#ill get over it just let me have my histrionics first

[lavellaned]

these last few hours are excruciating i feel like a caged tiger and now i got an email saying a cancellation request is being processed (??????) so idk wtf is going on w that but regardless i still won’t be playing it on release day unless the postal system just wants to magically work tomorrow and it will be nov 4 at the earliest (or never??? i guess???) THE WAITING HURTS ITS THE KIND OF BOREDOM THAT IS PHYSICALLY PAINFUL

[brasskier]

@badthingshappenbingo trope #3 (and this one was actually requested!)

Thank you to the incredible @geraltrogerericduhautebellegarde for reading this one over for me!

Trope: Suicide attempt

Summary:  Yennefer's just running a few errands, and doesn't expect to end up talking Geralt's bard down from a rooftop. Jaskier is ready to leap, and doesn't expect a certain mage to interrupt his grand finale. Both of them might just walk away with a better understanding of one another. (Or, a character study in borderline personality disorder.)

TW for suicidal ideation/threats/gestures and reference to self-harm. The descriptions aren’t graphic and he doesn’t actually jump, but this whole fic deals with suicide and mental illness. Be safe y’all <3

Read it on my ao3 or below the cut:

The trip to Tretogor wasn’t supposed to last long. Replenish her stock after the utter disaster that was the dragon hunt, some odds and ends as she came upon them, maybe get absolutely shitfaced and forget the whole thing happened. That was all. And it looked like, for a pleasant change of pace, there weren’t going to be any complications. Errands finished, Yennefer was enjoying a hearty roast at one of the better taverns in the city when she noticed the early warnings of a brewing commotion. First murmurs, then the voices grew louder and more persistent, and then people were pushing outside. She ignored them; a petty barfight was not something she particularly wanted or needed to get involved with. The bar was still stirring, and eventually when she finally shifted her focus off her roast, the tavern was near-empty, only the drunkest of patrons remaining. Even the barkeep was shuffling outside. Clearly, something was happening. Something big. With a beleaguered sigh, she pushed up from her chair and headed out the door.

A surprisingly large crowd greeted her outside, more expansive than the usual clamor around a simple drunken brawl. She approached the barkeep, standing on the outskirts of the mob, and she didn’t even have to speak before the barkeep jerked his head skyward. She traced his gaze to the roof of a towering building casting its shadow over them.

“Poor sod’s gonna jump, I reckon,” the barkeep ruminated, eyes still fixed upwards. In place of the massive beast she fully expected to be perched atop the building stood the figure of a man, trembling at the very edge of the roof. She squinted, an uncanny familiarity settling into her gut.

She mumbled her half-hearted thanks, already pushing through a portal to the rooftop. The man, still frozen in place on the opposite edge, didn’t seem to notice the sudden company, and her uneasiness grew into a sinking dread.

“Jaskier?” she called, tentatively, afraid to startle him. Any last shred of hope that she was mistaken (though the intricately embroidered doublet was hard to mistake) was gone when he jerked his head back to face her. His mouth was agape, an uncomfortable mixture of surprise and disappointment drawn across his features. “What are you doing?”

“The fuck does it look like?” He snapped back. There was more than his usual sarcasm or mock-incredulity in his voice, real and deep-felt anger coloring his tone.

“Don’t do it,” she urged, surprising herself with the tenderness in her own words. “Come on now. Just come down.” Why did she care? The question gnawed in the back of her mind, and she did her damndest to push it aside. She’s a good person, after all, right? She’d do it for anyone, surely. None of Geralt’s not-getting-involved nonsense.

“Fuck off, Yennefer.” He let out a barking laugh, thin and breathy, pitching forward ever so slightly with the force of it. She felt her whole body tense, hands reaching out reflexively.

“Where’s Geralt? What happened?” This was, apparently, the single worst line of conversation she could’ve settled on, because he dropped abruptly to a squat and for a split second she was certain she was about to witness the man’s death. 

“I’m not his fucking keeper.” He was nearly at a roar now, a fever-pitch that sent a shiver down Yennefer’s spine. “Haven’t seen him in a week. Not since— not since—” Though she couldn’t see his face, his eyes fixed resolvedly on the ground below, she could hear the tears cut through his words, his breath hiccuping.

“Shh,” she hushed him. Clearly, something had happened after she stormed off. What, precisely, could wait until later, when he was back on solid ground. “I know. It’s not fair.”

“The fuck do you know about fair?” he scoffed, shoulders hunched, arms wrapped around his abdomen against the biting wind. 

“He fucked me over, too.” She should’ve been offended, and she would’ve been if she wasn’t far more concerned with making sure the bard didn’t fling himself into an early demise, which would be decidedly unfair. That sentiment did little to ease him, and withdrew no response. “Fuck Geralt,” she declared, trying again. “Damn brute thinks he can just take as he pleases.”

“And— and then discard you once he’s had his fill,” he mumbled, offering her the slightest glance back, tears glistening against the pink of his cheeks. 

“You’re better than that,” she set forth like a thesis. “You’re — loathe as I am to admit it — talented, bard. People like you. You’ll find plenty of material to write about.” Perhaps an appeal to both logos and pathos would be sufficient, at least enough to get him off the ledge. 

“It won’t be the same.” He frowned tragically over his shoulder at her. “I've lost it all, Yen. Look at me— I'm just a silhouette.”

“That's nonsense. He… you're more than him. He's not everything.” It felt ridiculous to her, throwing yourself off a roof over an argument with a friend. After all, Jaskier had always managed to exist in the spaces between Geralt before; teaching, or penning his next obnoxious ballad, or bedding married women, or whatever it is overgrown manchild bards do. But, then, she'd almost killed herself to restore something she knew she could never get back. So perhaps they were even.

“Look, this is awfully sweet of you, but—” he swept his arm, gesturing vaguely at nothing in particular. “Just let me go. I’m doing everyone a favor.” He turned his attention back to the ground, wind rippling through his hair. “Should’ve done this a long time ago.” She felt her heart skip — a long time ago? This wasn’t just a histrionic reaction to whatever might’ve occurred between him and Geralt; gods knew how long he’d felt like this.

“You know I can’t do that,” she retorted, drawing tentatively closer. “Don’t make me portal you down.” He huffed, waving her off with a trembling hand. 

“Please, Yen.” Realistically, she knew it would be easy to oblige his request. Walk away, pretend not to hear the sickening thud, and carry on. He was only her ex-witcher’s ex-bard, after all. “I always knew it'd end like this. I’m just… I’m glad I even made it past thirty, really.” 

“That’s— I’m not— no, Jaskier. I’m not letting you throw yourself off a roof, for the love of the gods. That’s insane.” She wasn’t sure what was more insane, letting him go, or standing here arguing with him. “You’re going to be real glad when you make it to forty, bard.”

“Am I though, really? This isn’t my first time, believe it or not. And every time I live, or I back out, or I let someone talk me out of it. And I always regret it in the end.” Her mind reeled again — every time? How many had there been? She pushed the thought back.

“You won’t find out unless you get down,” she argued, drawing closer still. He tensed, sensing her presence, hands balling and unfurling repetitively. “Come on. Go to the tavern with me, get something to eat, have a—” she was close enough to smell the alcohol on his breath now “—more drink. I’ll be out of your hair in the morning, and if you still regret it, well…” 

“Fine,” he finally agreed on the tail end of a sigh, turning to fully face her. “I’ll do it tomorrow.” She didn’t like the resolve with which he said those words, but he was agreeing to come down, which at least was a small victory. She’d handle tomorrow when it came around. In the meantime she needed to get them both down. “Or eventually,” he tacked on as she held her hands out, forming a portal back to solid ground. “Inevitably.” The word rang in her mind as she looped an arm around him and led him through the portal. As an afterthought, she summoned a blanket with a flick of her fingers; it was one of those cheap, thin blankets they kept at the inn, but it would do. She tossed it over his shoulders and he dug his fingers into the fabric, drawing it closer around himself.

Once they were back in the tavern, that thin blanket still draped over Jaskier's shoulders and mug of ale held in shaking hands, it was time to talk.

“I’m sorry,” he muttered, dragging his thumb up and down the cool tankard, avoiding meeting her eyes at all costs. “I’ve caused such a fuss. You must be anxious to get out of here.” He finally glanced in her direction when he felt a hand land on his forearm.

“It’s fine, really,” she insisted, and he couldn’t bear the pity in her eyes. “Now are you going to tell me what that was all about?” He huffed a laugh, looked away again.

“It’s just, you know. Me and my theatrics.” He shrugged, running a hand along his jaw.

“Bullshit.” When, exactly, Yennefer had gotten so good at seeing right through him, he wasn’t sure. But he did know he definitely didn’t like it.

“I’m sorry. I just, I… I get like that, I guess,” he muttered finally, dragging his thumb along the rim of his glass.

“Suicidal, you mean? You just get… suicidal?” She raised a skeptical eyebrow, moving her hand up to his shoulder.

“Yeah, I guess.” He reached blindly, dropped a hand over hers. “When something goes wrong. Someone leaves me again. I just, I fuck up a lot, and I’m no good at dealing with the concequences.” 

“That’s— gods, I know you’re an idiot, but that’s really worth killing yourself over?” She tried to keep her tone light, clipped, maybe a little detached. He was uneasy with the attention, it was obvious, and she was also certainly not ready to admit that maybe, just a tiny bit, she sort of cared about him.

“Geralt, he ran me off,” he mumbled, sinking further into the blanket. “After the hunt, after your fight, he blamed me. For everything, the entire two decades of our, well. I guess it wasn’t friendship.” He chewed at his lip, a nervous habit, anger bubbling below the surface at the thought of that day. “Told me the greatest gift life could give him would be to take me off his hands.” Yennefer balked at him, finally hearing the context of his despair, and she was just about ready to portal right over to wherever Geralt had fucked off to and give him a piece of her mind.

“That’s terrible,” she told him, the best she could really offer. Nothing she could say would undo what’d happened, and nothing could change how much it hurt him. “He really is a bastard.” Jaskier nodded slowly, raised his tankard up in toast. “When’s the last time you ate? You must be starving.”

“Stew would be nice,” he replied quietly, meekly. She haled one of the barkeeps, ordered him a stew, and requested another round of drinks. “It’s not just the fight, though,” he added once the server was gone. “I don’t know how to explain it, Yen. Why I do the things I do, or feel the way I feel. It’s just, it’s all too much sometimes, you know?” She knew. All too well, she knew. She was only just beginning to understand herself, just beginning to feel some semblance of control. He was so young — perhaps not by human standards, but comparatively. 

“I know. It’s hard.” They felt like empty platitudes, like she had no idea how to truly connect with him, and it was frustrating. She wanted to help him, but she wasn’t sure how, wasn’t sure he wanted it. 

“Yeah.” He bobbed his head, picked at the wood of the table. They drifted into silence, neither sure how to fill it, neither sure this was a conversation either wanted to have. The stew arrived, and he picked at it rather than devouring it like he usually did his rations. 

“You know I’m sterile, right?” she finally broke the silence once he’d finished his food and pushed the bowl aside, leaning closer, her voice pitched in a conspiratorial whisper. He nodded solemnly, averting his gaze, watching the light catch in his amber ale. “And you know I’ve gone to great lengths to rectify that, correct?” Another slow nod.

“I know, Yen. I’m sorry, I know you have far more right to be miserable than I do. And here I am, wallowing like a toddler—” She waved a hand to cut him off.

“No, listen, stupid bard. It’s really not about being able to have kids. It’s about the fact that I don’t have a choice, that I’ve never had a choice,” she elaborated, hiking the blanket further up his shoulders as it started to slip.

“I know. And here I am, I’ve gotten everything I wanted. I got to choose; running away, going to Oxenfurt, becoming a bard, traveling. Gods, I followed Geralt to the ends of the bloody Continent for two decades of my life I’ll never get back — but that was my choice.” 

“Would you please let me finish my point, instead of interrupting me to wallow in guilt?” He gnawed at his lip, finally turning to face her. “It wasn’t about being a mother, it was about choice. So this—” she waved her arm dramatically, wondering for a moment when exactly she’d started picking up his mannerisms. “This isn’t about Geralt at all, is it?” After a moment of contemplation, he carefully shook his head. “Then what is it about?” 

“I don’t know, to be honest,” he muttered at the tail end of a swig from his tankard. “I’ve just always been like this,” he said with a sweep of his hand, palm upturned, string-callused fingers twitching aimlessly. Her violet eyes bore into him expectantly, and he felt angry for a flicker of a moment — she was a witch, right? He should be able to just sit back while she delves into the darkest crevices of his psyche, let her root around and not have to struggle to put his life into context and language. “Can’t you just, y’know…” He tugged at his fingers, tilted his head.

“Read your mind?” she finished the question, scooting closer to him, and he felt the hair on his arms rise. “Are you sure that’s what you want?” He nodded, and she pressed her forehead against his, pulling him in close, enveloping him in the lilac and gooseberries he knew Geralt loved so much. He understood why; he felt inexplicably safe, even as the logical half of his brain urged him to pull back. This was all for show, and he knew that— she didn’t need to touch him to read him. Either way, he was grateful to not have to give language to the nameless, that she could just see.

See Jaskier at seventeen, screaming at Valdo from across the courtyard, "if you leave me I swear the fuck to melitile I'll kill myself," knowing he's made this exact threat verbatim so many times Valdo can't believe him, unable to recall what they were even arguing about anymore. When they break up, his mother tells him the first heartbreak always hurts the worst; it hurts all the same every time thereafter.

Jaskier at twenty, slicing thin lines into his thigh for what had to be the millionth time, running out of unmarred skin, witcher/tentative friend asleep somewhere beside him in the darkness. If asked, he’s not sure he’d have an excuse. Sometimes to feel something, sometimes to feel nothing. Either way, this uncertainty is what keeps his wrists clean.

Jaskier at twenty-three, wailing great, hiccuping sobs, shoulders rattling, blind beyond teary eyes. Geralt, gods bless him, doesn’t know what to do, stands arm’s-length away, regards him with uncertainty and pity. They’d fought about something that didn’t matter and he couldn’t remember, and that rage washed over him, red-hot, balled fists trembling at his side. “Get out! Gods, are you thick? Leave, Geralt; I fucking hate you.” But then Geralt listened, because Geralt didn’t play Jaskier’s games, and now there he was, sobbing, babbling, “don’t leave me, I’m sorry, I’ll be better, I can’t lose you, it’ll kill me, don’t go.” Geralt stays; they pretend nothing ever happened.

Jaskier at twenty-seven, at the ashes of his latest burnt bridge, just another failed relationship that feels altogether more like death than separation. Grieving it more like death, too; sobbing until he could do little more than stare at the ceiling and try to breathe, mourning a cemetery of mistakes and a lifetime of failure.

Jaskier at thirty-two, depression blanketing him with the fresh snow, the man he'd tangled up his entire identity in fucked off to the mountains for the winter while he sludged through classes, distracting himself from having to confront the fact that he doesn't recognize his own face in the mirror. Jaskier does exist in the spaces between Geralt, but, sometimes, that Jaskier is a husk.

Jaskier a few days ago, marching back to Oxenfurt because that's all he knows, doubtful Jaskier even exists anymore, the emptiness in his mind unbearable and somehow terminal, altogether certain he's been incompatible with life from the very moment he entered it and resolved to rectify nature's mistake himself. 

Jaskier who, his entire life, has felt everything, too much, all at once. Who's always been led by his heart — and not in the beautiful, Romantic way, but messy, tragic, and uniquely Jaskier. A man so utterly at the mercy of his own mind, drowning in feelings he doesn't have the language to name, his entire being defined not by who he is but what he does and who he loves. 

Jaskier, on a rooftop in Tretogor, itchy feet ready to fling him off the ledge. He'd told Valdo once, in the in-between hours not quite night or morning when everything seems strange and far away, that he knew how he was destined to die. Pressed on, even as Valdo chuckled and called him presumptive, “I'm going to kill myself.” Not today, or tomorrow, but inevitably. He said it not with the certainty of someone who's seen into the future but the cynical resignation of a man who knows no other escape. And Valdo punched his arm, told him not to talk like that, promised it would get easier one day. He hates Valdo now, not that he remembers why, and that day has yet to come.

She pulled back eventually— finally — and swept a shaky thumb over his cheek. He chewed on his lip, staring expectantly with hauntingly wide eyes. 

“Jaskier.” It was barely a whisper, uttered at the end of a sharp exhale, and when violet eyes met his they shone with an uncanny recognition. He wasn't sure what, precisely, she'd seen, but he knew whatever it was had been enough. He'd invited her to the bleakest corners of his mind, and now she regarded him like a lame horse. He ducked his head, but she caught him with a hand on his chin. “You know that's not how destiny works.”

“Hmm?” He wracked his brain to figure what she might be referring to, coming up empty-handed. He didn't have a big, grand destiny like she or Geralt did. He was just Jaskier the bard, Jaskier the one-night stand, Jaskier the disappointment. 

“It doesn't have to end like that. You have a choice,” she elaborated, still painfully vague, but he understood. 

“This isn't the first time, Yen, I—” 

“I know. I saw.” Right, she saw, probably everything, and he had the wherewithal to feel humiliated for it. 

“I've cheated it enough times. I can't outrun it forever.” It felt nice, at least, to let his walls down a little, stop playing the perpetual naive optimist. Almost a relief, even, a weight off his shoulders. 

“I know. But you're strong, Jask.” She moved her hand from his chin to the back of his head, guiding it to rest against her shoulder. “We have more in common than I thought, you know.” He laughed, thin and heady, but with a little more conviction this time, and pressed his face against her neck. 

“Is that your way of telling me you're fucked up, too?” He asked, and, despite the levity in his tone, he truly was curious. 

“Yes, bard,” she hummed, reaching out to sip at her tankard.

“You're not going to give me any more than that?” He fought off a yawn, pressing the back of his hand against his mouth. “I just told you everything.” 

“Maybe someday,” she replied, setting the mug back on the table. “But right now I think you could use some rest. We both could.” She slipped out of the booth and he let his head tilt back against the wall, mourning the absence of her warmth. 

She returned a few minutes later, room procured, and hiked the blanket back over his shoulders as he reached for his lute and followed after her. It was a nice enough room, two beds on opposite sides, a bath he had no intention of utilizing. Exhausted, he kicked off his boots, shrugged off his doublet, and dropped onto the bed. He let his mind wander, dozing as Yennefer readied herself for bed, eyelids heavy by the time she blew out the candles.

“You won't try again?” Yen asked from across the room after a while, barely a silhouette in the faint moonlight. Jaskier rolled over to face her, finding her staring distantly out the window.

“You, uh, you have to be more specific,” he muttered, tugging the blanket closer to his chin. It smelled of lilac and ale. 

“How am I supposed to make that more specific?” It came out sharp, like her usual tone with him, but he could still feel an uneasy twinge to her words. 

“I mean, I don't know.” He felt stupid for reasons beyond his grasp. “Not today, or tomorrow. But I can't promise never.” There was a long pause, and Jaskier barely breathed, wondering if he'd managed to upset her as sleep crept up on him. 

“Not today is enough,” she said finally, sounding almost far away, and his breath hitched in his throat.

“Yeah,” he mumbled, voice thick with impending sleep. “When are you leaving?” The me he omitted at the tail end rang in his mind, unspoken but understood, heavy in the nighttime silence. She was supposed to leave in the morning, so he could either move on or finish what he’d set out to do; he wasn’t sure he wanted her to uphold that promise anymore.

“Not today.” He exhaled slowly. Not today is enough. And maybe, just maybe, enough not today's would add up to never. 

[ollieofthebeholder]

leaves too high to touch (roots too strong to fall): a TMA fanfic

Tumblr tag || Also on AO3

Chapter 41: Statement #0170703. Recording of a conversation between Elias Bouchard, Head of the Magnus Institute, and the staff of the Archives.

[CLICK]

ELIAS/JONAH

I suppose you’re all wondering why I’ve gathered you here.

[CHORUS OF MUTTERED GRUMBLES AND GROANS. ELIAS/JONAH CHUCKLES]

Yes, all right, perhaps a bit melodramatic, but—

PAST ARCHIVIST

I assume you called us here to apologize.

ELIAS/JONAH

Apologize?

PAST MARTIN

For not telling us Jon had been kidnapped.

TIM

Or, you know, anything else useful about this place. Like about the spooky fear beings that roam the earth hunting for unsuspecting victims. Or the fact that every statement we take or read feeds one of them. Or that it’s going to start changing us. You know. Take your pick.

ELIAS/JONAH

With regards to not telling you what had happened to Jon…it would have made little difference. Martin’s research, at least, would have been sloppier—

[PAST MARTIN SPUTTERS INDIGNANTLY]

—and going to the police would have served little purpose. Certainly they wouldn’t have been able to locate him. Even I wasn’t able to do that.

TIM

And I’m sure you were trying so very hard.

ELIAS/JONAH

I do have other things to do, but I assure you I was doing everything in my power to locate you, Jon.

As for not telling you anything else…it was important that you discover it for yourselves. It’s why I didn’t accept your application for the Archivist position, Sasha.

SASHA

Excuse me?

