#if anyone knows of other actions going on or has more information please feel free to add it

[dinoburger]

(full article)

hoping this is something Aussie folks are aware of - especially the clip of Lidia Thorpe going around right now. It's heartening to see recent pushes being made to challenge the colony with the establishment of the Sydney Basin Embassy.

Winning indigenous autonomy in our countries and holding the state to account is what we need - for the rights of everyone suffering under the genocidal, white imperialist state - paying attention is the least we can do. (also, remember to respect protocols when engaging with tent embassies)

[spacedustmantis]

here we go. originally we said we would not talk about this. we would not draw attention to it. we would wait for it to blow over. but a lot of misinformation has spread and a lot of us feel like it's getting to a critical point.

us being the members of the recently highly controversial anti-censorship jrwi discord server.

i would have reblogged this from @rantarang's most recent reblog but sadly further up the rb chain are screenshots with doxxed information about a lot of my friends and i, so i will not be reblogging that post. do not go looking for it. you can base your opinion off of what information has been given without rewarding a severe invasion and violation of privacy, regardless of what you think of us.

the events that have transpired are as following: a post is made criticizing and warning about the bitb zine (which has since been canceled). as a reaction to this a tumblr user decides to investigate into the people behind it, despite the original poster censoring the names and urls of the mods, and finds this server. they infiltrate it, lying to the mod to gain access, and then proceed to screenshot and post the entire members list (meaning display names and pfps of every single person who might or might not be active in this server) plus some further personal information about certain people and private conversations.

they do not care to find out if any of these people are minors before they expose parts of our private contact information and call us degenerates and accuse us of grooming, and then they ask the people to please tell them if anyone is a minor so they can be "protected".

this, btw, is illegal. spreading personal information and private conversations with the intent to harm (even if it's "just" defamation), especially on the internet, is very much illegal. what matters more of course is that it is incredibly dangerous, opening up a lot of people - whether you see them as gross perverts or not - to brutal harassment and at the very least, as was intended by the infiltrator, extreme alienation. i mention that it's illegal for reasons that will become apparent.

now. this could have been it. pretty catastrophic and dangerous but an isolated incident. but people do what they do best. they talk and converse and assume and things get lost in translation.

i decided to write this and talked about it with some people in this server after i read up on the conversation underneath that post by rantarang and @tigers1o1.

one of the first things to set straight is that the zine is not the same thing as the server and besides some of the same people being involved and existing in the same fandom actually has no connection to it whatsoever.

i do not know a lot about the zine. i will not be the one to talk about that.

next thing, none of our mods are underage. this was a misunderstanding due to the zine having an underage mod, who afaik explicitly doesn't engage with any nsfw content.

and now for the big one. we have been accused of grooming and harassing minors. we have been called criminals. we have been accused of illegal actions. this is all not true. i understand where that assumption can come from, but assumptions are not truth.

let me talk a bit about my experience on this server.

i joined mostly because it was a server one of my friends advertised. i was aware it was going to include topics that i wasn't entirely comfortable with so i was hesitant to join, but i did.

what i found was one of the most impressive discord servers i'd ever seen in regards to moderation. coming in at first you do not see anything beyond the rules section and some other administrative channels. you are required to read the rules and to react to the post so you can even just get to see the chatting channel.

furthermore, once you go through the vetting process (which is as noninvasive as possible since internet safety is a thing we are very conscious of), you can only view channels that are free of any potentially triggering content (nsfw, gore, underage, drugs and more) until you look through the roles available and choose which ones you would like to see. you have to actively click a labeled button and then find and enter the channel you chose to be able to actually see, before you get to any potentially dark and/or triggering content.

not only that, but any and all talk about ships, even the purely romantic/nonsexual kind, is relegated to their own personal threads, which require you to agree to see topics that might be relevant (for example, violence or gore and death for emizel/gabriel) and allow you to simply not have to see or engage with any ships that you might find bad, annoying, triggering, or whatever else.

so NO, we do not invite children into the server where they are immediately blasted with pedophilia or SA against their will.

i personally chose to be able to access some of these darker channels mostly out of curiosity. i don't really take part in them, i don't chat in them and i don't read every single message. but i still get a good feeling what these conversations are mostly about. fictional characters experiencing bad shit, or maybe fictional characters doing bad shit. or maybe, god forbid, someone engaging with a kink of their's in what is clearly labeled as a kink space.

i have been in this server from quite early on. i have seen a lot of stuff that has happened there. not once have i witnessed inappropriate behavior between two people. not once have i picked up on any behavior indicative of manipulation or grooming or SA.

the people in this server are mostly just... friends. people hanging out in a space that allows them to talk about topics that might upset some in a way that spares those who would be upset from seeing it. a space that allows you to see and read exactly what you want and nothing more. a space that is really really fucking well moderated. i am not kidding we are strict about putting warnings on stuff, about posting in the correct channels.

and finally the minor issue. that is the issue of minors. i mentioned earlier that our vetting system is intentionally noninvasive. we do not ask for any personal identification. we do not ask for any proof that you are well meaning (how would that even work?), and most importantly we do not ask for people's ages.

this is for two reasons.

a) DO NOT GIVE STRANGERS ON THE INTERNET THAT KIND OF INFORMATION JESUS CHRIST!! DO NOT ASK PEOPLE THAT KIND OF INFORMATION! STOP NORMALIZING MINORS OPENLY ADVERTISING THEMSELVES AS MINORS, THAT IS LITERALLY INTERNET SAFETY 101 OH MY GOD!!!

and with that out of the way, b) we could never enforce this anyways. you want us to ask for driver's licenses? fucking passports? people lie. children lie, teens lie, we know this. ask literally anyone who's ever tried to keep an online space free from people under any age. instagram is 13+, and do you know how many people i know who lied about their age to get access to that? too fucking many to count.

telling us to keep our space free of minors is a wasted effort. it's annoying but it's true.

all we can do is be explicit about what kind of content people could face and trust them to act accordingly to their own comfort levels.

and, to be quite honest, while i personally (and many other members) have expressed discomfort with the idea of sharing certain, more sexual parts of this server with minors, the truth is that it's not actually the end of the world if one stumbles across those parts, whether on purpose, by accident, or by stupid mistake. it might be uncomfortable and it might cause issues, but that's life.

life sometimes is uncomfortable, and there might sometimes be issues. again, to try and erase all those potential issues or discomforts from life is pointless. it will never work that way no matter how bad we want it.

ultimately i strongly believe that if a minor were to find themself in conversations about darker or more taboo topics, the people that frequent this server would never even think to bring them harm. i cannot reiterate enough that each and every single one of us is strongly against any kind of sexual violence outside of the fictional realm; in real life.

and that's where we are. in real life. which if you'll remember is actually different from playing pretend. no actual harm has been done to anyone. every single person who was confronted with these topics has volunteered for it. every single person who has read what was said in these channels gave their explicit consent.

that is, until our member list was leaked and the content we worked hard to keep safely separated and tagged was posted against our will on the internet and forced upon an absurd amount of strangers who never agreed to get involved.

we never once put anyone in harm's way, unlike you did.

and since it seems so important to you, we never once did anything illegal. unlike you did.

-----

i apologize that this got so long, but there was a lot to set straight. if you got to the end, thank you for indulging me.

again, do not seek out the person who leaked our info, and do not seek out the list itself. we sadly cannot unleak it but it would mean a lot if you didn't pass it around any more than people already have, even if you don't agree with me.

i would also like to say that while i did converse with some of the other members and am fairly confident that most of them would agree with me, all of this is my own opinion, do not make the mistake of extrapolating it to the server at large.

and if you saw the initial callout post and agreed with it, i don't blame you. the internet is a scary place and seeing these events framed in such a way is certainly frightening. but keep in mind that as long as you don't see hard proof, please do not "call out" anybody. and for god's sake do not post private information on tumblr! there could be real harm done here and i don't think anyone actually wants that.

thank you again for reading this, i hope it can settle some things.

love, monty

[pianokantzart]

Trying to translate a scene...

...or... at least a few simple sentences of a scene, specifically when Mario and Luigi are in the warp pipe in the Japanese dub of The Super Mario Bros Movie: X

In the English version, the exchange goes like this: Mario: "It's all going to be okay!" Luigi: "How is this going to be okay!?"

But in Japanese, it goes something like this (assuming I didn't mishear anything):

Mario: "Luigi! Shinpai sero na!" Luigi: "Niisan! Shinpai dayo!"

I know Japanese sentence structure is subject-object-verb. I know "shinpai" means worry, concern, or anxiety. "Na" at the end of a sentence can mean a lot of things: seeking confirmation, a rhetorical statement, or an imperative sentence (i.e a command). My guess is that it's seeking confirmation. Luigi ends his response with "dayo," which is often a pushier, more informal version of "desu," which I think is something of an english-equivalent of "to be"? (don't quote me on this I could be completely wrong.)

I don't know what "sero" means. If I'm hearing correct, and my source is correct, it's apparently either an auxiliary verb indicating a causative, an auxiliary verb indicating that someone has permission to do something, or an honorific for others' actions.

With all this in mind, this is my current take on the translation... Mario: "Luigi! You're worried!" Luigi: "Big Bro! This is worrying!!!" (see edit for correction!)

But there's a huge chance I got something wrong. Anyone who actually knows Japanese, please please please feel free to correct me!

EDIT: I got feedback from someone who's Japanese!

