#im exhausted and for what
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#resentment is building#im exhausted and for what#i do all these things and for what#if im not crocheting im cleaning if im not cleaning im crocheting#i take all of that out of my sleep and for what#i dont even sleep anymore i just nap until i need to get up#i am on the brink of collapsing from exhaustion i can feel it#my memory has been horrible i struggle to recall events#my wrist and back are starting to hurt a lot at times and its slowing me down#i cant stay asleep i feel guilt and disappointment in myself#i force myself to get up because thats the price i need to pay if i want to spend time with loved ones#im paying the tax and for what#i used to give myself shit for not doing enough and you know i still think i could do more but thats a different conversation#but i think i do equal to or more than my fair share of the chores#even when you take into consideration that my fair share is two thirds#you know that one comic of this dad taking care of his baby and this other dad is like 'babysitting'#and then the first one is like 'this is my kid it isnt babysitting if its my kid'#anyway doing the dishes isnt helping out it is just doing (less than) your fair share#i want my house to be clean and so i clean#but i guess thats my fault for having a high standard and low tolerance#i wish it wasnt me every single time#i clean the bathtub and buy nice bath stuff just so somebody else can take a bath because im out here passing out from exhaustion#im out here passing out from exhaustion making something for someone who is#lets be real kind of inconsiderate and insensitive to me right now#they did something really nice for me for my birthday and i wanted to do something in return#they deserve my love but they do not deserve my suffering#at this point im in sunk cost fallacy land but that's a conversation for a different time im too busy being bitter#im making this huge project as a message of love but i know they dont want my love so im just being a fool at this point#yet i still hope and i still dream that they will understand it for what it is and accept it and return that love#im quite possibly literally killing myself so other people can have nice things and i wish they would help or at least recognize that
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today's flocking sketches!! wanted to try some more wide shot scenery this time so i was mainly focused on colors, composition and the feeling that drawings hold overall. maganpaulia, kaprosuchus, torosaurus and regaliceratops. also my first large ceratopsians ever!
#still don't know how ceratopsians work.#but i think i cooked#kinda?#eh i've been drawing a lot of storyboards at my job lately and doing layouts is exhausting and it's been a bit stressing overall#but what i do to make it fun?#right. i do the same in my free time but put dinosaurs in there#fuck u stress im drawing paleo things#barghestland#art#artists on tumblr#paleoart#paleoland#paleostream flocking#maganpaulia#kaprosuchus#torosaurus#regaliceratops
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Ghostfire Shen Yuan loyally following the lonely, undying, forgotten Luo Binghe from the original outline.
They never even met.
Shen Yuan had died long before Luo Binghe’s story was set to start. Abandoned by his System, he was left wandering the realms, searching for anything to latch onto, anything to stave off the darkness encroaching on his consciousness whenever he stopped. He keeps himself entertained with little jokes and references that will never reach anyone. At least back home, there were other people on the opposite side of his screen reacting, seeing. Paying attention.
He never would have thought he’d miss the times he was perceived by others. He’d give anything, though. Anything.
He stumbles upon the protagonist as he’s ascending the stairs of Cang Qiong Mountain Sect for the first time. Dressed in rags and heaving with the effort, Luo Binghe is exactly as Shen Yuan had pictured: a little bun, soft and kind and so very brave.
The excitement wears off soon enough. When the tea ceremony is held, Shen Yuan watches, hopelessly trying to stop the cup from hitting Binghe’s head. He lunges at Shen Jiu; let him be identified and exorcised, at least he would have done something with himself, however useless. It doesn’t work. Of course not—nothing can come between Luo Binghe and his fate.
Shen Yuan thinks about leaving. Many times. But every time he considers the possibility of going back to wandering the world, or just passing on… Well. There’s still a lot to see, isn’t there? It will get better. It will.
Only, it doesn’t. Not really.
