#if my life is just going to continue being pain

[spatialwave]

"my ambition" - part three | the prequel

➸ pairing: jayvik x fem!reader ➸ word count: 4.5k ➸ tags: mdni! minimal nsfw, fluffly, poly relationship, relationship beginnings, blossoming love, s1 act 1, no mention of y/n, alcohol use. ➸ notes: so excited to get this out! had a fun time giving this relationship history and i spent way too much time overthinking whether the ending was too rushed or if it was too self-indulgent... and then i realized its a fic so i get to do what i want LOL! pls let me know if you would like more parts, or if you want some drabbles about this specific trio. i would really appreciate it.🥹

<- part 2

You had always been academically gifted. Rising to the top of your classes each semester, pushing aside anyone in your way. Especially for a young woman, who had been accepted into the Academy before you had even finished your secondary schooling – a gifted student with the proudest of parents and professors.

Born with an influx of ambition flowing through your veins, knowing from a young age your duties to the world. It took more than wordy false promises to make a difference to Runeterra, it took action. That’s why you vowed to help Zaun.

What better way to take action, than to help those who had been long forgotten about. You were smart enough to see the way the city had been tossed aside, forgotten about, while Piltover only continued to grow and thrive. There was sickness festering underneath, people dying because of the less-than living conditions and poverty that swallowed it whole.

There were many days when you wondered if it was too much, if you, as a topsider, could actually make a difference. Would anyone want your help? The bigger question being – how were you going to help?

Then, you met Viktor. 

That was when your ambition rose higher than ever. A smart, young man a handful of years older than you – a man from Zaun himself. The youngest assistant to the dean, a title that was hard to come by, and rather jealousy inducing.

You’d weaseled your way into his life quite easily, finding him in the halls and striking conversation whenever you could. He was polite, and good at slipping away when your attention became overbearing. You couldn’t help your over-excitement for a scholar from the undercity. Someone who matched your levels of ambition. Someone who was able to teach you about the place that had been nothing more than whispers and off-hand comments by your peers.

You fell in love. Quickly, and hard.

Viktor, too. It was your smile, your innate excitement, the genuine intrigue you had of him and how he was able to share the experiences of chronic illness with someone who wasn’t just a damned doctor – someone who understood the pain. How could he not fall in love?

Viktor found himself appreciating you more and more with each passing day, wondering when you’d sneak through the halls to find him to share your newest revelation.

Wondering when he could be expected to be pulled into a broom closet so you could ravage his lips with your own. He hadn’t been so experienced with romance until you appeared in his life, content with focusing on his studies at the academy. You changed the trajectory of his life—and so had Jayce.

-

”Hextech?” You raised an eyebrow, sitting on a stone bench within the academy courtyard and holding a half-eaten apple in your hand, “I don’t know. Sounds… unstable,” you murmured honestly, looking between Viktor’s eyes as he stood in front of you. You took another bite, the sweet flavour calming you.

You had to admit, as much as you were uncomfortable with this new scientific breakthrough, so to speak, you had never seen Viktor quite this excited about anything.

“Precisely,” Viktor said, eyes practically shimmering as he spoke to you, “that’s why you’re going to help.”

“No way,” you huffed, standing on your feet and waving him away, “you just told me that all the work got confiscated, how the hell would I even help?” You spoke in a hushed whisper, as if Heimerdinger himself was listening in to the conversation.

“Eh, confiscated is a loose term,” he said, taking a step toward you, a gentle hand on your shoulder. You tensed at the touch, turning your head from his gaze and shaking your head adamantly.

You had morals, and perhaps you listened to the dean a bit too much at times. Science was incredible, but ethics were important, and the explosion was proof that it was an unpredictable type of magic. If Heimerdinger made the call that hextech was unsafe, a yordle with decades over your own experiences, then you should listen, no?

“It has the capabilities of helping more than just the city,” he urged, fingers tightening on your shoulder, “Please. Let us show you.”

Those words tugged at your heartstrings, leaving you conflicted as your heart yearned to know more. You took a deep breath, closing your eyes momentarily as your mind reeled at all the possibilities.

The first image to pop in your mind was the proper union of Zaun and Piltover, an incredible feat that no one could ever pull off. No more distinction between the two – just one beautiful place to live. Your dream.

Could hextech really be the key?

“Fine,” you sighed, crinkling your nose and opening your eyes, “but I’m under no obligation to like this Jayce guy, he sounds like he doesn’t know how to properly take care of his research.” You looked up at Viktor through your lashes, watching the way the corners of his lips curved into a small smile, “Why are you smiling like that?”

—

“Crank it!” Jayce exclaimed from his chair, eyes full of childlike wonder, as Viktor stood at the chalkboard, crossing through equations and murmuring about the research he was still properly acquainting himself with.

You, however, stood next to Jayce, chewing hard on your bottom lip as your partner agreed with his words.

It all seemed fine, plausible, even. Yet, you remained apprehensive.

“And it if it doesn’t stabilize, what then? Part two of the great blue explosion that destroyed your apartment?” You asked, eyes focusing on the man sitting, his honey-coloured eyes shining as they watched you. Your stomach twisted tight, hating the way he made you fill with butterflies.

You knew him for less than twenty-four hours, and he already had you twisted around his fingers. Gods.

It was completely unfair to be caught between them both.

“It’s worth a test,” he was adamant, then a sigh left his lips, “but we don’t have access to my equipment.”

“Which is being destroyed tomorrow,” Viktor murmured, eyes back on the chalkboard and fingers touching his chin as he was lost deep in thought.

You jumped when Jayce stood quickly, the chair he sat on nearly toppling over.

“What?” he asked, panic rising in his throat.

“Oh, yeah,” Viktor cringed, looking over his shoulder at Jayce, “Sorry. I meant to tell you.”

You could sense the way Jayce was teetering on the edge of a breakdown, his breath hitching in his throat as he rambled on about how it was his life work, how they could show the council the equations to show them the proof. There had to be something!

But Viktor was right, proof wasn’t reliable on paper. They needed physical proof. A real test.

“We can’t do it without the crystals. The enforcers took them all, they’re gone,” Jayce ran his hands over his face as he collapsed onto the chair once more, deflated from the situation.

Your hand rested atop his shoulder, giving a gentle squeeze, much like Viktor did with you when you were overworked. Jayce flickered his gaze to you, those puppy-like eyes offering a silent ‘thank-you’.

“Mhm,” Viktor hummed, “locked away in Heimerdinger’s lab,” he continued, eyes settling on you.

“No,” you were quick to know where he was going with this, “Count me out, we are not breaking in.”

“She’s right,” Jayce said, eyes widening, “you heard the council, if we’re wrong–”

“Better be right then,” Viktor interrupted, and Jayce’s eyes sparkled with possibility.

You felt a tightness in your chest, shaking your head as you took a step back. The two of them spoke back and forth, but you hadn’t been listening. Just as you reached the boiling point, you turned on your heels and took a step away, but Jayce was quick to turn his attention back to you. He stepped forward, hand grabbing your wrist, and you felt your heart jump up into your throat.

“Stay,” he pleaded, hand tightening.

You huffed a loud sigh through your nostrils, brows creasing together and lifting. Gods, why did he have to be so goddamned charming? You hardly noticed the curious look that Viktor gave you two before rolling his eyes and turning back to the chalkboard. The smirk on his lips well hidden.

“Fine!” You snapped, pulling your arm from his grip, “but if we get caught I’m telling everyone that you two made me do it. I am not taking the fall for this.”

Jayce grinned, a toothy smile that lit your cheeks aflame, “Deal.”

You stayed a few feet behind the two men, arms crossed over your chest, as you careened through the halls quietly. You were hardly a rule breaker, in fact, usually a stickler for keeping peace. It was in your nature, like many topsiders.

When the three of you reached the door, you felt panic rising as footsteps echoed down the hall from where you had just come from.

“Shit,” Jayce whispered, “hurry.”

Viktor was fiddling with the keys, fingers filtering through them until he found the one for Heimerdinger’s lab. With practiced ease, he slipped the key into the door lock, twisting back and forth until it clicked.

Both you and Jayce were standing side-by-side, watching a flashlight in the distance, pointing in your direction, but too far to pick up on the three figures breaking in.

Viktor opened the door, and they stepped inside, but you were frozen. Unable to tear your gaze away from the enforcer that had been doing patrols and walking right toward you.

“Ah!” You gasped when there was a harsh tug on your arm, stumbling into the laboratory and crashing against Jayce’s chest. Viktor closed the door behind you without even the slightest creaking – a perfectly silent entrance.

“You've never broken a rule in your life, have you?” Jayce smiled, eyes watching you with curiosity as you pulled away from him yet again. You opened your mouth to answer but Viktor cut you off.

“She is a law-abiding citizen,” he answered, supporting himself on his cane as he walked further into the lab, looking around for the confiscated equipment.

“Can you guys keep it down? They’ll hear us.” You whispered, pushing past Jayce. Annoyed, and thankful the redness on your cheeks wasn’t visible in the darkened room.

“Huh,” Jayce grinned in response to Viktor, walking behind you as he looked around the lab, “you’re not kidding.”

“Shut up.” You hissed.

Settling in the lab, you stood off to the side, peering at some of Heimerdinger’s books as Jayce scrambled to find the pieces of his work. You listened to the sounds of the electrical whirring as he welded the parts back together, lost in thought as your fingers traced over the spine of a book.

A hand lifted to the small of your back, startling you for a moment.

“Sorry,” Viktor murmured, eyes watching you.

“It’s okay,” you chuckled, smiling as you leaned against him. Silence grew between you two as you slowly dropped your hand from the bookcase. You glanced at Viktor, biting down on the inside of your lip in habit, “Do you think hextech really has the strength to help people? Like us?”

Those honey-eyes softened as they flickered over your nervous expression, and he nodded, “I do.”

With a deep inhale, you tried to let go of your apprehension to the situation. This was for the best. If you wanted to reach your dreams, you had to run over a few toes, right?

“It’s all here,” Jayce called from his spot at the table, pulling the goggles off of his face and turning to look over at you two.

Viktor held up a blue hextech crystal to you, one from the handful that was confiscated, and when you offered him a questionable look, he insisted with the forward movement of his hand. Slowly, you reached out and took it in your fingers, feeling the rigid orb press against your skin.

This was it.

You pressed a kiss to his cheek before making your way to Jayce, who had been looking at you two with a small smile.

“Here,” you said, offering the crystal with an open palm as you stood next to him, Viktor coming up beside you.

Jayce reached out, taking the crystal, but not without a lingering touch to your hand. Viktor took notice, a sparkle in his eyes that you hadn’t noticed as you watched in curiosity as the hextech crystal was placed into the machinery.

It glowed a bright blue hue, sparks from the crystal illuminating the room. You had never seen anything so beautiful.

“It’s time to crank it!” Viktor said excitedly as he snapped close one of Jayce’s notebooks he had spent time looking through the past few days, looking in front of you and toward Jayce.

“Are you sure you know what you’re doing?” He asked, growing uncertain as Viktor sucked back a breath and shook his head.

“Do it,” you interjected, eyes wide as you stared at the beauty of the hextech. The inner scientist in you couldn’t be tamed any longer, you needed to see what this could do. It was almost addicting, and you couldn’t look away. It had sucked you in completely, “you have to try.”

They shared a look between each other, swallowing lumps down their throats. Viktor leaned forward, pressing the button of the machine, and it began to spin. It gained enough speed that it created a constant blow of wind that pushed your hair back wildly – electric currents flying wildly.

“I don’t think it’s going to hold!” Jayce said loudly, the electrical crackling of the machine deafening all other noses, “look at the buildup!”

“The resonance will stabilize it, trust me,” Viktor returned, sharing a thoughtful look with Jayce, an attempt to calm him.

You, however, were unable to look away. You stared at the wild glows of blue, a smile on your face, and blissfully unaware of the enforcers that were making their way up to the laboratory after seeing the blue light shining from the windows of the lab.

Moments later, the chaos settled, and you gasped with a big smile, hands slamming on the tabletop, “this is incredible!” You exclaimed in awe, watching as it stabilized.

Viktor smiled to himself, his hand finding your back yet again, “told you it would work,” he said encouragingly, eyes flickering to Jayce, “all yours.”

“It’s never done that before,” he murmured to himself, unable to tear his gaze from the slowly spinning crystal that sent waves of electricity to the surrounding runes, “...alright. Here we go.”

Hesitantly, he reached to the button Viktor had pressed, twisting the knob several times, so the surrounding runes began to spin and orbit the crystal.

You watched expectantly as Jayce twisted it over and over, creating different pathways for the crystal to spark energy. You couldn’t help but lean closer, even when the out flowing electricity stung your cheeks.

What the three of you hadn’t expected was a surge of energy to blast out, nearly toppling you all and breaking the lab’s windows. Within the impact, you fell right into Jayce with a yelp. Strong arms wrapped around you as he reached for the knob, and you clung to him, face buried into his chest.

The energy was strong, and for a moment you prepared for the untimely death of three scientists who just wanted to change lives. How fitting.

Then, the glass from the window flew back into place, as though time around you reversed, causing a brief moment of respite and enough time for Jayce to push forward and slam his hand on the button. The crystal fell back into place, and you were all able to breathe.

Slowly, you peeled yourself away from Jayce, feeling around your face and body to make sure your body was still completely intact.

“Incredible,” Viktor beamed, smiling, “we need to try again.”

You and Jayce shared a look, silently agreeing that it was now or never. And for you, there was no more backing out.

This time, you took a few steps back, not wanting to be caught up in the aftermath of a worse explosion, but still curious enough to peek over their shoulders. As you settled back, you swore you heard sounds coming from the hallway, but it was hard to tell over the crackling sounds of the hextech.

