#if i can't do anything after making food | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mintyvoid · 2 years

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i have a hard time dealing with feeling unable to do anything. not sure if it's overstim or understim or lack of spoons- all of the above..?

like i technically did a lot (for me) today, i like showered and cleaned my toilet..replaced my pillow cases and even made a smoothie.

but after all that im just- tuckered out, but also incredibly crave to do something. and have felt this way for like 3 hours now and its so uncomfortable ugh.

my mind can't settle on something to do and my body is so fucking tired.

#autism #depression #i mean i feel like this on the daily #minty ramblez #or like the stuff i feel more inclined to attempt- i struggle to #or don't have/cant afford lol #ugh makes me wanna like take a nap but i know what wont do diddly shit #sometimes just doing one of those knocks me out for the day #which is super frustrating cause like- how the fuck am i supposed to afford life #if i can't do anything after making food #aaaaaaaa

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suncaptor · 4 months

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yeah this cannot go on i need to take something like my chest is exploding i can't calm down it's 7am i feel insane insane insaneeeee

#though I HAVE successfully testing that ldn gives me an insane amount of (anxious) energy when i'm on a 3-4mg dose but then i get foggy and #empty at 4-5mg i think #i'm not sure if i should go down to like 2 or try to find the window between #i wish i just had like. a year to get meds right and heallllll so badly #but i can't afford going all the way down and having more relapses #i feel like i'm having aheart attack rn it's so bad it's so acutely painful #and it's so weird bc it's so empty #too like last month i was so full of everything and especially uh attachment fear but now it's just like pain empty screaming pain #i think it's the not eating food enough thing #i mean I DID eat MANY crackers today. rolls eyes #not enough hhh #i know theres so much i have to get done but like ic annot do anything i can't even message anyone i can't i need to get sedated #i don't know if i should try having MORE ldn or ritalin (probably not bc it doesn't sedate me like adderall)#or just hydroxyzine or muscle relaxers #hydroxyzine is looking like the most likely option #bc i still associate muscle relaxers too much with trauma i can't take them they scare me #i feel like i'm dying #i don't think you guys get how fast i'm typing rn like i am going fucking insane if i die of a heart attack for real it would suck huh #no i KNOW this is panic i KNOWWWW i'm panicking but i also feel like i'm going to throw up and die forever it's so bad i feel so so bad lik #i don't think people get how bad everything is i need it to all calm down and stop i need it to get better i am not okay holy shit #you know what everything in my life might not feel fixable and i am letting all my professors down but I can probably take incompletes wors #comes to worst i need to take hydroxzyine sleep and then cave and buy some food tomorrow #like what's happening now i #there FEELS like there's a SHAARP HOOOK in my CHEST IMAPLING ME #if i sedate myself enough i might be able to communicate with people for real instead of burrowing my head into the ground forever and ever #yeah okay i'm taking hydroxzyine #i feel like the problem with antihistamines now after last year is [redcated]#trying to convinc emyself this is not a suicide attempt or self harm i just need to calm down hahahahafih;aeifahe;wifahewifae #that's what they're PRESCRIBED for #i think i want benadryl instead though bc it's shorter and it also makes me head clearer i wonder if i have any i think it's not here thoug

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lunarharp · 11 months

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lazy scribbling of my baldur's gate 3 characters

