#im here in a dark room like im in pain everyone hates me nothing i say comes out right my writing is terrible and always will be

[hella1975]

what was the evolutionary logic behind 'once a month 50% of this species are going to think they are awful and everyone hates them and they should die. also they are liable to cry over a bowl of soup' because that was so fucked of whoever cooked that up

[sttoru]

𝐈𝐓’𝐒 𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐏𝐄𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐀𝐆𝐀𝐈𝐍 .

⟣ sypnosis. a nightmare of your lover’s disappearance wakes you from your sleep.

⟣ tags. gojo satoru x female reader. angst, comfort, fluff. takes place after gojo’s unsealed but before dec 24th, bits of spoilers jjk leaks 236 at the end. mentions of death, blood.

⟣ note. based on it’s happening again by agnes obel. coping rn dhmu . . . not proofread bcs i cant read through my tears anyways hope u enjoy im gonna cry myself to sleep now

everyone has to die at one point — not even the strongest of all could avoid that tragical fate. not even the strongest sorcerer you call your lover.

no, not even him. the universe couldn’t spare him. you thought that maybe, it would. maybe fate wouldn’t apply to him. oh, how wrong you were.

blood splatter—a stream of red liquid. right at your feet. right in front of your eyes. a man in half. and not just any regular man;

“satoru !”

your dark surroundings become blurry with tears, your body jolts out of its current dreaming state. you could feel your heart in your chest—in your throat. your brain shut itself off for a few seconds as your eyes try to make out shapes and figures in the room you’re in. your bedroom.

you only then realises that it was all just a gruesome nightmare. a hyperrealistic one at that; one that will haunt you for years.

“hmmh.. ‘m right here, baby.” a groggy voice next to you replies to your yell in agony. the yell that was the shape of your lover’s name leaving your lips—

you instantly turn your head to the right and there he was; the man whom just met death in your dreams. gojo satoru, all alive and well. in your bed, in your presence, in your life.

satoru’s hand aimlessly pats the space next to him in search of your body whilst he rubbed his eyes with the other, trying to adjust his sight to the dark so he could find you. you seemed to be in complete distress. which he does not like.

“it’s okay, shh, shh,” your lover hums, hand finally finding your arm. he doesn’t hesitate to pull you on top of him—your head laying on his chest.

his body was warm. his heartbeat was there. loud and clear in your right ear.

“satoru. . .” a river of tears flows down your cheeks like a dam that has been broken into. your body trembles, lungs feeling like they couldn’t get any air in them from how hard you were sobbing. the pain of losing your loved one; it all came flowing back to you.

satoru frowns, “hey, hey. look at me — sweetheart, c’mon.”

he instantly sits up and pulls you along with him. his hands find your cheeks, tilting your head up. this time it was his turn to feel his heart break in pieces. you looked absolutely distraught. as if you just went through a traumatic experience of some kind. he hated it.

“shit,” satoru mutters under his breath before pulling you into his embrace again, arms circling your waist with his head buried in the crook of your neck, “it’s okay, i’m here now. you’re safe.”

it wasn’t the first time you had nightmares when he was with you. you had them regularly after satoru had gotten sealed in the prison realm for nineteen days—nineteen days of dread for you. of an empty bed, an empty house and an empty life.

when satoru had finally been released from the prison realm it was like a dream come true. a happy dream, that is. not those repetitive, bad ones you have every now and then. you still get those nightmares of your lover being either taken away from you by force or by death itself. your brain couldn’t give you a break — even after his return.

“take a deep breath in,” satoru instructs and sets an example by doing the breathing exercise with you, “hold it for three seconds . . . breathe out for six. mhmm, good—jus’ like that.”

you repeat it a couple more times, sobbing and shaking throughout the entirety of the exercise, but eventually manage to calm down a little. satoru sighs in relief at this;

“you okay, baby?”

you nod weakly and sniff, wanting nothing more than to be held by the man you thought had vanished from your life forever. you had that scare once, when he was sealed, and you never want to go back to those dark times. ever.

“it’s— i, just—“ you hiccup once, unable to complete entire sentences, “i thought you w-were gone. i thought you had died.”

it was silent after that (except for the sound your silent sobs and sniffles). satoru had guessed by now that you saw him die in your dream — that much was pretty obvious. but, the thought that you were this distressed because of it makes him. . . happy in a way.

happy that someone would mourn over him at least.

“well,” satoru pensively replies, hands rubbing your back up and down soothingly, “everyone has to meet their end one day, you know?”

that sentence was one that was meant to lighten up the grim mood somehow. one of his many lighthearted remarks that were supposed distract you from your tears. it would work during other moments like these — were you’d be too baffled by the things satoru says to care about what you were crying for — yet today it only worsens your misery.

“shut up.” you weakly punch his chest to which the white haired male chuckles softly, his slender fingers instantly interlocking with yours. satoru’s thumb brushes against your wrist before pulling it up to his lips, placing ticklish kisses among your skin.

another silence hangs in the air.

“seriously though. . . if i were to somehow die, i’d want you to live and move on, yeah?” your lover whispers in such a quiet tone that it was almost inaudible. satoru had looked death right in the eye before — he didn’t care back then if it were actually his end.

he does now. he has the world to lose — his world — his everything. you.

satoru wants to live a happy life with you. he doesn’t want to die now that he has you. the love of his life which he wants to grow old with. maybe have kids with. start an own family away from the busy streets, away from the swarming curses in the city and away from all that sorcerer stuff. it was a nice dream.

“shut it!” you huff and satoru takes another weak punch to the chest. his gaze lands upon your tear struck face and he instantly drops the serious ‘act’.

the sorcerer laughs, his usual boyish laugh that makes you feel better, and he flips you both over so that he has you pinned underneath him. satoru grins before kissing your tummy all over, making you giggle from the ticklish feeling;

“i’m playin’, baby! i’m not going anywhereeee!” he promises through wet pecks against your skin, the smile on his evident even if you couldn’t see it — you could hear it in his voice.

satoru leaves your tummy and moves on to your neck and face. he was smothering you in affection in hopes you’d cheer up some way. he just wants you to forget about anything bad happening to him. you didn’t deserve to think about all that stuff — you deserve to be happy and full of joy.

even without him one day.

“i’d never leave my princess all alone.” satoru shakes his head and pouts dramatically, “who else is gonna spoil you? or kiss and cuddle you to bed, huh?”

you finally show an ounce of joy. a tiny smile. that was all satoru had needed to see. he wasn’t going to stop there, however. his goal was to turn that small smile into a full blown fit of laughter.

“i’m one of a kind, baby. you’re never gonna meet a man like me.” he continues with a proud grin, putting all of his body weight on top of you which causes you to groan and grumble a lighthearted complain.

satoru knows you like it whenever he clings to you and thus he uses that piece of knowledge to help you feel better. his head was buried into your shoulder, limbs enveloping your body like a koala.

“whatever.” you roll your eyes and snuggle up to your lover, closing your eyes as the tiredness hits your body after all that crying.

“whatever !” satoru mocks you in a high-pitched tone, followed by a pair of giggles from the two of you. a third and final punch to the chest finally shuts him up for the rest of the night.

the sorcerer made sure you had fallen asleep first before he whispered the next words in your ear, hoping they’d calm your mind and body so that no nightmares would ever bother you again;

“don’t you worry, sweets. i’m not leaving you. ever.”

. . .

those were the same exact words satoru wished he could utter to you one last time before the current date — 24th of december.

[guiltysungho]

— let the light in

genre : tags. domestic, angst, fluff, comfort, reader is in a slump

pairing. bsf!kim donghyun x gn!reader

wordcount. 726

a/n. this went a completely different direction than I intended but i still wanna put it out there, im not used to writing like this so it might not be perfect but i hope you enjoy reading it. its not too sad dw.

Once again you were stuck in your room completely shut off from everything and everyone, you hated when this happened but it seemed to have become a part of your life. You rolled over on the bed where your phone was charging right at the edge of your mattress, letting the bright led light flash in your eyes as you adjusted to the feeling of being awake after what felt like an endless slumber.

I’ll be there in 10 - Donghyun 5 mins ago

Your knight in shining armor, he had been spamming you throughout the week hoping you’d reply him more than 3 letters. He knew your moods too well to not know what was going on, after 5 years of being close you’d hope 2 letters was enough for him to read the signs.

You rolled back belly flat against the mattress, drowning in the darkness of your cave waiting for the jingle of his keys to help you out of your slump. Maybe your patience was wearing out, your eyes grew heavier as you waited, almost ready to shut, and then you heard it, the jingle.

“I brought you take out, I’m gonna come in so like don’t be naked” He called out from the other side of your room door, you somehow managed to crawl out of bed and swing the door wide open for him before falling right back on it, you loved your bed.

“Feed me.” You groaned in pain, jokingly, somehow you were able to joke.

He smiled at you, and your face muscles mirrored like a reflex. You sat up on your bed watching him walk around your room, first to the desk placing all the treats far from your reach and then the curtains, it was inevitable, your begging was in vain as he let the light in.

“It’s a really nice day out, if I feed you we should take a walk, deal?” as usual bargain, nothing came easily in this life, you shook his hand reluctantly.

When you think about it, it felt almost comical the way you’d regain life whenever he showed up, before Donghyun you hated being bothered whenever you felt this wave of utter lack of willingness. You would figure it out yourself and that could take months, but now you didn’t even have to say anything for someone to just be there.

It wasn’t like you couldn’t do these things on your own but some times were harder than others and knowing someone cared enough to help you made it easy again. You didn’t know what it made you, if it meant anything outside of your friendship, but you felt loved and that was more than enough.

“You’re doing such a good job, don’t worry too much I’m here for you,” sweet words of comfort that helped, like he could read your mind and sense your doubts just so he could reassure you later.

“I’m sorry I’m such a mess” He shook his head, dismissing your comment,

“You’re not a mess baby, I’m doing this because I love you,” Your eyes glistened with heavy tears just waiting to drop, the feeling of his soft hands on your cheeks made you close your eyes, finally letting them loose as you took in a deep breath, a soft pout on your lips as you looked back up at him.

“I love your pout, and I love your smile. I’m working hard to see that beautiful smile again,” his thumbs brushing away the droplets staining your cheeks, he made you feel like you didn’t constantly have to put up a front.

That you could actually be human and he wouldn’t decide one day that he wanted a doll, his words made you wonder the depth of his love, was this just another moment that friends shared. Did he mean them the same way they sounded to you?

The weight of your worries had shifted from one thing to another, walking down the river by his side you wonder how many meanings could “i love you” have, could you be loved even more than this?

Thinking about it, made your cheeks burn up, placing your fingers on your lips trying to not get carried away, while he was right there but the smile was too strong to hide, turning your face away from him as you succumbed to the feeling.

“There it is.”

[st4rluvrr]

Friends

☆ “tell me we weren't just friends"

synopsis: fem!reader x jealous! ellie williams. you and ellie used to be friends before she randomly stopped talking to you and you bump into her at a party. based on friends by chase atlantic.

wc: 1.7k

warnings: smut, metions of alcohol, dom!ellie, sub!reader, degregration, overstimulation, blood, no aftercare

an: another chase atlantic song. this is not proof read and im not proud of this so yeah.

Lights flicker over Dina's face, painting her skin blue as she talks. Music plays loudly over a stereo, making it difficult to hear. The beat pulses through your body, leaving your heart pounding and ears bursting.

“So then she says that I’m being overdramatic. And I’m like you cheated on me, the least I should do is break up with you.” She says, irritated as she retells the details from her weekend.

You try to listen to her story, truly interested and wanting to be a good friend. But you were on edge, constantly checking the door, to see if she would be here. You didn’t want to face her, never wanted to see her again, you only agreed to come to this party because Dina promised that she wasn’t going to turn up but it was like your body craved her, needed her.

“Oh, you said she wouldn’t be here,” You say when you see Ellie walk through the door. Your heart raced at the sight of her. Her hair is cut short, shaggy against the back of her neck, fringe swept to the side. A brown button-up shirt is rolled up to reveal her tattoo, the top buttons were undone. There was no need for you to find her that attractive when you were still so mad at her.

You roll your eyes when you see everyone move towards her, desperate to greet her. You look over at Dina, and she at least looks a little apologetic. She knew it was better if you never saw each other again as you would be unable to resist her.

“She wasn’t supposed to, she told Jesse she was staying in,” As much as you tried to avoid Ellie, it was difficult when your friends were also her friends. They never truly knew what happened between the two of you. You couldn’t explain it yourself. Just that one day you both couldn’t stand to be in a room with each other. Jesse always insists that you will become friends again.

You don’t think you can, not after she left you. Abandoned you for her. Cast you aside like you meant nothing to her.

But she meant something to you. She made you feel wanted and needed. Your name was the one she was moaning at night when she would stay over, and she would fall asleep in your arms, only to be gone before the sun rose.

She didn’t need you. She proved that every time she left. She just needed someone to want her, and you would never be enough for her.

The longer she ignored you, the quicker the pain turned to anger. You finally had enough of her antics and swore to never take her back again.

You watched as a girl trailed after her, following everywhere she went like a lost puppy, begging for a drop of her attention. You hated to admit that that was you a couple of months ago. That you would have done anything for her. And deep down, you still would.

-

The room swarmed with heat, and your body flushed as more people began to turn up. As the night wore on, the alcohol started to take effect. You began to lose track of time, you becoming less and less aware of your surroundings as the night progressed. You found yourself getting lost in the moment, completely forgetting about Ellie and the girl she brought with her.

You were dancing with Dina, spinning each other around to the music. Laughing when she slips, grabbing onto her to stop her from falling.

“Oh sorry,” You apologise when you knock into someone while trying to save Dina. They turn to face you, your pulse quickens when you see their face.

Their hair is tied up, curls breaking out of the hair band, framing her face. Her lips were tainted dark red, perfectly complementing her skin. She was pretty, very pretty and you deserved to have a little fun. It had been months since you were last with Ellie, and you wanted to be wanted.

“Oh no don’t worry about it,” You lean in closer to her to hear over the blaring music. Her perfume wafts over to you. It’s sweet and flowering and pulls you in. “I’m Olivia,”

You return with your name, and when a new song starts to play, she places her hands on your hips, moving both of you to the beat. You step closer to her, shoes bumping as you dance with her. She starts to lean closer to you, your lips brushing over each other. You only need to move an inch, and her lips with be on yours.

A hand grabs your wrist, pulling you away for her. Their grip is tight and unforgiving and only tightens when you try to break free. You pull your hand from their grip roughly as she slams the bathroom door behind her, locking it.

“What the hell is your problem?” You yell at Ellie, walking over to the sink and leaning against it, trying to keep the distance between the two of you. 

“You shouldn’t be with her,” She says, her jaw clenching when you roll your eyes at her.

“What the fuck?” You state in disbelief. She has no right to think she can stop you from moving on. She is the one who left you. She is the reason you are moving on in the first place.

“She’s no good for you,”

“And what you are?” Her silence says enough. You both know you are too good for her, that she would never treat you right. “You don’t get to choose who I date.”

“Well, I should if that’s who you pick. You just can’t help acting like a slut for the first person who gives you the tiniest bit of attention,” She starts slowly walking towards you, and you press further into the marble, trying to escape her. You feel small under her piercing gaze. She is close enough that you can see her pupils are blown wide in lust. You know how this is going to end, and it becoming harder to deny her the closer she gets.

“Or is it my attention that you wanted?”

“You’re so full of yourself,”

“I’m right, aren’t I?” You feel her breath fan over your face as she speaks. She smirks when you don’t respond. Her lips brush over yours, and as you tilt your head, she pulls her head back slightly, making sure that your lips don’t touch. “That’s why you dressed like a whore.”

And her calling you that shouldn’t make you wet, but you can feel your arousal pool in your underwear. It makes your mind foggy, and all you can think about is her lips on yours.

You connect your lips with hers, roughly kissing her. She grabs onto your hips tight enough that she will leave bruises. Your hands wrap around her, tugging at the hair on the nape of her neck. You suck her bottom lip into your mouth, biting hard enough to taste copper.

“You fucking bitch,” Ellie pulls back. You can see blood pooling on her lip, and you grab her shirt to drag her mouth onto yours again. You lick over the cut, soothing the ache, and she moans into your mouth, giving you access to deepen the kiss. Her hand moves up to grab your tit, palming the flesh through your top. Her other hand reaches down to push up your skirt, leaving it bunched up around your waist.

“Fucking hell,” She whispers when she sees your lace panties, “You really are a slut,”

Her hand tugs on the fabric, pulling it tight against your clit, and you moan at the pressure you are finally receiving. Her hand drags your top down, making your boobs spill over the edge. She rolls your nipple between her fingers, pinching hard.

Ellie starts trailing kisses down your neck, biting the flesh and leaving behind a mark. You moan at the pain, the sting making your cunt throb.

Her hand slips under the lace of your panties, moaning at how wet you are. Her fingers graze your clit, brushing past it to dip the tip of her finger into your hole.

She pushes two fingers into you quickly, but you are wet enough that they slip in easily. Her thumb grazes over your clit, making your head spin. You are already close to the edge. It has been a while since you have felt someone else’s fingers on you.

She curls her fingers inside of you, reaching the spot that makes you see stars. The coil is tightening in the stomach so close to snapping.

She circles your clit faster, her fingers pumping in and out of you. And that’s what makes the cool snap. You moan loudly, your legs buckling beneath you, Ellie’s grip the only thing keeping you standing.

“You’re so fucking beautiful,” She kisses your lips, slow and softly this time. Her hand cups your jaw, tucking a piece of hair behind your ear.

She lifts you up and onto the counter, before Ellie drops to her knees before you, her hands passing over your side as she kneels. She pulls your panties down, leaving them to rest on top of your thighs.

She lifts one of your legs onto her shoulder, trailing kisses down your thigh, sucking marks into the fat. Her hands push your thighs further apart before she kisses directly over your clit. You are still sensitive from your last orgasm, and you jolt backwards in pleasure. She licks a strip along your folds, swirling her tongue around the throbbing bud.

It’s almost too much, your legs close around her head, trying to push her away. But Ellie pins your legs open, and you cannot fight against her strength. She sucks your clit into her mouth, and the pleasure is blinding. You grab onto her hair, pushing her harder, making her moan into your cunt. The vibrations cause you to cum, and you can feel your juices flowing down her thighs and dripping down her chin.

Ellie stands back up, licking her lips and wiping her chin with the back of her hand. You sit for a second longer, catching your breath before it all comes back to you. The pain Ellie has caused you over these last weeks. The girl that’s probably still sitting on that sofa, waiting for Ellie to get back to her.

“I should go,” You pull up your underwear and readjusted your skirt. “You should go back to your girlfriend,”

“She’s not my girlfriend,”

“You should tell her that,”

[fatuismooches]

Man I adore tormenting dottore as my love language :3

cw: kinda dark? zandik accidentally hurting us because he's hallucinating (IM NOT AN EXPERT I just think it's like. Very realistic if this were to happen)

Anyways, I like to think that Dottore came from a... Rather unpleasant home, and then especially burned his home town along with everyone who has cursed him (except for you ofc)

Still, the memories hasn't left him. It's not like he could, no matter how much he buries himself in his research. Zandik can't heal when he pretends that it's all fine and that dwelling into such emotions would be a waste of time. This proved to be more prominent during his younger days...

One day, I could just imagine, you come home to your shared dorm, all preppy and smiles because you're finally gonna spend time with the love of your life! Only to see absolute ruin of your dorm—everything was a mess, papers strewn every where, couch flipped, drops of his blood on the floor. You panic, wondering if the Matra finally raided your home to arrest Zandik, then you heard him yell—in your bedroom. You run towards it, frantically, and stupidly.

You should've assessed the situation more. Took a deep breath and calmed your mind—but you were striken with anxiety and fear, and when you shouted "what happened here!?" "What did you do!?" at him, you were quickly met with pain you've never felt before.

He had burned you with a torch, and now you're on the ground, writhing and screaming in hellish pain, cradling the parts of your body that was burnt to a crisp. You see him grinning at you, eyes full of satisfaction and malice.

You thought that this was what he wanted all along, that everything was a lie and he just used you for all your worth, and now that he has nothing to use you for, he has decided to kill you.

But you then hear him shout: "Are you proud of me? I've become the monster you've always told me that I am."

Quickly, you realize that he hadn't meant to hurt you.

The scars stayed, much to Zandik's dismay. After treating your injuries, he has resorted to ignoring you for the next couple of days, being mean and insulting you.

Just be patient with him, you know that he cares. And that he's absolutely crushed that he has hurt you, of all people. He didn't mean it, but now you've got painful scars that will ache for a life time, all because of him. All because he was stubborn to heed your concerns. He wanted to burn the past, he really did. To forget and move on. He hated his childhood so much that he's willing to just let it burn into ashes... But he didn't realize if he tried, he'd burn you along with it.

You see him open his mouth whenever he tends your healing wounds, but then close it, biting his bottom lip to keep it from trembling. You see him read books all about treating burn wounds, cook you meals, ignoring his research all for you—his hands shook, eyes dark though glassy. You know he wants to apologize, but then his eyes goes to your scars, sucks in a deep breath, glares at you and walks away.

He's really doing his best to push you away

Zandik cares so much that he wants you to leave him, hate him, for being who he is, for being what he is. But no, you're smiling so softly and reassuring him that you're fine. That it's not his fault, that he didn't mean it.

And he'd yell he did mean it, that you were just lucky to survive (as if he hasn't lost sleep and progress on his research just to tend to you).

It wasn't his fault, you urged.

You remember it all vividly. Zandik knocking frantically at your home, houses ablaze behind him, his body littered with cuts and bruises. People were carrying torches and pitchforks, makeshift weapons and screaming at Zandik to just leave—and with out much thought, you grabbed as much as you could from your room and ran away with him.

You knew he finally snapped that day. Took matters in his own hands... He never talked much about it, but you could assume what happened. And you were certain he had confronted his parents before it all went to shit.

He wasn't trying to hurt you. He never did, and he would never want to hurt you. You were the exception and will always be, he would rather let the world cave in than letting you bleed by his hands. Zandik was lost in his thoughts, drowning in unpleasant memories and his eyes deceived him—he thought you were someone else, and he wanted to hurt them, not you.

JGJGOFHFJDSJS yeah that, he most definitely probably cry in your arms talking about how much he hates ur scars bc he gave them to you...

I would add more BUT IM LITERALLY IN CLASS AND MY PROFESSOR IS LECTURING HELP OKAY BYE SMOOCHES ILY /P HAVE A GOOD DAY CKCBXKCBDJ

Sorry for this I just like. Exploring struggles and menta shit KBcjcjc

MOOT WHAT IS THIS... WHY ARE YOU HURTING US LIKE THIS my JAW WAS DROPPED THE WHOLE TIME 😭😭 Okay but real. I have two hcs when it comes to Zandik's parents - they were the only ones who loved him but they died when he was really young, or they really just hated him. I've also heard others say "Zandik" can be used as an insult too? I don't know how true that is though. But yeah I think the latter is more likely to be true unfortunately 💔 Even if they were nice to him it wouldn't be enough to counter a whole town's worth of hatred towards him... yup yup the village definitely got burned down to the ground.

One would think that he wouldn't be affected. But he wasn't Dottore yet. He was merely Zandik at this point. He couldn't just shrug it off and go about his day. He pondered. He thought. He felt. He was still more human, more feeling than he wanted to admit, and he absolutely hated it. Still, he didn't regret it, but the memories would simply not leave his head. It was wholly bothersome. After all, not too long ago he was merely a little boy... a little boy who was deemed a monster, a demon child. All the people, even his own parents who accused him were gone now yet... their voices still rang clear in his head. And of course you had no clue, because Zandik would never speak about his feelings under any circumstance.