Pressing your ear against the door, you closed your eyes to focus, and you gasped.

“Someone’s coming,” you told them, hands holding the doorknob tight, “you better hurry.”

Viktor took a few steps to the door, sliding his cane through the handles of the door so it was snug, “better than nothing.”

The two of you shared a startled gasp, the rattling of the door loud when the enforcers reached the door and began to hit it with force, kicking and yelling for you to open up. Heimerdinger was with them.

“Stop this lunacy at once!” He called from beyond the door, and your gut twisted in guilt.

A few more heavy kicks and the door creaked.

“They’re almost through,” Viktor said, turning around back to Jayce’s side, “no pressure.”

“That sounds like pressure!” Jayce yelled, working hard to synchronize the runes with the knob. He looked over his shoulder at you, who was now pressing against the door with your weight. With each kick of the door, you huffed, doing your best to keep them from pushing it in.

A rather heavy kick caused you to stumble, but you got right back to it, watching over your shoulder as Jayce closed his eyes and focused on the hextech. 

Your attention was pulled back to the door when the cane cracked, and you tried to push against the door, but it was no use. One more kick and you’d be goners.

But the hextech won.

The sound of another surge pushed you against the door, and you panicked at the intensity that felt like it was going to crush you, and then suddenly… you were weightless. You turned to Jayce and Viktor, eyes wide, as you all had begun to float up into the air.

After one more kick, they broke inside, but the surge reached them, too. They stumbled back, while you had started laughing.

It was incredible, absolutely incredible.

“Excuse me, underfoot,” Heimerdinger spoke, pushing past the enforcer and stepping inside his lab, gasping when his eyes landed on you three.

You were nearly touching the ceiling, floating with your belly to the ground and caught slowly spinning between Jayce and Viktor. Your giggles erupted into a fit of laughter, unable to control it as you twisted around in the air. 

Jayce flicked a piece of metal, where it floated through a glowing blue orb that was just above you, and it shot out right at Viktor. You collectively gasped, taking everything in.

This was magic and science blurred together, a medley of perfection. Hextech worked. You did it!

“Will you please stop hovering?” Heimerdinger spoke, looking up as you spun your body around, touching and prodding at debris.

It was like swimming, you were able to push yourself, and you accidentally collided against Jayce, the two of you sharing a laugh. You couldn’t quite place it, but as your eyes caught his, you felt something – like a mutual intrigue of each other. Was attraction too strong of a word? Your cheeks reddened, matching his own, then he cleared his throat and turned his gaze away.

“I’m not sure how to do that, sir,” Viktor finally responded, pushing toward you both and smiling as the three of you moved around together smoothly, not touching. Floating. Feeling free.

Like all things in life, it didn’t last. The surged power of the hextech settled, and thankfully it was a smooth descend that kept you three from any broken bones.

Viktor had been wrangled by Heimerdinger, only after a good verbal lashing that included you and Jayce. Blabbering about the rules, ethics and how dangerous this was. At the end, your partner had been whisked away for damage control, trying to explain everything and to keep any of you three from penalties and punishments.

It left you and Jayce to clean up, gathering everything together into the back area of the lab, still in awe over everything that had happened.

Once finished, you stepped out into the brisk night air first, somehow still chipper enough to bounce down the steps while Jayce hustled behind you. You hadn’t been so inclined to do goodbyes, but he stopped you with a hand on your wrist, much like earlier. It sent a shiver up your arm.

“Wait,” he said, and you faced him, battling the redness that crept up your neck as you tried to remain composed, “will you stay?” he asked, grip loosening on your wrist, “to help us, I mean.”

“With the hextech? Of course,” you answered, rolling your eyes playfully, “Who in their right mind would see that and not want to explore it? That was incredible, Jayce. You should be really proud of yourself.”

A smile lifted at the corners of his cheeks, the compliment doing wonders to the insecurities that lie deep within him.

“Wanted to make sure,” he eventually said, dropping your wrist as you both ventured away and into Piltover, toward your homes, “I like you. Well, I mean – you’re good to have around. Smart, you know.”

A giggle bubbled up, a hand lifting to your mouth to try to stifle it, “you’re a dork, just like Viktor.”

Jayce smiled at you, biting down on his bottom lip as the two of you ventured down the streets together, “how long have you two been together?”

The question was quick to fluster you as you met Jayce’s curious gaze. You wondered if the question accidentally slipped out, and you could ignore it, but you could tell he was waiting for an answer.

“Oh, uh, just a couple of months. Officially.” You answered shyly, hands clasped behind your back as you walked side-by-side.

“That’s nice,” he murmured, “...so, has he always been so absurdly intense about science? Don’t get me wrong, I like everything about his ambitions, he’s a great guy for even wanting to help me. He’s just—“

“Surprisingly eccentric?” You laughed, nodding, “when he gets excited about something, it’s like his brain goes haywire. I suppose that’s the way of being an ambitious innovator”

“Yeah, I suppose so,” Jayce smiled, quietly admiring you in the moonlight. Studying and memorizing everything he could.

The two of you ended up walking around aimlessly, indulging in small chatter as you shared your hopes and dreams. You shared nearly everything you could about your life, and he told his story about him and his mother, and how that sparked his discovery towards hextech. It was easy to talk to Jayce, to get lost in his voice – he was just so damned kind.

Nearly an hour passed when you finally approached your apartment, which was rather close to the Academy. The two of you had simply taken a few detours around the neighbouring streets.

“Trust me, if you want to get on the dean’s good side, then you need to…” your voice drifted off when your eyes settled on a certain individual sitting outside on a stone bench. Broken cane in his hand and looking up at the sky. “Viktor!” You called out, rushing ahead, “if I had known you were coming back to mine, I would’ve hurried back.”

He turned to look at you two, raising a curious eyebrow and smirking as Jayce slowed his pace behind you, “I have only been here a few minutes, it’s all right.”

You dug around for your keys in your pocket, walking up to him and outstretching an arm for support as he stood. He could walk relatively okay without his cane, but you still enjoyed the way he would lean on you. It became habitual between you two.

“I should leave you both to it,” Jayce cleared his throat, giving an awkward wave as you two ventured toward the apartment.

“Why don’t you come in?” Viktor asked, motioning for him to follow.

You looked up at him in interest, figuring the two of you would be falling asleep the moment you got inside. Nonetheless, you went along with it.

“No, no, it’s late. I don’t want to overstay–”

“Come inside, Jayce. We don’t bite.”

Viktor was convincing enough, or perhaps Jayce had too much of a soft spot for him because he was quick to accept the invitation.

It ended up being a great night, the three of you crowding around your kitchen table. Drinking some nicely aged wine you had hidden away for only the most important occasions. You celebrated your shared success and discussed everything hextech, the possibilities and what you hoped it would provide. You shared laughs, especially as the night went on, and you had all begun to feel a bit delirious at times as the sun began lighting the sky above the horizon and the wine settled in your stomachs.

“Well, I hate to be the one to end the night,” you smiled, sleep beginning to win its war over you, “I’m tired and sore, I should get some sleep.”

“Yeah, I should get back to mine, or, what’s left of it,” Jayce agreed with a dampened chuckle, eyes flickering out of the window to gauge the time with the colour of the skyline.

“Why don’t you stay the night?” The question fell from your lips much too quickly, unsure if it was your overt politeness or an underlying desire that lead it, “if you’re okay with that.” You shot your gaze to Viktor.

It felt like hours, but the few seconds you took to share a look said lots. A silent agreement about your shared feelings for Jayce.

“Sure,” he answered. A shy smile tugged at your lips, and your lover turned back to Jayce.

The man seemed a bit uncertain, and maybe a bit too tipsy to understand the looks thrown at him. His amber eyes jumped between you two, “I’ve intruded far too mu–”

“Stay.” Your voice mixed with Viktor’s almost too perfectly, in complete synchronization.

“Okay.”

The night became a blur. It was Viktor who had led you both to the bedroom, the wine clouding all judgment from the three parties and allowing you to just be. To indulge in each other without wondering what would come next. To allow yourselves to act on attraction and lust with nothing holding you back.

“I’m glad you stayed,” you murmured, lips lingering along the stubble on Jayce’s jawline. Viktor, who was behind you, peppered kisses along your bare shoulders.

“Me too,” Jayce breathed in response, hands careening your naked body and intertwining with Viktor’s fingers with they met over your hip.

“Let’s stop talking,” Viktor mumbled with a quick nip at your skin, the confidence in his voice sending a shiver down your spine.

Jayce wasn’t quite certain how he managed to be wrangled in by you both, but he wasn’t going to complain. Not when, for once, everything felt right.

[julymusings]

dark chocolate cherry

i want to bring you flowers from the mountains, bluebells, dark hazels, and rustic baskets of kisses. i want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees.

or; your boyfriend shows up when you just want some alone time [3.2k]

jason todd x fem!reader; reader gets her period and describes painful symptoms; just fluff; jason "words don't come easy so here's acts of service" todd this is supposed to be earlier in the relationship which is why he's still a little shy but i think she knows he's red hood? idk man. i was just going with it; can you guess what inspired this? (everything is awful) and this is like…not that good

The day started at 2 AM when you woke to shooting pains in your abdomen and blood everywhere. It continued until 2:45 while you cleaned yourself, changed clothes, put on a fresh pad, took some painkillers, and changed the sheets. It paused for about an hour until you woke up again at 4:00, courtesy of Gotham’s patented night-life that had taught you to completely tune out the sound of police sirens. Tonight, however, they weren’t tuning out.

The sirens quieted at 4:10, by which angry tears collected in the corners of your eyes as you flopped around in bed in an attempt to get comfortable. No matter what you did, there was always something wrong; the pillow was too hard, the blanket was too scratchy, the position hurt your arm.

From 4:11 to 4:12, you screamed into your pillow.

By 4:15 you had settled in front of the TV with a bowl of dry cereal (it took everything in you not to cry over the lack of milk in your fridge), a heating pad, and your favorite comfort show queued up.

At 8 AM you managed to drag yourself to work, where you half-assed the day’s tasks, took a 15-minute break to cry in your car, then dipped out a half-hour early.

Now, at 5 PM on a Friday evening, you’re curled into the fetal position in front of your TV with your comfort show resumed and your trusty heating pad cranked to the highest setting. Prepared to spend the entire night here, you already changed into pajamas and kept a couple blankets within reach. Your phone buzzes on the coffee table, and you stretch to reach it, careful not to lose your comfortable position or roll off the couch.

Jason About to leave Be there in 20

You groan out loud. You want to throw your phone across the room, but decide against it because no amount of hormones from hell are worth six hundred dollars. You’re still angry, though, for being so stupid as to forget about the date you had planned for tonight. Scrolling up to earlier messages, you see another text from today wishing you a good morning and telling you he was excited to see you tonight. But, too down to bother checking any messages today, you had missed it.

You I can’t tonight anymore I’m sorry I don’t feel great

After hitting send, you place your phone on the ground, not even having the energy to reach for the coffee table again. Or the energy to lift your arm back up, apparently, given how it hangs limply over the edge of the couch. You feel guilty about cancelling, but you are in no state to go out tonight. You’re used to the symptoms of your period hitting so hard. As much as you and Jason care about each other, you’re not sure you’re ready for him to see you like this. You’ve managed to plan your relationship around your hormone cycle so far, but today it came early.

Your phone’s buzzing is muffled by the rug, and you almost don’t hear it. Jason’s photo is displayed on the screen.

Your hanging hand clicks ‘answer’ and puts it on speaker so you can take the call without moving from how you're curled up.

“Is everything okay? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I’m fine, I just don’t feel up for going out tonight. I’d rather stay home.”

“Did something happen?”

“No, I just got my period so I’m not really in the mood.”

“Okay, we can stay in tonight. What do you feel like eating? I can pick something up.”

“No, Jason…I want to stay home alone tonight.”

There’s a beat of silence on the other end of the line.

“Okay…did I do something?” His voice comes out a little smaller.

“No, you’re fine, I promise. I just don’t feel like seeing anyone right now.”

“…Not even me?”

Your hand presses against your temples to soothe the building tension headache. The self-doubt in his tone brings the anguish of the entire day bubbling up your throat. You feel like the worst person in the world. Exactly how you don’t want him to see you.

“Jason…it’s not you. I just…I feel like shit right now, honestly. Everything hurts, I’m miserable and sad and angry at everything, I’m breaking out all over.” You feel yourself welling up at all these little stresses coming out. “I’m craving everything but feel too sick to eat anything…I feel pretty disgusting right now, and frankly, I don’t want you to see me like this.” You finish your rant with a sniffle. You wipe your nose, trying to hold back the sob that’s threatening to break through. But at his silence, your worst, most improbable fears claw their way to the surface: he hates you now. You scared him away. You exhale heavily into your sleeve as more tears spill.

The phone is quiet for a long moment.  Then; “I could never find you disgusting,” he says, gently. “But if that’s what you want, then we’ll reschedule.”

“Thank you. And sorry.”

He speaks with a tone you can’t quite parse. “Don’t apologize. Just feel better.”

-

-

-

It’s one hour after your phone call, and at the first knock, you know who it is. Who else could it be? With that soft, somewhat hesitant, one-knuckle rap on the door. Only one person knocks on your door like that.

“Jason, I told you not to come here,” you say a little more cutting than you intend to, but your back and shoulders feel like they’re about to snap under a phantom pressure and the frustration of your request being outright ignored leaves a burning bitterness that channels itself into a violent wrenching open of the door.

He jumps a little at the abruptness of your greeting. One look at your face and he visibly deflates.

