#if we're just hurt by something we're not supposed to be hurt by or if we're also imagining it on top of that
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IF I WAS A BAD BITCH, I'D WANNA F★CK ME TOO! ( PART 2 ) ၄၃ gojo satoru x female reader x (female?!) gojo satoru
18+ content, minors and blank blogs do not interact. established relationship. threesome featuring m & f gojo. dom! gojo(s), sub reader. bisexual reader. lots of crack. slight hurt & angst with comfort, existential crisis. somewhat rapid scene change. making out. implied quickie. mentions and use of sex toys (suction vibrator). overstimulation. fingering (f. recieving). slight voyuerism & cucking. cum play/eating. (guided) hand job. face sitting (go lesbians!!). p in v (missionary). somewhat marathon sex.
thank you all so much for the love on the previous fic :") i'm so glad you all see my vision, which is why i find much happiness in letting you know we're making this a series - nothing too serious or story driven, just a bunch of porn with plot oneshots for your reading plesure. :D i wrote female gojo with @owwllly's version in mind, so please show them your love xx
dedicated as always to my pookie daph aka @curtins , my fav bi icon @sugoroo & my lovely taglist. now if you'll excuse me, i'm going to take a veeryyy long nap. ૮ ◞ ﻌ ◟ ა
— general masterlist ☆ read on ao3 ☆ series masterlist
morning, if you could even call it that, felt like stepping into the twilight zone.
the sunlight creeping through the windows was annoyingly cheerful considering the depraved antics of the night before, and you were dead sure your neighbors were contemplating a noise complaint.
yet, here you were, trying to make sense of the utter chaos that came with two versions of your boyfriend.
it started with a groping. a teasing squeeze to your ass that you didn’t even flinch at — classic satoru.
except, when you turned to glare at him, ready to smack that stupid smirk off his face, you were met with her instead, casually twirling her white hair around her fingers.
“oh, was that not me? so sorry,” fem-toru (you had to call her something) said with the most shit-eating grin known to mankind.
“what the hell, woman?!” gojo bellowed from across the room, instantly at your side and scooping you up like you were a damsel in distress. “she doesn’t get to touch what’s mine!”
“what are you gonna do, sue me?” she teased, leaning against the counter with a smug tilt to her head.
gojo growled, the real one — or, male one? whatever — already dragging you off toward the bathroom. “don’t wait up,” he called over his shoulder.
“ew, like i’d wanna hear that,” she called back, although her smirk said otherwise.
and that was just the beginning.
when you finally emerged from round… whatever that was, the war for coffee mugs was already in full swing.
“that’s my mug!” you groaned, snatching at the familiar blue ceramic, only for it to be pulled just out of reach by fem-toru.
“finders keepers, babe,” she quipped, taking a long sip with a completely unapologetic look.
“you’re not even supposed to be here!” you hissed, trying to snatch it back.
“it’s my house too,” male gojo chimed in unhelpfully, hogging the last clean mug himself.
“not your house —” you paused, narrowing your eyes at the two of them.
“i’m going to need so much therapy after this.”
“probably,” they both said in perfect unison, which was both creepy and infuriating.
and then there was the final straw.
“you don’t need to borrow my bras,” you snapped at fem-toru, watching in horror as she rooted through your drawer, holding up one of your lacy favorites.
“but they’re so cuuuteee!” she whined, shamelessly sliding the straps over her shoulders to model it. “plus, i don’t have anything in my size. talk to him about that,” she added, jerking her thumb toward her male counterpart.
“don’t drag me into this!” gojo groaned, holding his head as though he were already plagued by a migraine.
“both of you, out!” you barked, finally snapping under the weight of their collective nonsense.
but as you flopped back onto the bed after shoving both of them out of the room, you couldn’t help but smile. the chaos, the absurdity — it felt oddly right, like you were exactly where you were supposed to be.
...even if you had to figure out how to hide your lingerie from a certain someone.
⋆˙⟡ —
you could practically feel the ground begging to swallow you whole as your elderly neighbor — a sweet lady who baked cookies and fed stray cats — stood at your doorstep with an expression that bordered on scandalized and horrified.
"dear, i just wanted to make sure everything was... alright last night," she began, her voice trembling slightly, but it was hard to tell if it was from age or pure shock. "i thought maybe something had fallen. or —" she paused, wringing her hands, "someone had fallen... repeatedly."
before you could stammer out a half-baked apology, both gojos emerged from behind you like twin specters of your shame, looking every bit as debauched as you felt.
gojo, with his signature grin, leaned lazily against the doorframe, his messy hair and unbuttoned shirt doing absolutely nothing to help the situation. "oh, don’t worry, ma’am. just some, uh, vigorous... exercise," he chirped, flashing a dazzling smile that could melt glaciers but definitely not the horror etched into her face.
fem gojo popped her head out next, her wolf-cut disheveled and a hickey darkening her collarbone. "he means cardio," she added helpfully, as if that made it any better.
"cardio?" your neighbor echoed, clutching her chest as her eyes darted between the three of you.
"yeah! it's important to stay fit, ya know," fem gojo continued, placing a hand on your shoulder as if you needed moral support through this ordeal.
"and loud," male gojo added with a smirk.
you wanted to die.
"i-i see," your neighbor stammered, her gaze now firmly fixed on the floor as she shuffled back a step. "well, um, maybe next time you could... exercise a little quieter?"
"we’ll keep it down, promise!" fem gojo called after her as the door gently shut in your neighbor's retreating wake.
as soon as it clicked shut, you whirled around, smacking both gojos on their respective arms.
"are you kidding me? cardio?!"
"what?" male gojo grinned, rubbing his arm. "it’s technically not a lie."
"and honestly," fem-toru added with a wink, "for our age, we're doing amazing."
"you’re not even old," you hissed, burying your face in your hands.
"exactly," male gojo quipped, draping an arm around you. "so no excuses for round two."
fem-toru smirked, leaning in with a sultry whisper. "or round twelve. you’re practically a pro now."
you groaned. this was your life now.
⋆˙⟡ —
you were about two seconds away from flinging the carton of eggs in your hand when you felt her — fem gojo, femtoru, whatever her name was — sidling up behind you like a heat-seeking missile.
“what the — ?!” you whipped around, heart hammering in your chest, only for her to give you that infuriating, all-too-familiar smirk.
"miss me?" she purred, leaning in close enough that her outrageously large rack brushed against your shoulder.
"how the hell did you even get here?!" you hissed, glancing around the aisle nervously as a mom with two toddlers gave you a raised eyebrow before continuing down the cereal section.
she pouted dramatically, looping an arm around your waist as if you weren’t about to die of embarrassment. "what, you thought a lil’ lock and key could keep me away? puh-lease, babe. i invented escapism."
"you’re kidding me," you muttered, pinching the bridge of your nose.
"oh, and don’t worry about satoru," she added, resting her chin on your shoulder as if you weren’t vibrating with anxiety. "i tied him up real good before leaving. pretty sure he's still trying to figure out how to untangle his legs."
"you did what?!" your voice cracked, drawing the attention of an elderly man perusing the soup cans nearby.
"relax," she whispered, nuzzling her nose into your neck. "he’ll be here any second. y’know how he is — doesn’t like to be left out."
as if on cue, a loud crash came from the store's automatic doors, and there he was — your boyfriend, his hair still a mess, shirt misbuttoned, and his expression a cocktail of irritation and smug determination.
"sweetheart!" he called, jogging down the aisles with zero regard for the stares he was attracting. "fem-me tied me up with my own blindfold. again. can you believe that?"
"i absolutely can," you snapped, trying to suppress the migraine threatening to bloom.
"soooo clingy, aren’t we?" femtoru teased, pressing even closer to your back. "you couldn’t even let me have ten minutes alone with her, could you?"
"ten minutes alone, my ass!" he barked, glaring at his female counterpart. "you kidnapped her! again!"
“‘s not kidnappin’ when she enjoys my company,” she quipped, smirking as she leaned over to inspect the snack shelf, her cleavage doing things you’d rather not admit out loud.
"you are literally me," your boyfriend shot back, clearly nearing the end of his patience.
“and that’s why she likes me better,” fem gojo said sweetly, tossing a bag of chips into your cart with an infuriating wink.
“both of you need to shut up,” you hissed, grabbing the cart and storming toward the checkout. “and stop dragging me into your circus act every time i try to do something normal — like buying goddamn groceries!”
but, of course, they followed, bickering like siblings the entire time. and you? you contemplated whether life in a hermitage was really that bad.
⋆˙⟡ —
the moment you placed your items on the conveyor belt, you prayed for a quick, smooth transaction. but, of course, with them around, that was wishful thinking.
“hey, y/n,” jess greeted with her usual cheery smile, scanning your items. she was sweet — always polite, never overly invasive, but you could see the curiosity bubbling just beneath the surface as her gaze flicked between you and the two absolute menaces standing behind you.
“hey, jess,” you muttered, trying to focus on the beep of the scanner rather than the chaos looming behind you.
your boyfriend was already muttering to himself, his black glasses perched low on his nose as he glared daggers at his female counterpart.
“goddamn wolfcut copycat... walking around like she owns the place... like i don’t have patents on being hot and annoying —”
“what was that, lover boy?” fem gojo teased, scratching at the nape of her neck, her perfectly styled wolfcut catching the overhead lights just right. her bright blue eyes were unhidden, and they sparkled with amusement as she leaned against the counter like she belonged there.
“lover boy?” satoru spat, his tone dripping with disdain. “you’ve got some nerve calling me that when you’re standing there looking like a discount version of me with tits.”
“discount?!” femtoru gasped, clutching her chest in mock outrage. “excuse me, but these,” she motioned to her ample figure, “are luxury items, thank you very much. unlike your scrawny pecs.”
you buried your face in your hands as jess froze mid-scan, clearly fighting the urge to either laugh or run for her life.
“so, uh…” jess began cautiously, trying to salvage the small talk. “doing anything fun later today?”
you opened your mouth to respond, but fem gojo beat you to it.
“oh, just a casual threesome,” she said with a wicked grin, winking at the poor cashier.
you choked. satoru groaned. jess went so red you thought she might pass out.
“shut up,” satoru hissed, grabbing fem gojo by the collar and dragging her back. “don’t you dare embarrass her in public.”
“oh, ‘m sorry,” femtoru drawled, clearly not sorry at all. “did i strike a nerve, lover boy?”
“that’s it. when we get home, i’m locking you in the closet.”
“aww, das kinda freaky —”
“not like that!”
jess handed you your receipt with trembling hands, her polite smile firmly in place despite her obvious confusion. “have a nice day,” she said, her voice a little too high-pitched.
“yeah, thanks,” you muttered, grabbing your bags and speed-walking out of the store, your two walking headaches trailing behind you, still arguing like children.
as the automatic doors closed behind you, satoru grumbled, “this is why i don’t let you out in public.”