There’s no harem; there’s no warm comfort offered to Luo Binghe by a sympathetic beauty, no wedding celebrations, no moments of gentle companionship, however brief, however superficial. There’s no camaraderie with his demon underlings, his generals, his allies; it’s all casual cruelty and dismissals, before it’s violence and subjugation.
There’s no joy. There’s no hope. There’s no ‘better’.
Something is wrong, that’s clear. Something is wrong, and Shen Yuan has no one to blame.
This is not the Proud Immortal Demon Way he knows.
Centuries later, when Luo Binghe begs for the heavens to allow him to die, Shen Yuan hears. When Luo Binghe rages against the passage of time, alone in the wreckage of his palace, left behind by everyone he’d ever known, Shen Yuan accompanies him. When Luo Binghe lies down in the Holy Mausoleum and refuses to get up, Shen Yuan waits, as he had for centuries, until Luo Binghe opens his eyes again and takes to the road.
They end up in a hidden realm so filled with Yin energy that Shen Yuan can channel it to manipulate his form into that of his former body. It’s not detectable by the living, but it’s there. He feels stronger, too. He can walk, float, fly, interact with what few other ghosts they encounter.
Still, Luo Binghe cannot see him.
Luo Binghe doesn’t talk much. Well, that makes sense, he was never in the habit of talking to himself, but still. It’s lonely.
They end up in a town where a diviner takes one look at Luo Binghe and offers him a free reading. Shen Yuan can’t enter her tent, well-warded against foreign entities as it is, so he waits outside.
She tells Luo Binghe of the little hanger-on he’s got. A powerful one, too, though he’s still getting used to his powers. He’s been here for a long time, she says. Since he was a child. He comes from far away—farther than even the most distant star.
Luo Binghe begins talking to him. Shen Yuan isn’t sure why, but he’s not complaining!
Luo Binghe also begins meditating again, trying to soothe the damage done by Xin Mo over the centuries. For every meal, he places a few fruits or snacks across from him on a plate he’d made himself, which he eats only after finishing his own dish. He makes space by his side whenever he walks on a narrow road. He stops at every landmark and tells stories about them, always starting the same way.
“Do you remember when…” becomes Shen Yuan’s favourite phrase.
One night, Luo Binghe sighs and looks across the table. Shen Yuan places himself so that he’s in Luo Binghe’s focus.
“What is it, Binghe?”
Luo Binghe doesn’t answer him, of course. Still, it feels like a conversation, when he says:
“I wish I knew your name.”
Shen Yuan frets. He’s been trying to manipulate the physical world, but he never got the hang of it. He’d tried drawing in sand, with water, just pushing things off shelves. And yet, nothing.
“I’m sorry, I wish—” he tries, but Luo Binghe is already talking again.
“I wonder if we ever crossed paths when you were alive.” He’s expressed this thought more than once. Shen Yuan never likes to think about how they’ve missed each other, how they’d been set up for failure from the start. “I wonder if we would have been friends.”
Shen Yuan scoffs. Of course not. Him and the protagonist? No way.
But—those cold star eyes, blindly searching for him, trying to land on him… They make him want to say, I would have liked that.
He reaches a hand out to touch Luo Binghe’s forehead. He’s taken to doing it whenever Luo Binghe broods, or makes a silly joke Shen Yuan wishes he didn’t find funny. It’s soothing.
He wishes Binghe could feel it.
When his finger touches the demon mark, it blazes. Luo Binghe gasps, that heavy gaze settling on Shen Yuan’s face.
Shen Yuan startles, and jumps away.
“No! Wait!”
Shen Yuan hesitates. Luo Binghe is looking around himself, eyes begging for even a wisp of Shen Yuan’s shadow.
He can’t deny Luo Binghe this.
He can’t deny himself this.
He reaches out again. This time, he cups Luo Binghe’s cheeks. When those eyes clear of panic and widen in awe, he whispers, softly, “Shen Yuan. My name is Shen Yuan.”
