#maybe she just thought it was a grief thing and that I’d gotten better?

[bundlebrent]

Apparently my not doing well is noticeable because my boss gave me Friday off and was like hey take a long weekend and go see your family

[mcu-fan-fics-blog]

Duty Before Love i

Summary: Kate struggles to find a balance between her old life and her new very real reality of becoming an Avenger. Will you fit in her new life... The real question is if there would be space for her in yours.

Kate Bishop x Fem! Reader

Word Count: 3133 aprox

A/n: Hello everyone!!! This is a little story I've been toying with for a while. I think I've finally gotten it to a place where its not complete trash. I hope you guys enjoy it! If you did please let me know leave a like!

Bishop security was big, there was no denying it. Both Eleanor and Kate had good things going for them. The younger bishop however had no interest in her mother’s achievements. She loved her mother, but if she was at any event that had anything to do with bishop security,  it was because of pure obligation. She hadn’t yet succumbed to the weight of the legacy her mother was building for her. “Oh come on y/n” And there it was, her and her incessant complaining. “Let’s just leave, no one will notice.” You laughed at her statement. “No one will miss you!” You said chuckling. She gasped feigning offense. “What it’s true! You’ve never stuck around, so people don’t expect you to.” She nodded smugly trying to prove her point. “Unlike you people expect me to show up.” She grumbled. “I know what I need to do to fulfill my role, Kate. I’ll have to step up sooner or later.” She sighs loudly. “You sound just like my mother.” It made you laugh. “Well, maybe you should listen to her from time to time.” She didn’t laugh. 

“You know that I’ll never be that.” She picked at her fingers. “I’m never going to be that.” It was your turn to bite your tongue. “Clint and I just barely started making progress, real progress!” you flinched at the mention of the name. You sympathized with Kate she was your best friend how could you not? But sometimes that’s what it meant to be a good friend—keeping your friends from the wrong paths. All she was doing was denying her reality. “I get all of that but all you’ve really been doing is putting yourself in danger.” She huffed already knowing where you were going. “You’re going to get yourself killed in some obscure and tragic way! And I’ll never be able to get over it.” 

This wasn’t the first time you and Kate had this conversation and you can already see the irritation building in her. “Can’t you just be happy that I’m doing what I love? That I’d die doing what I love!” How she said it irked you, and her insinuation made that annoyance triple. She’d realized her mistake as soon as the words came out of her mouth and saw your features falter. “Do you even realize how that sounds? You sound like some privileged adrenaline junkie that has nothing better to do with their life.” As much as your words had stung Kate realized she’d pushed you over the edge and took the brunt of the jab. Taking a deep breath, she collected her thoughts. “Look I didn’t mean it, not…” You cut her off, a peeved expression still on your face. “Don’t bother we both know you meant what you said.” 

“I’m sure it’ll bring your mom so much comfort knowing you died, well at least she died doing what she loved!” You scoffed. You both knew loss you both knew grief, so it didn’t make sense how she could be so careless about her life! “Whatever, you should leave I’m not stopping you.” You left Kate fumbling for words. And moved to your designated seat the gala was barely getting started and you had many people to greet and talk to. You shook your head when you managed to catch Eleanor’s eye. You watch as she pursed her lips and nodded dismissively. She walked towards you pulling you into a quick hug. “Thank you for giving her a fight but, you don’t have to. I know it’s hard on you.” She said sympathetically. You nodded and gave her a small smile, Kate lingered in your mind for the rest of your night.

Days had passed and you hadn’t reached out to Kate. You wish it could be that easy, but when it came down to Kate it was always so hard to put down the the pride. She knew it as well as you did. Hence why she hadn’t done it either. Eleanor however had other plans it seemed she called late for a very early impromptu meeting. You agreed somewhat apprehensively. You were surprised when you didn’t see Kate in the waiting room the surprise didn’t last long. You were called into her office rather quickly. You watched as Eleanor stood from her desk ready to greet you. “Y/n, so happy you could make it!” You moved to greet her and returned the hug she offered. “Me too… uhm” you couldn’t hide the confusion. “I just thought Kate was going to be here. She nods smiling. “She did mention a disagreement… fight.” She corrected. “Unfortunately Kate is obsessed with that man and the Avengers.” You nodded. “I’ve tried Mrs.Bishop I just can’t dissuade her.” Another smile spreads on her face. 

“I know Y/n, you won’t have to worry about that much longer.” Her words confuse you, she can tell. “I only mean that everything will fall into place.” She rephrased. You nodded. “Well now on to why you’re here.” You nod. There’s a knock at the door. “Your ten o’clock is here would you like me to tell her to wait?” Eleanor shook her head. “Send her in.” You move to leave her office but her hand stops you in your tracks. “This is why I called.” A small oh leave your mouth and you sit back down. “Y/n this is Yelena, she’s the daughter of a board member she is in town for the holidays, and needs someone to show her around.” You smile and greet the girl. “I told them Kate would show her around but seeing as my daughter… well I thought who better than y/n.” You smile at her consideration. She turns to Yelena. “Y/n she’s like my second daughter. You couldn’t be in better hands.” Yelena smiles. “I can believe it.” Her subtle accent makes you smile. 

Eleanor moves back to her desk. “Well, girls I’ll let you go, have fun.” You smile and wave goodbye. Before you completely manage to walk out the door you hear her call out. “Y/n I’ll handle Kate, don’t hold it against her.” You falter at her words, but you still nod. As soon as you’re out you look at the girl next to you and smile. “So what would you like to see first?” She laughs. “That’s why I’m here, for you to show me around!” You laugh. “Okay, okay I know exactly where to take you.” She smiles and nods. “Please, lead the way.” 

It had been three days since, and Kate still hadn’t reached out and you weren't necessarily itching to do it. “I ordered pizza, hope you don’t mind.” Yelena interrupted your inner thoughts. You chuckled shaking your head. “It’s perfect I was getting hungry.” She smiled and plopped down next to you. You and Yelena had hit it off and had been inseparable the last couple of days. You were laughing at the TV when you were interrupted by a knock on the door. Yelena jumped to open the door exited the pizza had finally gotten there. It’s only when she doesn’t immediately close the door that you move to see what the hold-up was. “So you’re not the pizza delivery?” You hear Yelena’s confused voice. “What are you doing here Kate?” She shuffles a little before answering your question. “Well we didn’t really leave on good terms last time we saw each other, and I was coming to talk things out.” Then her eyes shift to Yelena in front of you. “But uhm… I can see that you’re busy, and we can talk about this later.” Her eyes are still on Yelena. Before you could even put the words together Yelena beat you to it. “Yes, that's probably for the best.” She said glancing back at you. “Here’s the money for the pizza thanks.” She took the pizza and walked into the apartment leaving you at the door. 

You can see the questions in Kate's eyes and you just shake your head. “We should talk soon, tomorrow?” Kate nodded and walked off. You closed the door softly and sighed. It was for the best that you didn’t talk to Kate right at that moment you didn’t even know what to say. You walked towards the kitchen and sat in front of Yelena at the table. “Now that was more interesting than everything you showed me.” She teased, and it made you laugh. “By far 10/10 would recommend it again, I mean the tension… off the charts!” You scoffed. “We went to all the places you wanted to see! I took you to all the stupid tourist places!” She laughed at that “I have to say you were an amazing tour guide.” She cheesed. “I’m guessing that’s Kate?” You nod taking a bite of your pizza, humming at the taste. “She doesn’t look like a walking death wish… I actually don’t know what I expected.” And just like that Yelena moved on. “Movies?” You smiled grateful for her tact. 

Kate's mind was reeling, who was that woman, and why did she look so comfortable in your apartment? She was too distracted by the idea that she failed to notice her mother waiting at her door. “Kate I’ve been waiting for you!” She said cheerfully. Her eyes sparkled. Kate tried to match her mother’s smile but failed. “I’m sorry I swung by y/n’s place like you said. You know to talk things over… She had company.” Her mother tapped her forehead. “I forgot I had y/n and Yelena meet up! I’m glad that they hit it off!” Kate was flabbergasted. “You set y/n up, why?” Her mother shook her head in denial. “I did not set her up! I just had a feeling that they would hit it off.” Kate could not believe the words coming from her mother’s mouth. Anger started to creep in. “And what feeling was that exactly?” Her mother paid no mind to her thinly veiled anger. “That they would get along y/n is a good girl and someone like Yelena would be good for her.” She reasoned. Kate swore she saw red. 

“So you did set her up!” Her tone was now raised and clipped. “Kate I didn’t tell her to sleep with the girl if that’s what you’re asking!” Kate felt a pang in her chest. “Now my question is why you’re so upset about it?” Kate scoffed. “Now that is something I’m very interested in.” She ignored Kate’s indignation. “I’m not!” She said defensively. “I just think it is odd that you are meddling in her love life.” It wasn’t just about that. Everything about you being with that woman felt wrong, fundamentally. “Well, it shouldn’t she is practically my daughter, one who by the way listens and actually uses my advice!” Kate scoffed. “We both know why that is.” Kate spat. She regretted the words as soon as she said them. She had a habit of not thinking things through. Her mother winced her eye twitching not giving in to the obvious provocation. “I know you, you will hurt her…” Kate’s eyes widened. Her throat suddenly dry she sputtered trying to find the words. “Y/n and I… we- we haven’t…” 

“No, you haven’t, and it should stay that way.” Kate was again left speechless. Her mother continued. “Y/n holds a very important position in our board of investors, I’d rather keep things clean and uncomplicated.” She punctuated. “To keep her on my side.” Her tone was clinical. Kate scoffed. “It is clear that she won’t make you choose. So I will.” Then suddenly the air was pulled out of her chest. “You’ll lose her either way! Do you truly believe y/n will stick around to watch you throw your life away!” Her mother spoke, Kate had never seen her mother like this. “You have no right to do this! This is my life!” Her mother shook her head. “That’s where you’re wrong the moment you decided to put your life in danger, was the moment that as your mother I decided to step in! I have every right…” Kate was pacing at this point. Her fingers were on her temples. “So you’re making me choose?” Eleanor nodded. Kate scoffed calling her mother’s bluff. “You don’t have that kind of power, not over me not over y/n .” Her mother sighed. “Maybe I do, maybe I don’t. Why don’t we find out?” With that, the older woman walked away from her. Her words left Kate cold. She shook the thought away you wouldn’t play into her mother’s hand, would you? 

The thought continued to eat at Kate the following days. It had been three days now that you had pushed your meet up. Three days that felt like weeks to her. Her mother was using you against her in the worst way possible. She knew, how she felt and still felt comfortable putting her in that position. She was not going to let it slide any longer. She was at your door again her fist raised to knock on your door. Only this time she didn’t have to, it opened before her hand could touch the wood. “Oh, Kate!” Your tone surprised. “Are- were you going somewhere?” Kate stuttered. “To find you actually…” you said a small smile playing on your lips. Kate’s heart fluttered in her chest, nodding as you let her walk in and get settled. “Can we talk?” Kate’s tone was soft but serious. You nodded softly. Kate sighed relieved. Just as she was about to speak you beat her to it. “I’m sorry.” Kate froze. What? “I’ve realized I can’t force you to stop doing things, even if I really want to I just can’t.” Your words were sincere. Kate was at a loss for words. She wasn’t going to mention it but she was ready to have it out with you again. She had prepared for it even, she was slightly disappointed about that. “Yelena pointed out to me that I was being a shitty friend, and she was right.” You just had to keep speaking… Just like that, she was annoyed again. “Who- who even is she?” Kate asked probing your response. “Uhm your mom didn’t tell you?” You questioned. Kate shook her head. “Your mom introduced us, she’s also going to be a part of the board.” 

It was only then that she reasoned her mother was not bluffing. This made too much sense. Having you and Yelena in her pocket would work out for her mother. She hated to say it but it was a smart move. Kate managed a small “cool” as she ruminated on the thought. “You two have gotten very close.” She wasn’t asking you realized. You nodded. “She’s a good person.” Kate almost scoffed. “One could argue I’m a better person! I could save the world one day.” She said smugly. “That’s if you don’t get yourself killed before then, sure.” The reply was waiting to come out she realized, and she grimaced. Kate backtracked. “How about a movie?” She reasoned and you couldn’t deny her, you did miss her. “I have time for one.” You said glancing at your watch. She smiled and got comfortable on your couch laying her head on your lap. She sighed all was right again. Truth be told Kate paid no mind to the movie once your fingers started running through her hair she knew there was no point in trying to keep up. Then you had to open your pretty mouth. “Kate I have to go.” The credits were now rolling on the screen. “Kate come on I really do… you can come with if you’d like?” She was eager to. “Where to?” She questioned. “Yelena wanted to volunteer at a soup kitchen… she saw it in a movie and wanted to do it.” 

There was a look of what you could only say was pure dissatisfaction. Your answer was not something she liked in the least bit. You’re both interrupted by Kate’s ringing phone. “Clint” you hear her mutter getting up from your lap and walking a short distance away. When she turns back your shoes are on and keys in your hand ready to leave. An expectant look on your face. “I- uhm duty calls.” She said uncertainly pointing to her phone. “Figured…” a displeased look on your face, which did not go unnoticed. Before she could address it you were halfway to the door. “Let yourself out, I’m going to be late! Lock up…” She could only watch as you did. You stopped suddenly at the now open door. “Be careful.” She couldn’t even reply you stepped out and closed the door behind you. You were gone again.

The following days were rough on Kate. Dealing with the ever-growing problem with Clint, fighting, and training. On top of that dealing with her mother, she was having a hard time compensating. Most grueling of all you were giving her the cold shoulder. Her mother had been directly working against her on that front, so she wasn’t too surprised. She however should’ve known her mother was willing to take it further. You were too nice to completely blow off Kate. So here you both were having family dinner with her mother. “You know y/n Yelena has spoken very highly of you, her father was very pleased to hear it!” You smiled softly your cheeks dusting a shade of pink. All of which didn’t go unnoticed. “She’s fun to hang out with, she gets me… shares my work ethic. She’s ambitious like few are these days.” Eleanor’s eyes shift to Kate a brow raised knowingly. “That is so good to hear y/n!”

