#ill probably be able to keep getting therapy. probably

[larnax]

i was gonna make a joke about it but uhhh yeah my dad lost his job. my stepmoms covering our utilities but i no longer have any kind of insurance so all my ongoing medical stuff is either gonna get cut off in a month or is already cut off. including stuff like HRT & sleep meds. so thats bad.

[pillowenvelopchair]

Hey guys!! this is just my insane ramble on Still Waters Run Deep that's made by the lovely @un-local. I've had so so sooooo many thoughts about this fic and I decided to try and put it all coherently in a post :)

Probably not a lot of new insights, just many, many rambles

Magdalene analysis and her view on Rogier + some other stuff

Magdalene, at the start of the story, is aimless and refuses to follow any line of Grace, putting off whatever it leads to and going in the opposite direction. Yet Grace is fickle, and it all eventually converges, so she gives in. (aaaand a life-changing partnership ensues)

She wants out of the competition of becoming Elden Lord, and she wants nothing to do with it. Someone else to take lordship is what she wants. Magdalene, in her eyes, is not worthy to take the throne. But Rogier on the other hand…

Rogier is, quite literally, built different. He thinks differently compared to Magdalene (a STR vs INT user difference lol). He’s able to pick out all the details that she would miss. Be able to extrapolate and examine it all and be able to learn from it. Magdalene can't do that.

It's basically:

Rogier: says some fun facts about the most random thing in the room, saying all the history behind it, and what the tiny details could mean Magdalene: yeah, that's a rock.

So instead, she becomes a tool for Rogier to be able to use, because that's the least she can do for him.

“She can already feel the faint grin forming on her lips at the thought. She never wanted to be Elden Lord. She’d finally picked up and followed grace to... to get away, with no idea what it called her to do. When Melina told her where it led her, she felt only dread. But Rogier... To save Those Who Live in Death... Two birds, one stone. She meets his eyes, and doesn’t look away. In them, she doesn’t see pride, or avarice. She doesn't see a man who wants to rule the world. Not at all. The path forward is clear now.” -Chapter 22

For once, she really sees a light from the dark future she sees. She's hopeful that she won't have to take the throne, that Rogier can burden it instead of her. He's worthy in her eyes and because of that, she devotes herself to him with all she can do. (Ah but… I believe Rogier wants her to be Elden Lord? Not sure but her not wanting to be Elden Lord doesn’t quite fit with what he has planned)

Magdalene really holds onto Rogier, and his guidance (a comfort wizard, if you will). And so the idea that he won’t make it… that she’ll be left alone with Grace again, forced to join back into the competition for lordship... It's sickening to her. So she really clings to him, desperate to not be left alone with a destiny that she despises.

Magdalene is always pulled into different directions. Grace pulls her to one but she pulls herself to the opposite one. Fia and D are both on extreme sides of the spectrum on Rogier's survival, and Magdalene is caught right in the middle of it.

But for her, Rogier will survive, he has to survive otherwise... that light, that small hope she has will all fade into obscurity.

Ghosts from the past (Lorens and Ida)

I absolutely love how something, or rather, someone haunts both of them.

Lorens had been the catalyst of all of what Rogier does now. Why he’s so desperate to save those who live in death. He's literally devoted his body and mind to Lorens just to see him alive (maybe Rogier's devoting all of himself to finding a solution to death because he wants it to come back to the old times when it was just him and Lorens in the Rise, or maybe not!! I'm just rambling lol).

Every thought of Lorens is painted with a sort of bittersweetness to it. From Rogier's perspective, at the very least (I'm super curious as to how Lorens would view Rogier but we'll probably never get it because... you know...). He's almost obsessed with him, and it's all pretty unhealthy lol.

Magdalene, who’s haunted by Ida who's probably a sort of lover that hadn't been fully brought to fruition. Different opinions on what they have had made Magdalene leave with (from what I have seen at least, we have scrapes of her, people! I can't wait to see more of Ida though)

Now with Ida... Magdalene absolutely shakes herself out of every thought she has about Ida. Spurning every single thought or imagination she has of that woman.

"Nausea comes in waves. Fever. She can feel delirium taking her—she’s convinced she’s submerged in the very waters of creation, for a while. She vividly feels herself sinking deeper and deeper into a current; cold and dark and inescapable. As it pulls her down, she’s overcome with the instinct to breathe it in— Against her temple she feels a hand, with gentle fingers dragging softly through her hair. Suddenly, every layer of the dream collapses in on itself, and she jolts awake with a gasp.  Here, in Liurnia, she hauls herself up, rubbing at her face. Even the memory is a shock of cold water to her. She’s a woman haunted." -Chapter 23

(I just really love this part- I can't help it)

I think it's also really interesting how Magdalene leaves Ida due to their differences in what they have (?) while Rogier just absolutely hangs onto Lorens no matter what, despite him being... er... him. Not so sure about his personality with the small flashbacks we get of him but he’s probably not good for Rogier.

In short, Rogier venerates Lorens, while Magdalene absolutely rejects Ida. (Opposites!)

Rogier’s overthinking

Also found it interesting that when Rogier thinks he really thinks. He's a professional overthinker, even in the past

"He thinks of the labyrinthian etiquette, the way he’d triple-check every sentence for a double meaning. The secrets, the ruthless political schemes. It all felt like a spider’s web to him. He’d learned the game, and he played it well, but it had been nothing but paranoia and misery for him. Just like it was for everyone else." -Chapter 17

It's what's kept him alive (Ch. 17), and what's been able to pave the way for his findings Yet, it’s also his curse. He tries to pick out every detail that he can and think of every possible reason or motivation. Every single outcome he just needs to know so that he won't get caught by surprise again. He needs to be in control of the situation, he needs to be the master of the chessboard.

Oh and once this guy spirals, he really spirals. He starts thinking and looking at details, rewinding every single thing, every interaction, and trying to label a reason for every little thing. Yet... something emotional seems to break the surface of the water.

I personally think that he was raised to overthink. He was a noble after all, and he dealt with politics. He truly needed to check, double check, triple check, every single sentence and word in case it would have a double meaning. "He’d learned the game, and he played it well" (Ch. 17) . Getting worse after Lorens' death, being fooled by "Only a cut." (Ch. 25) and seeing the aftermath of it.

He can't not do it because if he doesn't, and he gets surprised it would break him (or at the very least, freak him out).

ALSO!! Rogier hating on "saccharine conversations" (Ch. 17) good lord. This guy cannot be real with anyone. Rogier refuses to show vulnerability because:

1. He was raised like that (the whole attachment theory thing) 2. He will absolutely break if he does

Do you guys remember when Fia tells Magdalene that "dear Rogier began to weep as he spoke" (Ch.14)? Fia saw through Rogier's walls through the cracks and he just absolutely breaks down. (Get yourself a man who, after "embracing" tells you all about this thing he's obsessed about and then cries because of it)

It's a mortifying ordeal, that someone's able to see through the walls you've meticulously put up. It hits something deep within that he’s tried to bury.

Despite the walls he puts up people other than Fia see through them. Magdalene (Ch.7) was able to see through the small cracks that have broken, and Roderika... hoo she really hit a nerve didn’t she? (But it also hit one of her nerves too, Rogier vs Roderika am I right?)

Chapter 17 analysis

Also, while we’re on the topic of Roderika, let's talk about chapter 17! Seems I have a lot to talk about.

I absolutely love this chapter so much, it gives us so much insight into Rogier's backstory and the way he thinks. His noble background really shines through here, with how he acts with Roderika who is a fellow ex-noble too.

"His grin is wide and carefree, but it rather feels like he's baring his teeth.  There’s no room for your pity here." -Chapter 17

This guy cannot accept any sign of sympathy/compassion with anyone. It's all pity to him, and he absolutely hates pity. Once Roderika starts to console him too it sickens him and it makes him bare his teeth like an animal, his baser instinct showing just a little bit.