#*emerges from 430 HOURS of life-changing playtime blearily like a lost and confused kitten*#i lost my interest in drawing bc everything is too sad & horrible right now. it was a luxury and privilege to lose myself in this instead #what follows will be my personal and trivial emotions about that #i'll do better proper drawings later. for me. they are both so very dear to me... deeply dear...unforgettable journeys of fate #truly have played like one possessed for the past few weeks. you have no idea. what do i do now. what do i do.#their personalities are so vivid to me though they mostly made the same choices. both intersex and they/them - canonically <3 #i missed out on FOUR PARTY MEMBERS in my first playthrough due to not understanding anything whatsoever.#gloaming ended up with wyll and pavane romanced karlach and astarion. and ended up with the one i did NOT plan on. this wasnt the plan #one of the most fulfilling romance paths i've ever..i cant say more..it all got too immersive and now i have to just.. MOVE ON ??????????#live in THIS world where i can't gut imperialism personally and emerge alive from that?#without Long Resting? without my character requesting a kiss from their beloved after a tough day ??#without preparing my little spells? without channelling divinity from my death god to keep us all alive?#without dyeing my man's clothes fancy colours for him? without him Approving whenever i lie and double-cross our enemies #without sharing clothes with my ex? without choosing to eat the heavy food first so that the weight is easier on her Carrying Capacity?#without orchestrating ways for all of my friends to kill the abusers that ruined their lives for a decade or even 200 years?#without experiencing degrading horrors on a daily basis but in a cathartic way where we always make it back to our rooms at the inn #WITHOUT SPEAK WITH ANIMALS???????????#at least there's music. just like with persona 5 that will always be with me. always #like how p5 melodies take me back to those feelings. those rich and personal feelings.... BUT THIS WAS A WAY MORE NUTS EXPERIENCE #i thought i would hate it. i did at times. thought it would desensitise me to various things. it did. but there was so much more..it was...#Well anyway *continues my life* imagine if dnd was real..something to think about

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izzyspussy · 6 months

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i think a lot of people have never been in a truly desperate situation but think they have, and this causes them to pass really harsh judgment on people who made bad choices when either irrational or having no good choices to pick instead, and i really wish people could get some fucking self-perception and work on their compassion skills and not fucking do that as much anymore

#jack facts #people be banging on about empathy this empathy that #and like sure maybe people have a measurable capacity for it but i can tell you what #that sure as fuck don't mean any fucking one of them ever bothers to make use of it when it matters lol #and i mean on the other hand it's hard to conceptualize how you would feel going through something you've never experienced before #i just wish people would be AWARE of the fact they don't know!#or like that there's a difference between ''i can't afford anything but instant ramen'' and ''i can't get any food or water''#or a difference between being freaked out by spiders and having clinical arachnophobia #or a difference between ''my loved one is sick and i'm really worried about them'' and ''my loved one is dying in front of me''#etc etc etc etc etc #anyway the longer i live the more i'm convinced that empathy is a garbage concept #and actually a more reliable way to act with true compassion is through at least some capacity for relative objectivity #the ability to say ''i don't know how that feels and i cannot understand it through comparison'' and to be able AND WILLING #to take people's self reports on their feelings thought processes or lackthereof in good faith and with sympathy #and also the ability to acknowledge that doing a bad thing for good reasons does not negate the bad thing being bad #but also should and does change what consequences are appropriate and/or most effective #and also like............... things people do in desperation or other irrational states do not represent Who They Are As A Person #or what it's like to hang out with them in a day to day situation #another thing i keep getting more and more aware of is like. if y'all can't even handle an irrational or impulsive choice that does harm #done by an otherwise ''good'' person under short term desperate situations #that they then do their best to reduce the harm of after the situation is over #i can not even imagine how absolutely unforgiving you must be of anyone who has delusions #and i mean real delusions and real psychosis not the hyperbolic babytalk version lol #like i don't think most of you even know what the fuck a delusion even is the way you act about things as simple & straightforward as like #fear. hunger. pain.#absolutely fucking exhausting

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thenwethrowitonthefire · 6 months

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Shout-out to everyone who survived a "fun" easter with the family

