#im dying and sick and depressed so

[voxxian]

i literally only come here when i have a meltdown occasionally lol i miss when i was a happy kid on this account but that will stay where it was made like 3000 pages ago

[daydrinking75]

im just so fucking sad and scared all the time and its ruining my life

[hecksupremechips]

Girl like. The reason he said "this is how it should be" and faced death with a smile....is cuz he wanted to die. For 2 years he sat there thinking he was worthless and deserved to die. If he hadn’t be shot, his death would’ve been suicide, he was fully planning to die in a gutter somewhere undetected. When saying "this is how it should be" hes literally saying "don’t cry because I’m dying, my death is a good thing actually because I fucking suck and you are better off without me". I don’t think that’s badass even slightly, it’s actually really sad and really shitty. Shinjiro is so convinced that he deserves to die and hates the idea of anyone giving a shit about him because he literally can’t wrap his mind around the idea that he will be missed when he’s gone, that his death is a bad thing actually. And his last words were meant to be comforting because he fully did not intend for anyone to be there when he died, he intended to die alone, so he says them as a reminder that he’s not worth crying over

Personally, if it were me, if I was holding my dying best friend in my arms who was deeply depressed and suicidal and he said "this is how it should be" uh. I wouldn’t admire him for it??? Like am I losing my mind when I say the way this game handles Shinji is bad or is anyone else seeing this too 😰

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

.

[clonewarsahsoka]

ONF WAS IN VANCOUVER ON TUESDAY AND I MISSED IT???????????

[archi-pelago]

ya hoo, waaahooooo yippee, hooray, woo hooooo

[lilac-melody]

😶‍🌫️hm.

[digirainebow]

gOd i love teen exo

[onepiexe]

i just realized i never sent a msg back oops

[augujerdeer]

everyday i am trying so hard not to have a mental breakdown on main because of IRL shit. i am doing a fantastic job

[xojaxoffxo]

Ah I've ruined myself. And not the sticky fun kind.

I've gotten myself trapped financially to some guy who literally just fell asleep while I was talking about my new job and all this stuff I'm concerned about and what's going wrong. Literally finished what I was saying and was met with silence. Turned around and he was passed out.

I can't even argue anymore. I just don't care.

Ah this is such a strange blog. All my deep dark sexual fantasies and all my sadness. I really should start journaling again...

[philosophicallie]

I love to ask for food because my stomach is empty but because my fucking intestines are angry I can't do anything about anything I just have to take pepto and drink gatorade

[wangxianficfinder]

Fic Finder

Oct 21st

~*~

1. Hiii first of all i just wanted to thank you for being able to find the fic i was looking for last time :)) im looking for this fic that i cant find anywhere it was a modern au on ao3 where wangxian dated in hs or college but lqr forced lwj to break up with wwx (through txt if i remember right) but wwx didnt know that lwj was forced so when they meet years later and lwj is working for the lan company they hire wwx and the wens to work on the cybersecurity and wwx is rlly angry while lwj is just pining. TIA!! @draconislyra

FOUND? Tempo Rubato by Spodumene (E, 108k, wangxian, modern, angst w/ happy ending, romance, persuasion au, separations, pining, miscommunication, depression, self-harm, reconciliation, smut)

~*~

2. theres this fic and i forgot the title, but its where jin ling has been wearing wwx's protective bracelet since he was a baby and assumed/thought his mom gave it to him and the bracelet is rlly effective! but in guanyin temple, su she(?) broke it but wwx fixes it and strings the bracelet back together

FOUND! a symbol to remind you that there's more to see by paperminds (T, 9k, JC & JL & WWX, canon-compliant(ish), post-canon(ish), Canon-Typical Violence, Hurt/Comfort, Mild/Moderate Angst, angst with happy ending, Yunmeng Shuangjie, Twin Idiots, Reconciliation)

