#Hey work sucks I know
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Pages from trying to keep a little sketchbook-scrapbook type thing going for two weeks lol. I gave myself specific rules in hopes they might all end up more cohesive/consistent seeming, but alas, scribbly chaos reigns, it seems
#sketchbook#scrapbook#Actually I feel like these are kind of incomprehensible in photo form like.. In person holding the book its easy to look at#but as images on this scale I feel like there's so much tiny little text and small scribles and stuff you'd have to 'right click > open#image in new browser tab > zoom in' just to actually really see the thing. which for 7 images is excessive lol.. so. probably not the best#medium for sharing really but. I suppose I thought they might look cooler lined up next to each other. The whole part of using a#limited color palette is so that maybe they kind of seem to have more consistent color schemes or something throughout. but I dont#know if they look all that 'related' or not. I think these types of challenges I have always sucked at because I am a being of clutter and#excess. I can't just do like one little simple nice looking design and have that Crisp Neat calligraphy with evenhanded perfect lines#and perfect symmetical composition and etc. etc. Like some poeple post very aesthetically clean and cohesive looking sketch#pages or something but I simply cannot hold back the brain impulse to add more. more. more. Fill every single blank space with color#or a little drawing or a sticker or something. I take away 500 things and there are still a million there. Even when I thik I'm being#'simplistic' I'm still usually being 2x more complicated and cluttered than the standard or whatever lol. I guess thats clear from my#outfits/costumes though too. Like whatever that saying is from that person about something like 'before you leave the house take off one#more accessory. you dont need it' for me is like.. 'before you leave the house. add 10 more accessories. and 6 more layers. and another'#AAANyway. I wonder if also maybe some people would try to plan theirs in a way to look good or something or like.. plot things on the page#before placing them. I did sometimes have a theme for a day kind of (like day 10 I ended up finding a few gold and green things and then#was like.. hey... what if I looked for a few other things and only used these colors today') but aside from that I was just slapping down#stickers randomly and working around them to fill the page. Maybe a lot of neat minimalistic asthetic design is about planning and#having a Vision set ahead of time. instead of just complete random whatever. doodling whilst watching youtube videos or eating lunch. It's#a miracle actually I've managed to not spill any food on the book the whole time. anyway.. I do wish the highlighter really showed up. the#scanner kind of makes the colors look VERY different to irl. But also it got much clearer images than just camera pictures of pages. alas..#..Still oddly enjoy the phrase 'Salisbury Steak gently kissed with industrial pollutants'#probably my favorite section of 'gluing random papers and things onto the page' lol#Also I wonder if it's super obvious that I literally never ever use references when I draw (save for the few freakish looking youtube#face sketches) since everyone is always in the same positions and looking very similar ghhb. This could have been a good opportunity to#work on not solely drawing from my mind and try to do more Dynamic Experimental scribbles. NO. Same exact eye for the 90th time#be upon ye. But I guess it was meant to be casual 'daily doodles'. True 'practice' would make it seem too effortful like a full project. hm#(lol the one decimated pencil in the set... never hand me a writing utensil. i will passively destroy it somehow. shaving the sides of a#pencil off with a knife or snapping a pen in half as a nervous fidget without even realizing i've done it. sorry to the drawing implements)
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Noodles and Tea’s work inspired me fr
#phineas and ferb#gravity falls#perry the platypus#bill cipher#crossover#heinz doofenshmirtz#major monogram#great googly moogly#And at this one stand there was this forest service guy#and he was selling these really amazing muffins#they had Dunkleberries and EVERYTHING they looked delicious but they had nuts in them so I didn’t buy them#(I’m not allergic or anything I just think that there is a time and a place where you don’t put nuts in food#like seriously this thing was STUFFED with pecans and I was like that’s gonna ruin the flavor! Pecan…. that’s a really weird word you know#like try saying it out loud a couple times. Pecan.. peCHAAANs. Pea-can. hm. hm.#anyway)#but this guy had some other really random junk lying around so I decided to take a look and I actually found something really msyerious!#there was this book with a big ‘2’ on it and I couldn’t find the other ones so I was like hey where’s the rest of these and he was like#we already sold them off and I was like WHAT that’s so crazy#like if you’re gonna sell a set of books#WHY would you sell each one separately cuz that would really suck to just like#start in the middle of a series or get hooked and never be able to continue it#and I was pretty wary anyways cuz it looked so CRYPTIC and WEIRD#but he said he’d give it to me for 92 cents and baby that’s a STEAL#couldn’t NOT take it#I mean it sat around on my desk for months and I mainly just used it as a paperweight until one night#they stopped broadcasting America’s Got Talent on my channel and out of SPITE I decided to find a way to defy American Tradition#and read a book#….what? ohhhh you though I was gonna build an inator over this#no at the time I was already working on a Tuesday Inator that would force every Calendar in the Tri-State area to always have every day#as Tuesday so I could ALWAYS have a discount on tacos! do you know how OVERPRICED those things are when they’re not on Tuesday?
