#huh. not a single man in this show is normal about women. is that a themes thing or

[universalthaumaturge]

ok i get why anthy has creature of delirium now

[xinyuehui]

I don't know if I want to write a massive essay about this, but they missed the whole point with all the characters, especially Ye Wenjie. I'm assuming everyone who said this portrayal is accurate and a raging angry Ye Wenjie is good is because they either never read the book, or non-Chinese, or both. (Or maybe projecting their own views on Maoism). Ye Wenjie received higher education during a time period where it wasn't common for women. She believed in science, she believed in people, but time and time again, the people in her life let her down and never showed any signs of remorse. What I've gathered from the text is that she isn't fuelled by rage, more so she is dead on the inside, she has lost all hope in people. Her decision to reply is not because she wants to destroy, she believes that a civilisation from a higher standpoint could save humans, and this roots in the fact that she is educated. She's not some crazy rage driving women who would ever say "time is a motherfucker", not even a Chinese equivalent.

I'm not sure why the writers decided to write Ye Wenjie and Yang Weining's relationships out of the story...Oh so she is rescued by a white man later on hmm??? (Coincidentally, all the characters driving the plot are also non-Chinese in this). Ye Wenjie marrying Yang Weining and giving birth to Yang Dong gave her a glimpse of light in the life from which she had lost hope. Spending time in Qijiatun also gave her a bit of warmth. When she pushed Yang Weining off the cliff, it marked another significant point, she was calm, cut the rope with no hesitation. She did not care to get herself entangled in romantic affairs. Making her have a child with Evans is laughable. They also dumb down Yang Weining, to the extent that Ye Wenjie had to explain 43+8=51 to him. Mind you, he was a real proper engineer. (Weirdly with all the diversifying, they did not keep a single male Chinese scientist in the main team huh)

Anyways, before I go on a tangent. The writers have fast tracked everything and left out the finer text about the characters in the book. I'm not sure if they missed the point or that nowadays the audience are ruined by fast media, something like the tencent version are simply too slow for the people in the west. Any of my moots and followers who watch cdramas will know that the real good stuff is all in the build-up. It's all the little text that adds up to a fleshed out character. If the culture difference is too much for Netflix, leading them to change all the characters and most of the plot, why not just buy a western ip. There's plenty of good western sci-fi ips.

I can't help but think they want to do this because they wanted to film the scene where Ye Zhetai is beaten to death. Have an excuse to turn Ye Wenjie an angry woman. We all know why. If they really cared about showing a true China during that time, they would have spend some care with the Red Coast details as mentioned above (we did not have screens in 1960s that display Chinese text!!! And definitely no simplified Chinese characters on computers!!!!). Instead of having her snog Bai Mulin off - unrealistic since people were a lot more conserved back then, they would not have done this and it's ooc for Ye Wenjie. Falling in love with Evans - a real blasphemy. I guess the 3 Body Problem here means 3 bodies pounding at each other. Jin-Raj-Will also seem to have their own 3 body problem going on too.

(One last tangent) Ye Wenjie and Yang Dong(Vera) as scientists not believing in god but having monks at her funeral ??????????? Not even a typical normal Chinese funeral will have monks. The stereotype enforcing is real.

[marimbles]

Forgot to post my piece for Residents of the Wild, a zine focused on NPCs from BotW! This is basically my silly version of the sand boots side quest from BotW. (Shoutout to @botwdialogue for documenting all the dialogue for the entire quest—that was such a helpful reference! X)

Word count: 2k

These Boots Are Made for Jogging (in the Sand)

What’s the best way for a strapping single guy to show off his lady-catching sand boots?

Jog around on the sand. Duh.

So that’s what Bozai did, day after day, circling Gerudo Town like a fashionable, sporty hawk. Sure, it was exhausting. And sweet Hylia, it was hot—even when he downed chilly elixirs around the clock. But eventually, it would all be worth it, when he caught the eye of the perfect woman.

… Right?

Bozai slowed to a stop by the southern entrance of the town, where a pair of gorgeous yet imposing Gerudo guards flanked the doorway.

“Hey,” he panted. “Nice day, isn’t it, ladies?”

The guards glared down at him.

“Move along, voe,” one of them said gruffly. “If you loiter, we’ll assume ill intent.”

Bozai laughed. “Hey, I’m not trying to sneak in—I promise! I just want to chat. Care to join me on a jog?”

“We have no interest in chatting,” the other guard said, voice cold. “We must remain at our post. Besides, we would easily outpace you. Your legs are short and stumpy.”

“Come on, ladies, that’s not very—”

But then two sharp spears were pointed right at his chest, so he had no choice but to drop it.

Bozai sighed and jogged away, trying to ignore how sore he was. He had to keep jogging. His dream girl was waiting for him! (Probably.)

He rounded the corner, and someone nearly ran into him. Someone a full head shorter than him, with long, blonde hair and big, blue eyes, and—

“Oh.” Bozai blinked. “It’s just a guy.”

A Hylian guy, with a weirdly pretty face and a slew of weapons strapped to his back. He gazed silently up at Bozai, expressionless.

“Saw me running around, huh?” Bozai shifted his backpack. “See, I heard Gerudo women liked a guy in sand boots …”

(Of course, it was the shoe salesman who told him that, but that guy had a hot wife, so Bozai would have to be an idiot not to take his advice about women.)

The stranger looked down at Bozai’s feet. “Sand boots?”

“Yeah! They let you walk normally on sand,” Bozai said proudly. “What do you think? Jealous, right?”

Blondie’s face stayed blank, like he wasn’t even impressed with Bozai’s amazing, manly, one-of-a-kind sand boots. Did he somehow miss what Bozai said? Or was he just stupid?

“Gimme those boots,” the stranger demanded.

Bozai took a step back. Okay, apparently he impressed this weirdo too much.

“Not cool!” Bozai said. “Look, these are super rare. Mayyybe I’d consider giving them to you if you were a girl, but a guy? NO.”

Blondie did not look at all deterred by Bozai’s devastating rejection. In fact, he looked kind of determined. Or maybe … amused? It was hard to tell, with that weird, stoic face of his. He was starting to creep Bozai out.

Bozai cleared his throat. “I’m busy here. Get lost!”

He pushed past the guy and resumed his jog. Man, why did he have to run into a weirdo like that? Why was it never a cute girl waiting for him around the corner?

Bozai’s eyes locked on the approaching corner of the city wall. Maybe there would be a cute girl waiting for him. What would he say to her? He should plan it out, just in case.

’Sup, girl? Name’s Bozai. But you can just call me Dream Guy. Heh.

At that point, he would run his fingers through his dark, silky locks (which were not that silky, to be honest, since his bangs were perpetually plastered to his forehead).

Ugh. That wouldn’t work. He couldn’t be suave and sexy when he was all sweaty. But where was a guy supposed to take a bath in the middle of the desert?

Bozai turned the corner and stumbled to a stop. A figure stood in his path.

A female figure.

There was no mistaking it this time. She was Hylian, but she wore the delicate silk of the Gerudo, her stomach and shoulders bare. Even with a veil covering her lower face, Bozai could tell she was beautiful.

“Sa-sa-sa … sa’votta!” he stammered. (Was that the right word? Or should it have been sav’saaba?)

The girl did not reply. She just watched him over her veil, her eyes bright and piercing. Bozai’s heart did a strange little flip.

“The name’s Bozai,” he said quickly. “I’m thirty-five, single, and I love jogging. Especially on sand.”

Not the best intro in the world, but not bad either. It was nothing that couldn’t be saved by the power of The Boots. Bozai shuffled his feet for good measure, so the beautiful stranger would be sure to look down at them.

“Nice sand-jogging!” she said.

Gotcha.

“Ah, you noticed these old things?” Bozai attempted to sweep his bangs back in a cool, carefree way, but they just clumped together awkwardly instead. He launched into a description of The Boots before the girl could decide he was lame and walk away.

“So, anyway, if you want to check them out, we could grab a quiet corner and—”

“Gimme those boots,” the girl ordered.

Bozai blinked. He must have had sand in his ears, because for a moment, she sounded almost like that weirdo from before.

The girl stared him down. She even sort of looked like him now, with those intense blue eyes and that golden-blonde hair. But Bozai was surely coming down with some sort of heat sickness—because surely this desert goddess had nothing in common with that sulky creep! (Not to mention, she was a girl.)

Bozai squinted at her against the sunlight.

“Um … well … here’s the thing …” he began.

Wait. This is a golden chance to woo her!

“I mean—sure!” he said hastily. “I’d love to give them to you, you hungry little boot monster!”

It was a cute nickname, right? Maybe that’s what he’d call her when they were married, holding hands while they jogged across all kinds of surfaces—sand, snow, grass, rock. Maybe they’d even jog over water together. Or lava! That would be extra romantic. Someone had to invent lava boots, right?

Focus, Bozai!

He straightened, standing as tall as he could in his sand boots (which, unfortunately, was not very tall. The guards were right about his legs being short and stumpy).

“But first, a favor.” He paused for dramatic effect. “Ever heard of the legend of the eighth heroine?”

Immediately, the girl was captivated.

Gotcha again, Bozai thought.

A few minutes later, he’d handed over his trusty snow boots—which he hated to do, really, but it was all in the name of love. The girl would be back in a few days, anyway, because even in snow boots, the Gerudo Highlands were treacherous. No sane person would actually scale those cliffs and hike through all that snow just to see an old statue no one was sure even existed. Pretty soon, she’d realize that she’d much rather hang out with the handsome guy in the sand boots than freeze to death.

Bozai settled under the shade of the tent at the front of the town to wait.

“See you soon, Goldie,” he whispered to himself, and then he drifted off to sleep, dreaming of blue eyes and lava boots.

Goldie was not back in a few days.

A whole week went by, and there was no sign of her. Bozai fretted and frowned and fussed, and the nerves made him even sweatier than usual. But there was nothing he could do. Had Goldie fallen off a cliff? Or turned into a beautiful, tragic ice sculpture?

Or maybe she’d just taken his boots and run off, laughing at how stupid he was for thinking he ever had a chance with her. (That one made him so depressed that he tried flirting with the guards again, if only to give him a different rejection to brood over for an hour.)

Just when he’d almost lost hope completely, a familiar pair of eyes was blinking up at him.

Bozai gasped. “Oh, thank goodness! You made it back safely!”

He was so relieved that he couldn’t even think about acting cool. Instead, he found himself confessing the lie of the eighth heroine, apologizing, blabbing about his feelings—basically, rambling like an idiot. He was on the verge of getting on his knees and swearing his allegiance as her eternal protector when she held up a hand.

“Found it.”

She was trying to make him feel better. Which was sweet, but Bozai didn’t deserve that. He tried to tell her so, but she shoved a small, rectangular something in his face.

“Look at this!”

Bozai stared. There, on the rectangle, was an impossibly realistic image of what could only be the real eighth heroine.

“That—that’s amazing!” he spluttered. And then he was rambling again, nerding out about archaeology (his secret passion, other than boots). He had almost managed to bring the subject around to the subject of eternal love—in a subtle way, of course—but Goldie had a remarkably one-track mind.

“Sand boots, please!”

Bozai’s heart sank. But he was nothing if not a man of his word, so he dutifully took off the boots and relinquished them into her waiting hands.

“Could you be a lamb and return my snow boots?” he asked. “Otherwise ol’ Bozai’s going to be barefoot!”

She looked equally reluctant to hand them over, but she did, watching wistfully as he slipped them on. Or maybe that sad look was her way of telling him that she didn’t want to say goodbye either. Well, Bozai could take that hint.

“I’m pretty tired from my jogging regimen,” he said casually. “I think I’ll take five under the tent at the front of town. Care to join me?”

She didn’t. Bozai jogged dejectedly back to the shade, feet heavy in the wrong kind of boots.

The rest of the day crawled by. Bozai didn’t feel like jogging anymore. Not when he had to do it in snow boots, which were even clunkier in the sand than regular boots. Instead, he watched for Goldie under his tent. She had to come back, right? They were practically soulmates! (Or sole-mates. Heh.)

But alas, she was nowhere to be seen. The only golden hair he spotted belonged to the blank-faced weirdo—this time, practically shirtless, with a stupid-looking ponytail on top of his head. Bozai scoffed. What kind of outfit was that? Was he trying to invent some kind of Gerudo men’s wear? As if that was gonna get him into town. Idiot.

Blondie jogged toward a stray sand seal. It darted away before he could get close.

He jogged toward another one. He looked strangely light on his feet, like the sand wasn’t slowing him down at all. Almost like …

Bozai’s eyes widened. Blondie was wearing The Boots—the amazing, manly, one-of-a-kind sand boots he had just gifted to his true love.

Bozai jumped to his feet. “Hey! You!”

Blondie froze, panic on his normally stony face. Behind him, another seal dove beneath the sand.

“Those are my boots!” Bozai shouted, trudging clumsily toward him. “Or, I mean, they were! Where did you get them?”

Quickly, Blondie pulled something out of his pocket.

And then he started glowing.

Bozai stopped short, gaping. Blondie was glowing like a blue nightshade at midnight. And soon he was also floating, the toes of his stolen boots dangling above the sand. His body dissolved away in gleaming ribbons of light. And then he was gone.

Bozai stared at the spot where Blondie had disappeared, footprints still fresh in the sand.

“Did you see that too?” he asked a nearby sand seal.

“Arf!” said the seal.

Bozai shook his head. There was only one thing to do when your almost-girlfriend was robbed by a dead-eyed, weapon-loving freak who was apparently some kind of sorcerer.

He marched back to his tent and took a nap.

[beawritingbooks]

Hazbin Hotel Headcanon:

This is gonna be a long walk, so stay with me.

Okay, so, it's biblically canon that Lilith left Adam because the dude was really bad in bed. Hazbin Hotel canon seems to follow that narrative, as well.

And, if you want evidence that he's bad in bed, I present you with Exhibit A:

No man who is actually good in bed would say such a thing. Also, the way he talks to and about women...

And, if you do like it...well, that's your business and I'm not judging you. To each their own. But, I digress.

Back to the point, Lucifer even alludes to the fact that he has had sex with BOTH of Adam's wives.

My evidence:

How Lucifer won over Lilith:

How Lucifer won over Eve:

Now, I headcanon that Lilith, Eve, & Lucifer had a threesome type of deal going on.

Lilith does NOT seem traditional, & I don't know much about Eve from the show other than that she was definitely into sleeping with that little duck obsessed sexpot (aka Lucifer).

And why wouldn't they be into Lucifer?

Adam's first wife left him for how selfish he was in bed, Adam probably wasn't any better with Eve, and we know from certain hand/mouth gestures that Lucifer is a GIVER.

Maybe Lucifer was cast out of heaven because he taught the first two women that orgasms weren't just achieved alone, but they could happen with a partner, as well.

All of this has got me thinking:

--Either God kept purposefully making women that he knew Lucifer would be attracted to. Why? Idk, maybe to mess with Lucifer & Adam.

--Or, because of Adam's hubris & general blasphemous belief that people exist because of Adam & not because of God's own will, God made it so that every single woman Adam married would be attracted to Lucifer and Lucifer would be attracted to all of Adam's wives.

--Or, at some point, Adam made Lucifer so angry that Lucifer's type just became Adam's Wife.

Either way...

Which brings me to my main headcanon that if it is revealed that Lute & Adam were secretly married prior to Adam's death, then Lucifer & Lute might become attracted to one another.

Now, I don't ship Lute & Lucifer. I just think it'd make Adam mad, and that would make me laugh.

Scenario:

Lucifer: Wait...Adam got married for a third time before Niffty killed him???

Vaggie: Well, yeah, I thought it was pretty obvious that Adam & Lute were waaayyy closer than normal.

Lucifer: Huh...interesting...

Charlie: Dad, ew!

Lucifer: I didn't do anything!

Charlie: Also, Adam is a new soul in Hell, and he's at the hotel for redemption. Do NOT slow down his progress by antagonizing him like this.

Lucifer *innocently*: I have no idea what you're talking about, Char-Char.

Vaggie *clearly confused*: What's going on?

Lucifer *abruptly stands up*: Anyway, Daddy's got to go. He's got someone-oh, uh- I mean, somehwhere to do-be! He's got somewhere to be!

~Lucifer Skedaddles~

Vaggie *still cofused*: What was that about?

Charlie *embarassed*: Well...my dad has a type...

~After Explanation~

Vaggie: Oh. My. God.

Charlie *head in her hands*: It's so gross and weird!

Vaggie: Yeah, well, at least there's no way Lute will be in to him, too.

Charlie *sighing sadly*: I can only hope you're right. For whatever reason, Adam's wives find my dad as irresistible as he finds them.

Vaggie: Ew.

Charlie: Ew is right. Ew. Is. Right.

~Meanwhile, Somewhere in Heaven, Lute is talking to Lilith & Eve~

Lute: I hate Lucifer, and I hate you both, too!

Lilith & Eve: We know.

Lute: He's so stupid, and he's so obsessed with ducks, and he's so ancient. I mean, how old is he? Like, he's probably older than space and time, or something equally as lame. He's so old he probably even keeps bees or something.

Liith & Eve: MmmHmmm

Lute: I mean, he definitely looks like he's bee keeping age.

Lilith & Eve: *smugly know what's going on*

Lute *horrified*: Oh, no, I want to fuck Lucifer.

Lilith: No shit.

Eve: Welcome to the club!

This is Lilith, Eve, & Lute:

If any of you read the whole thing, thanks, and I hope you have a good one!

[angelbambifemme]

The "femcels" and "female manipulator" people are completely insane to me. Babe, it is not a flex to proudly admit that you're abusive and manipulative lol

I often find too that "femcel" is synonymous with "terf"

Funny how that works huh.

I may be a lesbian, but I don't *hate* men. I actually have quite a few male friends. Hell, even a few straight ones alongside bisexual ones. I genuinely enjoy the presence of my male friends and I'm not on the constant thought that they're going to assault me at any minute, nor do I even think for a second that they have a crush on me secretly. Even the single ones.

By the way, dismissing sexual assault or rape by saying "Eugh, it's just men being pigs like always!" just makes it completely impossible for that individual man to take responsibility for his actions, cause it's apparently just "the norm" and therefore should just be disregarded as "boys being boys" and not "this man is a rapist"

Sure, I understand being a woman or just general feminine person that fears men because statistics show that man on woman rape is more common, but this doesn't automatically render *every* man a rapist, nor does it make them responsible for another man's predatory actions. It also frustrates me how much women raping men gets invalidated and disregarded because "he probably wanted it" because she is a woman. This is not fucking true. Just because he's a man, doesn't mean that he necessarily craves the attention of women every second of his life. This goes the same for women abusing men; whether it be emotionally, mentally, or even physically. They're called "girlbosses" when they're really just being an abusive piece of shit for no good reason.

The way that women breeching their boyfriends privacy is such a normalized thing is honestly disgusting, too. If a man simply doesn't wish for his girlfriend to check his phone and go through his messages, it's automatically assumed that he's cheating or having an affair. If it was the opposite way around and a man did this to his girlfriend, he'd be shamed and called a red flag. BOTH are red flags. If you're so insecure that you feel the need to violate your partners privacy because you're so worried about them cheating on you, then that just goes to show that you do not trust your partner and therefore don't love them that much. Relationships require TRUST, and if you cannot trust your partner; you should never be in a relationship.

I don't allow my girlfriend to go through my phone without permission. She doesn't allow me to, either. No, it's not because we have anything to hide or we're cheating; we just have boundaries and respect for each other's privacy. I personally have extreme trauma with my privacy being violated as a child in the name of "protecting" me and "monitoring" me. Now I don't feel safe to leave my phone or any devices on in the same room as someone because it makes me stressed out to think that they may look through my photos, messages, etc and see things that weren't meant for them. I.e private conversations between friends where they may be venting or spilling private information that they intended for only you to see.

My partners are both completely understanding of this and don't look at nor go through my devices without explicit permission from me.

Anti-man rhetoric is so highschooler-core and I wish it'd stop. Grow the fuck up. You're not cute for being an abusive, manipulative dickhead. The women who say "all men are rapists and and abusers" I just wanna ask, how come all of my straight, single male friends haven't raped, abused or assaulted me? 🤔 How come they're very normal human beings whose only thoughts aren't constantly about having sex? How come some of them are asexual? 🤔 Gee, really makes you think...maybe you should just try having male friends who aren't abusers. Problem solved.

Misandry is just as disgusting as misogyny. Both are equally bad. Period. Fuck femcels.

[vivianleighwishesshewasme]

Changretta's Mate-Daddy's girl

____________________________________________________________

Daddy’s little girl

_______________________Luca’s Pov________________

Detroit wasn’t Luca’s favorite city but to be fair it wasn’t his least favorite either. It was fine, especially for quick business. Several Italian families had promised to meet with him and all the alliances seemed to be going well.

A rival Sicilian gang close to where Luca had been born was the most interesting meeting of the day. They had approached him at breakfast in a diner with his men all around.

They had a deep seated hatred for the Purple gang.

After their intimidation tactic on Caroline in New York, he wasn’t exactly fond of them either.

It was nice to catch up with fellow Sicilians though.

“How's your wife Mr. Changretta? I went to school with her.” Lorenzo, that had been his name, he was heading up the gang here in little Sicily Detroit.

Luca thought he was fine up until he asked about his former school mate, Luca’s mate. He knew why it bothered him, he missed her, she was pregnant and he hated being away from her.

Lorenzo wasn’t coming off like a creep or like a forlorn school crush. Just normal small talk.

“ She's very pregnant and energetic.” Luca replied. He could ask if they’d been friends or dated but he thought better of it. He was a jealous man by nature but he knew she loved him more than anything and she was a good faithful women.

He’d lucked out with her.

“ I remember when my mate was pregnant. I swear, she’d rearrange furniture and get on a ladder to adjust pictures and things on a daily basis. I’m lucky I survived with her trying to give me daily heart attacks. “ Luca chuckled with him.

“I can relate, I think she's rearranged the nursery about a hundred times. One day it’ll be perfect.” He laughed thinking about her latest melt down on the pain color not being warm enough. It was beige, he hadn’t realized there were so many shades of beige let alone cold tones or warm tones.

“ After the baby comes. That’s when they get too tired to change anything around.” The other man smiled warmly. It was nice to have a conversation that wasn't about babies, gangs or politics right now.

He was beyond excited to be having children with Caroline. He had been doing just fine till he met her, but life seemed to have more meaning for him now, like he’d just been waiting.

“Babies, she's having twins. Doctor picked up two heartbeats on the last visit.” Luca had been stunned when she’d told him that and showed him the little paper confirming two.

“When you start you just go all out huh?” Lorenzo laughed as did Luca. It was true, his mate and cousins had made the same joke.

“Twins run on her side. She’s not amused when I pointed that out.” Luca hoped the next kid they had was a single pregnancy. He was so excited for the babies but two, well that was more than anticipated the first time. He wondered how chaotic his house would be the first few years…or the next eighteen years.

“I was surprised you came down with her pregnancy and her father visiting. Must not like your father in law huh?” Lorenzo’s little brother Antonio had addressed him now. Luca side-eyed him and grabbed a cigarette. I needed to process this information. I hadn’t known but he couldn’t show that. I was a boss, these boys were foot soldiers, I couldn't lose my cool or seem like I didn’t have an idea on what was happening back home. Don’t need a little upstart seizing an opportunity.

I smiled but I knew it was more like baring my teeth. Before the meeting I just got off a phone call with my beautiful mate. Antoni better be fuckin jokin, for her sake too. I hated secrets.

____________Caroline________________________________________________

“Mrs Changretta, there is an older man at the door for you. Claims he’s here for a visit.” Our maid, Yvonne, a pretty little brunette, stood by the couch after delivering the tea to Audrey and I.

I exchanged looks with my mother in law. I wasn’t expecting anyone let alone a man. Something wasn’t sitting right.

“Dante?” I called for Luca’s nephew and now my body guard since he’d taken Matteo with him to Detroit.

“Yes, Mrs. Changretta?” He stood at 6’1, tall and broad. He couldn’t have been Luca’s twin. Roman nose, dark thick hair and green eyes. I swear, he was the younger version of my mate.

With how amorous Luca was with me, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’d had kids prior to me, however I doubted he wouldn’t be a part of their lives so I let my thoughts go.

“ I told you, we're family, it's Caroline.” I smiled tightly. I was more irritated today than usual. I felt like a blimp to be fair and the twins were boxing with my organs. Not helping my mood I'm sure. Every time I tried to stretch, Audrey would scold me and tell me not to move too much or they could get wrapped up in their umbilical cords. I swear, people forgot I was a nurse on a daily basis. We were going to be fine.

“ Go get a name from the man at the door. He waits outside until we know who he is.” Audrey smiled and nodded dismissing him. Gosh, I loved this woman. She was a godsend for me in New York. I think I knew more about her at this point than her own son did. A fact that annoyed my man endlessly.

“ Ugh, I'm going to pop, I swear. It’s going to be all babies and pasta.” I laughed with my mother in law at the absurd visual. Seriously though, I was over pasta. I just wanted bread and sweets, which my husband made sure were made or arrived daily from my favorite bakery downtown. I was a spoiled princess and I didn’t mind one bit.

Dante came jogging back, we weren't that far from the door. Audrey and I glanced at him wondering what the rush was.

“Mr. Turner, Noah Turner. Said he’s your father.”

