#ill do the read more thing hold on
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7, 12, 19!
long response + spoilers
7- fav good end is Madarame im predictable 😭😭 either him or fujieda! i love how alive towa feels in both of them (tho in v diff ways ik) . madarame prob fav fav good end tho bcs im biased and alsooo i love towas new hair and them travelling together n being so in love in a way that only works out for them....it jusr madenme happy. lso like i said towa feels v fiery n alive it was refreshing! and i rly love their ksis cgs, so theres that. i liked fujiedas ge too for obv reasons i jsut like seeimg towa healed n happy, n it was wrapped up rly well
OH YEAH FAV BAD END IS TAKU 😭😭 for the bugs thats ltierally rhe main reason . i liked that they wrre both full of bugs n it was rly oretty looking in a way? the cgs n the concept? to me atleast...
12- ive been into n+c for over s year so i was nayway planning to get imto sd sjfhd. sp at first i only checked it out bcs i wanted to play every chiral game. but what kept me going was def the worldbuildimg n just...hownreal towa felt to me? the gameplay mechanic was also rly cool n so different from what i had seen frm n+c. it was rly cool. i also love reading mysteries so slow dmaage was rly itneresting to me! i loved how they pulled it ofd. i also lvoed the stuff like clues and the palette it wss so neat :) so the chars n mystery n worldbuilding n unique choice system kept me going!
19- OUGH....OROBABLY KIRIHARA OR IKUINA...ikuina was my fav for a long time bcs its so pretty buf i loved kiriharas sm toooo it was rly cool!!!!!
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doodles of my fav sillies
anton belongs to @poicyss
#my brain is a barbie dreamhouse and theyre all just living in it#im especially fond of the second one because my mom used to hold me like that all the time <3#im drawing them a lot lately because im being crushed by the horrors and have to compensate for it somehow#homemade comfort blorbos......#watch me draw anton inconsistently bc i can never decide if i wanna draw him close to how he actually looks#or yassify him and give him soft fluffy hair and kind eyes and defined features. head in my hands#i dont really have a lot of drawing ideas for them bc they dont have like. a canon storyline or anything methinks#its just stuff me and bow toss around and giggle abt thru messages lol. maybe ill draw infant vincent one of these days#i just come up with stuff and draw them doing it. it makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside#cuz like anton works for lobocorp as an abnormality BUT hes super duper chill and cute and does his funny little tasks so its fine#AND hes unkillable. auggie is an oc ive had since like 6th grade and i smushed them together. and vincent was for fun but i got attached#i dont have much of a read on anton either bc i think hes meant to be more of an insert character??? if im using that right#on one hand i dont think too hard abt anything being ooc since im not taking it seriously. on the other hand i just hold them in my hands#and stare into space until i can come up with something to draw since i dont have much to go off of. but its fun to build on small tidbits!#i think bow called it an au so i guess??? its an au????? im not really sure. bow if youre reading this im just willy nilly#the only thing i know for sure is that they boink like rabbits. im talking gomez and morticia levels of boinking#maybe ill go back and look at my old doodles for them and redraw em lol#myart#my art#my oc#oc#friend oc#augusta#anton#vincent#sillies family#doodles
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more rejuv things but its. its just this guy again, im sorry shes all i can draw
#everyday im like i wanna draw :] and then i just end up with this thing on the page#i refuse to draw hands holding. because i cannot and im too lazy to figure it out#oh yea a couple of these i havent posted before because theyre lame to me but ill put them here for now#anyways!!#i was gonna say something about a couple of these but i forgot#oh well#pokemon rejuvenation#does she. lose her ribbon in blacksteeple. i forgot#she still has it to me..#to me her c15 hair tie is a torn part of the ribbon#anyways again. yesterday i finally figured out what the rejuvrp is. very cool stuff im so incredibly intrigued by it#i have no idea whats going on! but it looks so cool ill try to read it more later.#oh right again about the rejuvrp thing. the character designs ive seen are so so so cool i want to draw them so bad#i think i have to ask about that first though and there is! no way i am going to do that!!! i do not want to bother them#and i think my heart would explode from the fear of it all before i even typed the message.#that and im very lazy! theres a very good chance i wouldnt even draw it in the first place#anyways unrelated but i think if i get another comment from someone on something i Will Actually Explode.#i see someone said something and it kills me on the daily. what is happening... thank you.. i appreciate it very much...#sorry to whoever read all of that. um. hi youre really cool and i hope you have a good day/night#i think being on twitter has done something to me i have to leave it immediately. anyways back to twitter#wait actually i should go back to playing rejuv. im still in the grove from when i first posted the gym leader melia au. im afraid to leave#also play pokemon rejuvenation no i will not stop saying that everytime i post one of these