Big thanks to @hug-monster for the help! Mario doesn't say "Shinpai sero na!" he says "Shinpai suru na." Suru means "do." With this in mind, "na" in this context is an informal way of saying "not." So, put together, what Mario is actually saying is "Luigi! Don't worry!"

In this context, a more accurate translation of Luigi's response is "Bro! I am worried!"

[mrdrhenwardhykle]

Hi there,

Please feel free to inform yourselves about Claudia Schröder/Pinky Pills and also understand by today she just stepped down from being a FNAF artist (potentially) temporarily.

Scott also posted on the manner, but it's not really what we need to hear.

I am not making this post as an attack to anyone, I'm just using it to inform people and give my two cents on this.

But Ms. Pinky Pills has been caught time and time again making sexualized images of canon minor characters sometimes even sexualizing them while looking like children. She stated once that in her mind she thought William was a pedophile, even going on to portray him like that during one of her comics.

Scott once displayed that he doesn't appreciate pedophilia being portrayed in the franchise when he fired LadyFiszi, a similar artist with similar issues; but seems reluctant to put Pinky through the same treatment.

Within the first link, not only does it show that Pinkypills has no issue sexualizing any female character she can get her grippers on, but she feels comfortable enough as a popular and well known artist to go on reddit posts to admit things like she thinks about Mr.Cawthon when she touches herself likely less than a year before she was hired, and she also made a drawing + post on Twitter/X/Whatever you want to call it, that's clearly supposed to have undertones of sexualization to a REAL person and her boss. (Edit: I did the math for the first one, and I think she’d be at the beginning of her FNAF career or close-not sure if she was hired or not at this point in time. Either way it was close and she shouldn’t be saying that about a real person)

There's also long winded evidence of her pushing NSFW junk in minor-safe art groups, and a history of tracing. This person has been a full blown adult for the entirety of her FNAF career, and frankly should know better present her work in more of a professional and safe manner.

I didn't make this post to bash on the artist, however, as an adult, you should know your limits on portraying others, what kids shouldn't be exposed to, and that you should actually live up to your actions instead of backtracking and gaslighting.

My point is that we need to be careful about people like this- and emotional attachment or friendship should not allow anyone to handle them differently from someone who has done similar things

It also sounds like she might be moving on with other non-FNAF related projects and franchises, which is concerning.

PLEASE NORMALIZE BACKGROUND CHECKS WHEN HIRING ARTISTS!!!!!!

UPDATE: Fiszi, Sorry. Also updated some grammar issues, I wrote this in a rush.

[0crooked-arcade0]

{{CALL FOR ASSISTANCE}}

Hey there, We need to cut the color for a second. We're not particularly fond of having to make posts like this,(in fact I hate it, because it makes me feel like im just using people) but in the moment I, don't feel like we have many other options.

Names Kitty Hawthorne, but you can call me arcade. I'm a nonhuman system in my early twenties whose taken up the job of a freelance paranormal investigator, more of a hobby now though, if I'm completely honest.

Due to multiple physical and mental mishaps this year we've seemingly found ourselves out of the employment line due to our disabilities. Sadly this isn't the first time we've experienced this, the struggle we've had with keeping a stable home goes back years due to factors relating to my family's....well, I'll just say it, downright awful actions.

In recent weeks though, things have gotten marginally worse, leaving us with back rent to pay, and....having our utilities (water, electricity, gas) cut off due to delinquent payments owed

This has, understandably put a lot of strain on me and our system as a whole, making it hard to keep ourselves mentally in check.

Despite our trying it seems we don't exactly have anywhere else to go in the moment, our mother is sadly, reluctant to help due to the fact my monster of a father has been stalking me for God knows what reason since I left his care. I can't blame her in a way, but it's still disheartening.

If we could take a moment of your time, we'd ask if anyone in these circles our blog is based in have any sort of information or links to possible resources or places I could go-

Anything helps at this point as I need more time to form a game plan with what little I have left.

[[My blog is relatively new, so feel free to direct message me for proof of the matter, I understand I'm dumping all of this into the wild blue yonder way too soon after starting a blog here, and it could read as suspicious.]]

If you see this post, please feel free to reblog it for visibility. For now I have some things to try and figure out myself, so I'll be back on soon.

Stay safe out there.

[space-station-collective]

Befriending A System - Info

What will this post be about? - This post is going to contain basics on common courtesy when interacting with a system. The information and text in this post will primarily be directed at singlets, but if you are a system looking for information feel free to use this as well!

Warnings - This post briefly discusses how traumagenic systems form and instances of ableism. Please be mindful

My friend just told me they're a system. What does that mean?

If this question applies to you, there may be a lot of emotions you're feeling, including fear, curiosity, frustration, and many others. All of these emotions are valid, learning something this big about someone can be very emotion-heavy! At the very basics, what it means to "be a system" is there are multiple people sharing one brain and body. You may have interacted with several of them without knowing, or only the host, or another option entirely. Either way, you now have information that you need to be mindful of.

Why it can be so scary to tell someone you're a system

If you don't already know what it means to be a system, you may not understand why it's such a difficult thing to bring up. Why can't these people just be open about who they are? One of the most common types of system is "traumagenic", meaning they have likely undergone severe and/or repetitive trauma to create the system they now exist as. This is a very, very sensitive topic for many people, and telling someone that you have trauma can be terrifying. Many systems also experience ableism, from things like fakeclaiming (implying or saying you believe someone is faking being a system) to outright violence. It becomes necessary at a point to be good at hiding your system, and letting down that mask is a big deal for many systems.

Common questions and what to do about them

Questions about people's trauma: Don't. Just don't ask. You may be curious, but it isn't within your right to know the details of what someone has gone through, no matter how close a friend they may be. If you learn someone's trauma, be gentle, and let them share at their own pace. Don't force them to open up any more than they want to.

Questions about headmates: This one depends on the system. Many systems are completely comfortable talking about their headmates, but many are not. The best course of action with questions about headmates is to simply ask the person how they feel about these kind of questions, and act accordingly.

Questions about triggers: Knowing triggers that you should be mindful of can be very helpful information to have, but keep in mind not everyone will feel comfortable sharing those. If you ask and your friend says no, do not press the matter. It should go without saying that if you do learn someone's triggers, never use them against the person, be respectful.

Questions about the system or person's experience: This is another question that depends on the individual. Your best bet is to simply ask your friend what kind of questions they're comfortable with, and move forward according to what they say.

How relationships may work with headmates

This experience can vary greatly between systems, so it is almost impossible to find an info post that is 100% accurate unless it is made by the person in question. You may have questions, and it may feel awkward or uncomfortable when you meet a new headmate for the first time, but please remember they likely are feeling the same way. Don't treat them like they're unusual or something to be scared of, just be a normal person about it. Treat them with the same respect you'd treat anyone. Relationships (platonic, romantic, queerplatonic and otherwise) can vary greatly between you and individual headmates, and it's important to remember different boundaries that people may have. It's possible to become romantically involved with one or several headmates in a system, but not everyone, and in this situation boundaries are incredibly important. Overall, it's best to go in with an open mind, and just ask questions. The worst you can be told is "no".

What is a "trigger" in a system context?

Beyond the traditional meaning of a trigger that you may know, there are some additional meanings or types of triggers you should be aware of when it comes to systems.

Front Triggers: Front triggers can be either positive or negative. Essentially, this just refers to something (a song, a person, a word, a topic, etc.) that is more likely to pull specific headmates towards the front. Some individuals may educate you on certain members' front triggers, but this is not a go-ahead to use them whenever. Speak to the individual about when it may be appropriate to do so, but generally it is considered in poor taste to attempt to use this information without explicit permission.

How to approach boundaries

Boundaries are very much a case-by-case basis. The most important thing is to maintain healthy and open communication. Remember, you're allowed to set boundaries too. It can be stressful, learning these things, and if you need to take it slow or step back at any point for your own well-being you aren't in the wrong for doing so. It's incredibly important to make sure you're taking care of your own wellbeing first, because even if you want to be the best support you can, you won't be supporting anyone if you can't support yourself. The best thing to do is just ask. Open a conversation about boundaries, what are things both of you can do to make each other more comfortable with the relationship? Communication can be hard, but so so worth it.

I think someone I know is a system: What do I do?

A good rule of thumb: Don't say anything. Usually, if someone hasn't said anything, they either aren't ready to share the information with you or they don't know themselves. For both of these cases, there's reasons why it's usually bad to bring it up as an outside point of view. If the person hasn't told you yet, they likely have a good reason. This isn't to say you're a bad person, or that you've made them uncomfortable, sometimes people just aren't ready to share something like that. If you ask them and this is the case, it puts them in a very, very awkward situation, where they have to choose between telling the truth and opening up about something they've likely had no time to prepare to do, or outright lying to you.

For the other case, in which the person doesn't know, it can be very harmful to call attention to it if you aren't a part of their medical or mental health care team. Systems are frequently covert for a reason, in many cases it is not safe for them to be aware of it if they aren't already, and if they become aware of the system earlier than they're "supposed" to, it can create more difficulties.

There are exceptions to these, however. If this individual is displaying actions, signs, or symptoms that are directly harmful to you, the individual, or others, it may become necessary to make them aware of it. If this happens, please do so gently. If the person is unintentionally harming others, they don't realize it and likely don't mean to be doing so. Be gentle when you make them aware of it, don't go in slinging accusations or assumptions. Talk to them like a human.

