#im getting to the point where i am literally so desperate for something to work

[kahlilac]

Hey yall

I've started to get intense migraines again. They make me have no appetite whatsoever and I genuinely feel so unmotivated to do anything. I have an appointment set up for end of July to hopefully come up with a care plan but that's still two weeks away.

If anyone has any tricks that help with their migraines I would love to hear about it. My doctors in the past have recommended ice packs on the back of the neck and stimulating the scalp but if anyone has a different hack let me know

[gomzdrawfr]

Bear with me here I am going to word vomit of an AU I thought of (and I literally just woke up) Idk if I have the time to write, draw or even animate this bUT

A ghostprice au where Price goes blind

Here’s a scene I had in my head, imagine a blackout panel, with a typewriting sound effect in the back that reads:

Patient Information: Johnathan Price, birth date, weight, height, number, address (something along those lines which are meant to hint this is a beginning of a medical record)

and then white blurry speech bubbles appearing from left and right

“What?”

You voiced out, or rather, Price voiced out (you are in Price’s POV)

All the speech bubbles seized, and for a moment it’s just darkness and much quieter whispers

“…Laswell?”

“John, you’re up, easy now”

He hears her from his left, but still there’s total darkness, and he furrows his brows, hands slowly reaching up to pat his face, or scratch it— there’s nothing on his skin, so he’s not being blindfolded, and there’s no sac or bag covering his head— but there is layers of something covering his eyes that he tries to pull off, managing to peek through a bit, he thinks he’s opening his eyes but—

Still black

“…?”

And then we cut to a shot of Ghost’s face, eyes wide with realization that Price can’t see anymore.

The last panel reads:

“Diagnosis: Traumatic Optic Neuropathy” (aka vision loss”

- end of scene

More rambles:

Thinking about maybe from a mission an IED went off before anyone could react— well technically Price reacted first by pulling Ghost away, which resulted in direct exposure to the blast, followed by a concussion

Ghost immediately got on his feet and dragged Price away while also making sure all units were still available, he looks down and he sees laceration and red

Well okay I haven’t figure out the clinical part but Im thinking maybe some blood pools around the corner of Price’s eyes (if, say, the laceration cut across his eyelids), it wouldn’t be as dramatic to the point where there’s blood trickling down his eyes per see cuz Idk if I plan to make the shrapnel penetrate into the cornea (in this case it would be extremely severe cause of trauma, I shall have some mercy on him)

Maybe amongst the panic he saw how Price’s left eye slowly turned red (internal bleeding) and all his alarms went off and quickly get medical on it

Of course he was praying that it wasn’t as serious, maybe it was superficial and maybe his eyes were playing tricks on him cuz it was dark and the hallway had red lamp all over

Also i just realized this is prob quite inaccurately portrayed bcuz the bandages that covers the eyes are usually tightly sealed, and that his action of ripping them off is prrrobbaaably not good since infections and increasing the pressure around his eyes are just going to make this worse (like reopening sutures or whatnot) but i think it could work (shhh ✨fiction science✨)

But nope, Price is blind, and that automatically puts him unfit for service and Ghost knows that this isn’t going to go well for the man

We always joked around saying Price is old but imagine if he’s mid 30s, prime in his years and definitely still had a lot of kick in him— only to be forcefully ripped away from it

The devastation, the angst, the anger, the unfairness of it all, the never ending cycle of guilt from both Ghost and Price

DO U FEEL IT?!

Anyways *ah hem* if you’ve read this far and would be interested to develop this yourself whether with fic or art go ahead! I sure as hell won’t be able to bring out the sheer desperation and agony from this sort of au or story so yeah XD

[genderqueerdykes]

Idk if this is the right place to go but I'm not quite sure where else to put this. I'm very sorry if it's not the right place!

As a trans guy, I just have to wonder just how bad my luck is with trans women blogs and my general interaction with trans women IRL???

I'm stating it now that every single person can be an asshole. No matter their gender. I know I'm just having severely bad luck. Trans girls are forever my sisters and I'll back them up if I need to.

But also, why am I only encountering trans women who unironically want to put trans men and trans masculine people's heads on a spike.

I've close genderqueer friends but never managed to become friends with a trans girl yet (I know a few I'm acquainted with, as an art student in college - trans people of all shapes and sizes are a dime a dozen here) because at some point the fact they fundementally hate trans men comes out into the open. It's scary. Why are we in-fighting? Why does my sheer existence hurt you? The cousin of my crush is a trans girl, and she threw such a fit when she heard her cousin was going to go on a date with me. Not that it matters, relationship didn't work out (we're great friends) but I had never talked to this woman!! Ever!!!! My crush just relayed to me at the time that she did not like me because they told her I was a trans guy!!!!!!!

Trans men who hurt them obviously should be held accountable. They're pieces of shit. Again: every gender can be a fucking asshole. But why generalize? Why would you suddenly ostracize me if I revealed myself as a trans guy to you instead of a butch woman when we've had nothing but pleasant conversations up until now?

I feel like I'm being oversensitive, or that I'm making a big issue out of something so minimal. But why are we in-fighting? Why? Why, why why???

you're not being over sensitive, this is a genuine problem right now and it's affecting people in real time. what people don't seem to care about is that this deeply hurts and affects the people who are being ostrasized. which is something people should care about

you're not imagining things or anything like that and your experiences are very important to be discussed. it is quite literally "the right thing to do" or "cool" or whatever to shit on trans men right now. like currently, in 2024, almost 2025, we are seeing now more than ever, people who proudly hate trans men. this is transphobia. people NEED to care. you're not alone in feeling this way. even i feel this way, and i'm an intersex trans wo/man. i shouldn't have to feel this way, i'm literally a trans woman and i'm made to feel weary about other trans girls suddenly hating me when they find out i'm also a trans man because gender is complicated and being intersex is a complex experience

people will gladly openly hate on trans men. we are now the sacrificial lamb. we are now the punching bag. for a while people really hated cis gay men. like really hated them. the "im twinkphobic" shit was literal overt homophobia and nobody cared. everyone was on board with hating cis gay men for one reason or another. a lot of people were calling feminine cis gay men transmisogynistic, or transfem eggs. now things have shifted and its trans men who are the big problem.

rad feminism is taking over large parts of our community and people refuse to talk about it. people are happily rad fems, and a lot of trans girls identify as transradfems, which is just about as transphobic as you can get. it's never progressive to hate someone for their gender. ever. it's always transphobia. i don't know how so many trans girls got it in their heads that rad feminism just needed to accept trans women and trans women only for it to be a good ideology. i've said it before, but the unfortunate truth is a lot of trans women are desperate to feel validated in their womanhood, and some see man-hating "lesbian" women as the most "woman" thing you can be, as it's the "direct opposite" to being a man. trans women will gladly walk down this path for the sake of gender euphoria and attacking trans men because they're taking someone else's gender personally.

it doesn't matter if you don't see trans men as trans- we are. trans men are trans. transgender, transsexual, transvestites- doesn't matter. trans men get called trannies, too. trans men get misgendered. trans men face corrective rape. it's seriously not cool to see trans men as "copying" trans women, or whatever. i've seen people claim that trans men are really just masculine girls, and that it's okay for women to dress masculine so we should just do that instead. i've seen people say that trans men literally aren't trans because who would want to transition into manhood? i've heard people say that trans men just transition to hurt people. i've heard that trans men aren't "real" trans people and "Aren't trustworthy" sources of information on trans experiences

it's ridiculous. people are completely blinded to what the real problem is. the real problem is the queerphobes above us. i'm with you: why are we infighting like this again? what's the point? the entire point of the queer community is to accept people who step outside of the cisheternormative panopticon we've invented and enforced. it's such a broad array of people. not all experiences will be the same. manhood is desireable, just like womanhood. manhood is not inherently toxic. it's not something everyone wants to escape.

i sincerely hope people wake up and start realizing this is doing nothing but helping conservatives, terfs and transphobes. it's not helping other trans girls. some trans women are also trans men. intersex trans women exist. multigender trans women exist. genderfluid trans women exist. some trans women are also men and we're shooting everyone in the foot by behaving this way.