“oh, please,” fem gojo shot back, tossing her hair. “if anything, i made it better.”
you didn’t dignify that with a response. you just kept walking, silently wondering if there was a refund policy for boyfriends — and their alternate versions.
the walk back home was a blur of bickering, your thighs still trembling from the "little assistance" fem gojo had oh-so-graciously offered during your "quick trip" back home. satoru — male satoru, your actual boyfriend, not the ridiculous female menace still trailing after you — was muttering something about how he should’ve strangled her then and there between the bread aisle and frozen foods.
you, meanwhile, were trying to stay upright and hold onto the groceries without collapsing from sheer embarrassment and, well... exhaustion.
⋆˙⟡ —
it wasn’t uncommon for fem gojo to be her usual chaotic self — hell, the woman was a walking hurricane of snark, gropes, and unnecessary comments. she introduced herself as “your lady” to strangers whenever your boyfriend wasn’t around, thoroughly enjoying the chaos that title caused. it was all part of the act, the cocky smirk, the teasing eyes — but you were no fool.
you’d caught the cracks in her facade more than once.
like the way her gaze lingered when you and gojo were tangled together, not in lust but something softer, more intimate. she’d watch the two of you from the corner of the room, her smile dimming for just a second before snapping back into place.
or how she’d stand in front of the mirror when she thought no one was looking. her bright blue eyes would trace her reflection, not with admiration but with a quiet, unspoken question. who am i now?
it tugged at something deep in your chest. for all her antics, you couldn’t ignore the truth — this strange predicament had to be hitting her harder than either of you could imagine.
so, when she sauntered into your room one evening, catching you brushing your hair, you weren’t entirely surprised when she leaned against the doorframe, watching you silently.
“need something?” you asked, keeping your tone light.
“just admirin’ the view,” she said with a sly grin, but it didn’t reach her eyes.
you rolled your eyes but didn’t press her, focusing back on your reflection. she stepped closer, and before you knew it, her hands were on your shoulders, her breath warm against your ear.
“y’know,” she murmured, her voice softer than usual, “i think you’re wastin’ all that sweetness on him.”
“listen, if you’re about to ask for a kiss —”
she didn’t even let you finish before pressing her lips against yours, hands cradling your face as if her life depended on it. it was messy, desperate, and entirely uncalled for.
you pulled back just enough to catch your breath, staring at her wide-eyed. “okay, what was that?”
her lips parted as if she wanted to say something, but no words came out. she looked at you, then down at her hands as if she were trying to piece something together. finally, she sighed, leaning her forehead against yours.
“you and him,” she started, her voice barely above a whisper, “you make it look so easy. being... someone.”
you blinked, caught off guard by the sudden vulnerability. “‘toru...”
“don’t — don’t make this a thing,” she interrupted, laughing weakly. “’m not good at this. i just — wanna say thanks. for, y’know, not treatin’ me like some freak.”
her words hung heavy in the air, but before you could respond, she kissed you again. this time slower, deeper, her hands tangling in your hair as if trying to pour everything she couldn’t say into the kiss.
it was... a lot. but as her lips moved against yours, you decided to let her have this moment.
maybe it was what she needed — a way to feel grounded, even if just for a little while.
before you could even process what was happening, she had swept you off your feet — literally. in one fluid motion, her strong arms cradled you, and the next thing you knew, she was laying you down gently on the bed.
but this wasn’t like the usual antics you’d grown accustomed to. there was no teasing smirk, no biting sarcasm. her eyes, usually so sharp with mischief, were soft, almost glassy, her lips trembling like she was struggling to find the right words.
“please,” she whispered, voice breaking as she knelt beside you, hands hovering as if afraid to touch you too much. “lemme... lemme take care of you. just this once.”
it was so unlike her — so raw, so vulnerable — that it physically hurt to see her like this. this wasn’t the same brazen, overconfident fem gojo who pushed your buttons.
this was satoru, stripped bare of all the bravado.
your heart clenched as you reached for her, pulling her into a kiss, softer this time. you tangled your fingers in her snowy white hair, feeling her shudder against you.
“satoru,” you murmured, her name rolling off your tongue as naturally as breathing.
hearing her name — her name — from you seemed to break her entirely. she melted into you, her body caging yours as she kissed you like you were the only thing keeping her tethered to reality.
and maybe, for that moment, you were.
normally, she’d be cocky about this — the teasing smirks, the knowing winks, the flirty little comments about how lucky you were to have her. but now, as she pulls back from your lips, her face hidden in the crook of your neck, it hits you like a truck: she’s not about to kiss you again, or nip at your skin.
she’s crying.
satoru gojo, the strongest sorcerer alive — gender be damned — is crying.
you freeze for a moment, unsure of what to do, until you feel her body tremble against yours.
then the sound comes — soft, stuttering sobs that claw at your heart.
“satoru,” you whisper, threading your fingers gently through her wolfcut, your nails grazing her scalp in soothing motions. “hey, it’s okay. ’s okay.”
her arms tighten around you, her weight completely draped over you as though she’s trying to bury herself in you, seeking solace in the only safe haven she knows.
“’m sorry,” she chokes out, voice muffled and shaking. “i’m... ion even know what’s happenin’ to me.”
“you don’t have to apologize,” you murmur, pressing your lips softly to her temple. “you don’t always have to be strong, you know. not with me.”
her sobs grow heavier, and you hold her closer, shushing her gently.
“you’re okay, satoru,” you reassure her, even as your own throat tightens with emotion. “i’ve got you.”
she clings to you, her tears soaking into your skin as you run your fingers through her hair, murmuring soft words of comfort. for once, there’s no strongest, no cocky remarks, no facade. just satoru, raw and vulnerable, seeking the comfort she so rarely lets herself need.
⋆˙⟡ —
gojo was already halfway through the door, his trademark bravado in full force as he prepared to yell and drag his female counterpart off you. he was ready to reprimand her for trying to get into his girlfriend’s pants — again.
but then he froze.
the sight before him should’ve sent him into a fit of rage: her large frame draped over yours, her hands clutching you tightly, your fingers stroking her hair. it was intimate, far too intimate. but it wasn’t the position that stopped him. it was the sound.
soft, stuttering cries filled the room, muffled against your neck.
his jaw tightened as his eyes flicked to hers — those same brilliant blue orbs he saw every day in the mirror. but this time, they weren’t filled with mischief or lust.
they were red, puffy, glistening with tears. the same look he’s seen reflected back at himself during the rare moments he allowed himself to break.
it hit him like a punch to the gut.
for all her cocky remarks, her sly smirks, her shameless antics, he recognized what she was feeling. he knew it too well.
and when her tear-streaked face turned to meet his gaze, it wasn’t with her usual defiance or teasing. it was raw, filled with an unspoken plea he understood without words.
gojo swallowed thickly, his fists clenching at his sides. for a moment, he hated seeing himself like that — so exposed, so... human.
“you’re just like me,” he murmured under his breath, his voice barely audible as his heart twisted in his chest.
and for the first time, he didn’t barge in, didn’t yell or tease. instead, he stood there, watching as you cradled the part of him he didn’t let anyone else see.
gojo stood there for a beat too long, debating whether to leave or join. he knew what fem-gojo was feeling — hell, it was his feelings, wasn’t it? — but addressing them? with words? that wasn’t exactly his strong suit.
he cleared his throat awkwardly, and both you and satoru turned your heads toward him.
"uh, hey," he started, scratching the back of his neck. "so, uh... group hug or what?"
you snorted, shaking your head. "get in here, you idiot."
“don’t call me that in front of her,” he grumbled, pointing at his counterpart, though he quickly shuffled over. fem-gojo raised her head slightly, glaring through her tears.
“you mean me? the better you?” she snarked, though her voice cracked halfway through.
gojo rolled his eyes but crawled onto the bed, situating himself next to the two of you. "yeah, better at crying, maybe."
"oh, like you don’t cry," she shot back, sniffing.
“never. not once. you’re a glitch in the matrix or sumn',” he said, pulling a face that immediately earned him a smack on the arm from you.
“satoru,” you warned.
“fine, fine.” he let out a long sigh, glancing at fem-gojo before finally reaching out, hesitantly patting her on the back. “there, there, uh... me?”
you burst out laughing despite yourself, covering your mouth with a hand as satoru shot you an exasperated look.
“don’t laugh! it's weird!” he protested, his hand still awkwardly rubbing her back in tiny, unsure circles.
fem-gojo let out a watery laugh through her sniffles, leaning her head back on your shoulder. "god, you’re pathetic."
“pathetic?! i’m not the one crying into someone else’s neck right now!”
“you’re literally crying on the inside right now,” she countered.
gojo froze, his hand stopping mid-pat. "...you shut up."
you rolled your eyes, tugging gojo closer so that he was sitting flush against fem-gojo. "look, you both are disasters. but you’re the same disaster, so maybe... i don’t know, figure it out together?"
satoru frowned, glancing at her again. his fingers twitched. "look, uh... you don’t have to... like, cry or whatever. i mean, i get it. i do."
“wow, deep,” she said, though her voice was softer.
he huffed, crossing his arms. "hey, it is deep! do you know how hard it is for me to open up like this?!”
“you call this opening up?” she muttered, but there was a flicker of a smile on her lips now.
“oh, don’t you start —”
you silenced him with a gentle nudge, smiling as you reached over to intertwine your fingers with his. "you’re doing great, babe."
he narrowed his eyes at you but eventually sighed, letting his head drop back against the headboard. "look, just... we’re the strongest, okay? we’ll get through... whatever this is. together. and maybe with mochi. lots of mochi."
fem-gojo finally let out a real laugh, her tears drying up as she wiped at her eyes. "god, you really are a loser."
“yeah, well, you’re stuck with me. literally.”
you couldn’t help but grin as you looked between them, the two most chaotic, emotionally constipated people in your life finally finding some common ground. even if it was over their mutual awkwardness.
"so... mochi, then?" you teased.
"go get some," they said in unison, both turning to you with the same expectant look.
"oh, you’ve got to be kidding me."
⋆˙⟡ —
you shuffled into the kitchen, grabbing a bag of daifuku mochi — the fancy ones he insisted on buying in bulk from that one upscale japanese market downtown. because of course he had to have the best mochi.
as you made your way back to the bedroom, tired and a little cranky, the sound of gojo’s voice drifted out into the hallway. at first, you thought nothing of it — probably just him and fem-gojo bickering again — but then the words registered.
“oh, and this one — this bad boy’s a classic,” gojo was saying, his tone tinged with nostalgia. “the first time we used it, she couldn’t walk for, like, two days.”
you stopped in your tracks.
