#im actually talking less to him now

[mueritos]

trying to be more accepting of the likelihood I am autistic, I feel ive been having this constant back and forth conversation with myself for the past 2 years about it. "you can go to school, be a therapist for people, run errands, win awards, and somehow fit 2 jobs into all of that" and I use that as proof that I am NOT autistic...however, realizing i lose an entire weekend for a trip? distress. fire alarm goes off in the middle of the night and leaves me trembling, crying, and forced to recover? oh boy i wonder why that happened. feeling confused and like i'm constantly missing something when people express themselves in class or in the workplace? hm, it's almost as if I struggle to not take their language literally.

i don't think i've ever been allowed to be "disabled" by whatever neurodivergency and its symptomology, like, ever. god speed any other neurodivergent children of immigrants, but i don't feel allowed to let any cluster of disturbances or schedule changes or social conundrums disable me. I mean, they can affect me privately, where I am forced to stim and cry and process all on my own. But unfortunately i cannot look like the misshapen freak I feel I am, or well, as least not appear so in a socially unacceptable way.

it's funny i carry so much shame. i am unmasking in ways i never thought i could. i am allowing myself to take things literally with people, and I am allowing myself to ask more questions. "what did you mean by that?" "why did you use that word to describe that?" "can you rephrase that?" it's funnier that I am at such a queer and neurodiverse internship; nearly all of the other clinical staff have some sort of diagnosis (usually adhd/ocd/with flavors of trauma), and we all serve a population of the queerest and most neurodiverse students. i feel SO happy when I see a student and they refuse to make eye contact with me, because I take it as an invitation to NOT look them in the eye too! i tell students during our sessions feel free to stim, here's a weighted plushie you can hold, sit where you like, would you like to pace, should I dim the lights? it is even funnier that i am a neurodivergent clinician working with neurodivergent people, and half the time I dont even follow the same advice I give my clients!

i worry about what my life will look like when i've graduated. my master's will say, "hey, this guy is a clinical social worker and is now ready to be your therapist! or caseworker! whatever they have you people do nowadays!" and I don't think i feel ready to enter any workforce. how on earth will i manage my life and wellbeing doing this 40 hours a week? like wtf? ugh.

i dunno. these r just rambles and perhaps im just seeking some sort of comfort from other autistic people, especially because it feels like i have very few autistic people in my life. i know a lot of the validation i seek will be "resolved" if i seek out an official diagnosis, but I don't have time or $ for that. nor do I think I want one for a number of reasons. I should just continue working on my own self-esteem when it comes to most likely being autistic.

oh well

[imavikingo]

I said this in tags on another post, but it’s relevant and deserves its own post (I should be reading my usual pre- sleeping fic selection, BUT! I had this revelation -being sleepy is useful once again! -)

They NEEDED Steve to disappear, to be gone. To never care about Bucky anymore. That way they could treat Bucky as they see fit, and that means treating him like shit.

Steve would NEVER accept or allow Bucky to make amends, he would NEVER let the government take care of Bucky or be part of his “rehabilitation” in any way shape or form. That’s why he became Nomad, that’s why Bucky stayed in Wakanda. He would had fight with teeth and nails for Bucky.

“He died already more than once! He was a victim! A prisoner of war. He saved the fucking universe. What the fuck do you mean with amends!”

He became a wanted criminal for that same reason, to not let them have Bucky (nor other people in a fucking watchlist)

They needed Steves relationship with Bucky to become bitter, to be nothing more than a memory.

Steve being in retirement wouldn’t have cut it and…

Bucky was always going to follow Steve, no matter what.

So they needed him to stay alone (or with a companion that didn’t really care as much as Steve, enter Sam)

This way they killed two birds with one stone in Endgame: Reinforcing Steves “love” for Peggy, because “he’s NOT gay, you guys!”, and the partial isolation of Bucky.

[skitskatdacat63]

Timeswap!Vettonso(I blame @ayceeofspades for this)

Thoughts:

References HEHEHEHE:

So the dynamics would be: STR!Seb x Aston!Fernando and Post-Retirement!Seb x Ferarri!Fernando(~2011-2012)

The former would be a Seb who is very hungry for Fernando's attention, but now he's with a Fernando is actually now very willing to give him that attention. Fernando is constantly repeating in his head: "Don't fuck the twink don't fuck the twink don't fuck the twink", but every time they end up on the podium together, Seb always ends up being all over him and "accidentally" groping him. So Seb is still a brat but is with a Fernando who's not gonna just be cold to him but will indulge him instead 🤭

The latter is more angsty AAAHHH!! Cause its a Fernando who is in Ferrari hell and Seb who is post-catharsis. And to quote C, Fernando is like "why are you so happy??? Did you win!?" and Seb responds: "no :)" But also I am not immune to Seb being coy and playing with Fernando. He now understands why Fernando was the way he was back then because he's now gone through the same thing with Ferrari, but also wants him to stop being so gloomy and angsty about it.

