#if I do get the permanent role I haven’t achieved anything just did what was expected

[shirehobbit]

had to interview for the job I’ve been doing for the past year and a half and I don’t even think I’m gonna get it

[kemetic-dreams]

Step 3: Ikenga

by Omenka Egwuatu Nwa-Ikenga "Ikenga m kwalu otu, njee mge ona mmuo" (As long as my Ikenga is active I can wrestle in the land of the spirits)

Welcome back to the 13 steps. In Step one, you learned how ncheta (remembrance) is the basis for all the other steps. In Step two, you learned on the power of your potential & kinetic energies (Chi na Eke) and how important it is to make sure they are kept in harmony with one another. Now we will again return to a common experience that nearly all humans share. Unlike the first 2 steps, you should have quite a  few memories of this one.

Do you recall the various things you wanted to be as a child? If you were anything like me, that list included alot of things through various ages. And do you remember what you did once you decided to be something? Well, you began in what is now called “make believe.” Without being coached or trained, you and your various playmates could pretend to be whatever you wanted and engage in any activity your minds could muster. You likely pretended to fight battles or engage in space exploration. Maybe you pretended to be a director and used dolls and toys as actors. The key takeaway here my brothers and sisters, is that you used the power of your imagination to create the reality you desired, even if it was a temporary thing

Now today, if you happened to stumble upon the “self help” section in any bookstore, or undergo any form of coaching or training, you will likely be told about something called “creative visualization.” A very simple definition of it would be utilizing the power of your imagination as an aide to getting better results in your life. Countless people have used it to beat addictions, overcome their fears, as well as acquire new skills. Sound familiar? It's once again a reminder of how you need to remember things as an adult that you did naturally as a child, isn't it?

Now remembering the lessons from “Step Two" and Eke have been with you as long as you’ve been on this planet, even if you’re not as in sync with them as you once were. And as I said in that lesson, Igbo culture (along with many others) left a number of reminders for you of the various things you came into the world knowing. The one reminder we will cover today is the one that goes by the name “Ikenga.”

This figure is shared amongst the Urhobo, Edo, and Igala, but the Igbo version is the most well known. Just like Chi na Eke, an entire series of books would be needed to properly expound upon Ikenga. One popular definition of Ikenga is "place of strength." However,  for the purpose of this step, we will say that Ikenga is a symbol of achievement, especially through the use of your right hand. On a sidenote, it goes without saying that for most human beings, their right hand is their dominant one. For the 10% of you for which that’s not the case, just apply this same rationale to the hand that is your dominant one for this step.

The first aspect of Ikenga we will discuss is its appearance. They come in various shapes and sizes, but one key aspect is horns, typically that of a ram, which is prizes for its aggressiveness. Just like the ram, Igbos believe that  one must plunge into a venture in order to succeed. Contrary to misinformation by Igbo Christians, Ikenga, much like other sacred objects, was not an item of worship but a visible representation of things that were invisible. In this case, Ikenga represents your divine self image. In other words, a self image based on your Chi (your unlimited potential), working in unison with your Eke (your limited kinetic energy). Ikenga is thus said to be a gift or symbol of one’s Chi. Anyone who has either achieved consistent success or studied/coached those who have, is aware of how critical having a healthy self image actually is. With an unhealthy self image, your numerous self doubts will usually defeat you before you even get started. Even if you do happen to achieve success despite a negative self image, you will likely be the victim of your own self-sabotage.

"Ebune jị isi éjé ogụ" (The ram goes into a fight head first)

Ikengas were not limited to individuals, but communities could also have them (sometimes called Ikeoha). These communal Ikengas were representations of the achievements and ideals of a community. The Ikenga of the United States of America holds a torch in her right hand, and stands tall in Liberty Island in New York Harbor

The second aspect of Ikenga we will discuss would be its adaptability, meaning its ability to change. Young men would typically get an Ikenga carved when they began their various vocations. In some ways, you could say it would be very similar to receiving a diploma in today’s world. However, an  Ikenga was not permanent, and it could evolve as the owner’s roles changed. A young man whose main task was defending his village would receive a warrior’s Ikenga holding a sword, whereas when that same man became a more accomplished elder, he would now have a title holder’s Ikenga holding a sacred staff. Alternatively, if a man chose a profession that didn't bring him much success, he could throw away the Ikenga (self image) that was not helping him and choose a new Ikenga (and possibly a new profession) that did.

Ikenga adighi ile, azilaa ya nku" (An Ikenga that is ineffective, cut it for firewood)

The third aspect is persistence. Once an Ikenga was established, a routine was established to straighten it. Regular offerings of kolanut, alligator pepper, and libations were made to it, often during the igo ofu ututu (traditional morning prayer). To the uninitiated, it would appear that the Ikenga itself is being worshipped, but I want to reveal a secret to you: If one makes a prayer, whether spoken out loud or silently, your mind cannot help but create a mental picture of whatever choice of words you use. For example, if I mention a pink elephant, you can’t help but imagine one. The same applies to things like positive thinking, affirmations, proverbs, etc. What would happen if you constantly reminded yourself of your goals? Regularly repeated words of encouragement and positivity? And returning back to your childhood, how powerful could your imagination be when if it focused on a long term goal? And even more so when you also dedicate yourself to constant practice and honing of your skills?

"Ikenga chim nyelum, taa oji" (Ikenga, gift of my chi, participate in the offering)

So in summary, an Ikenga is a divinely based self image, that changes as needed, and is fed/reinforced by persistence and dedication. And here’s a final thought my brothers and sisters. One thing about dedication is that you must accept that you’re typically not going to be very good at most things at the beginning. In fact, you’re very likely to be quite bad. However if you stick with it and learn from your mistakes, not only will you improve, you will likely become quite good.

At some point you did not have the ability to read these words at all, but through repetition and practice over time, you gained that ability didn’t you? The same applies to just about everything you now have the ability to do (walk, talk, drive, write, etc). So instead of saying that you cannot do something, you should say you haven’t done it yet.  The former may or may not be true, but the later definitely is. With a harmonized Chi na Eke (as well as working in conjunction with others), the only real limit in this universe you probably have is time. So if that's the case, why are you limiting yourself?

Step 3: I choose a divinely based self image that helps me creates the results I want and can change it when it no longer does so.

Action item: Create an Ikenga. You can draw it, or just write a description of it. Make sure to mention it in your daily prayer from step 2. Include the type of life you want to create as well as some of the goals you want to achieve. And stay tuned for step 4, which is coming out on the next new moon, November 15. Yagazie (It shall be well with you).

[murasaki-murasame]

Thoughts on Higurashi Gou Ep15

*bonk*

Actual thoughts under the cut, lol [Plus Umineko spoilers]

lmao where do I even begin with this episode.

In a lot of ways this is really reminding me of why Gou seems to be so polarizing with people, especially with old fans. Even after this episode I’m still on the side of really liking it.

On the one hand I think it’s been a good thing that Gou has had less focus on gore and violence compared to the original anime [and the VN to a lesser extent], but on the other hand I think this episode actually worked really well, specifically because of how relatively devoid of on-screen gore the first three arcs were. It makes this episode stand out way more when it’s such a step in intensity above everything that came before it.

But other than the sheer violence and horror of it all, and how off-putting that is to a lot of people, I think part of why it’s so polarizing is that this episode also has a dark comedy vibe to it, where the show is totally aware of how over the top it all is. I can see why this sort of tone might not work at all for a lot of people, and might seem outright disrespectful towards Rika as a character and the Vn in general, but I enjoyed it, since I like this sort of humour.

I also don’t think it’s that weird at all for Ryukishi to embrace the potential for dark comedy through violence. There’s already some elements of that in Umineko.

It’s also pretty obvious that the entire point of these loops was to show how Rika is getting killed almost immediately, before she has any real time to think or strategize or investigate. So I think it was necessary for us to go through it so fast in order to properly put us in Rika’s shoes as she goes through this almost rapid-fire series of comically abrupt and tragic deaths. I don’t really think that dragging this part out over more episodes would have worked as well because of that.

I do have some issues with how we’ve seen so little to do with Rika actually trying to investigate stuff, but I still like how this episode was handled.

Anyway, this does give us more clues about what’s going on with the overall mystery, both in terms of what was shown, and what wasn’t shown across these loops.

The only info we really get in each of these loops is that some seemingly random person goes fully L5 and kills Rika [and usually lots of other people as well], and that it’s happening at a way faster pace than it ever happened before. But on the other hand, there’s still no real references made to the GHD [aside from Kimiyoshi talking about the swamp gas, which isn’t quite the same thing], and Takano and Tomitake weren’t mentioned or shown at all. Same with Irie, I guess. The way that people seem to keep going L5 extremely quickly, along with the references to parasites and whatnot, feels like it’s a result of Takano injecting people with the syringe she used on Tomitake originally, and/or giving people her notes about the virus like she did with Rena in Tsumihoroboshi. But the weird thing about that is that Takano hasn’t killed Tomitake with that syringe yet in Gou, and the way these loops play out just doesn’t really feel like it matches her whole MO.

If we go with the idea that everything with her is exactly the same as it is in the vN, then the Kimiyoshi loop in particular is weird, because having Rika get dumped in the swamp would make it very hard for Takano to execute the GHD. Maybe she just didn’t plan for it to play out that way, but that’d be a kinda lame answer. This also reminds me of Rika getting dumped in the septic tank in Watadamashi, which was another murder method that seemed like it’d risk having her body only be found more than two days after she died.

There’s also the fact that in the other loops, Rika’s death isn’t set up in a way to make it look like it’s some sort of ritualistic part of the curse. This is probably less important, but Takano did apparently always set Rika’s body up at the shrine in the arcs where she kills her, because part of her whole plan was to have Rika’s death play into the curse narrative. But in basically every loop in Gou thus far, Rika’s just died in random ways, and usually there’s been obvious human culprits who killed her. So it just doesn’t really feel like Takano’s work, even though she seems like the obvious person to be setting up all these random killers.

She also only ever used that syringe on Tomitake to kill him at the festival. I don’t think she ever used it on someone with the intent of using them to kill Rika, so that’s another way in which the whole method of the ‘mastermind’ feels different to Takano. If anything it seems kinda overly complicated for Takano to do it this way, and to do it with different people each time, instead of just killing Rika herself like she does in the VN. Her whole character is defined by her unwavering will, and her desire to achieve her own dreams for herself, so having Rika get killed ‘indirectly’ in an almost randomized way seems very weird if we assume she’s still behind it. If anything, it reminds me a lot more of how the ‘roulette’ works in Umineko, lol.

In general this episode really hammered in the fact that whoever’s behind all this seems to be going out of their way to screw with Rika, and that they’re maybe acting on the fly in response to Rika’s actions, and choosing what options they think will mess with her the most in each arc. I might be wrong about that, but considering how much they seem to be leaning into this being a Bern origin story, and Featherine literally showing up in the OP, I can totally imagine that the motive of the mastermind this time is pretty much just pure sadism.

Even though Featherine is probably the one who made this new gameboard to begin with, I wouldn’t be surprised if this ends up being more like a game between Bern and Lambda, where Lambda is just toying with Bern by sticking her in this seemingly hopeless loop that’s designed to drive her to despair.

Gou still runs the risk of going off the deep end in a bad way if it leans that hard into the Umineko connections, but this whole turn of events is REALLY making this feel like a Bern origin story. And tbh I still think that any Umineko connections will end up being explained well enough within the context of Gou on it’s own that you won’t have to read all of Umineko to understand it. It’s entirely possible that they could touch upon the meta stuff in a way that’s framed more around Higurashi’s whole aesthetic, and never mention concepts like witches and gameboards. They could just frame it all in terms of gods, demons, loopers, fragments, etc. Which would help make it more digestible for people who haven’t read Umineko.