~*~

3. Hi! I'm looking for a specific fan fiction i remember that both wwx and lwj has lived a long and happy life and now they think it's time for them to leave the world lsz is very upset and doesn't want to let his parents go they go upto a field to fall asleep or smth, there was also wwx telling lwj how tired he is, I've been dying to find this one

FOUND? The Sea Calls Us Home. by selfptrts (T, 3k, WangXian, ZhuiLing, Suicide, Hurt No Comfort, Established Relationship, Heavy Angst, wangxian are married and have a son, xicheng if you squint hard enough, Mentions of Canonical Character Death, Assisted Suicide, References to Supernatural (TV), References to Canon, Found Family, Grief/Mourning, Immortality)

~*~

4. Hello! I'm in desperate need of help. I'm trying to find this one fic where NMJ gave WWX Baxia since he couldn't wield her anymore. I remember a scene where he was struggling with her but then JC(?) told him he was still using sword forms so he needed to find a different way. Thank you so much in advance!!!

FOUND? Lynchpin by ShanaStoryteller (Not Rated, 103k, WangXian, JC & WWX, Time Travel, Fix-It) WWX definitely ends up weilding Baxia in Lynchpin, and there's a scene about WWX creating a new Sabre sword style.

~*~

5. Hii, I'm looking for two wangxian fics that I unfortunately don't remember much about. A) The first one was one where the war was solved and WWX joined DafanWen, I remember that Dafan's robes were pink/peach and I think DafanWen became a medical sub-clan of Lan.

B) The second one was a post canon where WWX basically adapted to life in Cloud Recess. He learned to knit and I think the fic had a tag that had to do something like "something about gender roles". @canisirio

5A)

FOUND? 💖 Light Source by abCEE (M, 31k, wangxian, not Jiang friendly, no golden core transfer, fall of the jiang sect, happy ending)

5B)

FOUND? Reeds in the Wind by merakily (T, 26k, WangXian, Post-Canon, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Yunmeng bros Reconciliation, Rabbit Therapy, Sewing Therapy, PTSD, Emotional Baggage, Hurt/Comfort, JC is Bad at Feelings, JC Needs a Hug) I feel like it's not the right fic but it does have wwx doing embroidery

~*~

6. hi this is for fic finder!

i think this is starts when wwx is still in the burial mounds with the wens and he's called? because lwj is sick like literally in bed, unconscious with fever sorta sick. I think it turned out to be a curse or smth related to his golden core!

also another fic, also these two fics coild be the same so I'm not sure

it could've been related to the first request, I kind of remember wwx sacrificing or getting harmed to save lwj and then all the Lan elders kind of give wwx a new core in the caves in cloud recesses

this is really messy, I'm just trying to say that I remember these 2 points and they could be in 1 fic or 2 different fics

thank you sm @bunnycoffeeumcat

FOUND! Weep You No More, Sad Fountains by athena_crikey (T, 59k, WangXian, LXC & LWJ, LXC & JGY, Canon Divergence, Fix-it fic, Whump, Curses, Fever, Delirium, Stabbing, Loneliness, Confessions, LWJ’s emotional repression, WWX giving everything as always, LXC realising sympathy is not support, LQR Being an Asshole) for the first point but not the second so I guess this is 6a?

FOUND? 🧡 decay by antebunny (G, 15k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Angst, Misunderstandings, Miscommunication, Fix-It, Angst with a Happy Ending, the fluffiest ending, Hurt/Comfort) Are they maybe thinking of decay by antebunny? I know the ending of the fic has a similar scene to what they were describing

~*~

7. Hi. I am looking for a fic where Baoshan Sanren knows about Wei Wuxian’s fate but cannot directly interfere. Instead she raises Mo Xuanyu as a cultivator and Talisman Master who helps Madam Jin keep Jin Ling safe in Lanling Jin before leaving for the Imperial Exams. Before he can reach, he is assassinated by Jin Guangyao. Wei Wuxian then wakes up in the body and decides to write the exams, becoming a high ranking minister. The emperor takes an interest in the cultivation world a few years later.

