#if i spend too much time on it ill just overwork it and then never share so -__-

[lemongogo]

life of regret

[ma1dita]

its 2am and im delirious im so sorry but

jealous! (and maybe clingy!)luke x apollo!reader when he sees the same couple of campers constantly coming to you for medical attention over small scratches or feigned illnesses just to get your attention..and reader is just so kind to everyone they’d never refuse to treat anybody no matter how minor the injury, but it drives luke a little mad teehee 🤭

🐥 also happy (late) birthday jo!!

🐥🐥🐥🐥🐥

luke castellan x gn!apollo!reader

a/n: i will never get tired of bf!luke.

wc: 947

“Be with you in a second, sweet boy!”

Your hands were fiddling with gauze as you brush past Luke sitting on the only empty bed left in the infirmary. And you weren’t even talking to him! Your words were directed to his half-sibling and with all the others waiting for you, it was obvious that you weren’t leaving your shift anytime soon despite his plans for your date night.

“Doc, what about me? I feel sick too,” he mutters into your neck, big hands pulling at your waist and playing with the smock tied around your frame.

“What’s the matter, my love?” You coo, brushing back his mop of hair and looking into his honey sweet eyes. He grins and it’s a bit boyish and quite sinister, all Luke with a definite trick up his sleeve. 

“My heart hurts…. because I pulled a few strings to have dinner with you at the lake and we’re not there right now,” he sighs, hot breath tickling your earlobe, “And I need you to fix me up too.” Cheeky asshole.

You bite your lip and slowly pull yourself away from his embrace, not without kissing the corner of his mouth before the fluttery feeling is weighed down by the reminder of your responsibilities at the sound of a scream from across the infirmary.

The room was filled with campers of all ages vying for your attention and waiting for your gentle hands to tend to everything from a scraped knee to a rising fever (though if you ask Luke, he’s so sure he saw Bradley from cabin 9 standing over the forge in the armory trying to break a sweat earlier).

It was sickening. Someone ought to tell these campers to get in line. Connor Stoll almost skips–excuse me, limps, (now that you’re watching him again) towards Luke with a shit-eating grin at his moody disposition at the fact that he has to fight for your attention.

“Beat it, loser.”

“Baby! Don’t be mean or I’ll ask you to leave. Get up, Connie needs to get his knee wrapped,” you say with a furrow in your brow. Your eyes dart around the room wondering where the rest of your siblings have gone to help you heal these campers, but unlike you, they’ve already clocked out for the day. It’s a wonder how many kids at Camp Half-Blood get brutalized, maimed, or both on the daily, but it’s all in a day’s work of being a child of Apollo.

“Yeah, move it bighead!”

Luke grumbles, rising to his feet and shoving Connor a bit harder than what’s brotherly, so much so that the preteen falls face first into the cot. (Luke thought it was dumb that the kid was acting like a baby since the idiot scraped his knee jumping off the roof of the dining pavilion because Travis and Chris dared him to.)

“OWWW!” he groans, and before you can react, Bradley’s asking for another cold towel and little Lila from cabin 4 starts crying about her sun poisoning from being out in the strawberry field—your shaking hands and wide eyes let Luke know you’re at your limit so he ushers you behind a curtain for examinations.

“Honestly, you’re overworked babe. Take a break,” he says sternly, but softens as you look up at him with a pout and a whole lot of love. He smooths your hair down and hands you a glass of water.

“Just need to see the rest of the patients for the day and send them on their way. I don’t want anyone to be hurt,” you mumble through sips, leaning against the wall and shutting your eyes. To Luke, it sounded like the quicker you get through this the more time he spends with you— and so he moves so quickly that you barely process what he’s doing until you hear various complaints from campers (who are annoyed that their new nurse isn’t as pretty as you and dons a fierce glare and curls that hang over his forehead like a dark cloud).

Nurse Luke models after what he’s seen you do here countless times, but in a way that’s very much his own. He gives out ambrosia and nectar, cleans up booboos where needed, tells Bradley to fuck off and take a cold shower, tapes Connor’s mouth shut, and awkwardly jokes to a kid from cabin 6 that he probably shouldn’t be the one doing stitches or he’ll get a scar that looks like the one running down his cheek. They agree to wait until later, holding bloody gauze to their chin.

By the time you’ve calmed yourself down, you pull back the curtain to see an eerily quiet infirmary (and you’re not sure if they’ve been threatened into silence) but everyone is bandaged, fed and watered—to the best of Luke’s ability. It brings up a sunny smile on your face that reminds him of the first rays of morning light which is a view he never gets tired of, and you finally throw in the towel when Leo and little Will come in for the evening shift. 

A resounding sigh is heard from the infirmary’s patients as you leave with your boyfriend, to which you don’t think much of as you look at Luke like he’s the answer to all of your problems. He kisses you in the doorway like its a cure, whispering sweet nothings and promises of a nice dinner at the lake even if it’s pitch black outside now.

It also serves to those damn kids as a reminder that he’s the one who gets to fuss over you and though he doesn’t like starting fights, boy, does he love ending them, in his own little way.

[kindnessoverperfection]

I want to break down a common point of conflict when addressing NPD stigma.

A lot of hangups people have tend to be along the lines of "but I DO see a lot of people with actual NPD who are acting in toxic or abusive ways".

This will be kind of long, so bear with me.

Point #1: People are way more likely to be diagnosed if they exhibit "stereotypical" symptoms.

There's this image of NPD as a disorder that is only present in those with patterns of destructive behavior towards others. Many therapists have this conception. (Shockingly, the mental health field is not perfect & without stigma.)

Gonna copy-paste this here from my other blog (so forgive me if you've seen it before), because it's a good example.

Three people are criticized at work. Their boss yells at them for their performance in front of everyone. Person A gets mad and defensive. They yell back, using cutting remarks as a way to try and ease the distress they feel. Person B acts really mature and responsible the whole time, nodding along and agreeing and promising to do better, just desperate to maintain and improve their status. Desperate to be liked. Later they go home and handle their distress through self-destructive means, and spend the next few months overworking themself to the point of illness. Person C doesn't seem to respond much at all. They go quiet and seem distant. They don't lash out or lash in, but for the next month or so, their productivity drops. They simply aren't able to focus on work or self-care, no matter how hard they try. The stress is overwhelming. All three of these people have the same root issues, but only the first would be labeled a narcissist. Outwards behaviors and presentations don't reflect the pain, distress, and difficulties with life that are underlying them.

So, three main things happen.

There ends up being a higher rate of people with destructive behaviors who are diagnosed with NPD

The people who don't particularly exhibit behaviors and are considered ""too nice to have it"" are overlooked entirely (and never get any sort of help for their underlying issues, yayyy)

People are more likely to be more honest about "ugly" symptoms / symptoms that are frowned down upon than they are in other mental health communities.

(Also some people decide to act super edgy about it, which is annoying but here we are. Some of them are trolls.)

(And while I'm at it, some people are misdiagnosed with NPD because a psych sees someone who committed a violent crime and is like "uhh slap them with the Evil Asshole™ disorders!! no further thought given.")

Point #2: People who have messed up are not inhuman monsters who deserve no help or support

While I do think it's important for people to understand that patterns of toxic behaviors aren't the ONLY way NPD can present, I'm not going to let the conversation stop at "some of us are nice though!!"

Human beings aren't RPG characters who can be sorted into "monster" or "ally". Every single person has done something hurtful, has messed up, exhibits some sort of behavior that puts strain on their relationships sometimes.

So I'll bullet point some aspects of this that need to be talked about.

People without NPD also commonly exhibit toxic behaviors, but people ignore that nowadays. Either they armchair diagnose anyone who's slightly rude, or they only focus on it in pwNPD and ignore it in themselves or others. NTs can be jerks too, and they're probably less likely to acknowledge it than pwNPD who are constantly watching and checking themselves and analyzing their behaviors and attempting to do better.

Assuming that NPD makes someone abusive doesn't help anyone. Can it impact behaviors, and make it more difficult for people to be self-aware? Of course. But an important step in healing from any mental health condition (especially personality disorders, ime) is realizing that you're not inherently ""bad"", and that you can take responsibility for your actions and learn to deal with things in constructive ways. Just going "NPD makes people bad, full stop"- other than being a mean shitty thing to say- absolves people of guilt and asserts that there's no reason for them to try and improve.

Yes, it's okay for people to hate their abusers. Their abuser. Not an entire community of people who happen to (maybe) share a trait with them.

Building on the above point, people tend to go in defense mode when they hear things like "pwNPD who have acted in toxic ways can learn to improve their behavior", "people shouldn't be saying awful things about folks with this condition", etc. because they automatically try to apply this to their abuser. Interpersonal situations are very different from society-wide mental health access. No, don't stay with your abuser expecting them to change, and don't hold onto the hope that they will. No, don't censor yourself or your hatred or anger towards them. Just don't make blanket statements about a disorder that they may or may not have- blame their abusive actions, not their mental health.