“are you serious? that’s what you chose to bring up?” fem-gojo’s voice replied, though it sounded more amused than judgmental.
“hey, don’t knock it till you try it,” he shot back, and you heard a muffled sound, presumably the toy being held up for emphasis.
you slowly pushed the door open, and sure enough, there was gojo, sitting cross-legged on the bed with the most ridiculous grin plastered on his face. in one hand, he held your trusty pink wand vibrator, and in the other, a butt plug with a gem on the end — both of which he displayed like prized trophies.
fem-gojo was lying on her stomach, propped up on her elbows, watching him with thinly veiled amusement. “so what’s that one?” she asked, pointing at the silicone dildo beside him.
“oh, that? that’s the one we used during her birthday last year,” he said with a wistful sigh, holding it up like it was some kind of holy relic. “man, what a night. she screamed so loud that the neighbors banged on the wall.”
your face burned as you stumbled into the room, nearly dropping the bag of mochi. "what the hell are you two doing?!"
both heads turned toward you in unison, blue eyes twinkling with mischief.
“oh, hey, babe,” gojo said, waving the butt plug at you like it was a greeting. “we were just reminiscing.”
“yeah,” fem-gojo chimed in, smirking. “your man here is really sentimental, huh? ’s kinda cute.”
“sentimental?” you repeated, glaring at your boyfriend.
he shrugged, completely unfazed. “what? these are like, milestones in our relationship. you can’t just throw these memories away.”
“memories? memories?!” you groaned, setting the mochi down on the nightstand. “‘toru, do you hear yourself? you sound like a pervert!”
“oh, c’mooon, don’t be like that,” he pouted, leaning forward to grab the bag of mochi. “besides, you love me. and her, apparently.”
“barely,” you muttered, though the heat in your face betrayed you.
“aw, don’t be shy, babe,” fem-gojo teased, rolling onto her back and stretching languidly. “you know you’re lucky to have two of us.”
“lucky? my back says otherwise.”
the two of them burst into laughter, and you buried your face in your hands, wondering for the millionth time how you’d ended up in this situation.
and as if they could read your mind, gojo leaned over, patting the space next to him. “c’mere, don’t be mad. let’s eat some mochi and talk about that other toy we’ve been meaning to try.”
you groaned, flopping onto the bed in defeat. “i hate both of you.”
“lies,” they chorused, and you couldn’t help but laugh despite yourself.
⋆˙⟡ —
you were trying — really trying — to enjoy the packet of daifuku mochi as it made its way around the bed. the sweet bean paste was supposed to be a distraction, a way to ground yourself after everything that had transpired over the last 24 hours.
but no, peace wasn’t an option.
"ya know," gojo said through a mouthful of mochi, holding up the wand vibrator like it was a microphone, "this one’s underrated. it looks basic, but the power, babe. remember how —"
"we get it, ‘toru," you cut him off, your voice strained as you grabbed another mochi to shove into your mouth. maybe if you kept chewing, you wouldn’t have to participate in this conversation.
fem-gojo snickered, popping a mochi into her own mouth before leaning closer to you. “you’re bein’ shy, huh? don’t worry, sweetheart, we know how much you looovve this one.” she waggled her eyebrows, motioning at the very wand vibrator in question.
you could feel your face heating up to a level that could rival the sun. “can you two not talk about this right in front of me?”
“but why not?” gojo teased, sliding closer until his thigh was pressed against yours. “’s not like you’re embarrassed, are you? you’ve used all of these.”
"i will throw this entire bag of mochi at your head," you muttered, holding the packet threateningly.
“aw, don’t be like that, doll,” fem-gojo cooed, her voice sugary sweet, though the mischievous glint in her eyes said otherwise. “we’re just reminiscing. plus, you’re blushin’, which means you’re totally into it.”
you glared at her, cheeks practically burning. “i’m blushing because you two won’t shut up.”
but the truth? the truth was much worse. as much as you hated to admit it, their teasing was doing things to you. the way their voices dropped an octave when they reminisced, the heat in their gazes, the proximity — all of it made your thighs clench involuntarily.
and you prayed to every deity you could think of that they couldn’t tell.
unfortunately, subtlety wasn’t your strong suit, and these two were anything but oblivious.
fem-gojo leaned in, her lips brushing against your ear as she whispered, “what’s wrong, sweetheart? ya squirmin’ a lot.”
you froze, eyes darting to gojo, who was already smirking. "you’re awfully quiet now," he remarked, his hand casually resting on your thigh. "something on your mind?"
"nothing," you squeaked, clenching the mochi packet in your hands like it was a lifeline.
"reaallly?" fem-gojo purred, her hand trailing dangerously close to the hem of your shorts. "’cuz babe, we can feel how worked up you are."
your breath hitched, and you cursed your body for betraying you. “you two are insufferable.”
gojo laughed, his hand sliding up your thigh to join his female counterpart. “nah, we’re just really good at reading you. isn’t that right, satoru?”
fem-gojo grinned wickedly, her fingers grazing the sensitive skin of your inner thigh. “totally. we’re a team, after all.”
you groaned, burying your face in your hands as the heat pooling in your stomach became impossible to ignore.
“look at that,” gojo said, his voice dropping to a teasing murmur. “our girl’s shy, but she’s soaked.”
“think we should help her out?” fem-gojo added, her tone faux-innocent as her hand slipped higher.
you had shitty luck. definitely shitty luck. and as much as you hated to admit it, you weren’t about to stop them. not when their touch felt this good.
⋆˙⟡ —
you've always thought the saying keep your friends close, but your enemies closer was a decent piece of advice. practical, even.
apparently, the two white-haired nuisances misheard it as keep your girlfriend close, but her sex toys closer, because right now, they were parading around the room with the entire collection of your toys like salesmen at a bizarrely personal convention.
“this one,” fem gojo started, holding up the suction vibrator with a devious grin, “‘s a classic. compact, effective, and i know someone here loves how quick it can get her to cum.”
“oh, but this —” gojo’s voice cut in as she brandished the glass dildo, twirling it like a baton. “this is art. sleek, sexy, and cold in all the right ways. remember that night when —”
“nope!” you interrupted, your face heating up as you snatched a nearby pillow to throw at him. “we are not going there.”
“oh, babe, we’re just gettin’ started,” fem-gojo teased. “don’t forget this bad boy.” she held up the dual-ended strap-on, dangling it in front of you like it was a prized possession.
you groaned, sinking deeper into the mattress as your face burned hotter. “why do you even have that?”
fem-gojo grinned, plopping down next to you with the butt plug in hand. “because you’re adventurous. and we love that about you.”
"and let's not forget," gojo added, leaning over to waggle the remote-controlled egg vibrator like it was a trophy. "this one. great for public and private use. remember that restaurant trip?"
"i will actually scream," you muttered, dragging the blanket over your head as if it could shield you from their antics.
"awwww, don’t hide, sweetheart," fem-gojo cooed, tugging the blanket away. “we’re just brainstormin’ here. picking out what’ll make the day extra fun.”
“yeah,” gojo agreed, dropping the pile of toys onto the bed before climbing on top of you. “but honestly, we’ll probably just use all of them. right, satoru?”
fem-gojo smirked, crawling up beside you. “absolutely. variety’s the spice of life, after all.”
you opened your mouth to protest, but before you could get a word out, your boyfriend had flipped you onto your stomach, his weight pressing you into the mattress as his hands pinned yours above your head.
“we’ll let you pick,” he murmured against your ear, his voice dripping with faux kindness.
“for, like, two seconds,” fem-gojo chimed in, her hands already tracing down your sides.
“and then we’ll do whatever we want,” they said in unison, their voices harmonizing in a way that sent a shiver down your spine.
you were doomed. delightfully, utterly doomed.
you barely had a second to process what was happening. one minute, you were watching them bicker like overgrown children, and the next, the suction vibrator was pressed firmly against you, its unrelenting rhythm leaving your mind blank except for one resounding thought:
fuck! fuck! fuck!
your pleas — if you could even call them that — were an unintelligible mess. and to make things worse? they weren’t even listening.
“please — ah! — don’t stop!” you cried, your body trembling as the sensations overwhelmed you.
“oh, don’t worry, sweetheart,” gojo drawled from his spot beside you, his grin sharp as ever. “we don’t plan on stopping anytime soon.”
“yeah,” fem-gojo chimed in, her tone equally as sadistic as she pressed the toy down harder, watching your body jerk with morbid fascination. “you���re s’cute when you’re beggin’, though. keep going.”
you gasped, your back arching involuntarily as another orgasm crashed over you. your legs twitched, trying to close around the relentless toy, but fem-gojo tutted, holding you open with ease.
and then you noticed it — she wasn’t even paying full attention anymore.
“are you — are you seriously eating right now?” you managed to choke out between gasps, your glazed eyes flicking to her free hand, which was holding a piece of mochi.
“hm?” fem-gojo looked up mid-bite, her bright eyes wide with mock innocence. “what? girl’s gotta keep her energy up. besides, ya got him —” she nodded toward your boyfriend, who was leaning over you with the smuggest, most shit-eating grin ever — “to keep ya entertained.”
“you’ve got to be kidding me,” you whimpered, squirming as gojo replaced the suction vibrator with his fingers, curling them just right to draw out another cry from your lips.
“hey, i’m working here,” your boyfriend said, his tone dripping with faux exasperation as if he were the one being put through the wringer. “she’s just freeloading.”
“excuse me?” fem-gojo huffed, swallowing her bite dramatically. “i set this whole thing up. i’m the mastermind here!”
“yeah, yeah,” gojo muttered, his attention fully on you now as he leaned down to nip at your ear. “she’s not the one ruining you right now, though, is she?”
“as if you could do this without me,” fem-gojo shot back, shoving another piece of mochi into her mouth as she casually flicked the suction vibrator back on, earning a loud, desperate moan from you.
your head spun, torn between pleasure and sheer disbelief. and as another wave of a telltale orgasm built in your stomach, you realized with absolute certainty that surviving these two was going to take a miracle — or at least a lot more snacks to keep one of them distracted.
⋆˙⟡ —
you’d lost track of time, of everything really, as the relentless assault on your body continued.
it had only been — what? three orgasms ago? — when you thought you’d truly reached your limit, but nope. the suction vibrator was living up to its reputation, wringing every last shred of coherence out of you like a goddamn champion.
you whimpered, your thighs trembling uncontrollably as the toy finally stopped. for a brief, blissful second, you thought they were giving you a break.
but no, that hope was short-lived.
“geez, so sensitive,” fem-gojo cooed, tugging the vibrator out of you with an audible pop!, ignoring your weak whines and the way your hips tried to jerk away from her.