FOUND? Awakening: Return of the Patriarch - Another Way by SplitGirl28 (M, 35k, WIP, Transmigration, Related to Jin Guangslut again, Nobody has access to WWX's notes, Experimentation Underway, Established SongXiao, A-Qing Lives)

~*~

8. Hi! I'm looking for this fic where wwx and lwj are thrown into an arranged marriage together, and don't know each other. Wwx is generally happy and excited, and lwj sees this and immediately hates him, bcoz he wanted a calm, quiet spouse to live with. The whole thing is orchestrated by Madam Yu, who basically abandons wwx at cloud recesses bcoz she figures he would be miserable here. Lwj doesn't like him to or try to understand him, so wwx slowly gets more and more depressed and suicidal, kind of as a parallel to Madam lan. I think he tries teaching for a while, and he's very good at it, but the elders step in and claim he's corrupting the children, so that's that. He finds the yin iron, and plans to destroy it worth a circle that will also take him out along with it, but before he can go through with the plan lwj realises how depressed he is and starts making an effort to help him. The fic ends with lwj offering to run away from cloud recesses with him, and wwx telling him no, he doesn't want to be some sort of shameful indulgence, if lwj really wants him he'll stay and fight with the elders on his behalf @arsonistbydaylibrarianbynight

FOUND? Concord by Deastar (T, 41k, WangXian, Arranged Marriage, Gusu Lan Sect Rules, Depression, Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending)

~*~

9. Hi! For the next Fic Finder, I’ve been trying to find a fic where LWJ leaves the CR to go help WWX in the Burial Mounds. It kind of starts of with LWJ and WWX confrontation after WWX rescues the Wens. There’s a sequence where LWJ is gathering stuff to take to the Burial Mounds. Then in later chapters it’s LXC, LQR, and a couple of Lan Elders going to Yiling to try and bring LWJ back to the CR. They find him in Yiling, selling produce, only to discover that LWJ is living a happy life with WWX and is no longer following Gusu Lan’s rules as he lets a bunch of kids decorate his hair. Sorry this is super long. I can remember what happens in the fic, but for the life of me I can’t remember the title. Thanks a bunch!

FOUND!🔒Unpack Your Heart by Terri Botta (Isilwath) (T, 22k, wangxian, Romance, Everybody Lives, Canon Divergence, LWJ Has Feelings, Protective LWJ, Burial Mounds Settlement Days, LWJ Stays at the Burial Mounds, Burial Mounds Ensemble as Family, Wangxian in Love, YLLZ WWX, Lan Clan Elders are Assholes, Minor Transgender Character, Qiongqi Path Divergence, LWJ loves his bunnies)

~*~

10. hi - i’m looking for a f/f wangxian fic. lwj and wwx start as friends but there’s obvious sexual tension (wwx still thinks she’s straight, and keeps “baiting” lwj). lwj lives near her mom, and she bikes to visit her with wei ying. there’s a scene where wwx is wearing novelty panties with a weed leaf on it? and wwx turns out to have nipple piercings which makes lwj go insane? eventually wwx is like “i may not be a woman but you’re a lesbian so you can’t love me.” and lwj is like. nah. i love you?

~*~

11. Hi! This is for fic finder. I honestly dont remember if it was a fanfic from this fandom or a chinese bl novel i red years ago. It didnt help that i dont remember much of the story. I will call them mc and ml (if it was a fanfic, wwx is the mc). They are an actor. The mc got a big role and there are a sex scene in the film with the ml. And then the mc catch a feeling to the ml. The plot of the movie they shoot is where the mc always running away. The movie plot kinda resobate with the mc feeleng. And the writting style is tell a twi stoey. The movie plot and the fic. Long story short, the mc get kidnapped. I dont remember if its trully happen or the movies's plot but i think the mc was genuinely kidnapped. The kidnapping is meticulous that make people tell the ml to brace himself for the worst case scenario. The ml helped to find the mc. In the end, the mc is found but in the bad shape. Near the end of the story, they are in shooting where the plot is the ml found the mc. They hugged and the staff say that it feels genuine.