I sat on the couch stunned for what felt like hours. I rubbed my stomach praying the babies would settle down. I did not want to see him alone, without Luca. This was trouble two times over. I could feel it.

“Dante, get his phone number for wherever he’s staying. I need to talk to Luca first, I may meet up with Mr. Turner later.” I heard the porciline chip as my mother in law slammed her teacup down in disbelief. He was still my dad even if I hadn’t spoken to him in several months. I wanted to know why he suddenly cared and why.

“Caroline?!” I shuttered knowing I was in for it by the elderly woman when my father left. I was still an adult.

“Luca first I said.” I said firmly. I was suddenly annoyed by everyone who was suddenly questioning me in the room.

Luca was getting impatient. He’d told her the plan a hundred times. He’d call when he was in the hotel room and about to leave. He’d been right on the nose with his time down to the exact minute. He could see the tension in his hand, his veins getting more pronounced under the black hands tattooed on him.

He understood she was getting heavily pregnant. Lots of trips to the bathroom and naps but come on. There were phones in literally every room of the apartment. Surely she was by one though and if he knew his mother, she was probably there visiting with her daughter, not daughter in law, she hated that title, saying they were closer than that.

“Oh God, is no one at that fucking apartment?!” He slammed his hand down on the table making his men jump. They were packed and ready to check out.

He was hoping to be back by tomorrow sometime. Driving straight through. He didn’t want to be away from her anymore then he had too in her condition.

“ Hello, Caroline speaking.” Relief flooded his body causing him to actually shutter. Thank God she finally answered. He could feel anger and tension draining out.

“Hey, I’m headed back. Anything exciting happening over there?” He was glad he was finally hearing from her

“Yeah, my dad showed up. I sent him away. When will you be home?” She sounded tense, scared and far away. He could tell she was upset. This is why he didn’t want to travel right now but he had needed to neutralize the threat. The hit would take place tonight. Luca didn’t need to be there since the New York Mafia technically wasn’t involved. It didn’t hurt that they provided some weapons and ammo to aid the Sicilian but that was neither here nor there to him.

“Yeah, I heard, I met up with your old school mate Lorenzo. He mentioned that your father went to New York.” The anger was returning causing his throat to ache. He wasn’t mad at her. He was angry at her father, he hated his family being threatened and he was worried about her.

“Lorenzo, I haven’t spoken to him…I don’t even know, since graduation.” She laughed, easing him up a bit. He could relax if she relaxed. They feed off each other's emotions through the mate bond. She’d honestly probably knew she was upset before he called.

“I’m on my way home, no meeting until I get there, yeah.” He didn’t know why he’d said it. She was one of the smartest people he knew. She could handle herself.

“Yeah, I love you.” She whispered lovingly into the phone. He smiled, feeling glad he was headed back to New York.

“I love you to baby.” He hoped Lorenzo won, he didn’t want to come back to Detroit anytime soon. Not without his girl.

[drarrily-we-row-along]

The Mortifying Ordeal of Being Known (Part Three)

Draco was itching to see Potter, desperately curious to know what he might learn next about the other man.

And, if he was being honest, a bit desperate to see if Potter would let him touch him again. Nothing untoward, just... it had felt nice to let his fingers tangle in Potter's curls, to know that his hands were helping instead of hurting.

He found himself, for possibly the first time ever, leaving early to arrive at Potter's house for movie night. The normal hum of anxiety, making his skin a hint too tight, seemed to have been reduced to a mere pinprick in the trips of his fingers at the prospect of learning more about Potter.

When he showed up in the living room, Potter was nowhere to be seen. Casually, he greeted everyone who made eye contact on his way through, heading to the kitchen, hoping to find Potter there.

He pushed the door open, and there he was, standing on the other side of the island, working diligently at several different spreads of food. "Gin, can you grab the olives from the-" he said before looking up and seeing Draco standing there. "Draco," he said in surprise and something pleasant flared in his stomach at the sound of his name in Potter's mouth, "err. Malfoy," he corrected, trying to look anywhere but at him. "Sorry. I thought-"

"I can help," he said, moving toward the cupboard and pulling down the can of olives.

"You're a guest," he argued.

Draco shrugged, "I'm woefully single and," he added, lowering his voice and raising an eyebrow, "Ginerva and Pansy seemed rather busy when I walked through a moment ago."

Potter groaned, "not the mental image I needed right now." He shook his head, "Well, if you don't mind would you grab that punch bowl from the counter?"

"Still hung up on Ginerva?" he asked casually as he moved to get the red punch bowl for the other man.

"Pfft," Potter snorted as he set out the juice, ginger ale, and gin on the top of the island. "Don't be ridiculous. We're friends, when I say she's like a sister to me, I genuinely mean it."

He hummed, something easing in his chest at the admission, he wasn't going to look too hard at that.

"What about you and Pansy?" Potter asked, glancing up at him before going back to measuring liquid in the punch bowl.

"What about us?"

Potter lifted a shoulder, "Ever feel like you might want that again?"

"With Pansy?" he asked incredulously. "Disgusting."

Laughing, Potter replied, "you didn't used to seem to think so, all that lounging in her lap and having your hair stroked."

"Potter, I don't know what I have ever done to give you the impression that I am attracted to women. Aside from being a touch and affection starved teenager, apparently."

At that, Potter looked up at him, blinking a few times, "You're gay?"

"Yes?" he replied. "I thought literally everyone knew that." He glanced down where Potter was still pouring gin into the punch, "You're overflowing your bowl," he said.

"Huh?" Potter asked, still staring at him uncomprehendingly.

"Your punch bowl," he said, nodding at it, "You're overflowing."

Potter followed his gaze, "Shit," he gasped, ceasing pouring and casting a quick charm to clean up the spill.

Draco cleared his throat uncertainly, it had been a long time since he'd felt anything akin to embarrassment about his sexuality.

"Sorry," Potter said, glancing up at him. "I didn't mean to-"

"You apologize a lot," Draco commented.

Potter tilted his head, "I put my foot in my mouth a lot," he said.

He chuckled, "I suppose, but you also apologize for existing."

His jaw clicked shut, clenching. "I don't know what you mean."

Draco realized that he'd stumbled onto something seemingly sensitive without exactly meaning to. "I mean," he said carefully, "That you've apologized to me for being surprised about something, for having basic human needs like someone to help with all of the work of hosting a party every week, for not knowing who was walking in your kitchen, for telling me about your life as though it's some sort of burden-"

"You sound like my therapist," Potter said, shoulders tense. He avoided making eye contact and Draco felt his heart twist uncomfortably.

Potter had been honest with him, had handed Draco little bits of himself like a gift. Taking a deep breath, he decided to return the sentiment with a little vulnerability of his own. "Yes, well," he said, voice light, "I've spent enough time with mine to know what one sounds like."

The other man tilted his head at Draco, "I didn't know you saw a therapist."

"No one does," he said with a shrug. "But I needed to," he continued. "I was really fucked up after the war, still am if I'm being honest. He helps me straighten out my thoughts, you know? Get things into order a bit."

Potter nodded, "Yeah. I get that."

He gave the other man a tentative smile, "So," he said, intent on changing the subject, "What needs to go out there?"

"Oh, none of it," Potter said, waving a hand. "This is all stuff to refill later. Sometimes we get busy playing games or I don't want to miss the movie," he hurried to add like his needed an excuse. "Plus at the beginning of the night, I feel like I'm intruding," he added, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Oh come now, Potter," he teased, "Don't you simply love being the third wheel?"

The other man laughed, "Or fourth in the case of Ron, Hermione, and Blaise."

"And who doesn't love the lectures about putting yourself out there more?"

He nodded, "Or the pitying, 'you're next.'" he added with a shudder. "Merlin I hate that."

"So, instead of enduring their advice and pity, you were hiding in the kitchen-"

"I wasn't hiding!" he protested, but he was laughing, eyes bright.

Draco continued like he hadn't been interrupted, "-and doing what exactly?"

"Daydreaming," Potter replied, a little shyly, tipping his head down and glancing up at Draco from under his eyelashes.

"Anything interesting?"

Potter shook his head, "Never. They're all terribly mundane-"

"Tell me?" he asked softly, barely daring to hope the other man might because the truth was that both of the daydreams Potter had given him had made him feel more feelings than he could even name.

He tilted his head again, looking curiously at Draco. "There's this one I have in the kitchen a lot, actually," he said, voice soft, wrapping Draco up in the cozy, casual intimacy of a soft confession.

Draco sat down on the stool across from Potter and leaned his chin in his hand to listen.

Bemused, Potter continued, "It's just this daydream of him coming into the kitchen, seeing that I'm working on something that I'm not particularly enjoying, and putting his hands over mine. Sometimes it's dishes, or cooking, or cleaning up, or prep work," he said gesturing to the counter full of things to be brought out later. "But he gently empties my hands and holds them in his as he turns he around to look at him."

He said nothing when Potter paused, waiting with baited breath for him to complete the picture.

With a little shake of his head Potter continued, "I expect that he'll kiss me and I lean my body into his to receive one but he just pulls me into his arms and dances me around the kitchen. We sway and turn to music that only he can hear and I don't mind not being able to anticipate where he'll lead. It's nice just to be held and cared for," he finished with a little shrug.

"You've got a lovely mind," Draco murmured, because it was true and he really enjoyed hearing about the ways that he daydreamed.

"It's a trauma response," Potter replied, matter-of-factly.

"Sorry?"

He shrugged, eyes on Draco's left ear as he said, "I learned how to dissociate when I was pretty young. I was always trying to imagine a better world than the one I lived in as a child," he added. "So I just got good at imagining things that made me feel better."

"What were you trying to dissociate from?" he asked as the door to the kitchen opened.

Potter's attention snapped away from Draco and to whomever had just entered the kitchen, "Hi Blaise," he said with a smile. "What are you looking for?"

"You, actually," he replied as he sidled up next to Draco. "We were wondering about getting a game of Exploding Snap going?"

"Yeah," Potter said, grinning at him, "No problem. I'll be out in a sec to get the cards."

Blaise rapped his knuckles on the table, "You're the best," he said with a wink before he disappeared.

Potter turned to look at Draco, "Sorry-"

"Why?" he interrupted.

"Why what?"

"Why are you sorry?"

His brow furrowed as he looked at Draco, "I just trauma dumped on you."

"You didn't," he replied. "Why are you sorry?" he pushed.

"Because I spent five minutes talking about a daydream that wasn't even based in reality."

"I asked you to," he replied steadily. "Why are you sorry?"

"Why are you pushing me?" he asked, hands on his hips as he scowled at Draco.

He shrugged, "Because I want you to stop apologizing for being a person."

"I-"

"Harry!" Ron bellowed from the other room and Draco could have strangled him.

"For Merlin's sake," he hissed under his breath. "Yes, coming!" he called. "Fine," he snapped at Malfoy, "I'm not sorry. Is that better?"

"Much," he replied with a smirk.

"You're impossible," Potter replied but the corner of his mouth was turned up in a pleased smile.

He nodded, "I know, if you ask Pansy it's probably one of the reasons I'm single," he said with a wink.

Potter picked up one of the bowls of chips, "Really?" he asked. "I find it rather charming," he said before pushing his way out into the living room.

Draco had to stand in the kitchen and pick his jaw up off the floor before he found himself able to leave the kitchen and join everyone else.

-------------------

(Part Two) | (Part Four)

[atimeofyourlife]

Don't misplace your anger

day 18 | rated: t | wc: 755 | prompts: REVENGE | Unreliable Narrator | Loss of Identity | “I see what's mine and take it.” | cw: assault, violence, mention of catfishing | ao3 Buck thought that everything with the catfish was over and done with. But another unhappy victim confronts him at a scene and wants her revenge.

Buck was happy everything was going back to normal. The catfishing issue seemed to have resolved itself, no more angry women had shown up at the firehouse accusing him of ghosting them. Hen was happier having settled things with Karen. Bobby was in a better mood, but none of them could quite figure out why. And his probationary year was quickly drawing to a close. Sure, it would be better if Abby was there, but he knew how important it was to her to honor her mom by traveling.

But then it all had to go south at a scene.

A car had lost control and crashed into a barrier, causing injury to the driver and passenger. But it was only a single car accident, and they were able to get both people out with minimal effort. So while Hen and Chimney were assessing the patients, Buck was on crowd control. It was a fairly easy part of the job, keeping curious onlookers at a safe distance so they wouldn't interfere.

One woman in the small crowd kept glancing at Buck, then turning and whispering to the man next to her. Buck wasn't sure what to make of it, but just brushed it off. In the year he'd been with the fire department there'd been plenty of instances where members of the public would start whispering to each other about him while he was just trying to do his job.

"Evan Buckley?" He turned to see the woman now stood in front of him.

"Uh, yeah. That's me. How can I help?"

"You're a creep, Buckley." She slapped him hard across the face. "Leading on girls and getting them to tell you all sorts of private information. Then deleting your account like a coward."

"This shit, again." Buck groaned. "I'm sorry that happened to you, but that wasn't me."

"So there's another LAFD firefighter out there with the same name who looks exactly like you?" She scoffed.

"No, my identity was stolen. Some guy saw me on tv or something and decided to use my name and photos to get women to talk to him. Then he died. The accounts were shut down because they were fake." Buck explained desperately. He glanced over his shoulder, hoping he could get someones -anyones- attention, but everyone else was caught up in their jobs. No one was looking in his direction.

"You really expect us to believe that?" The guy beside her asked, flexing to show how big he was. "No one gets to treat my little sister like that."

Buck instinctively stepped back, turning his head to shout for help. "Cap-" was all he got out before the guy's fist hit him in the side of the head, sending him to the ground. He wasn't able to react fast enough before his head hit the ground, hard.

"You need to pay for what you did to her and all the other girls." The guy straddled him and rained down punches, to his head, his chest, his stomach. Only stopping when physically pulled away by Bobby and several of the onlookers.

"Buck, Buck." He was aware of Hen's voice as she started checking him over. "Buck, come on. Open your eyes, talk to us."

"Hurts." Buck mumbled, peeling his eyes open a little, before screwing them shut again against the light.

"No. My brother did nothing wrong." He could hear the young woman screeching. "He was just defending me from that asshole who ghosted me."

"Catfish strikes again, huh Buckaroo?" Chimney asked.

"Ugh." Buck groaned. "Think 'm gonna-"

Hen and Chimney were quick to roll him onto his side so he could throw up without choking.

"Both have been arrested. Athena will want to grab your statement once you feel up to it." Bobby said, coming over to join them. "What's it looking like?"

"Concussion, there's light sensitivity, and he's bleeding from the head. Vomiting, with a small amount of blood. There is some tenderness in the chest and stomach, but we can't know more until he's been checked out at the hospital. Vitals are looking good, though." Chimney explained as Hen fixed a c collar around his neck.

"They going to get the book thrown at them?" Hen asked once Buck had been loaded into the ambulance.

"Athena will make sure of it. Wanting revenge for something that he wasn't involved in isn't any defense. Especially when it's on record that he's a victim of identity theft." Bobby replied. "They're in a heap of trouble for this."

[bustyasianbeautiespod]

Episode 65 Transcript: Ewwwwww!

[intro guitar music]

G: Hello! My name is Grey.

C: And my name is Crystal.

G: And this is Busty Asian Beauties, a Supernatural commentary podcast where I, someone who's seen this show several times...

C: And I, someone who only knows the show through social media, discuss every single episode of Supernatural from start to finish. Also, we are both Asian.

G: Both Asian! For today’s episode, we will be discussing Season 4, Episode 5: "Monster Movie," written by Ben Edlund, directed by Robert Singer.

C: Huh. I didn't notice any terrible zooms this episode, did you?

G: Well, they were running off a certain-

C: Doing a certain style, yeah.

G: Yeah, a certain style, certain format. So it was like, they were definitely having fun, but they were not experimenting, so- which is what I would, you know, [laughs] describe Robert Singer's zooms. [C laughs] They are, in fact, experiments.

C: Yeah.

G: Yeah. This episode is not that good. [both laugh]

C: And this is also a weird episode to have followed "Metamorphosis," as we discussed before recording.

G: It is. And it's also just-

C: Ideologically confused as fuck.

G: Yes. For an episode with a gimmick- First of all, I want to say this episode, as I said, has a gimmick, but it is so bad [C laughs] that you forget it. Like, the gimmick itself, is like, a bit overwrough, and like, the episode itself is trying to say things and then immediately taking those things back.

C: Yup. Yeah.

G: And also just terrible. [C laughs] It is bad. It is a bad episode.

G: Yeah, my main takeaway from this episode is like, "Wow, people back in like, I don't know, the earlier 1900s or whatever were so brave for watching black and white movies, because I could not tell what the fuck was going on half of the time." Also, I would love if Ben Edlund was normal about women sometimes, but, alas, it will never occur.

G: Yeah. It sucks because it's like- I don't know, for context, we didn't record for 2 weeks, so like, this is our reunion episode [C laughs] after 2 weeks. And I just feel like this is not a good episode to come back to, you know? It's-

C: Yeah.

G: Yeah. The- Ben Edlund, I don't know. Why do we like this guy? I mean, why do people like him? I suppose he wrote good Cas episodes.

C: Did he do "The Man Who Would Be King"?

G: Yeah. We'll get there some day.

C: I was entertained at times, I guess. But like, it was just ultimately very frustrating.

G: It was actually like, very easy to figure out what they were trying to do early on, which is fine.

C: Yeah. At minute 14:28, I had the answer. I noted down the timestamp.

G: Yeah. She was the monster. I don't know. So in a way that's fun. It's fun to be like, "Ooh," you know, "I figured it out." But that's- the fun does end there, very much, so.

C: Yeah. I thought maybe it was a genre thing that it was so fucking obvious who the monster was. Like, maybe like, in older movies, it was really easy to figure out the mysteries. But like, maybe it's also because in 2008 they were like, "Changing gender? That's not a thing!" So who knows?

G: Anyway, so what did you know about this episode before going in?

C: So like, before, like, May 5 or whatever, all I knew about this episode was that it was in black and white, there were vampires in it. and it was considered like, a fun episode. And then, on May 5, my mutual draculagerard was liveblogging it a little bit, and like, everything that he was saying was like, just stuff like, "What the fuck is wrong with Supernatural’s ideology?" [G laughs] blah blah blah, "Supernatural is like, yeah, monsters are redeemable. Yeah, most of them don't want to do this and would choose a life otherwise. Yeah, we're actively implying they want to be better. Yeah, we could write a redemption. Anyways, shoot them." is a post that I saw on May 5. And I was like, "What the fuck is 'Monster Movie' about?" [G laughs] And yeah, no, it's about both of those things.

G: It truly is. Well, the only thing I remember from this episode is that there's gonna be a Dracula figure, and Dean's gonna be tied up into an- what do you even call this? :ike, an elevated bed? I have no idea.

C: Yeah, like, I don't know either.

G: Yeah. It's a standing contraption. Well.

C: Well.

G: Let's start! [laughs] Let's get into it.

C: Alright.

-

G: So this episode doesn't have a "Before" sequence because, you know, obviously, they're trying to do something. [C laughs] And also, nothing they could show is gonna be relevant because this is an irrelevant episode, so yeah. No plot happening whatsoever. Anyway, like, it starts off with like, a Warner Brothers logo. You know, very classic cinema. I say. Well, to be honest with you and everyone who is listening, I am not a film person.

C: At all? You're more of a film person than I am.

G: Yeah. I find it very, very, very difficult to watch movies. So I have no idea what any of these are. And also, I hate horror. [both laugh] Which is why I chose to start a Supernatural podcast.

C: Yeah. 'Course. I don't think I ever watched a classic film movie ever. Like, I've not seen a black and white movie ever. So for all I know, like, Supernatural came up with all of these tropes and all these like, film techniques by itself. Like, how am I to know?

G: You know, I have watched black and white movies. You know. Andrei Tarkovsky? [laughs]

C: No. I don't know anything.

G: He's like, I think he was Russian. So the movies are Russian. And I liked to watch Russian movies back in my day.

C: Okay.

G: Back in my day. When I was like, you know when you're 15, and you're like, "I will suffer through this movie that's incomprehensible to me."

C: And someone tells you they love you-

G: What? What are you talking about?

C: You said "when you're 15." I'm referencing my beloathed enemy, Taylor Swift.

G: Ughh. It's so horrible. Well, I hate it. Thank you very much. [C laughs] I watched a couple of Tarkovsky movies, and then I watched The Godfather, which is actually a very spectacular movie. I did love that.

C: Wait, The Godfather's in black and white?

G: No, it's not. [laughs] But it's a classic. It's a classic.

C: Yeah, okay.

G: Yeah. That's my defense. So like, I don't- I've never watched a Dracula movie, a mummy movie, a werewolf movie. I've never watched any.

C: Yeah. I'm not even subscribed to Dracula Daily, which is, of course, the newsletter that the book Dracula is based off of.

G: It's the one where it's like, it sends you the letters at the same timeline, right?

C: Yeah, yeah.

G: That's pretty cool.

C: And there's a podcast called like, Re:Dracula that I think is happening on the same timeline right now, and I've been meeting to check it out because Johnny Sims voices one of the characters, but I have not bothered to yet.

G: Why are we trying so hard to not talk about this episode? [both laugh]

C: 'Cause it sucks! [groans] Whatever, let's just do it. Whatever.

G: Yeah, yeah. Sam and Dean are- like, the music- like, first of all, the screen does the whole, like, "Let's show all the writers and directors and producers," and it's in a black and white. It's all in black and white. And as it pans down, we see, like, the Impala going through the night. And there's- the music is like, scary music from a classic monster movie. But we go to the Impala, and we realize-

C: Wait. Did you notice that they drive past a sign called "Welcome to Pennsylvania," and then there's like, a lightning flash, and then the "Penn" turns to "Trans" so it says "Transylvania."

G: Ah, that's horrible. [laughs]

C: Yeah. My notes are "Noo the Penn turned into Trans...come up with good joke about this before recording." [laughs] I did not come up with good joke about this before recording.

G: Yeah. Unfortunate.

C: Sad.

G: Well, what I wanted to say first of all is that the music was coming from the Impala, which like, that is- I thought that was actually very funny.

C: Oh, yeah, I love a diegetic music.

G: The concept of like, you're just driving down the road in the middle of the night, and the radio's like, "dun-dun-dun-dun," I think that's very funny.

C: Yeah.

G: Yeah. Anyway, it's Pennsylvania. And Sam is reading like, case files inside of the car, and I was hit with the realization that there is, in fact, no overhead flashlight in these old cars. So like, Sam, had to hold like, a flashlight-

C: Oh. [laughs] Oh my god.

G: - a small flashlight over his- over the shit that he's reading because it's the middle of the night. You know what? I've been saying that I want like, an old car in the future. This has completely changed my mind. [C laughs] I need a car with an overhead light. That is my only condition.

C: Yeah.

G: Anyway, the case is apparently like, a very basic vampire case. It's like, "Yeah, there's wounds on the neck, there's no blood. And the witness is like, 'Yeah, it was a vampire.'" And Sam shows a little apprehension over the whole hunting down just some vampire while the world is ending. But Dean is like, "You know what? We can't do anything about that. [C laughs] So might as well do this."

C: Yeah, they haven't referenced the apocalypse since 4.02. Like, that's insane. They took a detour to be mad at Sam for doing nothing wrong for 2 episodes.

G: Yeah. And also, like, I find it so interesting that at this point they were like, trying to hide the fact, like- the reason why Dean wants to go to this case is because it's like, in an Oktoberfest area. [both laugh] And he's like- He doesn't mention this. He's like, "You know what? We're saving the world." [C laughs] And then immediately the next scene is like, "Let's party, baby!"

C: Yeah. Yeah. Oh, Dean.

G: He is so annoying this episode.

C: Yeah. He also makes a joke about how they're taking a "straightforward, [overlapping] black and white case." [G laughs] Yeah. [flatly] You're soo funny and soo meta, Dean. Wow.

G: Which is funny in that, you know, the fact that it's a black and white episode. But also, like, the implication that this is a black and white case morally [C laughs] is so funny to me.

C: Yeah, yeah. Sure is.

-

C: So we cut to town, and as you mentioned, it is Oktoberfest, and the camera is mostly just on women in like, barmaid outfits that, like, show off their boobs and shit. And Sam and Dean get out of the car, and they're making conversation. And I actually did like this part where Dean says that they have to see the new Raiders movie, and Sam says he already saw it, and Dean goes, "Without me?!" and Sam goes, "You were in Hell." and Dean goes, "That's no excuse." But like, they're both like, being quite lighthearted and jokey about it, I feel like. Like there wasn't like, baggage around this. And I think that that's fun. Like, yeah,  when terrible things happen, you do joke about it lightheartedly with your sibling.

G: Yeah.

C: Yeah. And also the Raiders movie, I think it was- Is it Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Arc? That's the only thing that came up when I looked up "raiders movie."

G: Well, I suppose it is that. The only- what's Tomb Raider? That's like, the girl, right? [laughs] The video game character.

C: Oh, you mean Lara Croft?

G: Lara Croft, yeah. But that's a video game.

C: I think that's a video game. Let me check what year Raiders of the Lost Arc came out. Huh. No. The first one is from 1981, but then there's- is that a new one? Are there more of them? Okay, there's an Alien Raiders from 2008, and there's a Treasure Raiders from 2007.

G: I don't know these movies.

C: Whatever. Who give a shit.

G: Whatevs.

C: I hope Sam went with Ruby. I hope they had like, a popcorn date.

G: Real!