#fucking hell #it started with finding out my dad smoked in my car when I picked up my sister #who was equally dreading the day #my mum turns into the world's tensest and judgemental presence. worsened by my aunt #then hell for autistic people (of which there are multiple present)#multiple deaf people means one uninspired conversation that isn't interesting in any way.#combinations of passive aggressiveness and people not saying a thing because they can't participate. voice volumes too damn high #weirdass food situations. Very full table. so many smells.#this goes on for over an hour. wishing for literally anything but being there. soul crushing.#then you still have to sit in that room for 2.5 hours. it just goes on and on.#my autistic deaf dad physically looks like how I feel. my mum and aunt keep piling on top of him to demand his mental presence #i leave the room once (to get my phone to show pictures to my uncle) and am immediately followed upstairs by my mum #who demands I don't leave the room (What's next. following me when I need the toilet?)#me and my sister are so bored we start throwing paper planes and fake fighting.#Which amuses the bored and the deaf #but of course my mum and aunt have opinions and this is not allowed. only soul crushing boredom allowed #they complain to each other over it while aggressively doing dishes #finally it ends because my mum and aunt start insisting my dad should go to bed if he's 'that tired'. *sprinkle on some additional ableism*#still sitting through a conversation about allergies one of my sister's friends has. my mum preaching that people should take that seriously #(meanwhile i had to cook for myself for 9 years because when my allergies were really bad no one bothered to check if i could eat something)#me and my sister go sit upstairs to discover our mum has made things we care about vanish in her room #and made things appear that should not be there #I've washed the interior of my car and hope the smell will go #you think it's over after that. but woke up with the realisation that even more things have disappeared from my sister's room.#i can't remember a time when things left outside of my room didn't disappear #I don't know why we do these family gatherings at all. no one has fun on days like that.#the housing crisis isn't making these things easy. my sister is losing her place to live again as well #she'll go hiking for a month and then work on a campsite over the summer #maybe I'll go house sitting again. idk.#can't make commitments a few months in advance like that because I'll cancel everything the second Sparks announces anything important

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thepoisonroom · 1 year

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as a hard of hearing girly since birth it was honestly so validating the first time i took an ASL class and found out that it's considered very rude in Deaf culture to be like "never mind, it's not important" when someone asks you to repeat something, thereby excluding them from the conversation. like it's not the worst or most impactful part of having a hearing disability by a long shot but hearing people can be so thoughtless about how bad it sucks to feel like no one else places value on your ability to participate in communal/social life and bonding and they are fine with you sitting in a corner feeling confused and dismissed and excluded

#weirdly feel like it's very similar to how flippant people can be about accommodations for people with digestive issues/food intolerances #like yeah it won't kill you if you show up and you can't eat anything but bread but it sucks to feel like you can't participate in #the communal activities people are coming together to do #and after a while it just makes you feel like no one gives a shit about your presence of feelings except to consider them an inconvenience #like again it won't kill me not to know what anyone's talking about but it makes me feel infantilized and like a nuisance #like oh cool for you that you get to decide for me if it's important #and how convenient that you always decide that my ability to participate is less important #than your right to avoid the GRUELING ordeal of repeating whatever the fuck you said #it makes me so mad sometimes because it's so thoughtless able-bodied people truly don't spend a single fucking moment #thinking about the experience of having a disability #and this is again the smallest and least malicious expression of that but it still makes me so irate #just getting that validation that i wasn't being fussy about nothing was such a relief that it made me want to cry #personal nonsense

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mesmerizms · 5 months

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i am BEGGING restaurants to stop putting cheese and garlic on LITERALLY EVERYTHING EVER

#LITERALLY TWO OF MY WORST FOODS AS AN AUTISTIC PERSON #sob sob #i'm going out for lunch with my family tomorrow #and we're going to this place that my sister suggested #and she's like ''oh yeah the food there is so good''#and the menu is. literally THE most unfriendly to my flavour of 'tism #one time my sister took me to a restaurant on a whim and i was happy to go because i trusted her #but i looked at the menu (after sitting down) and nearly had a panic attack #and no i can't ask for anything to get removed because whenever i do it's like a 50/50 for if it actually gets removed #and then i feel like an asshole asking for them to fix it #because i don't want them to think that i'm just an annoying picky eater #bc i've already asked once #for example this place does a chili but they put cheese on it (there is no menu variant without cheese)#but like previously mentioned cheese is no bueno para mi #like i can sometimes have it but only in very specific circumstances #and cheese on top of chili is NOT it #i love chili though #but if it arrives with cheese then i can't just scoop it off. it's already been Contaminated #one time i ordered fish and chips with garden peas and they gave me mushy peas instead and i can't eat that #so i sent it back and they came back a few seconds later with the majority of the mushy peas scraped off #but it still had the residue all over the fish and the chips #and i can't eat that!!!!!#and then because it was a pub and not a restaurant i had to stand awkwardly at the bar trying to get someone's attention #it was awful #anyway i should make a vent tag #shapes.vent

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anotherdayforchaosfay · 10 months

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I folded laundry fresh outta the dryer tonight!!! I had folded a couple of big shirts for myself, but then got into A Zone because ADHD. If I walked away or sat down, the folding wouldn't happen. Seeing as I just had dinner and won't be able to lay down comfortably*, I opted for just folding laundry.