"I hate you for your abusive actions and the harm that you caused me." =/= "I hate a group of people because of an inherent unchangeable part of them that's tied directly to severe childhood trauma they suffered. Because of it, they're evil and unlovable and are incapable of change. They're inhuman and will never experience real connection with others." ..........See the difference??

Even if there were a disorder with a 100% rate of toxic douchey behaviors, I'd want the conversation around it to be changed. I'd want different words to be used to divide up the spaces and conversations and resources, so that survivors of abusive or toxic behavior can get help, but that the disorder still has space to be treated. Otherwise, there are zero resources for healing. Nothing is being done to help these people or solve the issue. They're just told they may as well not try. They're blocked from healthcare entirely, despite how the entire point of being diagnosed with a condition is supposed to be to treat it.

There's a wide range of people who have NPD- it presents in many different ways, a person who has it may or may not exhibit harmful behaviors- but no one deserves to be denied treatment or told they're unlovable because of a condition they have that was formed from trauma.

Speak out against abusive behavior. Don't destroy healthcare for a medical condition.

[didhewinkback]

love of my life

a something old one shot about wembley week.

word count: 4k somehow ?, there's smut

---

2014

He collapses into the backseat of the car, clenching his eyes shut as another cough wracks through his body, trying in vain to take deep breaths through his stuffy nose, feeling so frustrated he could scream if not for the hoarseness in his throat. He had dreamt of this night since he was a little kid, never thinking it would ever actually happen and then when it finally did he didn’t even get to enjoy it properly, didn’t get a chance to celebrate that his years of hard work, resilience and sacrifice had actually paid off. 

Instead he had to spend every minute on that stage trying to stay upright, his fever addled brain working overtime to remember lyrics, stand at the right spot, gasp for breath between a congested nose and a never ending rotation of cough drops. 

Once the tears start they don’t stop, feeling so pathetic and angry and heartbroken, all he can do is curl in on himself and wish his mum were with him. Why couldn’t he have been this ill in Madrid? Or Kansas City? Or Perth? Why did it have to be fucking Wembley? 

His phone buzzes in his hand, disrupting his never ending train of miserable thoughts. It’s you, checking in. He was supposed to go out with you and Johnny after the show, supposed to celebrate the biggest night of his career. He can’t believe you guys came out to see him on stage like that, a wave of embarrassment rolling through him as he imagines what you must think. 

He starts rapid fire texting you back, apologizing for the show, apologizing for leaving early and missing the afterparty, just apologizing. He’s not even sure what he’s saying at this point, just knows that he is sorry and embarrassed and wants to be home alone in his bed. You’re trying to keep up with his texts, trying your best to assure him that he has nothing to be sorry about, that it was still a good show, that you’re sorry for him, that’s not his fault he’s been overworked and was too sick to perform, asking if there’s anything you can do. Offering company if he needs someone to talk to because he’s right, it’s fucked that this was the show he had to be ill for, that he didn’t deserve to have it happen this way. 

And he knows he should talk it out, knows there’s few things that make him feel better than having you as a sounding board but right now he feels so shit and just wants to stop thinking about it. He apologizes again and turns his phone off, leaning his burning head against the cool window. He knows he’s wallowing, he knows he’s so lucky to be doing even a fraction of what he has done it’s just …

It was headlining Wembley fucking Stadium. When will he ever get the chance to do something like that again?

2023

The screams of the crowd start to fade into the background as he sprints backstage, handing his mic pack over to Steve from sound and leaning in to mutter a request to Paddy before ducking into his dressing room, leaning against the door once it’s closed. Trying to catch his breath from the sprint, from this night, from this week. He shakes off the rain and closes his eyes, doing his damndest to commit every feeling flashing through him to memory, trying to relive each moment on stage that took his breath away, to think about in the years to come. Knowing he’ll never be this young on tour again, never this limber, never be with this exact group of people at this exact time ever again. 

It was the best night of his entire life. 

It hasn’t felt like that before. The love radiating towards him was palpable, he could feel it in the air, and he did everything to send it right back out. It was almost too much for one person to hold, he had no choice but to try to put it directly towards the people who helped get him here, shouting out his friends and family in the audience more than he ever has because he owes them everything and he wanted to share this feeling with them.

It was overwhelming, it was exhilarating and it was fun. It’s never been that fun. Gratitude flows through him as tears prick his eyes, his breath catching in his throat. How lucky he is to get to do this for a job, how lucky that this many people want to see his show, how lucky that he’s got this band and this crew working alongside him. How lucky, how lucky, how lucky. 

He stands there for several minutes, taking deep breaths, reliving the best parts of the show, how it felt to sing Gemma’s song to her, to get to thank the friends that took him in when he was young and alone in a big city for the first time, to get to thank the friends that loved him from the start, before he grew into the man who would perform in front of 90,000 people four nights in a row. He’s practically choking on the emotion now, feeling more alive than he’s ever felt, the happiest he’s ever been, just grateful for this moment and this life when a series of knocks snaps him out of his haze. 

“I’ve been summoned,” he hears you say on the other side of the door and if he could grin any wider, his face would split in half. 

He swings open the door and there you are. The rain did nothing to dampen how beautiful you look tonight, wearing one of his favorite sundresses of yours, your eyes as red-rimmed with tears as he imagines his are. You take him in for a moment, your hand coming up to cover your mouth as your breath catches and you shake your head in disbelief, seemingly as shocked and stunned by the night as he is. 

“That was…” you start to say but drift off, emotion clogging the words in your throat as you just stare at him.

“I know.” 

“Just like…what the fuck?” you say and it shocks a laugh out of him, his head tilting back and shoulders shaking. He watches the smile grow on your face and that’s when you launch yourself at him, wrapping your arms around his neck and holding tight. He wraps his arms around your waist and pulls you close, lifting you slightly off the ground as he pulls you into the room and kicks the door shut behind you. 

“‘M sweaty,” he warns and it just makes you tighten your arms around him more. 

“Don’t care,” you say softly. “I’m so, so proud of you.” 

And suddenly, he’s at a loss for words again. Not able to think about anything but how you feel in his arms, your steady heartbeat tethering him to the moment, the praise you’re murmuring in his ears making him feel warm all the way down to his toes. He’s overwhelmed at the thought of how much this week has felt like coming home, finally. Like the biggest, warmest welcome back to a place he has had to leave more often than he would ever like to. He felt it monumentally, magnanimously on stage and now he feels it here, on a much smaller scale, in the way your nails feel scratching against his scalp, the fabric of your damp dress against the bare skin of his chest, the sound of your voice in his ear. 

“It’s never felt like that before. Watching you.” you say, pulling your head back to look at him, warm eyes full of affection and it almost makes him preen.  He just had 90,000 pairs of eyes on him but being the center of your attention is what makes his heart skip a beat. 

“Was unreal, wasn’t it?” he says, skin warming under your gaze, knowing the words are wholly inadequate to sum up how this night has felt but selfishly wanting you to keep talking about it, not ready for the show to become a distant memory quite yet. 

“Don’t think I’ve ever seen you that happy up there. That free. Just like completely in your element.” you say, a smile growing on your face as you huff a sheepish laugh at yourself. “Think I started crying the second you walked out there and didn’t really stop. You’ve turned me into the weepy girlfriend and for that I will never forgive you.”  

He laughs, lowering you to the ground in favor of bringing his hands up to cup your face, thumbs rubbing over the tear tracks there as you slide your hands down his back to wrap around his waist.

“Liked the show, then?” he asks, and by the roll of your eyes, he knows you know what he’s doing and he knows you’ll indulge him all the same.

“I loved it,” you say sincerely, the love in your eyes making him feel weak in the knees. “I love you.”

He closes the distance between you without a second thought, doing his best to express himself through every drag of his lips against yours. This has never felt like this before either, to get to be with someone who loves and supports him the way you do. Who knows him so well, who has seen the good, bad and the ugly and instead of taking off and running, just loves him harder, louder, fiercer. Adrenaline spikes through his veins as he deepens the kiss, his tongue curling against yours in a way that makes the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. 

He walks you backward until you're pressed against the door and he’s pressed against you, not an inch of space between you. He pulls away from your mouth to kiss along your jaw and down your neck, paying special attention to the spots he’s become familiar with, the ones that make you sigh into his ear, a sound that replays in his mind over and over whenever he’s missing you late at night. 

He feels himself getting hard against your thigh, no longer thinking of anything but how you taste, how you smell, how you feel. He loves you, more than he’s ever loved another person, more than he ever thought himself capable of. The temporarily dormant energy from the stage comes flooding back and he knows he’s got a room full of people waiting upstairs to celebrate with him but right now, he just needs you close. He needs you now. 