Anyway, now that we’re down to just one more loop before Rika decides to end it all, my guess is that the last two episodes of this arc will cover her ‘final loop’, but then one way or another we’ll get one more loop covering one big final arc. I’m not sure exactly how it’ll play out, but I think that either something will happen in the next loop to give her new hope to keep going, or she’ll end up being unable to actually go through with killing herself. Like, maybe she’ll use the sword fragment on herself and it won’t actually succeed in killing her permanently, or maybe at the start of the loop after the next one she’ll go to the shrine to retrieve the sword fragment only to find that it’s not even there in that loop. And since we already technically had Rika gaining a new burst of hope to keep going earlier in this arc, I’m leaning more towards the option of her trying to kill herself and being unable to. But we’ll see.

With how these last loops went, it really makes me wonder how Rika would even be able to figure anything out about the mystery with just one more loop. The mastermind seems determined to kill her as quickly as possible now, and it feels like she’s already become resigned to her fate. Especially with what happened with Akasaka, I don’t think she’s going to bother putting any real effort into reaching out to anyone in the next loop.

If the next arc is just one big answer arc to tie everything together, I assume that by the end of this arc we’ll know who the mastermind is. Which at this point probably has something to do with Satoko, one way or another.

This is also making me more convinced that Gou will just be 24 episodes and not have a second season or anything. After the whole ‘five more loops’ thing I thought maybe we’d get a second season, but now that they just straight up speed ran through four of them, that seems way less likely, lol. It’s possible that things will take a total left turn after this, and we’ll still get a second season with it’s own set of arcs, but it seems less likely now.

But on the other hand I still wonder how the next arc would be able to answer everything, especially from the perspective of new fans. There’s still stuff like Rena and Shion’s backstories that haven’t really been touched upon at all yet, and we still need to get answers about what went down in the first three arcs. I guess they might not each get their own full answer arcs, but there’s still only so much time left.

I guess it’s entirely possible that they just won’t bother explaining everything, especially in terms of backstory stuff, but that’s feel kinda disappointing. So I’d want a second season if only just to give them more time to go over the answers.

The fact that they’re still not doing much of anything with Takano and Tomitake also still makes me wonder even more if they’re going to bother getting into their whole deal in Gou, and all the exposition that would require. If we don’t get a second season then it really doesn’t feel like there’d be enough time for all that, on top of everything else that needs to be explained.

But I still think that Takano’s role in this is fundamentally different to the VN, so I think they’ll just side-step that whole issue entirely. I dunno if she’ll be completely irrelevant, but her role might require a lot less time spent on her backstory and development than what happened in the VN.

Though really at this point it seems pretty obvious that the whole climax and end goal of Gou is gonna be totally different to the VN, so I doubt they’re just gonna speedrun the events of Matsuribayashi in the last arc or something. If anything, the Akasaka loop kinda felt like an intentional hint toward the idea that he’s not going to be Rika’s savior again like in the VN, so the whole final arc will probably be different.

I don’t think anyone can say for sure how this will all end, but if this really is some kind of Bern origin story, then I think it’ll end with Rika giving into despair. Or maybe if I’m right about the meta framing of Gou as a whole, Rika will figure out that this is all just fiction, and she’ll just return to the ‘real world’ like when you realize that you’re dreaming and it makes you wake up. Which might be a kinda unsatisfying way to end this, but I’d be very surprised if we get a genuinely happy ending out of this.

Also, if this is setting up for some kind of Umineko anime remake, then it might make a lot more sense for this to have an abrupt and ‘inconclusive’ ending. Which would definitely piss a lot of people off, but since I really want an Umineko anime remake I’d be happy about it, lol.

Anyway, another thing I wanna mention is that this episode is really highlighting how we just haven’t really gotten definitive proof yet about if Rika actually knows about Takano and the GHD and whatnot. The whole concept of this seemingly unwinnable loop feels kinda strange when we haven’t even seen her do anything about Takano. And the idea that she’s just been doing that off-screen is feeling more and more unsatisfying as time goes on. But either way, if she knows that Takano’s behind everything, then surely that should give her a concrete goal to try and overcome. And it’s not like the events of each loop thus far necessarily contradict the idea of Takano being behind it all again [even though I think she isn’t], since Rika should know about Takano’s ability to artificially push people to go L5. She should also know that Takano’s the one who pushes the whole parasite idea onto people, like Rena in Tsumihoroboshi.

This still might just be iffy writing caused by Gou trying to have it’s cake and eat it too by getting into Rika’s POV without spoiling that whole plot point for new fans, but that’d just kinda suck at this point. I much prefer the idea that this version of Rika doesn’t actually know what’s going on with Takano, since it’d explain her apparent passivity towards her, and why she seems to be at a complete loss for what to do in these loops.

Also, on the whole note of the potential Umineko connections, this whole episode really reminded me of ep5 of Umineko, where Lambda sets up a ‘game without love’ where she violates the heart of the story while still having everyone do things that they’re technically capable of doing. It kinda feels like the mastermind is really just treating this like a game where their goal is to mentally break down Rika, and they’re messing around with exploiting as many different pieces as possible to see what they can do. It also reminds me of Bern saying at the end of Matsuribayashi that she wanted to go find a fragment where Akasaka went evil, lol. In general it just has a very ‘witch-y’ sort of vibe to it, in terms of the apparent sadism and random cruelty.

Bern also spent all of Umineko ep7 going out of her way to tear out the guts of the story for the sake of cruelty, so it’s pretty fitting that this sort of thing is happening to Rika here, lol.

Anyway, I really don’t know what to expect from the rest of this arc, let alone the next one, but I’m still enjoying this a whole lot.

[mikiruma]

I'M CLOSING TWITTER FOR THE NIGHT JESUS CHRIST ANYWAY I'M JUST GONNA INFODUMP UNDER THE CUT BECAUSE I'M GOING APE

HI I SPENT ALL DAY WANTING TO/STARTING TO WATCH TOTAL DRAMA SEASONS 4 AND 5 BECAUSE I WANTED TO SEE MIKE&.... AND MOOMOO DECIDED TO WATCH WITH ME BECAUSE THEY BINGED TDI SOMEWHAT RECENTLY..... AND IT TURNED INTO ME PERIODICALLY PAUSING TO TALK ABOUT OUR OWN SYSTEM AND COMPARING MIKE&'S WITH OURS SO AN 8 HOUR EVENT TURNED INTO AN ALMOST (CHECKS TIME) 12 HOUR ONE..... they went to bed a while ago so i'm finishing s5 by myself.... and it was cool because i know now they're wanting to get to know the others and ask questions and be involved(!!!!) BUT ALSO i know mike& in general is a controversial character.... but as someone who sort of relates to the internal conflict in a weird way or has this being our first time witnessing someone with DID have their alters identities respected and not being treated like a complete weirdo for being plural... i mean there's the mistreatment a la chris and scott triggering a switch intentionally to help himself in a competition.... but other than that!!! and the ending to s5 which i have not reached but spoiled myself with because i wanted to know what i was getting into before i started!!!! i'm legit falling in love with these guys and want to see them go places and it makes me appreciate the one fanwork i've seen rewriting them a bit even MORE...... also i know mal is the most stereotypical/worst rep of anything, for having a persecutor and knowing their roles i SHOULD be saying it's a little singlet bait-y and knowing they added him in the story as the main villain because they knew that's what people would have wanted to see instead of a system achieving healthy functional plurality.... but he reminds me a lot of our persecutor and how they acted back in the day, we haven't entirely patched up and they still have stumbling blocks sometimes but after getting to know them and realizing they're acting in good faith (even if the good faith is spelled out with self-sabotage), i just have a feeling maybe i need to psychoanalyze mal. ESPECIALLY because of mike (and to an extent the show) treating his headmates like EXTRAS instead as other fully fleshed people (at least in s4, though they got their moments to talk to each other and cooperate) and taking control/acting like the others were getting in his way of *his life*.... and mal being the host before but being locked away and having to force his way out and rule with an iron fist before he was given any mind.... that guy needs a hug. and everyone else (MIKE ESPECIALLY) may need to learn how to communicate better. mal just needs to feel important and get attention when he's doing things that AREN'T being mean or acting out.... also i think i just want to give mal a hug in general. not saying mike is the real villain of s5 but i AM saying when he was working with everyone to overthrow mal, they were very clear that mike being in charge, while better, was still not the best because they get pushed aside and not taken seriously.... so i think if they just went to therapy or TALKED TO EACH OTHER (I KNOW THEY CAN!!!! THEY HAVE A HEADSPACE THEY HANG OUT IN!!!!! IF MIKE WAS ONLY ABLE TO ACCESS IT BY THE COMPETITION NOW'S A GOOD TIME TO GET YOUR WORDS IN!!!!!) then it would have been a MILES better solution than. PERMANENT INTEGRATION AND CHOOSING TO CURE THEIR OWN DISORDER ALL BY THEMSELVES WITH NO HELP BY PUSHING A BUTTON IN THEIR BRAIN JUST TO GET RID OF ONE GUY THEY DIDN'T WANT TO TALK TO!!!!!!!!!!!! oh my god also i just want to mention i know svetlana was trying to be nice and encouraging saying they needed mike because he's better at some things than some of the other headmates but..... that coupling with the integration...... kind of hammers it in that everyone sees themselves as "extra" :( it makes me want to be more conscious of how i think/talk about OUR headmates because i want to try and make everyone feel welcome and valid.....

anyway sorry for the text wall i just love these guys so much but i HATE THE WRITING and i'm stalling finishing the s5 finale because i know they're going to do it and it's going to piss me off so much and i love ALL of them and want them to be ok..... it's hard for me to criticize much else because i can see us a lot in these guys and how things run.... and i'm disappointed they didn't show much else of mike& purely because i was watching the seasons just for them so everything else felt like filler.... IT WAS ENTERTAINING I JUST.... want to see more of them but WITH THE CORRECT DIAGNOSTIC NAME AND SEVERAL THERAPY TRIPS LATER LOL.....

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edit: finished!!! SO! mal admitting he was pushing people away so they didn't have the chance to hurt them first. the others saying integration wasnt getting RID of anyone, just making them a fuller singular person. GUYS I'M SOBBING.... i KNEW mal was doing the typical persecutor song and dance but with the way he even threw around his baggage like it was NOTHING. still upset at the integration since everyone was more willing to cease existing as they were altogether just so mal wouldn't be the host.... it breaks my heart.... ALSO I'M STILL OVER THE MOON ABOUT GIVING THEM A HEADSPACE AND THE LITTLE DETAILS IN THERE!!!! i legit don't know any other media featuring systems that INCLUDED that!!!!! god y'all the end of the system era was pretty disappointing but it just made me think of the guys i'm living with. i know i wasn't a perfect host and was definitely a control freak when i first discovered i was part of them, and every day i try to make that right.... so this just reminded me of those times in awareness infancy where i was like. ok but i'm the one who fronts the most so i must be the real one!!! obviously not true anymore because julian's the host now, i mean i'm still real but knowing that logic is pretty busted... hehehe.... even realizing i was only the host for a handful of years up to that point was a shock!!! but retroactively trying to work things through with everyone and getting us to a functional place despite not being able to see a therapist about it yet... this was weirdly heartwarming in a way? seeing the headmates in their natural habitat, just chilling. seeing them get into internal conflict. dissociation periods used as windows into their mind. mike starting as insisting he was the one in control and who SHOULD be in control, even willing to abandon everyone for zoey, but going to being the least willing to integrate because he would miss everyone and valued their existence.... i know they can only fit so much development in 20 min episodes of a show thats supposed to focus on multiple people (non-systems at least) so i think their story was cramped in that aspect, but if it were a more serious non-reality show focusing more on mike& in general it would have been WAY smoother. but like. i understand the shorthand and can see the allusions and whatnot. i know what they were trying to do. and i LOVE it. it's not perfect but this is the first time i watched something in a good while that felt like it encapsulated ANYTHING close to my personal experiences being in a system and being the disgruntled host, and seeing a little bit of my closest comrades in mike's headmates was just icing on the cake. :) i think the only thing i would have liked better was if instead of an integration they either agreed to work together and be more functional/rehabilitate mal, or if someone new split entirely to act as the mediator.. idk total drama is pretty stressful!! it's the right environment for it!!! and especially the inner system conflict!!! i don't know i think after all that, they needed someone to be the impartial third party to help settle conflicts and junk... just my onion though

[johannstutt413]

“Good afternoon, Doctor.” Rosa greeted him as he returned to his office. “How was lunch?”

