#im afraid im going to get sick again
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#strange series of events that occur at 330am#my car archie woke me up with his roaring meow#which usually means he needs food#he did not need food lol#but then like 5 minutes later i ended up getting viciously sick ?? like just vom dot com every where#which i am pretty confused about because i didnt eat anything crazy.#but then i also pick up my hampster because i notice shes awake#and start freaking out because of a couple things i notice going on with her#but after some googling im pretty confident she is actually just in heat lolol#so now im gonna smoke a little and try to get back to sleepa#!#my stomach still really hurts though#im afraid im going to get sick again#did archie know i was gonna get sick and alerted me???
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i'm going to the dentist tomorrow and being really brave about it. extremely. because i need to get my wisdom teeth out very soon but i have to do a consultation first. i'm being brave. i promise. i'm brave...... :(
#wish me luck.....im actually going to cry#soooooo like i have a blood phobia which makes me really afraid to go to the doctor#also i didnt have insurance until i moved to japan LOL.#so there's a bunch of weird stuff and associations i have with going to get my Health Checked#we have mandatory yearly health checkups and in my town everyone signs up for a day/time and goes to a big gym#and you wait in line with all these doctors who test your hearing and pee and lungs etc#but also your blood#last year i had only lived in fukushima for two months or so#and i was really dreading the checkup but i was being brave because it's MANDATORY i have no choice#(also free yay)#but when they drew my blood i literally fainted in front of everyone#i didnt realize i was going to do that because i haven't in a really long time#even though i was crying while waiting my turn because i was so scared 😭😭😭😭#anyways it was actually so terrifying because people were saying things that i couldnt understand while i was basically on the ground#the doctor later told me my heart rate was so fast he thought i was going to have a heart attack and almost called an ambulance#but i was like no lol i just have a phobia. and he was like umm can you tell us next time?#my bad#anyways he told me to stay home for the rest of the day so i did#it also happened to be the day before the school festival#so when i came the next day everyone rushed up to me and was like ARE YOU OKAY#and i was confused like yeahhhh im fine i just got a little sick haha#but it turns out there was a rumor that i was carried away in an ambulance from fainting lmfao#like nah one of my coworkers just drove me back home lol#very long story just to say....#im going to faint again probably. even though it's just a consolation.#text
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#yesterday i was wandering around the campus where ive resided these last 4 years bc ive banned myself from running until my leg heals#and i was thinking like. what am i gonna miss about this place when i leave? bc im always thinking abt the things i cant wait to get away#from. and its a real short list. ill miss the palm trees bc i never get sick of seeing thrm. theyre so weird#ill miss the yucca. again bc theyre so weird looking. ill miss the way u can see where all the ants r bc in the non human populated areas#there isnt grass everywhere bc desert. ill miss that there r so many birds of prey hanging around. and the road runners and all the lil#lizards. and maybe in an abstract way ill miss being so close to the boarder bc when u live near a boarder boarders feel like bullshit#like staring down the road into another country. idk theres something i like abt that. ill probably also miss being able to run outside#all year long bc in the winter during the day all u need is a light jacket lol. where im going it gets real cold 🥶#maybe ill even miss the constant blue skies. but idk ive always liked a cloudy sky better. makes me think of home haha#ill def miss how convenient my apartment rn is. the loft bed. the low cost. the 5min walk to campus. sigh. but thats pretty much it. i#dont think ill miss anything else. im not really close with anyone. my boss was the reason i came here and she left this school in January#so thats it i guess. i think i stayed a year too long and was not well for a lot of my time here but so it goes#just gotta move to the next place. just gotta pray pray pray that i find an apartment soon. i dont even wanna say anything abt it bc im#afraid to jinx things. even tho thats irrational. like. i just gotta somehow project how good a tenant i am. im so quiet u will never see#me and i never complain abt anything bc i have brain problems. sigh. i cant wait for this transition to b over#im so so so ready to be in a new place doing new things. but at least my energy is back. im back to high energy on little sleep lol#i dont understand how my body functions lmao. somehow when i get a normal amount of sleep it's a sign that i feel awful#unrelated
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trying to check out to see if i'll ever manage to get top surgery this year and. let's just say i thought the delay would be bigger but. the price is still always such a big ass problem i kinda wanna bash my head against a wall but. anyway
#living with 600/month and having no idea if i'll ever get a job after this semi-work that ends in march but. oh well!!!#already tried to calculate if i could ever save any money from the little time i get to work there but!!! only make me wanna cry#im afraid this will be another year w/o top surgery 😀 dying in the summer and wishing to rip my skin off. w/o the hope i'll at least#get a date some day. cos at this rate i have absolutely no hope ngl.#the whole organisation to get to one of the potential surgeon 2h away is already making me want to explode#i have absolutely no idea how i'll ever be able to pull this off. ever. i don't even know if we'll be able to stay in this flat by the end#of our contracts. so. yeah#i can't see past 4 months away how can i think i'll ever be able to start this thing going. trying to but i stay silly ing the situation but#!!!!! im so desperate i feel so drained and exhausted. the mere idea of summer makes me wanna kms i'm dreading going through it another year#smh.#absolutely no one gives a shit i shouldn't vent in da tags for the 1 day of the yea#but im suddenly hit with an enormous wave of despair that i know won't go away cos it's always on my mind#and seeing the facts once again that i'll prob never be able to afford it is not helpiiiinh#yes i live in france no not everything is paid by healthcare cos it's still considered as non vital </3333#dental/ear/teeth problems started to get fully refundable (on specific little things) only a few years ago#so we're like decades of getting top surgery refunded 100% im afraid</3#i shouldn't complain but then again what's the use of cool healthcare if we can't ever have access to a doctor. of any kind.#smh smh smh#rent over I'm sick of myself i'll shut up sorry