He’s probably bore his teeth to other nobles in the court, or whatever meetings they have with one another. Small threats that get the message across by a vicious smile, is something he is all too familiar with.

I also think that it's a little bit funny how he gives advice to Roderika but then is also a little bit of a hypocrite about it

“It’s hard, to leave it behind. But the old world will keep its claws in you, if you let it.” -Chapter 17

Rogier while it's not his past life that he's stuck but rather, he is stuck on Lorens. Even though Rogier is no longer Lorens' student, even though Lorens is dead, he still has his claws on Rogier. It's his entire motivation, why he's in a "pathetic" state now. He isn't letting those claws go, he lets them dig deeper within him, and they dig in deep.

“You already have it within you," he says. "They were only trying to bury it.” -Chapter 17

Rogier immediately buries his own emotions in this interaction when Roderika tries to console him lol. Just based off of him being an ex-noble and his whole family thing, it's well established that he is very much used to burying it all down his gullet. I mean, is it really Rogier without emotional suppression?

Also Rogier tends to close off all the matters that relate to what he feels in his dialogue both in game and in SWRD. This guy cannot let out just a slight moment of vulnerability

A Color Theory Thing on my read on Rogier's garb:

Rogier, with his background being grounded in nobility has suppressed his baser desires in exchange for meaningless political schemes that have only brought him misery. Yet after coming to these lands, he finds himself with Lorens.

He wears a Raya Lucarian Robe and it has red on it. It's a sign of baser instincts being shown for once. He has grown an infatuation with Lorens despite being his student.

Yet, Rogier is still mostly blue, and he still suppresses that baser desire that he’s developed, that infatuation for Lorens. He never once builds up the courage to be able to tell Lorens what he feels. He would always bury those feelings down, and as a result he can't let go of it. It's far too deep to be buried back up.

But once Lorens has died, Rogier changes too.

He exchanges those garbs for yellow and turquoise (I think?). He's a mix of colors and beliefs.

He still has the blue in the turquoise, which symbolizes calm, intelligence, and emotional control (you can’t spell Rogier without emotional control) But turquoise isn't just blue, it also has green.

Green represents growth, life, and new beginnings. This is a new beginning for Rogier, who's set out for a new goal, to be able to save those who live in death (and perhaps give them life? Not so sure on that but in SWRD that seems to be the case with Lorens).

It's balanced by yellow. Creativity and originality, he's almost the only person we meet who wants to save TWLID. Not only that but yellow also symbolizes illness, which could be a foreshadowing of what happens to him later in his life.

It's not just sickness though, yellow also symbolizes deception. Rogier lies, but I necessarily think he's someone who is always deceptive. He's more like the type of guy who would lie so that an encounter would go well or not hurt someone else's feelings. I think he's like that from that whole ex-nobility thing he's got going on. Political schemes and lying through a smile is something that he's familiar with. (It also doesn't help that he keeps being emotionally suppressed too lol)

Cowardice is another. Rogier is scared to tell anyone about his emotions, to take that risk of being honest with someone. His background in nobility and his family definitely doesn't help either.

Rogier had been too scared to be true to Lorens and tell him his feelings, and because of that, he would never be able to. I feel like he's avoided it even more afterward. He refuses to take that jump of being honest with someone, whether it's about his emotions or his ideals, he doesn't let them go.

But when he does? With D, it completely breaks off everything they've had. Everything that they could have been.

"Beguiled fool. A rotten, sick bastard. Fouled by them. A wicked, two-faced user. Heartless. Loathsome parasite. How could he? Were they not supposed to set this crooked world straight? Profane. A perversion of honor. A madman." -Chapter 5

“Get out of my sight.” “I’m sorry.” He’d said, and he was. But Darian’s lips curled back, and he jerked his head away and locked his eyes on the horizon. His jaw twitched, in the moment he took to reply.  “Don’t talk to me.” There was nothing he could do to fix this. To undo his mistakes, to spare Darian his intentions." -Chapter 5

It's all gone because he had been honest about his goals (presumably). This experience probably strengthened that emotional suppression so as to not be hurt/caught by surprise.

So when Magdalene, someone who wholeheartedly accepts his ideals and sees his side for once, he's cautious. He can't believe that someone can genuinely agree with him because all the times that he has been honest, he's been punished for it. (though, he reminds himself that she's not like that)

In short, this guy's a mixed bag. A mixed bag with problems

(basing this off of the Elden Ring color theory video, it was an absolute joy to watch)

[EDIT]: idk what to call this section but he seems to seek out some form of approval. Lets see how that ties in with his grief!

"He still doesn’t understand why. What did he do, specifically? Or was he just past his usefulness? Deemed unfit to rule? He never truly wanted to rule as Lord, but to be cast aside so indifferently—it had shaken him.  Every now and then he fumbles with this, again and again, but he knows. He does. He knows that grace has forsaken him for good reason. He’s a heretic. An apostate. He who does not obediently bow before a faltering, decrepit Order, so ill-equipped to handle the world as it is. " -Chapter 5

"All these years. Couldn’t change a thing. Rather pathetic, I’d say—what a fool, thinking that this crooked world could be made right by mortal hands. Sure, deathblight. Truly, a fitting end for a worthless, rotten bastard." -Chapter 12

Now, speaking from some personal experience, being raised in a family that's of nobility and expects so much out of you from a young age definitely breeds some kind of self-worth issues that really stick with you. Especially if you haven't had anyone to truly support you.

Because of that, I believe that Rogier, in a way, is trying to prove his worth. But not to the Order, I think that he's in some way trying to please Lorens. Even in death.

He puts everything into his studies of Death, searching and scouring for scraps of information just to give him a single lead on anything, and for what?

"Its fulfillment will be a selfish act of altruism. These crooked lands will set right, by his hands, for a reward of nothing at all. But make no mistake: he needs another day. And another after that, and another after that. He needs his questions answered with questions, he needs his notes corrected in an unreadable hand, he needs to hear one more “Well—” followed by the most opaque, convoluted tangle of sentences ever constructed. There’s no reward he seeks, but the warm smile of cold gray eyes and a scoff about just what he’s wearing nowadays. " -Chapter 19

Rogier devotes himself to saving TWLID (saving Lorens, in reality), but it's not because it's all for selfless reasons, he seems to want things to go back to the way things used to be. Back at the Rise, with just him and Lorens once more.

I don't think Rogier ever accepted Lorens' death. He's determined to bring back Lorens, desperately trying to find a solution to bring him back no matter what.

And it’s quite hypocritical isnt it? That Rogier wants to change the Order to be able to sort of… revive Lorens from Death. To go back to the old times that they both had had.

This guy refuses to grieve and is searching (desperately) for a solution for a dead man who's probably not even good for him. Get this man some therapy

This entire post's summary is just me going:

Anyway, that's all for my crazy rambles! I can't wait to see how SWRD will progress, and how everyone will intermingle and grow with one another (Rogier and Mags)!!!! :0)

Have some doodles + a WIP that I'll probably never finish as a treat for reading this! (Mag's torso was wayyy too long on the second one oops)

(bonus boggart because I love him)

[no-passaran]

Same goes not just for mental health, but also any kind of physical health and particularly anything related to gynaecology and I assume also andrology.

fun fact (not fun at all fact actually) :

aromanticism and asexuality are still treated as issues to be fixed in most therapy settings, at least in the western psychiatric institution. i cannot fucking mention my aromanticism or asexuality to a therapist or it’ll immediately become their primary concern and goal to fix. whether or not i have a partner/am trying to have a partner is actively being used as an indicator of my wellness, regardless of if i WANT one. i cannot have access to needed mental health ressources because of fear of conversion therapy. aro and/or ace conversion therapy is the norm in most psychiatric institutions and we are getting told by the rest of the queer community that our oppression isnt real and that there is no link between our struggles and theirs.

[ms-demeanor]

fully understand and agree about reiki and prayer and herbs and the rest of that bullshit, but i'm a little confused as to how chiropractic care got lumped in with those

Chiropractors are quacks, full stop.