like do people not realize there are trans women who are also men? you're alienating all of these women with all this man hating. you're not just hurting cishet and trans men here: you're hurting every possible group of person. not every trans woman despises the concept of manhood. wanting to transition out of manhood doesn't mean you have to hate or condemn it. manhood being bad for you doesn't mean it's bad for everyone else

i hope you start to feel better soon. you are more than welcome to come back any time, it's really pervasive right now, but we have to stick together and challenge it when we see it. we have to remind ourselves that this is absolutely unhinged entitled behavior that doesn't reflect how trans men are treated in the real world and how we operate and function. it's shitty but fortunately there are lots of trans women who are allies to trans men. it's a very vocal minority that hate trans men that badly

[ndjournal]

hey, hey i would like to submit a kind of success story!

so my dog literally disappeared after 4pm and i noticed that after 7pm cause a i haven't seen her since

i desperately started to look for her EVERYWHERE i literally looked even in the cameras because i was afraid that someone kidnapped her, we posted pictures of "Missing Dog" on the internet, all of our neighbors were trying to find her too cause everybody loves her (she'd seriously very cute and sweet!) and i was almost getting in their house to search for her, but my mom said it would be rude to act like this. i didn't care at all, but i still didn't actually do it

even with all my efforts i still couldn't find her: so i remembered that one success stories from a sophie's anon where she said her cat was missing and she was desperate to "apply" and make her cat appears, but then she remembered WHO was trying and desperate and let go. After that the cat appeared safe and sound

i tried to do the same, let go of the idea that i was worried or missing her and just accept that, yes she was lost and there was nothing i (ego) could do. i let my mind think the worst things, even that someone would use her as a commerce to make lots of puppies to sell (😣😣😣) or that she was dead (she was actually a little cause of something she ate the day before) and went fat to die (some animals do this when they know there're going to die)

unfortunately it didn't work and she was still missing

i decided to go to bed and sleep cause it was late and there were no news about her

i went to sleep with that bad feeling of lost, but i knew that it wasn't me cause the real me don't have anything, only the ego has this "property" sense and then at 1:28 am i woke up from a dream where my dog was actually here and her "missing" was the dream haha

i woke up SUPER relieved, but i noticed it was a dream Where i was dreaming that it was a dream (does it make sense?) so i was consumed by some bitter feeling

the moment it happened i literally said NO! This is a dream, that was reality, it's all one anyways ill choose what i want and i swear to god the moment i said that my 2 year old nephew came here (he lives in the apt next door) screaming all over the place in the middle of the night saying that he found her with that baby accent

i got up bed desperately and realized that she was

NEVER lost, but actually hidden between the sofa (poor girl, it must've been painful)

i am trying to find something that was the key point for it to happen, but i don't really know i guess i just thought that if life is a dream and even though it may seem very real, it's still a dream and i can control it so i decided to fix that situation, but i also let go of control cause i knew ego couldn't do anything

i got mixed feelings cause i was letting go of the situation, but then thoughts would appear and i would react accordingly. maybe there is more, but i don’t know i am still processing this im so happy she’s here!!!!

I'm glad, thanks for sharing! Linking the post you mentioned here. This excerpt might be helpful for you:

The easiest creations or shifts for me happen when I just decide on something as a fact then just let it go and forget about it. There was no analysis, no rumination, no second guessing or questioning on it. It's easiest to do this for things that you have no attachments. It's not until I am reminded of that decision by the actual manifestation that I realize how effortless it all was, yet it can be so hard for things where there is pre-existing conditioning in the mind related to the choice one wants to make (when one entirely drops identification with the mind, this will no longer matter).

Another thing you can try to practice is having trust in Self/Universe/God more when you let go, rather than letting your mind run wild with all these negative scenarios, you can let go with the trust and faith that everything is being taken care of and there's nothing to worry about. That way you can actually truly let go, rather than flip flop back to worrying, reacting to negative thoughts and being attached to the situation (this is what the excerpt would call as 'changing your mind' like you did where you at first let go and then went back to worrying about it, meaning you hadn't truly let go). Try practicing this for your next creations! :)

[jessconsumesmedia]

Ghosts 4x10 The Not-So-Silent Partner

I thought that I might put together a well-organized piece of writing for this episode, but who knows how that is actually going to work out. I LOVED this episode and I have so many thoughts (many of which I am thinking about giving their own posts) So buckle in and enjoy my wild ranting about fictional characters.

Freaky Spoilers below the belt (they are so not i promise i just think im funny)

Overall thoughts: This episode was Really strong. I loved both of the main plots as well as the little background moments. The stories this season are building up gorgeously and I can't wait to get more payoffs as the season progresses. Pretty much as always I am just going to break up A and B stories and then add any other random bit at the end! (buckle up or leave this is going to be a long ride)

Issac - The not-so-silent partner

I love Issac and his bitchy little attitude; it brings us back to the fact that almost always his bitchyness* is just who he is. He is at heart a bitchy man who is realllllly trying (at least for him he is really trying) but he is also a deeply scorned man. By love, by society, by Hamilton, and even by his friends. The restaurant is his way of being seen, it is his way of being something in an afterlife where he feels like nothing sometimes. He of course is not going about it the right way but this guy has spent his entire life and afterlife being one upped often by people who don't even care about his existence. His hand in the restaurant is important to him. That being said I believe it was a really good decision to have him give up his partner position. He not only realized that he has stakes with his friends but it also is baseline Jay's restaurant.

Jay deserves to have the creative decisions plus he deserves a billion pats on the back for dealing with their eight idiot children/every other ghost on the property at some point. At the beginning of this episode I figured there might be a lead up to Mark finding out about the ghosts but I was surprised with the way they yes/anded their way out of that situation. But I realized it doesn't make a ton of sense for a network tv show to somewhat reveal two big bits (and subsequently lose a layer of jokes even if there are new joke possibilities) Mark finding out that the ghosts exist and Sam can see them takes away the Mark thinks Sam is a weirdo vibe and that is objectively a very silly dynamic. Also **Sam is a weirdo but mostly because of her small/odd family dynamic and also a little bit because of the ghosts. Poor Mark, bro is so gullible.

**"I think we sometimes forget that Samantha once hit her head really hard." definitely not the reason she is desperate for family but it is a good excuse actually for a lot of the situations she finds herself in. But also I wonder if she does have lasting effects, like I would assume considering she was literally dead for three minutes.

*"Issac complain about monarchy, must be day ending in y" oh Thor you are a comedic genius and you are very correct.

Hopefully I got everything I wanted to put in that lol.

IRISH HETTY

Holy shit. I knew, of course I knew. But having confirmation of something that hits you straight in the face is just really nice. This reveal is perfection. Poor Hetty believing whole heartedly that she is somehow British royalty and then she gets hit with one of the things she hates most in life. Love it. This managed to coincide with my English literature class going over a bit of Irish history so I was having a grand time sticking the two together into one big nerd pb&j. Plus I know generally that I have a good chunk of Irish somewhere in my history lol.

The actual implications of Hetty knowing she is Irish now are insane. Much like her encounter with the washing machine, dalliances with Trevor, and brief run ins with feminism, her finding out about her Irish ancestry is just another wall she is breaking. Almost like a another layer that is keeping her from "the real world." She is so stuck in her very stuffy uptight ways but these giant -for her- moments keep happening. They keep adding cracks and craters to the layers of her being. Much like Issac they don't change her fundamental elements so she is still the sam character/person but she has that growth we long to see. Mostly I love to see her views get challenged and she has to deal with the aftermath of those challenges.

Thor's part in all of this is also really interesting. We know he knows things about probably all of the ghosts but he has managed to keep these secrets for an incredibly long time. Thor is just a big guy who loves and cares about his friends. There is also another layer of Hetty being one of, if not, the only ghost who Grew up at Woodstone. The ghosts before her had an attachment to her because they were there for her whole depressing backstory TM. They know what all she went through (some stuff they probably have never said) But Thor specifically fell into some sort of protective figure for her (even if she didn't consider him as that protector for a long time after her death) Whether Sass and Issac just chose not too be as involved or even if they were Thor was there and chose to be there. He knew being Irish would be a huge crack in her worldview so he kept it to himself all to protect her. And let me tell you that made me cry. The Thor and Hetty relationship is one of my favorites not only because of the comedic aspects but also just the sheer care he has for her. She can't do much besides accept her friend and even affirm that friendship. (HETTY LOVE GORDON) Like guys she doesn't even say his pelts are gross and nasty it is such a huge moment for the both of them. They have to feel real life feelings which is a problem for them both, and as they tap into those feeling they are able to settle each other.

