#asexuality is treated in therapy in my country (and most countries. i would even say probably all countries)

[no-passaran]

Same goes not just for mental health, but also any kind of physical health and particularly anything related to gynaecology and I assume also andrology.

fun fact (not fun at all fact actually) :

aromanticism and asexuality are still treated as issues to be fixed in most therapy settings, at least in the western psychiatric institution. i cannot fucking mention my aromanticism or asexuality to a therapist or it’ll immediately become their primary concern and goal to fix. whether or not i have a partner/am trying to have a partner is actively being used as an indicator of my wellness, regardless of if i WANT one. i cannot have access to needed mental health ressources because of fear of conversion therapy. aro and/or ace conversion therapy is the norm in most psychiatric institutions and we are getting told by the rest of the queer community that our oppression isnt real and that there is no link between our struggles and theirs.

[no-passaran]

Happy Pride month! Here are some things I want as an asexual person:

Protect asexuals seeking asylum. Asexual asylum seekers still aren't accepted because asylum laws only include the strict l, g, b and t letters. Many asexual people around the world are forced into marriage, threatened, subjected to corrective rape and pseudoscientific conversion "therapies". Include the A in the acronym and it will save lives.

Affordable housing. Many asexual and aromantic people do not establish romantic relationships with a partner. The current housing model is a disaster for all the working class, but even more so for people who want to (or have to) live alone. People should be able to afford their own housing with 1 person's wages.

Housing for households outside the nuclear family. Many asexual and aromantic people decide to live with friends, QPRs, or other structures outside of the amatonormative nuclear family. Some real estate agencies and residential area regulations don't allow housing to be rented or sold to people who aren't living with a romantic partner who they are married to or intend to get married to, designating certain areas "for families" with a strict definition of what a family is. (The podcast @theacecouple talked about it in this episode)

Asexual people should be included in anti-discrimination laws.

Training for medical professionals should include education on asexuality and its experiences, same way that their training in many countries already must include training on L, G, B and T care. "How often do you want/have sex", "how often do you masturbate", and questions related to libido are routinely used to diagnose patients. This can be a helpful element in some cases for people who aren't asexual, but medical professionals should stop misdiagnosing asexual people out of ignorance or pressuring them for their orientation.

End conversion therapy. When a person explains to a medical professional that they don't get sexually attracted to anyone or that they don't want to have sex, the official course of action in most countries is for the medical professional to tell them they need "treatment". That is conversion therapy and can be extremely traumatising and anti-scientific. Sexual orientation doesn't get changed. If our asexuality causes us distress, it's because of how we are treated by society and made to feel abnormal.

Right to healthcare. We should be able to say the truth to healthcare providers without fear that we'll be put in conversion therapy, misdiagnosed, taken off necessary medication, that the medical staff will try to fix our sexuality instead of whatever problem we actually have, or other forms of discrimination. End the medicalization of asexuality (especially when the medicine given to "cure" women of being asexual is often just making them sleep so their boyfriend/husband can rape them and has been found to have other negative secondary effects).

Sex ed in schools should take asexuality into account. This doesn't only mean mentioning that asexuality exists (which already isn't being taught, leading asexual young people to feel pressured, out-of-place, alone, and can lead to putting themselves in dangerous situations), but including asexuals in the creation process of these curricula, too. Sex ed must take into account all its students to offer enough information for their safety, health, and well-being. For example, including asexuals in the creation of the course will mean stop assuming that there are things that don't need saying because "everyone knows". In my case, I would most importantly have liked to be taught that having sex is something people should do because they and the other person(s) involved want to, not because it's mandatory. It's not "everyone knows that", because it never crossed my mind that it's something people want, and I've read many others share the same experience.

