#if i make a fool of myself who cares!!!
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LIV!! Im so proud of you and super excited for you about your acting classes! I really hope you have a blast with them, I know you’re gonna be absolutely amazing!! 🫶🫶🫶
JOCELYN!!! this is so sweet, thank you so much!!! i just keep getting more and more excited!!! i think it's gonna be a lot of fun, the coach seems really cool and i'm so ready to give it a go!!! i can't wait to update you after!!!
#im going in with an open mind and a willingness to do basically anything#i'm rlly over being nervous about being embarrassed or vulnerable i just don't care anymore u know!!!#if i make a fool of myself who cares!!!#i paid for the class and i'm gonna get my money's worth!!!#and i think that'll make it even better :)#I'LL POST ABT IT AFTER I GO I PROMISE!!! :)#ask liv#jocelynships#jocelyn tag#sweetness
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Not sure if tumblr is the least embarrassing social media to essentially be talking to one’s self or the most 🤔
#I go back and forth on this one lol#I feel like Instagram stories are the least embarrassing because Insta notifications are somehow less noticeable and often don’t work lol#Like yeah I can see who’s seen it if I care to look but I don’t#but like getting crickets on tumblr? The social media for outcasts and weirdos? EXCRUCIATING#Like I just live in a constant state of embarrassment these days because I’m making a fool of myself publicly over and over and over but…#I keep posting lol maybe I should just stop using the tags so I don’t bother other ppl?#My biggest fear is being annoying 😅#(I’m being dramatic because it’s nearly dinner time and I haven’t eaten in a few hours :P)#stuff and nonsense#anyway this is why I keep making new blogs lmao
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Last post before I crash and no-one hears from me until I return from my first final the morrow’s eve (a changed man no doubt) but there’ll never be anything funnier to me than consistently being viewed as a composed and calm saviour by peers while I’m, actively and uncontrollably losing it.
#not said sarcastically or as a vent by the way I genuinely find it so terribly amusing. you think I have it together ? aw <3 you fool.#i’ve been pacing around my room like a starving lion since the past week in whatever free time i’ve had.#and i keep getting people in my messages begging me for last minute help ? which is endearing but. i’m hanging on for dear life myself#helping isn’t foreign to me; i have 4 (?) people in my class who almost exclusively refer to me as ma’am and even refer to me as a teacher.#but helping last minute is so. deeply chaotic.#and I have this issue with me where having others around me makes me immediately drop into a ‘role’ of sorts?#i’ll be freaking out but then someone else starts freaking out around me and my immediate response is to just.#hey. we are going to make it out of this. it’s easy as pie. do you see me worried? no right? <- on the verge of hyperventilating#there’s this one guy in particular who got so excited to find out we have the exact same examination set-up tomorrow.#i gave him like basic pointers and i don’t think i’ve ever been thanked so earnestly and desperately in my life.#i remember during mocks my friends would message me what I wrote in questions and then they’d immediately go oh thank Fuck.#they’d literally just act like they’re absolutely going to pass now just because we had points in common.#as if i’m some sort of fucked up correct answer sheet incarnate.#it’s genuinely really sweet to me though; like i’m not posting this ranting or such.#having so much faith in another to the point that you can put yourself completely at ease says. alot i think.#and i’m glad i can be that person for so many.#and I feel like it helps me in a way too because i become so concerned with others that I forget to drown myself in my worries.#i forget that I’m worried because there are others to care about and console and help. so i suppose they help me in a way as well.#but also who is going to be that person for ME. who is going to console ME. im going fucking neurotic /jest#<- woman with ego issues & control issues who would rather die than accept help.#sigh. oh well. I’m sure we’ll do just fine. cannot wait#🥀🍷 — colloquy.
