#ignore me and my stupid little thoughts | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

mysticalcats · 2 months ago

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ok fellas this post is really different from my other stuff so i'm putting it under the cut for people who don't care and also because i'm slightly embarrassed

ok so. is it unusual for a girl to want to have a deep voice and a flat chest and a more square face and also feel slightly jealous of men and want to sound like them and look like them

and also is it unusual to want to be all that, but also simultaneously not be very bothered very much by how you look right now or by being referred to with she/her except for sometimes when you think about it too much. because i usually don't think about it except for sometimes where i suddenly just get really sad about being a girl or i'll always have this faint feeling that i am just unhappy about it

and also is it unusual to try to ignore it and go about your life being unbothered by it even though deep down it does kinda bother you but you can't really. like. say anything to anyone because your family won't react well and neither will your friends because they'll think it's weird and uncomfortable. i feel afraid to ever feel this way because i know the people in my life won't react well to it

so like. genuine question please lmk wtf is goin on because i'm unsure if it's normal and i've felt like this for a long time and it's confusing me and i don't even know what i'm going to do with the information once i know i'm just sort of lost LMAO

#vent #ig???????????#it's not even funny (it's a little funny) how the only reason i've like. thought about this was because i am becoming #more and more jealous of actors in the musicals i watch #greaseball when i get you. when i get you #like i know it IS possible play as male characters in musicals or something as a girl if i ever wanted to #but the thing is i want to look like them and sound like them and i want to be masculine #this is me questioning my gender on my fucking cats the musical tumblr blog everybody point and laugh #might delete later depending on how embarrassed i get ARGH #I FEEL SHEEPISH #had this in my drafts for a long time but i'm caving in and posting it because i had a bad night last night thinking abt it #and i need to know. also i'm lying in bed having to get up and i don't wanna so i'm making excuses #anyway again. i'm embarrassed feel free to ignore this is so stupid #ok. being brave about this #i don't like being negative on here. idk if it's negative but it might come off that way and i don't want to be awkward #also idk how sharing it here will help. but i don't really know what else to go to #if nobody got me i know tumblr got me can i get an amen #keep adding tags to this like it's going to change anything. post the damn thing idiot #why am i adding so many tags like i'm hyping myself up in the mirror JUST POST IT

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storywestistrash · 2 months ago

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i am actually so tired of the way westerners treat eastern europeans

#fair warning for. a very very long ramble and rant in the tags. apologies #westerner or russian. no other option #westerner because the only thought they ever have is 'but they had universal housing so if you oppose ussr you oppose that'#(which is stupid becuse you can believe in that WITHOUT WANTING LIKE 6 COUNTRIES TO BE FORCED TO BE RULED OVER BY RUSSIA)#(SORRY FOR WANTING TO LIVE IN MY COUNTRY WITH MY HISTORY AND MY CULTURE AND NOT RUSSIA!!) (poland was a sattelite state but GOD)#or russian because they have a victim complex and are convinced that they deserve to rule over the entire damn world #'well you had universal housing so you had it easy' right yeah. okay. forget about like. everything else that happened #to eastern europeans during that time #forget about the things that are STILL issues all these years later not only in poland but like the more eastern countries too #its not about. the fact that the houses 'didnt have 3 bedrooms and a jacuzzi' in them. you DUMB SACK OF SHIT #god sorry. sorry. i also know so very little but like god damn i fucking live here. i didnt sit thru all that modern history #for some dumbfuck to say that 'ohhh only rich and american middle class people are happy the ussr was dissolved'#'oooh the dissolving of the ussr was illegal and the countries within it actually liked being there'#im just so fucking tired man i need to. i need to start killing people #and this is all not to mention that theyll say this stupid shit and then deny eastern europeans the things they actually did that were good #FUCK french people for trying to claim maria skłodowska. fuck americans for trying to claim the witcher as their own fantasy world #fuck the way the west is allowed to claim and destroy eastern european culture without any consequence because we dont matter enough #vaguely related but ill throw this in here since anyone finding it is unlikely and im scared of having this opinion #i think one underappreciated aspect of DE (which might be underappreciated because its not actually there and im stupid)#is that its pro-communist while still also giving some criticism to how it was handled and acknowledging that its still not perfect #which makes the writers much better communists than any self-proclaimed one ive ever met in my life who just worships the idea #perhaps its because the writers of the game were not white upper middle-class americans living in the suburbs. among other things #idk de is a game for people far smarter than me and i only played it once and im sure anyone who played it well can clock me as a bad perso #horrible horrible person even which is why im scared of mentioning it. but its an interesting thing. to me #the main thing is that im just not. im not far left enough i suppose. i agree communism in theory is a great idea. as far as i know it #(which isnt very far)#but chances of implementing it correctly in a way that doesnt take away from peoples happiness in other areas is. low. very low #i wrote a short essay about how utopias are inherently contradictory ideas once it wasnt very deep or good but like #you cant have universal happiness without restricting certain freedoms. and when those freedoms are resticted not everyone #will be happy. and then theyre unhappy they will have to be somehow removed or ignored