Trevor's part in this is smaller but it is still Very much there. He is quick to affirm that he loves St. Patrick's day. Quick to let her believe that her ***"Flaming red hair and alabaster skin" aren't particularly Irish traits. He stays by her side nearly all episode. Yet he was delighted to find out that she was in fact Irish, but he didn't make fun of her? Their whole relationship is based off of their conflict wouldn't he as the little shit that he is want to crowd her with snide witticisms? No he wouldn't. Their relationship genuinely makes me feel insane sometimes because we are clearly moving towards some sort of impasse. Whether its that we find out they have been getting closer but are just friends still or if they have been secretly hooking up off camera or any number of possibilities. There are choices being made that bring them together. Trevor likes Hetty's qualities simply put and Hetty apparently Loves Colin Ferrell who in many ways favors the pantless crusader. (He also uses that tone of voice that it seems like he literally saves for Hetty) I just cant wait to see more of their "complicated and diabolical" relationship.

***Now Trevor explain why you said that with a sarcastic air but at the same time plausible enough that Hetty would probably take it at face value. Plus why was he so poetic in his descriptions???

I believe that I have written what I can about Hetty but also I probably could think of other things lol.

Miscellaneous

Pete is such a good teacher. I love that he shows Hetty a bunch of Irish things.

"This man has plans for someone and I for one respect it" How even would he execute that plan lol?

If they wanted to take Issacs money I really think all they'd have to do is ask Trevor. He wants to be Mom and Dad's favorite.

Doctor Hoo

"No, baby, that was the scam."

Kelsey is so real for the gift card and seven dollars lol. (She is hilarious and a really good person to bring back)

Gaslight that poor man

Also Hetty looking too Trevor to calm her fears like she could have asked anyone in that room and she chose him.

Rebecca Wisocky the woman that you are. The line read on that bit about Whiskey is Hilarious.

I love Pete and his love of the craft. The improv your way out really worked I am curious if it could come up again somehow with Mahesh and Mark.

I love Jay that is the tweet hit send

"Except for Danes who brains are rumored to be mostly cabbage" He just can't get past his own prejudices.

That is the end of my very long rant sesh! Thanks for sticking around

He is down bad

I just like how for most of the scene she can’t look him in the eyes :((((

-Jess🫡

[elainsgirl]

It’s actually been really comforting seeing elucien and gwynriel theories and realizing that they have zero basis in canon and reality. There hasn’t been a single prediction from that side that makes sense to the actual story. They can’t even agree on who the next book should be. Everything they say is based solely on their own headcanons and willful misinterpretation of the text and it shows how doomed they really are whenever they post a new one.

At the end of the day, the only story moving forward that makes sense is elriel. We don’t have to come up with insane theories and twist the narrative to make it work; the author, SJM has already done that for us and that’s why I’m not worried, despite how loud and aggressive the other side might be. And when every single hint that’s come out this year has pointed towards elriel, it makes it that much better

This is so real. I think when you first see Gwynriels/Elucien’s theories they can be daunting as they always get so many likes, making you doubt yourself yet when you actually sit down and read their arguements….it becomes so clear how biased, nitpicked and contradictory it is.

Tbf - 2021-2022 was peak anti era where they were coming out with semi-logical arguements. Now they don’t bother to put any effort in, can’t even blame them. There’s only so many times you can twist and lie about canon. I will say though - its come to a point where antis are just discrediting themselves the more they speak. If you’re with a straight face telling me you saw 0 romantic foreshadowing between elriel but Az glancing at Gwyn during training was enough for you to believe they’re endgame - how am I suppose to take that seriously? You literally can’t because its just ridiculous. Eluciens yapping about how the rejected fates storyline will be between loa/helion/beron - when Sjm specifically mentioned bonds being wrong in a conversation about elucien/elriel…like. Once you actually start thinking about each theory/point/HC it all unravels very quickly.

4 years later - do we still know wtf an elucien/gwynriel book will be about? Like, they say random plot points but never connect them to each other or explain how one book would lead to another etc.

So I fully agree with you. When I come across an elucien/gwynriel point - these are my reactions: 🤨 🙄 💀

Their posts just makes me even more sure of elriel being endgame.

Look, im being frl - ask any elriel what they believe the general gist of the next book will be about and we all have the same ideas and theories - reaching to a similar conclusion. Ask gwynriels/eluciens and they differ from each other, each year it’s something new.

LMFAO You know its a win for elriels when antis start making fun off us and acting all bitter trying to prove us wrong. Spotify commented under an elriel video about guilty as sin?

“Omg elriels are soooooo desperate, they’d rather believe the word of a random person running the Spotify account whose job is to get attention then actually pay attention to the author”

next day? You have an anti lying about how spotify/audible commented under gwynriel/elucien videos’ as well…yet no SS to back up that claim. You have another one trying to show how guilty as sin is actually gwynriel by making up a HC out of nothing about Gwyn thinking of Az and it being wrong - which btw, why would it be.

Not to mention, Sjm literally worked with spotify and shared a tidbit about the next book.

We always win and thats the best part about being an elriel. Everything is coming together and all the signs point to Elain and Az. As we all knew it would.

[delectabledolls]

And just a bit further analysis and commentation because sweet 1600 is my favourite line ever and omg these dolls.

From right to left cause I needed to talk about the ugly elephant in the room.

Cupid

I cannot believe how hard they flopped on the possible queen of the century especially when all of the fanarts of her in her literal corny bloomers were full of promise. Her colour scheme is all over the place but that teal is sooo not needed. That headband was bad but the fast its unpainted and sat in such a key focal point area is horrific. That dress reminds of the disaster that was howliday cleo but somehow nowhere near as ugly. She is so apple white coded (thronecoming fr) unnecessarily I thought it was bad enough when we got that blondie with apples face that no one in the world owns. The gradient on her legs, I understand why they had to change it from the original with the white symbols on top but it dosen't work and i'm praying it looks alright when the dolls arrive. Those platform shoes are actually kinda nice just unsure about that gold maybe if they were airbrushed they would look nicer. The blue around cupids eyes make her look dead and so does her heart earrings which from a distance to me look like dead beating hearts. That black bow bothers me so much why is it right there its so not needed and ruins everything the most and the money for that could of been used for the headband!

Frankie

They did them so bad with that undetailed leg, such a letdown after monster ball in particular. I think that pink on the balloon and leg detracts and is a bit garish in contrast, I wish they chose something more subtle and fitting if they are so insistent on pink. That cage is so darling charming I am def giving it to her. Apart from the blush being not the nicest they are a really nice frank doll.

Draculaura

Where do I even begin if you haven't my other first ever post I am so desperate to own her I never saw this coming at all. Asides from what I already wrote the fabric of her under skirt is to die for and every disney princess girls dream. I am desperate to the back of her shoes but her eye makeup is what a drac fierce rockers could be and her lips are I think would of been better a solid colour than the gradient they are but its no biggie. Her heart handle brella is sooo cute for lala please do it again mattel best idea ever. Those gloves are so madeline hatter way to wonderland omg I am very nostalgic to that well done mattel. That box is so shade to howliday cleo because I was going to get her box but this is it but properly good. Her bodice and earrings are just pure amazingness but her hair the silhouette and curve and the black highlights at the top are totally like skulltimate secrets 3 but without that darn treated poly (another doll I now don't need) but I hope it looks just as good in box cause just wow. Lastly, her hat is so adorbs and reminds me of a call back to dawn of the dances famous 3 pack exclusive drac who I still don't own cause being a european doll collector can suck at times.

Cleo

Finally, the diva herself whilst I am never a big fan of cleo especially G3 with her washed out eyes and blue palette this might be her best look yet. Her hair is what monster ball should of been to be honest her whole look is what it should of been. I swear we have had snakes on the top of shoes before from mh but maybe it was just ghouls alive clawdeens cat shoes im thinking of but they are still nice either way but not mindblowing like that laura. Her skirt cage is very Marie Antoinette which is so fitting but I'm not the keenest on the shape it gives her dress and the tassles that dangle from it that should of been fabric if needed. I am probably just going to get her for her hair cause thats thebonly thing I am really bothered about.

Overall

All of these are similar to their originals yet add a new delicious twist except for cupid she's rotten to her core im afraid. The spine balloons and now im just praying the packaging and eyeshadow is impeccable. Would love to do a review of these and find all the extra IRL hidden deets. Totally buying em all and drac as soon as I possible can without combusting.

just had to yap as these are some of the best dolls ever and my excitment was off the chart.