End of post thoughts:

The best thing to do in this situation is just be kind and respectful. Don't "other" your friend for this, and just be a normal human about it. Most people will not get upset with you for asking questions out of genuine curiosity, as long as you're respectful about it. As always, this information can be a good starting point but is, by no means, a rulebook. Situations change and are different for everyone, so just ask questions and use this information as you see fit. Thank you for reading!

[tired-of-being-nice]

the american dream is killing me - masterlist

character intro post is here, but i'm just gonna paste the same information into this lmao

basic worldbuilding summary: Generic Corporate Dystopia Hellworld. characters live in a massive builtup urban sprawl with different sectors more or less owned by various companies. you get basically one choice in life and it's choosing who to sell your soul to. some of these places are worse than others... or at least bad in more interesting ways

title is a placeholder (unless i end up liking it)- it's a reference to the green day song of the same name :)

rest of the info is under the cut!

milo - they/them

the unfortunate protagonist (?). coren's childhood best friend. tried to go undercover with them to find a way to break out of the system but ended up getting sucked in and is now firmly trapped, being slowly ground down by monotony and loneliness. strength: resilience, for better or for worse. weakness: has not slept in like a week.

coren - they/it

milo's childhood best friend! was determined to find a way to rebel and get free. unfortunately the company they chose to go undercover at was doing some interesting experiments and they happened to present an excellent target for guinea pig. they are essentially brainwashed, although it's mostly a matter of induced amnesia and has to be reinforced regularly. they work in employee retention, aka "chasing down anyone who tries to escape and dragging them back". they think this is very fun and they're having a great time :) as long as they can't feel pain. strength: resistance to any level of violence. weakness: crumbles when treated with any kind of gentleness.

ray - he/she

works for the same place milo does. never had any aspirations to get crushed, really, so she's doing just fine. never had any heart to get broken or any willpower to get crushed, so he hasn't lost anything. she has put everything into being the best she can possibly be in hopes of attaining a reward. what the reward is he doesn't know. strength: secret talent for piano. weakness: touch starvation and protestant guilt.

chronological story (with numbers indicating order of writing, and emojis indicating pov! 💚 is milo, 💙 is coren, 💛 is ray. stories connected by commas are directly following each other)

flashback/backstory:

💚 first meeting (#16)

💚 blood-stained tiles (#6, day 14 of febuwhump), who did this to you (#7, day 15), & came back wrong (#8, day 16)

💚💙💛 breaking point (#19)

arc 1 (everyone is being miserable on their own)

💚 man vs. society (#11, conflict whump challenge)

💛 convenience store loneliness (#25, whumptober 11)

💛 panic attack (#21, whumptober day 1)

💚 please tell me someday i'll at least be able to sleep (#23, whumptober 8)

💛 shivering (#28, whumptober 27)

💛 waiting for the bus (#20)

💚 helpless (#1, day 1 of febuwhump)

💙 solitary confinement (#2, day 2)

💙 obedience (#3, day 4)

💙 hide and seek (#4, day 7)

💙 semi-conscious (#5, day 12)

💙 too weak to move (#9, day 18,) & please don't (#10, day 19)

turning point

💙 weapon (#12)

💙 "because i care about you" (#13, day 24)

💛 "help them" (#14, day 26)

💚 not allowed to die (#15, day 29)

💙 rude awakening (#17)

💙 the sound (#18)

arc 2 (the consequences of their actions)

💙 starvation (#26, whumptober 12)

💙 "it's not my blood" (#22, whumptober 6)

💙 "i can't think straight" (#24, whumptober 10)

💙 performance review (#27, whumptober 15)

💛 "who said you could rest?" (#29, whumptober 29)

💙 asking for help (#30, whumptober 31)

[i-still-mask-because]

hi! i'd just like to first say thank you for this blog! it's been a very valuable resource and i appreciate what you do and the information you make available!! this ask is sort of a vent/just my thoughts and general feelings i feel like i need to share somewhere. i don't have any resources to get a better mask at this moment, and the masks i do wear give me sensory issues and are generally not ideal. i can't really do anything else about this except wait until i get financial independence, which is relatively far off. it's been...becoming a bit more difficult to look forward to the future. i don't acknowledge this often because it feels like so many people already have but i have some difficulty accepting that things will never truly be the same again (until capitalism and colonialism are abolished and the world can focus on fixing pressing issues and actually improving people's lives but that's a different conversation!) and that not only does it feel that i'm missing out on a majority of my teen years but also that i may not even get to enjoy my twenties, thirties, and so on because of circumstances generally not in my control. i know that joy remains present in my life and things will improve if i just hang on a little longer but it's still difficult when i spend day after day watching my masks irritate my skin while i'm not even safe from covid because so few people mask. i firmly believe some protection is better than none but i suppose that can tie into why i am glad other people mask, as uncommon as it has become. i still mask because i want to do what i can to care about the safety of others and to combat toxic individualism.

Hey! Thank you so much for sharing this 💛 I appreciate the vulnerability. And thank you for your patience; I wanted to be sure I was in a clearer headspace before answering this. I hope you can see this, and I hope you're doing alright!

If you want, let me know in another ask what masks you've already tried. I'm happy to compile some recommendations for more comfortable ones.

I genuinely recommend finding online spaces with other covid cautious people you can connect with, find support & validation, and find access to tools & resources (be it through Facebook groups, Discord servers, IG communities, Tumblr communities, etc.)

Take a look at these links [Link 1: Worldwide Mask Bloc Directory] and [Link 2: Covid Action Map] to see if there's any mask blocs and/or covid action groups wherever you live that can provide free masks for you (I know some give away free rapid tests & other tools too). They may even be able to give better suggestions for the first two things I mentioned! See if you could find their social media accounts too to keep up with their updates.

I absolutely feel for the younger generations right now. Knowing how hard going to school was as a minor in and of itself, I cannot imagine how difficult it is to go through Pre/K-12 being one of the only, if not the only, one masking to protect themself from a virus that the majority of the population doesn't even think is a big deal anymore. I'm so sorry the systems in place have let you down. I 100% understand how bleak the future feels right now; trust me, I'm right there with you. Navigating life in a covid-denying world is extremely difficult, to say the absolute least. I personally did not expect the first half of my 20s to go like this 😅. I try to remember that there are communities out there that aim to support us, validate us, and get us the resources we need. Being in community with other covid cautious folks online has been tremendously helpful because it makes going through this feel a lot less lonely.

Things will take a turn at some point; it's inevitable. Just keep protecting yourself and taking precautions. You're doing the right thing 💛😷

If anyone has additional supportive things they want to say and even suggestions of their own, please feel free to share!

[wannaeatramyeon]

Hi~ I just wanna ask you, how do you think/feel about Eli & Heather's relationship and their 'history'? Like some people said that Heather took advantage of Eli's innocence, some people said that it was Eli's mistake.

Ok anon. I have my thoughts but I reread the arc just to try and articulate them better. Fucking forgot Darius Hong was in this. And no one needs more Darius Hong in their life. Anyway.

Eli Jang/Heather Relationship rambles

In this essay...

Damn. This is rough. Please note I may be the least well informed person to give my thoughts on this. Happy for anyone to disagree.

Sigh. I think a lot of times we think of things in black and white, whereas almost everything is in shades of grey.

Eli Jang & Heather's background

First off, Eli has experienced a lot of trauma when he was first introduced, and clearly going through a lot mentally. He's also stunted in a lot of ways and 'deprived of an education'. Literally everything that he has known was abuse. Ran away from home at the age of 10. And whatever fucked up shit was going on with Tom Lee too.

I cannot stress how clear all of this is.

With Heather, the only real thing we know about her is she's 15. Both parents lawyers and very overbearing.

Eli Jang's 'recovery' from trauma

But by chapter 237: Eli Jang (6) a month passes and they have both met. Eli, from how he is portrayed, has already improved a lot. Healed a lot. Not fully. I think we need to remember that the passing of time and progression differs massively in Lookism than in real life.

If this was real life, nope. Lookism, ehhhh. Literally please suspend your belief.

This is in part a big reason why I don't blame Heather for her actions that night.

The huge fucking question mark over consent

I can also never fully agree with anyone saying that Heather groomed Eli. To me, she acts very much like a 15 year old girl with a crush. Less nefarious than what grooming implies. Could she have been better informed and set boundaries? Hell yeah.

From what we can see in the panels, Eli reciprocates her feelings. Sure there might be other things going on, but if there were insidious intentions I feel like PTJ would show it more front and center.

To me, looking at the storyline and art, it just feels like 2 people with a crush.

At the same time, if we apply real life morals to this, then yeah it's all pretty messed up. This isn't real life though.

(Sex education is a whole other kettle of fish I don't want to get into. Where I'm from, we have free contraceptives, free medical care, sex education. But oops, teenage pregnancies still happen an awful lot.)

Here's where people might disagree because I'm giving consent to people on their behalf - though we're talking about fictional characters here and all we can do is speculate.

My opinions on this are:

If we ask Heather if she believed Eli consented that night, she would fully believe so.

Similarly at the time, Eli would probably say yes he did.

I have little reason shown by PTJ to doubt that he would withdraw his consent present day as well.

As for Eli's mistake?

Uhh. Assuming they are both able to consent, and let's just say yes for the sake of simplicity, then I don't see how the night together is his mistake?

The whole mess afterwards and the poor communication and martyr thing going on I would say is his mostly his fault. Yes, he has his reasons for it. Two things can still be true.

And fucking Olly Wang.

But Heather was right there. Eli could have cleared the air with her. Said wtf I didn't message you those but he didn't.