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not been a good day today fellas
#i miss my ex i have no irl friends that i hang out with anymore because of that#cant believe i used to be happy!! lol!!!#thee suicidal thoughts have come back#lost the good old self harm battle 14 days into 2024#i want to die!!! lol!!!! lmao!!!!!!!!#vent#get me out of here fr this shit fucking sucks#i don’t want to work at this job i have no friends i have no prospects#im scared of driving even tho i just got my permit again a couple days ago#i feel like im never going to do anything productive with my life#i hate the way i look i hate this fucking body i was born into#i hate god etc etc#i cant ever have confidence in a relationship again because im afraid they’re not really attracted to me#and they’re doing it for a joke or something#surely there’s a word for that#idk! i feel like i will never fit in with anybody because of the way i am#(homeschooled autistic idiot raised jehovah’s witness)#not to mention the fact that im queer#god!! i fucking hate everything right now myself most of all#im so sick of this i wish i had a different life#why couldn’t i have been born a skinny dude.#maybe then i’d want to kill myself slightly less#also pls don’t comment on this im going to bed#ill be fine eventually i dont have an actual way to do anything
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It's like my entire after-college life is an extremely long means testing experiment on what work I can actually stand.
So far this job I have now has been one of the closest I've come to not feeling awful about working. It's easy mentally, very routine oriented, and most (non-manager) people I interact with are tolerable and down to earth. The problem comes with the amount of hours I have to work- 8 hours a shift, 40 hours a week. It's a "standard" work week, but most days I can finish at least my tasks by 2-2:30, about 6 hours in and a good chunk of that is downtime between the machine cycles and deliveries. The extra 2ish hours of sitting around in the panopticon of the office until the end of my shift pushes me over to exhaustion. (Even then I technically go home 30 minutes before the true end of my shift, but this whole conundrum might be another post with much complaining about the new manager.)
This leads to my other problem, I don't have the energy or time to practice creativity and creation after work since the hours exhaust me so much. I live alone, and while I love and need to live alone that means I need to do everything myself. Feed myself, clean up after myself, do errands myself, no one is around to help. It's a double edged sword. I need the decompression time and to feel like no one's watching, but it's a lot of work and I'm also quite lonely when I'm reminded of how long it's been since I've hugged someone or that it's been like 5+ years since anyone's even liked me enough to go out of their way to do things and spend significant amounts of time with me. But yeah, the lack of energy sucks. I can feel parts of my mind hallowing out to a numb despair. I can't even feel like a part of the community here because going out after work takes energy, and the weekends are like the only time I can do daytime errands.
I'd love to drop down to part time hours, but I don't think the company, or my budget, will swing that. I don't even know if I have any skills I can use to get a remote job to at least alleviate some of the uncomfortableness of having to go into work and sit under the office panopticon.
The older I get the more I have to come to terms with the feeling that I'm just not made for my limited understanding of success and way of life. If I were younger I'd curse at my parents and other adults in my life for never telling me that there are more ways of living and succeeding beyond a 40 hour a week job, but the me of now understands that they probably didn't and don't know about other ways of living.
Also it worked for them because the social contract back then wasn't broken beyond belief like it is now.
#late night ramblings#i can feel the knots of past traumas but i still cant get a therapy appointment to dedicate time to loosening and undoing them#sure i could do it on my own but that requires time and energy i dont have right now and im a bit afraid that ill go off the deep end#so id like to have at least one person gently chopping my head when i make stuff up that just isnt true at all#because sometimes i cant recongize it myself despite my attempts at splitting my conciousness to talk it out within myself#in the end two versions of me are still me after all#i took friday off because i thought i was getting sick and wanted to rest up#somehow im not that sick (shocking since influenza a is spiking here) but man did i need that extra day off#i feel halfway human again#honestly hoping that with the budget cuts that the company were contracted to are making they end up having to lay me off#so i can collect unemployment and return to my NEET life but this time medicated and wiser than the last time i was NEET and medicated#because that last time i did so much healing and it was so good for me#i yearn for that feeling
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I dont think there's anyone I know who can understand how it feels knowing all of your friends are meeting up without you and doing all the things you dream of, while you sit alone again, because you were born too fucking far away to ever actually be part of their lives.
#theyre all meeting up together so they cant understand what this shit is like#man i reallywish i was dead#talky#literally nothing#vent#ever since my last partner left me and my only remaining irl friend died ive had nobody#i do the same thing every day and i do it alone#i cry every fucking night in jealousy knowing what ill never have#i cant sleep because i feel like shit#i took my fucking drug dealer with me when i got my tattoo (which took me multiple years to get done because i was afraid to go alone)#like thats all ive got now#i really dont want to be alive#im so sick of being alone#i vent about this same shit all the time because theres nothing else i can do about it and it will never change.#fuck my shitty fucking life man#im not sure ill ever be part of anyones lives again#and if im lucky ill fucking die
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ohhhh my fucking god this day has been awful.
