#all i want to do is starve myself but im forcing myself to eat and im proud of myself for it but i also hate myself for it

[emily-rambles]

i’m venting in the tags ignore this

[featherymainffins]

Binge-reading Dungeon Meshi because it's the only thing standing between me and suicide ngl.

[cindyss]

could you pleeeaaasssseeee do a theo x fem!reader with him as a dom but him loving y/n so much, like with deeply admiration for her? PLEASE I BEG YOU (btw love the way you writeee, you're amazingggggg 🩷)

of course i can thank you for your support 🥹🫶

——————————————————

• - EVEN BETTER WHEN YOU SCREAM IT - •

PAIRING(S): theodore nott x fem. reader

WARNING(S): dom. theo!! , teasing, smut

SUMMARY: request

A/N: i deleted my wattpad story because i dont think ill have the motivation to continue 😓 , sorry this took long i was a bit busy and unmotivated !!

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Waves of excitement hit you as your boyfriend Theodore Nott of 2 years carried you bridal style across the street, late at night. The two of you had a fight earlier that day and to tease him, you wore a short black dress that defined your curves perfectly.

Therefore, as you arrived to the party, and when his eyes first laid on you, he wouldn’t stay away from you the whole night. And when the party was finally over, he wasted no time carrying you out of there.

He was swinging you around as you giggled, too drunk by alcohol. His face expression wouldn’t move so you decided to crack a joke “every weekend i say to myself, bob you have to stop drinking, luckily i’m not bob”. Your laugh echoed through the streets even earning a little smirk from the boy carrying you.

When you finally got to his dorm, he waisted no time throwing you on his bed removing your clothes. He replaced the clothes covering your now revealed skin with kisses as he nibbled and sucked on your skin. He finally slid your panties down, teasing your inner thighs. He trailed kisses until he reached your aching, wet cunt.

“so wet principessa, already? I’m never gonna fucking fight with you again if you wear this. You know how many men I had to force to take their eyes off of you? Do you know how many men were eye fucking you and i had to control myself and not fuck you in front of them all to mark you as mine? seven.” he said in between kisses, slowly getting closer to your cunt.

He then dipped his head between your thighs, and began eating you out like a starved man, sucking and nibbling and kissing and licking every spot he could reach. His hair wrapped around your fingers as you tug, begging him for more.

“please theo,” you breathe heavily, slightly moaning his name. “fuck im gonna-“ you scream before theo removes his mouth. “wh-“ you hesitate before he traces the side of your lips with his finger “not yet cara mia, you think its that easy? after all your teasing you think im gonna let you come so easily? hm?”.

God fuck. he connects your lips deepening the kiss as your tongues find their way to each other, his hand supporting you, holding your cheek.

“i want you to sit on my face” he speaks. “theo no it could hurt you,” you answer. as much as you would enjoy sitting on his face, you’d never done it before and you were too scared. “principessa, if you want me to give you permission to come, you’re gonna need to sit on my face”.

“fuck, okay” you mumble under your breath, nodding in approval. He flips you over, and once you’re both ready, he slowly lowers you on top of him, your thighs swallowing his face. As you adjust, he uses his tongue to hit every spot. He licks and sucks as waves of pleasure travel through your body, this man.

He moans into your aching pussy as you arch your bag, your hands searching for something, for anything to hold onto dear life for and to not crush him.

Then, as you grab onto the bed sheets, screaming his name, he stops the movements of his tongue then gently removed you off him. “nott im gonna kill you” he chuckles at your threat before speaking, “im sorry baby but you’re gonna need to beg me for it”.

“fuck you” you speak. “im pretty sure thats my job mia cara,” he smirks before beginning to lower his pants. he removes his boxers then takes his shaft already dripping with pre-cum in his hands and begins pumping it.

“Your pussy is well stretched by my tongue, now im gonna need you to watch me come then ill help you to yours.” he begins pumping and stroking his dick, watching you drool over him with a smirk covering his face.

You, too turned on by the situation, try touching yourself before theo stops you “no baby, no touching.” “theo please” he shakes his head before pumping more until he’s finally throwing his head back, moaning and whimpering your name as he comes. “now lick it and clean me up”.

you immediately answer his order and begin licking him clean, even trying to move your head up and down as you were so desperate before he grabbed you by the hair and gently pulled you up “te ragazza impertinente” he chuckled. ( you naught girl) .

he then admired your lustful eyes, before smashing his lips onto yours. “you know i love you so much yeah?” he whispered in between kisses. then he carried you and slowly lowered you so that you adjust to his size. once you did that, you began riding him carelessly as you both became a whimpering mess.

“mm.. you wanna come?” he asked you as your movement slows down in exhaustion. “please” you speak a tear rolling down your cheek. he immediately wipes the tear off your cheek “no cara mia im sorry im gonna make it happen right now”. he apologized before getting you off him and flipping you over.

he inserts himself again and immediately begins thrusting in and out of you. your hands travel to his neck lowering his face to kiss him. his hand wresting on your waist, you move on of your hands and lay it on top of his, the other gripping the sheet. “i love you so much, youre my principessa and you’re so perfect” he says as his travels to your clit rubbing in circles.

his thrusts and fingers working in sync get you to your high almost immediately as he gives you permission to come “come on my finger pretty girl”. you come covering almost his whole thumb and he licks it clean. “theo, come inside me please” you ask him. you begin massaging his balls and he comes into you, both moaning. “fuck that feels so nice”.