“don’t tell me you’re done already,” gojo added from his spot beside you, that familiar shit-eating grin plastered on his face.
you didn’t even have the energy to retort, your body trembling like a leaf. but what had you blinking back into reality was when fem-gojo — your filthy, depraved, down-bad excuse of a…girlfriend? partner? — brought the vibrator to her lips.
and licked it.
“oh my god,” you croaked, your voice hoarse as you stared in abject horror — and, god help you, a bit of arousal — as she practically drooled over the damn thing.
“what?” she said nonchalantly, swirling her tongue over the toy as if it were nothing. “gotta clean it, right?”
“clean it?” you echoed, your face flushing hotter by the second. “you’re — you’re disgusting!”
“am i?” she mused, licking a slow stripe along the edge before popping it out of her mouth with a smug grin. “taste just like mochi. sweet ‘n soft and sticky. good stuff.”
“oh, for fuck’s sake,” you groaned, burying your face in your hands as your boyfriend outright cackled beside you.
“she’s got a point,” gojo chimed in, leaning over to smirk at you. “you do have that ‘irresistible dessert’ vibe. maybe we should start calling you ‘mochi.���”
“don’t you dare,” you snapped, your voice muffled against your hands.
“mochi it is,” fem-gojo declared with an exaggeratedly serious tone, popping another piece of actual mochi into her mouth as if to punctuate her statement.
you peeked through your fingers to glare at them both, but the effect was ruined by the way your body was still trembling, and the flush across your skin wasn’t helping either.
“geez,” fem-gojo muttered, her tone too casual for comfort as she gestured toward you with the vibrator. “she even jiggles like mochi. see?”
your jaw dropped, and the absolute audacity of her words was almost enough to jolt you upright — if your body wasn’t completely boneless from the onslaught.
“you’re both insane,” you muttered weakly, your voice lacking any real conviction.
“and yet, here you are,” gojo teased, ruffling your hair like you weren’t on the verge of combusting from sheer embarrassment.
you barely had time to process the chaos unfolding before you — your mind still reeling, your body trembling, and your dignity somewhere in the corner, curled up and crying. fem-gojo, that snarky, insufferable piece of shit, was clearly having the time of her life.
“oh, don’t look so done, mochi baby,” she crooned, her wolfish grin flashing as she grabbed your wrist. “i’ve got a brilliant idea. let’s multitask.”
“what the —” you started, but your words were cut off by the smug gleam in her eyes.
she brought your hand up, guiding it to where your boyfriend sat, already hard and clearly ready for round...what even was it? five? six? you lost track.
“i’m doing what now?” you squawked, but your protest was weak, your voice cracking as she maneuvered your trembling fingers to wrap around his throbbing dick.
“helping your man out,” she quipped, her tone all too chipper as if this was the most normal thing in the world. “don’t tell me you’re too tired to give him a hand, literally.”
“‘toru—” you started to snap, but she cut you off, her free hand sliding down to your already overstimulated cunt, drawing a shocked gasp out of you.
“don’t mind me,” she purred, her lips brushing against your ear as her fingers moved with deliberate precision. “i’ll keep you occupied while you help him out. teamwork makes the dream work, right?”
you shot a desperate look at your boyfriend, who was leaning back, looking far too amused by the situation.
“don’t look at me like that, babe,” he said with a smirk, his blue eyes practically twinkling. “you heard her. teamwork.”
“you’re both the worst,” you groaned, your hand trembling as you tried to follow fem-gojo’s guidance.
your efforts were valiant — or at least you thought so — but your trembling hands weren’t exactly cooperating. and judging by the way your boyfriend’s brows furrowed and his smirk turned into a frown, he wasn’t impressed.
“really, baby?” he muttered, his voice low and edged with irritation. “‘s is the best you can do?”
you opened your mouth to retort, but before you could get a word out, he grabbed your hand, his much larger one wrapping around yours.
“here,” he muttered, his tone dripping with exasperation as he moved both your hands together. “lemme show you how it’s done.”
“oh, wooww, would ya look at that,” fem-gojo chimed in, her grin downright evil as her fingers continued their sinful work on you. “teamwork really does make the dream work.”
your brain was short-circuiting, overwhelmed by the dual sensations of your boyfriend guiding your hand and fem-gojo absolutely finger fucking the living soul out of you. the three of you moving together in this absurdly depraved display of coordination was — god, you didn’t even know anymore.
“you’re — insane,” you managed to gasp out, your voice breaking as you felt your body quiver under fem-gojo’s relentless ministrations.
“baby please, you love it,” she shot back, her voice smug as she nipped at your thigh.
your boyfriend groaned, his hand tightening around yours as he picked up the pace. “focus, babe,” he muttered, his tone commanding.
as if you had any focus left to give.
“therrre we go,” fem-gojo hummed, her voice dripping with amusement as she watched the scene unfold. “’s more like it. look at us, a well-oiled machine.”
you wanted to retort, to say something snarky in return, but all that came out was a broken moan as your boyfriend cums on your hand, his low moan filling the room as the two of you worked together to finish him off.
“teamwork,” fem-gojo teased again, her grin widening as she finally let up on you.
“you’re both awful,” you muttered weakly, collapsing onto the bed.
“and yet, here you are,” your boyfriend quipped, leaning down to press a kiss to your forehead.
“mochi baby,” fem-gojo added, and you groaned, throwing a pillow at her face.
⋆˙⟡ —
"wow, six times already, huh?" fem-gojo’s voice broke through the haze of post-orgasm bliss you were floating in, her tone laced with mockery as she leaned against the headboard, arms crossed over her chest. her blue eyes glinted, flicking between you and your boyfriend with the kind of irritation that only her oversized ego could muster.
"must be nice," she drawled, running a hand through her wolfcut in exaggerated frustration. "lover boy here gets to finish, you’re over there makin’ sounds like a damn opera singer, and me? nothing."
"don’t start," you groaned, flopping back onto the bed like a rag doll. your limbs felt like jelly, your body spent, and you were dangerously close to tapping out for the rest of the day.
“oh, don’t start?” she shot back, her eyebrow twitching. “you’re really gonna sit there, lookin’ all fucked out, and say that to me? after all my hard work, this is the thanks i get?”
your boyfriend chuckled, clearly enjoying her theatrics as he tucked himself back into his boxers. "yeah, babe, ’s kinda rude. i mean, she’s got a point."
"oh, shut up!" you snapped, glaring at him. "this is all your fault, you —"
but before you could finish, fem-gojo had already swung a leg over your waist, straddling you with the kind of confidence that only she could pull off.
"what — wait, hold on —" you stammered, wide-eyed as she leaned down, her face far too close to yours.
“nah, sweetheart," she interrupted, smirking as her fingers trailed down your tits. "you don’t get to say ‘hold on.’ not when you’ve been holdin’ out on me."
“what the hell does that even mean?” you hissed, your face heating up as her hands roamed.
“it means,” she purred, leaning closer until her lips brushed against your ear, “i’m gonna sit on your face now.”
“excuse me?!”
your boyfriend burst out laughing, his whole body shaking as he clutched his stomach. "oh my god, this is amazing. please, don’t stop. this is the best thing i’ve seen all day."
“you’re not helping!” you yelled at him, though your voice was quivering as fem-gojo settled herself further down on top of you.
"what’s the matter?" she teased, her grin widening as she reached to tilt your chin up. “don’t tell me you can’t take it. because after everythin’ i’ve seen today, i know for a fact that my pretty girl right here’s a champ.”
“satoru —”
“yeah?” they both replied in unison, and you wanted to scream.
“this is ridiculous," you muttered, though your resolve was already crumbling under her piercing gaze and the way her hands played over your skin.
“ridiculously sexy,” fem-gojo corrected, her smirk turning wicked.
and before you could argue, she shifted her weight, her thighs caging your head, and all you could think was, yea, this is how i die.
your boyfriend leaned back against the pillows, grinning like an idiot as he watched the scene unfold. “yeah, six times is definitely the charm. but hey, babe, looks like you’ve got a seventh in ya after all.”
it was like watching synchronized chaos — if that was even a thing. as if a switch flipped simultaneously in their shared, cursed braincell, both gojos moved in perfect unison, practically tearing at fem-gojo’s top like it offended their very existence. “c’mon, comrade,” your boyfriend cheered, his stupid grin widening as he yanked her shirt up and over her head. “it’s for the greater good.”
“greater good my ass, you’re just horny,” fem-gojo shot back, though she didn’t stop him. in fact, she raised her arms to make it easier, her ridiculously large tits out in the open in all its glory.
“damn right i am,” he quipped, and in the blink of an eye, he was stripped down to nothing but his insufferable confidence.
meanwhile, you were desperately trying to focus on your task. a monumental task. a task fit for a girlboss, because you were a determined woman.
and that task? eating out your insanely hot girlfriend slash partner.
you flattened your tongue against her cunt, trying to ignore the heat flooding your face as her thighs quivered around your head. her hips bucked slightly, and she let out a strangled moan that quickly turned into a string of curses.
“fuck — shit — holy hell, that’s — oh, goddamn it!” fem-gojo gasped, one hand fisting the sheets while the other tangled in your hair. “what the fuck, how — how are you even doing that — fuck — oh my god!”
her cussing was relentless, sharp, and varied enough to make a sailor blush. “shit — fuck me sideways — you’re gonna kill me, holy tits!”
“holy tits?” your boyfriend snorted.
“shut the fuck up, sator — aah! ” fem-gojo snapped, though her voice cracked as another moan escaped her lips.
but you couldn’t even laugh, because you were the one fighting for your life. with gojo gripping your hips like a lifeline, and his cock buried so deep inside you that your vision blurred, outright bruising your insides, it was nearly impossible to concentrate.
"fuck, babe," gojo groaned, his voice low and breathless in your ear. "you’re squeezin’ me so tight — feels so fuckin' good."
and as much as you hated to admit it, tears were streaming down your face, soaking fem-gojo’s thighs as your tongue continued its shaky assault.
“shit — babe, you cryin’?” gojo asked, though his smirk was audible even through the haze of his pleasure. “s that good?”
you wanted to slap him, but all you could do was moan as another thrust hit that sweet spot inside you, making your whole body shudder.
“don’t stop,” fem-gojo whimpered above you, her thighs trembling around your head. “holy fuck, don’t stop — don’t fucking stop — oh m’god, ‘m gonna — fuck!”
and before you could even process her loud, breathy cry, your own orgasm hit like a tidal wave, your walls clenching hard around gojo’s length as you squirted against him.
“oh, fucckkk yeah,” he groaned, his pace stuttering as he chased his own release.
you barely registered anything else, your body shaking with the aftershocks as fem-gojo slumped against the pillows, completely blissed out.
"looks like i win this round," gojo panted, his voice smug as he finally pulled out and collapsed next to you.