Acceptance from family. Many asexual people, myself included, get forced to come out to their families because of their families' obsession with the asexual person's lack of sexual and/or romantic interest. The answer to coming out is often insulting and humiliating. I was told that if I don't like people it must mean I'm a zoophile and sexually attracted to objects, I was repeatedly called a liar and brainwashed by Catholic moral (I'm an atheist), I was pressured into going to a psychologist to fix my sexuality, that it's unnatural and unhealthy, that I'm repressing myself, and I was told that I must go out to party and let any young man have sex with me "doesn't matter who it is". When I answered that I don't want to and that to me it would be rape, I was told it would be worth it to fix me. Judging by what other asexual people explain online, and what other non-asexual friends who weren't interested in doing it were told by their parents, this is not uncommon.

Being believed by friends. Many asexual people explain their friends don't believe them when they say they don't find anyone attractive like that. This can go from openly direct hate speech to little things such as teen games like asking everyone who they like or have a crush on and not accepting "I don't like anyone" as an answer, accusing the person of lying, of not trusting the other friends, "everyone said it so you must too", often pressuring the asexual person until they end up making it up and lying to their friends by picking someone they're not actually interested in, making the asexual person feel like there's something wrong with themself and that they must hide in order to be accepted.

Acceptance and support from social movements. For example, sex positive movement further stigmatises us when it says things like "there's two kinds of people: those who say they masturbate and those who lie", or base acceptance of sexuality on arguments of "everyone does it". Subsets of the LGBTQ movement often also engage in hate campaigns against asexual people online, from spreading false rumours that asexuality is fake and it's straight people trying to infiltrate the community, to spamming asexual tags with porn to cause distress to asexuals and make the tags useless so we can't find each other and have spaces to talk about our experiences —in conclusion, so we can't have an online community.

Get rid of consummation laws. Most legislations say that for a marriage to be valid, there must be consummation, meaning that the couple must have had sex. This discriminates asexual people in their marriages, which are considered invalid. (Again, @theacecouple covered this very well in this episode).

Consent for being exposed to sexual material. It shouldn't be considered childish to not want to watch certain material or hear about certain topics because it's explicit. Events like Pride should explain what is going to happen and what the expectations are, so people can freely take an informed decision on whether that event is for them or not. Social media should have labels or tags that individual users can choose to blacklist. Tumblr users should actually tag the nsfw posts as such and use the mature community label. This way, everyone can still post what they want without censorship but we're not forced to see it or can choose when to see it.

End objectification and over-sexualization, particularly of girls and women who are most affected by this. End cat calling!!!

Educate on a more developed concept of consent. Make everyone understand that consent is a must, and that pressuring someone into saying yes, making someone feel like saying no isn't an option, or like having said yes to one thing also includes other things or the same thing other times, is not consent. Marriage or being in a romantic relationship also doesn't equate consent for sexual acts (end marital rape).

Stop making fun of people for not having sex. Stop using "virgin" as an insult. Stop spreading the idea that being a "virgin" means being a loser, ridiculous, childish, or a failure in life. Stop using the "virgin vs chad" meme. Stop insulting someone saying "this is what someone who doesn't have sex sounds like". Stop equating the number of sexual partners with success, particularly for men. This only pressures people against their will or possibilities, creates mental problems and incel mentality for people who want to desperately get out of the "loser" category that leads to rape, causes other people such as asexuals to self-hate and putting themselves in dangerous situations, and makes other people associate asexuality and not having sex in general with negative characteristics (aka bigotry).

Public libraries and library apps including books about queerness and asexuality. For many people, particularly young people and other people who live with their families, it can be difficult to buy books on asexuality, since they're often not found in physical libraries and must be ordered online. Living with possibly aphobic parents or flatmates, libraries and library apps are an important resource. A small percentage of population is asexual and asexual people often don't come out, so the internet and literature are often among the few ways we can feel like we're not alone and learn how to navigate a life outside the norm from other asexual people.

Feel free to add more if you want!

[agentexmachina]

Ace-friendly Stucky Fic Recs

This is just a compilation of my favorite asexual-inclusive and sex-free Stucky fics.