Im 80% sure its a wangxian fic. I read that around 3-4 years ago. Thanks! @idontknowwhattowriteforusername

Hi im #11 in recent fic finder. I dont know if it will help but it involves a cottage (where wwx is held when he is kidnapped), a river (i think their investigation lead to the river and found a red scraf), a red scraf (i think wwx knit it? I dont remember but it his). Its not outsider pov and not a twitter fic (i dont know what is called). I think the film they play is a porn one? (Not sure about this part). Thanks!

NOT FOUND! call me, beep me by myung (T, 39k, wangxian, modern, social media, actors au, celebrities, chatting & texting)

~*~

12. fic finder: does anyone remember this one fic where lan qiren was looking for a way to get wwx a new core and he calls for people to make spiritual donations or something? wwx didnt think anyone would volunteer but when he looked there had been a huge crowd gathered to help him

FOUND! I'm Sorry & Thank You by Iamnotawriter (T, 12k, LQR & WWX, WangXian, Canon Compliant, Post-Canon, Golden Core, Canon-Typical Violence, lqr's epipheny, Angst with a Happy Ending)

~*~

13. Hi, can you help me find a fanfic that I missed? It was about WWX who died (supposedly in his world, devoured by corpses) but he travels to another dimension, he thinks it was because of the Stygian Tiger seal, and finds another version of himself that was from that dimension. There is a specific scene where WWX (modern) teaches WWX (cultivator) how to use the shower and WWX (modern) talks about Su She who was his boyfriend and such. In the end, Huaisang reveals that the two WWX have the same DNA and that he has never seen an identity of him. / oi, podem me ajudar a achar uma fic, (hi, can you help me find a fic,) It's from wwx that he dies and travels to another dimension, where he meets another older wei wuxian, this wwx (modern) is investigating a case of dead people, there's a scene where they take baths together (Wwx (modern) teaches wwx (cultivator) how to use showers) and wwx talks about his jerk ex-boyfriend who was su she, there's a specific scene where wwx (modern) confronts su she (ex-boyfriend) he (modern wwx) meets lwj who was a teacher of something and they end up getting close.

(this part moved to Itmf)

both requests by @quwieiidkd

FOUND? so when you go wherever it is you will go, take the moon with you by comforting_monachopsis (T, 138k, WWX & WWX, WWX & WQ, WWX & WN, wangxian, JC & WWX & JYL, past WWX/SS, past WWX/XY, canon divergence, time travel, dimension travel, modern, private investigator WWX, professor LWJ, trauma, serial killers, strangers to lovers, BAMF WWX, hurt WWX)

~*~

14. I'm looking for a fanfic, but I can't find it. Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji share an unsatisfying night, but fate keeps bringing them together. thanks! ❤️

FOUND? 🔒 Bad Sex, Good Loving by Nyatci (E, 18k, WangXian, Explicit Sexual Content, Implied/referenced WWX/Others, Implied/referenced LWJ/Others, One night stand WangXian, PWP, but like, Bad Porn with Good Plot, The Plot is the Porn being Bad, Self-Esteem Issues, Communication Failure, Idiots in Love, Falling In Love, Practice makes perfect, They work on the communication thing eventually, Under-negotiated Kink, mild angst with a very happy ending, BDSM Undertones, Consensual Non-Consent)

~*~

15. hi this is for ficfinder!

I think this was based in the 1900s? and lwj is an exorcist of sorts, and I think wen qings family calls him for help, because I kinda remember her opening the door for him and granny is also there. wwx is a Gardner in the wen house and he's also the necromancer. I think the phrase used was similar "there's a friendly gardner"

thank you sm!