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houndfaker · 10 months ago

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i dont think ive flat out drawn kikumitsu before but the beast awoke tonight i guess

#p3 #persona 4 arena ultimax #p4au #mitsuru kirijo #kikuno saikawa #kikumitsu #kikuyukamitsu #<- mostly for organizational purposes on my part even if the stupid gay archer isnt anywhere to be seen.#quinn moment #quinn drawings #goinjg to be a weirdly long tag ramble sorry i have a lot of thoughts rn it is almost definitely because at the time of writing this its 3a #funfact kikunos back was arched at least like 30% more in the original sketch and i adjusted it after being like well thats scary actually #i produce A Lot about the kikuno/yukari aspect of kym because theyre by far the duo touched on the least in the polycule #i find their dynamic really weird and gay and funny so i doodle about it a lot #but it occurred to me i actually havent touched a whole hell of a lot on the kikumitsu side of things because imo they have the most #like...complicated thing going on?#special and particular relationship one that is beyond friendship. not even in the romantic sense its just that their roles and their #feelings towards each other transcend expectation.#in my little scenario its just really interesting to think about them navigating this shift in their bond. the deep feelings each one had #either set aside for ease or ignored in fear of misunderstanding. bits and pieces of themselves they opted to hide for their own or one #anothers protection. slowly bearing to one another that oh it was never just that i thought you were strong. it was never just that i wante #your happiness. i wanted to be by your side too. always. i am selfish underneath try as i might to never appear as such.#getting used to being able to want. getting used to knowing its not a bad thing to want. changing is scary but its good its ok #i get the impression theyre shy about each other. but also very eager. theyve been holding onto these pent up feelings for such a long time #that its only natural theyd want to be able to express them freely. but they have to take it bit by bit. save for moments where #it just becomes too much to bear i think? and they have to express it to each other immediately and desperately. which is what i wanted to #convey here i think.#god rest your soul if you read through all this it is sooo early in the morning and i have no reason to be getting this sick over #an obscure and underrated dynamic i dedicate unnecessary amounts of thought to

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phagodyke · 26 days ago

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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍

#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man #thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking #mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they #dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done #listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life #i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this #once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i #dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this #ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be #i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about #how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being #given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out #entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please #its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have #to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once #and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general #feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this #but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is #i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired #i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if #i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore #i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr #and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning #my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better #it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood #my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it #cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen #.vent #ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.

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punkrockisafulltimejob · 1 year ago

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For those who are unsure of whether or not they really have the "sensitivity to cold" symptom of fibromyalgia, because you think that it's just you not being able to handle colder temperatures like other people, that's one way of putting it. The other way is, when it's winter and the temperatures start dropping, do you feel your pain more intensely? Do you feel like you have more problems with your joints? Is your partner always commenting how cold your fingers and toes are, but it somehow gets more frequent in winter? Those are other ways to consider being sensitive to the cold.

#just a little food for thought #I'm thinking bc I'm high af #I had to take an entire 50 mg gummy tonight because I had some serious fucking pain #I didn't realize it was going to be a consistent pattern of winter making me feel like shit #but here we are in year two of No Longer Ignoring My Symptoms #and I'm still questioning whether or not it's actually fibromyalgia #like I 100% definitively know what it is #I just still don't have the doctors sign off bc I hate phone calls and I'm getting new insurance next month #so I figure might as well wait to see if the new insurance covers any differently #things to look forward to with the new job #anyways I'm forever grateful I didn't have to jump through every stupid ass hoop my husband did when he went full time with my company #it's explicitly designed against people who aren't neurotypical and it's honestly the most bullshit program ever #no they don't give full time by merit in my company #I really only got the job because my file boss wanted me explicitly for her job when she retires #and I will be eternally grateful that she saw something in me that no other manager saw #anyways ignore all these tags anyone who reads this that found this in the fibromyalgia tag instead of my blog #fibromyalgia #>.>#kudos to those who read this far #your journey shall reward you with a small token of my gratitude #🐦‍⬛ a friend for you

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bunnakit · 1 year ago

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🧠: "do you think the kintsugi style table Ai Di eats at is a metaphor for how he and Chen Yi are two broken pieces held together by their love and devotion for each other?"