A Life in the Middle by leveragehunters (Monkeygreen) (T | 9,259); Asexual Steve Rogers, Aromantic Bucky Barnes; Warning: brief masturbation

Shield Industries wanted a mural to brighten the foyer of their building. When Steve took the job he was expecting a paycheque and some name recognition, not a crush he knew was deepening into something more.

Bucky was a little annoyed to get stuck riding herd on the artist Shield hired. He was building security 2IC; he didn't have time to stand around and watch someone paint, but it was the CEO's pet project, so watch he would. He wasn't expecting to wind up taking a lot of cold showers. He wasn't expecting to make a friend, maybe the best friend he'd ever had.

Neither of them expected to get attached. Neither of them expected to want the other. Problem is their wants don't align: Steve's asexual, Bucky's aromantic, and nothing's ever going to change that. But love doesn't have to mean sex, romance is only one kind of love, and if two people of good heart want it badly enough maybe they can make a life in the middle.

Scéal by HunterPeverell (G | 3,768); Asexual Steve Roger, Asexual Bucky Barnes

The thing was—The thing was, neither of them were broken. Apart, they were whole. Together they were whole, too. They could be who they were together and knew the other would love them regardless. They could feel complete in a world that told them they were broken and whisper to one another in the safety of the dark, saying, “I love you,” and know it to be true.

Rogers & Barnes: Partners by triedunture (T | 10,510); Asexual Steve Rogers

Steve and Bucky have to pose as a couple for a mission. Nat insists it really is the only option. She's checked.

The complication: unbeknownst to even Natasha, Steve and Bucky's friendship has been rocky ever since Bucky confessed his tender feelings and Steve left him out in the cold. Can asexual, completely-in-love-with-his-angry-best-friend Steve complete the mission and win Bucky's heart?

(The answer is yes. Yay!)

Under Ice by fmo (G | 4,209); Asexual Relationship

'Steve goes to find Fury, who also says no before Steve can get a word out. “It’s not gonna work, Cap,” Fury says. “I know you like rescuing people, but he’s a Soviet assassin with a worm in his brain and he’s in the safest place he can be.”

“I just want to talk to him,” Steve says. “Clint says he might even be close to my age. I think it would be healthy for me to talk to someone who shared an experience like mine,” he adds, deploying his best 2014 talk with almost total sincerity.

Fury narrows his eye at Steve. “Really,” he says.'

Or: despite everyone's best efforts, the thing that seems to cheer up Sad Cap the most is talking to the amnesiac assassin in the cell downstairs. And, even stranger, seems like Cap's actually managing to charm the Winter Soldier into chatting with him like a normal person.

[Not canon with the Winter Soldier film.]

Fuzz Therapy by machine_dove, Sproings (T | 9,573); Asexual Steve Rogers

It took a lot to get Bucky out of his apartment these days.  The kittens were a decent enticement, but the smartass volunteer he met at the shelter was an even better incentive.

Item One by cheesethesecond (G | 2,525); Asexual Bucky Barnes

Bucky was never actually Steve's boyfriend. No one bothers to explain this to Bucky. Bucky acts accordingly.

Head Over Heels by Akru899 (T | 30,819); Asexual Steve Rogers

It's the last day of Summer '88, and the last thing James Buchanan Barnes expected to see was the scrawny kid from school at an AIDS protest. When he sees the kid get punched out, however; well, that's a call to action.

A mostly sugary-sweet 80's AU, complete with track athlete Bucky, shy, skinny artist Steve, Supportive Friend Natasha, and best-mother-in-the-world Sarah Rogers.

Balance by leveragehunters (Monkeygreen) (T | 62,058); Demiromantic Asexual Bucky Barnes

Bucky had heard of Hydra. Everyone had heard of Hydra: they were the unicorn hunters down near the border. The last thing Bucky wanted to do was get mixed up with hunters, but he was out of options. Hydra hunted unicorns, hunters needed virgins, and that was about the only thing Bucky had left to sell. If that’s what it took to get his mom and sister out of their dying town he'd do it.

