#im dissociating as i am speaking sort of deal

[carcarcraziiv2]

hi!!!i wanted to do a request (im shaking as i write this bc this is my second time ever doing a request-) about Kayn having a crush on a reader that's part of Pentakill.Reader looks super mysterious and scary but in reality they're just shy and also have a crush on Kayn and both of them confess at the same time.Take your time and have a good day!!!

I am so glad you requested it! It's okay to be nervous! I AM SO SORRY IT TOOK ME SO LONG I LOVE YOU AND I APOLOGIZE <//3

I LOVE THIS PROMPT- especially for someone who is in Pentakillllll like that is so exciting. I am so hyped for this! I hope you enjoy <3

Content / Warnings: Mature language (the 'b' word lol), Alcohol consumption. Not much else really....

Word Count: 1883

Kayn was never one to show his fanboy nature, even though everyone in Heartsteel already knew Kayn had a secret obsession- Pentakill. Specifically, the bands mysterious, cold and ominous bassist; you.

You on the other hand, although already being the bassist in a rock band, had somehow gained a reputation for being the "dark" or "moody" bandmember in comparison to Sona or Kayle. In reality though, you just liked keeping to yourself, rarely being the first one to speak, often sitting alone on the stage speakers or out back of the concert houses having a smoke before or after a show.

Regardless of the publics opinion of you, you loved your bandmates. You were just shy, so when Kayle approached you notifying you about a possible collab with your personal favorite band Heartsteel, you couldn't help but be incredibly anxious.

"What do you mean we are 'meeting' with them tomorrow," you inquired, glancing up from your book to see Kayle lean against the kitchen counter and take a drink from her cup.

"Oh, come on Y/N. Don't you like... oh which one was it?" She pauses and you take in a deep breath before letting out a sigh. "Kayn, right?"

You sit up from your spot and set your book down. Arching your brow and rolling your eyes at the winged woman, you chose to ignore her inquiry.

She scoffed before saying a little quieter, "Well Yone said Kayn likes our bassist. Guess it's not that big of a deal. I'll tell him we will pass on the meeting."

She began reaching towards her phone on the counter, causing you to pause mid-stretch and jump up to stop her.

"Wait!" you shrieked, cringing at yourself immediately thereafter.

"I knew it," Kayle smirked. "Our meeting is at noon by the way." As she walked away, you slumped back onto to the couch and let out another dramatic sigh.

~~

Kayn was going to kill Yone. Rhaast on the other hand was threatening to constantly break through at any moment with sheer excitement.

They were meeting Pentakill today. They- more specifically- were meeting you today. He was terrified. What if you hated him? What if you thought he was weird, or worse- what if Rhaast made an appearance and said something outrageous or out of pocket?

Kayn shook his head and rolled his eyes before splashing his face with water. He stared at himself in the mirror for a moment, silent dialogue only heard by him plaguing his mind.

Do not do anything brash, Rhaast.

Oh, I would never, Kayn.

~~

The meeting wasn't long. There was clearly some sort of friendship history between Yone and Kayle. Beyond that, everyone chatted like long lost friends aside from you - always silent and observant, and Kayn who sat at the large meeting table across from you.

You didn't fail to notice how he consistently stared at you. You were lowkey jealous because you wished you had started first. You weren't about to have a staring contest with him now.

You hadn't realized you were dissociating into the wall next to the large bay window until you were snapped out of it by Kayle's voice.

"Y/N, did you hear me? We are going to partner up for our song collab." Her lips rose in an evil knowing little smirk. "You and Kayn will be working together." Damn her for playing teacher right now.

A blush immediately erupted on your skin as you glanced at Kayn and gave him a shy smile. He let out a dramatic sigh and you were ashamed to think you were actually excited to have a real excuse to talk to him for an extended period of time.

"Alright everyone, let's start today and you can all figure out arrangements for your individual meetings. We will have our group meeting biweekly. Once we have a song, we will figure out our practice schedule and all the other details!" Yone smiled politely and everyone began standing and walking to their partners. As you observed, you saw both sett and K'Sante give looks to Kayn as they passed by him, almost teasing.

You couldn't help but be mortified by their social ques. Had Kayle spilled the beans about your silly little crush on Kayn? Oh Gods, what if Kayn knew and was staring at you because he was wondering how the hell he got stuck with the quiet freak from Pentakill as not only his partner, but his crush.

You sighed inwardly as you walked slowly towards him, looking anywhere but his direction. He was more confident than you thought, looking straight at you as you could see through your peripheral and starting the conversation.

"Hello, Y/N, right? I guess I should introduce myself- I'm Kayn," he reaches out a hesitant hand. You smile politely, shyly, in response.

"I'm Y/N- well you already know that anyway, heh..." you stutter, flustered due to the close proximity between the two of you. You give another awkward smile, and then let out an exasperated breath before continuing. "So, when and where would you like to meet up for these brainstorming sessions?"

Kayn seems to pause for a moment, putting his hand under his chiseled chin in a thinking pose. His gaze leaves you for a moment, before returning to your own.

"Dinner, you pick where you want to go. I will schedule if you send me the name of the restaurant. Here, put your phone number in my phone," he pulls his phone out of his pocket, unlocking it and handing it to you. You raise your eyebrows in surprise, not even second guessing the dinner suggestion. There's no way he could be asking you on a date, right? No, you're not delusional.

You input your number and quickly bid your farewell as Kayle waves at you from the door. You hadn't realized everyone was gawking at the two of you as they waited to leave for the evening.

~~

"You know you don't have to do this at dinner Kayn? May as well have asked her out at that point," Sett smirks at him from his seat on the couch.

I told you, Rhaast hissed in Kayn's mind. It's too obvious now.

"Nah, don't worry. It is just a lunch between colleagues to brainstorm for a song. Nothing more, nothing less." Kayn glares at Sett, before walking into the bathroom to spray on some cologne for the first time in a very long time.

~~

You were so nervous. Even more nervous than you had been previously. And when you get nervous, you babble.

So before leaving for dinner with Kayn that evening, you gave yourself a pep talk in the mirror.

"Do not say anything stupid." Yeah, right.

"Do not be a clumsy mess as per usual." Will probably stumble trying to sit in the chair.

"Do not be ominous and awkward." Can't change your nature, baby.

Gods, your inner dialogue was a bitch.

You had chosen to wear casual yet flattering attire to your dinner, sticking to your usual all dark fabric and accessories. After getting ready and checking yourself out in the mirror once more, you went outside and got on your motorcycle with your backpack slung over your shoulders.

Letting out a shuddering breath, you began the not so long journey towards the restaurant. You had suggested one close by that you did enjoy, although the nerves in your stomach suggested you probably wouldn't be doing to much eating.

Upon arrival, you hung your helmet on the handle of your bike and stepped off. Before heading inside, you spared a glance at one of the windows only to see Kayn openly gawking at you stepping off of your ride.

Unbeknownst to you, he was thrilled to see you on a motorcycle. It was a thing with him, something about being rebellious or dangerous compared to the norm always caught his eye.

Quickly averting your gaze you let out a deep sigh to ready yourself and walked into the restaurant- ignoring the hostess and walking the corner to seat yourself in the booth across from Kayn.

Placing your backpack on the bench next to you, you let out a breath.

"Hi, Kayn," You smiled politely, your voice quieter than you had intended.

"Hi, Y/N," He smiled back. This evening his expression was eager, his eyes alight with dare you say- mischief. And you couldn't help but notice the slight blush that caressed his cheeks under the yellow lighting of the lamp above.

"So, do we want to order first or get right to business?" The question tumbled out of your mouth casually, and it took you a moment to realize that you actually felt quite comfortable sitting across from him in this moment.

"Well, I already ordered us both a drink. I hope you like Gin and soda," A gulp audibly escaped his throat and your lips twitched up in an almost smile.

"Actually, one of my favorite cocktails. Thanks, Kayn."

Gods, he liked the sound of his name on your lips.

The evening went on without a hitch, the two of you talking casually. By the time a few hours had passed, your food long since finished on the table in front of you, you realized you hadn't actually gotten to any brainstorming.

The drinks had started getting to you, loosening up your nerves. Before you knew it you were blabbering on and grabbing your backpack to pull out your notebook.

As you were looking down, Kayn was staring at you.

Just tell her, you coward. Rhaast was yapping again, but the booze had Kayn tuning him out. He was planning on it anyway.

"Sorry, I knew if I spent this much time with you I'd end up talking too much. Must be because of how much I like yo-," you paused. Were you saying this out loud?

You heard Kayn pull in a sharp breath, before softly saying,

"That's interesting. I was just trying to hype myself up to say that I have had a crush on the cute bassist from Pentakill for awhile now. Please tell me I didn't hear you wrong..." Kayn's eyes were wide, one eyebrow raised as he bit his lip.

Your jaw fell open, before you promptly closed it and blinked a few times.

"Wait, really?" You smiled. You couldn't help it. And as Kayn looked at you, he knew all of the assumptions the public made about you being dark or ominous or mysterious were bullshit. You were like starlight shining in a dark sky with that smile.

"Really. I swear it. Yone and Kayle I think did this specifically to set us up, actually. Everyone else on my side has known I've liked you for awhile. Lucky for us Kayle and Yone have... a friendship." He grinned sheepishly, running a ringed hand through his pink hair.

You laughed out loud then, having had made the same assumption yourself. "I thought the same thing!"

And as the night waned on, the restaurant eventually closed and the waitress was forced to kick the two of you out. The drinks had worn off over the time you had been there, opting for water instead.

As the two of you walked down the steps back to your motorcycle, Kayn looked at you and pulled you in for a hug. You melted into him momentarily before he released you.

"So, I have a request," he stated. You nodded for him to continue, your brows scrunched in question.

"Can I have a ride on your motorcycle?"

~~

The End! I hope you LOVED IT AND AGAIN IM SO SORRY FOR THE LONG WAIT! I have basically been AFK irl lately lol. Thank you for the lovely request!