Heather lashed out, which I think is a very human response to her situation and the sudden insane amount of pressure placed on her shoulders, however unfair her words are. She didn't have the full story though, whereas Eli did.

So like I said, I place more of the ownership of this situation on Eli even though I can also see where it all stems from.

In Summary

This goes back to what I said before about there are so many shades of grey, and this situation and relationship is absolutely not black and white. To me, anyway.

We can also imply all we want with things happening off-screen during any of the arcs though it's better to stick with what we can see or clearly read between the lines.

Taking in my thoughts above, honestly? I just think it's a tragic story about 2 kids that had unprotected sex one night and then it fucking spiralled. I don't see the blame lying with either one for their actions. Based on my reasons above.

This situation feels too nuanced here for me to say yeah Heather fucked up or Eli fucked up because there are so many details at play here, mostly to do with Eli Jang's background but also to do with the pacing of time and recovery in PTJ-verse.

TL;DR: No-one sucks here. Too many nuances. Sad af situation.

[happyk44]

Initially I wrote this because someone wrote that HPD can't be covert and I was like "no" but then I forgot about lol. Anyway, sure, HPD can be a predominantly overt disorder, but I doubt that means everyone with HPD is incapable of masking their symptoms.

In the few resources I've come across, there appears to be a bigger focus on the appearance/sexually provocative aspects of the criteria, so I wanted to think about other ways that people may attention seek or use to be the center of attention. Especially since coming up with the idea of HPD!Piper. She wouldn't behave in a flirtatious, provocative manner, so, other than her stealing, what else is there?

Since HPD is frequently comorbid some of it may overlap with other PDs but the intention behind the actions are to pull focus and be the center of attention rather than whatever the core(s) of the other PDs may be (e.g. constantly wanting to spend time together as a way to be in focus versus as a method to avoid abandonment in BPD).

If anyone reading this has HPD, please lemme know what you think. And feel free to add your own, if you want.

Anyway, the list:

Frequently gossips, lies, and/or starts drama

Enjoys being the source of information

Plays both sides of a situation depending on the people around them; does not develop their own opinion or thoughts on the situation; frequently plays Devil's advocate

Codependent

Lack of boundaries, both for themselves and towards others

Relies primarily on close friends and family for attention

Focuses on appearing conventionally attractive, rather than standing out/over the top

Adopts the interests and personality of those around them

Prioritizes shared/common interests; may become frustrated if someone wants to engage in an interest that is not shared between them or something they do not enjoy

Always offers to help or get involved, even if not needed or they have other things going on

Constantly helpless/clueless; frequently asks for help/assistance, even with basic tasks they know how or have been previously shown how to do

Constantly wants to hang out/go out; does not like or appears to dislike being alone or doing solitary activities

Indecisive and/or unwilling to present their own ideas, preferring to rely on others before making a choice; may intentionally choose against the common opinion to spark conversation/focus on them

Trolls people online/intentionally engages in discourse

Complains frequently, even over positive situations

Compliments others frequently to seek both approval and their own compliments in turn

"No one loves/likes me" behaviour

Over-exaggerates failings in order to seek consolation and/or reassurance

Downplays successes in order to seek more praise/appear humble

Broad interests with little devotion (e.g. being knowledgeable about makeup without using it because people around them like makeup; talks frequently about hiking or exercise but does not enjoy or engage in either without social motivation; etc)

Hops from trend to trend

Prefers to plan all group activities

Isolates frequently

Excessive people-pleasing behaviours

Excessively assertive, even to the detriment of others

Low self-esteem

Frequently impulsive

Threatens or engages in self-harming behaviours

Dresses against the norm/situation (e.g. wearing white to a wedding, dressing on the casual side to a black tie event, wearing a fancy gown to a sporting event, etc)

Breaks the law in an obvious manner and/or brags about it if successful

Frequently feigns illness or intentionally makes self sick

Irresponsible (e.g. spends money recklessly)

Overly generous (e.g. frequently picks up the check)

Lack of self-motivation/requires other people for direction, motivation, or to set goals for self

Overly trusting

Excessively overshares, even to strangers, or intentionally behaves to prompt questioning from others (e.g. people who huff and puff around so someone will ask them if they're okay - would be more covert than blurting out everything that's wrong without prompting)

[blackjackkent]

@zenjestrr said:

speaking of the lantern, try inspecting it

Oh shit ty for the reminder! I noticed that was an action option on the lantern and meant to check it a bit back and then forgot.

Whatcha got for me, buddy?

Narrator: The lantern gives off a chilly glow, protecting all in its vicinity from the surrounding shadows. You notice a tiny pixie trapped within. [INTELLIGENCE] These fey creatures are infamous for their trickery - sometimes playful, sometimes malicious.

Hm. Well that's a bit fucked up.

Having been noticed, the pixie begins to speak, in a high squeaky voice with great urgency. "Oh please, oh golly, me-oh-my! You must release me or I'll die! This lantern only lights the way when I am hurting night and day!"

It would probably be better for the pixie if Hector hadn't JUST been dealing with all of Raphael's weird rhymes as well. As it is, between that and his own intelligence check, he is skeptical.

He does get a cleric line here though. [GOOD CLERIC] "You poor thing, why would someone hurt you so?"

(A/N: I don't remember ever picking an alignment for Hector. I'm assuming the GOOD modifier there comes from Selune? Or is it based on actions Hector's taken thus far?)

"My pixie dust is bright as day; my injuries can light the way!" squeaks the pixie.

Karlach frowns. "I know the feeling," she says sadly. "We've got to set her free."

Well. That settles that; after hearing Karlach's perspective on it, he's hardly going to do anything else - but it doesn't change the fact that they need this lantern or they're all going to get obliterated by the curse (except maybe Shadowheart). They need more information.

"Who are you?" Hector asks the pixie.

"My name?" squeaks the pixie. "My name is Dolly thrice. Now won't you free me from this vice?"

Hector rubs the back of his neck thoughtfully. "I need protection from this curse," he says cautiously. "If I release you, will you help me travel through the shadows?"

The pixie's voice jumps yet another octave in excitement. "It would be my pleasure, truly! Once I'm freed I'll help you duly!"

Hector glances at the others uncertainly. This feels like a terrible idea - it's all too possible that the thing is tricking them. But it goes against his own instincts to leave a thinking creature imprisoned like this, even for his own benefit, and even if it didn't, Karlach's hangdog, worried expression would be enough to convince him. He can't let anything stand that puts that expression on her face.

Release the pixie.

The cage of the lantern swings open and the pixie erupts outwards from it, the glow around her fading as she moves. She settles into the air at his eye level - a woman's form, purple in both skin and dress.

"FINALLY!" she cries. Freed from her prison, she is no longer putting on a squeaky, innocent act; her voice is about two octaves lower now, and coarse as sandpaper. "Been trapped in that coffin with no one but a mad drider and my own farts for company." She squints at Hector thoughtfully. "Did me a good turn there, didn't you? What do I owe you?"

"I need to get through this shadow curse," Hector repeats patiently, watching anxiously for any sign that the tiny creature is going to abandon them. "Can you help?"

"Sure, I caaaan," she says cheerfully. "But will I?"

She waits just long enough to watch the expression of alarm flash onto Hector's face. Then she laughs. "Yeah, sure, why not."

"Here. Give this bell a shake, speak the magic words, and you'll get what you've earned. Protection from the shadow curse; what more could a dingus want?"

Turning, she zips off into the darkness without waiting for a response. "You're welcome!"

True to her word, everyone on the team now has an (apparently permanent) buff:

This is actually huge, since it means Hector no longer has to carry the moonlantern as his active equipment and can stop doing unarmed strikes in combat in dark areas. A little less ideal for anyone in the Harpers who was expecting to use this lantern when/if we get back, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

[malikselfindulgence]

Hello! Not a request but a question. I hope I won’t make you uncomfortable, sorry— but you could please explain to me what systems are? Or sending some links explaining? I have saw it sometimes but never could understand it well… I just want to get informed since some of my moots are and I want to support and learn more about them.

No worries, this doesn't make me uncomfortable at all, and I'm glad you asked!

First things first, every system or person with DID is different with different experiences. I'll be describing some of my own here, but just know it could always be different for others. The best way to support someone is to ask them questions, see what their experiences are like, and try and educate yourself outside of that as well!

Anyone feel free to correct me on anything I got wrong! DID is still seen in a horrible light where I live, which is hard for me, but I've been trying my best to learn

DID/dissociative identity disorder is usually caused by traumatic events in childhood, where the child proceeds to try and distance themselves from this trauma by dissociating, or pushing the events and memories onto another self, thus creating a fragmented sense of identity. This usually causes amnesia as well, due to repressing memories

A system is a body that has dissociative identity disorder/other specified dissociative disorder. There's usually a "host", the core of the body, and "alters", other personalities who diverge from the host

"Fronting" is a term usually used to describe which alter is in control of the body's actions at the time, or most present in the moment. Not all people with DID have such distinct compartilzations, though. Sometimes multiple alters might be fronting, sometimes you might not know at all. Remember that DID is a dissociate disorder!

Alters have a wide range depending on person to person- sometimes they have different interests, names, genders, ages and the like, and sometimes they're a lot more foggy and unspecific than that. People can have even up to 100 alters, or just the one. For me, it's only me and my alter Blaze! He's only chosen a name for himself pretty recently, though.

Remember to ask, if they're comfortable with it, more about alters and their differences. And, again if they're comfortable with it, who's fronting right now so you can differentiate between them. It's a nice way to show you respect their identities and that you care!