“I’m sorry…I know you said not to come, but…” his gaze casts downward to his hands. You follow; he’s clutching a reusable grocery bag. Peeking out of the top is a gallon of Neapolitan ice cream. The ice cream carton’s condensation seeped through a small patch of the cloth bag and dripped onto the other items; a bushel of greens, among some other fruits and vegetables, as well as a parcel of brown paper that was fastened closed with a twine string. You return your gaze to his face.

“I think—” he cuts himself off, free hand coming up to rub the back of his neck. Then he drops his hand and sighs. “I’m sorry. This was a bad idea. You told me not to come here and I ignored you, but I thought…” he trails off, probably hoping you’ll say something so he can gauge your reaction.

You just stare at him.

He shifts his weight back and forth. His hand twitches.

“Okay, yeah, I’ll—”

Then, you burst into tears.

Jason’s eyes widen. He reaches out to touch you, then stops himself. “Oh, fuck, I’m sorry! I’m sorry, this was stupid. Please stop crying, I’m so sorry—” He’s panicked, trying to calm you down with apologies and soothing assurances that he will leave immediately and never go against your wishes again. All the while you stand in the doorway, blubbering like a toddler with a skinned knee, new tears forming faster than you can wipe the old ones away.

He once again raises a hand towards you, before it stutters, then clenches into a fist as if it takes all his strength to fight against the instinct to be close to you, fighting against the string that tethers him to you. He drags his hand down his face, then it falls back to his side.

“Okay, I—I’m leaving now. I’m leaving. Do you…want this?” He holds the bag out to you.

With it now in front of you, its further contents are visible. You manage to tamp down your tears enough to get a few words out.

“Did you—hic—buy me groceries?”

“Yeah…” There’s a wince in his tone, as if he’s only now realizing that his gesture is not translating as he intended.

You look back up at him with pursed lips and knitted brows, sniffling. Sure, the ice cream you can understand, but…you have no idea what to make of the rest.

The bag drops back to his side. “I figured…it’s just— it’s the stuff that you’re supposed to—” He strokes his palm over his mouth, eyes screwing shut for a moment. He huffs at himself, then continues. “I mean I’m sure you already know all of this, so maybe you already have all these things, and now I’m realizing how unnecessary all this was, and I shouldn’t have assumed—”

“Jason,” you say. Your upset has since been overshadowed by something else, though you can’t tell what it is. And your crying has stopped, but its lingering effects have you feeling congested and a little foggy. You’re half expecting this to be a fever dream that you’re moments away from waking up from in a cold sweat.

“—because obviously you know what helps you feel better much more than I do—”

“Jason.”

“And you— yeah?” His eyes are a little harried when they find yours again. But off your tired and still-confused look, he gets the message and collects himself.

“Right, yeah, I just thought that…maybe I could bring you some of the stuff with all those minerals that are supposed to help women when they’re…menstruating.” He briefly breaks eye contact at the end of his sentence, red rouge creeping up his neck.

You can’t help it; you start to giggle. You can’t remember the last time you heard a man use the term ‘menstruating’ in a non-medical context. And the fact that he’s so shy about it— upset as you may be (though not at him), there’s no denying how adorable your boyfriend is. His head shoots back to you as your laughter intensifies. He blushes harder.

“It’s not that funny,” he mutters.

You step away from the door, finally closing the space between you, and wrap your arms around his torso. Your head nestles into his chest. He gently drops the grocery bag on the ground and reciprocates your hug. He rests his chin on your head, which fits perfectly under his. Like two puzzle pieces clicking into place. You breathe him in.

“Sorry I’m such a mess,” you murmur into his shirt.

He breathes into your hair. “You have nothing to apologize for. And you’re not a mess.”

You look up, chin resting in the space between his collarbones. He looks down at you with a small smile, but some wariness is still etched into his features. Fear of unwittingly upsetting you again. He brings up a hand to push some hair out of your face and tuck it behind your ear. His hand remains there, toying with the hair that falls below your shoulder.

"Thank you for the food,” you whisper. The moment feels too intimate to speak any other way.

“I’m sorry for not listening to you. I just…” He imitates your quietness, like his admission is also too vulnerable to say loudly. “I really wanted to see you. And I hated the idea of you feeling bad about yourself, or being in pain. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

Your eyes feel wet again. The first instinct is to hide your face, maybe press it to his chest once more. But, for some reason, you don’t. You want him to see you like this, messy and emotional and upset. You want him to see every part of you, and you want to see every part of him, the good and the bad.

“You didn’t.” A tear slips past the effort to keep it at bay. He shows no reaction to it, eyes never leaving yours, other than a quick swiping away with his thumb. “No one’s ever done anything like this for me before. That’s why I was crying. Not because you showed up.”

“That doesn’t seem right. This is nothing. You deserve even more.”

With no words to fully, adequately communicate the blooming in your chest, you stand on your toes, reaching up to him for a kiss. But given his stature, your lips only reach his chin and brush over its underside.

At your quiet whine, he chuckles and leans down to meet you in the middle. The kiss is soft; filled with the innocence of fresh blossoms in the spring, and the sweetness of its borne fruit.

You pull away when a vicious cramp roots you back to the present. Your limps tighten around Jason with a groan.

“I need to go back inside. I’ve been away from my heating pad for too long.”

His shoulders sag when you step away from him. “Oh, um…do you still…want me to leave?”

With a simple exhale of humorous disbelief, you grasp his hand in yours and tug him to your front door. He’s like an excited puppy, eyes brightened and perking up as he grabs the grocery bag and happily trails after you.

He goes straight to the kitchen, pulling out a chair at the counter for you to settle into, then sets the bag on the counter. The ice cream carton has dampened most of the cloth by now, and likely the rest of its contents, but rather than attending to the groceries, his first action is retrieving your heating pad from where it rests on the couch. He unplugs it from the wall outlet and brings it to you. You curl up on the chair with it pressed flat against your lower stomach. It only takes a minute for the pressure in your hips to abate.

Then he moves to the groceries. The ice cream immediately goes in the freezer, and he unloads what’s remaining onto the counter, one by one, and you take note of each item. There’s spinach, carrots, apples, oranges, dark chocolate, some kind of meat wrapped in brown paper, and, strangely enough, an entire block of cheese.

You give him a quizzical look, picking it up to read the label. “You got me…cheddar cheese?”

He retrieves a cutting board and knife from its spot next to the sink, then takes the cheese from you. “Good for certain symptoms.” He slices open the plastic wrapping and cuts out some cubes with skilled efficiency. He does the same with an apple. “They all are,” he says, referring to his entire haul. He completes the makeshift charcuterie board with a couple squares of dark chocolate and slides it across the counter.

You look down at the cutting board, thinking about everything he’s done for you; everything you never even had to ask for. The words sit on your tongue, encaged by your clenched teeth; an admission that coils itself around your spine and squeezes tight, restricts your breathing and pumps your heart at thrice its speed. But you feel yourself welling up again, and the first bout of tears already exhausted you so much that all you can manage is, “I don’t know what to do with all this. I don’t have the energy to make anything good.”

But he just smiles and says, “That’s what I’m here for, honey. Can I make you something?”

You nod. He gets to work. The immediacy of his actions, how he takes no time to decide on a dish or find a recipe, makes you think his previously stated intentions of ‘just dropping this off’ were less genuine than he lead you to believe. Nevertheless, you munch on the snacks he laid out for you and watch him work. The cheese and apples are a surprisingly cohesive combination, the meshing of sweet crispiness and savory creaminess eliciting a contented sigh from you. You try to ignore the way Jason smirks in the corner of your periphery. The chocolate is incredible, yet unfamiliar. You read the label on the packaging: 80% Dark Chocolate with Cherry and Almond Filling. Even if you hadn’t tasted it yet, the quality of the packaging itself would have been enough to let you know that this chocolate is extremely high-quality. Like, special-order-from-Europe quality. Not stop-at-the-grocery-store-on-the-way-home quality.

“Where is this from? Did you buy this today?” You ask him through a mouthful of the rich, melting chocolate.

He doesn’t look up from the carrots he’s dicing. “Uh…no.”

Anyone else would attribute his avoidance of eye-contact to standard kitchen-knife caution. You are not anyone else. You could blindfold him, spin him around ten times, put a sharp knife in his hand, and he could still pull off a perfect julienne. You look closer. His cheeks are dusted with pink.

You let out a laugh. “Jason, you’re not embarrassed about liking fancy chocolate, are you?”

“No! Not at all,” he says, ceasing his chopping. He looks up, but not quite at you.

“Then?”

“‘Then’ what?” He asks.

“Then why are you being so shifty right now?” You try to catch his gaze.

“I’m not!” He defends. “It’s just chocolate! Do you like it? I’ll bring you more.” He’s stealthy with the way he avoids your eyes; you almost can’t notice how hard he’s trying not to make eye contact.

“Jason!” You reach across the counter, having to rise off the chair slightly, and take his face in your hands, making him look at you. When he does, he wears a sheepish smile.

“It’s…” His removes your hands from his face, holding them in his. He mumbles something, turning his head to the side. But you catch the tail end of it, a goading grin already creeping up your face.

“What was that?” You tilt your ear towards him, exaggerating the action.

“It’s Bruce’s.” He, in turn, exaggerates the enunciation, rolling his eyes at your simpering. “I…found it. In his pantry one day. And I liked it, so I took it. And then I…kept taking it. Every time I visited.”

You pout teasingly. “And you’re ashamed to admit that you think he has good taste in something?”

He doesn’t say anything, only hiding his face in his shoulder. You pull on your intertwined hands and he gets the message, skirting around the kitchen counter to come closer.

“You are so adorable, you know that?” You say. You reach up and pinch his cheeks. He swats your hands away, but there’s no mistaking his broad, childish grin for anything but affection.

He breaks off another square from the chocolate bar and holds it to your lips. You bite off a small portion, then push it back to him. He takes the remaining piece in his mouth and his eyes close for a brief moment as he savors the sweet, tart, and nutty flavors. You simply watch, entranced by him. Then, he kisses you. You lean into it, hands sliding up his shirt to grip the fabric and bring him even closer. His hold finds your waist.

He tastes like cherries and dark chocolate.

He breaks the kiss to rest his forehead on yours, and you want to tell him that. That, and so much more. But from the look on his face, the way his eyes find yours and the tips of his ears have a similar heat to the one in your chest, you can tell he already knows.

when it comes to jason's post-pit-repressed-teenager characterization (aka despite being older he's still as inexperienced and confused and insecure about the world outside of vigilantism and w/ women as a 15 y/o would be) (aka my favorite characterization tee hee), i think that he's mature about periods, knows they're normal and not gross or shameful etc, but still gets shy about saying the actual word, for no other reason than the 'shy around women' part always makes me giggle

also bruce is keeping the chocolate stocked specifically because he knows jason likes it and will keep taking it because he loves his son even if his son doesn't love him (he does he's just in his angsty teen 'i hate this family you don't understand me' phase rn)

divider is from here

quote at the beginning is pablo neruda <3

[harmoonix]

Remember Me ❤️‍🩹

More Solar Return observations ❤️‍🩹

❤️‍🩹 Moon in the 1st/4th or 5th house can focus a lot on their family/relatives in that year, you'll have to reflect on them

❤️‍🩹 4th house ruler in the 9th house can indicate moving in a foreign country during that year/can happen alone or with family members (vice versa)

❤️‍🩹 Sun in the 11th house = Getting more friends, being more social & open to new changes in your life

❤️‍🩹 Saturn or Pluto in the 11th house can indicate being betrayed by friends or people close to you, backstabber indicator

❤️‍🩹 Sun in the 2nd house can benefit more financially during that time. Making more money

❤️‍🩹 Venus aspecting the MC (Midheaven) can indicate getting more attention for your appearance during that time

❤️‍🩹 Chiron in the 4th/8th or 12th house will involve unhealed traumas coming back to you as a sign of awareness

❤️‍🩹 Saturn in the 8th house will have you locked in chains as it shows an insecurity about their intimacy or sexual life

❤️‍🩹 Sun x Ascendant = Getting more recognition for the things you do during that time. People starting to see your worth

❤️‍🩹 Jupiter in the 10th house can excel in their career/job/work/ during that year. Being praised at work!

❤️‍🩹 Jupiter x Neptune in harsh aspects can indicate staying in denial for a certain situation. Like something you don't want to accept

❤️‍🩹 North Node in the 11th house or Aquarius can be into social media/online during that time, getting popular or just recognized there

❤️‍🩹 North Node in the 7th house gonna experience seeing relationships/partners with other eyes during that year. Something changing about their view

❤️‍🩹 North Node in the 3rd house can be more vocal about specific things during that year. Something that make you more excited

❤️‍🩹 Venus in the 3rd house becomes more charming in their communities during that year, their communication skills can change in order to charm others

❤️‍🩹 Moon aspecting the south node will have you reflecting on your past a lot. Things from the past can reappear in your life

❤️‍🩹 South Node in the 7th house can be an indicator of exes coming back in your life. But not only for a relationship.. can be any type of it tbh

❤️‍🩹 Pluto x Venus aspects can attract potential manipulators or toxic people into your life during that year. Especially obsessive people

❤️‍🩹 Pluto in the 1st house can indicate an intense year where you'll go through emotional and painful stages to gain/find your power

❤️‍🩹 Fire Risings can indicate finally starting doing the things you like/things you wanted to do for a while/focusing on your needs

❤️‍🩹 Neptune in the 3rd/6th/11th houses will interact more with people, can be at work/school/social places etc/festivals

❤️‍🩹 Venus in the 11th house can gain more admirers on social media/people can become more closer to you in online

❤️‍🩹 Guys I swear every solar return I do for literally like 4 years continuously. Lilith is stuck in my 12th house- the healing never stops ✋️😭

❤️‍🩹 Jupiter in the 9th or 11th house can be indicators of making foreign friends or having different ethnicities in your social circle

❤️‍🩹 Usually Sun or Venus in the 5th house are great for discovering new talents or new hobbies you didn't know you have

Since the year is ending soon! Here are more solar return observations ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹!