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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ok i get why anthy has creature of delirium now
#rgu ramblings abound:#i just assumed she had many-faced as in. socially. shifting to be whatever the current Engaged wants#but no yeah ep 23. she does do that.#what in the (end of the) world were those hands during ep 22 though#like yeah yeah time is fucked so the hourglass is blue for illusion#tokiko's lipstick on the teacup was orange so like... juri-color. hopeless relationships? i cant pin it down in words but yknow what i mean#but what was the black cats teacup butterfly guys holding hands etc about? might be missing cultural context. ill read some analyses later#god mikage is such a good character though. WILL miss him going ''fukaku motto fukaku''.#i know akio is the patriarchy but like. is he... a reverse bodhisattva or something????????????????????????????????????????????????????????#keeping people in the schoolgrounds-of-not-letting-go-of-the-past??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????#..himemiya under orders from himemiyas brother pretended to be mamiya trying to get people to kill himemiya so mamiya could become himemiya#not quite ''vergil teamed up with vergils brother and vergils son to kill vergil so vergil could become vergil'' but close enough#saionji is the only one sweating during the intro. wonder what that means#i saw an utena out-of-context compilation before watching the show and like#nanami lesbian moment which i have no context for had birds. juri shiori episode had a birds. is birds lesbians???????#the cmwge seed program is EXTREMELY utena student council huh.#...i watched a few more episodes before posting#i had written a whole thing about how i didnt get why anthy was on CoD because they pull the sword out of *her*#and had an epiphany about how she like. used the black rose duelists as vessels and extracted the student council's swords#but nope! she's straight up pulling the sword out of utena now#the subtitles called the elevator a ''gondola'' and... I Don't Think That's What That Is. Like. At All#also god is akio creepy. viscerally uncomfortable man. i wish to Punt him#is the new ed song about jesus??? a full analysis wouldnt fit here but yknow. dante's paradiso mentioned. also nge is full of jesus so#also! empty motion??? after the primum mobile thing??? that seems important!!! is it referring to the eternal thing? i guess?#from that ooc compilation- touga repeated akio's throbbing engine thing p much verbatim to saionji. something something cycles of abuse#(it WAS an EXTREMELY funny scene though)#huh. not a single man in this show is normal about women. is that a themes thing or#oh wait no. yamada tanaka and suzuki. love those guys. i def didnt have to look up their names what are you talking about#also mamiya i guess but he doesn't count he's dead#was really expecting utena to turn into a car during the saionji duel. like. the whole arena's cars. i know she does it but if not now when
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(credits to ssruis)
This song is the only thing keeping me going I do not play about mr showtime 😞 nothing ruined me (made my life better) the way this song did
(Sendn. Me songs to do this with in my ask box… sniffle…)
#circuses? heh.. yeah.. im familiar… jesters? oh#even better…. rellakinoko? now hold on this is already gonna be good… tsukasa tenma? im sold. the fish has been captured. im followinf the#sirens into the deepest parts of the sea and wont be coming back. Unfortunately i had gotten t1k (t571) on ensekai for phoenix and am still#bitter about it. Emu and nene came home but the ugly blonde didnt. This is why we’re having problems tsukasa#i have a mr showtime themed custom profile that needs to be finished aand i gotta work on my one for#tsukasa4#ill be more prepared for that one im certain of it#knocking on wood#PRAYING.#t500 would have been nice you know… unfortunately i ran out of resources.