#im capable of writing well but only when i actually put in the effort which i never do anymore :/

[br1ghtestlight]

people irl keep saying im a really talented writer but i remain unconvinced of this

[my-castles-crumbling]

hi, writing motivation anon! 🩵

i am talking about fanfic, yeah! i dont think all the self help books in the world would help me with original fiction lol its just really frustrating because if i dont force myself, at least a little bit, i will literally never write anything, even though i want to so, so badly. if i dont want to do something nothing in the world can get me to without like immediate and detrimental consequences if i dont do it, even when they're things i do actually want to do? i have so many plots just collecting dust and its killing me not being able to do anything with them, and the thought of giving them away gives me major ick, but i just cant bring myself to actually write a sentence of any of it anymore.

i used to do a lot of partner writing and it is fun but i get a little too distracted to be productive with it, not to mention my social circle is practically non existent at this point. ive done the work on forming good habits and bettering my environment and working on my mental state and while its definitely improved a lot of other parts of my life (which i am not complaining about even though i kind of want to just to do it - taking actual care of yourself, it actually works. who would have thought? crazy), it hasn't penetrated the motivation wall yet.

i think one of my main issues is the perfectionism. i think its mostly subconscious because i dont really realize what im doing until trying to write becomes too frustrating to keep trying. ive never been good at rough drafts and fine tuning and reworking, like if its not to subconscious perfect standards i cant move on until it is or i give up entirely. im not sure how to get over that. its like if its not done right the first try, i immediately feel like its a failure and a worthless endeavor that isn't worth the effort. i think a lot that has to do with other people's perception of my work as well, like its totally fine (not really) for me to have an unfinished doc sitting around that only i can see and wallow over, but if i power through, finish it, and post it than suddenly its out there for so many people to pick apart and see where i, and the fic, am lacking. its scary, i don't know how i used to put myself out there like that before.

sorry this got really long winded really quickly. i wish my yapping capabilities would extend to writing, but unfortunately its a talent only useful in terrorizing fellow humans with walls of words. absolutely tell me to fuck off if im babbling entirely too much for you lol

Hi!!

I completely understand the perfectionism thing. Have you tried writing microfics? Sometimes I find them easier, especially when I’m stuck, because they’re small and less to take on at once, you know?

Sending you all the good writing vibes!

[cupcraft]

heya cup!! i just want to hop on your post because ive actually been thinking about this kinda thing for a while now and i rly loved reading ur post bc i think you expressed everything in a really nice, respectful way!

personally, i am not at all a big crit enjoying person lol, bc of my demons (makes me v stressed for whatever reason lmao), so i tend to have discourse, crit tags blocked bc they kill my personal vibes etc. i will admit i've unfollowed people before for not tagging their crit lmao, but most of them time i will click through to see whats up, and i think most of the time, i do enjoy reading some crit, esp when its not like, my whole dash lmao, and esp when it comes from a place of love!! (hell im a cfiances main i think my entire mutuals circle only grudgingly accepted the csapnap book lore as canon like two months ago like i get cc's making Choices in regard to lore i do!)

crit is so so good and i love reading it from people who gen love the characters!! its always interesting to hear, and if im not in the mood, i can always block it lol. i love hearing people pick stories they love apart and analyze them, because i know they're doign it with great love in their heart. i remember after the ctubbo caimsey lore all my ctubbo mutuals got in a huddle and talked about why they did or didnt like the lore, and it was really fun to read!! it was so clear they really do love all the characters and enjoy cctubbo's content, even if they didnt like the choices made, and even if i personally enjoyed the lore (<- sick little ccabinetduo main) i really thought they made a lot of good points that i really enjoyed hearing!

but i think a lot of the time i can get really frustrated with "crit" is when its tinged with a weird sort of distaste for the cc's writing the characters, and perhaps in a bit of a unfair/petty way, i get really frustrated when i see people who often extremely, unfairly critical of people like quackity or karl, and their storytelling and ability to create character arcs. i feel like karl esp has gotten so much of this (which is personally so odd to me bc i feel like he's just a pretty likeable guy even if you're not into his content, but i digress sfdjkla 😭). so much "tales" crit is really irritating to me bc it feels really clearly like barely disguised dislike for cckarl seeping into a discussion of ckarl.

esp when i see people writing crit of a character that they do not main or usually talk about! there was a post a while back that was, like character crit of cq (apologies if this is too much of a vague to post lmao), and it really frustrated me, not just because i dont like it when people are mean to my little boy, but because it was clear that the author of the meta did not understand the lore they were talking about. they were completely misrepresenting a character morality and behavior in a way they absolutely would not be doing if they had watched the arc from cq's pov. and i know they're capable of writing well written, interesting, respectful meta and even crit bc they do it for characters they love. but when it comes to characters from cc's they personally dont like, the crit is. bad. its bad. like if you dont like their lore, dont watch it, dont post about it!! like curate your experience please!! but it feels like you dont enjoy any lore they could even do and you dont want to put in the effort to do so, so please do not engage with their lore!!!

tldr, well written crit w love for the characters always in mind always good!! (also the great majority tbh!!), crit for characters op hates the cc's who play them bad!! (a v small but really upsetting portion that has rlly turned me off the whole genre of post!)

hey soap thanks for your additions to this discussion :)! i really liked what you wrote here and agree with most of it. Because to the point of people who dont like a character writing meta i generally dont mind and if really do mind its chances those people have been blocked by me (it really depends on the take for me personally so in taht regard i do understand your frustration a lot! this is /nm btw).

And yeah the pt of my post isnt that you cant dislike ppl's posts but that i just want to open up the discussion how we can all coexist healthily within this sphere of analysis. And i dont blame you for disliking certain genres of posts in your experience even though i do still like those genres myself (with some nuance ofc).

At least one positive thing to do in situations of what you said (at least what i do) is write meta since i do understand the character (or like to think i do ig insome instances). which maybe would help people learn and change their view. I used to have really bad c!q and c!wilbur opinions ngl and i read a lot of meta ppl posted about them who did understnd their characters more and now people i think generally i have good takes on cwilbur so thanks to the wilburian meta-ers ig sldfjsdl!

all /nm gen liked your additions and stuff i hope you hav ea great day soap!

[kaizokuou-ni-naru]

The Voyage So Far: Alabasta (Part One)

east blue (1 | 2) || alabasta (1 | 2) || skypiea || water 7 || enies lobby || thriller bark || paramount war (1 | 2) || fishman island || punk hazard || dressrosa (1 | 2) || whole cake island || wano (1 | 2)

(this is a repost, i deleted the first version of it by accident cause im Idiot)

the entry into the grand line is such a great sequence. it feels like such an ending- a triumph after they’ve spent pretty much all of east blue struggling to make it here, and at the same time the beginning of a new adventure, the biggest yet, one that has yet to end a solid two decades later. they all look so happy to have made it here- it makes me smile.

whiskey peak is one of my very favorite short arcs, and i think of the whole first half of the baroque works saga its the one that hits and maintains a tone best (almost certainly because its so short, admittedly, but still). i love the repeated shots of the moon, the reveal that the cactuses are actually covered in graves, the way everything seems far too good to be true at the start and the sense of suspense that creates.

zoro’s extended fight scene in whiskey peak is so great- it’s so creative and so dynamic and the odds are stacked so high against him and yet he’s clearly having so much fun. i do miss this sort of scrappy, improvised fight, cause its largely absent from later one piece but its SO much fun to read- zoro cutting holes in rooftops for people to fall through or shoving ladders to the ground as bounty hunters try to climb them.

i’m a huge fan of fight scenes that use the environment to their fullest, and this is such a perfect example of it. it makes the fight feel a lot more real and exciting, in my opinion.

i’ve never liked zoro and luffy fighting at whiskey peak, its always struck me as frustrating and contrived and kind of out of character for both of them, but i will say that i do like how on the same page they are even when they’re trying to kill each other.

the entire first half of the baroque works saga basically serves to introduce and endear us to vivi so we’ll be invested in the alabasta conflict, and that starts here in whiskey peak, when we get our first glimpse of her actual personality rather than the act she was putting on as miss wednesday, when she bites her lip hard enough to bleed in order not to break down at igaram’s apparent death.

watching robin’s actions with the added context of later one piece is one of the great joys of rereading alabasta. she does a fantastic job of appearing to be crocodile’s most dedicated and capable and dangerous employee while quietly but consistently sabotaging his efforts; saving luffy, sparing pell, sparing igaram, not telling crocodile anything about the strawhats despite meeting them here at the very start of the saga.

little garden has some really cool and striking panels that really put the scale of things on the island, the dinosaurs and giants alike, into perspective, and i love it.

i’m a huge fan of the depth of in-universe lore one piece has. just having little details like this, quotes from books written in-universe, go so far towards making the world feel like a real and wondrous place with mysteries to be solved and details to be uncovered.

i still think sanji is firmly at his best when he’s being a sneaky bastard, and i will never cease to be delighted by how thoroughly he manages to fuck crocodile over with nothing but a phone and some quick thinking not once but twice.

i really like dorry and brogy! for minor characters who’ve only appeared in one relatively minor and inconsequential arc so far, they’re not only very fun and memorable but also leave a hell of an impact on the story, not only in usopp’s new dream of eventually visiting elbaf but also in how they and their crew just keep coming up, first in enies lobby and then even further down the line in dressrosa and whole cake island.

i’m really excited for when we eventually get to reach elbaf, because this plot thread has been so thoroughly and subtly built up over such a long time that i can’t wait to see how it ends.

this is one of my favorite little moments to really drive home how much the strawhats care about each other. they all fell asleep on the floor rather than leave nami alone.

the whole introductory scene to drum is a really good summary of who vivi is as a person and how she contrasts with luffy, and it’s something i’ve written extensively about in a past meta. here ill just settle for saying, vivi is chronically selfless, and always the sort of person to sacrifice herself for others, and these traits which save the strawhats here are the exact same ones that bring her and luffy to blows later on in alabasta.

a good thing to remember when writing characters is that traits aren’t really inherently good or bad, they’re just traits and can have positive or negative consequences depending on the situation, and i think oda is really good at this. vivi’s selflessness, usually a positive thing, becomes reckless self-sacrifice when she’s pushed to her breaking point.

‘kindness begets kindness’ is a pretty consistent theme throughout one piece, though luffy is most often on the other side of it. someone (rebecca, law, tama, etc.) does something for him without really expecting anything in return, and gets paid back a hundred times over. this is a case of the opposite- luffy helps someone offhandedly, and is later saved by their gratitude.

i think luffy wearing his fingers bloody as he climbs the drum rockies is the only time one piece has ever made me cringe back from the page. this sequence is absolutely brutal, and it’s so well-done.

the way luffy decides chopper should be his crewmate is precious, and also reminds me a little of his recruitment of sanji (ironically, given he’s talking to sanji about chopper here). in both cases he sees someone do something good without even really knowing the full extent of their abilities and makes a snap decision that they are awesome and are gonna be part of his crew, no matter what they have to say about it.

i really, really enjoy the way the drum island flashback is set up, with the cutaway right as luffy is about to punch wapol’s lights out. the cut back to that punch finally hitting when the flashback ends is by that point infinitely more satisfying, since you’ve just read chopper’s backstory and therefore have a deep and abiding desire to see wapol eat shit.

hiriluk’s final speech is definitely one of the best and most memorable quotes from one piece, and effectively the crux of one of its biggest themes. one piece is all about inherited will. all of our main cast and a solid percentage of the supporting cast bear the legacy of at least one forebear on their shoulders, from kuina to corazon to otohime. the entire setting of the story is defined by roger’s legacy.

all those people are dead, but they’re sure as hell not forgotten- how can they be, when their legacies are actively shaping the world as a direct result of their lives and influences?

i really, really like the use of flags in one piece. flags are how you declare loyalty or war in equal measure, and flying a pirate flag is a declaration that you’re choosing freedom, come what may, over the laws of the world government. it’s just a really excellent running motif, and a great symbol of what one piece’s definition of piracy means.

this scene is also one of the ones that gets even more extra weight behind it when you know luffy’s full backstory with sabo, which i love.

chopper’s recruitment scene sums up one of the reasons luffy is really great. he just doesn’t care about a lot of things other people would normally take notice of. occasionally that gets him in trouble, but other times it leads to him responding to a situation exactly right, like here. chopper is listing off all his insecurities and reasons he can’t go with the strawhats, and luffy just flat doesn’t care. he wants chopper on his crew and he knows chopper wants to be on his crew, so as far as he’s concerned, there’s no issue at all.

it really is wild that the will of D is named this far back in the story, and has consistently been referenced and built up ever since in very slight ways, through comments by characters like robin and corazon, and yet we still know basically nothing about it.

and a toast to a new crewmate!!

continued in the next post, which covers alabasta arc proper.

[tepkunset]

@avatarfandompolice​​​ is a blog that likes to misuse progressive language in attempt to make ignorant, racist posts sound more intelligent than they are. While most of their blog consists of arguing about ‘zutara,’ (which I recently learned is a ship name for Zuko and Katara from an anon), there is also a large number of posts and reblogs under the premise of being “hot takes” on how unfair it is to address racism in fandom and in media.

Avatarfandompolice is very sensitive about people pointing out that Avatar: The Last Airbender is not, in fact, flawless. That a show made by two white men featuring Asian and Indigenous characters and influences is fully capable of getting things wrong. That their western colonial views are influences all on their own, and it shows. Rather than listen to fans of colour point out things like these posts for example: [Link] [Link] [Link], avatarfandompolice has decided that such things must simply be fake, and has made multiple posts complaining it. This is not just regular ignorance, this is wilful ignorance. The dismissal of critique simply because they cannot fathom not everyone being able to handle the amount of issues they are freely educating others on, or people holding the ability to like something overall while also pointing out where it could be better.