FOUND? sweet beneath sharp edges by isabilightwood (E, WangXian, Historical, Jazz Age, Light Horror, Demonic Cultivation, Ghost Possession, Haunted House, Cultivator LWJ, Gardener WWX, disabled character (WN), WRH is not a good uncle (or father), Mystery, LWJ is sent to exorcise a house and flirts with the gardener instead, said gardener may or may not be the monster he was sent to kill, Madam Lan Lives, Monsterfucker LWJ, Bottom LWJ, Resentacles, flirting via fruit, Weirdo4weirdo wangxian, Oral Fixation, WWX eats the rich (literally), Power Bottom LWJ but wwx is still in control)

~*~

16. Hi, I’m searching for a fic I read quite some time ago. Wwx actually remembers Lwj confessing to him after the Burial Mounds siege and then they’re kinda forced into a marriage? Lwj goes to live with wwx and the wens but wwx treats him horribly. Lwj by then had been whipped and so he’s terrible pain all the time.

Thank you so much 😊 @bcozwhythefuknot

FOUND? ❤️ A Myriad of Blossoms by Itszero (E, 56k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Arranged Marriage, Forced Marriage, YLLZ WWX, Hurt LWJ, Cruel wwx, he’s cruel until he’s not, Protective WWX, Caring WWX, Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Eventual Smut, Bottom LWJ, Dark WWX)

~*~

17. Hi!! I've been looking for this fic for a while, I hope yall can help me. So what I remember is that LWJ becomes the YLLZ's concubine, spouse, bed warmer? They spent years apart, and WWX held some resentment due to a misunderstanding (LWJ was punished with the whip and couldn't be besides him?) I remember this scene where LWJ is wearing a (silk?) robe. Then WWX funds out about the whip scars and It was a whole thing that solved the misunderstanding, I believe. It may be a AU since there was some kind of Magic besides canon stuff? Like, the Wei Sect? members were part something (demons, animals, idk) and It happened to LWJ too for being in the BM. Oh, and MXY and A-Yuan were there too! I hope someone can help me. Thank you!

FOUND? the necromancer's fairytale by iliacquer (E, 17k, WangXian, Top LWJ, Bottom WWX, but they have switch energy, safe sane consensual noncon kink, is the Yiling Patriarch a kink, incoherent worldbuilding is incoherent, Past Torture the lan family are terrible sorry, Rough Sex, Pain Kink)

~*~

18. hello! i'd like to ask for a fic finder! it's at least two-three years old, and on the shorter side i believe??

the first one is CR study arc, where lwj believes wwx's prank was specifically because he found out lwj is a cutsleeve/has feelings for wwx. i think he gets silently angry like canon, and later he confronts wwx about it? (it's not works/32795896 though it's similar)

~*~

19. Hi! I'm looking for a specific fic - I think I read it at least 2 years ago, maybe earlier. WWX is hidden by (I can't quite remember if it's after 13 years or before hand) JC and JYanli, and pretends to be a woman whilst figuring what to do now. Jin Guangshan hits on her, and as always, LWJ falls for WWX in a different form. Whilst at the Golden Carp Tower, WWX is also in a wheelchair - I can't quite remember why. Everything gets revealed eventually.

FOUND? My Leaves Reach Ever for the Sun by nonplussed (T, 26k, WangXian, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fix-It, Crossdressing, Idiots in Love, Sharing a Bed, Canon Divergence, Happy Ending, Mutual Pining, Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies)

The Housewife's Guide to Causing Chaos by dvasva (M, 132k, WIP, WangXian, Canon-Typical Violence, Functionally Trans Character, Mild Sexual Content, Domestic Fluff, Love Confessions, Transphobia, Good Parents LWJ and WWX, Pining, WWX is a Tease, Grief/Mourning, Body Dysphoria, Fake Marriage, Canonical Character Death, Misunderstandings, Doting LWJ, Canon Divergence, Arranged Marriage, WWX is not in MXY's body, Misgendering, Mild Angst, Assumptions, Comedic Elements, non-sexual nudity, Blood, Discussion of Various Bodily Functions, Cloud Recesses Shenanigans, 4 years of mourning instead of 13, Méishān Yú Sect, POV Multiple, Corporal Punishment, Trans WWX, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, pregnancy mention, Timeline What Timeline, Sexual Harassment Threats) Both of these have jgs being a creep towards wei ying