There is nothing that a chiropractor can do for you that a physical therapist couldn't do better or that a massage therapist wouldn't be able to assist with.

There are specific conditions that can cause joint subluxation, but unless you have one of them, your joints are probably perfectly fine where they are and if they are not that is something that would be better (and more safely) assessed by someone who is actually qualified to provide some variety of medical care (which chiropractors are not, they are licensed to provide chiropractic care, which is pseudoscience on your spine, which is a bad place to do pseudoscience). And if you do have those conditions you shouldn't let a chiropractor touch you with a ten foot pole because you are at even *more* risk of harm from spinal manipulation than the general population is.

When I was in college and didn't have health insurance and was working at a coffee shop I couldn't afford $150 out of pocket to go see a doctor, but I could afford $45 to see a chiropractor.

What the chiropractor didn't know - because she wasn't a doctor and didn't have the diagnostic tools for this kind of thing - was that I didn't have back pain because my spine was out of place, I had back pain because I had a bone tumor in my spine, and her adjustment fractured one of my lumbar vertebrae.

When I did get insurance I finally figured out what was wrong (after using a cane and dealing with excruciating back pain from my cracked spine I had to quit my job at the coffee shop because I couldn't reliable stand on shift) when I got an MRI. The pain was treated with muscle relaxants, oral steroids, and physical therapy, none of which would have broken my fucking back.

Chiropractic, even when practiced "competently" by an expert with the most modern and most rigorous scientific training available, is still more dangerous and less effective than other interventions. All of which is aside from the fact that there are a shitload of chiropractors out there who will claim to treat asthma and autism, which they can't do and are shitty for claiming to be able to do.

Top to bottom, all through its history, chiropractic is a scam that hurts more people than it helps and because of our fucked up medical care in the US specifically has been largely predatory on people who can't afford real treatment for their illnesses and injuries.

Also, if you are ever going to see a chiropractor - though i wish you wouldn't - never, ever, ever, EVER let them manipulate your neck. Chiropractic spinal manipulation of the neck can lead to severing the arteries in your neck, causing a stroke. This HAS killed people, and as long as chiropractors keep doing it, it will kill more people.

Fuck - and I cannot emphasize this enough - chiropractic.

[weepingtalecowboy]

Considering what Batman did in Gotham war with Jason

A fanfic exploring how everyone (especially Jason) of his children starts genuinely fearing him

Because it is canon that there are more situations where he hit and beat Richard then there are off him hugging him in the comics

He did his hardest to push Tim away he literally tried to kill Jason and then he just mentally broke him because he thought that it was the only way to make him stop being a criminal

He was straight up unsupportive towards Damian and even though he knows that Damian has no idea what a normal life is and how he isn’t allowed to kill anybody because he genuinely has no idea how to navigate society but instead of therapy he just gets berated for something he doesn’t fully understand (and while I don’t excuse his behavior or actions if he was given help like even Richard himself was enough to somewhat help him out at how to actually do things without violence a therapist could probably do much more for him but Richard already shows that just basic support was good enough for a start)

Like considering how he maybe loves them but his own mental health is so bad that the constantly hurts everyone around him

He should not even be near them if he truly loves anyone of them (except if he got psychological treatment and even then he should for the love and happiness of his kids just stay as far away as physically possible)

Batman is a mess and not equipped to raise children let alone vigilantes

he himself isn’t copping well enough to help anyone he is emotionally unstable and has lots of issues but he at least has a nanny who will take care of him when he is neglecting himself but Alfred can’t do everything for everyone and Bruce himself can’t help his family and later Alfred dies anyway making Bruce's kids dependent on him

But Bruce has no idea how to do anything for them (it is not in his range of abilities to play an actual parental role that doesn’t just mean give the kid a home over their head and food)

And while I love his character a lot over the years he is losing his path of justice more and more there are more situations of genuine concern then ever before

It just makes him seem so much more human than ever before

Because no human can live a live of vigilantism without getting more mentally ill over their whole career

After all the military discharges soldiers who are unfit for duty because of mental or physical limitations and problems

It is for their own sake but Bruce wants to fight that fight for as long as he lives

And he is dragging in more and more innocent children into his war against crime

At some point it will be to much like how Jason was killed then brought back wrong

Or Richard snapping and beating him for what he did to his brother who will never be able to fully recover from something that traumatic

Tim already knows that without robin Batman will become a monster even without crossing the line of killing

And then did everything physically possible to stop him from his self destruction

But Batman is made to self destruct there is no way he won’t break at some point (seeing as he already is breaking apart and in Batman beyond he is totally and utterly alone till Terry joins in

A fanfic exploring what would have happened if he was hurt by Nightwing after what he did to Jason is an interesting opportunity to explore

But because at the end of the day everyone knows that Batman is needed they are forced to let him live but they also know that he will actually truly snap if they are not there for him

So everyone starts living at the mansion and in fear of angering him (because there is no Alfred anymore to stop him)

They do everything to keep Jason away from him but they can’t move away anymore because Bruce disapproves at it

And Richard forces himself to interact as much as possible with him so that he focuses on him instead of his younger siblings

But the most important thing is to make sure that he doesn’t find out about their fear of him because they all know that this will make him truly upset (and by now they will never try to even play with fire anymore)

But also he is forced to raise everyone by himself

Has to make sure that Jason feels comfortable enough not to feel adrenaline because that is another problem altogether (which is hard when he immediately starts crying when being in the same room as Bruce)

Has to shield everyone from Bruce because nobody feels safe anymore

And on top of that make food and do chores (as the only good enough cook in the family and Jason no longer being able to do so) and teach the others how to do their chores despite them all being disasters at it (because no Alfred anymore)

And to somehow make it even worse he has to somehow convince Bruce to take care of himself while also trying to not make him any more upset

Then after a few years into that dynamic Bruce and past Bruce swap bodies

And while the whole league of the past and the past Batman immediately think future Bruce is an imposter because he behaves differently from how Batman would they simply tie him up beat him up

Past Bruce is surprised that everyone is at home and speaking to him and just assumes that it’s a good week but quickly realizes that something is wrong like how his entire family is going out of his way except for Dick how he seems extremely nervous about everything he says

How everyone is doing their best to keep Jason away from him

Main While the whole family assume he is having a good week and under no circumstances should they ever try to upset him in any way which is hard when he is constantly seeking them out and asking about Jason

By the point he realized what happens

He proceeds to go and beat up his future self and get therapy because he absolutely hates how everyone is afraid of him

That is not how Batman should ever be seen Batman is a sign of hope for the city not a monster hell bend on hurting criminals

[michirusagi]

lithium.

i wanna stay in love with my sorrow.

Kn8 + depressed!reader.

feelin a little down today myself

Kafka Hibino has dealt with depression before. Hell, before joining the Defense Force, he wasn't doing so hot himself. So he understands and relates to what you're going through, even if he's baffled by why someone as kind as you would have so much self hate. He takes very good care of you, in all contexts and all the time, but especially when you're having a down day, he's very gentle with you. However, if you get too down on yourself, he may argue with you and try to convince you of your worth. He's kind of afraid that one of you won't be able to cope anymore one day.

Mina Ashiro has never exactly been depressed, but is an empathetic person. She sees how hurt you are and it hurts her, too. Lots of cuddles and she pushes you to work out with her, which helps. She thinks of the two of you as partners in everything--crime, life, love, everything--so if you're suffering, she'll be right there with you. She's a good shoulder to cry on. Isn't as arguments as Kafka, but will gently reprimand you if you say something really awful about yourself. She's the type who will listen and hold you, but not try to "fix" anything if you don't want her to. Will give you space if needed, and while she worries, she has faith that you'll make it through your tougher days.

Reno Ichikawa was a pretty gloomy kid, and his grandmother may have had some chronic depression after their family's passing. He's unsure about this, but your symptoms sure are familiar to him as someone who heard his grandma cry herself to sleep every night. Because of this he's really worried and protective. You get into some heated arguments and might even be on-again-off-again because he gets so upset when you badmouth yourself. At the very least, he'd never let you cry yourself to sleep alone. If you needed to do so, he'd hold you the whole time until you were finally out.