Here are some links that go a little more in-depth about the symptoms of DID!

Link 1 ☆ Link 2 ☆ CARRD made by someone w DID!

I talk a bit more about my own experiences with DID down below, but you can skip this bit >.> TW: mentions of childhood sexual abuse past this point

While I am not medically diagnosed with DID, I've had 3 therapists say I have a dissociative disorder and it's highly likely to be DID/OSDD, but since a medical diagnosis like that would literally wreck my life in this backwards ass country lol I don't want it on any of my records [same thing with autism! I was asked to get a formal diagnosis but my mother literally refused]

I formed my alter Blaze due to repeated sexual abuse at school from a teacher, and grooming from an older woman. Blaze was there to help me manage my emotions, and take over when I was too overwhelmed to even speak let alone move or function properly. I know I speak about it in a fairly casual and friendly manner on here, but DID has heavily affected my life. There's things neither me or Blaze can remember, and it scares us. There's days where I feel so far away from my body and I shut down completely because I don't feel like I really exist in the physical world. There's days where I or Blaze look in the mirror and we can't see ourselves, and it's very distressing.

I've been getting much more comfortable talking about it online! The community is very loving and open, and it's helped me and Blaze feel more comfortable. Nobody irl knows this part of me, despite the fact our mom notices the changes in behaviour sometimes, so it's nice having somewhere to talk about it

Me and Blaze been trying to manage our symptoms and relationship better! Things are much much better than they were in the past, especially now that we're far away from our past sexual harassors.

I think that's about it! I hope this helped at least somewhat, and feel free to ask more questions if you've got any! ☆

[belit0]

Killer

Pairing: Uchiha Izuna / Senju Tobirama

Cold metal against his temple is the only reminder of how terrifying this is. Sound of a trigger being pulled, no bullets ending his life.

Izuna lives for one more minute, at least.

He never thought about ending this way when all he was trying to do was capture one of the most wanted assassins in the whole fucking country.

Come to think of it, meeting the white demon himself so casually when investigating clues leading to him is not ordinary.

Tobirama is cautiously deadly, always clean of any scene he creates, leaving no marks that could lead the police to him. It is only because of his modus operandi the force can recognize his actions.

Three fresh cuts on the face of his victims by the time Izuna arrives on the scene.

His tongue works with arduous dedication as the man holds his hair tightly, pushing him against his pelvis and making the weapon feel on his head.

Izuna is too young to be experiencing something like this. 20 years does not prepare you to face a madman of this caliber. Taking this case, even though his brother thought he was prepared to face it, was a mistake.

Forcibly kneeling in front of the killer, panic unravels like a storm in his stomach. It is the first time he has seen Tobirama, a man without even a photo to identify him and no fingerprints in the system.

Still, he is admittedly hot, with cold eyes and a physique which should not be easy to maintain.

Those biceps he rebelled by removing his shirt hinted at a clear advantage to manhandle his small body however he pleases, and Izuna couldn’t fight back as he collapsed to the ground on his knees.

The gun to his temple, however, was a surprise.

Tobirama cruelly informs as he maneuvers his mouth over his cock.

“There is a single bullet inside this pistol. For every minute your fucking trap is not filled with my cum, I’m going to shoot. I hope you know what you're doing.”

There are tears streaming down his face as soon as the madman finishes speaking, and his head only moves because it’s the other man helping him.

To be honest, Izuna is unfairly good at any sexual activity. Countless amounts of his free hours spent satiating an uncontrollable appetite yielded him great skill. But to do it with this pressure, with the killer he’s been chasing for months, knowing there’s a man willing to kill him inside his mouth?

No matter how beautiful the bastard is, how good that overworked chest or his expression of pleasure looks.

There’s no way anyone could pull anything like that off.

When the trigger is pulled for the first time, he shudders, a humiliating sound escaping his clogged throat sounding more like a moan than a scream.

This further arouses Tobirama, who continues to move fluidly using the young man’s limp tongue.

“Come on, little detective. Are you looking to die? Show me what you’ve got.”

There is no way to fight the superior strength of who is inside him, and Izuna doesn’t understand how he was so careless to come to this. He should have identified the strangeness of those obvious clues leading him to this remote hotel. He ought to have stopped and analyzed those acts instead of rushing under the emotion of getting a breakthrough after so much frustration.

At some point it is he who moves his lips, for Tobirama stands still and squeezes his hair even harder. Obscene moans escape his chest with each swirl of his tongue, and he decides it’s best to end this as soon as possible.

The faster this bastard comes, the faster that weapon will disappear from his head.

Maybe he’ll even cut him down and call for reinforcements.

Putting into practice everything he has learned after hours of extensive juvenile cock sucking, the young man closes his eyes and tries to imagine a normal situation. His hands cease digging fingernails into the man’s thighs, and one caresses his sack while the other masturbates what doesn’t fit in his mouth.

“Won’t you look at this, our detective showing what a slut he is?”

Without going too deep, Izuna breathes through his nose while working profusely.

Third shot.

Even thicker tears fall down his cheeks, but this time he doesn’t cry out at the action. He chooses that precise moment to sink his face into the man’s pelvis, swallowing his length completely.

Killer’s grunts influence him, of which he is not proud, and in some perverse way, his own shaft is hard. That hand that was caressing those balls travels down to his own dick, touching himself despite the present threat.

“You like that, don’t you love? Maybe I should pull the trigger even faster to make you come too?”

That raspy voice sends electricity down his spine, and Izuna can’t help but moan.

Breathing is complicated when every time his lips are disconnected from his work, the criminal pushes him back with no mercy. Lack of oxygen makes everything more difficult to comprehend, but he clearly hears that horrible sound.

Fourth shot.

His luck will run out at any moment, and Russian roulette waits for no one.

“Come on baby, I’d hate having to get rid of such a pretty face.”

For the first time in the entire act, Izuna opens his eyes and connects with that devilish look. His tongue chooses just the right moment to travel along the expanse of his head, scratching his teeth against sensitive skin in what he knows is pleasure and not pain.

It seems to drive the man mad, who grunts gutturally and drops the gun. The weapon falls to the floor at the same time his two hands grasp the young man’s head, mercilessly fucking his mouth.

Izuna’s cheeks are completely red and stained with tears, his hand working more forcibly on himself. Saliva escaping from his lips stains the ground beneath his knees, and his eyes close again because of the force applied to his mouth.

Long white strands are suddenly released at the back of his throat, and even when his gag reflex is fully active, the man refuses to separate himself from the overwhelming heat of his cavity.

Izuna does not even have the chance to spit out what bursts inside him, liquid completely pushed to the bottom of his being.

When he is satisfied, Tobirama releases him with strange gentleness and supports him towards bed, settling him there and making him come with his own hands. With the deprivation of air and sudden pleasure, the young man doesn’t even have time to think about how to act against him, writhing under Tobirama’s enormous hands.

His body and mind are completely exhausted, seeking refuge in the hotel bed and hiding the terror in his eyes.

Tobirama seems to notice his reluctance to make eye contact and explains with a smirk

“It wasn’t even loaded, don’t worry.”

[blog-name-idk]

Umm hello! This is very embarrassing, but someone found a racist slur I used in one of my fics. I'm now going to take some time to re-read and and evaluate my wording on my other works, but if anyone has found anything similar or concerning that they feel comfortable telling me about, please feel free to do so! I'll explain more under the cut.

TW: Derogatory slur for Inuit people. (Which, am I basically saying "The People people"? Like saying chai tea?) And other problematic names for other cultures/ethnicities still widely used in commercial culture today (as examples).

I used the term "esk*mo kiss" in Chapter 14 of Everything Falls, which in itself is generally used to describe nose kisses.

The term esk*mo itself is unacceptable/offensive to many, very understandably so because it was a colonial name imposed on them by non-Indigenous people. Here is an NPR article (from 2016 but I think it still holds up) that goes into more detail.

The currently accepted word to describe people native to Alaska/Arctic regions is Inuit (singular: Inuk), and the actual word for their nose kiss (which is a way of showing affection) is kunik.

What's even more embarrassing than being ignorant is that I wasn't even ignorant. Like I know not to use the term esk*mo by itself, that Inuit/Inuk is the correct verbage, and yet when writing the term "e. kiss" my brain just glazed over because it was such a "normal" phrase for me growing up. Even now thinking the term doesn't ring any bells or make me feel uncomfortable, which shows just how much social conditioning affects our "gut instincts".

I think it's a good lesson to always try to be mindful and really think about the things we say because no matter how educated and informed we believe we are, we're only human and thus constantly in a state of growth and learning. We are responsible when our actions hurt others, but often we're ignorant of our own ignorance (lol) until it's pointed out to us. It shouldn't be the hurt party's responsibility to do so, but sometimes that's the only way the perpetrator (me) can get a dose of reality.

I feel like this kind of thing happens all the time (just look at all the problematic "traditional" names for house plants) and our brains just skate over it because we're used to it.

Anyway I'm not trying to be preachy or overly dramatic or holier-than-thou. It's easy to look at people who get cancelled (on Tumblr or in regular pop culture) and write them off as idiots because I would never do or say the thing they did. I've definitely looked down my nose at people from my high horse because I thought I was a "better person" than them.

It was a good wake-up call to not get complacent and remember that just because I think I'm a good person/don't have bad intentions, that doesn't absolve me from responsibility. Yes, I will be going back through my old fics and current WIPs because it shouldn't be someone else's responsibility to find issues and point them out to me. However, I'm sure there are still things I'm inherently ignorant to and might miss.