[gwynbleiddyn]

oc week 2025 shenanigans ahoy

inspired by the wonderful @sunshinemage's post (though i will be less artistic and far more cryptic)

it's been literal years since i've ventured into the waters of oc kiss week so this year i have decided to jump straight into the deep end for no good reason other than i crave the OC content

what does this mean

it means i am once again going to be tearing through written drabbles like a deepstalker on rocks or whatever they go cronch cronch on

i am predominantly focused on dragon age for this, and these drabbles will be (mostly) in response to the ockissweek prompts which are:

desperate

first

stolen

reunion

worship

forbidden

caught

how does this work

LAWLESSLY. my askbox is open for people to jump in with an OC of their choice, and select an OC of mine (they'll be listed down below!) but with a little twisty twist, so in step by step order:

pick your beloved oc that you wish to use for blood sport oc kisses

browse the shortlist or, if you're feeling brave, wade into the depths of my oc page where unknown horrors lie in wait, and select one of my ocs for tribute/sacrifice/kisses

browse the lovely little prompt list above and consider the vibes

when you have your oc, my oc, and a prompt you'd like to see filled, CONGRATS YOU'RE HALFWAY THERE

now, for my little twist, what i would LOVE you to do is:

pick a song that represents your chosen blorbo and send me the title/artist so i can also enjoy it while i write👀

(OPTIONAL) and also give me a word that you would love to see represented! it could be a colour, an emotion, an item -- literally anything. could be innocuous, could be meaningful. it's just extra ✨flavour ✨

a point (or two) of note:

none of these will necessarily be romantic unless i know the oc well and it's something we've talked about, however i am absolutely not against some Fruity Tension somewhere. feel free to add this into your request, otherwise, i will likely default to platonic kisses!

depending on how many requests i get, the drabble lengths will also vary. i am at the mercy of whatever my braincell wants to do, and i won't force a long drabble if i feel its detrimental to the vibe im going for. so pls just be aware that some drabbles may be longer than others, but be assured i put the same bit of care and mildly unhinged writer love into everything i do!

who is this for?

i dearly miss the Olden Days of Yore where dragon age ocs made up the resplendent tapestry of my dashboard from hither to yonder and i like to think i can recreate that old feeling, so i would absolutely love to reach as many people as possible!

you don't have to be a mutual or anything just some guy with an idea and an oc you want to subject to my roster of miscreants, which lies below the cut for ur viewing pleasure

aforementioned roster of miscreants

i'm gonna keep the shortlist, well, short, i guess. these are my mains, the ones i'm comfortable writing anyday anyhow any which way. you are also very welcome to look at my full character page to see if any of those take your fancy - just make sure you're in the Dragon Age section!

Rion Severan - Warden Inquisitor (DA:O / DA:I Protag) [he/him]

pushing 50, certified DILF, ego only dwarfed in size by his banged-up and bleeding heart, which he consequently keeps locked in a cage of his own poor design. unlock at your own risk.

likes: beaches, dogs, rivaini wine, sunsets, antivan wine, a nice sword, tevinter wine

dislikes: ferelden

Kerros Severan-Laidir - Rook (DA:Veilguard Protag) [he/him]

young son of a gun who unfortunately has his father's tendency to get involved in saving the world. an unrepentant Lord of Fortune, he lives for gold and glory, but if sheer love and willpower could keep him alive he'd outlive the world.

likes: good treasure, the ocean, the smell of gaatlok, doing things just because, swimming in various bodies of water, and big boats (and he cannot lie)

dislikes: the fade, magical exposition (please write him the sparknotes version), political bureaucracy

Beren Ingellvar - Veilguard Companion (DA:Veilguard) [they/them]

ancient. unknowable. literally torn apart and put back together through the unabating power of a mother's love. their hands have never touched a thing without reverence. there is nothing in their eyes but time. they would love to smoke a pipe with u tho :)

likes: magic. spirits. theoretical discussion. books on theoretical discussion. lectures. nevarran academia. silver jewellery.

dislikes: hot places, coconuts, bitter coffee, cities, books with narrow margins and unindented paragraphs

[auxins-insanities]

i am so fucking tired of this post, this is my third time writing it because my tumbkr tab keeps reloading when im inactive on it for likw. 2 minutes. and it never saves as a draft.

there will be some typos because im tired

but yeah ill be talking about a song that reminds me of vic because im normal

wooooooooo time to break down every vic core line

Keeping Secrets (Fit For A King)

Is there a way out A way out from the let-down I'm living in? Some refuge from the cloud I'm under

vic's pov. like. "when will i ever stop being tortured. when will you (Alan) finally let death be permanent. is that even possible.

Living in lies, what I am is never good enough

however much they try to fight back or escape, they cant. Alqn is more powerful and they are tiny.

There's no hope if I give them nothing

eventually vic just stops responding. they do nothing. (yes yes i know this would be out of order timeline wise shoot me)

And now I'm dead in the water

fhis one is quite literal, considering they were drowned at least once.

I'm afraid it's too late to change

i can imagine at some point victim believes that maybe under the right circumstances things could work out. that maybe if they just survived long enough they could talk it out or something. maybe Alan is capable of more that jsut cruelty. they eventually stop desperately clinging to this idea, tjough. it isn't helping them.

You're the pin, I'm the hand grenade

THIS. THIS LINE MAKES ME SO INSANE. like. likw. vic was Alan's release. any pent up emotions could be thrown at this stick figure, instead of being violent or lashing out at "real people."

victim's the pin, Alan's the hand grenade

How can words of hope hold weight When I can't believe when I tell them to myself?

we saw one of mitsi's lil notes saying to have a good day, so i can imagine that its really hard for vic to keep mitsi's level of positivity, ESPECIALLY now that she's gone.

I can't feel heart through the violence

im tired and dont know how to explain it but this is a very vic core line okay

But I'm coping with the feeling of your disappointment

vic knows mitsi wouldn't want them to do all this. xe would not want these terrible violent acts done in xyr name. and vic doesn't know how to feel about that. what to think about what she'd say.

im skipping chorus 2 because theres still another one and going over both would be redundant

Now the cold hard truth I'm miserable and panicked now

victim going through Agent's memories to find mitsi's death. i know we're supposed to be talking about vic right now but there was something about how fucking defeated Agent looked after mitsi died that just. ough this man makes me want to cry

I thought that I could numb the pain But I'm just losing myself again

that right there is just victim in a sentence. they were getting better, they were moving on. but now that the one helping them is gone, they've gotten so much worse, arguably worse than before Mitsi. they're violent with disregard for others' lives, spiralling.

And now I'm dead in the water

this time it's more metaphorical. they're obviously not dead, no, but they lost so much of thesmelf when Mitsi died.

I'm afraid it's too late to change

this is where the roles change. it's too late for VICTIM to change. they've gone in so deep, done so much that in their mind, healing and moving on isn't even an option anymore.

It's like I've held up a gun to everyone that I love

this is another one that im not sure how to explain but this is vic.

You're the pin, I'm the hand grenade

i imagine victim was always one step away from a revenge quest. Mitsi just kept them said step back. she helped them heal, to find ways of dealing with trauma that arent just sitting there drowning in it. she ALSO probably offered some kind of release for any kind of emotion, they could tell her anything. she is the reason that victim didn't do this sooner. but now that xe's gone, they have no one holding them back from all this.

mitsi was the pin, victim's the hand grenade. and you know what happens when you take the pin out.

in trying to take revenge on Alan, they are now no better than him.

ANYGAYS THERE YA GO. JUST UHHHHHH THINK ABOUT IT.

heres the song, i do recommend listening to it even if its just for this to make more sense.

[pseudowho]

Hello once more, sorry for the inbox spam!!!

I wanted to give you an update on the 30 year old guy hitting on me (insane cause when he was my current age of 21, I was 12 years old, LIKE WHAAAT the heeeell). Context for memory: met him at an event I was volunteering at. He wasn’t in the volunteering event but stopped by to help, and stayed a while to chat. He got my social media and messaged me that evening. Very quickly off the bat he started flirting and taking EVERY chance he got to do so, ie when i said im more of a mountains than lakes person, he said, “it’s not gonna work then ;)” and a bunchhhh of other stuff i don’t remember. And when I told him that my “(possibly) my favorite person in the world is the only person I message consistently” he replied with, “Favorite? Damn, don’t know if I’ll get there, but I’ll try to be your second favorite.” And this was literally like a day into messaging. It was SO weird because I never thought somebody that much older would go for me AND he doesn’t even Know Me. (Even though two 33 year old men did try to pursue something with me when I was 19 years old). Like, 25 is the max age I’ll date being that I’m 21, and the brain stops developing at 25. I was strictly platonic and didn’t even flirt back/reply to those weird messages.