Luo Binghe looks like he’s been handed a treasure so precious he’s afraid to touch it. He hesitates, raising his hands in careful starts and stops, before taking Shen Yuan’s face in them, gently caressing the soft, cold skin of his face. His eyes dance with the haste he takes in memorising Shen Yuan’s features.
Then, he smiles. Helpless and weak and so, so precious. Shen Yuan has not seen hope so bright in Luo Binghe’s face since that fateful day on Cang Qiong Mountain.
“Hello, Shen Yuan.”
#svsss#svsss fic#luo binghe#bingyuan#shen yuan#bing-xiong#lbx#i DONT know what the fuck this is#im so exhausted. i am not in the right writing mindse#but please. please ponder this with me im begging so much#ignore every spotty grammar instance. im waving the ESL flag like its a shield#luo bing-xiong PLEASE tell me ur secreta#.txt#loyal ghost au
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ARCANE LEAGUE OF LEGENDS: 2x06 - “The Message Hidden Within the Pattern” ↳ "Vi. You've been quite a curiosity. The one who captured Caitlyn's heart."
#vi my beloved... my blorbo... what a babe i still cannot believe she got tied up kskskkssk and how is she so hot just standing there LMFAOOO#theres a typo but idc at this point im exhausted LMAO#also that last gif is something i should use more often lol#arcaneedit#arcane#arcane league of legends#league of legends arcane#vi#vi arcane#arcane vi#ambessa#ambessa medarda#ambessa arcane#arcane ambessa#type: gif#media: arcane#s2 ep6#ok im tired goodnight everyone
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You can never visit the same place twice.
Each time, it's a different story.
By the very act of coming back, you wipe out what came before.
-Maureen Johnson (The Last Little Blue Envelope)
#stolas goetia#blitzo buckzo#helluva boss spoilers#helluva boss full moon#helluva boss#the full moon#blitzø#stolas#stolitz#blitzo#stolas x blitz#Blitz#I havent even seen much of what everyone is talking about with the episode#But im exhausted. So goodnight ♡
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Do you ever do requests? If so, do you ever plan on drawing some Yandere with the Hantengu clones? :D hope you have a good day/night!!!
Mentioning an unfamiliar name
yes!! I love yanderes.. and these guys.. these guys are such good material...... nods nods..
I'm not sure about requests..I assume you mean drawing requests? I suppose if it REALLY catches my interest enough, I'd do it, but it'd probably just be line art/sketches.
#null rot#yandere kny#yandere demon slayer#kny#kimetsu no yaiba#demon slayer#hantengu#hantengu clones#sekido#karaku#urogi#aizetsu#midori306#YOU ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER TO THE YANDERE QUESTION MY BELOVED CULT MEMBER#uwaa and i recently checked back on their designs.. THEY HAVE LONG SLANTED EARS DUDE WHAT THE FUCKKK THATS LIKE THE CUTEST EVER#i tend to shitpost and focus on the dere than the yan but thats my mistake!! im sorry cult members.. I'll need scarousal#when calling sekdio. he pretends to ignore you but you can tell he heard you when his ear twitches#He's flabbergasted that you met someone else to begin with. who let you go out without one of them?!#hes too shocked and angry to even properly get upset!!#Karaku loves everything you have to say. less so if its positive abt someone else. still listens tho. listening carefully for details..#he doesnt mind others eyeing you. youre perfect in his eyes. who wouldnt? still.. thats not gonna fly well.#Urogi loves when you seek him out but mentioning someone else... is bc you want to feed him right? ofc! you want to benefit him!#its cause hes your favorite! yeah! youre so sweet!!! ofc he'll get rid of someone for you both!!#Aizetsu's bashful. he feels put on the spot when calling him but hes always hoping you give him affection of some kind. always ready for yo#mentioning someone else was NOT what he wanted and now hes sad.. youre making him sad.. whats so important you had to bring that up?#The thought of anyone else makes him feel so exhausted already.. wont you comfort him instead? he needs you now.. atone for your mistakes#uwaa expressions.. uwaaa aizetsu releasing some of the tension in his brows when hes feeling upset towards you uWAA#i CANT RAMBLE ENOUGH IN THE TAGS SO WAIT FOR THE POST I HAVE IN THE BACK BURNER FROM SOMEONE ELSE WHO ASKED FOR SOMETHING SIMILAR!!!!!!!