OUCHHHH HOW CAN I EVEN WRITE THE NEXT PART?? I CAN'T WRITE IT AS GOOD AS YOU oh gosh I WILL TRY. Ah... coming home to your shared dorm. Thinking it's going to be another regular, good day with you and your lover. But it's not, and when you see your home ransacked of course the first thing that goes through your mind is if your Zandik is okay. Of course you you rush to him and beckon him to tell you what happened as anyone would do. Of course you try to reach out to him. And of course, you didn't expect to be licked with flames by your lover's own hand, not only is your body crying out in pain but so is your heart - did Zandik really not care for you after all of these years? The only one who you treasured above all else... perhaps he never viewed you more than a pawn. But then you hear those few words that make you realize what's truly going on - ah, you understand now.

The logical part of Zandik knew that the scars would remain, but the illogical part of him hoped (to think he was even capable of that) badly that they wouldn't. You wonder what his expression was when he was tending to your wounds - you were asleep at the time - but even if you had seen it you probably wouldn't be able to put it into words... it was expressionless yet also not at the same time. He looked empty, and unfeeling, yet he looked the opposite too. And perhaps you wouldn't believe how tenderly he treated your wounds, from the way he's giving you the cold shoulder now. You wouldn't know the way his hands shook the whole time because he did that to you. The one person who would never, who should have never faced his anger, his wrath. It's all his fault, there's no denying that, he hurt you and now you're going to be hurting for the rest of your life too. The last person, no the only person who he doesn't want to see hurt.

Even now, Zandik doesn't understand you. How the fuck are you more calm about this than he is. He hurt you. He burnt you and he meant it and yet in the aftermath, there's not a hint of resentment on your face and he doesn't understand - he hates it so much, you should hate him, in fact it'd make him feel better if you did because how can you even begin to like him a tiny bit after what he's just done, he's claimed to love you and even in that twisted mind of his he knows that's not what lovers do. He doesn't understand why you haven't packed your bags and moved to another dorm by now, hell why do you try to usher him to bed because "lack of sleep is bad for him" what actually goes through your mind...? What went through your mind when you decided to leave with him too? The villagers weren't after you, just him, you could have had a normal life, but you still decided to go with him... you two had no plan, no money, no real necessities but you gave up everything for him anyway. Sigh...

Ouch... i feel like at some point you would just accept your scars but Zandik? Haunts him more than he wants to admit. Don't get me wrong he still thinks you're beautiful but... you know what I mean. Mhm... imagine the child segment asking you where/how you got the scars from and at the moment you make up the most ridiculous lie because that's all your brain can think of because there's no way you're telling the baby that Prime did it. Oh and the angst if Dottore hears that convo :(

Okay... moving on from that angst... PLS You're hella brave for being on tumblr in class, I'm too scared to open it or write fics in general in fear of someone seeing 😭 Once I accidentally opened my blog on my laptop and I closed the tab at LIGHT SPEED. ILY TOO KAI I HOPE YOU'RE DOING WELL!! ❤️❤️❤️

[send-up-my-heart-to-you]

in honor of world mental health day heres my story below the cut :)

kinda hard to talk abt this cause its somewhat triggering and ik theres gonna be ppl who think im just an emo 15 y/o, but i swear im not tryna be dramatic. im tryna make peace with my past, and also show others that despite everything, you can make it.

also, im tryna show that healing isnt all sunshine and daises. theres the good, the bad, and the ugly. you can and will survive it all

tw: sewerslide attempt, abusive parents, self harm, violence ig ?

ive died two times in my life so far.

the first time, it was my parents who killed me. december 31st, 2020, ~1.15am. i remember dragging across the hallway in my house, a throbbing sensation in my thigh, the mark already turning purple. i walked past my younger sisters' room, where my cousin was sleeping over with them, and i remember climbing into bed, hugging my pillow, crying against the pillow. that night, it was my innocence that died. my childhood happiness, per se. i remember swearing to myself in those final moments before darkness that id never forget that day. december 31st, 2020, ~1.15am.

the time between my two deaths was filled with barely anything other than self loathing. i remember trying to set goals for myself, reasons to live. i tried out new hobbies. i was never able to meet those goals, and all the hobbies bored me.

i met some of the best people ever during that time. i also met some of the worst. i might sound dramatic, cause im young and impressionable, but the people i met during that time genuinely shaped who i am. i dont wanna act like im an old soul or anything, cause im sure that in a few years imma look back and think, "shit, i was really immature." but i matured faster than others my age. i found myself faster, found things i liked, found love, found out i hated being in love.

and then i died again.

this was a recent death. june 22, 2023. my mental health had been deteriorating for months prior – i still have scars on my arms.

it was a slower death compared to the last one. i started dying at around 4.00pm. it went on for an hour before the pain became unbearable and i confessed to my parents. i didnt want to go to the hospital, i was scared of what theyd do. i threw up seven times before giving in at about 8.00pm. they took me to the hospital. i was told told me i was lucky to be alive, that my liver was still functional. i didnt feel lucky. i felt like death wouldve been less painful. my head was spinning

i died in that hospital bed, at ~9.40pm, with my eyes wide open, my mom sitting near me. my thoughts at the time were along the lines of this:

im quite literally a child in the eyes of the world. ive done nothing. i have a psychology exam tomorrow. i have a book im halfway done writing, and a new story thats been brewing in my head for months. but if i die now, ill never get to finish any of that. ill never succeed. ill never be able to spit in the faces of the girls who bullied me, of the teachers who doubted me. why would i do this to myself? why would i rob myself of that chance?

so i died. but not the same way as last time. this time, it was the poisonous me that died, the me that whispered in my ear that my life would amount to nothing, that everyone else had it better, that you either succeed or you dont.

and when i died the second time, something happened that didnt happen the first time.

i was reborn.

at the time of me writing this, its been less than four months since my rebirth. in those four months:

i decided to change the world somehow. not necessarily by finding the cure to cancer or anything, id be satisfied if it was just a cute lil video i made going viral. as long as theres someone out there who i changed

i finished about six chapters of my book

i began writing the story that had been brewing in my head

i started lifting weights to make myself feel better abt how i looked

i got closer to god. stopped missing prayer

i moved schools, leaving behind both bullies and friends

i started focusing on my studies

i tried to fix my relationships with my parents and my siblings

dont get me wrong. none of these are completed. im still an extreme case of nobody-ness. i havent finished writing either of my stories. i still skip out on working out a lot i still only do the bare minimum in terms of religion. im still struggling to catch up in school to make up for my three years of burnout. my relationship with my family is still kinda weird

and i still feel like im dying sometimes. its not like i changed overnight and all those suicidal thoughts and feelings of drowning just disappeared when the sunrays came up. theres still a lot of issues in my life.

but i have faith in myself. in my ability to change the things that can be changed. in creating happiness where theres room for it to be made.

and if finding happiness a losing battle?

well, ill fight like its the fucking boudican revolt.

[coleyo]

FINAL BITTW CHAPTER!

Micheals camera would flash to static, as a muffled crash came from the other end. "MICHEAL-!" Leon screamed, before heavy breathing came from their end. Nothing could be seen or heard, only muffled noises. The group were set on a full blown panic..

   Micheal picked his head up, blood dropping from a small cut. "A Peasant like you had the audacity to come back?" The kraang growled, grabbing Micheal by the neck. He'd squirm before speaking, "Look, how about we have a-- a nice discussion about--T-THIS!" The mutant strained as the kraang squeezed him, Micheal yelped, attempting to grab his weapon. He was suddenly thrown down to the rock hard surface below him, soon to use this as an opportunity to back away. Everything was spinning, he'd struggle to stand.

"You're just as pathetic as your brother.."

  "He's not pathetic.. be sensible about this!" Micheal argued, though, it was foolish to reason with a monster like the kraang. Mikey drew his weapons and sighed,

"What a rare misstep.." "im-- I'm not scared of you. I don't care if I die here, just knowing you're still tucked away where you belong brings me eternal joy..," the boy spoke, a slight flash of light coming from his hands.

"Till death do you part, hm?"

"...Always."

"What do we do!?" Casey asked, everyone in the lair was concerned, worried, and incredibly nervous. "I don't see or hear anything!" Donnie typed away on his computer. In the middle of this heated debate, Mikey snuck away.

The mutant paced around the room, "what do I do, what do I do.." he'd strain..,

"..Portals... Portals! Oh, thank sensei Angelo.." Mikey let out a soft sigh, intertwining his fingers. "..but- how do I . Where do I even start!?" Mikey's smile was replaced by a frown, "despite everything he taught, I'm still a starter! Do I say a certain phrase? Oh, I hate this mystic nimbo!" They'd storm around, telling with complete and utter frustration. Mikey would soon calm himself down, being upset wouldn't solve anything. The mutant relaxed himself, pressing his shell against a wall.. he'd figure this out, even if it took all the time Micheal had left.. maybe he was okay..?

The boy held his hands out, putting all of his energy and thought into this. Everything came to Mikey, sensei Angelo, his family, the disappointment Micheals brothers would feel, everything!

Micheal screamed pain as he was shoved into the ground, a sharp pain shooting through his entire body. He'd gotten a few good hits on the kraang; though, The creature had pinned him down. With it's claws on his plastron, it'd observe Mikey. He was bruised, horribly at that.. they looked just like Leo during the battle. The kraang placed his foot on Micheals chest, using his claw to grab at Micheals arm. He'd try to release himself from the others grip, but failed miserably.

"Do you really think you can escape me? Even defeat me?" He'd tug at Micheals arm as he screamed in pain, "N-NO!" Micheal shouted, just before something.. snapped. Everything went dark as Mikey inhaled sharply. The kranng dropped the other as he'd regain his thoughts..

Blood trickled from Micheals wound and onto the ground.. hesitantly, the mutant looked over to the numbing area, only to see his arm.. misisng. His stomach churned as he went pale, tears began to build in his eyes.

"I never knew you mutants could be so.. fragile."

The monster reinstated, throwing his lost limb onto the ground below. At this point, Micheal felt weak. He'd fall back, as his breathing quickened. Whilst the kraang approached him,

He'd tense up as his life almost flashed before his eyes. Suddenly, static came from the other end.

"Micheal? Micheal!" Donnie and raph shouted through the speaker collectively.

"Are you okay? Can you hear us?"

Micheal would bring his wrist up to his mouth, speaking softly, "I.. I hear you.. listen, you-- you guys.." Micheal paused, attempting to back away. "..I don't think I'll make it this time--.." "What are you talking about?" Raph shouted through tears, before the mutant paused. "This was the dumbest idea I've ever had, huh?.. just.. make sure Mikey gets homme safe,alright?"

Micheals ignored the yells from tbe other send of the speaker,he ripped it off of his wrist and threw it off of the small, floating peice of land.

'this is gonna hurt..' Micheal winced, before a loud crashed stopped both the kraang and Micheal. A shockwave traveled across the prision dimension. When Micheal looked up, she'd spot a.. green portal forming. At first, they were just small cracks, but soon, it grew wider

Micheal smiled, gaining an ounce of hope. Without a moment too soon, she sat up and speak up, despite the burning sensation in one side of Micheals arm. She heard a devastating screech, assuming the kraang had finally noticed. Micheal rushed towards the Portal , struggling to maintain balance. They'd kept spinning and swerving, due to the light weight that his body wasn't used to feeling. As Micheal inched closer, the kraang did to..

Raph stormed out of donnies labs, muttering with worry. Their thoughts were cut off as soon as they saw Mikey, forming.. a portal. "MIKEY!" the snapper yelled, easily caught off guard. "How'd you-- what are you-" "helping, raph! I'm helping you guys! Luckily; sensei didn't just teach me how to be bitter,," the other laughed before Raph smiled; there was hope!" "Cmon' lil guy, you can do this!" He'd smile, placing a hand on Mikey's shoulders. A wave of pain shot through his body, Mikey groaned but pushed through, sensei Angelo never told him it would hurt this much! Soon, Leo and Donnie entered the room, and to their surprise, the two were managing just fine on their own. Once the portal was mostly formed, he struggled to keep it open.. with loved ones to cheer him in, Mikey finally forced the Portal open, wide enough so the could actually see through the prision dimension. The place a

Gave Leo bone chilling thoughts, but he'd ignore them. "Micheal! Look, there he is!" Donnie shouted,but was caught off guard by the loss of his arm. "..Micheal.." raphs expression would soften, "Guys!" Micheal called, raph shook his head before letting go of Mikey's shoulder and reaching inside of the portal. "How about we speed this up, it hurts like hell!"

Raph reached out for Michaels hand, their fingers grazing one another before fully touching. Raph pulled him through, right after seeing the kraang jump towards him. Raph gasped, using all his strength to pummel through. Finally, Micheal made his way through the portal, colapsing to the ground. His brothers came running after him with worry, he was lightheaded and had extreme amount of blood lost...

Once more, right before the kraang could make its way through, the portal was shut by Mikey. Mikey fell back onto the floor, breathing heavily.

"..s- sensei!" The boy rushed towards him, "are you okay?"

"Really, Mikey?" Micheal furrowed his brows before groaning. Despite being horribly injured, they still had their loving personality.

"...lets get you healed." Donnie sotly lifted the other, before, all of a sudden, another portal was formed..

The group paused, looking towards it..

".. Not this portal bizz again-.." Mikey sighed, but something drew him to it.. "what the.." Raphael spoke, approaching Mikey.

"...looks familiar.." Mikey put his head down. Before widening his eyes, "..Don'-.. is this--" "..Home, Mikey." Raph Gave him a reassuring smile.. "..yeah, but how, i--" "does it matter how? You've been through enough, it's time fore you to go!"

"..what about Micheal?"

"I'll be fine!" The ornate turtle held a thumbs up but soon winced In pain..

Mikey sighed, puttitng a hand through the portal..

".. thanks for everything, sensei."

With said, Mikey made his way through the portal, praying that this wasn't another mistake...

2012

When Mikey opened his eyes, all he could be seen was a barn house. It was cold, damp, and quiet. "Er-- hello?"

Mikey wandered throughout the place, before familiar voices echoed through the hall. When. Mikey turned the corner, he was face to face with his brothers.. they stared at one another before the three collectively shouted, "MIKEY!"

"holy-- it must've worked!" Donnie smiled, pulling Mikey into a tight hug. "It's so good to see you dudes again!" Mikey chirped, his brothers were almost In Tears! Even Raph!

The others began showering him with questions, but the one that caught his attention was, 'where were you!?"

Mikey grinned, facing Leo.

"I have the best story to tell! From the top!"

"...Here we go again."

F. I. N.

A/N: WOAH THIS BOOK WAS FUN TO WRITE! it's finally done, 31 chapters in total!

Time taken: Four months

[icarus-does-fall]

Chapter uhhh 8

I promise im working on figuring out a tile of this stupid little story 😔

Rise in the ashes

As Michael awoke pain radiated throughout his body, every movement, every breath sent a stab of pain to him each one causing his vision to blur and his eyes to snow over. On the table next to him, almost like a habit, there was a glass of water and a small bottle of a blue liquid, one that tasted terribly but helped him heal and manage his pain. With a shaky hand he drank both before laying back in bed. He only got a few more moments of quiet before Mary came barging into the room.

“Michael Sanctious! You told me you were okay, Father Keir told me this morning that you all but collapsed the moment you walked into his office! That you two barely even got a chance to talk before he was rushing you to Nurse Matilda! Now tell me the truth, what really happened while you went out yesterday, I'm getting really worried about you brother.”

Michael tried his best to shake his head without visibly flinching, holding back a growl which simply just turned into a sigh . “He- Mary I promised you that I was okay, and I never once in our life broken a promise to you, have I?”

“Well.. no-”

“Then trust me as much as you do in the great ones and in Father Craven, please Mary. It was.., nothing that cannot be dealt with, and I will be back out of bed in no time.”

“But Michael, I just want you to stay safe, you end up here so often that there has to be something going on, can't you just talk to me? It can't be healthy keeping everything to yourself.”

Mary paused a slight pout forming on her face as her ears were mirroring Michaels, both being lowered to their heads as she sighed and then her head tilted. “Why do you call him Father Craven Michael, you know he's told us we're allowed to be less formal with him and call him Keir.”

Michaels ears laid flat against his head and he scowled slightly, at both of Mary's questions. While he loved his sister, sometimes just sometimes she cared too much and pushed too far by accidentally asking all the right things in all the wrong ways. “We have different relationships with the Father Mary, it's nothing important, not really. You simply get along better with him- You get along with everyone, it is a part of your charm, your light so to speak… I am… I'm just me however, the troublesome one, and to counteract that I lean on the more respectful side.”

“Yes but-” The bells of the cathedral rang out, cutting off Mary's sentence. She hung her head and walked over to the side of Michaels bed, placing a chaste and gentle kiss on his forehead right between his ears. “I must go to chapel now brother but I’ll be back again to visit whenever I can.”

With that Mary turned and walked away Michael sighed and collapsed against the pillows on his bed. He was all but exhausted and drained but he had to keep the facade up, at least while in the walls of the cathedral he needed to. There were very few places he could truly relax anymore. His thoughts began to wander and a ghost of a smile slipped onto his face. But with Kain, with Kain he felt almost normal again.

Michael let out a frustrated sigh and ran his hands through his hair and then covered his face as a light blush rose up his cheeks. “Ah damn it all- To the gods above and the hells below damn it all.”

“I can’t… I can’t like him can I? No, that's not supposed to happen… I live in church for gods sake, I'm not supposed to catch feelings for a boy. What would Mary think…What would Father Craven do if he found out… Gods above…”

He sighed once more and laid back, staring at the ceiling and fiddled with the apology note Kain had given him that was still in his pocket. “I like a guy… maybe… but what if it's all just me- His dad did like me though…” His blush deepened ever so slightly. “I feel like I can breathe around him though, I don't feel as dark as I do here… Gods above I hate this.”

Michael sighed again and closed his eyes, taking the chance to relax and eventually he drifted off to sleep once more. He had a dreamless sleep and Mary sat by his side for what time she could until the sun began to set on the day once more. He slept and healed for a full two days, Mary worrying by his bed side in the moments she could spare. Keir even stopped by, just once, his eyes were guilt heavy- they always were in moments like this but that never caused him to change his behaviour.

Eventually when Michael woke up again it’d been nearly four days, his wounds were not fully healed just yet but the aches and pains were almost gone. So with his back still wrapped in bandages, only slightly blood stained, he managed to pull on his shirt and robes and then hobbled back to his room sticking to the shadows and using what energy he had to pull the shadows closer around him.

Once Michael made it back to his room he slid down his door, the tears fell down his face- quietly but fiercely. He sat and cried, his knees pulled up to his chest for what seemed to be hours but was no more than 10 minutes before he gathered himself together once again still occasionally sniffling and changed into a pair of pyjamas and settled at his desk.

Kain. He’d write to Kain. Would that help? No? Maybe? He wasn't sure, all he knew was that Kain would be a good distraction instead of focusing on his pain. His sister was right about something, he needed to stop isolating, but he couldn't talk with her. He couldn’t break her spirits, not like that. Not like opening up to her would do.

And so he wrote. He wrote until he was out of words and his hand cramped- with several crumpled pages of words scattered across the floor, he continued to write until the words flowed perfectly. The writing swirled and was ever so elegant. He reread the words he wrote, blushing over them slightly, he sounded like a love sick pup who was too educated for his own good. Yet the writing helped him focus, it helped him distract himself from the pain he felt and the fact that he knew he'd have more scars to hide.

As he finished his letter he folded it into thirds and sealed it with a wax stamp and tied a small bow made out of twine around it. After that was finished he placed it into a drawer of his desk and then leaned back in his chair, with the distraction of writing no longer on his mind his thoughts grew darker and the shadows in his room twisted.

He started writing again only this time the words weren't sweet and his strokes were heavy handed. His anger flowed out as he wrote his time, and with each work, each mark of the ink the shadows around him grew until his eyes began to match and became a shadowy black, if you looked at an angle you could have sworn they were smoking.

His anger was almost blinding as he wrote about all the hurt he'd been through his entire life, it was dark and dangerous and he was dark and dangerous in this moment and that energy was radiating out even past his room. Slowly everyone nearby was beginning to feel it.

Yet Mary, the every joy filled and optimistic sister she was, walked right through those dark feelings and knocked on Michaels door. “Brother? I heard you had gotten released from the med bay today! May I enter?”

The stark contrast of Mary's voice and her voice compared to Michaels dark thoughts at the moment. The shadows around him flickered, his eyes stopped hazing out of a smokey form and his focus slowly came to again. “...Mary?” He collected his thoughts again moment by moment and soon he was the Michael the public knew- The Michael Mary knew. He took a breath and then shook his head, quickly throwing on a sweater. “Come on in Mary, I’m fine, just writing.”

At the allowance Mary walked through the door and the door that was once, just moments ago dark and dreary, lit up like on a spring morning.

“Michael!” Mary bound through the door a wide smile on her face and her tail wagging, pulling him in for a tight hug, not noticing the slight flinch the action caused in Michael. “Gods above Michael, you were found favoured upon to get well so quickly. How are you feeling, do you need anything? When can you be expected in your duties again, I have missed worshipping alongside you.”

Michael returned the hug, careful of his still healing wounds, but careful to not bring awareness of his pain to Mary and then pulled back and leaned into his chair. “I'm feeling alright Mary, thank you, I just needed a few days rest and after a night or so in my own bed I shall be back to my duties around the Cathedral not to worry yourself sister. “

“Oh! That's wondrous news brother! I cannot wait to kneel in prayer with you in the chapel again. It's been such a lonely week with you stuck in the nurse's office and now confined to your room. And what of Father Keir? Was he as understanding as I believed he’d be when you’d explained yourself, must you face any punishment on that end?”

Michael hummed softled and then began to clean up his desk to avoid looking towards his sister. “You were right, as you usually are Mary, Father craven took my words in stride and simply told me to be more aware of my actions and that I still have much to learn in how to act, that I still have much growing to do.”

Mary beamed and then clapped her hands happily. “I just knew it! Oh I just love it when everything works out perfectly. I shall see you at dinner, yes? Or would you rather something be brought to you?”

“I’ll be there, calm down Mary, I understand you've missed me but you don't need to worry anymore. I'm awake and I'm fine.”

“Fantastic! I’ll see you at dinner then… And yes I know I worry, but you're my brother I have to worry about you, you do the same and we both know it.” And with a playful ruffle of Michaels hair Mary headed out the door, leaving it open, and leaving him to his own devices once more.

[tropicalstrand017]

"UNTITLED"

BY: GIA

A whisper that takes me to the place that I never imagine I will be there. It takes just a word for me to open the door that seem to be the solution of all my grieve, all my pain, insecurities and hate.

Slowly I close my eyes, darkness is all I see, pain is all I feel, yet I am able to lift the corner of my lips and form a smile.

So strange of me , I feel a pain but I feel contentment. I smiled, yet, a tears is falling from my eyes down to my face. I feel cold yet a warm feeling is dominating in my body.

Seconds pass, the pain is is all I feel, the smile is no longer in my lips, the tears are all dried, pain is the only one left in me, just like the old times, everyone leave, everything is all mess, but pain is always there, when everyone leave. Pain never leave me, pain is all I have, pain is my dearest friend.

I feel hope in pain for I know , this pain will end my suffering , this pain will end my grieve, this pain will end everything, or will this pain can really end everything? Can this pain really the only choice left to me?

As doubt sunddenly arise in my self, everything that I taught suddenly became hazy. I suddenly feel the cold rush in my whole body. Suddey I can no longer feel my body as if I am in another world and my consciousnesses is all I have.

The pain that I see as my friend became unknown to me, it bacame stranger , this pain is not what I know, the pain I know is..is.. What is it again? I can no longer remeber.