“you know you’re actually the prettiest girl, like ever. i love the way you fix your hair, and the way you say my name, even better when you scream it.” you both chuckle at that comment.

“sorry for being a dick baby i love you so much and nothing will ever change that. i will always protect you and take care of you, in always here for you.” this boy was the sweetest. he begins kissing your neck before carrying you over to the bath.

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sorry if this is not accurate to the request but i sorta found it difficult and i have no motivation at all so if any other requests are put in theyre probably gonna take time and im sorry 💗 .

[nmakii]

TILL I RUN DRY!

— alastor x hypersexual ace!reader

— warning: gn!reader (i wrote with fem in mind) sex, hyper-sexuality, intrusive thoughts, abuse, sexualization, body dysmorphia, implied ed (anorexia), self-harm

unapologetically me x alastor bc were married! and um we like to hold hands sooo like deal w it 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️ kinda messy hc list too. sfter writing the tw list im worried for myself sheeshhh

he honestly at first did not quite like you. his only experience with hypersexuality has been with angel dust. and, that has been uncomfortable to say the least.

though he starts seeing that behind that mask, you’re hiding something. as a man who hides his intentions most of the time, he can tell you’re covering some part of yourself up. and when you finally let down that mask of yours, whether by accident or on purpose, alastor finds it confusing.

alastor’s original understanding of hypersexuality had been that they were nymphomaniacs who always desired sex. he was confused with your identity, “hypersexual asexual”. it was an oxymoron!

but, now that he’s developed a bond with you, he’s starting understand that there was… some difference between drive and attraction. the line is still a bit faint to him.

now that alastor has gotten to know you better, he starts to see that both of you are fairly similar, at least when it comes to the lack of sexual attraction. and now that he knows you act this way for a reason, he doesn’t shame you like he does with angel dust. (not that angel isn’t valid, alastor just doesn’t wish to talk to him) and after learning that these sexual remarks of your’s are compulsive, he tries to tolerate them to the best of his abilities.

whenever you have these hypersexual episodes and start to cope, alastor doesn’t prefer to ‘help’ you. he’ll leave you to your own devices until it’s over. but, he’s perfectly fine cleaning you up. whether it be setting up a bath, or bandaging a scar. he doesn’t intend on stopping you since… he doesn’t exactly know how to. all that he does know is how to comfort you after they happen.

he’d feel sympathetic if you started feeling disgusted with yourself after an episode. he generally also feels sympathetic for you if the trauma that had wired your mind like this had been inflicted by older men, or someone you thought was your friend.

sometimes, when it’s late into the day, alastor’ll catch you bedrotting because you feel disgusted with yourself. he doesn’t say anything though, because if he did, it’d be a lie. if you noticed it and got upset, alastor would probably say something along the lines of “yes, i won’t deny that you’re a bit… twisted in the head, dear. but, i’ll still be here for you. you’re quite dear to me, i wouldn’t just leave you!”

he’s often confused when you wear revealing clothing and try to sexualize yourself whilst not even wanting to have sex. and, when you say that you’re trying to prove to yourself that you’re pretty enough to sexualize, he’s speechless to say the least. he’s never met someone like you before, nor does he tend to even try to help.

there are times alastor finds you staring in the mirror and observing your body. he can tell in your eyes that you’re judging your figure on how appealing it is, and that you’re thinking of how to make yourself look ‘better’. and to distract your thoughts, he hugs you from behind, and puts all the attention on him. he’d say something like “what ever are you doing, sweetheart? i can’t deny how gorgeous you are, but you’ll go crosseyed if you keep staring like that!”

and knowing you, judging your figure would probably lead to something like starving yourself. so, he observes how much you eat, and tries to encourage you to eat more.

alastor would still get incredibly uncomfortable if you started forcing yourself onto him and trying to seduce him. he doesn’t want to do that, but he wouldn’t want to hurt your fragile state either. when he denies you, he can see that you get upset. so, he explains that he wouldn’t want to take advantage of you like other unruly men have before, and that it doesn’t have anything to do with how attractive you are.

he’d also get a bit irritated during these dramatic moments of yours where you push everyone away. you start to get much more depressed during these moments, and he can’t help wondering about your well-being. it doesn’t matter if you’re pushing him away, he’s still lurking somewhere in the shadows to make sure you’re safe.

if you ever got close enough to alastor to confess the darker parts of your hypersexuality, like a need to be abused to feel loved, he’d feel sick to his stomach. why on earth would you want such a thing? to feel as if you’re attractive? he’d let you confess these thoughts to him, you’re trusting him with a dark part of yourself after all. but, if you were to seek it out in real life, he’d absolutely stop you. he’d never realistically allow you to get hurt while he’s still with you.

he finds it you to be a very unfortunate individual. he still tries to be there for you when he can, even if it made him mildly uncomfortable.