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completely innocuous vash sheet :) fr practice
#my art#trigun stampede#trigun#vash the stampede#trigun vash#trigun stampede fanart#trigun fanart#vash fanart#STILL dont know the tags gomen ill do research one of these days#anyway . 4 gd days later hes finally done#here is what i am learning . i love his design sm. but jesus CHRIST#all the individual elements r so time consuming i want to tear my face off. im slowly getting more familiar w the arm but God.#im so peeved at how long this took but i am trying to cut myself some slack. remembering tht his design is a 24 hour endeavour#and i drew 4 of him#3 of which being fullbody 2 of which being foreshortened 1 of which being a Maid Dress#the price i pay fr self-indulgence.....the price i pay fr [redacted]#this started out as a treat fr me n it became my purgatory#but it is DONE and now i can look at vash in a maid outfit and tied up and jacket off turtleneck Out and shirtless and- *is shot dead*#anyway huge shoutout to mey rin black butler fr being the og Maid With Gun#stole the thigh bustle from a panel of her it was just too good#anyway take it enjoy the fruits of my labour enjoy him i am . exhausted.
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honestly i think a HUGE part of the issue is that most of the left doesn't really understand antisemitism
after wwii it became wildly Unpopular to be blatantly antisemitic. obviously, it still happened. but the result of this is that instead of antisemitism being studied as a historical and pervasive form of oppression that has been around for thousands of years & has many many precedents BEFORE the holocaust.... it became:
something just simply Rude to say or do. if you're a polite liberal/conservative or a leftist, it's just something that is socially unacceptable. there is no real weight to this.
something when FIRMLY believed is ONLY held by people like nazis and white supremacists. who, as we know, are The Enemy and none of us can ever be like them at all ever by the virtue of... not being them. no need to watch your own behaviors, bc you are not a nazi! only nazis could ever be Actually antisemitic
something that erupted out of the ground in germany in the early 20th century, culminated with the holocaust, and ended after. antisemitism did not exist before that and it was solved after when the saving grace of the united states and england liberated the jews from the nazis out of the goodness of their hearts
however absolutely none of this is true. antisemitism stretches back thousands of years and it has not, for the most part, been only "fringe" conspiracy theorists and white supremacists who perpetuate it
antisemitism has been, by and large, presented as very logical. throughout, again, the thousands of years of history of antisemitism, very regular people have been antisemites. and most of them had reasons they felt were perfectly logical and understandable and most of all just. jews were trying to kill their children, of course they hated them! jews were purposefully trying to keep them poor, of course they hated them! jews believed Wrong Things and were morally and spiritually corrupt, of course there was something wrong with them. jews betrayed their country, lost them a war that ended with their husbands and brothers and sons dead, and now were living among them and taking advantage of social benefits out of the goodness of the hearts of the german people, of COURSE they hated them! and the nazis themselves were backed up by science at the time. scientific racism was THE science at the time. charles darwin was a scientific racist. it was all very logical.
and did jews actually do these things? no. but these people saw enough proof that aligned well enough with their morals and their beliefs and their fears & so to them it was completely logical and justified. it wasn't a fringe theory that only an insane person would believe in, or something impolite. it was true to them. to their morals, to their fears, to their core beliefs. it was true.
and so now we see a LOT. a lot of leftists being dragged ass first into antisemitism. because they don't even think they CAN be antisemitic. THEY aren't nazis and THEY aren't white supremacists, of COURSE they aren't antisemitic. but... well. the jews are doing things that go against their morals. they're doing things that validate their fears. the jews are violating things that go against their core beliefs! so of COURSE it is LOGICAL that they should hate them. of course, it is still rude to say "the jews are evil" so it gets replaced with "zionist". (and before you ask yes i am anti-zionism and do deeply believe what israel is doing is unjust and cruel) but even that is slipping.