It is my firm belief that you should never absorb media with an uncritical eye. If this was the case, if people just accepted everything given to them, then we would never see any progress. We need to be able to look back at something and say here’s what we did right, and here’s what we need to do better with.

The argument that A:TLA was made in 2012 and therefore should not be analyzed with a modern understanding of the world is downright hilarious, too. As if we aren’t taught to write literature analysis on books and plays that are centuries old in school. In particular regards to the whole cop thing... if anyone reading this seriously thinks that hate and fear of the police is just a 2020 trend, you can meet me in the pit. I was four years old when I learned how terrifying cops are. If your experiences differ, let me tell you that does not make them universal. And as for all the 20-somethings talking about it today, well, gentle reminder that as said by avatarfandompolice right here, the show aired in 2012. Little 10-year-old kids don’t have social media, (at least I hope they don’t,) and unless they grew up experiencing first-hand police terror, probably were not aware of it at that age. I do not know why avatarfandompolice insults people's ability to grow and learn. I can only guess it’s jealously from their lack of ability to do so.

Now let’s address their defences of whitewashing, which is easily the most backwards reaching I’ve seen on this issue in a while. Primarily their defence relies on four repetitive “points” —

Fake minuscule percentages to downplay the high prevalence and extremity of whitewashing in the fandom

Deflecting the addressing of whitewashing with rapid-fire fake scenarios and claims of “reverse racism” / “blackwashing”

Claiming whitewashing isn’t real because people only care about it with Katara

Claiming that calling out whitewashing in fandom is wrong because it hurts artists

I have only so much as dipped my toes into the A:TLA fandom, and even I have seen a lot of whitewashed fan art. If you do an image search for fan art, I guarantee within the first couple rows of results, there will be in the absolute least, a few examples. The idea of these artworks not substantially lightening skin is also just plain inaccurate. Just from a quick Google search, this is literally the first result for ‘Avatar The Last Airbender Katara fan art’:

Avatarfandompolice is also hyper-focused on the lightening of skin, and seems to be under the impression that this is the only component of whitewashing. I come to this conclusion because when someone pointed out the equal prevalence of depicting these characters of colour with Western European features instead of their actual eyes, noses, etc., they rip a giant turd out of their ass and scrawl the words “but stereotyping” over it. No, not all Asian peoples and Indigenous peoples look the same. The original poster made no such claim of this at all. Avatarfandompolice jumped to this conclusion all on their own... (which really says a lot in itself). It is entirely unrelated to the point. The point being the erasure of how these characters look, in favour of giving them whiter features. And guess what? This does hurt. But I’ll get to that below.

The lack of understanding of whitewashing is on full display when avatarfandompolice talks about “blackwashing”; the idea that colouring characters with darker skin is just like whitewashing. Firstly, there is no such thing as “blackwashing.” “Blackwashing,” “brownwashing,” etc. does not exist because it is a false equivalency to whitewashing. It is a false equivalency to whitewashing because white people are not even in the slightest loosing representation when a white character is re-imagined as a racial minority, whereas when racial minorities are re-imagined as white people, they are taking away from what is already very little representation for us. If we lived in a world where the statistics of representation were not so drastically disproportionate, then there would be something to talk about. But if you are really wanting to support equality, you should focus on equitably supporting those who actually need it, not white people. As for specifically depicting characters like Sokka and Katara with darker skin than what they have in the show, the same applies, (so long as it’s not racebending them as we really shouldn’t be taking representation away from each other, and the artist avatarfandompolice ridicules above has done no such thing,) because colourism also exists within nonwhite communities as well.

As for the fake questions about cosplaying, the answer is really simple: Cosplay however you want, but don’t make pretending to be a different race part of your cosplay. If you want to cosplay Katara, you can do it without painting your skin darker, aka brownface. If you want to cosplay Zuko, you can do it without editing yourself to look East Asian, aka digital yellowface. The racist history behind this is an internet search away, but I suppose that is too difficult for avatarfandompolice to do.

Avatarfandompolice has made multiple claims that people must not really care about whitewashing if they only call it out for Katara. It is laughable at best, and sad at worst, that this is the conclusion they come to, and not the fact that unfortunately Katara just happens to be subjected to more whitewashing than other characters. I assume this is from a mix of her popularity as well as being a WOC and not MOC. This is not to say that whitewashing does not exist with male characters—not in the slightest. Half the images on this “10 fan art pictures of Sokka that are just the best” list from CBR are whitewashed. Only that across fandoms, whitewashing is more prevalent in female characters, by my observations at least.

Finally—and this one pisses me off the most—avatarfandompolice claims that whitewashing is no big deal, but calling out whitewashing is too harmful to justify. How fucking dare you put the feelings of artists who can’t handle critique of their work (that they publicly share) over fans of colour, who are constantly subjected to seeing our identities and looks not being worth respecting. As if it doesn’t imprint on your mind from a very young age how only villains ever have your facial features, because they’re ugly and I guess that means you’re ugly. As if there is something wrong with you. As if respecting you is regarded as extra effort, and not just common courtesy.

Whitewashing is a form of colourism, which is a form of racism. It is the favouritism, unconscious or not, of white features and the erasure of visible characters of colour. It is not fandom drama. It is not being too lazy to focus on “real issues” because it is part of a real issue. It is yet another part of why fandom spaces are so uninviting to POC. We live in a society that favours lighter skin. Corporations make fortunes from selling products to bleach your skin, products to contour your features away or go as far as surgery, all to meet beauty standards set by and influenced by white colonizers. That does not exist in A:TLA, and that’s called refreshing escapism. But it’s hard to escape that when the fandom constantly reminds you otherwise. It is a perfect example of how the classic “just let people enjoy things” complaint is nothing but disguised racism, because it’s only ever said regarding white fans’ enjoyment, at the expense of fans of colour.

None of the characters in A:TLA are white. Redesigning them and recolouring them as if they are, be it out of accident or intent is wrong. If you get called out for it, apologize, learn from the experience and do better going forward. You’ll also improve your art this way.

Beyond excusing whitewashing, avatarfandompolice has overt racist posts as well. A Black fan said they like to headcanon Katara as being partially Black; “I swear Katara was a sister. Im convinced there ain't no way she didn't have some black in her.” Avatarfandompolice jumps in saying “She's literally an Inuit but ok” as if being an Inuk person means Katara can’t possibly also be Black. The OP never claimed Katara was not Indigenous, simply that they also saw her as Black. Black Indigenous peoples exist. Black Inuk peoples exist. It is overtly anti-Black to say otherwise. But what even is the point of talking to avatarfandompolice about that? You know, you would think in trying to put such a front up of caring about the Inuit, they would do the most basic learning of the proper grammatical use of Inuit and Inuk. (As is the case with a great many Indigenous Nations, Inuit is both the Nation and plural. Inuk is singular. “An Inuit” / “Inuits” as avatarfandompolice has used just makes their dressed-up racism all the more pathetic. It’s similar to as if you said “Chinas” instead of “Chinese”.)

But all this is nothing, nothing compared to the worst post I had the displeasure of seeing. In a single post, avatarfandompolice manages to squeeze in insult against low income people, Mexican people, Jewish people, and Black people in a mockery of financial help posts. Absolutely disgusting, childish behaviour from a place of privilege. As someone who has had no option but to make such a post before, more than once, let me fucking tell you that the embarrassment and desperation when in that situation is unparalleled. It is not done lightly. It is done when you are at the last resort of having nothing but hope that the combined generosity of others will be enough to save you and your family. And what adds a whole other level to the odiousness of avatarfandompolice’s post is that they specifically targeting low income minorities to boot. Because we’re all poor beggars, right?

All in all, for someone who prides themselves in calling others ignorant, avatarfandompolice has to be one of the most obtuse fandom blogs I have ever scrolled through. They are as vile as they are pathetic, and my sincere sympathy for anyone who has been unfortunate enough to interact with them. It has been a while since I so strongly recommend blocking someone.

[vigilantegetawaydriver]

Could you possibly write a frank x female reader who is fairly androgynous. Like really short hair who mostly wears sweats and crappy shirts. Im tired of reading so many Uber feminine reader fits. Hard to relate. Thank you!

Thanks for your request! This is actually my first time writing a requested fic, so be warned.

Note :Since I can actually relate a lot to your request, as I myself often wear stuff that isn’t really feminine , and occasionally shop in the guys section. (funny how xs for women and xl for men fits me the same, seriously sizes are confusing af. ) I corrected this at 1 A.M. so be warned

Warnings: grapic descriptions of violence and language

Pairing: frank castle x reader

Anyways here a little summary: I decided to go with Frank from season 1 episode 1 aka Construction worker Frank. The female reader is a co worker of Frank, and those bullies at the construction who bullied Frank (calling him a gimp etc.) are occasionally picking on her too. She actually thinks Frank is alright , but doesn’t try to pry to much so she just keeps a safe distance. Frank Frank kinda likes her too, you’ll see.

It had been three months since you started working here and had completed your apprenticeship. You quickly figured out that you were the only female on this construction site. That didn’t bother you though, as long as you could do your job , you were fine. There were some things that annoyed you though, on this particular site were a lot of douchebags, some were bullying everyone that didn’t fit in, which included you and some guy that didn’t play well with others, and of course there were guys that couldn’t stop commenting on your figure , even though you wore the same work clothes as them, since they didn’t have any of them fit for women they were pretty baggy on you, but you never were one to put much effort into dressing feminine . That didn’t matter apparently. You didn’t let them bring you down though, if someone commented on your appearance or mocked the way you behaved you were sure to give them a hard time.

Today a new worker was joining the construction team. You hadn’t really been introduced yet; the bullies usually beat you to it. As always, they were showing the new guy around, making him familiar with the site. You went ahead to go do your todays task, you had been assigned to work with Pete, so you made your way up to his workplace. As you arrived the guys that were showing the new guy around were picking on Pete. One was poking him in the chest, calling him a “gimp”. Pete didn’t react though, just staring at the guy and then turning his back. They seemed to lose interest and moved on.

“I hate those assholes.” You muttered passing Pete and putting your gear on the ground next to you. Pete just gave you a wordless shrug as answer and picked up his hammer. From there on you two worked silently next to each other, until it was time for lunch.

You were just unpacking your lunch when you heard some guys talking about a gig , to make some fast money ,illegally apparently. Pete must have heard it too, because he was looking a lot grumpier than usual. Just as you wanted to say something one of the guys that had been talking started to walk towards Pete bellowing in his face that he was intruding. When the guy started stomping on Pete’s lunch, you had had enough of it. You knew that Pete could take care of himself, he was more that capable of that , but you just couldn’t let it stand that those guys were treating another human being like that.

” Hey dirtbag, I am here too , he isn’t the only one that heard you talking bout your fucking illegal business! Maybe you’re just too damn stupid to realize it but that ain´t exactly the stuff to talk about at your workplace with your coworkers around!” You bellowed in his face.

“What did you just say you fucking bitch?!” The dirtbag shouted at you.

“Your dick may be small, that’s okey , but don’t let your frustration at your inability to get laid out on other people!” You countered in a mocking tone.

Well you didn’t expect to hear Pete chuckle, and you certainly didn’t expect your coworker to smack you in the face. You saw stars for a moment , but then you recovered quickly to land a precise punch on his nose. In your peripheral you could see his friends emerging, and started to brace yourself for a real fight. Two guys were advancing you, when Pete suddenly pulled you behind him. While he was busy with those two you had to go against the guy that had started it all, he had picked up a sledgehammer and was trying to hit you with it. Seeing the hole in the wall it had produced next to you, you quickly started to get real nervous , you hastily picked up a metal bar that was lying beside you. It was clear by now that these guys were trying to kill you, and apparently Pete too. While you had been dodging the one guy , Pete had at least killed one guy and knocked two others out, one of them not wanting to stay down it seemed. You had heard shots too, apparently someone had pulled a gun , but Pete had quickly gotten a hold of it and killed them.

With a loud crash the hammer collided with the bar you were using to defend yourself with. Slowly you began to think that you might not make it out of here alive.

All of a sudden Pete appeared behind your assailant and grabbed a hold of the hammer. He smashed it into the guys skull , he fell down immediately. His lifeless form now decorating the ground with his blood. You looked up at Pete a shocked expression plastered on your face. He just growled:” You don’t fucking hit a woman.”

You wanted to say something when you noticed another guy aiming his gun at Pete. Pushing Pete out of the way you quickly charged at the man effectively knocking the gun out of his hand. It clattered to the floor, and before you could reach for it, Pete had it aimed at the guy and shot him straight in the head.

It was sickening the stench of blood everywhere, but your focus was on Pete , or maybe you should call him Frank.

You hadn’t been sure at first but his little massacre just now had confirmed your suspicions that he was indeed the punisher.

“We need to go,” was all he said before gripping your hand and pulling you with him. Wordlessly you followed him down the stairs.

When you arrived at the yard you said:” W-We can take my c-car.” Given that you were in shock you just handed him the keys to your black chevy truck.

Apparently there were no witnesses, since it had been around lunch there hadn’t been anyone else on the site at the time it happened. Since you two were missing , you were a suspect. So you stayed with Frank for a while.