He hung up his jacket on the coat rack and walked to his desk. “Busy. I always forget how many Operators we have working with us until I’m behind every last one of them in line...Did you get a break? It looks like you haven’t left your desk.”

“Oh, don’t worry about me. I’m simply reviewing my performance from my last combat mission, looking for ways to improve.”

“Seriously?” The Doctor sighed. “I appreciate your enthusiasm, Rosa, but please stop for a bit, even just to humor me.”

She paused her video and fully slipped off the pair of Ursan headphones she’d donned. “I will, but why would humoring you be an intrinsic motivation of mine?”

“I...I don’t know. It got your attention, and that’s enough to satisfy me for now.”

“Hmm.” She watched him for a moment, hand to her chin. “What would sate you permanently, then?”

He stopped everything he was doing and thinking. “I’m sorry?”

“You asked me to take a break because it would bring you a sense of satisfaction. Would you rather I not work at all?”

“No, I...well,” he stalled, waiting for his mind to rise to the occasion of a conversation like this, “if I’m honest, I would like there to come a day where you don’t have to worry about combat and logistics duties, but I’m sure that doesn’t interest you.”

Rosa nodded. “You’re right, I’m not interested in being allowed to shirk any type of responsibility to contribute to Rhodes Island. What interests me is why you feel that way, and about me in particular. Do you have similar thought about the others in the USSGG?”

“No.”

“Is it because I’m of noble birth?” Her voice softened, almost in fear, as she asked, “Is it because I’m not a satisfactory combatant?”

He shook his head. “No, no, it’s nothing like that. I just...I like the idea of...coming home to someone after a long day at the office...”

“Oh, I see. You would rather me be...your stay-at-home wife?”

“...” The Doctor planted his head onto his desk. “Why do our conversations always go like this?”

She chuckled, which registered to his ears in a very ara-ara fashion. “Do they always end up with you confessing your dream of being happily married to me?”

“No, I guess not...Sorry if I pulled the curtain back a little too much there, but frankly there have been days I’m surprised I haven’t said something sooner.”

“Really?” The once-heiress spun her chair around, reclining back in a way no throne ever could. “Why have you put it off for so long? I’d have thought you would want to know if I accepted your proposal sooner rather than later.”

He laughed. “Then you have not been paying attention to me as a person, which I know isn’t true because you pay attention things most people don’t even know can be paid attention to. You say you’re an ordinary student, because you don’t think your royal upbringing should have any bearing on how you’re treated, but your attempts at humility simply elevate you higher - how could an ‘ordinary’ person achieve the results you do on such a consistent basis?”

“I...I don’t think my work is that impressive.” Rosa had initially thought this conversation was at least somewhat in jest, which meant that she was simply not prepared for the Doctor to be so earnest in his praise of her.

“I know you don’t, and that makes it simultaneously sadder and sweeter, because I could tell you how much I admire your tenacity, your humility, your refinement, and it would all simply roll off like water down the canvas of an umbrella.” The Doctor stood up from his desk so he could pace. “There’s no two ways about it - you’re absolutely perfect. You’ve made mistakes which have made you humane and approachable, breaking the shackles of nobility off of you while still leaving you with a sense of propriety that makes you a delight to talk to; you pursue the wellbeing of others without neglecting yourself, an example I can only hope the others of the USSGG learn from as time goes on; you can enjoy an eloquent conversation on lofty matters of philosophy as much as a stout drink and a trip to the sauna. And that’s not getting into your physical characteristics, which I’ll simply address with an exclamation. WOW...Was that too much?”

The Ursus simply looked at him in awe and concern. “How do you have so much good to say of me...”

“Ah. Yeah, that was definitely too much for you to receive all at once. Sorry.” He sat back down, turning as if to go to work, but keeping his hands from the keyboard.

“Doctor, I...I don’t know what to say.” She couldn’t look away from him, even if she’d wanted to. “Some of the older girls spoke of moments like this, but I never thought it would happen to me, especially after...after Peterheim. Was there a reason you needed to gloss over your opinions of my appearance?”

He’d begun blushing rather heavily himself and was staring at his blank computer screen as if he could divine the optimal answer from it. “I don’t want to sound like a lecher.”

“Oh. So you were referring to those characteristics...I did mature rather fast among my peers, I suppose. One last question, before I give you my answer.”

“Your answer?” The Doctor blinked. “Rosa, I didn’t mean this to be a proposal.”

She sighed. “I know, but...humor me, if you would.”

“Alright. Last question, then.”

“Do...” Rosa thought carefully about her next words. “If we do, at some point, decide to bind ourselves together in matrimonious union, and I do agree to foregoing any form of combat or support role in the company so I am always ready to greet you when you return from a day’s shift...do you see us having children?”

He didn’t even need to think about it, because as much as he hated to admit it, he’d spent some time thinking about it. “Two or three, yes.”

“Only three?”

“I mean, after a certain point, it becomes hard to think of names for so many, you know? How many are you imagining?”

She scratched behind her ear. “Um...closer to seven.”

“Wow. I mean, it might take some adapting, but I guess I’d be okay with that.” This was going better than he’d thought it would. “Anything else?”

“No, I’ve heard enough...I’ll be waiting for your proposal.”

The Doctor nodded. “Great. I’ll uh, I’ll work on that, then.”

“Excellent.” Rosa sighed. “There’s one thing I’d like now, though.”

“Anything.”

She stood up from her chair, walked over to him, and stood a few inches behind his chair. “I...I would like you to embrace me. Not a mere hug. You know the difference between the two, yes?”

“I’ll do my best.” He got up from his chair and did just that. It was...it was everything he’d hoped it would be. “Is this right?”

“Yes~~~”

[fieryblazes]

It’s better, really, to go out in a blaze, we love the ones who walk right into the fire.

NAME: Rhys Warren / Blaze.

AGE: One hundred and twenty seven.

KINGDOM: Fire sprite.

GENDER IDENTITY: Cismale (he&him).

SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Biromantic & bisexual.

Rhys Warren was born to a young couple that weren’t prepared for children.  The pair had never set down roots anywhere nor did they really ever intend to.  One from a traditional Irish family and the other craved a life away from where their family had been forced to live, together they chose a life on the run.  His mother was groomed to remain a part of her own society, where she might take over her mother’s role as an agricultural leader.  The role itself was a good one as far as things went but, it wasn’t exciting.  She was never one for political intricacies and instead, held out hope for a chance to explore the world with another.  Enter Rhys’ father, someone of Irish importance that held no claim to his own name.  Rather than marry into another wealthy family to find a housewife and raise the allotted children that his family hoped for, he met another that he would escape his designated life with and live carefree with until their first son was born.  Rhys had been unexpected but, strangely, still a wanted surprise for them.

When the family was complete with three children, the couple decided to return home for a little while.  Namely, back to where Rhys’ father’s side had settled.  Their life there would be short-lived, however, only a few years were spent there before the fatigue of everyday life hit the couple.  They were advised by both sides of the family to leave the children behind and at first, they obliged.  Rhys lived with his mother’s side of the family where he learned how to hunt, to gather and shadowed other leaders within their society.  He thrived moreover in hunting and in working within the fields.  The manual labor kept his fiery personality in check which was key because otherwise, the child would often pick fights with other children around them.

Like many in the early 1900’s, Rhys never attended school.  Instead, he labored in fields and worked alongside elders, learning basic education with them.  He learned to read and write at an older age than most would but, technically, it wasn’t something that was truly necessary for him until he was older.  Until his parents decided that they were moving to Florida and hoped to take their children with them, that was.  By then, Rhys was seventeen and his siblings were a few years younger.  They obliged despite how their caretakers felt and soon, the five of them were living in a commune just outside of Miami.  The commune itself was an offset of another that had been created several years back.  It was, effectively, a socialist commune where revolutionary socialists and anarchists of all sorts came to live amongst one another.  It was there that Rhys found his love for boxing and would continue to practice elsewhere later.  Rhys remained at the commune for several years before he made the decision to move on to Miami.

However, Rhys wasn’t the only one interested in the Magic City.  Upon the time that he moved there, the city’s officials had set out to create canals that would create more land and divert water away from the city.  It was soon made clear that they required additional help doing this to finish in a timely manner.  Rhys answered this call for more help and worked his way to a place to live while he looked for more work.  However, this downtime sparked a change in Rhys.  Hard work kept Rhys’ overactive mind at bay but, now that he had precious little to do in the way of manual labor, he started to feel the pull once again to achieve far more dangerous machinations.  Burglary was first but, it certainly wasn’t enough.  No matter how much he stole or how difficult the entrance and exit were, he found that the challenge didn’t do enough for him.  Then came gambling.  He learned the cheap tricks and dirty secrets behind how to win every time and once he had those mastered, boredom wrapped around his mind once again.  But, it would be arson that kept his attention for much longer.

It was also what kept him in jail most often.  He tried to keep his distance but it was difficult to do that but also watch the flames in all of their glory.  So, occasionally, he was caught due to his attempt to watch the art that he had created.  But, sometimes he chose places where people had angered him which made it entirely too obvious that it was Rhys Warren who had set the fire even if he was hidden elsewhere as the blaze burned the establishment down to ashes.  In and out of jail, he had made friends within and outside which slowly created a network of how people knew Rhys.  It wasn’t until his twenty eighth birthday, of which the evening was spent in a jail cell, that this network finally paid off.  He didn’t know the person who had paid his bail but, they had known of him.  A recruiter sent from the mob, Rhys was formally invited to prove himself to something bigger than him.  Something that might actually hold his attention.

Rhys climbed the ranks of the mob until he sat pretty as a rum runner.  He had spent several years building trust with the Miami sect of the American Mafia, where they mainly dealt in gambling and procuring alcohol during a time of Prohibition. However, he was on the fence about moving up even higher within the mob.  It meant more responsibility and as someone born and raised in a world with no rigid schedule, Rhys was free-spirited.  He didn’t adhere to the ideals of time management and strict routines.  He knew, in his heart of hearts, that this would become a problem at some point.  However, after the death of one of his siblings, the itch to leave and embark on a journey that would both keep him preoccupied and offer much needed excitement, Rhys pushed to be a part of the negotiations that dealt with the Dominican Republic.  And so, he stepped onto the Horizons with the belief he would be back soon.

A lot of work had gone into Rhys’ preparation from a presentational standpoint.  He had taught himself while on the voyage to conduct himself in a professional manner, to appear as a charismatic businessman rather than a hot-headed fighter with permanent calluses on the palms of his hands from a life of hard work.  As fruitless as this was, the shore that he awoke on with lungs filled with salt water was beyond his wildest hopes and dreams.  He accepted the deal when it was presented to him as an immediate believer of the sprites.  Here, he could finally lean into the more dangerous, volatile whims that had always lurked underneath his skin.  Rhys Warren was made of fire but, it was Blaze that would embody it.