Indentured to Hydra, deep in the wilds of the hunting preserve, far from the life he’d known and responsible for luring unicorns to their deaths, Bucky had never been more alone.

Until he met the Warden.

Wardens enforced the hunting laws, had done ever since the country had nearly torn itself apart over the discovery that unicorns--beloved creatures, conduits to the gods above--could be turned into powerful magical devices.  Under Steve’s eagle eye Hydra didn’t get away with anything and he was a constant presence, watching over the hunts. But Steve didn’t treat Bucky like a hunter. Steve genuinely seemed to care about him. Steve was always there when Bucky needed him and suddenly Bucky wasn’t so alone.

Special Snowflakes by Carmilla DeWinter (miladys_revenge) (T | 7,345); Asexual Steve Rogers, Aromantic Bucky Barnes

Once upon a time, when people assumed he and Bucky were a couple, it ended in black eyes and broken noses. Times have changed, gay people now get their own flags, parades and even marriage. But the assumption still doesn't, for the life of him, make sense.

Sam just shrugs. “Don't look at me like that, man. I was kinda certain you two would announce your engagement as soon as you'd gotten over your hang-ups.”

But - “We like women.”

Sorta.

Lightning by nightmaresinwintah (T | 19,607); Aromantic Asexual Steve Rogers, Aromantic Asexual Bucky Barnes

Bucky stares at him, incredulous. He doesn’t speak. He knows - he knows. He knows what that means.

“What does that mean? The Latin words,” Bucky asks quietly, barely noticing his voice trembling. His very energy is vibrating - his flesh hand is shaking from where he’s gripping the phone a little too hard. There’s something fizzing in the air between them - he feels like he knows the answer to his own question already.

Steve hesitates. “Particeps anima. Soul sharer,” he mutters, casting his eyes to the floor, unable to meet Bucky’s gaze.

Or; Steve’s a witch, Bucky’s not, and they share a soul.

Not for a Lack of Sweetness by Caledfwlch (orphan_account) (G | 1,387); Asexual Bucky Barnes, Aromantic Asexual Natasha Romanov

Bucky and Natasha have a chat.

Verdant by Zethsaire (M | 1,643); Asexual Steve Rogers, Asexual Bucky Barnes

Most of the other Avengers had difficulty understanding it; both why Bucky would seek comfort that way from Steve when he didn't allow anyone else within five feet of him, and also why Steve let the man who'd nearly killed him sit in his lap like a puppy.

(Asexual gardener Bucky)

Under the Skin by leveragehunters (Monkeygreen) (T | 18,445); Asexual Steve Rogers, Asexual Bucky Barnes

"Brooklyn, like I said," he replied, taking Steve's hand and shaking it, then he paused, tilted his head, and said, "Actually, since you're staff? It's Bucky."

"Bucky," Steve repeated, feeling oddly touched.

 "Always Brooklyn in front of the clients, though," he added seriously.

 "No, of course," Steve promised. "Good to meet you."

 "You too," he said, glancing down to where Steve was still holding his hand.

 Steve let go with a sheepish smile. "Sorry."

Working in a brothel wasn't somewhere Steve ever expected to find himself, but then he'd never expected to quit his shitty corporate hell-job to apprentice as a tattoo artist. Great as it was, his apprenticeship didn't come with a pay cheque, so eating and keeping a roof over his head meant finding a job that paid actual money. Which was how he'd ended up as the night receptionist in a brothel, accidentally holding Bucky's hand, with no idea Bucky was going to turn out to be something else he'd never expected.