FOUND? Wei Wuxian, Who's That? by bumbledees (T, 48k, wangxian, crossdressing, pining, sibling feels) Both of these have jgs being a creep towards wei ying

FOUND? By Any Other Name by ShanaStoryteller (Not Rated, 31k, Wangxian, Canon Divergence, Crossdressing, Misunderstandings, Identity Porn, Identity reveal) idr if theres a wheelchair involved for sure. i feel like there is but im gonna be honest i always forget abled ppl exist so in my mind when i read everyone is using mobility aids all the time until i get reminded otherwise lol but i do recall that he is weak and regaining energy so its possible he was using a wheelchair atp for that reason ? either way its a good fic

~*~

20. Hello, i love what you're doings! A fic I'm looking for: JC and LWzj time travelled and decided to fix canon. As such, they spent a lot of time together. But that lead to everyone- especially wwx - to think they're a couple. Wwx is okay with it, but really bothered that he keels getting dragged into their dates @midnightlighthowlite

FOUND? ❤️ For Both Of Us (And Time Is But A Paper Moon) by sami (E, 65k, WangXian, Time Travel, Some People Live/Not Everyone Dies, Fix-It, Hurt/Comfort, Healing, Yunmeng Shuangjie, Canon Divergence, Asexual JC, First Time, Getting Together, BAMF JC, BAMF LWJ)

~*~

[seattledayone]

dina and caretaking

i think there’s a lot to be said for the situations we see dina in throughout tlou2 and how they tie into her backstory, as well as any potential guilt she may be carrying with her.

the first time we see her, she’s supervising a group of children. even though she’s not necessarily taking care of them, she’s still taken it upon herself to ensure their happiness and safety, and it seems like something she does often considering how ellie and jesse know exactly where to find her.

every time after that, she’s taking care of ellie (or, later on, jesse). she’s not a pushover by any means, but she allows ellie to take charge and is always there when the other woman comes back to her with cuts and bruises and bucketloads of trauma to sport. even when she starts to suspect she’s pregnant, she doesn’t say anything in favor of letting ellie finish her mission and keeping her the focus of the trip. when ellie returns from killing nora, broken and beaten, dina doesn’t berate her; she immediately takes to getting her comfortable and as patched up as she can.

when jesse arrives, the first thing dina does is help him take care of his wounds, and she makes sure to check in on ellie and stitch her up too. at the farmhouse, she literally says “you think this is easy? for you and for him, i deal with it,” implying that she sets her grief aside in order to take care of the two most important people in her life.

in my opinion, this all ties back to talia.

talia used to be the one to take care of her, alongside their parents back when they moved from place to place. however, once talia fell into grief-stricken depression, it was dina’s “duty” to lead them to a safe place and keep talia alive.

and she failed.

talia still died. she still succumbed to the world around her, though we don’t know how. no matter what dina did, no matter how much or how little she let herself feel, she couldn’t keep her sister alive.

i think she sees a lot of talia in ellie, particularly at the farmhouse. in her eyes, she may have failed with jesse and failed with talia and failed, even, with herself, but she has an opportunity to right those “wrongs.” she has an opportunity to save ellie. maybe she thinks that the reason talia died is because she pushed her too hard to keep going despite her grief, and that’s why she’s so overly lenient with ellie for the longest time.

until she isn’t.

again, this is all just my opinion, but i think that when dina says “im not gonna do this again,” she is not only referencing waiting in anxious anticipation for ellie to return but also finally admitting to herself that she can’t save everyone. she can’t be waiting with open arms for the sick and dying and traumatized to be patched up and coddled until they run off and do something reckless again. she cannot be the healer. finally, she understands that it isn’t her shortcomings that bring about the deaths of those she loves.

even if she doesn’t understand that quite yet, she now has a baby. she can’t afford to put herself or him in a situation like that — or around people like that, purely out of protectiveness over her son and his view of the world.

she’s letting herself and her peace and safety come first, something that, up until now, we haven’t ever seen her do.