[schizopositivity]

recently i've been going into stupors for like 20-40 minutes where i'm just completely absent from the world and over the past week i've done a lot of reflecting and researching and OOPS does it turn out I have a lot of catatonic symptoms...

but no matter how much i surf the web i can't find anything on coping with them aside from taking meds (and i'm in like the three month long waiting period in getting referred to a psychiatrist. ugh.)...is there really nothing else that can be done with them? i have physical education next semester and i have no idea how to explain my symptoms to whoever my teacher will be. im thinking of going to my guidance counsellor but no matter what they can do to accomodate me im still just going to not be able to function normally in that class.

do you have any resources on how to deal with catatonic symptoms aside from meds, or at least how to explain them to non schizospecs?

to me this sounds more like dissociation. cause ive experienced both dissociation and catatonia and theres a distinct difference for me (and accounts ive read of others). this is purely my opinion based off this ask, i am not a mental health professional, just someone with experience.

dissociation you are not aware of your body, or viewing yourself from the outside or through an altered perseption. its common for people dissociating to feel absent from the world. i think its great that you are able to tell how long this goes on cause i know for me and plenty of others we cant really tell how long it goes on. spacing out is even a form of dissociation that falls on the less severe end of the spectrum. and that form is extremely common, i dont think ive met a single person who has never spaced out or lost chunks of time doing so. and dissociation is pretty common too, it comes in a lot of forms and is brought on by many disorders, trauma or stress. for me i have OSDD, so i dissociate very frequently and severely as a result of my childhood traumas. as far as treatments go, it usually is some sort of therapy to adress the cause of the dissociation. for me that was EMDR therapy that i found very helpful. as far as accomidations in school go, id advise you to go to your student resource center. for college there is usually an ADA office, for middle/highschool there is the counselors office. both usually require a formal diagnosis, or a letter of recomendation from a professional for you to show what your disorder/symptoms are and then you can tell them what accomidations you need for it.

catatonia in my experience is very different. i am very aware of my body. i am seeing the world as clear as i normally do, and i just simply cannot move at all or can only do one motion over and over again. for other catatonics they can appear agitated, be in strange positions, speak in echolalia and other symptoms that arent shutting down completely. for me, i feel trapped, and i tell my body to move as i usually do and it just cant. its extremely distressing, i feel broken, and im screaming and moving on the inside, but totally quiet and motionless on the outside. and if i am able to move one joint, ill move it over and over in an attempt to get some sort of help. catatonia usually occurs in disorders like schizophrenia, bipolar, autism spectrum disorder, and in many medical conditions. it is seen as a pretty severe symptom because it literally stops all physical functioning. and yes sadly there isnt much treatment besides medicine and just waiting it out (like ive done every time ive had it). from my experience it doesnt matter what people say or do around me, ill understand them perfectly, but it still wont snap me out of it.

from the outside these two symptoms can look the same, someone not moving and staring blankly. but according to the DSM, catatonia is not a form of dissociation. and although there isnt many public accounts of how catatonia feels, i have never heard anyone describe it as "completely absent from the world". but i have heard countless times people describe dissociation like that.

its also worth noting that not being able to move the body at all even if you want to can be a symptom of a medical condition, and if you have the chance i think its worth bringing up to a dr.

but if it really feels like being completely absent from the world i think thats something that a lot of people understand the experience of. spacing out is extremely common. and many people i know, people who do not have dissociative disorders, have experienced times where they spaced out and lost chunks of time. im not trying to downplay it or say its not cause for concern, but if you think the words fit, i think explaining it to other people as "spacing out" or "dissociating" will have a lot more people understanding what it is and how to work around it.

sorry for this very long answer, its just an intresting subject, and i have lots of personal experience with both and i want more people to understand the difference. once again i cant say for sure if you do or dont have catatonia. but i think dissociation is something that would be worth your time to research. and articles comparing the two are lengthy and talk more about underlying causes, while sadly i couldnt find anything comparing how they both felt, i do have my own experiences to talk about and hopefully explain it from the pov of the person experiencing it rather than the dr observing it.

[hauntedkkitty]

hi systems of tumblr i need Help. i am a questioning system and i have been for a long while now and idfk what to do or think anymore

i cannot talk to any sort of therapist / psychologist about this, so please give me any assistance you can even if its just "this sounds like ____" / "this relate to this and i have ___" / ANYTHING please

warning i dump some of my trauma here but i also put red text that just gives a summary without heavy desc so you can skip the description if you dont want to be triggered or upset.

tw child abuse, mentions of death / injury

basic info about me that may or may not relate

- i am a minor with cptsd & autism

- i have a Lot of repetitive trauma. like i dont wanna traumadump it all rn but a Lot.

- i am disabled

- all my older relatives are all shitty people which i cannot ask for help with this. all my younger relatatives would not be able to help. there is no one who i trust enough to help me with this So hiiii anon tumblr blog here i am

-i have not wanted to live for as long as i can remember [and i can remember very far back].

- i had a lot of periods in my childhood where i go Blank for a while, like, memory wise. i would "wake up" somewhere else the middle of an action and have no idea what was going on or why i was there. or felt out of control of my body, i dont know if this has lessened or if i have just grown used to the feeling if that makes sense

- i am psychotic. i have been since i was little and i know how to deal with it now and do not have any Serious delusions or hallucinations anymore

-ive been questioning whether or not im a system for a Long while now but i never get far with it because i literally cannot figure myself out.

- i do not feel i have a real personality

- i dissociated a Lot in childhood and even now.

- i feel like shit went Wrong when i was meant to develop into a normal person and i am now fundamentally fucked

- i have done a Lot of research of osdd/did [and disorders in general] on and off for some years and have never found a conclusion for myself Help me

trauma dump about my experience with possible alter - scroll to red text if you are triggered by: religious trauma, suicide mention / suicidal thoughts

when i was a child [this is abt when i was around 8] i was heavily in denial about the fact that i wanted to die.

i knew my parents [abusive] would react Badly and also i was religious and raised to believe i would burn in hell for it so i just Refused to admit that i hated living.

one day i saw it on the news with my parents [it was some headline like "suicide rates rising" or sum idfk sorry] and my mother said "who would be crazy enough to try and kill themselves" and she wanted an answer back so i said "haha yeah..." and i heard a voice behind me [like Right in my ear behind me] say "you would" [as in you would be crazy enough]

this was not an auditory hallucination. i did not have voice hallucinations at the age and it was extremely different to anything i have ever experienced.

and i was fucking terrified cause as previously mentioned i was raised religious and thought this was a demon trying to tempt me into sin and holy fuck there was a creepy girl whispering my deepest darkest most sinful of secrets in my ears

the voice whispered more into my ear about my inner workings and thoughts and stuff i was in denial of

i have no clue if this makes sense but when i heard its voice i saw like a Flash of info about it. like when you suddenly remember something and the whole memory just Vwoops into your brain? some physical traits and some personality traits, along with the fact that this thing Knows me deeply and knows everything about me?

i looked behind me and asked my mother if she said anything and she said no and gave me a weird look.

i never mentioned anything to anyone because i was convinced they would hurt me if i did.

i felt its presence in the back of my mind [it didnt speak often but even when silent i could feel its presence like the way you know when someones staring at you].

i kept refusing it and saying i did not want it and ignoring it everytime possible and eventually i felt it fade [not the right word but idk wtf to say. it went In or it just disapeared or something]. i felt kind of at a loss when it happened cause i didnt know what to do.

i considered the idea that it was trying to help me but even if it was i had no clue what it was.

TLDR: 8ish yrs old. i was in denial about my mental issues. i heard a voice in my ear very clearly wording out my mental issues in a way i could not. freaked the fuck out and ignored it even though i felt its presence for like a month and eventually i stopped feeling it there. no clue what that was

i told a system blog this experience once and they suggested that i look into bpd & aspd and that they dont know what to say as theyd never heard of something like that happening so young before

since then i have been never heard the voice behind me or any other solid voice. i dont know if it was an alter who went dormant or just some weird dream or hallucination or what.

i ignored it for all my childhood because i was scared. at some point a few years ago [covid times] i felt something similar again, not a voice but Something and i felt the immense need to try and figure it out. i did a Lot of work and all i could figure out was that voice probably Was trying to help me in some way. i was heavily in denial about most of my trauma and mental illness until like a few years ago because my family basically cult brainwashed me Haha.

also also i have had a lot of times where i have not felt Myself but have also still been there. its hard to word but i was still There watching myself do things and if i Really wanted i could try and stop my body from moving but like.... I didnt feel like i was Alone in my brain if that makes sense??? bru idk its that Feeling that someone else is there thing again.

trauma dump warning if you are triggered by: phys abuse [by father] mention, desc of me fearing my abuser would kill me scroll to red text

a time like this that stands out a lot is when i was younger [9+ -14] and my dad had just hit me and yelled at me and he pushed me down and i nearly hit my head on the stone kitchen counter but i just missed it and i was struck with this horrible fear because what would have happened if i did hit my head? i would probably be seriously injured. ive hurt myself on there before and it wasnt even that bad then but i still needed to go to the hospital. would i have died if i hit my head then? is he going to kill me now? and i was filled with so much fear i couldnt move and i had no idea how i would get out of this. i was literally backed into a corner. i completely spaced out.

i felt myself kinda Snap back in my mind for a second like idk how to phrase it but my mind Changed and all of a sudden i had a clear plan like Streamlined to my head and all emotion and desires other than SURVIVE were pushed out And like i felt So out of it and disorientated and ouguhhhhh felt weird bru idk how to word this shit was Odd and moving my body felt weird.

i saw myself run upstairs and check for injuries and try to clean up nd fix body but i did not feel like i was moving ??? like i was Out Of It and my body was just taking care of itself and i was just There like what is happening. OH I SORT OF HEARD A VOICE AGAIN HERE BUT IT WAS MORE LIKE. sudden dominant thought than voice in my ear voice. it was just telling me what to do and questioning if i had bandaids in my room.

TLDR: a time that stands out is when i was younger [9>14], i was being abused and nearly had a serious injury which i slimly avoided and was frozen with fear and spaced out. i suddenly felt myself snap back into place, disorientated and completely Weird, and felt thoughts [a plan to get out] that were not mine. i did not feel fully in control of my body and like i was being fed another persons thoughts as i saw my body tried to help itself. i felt like another persons thoughts were dominating over mine and all in all Strange.

anyway i kinda got back into myself after i was mostly taken care of but i was still Not Fully There if that makes sense??? like i still wasnt responding or thinking or talking or moving ANYTHING like what i usually do and i was aware of this and i was really confused about it and what was going on

sorry if this is worded wrong i wrote most of this late at night and again im autistic and get misinterpreted a lot and also my memory is kinda fucked up

anyways if anyone could could shed any light on this in literally anyway you could i would be super grateful.