C: Yeah, so-

G: Do you like going to the movies?

C: Yes. Do you?

G: You do?

C: Yeah.

G: [laughs] There was a time in my life where I went to the movies every week because I am a person with a disability, and, you know, one of the perks of that in my city, like, pre-pandemic, was you can watch movies like, every Wednesday for free. So I was like, "You know what? I'm gonna take advantage of this-" what would you call that?

C: Perk.

G: Benefit? Whatever. "I'm gonna take advantage of this perk." And I went for like, an entire month, every Wednesday to the movies to the point that I knew the people who are also gonna go, because, like, it's every Wednesday, and it's like people with disabilities and senior citizens. So it was like, it's me and the grandmas who were watching. [C laughs] And like, I knew them. I was like, "Hey, it's me. We're watching the movies again." And then around the fourth time I watched a movie in the cinema, I was like, "I don't even want to do this."

C: Oh no! G: "I hate this, like, actively." So I've never gone to the movies since.

C: Wow. Congrats on realizing that about yourself. [G laughs] Maybe I would hate going to the movie theater if I went less- or if I went more often, but I feel like I only go twice a year. I don't know. It's fun to be in a dark room with a big screen. And also like, it's fun on the way that a concert is fun where you get to experience it with strangers who also laugh at the parts you laugh, and it's fun to assess like, what gets people going and what doesn't get people going in the room. So- I don't know. I like it.

G: I have also never been to a concert. [laughs]

C: So real.

G: So yeah.

C: Yeah. So Dean gets both of them some big pretzels. And then a hot woman, awooga-awooga, [G laughs] walks by and says hi to Dean. And like, Sam and Dean have a shot where they're both like, gawking at her, and then the camera, aka Robert Singer, does like, a pan up from the legs situation for no fucking reason. And this woman's name is Jamie, and she becomes relevant to the rest of the episode but has no personality or life outside of anyone.

So they see the sheriff and introduce themselves, and he takes them to the morgue where the victim whose death they're investigating is. So her name is Marissa Wright, she's 26, and, you know, the cop says something about how "Oh, this is such a terrible thing to happen during tourist season." [G laughs] And, you know, Sam snarks at him a little bit about it. And what they see is that the bite marks on her neck are just like, two like, exactly two circular puncture marks which are a lot cleaner than most vampire bites in Supernatural. The cop says that this killer is probably some kind of "Satan-worshiping, Anne Rice-reading gothic psycho vampire wannabe."

G: I know a lot of those people. [both laugh]

C: Yeah. Was this like, around the time of Satanic panic or something?

G: Is it?

C: I feel like Supernatural mentions Satan worshipers, at least in earlier seasons, way more often than I would assume it would come up in any actual crime. I don't-

G: That's fascinating. I mean, was there like, an era in the United States where that was like, a concern by many?

C: Yeah, okay, it looks like it was mostly the 80s and 90s during which the Satanic panic was happening. But I'm sure there were ramifications into 2008. Yeah, people were- I don't know the exact details. But yeah, people were like very, very like, "Oh, like, this preschool is teaching our children to worship Satan" and stuff about like, just the randomest shit. Yeah. And the cop also directs them towards a witness named Ed Brewer, who he calls unreliable.

-

G: So Sam and Dean go to the bar.

C: Yeah. And the thing about them going to a bar is that I've been so like, Supernatural-deprived and so playing Disco Elysium for the past, like, few weeks because we had a break, that like, as soon as I saw them in a bar, I went like, "Noo! Harry Du Bois, your sobriety!" But no, neither of these people are Harry Du Bois, and they are not focusing on being sober right now.

G: So Sam and Dean walk into the bar, as we said, and the bartender, Jamie, is like, "Oh, it's you guys." And Dean starts flirting it up. Like, he says, like, "Oh, I remember you," and then he looks over at her nametag, and he's like-

C: Well, what he looks over at are her boobs, and her nametag just happens to be in the vicinity.

G: They were, in fact, in the vicinity. [C laughs] And he's like, "I never forget a pretty... everything." Ugh! I hate it!

C: He's so annoying.

G: Literally multiple times- no, because sometimes, like, Dean would do his thing, and I'm like, "Okay, he's doing it." [C laughs] And then this episode, I literally was going, "Ewwwwww! I'm gonna scream!" [both laughing] Literally ew.

C: Yeah. I just- most of my notes this episode are just me saying, "I do not believe that Dean Winchester has ever managed to have sex with anybody." He has no game this episode, but it works?

G: Yeah, he has the face card, though, is the thing.

C: I guess.

G: Yeah. And Sam redirects their objective and says that they're looking for Ed. Like, they say that they're Feds and then Jamie is like, "Ooh, are you serious? You're seriously a Fed?" [C laughs] And then Dean says like- he leans forward, and he does like, this tone with his voice where he's like, all low and sensual, and he says, "I'm a maverick. A rebel with a badge. One thing I don't play by... is the rules." It is honestly so bad. It is so bad.

C: I don't know what he's trying to do. Like, this is clearly like, an act. Like, no one would read this as coming off as genuine. Like, why is he doing it?

G: Yeah.

C: Yeah, at least Sam's like, rolling his eyes behind Dean.

G: Yeah. Anyway, they end up talking to the witness, and the witness is like- What is this thing he's drinking from?

C: It's called a beer stein in the transcript.

G: Yeah. It's like a giant thermos. Like, you know, like, in the Philippines, I don't know if you have this in other countries, but there's like, a giant thermos where you put like, hot water, and if you're like, drinking coffee, that's where you get your water. Yeah. And it it looks like that, but it has beer. So the guy's like, a little bit intoxicated, and they do a thing throughout where like, if he's feeling tense or he's about to say something he gets the giant mug, or, I don't know, the beer stein, and then drinks from it. But yeah, anyway, he's saying that like, "Oh, I told the cops everything, but they didn't believe me." And Sam and Dean are like, you know, doing their usual "Don't worry. We'll believe you." And then he starts talking. He says that he was walking down the street, he saw this couple that he thought was making out, but the girl was struggling too much and the guy was biting her neck. And Sam was like, "Can you describe the man?" And Ed just goes, "Oh, he was a vampire." [C laughs] And Dean's like, "Okay... And by that, you mean...?" And he just keeps saying like, "I mean, he was a vampire." Like, he was very adamant. And then finally, he describes what the vampire looks like, which is that he has fangs, and he has slicked-back hair and a cape, and like, a little medallion. And Dean goes like, "Okay, so this guy is Dracula?" And Ed goes, "Yeah. With the accent and everything." And then he does the accent that he says like, you know, "Stay away-" I can't do the accent. I'm so sorry.

C: I don't want to try it.

G: I can do many voices in this podcast, but I am very bad at accents. But yeah. He's like, "Oh, what? You don't believe me?" And we cut to Sam and Dean, who are just staring at him.

C: Yeah.

-

C: And then Jamie and Lucy are chatting - Lucy is the other bartender - and watching what's happening. And Lucy mentions that Ed Brewer has a crush on Jamie and therefore tips her in $20 bills. And then she does this thing where like, she takes a napkin and, like, puts it between her lips to like, leave a lipstick mark. And I thought this would be more relevant to the episode than it was. Like, It's relevant, but like, barely. I thought that it was like- it had to do with like- I don't- I think my theory around this point was that Lucy was a witch and that this had something to do with- like, her lipstick had something to do with what was happening. But yeah, that's not really the relevance of that.

So then Dean comes up to the bar and then he starts flirting with Jamie again. Sam notices the lipstick print, which I guess is important. And then he and Dean just say, like, "Okay, like, this is definitely not a real vampire. This is just like, some goth murder person." And Dean goes, "Okay, yeah, who cares?"

G: They're like, "Well, we're supposed-" Yeah, they were like, "I guess we should leave, then. I mean this guy did murder someone."

C: "But that's not our thing." Yeah, I'm just- this does annoy me a lot, because, like, we already knew this, but it makes it very clear that, like, their work, is not about the harm that's wrought. It's about how they think that as a human, they're allowed to be judge, jury, and executioner for anything that's not human.

G: Yeah.

C: And like, it's good that they're not being like, cop vigilantes in a human-hunting sense, but like, it's still annoying.

G: Yeah.

C: Yeah. So Dean's like, "Let's not go because it's Oktoberfest, so let's just hang out here as more murders happen." And he goes, "There's beer and bar wenches." And then Sam like, pulls out his like, Gender Studies 101 textbook and goes, "Pretty sure women today don't react well to the whole 'wench' thing, Dean." And then because Ben Edlund is a person who exists [G laughs], like Dean like, he yells at Jamie, "Hey, barwench! Where's that beer?" And she like, shoots him a winning smile, and is like, "Coming up, good sir." So like, this was just Ben Edlund totally pwning the feminists by showing that women do like to be called outdated, demeaning terms. Good job.

So she comes to the table with Dean's beer, and Dean makes like, a joke about how Sam doesn't drink because he's a Christian Scientist, which I guess is- what? Like, him just trying to knock out the competition before it's too late? And then they flirt more-

G: [laughing] I hate- I hate the whole like- I hate that so much. If you're flirting with someone and that person responds, "You're funny," like, get the fuck out of there. [both laughing] Is that mean? Is that mean? Is that a mean thing to say?

C: Uh, yeah.

G: It's such an annoying thing to hear, and like, hearing it here, I was like, "Ah, fucking hell."

C: Yeah. Yeah. Dean goes, [douchebag voice] "I'm a lot more than that. I'd love to get a chance to show you the rest."

G: Ew!

C: "I want you to look at my peepee soooo bad! [G laughing] What time do you get off?" But then, you know, Jamie rejects him, Andrea-style, where she goes like, "Yeah, no. Like I said, you're funny." And then she goes away.

And then we have the famous scene where Dean says that since he came back from Hell like, without any of his scars, and all of that, he's a virgin again. He has been re-hymenated. And my note here is, "Diversity win! This trans man is misogynistic." [G laughs]

G: It literally is.

C: So yeah, Sam's like, "Okay, fine. Go get de-hymenated or whatever. I'm gonna go to sleep." And, you know, Dean tries with Jamie again, but she says that she can't because she's having a girl's night out with Lucy. And like, she also says, like, "Oh, like, no self-respecting bar wench lets herself get picked up by a customer on the first try." [groans] I'm so bored, I'm so bored, I'm sick and bored and tired. And then, you know, the scene ends with Dean saying that the case isn't weird enough for him, so he's probably gonna skip town. So they have to fuck tonighttt.

G: Jamie keeps on calling him G-man throughout this episode, and I did find out that that meets "government man," and it's like, US slang. That's fun.

C: Oh. I didn't know that.

-

G: Anyway, we're outside, and there's a couple. They're making out. And it's like, the guy is like, trying to get it on while the girl is like, "Well, I don't wanna. I don't wanna." And she's saying that like, "Oh, what's that noise. It sounds like there's a werewolf outside." But the guy is like- ugh, he said something that I thought was so annoying, and by annoying, I mean, like, genuinely so terrible. He was like, "Oh, when like, a man like, doesn't get to fucking come or whatever, like, he becomes like, sick in the head and everywhere else." Fuck this guy.

C: Yeah. Yeah, no, this is- yeah. It's bad. It's very bad. I'm glad he dies. [laughs]

G: I literally am glad he dies. But yeah. The girl keeps on noticing that something's coming up, and then the noises start getting louder, and then the guy pulls away to say, "I have told you. There are no wolves in Pennsylvania!" [C laughs] and then, the moment he says that, a werewolf body reaches into the car, takes him out, and I guess, I don't know.

C: Tears him to pieces.

G: Eats him? Yeah.

C: Yeah. Also, I looked up the "there aren't any wolves in Pennsylvania" thing. There's a wolf sanctuary in Pennsylvania [G laughs]. I'm sure there are like, wild wolves, too. But I mean, this guy's full of shit, anyway, so I think that that was just another of his full-of-shit sentences. Yeah, and- the bit of the werewolf we see is just like, a human with claws, covered in like, fur. And okay, question. In the past, when we've seen shapeshifters, they've only taken the form of like, existing people, right? Like, can they actually turn into anything? Or like, do they need like, a bit of your DNA -

G: Yeah.

C: -  or something? Okay, so they can turn into anything.

G: No, I think they need your DNA.

C: So how did this shapeshifter turn into a werewolf?

G: Actually, maybe they don't need the DNA. Maybe that's the guy who was like, doing the sleeping thing. The dream thing.

C: Oh, right right right. Yeah, Mia could turn into anyone if she had, like, a photograph?

G: Yeah yeah yeah. Yeah, I think so. Yeah.

C: Okay. Well, let's see. Supernatural Wiki says that shapeshifters are monsters that can take the form of any human being. This isn't a human being.

G: I mean, people have said this. People have said this before, but like, even the size difference. Like, you shift to a kid, to an adult. Like, where does the mass go or come from?

C: I don't know. Though I guess we learn later that the shifter like, has been using a lot of Party City props, so maybe they were like, fully just in a fursuit.

G: Exactly. Yeah.

C: Yeah. We have like, a scene where Sam and Dean are asking the girl, Anna-Marie, some questions. They have a comedy bit throughout the scene where she's like, got like, a slurpee that she's like, drinking very loudly from. Unsure why. And, you know, she explains that, you know, a werewolf came and tore boyfriend into pieces. And it's the same thing with Ed-

G: I understand that they're doing a comedy bit, but I was like- I don't know. I was annoyed at the levity that they were treating this tragedy [laughs] that happened to this woman. Yeah. But like, okay, fine, whatevs.

C: Yeah, they were laughing at her the whole scene.

G: Yeah. They are.

C: So, you know, Dean's like, "Can you describe the creature that got your boyfriend?" And, you know, just like with Ed, she goes like, "Oh. It was a werewolf. Like, yeah, it was a werewolf. It had a furry face and a black nose and claws, and [laughing] the torn-up pants and shirt." I did find the torn-up pants and shirt funny. And she says, "Like from the old movies," which is our first hint, sort of.

So Sam and Dean go to the morgue, and they're like, "This is fucking weird." And they get out Rick's body bag, and yeah, he really was just torn to pieces. There's just like, entrails and goop in there. And they notice that there's bite marks right down to the bone, but the heart is still there, so this isn't a werewolf the way they've encountered them before. And this also isn't like, a human killer dressed up as Dracula because of the bite marks. And the sheriff comes in and confirms that there were wolf hairs found on the body. So, you know, confusing shit.

G: Yeah. In this scene, Dean goes like, "I'm getting a headache," and then he raises his hand like, to his head as if he is getting a headache. And I was like, Oh, you can see his ring!" And you can.

C: Nice.

G: And then I looked down at my head to be like, "Oh. I have the same one. [C laughs] It's in the same finger." Whatever. [both laugh]

-

G: So Sam and Dean are back in the bar, and they're talking to each other about what's happening. You know, they're just having a regular conversation about the case. And Jamie walks in, gives them both a beer, and she acknowledges that they're staying because of the whole Rick situation, like, the guy who died via werewolf. Yeah. And she says like, "Oh, by the way, I get off at midnight tonight, so... I'll see you tonight." And yeah. Now they have a date.

C: In the background, we see Lucy doing her lipstick thing, and this is minute 14:28 at which I was like, "Oh, she's the monster."

Also, the whole time, Sam and Dean are like, joking about this case, which they do very often. But it's like, two people have died, and like, for an episode whose like, ending message is like, "Oh, it feels good to be hunting again, because we can help people," like, they sure do not seem to give a shit about helping people.

G: Yeah, they don't give a shit about anyone. Our next scene is inside of, I guess a museum, right? This is a museum. But it looks like a prison. There's there is a guard who's like, "Yeah, there's a ship-" he's on the phone, and he's talking to like, I guess, the head of the museum, like, "Why is there a delivery here? It looks Egyptian." And it's so funny because he's like- you see the sarcophagus that is in there, and it literally is like, fucking like, so dusty and everything. [laughs]

C: Yeah.

G: You know what I mean. So like, you see that, and I don't think you think, "Oh, this is a delivery for the museum," you know? And also, [overlapping] it's a museum of American history. Yeah. But, you know. You never know. So, he like, turns around for a bit while talking to- on the phone. And then the sarcophagus starts to open, and we see a mummy getting out of it. And then the guard turns around, sees this, and then he gets choked up against the wall. And this scene where he gets choked up against the wall, actually, you know what? I like it. Because you can see the way his tongue is like, choking him. It's cool.

C: Yeah. Right. Also, I did a quick research into how mummies became part of horror. So it seemed like earlier mummy fiction actually like, was like, they like, cast mummies as like, romantic figures.

G: Love that.

C: Probably like, because of Orientalism, though. [both laugh] Love that.

G: Wait, how does that work?

C: Like, you know- what do you mean "how does that work"?

G: How is it a romantic figure?

C: I don't know. Like, just like, I don't know, like, you dig them up, and they're like, a hot lady or something. [laughs] I don't know.

G: Oh.

C: Yeah. But then, apparently like, when like, Carter- Howard Carter found the tomb of King Tut, it was like, some financial backer of the expedition that got a mosquito bite that got infected, and then they died. And everyone was like-

G: "It's cursed!"

C: "It must be because of the evil Egyptian curses!" And then it seemed like, after that, to sell more papers, several newspapers took Egyptian writings and deliberately mistranslated them to make it seem like they were casting curses on people. So then Hollywood was like, "Oh, this is fun. Let's do horror about it." But yeah, I think all of it does definitely play into Orientalism.

G: So Sam and Dean are here, they're investigating, and Sam finds a sticker under the sarcophagus that says - what does it say? - "FX Shop Prophouse, Philadelphia." And Sam was like, "It's from a fucking prophouse!" and Dean is like [laughs], "Yeah. And there's also a bucket of dry ice inside to make, like, fake smoke," [C laughs] which I love and appreciate.

C: Yeah. That is really fun.

G: This guy said, "I'm gonna DIY everything here."

C: Yeah. But I'm not gonna bother taking the tag off.

G: Yeah. Don't give a shit. Yeah. And Sam's like, "Oh, what the fuck is going on?" And Dean is like, "I'm late for my date. So bye!"

C: "I don't care that a third person has died. Time to get it on."

G: Yeah, it's so- the levity that they treat every single death in this case? Astounding.

C: Yeah.

-

C: So we have Jamie, who is a woman alone at night, past midnight, standing outside in a town where three murders have occurred, because that's what people do. So, you know, it turns out Dean's like, too late, so she starts walking home. But then a fucking Dracula appears and is all like, [attempted Transylvanian accent] "Good evening." [G laughs] So-

G: Love that.

C: He starts following her and calling her Mina and saying that she's like, a reincarnation of his beloved. And she's fumbling in her purse, and then she gets out her pepper spray and gets him with it. And then, as soon as she gets him with it, like, he drops the accent, he drops like, the way of talking. He goes like, "Son of a-!" So, you know. We know that something's up there. And then Dean comes in and sees the situation and says like, "Son of a bitch." And Dracula like, says something about how "he shouldn't use such language in the presence of his bride." And then there's like, a brief fight scene where Dean yells at Jamie to run, and she does. Which I love. Like, literally, who give a shit. And at this point, Dracula calls Dean "Mr. Harker" and Jamie "Mina" again. And then more fighting. Dean manages to rip off Dracula's ear, but then Dracula escapes by jumping over a gate. [both laugh] And he gets on a motorcycle and drives away.

G: It's not just a motorcycle. It's like a Vespa. Or, I don't know. I don't know what it's called. It's like- moped. It says it's a moped. But like, it's like a small motorcycle. I don't know.

C: Yeah. He looks very fun.

G: I don't know anything about motorcycles. All I know about it is that the lesbians have motorcycles, and you know what? Good for them.

C: That's true. Good for them. It does make them hotter.

G: During like, pride in here, like in Manila, [laughs] there's always like, someone who's like, "Oh, the lesbians are here with their Mios" [both laugh] with, you know, Mio being like, a brand of motorcycle. And I love that.

C: Yeah, happy for them.

-

G: Jamie and Dean head to the bar to like, I don't know. Decompress. And Sam comes in, Dean shows him the ear and the belt, and he makes Sam feel up the ear. And at first I was like, "Is it silicon? Is that why?" But no, it's just- it feels like the shifter skin. Which, like, fascinating that they know what that feels like. Isn't it just the same? Don't you feel like it's just the same?

C: I don't know. Like, is it slimier or something?

G: Yeah, maybe. I have no idea. I don't recall them ever touching it directly.

C: Well, it was all over the place in 1.06. I'm sure they touched it at points.

G: Yeah, I suppose. Yeah. And the ribbon that Dean pulled out from the guy is also from the same prophouse. Yeah. And so now they've connected Dracula and the mummy, and, I guess, the wolf guy as well. And Jamie like, pops up and says like, "Oh, so you guys are like Mulder and Scully? Are the X-files real?" And Dean is like, [seriously] "No. The X-files is a TV show. This is real." [both] He's so annoying!

C: He's like, still trying to like, get it on. I feel like all of his sentences are like, "I'm so cool. Do you want to fuck me now, even though you almost get killed by a Dracula?"

G: I feel like this is the point where you're like, "You know what? Let's give it up." [C laughs] Like, the spark has died or whatever. Let's just stop now.

C: Now's just not the time! Let's move on!

G: It truly is not, yeah. And they figure out that he's trying to recreate everything, and Mina is someone from- is like the woman in the Dracula movies.

C: No, Lucy is the woman in the Dracula movies.

G: And Mina is the-

C: Jonathan's like, wife. I mean, both the monster in this episode and Sam seem to be going off of the movie version, where Dracula clearly like, often is portrayed as having, like, romantic and sexual inclinations towards Mina, but in the books, he only like, tries to turn her into a vampire and shit as revenge, for, like, her being part of the team trying to hunt him down

G: Fascinating. We have a Dracula expert in the house. [laughs] I'm sorry.

C: We have a person who read a Wikipedia page and a Reddit thread.

G: Which is honestly what you all- that's all you need to be an expert [both laugh] at this day and age. It's all you need. Yeah. Anyway, they figured out that like, this shifter has fixated on Jamie, so they're figuring out who can be that person. And Jamie says, "I don't know. I mean, maybe Ed because, like, he was here like, a month ago, and Lucy keeps on saying that he has a crush on me." And-

C: The most obvious red herring of all time.

G: Yeah. She tries to defend him and say that like, "Oh, he's, you know, he's a nice guy. I don't think he would." And then Sam and Dean are just like, [seriously] "No. [C laughs] He's the guy for sure." And the other red herring is that he works at an old movie theater so like, "Oh, he likes old movies." Whatever. Who give a shit. [laughs] And then Sam leaves, and Jamie and Dean are left alone. [C groans]

-

C: So they're talking a bit about the shapeshifter, and I was like, "This is a shifter episode. At what point do they reveal that Jamie is actually the shapeshifter?" But they don't do any of that, and I think that makes sense for the personality of the shifter in this episode. Like, there isn't really deception going on. Just theater. So, you know, she asks the thing that, like, every woman in every Supernatural episode asks. Like, I'm pretty sure Sarah said this exact same thing. Where she's like, "Oh, so this is what you do? Like, the two of you just go across the country on your own and fight horrible nightmares?"

G: It's so- It's so fucking unreal. Like, this is like, so fake. [C laughs] You know what I mean? If somebody tells me monsters are real, my knee-jerk reaction wouldn't be "Oh my god! How about you? [C laughs] What's your life story?"

C: Yeah. I'd be like, "What the fuck? Are there ghosts in my house? Am I gonna die?"

G: It's just so unrealistic, and the whole like, she's like, "Oh, wow! Like, your life sucks."

C: "Oh, you're so lonely. What if I make it better by letting you fuck my tits, baby?" Like, what is happening?

G: First of all, like, telling someone that they're lonely- I mean, you know how I feel about this. It's such an impolite thing to do. [C laughs] Do not tell people how they should feel about their life. Yeah, like, it's such an unrealistic conversation. And I hated every second of it.

C: Yeah. So Dean's doing the posturing thing where he's like, "Yeah we do. Isn't that so cool? Aren't I so cool? Don't you want me so bad?" But, you know, she goes like, "No, actually, that must suck, like, 'cause you're giving up a life for this terrible responsibility."

G: [laughing] Who give a shit?

C: Yeah.

G: I'm so upset that they characterize Jamie like this. Let Jamie be a person!

C: Yeah. And like, Dean's face falls- Yeah, like, I take back everything I said about Sarah therapizing Sam in "Provenance," because at least in that, like, part of it was about her mom's death, so she had, like, skin in the game, like, there was some kind of a development of her character through that conversation. We don't know a single fucking thing about Jamie. Like, nothing. Nothing at all. She is literally just here to therapize Dean, and then later she like, gets to therapize Dracula a little bit too before she kills him. So sick and tired.

So Dean says like, [mocking voice] "Oh, you know, like, a few years ago I did start thinking that this was a terrible responsibility. But then I had like, a near death experience, and like, ever since then, I've realized that I help people. Which is why I've been making fun of every death that's happened in this town so far, and skipping out on the case to have sex. I don't just help them. I save them." I'm fucking sick of him. I hope he dies. Put him back in the ground. He calls it "awesome," and then he says that he feels like it's a mission from God, which I think is such bullshit, because, like, every time he's talked to Cas- Okay, well, actually, I take it back. In like, 4.02, Cas is like, "Who give a shit about hunters, who give a shit about saving people, whatever." But then in 4.03, I guess Cas is the one who's saying like, "Don't you care about saving people?" So I guess Dean could sort of read that as like, God being pro-hunting, but like, that's a long stretch. I don't actually believe that he believes that he's on a mission from God. There's nothing in the past to like, at all support that.