#i think the amount of time and love ive poured into making everything abt this event makes up for this though. Also this is gonna sound#obnoxious but i feel like one of the five people who actually. You know. Get the event. Like its importance which ill elaborate on in a#future post. Everybody wants to talk about this event but nobody wants to read the story#and the side stories Guysss ur missing out its so good when youre not forcing urself to think tsukasa has an ed and dont even know a single#thing abt acting yet believe one google search can prove that method acting is Absolutely Totally Going To Ruin His Life#i dont think fasting was alright it was pretty stupid but what he did doesnt make him have an ed or this or that#I do think you should be very. Very careful with method acting by the way. That can mess you up. But i dont think thats where theyll be#taking tsukasa in the future. Yes itd be nice to show the risks and get a You know be careful but its not as dark and This is gonna ruin hi#😞😨My poor baby!! As people think#omg i got sidetracked LET ME TALK ABT THE BINGO???1?1? Easily distracted ass#Uhm. Where do i begin. Nvm i dont wanna write too much more but this song truly does mean the world to me#And rella’s art is so goood my eyes are always glued to it. For some reason i keep having trouble fcing the expert chart for it on ensekai#ut was just fine on jpsekai. Frowny face. I could listen to the song all day though#Those instrumentals are popping offff i tell you#hidden circus#wonderlands x showtime#wxs#wansho#commissioned song#prsk
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I have a longing to be understood more than anything else i think
#someone very recently acknowledged something that usually goes unseen and it wasn't even that great of an acknowledgement but ive just been#staring at the messages every once in a while. its great. not really i sort of feel like a real weirdo#im very lonely. i cant say why but let it be known that i am very lonely#ok i have a question to those who lie their eyes upon this post: tell me what you know about me please?#so much lies in my social perception and i am just. not being perceived. at all. darn#i have a lot to cry about but morally i dont think i should-- specifics would mean being mean to the people i love#talking to anyone anymore just makes me feel horrible. doing anything anymore makes me feel horrible..tmbg has my back though ill live for#another.week or a few. and then my birthday will happen and rhen um#.Well. it sucks that sucks man. i dont want to disclose my age but to elaborate on why ACTUALLY HOLD ON#the thing i am about to say is not true; it is a metaphorical thing: it is my 21st birthday soon.#i decided that i wouldnt live past this age around 5 years ago and the only reason ive lived five years is being killed this year. i dont#think every thing ive been desperately clinging on to for the past 2 (?) years can keep me alive past then..i think im going to die. i have#to#NO MORE BEING A DOWNER#fox (vulpes vulpes) on the Internet for the first time#okay maybe a little more..i dont know who im talking to in this post. my friends do not read my tumblr and. i dont know anyone else.really.#uh#I'm listen to tmbg right now i love them#hey reader; i can only think of 3 people who see enough about me to check my blog. so i have separate questions for the each of you.#one of you likes (liked? school came in and i couldnt see your blog much past then; idk if its changed) tmbg. what do you think of The Else?#and uh you there... the guyyy. Google john flansburgh..i dont have a reason to this one ive just not been able to stop thinking about askin#you what you think of him.#um third person..... um#okay theres nothing iecan ask. i do want to apologize to you though: im sorry.#iThis is bullshit#im gonna delete this soon#Um also sorry if my wording here is. really wack. i tend to do that#i dont think anyones going to see this as is always#i think i just like talking to the hypothetical beast. yeah
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are there any other historical figures you like I'm intrigued 👀
Okay buckle in, somehow this post will be weirder than any of my f1 stuff bcs for some reason I'm very intense about historical figures, I think I just have a tendency to treat them like blorbos
Mostly I'm endeared to powerful figures, idk why, it's the way it is. Okay so obviously you already know I like Napoleon(and Wellington to an extent), that really doesn't need to be emphasized anymore
Since being in Austria, I feel super endeared to Maria Theresa. She just seemed like such a boss! I think she's just really cool. Her father changed the plan of succession so she'd become Empress(rather than her cousins), but immediately upon taking power, she was immediately embroiled in war over her being the new ruler(everyone who had signed the treaty of succession suddeny reversed) But she defended her rule of the Habsburg monarchy! I think the coolest part about her is that her husband, who married into the Habsburgs, was supposed to be in charge, but she wouldn't let him be involved at all practically and was the de facto ruler of the Holy Roman Empire for like 20 years. She had 16 children and was basically constantly pregnant and having kids while involved in war, yet still held power and guided Austro-Hungary through it all 🥹 I think it's very funny also that she was laying out so many reforms, guiding the country basically just herself, and still found time to write letters to all their kids and be an overbearing mother. Also she was Marie Antoinette's mother?? I'm still shocked by how many important kids she had. If you've been to any part of the former Austro-Hungarian(+ Bohemian) Empire, she really left her mark, there's soooo much stuff named after her. The statue of her in between the Kunsthistorisches and the Natural History Museum in Vienna is really cool, and that she has a whole Platz named after her with her giant statue!!! I think it's just really admirable that a woman at that period of time had so much power and ruled so efficiently. (MY god sorry I wrote so much)