ALSO if you think this is some form of osdd/did/plural thing Please tell me how to speak to the people in my head cause idk its weird like this i would like to know what is happening in there and not feel like im suddenly being possessed or like im insane

[0rph1x]

i did this last month so im gonna redo it just for fun bc im bored

ive been good!! not dealing with insane amounts of bullshit anymore and honestly ive been doing incredible now that i dont have to worry abt it

nope but i think itd be fun to start one, i just dont remember a lot of my dreams enough to write it down

my future. whats in store. just hoping that its good =]

i am now!! im done taking care of someone elses mental health now, so i can focus on making myself happy

the ppl i have now absolutely are, im doing a lot better

YES I HAVE. YES.

yeah!! i made bacon and eggs for breakfast, had some ramen for lunch, and leftovers from dinner last night

high school ap lit teacher <3 i would love to be an english teacher

UHH UHHHH the single eye emoji, its so much funnier than the double eyes

still dont know what this means skjafhdkjs idk

great question. green.

physically its my eyes, emotionally its my resilience

not atm i love my hair color

nope but id love to get both at some point

i dont have any yet =]

SPIDERMAN. SPIDERMAN. LOVE THAT SILLY.

still spiderman <33

UM. idk all my favorite guys are deeply troubled and have their own love interests already so i think im good

still tbh its andrew garfield just bc hes silly

talking abt my interests or my. mental illness. KJGHSKJGH

uhhhh idk tbh! i dont have a preference for any

in certain subjects! im rlly good at english and science and nothing else

its soooo bad it needs to be fixed thats why im gonna be a teacher

english for sure

UM. jupiters rllly pretty, and im an Earthy Guy <3

my black pants with the white stitching for sure

i dont wear makeup so idk

i have no idea. independence. kindness. family.

english fluently, and just a tiny little bit of french

i have no idea tbh i dont have one

any sort of alien life dude i love space

same as the previous answer

im not rlly sure tbh, ig in some cases it could be a thing

i dont think ive manifested anything im gonna be so real

absolutely, i think love is 100% real and its great

not atm

not unconditionally yet but i have made so much progress and im continuing to work on it

very specifically end of spring beginning of autumn

edgar allen poe just bc hes silly

THE AMAZING SPIDERMAN 2. coraline is a close second tho

i dont think so, it can be summoned up in my liked songs on spotify tho

atm its my bestie friend grey <3 hes a silly guy

my mom, but its my post and i make the rules so also my best friends

i do!! i havent in a while but i do!

literally anywhere i wanna travel wherever i can

what. idk what this means. yes.

that orangey red color in sunsets

not a shot

kind. loving. hesitant.

y e s all of my best friends, my irls and i will just sit there and talk for hours

uhhhhh im not rlly sure

none of that, im not religious at all

all of them theyre all so interesting

aghhhh its not going well i am worried for sure sjkdfasjdfh

a lot of things tbh. abandonment. ending up alone. big dogs with sharp teeth. the dark. loud cars. not being loved.

no, but i cant wait to be the best and most free version of myself as i can be

just me tbh =]

educate if possible but at some point theres nothing u rlly can do

yeah!! i used to catch them a lot when i was a kid

i have yet to see mountains so beaches

rlly good <3 i love u chocolate

again garlic chicken I NEED TO POST THAT RECIPE DAMMIT I FORGOT

no, but it seems rlly interesting like its rlly cool

im not but it seems awesome

nope but ive been told that i look intimidating before ppl hear me speak

sweetheart??? i think???? at least i hope so, i love bein called sweetheart

forgetting is so much easier. i dont think u have to forgive anyone but moving on and progressing is important

i wanna buy my mom her own house one day so she can just live her own life without any worry

idk what that means but hopefully

what

yeah i have but that couldve just been dissociating instead

not rlly tbh i know id fuck it up

future, i have so much hope for my future

that like grungy aesthetic, thats what im trying to achieve

idk tbh but probably home person

calla lily, green apple, and thresher shark

yeah i have!! ive been whale watching which is so fun

im not sure, probably just compliment me out of nowhere

absolutely, i think strangers can be so incredibly nice

kinda both, it depends on the day/who im with

i dont rlly keep track, but my mom compliments me more than anyone

yeah! i always try to compliment at least one person a day

nebulas <3 stars <3 comets <3

mars it seems so fun

uhhhh anything lavender/vanilla scented

MOSS AGATE. YES.

i dont rlly have a favorite tbh

i mean i dont pass too well yet so i dont come off as a gay guy but online it seems really easy

im not sure! i think i have a healthy balance of both

nope but that would be interesting

i absolutely try to

literally any phase its so pretty all the time

my mom my mom i wanna take care of her the best way i can

i think so! theres probably more i could do but i think i do okay!

UM UM UM dark green i think

lavender or vanilla <33 its so nice

oh yeah i have a bunch that i keep in bed, i only sleep with two tho

"you owe the world your gifts, you just have to figure out how to use 'em" - uncle ben, tasm1

i sure hope its real but idk what i believe tbh

im not sure! i would love to be a shark tho thatd be fun to just swim around

OKAY IM DONE IM DONE. MUTUALS PLS DO THIS ITS SO FUN.

100 questions for whoever wants to ask themselves or answer:

How have you been ?

Do you have a dream journal?

If you could dream about something all your life what would it be ?

Are you taking care of your mental health?

Do the people in your life take good care you?

Have you left the toxic people in your life ?

Did you eat well today?

What's your dream job?

What's your favourite emoji?

Where do you want to astral travel ?

If you could see only one colour, which colour would it be ?

What is your favourite thing about yourself?

Would you like to colour your hair?

Do you have tattoos or piercings ?

What do your tattoos represent?

Who is your favourite fictional character?

Who is your favourite movie character?

If you could marry a fictional character who would it be ?

Who is your idol ?

What are your main niche's here on Tumblr?

What is your favourite astrological sign except yours and why ?

Are you good academically ?

What are your views on the education system?

What is your favourite subject ?

What is your favourite planet & element?

What's your favourite piece of clothing?

What's your favourite makeup product?

What are the main themes of your best life?

How many languages do you speak?

Who is your favourite historical figure?

What's your favourite unproved theory?

What's your favourite conspiracy theory?

Do you believe in law of attraction ?

What is the best thing you have manifested?

Do you believe in love ?

Are you in love with someone?

Do you love yourself unconditionally?

What's your favourite season?

Who is your favourite poet ?

What is your favourite movie ?

Can your life be summed up in a song/ movie?

Who is your favourite person on Tumblr?

Who is in your irl favourite person?

Do you write or make art?

Where do you wanna travel?

Do the flame coloured skies light your fire?

What is your favourite colour of the sky?

Do you know anything about your past life?

What do you think your soul is really like?

Is there someone you have deep talks with?

Who is your favourite deity?

Are you a religious , heathen or spiritual person?

What are the other cultures except yours that you admire ?

What are your views on ongoing world crisis right now ?

What do you fear ?

Would you be someone else if you could?

Who would you like to be ?

What would you like to do with racists and homophobes ?

Have you ever caught a butterfly?

Beaches or mountains?

Describe chocolate .

What do you like to eat the most?

Are you into spirituality?

What do you like about being spiritual the most?

Do you think you are intimidating?

Are you a sweetheart or a baddie ?

What do you find easy , forgive or forget ?

Something you really want to do for your parents .

Are you in your soul community right now ?

Are you a starseed ?

Did you ever have an OBE ?

Would you like to time travel?

If yes past or future?

What's your favourite aesthetic?

Are you a hippie or a home person ?

What's your favourite flower, fruit &animal?

Have you ever travelled in a boat?

What is the best thing a stranger has done for you ?

Do you believe in the kindness of strangers ?

Are you an introvert or an extrovert?

How often do you get compliments?

Do you generally compliment people ?

What's your favourite space entity?

If you could inhabitate one planet where would you choose?

What are your favourite essential oils ?

What are your favourite crystals?

What is your favourite tarot card ?

Do you find it easy to express your sexuality?

Are your right brained or left brained?

Have you tried third eye awakening ?

Do you usually channel your creativity?

What's your favourite phase of the moon?

Is there someone you would really like to do something for ?

Are you a charitable person?

If you could add one more colour to the rainbow what would it be ?

Which fragrance do you think represents you ?

Do you own stuff toys?

What is your favourite quote/poem of all times?

Do you believe in afterlife?

What do you want be reborn as ? What are your characteristics?

That's all have a great day ✨

[thestarseersystem]

vent about previous post. i kinda had a breakdown in here. tw about things that can make you dissociate. I dont know what though. DPDR maybe?

now Im thinking of how bad is my trauma? because of that post. Im just gonna say... I don't know. I probably won't know the depth of it.

Ive said this before, but its been hard to understand that I have symptoms because of people I've grown up with have had more overt symptoms than I have, so to accept that I went through something tragic is difficult to perceive.

I am pretty sure that I was abducted at some point, but I have no recollection of anything that could imply that, my family doesn't know anything, and there's subtle signs, but I don't know if anything actually happened. I don't have any overt reasons. And also, I am pretty sure that I had a ritual performed on me, by the cult that my dad was in, by "family friends". And I am pretty sure it happened, but there's so many gaps in my memory and just dreams. I dont know if anything actually happened or not.

And like, of course, things I do remember, that I have been bullied since preschool, I dont know why, but it happened. I can't give you details, but it happened. And other stuff like that. Things I know happened but don't actually know specifics. My childhood is that and shattered, but lighthearted memories.

I don't know if my trauma was severe or not. And it's just... really unsettling that it could have been worse. I feel so.. somewhat envious of my friends who know more than me, and it brings me so much paranoia that they know their overt symptoms, but I don't know anything at all. And it's plagued me for years, this inherent feeling of just being "different" and "ostracized". So.. I get this sense of feeling that it's "not fair". But I don't even know what happened to me, or who I am sometimes. Its not fair that I can't remember, but I hate the fact that other people want to forget, I don't want to forget all the important things. I don't want to forget all the good memories I had with my dad, even though he's dead. I don't want to forget all the important things. But I don't know and it's scary.

And I don't know if I'm like everyone else. Because I feel so different from everyone around me. It's frightening. I want to be so badly like the people around me... So like.

I don't think people get that there's those like me who dont have a distinction between regular trauma and severe. I don't know who I am or what happened to me. And I've treated it as normal for about 20 years. It's fucking crazy that I identify with every single symptom of polyfragmentation but I am still unwilling to accept that I have DID. It's fucked. I don't know what I am.

So even if it's in front of my eyes, that I was killed and brought back to life, I still won't know and won't accept it. I don't think people understand how dissociating it is to try to differentiate it. Its so simple to make a generalized statement, and say its nuanced, but its absolutely.... unable to understand. i dont know how to deal with that.

system error.

