#ignore if my life does not interest you
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Regarding the whole "Fandom Is An Escape, so why should I have to care this much about misogyny/racism/ableism/transphobia/etc." thing. Idk about the rest of you, but it gets kind of hard for me to "escape" when I keep seeing people say the same vile things about characters who share aspects of my identity that I hear all the time in real life.
#gotta say: it doesn't make me feel any better getting ignored/disparaged on account of my gender irl and then seeing every fictional woman#also get ignored/disparaged when there is no material difference between her and popular male characters other than her gender#how do I escape from irl misogyny if y'all keep willfully ignoring and flinging gendered insults at 99% (<-lowball estimate) of#female characters? how do I put aside the ableism I face in real life when y'all discuss disabled/mentally ill characters in the most#absolutely out-of-pocket way? how do I forget about biphobia when the 'arguments' you make 'for fun' about bisexual characters#in fiction sound EXACTLY the same as the things people say about my bisexuality outside of the internet/fan culture?#and then obviously this gets compounded if you are trying to even simply EXIST in fandom as a poc or a trans person or an intersection of#any or all these varying identities/life experiences#like yes caring about fictional characters is not the same as caring about real people OBVIOUSLY I can't BELIEVE I have to keep clarifying#that. and at the same time!! because multiple things can be true at the same time!!!! engaging in behavior that enforces pre-ingrained#societal biases and prejudices!!!!!!!! does not help dismantle those biases and prejudices!!!!!!!!!!!!!! in a real-world way that DOES#involve caring about actual people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#it's also. interesting. when people go on & on about how some newest show about thin cis white (male) gays is So Important & Revolutionary#So We Must Do Everything To Keep It Relevant And Visible and then act this way about women/poc/trans people/disabled people/fat people#in media. so like. you DO agree that seeing a variety of life experiences represented in fiction is beneficial. you DO believe in the#value of depicting marginalized people. interesting that that only seems to apply to a VERY narrow and specific category of marginalization#(ugh remember when I talked about this and someone called me a straight person good times)
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speaking of interpretations i don't like i hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee the idea that lifesteal characters are somehow different people or lose memories between seasons i hate it so bad
#i didn't like it with life series either AGRHGHGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG#m#lifesteal#my blog i get to complain once in a while#i'm just such a hater of anything that requires you to start ignoring the way people actually act/the actual relation of player to game#like zam saying he thinks of it like his characters are separate between seasons is whatever but like. vitalasy for example still Tries#to have conversations with him about s4 in s5. his refusal to engage with those conversations doesn't really make any sense if he's#somehow a zam who did not experience those things ... and it's so much more interesting and doesn't require you to start jumping through#hoops if he does remember and is Choosing not to engage#okay at the end of the day my thing is this: he can think that and act like that if he wants but he can't dictate whether or not anybody#else treats it the same way because the real relationship of player to game is that you Are always the same person and you Did experience#those things so any situation where you try to act like that stuff didn't happen just becomes a character trait rather than a material fact#of the world. okay i'm at peace now i'm not annoyed anymore
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Hey if you’re still enjoying and engaging with Harry Potter in any capacity you can unfollow me 😊 please and thank you
Like. I get it. I was super into it as a kid too. I did not have the social context to pick up on the antisemitism or transphobia or sexism or fatphobia or bioessentialism or racism or anything else. I also picked up on surface-level language of Fighting Back Against Evil and ascribed my own values onto what that meant and thought we were all on the same page. I remember when the original kids who grew up with the books started becoming adult fans and picking up on the (blatant!) antisemitism and everybody was still mostly willing to give JKR the benefit of the doubt on it. (“She was writing kids books!” They said. “She didn’t know she was penning a global phenomenon! She picked a common literary trend in European fairy tales (antisemitic caricature) and didn’t examine it closely. It’s a mistake anyone could make,” we said. “She would probably do things differently now. After all, she word-of-god confirmed the vaguest hints she dropped that Dumbledore might be gay,” we said.) There was actually a span of several years where biases inherent in the actual real content of the Harry Potter series were coming to light and even the people pointing them out still seemed mostly to think it was an unfortunate accident.