Okay now I'll try to refrain from the historical rambles, I also like: Julius Caeser(cliche sorry I know), Dmitri Shostakovich(my favorite composer ever), Pyotr Tchaikovsky(pls read about his sugar mommy patron), Erwin Rommel(I like his nickname: The Desert Fox), J.C. Leyendecker(favorite artist, I am obsessed with his work), Alphonse Mucha, Calvin Coolidge(not the best president by far but the anecdotes about his social awkwardness and quietness are hilarious to me), Ernst Gideon von Laudon(not completely insane about him, but it's like with the Napoleon Crossing the Alps painting, I saw a painting and bust of him and now feel weirdly endeared.) And then there's probably some others I can't recall atm because it's 3 am
I think my top three though are Napoleon, Julius Caesar and Maria Theresa. They're all just very: "Catie saw a painting/statue and is now very weird about it." And then being in the vicinity of so much history made it 1000x worse. Things I saw in Vienna that made me go "oh my god it's blorbo from my history book": Napoleon Crossing The Alps painting(I seriously sat in that room for probably 20 mins just staring at it, I didn't want to leave) + some other various Napoleon artifacts in the Heeresgesichtliche, a very nice bust of Julius Caesar, and literally the entirety of Vienna had Maria Theresa everywhere
#i said before but i do think its funny to have historical blorbos bcs it makes people go 'what is wrong with you'#all my friends on that trip soon learned my napoleon obsession once we stepped in that museum....#you guys are learning too much about my psyche between this and the OC posts#you thought I was unhinged only about F1? dont worry. it gets worse.#i just like reading and then holding info i guess so i can go on random rants#and history is the best to read about!!#mostly though im incapable of being normal about anything i have to be unhinged about it#but gahhhhhh im having actually a lot a lot of fun with all the napoleon stuff lately#thank you guys for encouraging me <3#for some reason that era imprinted on my brain and its always there and i cant escape#so being able to use it and indulge in it is so much fun#also i found this random person's blog and they are way more knowledgeable abt Napoleon than me#i was having so much fun reading through their blog and learning!!!!#anyways yes here pls take my rambling this one is especially bad#why did you have to ask 😭 you dont know what you unleashed in me 😭😭😭#* gotta add#the napoleon thing is sooooooo bad#like ill see a tiny ref to him and ill get all 😍 about it#like i think one time in Russian we were reading names of historical figures in cyrillic#and i saw napoleon and i like had such a 'gasping maiden' moment#WHY AM I LIKE THIS WHY DID MY BRAIN DO THIS TO ME#i dont get it either so dont question it JDKFLGLG#i mentioned but someone asked me 'so why do you like napoleon so much' and im just ?????? i dont choose what i brainrot over.#catie.asks.#catie.rambling.txt#sorry its late and i feel deranged#no FPs for me! too busy and too tired
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honestly i don’t really think any mental illnesses have been like “destigmatized”- not fully at least. i think the stigma has just changed from demonization to “that’s not a real problem get over it god”
#obviously demonization is more Actively Harmful#but to say things like depression and anxiety have been destigmatized is. incorrect i feel#yes we are not treated like we’re evil. which is for sure an improvement#nobody deserves to be treated like they’re evil#but our illnesses are now being dismissed. ‘oh everyone has that’ not like me#‘you’re just being lazy’ i wish that were true#like. ok hold on let me use an example bc i’m worried abt reading comprehension on this website#(not my followers i trust u guys but i act as if every post i make will get popular)#my brother is autistic. i have GAD.#my brother was diagnosed when he was 2. he’s faced a lot of bullying from both kids and adults and it sucks and he didn’t deserve it#because of all that bullying (especially as a kid) he’s rejecting his autism and focusing really hard on being as ‘normal’ as possible#i was diagnosed last year at 17. i’ve been having these issues my whole life (my mom and i both saw it) but my issues were dismissed#by all the other adults around me (save for family) because i wasn’t visibly struggling and i was doing well in school#it made me doubt my convictions for a long time. what if i’m wrong?