[konigsblog]

nah bc i've never fingered myself before and like - can you IMAGINE the corruption & size kink with price and/or Simon if they found that out?? wanting to be the first to stuff their thick long fingers in your pussy, watching your face as you squirm and moan at the feeling of being so full???? ugh i need them

i feel embarrassed to say this, but me neither 😮‍💨 it doesn't feel good, i barely even masturbate, i just watch porn and read stuff about könig .. 😞 maybe my nails are too long and that's why it's uncomfortable (i also feel like im being watched, like what im doing is wrong ...)

spin the bottle with them, truth or dare, and stupid and embarrassing secrets revealed. including that you've never fingered yourself before, excusing it as ‘too uncomfortable’ so they calm down -- yet they don't. their cocks harden at the thought of fucking your tight hole, or fingering you into a dirty mess.

price's fingers forced into your mouth and simon's deep into your sweet cunt, your pussy sopping around them. their digits becoming sloppy and covered in slick, eased fully inside, your eyes glistened as you attempt to not gag around your captain's fingers!! whines become muffled as simon fucks them deeper, whispering dirty things to you that make you gasp and wriggle in his grasp, grinding down against his palm as he forces you to beg for it.

john eases his fingers from your mouth, wet and holding your jaw with a firm grip, forced to maintain eye contact with simon. “c'mon, he asked you to beg, dollface...” he chuckles, taking a drag from his lit cigar, blowing it in your face. “pl-please..” you look away, he fucks them faster into you, frantic and erratic, their cocks hanging from their military issued jeans, tip leaking and drooling precum onto them, staining for sure :(((

you cum all down his forearm, forced to show price the mess he'd made of your wet, raw pussy, his face between your thighs as he laps at your slit and sucks at your clit, beard causing friction against your soft skin, eating you out like a starved man :(((

[sanspuppet]

very very short pov of Wooyoung because he's too hot

(MDNI‼️ 18+ content)

You just took a shower, when you exited the bathroom and felt yourself starving. You only wore the first oversized, white t-shirt you saw inside Woo's wardrobe, without any underwear. You headed towards the kitchen and looked for something to eat quickly. Wooyoung, that was sitting on the couch, wided his eyes as he noticed you bare ass, when you bent over the kitchen island. The sight of your naked body covered with his clothes, made his dick involuntary twitching inside his pants, and his heartbeat accelerating.

"What the fuck babe?" he asked, standing up before reaching you. He faced you, dragging his hands down on your body, trying to feel every inch of your shapes, under the thin fabric of his t-shirt. You could feel his heavy breath against your neck, when he said:

"You think you could just walk in, half naked, without getting fucked, huh?" You looked at him, in a pissed way: "Wooyoung, im only trying to find something to eat." Without even saying anything he hooked the t-shirt up, leaving you completely naked. "What the fuck Woo-"

"My dick probably would fill you enough."

He turned you, forcing you to bent over the kitchen island, again. You immediately heard the sound of him unzipping his jeans, before feeling his length suddenly sliding inside your pussy. "Fuck-" you moaned at the sudden pleasure taking the control of your body, and mind, completely forgetting about food, you just wanted to be dominated like he was doing right now.

"Yes baby- nnghh so tight- gonna mark you as mine once again..." he sped up his pace, when you pressed your ass against his hips, searching for more friction.

"Such a naughty girl, you should be punished for getting me hard so suddenly, you know i can't control myself." he started to slap your ass cheeks, repeatedly, leaving bruises and marks of his fingers gripping at your ass.

"Fuck- im sorry! har-harder please" you actually loved when he punished you, him being so rough always made you go crazy. He was still pounding you harshly, while spanking you from behind.

"You want daddy to be rough, yeah?" you nodded desperately, grunting at the feeling of your ass burning everytime he slapped it.

"You better take all of my cum, you slut" he was certainly reaching his orgasm, when you felt his thrusts becoming sloppy and messy. His groans were getting louder as he pounded you with all of his strength. You were too fucked out to even moan.

"Yes- fuck- im cumming- im cumming so damn much inside your little pussy-"

He filled you up completely, till he could see his seeds sliding out of your folds. You were barely breathing, trying to recover from what just happened.

"Go put some clothes on you."

[lixielovess]

"and i still dont care, i only care about you and how you feel. if it meant that I'd have to kill everyone in the world except for you and then myself just to prove that i love you, then I'll do so."

hyunjin x fem!chubby!reader

warnings: reader is insecure about her body, implied ED, swearing

genre: angst, fluff

hyunjin was a childhood friend of yours, you always hung out with him and you enjoyed being around him. but you were always considered the 'ugly' friend by your other friends, sometimes your family and you yourself agreed sometimes.. ofcourse he never did, he thought you were absolutely beautiful, tough he never said it.

when you were in junior high school, you could never be friends with anyone without someone shipping you two, but with you.. everyone always considered it as a joke. like you were a joke, people kept teasing hyunjin about liking you and he always denied it, and you believed him. he was never harsh about it he was genuinely nice, he was always polite with it but it always seemed to hurt you. you loved him, and deep down he knew he liked you aswell.