That time has passed. Years ago! We are long past the first months of “maybe she doesn’t realize this seemingly-feminist tweet she liked was made by a noted TERF” and then “how could she not realize that these many veiled TERF-y things she’s retweeted have implications for the many queer fans of her work” and finally “oh wow okay JKR just dropped an entire transphobic manifesto on twitter. I guess the transphobia was the point.”
Yeah, there were a few months after that where people were still processing and still working through how they felt about Harry Potter and all of its flaws with the context of the now open transphobia of the creator. I was there for that. Remember how I was one of the kids who built it up into something noble and worthwhile based on my own beliefs about what messages it was probably trying to convey? Turns out it wasn’t trying to say any of those things, and when you take the time to examine all of the terrible shit that made its way into the text whether JKR intended it to be there or not, the whole series falls apart. It’s weird to discover that there’s a room in your house that’s rotten to the core, but eventually you figure out you can’t live like that, still going in there and holding your nose and pretending it’s still the same room you thought it was when the termites were only inside of the walls and hadn’t yet started chewing their way through the furniture. Because what’s going to happen is that they are going to infest the rest of your house. If you decide you can ignore transphobia and antisemitism and everything else just because you liked the color of the wallpaper, the rest of your principles are going to crumble too. You get rid of that fucking room. You put those books on a high shelf in the back of your closet behind other outgrown clothes and interests and you move the fuck on.
JKR uses the money made from her transphobic antisemitic children’s books to actively funding hate groups and to lobby for legislation that will and has actually affected the actual lives of trans people in an entire country. We are past the point of grieving something you were wrong about in childhood. Kids are wrong about a lot of stuff. You grow up and you learn new information and you change your behaviors based on it. You have to choose. It is transphobic to pretend there is not transphobia where there is. It is transphobic to support the work of someone who is using those funds to take rights from trans people with every fucking dollar. It is hateful to continue to engage positively with a story that at its very core is rooted in hate and bigotry and prejudice. You can choose to do all of those things but you cannot claim ignorance of them and you cannot choose those things and still pretend that choosing them upholds the values we convinced ourselves that Harry Potter stood for over a decade ago as uninformed children. You cannot choose to do those things and pretend to still support your trans and queer and Jewish neighbors. I do not want you in my neighborhood. Leave.
#mine#Harry potter cw#yeah I don’t want to see or think about this shit either and I’m sure most of my followers are on the same page of just like. let’s wipe it#from the public consciousness and do our best to just completely ignore it and forget it existed and in doing so take away JKRs platform and#influence and also stop the continued harm the series will do by propagated hateful biases in people who continue to read it#but despite heavily culling my feed over the course of the past several years and thankfully mostly not seeing HP fandom things anymore#I’ve been seeing a lot of responses today to people defending it and honestly I forget that there are still people out there doing that who#think they are just fine and normal fandom people with non-hateful and terrible interests and it makes me so angry#maybe more so because like. I was there too! I was annoyingly obsessed with Harry Potter from the ages of idk seven? up until whenever JKR#started being openly transphobic. I have so much fucking knowledge about this book series that will never leave my brain. and yeah it was#weird and hard to have to rethink things and realize that no actually it does feel bad and uncomfortable to continue to be a fan even#passively of these books. it was a big part of my childhood and several of my friendships. I fully get it. I was the weird kid also.#it was weird and hard to say oh actually this sucks and I don’t want to be a part of it anymore. but I did it! I got there! because it was#more important to care about real actual things and people than it is to fondly remember a book series for children.#and at the time it felt like maybe I did hang on a little longer than I could have and was a little later than some people and figuring out#my feelings and moving on from the whole thing. but it was still fucking years ago. and you’re still here?#because you like the color of the wallpaper in this shitty rotten broken down tacked on room? because we used to spend time there together?#buddy the room was giving us lead poisoning the whole time and the rest of us have accepted that and we are all outside doing other things.#you will find connection and community in so many places in your life. I promise. get the fuck out of that terrible awful room#and for gods sake stop bring out handfuls of mold you found under the floorboards and shoving it in our faces#nobody fucking wants this. we did it. we’re done.#so yeah I think I have an extra level of disdain because I know from personal experience that it’s not *that* fucking hard to care more#about real life trans people than about antisemitic children’s books.