G: Also, the only also the only reason why they put this line here is so that the next line can make sense.

C: Yeah. [laughs]

G: Ben Edlund thought of a conclusion to the scene, and he was like, "Well, how do we get to the conclusion?" It's so annoying.

C: Yeah. And- yeah, yeah. So, you know, Jamie, because she's not a person, goes like, "So that does that make you like, some kind of monk? Like, celibate?" Even though Dean's been like, every second he's seen her, he's been going "Why don't I put my dick in you right now, please please please please?" She still says that line. But I guess it's like, a flirty line or something. And Dean's like, "Man, I hope not." And they start making out. But then the lights turn on. Thank god. And Lucy is there. And, you know, she's like, "Oh my god! Like, sorry for interrupting you." She says that she came back to get a bottle of alcohol,for like, a date back at hers. But Jamie's like, "No, it's been a crazy night. Please stay for a drink." And then Dean makes a face, and I couldn't tell if it was like, a "stop interrupting my hookup" or like, "ooh, chance at a threesome" face. What did you think it was?

G: No, it was an annoyed face.

C: Okay. Then yeah, he's like, annoyed. And he was like, "Yeah, fine. You can stay for a drink."

-

G: And Sam is in the movie theater, and Phantom of the Opera is showing, except it's not because inside, there's just a guy, and he's just playing the piano. And Sam like, creepy-crawlies towards the guy, and then the guy figures out that someone's behind him. He turns around, and is like, "Ahh!" and Sam just points his gun at the guy.

C: Yup. Yeah.

G: He's like, [dramatically] "You know what you did." And Sam's like, trying to grab his ear.

C: Yeah.

G: And at some point, you know, the ear just stays there, doesn't come off. And Sam says, "It's supposed to come off," and Ed says, "No, it's not!" And I love that. And then Sam has this like, super apologetic look in his face. Like, the same one that he had-

C: In "Sin City."

G: - that he shot those guys with the-

C: Holy water?

G: What did he shoot them with? He shoot them with the holy water, right? Which is a funny-

C: Well, I think he had a loaded gun, and then he splashed them with holy water.

G: Yeah, I think so. But this guy, he just pointed like, a silver bullet to this guy, just because.

C: It was funny in "Sin City" because, like, there were two guys there, and they weren't that afraid of Sam, I feel like. They were just like, "Oh, you're robbing us. Wait, we're calling the cops." But like, here, with Ed, it's just like, "Ugh. This sucks."

-

C: So back at the bar, Jamie is clearly way more intoxicated than she was earlier, and Lucy does her napkin thing again, and they're sort of telling the story of what happened. But then Jamie starts passing out, and Dean finds that his vision is also swimming while Lucy is staying like, completely sober. So he realizes, "Oh, she's poisoned us somehow." And he punches her, and she falls over and like, her jaw sort of like, dislocates in a way. And then she like, shoves it back into place-

G: She relocates it. [both laugh]

C: Yeah. Right, which is like, "Oh, she's a shapeshifter for real." And Dean tries to attack her again with a bottle, but then he passes out, and then we get a shot like, from the ground up where Lucy stands over him and says, "And.. scene." and then stomps on him. So true.

G: Love that!

C: Yeah. So Dean wakes up in like, a lair. He's strapped to- whatever you called it. The transcript is calling it an upright table. And also, like, they've put him in-

G: He's wearing- yeah-

C: - like, an Oktoberfest-

G: German boy outfit. [both laugh]

C: Yeah, like, little German boy who gives into the cave of blüntensmoken. [G laughs] What was the point of that? I love it, but like, why?

G: What? Putting Dean in the blüntsmoken outfit?

C: Yeah. Like, it's not part of a movie script. Like, it's not like Jonathan Harker was running around in his blüntsmoken outfit. I don't think he's German.

G: You know what? It's fine. Like, it's really funny, and like, they do a thing later where Sam's like, "What the fuck are you wearing?" You know, it's fun.

C: It's fun.

G: This is like, the better part of the episode. [both laugh] Dean wearing this. Yeah. Just him being in a little German boy outfit.

C: Good for him. So he sees that there's like, a portrait inside this lair of a woman who looks kinda like Lucy. So Dracula shows up and says that he, like, took her form after the actress who played like, the third bride in one of the- in the first Dracula movie. And he used her to like, look among the humans for his reborn bride or whatever. And Dean's like, "Oh, okay, so like, you actually believe that you're Dracula or something. Like, what the hell was up with the mummy, then?" And Dracula says, like, "I am all monsters." And yeah, Dean says, you know, "Life isn't a movie," and the Dracula says like, "Well, life sucks, and it's small, meager, and messy. And the movies are grand, simple, and elegant. So I choose that." And he says that like, of course he had to do murder, because that's the genre. It's a monster movie. But unlike most monster movies, it's going to end with him getting the girl and electrocuting the hero. And I did think that after the scene, he was gonna take Dean's form, but again, like, it makes sense. Like, it's not his style to do that. So he doesn't.

So there's like, this big comedy lever on the wall to electrocute Dean in his like, upright table thing. But before Dracula gets the chance to do that, the doorbell rings, and he, like, leaves the lair. And like, turns out he just lives in a nice suburban house, and he just built this somehow. On what budget?

He opens the door, and there's a pizza delivery boy. And, you know, he's like, doing his funny Dracula thing, and he's like, "Thanks for bringing like, a repast. If you continue to be of such service, your life will be spared." And Dracula does a thing where he's like, "Tell me, is there any... garlic on this pizza?" And, you know, the guys like, "No." [G laughs] And it ends with him asking for the payment, and Dracula going like, "Of course, yes. But I have... a coupon." Which I do think was funny.

G: I thought that was funny.

C: I did enjoy that part.

G: I did think it was funny. Yeah.

-

G: And, you know, Sam goes back to the bar and notices that Dean and Jamie are not there, and he's like, "Okay, I'm gonna call Dean," and he leaves a voicemail saying that, you know, he knows that Dean left with Jamie, but it's not the guy, so they're gonna figure out who the guy is. And then he notices the bottle on the floor, the the empty seats, and he notices the napkin with the blotted lipstick on it. And, you know, one way to know that you have never worn makeup or consumed makeup content is the fact that you don't know the word for "blot." [both laugh] Like, you don't know that that's what it's called, like, blotting your lipstick. I thought that was very funny that every single time you said it, I was like, "Aw, Crystal has never watched a beauty tutorial in any way, shape, or form."

C: I'm not- Wait, so what's the blotting for? Like, to reduce the intensity of the color?

G: It's like- No, no, no. It's just to remove, like, the excess so that it stays like, matte for longer and it doesn't displace as much. So if you're like, drinking, for example, on a cup or a mug, doesn't transfer to the mug.

C: Okay. Got it. Cool. Thank you for this educational opportunity.

G: Yeah. I don't use it anymore because I'm like, not a lipstick person anymore, which is very sad because I used to be the person who like, wears black lipstick to school. [laughs]

C: Nice.

G: Yeah. But now, alas, it is not the vibe.

Well, Sam figures out that it's Lucy because of the lipstick blot napkin, and we go to Dracula's lair. And Jamie is like, in a bed, and she is in a room that's very, you know. It looks like she's in a castle type situation. And Dracula is like, "You're awake. The gown... wear it." And Jamie is like, "What the fuck is happening? What did you do with Dean?" And he keeps on saying like, "Put on the gown, we have pizza." And Jamie starts the whole, like, "What is wrong with you?" And like, "You made up Lucy. You pretended to be my friend." She like, starts saying that "You could have just talked to me, but you have become this, like, what's wrong with you." And she says, like, "I don't want to play your game. I just want to go home." And then Dracula just yells, like, "Put on the gown." And she does.

Sam is like, outside, and he's entering at this point.

C: We're like, back to Jamie wearing the gown, and she's like, quite afraid at this point. Like, the Dracula starts- he starts looking regretful and shit. And he drops the accent. He's like, talking in like, a normal guy voice. [G laughs]

G: Well, normal American guy voice.

C: By which I mean, an American guy voice, yeah. I guess by normal, I mean he sounds very like, everyman like, Midwestern- or I don't even- I don't think Midwestern is actually the accent, but like, it's like, an American accent that I can't quite place, and it's very like, I don't know, just-some-guy-ish.

G: Yeah, I get what you mean. Like, it sounds like a generic American accent.

C: Right, yeah.

G: Like, the type that you can't even put the location on, like, a specific state or whatever.

C: Right, like British people doing American accents in movies and stuff. So-

G: Yeah. He's on that Tom Wambsgans beat. [C laughing]

C: Yeah. So he says something about how like, "Oh, I'm sorry for scaring you. You're the only one I don't want to scare." And then he goes like, "You know, I used to love the movies." And Jamie says like, "You can't make the movies real." And he like, gives a speech that's like, supposed to be touching but like, doesn't really get there from me at all. Where he goes like, "Real is being born this way. Different. Real is having your dad call you monster. It's the first time you hear the word. And he tries to beat you to death with a shovel-" which, that part does suck pretty bad. And he says that he like, tried to run and hide, but like, no matter what, he was found out and attacked and called a freak and a monster. But then he like, found monster movies, and saw how like, in their movies, the monsters were strong and feared and beautiful. Like, okay. Like, shapeshifting is like, genetic, right?

G: Yeah. Maybe he got it from his mother.

C: From his mother, yes, but like- I guess maybe, like, if his mom was like, a cis woman and his dad's a cis man, then, like, I guess maybe he could have knocked her up, and then she like, went and like, left him. I just don't see how they could be in a committed relationship for like, the nine months of pregnancy without him knowing that she was a shapeshifter, you know?

G: Yeah.

C: So yeah, it's some kind of a complicated situation.

G: Yeah. Do you think there's like, a queer allegory to look into this?

C: Probably?

G: When he was saying this, I thought about this- I don't even recall who said it. But like, somebody saying like, the reason why queer people love horror movies is that, you know, there is this aspect of like, alienation to the queer experience, and it's like, "There's relatability here" and blah blah blah blah blah. I'm sure many scholars have looked into it. The queerness of horror.

C: Yeah, probably.

G: I unfortunately do not frequent like, going into Google Scholar for media analysis anymore. But yeah.

C: Yeah. I think that there could definitely be a queer reading of this, but I feel like they definitely write this character as very much like, a cishet man despite him taking Lucy's form at some points.

G: Yeah. It's like, yeah, fascinating to me that, like, when I was watching this scene, I was like, "Okay, sure. If they kill this monster at the end of this, it would be absolutely hilarious, though." [both laughing] And then they did! They literally did.

C: And they did! Right. Yeah. I guess the thing that I find most interesting about this speech, it's like, okay, in our other shapeshifter- our other main shapeshifter episode, "Skin," like, we basically have the same thing where like, the shifter has a woman like, tied up, trapped, and then, like, is like, doing like, a sympathy speech. But like it's like, I feel like what we're supposed to get from that, like, what the Supernatural writers want us to feel is sympathy for that specific character. Like, I don't feel sympathy for this specific character. But what this speech does make very clear is that, like, there are some monsters in Supernatural that, like, they've written to have a biological need to kill people to eat, or because they just are innately violent, whereas like, shapeshifters very clearly-

G: Yeah.

C: - like, it's just socialization that does it. It's just like, them being cast out from society that causes them to kill people. They're just like, regular guys with an extra power that makes it easier for them to murder. So that's that's interesting enough. And, I don't know, I've been listening to a fiction podcast called Monstrous Agonies, which is like, the format of it is that it's like, an advice show for creatures of the night, and it's set in a world where, like, monsters used to be like, hunted and oppressed, but now they're like, a protected minority class, and have been like, incorporated into like, outside society. And it does like, make me sad when I watch Supernatural and see shit like this because it's like, if they didn't keep shapeshifters shit secret, because, like, "Oh, we're hunters, and we can't let like, civilians deal with the fear or whatever," like, this guy would probably be fine. Like, all of them would probably be fine.

Yeah. So, and then because Jamie is not a person and she's just here to make men feel better, she goes like, "Oh, wow, that sounds lonely."

G: No, I don't think it's- I don't think that's the vibe. I think she was like, angrily, like, being like, "Oh, yeah, you're commanding and terrifying? Well, you're also lonely. So fuck off."

C: Yeah, I guess. But she's also here to be the audience to his sympathy ploy-

G: She is.

C: - which is quite annoying. And he's like, "Well, but now I have you." And, you know, she goes like, "Ever think that maybe you're lonely because you kill people?" And then we have an absolute clunker of a line where he goes, "Or I kill people because I'm lonely." But because that's the line that we end this scene on, like, that's what the writers want us to think, right? Even though it's a total clunker of a line. Which makes him being killed right after this quite confusing ideologically. [G laughs]

G: Yeah. I mean, there- let's get into it when he dies. But I have some thoughts, yeah.

C: Okay. And then we hear a sound, and, you know, Jamie starts going like, "Dean! Dean! Like, come, rescue me," blah blah blah. And then he like, hits her over the head to knock her out, which feels very "Metamorphosis" to me the way it was like, Jack, like, had a conscience and was holding back, but then, like, in the last second, he was like, trying to eat Dean, so that gave Sam an excuse to like, jump in and kill Jack, and like, "No matter what, all monsters are the same, and like, they'll eventually give into their nature" or whatever.

G: What's fascinating is that they also show him doing this and then exhibiting like, remorse on his demeanor.

C: Yeah, right after, he goes like, "Oh, shit, I- ugh." So yeah. At least there's that, I guess.

-

G: Yeah. And so Sam finds Dean in the dungeon. He unties him, and then like, jokes about his outfit, and Dean's like, "Shut the fuck up!" And they enter, like, further into the set. They find the bedroom.

C: A fun set detail is that one of the doors that they open, it looks like a double door with like, you know, those iron circular knockers-

G: - But it's just a single door.

C: It just has one hinge. Like, he just like, carved it like that to make it look cool.

G: Yeah, I love that. Sam comes in first and then attracts the Dracula, and Dean comes in and then attacks him. And then I don't know. Like, there's a gun somewhere. Dean tries to reach it, but it doesn't happen, and then eventually, the Dracula gets shot by the silver bullets in the chest. And he turns around, and it's Jamie.

C: Yeah.

G: And, like, at least it's Jamie. [both laugh]

C: Yeah, at least.

G: At least it's Jamie.

C: Yeah, she has full rights to do this.

G: Yeah, and like, the shape- the shifter was like, "Wow, it was beauty who killed the beast." And he goes into like, a little monologue where he's like, "No, Mina, do not weep. Perhaps this is how the movie should end." And this entire time-

C: Yeah, but the funny thing is after "Do not weep," Jamie makes a "What the fuck? I'm not gonna weep." face [both laugh], which I did find really funny.

G: Yeah. And it's a funny death scene in that he like, emotes throughout it where he's like, walking backwards to a chair, and then he falls into the chair, and he, like, dies in the old movie way, you know. And when this did happen, I was like, "Well, at least it was a death in his own terms." Like, even in his dying, he was like, "Well, it's like, this is how the movie should go." Or I don't know. I was just thinking like, at least it wasn't a death that was- Like, I understand that the guy's a monster and like, killed several people [C laughs], but it's just completely fascinating what they do.

C: Yeah.

G: Like, "Have empathy for this guy, but not too much! And don't think about the other monsters who did not kill people and are still hunted down and persecuted. Don't think about them too much."

C: Right.

G: It's just a lot for an episode that is pretty much a throwaway episode.

C: Yeah. And I don't know, it's just the idea that, like, you're completely beyond rehabilitation if you kill someone? Like, I don't think he wants to kill any more people. Like, he probably wouldn't if you got him some support. But like, nah. Sorry dude.

G: Yeah.

C: And then we cut directly to a Dean and Jamie make out.

-

G: They're making and Jamie is like- they're still flirting. And Sam is just on the side [C laughs], like, trying not to watch. And yeah, it's like, this entire situation where they say goodbye, and then Jamie just, you know, as a final way to move on the emotional thesis of the episode, goes, "You guys saved my life, you know? So thanks." And then leaves. And that's the last-

C: She's the one who shot! They didn't do jack shit besides provide a gun.

G: Yeah. And then Sam and Dean are like, "Wow. It feels good, right? [C screams] Like, saving people, like, this happy ending. Hero gets the girl, monsters die." And he said, like, "The shifter had a point. It would be nice if life was a simple movie."

C: Yeah. And also-

G: And like, I don't know. Wild.

C: Fucking annoying as shit.

G: Ah!

C: The fact that they bothered to like, have the whole like, "feel some sympathy for this guy" scene, and then, immediately after, they were like, "There was no moral grayness here whatsoever. This is so good. Yay. And also, we definitely care about saving people, and that's what we do things for, even though we clearly did not care at all this entire episode." Also, it's like, you know, we've talked about like, the ickiness of like, them hooking up with-

G: Yes.

C: - the damsels in distress of the episode. And I was like, "Okay, for this episode, it's not that bad, because at least they were like, attracted to each other before that." But the fact that it ends with Jamie being like, "Thanks for saving my life"-

G: Yeah.

C: - does make it seem like when they finally did fuck - which I guess did happen because Dean calls it a "happy ending with a happy ending," meaning he's orgasmed at some point - it was like, in the context of like, "You saved me from being raped by that monster, so now I'm going to fuck you." And that sucks.

G: Well, I mean, that's pretty much it.

C: Wait. We need to talk about how Dean's ideal movie life is Porky's II.

G: I have no idea what that is.

C: So Porky's I is a sex comedy set in high school that involves, like- I don't know. There's a scene where, like, a teacher tries to yank a student's dick off or something? But I think Porky's I is best known for a scene where the boys are spying on the girls in the showers, and, like, the actors, who I'm assuming are all adults, are like, shown like, nude and shit, and like, it's considered like, a sexual awakening dirty scene for like, people back in the day or something. Porky's II is a little more- I don't really know what Dean likes about it. [G laughs] The plot of it is that the same high school students are trying to put on Romeo and Juliet, but then, like, there's a church group that's against it because, like, they think that Shakespeare is like, indecent.

G: Of the devil?

C: Yeah. And then they get the fucking KKK to back them up because the actors, like, the actor for Romeo is Native and the actor for Juliet is a white girl. And then, like, the rest of the movie, is like, them, like, trying to take down the County Commissioner who's trying to take down their play by like, proving that, like, he and the other council members watched fucked-up porn in their meetings. [G laughs]

G: What is going on?

C: And also like, one of them, who's like, a high schooler like, agrees to go on a date with him because he keeps pursuing her, but like, she does it to like, ruin his reputation before the re-election by like yelling like, "Hi, everyone! I'm 17. I'm going on a date with County Commissioner Name, and also, he knocked me up." and saying shit like that. And like, it ends with like, them being able to put on the play, and like, also, like, a bunch of Native people like, viewing the play, and then, like, a Jewish character like, shaving the heads of all the KKK? And like, that's the movie- I don't really know what the appeal for Dean is here. [G laughs] Like, I know what the appeal of Porky's I is to Dean because he's a creep. I don't know what the fuck Porky's II is doing for him.

G: Well.

C: He's just an ally. It's just that he wants- he wants to be in a movie about being an ally.

G: He literally is.

C: Yeah.

Right, okay, one thing that I did like about this final scene is like, Dean going like, "Oh, you'll never be able to guess what movie I want my life to be." And Sam's like, "Yeah, I can. Yeah, I can." And then he eventually guesses right. And like, I think that is nice as part of the collection of like, ways that Sam and Dean do know each other and ways that they don't know each other.

G: Yeah.

C: Yeah. But unfortunately, it's this. [G laughs]

-

G: Okay, so, I mean, what are your thoughts for the general episode? I mean, it's whatevs.

C: It's- yeah. [G laughs] They sure tried to do the opposite of what themes and motifs are. [G laughing]

G: They literally- Well, what is our Best Line and Worst Line? For me, my worst line is probably the bar wench line. I just hate it.

C: Yeah, yeah, that fucking annoyed me. Anything that involves Dean and Jamie flirting, bad. Did not like it.

G: I would say I also- what's my best line? Well.

C: Like, I know there is a scene that they want us to give the best line award to, but like, I don't-

G: I like the "I have a coupon." [C laughing]

C: That's what I was thinking.

G: I actually did laugh at that line. That one's very funny.

C: I was thinking the "I have a coupon" or the part where she says that the werewolf has torn-up shirt and pants on. [G laughs] I thought that both of those things were very funny.

G: Yeah. Well, what's our next segment?

C: Spreadsheet.

G: Spreadsheet, right?

C: Well, there sure was a misogyny. Maybe multiple misogynies.

G: I would say the misogyny actually exceeds 2 this episode.

C: Yeah, I would say it is probably a 3.

G: Yeah.

C: Yeah. What the fuck was going on there?

G: And then racism. You know? I don't know. I don't think there's racism or homophobia here.

C: Yeah, I don't remember any racism more homophobia.

G: Yeah.

C: It like, flirts at racism with Porky's II and the mummy, but it just doesn't feel like enough for anything. So yeah.

G: Yeah.

C: Well.

G: Slaycation!

C: There we go.

G: Well, what is our-

C: IMDb.

G: - guess for IMDb.

C: I feel like people would find this episode generally amusing. Like, what did "Tall Tales" get? Like, I'd probably take whatever "Tall Tales" got and then subtract like, 0.2 or 0.3. [typing] "Tall Tales" was 2... 2 what?

G: "Tall Tales" was a 9.1.

C: Oh. Okay.

G: That is definitely not real.

C: I guess I'll guess a fucking 8...8?

G: 8.8?

C: That's definitely too high, but I already said it, I already said it, so it's too late.

G: You know what? I'm thinking a- well, an 8.1.

C: Okay.

G: Okay. Let's see. Oh! It's an 8.4.

C: Okay. So like, midway between ours, but slightly closer to yours.

G: Yeah.

C: Congrats.

G: Let's see the reviews. "It's a brilliant homage," "all time great episode," "one of my favorite monsters," "a high water mark."

C: Okay, where are the negative ones?

G: Where are the negative ones? There's "too old, too cold." "The opening scene of Supernatural Season 4 raised it to a whole new level. The second added missing details to the show's mythology. The third one was a great monster of the week episode. And then, like, this one is just a weird one that is completely irrelevant to the myth arc."

C: Oh, you said the show's mythology. I heard "the show's misogyny." [G laughs]

G: "Second, it's an homage to a parody of classic back and white universal monster movies, and it's just bad. Third, the pacing is slow." Yeah, I agree.

C: There's one with 1 out of 10, titled "please don't ruin the show." They called it- they said it "violated" Supernatural with a "stupid, dumb, and mostly irrelevant episode." There's three 1 out of 10 ones

G: "Literally the worst episode of Supernatural. If I could go back and never start watching this episode, I would." [both laughing] Love that!

C: God, so true.

This- one of these reviews says that "It's also genuinely funny, and the lead character Dean isn't as eye-rolling dorky Casanova as he tends to be in other episodes. His womanizing is, well, let's just say he's kind of cute and earnest this time around." No he's not!! Shut up!!

G: He literally is not. I think the only time he was cute and earnest was in like, [both] "Hollywood Babylon." And that was a solid two seasons ago.

C: [laughs] Yeah.

G: Okay. I think that's it for this episode of Busty Asian Beauties. Next week, [laughs] we will be discussing Season 4, Episode 6: "Yellow Fever."

C: What a great title. Wow. [G laughs]

G: You know what? It's the first Andrew Dabb episode.

C: Oh no. Isn't that the episode- didn't Eric Kripke apologize for this episode? [G screams] He was like, "I'm sorry! Dean would actually never do that. He's a hero!" I have no clue what happens in this episode. I'm looking forward to whatever Dean did that was so bad that Eric Kripke apologized for it.

G: Yeah. I mean, yeah. Leave us a rating or a review wherever you get your podcasts. C: Follow us on social media! We are on twitter at twitter.com/BeautiesPodcast and on Tumblr at bustyasianbeautiespod.tumblr.com. Our official tag is #BABPod, B-A-B-POD. Thanks to everyone who's donated to our Ko-Fi at ko-fi.com/bustyasianbeautiespod, and check out our merch at babpod.redbubble.com. G: Yes. I don't know what comes next-

C: You can email us any feedback, comments, or inquiries?

G: Email us. Yeah! Email us at bustyasianbeautiespod@gmail.com. See you guys next time! [both] Bye!

[guitar music]

[moreofmeforever]

The World Of Bumble

The day after my 18th birthday I was fresh out of a toxic one-sided "relationship", And the day I decided to finally succumb to the low-life loners and download a dating app.

For some reason I thought the go-to (and most normal) one was bumble. Before I even knew that it was an idealistic pro-feminist dating app that pushes the woman to make the first choice, It seems At first glance a safe and smart strategy which it is in a way, But it also won't stop a weird man from being... Weird!

After posting your lineup of six photos that attempt to simultaneously show you're sexy, But also three dimensional, You finally put a few sentences of quirky one liners, And are free to swipe and rate men based on their physical attractiveness. As of right now i've been on bumble for about a month. I've acquired a hand full of interesting stories involving these bumble men. Here they are hand crafted and ranked from best to worst.