ELIAS/JONAH

You were Gertrude’s choice of successor, of course. I know the two of you were…close. I couldn’t be sure how much she had told you of what goes on in the Archives—what the job entails. Starting this job with too much knowledge would be dangerous.

SASHA

Bull. Shit.

PAST ARCHIVIST

(softly) Sasha.

SASHA

If you were that concerned about how much I knew, you wouldn’t have accepted Jon’s request to have me as an assistant. You’d have worried that I would have told him everything I learned from Gertrude on day one.

ELIAS/JONAH

On the contrary. I knew you wouldn’t.

Sasha. You are…very much like Gertrude. And like Gertrude, you keep your secrets close to your chest, don’t you? As Archivist, you would have kept your secrets, but they would have informed your direction of your assistants. You would have known why you were telling them to do things, but they would have been fully ignorant. A tactic which, I am afraid, did not always serve her well, and would have been equally ill-advised had you done so.

But as an assistant? In the first place, your actions would be limited. In the second place, I knew you would be frustrated with not having been chosen, and as a result, you would be more inclined to keep your own counsel. And then…well. I had no doubt that as you watched Jon fumble along, stumble over things you knew coming in, and come to his own conclusions, your curiosity would take over. How much would he learn on his own? How far would he get? How much could you do without his instruction, or knowledge? How much assistance would he need?

And what would happen if he was wrong?

SASHA

Wait. You assigned me as Jon’s assistant so I could…gloat?

ELIAS/JONAH

Of course not, Sasha. I assigned you as Jon’s assistant so there would be someone with enough knowledge to keep the rest of the team safe, and perhaps…direct things if need be.

SASHA

Gertrude hardly told me anything. We talked about my research, not hers.

ELIAS/JONAH

Yes. I have noticed that the one who seems to know the most about what’s going on…is you, Martin.

I did tell you knowledge can be dangerous. As can knowledge…ineptly applied.

PAST MARTIN

What’s that supposed to mean?

ELIAS/JONAH

I am aware of your actions on Friday afternoon. It’s quite fortunate that most of the other departments chose to send everyone home early, or the consequences might have been…disastrous. Had the creature encountered anyone else—

PAST MARTIN

Wait. W-wait. You knew?

ELIAS/JONAH

I’ve told you before, nothing escapes my notice at the Institute.

PAST MARTIN

Not about—that, that thing killed Diana and took her place—how long ago? Months? Have you known this whole time?

ELIAS/JONAH

…Hm. That’s an interesting sensation. Surprisingly pleasant. Tingly…but almost freeing.

PAST MARTIN

W-wh—? (realization hits) Oh, Christ.

ELIAS/JONAH

Please be aware, Martin, I am doing you the courtesy of answering honestly, but I do so of my own free will.

Yes. I knew the first time I encountered that creature that it was pretending to be Diana Caxton, and that the real Diana was dead.

SASHA

And you did nothing?

ELIAS/JONAH

What, exactly, would you have me do? Fire it?

What did any of you do when you found out?

PAST MARTIN

I thought you said you were “aware of my actions on Friday afternoon.”

ELIAS/JONAH

I would advise you to mind your tone, Martin.

TIM

(angrily) Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare.

ELIAS/JONAH

Now, really, Tim.

PAST ARCHIVIST

For God’s sake, Elias! For almost two years now we’ve been—fumbling around in the dark, stumbling from revelation to revelation. We’ve barely survived most of them—

ELIAS/JONAH

You underestimate your own resourcefulness.

PAST ARCHIVIST

—and all this time, you’ve been sitting up here, what, watching? You could have warned us any time, a-about any of it.

TIM

You knew Jon had been kidnapped and acted like it was just work-related. You let Martin destroy that table—

SASHA

—which you told Jon to do ages ago, when it was first delivered—

TIM

—and just fucked off for the weekend. Bet it was a shocker to you that he came in for work this morning.

ELIAS/JONAH

I admit, that was a bit—

[LOUD BANGING NOISE, LIKE TIM HAS JUST SLAMMED BOTH HANDS ON THE DESK]

TIM

Give me one good reason not to reach over this desk and strangle you.

ELIAS/JONAH

Now, Tim.

TIM

No jury in the world would convict me. And even if they did, I’d take the jail time if it meant being rid of you.

ELIAS/JONAH

Kill me, and all of you die as well.

PAST ARCHIVIST

What?

ELIAS/JONAH

I am the beating heart of this Institute. The nexus through which all of its power flows.

If I die, so does every single one of you. Every employee, every single person tied to the Institute. Gone in a single stroke.

[A SHOCKED PAUSE, THEN TIM STARTS LAUGHING, A BITTER, SLIGHTLY INCREDULOUS LAUGH]

TIM

I don’t believe you. Even you wouldn’t be stupid enough to make that kind of deal.

ELIAS/JONAH

Then prove it.

TIM

What?

ELIAS/JONAH

Go on, Tim. Kill me. Kill me and watch everyone you love die, right before your eyes, in the seconds before you do.

Here.

[DRAWER SLIDES OPEN]

[SEVERAL DIFFERENT SOUNDS OF ALARM]

ELIAS/JONAH

Take it. Much more effective than strangling me.

TIM

I—

ELIAS/JONAH

I never reloaded it after using it on Gertrude Robinson, but I never unloaded it either. Five shots remaining. One should be sufficient, though.

[SOUND OF PISTOL BEING COCKED]

PAST MARTIN

Tim…

ELIAS/JONAH

Do it, Tim.

Shoot me.

Call my bluff.

[LONG SILENCE]

[GUN SAFETY CLICKS BACK INTO PLACE]

[SOFT THUNK ON TABLETOP]

ELIAS/JONAH

I knew you didn’t have it in you.

[DRAWER SLIDES CLOSED]

Now then. If we’re finished with the histrionics and posturing, shall we get on with the discussion?

PAST ARCHIVIST

…Fine. Fine. What do you want?

ELIAS/JONAH

First of all. Martin.

What did happen to that creature after you destroyed the table? I thought I heard you telling Jon that you…smote it. Is that accurate?

PAST MARTIN

…I don’t know.

ELIAS/JONAH

Don’t lie to me.

PAST MARTIN

I’m not! I don’t know. I-I was—it tracked me down to the Archives. It chased Tim and me through the shelves a-and we couldn’t get to the doors, so we went down to the tunnels. It had us cornered. I—I closed my eyes and—

I honestly can’t tell you what happened after that. There was a roar and a scream, and when I opened my eyes, it was gone.

I-it might still be…down there somewhere. I don’t know. I d-don’t know if it’s something I did or something Tim did or something about the tunnels. I just know we were alone and clear to get out.

ELIAS/JONAH

…Fine.

To business, then. You know what it was?

PAST MARTIN

It—Gertrude called it the Not-Them. A creature that kills its victims and takes their place. It alters memories, pictures, recordings…anything that shows what the person was before.

Except…it doesn’t affect Polaroids, for some reason. Or magnetic tape recordings. A-and sometimes it leaves one or two people to remember what the person really looked like. It feeds off of that fear.

SASHA

We had a statement—one of the first ones we ever used the tape recorder for. A woman whose colleague was taken by one.

PAST ARCHIVIST

It’s a creature of the Stranger.

ELIAS/JONAH

Good! What do you know about the Stranger?

PAST ARCHIVIST

It—good God, Elias, really?

ELIAS/JONAH

It’s important that you learn this on your own, Jon. But I do need to know what you have learned.

[THE PAST ARCHIVIST SIGHS IN EXASPERATION]

PAST ARCHIVIST

It’s the fear of—the uncanny. The unknown. Things hidden and unseen. Masks, mannequins…clowns. For a long time, one of the primary figures involved was Gregor Orsinov, who ran a circus known as the Circus of the Other that toured over much of central and eastern Europe. For some time he was accompanied by Nikolai Denikin, former owner of that Calliaphone up in Artifact Storage.

TIM

“Be still, for there is strange music.”

PAST MARTIN

It’s the antithesis to…the Institute.

To us.

ELIAS/JONAH

Well. Perhaps not quite to all of you. After all, Jon is the Archivist, while the rest of you—

PAST ARCHIVIST

—have apparently helped enough to draw the Beholder’s attention.

ELIAS/JONAH

You really believe that.

PAST ARCHIVIST

Unless that ability to—to force people to answer your questions comes from something else, then yes!

SASHA

It’s not just Martin, either.

Ask them. I’ve been picking up the habit lately of just—Knowing things. Plucking secrets out of people’s minds and whatnot.

ELIAS/JONAH

Ah. I’m sure you enjoy that.

[SASHA INHALES SHARPLY]

TIM

Stop.

ELIAS/JONAH

And what of you, Tim? What has the Beholder gifted you with?

TIM

I can hear your sarcasm perfectly well, thank you, sir.

PAST MARTIN

(softly) Tim.

ELIAS/JONAH

Don’t think I can’t tell how resistant you are to it. To its pull, to what it wants. I don’t even need any powers I may have been granted to tell that.

I knew you would be the one to fight it the hardest. It’s why I assigned you to the Archives. Someone to argue, to push back, to resist the knowledge at every turn and give Jon more reason to look into—

TIM

(angrily) I can see when someone’s encountered one of the fears.

[A BRIEF SILENCE; TIM SEEMS TO HAVE ACTUALLY MANAGED TO CATCH ELIAS/JONAH OFF-GUARD]

ELIAS/JONAH

…How?

TIM

Colors. Call them auras if you want. I’ve been calling them…marks.

We’ve come across a few different…fear things. Not just the Beholder and the Stranger. There’s Jane Prentiss and her worms—we decided on calling that the Corruption, right?

PAST MARTIN

Right. A-and there’s the Lightless Flame, and…Michael. The, the Distortion?

PAST ARCHIVIST

Michael—well, it’s going by Helen now—is the Distortion, but according to…her, she’s a small part of something called the Spiral.

TIM

Yeah, well, whatever that is, it’s yellow. The Beholder is green. Can’t miss that, it’s fucking everywhere here. Hurts the eyes if you look at it too hard.

The Corruption is this weird sort of yellow-green. Like something sick. Like pus and rot. I can see it on Martin sometimes, his scars glow. Kind of weird, really. The Stranger’s more of an indigo.

There are more colors, but we’re still kind of sorting out all the fears. No idea how many there are.

Yet.

ELIAS/JONAH

Well. You’ve all certainly learned a great deal.

And I’m sure there’s more for you to learn. Hopefully you’ll have time.

PAST ARCHIVIST

And just what is that supposed to mean?

ELIAS/JONAH

The Unknowing.

Have you been made aware of it?

PAST ARCHIVIST

(tightly) Almost constantly.

ELIAS/JONAH

Then you know what it is.

SASHA

It’s the Stranger’s ritual. All of the entities have them. Something to bring that fear into the world and let it—no.

Not bring it into the world. Remake the world in its image. Craft our world so that it…belongs. They’re not quite suited for our environment.

TIM

Like if a human wanted to crawl into an anthill.

ELIAS/JONAH

A simplistic metaphor, but…essentially, yes. Beyond that, well, you’ll have to discover what it entails for yourself.

PAST MARTIN

It’s a dance.

ELIAS/JONAH

You just know that, do you?

TIM

I mean—literally every being connected with the Stranger we’ve met has called it the Dance. Gertrude’s the one that termed it the Unknowing on her tapes.

PAST MARTIN

No, the—

PAST ARCHIVIST

(overlapping) Wh-what? I—Orsinov definitely called it a dance. She said she was—th-there was a skin. A gorilla skin, at the Trophy Room. She wanted to wear it to “dance the world new”, she said. And she wanted to—

Who else called it that?

PAST MARTIN

The Not-Diana. When it was stalking us through the Archives.

She—it said something about me making “a lovely partner for the Dance.” But it said it was a shame I’d miss the Unknowing, too, so maybe that is what it’s actually called.

PAST ARCHIVIST

(softly) Oh, God.

TIM

It doesn’t matter, does it? Whatever the hell it’s called, we need to stop it.

Right?

ELIAS/JONAH

Yes. That is the task before you.

TIM

Great! How?

ELIAS/JONAH

That you will have to discover for yourselves.

[GENERAL CHORUS OF EXASPERATED GRUMBLES]

As Martin says, the Stranger is our opposition. It is the unknown, secrecy and lies. To simply tell you how to stop it…I suspect it wouldn’t work.

PAST ARCHIVIST

And I’m sure it wouldn’t please your master.

ELIAS/JONAH

Our master, Jon.

PAST ARCHIVIST

I never chose this.

None of us did.

ELIAS/JONAH

You never wanted this, no. But I’m afraid you absolutely did choose it. In a hundred ways, at a hundred thresholds, you pressed on. You sought knowledge relentlessly, and you always chose to see. Our world is made of choices, and very rarely do we truly know what any of them mean, but we make them nonetheless.

PAST ARCHIVIST

(sighs heavily) Fine. What now?

ELIAS/JONAH

I believe I made it perfectly clear—

SASHA

(interrupting impatiently) How long do we have?

ELIAS/JONAH

For what?

SASHA

Do you have any idea when the Unknowing is scheduled for? How long do we have to figure out how to stop it?

ELIAS/JONAH

I can’t see the future, Sasha. That it’s coming is obvious, from the fact that the Stranger has been gathering strength. When it’s coming…well.

I suspect you have until the preparations are complete. But that’s all I can say for certain.

TIM

(under his breath) Brilliant.

PAST ARCHIVIST

Is there anything you can tell us?

ELIAS/JONAH

You seem to be doing quite well with your research on your own. I’m sure Gertrude had notes on it.

Perhaps your next task should be to find them.

SASHA

Of course. That won’t be hard at all. She made everything so simple and easy to navigate…

PAST ARCHIVIST

Sasha.

ELIAS/JONAH

Yes, well, I’m sure you’re all up to the task. I suggest you get to it.

Jon, a word in private?

PAST MARTIN

We’ll just…be outside, Jon.

ELIAS/JONAH

That’s hardly necessary—

TIM

The hell it isn’t.

[DOOR OPENS, SHUFFLING FEET, DOOR CLOSES]

ELIAS/JONAH

You seem upset.

PAST ARCHIVIST

I can’t imagine what gave you that impression.

ELIAS/JONAH

I realize this has all been a bit much for you. Ordinarily I would suggest you take a day or two off work to recover, but this is rather pressing.

Your team has managed…adequately in the last two weeks—

PAST ARCHIVIST

(dismayed) Two weeks?

ELIAS/JONAH

—but they need your, mm, guiding hand, shall we say.

PAST ARCHIVIST

They—we need direction, Elias. So far we’ve been striking out at random and hoping we get lucky. Luck won’t carry us much farther. All we’ve managed to do is survive.

ELIAS/JONAH

That is actually quite the accomplishment, Jon.

PAST ARCHIVIST

Tim has been to one of the Strangers’ strongholds. They know him, they know his face. And if the—the Not-Them was after Martin, if it was threatening to wear him at the Unknowing, the Stranger is aware of him, too. The only one who might be safe from it is Sasha. I can’t—

ELIAS/JONAH

Ah, that reminds me. I have something here for you.

PAST ARCHIVIST

What?

[DRAWER SLIDES OPEN]

[RUSTLING OF PAPERS]

ELIAS/JONAH

A statement, in the form of a letter.

Read it.

PAST ARCHIVIST

I will.

ELIAS/JONAH

No, Jon. Now.

[DEEP INHALE FROM THE PAST ARCHIVIST]

[SILENCE, BROKEN ONLY BY THE FAINT RATTLE OF PAPER, LIKE IT’S BEING HELD BY SOMEONE WHOSE HANDS ARE SHAKING]

ELIAS/JONAH

Well?

PAST ARCHIVIST

Did he?

Leave him there?

ELIAS/JONAH

…

(does he sound faintly disappointed?) He did.

He got that letter, oh, yes, and was on good terms with Mordechai Lukas. He could have interceded, perhaps even saved him, but he did not. And it was not out of malice, or because he lacked affection for Barnabas Bennett: he retrieved those bones sadly enough when the time came. Bones that you can still find in my office, if you know where to look. No, it was because he was curious. Because he had to know, to watch and see it all.

That’s what this place is, Jon, never forget it. You may believe yourself to have friends, to have confidantes, but in the end, all they are is something for you to watch, to know, and ultimately to discard. This, at least, Gertrude understood.

PAST ARCHIVIST

…

Never.

I’m not stupid, Elias. Every time a Lukas comes up, the theme has been the same: Isolation. Separation. Loneliness. That’s what they thrive on. That’s what this is, that’s what Bennett was punished with.

I won’t fall into that trap. I won’t let myself become convinced that I don’t need anyone else. That’s the easiest path to becoming isolated, and I won’t take that risk.

I don’t believe I have friends. I know it. And I refuse to stand by and watch them suffer. If you honestly hoped I was the sort to do that, then you made the wrong choice in Archivist. I would never choose knowledge over someone I care about.

ELIAS/JONAH

You truly believe that.

PAST ARCHIVIST

It’s more than belief.

ELIAS/JONAH

Well. Far be it from me to disillusion you.

Just be mindful, Jon. Be careful of whom you allow to know who—or what—is important to you, or you think is important to you. Because if there is something you desire more than knowledge…it can be used against you.

PAST ARCHIVIST

Is that a threat?

ELIAS/JONAH

A warning.

Look, despite what you seem to think, I am on your side here. We all want to stop the world from ending, don’t we?

PAST ARCHIVIST

…Fine.

Is there anything else?

ELIAS/JONAH

No. That should be sufficient.

Go get something to eat, Jon. You must be…hungry.

[CLICK]

[saeysooo]

♚ yandere arcana ; main 6 headcanons {crybaby} ||

♡ tw: psychological terror, possession, manipulation, murder ♡ gender-neutral / female apprentice

♜ asra alnazar ; tag, you’re it ♜

They were your master, you their apprentice; But that relationship wasn’t enough to suffice Asra. NOT EVEN CLOSE! They wanted to be yours... Or more so they wanted you to be theirs!

They would watch you through your windows... In fact, they would follow you everywhere! You were so perfect to them, especially whenever you would get undressed after a long day of training. Your soft skin, the adoring stare in your innocent gaze... And yet you had no idea who was watching you behind open curtains.

“You’re so cute! I can just cut you up!”

“Let’s go on an adventure together... What do you say, darling? No..? It’s funny how you think you have a choice!!”

“Then how about we play tag~? If I win, you’re mine. If you win... Well, you’re still mine! You’re mine, ALL MINE!! Run darling!! RUN!”

Maniacal laughter invaded your thoughts, crawling across your skin as you ran for you fragile little life.

They pushed you to the ground, holding you in their dominating grip. At a loss for words, it was too late to scream for help, cry. And even if you did, they wouldn’t let you go!! YOU LOST THE GAME!!

They had no idea before... That YOU were their poison; the bittersweet wonder that they were always searching for on all their adventures into the unknown. There was no way they can give up such a rare flower!

Fluffy, white hair tickled your cheek, their lips dragging across your skin, leaving the mark of their adoration upon you.

“My mother used to tell me that I should pick the best lover... Oh, I love it when I hear your breathing... I know that you won’t ever leave me!”

Where were you...? CAN ANYONE HEAR?! HELP, PLEASE!! ...Ha, you’re talking to yourself!! Silly apprentice, they trapped you in their oasis~!!

♜ julian devorak ; mad hatter ♜

He’s absolutely. Fucking. INSANE.

Julian Devorak was CRAZY for you! Perhaps it was the drugs he experimented with that drove him to his insanity... Or not!

“WHERE IS MY PRESCRIPTION?!”

Maybe it was just the sole factor that you were the only person that showed so much attention to him!! He drowned himself in your touch, the mere sight of you. There wasn’t anything he wouldn’t do just to hear you call him such endearing things; things only reserved for HIM!

“Wonderland is wherever you are, pumpkin!!”

There wasn’t one dream where you weren’t in it; driving him absolutely nuts. There were so many wondrous things the two of you would do: Skinny dipping in a rabbit hole, painting roses red with his blood, getting high together off helium. Or perhaps the two of you can get drunk off a blue caterpillar and fool around?

The feeling of you being in his mere presence made him want to tear the skin off of him, he wanted so badly just to hold you!!

“IT’S ALWAYS JULIAN NO, JULIAN PLEASE JUST LISTEN! Pumpkin, you DON’T UNDERSTAND! My brain is absolutely SCATTERED whenever you are around, can’t you see!?!”

And by lord how much he loved roleplaying in the bedroom with you. He would go as far as to make costumes and everything to get the scene he wanted to play out absolutely perfect!

“How about this~ Oh I know let’s do some improv acting!! It can be a drama! You can be Alice, and I’ll be the Mad Hatter!”

No matter who you told, nobody would accept or believe that Julian was absolutely insane. He was beyond a histrionic, and it was all because of you. You did this to him. You made him fall in love so fucking hard it drove him mad. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?! 

♜ nadia satrinava ; cake ♜

Everything about you was absolutely divine to the Countess. They would bend over backwards to make you happy, to have you stay in their loving gaze. Even if you wanted to leave... She wouldn’t allow it! Can’t you see?! YOU’RE ALL HERS!