No one should feel obligated to let me know if they see anything (definitely don't want to force anyone to relive trauma or bad experiences), but I will definitely appreciate anyone who does! Thank you to the anon who reached out to me and let me know about this instance.

[waterfall-ambience]

You're too kind! I love hearing you talk about stuff, especially with Perpetua! xD

I was reading through Act 2 and the part in chapter seventeen was too cute, they are such dorks! Love their friendship! :]

If It's okay I want to ask some questions not from the prompt, feel free to ignore this if you don't want to because this will be a lot coming from me...

With Avery when did he know he was trans and how did he struggle with his gender? I know in the doc you wrote about him using they/them for a period and then going by he/him. In terms of gender and identity, how's Perpetua about it world-wise? (Hopefully, I worded that right I just mean in a worldbuilding sense if the place is accepting about people's identity and orientation though considering its literal captain is bi, I'd say yes? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)

Question about Cap Luna and Damien, is there anything they do similarity-wise with habits and mannerisms? Also if anyone compared the two to each other, how would they react?

Hehe thank you for your kind message! I'm so glad Perpetua, in the form it's currently in, managed to bring at least one person some amount of joy :] Please, feel free to ask me any questions, give comments, feedback- anything! :D

Yeah, Perpetua is quite accepting of people’s identities! It’s been that way for most of its history, especially compared to the ‘outside world’. That’s not to say it never had any work to do or boundaries to push, but the guiding principles of being accepting and kind to others has served it well in the long-term.

(This was mostly a thing that emerged from Luna’s leadership and the circumstances that led to it. Edward was ambition and power before all else- Perpetua would’ve been very different had he remained as captain.)

With Avery, I imagine that he started feeling uncomfortable with the idea of growing up into a woman around the time he was going to hit/just hit puberty (so like, 8-9). Minerva hit puberty at around that age, so she was already preparing to give him the Talk about growing up and what that means. Other people started noticing that he was getting taller, but all-around he was getting more comments of how he was going to grow into ‘a fine young lady’ and he didn't know how to feel about it.

At the time, he was already considered to be ‘a bit of a tomboy’ but he hadn’t thought much about it. As far as anyone was concerned, he was just a little girl who liked swords and knights and ninjas and stuff. Minerva just assumed his discomfort was from a general fear of growing up, and she assured him that there wasn’t anything wrong with not doing ‘girly’ things.

He didn’t know how to resolve this for a while. After talking about his anxieties to his mother, some of Perpetua’s doctors and queer members, the Tan’s decided course of action was to give Avery puberty blockers until he was prepared to go through with it, with the option of giving him HRT once he’s older if he turned out to be trans. Perpetua was a safe space to experiment with gender identity, and with its resources, social and medical transition could be easy enough.

Avery spent some time as a GNC girl (‘maybe I’m just a tomboy!’, effectively changing nothing) and a nonbinary kid (‘maybe I like being seen as something else?’) until eventually realising that he just liked being seen as a boy. This was around the time Chapter 2 took place, though he didn’t start using he/him until a bit after the reading scene.

In regards to the medical transition side of things, I’m honestly not sure where Avery would be in the current arc. I want to say that he’s either just started HRT or will start in the next year or two. Perpetua plays by different rules than our world in that it’s much smaller + Avery can bypass the bureaucratic aspects of the modern healthcare system + transphobia is nowhere near as prevalent. However, from a meta perspective, there’s not a lot of information on starting HRT before the age of 16 (if anyone could link me to a study I would love to read it!), so I’m keeping that part ambiguous for now.

Similar Habits between Luna and Damien:

With these two, I don’t actually have a written-out list of habits that they share. Part of this is because despite what they believe, Damien isn’t really a clone of Luna. He was, at some point, now he’s much closer to being a copy of Augustin.

I try to treat them more like foils or parallel characters rather than extensions of each other. Because of drastic differences in age & circumstances, most of the similarities between them are more internal & personality-based than anything else (they’re kind, introspective, tend to blame themselves for things, feel their emotions very strongly, etc.).

From the habits and mannerisms that they do share, a lot of it is quite minor. They’re liable to pace back and forth / leg bounce when they’re nervous, they sit up straight around other people and hardly ever break eye contact in conversation. They roll their eyes like 🔄 rather than ↕️. When they find something they like (eg a product, an ice cream flavour, a specific way of doing things), they will stick to it, and are unlikely to try something different. They would listen to the same song / 2-3 songs on repeat for hours. They regularly crack their fingers, bathe every day, and have a tendency to smile whenever they’re uncomfortable.

However, since comparisons between both of them are inevitable, Luna’s reactions are rooted in a personal ‘goal’ to not get defensive about stuff. He’ll take the information calmly, perhaps laugh it off, ask for clarification and evaluate any new information + introspection before accepting/ politely rejecting the comment.

With Damien, his overall reactions aren’t too different, but he’s not great at remaining stoic so you WILL see it on his face. He probably won’t take offence (or, if he does, he plays it more as a joke), but he’s definitely going to internalise it for a while regardless if it’s a positive or negative comment.

[hollandorks]

saved

matt murdock x original female character

chapter eleven

Summary: Fleeing from an abusive relationship, Grace St. James goes to the only place she still has a friend: Hell’s Kitchen. She’s forced to live in her car and beg for a job from the law firm Nelson, Murdock, and Page all the while making sure her past doesn’t catch up to her. Enter Matt Murdock: cocky, handsome, and willing to let her live with him for free until she can afford to get a place of her own. Grace is drawn to Matt in a way she’s never been drawn to anyone, causing sparks to fly as they inevitably grow closer and closer.

a/n: we’re almost to the parts that inspired this entire fic, which is crazy because we’re also like 50k words into it....huh. Thanks as usual for the feedback and love on this self-indulgent fic of mine. 

***NSFW themes/ allusions in this chapter!***

Series Masterlist

word count: 4931

He needed to find out who owned that building and where they had gone and when they might come back.

And he had to find out what their connection to Grace was.

Grace’s POV 

Grace was embarrassed to admit how long she spent on that rooftop waiting on Daredevil to come back. She was cold and stiff and exhausted by the time she gave up. It was almost two in the morning when she went back into the warmth of the apartment. 

Matt was still gone. Grace frowned at the empty couch. Her thoughts turned, again, to him spending the night with a faceless woman and her stomach turned. 

She somehow fell asleep quickly and easily. For once, she wasn’t plagued by nightmares and she wondered if it was because she had finally taken action–even if that action was to give information to a vigilante. 

She woke up exhausted for work Monday morning. Matt was either still gone or had come and left again without her knowing. 

She hesitated for a moment before she left. Then, against her better judgment, she ran up to the roof to check and see if maybe a note had been left for her. 

But there was nothing. 

Resigned to waiting, Grace headed to work, already two cups of coffee deep in what was inevitably going to be a long day. 

Though she wasn’t late, everyone else had beat her to the office. They were gathered around Matt’s desk, talking softly and drinking coffee, when Grace came in. 

“Good morning,” she called softly, punctuated by a yawn. She dropped her stuff on the desk and immediately went to retrieve a third coffee. 

The other three were still talking in Matt’s office as Grace got settled at her desk and pulled up the schedule for the day. She forwarded each of them important meetings then checked the office’s voicemail for messages that had been left over the weekend. 

Eventually, Karen and Foggy went to their own offices right as the first couple of clients arrived. One was established already, a small domestic case over some broken patio furniture, while the second was a woman who seemed nervous just to be in there. 

“Hi,” Grace said as she approached the woman. She’d taken to greeting clients as she got more comfortable, though she wasn’t sure if it was technically part of her job. “Welcome to Nelson, Murdock, and Page. Do you have an appointment?” 

The woman–tall and overly thin, like she’d missed one too many meals–glanced around with wide brown eyes. There were dark circles under them that were badly covered up with makeup. “Uh. No, I don’t, I’m sorry–” 

“That’s alright, we do take walk-ins.” Grace smiled at the woman. The patio furniture case was being handled by Foggy, who was meeting that client in his office, while Matt and Karen were both working on paperwork. “What can we help you with?” 

The woman shifted uncomfortably, eyes darting back and forth. She seemed to be focusing her attention on Karen, who had looked up from her paperwork and was watching curiously. 

“Can I get you something to drink first?” Grace asked, switching tactics. Something within her stirred in recognition. She had a feeling she knew what the woman was there for. 

“Yes please,” she said in a low voice. 

“Coffee? Water? Tea?” 

“Water, please.” The woman fiddled with the hem of her shirt and shifted from foot to foot. 

Grace motioned for her to take a seat and went to fetch her drink. As she went, she caught Karen’s eye and inclined her head. 

“Ma’am?” Karen said as Grace poured a cup of water. “Come into my office.” 

Grace grabbed her laptop with her free hand. Usually, with new cases, she took notes that she then passed on as they started to build each case. She handed the cup to the woman and gently closed the door to Karen’s office behind her. She angled the last empty chair more into the corner of the room so that Karen and the client were the focus. 

Cup in hand, the woman seemed to relax. “I’m being stalked by an ex. I heard you guys help with things like that, so…” 

“We can definitely help. Why don’t you tell me what’s going on while Miss St. James takes notes. It’s best to get these things down as soon as possible so we can start making our case.” Karen smiled warmly at the woman. 

Grace opened a document on her laptop and waited, fingers poised against the keys. Something seemed to pass between all three women as the client took a deep breath and began her story. 