I FOLDED LAUNDRY!!!

Two big loads, another in the dryer, and one more that needs drying.

My ADHD let me fold laundry. Just...wow. Folks with ADHD will know how amazing this is.

Now it's late, and I get up early**, so time for sleep. I hope I can fold the last loads tomorrow. That would be fucking impressive.

#chaosfay talks #*I have GERD and can't take meds for it. the meds do something that makes my seizure medicine not work. the seizure med #comes out more or less looking the same as it did when i took the med. this means my body wasn't doing anything with the pills. i was #basically getting no seizure meds at all. i was on the GERD med for a week before i said fuck this i don't wanna die. any other med that #treats it will likely have the same effect. plus the diarrhea was very unpleasant. i trained myself to sleep on my left side and back to #keep the heartburn from happening and fucking with my asthma. if you have heartburn and find yourself coughing a lot #especially when you lay down the coughing is caused by your stomach acid getting into your trachea/windpipe. this is very bad.#laying on the left pinches the stomach closed. avoid laying on your right especially if you have a full belly. i've found it also helps to #go for a walk to do some upright physical activity to help with digestion and reduce trapped gas. if my heartburn is especially bad i drink #sodium bicarbonate in water (recipe is on the baking soda box) and my dr gave me the okay for it. it's basically baking soda poured into #vinegar but less violent and consideable burping. never do this with a full stomach because it can really fuck you up.#**i accidentally took my seizure med in the morning because i kept reminding myself to take my vitamins and my brain went into #autopilot and i grabbed the wrong med. rather than correct this i opted to get up early. my med requires i have food in my belly and #that means i must eat. sooooo i get up at around 8AM. i'm starting ADHD med soon (#my insurance refused to cover the first med my dr)#my adhd med has to be taken in thr morning and again at mid-day so again i need to get up early. my dr suggested i have nothing to eat #because citric acid/vitamin c cancels out adhd meds. so empty belly for an hour before and an hour after. 8AM and then around noon.

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dylanconrique · 9 months

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under the cut is the absolute last i will be speaking on this subject matter.

let me firstly just put it out there how fucking ridiculous it is that i have to even address this discourse, and remind a fandom of, let's face it. fully grown adults. (or mostly fully grown adults) how to behave in a fandom. no one in the fandom should be seriously getting bullied over something as miniscule as a dating timeline that literally none of us can pinpoint, and i'm not the only one from the looks of it who is receiving this kind of backlash. all we know is that one of them said near the end of s5 (can't remember who) that they had been dating for "a few months". a relatively loose term that from my understanding means any number 3(to 7???) or higher, so you can interpret that number to fit your narrative any way you like, idgaf. but i am going to tell you this once and for all now....

grow... the fuck up. stop cowardly hiding behind anon calling people stupid for how they personally view the timeline. you do not know everything just because you have gone through a pregnancy, and have no right to belittle anyone who has not gone through a pregnancy. (because "oh they got together after angela got pregnant and she gave birth at the end of the season, and it takes 9 months to make a baby blah, blah, blah — god shut uppp!!!!!)

if it really matters that fucking much to you to go all sherlock holmes and go on do a deep dive to figure out the timeline, cool. you do you. i personally do not care to invest so much of my time hypothesizing on something so confusing that i can't confirm, and that you cannot confirm either.

february will come around the corner soon enough and we can all huddle around our tv's and wait for confirmation that again, let's face it! we're never likely to get. at least not in the first few eps anyway.

until then chenford fam... i want you to do better, and be kinder to people. i'm honestly so disappointed to see such a darkness come from this fandom.