"win? win?" you croaked, your voice hoarse and shaky. "satoru, i am literally dying."
and fem-gojo, still catching her breath, managed a weak chuckle. “honestly, me too.”
your boyfriend, the absolute menace, is standing there like he’s giving the keynote address at some unhinged sex expo. with a dramatic sweep of his arm, he gestures to the array of sex toys — sorry, “tools of pleasure” — that he had haphazardly, or as he put it, “meticulously,” arranged while you weren’t looking.
“ladies,” he begins, the same devilish grin on his face that could charm or terrify depending on his mood. “i present to you the greatest hits of our collection: the deluxe rotating dildo 3000 — absolute game changer, might i add — this double-ended masterpiece that got us through valentine’s day last year, and this little number,” he wiggles the suction vibrator like it’s a winning lottery ticket, “for when you need to set a new personal record.”
“oh my god, satoru, shut the fuck up,” you hiss, face burning as you try to hide your mortification behind a pillow.
but fem gojo? oh, she’s eating this shit upp. literally. her blue eyes light up with the kind of crazed glee you’d associate with a sugar-high kid who just got the biggest lollipop at a carnival. it’s neuron activation at its finest, and suddenly you feel a chill crawl up your spine.
“i like this one,” she says, grabbing the double-ended toy with a smirk, spinning it in her hands like she’s about to challenge you to a duel.
“a woman of culture,” your boyfriend says approvingly, holding up a fist for her to bump.
she does, and it’s the single most terrifying moment of your life.
“guys, can we not —” you try to protest, but it’s too late.
“you know what,” fem gojo hums, her voice sultry as she tosses the toy aside, leaning in with a dangerous glint in her eyes. “i was gonna let you off easy after earlier, but…” her gaze flicks to your boyfriend, and the two exchange a look that screams trouble.
“but now,” she continues, her smirk widening, “i’m all charged up. and since my dear clone here is such a team player,”
“we gotta keep the momentum going,” gojo finishes, cracking his knuckles like he’s about to play a round of volleyball.
“no, you really don’t,” you argue, trying to scramble away, but fem gojo’s already got her strong arms around your waist, pulling you back into the fray.
“oh, sweetheart,” she purrs, her lips brushing against your ear, “we’re not stopping until we turn you into a puddle.”
and with that, your fate is sealed.
again.
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#ME TOO! ⋆˙⟡ —#jjk smut#jjk x you#jujutsu kaisen x reader#jjk x reader smut#jujutsu kaisen smut#jjk x reader#jjk x y/n#jujutsu kaisen x fem!reader#jjk x female reader#jjk x fem!reader#jujutsu kaisen x female reader#jujutsu kaisen x you#satoru gojo x you#gojo x reader#gojo x you#gojo x reader smut#gojo x y/n#gojo satoru x you#gojo satoru x reader#satoru x y/n#satoru x you#satoru x reader#satoru gojo x y/n#satoru gojo x reader#gojo smut#satoru smut#satoru gojo smut
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Out of everything that traumatised Neville, Snape isn't one of them. If he is, that's not because Snape is abusive, it's because Neville is literally weak. That's not an insult, that's his flaw- being unnecessarily scared of everything. The other children are not afraid of Snape himself. They're more afraid of the consequences of angering Snape (house points lost, detentions, scoldings) rather than Snape as a person.
Neville's feelings are shockingly enough, not valid. Those feelings of fear, that cowardice? A flaw. Just as much as arrogance, spitefulness, being overly afraid is a flaw and in his case makes him a danger to others, as does his clumsiness and forgetfulness. Now, forgetfulness isn't something you can choose, I'd call it a weakness more than a flaw, but at the same time there are ways to manage it. But the cowardice? That's a flaw that needs to be corrected.
Neville's trauma comes from his family. His uncle is awful to him, as is his grandmother, and seeing his parents in such a state is enough to mess anyone up. He comes from a messed up family. It does not come from Snape.
People also like to say that "Oh look his boggart is Snape even though his parents were tortured!!!" but here's the thing: Neville was probably never even present.
He probably never ever even saw his parents tortured. He knows what happened, but was most likely never a witness. If he was present would he have actually lived? Of course not. So of course he's not going to have that as his worst fear. It's not going to come to mind in school. Not when he just got grilled by Snape.
Neville's been through traumatic events, that's undeniable. But Snape is not one of them. Snape isn't obliged to be nice to Neville. Snape's job when it's Neville is, by some point, just making sure Longbottom doesn't kill them all. Neville's cowardice and clumsiness aren't reasons to coddle him. If I was teaching Potions, I'd have kicked Neville out by second year- no way am I risking a whole class because one child can't follow basic instructions.
Neville's family is the real problem in Neville's story. They're supposed to look after him and care for him. If we're going to be talking about this boy's trauma, we need to discuss how he was more alarmed at the thought of his grandmother being his boggart than Snape was to the point that he didn't mention her, Lupin just mentioned her to give Neville an idea of how to sort out the boggart
And let's also talk about why Lupin decided to essentially completely humiliate a colleague that is already not respected by the children. Making his likeness look ridiculous is so petty and unprofessional. Lupin could have easily told Neville to do literally anything else that would have made the situation funny without making a mockery of Snape, but he didn't. He chose to suggest the grandmother's clothes to humiliate the real Snape- look at what happened at Christmas when Snape got that hat from his cracker, he was clearly upset by it, he clearly knew why the boys were laughing-and not only that, he prompted Neville through the entire thing. He didn't simply say "imagine Snape in your grandmother's clothes", he dragged out the entire thing to make it as ludicrous as possible (like, why the handbag? Why did he prompt Neville to also describe her handbag? Obviously to add to the ridiculousness). That's his colleague. He's leading the kids to disrespect his colleague, their teacher. When you read that scene, it's fairly obvious Snape was likely to be Neville's boggart due to him literally making a remark that embarrassed Neville seconds prior that Neville visibly reacted to (and in all honesty, it was a fair warning. Sarcastic, but fair- Neville should not be entrusted with anything dangerous and DADA involves doing things that could hurt others). If you want to talk about the boggart scene, acknowledge how Lupin had a full conversation with Neville to prompt him to imagine something to humiliate Snape with. "Oh, it's just a boggart" But it's not. Something like that is going to be spread, gossiped about, it will ruin whatever little respect the kids have for Snape. Lupin was behaving absolutely unprofessionally and honestly when I looked at it just now, it made me feel a little sick the way Lupin was talking.
And I'm not even going to discuss Trevor The Toad, I've already gone on about him multiple times before. It's probably the most misunderstood and misused scene against Snape. Like, it only takes two seconds to realise that if Snape's intention was to hurt or kill Trevor, he would have just squished Trevor when Trevor was reduced into a tadpole (was it a tadpole?). As it was, he didn't even leave Trevor as a tadpole and make Neville make the counter-potion, he administered it himself and was specifically mad that Hermione helped Neville after being told not to. Once again, Snape's not being abusive or a bully for the sake of it- he's trying to be a teacher. It's the kind of thing you hate as a child but grow up to realise that actually, the adult had a point. Even if it seemed unfair at that moment.
Anyway, people geniunely don't give a shit about Neville's trauma, and when they do, it's to use it against Snape without acknowledging that actually, it's far worse that his Boggart could have easily been his grandmother but Lupin didn't allow it (he didn't even question why he was so afraid of her). It's far worse that his uncle treated him so badly. It's far worse that the people who were supposed to raise Neville were cruel to him. And it's far worse that McGonagall, who IS supposed to care for Neville, is just as mean to him as Snape is.
The fact that people (Marauders Stans) only care about Neville's trauma to bash Snape. It's always Snape was his boggart never McGonagall risked him dying twice and humiliated him in front of everyone. Or his grandma treated him like shit and his great uncle nearly killed him several times. They literally don't care about Neville. It's Snape fans who actually care more about him (even if they don't care about him) because they don't treat him/his trauma like a tool (which is a very low bar). I feel really sorry for him. After everything he went through, his trauma is not talked about enough.
#neville longbottom#pro snape#anti marauders stans#i love neville. i do. he's a sweet boy#but he's also very flawed#and his trauma is completely misunderstood#no he isn't traumatised by snape he's traumatised by his freaking GRANDMOTHER
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hi everyone, i wasn't sure if i was going to make a statement about the current situation but reading all of my mooties statements made me wanna share my thoughts.
i'm sure most of us are aware of the situation that has happened and i just want to take moment to discuss how fucked up that is. it's not only fucked up but straight up vile and disgusting. leaking a face reveal of a minor is something that is absolutely awful. you have no right to do that and it says everything about the type of person you are.
i don't think i'm actually moots with the person who had their face leaked, but i just want to say how sorry i feel for them. as a minor on the younger side, i would be so scared if that happened to me. not only would my face permanently be on the internet, but i also have people that i don't even know degrading me with such awful and disgusting words. to whoever the victim was, i hope you are holding up okay and please know that many of us are here to support you. please don't listen to these low-life people's opinions.
the fact that someone genuinely feels the need to come onto what's supposed to be a safe place and slander someone for their appearance? do you know how fucked up that is? you probably don't even know the person you're hating on. some people really need to get off their asses and go the fuck outside and touch some grass. words hurt. and once again, this is a minor we're talking about. i know for a fact that as a minor myself, i have felt very insecure about myself and it really doesn't feel good to get hated on my someone who i don't even know.
enhablr is not the same as it used to be last year. i know i wasn't a writer back then but i remember when people were actually able to feel safe in this community. i don't know what goes through people's heads when they decide to come onto enhablr, which is literally supposed to be a safe place, and hide behind anon, only to hate on someone's writing or appearance. that's absolutely fucked up.
as a 14 year old who's almost 15, i feel more scared than i have ever right now on blr. i joined this community so i could make friends and relationships online, not to see my friends being absolutely degraded for stupid shit.
to all those anons who have hated on my moots and any other writer who doesn't deserve any hate whatsoever, fuck. you. there is absolutely no need to do what you do and if you have something to say, hop the fuck off anon.
good night.
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BillfordWeek2024,Week 4 - What Could've Been
Buckle up chucklefucks,this is the last week of BillfordWeek2024 and y'alls have until the 25th to finish your entries. Kiddingg,it doesn't matter if you get them done like two or three days after loll i just wanted the event to have an official end. This is also my own written entry that i was supposed to make at the 19th whoopsss. @aria-greenhoodie @aaabatteryy @wind-tail @spaghettipal @cecilscribbles
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Title - In a different life,in a different time (hehe. a different form,a different time)
Ford is drinking coffee in his bedroom at night while he writes about his new findings regarding the existence of Jackalopes and the Boogeyman in his new Journal 4,sighing contentedly as he recalls capturing the antlered creatures with his niece and nephew without feeling any sort of dread or paranoia this time. "Finally. A moment to myself without having to deal with the portal Bill's tomfoolery and alll of that nonsense. It's just me,and my wonderful memories of my family. Nothing can ruin this blissful moment." Ford says to himself as he embraces the peace that the universe has finally given him,he then continues documenting his findings as he sketches the Jackalopes into the Journal. He then pours himself another cup of coffee straight from the brewing machine,sniffing the bitter beans as he then slowly slurps the beverage while enjoying the moment. Only for him to drop the cup after getting startled by the sudden ringing of the telephone on the table. He then scoffs in frustration after realizing what he had done as he then answers the phone to see who is calling him at this hour.