It had been more than a while since the incident, and you and Frank were sitting at a diner talking. “I talked to a friend, and he said he can help you.Gget you a new identity, you could start over.” Frank suggested in a hushed voice. “We have been over this , I don’t want a new start.But if you don’t want me to stay with you anymore that’s fine.” You mumbled. Looking into his eyes , searching for something unknown. Franks response was a little agitated , he grabbed your hand that was laying on the table next to his. Squeezing it he mumbled: “That is not what I am saying, I just want you to have a choice.” You wanted to say something when the waitress called to you saying there was someone on thenphone for Frank.

It had been an awful couple of days, Frank and you both had tried to find out as much as you could about this Micro guy. Frank had cut off his beard and gotten a buzz cut, which you didn’t mind one bit by the way. You had had to change you appearance too, cutting off your hair till it was just below your ears and dying it black. You had just finished rubbing it dry with a towel and were putting on your cargo pants, Frank had the same ones just a few sizes bigger, when he walked in and looked at you :”You know you can still back out now, you don’t have to do this for me, we have no idea who this guy even is.” He tried to convince you.

“I told you already , I will not let you do this alone, I have your back. Besides if we are right then he is just some nerd guy that wants to get back to his family.” You walked towards him. He looked at you like he was in deep thought before he said, cupping your face with his hands:” You stay behind me , and remember what we talked about. If you get hurt I don’t know what I will do.”

It was the first time he admitted that you meant something to him. You got on your tiptoes and placed a quick kiss on his cheek instead of his lips , as you didn’t want to overstep anything. But he wouldn’t have it, leaning in he pulled you towards him once more , kissing you gently on the lips. You leaned into it trying to hold in the moan that eventually escaped your lips. You both parted panting and looking at each other.

“You want this?” He asked hastily while his hand squeezed your hip. “Yes , yes I do.“ You panted, just before he pulled you in again , crushing his lips to yours.

You barely made it to the bed.

Micro would have to wait.

[smalltragedy]

* justice smith, demi man + he/they | you know gabriel de leon, right? they’re twenty three, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, six years? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to 1984 (infinite jest) by the used like, a million times this year, which makes sense ‘cause they’ve got that whole waking up in a body as heavy as the dead, emotions always on the verge of spilling over - you laugh before the punch lands, the belief that every encounter you have will be the last thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is october 31st, so they’re a scorpio, which is unsurprising, all things considered. ( james, 21, est, they/them )

hi im just reposting gabe’s intro bc its been a very long time n im starting a little fresh hehe. yes i do regret the text color bt im not going back.

VIOLENCE TW

mini playlist.

ghosting ;; mother mother / roam the room ;; citizen / art of doubt ;; metric / thnks fr th mmrs ;; fall out boy / heart in a cage ;; the strokes / where is my mind? ;; the pixies / flowers grow out of my grave ;; dead man’s bones / 1984 (infinite jest) ;; the used / blister in the sun ;; the violent femmes.

statistics.

full name: gabriel de leon.

nickname(s): gabe.

birthday: october 31st, 1997.

zodiac: scorpio sun, scorpio moon, gemini ascending.

label: the icarian.

hometown: belleville, new jersey.

sexuality: bisexual (masc-leaning).

pinterest.

biography.

it’s only rly ever been gabe n his mom n the little new jersey suburbs that r always the same no matter where they go. they dn’t speak abt fathers or brothers or spain or anywhere other than the now, and how its constantly changing bt oddly the same.

his mom’s name is sonia n we love her. she worked a lot as a single mom n p much hs done everything on her own ever since leaving spain.

they dn’t talk abt spain bt we cn talk abt spain n hw sonia hd grown up partially there n partially in the states n hw she’d originally planned to live there forever bt the man she’d fallen in love with ws involved in some. high class dangerous shit n it ws safer fr them to part even if tht involved leaving everything she knew n loved <3

bt its like. ok. bc she hd gabe <3 n they dnt talk abt it so it practically nvr happened. n she tries her best as a mom n usually tht is enough.

they moved around a lot just bc sonia is a very. flighty person. anxious bt nvr seems tht way is just always. tense. gabe didnt think she ws capable of relaxing fr. a rly long time.

she wld commute 2 nyc every morning n after school gabe wld climb onto the train n by the time he got 2 her place of work she’d be just getting off n they’d get a slice of pizza n sometimes they’d go somewhere like central park or coney island (just fr the novelty) bt most of the time they just got back on the train home w/ gabe either doing homework or napping on her shoulder.

when gabe got a little older he’d sometimes skip school n take the train after sonia had already gone so he cld spend the day in nyc. he liked learning bt didnt rly like school. he nvr properly fit in bc of the amt of times they’d move so it felt like nowhere ws. right fr him.

got rly involved in. the punk scene as a young unsupervised teenager n tht led 2 a lot of like. shitty stick n pokes bt also a love of. very loud angry music n a sense of justice tht he held tightly in his fists. got mouthy towards bullies whether at school or in the scenes he involved himself in n started getting into a lot of fights bc of it.

during this, sonia ended up dating n marrying gabe’s stepdad who he calls craig sometimes bt i dnt think thats his name i wont lie to u guys. its partially a joke n partially purposeful disrespect bc gabriel does not trust a single man bt like. man. ‘craig’ is just an accountant. he’s fine he’s a good dude. they once bonded over like. the mets.

violence tw // anyways. when gabriel ws 16 he got into a super super bad fight tht ended rly. terribly n like listen. nobody died bt it ws just. it got blown up very out of proportion n gabe might’ve gotten expelled even tho he wsnt even the one who started it bt thts okay. ‘craig’, or paul, suggested tht maybe. a change of scenery wld b good fr gabe n b4 they knew it they were. moving to paul-robert’s hometown of irving, north carolina. violence end of tw //

he wld’ve complained more bt. fr sonia’s sake gabe kept it 2 himself. it made her happy 2 see them all get along anyways n like. idk he cld put forth tht little effort <3

bt honestly like. he didnt rly get into too many fights once they moved down here n even tho sometimes he ws like. ommgg. i hate this town .. its so washed up .. he still made friends n like. the only thing tht changed ws tht it ws a lil harder fr him 2 acquire illegal substances.

anyways. currently he hs a tattoo apprenticeship n is a professional piercer n like. he plays guitar n writes songs bt thts more of a hobby rn than anything else. mostly focused on paying his rent at port apartments bc as much as he. loves his mom he does not want 2 live with her forever <3 n thts okay!

personality & facts.

overall xtremely passionate person like god. feels emotions so intensely. every time he opens his mouth n talks abt an interest of theirs its just very like. u listen n ur like oh. gained 2 inspiration. thanks.

clings onto his friends p tightly bc he like. nvr rly stayed in one place fr super super long in new jersey so he nvr made very long term friends n now hes like. very clingy HLKDSHLKFSHLKDG also hates to b alone. subtle desperation behind interactions with ppl he rly wld like to be friends with.

like dnt get me wrong hes gotten into. sm fights bt thts mostly bc he cannot keep his mouth shut n he also cnt stand douchebags he like. always wants to tear them down prob bc he ws a victim of bullying. n u know what. we support him. otherwise he loves ppl bt esp if they hv similar interests 2 him.

like golden retriever who bites kind of. intensely loyal but at the same time is very skeptical. things tht good things do not last very long even though they’ve been doing already fr the last few years.

also bit of a nerd. they were nvr rly a big fan of school bt theres smth abt a good superhero comic tht draws their attention more than like. any english class evr. bt seven soldiers of victory? classic. big dc fan.

uh. very into like. hardcore music. hardcore rock. punk. if its loud n angry they r into it like so so much. hs sm tattoos is like. super covered in them its partially bc they work at a tattoo shop n partially bc they do not know hw to manage their money well.

ooohh u know what theyre. kinda moody i wont lie to u. very defensive like they dnt evr wna talk abt their past. has experienced Things n they do not wish to discuss them. will usually like. deflect frm conversations he doesnt wna hv.

in tune with nature. loves fkn taking walks. hangs out in the woods by abernathy creek n lilac ridge bc nobody rly goes there n its just. nice

tries not 2 take anything super seriously 2 the point where when he does take smth seriously its a little scary bc theyre super intense abt it. forcibly optimistic even tho on the inside he feels like a total pessimist. lots of. deep down insecurities tht he projects by attaching himself p firmly onto others. >.>

so so so energetic. can never stay still. always hs to be moving around. restless like tht. probably got it frm his mom. overly protective over the ppl he loves. probably got it frm his mom as well.

goes onto Tangents bt also divert frm those tangents n is generally all over the place.

always cold n always looks tired n like he hsnt slept in a thousand years n u know what. sometimes he just does not sleep.

oooohh theyre a vegan. totally into animal rights. devious little demi man beyond that .. loves horror n the paranormal n believes in like. every cryptic. will debate u on it.

erm not. the kindest 2 themself theyre a bit self destructive. impulsive. drives very fast n parties super hard. said i will hv my effy stonem moment. u dont hv to gabe.

bt ya! luvs oranges n reds n is maybe a short king. hs an eyebrow piercing n like. a lip ring i wont fk around here he IS living his best emo life in 2021. a little outdated on the trends bt thats okay. probably will tell u hes frm new jersey. its a personality trait. smokes the shittiest cigarettes ever.

wanted plots.

just ghosting along ,, dnt even exist 2 me ,, ;; god. firstly just the vast amt of ppl tht gabe hs like. spoken to romantically n then dropped suddenly. n then maybe like. one tht actually Hurt bt they cnt avoid each other bt theyre actively pretending each other doesnt exist n its. hurtful bc it ws like. actually smth nice bt <3 ykno FKLFSDHG

hey hey heyy c’maahn i’m just a little guy ;; n this is the vast amt of ppl tht gabe hs probably. pissed off n hs either fought or been on the verge of fighting just. unable 2 resist a good bicker-turned-duel.

just blistering in the sun ;; they cld b close friends bt also they cld also not b bt just ppl who. indulge in bad impulsive decisions with gabe. general bad influences on each other’s health n just. no good! party hard bt at what cost.

n also ;; like ... rly solid good friendships ... flings n maybe an exe or two tht either ended on good terms or just. horrendous, ppl they’ve distanced frm, ppl also frm up north, piercing customers, bt not tattoo customers bc im p sure they’d get fired if they were just tattoo’ing ppl willy nilly, etc.

[veryvincible]

Do you think you could share some of your Tony Ty youth/relationship days hcs? hehe

Yours truly,

Tys obsessed fan

Oh boy! I have been sitting on this for a few days now, because there is, uh, a lot. Also, I adore you, and I love every Ty ask I receive.

I think this post would end up far too long if I responded the way I desire to in my heart, so I’ll keep it relatively simple (edit: it did not stay relatively simple, and also it branched out slightly into other topics. This is so very long. Be warned.)

Content warnings here for psychological/emotional abuse/domestic abuse/child abuse!

I like to think they didn’t really have a “let’s get together!” moment. I think they ended up becoming close, they were casual with each other, and it just kind of... became what it became. I think they probably ended up using labels at some point, but I don’t think there was ever an official, “Would you like to go out on a date with me?” or “Would you want to be, like, boyfriends?” moment. 

I think Tony was a generally isolated kid (obviously, he gained acquaintances like Bruce and potentially Reed as he grew older, but you know) and Ty was... probably also a generally isolated kid. Ty may have had a few other “friends” around, given what we know about him; he’s certainly charismatic. I don’t think Ty would have really developed close friendships with many people, though, given that his personality seems more rotten the closer you get to him.

We don’t see a lot of their childhood together at all, so this is almost entirely shit I’ve come up with for the sake of fic writing and general note-taking for the sake of coherency with how I write Ty, but.

One thing I tend to lean toward is the idea that Ty had kind of an awful home life. This isn’t really an, “Aw, boo, so sad, what a tragic man,” sort of thing so much as it is that... I think Ty and Tony are at their most interesting when they’re contrasting forces, and the idea of Tony (a victim of abuse who broke the cycle) becoming friends with Ty (a victim of abuse who perpetuates the cycle) at a young age, not in spite of their differences but because of them, is something I really like to think about.

We don’t actually get much of Ty’s parents in canon-- they’re kind of implied to be, like, Fine Parents. They’re contrasted with Howard Stark, who pulls the shark-eat-shark business motherfucker thing and basically causes Mr. Stone’s business to, like. Drown, or whatever. You know. The contrast there is implied, and I respect that for what it is. That being said, that’s not what interesting for me to write, and as such, I’ve chosen to tweak these little details for the sake of my more personalized (and slightly more self-indulgent) fic writing experience.

I think there’s a lot of potential in considering the differences between how they act at home as opposed to how they act with each other, too. I think Home Tony is generally apprehensive and subdued, but more uncertain and anxious than outright fearful 24/7. In IM Vol. 1, Howard was shown to be unpredictable; we got to see a lot of bad, but there were also sparkling moments wherein they seemed to be bonding as a father-son duo, and Tony would actually get to work with his father and learn from his father. I think that very well could have exacerbated the anxiety he felt, because he’s not being taught to never touch anything ever-- he’s being taught that there are very specific circumstances under which he’s able to explore as he’d like to, and those circumstances are 1) virtually impossible to accurately predict and 2) subject to change at the drop of a hat. So, Tony has been shown to be at least a little bit capable of testing the waters with what he’s allowed to do in the house and what he’s not allowed to do. That doesn’t make it any less anxiety-inducing, it just makes him a tiny, tiny bit of a more active child than one who’s constantly paralyzed.