Her name was Celine Harris. Two years prior, she had left a long term relationship because the man had gotten possessive and controlling, though he’d never physically harmed her. He had been obsessive after their breakup, first starting out needy and pleading before he devolved into angry and threatening. She’d changed her number and moved apartments after repeated threats from him. A year had gone by without incident. Then the threatening letters started to appear. At first she wasn’t sure who they were from, thinking it was a prank, but then the letters started referencing specific things from the relationship. After that, the man started showing up at her job, her local coffee shop, and sometimes outside on her street at night. 

Karen recommended proceeding with an order of protection against the man first and foremost and immediately started the paperwork. 

It was almost lunchtime by the time Celine Harris left. 

Karen and Grace exchanged a look. 

“Wow,” Karen said after a long moment. 

“Yeah,” Grace agreed. The entire time Celine had been talking, something had been twisting in Grace’s gut. She wanted to tell her that she wasn’t alone, that she had been through something similar. That she knew what it was like to be afraid of someone you had once loved. But she didn’t want to admit to anything in front of Karen. Though they were fast becoming friends, Grace didn’t want anything to change in how they viewed her, any of them. She wanted to be just Grace, to be herself without any influence from Dean and what he’d done to her. 

“You were great with her,” Grace said after a long moment had passed. She knew she’d want someone like Karen on her side if she were in the same boat. 

Karen shrugged and shuffled her papers into a folder. “I know what it’s like,” she said. “Not necessarily being stalked, but the…hard life. The fear. I’ll tell you about it sometime.” 

The twisted thing inside Grace twisted harder. “I’d…like that. Sometime.” 

Karen flashed her a smile. 

The rest of the day passed quickly. In the quiet moments between clients and paperwork, Grace tried to see if she could prove who owned the warehouse she’d told Daredevil about. She was certain one of her coworkers would have a way to look into it, but she didn’t want to have to explain to them why she needed the information. 

She left a little early in order to make it to the showing of the first apartment on her list.

The building was in need of some severe renovations, most of the outer lights broken or missing, while the entryway at least was well-lit. Grace shuddered as a rat skittered by and disappeared down the first floor hallway. The place was well within her budget, and she was starting to see why. 

The realtor showed her around the tiny apartment. It was a one bedroom, one bathroom with a kitchenette tinier than the one at the office and a shower stall that would barely fit her small stature, let alone anyone bigger. The small living room was dirty, cigarette smoke staining the walls and ceiling and creating a funk in the air. 

Grace tried to think positively and consider how satisfying it would be to clean the place up. 

“I can have the paperwork brought up,” the realtor was saying, a tall, thin man who smelled just as strongly of cigarettes as the apartment did. “While you go over the rental agreement we’ll run a quick background check, and then I’ll need your information for the security deposit and first and last month’s rent. We’ll also need a list of your previous addresses.” 

Grace blinked. A background check? For this shithole? And previous addresses–she wasn’t sure if they’d check into it, if something might lead Dean to her. 

“I’ll have to think about it,” she said, which was the truth. She would have to convince herself to take it, if it was worth the risk. 

The realtor frowned and stroked his chin. “I can’t promise any holds. If someone else is interested, they get it as soon as they sign the paperwork.” 

“I understand,” Grace said. “Will you call me if it becomes unavailable?” 

The man shrugged noncommittally. 

Grace took one more glance around before excusing herself to the next showing. 

The second apartment building was a good bit farther from work, but in much better shape. It was still a little dirty and outdated, but she didn’t see any evidence of rats, and all of the lights outside and inside seemed to work. The apartment was also on the first floor, which she thought would make moving a lot easier. 

The realtor was a woman this time, and Grace almost laughed as the woman stubbed out a cigarette when she approached the building. She was going to have to get used to the smell, she supposed. 

“Miss St. James?” the woman said. 

They shook hands and entered the apartment. It was slightly bigger than the last one–which was reflected in the price of rent–but still small. Grace liked it immediately, though the windows didn’t open and there were several questionable stains on the floors. But the shower tiles were a brilliant forest green and a couch was included when she moved in and she had enough room to breathe unlike in the last place. 

“It’s great,” she told the realtor as she continued to glance around. She imagined a bookshelf in one corner and a small TV in the other, and a green bedspread and throw pillows to match the bathroom. “I’m definitely interested.” 

“Great. I’ll get the application started. We have to run a background check, of course, and I’ll require a letter from your previous landlord. There’s also a security deposit and first and last month’s rent required.” The woman pulled out a tablet and started rapidly pressing icons. 

Grace’s heart stuttered. “Uh…I didn’t have a previous landlord. My ex-boyfriend owned the home where we lived.” 

“A letter from him will do just fine, as long as we have proof he owned the home included,” the realtor said. 

“That might be…difficult. It was a bad breakup.” Grace swallowed and looked around the apartment one more time. Her dreams of matching bedspreads and throw pillows were quickly dissolving around her. 

“I’m sorry, it’s a requirement.” She shrugged. “Even if you have to go through his lawyer or something.” 

“I…” Grace didn’t know what to say. She needed a place to live. But if Dean found out where she was…she didn’t know if he would do anything, but she didn’t want to risk it. She didn’t want him anywhere near her life anymore. “I’ll have to look at my budget one more time. It’s a little bit outside my range.” She smiled apologetically. 

“I have another showing tomorrow at six. If I haven’t heard from you by then, it’s theirs if they want it.” 

“Okay. I’ll let you know before that, I promise.” 

Grace thanked the realtor and left feeling worse than she had in a while. 

The hope she’d been carefully nurturing was blackening and withering. 

To distract herself, she bought dinner at a nearby food truck and went into a bookstore for a while without buying anything. Both were close to the apartment, which only made her feel worse. Would it be worth it to reach out to Dean? Maybe she could use her mother as a go-between. 

Finally, she dragged herself back to Matt’s. 

He was sitting at the kitchen table, laptop and papers spread around him, when she got back. His shirt was partially unbuttoned, sleeves rolled up, hair mussed like he’d been running his fingers through it. Her eyes automatically strayed to the skin of his throat. 

“How was apartment hunting?” he asked, somehow knowing it was her before she spoke. 

Grace groaned and went to the fridge for a water. When she turned, Matt was smiling a little. 

“That good, huh?” He shuffled some papers back into a folder and took out the earbud that dictated documents to him. 

She opened her mouth to try and explain how the blossoming hope had turned to ash in her mouth. But all that came out was, “I don’t think I’ll get either of the apartments I looked at, no.” 

Matt shrugged, the perfect picture of ease as he leaned back with his legs spread and one elbow hooked on the back of the chair. “You know you can stay here as long as you like,” he said softly. “It might be better for you, anyways. That way you can save more and get something nice.” 

She made a face somewhere between a wince and a grimace. “I don’t want to overstay my welcome is all.” And then there was the complication of every place requiring her to either outright contact Dean or have him contacted on her behalf. 

Matt straightened, face utterly serious. “You won’t. I mean it. Stay as long as you like.” 

There was almost a growl to his words. The sound of it sent Grace’s pulse tripping over itself. 

She sighed and mentally shook herself. “Thank you. I–”

“You don’t have to thank me,” Matt said with a wave of dismissal. “Really.” 

“But I will anyway.” 

Grace took a long, extra hot shower to try and drown her frustration. Dean was ruining her life even when he wasn’t in it, and she was just so tired of it. 

She later laid in bed for a long time without sleeping, watching the lights from the sign across the street shift from blue to purple to red and back again. Maybe it had been the deep, commanding tone of Matt’s voice or maybe it had been his muscled forearms or even her general frustration, but Grace couldn’t stop picturing herself standing between Matt’s legs while he sat spread out at the table. She pictured the way his head would tilt up to her, the way his hands would rest on her hips. 

And maybe that was why, when she finally fell into a restless sleep, she dreamed that the mattress was dipping behind her with Matt’s weight. 

His breath was hot against the back of her neck. One of his callused hands slid up the outside of her thigh and over the curve of her hip. Her breath caught as she arched into him, eyes closed tight against the world around her. There was only the silkiness of the sheets and the heat of Matt as his body pressed into hers. 

The hand on her hip slid forward and pressed against her stomach before inching upwards. His fingers brushed against the bottom of her breast and the touch sent electricity over her skin. 

“Grace,” he murmured into her hair. His lips brushed against her neck then sucked gently. She could feel how hard he was against her ass and she pressed into him to make him moan. She wanted him to make her come undone and to make him come undone in return. 

“Matt,” she moaned as he palmed her breast. She realized she was naked, that he was naked too, and her entire body filled with a slow, burning heat. His hand traced lazy circles on her abdomen and up over her breast and down again, teasing her, setting her skin on fire. His other hand fisted in the hair at the back of her neck and tilted her head back so he could kiss her jaw. 

“Matt, please,” she said, her body on fire with need as his hands continued to tease her. 

She felt him nudge against her, pressing her open, sliding into the wetness between her thighs. 

And then she jolted awake. 

Her alarm was going off. Grace groaned and smacked her phone to turn it off. 

She could still feel the phantom heat of Matt behind her, touching her, kissing her neck and jaw. She felt the ghost of his hands tracing her abdomen and her breasts, lighting her on fire from the inside out. 

She had never wanted a dream to be real so badly before–she had never even had a dream as intense as that before. 

She bit her lip, hard, to try and refocus the heat that was still all over her body, but then her mind helpfully supplied an image of Matt doing the same thing for her. She groaned and rolled to press her face into her pillow. Every part of her ached with emptiness. She had been able to hide her want from herself for so long but this–this had broken that wall down so thoroughly it was nothing but dust. 