[br4inr0tx]

Greetings and Salutations ♡ meant to do this awhile back, but if you're still doing matchups I'd like to request a hazbin hotel matchup, if not that's okay feel free to ignore

My pronouns are She/Him and I’m Pansexual. I'm an INFP, sign being Scorpio. Im a 5'4 Hispanic female with a pear shaped figure and am a bit chubby. I have shoulder length dyed red hair thats messy constantly and gets in my face all the time which others tend fix for me for some reason. I’m an extroverted introvert, though it's really hard to speak to people or make friends as I suffer from paranoia and have scopophobia (I also have depression, and PTSD. I tend to dissociate/ feel as I'm not real) so it's rather intimidating to be around those who are new and I'm not comfortable with, I can be considered a non people person due to the fact I'm hard to approach thanks to my resting bitch face and keep my distance. It leads to many making assumptions about me / not liking me. My style consists of Goth/Grunge, and my interests align with my style as I love true crime, horror movies, gore, analog horror, induldge in the splatterpunk genre of books and love junji ito and have a few of his manga. I love finding and collecting little things for my friends and give it to them as a gift no matter what it is to the point my friends call me crow as a joke. When I finally become comfortable with someone I become very talkative and speak in a rather fast paced manner and tend to speak in both English and Spanish. I love to joke around with them and banter. Most of my humor comes off as rude or just fucked up, though I'll never joke in a manner that actually hurts the person and will apologize if I've overstepped. I’m not good with my temper however and can be pretty mean, or just go very quiet. If pushed far enough I’ll snap at anything and everything to the point I'm nothing but numb and the goal is to hurt the person. My favorite things to do for comfort / hobbies are drawing, reading, writing, playing video games (overwatch, dead by daylight, hollow knight) and or blasting music ( MCR, Get Scared, Deftones, Pierce the Veil, Souixie and the banshees, Mother Mother ). I’m a little clingy and possessive with those I love / am romantically involved with due to a lot of issues I need reassurance in any form of way it doesn't matter how big or small. I enjoy doing things for others and speak rather romantically and call them pet names. Dealing with insomnia I'm definitely awake most hours and am happy if someone is a night owl and spends that time up with me as night is likely my favorite time always having adored the moon and stars . I’m definitely a masochist and a switch though am guilty of leaning more towards submissive,,, ♡ - Cherri

you omg I remember you. thank you for the matchup on my end, I really appreciated it. :)

Your Hazbin Hotel matchup is.. Alastor !!

• This might be biased because you’re his wife, however, I just feel like the two of you would click. Husk would find you way too soft emotionally, Niffty wants someone more dominant, Angel is well..not attracted to any sort of femininity.. and Charlie and Vaggie find your gruesome interests frightening. Another person I thought about was Pentious,, but I think any parter would grow tired of his naivety and arrogant nature. And I just genuinely can’t picture you keeping up with Cherri-Bomb, light heartedly.

• So, that left me with this fucker. He has softer spots for certain people (as seen with Niffty and maybe Charlie) and when it comes to you he treats you somewhat like a..cherished pet? Trust me, you most likely would want to be put at that level than be on his shit-list.

• You’re so small and fragile..how could a tiny thing like you fall for him so easily- and not be intimidated? He teases you about it often, using you as an arm rest, or just by grabbing something atop the shelf just to show how bigger he is to you.

• Deep down, he loves you for you. He wouldn’t change a thing about you even if things about you he wishes you to get stronger from or at. Everyone has flaws, and he knows that. Learning from those flaws is something he wants to teach you. Perhaps you could do the same.

• For example, he finds some of your fears pathetic. As a high and mighty figure there isn’t much for him to fear, so its understandable. Though he might tell you to suck it up if he’s running low on patience. Other times he’s more forgiving.

• His style is more of a gothic Victorian thing. Or as Angel says; a pimp. With his New Orleans background I’d like to think he would dress similar to Dr Facilier from The Princess and The Frog.

• Point is, he enjoys a good dark toned style. Dress in something more of his style, and his jaw will DROP.

• He’s kind of tough,, he won’t watch movies with you, or watch anything really TV related. Though if theirs a live projection screening, or talk show on horror movies or true crime, he’ll watch or listen that way. I think he makes his rivalry with Vox really clear that way imo.

• Alastor doesn’t get this manga you read. The visuals are impressive-sure-but why do you read it backwards? And why is it all mostly pictures? Ironically, I see him reading them anyway just to understand them. He loves to learn if it partains to him.

• He takes the nickname "crow" to seriously, symbolism wise. Crow’s are related to death, bad luck, revenge, and most importantly..pride. Really anytime he sees one it compels him to think about you, and in return maybe even get you a thoughtful gift. In his prideful way he changed it into a nickname you should be proud of. He tends to just call you “my crow.”

• Fast or slow talking, Alastor is very quick witted and usually understands every word you’re saying. He has very fucked up humor and would gladly join you in bickering about morbid things.

• As a overlord, he doesn’t really have time for insults. All "water off a ducks back" n stuff. He makes an effort to teach that to you as well. Though that effort quickly becomes slightly hypocritical when someone says something to you while he’s right next to you. I mean, the audacity, right?

• Again, being an overlord he can’t show any sense of vulnerability. That being said the only way you can see him even close to being cuddly is in your shared bed, shortly before the two of you fall asleep. He might settle for slight hand holding, but even then only with a limited amount of people.

• Alastor is a healthy man, physically, and makes and effort to get a proper sleep schedule. He’s going to help you do the same, even if he has to use one of his spells or sing you to sleep. Those times are the times you’d see him cuddle you the most.

• Most of the pet names he uses are “dear”, “love”, “darling”, and “sweetheart”. Simple, yet with his charming and smooth voice, very effective.

• Imagine the two of you dancing to Arm Tonite by Mother Mother. He admits it’s not his type of music, but something about the lyrics pulls at his heart strings.

• Or even imagine a cute date night with the two of you..first he takes you out to dinner at a VERY expensive restaurant, and then takes you out stargazing. It’s all different from what it used to be with the red sky and all..but he hopes it’s just as enjoyable.

• I know it’s canonical he’s asexual, but I think he’s still romantic? Especially in the additional comic where he somewhat flirts with some ladies. Though the fandom, per usual, throws that out the window.

• Still, he gives more dominant vibes for any relationship. He’s used to being at the top for most things, so why should it just stop at power?

• The two of you are peas in a pod. Your own little twisted fairy tail. Whatever I could use to describe to cheesy romance- you get it. A match made for in hell. <3

[nitroish]

YEAH!! legends a magicy man, he frequently uses object magic which means he's really familiar with a whole bunch of types of magic [a magic object will have its own magic source, meaning that people who regularly use object magic experience magic from a variety of sources and a variety of uses (depending on what objects they use)], and i imagine he's especially in tune with magic uses and the differences in the feel of magic in different eras, like you said! the light world has a constant flow of light magic, so light world-ers don't pick up on it unless it's very, VERY concentrated, but legend is very in tune with the light magic, and can feel the way other magics flow through it and affect it. this is also a lot of the reason why he dislike dark magic- he's very familiar with light magic and the way other magic interacts with it [like you brought up, it makes him feel full, aware, complete], so having something that feels like it's supposed to work like light magic but just doesn't can sort of destabilize the connection he has with the world often sends him into a state of dissociation and dereality. the two forms of magic he can't really sense are light magic [as i talked about before, it's something that's very constant, so while he's like, in tune with it, its not really 'sensing' if that makes sense (pun intended)? its more that he feels the way other magic moves with and around it i guess] and mind magic. mind magic in general is very, VERY hard to sense, mostly due to the fact that the changes are internal and subtle rather than a tangible, external change. mind magic is just difficult as a general statement- difficult to use, difficult to sense, difficult to master, difficult to fight against, difficult to deal with. it can be devastating when used correctly, though, and legend knows that very, very well. how else do you think that a whole army of guards could be so quickly and easily convinced that a young boy had kidnapped the princess, and that they had to go kill him no matter the cost? yeah. mind magic on a large scale can be absolutely detrimental, and it won't just go away with the snap of a finger. even if the magic is lifted, it leaves a lasting impact, and when that impact affects a large population of people, it can be incredibly, incredibly difficult to undo [that's also why it's the only kind of magic that's downright illegal without very, very specific circumstances. dark magic is stigmatized and has stronger restrictions than most other kinds, but use of mind magic in nearly entirely banned]. couple this direct and traumatic experience with the fact that he can't sense mind magic and you get the only type of magic legend is downright terrified of. sure, dark magic is uncomfortable, disorienting, even makes him feel physically ill at times, but as a concept? he's not that scared of it. it's more the sensations and associations that make it scary or uncomfortable, rather than the idea. but gods, mind magic makes him so paranoid. it's a downright phobia.

[ps: i absolutely don't mind that ur response was incoherent, i speak fluent sleepy ramblings and am just glad that u thought it was neat :)]

THIS TOOK SO LONG FOR ME TO ANSWER BUT . YEA YES YES. SEE YOU GET IT !!!!! thank you fuck yes. this is so good i love ur thoughts so much. mind magic is fucking terrifying, i agree whole fuckin heartedly. legend would be so so fuckin scared of that. dark magic is uncomfortable and shit but its not that spooky. mind magic is. WACK. so wack. and he has experience with it in form of the army thing and i just. poor fuckin guy KJFDGJHFDG he must be so tired.

im so giddy abt this i know next to nothing abt how magic in loz would or does work and just make things up as i go and hope it sounds good or is possible in any capacity and im just. staring at this ask and the ones before it. so glad u agree n get what i mean JKFGFD legend loves his magic items and he deserves it. object magic his beloved <3

[corvidshipping]

okay. i’ve been thinking about this a lot and i think that i should share this with you all

i don’t talk about this frequently for a lot of reasons, but i have an undiagno.sed disso.ciative disorder that i suspect to be O.SDD. i’m sure that’s been guessed at from the things in my DNI, but i never really outright said it. partially because i didn’t feel like it mattered; that’s not what the point of this blog is, and i don’t want to be defined by my trauma. i just want to run a self ship blog and enjoy myself. i also worry, a little bit, that talking about this will lead to me simply becoming peoples’ “s.ys.tem mutual” instead of just being the person i’ve always been. i’m not a novelty, i’m not a rare item to add to a collection, i’m not someone others can point to and say “i can speak on this topic because my mutual experiences it”. that’s happened to me before, and i don’t want that to happen again. additionally, there are a lot of misunderstandings of what D.ID and OS.DD are- there’s the well known “evil al.ter” trope of course, but there’s a lot of other damaging misinformation that has harmed me as well, and i felt safer simply being covert.