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sorta not-too-shitty stepdad stan takes tate fishing
(he’s that weird guy who’s always with his dad when tate visits on the weekends after his parents’ divorce)
#HIIII PORTAL PARTNERS AU MAKES A COMEBACK !!!!!!!#stan & fidd work together. fidd gets divorced. fidd gets tate on the weekends (they kid-proof the shack & keep him away from the portal ofc)#fidd never goes crazy. stan and fidd are always together.#stan takes tate fishing. tate likes fishing. he grows up to run that bait shop.#when i originally posted abt my version of portal partners somebody on tiktok asked about where tate is in it#and i like to think he keeps a good relationship with his dad in this au :]#& in extension a good relationship with stan#figured i had to draw something about it#stan makes him a little fishing hat btw (just like how he did for mabel & dipper)#i didn’t draw it but his hat says tater on it#anyway#ummm trusty ol instagram stories#i swear i’m only drawing things on there recently so all of the stuff i’m posting sucks a little bit LOLLLLL#eh#oh well#gravity falls#fiddlestan#(technically)#stanley pines#tate mcgucket#gravity falls fanart#gravity falls au#portal partners au#gravity falls portal partners au#<- that’s what i’m calling my version of Stan & Fidd Work On The Portal Together And Become Gay Old Men btw if u didn’t know#my art#rystiart#yeahg. hey guys
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TIL "Lay On Hands" is a paladin healing skill and I am blessed by this knowledge.
#moe talks a lot#oops i fell in love#cleric!right is forever funny to me because yeah its incredibly fitting for him to crave the power to heal#since he personally is so damaged and refuses to hurt others even in a game#but also he has such a foul mouth and you cannot remove that part of him ever#hes going to yell obscenities before he heals someone#like the joke of YOU HAVE UNO IT CAME WITH YOUR XBOX#is now YOU HAVE HEALING IT COMES WITH THE PALADIN#and then he just goes and heals karen while paul is like hey thats mean what if i want to bond with you :c#why wont you ever heal ME right i wanna be healed by you ! shes missing like 2hp what about healing my 10hp#again i have zero dnd exp and i am only learning from asking buddies who play it cause google sucks#i say that bc i tried googling something about clerics and it gave answers i didnt want to questions i didnt ask#anyway time to go perish personally im in so much pain and im v tired#for the record bc i know some people have expressed concerns in the past that im pushing myself too much to draw daily#its mostly my legs n feet that hurt constantly after work#my hand is still fine and while i do have some weird bruising on my arms (a mystery!) bc i bruise easily#its not me pushing through the hand pain or something bad like that its just i ache a lot
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There are movies about troubled kids, that’s great, but can I have my movie about gifted kids/burnt out gifted kids now. Please.
#Wendy’s stuff#idk#gifted kid burnout#gifted kid syndrome#gifted kids#I’m a burnt out gifted kid#as in I still get what the teachers are teaching and I’m still “smart”#but I don’t have enough motivation to actually do my works anymore#And it sucks#Because hey I understand that ! Hey I know what I’m doing ! I’m not “dumb” or “not mature” or whatever you think I am !#Also yes a teacher said that#I didn’t turn “stupid” over night ! I I’ve known all this since I was younger already ! Stop treating me like I’m stupid ! I’m not !#Anyway yeah it’s frustrating#Especially since in those movies the “gifted kids” are usually the antagonist#But in most case they’re not even bad people objectively speaking#and it frustrates me#because suddenly the characters I relate to are villainised and hated by the fandom and people call me weird for liking them#Wendy rambles
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god im really about to force myself to reread my tkg fic bc i heard a song that Took Me Back and then i read the last chapter i posted and forgot i had??? a whole really cool plot???? so. have to endure shit i wrote almost 10 years ago.............