[tarot-by-e11e]

PAC: "Little Warnings"

(this is strictly for entertainment purposes only)

Unfortunately, this is gonna hurt. So, don't read through this if you're already going through some pretty harsh stuff.

When I felt called to do this PAC, I felt that we needed to be humbled and check ourselves occasionally to see if we were being a bit too arrogant. It's such an odd feeling to be called to do this theme for this specific PAC, but hey, even if not every loving call out may be meant for others, every message is still, in some shape or form, valid. Not all of it may resonate with you, and that is still okay~

But I am manifesting that you will encounter this when the universe deems you need to be lovingly knocked down a few pegs~

Nothing wrong with a little loving call-out?

Pile 1:

Cards Pulled:

Queen of Wands, Hierophant, 5 of Coins

Hi Pile 1, if you chose this pile, whenever part of your journey you read this, here are your little warnings you might need to know, so only take what resonates with you, okay?

"Aren't you getting a bit over your head lately? Nothing wrong about being confident in your own abilities but you don't need to rub it in other people's faces that you know you're that Queen B~"

"There's a fine line between confidence and arrogance, my dear. If you don't want to be perceived as someone abrasive or cheap, you know what you need to do."

"Traditions are great and all but there's always room to make new traditions. Honoring the past doesn't mean you have to continue living in the past."

"Which would you prefer being ruthlessly right all the time and be hated? Or learn how to communicate compassionately without sacrificing your truth?"

"Don't expect different results when you're clearly stuck in your ways."

"No matter how much you mean well, if you don't know how to respectfully convey your messages properly, you will not be understood in a way that you'd prefer."

"Don't expect other people to pick up on your body language and subtle hints. Not everyone is as painfully self aware as you."

"Your Past pain is valid but your attitude is not."

"You keep behaving like you can't get passed your trauma from your past then btch out on how cruel life was for you, so you project your hurt towards others, especially towards people who are living the life that you want. Seriously, pick a struggle and push through it. Make it make sense."

"You are not bound to the environment you grew up in, because you have the power to change your destiny. Remember, at the end of the day, only you can save yourself from your circumstance."

"You are more capable than you let yourself believe you are. You just chose to live in your pain when you know you have to put in the effort for you to change your life for the better."

"You are bound by your own self imposed limitations. You are imprisoned in your mind by your own fear."

Channeled Song:

(this concludes the end of your reading)

(this is strictly for entertainment purposes only)

Pile 2:

Cards Pulled:

Queen of Swords, Chariot, Strength

Hi Pile 2, if you chose this pile, whenever part of your journey you read this, here are your little warnings you might need to know, so only take what resonates with you, okay?

- "I'm all up for honesty, just not verbal abuse. So be discerning if the receiver of the message is too soft hearted or easily traumatised."

- "Words are double edged swords. The same words that can heal can also break someone's heart."

- "Discern which battles are worth fighting for. Know when to retreat your words when you know that how you speak may bring more harm than good."

- "Being assertive and a goal getter is nice and all, but remember, your passion may be misinterpreted as abrasive and uncouth. Remember to respect other's personal boundaries."

- "Going after what you want is normal, disregarding someone's feelings and free will isn't."

- "Think before you speak or do."

- "Your way isn't the only way."

- "Impulsive behaviour leaves you susceptible to disaster and unnecessary quarrel. It won't kill you to think before you leap."

- "You don't need to so harsh and dominant to be perceived as strong."

- "Having strength does not warrant you to be mannerless and disrespectful."

- "Hypervigilance doesn't mean you're strong. It means you've been pushed to the corner where you had no one to rely on, especially during the times you need anyone the most."

- "Being able to do everything on your own doesn't mean you don't need help. You can lean on to others unharmed too. Not everyone is out to get you."

- "Just because you used to being in pain and on your own, it doesn't mean that what you've gone through is something you deserve. Don't catastrophize every bad thing that's happened to you as a punishment from the universe. Unfortunately, bad things happen for no reason. You were just unfortunately at the wrong place in the wrong time."

- "You don't deserve to be stuck in your hyperindepence and wear your lack of trust in others like a badge of honor. Your body can only hold so much trauma before it starts completely wrecking your nervous system and have it physically manifest as an illness. Ex. You struggle to lose weight no matter how much you work out because your body doesn't feel safe to exist. That's why you body stores fat as a cushion to help make it feel safe to exist."

- "How far will you keep pushing the people you love away? Are you waiting for their patience to run out so that you can subconsciously prove to yourself that everyone would leave you?? You're so hellbent in your skewed narrative that feeds your self-sabotaging tendencies and lack of self worth that you'd do anything to have your negative self talk to manifest into your reality. Stop feeding yourself the BS that (If they're meant for me, they'll stay. News Flash, no one wants to willing stay with someone who refuse to grow out of their own toxicity. No one can save you but yourself. EVEN YOUR LOVED ONES HAS LIMITS TOO."

- "Be a dear and search up the meaning of the ff. words: GASLIGHTING, STONE WALLING, COVERT NARCISSIST, ACCOUNTABILITY, EMOTIONAL MATURITY, JEALOUSY, SOFT FBOI/GURL, SHADOW WORK, MALADAPTIVE DAYDREAMING (Feel free to see which words hurts the most for you and start working on that)"

- "No one can save you from your own self imposed mental prison of scarcity and unworthiness. People around you can only do so much for you. The power to trap you and free you has always been in your hands."

- "Are you done thinking that everyone is out to get you? Hopefully you'd come to realise that people don't think about you as much as you think they do. Everyone's busy barely surviving their lives to be bothered to meddle with yours."

- "You're not as strong as much as a target you think you are, and that's okay. You don't have to be in everyone's mind and in everyone's DM to feel important. You are worthy and deserving of all regardless if you are in the spotlight or behind the scenes."

- "Two things can be true at the same time. You are the Main Character of your life and also be a background character is someone else's storyline."

- "What's serious for you may not be serious for someone else. So don't expect others to adjust for you when you made zero efforts to properly communicate what you wanted to say."

Channeled Song:

(this concludes the end of your reading)

(this is strictly for entertainment purposes only)

Pile 3:

Cards Pulled:

7 of Swords, Ace of Swords, 6 of Wands

Hi Pile 3, if you chose this pile, whenever part of your journey you read this, here are your little warnings you might need to know, so only take what resonates with you, okay?

- "Just because someone broke your heart it doesn't give you the right to leave a trail of broken hearts in your path. Your pain is valid but your attitude and actions afterwards aren't."

- "Being betrayed in the past doesn't mean you should play and to toy with someone else's feelings. You are becoming the player that you hated the game for."

- "Not all people mean to use and abuse you. Other people are just good natured and mean what they say. Don't confuse someone's genuity because someone else broke your trust before."

- "Discernment is highly encouraged, projecting your pain and jealousy isn't."

- "It's great to chase new ideas, what's not great is to chase the idea of someone new then cheat on your current partner just because things got bored. Don't be a part of the problem."

- "Don't even dare entertain anyone new just because you chose to be lazy and not put in the effort to communicate on how your current relationship can get better. Emotionally opening up to someone is cheating. Having a work husband/wife is still cheating. Putting yourself in any situation that would cause your partner to doubt your loyalty is a breeding ground of disaster of the life you currently know."

- "If you caved in and cheat now, you are bound to cheat again. If you allow yourself to be tempted now, you have proven yourself unworthy to even be in a loving relationship. In short: you have become part of the problem. So don't expect receiving anything you refused to give. You have no right to the privileges of an exclusive and healthy relationship if you fck around and find out. (because you actively chose to play whack a mole and find out what it's like to have std because of your recklessness)."

Channeled Song:

- "How far will you go just to win? Will you cheat on your partner just to have a promotion? Will you pay someone to ruin your competition just to win? Will you start a smear campaign just to go ahead? Will you drop little white lies to make yourself appear as the better option? How illegal and immoral would you allow yourself to become just to get ahead? Is it worth it? Lose your friends and family along the way? Just to win that empty cup?"

- "Will you abandon your morals just to win?"

(this concludes the end of your reading)

(this is strictly for entertainment purposes only)

Pile 4:

Cards Pulled:

6 of Swords, Knight of Cups, 7 of Wands

Hi Pile 4, if you chose this pile, whenever part of your journey you read this, here are your little warnings you might need to know, so only take what resonates with you, okay?

- "Unfortunately, leaving the problem behind without any explanation or letter won't make it go away."

- "Ghosting, just to protect your ego, is never the answer. Face your issues like an adult and accept the consequences of your actions accordingly."

- "No amount of dr*gs, alcohol, smoke or flings can help you tun away from your own willful ignorance. You can't run away from your own feelings. The only way to get away/rid of your problem is by facing it. This is one of the moments in a person's life where DELULU is NOT the SOLULU."

- "Fleeing the country won't keep you from feeling your feelings."

- "Just because you understand how people work and emotionally operate, it doesn't mean that you should use that to your unfair advantage. Stop binge watching those dark psychology videos. And you wonder why people pick a bad vibe from you? What do you expect? You are indeed the problem: the not so covert manipulative problem."

- "Stop using the promise of helping others with their dreams just so you can trick them in making your dreams come true at their expense."

- "You can only spin a web of lies so far."

- "You're not as convincing of a gaslighter as you think you are. People can see through your lies, they just chose not to speak up because, yes, they do it out of pity."

- "Resilience is incredibly admired but bulldozing other people out of your way to get the results is out of the question."

- "Not seeing the results that you want then btching about not having slept enough and feeling like you're about to collapse? You chose to overwork and overburden yourself to the point of burn out, and you're shocked that your health and sanity is fcked up? Dear, make it make sense."

- "Has it ever occurred to you that just because you put in the effort to win someone over, it doesn't mean that they're obligated to choose you? Free will and preferences are a thing, you know? You can be everything and more to that person, and that person is not required nor obligated to choose you. You can the most ideal man/woman and still not be chosen."

- "Don't expect exclusivity from someone who told you from the beginning that they're there to fck around. You can't change someone just because you stayed. You can only keep someone that wants to be kept by you."

Channeled Song:

(this concludes the end of your reading)

(this is strictly for entertainment purposes only)

Feel free to check out my feedback herePaid Readings are AVAILABLE

In all honesty, I feel so bad for releasing this PAC but there's this oddly strong gut feeling that we all need to be humbled and wake up to the toxicity we all chose to lie with at night.

In fact, some things we've gone through, unfortunately are the results of our own lack of accountability.

Sorry if I hurt your feelings, but some painful warnings need to be said.

Notice:

Exchange Readings are OPEN

Feel free to send me some support in the form of tips,

Head to my Buy-Me-A-Coffee here 🍀

[sarawritestories]

Oh Gods I Wish You Were Here

Cassian X Fem Reader

Summary: The holidays are fast approaching, and Cassian can feel the void now more than ever.

Content warning: mention of death, holidays, grief, and tears probably, not proofread.

A/N: Not how I intended to come back, but I got in my feelings, and this was the result.

Don't take it personally that I didn't tag this one...I just wanted to get it out as the words came.

Joy to the world. The war was over Feyre's birthday was upon them, along with Winter Solstice. Velaris snow covered, warm lights illuminating the longer evenings. Cassian could hear your daughter laughing alongside his cousin Nyx. All was right with the world.

Just not Cassian's.

As he looked at the daughter, the two of you shared, he reached out that familiar bond, and he did his best to cover his flinch as a reaction to the winter breeze rolling in. And not the ache of the end of the fading gold bond being hollow. The painful reminder that you were not here. Not watching your daughter growing up or laughing at his corny jokes.

The Mother was cruel.

"Daddy," he smiled, swallowing the tears threatening to form, "Nyx said we get to go decorate the tree at Auntie FeyFey and Uncle Rhysie's house" Aria, your 6 year old, raised her arms up and was in Cassian's embrace in an instant, his wings curving to block the wind. "Can we, pretty please?"

Cassian wanted to fall to his knees. She had your smile, the twinkle in your eye when you were excited about something. It wasn't fair.

You should have been the one to soak in these moments. To enjoy in the holiday luster. To see your child grow into a person. To see that she had your looks, personality, and your mate's whole heart.

But illness doesn't discriminate. It takes and it takes. He continues to take until its victim has nothing left, and the General of the Night Court's army only had a tombstone, and the memories you both shared as illness managed to claim another innocent soul.

Cassian had no time to grieve as Aria needed him, needed him to live, to move forward, to get out of the bed. He had to live so that Aria had her best chance at life.

The sounds of familiar voices hit his ears as Nyx led him and Aria to the townhouse, a continual meeting place for Solstice. Rhys greeted them, and Aria was greedy to get out of her father's arms and embrace her uncle. "Can we decorate the tree?"

Rhys laughed and kissed her cheek, "Of course, Starlight. Go find Auntie FeyFey and Uncle Az." Aria was quick to grab Nyx's hand, leaving the two Illyrian males behind. Rhys' gaze met his, and talons scratched at Cassian's walls.

"I'm fine," Cassian grumbled.

"Well, over 500 years, and you are still a horrific liar." Rhys flicks some lint off his shirt and sits on the stoop. Cassian joined him his wings tucked in tight. "I know the holidays are hard."

Cassian shook his head, "Aria, started school. She's made friends and takes art classes. It's not fair, Rhys. Aria shouldn't have to learn about her through stories at night time. She should be here Rhys." Cassian tucked his face in his hand a sob racking out of his body. "I want her here."