Aces and Kings by riviere (T | 10,062); Asexual Steve Rogers

After SHIELD falls and Steve finds Bucky, he hangs up his uniform and takes a long-needed break from Captain America so he can just be Steve Rogers. Meanwhile, Tony convinces Bucky to get a therapy dog in order to help him adjust to his newfound Regular Citizen Life™. As the weeks go by, both Steve and Bucky struggle to deal with their own problems while trying to piece their glass relationship back together without stepping on the shards.

[aroacepositivityplace]

1/Hello!I apologize in advance for the poor knowledge of English, I am hard at learning the languages.I am 21 years old. I live in Ukraine, and in my country everything is sad with tolerance.Here there is only one socially approved path - heterosexuality, marriage and children.

(2/2) I started talking to my friend one day and she was like “Did you ever think you could asexual?” and really tried to help me figure it out, which I’m grateful for because now I know why I don’t get crushes on people, and I’m trying to realise it’s not weird despite what people say. I’m glad I have something to explain why, even if no one else gets it.           

2/Unfortunately, I live in the village, where everything is even worse with this.I am asexual and queerplatonic, but because of the rarity of my views, I am afraid that I will never manage to desired relationship.       

3 / Despite the fact that I have long since accepted myself, it is difficult for me because of the negative influence of the environment.            

5/Are people abroad the same problems as I have?And are there communities for people like me?            

——————————————————————————–   

Hi, anon! Your English is great, don’t worry. I’m not sure if I put your messages in the correct order so I’m sorry if I got them mixed up.

Being asexual is absolutely not weird. You’re not weird. Just because your identity is uncommon doesn’t make it bad or abnormal.

I’m sorry that you’re in this situation where you’re so isolated. It can be extremely difficult to live in an environment where you don’t feel accepted. Even the most confident of people can have a hard time feeling good about themselves in such a situation. Getting upset and having problems with your self esteem doesn’t make you a weak person.

Being asexual can make finding a partner difficult, especially in areas where one can’t be open about asexuality, but that doesn’t mean its completely impossible. If that’s something that you want, don’t give up. It might take time or meeting someone outside of your village for you to find a queerplatonic partner.

I’m American and can only speak about what I know to be true here. In general, the expectation for our citizens is to be heterosexual, get married, and have kids. How strictly that’s enforced depends on the area and people. Some people’s family disown them when they say that they aren’t heterosexual and their friends leave them. There’s pressure here to get married and have children because it’s the “normal thing to do.” Guilt is placed on people who don’t want to get married because it’s assumed that only promiscuous or selfish people don’t want to do so. Not having children is also considered selfish. Because of that, there’s a lot of people that have children even though they really weren’t ready for them or didn’t want them, leading to unhappy and unhealthy families. There’s the general idea that people who are unmarried and without children lead sad, empty lives even though many people who make those choices have no regrets about them.

Being asexual here varies from person to person. Many people view asexuality as an illness to be cured rather than an orientation. Because of that, many asexuals are put into therapy like my friend was. Luckily for her, her therapist pushed for her family to accept her rather than trying to “cure” her of her asexuality. Depending on the area, some people can be open about being asexual and sometimes meet other aces in that way. A lot of asexual people meet on the internet here. Still, I am not confident enough talking about my asexuality with someone who doesn’t all ready know what it is. There are too many stories of asexuals who are open about their identity that are treated poorly because of it or even assaulted with the intent to “fix” them.

As someone who isn’t Ukrainian, I’m not confident in my ability to say whether or not there are the resources that you’re looking for. I don’t know your exact situation and what is and isn’t safe for you to do, which makes offering advice difficult. A good place to start would likely be doing some online research about the asexual community in your area and your country in general. You could also look for or start a blog for asexual people in Ukraine. There’s a lot of people who are asexual in the world and there has to be quite a few of them in Ukraine. In the very least, there are online resources for asexuals all over the globe to talk with one another such as this site.

[ace-and-aro-support-group]

First things first, I would like to apologise beforehand for the (probably) huge text that is going to be displayed here. It’s literally the first time I vent about this. There are no significant aromantic groups in my country, so I also apologise for misspelings and such. 