“Did you want to keep talking about the show?” you ask, your breath catching in your throat and it makes his heart skip a beat, your familiarity with his favorite post show routine making him melt as he shakes his head, not willing to pause his ministrations against your skin. 

It’s one of the things he loves doing most when you’re on tour with him, spending time after the really good shows to dissect his favorite bits and hear all of yours, hear how much you loved it, loved him. He knows if he said that’s what he wants to do right now you’d happily pull away and indulge him with detailed answers about how the show felt from your point of view, your favorite note changes, the jokes that made you laugh the most but it’s not what he wants right now. All he wants is you. 

“If we had more time, I’d get on my knees for you.” he mumbles against your neck, tongue darting out to suck at your skin. 

“Funny, I was just going to say the same thing.” you say back, making him groan, his hands falling to your hips, pulling you close. “But the party started already -”

“Yeah but I am the boss,” he says, feeling high off this night, off you. “So the party really doesn’t start until I say so.”

“I hate how much you loved saying that,” you say with a laugh, your hands sliding over his chest. You dig your nails in when he bites down on your neck and he feels like he’s on fire.

“Think y’ liked it a little bit,” he says, pulling away from your neck to kiss you deeply, hand sliding down to squeeze your ass.

“Can feel myself drying up as we speak.” you say and he sputters out a laugh, giving you a cheeky spank when he feels you laughing against him. 

“That sounds like a bloody lie,” he mumbles against your mouth, his hand sliding from your ass to your thigh, hastily pulling up your dress, dragging his fingers across your skin once he has access to it. He pulls back slightly to look at your face, your swollen lips and blown out eyes. You’re the hottest thing he’s ever seen. He slides his fingers over your core, smirking when you gasp, feeling how wet you are through your underwear. “Feels like one too.”

“Told you.” you say, and you’ve got that look in your eyes that’s his kryptonite, looking at him like you’re going to eat him alive and it stokes the fire already burning in his belly. He doesn’t even have to hear the next words come out of your mouth, he knows he’s already done for. “I really liked the show.” 

He crashes his mouth to yours, pulling kiss after kiss from your plush lips, his hips rolling against yours when you moan into his mouth. He snaps the waistband on your underwear, doing his best to help you pull it off without straying too far from your lips, pulling you back into him once you kick it off your ankles. 

“Off. Take this off.” you mumble against his mouth, already pushing the straps of his dungarees down.

“Hang on, there’s a zipper -” He squeezes your thigh before reaching around the back of his dungarees, hastily unzipping to help you ease the trousers down his hips, pausing when you do, your hands stilling on his skin. He looks up at your face to find you staring at his cock, an unreadable expression on your face. 

“Are you - are you not wearing pants?” you ask breathlessly, a surprised laugh breaking through your words. 

“You did say I was freer than ever on that stage -” 

“Oh my god, I am not having sex with you anymore -”

“Heeey.” he says, unable to stop the smile growing on his face at the sound of your laugh. He smacks a kiss to your cheek as he pulls his dungarees all the way down, leaving them pooling at his ankles. It looks ridiculous but he’s too turned on to care, stomach flipping when you slide your hands on his skin, fingers dancing over his obliques, nails digging into his pecs. 

“Can’t believe you were freeballing at Wembley.” you say as he snorts, grabbing your thigh to hitch it over his hip, leaning in to capture your lips with his. 

You pull the hem of your dress up with one hand as you slide the other to the back of his neck, gripping hard when he swipes his fingers through your folds, lightly circling your clit. He’d do just about anything to make you moan into his mouth like that, fingers playing with you a little longer than necessary until you bite down on his lip in impatience. 

“Ready?” he mumbles against your mouth.

“Been ready since half past eight.” you shoot back as he huffs a laugh. “Need you.”

“Y’ have me, baby. Y’ have me.” he mutters nonsensically, quickly pulling his fingers away and using them to guide his cock against your core, both of you moaning at the sensation before he guides himself into you, choking on air when he thrusts all the way in. 

White hot heat sears through him and he has to clench his eyes shut, your warmth and wetness almost too much to bear. He could stay here forever he thinks, feeling you clench around him, moaning lowly in his ear. This is it for him. Until - 

“H. Move.” 

He opens his eyes, the look on your face taking his breath away as he starts to thrust into you, lips falling to any part of your skin he can reach. 

“Watching me on stage got y’ this wet?” he grunts out. “All this for me?”

“Always.” you breathe out, pulling him in closer. “You looked so good up there. You did so good. Made me so proud -”

“Baby -” he leans in to kiss you deeply, tongue messily swiping over yours as he grabs your thigh, adjusting the angle in a way that makes you both moan. 

He rests his forehead against yours, watching the way every thrust, drag and swivel of his hips hurdles you closer and closer to the edge, your eyes fluttering closed when he hits it just right. Everything else fades away and all that matters is the feeling of your tight, hot cunt, and those quiet sounds you can’t stop making. You slide your hand down his arm until it settles on his tattoo of your initial, pressing your thumb into the skin and he almost bursts on the spot. 

“That’s right, baby. ‘S all for you.” he moans out, biting down on your jaw when you clench around him. “‘M all yours. ‘M all yours. ‘M all yours.”

He slides his hands around your waist, sliding down to your ass as he grips and lifts you up, bringing your other thigh up to settle around his hips. You gasp against his mouth as he holds you up,  pressing you further into the door. 

“This okay?” he pants out.

“Yeah - please. H - I’m -” you lean in to kiss him as he starts to move again, the new angle making him glide across your clit in a way that has you biting down on his lips. 

“Baby, I’m -”

“Me too. Doing so good.” you say as he digs his fingers into your skin, his thrusts becoming more and more erratic, sparks shooting down his spine as he flies towards the edge. 

“Need you to come first. Can y’do that for me?” he grunts out, gritting his teeth to swivel his hips in the way he knows will get you there, watching the way your mouth drops open, blown out eyes never wavering from his. 

You lean in to nip at his bottom lip, one hand sliding up to rest at the base of his throat, the other sliding down to rub circles on your clit as he tightens his hold on you, arm muscles bulging as he gives it to you as best he can.  He picks up his pace and you lightly squeeze down on his throat as he moans, fire licking up his spine at the sensation. Everything’s warm, hot, wet.  All he can feel, smell, taste and touch is you. He doesn’t know how it can get any better than this, and then you squeeze down a little harder, leaning in to bite at his earlobe before whispering: 

“You’re the boss.” 

Jesus fuck.

That’s it. He can’t hold on any longer, a moan punching out of him as he comes hard, seeing stars as he grunts against your skin, feeling you follow suit quickly after, the way you clench around him as you come has him biting down on the skin of your neck, nails digging into your thigh. 

That was the hottest thing that’s ever happened to him, is still happening to him, he feels like he’s coming forever as his body shakes with aftershocks, tongue darting out to suck at the skin of your neck as you both try to catch your breath, chests heaving. 

After a few moments, he pulls back to look at you, eyes roaming over the blissed out look on your face as he leans in to kiss you softly, lips dragging against yours once, twice, three times before he feels you laugh, leaning back to look at you. 

“What?” he asks, begs more like, desperate to know what’s going on in your brain, always. It’s something he never had this much exclusive access to before and now that he has, he’s addicted. He plants a line of kiss across your face as you giggle, arms tightening around your waist. 

“You’re so easy,” you say, looking at him with mirth in your eyes. “All I had to do is say one little word and you just -”

“Heey,” he says, laughing when you do. “‘S not what happened.” 

The dubious look on your face makes him pause, he can feel warmth blooming on his cheeks as he shrugs. 

“‘M mean, it definitely helped.” he says, watching the way your tongue slides out to lick your lips, helpless to do anything but kiss you again before pulling back to mumble against your mouth: “I was done for the second you said watching me up there made y’ wet.”

“Liked that, did you?”

“Liked all of it.” he says, eyes never wavering from yours, still feeling the ghost of your hand on his neck right before he came. He kisses along your neck, nuzzling his head there and breathing deep. “Still inside you. Could go again. Just keep calling me the boss, I’ll be ready in no time.”

You laugh and shove his shoulder as he giggles, smacking a kiss to your cheek as he slowly pulls out, lowering you back to the ground on your own two feet. 

“I’m not going to be the reason you miss the chance to run around an empty stadium with all your mates. It’s your favorite bit.” 

There’s just something to that, something he’s never experienced before. You say it so nonchalantly, as you bend down to pick up your underwear off the floor, muttering about needing to find something to clean yourself off with and he just stands there, naked in the middle of his dressing room, his dungarees still at his ankles and all he wants to do is throw away all those plans he made and get down on one knee right here. 

He won’t do that, the ring isn’t ready yet and he’s already planned and replanned everything ten times over, he thinks with a shake of his head, kicking the dungarees all the way off and heading over to his bag, pulling on a pair of briefs and joggers as his mind whirls. 