the reason i bring it up at all is because i’ve been going through a lot recently. if you’re not aware, diss.ociative disorders like DI.D and OSD.D stem from extreme trauma at a young age, prior to the development of a sense of identity, that the mind cannot handle, and so the developing identity “splits” into another or several dissociated identities, in order to cope with it. this becomes sort of the only coping mechanism ones brain may have as one may not learn other coping mechanisms + as harmful as splits can be they are also extremely effective, and so when other traumas occur, even when they aren’t as severe as the continued trauma which triggered the development of the disorder, ones identity may split further in order to cope with the perceived danger. each identity exists for a reason in that way. when the person with this disorder enters a period of stress that their brain isn’t sure it can deal with, they dissociate into a separate identity in order to cope with and manage the stressor. and, like i said, i’m going through a lot. i may have recovered a fragment of a memory of an abuse that triggered a split, which i repressed through parts (also known as alters- i habitually call them parts and i will not stop, though i don’t apply that term to others with the disorder without asking), which is causing me a lot of stress right now. additionally my life is going through a lot of changes; without going into detail, there’s significant stress regarding a relationship i’ve had for the majority of my life, and there was recently difficulty within my family whom i live with, which, though it seems like it’s passed mostly, i’m still understandably tense over and due to past familial trauma i am afraid of a relapse.

i’ve been in a good place lately. i’ve been coping well and while not integrated, we’ve gained a lot of harmony and lost a lot of amnesic barriers. i’ve dissociated less. but because of the stress i’m going through, that might change a little bit. my behavior may have already changed although i doubt that since these disorders are very typically covert rather than overt, but my behavior may change further. i’ve been co-con a lot lately. i guess my point here is that the way i act might be different for a while. not in a scary way, just that i might be quieter, or less responsive, or write differently. im also very likely to start forgetting things a lot; i might forget to respond to asks, i might forget things people have already told me and ask for the same information again. it’s not anyone’s fault, and im not mad at anyone, nor am i not listening. im just simply trying to get through stuff. i’ll be okay. all i ask is that you please don’t treat me differently because of this. just continue to treat me the same as you have in the past.

[b0ttl3d-up-st4rs]

Well I'm gonna do what I do best and self reflect to an insane amount. This is probably gonna be a long post so buckle up.

To be honest my behavior for nearly the past year now is concerning to say the least. There's this little voice in my head that just desperately wants to get more and more hurt, more and more traumatized. Why is that? At first glance the negative approach could be to say its some sort of masochistic behavior and any negative repercussions as a result of this behavior is deserved, but I don't really think thats the case.

Self sabotage is a characteristic that can be exhibited in many mentally ill people and I am no exception. I think this behavior, of seeking to be hurt by grown men on the internet is partially self sabotage.

And I remember when I first started this shit show, I just wanted attention. Sounds mean to say, but craving attention is something the human soul desperately wants. And I was starting to feel some sense of self beauty but I didn't feel as though anyone around me was appreciating it so I tried to get attention from grown men because being showered in compliments and attention felt so good when my whole life I've never gotten any of that.

I think there's more too it, though. Looking back my whole life it's almost as if I've wanted to get hurt. In books I liked to sit around with the pain the characters felt. And its almost like I wanted to get traumatized. I've heard that people with trauma that they don't acknowledge is trauma or think its bad enough to be traumatizing seek put worse forms of trauma, in order to feel that pain is valid. And I think that's part of my issue too.

I do have unaddressed and repressed childhood trauma. I was given unrestricted internet at a young age and was exposed to the horrors of the internet. Nothing like straight up porn, but a lot of suggestive content. And in general being exposed to that caused me a lot of catholic guilt as I was raised catholic. I remember feeling like knowing these things were my fault. Many days I felt so guilty that I would pray to god to let me not wake up in the morning.

As a child I also questioned my religion a lot, which i think was traumatic in itself. Religion is a big thing. And as a kid I had a big issue knowing reality from fiction. Heck I still do. I remember as a kid my friend telling me that we were all demigods and one day we were going to run away to camp half blood. That the percy jackson books were real. It sounds stupid now, but I processed that as real and it was so stressful for me.

And I remember being 12 coming out as trans and as a part of the lgbtq community to my parents. They didnt react well. They said I was confused. My mom said I was both too young and too old to know. I fought a lot with my mom. And in general have a lot of unhappy memories from then. I was outed multiple times in my life.

My relationship with my parents still isnt good. My mom has a tendency to be toxic. I hate that I have to stay in the closet around my family its so painful. Like a month ago I mentioned the lgbtq community for the first time in years, asking my mom her opinions on it and if it changed since 2017, and it turned into her yelling at me and making herself a victim. It really hurt. I forgot how much it hurt.

I don't really have much of a relationship with my dad. We barely talk. Hes very emotionally distant. When I'm at my dad's house I sort of fend for myself. Its the exact opposite at my moms house. She's overbearing and never leaves you alone. It's like going between to extremes.

And honestly I can't wait to move out. My mom and I have arguments a lot. But hey at least I have some relationship with her, I don't really have a relationship with my dad.

I remember one time this year, I was during the end of a school semester. I needed to catch up on work because after talking to my abuser for like 5 months and then unlocking him I was left in shambles and fell into a really bad depression to where my motivation for school just disapeared. Im still dealing with that tbh. Anyways I had to go to a online meeting to choose my classes and I didn't get to choose the classes I thought I would be able to, and that made me really upset. But after the meeting I had to go to do am act of kindness (I chose picking up litter at a graveyard cause i like graveyards) for my school project but I was still distraught. If I was given some time to myself I probably wouldve been able to go without issue, but my mom wanted to go immediately. We argued. And when I got there I refused to leave the car because I felt so much like shit. We argued more. It was the worst argument I ever had. She even swore at me. Which she's never done before. And she ended up playing victim again. She does that a lot I guess. And doesn't really listen to my feelings. Whenever I try to communicate about my feelings with her it turns into an argument and she makes it about herself. So yeah our relationship isn't the greatest. And I think having mommy and daddy issues is a trauma in itself. Ppl deserve to have happy healthy supportive families.

Oh right and another trauma I completely forgot (funny how that happens) is when I was 14 and admitted to a mental hospital because I tried to off myself. It was so surreal and they forced me to learn how to make eye contact with people cause apparently thats "how they know im doing ok". Which is kinda fucked considering the fact I recently realized I might be autistic. And eye contact is literally so painful for me. It especially was back then. Anyways the place itself wasnt too bad but the feeling of being trapped overall sucks and being disconnected from the rest of the world isnt fun either. Also I dissociate all the time but I especially dissociated hard thru the whole experience. And sort of made myself into the perfect patient, repeating all their bs and literally lying to myself to convince myself that I was ok so they would let me go. So that was kind of weird.

Anyways I know I have it better than others. And honestly sometimes it's hard to tell what exactly was traumatic in my childhood. I probably forgot and repressed other parts of it too and am forgetting things. But needless to say these unaddressed traumas didn't help my mental state. And i do think that's a big part of the voice in my head begging me to just get hurt more.

Overall my mental state is fucked, It's been really hard for me not to be taken advantage of by another internet pedo. Heck the only reason that isn't happening rn is because no ones dmed me yet. Also I unblocked my old abuser and we are talking again now so thats fun. It definitely doesnt help the cognitive dissonance in my brain of him being actually a nice and supportive dude. I think thats also a part of me wanting to get more traumatized. Since my abuser is a nice person that should counteract all the fucked up sexual things he said to me in the past right? I mean others have it worse, had worse abusers that were actively cruel. That's part of the bitch in my subconscious brain talking. It sucks tbh.

Anyways yeah I probably need therapy but I don't feel comfortable talking about this to my current counselor and honestly its really hard to say out loud. I can talk forever about it by writing it down but the moment I speak words from my dumbass mouth I break down in tears and can't do it. Plus idk, I'm scared if I say anything she'll have to tell my parents and that my phone might be taken away or I'll have less privacy and for a closeted queer where my only current life line is the internet and my online friends: that is a terrifying idea. Idk. I'm fucked basically.

[ohkimani]

| current |

working out ways to write this  hasn’t been the easiest thing. it’s not a huge deal so i have no idea why it has been so difficult but maybe that’s why i have put it off so many times. 

it’s hard to believe i have been in LA for 5 months already, time couldn't be more aggressive than she’s been. especially considering my apparent inability to grasp it nor use it wisely.

on oct. 31 i tried to kill myself.

on nov. 1, i bought a dress and ice cream. 

i thought longer about a color/size/fit and flavor than taking my last breath. 

communication hasn't been much of a strength to me lately. i can hardly speak or listen really and writing has also fallen victim to what ever is going on with me as well. while typing this sentence, i will be going on 54 minutes it’s taken me to type what you’ve read so far.

to be completely honest, i dont necessarily have any life updates. i wake up, i work, i come home, i sleep, i do it all over again.

been losing friends, there’s no doubt about that. they have no reason to be friends with me anymore. 

being around people frightens the hell out of me. it terrifies me to the point of feeling like I'm standing on the edge of a windy cliff when im put in the position to speak to someone. im afraid of everyone. even friends i thought i could never be afraid of. maybe it’s my paranoia but i could never fathom someone being my friend on purpose. everyone has a reason for everything and i feel like people became my friend when they felt i could benefit them. or the opposite, they felt sorry for me. but now, i have nothing for them and there is nothing of me anymore.

work is alright. i like what i do, the daily tasks, feeling essential and trusted. feeling as if someone believes i can be more than what my brain is telling me i am. but i dont like feeling as if i need to befriend every human being i work with in order to truly feel a part of the team. sam said to me the other night “i wish you would show your personality more at work”. what is my personality? who are these people to deserve my openness and genuine joy? who is she to want me to force my own comfort around people who have already exhibited their own mild discomfort around me? 

sadness has eaten away at who i am and who i was. confidence is a myth of a want that i used to tell myself i had when i walked out of my door everyday. that along with poise, beauty, intelligence, and all the other adjectives they throw into a tampon commercial. anxiety has my heart for breakfast. she tears at every part of me to the point where i sat in my car today and almost felt myself come to tears when i heard a car honk at someone else down the road. 

if there's ever a day i blink my eyes open and genuinely find myself excited for my existence that day, i would beg for time to stop on his heels and let me, just once, remember the feeling. delve in it like a pool of bliss. cross my fingers it rings any bells of what being a being is worth and maybe, without any hesitation, i would stay here. my mind dissociates at her own will, maybe to get a taste of leaving, maybe to stop from feeling what has already taken me down such a winding road. 

here and there i’ll get the urge to be creative. i’ll write or draw or do some sort of decor in my room. then i’ll sit with the aftermath of this outburst and wonder if one is just supposed to be satisfied with knowing youre stuck with yourself no matter how much you hate it. every time i feel like I've climbed out of the hole   -- or at least almost out of it -- it’s as if the dirt turns back to mud and im back at the bottom of the pit. flashes of light sometimes blurring my vision, creating images in my head of things that never happened, hearing things wrong, desperate to know what the people im holding onto by the last of my thinnest thread are saying about me when ive slowly started to lose my stability. 

truthfully, i have fully accepted not belonging anywhere except with my bf. the night i attempted, i realized no one would know a thing. no one would actually care. would anyone actually be surprised? the only person who would truly hurt is him, and we only have each other. 

my soul would be long gone and i would keep being DMed the same memes 17 other people in your recents list get. i would still be tagged in posts. i would still get texts asking me for this and that, random long texts venting about a life that seems like a fantasy....but i would be long gone. 

i know now that i am not allowed to leave and i beg you dearly not to send me messages demanding i get help. 

this turned out to be less of an update and more of another one of my bursts of emotional nakedness that no one asked for and surely does not match with the pretty pink shit i usually reblog or post lol sorry about that. truly nothing in my life has changed. it never will. so...here i am.