"Stanley i swear if this is another one of your prank calls-." Ford remarks as he thought it was his brother trying to contact him for another one of his dumb jokes,only for him to hear a familiar high-pitched shrill voice yell into the other line. "SIXER PLEASE LET COME OVER HERE! I NEED TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING!. MAYBE THIS'LL MAKE YOU GET BACK WITH ME!." Bill exclaims as he desperately screams into the Theraprism landline while Ford sighs in exasperation after realizing that this is the billionth time his triangular ex has called.
"Oh. It's you. Bill,how many times do i have to tell you that we're done?!. I don't need you in my life anymore,all you did was ruin it whenever you were around!." Ford shouts as he then roughly puts the phone back on the rotary in anger,only for him to hesitantly grab it back after realizing that the triangle won't hang up until he gets what he wants. "You're still there,aren't you?." Ford asks as he then hears the isosceles practically crushing the phone in excitement. "Yes. Please come over. I found something that'll finally convince you. I'm begging." Bill replied as the genius can hear the pathetic desperation oozing from his voice.
Ford then pinches the bridge of his nose as he tries to consider visiting his dumb ex once more despite knowing that it'll end in them arguing again while the creature gets sent to solitary confinement for aggression,but part of him misses his muse and he remembers that they used to have such a great partnership before things soured between them. "Fine. I'll hear out your pathetic whining again. So much for a peaceful evening.." Ford says as he then hangs up,not allowing the triangle to excitedly ramble about how he's so happy that he's visiting again.
Bill then has the Axolotl prepare to teleport his genius to the Theraprism as Ford then puts his trenchcoat back as he then puts a laser gun into his pocket. As while the triangle won't be able to hurt him anymore,he can never be too careful and he figured that it'd be better to be safe than sorry especially regarding his volatile former muse who still has his powers albeit they're limited. The researcher then goes over outside as he waits for get himself transported to the glorified insane asylum that is the Theraprism,and he closes his eyes only to arrive at the asylum while eyeing the rows of prison phone cubicles before him. He then spots his former muse waving at him and urging him to come over. Ford then sighs as he walks over to the cubicle where the isosceles is.
"So what is it that you so desperately wanted to show me?." Ford questions while glaring at the triangle who's staring at him with an adoring eye only to snap out of it once the man calls his name. "You're so handsome- Wait huh?. Oh right. Check this out." Bill says as he then projects an alternate version of himself and Ford,where he appears to be human while his genius is like 80 years old via beaming up a holographic image of the other reality onto the glass wall of the cubicle. The holographic projection flashes images of the alternate Bill and Ford being so happy together,getting married having fun dates and even spending time with the rest of the Pines without any chaos or destruction caused by the triangle ruining everything. The og Ford has his mouth agape in shock over the projection,not expecting to see himself being so.. peaceful with his former muse albeit in a different reality. "Wh-Why are you showing me this?. Is this even real?,is this an actual alternate reality or are you tricking me again?." Ford remarks in confusion,only for the triangle to look at him distantly.
"It's real,i saw it with my own eye while sulking about the many realities where i succeeded in my plan but we're happy together in the end after some trial and error. I looked through a lot of different universes where we're happy to cope,but this one stood out. Look at this,look at the projection closely. This is what happens,when i actually talk about my issues and therapy works out and we make up instead of me pushing you away." Bill explains as he then started crying in guilt,big fat tears streaming from his eye.
"Look at what could've been,look at what happens to us when i actually deal with my dumb problems instead of ruining everything for myself like i always do." Bill says as he kept crying,the man wincing as he saw the isosceles cry while not knowing what to make of it as it could be another trick. "And you're telling me this,because?." Ford questions in annoyance despite also feeling bad about letting their relationship become so bitter.
"Because maybe we can be like them. Maybe we can make up and i can have the happy ending that alternate reality gave the other me. Where we're married and i actually get along with the rest of the Pines." Bill remarks while wiping off his own tears as the genius stares at him in disbelief. Ford then clutches the telephone as he watches the triangle keep holding onto the Theraprism landline while still projecting the image onto the wall. "I- Bill,i know you want us to get back together because you want to get out of this glorified asylum and for.. other reasons. But this is impossible with the current sluggish rate of your recovery. And i'm not even sure if this future scenario happens in our reality,for all we know this 'happy ending' that you speak of only takes place in that reality and you're destined to rot here for all of eternity." Ford says coldly as the isosceles gasps in shock over his reaction.
"Okay. If you want me to rot here,fine. Be that way. But i just want you to know,that you never stopped being my genius even after everything." Bill replied bitterly as the man ignores him and walks away from the prison phone cubicle. The triangle looks at his genius sadly as he watched him walk away but he knew it was for the best since all he has done is ruin him like Ford himself said.
'And you never stopped being my dear muse.. I wish we could make up too,but things have just gotten so difficult for us.' Ford thought to himself as he voices what he wanted to say to his own mind rather than his beloved muse whom a part of him still missed even with everything the isosceles had done to hurt him,he secretly yearned for the great partnership they used to have before the betrayal but he knows that he can't fix something that's been broken beyond repair.
#gravity falls#bill cipher#stanford pines#ford pines#billford#BillfordWeek2024#billford fanfic#gravity falls writing#gravity falls fanfic#gravity falls fanfiction#fordbill#bill x ford#ford x bill#great uncle ford#grunkle ford#bill ci the demon guy#bill ci the all seeing eye#billford writing#my au#better bill au#yeah that's right. the alternate reality Bill projected was my own au lmaoo#billford au#only if you squint though#gravity falls fandom#gravity falls au#old man yaoi#toxic yaoi#doomed yaoi
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Honestly, this is the sort of thing that all of us who deal in dark kink one way or another have to deal with. I remember when I first started writing darker stuff - bondage, noncon fantasies, that sort of thing - I was genuinely haunted.
''Am I a bad person for writing this stuff? For enjoying it?''
It was made worse because I was writing what I liked. I remember trying to deal with it at first. A sheltered girl who felt the need to write hardcore stuff as a way to cope with the world while worrying that this made her a bad person. In a sense, I suppose that worry was a good thing? it made me examine myself. I introspected a lot. I actually thought out what I was doing and why I did it, and the conclusions I reached I still hold to this day.
Fantasy is fantasy. It's human nature to be attracted to the extreme, drawn to the abyss. We're like moths to a flame in a way. We know that in reality, what we dream of would be horrible. It would hurt people, it would destroy lives. But there is a part of us drawn to the *fantasy* of it. To the game of it. Just so long as we know we can put that game down at the end of the day and come back to a world where everything makes sense.
Writers like me - I don't want to speak for you here since I am sure you have your own conclusions and feelings on the matter - we create fantasies. We weave forbidden tales. We satisfy the desire for dark things in a safe way. I won't say that we don't walk a thin line. We absolutely do. People can consume what we create in an unhealthy way. We need to be aware of that. We have to hold it in our minds.
But we can also help people.
Some people - many people - deal with their traumas, their fears, their worries about the future with sex. The most basic example of that is the classic BDSM surrender thing. Where a sub just wants to surrender, to let their guard down, to *not worry* for an hour or so and relax into a world where they're taken care of and they don't have to make decisions. For them, the lack of control isn't a punishment, it's a release. And they have the right to experience this. For some of them, it's the only release they get.
But it goes further than this. Sometimes for people who face prejudice and bigotry in real life, whose lives might very well be in danger and who face suffering for who they are, fantasies like this are a safe way to engage and cope with those facts. This is true both now and in the past. During World War 2, Nazi porn was massive among people who could be targeted by the Nazis. You know why? Because if you take something scary, something terrifying, something that wants to hurt you and you make it sexy? In a sense, you're removing it's power. You're taking control. You're telling it that you won't be scared of it. You'll take it and use it as fuel.
That's also human nature, and it's something that many people - people who don't deal with it because they're lucky enough not to be threatened in that way - don't really get. They look at, for example, noncon fantasies and think it's about guys lusting after a world where they can just fuck a woman no matter if she wants it or not. There are some people like that, I won't lie. But there are also girls who use it to cope with a fear that they might one day *live* in that world. There are women who were forced into encounters like that and who use stories to contextualise their experiences and reclaim their power and control.
There are trans girls who write and get off to stories focused on transphobia and misgendering, not because they're self-hating but because those are things they deal with every day and they need a release.
And these days, as things skew more and more towards the worse in the real world, releases like this are only going to become more important.
tldr, humans when given the choice will usually choose horny over scary. A lot of people are having to make that choice right now. Dark kink like the sort of thing we produce can be a release for those who desperately need it. Also, apologies for spinning off your post into one of my own. It got me thinking and I wanted to put my work words to it.
Kink in the Hard Era
I got a message recently. It succinctly told me to end my life. Interesting how we can do that in three letters!
Normally, I ignore such missives. This time, however, I engaged. I asked why I should die.
The answer was simple: "you're a misogynist loser".
And you know what...? I get it. I do. This kink, involving power, mind control, gender roles and all that good stuff is a lot less fun when reality seems to be turning fantasies into nightmares.
I trust that everyone here knows I'm not a misogynist, right-winger, complete asshat. But if you need to step back from my content, I absolutely understand. To be honest, I'm not conflict-free in my head about it.
My hope is to provide a place for play, for fantasy; a haven where we can explore power dynamics without the inherent malignancy of hierarchy. But, as stated in my bio: this is all fantasy. Always has been.
And if you are truly a misogynist, transphobe, racist or any other flavor of pond scum making the real lives of real people harder and more dangerous: kindly fuck off.
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'...you know jokes like those actually hurt me, right?'
"who said I was joking?"
.
.
.
'oh.'