She heard the telltale creak of the shower shutting off. 

She wanted to shower so she could take care of some of the flames lingering in her body and low in her belly, but she’d already showered the night before and knew it’d look weird. 

She tasted blood and started. She hadn’t stopped biting her lip. 

Fuck, she thought, because she really didn’t have any options. Especially with Matt in the very next room, getting ready for work like she hadn’t just had the most intense sex dream of her life with him as the star. 

And to make matters worse, Matt stepped into the bedroom in his slacks with his shirt unbuttoned. 

“Sorry,” he said so softly she almost didn’t hear him over the roaring in her ears. “Forgot my belt.” 

Grace stopped breathing. She screwed her eyes shut and focused on settling her thoughts and her body along with them. The flash of hard muscle had been enough to send her spiraling right back to the dream, her hands itching to see if the muscle was as toned as it looked. 

It was going to be a very, very long day. 

Matt’s POV

Matt was in agony. 

With his senses like they were, he tried very hard to give the people around him the privacy they deserved. He tried to tune them out, to let other noises wash away the tells of their bodies, but sometimes it didn’t always work like he wanted. 

It was one such morning. 

He’d been roused from sleep by his name, of all things. 

Jerking upright, heart pounding with a surge of adrenaline, he paused and listened. 

It was early but quickly approaching the time to get ready for work, the city slowly but surely waking up outside. He could hear the steady increase in traffic and noise and the lack of the buzzing streetlights, which meant the sun was rising if not risen. 

And there, halfway between a whisper and a moan, his name. 

Grace. 

She had said his name in her sleep. 

Matt’s heart stuttered a quick beat in his chest. 

Every single one of his senses focused on the bedroom without him willing them to. He was glad he was sitting, because what he found would have knocked him over. 

Grace was aroused. It was so heavy in the air that Matt forced himself to hold his breath. It was a heady scent, so utterly hers that his body responded immediately. She was writhing in the sheets, murmuring his name, and smelling like that. 

Matt pressed his hands over his ears as if it would stop the noises. 

He muttered a curse to himself even as his body hopelessly reacted. 

She was asleep, definitely still asleep, her heart still steady and relatively slow despite the way she was twisting herself in the sheets. In his sheets. His sheets that smelled like her all the time, that put his own scent on her skin, marking her as his even when she wasn’t. 

It was becoming harder and harder to tune Grace out in his daily life, which meant every one of his working senses was turned towards her even as he willed himself away. 

He stood and paced, hoping she would wake soon to get ready for work. 

Then she moaned his name again. 

A fire raged beneath his skin and consumed him alive. 

Matt half-stumbled to the bathroom. He turned the shower on and left it ice cold. Maybe between the shock to his system and the noise of the water he could….forget this was happening. If not, then he’d be clean, and he could run as quickly as possible to work and calm down there, away from Grace. 

Another wave of her scent hit him as he undressed. He had to lean his forehead against the shower tiles for a full minute before he gave in and took matters into his own hands. 

Literally. 

By the time he was finished, Grace’s alarm was blaring. Matt dried off and did his best to continue ignoring her as best as he could. 

He’d taken to leaving his work clothes in the bathroom so he could change, since he usually woke earlier than her. He didn’t want to wake her up by digging in his dresser or wardrobe. 

Matt muttered another curse when he realized he’d forgotten his belt.

It sounded like Grace may have dozed off again, her heart slow and steady, her body still. 

Just as he stepped into the room he scented blood. He frowned and then decided he didn’t want to know. Grace shifted almost imperceptibly. Awake, then. He wanted to curse again but resolved instead to simply hurry. 

“Sorry,” he said quietly in case she wasn’t fully awake. “Forgot my belt.” 

He’d forgotten to button his shirt, too. His entire mind was twisted in knots over her. He had to check the label on his belts twice to make sure he grabbed the black one and not the brown one. He couldn’t think with her so close. 

Grace was holding so still he wasn’t sure she was breathing. 

Matt focused every ounce of his attention on getting his belt and leaving as quickly as possible. He held his breath, afraid to scent or, God forbid, taste any lingering hints of her arousal in the air. 

He hated that he knew she had dreamt about something like that, that she had said his name in her sleep, that she might be as twisted into knots inside as he was. 

Matt practically ran out of the apartment once he was dressed. Forget coffee, forget breakfast, forget everything. He needed out. He barely remembered his cane and his glasses before he darted outside. 

The fresh air–as fresh as it could get in Hell’s Kitchen, that is–tasted of winter and car exhaust and sweat and asphalt. 

It was infinitely better than the air in his apartment, saturated with Grace. 

Matt groaned and took a second to gather himself as he leaned against the cold bricks of the building. 

How could he ever talk to her again, knowing what he knew? It was such a huge invasion of privacy and he hadn’t even meant to do it. And yet he had done it. And then he’d disrespected her farther by–Well, he’d had to do something, though already it was as if he'd never spent those extra few minutes in the shower. 

Matt mentally shook himself and walked the rest the way to work. He made himself breathe as if he were meditating, focusing only on swinging his cane and not running into anything. He centered himself as he walked and emptied all extra thoughts from his mind. 

By the time he was sitting at his desk with coffee in hand, it was better.  

Karen arrived first, yawning a greeting to him as she went to start some paperwork. They were gearing up to finish their first big case as a trio with the client Marci had sent their way. The trial was coming up and they were all working extra on top of their normal caseloads. 

Matt focused on his own work, sinking into it gratefully, his mind finally clearing the rest of the way. He was even able to act normal around Grace when she arrived, telling her something vague about getting a headstart on work, backed up by Karen’s presence and the mountains of paper on every desk in the office. 

Things went downhill very, very quickly. 

Grace settled at her desk and yawned. Then she shuddered a little. Matt forced his mind away from her and back to the papers he was reading. 

It hit him like a tidal wave. The scent of her arousal was so strong out of nowhere that he had to thunk his head down on his desk. 

“Jesus Christ,” he muttered, because that was about the only thing that would come out of his mouth that wasn’t a string of expletives. 

What on earth had she dreamt about? 

Matt cursed his abilities from top to bottom. He wished, just for a day, to be normal. If it had been anyone else–when it was anyone else–it was so easy to tune out he didn’t have to concentrate. 

But with Grace, it was like she was right next to him, whispering in his ear how turned on she was. And no matter how hard he tried to concentrate on literally anything else, he couldn’t stop focusing on her. 

It was bad enough that he had a crush on her. Now lust was added into the mix because he couldn’t stop invading her privacy and noticing that she’d had a sex dream. A sex dream where she’d said her name, where she kept getting aroused even at work. 

Matt thunked his head against the desk twice for good measure, but nothing worked. The thoughts of all the possible things Grace could have dreamt about chased each other around his mind over and over. 

“That kind of morning already, huh?” Foggy asked cheerfully. 

Matt jerked upright. He hadn’t heard Foggy come in, let alone stop in his doorway.

“Did you just–” Foggy laughed incredulously. “Did I just startle you, Matt?” 

Matt waved his friend away, frustrated in more ways than one. “I’m just tired, Fog.” 

Foggy made a noise like he didn’t believe it. It didn’t help that Matt’s voice was unsteady and he was probably red in the face, too. The good thing was, Foggy’s appearance tempered the smell. He’d never been so glad to smell his friend’s deodorant and cologne in his entire life. 

The rest of the day didn’t go much better. It was impossible to avoid Grace in the small office. And, the final nail in his coffin, every time he passed by her desk or even talked to her it apparently triggered her memories of whatever dream she’d had, and the scent of her arousal hit him on the head like a brick each time. He spent most of the day dazed and achingly uncomfortable. 

He needed to hit something. It wasn’t Grace’s fault that she’d had a sex dream. Even if it was a dream Matt would give the rest of his working senses to hear about. It was his fault that he kept tuning into her and not giving her the privacy she deserved. She couldn’t help it–it was a natural bodily reaction and there was nothing she could do about it. No one had control over their dreams or how their bodies reacted to them. 

Matt told her to go home without him because he had paperwork to do, which wasn’t even a lie. 

Once she was gone, he could focus again. 

He muttered another curse as he buried his head in his hands and tried to breathe around her lingering scent before he got back to work. 

“What has gotten into you?” Foggy demanded the moment Grace was gone. Matt had heard him coming this time, though. Karen had left with Grace. He could hear them talking and laughing softly on their way out of the building. 

“Nothing,” Matt said with a shrug. “It’s just been a long day.” 

“Are you–did you get a concussion or something?” 

“Why?” Matt asked, immediately suspicious of the line of questioning. 

“You’re acting kind of like you do when your super senses get shorted out.” He heard the rustle of Foggy’s shrug. 

“I guess you could say that, yeah.” Because he did feel like he’d been hit on the head repeatedly. But worse, because a concussion didn’t leave him feeling like a horny teenager all day.

“Sucks, dude.” 

“Tell me about it.” 

Matt could have admitted, then and there, that he had a crush on Grace. That he’d felt utter relief when she said the apartments she’d visited weren’t going to work out. That he didn’t want her to move out, ever. That she was slowly driving him crazy and he wanted to beg her to tell him about her dream to put him out of his misery. 

But instead he sank back into his paperwork and worked until it was well after dark. 

And then he went home to grab his duffel bag with the suit in it. He needed to hit something, to ease the tension lingering in each and every one of his muscles, to distract himself until he was exhausted so he could fall right to sleep.  

It had been a long, long day.

Next Chapter

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