he was the handsome popular guy and you were just another one of his fangirls who just happened to be one of his friends. though you did have girl friends alot of girls seemed to hate you because you were friends with hyunjin, saying that you only hung out with him to distract yourself from how fugly you actually are. and honestly you thought the same, it was to the point you starved yourself and had to go to the hospital because you didn't eat the normal amount of food a healthy person should eat for about a month, but despite not eating almost anything at all you still looked like that.

and suddenly when you were in highschool in senior year when in the schools garden, he stood infront of you, bouquet in hand looking straight into your eyes "y/n y/l/n i-... i loved you.. i always have.. so please-" you cut him off. "is this some sort of joke..?" he froze up, confused, time seemed to stop as he just stared at you completely confused "what?"

"did one of your friends force you to do this? did you lose a bet? do you think its funny 'confessing' to the ugly chubby girl?" you we're used to it, guys confessing to you, going out with you because it was a dare or a jokey joke. but its happened to you over and over again for too many times to the point where you couldn't tell the difference between that and the real thing... and when someone actually had feelings, that someone being hyunjin, you turned him down because you didn't trust anyone that said they liked you, either way if it was true or not.

"Y/n-" "save it." angry tears welled up in your eyes as he just stared at you in disbelief "listen! please- im not joking! i genuinely do-" you grit your teeth, holding in your tears as you try not to break down sobbing "i thought you were my friend, hyunjin."

"i am! and i want us to be more than that-"

"Liar! you don't like me, i know you don't. you denied it since we were 10 and even until now you still do. feelings don't change overnight. i cant believe i thought you were my friend, never talk to me again you piece of shit" you ran off into somewhere, you dont know where you just walked. a few hours later you somehow arrived home, you waltzed into your room and just locked yourself in there.

days go by and you return to school completely ignoring him, everytime he came to talk to you, you just brushed him off like he was nothing.

your friends still hung out with him, and they brought you along when they hung out with him, but what else could you do? not hang out with your friends who've known you for years..? no. eventually you forgave him and tolerated him, and started hanging out with eachother more and more.

it wasn't until recently when you guys were alone, he took your hand and looked straight into your eyes when he confessed, again. "i.. i just wanted you to know that it wasnt a joke, i genuinely did love you back then and i didn't care about how you looked you were absolutely beautiful regardless. and i still dont care, i only care about you and how you feel. if it meant that I'd have to kill everyone in the world except for you and then myself just to prove that i love you, then I'll do so."

[reverieaa]

To long

Longing is a concept people in this community are very familiar with.

It eats away and tires you out it breeds doubt and fear, fear of delusion, fear of failure, fear of rejection, even if it's it coming from ourselves.

You entered this community, and you were told what to do, what to think, and how to act. You were told that as God, you could make your own decisions, and you made the decision of not being that God, not until you've consumed enough info, not until all your desires show up in the 3d.

Like me, you went into imagination whenever you're hungry and leave starved. When this happened, i would spiral. It felt like I would see the food in front of me, but im unable to eatit. There was always a barrier between me and my desires. I'm sure this is how u feel, too.

I learned that I spiral only when I push myself to do something when I do something I'm not meant to do. Like changing things in the 3d or worrying about time.

Seeing a lot of loa blogs when I entered this community, I looked back at the info I consumed and realized what was making me spiral. People would talk about keeping track of your thoughts, making sure you feel it right, and make sure you persist. But all that teaches us is how to beat yourself down even more. That's because you're not meant to micromanage your life. You're not meant to make sure everything is perfect and you're not meant to make your desires happen.

One day, I gave up and told myself I couldn't manifest, and it ended up being one of the greatest things I did. Because it made me realize that manifesting has absolutely nothing to do with the 3D, I cannot make things show up here as it is not my job.

The only thing you and I can do is accept and imagine. Accept your imagination as true because it is, it's where u lie, and it's who you are, that is all you can be.

You're not a desperate person dreaming of a better future. You're not a sad human making things come out of thin air by thinking about them, you're literal imagination, and once you accept that you'll feel free to imagine and feel what you wish. That's literally all manifesting is.

You can only fully feel in your imagination. You can only experience there, and you can only be imagination.

I told myself that I, as I am, can do nothing. I can't fly here in the 3d, but I can in imagination, I can't wake up in a different place in the 3d, but I can in imagination. This what loa bloggers mean when they say you can manifest absolutely anything.

When we say assume, we mean k the inner world, and that's all you need because that's all there is. Reality can only live through you. It can only thrive through your attention, your gaze, and approval. That is your power.

Whatever you do, do not make the 3d your enemy. You'll be turning yourself against yourself, and that will make you spiral. Pay attention to the deepest, most vulnerable parts of yourself. They lie in your imagination to the outer, and they are absolutely beautiful.

Loa is about taking care of those parts about learning that forcing and pushing will only result in you being forced and pushed, that focusing on the wrong will make life itself focus on the wrong, because it is only a reflection, it is you.