So the update: I think it was after your advice that I made it clear to him that I am 1. Not interested in a relationship with anyone, 2. I only feel safe around women because of past experiences with men. // So here’s where things get a bit stickier. He keeps saying that his number one value is empathy and that he learned he can trust his morals and values, and that he learned to not doubt himself. He keeps saying he wants to get close with me and see where “this connection goes” (in my head I’m thinking, what connection?). At this point, I told him my 3rd boundary: That I Am Not even Guaranteeing Friendship. I don’t trust guys, I have a very finicky social battery, and I told him that I have been left much more jaded than my naive, optimistic, overly caring 19 year old self after a string of incidents with straight guys that left me feeling confused and used (was used emotionally and also they wanted to use me physically, but I didn’t let the latter happen. These events are not even including the 33 year old guys incidents). So this 30 year old, I’ve been on and off messaging him to give him a CHANCE to be a FRIEND. Because he’s desperate and honestly I love making close friends IF they’re good people. But I noticed that whenever I mention (not trauma dump, mention), more sensitive things such as the consistent, TW, abuse and neglect I’ve faced for years, he goes radio silent for a day or few days. The only time he DOESN’T reply quickly is when it’s about sad stuff— the only other time I said anything sad was when I told him I was grieving my late kitten, and I Literally gave the gruesome, truly awful details of my 1 month old kitten passing due to leukemia (it was devastating. She was precious, amazing, resilient, kind, and wonderfully adaptive— ie her siblings would cry during socializing and she would WALK UP TO THEM AND LAY HER HEAD ON THEM. She would also go to Me instead of her Mama cat for food, as she was too weak to compete with her siblings (but she gave her BEST awesome efforts.) Despite her resilience and intelligence, she was too young and her immune system didn’t work. It’s devastating, and I’ve been processing it in healthy ways as months go on and on. She was wonderful, demonstrated kindness and she was a fighter, and she deserved a long life. Anyway, to this he responded with “😮” …LIKE. I WAS SO confused and a bit irritated at that reaction. He DID later say a few short words of sympathy but wtf was the “😮😮”…So a week or so later I thought about my lingering irritation, and now I’m MAD. He expects me to be empathetic towards him, and I am, but whenever I even BRIEFLY mention struggles beyond himself he won’t give it the proper care it deserves. Ie one time I mentioned women’s struggles with gross men and then I also talked a bit about men’s struggles being hard too, and he said, “I’m glad you acknowledge men’s struggles!” and it’s like yes I did but… the first and main point of this particular convo was women??? Are you so self absorbed and stuck in your head??? At least acknowledge women too? He preaches about empathy but doesn’t live up to it, or at the very least, doesn’t realize his own need to grow. So, I’m quite tired and irritated. All these guys have the same thing in common, and it’s that they see me as some sort of saint for them to be loved and validated by. They seek me to use me for their own benefit, but they do not CARE about ME, AND they think of themselves as top shit. I know they need love. I sympathize with them. Trust me. But they don’t see me for me, nor do they treat me well. I am no saint, though I want to be a good person, the best person I can be. They idealize me because I’m a friendly and curious and caring person, but they don’t treat me as a person.

I’m teetering on the edge of cutting him off. But I know he went through a breakup 2-3 months ago, and I personally believe he’s acting this desperately and strongly because he’s lonely. I sympathize with him and I wonder if I judge him too harshly… But the red flags are raised. A 30 year old going for a 21 year old??? Am I crazy to think that that’s weird as fuck?? I feel bad for him. I’m irritated. I’m tired and I need to put myself first, as I’ve already got a hard life to deal with before I can be stable and give more of me. At least, this is the thought process I currently have. Do you think so too? Did I miss anything or see something inaccurately— what do you think?

He’s the fourth guy who is significantly older than me (30+) to try and get in a relationship with me. It keeps happening. I don’t even go out much. I don’t even interact with guys much. It’s insane. Everytime I go out and interact with people and the world (like coworkers and meeting people when I volunteer), this happens. They all told me they love my care/empathy (which is, of course, a work in progress). I think my natural curiosity made them think i was interested in them, even though i never flirted with any of them or even thought about a romantic or sexual relationship with any of them!! I even told some of them from the start that I only like women!

Is this normal, do most guys do this?

Tough constructive criticism towards me always welcome.

And you don’t have to answer!! Ty for reading :)

- m <3

That's me, pushing you over the edge you were teetering on, r.e. your decision to cut him off.

There's nil else that needs to be said. You have suggested to him in many ways, without actually saying the words blatantly, that you are not interested. By continuing to pursue you despite your discomfort, going so far as to think this is a matter of simply convincing you, shows that he's not empathetic, and is in fact, absolutely in this for himself.

What women aged 30+ tend to find (anecdotally, on average, from discussions with my cohort) is that men who routinely target younger women for relationships/sex, do so for a number of reasons, none of them good, but some of them being: recognition of reduced confidence and therefore vulnerability in younger women, average lower standards of younger women due to life experience (not a crime at all!), and the mens' underdeveloped emotional maturity, and age fetishization.

It's all about Power.

"You're so mature for your age!" Yeah yeah-- 'for your age', but not for his age. Women his age are simply more likely to not tolerate his bullshit, and he's probably underdeveloped emotionally with bad habits that make him a bad partner.

If you're being routinely targeted by these men, which is, I must absolutely clarify, NOT YOUR FAULT, try to have a little self reflection; is there something about you aside from simply your age, that makes you seem more vulnerable to these men? Because your chances of ending up in a badly balanced age gap relationship are higher the more associated vulnerabilities you have.

My only criticism of you? Take this opportunity to strengthen your spine. Lash out hard, and if you are absolutely not interested in these men, make it brutally, savagely, immediately clear. Don't be wishy-washy. Give them absolutely zero soft answers because unfortunately with men like these, soft answers make them think they have a chance.

Stop being kind to people who try to manipulate you.

It's sad that being nasty is the only way, and they'll try to make you look like the bad guy ('oh I was just being friendly, you're safe around me'), but you're not, and you should give them the middle finger they deserve.

I guarantee that they will age but will continue to target women and girls your age. Our current 'daddy' and hyperfetishisation of age (especially for young women) culture, sadly, gives them support to do this.

That is, again, not your fault; doesn't it look so clear now that they don't have your best interest at heart?

While not all age gap relationships have a power imbalance, a great, great many do. Consistent targeting by fully adult men should be a massive red flag.

Again, in the job I'm in, I witness and examine a great great number of heterosexual relationships in intimate detail, and I assure you, big age gap relationships are amongst the most likely to leave the women (because it is almost invariably the woman being the younger one) on a significant back foot.

Brief reminder that women aged 30+ aren't 'jealous' that lots of men their age target barely adult women; we see them as the manipulators they are, and we want to protect you.

Love,

-- Haitch xxx

[variousqueerthings]

OKAY ten episodes into due south and we've got some new takeaways + some doubling downs

just had the christmas episode which means "just had the episode where fraser hallucinates his dad" and I am. very sure. that this show will never come to this conclusion, but mr benton fraser, your dad was not a good dad, and "wishing you'd spent more time with him so you could learn more" was never your fault and also... all this hero-worship for a man you didn't know, because he made it so you didn't know him, you may have had an icon/figure/image you wanted to emulate, but you didn't have a dad

also im perhaps doing fraser sr. a disservice, but I really do wonder about how long he knew about the dam. this was his area after all. but i think it's comforting to fraser jr to think his dad was only briefly hooked and then did the right thing immediately, but going by the hunter idk... also darnit benton fraser get that man down from the pedestal, you're doing yourself an injury craning your neck to look up all the time, when he's not worth it! (but also big big fan of this as a major blindspot he has, characterwise)

also in the christmas episode some rare rare ray backstory, and his father was abusive, so we're really getting guy A: absent father whom he wishes desperately to still be the perfect son for and live up to the Ideal of (benton) and guy B: abusive father who taught him to duck and to never hit kids (cos they don't learn anything from it), which is a very clear background for his cynicism and sense that people don't improve that we meet him with

TO GO BACK SOME EPISODES:

Pizzas and promises: fraser in ray's clothes (ray is now keeping them in a shrine in his closet)

I have said this before (somewhere to someone) and I will say it again: I like to read asexuality and aromanticism into characters, I enjoy it, I especially enjoy finding ways it can work with established canon (say, a character who does have relationships, ok so how does this work, etc) but. BUT. Benton Fraser. there's no reach?? that's just an aromantic asexual man there. to the point that it's a recurring joke that this beautiful beautiful man does not wish to flirt (or doesn't understand it's happening), does not want someone undressing in front of him (sexually, he clearly doesn't mind ray taking a shower), does not even consider himself as a sexually attractive person and is continuously surprised whenever someone else does, etc. have been informed that paul gross at one point said he doesn't think he's a virgin, which ofc opens up all kinds of new doors to think about (idk if this is ever established in the show, so we'll see, because it obvs changes the direction of thought depending on if yes or no)

but yeah, fraser literally holding a hand over his eyes because he's so disturbed by the car saleswoman undressing and then saying something like: "oh... dear. an accident..." before running out (hand still over his eyes...) -- also in that episode we have one of several "ray saves fraser in a desperate last-ditch way and fraser seems to think it's all premeditated and ray is a little frustrated" which plays very well into hc's about ray wanting fraser to Pls Stop Constantly Putting Yourself In Bodily Harms Way!!!!