Soshiro Hoshina probably has little to no experience with depression as a disease, but has his share of insecurities and such. Therefore he's able to empathize with you pretty easily. He's another one who would listen when you need to vent and do his best not to be the "fix it" guy, although he really does want to snap his fingers and make it go away. Some days are better than others, he'll be there for all of them. He'd beat up anyone who judged you or exacerbated your negative feelings. Pays for your therapy.

Iharu Furuhashi is so confused about why you're crying all of a sudden? He has 0 experience with this kind of thing, and it scares him when his partner has an issue he can't get rid of or fix. Still, he's supportive. He does a lot of research on depression in order to help you. Probably becomes very publicly affectionate, if you're alright with it, and talks you up a lot when you're not feeling like yourself. Yells at you to take your meds or hell bite!!

Gen Narumi has 0% understanding of mental illness and doesn't tend to be very empathetic as a person. So at first, he's dismissive of your feelings in a "why can't you just make it stop?" kind of way. As time goes on, though, he realizes you have little to no control over this. Once he figures that out, he makes tangible effort to Get It. Probably goes to Hasegawa for advice. He tries to spend time with you and take care of you best he can when you're unwell, but a lot of the time he feels like it's not enough. Probably out of everyone he'd be the most terrified of you not being able to keep going at some point.

Rin Shinonome has trouble understanding when you have bad days. She does her best to take care of you, but she feels flustered and unsure how to help. She'll probably ask you what she can do, and if you don't have an answer she'll kinda panic. Like, do you not want her help? She knows that's probably not it, but wonders sometimes. Isn't keen on leaving you alone, even if you request it.

[nerawrites]

Before we start

Hello!!!!

Welcome to my first story happy you’re here :)))

Ships: The Bear x Fem!oc

Warnings: mental illness & use of medications

Song: Runaway-Kanye West

***this is back story before we start the actual story

Masterlist

If there is one thing I hated most it was yelling. Something about it is crippling, so damaging and violent yet not physical about it. I’ve been surrounded by yelling all my life yet every single time it is meant for me I crumble. Frozen; not moving, the only things that move are tears that fall out of my eyes.

Like Newton’s third law of “every action has a reaction” it happens every single time even with me trying to keep control of it.

I don’t remember when this reaction started but it’s always been a part of me. The funny thing is that I have worked in a kitchen for most of my life. A kitchen is like a portal to hell being in a constant dumpster fire no matter how nice it is. There’s something so beautiful yet ugly about it. All the yelling, emotions, and the invisible constant timer ticking every microsecond ready to sound; the special thing is that it’s never geared towards anyone. But I’ve never always felt like this.

Jobs in my early career were a bit of a mess, both physically and mentally. At the start, the yelling got to me and reminded me of why I was in the kitchen in the first place to escape. It also gave me the name that followed me everywhere, “Llorona” which I got from a line cook in my first restaurant. It meant “crybaby” in Spanish. I hated this nickname but I knew it was true. I’m forever grateful for an old chef telling me to leave and get help. I think they probably meant it as an insult but I did it anyway. Took years but thanks to new jobs, therapy, and medication I became a different person in the kitchen. That stupid name still followed me everywhere I went somehow, I even started going by that name and just shortened it (Lloris). Luckily I used this to my advantage.

Jobs I took in the kitchen were from far and wide, meaning I took any job that was offered to me and I mean any from a dinky restaurant dishwasher to exposition in a Michelin-star restaurant. As long as I was able to be in the kitchen it didn’t matter. This taught me a lot about how a kitchen worked. It was those starting jobs that gave me a name that I was known for in the cooking world. I never thought I would get any type of spotlight for doing something I just loved doing. The thing was I was only fine being known for my cooking, not me. I did work arounds to try my best to show my work but not be shown if that makes sense. Like never giving my legal name to anyone but going by a name I was already known for “Lloris”, sticking to a certain area of the states (the south), never doing interviews that were videotaped, and only getting pictures taken of my food. Some kitchens I worked with understood while others didn’t. I know at times it seems too much work doing all of this. It felt worth it to me. My so-called “name” rises from my work while the other part of me is kept concealed and only what’s important is being shown.

Everything was starting to look up for me. Life was good and my job was good, nothing to complain about. But then it wasn’t; it was a long night and even a longer working day as I stayed up the night before trying to perfect the recipe for a diner showing because of an incoming critique. This was not for the critique but for me “Lloris”. This was important to me and my career like there was nothing else in my life worth doing at the moment but perfecting this dish was gonna be a stepping stone to taking me to the next level. The pressure was on everyone: the head chef, servers, dishwashers, and both stations and junior chefs. I was in panic mode making sure the presentation was perfect and then sending them out to customers not having time to relax as I had to work on the presentation of the next dish coming to my table. Then it all went to shit. Maybe it was from not getting any sleep to probably forgetting to take my medication but all I saw before I blanked out was the head chef yelling face turning red as they got closer to me. Who knows what they said all I could put together was something about forgetting to put the garnish on the critic's dish. It was like almost all these years of improvement did nothing as I did what always used to happen. Except this time it was different unlike all the other times I didn’t freeze and I just really wanted the yelling to stop. I never believed I could do this but I just threw food at the head chef's face. Simply mauled his face by throwing a hot steak. I couldn’t believe what I had just done, and neither did the rest of the kitchen as the usually loud space went completely silent. I let go of the plate I was holding from disbelief causing it to shatter to the ground.

After that, the only thing I could do was run away, and so I did without leaving a chance for anyone to speak. Still in my chef whites leaving my belongings there. I felt disappointed, all that work I did just to mess it up ruined everything I as Lloris created. I couldn’t go back, I just couldn’t, I wanted to leave this life and relocate and so I did. I left everything. The first thing I did was shower get and change into anything else but those reched clothes and packed a bag of all my important documents. The next day I closed the lease in the place I was living in, sold everything I could, and donated the rest that belonged to me, even my phone. I wanted nothing that would remind me of the place I was leaving behind. I look at that time and see how much I moved on impulse. After getting rid of everything I just caught a cab to the airport and took the flight that was coming the soonest, Chicago. I didn’t know any-fucking-thing about Chicago being exempt for having the fucking bean, perfect. When I landed it was night so I stayed in the airport till daylight. Took another cab to a public library to use their computers to get the address and book a hotel, an Airbnb, and find the nearest store where I could get a phone.

I look back at these times to realize how much of a crazy bitch I was for doing this but also lucky as hell as it worked out. Also let’s appreciate all these years of slaving at my job, barely eating, and never going out unless necessary that made this move possible.

Couple weeks passed now still at the same Airbnb going to interviews for jobs luckily restaurant wanted me after an interview. Gave them an old resume not with all my experience but enough with one good recommendation, and made up a story on why I was in Chicago. This time it was gonna be a different, fresh start as Alicia and not Lloris. The place where I’m going to start working is called “The Bear”. Fuck knows what that means but hey the place was up in coming with the really cute famous chef as the owner that I’ve never interacted with. What could go wrong?

A/N

How was it y��all

Pls let me know thoughts

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA if I actively worsen my family’s sanity as revenge for worsening mine?

My family is that if two parents and three children (all in our 20s).