Perfecting loa is not about how fast you can manifest and how good your self-concept is. It's about revealing who you are. Beyond religious scriptures and materialistic objects. Have a day where you have fun in your 4D, get to k ow yourself and who you are in there, I assure you, you won't care for the 3d, not when you realize it can't bring you the joy you can bring yourself.

The only way for your state to change is to admit your current one and realize it can only live through you, give yourself that power, and shamless permission to move on. Let intrusive and doubtful thoughts pass, the only way for them to stop bothering you is to not identify with them.

You want to manifest a new house in the blink of an eye? You did now, you want a brand new self? You did just now. They all showed up in your imagination because that's your only responsibility and power, yourself.

This is why a relationship with yourself is the base of loa, when I accepted I can only work in the 4d, my self concept sky rocketed.

Did I spiral after that? Yes, it's only natural when you live your life differently for a long time and you're learning somthing new.

But I still managed to come back up to a good self concept because all the loa lessons you read all come to one thing, there is nothing to change but self because there is nothing in this reality but self.

After you learn this, if there's one thing in this whole law rather is impossible in your mind, it's to long.

[kosmicdream]

im confident enough to post FFAK, which has anal prolapse, but i dont post the true drama....... my opinions about manga. *dramatic music* sometimes i kinda want to do some reviews.. its mostly me complaining.. it makes me sound so bitter like "do you like anything kosmic!" and..yes ! i do!!! okay!! i like a lot of things. once in a while, i dip my toes into a popular series to try to see if we are a good fit. Series like: Beastars, Dorohedoro, Dungeon meshi,ect.. and i kind. well. I dont like any of them LMAO. I mean, Ok, i actually really was into Beastars for a time, but after the fight with the bear guy (its been a few years sorry) and that story arc concluded.. it just spiraled to laughable levels and did not recover. I was genuinely laughing at it at times bc it kind of felt like a desperate scramble with the like. loopholes and power upgrades.. But I was invested for a time, it had a charm to me! I also loved the art and im curious about the authors next series about santa (partly because i too, am writing a story about santa). Dorohedoro has a great visual style, fun characters, i enjoyed reading but it also kinda didnt ...land for me beyond that, which is a shame. I feel like it is a series that "should" have clicked with me. And its like, not offensive to me but.. I'll forget that ive read the whole thing. I like STUFF in it. but thats not enough for me anymore. If i had read it when i was younger tho, it might have been a diff story. idk. My most unpopular opinion of all is that... I hated Dungeon Meshi.. Sure its ..pretty! cute designs. but i found it SO painfully boring and it actually was a struggle to finish. in the end, it felt like a waste of time.. SHOCKING take i know. That is the darling of everyones heart and i like, understand WHY its popular. .. but for me, i was not fed by anything. i am unfed and starved and going to eat elsewhere oh, and i.. as a person who has read a lot of fighting mangas.. I have tried to read chainsaw man, but i dont know if I can. I did finish Fire Punch. I'm surprised to say: i kinda liked it but it took a long time to force myself to read thru it. I honestly hated many aspects of Fujimoto's storytelling/character acting that i didn't think my opinion on it would change, but I'm a little more open to it now. I dont think i could ever super be into it or whatever, but i did find genuine enjoyment in aspects of fire punch. I did not really like look back. I haven't read his other one shot(s)? Where am i going with all this..I guess im giving some unrequested reviews after all...oops... a lot of this is spurred by how houseki no kuni is one of my most fav series, not only visually/characters/story/ect.. but i cant lie.... the ending... was kind of a flop for me... gorgeous and poetic ig sure but.. AUGH! it isnt what i wanted. maybe it'll be one of those "it'll grow on me" endings but thats mostly me having to go thru the 5 stages of personal grief and gaslight myself into it, but as the like actual honest first-reaction feeling it kinda lost me. I think it did not work when i felt the confrontation btwn phos/cinnabar wasn't the one i wanted to see. i will say tho, while im dissapointed, its not like a DEEP one or anything. I know its a miracle to even get to an ending.. i guess my take away feeling from it was like "everything fit together too well, too planned" but didnt feel planned, emotionally. I wasn't sold on it. Anyway, im here to speak my truth and my hot takes which, i honestly dont even want to have that one about HnK but its the real feeling i have for it.. Once again Utena's ending just has made all these other issues i have with various stories more obvious LOL

[starsthewitch]

TW: Mentions of an eating disorder. If you’re not interested then please scroll along :)

hi yall

i really haven’t been doing that well

i thought i was? but im really not

my ED came back this school year with more force than it ever has

it started in the middle of 7th grade when i was still doing ballet. im not going to mention the medications im currently on or am using because i dont want people to get a “free ride” in an ED

anyway, i got a higher dose of my standard medicine and the main side effect is reduced appetite

so through 7th-8th i basically wasnt eating. i didn’t eat breakfast, lunch, and only ate dinner to not make my parents suspicious. however, on the weekends when i didn’t have to take my meds, i’d eat food like a person normally should

during school if i got too hungry, i would ask my (ex) girlfriend to share with me, though i never took a whole tray

then quarantine happened and it completely fucked me up.