#the worst part is. i now know as an adult how fucking stupid i was as a kid#this writing sucks#i sucked#i thought i was so cool and mature but i was an idiot#and i know the text is gonna reek. of how stupid i was#but i remembered that i made kaneki maul someone so hey. there's that#enduring the bullshit to hopefully write a wrap on this fic i was spontaneously inspired for#no this is not a promise but. i guess it would be nice if it was#time to make notes#i dont actually remember the original ending anymore. i had a really detailled outline on an old laptop but#like i said. its been almost 10 years.....#so anyway. modern me is gonna be writing the ending in a way that i see fit#if i ever. do that#me: write your thesis which is due soon OR.... daydream the conclusion of the anime fic u started when u were in highschool#well. i am still that kid deep down bc boy do i love to Not do my work
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need to expand on eggwaizumi lore
#also i dyed my hair copper now im living life as a ginger#it’s pretty fun#also i’ve gotten to the point post surgery where i can work out again#but i went a little too hard after not moving for like a month and now i can’t straighten out my arms#doesn’t it suck when people are always like ‘working out is so good for your mental health’#and then u go and work out and then it actually does help and they were right#i hate that so much#lwky i hate working out because im lazy by nature but god damn#it really does improve my mood/energy#that’s so evil#recovering from surgery kinda sucks btw#did you know post surgery depression is a thing#i know now#not sure how i got here but hey we move#forgot what the original post was about
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"it's the same in other countries" no the fuck it is not. "yeah in my entirely different field it's exactly the same" no the fuck it is not. literally any anecdote i tell about my (limited!) teaching experience gets me a starbucks drive thru meme response. it is NOT the same. you do not fucking get it.
#even my grandma who I love and respect was like well the problem is that they aren't making reading fun#you have to read a boring book and write a report on it. it sucks#and i was like okay but that's not it anymore. students get choices in books and choices in assignments.#and yet no matter what you do the teacher is still likely to fail at teaching a kid to love reading because reading is less fun than tiktok#and no one else in their life is saying hey man you need to 1) know how to read and 2) learn how to do things even when you don't like them#i had so many kids say well xyz isn't interesting to me. and I'd say okay let's find you something you're interested in#but they couldn't come up with anything either. if they did it didn't stick#I don't mean this as a kids these days. i mean this as a society these days is not encouraging appropriate behavior#it's encouraging the worst in people#and it's not a teacher's job to fix that#(not that you can fix people but ykwim)#i don't want to be an alarmist but i do think things are getting worse and people are behaving worse#and will continue to do so until it becomes cool/rewarding to be a decent fucking person#ugh. sorry. sorry.#big rant. but i saw someone say dog grooming runs people down just as badly as teaching does#I don't doubt that dog grooming is a difficult job sometimes but like. it's not the same as working 60-80 hour weeks with a masters to be#treated like shit. idiot shit in fact. by anyone and everyone because you cannot do ANYTHING.#you can't do anything about it. you are the punching bag of kids and parents and admin and the school board and every asshat online#and you could be perfect and yet years later there will be some asshat online saying you ruined their life#and everyone will say oh yeah I had a teacher that ruined my life too school is so fucked up they didn't teach me anything#ok. sure.#and you just have to sit there and take that#UGH#i was trying to wrap up the rant and it got worse#anyway. please. PLEASE. be kind to teachers. yes teachers specifically.#teachers have a singular job and no comparison really holds up to what teaching in a us public school is actually like
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And she fucking needs to reschedule her appt. She always wants to do it together with someone. But no. Of course you wouldn’t be able to sleep if you never sleep at those hours anyway. Of course not.
And fine. We’ll reschedule bc what other choice is there. But. Yeah. “I’m sorry”
I gave up my weekend to cater to this bc otherwise I could’ve gone another day to get my new Covid vaccine. I could’ve booked for another time. I could’ve used this day to go in and borrow dad’s car so I could’ve gone to a waterfall or beach even though it’s freezing.