Home Ty, to me, would be the opposite-- he is fearful 24/7, and as such, his behavior as a child is kind of... flawless, at least in the eyes of parents who think that children should be seen, not heard (and sometimes not even seen). I think both of his parents were abusive-- his father more so than his mother, but certainly both of them, if only because I think it would be yet another nice contrast between him and Tony, whose mother wasn’t perfect but certainly tried harder and felt more for Tony than Howard did. I like to think Ty was kept on a very short leash at home; boundaries were predictable, there were no “glimmering moments” he could grasp onto in order to make him feel like there was ever a chance of having normal family dynamics, and he was too afraid to really... do anything about it.

In contrast, I think Boarding School Ty was probably a lot pushier, a lot more risk-taking, and generally just... took up more space. I think he was still pretty fearful of authority and nervous about punishment, but he was well aware of the fact that this was distinctly different from being at home and that most people at school didn’t give a flying fuck about him. It likely could have been both liberating and anxiety inducing for someone so used to being around people who found it important to control him. I think he was probably pretty manipulative at this point, but I don’t think it was at the point where you would point to him and go, “Oh, what a fucked up, toxic person!”, especially since he was, like... a little fucking dude. Like, a fucking young’un. But I think the seeds were sort of planted here, and given that he had no healthy relationships to model himself after, he worked off of the assumption that in order to have control as opposed to being controlled, he needed to 1) possess things, 2) protect them aggressively, and 3) make sure his authority wasn’t threatened.

Boarding School Tony (from what little we’ve seen of him, though we can imagine he was probably similar to pre-boarding school Tony for a while, just with more Issues now) was probably the opposite-- less willing to take up space and less willing to take risks. It’s not unimaginable to assume that he might have thought his (extremely) mild exploratory tendencies might have had something to do with the abandonment, and he very well could have adjusted accordingly; if him causing trouble for people was what pushed his parents to leave him, he would very simply not cause trouble. A lot of this is nabbed from Adult Tony tendencies, wherein pretty much everyone else is prioritized over himself and he’s practically incapable of finding himself worthy of anything at all.

It’s the classic “extrovert friend-adopts an introvert” trope, except... it’s a severely damaged child feeling gutsy enough to finally, finally take up space and find something to possess and control for his own for once... friend-adopting a severely damaged child who very likely feels like the best way to proceed in relationships is to very clearly identify boundaries, figure out what it is the other person wants from him, and try to adhere to those desires as much as he’s able.

Of course, canon portrays the relationship as a “friendly rivalry” that Ty takes much more seriously than Tony does. From what we’ve seen of Tony, though, Tony doesn’t actually want to be better than anyone. In fact, he tries his best to make it seem like the opposite. He treats everyone like they’re on the same level, he tries to simplify the concepts he’s explaining so no one feels inferior to him, and, generally, he just... isn’t much of a braggart. That isn’t to say competitive/proud people can’t be kind and gentle and want to level the playing field often, but in Tony’s case, it seems that competition is best for two things: 1) having two intelligent, capable people trying to outdo each other and, in the process, creating better and better technology for the betterment of society at large, and 2) lighthearted fun.

For Ty, it very clearly wasn’t just lighthearted fun, and I think most of their childhood rivalry would have become formulaic at a point: Tony would put a good amount of effort into their competitions, but if it seemed that Ty was lagging behind too much, Tony would simply back off and let things even out. I don’t think Ty was predictably a sore loser; in fact, I think he was unpredictable, and I think a part of Tony that had only known life to be unpredictable found some level of sick comfort in that.

For Tiberius Stone specifically, I tend to read more into the unintended consequences/implications of his character based on one-off lines that... weren’t really intended to say much. The story canon gives us isn’t incohesive, exactly! It’s a pretty good story, especially if you’re not hellbent on analyzing character motivations. There’s just a lot about Ty that doesn’t seem very stable. Obviously, he’s not a stable person, given that he, uh, freaked the fuck out and tried to take over the world. But when I say Ty doesn’t seem very stable, I mean his character doesn’t seem the most stable at a second glance; we’re given conflicting accounts about his motivations, his intentions, his past, and even what he’s trying to do in the moment. And some of these inconsistences can be found in dialogue from Ty’s own mouth.

Now, if you read into it from a point of view that’s canon-adjacent as opposed to canon-compliant (i.e., assuming there’s much more of a story there than canon offers, and canon’s “case closed!” for the timeline of Ty’s life isn’t actually a closed case), you can gauge not only some level of dysregulation, but also... a level of delusion, almost. Ty seems disconnected from reality, but it’s not like there’s one single alternate timeline of events that’s cohesive in his head. It feels like his view of the world and, most importantly, himself (and this is excluding dialogue wherein he’s explicitly lying to Tony in order to manipulate him).

Most notably, we can kind of gauge fluctuations in his own views of his self worth. He engages in constant competition with Tony, he refuses to come back to America after leaving until he’s more successful than Tony, and pretty much everything he does is to prove he’s better than Tony. So, he thinks he’s better than Tony, right?

Well, not really. Because so much of his life was spent with the understanding that he wasn’t better than Tony. That was the whole reason he was gone for so long. He said he’d come back once he’d beat Tony, and... he still hadn’t beaten Tony. The beginning of the narrative leads you to assume that he thinks his big victory was being richer somehow, but it was all a set-up to bait Tony into Dreamvision. He comes across like he wants to kill Tony at first, and when that doesn’t work, he wants to... keep Tony. Like a pet, almost. But he also wants Tony to... kill him?

It’s a lot. It’s messy. It’s inconsistent. And that’s kind of what’s interesting about it. It (unintentionally, probably) suggests that Ty doesn’t have consistent motivations, which is something you do see often in people who are in survival mode in environments that don’t necessarily warrant it. It suggests a psychological wound that’s easy to poke at.

Essentially, Ty just comes across as very... hurt. Which, y’know, doesn’t justify shit and doesn’t make him any better of a person, but it provides the opportunity for some interesting narratives to sprout. Figuring out all the ways that Tony could unintentionally pick at this psychological wound of his and all the ways Ty could poorly respond is neat, I think, and I feel like these kinds of narratives tend to be very... raw, I guess, is the word I’m looking for. They just kind of hit hard, especially for those who have experienced similar situations.

It’s just something that’s terribly common in abusive relationships-- any implication that the traumatized abuser is doing something wrong can be a trigger for a borderline nervous breakdown, which makes communication practically impossible and, if the victim of the abuse feels obligated to stick around or take on the role of caretaker, turns the relationship into a cycle of insecurity and misery on all fronts. That’s not to say the abuser and the victim are suffering equally or are equally justified/valid, but it is a kind of relationship dynamic that can be incredibly cathartic to both write and read, and it’s also just... I don’t know. It just, as the kids say, hits different.

So, rewinding about four paragraphs there (whoops, this is getting long), I think most of my feelings about youth/relationship days Ty/Tony kind of center around this concept of two suffering people handling their trauma in totally opposite ways. I think it’s especially interesting to look at it from the point of view of them as younger adults (or teenagers, or children) who aren’t so set in their ways quite yet. You see these redemptive qualities and you see these children and these teenagers who are so, so ready to be helped and saved and cared for, but with the knowledge that they just... don’t get that. Not for a long time, at least.

It can feel fatalistic from a narrative standpoint, and... I mean, it kind of is. There are very few circumstances under which I could see Ty getting a redemption arc of any kind, and that’s kind of what makes a younger Ty so tragic. Everything he does is born of insecurity and anger, and everything Tony does is born of insecurity and love.

I think (for a short period of time, at least), they molded each other. Ty’s anger and competitiveness only solidified Tony’s inferiority complex and Tony’s inability to really, genuinely stand up against Ty in a way that would make any lasting meaningful changes only cemented the idea in Ty’s head that this was an acceptable way to be.

Now that that’s out of the way, here are some more simple and concise headcanons, because you asked for them and I’m sorry this became so terribly long and broke off in so many different directions:

- I think Tony and Ty bickered a lot as they got older. I don’t think Tony was totally incapable of standing up for himself, but I do think Tony probably had a tendency to call Ty out in the moment, and when Ty became too agitated and too unreasonable, Tony just left it alone and let it settle. 

- I think Ty can play house extremely well. He probably remembers all of Tony’s favorite foods, favorite songs, favorite fabrics, favorite... I don’t know what other favorite things you could have, but you get my point. I don’t think he always used this information, but I think it would be incredibly important for him to know how to make someone feel loved, even if he didn’t always employ these methods (and in some cases, may have actively withheld certain kindnesses as acts of pettiness). I think it was also incredibly important for him to know Tony’s dislikes, for... obvious reasons.

- As I said before, I think Ty had a tendency to become terribly dysregulated; I think he was more than capable of both premeditated manipulation and unintentional manipulation. I think he very likely could have fallen into a spiral of thoughts that could make it pretty clear just how easily his self worth and his view of Tony’s worth fluctuated. 

- Tony’s just... a stronger person than Ty. That’s a given. That’s been proven. And I think a lot of Tony’s willingness to put up with Ty would have come from this idea that he was more resilient and Ty was more fragile and volatile, so if Ty needed to take shit out on him every so often, that was fair enough.

- Another factor that may have played into Tony’s tolerance of Ty’s behavior in their youth (which, again, wasn’t nearly as awful as what Ty did as a grown ass man, given how Tony responded to Ty post-Dreamvision and how he pretty much immediately broke things off-- though, I very much enjoy the concept of Tony making some effort to make amends and Ty failing to meet him in the middle yet again) could have been the fact that it feels like Ty probably didn’t have a lot of other friends at all, especially not close friends. I think Tony would very much carry the weight of this “Maybe I’m the only person in the world who loves him” mindset. He values human life quite a bit, and I believe that even on a less intimate scale, if Tony tried to view the situation through the perspective of an outsider, he would still feel terribly, terribly saddened by the very human tragedy of being forced to take more than you can reasonably handle and becoming difficult to redeem as a result of this-- not because there’s no good left in you, but because you’re so frightened by the idea of even touching the trauma that you can’t force yourself to acknowledge you have a problem to begin with.

- I don’t think Ty feels the same comfort and warmth from physical contact that most people do, not because of anything innate (i.e. a natural preference), but because the only physical contact he received for a long, long time was, uh... Awful! That being said, I think he enjoys physical contact on the basis of being the center of attention, and he probably initiated physical contact quite a bit. I think Tony’s very big on physical contact, and Ty would very much play into Tony’s preferences here, too. Just to make himself seem like a better, more attentive boyf.

- This one is less tragic-- I think Ty and Tony get pretentious together! While I adore in-canon comparisons between Tony and the rest of high society, I also think a long-forgotten part of Tony’s character in fanon is the fact that he really does fit in with a more yacht-having crowd just as much as he fits in with your average Joes. He was raised by them and with them, after all, and his education was shaped by this. Of course he doesn’t love a lot of the culture around it, but with regards to the more harmless aspects of being a privileged kid in the environment he was in (the experiences one might have that aren’t inherently negative, that is, like having certain extracurriculars or being exposed to certain educational content), I think Ty and Tony really mesh here. Tony’s sense of humor with Ty would be totally different from his sense of humor with someone like Steve, which would also be totally different from his sense of humor with someone like Rumiko. Tony’s incredibly well-rounded, and I think he could match Ty’s Classics-loving, borderline classical theater kid tendencies very well.

- This one is 100% headcanon, based on virtually nothing other than, like, one comic panel... that isn’t even awesome evidence. It’s just a personal hc. I think Ty’s gay. Like, obviously, he’s gay for Tony, w/e. But I think Ty’s gay as in, Ty is exclusively attracted to men. The only women he ever had eyes for (or showed interest in) were the women that Tony had shown interest in/dated first, implying that there’s more of a possessive/competitive aspect than anything really... genuine. Of course, that doesn’t mean he can’t be bi, pan, or anything else (or straight, obviously, but this whole post is about him and a guy he likes to fuck, so that doesn’t really fit into the theme, here), but I prefer to write him as someone who’s only really interested in men (Tony specifically), and I prefer to write Tony as a bisexual man with a preference for women. This wasn’t really intended to be a big contrast between them; I had the headcanon for Tony already set in stone (haha), and for a long while I wrote Ty as a bi man, but recently I’ve kind of shifted things around to better accommodate my feelings about these characters.

- I love, love, love tattooed Ty. Get this man a quote in Latin on the base of his neck. Get this man some symbolic tattoos. Let this man be a poet who simultaneously wants to appear profound for appearances and wants to have these symbols on his body just because he likes them, and he likes to look at them, and they feel reflective of who he is. I have very specific Ty tattoo thoughts that I do not remember at all, but this is the gist of it.

- I think Ty handles the “normal” adventurous stuff, but he’s far more of a, uh... I don’t know, a pussy? than Tony is. Tony deals with actual threats; Ty deals with fake, stupid threats. Ty is the guy who rids the dorms of cockroaches when Tony’s too afraid to and Tony is the guy who handles home invasions.

- I think the vast majority of Ty’s abuse is emotional/psychological, not only because this is what comes most naturally to him and it’s easy for him to fall into these manipulative tendencies without necessarily thinking about it, but also because physical abuse would cross a line for him in his head that would be very difficult to ignore. I think, if you take into consideration how volatile he seems, his flip-flopping back and forth between how he feels about both himself and Tony could become more exaggerated and more severe, possibly leading to an irreversible breakdown of his psyche. I think there could very well be an, “Oh, I’ve become my father” moment if that were to happen, which is exactly why it doesn’t happen. Ty’s too wrapped up in this idea that, so long as he doesn’t cross that line, everything he does can still be justified. Which is garbage.

- Tiberius did not like Sunset Bain. Sunset Bain did not like Tiberius. 

There’s a lot more that comes to mind, but this is already upwards of 30 paragraphs, and I, uh. Do not want to make this longer than it already is! So, do with that what you will.

