#if i wasnt so fucking useless at everything i try.

[cloverofhope]

Hhhhhhhhhhhh im not sure how to get the wings to actually stay up. Not only that I apparently made them way smaller than I thought i did and they look so small on me-

[dykedvonte]

I hate the stretch lines in the front of Curly's uniform because that means the devs rushed to make a model in like a month or so and thought "They gotta at least know he has huge knockers, gotta know he's got back pain." Cause like what is the thematic importance of his tits having overhang?

What responsibility is that representing? Breast reduction? It shows an inherent greed in his character due to the excess and heshouldletmeholdone and that he clearly is blinded cause if he tries to look down his damn ladder all he's seeing is his own cleavage.

[angelstrawbabie420]

grief will have you saying shit like goddamn and fuck maybe the abuse was worth it

[autism-corner]

hm

[the-kipsabian]

i am this 🤏 close to a complete fucking mental breakdown how are we doing today

[anxiety-problem]

Happy Days by Ghost is a very phantasmacore song btw

[begginmonty]

finding out your career counsellors secret

(kinda links to working with mike, a prequel if you may, also i refer to him mostly as steve throughout this as you do not know his name is william afton yet. also not proofread again sorry. also its kinda bad im sorry i just got carried away)

it’s your 4th shift at your new security guard job and everythings going fine, no break ins, no weirdos, nothing, it’s nice and peaceful a book sits in your hand and a hot drink sits on your desk as the clock hits midnight yipee 6 more hours you mentally sigh

suddenly the animatronics performance mix starts playing through the speakers and you quickly snap out of your book, sitting up in your chair, confused as hell.

looking at the camera feeds you can see the animatronics on stage performing?? no ones pressed the button but there they are?? must be a bug right, a fault???

you cautiously walk to the performance area, flashlight in your hand, peaking around making sure no one had broken in the few seconds your eyes were away from the cameras. there's no one. just you and singing robots.

eXCEPTTT this is a little different because usually 30 seconds or so into the song bonnie moves in a way that blows the fuse of the whole performance but it hasn’t happened. they’re performing fully?? 

this wasnt in the fucking job description

you walk up to the showtime button and press it to see if it’ll stop the show but nope, it’s still going on and it’s starting to freak you out a little - yes it’s cool to see the animatronics move but this is something else, maybe turning off the whole electricity will work?

as you look at foxy, his eye completely makes eye contact with you for a few seconds but looking back to where it was before - did that just happen???? that’s just part of the show right?? The fox did not just make direct eye contact with you purposefully??? 

freaked out a little, you step back away and to the main centre of the room and breathe a second, trying to control your thoughts and your worries. its all just in your head. they’re probably malfunctioning a little bit its fine, go turn the power off and on again.

“fucking hell” you mumble, going to turn around but suddenly from behind, there's an arm strongly clutching your face, a hand covering your mouth and your hands are held tightly behind your back, like some sort of police arrest, by the other arm. you go to let out a scream, but the hand tightly clutches your mouth.

“ssh” and you're wiggling around trying to break free but whoever's holding you is immensely strong and manages to keep you locked in place. with their hand still covering your mouth, the captor forces your head to face forward of the performing animatronics. 

there's a deep chuckle from behind you, “it’s truly amazing isn't it?” . uh oh. you recognise that voice. you’ve heard it a lot but no?? it cant be right??

but your suspicions are right as your captors head sits against yours, upon your shoulder, and you look out of the corner of your eyes and there he is. steve. steve raglan, your fucking career counsellor. 

he’s captivated by the performance of the robots, a look of pride upon his face, and he’s slightly moving the two of you to song. tears of fear are welling in your eyes, shaking, but the song comes to an abrupt stop and the animatronics shut down.

“YOU ARE USELESS!” he seems to shout at the animatronics??, “YOU CANT EVEN FINISH ONE SONG!” 

you’re just stood in his captive, confusion and fear writhing through your body but in his moments of shouting, you nearly manage to pull yourself away from him but he’s quick, he seems to know what he’s doing, and he just grips you closer to him, his breath on your neck, he sounds angry but he lets out another chuckle. a deep, evil sounding one.

“steve?” you manage to get out, a few tears escaping your eyes.

he laughs, he’s enjoying this sick and twisted moment, “bet you weren’t expecting me were you?” and his voice is deep and dark and moving your eyes to look at him next to you again there's an evil smirk on his lips. “this is always fun”

then it all went black

your eyes slowly blink open to a blinding light looking at you, and it feels like you’re at the dentist but you quickly snap back to reality when you realise your hands are bound as is your chest and you’re sat/laying in some sort of mechanical chair. there's, what you can only describe to be, a ribcage looking contraction either side of you but when you look in front of you, is a head contraption, it looks like freddy’s but metallic.

“wakey wakey” steve is sat, like a dentist, in a swivel chair, shirt sleeves rolled up, to the right of you and you look at him and he’s got that evil grin on his face again, he’s leaning against your metal seat. “Awe” he says  pouting his lips in response, to the tears in your eyes and the way you're desperately trying to free yourself.

and you’re pleading with him to stop, and he’s looking down at you, and his gaze lingers on your face for a minute too long before he moves and flips a switch next to him. 

the metal face in front of you whirrs and begins moving closer to you, and you're shaking your hands like mad trying to free yourself. he’s just stood watching, and you’re pleading and pleading, “please i wont say anything to anyone. I’ll do anything please!” 

everything stops and the machine is retracted away from your face, your chest falls in relief and steve is looking over you again, “you know, i’ve  always had a strong liking for you, y/n” and his eyes are lingering on your face again as he brushes a fallen strand of hair away, your eyes lock for while, and he smiles.

nothing is really explained to you for the rest of your shift. but you realise he owns this place and whilst you’re calming down, he explains about a new hire and how he wants you to make sure he does not quit the job. before he leaves for the rest of your shift, he has that lingering gaze and strokes your cheek softly. 

you spend the rest of your shift sitting in your office chair, freaking out, collecting your thoughts and trying to chill the fuck out. what the fuck just happened.

[polyhexian]

Can you elaborate on previous Darius post?

Darius is mean. He's fucking mean. Darius isn't like Raine, who always knew fascism is bad and has been intentionally working their way up the ladder with the intention to stop it, knowing they will have to make hard decisions that hurt others on the way. Darius got that job because he wanted it. He didn't think anything was wrong UNTIL Raine turned out to be a rebel, and he decided he trusted raine's judgement above his orders. Like. He heel turned at the last minute. He's not like. A perfect dude.

And moreso like. Darius was just. Not good??? To hunter??? In the emperor's coven??? You can absolutely write or draw Darius coming to his fucking senses earlier than he does in canon, but. In canon he does not care about Hunter. He is not nice to him. The very first thing Darius ever says to him is a deep annoyed sigh and ugh, we rescheduled the meeting, so, "run along and do your arts and crafts, or, whatever it is you do" with a little mocking wave. Then he yanks off his patched up cape and laughs at him mockingly before he realizes it's his mentors sigil and he stops laughing and suddenly he's like legitimately mad at this teenage boy about this. He takes his cape and gets INTO it and calls him the emperor's nephew and implies he's a nepo baby and he's weak and useless and that his predecessor was one of the greatest witches to ever live, but Hunter being canonically disabled makes him pathetic and that he will never ever live up to the shoes he's trying to fill. The man knows everything. He knows hunter is supposedly belos's nephew. We know that he knows hunter is sixteen because HE is the one that tells US he's sixteen. He knows EXACTLY what the golden guard role entails because his mentor was one. He knows that hunter is a disabled teenage soldier and he has an overwhelming amount of evidence to make the assumption that he is also an orphan. And yet he stands there and mocks him and laughs at him and rubs his face in the fact he thinks he's useless and should be ashamed of himself for- you know. Being disabled.

Not to mention that like. The scene where Darius gives hunter a scroll is cute. Or like. It would be. If he hadn't just threatened to hit him?? Like it wasnt even that he was willing to FIGHT him. Hunter was standing still and Darius thought it would be funny to raise his hand like he was about to hit him, he let him flinch and squeeze his eyes shut and brace to be hit and to take it and he thought it was funny to be like psyche haha dink! I tapped your head. Psyche! You really thought I was gonna hit you lol huh? Thats not funny. That's not funny????? Why did you even do that? You didn't change your mind or something. He'd already decided not to hit him. Why did you pretend like you were going to hit him????