Without getting into deep specifics, basically, I’ve lost all the patience I’ve had for my family. My mom who is manipulative, my dad who is neglectful, my siblings who are egotistical and dismissive.

because I’m the middle child and oldest daughter I’ve been the brunt of every negative thing you could think of, and I dealt with it for… 25 years.

but this year as my New Year’s resolution I swore to treat them worse than they treat me. So every time my mom tried to manipulate me into feeling bad for her and to love her and to do the house chores, I threaten to kill myself and tell her that she was an awful mother and that if she really cared for me she wouldn’t ask me for things. (She knows I have mental illness that makes it hard for me to do things)

and when my dad puts my pet in danger I slap him and threaten to take his pet to a shelter to have him euthanized and tell him he should die alongside his pet (he is in his mid 60s)

I don’t do anything directly to my siblings because our relationship honestly isn’t that bad, but I did make a fake Instagram account that I use to call out one sibling for all the stuff they do to keep their image up or whatever (some bullying might be involved in their part)

and for my other sibling, who collects vinyls, occasionally I go and scratch up a vinyl they have. Just enough to make it seem like normal wear and tear, they haven’t noticed yet lol.

whenever my parents try to bring up my behavior to me I start yelling at them about how I’m crazy and they raised a crazy daughter and that everything I do is a result of their own creation. And my dad has offhandedly said to let a (female) pet die after she got injured once, so I bring that up all the time.

I tell him that since he hates women so much he should just shoot me like I know he wants to.

Over the past few months I’ve noticed that one sibling has become extremely paranoid, while the other has gotten very frustrated. My dad avoids me now and my mom is very obedient and quiet.

I don’t feel bad about this, and I know there are other things I could have done, but I feel like this has been worth 25 years of repressed anger. Now that the year is almost over, I’m considering that my New Year’s resolution be to try to fix whatever shit show has become of my family, but that’s not the point.

AITA for taking this revenge, or am I justified in paying them back?

the reason I don’t think I’m the asshole in this situation is that at least for the first several months, they tried doubling down on their bullshit. My mom got more manipulative, pulling out everything she could to make me feel bad for her and to submit to her again. And my dad became violent toward my pet, whom I’m protective of to the point where I’ve told every single person I’ve met that if anything happened to her I would kill everybody and then myself. (Luckily I was able to prevent my dad from actually hurting her, but the fact that he tried drove my goal further).

honestly, my sibling probably didn’t deserve it because we all pretty much ignore each other, but I’m holding the grudges from childhood when they would beat me up and break my stuff.

and before anyone says it, I went to therapy for four years and it just made me more angry

What are these acronyms?

[theoryofthemultiverse]

Hoyo‘s Doctors as your psychiatrist/therapists:📋

Synopsis: A therapist/psychologist is a person that listens to your thoughts and feelings and resolves problems through talking. A psychiatrist on the other hand relies on medications to treat an mental illness.

Characters: Baizhu, Dr. Ratio, Il Dottore

AN:I love the trinity of them and since y’all enjoyed the sleeping headcanons I brought something new again! It’s kinda wholesome.

~•~•~~•~•~~•~•~~•~•~~•~•~~•~•~~•~•~~•~•~~•~•~~•~

Baizhu🐍

He is really listening to everything in such an empathic way, he tries his best to validate your feelings and it would be in his expertise to show you how to deal with them.

His priorities would lay in making you recognize how you feel about given situations and help you setting boundaries. He would also dive deeper into childhood events that caused certain behaviors and traumas.

I can kinda see him having a therapy animal(not just Changsheng, you can also cuddle her, but maybe he also has a fluffy cat, or dog) . Like a calm pet that will simply lay with you and help you relax so you open up to him (only if you wanted it tho, otherwise he’ll keep it away ;)

Without a doubt he would be on the therapist/psychologist side.

Dr. Ratio🎓

The problem solver par excellence.

He fairly doesn’t do much about your feelings. Don’t get me wrong, he will definitely listen to you tell him about them, and validate them. He will also take them into the equation of solving your problem, but his main focus would be to solve the problem and come up with ways to solve them, as well as ways how you can cope with them should they not be able to be solved at the given moment.

So while he kinda works more like a psychologist he would also have the qualifications to prescribe some medication, yet if he would feel like he needs someone with a broader spectrum on that topic he would send you to:

Il Dottore🧪

Out of all 3 probably the one that is mostly focused on treating the problem through medications, so leaning towards psychiatrist.

But he is hella good at that, like really, that man knows so many substances that there are no limits to finding the perfect description. In 90% of the time he gets a perfect substance for your problems, but in the other 10%? Don’t worry about coming to him and telling him the medication didn’t do what you would have hoped it would do. He will probably find something better then according to the symptoms you mention.

If you were discouraged by one kind of medicine not working he would subtly try to make you feel better by blaming him,or the medicine in a humorous way so you see it’s not your fault for the medicine not working.

„Really it’s not your fault the stupid medicine didn’t take effect. I should have just known better and taken -sets new medicine on the table- this one all along.“

[laiwalane]

Hi love youe word sm, have you seen the movie Barbaran 2022? maybe you could write fic with Keith x reader? Something like he survives but events of the film still follows him in the nightmares and reader comforts him? please🙏

hiii anon👋 got ya

____________________________________

ship: Keith Toshko x reader

warnings: slight mentions of death

tags: hurt/comfort, angst, fluff, canon divergence, post-canon

summary: do you need a summary?🙂

_______________________________________

Probably two months have passed since the events that happened in that damn house. Too few. Too little to forget. But it's too long to keep it in head. Keith tried to distract himself: first to concentrate on work, then to drown these memories in alcohol. He was far from drug addiction, but the pockets of his jeans were filled with half-empty packets of sedatives.

Of course, you were there, trying to help, but... how can some outsider feel something that he did not see? Even if you turn the level of imagination to the maximum, you will not be able to see, hear, feel on your skin what he felt. The way you see how eyeballs leak out and a hand is ripped out alive. Although it was dark, this picture where a hole had formed in place of the hand with blood flowing out and flowing out, bones and veins were visible, a real bloody broth. On the one hand, it was just a hand; he didn’t see the death scene, but that was enough.

Therapy is not enough, every time Keith was left alone with himself, every trip to the shower or banal thoughts before bed, before the sleeping pills stored on the bedside table made themselves felt, every such moment carried him back to that ill-fated day. He would like to erase his memory, even if completely, even if he loses himself as a person, it doesn’t matter. Just to forget. But even if this is possible, there is too much at stake.

Unfortunately, this is how the world works. And there is something in this world that should not be in it. Well, it doesn’t happen that some flabby old woman, mutated from living in the dark, lives in the basement, and from time to time drags people in with her. However, it happened and happened to him. Keith turned out to be the very person looking at whom you can say “thank God this didn’t happen to me.”

No matter how it sounds, now those terrible events are behind us.

You've been lying and looking at the ceiling for an hour now. Maybe just a couple of minutes. There is an endless stream of thoughts in your head. Sometimes they return to Keith.

You feel sorry for him. Of course you do. But you don't even know how to help. He often says that everything is fine, that he has almost forgotten, but this is not forgotten and you know it. Lately, he hardly left your side while you were at home or anywhere else. He tried not to be silent even for a minute, you tried to maintain any conversation. But it is difficult. You both understood. Someday he will forget, time heals. After all, you are both adults.

A pitiful groan brought you out of your thoughts. "Nightmares again." You thought. And gasped.

A second later he was already rushing around the bed, shouting something incoherent.

As softly as possible, you called his name. It didn't work. Of course not. You had to put in more effort. In fact, you have never had such an experience.

After a couple more unsuccessful attempts, his eyes finally opened and his body automatically rose. He was used to such dreams. Although it’s hard to imagine that you can get used to this. His consciousness slowly returned to reality. Hands were shaking and legs were tangled in the sheets. It seems his whole body was shaking now, covered in this unpleasant cold sweat.

And you were sitting next to him, you didn’t understand what to do, what kind of reaction should you expect? It felt like his fear went directly to you, filling the entire room. It might even seem that the glass on the windows was fogged up.

–How are you?–you asked stupidly, mentally hitting yourself in the face. Perhaps you expected him to say that everything is fine, to drink a glass of water as a last resort. But he just sat there. He sat and breathed heavily with his head down. Slowly he raised his hands and covered his face with them. And there was so much doom and despair in this gesture that your heart almost fell into your stomach.

You hugged him from behind, very carefully, but still tightly. This sad and silent scene lasted for an unknown amount of time, obviously very little. But in the silence a sob was heard.