The following words made Kate seethe internally cursing her mother. “You know y/n now that I think about it… Your parents met at around your age.” She wiggled her eyebrows suggestively. “Mom…” Kate cut in. “I think you are right,” you said ignoring Kate’s interruption. Eleanor chuckles taking a small sip from her wine turning her attention back to her daughter. “They would make a cute couple, don’t you think Kate?” Her mother was not holding back, she was not willing to play into her hand. Still, she replied. “Y/n would make a cute couple with literally anyone… Put her next to the ugliest person on earth and she’d cancel out the ugly.” You chuckled at her thought. “Thanks, Kate.” Kate froze for a second you’d acknowledged her. She shook her head. “But Y/n barely knows this girl. She should take her time.” And somehow you were still smiling. “I am… taking my time.” Your eyes were far away. Perhaps your thoughts as well.

A/n: Surprise shawty!!! Happy New Year. This has been sitting in the drafts for a hot minute, please let me know If y’all liked and would like to see a second installment. First time really delving into Kate kinda rough ngl. I have another installment of remember a time, it’s done should be up next week. Abstract love is still in development you’ll get some more angst and of course cuteness ensues. As always have a great day and know you’re loved!

[crystallizsch]

I DIDNT THINK THE COLOR-MY-TREE MESSAGES WOULD BE OPEN FOR EVERYONE AT ONCE— IT’S NOT THE 25TH FOR ME YET-

oughhhhhghh anyways very long all-over-the-place, one-thought-leads-to-another sappy message below. read it or not, it’s up to you hdbjss (and don’t worry i’m not putting any messages on blast they were private for a reason 😭) it’s morning for me so i’m just AGH

i wanted to write a general thank-you message but as soon as i started typing all the words i wanted to properly say left my cranium and said “hey let’s be vulnerable” and so here we are.

anyways HI HELLO HI every message means A LOT💥💥💥, thank you to everyone who took time to write one for me. from the simple greetings, the silly messages, and the sweet and vulnerable ones. i will forever remember you all and i’ll keep you in my heart safe and sound. 💖

HARD PIVOT this small part can be skipped but i think i’ve only vaguely and briefly touched on this on my main but christmas eve especially is extremely rough for me. it’s not christmas or the holidays’ fault necessarily, but it’s because one of my parents passed away unexpectedly. so uh not a good memory to put it lightly. i only turned 18 that time, but as the oldest kid, i was already expected to “stay strong” and be the second parent. i felt the overbearing pressure because my family is not really in a “privileged” enough position to even be given the time to grieve + i was in the middle of starting uni so fuck that LMAO.

(something something that’s prob why i relate to jamil a lot HFJDJS but that’s a topic for another day maybe) (anyways just some. necessary??? background context i suppose.)

so uh backstory time. i was there for twst en when it came out but stopped and only got reintroduced to it last year because of an irl friend. i’ve been hooked into it for months BEFORE i started posting at the beginning of this year.

(shoutout yuuna for being my first yuu and shoutout yuusha for taking over my blog, she was never meant to be dragged out of the basement).

i thought this tumblr thing was just gonna be a way for me to distract myself from grief and pressure and the constant thoughts of ending it all. i NEVER would have imagined that i’d be part of community.

i really thought i’d just post art and leave and that’s it. i never thought i’d have people encouraging my creative fixations. i never thought i’d start talking to people. i never thought i’d genuinely make new close friends online. i never thought i’d have impact(???) on people.

i’ve always wanted this blog to just be a fun time where i don’t have to take anything seriously without any pressure. (i’ve definitely gotten more comfy posting whatever and that really feels more freeing).

i never expected to make so many connections because genuinely i only interact without expecting anything back. and the fact people even reciprocated is SUCH a genuine surprise for me. all my experiences thus far is so unbelievable to me even to this day still.

from the bottom of my heart i am trying my best to be a good person, because i don’t think i am. which is why i try to be as kind to myself the way i refer to myself and my work, and that i try to uplift others whenever i can and make sure whatever they do or make will be worth it. i know this sounds so vain of me but if it helps people out and it makes me feel better, i think that’s enough.

also it honestly feels so dumb to realize and admit that technically-speaking, if it weren’t for twst and the following experiences it brought me, i wouldnt be alive rn hdhdj

so to the people who told me i’ve made their days a little brighter. to the people that told me that i’m one of their reasons for getting the courage to start posting/putting themselves out there. to the people who are just so kind and funny to me. and to the people in general who just decided that i’m worth it.

happy holidays!! i love you all, and thank you for being a part of my life no matter who you are 💜💝

[laniemae]

Every chapter I do a thing where I write down all of the students and my thoughts on who I thinks gonna die and stuff so here’s mine for chapter 3

Tetro Fridays just so soon and we’re up in the air for a murder at any time

Isono: rip

Harada: rip

Chiba: rip

Kamimura: Kamimura’s a hard one as I can see a lot of possibilities for him dying and not at the same time. This chapter he’s gotten a lot of development with Hasegawa and we’ve learnt more about his backstory, especially the confession game secret in woodshop. This floor has opened up the chemistry lab which kamimura instantly took a liking to and noticed how lots of the chemicals could be used for investigations. So it’d be tragic if kamimura dies as then everyone would be more in the dark on how to investigate stuff maybe. And kamimura has been heavily impacted by the cold motive and is suffering a lot. Although on the other hand he’s been hanging out with hasegawa a lot which could give him a higher survival chance if he’s with someone, idk. I just have a hunch one of the yaoi boys is dying this chapter and I honestly have no clue.

Hayashi: honestly I don’t think she’s gonna die. Would kinda feel weird imo right after the whole incident happened with her getting teleported to the lab and coming back severely injured. She’s definitely in a very weak state right now and would be hard to fight back if anyone tries to attack her. But she’s residing in the medbay with yanagi right now which could make odds better for her. But we don’t know when hayashi will get better and if that happens before a murder. And even what her testimony is on what happened to her in the lab, if she even remembers.

Wada: Wada’s an interesting one as he’s had a lot of plot significance this chapter which instantly puts him in the firing line for a death. At the beginning he helped Hama through his grief and throughout the chapter we’ve seen a lot of development on his relationship with Tsuno. We’ve also learned a lot more about his EDs and I feel like there could be enoigh info we already have on Wada to be a conclusion to his character but idk. There’s also the whole thing with Okazaki which after constantly bringing hurt by her and now physically he’s definitely beginning to spiral. And Hiroaki adding salt on the wound as well. Currently only Ojima and probably Yanagi know about what happened between him and Okazaki and I could imagine them taking care of him but I’m not sure. To be fair if Wada dies this chapter I think he’d more likely be a killer as I think it’d be interesting if he’s been victimised so much his character ends up twisting and he becomes the perpetrator for once.

Sasaki: rip

Ojima: oh no Ojima time. He’s a weird one as compared to previous chapters he hasn’t gotten as much to do but he has showed up still quite a few times, mainly in the background of scenes, and his two major scenes being kicking monomoko and figuring out what happened to wada. Usually I’d have a hunch that characters who get less to do in a chapter are more likely to live but I’m not sure on this case. Last chapter I suggested that Ojima had more of a chance of living then because we didn’t know about the heir thing, but now we do have more information on that so we could know enough to wrap up his character. Even if we’re still more in the dark about his daydreaming specifically. There’s also the fight with Hiroaki that occurred which people considered a major death flag for the two of them. Cuz normally in stories it’s a thing where two characters have a fight and one of them dies before they can reconcile but tetro definitely isn’t the series to pull a trope like that. And we already got something similar with Hama and Chiba (even if they reconciled before she died) although I wouldn’t say that’d make an Ojima death less likely only from that. And in the story, he’s probably gonna be separated from Hiroaki for a while now which could make him an easier target for murder. But he’s also hanging around Wada helping him after finding out how Okazaki hurt him but I’m not sure. Personally I could see the Hiroaki/Ojima fight leading to big developments for both of their characters but after what happened with Chiba saying a character has an arc to go through does not exuse them from death.

Okazaki: Okazaki has had a lot of important roles this chapter especially with her preying on Wada. Kinda the opposite of Ojima where she hasn’t had too much episodes but has had a lot of major scenes. It’s hard to predict where her character will go but I don’t think she’s dying this chapter. Although to be fair this is mainly going off of the “I don’t think they’d kill off the wild card character in the middle of the story” which tetro could definitely subvert. Tsuno has been hot on her trial after what she has done to Wada but I don’t feel something like that would lead to murder. Okazaki’s just really hard to predict.

Hama: we actually haven’t seen too much of him suprisingly after losing Chiba and Harada. And he hasn’t had too much screen time or major things to do so just from that I’m pretty confident he won’t die. Honestly I don’t have too much to say on him here.

Tsuno: Like chapter 1 lots of people have suspected Tsuno to die this chapter, which I can see, but am not too sure? Everyone’s pointing back to finality where we see her subtly break down talking about how she believes she’s gonna be the next to go but still doesn’t wanna die. And she’s had a lot of importance this chapter with how she finally reached her breaking point from constant stress over treating all the injured students and currently she’s on more of a break from medical duties specifically. But Okazaki has been heavily antagonising her by hurting wada, almost like she wants her to break. I feel if she’s gonna die as well she’d probably be more likely as a killer than a victim. But it feels weird with how people are thinking she’s gonna die to motivate Wada again but I definitely doubt tetro would kill off a character only to push forward the arc of another. So in my eyes it feels like either Tsuno or Wada are gonna die, but I’m not sure.

Hiroaki: a lot of points I bought up with Ojima also apply to Hiroaki here, specifically that around their fight. But in his case Hiroaki is more alone than Ojima at the moment and a fight like this would’ve deeply impacted him mentally as how he’s so attached to him. Especially in finality Hiroaki is definitely being implied to be going through suicidal ideation again now. But unlike last time where he had Ojima to comfort him he feels as if he’s alone and everyone hates him. Which I could imagine leading to Hiroaki trying something drastic or just giving up, whatever that may imply. We have gotten quite a few important scenes with him this chapter, helping Hama cope with his loss, learning about his neglectful parents, his friendship with Tsuno, and him coming out as gay. Don’t know if this is a weird point but I kinda feel like it’d be an… interesting decision… for him to die right after coming out as gay but honestly I can’t judge from that. Hiroaki is another character I think would be more likely to die but it’s very hard to tell. I can definitely see him having a big arc after the fight with Ojima but again we can’t judge based off arcs anymore.

Tamba: Tamba as well is a character who we haven’t gotten as much screen time or scenes this chapter so it gives me a feeling that she’s also less likely to die. The more development she’s got with hayashi is interesting though, but I don’t know what that says in particular.

Hasegawa: Hasegawa is a character who we’ve seen more thoroughly developed in this chapter and especially more scenes with his relationship with Kamimura. One thing that’s very interesting to take note of is how at this point he would’ve ran out of his Paxil which would lead to very severe withdrawal symptoms and his anxiety spiking up. From this alone I could think that he would survive this chapter so we’ll be able to see how he goes through with this in chapter 4 but idk, it’s tetro. I feel like either Hasegawa or Kamimura dying would be interesting in a way how they’ve been very close together in this chapter so maybe? Hasegawa’s an odd one as well because I can see lots of the reasons why he could die this chapter but the other side where I find it hard to see so.

Watari: Watari has definitely gotten some more development over this chapter but I don’t really see her dying too much. Especially at the beginning of the chapter shes almost playing a leader role like sasaki but is being way less adamant about it and her self proclaimed school headmaster role is more of a funny bit that we still see manage to bring the group together more. Her friendship with Okazaki is interesting and it’ll be especially interesting to think of when she finds out the full extent of what she has done. And in general I feel we still have a lot more to learn about Watari so I wouldn’t say this is at a point in the story where it would feel like a conclusion to her character.

Yanagi: ok this may be a hot take but I can definitely see Yanagi dying this chapter. To explain somewhat we’ve gotten quite a lot of central moments with yanagi here. Being the medical intern, the host of the restaurant and furthering his relationship with hayashi. He’s been in some hot water after all he did last chapter so it would be devastating to see him trying to made amends for what he did only to die and get cut short. And with being tsuno’s medical intern if he dies that’d leave a lot of the work back to her. We’ve learned a lot about Yanagi so I feel like it could make sense for a conclusion to his character here.

[imabeautifulbutterfly]

The Gym Membership - Part 39 (Crosshair)

Summary: Layla takes time to talk to Avery

A/N: Hello Lovelies,

I apologize for not posting last week, I was slightly injured. My loving brother decided to toss me into the pool when I least expected it, but I ended hitting the bottom of the pool with my heel. Caused me a lot of pain. Anyway, good thing is that nothing is broke.

As promised here are two chapters this week. Enjoy.

Love oo

Warnings: Talking out loud to a grave, grief, guilt, cussing, promises. I think that's it, if I miss any warnings, please let me know.

AO3 Link   |   Words: 1,176   |   PREVIOUS - -> NEXT

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Layla took a sip of her coffee, as she sat on the blanket Avery gave her as a gift before her sister left for her last deployment. It was almost a month since she had been able to visit Avery’s grave, every time she thought she’d be able to make it, one of her clients ended up calling with an emergency. She missed having their chats, well her one-sided chats. 

“… anyway Avery that’s how we ended up celebrating the eighteenth. Don’t get me wrong, despite the drama from that idiot Rob, we all had a really fun time. You would’ve totally loved how tipsy Mel got. She was all over Wrecker, her husband. I’ve mentioned them before. Oh and I met Crosshair’s cousin, Howzer. He was … oh well he was definitely interesting.” 