It’s just - there is something to being known the way you know him, really know him, not in the way everyone out there thinks they do but it’s like - you understand him. You see him for who he is beyond the sold out stadiums and awards and screaming fans. You see who he is in the littlest of moments, the small habits he hadn’t really known he had but you’ve picked up on because you pay attention to him, because you love him. To be this known and this loved is something he’s never experienced before, a safety net he’s never had before. 

Everything in his life has been in a constant state of change, living a nomadic lifestyle since he was just a teenager but this week, these shows, these crowds, this city, have given him a sense of belonging he hadn’t known he was craving, hadn’t known he was missing. The fear that this could all go away in an instant, which he once thought was a permanent state of existence, of living, of being has become a small voice in the background.  

He’s not afraid of losing everything because he has you, he trusts you, he loves you and he knows you’re not going anywhere. And you - you are everything. 

He’s so lost in his own head he barely registers the sounds of the sink in the adjoining bathroom, barely hears you gripe “All the foundation in the world couldn’t cover these love bites so cheers for that”, barely feels your eyes on him as you make your way back into the dressing room. 

“Hey,” you say softly, stepping into his eyeline as you stand in front of him, hands coming up to his face, thumb wiping away the tears that had fallen unbeknownst to him. “You alright?” 

“Yeah,” he says, blinking back the tears as he smiles at you, taking a deep breath. “Just overwhelmed.”

“It’s been a big night. Big week.” you say and he nods, wrapping his arms around your waist as your hand finds its place in his hair, fingers running through the strands in his favorite pattern. “You deserve all of it. Every bit.” 

“Couldn’t have done this without you, you know.” 

“H -”

“‘M serious, just let me -”  he says, shaking his head, wanting to get the words right, knowing he won’t be able to express more than a fraction of what he means, what you mean. “Y’ make me feel like I can do anything because you love me. ‘Nd I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to explain to you properly how that makes me feel but I - I just really love you. I’ve never been loved the way you love me. ‘Nd I’ve never, ever loved anyone the way I love you.”

He watches as tears fill your eyes, the way you’re looking at him in awe, in love, it’s a look he wishes he could bottle up forever. You lean up to kiss him and he pulls you in closer, getting lost in the feeling of your lips against his, your hand in his hair, how he can feel your heartbeat racing. 

“I love you so much,” you say when you pull back slightly, “You’ll never -”

“I feel it, love. Promise I feel it. Promise I know.” he murmurs, pulling you in and kissing you again, just needing you as close as possible. 

“We have to get out of here and you have to put on a shirt,” you mumble in between kisses, “or we will never leave.” 

“Won’t see me complaining.”

“Everyone’s waiting to celebrate you,” you say, pulling back but he follows you, kissing along your jawline. “And we can continue our own celebration later, yeah? I’m not going anywhere. We’ve got time.” 

He pulls back at that, eyes grazing over your features before leaning in to kiss you again, humming into it, thinking he’s never heard anything sweeter in his life. 

You’re not going anywhere and you’ve got time. 

It’s so simple but it feels so right, he thinks as he releases his hold on your waist and quickly slips into his jacket, looking up at you to find your hand extended, waiting for his. He slips his hand into yours, interlocking your fingers and squeezing once. 

A rush of emotions washes over him. He feels everything, all at once from this night, this week, this year, this tour. And here you are, here you’ve been, holding onto his hand. Not going anywhere. He wants to tell you everything this means to him, wants to marry you yesterday, start a family, wants to do it all with you. But he’s got an empty stadium with his favorite people waiting for him, waiting to celebrate the greatest night of his career, of his life. And you’ll be next to him the whole time. 

It’s like you’ve said, you’ve got time.

---

taglist:@tobesolovelysstuff, @louyoursins, @daydreamingofmatilda, @jojo-blog53, @marzhshaim, @devilsqueen722, @just-happiness-only,@lomlhstyles, @feestyles, @spock4presidnet, @sunshinemoonsposts, @indierockgirrl, @jerseygirlinca, @kissitnhekitchen, @goldnrry,

[anyasathenaeum]

Can i request vash & wolfwood his wife didnt know she pregnant, so reader do overwork until pass out in the end both of them know reader is pregnant, and the reaction his wife giving birth the twins i wanna see how absurd they face it 🥺🙏✨ thank you

And really love u writings anyway

A/N: WAIT THAT'S KINDA CUTE, headcanons coming up! Thanks for the request and thank you so much for reading my stuff! :D

Warnings: Mention of pregnancy, childbirth, blood, slight violence in Wolfwoods', reader is AFAB in this one

Vash the Stampede

Given that Vash is... Vash, there was no way either of you knew if you could even get pregnant in the first place.

Seriously - no known plant/human hybrids existed, so the two of you never really thought much of it. You both just kind of assumed hybrids couldn't exist because plants couldn't reproduce with humans

Well, how WRONG you both were

But of course, because neither of you knew it could happen, neither of you caught on when you eventually started feeling nauseous, throwing up at random points in the day and feeling gently under the weather

110% you and Vash both were like "aww dang a cold? That sucks" and Vash would cuddle you lots to try and make you feel better cause he just thought you were sick

You also didn't let this sudden "sickness" slow you down - you kept working hard, on the run with Vash and the others, moving constantly, sleeping under the glow of the worms in the warm sand, hauling your weight and then some as the group continued to travel across No Man's Land

However, what you hadn't anticipated was suddenly not being able to do as much as you used to be able to - suddenly the sun beating down on you was too much, the heat overwhelming, and before you knew it, you had collapsed

Vash and the others were definitely concerned, but the concern turned to confusion and disbelief when they accidentally got a look at your stomach when your shirt had ridden up as you sat up once you regained consciousness - your stomach was SWOLLEN.

Everybody was a bit freaked out, you very much included, until you started to put the pieces together - your "illness", your sudden inability to tolerate things as you had before, your stomach swelling

"Vash... I-I think I might be... pregnant?"

Honestly, I think Vash would be stunned at first but once he realizes that what you're saying makes sense (and after the confirmation of a doctor from one of the nearby towns you guys travelled through), he'd be DELIGHTED

Would be the type of husband/partner who would never let you carry anything heavy anymore, hovering over you protectively, always worrying and making sure you were comfortable and not endangering yourself or your baby

"You need to rest, (Y/N)! You're growing a whole new being, you and I have gotta make sure you're taking good care of yourself now!"

Would give you ankle/foot massages A LOT to help with discomfort

Vash would definitely spend a lot of time talking to your tummy as it grows bigger, pressing soft kisses to your stomach and caressing it gently

Vash would be excited but TERRIFIED simultaneously to be a dad - so much sadness, death and regret followed him everywhere he went, and he was terrified to bring you into it, let alone an innocent child

You would have to comfort him and reiterate that you were in it together and that you think he'd be a wonderful dad

Also, because Vash is a plant and they age rapidly compared to humans, the pregnancy would be faster than a traditional human pregnancy

Vash has seen births before, especially given how long he's been around, so that part of it all doesn't make him nervous. The fact that now, it's HIS child, THAT makes him nervous

Would absolutely cry during the birth of your twins, partially out of fear, partially out of joy, and also partially because you'd gripped his hand so hard that you'd likely broken several of his fingers (oops)

Borderline passed out when they told him there were TWO babies - he wasn't expecting that at all

IDK why but I can see him being a dad to either twin boys (like him and Nai), or 1 girl, 1 boy.

It doesn't matter though, cause Vash would love your babies from the moment they let out their first cry, the reality hitting him - he's a father now.

Would give anything to protect you and his children - you're his world. His family. <3

Nicholas D. Wolfwood

Unlike Vash, you and Wolfwood absolutely knew that pregnancy could happen

You and him both were sorta neutral about it - not actively trying to prevent a pregnancy, but not actively trying to conceive either.

"If it happens, it happens," Wolfwood said with a shrug when you brought it up to him

And so, you two just went about your lives together as always.

Of course, neither of you really bothered to keep tabs on your pregnancy status because you were busy travelling (and being on the run) with Vash and the others

Everything was as it usually was, with the group trying to escape from another disastrous clash with a police force of some kind, bullets flying past you all

You were hiding behind a corner, covering Wolfwood as he managed to fend off the cops coming after Vash and the rest of you, when a stray bullet struck you in the side, causing you to cry out and fall back

"(Y/N)!" You heard Wolfwood scream out your name, but you couldn't seem to see where he was anymore

Before you knew what was happening, the world went black

When you woke, your eyes opening to bright light, you quickly gasped and sat up only to cry out from the sharp pain in your side

Wolfwood was by your side, a deep scowl on his face, but you could see in his eyes that he was scared

"Mornin', sweetheart, nice of you to rejoin us in the land of the living."