#as such i didn’t seek a diagnosis for a long time until my anxiety had gotten to a point where i knew i couldn’t keep ignoring it#now that i have that diagnosis i’m able to wield it as a weapon. my struggles aren’t made up#they’re real. and they always have been. and i can’t just ‘calm down’ like you can. and that needs to be respected#so while i think one is more actively harmful (bullying and harassment lead to self-rejection and loathing)#the other is also harmful- just passively (constantly being dismissed leads to self-doubt and not asking for help)#also why are people angry about the idea of a mental illness being destigmatized?#one group freeing itself from oppression isn’t gonna immediately forget about the groups who helped them get there#if i’m one day able to get perfect accomodations for my anxiety and nobody looks at me like i’m dramatic when i talk about it#i’m not gonna suddenly stop advocating for mental health issues to be normalized#if anything i’ll argue HARDER. you learned to understand me now learn to understand my siblings#learn to understand those with bpd. with psychosis. the sociopaths. the narcissists. the systems#i’m not gonna act like i have it worse than people who are heavily stigmatized. i’m not gonna get attacked for stuttering at mcdonalds#but that doesn’t mean i have /no/ problems and it doesn’t mean i think i’m better than anyone else#i don’t get why people fight each other about this. it’s a good thing so long as we remember where we came from
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Its kind of insane like genuinely insane how many people on here have no idea what life is like for average people in the third world / global majority and the Neo-colonialism that creates those conditions to support conditions in the North and how insanely cruel they can be as the absolute baseline and the type of killing and death that maintains the boundaries between the north and the south.
Like tell me you've never met an immigrant or refugee without telling me. Do you genuinely not know what happens to people who get deported, or work in the farms or meatpacking factories that feed the North?? The child deaths in the border crossings? The mines all over the globe? The people that die from lack of baseline vaccinations and sanitation and healthcare trademarked by western companies? The literal MILLIONS of third worlders killed in the wars across the globe defending US economic hegemony? The agent orange, the land mines, the carpet bombing, the drones? What the fuck is wrong with you?
#mine#sorry bitchy posting#idk why I even read discourse on here anymore its mostly just beefing or more motivated by a specific shitty user or whatever.#idk but like we can accept that you can be poor and disabled and still have other privileges why is it not ok to point out the#overwhelmingly oppressive conditions the North holds the South in and the passport and supply chain and linguistic and exchange rate and#labor protections other such things that all citizens of the global North have closer access to than those of the South. What if it didn't#matter who was in charge of your country and no matter what liberatory things they wanted to do the IMF could still have you gutted and#economically force your country to cut your social programs and use national debt to put your entire population to work serving the#producing goods and raw materials that everyone in the global north consumes whether they have a choice or not.#It not like similar conditions don't exist in the north but its crazy to see people posting that imperial core privilege doesn't exist.#It fucking does.#and it grinds up the bodies of the south in million upon millions and it's fucking insane to act like its an imposition on you to even try#to care or understand. Borders are material and they fucking kill people. They fucking kill people#I literally know someone who almost died because of his non-residential status. His life was only saved because he happened to get diagnose#in a country that had a medical system that could treat him. He had to stay sick and dying and away from his family for 4 fucking years#because if he went home he would never be allowed back again. He was only able to stay because he had support from a vouching citizen frien#who could speak the language well. Then after he was cleared he was sent home and because he has a 'preexisting risk factor' he will never#be granted a work visa in the country again. If /when the illness relapses he is going to die without treatment.#It makes me fucking livid that people can discard the violence of borders so quickly. Borders fucking kill. And they kill in the millions.#The north runs of southern blood. That doesnt mean that northerners arent killed too. But its fucking crazy to act like no such axis exists#any american president would kill the same number of southerners without the destruction of the north-south extractive supply chain.#Im sorry about the spam lol. But this just pisses me off. HOW ARE YOU SO BLIND. How can you say these things and think youre a good person.#How can you say these things. How.
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i finished twelfth night. 25 out of 38 shakespeare plays completed.