Like I am THE Darius guy, I've written an OBSCENE amount of Darius, I've written an OBSCENE amount of Dadrius myself, and "au where Darius decided to be nice to hunter earlier" is great and all but. That is not canon. He would not do that. Not in canon. In canon Darius is cool with mocking disabled and (probably) orphaned teenage soldiers and that doesn't change until hunter does something that makes him think he DESERVES to be treated with respect. He's a kid. That's insane. Darius thats a whole ass child. The fuck are you doing

He's just fuckin mean lol

[stanfiction-withsoos]

Stan's used to being an amputee, he's spent his whole life until now with only one forearm, so he can pretty much do everything he could do with his hand before Ford sewed them together. Ford is a little very upset by this. Ford wants them to work as a unit, but when they're standing in front of the kitchen counter Stan keeps just using his one hand and occasionally his teeth for everything. Ford keeps trying to help but Stan's got it and Stan keeps being like 'uhhh chop the onions I guess' except Ford isn't used to only having one hand so he struggles and Stan takes it away to do it himself and it wasn't supposed to be like this he was supposed to be improving the both of them but since he got it in his head that they're both incomplete (Stan physically with his arm and Ford mentally with his inability to connect with others) but it seems now like it's just Stan weathering the circumstances instead of them working cohesively like it was supposed to be.

Anyways bla bla bla the implications and symbolism of Stan getting cut while holding a vegetable for Ford to chop, I loveeeee conjoined people body horror I need them to eat eachother

stans tending to a boiling pot of what-will-be potato soup while ford attempts to cut some potatoes into quarters. key word: attempts.

the blade slips away from the water-slick potato peel for the upteenth time and ford growls with frustration, leaning over to put his elbow on the counter, taking stan with him.

" hey, poindexter- you're struggling. " stans attention is brought away from the pot, his hand resting on the edge of the wooden cutting board.

" no you're struggling. " ford squeaks out, mostly on instinct; theres hardly any bite to the words.

" here, let me- " stan reaches for the potato and ford lurches backwards, making them lose their balance and tumble onto the floor.

" woah- sixer, what the hell?! " stan said, scrambling to get them sitting up. he struggled for a moment before looking over at his other half, who, for once, wasnt trying to cooperate. Fords glasses were crooked and his eyes were watery and wide, his jaw clenched and lips twitching in a frown. six fingers were white-knuckling his side of their shirt.

Stan slumped back, his side of their back resting onto the cold tiles. He brought a hand to rest over fords own, immediately feeling the other relax.

" ... hey, everything alright? " Stan tilted his head to lean against their shared shoulder, something that ford had done countless times but his twin had not. stan was unused to physical affection, but given how physically affectionate ford tends to be, he assumes it'll help.

(what a joke...)

a sob tore through fords throat, his hand moving to stans side of their chest, kneading not unlike a cat.

" I-i feel so- " ford wrenched his neck away and grit his teeth, making a sour face. stan rested his hand on fords collarbone, waiting for him to continue.

" useless. you can be so... independent, and yet i struggle to do the simplest of things. "

ford retracts his hand and takes off his smudged glasses, setting them on the tile next to them.

" look sixer i- " fuck, stans never been good at this kind of stuff- " ive lived all my life with only a hand, you've always had two. 'ts just a learning curve. "

ford was quiet for a moment, the only sounds stan could hear were the boiling pot and his brothers heartbeat.

" ... i still feel inept. " he finally choked out.

" stanford, buddy. yer the smartest person i know. hell, maybe the smartest person on earth. "

" ... "

" and, also, if ya keep moping the soup will boil over. "

" right, yes. " ford stat up, stan quickly following him. after fumbling his glasses and the knife, they stood up on shaky legs, righting themselves in front of the countertop and stove.

ford adjusted his grip on the knife, staring at the ominous potato. stan watched him.

" here, doll, let me hold it, " stan grabbed the potato, leaving most of it exposed.

ford took a shaky breath and moved the knife, cutting down into the root.

[digital-mine]

big ass vent about my teachers, people around me and everything idk

this is my last school year and only now i can say FUCK these teachers and people, theyre horrible at their job, horrible at being decent people, i just despise them. i was blaming myself all these past years but NO its not my fucking fault im not doing well at school, it wasnt my fault i couldnt speak the language decently enough when i had just gotten out of a war and i should not have gotten yelled at and mocked and made to feel stupid all the time. i literally got no help at all. all this time only one teacher truly helped me and didnt treat me as if im dumb and never made me feel bad about things i couldnt help. she already left the school since idk how many years though, and good for her honestly because shes too fucking good for them. i dont hate all my teachers, there are nice ones and there are ones i feel indifferent to. but some just make me hate this place and this language and everything about my life SO MUCH i just despise them

like my literature & language teacher told me a week ago that i had no potential to pass the literature exam because i wouldnt understand as a foreigner and didnt have enough knowledge or something but hey maybe i WOULD have had enough potential if you werent such a useless bitch who never helped me all these years and only mocked me and made fun of how badly i was doing. dont try to act like youre being helpful by telling me in the MIDDLE of the last year that theres no hope for me to pass the exam that i have to pass to get into university, and because of something i cant change. its not like youre actually gonna try to help me, all youre ever good for is talking shit LIKE JUST STFU IF ALL YOURE GOING TO DO IS MAKE ME FEEL WORSE THEN SHUT UP. she in particular pisses me off so much because literally for the past 3 years she never once did anything besides talk to me as if im stupid and literally make fun of the way i speak or behave all the time. not just her, many other teachers would mock my accent or straight up yell at me for not understanding. and im not talking about now, my language skills are decent enough now but in my first years when i needed help the most all they did was make me feel like shit. just how much of a FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT DO YOU HAVE TO BE TO ATTACK A KID WHO JUST LEFT A SHITTY THIRD WORLD DESTROYED COUNTRY BECAUSE THEY CANT YET MASTER YOUR LANGUAGE????

im sorry but i just actually despise this language and this whole place so much now. the language itself is complex and beautiful, yeah, but they didnt give me 1 reason to love it. how the hell do they want me to like their language when EVERYTIME i spoke in it i got made fun of or criticized? and then they also pick on me for being quiet like no matter what i do i can never be treated with bare minimum respect.

thats the thing that hurts the most. it doesnt matter where i go, i will never get to live like a normal person. why do i have to choose between not living but surviving in my country, and being treated like i dont have a brain and not worthy of respect outside of it? its actually crazy because i genuinely wish i could go back to being a kid in my country. despite everything. i dont know how, but somehow i didnt feel as shitty as i do now. maybe because i was a little kid, or maybe because back then whenever it would get really bad at least i would have hope that at some point im going to leave and it will all get better once im in a different place. right now though i have no hope at all. i cant return to my country, this place isnt that good either even as a country and its only getting worse, and i dont see a point in going anywhere else. i have literally no idea where i could go and i dont want to keep reliving the foreigner experience. i just want someone to take me out this earth completely

[arthurtaylorlester]

i've wanted to make this post since i listened to the first episode of malevolent back in december, but i kept forgetting but i am here.

we are seriously neglecting the sopping wet-cat energy from john. like yeah sure arthur is pretty fucking pathetic, but on my first listen, knowing nothing about malevolent, my brain decided that john was a fucking idiot before i even knew his name (rip spooky voice man you will be missed) and knew that he was just as clueless as arthur about everything

arthur is capable of functioning in a human society (just barely) but john? he doesn't know shit about himself, about humans and especially in light of episode 31, about arthur

and he still!! tries!! to manipulate people !! he is so fucking useless, like the whole time arthur was asleep, we heard him 3-4 times so he probably wasnt even getting through to arthur and just panicking for a solid hour before arthur woke up

and and going back to the earlier seasons, he never has any fucking idea what's going on? season 1, he's just straight up making shit up and pretending to be god knows what. and then season 2, he arguably is more in his element but arthur still falls into a pit. twice. under his guidance.