Every night you would return home, Nadia felt as if a huge part of herself was missing. You were perfect to her, don’t get her wrong... But there was one ingredient to you missing that was stopping you from being absolutely divine: Her love.

You were warm to her like an oven, your kisses upon her cheek always so sweet like sugar. Your fingers were silk-like, every single time you touched her. Your skin tasted like buttercream and you smelled like vanilla! Every sense she felt around you was filled with empty calories... Calories that would never satisfy her until you were all hers.

You saw her as nothing but a friend... And oh how much she hated that. The thought of you not being more than such a berating title made her skin crawl, her jaw tightening with anger. 

It was when you started dating someone else that she felt more than betrayal... Oh no she went ABSOLUTELY. FUCKING. MAD. 

“I am NOT a piece of cake, flower!! How can you just discard me like I didn’t love you more than them?! HOW CAN YOU LEAVE ME WITH NOTHING BUT A FROSTED HEART THAT WAS SUPPOSE TO BE YOURS?!”

“I planned everything out perfectly when I was with you!! The dates, the outfits, the sex! ALL OF IT!!”

Nonetheless... she found a way to forgive you. That’s what a Countess does, forgive those who have made mistakes!! Oh how much you will miss your lover... But it will be okay! Soon you will have another!!

“I’m taking back what’s mine... And showing you a slice of heaven that you can have when you are mine. Not that you weren’t already mine~!”

♜ muriel of the kokhuri ; teddy bear ♜

What was once his cold, exposed heart? He couldn’t even remember anymore. Despite all his attempts to push you away, isolate himself once more... You showed him love, gave him a space in your heart that was unmeasurable. And he didn’t want to admit how much he loved it.

You could never be scared of Muriel, knowing he was just a big teddy bear! You found it absolutely endearing whenever he talked in his sleep, saying all the things he would do to you, nervous beyond belief!!

It was when you started finding knives under his pillow in the morning, crumpled photos that he had drawn of you, destroyed pieces of wood that he whittled of you... That doubt began to sprout in the midst of your naive heart. Should you be scared?

What was once a comforting and quiet energy... Became malicious and violent. His love for you seemed to only extend farther than what you could perceive “healthy.” How can love become so violent?! What happened to the sweet, gentle giant that sparked a newfound feeling in his mind?!

There was only one thing you wish you did... RUN.

It was when you disposed of the myrrh he had given you to forget him... That he went absolutely mad. How can you just try to dispose of him?! ACT LIKE YOU DIDN’T KNOW HIM? HOW COULD YOU??!

What was a normal, rainy day was filled with nothing but sheer terror. He was inside your home!! WHO WAS HE?! ... YOU’RE SCARED! But oh how you had brought this upon yourself!! SO WHAT IF YOU’RE FUCKING SCARED?!

You were unprepared when his heavy breaths radiated off of the walls, bouncing around inside your mind... He was absolutely silent... When he tried to bring a knife down upon you.

♜ portia devorak ; dollhouse ♜

There was nothing Portia wanted more than for you and her to be a perfect couple, someday a perfect family even. Pepi, you, and her... Alone in her cottage, living a domestic life. How wonderful does that sound? Absolutely HEAVENLY to her, that’s for sure!!

To the public, you and Portia were, in fact, the perfect couple! She was absolutely angelic to anyone who met her eye, and you were her darling lover, an endearing doll of hers that she kept close to her. She opened the walls of her home to you, to her heart!

But soon people started to see something... different between you two. Were you really as perfect as you looked?

She’s coming... SHE’S COMING!! Swinging the attic door open, her wide smile offered an array of madness that couldn’t begin to be assessed. Her giggles filled your ears, what was once something you loved became something you came to fear. 

When was the last time you truly thought for yourself? Portia did everything for you. She coddled you, fed you, dressed you, did your makeup, told you when you can speak, when you were to sleep. There wasn’t a moment where you were anything else but her rag doll, controlled and motivated under her loving hand.

“You were absolutely wonderful today, doll!! The way people looked at us. We’re perfect together!! EVERYONE THINKS IT, DON’T YOU?”

No matter how perfect everyone thought the two of you to be, you saw what everyone else didn’t see of Portia... How terrifyingly. Fucking. Insane she was.

But this is all your fault. You tried to run, tried to ruin the perfect facade Portia built up in her head. She just had to take things into her own hands to make sure you stayed! AND NOW LOOK WHAT HAPPENED!!

♜ lucio morgasson ; milk and cookies ♜

What else is there to say?! He LOVES YOU!! 

He locked the doors of the palace at night. He needed to know you were there with him, in his arms, sound asleep... But when you tried to run, Lucio lost his trust in you; Trust that you can be alone.

“YOU SHOULD THINK TWICE BEFORE YOU TRY TO FUCKING CALL FOR HELP AGAIN, LITTLE BIRD!!”

Every night became the same; Lucio spiking the milk that put you to sleep; enough poison in it where he would be able to bend you to his will. Day by day, you grew weaker, unable to think for yourself. He took his chance to hold you then, singing a lullaby to you until you were... absolutely... knocked out...

“Do you want me, little bird? Of course, I’ll hold you!! I’m here!”

When the plague hit, did Lucio care? Absolutely not!! All that mattered was that you were with him, until death did you part! But when Lucio got sick, ill-ridden with the plague... He needed a final resort... Something that would assure you both would be TOGETHER FOREVER

“I baked you cookies, darling bird. Do you like them? ...Do you want to know the secret ingredients? Well, it’s a little bit of sugar... And a LOT of poison! ...Oh look how tired you’re getting. Perhaps I should put you to bed? The plague can’t kill you if I do first~! But don’t worry!! I’ll be join you VERY soon, my beautiful bird!”

He held you close to him, the sickening look in his reddened eyes absolutely deadly, filled with lust. There was nothing more soothing than seeing the pure innocence on your face when you were asleep. He sang you a final lullaby, before he set the room aflame... Ashes, ashes... If he was going to die, you were going to go down with him!! Amongst the fire surrounding him, he found solstice in knowing you were waiting for him, beckoning him to join you in the supple whisper of death. Because even in death... You couldn’t escape him; Death couldn’t do you part!

═════☩══♛══☩═════

*Author’s Note: I re-listened to the crybaby album and heard certain lines in different songs that set off my yandere writing radar. I stayed in my seat for 4 hours writing this as well... So I really hope you enjoyed!

═════☩══♛══☩═════

[chasing-rabbits]

I think something people find hard to deal with when it comes to borderline personality disorder is it literally affects ALL emotional states. Not just mania and severe depression but trust love paranoia anger anguish etc etc it affects everything and unlike most people who can stay in charge of their emotions most of the time or at least damage control most of us with BPD can't the difference is physiogically we actually feel emotions more intensely and we feel these emotions for longer so it's really hard to explain to someone why the smallest thing sets us into suciidal idealisation but to us it's a really big deal because our emotions are unstable and unregulated and it takes a lot of therapy and work that often times isn't even offered to us because alot of people are skeptical of the disorder and even then it's not something that will ever go away like an addict we will always have to be on guard of our emotions we can't even. Let ourselves just be happy because so often a normal event like for me Xmas time can trigger manic episodes and this then causes me to drink and spend excessively and to not sleep and to be super unstable and you think well hey just learn to control it but the issue is it's not a slow burner for me one minute I'm depressed and suicidal an hour later I'm triggered into severe mania and it will last the whole weekend leading up to Xmas sometimes a whole week before Xmas you know ? And it just happens like the flick of a switch and that's really hard to prepare for because in other conditions for example I have bipolar it's usually a slow burner and I can pre-empt and even figure out my cycles for example I used to be mixed affective in the new year and manic over Easter and this happened every year for 3 years before I was officially diagnosed so I kinda knew also it was never as intense I felt depressed and sad and cried I felt manic and happy and drank but BPD is on a whole other level what I felt with BPD was even more intense and more unstable because of its unpredictability than the bipolar ever was .

That's the problem . People hear bipolar and think damn that's awful people hear borderline personality disorder and think eh it's nothing she's just melodramatic because it can appear that we are divas because we get triggered by the littlest of things but that's how it is and I've been told multiple times by professionals I will just grow out of it . But honestly that idea is so toxic that it just simply goes away forever and I've been told medication won't help and the only therapy they offer includes the first half focusing on mindfulness which actually can make someone with BPD more suicidal and this group therapy isn't even specific to those with BPD it's one therapy fits all and that's toxic logic . So my mum might end up paying for therapy for me because I can't afford it.

But so many therapists and doctors aren't even educated well enough on borderline personality disorder or are critics of it so even in the professionals eyes their is stigma attached to having this diagnosis .

And there in lies the problem.

This disorder has made me attempt suicide 3 time and self harm more times than I can count.

I did everything from cutting to burning to hitting myself with heavy objects to scratching my legs to pieces .

And yet it's still not seen as serious or taken seriously or even diagnosed correctly by professionals.

And this stigma NEEDS to stop.

BPD is a dangerous disorder and often gets the person suffering it engaging in self destructive behaviours from self harm to full blown eating disorders to suicide attempts to drug and substance abuse this illness comes with deadly consequences because it leads to wreckless impulsive behaviours.

And just remember this next time we are intensely scared of abandonment and because of this we may lash out at loved ones and friends but it comes out of a place of fear and instead of dismissing us you should try to talk to us get us to communicate these fears as to better understand what may seem as histrionic diva behaviours. And then we can work on our behaviours to further better our trust issues and fears of abandonment !

For example I now express these fears with my partner and tell him directly I need you to cuddle me reassure me even if you've done it a million times today I just need to hear you say it again. And yes sometimes he gets frustrated with me because there's only so many times someone can reassure you in a day. But also this has helped me grow. Even without therapy anymore I tried the therapy offered and the mindfulness made me feel awful also I wasn't actually allowed to talk about any of my issues because it would or could trigger others in the group so it was a pile of shit.

But I've grown over time too from reading and listening to others with BPD and their experiences with partners and how they handle it . And the biggest thing was on YouTube video I found one day where she said communication was everything and how you've gotta explain the thought process behind your beliefs and actions because to an outsider even a loved one our thoughts are hard to decode even to ourselves sometimes it's hard to understand the underlying issue causing the meltdown. And also she is the one that said sometimes you have to be direct and say exactly what you need down to every last detail because yes you have to learn to handle things on your own sometimes but this idea that we cannot ever be dependent on a good support system is bullshit people with disorders and especially BPD NEED an excellent support system in which they can express their feelings and feel validated and understood and have a place they can be themselves because one of the root causes of BPD is when in childhood said child is not allowed to express emotions and if they do they are invalidated or ignored or told off for showing them.

As well as other abuses causing BPD .

So when we get older we have all these maladaptive coping mechanisms like self harm because we've been told our emotions our pain isn't real or isn't valid and causing visible pain on the form of cuts and scars and bruises or even in the form of an eating disorder almost validates to ourselves that this pain was and is real and it does matter .

And that's why self harm is a criteria for BPD.

And it's so hard because so often because of our past we now over react to little situations minor arguments with tears and fears of abandonment and this leads people to think we are a drama queen and over reacting for attention or faking it for attention but in our minds our fears and thoughts of Self harm and suicide are very very real. Because we have little handle on our emotions . Or our impulsive dangerous thoughts . So as a child we are invalidated and then when we develop BPD we are once again invalidated and this time viewed as inauthentic or over reacting drama queens for attention which then leads us to fall deeper into our pit of despair because no one understands our maladaptive coping mechanisms.

They see our bpd behaviours but don't understand the reasons why and instead of saying oh it's because she's mentally ill and has a personality disorder it's criticised as even being a disorder and is instead a young adult playing up for attention or spoilt brat syndrome and that it's something we will simply grow out of as if it's a phase rather than something that has been built out of years of invalidation and abuse and was our only way of coping and now we've lost all control of our emotional state and the issue with personality disorders is people are like don't let your mental illness define you but with a personality disorder especially one like borderline personality disorder which affects everything you think or do or feel it's very very hard because from a young teen or pre teen where we develop personality traits we have developed this disorder that literally molds and shapes our personality and what it means to be us and whilst you can change to an extent and try to overcome this it's very very hard to entirely leave it behind and yes whilst I have my own unique traits and styles of dressing and jokes and humour that you could argue make up my personality it doesn't take long to put two people with BPD in a room and see the striking similar personality traits that make us these maladaptive beings due to our past.

Whether people want to agree or not our emotions in this case are not always in our control and we aren't acting out on purpose or for attention it's usually out of fear or intense emotional pain and quite often it feels as though someone else is controlling our emotional responses quite often people with BPD have identity crises because when they are diagnosed and educated on BPD it becomes very aware that our emotions and traits are not always ours but the disorders and you find yourself questioning who am I without my disorder like I know who I would be without my bipolar but I honestly can't say I'm at the point yet where I'd say I know who I would be without bpd because for so long it's all I've known from my childhood to young adulthood I've never known anything different about myself and where does my real personality start and my disorder end because my disorder whether I like it or not does affect me fundamentally as who I am how I behave what I do and where I go and the jobs I hold etc etc and my realtionships with those around me more so than most other disorders because as it says in the name it's a personality disorder and that is why it's so hard to diagnose because the symptoms and criteria in the diagnostic manual psychiatrists use just lists mostly a list of personality traits BUT these traits are all normal traits healthy people could have as my psychology professor taught me but it's up to the professional to judge if you experience them to a higher degree than others and certain traits together then it's a personality disorder this is also why self diagnosis is extremely dangerous because you could look at the criteria for BPD and say that fits my personality but you don't know if you experience these personality traits so severely that you'd be considered as having BPD I got my bipolar diagnosis super quick but it took at least 6months maybe a year even before I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder!

This disorder has one of the higher sucide rates and this is for good reason because having BPD often brings its friends in the form of addictions and dangerous impulsive risky behaviours .

And yet no one takes it seriously we don't have documentaries about it compared to bipolar or schizophrenia or anorexia no one talks about the deadly killer that is borderline personality disorder and that needs to change !

[pedra-ring-blog]

Top 10 Greatest Leonardo DiCaprio Movies of All Time

Source We all love Leo for his promising performance. May he be a bad boy, a romantic boyfriend, or a mentally-ill child, we couldn't deny the fact that he's an incredible actor. Plus, he's the King of Freak-Out scenes! Now, let's find out his top 10 greatest movie roles of all time. 1. Titanic

His most popular movie performance of all is playing Jack Dawson in the award-winning 1997 movie, Titanic. This box-office, record-breaking movie that stunned millions of people across the globe has made a worldwide phenomenon that goes deep down in history. Besides the heart-breaking story of the tragic ship, there's also Leo and Kate's chemistry that binds the audiences into a more level of attachment. No doubt, it's still the summit of Leo's career, and one of the greatest old-school movies to come out of Hollywood in the last 20 years. Fun facts: Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet committed to the film even before the script was written, on the basis only of a 165-page outline James Cameron had written.The hands seen sketching Rose are not Leonardo DiCaprio's, but director James Cameron's. In post-production, Cameron, who is left-handed, mirror-imaged the sketching shots so the artist would appear to be right-handed, like DiCaprio.Both Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio learned how to dance the polka for the scenes set at the party in the third-class compartments.Johnny Depp was offered the role of Jack Dawson, but turned it down, and considers it a big regret. 2. What's Eating Gilbert Grape

Source In this emotional, tear-jerking movie, our young Leo plays Arnie Grape, who is a mentally handicapped teenager. He's the younger brother of Gilbert (Johnny Depp), who struggles to bring their family out of difficult circumstances. Leo's performance as a mentally disabled teen is so convincing, it'll make you think that he's definitely not normal at all. This movie brought our young Leo to his first Oscar-nominated role. It's just so sad that he won't be able to tell his "Mamma" about his Oscar award, because she won't wake up anymore. Fun facts: Leo said that playing Arnie Grape was "the most fun I've ever had."When getting into character, Leo remarked of it. I spent a few days at a home for mentally retarded teens. We just talked and I watched their mannerisms. People have these expectations that mentally retarded children are really crazy, but that isn't so. It's refreshing to see them because everything's so new to them."Leo created Arnie's trademark flicking his finger against his nose, describing it as a sort of "brain wipe...like Arnie is massaging the inside of his brain."Leo really did not bathe during the period in filming when Arnie refused to go near water! 3. Romeo + Juliet

Before Leo had the role of Jack in Titanic, he's already a hot icon for being the handsome, sexy, and romantic boyfriend that every single ladies dream of having. Set in the modern era, Baz Luhrmann's histrionic, gang-war-filled setting take on the classic play. Although Kate and Leo's chemistry is so much perfect in Titanic, it is undeniably true that Leo and Claire's pair up is also stunning. Fun facts: Leonardo DiCaprio's version of Romeo's speech at Juliet's bier was so good it movedClaire Danes to tears, nearly ruining the scene. The moment the director yelled "cut!," Danes smacked DiCaprio on the arm and said, "Don't make me cry. I'm supposed to be comatose, here!"Leonardo DiCaprio was Baz Luhrmann's first choice to play Romeo.Claire Danes and Leonardo DiCaprio initially did not get along well on set. Danes accused Leonardo DiCaprio of being immature, while Leo said Danes was just uptight. 4. Catch Me If You Can

Source Who would've thought that this handsome, good-looking man is a fugitive? Not in real life though, but in Steven Spielberg's hit movie, "Catch Me if You Can". Leo is Frank Abagnale, a real-life con-man who traveled around the country and lived the high life as he impersonated pilots, lawyers, and doctors. Leo's acting from one character to another is just so promising, we'll all convinced that he's not just impersonating. Fun facts: To get her to achieve the way he wanted her to sloppily kiss Leonardo DiCaprio, Steven Spielberg asked Amy Adams to pretend she was starving to death and eating a cheeseburger.According to the real Frank Abagnale Jr. approximately 80 percent of the movie is true.When Frank begins recruiting decoy flight attendants; when announcing the girls picked he announces the actresses by real name.17-year-old Frank tells Brenda he's 28 years old, which was Leonardo DiCaprio's true age when Catch Me If You Can premiered in 2002. 5. The Departed

Source One of the most intense roles that Leo ever had was playing the role of Billy Costigan as a cop infiltrating the mob. Together with Matt Damon as a mobster infiltrating the police force, the film is an intricate, fascinating tale of competing cat-and-mouse games. However, the film director and his screenwriter infuse it with so much tragedy that it winds up becoming something almost mythic. But seeing Leo's performance is just so intense, in a totally unglamorous way by being a desperate man who almost loses his identity. It's one of his all-time greatest performances. Fun facts: Leo could've won an Oscar award for this movie. A possible reason why he did not receive an Oscar nomination for his performance in this movie was because the Warner Bros. Studios initially did not want to favor him over his co-stars and place him in the leading actor category. The studio favored his leading performance in Blood Diamond (2006) (which eventually got him a nomination). DiCaprio himself refused to campaign against his male co-stars in the supporting actor category, so Warner bought no supporting actor ads for DiCaprio, and he did not receive a nomination.Leonardo DiCaprio was cast in the title role in The Good Shepherd (2006).Leonardo DiCaprio called his one-on-one scene with Jack Nicholson "one of the most memorable moments of my life." 6. Django Unchained

Source Playing the matured role of a slave owner Calvin Candie in a smooth and attractive way is definitely a credit to Leo's amazing talent. His dirty, racist, and demented heart on Quentin Tarantino's hit movie "Django Unchained" brought him into a remarkable role of being the bad guy playing his cards on a sophisticated way. This is a man who breeds and forces his slaves to fight each other, who has a weird fascination with France, and who is, at heart, a murderous psychotic. Fun facts: When Leonardo DiCaprio's character Calvin Candie smashes his hand on the dinner table, the actor accidentally crushed a small stemmed glass with his palm and really began to bleed. DiCaprio ignored it, stayed in character, and continued with the scene. Tarantino was so impressed that he used this take in the final print, and when he called cut, the room erupted in a standing ovation. DiCaprio's hand was bandaged and he suggested the idea of smearing blood onto the face of Kerry Washington. Tarantino and Washington both liked this, so Tarantino got some fake blood together.During the filming of one of the dinner scenes, Leonardo DiCaprio had to stop the scene because he was having "a difficult time" using so many racial slurs. Samuel L. Jackson then pulled him aside telling him, "Motherfucker, this is just another Tuesday for us." 7. The Basketball Diaries

Source Another young Leo movie, this is just one of the many proofs that Leo was born to act. His role in the movie adaptation of Jim Carroll's memoir, The Basketball Diaries, is a big shift from playing the sweet, innocent, and mentally-challenged Arnie in "What's Eating Gilbert Grape" to a high school basketball star, who eventually becomes broken, and worse, a homeless drug addict. But Leo's flexible character made him so amazing in this movie, which brought a dramatic atmosphere in his struggles as a broken teenager. Fun facts: The guy Jim talks to in the underground drugden, is the real Jim Carroll.Leonardo DiCaprio and Juliette Lewis previously appeared together in What's Eating Gilbert Grape (1993).This is the first film with Leonardo DiCaprio and Mark Wahlberg. They would later appear together in The Departed.Jim Carroll was unaware of who Leonardo DiCaprio was at first. "When they first told me it was gonna be Leo, I didn't know who he was," Carroll told The Los Angeles Times. "If they'd said the kid from Growing Pains (1985), I would have known, because when I first saw that kid, I said, 'This kid has a lot of presence.' I said, 'That kid is very pretty. He's gonna do well.'"To prepare for his role, Leonardo DiCaprio hung out in Greenwich Village and went to a poetry reading with Carroll. 8. The Aviator