[ais-n]

2| and where is the trauma? both hsin and boyd were severely sexually abused. and emilio's illness is always treated as a joke. look Ais, your series has done me so much good between the bad it did. i found i'm gay lmao and i'm grateful for that. i'm grateful that you wrote this ok. but there are things that were offensive, and maybe it was unconscious, since i doubt you wanted to be racist or write a mlm relationship but more like hetero. i wish i could just enjoy the books but my heart breaks

3| idk what the one who questioned that could possibly mean between all the things but thats what i mean. i appreciate you a lot. i hope this didn’t make you feel worse or whatever. but some people really did end up hurt badly after reading icos and im one of them. with all respect, and hope that i didnt disturb you much, farewell.

++++++++++++

Aha I just realized I can put both 2nd and 3rd asks in one! Which is good because, again, the gay comment makes me laugh out loud XD As I said in the other post, thank you again for reaching out, for explaining your concerns, and for the courage you no doubt had to bring forth in order to do so.

I’m getting right into the answers in this one although I will probably ask more questions for clarification on some of the points, as I did on the first one, to make sure I’m not misunderstanding or misinterpreting anything.

More below the cut! :)

EMILIO’S ILLNESS

I’m really sorry but I wasn’t sure what you meant by that. Which illness? How is it treated as a joke? Could you clarify? 

TRAUMA

So this I thought was super interesting that you felt there was no representation of trauma in ICoS, or I assume you also mean its aftereffects. That’s actually one of the few points I feel pretty confident saying the series does portray a lot of, both in some cases the experience of it and in other cases the repercussions. 

One of the reasons both of them are so severely dysfunctional individually and together is because of trauma.

I don’t want to muddy up this post with a huge tangent but someone had asked a few years ago about the result of the Aleixo mission on Boyd, if he was diagnosed with anything, and so on. If you’re interested, I wrote a long ass reply about the psychological effect of sex trafficking on survivors/victims and talked about some of the things you see Boyd do that are a bit reflective of that. More info at https://aisness.wordpress.com/2015/01/28/boyd-aleixo-psychology/

I think there probably would be more information on all this by now, or at least I certainly hope there would be, but at the time of writing Fade that was the sort of research that was available. 

Although, full disclosure, I don’t tend to write characters looking up the DSM symptoms for this or that; I write what feels right for them psychologically, mentally, emotionally, and oftentimes later look it up and realize they would have likely been diagnosed with this or that thing or they could be displaying traits of this or that.

At any rate, with Boyd, his trauma started early on, and pretty much everything about him is a reflection of that in some form. I don’t see trauma as specific to sexual assault; it’s most certainly a result of that but also of many other things. Boyd dealt with a lot of neglect and/or emotional abuse as a child, he was bullied by his peers, and generally speaking it was difficult for him to feel like he belonged anywhere. He was very often judged by others, often negatively, for things completely outside of his control, like his parents, their jobs, his home, the amount of money his family had, his looks, etc. 

If you look at the Mayo Clinic’s list of child abuse, Boyd falls pretty well under emotional abuse and a bit under neglect, and you can especially see the toll that had on his personality by reading the signs and symptoms of emotional abuse in particular:

Loss of self-confidence or self-esteem

Social withdrawal or a loss of interest or enthusiasm

Depression

Avoidance of certain situations, such as refusing to go to school or ride the bus

Desperately seeks affection

And general symptoms:

Withdrawal from friends or usual activities

Depression, anxiety or unusual fears, or a sudden loss of self-confidence

An apparent lack of supervision

Self-harm or attempts at suicide 

If you look at Complex PTSD, and in particular Developmental Trauma Disorder (DTD) you can see a lot of Hsin:

Attachment – “problems with relationship boundaries, lack of trust, social isolation, difficulty perceiving and responding to others’ emotional states”

Behavioural control – “problems with impulse control, aggression, pathological self-soothing, and sleep problems”

Dissociation – “amnesia, depersonalization, discrete states of consciousness with discrete memories, affect, and functioning, and impaired memory for state-based events”

I wouldn’t say Hsin dissociates quite that extensively but I feel like he does display some dissociative tendencies at times.

Boyd has some too, like

Self-concept – “fragmented and disconnected autobiographical narrative, disturbed body image, low self-esteem, excessive shame, and negative internal working models of self”.

I think in some ways you could argue they both display aspects of:

Affect or emotional regulation – “poor affect regulation, difficulty identifying and expressing emotions and internal states, and difficulties communicating needs, wants, and wishes”

When Boyd was little, he often wondered why other people were treated better than him - why, when he was getting perfect grades, he was going above and beyond whenever possible, when he was trying to be “a good boy” all the time, when he went out of his way to stay quiet and not bother anyone – why, despite all his attempts, other people were celebrate yet he was reviled, even if the people being celebrated were awful people doing awful things. He used to study other people relentlessly, trying to understand what it was about them that made them acceptable and what it was about him that made him not.

That’s why, despite being such an introvert, he’s good at blending in and going undercover; it’s why he can adjust to new situations and, in a way, act - because he always had to monitor and adjust himself his whole life just to feel seen and loved. His dad loved him on his own so it wasn’t as bad as it could have been, but with the trauma that came from the loss of his dad, and what happened with Lou, plus everything afterward, it really messed everything up.

Boyd was not a victim of childhood sexual abuse, but more of emotional abuse. Well, I guess, I should say for the most part he wasn’t.

Hsin was definitely a victim of childhood sexual abuse and probably physical abuse (that bit I can’t recall for sure). He was raped even as a small child, and that led into different aspects of his life. One reason, for example, he would go berserk and was seen by the Agency as unreliable in cases of him seeing sexual assault was because he saw, in some way, himself in those victims. It was probably his way of protecting people when he hadn’t been protected, himself. 

I can’t speak too much on Hsin’s specific mental health status or repercussions because I didn’t write him so I’m not fully in his mind, but I do know that sort of berserker aspect is part of what came from his sexual abuse and physical abuse and just generally how he grew up. If I recall correctly, a lot of that led into why he was so unstable and dangerous when Emilio first found him; why it took so long to get Hsin to find a way to deal with the violence and aggression and anger in him, in addition to everything else that would have happened regardless of that childhood trauma. Why, too, it was such a huge deal when Boyd was able to earn Hsin’s trust, because he had learned in his life to trust almost no one.

You can see some of the way they both display aspects of C-PTSD as adults as well in the list at https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Complex_post-traumatic_stress_disorder#Adults

I should be clear: I am NOT a psychiatrist or psychologist so I’m not suggesting that they would be specifically diagnosed with any of these disorders were they to get official diagnoses. However, the reason I bring it up is to show that a lot of the series reflects the way their coping mechanisms lead them to interact within themselves and with the outside world, all of which is often directly or indirectly tied to trauma.

Why is Boyd so terrified of anyone seeing him without his shirt in the beginning? Trauma. Why is he depressed? Trauma. Why is he suicidal? Trauma. Why does he go out of his way to avoid a certain block? Trauma. I would have to look at specific symptoms of different things but I would guess that you could also tie back some of his instability and his sometimes inconsistent reactions to trauma as well. Sometimes he does things or says things that may seem a bit reckless, or cold, or some other unexpected thing at that time - and a lot of times it’s probably in part related to how he learned to cope with things and what his levels of defensiveness are or his fears are at that moment. But he also has a complete inability to see the good in himself for a long time which also ties back, I would think, to some of the things he experienced growing up/previously.

Boyd is an incredibly unreliable narrator. He spends most of his narration thinking about how awful he is, how he should just die, how he isn’t doing a good enough job, and so forth. Yet, that fails to show the impact of some of his choices and decisions. Boyd was pretty much the first person to treat Hsin like a normal human being, to not see him as a surrogate of anything or anyone, to not have any ulterior motives or expectations of him (no matter how well-intentioned), and to truly gain his trust as a result. Yet, Boyd didn’t really see it that way. He didn’t see how important it was for Hsin that he ended up in his life; he didn’t get why Hsin was exasperated the times Boyd said he (Boyd) should just die, that there was no value to his life. He didn’t believe he could be loved so he couldn’t see it was even a possibility at first. Therefore, he spends a lot of his narration over the series belittling himself and downplaying any of his own achievements while simultaneously rewarding or acknowledging what others around him are doing. Not every moment of his narration, of course, but his default state of self is to think he sucks and others are probably better.

Conversely, Hsin is a confident narrator. He often doesn’t doubt himself, doesn’t care what other people think, and is very sure of himself in a lot of aspects like his physical prowess which, itself, is already above and beyond nearly everyone else. Yet he also learned not to trust or rely on anyone else in his life, so he’s incredibly suspicious of others because that’s how he had to learn to be. So, especially in the beginning of the series, in his narration he tends to be very factual about his own achievements and not shy away from acknowledging the things that are powerful about him (even if he doesn’t always see it as anything that special), while simultaneously seeking out anything untrustworthy, unreliable, incompetent, or unworthy about those around him. His narration tends to point out the flaws of those around him because he learned that if he doesn’t protect himself, he’s vulnerable, and when he’s vulnerable he gets hurt.

The result of that is, if you read their narrations straight as if it’s all perfectly reliable, Boyd seems even more unreliable and Hsin seems even more perfect than they actually are, because their default states of being overlap in a manner which magnifies the flaws in Boyd and the merits in Hsin. 

Both of them learned to be how they were because of how they were raised, what they went through, and more. Same as how they react to various things throughout the series.