CONNECTION IDEAS

THE FIRE SPREADS - Anyone who is aware of the laws of the land but still love the idea of bending them.  Whether there’s a reasoning behind it or they’re more akin to Blaze who is the epitome of ‘fuck around and find out’, perhaps they were a criminal in a past life and sometimes, they just need to seek out a thrill or two.  

PASSIONATE EMBERS - Those who Blaze has been with in some capacity.  It’s a running theme for him to be looking for ‘the one’ and though he isn’t a wholly sensitive person, he does have a romantic side.  This might have been a passionate romance with a quick burn out, nights of passion now unspoken or something else, we can figure it out.

A SPARK - This could be anything - a friendship, soon to be enemies, potentially a relationship, etc., but the point is that there’s something there and they haven’t figured out what it is.  But, there’s a push and a pull between them.  

ASHES NOW - They were close for some time and then had a horrible falling out.  Their relationship (be it whatever it was, platonic or otherwise) was one that seemed like it would be lasting but, now it’s bitter.  There’s unresolved feelings and even potentially disdain.

FIRE & ICE - I just really dig the idea of him teaming up with someone from the water kingdom, I don’t really have any solid ideas but, hit me up and we can come up with something wild.

HORIZONS PASSENGERS - Lastly, I’d dig some plots with the people that Blaze arrived with!  They probably didn’t know one another at the time but, that doesn’t mean we can’t get some spicy ideas going.

[skekzok-the-ritual-master]

Out Of Character Questions

ROLEPLAYER GET TO KNOW YOU PROMPT

Tagged by: @hedonistschambers

Tagging: @ask-skeksa-the-mariner, @allpowerfulemperor, @asktheornamentalist, @askurva-thearcher, and anyone else who wants to :)

OOC About Your Character(s)

1.     What do you want to get out of playing this character(s)?

I used to RP on Tumblr a lot in the Megamind fandom, and seeing other Dark Crystal RPers on here made me want to try getting back into RP a little. Since I don’t have any Dark Crystal OCs who lend themselves well to RP, I decided to go with a canon character, and skekZok was a prominent one who hadn’t gotten a blog yet. I’ve always liked looking at characters and thinking about what makes them tick, so this gives me a fun chance to do that for him.  

2.     Describe your character(s) with three words.

Cultured | Sadistic | Hypocritical 

3.     What made you decide to write this muse?

I’d been following the blogs of a few other Skeksis RPers, and the absence of Zok had been remarked on. Since he’s one of my favorites, I decided to make a blog for him and join in the fun.

4.     If you could change one event in your muse’s life (in their main or canon verse), what would you change?

That’s a tough one, because Zok really doesn’t suffer that much in canon compared to other characters. I might stop ZokZah from trying to burn out part of his soul, but skekZok wouldn’t exist and there wouldn’t be much of a story if I did that. (If we include the JM Lee novels, I’d change it so he doesn’t throw skekSa under the bus.)

5.     If you could tell your muse one thing, what would you tell them?

“Don’t stab the blonde Gelfling girl. It won’t prevent the prophecy, and she’ll just come back to life anyway.”

6.     If you could give your muse one gift, what would you give them?

I’d love to see his reaction to a Swiss Army knife.

7.     If you had to take one positive thing away from your muse, what would you take away?

I’m not sure how positive this is, but I’d take away his ability to believe his own lies. It would be interesting to see how he tries to juggle all the conflicting rules and stories he’s come up with over the centuries. 

8.     If you could “borrow” one aspect of your muse and apply it to yourself or your own life, what would you borrow?

His talent for speaking in public. I wish I could command an audience like he does.

9.     Do you genuinely want your muse to be happy? What do you think would make them most happy in life?

Considering the kind of things that tend to make Zok happy? Maybe. As for what would make him happiest, he believes it would be achieving immortality and remaining one of the highest-ranked of the court and having skekSa as his permanent mate, but that still won’t heal the spiritual emptiness inside him. Much as I enjoy Zok and Zah as separate beings, I do think reunification was the best thing for them. If he and SaSan could have been together after that, that would have been even better.

10. Do you enjoy putting your muse through angst? What do you think would break their heart the most?

I don’t mind angst in small doses, as long as I plot it out with the other player(s) beforehand and we agree how it will turn out in the end. Zok doesn’t lend himself easily to angst, but losing his place in the court hierarchy or having one of his allies turn on him would do it. He’s also come to genuinely believe the mythology he’s invented over the centuries -- anything that seriously challenged that worldview would be hard for him to deal with. 

11. What do you love about your muse?

A lot of things. His charisma, his striking blue eyes, the way his voice is deeper and smoother than most of the other Skeksis, how over-the-top his gold outfit is, how he’s so attached to his headdress that he doesn’t even take it off in the spa, how unrepentantly creepy and sadistic he is -- he’s a very enjoyable character, even if he is a horrible birb.

12. What do you hate about your muse?

He's not an easy character to have interact with everyone. He can pretend to be nice when it suits him, and he’s not totally incapable of caring about people, but he’s still nasty enough that I can tell in advance a lot of interactions wouldn’t go well. 

13. What about your muse amuses you?

The contrast between the austere image he tries to keep up, and how frazzled he gets when something upsets that image (”MY CARRIAGE!”). Also when he gets sarcastic or looks down on the others when they act in a less-than-civilized way. 

14. What about your muse makes you sad?

All the people he’s hurt, and how unwilling he is to see that his way of life isn’t sustainable and won’t truly make him happy in the end.

15. How would you describe your muse to someone about to meet them, in person, for the first time?

“This guy is a creep, but he believes in good manners. Tread lightly, and you should be okay.”

16. Would you like your muse as a person if you met them in real life?

LOL no. He’s an awful person who is best left in the realm of fiction.

17. In what ways are you better than your muse? In what ways are they better than you?

I like to think I’m a much nicer person than he is. I can be blunt and a bit of a troll sometimes, but I really don’t like hurting anyone, or trying to force people to do stuff they don’t like. As for Zok, he’s much more confident and well-spoken than I am, and he’s had the determination to stick with one job for a thousand years. 

18. Why do you think you connect to your muse?

We’re both interested in culture, myth, and history, and feel better when we can assign some order to the world around us. 

19. What aspect of your muse’s personality is most important to you? What aspect of your muse’s personality do you think is most important to them? Is it the same? Why or why not?

As I see it, the core of Zok’s character is that he wants to bring order to the world; that’s why his job title is ‘Ritual Master’ rather than ‘High Priest’ or something more overtly religious. If he can’t see an obvious reason why things are the way they are, he’ll invent one that makes sense to him (and serves his needs). 

I think this is what Zok sees as his most important trait too -- in his mind, he took a bunch of feral newborn creatures who (by all rights) were never meant to have existed in the first place, and helped turn them into a civilized, godlike people who rule an entire planet. But that feral nature is always under the surface, and they still need ritual and order (and yes, punishment) to keep it in check. 

20. Has your character(s) changed over the time that you have been playing them? How have they changed?

I haven’t been playing Zok for very long, but I’ve recently had a chance to write how he feels about deeper questions, like what it would mean for Skeksis to have children, and what happens to Skeksis and urRu souls after they die. I think it’s made him a bit more three-dimensional. 

About You!

1.     What is your name?

Kate, a.k.a. Crow or Lady Stormcrow

2.     What is your profession?

Social worker, currently working in substance abuse treatment.

3.     What do you do to relax?

Watch favorite TV shows, play video games, listen to music, hang out outdoors, chat online. 

4.     What is your favorite treat (desert)?

I have a big weakness for flan and other custard desserts. Also caramel.

5.     Favorite movie

Amadeus (1984).

6.     Favorite book

Good Omens (and yes I loved the series too). 

7.     Favorite vacation spot

Grand Cayman. We were supposed to visit again this spring, but COVID happened.

8.     Favorite Disney movie

I’m not sure I have one favorite, but I love Fantasia and The Rescuers.

9.     How did you first get into role playing?

Almost 20 years ago, lol. When I first started going online in high school, I made an online friend ( @ksclaw ) who introduced me to the concept. We played interactions with our SWAT Kats fan characters, and she helped me get the hang of it.

10. What was your first platform? If it was something other than Tumblr, what made you get into Tumblr?

It was Livejournal. I discovered Tumblr in late 2011 after my friends in the Megamind fandom introduced me to it, and most of us migrated here from our old LJ community. I loved being able to reblog whatever struck my fancy, and while my interest has waxed and waned, as you can see I’m still here.

11. What’s a grammar rule you find yourself breaking or ignoring a lot?

I like to think I have pretty good grammar. I know I’m guilty of run-on sentences, though, and I overuse ellipses and mix up ; and -- far too much. 

12. Are there any languages besides English in which you think you could comfortably roleplay?

Not really. I can speak and understand a little Spanish and French, but not enough to write anything meaningful, and I’m wary of translation software for anything beyond a short sentence. Sorry!

13. Do you listen to music while your write?

Sometimes. Usually not when I’m doing the actual writing (that’s distracting, and I like to hear the words in my head), but I’ll listen to it beforehand to get myself in a mood or get some inspiration.

14. Are you a morning, day, evening, or night writer?

Late morning after I’ve had my coffee is usually my best time. Unfortunately I’m usually at work during that time, but on slow days and weekends I try to take advantage of it.

15. How does tiredness affect your writing?

It turns me into a zombie who can dream but cannot actually write.

16. What is your biggest obstacle to writing every day, if time doesn’t count?

Lack of motivation. I daydream and imagine stuff easily enough, but putting it down into writing is much harder, especially when I’m braindead from work.

17. How many drafts is a paralyzing amount?

More than 5 is daunting, though fortunately Zok hasn’t gotten that many yet.

18. Is there anything character-wise or writing style-wise that you can’t stand?

Players who are unwilling to have their characters be in the wrong, or who get upset if my character doesn’t react the way they wanted. Not all interactions are going to be smooth and happy, and I’m fine with that. Your character is not you, just like mine is not me.

19. What kind of anonymous questions are your favorite?

Weird ones. I like having my muses react to them.

20. What is your weakest point in writing? Angst, fluff, dialogue, etc.?

Fluff is kind of tricky. I don’t have trouble imagining it, but I get paralyzed thinking “this is too indulgent, I shouldn’t publish it, no one but me will like it, etc.” Maybe that’s part of why Zok appeals to me, because he’s not the fluffy type. 

[afictionaladventure16]

would it be possible to get a teen!reader who is struggling to make it in the acting-world and their parents are very unsupportive, not thinking it's a real proffesion etcetera. they get a small role for a film with sebastian stan and on a phonecall he encourages you and cheers you up?

Keep Your Head Up, Kid (Sebastian Stan x Teen!Reader)

A/N: Sorry, it took so long! hope you enjoy the fic! 

Actors Masterlist

Character Taglist

Warnings: Mentions of unsupportive parents

Word Count: 1,309

You had just been informed by your agent that you had gotten the small role for a major movie. A small role was just enough to get you excited, enough for you to run downstairs squealing with excitement as you approached your parents, “Guess what!?” You exclaimed as you stood in front of your parents who were sitting at the kitchen table. 

“What, hon?” your father asked, his head not moving from looking at the papers that lied in front of him. 

“I got that role I told you about in that film!” You said with a huge grin, “it’s a small role, I got a good amount of lines though. I’m playing the lead characters teenager so it’ll give me some spotlight, I guess,” you said. 

“Wait, until your looks get the best of you and you’re no longer young,” Your mother mumbled, “but I guess playing someone’s teenager will be fun, yeah? Something to do in the summer, hey, maybe while you’re playing their teenager you can learn how to be our teenager and clean the garage like I told you.” 