and season 3 is my best argument for this case. he spends 3 episodes away doing god knows what, presumably with kayne. and then when he comes back in pt 23, HE DOESN'T ACTUALLY FIND OUT WHAT'S GOING ON UNTIL 26?? HE LEGITIMATELY SPENDS 2 EPISODES OUT OF THE LOOP WITH NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON TRYING TO REASON WITH A SUICIDAL ARTHUR IN AN EMOTIONAL STATE THAT CAN ONLY BE DESCRIBED WITH THIS IMAGE:

anyways, through the sheer power of being clueless, john is a pathetic wet cat

<- hey guys i wrote all that while sleep deprived and sick and think this is funny enough to share

[hellonerf]

suicide is discouraged in the workplace

im not even gonna try to be coherent here. this is not an analysis post i am braindead. if i was a better artist makima wouldve been my muse when i was deep into chainsawman. actuallt she kind of was but i pussyed out

OK everyone here can subconsciously understand this connection. dont get too hung up on makima's strong motherhood theme and i just thought about what if ame was motherly and i couldn't kill myself right aftee thinking that as i have no means to it. that was a joke its late and im just me. i decided i wasnt a fan of motherly ame though so all suicidal thoughts erased. i am really chill now

old makima fanart i drew that im trying not to rip my hairs out over thinking about it with ame. also dont worry if this makes tou find my mainblog or main accounts whatever

actually theyre really different in many ways now that im looking at these. ame is so much of a son and makima is so much of a mother its like oppsoite spectrums. but thay makes the commonalities fun actuallt. i keep thinking about the movies and makima hating bad movies. ame is not an art kid by any means does he even care of the beauty of the world? i doubt it. but he likes bad movies and he likes cheap entertainment so who knows... they'd disagree on that. well i think makima's opinion on that was pretty extreme so i think most would disagree with her really

i could imagine ame going "Chainsawman. Doesn't spit." and smoking for the first time to look cool like in movies only to pathetically cough. thats their common trait... artifice... humans... but in a way that loops back to being Really Human i guess. holds a kind of arrogance and hubris that is so associated with humanity. it cant be anything else. ame should kill himself i think he should get moments of clarity and awareness and want to kill himself rqlly bad

both concepts of control. awesome. SUICIDE IS NOT ENDORSED IN THE WRKPLACE. ame goes to protestant church once or twice and sleeps because hes useless. makima is baptised and goes to local catholic churches not the cathedrals she supports the local christians.FUCK i just remembered the country mouse city mouse thing. ame is a liar and hates everything and loves everything and never feels content. i like to imagine him as a country mouse so fucking bad i want him to chill out one day and go to those middle of nowheres i know exist in america(can i shove cana in here and get away with it). why are they in the city if they are country mice? because..... you know..... you understand..... another w for eternal unhappiness (refer to title of this post)(suicide is discouraged in the workplace)

they are evil bosses i am the employee and when i ask for a break they gaze at me with a vacant stare and smile and i know in my heart they are viewing me like i am beneath them. i get scared and run away but truth is they didnt hear my request. they do not register individual people

if they met they would know immediately and viceversa. because everyone knows subconsciously because lying is futile and everything melts away. ame:i know a toxic boymom when i see one... okay im kidding makima is a toxic boymom if u push the chainsawman in ur head 🙂 ame as a kind of control devil works inmy head. i really believe ame was a polite child but demanding in many ways. sincerely wanting.

ame:gun devil i'll give you one year of the lifespans of the american people. in exchange i want you to kill makima—that is... the control devil (i never got around to drawing this)(ame and gun devil can you imagine)

or:gun devil i'll give you one year of the lifespans of the american people. in exchange i want you to kill alfred f jones—that is... the united states of america (paradox)

throughout all this i wanted to cite the best makima artist in the world ever but i'd feel bad if they wouldn't want to be associated with evil hetalia america blog. also i want to be normal and not cringe at being cringe just becayse i think makima was a thunderstrike of genius that i shouldn't taint. ame is a more flexible character to me for obvious reasons. this is how i'd shove ame into makima's role. but u couldn't put makima as ame. only one way. im okay with that. concept idea consensus words fear control blablabla u get the point i hate using words dont care sleepy now

[bulbabutt]

Can I ask your thoughts on TF One? I have mixed feelings about it, but I’m very curious about what other people think (this can be an invitation to rant if you want it)

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH thats all ive BEEN doing but you've asked for it

its. so fucking. like okay you could tell from the trailers that it was just gonna be your AVERAGE ass blockbuster movie. its tone was not giving anything original in the slightest. you know, mcu slop. not like... that everything mcu IS slop, but like youve seen unoriginal basic blockbusters before im sure. vague 'we gotta save the world' types.

starting with characters: we have quirky funny hero who makes bad jokes, hes starlord but not as thought out. childish and hopeful, but never wrong. we have a secondary 'comic relief' who... feels useless cuz orion is already the jokester, hes there to be awkward and make the others uncomfortable, but like... ahahha hes violent now. hes pretty useless to the story. and we have cliche ass woman side character whos there to be.... the fuckin scarlett johansen type, i feel like i dont even need to specify what i mean by that. youve seen marvel movies or marvel like movies. like elita in this movie bumps that prime arcee problem i have up to 11, heres shes....... a career woman. who is FINE being taken advantage of and not being compassionate cuz THERES WORK TO DO.... like. i mean think of those romcoms where a woman has NOOOO time for dating kind of thing. and then the only character worth a damn (also the only... not shitty SOUNDING one aka a good VOICE actor whos being a CHARACTER and not just 'hey everyone you know this guys voice') is megatron, and hes not as well thought out as he should be. like they do TRY with his arc, but its not satisfying enough, they dont HOLD ON HIM enough i think. and then hes the bad guy when HE DIDNT DO ANYTHING WRONG........

this movie bumps the usual 'transformers lore is boring long and confusing as hell' to 11 cuz its a movie, trying to fit in lore that usually is spaced out over the course of a tv show. and tv shows with all that lore tend to be annoying anyway, but JESUS in a movie is it ever annoying. but its not that thought out! like. ive said it a hundred times before, but i HATE the 13. i hate the fact we have fucking jesus and the apostles to the LITERAL god primus, it makes the story fucking basic as hell. it makes the politics surrounding the war religious and messy and BAD! THIS IS ABT ROBOTS WHY IS IT A HOLY WAR NOW!!!

and showing that the one guy who WASNT chosen by god to be the bad guy whos lying to the people ABOUT being chosen by god is bad! we should know thats bad COME ON. and his whole thing is 'oops ive fucked up and now im sacrificing my people to these vague alien invaders cuz im a big dumb idiot and i have no plan on how to deal with this tee hee' like. how you gonna make the quintessons this lame. theyre vaguely animal like but willing to make a deal and stuff. its really poorly thought out.

also. from the trailers they made it look like 'oh no, elita and airachnid are gonna have that GIRL beef with each other, so we can justify the girls fighting' but.... they didnt even do that. airachnids not really a character, shes just... the only person whos on sentinels side. for some reason. but really its just cuz shes physically weird, and she could easily be replaced by an object shes not a character, shes the camera with the proof. (something something girl transformers are always motorcycles or spiders cuz sexual dimorphism of alt modes LMAO)

like. i did not care for prime ive said that a million times here, but at least that shows telling and not showing gave you like 'okay so orion and megatron used to be partners who started a revolution together, and their political beliefs are what splintered the planet into autobots and decepticons'. but HERE. its so fucking vague?? its like. ok what split them apart was.... the fact megatron wanted to kill the (according to the movie) only guy who was causing any problems for the whole planet?? WHEN BUMBLEBEE WAS JUST SHOWN KILLING LIKE 20 GUYS 5 MINUTES EARLIER???