I’ve been neglecting questioning myself about my orientations, sexual and romantic, all my life. Since ever, the romantic spectrum of life was completly insignificant and unexistent in me. It was confortable, normal and it felt safe until a point in life were we all sudenly get surrounded by people sharing their thoughts in their romantic interests. Their fear to be alone, jokes about people becoming old virgins with more than 50 cats, the unberable social pressure coming from even your most intimate and special friends.

Never feeling a drop of romantic emotion all my life, I could never escape the feeling of being broken. I lost count of how many times I lied about having a crush. But lying the way though friendly conversations will always lead to a feeling of distance, and therefore I lost lots of friends and became a ball of social anxiety that even took me to therapy.

The first time I confessed about being “aromantic” (I dind’t even knew this word at the time) was I few months ago. It was wile discussing about sexuality with a friend, and I felt safe knowing that she was from the LGBTQIAP+ community. But it went so wrong that I started to neglect it again. I told her that I could imagine myself being in a sexual relationship with somebody, but never an emotional one. She replied saying that same old same stuff that we all probably heard once in life; “maybe you haven’t found the right person yet”, and continued with “I would NEVER be able to have JUST a sexual relationship. I love people too much” and then with “or maybe you just love people too little”.

After that I completly closed up to her. People that I could tell had already heard lies about my “crushes”. I’m too afraid to go around saying “look, I would totally have sex, be it a boy, be it a girl, but fall in love is a NO”. I tried to lie to myself that I was asexual (and don’t get me wrong, I now asexual people struggle and have their problems being recognised by others. I love you all and I’m not belittling your movement), because the other times I tried to open up some people treated me like a slut. Now I’m completly afraid of getting even sexually involved with others. 

I have had my share of chances of getting into romantic realtionships, but just the tought of it made me unconfortable. Not being able to love someone back seemed too cruel, and I still think I’m broken. Specially since for some reason I love seeing romance, reading about it and watching romantic realationships develop. I really don’t know what to about myself anymore.

—–

First things first:  You. Are. Not. Broken.  Not in the slightest. 

Next: Just because you don’t feel romantic love doesn’t mean you feel no love.  And even if you didn’t feel any form of love, you still aren’t broken.  Romance isn’t the only form of love there is.  

You don’t have to justify yourself to anyone.  You don’t owe anyone an explanation or a “good reason” for being the way you are.  

I know many of us feel hurt by the neglect and unaccepting comments we receive from people we try to talk to, but always remember that not all of these people are out to get you or make you hurt.  A lot of them simply don’t know any better.  But, there is a difference between being ignorant, learning, and then changing, and being ignorant and refusing to learn or change.  

You aren’t cruel just because you don’t love someone back.  No one is entitled to your love. 

There are plenty of aromantics who also enjoy seeing romance and reading about it, it just simply means you probably aren’t romance repulsed.  

The fear of being alone is something i think everyone has, whether its romantic or not.  Don’t isolate yourself.  even though no one seems to understand what your going through or how you feel, there are people out there who will stick with you through anything.  don’t give up looking for them.  

Also being like, a 70 year old virgin with 50 cats seems horrifying because can you imagine if 10 of them didn’t get along with each other so you had to have designated sections of the house where you had to keep those 10 separated because if they ever saw each other it would sound like bloody murder in your house, and then the other 40 cats have to look on like “ugh, jannet and floofers II are at it again.  whose got the bets today?” and then imagine all of them meowing to come inside all at the same time and then not a single one wants to come in once you open the door but the second you close the door their all screaming again, and you have like The Trusted 5 cats who never give you trouble and are like the leaders of the house of cats while you’re The Human which can either be a God and the Food Bringer to some cats and The Bringer of the Bath to others.  If you think you can do that, you go for it man.  i’ll just be over here with 1 old faithful pooch and 1 questionably annoying Ferret. 

~Amber