I THINK IT'S PROBABLY JUST A COOL TABLE IDK BRAIN LEAVE ME ALONE I'M JUST TRYING TO MAKE A GIF

#kiseki dear to me #kiseki #kiseki: dear to me #chen yi x ai di #chen yi x eddie #sometimes i wish i could just ignore little details #and not obsess over them #i just want to make this stupid gif i didn't need to pay attention to the table #sometimes i just sit here with my head in my hands because the thoughts are unending and forever

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subsequentibis · 8 months ago

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one of my supervisors called to check on me bc she thought i was going to quit yesterday if that gives you any idea of how it's been lately

#ignore me #literally said she thought i was going to walk away and just keep walking #what's funny is like yeah it's Tough at work rn but i was mostly just too tired to mask much #what happens at work is someone says something to me and in my head i go AIGHHJUHHFUCKFUCKFUCK THAT'S STUPID #and out loud i go 'okay!! :)'#i've been so tired lately there's been a marked delay between FUCK and okay!#during this delay i am Staring with my default At Work smile on and then i respond a little late. so i think i come off looking homicidal #but i'm not any more homicidal than usual i prommy!!#i'm just This Close to slipping up and saying 'what the fuck's your problem?' instead of 'sure thing i'll get right on that'

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just-spacetrash · 2 months ago

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#not feeling so great as of lately #i thought it was just that i was thinking about stuff at a too late of a time yesterday but now its morning and i still feel bad #sure i slept very badly so maybe its still that but idk it still doesnt feel great no matter what the reason is #i feel like. so annoying lately #and like yea maybe i am and it shouldnt matter yk like all that ur allowed to be annoying and just be urself and whatever #but it just of takes a lot out of u when u t talk about ur interests or ur day or smth ands like everyone just brushes it off or ignores u #and obviously im probably being dramatic like this is a busy time of the year!#and its not always about me and like other ppl have their reasons to do what they do u know #but it still feels bad :'))#also this isnt about like anyone specific its like a combination of little things that FEELS bad to ME not a thing someone else does #like i know ppl dont have to care about stuff yk i like that i KNOW they dont care about so like what do i expect #and i dont ever know what to say to stuff idk anything about either so its very understandable #but its took me years to like. talk about things i like without prompting so it feels like a big hit when i dont get any reaction back fsgsh #and thats not trying to blame anyone else either its not anybody elses fault im not good at something #i think my kind of insecurity is showing one of my friends had to reassure me that yes they do want to hear how im doing fsgsh #but im thankful for that it feels good to hear when ur feeling kind of unstable with ur relationships fshsh #also since i am feeling like. unstable on EVERY relationship i suspect its just seasonal depression or stress or something #still wont stop the brain from like trying to blame itself lmao #this is kind of stupid idk what im trying to even say here #my post #vent #maybe ill delete it later?? this feels stupid

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medicinemane · 2 months ago

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Honestly a lot of the time, it's not even about people having to agree with me, it's about needing to know that they actually heard and listened to what I had to say even if it didn't persuade them

Just... some basic indication that there's enough respect to give a shit about what I said, and also to make sure that they disagree because they actually disagree and not cause they just didn't bother listening