I sat with my back against her headstone. 

“Can’t believe it’s already been almost four weeks since then.” 

I let out a sigh, focusing on the cloudy sky above, somehow the gloominess reminded me of Crosshair.

“I can see why you and Crosshair found each other by the way. He’s quite talented, he really put on a show at axe throwing. I think if I met him when you were intending to introduce us, I could’ve possibly gotten on board for you two. I mean you’re both stubborn, really good with weapons, know how to captivate an audience. I mean, I’m sure there was more to it than just that, but ... I get it.” 

My hand brushed over the grass by my side, as I reflected on Cross and his family, a small smile breaking on my lips. 

“His whole family is really sweet. You would’ve loved them and I have no doubt they would’ve loved you. They’ve already taken me in as one of them, and I have to say it … it’s kind of nice, and weird. It’s been so long since I’ve had people care about me … about us. They’re constantly wanting to know more about you, wanting to hear stories about you, wanting to get to know me too, it’s … truthfully, it’s a little overwhelming having so many people care, after it just being you and me for so long. I mean, there’s not a day that goes by that my phone isn’t pinging with a message from one of them. You would’ve gotten along really well with them.”

For some reason, as my eyes focused on one particular cloud, I could feel my insecurities arising within me, “Then again, people always liked you more than me. It’s the lawyer in me, I guess. Maybe. Or it’s just … maybe like you said in our last conversation, maybe I am a stuck-up bitch at times.”

Tears began to prick my eyes, as I thought back to our last conversation, “I miss you. You always were the brave one. Always going after what you wanted. You always gave me the courage I needed.”

My eyes focused on the picture on my cell phone, Avery and me taking a selfie one night after we’d been dancing up a storm. Laughing it up. Living. It made me chuckle remembering that night.

“Oh!” I wiped the tears, “You won’t believe who reached out to me, Dan. I’m sure you remember my scumbag cheating ex-boyfriend. He wanted to get in touch since he was back in town. Can you believe that? Like I would spend any time with him. I remember the first time you called it, it was after I think our second or third date, you told me you didn’t like him. Told me he was a piece of crap and I should find someone better. Man, if only I’d listened to you, I could’ve saved myself fifteen months of heartaches.”

I closed my eyes for a little bit, missing the insults she would’ve hurled regarding Dan if she’d been here by my side.

“Do you remember when we were kids, and we would talk about what we’d be in the future? Where would we be when we were older? No matter what we thought, we always imagined we’d be by each other’s side, but now … now I’m all alone. You’re gone. Mom and dad are gone. There’s no one left.” My voice trails off as I feel a heavy weight on my chest. 

Nearly twenty minutes passed, as I sat there watching the clouds go by, thinking back to the night at Battle Axe. Imagining how different it might have been if Avery was alive, no doubt she’d have been three sheets to the wind as well, definitely making comments just like Mel and Zai had been about their own man. A tinge of guilt crawled its way up the back of her throat. 

“You would’ve really gotten along with Mel, Zai and Sofie. They’re your kind of people, I mean technically they were your sisters-in-law or sister-in-laws, or would that be sisters-in-laws? Anyway, it doesn’t matter. But, they mentioned something … well they mentioned a lot of things, most of it was clouded by their intoxication and not necessarily because they really meant what they said, but one thing that did stand out and I do believe I should try my very best is getting to know Crosshair better. We didn’t exactly get off on the right foot. I was a bitch to him, for lack of a better word. I blamed him for what happened to you, which wasn’t fair or right. Then I ignored his pain and focused on only what I lost. I know if you were alive you would’ve been disappointed in me, not to mention, you’d probably yell at me and then some, but somehow I just couldn’t see what he was going through, not until … not until the day we lost you.”

My breath hitched, as I felt the tears coming again, I shook my head as I wiped away a tear.

“Avery, what do I do? How do I make up for all the hurt I caused?” I sat there pondering for a while, “I don’t know how to make it up to him, but he’s … he’s a really good guy. So different from all the men I’ve … we’ve known before. Kind yet grumpy. Attentive yet prickly. Despite his cold exterior he has such a soft heart. I know you made him promise, he’d look after me, if you weren’t here and … despite everything I put him through, despite the sheer pain he went through losing you, he’s … he’s actually looking after me. He had every reason to walk away, to give up on his promise to you and he didn’t. He’s … he’s special.” I wiped the tears that were trailing down my cheek, “What am I going to do without you? You were always making sure I was safe, even during the war, you were always taking care of me. Calling, making sure I was safe, and alright … I owe you so much. Avery, I promise I’ll look after him for you. He deserves to have someone look after him.”

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[conquerthenight]

Danvich cuddling fluff ‼️ (i need to cure my sadness inmediatly)

Not me using this as an excuse to write an AU where Rebecca actually did kill herself.

TW: Discussion of suicide

“I watched her do it”

Ileana hadn’t guessed that Mrs. Danvers would refer to Rebecca’s suicide so openly. She had always thought the housekeeper to be a rather private person, just as Maxim was, even whilst she was currently being shown around Rebecca’s room, which she had quickly learned to be Mrs. Danvers’ sanctuary for the last year. Maybe it was just something about the room, being in such close proximity to Rebecca’s things, that had caused her to open up. The only thing Ileana could think to do was to comfort the older woman, offer her condolences. “I’m so sorry, I had no idea”

Mrs. Danvers acknowledged her with a very slight nod of the head, turning away from Ileana so as not to allow her pained expression to be seen for longer than a moment. “I saw her slip something into her tea. I tried to stop her, but she told me she’d rather die on her own terms and then…” She didn’t finish the sentence, and Ileana knew she didn’t need to.

Ileana watched as the normally stoic and stern woman vigorously wiped away her tears. She immediately approached and wrapped her arms around Mrs. Danvers. “It’s alright, you don’t have to say anything more” She hoped this would soothe her a little.

To her surprise, Mrs. Danvers returned the hug. “Thank you, madam” Her voice wavered as she attempted to retain her composure.

“Why don’t you sit down for a while? I could leave you alone if you like” Ileana offered, gesturing towards the bed.

Mrs. Danvers immediately gripped her hand. “No, I’d rather you stay” Her tone was quite insistent, almost back to her usual commanding self, though there was a softness to it that Ileana had not expected when directed towards her.

Ileana did indeed stay, taking a seat next to the housekeeper at the edge of the bed, all the while the latter didn’t let go of her hand. Neither woman spoke for a few moments, but Ileana was glad to notice that Mrs. Danvers was beginning to feel better. “I hadn’t expected you to confide in me of all people, but I’m glad you did” She broke the silence.

“Neither did I” Mrs. Danvers trailed off for a moment, and after a brief pause, she laughed just the slightest bit. “I wanted to hate you when you arrived at Manderley. Turns out you’ve made that an impossible task”

Ileana didn’t know whether it was the vulnerability of the moment or something else entirely, but the fact that Mrs. Danvers was continuing to share confidences with her made her smile. She squeezed the other woman’s hand. “This is rather silly to admit, but I was afraid of you for a while” A laugh of her own escaped her. How could she have been afraid of Mrs. Danvers when the woman had merely been lost in grief the entire time they’d known one another?

“You and half of the maids, madam” Ileana was stunned by the housekeeper’s lighthearted remark. She hadn’t taken Mrs. Danvers for one to make jokes at all. In any other scenario, being compared to the maids may have been a slight, just as it had been when Ileana had gone with Clarice to visit the latter’s mother, just as it had been when Maxim had asked why she hadn’t just gotten ahold of Mrs. Danvers after breaking the cupid, but this was clearly not intended to hurt.

Mrs. Danvers continued after a moment when it was clear Ileana would not reply. “Though I must ask you, madam, are you still afraid of me?”

TIleana shook her head, and just to show that she wasn’t, she inched a little closer to Mrs. Danvers, putting an arm around her waist as they continued to sit side by side. “Not at all” She smiled once more as the other woman leaned into the touch. “Are you feeling better now?”

“Yes, madam” A ghost of a smile formed on Mrs. Danvers’ lips.

“Good” Ileana replied, her eyes locking with her companion’s. They seemed to come to an unspoken understanding in that moment, for Mrs. Danvers wrapped her arm around Ileana’s shoulders. The two women remained cuddling just so for quite some time. Very few words were spoken, but for once the silence was not the least bit awkward.

Mrs. Danvers stood after a while, leaving Ileana a little disappointed. “I’d best take my leave, madam. Mrs. Rutherford will be needing me soon to oversee the dinner preparations” She said.

“Very well” Ileana sighed. “But if you need me, you know where to find me” She offered this last reassurance.

Mrs. Danvers nodded. “Yes, of course” She replied, turning to leave the room.

Ileana stopped her, not wanting her to leave just yet. “Oh, and Mrs. Danvers…” She paused, wanting to come up with some excuse to keep her there a little longer, and ended up saying the first thing that came to her mind. “I…never liked orchids. Would you be so kind as to get rid of the pots in the morning room?”

Mrs. Danvers stifled a laugh, her slight smile becoming more prominent. Ileana hoped to see more of that smile sooner rather than later.

“As you wish, madam”

[pearblossommina]

ToG Read-a-Long, Crown of Midnight, Day 7

45

Kaltain got taken away, and married to the duke, I’ll miss you baby, I hope you and he work out. At least you can see the sky again. I’m not sure what Celaena is implying by drawing a connection between Roland, Cain, and Kaltain, does she think that King Whatever plopped portions of Wyrdkeys into them? Or… what?

And is the Ah! Time’s Rift! Riddle actually an anagram?!? I TRIED SO HARD to decode it, lol, but I’m pretty bad at anagrams. It just seemed like the kind of sentence that was rearranged to make an anagram, though.

Here, lemme try again

“The fair mist” or maybe “the first aim”

I am

So bad at this

46

Oh my god 😂

You could hide something forever from me by giving me an anagram, I feel like I NEVER would have gotten that

BUT that poem also spelled it out, Celaena. We knew it was in the tomb. The king knew. The door knew. Everybody knew. Lol.

So Dorian is only magical because his dad made it so that he would be… that was a surprisingly thoughtful thing for Dorian’s dad to do. And kinda out of character, honestly, but maybe he’s hoping that Dorian will follow in his evil footsteps.

I like that the ghost of King Gavin is like wake up boy go stop Celaena she’s all mad with grief

47

Oh my God 😭

I never thought I’d see you again, Nehemia!

Can you kiss

Can you hold hands

Just one last time!

“I knew what my fate was to be and I embraced it. I ran toward it.”

Girl. You died so violently, lol. How. How could you run toward THAT end.

Hello Archer, wow, that’s really random, I wasn’t expecting to see YOU here…

48

Um!

This fucking guy was the murderer all along! Archer how could you! I liked you!

Dorian and Chaol to the rescue

Best friends

It seems like they’re making up at last

49

INTENSE INTENSITY

HOLY SHIT

FLEETFOOT

CHAOL

whaaaa, that reveal tho

Was she fae this whole time? How did she disguise herself? How did she get to the human realm? Is she trapped there, since there’s no magic? Or did stepping through the portal cause her to transform kinda like being dunked into a cauldron?

(Is the faerie realm just the human realm, or are they separate realms?)

(Glancing at the map)

(Guys I’m excited)

(I’d much rather read about fae and faeries, I was under the impression these books were about fae and faeries and was so shocked when I started reading and was like huh???)

(Anyway. FINALLY! this is such a thrill)

(I DO NOT WANT TO STOP READING)

(That dog better be ok or my sanity is going to crumble)

That was quite a fun ride!

I feel like it’s impossible to stop reading right now especially with how it feels like there’s hardly any book left.

No promises that I won’t just read the rest right now

(I’m gonna go eat lunch first)

(The end of SJM books are always very intense and entertaining and hard to put down)

[rising-angelx]

˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆ catching up: a selection of memories. solo in chicago, again.

tw for mentions of abandonment, depression, anxiety, and depiction of a panic attack

୨୧

deciding to spend the first half of her break back in chicago was a decision made somewhat impulsively. her first run in her former city had been a mess of ups and downs for her, but she had hoped that with time to relax instead of running around with practice and performances and a legion of managers and security, she would actually be able to enjoy her time. not to mention, one of her closest childhood friends had just returned from a long-haul work trip in shanghai, and she could not miss the opportunity to see her again.

hannah oh, or as dahye knew her better as, hyunin, was practically the only friend she had outside of her ragtag group of musically inclined friends. she was the youngest daughter of the only other korean family in her building, and her first friend in america. she had helped her learn english outside of school and acclimate to the brand new world she never asked to suddenly belong to. dahye had tried to keep up with her friend after she left, and occasionally got to see her when she was in korea, visiting family or handling business, but it had been a few years since she had last seen her. now, she sprawled across her plush couch in the brand new high rise she had taken up residence in, sipping on a sweet moscato probably fresh from some fancy california vineyard, catching up on lost time. 

their cheeks had already begun to heat to a soft pink, a couple of glasses already passing through their hands over laughs and light stories. angel had been in the middle of one about making an embarrassing mess out of herself at the last company party on valentine’s day.

“y’know, i was crying about my family and like… all the ways i’d been wronged by love, all that dramatic stuff. i almost…” she paused, remembering the main cause of her drunken grief that night being a past relationship her friend knew about well. “my friend, you remember danbi, she told me she found me when i was uh,” she sighed, hanging her head slightly with a bout of shame hitting her system. “i was trying to hunt down malachi. make him apologize for leaving.”

hannah’s eyes widened in realization, a hand flying to her lips in a gasp. “i heard you’re working with him now! oh god, i remember the day after he left like it was yesterday,” she sighed, recalling the phone call she had gotten from angel, only hearing broken sobs on the other end when she picked up.

dahye took a slow sip of her wine, rolling her shoulders out as if the memory was a fight she was preparing for. maybe it was. “yeah,” she sighed. “me too.”