Source This movie is another Martin Scorsese's. Leo plays the role of Howard Hughes in his early years of being an inventor, and at the same time, a bigtime millionaire businessman. He's facing a lot of problems in almost everything. As he tries to continue chasing his plans and dreams, there are times when he's about to get mad, and Leo's characterization on this part of Howard's life is truly convincing. He's definitely a great actor for this movie. Fun facts: Leonardo DiCaprio spent a day with Jane Russell to hear her memories and impressions of Howard Hughes. She was very impressed with DiCaprio's visit and told him that Hughes was a quiet yet extremely stubborn man who always got his way in the end.Howard Hughes' Los Angeles home in the film was actually the home he lived on Muirland Drive.Leonardo DiCaprio received an Oscar nomination for playing Howard Hughes.Leonardo DiCaprio (standing roughly 6ft) is several inches smaller than the actual Howard Hughes (6ft4). 9. Revolutionary Road

This 2008 movie is kind of special, as Leo and his Titanic partner Kate were reunited for this adaptation of Richard Yates' classic novel "Revolutionary Road". This movie is mainly about suburban despair and two adults who realizes that life is not as easy as one-two-three. Contrary to their adventurous and colorful characters in Titanic, their roles in this movie is matured and somehow full of problems. Leo's excellent performance in this movie is his signature freak-out, where we're all stunned and scared for a moment as he burst out his anger and disappointment. Fun facts: While directing the love scene between Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet, director Sam Mendes (husband of Winslet at the time) opted to watch the monitor from another room.This was the second movie Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet worked on together since Titanic (1997). Paramount Pictures, which distributed the early film in the U.S., was the worldwide distributor of this film.This film marked the second time Kate Winslet has been in a movie where she makes love in a vintage car, and someone's hand hits the window and slides down it in the throes of passion. The first time was in Titanic (1997). 10. The Man in the Iron Mask

Source After the success of Titanic comes this movie. Leo, who played the sneering, playboy King Louis XIV with his long-imprisoned twin has become a hit after Leo's stardom in Titanic. Young Leo was so versatile, he was able to play two different characters in one movie! Besides, we can also see Leo in his elegant robes while hiding the fact that there's something more dreadful in those shiny dress. Fun facts: Leonardo DiCaprio's mask was made out of polystyrene.Louis XIV did have a brother named Philippe, but he was not a twin. He was several years younger, a flamboyant homosexual, and had the title Duc d'Orleans.MGM discovered the audience the movie attracted was "directly related to appeal of Leonardo DiCaprio", being 55% female and 46% under the age of 25.The film cast includes two Oscar winners: Leonardo DiCaprio and Jeremy Irons; and two Oscar nominees: John Malkovich and Gérard Depardieu. Read the full article

[elizadoolittlethings]

Invaders from Mars written and directed by Mark Gatiss

What’s it about: Hallowe'en 1938. A year after a mysterious meteorite lit up the skies of New York state, Martian invaders laid waste to the nation. At least, according to soon-to-be infamous Orson Welles they did. But what if some of the panicked listeners to the legendary War of the Worlds broadcast weren't just imagining things? Attempting to deliver Charley to her rendezvous in Singapore 1930, the Doctor overshoots a little, arriving in Manhattan just in time to find a dead private detective. Indulging his gumshoe fantasies, the Doctor is soon embroiled in the hunt for a missing Russian scientist whilst Charley finds herself at the mercy of a very dubious Fifth Columnist. With some genuinely out of this world 'merchandise' at stake, the TARDIS crew are forced into an alliance with a sultry dame called Glory Bee, Orson Welles himself and a mobster with half a nose known as 'The Phantom'. And slowly but surely, something is drawing plans against them. Just not very good ones...

Breathless Romantic: Throwing away all of the incoherent nonsense that was suggested in Minuet in Hell, Mark Gatiss kicks off the second year of the 8th Doctor’s audio adventures by writing for his character with as much zest and enthusiasm as possible. He is extraordinarily fun throughout, making it all up as he goes along and juggling up super powers and Martians with equal aplomb. The closest comparison I can think of is Tom Baker in Talons of Weng-Chiang – in that story the Doctor seems to adore the living homage he is experiencing and has a sense of glee about the whole experience, throwing out witty lines and dazzling the enemies with his fiendishness. That’s exactly the same feeling I got with the 8th Doctor and Invaders of Mars – that he loved every second of his stroll around 1930’s America.

He loves a detective story and always seems to end up helping the police with their enquiries. It is a constant mystery to the Doctor that whilst he is showing his companions the wonders of the universe they are striving to get home and return to a normal life. He has a stab at the witty film noir-ish dialogue swearing that he is an expert at the local patter but Glory Bee merely thinks he is ill. He only sleeps once in a while. Every now and then he treats himself to a complete makeover – what a great way of explaining regeneration. By episode three he is juggling the Nazis, the Russians, the CIA, gangsters and Martians and he barely breaks a sweat. Devine asks if he is a part of Victorian revival week. He is a huge fan of Orson Welles and has seen all of his movies even though they haven’t been made yet. He has the brilliant plan of using the War of the Worlds scare to scare of a genuine alien threat and wants to get in on the action so orders Charley into the TARDIS so he can grab the mike and have a go at playing the monsters trying to take over the world!

Edwardian Adventuress: Does Charley appear in this? Not really…she is kidnapped early in episode one, drugged in episode two, escapes in episode three and tails behind the Doctor in episode four. This is the Doctor’s story through and through but never mind as the next story is the ultimate Charley story.

Great Ideas: As you can imagine this is full of the imagination you would come to expect from one of the League of Gentlemen. Cosmo Devine is such a fantastic character, the life and soul of every party and the biggest crook on the planet! He uses Jimmy and Biro and murders them both afterwards. Glory Bee is revealed to be a Russian Agent and ends up falling off the Brooklyn Bridge to her watery death. The Nazis, the Soviets and the CIA all want to get their hands on the alien technology and created weapons to control the world. I love how the Martian scare of War of the Worlds is subtly squeezed into the story around all the political shenanigans going on elsewhere. It is a great use of a genuine historical event. Devine’s associates turn out to be the Nazi’s and he is a most unusual sympathiser and has visions of the Master Race with flying saucers and death rays – it is such a clichéd idea but a refreshing way of telling the same sort of story. The story really kicks off when Streath and Noriam show up – adult aliens who are as mischievous as the Slitheen when it comes to manipulating the human race and exploiting their wealth. It is basically one big protection racket where they shoot a ship full of alien eggs to different planets and let them hatch and cause the local populace to panic. After fooling them into thinking they are vulnerable they step in and look after them for a modest fee! Devine cottons on to their scheme and steps in to convince them to actually conquer the world! The Doctor sneakily arranges a second broadcast of War of the Worlds for the aliens benefit only and they scarper thinking that beefier invaders have turned up.

Sparkling Dialogue: This is probably Mark Gatiss’ strongest script for Doctor Who when it comes to witty dialogue – it is as sharp as a needle being dragged down your arm! Gatiss clearly adored Devine and every single syllable he utters is as gorgeous as his name. ‘I see little green men all the time! All I need is a few hours with my old friend Jack Daniels!’ ‘I better get you to a darkened room’ ‘I beg your pardon?’ ‘Nice equipment’ ‘I bet you say that to all the girls’ ‘Listen to me you lousy faggot!’ ‘What are you waiting for, Fritzy?’ ‘Martians! From the planet Mars! The red one you passed on the way in…’ ‘’How does it feel to betray your own planet?’ ‘A lot like betraying your own country but a teensy bit more satisfying.’ ‘Err��what’s that ticking?’

Audio landscape: Good golly gosh! Gary Russell is not directing this baby! Wonders will never cease! Gatiss treats this piece like a labour of love and makes it sound as authentic as possible with lots of brilliant US accents and framing the story within a radio broadcast. Cars blast their horns in the pack American traffic, windows smash, the TARDIS grinds through the vortex and there is a fabulous 30’s style death ray effect. I loved the sequence when the Doctor opens up the second storey window and lets in the noise of the traffic, they clamber down the clattering fire escape and bullets bounce off of the walls. Welles reading War of the Worlds in episode two is very creepy. The tacky and melodramatic voices for Streath and Noriam are belly-ache funny. Insects hum in the evening air. Music: It was a wise move to include less music as it allows you to focus much more on the performances but the dramatic stings at the end of scenes really drives home the feel of a 1930’s radio broadcast. The Doctor Who theme is worked in a few times to amusing effect. Standout Performance: What a cast! How can you choose one performance in this repertoire? John Arthur rocks on as the delightful Cosmo Devine, one of the slimiest Doctor Who villains it has been my pleasure to listen to – a homosexual Nazi sympathiser with all the wit of Noel Coward and the ruthlessness of Genghis Khan! Streath and Noriam are a very amusing pair; one is a histrionic world conqueror and the other a cataloguer in awe of what the planet has to offer. Any story with Jessica Stevenson and Simon Pegg is going to stink of quality and Don Chaney and Glory Bee allow them to have great fun with a number of accents. A small mention as well for Ian Hallard’s squeaky voiced Mouse in the first episode who meets a very unfortunate end. Result: I am starting to wonder if I used to be a superficial youth (despite always thinking the contrary as all youths do!) as I used to find this story as boring as sin but in hindsight this is one of the better McGann audios with an infectious sense of fun and lots of marvellous and imaginative ideas. Using the real War of the Worlds Martian scare to excellent effect and giving Paul McGann to take centre stage and wow his audience, Mark Gatiss proves to be the perfect choice to kick of the second season of 8th Doctor Audios. The plotting is watertight and the characters manage to walk that fine line between realism and melodrama with Cosmo Devine taking the place as the campest Nazi sympathiser of all time. India Fisher is sidelined completely but that just makes way for some other fantastic performances and a general feeling of old school Doctor Who produced with real verve. A very strong start: 8/10

[mulechurchyard-blog]

What I mean when I say Ex-Gay

“Because you see we boys are like that. We are more afraid of the medicine than of the illness”

                                                                                   Pinocchio,Carlo Collodi

Over the 2015/16 festive period I had two epiphanies: (i) I wasn’t gay and (ii) there is a God.

There was a gap of around a month between the two. During that month, I unpicked my former identity, and I realised that I had been had: the concept of homosexual identity is lie, and the way that the lie is maintained is incredibly complex and damaging. At first, I wondered how I could become a secular voice who could help people see what I had seen, but God had other plans. In a few short weeks he had saved me for Himself, and now I knew that my message would be so outrageous there was no chance of being listened to. I knew what I was like before, and there was no way I would have listened… or maybe I would have listened a little bit, secretly. I might therefore have read on, if just to be outraged.

Having crossed the boundaries between the two worlds, I realised there is a problem to which there are four parts:

(i)            LGBT people do not understand Christianity

(ii)           Christians do not understand LGBT people

(iii)         LGBT people do not understand themselves

(iv)          Christians do not understand Christianity

So, as far debate and dialogue between LGBT people and Christians are concerned, things were never going to go well. As someone who has now experienced both, this blog sets out to address that a bit.

First, to state what I do not support. A couple of weeks back, there was an episode ofRupaul’s Drag Race (which I find fascinating) where one of the competitors broke down crying as he described his Christian parents subjecting him to an exorcism to rid him of a gay demon. That is spiritual abuse. No one can change for the sake of someone else. We each have a cross to bear, and it is our choice in how to bear it. It must be acknowledged that once a child is an adult, then they are on their own journey. Whilst love and guidance remain essential, that guidance must not be authoritarian (in fact authoritarian parenting may have been part of the problem in the first place). It goes without saying that verbal, physical, spiritual and emotional abuse (including shunning) play no part at all. I will write about parenting fully, later on.

However, there are a number of videos doing the rounds on YouTube, where people speak of amazing hole-on-one spiritual experiences where some charismatic preacher lays their hands on them, and they receive the holy spirit and “over-come” their sexuality all the same moment. If that is true, that’s great for them, I suppose, but it lies well beyond the bounds of realism for most. Maybe there is a leap of faith so profound that these people do just change their sexuality through belief, but as Rosario Champagne Butterfield, a Christian writer who also came through homosexuality, says, expecting it to happen is really prosperity gospel territory (the heretical and blatantly untrue belief that becoming a Christian is going to make you well, and bring financial prosperity because God knows you deserve it). What if these individuals discover that still struggle with same-sex desire? Who will they talk to about it? What if they don’t talk about it, and then act on it secretly? Either way, I am afraid to say that the euphoria of discovering God wears off overtime. You discover that you still do get ill, you still make terrible mistakes, your loved ones still die unsaved and you do still experience same-sex desire after all. Relying on Him and trusting Him can become harder. God doesn’t remove us from Earthly reality, he shows us what it truly is and if we understand what He is seeking in us, rather than us just expecting things of Him, He will help us to bear its challenges. That is why the prosperity gospel is absolute pap. There needs to be more credible and accessible explanations and courses of action, for the sake of everybody including charismatics.

It seems to be me, that most LGBT people who come to faith in Jesus, certainly within the UK evangelical culture in which I exist, still talk about experiencing same-sex attraction and choose to be celibate (Those who say that they are following Jesus and actively pursuing an LGBT lifestyle at that same time, aren’t Christians and I am not going to discuss that particular issue here). So, we have the two basic Christian views that seem to float around in culture and imagination:

I)              Over-the-top, all encompassing, instantaneous, spiritual theatrics/histrionics

II)            Celibacy

Celibacy is problematic though as it just says, “This is me and don’t ask question.” Although the way of dealing with it is different, this is basically the same thing as that that mainstream LGBT community says, often with extreme defensiveness, and there is a big reason for that. The thing that LGBT people fear above all other things is self-knowledge.

Self-knowledge is terrifying, because through self-knowledge an LGBT person will see that the person who is hurting them, the person who is humiliating them, who is filling their body with drink and drugs at the weekend (if they are that way inclined), who is causing their mental anxiety, who is generating these feelings of exclusion and who is preventing them from taking their role in God’s created order, is themselves. The sinful world has told them a lie about themselves, and they have believed it. They have not only believed it, they have run with it and through forging community with other LGBT people they have created a self-perpetuating social force that tells them that change is impossible, and any attempt to change is extremely damaging or laughable.

As these communities have sucked men and women in to them, grown ever larger and gained influence, they have taken it upon themselves to proclaim all science and psychology that suggest that homosexual or trans identity is even remotely changeable, linked to other mental health/personality disorders or liable to damage the individual further, have been irrefutably debunked. But they haven’t. My own lived experience show there is profound truths in much of the psychological writings of the pre-“liberation” era that have been excluded from contemporary discourse with such vehemence, it is almost impossible to access them, let alone hear them be discussed with any seriousness. There has been such a force of will and pressure from the LGBT community that they have managed to suppress the thought that these theories could have any truth in them at all. That is because discovering the truth in them is terrifying as it shows them that they are far less in control of their own bodies and minds than they think they are. This terror is as real for Christian LGBT people and those within the mainstream.

We can see this process happening just now with the gender-neutral debate. Previously, no one believed this thing existed as anything other than attention seeking linked in with certain pathologies, but slowly the debate is being crushed. Maintaining the idea that there even is a debate to be had, is portrayed as morally abhorrent. People become afraid to speak out. This is “not even up for debate” stance inevitably seeps in and affects the Christian world just as much as mainstream culture. Hence, I am not satisfied with the celibacy answer, because I think those who pursue it remain within the lie when greater and deeper recognition of your God-created reality is possible. And if full change proves elusive, at least there can come a greater ability to understand same-sex desire/LGBT-identity better and struggle with it less. To all intents and purposes, I am still celibate, and I don’t see that changing in the near future. But it’s not because I am resisting same-sex attraction, but because I am still beset with emotional issues from the past and I don’t feel able to cope with a relationship with a woman (again I will discuss this further later on). But more importantly I am saved, and I am not living within a lie that places a barrier between me and the true nature of reality anymore. In some ways, it is exactly like The Matrix. The world Neo wakes up can seem one hell of a lot harder to deal with than existing within the Matrix, but it is real, and that is profoundly more meaningful that living within the safe confines of a lie. And in reality, the lie is not safe at all. It cleverly disguises it dangers. Addiction issues, mental health issues, suicide, domestic violence, loneliness, anxiety, sexual promiscuity and narcissism are all far more prevalent in LGBT people than they are in the non-LGBT population. Their unacknowledged realties are screaming out against the lie that is being forced on to them, and this is without even going into the more metaphysical realms of damnation and exclusion from God’s Eternal Kingdom that lie will breed in time.

Christian celibacy is better, but it is not yet forceful enough to bring about the culture change that needs to happen. Ed Shaw has written a book called The Plausibility Problem, in which he discusses the problem of presenting celibacy as a plausible lifestyle choice for LGBT people as they seek Jesus. I think it is a huge problem, and it will always remain a minority choice. I think there is a more radical solution that even the church is now too afraid of. God create man and woman to be together. LGBT-identity is a lie, and we need to stop contributing to that lie. We need to undo it. Same-sex attraction is an issue deeply related to LGBT-identity, but it is also separate as it can exist independent of the LGBT-identity. Likewise, same-sex attraction is a lie. It is not part of God’s created order.  We need to undo that too, rather than preach repression. The solution to both lie in language and how people and feelings are described. This process of re-description is deeply disturbing, often very upsetting and above all, terrifying. The road down which I have travelled in the few years has often been hard to bare; and I have found myself gasping with desperation “but who am I then?” To endure such mental turmoil and chaos, the individual must have security in something larger than themselves. Therefore, whilst I believe that coming to faith and overcoming LGBT-identity/same-sex desire are separate things that require separate processes, I doubt that the latter transformation is possible without a total reliance and trust in the peace, love and purpose that God has provided for us.

God and the goodness of his created order are the medicine, but Pinocchio is right, they do seem more terrifying than the illness, even when the illness promises death. That is especially the case when that illness is sin of our own making. So, my last word is this; do not be afraid of the medicine. Although it may seem bitter thing to swallow at first, it is very good indeed.

[phantom-le6]

Episode Reviews - Star Trek: The Next Generation Season 1 (1 of 6)

Well, it’s taken a little while longer than I’d originally planned, but at last I’ve started working my way through the episodes of my Blu-ray collection of Star Trek: The Next Generation, the first of a number of series I will be hoping to tackle in my TV show backlog.  For those who haven’t ready any of my TV show reviews from when I used to post them on Facebook notes, the lay out is very similar to what I do for film reviews.  I usually do one disc’s worth of episode per article (every show I review is one I own on DVD or Blu-ray), and within that, I post a synopsis of the episode’s plot, followed by my review of that episode.  So, if you’ve never watched a certain series and want to skip the plots, or you know the episode from its title alone, just skip the sections headed as ‘plot’ and go straight to the review.

So, now that you know how this is all going to go, let’s warp our way into those first few episodes of TNG’s first season. Reviews, engage…

Episodes 1 & 2: Encounter at Farpoint

Plot (as adapted from Wikipedia):

In 2364, the new flagship of the United Federation of Planets, Starfleet's USS Enterprise, travels to the planet Deneb IV for its maiden voyage. Enterprise is to open relations with the simple Bandi people who have somehow been able to tap immense energy reserves and construct Farpoint Station, much to the surprise of the Federation. En route, the Enterprise is met by an omnipotent being who identifies himself as Q, a member of the Q Continuum. Q, appearing a grand inquisitor from Earth’s post-nuclear age, declares that humanity is being put on trial. A suggestion from Captain Picard results in Q deciding that their actions in their upcoming mission will be used to judge their worthiness and determine their fate as a race. Before letting the ship resume its course, Q warns Captain Picard that he is destined to fail. 

As the Enterprise arrives, the crew members explore the offerings of Farpoint Station and establish relations with their Bandi host, Groppler Zorn. The crew becomes suspicious when items they desire seem to appear out of nowhere moments later, and are unable to identify the power source that feeds the station. Deanna Troi, an empath, senses a being with powerful yet despairing emotions nearby, and the crew discover a strange labyrinth beneath the station, but Zorn does not offer an explanation. As the Enterprise crew continues its explorations, a large unknown alien craft enters orbit and begins to fire upon the old Bandi settlement near Farpoint Station, and abducts Zorn. Before Picard orders the ship's phasers to be fired at the craft, Q appears to remind him of humanity's trial and prompts Picard to send an away team to the alien craft. The away team discovers the craft has passages similar to those under Farpoint and they are able to free Zorn. Their actions cause the alien craft to transform into a jellyfish-like space creature, and Picard is able to deduce the mystery of Farpoint Station. He confirms with the apologetic Zorn that the Bandi found a similar lifeform injured on their planet and, while attempting to care for it, they also exploited its ability to synthesize matter to create Farpoint Station. The creature now in orbit is trying to help free its mate by attacking those who hold it captive. 