anyway that 'death' scene for orion was ripping off beast machines and while i had issues with beast machines at the time FUCK YOU! they did that for A REASON!!!! IT WAS NARRATIVELY IMPORTANT TO HAVE HIM DO THAT! IT WAS BAD WHEN PRIME RIPPED IT OFF AND THIS RIPPED IT OFF WORSE!!!!!! FOR WHAT!!! 'oh optimus runs in the way of megatrons gun to save the, i repeat, guy who is SINGLEHANDEDLY responsible for opression on their planet?? thats fucking stupid. thats genuinely so stupid, and while him being like 'im done saving you' COULD be fun and cool and interesting there justttttt wasnt enough of it??

like what i find interesting is that megatron and ELITA had more in common, they were BOTH trying to use the fucked up system they knew was fucked up to get ahead. and what do we get out of that? some BULLSHIT 'girlboss' speech that belongs in 2011 from elita about 'im better than you, i could do everything right cuz im cool and badass and smart and better than you. but.... youre a big dummy with a heart so you should be in charge' GROOOOOOOOOOANNNNN

people always wanna harp on me for being like 'idk man, i like g1 cuz i think theres more interesting ideas that could be readapted better by people who care' but instead we have to turn characters and stories and ideas about politics into basic ass hollywood blockbuster vague nonsense to fit the ideals of the wider movie going audience. and i think thats bullshit.

i think transformers should go back to ripping of star wars and im not kidding. stop making the autobots the fucking leaders of the planet, youre making them complicit in a corrupt worldstate and turning them into fascists who oust non believers. they started as fucking scrappy rebels, take me the fuck back if youre not even gonna go so far as to say 'maybe the autobots do the WRONG thing' like they did in animated.

i think people only like this movie cuz theyre too fucking used to the GOD AWFUL BAYVERSE, and so they think this is GOOD. its not!! its not smart at all!!! go watch sci fi shit from before 2007 I SWEAR TO GOD!!!! EDUCATE YOURSELF!!!!

the best tf movie IS STILL the transformers the movie 1986 cuz it was COOL and DIFFERENT and well animated and had a good soundtrack and was full of cool characters! maybe it was a lil goofy, but THAT message of hope in the face of despair speaks WAY louder than THIS SHIT..... if youre gonna force the conflict to be political you need SOME UNDERSTANDING OF POLITICS....

im sorry. ive only seen the movie once but im just.... it encapsulates every fucking issue ive been having with the transformers franchise since watching prime. where it got fucking religious and poorly thought out. i know its those god awful bay movies faults but JESUS its been sticking around WAY too long and im tired.

[sketchesandnonesense]

Kinda fucked up realizing that at the end of January it'll mark a full year I've been dealing with liver cancer.

2 years in general dealing with cancer, but I cant remember the precise day of my first diagnosis. Just that it was also around january/february.

The first time around was esophogeal cancer, technically. It was right on the borderline where my esophagus and stomach meet. "Late stage 2" they said.

Half my year was weeks full of radiation and weekly chemo days. Other half was getting my entire stomach removed along with that lower esophagus chunk to get rid of the tumor. Recovery was hell. Figuring out how to eat again was hell. Trying to get used to everything that'd been done to me was hell.

But I found normal again and the scans for afew months said I was cancer free.

Until they said they spotted something suspisious.

And then, January 31st they told me the biopsy results.

Cancer. Again.

More biopsies and tests and looking at options.

Back to going in for chemo days and feeling like shit for days on end. Already still beaten down from last time.

N this year's been kinda a roller coaster in the worst way. Every time things looked up, it all came back down hard.

Right now I'm on my 3rd different drug cocktail to see if it kills the cancer before it kills me.

First one was the most aggressive and miserable, i think, and I had to take home a chemo pump for a day that made it drag out how long I felt like total shit. It seemed to stop the growth for awhile on the scans. So it seemed worth it. Until it just. Stopped Working. The tumor had grown alittle more.

So onto the next one.

Second one I had an allergic reaction to one of the drugs so every chemo day I'd have to be put in a benadryl coma. Over time it got alittle more bearable with the immediate post-chemo-agony symptoms though. It actually worked stupid good for awhile there. First scans were really promising. The tumor was shrinking up.

And then it just. Also stopped working. My tumor hadnt shrunk at all between scans.

And worse: there were afew little "suspisious dots" peppering the inside of my liver that had been holding steady but were now growing.

And with how those drugs were fucking up my body, it wasn't worth putting me through it still with results that useless where its not being really contained.

So, i was off chemo entirely for abit while my docs figured out another treatment and whether insurance would cover.

I almost got into a medical trial they really thought looked promising and might help. Even so far as going to the clinic to see it and signing consent forms. Once they double checked my chart, though, and saw I literally didnt have a stomach though, they pulled away n decided I didnt qualify after all.

We'd even already scheduled my appointment days because we were so sure I was gonna do the trial.

Idk how they didnt see something That Important as a Disqualifier earlier, but what can ya do I guess.

They scanned me again before starting up chemo again. Seems in the time it took between drugs my tumor had pretty much grown back to original size. Back to square one. Plus the slowly encroaching New Spots.

N now I'm on my shiny new third drug. Second dose just yesterday. Day right after wasnt too bad last time, either, but I think once those really good Long Lasting "Don't Feel Like Death" drugs they gave me wore off I'm gonna be in a world of hurt.

I got 2 more doses, then we scan again.

And I don't know what I'll do if the results arent optimistic. Like. Even a "nothing has changed, its Contained" will work. Just anything.

Because I have only one other drug left to try if this one doesnt work. And my docs dont seem super confident in it. Though it also could be because its a pill and with No Stomach that makes things alot more complicated with oral medication.

After that?

I don't know.

I don't think any of us wanna talk about it much.

There's been the vague talk of finding other medical trials but nothing concrete.

Idk why I'm writing this, really. Just to get all my Cancer Lore down, maybe? Incase anyone's wanted to know.

My body's been totally destroyed by all this. I'm skin and bone but because I lost the weight so fast my skin doesnt Fit right anymore. And I think thats what fucks me up the worst. My clothes dont fit either, half the time. Even when it feels like I just bought some new pants that fit comfortably and then suddenly they're too big on me (or if I'm really lucky, too small).

Idk really how to end a post like this. I feel like I SHOULD be making some speech about Fighting and Not Giving Up or something optimistic.

But I just. Don't have it in me.

I dont really have some gloomy thoughts to dump either, though.

Today I just kinda feel numb. Atleast so far. The day is young.

I'm gonna try n figure out breakfast before I start feeling bad now lol

[denjischainsaws]

(Spoilers for DRDT Ch.2!!)

guys im genuinely starting to believe that ace killed arei. hear me out now!!

first of all, it matches with the overall theme of ch.2, which is that not everything is what it seems (some examples of characters following this theme is hu jing being a motherly figure so she wont be perceived as useless, j being julia rosales, nico actually trying to kill someone, david being revealed to be manipulative, etc etc). it also matches with the title of the chapter too (“all that glitters” is a part of a saying that goes like “all that glitters is not gold”). and like…what if the dumbest character almost fooled everyone to vote someone else…

second of all, there’s the timeline of which things happen (i think thats the phrase?) im guessing that when charles says “teruko we fucked up���, it’s regarding the time of the meeting (it being at 7:30 am and not 7:30 pm)

what nico says also lines up with this theory, and the time was also ripped out on purpose on the note

if the meeting was actually at 7:30 am…

and the last possible time of murder was at 8:00 am….

that could give ace more than enough time to kill arei and stage all of this!!

this is also assuming that ace was the only one up at 7:30 am that wasnt trying to rendezvous.

okay this is like pure speculation now

ace couldve like…used the jump rope in the gym to tie her arms

okay thats all i got

my other two guesses are levi and hu jing. either way ace is cooked bc i feel like he’s gonna character regress even more if it was actually one of those two. if its levi, the only person he’s considered safe was a killer. if its hu jing, then it only reinforces his newfound belief that no one can be trusted

i really hope he isnt the ch.2 killer bc i wanna see some sprites where hes happy (and blushing nd crying ones too that would be nice [im so sane])

i would love to see ace get more tired and where grey hairs actually begin to appear and become more noticeable as the chapters go on UEHEUDUHEU

[pup-pee]