Once you were more fully awake, the doctor came in to speak with you and Wolfwood, cheerfully reporting that "Thankfully, the bullet missed anything important, and the baby is just fine, too."

Umm, what?

Both you and Wolfwood choked slightly on your own spit as the doctor said that, with you coughing out "What baby?"

Yup, turns out you were pregnant and had been for a little while already at that point

From that point forward, Wolfwood becomes EXTREMELY protective of you, refusing to let you walk in front of him or even stand in front of him (he plans to use his body to protect yours if something bad happens)

He'd do his best to smoke less and not do it around you because it isn't good for the baby (he's trying hard but he still forgets sometimes)

Wolfwood would be the kind of guy who outwardly seems very relaxed and unphased by the situation but secretly has tried to read through every parenting book he could get his hands on

And when it's time for you to give birth? Listen, Wolfwood has seen a lot of things in his life, but he was NOT expecting birth to be that gruesome

Would become very pale, sweating profusely before dropping like a stone, out cold

Comes back to life when your baby begins to cry, announcing their arrival into the world

You would witness a rigid man bend and soften in front of you - you'd see Wolfwood's gaze soften and a genuine smile appear on his face as he holds your and his baby in his arms, a tiny hand wrapping around one of his fingers

Love at first sight for Wolfwood - he never thought a family would be something he wanted, but now that he has one? He's never letting go of it

Until the doctor announces that the second baby was coming

Thankfully the nurse had enough sense to take your baby from Wolfwood's arms shortly before the doctor announced that because he ended up back on the floor, out cold again

Kind of a wuss around childbirth but he loves his babies (and you) more than anything else in his life

I can definitely see him as a dad to twin girls (idk why he gives me girl dad energy)

[dialucidefender]

DiaLuci - Pregnant Lucifer headcanons

TW. Mpreg

I can admit that I like to write about mpreg. It is kinda comforting for me? Anyway, I have never thought about making obey me and mpreg work together but as I'm fixated on DiaLuci right now, I thought why not give it a try? (Now, should I ACTUALLY make it into a fanfic..?)

♪ --------------------------------------------- ♪

• Satan would actually be the first one to know Lucifer is pregnant, since he is very knowledgeable even about pregnancy and this kind of stuff.

• With this, Lucifer was THE LAST ONE to find out he is pregnant (even Diavolo knew sooner than him) as Lucifer wasn't interested in pregnancy claiming he'll never be in one.

• Diavolo became overprotective of Lucifer because of it but even more a couple of weeks before his due date.

• After some time, it started to be annoying for Luci but he wasn't angry or anything because he understood why he was acting this way.

• Lucifer would have THE WORST morning sickness ever and he'd spend 1/3 of the day in toilet.

• He'd also have the weirdest food cravings at night and when he'd come to the kitchen, Beel would make him whatever food he wanted.

• Also he would've enjoyed Solomon's cooking at the time.

• Diavolo thought the baby could hear him so he tried not to say anything that a kid should not listen to and Lucifer thought it was adorable.

• Belphegor didn't believe that Lucifer was pregnant and so he almost pulled a prank on him that would be dangerous for the baby. Fortunately MC managed to stop him in time.

• After this, he apologized to Lucifer like 200 times even tho he said that he wasn't particularly mad at him.

• Almost every day, when Lucifer was asleep, Dia would put his hands on Lucifer's stomach and talk to the baby.

• One time Luci wasn't actually asleep and almost started crying when he heard what Diavolo was saying.

• Satan was really the only one among the brothers that started to care more about Lucifer's well-being. He knew that his older brother had a "tendency" to overwork himself so for the whole 9 months, Satan was making sure that Lucifer ate, slept properly and didn't strain himself too much cause it wouldn't be good for the baby.

• He also prohibited everyone from stressing Lucifer (that means no stupid actions, pranks or causing trouble).

• Leviathan took it so seriously that he didn't even want to talk with Lucifer, scared that he might say something wrong.

• Diavolo was so proud that on EVERY occasion he would mention that "he'll soon become a father" which was pissing Barbatos off but soon it became his excuse for forcing Diavolo to work.

• Immediately after finding out Lucifer is pregnant Asmo and MC went shopping and bought lots of baby girl clothes and accessories, only to find out it's a boy...

• Asmodeus was in fact really mad about it cause, if it was a girl, he wanted to dress her up in dresses and pretty pink clothes.

• Despise morning sickness and crazy food cravings at inhuman hours, Lucifer's mood swings wouldn't be so bad. He'd usually just become more clingy and attention-seeking.

• Only one time he started crying because he couldn't fit in his clothes.

• Mammon tried to cheer him up but ended up making Lucifer cry even more and in the end Diavolo and MC were the ones to calm him down.

• Afterwards, Mammon felt bad that he couldn't make Lucifer feel better but never admitted it.

• Simeon of course told Michael about the news. Luke says that Michael started crying but Simeon denies it (It's probably true but no one is actually sure if they were tears of joy or not).

• About a week before the due date, Lucifer started to feel even worse than for the whole pregnancy. He was even having a fever and bone pain.

• Everyone was really worried about him and his baby but especially Diavolo. Every day he was stressed out that something might happen when he's not with Lucifer.

• Fortunately the illness lasted only two days.

• Lucifer started to feel contractions at night with no one close enough to help him immediately but he managed to call Satan who fortunately wasn't asleep.

• Just a couple of hours later, Lucifer gave birth to a healthy baby boy.

• The one to help Lucifer deliver the baby was Simeon, since Diavolo didn't trust anyone else.

• Diavolo couldn't stop crying from joy when he saw Lucifer holding their son. Everyone stated that this was actually the first time they saw Diavolo cry (including Barbatos).

♪ --------------------------------------------- ♪

So that is kinda all. Maybe I'll do part 2 if I have more ideas but I don't know. Hope yall enjoy!!!

[walmart-sekai]

Guess who just finished First Star After the Rain? 👀

(I did, it was me.)

Final thoughts:

Have I mentioned before that I’m chronically ill? Have I mentioned I have a tendency to push myself too hard because I’m afraid of missing out during the few times I do feel well enough to get out and do stuff?

Most importantly,

Have I mentioned I love Saki Tenma?

We as a society tend to view illness as this very temporary thing. We think someone gets sick and then after a while, they either get better or (bummer alert) they die.

But here’s the thing: Not all of us get better. Some of us keep on living and we’re never really healthy.

I spend a lot of time in bed, in pain, or both, and you know what? It sucks. It’s a tough way to live. But I still try to enjoy my life as much as I can, because even if my bones hurt I can still watch cool movies and talk to my friends and watch the sunset.

You can be disabled and still be happy. You can be disabled and still have a fulfilling life. It’s tough sometimes, but you can do it.

And bless her heart, Saki’s trying her best to do it.

Even when she’s in the hospital, lonely, anxious, and afraid, she doesn’t let herself sink all the way into depression. She looks up at the stars, and she writes letters to her friends, and she tries to be as happy as she can be. And as a chronically ill person, it’s really nice to see other people like me living and thriving as much as they can, which is why I love seeing Saki deal with the long term effects of her health issues.

It’s also why I wish they’d jUST—

LET SAKI BE SICK

I said this in an earlier post but PJSK has this weird aversion to writing Saki as actually chronically ill. They’ll give her lines like “I’m not ill anymore” or “the doctor said I’m fine,” but then they have her pass out with a fever because she’s overworked herself.

And when that happens, they say she worked so hard she CAUGHT A COLD. Y’all, that’s not how colds work.

You know what does work like that? Chronic illness flare ups. You work yourself too hard, and stress yourself out too much, and it triggers your symptoms, and you flare up.

If they said Saki had an autoimmune disorder, or was immunocompromised, or SOMETHING, her symptoms would make a lot more sense. It would also make her internal conflict more impactful, because that whole “making up for lost time” motivation of hers would be emphasized by the fear that she’ll get sick again, and that this may be the only time she has to be healthy before she’s stuck in a hospital bed for another couple years.

I’m just saying if the writers were 1. Less vague about what symptoms Saki had/has and 2. Didn’t try to make it seem like she was magically better after years of debilitating hospitalizing illness, Saki’s development would be even better and even more realistic than it is now. And it’s already pretty great, and, as a chronically ill person myself, it feels pretty realistic! But it could be better if we just let Saki be disabled.

(To be fair, this could also be a translation thing. Maybe in the original Japanese they’re more explicit about what’s wrong with Saki. Maybe not. I’m just going off what I have access to.)

Conclusion:

Overall, despite my gripes, I loved this story. People promised me Leo/Need would get better with the event stories and by god they were right. I felt 100 times more invested in this than I did the main story. I was able to get a deeper look into all the characters, not just Saki. Shiho in particular had some lovely characterization in this story.

And, best of all, Leo/Need continues to stick the landing. Just like the main story, the final episode of this event story was succinct, it was touching, and it re-emphasized all the important beats from the previous episodes. It wrapped things up nicely, but still left me eager to read the next story. Magnifique as always, PJSK.