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swiftie mutuals please know that i still love you i just cant help but be a hater
#my opinions on ts are complex#like i think she's an insanely good and hardworking performer#you cant ignore the amount of work it takes to perform something like her eras shows#AND i think that when she puts her mind to it she can really knock it out of the park with a great song#every album has at least one A+ song#like genuinely i think anti-hero was her best ever lyrically#and she's at her best when she leans into the sappy over the top vibe like w love story or ybwm#my main problem with her is ofc her excessive private jet use#i understand that shes too famous to fly commercial bc she'd get mobbed#but when travelling within a single country she could at least be using road travel#anyway#wrt her music my main issue is that a good 80% of it is very... bland#she doesn't really do anything new or push any boundaries artistically#just plays it safe#and her lyrics can be genuinely awful when she takes herself too seriously (1830s but without all the racists)#and that sucks bc when she DOES decide to explore a new concept or play a character#she generally makes something interesting and fun!#blank space was fun bc it was a play into the media's constructed narrative about her#reputation was. a choice. but i'll defend it for being something different and actually taking a risk#this is a long ass tags ramble but i guess my point is#shes a pop singer. shes a pop singer who makes catchy pop music and thats okay#but she has a habit of taking herself too seriously and trying to be a deep meaningful 'poet' type songwriter like phoebe bridgers etc#which is just. not at all what she's good at#her music needs an ounce of self awareness to be good but her new album completely lacks that#sigh#dont ever get a diploma in music theory worst mistake of my life
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Feel like one of the best ways you can convince someone that no, villains with compelling motives that have sad backstories are not terrible writing compared to straight up born evil villains who just want to kill everyone and be done with it, is to tell them that Warrior Cats writes born evil villains constantly while literally preaching “That’s how evil works, you can’t CHANGE, you’re either touched by demons at birth or you aren’t!” and it blows chunks
#brokenstar tigerstar hawkfrost darktail one eye etc etc would all be so much more interesting if they werent so one note#and just had ‘’born evil’’ slapped on as their explanation for being evil#‘’ew why are you woobifying tigerstar’’ because i think a villain who feels emotion besides ‘’evil’’ and ‘’angry’’ and actually does care#about his clanmates but is also a bigot that deserves to be beaten down is more interesting than canon#to get like real world political here… abusive people and bigots like. are not one note born evil demons#they have loved ones and reasons for turning out the way they did. and im not saying that to go ‘’so you need to give them grace!’’#im saying that because the line of thinking that every bad person is a super obvious mustache twirling villain with no soul#makes it so that people justify abuse and crimes from REAL people. like ‘’oh my friend says some racist things but he isnt BAD! he loves me!#would an abusive person be nice to his wife in public? of course not!’’#and its rhetoric like that that lets abuse and bigotry thrive. if you put the world in categories of born evil and born good#then you will dismiss all the ‘’good’’ people in your life who have done horrible things with ‘’but she donated to charity once’’#i mean. hell this LITERALLY happens in wc where the ‘’born good’’ characters are abusive and murderously xenophobic#where characters like clear sky and blackstar just get a sticker like ‘’oh you cant be TOO mad at them! theyre good at heart!’’#‘’ignore all the times they killed vulnerable people for the crime of being born somewhere they didnt like! they were nice to a kid once!’’#the message there is literally ‘’bad people cant REALLY be bad if theyre nice to people sometimes’’#like. im not even mad at clear sky being motivated by witnessing his loved ones starve to death for why hes such an abusive control freak#thats an interesting reason to become a villain especially since the change happened when he was put in a position of power#the problem is not him having a sad backstory. the problem is the erins think his sad backstory means he was never that bad#and anyone who’s upset at him can go eat shit and die cause he looked sad#like. i get this line of thinking often comes from writers doing this for abuse apologism and just wanting to see abusers be held accountabl#accountable#but how exactly does it help victims of abuse to portray abusers and bigots in a christian ‘’touched by the devil’’ light
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my tbh of the day... get the fuck out of online queer/discourse spaces and get the fuck into things that you enjoy and bring you enthusiasm and inspire you. meet queer people in those spaces. you will be happier btw.