I feel like i am slowly drown from the deep ocean. I can no longer breath properly as if someone is stealing my breath.

I feel like I want to struggle just to be able to bring back my breath but I suddenly remember , this is what I want from the beggining. This is the way to end everything. I should not waver for this I want.

Then suddenly I remember everything.

After I get home from school, as usual the there are no one in the house again, silent welcome and embraced me as I enter in the house. Loneliness , that what I have besides pain.

I enter my room and put my things in my bed, then I let my body fell in the bed. I closed my eyes and remember the things happen .

I saw Kate chatting and laughing to her friend. I just accidentally passing by to the corner where she and her friend chatting.

Whats the big deal of her chatting to a friend? Yeah what is a big deal? The deal is everyone leave me as always , she who I trusted that will never leave by my side , she who promise that will accept of who I am , she who I never think will betray me suddenly one day leave me in the dark and betray me, and now seeing her with a new friend and at the same time treat me as a stranger. When does this start? Why this happen to us? It all happen beacuse of her little trust of me , she believe more in the rumour than me.

she never treat me as what I treat her. I guess this is reality

Seddenly a tear flow to my cheeks , as I remember those things. Just when I am about to stand up to take a bath, a loud slam of a door and shouting voices from the living room stopping me to stand up.

Here we go again. Just a normal fight of my parents, shouting thier regrets to each other , blaming each other losses , Im tired of this . I quickly stand up and didnt care on what is happening there , I tried to intervene there fight in the past but what did I get? Insults. Saying that Im a worthless daughter that has nothing can do. Yeah how pitiful , a child just trying to stop her dear parents from fighting is a worthless child.

Before I get in the bathroom I take some look in the mirror. What I saw is teenage young girl who is not pretty, who has many flaws that can be seen on , her eyes no longer held a light and hope. It was my reflection who is tired of everyting.

' Do you want to be free from this cruel life that God's gave you?

A voice from my reflection in the mirror spoke. I didn't answer her. I just stared at her , the face I see before change now , she looks like me but with a pretty face that I dreamed. She look at me with her sweet smile that can make everyone smile. I ignore it and just walk away and enter the bathroom.

' You are worthless so why just give up? '

A voice that is same to the person in the mirror spoke. I can feel her in the back of my ear but I didn't bother to turn around to look.

' why just give give up everthing and end it easily? ' another voice from the girl who is standing beside the bath tub.

She look like my younger self. Shes wearing like my old uniform in elementary.

She's smiling bright that enough to ligthen up the darkness but I still didnt care. I started to walk toward to the bath tub and open the faucet, after the bath tub is full , I sit down in the bath tub hug my knees with both my arms. I close my eyes started to doze but someone interrupt . It was a whisper in tempting voice.

' Just give up Dear and let us help you to end everthing '

The innocent tempting voice says.

I slowly open my eyes, I see the girl in the mirror face close to mine, our body is close, she gently touch my face silently swiping the tears.

I just look at her blankly and said nothing. Her fingers slowly go down, from my jaw to neck , to my shoulder down to my arms and at last she stops in my hands.

Suddenly I feel her handing a cold sharp object out of nowhere. I look at my hands, sure it was a little knife.

I did not move just staring at the knife.

Feeling nothing. Until my arms suddenly move and put the little knife in my left wrist.

' lets end it together ' she said in a sweet tone.

Its the last words I hear before I cut my wrist with the knife she gave me. Not just a one cut but more, I cut it deeper . The pain, I like it, only through pain I will feel something, Cut! Cut! Dig the knife deeper in my skin. I feel a satisfaction through this pain. I can't control myself anymore, I can't put down the knife, blood keep rushing down from my wrist to the bathtub until the water in it turning red.

This is all I want..

This is the feeling...

' Yeah, this is all you want! This will end everything ' a voice from before speak again but I can no longer see her. I can no longer pay attention to her. my mind starting to lose. My body starting to lose it strength, and I weakly lay in the bath tub full of blood.

I feel sleepy, I feel like drowning , I started to catch up my breath. Its suffocating. Im sleepy.

Minutes pass doubt started to rise in my hazy thought. And the feeling of being drown retrogate. Now I know why it so hard, the owner of the voices before is struggling on me just to kept me unbreath

This is really my end?..

But when just everything became dark, another voice speak and it is different from before.

' Is this what you truly desire? To die without fighting? Is giving up really the only choice?

You know in your heart that its not. Pain is no longer your friend when you started to run away from it. Pain will always there. You say that you only have pain while in reality you never accepted pain.

You want other to accept you but you never accept yourself, you want other to listen to you

but did you try to listen to other first?

You want other to understand you, but is it really important for others to understand you.

If you are really tired then lets just rest for a bit. okay? Then will be okay again.

Can we just don't mind other people?

Can we live not because other will want our existence or will our life be worth it to other and be matter to other. Just live because we want to. Not by others demand but by ourselves."

The crying voice said, trying to convince me. Trying to keep me alive.

I want to cry but I dont know if I can . I cant see the owner of the voice in the darkness but what I see is tiny bit of light.

Yes. Yes . Yes!!!!!! I want to live, I dont want to give up , If nobody help me, then I myself will fight for myself. Stand with my own feet. If nobody understand me, Then its fine as long As I understand myself.

Its Fine, even others wil leave, I have myself. I don't want to lose it, this is all what left me.

I started to lose my conscious, I cant keep awake...But I have to...

I don't know anymore ...

"GEM!!!! "

A loud familiar voice calling my name, the worried voice of my mother, its been so long I hear her call me with that tone.

That is the last word I hear..

And total darknes cover me....

[loserforeddie]

Shot In The Dark Part 2 (Male/GN)

Hi! im so sorry this male/gn version took me so long! I really hope y’all like it!

Summary: When the popular good-grade student start to talk to Eddie Munson, he thinks it’s too good to be true. They become quick friends, but when y/n asks him out, learns that it was too good to be true...

Part Two of Shot In The Dark 

Warnings: angsty but turns to fluff, SUGGESTIVE AT THE END, Eddie sucks on some nipples- but nothing too hardcore, making out, grinding.

Thank you to everyone who loved this series :) I'm beyond thankful!

I'm so sorry for any spelling mistakes-

Male/gn version

Word count: 6k

. .  .

Eddie refused to leave his room for the next two days. Deciding instead, to get high in his room and forget about everything that happened between you and him.

The whole ordeal just felt too painful, too fresh in his mind.

Being the town freak, he knew he had a reputation. He knew that he was always going to be treated differently. And for the most part, he was okay with that.

He was okay being the outcast, being the weirdo that no one wanted to get too close to. He didn't mind it, because he just wanted to be himself. He didn't want to conform to what society wanted him to be. 

The only thing he wanted was to be who he was. 

But that day, that day in the parking lot. That made him rethink his entire stance.

He hated the fact that someone so random could make him feel like this, that some person who he had rarely talked to before a few months ago, could make him feel this shity.

He hated how, for once, just for an instant, he thought maybe he had a chance to have that stupid high school romance.

Eddie Munson was never one to search out any romantic partners. It was futile. No one wanted to be seen with the town freak. And he was too busy anyway.

Or at least, that's what he told himself.

Truth be told, he was kind of lonely. As much as he loved his bandmates, his DND group, and even his uncle, he wanted something more. Something deeper.

And for a moment, he thought he found that, with you.

But he supposed he was just being an idiot. Why the hell would you ever want to be with him? When you were…you.

So, here he was, in his bed staring up at the ceiling. High out of his mind.

He groaned, swinging his arm over his eyes, wanting to block out the world from his own mind.

He heard a knock at his door, and he groaned as Wayne let himself in.

“You doing all right there, kiddo?”

Wayne had started to notice the difference in Eddie’s demeanor. When he came home that night after you had asked him out, he noticed how Eddie was quieter, and a sullen expression was written all over his face.

Wayne didn't ask any questions, though, which was something that Eddie loved about his uncle. They had a silent agreement that when things got too rough for either one of them, the other one didn’t bring it up.

 But Eddie could tell that he was worrying his uncle, and a part of him felt bad.

 However, the other part of him just couldn't seem to care. Just about anything. He felt numb to anything else around him.

 But Eddie sighed, “Yeah, just not feeling great right now.”

Wayne nodded, saying nothing.

“Well… let me know if you need anything, alright?”

Eddie just nodded and listened to his uncle's footsteps as he left.

He knew, sooner or later, he was going to have to come out of his shell, he knew sooner or later he was going to have to face you again. To watch your judgmental eyes bare into his, feeling his soul being crushed under your weight. He just couldn’t bare it.

Your face, laughing at him along with your friends, made him want to sink down into his bed and do absolutely nothing for eternity.

. . .

When Wayne had finally decided that Eddie needed to go back to school, he knew he wasn’t ready.

The whole drive in his van, all he could think about was how pitiful he would probably look in front of everyone. 

And then he realized, his friends would ask him what happened to him. Why he just fell off the face of the planet for a few days.

He bit his lip as he tried to think of an excuse. 

“Just had a bad trip, Rick gave me some bad weed man, had to stay home.” Yeah, that sounded believable.

But little did he know, most of the school had already heard about what happened with him and you. Much to his dismay.

“Was it really true? You really turned down Y/N?”

Eddie grimaced at the mention of your name, “No, it was all a fucking joke, Gareth. Y/N didn’t actually want to go out with me, it was some stupid dare.”

But Gareth wasn’t convinced, “Are you sure? Y/N’s really not the type to do something like that.”

Eddie grumbled something under his breath and Jeff whispered to Gareth, “Dude, drop it.”

Suddenly, one of his little sheep pipped up, “Uh, Eddie? Maybe this is stupid- but my sister knows Y/N. They have P.E together. And she said that Y/N hasn’t come to school for the last few days.” Mike Wheeler said.

Eddie raised an eyebrow, “Yeah, well, I cussed ‘em out pretty good when I found out. Y/N probably just didn’t want to show his face around here.” Eddie finished his sentence with a growl.

The boys took the hint and decided to change the subject. 

But still, Eddie couldn’t get you out of his god damn head. 

As the boys spoke to one another, his mind was elsewhere. He hated how he had talked to you when he last saw you. A twinge of regret ignited in the pit of his stomach. Even if it was some stupid dare, he still knew that he still cared about you.

However, he looked back at all the events that lead up to the parking lot. It had him thinking, was it all a dare? Even you helping him study? Even you walking into his favorite record shop? Even you coming to see his band? Was that really all coincidence? Or was that, too, part of some soul crushing dare?

If so, he had applauded your commitment. 

He just couldn't stop thinking about the way your eyes shone with genuine tears. As if you were actually hurt about him turning you down. But he tried his best to convince himself that those tears were merely due to the fact that he had screamed at you in front of the whole parking lot.

A part of him regretted it, he wished he would have talked to you in a more calm demeanor. But he didn't, and now he felt the guilt rising up to his throat.

Why the hell should he care this much? You where the one who had pulled a stupid prank on him, obvousily he was going to be upset.

He had to remind himself of that fact everytime he felt guilty, trying his best to just move on already-

He was grumbling to himself, picking off the salt on the prezels he packed for his lunch, when two cheerleaders walked up behind him.

They both stared down at him, crossing their arms.

“You know,” the brunette one said, startling him, “what you did to Y/N was totally uncalled for.”

The other, a blonde, nodded, “Yeah, the name calling was just a dick move. You could have just said no and moved on.”

Eddie raised a brow, “First, Y/N started it by asking me out as a fucking joke. Secondly, I could care less.”

The first cheerleader arched her brow, “Asked you out as a joke? What are you talking about? Y/N never makes fun of anyone.”

But Eddie rolled his eyes, “Save it, ladies. I saw Y/N friends laughing and pointing at me as he asked me out. And believe me, I’ve been asked out as a joke before, and that’s usually how it goes.”

The other one, the blonde, gaped at him, “Oh my god- you really thought Y/N was joking. No! Oh my- Jesus christ.”

The two cheerleaders looked at eachother before shaking their heads. 

“You’re so stupid,” the first one said rolling her eyes.

“Seriously. Y/N would only ever talk about you. Since like, last year. When you guys had english together. All Y/N would talk about was how funny you where, making ‘em laugh. And then when Y/N finally worked up the courage to ask you out, you went and yelled your god damn head off. You really need to take a hint.”

“Yeah,” the blonde one said, “to be honest Y/N all but stalked you, really. he knew what days your band played at the hideout, and what your favorite song was. Hell, Y/N even knew that your least favorite class was, which was O’Donelle’s.”

Eddie’s eye’s where blown wide in disbelief. He felt his heart beating wildly in his chest as he tried to concentrate on what these girls had just told him. 

You, had really actually tried to ask him out? Not as a joke? 

Oh my god, was he fucking stupid.

. . . 

As soon as the next period started, he was already inside his van. 

He really could give two shits about skipping, this was more imprortant.

His palms were sweaty, and his breathing was so irregular he swore he thought he was going to faint.

He turned on his van quickly, hands shaking with the key in the ignition. 

You, someone he had no chance with, had genuinely been trying to ask him out? The someone he was so fucking enamored with he lost sleep over? The someone who he thought he wasn’t good enough for, had been actually trying to ask him out?

He felt like such an idiot. 

The whole ride to your house, he felt his hands shake beneath the steering wheel. his eyes were glued to the road, but his mind wandered elsewhere.

What was he even supposed to say to you? What was he supposed to do?

He bit his lip, trying his best to keep his thoughts in. 

When he pulled into your driveway, he breathed a sigh of relief seeing that no cars parked outside. Meaning, that hopefully, your parents weren’t home. 

He turned off the engine, silently watching his hands shake on the wheel.

When he finally stepped out of the van, it was as if his body moved on it’s own, his legs carried him to your door.

He could feel the sweat accumulate on his hands, and his legs felt like pure jelly.

His throat felt so tight, and he suddenly realized he had no idea what he was going to say to you.

Was he supposed to apologize? Supposed to beg for forgiveness and admit his feelings for you too?

He scoffed at himself. Yeah, like that would work.

He couldn't even be upset if you were mad at him, he would be mad at himself too.

He felt a strong punch to his gut as he remembered the horrible things he said to you. Remembering your face, you're beautiful, ethereal face. He remembered your eyes, scrunching up in pain as he said those terrible things about you.

He wanted to run away, at that exact moment he wanted to run. He hated how he treated you, and how he basically ruined something that could have been so magical.

He swore under his breath.

“’Should just go,” he said, “Y/N  probably doesn't want to see me anyways. It's just better if I-”

But he stopped in his tracks, watching as the door flung open.

And there you stood, hair disheveled, your eyes look puffy and red, and you were dressed in an oversized shirt and shorts.

Your face was shaped in annoyance, with a hint of anger.

“Are you just planning to stand outside my house all day, Munson? Waiting to yell at me again?”

 He winced at the anger in your voice, although it was well deserved, it still made him feel like shit.

“N-no! I…I came here to…say I’m sorry…”

You stayed silent, watching his face.

And all of asuden, it all spilled out.

“I said some really… shitty things. None of which I meant, I really shouldn't have said all that. You didn't deserve it, really, you're sweet and kind, and considerate of other people. You've always been nice to me, and I mean, people aren't nice to me. I shouldn’t have said that to you, I just thought… I thought it was all a joke, seeing your friends, and seeing them laugh at me. It's just… I never thought that someone like you could actually like me… because… because I really like you. and I know I fucked up my chances, and I know I ruined everything. And I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry I'm a fucked up dick, you don't deserve that. I just… I just hope you're okay. Don't let a dick like me are you down, Y/N. I was just a stupid jerk, and I'm really sorry. I don’t-I don’t want you to forgive me, because I understand why you’d be so upset, you have every right to be. I just wanna do something, to make up for it, y’know? Anything, Y/N, I just want you to know I’m sorry.” 

He fidgeted nervously with his rings, feeling his stomach twist up in nerves. 

You stared at him, your eyes sharp and poised. 

“Do you mean it?” Your voice was shaky.

“About being sorry? Of course, Y/N, I’m so sor-”

But you cut him off, “No…no about-about liking me.”

He sucked in a heavy breath, bitting down on his lip before responding. “Y-yeah….yeah, I really like you, Y/N.”

You stayed silent for a minute. 

“I’m sorry Eddie…I don’t-I don’t know what to think. I…I really like you, a lot. But what you said, it really hurt-”

Eddie interrupted you, “I know! I…I know,” he stared into your eyes, gulping down the lump in his throat. 

“I know. And I’ll do anything, anything to show how sorry I am. Really, Y/N, please tell me what I can do.”

You bit your lip, “I…I don’t know. Eddie, I think you should leave.”

At your words, Eddie could have sworn his heart broke, his stomach dropped at your words. He could even feel tears well up in his eyes, but he blinked them away. 

He wanted badly to get on his knees, beg you to let him do something, anything, to make it up to you. The thought that he made you feel this way, made him feel so shitty he was going partly insane. 

But, he wanted to give you what you asked. 

“Yeah…yeah, I understand…just- if you need me, I’ll be here.”

You nodded, and he could see a small tear drip down your cheek. 

“Goodbye, Eddie.”

. . .

Three days past since he went to your house. And it hasn’t been easy on him. 

Every day, he racked his brain for any ideas about how he could make it up to you. To show you how he was, truly sorry. 

But no matter what, he couldn’t think of anything.

He had been continuously sullen for the last few days, and his club mates had begun to notice. 

“Eddie?” Gareth asked, “You ok man?”

Eddie nodded, munching quietly on his pretzels. 

Dustin shook his head, “He’s still upset about the whole Y/N thing. And the fact that Y/N just came back yesterday.”

“Yeah,” Mike said, “he’s having relationship problems.”

Eddie flung one of his pretzels at Mike, causing him to shut up.

“One more word, Wheeler, and you’ll regret the day you were born.”

It was an empty threat, and the boys knew it. But the depression in Eddie’s voice still made them uneasy. 

“Did you try apologizing?” Jeff asked. 

Eddie barked out a dry laugh, “Of course I did!”

He sighed, “But Y/N just turned me away, saying that I need to give ‘em space. Which yeah, I understand, but…I don’t know, I just wanna show how sorry I am.”

Gareth shook his head, “Na man, you gotta give Y/N space, it’s only fair.”

Eddie let out an exasperated sigh, “No shit, Gareth. But how do I then prove that I’m really sorry?”

The table fell silent.

“Well…” Dustin said, “maybe a romantic gesture? To show how sorry you are? I mean like, maybe you ask Y/N instead, but make it really romantic like.”

Eddie stared at the boy, mulling over his words.

Untill, suddenly, and Idea hit him. He smiled at the boy, “Henderson, you’re my new favorite freshman.”

. . . 

Eddie had very low patience, so waiting for you was killing him. 

But still, he knew he owed you this much.

He waited a few more days, but his heart still pulled when ever he saw you drifting down the hallways.

His stomach would drop as soon as he saw your face, however. Your sunen eyes and tired expression just making him feel worse. 

But, he had a plan now.

He knew you stayed late at school fridays, usually studying or finishing up homework. 

He decided to wait for you, outside the library. His hands twitching with anticipation.

When you finally came out, you nearly fell back when you saw Eddie’s face. 

“Wow!” Eddie said, surging forward to grab you. “Jesus Christ, Y/N, I didn’t mean to give you a heart attack,” Eddie said, chuckling to himself.

But you just gave him a pout, “What are you doing here, Munson?”

He couldn’t help but let out a small wince at the use of his last name. Your tone sharp, stabbing him through his heart. 

Nevertheless, he stood his ground, “I’m here to show you that I’m seriously sorry.”

You rolled your eyes, “Ok. And how are you going to do that? Wait for me like some pervy stalker?”

You crossed your arms over your chest, and he couldn’t help but think about how cute you where when you got mad.

He had to stifle a laugh as you furrowed your brows in an attempt at a scowl. An adorable pout on your face.

But he composed himself, “No, just…just let me take you out.” 

You raised an eyebrow at him, “Didn’t I tell you to leave me alone?”

He nodded, “You did. And I waited. But…but I really do want to show you how sorry I am.”

At his confession, your eyes softened. You bit you lip, hesitaint, “If I say yes, to you taking me out, then what?”

Eddie chuckled, “Then I take you out on a date, sweetheart.”

To his delight, your cute pout made a return.

He laughed, “I’ll take you on an amazing date, to make up for what I did. I really do want to make it up to you, Y/N. And if you say yes, than I promise to make it worth your while.”

You looked into his eye’s, heart beating out of your chest, “Alright, Munson…I’ll hold you to that.”

. . . 

When Eddie had said he was taking you to Lover’s Lake, you rolled your eyes. 

“The makeout spot, Munson? Really? Sorry to burst your bubble, but I’m not someone who’s particulary intrested in fooling around on the first date.”

He laughed at that, “No no, we’re not doing anything like that, sweetheart. At least not yet anyway.”

You pinched his leg.

“Ouch! Hey I’m driving here!”

You giggled, but your eye’s became hard, “I still…haven’t really forgiven you yet. What you did… that really hurt.”

Eddie bit the inside of his cheek to keep from whimpering, “I know, really I do. Belive me, you have every right to be upset. But Y/N, I want you to know that I really do like you. Like a lot. It’s kind of embarressing actually.”

He laughed akwardly as you stared at him.

“When did you realize you liked me?”

You asked the question so seriouly, it took him aback.

“U-uh, well. I think…when you were walking down the hallway, it was a few weeks after we talked at the libray, and after we saw eachother at the record shop. You where laughing at something one of the cheerleaders…or maybe it was one of the basketball players? But, whoever it was, they made a joke and your laugh, jesus. I felt my entire world drop, like nothing could match that feeling of knowing I liked you. And your face, it was just so pretty. Your laugh too, god I felt my knees buckle. And…and then I got mad. Well, I got jealous. Jealous because I wasn’t the one making you laugh. Jealous it wasn’t me you were walking with in the hall. And then I realized…I was so into you it made me go partly insane.”

The awkward silence almost killed him, he anxiously tapped his fingers against the steering wheel.

But before he could say anything else, you spoke.

“Last year, we had Mrs. Clicks english class together. You would always come in late, even though it was the last period of the day. But still, you’d walk in like you owned the place, a goofy smile on your face. And…and I felt like I had to hate you. Like I had to conform to what my firends told me about you. But then I noticed how…genuine you where. You did what you wanted, you were yourself. You didn’t live up to anyone expectations because you made your own expectations.”

You took in a long breath, “Then one day, when Heather, the cheer captain, told me…some nasty things. I came into Mrs. Clicks class with tear stains running down my cheeks. No one asked if I was ok, no one cared. But, when you walked in, you saw me. And after class you asked if I was ok. And then…you gave me this,” and you pulled something out of your pocket.

His bandana. 

His eyes went wide. Oh god, he didn’t even remeber that till you brought it up.

You smiled, “You don’t even really remeber that, do you?”

He laughed, “No…not really. Sorry, I just thought I was helping out some poor guy.”

You smiled, “I know, that’s why I liked you, because you where just so natural. So naturally sweet, funny, charasmatic. You where just naturally you.”

His hand gripped the steering wheel tightly. He tired his absolute hardest to not show how much your words had just flustered him.

“I heared…I heared about the things that Heather said to you. So when I saw how upset you where, I don’t know, it struck a cord with me,” he thought back to that day, remembering it suddenly. 

“You…you thanked me for the bandana and then you whipped your tears from your face. You where upset because you felt bad but Mrs. Click didn’t have any tissues. So I gave it to you.”

You smiled, “You told me, ‘You can keep it, it sucks seeing someone cry over someone’s stupid opinoin.’”

“Yeah, well…socitey’s shit so might as well just be yourself right?”

You giggled, “Right.”

“Every since then I’ve kept it. It’s actually kinda embarrassing. But that’s when I knew I liked you. I was to nervouse to do anything about it, though. You where just so cool, and of course I was so stupid that I didn’t even say anything to you till a year later.”