“I’m tired,” he whispered quietly, but enough for you to hear.

Car horns were heard somewhere.

- I would be tired too. – You answered philosophically, without getting up from his back.

- No, you don’t understand. Nothing helps me, no matter how much I try. God, of course you won't understand. I just...I don't know what to do. – Who even knows.

You were silent. He, too, was silent for a minute, and then continued.

– I was just a normal person, but all this turned me into a fucking piece of useless shit. Do you think I don't see? I don’t see how you and other people who know look at me? Constant pity, even some kind of emptiness in their gaze. Some people even avoid me and sometimes it seems to me that you...–he fell silent abruptly.

And you, it seems, have finally seen everything. Moving to his side, you removed his hands from his face and turned his head towards you. You were greeted by a pair of swollen, slightly red eyes.

–Listen to me, Keith,– you said, cupping his face with your hands. – No matter how difficult it is, I will help. I'm not leaving for anything, do you hear me? That's the last thing you should worry about right now.

It is not clear what kind of reaction a person should have to this. Maybe in a different situation he would have smiled and said something in a “well then everything is fine” face, maybe. And now it led to another lump in the throat and a fit of sobbing. Now in your hands already. The T-shirt became wet, and his position seemed extremely uncomfortable. Between loud sobs, he tried to say something else, you couldn’t make out what it was.

-I love you, you know. – You gently ran your hand through his tousled hair, along his back, still not letting go. Or rather, Keith didn’t let you go.

After some time, he finally calmed down. Maintaining the same position, you lay down.

You were laying there and listened to his nervous breathing. Quiet sobs were heard from time to time. You were sorry. You only hoped that Keith would see that you cared, that you really loved him.

–Thank you.–He said quietly and briefly. You were silent.

–No, really, I don’t know where I would be now...

– Don’t think about it, it’s not a favor. – It seems he was smiling.

- Fine fine... –It seems he realized that it was pointless to continue.

In any case, what else can be done? All that remains is to count on the mercy of the power of time, which will erase the sharpness of memories, and they will cease to be the brightest thing in a person’s life. In any case, life is still ahead and as long as Keith has someone nearby, all this may worry him a little less.

You felt his hand on your waist, its grip gradually weakening. He fell asleep again, that's good. Anyway...should it get better?

Nevermind, you will help anyway.

[swaglet]

.

i know that killing urself islike a permanent solution to a temporary problem or whatever but everything is temporary. everything in life is temporary. when u get a good job it's not forever. when u get a nice house it's not forever. when u get a nice car it's not forever. u just have to keep living and that stuff can go away at any moment. i don't even care about that stuff. i don't know what i even care about. i can't afford nice stuff. i can't afford any stuff really. i don't know what kind of stuff i would begin to want even if i could afford it. i'm severely mentally ill and pretty much always will be and medication and therapy just lessens it and i'm gonna have to be a patient for the rest of my life. this is not how i want to live. i don't want to be in this cycle anymore i just want to be free. even if being free means being gone just completely losing all consciousness all sense of being alive everything. just being nothing. i am so tired of the way i am i am so ashamed of the way i am i wish i could start again and get another try but i can't so i want to believe i'm content with ending it here. there's nothing that could make some spectacular change in my life in a short enough instant that would make it any more worth living than it is now. it IS worth living all lives are worth living i just can't do this anymore. i'm sure you could give me 5 billion dollars and a mansion and a nice car and i would still find a way to be unhappy. because there's just something wrong with me in my core. something is missing i guess. it always has been. i just have been aimless and lost and not all there for as long as i can remember. the future is very bleak idk. so many things are going extinct, donald trump has made my degree field obselete right as i'm about to graduate (as if i could hold a steady job anyway), the world is falling apart. i'm going to be sitting on the poverty line for the rest of my life probably. i'm going to be fighting mental illness every step of the way and weighing down everyone around me that i love while they're forced to take care of me. i don't know. i think it's for the best at this point. i've seen enough. i miss slinky. there is no heaven and there's no way i will be able to see him again but somebody can mix our ashes together and sprinkle us in the soil next to a tree and we will be together until the end of the earth and i think that's enough to ask

[tangledinink]

Hi, I really love your AUs, can't wait to see more!

eEEEE THANK YOU ; w ; this all so sweet and makes me so happy aaaAAAAAA

ask dump below~

he was 5'3" previously, he's now more like five feet maybe a little bit less. if you were to measure him and mikey back to back, mikey would be a tiny bit taller. you can't really tell yet, though, since donnie currently can't stand, and up until now he was constantly on tip-toes. he's also just very underweight right now, which makes him seem even smaller. as he recovers and gains some weight back, he'll seem a bit less itty-bitty.

thank you! ; w ; also while i don't think he's ever, like, straight up wiggled his fingers at a boy, i do think he occasionally gets a little fidgety/twitchy with his hands and fingers when he has a crush. maybe also tends to do little arm/shoulder touches with his outstretched fingers as well when he's flirting. u w u

It's completely gone! his tummy and hips are now just like the other exposed parts of his body, like his arms and legs-- just skin and scales. I don't think it ever actually came up in the main part of the comic, but is illustrated in his reference image in the masterpost! Also don't worry, no ill-effects from being crop-topped. It'll just take a bit of getting used to. (If anything, it's a bit of a boon at the moment for the rest of the fam. A lot of medical care is a lot easier without plastron blocking the patient's entire torso.)

HEHEHE, thank you <3 i love making them wag their tails I think it's so cute and silly... <3 I think Raph (across all AU's, lol) has definitely accidentally hurt himself wagging his tail in excitement on at least one occasion.

Oh gosh. It's hard to say because it's such a spectrum... It would have to be a pretty nasty injury for the witchdoctors to not be able to do something about it. But assuming they can't... Big Mama would never outright ask the Gems to perform on a serious injury, but the twins would definitely feel pressure to continue performing for as long as they possibly could, and to keep recovery time as short as possible. If they had to take time off to heal, they would, (and have in the past,) but they'd definitely be impatient to get back on the field. If the injury is truly so bad that one or both of them can no longer perform, they'd probably both retire, (though extremely reluctantly, and doing so would be incredibly heartbreaking for them and cause them a lot of grief and guilt,) because neither would want to go on without the other. There might be some pushback from Big Mama, though, and the uninjured party could potentially be convinced, with enough time and enough conversations, to make a comeback...

Poorly. It'd probably go about the same way it did for Donnie, except worse the second time around. They'd probably both be in trouble for it-- Leo for keeping things for her, and Donnie because she (correctly) assumes that he's 'influenced' Leo somehow, since he did the same thing first.

he is being SOOOO brave right now... but he can't NOT. not when his kids are on the line :< though I will say, you're being quite optimistic about how his conversation with Big Mama is gonna go... 👀

lmao april is maybe in a TEENSY bit over her head, bless her. splinter definitely struggled over whether or not to bring her with him to see big mama. he tried to convince her to let him escort her back home once he realized where he had to go, but of course she wouldn't hear of it. thought about having her wait outside, but... is so reluctant to leave her alone in the hidden city... knew she would probably pushback anyway, too, so...

the twins will definitely have a ton of therapy and healing to tackle in the future <3 my poor sweet baby boys....