୨୧

that week in 2013 was a warm spot as the colder months began to come to an end. angel remembered the day before, her band making plans to skip their last class at school and head to some spot by the river someone had found before going to ahmed’s to rehearse. they had a gig coming up in some dingey bar they had booked once before and wanted to be invited back again. she didn’t remember anything off about that day, about the way kai acted or spoke to her. to any of them. she never would have guessed that it would be the last day of her life as she knew it. 

she didn’t notice anything odd until the next morning when she woke up to no new messages from her boyfriend. he had always stayed up much later than her, and she would often wake up to some of his 2 am thoughts. it didn’t really bother her, figuring he had actually allowed himself to fall asleep at a decent time the night before. it didn’t really bother her when she didn’t see him at school either, his truancy record definitely not spotless. none of the small things started to bother her until she saw ahmed in the hall, a sad looking scowl on his face. he didn’t even seem to notice her as he passed, a stark contrast to the way he would gleefully yell her name down the hall with a larger than life wave the moment he saw her head bobbing in the crowd of kids. 

that’s when the anxiety began to slowly eat at her insides. one thought disturbed her brain, distracting her from the entire rest of the school day. where was malachi? 

the next thing she remembered was at the meeting spot by the river. she didn’t remember the likely anxious journey there, oddly lacking kai, or even arriving. she only remembered the unusual quiet that sat amongst her friends, downcast looks across all of their faces. she remembered asking, “where’s kai?” she remembered the way her heart plummeted when someone said “he’s gone,” death coming to mind before the idea of malachi willingly leaving her without a single word. she hardly remembered the careful voice of felix explaining the situation, only a few words standing out in her memory. kai. left. for korea. with daniel. what angel did distinctly remember was all five agonizing stages of grief. 

denial. “he wouldn’t do that. he would never leave without saying could by. he wouldn’t leave me.” refusing to believe it in any way her friends tried to explain it to her. “he told me he wasn’t going to go with them, why would he lie to me?” refusing to believe her boyfriend, the undeniable love of her life, would up and leave her for the empty promises of some recruiter from the other side of the globe. most of all without saying anything.

anger. “how could you let him do that?” she remembered the hurt look on ahmad’s face when she shoved him, and the strange gratification she got from it. “how could you let him leave? just walk out of our lives like we’re nothing?” she remembered the way she blamed daniel, the friend who had left before kai, to follow his dream the very same way. “he convinced him, didn’t he? to go? i knew daniel was a fucking rat, he left us first.” most of all, she remembered the anger he felt at the very source of loss. “why would he do this to me? how the fuck could he leave me? how could he lie to me and tell me he loved me and disappear without a fucking word?”

bargaining. “did i do something? did he just never want to see me anymore? can i fix it?” she remembered the way her mother held her in her lap, allowing the tears to soak her shirt as she gently pet her hair. at the time, the woman would have done anything to console her daughter, her own heart breaking seeing her in such pain. but really, there was nothing to be done but be there for her. angel remembered her aunt’s opinion on the matter clearly. “it wasn’t your fault, darling. surely he realized you were far too good for him in the first place. the only thing he knew how to do was run.” it was harsh and it hurt her heart to hear such things about someone she held so dear. but at times when she would have cursed his name to all powers earthly or not, it helped. it helped to put the blame on someone else’s shoulders.

depression. the worst of it. when the school year finally ended and she had no reason to force herself out of bed in the morning. she didn’t remember any of it. days melted into each other and she was sure now that everyone near to her was worried sick, but at the time she couldn’t have brought herself to care. kai was gone. her reason, her future. the depression was the hardest to escape.

acceptance. the most ambiguous of all. she didn’t know when acceptance set in. maybe it was when she could get out of bed of her own accord. maybe it was when she could look at her guitar without tears tugging at her eyes. maybe it was when she started seeing her friends again. maybe it was falling down the same path he had taken. she wasn’t sure if it had ever even set in at all. 

୨୧

“what was it like seeing him again?” her friend asked, peeking at her over the rim of her wine glass as she took another sip.

heartstopping. 

୨୧

tidal had been at some music show or another, promoting another comeback. she couldn’t remember the details. but in the back halls of the production, among all the bustle of stylists and managers and producers and idols big and small, she saw him. the group had just gotten off stage and it was just for a moment. she wasn’t even sure it was him at first, but there was no mistaking the angled jawline and pointed nose. he didn’t even see her, as far as she knew, but it was enough. enough to freeze the air in her lungs, her heart feeling like it was nearly going to burst. it had been three years since she had last seen him, but the wound still felt as jagged and fresh as ever, tearing her apart from the inside. she could feel her body shaking as she tried to catch her breath, but she could barely force any air into her lungs. her vision started fuzzing around the edges, the world spinning much too fast for her liking. she stumbled into the first empty dressing room she could find, clutching her head, her chest. the outfit she was wearing was far too tight, her hands clawing at the choker that she had admired in the mirror earlier but she was sure in the moment that if she couldn’t get it off she would die in it, right there on the floor, backstage at musicbank or wherever the hell they were. 

angel had known it would happen eventually. they were a part of the same small world once again. in fact, there were times she’d hoped she would see him again. sometimes she imagined a soft reunion, warm embraces and maybe a few tears. maybe a few kisses. other times she imagined herself walking right up to him and socking him in the face, career-ending scandal be damned. what she never imagined was spiraling into a state of panic at one glimpse of him from across a busy room. 

she wasn’t sure how long it took to calm down, for her chest to rise and fall at a relatively normal rate again. it was dae who found her, curled up on the green room couch with her head buried in her hands, cheeks streaked with melted makeup and tears she hadn’t even realized had fallen. it felt ironic, looking back at it. but at the time it was just her leader and friend, taking care of her at such a low moment. 

angel hadn’t thought about that day in such a long time. she couldn’t even remember what she had told her worry-stricken bandmates as to why she had gone m.i.a, returning shaking and tear soaked, but she knew it wasn’t the truth. 

୨୧

“kind of horrible,” she elicited a laugh alongside the understatement of the year. “just really jarring, y’know? it had been like, i dunno, 3, 4 years? but seeing him felt like he had left me all over again. it sucked,” she sighed, swirling the sweet red liquid around her glass.

hyunin nodded in understanding. she had been through her fair share of heartbreaks, but she knew the way kai had shattered dahye’s couldn’t compare. “how is it now though? like, do you see him a lot?”

“well… its really complicated.” she set her glass down, adjusting her legs tucked underneath her. “at first, when our companies merged, i avoided him like the plague,” she laughed at the notion, almost as literal as it sounded. “but we have the same friends, we had to work it out eventually. it was just this thing festering and it wasn’t…” her voice faded, her thoughts dissolving into a deep sigh. “plus,” she raised her eyebrows, awaiting the reaction her friend would have to the following news, “he’s with my group’s leader now. dae.”

hannah’s jaw dropped, making angel laugh at the comical expression. “no!” she cried, clutching angel’s hand in the dramatics of it all.

“yes!” the guitarist nodded. “i want to be happy for them, of course, but it just makes me feel so… watching them… its like some fucked mirror of what could’ve been, right?”

“100 percent,” her friend agreed, patting her leg in comfort and support. “does she even know? about how you two were?”

“i mean, i haven’t told her. so, i can’t blame her. as much as my heart wants to sometimes, it's not right.”

“but you’re over him.”

“the way we were… so dependent on each other like that. so… well, i would say, in love. and the way it ended with so little closure after a whole… fucking decade. i don’t think there is any being over him. i don’t have those feelings for him anymore, and i know there’s no future there, but his presence just lights me on fire. i can’t stand next to him without thinking about all of the could’ve should’ve would’ves between us.” she had never spoke so honestly about this before. she could feel her words beginning to stick painfully to her throat, but she fought to get them out. she needed them to finally be aired.

hyunin listened carefully, nodding along. “speaking honestly, hye-ya,” she began, holding her hand between hers once more. “i think what you two had was a little unhealthy, the way you clung to each other… but the past is the past, right? i really hope you work it out,” her eyes held her genuinity, carefully attempting to convey the words straight from her heart. “back then, i never thought i would ever see two people so connected. but i know you can start over.”

a start over. that mythical desire of everyone hurt by the past. would it ever find her?

[subaerial-dweller]

I also think it’s weird, especially because I had almost ramped myself up to find specific reactions of certain people to Natalie’s funeral, and now I’m just going to be looking for them later in the season because it doesn’t make sense that they’re absent.

Especially with Van, I was expecting some kind of acknowledgment of Nat’s death as a “well shit that’s going to be me in a short matter of time”. Like some kind of close-up shot, a weird expression, anything. Even if it’s not personally, because they didn’t see each other forever and barely interacted at Lottie’s compound, but just some thing of mourning in a way larger than herself.

I think Yellowjackets struggles a bit because of the massive time skips it employs between seasons. Like it’s been 6 weeks in the adult timeline, maybe most of the team (except Misty she’s in the trenches) have gotten over the worst of their grief? So no one gives a shit anymore by the time the memorial rolls around? I don’t know. I am hoping to see more in the way of grief/acknowledgement of Nat from the others in the rest of the season, so far it can be hard to judge because there’s only two episodes out.

This is kind of separate but your point about them being “numb” to death makes absolute sense. They’ve encountered so much of it at this point, who’s counting when another one bites the dust? (that was mean, RIP Nat) But I’d think from the adults, especially with Nat’s suggested role in their survival and rescue, that this crazy unique dependent bond between those survivors would carry through and they’d feel something, anything. But on the other hand, Nat was really the only one reacting to Travis’s death in the expected way, so maybe it’s customary that the Yellowjackets kind of take a step back whenever one of their own dies and lets the person closest to the dead one grieve most publicly. Like Lottie with Laura Lee, Tai when she thought Van was dead, Travis with Javi, Shauna with Jackie. And now they’re letting Misty take the reins there, because a group in mourning does nothing for survival, so better let the one person take the bulk of the grief for the good of the group. This could also lead in with the theory that the Antler Queen is a ceremonious, switching position, and whoever is closest with the sacrifice steps into that chief role, carrying that burden while directing the others in the semi-respectful ceremony of cannibalism they perform every time. So maybe it’s just the rest of the team’s fucked-up way of saying “Misty, you’re the closest to her here, you do your thing” so they don’t even try to interfere with whatever depressive activities Misty has been up to in the past 6 weeks.

I don’t know. You make a lot of very valid points and I think we’re just going to have to watch for the rest of the season, see if any meaningful display of mourning crops up in the rest of the team! Also, I’m sorry for hijacking your post with my essay, I didn’t expect I’d have this much to say on the subject.

SPOLIERS FOR YELLOWJACKETS SEASON 3

is it just me who finds it a BIT weird how every other girl (other than misty) reacted to nats death??? like ur telling me 3 of them hardly acknowledge it and lottie, who spent a week getting to know nat again, only sees it as an accident and unfortunate??? obv everyone handles grief differently, and im sure all the yellowjackets are far used to death from what they went through, it just seems a tad bit odd the only conversation they had after her funeral was about what THEIR funeral would look like. like come on. not even a comment about the eulogy???

again, maybe they really are just numb to this sort of thing and misty only reacted because of how close they were. of course, misty and nat defitnitly have a different relationship to probably any of the yellowjackets, which i will certainly be making a post on later..... but all the others are yellowjackets too. yet they seem to be too caught up in their own lives to even notice???

ive also noticed this with other characters deaths, like with laura lees for example, and how only lottie seemed to truly care. again, for obvious reasons, but its a pretty big possibilty that they wouldn't have even toasted to laura lee if it wasnt for lottie. and this was at a time where they werent even numbed by death yet.

maybe this is incoherent idk!!!! but just errr what i've been thinking about!!

[evita-shelby]

Incantatrice

Chapter 11

Cw: inappropriate drug and alcohol use, miscarriage and grief

Taglist: @zablife @thegreatdragonfruta @wandawiccan60 @babayaga67

The Eva that left New York is different from the Eva who comes back from Italy.

For one, Eva comes back officially pregnant and happier than she left.

She loves waking up beside him, to feel him there with her, to hear his heart under his chest.

To know she is not alone anymore is the greatest thing of all.

Audrey and Vincente have left and she is relieved. Even more so when learns Audrey has not told anyone about her episode before the wedding.

“Mm, why do you, why do want to know why that bitch talked to me about you, Evuccia?” he asks drunk on cheap wine and high on the cocaine she used as an anesthetic to patch him up.

Luca had gotten cut up badly and the doctor who normally did this was unavailable. Eva had developed a talent for these things and provided her the opportunity to get him to talk.

He avoided giving her a real answer when he was sober, no matter how she tried to get it out of him.

“Just curious.” She lied as she bandaged his torso with great care.

“She said you were bad luck; told her I’d be the judge of that.” He said with a smirk.

Maybe you will be proven wrong, the witch thought.

“I love you, in good luck and bad luck, Evuccia.” He said high and drunk and trying to kiss her.

“Tell me that tomorrow when you’re sober, Lucito.”

----

It is two months later when the chill of death returns.

“I love you,” Luca had kissed her goodbye after breakfast and then the cold and evil wind sets in her bones like a bitter winter.

Eva stops by the wooden ships that remind her of the one she had as a little girl when the chill sets in her bones and before she knows it, she is bleeding on the floor and crying because she knows her baby is dead.

Leonardo Changretta, they had decided on the name this morning as they’d dangled Luca’s wedding band over her belly and saw it was a boy.

He was dead before her body expelled him in the hospital bed after the doctors and midwives tried everything to stop it.

He was dead before she even woke up in an ambulance rushing to the closest hospital.

He was dead before she even had a chance to tell anyone else, she was pregnant.