VENT POST

i just started typing & i accidentally worte an essay

dont click read more if ur not ready 2 scroll or if u dont want 2 read some random persons thoughts

whenever my mother has a manic or depressive episode every1 looks 2 me 2 help her

bc 4 sone reason im ghe only 1 who understands??? but slso fucking like i dont want 2 i e been trying 2 help her w/various shit since i was born man like literally y do I have 2 help when shes drunk, or hallucinating, or angry, weeping, bored, delusional ect ect

like y me mannn

i wouldnt mind hanging around her if she wasnt a huge source of trauma 4 me god damn

like the problem is i dont mind bing around her its just she has the biggest victim complex & i cannot bare 2 b tricked in2 apologizing 2 her again & again & again & reliving moments that hurt me so i can explain y her actions were not just another tuesday & then she just brushes it off or resays the original statement so i try 2 resay what i said

or when i try 2 calm her down so i let her hold me & sob & i am so uncomfortable bc i dont like bing held by her & she grips my hand & squeezes me when hugging & its like man i dont want 2 deal w/this pls

but when any1 else tries 2 b around her they just make her worse?? make her more upset angry fucking they just trigger her off 4 some reason & she cant b around family or friends bc they just feed in2 her delusions & make them more real 4 her SO IG THATS Y IM THE 1 WHO HAS 2 DO EVERYTHING

4 SOME FUCKING REASON im the 1 ppl listen 2 but then on a dime they will just go “oh but ur the toungest ur not an adult u dont understand it doesnt work that way!” IVE LIVED W/THIS WOMEN MY ENTIRE LIFE I THINK I UNDERSTAND HER BETTER THAN WHEN U KNEW HER AS A CHILD. SHES A FUCKING ADULT TREAT HER LIKE 1

TREAT ME LIKE 1 I GUESS BC U WOULDNT HELP ME AS A KID

dude holy fucking balls im so annoyed bc i cant do anything im just thinking about what ive been doing this week & god damn i h8 the holidays

i want so badly 4 ppl 2 listen & understand me but the bias just DOESNT LET THEM IT DOESNT & IT SUCKS IT SUCKS SO MUCH

bc i can understand what my mother is going through. the mood swings the paranoid/intrusive thoughts the sudden depression BC REAL ME 2 GIRLIE

whcih sidenote my mother told me she was suppossed 2 get diagnosed when she was younger but didnt bc the walk 2 the therapists office each time was way 2 much & just like goddamn that sucks ass. bc imagine if she was able 2 cope better instead of alcohol & cigs & impulse buying all the useless shit

anyways mayb thats y my mother is able 2 stand me more than the others. bc i can relate. which also makes me more easy 2 manipulate but i think ive gotten better @ standing my ground? i hope. man.

mayb i shoukd like talk 2 a therapist bc i want 2 tak about these things but everytime i went 2 a therpist((multiple)) it was always “oh it seems u have it all figured out”

did i get cps called or alerted from me multiple times then got scared in2 talking further in2 it? maybe

but literally cps does jack shit

dude the cops came 2 my house bc my mothers dramatic & she wouldnt let me talk 2 them ((bc i was a minor @ the time)) & they jsut went “ah yes normal behavior.” she drunkenly told them wrong information about our family like that i had a sister? do not. she tried 2 she them the injuries that my dad gave her ((she had none)) & then just refused 2 let me b alone. & oh holy fucking shit. when the reaosn was “well its 2 hot!” i said “they can come inside” she said no

then it was bc i was a minor which doesnt matter bc law

like i had 2 shove her back inside dude it was awful

then when i opened the door she was like right there oacing around like i can not i cant

she did get held 4 that night bc they took it that she was the main disturbance & HOLY SHIT THAT WAS 1 OF THE MOST OEACEFUL NIGHTS IN A WHILE

but ohhh my god she has not let that shit go 2 this day

“they arrested me 4 no reason!” “do yk how AWDUL it is in jail? ofc u dont!” “they had 2 search me!! it was so violating”“ur father LIED 2 them 2 get me.” “those police were lazy & racist” ((i mean ur not weong but also ur not right in that moment)) “yk who had 2 pick me up bc ur father wouldnt? yeah so & so” LIKE YES I GET IT U HAD 2 SPEND 5 HRS IN WHERE EVER U WERE

ohhh my god listen i can understand how treatment can b traumatic but HOLY SHIT the thing that bugs me is how she doesnt realize SHE PUT HERSELF IN THERE

she called the cops of my father then got arrested like girl PLS

she dismisses everything based on those reasons then used them against us

OHH MY GOD I JUST REMEMBERED she tried 2 tell a friends parent who we ran in2 about all of this & i had 2 pull her away like do u know how embarrassing that is? i was trying on the fly 2 correct her BC I DIDNT NEED ANOTHER OUTSIDE INFLUENCE FEEDING IN2 MY MOTHERS VERSION OF EVENTS

im so fucking tired man. & then my father tries 2 defend her & its like my good sir u r the victim but also u neglectful asshole take care of urself the way u never took care of my brother or i

like hes fucked up but hes not a terrible person. outside of the transphobia, racism & other things that i think hea grown past? listen he used 2 b way more homophobic but like my mother helped him w/that shit

but oh my god dude i remneber coming out 2 my family in 8th grade & he went 2 his lesbian friend talking abiut me bing trans which. rude honestly. i wouldve rather him ask me questions not some girlie i never heard of. & holy shit she fed him the worst advice. “when i was younger i thought i shouldve been a boy when i was just gay” GIRL STFU IM SRRY I WENT THROUGH THAT BUT U R NOT ME

she made him so much more surr of himself then he shouldve been & im still struggling 2 explain shit 2 him

dude hes oit here talking about trans women in sports when i dont even play sports like hhhh

my mother has this friend who is like a professor 4 brain shit & shes a proud supporter of lgbtq+ everything

& like shes been wonderful. she supports me even if im 2 scarex 2 say stuff 2 her or cant text her bc i dont have her number angmkre & i dont want 2 intrude on her life

but its the way none of my parents believed her or took her advice on anything

shes my fairy godmother man like they will trust her w/my life if they got died gone but they cant take her advice w/something she literally has a degree in

& it SUCKS bc she believed in my mothers words about my father abusing her WHICH IM JUST SO FRUSTRATED ABOIT

i havent been able 2 talk 2 her bc of it man it sucks… also bc i dont have her number anymore haha lol lol ahaha hhh

& dude its like mutual abuse. my fathers a lot easier 2 b around than my mother most of the time but it flips so easily.

they both r just elly hard ppl 2 b around

i think i takw back that precious statement. theyre both rlly hard 2 b around

explainign the concept of racism 2 my dad is so difficult. bc he cant understand y asian like no-no words r hurtful bc he has an asian wife BUT THE MOMENT U BEING UP THE N WORD HE JSUT CANT WAIT 2 SAY IT 2 PROVE ME WRONG

LIKE DO U NOT UNDERSTAND THE SHIT UR SAYING

& HE JUST WANTS 2 TURN EVERYTHING IN2 A DEBATE ITS SOOO TIRING

like @ least my mother wants 2 hear me talk about my interests instead of telling me 2 shut up

like ik she guilt trips me but @ least she actually likes my company i think

idk man

i just want 2 have a relationship w/them but its so hard & i feel like giving up

my brother basically alr has but he has like, friends n shit dhjdksk

i dont rlly have other ppl like that((mainly my own fault im a pussy)) & it sucks bc i love ppl & man y do i have 2 have a brain that h8s me as much as my parents do

i just want 2 exist in my body & like laugh & smile & eat food a normal amount y is it so hard

y is it so hard 2 just talk 2 some1 when thats all i want 2 do it sucks

but 2mr is another day these feelings will pass & hopefully i will get better or some shit even if ive only been getting worse

this headache is making me reflect on my life man

got me cryinf & shit

god & i just keep thinking about laying in the hospital bed & the nurse telling me not 2 kill myself & her sharing a story about her brother & how he tried but lived & how hos attempt was much worse than mine & now i cant help but compare everything i do or think bc theres always some1 off worse than me stfu

like i will not attempt again ((until??)) @ least donald fucking trump is dead bc i will live off my spite 4 him

but oh my god i hope i can fix myself b4 then

mayb ill just keep setting goals of ppl i need 2 outlive bc @ least im better than them nomatter how much i suck

like jk rowling

is that how u spell her name i dont give a shit. but like i should just keep doing that? idrc how dark it is i just know ppl dont eant me 2 die even if i want 2 so ig ill do it 4 them

oh i just remmebered bing in the hospital bed & my mother yelling @ me then running out XDD im not ok dude that moment sucked that hurt so much & no1 even asked if i was ok mannn like ok let me dissociate on the bed while watching history channel whatever ancient aliens? ok let me just giggle @ this