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every time i want to try and infodump about hv unprompted i drop my phone and clasp my hands over my mouth / begin to squeeze my throat and make myself run out of air
#this happens whenever i try to talk about things im passionate with people#i really don't know why but itz whatever#who even cares#but im scared that if i have one of these fits in public i might make a fool of myself#eh . not like im already making a fool of myself by simply existing#shrug#spooky's soliloquies
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i think i finally realized why ive been feeling so damn depressed lately again
sorry for writing this here. im really hurting actually. im not good. i feel a bit helpless too. idk who to talk to bc i dont want to burden anyons and i donf feel like anything could console me right now
Like. fuck me man. thanks for saving me but. why the hell are you not here. i dont want to do this without you. i hate only being able to remember you. i was supposed to grow old with you, not without you.
And. honestly. even with all this bullshit i say here, all the endless times i spend trying to write down my feelings, abt you, about all the pain ive felt my life, it doesnt get better. not at all. and no words, no poetry takes it away and i truly feel like nobody will ever truly understand how suffocated i felt all my life.
and i want to change thanks to you but. i dont know. nothing's satisfying enough.
no matter what, i truly only feel great when im in that daydream like world you created.
and these past days ive been thinking a lot that. i really wouldnt mind dying right now. not at all. because at least i know what happiness feels like. and i want to stay in that state. probably, even in this life your music will bring me happiness, but i want to be trapped in it.
im tired of being so unseen, and even when im seen, im hurting. but i dont know whats hurting. i think im just really tired thats all.
and. ye. i feel brave tbh. i still havent posted my video to instagram, bc im not brave for that. i dont know. and i feel like a hypocrite bc everything is true that i wrote there but at the same time these are my thoughts currently
in a long while i looked up suicide methods again. i feel so hopeful, but im not really sure if really for the future. jm sorry this is probably alarming. i will probably not kill myself but. idk. im not sure actually. i dknt know what to say. i wasnt cut out for this wordly shit.i feel unlovable but even if im loved, i donf want to be. i dont want anything. just let me stsy in this quiet place snd just. disappear. i wouldnt want my family to hurt if i die but i wont know about it anyways. idk man. i feel strongly i could die calmly this time and thats nice. bc 6 years ago i was terrified, and hurt. but now im content and kind of ready idk man. its not a terrible feeling, its a "this is it, it was nice while it lasted" ig.
there are no clouds in my head actually. i truly dont feel like im thinking irrationally, i feel like this would just be like. the end goal i was looking for. to feel true love once. it was nice.
no goodbye yet bc idk how id kms even if i do. But ill tell u guys if i found something.
#you know it's funny#i still feel this way but the moment i wrote this#on tiktok one of my friends that was there for most of my times followed my secret tiktok account and#the friend that i lost last year checked my account and#i hope she fucking knows how much that means to me#because i always felt like she hstes me but i still deeply feel she cares abf me and silently looks out for me and i feel so sorry#bc in the past 4 days she has checked my account multiple times and idk man#i truly feel like she sees that im struggling i appreciate it a lot#but i could never tell her that because what if im wrong and also#i dont fit in that friendship anymore#but im still really greatful#for checking up on me even like this#*most of my life#noticed a typo#idk anyways i just really needed to scream this into the void. I didn't want to be so sad today. i just scrolled instagram to numb myself#all day. but i got off my phone it was terrible. idk. i feel im not sure i can get my shit together by monday#im sick of having to fall apart and build myself up every fucking day man. and each day i literally wake up telling myself affirmations#trying to convince myself that its oka#it will be okay at least when u are home at night. wait for that moment everyday but. im tired of waiting for night to be happy man.#i have 30 mins to either post that fuckin video and make a fool of myself bc i told myself i need to post it on the 19th. but idk man. Im#terrified it will only disappoint me. people will make fun of me. idk man. its not that funny is it. or is it? how pathetic i am for clingi#g to the only hope in my life like a fucking abandoned dog man. but what can i do. i dont want to depend on you so much. but then who shoul#i depend on? if i depend on myself im just gonna kill myself man.idk. my grief is getting worse day by day. i still practice guitar everyda#hoping that maybe you will come back or something will come back. maybe mywill to live will come back? maybe the Instrument will play a not#that I can depend on? i dont really know what im looking for thats the worst. living is uncomfortable and dark. even when im smiling with m#friends i feel lost.there's something i feel like they know and i dont. when they could name their favorite colors in kindergarten i alread#knew something was different abt me.its really isolating.not having a clue of who am i.i keep saying im finding myself more and more but tb#i still in a way like im always wearing a costume. i wonder how naked id have to be to find myself. sorry for word vomitting.it maybe helps#anyways acchan i miss you.this world feels really stale without you.i wish I could truly show how much I love you with my words or life but#i dont really think it makes a difference.my voice really doesnt matter that much in the end.maybe im too much