You giggled, your eye’s fluttering over to his.

God, what where you doing to him?

. . .

When you finally got to Lovers Lake, Eddie was almost busiling with nerves. 

“So, Munson, what exactly are we doing here?”

Eddie gulped down the lump in his throat, “I-um- I had…I had dinner planned for us.”

You raised an eyebrow, “What? Are we gathering berries and nuts?”

He dug the heel of his boot into the dirt below him, “No…I have takeout. It’s from Enzo’s though, real fancy.”

Your eye’s widened, your mouth gaping at him, “Eddie! That place is expensive! Even for takeout!”

Eddie nodded, “Yeah well, I told you I’d make it up to you.”

You shook your head, “You’re making it to hard to be mad at you.”

He smiled triumphinly, “Isn’t that the whole point, sweetness? To make you forgive me?”

You rolled your eye’s, but he didn’t miss your playful smile.

The night became one filled with laughter, even after finishing dinner, you two still talked till late into the night. First, you two had dinner, which then spun into you two talking for hours.

You laughed at Eddie, “You’re telling me, that you where the one who left those mock love letters in Mr. Hansons desk? Oh my god you’re a maniac.”

But Eddie just shrugged, “It was real easy too, I think he even thought it was Ms. Kelly sending him those. Oh my god, the look on his face when he realized it was a student, priceless!”

You both laughed, and you felt you cheeks start to hurt from all the smiling you where doing.

At first, you had tried to play hard, not giving him the satisfaction of forgiving him just yet. But, Eddie had so much natural charisma, and was so naturally funny, it made it hard to stay so mad at him.

Not to mention, he was so nice to look at-

“What can I say? I have a way with words I suppose,” Eddie said, shrugging.

You giggled, “Your confidence amazes me, Munson.”

He smilled at you, “Well, I try.”

You smiled back at him. The whole night had been so amazing. 

Then, Eddie had shown you the stars, and intrestingly, he knew a lot of the constellation and told you all about each one he knew.

You both laid on your backs, on top of the grass, as you peered up into the night sky. You could hear Shot In The Dark by Ozzy Osbourne playing quitely in his van.

“And then that’s the big dipper, that one is the little dipper. And I think…yeah that’s Orion's belt. See, those three there make a belt kinda shape.”

You stared into his eye’s, making him laugh, “Sweetness, you’re gonna miss the stars if you keep looking at me.”

You bit your lip, “I can see the stars just fine. Your eyes reflect them. And I think you’re more intresting to stare at then the stars.”

He felt his face become hot, your words taking him off guard.

“O-oh. Thank’s…”

Thanks?! Come on he had to say something more than that!

“But, I think you’re much more intresting, sweetness.”

His eyes looked back into your, as you broke into a soft smile, your eye’s shining in the moonlight.

Oh god, he felt like he couldn’t breath. 

“Thank you, Eddie. For everything. I really appreciate it. No one… no one’s even done something like this for me. Thank you.”

Eddie’s mouth fell open, trying despratly to find something to say.

“I…well, I really wanted to make up for how I acted, sweetheart. You didn’t deserve that. And- and you don’t need to thank me, I wanted to take you out here. I’ve been thinking about it for a while, actually.”

You raised an eyebrow, “What do you mean, for a while?”

He saw a small smirk form on your lips, and he began nervously playing with the rings on his fingers.

“Well…I mean, ever since I realized I liked you, I’ve been thinking about where I would take you on our first date. At first, I thought maybe a picnic, but then I thought that’d be way to messy, plus I have no Idea how to cook.”

You laughed, scooting closer to him.

“And then I thought, maybe Enzo’s. But then I realized I have very little money and very very little nice clothing for somewhere like Enzo’s.”

Eddie’s face was a few inches from yours now, “And then, at lunch a few days ago, one of the freshman I know said that I should do something romatic for you, something to show you how I was, truely sorry. And then I thought, ‘what’s more romatic then dinner under the stars?’ So…yeah, here we are.”

You smilled, your head leaning in closer. So close, in fact, he could feel your breath against his face.

“Eddie…that means so much, I’m glad,” you said, smiling.

For a moment, you both lay there, still. Eddie perring into your eyes.

He saw, quickly, how your eyes flitted down onto his lips, until going back to his eyes.

“Eddie…” you said, slowly.

Before you could say anything else, he spoke quickly, “Can I kiss you?”

You smiled shyly. And nodded. 

And his lips where on yours.

You tasted…perfect. So soft, so amazing. 

Eddie almost creamed his pants when you moaned into his mouth, a shaky hand coming up to grasp his hair.

His hands came up to cradle your face, as if it was the most delicate thing in the world. 

He groaned into your mouth as he felt you tug softly against his hair, the kiss slowly becoming messier and messier. 

He had to push you away so he wouldn’t do anything to valgur.

You where out of breath, your lips swollen. You had never looked prettier.

“I forgive you…by the way.”

He smiled, a goofy, happy smile, “I’m glad.”

You smiled, tucking a strand of hair behind his ear. 

You two stayed like that, still and in the moment. Staring into eachothers eyes, and smiling like idiots. 

“Can I…do that again? You’re a nice kisser.”

Eddie could all but laugh, “Sweetheart, you don’t even need to ask.”

Your lips colided with his, but this kiss was much diffrent than the first. Much more heated, more passionate. 

And Eddie felt the blood rush straight to his dick when he felt you minover your way onto his lap.

His hands fell to your hips, fingers only touching you lightly, afraid he might scare you off.

But the moans you let out, oh god. His head felt fuzzy.

When you broke away, he was sure that would be the end of it. But he felt your lips trail down his neck, sucking lightly against his throat.

“Eddie?” You voice was quite as you spoke, “Is this alright?”

Eddie had stoped working, his mind blank as your hips grinded against his. 

“Oh god-sweetness it’s more than alright,” he moaned loudly as you nipped his pulse point. “B-but Y/N you might have to get off soon. Don’t know how- how long I can hold off.”

“Hold off on what, Eds?”

Your voice was playful, down right seductive.

He never would have imagined, you being this forward-

His hands grasped your shirt, playing with the hem of it.

“Why don’t I take you out to dinner first, Y/N? Than after, we can have all the fun we want,” he said, winking.

You moved away from his neck, arcing a brow, “Didn’t you already take me out to dinner? I mean, I consider this a dinner, don’t you?”

You batted your lashes sweetly, a small pout forming at your lips.

And he couldn’t stop himself from using his teeth to bite down gently on it. Urning a suprise yelp from you, which quickly turned into a moan.

He couldn’t help it, you just looked so…delicious.

“Sweetness, weren’t you the one who said you didn’t fool around on the first date?”

You giggled, “I don’t. But that’s mostly because I don’t go out with many guys.”

He raised an eyebrow, “I find that very hard to believe.”

“It’s true! Well…it’s mostly because I’ved like this one guy for like, a whole year now. So I just had to keep turning down other guys. Took me a whole year to ask him out.”

Eddie chuckled, “Yeah? He must be a lucky guy, than.”

You smiled, “I think I’m the lucky one.”

He smiled up at you, the moonlight beaming off your skin.

“Y/N…I need to know. Do you want to stop right now? Because I don’t want to do anything that makes you uncomfortable.”

You looked away from him, you squirming in his lap, “I mean…I don’t wanna go all the way- especially because this is, like, our first date. Just…just wanna…”

You looked everywhere but his eye’s, and Eddie raised a brow at your shyness.

“What, is someone getting soft on me now? You’re adorable.”

His hands slowly inched their way to your thighs, and he kneaded them softly. Earning him a small whimper from you.

“I just…wanna do something nice.”

His lips where back on yours without another word. Nipping against your bottom lip, sucking againt it. 

Your hands cradled his face so delicately, and Eddie could swear he felt himself melt. 

His hands still held onto your thighs, but slowly moved up. Making sure to stop at your upper thighs, not wanted to go any farther than what you wanted. 

You moaned into the kiss as Eddie slipped in his tongue. His hands squeezing your flesh as he found his jeans straining.

You must have felt it, too, because he felt your hips buckle down against him. 

His eye’s rolled back as he felt you desperately wriggle against him, looking for any friction you could. 

He moved from your mouth, making you wine as he did so. Until his mouth connected with your neck, kissing and sucking on it gently, leaving a few marks.

God, the idea of marking you up- if his pants weren’t straining before, they definitely where now.

“Eddie!”

The high-pitched moan you let out made him go down further, till his mouth found the buttons of your blouse. 

He growled, a some-what primal urge struck him as he ripped off the top button with his teeth.

“God, Eddie! Holy shit…”

His eye’s went back up to yours, “Sorry sweetness. This alright? We can stop now if you want.”

He was so lost in thought, he forgot that he had wanted to be gentle with you. This was only the first date.

But you nodded veimitly, “Please, Eddie. Want…want to feel you.”

He couldn’t help but groan at your words, he looked back into your eye’s, searching carefully to make sure this was ok.

You gave him a small nod, bitting down on your lip.

He smiled, looking up at you as he used his teeth to rip off the other buttons. Till your bear chest was exposed, your nipples hardening as the cold wind blow against them.

Eddie could almost feel himself droll.

Eddie easily tore off the rest of your shirt, leaving you a whiny mess.

“Eddie,” you moaned, “your turn.”

Eddie smirked, “Alright sweetness.”

He didn’t waste any time before ripping his jacket off, as well as his shirt underneath.

Your hands immediately went to his chest, your hands feeling up any spot you could reach, and your lips attaching themselves to his skin.

“God, Y/N. shit,” he swore under his breath, your touch addicting. 

“Eddie…” your hips rocked against his, begging slightly.

“Oh god,” he whimpered out slowly.

He couldn’t help it, his hips thrusted up to meet your slow grind. And he felt his eye’s roll back.

“Eddie,” you moaned right in his ear, and he swore he almost passed out. 

At that, his mouth began a trail of kisses down the right side of your chest, his tongue swirling against your nipple.

His other hand teasing you, cupping your ass to make you grind on him more. 

He swore, the high moan you let out made him see starts. And your hips grinding down on his, made him feel so goddamn lightheaded.

He switched over, his lips leaving a trail of kisses as he gave the same attention to your left side. 

You two stayed like that, till your chest was all marked up and littered with love bites.

“Sweetness…as much as I would love to continue this, we should really get you home…” he said, a glint of disappointment in his voice.

You pouted, “But-”

“No but’s, Y/N, it’s almost morning, I gotta get you home.”

“But… I didn’t do anything for you.”

He smiled, “Then, for our next date, you’ll just have to owe me.”

You grinned, “Next date? You’re cute, Munson. What time? I was thinking…today, six-thirty? You pick me up?”

You fluttered your lashes, and he laughed, “Y/N,” he said, buttoning back up your blouse, “You have no Idea what you do to me.”

. . .

[kyovtani]

𝐛𝐚𝐜𝐤 𝐭𝐨 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞 – 𝐤𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐢 𝐤𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐨𝐮 (𝟐)

— pairing: Kyoutani Kentarou x female Reader

— genre: smut, angst, little bit of fluff to keep the balance; tattoo artist!kyoutani, inexperienced!reader, strangers to lovers!AU, SLOW BURN

— word count: 9.6k

— warnings: swearing, mentions of infidelity and violence, as well as the consumption of drugs and alcohol; smut: corruption kink, degradation and dumbification, dacryphilia, praising, spitting, (soft) dom!kyou, oral (m. receiving), fingering, dry humping, unprotected sex (dont do that kids), impreg kink, iwaoi say hi-

— (A/N: and here’s part two! thank you SO much for all the love you sent my way after i published the first part. ngl i was a little nervous bc i thought it was boring and not interesting at all but you guys easily pushed me out of that hole so thank you for everything. i love and appreciate you with my whole heart. all the love, zade xx)

[ part one ]

— summary: after fucking up, you make it your mission to get him back..(im so bad at this pls just- okay.)

"He's not picking up, Hana", you say, another soft cry falling from your lips before you bury your face in your pillow.

“Once in my fucking life a guy treats me good and the way I've always wanted to be treated and I had to fuck it up. Why the fuck am I like this, Hana? Why can I not enjoy one fucking good thing in my fucking mediocre life", the profanities keep coming just like the tears and the amount of frustration and anger rushing through your veins is nowhere near normal anymore.

"Calm down, love", Hana sighs and makes you sit up so she can look into your tear stained face as she tries her best to make sure her words actually find their way to your pain clouded mind, "at this point you shouldn't worry too much because you do know Kyoutani, don't you? He does lose his temper a lot, so give him the time he needs and then you'll show up at his doorstep, suck his cock and make up with him, yeah?", she explains calmly.

"If this hurts you so much, why the fuck did you even say he's just a friend, Y/N? I really don't understand", Hana mumbles and lets out another sigh, her hands caressing yours softly, managing to calm you down a little bit.

“You're right, I should just– give him some time and things will eventually fall into place", you reply after crying a little more and with an encouraging smile your best friend nods at you before she suggests a movie marathon to which you happily agree.

At least something to distract you from all the demons inside your head.

After changing into your pj's and doing your night time routine, you plop down onto the couch next to your bestie again, her eyes focused on the phone in her hand and knowing she's probably either sexting or inviting her new boyfriend has you shrugging at her lack of attention as you start looking for a good movie to begin the night with.

However, just when you're about to read the description of some kind of french rom-com, Hana puts her phone back into her lap and starts staring at you with her pretty eyes widened in shock.

"What's wrong?", you ask and turn to look at her, reaching for her hands but before you even get the chance to touch her, Hana unlocks her phone and holds it up for you to watch someone's instagram story.

The video begins with loud music, a crowd full of young college students whose faces definitely are familiar.

Everyone in the video is dancing, making out, smoking and just chatting in a random living room and every now and then there's someone yelling in the back – a typical college party.

However, just as the video is about to end, the camera shifts to a tall male leaning against the wall, obviously standing really close to the person who's filming and it takes you a full blown thirty seconds to realize who said male is.

Kyoutani Kentarou.

You stare at the phone for another minute, your throat dry and your head empty as a thick veil of tears slowly starts blurring your sight before you finally decide to pay attention to the username.

"He can't be fucking serious", you hiss, fisting the blanket beneath you, the urge to punch something or someone becoming unbearable, "what the fuck is he doing at a random college party with – Sora?"

"Y/N, don't–", "Whose party is that?", you interrupt your best friend, not giving a single fuck about her attempts to calm you down; not anymore. Hana gulps harshly and strictly avoids your gaze as she mumbles a name and you roll your eyes, asking her to speak up with an annoyed sigh.

"It's one of Yuuji’s frat parties", and as soon as your best friend says the name of your ex-boyfriend, a cold shiver of disgust runs down your spine and you can feel yourself getting lightheaded from all the emotions rushing through your overwhelmed body.

"Don't follow me if you're going to stop me from leaving, Hana", you say and stand up before quickly disappearing inside your room.

You have no idea how you manage to get dressed, your outfit consisting of a pair of jeans and a hoodie you can't even remember buying and you don't even wanna think about what your hair and face look like when you end up leaving the house with your keys and your phone.

After driving this route for over two years on an almost daily basis, it takes you less than ten minutes to arrive in front of the huge house your ex-boyfriend lives in.

The memories start finding their way back into your head way too fast, taking away your breath and numbing your whole body because even if you didn’t love Yuuji anymore, the bitter feeling of betrayal still manages to hit you in just the right way.

It takes you a lot of willpower to actually approach the house and eventually get in. And after being in between the crowds of drunk, stinky college students, you remember why you hate college parties so much.

"I – Wow”, a familiar voice manages to break through the loud music, your instant reaction just an annoyed eye roll, “you were the last person I expected to see at one of our frat parties", Yuuji says and comes to stand in front of you.

His blonde hair messily falling into his handsome face and from the way his whole face seems to be covered in the deepest shade of red – including his eyes – you know that he's probably higher than the stars and you can't help but sigh.

"I'm not here to party, Yuuji", you hiss, feeling the anger crawl up your spine again the longer you look at your ex, "my boyfriend is here and I have to talk to him."

"So you and that tattooed guy are actually a thing? Didn't think so since he, you know – showed up with another girl", Terushima mumbles and pulls out a cigarette from his pocket, a mischievous smile on his lips.

"Oh, shut the fuck up, Yuuji", you spit back and roll your eyes, taking in the way the pretty boy arches his brows up in pure shock at your rather new attitude, "go and get high or whatever you do to feel proud of yourself", are the last words you say to him before you walk away, your heart thrumming inside your throat.

Your eyes roam the huge crowd, desperately searching for the only face you wanna look at right now and you try to remember where they were standing in the video Sora had posted only to realize that you can't remember.

After all you only watched the video once, your whole attention laying on Kyoutani. And after almost fifteen minutes, you find yourself slowly giving up.

Maybe this was just not meant to happen or maybe Kyoutani has left already.

He probably left with Sora- something you can’t and won’t ever blame him for.

After all she's literally one of the prettiest and hottest girls you have ever seen – anyone who rejects her would be out of their mind (or not attracted to girls which isn't the case when it comes to Kyoutani).

You give it another ten minutes of desperately looking around before you let out a deep sigh which gets lost in the loudness and thick air of the party before you finally start making your way back to the front door.

You quickly walk back to your car, trying your best to ignore everyone around you, especially all the drunk guys who are currently about to get into a verbal fight over something totally random and the last thing you want to experience those threats becoming reality.

At some point you're scared they might even include you which is probably why you end up literally sprinting and even though you always park so far away from frat houses just because you've heard way too many stories of people getting their cars stolen during parties, but right now you just wished you would have listened to your gut feeling and parked in front of the fraternity like every normal person.

However, to your life long luck, you spot a tall figure standing a little too close to your vehicle just as you’re about to unlock it. You slow down your movements almost instantly upon seeing the stranger, yet your eyes still try to figure out if it's someone you know despite the darkness surrounding the two of you.

He has probably spotted you by now, after all you're still panting like crazy from speed walking down to where your car is and it takes you a full minute to realize how loud you're actually being.

"Y/N", the male suddenly says, his deep voice sending shivers down your spine and even though it could have been everyone, it sounds a tad bit too familiar to your ears which is probably why you end up approaching him slowly.

"It's me, Kyoutani", he adds and at the same moment the words leave his lips, you finally recognize his pretty features which seem extra beautiful underneath the bright moonlight.

And then realization hits you.

"How did you know–", "Hana called me and asked if I could make sure you got home even if I didn't want to talk to you. So, here I am. Get in the car so I can tell her I did my part of the job", he interrupts you quickly, obviously not having the intention to interact with you and the way his usually so tender-filled eyes and calming voice are nothing but ice-cold has a thick veil of tears blurring your sight.

Never ever did you think about the moment, where Kyoutani puts the cold mask on he loved to hide behind when he had first looked at you all those weeks ago.

And the longer he avoids your gaze, the heavier the burden on your chest becomes.

"I'm sorry, Tani", you whisper, your voice breaking at the end, easily giving away how much his cold demeanor has gotten to you.

“Of course you're not just a friend to me and I d-don't know why I introduced you like that, everything happened so quickly and I – panicked. It's not an excuse and does not justify my behavior but I just wanted you to know that you've always been more than just a friend to me", you continue, managing to keep talking upon realizing that Kyoutani won't interrupt you and the way he even listens to you with his eyes looking everywhere but yours is absolutely enough for you.

"What am I to you then, Y/N? Am I the guy you're casually fucking? Your booty call? Am I your second choice? Like what the fuck do you expect me to say? I know we never put a label to – this", he starts pointing at you and then himself, "but you knew I was serious about it, about you. So, I just don't understand why you would even think about considering me a friend. I told you that I am not one for that friends with benefits kinda shit and you agreed yet you did this and now I can't help but be convinced you just used me to get that Yuuji fucker.”

Kyoutani is angry and he doesn't even try to hide it as he spits out those words, the ones he’s probably been dying to say out loud for the past few days and you know he has every right to actually be mad at you, his words still hit you in a way you didn't expect them to.

"I'd never do that to you, Kentarou; I'd never use you like that, please believe me", you say quickly, a little surprised you're even able to form proper sentences.

“You m-mean so much to me and I just don't know how to put it into words. My heart hurt so much when I watched you type your number into Sora's phone but the demons in my head, they just kept talking over my heart and – I'm just really sorry, Kyou, I really am", you sigh and after realizing that he's not going to look at you, you finally manage to shift your gaze away from his pretty face.

"Go home, Y/N. It's been a long day for both of us and I think some more distance will help me get my mind straight", Kyoutani replies after a long, torturous beat of silence lingering in the cold air and even if it wasn’t the reply you had hoped to hear, you're glad he's at least not completely ending it.

"Okay b-but at least let me drive you home?", you ask softly, wiping away the few tears which had managed to escape and when you look up at the beautiful faced male in front of you, his eyes meet you for the first time since what feels like forever and you feel yourself melting away.

"I don't think that's a good idea, pretty girl", Kyoutani sighs, the soft pet name sending your mind into the sweetest haze of comfort just like that, "it's only been a few days but I am craving your touch and I just know I'm going to lose it and fuck you against the next best surface if we get into that car together, so I have to decline this offer", he adds and takes another step back, his lips stretching into a tiny smile and you can’t deny how much his words have you gotten you worked up, but you have no choice but to nod.

"Have a good night, baby", Kyoutani sighs and deep down you're hoping for a kiss, after all it's been way too long since you got to feel close to him but instead, he just lifts his hand up and starts waving at you and just as he is about to turn around, you find yourself reaching for his wrist. The fear and despair inside of you making you a little too brave for your personal liking but you know you can't just let him walk away like that.

"Please, Tani- Kyoutani", you whisper and let out a soft sigh of relief when he turns around to face you again, "I won't try anything, I just want to spend a little bit more time with you."

Kyoutani takes a deep breath, his dark eyes roaming your face and wandering down your body and even though it feels like he's literally devouring you alive, you enjoy his burning gazes regardless, a hidden part inside of you even craving them.

A solid minute passes by before he lets out a sigh and gives you a nod, his plump lips pressed into a thin line.

It takes you another deep breath and a couple of seconds to actually calm yourself down from the rollercoaster of emotions you've been through within the time span of an hour and as you sit there in your car, inhaling the cold air of the night, your mind starts replaying everything that went down, starting from the day you met Kyoutani, to your first and most recent kiss, as well as the encounter with Sora and your deep anger towards Yuuji.

The drive to Kyoutani's apartment passes by in a blur, way too fast for your liking and you can't help but pout when you pull up in front of the huge building, knowing very well that this will be the last interaction with the handsome tattoo artist for the upcoming few days and you can already feel tears pricking at the corners of your eyes.

He's been awfully quiet, not like you actually said anything but Kyoutani's silence was intense, boring into your soul and actually suffocating you to a point where the urge to just jump out of the car became overwhelming.

You know he's probably going through everything just like you, yet the feeling that his thoughts are more on the negative side just won't leave you alone and you hate the way your assumptions are being confirmed as soon as Kyoutani turns to look at you.

"I – love you, Y/N", he suddenly says, his voice soft and calm, yet still deep and the way it's filled with tenderness and the sweetest bit of longing makes the effect of those magical words even heavier.

Your lips part in shock, your head having a difficult time actually processing his confession and you can feel your whole body going into a standby mode.

"But you're not good for me."

You remember the way your heart broke into thousands of pieces when you found out the alleged love of your life was cheating on you without even batting an eye.

The pain was so intense and heavy, you didn't know how to deal with it and at some point you were convinced that your heart had stopped beating for a solid minute. It was bad, left you speechless and threw you into a hole of darkness you barely managed to escape from, yet still leaving you grateful for the experience.

You thought your first heartbreak would be able to prepare you for what's to come in the future, but what you went through as soon as those words had fallen past Kyoutani’s lips, can't be compared to anything you've ever felt before.