#first my sister gets me sick#and im supposed to go to a concert this weekend but now im afraid that ill feel too bad for it#and now the insurance has denied my t refill#i dont know why for sure but i think its because i changed my name with it#but im afriad that its bc my next appt is too far away for them to refill so now ill have to wait 3 months b4 i can get it again#if that's the case. i dont know what im going to do bc theres no way in hell im paying 400 for every refill#marcus.txt
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#genuinely though i think i need to try and get (back) on medication for my chronic pain#the only reaso. i didnt when it was offered is bc the trwatment they wnated to use involved and ssri and i cant be#on an ssri without being on a mood stabilizer unless we want me to go into a mania#and the last time i was on a mood stabilizer i lost 15% of my body weight bc of how sick it made me and my gastrointestinal tract still#hasnt recovered from that even though its been 7 years atleast at this point#and 15% of your body mass is alot to fucking lose when you only weigh 112 pounds in the first place#ive also STILL not gained that weight back btw#i only weigh like 105#i feel like i look like a fucking victorian waif who needs to be sent to the seaside for their health#but atleast i dont weight 98 pounds anymore bc that was really scary actually#also and the main point of this all is that if i dont do something im going A flunk out of grad school and B possibly killmyself#bc my mental health is actially so bad right now. my suicidal ideation is the worst its been since my early 20s#lile there is a part of my brain that actively wants to die bc then everything would stop hurting and bc im so tired and i just want to rest#but also i dont want to die actually im just tired and afraid#but my brain is trying to kill me#and ive had the strong urge to start self harming again after being clean of it again since my early 20s#like ive caught myself ruminating on it on how much i want it#both selfharm and death and thats so fucking scary bc ive fought so hard to not do either of those things#ive been clean of self harm since i was 21 thats 7 years and the last time i caught myself actively thinking about sucide or selfharm#was in 2020 during covid lockdown bc i was fucking trapped in a house with my ex who didnt give a shit about my psychosis or its triggers#or even my life apparently bc i begged him to lock up his guns during one of the worst episodes i had during lockdown bc my brain was#telling me to kill myself and he didnt just moved them to a shelf kinda out of the way but still easily accessible
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⛈️ ❌ ❌ ❌ // 2:09 am, tbd ;
#this is a fucking vent so just gnore the venty ass tags but i have nowhere else to place this that feels safe other than just.#shouting into a void where no one hears. aka here ig.#bc its better i shout into a void alone than drag others down with me somehow—i dont. know#regardless… i’m just… i dont know what to think.#things are really bad lately & i’m struggling again to stop myself from sh utting down every time i try being vulnerable & opening up.#i keep clamming up & letting my mind take the reins when it tells me to just erase anything i say. to not open up.#to swallow every single emotion & experience that’s hurting me & let that poison kill me slowly instead. deal with it alone#because it feels like its wrong to open up. like its wrong to say anything. like me being open is just.#me being a fucking burden or something. i don’t know. i shouldn’t be like this. i’m supposed to be fucking better than t his.#what the fuck happened to the version of myself that could just keep suppressing & suppressing & not being a goddamn thorn in ppl’s sides.#esp bc all the things i’m having a difficult / painful time with is all fucking trigger heavy shit or things that i just don’t.#fucking know what to do with anymore because its not shit within my control.#a lot of it’s shit im still just processing that has hurt a lot & havingg to cope w that grief alone.#but then there’s also other circumtances too that are hard to navigate & my BPD having a field day w me in recent history too#i don’t know what the fuck is wrong w me at this point. & im scared & i can’t stand being fucking alone in this shit yet.#i feel like i have to. i have to. i have to. beccause this is my own issue & to dare express anything is me just. using ppl isn’t it.#that’s all it is right. & besides how many times has it been proven that ppl get sick of me for not being okay.#how many times have ppl walked away because they realize im just some fucking deadweight emotionally or something. id on’t fucking know.#am i spiraling? who fucking knows! maybe! because im fucking tired of what my life has been in general & im. overwhelmed.#overwhelmed by existence itself i fucking guess & what its meant for me overwhelmed by expectations overwhelmed by vulnerability thats just.#bleeding out through the fucking cracks of this fucking mess of a person i am.#& constantly fucking afraid that im just. too much. too much. too much for anyone.#too emotional in fucking general too intense too overwhelming for others regardless if its overwhelming them via pos or neg emotions.#afraid im going to get discarded afraid of what’s to come afraid in fucking general. fear & grief & pain & rage & hatred &.#desperation to feel anything other than this & desperation to feel loved thats got me having rly foul compulsions too#all my emotions feel like some kind of fuckihng hairtrigger & its hard to stop it in fucking general. i dont fucking know. & like i said it.#feels like shit to deal with completely alone. not bc i wanna deal with alone but bc i /have/ to bc if i dont then im just. a problem. or.#i dont know. im tired of everything tired of my emotions tired of this life tired of all that ive had to face up til this point & tired of.#fear & idk how to handle things alone anymore. my friends deserve better than this emotional burden i am to be around ig.#it feels so much like i have to apologize to those i befriend for being. well. this. for all of me & for being ‘too much’ in general.