YK WHAT SUCKED

Omg i couldnt sleep every in both the hospital & the pych ward bc i cant sleep if ppl r watching me

like if some1s looking @ me my body wakes up bc of just this fear instilled in me i suppose?

i think it happened bc of my parents

a mixture of bing forced 2 sleep in their bed & also my mother taken numerous pictures of my father ((& by consequence me)) 2 use as ammo agaisnt him

“oh he sleeps so much” “he snores os loud” “hes passed out drunk” like girl u have over a 1000 pictures of my dad just sleeping calm tf down

anyways i cant sleep if some1s looking loke the moment some1 opens my door i shoot up. which was useful when school tbh but i couldnt sleep @ ALLLL during the hospital bc theres a nurse there 24/7 & in the ward i got a roomm8 yk & the door checks

like ughhhhh i dont sleep well or long anyways unless i dont sleep 4 a while then my body knocks me out((which is what happens/ed)) but holy mollyyyy

i think existing in this world would b a lot better if i didnt confine myself 2 this house. if i like, got out yk? if i left it all bhind

which goddamn i tried like me running away was not a joke idk how ppl took it as that but whatever im so tired of just existing in here

like althoguh im in my safe cave((my room)) im always terrified of the next knock on my door or attempt of conversation

srsly if u want 2 talk or hang out w/me dont complain that i dont shut up u signed up 4 this shit U WANTED 2 HANG OIT W/ME

do u want me here or do u just want this idea of me 2 b here?? i cannot get over it. which fine if its a “i want 2 hear what were watching” situation but 1. subtitles. but fine fine i get it u dont like those so ill shut up or just leave

but dont complain when i leave

& WORSE

DONT B A HYPOCRITE & YAP MORE THAN I DO

watching fightclub was a NIGHTMARE bing told 2 b quite then hearing them talk 2 eqchother ot try 2 talk 2 me then when i would try 2 start a conversation it was like “oh mo we got 2 pause the show bc THIS is goinf 2 go on & on”

like ok goddamn ill shut up ig

i mean @ least when my brother watches stuff w/me ((which is not often)) he KNOWS ill talk. which is y he doesnt watch stuff w/me!! & thats fine!! WE HANG OUT IN DIFFERENT WAYS. like when he asked me 2 stick around during an oil change or when i talk 2 him when hes making food 4 himself like IS IT THAT HARD??

my brother is not a shining example of some1 who completely understand or is purely good. i mean in the car he will constantly say “jokes” calling ppl a slur then bing like “but yk i dont mean that in a bad way” like ok man whatever u grew up w/ny father i understand y u say this

i asked 1nce what the joke was & i think he like actually stuttered. like his brain had 2 load in a response bc it was just “what was the punchline?” “a joke doesnt have 2 have a punchline” “not rlly but most jokes r jokes 4 a reason. so what was the funny bit about that?” “it was just funny” like i dont think thats how it worksss

sigh but @ least their better than my fathers jokes. & my mother oh my god. her humor is literally “haha gangers wear their pants so low u can see their underwear”

& OHH MY GOD when my father tries 2 say we have the same humor

no sir we do fucking not shut the hell up. ive laughed @ 1 joke hes ever said in his entire life istg

he constantly turns 2 me & goes “how r u not laughing this is hilarious!” ITS BC WE DONT HAVE THE SAME SENSE OF HUMOR IVE BEEN TELLING U THIS

or mayb none of them r funny bc i can make them laugh but they cant make me laugh & its getting me rlly insecure

& oh my god if some1 makes 1 more fatphobic ass comment im going 2 send them 2 the time out corner I CANNOT

got in an argument about societies influence on whats “right or weong” & beauty standards came up. yk bc fatness doesnt equal beautiful or some shit like ok whatever i think theyre hot af but surr push ur views on2 me

like DUUDDEEEE trying 2 explain that sexiness is a person fucking opinion & not a fact just goes over EVERY1S HEAD

like hi. im trying 2 explain a concept & trying 2 b patient bc im basically destroying how uve lived ur entire life but pls listen 2 meee

4 some reason my family love 2 compare me & themselves 2 eachother & im so tired of that

i am not like u i dont want 2 b like u bc u make me so depressed i want 2 hurt myself 4 bing aeound u

when my brother compares me 2 our parents its in an effort 2 “change myself 4 the better” but i dont think this criticism actually helps me. it just makes me feel more like shit bc now i feel like im the person that hurt me so i hurt others & UGHHH its awful

my mother has compared me 2 my father in order 2 try 2 get me on her side. things like “thats what ur father would say.” “ur father thinks the same way” ect ect along those lines & its stupid & annoying & i h8 it

MY FATHER THO IS THE WORSSTTT 1 OF THEM ALL

he compared me 2 himself when its a positive trait & my mother when its a negative trait

“oh i 4got ur phone in the kitchen? haha u got that from me” “u 4got what day it is? u r ur mothers child”

“see ur smart & dont care about others opinions. u remind me of myself” “ur so sensitive like ur mother.”

“reading books & preferring physical materials? loving the library? u r my.. daug-child” “creativity? yeah thats ur mothers side of u”

“i like that we can talk about hard hitting questions during shows that dint distract us & let us dig deeper in2 whatever or smth.” “u talk so much. just like ur mother”

LIKE UGHHHH

ive only “rlly got 2 know him” in the oast 2 yrs bc b4 that he was rlly uhmm… absent? not gone but i just. idk he was much more of an alcoholic & seemed 2 care more about work then me

apparently thr thing that snapped him out of that mindset was when i told him i didnt have many memories of him

which

i dont

bc i just dont. unless its him bing drunk n shit & arguing/fighting like isk what 2 tell u

& OHHH my god im still confused about this memory i have bc 2 me ifs as fresh as daisies but my mother told me smth about thag night that i dont remmeber

in trying 2 incriminate my father she said smth WILDLY uncomfortable & now i have no idea if its true or not bc im sure its jot but what if it was & holy mother of jesus that scares me

bc i dont trust her but i want 2 & ik she cares about me but what if shes just trying 2 get me on her side BUT WHAT IF ITS TRUE.

that night was scary enough i dont need 2 think sbout it more mannn

ugh i h8 family vacations

like just any family outting. we got a flat tire bc father wouldnt listen when we daid “hey dont drive on sharp rocks” & then every1 got pissed @ eachothrr & then @ ME WHEN I TRIED 2 B OPTIMISTIC. then when waiting 4 a pick up 2 help us they got blasted drunk & my dad started hitting me in the fucking truck & when we got bsck 2 town my brother picked only ME up bc he doesnt care 4 my parents & he said i was the victim in that? sure whatever

but when my parents came home they started a fucking fight w/them while ienas in the shower so i got out & started 2 record the aufio bc i coudlnt rlly,,, like get out? my father threatening 2 fight my brother pushing him in2 corners forcing him out the soor my mother “trying” 2 make “them” stop but just making it worse bc again. victim complex she needs 2 b in the middle of eveything

& my brother just wanted 2 help me i feel so so so bad

the time when we were out of state bc my brother was moving away((has since been manipulated back yay go mother)) & my father fucking left my mother & i there. took the car & just drove back home. it wasnt the worst we had a hotel room & had a car but it still sucked.

we didnt have many vacations when i was younger bc my father was always working so my mother would take us places & honestly it was better bc she would always put on a persona like how she does when she works yk?

bit when my father would join 4 things like birthdays it always ended up in drunk fights & threats. even if we were bringing friends w/us on trips 2((not the birthday 1s))

there r times when my mother has gotten oanic attacks in the car from the way my father drives & i get like 2nd hand panic from that bc, ofc i do. & my father just gets pissed off @ her?? also my mother & i get vry motion sick so the way he drives also triggers that like crazy. but he gets upset when we mention it or constantly tell him 2 calm down bc if he doesnt stop switching lanes & taking sharp turn 1 or both of us will b throwing up.