#*carly catalogs #chenford #holy fuck some of you are being really fucking annoying about this #i'm turning anon off until monday i can't do this bullshit anymore #let me ask you this #how far along was angela when she found out she was pregnant? hmm??#oh! oh! what's that? you don't know??#well of course you don't cause again what do you know about television timelines???#especially in the rookie universe where nobody discloses anything????#you know absolutely nothing that's what #most women don't find out their pregnant till around the 8 week mark (which is roughly 2 months)#so if tim and lucy got together shortly after she found out she was expecting again #.... and she had her baby in the last ep #then mathematically (TO ME) they have been dating around 6-7 months (aka A FEW MONTHS)#DISAGREE ALL YOU FUCKING WANT BUT I AM DONE #i'm gonna log off and cool off some steam and make myself some food #hopefully when i come back ya'll will be back to normal

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thecherrygod · 4 months

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thethingything · 6 months

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I'm fatigued, my back hurts, I accidentally spent like 3 hours sat downstairs in a chair that made our back feel worse because our executive dysfunction prevented me getting up and going back upstairs even though I only went down there to get one thing, and now I really need to lay down but if I accidentally fall asleep again I feel like I'll wake up, realise I fell asleep and also that I feel like I wasted a big chunk of the day, and I'll end up feeling even worse again

#personal #thoughts #🍬 post #vent post #posts made on pain meds #I went downstairs to get food but ended up having to wait longer than anticipated which is whatever #but then that meant I ended up sitting down and once we sit down it's like our brain stops being able to process that we can leave #I'll sit there the whole time going ''I need to get up and go back upstairs. I don't want to be sat here'' and just can't get up #I hate that this happens because while I know our executive dysfunction isn't our fault #and it's the exact same issue that stops us eating or drinking or going to the toilet or whatever when we need to #I still feel like I should be able to just get up and do the thing and just leave if I'm in a situation that I don't want to be in #and it's so hard to get other people to understand that I can't ''just leave'' because my brain just won't let that happen #like I want to but my brain won't register it as an actual thing I can do and it feels more like a weird abstract concept #than a thing I could actually do. it's like my brain can't connect the concept of the action to the act of doing it #and then I get frustrated because why can't I just do the thing that I know I should be able to do #and then I've spent hours not doing anything I meant to and mostly just feel like shit because of it and it keeps happening #and now I need to lay down and I know what's likely to happen if I do that #but I do need to listen to my body especially after getting stuck in a situation that makes our pain and fatigue worse #also we had to take pain meds earlier and that's definitely not helping with us feeling shit emotionally about all this #I hate having to navigate our brain and body just not functioning properly #I feel like we've had so little energy lately and it's reminding me too much of this time last year when we had that blood infection #I'm terrified of that happening again because we almost didn't get treatment because we started to assume it was just our new baseline #hmm apparently within like 5 minutes we've gone from ''ugh I wasted 3 hours'' to almost crying over medical trauma #I probably need to try and do something to calm us down but also I'm too tired to really do anything #which brings me right back to the issue that triggered this whole rant and me getting upset in the first place

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steakout-05 · 6 months

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eeuuaghh i would like everyone to know that i apologise if i have not responded to your reblogs/mentions/posts on tumblr, i have really terrible social anxiety and for some reason people talking to me makes my nervous system think i'm being hunted for sport by a resident evil boss. sorry if i havent responded i'm not being rude i'm just having a panic attack :P

additionally: social anxiety is actually the reason why a lot of my old posts from late 2022 had weird spacing and spelling mistakes. i was too anxious to type properly