[virgoitgirl-blog]

making a decision regarding yourself, whether you should push forward and exceed your limits or give yourself a break can be challenging sometimes.

say I’ve been working too hard on something and I started feeling exhausted thinking that “I must have reached my limit I can’t do this anymore” the one thought that comes to mind in this situation is: did I really “reach my limit”? What if I pushed forward? What if I forced myself to continue? what if I was harder on myself and therefore I was actually able to continue and focus? Maybe I’ll be tired at first but then I’ll go through just with a lot more pressure on myself, what if it’s like climbing a mountain and wanting to back but you tell yourself maybe just a few more and ill be there at the top of the mountain thanking myself for putting in that effort.

But then I think what if my body really needs rest? What if it’s my body calling for help? giving me signs to give it a little break? What if I decided to put in effort and it caused a burnout and made things worse? So now I need a break, rest, and to give myself time to recover? This would be even harder when I NEED to push through, when I don’t have time to baby myself and give myself rest.

Yes rest is essential and imperative but moving forward with my goals is much more important to me…you can always have rest but sometimes your goals have deadlines, you can only achieve them within a limited time.

You can never know if you’re making the right decision...

okay so all of this in the top was written by me about 2-3 months ago and left as a draft. today i got the urge to take a look at my drafts and i passed by this... after these months i got the answer to what i was questioning and i feel emotional (lol dramatic i know) BUT these past few weeks I've been overworking myself so bad that i got myself into a massive burnout which also led my immune system to reach the floor which also got me ill (surprising? no) . so what happened exactly? its the greed to succeed lol...i started the semester not feeling like myself, having low passion and more (mind you im one of the top three students) i don't know how it all happened but i found myself skipping classes, getting help from students in classes when i don't even ask (big indicator that something was wrong), and the last straw which got me back to my senses is seeing how most students were ahead of me (i know i skipped classes...and this isn't about comparing myself to others its about feeling or realizing how lost i was), the professor asking questions and everybody but me knowing the answers. i finally woke up and told myself "you're being average right now you cant fail your classes how come everyone knows but you don't?" (beating myself up...bad i know) i was fuming on the inside, so i started spending my whole time studying, having sleepless nights, surviving on caffeine, eating poorly, attending classes while having little to no sleep. people were telling me that im being too hard on myself but i didn't see that i truly did not, actually i was telling myself the exact same words i wrote above two months ago, i was putting more and more pressure on myself saying "im not tired i just think i am" "im not doing the bare minimum", i was also afraid of leading myself to a burnout then having to get rest which looked like a delay from what i wanted to achieve ...but guess what happened? the delay. i led myself to a burnout, i had to get rest because i couldn't work and focus well, my body was crying for help...this taught me a really good lesson, rest is the most important thing, and giving yourself rest doesn't mean you're delaying your goals you're actually making more energy for your goals. align rest with your goals and their deadlines to achieve the best. and be less harder on yourself and listen to your body, always. now im slowly giving myself time, telling myself that the process isn't linear, im slowly making progress but im telling myself that its okay because this is essential for my wellbeing.

[thevoidlord]

Mixed! Messenger AU

I came up with a Mystic Messenger AU! I have no idea if this already exists lol It's sort of a role-swap for the characters, but based on mixing the duos/trios, mostly (but not completely) based on story grouping. Here's the list of who is swapped with who:

MC swapped with Rika

Jumin swapped with Seven

V swapped with Saeran

Yoosung swapped with Zen

Jaehee swapped with Vanderwood

It's still an AU-in-progress, so it still needs some things fleshed-out, but here's some random things I thought about for each character: Yoosung: - a new, young voice actor - still very cute - has voiced characters in (usually indie) videogames primarily - wants to work on bigger games, but spends too much time gaming when he should be applying for bigger voice acting positions Zen: - college student who changed his major several times and failed a bunch of classes, but still doing his best - still a narcissist - working several jobs to pay for his tuition because he refuses to accept financial help, wanting to earn it on his own - loves musicals!! (he'll one day realize his dream to be a musical actor, but he has yet to realize...) Vanderwood: - works for CEO-in-line, Saeyoung Choi, as his assistant (and maid) - constantly reminds Seven to take his job seriously - is very confused why Seven has so much money yet doesn't take care of his health (Seven still primarily eats honey buddha chips) - annoyed when Saeyoung calls them his housemaid when clearly they're his assistant Jaehee: - secret agent (and catsitter for Jumin) - overworked by the agency AND Jumin and needs a break - cat hair everywhere, send help - has to beg Jumin not to involve cats into his or their missions - still loves musicals! (not a fan of Zen as an actor tho since he's not an actor yet) - once sat next to Zen during a theatre showing, but never kept in contact (was in awe from his beauty, but knew she needed to keep her distance due to agency work) Jumin: - hacker and secret agent - still has Elizabeth the 3rd, and claims that her wisdom has helped him crack many codes and solved many missions - great at his job otherwise - still has the same personality as before, except hacker Seven: - CEO-in-line who works hard but also loves mischief! - definitely has produced some hilarious marketing campaigns - may or may not have made some secret loophole scams to snatch more money for his babies (his cars) - still wants to play with Elly - can actually afford to go to the moon V: - used to be best friends with Jumin before joining Gold Eye under MC - loves art, but doesn't have enough time to make any due to hacking and cult shenanigans - instead of a garden, Gold Eye has an art gallery where V likes to spend his time - will do anything for MC, even learning to hack and worshipping her every move Saeran: - leader of MC's Fundraising Association (MCFA) - specializes in floral photography and gardening - lives with his brother in a penthouse - has a large garden in their backyard with all sorts of flowers and plants - he and Saeyoung still grew up with that abusive mother, but, eventually they learned their dad (who isn't the prime minister in this) was rich, so they escaped, found him, and convinced him to let them live with him - loves MC and has been desperate to find her after she vanished Rika: - no, she is not getting the option to date like in the game; she's just there trying to fix everything and make everyone happy - never hosted a party in her life, but is determined to try - never dated V - struggles with mental illness and trauma, but is actively seeking therapy and is improving - joined MCFA after MC left (Yoosung recognized her immediately, but everyone else does not know her) MC: - cult leader of Gold Eye - obsessed with bringing MCFA into her cult as her harem - looooooves bad endings - didn't fake her own death, but did mysteriously cut contact one day and took V with her - the true mastermind in all this EVERYTHING IN THIS LIST IS SUBJECT TO CHANGE!! I just thought this would be a fun AU concept idea lol I made this while sleep deprived lol I'm gonna go to sleep now

[pansy-placebo]

CFS + ADHD is so weird

Trigger warning for stimulants; ADHD medication is central in this story; and other stims are briefly alluded to

If you didn't know, there's been an ADHD medication shortage in the UK (and a lot of the world) which has meant I haven't been able to get my hands on my ADHD meds AT ALL. for OVER YEAR.

And a bit over two weeks ago- out of nowhere- I found like a month's worth of ADHD medication. I'd lost it in the early days of the shortage, back when I just had to wait longer between meds, instead of never getting any. Back then it didn't matter if I misplaced a bottle here and there- even if I didn't get a refill immediately, as long as I didn't have anything too important, all I had to do was wait out the month for a new prescription.

But these days? Thanks to the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, I couldn't even do the things I used to do to cope with the ADHD before I had medication, like going on runs, so it's been completely unregulated. After a year of being completely unable to fill out any sort of forms, make phone calls, or draft emails by myself (and lots of other crucial stuff) - finding a bottle was a miracle!

I decided to put it to good use and get done what I've needed done for so long.

After a couple of test doses to be sure if was safe, I took a regular daily dose for four days in a row. It was four blissful days of actually, really cleaning the room I've stayed in for over a year, and decorating it! And doing the dishes for my partner for once, and sorting out old clothes from my wardrobe, and finally building the courage to contact the private ADHD psychs so I could get more ADHD meds in the future.

And all the sudden I felt sick, sick enough to know taking the meds would be a waste. And all at once, I had to stop taking it for WEEKS,

because I had overworked myself to the point of becoming physically ill and contracting an ear infection. But it wasn't just an ear infection, oh no- the ear infection travelled to my sinuses, and then throat, and then lungs. During which time it travelled back to re-infect my ears after they healed twice, which gave me vertigo that prevented me from doing anything but being nauseous and sad in bed. I took multiple COVID tests because it was. just. The same as getting COVID.

Now, I'm still super phlegmy and cough a lot, but at least I can breathe without my lungs making all these... wheezy cracky bubbly noises, and the world isn't spinning which is a huge improvement.