[i-still-got-love-for-you]

hi!

could you please do a reader x jason grace fic were reader was severely injured and barely survives?

(feeling a bit angsty hehe)

Soon You'll Get Better

Jason Grace x gn!reader

910 words

cw: god i hope im doing the angst thing right, there IS fluff bc i would cry if there wasn't, i really hope its gender neutral tell me if it isnt, once again verb tense grammar that might only bother me

a/n: thank you for this request!!! i had so much fun writing it <333 hope you like this!

Rocks were raining down like deadly raindrops from the sky. It was getting harder and harder to dodge them, and your lungs were burning from the running. The Laestrygonians weren't letting up. Percy's story of the "Dodge Ball Game of Hell" came to you at that moment. You were sure this was worse.

You were cursing your godly parent, wishing you had Hermes' gift of speed at that moment. At the risk of slowing down, you looked back t see how close the giants were. They were slowly gaining on you, and a random burst of adrenaline made all your pain fade away.

Blood was pounding in your ears, feet hitting the ground in tune. Just beyond some trees, you could see Half Blood Hill. The force field around it wad your haven, the only way the endless storm of rocks would stop.

You were climbing the hill now, falling and scraping your knees in the rush. Your hands were shaking and covered in scratches and the rocks were getting closer and closer-

You felt a pounding on the back of your head just as you saw Peleus. You stopped in your tracks as you made eye contact with the dragon and promptly fell over. The last thing you remembered were a pair of black glasses.

─ ୨୧ ─

Jason was panicked. It was a feeling he was unfamiliar with, numb and lightheaded and unable to think about anything other than you. He had found you at the border, surrounded by boulders and bleeding from your head.

His brain immediately went into autopilot. Checking for a pulse, carrying you to the infirmary. He was promptly kicked out by Will Solace, who stated he was “hovering worse than a moth near a lamp.”

He could hear the shuffle of feet through the door, sometimes broken by the sound of voices too muffled to be of use. Then, he heard someone yell, “We’re losing her!”

His heart dropped. His whole body might have gone with it, had he not quickly moved to a chair. Losing you? How?

Thousands of thoughts flooded his brain, words he wanted to say, things he regretted, his future with out you. The latter were the scariest of them all, each one more depressing than the last.

Him slowly falling into madness, him isolating himself from the rest of the world. Dying alone, him doing something stupid in his grief that gets him killed.

His nose prickled, warning him of the tears pooling in his eyes. Oh god, what if these are your final moments?

The door opening snapped him out of his downward spiral. He shot up out of his chair and wiped away the tears about to fall. Will looked tired. The bags under his eyes were more pronounced, his hair rumpled, and he was swaying slightly.

“She’s stable, but we put her into a deep sleep so she could heal with minimal pain. We wrapped her head to stop the bleeding, but only the nectar we gave her is going to heal her,” he informed the son of Zeus.

Jason sighed with relief, “Thank you, Will. So much.” He went around the boy to enter the room, pausing as he saw you.

You laid lifeless, the bandages on your head almost obscured your face. Hundreds of tiny scratches littered your arms, sure to scar. Jason didn’t care, all that mattered to him was that you were alive and you wete going to wake up.

He took your hand as he sat beside you, and the scabs he felt made him sick. The nectar might have healed up the smaller things, but the marks you still had were remnants of worse cuts. You almost died. You had almost left him. Permanently.

─ ୨୧ ─

Right next to you was where Jason was for the next three days. Holding your hand and praying to any god he could think of were the only things he did. It took a lot of convincing (and a threat to kick him out) by Will (and Nico) to get him to eat something.

It was on the third day that you woke up. It was a particularly sunny day, but with it came midday heat. Not that Jason noticed. Because what point was looking at anything other than you? What was there to feel other than the black hole in his heart?