Don't ask about how these AUs work, just know that they have knowledge of what their original counterparts were like so it's weird for the younger versions to get to see what ends up happening to the other, and then allows the olders to gain a new perspective instead of their biased memories(i.e.: "you're not who I was villainizing you as in my head" = both of them realize that they were building the other up as such an antagonist in their head but then, oh, he's just like me fr)(but for younger Seb, Fernando realizes Seb just wanted to be friends :( and so now he's trying to be more of a mentor.)

[bonetrousledbones]

Can you tell us your the reasons for why you like Papyrus? (I’m sure you’ve did this before xd, but I always enjoyed rambles about Papyrus. Hope you’re well!)

oh it is 100% his whole loneliness thing. growing up i was a chronic friend group hopper all the way from kindergarten to 8th grade and then by high school that didn't work anymore so i just kinda didn't have any genuine friends for basically that entire 4 years. so hyperfixating so hard on a character who's basically completely centered around that struggle helped me feel a bit less hopeless about it. the funny thing is i think pre-undertale papyrus actually had more friends than i did back then but like its the little things

that's why this fic that i'm gonna plug again hit me so hard tbh. shit sucks when you're trying so so hard to be friendly and engage in other people and then you get to a point where you have to realize they're not at all interested in returning the favor, even if they're not overtly rude about it or anything, they just don't care to get to know you any deeper than surface level convenience and it gets real hard to not let yourself get angsty about it lmao

i do think that while sometimes i wish i hadn't been given such free internet access as a kid i'm still really lucky that i was able to be exposed to undertale when i was. it's such a unapologetically hopeful game that i'm sure it absolutely impacted the way that i think about things today in terms of optimism and the ability to turn bad situations around, and papyrus plays a huuuge part of that entire message. if it weren't for him, i'm honestly not sure if i would've had the drive to keep trying to connect with other people even when it didn't work for so long.

so tl;dr thank you funny little skeleton man for constantly reminding me that making friends is still possible even when your demeanor is frankly weird as fuck. sometimes you just gotta keep truckin until you find your people even if it takes a while

[moth-flowers]

moth-flowers #17

[socksandbuttons]

Anyway

Todays episodes

Idk

I dont know what the future one was trying to tell me

But poor puppet trying to get info and everyones like WTF

like an alternate future that dosnt help at all

[quietwingsinthesky]

the last unicorn post from earlier has me thinking about the master. that yana is still in there, you know? is still someone he was, if even for a brief flash across the life of a time lord. there’s no way to unlive that life. there are ways to twist it later, sure, to make utopia into hell on earth. but the life was lived. in much the same way that the doctor can remember, can feel, the love he held onto as john smith even as that life is ripped out of his hands. the doctor choose denial and then grief and then to shutter it all away. and so john smith died, and so professor yana died, and the doctor and the master live on. the doctor has done this before, and he lives in orbit around humanity, trying to keep the best parts of them and hold them deep enough to take root (which he can pretend he gets to choose, as a time lord. as a human, it all floods in and can’t be dug back out.) but what about the master, right?

to borrow a turn of phrase: i think there are two time lords left in the universe, and they both learned how to regret.

[al-luviec]

still haven't moved on from zane in this episode (aka I hit tag limit again and am unhappy about it)

[rainingincale]

.

[3416]

I know it's prob pretty frustrating with the mitch narratives ppl have been spewing recently but the amazon doc is pretty harmless imo it reads to me as centering willys fire and desire to win a lot more than any negative thing about Mitch/Auston and ppl can say what they want (😭as they do) but it's nice to finally have willy shed the narrative of "not caring" and being "soft" so it's kinda weird to me how often you downplay his journey and his role for the team. not coming after you, it's just that he's also a leaf superstar that frankly got the shit end of the stick for almost his whole tenure here - more than Mitch!and he's finally come out the other side (and I wish neither of them did! but :// Toronto)