Though Q goads Picard into using violence, Picard refuses, instead ordering the Enterprise to fire a vivifying energy beam onto Farpoint after the station is evacuated. The beam allows the land-bound creature to transform back into its jellyfish-like form, and it flies into orbit to join its fellow being. As the crew watches the reunion of the alien creatures, Q reluctantly tells Picard that they have succeeded in their test, but hints that they will meet again.

Review:

As someone born a couple of years before this show first aired, I missed this pilot and much of the earlier seasons in their original appearance, only getting to see anything of the show in the early-to-mid-1990’s when my family first got Sky TV and I watched some of the later episodes and re-runs of some earlier episodes on Sky 1.  Thank goodness for those being my introduction to the show, because as pilot episodes go, this one isn’t great.  Granted, very few pilots are ever completely brilliant because the show is starting out anew and will take a while to establish what it is, and there’s no guarantee how long that will take.  For some shows, it could be a matter of only a few episodes, such as The West Wing or Friends, whereas others might be more like the Simpsons and M*A*S*H, taking more than just their first season to really find themselves.

 The biggest problem this pilot has is a lack of exposition to explain what the show is really about.  Ok, we’re on a starship crewed mainly by humans, travelling the galaxy to explore what’s out there, but that’s all you get.  That might be sufficient for people who were versed in the franchise of Star Trek from the three-season long original series and the various films it spawned, but what about new audience members?  Other shows have made similar assumptions that everyone will know what their show is about based on existing media, and for me it always spoils the pilot.  In my view, the only good pilot assumes at least its audience will know nothing about what the show will be about and will tailor at least half its content to educating them in that era, with the rest of the content being about placating the existing fanbase if the show is continuing a franchise or adapting it from another medium.

The episode is also plagued by some poor character interactions, especially Picard’s over-the-top anger at Wesley for no good reason, Troi’s over-the-top whining when she’s in empath-mode, and the less said about Tasha Yar’s histrionics in front of Q during the fake trial set-up the better.  Really, it’s down to the performances of Riker, Data, Wesley’s mother Dr Beverly Crusher, Geordi and Worf to elevate the episode to decent, and for Q to be the better guest character than Zorn.  This episode is also where Colm Meaney makes his debut as Miles O’Brien, who would spend several seasons as a secondary recurring character in TNG before making the switch to spin-off series Deep Space Nine (which I reviewed some years ago on Facebook) as a series regular.

There’s not much depth or real issue exploration in this episode, we don’t really learn what Star Fleet is or what it represents (the words Yar uses during her court-room meltdown before being thankfully frozen), and really all we do get is some basic character introduction and a Trek show that starts off more on impulse, or at least low warp.  Overall score for this combined episode is about 6 out of 10, and I’m probably being a bit charitable at that.

Episode 3: The Naked Now

Plot (as adapted from Wikipedia):

The crew of the Enterprise travels to rendezvous with the SS Tsiolkovsky, a science vessel monitoring the collapse of a supergiant star. During a long-range comm exchange, the Enterprise crew are shocked to hear what sounds like a sudden hull breach about the Tsiolkovsky. After the Enterprise secures the Tsiolkovsky via tractor beam, an away team consisting of Commander Riker, Lt. Yar, Lt. Commander Data and Lt. La Forge beams over.  They find the crew frozen to death in various stages of dress and undress, including one who was taking a shower fully clad, and whose frozen body falls into La Forge's hands.

Captain Picard orders Dr Crusher to perform full medical examinations of the away team on their return, and the doctor finds La Forge sweating profusely and complaining about the temperature. She orders him to stay in sickbay but he wanders out while she is studying his test results, and makes his way to the quarters of Crusher's son, Wesley. Unaware of La Forge's condition, Wesley shows him a portable tractor beam device and La Forge places an encouraging hand on his shoulder. Meanwhile, acting on a hunch by Riker, who had read a book on past starships named "Enterprise" that included an event involving illness and showering fully dressed, Data locates a historical record identifying the ailment as similar to one encountered by Captain Kirk's USS Enterprise. La Forge returns to sickbay, where D. Crusher quickly becomes concerned when she realizes that the infection is spread by physical contact. Much of the ship's crew comes under the influence of the ailment, including Data, who engages in a sexual encounter with Yar. Dr Crusher, struggling against the effects of the ailment, finds the original antidote documented by Kirk's Enterprise to be ineffective, and begins devising a new version of it.

Now infected, Wesley uses a digital sample of Captain Picard's voice to lure key engineering crew-members away from the engineering deck. He erects a force field around the area with his tractor beam device and assumes control of the ship. He allows Mr Shimoda, one of the engineers who is acting in a childlike manner, into the force field. Shimoda manages to remove all of the isolinear chips from the engine control station and plays with them like toys. As the supergiant star collapses, a fragment is blown into a direct impact course with the two Federation ships, and without the chips in place, they cannot move out of its way. Chief Engineer MacDougal manages to disable Wesley's force field, and Data is sent to replace the chips. He reports that he will not have enough time. Wesley reverses the ship's tractor beam, repelling the Enterprise off the Tsiolkovsky, giving themselves the necessary additional seconds for Data to replace the chips enabling the ship to move out of the way. The crew is cured of the ailment, and Picard partially credits Wesley for helping to prevent a disaster.

Review:

Not only is this Trek at its worst, but it’s actually based on an original series episode with pretty much the exact same core plot; some random configuration of water molecules making an Enterprise crew act like the Trek equivalent of chavvy idiots getting plastered on a night out. It’s an appallingly bad concept, especially when Picard’s closing dialogue suggests the whole thing was meant to be about some kind of exploration of temptation.  News flash, folks, but the episode is an abysmal failure in the exploration of that issue.  To be successful, you’d have to give the crew the option about whether or not to give in to temptation sober.  The crew of the Enterprise doesn’t have a choice here because it’s some weird combination of water molecules acting like an infection that causes drunken-like behaviour.  As such, their judgement is impaired against their will, so the point is lost.

The episode is also stupidly sexist in how the infection presents; while more of the men just have a harder time thinking, get morose or go child-like and silly, all three female main cast members throw themselves on the blokes like randy strippers.  Tasha Yar sleeps her way through various minor male crew members before seducing Data, Troi seeks out Riker to try for a mind-grope, and Dr Crusher tries it on with Picard.  How Roddenbury (who was still alive and producing Trek at this point) allowed such antiquated sexist tripe into the supposedly equality-minded Trek utopia, I have no idea.  Given that the show improved in this and related areas when he stepped away from the show, however, I’m wondering if maybe he was somehow part of the problem.

All in all, this episode is something you only watch so you can get what few references there may be to it in later episodes of the series as a whole.  I give it a very low 2 out of 10.

Episode 4: Code of Honor

Plot (as adapted from Wikipedia):

The Enterprise arrives at the planet Ligon II to acquire a vaccine needed to combat an outbreak of Anchilles fever on Styris IV. The crew, possessing little information on the Ligonian culture, finds it follows strict customs of status similar to ancient China. Specifically, while the men in their culture rule society, the land itself is controlled by the women. Lutan, the Ligonian leader, transports up to the Enterprise to provide a sample of the vaccine, and is impressed by Lt. Tasha Yar's status as head of security. Yar further demonstrates her aikido skills against a holographic opponent for Lutan on the holodeck. After a tour of the ship, Lutan and the Ligonians abduct Yar as they transport back to the surface. Captain Jean-Luc Picard demands that Lutan return Yar, considering the kidnapping an act of war, but receives no response from the planet. After consultation with his officers, Picard is informed that Lutan took Yar in a "counting coup" as a show of heroism. Picard contacts Lutan in a more peaceful manner, who grants permission for the Enterprise crew to beam down to the planet and promises to return Yar after a banquet in his honor.

Lutan announces at the banquet that he wishes to make Yar his "First one", surprising not only the Enterprise crew but also Yareena who was already Lutan's "First one." Yareena challenges Yar to a fight to the death to claim back the position. When Picard objects to the fight, Lutan refuses to give the Enterprise the rest of the vaccine unless Yar participates. The crew investigates the combat ritual and find that the weapons used are coated with a lethal poison, and also that it is Yareena's wealth to which Lutan owes his position. Picard prepares to have Yar beamed to the Enterprise should she be harmed in the battle. As the match progresses, both Yareena and Yar are equally skilled, but Yar eventually lands a strike on Yareena. Yar quickly covers Yareena and orders the transport of both of them to the Enterprise against the demands of Lutan. Aboard the ship, Dr. Beverly Crusher reaches Yareena moments after death, but is able to counteract the poison and revive the woman's body. When Lutan demands to know the fate of Yareena, Crusher reveals that Yareena died, thus ceding the match to Yar and breaking the "first one" bond. Yareena is now free to select a new mate; she chooses Hagon, one of Lutan's bodyguards, and effectively strips Lutan of his position of power and makes him her "Second One". Hagon lets Yar go and gives the Enterprise their full supply of vaccine.

Review:

This episode wasn’t very well received by the cast and crew that had to make it, and I can certainly see why.  The Ligonian race is based on African tribal stereotypes that become obvious as a result of the race being played by Black actors, giving the episode an air of racism that is completely inappropriate to the Trek franchise as a whole.  According to Wikipedia, some reviewers have claimed that this issue would not have been seen if the actors had all be white and used the same dialogue.  Frankly if the Ligonians had been played by white actors, you’d have had a very early example of cultural appropriation, which is also a form of racism and again inappropriate to Trek.

The episode is also plagued by efforts to try and emulate the original series instead of being its own entity, with the final fight scene near the end really looking too much like a 1960’s throwback rather than fitting into any kind of 1980’s-made Trek.  Only the hints of the budding Data-La Forge friendship really make the episode worth a watch, especially since Picard stops himself in the middle of an explanation about the Prime Directive.  With that in, we might have had delayed compensation for the lack of exposition in the pilot, but instead…nothing.

Frankly, without fan support and the show being syndicated rather than controlled by a network, I’m pretty sure this episode or the previous one would have killed TNG in its infancy.  I’m just lucky that I know the show would later make itself into something worth watching, so I’m ok holding out hope for better episodes as I work my way along.  I just the rest of season 1 doesn’t have too many more of these stinker episodes in store. For me, Code of Honour again only warrants 2 out of 10.

[killprettymagazine]

Never Again - An Edible Marijuana Horror Story

“Never again” is a phrase that you should utter with decreasing frequency as you mature: You should learn from your mistakes.  When you’re a kid, the world is full of sparkly phenomena, and you have not yet accrued enough disappointments to employ skepticism in investigating the seemingly endless sources of sparkle.  When you’re nine-years-old, for instance, you may not have yet learned that candied apples are detestable pieces of shit.  Imagine a giant apple that you can hold on a stick, like a king with a goddamned scepter, encapsulated by a reflective deep red coating.  Just the sound it must make when you bite into it, that crunch – you’re left with no choice but to force your parent or legal guardian to buy you one.  Then you try one.  It turns out that you can’t eat this magical apple like you would a regular apple, expecting each bite to be covered by a proportionate coating of candy, because hard candy doesn’t break like that; it shatters into many hostile shards of candy that annihilate your teeth.  It turns out, shards.  It turns out that if you wanted to, you could theoretically break the apple and use it as a fucking weapon.  And all that work and torture went into unearthing the most flavorless, soul-crushing apple variety: A Granny Smith.  Is it any wonder that so many of us develop trust issues as adults?

Sometimes, after experiencing a never again situation, you’re struck by a wave of amnesia and get pushed back into a neutral pre-trauma state.  Unfortunately, when this happens, the universe is burdened with the task of correcting you in a more memorable manner.

A few months ago, I suffered a bout of this type of amnesia during an ill-fated trip to a pot dispensary.  While there, I was brazen enough to pose the question, “Why don’t I ever get edibles when I shop here?” 

(As a side note, yes, I used the word “shop” in this context: While I am an avid believer in the medicinal benefits of pot, whose properties are vastly complex, visiting a dispensary sure doesn’t feel very medically official. You’d be hard-pressed to find a medication called “Alaskan Thunderfuck” at a conventional pharmacy). 

After interacting with the budtender at the dispensary - whose white lab coat, long Zen master’s beard and cosmic presence made me feel like I was talking to God - I got home and prepared for an epic night.  I purchased a ribeye that was so beautiful that I felt like I should apologize to it for the mess in my kitchen.  I was going to cook it sous vide at 130 degrees and then sear it to perfection in clarified butter.  Coltrane’s Giant Steps.  16-year-old single malt Macallan.  Porn, probably.  I ate half of one of the grown-up lozenges that I procured and risky-business’ed my way into the shower.

As I dried off with a towel, I felt the first signs of tingling in my toes; a very welcome sensation. About 20 minutes later, as I was tinkering with the immersion circulator, I still only felt the tingling.  “Shouldn’t I be giggling by now?” I wondered, “I’m preparing a bath for a steak while wearing a robe and I have a mustache.  I look like I’m about to fuck this steak.”  But my high seemed to be reaching stasis and I was not about to settle for the smooth jazz of evenings after dropping $25 on a single piece of meat.  I popped the other half of the lozenge in my mouth and proceeded with my grooming routine as the steak-bath reached temperature.

By the time the immersion circulator reached 130 degrees, a smile appeared on my face.  “That’s more like it,” I thought, “now I can honor the bull that was sacrificed for this evening appropriately.”  I would have never guessed that the next five hours of my life would consist of scrotum-gripping dread.

The first signs of trouble appeared as I removed the steak from the butcher paper in preparation for its bath.  I unwrapped the packet and stared in horror at the practically pulsating piece of flesh that I was about to consume.  I must have stared at the thing for the better part of five minutes.  “Oh, Christ,” I thought, “Not again.  I’ve already been through this – I’m not going to become a vegetarian.”  But I could not tolerate the idea of eating this steak so I wrapped it back up and returned it to the fridge, where I hoped it would be safe from whatever awful force was possessing me.  I opted for a couple of potatoes that I “baked” in the microwave.

As the potatoes cooked, which could have occupied anywhere from a few minutes to several weeks, I noticed that I could feel my heart beating in my chest without touching it.  “Does it always do that?” I wondered.  Suddenly concerned, I elected to take my own pulse; I placed my index and middle fingers on my wrist and started counting.  I kept losing my place and had to start over, again and again, which it turned out did not help my anxiety.  But I’m not a quitter; I would take my own pulse come hell or high water.  As I counted, it occurred to me that I had no clue about what constituted a normal or an abnormal pulse.  “Who do I think I am,” I thought, “a fucking doctor?”  But I continued to count for some reason.  My efforts were then interrupted by a heinously loud siren, which catapulted me out of my kitchen chair.  “JESUS CHRIST!” I exclaimed.  I no longer had to check my pulse; I knew that it was off the charts at this point.  I was on the verge of weeping from fear – then I realized that my potatoes were done.

I opened the microwave door to retrieve my potatoes, which now resembled the wrinkly testicles of a 90-year-old, and realized that I did not have enough saliva in my mouth to move my tongue, let alone to eat potatoes – the driest of root vegetables.  I shut the door, imprisoning the potatoes in the microwave.  It was time to lie down.  

“This lozenge is very, very mellow,” the budtender at the dispensary said.  “You’ll hardly notice that you’re high,” he said.  “One might not even be enough for you,” he said.  As the second half of the lozenge high-fived the first that was already reclining in a La-Z-Boy somewhere in my amygdala, I fantasized about finding that budtender, yanking him by his wizard’s beard and screaming, “IS THIS WHAT YOU MEANT BY ‘VERY, VERY MELLOW,’ YOU FECKLESS TURD?”  I wanted to strap him into a “good vibe” equivalent of an electric chair and pump him with the strongest possible current of good vibes until he exploded into a supernova of ineffectuality.  Because I wasn’t mellow, I was going to die.  I’m not using the phrase “going to die” to indicate that I was in any actual danger, nor in a histrionic Morrissey sense (…and you go home and you cry and you want to die).  No, as far as I knew, I was dying. 

I’ve danced around the rainbow of anxiety experiences in my life, including several shades located in the “bad pot trip” wavelength.  Most pot anxiety I’ve experienced, while often terrible, is usually short-lived: You smoke, the effects come on and intensify rapidly, you panic, you take a benzodiazepine (at least if you’re me) and 15 minutes later you’re back to watching cat videos on YouTube and eating pretzels.  Easy as pie.  This, on the other hand, was like some archaic form of corporal punishment – like being chained to a giant rock and then pushed off a cliff into the sea.

I was now curled up in the fetal position on my bed, my whole body trembling violently; I was a six-foot vibrator.  “W-w-when will it stop?” I might have said out loud.  The Ativan wasn’t working.  It occurred to me that I had no idea how much time had elapsed since I had placed the tiny pill under my tongue so I grabbed a small alarm clock that was on my nightstand and placed it right in front of my face on the opposite pillow.  It looked like the clock and I had just finished making love.  Then I realized that tracking time might not be such a great idea so I buried the clock under the covers and proceeded with my trembling regimen.   

At this point, my anxiety was so severe that my perception of reality started to waver; I felt like I was in a movie or a dream.  I was so scared that nothing around me seemed real and, every time I thought my fear could not become any more severe, I was proven wrong.  “Aren’t I supposed to be enlightened by now?” I wondered.  I was hitherto under the impression that if I would experience a state of fear that was adequately extreme, I would ultimately be led into a state of oceanic tranquility and be one with the cosmos.  “That Alan Watts didn’t know what the fuck he was talking about!” I thought. 

It was now 1:23 AM according to the clock that I hid under the covers.  My anxiety was not letting up and I was hallucinating.  I needed to talk to someone, preferably a human.  I needed to hear something other than my auditory hallucinations or the sound of my absurdly dry “NPR” mouth, the latter of which was really starting to grate on my nerves.  I didn’t want to call any relatives because I was worried about being chided for my weed blunder.  I called one of my friends but he was busy.  Then I suddenly remembered a recent conversation with another friend who, upon learning that I was going through a bad breakup, made the mistake of telling me that I could call him whenever I wanted if I needed to talk. 

“Did I wake you?” I asked.  “Umm, no,” he groaned in response.  “Yes, I did.”  Silence.  “I’m having the worst anxiety attack I’ve ever had.  I’m gonna die.”  “You’re not going to die.  Just breathe.”  The conversation consisted mainly of me proclaiming that I was going to die and my friend telling me that I was not dying.  He eventually tried to distract me by transitioning to other subjects but I could not focus on what he was saying.  At one point, it occurred to me that he was talking about Jeff Goldblum for a reason that was beyond my comprehension to such an extent that I considered taking another Ativan.  If I was going to die, I really hoped that my last conversation would not be about Jeff Goldblum.

After about 40 minutes on the phone, multiple references to Jeff Goldblum and several hundred “I’m gonna die’s,” I felt an internal release.  Finally, after about five hours of swimming through the rectum of the psychedelic spectrum, I was free.  I suddenly realized that my friend was still talking.  Eventually, noting my silence he asked, “You doing better?”  “I think so,” I said, “I’m starving now.”  I remembered that I still had those delicious wrinkled potatoes.  While cradling the phone on my shoulder, I walked over to the kitchen and opened the microwave door.  The potatoes looked like Guantanamo Bay detainees.  I suddenly remembered Obama’s quote, “…under my administration the United States does not torture” and started laughing maniacally.  I couldn’t breathe.  I tried to share this thought with my friend.  “I’m going to sleep,” he responded.  I continued laughing when I got off the phone.  I ate the potatoes and went to sleep, occasionally bursting into laughter in the dark. 

The next day I woke up and treated myself to a ribeye breakfast.  As I chewed the steak, I reflected on the events of the previous evening and wondered, “Was that a valuable experience?”  I concluded that it might have been but only in the crudest sense.  It would be like saying that the experience of intentionally hitting yourself in the balls was a valuable experience because it taught you not to do that.  Would you really have to be doubled in pain to figure that one out?  Still, I can say with gusto that I would sooner wipe my ass with a cactus than ever ingest another edible.  Never, ever again.

[chromsai]

Sai, I just went and watched Yugioh Everything's video on Yusaku and Aoi having Autism and Depresson, respectively. While he makes some solids points and I agree with them having mental problems, he basically said Vrains is the first yugioh to talk about 'such dark topics.' If your up to it could you bring up some characters in previous ygo series (Arc-V or all your choice) that implied to have mental problems cause Vrains is not the first by a long shot lmao.

Lmao sorry this answer is kinda late since the past few days have been busy for me and ironically enough you sent this right when I just got back from a grad school info session (regarding psych programs ofc) which made me realize I kinda wanna pursue a career more along research in the field of abnormal psychology which is one of my stronger areas of knowledge in psychology already anyway. I just really like it that much.

So yeah I did see this ask like almost right when you sent it but it was late and I had just gotten home after a nice day and YE’s videos haven’t been making me too happy lately so ofc sorry I kinda avoided watching it that night cuz I didn’t wanna ruin my nice day (just in case). But now that I watched it, well as far as I can remember he didn’t outright say that this is the first time a Yugioh’s dealt with these issues before (but I can see how you got that he perhaps implied it).