Again, obligatory note here that this is canon-adjacent and canon-inspired, but not an analysis of canon material in the sense that I’m attempting to pick apart what the intents of the writers were. What canon provides is much more straightforward. These are headcanons, this is for funsies, and a lot of less important background details have been tweaked for the sake of the narratives that I, as a fanfic writer, would like to write and see written.

Thank you so much for the ask! This was legitimately so nice to write. I rarely ever get to spam about this, which is very likely why there’s just so much text every time I receive an ask like this, but. Again, it was very nice and I’m very grateful for you, anon.

[olivieblake]

hi! sorry if this is something you already talked about, im not good at keeping up with posts, but ive seen you talk about writing sometimes and ive come to trust and appreciate your opinions so since ive been having trouble with something, ive come to you.

people always say that youll have the easiest time writing about things youve experienced/felt/seen since they're familiar, but i find myself unable to write about things i've been through well. for example, i've experienced family abuse but i don't really feel as if i can write about family abuse even though i know what it's like, or another example, i've struggled with depression but at the same time i have absolutely no idea how i would write about depression/a character experiencing depression even though i know what it feels like. even talking about happy experiences in my life, like receiving a really sweet present or falling in love, i find i can't really write about it despite the fact i've been through it/felt it.

is something wrong with me? am i the only one that's weird like this? i haven't ever seen anyone discuss this or talk about it so i'm not sure if i'm just not skilled enough or knowledgeable enough to pull it off yet or if this is something that happens more frequently, and i was wondering about your take/advice on it.

(sorry that this long, if youve already talked about this somewhere, feel free to ignore the ask, otherwise, thank you, love your blog :D)

hi anon! I don’t think it’s ever easy to write something you’ve been through that you wouldn’t also have an easy time talking about. the things you’ve brought up are traumas, not just experiences, for which a very difficult degree of acceptance would be necessary in order to turn them into art—and even with “happier” events, there are no rules saying you have to write things you’ve personally lived through. “write what you know” is an old rule compared to “know what you write,” and why should you write any particular experience if you don’t want to? if the part of creativity that brings you fulfillment or satisfaction or joy is something you’ve imagined rather than something you’ve felt, then write that. I usually say the best way to make something feel real is to root it in something you’ve actually felt, but that certainly doesn’t mean writing the experience as you experienced it. it means writing your characters’ ambition or pain or fear or love in a way that feels authentic because you have felt or witnessed it

it’s possible that the more you write—and the more you feel capable of putting your feelings into words in a way that captures something the way you’d like to—the more you may feel you want to engage with your past, or with yourself, but I think it’s very normal that the first things you’re drawn to creating aren’t that close to your personal experience. I wrote Clean and Ride or Die and all the many variants of highly unrealistic fiction multiple years before I could ever write Lethal Combination or Alone With You in the Ether or engage with my own traumas in writing; or, when I did, it was in a very distant way, like via the diaries in Modern Romance. writing means gradually accepting that despite your best efforts, despite whatever talents and skills you gain, your finished product will still never achieve perfection, and sometimes your own experiences are too big to chance suffering that familiar disappointment that things haven’t turned out quite as you planned, or they don’t feel as impactful as you lived them. but if I were you, my takeaway here would be: I’m a writer and I can write whatever I want, and for that matter, everyone else’s rules are stupid

( for future, if you’d like to check which topics I’ve already discussed, the index of all prior advice posts is here )

[littlebabycrybtch]

bro..... im sooo tired of ppl being whiny freaks about ppl liking fictional shit ‘~too much~’. like bitches are literally fully convinced if you prefer acting out certain ideas in fiction but not irl, thats not your normal preferential boundaries but rather your brain is a mental illness BOMB and you need to be fucking hospitalized for being imaginative and having autonomy. like yall if its not taboo or smth shut uuuuhp man you’re not ‘concerned for their health’ or w/e you’re fully just tryna get away with being a nihilistic asshole who lacks sympathetic reasoning skills. listen to me. fiction is valuable. the thoughts we have on it are important. the personal lack of value you happen to put on a media is next to worthless. its not a fuckin waste of time dude, creators are people, who live in the real world, they experience it and have ideas through it and about it, they form and tweak their ideas while still definitely existing in the real world, and then put that back into the world with a new angle and new perspective, to share with other people definitely encountering it in , you guessed it , the real world. thats not disconnected. its not nothing. these things do not magically appear from fairytale land, they are created. stories mean smth, people tell them for a reason, its ok to feel smth for any story, why would we even tell them if not with the intention to impact others emotionally somehow i mean??? fiction does not Just affect reality, it is valuable to real life society, it is a functioning thriving part OF reality. 

humans have told stories since the dawn of our existence. it is literally all but an inherent species trait for us to imagine things, its tied to each and every one of us, and to reject ‘fantasy’ as smth worthless to human life is frankly just fuckin wrong and weird of you. bitch we are Supposed to get outside the box, the fandom ppl you cringe your pants over arent thinking abt fake shit too much, you guys very often just arent exercising abstract thought and imagination enough, which actually hurts your ability to engage with it critically in all the ways its meant to be. if you dont see the value in fiction its because you put in no effort to form the analysis skills. in other words, you idiots dont get the hype bc you’re too stupid to get how you're supposed to compare a book to the real world it came from. ‘uu but cmon not everythings valuable what about [tumblr designated cringe media]-’ 1. ok! somehow you havent come to this conclusion yourself yet but thats not real, whatever ppl get to enjoy is not all abt you, your bias means less than dirt to others outside of hivemind social medias, you can keep it to yourself, ppl shouldnt care about it bc it means nothing outside of ur own space, its literally funny to me that you’re so elitist you want me to cater my interests to you, Your Standard Of Quality Isnt Universal, 2. ranking the values of fiction is the waste of time here, if you compare mlp to pride and prejudice ill dissect your teeth, different emotional impacts from tragic to funny to Just A Vibe are all able to be assessed as ‘valuable to somebody else so leave well enough alone’ if you dont have 2010+ funnyman brainrot disease that makes you incapable of reflecting on anything you can find a way to joke abt first.

i mean seriously like. whenever randos start engaging with medias you ppl dont like or in ways you dont get, the strawmans yall make up to get to be cringe culture vultures abt such benign shit, and almost Always at the expense of neurodivergent people with a deeply rooted undertone of extreme ableism might i add..... its just so selfish. u have a brain ok, you’re manipulative but we both know you dont Actually think ppl automatically default to being a waifu obsessed incel rotting away at their basement computer, stagnating their social skills and straying further and further from reality with each passing day, a poor disturbed wretch that you just HAVE to save from themselves, all bc they say they. prefer fictional porn or w/e to having sex irl. buddy thats not a big deal, theyre normal, just different from you. theyre fine, you’re just uncomfortable. as a functioning adult you’re gonna have to try and recognize that sometimes that feelings gonna be 100% on you, and you cant always just lie abt the validity of it to make ppl feel obligated into agreeing with you. this is gonna be one fragment of their personhood and your self obsessed brain imploding over how unrelatable that is doesnt fucking matter, grow up bitch like. how detached do you have to be to think thats so unstable or morally wrong.... its just a completely inconsequential preferential decision that only affects them and isnt a wrong choice at all cuz nobody has to get their dick wet if they dont wanna for any reason ever and thats gotta be that tbh.... and it kills me cuz they still inherently experience the real world and are capable of thinking abt it critically,,, even tho they... masturbate to drawings or w/e the fuck ppl think is unhealthy ???? like? imagination is just fun we dont need to moderate it anymore than we moderate other fun activities i mean lol ksdjfsd this is the DEFINITION of ‘just vibing’ no one FUCKING cares and it deosnt fucking matter the way you desperately try to make ppl think it does just so u get to be loud abt ur shortcomings as a decent understanding person. 

‘uuuuuu im sorry but thats unhealthy :///’ you sound like a goddamn maniac dude stories are not unhealthy having feelings abt them is not unhealthy thinking some anime bitch that was DRAWN TO BE HOT , IS HOT, is not UNHEALTHY and you clowns arent convincing anybody you ‘care’ abt that concept anyways !! im losign my mind here skdlsdfsd medias are literally DESIGNED TO DO THIS TO PEOPLE... WE’RE SUPPOSED TO FEEL THINGS FOR IT.... IT IS WHAT MAKES THE ART WE’VE TAKEN PART IN FOR CENTURIES, “ART”.... ITS JUST... HAVING IDEAS AND EXPERIENCING IMAGINATION..... whats wildly unhealthy actually is yalls toxic obsession with ‘harsh truth’ and validating your stupid ass cwinge feewings to the point where everything that gives your underdeveloped selfish ass hives has to be a matter of health and morals and whats ‘best’ for everyone. u dont know that shit!!!! ur a petty brat and im not ur mommy ok i wont baby you so u dont feel like the shitty whiny person you are, you need to grow and do better and think outside urself already, dont put the responsibility of making u feel right for judging somebodies benign hobbies on me. i wont bc its wrong and unnecessary. you’re not a savior no ones falling for that lmao you’re just a bitch girl xoxo get over it shit truly does not matter. let them write nsfw self insert fics instead of banging !! 

to make it real do yall really not Get that basic consent kinda doesnt just mean ‘no when im not in the mood at the time’ but it means ‘no if i just dont fuckin feel like having sex ever for literally any reason at all bc i choose what i do’ and pressuring them, even with what your warped brain translates as the best of intentions, is inherently disgusting? especially with the ‘i know how to help you’ attitude like......... ohhh die soonly ew lmao! lay off this nasty shit already please it doesnt matter! stop trying to make it matter!! its not hurting you or them you stupid tumblr phd ass!! and like again yeah some media shits just truly gross but tbr now its like even That kind of shit, the Real social issues caused by Actually problematic media that ppl should discuss Genuinely without ulterior motives, is being used more and more rampantly as just a stepping stone to get to the needless mockery of other harmless things in the media they want an excuse to bag on.......... like a bitch cant just be grown and talk about problems at face value without getting a bully jab in. smhhhhh you all fuckin suck please just stop talking already. so anyways yeah being attracted to fictional characters instead of real people or w/e IS funny, funny how many boyfriends they have when u have none xoxo theyre having fun and you can die sad abt it they get to die 5 times in an angsty fantasy fic and be brought back with mouth to mouth by fuckin kakashi every time and then they go get lunch irl while ur updating tinder bitch ... different fucking strokes ig !

[takerfoxx]

When trying to write a big balloon of good feelings with the EXPRESS INTENTION of bursting it... how big is too big before it's just cruel?

A very good question, and it comes down to purpose, execution, and follow-through.

Now, given my history and reputation, those sorts of situations are something of my forte, and I’ve had a lot of experience and trial and error to work things out, so here’s how you get maximum impact out of your dark, cruel plot-twists.

First, ask yourself why are you doing this? Is it purely for shock value, or does it serve some greater purpose for the plot and characters? If it’s the second, then go ahead and skip to the next section. If it’s the first, then go ahead and put that idea back in the oven because it’s totally not ready yet.

Look, as a writer, I get the appeal of shock value. Shock value got Imperfect Metamorphosis on the map. Shock value is in my blood. But if all you have is that shock and nothing else, then it’s shock value for shock value’s sake, which is just shallow and useless. You want to shock and disturb, yes, but you also want your audience to keep going to find out what happens next! Dangle that emotional catharsis in front of them! Give them some measure of hope that this is leading somewhere satisfying! Even stories like Chinatown and The Mist, which ended with the protagonists losing in horrible ways despite all their efforts, still felt like they were saying something bigger about the human existence and didn’t feel like they were cheating the audience.

For example: Marisa’s death in IM. I’ll freely admit, the idea first occurred to me and became part of the plan for the shock value, a way to throw down the gauntlet and show that no one is safe. But since the idea came to me early in IM’s run, I had literal years to refine the idea, build towards it, and map out how the fallout would go down, so that by the time it came around, it had turned into an essential part of the plot, from which the rest of the story would lead.

See, here’s the thing you need to understand about dark plot twists: they follow the same rule as edgy humor that breaks societal taboo. And that is this: the twist is not the payoff; the twist is the set-up. Think of the difference of between a rookie “comedian” who thinks that saying shocking things that you’re not supposed to say constitutes as “funny” and those who are offended just don’t have a sense of humor, and a genuine master like George Carlin, who used edge subject matter and taboo breaking not as the punchline, but as the set-up to the bigger joke and thus earn the big laughs when he managed to land the punchline and say something bigger about the topic at hand. It’s a wire act without a net, something that is spectacular if you can pull it off and lead to something greater, but will end in disaster if you don’t know what you’re doing.

Now, let’s move onto the next part: execution. Here you have to be careful, because while it’s perfectly acceptable (and in fact encouraged) to break the rules and conventions of the story’s genre, you still have to ensure that it’s keeping with your story’s internal consistency and rules, and that it makes sense! You want such-and-such a character to betray their friends and turn bad guy? Okay, but it has to make sense and be consistent with their backstory and motivations. You want to pull the rug out from under the heroes and ruin everything they had been working toward? Okay, but it has to be consistent with the rules that you had set up.

I’ll give you a few examples. Now, Game of Thrones might be in the doghouse due the dumpsterfire of a final season, but there was a time when it was upheld as the gold standard of dark plot twists, with the two big examples being Ned Stark’s execution and the Red Wedding. The reason why those moments were so shocking and effective wasn’t because they came out of nowhere, but because they broke the conventional rules of storytelling. OF COURSE the main character would survive! They even gave him an out by having him sentence to the Wall where his bastard son was, where they would no doubt reunite and plan their next steps! Ned’s the hero, after all! Except no, this isn’t that kind of story, Joffrey is still a sociopathic narcissist, doing what sociopathic narcissists do.