You rolled your eyes at your mother’s comment, “what do you think, dad?” 

He sighed, looking up from the papers, “I still say you should go to college. Acting won’t always pay the bills, kiddo.” You felt defeated. Why couldn’t your parents be happy with you for once? Why couldn’t they just support you instead of tearing down your dreams? You felt so excited about the role but now you just felt like it was hopeless. 

You didn’t understand why your parents allowed you to go to these auditions if all they were going to be unsupportive when you did get a role, even if it was a small one. Sometimes you thought that maybe they did it so they could prove you wrong when you did fail or they could say that they were always there supportive for you when you didn’t fail. Whatever the reason was, it made you feel like you were on your own. 

“Whatever,” you said softly as your parents continued to pay their attention to either their phone or the work they brought home from the office. You took one last look at them before walking back up the stairs and into your room. You laid on your bed, wondering why your parents could be supportive of your brother’s football dreams but not yours. What made them decide that your dreams wouldn’t reach it’s potential? 

Your thoughts were interrupted by your phone ringing, you groaned quietly to yourself before answering the phone, “Hello?” you said in a raspy voice. 

“Hi! Is Y/N L/N there by chance?” An unfamiliar voice said through the line. 

“Um, this is them, may I ask who’s calling?” 

The voice chuckled, “sorry, should’ve introduced myself first, this is Sebastian Stan, I spoke to your agent a while ago and asked her if I could call you, she said it would be fine. I’m not sure if she got in touch with you about it first.” 

You were stunned, you were on the phone with an actor that you looked up to. You tried your best to play it cool. You quickly sat up in your bed, “Um, no, she didn’t. But it’s okay, I’m perfectly fine with it!” 

He chuckled once again, “great! Anyway, I just wanted to say hi and ask if you would like to meet up sometime? I’ll be in L.A. sometime next week and I would love to get to know you before we start filming, after all, you will be playing my on-screen kid.” 

“Um- uh, y-yeah, that’d be great! I uh- I have school but anytime after school would be great or the weekend.” 

“We’ll keep in touch about it, how does that sound?” 

You smiled a bit, “yeah, alright, I’ll look forward to that.” 

“So, you excited about the role?” He asked casually moving the topic. Sebastian was truly interested in who you were, mostly because there wasn’t much about you on the internet yet and also because Sebastian had a tendency of being passionate when it came to acting. Passionate in the way he acted, the way he got into character, he always put so much work into it and most of that work was getting to know who he was surrounded with. Building those relationships with the people he had to work with. 

You let out a small sigh, thinking back to the conversation you just had with your parents, “yeah,” you said softly into the phone. 

Sebastian hadn’t even met you but he knew that the ‘yeah’ you just gave him wasn’t all too convincing. Anyone could spot it. “That yeah wasn’t too convincing…” you stayed silent. The silence that only gave Sebastian confirmation, “Look, Y/N, we haven’t even met yet, but don’t hesitate to talk to me about anything, okay?” 

You let out a shaky sigh, “okay.” 

“Alright, now what’s wrong?” 

“Ugh,” you laid back down into your bed, the phone still pressed to your ear, “my parents. They’re just…” you sighed, “I told them I got the role and they were so unsupportive. I don’t get it, like, why do they even allow me to go to these auditions if they’re going to unsupportive when everything feels like it’s falling into place?” 

Sebastian sighed, he hated hearing about parents who didn’t support their kids. He was glad that his parents gave him support and he wanted to do the same for his own kids one day. But right now, it felt like you needed that support and if Sebastian was going to try his best to do that in any way possible in the time he was going to spend with you while filming, “Don’t give up, whatever you do, just don’t give up, Y/N. Promise me that.” 

“I promise,” you whispered. 

“I know, it sucks that they don’t support you but I want you to know that I support you, your agent supports you, and many other people out there support you. Hell, the directors and casting directors support you, otherwise, they wouldn’t have chosen you for this role. And I know it’s a small role but you never know what such a small role can turn into, this can be your start into something bigger, trust me. I’ve been there. You just have to believe in it, kid. Even if no one else does.” You felt more confident after Sebastian’s speech. 

“Thank you, Sebastian,” you said softly. 

“No problem, Y/N and I meant what I said, alright?” 

You nod even though he couldn’t see you, “I know.” 

“You have my number now so don’t hesitate to call if you ever need another one of my pep talks,” you both laughed, “and I’ll keep in touch with you about next week. Maybe we can set something up where I can pick you up at school, make you look cool in front of your friends.” 

“Pick me up in a Jaguar and you have a deal!” 

He laughed, “let me see what I can do.” 

You heard your mom yell out that the pizza had arrived, “I have to go,” you began to say, “thank you again, Sebastian.” 

“Anytime, Y/N. You have a good night.” 

“You too.” 

Before you could hang up the phone, you heard Sebastian’s voice, once more, “hey.” 

“Yeah?” 

“Keep your head up, kid,” You smiled 

“I will,” and with that, you hung up the phone. Although it hurt that your parents didn’t support you, you felt okay with it, you knew they were going to miss out on your accomplishments but that was going to be something they were going to have to deal with because, for you, you were focusing on yourself. Focusing on achieving the dreams people believed to be impossible.

Permanent Taglist: @otomefan @dejaazaro @culturebay @kpopishilarious @fireproof-heaven @iloveyouthreethousand-o6  @weappreciatepower @whereyoustand  @white-wolf-buckaroo @spider-woman22 @coffee-habit @supernaturallover2002 @barnes-parker @therealmrshale @myinternetissoslow @myhippiehopes @celyndavies @xzowiex @ximaginx @wooshytooshy @ellaorelizabeth @rororo06  @chloe-geoghegan1 @hdthdthdt @sophie-barnes26 @thamuddagirl @scarletmeii @unapologeticallymimi   @glitterquadricorn @lady-of-lies  @cassmoreiraxo @just4muggles @mellorine-paprika  @agirlruinedbybands @yougottalovefandoms @avngrsinitiative @lizlil

Sebastian Stan Taglist: @acalmandquietplace @sleepylunarwolf @alicat-life @captaiinameriicasass @edgyhargreeves @noobmaster63  @pleasantlysecretdream @tessvillegas @xiumin-girl99 @thejourneyneverendsx  @thewintersoldier1124 @ssebstann @booksarebae2000 @imjusthereforsupernatural @sebastiansmadden @latsyrc85x @dyckvindyck

[ghost-chance]

In honor of Neil Elwood Peart,  9/12/1952  -  1/7/2020

The reports are not a hoax. Neil Peart has died...brain cancer. The music world won't be the same without him. More than that, I owe this man my life...literally, as in, if not for him, I would be dead. In his memory, I’ve decided to share this story.

This story is personal and it’shard to tell, but it’s entirely true. Back when I was an angsty teen dealing with angsty teen problems (and, tbh, a lot of problems most people are lucky to not face until adulthood) Rush’s music was the soundtrack I lived my life to. (Yes, I’m somewhat dating myself here.) As silly as it sounds as an adult, I practically idolized Geddy Lee, Alex Lifeson, and Neil Peart; I lived my life in accordance to the lessons in their music and their stories and looked up to them as role models of a sort. I exercised to Marathon and By-Tor and the Snow Dog. I read to Rivendell and Tom Sawyer. I powered through homework with YYZ and The Gangster of Boats trilogy, and brooded about bullies to Subdivisions and Scars. At a time in my life when just existing was painful, Rush’s complex, thought-provoking, and sometimes amusing music proved to me that the people in my world weren’t all shallow, cruel, and dull. Teenagers, after all, tend to get stuck in their own little world and forget that life exists beyond that which they experience day-by-day.

A death in the family and a sudden and traumatizing spilled secret was the last straw - the depression I was fighting was only getting worse without support, and every day, certain classmates encouraged me to just end it. Most were malicious - “Everyone hates you, just die already,” was a common one which unfortunately is still spoken generations later. Other culprits were friends just tired of seeing me hurting; they thought a ‘failed’ suicide attempt would make a difference. “Maybe if you got hurt, the bullies would back off,” they suggested. “Maybe you have to take drastic measures before someone will help you!” 

Me? I was just tired...I was tired of hurting, of being afraid, and breaking down only to be told that my feelings weren’t valid and I was ‘embarrassing my family.’ Support or lack of it really can make or break a person when they’re falling apart. Now, it makes me cringe to admit that I was ready to give up before I had a chance to really begin; at the time, it felt like the only option. Age certainly brings things into perspective. 

One night, at my absolute limit, I was compiling goodbye notes to my friends and simultaneously forming a list of pros and cons for various methods while listening to a ‘new’ borrowed Rush album. I didn’t care whether or not I survived to see if there were improvements in the bullying; I was tired of trying. I was searching my calendar for days to try and searching my health textbook for advice on how to achieve a painless death. That night was the turning point, and that album was Presto.

Even after how many years have passed, I still remember the first time I heard those distinct, somber, skin-tingling bass notes at the beginning of the song. Even after all these years, I remember hearing the first lines and feeling as if they were written just for me, or rather, for someone just like me. Someone understood...someone else knew what I was going through and they were talking about it! I paused in my planning, turned up the volume, and listened...and I thought...and my stomach fell down to my feet when I realized what I was hearing.

“No hero in your tragedy.  No daring in your escape.  No salute for your surrender,  nothing noble in your fate.

Christ! What have you done?!”

“What have you done?!” Not please don’t. Not don’t be ridiculous, you don’t even know hurt yet. Not if that’s what it takes, that’s what it takes. This was a punch in the gut and a horrified demand for answers all in one. It wasn’t a hug, it was a bitch-slap and a demand for answers. Suddenly, and finally, it hit me all at once that what I was planning was permanent and would have repercussions far beyond my tiny world. I suddenly connected how I felt about my grandfather’s suicide with how he might feel about mine if the roles were reversed. I felt sick. What had I almost done?!

It was, as sickening as it sounds, the first time I’d heard someone outright condemn suicide as an option. Times were different then, and most people reacted to discussion of depression and suicide by going silent then awkwardly changing the subject. Those who didn’t ‘change the channel’ begged and pleaded instead. “Please hold on a little longer - just a little longer! It’ll get better, just wait and see!” It never got better, so I eventually stopped listening. Some people, like a certain male relative who-shall-not-be-named, considered suicide to be ‘a matter of choice,’ and ‘not anything to judge as right or wrong.’ His reaction to my grandfather’s suicide was “He lived his life the way he chose; this was his choice, we had nothing to do with it.” This particular relative never tried to dissuade me or offer support when I needed it most. He never once asked “What would your parents think?” He never asked “How do you know things won’t get better if you keep trying?” Instead, he rolled his eyes and walked away, saying “I don’t have time for this shit.” Yes, he’s always been a wonderful role model. We don’t really talk anymore.

I’m not going to say everything changed over night because of a song. I’m not saying no one was ever around to support me, or that no one ever tried to talk me into holding on just a little longer every time I felt like I couldn’t hold on for another second. I won’t say I never stumbled again, or that I never had second thoughts. The Pass didn’t ‘fix’ my depression, nor did it ‘fix’ me - it was, however, the turning point and the slap-in-the-face I needed. The people who wrote the music I lived by condemned suicide, and knowing that, I felt horrified that I ever considered it an option. Again, teenager logic can be a little weird to say the least.

It took time for me to really get my depression under control. Lifestyle changes, counseling, medication, meditation, new friends, and support from my family were some of the most effective methods I found. Every time I felt ready to give up, I played music that reminded me to keep trying. The Pass reminded me giving up is not an option - Emotion Detector reminded me that people can be assholes but it’s worth it to be myself despite the assholes in life - Mission reminded me that what I was dealing with was, in a roundabout way, helping me grow - when I felt like giving up - Bravado encouraged me that everything would work out in the end - The Enemy Within made me angry with myself and reminded me to never give up. There are too many songs that helped me to even begin to name half of them. 