I can’t more specifically comment on anything without knowing what in particular you were thinking of when commenting in the ask about trauma and sexual abuse. But I think generally speaking, they already start the series having learned coping mechanisms that work for them based on trauma they already individually experienced. Those coping mechanisms end up oftentimes being challenged and at times destroyed or reworked throughout the course of the series. That is what leads to a lot of their ups and downs as individuals and as a couple; why their story isn’t a straight arc going up but instead derails a lot. And why they both spend the entirety of the series coming to terms with who they are both internally and externally, and what that means for their relationship, and how they can find a way to grow as a person and a significant other. They both ultimately have to work on trust; Boyd has to learn to trust himself, Hsin has to learn to trust others, and they have to learn to trust each other.

The way people deal with trauma is not the same for everyone. Sexual abuse doesn’t result in the same reaction for all people. I’m not sure if maybe one of the things you were thinking is maybe about sexual abuse during the series itself? I already linked something that goes more in depth on Fade so I won’t touch on that book, and I really can’t speak for Hsin because he isn’t my character so I don’t want to misrepresent his thought process as hidden behind narration or actions at different points.

The only other thing I can think of that maybe you’re thinking about is Boyd’s valentine status, and how he doesn’t seem to have overtly strong reactions to anything until Fade. If that’s one aspect of what you were thinking about, part of that is just how Boyd deals with things. He tends to avoid things that are difficult for him or he has difficulty focusing on, and oftentimes shuts down emotionally. 

I think honestly he probably dissociated to some extent during a lot of things; kind of separated his body from his mind and felt like whatever happened, happened. For a lot of the time that he was a valentine early on, he had such little love for himself that regardless of how upsetting anything was, how little he wanted to do certain things, he felt on some level like he deserved it. Some things were probably a subconscious form of self-punishment for being born, for being who he is, for surviving when Lou didn’t, for surviving when his dad didn’t, for never being enough for his mother, for just plain existing. Then as time went on he grew to rely on Hsin and find strength in him. It’s also not like every mission he had was a valentine one, or even that every valentine has to end in anything physical. 

That’s why he was able to find ways of dealing with things in some form, even if he didn’t like it or was uncomfortable at times, until the Aleixo mission. He thought he knew how to handle things; he thought he had found apt coping mechanisms. But that mission tore that all apart and nearly destroyed him. His coping mechanisms didn’t work the way they had and now he had to find a new way to survive, and from there came a lot of his instability and more that you see in Fade and as I mention in that blog post.

But in short, I feel like the majority of the series ends up touching, indirectly or directly, on some form of trauma as experienced currently or in the past by one or more of the main characters, and their resulting actions then drive the plot. That is one thing we were very specific about doing: having the plot adjust to the characters rather than force the characters to adjust to the plot. That’s why Afterimage exists, actually; the original plan was sort of like 3/4 of Evenfall and then kind of jumping into aspects of Fade. But we realized at the end of Evenfall that certain things would occur which would then lead to Afterimage and Afterimage then led into aspects of Interludes, which then led into aspects of right before Fade, which then affected a huge part of Fade itself, which then informed 1/27. We didn’t set out to write a series specifically about trauma, it’s just sort of one of those things that happens if you take two characters who have been treated so cruelly or poorly for so much of their lives, and put them together as any sort of team - but especially a team that becomes a couple, and a couple that becomes all but married.

+ +

Regarding the other stuff, I haven’t had a chance yet to check if you answered my question about the hetero relationship comment, so I can’t comment on that until I know more of what you mean. But I would say that generally speaking, I don’t know that I believe it’s necessarily fair to label anything as strictly “hetero” vs “m/m” vs anything else for a relationship. That brings with it a lot of assumptions of what it means to be not only gay or LGBTQIA+, but also straight. It seems to suggest there is only a single way or a very strict set of ways for a cis male and a cis female to be together both in a relationship and to have sex, and I guess I don’t feel like that’s necessarily reflective of reality. People are very complex and so are their relationships, as well as their sex lives.

I’m not sure how specifically the series ended up hurting you but I’m very sorry you felt hurt by anything. That’s a terrible feeling to have to experience. I hope that in whatever way, however it may work best for you, you have the time and space to reflect and recover and rejuvenate. You, like everyone, deserve it.

And honestly, if that means you have to leave the series completely in your past, never to think about it again, if that’s what’s healthiest for you, I truly wish you are able to do so. Stories are there to connect with other people, to share our thoughts and sometimes help us work our way through our own while reading. No story is worth your mental health being put in question. If it is truly upsetting to you to think about the series, it is absolutely not worth your energy. You are more important than a story will ever be. Everyone is. And I say that despite how much I love and rely on stories to get me through life.

If part of your duress is you like aspects of the writing style but the series itself and its contents upset you, you could try reading some other stuff. I have some things I wrote solo that you can find on my AO3 if you want. But also you can find other writers entirely. Depending on what you’re looking for in a story, and the sort of topics you’ve learned work well for you or don’t work well for you, you should be able to find a ton of great series out there and great authors out there who will leave you with the happier aspects of your reaction to ICoS without anything more detrimental like it sounds happened for you with ICoS.

Regardless, I truly wish you the very best. As I said in the other one, please stay healthy and safe! And, if you’re in a place to manage it, stay happy as well :)

Brightest of blessings to you and yours, my friend!

[the-next-miss-american-trash]

Junior year of highschool, i remember seeing the top 50 of our school be introduced during the graduation ceremony. I saw my friends go up there, and i was suddenly hit with the grievance that i should have been up there. I would have been up there. With my friends, feeling some sort of pride. But depression killed me academically. So much so that i cried, and my mom thought it was out of fear that i wouldn't graduate.

Come my graduation, and as I'm sitting through the ceremony, through pictures, i felt absolutely empty. There was nothing special about it. It wasn't a celebration of me completing school and starting a new chapter of my future. I was hollow and empty. And eventually i swiftly made up my credits in summer school and got the stupid dingy diploma.

But i was angry with the education system and i was angry at myself. Disappointed in myself. Sad for myself. I couldn't fathom a college education, if i was still in a depressive funk, and would/could fail myself immediately because of my bad habits i formed. I lied, said I'd have a gap year then go. Then two years. Then my older sister semi-convinced, mostly enforced i go and enlisted me- because I'm a person who won't do anything until forced to do it.

I tried for two weeks. It felt good at first, and then i missed my first assignment. And then, i missed a class. And then outside stuff made me break down, and i missed more classes and more assignments. When i finally got encouraged by my sister again to try, i returned to a class to find that i was cut from it. The teacher was brutal and she meant it. This killed me. Eventually, i dropped my drama class as well. And i completely avoided anything dealing with school.

Then the problem with jobs. I couldn't dream of a career that was actually sustainable. I couldn't see a future for so long, just things i wished for. I couldn't get into tv, i wasted 1k on a stupid entrance fee, only to find out we couldn't do the follow up stages that would have me travel even farther, as a fucking kid of course i was stupid. Theater was frowned upon by my parents, you know, the kind of frowned upon where they were like "we support you, but is that really going to make you money? We really want you to follow your dreams, but our circumstances are leading us to homelessness and-" yadda yadda that's another story, but it's what my mind got stuck with. And all this experience i got in high school from devoting my passion to the arts doesn't really qualify me for anything "normal". At least, i never felt qualified.

When i was 15 i did a summer job. Just one summer. I was mentally well at the time. I did janitorial service, and did okay. Hated waking up early. Terrified me when the woman in charge of me began sending me to do stuff on my own, trying to get me to build initiative. I managed decently well. Being the baby of the group of volunteers. Then the summer was over. I don't remember anything about financial handlings, or realize that i should have kept records of me actually working. So unfortunately, i can't actually use it as reference or proof that i have experience working.

But anyways, i remember hating waking up early so much, the anxiety that i felt every. single. morning. doing my runs. That it instilled a fear of working in me. A fear of responsibility. Then come a few summers later, i try the program again. They had an option to look for jobs in theaters, only to tell me they meant to get rid of that ages ago. So i said just put me in butt fucking whatever. I get an interview for some desk secretary call answering person job- i don't know what the fuck it was- but the moment i learned that i would have to answer phones calls, and that i lied about some skills i had that invariably led me to landing the job and scheduling the Monday i was supposed to come in, i freaked out. Panicked, i pulled the same trick as always and just ghosted. Never showed for the job. Avoided any calls. And said i was no longer interested in the program. My social anxiety was peak at this time.

AND THEN, sprinkled about through the years i volunteered as a cabin leader for science camp (i think a total of four times?), and my friend started working there. They mentioned i work there too, and the idea actually appealed to me. I legitimately saw myself working there, I'm playful with children, i love nature, I'd be working with my friend so i wouldn't be alone. Did the interview, went really well, sometime after they sent a confirmation email! They just needed me to confirm when I'd like to start.

And then all my insecurities came crashing down on me.

I remembered that the only reason I wanted to be cabin leader was to go back to science camp and experience that magical feeling i had as a child when i looked up into the stars, when we'd sit around a candle in the dark, when we danced and sang and the wonderful food and games. I wanted to be the child. I remember my first group of girls were great, but then i remembered the anxiety of not knowing where to go sometimes, or the time i couldn't get a group of collective kids to calm down and i felt anger and a loss of control instead of patience. I remembered, in my final time being there and being in charge of boys- thinking i could handle it- that on the first night i couldn't get them to sleep so i slumped at my bed and dissociated until a guy showed up and they were quiet in an instance. And then later on when i was getting fed up because they wouldn't line up to go out for breakfast, i realized my screaming at the boys made one of them cry, and that i was doing this all wrong. I quickly switched it up to a softer tone, a more cooperative one, and they calmed down.

I came to understand that while I'm a playful person, and an understanding one when it comes to kids, i am by no means able to take care of them. So what would happen if i let my anger and impatience get the better of me? I don't want to scare the kids, or give them a bad experience.

And i also came to understand that i can't say no. When my friend reassured me that'd it'd be okay to decline- this one night we hung out at another friend's house- but i should at least respond to them, because i had gotten several emails by then asking for confirmation. And as i stared at that laptop screen, overwhelmed with the desire to want to be better, to take on responsibility, but overpowered by the fear of it, of not being good enough, of saying no, i broke down in tears.

My friends had never seen me break down before, so i think they were justifiably worried and scared, because i couldn't speak, i couldn't move, couldn't type, couldn't stop crying. We just left afterwards i think. And i think sometime after, i just answered as generically as i could and declined.