#sorry this seems like a random thing to post but it has been bugging me for a little bit now and i want to post it #and by a little bit i mean the entire time i've been on this website #as for the reason i have social anxiety: i went to a really terrible high school full of dangerous people-#-who were literally like. the worst most bigoted people ever. not everyone there was bad of course but 90% of them were-#-and that stunted by social development by 5-6 years and now every time someone talks to me i feel like i'm about to get murdered #also primary school was. bad. the other kids could sniff out the autism in me and didn't like me for it #this post isn't directed towards anyone specifically but also it kinda is because there's a DM from someone-#-that i haven't responded to in literally 8 months and every time i think about it i get anxious #i'm sorry!!! i'm not trying to ignore you on purpose and i want to say something but my brain literally will not let me out of fear :(#i'm not used to getting talked to directly so every time i do my entire nervous system starts screaming and running in circles #it's kinda ridiculous because it's like. come on. why are you having a panic attack over a message on tumblr it's LITERALLY just words on-#-a screen what are you freaking out about. but also it's like hhhhh unfamiliar social situation scary. help.#unrelated to that but i am very worried about what people will think of me and like i know i really shouldn't worry about that-#-because i can't control what other people think of me and it really shouldn't be any of my or their business. but also-#-i have legitimate trauma that backs my fears up and every time someone is even slightly critical towards me my brain just goes-#-''see? it happened again i TOLD you it would happen again. idiot. you shouldn't have said anything''#and then i hide and cry and lay in bed thinking about how i'm going to die until i suddenly snap out of it and think-#-''wait hang on why should i care. i love being a weirdo on the internet why should i let my anxieties stop me''#and then it happens AGAIN and it's just a viscous cycle at that point #be silly on the internet -> detect slight criticism -> think everyone hates you again -> go back on your bullshit after 3 days of crying #and it makes sense because that exact same pattern happened to me countless times as a child.#be silly in school -> get made fun of for it -> get hated for it -> rinse and repeat until you think everyone is dangerous and they hate yo #if i could put it in a metaphor it would be like me being a little rabbit who thinks everyone is a scary wolf because of their big shadows-#-even though they're all also rabbits and i'm just paying attention to the scariest parts of them because i only know what wolves look like #trauma does fucked up things to your psyche lemmie tell you #social anxiety #anxiety disorder #i'm literally the ''too scared to order food'' stereotype except it's not a stereotype because it's real and every time i look at the 7/11-#-at my campus i go ''hm but what if they hate me for the food i buy there'' even though they're LITERALLY SELLING IT what is WRONG with me #anyway um. social anxiety sucks and i don't mean to not reply ro everyone who talks to me i am sorr y

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wutheringmights · 7 months

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#my digestive issues are literally under the most control they have ever been in my life and they are still ruining my life #woke up fine today. went to a coffee shop. had to leave after an hour #i had so many plans for today and now i'm stuck at home because i can't be too far away from a bathroom #i didn't eat anything that would trigger this. my gut just hates me i guess #earlier this month i have a risk food but i thought i took enough precautions to be safe and it fucked me up for like #2 weeks straight #i wonder what its like for people to not have to wonder about bathroom access every time they leave the house #i wonder what its like to eat normal foods without calculating how sick its going to make you #i wonder what its like to not have entire plans tossed out the window for reasons beyond your control #fucking sucks man #i hate ibs #in exchange for my terrible gut i do have a fantastic immune system somehow but weirdly that means i never take time off work?#ok so i am so good at just managing my issues that i just power through whenever im sick.#it's not like i can afford to take time off whenever i feel sick anyway and besides once you have to take multiple AP tests in high school #while in the middle of an episode you grow a lot of tolerance for being functional while sick #but then. i just i could have excuses to take days off because i have a cold or something. get a rest every now and then #but what illnesses i get beyond digestion issues are so slight that i can just. power through. i am never ill enough to take time off #and i get so worried that one day I will need that PTO that I can't convince myself to use it for like mental health days and ugh #this is more of a personal problem than anything but still. i wish i got sick like a normal person

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2-kamikou-1 · 8 months

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can nobody see how agonizing this fucking feels

#i get to see everyone around me do things.#i get to see them have friends and be part of things like show choir and theatre and anime club and music extracurriculars #i get to hear stories about hanging out with your friends after school #knowing I get to do none of that.#''oh after school before my dad got off work i went to my friend's house and we got food and played xbox!!“#cool. I'm not allowed to walk further than the dollar store. I'm not allowed to get a job except at the place where my mom works.#I'm not even allowed friends.#i have one friend that i only see on the weekends.#i have a couple other people sure like the kid i met in kindergarten but he hasn't seen me in years.#how am i ever supposed to make friends if i can't go to school or do /anything/#because i have to stay in this online program which has enough of its issues in and of itself #because my parents feel like they have a monopoly on my time now that i don't go to school in person anymore.#I'm tired #i want it to stop #i want to stop feeling lonely.#i want to have other friends that i can introduce to my friends and i want to hang out after school and get food and play video games #and do harmless things I'm not supposed to #i wanna go to bed and feel like i lived the day to its fullest instead of feeling like it was just another day wasted #like time is moving forward and I'm not #i know there's no fucking. “highschool experience” like you see in movies. i know that.#but i know damn well it's not supposed to feel like this either.