Frat boy: The mysterious frat boy started out as any other interaction I had with these womanizers dressed as "Nice guys looking for fun". We exchanged instagram accounts and I expected him to become another lost situation-ship stuck in follower-limbo, Within a few days however He invited me over to one of his halloween frat parties.. And not having anything else to do on a dull Thursday night, Decided to actually go. Upon seeing a very attractive teenage frat boy, I end up sleeping with him. Im only human. Over the past few weeks he has gone from the boy that I barely remember, To the boy i'm actively trying to hang out with given the chance. On again Off again hooking up has kept my generation alive, And i'm not about to stray away from it.

The boy that skates: One of my first bumble matches started with myself taking it about as serious as I was capable of, Which involved my first message being "Do you like the jackass movies be honest". The boy took it like a champ and gave it right back to me. We swap instagram accounts (Familiar huh?) and I find out he's the type of boy that sends pictures of himself, Voice recordings, Even videos of himself talking. This boy was almost exactly my type; Tall, Blonde, Niche enough to have a preference but not enough to be stuck up, And genuinely interesting. An instagram relationship is bound to dry out, And we eventually stop messaging, Until I post a superficial baiting post about a different bumble boy bringing me coffee(Boy #4), That has him replying saying he's upset with ME over it. A very anticlimactic version of a breakup ensues.

Vanilla: semi good looking, With a decently flowing conversation I Go on a date with this guy. 22 and a future of living in Japan, He seems a little out of touch to me, I couldn't begin to imagine us walking down the street holding hands. No spark, Every question was like trying to light a fuse with a thing of wet matches. He's a sweet guy, So after the first date I tried to make it work. He came into my work a few days after just to stop and say hello, Which was still painfully awkward, Im too much man for this man.

7brew coffee: There's not much to say about this one, I almost never reply to his messages within the two hour mark, And after taking two days to respond, I casually mention how Im desperate for coffee at work. He offers to bring me one, And even pays for the overpriced small pumpkin spice blonde.

These four men were just scratching the surface of what Bumble has to offer our demographic of single women. You're bound to run into some less-than respectful men anywhere, But Bumble seems to be their living den. From messages like "I can hit it raw now?" to "Can you call me owner?" I've lost the little hope I once had for our generation of men.

In conclusion, Im learning that grown men in their 20s are terrible at taking photos of themselves. The second thing is, They can and will say the most outlandish things that they'd be too embarrassed to do face to face. Bumble is a competitive sport that you will never win, No matter how hard you try to. The best thing you can get out of it is a free meal and a post debrief with your friends.

[castle-dominion]

5x2 cloudy with a chance of murder

Love the mandolin style music or w/e this is

castle shut up lmao & fun lighting Oh we can still see her scar RC: No one is going to be able to tell that we’re together by how you are dressed. KB: Oh, no? I only work with a roomful of detectives. It’s their job.

I thought that one was HIS lol that's why he said no not getting paid, not your coworker lmao Ooh they are in europe!

Man I miss kissing people... Reminds me of lanie & esposito "no puppydog eyes" but they are sort of coworkers but not exactly, same with demming, he was in a different department so they could date

Oh this is how esposito always knows mor ethan becks, he gets there first & gets info from the unis

Becks is pretty *notices the coffee immediately* it could be BECAUSE it was her first day back

"as a single man"

Lanie is lookin awesome rn! she can Tell. woman's intuition

Ryan is pretty <3 this is the hair mum said looked like mine before we both cut our hair. Still mad at each other : (

Becks no, they really are still mad...

That was a long sigh

This man is,,, not normal...

Oh look at that he's really acting like me "it's johnny" Jonathan Goodheart: That stalking was a misunderstanding, and… That other thing happened on a really hot day.

I like things that are soft HE'S JUST LIKE ME FR

AFTER the gunshot? Lanie detective moments!! She def pointed as if it was between people "I know a lot of guys"

mandy michael slaying nice word The five day forecast won't be the same RC: What kind of a family, happy or dysfunctional? In the commentary I think andrew marlowe said castle at the beginning of the year is like a big happy family but at the end of the year like a big happy family at thanksgiving fog is an awesome name lol. Mum had a dentist called doctor ow

"the bay" New york's finest lmao

Lucrative "sell by date" & "according to harvey" set dressing with cleavage XD

Yeah she's probably in bed by seven pm.

Lol castle playing on the screen

haranguing??

KB: Isn’t she the reporter that shows up to cover stories in her bikini? RC: Yeah, y—I don’t—is—I didn’t notice that. KB: (playful) You want to…try it again, make it sound a little more convincing? RC: No, I’m good. KB: (playful) Okay.

Faster-than-my-ex-husband-in-the-sack fast. Isn't he married? Uh huh

Ryan interrupted him & now look at them fight

Music <3

JE: Let me take the lead. KR: Whatever. JE: What? I got more experience. KR: Yo, Javi, do you mind if we call a time-out… while we collar this guy? Huh?

Reggie's wife is sleeping with her too

True, there are some careers that are very age dependent, like gymnastics. You can keep up your physical fitness but it takes more work & you need to let some things go.

When harry met sally

RC: Well, I don’t know. You and I were just friends for four years. KB: Yeah, except you were trying to sleep with me that whole time. RC: What? KB: Mm-hmm. RC: Excuse me, it was you that was trying to sleep with me. KB: Wh—? RC: Don’t tell me you dress like that for Esposito. [Esposito walks up.] JE: What’s for me? KB: (simultaneously) Nothing. RC: (simultaneously) Don’t worry about it.

Clipping the tinted moisturizer scene where espt interrupts ryan in the middle of giving information. Why is he wearing makeup tho? To hide that he got f'ed up a bit? To pretend he didn't [do what he did for the reason he did]? Also he still does have a black eye, it just isn't as visible now

What kind of relationship? Rings a bell huh? & the sex is amazing *both smile looking in the distance*

I can't tell if ryan is taking off or adding on makeup but it def made esposito pause

Proposing to your wife with ray the helicopter pilot flew her straight to the hospital

Kristina Coterra: I’m sure you must have women throwing themselves at you all the time. RC: Well, we all have our crosses to bear. She goes back to watch He could have said "I didn't want to stand you up on TV"

RF: Uh, well, if she was up in the chopper, she must have been using the direct tox monitor. RC: The direct tox monitor, of course. KB: You have no idea what that is. RC: No, not a clue.

Yeah that's so right, doctors so often only talk to the parents not the kids. I had a great pediatrician.

Ryan knocks & CASTLE leaves to talk with him... becks stays in the interview... interesting. Castle really is part of the team

Lenny my beloved

THE FANCY PAPER

Wow this factory owner is... INSANE

"shuts her down" is not funny

Yeah lol it could be "if any of this" this meaning styrene "gets out" into the air "I will kill you"

lmao that is SUCH a big corporation thing. Turning the fricking frogs gay. GIRL NO THEY ARE TRICKING YOU THEY ARE TRICKING YOU KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT

Ryan's makeup is actually sort of working Cool how they can get tech to do sun time verifying

Nah y'all should go home, don't work through supper. One of you even has a wife to go home to!

RC: Uh, are you sure you’re okay— turns to address the room as a whole about leaving the case instead of Beckett about the date Are you okay with this? JE: Okay? Are you kidding? It’s Kristina Coterra. KR: Yeah, besides, since when have you let cop work get in the way of your busy social life?

interesting scene going in there through the city, helicopter type scenes

Ew oysters may be an aphrodesiac but I would not want to kiss someone after eating oysters

Oh no his phone is calling her also castle you could totally say "I'm not comfortable with this on the first date"

KB: Yeah, well, there’s gotta be something that we’re missing. KR: Speaking of missing something, Castle should be way more excited about his date tonight. KB: Why? KR: According to Celebrity Examiner, Kristina is notorious for seducing famous men with her extensive bikini collection. (chuckle) [Esposito and Beckett stare at Ryan.] KR: What? Jenny buys it, and it just happened to be open to that page on the coffee table. KB: What’s your point? KR: Isn’t it obvious? She’s totally gonna put the moves on him. JE: No way. Not gonna happen. KB: Thank you for actually showing some maturity. JE: He’s totally gonna put the moves on her. (chuckle) KB: Don’t you guys think that he’s actually evolved beyond that by now? JE: He’s a man, he has a pulse, so… KR & JE: No.

How did he get away? what if you do say no? If the genders were reversed we would be outraged. In fact, I am. lmao the upside down shot I love it

GIRL HE IS ABOUT TO GO LIVE, LET HIM FINISH HIS SEGMENT OR SMTH, YOU ARE SO WRECKING THE NEWS

gay!? Not for a story, but for the career the story would bring Girl if you didn't mean to kill her but just to scare her then you would have the safety on, empty mag, empty chamber, not cocked, & also careful with your muzzle control, altho ig u were trying to threaten someone

Ryan is letting his bruise show again esposito on the other hand looks like he is wearing makeup now

Wow that is a tall place to go for those volume buttons. lol wow that was a crappy fight scene. Must be embarrassing for ryan to have that freezeframe on tv in the middle of the precinct. Also I still have an old tube tv with that style of volume. Did u see ryan punch that man & he had no reaction but ryan made a face like he himself had gotten punched in the gut?

Oh no are they going to break up after ONE DAY? & even if you do implode, you got to enjoy your time! Good. Set boundaries. Did she threaten him? I mean it was a joke but still KB: It's--it's too soon. I just--I keep seeing her boobs in your face. RC: *smiles, also thinking about the boobs in his face*

Ok it has only been two hours, I've got this. I watched about one & a half episodes, that makes sense time-wise

[into-thev0id]

I just need to vent and let this one out. I’m not ready to tell my friends or family. Or maybe I’m too fucking nice and don’t want to bash my ex even though he’s a piece of shit person.

I spent the past 5, nearly 6 years of my life with someone who ultimately showed me the “love” I don’t want nor deserve. I basically begged this man to love me for almost 4 years. Sad isn’t it? The last year is the only time I truly felt loved by this person.

There has been so much back and forth, breaking up and making up, and every single time when we get back together- we’d be swearing that things would be different.

Just two months ago, almost three- I had made the call to break up due to things he cannot refrain himself from doing (I.e dm-ing women behind my back, following random women and women he claims to not be attracted to.) And immediately after he does all the things that knows hurt me. Whether it’s to hurt me or not, who knows- but it’s still being done. You don’t do things like this to someone you claim to love.

After every dispute I usually get sent his profile from tinder or bumble. It honestly would never surprise me if he was already up there.

I do not and will never understand someone who has lost your trust so many times, and can try to convince you that they love you, and at the sign of any disagreement tries to rip you to shreds. (I.e. “the only reason I stay with you is bc my dog loves you”, “you’re not very smart,” “you can’t do anything,” “you don’t bring value,” etc.) To believe that they are baffled at your distrust is absolutely insane.

He came over to my apartment one night after the last breakup to give me the remaining things I had. He was sad as fuck, apologetic as fuck. Promising me my wildest romance dreams. Telling me I was all he needed and wanted and that social media validation didn’t matter to him. He even made his own decision to delete his Instagram, unwarranted. I gave him all the reasons to keep it but he really made me believe that he was here for me and told me he knew he was the one for me. It’s honestly sad and laughable looking back now. I really bought it and thought, finally- the moment is finally here. Maybe he is the one for me. So I gave it another shot, but I told myself at the next slight lie I can spot- call it off. I really hoped that moment never came.

Flash forward two months later, the moment comes. He downloads Instagram and reactivates the account he swore he deleted and told me. Now I don’t know about you but it’s pretty clear to see the difference between deactivating and deleting… but besides that, he did that and had the nerve to tell me, that he “wasn’t thinking”, he “didn’t want it” and that he’d delete it as soon as he could. Only for me to find out that wasn’t true.

Because I’m me, I noticed something he did in our last breakup. The first three people he went to find to follow again were three women I have accused him of being attracted to. Why? Well for one he can’t miss a post, he always somehow looks for these women first after every dispute, and I’ve seen him flirt with these women online whether it’s be on twitter or a dm on Instagram trying realllly hard to talk to them. I brought this up to him and suddenly I become the bad guy.

Honestly I just know now this man does not know how to healthily discuss important things. That could’ve been an opportunity to strengthen our relationship. Instead he chose to shit on me. Made me feel less of a person for even feeling any type of way though I thought this was someone that loved me and would console me.

You’d think huh? I’m obviously wrong.

Anyways- I broke up with him on Friday due to the lie of him telling me he’d delete his Instagram. If he was going to do it, he would’ve did it then or at least said something to me. He kept instigating me and my feelings.

A weekend goes by- he stays idle. Monday comes and here we go. The follow train. Honestly this was a world record for him because normally it takes him less than 24 hours.

And surprise, surprise it’s all the women I have ever accused him of. Funny how it’s usually always the same ones that he goes to look for. The ones he could somehow never talk to in front of me.

And it’s crazy that he really made me feel seen and understood the night we made up for the last time, i felt loved and finally understood.

Point now is he doesn’t care. He put me in a shitty position, and now I have to handle a medical procedure on my own. I had many plans for the rest of our lives together bc that’s what I really saw with this person, or at least tried to. It sucks to have that being ripped away from you in a matter of a second.

It just really fucking hurts when you spend such a long time trying to trust someone who has mishandled your heart so many times. I really wanted this to be different but it obviously never will be and I forced myself to make a decision I didn’t want for the better of our lives. I don’t have to train someone on how to treat me. How to be a thoughtful partner. How to have empathy.

It just sucks man. I will never understand how someone who has ever claimed to love me could do shit like this to me and my heart back to back to back for damn near 6 years straight.

Im always left embarrassed. Shattered. Sad.

I know I’ll eventually be okay, but fuck him for this and fuck me for giving 6 years of my life to someone who obviously never deserved me or my time or my money.

I gave him everything I had to offer.

My last ex beat me physically, this one abused me mentally and verbally. I’m hoping and wishing for someone specially different who will never dream of hurting me in the future. I see it possible in my friends’ relationships and my parents relationship. I know it’s somewhere there for me too. I hope I meet you soon. For now, it’s just me and my healing.

I’m better off. I’ll be happier. He will too.

I just know that the difference between us is that he’ll be trying to fill a void, and I’ll be the one actually fixing myself. The next person I meet I hope to be the love of my life. The one who will make it make sense on why it never worked out with anyone else.

[sukirichi]

— just the two of us

request: I almost read all of your jujutsu kaisen writings and I love it. Your writing is really good! I do not know if a request about a fics🥞 about satoru gojo who is really in love and not very possessive with an oblivious reader. It will be fun to see Satoru try to flirt with her and she doesn't get it🤣

pairings: gojo x oblivious! reader

notes: THIS IDEA IS SO CUTEEE I absolutely loved every second of writing it! thank you for the request and I hope you like this! 🥞 breakfast has been served!

word count: 3.3k

warnings: none, other than this is unedited and written humorously rather than seriously~

masterlist !

Gojo doesn’t know whether he’s lucky – or completely cursed – over the fact you’ve got no idea he’s so in love with you.

It’s a bright sunny morning, perfect for outdoor training, and he walks with you all the way to school with his hands shoved deep in his pockets. You stretch your arms out in the sky to bask in the morning glow and warmth of the sun, sleeves pushed up to your forearms to “get that vitamin D.”

Satoru snickers at your statement, because you’d totally be getting a different kind of Vitamin D if only you’d notice him. Sometimes he wonders, if maybe you’d inherited the Six Eyes instead of him, would you finally be able to see him – or would you still remain unaware?

He doesn’t even know where it began. A year ago, Yaga introduced you as the newest staff member. You’d been so fidgety and nervous then, unsure of what to do and worried if maybe the kids wouldn’t love. They did, of course, how could they not. Not only were you extremely fun to be with, you’re also caring, fretting and even crying whenever one of the students got injured over a mission.

Shoko reminds you all the time that this should be normal for you by now, but you always cry every time, sobbing that they’re still only kids and should be out having fun.

Yeah, maybe that’s where it began. Your kindness struck a chord in Satoru’s heart, and before he knew it, he was falling for you. Hard. Next thing you know, he shows up five minutes before you leave for work, mock-saluting you before inviting you to breakfast. He does this every damn day, and you still don’t get a single thing.

“That café was really good,” you muse, fingers stretching outwards and giggling as the sun peeks through the spaces. Satoru sighs beside you, wanting nothing more than to slip his fingers through those softer ones. “We should go back there sometime. Maybe even take the kids with us this weekend so we can all have breakfast together!”

Satoru masks a snicker with a cough. It reminds him of the time Megumi called you mom and dad by accident, to which you happily responded with before tackling the boy in hugs, while the strongest jujutsu sorcerer only flushed in embarrassment.

Him being him though, Satoru played it off cool, flipping his hair before striking a pose. “Huh, a dad?” he smirks, “The only person who gets to call me daddy would be no one else but Y/N.”

The raven haired first year student immediately recoils in disgust. Meanwhile, the innuendo flies straight through you, and you peer up at him innocently with your head tilted to the side. “Daddy? Why would I call you my dad? My father is still alive and well, and I don’t see you marrying my mom or anything,” Just as Megumi nearly howls in laughter – another evidence that you’re really something else to get the usually stoic boy to lose his composure like that – you snap your fingers, the light bulb above your head practically shining. “Oh, I get it! You prefer younger women and you want them to call you that! Kind of like the hype for onii-chan nowadays.”

Hopeless, Satoru wants to say, you’re absolutely, utterly hopeless.

“Hmm, I don’t know,” Satoru shrugs nonchalantly, sending a smirk your way. It usually drives everyone crazy, but you only smile back up at him in the same way you smile with everyone, and he tries his best to not show his shoulders are deflating. Nevertheless, he doesn’t give up. “How about you and I go out somewhere this weekend? The movies, perhaps?”

Say yes, say yes – please say yes.

Really though, he’s waiting for that ‘no’ already. Satoru knows you always go out of town during the weekends to visit your family in the countryside, only coming back on Monday the next week with a basket of fruits and traditional goods that isn’t so easy to find in the city.

But then you clasp your hands together in excitement, lashes fluttering delicately as you beam up at him. “Really? You’d like to go to the movies with me?”

“Of course I would,” Satoru tries not to stutter, hiding the fact that he’s completely taken aback. He’s the Gojo Satoru for heaven’s sake, he shouldn’t be this affected by anyone’s presence. “What makes you think I wouldn’t want to?”

“Oh, nothing, I just thought you were busy. This Saturday, then?”

Holy crap, holy crap, holy crap, it’s actually happening – his mind was barely functioning at this point, and he even slapped his cheeks to snap him back to life. “I thought there was a fly,” he lied with a chuckle, “But yeah, Saturday. I’ll pick you up?”

“Yeah, sure!”

Satoru wouldn’t stop smiling the whole way to the school. Even when Yuuji had face planted into the ground and Megumi sprained his ankle from training, he wasn’t able to get rid of the ridiculously big smile that stretched across his lips. He’s floating in cloud nine, flowers erupting from his ears and heart-shaped emojis bursting in his background.

“Well, you look creepy,” Shoko commented in the faculty room the moment you excused yourself, “Did you land a date with her or something?”

“That I did,” he stated proudly, even banging his fist on his chest like a deranged form of King Kong.

“I can only hope Y/N makes it out alive,” Nanami announces from behind the newspaper he’s reading, legs crossed over another before he peeks above the paper, narrowed eyes dead set on the blindfolded man. “Don’t be too wild with her, Satoru. She’s a gentle soul despite being a sorcerer – I humbly suggest you don’t mess with her feelings.”

“Are you kidding me? She’s the one messing with my feelings by being so fucking cute all the time!”

“Who’s cute?”

Shoko nearly spits out her coffee the moment you enter, glancing around the room and sitting down next to a shock-still Satoru. Nanami only huffs in his seat with a shake of his head. It doesn’t take long before Satoru regains his confidence and recovers from his shock – he’s turned to you with his torso completely facing your way.

You bask in the attention, mimicking the gesture until your faces are mere inches from one another. The fact you’re so responsive and attentive to him yet still painfully naïve strikes a mental war of himself debating whether he wants to kiss you or knock your head upside down. Satoru chooses neither options as he leans closer, his smile growing wider when you don’t pull away, and he doesn’t stop moving until his lips are right beside the shell of your ear.

“You’re cute.”

Shoko shudders at the same time Nanami just gives up on everything, folding his paper and lying that he’s got someplace to go with Ichiji. Satoru patiently waits for your reaction; for you to crumble this time around.

You’re silent for a moment, brows almost right across each other when you register his words. Satoru ends up holding his breath for your next words, wondering: is this it? will she finally understand what I feel for her now?

Even Shoko ends up sitting at the edge of her seat, silently watching the exchange with interest barely hidden in her sparkling eyes. Satoru watches as your lips open, his eyes transfixed on the way the soft flesh moves. They tilt upwards, revealing a set of a wide smile – the smile he can never get enough of. “Thank you!” you giggle at his compliment, “You and Shoko are very cute too! And the kids too, especially Toge! Not that I’m saying he’s my favourite—”

“He’s definitely your favourite student,” snorts Shoko who is ignoring the way Satoru turns completely gray beside you.

It turns out you still haven’t figured it out after all.

“The kids this – the kids that,” the tall, lanky man whines, his head falling back on the back of the leather couch. He looks so utterly defeated you can’t help but lean over him to check if he’s okay, but Satoru pouts and hides his face under his uniform instead. “Why can it never be just the two of us?”

“Sorry, what did you say?”

This time, you’ve kneeled on the couch to hover him. You even pluck one side of his blindfold off to see how he’s doing, and suddenly thankful you can’t see the way his cheeks are absolutely flaming right now. 

“Nothing,” he assures, his smile hidden behind his shirt. You look absolutely adorable hovering over him like that – eyes wide and lips pouty – what he wouldn’t give to kiss those lips right now, but it isn’t the right time, and Satoru just needs to find a better way to tell you how he feels. “It’s nothing.”

It’s absolutely not nothing.

Saturday couldn’t come faster.

Satoru finds himself willing time to go faster. Once the awaited day finally comes, he wastes no time in choosing his best outfit; an oversized black shirt tucked into black skinny jeans before styling his hair up the way he likes.

He winks at his reflection in the mirror, going ooh and aah at how hot he looks. It’s another reason why he can’t comprehend why you don’t like him yet, when, uhm, he knows he looks damn good? He’s pretty funny too – and his strength and power is already a no-brainer. Satoru can’t wrap his head around any possible reason why you wouldn’t like him; it’s basically a life or death mission at this point.

With that end goal in his mind and a spritz of perfume later, Satoru sashays out his apartment. Even though it’s already dark outside and he spent the whole day walking back and forth in his room trying to come up with ways to confess to you, he acts coolly all the way to your apartment.

This time around, he’s more than confident. He’s going to have you wrapped around his pretty little finger, “Wow,” is the first thing he says, pulling his blindfold down just to look at you.

Satoru feels blessed in that exact moment to witness how the heavens took their time with you, creating only the best out of the best and birthing the most magnificent person ever. Suddenly, he grows an urge to run to the countryside and thank your parents for going funky one night and creating you, because you’re an absolutely magnificent gift and it really baffles him how you’re real.

“Wow,” he repeats again, and you chuckle when he shakes his head. “You look beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.”

“Thank you,” you look him up and down, smiling in satisfaction. “You look very handsome yourself.”

Satoru’s been called handsome a million times before that it’s gotten too much in his head already, but hearing it come from your lips hits different. If he was excited before, it’s nothing compared to what he feels now when you loop your arm through his, dangling off his arm like you were a lover.

He knows it’s not real and this is probably just a friendly date for you – something he intends to clear up later – but it doesn’t stop him from puffing his chest up a bit, almost as if bragging to everyone around you that he was the one you’re with, and that he was the one you’re going to the movies with.

All your babbles about everything goes straight into one ear and out the other. He wants to listen to you, he really does, but he’s so intoxicated with your voice that he just ends up nodding at everything you say; his attention mostly on how sweet you sound and smell.

His feelings only intensify a hundred times more when you finally make it to the theatre. Not only is it dark, but you’re sitting right next to him, arms and thighs brushing against each other. He takes note of every little movement you make, smiling to himself when you don’t pull away from his thigh flush against yours.

In this close proximity, your perfume overwhelms his senses. He finds himself leaning closer just to get a little more taste of it, his arm resting on the armrest beside him and placing his cheek on his open palm.

He doesn’t even know what the movie is about. All he can see, hear, feel and recognize is you – nothing and no one but you. Just as he wanted, it’s just the two of you.

Satoru reaches out to the bowl of popcorn in his lap to distract himself from the need of kissing you already. He was so smug that he’s on this date with you; now he feels like the world is laughing and mocking at him because you’re so close yet so far away. The last thing he wants is to say something weird and have you running for the hills. It’s clear you don’t like him, after all.

You end up reaching for it the same time he does, making your fingers brush. It sends a jolt of electricity down his spine and he immediately retracts it.

Looking up at him with an apologetic smile, Satoru knows he’s messed up. “I’m sorry,” you blurt out, raising your hands in surrender with a nervous chuckle. “I should’ve gotten my own bowl instead.”

Satoru stares at you through his blindfold. You’re close enough that he can count your lashes – both top and bottom row – and he’s so stupefied at this point that he just says the first thing that comes to his mind; absolutely anything just to get your attention. “Cold,” he shows you his hand, “I’m cold.”

“Oh,” you nod and slip your fingers through his. Satoru nearly gasps at how electrifying the sensation is from having your smaller, softer fingers collide with his, your hands fitting perfectly in his bigger, calloused ones. Then, you close your intertwined hands and smush your cheek with it to transfer your heat – completely unaware that Satoru feels like he’s floating in his own Infinite Void right now. “Feel warmer now?”