And since then, I've become terrified of doing the same damn thing. Because while my mental health has improved slightly, I'm still no better. In fact, I'm even worse when it comes to that stuff. I'm terrified of starting commissions because I'm terrified of what i don't know how to do. I'm terrified of getting retail or food jobs because of social anxiety. Im terrified of jobs with less social contact because I'm scared of having to only rely on myself and not seeking out help. My self esteem for even applying is below 0. I've lost my ability to even be a reliable person, the one thing i had going for me that i didn't want to be. I don't want to get a job because I'm the only person available to actually babysit my nephews, but i don't even want to do it anymore! And if i don't, my parents will have to, taking them away from looking around for places to live because we might have to leave again for the 3rd time in a row in the past five years! Because both my sister and her husband work, so they need someone. and then because we can't afford rent, we can't afford a house, my dad lost his job, I'm not working, my mom can't work, my little sister works food,my brother needs stuff for highschool, I'm fucking losing my mind being dead weight!

And STILL. Despite ALLLLL this. Despite ALL the motivational talks, the teary eyed talks, the serious talks. Nothing. Motivates me to work. To do school. To do something. Well, maybe only one, and i ruined that chance. To go see my boyfriend. The one good thing to happen to me. That i want nothing more than to get better for. And here am I am, still not doing anything.

I gave up years ago. How am I supposed to take back my life now.

[mental-health-advice]

i have adult adhd, combined type, and i also think i have ocpd? my analyst(?) told me i had depersonalization problems and i suffered from confusion for a long time due to a low PH level. and ocpd just sort of shawn up at me recently. ive always been really strict with my personality behavior and thoughts and way of thinking and moods/modes. i had adhd so i had all the usual contorl problems and was always the person at the bottom of the chain growing up. ive recently had issues in a new home 1!

and it seemed like it the biggest discomfort for me. especially when my lack of functionality sprouted outroar. i was ripped out my home quite suddenly, surrounding a lot of stress. and i think it did me damage because my adhd bothers me so much. it presents me differently than what i am. what i do and say seems different to people. i dont feel well expressed or understood so it can zone me out. itshard. how does this sound to you? im wondering whether to contact my analyst/gp?

Hi darling,

Thank you for writing in to us! Before I start, I just want to clarify that we’re in no way professionals, so we can’t really say much about what certain issues could be- that really is a professional’s job. We also discourage self-diagnosis for the reasons listed here. Therefore I think it would indeed be a good idea to contact your analyst and/or GP! You can talk through with them exactly what you told us and they can look with you at that possibility, listen to why you think you might be dealing with OCPD (Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder), and reflect on that. They can do an assessment with a possible diagnosis as outcome. I think the most important part of this all is that you talk through your struggles with them. Even if no diagnosis comes out of it, it’s still good that they’re aware of your struggles so that they can help you to their best ability! If they don’t know everything that you’re struggling with, they’ll be less able to help you.

There are a few things that are important to keep in mind. When you look at the symptoms for a certain disorder, you will check with yourself whether you might experience those symptoms. So you are actively looking for situations in which those symptoms occurred. One very important criteria for any mental illness though is that it needs to affect your ability to function in at least one area. Usually if a symptom is preventing you from functioning, you notice this symptom, which is different from seeing a symptom written down and then realising you sometimes experience it. Does that make sense? There will definitely be exceptions to this though, so I’m definitely not saying that a symptom can’t be affecting you badly or valid if you only noticed it after seeing it written on a list. It often occurs that someone’s been dealing with something for so long that it becomes normal, or something else is affecting them even more so it kind of overshadows it all.

Something else that’s important to keep in mind is that there might be overlap in the symptoms between ADHD and OCPD. I haven’t looked into it, because I think that it would be best either way for you to speak to your analyst or GP, but overlap of symptoms between mental illnesses is one of the many reasons why the diagnostic process is so complicated (and why we so highly recommend you to speak to a professional about it).

Having said all of that, I can imagine that moving to a new home has been really difficult for you! There are so many things that you need to get used to when you’re in a new place, and you can’t fall back on your old routines anymore because they all need to be slightly adjusted. I moved this year as well and in the beginning I struggled quite a bit with not being able to fall back on my routines anymore. Luckily with time I was able to start my new routines in my new place and that has helped a lot to feel more at peace here. I don’t know if by now you feel more at home and less stressed out in your new house (I definitely hope you do!), but if you don’t yet then maybe developing new routines is something you can look into? It doesn’t have to be big things! In my old house I shared the kitchen with two housemates, so we had certain rules about who cleaned what and which shelves on the fridge were whose etc. I moved to a place of my own, so I now have my own kitchen that I need to keep clean myself. I’m not home a lot, so in the beginning I didn’t feel like I had to clean it as often because I only cooked once a week, maybe sometimes twice? But because there was no schedule and it wasn’t a regular thing, there came a point where I realised it had been too long since I’d done it. So what helped for me was to write down how often I wanted to clean certain parts of my new place and then schedule this in my week. Sometimes it was more vague, like over the weekend I want to clean my bathroom. Other times it was more specific like, Monday when I get home from work I’m gonna hoover. Writing down how often I want to clean everything doesn’t seem like a big thing, but it helped me a lot! Not only with actually keeping things clean, but more importantly with getting that off my shoulders, having some kind of schedule to fall back on. So maybe things like this, little schedules to fall back on, can be of help for you too? It might at least be worth a try, and then if it doesn’t work you can always try something else.

Zoning out can be a part of dissociation and since you also mention depersonalisation, I’m going to give some tips on how you can deal with dissociation. Grounding techniques can be immensely helpful. Whenever you feel like you’re about to dissociate, they can help you to stay in reality. Or when you’ve already dissociated, they can help bring you back to reality. We have a page listing many grounding techniques here. Everyone is unique so while one technique might help me a lot, it might not help you. Sometimes it also depends on what situation you’re in, or what triggered you to dissociate (if there was a trigger). Finding out which techniques help you when is a process of trial and error, but I do really hope you find some that work for you. I hope this helped at least a little!

Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard.

Keep fighting beautiful Love Pauline

[trippz2ill2ace8itout]

🔥🥀🥀🌙🌙🌙Stay Strong🌙🌙🌙🥀🥀🔥

❤️💙💜🖤🥀🔥🌙💚💛🦋🧡💕⭐️🌈🍏🙏❣️💔🏳️‍🌈🌎🌹🌷😔🌍🌟🎶💥🥩😁I SENT THIS TO A COUPLE PEOOLE IM GONNA COPY AND PASTE IT HERE , NO PITY SYMPATHY OR ATTENTION! TRIGGER WARNING! “We got this , u got it more than me , but everyday it’s the same breakdowns, you know I’ve had trauma occurring 24/7 from 2001-2018, over 10+ mental illnesses, 22+ mental breakdowns a day every day, u read my story and it’s coming back to me vividly, I have flashbacks every day , there’s always something wrong, and I can’t seem to explain it, IM SO FUCKING TIRED , I’m negative and people leave I miss my unbiological son Anthony , my mom is sick , no home from 2011-2018, homeless 13 times , 215 mental hospitals, all 10 of my senses are making everything intensified, I dissociate all day , no one can handle me , over 1 year sober, I’ve been tortured abused raped most of my life, I can’t hold down a job , Idk what’s going on or where I am most of the time,I have body twitches , suicidal and self harm thoughts , being inscure about everything, having autism , being a fuck up , my mom is sick , over 55+ alters/demons , avoiding feeling my feelings, can’t go to anymore placements cus I’ve been to all of them several times, getting sent to a state institution the next time I get admitted , been thru all sorts of treatment , feeling weak and getting possessed all the time , losing my mind and sanity more everyday, yes I believe In God , but I’ve held on for to long , not feeling like myself, feeling like a waste a worthless person, I can’t get help cuz everyone gave up on me , only thing that keeps me sane is helping everyone and everything obsessively, acting like I’m ok, but I can’t explain what’s wrong or going on , so I don’t know man , FUXK IM DONE” _____________ Got it , you wanna kill me Do it, you ain’t gonna set me free I’m losing levels of sanity I’m losing my mind more as we speak There always after me Everyday it gets worse and worse Fuck You bro just kill me You ain’t doing me no harm I’m getting taken over I’m getting possessed Alvaro has the key Trigger me trigger me Lying here on the floor Body twitching cold shoulders Drip drop the demons don’t stop Leave me alone leave me alone’ Fuck u and ur sanity I don’t know where I am Who I am, I’m losing contact Can’t process reality 22+ mental breakdowns a day every day They say it’s gonna be ok I fake a smile and help obsessively FUCK ALL OF U IM TIRED OF BEING USED. TRAPPED IN MY MIND X DARKNESS IS MY NEW ROYALTY ITS TAKING OVER ME FUCKKKKKKKK I’m a dysfunctional animal Release me. Take over me Unfriend me , who am I I’m not the same girl no more -Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez 🖤💜💙❤️💚💛🔥🌙🥀🌈⭐️💕🧡🦋🏳️‍🌈💔❣️🙏 🥀🖤TRIGGER WARNING!It's hard to explain what's wrong or going on. I don't wanna always be negative cuz tbh everyday is a struggle. I don't wanna burden or put my problems on anyone. I have over 10+ mental illnesses,, I'm having a full blown breakdown. All the flashbacks are turning into a vivid movie. I deal with 22+ mental breakdowns a day. Idk where or who I am. I'm losing it. And I know people get tired of it. I can't go back to any mental hospital (cuz I've been in 215 of them) and tHe next time I go I'm getting sent to a state institution. Trauma 24/7 from 2001-2018, yes I have suicidal ideation bUR I don't have a plan. I feel like I'm in a movie or a video game. No placements will take me cuz I've been to all of them countless times, I believe in God. I feel alone. I don't want to deal with this everyday. I have over 55+ alters/demons. I can't do anything right. I don't need pity sympathy or attention. I'm losing my mind. All my past is coming back to me vividly everyday. Physically I'm weak I have body twitches. I have demons in me. I've been on every mental health medication. I'm either manic physcotic depressed dangerous. Tbh I havent felt happy in years. I don't know where to turn. Whenever I try to talk about it I can't explain it. I'm sorry for being a fuck up. I'm just tired. I'm sorry for being a burden. For being negative. For being me. Plz just let the darkness take Me. My blood is all over I left the party sober Let me be at peace I'm begging on my knees Izzy can't do this nomo Idk man This body is not mine I just want to be alright I feel so alone Used to being away from home I'm using my coping skills They leave me with the will This darkness is controlling me When someone says u can talk to me I don't know how to explain it I'm wasting our time I feel stuck in my mind They say u can always talk to me How do I explain what's going on with me I can't breathe I'm on the floor screaming. Help me. 🌙🔥