koi-does-emotions

[koi-does-emotions]

Oh for fucks sake man

So like suddenly im really glad i decided to put all my emotion thoughts on tumblr instead of like a twitter priv or something because jesus Christ

[koi-does-emotions]

im still kinda,,, having trouble breathing fully right i keep coughing every once in a while. still feeling kinda drained. god. i. ow. i hope this doesnt keep happening for like. my sake as much as hers because i do NOT think i can handle this happening frequently because just once has made me never want that to happen again

Oh God Thats A Trauma Response

[koi-does-emotions]

my chest hurts jesus. i know im probably being irrational but i cant help but be very. scared. about this. i just hope i'm wrong. i really really hope they're okay. and that this is healthy. i don't know. i'm trying not to panic again thinking about it but its really hard. i dont know how to really unpack my feelings because the more i talk about it the more i start crying again. gooooooooodddddd okay

Oh God Thats A Trauma Response

[koi-does-emotions]

jeeesus christ................... that.............. is the closest i think i have ever come to like. a panic attack. that was awful. uuuuugghhhi feel awful. im still kinda breathing heavily but im not panicking so much anymore or crying so bad

Oh God Thats A Trauma Response

[koi-does-emotions]

my heart is beating out of my chest.i cant sotp breathing so loud. fuck. fuck. FUCK

Oh God Thats A Trauma Response

[koi-does-emotions]

oh god. oh god in heaven please let this relationship not be abusive i cant do this againaic ant see someone go through this againno n o no no for fucks oh my gos what am i going to do

Oh God Thats A Trauma Response

[koi-does-emotions]

Oh God Thats A Trauma Response

[koi-does-emotions]

sssiiiggghhhhh. sometimes i try to apply a Hobby to an oc but i cant think of anything that isnt just Something i do (read: art or writing or something vaguely within the area of those 2. or gaming. i guess) because i dont fucking. get out. at all. and i havent like. Done that at all. and then i get sad. this is sad. fucks sake. most of my formulative memories are on the fucking puter which is very hard to translate into an experience to talk about with someone who doesnt already know what the hell im talking about

[koi-does-emotions]

for reasons unrelated to passing the fuck out too but that certainly is not helping and is the main issue for fucks saaaaaaaaaaaake

GOD FUCKING DAMMIT THATS NOT FAIE

[koi-does-emotions]

really not feeling like a 20 year old adult lately

GOD FUCKING DAMMIT THATS NOT FAIE

[koi-does-emotions]

for fucks sake

GOD FUCKING DAMMIT THATS NOT FAIE

[koi-does-emotions]

WHYDID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN

GOD FUCKING DAMMIT THATS NOT FAIE

[koi-does-emotions]

t\THE FUCKING NIGHTS ARE THE ONLY TIMES I EVER HAVE COMPLETELY TO MYSELF AND I UNDERSTAND THE WANT FOR MY SAFETY BUT GOD DAMMIT I WANT TO KEEP MY LIFE

GOD FUCKING DAMMIT THATS NOT FAIE

[koi-does-emotions]

thats so fucking cruel. wjy did this have to happen. how long is it gonna tkae for these assholes to forget and go back to normal because i know it's going to happen. i know im going to get my fuckign nights back to myself eventually if i wait long enough but how long is that wait. why did this have to happen. god fucking dammit. i feel so fucking MISERABLE WHY DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN

GOD FUCKING DAMMIT THATS NOT FAIE

[koi-does-emotions]

GOD FUCKING DAMMIT THATS NOT FAIE

[koi-does-emotions]

sooo lets review. isolating myself from my friendgroup after one of the worst meltdowns ive ever had (out of Growing stress from a toxic relationship and friendgroup). need a hobby so i dont continue being sad. pick up gacha since its gaining popularity at this point. download kinemaster once i lose access to windows movie maker. stop isolating myself. i no longer hang out with that friendgroup or make gacha but i CONTINUE making videos with kinemaster with increasing quality. i want to do this for a career. i enjoy doing this long-term. i was 15 when this started and im 20 now and im so irrationally upset at this chain of events

oh my god my entire current career direction im studying for was eventually beCAUSE OF MY FUCKING GACHA PHASE

[koi-does-emotions]

or its like. addendum. shes. i BELIEVE her when she says "i dont hate diversity" or whatever. like i dont think shes Outright Racist or whatever the fuck but you know. when her immediate reaction to seeing the words "diversity" "Inclusion" and "activist" is fucking Groaning because its "brainwashing" then i tHINK THATS THE FUCKING PROBLEM

"im glad you dont fall for that brainwashing" ma'am i have been fallen for it for years and the brainwashing in question is not immediately groaning and saying its attempted brainwashing when people talk about diversity or trans people

i feel like my parents or at least my mom is so close to GETTING it. like. she has a certain viewpoint on the whole political climate. as a whole. and the way she describes it. you're SO CLOSE to getting it but YOU'RE not the one they're going after right now.

you're SO SO SO SO close where if you just applied this same train of thought to trans people or disabled people or jewish people or people of color and thought even SLIGHTLY harder about it you'd realize that you're supporting the people who'd LIKE them to just Shut Up And Die!!! that you're so fucking close to getting it but its being applied to THE SIDE THATS DOING THE FUCKING OPPRESSING!!!!!!!!! and i wish i knew the right things to say to make that Happen. But I Don't. and i HATE it