#this is targeted at people vaguely 18+ and more specifically queer people who have been out of the closet for longer than like a year#like if youre not a babyqueer anymore you have no use in spaces that are catered specifically to educating and discoursing babyqueer topics+#and literal shit from cishet people.#the internet is now full of lgbtphobic fascists that want to make the lives of trans people just miserable online and offline#and getting out of public online trans spaces and unfollowing big name trans accounts or groups will help you out#if this is something that is bothering you psychologically#and i promise it gets better the further you put down the Toxic Tome of Transphobia (twitter/your phone on r/ftm#etc)#i deleted twitter and my old reddit to make a fresh new one where i only follow my interests + hobbies and nothing about who i am#and oh wow am i happier. bored! but your supposed to be bored sometimes. its important for your mental health to experience underwhelmingnes#transphobia effects your mental health in rancid awful ways and you cant ignore it forever and scrolling and muting only does so much#sometimes you have to just leave. for yourself#its ok to leave.#its ok to take care of yourself. you are your only self and your only life and you need to protect it with your FULLL fucking heart
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*exhibits symptoms of disorders you have been diagnosed with and just so happen to also be depression symptoms, but isnt actually depressed*
People: Hmm I diagnose you with depression
#for reference the symptoms are fatigue/trouble motivating/general anxiety#I have had at least 4 people suggest 'Oh you might be depressed' in reference to my exhibiting symptoms of...what I have#It's very frustrating#Im tired because im chronically ill#I have trouble motivating because thats what ADHD does and being tired does#And my anxiety issues have gotten BETTER#Im am not numb hopeless or sad. I have plenty of interest in the things I like even at my worst.#my appetite is the same as its ever been#I've been through periods of self loathing. Those have passed.#and even when they were present I knew it the thoughts weren't facts bc God isn't a liar#Which that was the closest I've been to being depressed in a long time. But it still isn't depression.#If I were treated for depression rn it would totally ignore all the things ACTUALLY causing my symptoms#Life is awesome. I like doing things & I think I am the bee's knees (lol)#I have been depressed before. This just ain't it chief.#I already know what my issues are#Just cuz I got those don't mean I have to be depressed too#and I feel weird saying it too because I have the oddest feeling that I'm going to be dismissed as stubborn and blindsided#like 'you just refuse to admit it' kinda thing#But I know what it is that I am expiriencing#It's frustrating that an entirely different topic keeps coming up about it#also. the self loathing issues- they popped up when my ANXIETY got worse.#I was otherwise not expiriencing depressive symptoms outside of the things I expirience as a result of other illnesses#that I have been actually diagnosed with#blegh grr growl#Wanna focus on the actual issues not come up with false ones
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Sometimes I want to read my friends' fics bc like... friends! Their fics! But then like... my brain reminds me the only fic I read is dmcl.