i don't personally find willy that compelling as a personality and i think his fans have to make up a lot of stuff just to try to shoehorn him into any interesting dynamics and narratives on the team (if one more person says he has daddy issues.. lolol). he can be his giggly harmless self overall, but i'm tired of hearing about how his range is in the same sentence with mitch and auston bc it's not from a hockey perspective, lol. you can love him best and evaluate him however you want, but i think he was just given a contract that is a slight overpayment and i'm sitting here having to hear abt how mitch marner is being overpaid on his current contract now knowing he's gonna be asking for prob over a million more than willy rightfully so like give me a break. i get that the discourse doesn't get to everyone, so good for you i guess, but seeing ppl gas him up to put mitch down naturally sours stuff for me, lol, and i'm tired of him being talked abt as some clutch savior when really.. last playoffs was inadvertently a microcosm of his play in general. "clutch" maybe but inconsistent (by no fault of his own in the playoffs w the migraines obv) which results in it being pointless in the end. i think some people have higher ceilings than others and all of them are doing what they can do most nights. judging effort level isn't my job, so it is what it is. i don't think he's soft/uncaring/lazy, but i find some things about his play and the way ppl constantly gas it up frustrating for sure.

i'm not even saying i think willy's part of the doc is filled with any storylines making any crazy statements against my guys or whatever. from what i've seen, it's just pretty surface fluff we already know about him. the stuff on the bench is nothing and didn't change my opinion about him, lol, but this is my blog and i'm venting my frustration about the way ppl were treating mitch bc of that moment as some character reflection. i haven't been a maple leaf fan since all these guys were drafted... but in the last few years, willy def has not been treated worse than mitch, so lol. sorry i can't retroactively care about the insults hurled at younger nylander (or critique of his game some of which was earned) lol, but i do think there are flaws to willy's game that are more annoying than the guys i chose as faves. i'm not some arbiter of maple leafs history, and i'm allowed to genuinely believe he's not as important as other people. you'll live with your opinions and version too. i'm sure i'm not changing your mind and i'm sorry it's not kumbaya over here atm. it will go back to normal after mitch extends and the heat's off probably, lol, idk.

[sluttyten]

personal rant

[theriverpointace]

i feel like i'm reblogging a lot of bmc stuff and like. let me be clear i currently do not listen to bmc or even think about it all that often. i just think you guys have incredible takes and i agree with you.

listen idk what i'm doing. i don't even properly go here anymore. i have different "they're my Little Guys (gn)" nowadays. but my first four mutuals from this site still post about bmc and they're so right about everything they say, yk?? like it's been eight months or something since i listened to the bmc soundtrack, idk what's canon anymore, but if my good friends are going to put all of this delightful fic and art and analysis and all the things onto my dashboard then who the hell am i to not reblog it??

and yeah, there is some creeping suspicion in my mind that everything i see about bmc is some elaborate goncharov-esque thing inspired by the musical which an ever-shrinking attachment to the original. and i adore it. i love it because my friends do. i think everything they say is exactly right honestly. if/when i ever go back to bmc, the music will have all of this fabulous new Lore to go with it that i never could have come up with on my own because it's the result of people who love this objectively poor musical making it into something so much better.

@theabyssgazesalsointoyou, @rising-above-stars, @rad-rat-with-a-tophat, and @lunaryuwu: this is for yall. i love you. i think you guys are geniuses (genii) who have made be more chill into something so much cooler than it used to be. to every other bmc artist, writer, analyst, or other who has helped them and talked with them and been a part of it too, yall are cool too! don't get me wrong! there are so many other Good BMC Blogs i can think of that have added to my current perception of the show and fandom; so many names i see over and over that i don't check out bc simply put, i am not into bmc any more. but abyss, lara, rat, and luna, you guys really shaped it for me. so thanks.

and to other fandom creators, take this as a lesson: even if your source is bad. even if your fandom's insane or scary. even if you're primarily interested in the background characters. you can have an exceptionally fun fandom experience, and you can give one to other people as well. just Go For It. good luck.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[crystalkitty1220]

Man I wonder where the leader of the fear realm could've gone, it's alMOST LIKE NEVIN HAS AN

[stuffedsand]

for the violence ask game: 8 common fandom opinion everyone is wrong about. for milgram. i know exactly what you're going to say i just want to see you go off again

Hiii bestie. You do know what I'm about to talk about. Yippee

Disclaimer that this whole essay is like. For fun and how I say things is ramped up to be funny. I don't mind if you disagree w me cuz like that's the nature of things! We disagree but we can get along.

Anyways short answer for people who don't wanna see the essay: organ harvesting theory. This is about shidou.