#vent#personal#delete later#so um#i don't talk with my family about stuff often cuz#they don't really listen#it's#they always think I'm putting on airs or acting when I say something#i mean#it's not#i don't really know whether or not i actually have a problem#but sometimes i check over my behavior and#some of it doesn't seem normal?#i mean i don't know i'm not an expert and my opinion doesn't mean much but#it just doesnt seem like something we're supposed to experience#so i'll tell them sometimes#well actually i've told them multiple times that i feel like something isn't right#i mean we told them about our back and leg pain maybe 3 years ago?#that wasn't taken seriously#even when i fell the first time it wasn't taken seriously#it took me actually breaking down and crying to miss a singular day of school#mentally speaking i think i might have something going on#i mean i've told my brother that i might have depression and#he just brushes it off and jokes about it#we get home and tell him we've had a bad day and he'll joke about how the m22's there for me and its#it really hurts but no one takes me seriously and i don't know if we're overreacting or if there's genuinely something wrong#in april the thing with my legs happened again and the next day i was told that i was fine and that i needed to go back to school and#And that's not wrong i've never missed school i don't miss school even when i am sick i take a day off and bounce right back but#It kind of feels like they don’t take me seriously?#this is stupid sorry i’ll take this down later
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[video description: a turnaround video of an abstract clay model. It is of a creature walking forward with fin-like tendrils coming off its back in waves. End id]
Model I did for class! Probably I'll be choosing this one for my larger sculpture :)
#art#my art#sculpture#TECHNICALLY this is supposed to be non objective and not abstract#but what the teacher doesnt know wont hurt him#we're supposed to be really hush hush about our inspirations but FUCK that i get to ramble finally#the emotion this was inspired by was initially just what i call Creature Time#yknow when you crawl up the stairs on all fours#like that but More#but as i was sculpting this i realized it also reminded me of when i involuntarily get sucked into daydreams#i hesitate to call it maladaptive daydreaming because its not /really/ bad for me#but during 2020/2021 it was BAD. like id spend anywhere from 4-8 hours just staring at nothing running daydream scenarios#anyways i realized that as i was sculpting it felt more like that so i leaned into it#so. mix of creature time and daydreaming !!#something something separation from identity (both personal identity and identity as a human)#the form is just a fucked up possum with wings#which is why its abstract and not non objective like the assignment calls for#ive been trying to avoid putting names to anything though (like head legs tail) because of the nature of the assignment#lemon yemon
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...
#it's an old frustration. an old pattern of thought.#i just feel that i have a brain that doesn't hold information. that lacks the discipline to gain knowledge. that is incapable of deeper#thought. and i cant teel you how maddening that is. to sit in a room and listen to other people discuss a paper you read in depth 5 times#like it's the 1st time you ever heard anything about it. how is that possible? how do i work with that? i read and nothing sticks.#nothing stays with me. how??? i was talking to a prof recently who ive heard is hard on her students with disability accommodation. and she#was saying how she doesnt see these things as a disability. how we're just different not disabled. ive heard the phrase differently abled#a lot of times. and i get what she's saying. i do. ad i get why she's hard on them. she wants to push them. but there comes a point where#you are quote unquote differently abled and you run into a wall that other people dont have. then what are you supposed to do? work harder?#but what if that doesn't help? what if that just compounds the hurt that's always been there? what if that leaches away all the wonder? what#then? at what point does a thing become too much of a barrier? i think there's a reason i dont run into many other dyslexic grad student.#everyone has adhd. it's a place where those with adhd prosper. but dyslexia not so much. at least not with the level of hanicap i have#and everyone's really nice. they want to help. but there's nothing anyone can do for me at this stage. it's up to me to compensate for my#leaky head. and i kno im not stupid. ive got a piece of paper stating my iq is above average after correcting for uneven intelligence. but#i dont feel very smart most of the time. i feel more like my uncorrected iq score that comes out at just below average even with me trying#my very best. iq is bullshit but there's something to be said for that gap. im smart if unconstrained by language and time. but were bound#by language and we're bound by time so what am i supposed to do? is there anything i can do? im stuck with this forever. theres no getting#better or making it easier. my brain is wired in a way that gives me the reading skills of a child. forever. and i just have to accept that#and im trying to swallow around that idea easier because the only other option is to choke on it. but maybe i chose the wrong career path.#one of my lab mates said she wants challenges all the time and ive chosen a path that's challenges all the time but im jsut trying to do#what everyone else can without a second thought. it's deeply demoralizing. yet here i am. trying to be easier abt it.#maybe im just nit cut out for this. doing a job im not built for.#unrelated
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"SO THEY'RE MONSTERS. THE WORST KIND - THE WELL HARMED ONE. very well. you're the expert here, jake. you.. how do you make sure that they don't bother us anytime soon? this is our town. yours and mine. and no, i don't know these people, but.. i trust you. we'll make all of that happen. WHATEVER WAY YOU THINK IS BEST? WE'LL MAKE IT HAPPEN." perhaps that showed just how serious she was about all of this. about.. him? yes, she was. she would have wanted to be in control of the situation otherwise, but.. right now, she was trusting him to know better. that meant something. didn't it? to her, yes. "no. i don't buy that. if there is something that i learned a long time ago? it's that there is always a winning move. sometimes, it may be a little more difficult to see it, but.. there is always one. there is always a way to survive. together? we can find it. ALRIGHT? NO ONE'S GIVING UP. NO ONE IS LETTING THOSE BASTARDS WIN." she knew that look. in fact, she may not have seen it in him before, but.. she had seen it reflected in her own face in the past. the refusal to admit what had happened. the refusal to admit that it still got to you. she knew that look - she knew that feeling and right now, it made her feel protective for him in a way she NEVER had before. she took his hand, curling her fingers against his own.
"hey. you don't have to, okay? whenever you wish to speak of it.. i'll be here. if not, that's okay too but.. know this? no one is hurting you again. not while i'm here. i take good care of my family, you know? and you're part of it now." perhaps in ways that one would have considered brutal, but.. no, she didn't care. as long as the people she loved were safe? that was all that mattered. she'd do anything - she'd get rid of anyone - for them. her family. "ouch. talk about bad luck? but lucky for me, i suppose. or we wouldn't be here," wrapping her arms around his neck, pulling him closer. yes, this was more like it. "the last date that i went on.. well, you don't want to hear about it. SOME BORING ADMINISTRATOR GUY FROM ANOTHER HOSPITAL. pretty sure i was out of the door as soon as i could. so you see, i.. i haven't been particularly lucky in the romance department either. still learning how this goes, actually." she'd leave out the dates with parker, because he was right. they didn't matter. not in the grand scheme of things, did they? "NONSENSE! you were a great dancer. for someone that was so concerned, you were incredible. enough to sweep me off my feet.. quite literally?" she glanced at him, bitting down on her lip, before nodding. fuck it. what was one day? "i hope you know that you've quite literally achieved the impossible? i've never taken a day off. ever. for anyone. i've gone to work sick and everything else in between. this is new, but.. you know what? i'll do that." she leaned against his hand for a second, closing her eyes. yes, this felt more like it. if anything? it felt like a promise. didn't it? yes. "that.. no one's ever done that kind of thing for me. ever," no one had ever put her first. no one. "and i trust you. with anything, at this point. i'll go where you go." which was not something that she would have said to anyone, but.. jake was different and maybe, she was just starting to realise how much right now. "you know.. it's a good thing we're responsible people or i'm pretty you could have convinced me to run away with you and just.. remain there. being free, just us.. it sounds.. HEAVENLY." @springbandit
Jake let out a soft sigh, running a hand through his disheveled hair as he processed Elaine's words. The weight of hat she didn't fully understand hung heavily between them. He appreciated her confidence and offers, but he knew what Jennings & Rall truly were. What Ravenwood truly was. And he knew they weren't something even the most powerful name could buy its way out of. "They're not just con artists." he said, "They're con artists with tanks, mortars, an entire military-grade arsenal at their disposal. And Ravenwood, the contractors they work with? They don't believe in mercy. You disobey orders? You're nothing. Less than nothing." He paused, willing her to understand the gravity of what they were up against. "I've seen it. Hell, I've been a part of it. Back when I when I was with Ravenwood, we...we weren't good people. We didn't give second chances. And now that they're with J&R? There's no winning moves." Her question about what they did to him hung in the air like a knife. He hesitated, fingers curling against his sides. The memories were too close, too raw. The basement of that pig farm, the harsh lights, the pain; it was a place he tried not to visit, even in his own mind. His voice tightened as he finally spoke. "You're better off not knowing. Some things...They're just better left alone." He looked away, unable to meet her eye as he fought to steady himself for a moment, the familiar thrum of tension building in his chest.
But then, she moved closer, her words shifting the conversation, and Jake latched onto it like a lifeline. His lips curved into a faint smile. "The last date I went on didn't even have working electricity," he teased, tone lighter. "Drinks by candlelight, wasn't exactly by design and it was a far cry from romantic - her mysterious husband returned from the dead. Or rather, we thought he had." He chuckled softly, a bit of genuine warmth creeping back into his voice. "That was the last time I danced, too. Until you. And for the record? Time hasn't made me any better." He reached out, gently brushing a strand of hair from her face. "You should take the day off. Your patients will survive one day without you. In fact, they'd probably want you to have a life outside of the hospital. Besides, you deserve this. We deserve this." his hand lingered for a moment, slowly and gently tracing down her before returning to his side. "I'll show you the stars, Elaine. For as long as you want to see them." he grinned, his confidence flickering back for a moment. "You're looking at one hell of a pilot, Dr. Pederson. Trust me, the air's where I do my best work. Safer than the ground any day of the week." His gaze softened further, and for a moment, the storm in his mind was quieter. "You and me, up there...I think that sounds like exactly what we both need. No noise, no interruptions. Just us."
@fcrafcrtnight
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the problem with nice pretty pain scales is that sometimes you are slowly coming to the realization that you don't properly know what "not pain" feels like in the first place
#like we're capable of recognizing pain when it's like. sudden. or if it gets Worse#we're not constantly aware of our pain. it's background noise that we're used to#but if we ask ourselves if we're in pain and try actually tuning into our body it always hurts#when we were recovering from top surgery as far as i remember we didn't use a whole lot of our prescription pain meds because yeah it hurt#but it wasn't that bad we could just tough it out#honestly i don't think we have much of a concept of mild pain? like mild to us is “hurts but it's not that bad” not “hurts a little bit”#and i mean acute pain is its own thing and it's easier to notice but if something just hurts#how am i supposed to quantify that?#i have a concept of “bad” that i can compare it to but#like#when i'm walking i feel my ankles getting hot more than i notice them hurting#even though i know now that the “normal sensation of walking” has been pain this whole time
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why do i feel weirdly guilty for taking a day off of work to have necessary surgery 🤡
#they said i could go back to work but i did that last time and it was a pain so i took the day off#and i did a bunch of errands and Accomplished Things instead of napping which is what i wanted to do#then finally sat down to watch a movie and eat and im like....feeling guilty for not being at work#insane#to be fair the hour before i left yesterday was crazyyyy bc we had a kind of crisis#ibstayed a half hour late bc there wasnt enough coverage due to the crisis and i did my coworker's clean up for her bc she literally left#without finishing it#bc she was freaking out#crisis is one of the kids had lice lol#anyway she left without finishing her cleanup even tho the owner of the school and our boss's boss dropped by#to let us know the health department was coming thennext day (today)#and she Went Home even tho there was literally cottage cheese all over the floor wtf#anyway i was watching the kids while my supervisor bagged up all the stuffed toys and sheets and blankets etc to wash#then i did my other co teachers cleanup while my supervisor tried to do afternoon diapers but she was so late starting only 4 kids were lef#out of like 8 or 10 that probably should have been changed#so half of them went home without a final diaper change lmao#anyway#bugs 😬#i got a lice treatment shampoo and leave in conditioner but yuck#anyway i just felt really bad bc im out and they always need people but also im out on the day we're getting a ladt minute health inspectio#and i know that classroom is gross bc the cleaning crew thats supposed to come in every night has definitely not been doing that#this has been a shitpost#anyway my eye surgery hurts so bad wah 😭#its not even supposed to hurt that much but im like wicked sensitive to the light or something that it hurts a lot even w eye shields#and nobody is babying meeee#my mom made me clean the kitchen and the barn when we got home :(#my brother is making gf cookies for me tho but not bc of the surgery he just wants to try baking gf for me in general bc he's nice#also he's making 61 cookies by accident instead of 18 bc he doubled the recipe and then realized it was a recipe forngiant cookies lmao
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Having trauma from being misunderstood and disrespected and ridiculed and for any attempt on my part to make those things stop making it worse is like. Not great. Don't like that.