That all being said, I still have just a, I’d say, general yet above-average knowledge in these subjects (hey I have a degree in Psych, yes, but that doesn’t make me an expert by any means and I’m not afraid to say that, hell I love learning new things about psych all the time) so please keep that in mind (also please keep in mind too that I cannot professionally diagnose anyone, but for the sake of discussion about the psychology in fiction, I can definitely give my thoughts on what would be the most probably diagnosis for certain characters). Besides that though, if YE does actually believe that this is the first time these kinds of issues have ever been dealt with in Yugioh, well wow idk how much he’s been paying attention before this...

(Long read with further examples + explanations from characters in each series under the cut)

Regarding his statements on the Vrains characters and the disorders he mentioned, I’ll give it to him. In fact, I too am pretty sure by now that all of Yusaku’s “quirks” point to Autism, though, and YE didn’t mention this so idk how knowledgeable he is regarding other personality disorders, he also seems to show symptoms of OCPD (obsessive-compulsive); these include being obsessed or preoccupied with making lists and keeping track of small details, over preoccupation with work or meeting goals to the point of neglecting your social life or forming close relations, unwillingness to see ethics or values in someone else’ light, being stubborn, etc. Wouldn’t surprise me if he has both since there’s a high co-morbidity between ASD and OCPD.

In regards to Aoi, again yes I agree. Girl has depression. It’s very obvious (this I can say with confidence as someone who has suffered previously from it [note: I sought help and let’s just say I’m very glad I did]. The Paranoid Personality Disorder... (I’m gonna be honest.... I didn’t pay enough attention to Aoi’s character enough to determine a firmer answer and I don’t really feel like rewatching the ep). According to him, it’s a possible thing. He did mention that she could just be acting that way because her whole entire life she’s been kinda used so she has a general distrust of people, but that’s just the thing. If in fact he’s correct about her symptoms matching up, it doesn’t necessarily matter if she’s acting this way due to her childhood trauma, in fact, that’s even more reason to validate her suffering from PPD (another area I feel more confident about in psych is child/adolescent development and hey guess what, lots of personality disorder symptoms start showing up during childhood or are even a direct cause of childhood trauma).

Speaking of childhood trauma, you wanted to know characters from other series that have mental illnesses/suffer from personality disorders? Well... (*cough cough* as a psychologist, why do you think I enjoyed Arc V so much?)...Here’s a quick list of just a few select characters I can think of:Arc V:-Yuya (remember, the childhood trauma I mentioned): Oh my poor boy suffers from dysthymia. Again, I’m pretty confident here because I can relate (because I suffer from it too ahaha). While we don’t know exactly for how long, it’s been at least three years with it (ugh) since his father’s disappearance and all the bullying. He shows so many signs of it throughout the show (it would be pointless to get screencaps because the signs are literally everywhere): dysthymia (sometimes called “persistent depressive disorder”) is noted by sadness, anger, irritability, mood swings, loss of appetite, insomnia (did you notice in Synchro when we was feeling depressed in his room he didn’t eat at all and stayed up all night despite being noticeably tired), indecisiveness, low self-esteem, among others. I’m sure people might argue against me, trying to say “oh well he’s energetic for the most part and still smiles a lot” well guess what, there’s lots of entertainers, comedians, performers, and just overall really sociable people who do a terrifyingly good job hiding it.I saw someone once mention that they headcanoned Yuya also has Histrionic Personality Disorder and well... he actually does show signs of it but not so much that he actually meets criteria. Even for being an entertainer tho, he shows this more than the others (either Dennis, Yuzu, or even Yusho), but again, can’t be diagnosed with it.Lastly, and this is more of a post-canon thought regarding the prognosis of his mental health... he’s definitely gonna deal with some dissociative symptoms for the rest of his life (or until somehow, some way they find a way to separate him and the other Yuus, and even then still...). There is just no way in hell you can convince me that he’s not gonna experience dissociation on a regular basis with 3 other people living inside him. Same goes for Yuzu. (Side note: RIP my heart.)

-Shun: He suffers from PTSD. Oh man he’s kind of textbook PTSD: irritableness, mistrust, social issolation, flashbacks, hostility, fear, anxiety, paranoia, agitation, hyper-vigilance, etc. (I’d also say Yuto and Kaito suffer this too).

-Reria: Also suffers from PTSD, but since Reira is much younger, coping with childhood PTSD is a lot harder and leads to more frequent panic attacks, flashbacks, intrusive or unwanted thoughts, nightmares, avoidant behavior, etc.

-Yuri: Conduct Disorder, aka the precursor to Antisocial Personality Disorder. He’s 14 so he can’t really be diagnosed as the second. Anyways, what really tipped me off about him having this is his blatant disregard for any remorse towards harming others. He just doesn’t feel it. On the contrary, he straight up says he enjoys it, says he needs it “just like breathing”, he’s an overall really violent kid and starts fights with literally anyone that gets in his way (like... it’s even his catchphrase “You’re in my way!”), has no knows long term close relationships with anyone (reeaaally wish they had given us more of him and Dennis together tho...), and he’s known to deceive, trick, or lie to others with no guilt at all. (He’s also seen as similar to past villains of Yugioh, outright disproving the implication that Vrains is the first Yugioh to deal with personality or mental disorder issues).

-Zarc: Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Again, another textbook example. And yes, similar to Aoi’s possible Paranoid Personality Disorder, this is canonically induced into his personality as a result of the society he lived in praising his violent duel style and eventual lust for power due in part to the same reason. But just because it was induced due to circumstance doesn’t make it any less valid. It’s another form of trauma, just like Aoi’s whole “being used all her life” led her to develop PDD.

And well there’s more examples in Arc V (you can also argue that Shingo also suffers from NPD to some extent, etc.) but I think those are the biggest ones I can think of right now.

And of course, though I’ve seen them all, I know Arc V the best + it’s just the one that’s in my most recent memory so it’s easier to talk about them, but some other quick examples from the series that I can think of:

DM:-Kaiba: Again, Narcissistic Personality Disorder.-Marik: I think he’s a strong candidate for being diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (at least the way his villainous arc portrayed him as).-Bakura: Actually an adult so actual Antisocial Personality Disorder.

GX:-Judai: Depression & Dissociation. Yep.-Ryo Marufuji/Hell Kaiser: Definitely could argue that he displays signs of Sadisitic Personality Disorder, just keep in mind that it is no longer included in the DSM-V so it is not something someone would be typically diagnosed with professionally.-Manjoume: Another Narcissist.

5D’s:-Jack Atlas: Okay so he’s more of an accurate example of Histrionic Personality Disorder, minus the sexual criteria (which, if the Yugioh anime genre/audience allowed, I’m sure would be plausible since he also displays signs of NPD, implying that he might actually want that kind of physical/superficial attention).-Aki: Also like Aoi, displayed symptoms of PPD, though I’d argue she definitely has it and just learns to cope over time after befriending Yusei & co.-Sherry: Shows signs of high functioning ASD (being perfectionist and being obsessed with finding out about her parents murder), but ASD isn’t something I’m too confident talking about yet so maybe don’t quote me on this.-Divine: I’d say you can argue he’s has Antisocial Personality Disorder.

Zexal:-Vector: Another one with.... I mean... he’s not really 13 or 14, he’s actually, what, like 100s of years old? So instead of Conduct Disorder, he actually has Antisocial... technically...-Fuya: OOOOOHHHH You thought I wouldn’t remember a character like him??? (Again, as a psychologist, these are the characters I like the most). He’s memorable to me, despite being a minor character, cuz I’d say he definitely displays signs of having Avoidant Personality Disorder, especially with regards to using his Esper Robin personality to avoid all those intrusive, self-conscious thoughts he doesn’t find pleasant.-Shark/Ryoga/Nasch: Also has PTSD.-IV: He’s borderline Antisocial. Not quite. But almost there.

OOOKAYY Well anyways, those were just a bunch of examples. There’s way more, I’m sure that I missed A TON. But yes it’s as you said, Vrains is definitely NOT the first time in Yugioh history where characters have had to struggle with mental health / personality disorder issues. Far from it.

And wow actually thank you for the ask! This was really fun to think about and I welcome the discussion any time! Anyone, don’t be afraid to let me know if there’s stuff I might have left out or if there’s anything wrong with this or any arguments for or against any of this.

[hessafeelsfordayss]

Comparison/Theories.

So instead of focusing this post on just one person, I decided to write about Lee, Silver, and Barbara. I’m just gonna warn you, this post is very long, and probably contains a lot of spoilers. It’s your choice whether you read it or not, but don’t get upset with me because I did warn you.

Okay, so I’m gonna start with the facts. These are the things the writers/cast have said directly themselves.

1. “You may have already seen Harley as a person that you thought you had met and known for a long time. So we always reserve the right to sort of do that as well.” - Ken Woodruff

2. “We might see (her) in episode 22.” - John Stephens

3. “The person is somehow connected to the Joker Cult World.”

4. Harley’s appearance in the finale is gonna be crazy. Crazy enough to be the launching point for season four.

Here are some random facts I gathered, that you may or may not already know about Harley:

1. She’s an expert gymnast

2. Her main weapons are a giant mallet, a baseball bat, and sometimes a gun

3. She used to be a psychiatrist

4. She went to Gotham University and graduated top of her class.

5. Her first job was at Arkham Asylum

6. She hates fish

7. And she can’t swim

8. Harley is known to have a crush on Bruce Wayne, even though she loves Joker

9. She is incredibly intelligent (Amanda Waller once stated that she is a genius)

10. She once brought a broken family back together

11. She switches back and forth from good to bad

12. She is schizophrenic

13. One of the voices she hears is her rational side (Dr. Harleen Quinzel)

14. She is bi-sexual

15. Her aliases are Dr. Holly Chance, Dr. Jessica Seaborn, Lee Harkwin, Holly Quinn, Harleen Frances Quinzel, Harriet Shankar, GG Harlin, and Kelvar Vest Girl.

16. Harley has Histrionic Personality Disorder (being flirtatious or seductive, wanting to be the center of attention, provocative clothes, shallow impressionistic speech, dramatic and excessively emotional personal presentation, suggestible by others (gullible), overestimates the intimacy of their social relationships.)

17. She was the only one in her family to graduate from College

18. She’s constantly seeking a sense of identity but doesn’t know how.

19. Her home life was very chaotic

20. Her character is full of conflicting personas.

21. “I loved flushing away the control. The goals. The regiment way of life I’d had. I was finally free. Free to forget. To play for fun. To play crazy.”

22. “The downside of this is that I’ve started to feel numb. In school, they had a name for it: dissociation. My rational mind can recognize pain when I see it. But my rational mind is in a pretty small box.”

23. She has obsession

24. She uses her obsessions to help define herself

25. She likes to cling onto things to help create some sense of self in her mind

26. She uses other people and objects to help define herself.

27. She is a character of passion

28. She is a hopeless romantic (she is weak when it comes to things like vulnerability)

29. She is always trying to figure out who she is, and what her role is in the world.

30. Unlike the Joker, she actually loves people

31. Harley has a strong sense of compassion and loyalty towards the people in her life.

32. As a child, she was heavily abused by her father

33. She has OCD, Histrionic Disorder, Antisocial Disorder (maybe?), Schizophrenia

34. She has this illness where she gets off (it literally turns her on) when her partner does something bad.

Okay so let’s start with Barbara :)

Cons of her being Harley: 1. She never was, nor will she ever be a psychiatrist. That’s a huge part of Harley’s story (pretty much every Harley version was a psychiatrist) and after all the bad crap she’s done, I don’t ever see her being a one. I don’t think they would even let her, even if she wanted to.

2. She’s older than Jerome. Now I don’t really see this as a problem unless they want to stick with Joker being older than Harley.

3. She’s already turned crazy.. she’s supposed to meet Joker first, fall in love with him, then become Harley.

4. Her name is Barbara Kean (an actual character in the comics and I think two Batman movies). She started calling herself Barbara Queen, which Queen sounds similar to Quinn, but her name is still Barbara. There is no way that you can turn the name Barbara into Harley.

5. Harley is known to be extremely loyal to the people in her life. Barbara, on the other hand, will turn on anybody if it’s for her benefit. Including Tabitha, which is probably the closest person to her.

6. Now I have no clue how true this is, but someone on IG said that one of the writers want Harley and Barbara to team up. If this is true, then that would be amazing, and it would mean she isn’t Harley.

Pros: 1. She has the appearance description (blonde hair and blue eyes)

2. She’s switched back and forth from good and bad once

3. She’s really intelligent (She figured out Penguin was the one behind Isabella’s death.)

4. Out of all the girls, she has paralleled Jerome the most

5. She’s openly bisexual

6. She and Jerome already had a partner in crime relationship

7. She coincidentally fell through a glass window, which then put her in a comma.

8. She’s already met Selina and Ivy (she even shared her apartment with Selina for a bit)

9. She calls herself Barbara Queen (which sounds a lot like Quinn)

10. She was at first a kind, caring, selfless, and moral individual. 

11. I think she has schizophrenia, as does Harley.

12. “The downside of this is that I’ve started to feel numb. In School, they had a name for it: dissociation. My rational mind can recognize pain when I see it. But my rational mind is in a pretty small box.” - Harley Quinn

13. “I loved flushing away the control. The goals. The regiment way of life I’d had. I was finally free. Free to forget. To play for fun. To play crazy.” - Harley Quinn

14. She grew up in a bad home, her mom would call her things like 'her little piggy'.

15. She and Tabby already started a club called The Sirens.

16. She finds it to be passionate when a man hits their woman

17. Jerome can already persuade her

18. “You’re a little pain in the ass.” - Joker SS

19. She and Jerome had a connection the moment she walked into Arkham.

20. She's basically the only character who laughs as much as Jerome/she’s also basically the only one (besides his cult) who finds him funny (so far)

21. She’s corny

22. We all know she’s crazy

23. She acts violently when upset without thinking

24. Harley is known to obsess over things, Barbara has this down pact. (She was obsessed with Jim, now she’s obsessed with wanting to be queen of the underworld)

25. She’s connected to the Joker Cult World obviously since she and Jerome have already met/interacted.

26. She’s flirty/seductive

27. She manipulates people to her advantage

28. “And right at the end of the season there is going to be a massive development for my character, so it’s going to be really exciting.” - Erin Richards

29. "What we did with Jerome, we basically said, how could we create a city.. or our job is to set Gotham up as a place where Batman is needed one day. And therefore what we did with Jerome, what if a character, took on that same anarchic chaotic sense of chaos that Jerome did, that the Joker did. And set a tone for Gotham. We're doing the same thing with Barbara as in like if we take her to the very edge of what that character, the sanity of that character, what would emerge afterward. So yeah, we're gonna explore that." - Danny Cannon.

30. A fan asked Danny ‘so she maybe is Harley?’ and Danny replied with “I’ll get in so much trouble if I say this.”

31. “There will be a big reveal, so whether it’s that or not, we’ll have to wait and see.” - Erin Richards

32. “She could get a different kind of crazy I think. Like.. there’s a lot of different crazies. So I think we could maybe see her evolve into a different aspect of that.” - Erin Richards

33. Barbara’s ultimate goal is to belong/ find out who she is. (Harley is constantly seeking a sense of identity but she doesn’t know how.) (Harley is always trying to figure out who she is, and what her role is in the world.)

34. Harley uses her obsessions to help define herself (I believe Barbara does the same)

35. Harley likes to cling onto things to help create some sense of self in her mind (I believe Barbara also does this.)

36. Harley uses other people and objects to help define herself. (And this as well)

37. She kind of used one of Harley’s signature weapons (mallet, but it wasn’t giant)

38. “The transformation that’s gonna happen at the end of this season is a big secret. It will involve me reading more comic books.” - Erin Richards

Okay, so a lot of things match up with Barbara. It’s possible that she’s Harley, but that would be a bad move on the show’s part. Not because of age or anything, but because she’s the most obvious choice in my opinion. Also because she already has a very important role in the comics. If she becomes Harley, then that would mean that there will be no Batgirl in this universe. But then I thought of more possibilities. Like, Tabitha (Tigress) is like an older version of Catwoman.. and we all know Selina Kyle is gonna be the future Catwoman. Anyway, Tabitha is kind of like a proto-Catwoman in my opinion. What if they’re making Barbara the proto Harley? I know I’m not making sense, but what if they’re gonna keep Barbara as Barbara Kean still, but make her have these traits so she can be ‘the older version proto Harley’. I hope you all can understand me. Okay, Tabitha is gonna be in a really vulnerable place later into the season, and Selina is gonna be in a very dark place, where she has nowhere else to turn. Tabitha is basically gonna take Selina under her wing, and teach her things. So the proto, older version of Catwoman is gonna be helping the future Catwoman. What if they’re doing the same thing with Barbara? You get what I’m saying? Also, Erin said there is going to be a massive character development for Barbara. Yes, it probably would be a pretty big deal if she was to become Harley.. but it honestly wouldn’t be massive in my opinion. I mean we’ve already seen Barbara act crazy (a lot may I add), and it honestly wouldn’t shock me if she was to become Harley, because hello, it would be so predictable. What I would consider a major character development is if she maybe does something good for once. Like maybe save someone’s life, or changing and becoming a better person. Not saying that’s gonna happen, but that’s what I would consider a major character development. Also if she was to change for the better, maybe she and Jim could get back together and have Barbara Gordon (Batgirl) and their son James Gordon Jr. It would also make sense her having this mental instability because their son turns out being a sociopath. This would mean he got it from his mother genetically. Like I said, this probably won’t happen, but it would make more sense than them making her Harley. Also, who knows, maybe Barbara herself will become batgirl. I could see it happening because of these tweets 

Leslie Thompkins :)

Cons: 1. Like Barbara, age. Like I said I don’t think age really matters. Especially since Jerome is the one coming onto the older women. The only way it would matter is if they’re sticking with Joker being older than Harley.

2. Not sure how accurate this is, but someone said that Lee is gonna do something really bad, and this something is gonna bring her and Jim together again.

3. She’s an actual character in the comics (as are Barbara, and Silver.)

4. She doesn’t have blonde hair, nor blue eyes (she’s still beyond beautiful though)

Pros: 1. Harley is known to have a sister (when she has Lucy, her sister takes care of her for Harley.) Lee mentions having a sister (in Jerome’s episode may I add) whose recipe she used.

2. Her nickname is Lee, which could easily be turned into Harley or Harleen. Her name is literally in the word Harley (Harlee; Also Harleen)

3. She is around the age of Grace Fairchild (one of the ogre’s victims) so my guess is she’s either in her early or mid-twenties. This would mean she’s actually not that much older than Jerome.

4. Lee Calvi is an alias for her and turns out Harley has an alias as Lee Harkwin

5. She was there when Jerome was first introduced

6. Jerome’s entire case fascinated her (this was Jim leading her to the interrogation room)

7. His case was the first, and only case where she went into the interrogation room with Jim.

8. She’s the only woman who has really been able to touch him, (She held and comforted him when they found his mother’s body, not to mention all the times he touched her, like at the gala, or when he was reborn and took her hostage.)

Bonus: “Everyone else sees the Joker laugh, but only Harley has ever seen him cry.” - Arleen Sorkin (He was faking, but still)

9. She worked at Arkham and could easily go back.

10. Jerome has both saved, and spared her life

11. She’s a doctor (she studied trauma but it’s not her area of focus) 

12. Though it’s not her area of focus, she still basically counseled Barbara and Bruce. She also gives a lot of psychiatric advice.. examples: 

(Lee: The way people, look at you. See you differently. You treat it like it’s a burden. You could be a source of pride or happiness even. 

Jim: Thank you doctor, same time next week. 

Lee: Don’t tempt me. I can psychoanalyze the heck out of you. But I’m gonna resist the urge.)

(Lee: You need to get some trauma counseling. 

Barbara: Doc, I’m happy. I’m happy to be alive. Which is why, Jim, I didn’t want to leave without saying thank you properly. Thank you for saving my life. 

Jim: I was glad to do it. 

Lee: Ms. Kean, trauma counseling, like yesterday. I have several recommendations for you. 

Barbara: Really, Doc, I’m fine.

Lee: You’re not fine. After what you’ve been through nobody would be fine. 

Barbara: Fine, if you will be my counselor. Why don’t we do it at my place.

Lee: No. I have some trauma training, but it’s not my area of focus.

Barbara: I like you. Okay, I can talk to you. Please?

Lee: Okay. Deal.)

(Lee: You were violently abducted. You nearly died. You must have been very scared. It’s normal to feel trauma. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.)

  13. She can be corny, sassy, and sarcastic

14. She's very intelligent (she and Harley both have intelligence listed as one of their abilities)

15. She’s tougher than she looks

16. The writers themselves said that Lee was nuts.

17. Lee is gonna be affected by the Alice Tetch Virus. Jim is gonna be fighting that while also fighting for Lee.

18. She’s becoming way darker  

19. Lee and Jim finally had sex, but guess when they did it? After Jerome’s interrogation. They had been hinting at it for a bit but she would put it off because of work, and then because she got interested in the case.. while in the interrogation room you could tell that she was fascinated with Jerome and you could even see her smirk a little a few times. Then once the interrogation was over she talked about how it was ugly but thrilling, and then suggested for them to ‘go home’. Then they, ya’ know. But all of this after she watched Jerome. Makes you wonder if he turned her on. Not to mention that Harley actually has this illness where she gets turned on by her partner doing bad things.