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#ive been thinking about my friends recently#like alot#past current momentary#friendships that barely even lasted past the day they were made#i wouldnt be alive without a single one of them#i mean that seriously and sincerely#i dont know what id do with myself or my life if i didnt have my friends with me#its not like i cant make friends my real issue is just its hard for me to talk with people#communication is key but when you cant speak and you get tounge tied you suddenly choke and a goof friend slips away#it just feels hard to talk#more specifically to start talking#ive struggeled making friends and keeping them my whole life#that fucks with you no matter how well you think you are when you come out the other side#im always afraid that any day my little house of cards will be gone with the wind and i gotta start from the ground up again#i always feel like im having to maintain friendships i cant let die out because i dont know anyone else and im too sick and tired of being#alone to bare the though of being by myself once more to stand it#even if its just liking each others posts or sitting in silence over lunch it beats being alone again#i cant count the number of times ive cried over this and the number of times ive broken down because of how cumbersome#the weight of being by myself is on me#if theres one thing im always reaching for that keeps me going its to have friends#without them im nothing and worse than that then im a nobody#i mean that#truly i do#my friends are what keep me going they are what push me to keep going to keep living#idk what im even talking about anymore#maybe im just too lonely or something but i just care alot about my friends and hope they care about me too#Youtube
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i had a dream that i was kissing a girl (im gay) and right as it was getting good wayneradiotv turned his webcam on over top the dream and started admonishing twitch chat for watching girls kissing while he was away from the computer. he kept saying they were sick bitches and that none of them would go to heaven. it went on for five whole minutes while i tried desperately to take back control of the dream from wayne and go back to kissing girls. i woke up in a cold sweat at 3 am and was afraid to go back to sleep for fear that the wayne tulpa would harm me again
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Boyfriend! Katsuki, is not a huge fan of PDA, he does use nicknames for you eventually, ‘baby, brat’ is probably the most you’re getting out of him.. he can be ‘you’re insane, woman’ but also ‘yes ma’am’, but in public you’re getting called by your first name to avoid his friends making fun of him!
Boyfriend! Katsuki, has some bad anger issues.. im not saying that you’re not his soft spot, obviously you are.. but one thing about him is he gets mad easily and doesnt care to control or limit himself around others but tries his best to control and limit himself around you, thats his way of you being a soft spot for him.
Boyfriend! Katsuki, would fight every and other person in the world if they ever put a hand on you, he wont take some person hurting you because you’re the most precious to him. obviously he wont word that out to you, but he’ll make sure you know!!
Boyfriend! Katsuki, is honest, about everything and anything. you ask him if the dress looks cute? he’ll tell you if he thinks its not made for you and give you reasons for it. since his mom is a legit model he knows about this stuff more than he’d like to. he’ll tell you if he feels off about something or someone and wont be shy about it!
Boyfriend! Katsuki, will tell you something once and expect that to be fixed. he knows his worth and what he deserves, he wont take the same mistake twice. he isnt afraid to move on completely. but he also knows your worth and he will fix something when you tell him about it, if he does it again and you dont break up with him he takes it upon himself and doesnt talk to you until he gets it right for your own good.
Boyfriend! Katsuki, is not that much of a going out guy, you’ll have dates that revolve around training and studying more than you think. you will go out on dates but not a lot as he needs to practice and study a lot to be the best and expects his partner to respect that.
Boyfriend! Katsuki, isnt must of a speaking guy, he’ll show affection by doing stuff for you, like cooking for you when you’re exhausted, cleaning and orginizing your space, bring you your favorite coffee/drink when he’s coming over, he’ll memorize your food and drink orders, take care of you when you’re sick etc… you best believe he also realizes your habits when you’re nervous/excited/angry, oh and also expect loads of gifts cuz that man is RICH!! (he wants to make it up how he isnt that much affectionate with gifts)
ill continue writing the fanfic ONE DAY… promise…
#my hero academia#anime#bakugo katuski x reader#bakugo katsuki#bakugo x reader#katsuki bakugo x reader#bnha fanfiction#bnha x reader#boku no hero academia#fanfic#katsuki x reader#headcanon#bnha bakugo katsuki#bakugou katsuki#izuku midoriya#shoto todoroki#love#bnha x y/n#bnha x you#bnha x fem!reader#mha x reader#mha x y/n#mha x you
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writing fics for cleo shaw is fucking HARD cus i literally started watching her when she came back from purgatory and have never really looked into her past much. everything i know about cleo’s life before she died and came back has been gleaned from cleo being told about her own life by everyone else.
#im writing a canon divergence thing about like. if cleo ACTUALLY trapped tessa for joe. if she was able to go through with it.#and how her relationship with joe would evolve from that bcus she'd be in such a vulnerable place#knowing she'd hurt someone she really cares about just to save herself. because she was too much of a coward to say no.#knowing that if anyone found out it was her then she'd have absolutely no one and be alone again#joe would play the sympathetic card and be the one to comfort her because he's the only other person who knows what she did#and the rest of the bundy bunch would be angry bcus they were worried sick abt cleo bcus she dipped without a word after getting STABBED#and then LYING to them all about it#and cleo wouldnt be able to stomach being around them all for very long bcus of her guilt#and would keep pushing them away while joe encourages it with manipulation and gaslighting#and cleo would literally just keep running to joe over this because as much as he disgusts her and she doesnt trust him#hes the only one who knows her now. he knows what she's capable of. he knows her darkest fears and her biggest dreams.#and shes the only one in the city who knows he and jonathan moore are one in the same. well bryce has suspicions#and its not a romantic relationship. its not sexual. cleo has no desire for either of those#but... joe wont leave her. no matter what she did. but cleo cant say the same for any of the bundy bunch#because they dont know what terrible things she's done.#and at that point#thats when cleo starts being afraid to lose joe#which is the worst fucking outcome in the world. thats game over. thats when cleo goes from victim of a blackmail & hostage situation#to a full blown accomplice of joe's#GOD i love writing fucked up shit#krav talks#np
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my stalker | b.e.