And the Red Wedding? OF COURSE it would work! Walder Frey had accepted the compromise, and we’ve put a lot of time and investment in Rob and Cate and their retainers. Rob was practically the new main character, and the driving force against the Lannisters. What was more, he was winning, and he was going to keep winning, even with his one or two slip-ups...except no, he wasn’t, because he had been warned about Walder Frey’s easily bruised ego, he had broken his word, so there was going to be consequences when the Frey’s cut a deal with the Lannisters, so welcome to Medieval-style skullduggery!

Hell, you can have some real fun with this too! And if I may toot my own horn, let’s look at the most recent dark twist from IM: the return of the Shadow Youkai.

Now, I know what my reputation is, and what people expect from me. As such, I can use those expectations to play a sort of follow-the-cup game with the plot. Everyone knew that the Shadow Youkai wasn’t gone for good; the epilogue of Fires of the Sun pretty much showed that. But no one knew when she’d be back, and that let’s me play with expectations a bit.

So I put together a big beach trip, where Rin takes all of her friends, new and old, out into public. And since this is Rin’s story, everyone expects it to go wrong. She expects it to go wrong. Because things always go wrong for Rin!

Sure enough, here comes Hong Meiling and Koakuma, two people with reasons to ruin Rin’s life! Surely they’ll catch and bust her! In fact, it turns out that Koakuma is Elis’s cousin, so surely that would mean she would...except no, they have a short chat, Koakuma doesn’t expose them, and they all go their separate ways. Nothing happens.

Oh shit, here comes Reimu! Not only does she know Rin, she also knows everyone in Team Nineball, and has fought most of the other girls as well! This isn’t good, how will Rin wriggle out of this (no pun intended)...except she doesn’t need to. Reimu and Rin’s various friends walk right past each other over and over without noticing, she chitchats with Hong Meiling and Koakuma for a bit, and then she’s called away to the next chapter’s plot. Rin never even so much as realizes that Reimu was there. Nothing happens.

But wait! Flandre is still a problem, and Seija’s still loose out there! And there she is, taking advantage of Rin’s absence to trigger Flandre’s madness! Surely THIS is the big disaster that’ll...except no, Kogasa quickly gets Seija to piss off and Wriggle coaxes Flandre back to sleep. Nothing happens.

Wait, the beach party was...a success? Nothing bad happened? Everyone had fun and made friends like they were supposed to? And it ends with Rin actually saving a stranger’s life and getting praised for it? Which story was I reading again?

Oh hey, there’s Minoriko, someone who hasn’t been seen a long time, and she says that Hina successfully devoured the Shadow Youkai’s essence, so there’s nothing to worry about. Well, that’s a relief! Strange though that a little curse goddess could handle something of the Shadow Youkai’s caliber, seeing how Sariel already mentioned how unsafe it is to use anything other than the original sword to do so, and how Rhapsody of Subconscious Desire already established that the Shadow Youkai is capable of taking over a secondary host, provided that she had access to their subconscious, and-

Click.

Boom.

So if you’re going to do it, make sure you set up believable reasons why it would happen in advance, even if the audience doesn’t notice them at first. Otherwise, you get Vince Russo’s booking of late-90′s WCW, where everyone was switching allegiances on a dime left and right just for the sake of having a SHOCKING SWERVE! Remember: it’s a highwire act without a net. Know what you’re doing.

Also, for the love of God, if you’re going to have a bad guy do a really bad, shocking thing in one part of the story but later join the good guys later on, don’t just sweep said bad thing under the rug. If Cain the Bloodspiller butchers little Timmy in book one but becomes Cammy the Bloodsaver in book five, then don’t let little Timmy be forgotten. Make sure that there’s still consequences.

And finally, the follow-through. Justify this shocking twist. Have it mean something. Take your time to explore the consequences. Show how it affects the characters. Dig deep into their psyches and make it feel real. The reason people STILL talk about Aeris’s death in Final Fantasy 7 is that the gameplay itself was designed to make you feel her loss, both from the viewpoint of the characters and you, the player.

One of my favorite dark twists is Mami’s death in PMMM, because it follows all of these conditions and does so spectacularly. It sets up how dangerous fighting witches is and explains that someone could really die while doing it, while tricking us into not expecting that to happen by already showing us how Mami kicks ass and establishing her as a main character with a promise to form a lasting bond with Madoka right before pulling the trigger. And afterward, it takes the time to really dig into the consequences of her death, from Madoka’s depression to Sayaka’s increased recklessness to being the catalyst that brought Kyoko into the story in the first place. Everything that happens after does so as a result of that moment.

So yeah, by all means, do that shocking thing, but make sure you put in the work to both earn and justify it.

[its-jijii]

chuuya’s masculinity

i was talking to hannah and thinking about the whole chuuya feminine/masculine debate and decided its time to write an essay on this. i have been waiting for the opportunity. and now my thoughts are gathered, so prepare for a mildly frustrated tangent abt the portrayal of chuuya in canon and in fan-made things.

i think that there are a lot of factors in play that influence how people see chuuya, the main one being canon content of course. in the manga, i do not get the vibe that he is feminine or weak in any way; in fact, he’s very aggressive and his stance indicates that he does not intend to be viewed as less. i will agree that the anime portrays him as more feminine: he has a higher pitched voice, and he is short. 

my problem with this is both the people who take that as being feminine, and the people who try to say chuuya is not feminine or weak. i don’t enjoy seeing chuuya in dresses not because i view it as feminine and therefore weak- rather, the circumstances of the source that makes me dislike it. for instance, primarily when he is drawn in dresses, he is clearly annoyed and doesn’t like it. i believe that to be because despite his “feminine” body type, his personality is very masculine. the way he acts and speaks does not imply that he is weak or feminine in any way.

my thought process isn’t dress = feminine = weak, so chuuya in a dress = weak, but in contrast, he is doing nothing about it. he is out of his comfort zone and obviously doesn’t enjoy it, yet he always seems compliant in wearing a dress. all of that is also usually for dazai’s entertainment, in some way. same thing when i see scenarios of them on an undercover mission together. one always dresses up like a girl, and that is usually chuuya. that is still because people equate his height and body type with girls, which makes sense to a certain degree, but one i still disagree with.

chuuya’s body type has almost nothing to do with being feminine, in my opinion. subconsciously people equate his height with femininity, which is not really the case. i don’t think they are necessarily equating his body with that of a girls and determining its weak. rather, they likely look at his height and body build and think “that’s weak.” that has no direct relation to being feminine, nor is it true. i think everyone knows he is far from weak, he is just never portrayed in the way he should be: masculine and dominant. 

his body type being feminine does not change the fact that he is strong and fit; his outfit doesn’t exactly show that off, so his features can be dumbed-down to long hair, cute face, and curves. this is completely disregarding his personality and actions, which annoys me considerably. in people there are often traits that are tied together- outgoing and dominant, quiet and submissive- and there are actions that tie into those categories, too. people on the quiet and introverted side tend to curl up and take up as little space as possible. extroverts assume a position that takes up more space (called power posing) 

“power posing” is a stance that indicates that the person is comfortable and confident. many times i have noted that despite chuuya being small, he does tend to stand in ways that take up more space. just from his body language, you can tell that he feels strong and in control. the art and scenarios of him unhappily sitting in a dress for someone else’s entertainment, but doing nothing to get out of the dress? that shows he is yielding to someone else, which is incredibly unlike him.

more chuuya in high power pose positions here lol

the reason i believe a lot of people think of chuuya as feminine ties into how he was introduced and how dazai treats him. upon his introduction in the dungeon, he is shown as a powerful and confident character. to me it seems that the first impression he made, which was asserting dominance and strength over dazai, was erased somewhere along the way. well, dazai happened to plot things out in advance, and later felt like he had the upper hand on chuuya. so despite chuuya’s strength and intentions, in the end he was rendered powerless by dazai. and to finish that off, he ended up pretending like he was a very feminine girl for dazai’s amusement.

his initially strong introduction was overwritten by the funny scene where chuuya acted like a girl. chuuya continues being masculine and dominant throughout the series, but oh so often is ending up following what dazai wants, or used as the object of dazai’s jokes. in the end, that rubs off on people so they think of him as less than dazai. his voice actor and the way he is animated likely ties in the thoughts of him being feminine, and when combined, people tend to think of him as either feminine, weak, or both.

it seems that no matter how this argument is presented, i find fault with it. even when people state that femininity =/= weakness, i feel that they are not presenting it right at all. i understand where they are coming from, but from my standpoint it isn’t as in depth as it should be (which i guess is why i’m writing this lol). maybe im overthinking things i accidentally analyze stuff and feel disappointed when people post unpopular opinions with nothing to back it up 😭

lastly, slight nsfw warning? (discussing top bottom stuff nothing explicit)

the entire top/bottom debate regarding soukoku also exhausts me. i believe chuuya to be a top, but again not because i equate being a bottom with being weak or submissive. power bottoms are a thing. however, i do acknowledge that there is a power difference between tops and bottoms- tops have considerably more control over the situation than bottoms do. and that is where i believe people have misconceived notions of whether he is a top or a bottom. on some level they do associate him with being a bottom, likely due to his size and believed inferiority to dazai. as dazai always seems to be ahead of chuuya, isn’t it only natural that dazai would be in control and would top?

w r o n g you can’t convince me dazai isn’t a lazy bottom, at best a switch. he does not seem like he would enjoy putting forth the required effort for topping. additionally, dazai himself isn’t exactly dominant or controlling. often he is relied on and respected, yes, but he only really tries to dominate and control chuuya as a way to harass him. chuuya on the other hand is outwardly dominant and likes being in control of a situation- and above all, hates doing what dazai wants. so even if chuuya was ever to bottom, no way in hell would i believe that he’d do it with dazai. he would not want to surrender control to him unless absolutely necessary.

additionally, i guess i just see chuuya as an active person. bottoms don’t seem to really do much,, they are on the receiving end of it all, so they often aren’t controlling the situation or moving around. it is hard for me to imagine chuuya to be the type to sit around and take something like that. it is much more reasonable to me to believe that he would rather be the one in control, and the one actually moving and doing things. if talking in the terms of soukoku, that seems doubled in my eyes. chuuya is far more physically capable than dazai, and likely has better stamina too. dazai would be one lousy top lol

thank u for reading! ive always thought about this, as there was a lot of art and fanfics that were the opposite of the impression i got from chuuya. to me, chuuya has always radiated big dick energy, top/dominant vibes, etc. i love chuuya and its not really a big surprise to me that my first post/analysis regarding him is talking about his masculinity haha. it’s always been a hot topic for me to think about and talk to my friends about.

i apologize for the lack of posting & original content rn ;; still con crunching for ota this weekend, and then i will be at the beach for a week. so i’ll probably just be reblogging art nd stuff when i can. hopefully ill get back to writing and posting normally after im not ultra mega busy. edit: forgot to say earlier but thank u for 200 followers! didn’t really expect anyone to care for my content but it means a lot to me

[unproduciblesmackdown]

here’s the matter of fact text post re: i guess i achieved the goal of an intermittent thing i’d do where i’d try to find anyone online talking about the ‘weird’ experience i have with masturbation which is, inherently, not exciting or anything but it’s like, even if i just Know of course it’s not just me, i want to like, hear someone else talk about anything similar ever, b/c so far it’s just a text post i saw once and can’t ever rediscover and someone talking about their experience that stems from an inapplicable physical trauma so....Yay, seeing as it’s been years i’ve been like “seriously though” lmao  

i was like Lol @ myself b/c i was like “man after i try for like 30 sec to crank it it a) doesn’t go anywhere hardly and b) i lose interest Way fast and it’s like mildly annoying” and so i thought about that post that’s like [me after sex: well that was a waste of my goddamn time. anyway back to speedrunning] but that’s me after a halfhearted attempt to masturbate and not really getting anything out of it anyways lmaoo like. it’s okay or i wouldn’t even bother fairly regularly but also it tends to end with like, me going off on a distracted tangent for even a moment and it can just hit an absolute brick wall like okay i don’t even have the Interest in continuing with this anymore like i might’ve had before starting like Well That Was A Waste Of My Goddamn Time Anyway Back To [whatever it is that i do]

and then like either that same night or the next my dreams had the audacity to get deeply uncomfortable for no reason like. all i do is have Anxiety Dream Themes thrown together where like. for example as i write this, two nights ago i had a dream segment about “i’m on vacation at the beach” but it was all Anxiety b/c it’ll all be about how i can hardly visit said beach coz i keep getting sidetracked at the hotel or w/e while i’m Trying to visit it while i still can, and last night i had the same Theme but trying and failing to ride roller coasters (which i Enjoy irl) and like, the beach one in particular recurs not Too infrequently lmao where i’m surprised by the rarity of something like “you’re at the beach and it’s fun” lol.......i don’t have anything i’d call a nightmare too often but Anxiety / a somewhat threatening/worrisome situation is like, fairly constant lol, with some occasionally more neutral stuff and a really rare Fun Dream but anyways it was still Bizarre that my dreams pitched me “you’re Someone who i guess is dating this abstract Partner and the scenario is you feel obligated to have sex with them” and it was weird like, woke up the next day like “why did my brain drag me through this deeply unpleasant dream situation” like. not totally unheard of for my dreams to touch on a Scene ft. sex and/or physical intimacy and even on occasion it’ll be an “i’m (or whoever i am as a maybe semi-abstract First Person camera character lol maybe ft. some particular concept attached to the ‘role’) having some sexual encounter and it’s Fine or enjoyable” but it’s generally fleeting As Per Usual Dream Structure and it’s like why was this one that sucked like, particularly dragged out by those usual dream standard’s, come on