Lee: Truly. It was ugly, but it was also kind of thrilling. Jim: Thrilling? Lee: Thrilling and scary. Like.. like looking down a deep, dark tunnel. Thanks for letting me be there.

20. Out of everyone Jerome came in contact with in ‘smile like you mean it‘ episode, she’s the only one he didn’t kill.

21. She was also the first person he had a casual conversation with since he was brought back to life.

22. Jerome obviously is attracted to her (and she is attracted to him as well) I mean.. 

Not only is his tongue so close to her face, but if you look closely you can see she feels his bicep. 

And here she gently places her hand on top of his.

23. She wasn't even scared of Jerome. I honestly don't think she's ever been scared of him. Just my opinion. He's literally holding a gun to her and she doesn't care

24. She’s the only one Jerome calls ‘doc’ (Joker calls Harley doctor a lot)

25. Lee was playing along with Jerome, kind of just putting up with him (Harley’s the only one who puts up with Joker’s crap)

26. She’s met Selina (they were playful and got along. “You’re cute.. for a doctor.” “Thanks, you’re cute.. for a gangster.”

27. She tends to get overly enthusiastic about things; Harley is known to be passionate (and obsessed) about things.)

28. She was present during it all. She was there when Jerome was first introduced, when they found his mother (she held and comforted him), when Paul gave them the message from ‘Lilah beyond the grave’, when the weapon was found, when Jim interrogated Jerome and his true nature showed, and when Jerome first woke up after being reborn.

29. Plus she was the one Jerome and Barbara took hostage at the gala.

30. She somehow has managed to be present during most, if not all of his most important scenes.. (the writers chose to have her present during all these scenes. They control every single thing that happens on the show.)

31. “Don’t let your hatred of me turn you into something you’re not”

32. “I wish I could do that.”

33. “There is going to be a huge development in Lee Thompkins storyline which affects Jim." - Erin Richards

34. Lee is affected by the Alice Tetch Virus.

35. If I remember correctly, Harley (Harleen) doesn’t become crazy until after she meets the Joker and falls in love with him. We haven’t seen Lee’s crazy side yet, but that doesn’t mean we won’t soon.

36. Similarities

37. Look at how they interact/ look at each other

They both have a certain look when they look at each other. Like Lee is trying to put up a tough demeanor, but when she looks at him you literally see her eyes soften. It looks somewhat harsh because she’s trying to act tough, but you can also see desire. Jerome’s eyes soften too. I haven’t seen either of the two look at anybody else like that. Actions speak louder than words.

38. What was the point in him asking that? He probably wanted to know for personal reasons :) 

39. Harley was serious and a little uptight at first when she interacted with the joker, kind of like Lee. 

She has quite a lot of things in common with Harley, and she fits the most when it comes to Harley’s origin. She’s a doctor who studied trauma (even though it’s not her area of focus), her nickname is Lee, she’s incredibly intelligent, etc. In my opinion, Lee or Silver would be the best choice. Plus her and Jerome definitely have the chemistry, she’s connected to the Joker Cult World (she’s met and interacted with Jerome, aka Joker), She’s a character we’ve known for quite a while, and she’s definitely going down this really dark path due to the Virus. She would be the person people would least expect.. in my opinion anyway. I’m thinking either she’s gonna get rid of the virus, and still become Harley because she likes how it feels to be free, or maybe she will get rid of the virus and decide to go work at Arkham again. She’s already basically counseled Bruce and Barbara, so maybe she will go back and work as a psychiatrist. I don’t know, probably not.

Silver St. Cloud :)

Cons: 1. Silver’s favorite animal is a dolphin (Harley hates fish.. but maybe she just means eating fish)

2. She once went swimming with a dolphin. But the issue is Harley can’t swim

3. She has blonde hair, but instead of blue eyes, they’re brown.

4. She’s also her own character in the comics

Pros: 1. If they were to stick with the Joker being older than Harley, then she would fit best

2. Harley is known to have a crush on Bruce Wayne. Silver has feelings for Bruce, and their relationship is rocky now due to what all happened.

3. As far as we know Silver had good parents. But when her father died she became the ward of Theo Galavan. Harley’s father was a criminal that used to abuse her. Theo is technically her guardian, and he abuses her.. so I believe this can still apply.

4. She did everything Theo asked of her, because she was scared of him, and she didn’t want to be outcast from the family. So if she did everything she did out of fear, imagine what all she would do out of love.

5. She is very gullible

6. She is a master manipulator

7. Though she and Jerome haven’t met yet, she is still connected to the Joker Cult World, because she was working for Theo as was Jerome.

8. She can be incredibly loyal

9. She was pushed out of a window by Tabitha when they were trying to escape Theo.

10. She is a hopeless romantic

12. Jessica was talking about ‘The Sirens Club’ is gonna have new people join, but she couldn’t say much about it. I believe Silver is gonna come back, and she will be one of the new members.

13. Out of all the choices, she has the advantage point. We know Barbara owned an art gallery, and Lee is a doctor, but Silver is still young and doesn’t have a career yet. So if she does turn out to be Harley, she still has a chance to either be an intern or become a psychiatrist and meet Jerome the right way.

14. Silver isn’t a bad person, people hate her because she got between BatCat and because she manipulated Bruce. I just wanna remind everyone that the only reason she did those things was because Theo would have killed her or cast her out of the family. So she’s not all bad

15. “Am I Harley? *whispers* You’ll have to wait and see.” - Natalie Alyn Lind on IG live

16. She and Jerome both acted innocent at first, before they revealed their true nature

17. She always had to work for Theo, so we never really saw her have fun. We also didn’t see her crazy side yet, but once again that doesn’t mean we won’t. Especially now that she’s free from Theo. I can see this apply to her as well.

18. “Little Minx”

19. “You can’t even imagine the things I’ve done. There’s no hope. There’s no going back to normal life.”

20. Natalie and Cameron met at Vanity Fair and took some playful pictures together. One was of the two just smiling, and the other was them acting like she punched him. She captioned the pictures ‘ Jerome and Silver takeover’.

21. Natalie is gonna be 18 this June, so she will be of age (she can be with both Jerome and Ivy on the show legally) I have no clue what her age is on the show, but I would say around 15 or 16. Maybe even 17?

22. Silver was introduced the very next episode after Jerome’s death.

So Silver and Lee are sticking out to me the most. I honestly think Silver has the biggest advantage out of everyone else. Simply because we don’t know what happened to her after she and Tabitha escaped Theo. Tabitha came back.. so why didn’t Silver? I have a theory on this as well. Tabitha cared enough about Silver to save her from Theo, and she was always kind of protective of her. What if Tabitha sent Silver somewhere so she could be safe. For one to keep her safe from Theo, and two because Tabitha lives a sort of dangerous life.  I honestly feel like she sent Silver somewhere that she could be safe and have a normal teenage life. But maybe something happens, and Silver comes back and is under Tabby’s care. If she was to come back, she would more than likely join the sirens. Considering she and Tabitha are family.. Jessica said a few more girls will be joining the Sirens, but she couldn’t talk much about it. We all know the original Sirens (in the comics) include Poison Ivy, Catwoman, and Harley Quinn. Well this  would be the same case, but Babs and Tabs will be in it as well. Silver could be doing anything right now. She could be studying criminology (she definitely has the motive) or interning or anything. With Silver as Harley, they could do so much. Like, make her be studying criminology right now, to try and figure out why her uncle (her father figure) did what all he did. They can bring her back to Gotham and where she will be under Tabitha’s care, maybe join the sirens, or maybe even intern at Arkham where she meets Jerome, etc. They can do all of this.. the only thing that would be off would be her name. But maybe they can fix that. Also we all know Ivy and Harley end up having a romantic relationship. Ivy on the show is a 19 year old with the mind of a child still. I honestly have no clue how old the characters on the show are. I know Ivy is 19 (like I just said), and I think Jerome is 19, considering he was 18 when he died. Both Joker and Ivy are older than Harley I’m pretty sure. I think Silver is maybe 16 or 17? I’m honestly not sure, but I do know she’s younger than Jerome and Ivy. She would make the most sense in my opinion, either her or Lee.

(Sorry if there are a lot of mistakes, but I’ve been working on this so long and I honestly don’t feel like going back over it and fixing things. I hope you all can understand everything I’m trying to say lmao. Be sure to tell me your thoughts! Who do you think it will be? What do you think of this post? I love feedback, just please be respectful :) 

[pedra-ring-blog]

Top 10 Greatest Leonardo DiCaprio Movies of All Time

Source We all love Leo for his promising performance. May he be a bad boy, a romantic boyfriend, or a mentally-ill child, we couldn't deny the fact that he's an incredible actor. Plus, he's the King of Freak-Out scenes! Now, let's find out his top 10 greatest movie roles of all time. 1. Titanic

His most popular movie performance of all is playing Jack Dawson in the award-winning 1997 movie, Titanic. This box-office, record-breaking movie that stunned millions of people across the globe has made a worldwide phenomenon that goes deep down in history. Besides the heart-breaking story of the tragic ship, there's also Leo and Kate's chemistry that binds the audiences into a more level of attachment. No doubt, it's still the summit of Leo's career, and one of the greatest old-school movies to come out of Hollywood in the last 20 years. Fun facts: Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet committed to the film even before the script was written, on the basis only of a 165-page outline James Cameron had written.The hands seen sketching Rose are not Leonardo DiCaprio's, but director James Cameron's. In post-production, Cameron, who is left-handed, mirror-imaged the sketching shots so the artist would appear to be right-handed, like DiCaprio.Both Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio learned how to dance the polka for the scenes set at the party in the third-class compartments.Johnny Depp was offered the role of Jack Dawson, but turned it down, and considers it a big regret. 2. What's Eating Gilbert Grape

Source In this emotional, tear-jerking movie, our young Leo plays Arnie Grape, who is a mentally handicapped teenager. He's the younger brother of Gilbert (Johnny Depp), who struggles to bring their family out of difficult circumstances. Leo's performance as a mentally disabled teen is so convincing, it'll make you think that he's definitely not normal at all. This movie brought our young Leo to his first Oscar-nominated role. It's just so sad that he won't be able to tell his "Mamma" about his Oscar award, because she won't wake up anymore. Fun facts: Leo said that playing Arnie Grape was "the most fun I've ever had."When getting into character, Leo remarked of it. I spent a few days at a home for mentally retarded teens. We just talked and I watched their mannerisms. People have these expectations that mentally retarded children are really crazy, but that isn't so. It's refreshing to see them because everything's so new to them."Leo created Arnie's trademark flicking his finger against his nose, describing it as a sort of "brain wipe...like Arnie is massaging the inside of his brain."Leo really did not bathe during the period in filming when Arnie refused to go near water! 3. Romeo + Juliet

Before Leo had the role of Jack in Titanic, he's already a hot icon for being the handsome, sexy, and romantic boyfriend that every single ladies dream of having. Set in the modern era, Baz Luhrmann's histrionic, gang-war-filled setting take on the classic play. Although Kate and Leo's chemistry is so much perfect in Titanic, it is undeniably true that Leo and Claire's pair up is also stunning. Fun facts: Leonardo DiCaprio's version of Romeo's speech at Juliet's bier was so good it movedClaire Danes to tears, nearly ruining the scene. The moment the director yelled "cut!," Danes smacked DiCaprio on the arm and said, "Don't make me cry. I'm supposed to be comatose, here!"Leonardo DiCaprio was Baz Luhrmann's first choice to play Romeo.Claire Danes and Leonardo DiCaprio initially did not get along well on set. Danes accused Leonardo DiCaprio of being immature, while Leo said Danes was just uptight. 4. Catch Me If You Can

Source Who would've thought that this handsome, good-looking man is a fugitive? Not in real life though, but in Steven Spielberg's hit movie, "Catch Me if You Can". Leo is Frank Abagnale, a real-life con-man who traveled around the country and lived the high life as he impersonated pilots, lawyers, and doctors. Leo's acting from one character to another is just so promising, we'll all convinced that he's not just impersonating. Fun facts: To get her to achieve the way he wanted her to sloppily kiss Leonardo DiCaprio, Steven Spielberg asked Amy Adams to pretend she was starving to death and eating a cheeseburger.According to the real Frank Abagnale Jr. approximately 80 percent of the movie is true.When Frank begins recruiting decoy flight attendants; when announcing the girls picked he announces the actresses by real name.17-year-old Frank tells Brenda he's 28 years old, which was Leonardo DiCaprio's true age when Catch Me If You Can premiered in 2002. 5. The Departed

Source One of the most intense roles that Leo ever had was playing the role of Billy Costigan as a cop infiltrating the mob. Together with Matt Damon as a mobster infiltrating the police force, the film is an intricate, fascinating tale of competing cat-and-mouse games. However, the film director and his screenwriter infuse it with so much tragedy that it winds up becoming something almost mythic. But seeing Leo's performance is just so intense, in a totally unglamorous way by being a desperate man who almost loses his identity. It's one of his all-time greatest performances. Fun facts: Leo could've won an Oscar award for this movie. A possible reason why he did not receive an Oscar nomination for his performance in this movie was because the Warner Bros. Studios initially did not want to favor him over his co-stars and place him in the leading actor category. The studio favored his leading performance in Blood Diamond (2006) (which eventually got him a nomination). DiCaprio himself refused to campaign against his male co-stars in the supporting actor category, so Warner bought no supporting actor ads for DiCaprio, and he did not receive a nomination.Leonardo DiCaprio was cast in the title role in The Good Shepherd (2006).Leonardo DiCaprio called his one-on-one scene with Jack Nicholson "one of the most memorable moments of my life." 6. Django Unchained

Source Playing the matured role of a slave owner Calvin Candie in a smooth and attractive way is definitely a credit to Leo's amazing talent. His dirty, racist, and demented heart on Quentin Tarantino's hit movie "Django Unchained" brought him into a remarkable role of being the bad guy playing his cards on a sophisticated way. This is a man who breeds and forces his slaves to fight each other, who has a weird fascination with France, and who is, at heart, a murderous psychotic. Fun facts: When Leonardo DiCaprio's character Calvin Candie smashes his hand on the dinner table, the actor accidentally crushed a small stemmed glass with his palm and really began to bleed. DiCaprio ignored it, stayed in character, and continued with the scene. Tarantino was so impressed that he used this take in the final print, and when he called cut, the room erupted in a standing ovation. DiCaprio's hand was bandaged and he suggested the idea of smearing blood onto the face of Kerry Washington. Tarantino and Washington both liked this, so Tarantino got some fake blood together.During the filming of one of the dinner scenes, Leonardo DiCaprio had to stop the scene because he was having "a difficult time" using so many racial slurs. Samuel L. Jackson then pulled him aside telling him, "Motherfucker, this is just another Tuesday for us." 7. The Basketball Diaries

Source Another young Leo movie, this is just one of the many proofs that Leo was born to act. His role in the movie adaptation of Jim Carroll's memoir, The Basketball Diaries, is a big shift from playing the sweet, innocent, and mentally-challenged Arnie in "What's Eating Gilbert Grape" to a high school basketball star, who eventually becomes broken, and worse, a homeless drug addict. But Leo's flexible character made him so amazing in this movie, which brought a dramatic atmosphere in his struggles as a broken teenager. Fun facts: The guy Jim talks to in the underground drugden, is the real Jim Carroll.Leonardo DiCaprio and Juliette Lewis previously appeared together in What's Eating Gilbert Grape (1993).This is the first film with Leonardo DiCaprio and Mark Wahlberg. They would later appear together in The Departed.Jim Carroll was unaware of who Leonardo DiCaprio was at first. "When they first told me it was gonna be Leo, I didn't know who he was," Carroll told The Los Angeles Times. "If they'd said the kid from Growing Pains (1985), I would have known, because when I first saw that kid, I said, 'This kid has a lot of presence.' I said, 'That kid is very pretty. He's gonna do well.'"To prepare for his role, Leonardo DiCaprio hung out in Greenwich Village and went to a poetry reading with Carroll. 8. The Aviator

Source This movie is another Martin Scorsese's. Leo plays the role of Howard Hughes in his early years of being an inventor, and at the same time, a bigtime millionaire businessman. He's facing a lot of problems in almost everything. As he tries to continue chasing his plans and dreams, there are times when he's about to get mad, and Leo's characterization on this part of Howard's life is truly convincing. He's definitely a great actor for this movie. Fun facts: Leonardo DiCaprio spent a day with Jane Russell to hear her memories and impressions of Howard Hughes. She was very impressed with DiCaprio's visit and told him that Hughes was a quiet yet extremely stubborn man who always got his way in the end.Howard Hughes' Los Angeles home in the film was actually the home he lived on Muirland Drive.Leonardo DiCaprio received an Oscar nomination for playing Howard Hughes.Leonardo DiCaprio (standing roughly 6ft) is several inches smaller than the actual Howard Hughes (6ft4). 9. Revolutionary Road

This 2008 movie is kind of special, as Leo and his Titanic partner Kate were reunited for this adaptation of Richard Yates' classic novel "Revolutionary Road". This movie is mainly about suburban despair and two adults who realizes that life is not as easy as one-two-three. Contrary to their adventurous and colorful characters in Titanic, their roles in this movie is matured and somehow full of problems. Leo's excellent performance in this movie is his signature freak-out, where we're all stunned and scared for a moment as he burst out his anger and disappointment. Fun facts: While directing the love scene between Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet, director Sam Mendes (husband of Winslet at the time) opted to watch the monitor from another room.This was the second movie Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet worked on together since Titanic (1997). Paramount Pictures, which distributed the early film in the U.S., was the worldwide distributor of this film.This film marked the second time Kate Winslet has been in a movie where she makes love in a vintage car, and someone's hand hits the window and slides down it in the throes of passion. The first time was in Titanic (1997). 10. The Man in the Iron Mask

Source After the success of Titanic comes this movie. Leo, who played the sneering, playboy King Louis XIV with his long-imprisoned twin has become a hit after Leo's stardom in Titanic. Young Leo was so versatile, he was able to play two different characters in one movie! Besides, we can also see Leo in his elegant robes while hiding the fact that there's something more dreadful in those shiny dress. Fun facts: Leonardo DiCaprio's mask was made out of polystyrene.Louis XIV did have a brother named Philippe, but he was not a twin. He was several years younger, a flamboyant homosexual, and had the title Duc d'Orleans.MGM discovered the audience the movie attracted was "directly related to appeal of Leonardo DiCaprio", being 55% female and 46% under the age of 25.The film cast includes two Oscar winners: Leonardo DiCaprio and Jeremy Irons; and two Oscar nominees: John Malkovich and Gérard Depardieu. Read the full article

[kendrixtermina]

Extra Typology Vol #3 - 0. System Overview - What is this?

As this system is still relatively unknown and not as intuitive as the Essence Types, I wanted to give everyone a quick 101 on the system so we’re all on the same page, basically the same very primer I had from internet research which lead me to be so very interested in buying the book - perhaps it will make you interested in buying it, too. 

Also, a thanks to @jerdle for making me aware that this stuff exists in the first place. 

The Idea

Apart from his one foray into typology, the author of the book has mostly worked in the field of psychiatry and the treatment of personality disorders in particular, and that’s kind of where his concept here comes from, basically the idea that some disorders are “malfunctions”/ “corruptions” of normal functions  (or perhaps the other way around, that when people develop in a disordered way due to abuse or simple wiring errors, they manifest symptoms in ways characteristic to their traits) 

There’s a lots of traits here that were once considered full-blown personality disorders but have been relegated to “traits” or whole other classes of dysfunctional tendencies. - And of course, these days, psychiatrists have mostly switched to diagnosing based on a multidimensional measure of functionality (ability to control emotions, recognize reality, distinguish between self & other) rather than fixed categories exactly because of the problems that not all patients can be neatly grouped into just one box, but also because a lot of the criteria read like a list of slanted descriptions of regular, even potentially helpful traits with a handul of actual glaring dysfunctionalities at the bottom, with those being what makes it an actual serious illness that greatly impacts one’s functionality and quality of life. 

There’s something slightly problematic in discribing an illness with a list like “not good at socializing”, “dresses oddly” and “believes they have special powers”, because you could fit a substantial amount of it without being actually abnormal (Not everyone who isn’t good at socializing & dresses oddly believes they have special powers - and in specific context even non-disordered people can be capable of believing in unusual things, for example in religion or conspiracy theories.)

So for the same reasons that when it comes to diagnosing & treating disorders a functionality based system with few categories is probably better, these commonly described “traits” might merit a further look, and that’s possibly how this book and the typology system started therein came to be. 

Disclaimer: That said, I will try to avoid or skim over the subject of psychiatry in my further review, analysis & summary because that is a delicate can of worms and I don’t know fuck about it; I don’t wish to end up ruining the day of people who already have more than enough on their plates or give the impression that I’m romanticising anything I have no clue about; I only wish to describe & popularize the typology system as a tool for self-improvement, mutual understanding and the creation and analysis of fictional characters. 