billie eilish x fem!reader
context. your stalker isn’t too happy about the police report you’d just filed.
warnings. stalker billie, harsh words, physical struggle
masterlist
the drive back from the police station was nerve racking. every turn you took you felt like someone was watching you. like she was watching you. your paranoia had overtaken your life as you watched every step you took, constantly checking your surroundings and double locking the door. you were scared, and she loved it.
the buzz of your phone interrupted your hasty movements to get out of your car. you waited until you had gotten inside, double locking the door of course, before answering.
“hello?” you didn’t recognise the number but you’d assumed it was the guy you met last night at a party. you’d left him your number since he was hitting on you.
“well that wasn’t very nice of you, was it?” her voice was deep, somewhat angry. and it took everything in you not to scream and panic.
“stay the fuck away from me you psycho!” you yelled through the phone, not hanging up though, wanting to hear her response.
“it’s in your best interest to be kinder to me, baby. i’m not here to hurt you.” here. here. here?
“i’m going to call the police if i see you in my garden again.” you peeked out of the window, scanning the bushes.
“oh please, give me more credit.” this time, the voice didn’t come from your phone, it came from behind you and you spun around in a quick movement to dodge her arm that was reaching for you. however, you weren’t quick enough, as her other arm pulled you back towards her. she pushed you against the wall, her hands pinning you in place and her strength defeating you.
“what on earth do you want from me?” you held her eye contact, masking your ever growing fear. she seemed surprised. you couldn’t make out her features completely due to the darkness. her eyes however, were captivating all the same.
“i want you to stop reporting me to the police, it’s annoying.” she pressed into you, pinning your face in place with her hypnotising eyes.
“maybe don’t stalk me.” you suggested and she rolled her eyes.
“you’re scared of me. i can tell.”
“well what did you expect exactly? a hug and a kiss?” it seemed to be that pissing her off more was the strategy you were going with.
“don’t be afraid of me. i’m what you need.” she whispered on your cheek. “i can hear your heart beating. calm down baby.” you squirmed in her arms, trying to fight her grip but she only pushed you back harder. however soft her words were, her actions never matched. her face was still impossibly close to yours as she waited for a response.
“nothing to say?” she commented, teasing you for your sudden silence.
“fuck you.” you moved quickly, catching her by surprise and getting past her grip to reach for your phone. she was quicker however, grabbing it and shoving it in her back pocket.
“what the fuck.. stalker.” you contemplated on what you should call her. she simply chuckled at what you came up with.
“it’s billie.” she clarified her name.
“i don’t care, give me my phone.” she kept her distance, no longer making a move to reach for you.
“come and get it.” she challenged. “don’t be scared.” she added when you made no move to get your phone back.
“just tell me what you want and give me my phone back.” you moved away from her slowly but she just followed, keeping the exact same distance between you no matter how far back you traveled.
“i think you know what i want. and im not about to give you your phone back so that you can wait for your boy toy to text you.” her grin revealed the glistening metal on her teeth, even in the dark.
“how..?” you were at loss for words. a sick feeling rising to your stomach. no matter where you went she’d always know, she’d always be there too.
“hm?” she mocked you, waiting for you to continue.
“just leave me alone.” you pleaded her but she just chuckled.
“but you’re so fun to play with.” her smile was bright but her eyes were dark. she moved closer to you as you backed away but like always, she was much quicker.
“you’re sick.” you shook your head as her hands came up to your face. you didn’t bother stopping the action.
“i feel quite good.” her lips came down to yours, kissing the side of them, but missing them by a millimetre.
“what are you doing?” her hands caressed your neck as she moved her face to look at you.
“i know we’re meant to be.” her words were soft, contrasting most of what had transpired. you felt her hand on your ass for a second longer than it should’ve been. but when she closed the door behind her and you reached inside of your pocket, you found your phone, as if it had been untouched.
as she walked away from your house calmly, a smile was plastered on her face. she knew you’d be thinking about her for the rest of the week. and that’s all she wanted. for now.
part 2
#billie eilish fanfiction#billie eilish fic#billie eilish gf#billie eilish imagine#billie eilish x fem!reader#billie eilish x reader#billie eilish x you#billie eilish#Spotify
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facing it together | CL16
charles leclerc x female!reader
warnings: emotional angst, pregnancy, accident, mention of loss, blood, hospitals, mention of loosing a baby
note: i took some inspiration for this from an episode of one tree hill (my favourite show) when haley gets into the accident while pregnant in season four / also i don't know much about medical procedures so im sorry for any inaccuracy and/or sounding unrealistic
word count: 3.7k
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You and Charles hadn’t been dating long but you were already head over heels for each other, knowing you wanted to spend the rest of your lives with each other.