anyways so going “haha i’m living the Waste Of My Goddamn Time thing” and “well thank you to my own brain for a bizarre and unpleasant experience while i’m just trying to be passed tf out” i was like “let’s look up again why not only can i not seem to orgasm but also like even expecting a way lower level of stimulation still Disappoints sometime like why do i bother” and yeah after first going the “does anyone Never manage to Not slam into a brick wall / basically completely lose interest all at once or practically all at once even and it all goes back to zero even if you started at like maybe a 1 or 1.5 and sometimes it happens with going down a random mental track” route i interestingly got some cis guys going “yeah hate when that happens on occasion” but yeah by now i had of course given up on “can i come at this from an [experiencing sensory input and processing from an autistic angle] angle” like. idk still interested in that of course lmao but god is searching for it a bit exhausting. but yeah after i threw in an [-erectile] search modifier i got was like oh a result on a site about asexuality re: masturbation, why didn’t i think of That angle. idk but here we are

informative stuff but the comments section where people who wanted to read an [about: masturbation] on a site About asexuality were talking about their experiences was like. i had mentioned how it was Enlightening that one person said I Do Not Enjoy Orgasms lol like i have not really heard that angle vs “you might not enjoy sexual stimulation” and/or “you might not be able to orgasm” but not you Can orgasm but you Might Not Even Like It Really like. the person said yes they got the Peak Of Intense Pleasure out of the orgasm but not so much any kind of afterglow and felt like they get dropped back to where they were before even trying to masturbate (aka. square zero again lol) and just yeah outright mentioned Not Enjoying it and another person replied like Yep it’s like that for me too.........already i’m like man i don’t even approach anywhere near an orgasm Ever but man would not be surprised if, even if i theoretically was capable of the physical experience, it would be the same as this way lower level Waste Of My Goddamn Time deal lol.......it’s Hilarious too that like. say “being at all in the mood to try to spank it” is a Square/Level 1, i feel like yeah most of the time i’m only getting this shit going to a 1.5, maybe a 2 or 2.5 if we’re on fire......very very very rarely have i been like “hey that was like, a 3 or some shit, damn” and honestly it’s not like oh so that ruled and is motivation to continue b/c like. the Surprise of it throws me off and it’s not necessarily that Great a surprise, more just like, jeez, idk, it feels like A Bit Much that basically registers as Tension where i’m hardly encouraged to keep it up like, makes me wonder if that’s a Sensory Processing Thing aka how sometimes i try to get any more in depth info on the logistics of Experiencing Sexual Stimulation re: also being autistic and the variety of ways that can unfold (i do know that like. the Sensory thing apparently can sure be a factor in either direction, i.e. might cause some ppl to really not enjoy sexual stimulation Or to like, super enjoy it. allistic ppl who might realize “thinking sex is awesome” is “”normal,”” brilliant.....like u didnt also “realize” that stims like fidget cubes and weighted blankets can be enjoyed “”normally”” like. still having a diff experience here and shut it) and i remember one time i was like “c’est la vie i will purchase a vibrator (and i got a second, external one as some deal going on)” and it was just a No Go b/c. it didn’t feel “bad” in that it was not necessarily like, yep here’s some sexual stimulation, but it was like, overwhelming in a Not Good way, yet also not physically painful, and i realize vibrators are made w/ different intensities and i definitely got Mildest ones so it wasn’t that

anyways like yeah #tbt to a time i really gave it a go (vibrator-less) for truly just short of two solid hours......plenty of that was me at Square Zero and getting back to level 1 alone (aka like. feeling Any positive response at all lmao) was kind of an achievement and maybe there was some 1.5 or 2 in there but it wasn’t like i felt that motivated and Just Keeping At It was not necessarily helping so. that was a waste of my goddamn time

can’t really remember what i was doing differently the last time i kicked things up to maybe a solid 2-3 Zone for truly like One Moment lol.....think i was just getting a little more hands on (since usually a spike in intensity makes me go “[?? / !!] whoa :/” and i lose Any momentum and/or “progress”) and that spike in intensity made me go [?? / !!] Whoa :/ and it didn’t matter, just got back to zero as always, and it’s not like these “Achievements” are “Enlightening” where i’m then like wow everyone’s right, really Trying with this shit pays off like lol. i still make a cursory effort but really just to burn off that Level 1-ness if anything like. kinda like “yeah neat here we go” but like. probably literally a minute or two later it’s like well Anyways.......another fun detail is that it’s not Always like “oh i got off on some mental sidetrack and losing focus = losing like All of even this low level of arousal and im back at zero” like, i might be in the middle of things and Lose Interest even while i’m currently experiencing a nonzero level of “yep this is some sexual stimulation” lol but it’s just like smh Whatever @ it......like, on the one hand the Tension of the stimulation gets in its own way, but if i entirely lose that then it’s like well okay this isn’t gonna go anywhere, may as well stop

so anyhow here’s the Particular Comment where i was like “wow this is so similar to #me that i guess i’ve finally found Someone Talking About It* (*however it goes for me)”

i can’t say i’ve done the Holding My Breath thing on Purpose but now sometimes i do notice i do it (and have probably Been doing it) lol like oh there i went and Exhaled in a [was holding my breath] way lol coz like they say there with the Loss Of Any Tension and the Square Zero (Not Even Square One) thing like yeah lmao. and very same with the Five Minutes Max thing b/c yeah it really can be even less than One Minute sometimes before it’s like yeah square zero or just i lose enough interest anyways, getting bored like they say, ugh like it’s a brief description obviously lmao but i’m like god well there it is i guess, the [i know it’s not Just Me experiencing this like this but i’d still fucking like to find anyone else actually talking about it] account For Once Finally, thanks for putting it out there, Disappointed and a lil bored

naturally there are also ppl in the comments talking about how masturbation is an enjoyable thing for them and particular tips there but like it is Hilarious to me how a) some people orgasm easily or like. orgasm if they put effort into masturbation lmaooo like fucking imagine. and b) idk it’s like well i’m sure i’ve made hundreds of attempts and not even any Near Misses, it is simply like, not happening and c) yet at the same time Like This Commenter it’s like “well is there just another way of doing it i somehow haven’t hit on” like naturally i have to wonder like well idk maybe it’d be diff with a sexual partner b/c yknow, the same stimulation from Someone Else vs Yourself, and yet d) ha ha of course i haven’t had sex which people Don’t think of as Not A Joke lmao i referred to this fact abt myself with some casual humor to someone and my temper flared up when that was later taken as a Cue for someone who is not me to jokingly reference it (by Temper Flaring i mean i got annoyed enough to go Do Not Do That e.g. the post that’s like “[asserts one boundary] i’m not a people pleaser anymore i’m actually a huge cunt now”) and i probably shouldn’t feel like i have to “justify” this as well somehow other people have probably tried to Make A Move re: me but i have not been into it like well, what if nobody had ever been Interested that i knew of, that would be fine too, but. i am aware that ppl think of this as a joke still lmao, and i have to say that. im already doing letters like a) b) c) aren’t i but whatever, starting over a) well i haven’t had All the opportunity in the world as i have at various points (but basically continuously) for various reasons been pretty isolated and b) idk i have not had all these signs that point to me wanting to have sex with people exactly lmao but it’s like, c) even if i go “well maybe there’s Exceptions out there or Situations That Will Be Conducively Different Than The Limited Range Of Ones I’ve Had So Far” it’s like, okay, i could still just continue to feel “nah :/” re: any “opportunity” that ever presents itself or whatever. it is all very abstract for me anyways, so it’s like, whatever. but i’m also not the most Glad to discuss it b/c idk a lot of this stuff i know is like A Joke including how i’m still simmering with resentment from a year ago or more over some Tweet i saw trying to dunk a meme about how asexuals are Anti-Psychology like, that’s an entire Other Essay there but needless to say for one thing i just pre-resent people hearing “could being autistic factor into the particular experience i have losing interest / arousal so easily (and inevitably as it’s big time primary anorgasmia around here)” and going “aha that makes sense b/c being ace means there’s something Dysfunctional going on cuz Lbr and bieng autistic means being a Fucked Up version of an allistic person and your autistacity is going to fuck up things about you which ought to function properly” like well that feeds right into itself in a loop and i hate it. and i know the whole “hehe someone who hasn’t had sex is a loser” thing is way engrained in there lmao ppl throw that punchline out all the time and like, idk, see the (i’m autistic) thing like it’s not like this is an unprecedented concept or the only front on which im like “i Know this is a thing ppl negatively judge in general but i also Know i do not buy into that or feel bad about it” like i do not personally consider myself cringe and fail for not having had sex ever and do not consider that Premise that someone is a joke for it to be true re: anyone but at the same time i know that this whole Awareness that people are shitty about it is frustrating to me lol. plus i think it is getting into the Entire Thing where concepts as broad as Maturity and Humanity At Its Most Complex And Worthwhile are considered intrinsically linked to romance and sex, which is something that i am somewhat self-conscious of being aromantic and [having never had sex and it could well be that i will not ever have sex even if The Opportunity(tm) is there] and i know it is frustrating to me b/c sometimes when i start to even talk about “i have not had sex yes im aware this is like (spit take) what a nerd, Sure” b/c i will easily cry out of frustration like 5 seconds in lol. which i cry easily enough but Usually getting teared up b/c i feel Hyped Up / Enthusiasm for something lmfao.......anyways plenty of tangents to go down here but my point is shoutout to the other person for also never orgasming and just being bored with masturbation if anything

and also to the people who were like “i can have / have had orgasms but i don’t actually enjoy it” like considering the way that [not like i experience anything even close to an orgasm but there is sometimes An Increase in arousal achieved, either a tiny raise in the Level or on occasion a bit of a kick which is mostly like “whoa tf chill out”] is overall Underwhelming even if there is Any enjoyment in it and the whole Back To Square Zero (Not Even Square One) thing re: the entire lack of afterglow they mention and it’s like well that kinda feels like parallel experiences here lmao. which tbh is like. makes me care even less with like Humorous Annoyance at the fact that ppl are out here simply able to have orgasms and to have access to that just by like yep here i go masturbating lmaooo like okay

anyways idk how to Conclude this lmfao. Fun Fact i have hc’s about how winston billions who is autistic experiences sexual stimulation (he gets the Really Enjoys It kind of sensory processing time here lol) but i suppose the easiest simplest one to explain is the “remember the Tayston Crying Sex drawing, the idea is that things can be kinda overwhelming while still being Good if it’s handled right by his partner (or himself ig lol) and he can tear up as sort of an overflow thing” like well you probably already knew that was connected to the broader whole of Winston Billions Autistic Hc’s but in case you didn’t: it is

[fairycosmos]

does being good at math mean you are smart? sometimes i think im smart because of that but other times i think i am a complete moron. I don’t know what to believe. I cannot trust my own mind. how is what i think valid or credible in any shape or form. this just gives me so much anxiety, that i cannot even trust that my own thoughts are objective enough, i just have to accept that they are even when i know i will never be certain of the truth. what is your take on this?

hey bro i think……there are a million different ways to be smart, for real. and i know we’re raised in an educational system that has ruined learning by imposing grades and inducing anxiety to stress young ppl into producing the ‘results’ they need, but i’d suggest trying to take a step back from those toxic/unnecessary  ideas when possible….. being good at maths is great, as it shows a strong capability to problem solve and compartmentalize. but it’d be ok if you weren’t. it wouldn’t mean anything about who you are. look, there’s emotional intelligence, creative intelligence, existential intelligence, interpersonal intelligence…..and so much more beyond that. to me, this sounds like an issue with your confidence and your self perception more than anything else. it seems like you don’t think you deserve to be listened to unless you’re 100% right about everything, which isn’t possible for anyone. like i said before, this anxiety is ingrained into us from a young age, but i think it’d be more effective to try and tackle that, rather than trying not to fuck up 24/7 and berating yourself when you do :( because that just leads to a cycle of self hatred and emotional turmoil. you really deserve better than that, dont you think? ik this is a stressful idea, but i’d really recommend talking to a counselor or a professional about this if it’s having an impact on your mental well being.  maybe someone at school, or your doctor/parents could refer you to a service in your community? you need to learn how to let yourself be, how to identify self hating thoughts that are only there because you’ve been taught for so long that these are the standards you must meet. once you start challenging them, and implementing healthy coping mechanisms to deal with the anxiety when you feel like you’ve made a mistake, then you’ll notice a massive difference…..just takes time and concentrated effort. i get that it’s a lot to think about, but please dont write it off completely. it’s alright to talk about this sort of thing, and biting the bullet and going for it is the scariest part. you’re not alone. look, you’re a human, so of course you’re going to act like one. i think most ppl have moments where they think they’re the dumbest person on the planet, especially when we’re young. it’s humbling, it’s how we grow and learn right from wrong. if you thought you were smart all the time, your ignorance would probably prevent you from actually being so. if you think you’re dumb all the time, your sensitivity and inaccurate self judgement is probably warping your reality a little. the majority fall somewhere in the middle, in my experience. also, sure there’s an objective truth, but it will always be slightly marred by your own perception when it comes to your own life, it’s like that for everyone. we don’t all register things in an identical manner, even if we’re looking at the same thing. and that doesn’t mean anyones an idiot, it’s a matter of our individual brains working uniquely as they should. honestly seems like reality is a lot less defined than we’re led to believe. so it’s a GOOD thing to question what you think you know bc that means you’re open to learning more and changing your view point as you gather new info, which is to me a sign that you’re hungry for knowledge. you dont have to be certain of anything, really. you just have to try your best. if you fall flat on your face, you will survive it. you will get up knowing better. but anyway above all, i think it’s important to know that your existence and worth as human being truly doesn’t hinge on whether or not you can prove yourself through being the smartest person in the room. i understand striving for a certain academic caliber, and to an extent it’s not an unhealthy goal, but imo it’s better to prioritize being the best type of person you can be. there are likely so many wonderful attributes about yourself that you don’t even see because you’re so stressed abt what you’re bringing to the table on an intellectual level. but the ppl that love you and the ppl that will love you in the future don’t see that alone when they look at you, you know? goddd this got long sorry, but i understand being insecure abt this sort of issue. it occupies a lot of my mind, too. and i’m shit at maths lmfao! but yeah dude, you’re not what you think you are and you don’t have to be so afraid. it may take months or years to really learn or internalize that, and that’s alright. getting to a place where you’re comfortable in your own skin is a long process for most. but you’re on the right path if you’re trying every day to be a bit more gentle with yourself, even when you feel dumb. if you want to talk more abt this i’ll be here, but until then please take care and feel free to put down this weight you’re carrying, even just sometimes, even just to rest.