Your heart starts clenching as his words keep replaying inside of your head and your throat so is going absolutely dry from your desperate attempts to gasp for air as the feeling of being suffocated comes back.

Everything around you seems to disappear, your eyes still focused on Kyoutani's intense gaze as the feeling of emptiness starts filling up your whole body.

You easily lose track of time, your heart beat so slow and heavy and when the wave of reality crashes you yet again, an almost inaudible sob falls past your lips.

"B-But...", you can't get yourself to speak, the words getting stuck in your throat and soft cries the only thing filling the inside of your car.

And yet, there are so many things you want to tell him, so many things rushing through your mind at the highest speed, almost impossible to grasp them and actually put them into proper sentences.

"You have too much control over me. I lost myself trying to fit into the picture of a lover you need and deserve. But – I am not who I used to be anymore”, Kyoutani explains, nervously rubbing the sides of his pierced node with his thumb as he avoids looking in your direction at all costs.

“I am scared of losing what's obviously not mine. You make me feel weak and vulnerable and I just can't deal with it. You've become the center of my world, and I can't control how much it affects me. How much you affect me and – I hate it", he continued, his voice is still incredibly calm, yet a bittersweet tone of fear coating every single one of his words.

"B-But...", yet again, the whole of your vocabulary seems vanished, not one word to say as the knot in your throat tightens even further.

"I'm sorry, Y/N. I thought I could do it but – I am not meant to love and you deserve to be loved in the most special way possible”, he takes another quick break, letting out a sigh of exhaustion, “and that's why I'm letting you go. Please, don't hate me. Take care and – goodbye, my love.”

Those are his last words before he presses his lips against your forehead, making your head spin like crazy because of the contrast of his heartbreaking words and his soft kiss.

Kyoutani leaves without saying another word. He doesn't even look back once as he walks away and enters the apartment building, while you can't stop staring at the door with hot tears streaming down your cheeks and loud sobs filling the suffocating air surrounding you.

There you are, yet again.

Your eyes staring into the dark night as your body tries to cope with the intensity of pain you've thought you had overcome.

The constant breaking of your heart starts numbing every part of your body and you slowly start losing yourself in this certain kind of darkness.

Seconds turn into minutes and without even realizing, a whole hour has gone by with you staring into nothing.

Your mind plays games with you as it keeps replaying his words, his behavior, his kiss and the feeling of slowly but certainly going insane as you get out of the car a little too fast.

You tumble back, the sudden coldness hitting you right in the face and the mental as well as physical exhaustion has your body trembling.

And then it hits you.

The wave of anger, wrath, frustration and hatred literally wakes you up, pulls you back into reality and ends up taking over you completely.

Your eyes find the huge apartment building Kyoutani lives in, staring at it as if you could set it on fire and you know what you're about to do is a bad idea but your body acts before your mind can even get the chance to intervene.

And that's how you find yourself almost brutality slamming your fist against Kyoutani's door, your heart hammering against your rib cage way too fast for it to be still physically healthy and ten thousand different thoughts rushing through your chaotic mind.

"What the fuck is going – Y/N", Kyoutani looks at you with his pretty eyes slightly widened in shock, his lips parting as he struggles to keep his eyes on you and a disgusting feeling of shame and embarrassment starts filling you up.

You know this is pathetic, you are aware of how stupid you look standing in front of him like this but you just can't get yourself to actually care about it.

"Y/N, please don't-", "No, I listened to what you had to say and now I'm going to talk and you're going to listen to me. Before that I am not going anywhere because I deserve this", you cut him off, hands balled into fists as you try to stay calm but the more you think about his words in the car, the angrier you get.

"I–", Kyoutani sighs, his eyes nervously roaming your face and upon noticing the way you seem to shiver from the cold and your lack of clothing, he lets his conscience get the best of him, "alright, come in then.”

You follow him inside, the familiar scent of vanilla and Kyoutani's favorite febreeze scent filling your nose and you hate the way how comfortable you are.

After all you've been spending quite some time in this apartment; visiting him after your classes so he could bury his face between your legs and then offer you some homemade food, followed by a good old ghibli movie and lots of cuddles has become some kind of routine.

Oh, how you hate him for ruining all of those memories.

"Do you want something to drink? You're probably freezing", he offers, his voice filled with concern and you know he is right and you'd definitely give everything for a cup of tea and maybe some water, you still shove all of your body’s basic needs into the very back of your head and try to regain your composure.

"I – you – we", you take a deep breath, your mind struggling to put all of those racing thoughts into some kind of order, yet failing miserably.

But there's so much you want to say to him; so many things you want him to hear and now that you are actually standing in front of him, your body betrays you.

"You're a fucking coward, Kyoutani Kentarou", is the first thing you finally manage to let out, "and I hate you for leaving me like this. I fucking hate you.”

Deep down, you hate yourself for saying those words; the choice of words and the incredible heaviness they come with are usually not your way of expressing yourself yet you're not regretting them.

You don't know how this night is going to end, maybe this will be the last time you get to see Kyoutani or he'll eventually fuck you into oblivion and you finally end up together; but nevertheless you want your words to hurt him; you want them to wake him up just like his did to you.

"How dare you confess your love to me and tell me I basically ruined your life in the same breath when you're the one who's fucking all of this – us up. Yes, I’ve made a mistake and I've been regretting my choice of words for the past four days, even came to the point where I accepted your distance and decided to let go because I know how much my words hurt you. But us ending like this? Definitely not going to happen", Kyoutani stares at you with his pretty eyes focusing you attentively, barely blinking, not moving at all; he’s just listening to you.

"I just – don't understand how you can be this oblivious."

"Oblivious? Oblivious to what?", he asks, his voice a little deeper and raspier, sending goosebumps straight dow your spine as if your body needed to remind you the effect he has on you.

"Oblivious to everything. This is what love does to people, Kentarou. Of course you're going to feel weak and vulnerable because of me - because of the one you love. After all the point of being loved and loving someone else is showing those vulnerabilities and weakness to the person you trust the most because you know, or at least you hope, they won't take advantage of it.”

You take a deep breath, your mind slowing down as you ease yourself into his calming embrace and subconsciously losing yourself in the comfort it comes with.

“I'm yours. I've been yours since the very first day and we both know this, that's why you are so scared of losing me. And that's why my words hurt you so much”, you can tell that he’s already processing your words as much as he can; his habit of scratching the back of his head giving him away easily.

"You said you've lost yourself trying to fit into this picture of someone who I deserve but – you are the one who created that picture in the first place. Just because my first boyfriend was an alleged goody two shoes doesn't mean that you have to be like that too. Fuck that", you hiss, the thought of Kyoutani changing even the slightest bit about himself sending jolts of anger through your veins, "I don't care if you dropped out of college or that you have tattoos and piercings and bleach blonde hair. None of that matters to me because it's you, your kind heart and your pure soul I fell in love with.”

And suddenly - you can feel the burden on your shoulders disappear when those certain words leave your lips and the second Kyoutani raises his eyebrows in slight surprise before he locks eyes with you again has another breath of fresh air run through your suffocated lungs.

"Yes, I'm in love with you, Kyoutani Kentarou. Believe it or not, but for me, you're perfect just like this, with all your tiny habits and every single tattoo. There's nothing I'd change about you and I'm genuinely, truly sorry if I ever made you feel like you needed to change for me. You're a great guy and I guess that's why I ran back here after sitting in that car, crying for an hour because I couldn't stop thinking about the way you confessed your love to me”, you feel the thick veil of tears appear before they manage to block your sight, making the pretty face in front of you turn into bourry little pixels as your emotions overwhelm you.

“And yes, you are meant to be loved; maybe not meant to be loved by me but you deserve to be loved, do you hear me?"

You go up to him, closing some of the distance between the two of you before your finger darts out and poke his strong chest, trying to ease the tension after letting go of all those thoughts, "you deserve to love and to be loved because you're a good person. And I just – wanted to thank you for letting me into your life. Meeting you, getting to know the beautiful person you are has been one of the best things that has happened to me and I will cherish these memories forever."

And with those words you take a deep breath, let out another sigh, goving away your acceptance of defeat before you lift your head and prepare yourself to say your last goodbye no matter how painful it is.

"Take care, Kyoutani Kentarou and thank you, for everything", the words fall past your lips in the form of a whisper solely because you're too scared to break if you raised your volume just slightly.

You turn around and feel the first tear find its way down your cheek before you even get to walk away.

And just as you wrap your fingers around the doorknob, the sound of rushed footsteps approaching you makes you halt your movements.

"D-Don't go", Kyoutani suddenly says, his voice breaking when he comes to stand behind you, so close you can actually feel the warmth he's radiating, "I need you...so bad", he whispers into your ear, pressing his forehead against the back of your neck and it's like everything that happened tonight becomes irrelevant.

You turn around, not expecting Kyoutani to push you against the door with his whole body, yet still embracing him as much as you can.

With a soft sob, you start inhaling his unique scent, grazing his soft skin with your fingers and letting the warmth blossom inside of your chest after feeling his rapid heartbeat beneath your palm.

"Don't leave me, please", he cries, the tears running down his flushed cheeks despite his desperate attempts of holding back, "let's do this whole love thing.”

You stand there for what feels like an eternity, just hugging each other, taking in each other's presence and calming down from everything that has happened in such a short time. You finally calm down completely, Kyoutani's soft touches and tiny kisses give you the last bit of energy you needed and for the first time in almost three months, there's not one demon in your head trying to make you overthink something.

Because this feels perfect; there's literally no other word to describe the feeling of holding Kyoutani Kentarou and being held by him.

But nevertheless, you've been on a constant adrenaline rush for the past four hours and the exhaustion has been killing you, making you grow tired a lot faster than usual.

"What about moving this to your room, hm? I'd rather fall asleep with you in your bed than against the door; especially because I know the boys are out and will be coming home soon", you say softly, lifting Kyoutani's head from the crook of your neck and looking at him.

He sighs and gives you a soft kiss, giving you a nod in response before he gets himself to let go of you; his warmth leaving with him and it's almost disgusting how you literally crave his presence.

After Kyoutani makes you drink two glasses of water to avoid the dehydration of your body, he hands you one of his thick hoodies and leaves you to get ready in his bathroom.

You come back to the sight of him sitting against the headboard of his king sized bed, his oversized shirt revealing the perfect amount of collarbones and you enjoy the sight of his pretty skin and the dark lines covering most of it as well as the way his sweats hug his strong thighs in the best way possible.

And as you watch his eyes lazily roam your body, a hot jolt of arousal finds its way through your veins and right to your cunt.

"Don't look at me like that, sweet girl", Kyoutani suddenly groans and cocks his head to the side, his tongue poking out to wet his lips before he gulps harshly; his eyes never once leaving yours.

"B-But Tani...", you reply, approaching him with tiny steps become you come to stand right next to his tall figure, feeling yourself growing needier because of the way your body is craving his touch now more than ever.

“Baby…”, he replies and gulps harshly, knowing your body better than yourself after weeks of getting to know you in a way nobody has ever before.

"Please, Tani...please, fuck me. I need to feel you inside of me. I've been waiting for so long...", you plead, your fingers coming to graze his pretty lips as memories of all the times he had turned you into a crying mess with those lips.

Kyoutani is just as affected by the change in tension as you, the slight bulge in his grey sweatpants as well as the hunger burning in his eyes giving him away.

"You're such a pretty angel girl, aren’t you?", he whispers and sits up, pulling you closer to make you stand in between his legs as he starts caressing your hot cheeks with his fingers.

“Yet you're saying all those naughty things”, Kentarou chuckles deeply, “imagine how people would react if they knew what a cockhungry little slut you actually are", upon hearing those degrading names, your cunt starts clenching around nothing and a high pitched whimper escaped your throat.

"For you...", you whisper, pulling your bottom lip between your teeth the second Kyoutani starts placing open mouthed kisses on your neck.

Your fingers dig into his shoulders, pulling the material of his shirt a little too tightly.

"Of course, baby, you're mine after all and this sweet cunt", the sudden feeling of his palm pressing against the damped fabric of your panties has you gasping for air, "belongs to me, and me only", Kyoutani grunts, pulling the skin of your neck between his lips before he starts sucking gently as well as slowly moving his fingers against the lacey fabric between your legs.

"Yes, it's yours", you reply, after several weeks of being intimate with Kyoutani you've learned one thing and that's how much he loves hearing you say all those dirty and lewd things, "please fuck me."

"Patience, my love, patience. I am going to fuck you", Kentarou replies calmly and suddenly pushes you away, his hands disappearing from your body and when your lid flutter open because of the lack of touch, he shoots you one of his cocky smirks, "but let's not forget the whole friend situation, hm? What about you make it up to me before I fuck you like the little whore you are?"

His words have excitement rush through your blood, your head literally spinning just from the thought of finally getting to be on the giving end after weeks of him playing the selfless lover.

You nod eagerly, anticipation sparkling in your eyes as you watch him palm himself over his sweats before you get on your knees and wait for him to let go of his now fully erect cock.

However, the more seconds pass by like this, the more nervous you become because for some reason you suddenly remember that you've basically never sucked dick before.

Your head shoots up with slight panic written all over your face and of course Kyoutani notices your change in demeanor right away.

"What's wrong, angel?", he asks you and stops the movements of his hands.

"I don't know how to do it, Tani", you whisper, knowing there's no point in being shy about it, after all he happens to be the guy you've experienced your most firsts with.

"It's okay, baby, I'm going to help you”, Kyoutani replies and actually loses his composure for a second, “fuck baby, don't look at me like this when I'm literally about to fuck your throat", he hisses, throwing his head back as he grunts and his hips desperately bucking into the air.

Kyoutani takes another deep breath before he finally pushes his hand underneath the waistband of his sweats and with your eyes focused on his movements, you watch him pull out his hard length, a soft hiss falling past his plump lips when the coldness of the room grazes the slightly wet tip of his cock.

You gulp harshly, his impressive size in girth as well as length has your pussy throbbing like crazy, yet you can't help but wonder how the hell he's going to fit inside of you.

“Don't worry, baby, I know you're going to take all of my cock like the good girl you are", Kyoutani says after observing your facial expressions for some time.

"Give me your hand", he asks you softly, his voice still raspy and incredibly hoarse yet still soothing and you appreciate his attempts to calm himself down so you won't feel too nervous. With your heart slamming against your rib cage, you lift your hand up and are slightly overwhelmed at the sudden feeling of Kyoutani's warm spit pooling inside your palm. Without adding anything, he straightens himself and motions you to stroke his hard cock.

Not once do you stop looking at him as you wrap your fingers around the base of his impressive length and slowly start jerking him off.

Kyoutani cocks his head to the side, his bottom lip pulled in between his teeth and his eyes constantly fluttering close.

"Start with the tip, angel- just wrap your lips around it and start sucking, but be careful with your teeth, yeah baby?", he grunts, his hips thrusting into your fist every time the pace of your strokes slows down.

You give him yet another nod before look up at him one more time and do as he says.

The feeling of his cock between your lips is – different.

It feels like it's not supposed to be there, yet the salty taste of his precum coating your tongue has you sighing softly. Your tongue darts out, giving his tip a tiny kitten lick before you go back to sucking on it eagerly.

And while you seem to enjoy it a lot, Kyoutani is going absolutely crazy. You can see the way he's tensing his body as his grip in the bed sheets tightens and the vein on his neck pops out.

"F-Fuck, baby, just like that", he praises you "now try to take more of it in a-and use your hand for the rest", Kyoutani's voice is shaky, his eyes are nervously roaming your swollen lips and the string of spit connecting them to the tip of his cock.

Without giving it another thought, you take a deep breath and take more of him, trying your best to not graze his sensitive cock with your teeth and despite your initial struggle, you still enjoy the feeling of his cock on your tongue.

You subconsciously wrap your fingers around the part of his cock which you can't fit inside your mouth and suddenly it's like your body knows exactly what to do.

Kyoutani's moans grow louder and the soft thrusts of his hips become a little less controlled. You look up at him every now and then, trying your best to keep the steady rhythm as you bop your head.

And then he suddenly thrusts his length all the way to the back of your throat, your gag reflex just about to go off when he pulls back which is the moment you take notice of the tears streaming down your cheeks.

You give him a soft smile before going back to wrapping your lips around his tip, but you don't get very far.

Kyoutani pulls you back, his grip on the back of your neck not firm enough to hurt you.

"I promise I'm going to fuck your throat properly and even cum in your mouth the next time we do this but right now I just can't stop thinking about that tight cunt of yours", he says, helping you get up and almost instantly pulling you onto his lap; his wet cock rubbing against your panty covered core as Kyoutani pulls you in for a kiss.

It's sloppy and rushed, the way his tongue grazes over yours before he pulls it between his lips and starts sucking at it. Your hips start moving against his cock, your sensitive pussy craving some kind of friction as the arousal has your head spinning like crazy.

You start moaning and whimpering into his mouth when Kyoutani’s hips start meeting your desperate movements, applying the perfect amount of pressure onto your needy clit.

You feel the knot in the pit of your stomach tightening, the clenching of your cunt becoming worse the more you hump Kyoutani's cock like a woman starved.

But nothing prepares you for the feeling of one of his large digits entering you. Your hole start clenching around his finger Kyoutani pushes another one in, both digits buried inside of your little cunt.

"Such a good girl for me, aren't you, baby? I'm going to finger you nice and slow so you're ready for my cock. Now come on, my love; show me what a good whore you are and ride my fingers", Kyoutani encourages you, his hot breath fanning against the sensitive skin behind your ear and without missing a beat, your hips meet the skillful thrusts of his fingers.

Kyoutani continues to whisper naughty things into your ear, his other hand eventually wrapping around your throat as he makes sure you look into his eyes when you stumble over the edge.

Your high hits you hard and fast, the intensity knocking the breath out of your lungs and leaving you gasping for it; something you should be used to by now yet still can't believe is even possible.

He pushes you off of his lap softly, helps you get rid of his shirt as well as your ruined panties before he makes you lay down in the middle of his bed; eyes locking with yours when he also starts undressing.

"My pretty girl", Kyoutani sighs, his hand caressing the soft skin of your thighs, spanking you every now and then just because he's absolutely obsessed with the way your whole body tenses whenever his hand meets your skin.

“Look at me", he orders and almost instantly your head shoots up to meet his gaze, the sight of his naked body distracting you a lot more than you expected but after all this is the first time you get to see the rest of his tattoos; the ones you usually only get a tiny glimpse of depending on his outfit choice.

Kyoutani spreads your legs apart, his eyes never leaving yours even when he starts jerking off again and you can't hold back the soft whimpers and begs leaving your lips.

But also something about his flushed cheeks and swollen lips as well as his messy hair falling into his face has you incredibly turned on.

"We've never talked about this before but are you on the pill, baby?", he asks, pushing one of his thumbs into his mouth before he brings it down to your clit and starts rubbing soft circles into it, making you arch your back off of the mattress as you bury your face in the pillow to keep your noises down.

"N-No", you whisper, a deep sigh coming from Kyoutani and even though you know you shouldn’t do it, you stop him from bending over to the drawer of his nightstand, making him look at you in confusion.

“But I still want you to raw me, please...", you add and gulp harshly when his whole body seems to go into some kind of haze once the words leaveyour lips.

Kyoutani looks at you, his eyes darkening even more as he pulls his bottom lip between his teeth and lets out a loud moan of your name.

"I can't just raw you, baby", he presses through gritted teeth, his mask slowly falling apart the more you rub yourself against his cock, "you've never had sex without a condom and my pull out game is weak, even weaker when it comes to you because fuck – the thought of filling you up with my cum sounds so fucking good", Kyou groans when you scoot up a little, taking his length into your hand before you line him up with your entrance.

"B-But what if you get pregnant, sweet girl?", he sighs and tries to pull away, making you wrap your arms around his neck as you look into his pretty eyes.

"That will just show everyone around us how well you've fucked me", you whisper and elicit another deep moan from him, his whole body shaking slightly as he tries to hold himself back from just pounding into you.

"Such a cockhungry whore", he hisses and – finally – starts pushing his fat cock into your tiny cunt, the slight stretch making you both gasp for air.

“If that's what you want, then that’s what you get, you little slut. I'm going to fucking raw you and fill you up with all of my cum, make you my cumslut", Kyoutani grunts, pulling your bottom lip between his teeth before he harshly grabs your face and looks into your eyes as he buries more of himself inside of you.

"F-Fuck, you're big", you whimper, throwing your head back and trying your very best to stop clenching around his cock.

“We're almost there, baby- you got this, s-stop clenching", Kyoutani grunts against your parted lips. Without a warning, Kyoutani pushes the rest of his huge cock inside of you, bottoming out completely.

“F-Fuck...you’re so– tight”, Kentarou grunts, his fingers digging into the flesh of your hips as he buries his face in the crook of your neck, “it’s like you’ve never been fucked before.”

“S-So good...so fucking good, nngh-”, your little whimpers and whines are slurred, barely coherent as the feeling of being filled to the brim pushes you into a haze of pleasure.

You feel the pulsation of his cock against your spongy walls, his hands nervously roaming your body and groping one of your tits, as he obviously tries to calm himself down.

And then he finally starts moving.

A deep, guttural moan leaves the both of you when he pulls himself out of your tight hole, dragging his huge cock along the walls of your little cunt in the most delicious way possible before he almost brutally shoves himself back in again.

“Mhm, just like that, you little brat”, he grunts, sitting up on his knees as he pushes your legs further apart, his eyes focusing the way his fat cock stretches your hole just how he’s been imagining it all this time, “coming up to me and talking about having your little cunt rawed like some cumhungry little whore.”

You start nodding almost instantly at his words, your brain barely recognizing them, the only thing you can focus on being the way the tip of his cock grazes the entrance to your womb with every harsh, brutal thrust of his hips.

His thrusts find a steady rhythm, hard and so, so deep.

“Open your mouth”, Kyoutani grunts, a single drop of sweat finding its way down the center of his tattooed chest, the sight making you whimper and whine for him even louder as you part your lips as soon as you process his words.

“You know what? I’d rather have you say it”, he suddenly hisses, pulling his cock out of your spasming cunt before he presses your legs together and shoves himself back inside of you with one skilled thrust of his hips.

You have no idea at what point you start crying but by the time Kyoutani's moans and grunts start picking up their pace, you're a sobbing mess.

“S-Say wh-what?”, you sob, hiding your tear and spit stained face behind your hands, not daring to look up at him.

“I want you to ask for my spit and beg for my cum”, Kentarou’s voice grows raspier, the dominance seething through every single one of his words makes it so easy for you to fall even further into the hole of absolute submission, “and stop hiding yourself, angel girl..I wanna watch the way I’m fucking your brains out.”

A row of loud, high pitched whines and a combination of sobs and moans are the only thing you manage to respond with, your brain clouded with the feeling of his thick cock dragging along the spongy walls of your cunt.

And before you can even comprehend his next movement, you hear the loud sound of skin meeting skin followed by the delicious feeling of a sting sending jolts of pain through your body, something you’ve come to love after so many hours with the tattoo artist.

“I told you to ask and beg for it, angel girl..you’re making me wait”, Kentarou spits, never once halting the movements of his hips as he watches the way you start sobbing even more, your cunt spasming around his cock after his painful spank.

“Please...f-fuck, please spit in my mouth and my face and on my cunt- want it all”, you start brabbling, another row of incohrent begs following right afterwars as your hips sloppily meet his harsh thrusts, “I want you to stuff me full of your cum, too- please, Daddy, wanna be your little c-cumdumpster.”

“There you go..”, Kyoutani’s plump lips stretch into a big smile as his cock throbs at the sound of that one forbidden little word he’s come to love even more after hearing it from you only a handful of times.