i gained at least 30-40 pounds and i hated myself so badly

this is also the reason why i needed a breast reduction because all the weight i gained just went to my stomach, breasts, and thighs

then i was just

content

with myself for a while

not too hateful, not too happy

just in the middle

now i’m back at school, college

and it started up again

take my meds, dont eat breakfast, dont eat lunch, dont eat dinner because now i dont need to look normal in front of anybody.

i dont feel well at all

my head constantly hurts

my body aches

im starving

all i ate today was a small unfinished bag of chips and 2 mini muffins that barely make a dent in your hand

im trying to do better, i really am but its just difficult right now.

theres this voice that keeps going on in my head “at least you look skinner, right?”

when its not right at all

i want to stop

im not gonna take my meds tomorrow.

i take them as needed, but ive been taking them almost everyday

i need a break

my body needs a break

just for a while.

[runa-falls]

⭐️ (director's choice bc im behind on my reading but want the tea)

he smells like flowers (steven grant x reader)

i like to think of this work as my love letter to steven because every time i re-read it, it flings me back into my obsession with him. i feel like i was in a trance when i wrote this bc i don't remember putting out these thoughts lol.

here are some excerpts that i'd like to expand on:

even after a week long mission, he still smells like that mellow mix of tender flower petals and syrupy nectar. ambrosia that glides thick on your tongue and begs you to swallow him down.

i don't know how describe it but i feel like his scent is not a smell, but a feeling. like pure ecstasy, it makes you curl up in a little ball and once you have a taste, you'll never get enough of it. it's a magnet that pulls you closer -- one that you could resist, but never want to.

these two sentences are absolutely extra asf bc all i was really trying to say is that i want steven to fuck my throat + cuddle me :)

he has a habit of chewing on his bottom lip when he's nervous, excited, or generally overstimulated, sucking it raw until you tug it out from under his teeth and help him lick the wounds. sometimes you think he does it on purpose -- wanting to feeling you grace his lips with yours -- other times you worry that if you weren't there he'd do some real damage to himself without even knowing it.

kissing doesn't always have to be sexual. in this instance, kissing is caring, showing someone that you'll be there to comfort and reassure them when times become too much.

i have a habit of biting my lips when i'm anxious so i kinda forced that compulsion onto steven bc i've never had someone care enough to notice. i figured that if i could take care of him in that world, i could do the same for myself here.

the sleeves of his clothes are tugged and stretched out because he likes the feeling of having something to hold on to, it grounds him. it comforts him when you aren't around.

like many others, steven and his oversized clothes had immediately enamored me. there's something about a man purposefully trying to make himself seem smaller that makes me feral.

i made steven a bit clingy in this fic, where he always wants the reader near and touching him. i love writing steven as touch-starved because i think he definitely deserves to be touched in a loving way. he should be craving my love and leaning into my touch, not flinching away from it!

i also understanding having that one comfort-person. even in a room full of friends, there's always that one person that makes me feel undoubtedly safe. so that's why i added this part!

you groan against his slick heated skin -- he tastes like a box of heart shaped chocolates: saccharine, rich, and indulgent. you've never had a sweet-tooth, but steven is a dessert you could eat any day.

if you didn't catch it, this was a reference to steven + his box of chocolates after being stood up at a restaurant. poor romantic steven :( of course, steven doesn't actually taste like chocolate (or does he?), but he's such a sweetie that he might as well be a chocolate rabbit <3

^^i love doing this director's comments asks bc it helps me reflect on my work!

director's cut

[shiloh101]

I hate my body so much that i've decided to not eat, but when i do eat, i force myself to throw it all up. Another thing is a week ago today the cops got called over to my house because i was gonna commit suicide and my girlfriend called because she was worried, before the cops showed up i went and told my sister everything and vented to her, my sister is also letting me vape, smoke weed, and get high for mental health purposes because it just helps me depression but my girlfriend doesn't seem to understand or let me do it so every time the subject comes up or im high, we fight. Back to what i was saying the cops came and asked me questions, i was bawling me eyes out because i didnt want them to take me back to the mental hospital because april 28th i got sent there because my little sister found my suicide note but thankfully i wasn't admitted there and got let go, i know i need to go but im just terrified to tell someone and go. The cops finally left and stopped asking questions then i had to throw away all my razors and pills which im glad i did and its keeping me clean and the suicidal thoughts are gone but until school starts im starving myself and currently sitting on the toilet venting to some random strangers while im forcing myself to puke. (8/6/24 - 12:58pm)

[b0nel0ver]

since im in a good mood (i lost weight again!) i wanted to share my best coping methods for. when im triggered about my ed

🦴add songs to my ana playlist

I have Spotify premium (i didn't buy it lol, i pirated) and i just check the songs i get suggested, also online, and if they fit my taste at all. sadly, i can't put "bag of bones" by mitski bc even if it fits the theme a lot, heh, it's connected to something else on a personal level.

🦴i will post my playlist later, feel free to save it for yourself 🦴

🦴i watch a triggering film/serie // read a triggering book

this one's a classic. my suggestions are To The Bone, it's really touching, and Girl, Interrupted.