“Yes,” he replies. “Extremely.”

Something beast-like wakes within him after that. Now that he knows you don’t mind touching him at all, Satoru can’t help but want to take out all his playing cards and just go fuck it. So he does – and he might regret, he might not – who cares? It’s just the two of you, and you’re the only one he ever cares about this much that he’d pretty much let you do anything at this point.

“You know,” Satoru begins, shifting until your joined hands are resting on top of his chest. His heart is just about ready to burst through its confines at this moment, but he holds back. It’s now or never. “Shoko and Nanami are annoyed that I talk about you all the time.”

Your eyes widen at his statement. “Really? Do you talk badly about me or something?”

“No,” he nearly groans in frustration, “You’re really pretty and cool. You’re amazing during missions, too, when you fight, it’s like I’m witnessing a warrior princess. So cool.”

This makes you laugh until the person sitting behind you rudely shushes you. You bow your head in apology, turning to Satoru with a softer smile this time; one that looks reserved and private compared to your big grins. “Oh, no,” he closes his eyes even behind his blindfold, “Don’t smile at me like that. I don’t think I’ll still be cool if I end up stuttering over my words.”

“Satoru!” you whisper-hiss, although your chest is filled with so much giddiness too that you’ve both forgotten about the movie; unaware that the entire theatre was crying over the main character’s friend’s death. “What are you going on about?”

He wants to laugh so damn hard. He thought confessing his feelings for you would end up in a pitiful heartbreak that you’d be weirded out and push him away. For a moment, he forgets it’s you, and that nothing is ever difficult or painful with you – other than, of course, you being oblivious, but that isn’t something he can’t fix. He’ll get you on the train one way or another.

“I have a confession.”

“Yeah?”

“I was practicing how to ask you out for a whole hour in the mirror,” Satoru whispers, careful to not ruin the melancholic mood of theatre. It doesn’t even surprise him that his world is filled with nothing but sunshine even if the world around you has descended into grief and loneliness. “I also called Nanami on first date tips.”

“Nanami?” you echo with a gasp, “Why Nanami?”

“Because he’s married, that’s why. Mans know some tips for sure.”

“Wait, so,” you chuckle nervously, and Satoru waits, waits for you to pull away or push him back – anything that would indicate discomfort. He’s patient the whole time, watching carefully as you only squeeze his hand and gesture to the both of you with your free one. “This is a date? Our first date?”

“Only if you want to be,” Satoru shrugs, grimacing afterwards at how sappy he sounds. “Well, I actually consider this our first date and I’ve been waiting for this for like forever now, so I sure as hell hope you want this too. I didn’t dress myself up today only to come back home crying.”

Satoru’s heart – if possible – only beats crazier and sings the syllables of your name when you start laughing harder to the point you have to muffle it by burying yourself in his bicep. He feels like his muscles and nerves could erupt at any moment. It’s crazy – absolutely insane – how you have him wrapped around your finger like this. He doesn’t complain though; he never will.

“I’m glad,” you mumble through his shirt, your erratic heartbeat matching kiss when you take the first tentative step of kissing his jaw.

Satoru stiffens underneath you, a low growl ripping from his throat. He’s feral, wild, drunk at the sight and scent of you. You make him feel like he’s fluctuating between dimensions, all the planets just crashing on one another until the stardust is left in your eyes because what else could be an explanation for what he’s feeling other than a supernova collision of hearts?

“You always make me feel so happy when you’re around that I still can’t believe you feel the same way. I was so worried that maybe you wouldn’t get my hints.”

Satoru groans, “What the hell? How long have you liked me?”

“I guess when you started bringing flowers to Megumi randomly just to piss him off.”

Satoru wants to rip his hair out. That was just a few weeks after you’ve started working with him, meaning you both have liked each other this whole time and he’s been suffering and feeling stupid just for nothing?

“God, Y/N,” he mutters to himself, “You really do know how to make a man go crazy, huh?”

That innocent smile on your face lets him know that as usual, you’re oblivious of everything. Satoru is right; he still can’t decide whether he wants to whack you in the head upside down. With a sigh, he ends up choosing the latter, nearly falling over his seat when you let out a surprised yelp at the feeling of his lips on yours.

It doesn’t take long before you grab onto his shirt and cling to dear life, laughter bubbling through your lips as you kiss. The sound is so precious he wants to bottle it up and keep it treasure for the rest of his life, but Satoru doesn’t rush anything.

With you and only with you is he ever capable of feeling like it’s just the two of you in a world filled with chaos and destruction.

[markantonys]

towers of midnight chapter 17-29

juilin is leaving for tar valon with the 3 aes sedai 😭 as are egeanin and domon. so every single character in mat’s plotline who ever showed opposition and/or a backbone towards tuon/the seanchan are leaving in one fell swoop huh? perfectly allowing mat to bury his head even deeper in the sand now that none of the people who’ve been directly harmed by tuon/the seanchan (thera, the aes sedai, egeanin) will be around anymore to make him remember that his beloved wife is evil. not that their presence ever did much of that anyway.

also, i can’t believe my beloved rarepair thom/juilin is splitting up! devastating! the other week i was thinking about the series’ longest-running duo and came to the grim conclusion that it’s rand and min (books 6-14, since i assume they’ll STILL be together in 14 since min has nowhere else to go) with elayne and nynaeve in second (books 2-9), but Actually it’s thom and juilin (books 4-13)!

“‘highness,’ seta said, ‘is it true? you’re going to allow these to roam free of you?’ ‘best to be rid of them,’ mat said, wincing at her choice of titles for him.” oh there i was thinking he was going to be wincing at her referring to human beings (the aes sedai) as “these” but no

and he goes on and on about how sorry he feels for the sul’dam for finding out they can channel. the fucking sul’dam, they’re who he feels sorry for, not any one of the people they’ve enslaved, two of whom are standing right there with him. he shows the sul’dam more empathy here than he showed the aes sedai when tuon put collars on them in KOD.

“maybe someday you two can convince tuon of the truth [that she and other sul’dam can channel]. help me find a way to fix this without causing the empire to collapse.” WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK MAT???? THIS IS THE EMPIRE WHO HAS INVADED YOUR HOMELAND AND YOU’RE WORRIED ABOUT IT COLLAPSING???? the second half of the chapter is elayne fretting about the seanchan invading andor after tarmon gai’don, and mat going “i don’t want the truth about my evil wife to hurt her feelings or make her evil slave empire collapse uwu” is such a disgusting contrast. this is NOT my mat. my mat hates authority and imperialism and slavery and injustice and invaders and would jump at the chance to destabilize the seanchan empire (which was supposed to be the WHOLE POINT of the sul’dam secret and now you’re telling me that we hope they can handle that secret delicately in a way that won’t interfere with the empire going about its day?). and i can’t blame sanderson for it because rj already did this to mat and assassinated his character in COT and KOD. the great and good man who risked his own escape to free windfinders enslaved by the seanchan would be even more disgusted by the subsequent books’ mat than i am.

“learning that they could channel, worrying they might be a danger to everyone around them. that’s how rand felt, mat thought. poor fool.” normally i would be over the moon and crying my eyes out over mat showing so much empathy and understanding towards rand finding out he could channel (how far he’s come from his initial reaction in tgh!) but i’m too mad about the above bullet point, and the fact that mat is thinking about the sul’dam in this passage and how he feels sorry for them. you know what else rand has felt, mat? fear of being collared and enslaved by people like your beloved evil wife!

“[egeanin] did not like mat, for all he had done to save her skin. maybe it was because he had not let her take charge, or maybe because she had been forced to act like his lover.” or maybe because you’re constantly swooning over and simpering for the woman who stripped her of her name.

joline thanks mat for giving them horses and he’s all smug about it. it is so annoying how Those Ungrateful Women keep being forced by the narrative to be polite to mat, apologize to him, thank him for things etc. and he’s rarely made to do the same for them despite having always been just as bad if not worse in the rudeness and disrespect department (again, rj did this too - elayne and nynaeve have to apologize to mat for not thanking him for saving them in tear and elayne thanks him very sincerely after the gholam, but to my memory he never once has to apologize for being condescending and treating them like helpless children (i’m thinking more his attitude in LOC-ACOS bc in tear okay fair yeah they did actually need his help))

mat gives joline some nice pastries as a parting gift but it turns out that they’re pranked with something that’ll turn her mouth blue, so that’s very kind and mature of him

“he had a sinking feeling that the aes sedai had wrapped poor egwene up in their schemes so soundly that she would never escape. he had half a mind to ride up there himself and see if he could get her out. but he had other tasks. egwene would have to see to herself for now. she was a capable girl; she could probably handle it without him for a while.” 🙄🙄 mat’s hero complex was sooooomewhat amusing (and at times a little sweet) in the early books, but it has gone on FAR too long. especially when at this point in the series egwene has worked SO HARD and achieved SO MUCH yet still struggles to have others recognize her authority and competence because of how young she is - it’s incredibly frustrating to see people she cares about who SHOULD trust her also treat her like a child in over her head.

for this and the past couple of bullet points: mat has learned NOTHING. his attitudes towards women and towards aes sedai are WORSE than they were at the beginning of the series (once again, rj is responsible for this and sanderson just continued the trend he was given to work with). we have faile bending over backwards to think about how sorry she is for being so mean in the past, birgitte berating elayne for getting people killed because of her plan with the black ajah house (more on that in a bit), yet mat is allowed to continue all his shitty attitudes completely unchecked.

in conclusion, gofundme tuition money to enroll mat in a women’s studies course

“had that frightened wisp of a woman really been the panarch of tarabon? mat had seen mice that were less timid.” she was ENSLAVED and TRAUMATIZED by YOUR WIFE, MAT.

mat thinks oh so generously that maybe he can talk to tuon and get egeanin reinstated, because by now i guess he has fully bought into the seanchan hierarchy and believes that regaining/maintaining your proper place within it is desirable, rather than that the whole system is fucked and should be burned to the ground. “first you’ll need to convince tuon not to make you da’covale. he was half convinced she intended to see him as her servant, husband or not.” SLAVE, mat. da’covale are SLAVES. this just confirms our suspicions that the narrative has forgotten that channelers aren’t the only ones who get enslaved by the seanchan. didn’t you hear? da’covale are actually just servants!

now back to elayne thank GOD. that was definitely the worst mat section since KOD (at least his first chapter in TGS only had misogyny and not also pro-imperialism-and-slavery).

elayne is walking in the rooftop gardens which has a view of the lower gardens. “it was in those gardens that she had first met rand. she pressed a hand to her belly.” 🥺

now we have birgitte berating elayne for taking risks because apparently elayne can’t even take a fucking walk in her own garden? birgitte points out that elayne could lose a limb or get severe brain damage and still live to give birth to healthy children, which is fair enough, but then says, “and what about the people around you? give you no thought to the danger you could cause them?” “i feel bad for vandene and sareitha. and for those men who died to rescue me. don’t dare imply that i feel no responsibility for them! ...we discussed this, birgitte. we decided that there was no way i could have known that chesmal and the others would arrive as they did.” “we decided that there was no use arguing any further.” like ugh this exchange just feels like pandering to all the elayne haters who were so mad at her for having the audacity to get kidnapped after a genuinely well thought out plan - WHICH BIRGITTE WAS IN ON so why the fuck is she now acting like elayne just went haring off unsupervised - went unpredictably awry. to my memory birgitte didn’t at all blame elayne during KOD???? she was exasperated (yet also full of admiration) that elayne never once felt afraid during the whole ordeal, but i don’t believe she ever felt that it was elayne’s fault or anything like that. it just feels like an uncharacteristically low blow for birgitte to bring this up to guilt elayne into being more careful (yes, elayne’s the one who references the specific incident, but since they’ve clearly argued about it many times, birgitte likely knew what she was doing by saying “give you no thought to the danger you could cause the people around you”). can you imagine if a character used the deaths at dumai’s wells to guilt rand into being more careful? that would be an extremely shitty move, wouldn’t it? why the hell does elayne get victim blamed, both within the narrative and in the fandom, for her kidnapping but rand doesn’t? no, we all know why. like for real, if you asked WOT fans who was to blame for the deaths at dumai’s wells, everybody would say elaida or galina, yet if you asked who was to blame for the deaths after full moon street, a good chunk if not the majority would say elayne instead of chesmal and the other black sisters who, you know, were the ones actually kidnapping and killing people.

anyway. elayne wants the kin to be stationed in andor so that andor can offer/have access to traveling (which will be charged for) and healing (which will be free, elayne says very adamantly). clever clever! part of the reason is because she wants all the resources she can have at her disposal when the seanchan inevitably try to invade andor after the last battle. “she suspected that those who claimed to be artur hawkwing’s successors would never be satisfied until they held all that had once belonged to their ancestor.” glad to see that one (1) character is still considering the seanchan to be an enemy and serious threat. 2 because egwene does too.

but she also wants channelers who will fight in battles - she won’t force the kin to do that. “the only thing she could think of was the black tower. it was on andor’s soil...what would happen to them if rand died? dared she try to claim them? dared she wait for someone else to?” OOOOOOH this is an intriguing prospect!! and man, how much easier would it have been if rand had been in charge of the black tower all this time instead of going “i don’t trust taim at all. i think i will give him free rein over hundreds of dangerous male channelers and never check in on him.” then the black tower would be solidly behind him and he could just be like “everybody this is your new stepmom elayne, do whatever she wants” and all would be well.

“a careful trap using the asha’man and wise ones, and perrin could hit the Children so hard that they shattered. he could maybe even destroy them permanently as a group.” why do i feel like he’s going to decide not to do this for Moral Reasons and this is going to end up as another instance of “evil group is perfectly poised to be destroyed permanently but our protagonist intervenes to prevent it from happening”

“berelain pursed perfect lips. light, but the woman was beautiful! ...why had the creator made people as perfect as berelain?” faile? u good fam?

faile and berelain agree to pretend to be friends to put a stop to the rumors that berelain slept with perrin. WHAT was the goddamn POINT of this entire plotline? the fact that so many other characters have had min viewings/prophetic dreams/etc. foreshadowing all this epic shit and then perrin’s bird viewing was just that he was going to spend the majority of the series in a completely pointless love triangle that 2/3 of the involved parties did not want to be involved in and that ended up affecting absolutely no aspect of the story lmao i’m wondering if the show would even bother with this because a) removing it would affect nothing and b) with show!perrin’s extra trauma from killing laila the perrin/faile relationship will have plenty of obstacles already without needing to include the berelain love triangle.

MATLAYNE REUNION!!!!!!!!!!!! SCREAMING CRYING THROWING UP!!!!!!!!!!! thankfully i read this a few days after the previous mat chapter so my annoyance at him had cooled and i could appreciate the reunion properly! we are diving into this chapter in extreme detail, let’s go.

mat shaves off his beard and is careful in his clothing selection before meeting with elayne 😌 although he picks out a respectable plain coat and then spends the rest of the chapter anxious and self-conscious and fretting that he should’ve picked a nicer coat to see elayne, baby boy! there is symbolism about the fact that mat was constantly wearing over-the-top lacy fancy clothes around tylin and tuon, but now he changes back into a normal coat to see elayne. because she sees and appreciates him for who he is and he doesn’t feel the need to add any false ornamentation or change himself around her! (altho she does kinda make fun of his coat later lmao)

“one of the holes had a bloodstain around it, but that had mostly been washed out. it was a nice coat.” literally “mat is even wearing his formal leather jacket” “it’s the one without any blood on it”

“just because a man marries someone doesn’t mean he suddenly becomes bloody nobility.” “mat, that’s actually exactly how it works.” kdjfg

mat wishes that his luck would for once see him, among other things, off somewhere with a pretty serving girl on his knee instead of, among other things, being married to a seanchan high lady. another one for the “mat is gonna cheat on tuon so fast” file folder

the band is getting attention in caemlyn because they’re the largest single group outside the walls, because they’re as organized and disciplined as a regular army, and also because they’re led by “a personal friend of the dragon reborn.” everyone in caemlyn knows mat is rand’s ~Personal Friend~ aka sugar baby (and mat’s men keep bragging about it and he wishes they wouldn’t jkfg)

guybon (random beautiful man who showed up out of nowhere with a huge army for elayne in the eleventh hour, aka the guy invented to fill the mat-and-the-band shaped hole in the story) meets mat to escort him. ���too bad he had such a pretty face. a life in the military would probably end up wrecking that.” #BiMatRights

among the many rumors in caemlyn about mat, one is that he “won the dragon reborn the loyalty of the aiel” (by killing couladin), caemlyn is spinning out romantic tales about rand and mat’s devotion to each other!

talmanes is “crestfallen” that mat tells him to stay outside while he and thom go in to meet with elayne, and mat promises to introduce him to elayne later. talmanes really wants to meet his bff’s wife!

“mat stepped up to the door, taking a deep breath. he had fought in dozens of skirmishes and battles without growing nervous. now his hands were shaking.” he’s so nervous to finally see his crush again 🥺

“his eyes found elayne immediately...she looked radiant in a gown of deep red and gold. beautiful, full red lips that mat would not have minded kissing, if he had not been a married man. her red-gold hair seemed to shimmer in the hearthlight, and her cheeks were full of color.” THIS IS SO ROMANTIC AND FOR WHAT????? good GOD mat!!! he is straight up IN LOVE with her!! (also, another one for the “mat is gonna cheat on tuon so fast” file folder)

RADIANT!!! mat thinks elayne looks RADIANT!!! he’s never described TUON as radiant. also, conveniently placed light source to make a character’s hair shimmer my beloved

“‘thom, i’m so glad that you’re all right!’ elayne grabbed him in an embrace. ‘hello, dear one,’ thom said fondly. ‘i hear you’ve done well for yourself, and for andor.’” 🥺🥺

elayne is crying! she’s so happy to see them!! but we don’t get a matlayne hug even tho elayne hugs thom and birgitte hugs mat 😔

elayne thanks mat for all he’s done for her, and despite how sulky he was about not getting thanks and kisses from her sooner, now he just says “it really wasn’t anything, you know, elayne.” and when she apologizes for making him wait so long for a meeting he says “it’s nothing. you’re busy.” and when she offers to let the band move closer to the city and apologizes that there’s no room for them within the walls he says “that won’t be needed. letting us move closer is kind enough. thank you.” 1 page back with elayne and he’s already 10x better about being polite and respecting women! unlike when joline thanked him earlier, he doesn’t show or feel a hint of smugness about elayne thanking him now! she truly does bring out the best in him and i’ll always be bitter that he got punted off to a wife who turns him into the worst possible version of himself.

“‘burn me. you’re queen! how’s that feel?’ elayne laughed, finally releasing thom. ‘such a way with words you have, mat.’” they’re married!

mat says he’s not going to bow to elayne or bother with “your majesty” nonsense and elayne says she wouldn’t expect it, unless they’re in public because there she has to keep up appearances for the people. “‘i suppose that’s true,’ mat agreed. it did make sense.” he loves his wife so much and is now completely willing to bow to her in public and understands why it’s important that he do so! growth! trophy husband (complimentary) behavior! and, importantly, unlike with tuon, he does NOT intend to bow and scrape to elayne in private. literally a prime example of the “someone who will respect you in public but speak freely to you in private” ideal partner for a high-profile leader that egwene described to us previously!

MAT FINDS OUT ABOUT THE BABIES AAAAAAHHHH

“he looked accusingly at elayne. ‘does rand know about this?’” a bold attitude from someone who knows FULL WELL that rand has been fucking min for the past few months lmao i think sanderson’s mat forgot he had all those visions because he does not react in any way or think about rand and min at all or scratch his head wondering how rand has the time to fuck so many people. a common symptom of the series, whenever one of rand’s relationships is relevant to a scene, everybody present in that scene (including rand himself) forgets the other two exist.

“she laughed. ‘i should hope he isn’t too surprised.’ ‘burn me!’ mat said. ‘he’s the father!’” the fact that elayne’s been so secretive about the babydaddy’s identity but trusts mat enough to tell him straight off the bat 🥺 also, i will call bullshit if mat doesn’t say a word about this to rand when they see each other next book (tho at least “i should hope he isn’t too surprised” gives mat sooooome leeway in believing rand might already know)

okay let’s take inventory here

people who currently know elayne is pregnant with rand’s babies: elayne, mat, aviendha, min, nynaeve, egwene, thom, birgitte

people who currently do not know elayne is pregnant with rand’s babies: rand

like this POOR MAN lmao!! someone PLEASE tell him my god!

“how had becoming queen made elayne less high-and-mighty? had he missed something? she actually seemed agreeable now! well, that was unfair. there were times when she had been agreeable before. they had merely been mixed between times when she had been ordering mat around.” mat acknowledging that elayne was never that bad and he judged her too harshly! we love to see it!!

“he found himself smiling as thom related [the whole story since ebou dar]...mat almost thought himself a hero, listening to thom.” mat is smiling about getting to sit with elayne and catch up with her! elayne listening to the things he’s been through makes him feel like a hero!

“right before thom got to the part about tuon’s marriage words, however, mat coughed and cut in.” and he hastens thru the rest of the story and doesn’t mention the marriage LMAO he doesn’t want elayne to know he’s married. because he’s in love with her! “thom eyed mat with amusement.” and thom knows it!

“what trouble have you gotten yourself into, matrim cauthon?” “that’s not fair at all. i’m not the one who gets into trouble. if i-” “you’re not going to mention my getting captured in the stone of tear again, are you?” “of course not. that happened ages ago. i barely remember it.” THEY’RE MARRIED YOUR HONOR

“she laughed, the pretty sound ringing in the room. he felt himself blushing.” 🚨🚨🚨 ELAYNE MADE MAT BLUSH!!!!! 🚨🚨🚨 and he thinks her laugh is pretty!!!!!

like literally the way he thinks about elayne is SO MUCH MORE ROMANTIC than the way he thinks about tuon i can’t TAKE it!!!

“‘mat, i could kiss you,’ she declared. ‘this is exactly what i needed!’ mat blinked. what?” JSKDFHG AAAAAAAHHHHH and birgitte says “you’ll have to watch yourself, elayne. rand will be jealous.” BIRGITTE STRAIGHT UP CALLING OUT THE VIBES BETWEEN THEM LMAO but rest assured rand won’t be jealous if elayne kisses mat, birgitte! that would be his dream come true!

mat and elayne have some interesting negotiations about the use of the dragons! the final deal they settle on is: elayne will provide the money and resources to produce the dragons, 3/4 of them will go to andor and 1/4 to the band, elayne gets the band in a renewable 1-year contract but can’t force them to fight in any battle mat doesn’t want them to participate in, and elayne can have mat’s medallion for 3 days to study it.

“i don’t like having men who could leave me at any time.” “you know i won’t hold them back merely to spite you. i’ll do what’s right.” “what you see as being right.” “every man should have that option.” “few men use it wisely.” “we want it anyway. we demand it.” “you have it.” ❤️

but initially elayne wants the band to be part of andor and given a commission there permanently and to be officially backed by her, which i would’ve loved so much!!!! unfortunately, mat turns it down, in part because he doesn’t want the band beholden to anybody (which is fair), but not only for that reason. “it was actually tempting. just a little. but it did not matter. he did not think elayne would be happy to have him in her realm once she knew of his relationship with the seanchan. he meant to return to tuon eventually, somehow. if only to work out what she really felt about him.” SIGHHHHH. all tuon does is cut mat off from all his other loved ones. this passage implies that he’s pretty much turned fully traitor to the westlands and is aware that most of his friends will hate him for it, yet he still doesn’t manage to reach enough awareness to, you know, feel bad about it, or to have any guilt over the fact that tuon would collar elayne as soon as she met her (and swallow up her nation and people to boot).

but then mat does think that he has no intention of giving the seanchan access to the dragons, so that’s good! maybe not full traitor, then. like gawyn, he’s trying to straddle both sides at once lmao

“elayne raised an eyebrow at him. yes, she had become a queen. just like that.” ❤️❤️

“‘a serving man,’ mat said. ‘you know, to take care of my clothing. you’d do a better job of picking than i would.’ elayne looked at his coat, then up at his hair. ‘that,’ she said, ‘i’ll give you regardless of how the other negotiations go.’” “if you need to borrow money to buy a new coat, the crown can lend you some. considering your station, you really should dress more nicely.” and then elayne says she’ll see that mat gets a noble title. sugar mama elayne is out in full force!! god bless. all i want is for mat to be the sugar baby of both the queen of andor and the dragon reborn, it’s my greatest dream (and hey, there have been multiple instances where both rand and elayne have been mentioned as being able to cover mat’s expenses and give him noble titles so it’s all but canon anyway!)

mat tells elayne that the gholam is in caemlyn. we love to see characters sharing important information with each other about things that could be a danger to them!

elayne shares her plans to use the band to move on the sun throne, and mat is fine with it and even thinks it’s a good use for the band while he’s off rescuing moiraine! “i agree to that, but elayne, the band has to be free to fight in the last battle, however rand wants.” they said mat is a bad friend to rand and always runs away from him, i said bitch WHERE

elayne invites mat and thom to dinner later ❤️ and talmanes, at mat’s request. “taking dinner with you will have him dancing all the way back to the camp.” jkdfjgh

“thom spared a paternal kiss for her cheek before parting - good that it was paternal! mat had heard some things about those two that he did not want to believe. with thom old enough to be her grandfather, no less.” LMAO sanderson directly calling out whatever the fuck rj did with elayne and thom back in tfoh hjfkg i love it

“‘that went well,’ mat decided, hands on hips. ‘i worried she wouldn’t bite, but i think i reeled her in pretty well.’ thom laughed, clapping him on the shoulder. ‘what?’ mat demanded. thom just chuckled.” mat is the “anything for you beyonce” vine for elayne and thom knows it!