He didn’t hesitate to tell you about how much it turns him on around two weeks after the two fo you had started dating and even though he never really expected you to use it, he was secretely hoping for you to overcome your shyness.

You had used it only twice before when the pleasure had gotten too much for your brain to handle and Kyoutani knew you’d stop holding yourself back as soon as you got a taste of his cock.

“What did you just call me, pretty girl?”, he cooes, giggling softly at the way you whimper and cry even harder, knowing oh so well what he wants to hear.

And for the first time you just can’t get yourself to argue with the little voice in the back of your head; the feeling of his cock stretching your tiny cunt making it so, so easy to just let go of all those doubts and worries.

“Please, Daddy”, you reply and look into his eyes, groping your own tits as you arch your back to feel him even deeper inside of you, “n-need your cum inside of me...please- want everyone to know who I belong to.”

You don’t really expect it, yet your pussy almost instantly start clenching around his cock when kyoutani harshly grabs your face, making you part your lips before he spits into your mouth.

The loud, lewd sound of it rings in your ears in the best way possible and acting like a literal aphrodisiac in combination with the delicious taste of his saliva coating the hot muscle of your tongue.

You hum softly before you swallow it all, a gentle sob escaing your lips before you look up at him again.

"Now go on, angel girl”, he growls, pushing his hand in between your legs to rub circles into your hardened clit, “I want you to cum for me. Be a good little dumpster for your Daddy and show me what only I can do to you.”

You can barely process his words, the lewdness just fueling the fire in the pit of your stomach as you lose yourself in the feeling of your upcoming high. But you still start nodding, cringing at the feeling your saliva dripping down your jawline.

And with one last thrust, you feel your high crashing down onto you with such heaviness, you're left absolutely breathless.

Your whole body is trembling as the waves of your orgasm hit you, a row of incoherent words leaving your lips before you stop trying and just start crying for your precious Daddy.

"That's my baby”, is the first thing your brain manages to process again, everything still a blurry mess and when you look at Kyou, you realize you’re still cumming.

Your cunt is almost painfully spasming around his big cock, your juices dripping down the sides of his length as he helps you ride out your orgasm.

“You’re such a good, good girl for Daddy, aren’t you? I'm so proud of you", Kyoutani praises you, his thrust a little sloppier than before and from the way he's digging his fingers into the skin of your waist, you can only assume that he's also quiet close, "you're also going to take all of Daddy’s cum, right, baby? We gotta make sure I fill you up nicely..."

You take a deep breath, your slightly overstimulated cunt sending shivers down your spine as your eyes focus on Kyoutani's parted lips.

"Please, Daddy...need you to fill me up with your cum", you encourage him and when you slowly push two of your fingers into his mouth, knowing how much he loves to suck on them no matter what situation you’re both in, you finally get to see his whole face crunch up in pleasure.

His body tenses up as his grip on your waist becomes firmer before he starts cumming inside of you with a deep, raspy moan; coating the walls in several shades of white with three thick spurts of his cum.

Kyoutani buries his face in the crook of your neck as he slowly calms down, loud breathing and rushed gasps for air the only thing to fill the inside of his empty room.

"I love you so much", he whispers and gives you a soft kiss, his cock still firmly buried inside of your sensitive cunt before he shoots you a soft smile; looking almost boyish with his glossy eyes and flushed cheeks.

"I love you, too, D-Daddy”, you whisper, gulping harshly as the words leave your lips, feeling yourself grow even smaller underneath his strong yet comforting gaze, “thank you for giving us a chance", you add and pull him into for another kiss.

"Kyoutani Kentarou, your favorite group of walking disappointments is back and better than ev - oh", Iwaizumi Hajime, Kyoutani's High School best friend, fellow tattoo aritst and roommate suddenly yells and almost brutally slams open the door, startling you to the last bone in your body.

Kyoutani is quick to cover you up with his body, his hand reaching for one of the blankets on the floor as he grunts in annoyance.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't know–", "What is it, Iwa-Chan? Is he jerking off again? Kyoutani Kentarou you little piece of shit, just go and fuck that–", just like Iwaizumi, Oikawa – who also happens to be his best friend, felow tattoo artist and roommate – comes to stand in the doorway, bumping into his best friend before he finally spots the two of you.

"You're naked", he points out, closing his eyes almost instantly after realizing what he has just come to witness and despite the disgusting feeling of wanting to disappear and never come back again, you can't help but giggle at their shocked and slightly disgusted faces.

Kyoutani takes a deep breath and pulls out of you, still making sure to hide you behind his body before he hands you the blanket and lets his eyes shift to the door, looking at his best friends in pure disbelief.

"Kawa stop fucking staring and – can you two please fuck off?", he yells, pulling the boys back to reality and the way both of them shift to look at you only to blush from their necks to their ears has you chuckling softly.

This type of situation is nothing you’re not used to – unfortunately.

"Uhm – of course! Oh, my fucking God! So sorry, Kyou", Iwaizumi stutters and wraps his fingers around the doorknob, avoiding your eyes as much as he can before he pushes Oikawa away and then closes the door with another row of apologies.

Kyoutani just looks at you apologetically as he shakes his head and face palms himself, making the both of you burst into loud laughter.

And after taking a shower together and actually eating some late dinner with the boys, you fall asleep with Kyoutani's arms tightly wrapped around your waist, his face buried inside the crook of your neck and one last love confession.

And when those sweet words fall past his lips yet again, you realize – you're finally home.

[ banner source ]

[9tzuyu]

dark red

request: hii i’m not sure if you’re accepting requests rn,,, if you aren’t i’m sorry please ignore this djfjdhd could you write a nat x reader based off the song dark red by steve lacy — specifically the lines “don’t you give me up / please don’t give up / only you, my girl / only you, babe” — kind of like the tiktok trend going on right now

note: anon im so sorry i really hope this was okay. i can try and rewrite it if you want though 😭 i kinda hate it but i hope its good enough for you :[

aLSO SORRY THIS IS SO LATE.

i proofread this as quick as i could so all mistakes are mine.

warnings: none, a little angsty, terrible writing.

🏷: @c-is-writing @wandaromanova @nermalina

. . .

everyone knew natasha to be a very self-assured woman. she knew everything about herself; what she liked and what she didn’t like, who she tolerated and who she trusted. her history with just about everyone she’s close with dates back years, sometimes decades. it was very rare that she met someone knew whom she gave her complete trust to. 

meeting you caught her by surprise, something that doesn’t happen to natasha very often. your presence was refreshing, authentic, new. it was the very thing natasha didn’t know she needed in her life.

natasha watched your every little movement any time you were around. you intrigued her, held her attention by the very strand of your hair. something about you was special and she couldn’t seem to get enough.

so she allowed herself to have you, to enjoy you, to be with you. over a year into the friendship, you suggested the idea of becoming something more than just platonic. you wanted a relationship with the woman.

natasha accepted your proposal with a bright smile and a gentle kiss on the lips. she’d been more than relieved you asked her because the false belief that she was undeserving trampled any courage she had. 

it was hard to know when something was truly bothering natasha, but sometimes you were able to see the light dull in her eyes, or the uncontrollable fidgeting she’d accidentally let slip. 

which is exactly what you were dealing with now. for the past few months you’d begun to notice a slight change in natasha’s demeanor. little by little she began to distance herself in ways she knew would be looked over, at least for a short amount of time. 

natasha started out small. rather than having her face meet yours, she’d turn her back against your front while you slept. she couldn’t bear to look at someone who deserved so much better than what she could ever offer. 

you meant the entire world to natasha, she would quite literally do anything to protect you. that being said, natasha felt the need to protect you from her. 

a couple of weeks after her initial push back, you noticed the way she’d flinch when you tried to hold her. it was almost invisible, but you knew natasha more intimately than anyone else ever had, which made it easier to recognize all the small things everyone else missed.

then you caught onto the fact that she started leaving the bed early in the morning, as if she was promising herself not to see you. natasha also started to work more. longer hours, nights she had to be away, and minimal effort to keep in touch kickstarted the fighting. 

just as everything else did, it started off on a smaller scale. you’d send texts clearly stating how upset you were by her choice of actions. natasha would always have some stupid excuse on hand as a response though.

things began to escalate when natasha willingly booked her days off into cheap motels that reeked of cigarettes. the redhead would often find herself sitting on the floor beside her bed, breath saturated in store-bought vodka. the russian felt cheap and disposable, just as she did when she was a kid being used by the hands of a man with no morals.

when natasha chose to go home she’d return with her hair knotted, tied loosely in a bun with an apology already made.

this went on for nearly two months before you’d finally decided enough was enough. you’d given her time, space, everything you thought might help, but she never made any attempt to reciprocate your efforts. 

so now you stood leaning against the wall across the living room, natasha anxiously settled on the couch directly in your line of view. your focus was solely on the spy. and despite her best efforts at trying to hide it, you could tell she was uncomfortable.

“i’m sorry...” she croaked, voice hoarse from her night full of crying. 

“i know you are.” 

natasha’s fingertips met the edges of her teeth, followed by the familiar sound of a snap. 

disgusting. natasha felt incredibly disgusting, which in turn made her own self-hatred rise to a level she’d never met before. because how could she? how could she sit here and make you suffer through her own self destruction? natasha knew she was causing you pain, a kind of pain you didn’t deserve.

“i wish you would talk to me and tell me what’s going on, nat. i can’t keep doing this with you and you know that.” you watched as she clenched her jaw, swallowing a breath as her leg bounced sporadically against the wooden floor. 

“i don’t deserve you. i don’t deserve you at all.” her eyes faltered.  

you bit your lip, not understanding where this was coming from. “what makes you say that?” 

“because it’s true.”

“there’s nothing true about that statement, natasha.”

“but there is!” she practically begged, “i’ve done so much wrong, damaged so many people, ruined so many lives. there’s nothing good about me, and there’s so much good in you.” 

you moved closer to her, words ready to fall from you lips about how wrong she was. noticing this, natasha began to trip and stumble upon her sentences as you enclosed your proximity. you frowned having not been used to seeing her in such distress. 

“it sucks because i love you. i love you so fucking much—” her lip began to quiver,  “—and i’m sorry. i’m so fucking sorry that i still selfishly need you. just please, please don’t you give me up. please don’t give up. i’ll be better, i’ll do better.”

you didn’t bother listening to the rest of what natahsa was saying because just as you’d previously stated, none of it was true. there was nothing that natasha could say that would change your mind. you knew her as the person she is, not the person she was. 

“nat? nat look at me.” you tried. 

it was only then when natasha noticed how close you were. she tried to pull away, but you were quick to stop her by by a small, fragile grasp of the wrist. 

“natasha.” 

the redhead stopped midway through her movement, green eyes trailing from your hand all the way up to meet your own. 

“yes?” her voice cracked. 

“i would never consider giving up on you, natasha. ever. don’t you know? it’s only you, my girl. i love you — only you, babe.” 

“yes, but-”

“but nothing. your past doesn’t define you. that’s what you’ve told me hundreds and hundreds of times, right? i need you to hear me out on this.” her hum was the only response you got, but you chose not to fight it.

“you are not the finished product they made you to be.” although hesitant, she nodded. “you’re good, natasha, you are. i know you’ve spent the last decade it seems, trying to make up for all the wrong that you’ve done, but at some point you have to forgive yourself. you were never at fault. i know you know that, but i need you to believe it.” 

you leaned closer, connecting your forehead with hers knowing how intimate that felt for natasha. “i don’t want anyone else. i only want you— only you, darling.”

natasha nudged her nose against yours as if she was asking for permission to kiss you, but you let her take the lead, let her take the time she needed to before she pressed her lips against yours. 

 “i love you more than you will ever know.”

you giggled into the kiss, “you’re wrong about that, natty. you know you are.” she rolled her eyes, pulling away from you to push you on your back.  

“shut up and let me appreciate you.”

you smirked, looking up at the redhead. “oh yeah? and how are you going to do that?”

“you’ll see.” 

“oh i’m sure i will.”

“yeah. you will.” 

[tvseries-writings]

hi sorry i don’t really know how to use tumblr so I hope im making this request in the right way. But anyway can you make a fic where instead of Peggy getting impaled by the rebar in 2x05 it’s the reader and they drive to violets house and she takes care of her, but here’s the thing the reader and peggy are in love but because of the time they have to keep it a secret. p.s. I love your fics sm keep it up - a fellow italian <3 (I saw that in your bio and I loved it)

Love is not always easy

Peggy Carter x reader

Marvel Masterlist ~ Buy me a coffee☕️

"We got the rods, where are you?" Peggy's voice resounds in the device on the ground and a small smile appears on your lips, seeing the irritated gaze of the blonde in front of you.

"You interfering ..."

"Last chance, Miss Frost"

Your determined gaze doesn't leave her face as she looks at you with hate.

"Same to you, Agent y / n"

You jump forward and try to hit her in the face but she grabs her arm. A black substance begins to come out of her hand and spreads over your skin. A groan of pain escapes you from her lips and you try to get away from her grasp quickly, you head and kick her away with a kick in the stomach but you lose your balance. The wooden railing breaks and you fall, grabbing, thanks to who knows what miracle, a wooden plank on the ledge. You try to hold onto yourself with all your strength, ignoring the thorns that enter your hand.

Whitney gets up from the floor and walks resolutely towards you. A smile appears on her lips as she places her hands on her hips and she watches you be there, poised.

"Oh I'm sorry Agent y / n. Not everyone's cut out for Hollywood "

Whitney kneels, holding out her hand so you can grab it, but your grip slips before your fingers brush and you fall.

You hear someone yell your name and see a man take Whitney away, shocked by what happened. You tilt your head and look at your body, understanding the reason for your pain.

An iron rod has literally stabbed you and blood begins to flow from the wound, dyeing your white shirt red.

"Y / n!"

Peggy runs to your side and you start moaning in pain. She takes out a handkerchief and with trembling hands, she presses it around the wound trying to stop the bleeding as much as possible.

"Please, stay with me, stay with me y / n"

The rest of the journey is confusing, you just remember Jarvis and Peggy dragging you into the car and then nothing. Just dark.

When you open your eyes again, and you do it for the pain, you realize you are on a sofa, in a house you don't know.

"Well awake ... the heartbeat is quickened" a blonde, who you recognize to be Sousa's girlfriend, speaks, before looking at your wound. She pulls away your shirt causing you a lot of grunts of pain and then she speaks.

"The bleeding is under control, it would be better if I went to the hospital"

Her tone is worried but you shake your head.

"No! No"

"Then, deep breaths, y / n ... because this is gonna hurt."

As she tilts the bottle of alcohol, you scream in pain as she comes into contact with the open wound.

"Aahh!"

You think you have passed out. When you wake up, Violet is no longer in the living room and Peggy's voice resounds in the room.

«Yes Sousa, she will be fine. Thanks, I'll tell you "

Peggy ends the call, putting the phone down.

She turns to you and, when she sees you awake, her eyes light up and a small smile purses her lips as she comes towards you.

"The uranium rods are safe," she tells you, sitting on the chair opposite the sofa as she helps you sit up.

"Good. So, being skewered like a piece of meat on a spit did something. "

Peggy gives you a dirty look while she gently caresses your face.

"Don't joke y / n, you really made me worry."

"I know and I'm sorry Peg" you close your eyes, enjoying her caresses.

"I almost lost you today ... I can never live such a thing again"

You open her mouth, wanting to tell her it's not her fault, but she shakes her head. Peggy puts her face close to yours and you look at her confused.

"Peg, we can't ... not here"

You whisper those words with your heart sinking with every breath. Her words said too many times, in too many situations and with too much pain. Words repeated over and over, every second of your relationship while hiding from prying eyes, gossip and evil looks. A secret well hidden in the four walls of your room, a secret pact between you, a secret and crazy love. A secret that would have led to your death if not something worse if it had been discovered.

A secret that had to remain so, then.

Peggy smiles and collides your lips. The kiss is sweet, full of hidden love and that feeling that you have been forced to repress for years now.

«I don't care what happens ... I will fight for our love. Today, when I saw you lying there, I thought about all the times we had to hide and I promised myself that we would never have to do it again. Life is too short to love in secret. "

Peggy hugs you in a hug and you relax in her arms.

"I love you Peg"

I look at her softly and your hand reaches her, intertwining your fingers.

"I love you too y / n"

You two stay like that, you look intensely in the eyes. Yors eyes are full of love and you start when someone clears their throat.

"Miss Carter, Miss y / n… Mr. Howard told me that he has booked for you, given today's unpleasant situation, a trip to Italy as soon as Miss y / n feels better."

“Jarvis is wonderful, thank him. From both of us"

The man nods and turns, about to leave the room but stops. He turns back to you and a shy smile appears on his face.

"And Miss Carter ... I wanted to tell you that that was an excellent speech"

Peggy blushes and you giggle, seeing the blush that dyes your soul mate's cheeks.

"Thanks Jarvis"

Peggy murmurs and as soon as Jarvis leaves, he buries his head in the crook of your neck.

“Ugh… it was so embarrassing. Howard will come to find out soon and then- "

"Peg, Howard already knows"

You smile amused and your smile widens even more when you see her shocked face.

"WHAT!?"

Thanks for reading! I hope this is more or less what you asked for. Anyway let's write to each other sometime, it's nice to know that there are Italian people on Tumblr XD. Have a great day!<3

P.s: se vuoi te lo invio in italiano :)

P.p.s: Hello people! In five days it's my and my sister's birthday (yes, we are twins) and since I don't know if I will be able to collect all the money to send her to London (it has always been her dream and I just want to make her happy), I wanted to ask you if you could donate something to buy her a sweatshirt she likes so much. It's a sweatshirt with a cute Larry fanart and it's signed by Harry and she's been dreaming of it for a while and I wanted to make it for her for our birthday. It costs about 70 dollars but I only earned about twenty between one job and another so I wanted to ask you if you could help me. She is very important to me and her happiness matters more than anything else. Thanks so much for your help. <3

Taglist: (send me a message if you want to be added) @mmmmokdok

[winter-soldier-vibes]

Can I request HSP + depression reader (who thinks they are just weak and being crybaby) x Bucky, please? I understand you are super busy right now and I didn’t mean to rush you or anything but I'm just struggling with both HSP and depression and couldn’t help but send it right now. No need to hurry, just when you are free and maybe when you had nothing to write. Thank you and I love you!

Thank you for the request, I’m sorry it’s been a difficult time for you! I’m here if you need me and I hope that this helps!!! 

It’s called empathy

Bucky x reader

Word count: 1981

Warnings: depression, HSP (highly sensitive person), low self worth, negative self talk, swearing (that’s normal for me but this one’s a little extra), angst (more so internal idk if that needs a warning), fluff/comfort

Taglist: @buckys2thicc @babydaddy-buckybarnes @barnesplums @peggycarter-steverogers @mardema @abitgryffindorky @buckys-blue-eyes @strawberrimae @thatfangirl42 @freigeistundanderes @bucks-bunny @broadwaybabe18 @im-sick-of-failing

Taglist     Masterlist

--------------

Breathe in

Breathe out

In 

Out 

...in…

You felt a tear escape your eyes

Goddamn it

You didn’t want to cry, you couldn’t let yourself. It was stupid, it was just some shitty remark from someone when they were in a shitty mood, it wasn’t your fault, all that bullshit you tried to tell yourself. It never worked.

You were trying to control your breathing, looking up at the ceiling trying to will the tears away, biting your lip. You would not cry, not over this. Not over something that wasn’t worth your tears

Not when you didn’t even know what exactly you were crying over. 

Yet here you were, gripping the edge of the bathroom sink with white knuckles, looking up at the ceiling trying to keep the tears at bay. And it wasn’t working.

Weak sensitive piece of shit. 

What good were you to the team if you cry in the bathroom like a baby every time something remotely stressful happens? People usually cry when they're in pain or when they’re grieving - the only excuse you had was you were stressed or sad. 

You felt another few tears escape and you angrily swiped them away, cursing yourself for being so weak. 

You hated this, you hated yourself. You were so numb most of the time, especially when you were alone. You found yourself alone in your room with racing thoughts feeling like you were falling apart. Yet when you were alone you could only stare at the ceiling wondering if it would get any worse. 

The answer was usually yes.

Whenever you would go on missions with the team, you were able to push aside your stress. You had a job to do and you would do it. But when the mission was over and you were walking back through the rubble - seeing all the blood, destruction, fear - then it would start to get to you. You would panic, you would feel tears cloud your vision. Tears for those you were leaving behind, and those who had nowhere to go, those who lost someone. That was understandable. 

It seemed to affect you more than the others though. It was understandable to be moved by so much destruction. But for you everyone felt like someone you had known and loved. 

You could feel the grief in those left behind, feel the sadness and pain that they were going through. 

The same was true when you weren’t on missions. When those who were on them would come back. Whether they were injured or their eyes were saddened - you knew when a mission was rough. You would listen, you would be there for people. It was easy to talk to you, and you were very wise. 

But it still overwhelmed you. You couldn’t say no, you didn’t want to. You wanted to help but it would be so emotionally taxing for you. So behind closed doors, you would break. Be there for others, listen when they need to talk, others come first - you took their emotional pain onto yourself. 

You were grateful that you could help - but in the process it was hurting you. 

You allowed yourself to feel sad when you were alone in your room. No one could see you be weak in the dark of your room. But you never cried much just from the pure exhaustion of your thoughts. Sometimes you wanted to, just feeling so incredibly empty that you just wanted to have an ugly crying session curled up in bed.

But you didn’t get to make that choice.

The crying wouldn’t come until the absolute worst times. If you had messed up on a mission, if Tony said something a little too harshly because to him everything was a joke, seeing something gruesome on a mission- whenever it came to someone else getting involved, the tears would come. Hell sometimes even being overwhelmed in public would be enough to start the waterworks. 

You always felt so fucking weak for it. The slightest environmental stressor could stress you out too much and move you to tears. You had no reason to be upset most of the time. But you would get angry at yourself for being upset, which would make you more upset that you couldn’t control it, making it harder to control.

It was a vicious cycle.

Lately it had been popping up more and more recently. Smaller things were upsetting you more than usual. You were becoming more sensitive to external stimuli and as a result, you spent as much time as you could in your room. You were embarrassed by yourself. Both by your emotions and by your inability to control them. 

This time you were just upset that you were upset. It had been a long night the day prior, just a lot of paperwork to do. There had been a mission earlier this week that you hadn’t been assigned to, but it had been brutal for everyone who had gone. So far today had been a normal day by anyone’s terms, an emotionally exhausting one for you. One of those where you woke up tired and the thoughts of another day were enough to draw you to tears. Nothing had even happened, but apparently nothing needed to happen. 

Your emotions came and went without your consent. 

You knew deep down it was probably some sort of emotional build up - that whole quote about bottling things up until they got to be too much - it happened every time but you still thought you could handle yourself better than that. You didn’t want to vent or be a problem to anyone. But when you are the emotional support for most of the team and you haven’t been able to get enough sleep or take time for yourself - you didn’t have much of a say as to when the bottle overflows.

A few more tears fell and you slammed your hand on the counter, wiping your tears angrily once more. “God fucking damn it why can’t you just stop fucking crying!” you exclaimed, feeling a few more tears falling “Weak piece of shit!” 

There was knocking on the door, pulling you out of your self deprecating thoughts. You gasped lightly, wiping your face again. 

Knock knock

You jumped a little, gasping slightly. No one was supposed to be here, it was the middle of the night. 

“Y/n? What’s going on in there? Are you alright?”

You took a shaky breath. Of course it would be Bucky who heard you. Why would it be anyone else?

“I’m fine Bucky, it’s late, you should go to sleep.”

“Then why are you still awake?” Bucky responded. You heard him sigh a little outside the door. “Come out here and tell me you’re okay.”

“Really Bucky?”