#DCB Comments#i have the desire to read my friends' fics but my interests are so strict abt it!!!#i mean there's one other ship i am considering reading fic for but it's not even fe#other than that i don't even read tellius fics bc tbh the only tellius fics i would read#would be shinaff and i and like maybe five other ppl tops even ship it so that's just#not happening out of its lack of existence LOL. sadge.#but like... what i write does not equal what i can read. i only seem to have the drive to actually /read/ dmcl#also one of my biggest issues with tellius fics is similar to the lorenz issue#i don't trust most ppl to correctly characterize shinon. with lorenz ppl don't actually#write him in character most of the time. he's written with clear and intended disdain from almost every writer i've ever seen write him#with shinon i completely do not trust that anyone except like me and five other ppl don't just#ignore all his character traits and all the facets of his personality. most ppl reduce him to what they WANT him to be#and not what he actually is. nobody EVER writes abt his care for children. his generosity toward his friends#how he canonically returned to the GMs and stuck by them regardless of where they went/what they did#how he - having been poor all his life by inference of dialogue - does what he can to stop them from being poor#he could leave at any time with his skills and get work anywhere he wanted. he doesn't bc he grew out of that desire#once he felt he had a place he truly fit in with. nobody writes him as the complex human being he canonically is written as#he's just ''the asshole who doesn't like ike'' and we know what the other part is that i won't get into#or we will be here for another few hours of me debunking ppl's bullshit. but yeah. shinon is basically like#the central reason i do not touch tellius fics with a thousand foot pole. i don't trust ANYONE with him unless i already know you#and that even if you don't like him i can at least trust you'd still write him in character and not just as#the obvious character you only wrote in to bash. even reading dmcl is difficult when i can tell the writer#doesn't give a shit abt writing lorenz in character and just uses him to be annoying and shit#aside dmcl being a hyperfixation yeah... that's some reasons why i do not read other fics#not that that is related directly to my friends' writing - that's bc my brain lightbulb only turns on with dmcl content#also why i have not read gautier content. i think it's changing now but like in general#the vast majority of the fandom i do NOT trust to actually understand miklan's character/story/motivations#bc he's basically just tossed aside as the pure evil villain who uwu hurt sylvain#i think myself and some other miklan lovers have helped fix that a bit with hopes' help#but i've loved miklan since before hopes came out so that's why i never bothered trusting gautier content either
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Well...it's been a good run for...every ship left involving a woman in this poll. o7
#or more than one woman. you know what I mean.#(except for the one f/f versus f/f poll so we do at least have ONE guaranteed ship moving forward)#like. I know this is NOT a big deal (& I'll definitely forget about it once it's over) but I just...DO so tire of how guy-focused fandom is#then you try to complain about this and people accuse you of gender essentialist bullshit#which is ALSO exhausting#like I do genuinely like hanging out in my little niches with a handful of like-minded people but it does get...lonely I guess? sometimes?#you know that the things you create will be seen as inherently less valuable. you know that even in the Weird Interest™ Spaces you are#still seen as weird. you still don't fit in. the characters like you are discarded/ignored/disproportionately hated the way you are in real#life and it's rooted in a lot of the same ideas. like obviously I'd take THIS over misogynistic shit that actually happened to me but it#certainly doesn't make dealing with the reality of misogyny any EASIER#'I focus on men to escape irl misogyny/creator misogyny' I feel like actively ignoring women is also misogyny. actually.#whatever. nothing is new ever lmao.#In the Vents#at least The Major Evil has been defeated. I CAN at least sleep easy over that one.
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asjfbcdndbd
#bruhhh is it bad that i#my friend keeps texting me like ‘how are you doing’ / ‘how are you’ which like i appreciate it#but she does it so often and idk why i’m lowkey a little annoyed by it#which sounds so bad and sndbfjdhdhdj god like i’m grateful that she#makes the effort to reach out bc i used to never feel like anyone would reach out to me#and i’ve told her that so maybe that’s why idfk#but idk like she asks me almost every day/every other day and i’m just like djfjdjdjd#miss girl ily but pls my answers not gonna change lmfao 😭#i’m not doing shit how i’m doing isn’t interesting i’m also like not gonna tell u#that like i’m bored af of my life rn i’m tired i need to fucking create sm or do some fucking art soon or imma lose my mind a little#i’m just fucking chilling i’m not doing anything interesting i’m literally just fine lmao#like i’m just chilling like the last 10 times u asked 😭😭😭#idk idk 🤡 she asked me tonight and then said sm else so i answered the other thing and ignored the hru lmao#but then after the conversation abt the other thing she asked me hru again :’)#idk if any of this makes sense LOL i also feel bad abt complaining abt it 😭#idk WHY i’m lowkey annoyed by it. maybe i’m so fucking used to friends not reaching out to me#that her doing this makes me hhfhjfjdhfhffj lmao#like yeah i ofc love her texting me i just don’t wanna answer hru so many times lmao and ik i could tell her that or like ask why she asks#how i am so much but i don’t want to c:#ANYWAY LEMME ANSWER HER LMFAO GIRL#🤡 anyway also yeah i need to like start drawing sm or do a lettering thing soon#:D#jeanne talks
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okay Eric has shown up in Girl Meets World and given the very broad hints my flatmate had given (she is so bad at hinting) I was legit thinking all yesterday 'if Eric ends up as a hermit like in that one flashforward everyone gets a bad ending episode of bmw I'm gonna be so mad' and he DID and I am so mad.