And now I’m probably going to have to give up next weekend - ASSUMING there’s appointments left for then. My last two day weekend before my semester starts and I split my days off. Which is fine. It’s my choice. But I was hoping to do some stuff on my own :(.
And she probably doesn’t. Fuck. I still need to take her for bloodwork (overdue) and picking up an updated will since the sis and I are adults now and it might be A Thing that it needed to be updated. And not to be like especially given their health and that they’ve both had Covid now. But. I worry. I’m not really in a position to be able to support the household even if we inherited and there aren’t taxes. But I’d have to hold it together. I’m older.
She won’t drive herself to go do these things.
(But I have to drive myself now if I can’t bus there).
And I get having anxiety. I am anxious too.
But for it to get so bad years and years ago that it severely affects your family AND your family has asked you to get help several times (on a regular basis too. Bc we’re not professionals and can’t really help you. Especially when you don’t even agree to come along and just sit in the car as I drive around) it’s frustrating. (How would we have turned out if you had actually sought help for your mental illness? And why do I just KNOW that you’ll blame yourself for our mental illness. That we have to hide any attempts to better our own so that you don’t blame yourself?)
Who could we have been if any of us had been diagnosed?
I shouldn’t have had to deal with that as a child. In elementary school. Especially when I was already suicidal on my own anyway.
And yes. I resent you.
“I bet you wish for a different mother”
Yeah. One that fucking tried a little bit harder to get help before it got this bad. Before having us preferably. One that when asked to get help - agrees. Even if we’d have to arrange and just get you in the car and escort you there.
One that even occasionally stuck to anything you say you’ll do.
When I couldn’t even rely on you as a child. An older child.
“At least I raised you to not do drugs or lie. Or drink soda.”
I never felt safe to tell the truth of course I lie to you sometimes. I’ve craved nothing more than the sweet release of oblivion sometimes. Painful violence with flavour isn’t fun.
And then now. You’re. Even now. You’re so judgemental. “You’re such a rebel now”
For what?! Getting tattoos?! That I’ve always wanted!!
I am frustrated.
You wonder why I try to go out of the house and do things?
I hate staying here. But where else am I going to have so much space? And not have to pay a formal rent?
Urges are there. But. Can’t. It never helped to hurt myself anywhere near as much I needed. And I have healing tattoo and touch up’s right now. Im ok though. I don’t. I don’t do it like that.
I need food is what I need but fuck I’m annoyed.
#vent#family#shattered fragments#honestly I slept like shit too. I passed out after dinner and woke up about midnight and then had to go back to bed#and convincing myself to get up to brush my teeth took until past two am#but I did sleep#tw#anxiety I guess.#just. lots of family shit#and it’s just. when you rely entirely on somebody else to take you to do things. please.#either admit you’re disabled and try to access the very few benefits that might be available to you#or get in the fucking car when I need you to#and I know it’s not that simple and that disability SUCKS here#but I work full time and go to school and have hobbies and things I like to do#so when I give you my options of when I’m free to help you get to things. for fucks sake I planned my week or month around it.#I’m not a caretaker by any means#but I feel like I have to be#real reason to find love/get married: moving out 😭#but then I’d just feel guilty for leaving. bc then who would help?#and I’d have to probably just drive back and do it all anyway#like hey. mum. you remember how burnt out you were caretaking for grandma? without any other job or school to do?#*you’re going to do that to me*#and I KNOW part of it is almost definitely that we’re nd. but FUCK.#and I’m so exhausted by having to always concede to you.#like we get it. but EVERY SINGLE TIME?#I have other stuff to do too. and you won’t taxi or drive yourself.#just. fuck.#but now I have less than an hour before I need to go for my own. and I need to reschedule hers before I do so she’s not a no show
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im going into my new work tomorrow, first time ever😐