“Unless you want me to come in there, but I don’t think Stark would appreciate me breaking your door.”

You took a small breath and walked over to the door, opening it. You crossed your arms and met Bucky’s concerned eyes. “I’m fine, Bucky.”

Bucky sighed, taking in your appearance. Red eyes, flushed face, your hair was messy - you were definitely crying. He hated when you wouldn’t admit that you weren’t ok. “You know you don’t have to be, right?”

You clenched your jaw, trying to keep fresh tears from clouding your vision. “What?”

“You say you’re fine, you always say that you’re fine until you break. I heard you crying, I can see that you’re not feeling okay yet still you try to keep a brave face. And I just want you to know that you don’t have to always be okay.”

You let out a breath. “I - i…” you looked down and shook your head, lost for words. 

“Y/n, I’m not here to judge you. Can you try to tell me what’s wrong?”

“I don’t know,” you said looking up at him “It’s literally so stupid, Bucky.”

“Y/n, nothing you say right now is going to sound stupid. 

You shrugged your shoulders, still not quite meeting his eyes. “I don’t know, I just get so worked up sometimes, but it’s stupid. I tell myself I’m not going to be bothered and then I freak out again. The smallest things bother me and I get stressed out and then I cry like some stupid weak bitch. People have it worse than me, God, you have it worse than me. Everyone here has some sort of traumatic awful thing happen to them and then there’s me and I get sad because I see other people sad,” you were crying again and you wiped at your face, covering your eyes. “God Im so fucking stupid I -”

Bucky pulled you into his chest as you let out a sob. “You’re not stupid, y/n.”

“YES I AM. I get worked up over the smallest shit, I don’t listen when people tell me to take breaks, I take everything too personally and I can’t stop fucking crying when I don’t even know what the fuck is wrong!” you exclaimed, trying to push yourself away, ashamed.

Bucky held you tightly, not letting you go. “That’s not your fault. It’s not up to you how your feelings show up.”

“But I cry at the most stupid shit and I can’t control it.”

“You’re not supposed to know how to control it,” he said, pulling back to look at you. “Emotions can’t be controlled. They just happen and it’s rarely convenient.”

“Then why do I feel so weak? If this,” you gestured to yourself “is so goddamn normal then why isn’t everyone else breaking down every other day?” 

Bucky brushed some hair out of your face. “Your emotions are yours, no one else’s. No one has the right to tell you how to feel. Think of it this way - you can’t expect everyone to have the same amount of strength or stamina - no one has the same emotional response either. And that doesn’t make you weak, it makes you you.”

You shook your head. “I just feel so weak all the time.” 

“And I’m here to remind you that crying isn’t weak. You are not a weak person, you are not a bad person, you’re not any of those things your mind tells you. You’re a kind and thoughtful person. You put your heart into everything you do. You help everyone you can. Mourning someone else’s loss isn’t weakness. It’s called empathy.”

You took a small breath. “Then why does it hurt so goddamn much?”

“”I don’t know. And I can’t say for certain that you won’t always feel that way. But I know I can tell you that you aren’t weak, and I’ll be here every time you feel that you are.” 

You nodded your head slightly. “You don’t think I’m weak?” you asked quietly.

He pulled you back into a hug. “Not in the slightest, y/n.”

[sukirichi]

earned it [06]

Gojo Satoru is a firm believer that if you work hard for it then you shall earn it. But on the other side, he’s not unfamiliar with his own sins. He also believes that there is punishment due for his sins as he’s earned it.

cw. attempted murder and suicide, angst ig i feel nothing at this point because NAOYA 😭

notes. i’m rolling with the earned it jokes that reader is shippable with everyone so HAH enjoy this chapter because I didn’t enjoy the last LMAO (IM SO EXCITED FOR TOJI TO APPEAR!)

series masterlist

Your muscles throbbed, the pounding of your heart felt even through your skin. You’ve spent hours in the training room, taking punch by punch, landing blow by blow – yet no matter how hard you tried, you kept falling on your ass. At this point, your backside was beyond sore, skin drenched with sweat and clothes sticking uncomfortably to the surface. Meanwhile, your ‘savior’ barely felt the need to catch his breath, instead gazing down at you with disappointment written all over his face.

“Why do you expect so much from me?” you panted, fists clenched on the mat. “Didn’t you tell me you just needed me to get your money back and that’s it? I didn’t ask for you to do anything so stop telling me I’m indebted to you all the time.”

Naoya clicked his tongue, clearly disappointed by your lack of resolve. Above you, he swept up his cane and finally balanced himself. You previously thought he didn’t struggle because he looked so calm and composed, easily overpowering you even with his injury, but his lips were strained, jaw clenched tight that perhaps he was just good at concealing his pain. It made you shut up and watch his every move; his back faced you – probably to hide whatever fleeting moment of vulnerability he had.

“I won’t always be there to save your sorry life,” he said calmly, “You need to learn how to be strong on your own no matter how tough it gets. Now if you’ll keep complaining instead of finishing your training, I could happily lock you up and force you to do my dirty work for me.”

“Then why don’t you go ahead?!”

“I don’t want to,” Naoya responded without missing a beat. He easily closed the distance with a few staggered steps, his head tilted to the side as he surveyed you.

You wondered what went through his mind. Did he see a weak woman? A woman who must be so helpless, so useless that you stayed there, legs too tired and muscles aching too much you couldn’t move? There was no telling with Naoya, and his guarded gaze didn’t help either. Satoru had always been difficult to read at most, but with Naoya – it was practically impossible.

Even as he cupped your chin and twisted it sideways, his eyes narrowed over all your features like he saw something you didn’t, he was too guarded.

“I need you in taking down Gojo Satoru. In order to accomplish that, I have to use his weakness against him. You showing up won’t be enough. No, I want to hurt him…and what better way than to take what was once his, right? Dangle right in front of his eyes what he let go of, make him regret his actions?” his smile turned dark, and for the first time since you’ve met him, you got a glance of what his heart really looked like.

It wasn’t true that Naoya was heartless – no, he just had a dark, sinister heart that didn’t beat the same tune as others. He played his own music with the bones of his enemies, drinking their lifeline from a gold cup and drowning in them, his ominous laughter the perfect antithetical melody of what could’ve been angelic hums.

“Don’t you want that?”

His question made your heart skipped a beat. This whole time, you’ve been so hell bent on achieving something, but what you wanted to reach had never been clear. You were too driven by emotions, by the pain Satoru’s absence had caused, and now that the opportunity was presented before you, you faltered.

“I don’t know what I want.”

“Well, if you ask me what I want…” he tilts your chin up with his finger “It would be to see you strong enough that even you would be capable of taking me down. So be strong, keep fighting – I’ll be there with you every step of the way. You only have one job, and that is to live. I am not allowing you to give up at the slightest of minor inconveniences.”

“And if I get weak?” you questioned with an oscillating tremor, the bite of his cold skin against your heated ones spiking. “If I want to give up? Would I fail you then?”

“I don’t think you’re someone who cares about failing others, so don’t fret whether you’d please me or not,” Just like that, Naoya’s scornful tone had risen again. He let go of you until you dropped down to your palms, blinking back at the sudden change of atmosphere. “Like I said, just do what you need to do, keep going. Don’t look back or be afraid to take the next big step because I’ll always be there right beside you.”

“Why should I trust you?”

“I’m not asking you to, princess,” he snickered, already half way to the door that only he was allowed to go in. Even though you’ve been staying in his manor for quite some time, there were still some things Naoya didn’t trust you with, leaving you only more curious to find out the secrets within.

“Only time will tell. But once you’ve made your decision, know that my ring is always waiting beside your table,” his voice echoed through the large room, stopping in his tracks to look at you once more. This time, he had no haunting features, only the cold emptiness likened to staring back to an infinite void of nothingness.

“I expect an answer when I get home.”

You still remembered the day you decided to wear his ring. Naoya had come then, tired and aggravated from matters he didn’t bother explaining. You stood on his doorway, lips shut tight as you nervously fiddled with your ring, unsure if whether you should tell him or allow him to piece the puzzle himself.

Thankfully, Naoya was a lot more observant than you gave him credit for.

His eyes slid over your face before he followed the motion of your fingers, smirking as the jewel glinted under the bright lights of his home. Wise choice, he’d once told you, and you believed it.

Your life hadn’t been the same ever since. Your spontaneous marriage equated to hellish training of perfecting your image as his trophy wife, spending hours in his secret laboratory and discussing business plans through a glass of wine. Naoya wasn’t around much to teach you everything and it pained him to be your own trainer too so you had to ask help from his guards, refusing to give up and fall down even as your muscles screamed at you to take a break. For Naoya, with Naoya, giving up and running away felt like a myth; a buried solution in the past that should never be brought up again. But now that he was gone, you did exactly that.

You’d given up. Satoru had made you run away.

“Miss,” a deep voice cut you from your thoughts. You tore your gaze away from the  glowing night city of Milan to turn to Satoru’s right hand man, the tall figure looming rather shyly instead of imposingly. “You haven’t eaten since we got here. Would you like anything? Mr. Gojo will cover your expenses.”

“I want to go home.”

He froze at your deadpan statement. Finally meeting your gaze under his lashes, Geto pursed his lips. “You know we can’t do that, Miss. It’s unsafe back in Japan.”

“And who’s to say Toji won’t follow us here?” you snapped, pushing your weight off the Cleopatra set and uncrossing your legs. “Why can’t your stupid boss just activate the account and give it back to us? I think we’ve made it clear we’re more than capable of handling our finances, and I’m pretty sure Satoru doesn’t need any more money when he can afford all this.”

“Mr. Gojo…has his reasons for everything he does.”

You laughed bitterly. Maybe it was the fact that Satoru had left this morning for whatever business he had that you didn’t have anyone else to let your anger out to that you’d swiped your gun under your thigh holster and dashed his way.

Geto’s back slammed against the wall, the cool barrel of your gun pressed to his jaw. He swallowed nervously, eyes darting to your weapon, and you laughed heartlessly. “Oh, please, do tell because nothing makes sense,” you crooned, flipping the safety off and letting your heated gaze meet his rather docile ones. You almost felt bad for him. Almost.

“I could easily put a bullet through your head and hijack his plane. I’ll be gone before you know it and who’s to stop me from doing that? Why should I stay here any longer with you?”

“Because your husband asked you to,” Geto responded softly. You stepped back with wide eyes, yesterday’s event crashing all over you once again. He must’ve sensed you no longer held any hostility because he used his pointer finger to move the barrel away from him, gently peeling your hands off his suit. “Because you know, if you go back to Japan, there will be nothing waiting for you there.”

You balled your fists. “I will kill Fushiguro Toji myself. Then I’ll kill Satoru.”

“Even if he used to be your lover?”

“Especially because he used to be my lover.”

Okay…maybe your plan of escaping and returning to Japan hadn’t worked out that well. Exhaustion finally crept up to your senses that you passed out not long after attacking Geto – who reassured you to no end he wasn’t mad you tried to kill him – and days have passed ever since. You hated to admit it, but being stuck in an overseas hotel wasn’t so bad. Geto’s presence was a lot more comforting than his master’s that you didn’t mind having him watch your every move. Plus, he was really nice to immediately follow your every whim. You wanted hot chocolate? Extra pillows? A really expensive wine that you refused to pay for because you were petty and dramatic? He provided it all without question.

Except he probably should have, because you’d stripped off to your underwear, head tipped back to take one final swig of the nearly empty bottle as you slid deeper into the tub.

Your fiery nature of rolling your eyes at Satoru every time he came around (which was rare, for some reason) couldn’t fool anyone – not even yourself. The moment Geto retired to the living room, you would bite the pillows to muffle your cries, thinking back to when Naoya was still alive. It was an endless torment of what if you had stayed, what if you had pushed the rubble off him, what if you just saved him?

Would he still be alive? Would he have survived? Would you be back with him in the Zen’in Estate instead of holding your breath under the tub in a desperate attempt to conceal your tears?

It hurt so bad. It hurt everywhere.

Your lungs begged you to rise up and breathe, but you stayed still under the water, eyes shut tight and hands clenched around the tub’s edges so hard your knuckles turned white. Soon, you grew dizzy and your grip slipped away. Finally, fucking finally, you were falling, falling way too deep that your legs bent inside the tub. Bubbles erupted from your lips in one last breath. At the back of your mind, you let out a sincere laugh for you’d meet your husband soon. He’d be disappointed, probably scold you all the way to the afterlife – until strong arms pulled you out of the tub and into someone’s chest instead.

“Shit, what are you doing?! You could’ve drowned!”

You coughed out water and fisted Satoru’s button-up shirt that had now clung to his skin from the water. Looking around you, you were still very much alive, the uncomfortable twisting of your heart a painful reminder of that. Above you, Satoru sat you in his lap while he remained cross-legged on the floor, muttering curses under his breath as he wrapped a towel around you.

Scoffing, you pushed his hands away, though you kept the towel anyway to lessen your shivering. Why the fuck was the AC so damn strong here?

“Dying seems like a better option, don’t you think?” you snarled at him, teeth chattering from the chill that had begin to seep in.

Momentarily, you worried on how much of a hot mess you probably looked like. Smudged eyeliner, wine-stained lips, unbrushed hair and remnants of the wine mixing with the once clear bath water – you shook your head at the thought and glared at Satoru.

“Where the fuck have you been?”

“I was out contacting friends to ask for help. We’re going to need a hundred pairs of eyes watching anywhere that Toji could possibly come through.”

“Is this your pathetic idea of ‘keeping me safe’? Locking me up in this stupid hotel and having your man watch me all the time?” you pushed yourself off him, the sudden motion of standing up giving you wobbly legs. Satoru reached over to steady you but you slapped his hand away, your glare warning him to not take another step.

Seeing his face, seeing him worried as if he didn’t just cause your life to turn into absolute hell, you wanted to grab the wine bottle and smash it right at his pretty face. He had no right to look at you with pity.

You hated him, utterly and terribly despised this man with your entire being.

“What are you really planning, Satoru? Why can’t we just come back home and attack Toji with all we’ve got? Why don’t you just give back our fucking money so we can end all this for once and for all and I can leave?!”

“Because I don’t have the money!”

“What?”

“The money…” Satoru’s back slid off the wall, his palm coming up to thread through his hair. He sounded weak, defeated. “I don’t have it.”

“Gojo,” you snatched him by the collar, teeth bared as you demanded, “What do you mean you don’t have it?”

Satoru paled. “When I stole the money from the Zen’ins, the figures were all fake. They’re not real, there’s no actual money hidden behind their accounts and it was too late before I realized that,” his lips trembled as he continued, “Whatever Toji placed in there, it’s not his actual account where he hides everything and it would make sense too because I stole it too easily – almost as if they wanted me to take it. A few hacks here and there and it was immediately wired to me but after meeting you…” Satoru shook his head, chin dropped down low. “I checked again and the account never existed. It’s a fake one. The digits are just there for show.”

“So then why would Toji want it? Why did my husband have to die for nothing?!”

“I don’t know, okay, I don’t know anything!” he argued back until your faces grew closer, his nose brushing with yours.

Somehow, you couldn’t pull away. His knees had drawn up, forcing you to rest on his thighs as you both breathed heavily, your grip on his collar almost havered.

“Whatever the Zen’ins are hiding, that’s beyond me. I may be in the business for far longer than they have, but they have always been notorious with their possessions that I’m not surprised even I can’t find where it really leads back to. Whatever Toji is hiding there, your husband must’ve known something about it. Why else would they fight tooth and bone over it?”

“If there was, Naoya would’ve told me about it.”

“He would if he trusted you,” Satoru suddenly grabbed your wrist and shook it until you stared at your ring. “How are you even so sure he could trust you with that information? Have you forgotten you’re just a pawn to his game and you’re nothing but a bed warmer?”

“Don’t you ever speak about us that way. You don’t know how much he cared for me.”

“If he really did, then why didn’t he tell you why his cousin is after you? He’s using you as bait, Y/N. I’m not the bad guy here. That man you’re so deeply in love with? I can’t guarantee he’s better than me. We’re all men in the mafia, love is the last thing we would care about.”

You pushed yourself off him.

His words stung too much, not because it was a lie, but because you know there was some sort of truth ringing behind it. You trudged out of the bathroom and sat on the bed, unstirred by the fact you dripped all over the carpeted floor. From behind you, Satoru’s rushed footsteps echoed, but you didn’t care. You simply threw on a robe with your back turned to him.

“And you’d know that better than everyone right? Considering how easy it was for you to leave me?” When Satoru didn’t respond, you chuckled humorlessly and sat on the bed. “What Naoya and I had…it was a friendship that healed my soul. I don’t…I don’t know what to do without him.”

“Friendship?”

You smiled sadly. “I wasn’t actually in love with him, idiot. Men like Naoya don’t know what love is, but he sure does know how to protect family.”

The notion of talking about him, of accepting that maybe he really was gone…somewhat reliving.

Satoru was the last person you wanted to talk to your late husband about, but Geto – which is the much better company – wasn’t around, and you hugged your knees to yourself, refusing to let Satoru see through your vulnerability.

“You know, I trusted him more than I did myself. He was always there for me, no matter what. His soul was dark, angry, corrupted – he’s not the man I would fall for, but despite all that, he was the friend I needed,” you buried your face in your knees, voice muffled as you cried, your heart shattering again and again and again.

The ring on your finger had never felt so heavy ever since you wore it.

“I loved him as much as I hated you.”

Satoru was silent, so much so that you wondered if he was even in the same room at all. You sat there crying, too hopeless to even try to conceal it anymore. Shivering, you close your eyes and forced the image of Naoya’s last moments away from your memories, desperately praying to whoever had mercy that you could just forget all about it.

“Geto told me you tried to kill him,” Satoru murmured after a beat, “You could’ve easily escaped and went back to Japan if you wanted to, so why didn’t you? Was it because of me?”

You remembered what you tried to do today.

Just like that, Naoya was alive once more. You were brought back to the day of your wedding when he’d clasped your sweaty, clammy hands in his, rubbing some warmth in them before pressing a kiss at the top of your knuckles. He’d asked you to promise him something then – an entire contrast from his constants orders over your well-being – and it was a promise you’d momentarily forgotten; a promise you’d broken out of mourning.

“Naoya once told me,” you reminisced through dry, cracked lips and even more shattered heart, the picture of his disappointment as clear as day. “Death was the only place he can go where he would never allow me to follow.”

It took a lot, but it somehow got better. After allowing yourself a faint moment of weakness where Naoya resurfaced in your mind to remind you of our promise and your purpose, you felt stronger, somewhat steadier with each step you took. You were still wary around Satoru, although that was a given.

His friend, Geto, was really nice, on the other hand, and you couldn’t explain why you always lowered your guard around the formal dark-haired assistant.

You and Geto were playing chess when Satoru barged in out of nowhere, a plate and a syrup condenser on his hand. “So I got you breakfast,” was his greeting, nodding at Geto once as a silent order to give you two privacy. You pouted as the latter left, but soon your attention had been diverted to the heavenly aroma filling in your senses. Seeing your approval, Satoru hid a smile behind his dark sunglasses. “Still like pancakes?”

“Trying to get into my good graces now?”

“I’m just trying to cheer you up.”

You rolled your eyes but snatched the plate from him anyway. “So I talked to my lawyer,” you begun, pouring syrup all over the fluffy bread until it was almost spilling to the sides. Beside you, Satoru’s snickers were barely muffled, to which you ignored wholeheartedly. “They’ve already processed my inheritance over Naoya’s possessions and assets. Once we return to Japan, I’ll be the next leader of the Zen’in Clan, much to the disappointment of his elders, of course, but they can’t do anything about it,” you informed him with your fork hanging in mid-air, the words falling thickly. “You know what that means, don’t you?”

“That we’re back to being enemies?”

You offered him a sarcastic smile. “Naoya lied about strengthening his alliance with your family. He doesn’t actually give a fuck about you.”

“I figured that much,” he snickered to himself, shifting his weight until his elbows rested on his thighs. “Listen…a friend of mine is flying to Milan tonight to meet us. They have strong connections with banks all over the world and they brought in some information about that hidden Zen’in account. I think we’re finally getting off to somewhere and finding out what really is in there,” Satoru gauged for your reaction, but you kept eating – more like stuffing the pancakes inside your mouth for you were finally free of having to act perfect without your husband.

Satoru’s hand landed on top of yours. “I promise…I’ll give it back to right where it belongs. As soon as it’s wired back to you, I’m setting you free.”

You stared at the unwanted figure over you, and you snatched your hand back, waving a bread knife below his lashes. “You can’t set me free when I was never yours,” you sang breathily, the tip of the blade hovered right at his lips. Satoru raised a brow at you, but you quickly retrieved the knife back with widened eyes. “Now that you mention it…I think Naoya told me something about his family stashing secret weapons and even heirlooms through offshore accounts and buried under islands. He was a little sleepy during that time but I remember it,” pushing the plate away from you as you lost your appetite, you clutched your palms under your chin in thought. “He said he was looking for something he lost as a child, possibly an heirloom.”

“He’s doing all this for heirlooms?” Satoru immediately coughed his words back when you glared at him, raising his hands in surrender. “I mean, I was just saying. I didn’t think he was a sentimental type of guy.”

“The question here is what both Toji and Naoya could’ve both wanted from that account. It’s not just an heirloom, obviously there’s something there worth more than money,” You argued and slapped your knees, heading straight to your (unfortunately) shared room. “Whatever. I’ll get this over with as soon as I get the money back.”

Satoru, as always, was hot on your heels. It annoyed you how he trailed over you like some sort of puppy or shadow – Naoya had always been too classy to not give you space.

The difference between them just kept getting more and more uncannily obvious.

“Whoa there, stop. Did you really think I’d give back the money to you and that’s it? Are you forgetting the fact Toji is out there to kill you just so he can have his hands on it?”

“He can have the money for all I fucking care,” you shrugged and sat on your bed, scrolling through numerous piles of emails and records that Naoya entrusted you to keep. Surely you could find something. “I just need to find whatever Naoya’s spent his whole life killing for.”

“Why don’t you care about the money? Didn’t Naoya expect you to take over his business?”

Your thumb froze over a file. Suddenly, your throat grew dry, and you quickly flashed Satoru a stinky eye. “I-it’s not my main concern.”

“It’s not safe for you. If Toji finds out—”

Got it. You bookmarked an email Naoya had forwarded you around three years ago and resent it to an old friend, pocketing the phone back to your pyjamas before Satoru could see. “I’ll handle it. I’ve been doing well so far before you came into our lives again,” you finalized, stopping for a bit as you waited for that all-too familiar footfall matching with yours, only for the room to be coated in silence.

Satoru stood there on the other side of the room, eyes deep in thought before he sighed. “I’ll meet you at the hotel restaurant tonight. We have a lot to discuss on what our next move should be,” nodding once, Satoru left the room.

The hotel room was eerily silent.

Dinner came around faster than you expected. With Geto out to run some errands for Satoru, something about ‘establishing bases’ or whatever, you were locked in your room, using Naoya’s black card to get enough amount of clothing to last you for your stay here. Even though Satoru had promised he’d take care of everything, you didn’t want to be in his debt for any longer. You weren’t his, you were Naoya’s, and you shot down his curious looks when heaps of shopping bags had been delivered to your door.

An hour later, you left the room, struggling to zipper the back of your dress. Satoru was already in the living room buttoning up his suit jacket, just as handsome as ever (though you’d never tell him that.)

His hands froze in the last button once his eyes landed on you, and you huffed at him, too distressed to even act cute or bothered while pointing to your dress. Satoru strode to you in three long steps, his cold fingers brushing against the dip of your spine when he clutched on the zipper.

You had to bite your lip down to prevent the shivers from spilling through, his lips dangerously close to your ear as he whispered, “You look great.”