Admittedly it sounds like there are people around which does soften the blow. Eric is a people person he needs people and I do appreciate the episode acknowledge that. But STILL my guy is more than Idiot Man 😭
The more I watch of girl meets world the more I want to write a longfic
#Wren rambles#Boy meets world#Girl meets world#Don't even get me STARTED on Shawn#I don't hate that he's getting together with Maya's mother#But I DO hate that they basically just thew out his entire relationship with Angela foe it#And he has no reason to be in the show except being mayas father figure#Side note the flatmate who hadn't seen it before was asking if Shawn WAS mayas father#And ngl that would have made a way more interesting storyline imo and I might write it one day#Shawn had a kid maybe without realising and dipped#Realised he's turning into his father#Having to make an effort to break the cycle and being in her life#Anyway that's beside the point Eric.#My guy deserves to have depth#I love the later seasons of BMW so much#But I HATE how Eric just gets relegated to idiot man#Like there that one episode where he throws his dignity away to do everything the rich nepotism new boss lady said#And Jack is trying to be like bro she's using you#But Eric just ignores him and does whatever she says#I Hate It#Fjshfjsjfsjfjsifj I'm gonna have to write a full character analysis aren't I#Or at least a fic#Something about Eric hearing he's stupid from everyone EVEN HIS PARENTS and internalising it#Not seeing any worth--or point in trying--and ending up with a crowd that's taking advantage of him#He's SMART#He's good with people! Stop calling him stupid!#(I also have a headcanon that he had an e ating dis order in highschool#Wanna write something expending on that one day)#ANYWAY I NEED TO GO TO BED NOW ERIC MY BELOVED IM SO SORRY THEY DID THIS TO YOU
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i’m in my sea of solitude era and it is NOT good where is my little boat to help me solve all of my problems
#ranting on tumblr is an interesting thing bc i Like being able to ‘talk’ about things bothering me out loud#unfortunately i also like. responses in talking. some back and forth and comfort and whatnot#tumblr is just a void to scream into when i can’t rationalize thoughts in my brain#the issue is that then i just spiral into insanity bc there’s nobody reminding me i’m being paranoid#or reminding me that the things my brain convinces me of aren’t real#the Other issue is that nobody does that in real life either bc my mental problems are often ignored in favor of others’#fun fact: even your friends with the same mental illnesses will not make you feel better#no support here. no support there. a year on a waitlist for therapy. exhaustion exhaustion exhaustion#so ANYWAYS. my sea of solitude era! but i am so so bad at solitude#just an FYI sea of solitude is a great video game go check it out#moon babbles#i love how nowhere in this whole post did i actually talk about what’s bothering me#good job vi 10/10 at talking
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i mean i do not personally relate to sweet nothing being about mothers in general like....at all lol. my mother uses any and every vulnerability of mine against me eventually so i cant super relate to the softness and comfort of having a mom to run home to. but its just so andrea swift it makes me wanna die
#as an example back in 2017? 2018?#i mentioned off handedly to my mom i was trying to get taylor tickets and had to like plan for the presale or whatever#and of course she just kinda went oh uh huh. okay. bc she doesnt think anything about me is interesting unless it serves her#but then a few weeks later when we were fighting about something or other she was like 'you need to spend less time getting taylor swift#concert tickets and more time focusing on getting a job and getting through school'#as if those are mutually exclusive or even related. and thats the thing she never listens and totally ignores me#but somehow she remembers my hobbies or my likes when shes fucking angry and wants to use it against me#and this is what she does with just my hobbies imagine the shit she has done when ive been vulnerable about#my emotions or issues in my life lol. like she would absolutely tell jake anything i said about him. not that i would ever go#to her for relationship advice but everything has to be 10000% perfect when i talk to her about my relationship#or else she will be like oh this is happening because youre such a bitch to everyone or because you dont do blah blah blah#anyway so cannnot relate lol but id like this song to be about andrea#sweet nothing#midnights#ts#op
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How should I very politely tell someone I know online that I don't care about every aspect of their life and like I come online just to get a break from the real word .