It's all I really ask

#I forgot what this was about part way through writing about it; but then I remembered it's about Ukraine #like I just need to know that you actually understand what's happening there and what people are going through #you want me to care about your thing? show me you have any any any grasp of what's going on in Ukraine #it's uh... it's too many friends where if I'm just honest... this is about them #people I adore but people where... I don't know if they ever even once listen to what I have to say #...though maybe it's better this way... at least if they just ignore me I can say they just don't understand what's going on #that they're just being fed lines by other people or don't care #...if... they... knew the shit Ukrainians go through and still didn't care... would be a lot harder to respect them #would take a certain level of callous to do that and... these are people I care about very much so #...but I don't know; eats at me... you know #...and even on less serious topics... boy I wish you'd ever listen to me #if it weren't for the fact you say you like me... I'd be pretty damn sure you can't fucking stand me and I do nothing but annoy you #...I don't know if you've... ever... listened to anything I've said on any subject #when you do; you usually correct me... even though; brilliant as you are... you're erm... not always right #I don't get it... I don't get you... every word I say seems to be wrong... I'm so stupid and you're so smart #and yet you get real upset when I want to die... so you must actually like me and our communication styles don't match up #thank god you never seem to read my tags... or... much of anything else I say #truthfully I'd follow you anywhere; and you can treat me any way you want #but man I don't think my thoughts or opinions matter to you even a little... I think I just exist to be your rubber duck #...that's how it feels anyway #but all that aside... just wish you'd listen to me on Ukraine cause it actually matters #this post started out about some other people too... and sure... I like them well enough; and they're maddeningly wrong #like sputnik levels or wrong #drives me nuts; like you're not stupid and you're not cruel so why do you act so stupid and cruel?... turn you brain on #but uh... I actually just don't care about them that much #where as you... I could put it into words... but I won't #it's just a shame... like forget any of the stuff about me; it's just you're so kind... wish you'd care about what's going on in Ukraine #...I gotta stop or I'll go on all night; and I'm already too tired #mm tag so i can find things later

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deadrlngers · 2 years ago

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i was tagged by @shadowglens and @risingsh0t to make some ocs in this picrew. thank you so much besties, i loved this picrew so much!! <3

vesper moxley (cp2077) • victoria gray (cp2077) joelle knight (fo4) • nina bower (fo4) selene (oblivion) • hiraeth (skyrim)

tagging: @uldwynsovs @arklay @devilbrakers @nuclearstorms @morvaris @girlbosselrond @indorilnerevarine @moiragf @cultistbase @faarkas @steelport @nokstella @reaperkiller @malefiicarum @brujah @calenhads @lightwardens @aelyosos and whoever else wants to do this or that i missed bc i'm terribly forgetful sorry!!

#tag games #warning i accidentally infodumped in the tags i'm sorry ignore me 😔 ckjsdhdskj #made this based on relationships idk why jdksd. victoria is vesper's bestie 4 life & first gf. joelle & nina my fave wlw married couple #and then for the last one. listen. i've resurected a very old oc and i'm still not so sure but i miss skyrim so bad. they idea is that #they are related as in hiraeth is a descent of selene bc i think dragonborn=martin septim's child> family line going forward until we #have our little hiraeth. i never thought of selene & martin having a kid in canon (only stupid ideas of an au) but u know. what if. she #still ends up in the shivering isles tho and becomes sheogorath. hiraeth's bloodline having like an emperor & a daedric prince. OK KING!!#much to think about tbh. not sure if they/she(probably he too. thinking of their gender as therapy for myself) will stick as nord or maybe #wood elf too like selene. or maybe even dunmer?? it makes no sense fjkdfhk IDK. literally i HAVE so much to think for them #also their name came to me bc i read the welsh word Hiraeth that basically means 'a mixture of longing yearning nostalgia homesickness'#+ 'an expression of an empty desire and grief over a past life or place' and with drangonborns i like to push the idea of 'maybe they were #actual dragons in a past life and now human' u know?? so i thought it was sooo fitting. i also like the idea of the more dragon souls #they absorb the more their features turn..dragonesque?? draconic jkfdhfkdsj idk i love them very much (:#(i have no idea how dragon in past life + martin's bloodline can fit but i'm literally only vibing rn)#i want to replay skyrim SO bad but i need someone to hold my hand so tightly as they help me set up mods for this game bc i never played #skyrim with mods (collective gasp) and i have no idea of what to pick ecc especially bc everything..breaks with a snap of fingers so yea ri #SORRY for talking so much i get excited about new things (my oc in this case) so easily..#oc: vesper #oc: victoria #oc: joelle #oc: nina #oc: selene #oc: hiraeth #ALSO FUCK OFF JOELLE IS SOOOOOOOOO CUTE HERE!!!!!!!!!!!

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justthinkingaboutlouis · 5 months ago

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#i thought i would be able to watch louis set but damn this wedding isn't letting me have some tiny bit of enjoyment #i cannot wait for Friday cannot wait for my life returning to some little bit of normality #i really need all the strength to make sure this wedding goes smoothly and we as a family do not fall into a debt #men are soooooo adamant and stupid #if only they could've listened to woman no one would be having breakdowns and crying at minor inconvenience #is everyone blind or they choosing to ignore how everyone is loosing one way or the other #anyways all I want is everyone to be happy and the new couple that is going to start a new life to get some good happy beginning #just rambling please ignore #anyways love louis and thank god technology I can catch up whenever i want and find time

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floral-hex · 6 months ago

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Two hours. I got two hours of sleep. I’m so frustrated with myself.