“‘might i suggest you move the ring to the third finger of your left hand?’ ‘you may suggest it,’ nynaeve said, but did not move the ring.” djkfjg icon

we see nynaeve’s test with the 100 weaves and it’s a wonderful full circle moment from her accepted test! i see her point that it’s important that she care about the people she’s protecting more than her own status and whether or not she’s raised to the shawl, but i’m still fresh off my annoyance at rand’s “you’re better because you’re Not Like Other Aes Sedai” speech and so i also see the aes sedai’s point that it IS important to remain calm in a crisis and it IS important to know how to prioritize and focus on your main quest - sure going off on a sidequest to save people in need would be more important than the main quest of doing a silly little weave to complete a test, but those people aren’t actually real and thus the test IS more important (and in most of the scenes we saw, the weave she was supposed to perform did end up saving the situation anyway). i love that nynaeve wants to save everyone but i do think she needs to learn that she can’t (a lot of WOT characters need to learn that, notably mat). but it is an interesting contrast to the mentality of some other characters and really shows that she could never be a large-scale leader like rand, egwene, and elayne, who by now are practiced in placing the greater good above individuals. and aes sedai DO have to focus on the greater good as well, that’s kinda the whole point of their organization, so just because that’s not how nynaeve is, i don’t think it’s fair to say that she’s Better than the other aes sedai, only that it’s not the right career path for her lmao

but of course it was shitty of the testers to purposely make the visions so cruel and to test nynaeve more brutally than anybody else would be, and of course nynaeve is right to say “i wonder if we sometimes put the white tower - as an institution - before the people we serve. i wonder if we let it become a goal in itself, instead of a means to help us achieve greater goals.” but then the rest of the speech strays too close to “women who don’t get married and have families are inherently less empathetic than those who do” for my liking, so overall the jury’s out.

i will say, it’s interesting how nynaeve and gawyn both choose concern for individuals over concern for a greater cause, yet the narrative (or at the very least the fandom) seems to reward nynaeve for it and criticize gawyn. something something gender roles women are supposed to be caregivers in the private sphere and men leaders in the public sphere something

also, nynaeve used balefire! i’ve been wondering if she ever would again. every now and then i go, “hey, remember that time nynaeve used balefire in TDR and it was literally never mentioned again?” glad to finally see that loop closed haha also, it’s totally fair for her to get in trouble for using an extremely dangerous and illegal weave (again, i agree with her that she may have to use balefire in the last battle, but the dangers in the testing visions weren’t real) and honestly i’m surprised the other aes sedai let it go so easily, but not complaining because the last battle is coming and things have gotta move along.

nynaeve gets myrelle’s bond from lan!!!!! i genuinely wasn’t sure if that would happen since i was never spoiled about it, though i assumed it was a pretty safe bet that it would. “do not press me. in the morning, i swear the three oaths. i’m free of them for one more night.” JDKFJGHJ DAMN

oh also i forgot to say: a chunk of nynaeve’s braid got burned off and it’s now too short to tug! heartbreaking! rip to a legend! as far as rj’s overused turns of phrase go, i always loved the braid tugging bc it’s so specific to nynaeve and her personality (birgitte’s done it occasionally but the narrator will usually remark that it reminds them of nynaeve). but Smoothing Skirts as a universal thing that every woman in the world does as a sign of hidden anxiety or annoyance, on the other hand...........

“so elayne is queen. that must make rand happy.” thank you perrin for a randlayne crumb!

perrin at the prospect of fighting the whitecloaks: “he felt a strange reluctance. it seemed such a waste to kill so many who could fight against the shadow.” see? i knew he was gonna wuss out of destroying the whitecloaks once and for all. sigh. yeah yeah they need all the hands they can get in the last battle but still. sigh.

“several sources indicate that [rand] has sued [the seanchan’s] leader for peace.” “but what did he do to his hand?” perrin is so worried about rand and his hand 🥺

you know what? i think balwer has earned a place in my favorite tertiary character list. he’s so uptight yet sneaky i love him. seeing as my favorite tertiary character list consists of balwer, lini, essande, mistress harfor, and norry, i think my favorite genre of minor character is just “no-nonsense senior citizens” jdkfg (and verin! tho she’s a secondary character not tertiary)

morgase finally finds out gaebril was a forsaken and used compulsion on her!!!! 😭😭 she gives such a powerful speech about it, but it’s wasted on fucking tallanvor. literally morgase is like “so i just found out that i was mind controlled by a forsaken” and tallanvor’s only reaction is “so you didn’t actually love him? nice, that means i have a chance with you!” fuck OFF dude. what i wouldn’t give for this moment to have been between morgase and lini instead, would’ve been so much more powerful. (update: a few chapter later i realized that lini was among the group kidnapped by the whitecloaks, so she actually couldn’t have been present for this scene. but still.) the tallanvor/morgase romance is so unnecessary!! sure it’d be nice for morgase to finally have someone who loves her selflessly, but as we can see from his reaction here, tallanvor doesn’t, despite all his whining about how he’s so good at loving her from afar and not expecting anything from her. you’ve been hassling her to get her to admit she’s into you for multiple books!

“i think thom and gareth loved me, but as something to be held and cared for, then released. i didn’t think you’d ever let go.” “i won’t.” is that...........supposed to be romantic? i would way rather a partner who holds and cares for and then releases me lmao that sounds great!

speaking of partners who won’t ever let go: “other than things to do with egwene, what is it that you want?” “nothing. she’s everything.” jkjfg every WOT secondary character who’s the love interest of a more important character be like

and now bryne does elayne dirty and gives galad too much credit: “you always were the passionate one, gawyn. like your mother and your sister. impulsive, never calculating like your brother...perhaps i spoke wrong - galad may not be calculating, but he isn’t impulsive. to be impulsive is to act without careful thought; galad has given everything a great deal of thought.” it’s not like elayne has become a powerhouse politician and galad has gotten brainwashed by a cult or anything! throughout this book, there’s been such a narrative of elayne being impulsive and not thinking things through, but that’s completely not true - obviously she takes massive risks, but they’re ALWAYS calculated and planned out fairly carefully beforehand, even if things end up going unexpectedly awry once the plan is in motion (more on this in a bit)

“find out who you would be without egwene, and then figure out how to fit her into that.” i love this. now can somebody PLEASE give this advice to min?

mat lists some rumors from the current caemlyn rumor mill, one of which is that rand “visited women in their sleep, getting them with child” hjdkfhgj CRYING everybody wants rand carnally and assumes that everybody else has had rand carnally. also, feel like this implies people are totally suspecting he’s elayne’s babydaddy despite her efforts to the contrary. add “the entire population of caemlyn” to the list of people who suspect, at least, that elayne is pregnant with rand’s babies.

“mat had offered to come up with a backstory for his act, but thom had coughed and said that he already had one worked out.” and later, “mat? i don’t know what you mean, my good woman. my name is garard, a simple beggar who has a quite interesting past, if you care to listen to it” let mat share his dramatic backstories you bastards!!!

what’s the point of noal. i know that he’s jain farstrider, and i don’t dislike him (he does add a fun Weird Grandpa vibe to the group) but he’s just such a random addition to the party. especially to be given the important narrative place of one of moiraine’s 3 rescuers! she’s gonna see them and be like “thom! mat! and............some old guy i’ve never met before!”

“and what of rand? mat saw him sitting on a fine chair, staring down at the floor in front of himself in a dark room, a single lamp flickering. he looked worn and exhausted, his eyes wide, his expression grim. mat shook his head to dispel that image as well. poor rand.” 😭😭❤️❤️ mat loves and misses and worries about rand so much!! “mat is a bad friend to rand and abandons him and never shows him any empathy or understanding” WHOMST??? also, i will note that hilariously in the prior paragraph mat thought about perrin and only said that an image appeared and he banished it, he did not describe a single thing going on in that vision unlike the rand vision. mat is always so much more hung up on the rand visions than he is on the perrin visions or than perrin is on the rand visions.

“mat did not want to go back. there was no tuon back in the two rivers.” sweet, then i’m sprinting back to the two rivers. “light, well, he would have to figure out what to do with tuon. but he did not want to be rid of her. if she were still with him, he would let her call him toy without complaining.” 🙄🤮 like, every single thought mat ever has about tuon ALWAYS feels so jarringly out of character and nonsensical.

the phenomenon of plays (slash operas) has arrived in caemlyn! perfect for mat’s post-last-battle life as a playwright in caemlyn under sugar mama elayne’s patronage!

“the queen sat with a calm demeanor, watching the play. at times, birgitte felt more like a nursemaid than a bodyguard. how did you protect a woman who seemed, at times, so determined to see herself dead?” she’s literally just sitting in a chair watching a play birgitte fucking RELAX. the other characters’ overprotectiveness of elayne is FAR more annoying than her viewing-induced plot armor recklessness has ever been! birgitte complains about feeling like a nursemaid - well, maybe elayne would consult with you about her dangerous plans more if you treated her as an intelligent adult rather a foolhardy child! birgitte is not buttering my bread this book, i have to say.

she does redeem herself a bit a moment later tho: “and yet, elayne was also so very capable. like tonight; she’d somehow convinced her most bitter rival to attend this play...it whispered of a political maneuver by elayne that was thirteen steps more subtle than birgitte had a mind for. she shook her head. elayne was a queen. volatility and all. she’d be good for andor.” that’s my girl! ❤️❤️ (but also, elayne is not “volatile” lmao?? sure, she has her moments of letting out a single primal scream of frustration, but on the whole she’s very good at keeping an outwardly even temper when it’s important to do so.)

mat arrives to see birgitte, but birgitte’s first assumption is that he’s here to see elayne. she knows they’re married! “birgitte held up two fingers to order drinks - [the bartender] knew that she took milk these days” the mental image of the captain-general walking into bars and going “bartender, i want a glass of your best milk” is SENDING me jkfjgh

also, reason #783745 why mat should be elayne’s warder. can you imagine the act of love it would’ve been for mat to swear off drinking for 9 months because he worries it might have a negative effect on the babies thru the bond? 🥺

“one in a thousand is good odds. for me.” “bloody ashes. you’re as bad as elayne!” 1) mat and elayne are the same and they are married ❤️ 2) this is exactly what’s so infuriating about the narrative and the fandom punishing elayne for “recklessness” - because they reward mat for the very same thing. mat is just as bad if not worse when it comes to coming up with wild dangerous plans, yet his plot-mandated protagonist ta’veren luck plot armor means that they almost always work out, or that if they go wrong it’s in a way that still allows them to work out in the end (like the escape from ebou dar). elayne will have a very solid plan that goes awry due to unforeseen circumstances, while mat will just charge into something with half a plan cobbled together with duct tape and then it works out, with the result that everyone’s like “elayne is so stupid and reckless and gets people killed! i love when mat makes crazy plans that work out against all odds!”

“could she, perhaps, give one of the copies to mat? he’d never know, since he couldn’t channel himself...no, she thought, squashing that temptation before it could fly too high. she had promised to return mat’s medallion, and she would. not some copy that didn’t work as well.” ❤️

elayne disguises herself as a forsaken as a means of getting the black sisters to spill information to her. this is genuinely clever! and it works exactly as intended for quite some time until the impossible-to-foresee betrayal of the secretary! and even when things do go awry, elayne holds her own against 3 black ajah and 2 other darkfriends fantastically well! and she did 100% intend to tell birgitte about the plan, but birgitte was out drinking with mat, so why does the narrative later insist that elayne’s at fault for going behind birgitte’s back? she literally wasn’t there! granted, elayne does think “well on the plus side if birgitte’s not here then she can’t object to my plan!” rather than waiting to do the plan at a different time after birgitte comes back, but like maybe she wouldn’t feel the need to think that way if birgitte treated her like an intelligent adult rather than a foolhardy child.

elayne learns that darkfriends are hunting mat and is so worried!! ❤️ and also that the shadow is planning an invasion of andor, uh oh..........noooo andor is like the LAST place that hasn’t yet been invaded by either the shadow or the seanchan! caemlyn is my only Home Base in a series where all the characters are wandering around and making me feel adrift because i never did like travel-based fantasy series where there’s no Home Base! it’s gotta stay strong! it’s gotta!

mat comes charging in with birgitte after she sensed elayne was in danger! protective husband!!!

speaking of protective husbands, gawyn fends off an assassin from egwene’s room and goes to check on her and gets caught in the traps she’d laid to catch the assassin jdkfjg peak comedy. once again, i sympathize with both sides of the argument - gawyn’s interference let the assassins know that egwene’s onto them and cost her the element of surprise, but he wasn’t actively Trying to interfere, he just went to have a quick look in her corridor to reassure himself that all was well bc he was anxious and then unintentionally ended up fighting an assassin. i agree more with egwene, bc gawyn wasn’t even supposed to be in that corridor in the first place since he’d promised not to, but i do understand his being anxious and wanting to check on his beloved. (and i forget whether or not he was aware that egwene had set up traps in her room? if not, then his anxiety would be doubly understandable bc he’d think she was leaving her rooms completely unguarded and vulnerable with assassins walking the tower.)

“her cheeks were flushed with anger at him. that made her even more beautiful than usual.” gawyn’s just exposing his kinks to us huh jhdkfjg

gawyn goes to caemlyn!!! he’s gonna see elayne!!!! i’m gonna get my reunion!!!!!

“birgitte stood in the doorway, mat in the room beyond. he’d stepped out for melfane’s inspection, but otherwise he’d hovered near her almost as protectively as birgitte.” HUSBAND BEHAVIOR!!!! 😭😭😭 where is talmanes to tease mat for being husbandly when you need him?

“we don’t have time for much, these days. risks must be taken.” exactly! the last fucking battle is nigh, if you all hadn’t noticed! nigh, i tell you!! elayne can’t afford to just sit in a glass tower not taking any risks! fandom shits on elayne for unintentionally endangering others by risking her own life to accomplish necessary goals, yet they’d think just the same if she sent other people to take those risks in her stead. if elayne HADN’T gone into the black ajah house, it would be all “elayne’s such a coward sending other people to die in her place” like if you don’t want elayne to go up against the black ajah herself but would also criticize her for sending others to do it, what do you want her to do, just ignore the black ajah and let them get away with whatever?

“you made me your warder, but you won’t let me protect you! how can i be your bodyguard if you won’t tell me when you’re putting yourself in danger?” she TRIED to and you WEREN’T THERE, birgitte! and she DID tell you the whole plan for the black ajah house incident and you AGREED - reluctantly, but you did agree - to let her go in without you! i definitely feel like there’s an attempt to retroactively make the black ajah house incident be elayne’s fault in-narrative in a way that it wasn’t at all in KOD.

“at that moment, a scarf-wrapped head appeared in the doorway. mat had his eyes closed. ‘you covered up?’” see? mat is so much more respectful of women when he’s around elayne! doesn’t even consider trying to sneak a glance of her naked!

elayne warns mat that darkfriends are after him and tells him to be careful ❤️

“‘well,’ mat said, shrugging, ‘you’re alive, and three of them are dead. seems like a reasonably good outcome.’” fucking thank you mat for acknowledging that elayne accomplished something rather than getting on her case about taking risks! king!!

“‘mat,’ she said, taking off his medallion. ‘here, it’s time i gave this back. you should know that it probably saved my life tonight.’” ❤️❤️ this is now TWICE that mat’s medallion has saved elayne’s life (with the first being the gholam in ebou dar) this ship literally writes itself! [nynaeve voice] why aren’t they married!

of all my should-have-been ships, mat/elayne truly does feel like The One That Got Away. obviously rand/mat and elayne/avi would never ACTUALLY have happened canonically in the books (tho avilayne is a shoe-in for the show and i can’t wait!) but mat/elayne absolutely could have happened within the heteronormative confines of canon. and they spend more time together and have more relationship development than elayne has with her actual love interest, and elayne fills the same “everything he thought he hated” tropes as mat’s actual love interest but in a much better and more effective way and challenges his prejudices about channelers rather than enforces them.

i once put this whole canon matlayne scenario in the replies of a previous recap, but you’re gonna hear it again! SO they could’ve had their Big Damn Kiss and love confession post-gholam in acos and then fucked and then got tragically separated, and elayne having to leave mat behind in ebou dar for the sake of getting the kin away from the seanchan would’ve been a beautiful angsty heart vs. duty moment for her. then elayne finds out she’s pregnant, mat’s escape from ebou dar now has the concrete goal of wanting to get back to caemlyn and elayne, and then they finally reunite in this book and mat finds out he’s gonna be a dad and he realizes that the idea of commitment and kids doesn’t make him feel leashed anymore because he loves elayne and the twins and wants to have that family and knows that elayne would never deny him his freedom like tuon would and now mat has had actual positive and believable growth as a person and character! maybe he could even also become her warder for a “hates aes sedai -> warder to an aes sedai” arc, esp since he’s always been so obsessed with protecting elayne and there was so much foreshadowing of Warder Mat that went nowhere! and elayne gets her challenging-preconceptions-of-mat arc expanded and gets to actually have her babydaddy around for at least a few days of her pregnancy! i love randlayne with my whole heart, but if canon insisted on doing them so absolutely dirty, then i would’ve preferred a meaty matlayne storyline like this. (and again, rand/mat/elayne/avi is Actually the way, but i’m thinking specifically in terms of what would have been genuinely plausible for rj to write.)

anyway, back on topic. slayer wins the award for most pointless WOT villain. literally every single time he shows up i go “wow i completely forgot this guy existed” jfgk and he’s rand’s (and galad’s) presumed-dead uncle who is actually alive and has somehow become evil and somehow has TAR powers! that should’ve been interesting!

we see rand again, but again it’s from min’s pov. can i get some rand pov please? he feels like too MUCH of a jesus figure in this book, with us just seeing him perform miracles etc. from other people’s povs rather than actually getting to be in his head and see how HE’S feeling post-epiphany.

rand goes back to bandar eban intending to fix the starvation he shrugged at and ran away from in the previous book. min keeps simpering that it wasn’t his fault and that he isn’t responsible for the people he literally rules and, when a domani is rightfully angry with him, yells at the guy that rand is too busy and has had more important things to deal with, though rand cuts her off and accepts blame. she was always enabling him or avoiding him when he was at his worst, and now that the time has come to make amends for the bad things he did, she tries to coddle him and shield him from any blame or regret. whereas i just bet that elayne and aviendha would go “yes you did a bad thing but you’re a good person and you can fix it” because they understand leadership and responsibility and honor.

rand still refers to tam as “tam” instead of “my father”! even post-epiphany, even now that he’s reconnected with his humanity! smh!

rand to min: “you’re more vital than them all [the kings, aiel chiefs, aes sedai, asha’man, and ta’veren who follow him]. you remind me who i am.” FOOTAGE! NOT! FUCKING! FOUND!!!!! tam was the one who got him back in touch with himself! nynaeve, mat, perrin, egwene, and elayne were the ones rand was thinking about in the last book when missing his old life and hating how much he’s changed! min does not KNOW who he is because all she’s interested in is having sex with him and never wants to actually have meaningful conversations with him! she met the sheepherder fucking ONCE let’s not act like she’s the only one who can remind him of who he is!

“besides, you think more clearly than most of those who call themselves my counselors.” footage not found, she’s incapable of thinking about a single thing but rand and how hot she wants to look for him. “you could be a queen, if you wished it.” LMAO elayne has not been out here busting her ass for the past 6 books only for rand to claim that useless helpless skill-less min could be a queen! she would not last one HOUR in elayne’s shoes!

“all i wish for is you, stupid looby.” yeah, we know, min. we know.

and then rand’s like hey i wish you didn’t call me names so much and min’s like “well life’s tough isn’t it” what a supportive partner. not that mat/tuon hasn’t already clearly shown us that the narrative does not understand the difference between “cute nicknames to call your partner” and “continuing to call your partner nicknames they have told you they don’t like or want to be called”

min really does exist only to provide outsider pov of rand. the vast majority of her pov chapters since joining him could be summarized without having to even mention her hardly at all. because she never actually DOES anything, she just sits there watching other people do things and tells us about it. she’s a narrator, not a participant. in this scene, rand and the domani are hard at work getting the city back in order and min doesn’t even HELP she literally just sits on a crate and watches everyone else work! i hate her so much. elayne and aviendha would be rolling up their sleeves and going right into the thick of it!

“i have heard some of what these men in white have done in the wetlands. i think they wear white to hide what is dark inside of them.” go off edarra! “we shouldn’t be fighting them, not with the last battle coming. if we squabble among ourselves, we will lose to the dark one.” “i would like to have seen someone suggest that to you when [the shaido] still held your wife!” go OFF edarra!

and so perrin wusses out of killing the whitecloaks, as i predicted, however they’re gonna have a lil trial and that actually sounds fun, i’m excited! but that’s getting a little ahead, so back to earlier in the chapter.

GALAD AND BERELAIN ARE IMMEDIATELY SMITTEN WITH EACH OTHER JKFJG I’M HOLLERING hot people supremacy! the bisexual population of randland is shaking! literally the parks and rec “they would make the most beautiful super baby, but what if super baby became too powerful?” meme!

“‘elayne’s fine,’ perrin said gruffly. ‘last i heard - which was only a few days back - she’d secured her claim to the throne. i wouldn’t be surprised if she’s looking to marry rand by now. if she can pull him away from whatever realm he’s conquering.’” thank you perrin for another randlayne crumb but also i’m hollering again jdkfgj poor elayne has worked so hard to keep her relationship with rand under wraps and perrin is out here blabbing about it to two entire armies! perrin and min shaking hands meme on spilling every single detail of elayne’s personal life to half the continent

ok but like fuck man i would LOOOOVE to see randlayne go public now that elayne’s secured the throne and doesn’t have to worry as much about being seen as tdr’s puppet. they would be the power couple of randland!!! even moreso than berelain and galad!! crying over the wasted potential!! tho i guess making it known (or at least heavily suspected) that the babies are the dragon reborn’s kids is still definitely a concern since it would put targets on their backs. but if so many people already fucking know anyway then what is there to lose lmao

also, it makes me incredibly smug that pretty much every single one of rand’s friends would definitely be team randlayne over team rand/min if given a choice - elayne is mat, nynaeve, and egwene’s bestie, and perrin at least knows her from a few weeks in the stone as opposed to min whom he met for a day. egwene has no idea rand even has a relationship with min, and mat seems to have forgotten he saw them fucking and perrin doesn’t seem to have ever seen min and rand being romantic since he’s so confident rand’s going to marry elayne (which leads me to conclude that he thinks about rand way less than mat does and thus has way fewer visions of him)

“had aybara intended insult by indicating a relationship between elayne and the dragon reborn? unfortunately, galad knew his sister all too well. she was impulsive, and she had shown an unseemly fascination with young al’thor. ‘my sister may do as she wishes,’ galad said, surprised at how easily he contained his annoyance at both her and the dragon reborn.” oh i can’t wait for galad and gawyn to both show up at the palace and be like “elayne! what’s new?” and she goes “oh, this is my husband the dragon reborn and my husband the general of the dragon’s armies and my wife an aiel channeler, and also i’m pregnant with the dragon reborn’s twins!” and they just lose their shit

perrin’s like “the whitecloaks attacked me and killed my friend” “the woman who was with you?” “no, a wolf” kfgk cracking up over this (i should note that is an approximation of the conversation, not a transcription hjdkf)

“wolves hate shadowspawn” “and how do you know this” [silence] why is this entire conversation so funny!!

and then galad’s like “ok well i don’t think that killing a wolf is grounds for murder so........” he’s so tired, can’t help but sympathize with him a little in this convo jdkfjgh

“he glanced at [berelain] for a moment, and found her blushing as she regarded him. it was faint, but he was sure he saw it. he found himself blushing as well.” oh my god wholesome!!!! the 2 sexiest characters on the continent (objectively, anyway - in my heart i know it’s actually rand and elayne who hold those crowns) turning into shy blushing messes because of each other, i’m! 🥺

morgase-galad reunion!!!! “that was his stepmother. that red-gold hair he had tugged as a child. that face, so beautiful and strong. those eyes. those were her eyes.” “hesitantly, galad reached out and touched the apparition on the cheek. the skin was warm.” “she cut off as he seized her in an embrace.” 😭😭😭😭

galad HAS redeemed himself somewhat in this chapter, mostly because i am a sucker for his and morgase’s relationship (and also because his new thing with berelain is adorable). however, still thrilled to see morgase drag his ass a little bit: “i’m taking you back to my camp, mother. then we can discuss the way you were treated by [perrin].” “an order, galad? have i no say in the matter? ... i have more to fear from your...associates than from perrin aybara.” you tell him!

galad and perrin decide to have morgase be the judge in perrin’s trial. “both men turned to morgase. she stood in her simple yellow dress, looking more a queen by the moment.” ❤️❤️❤️ i do love morgase’s arc! i just wish it had been less trauma porn-y during the middle books, and also that tallanvor did not exist.