Your relationship however had recently been thrown a curve ball in the shape of a positive pregnancy test. At first you were both stunned and at a loss of words but once the shock wore off, you were able to have a proper conversation on what you wanted to do and you both agreed you wanted this.
There were some obstacles as Charles lived in Monaco when he wasn’t going across the world with his career and you lived in London where you had your job and your friends.
That was the first obstacle which didn’t take long to resolve, you wanted to be with Charles and if that meant moving to Monaco you were all in.
The next obstacle was moving. Moving was a difficult task for anyone let alone a pregnant woman whose boyfriend could only be of help during small breaks at a time.
Which was why you both had decided to hold off on the moving process until it was the summer break for Charles and he could fly to London to help you fully and so until then you decided to stay in London.
You would’ve loved to been able to go and see Charles during some of the races but your first trimester was nothing but a nightmare.
Your morning sickness was basically all day, your body ached and most of the time all you wanted to do was sleep. Charles understood completely and would reassure you that you were housing your unborn child, he prioritized that above everything else.
Another obstacle was the media. You and Charles hadn’t been dating long, less than a year and now you were having a baby. You were afraid of what people would say which was why you held off telling anyone especially the fans at least until you were situated in Monaco with Charles and then you could figure it out from there.
Once you hit your second trimester, you started feeling better which brought both you and Charles relief. You had also been able to join him at Silverstone seeing as it was where you lived. You thanked London for being rainy because it allowed you to wear a hoodie to cover the bump you had started developing.
It had been a decent race given the weather. Charles managed to get P4, he would’ve loved to have been on the podium for you but you reassured him you were proud of him regardless of where he placed, plus you reminded him with no podium celebrations gave them more time together which uplifted his mood.
Luckily there was a bit of a break between Silverstone and the Hungary Grand Prix which meant Charles could not only spend time with you but could also help you start to pack up your apartment.
He had stayed as long as he could in between the races but unfortunately the time came when he had to go. You sadly smiled at him as you stood by your door
“It’s only a few weeks baby and then we’ll be able to start being a family” you reminded him as he put his hand on your small but noticeable bump.
It was still a little early for Charles to feel your baby but you could sometimes feel little flutters, regardless he still enjoyed having his hands on your bump.
He nodded at your words “I know I know” he said as he closed his eyes temporarily before opening them again and leaning down to give you a kiss before going on his knees to talk to your bump
“Hi baby of mine, its your Daddy” he started as you smiled looking down at him “I have to leave you and mommy again but I promise you soon we’ll all be together and then before we know it you’ll be with us in our arms” he said “I cant wait to meet you, I love you” he said giving your bump a small kiss before getting up.
You shared another kiss and then he grabbed his bag, leaving. You sighed, you couldn’t wait till you were back in his arms and could officially start this chapter of your life together.
The events that followed however was by far the biggest obstacle you, Charles and your unborn baby would have to face.
-
You had been packing in between watching your boyfriend’s qualifying on Saturday and then ready to watch the race on Sunday especially given there was only an hour time difference.
Sunday rolled around and you realized you didn’t have anymore packing foam. You groaned of course right as the race was about to start so you quickly shot Charles a text, knowing he wouldn’t see it until after.
'Y/N: Good luck baby! Me and Baby are rooting for you! ❤️ '
You sent it and then got up, putting your coat on, slipping your boots on and being sure to grab your purse that had your wallet in it. You left your apartment, locking up and started your way to the hardware store.
You were a careful person when you crossed streets and always made sure to double check for any cars coming especially since the pregnancy, you couldn’t risk anything. If only today had been like others.
It all happened so fast, you started stepping on the road to cross to the other side when a car came zooming and before you or the driver could react, the car had hit you pretty badly, knocking you out almost immediately.
The driver instantly pulled his phone out calling 911 before checking on you. You were bleeding from your head and your white coat had blood stains mixed with road dirt.
The paramedics arrived as fast as they could and took care of you. The police had also arrived and had escorted the driver away to deal with him once he was all cleared.
You however were in pretty rough shape and once the paramedics realized you were pregnant too, they knew they had to move faster to hopefully be able to save you and your baby.
-
Charles’ POV
That race had been so exhilarating. I had managed to get P2. Immediately I jumped into the teams arms once the car was parked and I was out of it.
As I got congratulated from everyone I smiled, thanking them and then made my way to the cooldown room. I spoke casually with Max and Fernando who were the other drivers on the podium.
Eventually came time for the podium ceremony. I smiled at everyone down below and after the national anthem came time for the champagne showers. Once that was all done, I had some time to go back to my drivers room to freshen up a bit before some media interviews.
I reached for my phone once I entered the room and a frown appeared on my face. There was only one text from you and it had been from before the race.
That was unusual seeing as you would usually spam text Charles and after his P2, you would’ve already sent congratulations with an excessive amount of emojis.
Suddenly I felt uneasy, not sure if I should give you a call to check in. Before I could pull up your contact to give you a quick call an unknown number was calling me. The area code was from the UK, the only person I knew from there who would’ve been calling was you.
I answered immediately “Hello” I said waiting for a response but instead was met with something that sounded alot like sniffles from crying “Hello” I said again a bit louder
“Oh sorry, is this Charles? Y/N’s boyfriend” an unknown voice asked
“Yes. Who is this? Is she okay?” I asked, the uneasy feeling never leaving me
“This is Janice Im a friend and a co worker of hers, she gave me your number after she found out about the baby incase anything happened” she started saying
“I don’t know how to tell you this but she was in a pretty bad accident, she’s in surgery right now” she finished telling me.