Went to the ER. Everyone was very nice. They gave me an IV bag of fluids (I was dehydrated! Sad cactus!) and a little ativan (teeny dose), which was nice at the time! Just a little amount, but the (mostly) quiet room, fluids, and meds managed to relax me a lot. Could have fallen asleep if the bed was actually comfortable. Then they packed me up, gave me another little Ativan to take home for tonight, and said they’d contact my primary. Cool cool. Got some much needed food on the way home, then took the pill and got comfy. Again, smallest dosage they make, so no feeling too good. Managed to muscle past my anxiety to fall asleep, and… 2 hours. Woke up. Tried to go back to sleep. Too frustrated and anxious and I feel like crap. What should I do? Just eat a whole gummy and hope that knocks me out? For me, that feels like playing roulette. Could work, yeah. Could make me sleepy and pliable. Could also backfire and make me feel sick and extra anxious for another 5 or 6 hours. What do I do? Roll back up to the ER? “Hewwo, I woke up and I need more benzos 👉👈🥺” haha funny, but I’ve seriously been thinking about it 😑

God, I’m miserable. Been sitting outside on the porch for a bit. Not quite an hour. Needed to get out of the apartment, but tbh, nearly 4am outside isn’t doing much for me. I just feel alone. It wouldn’t help with sleeping, per se, but just someone, I dunno, hugging or holding me for a few minutes would honestly save me a little. What a mess. Oh yeah, and apparently my kidneys are going 👎👎👎 down. Bad meat. Not great test results. Not what I’m focusing on tonight. I’m a mess. Anyway, this was my update. Sorry for all the walls of text. Suppose this is mainly for me to look back on in the future, but can’t pretend it’s not at least a little validating to put this all out into the world and knowing that maybe one or two people read this and I didn’t suffer completely without recognition. Yeah…

#this is a lot of text #not really a casual read #ok ok… I can’t sit outside forever #gonna go back inside and I dunno make a hot chocolatey drink. grab some snacks #TRY to feel good even though I don’t #YES will probably get a little high #hoping that the combo of sugar. salt. and thc will give me the sleepy tools to just pass out for awhile #just a few more hours! please!#omg I was so pissed when I woke up and thought I’d slept for awhile but realized I hadn’t #’ what do you mean the last text I sent was only two hours ago? ‘#seriously. I thought I fell asleep around 11 pm but it was closer to 1am.#stupid sexy ativan. messing with my sense of time #it really wasn’t that big of a dose! I was basically a little buzzed for an hour or so each time #but the doctor was nice and straightforward with me. I just dunno tho. I’m a big guy with a history of anxiety. .5mg is weaksauce #god I’m getting anxious just sitting here thinking about trying to sleep again #it’s feeding on itself. I’m trying to rationalize this but it’s just this feedback loop.#is this my life now? I’m outside. I feel so alone. I feel like I could die any moment. in a sword of Damocles way. it’s there and waiting.#ok sitting outside isn’t helping #after 4am and yes I see cars driving by. I hear the occasional siren. but I still feel alone in the world #please tell me life goes on? please tell me we’re not really at the end here.#I always feel like I’m staring at our final days. that we’re all barely here. fucking ghost planet. waiting to die.#there’s war and hate and everything is expensive and I can’t.. I’m not a part of this world. I’m too poor and sickly and so it all seems…#like we’re on our last leg. like the final days of a fire sale. this body feels fit for the grave. this world is the grave.#I’m scared #ok like I said sitting out here isn’t helping. Ian. please stop.#yes. yes. ok. snacks and drinks and distracting tv. let’s try this again.#sorry this is a lot #I spent the last 20 minutes writing these tags and getting progressively more anxious 😬#you can ignore this #text

