#im at work rn waiting to go home
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#dp#dp fanart#danny phantom fanart#danny phantom#sam manson#tucker foley#had fun with this one#you can decide why tuckers so offended#danny probably just said something wild#im at work rn waiting to go home#could not come quicker#blob ghosts#ibispaint
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Gave myself psychic damage making plot points, so there's that.
#spazzcat barks#delete later#i think we all know rns is going to (eventually) have some very intense sads in it#was really stewing on how i wanted to convey that on the drive home and made myself cry#[this is not as dramatic as it sounds i cry often]#what WAS dramatic is when i cry my eyes burn horrendously#and if im super tired they will burn and all nearby lights will get a corona that makes it hard to see#anyway the embarrassment of making yourself so emotional over your own stupid fic#that you have to pull over on the side of the highway and wait on your self destructing eyes to work again#>_< the blorbos are not that important calm the fuck down <- they say bitterly as they wait on their vision to clear
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Little activity notice but I'm taking my praxis/boards at the end of March so I'll be extra unresponsive from here on out. See you all on the other side of this!!
#ik ive been on a little bit of a low activity hiatus anyway what with the 10-14 hour workdays i have rn#and i usually get home and just pass out or go to my other job rn#but ive been trying to be decently consistent on discord but honestly thats getting harder too#im usually lurking on the dash but anything that isnt studying/work right now is Too Much#ive already had one moderate mental breakdown cant wait for more :/#but by the end of march I'll be wrapping up the unpaid internship and taking the praxis so ill be way more free after that#( ooc. )#dont forget about me!!! love you all!!!#im a little bit more accesible on discord rn but even that might be a day or three before i get back to it sorry
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have to wake up early tomorrow to drop my sister at the station, then get my ultrasound done, and then go to my job interview after. feels like a good night to listen to the cure
#mine#had to go home from work because i was in so much pain#the doctor was soooo nice#he just listened to me and was very respectful and didnt brush of any of my concerns#and like. even when i told him about the drugs i do he was chill about it. we were talking symptoms and i kept saying yes i experience that#but i thot it was stress. and he said to me 'it sounds like youre under a lot of stress rn' and then asked if id been diagnosed with anxiet#and then i said to him well no. but im a psychologist and i feel i have ptsd but theres no formal diagnosis#i just watched him write it on my chart <3#ive cut down on my smoking though he straight up thought i was lying about only having 1 a day (some days 2 some days 0)#but he was nice about it#at the end i was like '.............thanks for being so nice' and he smiled#the weird part was when i was speaking and like#idk i guess i anticipate that people will cut me off so i paused and looked to him#and he just looked bck at me and nodded and waited for me to finish before speaking#just the little things#it was actually surprisingly validating to hear him say that he thought i was pretty stressed out#like i feel it but i always worry im just being a baby yknow#he was asking about shortness of breath nausea heartburn etc etc#and i was like yeah that has increased lately but I wasn't sure if it was related or just stress from work#and he was like dude I think you need a couple days off#definitely coming back to him
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I just think that evil women
#the prophet speaks#im in class rn but i have my laptop and am just waiting to go home#having class after an exam just Doesnt Work
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#sry I need to vent more abt my tattoo pain bc I physically cannot do anything productive rn im completely and totally incapacitated#can’t read anything beyond short posts or texts. can’t eat or move at all#tried to sleep through it so it would at least Be Tomorrow so I can get medical help. but the jolts of pain make me like Jump#hence me being sent home from work early today like it’s not even that I was complaining I was just flinching involuntarily so much#and was unable to work or function at all. thank god I don’t work retail rn I remember the pain of tattoo infections in that context#it’s so Abrupt it feels like I’m being stabbed or repeatedly bitten#literally trying not to scream bc I have a roommate. but he almost certainly hears me crying and saying ouch#which sucks bc I barely know the guy lol he has no context. At least on my drive home I could scream as much as I needed#literally would go to the ER if I could afford it and that sounds so dramatic bc it is#it doesn’t feel like it can wait. genuinely don’t know how I’m gonna get through the night#I haven’t slept in like 60 hours and I doubt I will tonight. but it hurts too much to even tell if I’m tired#and I don’t have time for this!! I have so much I need to be doing. I hate that the only way I can have Time is to be Extra Disabled#in a way that leaves me completely unable to do