#after finally reading othello and twelfth night in the past 10 days im not sure which are the most famous plays i still havent read#bc like ive mentioned previously ive always read the plays in arbitrary order. whatever piqued my interest#hence why i read the henry vi plays relatively early on. or some of the more obscure comedies#but lately since i past the halfway mark this year some of the more talked-about ones im like 'geez i should just get to that one already'#not that that makes me enjoy it any less. i think i mentioned that in my post i made while reading othello#i fucking loved othello. that shit was 10/10 although i very much was reading it bc i felt like i had to at that point.#doesnt mean i wouldnt love it. after all i only read shakespeare bc i love shakespeare! not bc theres a gun to my head#its more like i just want to know what everyone's talking about already#tales from diana#i think at this point the most famous one i still havent read is... much ado about nothing? which isnt THAT famous all things considered#but some of you ppl do seem to be awful crazy about it so ill see#i already knew the plot of twelfth night i had just never read the original. now i have#so i kinda already knew how much enjoyment i could get out of it. some! a good amount!#but i found it a quick read and i wasnt THAT excited about it#the next one i want to read is pericles though. ive read 8 shakespeare plays in 2023 but none have been romances!#i do love the romances. the romances are still the only genre where i havent read more than half of them#ive read 2 out of 5. the tempest and the winter's tale... two of my favorites overall#in a way ive kind of been holding myself back from reading more romances bc i needed to check some of my 'required reading' boxes lol
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Apparently my not doing well is noticeable because my boss gave me Friday off and was like hey take a long weekend and go see your family
#I’m not sure if I will go home#it depends on if I think I can talk to my parents about Why I’m struggling#without them trying to convince me it’s not as bad as I think it is#also to be fair the family comment is just because I do go home to my parents like every other week#when we convinced my grandma to move into a retirement home near them one of the selling points was it being easier for people to visit#mostly me since my other cousin doesn’t go by like ever even tho she lives half an hour away#(for those of you that know Zoe this is the other side of my family so a different situation grandma wise#anyways I go by and see her for a while on Saturdays I’m up and swing by Sunday morning when I head home#I’ve spent more time with her since she moved then I had in years#which is good I’m glad I get to see her m#I got off topic there but like the go home to see your family wasn’t a you’re barely holding it together and need your family#it’s more you need a break go see your family like you like to do#but like I said I’m not sure I mean honestly I only got my mom to understand I struggle with mental illness like a couple of years ago#I don’t know how she missed me going to therapy and being on antidepressants in high school#maybe she just thought it was a grief thing and that I’d gotten better?#god I wrote so much in these tags sorry thanks to any of you that read all the way through
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#hmm its been an interesting week i suppose#very busy in a good way. but that is always how it starts. i make myself so busy and it feels good and then i wobble and fall out of my body#so im feeling wary. also bc ive been under sleeping more than ususal but im not really tired but im also not boiling out of my skin with#energy. i just feel ok. so thats good. but also a demon in the back of my head is always like: then stay up all night. lets see how far we#can push this. which is not good. and in fact ive been proscribed like basically emergency mood stablizers to knock me out if i start like#losing my mind and not sleeping lol. bc i dont wanna b getting ready for something big and like completely unavailable to control my#ability to think. and ive also been proscribed birth control to get a handke on my fucked up hormones. so we'll see if that makes things#less all over the place. hopefully it works bc im so busy i kinda dont have time to like freak thr fuck out#but i am a lil apprehensive bc like i can count on my hormones to make me feel things when a lot of the time i dont have much emotional#range. so its like fuck finally i can cry abt this. or like fuck this is so beautiful. but then i also cant function sometimes#so i guess i just gotta see what happens. sigh. also the typical frustrating in having to read so much. like ppl hear im dyslexic and r like#oh do u want accommodation? like literally wtf r u gonna do to help me as a grad student? it just takes an agonizing amount of time to#understand thing. i have my computer read to me and i suffer. theres literally nothing else to b done abt it. and fucking next week i have#to teach a fucking lab abt reading scientific papers. they have to read a paper in class. fuck off. those r the types of exercises that make#me feel so fucking stupid. like do this thing right now. read it right here and answer questions abt it. and i fucking read it and retain#fucking nothing. im fucking 26 and literally in my grant writing class i have to apologize to every person before i give them feedback like#lol sorry i can barely fucking