& its usally me saying it bc im the only 1 who has the fucking balls apparently bc I DONT WANT 2 PUKE. & my mother cries so easily from him but she also abuses him & UGHHH ITS SO ANNOYINGLY COMPLICATIED

oh its also awful when my mother drives tho bc she drives drunk if were hanging out. like only if its me & her & omg i let her get away w/it way 2 much.

trying 2 convince her 2 pull over bc shes having a panic attack while shes drunk is not fun. on the interstate. its not fun.

like thats not all its just oh so tiring mann ughh woe is me i suppose

theres many times also when my father will just abandon 1 of us on the street. like ONLY if its only 1 of us in the car tho bc if theres another person they would prolly protest

ive been l8 2 school((& lost)) multiple times & man i got so many detentions bc i just couldnt wake him up which fair on that but god god god fucking damnit

just the power move of trying 2 get the other person 2 shut up bc ur having an argument by threatening 2 leave them on the side of the road or 2 not drive them somewhere or not pick them up is smth my dad consistently does 2 this day. not 2 me much anymore bc ive “learned my lesson” & i can usually talk my way out of it but he did do it 2 my mother like 2 weeks ago bc of such dumb reasons

it was so frustrating trying 2 express myself about trans shit & then getting like told he would force me out if i kept getting upset @ him so i just shut up about anything gender related until i was 18 bc that was the rule

& its useless bc i dont even have a say 4 myself still so who gives a shit i h8 everyhting it makes me so sad like y did i just let myself do that? y did i let myself intentionally get hrut?? bc i was scared?? i fucking guess. bc i wanted 2 prove myself? i had false hope. like its so frustrating

its apparently normal 4 families 2 fight but i dont like it. “ofc u would prefer ur friend u dont fight” like i think thats how its supposed 2 work?

then getting told “oh thats just how our family is. no1 would get us were unique were not like the other sheep families” like FUCK THAT i want 2 eat DINNER W/U

shout out 2 never eating dinner 2gether so when i did @ friends places i was scared & awkward

haha. fun. shout out 2 explaining im scared of helling but telling my friend im not when they do it then them telling me “thats not normal” i said yeah it is

i think about that a lot. bc i think thats when i rlly started 2 realize how not normal my family is. back in like elementary school.

my brother telling us his friends dont like them((our parents)) bc theyve been scared of them. like huh. when u dont grow up in a toxic environment ur able 2 tell when somethings toxic! go figure

& its rlly frustrating bc IK my parents r not inherently bad ppl. they care 4 us in their own fucked up way. they tried their best. they want the best 4 us & vowed 2 not let us grow up like them.

which, in a roundabout way actually did make is grow up like them but in like a different font.

my father has talked about not wanting us 2 b afraid of him bc he was afraid of his dad bc he would beat his ass. he didnt want us 2 worry about money.

but in a weird way that like, did make me incredibly afraid of him.

bc he worked all the time 2 get money, he was stressing himself out((& it wasnt just 4 my brother & i it was also bc my mother was pressuring tf iut of him & berating him about it)) but BC he was always working i never saw him. so when i did see him he was tired but he has insomnia & cant sleep 4 shit so he would drink 2 go 2 sleep

but he would drink a lot

but the drinking made him drunk of fucking course so he would argue w/mother & so eventually all i came 2 know him as was some1 who only yelled & fought

& that makes me scared of him.

hes forceful. hes self righteous. hes aggressive & if u dont think of him as right he will make u.

& he still is all of these things its just toned down bc hes stopped drinking as much. which has raised more probelms but i cannot b bothered 2 type them out hell no

but hes often told me that he fucked up more than his father. bc of the memory thing yk? when i told him i rlly dont have any good memories of him he broke down bc while he was scared of his dad, he still loved him & admired him. he had memories of his dad teaching him 2 fish & things like that

& i can tell hes improved as a dad i think. i mean im trying 2 b more supportive about it then my brother

giving him space when he finally gets sleep like,,, normal etiquette & also letting him vent 2 me or ask me uncomfortable questions. i try 2 answer them so he understands yk

i also try 2 push him 2 think himself tho bc he rlly just cant think outside of his bubble. like its extremely annoying. he will talk about how smart he is then say how the media is all liberal so he watches fox news 2 combat that like i get it i just want ppl 2 approve ur fucked up world view holy shit

but i can see him realizing like, what it is not 2 b such a hard person bc when i hugged him when he came back from a trip, he like, remembered

he was tired((3 days no sleep)) & just drove back but when he came home i gave him a hug bc idk, im a physical affection person & it kills me 2 b uncomfortable w/affection so ive been working on that. but also it just looked like he needed it

but he told me the next day about how much it meant 2 him so mayb hell understand?? sonething?? that i dont h8 him exactly,,, i think. but that i treat him the way i do bc of how hes treated me? & when hes less of a shit bag im less allergic 2 him?

idk that feels like how my mother treats him which puts a fowl taste in my mouth but i swear on my life its different. like i swear im not trying 2 manipulate him in2 doing what i want

which he seems 2 think i do try 2 do that? mostly in ways like of trying 2 make him think differently

which i will not deny. i would rather him not b transphobic & racist & whatever but hotdog its hard

this seems 2 b a common trait among all my family tho. when i try 2 explain a concept & then them telling me i got brainwashed by the media?? like mayb but also im not a h8ful person just bc of some1 existing so i think thats alright

its like the 1 point i can talk w/my mother tho. like its the only time she will listen. ALSO WHEN MY BROTHER SAID HE UNDERSTOOD THEY/THEM PRONLUNS?!?!? HOLY SHIT!!! i mean i dont use them BUT THE FACT HE ACKNOWLEDGES THEM MAKES ME SO HAPPY BC IT MEANS HE HAS BASIC HUMAN RESPECT

i mean did he out me 2 my fathers side of the family & now im scared 2 talk 2 them? yeah

but thats just bc i havent talked 2 them since i was in diapers & then when i did it was strange bc they were so normal ((minus the slight racism but they just,,, r white & live in utah. like seriously i like tea bc its good nor bc im asian & my hair is a natural color its not dyed. no u cant touch it???? no i dont speak asian wtf)) snyways but they did grow up mormon so hahah afriad

y r u as a man a mormon? u want more men? huh? is that it?

no but anyways yeah im scared of them. which is strange bc theyre rlly nice

but i think i just cant accept ppl in my family bing nice & accepting 2 me bc its rlly scary. like. i have cousins. i have fucking cousins & theyre younger than me & im scared of them

even on my mothers side im scared of my family

& its not just that but ive convicned myself that i feel alienated from them bc im also half asian so i just dont “fit in”

i dont. look like them. i dont have sinilar intrests im weird y am i crying

fuck y is it so hard 2 make human connection 4 me mannn like its rlly annoying i just want 2 b hapoy & talk 2 ppl but ive convinced myself every1 h8s me & my existence & that im annoying & irritating & have nothing if value 2 contribute 2 every so y would i bother them or any1 & i h8 myself 4 it so much

like no fucking wonder i like that fucked up fox boy sm r u shitting me. this shot stinksss mannn

& it also hurts bc my brother called me dumb 4 thinking like this bc hes never ever thought of it b4. which

fair enough ig

he doesnt care much 4 things like that.

but ig i just do

i think it all stemmed from my mother always pointing out im HALF asian like ALWAYS correcting me. & it just spiraled from there bc when i was younger i never even noticed i was asian yk what i mean? childhood innocence “i didnt see color” lol

but whenever i started 2 grow up & say smth like “its so strnage that ive noticed ppl dont eat rice 4 ever meal! bc as some1 whos asian-“ then she would cut me off & say “HALF asian”

& honestly it fucked me up 4 no goddamn reason.