the things I normally can fight through despite burnout#and I was just at health services yesterday asking them to do insurance paperwork that they couldn’t do#it’s embarrassing having to be like hey I was just there but can I come back#I have Another tattoo infection but I pinky promise I take such good care of them#and my artist is like the best of the best too. it’s like it doesn’t matter what either of us does to keep me safe#and I know if anyone responds to this it will be to tell me to stop getting tattoos#but that’s literally like telling me not to get top surgery if I’m immunocompromised n might have recovery complications#both are equally important gender affirming medical procedures to me I’m not joking#and I hate always having to justify this whilst in agonizing pain. I hate answering the same things every time bc still no one believes me#I say this as someone who lives every moment in baseline pain that would have your average person writhing on the floor and I ignore it#this is truly unbearable if I hadn’t been through it a million times I would think it was life threatening#just needed to get it out ig. bc it’s all I can physically do. until health services opens in 12 hours#PLEASE let them have availability tomorrow bc i have literally no option on weekends#this is just. so upsetting and embarrassing. I don’t have time or emotional capacity for this#personal#mine#vent post
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you guys ever wake up evil
#im a little better now but i probably could have killed this morning tbh#my dog woke me up four times last night#i got up and my brothers had trashed the bathrooms so they desperately needed done before i left for work#i picked up my water bottle and the lid wasnt screwed on??? so it dumped everywhere#my dog couldnt wait for me to handle the water spill and peed on the floor#the trash bag i was carrying out broke#was about to pull out of the driveway and realized i left my phone in my room#and i was gonna have my tomato soup i didnt get to have Saturday today for lunch#and for some godforsaken reason there was bacon in it#what the FUCK#i have never had a 'woke up on the wrong side of the bed' day quite like this#and immediately upon clocking in got a call from some lady whose son's truck had been hit and she was just screaming at me#bc SHE had to file a claim and i couldnt for her#i almost lost my job bc of her (was gonna tell her to khs then go home) (only barely held it together)#if i hadnt just bought a doll yesterday i would be buying a doll rn to make life worth living#and i left said doll at home!!! i want her to be in my car so i can stare at her!!!#EVILEVILEVILEVULEVUL#says kenna
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doing really bad in ways i can’t talk about which is making it worse
#just cancelled a meeting so i could cry in the office LMAOOOOOOO 🥰👍#purrs#the mortifying ordeal of my therapist being on her honeymoon rn 😹😹😹😹😹#i think i am just a bad person and my needs hurt people who need me. and it’s not fair to them and idont know what to do with that.#i think i may have to move out sooner than i am ready to and not listen to anyone telling me to keep waiting. this is not sustainable. it’s#not sustainable for my family because i hurt them with my needs. and it’s not sustainable for me to be unable to need and get what i need#without hurting them. i think what’s so hard about this is that i have to do it alone and everyone is against me doing it but i have to do#it anyway. i don’t know. i don’t want my sister to see this and get hurt. if you do see this im sorry i can’t be what you need. im sorry my#needs hurt you. but they’re needs. i have to be selfish even though my brain is screaming at me in your voice that i don’t. i just need to#escape it all. i am allowed to need independence and alone time and im sorry i was cruel about asserting it but i need to assert it and no#one at home understands why but I need to. im not talking coherently i just feel so wretched and sick to my stomach with guilt and grief and#frustration and shame and i have to facilitate a huge session in an hour and a half.#delete later#like my friends / mutuals / mentors / etc can tell me until they’re blue in the face that i am not a bad person and i deserve to live an#independent Life etc etc but none of you are actually in my house and you don’t see how it is and how i am the cause of all of it and how im#stuck and making things worse. and i can’t summon my strength or calm down or anything. i don’t know. i have to get ready for the session i#just can’t even think straight. my family is right and i am also right and i can’t assert my rightness over theirs. so im stuck forever.#if i could i would leave work early and go home but there’s no one to take me home and home is actually the worst possible place to be#right now LOLLLLL. i just need to curl into a bed and cry. also im about to get my period so thats probably why im like this lol
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A big thank you to my mutuals who like my nervous breakdown 2-4am posts. You're the backbone of my blog