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lauretta & carlo before marriage. to me
#“i'll even take your lead” (!!!!)#“who cares what all those folks will say”#“ur husband's fine but im the lucky guy who gets to dance w you”#m2#“i found myself a partner who knows my style” (!!!)#<- the whole fiancé thing. if you look at it in the abstract if you write the situation differently:#she could've refused on moral grounds she could've said no#but she didn't. bc she's also immoral like him. it's their common trait (it's a hc thing ofc!!)#honestly i wrote that fiance thing to emphasize the point that they're both don't fit in with society#<- and it's all rooted in the fact that innovators almost always don't fit in with society#m2 writers made an innovator antagonist and thought no one could make him & his surroundings worse. fools
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when you excitedly bring up holic to somebody on the internet and they reply 'oh yeah, i vaguely remember that thing from when i was 12 ive certainly seen it i guess' and you just have to pretend you werent excited and be like 'haha yeah! nvm... '
#xxxholic#being socially awkward and anxious and a conversation killer makes this so much more annoying#im like I PUT MYSELF OUT THERE AND MADE A FOOL OF MYSELF FOR NOTHING..#becomes mushroom in corner of room and traces lines in the carpet haha yeah who cares about the best series of all time#not me aha
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I honestly just want to disappear...
#not me crying at work and making a damn fool out of myself today#I hate the way I look and a coworker. friend kept pointing out how goofy I it just set me over the edge#im always available for people that would never give me the time of day#who cares
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study smart not hard (altough both is best actually) this saying is so true
#my advice#but this saying is sooo true#i know some people at uni who study for exam so long and hard but then fail or just barely make it :(#like what are you doing? i don't mean this in a mean way but it doesn't have to be this difficult#i don't understand how some people can study for an exam for 2 weeks or even a month and still fail and i don't think they're stupid#or i don't see myself as particulary smart#but i guess they just waste their time a lot and i realized studying effective is so important#now everyone is a bit different and has to find what works best for them but there are certain techniques which are proven to work well#there is so much information on the internet on this look it up seriously#it made my life sm easier i never struggled in uni like i did in school and i get good grades#and if i ever struggled a bit it was because i started so late it was almost impossible to pass 😂#which is why to do both is still best 😂#but i actually always made it and i never failed an exam at uni (which i studied for)#(two i was fooled into to just try without studying bc it's easy lol)#i mean i shouldn't speak too soon but i already made it through some of the most difficult of my studies#ofc it depends on what you study how well this works but i'm speaking for myself#i once passed an exam with a B studying only 2 days as one of the best students while others studied 2 weeks#and got worse grades or failed#still studying only 2 days is stupidity don't do it 😅#so the techniques i find very helpful are ofc exam questions probably the best one#if there are none make your own#then blurting for which there are different ways but i like to just go over a topic and then write down everything i remember#then fill the gaps#quizlet is also great it's an app which allows you to create cards and then tests you in creative ways#videos can be helpful as well for summaries and using summaries in general is normally enough it saves you sm time#normally you don't actually need to know everything but you should be careful it's not a bad summary leaving out too much 😅#and i also like mindmaps bc i'm a very visual person#but all those tipps are mostly for remembering information so it doesn't work so well for other fields of study#well i hope this is somewhat helpful idk 🙈#oh and reading texts over and over again is the most useless in my opinion i don't remember much at all and it takes sm time