“I’m cursed.” She weeps into Luca’s shoulder and tells him it’s her fault that their baby is dead.

“You’re not, these things, these things happen to everyone, Evuccia.” He said being strong for the both of them and holding her until she feels like she has run out of tears.

Eva had thought her tears gone, when she buried Gabriel in Chihuahua in 1916 and her eyes simply refused to cry as she walked into the desert with the intention of dying.

Now, she feels like she might drown in her agony.

“There will be others.” He kissed the top of her head.

But never Leonardo, never the baby boy with olive skin and laughing green eyes and Luca’s smile.

She comes home the next day, but she is not the same woman he left after breakfast yesterday.

Yesterday she had been filled with life and now she is empty.

Yesterday she had seen her little Leo fit in the hand of the midwives as her body expelled him from inside her.

Yesterday she had set out to begin decorating a nursery for the perfect baby boy she’d have.

Eva had already chosen the theme, how she would remodel the room and find a way to get a skilled woodworker to make a toy ship like the one she used to have as a girl.

And now that will never happen.

She could have a thousand little boys with Luca’s eyes and smile, but they will never be Leonardo. She will never be able to hold him or see him grow or hear his first laugh.

Eventually the bleeding stops and her body has seemed to have healed, but her heart hasn’t.

Days turns to months and Eva hates how people want her to try again because somehow that will make it better.

Eva hates the pity and those stupid sayings like God wanted another angel. She hates that women aren’t supposed to even acknowledge their pain because you weren’t supposed to be so attached to something not yet born.

Luca had made it worse by having the housekeeper just lock up the empty nursery so she won’t have to see it.

Easier to move on if you can’t see it.

But that isn’t her way, her way is to be confronted with it, to know it happened and to live with it.

This morning Eva steels herself and goes into the nursery.

It’s empty, with only a few dressers and the half-assembled crib that had arrived that day.

Even in its emptiness it hurt her like knife to her heart. It is plunged deeply into her, something she can never get out of her no matter how much people think she can.

Eva falls to her knees and for the first time in ages, lets herself grieve for the baby that would never be.

“It wasn’t your fault, Evuccia,” she doesn’t hear or feel him come in, its only when he comes and holds her on the dusty rug as she cries that she knows he���s really there. “These accidents happen.”

Eventually it will pass, she knows this, there will be good days and bad ones, but it will pass.

And it does, in 1921 Eva finds herself hopeful and swallows the feeling of doom down with Luca’s wine and tells him she wants to try again.

But the evil chill she felt on her wedding day and that damned day at the shop doesn’t leave even after she gives birth to the perfect son she had dreamed off, it lingers there like a shadow.

A shadow only Audrey sees as she holds baby Leonardo Gabriel Changretta nine months after.

“I pray your curse is satisfied with the dead bambino, strega.” The woman says, gently rocking the baby boy she has claimed as her grandson even if he has not a single drop of her blood. “To lose one child is punishment enough.”

But Eva isn’t hurt by her words.

She sees her boy live and grow into a man, takes after his father, same green eyes, same smile, but none of the blood and violence of Luca.

“Leo is destined to live, Audrey, he will be everything we have dreamed of and more.” Eva said filled with hope and joy as she ignored the shadow only the two women see.

[fruit-of-infidelity]

♱  DIABOLIK LOVERS: Haunted Dark Bridal ー Sakamaki Ryuuto | Maniac 02  ♱

⌜ Scene: Yui’s Balcony ⌟

ー Footsteps approach Yui. ー

Ryuuto: I thought I would find you out here.

Yui: … …

Ryuuto: You have been cooped up in your room for a while now. I must say, I applaud your attempt to conceal yourself away.

If I weren’t a Vampire, the drawn curtains would have fooled me; I never would have thought you were hiding out on your balcony.

Yui: ( Gosh... It’s that person. )

( Since I was bitten, I’ve tried to keep myself away from him at all costs while the wound heals… He really frightened me that night… )

( And… what he said to me. “Love”... )

Ryuuto: …Though, I’m afraid your little rebellious stand ー whatever it was for ー will need to be put on hold for now. It is almost time for school.

Yui: ( I suppose I can’t keep this up forever… )

( School is the one time I get to properly stretch my legs and meet people. )

( For the sake of my own wellbeing, I should try to get past this... )

Alright. I’ll comーー

ー Yui’s stomach suddenly growls. ー

Yui: …!

Ryuuto: Fufu, it seems all this fierce defiance has you working up an appetite, no? I wasn’t lying when I said you’d been in here for a while.

Yui: How long has it been?

Ryuuto: Since noon yesterday; You completely ignored my summons for breakfast.

Yui: It’s been that long!?

( That’s what he came by earlier for? I just covered my ears and pretended to be asleep so he would leave me alone… )

Ryuuto: I hope you don’t intend on wasting any more time tonight before school. So, be sure to change into your uniform soon.

Yui: W-Wait…!

Before we go… Do you think I will have time to have a small meal?

Ryuuto: Oh? Now you have decided to accept my hospitality, have you? After such an impressive display of stubbornness?

Yui: ( Touché. I feel really embarrassed about asking since I completely disregarded his offer for it this morning. )

Uu… How about I make something for the both of us, instead?

Ryuuto: …In that case, I think I have the perfect recipe in mind.

━─┉┈◈ Time Skip ◈┈┉─━

⌜ Scene: Kitchen ⌟

ー Yui places the tray down. ー

Yui: As promised, cinnamon rolls! Ta~daa~!

They’ve turned out pretty good for my first ever attempt, don’t you think?

Ryuuto: Don’t get ahead of yourself. You have yet to taste them.

Yui: Let’s dig in then, while they’re still warm! Bon Appétit!

Ryuuto: Feed me.

Yui: E-Eh…!?

Ryuuto: You’ve already gotten your hands sticky with that roll there. Why make me do the same when you can just feed me, instead?

━─┉┈◈ Selection ◈┈┉─━

　　❈  This is a trick!

Yui: …You think I’d fall for that?

I only made these for you because I’d become the snack otherwise. This is just another reason to bite me again…!

Ryuuto: Good grief, you think I’d stoop as low as that? To deceive you?

I could bite you anytime, and you think I’d choose right now to do so? When you’ve just prepared my favourite food?

Yui: ( He has a point. Maybe I was a little too harsh to suspect him… )

　　❈  Feed each other ⎨❤︎⎬

Yui: …How about you feed me while I feed you〜?

I already went the effort of baking them in the first place, after all. This is the fairest thing to do.

Ryuuto: The fairest thing? Fufu, I’m sparing you another sucking this soon after in exchange for these rolls and you think it’s unfair?

Or are you trying to come onto me again, I wonder?

Yui: …!

( My attempt at teasing him in return backfired on me! )

━━─┉┈┈◈◉◈┈┈┉─━━

Yui: ( Uu… I guess I have no choice. )

ー She picks up a roll. ー

Okay, Ryuuto-san… Say “aaah”.

Ryuuto: … …

Yui: ( He’s closing his eyes in anticipation…! )

Fufu…

( Like this, I can get a better look at his face… He’s actually really handsome. )

ー He suddenly grasps her wrist. ー

Ryuuto: …Heh.

Yui: Wha…!

Ryuuto: You know… I made a promise to myself to hold back on you until your neck had healed from my fangs.

ー Ryuuto pulls her close. ー

However, the scent coming from your wound is almost irresistible.

Yui: St-Stop…!

( This was a ploy for my blood after all! )

( His face! It’s too close! )

Yui: Stay away…!

ー Ryuuto kisses her. ー

Ryuuto: Mmn…

Yui: Aah…!?

( He… kissed me! )

( My first kiss… )

Ryuuto: Fufu. I’m a man of my word, so do relax.

Although, I don’t mind seeing you on edge like this every so often. Perhaps being overly cautious isn’t the worst thing you can do.

ー He takes a bite from the roll. ー

✥ TO BE CONTINUED ✥

─────── ≪ °♛° ≫ ───────

←  [ ✥ Maniac 01 ✥ ] ⎥ [ ✥ Maniac 03 ✥ ]  →

[feanorianethicsdepartment]

Alright, I read your recent post and need to know - what is your interpretation of Maglor’s relationship with the twins?

askjdhslkjag my biggest self-inflicted problem in this fandom is that my take on maglor, elrond, and elros' relationship is so intensely detailed and specific i am forever tormented by none of the fic i read ever quite getting it right (from my perspective; i’ve read plenty of fic that presents a good interpretation on their own terms, it’s just never mine.) it’s simultaneously way darker than the fluffy kidnap dads stuff and nowhere near as black-and-white awful as the anti-fëanorian crowd likes to paint it, it’s messy and complicated and surrounded by darkness, and yet there’s also a sincere connection within it which mostly serves to make all those complications worse. angry teenage elrond is angry for a great many reasons, and the circumstances around him being raised by kinslayers account for at least half of them. there’s lots of complexity here, and i don’t see it in fic nearly as often as i’d like

(warning: the post... feathers? i already have an internet friend called faeiri this could be awkward - anyway, the post she’s talking about includes the line ‘everyone is wrong about kidnap dads except me.’ this post follows on from that in being as much a commentary about why various popular interpretations of both how the kidnapdoption went and the way people subsequently characterise the twins just don’t work for me as it is a setting out of my own ideas. i’m not really interested in getting into discourse here, i’m just trying to get my thoughts down. i’ve read fic with these interpretations before that i’ve liked, even, don’t take this as a Condemnation, aight? also this turned out long as hell, so i’m putting it under a cut)

i can never buy entirely fluffy depictions of kidnap dads

which isn’t to say i don’t read them! sometimes all i want is something sweet, for these kids to get to be happy for once. it’s not like i think their time with the fëanorians was completely devoid of laughter

it’s just. the pet names, the special days out, the home-cooked meals, it can get so treacly it stops feeling like the characters they are in the situation they’re in and turns into Generic Found Family #272

it soaks out all the complexity - which is the thing i am here for - and acts like oh, these kids were never in any danger, they were perfectly happy being abducted by the people who murdered everyone they knew, there’s nothing possibly questionable about this relationship at all

and... yeah. that’s not the characters i know. that’s not the context i know they belong to

i just can’t forget the circumstances that led them to meet

rivers of blood, the air filled with screams, a town ablaze, a woman choosing to die. every interaction the three of them have is going to proceed from that nightmare

(sidenote: i tend to hold it was maglor that raised the twins, with maedhros looming ominously in the background not really getting involved. it’s mostly personal preference, i’ve been in and out of the fandom since before this kidnap dads thing blew up and when i joined that was a perfectly standard reading)

(also the cave thing was a dumb idea, old man, if only because it implies beleriand had streams safe enough for children to play in at that point. the way it separates the twins from the third kinslaying is also something i don’t particularly vibe with)

probably my least favourite angle i’ve seen on the situation (edged out only by ‘maglor was actively abusive towards the twins’ which no no no no no no no no NO) is the idea that maglor (and/or maedhros, append as necessary) took the twins specifically to raise them

like, i get where it’s coming from, but it makes maglor come off as really creepy

(i have read fics where it is indeed played off as really creepy, but that’s not a maglor i have any interest in reading about)

(’mags 100% bad’ is just as facile a take to me as ‘mags 100% good’)

even if you’re saying maglor took them in because they had no one left to take care of them - i highly doubt they were the only children the fëanorians orphaned at sirion. idk, it always makes maglor seem much less sympathetic than i think it’s meant to

i prefer to think of it as more... organic? something that evolved, not something that was preordained. them growing closer gradually, the twins finding an adult who might maybe be on their side, maglor becoming invested in them almost by accident

and then the twins are so comfortable with the second scariest monster in amon ereb they frequently sass him off and maglor’s gotten so used to not hurting them he’s not even thinking about it any more. no one’s quite sure how it happened, but they’ve made a Connection

‘wait aren’t they a murderous warlord of questionable mental stability and a pair of terrified small children who’ve lost everyone they ever knew? isn’t that kinda fucked up?’ yup! that’s the point! complexity!

another idea i don’t like is the idea that maglor was an objectively better parent to the twins than eärendil or elwing

other people have talked about this already, i won’t rehash the whole thing. i will say that while i don’t think elwing was a perfect parent - someone so young, in such a horrible situation, i wouldn’t blame her for screwing up - i do think she (and eärendil) did the best by them they possibly could

this is one of the few things they have in common with maglor

something i come across now and again is the idea that sure, elwing and eärendil weren’t abusive or horrible or anything, but they were a couple of basically-teenagers with so many other responsibilities, there was only so much they could do. maglor, on the other hand, is an experienced adult who could take much better care of the twins

and...

first off, it’s not like mags doesn’t have a job. he’s a warlord, he has a fortress to help run, military shit to handle, lots of other stuff that needs to get done to stop everyone from starving or getting eaten by orcs. i feel like sirion had enough of a government there was plenty of opportunity for elwing to take days off and play with her kids, but in the fëanorian camp nobody really has the time to chase after a couple of toddlers, least of all one of the last points on the command network. they just don’t have the people any more

(seriously, the twins getting a formal education with tutors and classes and shit is a weirdly specific pet peeve of mine. this is a band of renegades, not a royal household; if there’s anyone left with those kinds of skills they almost certainly have more important things to do)

more than that, though - well, a quick glance through my late stage fëanorians tag should tell you a lot about what i think maglor’s mental state is like at this point. he is so accustomed to violence death means nothing to him, he’s lost most of his capacity for genuinely positive emotion to an endless century of defeat and despair, he hates everything in the universe, especially himself, he’s only able to keep functioning through a truly astounding amount of denial, and he covers it all up with a layer of snark and feigned apathy, which he defends aggressively because he’s subconsciously realised that if it breaks he’ll have absolutely nothing left