#its like im not completely alone#idk#what losing a cat does to a woman i guess but#lets be real i was like this before#im just a sad person who laments more than takes action and#i think ill be sad forever probably#in that way some people are#i feel like im one reality over from where im supposed to be yakno?#i used to have this image id hold onto of leaves in the sunlight when i was a kid and i kept waiting for someone to talk to me who#would take me wherever that was#maybe thats the nature of never fitting in u get too in your head and then#reality doesnt feel like home#yeah ive heard people say shit like that sbout books#sorry im not wearing my glasses#lately days blend together and i feel like i cant hold into time#and people talking to me (when they do) sounds miles away#takes ages to get to me if it does at all#oops! sounds like im dissociating hahahahaah oh fuck#when u write it all out. stares at ya right in the face#if im not doing something it feels like my anxiety will latch onto anything#like. rn i feel like im gonna throw up bc of like 5 different things about my car#car insurance. registration. trying to find a job#then it spirals into what ifs. and how thatd suck#constantly this shit. constantly! the only reprieve is going to hang w my grandmother who is 90 and talking about death a lot#😵💫#but shes my best friend so ???! fuck!#man idk. im so sad. idek what to do abt this. work out#maybe get a new actor to have a crush on#what makes people happy? idk#em yaps
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your honor i simply do not have the motivation to be a human being
#im just hanging on by waiting for the album tbh#24 days left!#but im getting ready for work rn and i just kind of. keep sitting on my bed every few minutes and think abt not going#im going to go but im going to wish i were at home all day. and i like my job! im just Feeling Things rn#;malls;
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i love school i hate. doing assignments though
#why cant i just go to school and sit in the lecture hall and then leave and never have to think abt it again#tf u mean i have to do WORK!!!!!#and READING!!!!!!!!!!#Sorry man im still waiting on the adhd diagnosis rn its really hitting me hard#the college system of ‘i talk to u in class and then u figure out the assignments and work to do at home’ does NOT work for me#his ass is NOT WORKING!!!!!!!!!!!
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Your last top gun fandom act? Did I miss the 1812 AU?
No u didn’t 😭 just not sure it’s happening anytime soon & don’t wanna make any promises
#this might be tmi but im at that point in the semester when even getting out of bed is near impossible#& then i go home for a week to see friends & family & then fly BACK across the country to immediately start my job#like i won’t have a minute to breathe until the end of august again#(wwgattai and debriefing were both written in the two weeks between work and school last year)#i would love to finish the 1812 AU but it wouldn’t be till much much later in the summer & i feel bad making people wait#like if i posted it it would probably be a surprise lol.#and it’s so depressing lol the whole last half is mav dealing with both ices death and the mission & i am NOT in the right headspace rn#LMAO#so it is up in the air sorry sorry sorry#if any of u are going to airventure this year we should hang though 🤞🏽
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its time for yet another brain game of am i like fully neurotic or was this genuinely not a cool situation . prize is jack shite and yet im playing anyways👍
#j.txt#vent#just like. to preface. im not bringing any of this up im just going to stew in it for the night and then move on as per usual#alright disclaimer made now i can get to the point. So. tonight is my close irl friends bday right but she didnt tell me about any plans#so i naturally assumed she was gonna do her own thing and not really celebrate. Ive had work all day and while working get a text frm her#asking if we want to go to this restaurant i introduced our group to for dinner. so i respond saying oh im off at this time if yall want to#go even tho its late i can. Never get a response so i assume theyll bring it up when i get back. get home and no ones here not a word abt#whats going on. i do my usual unwinding get ready to chill etc which takes abt half an hour. she comes back with our other mutual friends#and theyve already gone to the restaurant which is fine i get it. but they get back and say oh now we're going to this themed music night at#a club we've all been to before as soon as (other friend) changes. and then just. dont offer for me to come along or anything and leave.#which like. whatever its happened a hundred times before im used to it but Still. does it not even occur that I might want to participate??#if i had Any notice that this was happening I could have been getting ready instead of slacking around waiting for someone to get home#its so. i try extrememly hard not to be a downer or just invite myself to things bc I Know this is how they all operate but it does still#sting that it feels like im not even thought of if i dont happen to be in the room when plans are being made lol.#and obv I am Not bringing this up rn and ruining what im sure was a really fun night for all of them#its just truly a goddamn bitch of an unsatisfactory situation yknow. but such are the whims of fate and i shall endure as always✌️
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Look i know its a rly dumb idea to try and set up a base in the middle of louisville buuuuuut i like being withing walking distance of things and i think it would be fun to try?