“You’re not so bad yourself.”

If Satoru was bothered by the lack of sincerity in your voice, he didn’t comment on it. He removed his hands from you and watched as you slipped black velvet gloves through your arms – just in case you had to end up killing someone; leaving fingerprints was a risk you couldn’t take.

“Did you really get dressed to kill?”

“I came here to negotiate,” you corrected, “I’ll do everything I can to find out whatever’s behind that offshore account. And you, sir,” Frowning at him, you pulled Satoru closer by the tie, perhaps a little too harshly since he nearly knocked his head with yours. He was quick to steady himself as you fixed his tie, flattening it down with your fingers. “You need to know where you should stick your nose in. This is more my business than yours so don’t get in my way acting all hero and shit. I assure you I can handle myself.”

“You’re really going to berate me for worrying about you?”

“You can no longer worry about me,” you disclosed, snatching your black purse from the counter before doing the come hither motion at his shock-still figure. “Now let’s go. We have a case to crack.”

“Case to crack? You sure sound like a detective.”

You snickered, but made no further comment. The elevators dinged and you arrived at the restaurant, which you really regretted not visiting soon enough because the place was grand. Red carpeted floors, golden chandeliers, soft jazz music playing in the background as the lights dimmed down low, the faint clinking of utensils against plates and light chatter of the guests so heartbreakingly nostalgic.

It seemed that even after his death, Naoya had every intention to never leave your side. The setting reminded you too much of your never-ending late night fancy dinners.

Naoya being Naoya, he didn’t blink twice in flaunting his money and renting out entire restaurants all for himself, claiming that he just ‘wanted to have an intimate moment with his wife.’ Sure, it mostly consisted of you discussing what move you should make next, but it was the most affectionate gesture you’ve received after spending years in the quiet and cold environment of the Zen’in Estate.

The outside world wasn’t any better when you and Naoya were marked as targets by the entire government, so it made sense, that only with him that you’d find comfort in.

You must be so out of it you never even noticed Satoru leading you to your seat, a warm meal that should’ve been comforting right under your nose. It was too much – too similar that you headed straight for the wine, ignoring Satoru’s questioning gaze. You noticed from the corner of his eye that he opened his mouth too many times in an attempt to make light conversation, but this dinner wasn’t for you to rekindle your old flame.

No, you were here to wait for his ‘friend’ and review important matters. You were determined to fulfill that purpose alone and only that alone that you never once made eye contact with him, even standing up to reach the salt shaker near him instead of asking him to pass it.

Just as you leaned back to your seat, the music grew louder. A foreign man walked to the stage where he was basked in the spotlight, all heads turning to him when he tapped the microphone, sending little echoes all over the hall. “Ladies and gentlemen, let’s loosen up tonight with a drink and bring our lovers out here on the dance floor,” he sang while swaying side to side, snapping his fingers to the beat that had turned into calming to sensual. “It is a fine evening, isn’t it? Come on, don’t be shy, the night is still so young!”

You dropped your fork beside the plate. “Did you know about this?”

“I swear, I had no idea.”

“Those two attractive lovers in table 42, the dance floor is still much too spacious!”

“Pretty vulgar for a five star hotel,” you commented under your breath and dabbed the pasta sauce off your lips with a napkin, slapping it down the table as you stood up – much to Satoru’s surprise who’d tried to make himself invisible from the host’s eyes. Stupid him; did he really think he could blend in with his sunglasses and snow white hair?

If you were to be honest, you’d rather choke on shrimp than dance with him, but you had an image to upkeep. If you couldn’t gather with the crowd and pretend to be one with others, both your true natures would be fished out even with innocent eyes. You were left with no choice but to be comfortable in the dance floor, sighing deeply as you placed your hands down on Satoru’s wide shoulders. He furrowed his brows at you but said nothing else; strong, cautious hands sliding down from your back before they settled at the curve of your hips.

“Keep your hands to yourself, Mister. I won’t hesitate to stab a fork through your jugular right here.”

“Oh, don’t worry, I know you’re not my little angel anymore.”

Angel. It was what he used to call you back then – when you were still but an innocent, naïve being who never believed in monsters until you fell for one.

He was right; you were no longer his angel. The woman he loved had been left abandoned in the street, the purity of her soul tainted with anger and heartbreak that soon bathed in blood and the need for revenge. His angel was no more – the woman he danced with was nothing but a replica of the face and body he adored the most. Now, you danced with him, not as his angel and neither as his rival’s wife, but simply as a woman whose kindness had long vanished into thin air.

Satoru danced with the devil.

And he should be disgusted just as you should be repulsed with how sickeningly smooth and graceful he was in everything he did, but the wine – yes, it was the fucking wine – messed with you that you actually enjoyed it. Your bodies moved in rhythm and syncopated with the beat, the romantic high notes of the violin and the tender embrace of deep trebles like a classical painting coming to life and you were its subjects to be expressed.

Perhaps…you were just sad. You grieved and mourned too much you’d momentarily forgot what love was, in turn making you forget what it felt like to be constantly unsafe and peeking over your shoulder in case someone tried to kill you.

Satoru just felt so warm, so safe and alive that you found your head dipping lower, your muscles relaxing around his soothing and undeniably tender touch, the space between your bodies diminishing until you surrendered to the power of your desire. You were so close, your ear about to press on his chest to listen to the blissful sound of someone’s reassuring heartbeat along with the music, and then you saw him.

A tuft of blonde hair, a chiseled face, a nude cream suit and a deep blue shirt beneath – what the fuck was he doing here?

The spell was broken in an instant.

Satoru must’ve been under the same trance for his hand trailed lower to pull you closer, your chests grazing with one another before you placed your palm flat on his body, lips thinned into a grim look that resonated with the sick, twisting feeling in your guts.

“I,” you croaked out, clearing your throat when it went dry. “I need to go to the ladies.”

You left Satoru without another word, bunching your dress up to run to where he had disappeared. He was still walking coolly and inspecting the paintings hung in the empty lobby with faux interest – although knowing him, the bastard probably did enjoy classical pieces and studied about them in his free time; which he didn’t have much to begin with.

As if sensing your presence, he stopped right in front of a replica of The Sleeping Venus, his hands dug deep in his pockets. “The shape of being is the visual demonstration of a state of being in which idealized existence is suspended in immutable slow-breathing harmony. All the sensuality has been distilled off from this sensuous presence, and all incitement; Venus denotes not the act of love but the recollection of it. The perfect embodiment of Giorgione’s dream, she dreams his dream herself,” he narrates in his baritone voice, “A little cordial, is it not?”

You took your gun out from your thigh holster and lowered it right at the back of his skull. “Don’t move another inch.”

“No need to be so hostile in a public setting, Y/N. I’m only here to look out for you and making sure you’re not forgetting who you are. Killing me isn’t part of the plan.”

“Neither was murdering my husband,” you growled, pushing the barrel harder against him, though the man didn’t budge before you. “I know that it wasn’t Toji who set off the bomb, Kento, you did.”

“We simply saw an opportunity that couldn’t be wasted. Two notorious mafia leaders in an unsuspecting supposed safe environment?” The fact he didn’t even deny it left you speechless. Kento spun around until your gun rested between his eyes, and he languidly pushed his glasses up his high nose as he looked down on you. “We could’ve killed two birds with one stone had you not been in the way.”

“You guys are out to kill me too now?”

“Don’t act too surprised. The Organization isn’t patient enough to wait for both leaders to die.”

“So you killed my husband?!” you argued, “He was my friend, I told you not to touch him!”

“Only in the exchange that you hand him to us,” Kento echoed, jogging your memory until you were kept up to date. “But it’s been five years and what has happened so far? You’re fraternizing with the enemy and even manufacturing drugs for your so-called husband. Now that he’s dead, you’re here in Italy, looking as stunning as ever as you wine and dine with a former lover,” Kento tilted his head to the side to study your appearance – smiling at how you seemed too bright and fashionable for a woman in supposed mourning.

“I hardly believe you’re actually affected by this at all.”

“How dare you! I’ve proven to no end my loyalty of the higher-ups!”

Kento didn’t bat an eye at your outburst. If anything, he stepped closer to your weapon. “Kill me if you wish, Y/N, but know the moment you put a bullet in my head, the Organization will place you on the same pedestal as Naoya’s and Gojo’s. I wouldn’t recommend such methods considering we’re already at unease on whose side you’re really on. If you do this, you will be our enemy.”

“I did everything for the Organization. What else would you want from me?”

“The contract was easy. We want both leaders – whether dead or alive – in our custody. If you don’t hold your side of the deal, it’s not only your life that we’ll take from you,” Kento pulled out a red coin that made your heart sink deep into your stomach for it served as a threat over the consequences of your actions.

He lowered your gun with the coin and smirked at you, his lips right beside the shell of your ear as he purred, “I suggest you be careful with what step of action you take next.”

“Oi, Nanami, you’re here!” Satoru’s voice suddenly boomed in the hallway. Nanami was as unbothered as ever from taking a step away from you, nodding to your gun which you quickly concealed right before Satoru arrived. You were frozen – rendered immobile with the flashing red metal from his palm – that you couldn’t even protest against Satoru wrapping an arm around your shoulders. “I see you’ve met Mrs. Zen’in already.”

“Hmm, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Madam,” taking your hand in his, Kento’s eyes were nothing but eerie as he kissed your knuckles. “Shall we start our discussion?”

SUKI RANTS! Nanami quoted Sydney Joseph Friedberg (an art critic) in one of his dialogues. A little backstory on the painting was that the portrait was originally made by Giorgone, who had a student and also his lover (if I’m not mistaken) called Titian. Giorgone never finished the portrait because he died from the plague but Titiane finished it for him, symbolizing that Y/N still has a mission that connected her from Naoya even after his death and she has to finish something he started. The portrait is of a nude woman that symbolized oneness of nature and that the woman isn’t posed for the gaze of men, but rather they are dreaming, hence the quote: “Venus denotes not the act of love but the recollection of it. The perfect embodiment of Giorgione’s dream, she dreams his dream herself.” Nanami said the painting’s meaning resonated with Y/N’s situation too much since she wasn’t in love with Naoya, but she had a recollection of their moments that still represented their relationship, and that Naoya’s dream (goals) are also shared by Reader. I was gonna ask you guys what your theories are on that scene but I think this makes me sound cooler if I explain it so *lip bite emoji because I’m still broken over Naoya’s death*

taglist open (lmk if you want to be added/removed):

@sixeyesgojo @shingekiyofeels @q-the-rockaholic @whatthefuckisthatthing @rogueofbullshit @kat-su-ki @kellyyween @sebootyforlife @asshxcm @charlie-xo @aoi-turtle @ladywaifuuwrites @savantsoulfinder @my-reality-is-in-my-head @hannya-quinn @90s-belladonna @tinyfrogsinmybrain @kinekyuroo @evesmores @ambiguous-something @lilith412426 @kakashiharusohma @aizawap @yumeneji @dora-the-grownup @jotazinha @themrsgojo @d34r-s4t4n @marai-t @toji-bee @hai-cool @badsadbby @stesphy @peach-buns-unicorns @misslezah @gracefullyfallinglikeanime @iwaplant​ @mikiminaccch​ @riri-marley​ | bolded users cannot be tagged

[fairyoftbz]

insecurities | l. juyeon

🧸 pairing: idol!juyeon x (insecure) fem!reader 🧸 word count: 2.7k 🧸 genre: angst, fluffy end 🧸 tw: mentions of insecurities, doubts 🧸 a/n: sorry i forgot to post, i had a busy day and im exhausted, i hope it's gonna be enough! 🧸 requested: yes! thank you, it is very cliché but i hope this is what you had in mind! 💝

╰☆☆☆☆╮

Juyeon came home tired but happy, excited to see you again after a long day of intense practice and a show where he participated as an MC. You, on the other hand, were not as happy as he was, but you were for sure tired of something.

You couldn’t deny it, dating Juyeon had positive points, he was everything you could ask for in a man, but there were just as many negative points. He was an attractive, sweet gentleman, and it was almost impossible for him not to attract other girls, not even doing it on purpose. And it was one of your many insecurities even if you considered yourself pretty, you couldn’t help but get insecure every time he talked to someone else.

Because let’s be honest, in the Korean music industry, every single woman looks like an absolute goddess. So, when he interacts with someone, and they’re a bit too friendly, your heart pinches in pain as he gives them the smile he keeps for you and you only.

You think that they are more interesting, prettier and funnier than you, which has the ability to send your thoughts to the dark side of self-consciousness, not feeling pretty or enough next to those women. And tonight, it was hard to watch on National TV your boyfriend being extremely friendly with the other MC.

You had tried to comfort yourself that it was just a mask, that he had to look friendly and handsome on TV. However, you couldn’t help feeling disappointment and anger as he gave attentive eyes to the other MC as she explained something, his eyes falling on her lips pressed against the mic.

Juyeon walks through the main door, tossing his keys on the chest of drawers, getting rid of his jacket and shoes before joining you in the living room, happy to see that you were watching the same channel he appeared on. Eyes glued on the screen, your thumb rubbed against your lips, feeling the skin of the cuticles you scratched while watching your boyfriend feeling rough against your lips.

“Hi love,” he said as he sat next to you, pressing his lips on your cheek. You didn’t react, only emitting a slight hum as he sat comfortably.

Juyeon frowned but didn’t raise your bad mood, trying to think what was going on inside your head. Maybe you had a bad day, or you were just tired, despite scratching his head and think, he couldn’t pinpoint what had brought you in such a bad mood.

“Did you have fun?” you bitterly spat, and Juyeon’s eyes widened, surprised by your tone, the wrinkle on his forehead deepening as his brows furrowed at your attitude.

“I did. Are you mad or something?” he bluntly asked, and you sighed, taking the remote to turn the TV off, falling in an unpleasant, uncomfortable silence.

“Oh no, I’m super fine. I really enjoyed my boyfriend giving heart eyes to another girl on national TV, it was such a nice thing to watch,” you bitterly chuckled, and Juyeon’s eyes widened even more, not expecting you to pull out the jealousy card on that.

“Babe, what are you talking about? You know-”

“Please, spare me your fake confusion and lame excuses, I clearly saw what I saw. My eyes never deceive me,” you said while standing up, but Juyeon was quick to imitate you and grab your wrist to prevent you from walking away. You tried to free yourself from his grip, but he only tightened his hand around it.

“Juyeon, let me go,” you said through clenched teeth, trying to prevent the tears from escaping your eyes. Breaking down was the last thing you wanted to do in this situation.

“Not before you explain to me what this fuss is all about,” he said, irritation replacing confusion in his eyes. You let out a mocking scoff, your eyes filled with anger and disdain boring into your boyfriend’s, holding eye contact for a few seconds.

“You really think I’m this dumb? I clearly saw the eyes you gave to the other MC when you were both animating the show. Cracking jokes, giving her smiles that could outshine the sun, your eyes ogling her lips when she was talking or smiling. Did you really think I wouldn��t catch that?” you raised your voice, letting anger take over your body.

“I never did all of that, I don’t know what you are insinuating,” he spat, trying not to show it, but your words hurt him, hating the fact that you could imagine him cheat on you or fancy another girl.

“Go on social media then, you will see what I am ‘insinuating’! Everyone is already talking about how whipped you are and how cute of a couple you would look together. Some fans are even starting to make edits!” you shouted, shoving your phone in your hoodie’s front pocket.

Juyeon sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose to calm his nerves a bit, a gesture that had the ability to enrage you even more. Your family used to do that when they found you annoying or wanted to belittle you, and now seeing Juyeon doing the exact same thing as them really made you even more insecure about this whole situation. Your family made you feel like a real burden during your childhood and teen years that it hurt you to think that Juyeon was probably agreeing with that thought right now.

“Y/N, I don’t know what you are talking about. I was just trying to be nice, I can’t be rude or it’s mine and the group’s reputation that I’ll take down with me-”

“No it’s okay, no need to explain yourself, the message was very clear,” you said, and you finally freed yourself from his grip, your heart breaking as Juyeon sighed in annoyance again, seeing him almost roll his eyes.

“It’s not what I meant, and you know it. Don’t react like that, please,” he started, but you waved your hand in front of you.

“No, no, I got it, you-”

“Y/N, for the love of God, stop being so fucking insecure, it’s getting so fucking annoying at this point! I can’t do anything without you getting fucking doubtful, start having faith in me and in this relationship, dammit!” your eyes widened as Juyeon eventually snapped, his mouth slowly closing as he stared at you, realisation hitting him that his words and tone made a lot of damage once he saw the tears gather in your eyes and roll down your cheeks.

The couch separated the two of you, creating the illusion of a painful wall that made you shiver, feeling like your apartment had lost all of its warmth on the spur of the moment. His words were brutal, and they bounced around your skull, your head turning towards the corridor to swallow the lump forming in your throat, trying not to break down in front of him.

“Y/N, I’m-”

“Leave me alone,” you replied, voice wavering as you walked out of the living room, slamming the bedroom door shut before locking it.

Juyeon sighed and carded his hands through his dark locks, closing his eyes as he thought of the words that had escaped his mouth too quickly. He cursed under his breath as the living room fell into a deafening silence, his hands linked at the back of his neck as he thought of what just happened.

“Why did I say that,” he muttered under his breath and collapsed on the couch, unlocking his phone and scrolling on social media to try and momentarily forget your beautiful face painted with a hurtful expression because of him, but it was to no avail.

He saw what you saw; the fiction, the edits, the collages, he saw and read everything. He already hated seeing you cry and being hurt, but he actually loathed himself for being such an idiot and not comfort you about the whole situation with what was happening on every social platform.

His heart shattered in millions of pieces as he pictured you crying in your shared bed, holding the stuffed animal he got you for your anniversary tight against your chest, letting you drown in your insecurities and intrusive thoughts. He loved you very much, but despite him trying to remind you every single day, your intrusive thoughts always managed to get the upper hand when you found yourself hanging out on your own or with some friends. It was as if your brain shut out everyone who tried to reassure you or make you feel better, letting you drown and struggle in your sorrow.

Yes, the other idols were pretty, but they were nothing compared to you. Juyeon had only eyes for you and cared about you and, of course, his members, but never had he thought about leaving you for someone else. His intentions were just to sound and appear nice and welcoming on TV because he knew that some fans, antis and media wouldn’t hesitate a second to bash him on different platforms and articles for his rudeness and insensitivity towards his idol colleague. And not only would he break his reputation, but also the group’s, and that’s the last thing he wanted.

However, he also understood that it was something hard to watch for you, even if he reminded you every single day that you were the only one that mattered in his eyes.

Sitting on the couch, he started reflecting, putting himself in your shoes for a second. How would he have reacted if he saw you being super friendly and affectionate to another man? Someone more handsome, nicer than him, cracking jokes here and there to see you smile and laugh.

He tossed his phone on the couch space next to him, where he wished you were instead of crying yourself in your shared bed, watching the device bounce, collide with the armrest and fall on the ground. He didn’t even fret checking if the screen cracked, head too high in his thoughts to bother.

Resting his elbows on his knees, he pressed his joined hands against his mouth, tongue poking his inner cheek as he realised he had really messed everything up. His knee started bouncing at the disgusting thought of losing you, perfectly knowing that he had to do something before you could slip through his hand like grains of sand.

Juyeon stood up and knocked on the bedroom door, softly calling for your name.

“Y/N?” he asked, and you didn’t respond, faintly hearing you cry on the other side of the wall. “Go away, please,” your strained voice barely making it to his ears, his fingers drumming against the surface of the door in frustration.

From your side of the bed, still holding that teddy bear close to your chest, you let your tears damp the top of its head, feeling the exhaustion of crying kicking in. Juyeon didn’t knock another time, trying not to push your buttons too much to save his chances to talk to you.

You heard a small thud on the lower part of the door, frowning as you wondered what it was. Deep breathings filled in the silence lingering in the corridor, selfishly feeling a bit relieved that you weren’t the only one hurt in this situation. Juyeon was a smart, tolerant man, he knew when to put his pride aside and not blame you for something you said or did. Well, it’s not the case for this time, and it’s probably exhaustion that spoke for him, and that, of course, doesn’t excuse anything, but he wanted to apologise and make up for everything.

“I know you probably don’t want to see me or hear my voice after what I’ve told you, but I really want to apologise for what I’ve said,” you held your breath to hear his faint, low voice on the other side of the door. You sat up and felt dizzy for a quick second, still holding the teddy bear against your chest, your face buried in its head as you let the tears keep rolling on your cheeks.

“I know it’s hard to date me, and I’m really sorry, I wish we had a simpler life, where we could hang out and go on dates like two normal people. It’s also hard for me to not be the type of boyfriend everyone wishes to have, but I’m so damn grateful to call you mine.” Juyeon marked a pause and ruffled his hair, pushing the front pieces away from his hair while thinking of his following words.

“I… you don’t know how much I’m sorry for using your insecurities against you. I shouldn’t have, it was the dumbest move I could ever do, but I just didn’t know what to answer. You are so pretty, so beautiful, amazing, and absolutely wonderful to have around to me, so seeing you this insecure makes me mad every time you compare yourself to someone you think looks prettier, thinner, or more perfect than you. It’s... really frustrating because I try my best to make you feel like a goddess and worth it every day, but those unrealistic society standards and god damn social media make you feel like you are not worth an ounce of love,” he took in a big breath and raised his knees upwards, letting his forearms rest on them.

You slowly opened the door behind him and dropped the teddy bear by his side, letting him know of your presence. He was quick to notice it and turn around to hug your legs tightly, your hands finding their way in his hair and started massaging his skull.

“I’m so sorry, Ju,” you faintly whispered, and he breathed in deeply against your skin as if he finally found you again after being separated from you for years.

He grabbed your cherished stuffed animal and stood up, holding it against your chest with a tender smile. He sat you down on the bed and gave you a proper hug, mouth pressing loving kisses on your forehead and temple as his hand caressed the back of your head, holding you as close to him as possible.

“I’m so sorry Y/N, I really am. I love you so, so much, I’m really sorry for all the stupid words I’ve thrown at you,” he said, and you shook your head, squeezing your arms around his middle tightly as an answer.

“I guess I have to accept that you have eyes only for me. But you know, it’s hard to acknowledge it and believe it when you find everyone around you ten times more beautiful than you are,” you mumbled against his chest as you sat on his lap, and he nodded, feeling a lump rising in his throat.

“I know Y/N, I know. I wish I could rid you of those insecurities, my heart breaks each time I see you so unsure of yourself. You're just so beautiful and amazing, it honestly kills me to see you like this,” he whispered, and you bitterly chuckled, gently pulling away to look at him with pearly eyes, his arms around you holding you still tight, making sure that you wouldn’t go too far from him.

“You can’t do that, but maybe you can help me soothe them by keeping loving me the way you’ve done since day one,” you mumbled, and he smiled, his eyes shining with tears just like yours.

You both cupped each other’s face and sadly smiled at the other, Juyeon feeling comforted at the sensation of your thumbs wiping the tears away from his cheeks and vice versa.

“We just need time, love, but I promise I’m going to help you realise how much you mean to me and how beautiful you are. And how much I don’t care about other girls,” he mumbled, and he gently drew your face closer to his, your lips grazing against his mouth. You closed your eyes at the proximity, feeling so much love and passion in his kiss that it was getting hard to breathe.

“I love you so much, Y/N,” Juyeon pulled away from your lips and whispered against your mouth, his hot breath mixing with yours.

“I love you too,” you smiled, burying your face in his neck, your boyfriend kissing the crown of your head while hugging you tight.

You giggled as Juyeon applied pressure on your waist, making you fall on your side on the bed. His hand gently cradled your cheek, thumb caressing your cheekbone with a soft smile on his face. You closed your eyes and pressed your forehead against his, feeling him chuckle and gently press his lips against yours.