Chinatown: ofc he speaks chinese. this is also such a Community Episode, continuing the idea that fraser is becoming this big name around the [insert chicago area] known for helping people (+ i bet he'd get free meals in chinatown for the rest of his life). also ray's face when he ordered at the restaurant was perfect -- just when fraser couldn't get more larger-than-life...

chicago holiday prt 1+2: ok well, obvs it's all about the bdsm club - fascinating that it's not something that makes fraser more uncomfortable than just every day life, which tbh, tracks as an aroace (in this case especially the ace part of it), because everything is sexual all the time, leather isn't distinctively sexual. "punish me I've been bad" made me fucking cackle though. y'all want fraser to be a dom so badly. that man is not a dom. at best he could do some praise kink, but that's all he's got in him - the fact that there are two police raids on this place. and like. it's not just queer people in there necessarily, but it definitely has several queer people. and the police chief calls them perverts. it's very much the overlap between kinkphobia and queerphobia (which, ultimately, is almost the same thing, in that queers are considered kinky, and kink is considered queer). so i'd say it's probably the worst look we've seen for the local police force so far BUT it does fit with the overarching setting that is: ---- systemic, casual injustice and bigotry ---- full of real-world people ---- also a little bit of a fairytale (fraser's pov of the world) ---- plays into explorations of ray who has one foot in the "real" world (which is unjust and cruel and harsh and he's just trying to survive in it without getting into too much trouble, he's just "doing his job") and one foot in fraser's world (the belief that everyone is fundamentally worthy of respect and decency, because everyone is a person, and that this respect will be paid back). he's not a perfect person, as is often shown, and this isn't his finest hour. I like that both fraser and the barkeeper AND the femmedom all call him on it in one way or another ---- am i remembering right, I believe this was also the episode where ray said he didn't even think fraser was a proper cop, because of fraser's ethos, which is very funny because... he isn't. my man is fired, he is not legally a cop anywhere, because he was too good a person for the job. he's an Embodiment. an Ideal. of Something (Justice, Decency, The Wild, idk), but he is not a cop my man. he got arrested in the raid too! in fact if it wasn't for ray imprinting on him, he'd have been in so much trouble several times! - also I mean. I said it, but if everyone wants fraser to be a dom, then people think ray's a bit subby, but going by their dynamic, ray is fraser's daddy. buys him nice stuff, makes sure he eats, socialises (with him), chastises him for putting himself in danger... anyway, obvs @gjdraws and I have ahem... discussed this

a cop and a mountie and a baby: shockingly this wasn't as gay as I thought it'd be. there's a bit of stuff when they're around the park, but actually the main takeaway of this episode is that this woman had heard of fraser's reputation and staked her baby on it, wild. fraser my guy. you're already a legend

There's a lot of I've forgotten to say/wrote to GJ in much ramblier paragraphs but The Gist

MISC: - the leather jacket fraser wears... inherited? bought in canada? it's such a distinct third Fit to his mountie clothes - fraser has some unhinged parenting takes, but who can blame him because his dad sucked!!!!! (okok, I'm over it... no I'm not) - ray... I didn't get into just how many moments there are of ray being in love with fraser, idk they just keep coming. every episode, it's like a tidal wave. think a notable one was end of "chicago holiday" where he brings fraser something to wear so they can go out together, just cos. but he does things for him "just cos" all the damn time! - elaine! third? bestie? i think she deserves to leave the police station and join them on cases! I wish to know more about her. that time she profiled someone and it was just fraser in drag (and ray recognised fraser in drag) - frannie! unconvinced by the way they wrote her in "pizzas and promises," thought she was fun in the first section, but i think the writing let down her character during the part where ray nearly drowns (OH YEAH THAT WAS GAY TOO MY GOODNESS) because like, why wouldn't she be more worried? think there were more dynamic, less "she's just shallow/ditzy" ways of writing that - the "jai ne said quoi" ongoing bit was very cute. also very gay. just. all of it is

[girlygguk]

HELLO LYSSA !!!!! i finally managed to get my hands on nitw and Oh my god. first of all, this is probably the thing i’ve waited the most in my whole life for… From the MOMENTTT the teaser was posted i was seated. the tumblr employees were scared and asking me to stop refreshing your account but i was simply too seated. LIKE I NEEDED IT BADDD the trope was everything i ever needed and with your writing i knew it was going to make shakespeares ahh look ridiculous in comparison like 🤭🫵🏼 the fact that you weren’t even sure about posting it was Heartbreaking omfg but the wait was SOOO worth it. i had to postpone the reading but it was getting to a point where it was eating me inside i just needed to KNOWWW so i just said fuck my exam and postponed my today’s study session instead 🙏🏼 and wow. let me just say i won’t regret it! you are just a phenomenal writer!!!! the way you can put such complicated situations and feelings into soul-touching words is a gift, and baby you are gifted !!! you create these whole worlds that are so easy to fall into, and with nitw it felt like the warmest embrace 😭😭 i definitely teared up bc i resonate with oc 💔 and whipped jk was OHHH such a moment my god! highlight of my whole year! like yes be desperate for me babes! this is getting too long but i just really hope you know your works are so appreciated. thank u thank u !!! i love how you’re keeping us fed, like seriously im eating all of it up, but please get your well deserved rest too <3 luv u a lot

listen here u little rascal. it is 8 o’clock in the morning and i am already in tears. there was no need for this...

wow baby i genuinely… like i don't… i don't know what to SAYYYYY?? and i ALWAYS KNOW WHAT TO SAYYYY???? 😭😭😭😭 FIRST of all you atee with that study sesh postponement 👆 that was such a diva move and yoongi is somewhere smiling out into the distance with pride swelling in his chest... i hope you actually know that something like this coming from the author of older is such a fucking compliment and i am in awe, shock, and disbelief… next on my list of reads is the grande series and glb when i finally get my head out of my ass and back into reading because i just know it's about to rock my fucking worlddd i’m sooo serious. no because you resonating with oc gets me sooo bad bc when i saw a few ppl hating on her i was like OOP as if i didn’t literally base her on myself LMFAOO… i love you seaux much baby, i will brush my fingers through your silky locks every day and feed you every last crumb to my name /gen. thank YOU so much honey... what the FUCK ❤️️🧡💛💚💙💜🖤

[rhythmandstealth]

this post is long. like really long. stream of consciousness venting downer post that may or may not make sense. this isnt even touching on everything thats been on my mind but i think ive got the important stuff out.

my brain has quite literally not been working the same since i took that rick and morty acid. like its been completely. i dont know. its like im a completely different person.

the girl using this body beforehand got her shit rocked way too hard, and now a different girl had to take control and now she has to relearn basically everything ever. my autism feels cranked way beyond any countable level and i feel like there are more and bigger gaps in my mind. even my most basic bodily signals just feel completely alien and terrifying to me and its only intensified by the fact that i had food poisoning AND a kidney stone recently.

most of the time i dont even think to eat and when i do get food i just stare at it because i dont know what im supposed to do? and when i do eat its like. off puting. i dont know. everything tastes weird and has a bad mouthfeel and also im having a hard time fully moving my jaw? i feel like my entire taste palate has been completely randomized and everything i was eating is now just utterly revolting and/or physically difficult to eat in some capacity. also all my emotions feel cranked to like a billion and im struggling to even shower and do laundry regularly and always at least a little bit brainfogged and just. a whole bunch of other stuff. idk.