Suddenly I felt dizzy and off balance. I sat on the couch in my drivers room and took in her words ‘accident’ and ‘surgery’.
“Charles, are you still there?” I heard Janice ask even though I was struggling to find my words. Then suddenly it hit me and I realized what was happening.
“Yes I’m here. I’m getting on a flight as soon as I can. Please text me the details” I told her before hanging up.
The next few moments passed as a blur as I quickly dressed into proper clothes, not even caring where I through my race suit, someone could come in here after and tidy up. I grabbed my backpack and flew out the door. I needed to find Fred and then leave.
I saw Fred luckily right when I rushed down the steps standing with Carlos
“Ooi mate where are you going in such a rush” Carlos asked seeing how frazzled I must’ve looked
“My girlfriend she was in a bad accident, I need to get to the UK” I rushed out
“Wait what happened to Y/N” he asked
“Im not sure I just know she’s in surgery and I need to be there for them when she wakes up” I explained then remembered no one knew about the pregnancy
“What do you mean them?” Fred asked
I sighed, the longer I stayed here the more stressed I became “She’s pregnant. We were keeping it a secret until we were ready to tell people other than family” I said as Carlos and Fred both shared the same expression of shock and happiness but then remembered what had happened to Y/N.
“Go, it’s fine, we’ll come up with a reason why you had to leave” Fred said matter a factly “Go to the airstrip. I’m gonna call ahead for a private jet, you’ll get there quicker” he said before stepping away, pulling his phone out to make the arrangements.
I shared a look with Carlos before he nodded at me and I was out the doors. The lives of the two most important people in my life hung in the balance and I couldn’t get to them any quicker if I tried.
-
After a flight that I swore took a lifetime, I finally arrived at the hospital Janice had texted me the address of. I rushed in to the front desk
“Hi my girlfriend Y/N Y/L/N was brought in, she was in an accident” I told the nurse slightly out of breath
“Hold on let me check” she said typing away in her computer before bringing your file up “It looks like she’s in recovery. You’ll have to wait in the waiting room and the doctor will be with you in a moment to fill you in” she explained
“She’s pregnant, is there anything on the baby?” I asked my heart aching at the thought of possibly losing the baby. “Im sorry sir, there’s nothing on the baby yet” she said sympathetically. I nodded and went to sit down.
I hated hospitals. After loosing my father and Jules, they just made me feel very uneasy. I found it hard to sit still, every time I sat down my leg bounced to the point I had to get up and pace instead.
I just needed them both to be okay. I didn’t want to imagine what life would be like without either of them.
“Family for Y/N Y/L/N” I head a doctor ask, I quickly walked over “Thats me, I’m her boyfriend and the father of her baby” I told him. I tried to gage the look in his eyes but he was hard to read which didn’t help my uneasiness.
“Your girlfriend was hit pretty hard, she has a couple broken ribs” he started explaining “She also hit her head which caused some bleeding in the brain but luckily we were able to stop the bleeding, unfortunately because of that though she’s currently in a coma. We have hope she’ll wake up, it’s just hard to tell when that’ll be” he finished as I took in all of his words.
“And the baby?” I asked hearing my voice crack
“At this point it’s hard to tell, Im sorry” the surgeon said “I can give you her room number though and you can go sit by her bed. Hopefully she’ll be awake soon and we can get an ultrasound done for the baby” he told me as I nodded afraid to speak.
Once I had her room number I took the elevator up and walked in when I reached the door. She was laying so peacefully, it almost looked like she was sleeping minus the monitors around her and the bandage wrapped around her head. I wanted to break down but I knew I needed to be strong for her and our child.
I carefully sat down in the chair next to her bed, reaching for her hand, holding it gently and placing a delicate kiss on her bruised knuckles.
“Oh mon amour” I whispered “I need you to wake up, not just for me but for our child” I said still whispering slightly even if no one was around “You’re my whole world, I cant lose you, either of you” I said placing a hand on her bump.
-
There was no movement or any change for the first few hours, I was starting to lose hope so I went to the one place I thought might be able to help.
I quietly walked into the prayer room, taking a seat in one of the back isles. I wasn’t an overly religious person which was why I wasn’t here for God but rather someone else.
“Jules, if you can hear me I need you to do me a favour” I started closing my eyes “Please please pull some strings and do what you can up there to help her and our baby, I cant lose them too” I said as I felt a tear fall from my eye
“As much as I know you’d take care of them up there, I don’t want that” I continued opening my eyes and wiping the tears that started to fall “Just please, you and Papa, I need you two to help us out down here” I finished before getting up and walking back to her hospital room.
-
Y/N’s POV
Everything hurt. I felt this weight on me but I couldn’t figure out if it was really there or if my body just felt heavy. I used every bit of strength I had to try and open my eyes which wasn’t easy, especially with this weight on me.
Eventually the light started to shine through and after a couple blinks my eyes focused on a white ceiling. I couldn’t move my head too much but I was able to take a glance around me, I was in a hospital.
I thought back to the last thing I remembered and suddenly it all came rushing back, where I was going, starting to cross the street, the impact of the car, then after that it goes dark.