(maedhros, for the record, is... i’d say more stable, but at a lower point. maglor may interact with the world mostly through cold stares and mocking laughter, but at least his mind is firmly rooted in the present)

(on the other hand, at least maedhros lets himself be aware of what they are and where their road will lead)

which... this doesn’t mean maglor doesn’t try to be kind to the twins, or rein in his worst impulses around them

there’s just so little of him left but the weapon

he stalks through the halls like a portent of death and gets into hours-long screaming matches with maedhros and has definitely killed people in front of the twins

not even as, like, a deliberate attempt to scare them, but because when you solve most of your problems by stabbing them it’s pretty much a given that people who spend a lot of time around you are going to see you do it at least once

and sometimes, he curls up in an empty hallway, and weeps

... suffice it to say i don’t think elwing’s the more preoccupied, or the less mentally ill, parent here

just. in general, the fëanorians aren’t cackling boogeymen, but they’re not particularly nice either

no one has the energy left for that. not these isolated and weary soldiers at the end of a long losing war and the beginning of the end of the world. they don’t really bother to guard the kids against them escaping. where else are they going to go?

the sheer despair that must have been in the fëanorian camp after sirion, the knowledge that the cause cannot be fulfilled, that they are utterly forsaken, that they’re really just waiting to die -

it can’t have been a happy place to grow up in, under the shadow of loss and grief and deeds unrepentable, and the slow march of inevitable defeat

they would have had a better childhood if they stayed in sirion, raised by people who knew how to hope

but that isn’t the childhood they had. and despite everything i’ve said, i don’t think that childhood was an entirely awful one

yeah, see, this is where the other side of my self-inflicted fandom catch-22 comes in. just as much of the pro-kidnap dads stuff comes off as overly saccharine and simplified to me, i find much of the anti-kidnap dads stuff equally simplistic in the opposite direction

the idea that maglor and the fëanorians never meant anything to elros and elrond, that they had no effect on the people they became at all, that it was just a horrible thing that happened when they were children, easily thrown in the rear-view mirror...

that’s even more impossible to me than the idea that life with the fëanorians was 100% fluffy and nice

like, i’ve seen the take that elros and elrond hated the fëanorians from start to finish. they were perfect little sindarin princes, loyal to their people and the memory of doriath, spurning every scrap of kindness offered to them and knowing just what to say to twist the knife into the kinslayers’ wounds

... dude. they were six. hell, given their peredhelness, mentally they could easily have been younger

what six year old has a firm grasp of their ethnic identity? what six year old is fully aware of their place in history? what six year old would understand the politics that led to their situation?

don’t get me wrong, i can see hatred in there. but something else that doesn’t get acknowledged alongside it often enough is the fear

some of the stuff i’ve read feels like it gives the kids too much power in the situation. they’re perfectly happy to talk back to and belittle the people who burned down their hometown and killed everyone they ever knew, like miniature adults who don’t feel threatened at all

and, like, six. i can see them going for insults as a defensive measure, but it is defensive. it’s covering up fear, not coming from secure disdain

(and a lot of those insults sound, again, like things an adult who’s already familiar with the fëanorians would say, not a scared child who’s lost almost everything. why would a six year old raised by sindar and gondolindrim know what the noldolantë is, let alone what it means to maglor?)

(... i’m just ranting about this one fic that’s been ruffling my feathers for five years straight now, aren’t i)

i mean, i write elrond as the world’s angriest teenager, who snipes at maglor pretty much constantly, but the thing about angry teenage elrond is that he’s angry teenage elrond

he’s spent long enough with the fëanorians he has a pretty secure position within the camp, and he knows that maglor won’t hurt him from a decade and change of maglor not, in fact, hurting him

but as a small and terrified child abducted by the monsters his mother had nightmares about? he fluctuated wildly between ‘randomly guessing at things to say that wouldn’t get him killed’ ‘screaming at maglor to go away in words rarely more complicated than that’ 'desperately trying not to do or say anything in the hopes of not being noticed’ and ‘hiding’

(and i don’t think the twins were never in any danger from the fëanorians, either. quite besides the point that before they started orbiting maglor nobody was really sure what to do with them... well, they wouldn’t be the first children of thingol’s line the minions took revenge on)

(fortunately for them, maglor did, in fact, take them under his wing. by this point even their own followers are shit scared of the last two sons of fëanor, nobody’s going to mess with their stuff and risk getting mauled. tactically, it was a pretty good decision for a couple of toddlers)

more to the point, i feel like a child that young, in a situation that horrible, wouldn’t reject any kindness they were offered, any soothing touch in a universe of terror

in a world full of big scary monsters, the best way to survive is to get the biggest scariest monster possible to protect you. that’s how elros rationalises it when they’re, like, eight, mentally, but at the time they were just latching on to the only person around them who seemed to care about them

that’s how it started, on their end. two very young very scared children lost in a neverending nightmare clinging tightly to the lone outstretched pair of hands

as for maglor...

i’ve called mags evil before, but i see that as more of a... technical term? he is evil because he did the murder, he remains evil because he won’t stop doing the murder. hot take: murder bad

but that doesn’t make him, like, a moustache-twirling saturday morning cartoon villain. he is deeply unhappy with the position he’s in and the person he’s become, and he’s always trying not to take that final step over the edge

it’s not that i can’t see a maglor who is abusive or manipulative or who sees the twins more as objects than people. it’s just that that characterisation is one i am profoundly uninterested in. i do occasionally read fic with it, but it never enters my own headcanons

horrible people can do good things!! kinslayers can do good things!! the fallen are capable of humanity!! people can do both good and evil things at the same time, because people are complicated!! maglor is not psychologically incapable of actually taking pity on these kids!!!!

it’s... again, complexity. the fëanorians straddle the line between black and white, which is a lot less sharp in the legendarium than it’s sometimes characterised as. it’s what draws me to their characters so much, why i have so many stupid headcanons about them. pretending they fall firmly on either side of the line is my real fandom pet peeve

and, like, this moment? this sincere connection between a bloodstained warlord and two children who will grow up to be great and kind in equal measure? i may not entirely like the direction the fandom’s taken it recently, but that beat, that relationship, it still gets me

so no, i don’t think elrond and elros’ years with the fëanorians were an endless cavalcade of abuse and misery. i think there was love there, despite the darkness all around them

an old, tired monster, and the two tiny children it protects

maglor never hurts the twins, not ever, not once. his claws are sharp and his fangs are keen, if he so much as swatted them he’d rip them in half. instead he folds down the razor edges of his being, interacting with them ever so carefully. he has nightmares of suddenly tearing into their skin

seriously, the power differential between them is so great, maglor so much as raising his voice would break any trust they have in this horribly dangerous creature. fics where he does corporal punishment always get the side-eye from me

the mood of their relationship is... i find it hard to put into words. melancholy, maybe, like a sunny afternoon a few days before the end of the world. three people who’ve lost so much finding what respite they can in each other as the world slowly crumbles around them

there are times when it feels like the three of them exist in a world of their own, marked out by the edges of the firelight. maglor telling stories of the stars, elros giving relaxed irreverent commentary, elrond getting a few moments to just be, all their troubles kept at bay

they are the last two lights in a world sunk into darkness, the last two living beings he does not on some level hate. he will tear his own heart out before he sees them in pain

he teaches them to ride, he teaches them to read, he gives them everything he still has left. the twins should never have been in this situation, maglor probably isn’t entirely fit to take care of them, but it is what it is, and they take what love they can

(maglor depends on the twins emotionally a bit more than any adult should rely on any child. he’s still very much the caretaker in their relationship, but that relationship is the only one he has left that’s not stained by a century of rage and grief. he’s obsessed with them, maedhros tells him frequently. maglor’s standard response to this is to try to gouge maedhros’ eyes out)

(that particular darker side to their relationship, where maglor’s attachment to the twins turns into a desperate possessiveness - that’s not something i think i’ve ever seen in fic. which is a shame, it feels much closer to my own characterisation than the standard ways this relationship gets maleficised. darker, in a different way than usual. horribly compelling in its plausibility)

however you want to read it, i don’t think you can deny this is a relationship that defines elrond and elros’ childhood. they were raised in the woods by a pack of kinslayers, the text is quite clear on this

but i’ve seen a lot of talk about how elros and elrond are only sirion’s children. they are completely 100% sindarin, they love and forgive eärendil and elwing thoroughly and without question, they identify with doriath over - even gondolin, let alone tirion. the fëanorians - the people who raised them - had zero effect on the people they grew into and the selves they created

and that, more than anything else, i find utterly unbelievable

look, i get what this is a reaction to. a lot of the kidnap dads stuff paints the fëanorians as elrond and elros’ ‘real’ family, and i’ve already talked about what i think of the idea that maglor-and-possibly-also-maedhros were better parents than eärendil and elwing. i think it’s reductive and overly optimistic and just a little too neat

but to say instead that elrond and elros held no great love in their hearts for maglor, no lingering affinity with the fëanorians, no influence on their identity from the people they grew up around, none at all? that after it happened they just left it behind and resumed being the same people they were in sirion?

that strikes me as just as much an oversimplification. it sands down all the potential rough edges of their identity, all that inconvenient complexity that stops them from fitting into any well-defined box, and replaces it with a nice safe simple self-conception i find just as flat and boring as declaring them 100% fëanorian

we can quibble over who they call ‘father’ (i personally find that whole debate kinda petty) but denying that it was actually maglor who was the closest thing they knew to a parent for most of their childhoods, and that that would, in fact, affect the way they thought of themselves and their family, elides so many interesting possibilities out of existence

(i’m not even going to get into the most braindead take i have ever heard on the subject, namely that because their time with the fëanorians was such a small fraction of elrond’s total lifespan it was like being kidnapped for two weeks as a toddler and had no greater significance than that. do you not understand what childhood is????)

like, i tend to think of elrond as a child as being very loudly not-a-fëanorian. elros is more willing to go with the flow - hey, if the creepy kinslayer wants kids, elros is happy to play into that in order to not be murdered - but elrond is very firm that he’s not happy to be here and he doesn’t belong with them

(this is after they get over their initial terror, of course, when they’ve realised they won’t be fed to the orcs for the tiniest slight. even so, elrond only really gets shirty about it around people he’s comfortable with, whose reactions he can reasonably guess at. naturally, the first person he does it to is maglor)

elros calls maglor their father exactly once, when they’re... maybe early preteens? this is because elrond hears him do it and immediately loses his shit. they have a dad, elrond says, in tears, and a mum, and any day now their real parents are going to come to pick them up and take them home

... right?

it gets harder to believe as the years roll on, as their memories of sirion fade, as they find their own places within the host, as maglor watches over them as they grow. elrond still mentally sets himself apart from the fëanorians, but it’s more of an effort every year. life in the fëanorian camp is the only one he’s ever really known. he can barely remember his mother’s voice

then the war of wrath starts, and the fëanorian host drifts closer to the army of valinor, and the twins come into contact with non-fëanorians for the first time in forever, and it becomes clear just how obviously fëanorian elrond is. he always insisted he wasn’t like the kinslayers at all, but he dresses like them, talks like them, fights like them

the myth cycles the edain tell are almost completely unfamiliar to him, he barely remembers the shape of the songs of lost doriath. even these sarcastic commentary and subversive reinterpretations he made of maglor’s stories - those were still maglor’s stories! he’s been trying to guess at the person he was meant to be, but it’s growing nightmarishly blatant how little elrond ever knew about him

instead, the people he was born to are as alien to him as the orcs of morgoth. he is a fëanorian, through and through

... yeah, elrond (and/or elros) having an absolutely massive identity crisis upon being reintroduced to his quote-unquote ‘true kin’ is another angle i’d love to see in fic that i don’t think i’ve ever come across. all those potential grey areas around who they are and who they’re supposed to be sound utterly fascinating, and i think it’s the complexity i hate to see elided over the most

i really, really doubt they could effortlessly slot back into being eärendil and elwing’s children. not when they’ve been surrounded by, lived alongside, been raised by the people who were supposed to enemies for most of their lives

they just don’t fit into that box any more. they can’t

speaking of eärendil and elwing, while i do agree that they both (especially elwing) get a lot more flak than they deserve, i don’t agree that therefore elrond and elros were never the slightest bit mad at them and fully forgave them for everything with no reservations

because, well, they were left behind. elwing had no other choice, but they were still left behind; it led to the world being saved, but they were still left behind. all the best intentions in the universe don’t erase the weeks and months and years of waiting, of a hope that grew thinner and frailer until it finally quietly broke

that’s a real hurt, and a real grievance. even if the twins rationally understand that their parents were making the best out of their terrible situation, you can’t logic away emotions like that. it’s perfectly possible for them to know they have no reason to resent eärendil or elwing, and yet still harbour that bitterness and pain

(i did write a thing once where elrond loudly rejects eärendil as his father in favour of maglor, but something i didn’t add in that i probably should have is that elrond later regretted doing that)

(not like, several centuries later, when he’d grown old and wise. two hours later, when he’d calmed down. but he was still legitimately angry at eärendil, because the one thing angry teenage elrond was not lacking in was reasons to be mad at the adults around him, and before he could figure out if he had anything less furious to say the hosts of the valar left middle-earth behind)

(it’s another element to the tragedy of the whole thing. in that particular story, which is mostly aiming for maximum pain, the only thing elrond’s birth parents know about their son for thousands of years is that he hates them)