Idk how prevalent it is rn since not many people even talk about shidou but it was prevalent enough in June when I got into milgram that I believed it for a bit anyways the rest in under the cut cuz I'm insane sorrg

SO the main reason I think the theory is WRONG (hyperbole‼️) is because I just think it's unrealistic. Man works in a hospital in Japan. How would he pull it off. Scuff an operation bad enough to cause braindeath/death and I'm p sure they suspend your medical licence, if he participated in an organ harvesting operation pre-family-accident his case would then be black and white cuz he was doing it in complete sound mind with no regard for human life. Also it wouldn't justify the extreme reaction he's had to realizing, specifically, "what I've been robbing people of" (t1 voice trailer), and he wouldn't have as heavy a focus on the relatives' feelings and reactions. At least story writing wise it'd make less sense since it doesn't allude to anything if that's the end goal? Imo at least. Idk maybe this is because I really like tragedies in media. Also because it'd be a really disproportionately severe crime compared to every other direct murderer???? Like. We have strangled someone, stabbed someone, bludgeoning, bludgeoning, kicked someone to death. Organ harvesting looks cartoony in this context. It's also not a very prevelant issue in Japan iirc.

Also to prove my point further. If we use this theories the murders would be

Strangling, abortion??????, cyber bullying, stabbing, organ harvesting, toxic r/s, telling the truth (lmao), bludgeoning, bludgeoning, bludgeoning (minus weapon). Organ harvesting is goofy cuz it seems so.... Extreme,,,,,,,

ALSSOOOOO funny point. If he's not directly involved in his murder (as in, unintentional and indirect) that makes 5 direct and 5 indirect. Silly.

Also also his murder seems somewhat tied to how he feels about his job itself ("I wanted to contribute to society (about his career choice)/I had thought my work was a contribution to society", use of past tense) and to me it reads like hes disillusioned w his job esp since his reason for getting a highly sought after, high paying and high social ranking job is "I wanted to contribute to society". Doctors with that empathy can be affected by the death around them more severely and I think that's a fun topic to look at

I count this under "common fandom opinion" cuz it was common enough around June (whenyours truesly got into milgram) that I believed it. I mean I introduced shidou to my friend (hello clown) as "maybe Dr malpractice. Organ harvesting dude" and said friend (hello again clown) is also the one who's heard me bash the organ harvesting theory like 6 times at least now so. Yippee.

Take none of this seriously I just got off a plane and am so very eepy. If you like the organ harvesting theory good for you!!!!!!!💥💥💥💥💥 you do you bestie !!!!!!!!!!!!!! I literally do not think less of anyone who believes that theory I just personally dont lmao

[thwackk]

kinda want a summary of the morals of Henry Danger discussion...

I mostly talked about one thing because I saw one post from like 4 years ago that pissed me off LMAO. And it’s not that deep, but i’m making it that deep for a minute:

So long story short, I got mad at people treating Ray like he’s some bad and horrible person for allowing Henry to basically sign his life away at 13 years old. Now obviously, that’s not a good thing or responsible. But we gotta remember that Ray got his powers at a MUCH younger age than when Henry started and was basically forced into the superhero gig by his father and quite literally MISSED OUT on having a childhood. So i’m pretty sure this guy doesn’t know shit abt acting normal, or having normal morals, and he definitely doesn’t know shit abt kids.

He’s been living in a cave fighting crime mostly by himself for like 20+ years like fucking batman or whatever, of course he’s not normal. Yeah this is irresponsible, but he didn’t really know how BAD it was. Also bringing up the fact that Henry had the choice to leave or quit literally any time, Ray was never FORCING him to be there. Henry loved it most of the time, and he got a good friend/mentor figure out of it. He’s not the greatest, but he’s not a bad one, and one he genuinely loves and cares abt, and vice versa.

It’s like saying batman is a horrible father and then acting like he’s completely evil, like it doesn’t make sense. Yeah Batman’s a bad father that’s true, BUT IT MAKES COMPLETE SENSE OF COURSE HE’S A BAD FATHER, LOOK AT THAT GUY. That doesn’t make him evil or mean that he doesn’t love his kids genuinely. (there are some versions of batman out there that do NOT make sense however but I am just bringing this up to make a shitty point). An extremely unfair point actually because Ray didn’t adopt henry first of all, and he’s SIGNIFICANTLY kinder, more patient, and emotionally available to this kid. they are genuinely friends, it’s a pretty healthy relationship.

anyways, gist of it is that just because an adult logically knows better (usually) doesn’t mean they are going to make good choices about it all the time. No adult actually feels like an adult, and no adult is right about everything so stop expecting them to be in fiction. that’s unrealistic, stop putting characters on pedestals they’re allowed to be human and do bad things sometimes because that’s what human beings DO.

does this mean it’s excused?? NO, all i’m saying is that we gotta stop being immature abt characters and expecting them to be perfect, it makes them infinitely more interesting that way.