THANK YOU <3 <3 <3

@11bountyhunters @oh-my-muffins @oneshortlove @khlegacynexus @animal-lover-forever @wings-of-sapphire @devious-little-creature @riseleon

[0ystercatcher]

musk really did ruin twitter sorry idk how i just in the span of 5 min scrolled through:

linkedin esque post made by shivering san francisco startup founder that gives people llm generated therapy (big lol) about how agency is everything agency is all you have agency agency agency oh my god have the decency to shoot yourself in the head once this one fails please i beg you

execution video, fresh from syria! i just saw a real guys head explode. its 10 am. i just saw him die. its normal.

little weak woman pretending not being able to lift the grocery bags is representative of women being on avg weaker than men and pickmeing for the worst guys on twitter. thats a you problem. hit the gym bitch and please dont do pilates. also hes gonna fuck you but it probably wont be worth it

fight video, not fresh. probably reposted around the internet countless times. definitely the shit you see in facebook nowadays to keep boomers entertained and scared of The Big Cities.

bap and friends, still failing at pretending to be straight. i dont even follow him because he spams naked men on the feed and like well i go outside and dont wanna see male tits in the bus all the time.

onlyfans whores? ive blocked hundreds atp please get a job

i hope my summary has illuminated you of how bad it is there and how its still somehow better than here for now. maybe ill revive my neocities just to longpost about whatever the fuck it is im doing even tho lately that is melting in the heat and sleeping

[phneltwrites]

Sunday Snippet

This is from a new thing I'm working on, a time loop fic where Wilhelm has to keep reliving the anniversary of Erik's death. 🙈

“Something’s wrong with me,” Wilhelm whispers, and doesn’t mean like an illness. He means something fundamental is off.

She hums and kisses his head and doesn’t leave him.

He goes to therapy and says the same thing louder. His new therapist, Nina, is a patient middle-aged blonde woman who also works with high-profile athletes. He doesn’t know which ones, but sometimes he amuses himself by imagining who it could be. Olympic pole vaulters or singles tennis champions. 

She asks him why he thinks that and he can’t answer. Isn’t it obvious? Then she asks him where the feeling sits and he puts his hand on his chest, below his heart. Without meaning to, his hand forms a claw, fingers digging in like he could pop his ribs open and take out the organ that’s failing him. He’s heard he doesn’t need them all. He could get by without a spleen, with only one kidney, with only part of his liver.

Then, it clicks.

He’s summoned to a meeting in the Rose room, so named for the wallpaper, though most of the furnishings are green.

His mother waves him over. He walks through the room, nodding to Minou and Farima before he undoes his suit jacket and sits on the chaise next to her. His dad is also in attendance, on a chair on her other side. She puts her hand on the back of his head before returning it to her lap. If he was smaller, he’d snuggle in next to her, but he’s grown now and it would look comical even if it wasn’t inappropriate.

“Hi, gubben, how was school?” she asks. Her eyes are warm. She’s trying, and if he was better, he’d be able to muster more than the half smile he manages.

“It’s fine. I’m on top of my school work.” Wilhelm is, barely. He might still get a tutor thrown at him depending on how his next exam goes.

August walks into the room. He’s in his dress uniform even though he’s still in basic training. There’s probably some protocol reason for that, but Wilhelm doesn’t know it and hopes he won’t have to. He comes closer to them to greet mother and with every step August takes, the pit in Wilhelm’s stomach pulses, a murky wave. Directed energy, like a rotating neutron star. He wonders if that feeling will ever go away.

“Your Majesty,” he addresses her. “Crown Prince,” he adds quickly, and then steps to the side, finding a chair to sit in. 

Jan-Olof stands. He presses a button and the large black screen on a stand that has been wheeled in, turns on. “Your Majesty, your Royal Highnesses, we are here to go over the final itinerary and protocols for the one-year memorial commemoration for the former Crown Prince.

It hits him like a bowling ball, right in the solar plexus. He can’t stop himself from putting a hand on the spot.

And oh. That’s why it hurts. Not because something is in there that shouldn’t be, but because something is missing and can’t be put back.

[catgirlbussy]

im gonna do a lil sadpost, as a treat. if u dun wanna read that or interact or anything there's no harm done <3 it kinda feels nice sayin stuff into the void tbh, cause i know as i look out ill always see myself at minimum, and im still thankful. im alive. if someone can relate or whatever then thats a neat bonus ★

I'm not super sure how to formulate these thoughts, cause lots of it is just incompressible /feeling/. I've been on HRT for close to two years now, and modifying my internal physical landscape alongside the work I put in with the ways I've learned sharing benefit so far, like therapy and self-directed exploration of my emotions and the simple but vital practice of being more open with others about how I'm feeling, has uncovered a lot.

It's been overwhelmingly positive in so many ways. I don't have any regrets for starting this set of changes, even with full knowledge of the difficulties I've had rise as a result and that more are on the horizon, and also full awareness in that I will need to continue putting in the *good* work to care for myself and learn how to navigate the parts in my mind I'd kept hidden or obscured for so long. It's not /bad/, I feel so grateful to have this opportunity at all and I feel bounteous joys in this trove of beautiful experiences that, up 'till not too long ago, I never thought I'd be able to experience -- though I absolutely still dreamed of having them so vividly.

I have a lot of good graces in my life re: my transition. In a lot of ways I feel I've been exceedingly lucky. Canada has its fair share of problems without a doubt, but I also know full well there are a lot more places on our planet where it's much more difficult to be openly trans, let alone dangerous or lethal. I don't take that as an opportunity to rest, either, because having cracks forming in the firmament, letting in light to my dream of a world where trans experiences are accepted (and to note most thoroughly, I'm learning more of a lot of cultures in days gone by, /including some aspects of my own heritage/, having extended gender representations ingrained in their societal norms, some as far even to revere the dynamic and unique experience of existing beyond the gender binary in whatever way they saw as such) for **everyone** spurs in me an even deeper and impassioned drive to work in the ways I'm able to foster communication and connection while rebuking hostility so more and more beautiful, valid trans folks can experience respite and respect and safety as well.

I'm not wanting necessarily to change minds and upend the posture of society with this particular post, though, and so I hope you'll forgive me in my expressing my small, localised set of emotions in this moment. At the root of everything I experience I'm starting to get better at reminding myself that I'm a valid *individual person* in addition to being a contributor in the push for good and kindness for all.

It's probably telling that I feel the need to offer ~4 paragraphs as a disclaimer that I spend time learning about the global scale and am effortful in enacting progress there before just getting on with what I'm even feeling sad about. I don't see myself as a holy martyr for being nervous about expressing myself, but it seems more and more common evidently rather than by my hypothesis alone that many trans individuals would get by prior to exploring their gendered identity with burgeoning self-acceptance with a marked self-exclusionary behaviour when it came to opening themselves to emotional experience, regardless of any given instance being gendered or not. Until it becomes unmanageable, it feels easier to lock away senses of joy, sadness, etc. cause you can keep gettin on by in a sort of functional state and you tell yourself thats enough.

This is far from the worst thing I've come across so far, but I am feeling confused and the confusion is unique in its own way to the extent that I'm not even able to pin down how I /feel/ about feeling it. At its heart I can't seem to muster the right formulation of words to explain to others these particular experiences I'm having in my transition. Painting in broad strokes can be such disservice to the nuance for any individual's cluster of experiences, but tumblr if anything *for me* has brought much happiness in finding threads of commonality with others. Stark contrasts to my feelings of loneliness and seclusion from the world around me give me so much hope. I'm writing this partly in hopes that there is another one of those threads people might appreciate seeing. I do more than my fair share of journaling, but this one feels special and worth sharing right now, and so decadently I write these words for a community beyond myself.

To be blunted, perhaps I might phrase it by saying 'i feel sad about being happy.' It's that sort of absurdist perspective that helps me wrap my head around it a little better with how little sense it makes to my normal machinations. I'm not sad that I am having these new and thrilling experiences of adding or or changing parts of myself to live in the way I best see fit for who I am, but I feel sad because I don't know how to.

I get locked up at the slightest things. Someone compliments my nails, and its so hard to communicate efficiently the impossibly depthed importance this literally surficial act has for me. They aren't even painted well, but I painted them /myself/, I felt catharsis in exploring my love of artistic expression in the choice of colours, I rode high on the thrill of watching this new skill form in my own hands. The coat is uneven and I can't quite keep myself from getting knicks in places as they dry yet and I'm still practicing the nail care associated with maintaining healthy and resilient nails, but if I can be so bold to say, god forbid women do anything.