it is getting all the more popular to go that one step further and instead of just making posts like "spam the hanukkah tag because the Zionists need to learn what their religion stands for" that are blatantly just replacing "jews" with "zionists", they are logically moving to being mask off. if zionism is wrong and half the world's remaining jewish population lives in israel, what about the rest? aren't they suspect? would they not ALL commit atrocities if given the chance? aren't they all racist for believing they're an ethnicity? aren't they all complicit? aren't they all threatening our deeply held leftist beliefs? it's a little weird and everyone has been too quiet for too long bc it's been rude to say but now you can get 300k notes for posting blood libel so why would you keep quiet anymore?
why WOULDN'T you just say "thank god someone finally said it i was worried about stepping on toes" when someone makes a post full of antisemitic conspiracy theory. why WOULDN'T you say "i don't care if all of israel gets bombed and every single person dies after this lmfao they deserve it"? (which would wipe out, again, half the world's population of jews- many of whom living there are anti-zionist and actively protesting their government. or. you know. children.) why WOULDN'T you make posts about how jewish identity is just nazi aryanism? why wouldn't you make posts about how the jews are privileged in america bc they run hollywood and the economy? why WOULDN'T you say the star of david is a hate symbol to you now and that you mistrust anyone using it? or that you find anyone speaking hebrew suspect?
these are all perfectly logical. to you. and YOU are not a nazi or a white supremacist. so it can't be antisemitic.
#antisemitism#long post#yall are just fucking exhausting and im going to go on a blocking spree in a moment but truly and deeply#just fucking think for two seconds about what you say
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god i know how all of this rn is probably for character development and shit, but how i wish i was dead
#im just a girl#this is what makes us girls#girlblogging#im going insane#im going to kms#female hysteria#mentally exhausted#i miss him#actually bpd#bpd culture is#bpd fp#bpd vent#bpd thoughts#bpd problems#bpd#anxifear#anxi4ty#anxienty#anxitey#anxeity#tw ana rant#tw ed ana#bulim14#stupid girl things#obsessive girl#insane girl#manic pixie dream girl#girlhood#sad girl summer#sadgirl
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ngl i get that people hype up hating writing for the bit but like. idk. yall i Do actually really like writing. it is so satisfying and fun and rewarding and i get to look back what i made over and over again and get joy every single time.
yes writing is hard but if you hate it more than you love it im kinda like. idk. find another hobby?
#also the planning parts and the daydreaming is part of the process so idk#yall it is getting exhausting seeing all the quirky see how little i’m writing shit#like what if for once i am writing and im having a grand time!!#what if not being able to write isn’t a fun joke it is honestly detrimental to my brain!!!#what if writing has been my friend when i never had any and it is the love of my life and love language and i love actually doing it perhap#talking#ren hot cakes
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Bribed with Chocolate. The way it should be.
Part 22 || First || Previous || Next
--Full Series--
More to come as this is a two-parter. But you know how I am with schedules.
Bonus:
I think this was an equally possible reaction from Chara.
#Chara and Azzy have another talk#Finally Chara shows their mischievous side.#and Azzy knows Chara's language well#my art#deltarune chara timeline#art#bread#deltarune#ngl im so happy with how that chocolate shake came out. I want to eat it so bad#yay 6 pages of taking :') i hope you guys like that lmao#Glad I got this one done in basically a month and a week! Hah. I'm trying me best :') Halloween.. Exams and a ton of other things came up#surprisingly these backgrounds weren't terrible to do... I mean took more than two hours but you know what I mean#i struggled with how to frame the background though. I actually liked drawing it. But because both the background and my characters--#--are super colorful I have to make sure I don't muddle the whole page.#Ive been thinking of doing the overworld in black and white recently... may help me actually finish the comic lol. idk i may make a poll#gonna try and get the new part out in maybe a month again? sorry. Thanksgiving and Christmas get me exhausted.