Rhys held his friend tightly. As Cassian roared, "Oh God's I wish you were here!" The door creaked open, and tiny hands gripped onto Cassian's wrist. He uncovered his face to see Aria smiling. "I'm sorry, Sweetheart," he sniffled as he pulled his child to his chest, trying to compose himself from his outburst.

Aria kissed his cheek, "Look, Daddy. A gift for you. Uncle Azzy said you could open it early." An envelope with his name in her tiny hands with...your handwriting. He gently took it from the small child and opened it.

Hey Handsome,

If you're reading this, then it must be Solstice, and our little girl is not so little anymore. I need you to know that if you're reading this that I fought hard. I fought so that you would never had to open these. I think we both know the outcome. I know you are hurting. I know you are fighting to keep our girl safe and protected and loved. I will never be able to thank you enough for the bravery you had before, during, and after this hardship.

Know I'm there with you, every big milestone, every storytime, every boo boo you kiss for Aria. And I'll be there through the bad stuff too, I'm sure. I get to look down at you from the stars and make sure you're safe and protected, for once. I love you, Cassian. I promise that we will find each other in the next life and we will have more time. There are letters for both you and Aria for big milestones, Az was given strict instructions on when to deliver them for you. When the world seems like too much and the void is too great, maybe my words will help the two of you grow and move on in my absence.

All My Love,

Your Sweetheart.

"Daddy?" Aria looked at him with eyes that matched his own, "what did it say?" Cassian smiled aware that the two were now alone

Cassian held her close and looked up at the stars, illuminating the town. "Look up at the night sky, little one." She did, and as the two looked on, a star flashed across the star, and Cassian heard her little gasp. "That was Mommy. She was letting us know she was here."

Aria snuggled against her father's chest, "I miss her." She whispered.

"Me too, Princess, me too." And the duo looked up at the night sky and wished that their favorite person was looking back at them.

~Fin

[vhygoxo]

Twilight New Age

After inheriting her grandparents house in the Quileute reservation, La Push, Y/N moves to her home rez. Hoping to start a new life she is soon involved with what she thought were just old legends.

Paul Lahote x Reader

Romance | Fantasy | Drama | Angst | 18+

CHAPTER 2

<< CHP 1

Y/n gazed out of her kitchen window towards the tree line. Her mind else where as she continued to wipe the same dish over and over. Kim took notice as she raised an eyebrow at her cousin.

“Y/n? Are you alright?” She asked curious making y/n snap out of it. Turning her head to see the worry on Kim’s face she smiled. “Sorry I didn’t get enough sleep last night” she explained easing Kim’s mind.

Kim was spending the night. Both wanted to pull up to the bonfire together. But also get a private visit before anything. Although it was all Kim could focus on y/n‘s mind was scattered.

It had been a few days since she first started dreaming crazy. Ever since that first night and the dream of the girl, Renesmee, she's haunted her mind since.

In the dreams she’s always lost in the woods behind her house. Unsure of why she’s there or what she should do. Stuck in an ocean of darkness until she finds moonlight. The feeling switched between being hunted down or else she was searching for something.

Each time her mind tried to focus on avoiding Renesmee. As long as her legs didn’t give out. She would just run and run until it felt time slowed down.

“So how do you feel about tomorrow? Excited?” Kim questioned her. “Yeah I mean it sounds like fun” although she didn’t sound as enthusiastic as Kim wanted. She wasn’t lying about being excited for tomorrow. It’s just her mind was elsewhere.

“That’s believable” Kim said sarcastically making y/n scoff. “I am Kim really. I need a break from all this packing and unpacking” y/n said with a deep sigh. All she wanted was her dreams to calm down. Kim knew what would perk up her cousin.

“Put down the plate and let’s go sit on the porch” she said holding a joint in her hand. Agreeing instantly the two grabbed blankets and sat down on the bench outside. After a few puffs between them they sat in comfortable silence.

“So how does it feel living here? Must be weird with gramma and grampa out of the house” Kim said as she took the joint back. Y/n nodded her head as she exhaled. “I thought so too but now that my stuff is here… I don’t know it’s just different. I do miss him most days” she said staring out into the field.

The topic of her grandfather brought up her dream last night. Again she was lost being chased by something, and as she ran, her legs began to falter. She knew she couldn’t let herself stop. But she fell to her knees and hands almost instantly.

Again darkness and more darkness. Trees and more trees it never ended she thought. ‘Get up! Get up!’ She cried to herself but to no avail. Like a newborn foal who couldn’t find its footing.

Frustrated she tore at the ground beneath her. Ripping out every root and plant in her path. Clutching down on pine needles she winced in pain. Looking down at her hands upset at herself.

“Are you lost girl?” A voice beamed throughout the air. Searching around she knew who the voice belonged to, her grandfather Quil, he stood in the shadows to the left.

When she spotted him he laughed stepping out of the shadows. He looked like the old man that he was before he died. As he walked past a tree he appeared as his young former self. Shocking y/n as he smiled brightly once more.

Walking deeper in the woods he disappeared into the shadows. His laugh morphing into a howl echoing everywhere. Hearing not two feet leaving but four heavy paws trailing off.

“I desperately need a break from everything right now… I’m excited for tomorrow. Is there anything I should bring?” Y/n said as she took the joint. Passing it back to Kim she smiled “Well I mean you could bring more of this” Kim showed the joint making y/n laugh.

“But other than yourself? No you don’t need to bring anything. Everyone else has it covered” Y/n raised an eyebrow as she finally put the joint out. “Everyone else?” Y/n questioned as Kim realized y/n wasn’t used to her lifestyle.

“I just mean that Emily and Sam usually cover the food part. Sam is mean on the barbecue. Emily does the rest. The boys all pitch in for drinks if they don’t opt to just make jungle juice” Kim explained.

In high school Y/n used to go to bonfire parties in the summer with Quil and Kim. From what she remembers they were lots of fun. One could say maybe even too much fun.

“Yikes I don’t think I’ve had Jungle Juice since highschool” she cringed remembering some unsavoury moments. Kim laughed with her reminiscing. The two enjoyed the rest of the night together. Opting to do skincare masks and pedicures to pass time while visiting.

“Aw I should’ve gotten more earlier” Kim said as she showed her empty bag of w*ed. “Jared usually buys me some but he also smokes it up” she sighed annoyed before pulling out her phone. “There isn’t any dispensaries open this hour” y/n said while looking at the clock it read thirty minutes after six.

“Oh I know I’m texting Quil. He always has” she said with a smile. It didn’t take long for Quil to reply. Letting the girls know if they come over quick he could. He was going to be gone soon so if they didn’t stop by soon they’d miss out. Kim vowed she’d pay him back when she can head into town.

Up for a late night cruise the girls hopped into y/n’s car. Picking a song and turning up the music the two headed out. Luckily Quil’s place was close to y/n’s. As they pulled up they noticed a different car sitting in the driveway.

Kim recognized the car right away. “Who’s car?” Y/n asked Kim as they parked. “Oh that’s Embry’s” she answered as she unbuckled her seat belt before jumping out of the car. Signalling y/n to come with her she felt a bit nervous.

“Don’t worry he’s a good guy. Watch” Kim assured y/n as she knocked on the door. But as quick as her hand left the door Quil answered. “Hey guys” he greeted them as they walked in.

Unsure she gathered herself to enter the living room. There Embry sat at the table, he was tall but had a more slim build, dark skin and hair his eyes looked kind. Her nervousness washing away as their eyes met. Although he still had an underlying intensity to him.

“Embry this is my cousin y/n. She’s just moved here” Quil introduced the two as he rose from his chair. For a slim build under his flannel you could notice his muscles. He grinned at y/n showing off his fangs.

“Hey I’m Embry” he said as he stood beside Quil. “Hi” y/n said as she couldn’t help but blush. Which Quil took notice of as he glared at his brother. Who could only keep his toothy grin on his face while staring at y/n.

“Don’t mind this guy he’s not used to new people” Quil teased obviously annoyed as he ruffled Embry’s hair. Causing him to push off Quil, the two started to laugh, and get more rougher with one another. Startling y/n despite knowing the two were playing.

“Alright—Alright!” Kim said as she pushed past the two breaking them up. “You idiots better smarten up y/n isn't used to your rough housing” The two broke up and smiled before laughing some more. Embry looked down at y/n catching her off guard.

“I’m fine” Y/n said following behind her as the two girls made their way to the table. “I had to wrap it tinfoil I don’t have any plastic bags” Quil said pointing to where it was. Kim picked up the tinfoil making a face of disgust as she scoffed.

Quil shrugged his shoulders as Kim continued. “But this makes it look like I’m a crackhead. Who carries a ball of tinfoil?” Quil groaned as y/n laughed. “It doesn’t look that bad Kim” y/n tried to convince her.

“Hey beggars can’t be choosers” He said to her. It wasn’t long before her eyes lit up again. “Can I at least get a smoke off you ?” She asked and even though Quil looked annoyed. He still grabbed four smokes from his cigarette pack.

Kim thanked him and said she’d get him back. But y/n knew Quil wouldn’t want anything in return when she’d eventually return the favour. Embry on the other hand was eyeing y/n up and down. Kim noticed his eyes as if he was inspecting her.

Embry snapped out of his trance. Putting on a smile on his face trying to ignore Kim’s stare. “So y/n what do you think of the rez so far?” Embry piped up trying to change the subject, while also getting to know y/n, she intrigued him. Catching y/n’s attention as they locked eyes once more.

Quil once more quickly butt in. “She’s been coming here her whole life man. It’s not like it’d be a big change right sis” he stood glaring at Embry. Who took note of Quil’s defensiveness of his beloved cousin. Y/n hardly noticed the interaction but Kim had taken note.

“It’s been great y’know? I’m glad to be back here. Excited for the bonfire tomorrow” y/n replied as Embry had a look of excitement. “Hey I'm glad you’re gonna be there. Yeah it’ll be a good time. Lots of food and drink to go around” y/n nodded in response as he spoke.

Quil and Kim could see the connection between the two. For Quil it pissed him off to see Embry basically ogle y/n. Kim on the other hand was excited for the two and was already plotting for them to become a couple.

The two continued to make small talk. Talking about what each other does for a living, etc. Eventually the conversation turned back to the bonfire party. “Do you play any sports?” Embry asked her.

“Uh—“ she said trying to answer somehow without disappointing Embry. She figured sports would be a great excuse to get close to him. The thing was she utterly sucked hence she was an artist.

“Soccer? Football?—“

“Sorry I don’t play sports. Not since high school” she answered as Embry instead of being disappointed simply nodded his head. “Really? No sports at all? Do you even exercise or move around? Don’t wanna get a hunch back from sitting all the time— Ow!” Quil said as Kim slapped him on his arm.

“I go for runs, Pilates, if I really want to switch it up I’ll do yoga. But not sports sorry not sorry” y/n raised her hands up. Earning a chuckle from Embry and Kim.

“Well that’s fine you can sit and visit with me! I don’t play sports with the boys anymore either. I’ve learned my lesson from last time”

Kim replied as she sat staring into the floor. A moment of silence fell over the three as they remembered what happened. Y/n raised an eyebrow wondering if she should even ask.

“Anyway!— I’ll finally have someone to sit on the side lines with me. Leah always plays and Emily is usually off with Sam when she can” Kim gushed excitedly. “Okay okay let’s save it for tomorrow. Sko’ outside and we can share this before we have to leave. Sam’s expecting us” Quil said as he held a pre-rolled j*int.

The three stood outside Quil’s front deck to light it. The two girls only had a few puffs especially y/n since she had to drive. After a great but quick visit the girls headed out. Bidding goodnight the two went back to the house.

As she drove off she noticed how neither of the men got into their trucks. Instead they ran towards the back of Quil’s house oddly enough. Kim and her spent the rest of the night together eventually falling asleep.

Before going to bed she hoped she would be able to sleep. She was constantly tossing and turning each night. But like every night since she’s moved in her dream was intense.

Sucked right back to where she was last night, on her knees and hands buried into the dirt, unaware of her surroundings. The moon wasn’t as bright as it was the first dream. Instead there were levels to darkness she didn’t realize were possible.

She wondered if her grandfather were in these woods. Or maybe the mysterious girl Renesmee. She wasn’t sure why she was always stuck back to this part of the forest. At this point it was starting to frustrate her. It alarmed her how more lucid it was all becoming.

It always felt as if she was meant to search for something. Find something or maybe even someone. Struggling to figure out what to do she took a moment to think.

Before anything she could hear twigs and leaves crunching. Hearing the weight of something moving beyond what she could see. What truly awaited for her in the dark? Frozen in fear she didn’t even want to turn her head.

She could barely see a few feet in front of her. But as the clouds uncovered the moon it revealed many pairs of eyes. All glaring back at her with intent y/n couldn’t read. All she could do was freeze hoping they wouldn’t attack her.

In front of her eyes she could see the figure moving towards her. Witch each step she clenched in fear. Heart beat rising rapidly, this was a dream, would it even matter if she was attacked or not? For her it all felt way too real.

Out of the shadows was a wolf, which was abnormally huge, it's fur in different shades of grey. It stood still with its head lowered. Their grey eyes intensely focused on her own. And for the first time in a while she felt truly calm. Like she was looking at a part of herself.

All the wolves including the grey one whipped their heads to the right. Noticing something that she couldn’t. A few took off in that direction, the ground shook beneath their paws, showing y/n how heavy these beasts were.

In unison they all howled causing y/n to panic. The rest of the wolves ran past her swiftly. The grey wolf stood still turning back to her. She locked eyes with the grey beast once more, a brief moment of where she felt it understood her, before it took a step towards her.

She woke up gasping and in a cold sweat. Unsure of what it all meant and why these dreams kept happening to her. There was something bothering her but what was it?