and it wouldnt feel as bad except for the fact that im stuck in a living situation that due to a bunch of reasons is like super duper actively detrimental to my well being. i feel like im about to bottom out all the time like i really fucking am like. i cnt even say im on the edge of something because "edge" implies a line and that line has gradually contracted into a single gradually shrinking point beneath my foot. and like. i know i need help and technically i know how to get it but when i try to act on the relevant information im intrnally just kind of weakly pawing at imperatives that the body is just refusing to execute. and this isnt helped by the fact that due to my autism being cranked off to hell im having an exponentially more difficult time trying to fully externalize my wants and needs or even my problems.

the fact that ive managed to type all this up is a miracle. i am just doing Really Badly. and it wouldnt really suck so bad except for the fact that i live in a southern suburb with someones family who are basically like space aliens to me and have been for far longr than i intended to be due to the pandemic. i need to be rehomed and retrained and re. fucking. i dont know. i dont even know where i was going with this i dont even know if it makes sense. its kind of a cry for help but more importantly i really just need to get it all out there no matter how badly or clumsily worded it is and get over my fears of being open about my feelings with people i know and of being fucking blown up at with because i didnt use the "correct" terms for expressing myself in a way thats acceptable to the other partys experiences and expectations.

i desperately need to rebuild my brain and my sense of self from the ground up in a way that makes me feel good and happy and fulfilled and not. adrift and alone and frustrated and scared. and i need to do it somewhere away from here. but i dont really kknow how to accomplish that because i have no real aims or even the, like. mental scaffolding to support the process of making and executing a long term life goal. not helped by the fact that i just dont have a very strong sense of initiative or autonomy? there are things i want and need to do but i lack the cognitive function to pull myself out of this hell im in and i dont know what to do or how to fix it because i feel like the conventional wisdoms for improving your situation require having some conventional baseline of brainpower that i am like. actively failng to meet. i grew up being discouraged and even punished for acting on internal forces and so now i can only seem to react to the external and thats why now i love getting high as fuck and why i dont really do much when hanging out with people unless someone says "hey come do this with us".

its a miracle i typed this much more. im sorry. im sorry for talking so much and im sorry for making this everyones problem. at least its under a readmore so it doesnt have to be. so whatever. i cant stop typing and crying. im overwhelmed. im burnt out. i dont have any real local support network. ive just been bottling and rotting bc ive just felt scared and embarrassed for how bad ive let myself get without any real help because i lierally just. havent been able to like. push. my brain. and body. into working properly. i dont even know how or why i managed to do all this. maybe doing an acrobatic fucking pirouette off the deep end by posting my little confession last night and letting one of my deepest most secretest cats out of the bag and not immediately having a bunch of gun laser scopes pointed at me for it like id feared for literally years has emboldened me to be moreopen about lower stakes things.

idk. maybe the fact that ive been struggling by myself with various levels of success doesnt matter anymore bc everything including stuff i thought id dealt with was violently dredged up by sufficiently potent psychedelics. i dont know. im a different girl whos new to this world. or maybe im the same girl but an outdated and incomplete version. im in a weird brainspace now that i genuinely dont know how to contend with. i need help and support from people i know and trust and feel safe with. which im still. struggling to get a good handle on. because i never really learned how to socialize properly or make good solid relationsips due to a turbulent upbringing. idk.

im trying. i really really am. i dont think the people who live with me think im trying in life because im not showing any visible signs on the metrics theyre using. but i really am trying my level best to push upward again and achieve the things i really want and live my best fucked up weirdo life. im trying to take things one baby step at a time. eventually, hopefully, i will figure things out.

and so we move.

[mewo777]

im so tired im so tiiirreeeddddd of shows that are so desperate to shove in the concept of a nuclear family by any means necessary good god. beastars s1 and 2 are quite possibly among my favorite shows of all time, and for good reason. the entire show is so focused on parallels between love and consumption and i LOVE that about it. but season 3….. oh my god…. genuinely i gag every time louis and juno are on screen together because individually i absolutely love those two characters but why is it that when theyre together juno is entirely stripped of her personality and just becomes so romance obsessed and focused on louis and louis alone. her entire character is to be ambitious and to take what she wants so why is that shoved aside to force in this weak relationship between the two of them when their friendship was so so fun and interesting. i LOVE them as friends because it offers such a unique perspective into the concepts of carnivore and herbivore relationships that are non romantic so why for the love of god is every show on earth so obsessed with shoving in romantic relationships into every possible crevice they can find. i loved s1 and 2 beyond words can describe and somehow, after years of waiting for this show to have another season all these few episodes have done for me is leave a horrible sour taste in my mouth. also yahya makes me mad as hell but thats just because im a hater so maybe that adds to my overall disdain for this season. im just so disappointed because this show couldve been about so, so much more but no. we just HAVE to have our simple little nuclear families hamfisted into everything. and i know they dont even get together but god does it drive me insane that they even had to have a romantic relationship in the first place when their friendship was so perfect. this show started off as a testiment to all kinds of love but for some god forsaken reason i cant seem to wrap my head around they just had to end it on a note of “forget everything the show stands for, were going to make it romance now !” (yes im aware given legoshi and harus relationship it was romance to begin with, but that was special, unique to them. the idea of louis being another side to legoshis coin of loving herbivores was again, special, unique to him and legoshis relationship, and now all that feels stained by this random worthless relationship between louis and juno where juno just gets tossed to the side anyway, so what was the point?) i seriously wish theyd just focused this season on developing the relationships between characters we already knew and loved, with the addition of yahya and melon, without having to shove in new relationships that legitimately feel like nothing but fanservice. i get way too worked up about things that dont matter but by god if louis and junos relationship has 0 haters i am dead. i will die on the hill that their love is essentially meaningless, juno in her ever growing ambition seeing louis as a prize to be won to grow her status as a wolf(as she once saw legoshi given the whole “most powerful couple at school” thing) and louis, though he chastised legoshi for falling for haru because she was the first herbivore to pay attention to him, is fundamentally no different. like i said, two sides of the exact same coin, and louis “love” for juno is entirely circumstantial. they are not special to eachother like legoshi and haru, or even legoshi and jack(obviously in a platonic sense but regardless what legoshi and jack have as friends is something unique and special to them)(this unique sort of love between people is literally a fundamental theme in the show and they just completely shove that aside for the sake of some stupid cishet relationship please just kill me)

anyway tldr: louis and juno do not love each other in any way that cant be described as meaningless and i will hate their relationship till the day i die

[nanistar]

Any advice on how to draw backgrounds? Gotten to the point in my art where im semi confident in drawing poses and expressions but backgrounds?? girl help i can only somewhat draw a tree

oh hell yeah i love backgrounds, ive been working on more interiors lately (when not overburdened by sbc work lol) but im assuming you're asking about nature so that's how im going to answer it as okay so: -first of all find yourself a good TEXTURED blending/smudging brush because it will save your life. i use these rock texture brushes from This Studio Ghibli pack, it's $6 and i HIGHLY recommend the whole pack because it's the main one i use for most of my bg foliage/grass ect and i love it dearly

-find references either in irl photos or other artist's work. if using another artist's work watch their speedpaints or look at what you like about their art style and techniques and steal it. im serious. obviously don't trace it and pass it off as something of your own but look at how they do the aspects you struggle with, and try to incorporate that

for me, that struggle is forest foliage because i have a hard time filling out the spaces without everything looking like same colored blobs, so i looked at how my buddy hannah mudshadow does bgs because she's really good at filling out a scene and making it look natural, and i noticed she uses a lot of abstract shapes instead of trying to render every leaf, so rather than doing my base work for bushes/trees with a leaf brush, i use a chunky scatter brush now and it looks really good, and then i can go and add some leaf brushes on top of that for more definition in areas that might catch light ect so that will give it the thick, bushy .. bush look without looking crowded or too shaped

-nature is messy as hell and things are never going to be perfectly shaped and toned unless you're drawing perfectly managed hedges or something. got some dirt brown on your green bush? those are dead leaves now. accidental weird texture on your tree? the bark is gone there, something ate it. bushes and trees have dead branches that just hang out there in them, grass grows long and sometimes a deer or whatever doesn't eat the whole patch so there's long uneven sprigs sticking up. petals fall off flowers. trees have huge webs of branches

-don't try to detail everything. make things further away more abstract and messy to give the illusion of detail. throw a gradient over it for some slight tone variation or something so it;s not completely flat but ppl are going to look at your subject and see the rest of it with the corner of their eyes, so you don;t need to fully render every flower in the field. here's some examples of that

the cactuses in the far BG are just V and Y shapes, the joshua tree in the middle distance is dark with some light blobs right on the edge where the needles would catch light.

this is from 2021 so be nice to me but as the flowers go back in the distance, i stop rendering their petals and start doing blue dots with white dots, and then even further away i just sorta blend blue and green together to give the illusion of a field of flowers.