#i was supposed to go in yesterday but um#so basically i did whatever training i was never even aware existed on a platform i was never told of#which has progress for every lil step i do so my manager literally could see i hadnt even logged on n couldve warned me any time#but never did 4 some reason. like even a days notice like heyyy have u gotta blah done n not as im abt to exit to work#BUT ANYWAYS so i tell her i got it done n shes like awesome i make new schedule (since she said we have 2 completely rid the old one#i dont get an update until 4 days later. all she did was add THREE training days (im supposed to have 6 cus it's a hard job)#on TOP of my old schedule. so i have 3 days i know are training days and then a solo day bcs that solo day was going off my old schedule#so it's like. which days do i go on then. bcs u said i cant come in at all bcs we'll have to make a completely new schedule#and then the new schedule is just. 3 added days. on top of my old one#sunday i was scheduled for training & there was No trainer scheduled with me. it was just me#sunday wasnt one of the 3 new days added. it was from the old schedule she literally told me to ignore#n then all a sudden today i get an email from someone who was supposed to be training me (name not even on the schedule tho)#n shes like hey im in the building are u lost or smthing :)?' mind u im asleep . so she probably thot she was wasting her time for a good hr#i emailed her an apology n an explanation but UGH r u fucking serious?? IF I KNEW THAT WAS A (NEW) TRAINING DAY I WOULDVE WENT#I JUST WANT TO GET USED TO THIS NEW THING & IT'S JUST GETTING FUCKED LIKE I DONT EVEN HAVE A BADGE YET BRO#like i was suspicious of going in sunday bcs it wouldve lined up nicely with the 3 added training days#but manager TOLD me she was adding a whole new training schedule! i double check n all she added were THREE days! thats it!#how was *i* supposed to know sunday was supposed to be 1 of those days when ive been staying at home ignoring the schedule u said 2#BCS U SAID 2. AND ALSO. THERE WAS NO TRAINER ON THE SCHEDULE.#even tho the drive is far. i wouldve driven up there today to see if i could shadow if i had known there was someone to shadow there#bcs even if i was wrong abt the day 2 come in at least i wouldnt waste my time but i didnt even know if there was someone there with a#trainer title. so i just missed a day i didnt even know i rlly had. FOR NOTHING. UGHH. I FEEL SO STUPID. I HATE MISCOMMUNICATION#im so scared of coming in now. sverybodys gonna think im dum n what if i have issues training then theyre gonna be like#we spent all this time on bro n he had all this time 2 prepare n he still sucks like damn we should just give up#i would 2 but i hate not seeing things to completion so. ugh. hate it here. idk what 2 say. EMBARRASSING#i hate miscommunications i hate feeling stupid
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take me to the drafts where all my drabbles went to die
#˙⋆ 𓂃 ࣪maecrosoft !#hey guys ! i have ideas and no words !#i want to rb fics and write so so bad but i absolutely Suck at being on the World Wide Web as of late#anyways please do know that im cheering all my moots works even if im too drained to comment#yall are so talented always#SMOOCH !
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Sometimes I forget Princess Peach Showtime exists actually. Like it's not bad it's just so disconnected from the rest of the series plot and genre wise I kind of just. Forget it happened???? Like we as a fandom do not bring it up at all chcbcbxbsfg.
#bro i wanted mario to secretly be in it SO bad 😭 I don't think he is#it's cute! i've seen a good chunk of it i never did get around to finishing it#definitely baby game but baby game in the baby game series isn't a bad thing it's just not my thing#sucks i wanted that game to be my thing so bad cjcjcnxjdndndnfnsfg#OH i want to clarify i didn't want mario in jt in a “I can't consume content without my Blorbo and i want it to be about him” sense i mean#it would have been a nice treat but also i think it would have connected back to the main series more if Mario was secretly kidnapped#or something like that ie original Luigi's Mansion#CAUSE LOOK Luigi's Mansion is one of my favorite games and it's VERY disconnected from the main series until it's NOT#because there are Boos and Bowser jumpscare and Mario is also there#it works to explore new shit while keeping everything coherent#like it feels like a mario game lmfao#and who knows Luigi's Mansion was also originally faced with the same criticism and now it's a cult classic so dndnxbxbdbdf#who knows! i just think it could have tied back to mario more it kind of just feels like it's own thing and “Hey Princess Peach is here!”#like even her voice is different???? which was a choice??? cause i don't see that voice in any other new game??#correct me if i'm wrong i haven't seen jamboree yet
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Everybody say hello to Kass! 👋
I've been wanting to do one of these OC template things for a while, and it really helped me solidify Kass's character :>
template used is [here], squadmate pics are taken from their wiki pages