The spirit of her grandfather and now wolves? She couldn’t help but question herself. All she could do is chalk it up to some crazy dreams. Although she hated to just ignore these issues her instincts told her she’d figure it all out soon.

Focusing on the rest of her day she went downstairs. Finding Kim scoping out the fridge. Bidding each other a quick good morning. “Do you have any coffee creamer? I can’t drink coffee without it” Kim asked.

“Ugh y’know what? I forgot to buy some last time I went. Should we just go to the lodge? I heard they have good iced coffee there” Y/n suggested making Kim perk up instantly. “Ou yes they do! I’m down” The two got ready and hopped into y/n’s car.

The lodge was a small diner on the reservation. Back in the day it served as a diner, you could find anything fried there, with a side of grease. But now it was reformed the menu having smoothies, teas, etc. Including a new cafe menu. Y/n hadn’t been there in ages.

The morning sky was beautiful as the sun still gave a warm tint. Orange, yellow, and blue hues filled the sky. There was still a bit of fog from the morning dew. It felt nice to drive around so early.

The two sat in comfortable silence for a bit. Taking a moment to look at their surroundings. While also waking up fully. Although it didn’t take long for Kim to break the silence.

“So~ Embry seemed to have an eye on you yesterday” Kim said as she looked up from her phone. Y/n’s face flushed pink as she smiled slyly. Before shaking her head in disbelief.

“No way you’re just saying that” she couldn’t help but gush at the thought. “I'm being serious! To me it looked like he liked what he was seeing” Kim although she was teasing she was truly being honest.

“Guess we’ll have to see at the bonfire tonight huh?” She said as y/n shrugged her shoulders. “Maybe” y/n said as she didn’t want to completely dismiss the notion of Embry liking her. She couldn’t deny he was handsome.

“You’ll be able to get to know him more after tonight. He’s always with Quil nowadays. This is coming from someone who’s lived here my whole life” Kim continued about how close Quil and Embry are.

As she drove she looked to the sides of the road. It felt like there was something in her peripheral line of sight. Moving along with her but every time she turned there was nothing. Hoping it wasn’t deer coming too close to the road.

“Look we barely met last night. He’s cute and all but I don’t think I have time for a boyfriend right now”

“Cmon y/n if anything you have all the time in the world right now! You’ve been crying around for a break well I think this is it. Wouldn’t hurt to have a boyfriend to have some fun with. Y’know? Stress relief?”

Kim said making y/n laugh but she knew she was being serious. “Is that what Jared is for? Stress relief?” Y/n teased as Kim immediately stopped talking and pouted.

“Hey me and his connection is more than just being sex fiends! We’ve been together for six—actually almost seven years now! We’re high school sweethearts—“

“Kim I just—“ Y/n tried to cut in and calm her down but Kim continued on. The shadow figure in the corner of her eyes flickered closer. Y/n’s attention started to focus purely on the road. She sat in a cold sweat gripping the steering wheel.

“I think our connection is something to be admired. Honestly! What me and him have is rare no one can tell us otherwise! I’m just trying to help you dear cousin find something close to what I have! And I strongly feel Embry might just be the one—“

With a sharp gasp y/n swerved off the road to avoid Renesmee. Who stood suddenly in the centre of the road. Kim whose head was turned looking at y/n missed the sight. The car swerved and turned as y/n pulled onto the side.

Y/n slammed the brakes and parked. “What the hell?!” Kim cried out as she sat in her seat shocked. Thankfully both were wearing their seatbelts she thought. Luckily they didn’t hit anything either or else it would’ve been worse.

“Did you not see that girl? Holy shit!” Y/n said as she panted heavily shaking in fear. Her hands sweaty, realizing how tight her grip was, she let go and rubbed her hands. “What girl?! There’s no girl?!” Kim said while scanning the area. There was no sign of the girl anywhere.

The two felt the after math of the whiplash of turning abruptly. Kim rubbed her neck sorely as she frowned. Y/n was still shaking from her shot nerves. She closed her eyes and shook her head thinking of what she just seen.

“I don’t know what the hell just happened. I swear there was a girl right in the middle of the road! She was just looking dead straight at the car. I thought she was going to jump! How could you not have seen her?”

“I don’t know! I was just—Well I don’t think we hit her… Did we?”

Kim questioned as the two looked at one another. Both went out and looked around. There was no sign of the girl anywhere including the car. With nothing on the grill Kim felt something was off. As the two got back into the car she questioned her.

“Did you see what the girl looked like?”

Y/n hesitated saying Renesmee’s name. How could she explain to Kim, “oh yes the girl Jacob was with”, without sounding crazy? “Tall, thin, and pale with brown wavy hair” y/n tried to be as vague as possible.

For Kim her mind started to turn. Y/n on the other hand was surprised Kim believed her. After a few seconds it clicked for Kim. There was no way it wasn’t Renesmee, after her and Jacob’s big arrival, there was only one vampire in town.

It wouldn’t be long before her family would follow. Kim knew she needed to alert Jared right away. Y/n noticed Kim’s behaviour change from surprised to serious. Kim turned to face her calmly, which in a strange way, comforted y/n immensely.

“Let’s just say it was a deer. Okay? I’m sure it was with how much wild life there is here… in the meantime we should get going… I needed my coffee like yesterday” Kim said finishing off with an encouraging smile.

Y/n who was still shaken up struggled to put her seat belt back on. But agreed with her nonetheless. She wanted to get away from this road at this point.

“Do you want me to drive?”

“No I’ll be okay. Just a bit shaken up but breakfast will cheer me up”

As the two gathered them selves for breakfast. Y/n pulled out and continued down the road. Although Kim felt her cousin was handling herself. In y/n’s mind all that she could think of was the cold eyes of Renesmee.

Kim struggled to think of why Renesmee would do this. She had hardly knew the girl. But she did know she was a vampire, that’s all she needed to know, all she could think was that she was hunting. Hoping she was a vegetarian like her family.

The thought of y/n somehow being on the menu for Renesmee terrified her. She knew she needed to keep y/n close to her side. At all costs even if y/n somehow got tired of her she decided.

Arriving at the diner it was a comfort for y/n. The building held a lot of close memories for her. It was also nice to just sit down and relax. Kim knew she needed to call Jared sooner than later.

“So I was thinking about tonight, and I wanted us to have a bit of fun before we leave, how about I get Jared to drive us? He can be our DD and you don’t have to worry about driving?” Kim was sincere on this offer. Jared wouldn’t mind knowing him Kim thought.

“You sure? I mean it’s no issue…Did I scare you that much earlier? I’m sorry I just swear I seen that girl. She was so close to hitting the car I panicked—“

“No no you’re good there I believe you! I still trust you and your driving skills. But like I said I wanted us two to pregame at least. Can’t pregame and drive at the same time”

Y/n thought of it as Kim was already texting Jared. “Y’know what? Sure why not” y/n agreed as she smiled while Kim got up from her chair. “I’m gonna call and ask him now. The sooner the better with that guy” she joked while heading outside.

“I’ll be back in time to order” she said to y/n before Jared picked up. Kim quickly told him the situation, about how they seen Renesmee, although he didn’t show it Jared was stunned. Kim knew it as soon as he became serious.

“I’m going to be honest with you Quil told us about her already. But I’ll look into where Renesmee was this morning. I’ll be by to pick you guys up around six” he promised explaining where he was currently.

Y/n sat inside deciding what she wanted to order. With their coffee already served she enjoyed the hot cup. Although it was already a chaotic morning she didn’t want to let it ruin the day. She had a lot to look forward to.

Kim made her way inside eventually. The two ordered and enjoyed their breakfast. Sitting in a booth by the window y/n enjoyed the view. All until two figures came out of the distant fog. A woman and man both tall, broad, and skinny.

She looked curious at the two as they came out of the tree line. Walking on the road towards the diner, it was obvious the woman was getting after the man, who looked younger the more close he got. The two walking in a fast stride together as she roughed up the young guy.

The woman had short black hair and a beauty she’d never seen before. Wearing a black leather jacket and ripped jeans her figure looked flawless. Even under such baggy clothes her slim body looked like a models.

The young guy didn’t look a day over eighteen. With tan features as warm as his smile. He wore only a cut off sweat shirt and denim shorts. Despite it being the beginning of the year. It was hardly spring with how cold it still was.

It was funny watching the two obviously bicker and fight. But also it was so early where were they walking from y/n thought? The two wore regular sneakers so it wasn’t like they were hiking. She couldn’t help but be curious over the two.

Kim noticed the strange look on y/n’s face. Looking back she seen Leah and Seth Clearwater walking in. In her heart she knew why the two were truly there. “Hey guys” she greeted the two siblings as they came to the table.

“Good morning” Seth said as he wore a joyful expression. Y/n felt stunned by the two especially the woman. Who wore a stoic expression as she nodded to Kim. “Who’s this?” Leah asked while looking at y/n.

“Remember that cousin I was talking about? Well guys this is her, her names y/n, she just moved back. Y/n this is Leah and her little brother Seth” Kim smiled as the two eyed her down. Seth’s eyes were kinder Leah’s was defensive and curious.

“Hi” y/n said nervously as Seth grinned. “Hi I��m Seth! Good to see a new pretty face around here—“ he said before Leah nudged him with her elbow harshly. Making him cough as Leah finally smiled at her.

“Yeah It was nice meeting you y/n. Kim we’re just gonna pick up our food and head out. Do you…?” Leah trailed on hoping Kim would take notice. Subtly hinting around if she needed any help. Kim knew Jared must’ve sent her to check on them.

“No I’m good. We’ll see you later” Kim said trying to dismiss them before y/n noticed anything. “Hope to see you at the party later y/n!” Seth tried to get out before Leah pushed him around.

“Hey yeah I hope to see you there y/n. It’ll be good to have another girl to visit. I wish we could stay and chat now but we’re on a tight schedule” Leah smiled making y/n feel more comfortable. Smiling in return she made Leah’s heart skip a beat. “Haha yes I’ve heard that before. We’ll see you guys there” y/n joked as Leah was instead being pushed out by Seth.

“Let’s go before Sam notices we left” Seth ushered Leah as the two grabbed their bags. Sneaking a quick breakfast sandwich on their patrol shift. The two bid goodbye before walking back the same way.

“Where are they even going? They legit just came out of the woods” y/n questioned as Kim’s eyes widened. She didn’t think she would notice them. “Uhh well they like walking—“ Kim choked a bit on her food “They live close near here. Y’know it’s not that weird most people from the rez walk everywhere” she tried to explain.

Y/n shrugged it off as the two paid for their meals. Kim loves her dear cousin, it was horrible she had to hide who she was, and what type of life she truly led. She wondered how long before the veil comes off.

The house was filled with music as y/n’s speaker played loudly. Luckily her closest neighbour was all at least 1-2 kilometres away. The two sat up in y/n’s room as she scanned through her closet.

“I feel like I need new clothes. I mean what can I wear? It’s so cold out you can’t really dress cute” y/n complained as she continued skimming through her closet. Kim sat on the edge of the bed filing her nails. She sighed and put down the file.

“True but I’m sure I can figure something out if you want me to look”

“It’s okay I think I got an outfit lined up. What are you going to wear?” She asked Kim as she perked up from her seat. “I have this really cute jacket I wanna wear. Some jeans and maybe a pair of boots” Kim continued. Eventually fading to background noise for y/n as she sighed.

In y/n’s mind the flashes of Renesmee’s eyes kept haunting her. How she appeared in her dream. All morning she had been trying to shake off the stressful feeling. It must’ve showed on her face since Kim looked worried to her.

“Don’t worry from what I’ve seen in your closet you’ll be fine. Actually I know you’ll be looking *fine”* Kim assured y/n as she grabbed her hips. Y/n giggled but then turned back to being serious.

“It’s not the outfit I’m worried about… it’s just this morning…” Y/n felt as if her mind was cloudy. All attempts of moving and brushing it off seemed futile. Kims eyes widened as soon as she mentioned Renesmee.

“That girl? Y/n—“

“Look I don’t expect you to fully believe me. I know how I sound…But it’s just I feel like everything is catching up to me”

“Everything?” Kim questioned as she looked upon her cousins weary face. She slowly approached her as y/n looked up. “I’ve been dreaming crazy lately. I don’t know how to explain it. But I’m having a hard time trying to explain and understand it all myself” y/n sighed this time more solemnly.

“Look I get it… Things have been crazy for you lately what with grandpas death, Inheriting this house to yourself, living in a new place. But I think you just need to take a moment. Gather yourself and let’s have a good time together. Right? When was the last time you and I had fun together besides last night? Tonight is just one night you can forget all your other worries”

Kim encouraged y/n which did help her a lot. Y/n looked up at herself in the mirror with Kim behind her. Who smiled as she hugged her from the back. Y/n held onto her arms as the two looked at one another in the mirror.

“You’re right… Everything in my life has been so serious lately. It’ll be a fun night tonight” y/n said honestly as Kim grinned brightly. “See? That’s the spirit! It’ll be great, I’ll introduce you to everyone, we’ll have a lot of laughs” Kim stepped away to grab one of y/n’s jackets off the rack.

“And I think you’ll look hot in this” she said making y/n laugh. “Well we should get ready soon right? Isn’t Jared coming by soon?” y/n said making Kim realize the time. She nodded as she pulled out her phone. Seeing her missed notifications from Jared.

“Very true. I gotta answer him actually he’s tried calling me once already” Y/n nodded as Kim left the room heading downstairs. Stepping out onto the porch Kim made sure y/n couldn’t hear. Once she knew y/n wasn’t in earshot she got her phone. After the first ring Jared had answered Kim.

“Hey”

“Hey there handsome. So what did you find?” Kim asked as she leaned against the porch railing. Jared sighed as he slammed the truck door. Tired as he walked inside Sam’s house.