Some years later, I was fortunate enough to have a chance to see Rush in concert during one of their final tours. The concert was everything I expected and lots more I never expected, and it’s one of my favorite memories. The stench of marijuana, cigarettes, sweaty bodies, and stale beer filled the stands around me and burned my lungs. The crowd cheered so loudly my ears rang for hours afterward. Someone on our charter bus tripped over a car on the way back from concessions, sprayed beer everywhere, and laughed it off with “At least it’s Rush!” Another woman, drunk beyond reason, yanked her panties off and flung them at the stage, then promptly passed out; at the time, I rather envied her opportunity to fling lingerie at Geddy Lee without being arrested. After the concert, a couple of people had to be bodily dragged back to the bus and laid across the seats because they were black-out drunk. I bought a tee-shirt for enough to feed a college student for a week and left with a migraine that lasted three days. It was, to say the least, a lifetime of stories and jokes all in one night. 

Craziness aside, the concert was an event like none I’d ever thought to experience. As the music played and the fans screamed, I stood in the crowd feeling both separate from the world and part of something great all at once. At the end of every song, I thought to myself, “This...this is why I’m still alive. This is what I would have missed out on.” With the beginning of every song, my heart soared, my skin prickled with elation, and I became more and more certain I had no regrets. I was beyond considering suicide an option before then, but that concert was the final bit of evidence; turning around and trying again was, without a doubt, the right decision. I knew I was meant to be more than yet another victim of depression.

Today, I’m alive despite many accidents and disasters which could have easily led to a different result. I still get swamped with intermittent depression, and I still spend somedays wondering why I even bother trying. Depression, unfortunately, is just part of who I am; it’s written into my genetics as deeply as my hair and eye color, and it isn’t going to go away permanently. I’ve made my peace with that. Despite the permanency of that struggle, I have defeated the part of me that previously wanted to give up and ‘go away’ when I'm at my worst. I haven’t considered suicide an option since I was bitch-slapped by The Pass; I refuse to ever consider it an option again, no matter how far I may fall. 

There are so many things that had to go right in order for my view to change. If Neil Peart hadn’t joined Rush, “The Pass” wouldn’t have been written. If it had been on any album before Presto, I would have heard it before from my many other albums and grown tired of it. If I hadn’t borrowed the album and chosen to play it just that night at just that moment, I wouldn’t have gotten the musical slap in the face I needed so badly...and, no exaggeration here, I would be dead. Nothing else had been able to change my mind; I honestly suspect nothing else could have changed my mind. 

I was a suicidal teenager when I first heard "The Pass," which was a condemnation of the glorification of suicidal teenagers. That song accomplished what nothing else had been able to, and I owe my continued existence to it and its writers. I still get lost in the darkness sometimes, but as the song goes, I've learned to steer by the stars. No matter how hard it can be sometimes, I’d rather walk the razor’s edge than let my depression win.

I'll pour you a dram this evening, Mr. Peart, in memory and appreciation. Thank you for my life; I’ll never forget yours.

[thefloatingstone]

overlordraax replied to your post: Not feeling much better after waking up. Somebody...

List your top fave fanfics. List your top fave tropes in fanfic.

Oh noooooo this is a really good one too sdjkjdhfsh

I was actually thinking of doing a fanfic Rec list tbh!! I hope you don’t mind that they’re all Undertale fics! I think I’ve read more fanfiction for this fandom than I’ve read for any other fandom I’ve ever been in. (Including MLP which is a friggen miracle if you stop to think about it)

BUT ANYWAY! Please check out these fics by some incredibly talented individuals (some of these I’ve put in lists before but w/e here it is again!)

(in literally no particular order at all)

Postcards from Waterfall

Rating: Explicit (Fic as a whole is T but occasionally has specific smut scenes which are marked for easy skipping)

Ship?: Sansby

Setting: Classic timeline

Word Count: 353 763

Ongoing

After an unremembered Genocide timeline, Sans is struggling with lingering feelings of dread. On top of this, coming to terms with his own childhood, and dealing with a lifelong recovery from a massive accident in his youth. However, things seem to slowly improve as he unexpectedly grows closer to Grillby, and feelings turn towards the romantic. But there are still things lurking in the Underground that would do them harm.

(the fic mostly focuses on Sans’ childhood trauma dealing with a apathetic Gaster, an mysterious “Accident” he can barely remember in his near-childhood, his developing feeling for Grillby, and their awkward relationship developing and reacting to situations around them. the plot is paced slowly, but I wouldn’t call it a slice-of-life story as there are larger things at play and get slowly revealed as things move forward)

Thunderstruck

Rating: T

Ship?: Reader / Underfell Papyrus

Setting: Classic Timeline with Underfell Sans and Papyrus

Word Count: 263 284

Ongoing

It’s the classic timeline, and monsters have been on the surface for almost 2 years already. In the Skeleton household though, Sans and Papyrus have acquired two tag-alongs in the form of Underfell Sans (Red) and Underfell Papyrus (Edge) who have come from a much more violent and desperate timeline with no way of going back. This wouldn’t be so bad, but a lifetime of being on constant alert and being intimidating and scary to everyone, where it once had Edge be the most respected of monsters as Captain of the Royal Guard, now sees him severely emotionally and socially crippled. Unable to make friends due to his learned behaviour of being scary and permanently angry, unable to find work because most monsters AND humans find him too hard to handle, and struggling to find his place in his own family unit, with his relationship with his own brother awkward after so many years of pretending to be “boss and henchman”, a strained relationship with Sans who does not trust him (for admittedly good reason) and with the only person he seems on good terms with being Papyrus (who also represents everything Edge could have been but have no hope of achieving).

Things change when caught in a pretty bad thunderstorm, Reader (you) finds him hiding in an alley outside your apartment. And lucky for him, you’re crazy enough to let a terrified stranger into your home until the weather improves, and even crazier, as you decide once he starts yelling, that you’d like to stay in contact with him.

The story is a slowburn Reader-insert romance, but it’s almost much more than that. Told from Edge’s perspective, it’s a recovery fic more than anything. Recovering from a lifetime of trauma, violence, learned survival behaviours, mending relationships with family, learning to fit into a world that at first seems completely incompatible with you, and finding a place in life. Lots of self reflection, sometimes self loathing, pining, confusion, frustration, brief arguments over stupid petty things, arguments over really IMPORTANT things, and a lot of tenderness, even if you’re not someone to go for Reader-insert stories, I highly recommend this one if only for the characterisation and emotional and psychological exploration, especially for Edge and his relationship to to his brother and the world at large. It definitely sold me on his character in a way I’ve never really considered.

Panic Room

Rating: M (note cw on fic)

Ship?: Nothing yet but working towards Reader/Papyrus Reader/Sans (no f//ntcest)

Setting: Swapfell

Word Count: 150 548

Ongoing

It’s been years since monsters broke the barrier, stormed into Ebott, and forcefully took over, place Toriel as the monarch and cutting the city off from the outside world. Ebott has become a dystopian dictatorship, where humans are second class citizens who can have incredible luxury depending on how useful and accommodating they are to their new monster rules, or simply be exterminated if stepping out of line. Reader (you) have been imprisoned for almost a year, living in torturous conditions, scarred from beatings and with no hope or future to even think of. But due to your spirit of Perseverance, you continue to live, to not give in to despair. One day, Swapfell Papyrus (Rus) wanders into the prison, looking to “buy” himself a human (for reasons unknown to you) and, for whatever reason, picks you.

He brings you home, has you cleaned up, healed up to the best of his ability, and then has the hurdle of trying to present you to Swapfell Sans; the Lieutenant of the Royal Guard and Alphys’ right hand man. On the verge of throwing you out, Sans allows you to stay and work as the maid in his meticulous home. A hard job, but you accept, unwilling to try your luck on the streets of Ebott. And so your new life begins with the brothers, and the longer you work there, the more you learn. You learn more about the very touchy but at his core good-hearted Rus, you learn more about the terrifying and ruthless Sans, and the sadness and desire to show kindness behind his mask, and you learn more about Ebott. About the constant servailence, the propaganda machine, the injustice, the violence, the broken system ruled by the blind and terrible queen.

You don’t know what sort of life or future is in store for you now, but it’s better than the prison (ANYTHING is better than the prison) and just at the edges of reality, where you can’t even see or notice them yet, a change is coming. Invisible and far in the distance, but slowly approaching.

Dirty Laundry

Rating: T

Ship?: Reader/Papyrus Reader/Sans (poly relationship, no f//ntcest)

Setting: Swapfell

Word Count: 49 369

Ongoing

Reader (you) have recently moved to Ebott for a change in life (it being monster central may or may not have something to do with that). It’s been a few months since monsters were freed, and many are integrating with society slowly but surely. One day, while at the laundromat, you find yourself watched by a scary but ultimately nervous and “I don’t know how to laundry!” Swapfell Papyrus.

In time, a friendship forms. He’s a really sweet guy, anxious but eager to please. It would all be very cute if not for the fact that his asshole brother doesn’t seem very pleased with you (or anybody?) “worming their way” into his baby brother’s life. Nevermind that their therapist said they needed time apart! Nevermind that Papyrus has asked him for some space! He’s going to make sure his little brother is safe! Just as he always had.

Besides... if he doesn’t, what else is there for him to do? Leave Papyrus alone? Leave both of you alone? Accept that Papyrus doesn’t need him any more? May not even want him any more?

...would that make him happier?

Fired Up and Bone Weary (Series)

Rating: G - T

Ship?: Sansby

Setting: Classic Timeline

Word Count: various

Complete

A collection of short stories and oneshots, documenting the everyday life and events in Sans, Grillby and Papyrus’ lives, starting underground and early dating, and working its way to surface life and marriage. Mostly just fluffy, slice of life settings, only now and then undercut by misfortune or drama. Dealing with Grillby’s complicated family, trying to manage Sans’ fluctuating depression, and Papyrus’ role and desire for a family. Most of it is just small, everyday happiness though. And the fear that at any moment all of it could disappear with a reset is (most of the time) not thought about.

(I haven’t finished the series myself just yet. I got stuck on the third last story in the series, the one with the most chapters, due to personal reasons. I do plan to finish it at a later date, but at this point in time it hit a little too close to home. I still recommend all of it whole-heartedly, as I doubt other people will react to it the way I did.)

There are also a few oneshots as well as fics I’ve mentioned before (like SSLL for instance which I STILL love and you guys should STILL read!!) but these are the main ones I’m reading/have read at the moment!

If you guys want I can make a list of oneshots too. Just let me know 8′D I also didn’t include people’s tumblr names just in case they didn’t want it spread around for any particular reason, and I didn’t include more than one fanfic per author, I may add some of their other work in another post at some point. But I wanted to give each author equal exposure in this post.

Anyway! Hopefully you guys consider any (although you really should read ALL) of these fics! And give the authors comments and kudos!

[speakingformyself101-blog]

The Death of a Friend

‘Death waits for no man’- Markus Zusak

You can never prepare yourself for death. He doesn’t wait until you’re ready, he could care less about your last goodbyes. It doesn’t matter if your good or bad, young or old, death is indiscriminate by nature. Death waits for no man, and he certainly didn’t wait for my friend Joe, who died before he could truly live.

I first met Joe after packing my bags and flying to China with dreams of becoming a teacher. Having arrived at the school a day before me, Joe and I became fast friends; both from England, freshly graduated, and severely out of our element, we found comfort in the familiarity of each other. Genuine and uncomplicated, the friendship blossomed over our shared endeavour to navigate the unknown. Eventually more friends were added on, and we established our own little squad, unbreakable and ready to take on whatever China could throw at us. We laughed together, celebrated each other’s achievements, and provided a shoulder to cry on.