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forgotten-daydreamer · 8 months

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why is it that every time i eat anything my belly hurts >:( i'm gonna need you to stop doing that right fucking now.

#i think i shouls take one of those at-home celiac disease tests because my guts and head hurt mostly after i eat pasta and bread #*should #and i don't even eat much so it's not like a food coma or anything #despite what one may think given the amount of “food as a metaphor of love” in my fics i'm not a big eater. i prefer cooking for others #but idk like. i'm lactose intolerant and can't stand eggs when they're the primary ingredient (e.g. pancakes & such)#but i've never taken an egg-allergy test bc i don't think it exists? idk. i just don't eat them #and- i can't eat bell peppers (;-;) & red meat because they make me sick as hell #so huh very limited choice actually #because you also gotta add what i despise like broccoli (sorry) spinach and artichokes (i *hate* them the most.) + fish except for salmon #so what *do* i eat? good question #i'm a-ok with all other veggies & legumes so there's that #same with most white meat #but like. if you take pasta and bread away.... i die. period. it's a zero conditional sentence. it's a fact.#food cw

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dirtytransmasc · 9 months

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(personal vent about my sack of shit father ruining christmas again)

me, my fathers only "daughter"/child:

helps my grandmother for weeks to prepare for his christmas party that neither of us wanted (he goes way over the top. invites his friends that are all loud drunks. cooks food we don't like. keeps the whole house up partying into the early hours of the morning. makes a mess and refuses to clean up after himself. doesn't spend time with us and instead hangs out with his friends, even for family holidays and events. etc.

me and my grandmother are disabled, constantly in pain/have stomach issues, and generally just want to be left on our own for holidays, so the whole event is just awful for us)

has been up since 6* in the morning, continuing to prepare for his party so he doesn't throw a hissy fit, running on only a few hours of sleep*, running around from store to store, cleaning, cooking, decoaring, etc.

spends hours trying to wake him up.

after doing everything I am capable of skill/strength wise, I took a two hour power nap before guests come.

helps serve dinner, makes drinks, fulfills every task my father gives me to maintain the delicate peace in the household, cause my grandmother wants to murder him*.

does all of this with no complaint.

my father:

promises his full and undivided attention and help the day before the party (this is the only day he's offered the slightest help outside of making a huge dinner no one but he and his friends wanted), he then breaks this promise, does nothing, delegates every task my grandmother has given him to me, and then leaves at 6 at night to go party, ignoring the amount of cooking he needs to finish.

doesn't come home for almost 12 hours (he came home at 6am), waking me up*, sleeps till 1, leaving me and my gradnmother do 90% of the things that needed to be done today (as his guests are coming at 4).

invites more friends than he originally told us about, ditching us after dinner (which we served) to go hang out outside and blast music so loud it shakes the house.

and then complains that I "slept all day" and "did nothing" so now I need to clean the whole kitchen and all the dishes of over 15 guests, not him, the reason there's such a mess to clean.

he continues to demand this even after something he cooks, knowing I hate it and it makes me feel ill, and stinks up the whole kitchen, making me go lie down because it made me nauseous and gave me a migraine.

I then get to spend the rest of my christmas eve cleaning, doing dishes, while barely holding back tears.

thanks dad, for ruining an already awful christmas, you fucking asshole.

#he does this shit all the time #one year he forget his mothers birthday. almost forgot mothers day. and threw a party “for her” that was just excuse to trash her house wit #his friends and we were both miserable. he made us clean and serve people and made food we don't like #I'm still fucking pissed about it #he also ruined my last christmas with my grandfather before he passed. so. I have a grudge to say the fucking least.#me and my grandmother are his personal servants and we can't do anything about it if we want to know peace #cause he's a fucking piece of shit #he does this with everything. he used to make my grandmother clean up after him. now he makes me do it #please. whatever god is out there. give me the financial stability to move out and live on my own. I can't keep doing this shit #actually. god. make him move out. let me and my grandmother stay in our family home. just get him to fuck off.#he's the biggest hypocrite. do-nothing. asshole and I hate him #personal vent #fuck my dad #biggest mistake my father made in terms of raising me was not leaving. instead he just ruined every aspect of my life and made me miserable #can't even escape him as an adult

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