“So we know Jacob and Renesmee are back in town. Sam’s all uptight because we know the Cullens aren’t far behind. I just got back from seeing Jacob actually” Kim cut in almost immediately. “What did he say?” She asked eagerly waiting for him to answer.

“—Well all I know is Renesmee has been with him this whole time. She hasn’t left his sight since they got here”

“What?” Kim asked confused, she thought y/n had seen her today, who else could move that fast? “Yeah Jacob swears she’s been home. I did my part and got the info out of him. Now you gotta explain why. Are you in trouble? Don’t tell me something happened with a vampire—”

Jared asked worried sick, because why would his beloved ask about a vampire, when he knew she could care less about them? Kim shushed him over the phone as she stepped further from the house.

“—Look we’re both fine! I can’t really explain at the moment. Maybe later when the timing is better. But for now thank you for the intel. And again we’re both fine! Perfectly fine! I’m busy with my cousin y/n right now remember? We’re tryna get ready for the party. On that note are you gonna—“

“Yes I’ll be coming by in a bit here to pick up the both of you. Let’s say in an hour? I still gotta do a patrol check before the other guys swap in” Jared answered before she could even finish. The two operated on the same wave length since forever.

For Kim it was always a lovely feeling when they were in sync. She smiled ear to ear as she thanked him. Before promising something special for him later tonight. Which made Jared smile the same way.

“But you’re sure you and y/n are okay? I can come by now—“

“Thank you! Love you I’ll see you in a bit” Kim said blowing a few kisses before hanging up. Jared sighed as he put his phone away. Kim decided to brush off the whole Renesmee ordeal. Because really it could’ve been anyone in front of the car. All that mattered to Kim was no one was hurt or killed.

On the other hand she was worried for her cousin. Kim knew she wasn’t crazy but something in her gut told her, y/n was going through something, Kim trusted she’d get to the bottom of it. Opting to watch over y/n closely from now on.

Jared arrived when he said he would. His pickup truck roaring loud announcing his arrival. Hopping in the truck y/n prepared herself for the whole ordeal. Wondering who else she’ll meet tonight.

The sky was filled with baby blues, soft orange hues, and pink highlights. As the sun was getting close to sunset it was already so colourful outside. The three chatting as Jared drove music blasting.

Pulling up she could see a group of people running around the beach. They were dressed as if it was summer. Shorts and hoodies some even wore cutoff shirts. Kicking around a soccer ball playing a game.

The three got out of the truck as Kim linked arms with y/n. Making her feel even more comfortable. At the main fire there were logs people were sitting on. One woman and one man sat together, rising up once they approached, the rest stopped playing and made their way to the fire.

“Hey guys” Kim said as the two people made their way to greet them. The woman had a scar right across her face but it didn’t affect her beauty. With dark soft straight hair, beautiful cheekbones, she was tall around 5’7. Y/n felt her self taken away by her beauty but was quickly overtaken by the man who was at her side.

The man was huge, at least 6’5-6’6 he stood with broad shoulders, looking fierce which made y/n feel intimidated. Black hair with eyes that matched he held the scarred woman close to her side. Giving off a very intense feeling to y/n.

“Hey glad you guys made it” the woman said as the two smiled. “Guys this is my cousin I’ve been talking about. Say hi~” Kim said as the rest of the group arrived. Rushing in as a huge pack they surrounded the three.

“Hey I’m y/n” she said as the group roared in excitement. From the group she could recognize was Quil, Leah, and Seth. No sign of Embry but a whole pack of rowdy boys eager to meet y/n. Before being able to mutter another word the boys spoke over each other.

“So you’re the new girl?—“

“Finally a new face pretty one at that—“

“New girl? I thought she was Kim’s cousin—“

“Do you play soccer?—“

The man with the scarred woman gave a glare to the group. Before anything they all straightened themselves out. As he turned back he gave a kind smile, so did the woman, as they reached out to give a handshake.

“Don’t mind these boys they’re just excited. I’m Emily and this is my Fiancée Sam” she said as the two shook y/n’s hand. “We’re glad you made it. Kim and Quil spoke great things about you” Sam replied. Both gave off a warm welcome making y/n feel more at ease.

“Thanks for the invite” y/n gave a small smile as the crowd was stifling excitement. “No problem. We’re happy to have new people around. Hope you’re thirsty and hungry there’s plenty to go around” Emily waved her hands to the area.

Before she could take another step Seth rushed forward. Blocking the way as he smiled brightly. The crowd of boys circled around him as an even bigger blockade. Kim and Leah expressed their annoyance with a loud “ugh” as Kim crossed her arms.

“So y/n these are my bros lemme show you. We got Brady, Thomas, and Damien here” Seth introduced the boys. All whose face showed their youth but their bodies showed otherwise. With stern expressions and tight lips they scanned y/n.

The three boys outside of Seth looked around his age. All had dark thick hair, with lean tall figures, and tan skin. Shuffling up to the front were the younger boys. Faces whose expressions were a mix of either excited or nervous.

“This is Colin, Don, and Lil’ Ricky” Seth said as he ruffled up “Lil’ Ricky’s” hair messily. “My names Rick you’re the only one who calls me Lil’ Rick” he argued under Seth’s rough housing. “Ricky Rick!” Colin chimed in as he joined Seth. Eventually the boys continued to all rough house on one another.

“Uh— Great meeting you guys” Y/n said nervously as she watched the chaos ensue. They didn’t look too different from one another, with boyish youth they were still small, lanky with lean bodies. Although they were quite tall for their ages they were still shorter than the rest of the guys present.

“Jesus Christ—“

“For fucks sake—“

Quil and Jared exclaimed as they cut them off quickly. Quil shoved himself into the middle of the blockade. “Alright that’s enough! You guys have to settle” he said before Leah joined in. “Yeah Seth chill out! Go play with these stink boys” she said as her and Jared grabbed them by the collars.

“You guys don’t even play right just straight dirty. My sis here doesn’t need you guys being rough with her“ Quil barked as the boys just bashfully laughed. “That’s this guy sending dirty kick shots” Thomas said to Don who began to argue once more.

Leah expressed her frustration by sighing, giving a glare to Seth, he took the hint. Shoving the rest of them in the direction of the play area. They just shrugged their shoulders and dusted them selves off. Still giggling and laughing as they went to continue the game.

“Sorry about that they’re usually not that… Well they don’t usually act like this” Sam said trying to excuse their behaviour. “It’s no issue. A little too much excitement maybe?” Y/n joked making the rest of the group laugh. “I mean I’m not much a soccer player anyways” she shrugged her shoulders.

“Great! You can sit with me and tell me all about yourself” Emily said as she ushered in y/n to the campfire. Settling into the campsite they all began to visit. Asking y/n where she’s from and what she likes.

“So you’re an artist? Professionally?” Emily asked surprised. “Yes it’s what I’ve been doing since I’ve been young, maybe 17-18, around there. I work and have trained to use most mediums”

Y/n continued since everyone seemed interested. Emily especially as she piped up in excitement. Which was a change from her usual nonchalant expression everyone else was used to

“That’s awesome. I’m an artist too” Emily said with a faint blush on her face. As Sam smiled with pride as he leaned on her. “Really?” Y/n asked glad to find a friend with similar interests. “Oh yes she’s one of La Push’s greatest artists” He proudly proclaimed.

“What type of art do you make?” She asked Emily earnestly. “I’m a weaver, I’m also a teacher, I teach kids weaving at the school here in La Push” Emily continued as Y/n was eager to hear more.

The two clicked together quite easily, finding a lot of each other in one another, in such a small amount of time. The rest of the group which was Sam, Jared, Kim, Leah, and Quil visiting one another. While the rest of the boys continued to play.

Eventually the group grew into a comfortable formality. The time passed like no other as the sun started to set among the horizon. The boys could no longer play without seeing. So they joined the others at the bonfire.

At this point all were fighting for the chance to talk to y/n. Kim and Quil had to remind everyone to settle every now and then. Since y/n sat being bombarded by questions. In all honesty y/n didn’t mind much, it was fun being around so much excitement, she appreciated how friendly and close everyone was.

“I heard you girls had quite the wild morning” Jared chimed in as everyone seemed to already know what happened. Given their reaction y/n could only nod in agreement. “Oh really?” Emily asked curiously as Kim gave a wild look to Jared.

Flashbacks of Renesmee’s eyes flooded y/n’s brain. So much for trying to rid herself of her worries y/n thought. Her anxiety about it all started to rise again. She wondered how much Kim revealed to everyone.

“Yeah it was crazy almost hitting that deer right y/n?” Kim said giving y/n the look of ‘just agree’. Y/n nervously laughed as she once again nodded. “It really was crazy I mean I’m glad no one was hurt” she said which was true for y/n anyways.

The group erupted once more with a hundred more questions. Intrigued by the idea of her and Kim “drifting” around early this morning. Kim and y/n stared at each other as Kim gave an apologetic look. A “Sorry I tell my boyfriend everything” type of look y/n would soon become familiar with.

“It all happened so fast I’m surprised y/n was able to stop safely” Kim continued as everyone looked at the two. “I’m sure you’re shaken up by that. I totally would be if I were you” Emily added as Sam pulled her closer.

Y/n hesitated to answer, trying to ease hee never slightly before she did, giving a reassuring smile to the group. “I mean I feel okay right now. I’d be way different if I actually hit the poor animal” she said causing Leah and Seth to laugh at the poor animal comment.

“Yep but they’re pretty shaken up I had to pick up these poor girls. Save them from driving and hitting another sucker” Jared cockily teased. Kim gutted him with her elbow making the group erupt in laughter.

“Oh please that was you crying to pick us up! Besides you’re just the DD tonight! Me and y/n are gonna have some fun and be drunk as fuck while we do it right y/n?”

“Wha?—Uh? I mean yeah—“ y/n said surprised before Leah cut her off “To getting drunk as fuck!” She yelled. Getting everyone hype even the young boys who couldn’t even drink yet. Emily and Sam gave each other a look before the two laughed shaking their heads.

Sam and Emily started to offer the group alcohol. Which had been sitting in the coolers on ice while they ate and visited. Different beers and coolers sat on the ice. Although y/n was wanting one she hesitated.

Seeing that some of the boys present weren't of age. She was nervous if the group would allow them to drink or not. Seeing the reaction Quil responded. “Don’t worry these boys are gonna go home soon. Just waiting for the rest to come before they take their rides home” as Quil finished one of them reached for a beer.

Before anything it was smacked out of their hand from Sam. “Smarten up these aren’t for you. I put Pepsi and other drinks in the other cooler” he sternly said as the boys pouted. Reaching into the cooler full of soda instead.

“Do you even drink y/n? Or are you just trying to be shy” Leah asked already sitting with an open beer. As if it were a challenge Leah stared down at her. Y/n laughed as she shook her head. “God no” she reached for a cooler making Leah give an approving smile.

In all honesty y/n had started to get that alert feeling again. She felt comfortable with the group. But she knew that wasn’t the cause of it. It was something else she couldn’t control.

Totally outside of her dreams, Renesmee, the nervousness of meeting new people, it was a different feeling entirely. At least this alcohol would help ease the weird feeling rising in her body.

As she cracked into it, the group of boys stood up suddenly, y/n didn’t notice until she looked up. Before she knew it there was a group of four men coming at them. Running across the beach from the tree line.

Y/n thought it was strange considering how late the hour it was. She felt the back of her neck tingle, the hairs on her body standing up all over, although she had yet to take even a sip.

The boys rushed out to greet the four men. But at closer look it was two young boys, Embry who finally showed up, and some other guy who she couldn’t see fully. Blocked by the crowd of rowdy boys in from of them.

The two older ones, the stranger and Embry, were talking with the boys. A gruff unfamiliar voice that scolded them about “getting their asses straight to their home base”. As Embry roughed housed one of the young boys.

To y/n the voice reminded her of an almost military command. ‘Good luck trying to get these boys to listen’ she thought as she took a sip of her drink. But to her surprise they all did as they all argued on who would drive.

Heading up to the trucks in a frenzy she watched in awe. Amongst them she could see the stranger but not clearly. As him and Embry made their way to the fire, their younger brothers rushing around them, the closer they came the more her heart paced.

“Don’t worry those are my brothers” Sam assured y/n sensing the uneasiness coming from her. She nodded as she awaited for Embry to at least join the group. One of the biggest reasons she wanted to come was to talk to Embry.

The rest of the group stood up to greet the four men as they approached. “They all may look big and scary but they don’t bite. Trust me” Emily said as a way of comforting y/n. She smiled to assure Emily but struggled to shake off the weird feeling she had.

As she stood up her line of sight met with him, breath taken away as he stared into her and her whole being, with intense black eyes and a wild look. Y/n stood frozen in place as soon as they saw one another.

She felt like a deer in front of headlights. But unlike the deer afraid of the headlights, and what they stood for, she welcomed it. For it was a feeling like no other. Wanting to bask in the light forever.

Time seemed to stop as she and this man looked at one another. Nothing else around mattered, it all drowned and faded out slowly, as she watched the man’s breath steadily become stronger like a pant.

Taking in his features he stood tall with strong broad shoulders. Tan brown skin with black coarse short hair. Full eyebrows that furrowed as he scanned her as well. He had rugged but handsome features. All which made y/n’s heart skip a full beat.

She had never felt such a strong intensity, such a strong need and desire, for a man like she did now. It was as if her feet and everything else were pulling herself to him. It was there and then she realized why she had been feeling this way for so long. Or at least her instincts told her so. He took a step towards her, lifting his hand slightly, everything in her seized ready for what was to come.

But upon seeing the man snap his head away, stepping backwards, his brothers tried to urge him to settle. She felt a tinge of pain and something that felt like rejection rush through her. As the men around him tried to make him stay.