When your fingers squeezed his hand, he shot up in his chair and called Will over. The son of Apollo rushed over just as your eyes opened, immediately asking you how you felt and if there was any pain.

Over and over, you assured him you felt nothing. He leaned over and removed the now bloodstained wrap around your head. “I’ll leave you two alone,” he announced with a small smile on his face.

You turned to Jason and damn near fell out of the bed trying to hug him. He caught you and positioned you back on the mattress, half his body going over you. He chuckled, thankful you couldn’t see his teary eyes.

"Gods above, I missed you," he exhaled. Maybe his arms were a bit too tight, but you weren't complaining.

You laughed, "How long was I out?"

"Um..." He hesitated, not sure how to proceed. "Three days?"

Your brain stopped working for a second, processing the number. "Well then, superman, we have a lot to catch up on," you whispered as he caught your lips in kiss.

[psychabolition]

i think the funniest reason against self dx being that only drs are capable of thorough unbiased assessments is that most drs are not unbiased or thorough. they barely even assess.

True !! Its so funny when people reify a "professional judgment" about you that psychologists make in 0.2 seconds because of the jeans and boots you wear and your dyed hair. Like my clothing and hair dye unironically played a role in getting diagnosed with a personality disorder several times.💀 one psychiatrist told me that my top and boots look histrionic and my hair obsessive compulsive . Another one told me that Im antisocial because my jeans are ripped and I "sit like a rockstar" . no one can tell me that diagnoses are a scientific truth and not a moral judgement about me. Another one told me that he can tell by my hair and clothes and the way I sit and talk to him that Im "promiscuous" (=that I have a lot of casual sex) and that thats a sign of borderline . Im literally asexual .I dont know how I could ever take any diagnosis seriously .

But honestly I personally dont use the biomedical model (=which says that mental illness is the same as physical illness. This model tells us that if we have a psych label then we have "symptoms" of an underlying "illness" .) to understand my experiences at all anymore. I neither think of self dx nor of prof dx as particularly helpful. But honestly everyone can use the framework that makes most sense for themselves to understand their own experiences obviously. I would never tell someone that theyre using the wrong words to describe their own experiences or the wrong framework to understand themselves - I'm not a psychologist.

I personally reject all diagnoses and use a different framework instead of the biomedical model that makes more sense to me - the neurodiversity framework . I think of a lot of the experiences that got me diagnosed and that also made me label myself as "ill/disordered" as simply a deviation from "neuronormativity" (=whats societally deemed 'normal' to think/feel/do depending on your assigned gender/age/socioeconomic status/...) - this includes the norm deviation of "suffering more severely than others" . It just makes more sense to me since all mental illness diagnoses are solely descriptive labels - they literally only summarize experiences that you have . Thinking "well i do x because i have y condition (which was diagnosed based on clinician observations of x) and my brain is simply broken in a way requiring me to submit to expert clinical management and surveillance" was a sure way to make me go to therapy and try meds again and again and again . Like when I said "Im suicidal because of my depression (which is a label I got because I am suicidal)" it was like saying "I'm suicidal because I'm suicidal" . Its a circular logic . The question remains: what was actually the cause of my pain ??? Theres never been found a biological cause for any mental illness label by the way (neither low serotonin in depression nor a genetic defect in schizophrenia or that neurotypicals have a different brain than neurodivergent people or whatever else) .

So the reason why I personally dont see both, self diagnosis and professional diagnosis, as helpful is because it made me think I need to take medication and go to therapy to feel better and to lead a life that I enjoy . Its ironic that I ever thought that since therapy and meds always made my life much worse. and I know for certain that I would be doing better nowadays if I had never been to therapy and if I had never taken any meds. Believing that my diagnoses (self dx or prof dx) are true and say something about me made me think that I'll never be happy in life, that I'm a lost cause and that no one can help me (I was always labelled as non-compliant and as uncurably sick) . I dont think of myself as ill, I think of myself as neurodivergent (= deviating from neuronormativity) .