#please do not recommend therapy#I also have these issues in psychotherapy and trauma from that#and 'you just haven't found the right therapist because those experiences are very atypical' feels hurtful and dismissive#since like I've seen a lot of them and it was always the same so it was pretty typical TO ME#and it seems like I'm either being called a liar who is slandering a noble profession#or told to keep doing something that hurts me forever to see if it won't hurt this time#and I'm never allowed to opt out#because it's 'unhealthy' of me to stay away from traumatising environments#that have never helped in the way they are supposed to#but I am wrong to think that it wouldn't be different#so like again we're back to people thinking I'm always wrong#and that my experiences of the world are invalid by default
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youtube
#diana's music diary#good evening hii#i feel really good today!!! at least that's mood-wise...#my body hurts a lot from last night... whenever I take that stuff it makes my bones ache a lot after... brain's fuzzy too @@#it's still really really fun and nice despite that.. felt like I was lucid dreaming and I was so happy and felt so much love for my friends#spent the night just talking to my partner and a friend ive started talking to again recently!!#when I hit the peak I was so entranced by everything and was just watching everything get all bouncy and drifty and colourful and nice :3#fell asleep so happy while I was listening to music it was soooo comfy.. I remember seeing these fractal shape patterns pulling me to sleep#today I was supposed to play a game with the friend but it ended up being busy so we're going to do that another day instead ^_^#might play something with my partner instead idk... today I will just be resting I suppose!! kinda need rest anyways#let's make today good and cozy and full of love... love you friends ty for reading 😊
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Just screamed so loud in my car that both my ears rang and a spider fell from the ceiling. My throat hurts.
#my pharmacy won't fill my meds AGAIN because some motherfucker decided to make a new policy that requires more instructions or something#i keep not getting my meds when I need them because every time i get a new script sent out (like one I haven't been on before) i hear...#...nothing back from the pharmacy; generally for days; and then when i call them (every 10 or 15 or 30 minutes for several hours) no...#...one picks up the goddamn phone and i have to make time to go in in person and ask the pharmacist when my meds will be ready.#and then they tell me 'oh yeah we HAVE the script from your doctor. we just need MORE INFORMATION and sent them an ELECTRONIC NOTE...#...(reminder that i live in fucking rural idaho so most people use a fucking phone and not 'an electronic note') and haven't heard back...#...from them yet so we're just waiting on that :)' and then i have to smile and thank them bc it isn't their fucking fault the policy is...#...some fucking bullshit and then i have to call my doctor on the phone (and can never reach them directly so i have to get a...#...receptionist to leave them a note that i HOPE they'll see in the next couple of days but sometimes they don't) and since i never have...#...an emergency it's often 2 or more weeks before anyone gets back to me. i usually have to call the pharmacy again. and then they don't...#...always answer and i usually have to go in and ask AGAIN why my meds aren't ready and they go 'oh we're still waiting on your doctor'...#...:) or 'they sent us a message back but it wasn't ENOUGH information and we sent them another ELECTRONIC NOTE that they won't see for...#...days or weeks so we recommend YOU call your doctor even though we're the ones flinging you around like a rag doll and you have 0...#...control over it. and by the way we're going to continue doing this for like a fucking year every time you get a new script. and when...#...your doctor asks you if the new meds are working you're going to have to say 'i have no fucking clue because it took 6 weeks to get...#...my goddamn prescription filled and it takes 3 months for the medication to show signs of working so my pharmacy wasted HALF of that...#...time sending electronic notes instead of filling my motherfucking prescription and i was supposed to be off these meds by summer...#...since they cause intense sunburn and shit and i have an OUTDOOR JOB NOW but my acne is still bad and hasn't gone away enough to stop...#...using the super intense stuff and my face hurts and swells and oozes and i have to wear a wide-brimmed hat and sunscreen EVERY time...#...i go outside because i can get a sunburn in 20 minutes now and i've been having heat rashes from the sun for the first time in my...#...LIFE and i have to fucking monitor myself every time i go outside and it's the warm season and i need a new pair of lighter work...#...pants but they don't sell above a size 18 for women even though men go up to like a size 45 which is like a size 24 or 26 in women's...#...and men's pants don't fit me bc i was blessed with the largest ass in the history of mankind' and i am so. fucking. tired.#of all the bullshit.#i feel miserable. my mom is buying me otc imodium bc i have NO IDEA when my prescription will come available. i just want the cramping...#...to stop. i've been having diarrhea all day every day since sunday. the cramps HURT and they keep me up at night. i haven't been...#...eating much bc there's so much shit moving around and hurting in my gut that i can't feel when i'm hungry and food doesn't soumd great.#so i'm weak and slow and tired and can't go to work and i'm using up all the sick days i was hoping to save up to visit my friend in...#...cyprus this winter. so that probably can't happen. but anyways. my mom came by while i was typing this out and i feel betterish.#personal
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i feel like my parents or at least my mom is so close to GETTING it. like. she has a certain viewpoint on the whole political climate. as a whole. and the way she describes it. you're SO CLOSE to getting it but YOU'RE not the one they're going after right now.
you're SO SO SO SO close where if you just applied this same train of thought to trans people or disabled people or jewish people or people of color and thought even SLIGHTLY harder about it you'd realize that you're supporting the people who'd LIKE them to just Shut Up And Die!!! that you're so fucking close to getting it but its being applied to THE SIDE THATS DOING THE FUCKING OPPRESSING!!!!!!!!! and i wish i knew the right things to say to make that Happen. But I Don't. and i HATE it
#theyve only ever brought up trans people but#i dont think theyre. Aware how many people this hurts. I sure as hell wasnt for the longest time until people started talking about it#it's funny to me in a weird way. on a semi-consistent basis they tell me everything wrong with the government or whatever#but you still insist we're proud of america. WHY. WHY ARE WE PROUD OF AMERICA#YOU SEE IT. I SEE IT. EVEN IF ITS ON OPPOSITE FUCKING SIDES WE BOTH REALIZE HOW FUCKED UP THIS SITUATION IS AT THE HIGHEST LEVEL. I THINK#SO WHY DO YOU INSIST WE HAVE TO BE PROUD OF AMERICA. NO THE FUCK WE SHOULDNT.#you SHOULDN'T be by default. if a country has so many deepseated problems and is tearing itself apart from the inside#except for the rich people#then that's not something WORTH being proud of#it should be earned shouldnt it??? not just proud of it because “that's what we're supposed to do”?????#i cant believe i ever believed this shit.#koivent#koi does emotions
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i shld sleep oh my god
#🌙.rambles#i am somehow not rlly sleepy despite barely having sleep but my head does ache slightly. but just a few more stuff left in this week n#i'll properly rest for a bit ! bcs next week even though we're gna have a break ofc there's like.. prom n then that vacation right after T_#gna be fun but i'm. definitely gna be rlly tired. n.. nah i need to stop overthinking abt sm stuff#just. anxious that i might end up being too shy. usually in social events like that i realize i#end up pushing myself a bit too much n then it ends w me just putting on a strong facade#i'm worried too i think bcs two of my friends haven't.. reconciled yet? so. yeah it is possible i may have to deal w some stuff during prom#fuck. i'm just. worried abt a lot of things in general. but i'm mostly overthinking it. everything.#sigh in general i'm being too harsh on myself again. wtf maybe it's the sleep-deprivation or smth bcs ik i'll manage it all#i believe in myself n know i'm capable but. it's just.. overwhelming rn i think. n it. hurts bcs it's like before in a way..? n like my wol#i wonder. what we'd all do if we were hypothetically given the chance to be able to do whatever we wanted in a day n have whatever we want#without changing the reality we have now or yeah no consequences at all. just a lil day in an alternate world we could control#if you were to choose for yourself n only for yourself what would you do?#sob ig i relate w rinoa too bcs of that strong facade part. i wrote that for my wol too#but like even w all that in the end uh. every time i read these sort of stuff it comforts me deep down#bcs i remember back then when i rlly just had my family#that.. loneliness. i write abt it a lot huh. not that i'm exactly seeking for something. maybe before bcs i didn't talk w my friends anymor#but now i suppose it's just something painfully constant. but not really too#i can't.. put it into words rn n i'm low on sleep. but i rmb just daydreaming to myself back then of my wol's development though#from heavensward.. sorta hiding herself n having to be strong for others. though she so desperately just wants to let her guard down#n be free yk. a break from all her responsibilities n rest.. she's young after all. but while i do relate with that it's still#yk particularly w the context of my wol being yeah the warrior of light in ffxiv. but. i rmb writing of how then that was being strong for#her. n.. yeah she was healing from stuff then. that's hw. but in stormblood ooh i wrote here that she put her emotions to the side#bottled them. became more serious n i tied that w being a samurai main back in stb w duty stuff help this connects well but it's funny#hesitant in heavensward to trying to do things more on her own in stormblood to.. accepting it all in shadowbringers#shy/quiet was more in hw while being serious/calm was in stb. raghhh i rmb my notes well in 2021 but i'm so afraid to look at like#the stuff i wrote last year 💀 but. oh my this is embarrassing but i do like how i even just dump my thoughts. it's bittersweetly beautiful#maybe i'm trying to accept everything at once or yk putting too much pressure on myself to improve holistically.#like.. i want to write before i grow older than my fav charas yk? n then just think of lots of stuff too n.#be productive. study. n idk just more more more in general but i could be less harsh on myself. yeah
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