(and he doesn’t, not really. you can’t hate someone you’ve never known)

not that i think they couldn’t ever make up with their parents! fics where elrond and his birth parents work past all the things that lie between them and form a functional familial bond despite it all give me life. i just don’t like the idea that there’s nothing difficult for them to work past

i don’t like the idea that elrond and elros would naturally, effortlessly identify with the mother they last saw when they were six and the people they only vaguely remember. i can see them doing it as a political move, i can see them going for it as a deliberate personal choice, but i can’t seeing it being immediate and automatic and easy

no matter how great a pair of heroes eärendil and elwing are, that doesn’t change the fact that to elrond and elros, they’re at most a few scattered memories and a collection of far-off stories. and so long as the twins stay in middle-earth, they’re never going to draw any closer

compared to the dynamic, multifaceted, personal, and deep bonds they have with the fëanorians - who, and i know i keep saying this but i think it gets tossed aside way more casually than it should, are the people who actually raised them, their birth parents must feel like a distant idea

and that’s why i can never buy interpretations of elrond as 100% sindarin, a pure son of doriath, with no messy grey areas or awkward jagged edges to his identity. given everything we know about his life, it seems almost cartoonishly simplistic

honestly it seems like a narrative a bunch of old doriathrin nobles trying to manouevre elrond into being high king of the sindar or something would propagate. it's neat and nice and tidy, something that’d be much more convenient for everyone if elrond did feel that way

but i just don’t see how he can. this narrative is easy and simple in a way real people never are, it ignores all the forces pulling him apart. elrond being uncomplicatedly sindarin with the life he lives and the people he's close to - that doesn’t make any sense to me

which isn’t to say i think he’s 100% noldorin, from either a gondolindrim or a fëanorian perspective. (i find it a little more believable, given, again, who he grew up around and who he hangs out with, but it’s still a bit too reductive for my tastes.) it’s also not to say i couldn’t believe an elrond who made an active choice to emphasise his sindarin heritage

it’s not how i think of him, but it works. i don’t have a problem with other people interpreting the complexities of the twins’ identities differently

i just have a problem with people acting like it doesn’t exist

in general i think there’s a lot untapped potential that gets left behind when you declare the twins, separately or together, as All One Thing

they’re descended from half the noble houses of beleriand, and they have deep personal ties to most of the rest. they belong to all of the free peoples even the dwarves, somehow, probably and i feel like that was kind of the old man’s point? so many peoples meet in them, to say they wholly belong to any one species is probably an oversimplification

they sit at a crossroads of potential identities, and rather than narrowing down their worldviews to one single path, they take the hard road and choose all of them. that’s what you need to do, if you want to change the world

and, to bring this back to my ostensible topic, in my estimation at least this mélange of possible selves does include them as fëanorians! it’s not overpowering, but it’s certainly there, and the adults they grow into long after they’ve left the host still bear influence from their childhood

nothing super obvious, nothing that wouldn’t stand out if you didn’t know what to look for, but there’s something almost incandescent in how fiercely elros reaches out for his dreams

there’s something almost defiant in elrond’s drive to be as kind as summer

as for who they publically claim as their family... honestly, it depends. while it’s usually more tactically prudent for elros to connect himself to his various human ancestors, on occasion he does find a use for his free in with the elf mafia, and elrond, code switcher par excellence, is famously the son of whoever is most politically convenient at the moment, which is rarely, but not never, maglor

(in the privacy of their own minds, well, eärendil and elwing may have been the parents elros was supposed to have, but maglor was the parent he actually had, and elros doesn’t particularly care to mope over what might have been. elrond, for his part, figures that after all the shit maglor has put him through, the least that bastard owes him is a father)

but honestly? i think before any of their mountain of identities, before thinking of themselves as sindarin or gondolindel or hadorian or haladin or fëanorian or anything, elrond and elros identify as themselves

they are peredhil, they are númenóreans, they are whoever they make themselves to be. that’s how elrond finally resolved his identity, figured out who he was and found something past the pain and the rage

he wasn’t doriathrin, or gondolindrin, or falathrin, or fëanorian, or whatever else. he was elrond, no more and no less

and that person, elrond, could be whatever he chose to be

... elros came to a similar conclusion, with much less sturm und drang that he’s willing to admit. being able to go ‘hey, i can’t possibly be biased towards any one of your cultures, because i’m descended from all of you and i was raised by murderelves’ makes it a lot easier to unite people around your personal banner, turns out

the stories other people tried to force on them shattered into pieces, and the peredhel twins were free to shape themselves into anything they could dream of

and as the new world struggles alive, these lost children of an Age of death begin to bloom into their full glorious selves -

i just. i love the poetry of that. despite every single shadow that hangs over their past, despite all the clashing notes pulling them apart, they harmonise it all into a greater, kinder theme, determined to make their world a better place in whatever way they can

they fail, of course, but so do all things. the inevitable march of entropy doesn’t diminish the long millennia they (and their descendants) held onto the light

and their growing up in the fëanorian host definitely had a huge effect on the noble lords they became. you can see it in elros’ loud ambition to create a land of happiness and hope, elrond’s quiet resolve to heal all the hurts inflicted by this marred reality

it wasn’t a perfect time by any means, but neither was it a nightmare. it was what it was, a desperate existence at the edge of a knife where, nevertheless, they were loved

even after years upon decades upon centuries have passed, it’s hard for the wise king and the honourable sage to separate out and identify all the conflicting emotions swirling around their childhood. they never knew eärendil or elwing, true, but they also never really knew maglor

not as equals, not as adults, not as people who could truly understand him. he disappeared into the fog of history, leaving only childhood memories of razor-sharp, gentle hands

it’s messy and it’s complicated and getting any real closure would be like shoving their way through a thornbush with bare hands even if elrond could find the shithead, and yet at the core of it all, there is light. not the brightest of lights, maybe, but an enduring one

that contrast, above all, that note of warmth amidst the shadows, is what fascinates me so much about their relationship. three screwed up people in a screwed up world, finding a little peace with each other

and the fact that somehow, it does have a good ending - the children grow up magnificent and compassionate and just, they become exemplars of all their peoples, lodestars of the new world born out of the ashes of the old - that makes it seem to me like this relationship must have contained some fragment of happiness

but, fuck, all the darkness that surrounds that love, all the tangled-up emotions its existence necessitates, all the prefabricated self-identities it can never slot into - nothing about it is simple, nothing about it is easy, and i find that utterly enthralling. especially how, despite everything, that flickering light never goes out

well, i don’t think it does, anyway. my take on this relationship is both complicated enough no one else ever quite gets it right and well-defined enough every single ‘error’ in other people’s interpretations sticks out like a kinslayer in rivendell

it is an entirely self-inflicted problem, i will admit. other people are allowed to interpret those complexities differently from me, and it’s entirely my own fault i lack the :waves hands around nebulously: to write my own hypothetical fic on the subject at a pace faster than glacial

still, though. i do wish there was more fic out there that engaged with these complexities. a lot of the common fandom interpretations of this relationship just sweep it all away

[daphnebishop]

He was trying, but for what? There was no reconciliation as far as Daphne could see, even as the hope strumming in her chest begged her to believe it, even as doubt and heartbreak yawned deeper and threatened to swallow her whole. At the end of this, whatever this was, all that would be left of her would be the bitter morsels grief could not swallow. She never figured out how to untangle the shame and all that clung to it in a haze of conflicting emotion. He was trying, and maybe that was what Daphne feared the most. Trying meant moving on, did it not? Could she do such a thing? Daphne twisted her fingers in her lap and furrowed her brows, all the unsaid things she couldn't find the words to explain.

She sighed, quiet and stuttering without looking away. Every time as of late felt like it could be the last time she'd lay eyes on him, and the selfish thumping of her heart begged her to hold onto that just a little while longer. Remember the aura that clung around him, like pieces of him she understood better than herself; you're made of all my favorite colors, she thought of the sleepy memory once believed to be a dream, and blinked, her eyes drifting above his head to take note of the colors around him now. Her breath stuttered and Daphne dropped her gaze back to his face. Hadn't t she told him once she was trying? Was it enough to try?

She watched the emotion shutter across him and visibly tilted back, as if the realization he'd never gotten her letter was a slap to her face. Daphne's instinct had been to reach across to him, to pull him closer. She pressed her palms into the grass at the river bank, "I wrote you a letter, Nate. I explained," she stuttered eyes moving to the opposite shore. She could recall every word, every thing she took and all she had left. The most important pieces of herself, she furrowed her brows and willed him to understand. "Nate, I am sorry to leave this way. I know I am doing you a disservice by leaving you with a letter but it was the only way I knew I wouldn’t back out of what I know I have to do. I finally have a lead on my sister, and I have to follow it. I know this has been painful for you, difficult, and unfair. I know none of it is what you signed up for when we got married. But this is my life and my burden I have to see it through. I can’t be the reason you suffer anymore. I want you to be happy, and if that is without me, I have drawn up divorce papers. You’ll see I’ve asked for nothing, kept nothing," Daphne recited the letter from memory, stopping before she had when she wrote it, her heart-tugging into her throat as she quietly recalled the parts she couldn't bring herself to say aloud.

Nothing but my rings. I hope you’re okay with that? Maybe it is because I don’t think I’ll ever really be ready to let go of you. This is why this is so difficult. "If you’d ask me to stay, I’d never leave. I’d never find the answers to finally put my sister to rest, and I’d just continue making you miserable," Daphne paused again, the most vulnerable parts of the letter feeling too tender to recite now, not when he was here with someone else. "So this following suggestion may be selfish; maybe it means I am no good for you, but I love you too much to not ask anyway. If you find this idea of ending as terrible and foolish as it feels, the door is open. The key will be where I hide them all. It’s yours if you want it. If you still want me. Daphne swallowed the words, a strain of her voice as she found the omission of the whole letter a lie, she looked away, "The choice is yours... all my love, Daphne."

Daphne doubted any of this changed a thing; she didn't think it could. With all the space between them, she could fall forever and never find footing again. "I wrote that letter. I left it for you on top of the papers, Nate." Daphne stressed, gesturing around them, "Do you not see this place for what it is yet?" she scoffed, "I was never going to find this place if the person giving me the information couldn't trust me. I never would have found Ronnie, I had to leave, Nate. I had to find her, but I didn't want this," Daphne explained in a rush of vulnerability that took her by surprise. "Tamsin was there the day I left...looking for you. Always looking for you," she scoffed, rolling her eyes to keep tears from falling.

"You're so angry with me, but what the hell was I supposed to do? Stay and watch you lean on Tamsin more and more? Who was I supposed to lean on? I couldn't...I wasn't able to lean on you when you were so," Daphne paused, a tearless sob breaking in her words, a hiccup of a gasp, and she shook her head, "Just, whatever you're trying to do here, I'd prefer it if we didn't try to pretend... I see it all over you," Daphne gestured around him, to the colors that broke her heart to witness, "The weather is terrible," Daphne whispered as the clear blue skies and warm breezes swept through her hair.

Immediately, Nate's guards went back up. He bristled at her tone, at her words, at the way she seemed to intent to keep them on unsteady ground while he had swallowed down his own heartbreak to try and form some sort of truce. If only so they could make it through this weekend unscathed.

But of course it couldn't be that simple. "I'm trying here," he said quietly through his teeth. But it was her admission about only finding out about the witch thing and then the casual drop of werewolves that shut him right back up. A muscle feathered in his cheek as he clenched his teeth, staring out into the water and wondering how such a wide and devastating chasm could have opened up between them. They were strangers with history. He didn't know what to do with that.

His head snapped back toward her, his back up immediately when she said she'd told him she was leaving. His brows furrowed, all the betrayal at her desertion turning into a righteous sort of anger as he looked at her. "What are you talking about? You didn't tell me anything, Daphne. You just left. You were just gone. So don't tell me about how fucking loud silence is. It's all you left behind." A bitter laugh and then: "Well, that and divorce papers. I guess that said enough for you."

[reikeip]

Crossroad ♱ Chaos 5

Location: Underground Livehouse

Kuro: Yep, yep. ‘Kay, you’re gonna eat at your friend’s house today.

…… That friend of yours ain’t a guy, right?

Ya want me to come pick you up when you’re done playing? You’re alright? 'S that right? Their family’ll give ya a ride home… Yeah, got it.

Guess your friend would be scared if a tough lookin’ guy like me came to pick ya up, anyways. Call me if ya need anything, yea?

See ya, make sure you come home before it gets too late.

(... Nn~ lil’ sis has been actin’ cold lately. Is this what they call a rebellious phase?)

(Well, at least she’s gotten better at talkin’ than right after mom died.)

(She’s got her own life to lead, so it wouldn’t be good if I interrupted that too much.)

(Haha. She told me something like “Why don’t you play with your friends, Aniki”, but I don’t got any real friends I can just call up on the spot.)

(If I had to call someone that, it’d be Morisawa. But if people saw us gettin’ along it might be troublesome for him.

(Good grief. Honestly I’m startin’ to think enrolling at this school was a mistake. Even though I’m a second year, I still don’t fit in.)

(Yeah it’s better than middle school, where I hung out with some dangerous guys and got up to some bad things, so…)

(I guess it’s much better to be a loner if it means I can’t hurt anybody.)

Kaoru: Heyyy, Kiryuu-kun ♪

Woah woah, why are you hanging out here? You look pretty bummed~ Did you get rejected by a girl you like or something?

Kuro: … Hakaze. Well, you’re mostly right.

Kaoru: I see. Poor guy~ If you weren’t a large and tough male, I’d be comforting you right now, Kiryuu-kun ♪

Kuro: I don’t want that anyways. Don’t talk to me, shoo.

Kaoru : Uwah, driving me away like I’m some stray dog… I’m being hated~ But, personally, I’d prefer to get on good terms with you.

If Kiryuu-kun was my bodyguard, my safety at school would be totally covered.

Kuro: Look somewhere else. I’m not gonna hang out with anyone.

Kaoru: Yep, it’s specifically because you're a man’s man that I wanted you. But that’s fine, it isn’t like I plan on getting involved in what’s going on at school anyways.

More importantly, are you free right now, Kiryuu-kun? An acquaintance of mine seems to be singing at the underground livehouse, so wanna go check it out?