Grief had always been an ambiguous concept to me; never having lost someone I was close to before, my experience and understanding of it derived primarily from TV. This ultimately made it difficult for me to empathise with others, and aside from the customary “I’m sorry for your loss”, my thoughts didn’t venture much further than that. That’s not to say I was some sort of emotionless psychopath, of course I sympathised for those going though such tragedy; believe me when I tell you I was a blubbering wreck for the full 2 hours of P.S. I Love You. But my emotions always had a shallowness to them, which eventually shifted to scepticism. Too often when I witnessed grief on TV it seemed exaggerated to me; the heartache taken and twisted into a caricature-esque illustration of its original self. I looked at it as an over-saturation of real-life, reserved for the big screen to justify drawn-out movie sequences where the main character screams and rages of the injustice of it all while melancholic piano plays softly in the background

It was only after experiencing grief personally that I realised wherein my derision lied. Oftentimes movies and TV shows will portray a character in denial or anger, but fail to show the mental journey that has taken place within the character’s mind to lead them there. Subsequently, to someone ignorant of the psychological proceedings that occurs internally when processing the death of a loved one, it can seem as if these reactions simply manifest out of thin air, with no rhyme or reason to them. Though I can only speak for myself, this failing stripped the emotions of its sincerity, making it harder to empathise with.

 ‘We begin to live again, but we cannot do so until we have given grief its time.’- Kubler Ross’s ‘The 5 Stages of Grief’ (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance)

In Kubler Ross’s ‘The 5 Stages of Grief’ (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance) he discusses the mental dealings behind the core emotions we feel while grieving, including its reason, importance to the grieving process, and how we move past it.  He emphasises that ‘there is not a typical response to loss as there is no typical loss. Our grief is as individual as our lives’. My experience with grief was similar to others in many ways, yet personal disposition, circumstances, and the nature of our friendship meant that my understanding and relationship with grief was wholly my own.

‘This first stage of grieving helps us to survive the loss’

When I first heard the news from a friend over the phone, I was in another country at the time. My denial didn’t manifest in the form of ‘I can’t believe this has happened’ but rather ‘I don’t believe this has happened’. What I mean by this is that, it’s not that I couldn’t accept the truth, but that I actively choose not to. It created a divide in my head, deep down I was aware that I was only lying to myself, but I did it anyway because there was no other option for me at that point. I did whatever I could to strengthen this pipe dream; I told myself that my friend sounded too composed over the phone (he was in shock), that it was just some sick prank they were playing, that motorcycle accidents don’t happen to 21-year-old’s who haven’t even been given the chance to live yet. Me and Joe worked together, and I remember checking the work chat every day thinking that until they make an announcement, there’s still a chance it’s all fake. The physical distance between me and Joe made it so much easier to create a mental distance between myself and the truth. It became a case of seeing is believing, and until someone could provide me with physical evidence of his death, I would carry on this ruse.

During my young teens, I was a sucker for the so-called ‘Girl Power’ storyline. Movies that pitted the strong-willed wall-flower against the sheltered and bird-brained female antagonist was my bread and butter. I had always envisioned myself as that strong-willed wallflower, a survivor at the core who could face whatever life throws at her head on, as if anything less would be a weakness. I grew to realise how utterly delusional of a mind-set that was, and appreciate the importance of allowing yourself to be emotionally vulnerable. However with all that said, it still makes me feel awkward to this day when I look back on my reaction to first hearing the news and think about how delusional I must have appeared to others. Eventually you just have to accept that, as Kubler- Ross states: ‘There is a grace in denial’, it is not a weakness one has to overcome, but rather a coping mechanism that allows us to handle only what we can.

‘Anger is the emotion we are most used to managing’

When I returned home, I could no longer deny what was right in front of me any longer; I could see my friend’s absence, and so I was forced to believe it. It was at this point when the beginnings of anger started to kick in. There was no clean-cut shift from denial to anger, one emotional state didn’t suddenly swoop in and knock the other off its pedestal. In his essay, Kubler emphasises that there is no ‘linear timeline in grief’. In my case, anger was born from my denial, it stemmed from no longer being able to keep denying what was now undisputable. I started to project this anger onto other people, getting annoyed when they openly discussed the details of what happened at work. What is there to talk about? He's gone, where was everyone constantly shoving the fact down my throat? To this day I still don’t know the full story of the accident because I was so against discussing it. All I wanted to do was bury my head in the sand, and it seemed like no one was going to let me do it in peace.

My anger started to turn ugly, I remember seeing a post someone made about how much Joe meant to them and thinking: why would you post this? You weren’t even that close to him? It felt disingenuous, like suddenly people were popping up out of the woodworks to add their two cents and make it all about them. I saw this attitude reflected in others around me, the occasional sly comment, a judgemental pause of silence, as if because you were closer to Joe it allowed you to police how others grieve and to what degree.

*Dusts off psychology A-level certificate*

Building any kind of relationship as a foreigner in China is a social experiment in its own right. Unable to communicate with the locals, unfamiliar of the cultural norms, and oftentimes going days without seeing an foreigner you haven’t already met, you begin to heavily rely upon the few friends you do make in China. Add on to this a 6-hour time differences and the Great VPN Firewall of China restricting accessibility to family and friends back home, you find yourself living in a social bubble. This same isolationism can be seen in reality shows like Love Island and Big Brother, which force their contestants into environments with little to no outside communication. The resulting effects is that relationships, both romantic and platonic, develop at an abnormally fast rate; it made the few months that I knew Joe much more potent than was normal. In such a short space of time Joe had carved a space for himself in my life: he was a colleague, friend, and brother all rolled into one. If I was stressed over something I came to him, if I was proud of something I came to him. But this still didn’t change the fact that, in the grand scheme of things, we were only a chapter in each-others stories, and so when it came to mourning his death, an overwhelming sense of inadequacy and guilt began to emerge.

In the same way that I judged others, I was judging myself. I began to question the validity of my own feelings, whether the short time I knew him justified such strong heartache or if I, like so many of the movies I watched before, simply up-playing a role I thought was appropriate. Did I deserve to feel so sad over someone I barely knew? Who was I to have enjoyed his last few months on earth while his family and lifelong friends couldn’t. When I was sat next to his family at the funeral, I felt like an imposter.

‘Acceptance is often confused with the notion of being “all right” or “OK” with what has happened’-Kübler-Ross & David Kessler

I wish someone had told me beforehand that acceptance does not always equal peace, sometimes it just leads to more heartache and depression. The comforting warmth of denial and distracting heat of anger had been rudely ripped away and what am I left with now? The cold hard truth, what a scam.

Accepting that my friend was gone didn’t suddenly make it easier to digest, if anything it made me question everything. Though it seems obvious, it wasn’t his death that was the hardest to grasp, it was the idea that he no longer existed, or at least not in the way he once did.

Kubler describes this stage as ‘accepting the reality that our loved one is physically gone and recognizing that this new reality is the permanent reality’. In the end, no matter what you believe, notions about an afterlife are all well and good, but it doesn’t change the fact that those passed are no longer in the here and now. How can a walking, talking person, with their own thoughts and dreams for the future, now simply be food for worms? How can someone who was previously physical only now exist in the memories of others? I didn’t want the responsibility of keeping someone alive through only my mind and a few pictures.

‘‘There is not a typical response to loss as there is no typical loss. Our grief is as individual as our lives’

If there is one thing I took away from this experience, it’s the understanding that grieving is a fiercely personal act, idiosyncratic to the individual. I witnessed friends who cried for weeks on end after hearing the news, while others did so only once. I saw friends find comfort in the company of others, and those who found peace through solitude. Some gained a stronger relationship with God, whereas some started to question everything that they once believed.  I realised that the cause behind my judgement of all these tv shows was the same thing that made me condemn those who posted their feelings on social media: I am a very private person, and so these open displays of emotion didn’t relate to me. That’s not to say that I didn’t feel the exact same emotions as everyone else did, but when it comes to my emotions, I’m an introvert at heart. I don’t post my feelings on social media, I rarely cry in front of others, and big public displays of affection only make me cringe. If given the option, I will always choose to implode than explode. This ultimately lead me to my third and final revelation: Everyone grieves in their own way, there is no right, cookie-cutter, one size fits all way to grieve. In the end, it doesn’t matter how you grieve or how long for, it’s about allowing yourself to experience the emotion and working through it to one day achieve some form of equilibrium to this new reality.  It’s a journey we all must walk, and one we can only do ourselves.

For anyone who is currently dealing with death for the first time, here are a few websites where you can find support:

https://www.supportline.org.uk/problems/bereavement/

https://www.cruse.org.uk/get-help/helpline

https://www.itv.com/thismorning/bereavement-helplines

[amehanaaa]

How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days

Thank you guys all so much for reading this story! I’ve never really posted all my chapters onto Tumblr like this, so it’s a learning experience for all of us haha.

Hope you all enjoy this chapter! (Also can be read here.)

Chapter 6 – Chapter 1 / Chapter 2 / Chapter 3 / Chapter 4 / Chapter 5 Words: 3925 Summary: Lucy and Natsu are determined to take the necessary steps to fulfill their lifetime dreams. Little do they know, they have both given themselves 10 days to achieve it.

The second the clock hits noon the next day, Lucy knocks on an apartment door with Natsu standing by her side.

Leading up to this moment, Lucy spent all morning going through her apartment and removing any indication that she lives there. From picture frames to clothes laying around to reusable cups she may have brought to Natsu’s place, she makes sure there isn’t a trace of her.

Besides quickly telling Levy the rundown of what she wants her to do, Lucy didn’t give much time to prepare. However, Lucy trusts that both of their acting skills will be enough to pull this off.

“How do you know this doctor?” Natsu asks while they wait for the door to open.

“We went to college together,” Lucy explains.

Natsu sniffs the air. “This place kind of smells like you.”

Lucy’s eyes widen, but she is saved by the door. On cue, the door slowly creaks open. Standing on the other side of the door is Levy wearing her infamous reading glasses. Although her eyes are stern, Lucy can tell Levy is loving every moment of this.

“Lucy and Natsu. Come in.”

Lucy pretends to look for the couch as they enter. She prays that Natsu isn’t examining the apartment too much. Once they’re comfortably seated, Levy sits directly across from them with a clipboard in hand.

“How have you been, Lucy?” Levy asks.

“I’m great,” Lucy replies with a smile. “Just living life my best life with Natsu.”

Levy hums, taking a look at Natsu. It isn’t until now when Lucy remembers that they haven’t met each other yet. Lucy slightly clears her throat when she notices that Levy seems to be looking at him for a little too long.

“Alright, let’s get to know each other,” Levy begins suddenly. “How long have you been together?”

“Today makes seven days,” Lucy responds.

Natsu stares at Levy scribbling on the clipboard. He realizes that it has only been a week, yet it feels like it’s been a decade.

“Is it too early to be seeing a therapist?” Natsu asks curiously.

Levy’s scribbles pause while Lucy sucks in an animated gasp.

“Did you hear that tone?” she asks with a hint of hurt in her voice.

Levy glances up at them above her glasses as Natsu takes a deep breath.

“This is what she does.” He points at her accusingly. “One second she’s sweet, the next second she turns into a whole different person!”

“Do you think you’re addicted to rage, Natsu?” Levy inquires with complete seriousness.

“Rage?!” Natsu exclaims with bewilderment. Levy raises her brows, causing him to lower his voice. “Sorry. Rage runs in my family, but no. I’m stronger than that.”

“I want you to close your eyes and take a deep breath,” Levy advises him gently.  