read. i fucking cant understand language. its fine but it sucks. theres nothing to do abt it. it just makes#me mad i have to teach a class that would have made me cry as an undergrad. so ill prob hold their hands thru it more than the other TAs#will. bc fuck u im not making them read a whole fucking paper in class. fuck u#plus the frustration of not being able to express myself well in thr moments. like theres a delay in my brain so i feel so dumb when im#trying to convey myself off the top of my head. like give me time and ill write it all out for u i just cant actually process wtf ur saying#to me. also i probably spaced out for a sec so i missed part of the convo lol. frustrating but at this point its just how it is. it makes me#more empathetic when i have to teach i guess. like listen ive got all kinds of fucking learning probs i just wanna help u learn something#how can i help? fucking dyslexia. god. i dont wanna prep for class this weekend. ive gotta show up like yea i kno reading papers is hard at#first but it gets easier! fuck u. its worth the suffering if i enjoy to topic but its always suffering. but thats what i get for going into#academia. thr dr who proscribed me stuff was like well sounds like u have a stress trigger and ur a phd student where life is stress... u#gotta figure out whats gonna work for u. sometimes thats a career change. not in like a pushy way just like: if what u do makes u suffer#then wtf r u doing? and hes got a point. but in contrast to what i was doing this is a massive improvement#well see if its manageable. ugh. i just wanna draw#unrelated
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mansfield park is so desperately frustrating to read bc i CARE SO MUCH about fanny and the entire thing is just people taking advantage of her and her being too timid and too self conscious to ask for or refuse anything for herself and it just makes me miserable.
#edmundcore of me i suppose. i am snatching her away from all the crawfords and bertrams and i am holding her#SHES ONLY 18!!! and shes so convinced that no one should ever notice her and thay she deserves nothing its so sad#the things she praises edmund for.... especially at the start of the book... girl you deserve so much more......#its crazy. are fanny and catherine (northanger abbey) the same age?#thats my next one to read i think. im finishing mansfield tonight#i might do sense and sensibility next tho as its+mansfield are my least favourite so i might save northanger..#im not sure ill read p&p ive read it so often when i was young idk i dont want to end on it i think ik it too well#but maybe ill end on persuasion again. i do love persuasion dearly
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HELLO MY LOVES
it's been so long and I've finally got the time to get on this app omg I missed this place.
i have a few words for my mutuals in the tags so I hope you read it a bit at least—I've decided to post this because, idk sending them to you one by one is a bit time-wasting.
#i missed you guys truly#so i wanted to patch things up between us. me and you. because it feels like the follow and follow thing is just a status and not us—#—really being mutuals. i truly love you all but as you all know ive NEVER bring up a conversation let alone hold one and therefore—#—im very sorry#i dont know what and how you guys think of me during all these times but i hope not all of them are bad things#having mutuals was actually something i really wanted but now that i have you guys i dont know what to do because—#—the thought of talking with people online and getting to know each other was so thrilling but it made me realize how poor my—#—social skills are and also made me realize that im a big fat wuss#seeing you guys interact so effortlessly was something ive always envy put until now and it makes me think#“how can i be like them”#so i hope that i can go further into this making friends thing instead of looking for mutuals and i hope you guys can tolerate me as—#—i will try my utmost best to communicate#ill also try to send asks frequently so i can stay online on this hell site (im searching for miguel content as well)#also like i said i want to be more than mutuals i wanna be friends to you guys so hopefully youll see me as one too#thank you for reading this far i truly appreciate i#lovies .* ˀˀ#by the way#i hope this post doesn't rub off the wrong way i just really hate being like this and i wanna fix everything😭
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the in space with markiplier music is crazy... all i have to hear is the first note from the trailer for it and my eyes start to involuntarily water... like what tha hell...
#i go and i come back and i go and i comeback and i always come back...#things that fucking ALTERED my brain chemistry#i dont think even heist affected me like this#maybe its cause i love like space as a thing so much.. but i also think iswm was a lot more emotional :sob:#like... that ending ...#deciding to hold onto him... him saying he's tired... oh he broke my heart........#there was so much emotion packed into 'im tired captain' like ok ill kill myself rn?#lord... i cant watch iswm without crying at least 3 or 4 times#also im in love with him if it wasnt clear i did in fact order a large pepperoni pizza??#what would you guys do if i started giffing mark. i. plier#FAFNOANIWFIONAINWF#li.txt#no one read all of this and if you did im sorry i cant afford to pay for your therapy
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