C'mon, it’ll be my treat. It’s rare for me to pay for a guy, you know~♪

Kuro: Hmm… My plans did fall through, so pissin’ away some time with you sounds fine.

I hear a pretty energetic voice singing. Hey, is that Morisawa?

Kaoru: Morisawa? Who?

Well anyways, if you have some time to spare, come with me.

Contrary to the idol department of Yumenosaki Academy, both men and women are allowed in the underground livehouse~ So maybe there’ll be a delightful encounter ♪

Location: Underground Livehouse

Kaoru: Goodness… this is even more of an uproar than I thought it would be.

(What’s with this? The crowd is so big it’s almost impossible to move…)

(If I got stuck close to a girl I’d welcome it, but as far as I can tell the crowd’s mostly dudes. This is a whole new kinda hell.)

( Eh? Something smells pleasant…?)

Kuro: H-hey, Hakaze? Where the hell do you think you’re goin’?

Kaoru: (Sniff sniff… This is a kind of smell you can't maintain unless you wash your hair diligently, day in and day out. I’m sure it’s a beautiful, neat and tidy Japanese beauty ♪)

Souma: …? Dost thou want something?

Kaoru: Thaaat’s a guy~...? Am I losing my sense of smell here?

Souma: W-why such blatant deject? Art thou unwell? Thy face does seem pallid…

This crowd is thick; art thou sick?

If thou wouldst wish it, I’ll see thee out ♪

Kaoru: Ah~ sorry, but can you stop talking to me?

You're right that I’m not feeling well, but it's just ‘cause I expected a delightful encounter, so I was kind of betrayed y’feel~?

Souma: I beg pardon? Explain so that I may understand!

Hath my strange behavior given to your displeasure?

Kaoru: Eh, why do you keep approaching me so strongly…

I’m not interested in men, so die and reincarnate as a beautiful woman, then you can come back. Bye-bye~ ♪

Souma: Rather thou didst approach me! You ill-bred rogue!

...Woah?

Kuro: Ah, my bad. Seems I bumped right into ya. ...Ain’t hurt, right?

Souma: Ah, thou art the gentleman I did see before…

Step aside, I must to enact judgement ‘pon that insolent man. To back down after being made a fool, that would be dishonor to the Kanzaki clan!

Kuro: Dunno what’s exactly goin’ on, but you should try and calm down. It’s pretty chaotic as is ‘cause of some situation, and not to mention crowded.

If someone goes actin’ all violent without being settled, then no way no one’s gonna get hurt.

Hold up, how the hell did things get like this in the first place?

Souma: Alas… Even I know not the reason. As swiftly as that honorable man ascended to this scene, it transformed into the most furious of crucibles.

I feel as though a tsunami has swallowed me whole.

Kuro: Honorable man, ya say… Well, if it ain’t Sakuma.

Rei: ♪~♪~♪

Kuro: (Dunno why, but he sure is singin’ like he’s havin’ the time of his life. What are you, the school’s superstar, doing frolicking around in a run-down district like this…?)

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Collaboration with: ciel

[paleontaxi]

Cora’s approach to goodness is interesting, to say the least, different, how she views it as more than a culmination of a person’s actions.  Most people would say that if you do bad things, you are a bad person, and that is how Jarod has felt about it, too.  He has never thought of himself as particularly good, even before Lola’s death.  He wasn’t awful, maybe, but he never went out of his way to do good by anyone other than Lola.  He was never accommodating or kind to strangers outside of where he had to be for work.  He was never there for people, and as such, he ended up with no one there for him until Cora came along.

Jarod has viewed his entire life as a grave he dug for himself.  With everything that has happened to him, he has thought of it as something that could have been avoided if not for one of his own shortcomings.  There are always other people to be blamed, his ex-wife for leaving him, the Brigades and Sonya for Lola’s death.  However, he still feels responsible and knows he cannot put the blame entirely on others.  No, he has never thought of himself as a good person because he would have an easier time keeping people around if he was.

Those feelings have only worsened over the past ten years, now that he is actively doing the wrong thing instead of neglecting to do the right one.  While his inaction before did not make him a good person, his action nowadays must make him a bad one.  Society agrees, and they would arrest him if word about his activities got out.

Cora doesn’t see things that way, though.  She sees more to him than just the things he has done.  She takes the intentions and emotions behind them into account, even though he is not sure she should. He does not think he deserves that kind of consideration, not after all the lives he has ended and ruined, but he has never been able to convince her of that, and… he is grateful for it.  He needed the chances she has given him, regardless of whether he has deserved any of them.  She can try to say he did it all for himself, but if she had never stuck her neck out for him, he never would have gotten better.  She is the one who made him believe that goodness was more than what he initially thought, and he realized he still had a spark of it left in him because of her.

He has never wanted to hurt her, not even once from the day they met, when he stood in that hotel room, wringing his hands and telling her that he did not do stuff like this often.  That was the nice way to say it had been an eternity since he had last fucked anyone.  Perhaps it was that concern over what she might think of him (seeing as how it isn’t exactly like riding a bike and you do forget a few things), an apologetic sort of consideration that she might not get from everyone, that made her see something soft in him.  He was clearly not there to do any harm, just assuage his loneliness.

He had no way of knowing that his loneliness would be beaten back for more than that one night, that Cora would become a more permanent fixture in his life.  Moreover, the light she has brought him by being here has changed him, smoothed over at least some of that grief, some of that rage.

When she pulls her hand away from him, he does not push it.  Seeing her being the shy one for a change is a bit funny.  When he first met her, she was bold and sassy, and she still is, of course.  But now, he sees deeper into the core of her person, past the exaggerated front she wore for work.  She is so soft, much more than anyone might expect, but not weak, just gentle and loving.

“Humility’s not a good look on you,” he jests, laughter in his warm, dark eyes.  He leans forward to better read Cora’s expression behind the curtain of dark waves.  “You gotta take credit where it’s owed to you.  Never thought I’d have to tell you that.”  Cora made it pretty far in life on her own; she was savvy, making sure she never got cheated out of shit.

He leans back, looks down at his dinosaur, and pushes some of its purple fur, which dinosaurs are not supposed to have, out of its eyes.  Then, he shakes his head.  “I didn’t know where to start.  I was drowning and couldn’t tell which way was up until you pulled me out, so just…”  He smacks his stuffed dinosaur against her arm.  “...accept the damn compliment, will you?”

Jarod did not know what he was going to do if and when he ever finished his plans for revenge.  He likely would have shot himself—end of the line.  But now, more chapters have been added to his story, chapters including Cora, and he wants to see them through to the end.  “Trust me, if left to my own devices, I know myself well enough to say I never would have pulled this off.”

a smile graces her lips , soft around edges as a warm light seems to spark behind blue hues as they traced around the other's features ; the sharpness of his cheeks , the shadow of his stubble that peppered across his jaw , the rich brown that seemed to match the the booze that he drinks , bringing the same layer of comfort that came from a shot of his regular order - he's come a long , long way from when they first met - his growth , being around to witness him pull himself together , to have the strength to lift himself from the ground &. see that the world wasn't just bad , that light existed along the dark , has certainly been a privilege ; something she'll be thinking about for the rest of her life .

the more jarod &. her began to connect , in ways that were certainly unprofessional on her part , she knew he was one of the good ones , he had done horrible things ; who hasn't ? he was another example of trauma taking control ; of grief warping someone's sense of self , sending them into autopilot . it didn't make him bad , it made him human , so painfully , wonderfully human . it put on display how much he truly cared , how deeply he loved &. so fiercely loyal . humans were both the most strongest &. fragile things on earth , coraline thinks those two words describe him perfectly .

cause of you . oh. then, i met you .

❛ oh ❜

there's a slight widen in eyes , unable to stop herself from staring ; waiting for the punchline that must be on the tip of his tongue , yet … nothing , the sincerity of the confession that had her breath hitching , the conviction paired with the truth that lingered behind his eyes .

a pale dust of pink quickly forms , starting from the bridge of freckled nose all the way to her matching cheeks . she hates how she can feel the heat radiating from her , how the room seemed to grow hotter with the emotions that bubbled in chest ; she's embarrassed , bewildered , nervous - all while a burst of happiness seems to explode from inside out . she isn't sure why it sparks something to life that was buried deep inside her chest , but it did &. she'd be more than happy for it to go back to sleep .

she fails to see the hand that reaches for her , palm that was once on the floor was brought back towards herself , it wasn't intentional , a quick action born of emotions that seemed to overtake her . instead , opting to fiddle with the plastic dinosaur she had picked up in idle while they spoke ; an ankylosaurus , one of her favourites . she moves the tail side to side , pad of thump tracing the bolder at the end .

the notion of helping people … it was still somewhat new to her . she had grown up a lot , but there was still much self nurturing that was needed ; parts she wasn't at all ready for , pieces of herself to put out there that she didn't even want to acknowledge in herself yet . however she did her best to put good out in the world in what little ways she can ; mostly through her work , being there for others when they allow her ( when she could allow herself to push that little bit further ) , small day to day actions when the dark cloud was easier to navigate . doing the small things to stay in tuned with her humanity , with a soul she knows she has that was perhaps was a little darker than most ; with people , it was crucial that she did . but she never thought she was capable of doing what jarod was now claiming .

❛ i … hope you know , that … wasn't me ❜ heart beats wildly in chest , she feels it in her ears ; voice uncharacteristically low , the confidence melting away as she fought against speaking too loud , to avoid shouting over the ocean of blood that was making itself known between eyes ❛ it was you . if even the smallest piece of you didn't want to … open up , or - feel like that again - you wouldn't have ❜ she's finding it hard to keep her focus on jarod , he seems too bright - near blinding ❛ you might have needed me to kick you in the arse a little ... ❜ a small chuckle , an handful of curls falling in front of face as head dips down for a moment ❛ but … this ? it's all you , tiger ❜ and it's one of the reasons why she's developed some subconscious habits involving him ; how she looks at him the way she does , the way she lingers when they're around each other , how her mind drifts to him , searching for him even when she knows he's nowhere near ; somehow , coraline remains blissfully unaware of the things that make her feel so intertwined with him .

[tonystarkstan]

the thing is, when people break up, a lot of times the only thing that gets talked about is all the bad things. they talk about all the things they hated about their partner, they talk about who their partner was in their worst moments. but the love was there. the love was there, and it mattered. it mattered more than all the other stuff.

i loved it when she smiled. she had a lovely smile, like it was startled out of her, like a sunshower. sometimes she would laugh at things that i didn’t think were as funny as she did but i laughed along anyway because it was contagious and something to be bottled, something to be treasured. i would open up a call to her on facetime and she would answer with her smile and even if it wasn’t a good day, i would think, it’s a good day, because then it was.

she was better at words than anyone i know. better than me, by miles and miles, better than published authors I’ve read and loved, better than my English teachers growing up. she could turn the world into poetry. she turned me into poetry, which is a hard thing to do, because there’s not a lot about me you can turn into anything beautiful. she managed to, though. she had an uncanny ability to put words to almost any feeling, a talent that only ever failed her when we both probably needed it most. or maybe it didn’t, and i just forgot how to listen.

there’s not a person on the planet who can make me laugh the way she could. she spit dark humor and wit like she wrote the language of it. we would be talking about grief and rock bottom and fear, and then i would be laughing and i’d never feel guilty for laughing when i probably shouldn’t be because she always made it feel okay. i think she always wanted me to laugh, and i think she knew that sometimes it was either laugh or cry, and if crying would break me, she would make sure I could have a laugh and feel something close to whole again, even if just for a moment.

she’s stubborn, and i loved that about her. i say loved, past tense, because now it’s that same stubbornness that keeps her isolated from the people who love her. she’s stubborn in her insistence that everyone hates her, and now i don’t get to be there to remind her that that’s far from the truth. but she’s also stubborn in her love for people, too. she’ll love them, against her better judgment. almost especially against her better judgment. and she stubbornly loved me as best as she could when it was hardest to love me. (i wonder if that was against her better judgment, too.)

her ideas bled into mine, and vice versa. i don’t know that i’ll ever find another person who completes all my half-finished thoughts so perfectly. she could spin my prompts into works of art, she could take the barest skeleton of an idea and breathe life into it. i only wanted to read things she wrote. i only wanted to write things she wanted to read. this is evidence of that.

she made me feel safe. she made me want to tuck myself into her side, to wrap the covers tight around the both of us and play a game of make-believe where neither of us ever gets hurt again. she once woke me up from a nightmare and promised me i was okay, and i believed it. i cried my grief next to her in the dark, but she was awake and there for me and i could feel it and it was good. she was good. she is good. i hope someone is telling her that. i hope someone is making her feel safe, too.

she has a list of safe foods, and i find it incredibly endearing. quesadillas and rice from monterrey’s. grilled cheese sandwiches. chicken tenders. i once made her baked potato soup and she liked it, and i still remember that feeling of triumph and pride that i could make something she liked. i only wanted to make things she liked. i wonder what else i could have gotten her to love if we’d stayed together longer. (i guess we’ll never know.)

she’s brave. i don’t know where she gets it from, but i often found myself jealous of it. not in any malicious sort of way, but in the “i wish i were like that” way. she would wake up feeling worse than me and then do the day better. she would try to climb up the tree and i wouldn’t. she would face grief head on and i would flinch away from it. she would love fiercely knowing it could backfire on her spectacularly. i would love under the illusion that it wouldn’t.

she’s kind. she’s resilient and hardworking. she’s intelligent and perceptive and picks up on all the things that aren’t being said, and she tries her hardest, always, so i should have known better than to think what happened in the end was because of a lack of trying. it still hurt, though, and it was still the end. i wish i could change it. but i promise you, she is still all of these wonderful and gorgeous things. and i am so lucky to have gotten to love her.

i hope someone loves her as much as i did. (do.)

i hope they love her better.

— “a love letter to my ex”