I noticed a head on my lap, confused at first but then soon realized it belonged to my boyfriend. He must’ve been sleeping. More of the day came back to me; texting him before the race, not being able to watch it.
My throat was extremely raw but between my slight movement and struggling to take a few breaths I was able to muster out his name which got his attention immediately.
“Oh my love youre awake” he said, I saw tears forming in his eyes “Wait here drink some water, the doctor said it might hurt to talk at first” he said as he leaned over grabbing a cup from the bedside table, helping me drink the water. It helped with the raw feeling.
“Thank you” I said softly “What happened?” I asked even though I remembered some of what had actually happened.
“You were in an accident. Someone hit you with their car, the paramedics said your head was bleeding when they arrived on scene and it caused a bleed in your brain but the surgeons were able to stop it” he started explaining what happened after it went dark.
“You also have a couple broken ribs but they’ll heal with time” he finished stroking my face
“I was so scared when I got the call. I don’t think I’ve ever moved so fast to get out of the paddock before” he told me softly. I could tell he was barely holding it together.
“Im okay. Im here” I reassured him taking his hand squeezing it so he knew this was real, he nodded.
“What about the baby? Is the baby okay?” I asked suddenly as I glanced at my bump
“They haven’t been able to do an ultrasound without you awake but they aren’t sure, they said we should be prepared for the worst” he told me sadly. I sighed, there was no way this could be happening. Before we could say anything more to each other, my surgeon came in
“Oh Miss Y/L/N, it’s lovely to see you awake” he smiled at me, I did my best to smile back, he had saved my life after all.
“Im assuming your boyfriend told you everything I passed along to him so I wont bore you with the details again” he continued “I will say your broken ribs should take about 6 weeks to heal and you’ll have to come back for weekly checkups for your head until we can be sure it hasn’t started bleeding again” he went through his doctor notes.
I nodded along with him “And one last thing, I’ve called the on call obstetrcian to come and do an ultrasound to see the status of your baby. She should be here any minute and once she’s done, depending on what she finds we may have to take follow up steps but we wont go down that road now. I’ll send a nurse in after the ultrasounds done to check on your vitals and then we can talk about discharge” he finished. I thanked him before he left.
“Mon amour are you okay? Thats a lot to take in” Charles asked gently holding my hand
“Yeah yeah I’m okay, I just don’t know what we’ll do if we lost the baby” I shared with him using my other hand to rest on my bump
“We’ll figure it out together” he told me leaning over and leaving a kiss on my forehead.
-
After a few minutes passed, another doctor came in
“Hi I’m Doctor Smith” she introduced herself as she wheeled in an ultrasound machine with her “Lets see what’s going on with your little one” she said trying to be optimistic although everyone knew the results may not be good.
I carefully lifted my gown up to reveal my stomach where she squeezed the ultrasound gel on then used the wand to move it around, turning the machine on.
Charles held my hand, not sure if he realized how tightly he was holding it but it didn’t matter I was squeezing his hand just as tightly.
The room was silent while Dr. Smith continued to move the wand around starting to get a bit nervous until suddenly the silence was filled with a heartbeat.
At first we didn’t know if we had heard it correctly but then she moved the wand slightly over and the heartbeat became louder and clearer. I let out a breath I didn't even realize I was holding in and felt the tears falling.
When I turned to Charles he was also crying. I did my best to pull him closely to hug him, he wrapped his arm around me kissing my head. “They’re okay. They’re okay” he said as I nodded against him.
“You have a very strong and healthy little boy here, I don’t see anything to be concerned about” Dr. Smith told us
We pulled away from each other and looked at her “Did you say boy?” I asked. She suddenly became aware of what she had said
“Oh im sorry did you not want to know?” she asked, I shook my head,
“No no it’s okay, we just hadn’t gotten around to finding out yet” I explained as happy tears continued to fall.
She smiled at me “I’ll give you a moment and then I’ll be back with your surgeon” she told us as she used a cloth to wipe the gel off my stomach and then left the room, leaving the ultrasound machine in the corner.
“Charles we’re having a boy” I said to him seeing he was in shock “Are you okay?” I asked worried since he hadnt said anything
“Oh yeah i’m okay mon amour, I’m just taking everything in, I was so worried we had lost him” he told me
“Come here” I said carefully moving over remembering about the broken ribs “No mon amour you shouldn’t move” he quickly said
“Charles please come sit with me” I asked him, he saw the look in my eyes and knew there was no point in arguing so he carefully got up and sat next to me on the bed, being mindful of my broken ribs and the wires.
I looked at him “We’re all okay, me you and our little boy” I reassured him placing his hand on my bump, he nodded.
“I love you so much” he told me kissing my head again
“We love you just as much” I said back to him closing my eyes and enjoying being in his arms, knowing our baby was okay and eventually I’d be okay too.
"Oh wait how did the race go?" I asked suddenly remembering, opening my eyes and looking at him
He chuckled slightly "I got P2" he told me a small smile appearing on his face. I gave him a similar smile back and kissed his cheek carefully
"Another thing to be happy about, congrats baby" I told him putting my head back on his shoulder as he entertained our hands together and kissed the top of my head.
There may have been some obstacles thrown our way and more to come but together we could face anything.
-
thanks for reading, i hope you liked it. i wanted to write something other than pure fluff so i hope this does well. let me know your thoughts and feel free to add yourself to my taglist for my future works <3
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