[purgatoryandme]

Im in love with your Cell Block Tango storyline ( and your worldbuilding, storyline, characterization and the sheer amount of effort you've put into this ) and I wanted to ask what exactly the serum does to Steve's Alpha-ness? Also since Nat is especially chemically castrated won't it affect her effectiveness as a seductress and assassin? (No pressure to answer, I love everything you write tho)

It doesn’t actually change Steve’s Alphaness at all. I made so many mistakes by making all my central characters deviate from the norm of the system I established, but uh, yeah, Steve is another illustration about how regulated “Assignment” and Lineage testing is garbage.  As a kid, having so many respiratory illnesses seriously damaged Steve’s ability to smell and stunted his growth. Because of that, he isn’t particularly responsive to the signals of other people / has trouble connecting with them as a kid and isn’t as capable of engaging in Alpha-typical behaviours, leading him to be classified as a Weak Alpha. His impact factor, re: ability to influence others (particularly with fight-y feelings), is really REALLY strong (re: Bucky calling him a little Alpha with a big voice) and should’ve made it clear that he’s a Strong Alpha, but pack-mentality in the States lead most of their testing to be directed by an individual’s responses to others.  Steve pretty obviously displays Alpha instincts, tendencies, and leadership around Bucky in Blueprint Specials and as a baby with Sarah. He’s responsive to their cues and is especially interested (obsessed) in winning over (and dominating) the most Alpha kid around. He gets caught up easily in fights and is really physically expressive and unreserved in his reactions. Some of his instincts are a bit warped by how little he’s gotten to socialize positively (and the fact that the socialization he DID receive is from Bucky ‘is kinda weird’ Barnes) and Sarah moving away from her Pack, leaving him with no real outline of how Pack works. He just...doesn’t get it really? So he gets overly attached to Bucky and his mom and nobody else, though there is evidence of him forming fleeting attachments. The serum repairs the damage done to Steve’s body and, through that, gives him a greater ability to regulate the pheromones he’s pumping out (since he can finally SMELL himself and what he does to other people) and to respond to others. It turns him into a bit of an awkward battle of instinct vs personality. He’s way more responsive than he wants to be, his brain always a step behind (because his brain doesn’t care about strangers in the deeply personal way his instinct does - especially when it comes to Omegas), but he compensates for it pretty decently due to his inherent desire to help people despite personal feelings. It’s only obvious that he’s having difficulties when you spend a lot of time with him, as the Howlies will pick up on later when he changes their entire dynamic. The scientists who developed the serum advertise him as having increased in Lineage Strength when nothing of the sort has happened, because that’s what they believe. There’s a reason he was Bucky’s Prime from the very beginning. 

As for Nat, the chemical reassignment (or unassignment) of the Red Room girls makes them appear as Betas at first glance. They move like Betas, read the room like Betas, and don’t spend a lot of time with their targets - the Red Room gets you over time, making you THINK you’ve spent time with the girls when every conversation has been fleeting, they’re always just out of reach, and they never EVER scent you. It takes awhile for their blankness to become eerie, even up close, since they were essentially halted pheromonally at puberty. They’re almost like children in that they give off weak signals that aren’t very distinct - most of the other characters would describe them as “clean” or, in more sinister cases, “scrubbed”. Really Strong Lineages might pick up on the weirdness in them immediately, but it’ll read to them instinctually as “child” first before it becomes creepy, which can be worked to the Red Room’s advantage. Essentially, seduction missions are still possible, but they are distinctly not the main thing these girls engage in. Their relative lack of scent makes them ideal spies and information gatherers, as well as fighters, and that’s what they are used for. IMHO it always felt dumb in Black Widow to have the girls chemically castrated so they couldn’t have children or “get attached” - it made more sense from a prevention of pregnancy standpoint with honeypots, but even MORE sense in the prevention of periods of anything that might “impede” a mission and as an effort to strip away individuality. 

[smalltragedy]

* justice smith, demi man + he/they | you know gabriel de leon, right? they’re twenty three, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, six years? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to 1984 (infinite jest) by the used like, a million times this year, which makes sense ‘cause they’ve got that whole waking up in a body as heavy as the dead, emotions always on the verge of spilling over - you laugh before the punch lands, the belief that every encounter you have will be the last thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is october 31st, so they’re a scorpio, which is unsurprising, all things considered. ( james, 21, est, they/them ) 

hllo this is my second child i think theyre p grand n i love them a lot. as always pls like if u’d like to plot i’d lov to interact with everybody

VIOLENCE TW

mini playlist.

ghosting ;; mother mother / roam the room ;; citizen / art of doubt ;; metric / thnks fr th mmrs ;; fall out boy / heart in a cage ;; the strokes / where is my mind? ;; the pixies / flowers grow out of my grave ;; dead man’s bones / 1984 (infinite jest) ;; the used / blister in the sun ;; the violent femmes.

statistics.

full name: gabriel de leon.

nickname(s): gabe.

birthday: october 31st, 1997.

zodiac: scorpio sun, scorpio moon, gemini ascending.

mbti & temperament: esfp & improvisor / sanguine.

label: the icarian.

hometown: belleville, new jersey.

sexuality: homosexual.

pinterest.

biography.

it’s only rly ever been gabe n his mom n the little new jersey suburbs that r always the same no matter where they go. they dn’t speak abt fathers or brothers or spain or anywhere other than the now, and how its constantly changing bt oddly the same.

his mom’s name is sonia n we love her. she worked a lot as a single mom n p much hs done everything on her own ever since leaving spain.

they dn’t talk abt spain bt we cn talk abt spain n hw sonia hd grown up partially there n partially in the states n hw she’d originally planned to live there forever bt the man she’d fallen in love with ws involved in some. high class dangerous shit n it ws safer fr them to part even if tht involved leaving everything she knew n loved <3

bt its like. ok. bc she hd gabe <3 n they dnt talk abt it so it practically nvr happened. n she tries her best as a mom n usually tht is enough.

they moved around a lot just bc sonia is a very. flighty person. anxious bt nvr seems tht way is just always. tense. gabe didnt think she ws capable of relaxing fr. a rly long time.

she wld commute 2 nyc every morning n after school gabe wld climb onto the train n by the time he got 2 her place of work she’d be just getting off n they’d get a slice of pizza n sometimes they’d go somewhere like central park or coney island (just fr the novelty) bt most of the time they just got back on the train home w/ gabe either doing homework or napping on her shoulder.

when gabe got a little older he’d sometimes skip school n take the train after sonia had already gone so he cld spend the day in nyc. he liked learning bt didnt rly like school. he nvr properly fit in bc of the amt of times they’d move so it felt like nowhere ws. right fr him.

got rly involved in. the punk scene as a young unsupervised teenager n tht led 2 a lot of like. shitty stick n pokes bt also a love of. very loud angry music n a sense of justice tht he held tightly in his fists. got mouthy towards bullies whether at school or in the scenes he involved himself in n started getting into a lot of fights bc of it.

during this, sonia ended up dating n marrying gabe’s stepdad who he calls craig sometimes bt i dnt think thats his name i wont lie to u guys. its partially a joke n partially purposeful disrespect bc gabriel does not trust a single man bt like. man. ‘craig’ is just an accountant. he’s fine he’s a good dude. they once bonded over like. the mets.

violence tw // anyways. when gabriel ws 16 he got into a super super bad fight tht ended rly. terribly n like listen. nobody died bt it ws just. it got blown up very out of proportion n gabe might’ve gotten expelled even tho he wsnt even the one who started it bt thts okay. ‘craig’, or paul, suggested tht maybe. a change of scenery wld b good fr gabe n b4 they knew it they were. moving to paul-robert’s hometown of irving, north carolina. violence end of tw //

he wld’ve complained more bt. fr sonia’s sake gabe kept it 2 himself. it made her happy 2 see them all get along anyways n like. idk he cld put forth tht little effort <3

bt honestly like. he didnt rly get into too many fights once they moved down here n even tho sometimes he ws like. ommgg. i hate this town .. its so washed up .. he still made friends n like. the only thing tht changed ws tht it ws a lil harder fr him 2 acquire illegal substances. 

anyways. currently he hs a tattoo apprenticeship n is a professional piercer n like. he plays guitar n writes songs bt thts more of a hobby rn than anything else. mostly focused on paying his rent at port apartments bc as much as he. loves his mom he does not want 2 live with her forever <3 n thts okay! 

personality & facts.

overall xtremely passionate person like god. feels emotions so intensely. every time he opens his mouth n talks abt an interest of theirs its just very like. u listen n ur like oh. gained 2 inspiration. thanks.

clings onto his friends p tightly bc he like. nvr rly stayed in one place fr super super long in new jersey so he nvr made very long term friends n now hes like. very clingy HLKDSHLKFSHLKDG also hates to b alone. subtle desperation behind interactions with ppl he rly wld like to be friends with.

like dnt get me wrong hes gotten into. sm fights bt thts mostly bc he cannot keep his mouth shut n he also cnt stand douchebags he like. always wants to tear them down prob bc he ws a victim of bullying. n u know what. we support him. otherwise he loves ppl bt esp if they hv similar interests 2 him.

like golden retriever who bites kind of. intensely loyal but at the same time is very skeptical. things tht good things do not last very long even though they’ve been doing already fr the last few years. 

also bit of a nerd. they were nvr rly a big fan of school bt theres smth abt a good superhero comic tht draws their attention more than like. any english class evr. bt seven soldiers of victory? classic. big dc fan.

uh. very into like. hardcore music. hardcore rock. punk. if its loud n angry they r into it like so so much. hs sm tattoos is like. super covered in them its partially bc they work at a tattoo shop n partially bc they do not know hw to manage their money well.

ooohh u know what theyre. kinda moody i wont lie to u. very defensive like they dnt evr wna talk abt their past. has experienced Things n they do not wish to discuss them. will usually like. deflect frm conversations he doesnt wna hv.

in tune with nature. loves fkn taking walks. hangs out in the woods by abernathy creek n lilac ridge bc nobody rly goes there n its just. nice

tries not 2 take anything super seriously 2 the point where when he does take smth seriously its a little scary bc theyre super intense abt it. forcibly optimistic even tho on the inside he feels like a total pessimist. lots of. deep down insecurities tht he projects by attaching himself p firmly onto others. >.>

so so so energetic. can never stay still. always hs to be moving around. restless like tht. probably got it frm his mom. overly protective over the ppl he loves. probably got it frm his mom as well.

goes onto Tangents bt also divert frm those tangents n is generally all over the place.

always cold n always looks tired n like he hsnt slept in a thousand years n u know what. sometimes he just does not sleep.

oooohh theyre a vegan. totally into animal rights. devious little demi man beyond that .. loves horror n the paranormal n believes in like. every cryptic. will debate u on it.

erm not. the kindest 2 themself theyre a bit self destructive. impulsive. drives very fast n parties super hard. said i will hv my effy stonem moment. u dont hv to gabe. 

bt ya! luvs oranges n reds n is maybe a short king. hs an eyebrow piercing n like. a lip ring i wont fk around here he IS living his best emo life in 2021. a little outdated on the trends bt thats okay. probably will tell u hes frm new jersey. its a personality trait. smokes the shittiest cigarettes ever.

wanted plots.

just ghosting along ,, dnt even exist 2 me ,, ;; god. firstly just the vast amt of ppl tht gabe hs like. spoken to romantically n then dropped suddenly. n then maybe like. one tht actually Hurt bt they cnt avoid each other bt theyre actively pretending each other doesnt exist n its. hurtful bc it ws like. actually smth nice bt <3 ykno FKLFSDHG

hey hey heyy c’maahn i’m just a little guy ;; n this is the vast amt of ppl tht gabe hs probably. pissed off n hs either fought or been on the verge of fighting just. unable 2 resist a good bicker-turned-duel.

just blistering in the sun ;; they cld b close friends bt also they cld also not b bt just ppl who. indulge in bad impulsive decisions with gabe. general bad influences on each other’s health n just. no good! party hard bt at what cost. 

n also ;; like ... rly solid good friendships ... flings n maybe an exe or two tht either ended on good terms or just. horrendous, ppl they’ve distanced frm, ppl also frm up north, piercing customers, bt not tattoo customers bc im p sure they’d get fired if they were just tattoo’ing ppl willy nilly, etc.