Now the question is... do i take my game where i have a nice base in muldraugh and try to move as much as i can over to lv or should i start a new game already there? Kinda wanna keep my things but also kinda wanna start new again...?
#i know i have too much shit and i cant possibly carry all of it over there#but also i hate leaving things behind and deciding what to take would be awful#then again i already put so much time into this game and i dont wanna waste it all!#mayyyybe i should try a separate game starting in lv to see how bad of an idea that rly is and then decide after?#hmmmmmmng#also where in lv do i wanna set up shop? cause i need access to some trees and if possible water but i dont want a huge base like#an entire apartment complex thats way too much#idk man#this is just what i do while i dont have much to work on rn... i think about my game and look up some locations and stuff#look muldraugh is technically big enough for me and everything but ive never been to lv and it sounds cool#i dont rly wanna live in the suburbs though cause thats just sad idk... although it is the sensible thing to do#ugh im almost done with work i cant wait to go home and play#mine#pz#ramble ramble
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I am NORMAL about seeing family I am NORMAL I am NOT nauseous I have DEFINITELY thought about packing I TOTALLY have already done my shopping from the work gift shop
#I'm literally sick to my stomach rn :/ I even ate breakfast#I can't even say going home everyone is like are you excited to go home#And I'm like I have newly divorced parents who have family halfway across the country from each other. Neither of which where I grew up#So I can't even see friends or anything. And my mom's fam fought about holidays so theirs is split#So my brother is going to one faction with the cousins and FLORIDA and I'm going to the other with my mean grandma who makes me cry#Anyway of course I say yes im excited to go home#It'll be good bc i haven't seen most of my fam since last Xmas. But still I am like. sooooooo stressed it's insane#Also work is STILL REALLY COLD#But not as bad as yesterday#1 day travel 3 days dads fam 1 day travel 3 days moms fam 1day travel. Then literally a week and my mom is coming to visit. Oof.#Anyway. Flight in 24hrs#Wait perks. I'm going to get a hug from my grandparents :) I haven't touched anyone anything more than like. A high five. Or 3in the back#Since may.
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good things but personal so hiding in the tags
#its been a year now and WHEN will the honey moon phase be over im going ridiculous fr fr#our anniversary is literally on new years which is so fucking picturesque or whatever the word is i hate it (lying)#i got us matching bracelets and she lost hers that same day im literally so in love with her#and she told her siblings about us and her sister was just like. yeah obviously 🤨#and then later her brother when her parents waiting in the restaurant for a table and me & her & him were in the car and he said yeah.#i figured 🙄 and then he came out to us and i love him. i love her family so much i feel unreal#and her parents literally dont know were dating. like genuinely. i dont know what they think but it works. they said next time they all go#home to the philippines they want me to come. i dont understand why they like me so much & im so scared of the day theyll find out im#dating their daughter and start hating me. but rn i feel so happy so its ok#and her mom said shes thinking of taling spamish classes at my community college and i should take them with her. even though i speak#spanish from home but i can help her#her family is just so kind to me and it makes me feel soooo i dont even know. everything#i just never thought i would be this happy its so impossible for me to understand or accept it#and everything with us is never perfect but its so much love and i feel so lucky its scaring me#i feel like im dreaming im so scared to wake up and lose it all#and its all been so hard and is going to be even harder but its worth it. more than anything and thats even more terrifying than#all the bullshit#but its good its good its good#louie type
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