This person obviously wasn't chastising me for partaking in a traditionally "femininely-associated act", let alone that so thoroughly most things people take for gendered in no way innately are, the whole binary supposition is a damned myth. But because of how I was brought up and the mindset I was taught to have before I fought to think for myself instead, this was a joy I'd always admired but felt I was abhorrent for wanting to partake in. Absolutely anyone who feels otherwise can irrevocably go fuck themselves if they aren't willing to examine the falsity of the foundational thoughts they 'think' they have leading them to ever want someone to abstain from such a viscerally unobstructive and innocuous form of self exploration and creativity bexause it's "for girls". This goes for anything. For anyone. Idc who you are or what label you wanna use at any given moment, go explore. Live life. God fuck do we need people to just experience joy in some ways so we aren't so incorrigible and hostile towards eachother.

But you don't stop whoever took 15 seconds out of their say to mention to you they like the colour and wanted you to know to discurse at length upon the structural bastardisation of who people are allowed to be, cause more than any of that I just want to feel happy about it.

I literally stutter out whatever form of thanks my malformed emotionally-communicative faculties can muster in this surprise and try not to start sobbing in the grocery store aisle or whatever. It's so /good/, and it's so frustrating that I don't even know how to just process and appreciate that it is.

I was so much an absentee in my own bodied self that I could not fathom an understanding of what gender euphoria was until it snuck up smashed me in the teeth. I didn't have any basis of understanding for what it was really like to be happy about some part of myself.

Despite my loneliness I have still had the experiences of friendships, people caring about me, and relationships where a partner genuinely appreciated parts of me, physical, mental, emotional, whatever. More now than ever I am having those experiences as I learn to come out of my cloister inside my head. But this time I'm not just numb to everything. Sure, as I'm learning to not just be unilaterally numb until my bastion of self-isolation fails and I break there is abundance of pain, but the pain I honestly prefer. It's more vivid than it's ever been before, but I can benchmark that I'm still alive by its contrast to neutrality. It's familiar, and my mechanisms of clutching my emotions into my soul can still carry me forward as I try to figure things out. But fuck me is it ever hard to have a happy experience and not know how to communicate that it tore my sense of stability in those moments to shreds. To lose the composure that carried me for so many years because someone sought to share something with me they thought I'd appreciate because they care about me feels so counterproductive to just enjoying the absolute gift that experience is.

Abstractly, as I'm wont to do to a remarkably self-apparent fault, I can tell myself that these things take time. Human emotion is so complex, and its panoply of shifting lights glinting as the facets move their positioning relative to the light of being alive is what drives me to do art, and it always has been, contradictory so fully to my desire to lock everything away. I can't circumnavigate multiple decades of trauma and be free and unfettered in my senses in an instant just because I'm aware it's possible. And so I try so fucking hard not to just sit down and cry in that grocery store aisle, cause it hurts so bad to be happy.

How dare I find glints of good in the polluted landscape we live in. But that mindset helps nothing. People striving to live amidst turmoil is what makes life worth living. There will always be strife, but there will always be the possibility for hope alongside it.

Without fail, each night I'll self-soothe myself into a mode of somewhat-restfulness imagining what it would be like to trust myself enough to be imperfect and let someone hold me. It's the only thing I do anymore. It even backfires sometimes and I just waking-dream my way through countless blissful scenarios about what it would be like if that cute girl I've been starting to become friends with mentioned she wanted to hold my hand for hours until the sun comes up and I know I won't have any sleep at all. It's so goddamn worth it. I revel in it, because at least in the theatre of my mind I can find small ways of letting myself feel those joys. They aren't really happening. It's my own hand rubbing a thumb gently along my collarbone in a faux affection. But it's the only way I've found that's not so obstructively blinding in intensity for me to practice what it would be like to be close to others.

I still lose my sense of self so often. I find bruises from where I bumped into things and wholesale didn't notice until the tiredness sets in and I can't autonomously ignore how sore I am. I dive effortlessly into the placid waters of dissociation when someone gives me a hug, despite that being what I have dreamed of for so many years during my self-imposed isolation. Someone tells me they like an art piece I've made and I stopper any sense of pride or appreciation for their kind words despite pouring however much time channeling my slowly uncoiling understanding of reality into every particle of it and wishing that my experiences could convey any amount of any feeling whatsoever to another living being with the entirely selfish act of wanting that I feel like I had a real connection.

I can't get by with chainsmoking and shelf-set pain medications and blind ignorance any more. I can't ignore how badly I want to feel. I am figuring it out instant by instant and it scares me horribly. One day my yearnings for closeness will be actualised because I'll be ready to open when they come. My selfsense-extracted mutterings of the hypothetical joys of being pressed down into sheets and kissed because someone deigned to gift me with attention for they hold appreciation of this newly forming, ill-configured, but ultimately revelatory feminine self I'm becoming will no longer be fiction and prose but the rawness of experience that I, once, and then more, can lose myself into without terror thay I'm inadequate and never truly worth it. Someone will touch my breasts and love me for loving them myself and I'll give in to the annihilating instant where I am no longer a sense of self but just am. This body is not me but my, and I will scrape and fight however I can muster to live vicariously thru it because that is what I am meant to do by being here alive at all. If anything ever again I want to feel what love is like.

I'm not even reading this back to see if it conveys properly let alone makes sense at all. I'm exhausted and in so much pain. If you read this, thanks, and, if you can, go hug someone you love today.

[jackdaniel69nice]

More tokoyami bird mutation traits because he deserves it.

Birds have the ability to sense the electromagnetic poles surroundings the earth and they use it to know where they’re going. The most common instances of this are a pigeons “homing” instinct and migratory birds knowing what direction to go in when they well…migrate. Tokoyami (and hawks) has this and it’s immensely useful when flying through the city, he never gets lost.

unihemispheric slow-wave sleep is the ability to turn off half your brain and allow it to sleep while the other half remains alert. Birds can use this to keep an eye out for predators or stay in flight while migrating. Tokoyami is the master of sleeping during class (joking). Seriously Tokoyami’s brain is already weird enough having to share his head space with dark shadow and apparently he can, in theory, just turn off half his brain. This would be immensely useful for patrols and stake out missions. He probably also uses it to keep an eye on dark shadow at night if he has a feeling they are going to be rambunctious. Also bird don’t always sleep like this, they are perfectly capable of full sleep as well so don’t worry toko only uses this when necessary.

The metabolism of a bird is insanely fast in order for them to keep up the energy needed for flight. Hawks has the fastest metabolism which is why he’s always eating during patrols. Toko still has a fast metabolism and needs to eat much more than someone his size would normally consume. There is argument that dark shadow could be stealing some of his energy but it’s negligible. Toko is very thin, like momo he can never seem to put on weight, he is also very small which could be a mix of genetics and not getting enough nutrition growing up. I’m saying his genetics play a role because even without wings birds need to be lighter for easier flight so most avians are on the smaller side coughhawkscough

Tokoyami can do bird calls, or at least he used to be cable to. This hc gets a little specific but because of how embarrassed he is about his bird traits I feel like he was taught by people to suppress them (like he was taught to suppress his emotions). He was probably put through speech therapy as a child or even the MHA version of ABA therapy (because I am autistic and love using metaphors, like certain quirks being a metaphor for mental illnesses). Either way his unique baritone is actually unnatural to him and even harmful to his vocal cords, he gets sore throats and can’t yell or talk for to long before it hurts and he gets laryngitis. He knows sign language for this reason as well. Anyhow now that he’s in a supportive and loving environment he might be able to relearn these skills for mental health reasons and use his voice for practical purposes. Dark shadow was never directly forced to stop chirping which is why their voice is more squawky. They can imitate sounds very well from whistles, alarms, and instruments to peoples voices. They also know how to “throw” their voice so they can use it to confuse their prey the enemy. Tokoyami might learn how to do this too one day. Yes tokoyami can sing and while he sounds amazing he hates doing it.

(Sorry about the angst but quite frankly it’s overdue, tokoyami is an edge lord after all)