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Hi, I often see your posts where you express the urge to delete your works off the internet. I really like your style, it is very clean and recognizable (although it's not the point of this ask). I'd like to share a situation that happened to me several days ago. I have some fandom works on the web, which are around ten years old, some older and some newer (they are, admittedly, very low quality, I abstain from reading them because of cringe). There is a counter on the site, it shows daily views. I used to check it maniacally back than, so much it is still in my top viewed sites. So when I was feeling bad - when I AM feeling bad, I usually check this counter. And you know what? Even after 10 years. Even in a fandom that is wayyyyy less active than before. I get 1-2 views a day. Sometimes someone comes and binges half of my works, even, leaving thumbs ups in their wake. That is to say. There are always cake lovers in the internet (there are also cake haters, but we don't have a negative like button do we?) So even the works you consider cringe may find their audience, in several years EASILY (but probably even less). Yes, some of the things are history, but it is always a pleasure to receive a like or a comment, even on older works. Maybe if you think your art gets less recognition than it deserves, you may switch social media platforms and have them up on a more specialized site or archive (although I currently don't know any better platform for that than tumblr). To sum it all up, give your art a little time and it will certainly find its lover. You may derive some pleasurable emotions from that as well. You are cool, keep it up 👍
Hey thanks so much♡ I truly appreciate your kindness & suggestion here as well.
I don't think I can find a decent way to rationalize my thought process [beyond: depressed with having impossibly high standards at all times ha ha] but it's like.
When I get realization how god awful or disappointing a drawing is, it's as tho I haven't registered anything beyond that it needs to be destroyed. It's like a sickness & shame & disgust I can't explain, but can only be relieved by destroying whatever I've just created.
I wish I could make sense of it. I wish I could think further in the long term besides "god, this drawing sucks, I need to obliterate it so it's like it never existed in the first place" but.
When you are unwillingly consumed by your own insurmountable flaws, it's impossible to argue with & destruction is the only path at hand.
& sure, someone somewhere down the line might see one of my drawings later & love it, but the desperate need to be invisible & just vanish in shame of myself is. A lot.
#asks#sorry if i sound like a fucking downer but#i cant seem to stop myself from going delete crazy#its like the only thing that scratches the itch in needing to hide away & fucking vanish#& truthfully i dont want to be famous or popular#i truly dont care but#i just would appreciate some kind words & support & when its hard to get anything like that#id rather just kill the offending piece & keep it offline where the only fool who ever saw it#ie: me#already hates it & wont make it anu worse i guess#i dunno#sorry if this rambling makes no sense#im just#barely adequate at drawing & need to stop pretending it matters
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thought about making a promo post because i’m very close to a milestone but also i’m ridiculously shy about it LMAO
#like what am i supposed to say besides i am a fool for these 3 men (guess who (it's obvious but still)#one of those do the people that follow me actually care moments because i'm nothing if not uuuuuuuuuh what's the word#not quite insecure but rather uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh#anyways not important i'm always doubting myself in the back of my mind because my brain is funny like that#if i reach this milestone maybe i'll finally make a follow forever LMAO i've never done one in this blog#and the last one i made i think was in 2018?#b.txt
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rough week
#i am . going through it#shits been ROUGH man .#instead of talking abt the serious stuff i will instead talk abt my silliest problem with the easiest solution . godbless#i genuinely think talking about one piece with other one piece fans would help my mental health#because i am not getting nearly enough dopamine rn like in general and talking abt things im passionate abt w ppl who actually care#wld def help#but also i am so utterly terrified of talking abt one piece with like . other one piece fans#i literally have nothing worth saying#i dont know what id even talk abt . i have nothing new to say . nothing that hasnt already been talked abt yk#im not worth talking to like i genuinely have nothing to say that hasnt already been said#i will make a fucking fool of myself#FUCK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#dies . falls on my fucking face#ace speaks#literally how did i manage this before . how the fuck was i making friends before this
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FUCK am i bad at talking to people
#people#talking#i hate talking to people#i need to learn social#why am i so bad at conversation even when it's online#like i take hours pondering a reply to a random stranger on the internet who says 'lol' on my post#i'm fucking afraid of judgement from a person who i will never meet and never talk to except this ONE time#like so what if I accidentally come across as rude?#but what if they CARE?#they were being NICE#i shouldn't look mean to them!#and then i go and make a fool of myself#fool of a took
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google: how does one tell people I don't celebrate without pretending to be jewish or a johovas witness?