“[egwene] loathed [the seanchan] with a hatred that sometimes worried her.” you hold onto that hatred egwene! everybody else is going soft on them, you better hold onto that hatred!

scenes of egwene absolutely owning the hall my beloved! “‘i believe the hall acts in wisdom,’ egwene said, speaking very carefully. the sitters turned to her. some looked relieved. those who were more familiar with her, however, looked suspicious.” that’s my girl! ❤️❤️

the hall doesn’t want egwene having control over the war against the shadow, so they propose that they have sole control over the war and egwene have sole control over dealing with monarchs. but then SIKE the dragon reborn IS a monarch since he’s the king of illian, so egwene has sole control over dealing with him!! cackling and pumping my fist!

“he will need a firm, familiar hand” suddenly i am hoping that the show beefing up randgwene will result in some kinky Authority Issues and Asserting Dominance late-series fics for them jkfjg

egwene also gets a proposal passed that meetings of the hall can’t convene without every sitter and the amyrlin present (unless someone can’t be found or has sent word directly that they can’t attend), so no more secret meetings where some sitters can sneakily get things passed without their opponents there to prevent it (such as siuan’s deposition)

“the last battle is here. i will not withdraw my proposal. either you will stand now, or you will be known - through all time - as one of those who refused. at the dusk of an age, can you not stand for openness and light?” no one does inspirational and/or guilt-trip-y speeches like egwene! ❤️

i don’t caaaaare about ituralde. he was introduced way too late in the story for me to get invested. his plotlines should’ve gone to bashere instead, i care about bashere! bashere’s actually been super underused the past few books, now that i think about it. probably because a new great general was invented to get all these plotlines!

“[morgase] remembered her first impressions of [galad], long ago when she’d married his father. the young child had simply been part of the deal, and while morgase had adopted him, she had always worried that he felt less loved than his siblings.” 🥺

“[as a child, galad had been] quick to point out when someone did something wrong. but unlike other children - elayne especially - he had not used his knowledge as a weapon.” no need to do elayne like that wtf! she’s one of the most generous and empathetic characters in the series, not someone who weaponizes other people’s mistakes! the only person she does that to (besides her enemies ofc) is mat, but a) he usually starts it and b) egwene and nynaeve, who ARE judgmental in this way, influenced her attitude towards him, and even so she was always much fairer to him than nynaeve was.

“galad, listen to yourself. you name them witches? you went to train with them, perhaps to become a warder!” get his ass!

“what is the point of this, mother?” “to make you think, son. in ways that i should have encouraged before, rather than leaving you to your simple illusions. life is not so easy as the toss of a coin, one side or the other.” get his ass! “the Children like to speak of the light protecting them, of guiding their judgment and leading people to justice. that isn’t how it works, galad...sometimes a good man can do wrong. at times, it is appropriate to punish him. at other times, punishment serves nobody, and the best thing to do is to let him continue and learn.” get his ass! such a great convo, but i can’t believe that a 30-year-old adult needs this explained to him lmao galad’s Lawful Goodness really does stretch credibility at times.

tam tells perrin that aes sedai have summoned him to see rand, so we get a nice little timeline matchup milestone here

elayne is carried on a litter to the city walls to watch the dragon demonstration because she promised melfane that she’d stay off her feet but NOT that she’d stay in her bedroom jkjfg i love her!!! an icon!

“she spared a moment to feel guilty for making the poor men, in dress uniform, carry her through this early-summer heat. but these men would ride to battle in her name; they could stand a little warm weather. how often did guardsmen get the honor of carrying their queen, anyway?” this feels like the type of Spoiled Entitled Noble Caricature that mat thinks elayne is but that we have never seen elayne to be in her own pov (or in non-mat povs). i just keep getting the sense that sanderson doesn’t like elayne lmao or is exaggerating/criticizing her flaws in a way that doesn’t feel true to rj’s elayne.

the theme of this recap is: is sanderson actually being harder on elayne than rj was, or have i just by now seen so much elayne hate online that it makes me extra hypersensitive to even the tiniest perceived criticism of her?

“she had to find a way to seize the sun throne without mixing to much in the local House politics.” okay, so sounds like it would be a great time to have a randlayne reunion in cairhien so rand can publicly give her the sun throne and the cairhienin nobility won’t be able to say shit about it (since elayne has said earlier in this book that openly accepting THIS throne as a gift from rand is no problem at all, unlike the lion throne). i always love to see elayne shine on her own and am excited to find out how she snags the sun throne, don’t get me wrong, i’m just saying that throughout this series, so many things would get done so much faster and more easily if characters actually made use of Traveling/TAR to be in constant contact with each other so they can lend each other a hand sometimes! and if rand ever actually bothered to pop in and visit his own girlfriend from time to time!

“someone [on the next tower over] raised a hat into the air and waved at her. mat wanted to watch from the tower with the working dragon, it seemed. foolhardy man. what if the thing exploded like a nightflower?” mat waves at elayne! elayne is worried about mat being too close to the dragon!

“elayne focused on [the people in the other tower] with the glass. one carried a small torch. mat watched with a curious expression.” elayne i see you going “oh let me look through my little looking glass so i can see the dragon” and then just checking out mat instead

“mat was holding his ears and scowling, which gave elayne a smile. he really should have watched from her tower.” elayne wishes mat was in her tower with her 😌

and so cannons have been invented! i will end the recap with an ominous quote from birgitte on the nature of warfare: “the world just changed, elayne. it just changed in a very large way. i have a terrible feeling that it’s only the beginning.”

[seiyasabi]

Idolised

(Here’s a Yandere Todo Aoi x Female Reader story :P I wrote up the layout for this a while ago, and I’m currently madly in love w him, so here we are! 

Thank you all so much for your support and being so understanding of my situation. I love you all so much ;)

TW: !noncon/dubcon!, !Has a whole ass shrine dedicated to you, you literally don’t know he exists lmao, !claims he's ur bf to everyone, manipulation!, intimidation!, sort of kidnapping!, !forced cunnilingus!, etc.. 

Please proceed with caution!)

“(Your Name)-Chan, why didn’t you tell us that you have a boyfriend?” You slowly stop chewing, chopsticks going slack in your hand. Eyes darting towards your friend Mika, you raise an unamused eyebrow. 

“What are you talking about, Mika-Chan? I don’t have a boyfriend,” All of your girlfriends look at each other, unbelieving of your claim. All giggle, thinking that you’re just being shy. 

“Ne~ don’t be coy! It’s okay to tell us about your boyfriend! From the pictures I’ve seen, he’s quite handsome, huh?” At this point, you’re completely confused. Are they pranking you? You don’t have a boyfriend! 

“I genuinely have no idea what you’re talking about-“ The seat next to you slides out, and a hulking figure plops itself down on the wooden chair, the wood creaking horrifically underneath their weight. 

Their arm wraps around the back of your own chair, practically engulfing you in the crook of their enormous elbow, “Hey, Pretty Girl. I’m sorry that I’m late, you know how late my classes run sometimes.” 

You’re too scared to even turn towards the large man, choosing instead to look at your friends with a horrified expression. They don’t notice it, too busy ogling at the apparent eye candy next to you, “Uhm, I’m sorry, but who are you? And why do they think that you’re my boyfriend?” An awkward silence immediately follows after, the man’s hand gripping the wood behind you so hard that it creaks. 

He forces a deep laugh, which sounds quite menacing. He moves his hand onto your back, his warm palm felt through your stylish top, “You’re so funny, (Nickname)-Chan! It’s alright, you don’t need to hide me anymore. I messaged your girls last week, they know about us.” 

“Yeah, (First Name)-Chan! It’s okay! We think you’re both so adorable,” They practically fawn over the two of you, trying to push you closer into each other’s arms. The man next to you takes this in stride, practically hauling your chair up next to his. His arm is now fully around you, as you lean in close to your hair and neck. He inhaled deeply, a satisfied grunt rumbling through his chest. 

“Don’t do anything stupid, (Your Name)-Chan. If you know what’s good for you, you’ll follow my every whim,” Tears of fear and anxiety bead your eyes, which your friends take as relief that you’re no longer hiding away from them. 

“Don’t cry, (First Name)-Chan! It’s okay! We all support you wholeheartedly!” 

The rest of the lunch consisted of you being extremely uncomfortable, and your closest friends being none the wiser. Somehow, they don’t notice how you constantly inch away from him, only to be dragged back to his side. Somehow, they don’t know how he’s whispering mild threats into your ear. 

But, through this time, you learned the name of your so-called ‘boyfriend.’ Todo Aoi, the beast currently keeping you glued to your seat in fear. He’s so much bigger than you, so much faster, seemingly so much smarter. 

“Bye, (First Name)-Chan, Bye, Todo-Kun! It was nice to meet you!” Your friends wave the two of you off, one of his large hands securely on the small of your back. His grip is bruising, controlling. Todo practically pushes you towards an unknown destination, your body only able to continue forward, whether you wanted it to or not. 

“I’m proud of you, (First Name)-Chan. I knew my girl was smart, beautiful, and capable. This just proved it to me,” A small whimper escapes your throat, as fresh tears bead your eyes. 

“Why are you doing this? What do you want from me?” A booming laugh is heard, practically shaking the ground below you, causing you to flinch. 

“Why am I doing this? Well, I’m doing this, because I love you. I want us to be together, so we’re going home,” He says this as if it solved all of your problems. 

“But we don’t know each other, why even bother-“ 

“We know each other. I saved your life, remember?” For the first time tonight, you look at him. His distinct scar immediately catches your attention- this man did, in fact, save your life. Two months prior, someone or something shoved you onto some train tracks, right in front of an oncoming train. In a mere moment, the bulky man grabbed you from the tracks, and hopped back up onto the platform, effectively saving your life. 

“I-Bu-But what? We met only once, and-“ He shushes you, forcing you closer to his side, his entire hand practically engulfing your waist. 

“There’s no need to worry. In that Moment, I knew that you were meant to be my beautiful Princess. You need me to care for you, and I’m up for the task.” 

“Princess? Sir, I think you need help! We’ve only talked once, and while I’m grateful for you saving my life, I think this is excessive! Please let me go!” 

He ignores you, sighing dreamily about what the two of you will get up to. Todo couldn’t wait to add more to your shrine at home! He’ll be sure to get as much dirty clothes, used tissues, and everything else he could ever want! 

Forcing you into an upper class loft building, he guides you by the small of your spine into a lift, disregarding the old woman inside. She looks at you as if the both of you are the most adorable couple she’s ever seen, making you shift in discomfort. Todo takes it in stride, practically preening under her gaze, but pretending it has no effect on him. 

He nonchalantly presses his floor’s number, before placing that hand on your hip, and rubbing it in circular motions. You try to move away from him, but his grip is solid. 

Before long, the lift stops on his floor, and he pushes you out. You stumble into the area outside of his front door- his home being the only one on the entire floor. The door itself has a pin pad on its handle, which he quickly typed in, once he’s directly in front of it, leading you to believe that there’s most likely a second pin pad on the other side. 

Once you hear the click of the door being unlocked, Todo moves away from the entryway, and motions you inside, “Go ahead, Princess.” 

In a Moment of defiance, you shake your Head no, “I think this has gone on long enough,” His eyes narrow slightly, yet you continue, practically shaking in your shoes, “I-I don’t want to go inside. Please let me go home.” 

His booming laughter fills the small space, as he shakes his head in disbelief, “You’re adorable, (Nickname)-Chan! Now, go inside before I become angry.” The bite in his final words forces you forward, into his dark flat. 

He flicks on the light switch the moment you step inside, momentarily blinding you. Once you’re able to blink away the dots swimming in your vision, you’re greeted with a fairly normal sight. The living room, kitchen, and dining room are conjoined in an open concept, making the large place seem even larger. Two hallways branch off on either side of the large room, most likely leading to a master, a guest room, bathroom, and an office. 

“What do you think? I read in a magazine that women like clean homes, so I deep clean this flat at least once a week.” 

You aren’t sure what to say, but you nod along anyway, “Yes, it’s very nice.” He beams down at you, cheeks practically stretching to the fullest extent. 

“This shows that I know how to make women happy! I believe that’s a redeeming quality,” You awkwardly give him the side eye, “Oh, don’t look at me like that, silly girl! I have many more redeeming qualities if that one isn’t good enough. Now,” He clasps your shoulder with a large hand, “Why don’t I show you our bedroom?” 

“Our?” Your eyes are practically bugging out of your skull, as he nods gleefully. 

“We’re a couple, aren’t we? And couples share everything with each other.” 

With that, he practically drags you down the left hallway. There’s only one door at the end of the hall, signalling that this is the master bedroom. With one hand, he pushes open the door, before coaxing you inside. His hand that was previously on your shoulder migrates to the bottom of your spine. The room is a mixture of black and your favourite colour, showcasing that this room is the both of yours. 

The bed is quite large, most likely to accommodate your large captor and yourself, “I thought you’d like that your favourite colour is in here.” 

You say nothing, tears beading your eyes. You wring your hands in anxiety, as he leads you to the bed. He sits you down on the edge, before kneeling in front of you. Todo leans forward, resting on your thighs, all whilst still practically towering over you even when sitting. 

“Why’re you crying, Princess? There’s no reason to,” He swipes under your eye the moment the first tear falls. 

“Why am I crying? You must be joking! You-you just kidnapped me!” He shushes you once more, causing a spark of anger to course through you. He hasn’t listened to a single complaint you’ve voiced! “Stop doing that! It’s rude! I’m allowed to be upset-“ 

With two massive hands, he forces your thighs open, “I know your work has you stressed, Pretty Girl- why don’t you let me calm you down?” He pushes his hands up your thighs, your skirt barely covering your pussy,  allowing his thumbs to ghost over your panty clad cunny. 

You try to thrash out of his hold, pushing against his hands, “No! Let go of me!” Your thrashing does nothing, as just the weight of his forearms we’re enough to press your thighs to the bed. His left hand rubs against your clit and hole, trying to make you as wet as possible. You try to push against his forearms, but he presses down harder. 

His thumb rubs fluidly over your clit in an even pressure. Your hips press up, trying to buck him off, but it only causes him to press down harder. In no time, you’re growing wet against his ministrations. You choke back your whines, smacking his arms, before pushing against his head which hovers just above your cunt. 

“Do you feel that, Princess? You’re getting so wet!” He suddenly presses his open mouth against your mound, tongue matching pace with his thumb. A moan escapes your throat before you can stop it, halting the large man in his tracks. You sound so perfect to him! 

In one swift motion, he yanks your panties down your legs, and tosses them onto the mattress beside you. You try to close your legs, but it’s no use. I’m seconds, he has your thighs presses as far open as they can go, and his face is buried in your pretty cunny. His tongue dips into your folds, savouring your taste, before flicking against your clit. 

His tongue rubs against your clit in swift, smooth motions, quickly causing you to grow wetter than before. Your slick drips down your cunny, coating your ass and inner thighs. More moans escape your mouth, as you writhe against him. 

“Sto-Stop! Oh my god-“ He gives a small laugh at your begs, eating you out faster than before. Loud slurps and ‘mms’ are heard throughout the room, as you quickly go over the edge. Your juices squirt out of your cunny, coating his chin and his shoulders in slick. A loud keen is heard throughout the room. 

The mixture of your wonderful cum and loud moans causes the large man to bust a load in his pants. He groans against you, causes your thighs to tremble in overstimulation. Todo removes himself from your pussy (not before licking up as much slick as possible), and smiles up at you. 

“You’re so wonderful, (Nickname)-Chan! I should’ve done this sooner!” 

[writertitan]

Only You

pairing: levi x reader 

word count: 2307

themes: jealous!reader, so much fluff and comfort, one could say too much fluff (but not me), angst if you squint at the beginning

requested by anon

A single, light touch of his arm and batting of lashes never affected you. Plenty of girls had done this before and were always shaken off of Levi by the man himself, almost instantly. He was always quick to draw a boundary, with women especially, if they got too close for comfort. It was the persistence of this current girl, though, that made you squirm and made you uncomfortable. Because she was good at making it lighthearted, innocent, not as brash and bold as all the others who had tried to flirt with Levi before. And if Levi had caught on to her advances, he hadn’t done a thing to ward her off. 

Granted, she was an employee, someone who was helping you both pick out a birthday gift for Hange, but you were able to read between the lines. The way she let her fingers brush with Levi’s just for a moment as she handed him a potential gift for your mutual friend, the way her smile was polite for you but beaming for Levi, the way her eyes sparkled when his own gaze landed on her, the way she was either between the two of you or next to him, but never next to you. Her praises of his taste when he looked at a new gift, her polite recognition of you when Levi would ask for your input, all of it, just all of it. You weren’t blind to it but it seemed that Levi was. It made you quiet, quieter than usual, but you couldn’t help your own unspoken behaviors that told more than words could. You were fidgeting, withdrawn, and while Levi didn’t seem to notice the girl’s advances, he did quickly tune into the fact that getting a full sentence out of you was suddenly like pulling teeth. 

Eventually, you let Levi take the lead and shrunk back from him and the girl, your heart sinking low each time she smiled at him, each time she complimented him. Your arms were folded tightly over your chest, as if to keep your heart in one piece, and you hoped that you didn’t look as uncomfortable and upset as you felt. Still, you felt your eyes squinting each time they interacted, and you felt yourself hiding into yourself, wishing you could do more than just watch.

“What do you think?” he pressed you, holding up a small apothecary box. “Four Eyes has been harping on and on about experimenting with alchemy like the crackpot she is. You think this set will be put to good use?” 

You watched as the girl blinked at you expectantly, eyes wide and innocent as she shuffled closer to Levi. 

Try as you might to try and get even a short approval out of your mouth, the words couldn’t come. They were stuck in your throat, bubbling over and dying out before you could even open your mouth. You gave Levi a shrug, and finally, a short and simple, “She’ll like it,” left your lips. Barely above a whisper. 

Levi was frustrated with you now, you could tell, but said nothing of it as he walked up to the counter to pay for the gift. You hadn’t followed him and that had spurred the employee on a little, it seemed; she was much chattier as she packaged the gift for Levi, marveling again about what a wonderful gift giver he was. It wasn’t until she handed Levi the package and set her hand on his arm for a moment too long that it seemed to click for him. 

“Come back again soon,” you heard her say. Levi said nothing to her, and said nothing to you as you both stepped out into the evening. 

                 — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Not a word had been said since leaving the shop. Levi had taken you back to his room and you sat down in a chair in the corner as you fidgeted quietly, those words still squashed and thick in your throat. Truth be told, you knew that it was a little silly. Levi would never encourage flirtatious behavior, much less reciprocate, and he may have genuinely not noticed earlier. But that had been the first time someone had blatantly disregarded you like that. That had been the first time a woman had been so shameless in her pursuit, however discreet it was. 

“Are we going to talk about it or are you going to keep moping?” Levi asked from his closet, grabbing some clothes to change into for bed. His voice cut clear into the air, cutting away at the tension that was palpable. After grabbing the clothes he’d decided on, he walked to his bed and sat on the edge, gazing at you intently. 

You blushed, huddling up in your chair more and sighing. He knew, better than most, how you preferred to show how you were feeling with your actions, your body language, rather than with actual words. In a lot of ways, Levi was exactly the same, the only difference being that he wasn’t one to shy away from confrontation when needed. 

Part of you wanted to just shrink away into nothing and try to pretend it never happened. You’d get over it. After all, you weren’t mad at Levi, weren’t even mad at the girl. You were just mad at yourself now. All of these words wanted to be blurted out, but you didn’t even know where to begin. The other part of you that didn’t want to run away from this took the lead, not giving you time to think or regret the choice to get up and sit on the edge of Levi’s bed next to him, your eyes downcast as you swallowed thickly, as if physically opening up your throat to finally speak your mind. 

“It made me uncomfortable,” you admitted to him in a quiet voice. “How the girl was acting with you, I mean. And I know it’s so silly to feel like this. Nothing happened and nothing was going to happen. I trust you completely and I’m not mad at you. I’m not mad at anybody except for myself. I’m just so upset that I let it get to me, and I’m even more upset that I still don’t know how to speak my mind like you can. I also just...don’t want to seem like a crazed and possessive partner, but I’ll admit that I got jealous. I’m sorry.” 

And there you were, rambling away, hoping that what you were saying was even coherent. 

When Levi didn’t answer right away, you looked up from your lap to see that he actually looked taken aback, like he hadn’t expected that to be your response. He scoffed your name moments later, back to his usual self, but you saw the softness in his eyes as he gazed at you. 

“I didn’t realize what she was up to until the end,” he said, reaching over to place a hand on your thigh. “You know if I’d caught on earlier, I would have put a stop to it.” 

“I know,” you said lamely, gazing at him from under your lashes. “I’m sorry for getting jealous. It was just...the first time it had happened like that. She just didn’t stop.” 

Much to your chagrin, your words elicited a small smirk from Levi. 

“Stop apologizing. You have nothing to be sorry for,” he said to you, willingly letting you lean into him. “The one who should apologize is the snotty girl who honestly wasn’t even that helpful. I’m surprised you were jealous of her.”

“Huh?” You lifted your head up from your place on his shoulder to look at him. “Why surprised?” 

Levi returned your gaze steadily, raising a brow as if it were so obvious and you weren’t getting it. 

“Because there was no contest. There never is. I don’t give a shit about anybody but you.”

Oh. 

Instantly you were blushing, your heart sputtering out of control. It wasn’t often that Levi admitted things like that, but when he did, it always caught you off guard. He always said things so bluntly and so decisively. 

He only had eyes for you. Though you already knew that, it was nice to hear it, and it washed away the remnants of the jealousy still stirring through you. 

Again, you couldn’t find the words. Only this time, it was for a good reason, a positive thing. Left speechless by Levi yet again. You took your preferred route of speaking your feelings through actions, and leaned in to press a grateful kiss into his mouth, your hand reaching up to comb back his hair from his face. 

“You know that no one compares to you, either, right?” you asked against his lips, slowly pulling back to gaze at him. 

“Of course,” he snorted, squeezing your thigh before getting up. “I’m making us some tea before bed. Be back soon.” 

You stood and got changed for bed, greeting Levi with a tight-lipped smile when he returned with a tray filled with your teacups, the tea pot, and a few of your favorite tea snacks. He set the tray down at the small table by his bed and changed into his own pajamas as well, calling over his shoulder as he adjusted his shirt, “Let’s read some of that book you’ve been wanting to finish before bed, too.” 

“Really?” you asked, brightening up at the thought. You and Levi hadn’t done that in a while; you in his lap, resting against his chest as he sat up against the headboard, the two of you silently reading a book you held with Levi always nudging you to let you know when he wanted you to turn the page (and then making fun of you for reading too slow). The current book you were reading was a little too sappy - his words, not yours - so he hadn’t been following along. 

“Come here,” he instructed, getting under the covers and pulling you into him once you’d grabbed your book. You settled into him like you normally did, both of you reaching over to grab your cups of tea and take a sip, and that’s when you noticed that Levi had prepared your favorite kind of tea, and had made it his special way for you: a small hint of honey, which he only saved for special days since it had been such an expensive batch, and a dash of cinnamon. Your heart swelled at his thoughtfulness, knowing that instead of telling you, Levi was showing you how much you meant to him. Hell, he was even willing to have tea in bed with you. He usually made you drink at his desk with him. 

“Just the way I like it,” you murmured after taking another gulp, giving Levi a warm and loving grin; your way of letting him know that you appreciated what he was doing. 

Levi hummed in acknowledgement and set his cup back down on the tray, nodding towards the book silently, and you quickly flipped open to the page you’d ended on. Squirming around in his arms until you were sort of facing him, you gave him a brief summary of what had happened so far, so he wouldn’t be lost. 

“So my prediction is that, since he’s leaving and doesn’t know when he’ll come back if at all, she’ll tell him that she still loves him,” you finished proudly, turning back around to press your back flush against Levi’s chest. 

“Like I said before...sappy as shit,” Levi grumbled. You smirked when his chin rested on your shoulder to read with you, though, and reached up with one hand to stroke his cheek with your thumb before completely absorbing yourself into your book. 

The two of you stayed like that for a long time, with both of you silently reading to yourselves and Levi pressing a soft kiss to your jaw to signal he was ready to turn the page. Occasionally you’d stop for short tea breaks and to nibble on the snacks he’d brought along, a comfortable silence embracing the two of you. 

After a loud yawn from you, Levi squeezed his arms around you and made a small noise in his throat as he nuzzled into your neck, one hand moving to snatch the book from your hands to toss it to the end of the bed. It was well into the night now and all the candles you’d lit at the bedside table to help with reading were burning low, making your eyes heavy. 

“Time for bed,” he announced, hoisting you up by the waist and gently scooting you off his lap and into your own spot in bed. He adjusted the blankets around you and then gave you a long, unreadable look as you settled your head into the pillow, eyes half-lidded and blinking slowly as you tried to hold his gaze. He didn’t speak, just reached out to adjust the hair out of your face. But then, after another moment of deliberation, leaned in and whispered, “Do you feel better?” 

You smiled tiredy and nodded, reaching out to hold his hand in yours for a moment. “Much. Thank you for making me feel better.” 

“Jealous brat,” he murmured before pressing a kiss to your forehead, getting out of bed and grabbing the tray to clean up and get it out of the room. You tried to wait for him to come back but just couldn’t stay awake much longer, much less keep your eyes open. 

You vaguely heard Levi come back in after a while, sliding under the covers with you, but your mind was foggy and already in the beginnings of a soft dream. Absently, you moved to be closer to him, succumbing to sleep as a voice whispered in your ear, “There’s only you.”