The System

As explained in the masterpost, this is more of a multidimensionl trait-based system in which you don’t necessarily have one particular type, but there’s a list of traits that you either have or don’t, and both the convernation & gradation in how pronounced they are would vary by person (though one could theoretically imagine a person who would be pretty close to a “pure” representative of a type)

The traits themselves strike me as fairly specific in that at least I personally could fairly quickly sort them into “hell yes/ hell no/ maybe”. 

For example, I’d be “Idiosyncratic-Solitary-Artistic-Serious-Leisurely” (perhaps with ‘Vigilant’ tacked on at the end instead if you exclude ‘artistic’ but I don’t really identify with it that much) and your type would be described by listing 3-5 of your most pronounced traits. 

The specific mixture probably matters & creates a great deal of your uniqueness  (for example, in my case the ‘artistic’ trait somewhat softens the ‘solitary’ in that I’m not that unflappable, let alone unexpressive (heaven forbid!), though I’m very distinctly a hardcore introvert (to the point that I barely have any desire for friends, communicate mostly over technology and sometimes find it hard to cope with my live-in boyriend)  whereas the ‘solitary’ trait’s need for clarity & a detached POV thankfully puts a regulatory valve on the ‘idiosyncratic’ trait’s “inner woo-woo” )

This can also be responsible for a person’s “hidden dephts” - One illustrative  example I read was of a radio host who had a lot of traits you’d expect in this occupation - High on Self-Confident, and Dramatic, midrange Agressive - but also scored pretty high on Devoted, surprising the tester at first, but then, it turned out that he had a huge reputation for loyalty in both his current and former workplaces. 

In the case of my boyfriend (1w9 INTJ) I’d say he’s very high in both ‘conscientious’ and ‘self-confident’. The result is an individual who is not very flashy at all but very commited to doing exceptional work and feels compelled to contribute to “the saving of the world”

Though the book (which originated the system) “starts out” with 14 original traits (which will be therefore be the ones that get covered in depht in this series) Like with the temperaments (Supine) and Essence Type (Solar), later users of the system have added some additional traits, also based on psychological concepts/dysfunctions that could be considered their unhealthy extremes or perhaps rather what happens when the associated “software” has “glitches”. 

The Traits (Basic Rundown)

(title cursive if not included in the book)

Conscientious

Dedicated to hard work

Strong principles and values; Always want to do the right thing

Might insist that things be done “properly” according to their idea of “done right”

Would like all tasks & projects tobe complete to the final detail and without flaws

Tends to stick with their convictions and opinions

Thrifty, careful and cautious in all areas of life

Saves & Collects things

Mantains order & organization; Tries to save money

Loyal to causes, families & superiors

Perfectionistic & Preseverant

Comparable to Enneagram 1 and/or lower Fi

Extrapolated from Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (not to be confused with OCD which is a whole different animal and commonly misrepresented)

Sensitive

Prefer the known to the unknown; Comfortable with habit, repetition and routine

Cares deeply about what others think of them; Wants to be liked & accepted

Behave with deliberate discretion in their dealings with others; Not likely to make hasty jumps or take action before they know what is appropiate

Take care to mantain a courteous, self-restrained demeanor

Function best in settings where they know what their role is supposed to be

May be reluctant to share inner thoughts or feelings with others

Tend to prefer living in a small world & knowing the people in it; Being nestled in a close knit, emotionaly secure environment of a few friends & family - the sort to prefer a few good friends over a large circle of many acquaintances

Don’t like being the center of attention, but do want to be recognized for their creativity

Find freedom in their mind, feelings and fantasies

Comparable to Si-using introverts, sp 6 or the supine temperament

Mari, I believe this would be you

Extrapolated from Avoidant Personality Disorder

Vigilant

Independent; Keep their own counsel

Require little reassurance or advice, easily make their own decision & take care of themselves

Cautious in their dealings with others

Good & careful listener - aware of mixed messages, hidden motivations, evasions and distortions of the true

Don’t hesitate to stand up for themselves

Take criticism serious without being intimidated by it

Highly value Fidelity or Loyalty

“Survivor” - Value being aware of their surroundings and let nothing escape their notice

Often found in the role of the social critic, watchdog or crusader (Politics!)

Sounds roughly like counterphobic six or xSTP though there’s some incongruencies

Extrapolated from Paranoid Personality Disorder

Dramatic

Sensation oriented, emotionally demonstrative & physically affectionate

Experiences life vividly and expansively

Likes to be seen and noticed

Pays a lot of attention to grooming and enjoys fashion & shopping as a hobby?

Enjoys their sexuality

Easily puts trust in others

Responds well to new ideas and suggestions from others

Comparable to ESFx or 2w3

Extrapolated from Histrionic Personality Disorder

Aggressive

Comfortable with power, authority & responsibility - Natural top dog who works well in hierarchical organizations with clearly defined roles

Highly disciplined & capable of enforcing said discipline onto others; Run a tight ship

Highly goal-oriented; Practical, pragmatic approach to getting the job done

undertake huge responsibilities 

Functions well & bravely in difficult or dangerous situations

Likes Action and Adventure

Usually physically assertive as well - may enjoy competitive and/or contact sports 

May be traditional or conservative

in general, confident competitors who never back down from a fight

Comparable to choleric temperament, it’s not quite Se or Te nor 8 or cp6 but there’s probably overlap. Mars type is probably the closest analogue. 

Extrapolated from Sadistic Disorder

Idiosyncratic

Tuned into and sustained by their own feelings and belief system

Self-directed and independent, requiring few close relationships

Ignores convention; Aspires to stand out from the crowd

Often somewhat eccentric

Open to anything; May be interested in esoterics

Often engages in abstract, speculative thinking

Keen observer of others, particularly of how they react to you; May be sensitive to that

Tends to follow their own heart and mind

This is basically 4, though one might also draw parallels to high Ne users. 

Extrapolated from Shizotypal Disorder

Self-Confident 

Believe in themselves and their abilities; See what is unique and special about them

Expect others to treat them with respect at all times

Able to make use of the strenghts and abilities of other people; Shrewd in their dealings with others, good at grasping the ‘politics’ of a situation

Open about their aspirations and possibilities

Able competitor, focussed on getting to the top

Identifies with people of high rank and status

Able to visualize self as a hero, star, millionaire, best in the field etc.

Keen Awareness of one’s own thoughts and feelings

Can accept praise & admiration gracefully & with self-possesion; Dignified, ‘aristocratic’ presence

Know how to work, motivate and lead the crowd & attract others to your goal

Comparable to 3 (especially 3w4), ExxJ

Extrapolated from Narcissistic disorder

Solitary

Little need of Companionship; Doesn’t require much interaction with others

Most comfortable alone

Dispassionate; Indifferent to pain or pleasure and unswayed by either praise or criticism

Can come to terms with their behavior in spite of other’s reactions

Want to be free of the need to impress & please

Prefer clarity of vision to sentiment or intimacy

Not very driven by sexual needs; Some may well enjoy it but it’s not a big priority & they do not suffer in its absense

Long to discover & record facts of existence

Roughly like an extreme case xITx or sp 5 but seems far closer to your archetypical hermit

Extrapolated from Shizoid Personality Disorder

Leisurely

Believe they have the right to enjoy themselves on their own terms in their own time

Play by the rules & deliver what is expected of them

Resist being exploited

Relaxed about time

Not overly awed by authority

want to be accepted and appreciated by others without having to submit to demands or expectations

Believe that they are just as good as everyone else and entitled to the best things in life; Don’t let anybody desprive them of their pursuit of happiness

Don’t like to risk important relationships, yet feel the need to be free

Defend their right to do their “own thing”; Find happiness through creative pursuits

Comparable to: Se or Ne, Lunar type, 9w8

Extrapolated from Passive-Agressive Disorder

Serious

Usually mantains a sober demeanor

Realistically aware of their own capacities and limitations

Holds themselves responsible for their actions

Always plays things out in their mind before acting

Able to critique others and evaluate themselves; Not tempted by vanity or self-importance

Able to anticipate problems and prepare for them; Able to carry on even in the worst of circumstances

Suffers greatly when they realize they’ve been thoughtless or impolite to others

Suffers no illusions, tries to see things as they are; Doesn’t expect to be popular

Thinker, analyzer, evaluator

Possibly analogous to Saturn type or Melancholic Temperament

Extrapolated from Depressive Personality

Self-Sacrificing

Generous to people in need of something they have

Always considerate in their dealings with others

Aims to be helpful & giving; Doesn’t wait to be asked

Nonjugmental & tolerant of other’s foibles, never harshly reprobing

Don’t like being the center of attention; Noncompetitive and unambitious. 

Ethical, humble, honest and thrustworthy

Stick with you through thick and thin, sometimes to the point of being long-suffering. Very Patient. 

Prefer to shoulder their own burdens themselves & uncomfortable being fussed over; High tolerance for personal discomfort

Naive and Innocent; Tend not to suspect underhanded motivations

Comparable to 2w1,  Fe dom or certain aspects of Jupiter Type

Extrapolated from Masochistic/ Self-Defeating Personality Disorder

Devoted

Thoroughly dedicated to the relationships in their lives

Prefers the company to one or more people to being alone

Tends to follow rather than lead - happy to seek out other’s opinions and follow their advice

Careful to promote good feelings between themselves and the important people in their lives

Thoughtful of others and good at pleasing them

Able to form new meaningful bonds, even after the loss of someone around whom their life centered

Loyal, considerate & helpful team player

Respectful of authority and institutions; Believe in comitment and work hard to sustain their relationships

Promotes harmony; Polite, agreeable and tactful

Tends to rely on the judgement of the important people in their lives

Roughly like sx Nine or phobic six? Venus Type?

Extrapolated from Dependent Personality Disorder

Adventurous

Live by their own internal code of values - not strongly influenced by other people or the norms of society

Love the thrill of risk-taking

Do not worry too much about others; Not inclined to worry about the future or regrets about the past

Good at winning friends and influencing people

Love to keep moving and exploring; Go boldly where most fear to tread

Tends to challenge boundaries and restrictions

Stands up to anyone who’d dare to take advantage of them

Tends to be a mischief maker as a kid

Lives in the present; Doesn’t worry much about finding work etc. - Lives by their talents, ingenuity and wit

Extroverted Sensing. Also comparable to Mercury type or 7w8/8w7

Extrapolated from Antisocial Personality Disorder

Mercurial

Prefers to always be involved in a romantic relationship

Tends to experience passionate, focussed attachments in all their relationships

Emotionally active and reactive; Puts their heart into everything they do

Uninhibited, spontaneous, fun-loving and undaunted by risk

lively, creative, busy & engaging

Open-minded; Willing to experience and experiment with other cultures, roles and value systems and follow new paths

Imaginative and curious

Enthusiastic; Show initiave and can stir others into activity

Escapistic; Good at distancing themselves from reality when it gets too harsh

Years for experience and insists that others come along for the ride; Ardent in their desire to connect with both life and other people

This description makes it sound rather solar-y/pixie-dream-ish(That’s probably closer to ‘Artistic’ or ‘Exuberant’) or like simple ol’ fi but in the actual book this comes across as vastly more tempestous, like, an “intense art critic”, fire & ice, lots of love & lots of hate type of person or sx/sp four, but not quite - 

Extrapolated from Borderline Personality Disorder

Inventive

Idealized self-image - see self as superior individual of high worth

Strives for recognition & approval; Desires to be the object of attention and admiration

Cares about out-archieving others; Aspires to honors and fame

People-pleaser, especially toward wealthy and prominent people

proves worth by exercising their charm

After social status, material security & the affections of their desired sex

Sensitive about how others react to them; Long to be highly esteemed

Entertain fantasies of greatness or stardom - great need for immediate sucess

Subdued demeanor - energetic but phlegmatic, your basic “peach” type of person with an acessible exterior but a hidden core of privateness & possibly artistic sensibilities

Open to culture; Wide range of interests

Avoids situations where they could be criticed, slighted, humiliated or shamed like the plague; Very conscious of how others treat them

Comparable to 3w2 or sx 3; Probably a lot more likely to be xxFx than Self-Confident

Extrapolated from Compensatory Narciscism

Artistic

Tendency toward mood swings, can go from upbeat, excitable & productive to sullen and withdrawn - these shifts tend to be due to the person’s internal processes rather than external triggers

Artistic inclinations, as the title suggests. Productivity ebbs and flows,depending on mood & inspiration, may have periods of frantic activity alternating with apathy and “writer’s block”

Unpredictability - may take up new jobs, hobbies, ouses etc. out of impulse, despises routine & likes varied, stimulating experiece & improvisation

Tend to have a grasp on many different corners of the human experience & therefore have a gift for nuanced understanding of different viewpoints

Feeling-oriented - decisions are usually based on current mood, feelings & impulses more than systematic approaches

May have issues with commitment and/or self-control

Fluctuating self-confidence - may seem grandiose one moment & beat themselves up in the next

as likely to be 7 or 4; Lunar or Solar ... Fi?

Extrapolated from Cyclothymic Disorder

Exuberant

Highly values pleasurable and intense experiences

Enjoys being active

Gragarious and disinhibited, but also independent workers; Tendentially Ambiverts

Seeks out others as romantic or sexual partners, but they can end up playing second fiddle to their work

Tendency to splurge

Enjoys recreational substances such as booze, but may fall into a tedency to overdo it

Holds friends & loved ones to a high standard

Enjoys traveling or moving to new location

Values being knowledgeable or skillfull

Though they may adopt a tough demeanor, they can be remarkably kind underneath

Often Comitted to creative Work & high Productivity

Bit like ENxP, Sanguine temperapent or sx-first

Extrapolated from Hypomanic disorder

Carefree

charming, spontaneous  & refreshing - don’t necessarily feel the need to eventually aquiesce to conventional ideas of maturity or conformity

Sexually unabashed and generally non-repressed

may enjoy being pampered but also long to retain a certain freedom, sort of ambivalent about depending on others

Takes a simple, uncomplicated view of friendships & relationships & things in general

May be scattered & not the sort who copes well with too much responsibility & tendency to be pouty or stubborn in such stress situations (as opposed to the more mature or at least pseudo-mature reaction of a Dramatic or the angry intensity of a Mercurial) - 

Though not always capable of  following through with actual help or giving, they’ll usually be well-wishing or sympathetic 

Kinda like a sp 2 or lunar-venus

Extrapolated from what was once categorized as Infantile Personality Disorder

Further Reading/ Your Type

Take this test (only the original 14 types), or try this or this checklist

And of course, the following writeups of this series will hopefully go on to serve as even further reading beyond anything else I could find. 

[itsgeoff]

you're either a mentally ill liar or you're lying about being mentally ill, by your own words. try reading up on the illness you pretend to have before pretending to have it next time. btw not posting this will tell me i was right because it'll mean you're hiding the truth. the illness you're pretending to have makes you lie. constantly and without fail. so much that you start to believe your lies yourself.

Okay now I’m off work, I’m able to actually answer this god awful question that made me roll my eyes. I honestly don’t think you looked up HPD yourself, honey, and I’m not pretending when I have my actual psychiatrist say I have it. But right now we’re focusing on two thins that I was diagonsed with in high school– my manic depression and my ADHD.

Anyhow, since I don’t think you looked up anything, let me give you a crash course.

“Histrionic personality disorder and pathological lying go hand in hand. They are both attention seekers and they are both connected with early childhood. Once a person has at least one of these mental illnesses, there is really no way to get rid of it. People, mostly women, that have HPD are self-indulgent, self-centered, and dependent on others. They will tell stories of unrealistic fantasies and claim it to be their life story. Sometimes they show intense anger in inappropriate situations, particularly if they are being challenged. They may even attempt manipulative suicide threats in order to gain the attention they are seeking. It just comes with the disorder. When it comes to their emotions, they are shallow. They do not understand others or themselves at any depth and so they do not even try. They only believe the fantasies that they tell themselves is the reality.“

So yes, I do lie sometimes– but it’s not even that sometimes I’ll remember that it’s a lie. A lot of times I’ll actually believe things as the truth because I’ve told it to myself so many times that I don’t remember the truth. So, I guess in a way you’re right- but I love that you keep literally describing HPD to me and saying ‘oh you don’t have it’ while… still.. saying I have it.

ANYHOW, let’s keep going since you know oh so much about me. Let’s talk about the symptoms of HPD and the checklist you have to go through with a medical professional to even be diagnosed. I’ll bold what ESPECIALLY applies to me.

dsm 5 criteria

Is uncomfortable in situations in which he or she is not the center of attention.

Interaction with others is often characterized by inappropriate sexually seductive or provocative behavior.

Displays rapidly shifting and shallow expression of emotions.

Consistently uses physical appearance to draw attention to self.

Has a style of speech that is excessively impressionistic and lacking in detail.

Shows self-dramatization, theatricality, and exaggerated expression of emotion.

Is suggestible (i.e. easily influenced by others or circumstances).

Considers relationships to be more intimate than they actually are.

honestly, I’d also click off number 2 if i was cis because let’s be real, i’d be a hot cis guy and hot damn i’d check myself out hell yea.

icd-10 criteria

Personality disorder characterized by at least 3 of the following:

self-dramatization, theatricality, exaggerated expression of emotions;

suggestibility, easily influenced by others or by circumstances;

shallow and labile affectivity;

continual seeking for excitement, appreciation by others, and activities in which the patient is the center of attention; 

inappropriate seductiveness in appearance or behavior;

over-concern with physical attractiveness.

Right now, my psych and I are trying to target my antidepression and manicness first above all else because she wants to work on one thing at a time. I appreciate that, in all honesty. She’s been talking to me about mood regulators but she wants to see how I react to the anti depressants she put me on today before seeing if mood regulators will help. Hell, she even brought up me being ‘bipolar’ today- but then said she wasn’t going to diagnose anything with that yet until she sees how i react to the medication. She then sorta quoted shrek about the onion thing and I laughed ANYWAYS.

I would really appreciate it if you left me and my mental illness to me, my psych, and my close relationships because honestly that’s all it truly affects or should matter to. I don’t have to convince anyone and if you hate me that much, please get the fuck out of my inbox and go live a life worth living. 

Like, seriously, please leave me alone. I never once said I was perfect, and I’m not excusing my behavior because of my mental health but god damn does it factor in.

At least I can admit that I’m not well- and I can admit I’m making steps to move forward.

Can you?

[re-fi-ne-ment]

INFP callout post

Like, directed at other INFPs.

1. It is not a vital part of the INFP personality to be constantly depressed

Scrolling through the INFP tag (especially the quotes and confession blogs) makes it seem like every single INFP is depressed and will be for all of their lifetime. Which is.. not true..

Of course depression is a real problem, and yes, INFPs are a type with a high depression rate - but I’ve seen people act like they’ll never get out of depression because they are INFPs. I get the feeling that some are straight up refusing to get help because it became part of their identity to be depressed. And that isn’t what MBTI is all about.

I’m not trying to hate on you, I’m just saying that you shouldn’t let “being an INFP” stop you. Try to use your Ne more, it’s healing for you. And get help if you need it.

On a side note, I also think depressed people are likely to mistype as INFPs, if they only have a vague understanding of MBTI and mistake depression symptoms for MBTI preferences. “I don’t go out (anymore) - introvert. I stay in my head a lot - intuitive. I feel a lot - feeling. I can’t plan ahead/think clearly - perceiving. Must be an INFP.” Also, Si/Ni-Fi loops and Fi grips seem to be frequent reasons for depression, which may be another reason to mistype as a Fi-dom, idk.

(Furthermore, all these “INFP=depression” posts send a weird message to “new” INFPs who just search the tag to find relatable content.)

2. INFPs and mental illnesses/neurodivergence

First of all - of course INFPs can be neurodivergent.

But when you’re doing your online tests, please keep the Fi-Ne tendency to relate to everything in mind. When reading about the symptoms, Fi is likely to say “That’s me!!” and Ne is likely to say “I completely understand this!”. And if you’re also enneatype 4, then there’s the tendency to see mental illness as the reason why you’re so misunderstood.

For example, I (INFP, 4w3) once got high online results for schizoid, narcissistic AND histrionic personality disorder just because I could relate to (or understand) several of the symptoms. I’m pretty sure it’s not even possible to be both schizoid and histrionic. Correct me if I’m wrong.

The thing with PDs is, they are constantly there. Slight traits of PDs can and will be found in people who don’t have them. Relating to disorders from time to time doesn’t mean you have them.

Self-diagnosis should only be the first step. Please go to a specialist and get a professional diagnosis if you feel you might actually have a mental problem, don’t just use a personality disorder (or any other disorder) as a “cool and special identity trait”. That’s actually pretty ableist, even if you don’t want it to be.

3. INFPs and school

I keep seeing posts that go like “I’m an INFP, that means I’m super intelligent but school just doesn’t get me and therefore I get bad grades :((”.

Newsflash: You shouldn’t 100 % believe everything 16personalities dot hell says.

Intelligence isn’t strictly tied to your type. There are more or less intelligent people of any type.

Also, maybe your current style of learning doesn’t fit you. I might make a post about the way I personally study in the future, maybe it could help you. Not to brag, but I graduated from school as the best of my year, and I am an INFP. It’s possible.

Just stop using “but my MBTI type :////” as an excuse please.

Rant over.