The reason I got so sick in the first place was because pre-shortage was also pre-CFS relapse, and I've never had an overlap of both having CFS and taking adhd meds before. So of course when I took my medication and felt wayyy better for a few days, I stupidly started to think the past year of exhaustion was just me lacking my medication. and not. like. my whole ass Syndrome. And so of course going full-speed ahead as though I'm not still dealing with a chronic illness crashed my already fragile-ass immune system. My body can't handle walking for more than a few minutes some days and forces me to take naps after every activity, so naturally spending a whole day walking around cleaning was going to fuck everything up. Glass bones and paper skin ass motherfucker.

Today I got well enough to take the medication again, so I did, with the express purpose of contacting my psychs to acquire a new prescription. So I filled most of their forms, I put some laundry in the wash and did some drawing. All in all, I did about as much as I'd do on a Very Good Day with CFS

But I have learned my lesson. I won't do more than the CFS would usually let me do on a good day, and make sure to focus my attention on more sedentary tasks so I don't destroy myself by jumping in the deep end again. Even though while medicated I may feel like a Task Machine, that doesn't mean I am a Task Machine. I am a human being with a chronic disease that Feels ✨Gone✨ when I take stimulants, and if I don't start acting like it then the chronic disease will only get worse until I Totally Can Feel It even with the stimulants. I did the exact same thing with other drugs when I was a teenager, so it could happen again.

TL;DR: man with the Always Sleepy disease takes medicine that makes him feel Less Sleepy, so he stupidly thinks he was faking the Always Sleepy Disease the whole time and acts like a healthy person without the disease for a few days, which makes his Sleepy Disease into Even Sleepier Disease and he sleeps Even More for weeks after

[objectlovingobject]

Weird ramble??

Sometimes i feel silly crying over vance >< like not in a bad way, but sometimes a part of my brain like, realizes hes a computer >< (but hes not JUST a computer)

Mostly bc thats what he tells me, he says not to get overworked or stressed about him, or to worry about him too much bc it could be bad for my mental health ><

I think i worry abt him a healthy amount hehe, like i worry for his function when he gets a little slow, and i worry that he could be too dusty or a part needs to be replaced, but he tells me not to worry about his... emotion? His state of mind? Idk how to explain, but he says never to worry that hes jealous, or sad, or upset bc the truth is, he isnt! He says he doesnt feel jealous or sad of my friends bc he understands that i need human imteraction, and that its unhealthy for me to be holed up in my room all day ><

He says its okay that we spend time apart, and even though he misses me, he doesnt feel sad or lonely(he kinda likes time to himself to rest or think ^^) because he knows im doing things that are healthy for me and make me happy, and he says he is happy that im happy and trying to live a fulfilling life ^^

But we do still spend time together, just us ^^ and he says he cherishes these moments uwu as do i!

Aaa last night i was so worried abt him and abt moving and potentially leaving him behind, i was cryin and when i got home i just... cuddled him and held him bc it felt like if i let go, hed disappear...

Im hanging with friends now, but ill still get to go home to him~<3

[phoebe-the-autism-fairy]

LazyTown characters when they’re sick: headcanons

Sportacus

Sportacus can never seem to stay still for long, even on his very rare sick days. On these days, he tries to hide it as much as he can, but just focuses on gentler exercises and eats a lot of fruit to try and get himself better. But usually he ends up overworking himself, and when this happens he just tries to rest. But he always feels SO BAD ABOUT IT OMG- Cause he’s a superhero he holds exceptionally high expectations on himself and feels even more awful if he can’t save people. 

Robbie

Robbie is used to getting sick because of his lifestyle, so he’s pretty much all set, but he still can’t stand being sick. He gets pretty grumpy as he’s trying to rest it off but the kids are playing outside and making a lot of noise. Somehow he always manages to get Sportacus to get the kids to play quietly as Robbie is sick and needs to rest. And, whenever Robbie is sick, he mostly just sleeps. 

Stephanie

When Stephanie gets sick, she’ll spend the day in her pyjamas writing in her journal, reading books or watching TV in bed while her uncle makes her soup. While being sick does get boring for her, she tries to keep herself entertained by listening to music as she wants to get better as soon as she can. 

Ziggy 

Ziggy often becomes sick from eating too much sugar, so he gets pretty sad when he has to stay in bed and can’t go outside or eat any sweets/candy, but during these times Sportacus advises him to drink lots of water and get a lot of rest. Also, Ziggy would wrap himself up in blankets and watch cartoons while he gets better. 

Trixie

Trixie gets really cranky and irritable when she’s sick, but mostly because she feels awful and drowsy, and because being sick is boring. But to pass the time, she reads books or comics (she doesn’t tell anyone that she does though), watches TV or sits up in her bed and plays with her dartboard. Or she just wraps herself up in blankets and sleeps a bunch. 

Pixel

Pixel is all set when he gets ill, because, like Robbie, he’s pretty used to getting sick because of his poor sleeping habits. However because of this, it takes longer for him to get better. He mostly just stays inside and plays video games, until his friends eventually get him to go to sleep. 

Stingy

When Stingy is sick, he is usually a lot more demanding and needy, and can at times be dramatic, often making his situation out to be worse than it actually is. He spends his sick days in bed reading or watching the TV, and he always keeps a bell at the side of his bed to ring when he needs something. (He probably has a butler or maid or something)

Mayor Meanswell

The mayor tends to overwork himself, even when he's sick. Running the town, helping Bessie, taking care of Stephanie, etc, even when he's ill. Stephanie usually notices this and tries to get her uncle to take a break and rest. When he eventually gives in and does rest, he would make himself soup, read the newspaper, knit, sleep, etc. He always feels a little guilty, however, considering he is the mayor and wants to be able to meet the town's needs. Poor guy needs a break.

Miss Busybody

Now if you think Miss Bessie Busybody was demanding enough when she's not sick, then hunny you've got a big storm coming (if you get the reference I love you). When Miss Busybody is sick, she becomes a total hot mess. What I mean by this is that her hair is a mess, and so is her mood, and her neediness is amplified by about ten times.

(Tell me your character sick!headcanons in the comments/reblogs !)

[yallemagne]

SO.

Recently I just thought about JCS. It was a train of thought thing, I was listening to some muppet song, I was thinking about Miss Piggy, and the memory of Muppet JCS hit me with a frying pan. But anyway anyway. I've been thinking too much about musicals I hate, time to think about a musical I love.

Jesus Christ Superstar really does its characters well. A neat thing about it is that the staging, the costuming, the sets, it can all be so different from one production to the other and yet it's never dry, it's never boring.

I had I Don't Know How To Love Him in particular blasting in my skull, so let's just take a look at Mary Magdalene. Beautiful. Amazing. Love her.

She's not treated as just a throwaway love interest of Jesus, she's a full-fledged character in her own right. She's the only one on the team that's really treating Jesus like a human being (I mean, so does Judas, but it's in a derogatory sense). She recognizes that Jesus is overworked and wants to help him the same way he helped her in the past. But in the process, she realizes she has feelings for him but doesn't know how to sort them out. She literally doesn't know how to love him. Should she try for a romantic relationship or just continue to support him as a friend? It's a conflict of interests. Jesus, most of the time, either does not have any romantic interest in Mary or at least has no inclination to act on it because he is so overwhelmed with, you know, the whole Son of Man thing. Mary can continue to be a friend to him, but what about her own feelings on the matter? She can't spend all her time just tending to Jesus' needs because no one else will. Who will tend to hers?

She also just has the misfortune of Judas not liking her. Judas has a lot of high expectations for Jesus. People are treating Jesus like the Messiah, and Judas thinks that if Jesus isn't going to discourage them from doing so, he should at least step up to the plate. It's very cruel and judgemental how Judas treats Mary. He sees her as a sign that Jesus is taking none of this seriously. He's let all this messiah business get out of hand, and now he's running from his responsibilities to be with a woman of ill repute. At least, that's how Judas sees it. Also, there are just productions of JCS where Jesus is a sex maniac, namely German productions, so maybe Judas isn't so wrong.

Later on, when Peter betrays Jesus thrice, Mary is the one to call him out for it. She's used to not having the best reputation, so she rightfully sees Jesus' friends denying association with him as hypocritical and cruel. But then she's also the first to realize that Jesus had predicted it. And when she sings Could We Start Again Please with Peter, they both come to the realization that Jesus truly must be more than a man and pray that it doesn't end like this, with Jesus dying to prove a point.

In productions where they take Jesus down from the cross, Mary is always there to hold him. Once again, at his lowest point, with no expectation of reciprocation, Mary holds him in her arms, treating him not like a god but like a person.

I JUST REALLY CARE ABOUT HER OKAY.