I don't have any book suggestions at the moment, sadly.

🦴i only weight myself under certain conditions

said conditions are:

-i didn't eat anything that day (so it happens that i do it in the morning)

-i have fasted for around 8+ hours, more usually 12

-if i touch my stomach, i feel it pretty flat, so im sure im not bloated with water

-i feel SAFE doing it, just in case i didn't go down, making sure that im not triggered. best if I'm about to go do something, so im distracted

-im not close to my period, because i gain a bit bc of it and I'll lose it right after, no biggie.

-i didn't weight myself the day before

🦴look for a phone background, a pfp, or anything i like to look at

especially if i need a background, like for my tablet or pfp on some social.

🦴if i lose weight, i reward myself

NOT WITH FOOD, it triggers me. usually, i get to make a ice-water-lemon-and-juicr drink, it's low-cal and i can spare some for dinner/lunch.

i also buy myself something nice, like new jewelry, depending on my mood.

🦴if i gain weight, or binge, i focus on my recovery, and ignore the ana.

🦴this one is weird, but i m4sturb4t3

i know i know, but it works really well

🦴i have a shower

ESPECIALLY if i alternate from lukewarm, soft boiling myself, and chilly

🦴i read/watch g0r3

it makes me nauseous

🦴i have a daily vitamin pill

JUST ONE, it helps with my nails, hair and skin, keeps everything a bit healthier. the reason it helps me cope is that it makes me feel less dizzy, makes me a bit nauseous because it tastes like shit, and also feeds my stomach just enough for it to stop hurting.

🦴while eating lowcal is faster, eating 1200<x<1500 makes it a bit slower but keeps your metabolism working

if your metabolism works well, it makes it harder to gain weight. eating pomegranate is also helpful for it, plus it's low-cal (a whole one is around 140 cals, i usually only eat half in 2 days)

🦴i keep telling myself that i can't starve myself anyway, my parents would force me to eat

[gayhenrycreel]

in the wake of the Abuse in Care report, i want to share my own story

for context, i am a young kiwi. im autistic and adhd, and struggle with violent meltdowns.

tw for all sorts of abuse

a few years ago, my meltdowns got very severe. i was dangerous. i got sent to the psychward 3 times. the first 2 times were scary, but i was okay.

the 3 third time nearly killed me.

i was 13 and they didn't have any spaces left, so they put me in a solitary confinement area of the asylum. yes, modern psychwards are insane asylums. if you had a good experience at one you are an exception. the wall were concrete and my room had a small outdoor area attached that was lined with barbed wire. the toilet did not flush. i was not allowed out, except for a few times when i was allowed to see the other inmates.

i was trapped for 11 days. i still remember exactly what date it was. i called my mum every day. neither of us knew if we would ever see each other again. i had been kidnapped by the state. i was fed green sludge and something that may have been extremely dry and cracked fish or chicken. this was my only meal i regularly got. getting breakfast was a hit n miss.

on day 9 i snapped. i tried to hit a nurse and my punishment was to be strangled half to death. i couldn't breathe. they nearly dislocated my shoulder. my vision turned black. i vaguely recall being injected with a sedative.

when i have flashbacks i can feel the physical pain again. it feels like my arms are being torn off.

i only went back home when my mum showed up, unauthorised, and demanded to bring me home. i never thought i would see my family again.

something i didnt mention earlier, i am medically recognised with a complex dissociative disorder. im not sure if that big traumatic event caused my alters or if Doc had already existed, but it certainly split my sense of self to some degree. Doc saved our life. Daniel, the alter who presents as the original, could not handle existence. after the psychward, my system almost achieved final fusion. Daniel went dormant. Doc was the only alter. later that month a new alter split and it took 4 months for Daniel to return.

afterward my horrible psychiatrist with the tiny shorts decided that my meltdowns were because of my adhd, which has been successfully treated since i was 4. he put me on ritalin, despite my bad history with it. ritalin gave me a panic attack that lasted 3 days without stopping. my mum immediately took me off it as soon as she noticed the heightened anxiety. a microdose of magic mushrooms of all things, cured my anxiety for a week while also treating my adhd while i had no adhd meds, so do with that what you will (mushies may have saved my life).

i already had a traumatic life, and the asylum was the hammer that finally shattered my cracked mind. i never really had a sense of self, no individuality, so its no wonder i have OSDD.

the trauma didn't stop there.

couple years later i ended up in E Puni, a jail for children who cant live with their families. i mean it when say jail. concrete walls and floors, cameras everywhere, doors that cant be opened from inside, stale food. i cant eat a lot of thing due to being autistic, so i starved. they did not not accommodate my needs.

i had another meltdown, so i got violently picked up and literally thrown onto a concrete floor in solidarity confinement. water all over the floor. i dissociated so much i could barely stand. for some reason they didn't take my belt so i tried to hang myself.

they damaged the nerves in my left arm when they threw me. i couldn't use my arm for 3 months, and when i explained why i was struggling with arm strength, they said i was faking nerve damage. i thought i would be permanently disabled. thank god it was temporary. i was forced to participate in being around screaming teenagers who made sounds i cant handle because of sensory processing disorder. some of those poor kids had been there for 5 years.

the only 2 staff there who cared for me left because they couldn't handle seeing the organized abuse the children went through. i couldnt take it either.

im in a different place now, though still in state care. its been rough, but here its only bad if i have meltdowns.

as for the cops, the most notable thing theyve done is tell me that they "can restrain [me] without reason".

if anyone ever asks why i am an anarchist, this is why.