#people assume i'm jewish and ask me my hanukkah plans#like people have spent their whole lifes watch hundreds of movies hey look we cure the grumpy anti-spirit of Christmas man#and i wasn't raised relgious so it doesn't bug me to not cuz I only ever did the secular-ish version anyways#Every year all my friend forget and try to fix me and tell me I just need to make new memories are tell me I'm evil or something#we are adults you should be able to respect that I'm happier this way even if you don't understand#i just never vibed with christmas#it feels like everyone is a sleeper agent even jewish friends#i do new years#and like april fools day#and halloween#it shouldn't be that big a deal#but like it really triggers people#and they assume the worst about my parents which is so untrue#this year might go no contact with the first person who threatens me in response to my car rules#no Christmas music no weeb music no feet on the dash#i am not anti-christmas you can have your fun and I give gifts to friends#i just don't have a tree#or do antything special#and i don't want to go to your parent#i could fly to my parents#i'm not that broke#i'm just happier have a free wednesday to myself#yes i have christmas traumatic events but i felt this way before then#no body would care or notice if I didn't do easter#i know becuase i don't do easter unless it lines up with a vacation and I can see my parents#advice#holidays#christmas#the answer is lying isn't it i don't want to lie#i don't celibrate a religous holiday this time of year shouldn't be that hard
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Hm.
#i feel like a disappointment#everytime i think things are finally good and i think that im doing good as a boyfiend#something happens to tell me im lying to mysepf#i cant meet her needs#she told me she wanted a break#and i really did think for some stupid reason that yesterday i was being a good boyfeiend#i jut thought i was doing something right finally#i was really trying to be mature and talk calmly to her and be a source of positivity#the fact that it didnt help her at all#and the fact that she thought it was stupid#makes me feel disgusting#it seems like every time i think things are okay im just fooling myself#i dont know hpw to make her see that i care for her#if everyrhing that i do doesnt show it i dont know how to#i make her feel distant and like im never there for her#she says i have proven that i dont care about her#i dont know how ive proven that but not the fact thst i love her and i really would do anything for her#i want to change for her#i would do everything i can to change#i just dont know why i cant do anything right with her#i just feel so hopeless#i dont know how to get her to believe im on her side#ahes going theough so much amd all i want to do is be there for her#if what i was doing yesterday didnt work ill try again harder#i just want her to know thst i do care and i do love her#ill show her hpw much she means to me and ill make sure she knows i understand her#i just have to try harder#i just hope shes okay#i wish she knew im on her side. i just feel like for whatever reason she cant fully see me as someone who wants to#do something for her and make her feel better
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oh the irony of rarely winning anything but then winning a raffle that causes you anxiety and then makes u cringe and then a day later makes you feel retroactively? bad??? where you cry a little bit
#anyway all that to say that i won the upgraded vip thing to the d*n and ph*l show where you go to a meet and greet#and i had no intention of ever doing that but figured i should go since i won#and proceeded to make a fool of myself by not knowing what to say and having my hands shoved in my pockets to hide the shaking#i wasnt starstruck but it's kinda surreal to meet youtubers youve been watching for over a decade#and then get outshone by your sister who cares less about the whole thing but has more confidence in clothing#and got complimented on her outfit while i was 🧍♂️#and dan took several pictures with her and one with me and im?? feeling some type of way about it and feeling stupid for it#like no it was not a dream of mine to meet them but i would have liked to be. more coherent and less anxious about it#is it shame i am feeling for not being Cool and leaving a Good Impression#ouuuughfjgjgfghgoggh
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