Like I've met them some time ago now online sure but still I'm here to be silly not a therapist and I want to tell them but I'm afraid I'd hurt their feelings.
Any suggestions? Thnkx
im really not the best person to ask this to because i am an aries and autistic and have a personality disorder so if someone is bothering me i either tell them very bluntly and directly to go away or ignore them forever LMAO you don't owe anyone a reply and as long as you're polite and respectful then how they react to you setting a boundary is not your responsibility
#literally just tell them what you said. “im not really in a position to answer this and i came on here to relax and be silly sorry”#or just lie and say youre busy. the great thing abt the internet is you can just ignore people and run away <3#and also like by entertaining something you know you have no interest in youre wasting your own time but also theirs#let them go find someone on here who DOES want to have their entire life story dumped into their inbox im sure theyre out there somewhere#sometimes being silly means u have to tell some harsh truths. for example please leave me alone and stop messaging me im too silly for this#but also let this be a lesson to anyone who messages me. like unless i explicitly tell you to go away then it means i like messaging you :3#anyway im sorry if this made no sense or is like The Wrong Answer i really do not do well with human interaction its kind of My Whole Thing
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I'm like obsessed with this woman
#please feel free to ignore this#I'm watching The Rational Life#She had a shit day she comes home she feeds her fish she edits her photos of a distant galaxy she took with her own telescope/camera#She's 33 and single and childless and she has a life outside work! She has joy in something that she does herself for herself#I don't think I've ever really seen a character (especially a single woman in her 30s) have a moment like this to breathe#It's so simple but I love it I'm so happy for her I want to listen to her tell me about what got her into this and why#Not to mention it also nicely underlines her conversation with Cui Liuxin or whatever his name was#where she was like 'do you know my interests? My hobbies? How I wind down from a rough day?'#and he didn't have an answer
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one time the silt verses said “you can never really overreact to a parent; you’re just yelling back through the decades making up for lost time”
and i literally had to pull my ass over while driving to jot that shit down
and i’ve been thinking A Lot about my dad lately and i put on my next episode in my silt verses relisten today and, coincidentally, encountered that quote Again
and i’m just. over here Dwelling. pls don’t contact.
#it’s just sad#i’ve not been home a lot and thus not interacted with him a lot#and i’ve had like. an abnormal ratio of normal-to-pleasant interactions with him lately.#which always makes me prone to forget how awful he is 🫤#it’s just so hard when i see like#glimmers of a better person in him#the other night i passed him in the kitchen and he looked at me and said ‘it’s good to have you home. the house feels more complete#when you’re here.’ and it sounded. earnest.#and sometimes i look at him or hear him and he just seems so Tired. lonely.#and i think about how hard it must be to live in a house full of people. your literal family. who Do Not Like You#who avoid you as much as possible.#and at the same time it’s just#he alienated ALL of us. we’ve all tried so hard#i’ve s e e n it. i’ve done it!#in my bones i do not believe that he is a safe person to be around and i don’t think he Can be without significant reflection#and probably professional help. and he has no interest in that.#but it’s just sad.#to have moments where i see the kind of dad he Could have been#and i have such like#guilt? regret? over the fact that i have never actually Told Him#that i’m making the choice not to be around him and why#like i’m denying him the chance to change. or something.#and at the same time i just. do not trust him to do anything but. at best. ignore it. and at worst use it to be cruel.#i don’t know life is just sad sometimes#and i keep having dreams about yelling at him and telling him what a bad father he is and i Know that what i want is for him to acknowledge#me and the way i feel and. he never does. and every time i wake up feeling helpless and small.#and that is exactly what i hope to never receive from him again
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