like literally who cares. i say. as im crying tears. like i rlly dont understand y i care sm but it jsut hurts

like i dont feel whole. i dont belong in 1 or the other & its stupid ik but my brain still convinces me its true.

that bing said its always strange bc ppl consider me just asian. like i never had 2 clarify so it makes me wonder y my mother feels so vindictive 2 do so

like in 7th grade we were doing this gene thing. & guess what, the 2 asian kids were paired 2gether. so we basically just asked about facial features & based on the score we got we would b put in2 a certian number group

which makes sense ok its like basic understanding of how genetics works 4 beginners

but when calling the numbers, we both stood up 4 like number 13

& ONLY US

every1 turned 2 look @ us when a kid went “woah & its the inly asians” like ok lmao

but it just kinda makes me think about how no1 fucking cares that im wasian. im just asian & white. im both.

i am not a percentage of 1 that will tell me if im more white or asian it doesnt rlly work like that. u cant split me in half & say this is the white side & this is the asian side.

logically.

emptionally all that shit gets thrown out the middle bc of fuckign course ur half & half u twinkie bitch

i feel like ive lost the point of whatever im typing

it was noce 2 just kinda vent about it whicj i do way 2 often lol

will i post this? mayb mayb not. it is noce 2 post these tho bc 1, this is my blog its me. 2, it makes them feel lore real

like less imagination i suppose?

idk. wheneve i share these thoughts or recount these memories 2 my family it always gets pushed aside so i just kinda, want them here. ig

i mean ok i havent actually shared some of these thoguhts 2 them. like i mostly avoid talking about my od bc they dont want 2 hear about how they make me h8 myself way more than i alr do & when i even slightly hint @ that shit they press me more like “what did i dooo” like ok let me go down the list again

then jts the whole “prove it” like shit alright i have some recordinfd from thr last 2 hrs but thats it do u want those? no? u dont? bc they make u upset? ok

i got a christmas card from my grandma & grandpa & my grandma wrote about how she was interested in my like etsy store & wanted 2 hear morr about my adventures

which is crazy bc i havent talked 2 them since,,, shit like the last time i talked 2 them lol uhhh b4 they moved away. like way b4

but the fact that she remmebered is insane 2 me

its the same way i feel when my mother remmebers my favorite color is pink or when she knows i like tmnt

like when j started getting in2 comics & talk her about the last ronin & how i wanted 2 read it bc uhm guess who my fav turtle bro is. but i didnt expect he 2 remmeber snything or b interested @ all but she got me the whole fucking book

off of like amazing yk. but she saw that & got me it & thats insane 2 me

my mother often tries 2 buy back my affection which unfortunately works bc she actually lsitens 2 me

like 4 christmas she got me a new keyboard thats quieter bc ig she remembered whne i told her that my brither conplains that my keyboard is 2 loud @ night so i wanted a new 1 so i didnt wake him

& just

its things like that when ik she genuinely cares about me. like, how i remmeber her when i was younger, b4 she put on some sort of persona all the time

not that she buys me shit btw bc i rlly wished she stopped doing that but the fact she listens 2 me. like woah.

like she KNOWS i like flash & superman!! LIKE SHE KNOWS I LIKE THEM BETTER THAN BATMAN!! SHE KNOWS THIS!! i mean she cant rlly recall my favorite characters but i dont expect her 2 im honestly just super impressed he cared that much about my interests @ all

it makes me like glad. in a say like how my friends would remember my favorite characters. like when ie wtched toilet bound hanokokun i like tsukasa aka his brother fav character right there & MY BESTIE WAS ABLE 2 TELL THE DIFFERENCE BTWEEN THE BROTHERS BC THEY PAID ATTENTION 2 ME??

like they knew i love tohru from dragon maid & that i live snufkin so dearly they got me a silly gay ass moomins hoodie 4 my birthday

or that i called myself a dogboy as a silyl bht semi yk real bc haha cope cope cope & THEY GOT ME DOG EARS & I JUST

i regret so much bcoming scared of them

like i fear how bad of a friend that i am that i distanced myself from them bc im convinced they h8 me

but when i remmeber these things im like no obviously they cared enough 2 listen 2 u & also share interests w/u & hang out w/u on fucking skype & play ur games cause u played theirs & its so stupid im so stupid

im such an idiot i want 2 talk w/them again

theyve been my best friend since 4th grade ive known them since i was in 1st & they were the 1st person i came out 2 & when i thought i was about 2 b h8ed & casted aside they said no u idiot i care 4 u holy shit im an idiot

y am i so scared of them y do i not thijk im worthy of their time theyre my best friend i miss them

so much

i love them sk much & ive neve tild them bc ive been scared 2 say it 4 so long till this yr bc i genuinely love ppl & i want them 2 know i regret it so much

ive always been afraid of being close 2 them like sitting in the same bed or couch 2 watch a show bc ive always been sfraid o how bad i smell cause ive been told my entire life that i smell like shit bc i fucking do bc im 2 fucking broken 2 take shwoers ir properly take care of myself

but they wanted me 2 they wanted me 2 & i dont undertsnd & i feel so bad 4 not letting myself get closer bc when i ddi 2 another frind & they told me i dont smell like shit i dont know i dont knoww

i miss them so much ive hugged them like once & i want 2 do it again but i definitely dont deserve it after distancing myself like this

& it sucks bc this is exactly what my parents want man

they h8 their family & them bc they “changed me”

which rllt just means they made me more comfortable bing myself but whatever. they made me “loud” they made me “trans” ((even tho i came out 1st 2 them???” they r manipulating me & THEY STILL BRING THEM UP DISPITE ME NOT TALKING 2 THEM IN LIKE 7 MONTHS,, & that was just over text

i rlly miss them i miss all mybfriends but i dont think they should deal w/the baggage that is whatever the fuck i am mannn

i just rlly hope they dont think of me bc it will bring on bad feelings & i dont want 4 them

im sobbing way 2 much i started making sound

yk i was just quietly sobbing b4 but i started thinking about mt best friend & i just couldnt hold it back in this sucks

every since i considered them a friend my parents have been telling me how theyre awful & manipulate me

& how they dont like them or their family & i think its a pile of horse shit bc if anything were the manipulative bastards like tf & its partly my parents fuslt that i dont interact w/them bc i just cannot take my parents bing awful shit bags 2 them & their family 4 litterly just existing

i can take transphobia directed @ me whatever but the instant any of them being up them i lose it. i scream i yell i push away

like its so fucking aggravating.

i dont think theyre perfect. they dont think theyre perfect ik that. but the fact that my parents theink they & i do is SO ANNOYING

stop basing everything u belive in on fucking fiction, i dont live in ur imagination

i sm real. they r real. were ppl mot concepts u can play around w/& i cannot wrap my head around how that doesnt make sense

i miss my best friend

i miss bing a kid, but in the way i was hapoy bc i ddint understand or care 4 these things

now i can grasp them slightly better & my brain turns them agaisnt me & hurts me 4 no fucking reason so now i i want 2 just disappear & woopsie daisy fuck me blehhh

did yk i cant play muliplayer games bc they make me cry? i get so scared of playing w/other ppl that i start panicking & crying

but i played w/my friends bc they like multiplayers & they would accommodate 4 me & hype me up & i fucking miss positivity so much

bc like i would play like idv right? my im so insecure anout my skill & my friedn was higher rank so they used an alt account 2 pkay w/me even tho they said i was good enough 2 play w/their main

like its such a nice thing that i dont think theh noticed they said or did they were just. functioning as they normally did as a nice fucking considerate person & i crying iver it

im fucking crying

& i stopped talking 2 them bc im as asshole. & when i told them y i want them 2 stay away they said but ur not. but ur not ur just a dick sometimes & i want 2 cry bc wtf is the difference mann ejfjk what is the dofference

im so scared 2 reach out despite constantly crying out a call. ill work up 2 it i want 2 i need 2 i just rlly want 2. i just panic so fucking much i start crying like literally whats wrong w/me

whats the difference btween talking on tumblr & talkiing on discord/msgers?? what is it??? i dont know

my headaches gone down slightly now so im going 2 make food 4 myself

& prolly cry some more anyways