[just-wondering-ok]

i love feeling insanely dysphoric to the point where i cant look at my own body

i love randomly remembering the things that ruined my life all the time because i have ptsd and i cant get rid of it

i love feeling so disgusted by food i just starve myself or force myself to throw up because i literally cant eat

i love not feeling like i belong in any of my friend groups because im either too queer or too different or too soft spoken or some dumb shit

i love having a disorder that ruins my relationships with everyone and makes me sensitive to literally everything ever

i love realizing i hate most of my family but i only just realized bc i didnt want to be an angsty teen who hated their parents but i was in denial because i do

i love constantly feeling judged for oversharing and being open about too many things and sharing things im not supposed to share but i cant control it for some reason

i love that i literally dont have a reason to live bc i hate my phone, i hate not being accepted into my family, i hate not fitting in with my friends, i hate feeling inferior to my bf, i hate almost everything really

i love the no communication and the fact that i dont know what to do with all this fucking rage i just wanna hit and scream but i cant. i fucking cant.

i hate me.

[thatkdpoh]

Introduction i think?

Ok so I’ve been like really excited to do this I don’t know why but this is I think controversy? I don’t know how controversy works but this is how it happened.

I am 12 yrs old, My height is 5,1 and holy shit wanna kms but I am 130 pounds. This will flucate and idk how to spell it but it’s like a line with a dot in the front or end and it goes left to right so I flucate to 130 to 140 I hate that.

How I know about ED/Backstory/rant (cringy ik sorry :c :

I was always a fat kid and I’ve hated it, I understand that I didn’t care about my weight but when I was like what 8 to 9 whenever my dad would say cow to me in taqvaylit I don’t know how to write it but I know something’s like amcic or tizizwith or afkroune which is cat, bee and turtle in that order. I would feel self conscious and sometimes cry to because I’m very sensitive which is like cringy i know lol. My heaviest had to been this year like 140 pounds but I think it was water weight and shit. Anyways my mom tried to get me to fast and she would force me or smth maybe not force but like tried to get me to lose weight. She’d say it directly and it would always make me feel bad but like I understand being 130 for like 8 yrs or 9 to 12 is very heavy and embarrassing considering I always saw kids would be more skinner than me I’d feel very bad. Until recently like last year in 6th grade I was reading fanfics of a human au of TMNT i didnt know what ED’s were so when it showed up the word bulimia I thought it meant bullshit but it didn’t sound right so I searched it up and saw the symptoms that’s when I also learned about anorexia and pica etc. When I saw the symptoms I started copying them now this is the part that I think is controversy I copied the symptoms which I know was bad but I was fucking lazy and still am couldn’t do a workout for the life of me or restrict food, I was used to eating a lot and when I saw the symptoms I copied them and they worked!! I loved it and then the minute I knew how to starve myself, I actually don’t know how to continue with that but I didn’t know how much of a deeper hole I got into but I really loved it and still do EMBARRASING. I did do exercise I did like 100 sit ups a day which did nothing but it did make my body ache and stopped, 5th grade was the worst out of all my grades for now but 6th might be second but it wasn’t that bad just a lot of crying and seeing how fat I am made me cry that’s it. Now if I don’t starve at all or try too I would feel like shit. In 6th grade I also saw that purging was a symptom so I made myself throw up but only if I ate way to fucking much and I’m so bloated it hurts and I can’t take the pressure so I throw up just to take off a little pressure and go back but then I’d feel sick which sucked :C. When Ramandan came though I was A BEAST not an actual beast but like it was my oppertuinity to fast without anyone questioning because I live in a studio apartment with 5 other people that are my family >_<. Obviously with my blabber mouth which I hate told everything to my mom but I think she thinks that I’m ok now :D. Any way I’d only eat 5 tablespoons of soup every night and I was very tired and I lost 6 pounds!! Which isn’t a lot but I made it to 124 pounds!! But then I gained it all back in summer break, cried, tried to fast for 3 days but fainted on the 36 hour?? I’m not sure because when I stopped the fast because my mom told me to eat and spoiler alert I cried cause I have little bitchitas if u know Kubz scouts u know. I paused at the 38 hour so like 36 is my highest to fast which is embarrassing again. ANYWAY NOW IM IN 7TH GRADE STUGGLIJG EITH THIS THINGY :]] I sound like those I guess I deserve it heh thing but like no I’m not seriously I just wanted to be silly. Anyway I’m gonna try that ABC diet which I think seems kind of mid to hard but I think fitnesspal would help me with it <33

BYE EVERYONE HAVE A GREAT DAY OR NIGHT HAVE A GREAT THANKSGIVING SND MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!! :33