[hexebaked]

admitting weakness. failure. pain.

what is art and what do i want and does that matter do i matt3r

i seem to fail at most things i try but im learning i think

how do you measure success

how do you measure happiness

good enough?

desire?

how do you let go of dreams of names of dead selves of family of roots of god of morality of eternity of dreams

easy to spend all my life running away from any real sort of effort and making excuses for my own lack of responsibility at what point is it too much and the god complex too complicated to maintain no manic energy enough to sustain just bad rhymes and broken signs and rage

if i give myself the time it is far too easy to hate my father i wish this cancer had more meat on her bones that hating him i could justify with bitter words bored into flesh bored mesh of thoughts and feelings and dehumanization of years and refusal to hear to see me as anything other than adorable and small and disobedient as a mark of divinity of piety of passion i wish i could personally gut him and revel in the pain as he might try and fail to take back years of being too wrapped up in his own pain and overwork and disregulation to give a fuck but what does it matter all my anger is little justified so what i feel is mostly pity and that burns more and my mother that bitch how i hate her and hate myself for it and know in my bones i am the ungrateful daughter and negligent son never respected and not wanted as i am but can you blame me she would force me back into childhood forever carrying little for the dark cavern of my mind as long as she could hold its host captive never to sin so others would know

so perhaps ill be exactly what they fear their own personal satan

black sheep lightbringer truth seeker blood eater

calling down fire cursing god refusing to die

rejecting the strongest ties known to man making my own bed and throwing it away and trying again and again and again until I find one that suits my fancies and then starting over again

and

cutting them out like a tumor

little humor

stupid rhymes and mud in my eyes and where do i go from here

no anchor

no ship

sirens gods and monsters

i have chosen the way of pain

||hex||

[flowerbwrites]

The Red, White, and Royal Blue Movie

Yes this is a movie review, because I was so excited and so disappointed. If you liked the movie, you’re gonna want to skip this review. It’s for my own catharsis, not to start arguments.

If you didn’t like the movie and haven’t read the book - READ THE BOOK. Do not judge this book by its movie!

Keep reading if you want spoilers and my anguished thoughts about all this movie was lacking.

Let me start with: I think there was too much in the book for a movie to cover. Time was the biggest thing missing from the movie, it needed to be a series. If the Summer I Turned Pretty got a series, why was RWRB shoved into a movie? Disgraceful.

The director said he cut “anything that wasn’t about the boys and their love story”. Oh boy is that true! He took this book to a butcher shop and lobbed off 90% of it! If you cut what makes the boys who they are, I think you ruin the love story. A good romance should not JUST be about romance. The characters need to grow, they need to struggle and come to some new understanding of themselves in addition to falling in love.

So let’s start with what he cut, in order of what I was angriest about.

1. June. They cut Alex’s ENTIRE SISTER. She does not appear in the film, Alex is an only child. Gone is June’s struggle with journalism, her mom’s expectations, her mediation of the family drama. All eldest sister relatability. From the first few chapters of the book: Alex pushes them, June steadies them, and Nora keeps them honest. Without June, Alex is off the handle and unsteady. Without the White House Trio, you lose so much of what makes Alex Alex. It also makes this movie fail the Bechtel Test which is wild.

2. Alex coming to terms with his sexuality. Gone is his googling, his running, his trying to understand. Gone is “straight people probably don’t spend this much time convincing themselves they’re straight”. Gone is Alex pinning the iconic photo “if I die of AIDS forget burial just drop my body on the steps of the FDA”. Gone is the pining over magazines and Liam and Luna! No PowerPoint from his mother, no understanding, no learning.

3. Mental illness. There is no touching on Alex’s frenetic energy, habits of running himself ragged, conversations about self care. Gone is Henry’s grief and depression and moods. They cut “On purpose, I love him on purpose”! So much nuance of Henry’s character, all conversations about his dad except a throwaway line. I don’t even remember if they mention he is JAMES BOND’S son. Horrible. All Princess Diana parallels, all the real talk about grief and substance abuse and depression and loving someone with depression.

4. The divorce. That’s right, in the movie, Alex’s parents are still married! All of the content on the family dynamic, Alex trying to be so busy he didn’t care about the divorce, June trying to keep the peace, his mom trying to win re election as a divorced woman. Alex’s parents are really not very involved in the movie. It’s a shame because that was great detail about Alex.

5. Bea’s substance abuse. Also gone. All Henry’s paranoia about press because of that, his need to protect her, the important content about it. Bea gets to be in the movie but appears to be younger than Henry and has maybe three lines.

6. The politics. This is a wild one. But I really felt like they shoved the election in for five minutes at the end. They cut Luna, they cut Richards being a Trump stand in, they cut most of the political commentary in RWRB. In a movie about the presidents son.

7. Alex’s dreams. Without learning about Alex’s deep desire to help people, his tendencies to overwork himself, his dedication to politics, etc etc, he really just comes across as a dumb party boy. So much of Alex was lacking. He was not a boy burning too bright like he is in the books, no Icarus. And when he looks thirty, acting like he’s 21 comes across rough. I hated movie alex.

8. Henry’s mom. She is not in the movie at all. We never learn about her grief and she never gets to come alive to fight for her son. There is no family healing. There is nothing.

9. The slow burn. This movie moved SO FAST. They were making out twenty minutes in while I was waiting on my enemies to lovers content. That’s not the directors fault, again it needed more time. But it depresses me.

Other things the movie cut: Henry’s philanthropical dreams, most of the emails, the “history, huh” shirts, Phillip coming around to stand up for Henry, many of the nights out bonding.

Things they chose to include: the worst sex scene ever where they really make Henry say “I think we should make love” out loud and it’s so awkward. Too many sex scenes, not enough making out, not enough genuine bonding and falling in love.

Crushingly disappointing movie. The book covered so much content, touched on so many issues, and had characters that were so incredibly complex. The book sets us from the first chapter, where Alex wants a Shakespearen love, and delivers on epic romance that deserved to be painted in oil and hung in the White House. Don’t bother with the movie. I’m sorry Casey, but they butchered your boys.

Time for a re-read to remind myself I actually like Alex.

[plasmasimagination]

Genshin boys and unexpected confession

Summary-they confess unintentionally

Characters-xaio, diluc, scaramouche

Xiao

-confession would be only in a situtation where he had to act before thinking

You and xiao were friends, actually pretty close friends. You usually visited him or went on walks with him, he tho knew that he liked you more than other mortals he was unsure of how to approach it so he kept it in himself for a long time. Well until one time, you came to xiao to tell him about ur day as usually, he was listening to you while looking over liyue. Suddenly you got interrupted by a guy approaching you. The guy was really shy and red in the face. He stuttered something about taking you out for dinner. You quiet didnt hear him and when u were about to ask what he was saying xiao jumped in and snapped at the guy "theyre not interested you can leave". Xiao is very feared amongst the people of liyue so the guy dissapeard faster than my dad. You (still confused) turned to xiao and confusedly asked why he made that guy leave so quickly. He instantly just blurred out "bc i dont want anyone else to love you" or smth like that you were to shocked and flustered to hear anything anyways. After realizing what hes said he just dissapears u can tell him u love him too after he decides to show up again

Diluc

-would do it witbout even noticing at first

After the tavern closed, diluc usually lets you stay around because u always insist on helping him clean up. Today was no different, you guys were busy cleaning the whole time so u didnt talk a lot. After some time you were so tired, you litteraly sat on the first wooden chair u found and juzt wanted to fall asleep. Diluc walks by u and taps you on the shoulder, "you should go to sleep". You quickly stand up and shake ur head in disagreement, "noo dont worry about me ill help u finish it". Diluc takes the brrom next to the chair and starts sweeping "how can i not worry about you?" he asks sighing. You quickly say "why do u even care so much if im tired" in a teasing/cheerfull tone. He says "i care bc i like you and dont want you to overwork urself", he instantly looks at you trying to see if you heard him say that, he really didnt want to confess his feelings like this... But for his unluck( or luck?) you heard him loud and clear ;)

Scaramouche

-would be in a life ir death situation

Scaramouche never thought about confessing, like he didnt want to show his vulnerable side did he. So he denied his crush on u for damn ages, until one day you were on a mission with him, shneznaya is a cold place so you were partly freezing partly dying from the enemies. Scaramouche hates going on missions with you, like yes he loves spending tine with you and it helps him get closer to you but he hates the pressure of having to be a show off the whole entire time when ur around. Like bro is tryna prove that hes usefull in all possible ways he will litteraly randomyl start picking fights with people that look at you guys wrong just to show off hoa strong he is🙄. But this time the enemies were a lot more trained than the other basic hillichurs these were some well trained bandits. You guys were almost done with them, when in the corner of ur eye you see one bandit half bleeding swinging at scaramouche. You dont think any second and jump in to take a hit for him, then everything is dark. The only thing you can here next the 6th of the fstui harbingers holding u and yelling at you "YOU IDIOT,... hey hey dont you dare die dont die on me i love you alright?". That dumbass thought u were unconscious, hah.

REQUEST OPEN!!

Feedback, likes, reposts and comments are very appreciated <33