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my final pieces for my humanities project! the topic was on bearing witness to history
this collection covers some of the facets of being a first generation chinese american kid, and for me specifically, being a biracial white asian kid
#i wont really get into it here but feel free to ask me questions if you're interested#this project was both very fulfilling and emotionally exhausting dhfhjfgg but i feel like i learned some stuff! :D#my art#uuhhh#artists on tumblr#what else do i tag this as#IM CHINESE#HI#dhhdhfhfhdvd
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COMING THIS SUMMER:
7 MONTHS 36 ARTISTS 1 REALLY PERSISTENT SKELETON
IT'S THE 2023 TRUNGOTHON MEGA ART TELEPHONE GAME
[RATED R]
RIDICULOUS. this was so big that even with tumblr's recently expanded image limit i still had to weld every other image together to fit it into one post, but if you want to see every image in its full glory, i made a page for it on my website (jankily hand-coded and probably not very mobile friendly).
it was so fun to see which elements stuck around and for how long. i still can't believe the skeleton got banished and then resurrected 15 iterations later!
huge thanks to everyone who participated. in order:
@mobileleprechaun, ink drinker, @dimetrodrawn, @escherbug, @gachimushi, @ikrutt, @dunwichdrawsstuff, @mathpope, @bedupolker, @solidagold, @a-beepbop, thenauticalwarlock, @ohpsshaw, @eisly, @juenavei, me, @librivore42, @greedol, @mechabutchzilla, @phanta-friends, @tickfleato, @skelizard, elixer, @espimyte, @noctomnis-art, @bluedotjpeg, @fetus-cakes, @iguanodont, @flame-shadow, @kombuchaclock, @slimekingmike, @crtastrophe, @leona-florianova, @skelebee, @nutspider, @palossssssand, and gachimushi again for the header image to this post
whew! now time to seriously consider a yearlong 72-artist game...
#not actually rated R#bflyart#art telephone#if were mutuals and you're interested in joining the next one of these you should definitely hit me up#man idk what to even tag this with#i'll uh add some other tags later i think#im fuckin exhausted#also i dont care that this is a long as hell post im definitely gonna reblog it a couple times
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Not a big fan of capitalism
#i do not want to charge people to see my art#i have a job on top of doing this little art blog#every time i show this little project of mine people tell me i better find a way to monetize it to make money off of this#its just very frustrating to constantly have to explain that i want people to just see and cherish my drawings#i dont want to be reliant on making art to make my money i think that'd not work with what im going for#and it would turn art into a deeply frustrating experience i try to constantly optimize to get the most amount of money from#rendering experiments and trying out new artstyles something that could legit put me out of eating food 👍#but really#the job is not good for me i am always do exhausted#it really takes so much effort to draw sometimes
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rewatch the show yall. it gets even better if you do.
#personal tag#good morning im still sadly exhausted so i’ll probably make gifs later instead#but please rewatch the show. i too missed some nuances when i was watching it as i was so overwhelmed with what was happening#yall have rewatched s1 a bunch of times. do the same for s2.#god i hate seeing all the negativity in my dash but i get why ppl are also disappoint but i still dont think it warrants the hate#remember to watch it to enjoy the media and not because you want to see what you want to see. watch it for what it is and dont get clouded#on whatever expectation you have and you will get a clearer judgment of the show#and read some analyses of the bigger brain people. im sure theres going to be more getting published as the days to by.#anyways gn im going back to sleep#i’ll make more things when im free
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Hi Penny, I’m wondering what is your stance on Game Preservation?
i think all video games are bad
#sorry im being a little mean#a tumblr account with no posts coming in hot with a 'what is ur stance on...' ask out of nowhere drives me to exhaustion though haha#obvs companies should let their games be accessible full stop we literally gain nothing from shoving them into a vault
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