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insanechayne · 1 year ago

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#I have so much I want to say but nothing I can actually articulate #how do I make you see how much you’re hurting me? how do I make you see how much I love you at the same time?#you grew a conscience too little too late and I was left to hang for it #I keep trying to be who you want but it feels like there’s no version of me that will make you happy #and I feel the distance growing between us every day because of how you’re pushing me away #but still you’ll say everything is fine and I just have to accept things the way they are #it doesn’t matter what I say or do because everything I say/do is always wrong in your eyes #I’m always fucking things up somehow and making you angry #so it’s at the point where I just have to stifle my feelings and swallow my pride and try to keep you happy #do you remember how we became friends? you reached out to me to help me with my anxiety from a post you stumbled across #but I feel that now if I were to share any of those kinds of feelings with you I’d be mostly ignored or it would start another fight #how can you say you’re always supportive when there’s no way to talk to you when I really need you because you’re simply not here?#how can you be mad at me for wanting more time with you when there are days you only send me one message and nothing else?#and still the thought of losing you hurts so much that I’d rather just concede to whatever you want #I’d rather let you crush me and dictate how our whole relationship will go than see you walk away from me #I know that’s so unhealthy but I don’t care anymore because I just need you that much #I hate this stupid connection we seem to have and how we’re still so drawn to each other even when we’re hurt and angry #it would be so much easier if you were just some guy I could block #but you’re not because you’ve become my best friend and that in itself is so horribly pathetic it makes me sick #I just can’t get these thoughts out and so I feel sick and anxious and I just want to sleep this all away #how do I say any of this to you? i don’t think I could really #personal

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phagodyke · 1 year ago

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sometimes I wish I was a more interesting + charismatic person just so I could keep conversations going bc I like sharing space with other ppl but they routinely lose all interest and leave once I run out of things to say/start talking abt things that don't concern them :-(

#and boy do I run out of things to say so fast when I'm talking to friends who ik dont give a fuck abt any of my interests...#theres only so much i can make small talk or ask them questions abt their own interests/lives yknow. man #it just makes me feel like im constantly competing with smth else for other ppls attention all the time + constantly losing #eg. when i say smth + my flatmate reaches for her headphones a little dark souls banner appears across my vision like INTERACTION FAILED #and i can feel my rsd + insecurities praying on it like the more i feel this way the more it prophetically fulfils itself #by making me less willing to try and take up space so i become a smaller and smaller person around others #it frustrates me a lot sometimes and i dont rly have the will rn to undo that and force myself to take up more space regardless #ik this sounds like a water is wet complaint like oh nooo woe is me people get bored of me when i talk abt boring things (!!)#but when im spending time w ppl i like i enjoy listening to them talk even if im not interested in the subject bc its Them talking #and if they care abt smth then its worth hearing abt!! to me anyway. but it rly feels like no one reciprocates that idk #oh well not that it matters. at least i like the shit im into so i can talk to myself abt it in my head or on this site lmao #and i like myself as a person even if other people dont so theres always that. ur no 1 should always be urself <3 #voicing this makes me feel so stupid + embarrassed urgh. i hate being anxious abt dumb shit i hate being the sort of person who worries #that their friends privately dislike/just tolerate them or whatever bc id never want a friend to worry abt whether i thought that abt them #and im not naturally a very insecure person!! i think im just feeling particularly vulnerable atm bc of the season + jobhunting so long #+ the fact im dissatisfied with my current social life + still feel very wobbly from not having other ppl i can trust or rely on etcetcetc #and thats just bleeding into other areas. and it sucks a lot. but theres nothing to be done abt it rn bc im not going to communicate it #to other ppl bc im not pathetic enough to make my anxieties someone elses problem + beg for pity attention im too proud for that 👍#anyway. gonna play some noita + then i rly need to work out today bc thats probs part of why im feeling so shite #if ur reading this ignore me im just venting itll pass. i hope youre having a nice day :^)#.vent #.diaries

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mrgirl · 1 year ago

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kicks the limp corpse of my blog like hey buddy hows it going the depression is winning huh

#wauhg #imactually on the upswing now but like getting my shit together is hard & i didnt sign up for it & no one wants to pay me to do it either #like im a special little boy im trying to go back to school and find a good work life balance ha ha he he #its all very dance you stupid fucking monkey dance but it has to work or im FORreal. chris mccandlessing #txt #ignore me like i said this blog is p much dead anyway but i miss u all so i thought id check in <3

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gold-wolf-soldier13 · 1 year ago

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Currently crying and yelling at my tv at 10pm cause of AC Odyssey how dare this fucking game make me apologize to Aspasia for letting Phoibe die fuck that noise it is absolutely directly her fault and Alexios is 100% in the right to be upset about it

#yeah yeah ik this game is five years old now but I got it on sale like last month and I’m invested okay sue me #yes I am playing alexios he my boi and I love him very much by now #having a lot of thoughts about this scene and most of them are incoherent raging about aspasia ignoring a very real threat to her man #and putting my (adopted) child/little sister in direct danger that I told her was currently trying to destablize her city-state #fuck this stupid railroaded story😭😭😭😭

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