Time and reality came crashing down onto y/n. Sucking the air back into her lungs she could hear noise coming back to her. As Emily and Kim rushed to her side, not realizing she was staggering backwards as well, Kim latched y/n’s arm under her own.

“Y/n! Jesus are you okay? You’re basically stepping into the fire. And you almost dropped your cooler” Kim asked as y/n tried to understand what just happened. Hearing the yells of Quil and his brothers calling out for the man. She looked up trying to find him among the group of men.

“I’m gonna take these boys home. I’ll be right back” he answered as he walked up to the boys trucks. “Paul!” They continued to cry out loudly as he gave one last look to y/n. Stopping for a moment just to look at her.

She somehow wanted to stop him. Maybe if she cried out like his brothers he’d stop she thought. Before he shook his head in disbelief before running. Y/n began to feel a deep ache in her chest as she sat back down. Reminded of how much a stranger she truly is to them all.

Emily and Kim attempted to comfort y/n as she watched him pull away. As if they knew what she was feeling exactly. Taking the group of boys home in a hurry, spitting rocks as he pulled out, the guys left behind groaned.

“And that was my brother Paul” Sam said defeated by his behaviour. Giving a big sigh as he ran a hand through his hair. “He’ll be back” he added as y/n stared off into the distance. Trying to cope with what she all just experienced.

Y/n realized how crazy she seemed right now. Shaking her head in disbelief she couldn’t believe herself! Since when did she ever want to run into a man’s arms? A stranger at that. It was totally unlike herself.

Embry came and sat by her at some point. But she was too distracted to give him her full attention. She wasn’t sure what to do with herself. Left in a state of confusion. Instead she remembered Leah’s words from earlier. Continuing to finish the rest of her cooler drink.

Reminiscing the wild look in Paul's eyes her heart paced loudly. She hated herself at how much she craved to know him. Was that all it’d take for her to be impressed? She refused trying to keep herself in check.

All she could do was build up courage for when he returned. What face should she make? Should she even introduce herself? Why was she thinking about it all so hard? Most of all did he experience what she felt as well?

End of chapter 2, we finally get to meet Paul, although I’m sure not much expected this reaction. I took some extra time in between editing with adding more characters to the wolf pack. Since we’re told in both the book and movie there’s around seven more members. But the only names we know is Colin Littlesea and Brady Fuller. More to come in the future with both the wolves and vampires. Don’t be shy to leave a comment in the meantime 🫶😌

[aisha2o]

Save our life,please!! 🙏🏻🍉

Hello, I am Aisha from Gaza

I live in war, fear and destruction. We have been living in it for almost a year and we do not know how long it has been. We have been displaced from our home more than 15 times.

every time I was displaced to another place I prayed that this would be the last, but then came the idea of ​​​​forced exit to search for safety where there is no safety, we got very tired and our bodies were exhausted, we no longer had the energy to continue, we lived hunger, thirst, cold and all the difficult conditions that humans cannot imagine,

we did not imagine that a day would come when we would live all of this, I lost my family and my childhood home, even my friends are no longer there, I was left alone!! I am looking for salvation from death, I fear death and I dread it, the idea is terrifying to leave your dreams, ambitions and the life you planned for and go from this world, we do not deny death but we do not want to live it now,

we did not imagine that a day would come when we would live all of this, I lost my family and my childhood home, even my friends are no longer there, I was left alone!! I am looking for salvation from death, I fear death and I dread it, the idea is terrifying to leave your dreams, ambitions and the life you planned for and go from this world, we do not deny death but we do not want to live it now,

I had a beautiful life, suddenly I don't know how I lost my life, we live in a tent that can only accommodate two people, made of nylon that no human being can stand, just standing in it for more than two minutes during the day is enough to melt you, in addition to the insects, diseases and lack of privacy, imagine all this!! Can you live??

In addition, my mother has a liver disease (many blood cysts on the liver) and she had an operation in 2021 to remove 70% of her liver and it was of no use and now my mother's health condition is getting very bad because she needs another operation, and I am the only one who takes care of them, I am really afraid of loss and I do not want to lose her, I have lost a large part of my family, my home and my entire previous life.

Things here are more difficult than you imagined, reality is painful

Please help me save my life and get out of here, and save my mother because her condition is getting very bad

Your donation will save our lives, it's the only way, hand in hand we can achieve the goal please

[twopoppies]

May I share some grieving thoughts from someone who has walked this road too many times for folks who may not have been through this before?

It is okay to feel how you feel, and there is no rhyme or reason to it. Your feelings are valid for you, and may not match what others are going through at the same time or at all, and it is okay. The only way out is through. Sometimes all you can do is the next right thing. And that is enough.

It is okay to box those feelings up for short periods of relief: just don’t leave them shoved away permanently. The only way out is through. But taking a time out is okay.

The loss and pain of the moment does not taint the past, in the long term. It may feel like it, but time and perspective will remind you what a gift the journey before was. That joy, love, growth while the person was alive is still valid and important and shaped who you are today. It is okay to celebrate that. It is okay if it is bittersweet. We honor the person by keeping that journey intact. They impacted us, and that is an important thing to honor in their story. Watch the videos. Replay the conversations. Celebrate what was. Don’t give death the power to ruin their positive impact on you.

Just like their absence hurts you, if you fall into being absent in your life because of the pain, you are causing your loved ones that same pain. Choose to honor the deceased’s life by loving yours fully, by being that light you are missing for the people in your life like the deceased was for you. I try to be thankful for the things I get to experience, even without them, because I am going to experience the hell out of them and then someday tell him about all the stuff he missed out on. Even though I believe he is here and sees.

Don’t perpetuate the pain, or initiate a legacy of withdrawal. Pick an honoring activity - for me it is tipping outrageously in their memory and finding joy in the joy they would have found in it. Make it something they championed, or took quiet pleasure in. Keep it to yourself, something between you and their memory. Walk a shelter dog and chat with your person, hide hug rocks, donate read books to the library, serve in a food center. Whatever makes you recall the bond you felt. And love people, for you and for them. The best legacy is one of love and joy, not sorrow and hurt.

Of course, it will be up and down. It strive for the up. Time does heal, and it DOES get better. Don’t let the negative win. Don’t let rot taint their life. OneDirection will never be the same. But it still meant a lot, and that should be honored. It can still mean a lot going forward, and that is honoring.

It has been 5 years since my last big loss. It catches me by surprise sometimes still. But their story is done, and mine goes on: I still reach for the joy I had in getting to be a part of their story. I refuse to lose that too. Because people are involved in my story now. I am still a part of theirs. And I don’t want them to have this hurt of me dropping out of my story: And I let him live on in my adventures, my good work with disadvantaged people, and my love for the people and world I am in. That is the only thing I can still give them, and with time, I am able to do that more and more.

It hurts. It hurts so much. It feels like I can’t breathe, like it overwhelms everything I do, and like I just want to hug his momma so much it causes me physical pain. But each day, it will get a little better. It will blindside you, may catch you by surprise, and that is okay. Because estoy know it won’t be like this forever.

Anyway. I thought grief was a straight line process, and if I power through the stages, it would be done with. That I was betraying their memories by laughing, finding joy, continuing my story. I hope this helps anyone feeling unsure or overwhelmed or lost or guilty.

Thank you for all of this, darling. I'm so sorry you have so much experience with grieving. But your insight is so helpful. ❤️

[lousylambsblog]

watch me yap about my ocs ( my friend proofread this thankksss )

tw: death, blood and child neglect

Neyora was born out of a fling between her payan mother and talpian father. Her father was absent for all her life and her mother was emotionally unavailable. She was raised by her payan mother who was ashamed of Neyora’s heritage, she refused to call Neyora her daughter, she had seen her as a disappointment the moment she bore her. Her mother had isolated Neyora from other children, she was kept under strict rules that she wasn’t allowed to go outside, unless she wanted society to see how hideous she was. 

Her childhood left her bitter, growing deep resentment toward her mother. At a young age, she began practicing magic, unbeknownst to her mother. Neyora dedicated her whole life to magic, to prove that she was something more than an inept half-breed. Her talpian genetics are more dominant than her payan blood, missing the third eye and the ability to foresee the future, but she did inherit the magical potential of Payans. After years of honing her magical skills and becoming quite the powerful sorceress, she had grown to become more confident in showing her abilities to her mother. All she wanted was the approval of the only person she had, she wanted to make her proud despite her hate,,,, but all she was met with the all-to-familiar look of disgust plastered onto her face. 

She belittled Neyora throughout her entire life, but this was the final breaking point. She had thrown away her own childhood, spent sleepless nights perfecting herself,,, just to be met with the same degrading words. Neyora snapped at the woman who bore her, a fervid hate running through her blood as she strangled her mother to death. She watched as the life in her mother’s eyes slowly disappeared, but she felt no sympathy, blinded by her own emotional rage. She only tightened her grip the more strangulated noises her mother pathetically spat out. Her grip slacked when her mother ceased her feeble fighting. Once she realized what she had just done, Neyora felt a pang of terror shoot through her as she saw her mother’s lifeless body on the floor, leaving her trembling with dread. She had fled her home in a panic, the Payan Chiefdom, Neyora was afraid that they would discover what she had done to her mother, that she had killed her.

On the mainland of Stolla, Neyora continued to live alone,,, isolating herself from the outside world, fearful that people would recognize her and know of her crimes. She continues to practice magic up until the fault, where she is forced to flee from her hiding place. Neyora deals well with the mimes at first, but they pursue her with a bloodthirst as the fault drags on. After a week of being relentlessly hunted with no opportunity to replenish her energy, she succumbs to magical overload. Neyora is proficient at magic, but her talpian side slows down her ability to prolong and stabilize her magic for a period of time. She can cast powerful spells, but it can make her incredibly burnt out. 

( Magic overload happens due to the body acting as a sort of resistor when trying to manipulate energy. The more energy is channeled and manipulated, the more residual energy remains in the caster’s body. This can have a number of effects: Diminishing the effectiveness of one’s spells, requiring more focus in order to properly control the energy, other effects being added to their spells or happening at random, and increase in the body’s temperature. * p.s i know this isn’t canon but im so interested in this concept* also credits to BelicCat from 5yrs ago on reddit,,,,,, love you bro, wherever you are,,, )

Unfortunately, she was caught off guard during a supply run in a ghostly town,,, a gash to her stomach. Neyora suffered a slow and excruciatingly painful death, she could’ve used her healing magic to mend her wounds but she had fallen unconscious due to the stinging pain. She met a pathetic death for someone who held so much power, she was never able to see that she was more than a hideous half-breed. She died believing that she was a disappointment. 

[voiceshearingyouloud]

Me when my life is trauma and mental illness all the way down but I am determined to make something good of it in the end

[definitelynotshouting]

Can I ask, since you mentioned agreeing 'even if under duress' - how did the Watchers convince Player Grian to join them in hunger au?

So take this with the specific grain of salt that ive never watched Evo directly (but have friends who have ((thank you wren)), so i know tidbits via osmosis from them), but my thought has always been that the riddles the Watchers gave the Evo Players were all tests used to measure cleverness and intelligence-- the whole point of them attempting to copy the mind of a Player into a Watcher larva in the first place was to try and avoid the insanely high infant mortality rate their typical juveniles go through, bc they dont understand their own limits enough to even know they have them yet. So they needed a Player they knew they could instruct and who would listen to them, and, well. Grian, for all he was rebellious and outright defiant of the Watchers, still solved their puzzles and only had to be punished once before he stopped trying to mess with them

What ive always pictured is after the dragon fight the two main elders of the Watcher colony finally revealed themselves to Grian properly-- i have this crystal clear image of the two of them hovering above and next to the central end island, looming over Grian, and like, these guys are big. HUGE. A good 5x bigger than the ender dragon itself, at LEAST. It would be hard not to feel insanely intimidated by that, honestly, especially when there are two of them side by side, blocking your entire view of the End from that direction.

Anyway picture that with the context of these two giant floating winged worms youve never seen before, who have demonstrated their powerful ability to manipulate code in a way you cant.... telling you that they have chosen you to become one of them. Thats an immense amount of pressure, both from flattery and fear, especially considering theyve punished you before for defying them. I like to think even then, Grian balked a bit, and while i dont have exact dialogue beats here, i know the Watchers continued putting that pressure on him (likely while leveraging his friendships too-- like ive always said, if Grian hadnt been chosen, BigB wouldve been, and i can absolutely see the Watchers offering to take him in Grian's stead) until he finally caved and accepted their "offer" of joining them.

Unfortunately, he didnt find out exactly what that entailed until it was far too late.

[makotonaegiunderstander]

do you ever go do autism crazy for something you can feel it in ur chest. like it’s hard to breathe almost it’s making you gasp for breath and jump around physically. got an adrenaline rush thinking abt Kirigiri.

[danielnelsen]

there’s so much i wanna do this week/month/etc but i’m just too sick, i have no energy, i can’t sleep, i’m constantly nauseous and headachey and on the verge of a migraine, i’m stressed and irritable and impatient and panicky…….how tf did i survive nearly 5 years of high school untreated if i can’t even manage this when i don’t have any major obligations rn

[chalupaconspiracy]

.

[cetoddle]

i love my new therapist so much cause she’s the first person i’ve ever met who takes me seriously when i talk about suicide even though i don’t have a concrete plan and haven’t actually made any attempts yet

[samuraisharkie]

not going to be online all that often anywhere (or if I am it will be sporadic) for a bit due for mental health/physical health reasons but dw im getting some help and I have people supporting me, just need to focus on recovering for a bit. doesn’t mean I’ll be unreachable or that I’ll never be online while I’m recovering just that I’m officially declaring that this is something I need to do for myself in order to actually make progress getting better