I may or may not have made this partly to avoid going to Virmire lololol
#i don't have the time or energy to write anything atm so i figured kass could have this much at least fkjglhdkjgh#maybe i'll do an me2 version also when i get that far 👀 who knows......#i also wanna do one for morrigan but that's WAY more work than my sleepy ass can do rn dflfkghdkj#kassandra shepard#commander shepard#femshep#mass effect#make a shepard that isn't a biotic challenge failed#make a character that isn't purple themed challenge also failed 😔#but hey! i know how to mod the game now! i had a very specific hairstyle in mind for kass so it was Required#the vanilla hairs....kinda suck lfdkjghdlg
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throwback to that time i was telling my cousin abt akira´s ENTIRE lore and she just went "ok but he still has human limits" to which i replied "do you think i let him keep his HUMANITY???" and laughed dhmfhsfgsjf
edit: dammit, wrong blog dshfdgdshhjdssnm
#oc: akira#west coast#i was probs like 15 at this point#his lore is treating him considerably kinder now btw#old akira was volatile and broody and so *so* lonely but too scared to get close to anyone :3#honestly a vibe but he doesnt quite work like that w the current story#biggest change is he was a good fighter; now he sucks at everything but a shield probably haha#<- which was originally a coping mechanism and representation of his walled off sentiment abt the world etc etc#also hey yall wanna know what caused him? like; as an oc...#bh6 brainrot- but specifically a dark angsty au someone here on tumblr was doing#which later got reposted to pinterest#this is also why blair was originally the one carrying around mushroom potions; she wasnt a fighter!!!!#oh how things have changed <3<3<3#oc talk#berryblu ocs
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ngl gamers, I think I'm gonna inevitably lose to the hormones and depression in the near future XD
Can't bring myself to be active cause I'm using a lot of energy to not vent post all the time. But fuck it, into the tags I go!
#I want NO MESSAGES regarding this. let me just be upset and alone#you spend most of your life trying to not succumb to sick brain but honestly I don't think it's worth it in the long run#my life is for better or worse....decent. but I've lost the drive and happiness to really DO anything a long time ago. like whats the point#the only reason I havent killed myself yet is cause Im too lazy (and dont have access to a gun for a quick getaway)#and I'm saying all this DESPITE having stuff to look forward to in the near future. it's like AUGH whats the POINT IM always gonna suffer#why does mental health take such a toll on ppl. this shit sucks ass. and I still feel excited for things in the future too? somehow?#but I also really want to die so. idk man. idk. maybe if I fall in love with someone then I can be distracted but all my walls are up#what's the point in anything anymore. *I* have to take the steps to improve myself and my situation#and I'd rather die. anyways who wants to make a pact that once we reach 40 we will marry each other#that might be fun#also my brain has gotten so bad that I am literally considering joining a hiking club to get out more and I FUCKING HATE HIKING#but I should probably do something out of my comfort zone to push myself and who knows maybe I will find a new passion#but let me tell you about the anxiety - oh BOY it's starting to act up again. hahahha#ah well sometimes you just need to scream your feelings out in the tags to get a lil clarity from the brain fog#one day I will fucking die/kill myself but for now I'll just try to make the best out of. whatever the hell this stupid life is. *shrug*#(but hey if any professional hitmen are reading this. feel free to. heh. you know ;) )#also I need to get back to art#gotta do my paid work and that one pic I lined months ago. and clay stuff *continues to bed rot another week because hahahahahahaha*#ah I wish I didn't fail all those years ago. then I would be free. I wish I was free#ok goodnight I promised myself that I would do paid work when I wake up tomorrow so hopefully no more migraines -pray emoji-
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yeah that!
#In fact as I understand it having a diagnosis CAN detriment you#Which sucks but hey society#I work with people with mental and physical disabilities and one woman who is like 40 JUST NOW got diagnosed with autism#When like. Shes had assistance with it for years and years. The diagnosis is literally just words on paper#Also I grew up with a licensed therapist who denied anything being wrong with me ever and still does! So just idk#Know yourself and do whatever it takes#Not an art#Talky talky Tuesday
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