-i dont know what your style is, but i personally hate using a ton of layers and tend to merge them as i go, but for the most part i draw every panel of SBC bg on the same 1 layer, going back to front (start with sky, mountain, bg grass, foreground grass and cactus, then go back and scatter foliage as necessary) and it keeps my stuff loser and i tend to get less precious about making things look perfect. i also work very fast because i am unironically really lazy at art and am desperate for shortcuts.

-oh yeah one more thing. assuming you draw cats, cats are SOOOOOO small in comparison to literally everything. as warrior artists i think our perspective gets a but confused sometimes (i am certainly guilty of this too!) and there is absolutely nothing wrong with this because sometimes that's just how you have to build your scenes, but it really makes me laugh when i see scenes of like, rusty jumping off his fence to go into the woods, but the fence is only a bit taller than him. so try to remember things are huge and cats are small as hell

na'ni's a huge cat, all things considered but look at her compared to my small aloe plant

or the cedar tree in my front yard.

absolutely microscopic. don't look at my slippers.

so yeah. i hope this helps, it's not so much a tutorial because i don't think i'm the best person for tutorials because honestly i dont know much and this is all stuff i've picked up on, like i dont know shit about composition or values or color theory but this is important stuff to keep in mind about the environments themselves. don't worry too hard about colors at first because you can always change it by adjusting your curves n stuff. or slap a filter on that bad boy. or dont. also pay attention to your horizon line because it helps angle the rest of your piece. but look up tutorials for that because i only started learning about it like a week ago

[takeru-tenkuuji]

Please do tell us more about your ocs Ikki and Ace bc I too have brainrot about them 👀👀👀 (only if you want to of course) -🟡

anon im so sorry about what im going to subject you and many people to (if they read this (or the attempted version 2 that i tried to recall from memory due to me losing this draft originally, neither of which is advised)

***basically i found this draft lost in god knows where?? its the same but it..sounded more coherent than the other one and i just think itd be silly if i just had both left out there...lol..the only thing updated is that i added an extra doodle. everything else is untouched)

um something something heed suspension of disbelief. like ive warned, this is basically something totally made up in my head to the point that it deviates severely from the work's original intentions and such

but siiiiiiince you aaaaasked (cry) and i am currently sick with the flu so literally sick in the head i will do this until i think oh god, i have to be put down and never come back to the internet because i put my shitty yaoi au in here so in detail

we'll start with adjustments to revice's general plot (lol)

so this is an au where for me, george rly goes for the "make the ultimate kamen rider" guy. his father stays forever an asshole dedicated to finding shit about science, and would only create shit like the weekend to clean up his mess, but not because he feels genuine remorse. this (imo) gives george more reason to continue on hating his dad(?), and thinking he's creating something to surpass him.

george's obsession is created by his father neglecting him in his childhood and leaving him with just kamen rider to watch and play with while he worked. george grows up with a growing vengeance to beat his father at his own game i guess. feeds into a potential narrative parallel with olteca? idk

so george sets his sights on potential candidates: igarashi daiji, and kadota hiromi. both seek some sort of..justice or strength, proving one's worth, (till it all goes horribly wrong via canonical events). and of course, the inheritor of revice, ikki comes into play. george gambles on this.

in this version, they also find that ikki is not just a descendant of giff thanks to his father's genes, but giff's target human vessel. the only reason vail hates vice's guts besides wanting to kill genta's family, because he's protected under giff's will.

giff creates a demon, vice, to inherit all of ikki's memories (at least, the painful ones he doesn't want to remember, but it eventually becomes just, everything lol). vice gets a consciouness, ikki's humanity that wants to protect ikki, but ikki wants to throw away his humanity and becomes an empty kind of guy. vice inherits the desires to be boisterous and selfish, instead of somehow put together and reliable, but instead it makes ikki wonder what the hell he wanted to begin with, and desperately fills in the hole by trying to help people via nosiness, etc. hence the whole volcano form convo i think. idr. LOL

so fast forward to the sorta endish of the season, they destroy giffs body, which is perfect so he can be released from his physical form and move on to vice/ikki. george knows all of this information, and decides it's the perfect setup to test ikki's will to become a kamen rider through the wildest hardship or whatever. so george goes and tells everyone that the igarashis are descendants of giff and spreads fear that even though giff is destroyed, this family exists. shit happens.

of course, happy spa's small but passionate loyal clients try to protect the family and such, but then vice becomes a conduit to transferring giff's consciousness into ikki once he loses all his memories, he transforms into his own demon and starts attacking everyone.

(i tried lol) (sneaking in a new image)

giff has a good hold over ikki till- uh oh. huh. the demon you put all of the human memories is goin a lil crazy. vice, fueled by ikki's memories and intense emotions, alongside giff's uncontrollable power, ends up destroying giff (yay) but takes over ikki's psyche as an absolutely uncontrollable beast.

george, seeing this as a failed experiment, uses his backup plan to be the ultimate kr himself as juuga to defeat ikki, becoming a hero for the public watching and cheering him on. just like kamen rider!

except of course, igarashi family, everyone known through the season, the weekend kids, hiromi try to get through to ikki revisiting their beloved memories with him (gl daiji) while the happy spa friends try to hold back the angry mobs.

ikki begins to regain consciousness and wonder if he really was that kind of guy before

ikki's family is the last to speak to him and of course it's like. fond memories, bad memories, things that they like and hate about him, things that make him him, etc, and give that big ol berserker man a hug.

vice finally speaks up with his piece, revisiting his own individual memories with ikki as his demon, etc.

george is perplexed and livid, but he's not sure why. this would count as a success in his experiment, but not in the way that he thought it would be. the cliches of kr fulfilled(?). and the crowd no longer cheers him on.

ikki regains revice form, no vice because vice has uh. merge merged with him now. fights george, last busybody guy to hit. woooooo ahhh (coughing hacking)

and here comes my oc, post season vice LMFAO. which is just the hbdvd design bc i believe in giving maeda the chance to be just a liddle goth and have a little dangly earring

post canon vice is pretty much a preservation and a box holding ikki's memories, if ikki fights and forgets, he reminds him. but due to inheriting these memories and merging with ikki's messed up post canon soul, he ends up a lot more subdued as ikki no longer gives a shit about being a loud boy and breaking free. he just doesn't want to be alone. LOL (and in caption note, it's preservation vice and destruction ikki ty sorry. ikki in my brain wants to destroy memories, vice preserves them for him) yay. he switches in as easily as kagerou does with daiji, but doesn't like to make much conversation outside.

and FINALLY this is where my other oc (jkjk) ace comes in.

the weird ass movie, revice and geats battle royale whatever, ace uses a desire wish on ikki for him to remember all the battles he's had in place of ikki potentially wishing vice back. (i guess in this au, it'd just be in place of him wishing literally anything better for himself. also vice would absolutely hate that (ace)).

in terms of au material in geats, i believe in evil parents..or more like...morally.....wack ass parents....... like you can't be the goddess of creation that was abused for a silly future man game and not go a little crazy... so to me, the mother that ace seeks is long gone, and when he finds her again before she dies, she tells him they should just fuck up the world (thumbs up) for everything it's done to them. ace is faced with 1) contemplating the human side of him that craved what he believed was family (through keiwa and his sister, the complicated relationship between neon and her family, as well as ikki's) 2) whether he wanted to do anything with his power towards the world because of his mom, what his mom put him through, what the world put them through (hence the tarot card, judgement. the power and the perspective to judge the world?)

i love the ninetailed fox theme sorry so not only is he a white haired anime boy in god form, BUT A FURRY

so in this perspective, ikki and ace represent opposite sides of like..the demon and angel shared blood with human spectrum, and how they go about the world that way. how they see each other is a weird balance that clashes and also completes each other(?)

anyway that's my spiel because im losing brain as we speak and starting to feel the effects of oh god, who the hell is going to read this. if you made it here, im sorry. uhhhhh i love yaoi............