Lucy is amazed at her best friend’s skills as they exchange a few deep breaths. She can tell that Levy definitely has been watching too many movies. But even then, she plays the role perfectly.

Once they’ve done a few rounds, Levy gives him a satisfied smile. “Okay, I think I know what step one is for your relationship.”

“Alright,” Natsu nods. “What do we need to do?”

“You and Lucy need to spend some quality time together. No phones, no distractions,” Levy answers. “Natsu, do you have any family that lives around here?”

“I have grandparents that live on the other side of Magnolia,” he responds.

“Why don’t you go visit them for a couple of days? You and Lucy can have more quality time there.”

“That sounds like a great idea,” he realizes aloud. “Let me look at my calendar.”

As Natsu concentrates on his phone, Lucy sends Levy a hard gaze. The most she expected for Levy to do was tell Natsu to empathize with her or practice a few bonding exercises. She didn’t expect to be signed up for a two-day getaway.

Levy notices Lucy’s racing thoughts, so she sends her a sheepish expression.

“Okay,” Natsu speaks up. “Let’s go today.”

“Today?” Lucy and Levy repeat simultaneously.

“A-Are you sure?” Lucy asks, uncertain. She turns to Natsu, finding him with a determined look.

“I want to work through this, only if you do, too,” he responds firmly.

Lucy has no choice but to nod. “Okay. Let’s do it, then.”

“Well, that concludes this session.” Levy stands up, beckoning them out of the apartment. “If you would like another session, you will be charged.”

“You were a great help,” Natsu tells her with genuine sincerity. “We’ll let you know if we need anything.”

They stand from the couch, but Lucy stops a few feet from the door. “I’m going to stay back here for a bit. I’ll meet you at your place in an hour.”

“Since we’re riding on my bike, just bring a backpack,” he replies.

“Okay, thanks.”

Lucy blinks incredulously as Natsu leans in and gently kisses her forehead. He looks down at her with a glint in his eye.

“This is going to be awesome,” he says.

With that, he leaves the apartment. Not wasting a second, Lucy immediately turns to Levy with a scowl.

“I’m sorry!” Levy bursts out before she is lectured. “I didn’t think he’d actually agree to it!”

“This wasn’t in my outline,” Lucy groans. She starts to pace through the apartment. “What if our relationship gets better after these next two days?”

“Well, what else did you expect out of couples’ therapy?” Levy counters. “You know, Natsu is actually a really attractive guy. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if you worked things out.”

“That’s not the point of this experiment,” Lucy retorts. She rubs her temples in distress. “Should I actually go with him?”

“You’re going,” Levy answers simply. “I’m sure you’ll think of something while you’re there. Also, consider it a treat for yourself after working so hard this past week.”

Lucy decides to take Levy’s words with a grain of salt. While she can agree she has worked harder than she thought she would, she is fearful of what will happen these next two days.

What kind of home does he live in? How will Natsu’s grandparents treat her? Does he have siblings? What will they do during their stay? Will they sleep in separate rooms?

Lucy gulps as these thoughts drift in and out of her mind as she packs her bag. She has no idea what they will do together, but a part of her can’t help but be excited to experience something new with Natsu.

“Keep me updated on everything!” Levy calls out to her once Lucy has her backpack set.

Lucy sends her a small smile while closing the door. She can feel anticipation swelling up inside of her, but she tries her best to suppress it. The last thing she needs to involve in this mess are her emotions.

Lucy’s legs seem to be moving automatically as they take her to Natsu’s apartment. There, he is already outside on his motorcycle.

“Have I been on this one before?” she asks, noticing that the color looks slightly different.

“Gray has one that’s pretty similar,” Natsu replies. “Anyway, you ready?”

It isn’t until now when she begins to piece together that it was Gray who nearly flattened her all that time ago. But now isn’t the time for that. Lucy sits behind Natsu and wraps her arms around his waist.

“You might want to hold tighter than that,” he mentions.

Lucy yelps, causing Natsu to chuckle as they drive away. Due to the deafening wind, they don’t get to exchange too many words. She’s grateful—she still isn’t sure how she wants to present herself these next two days.

Only an hour has passed when the city buildings disappear, replaced with luscious trees and wider streets. Even though Lucy has never been on the outskirts of Magnolia, she isn’t disappointed. She can’t believe it took her this long to come out here.

Soon enough, Natsu drives into a neighborhood of cookie cutter houses. Several streets later, they are entering a driveway to a petit home.

“Welcome home,” Natsu says, shifting gears on the motorcycle.

Lucy hops off the bike to stretch her arms and legs. She studies the house in front of her; it reminds her of traditional homes on magazines.

She follows Natsu to check if the front door is unlocked. The door opens and he cocks his head to the side to welcome her in.

As she enters the home, Lucy is instantly hit with a smell that causes her eyes to water. The smell surrounds her with a distant familiarity. She blinks her tears away before Natsu can notice.

“Igneel! Grandeeny! I’m here!” Natsu calls out.

Lucy sees a silver-haired woman appear. She has permanent wrinkles that accompany her warm smile.

“Natsu, it’s so good to see you again,” Grandeeny says. She gives him a loving embrace, peeking over his shoulder at Lucy. She pulls away with the same smile. “So, you’re Lucy?”

“It’s nice to meet you,” Lucy replies, sticking her hand out. She’s surprised when Grandeeny hugs her instead. The warmth of the hug is enough for the back of her eyes to start watering again.

Lucy can’t figure out why her eyes are reacting this way. She doesn’t have much time to think due to the sudden movement of someone running through the living room.

“Wendy has gotten so big!” Natsu proclaims. He picks up the toddler, her vibrant blue hair swaying over her face. He helps her push it back with a grin.

“Natsu is big, too!” Wendy points out.

They share a laugh until another body crashes against Natsu’s legs. He looks down to find a boy mischievously giggling.

“Sting, you’re going to shock the whole house!” Natsu teases. He sets Wendy down to wrestle with the boy.

Lucy watches the three play with one another in amusement. A sense of awe develops inside of her at Natsu’s softened personality. He ends up chasing after Sting and Wendy somewhere else in the house, leaving her alone.

She takes that as an opportunity to observe her surroundings. She sees multiple pictures hanging on the walls, all capturing different ages of Natsu. His smile still hasn’t changed, although she wonders if his hair has actually gotten brighter over the years.

“You can take your stuff upstairs,” Grandeeny tells her, inviting her further into the house.  “You’ll be staying in the last room on the right. We’ll meet you in the backyard.”

“Thank you,” Lucy says gratefully.

After stepping upstairs, she enters the bedroom to realize that it is Natsu’s room. It’s clear that the room has aged along with him—some spots on the walls have chipped paint, the carpet has several stains, and the closet is filled with moving boxes.

There are a couple of plastic trophies sitting on a shelf, forcing Lucy to stand on her tip-toes to read the awards. She stifles a laugh when she reads that they’re all for eating competitions. She’ll definitely have to ask him about that sometime.

She turns back around to place her backpack down on the bed. She pauses after she realizes that it’s just a full bed. She is moments away from a train wreck of thoughts, but she dismisses her worries for when the time comes.

To distract herself, she wanders to the window and takes in the view of the backyard. She can see Wendy and Sting still happily playing together, which causes her to become misty-eyed again.

It isn’t until that moment once Lucy recognizes the reason for her tears. She is being reminded of a time when she lived like this. Having her own bedroom, looking outside to see a family, being unconditionally loved in her own home—she didn’t realize how much she missed it until now.

Lucy jumps as a hand gently lands on her shoulder.

“Are you okay?” Natsu asks.

“I’m fine!” she assures. She looks at him while rubbing her eye. “I just have something in my eye.”

Natsu looks at her skeptically, obviously not convinced. “You know you can tell me anything, right?”

“It’s not time yet,” she tells him as softly as she can. She tries to change the subject. “Is your grandpa home?”

“Not yet. Grandeeny told me that Igneel went out to get some ingredients for dinner tonight,” he answers.

Lucy tilts her head. “You call them by their first names?”

Natsu blinks several times before realizing. “Oh, right. I haven’t told you yet. They’re not my actual grandparents. They’re my foster grandparents.”

Lucy doesn’t hide back her puzzled expression. “You’re a foster child?”

“My parents put me up for adoption as soon as I was born, so I never met them,” he explains. “I had foster parents, but their house became too full, so they sent me here when I was 15.”

“Are Sting and Wendy foster children, too?” she asks.

Natsu nods. “After experiencing me, Grandeeny and Igneel wanted to foster their own kids.”

Another wave of awe washes over Lucy. Over this past week, she has been so intrigued at the stories of people Natsu allowed her to meet. Yet here she was, forgetting to consider Natsu and all of the incredible layers he has, too.

“I lost my parents when I was 15,” Lucy blurts out.

Natsu hums, his eyes softening at her. After spending so much time with Lucy, he can finally discern all of the layers everyone has—her included.

“It sounds like we both have stories,” he mentions.

“I guess we do,” she replies quietly.

They stand in front of each other for a few moments. The silence between them is heavy, but Lucy is comforted at how closer she already feels to Natsu.

“Natsu! Lucy! Igneel is here!” Grandeeny’s voice travels up the stairs.

Lucy’s heart leaps into her throat as Natsu reaches over to take her hand. Even though they’ve held hands before, this time feels the most genuine of all. She allows him to lead her out of the room. Once they’re in the kitchen, they find Igneel with his back to them. Natsu gets his attention by clearing his throat.

“Hey, Igneel.”

Igneel turns around, a large grin immediately spreading across his lips. Wrinkles decorate his face, although they sink deeper than Grandeeny’s. Despite not being blood related to Natsu, their smiles are strikingly similar.

“Welcome home, Natsu.” Igneel doesn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around him and tightly embrace him. “It’s been too long.”

“I was here for Christmas remember?” Natsu remarks.

“When was that again?” Igneel asks, rubbing his head to jog his memory.

“Five months ago,” Grandeeny reminds him.

Igneel shrugs and directs his gaze to Lucy. “So, you’re the one!”

“The one?” Lucy repeats curiously.

Natsu opens his mouth to interject, but Igneel doesn’t give him a chance.

“You’re the first one that Natsu has brought home to us and meet!”

Lucy can’t hold back her wide eyes. She turns to Natsu, but he avoids her gaze with shaded cheeks.

“Well, I’m happy to be here,” she says, realizing how much she means it. “Thank you for welcoming me here.”

“We try,” Igneel sends her another grin. “Natsu, why don’t you help me cook dinner? Grandeeny and Lucy can set up the table outside.”

As Lucy follows Grandeeny outside, she picks up Natsu muttering to Igneel.

“What are we cooking tonight? Lucy doesn’t eat meat.”

Lucy mentally curses at herself for her selfish, fake eating habits. She feels as though the way she acted this past week is slapping her in the face; however, it’s through kindness and love. Is this what it feels to be killed with kindness?

It isn’t long until the table is set and Lucy is sitting with all types of toddlers. She knows Wendy and Sting, but there are two she hasn’t met yet.

“That’s Rogue and that’s Sherria,” Natsu introduces them.

“We are best friends!” Wendy announces proudly, pointing at Sherria.

“That’s great,” Lucy responds with a slight laugh. She directs her attention to Rogue, seeing his averted eyes. “Rogue, who is your best friend?”

“Sting because he’s my brother,” he answers with a hushed voice.

Lucy glances at Natsu to see him nodding. She has officially lost track on how many times she has been amazed at how intricate this family is.

“Dinner is served,” Igneel presents as he places a dish in the center of the table. “Cheesy zucchini casserole made just for you, Lucy!”

“T-Thank you,” Lucy stutters, taken aback at how delicious it looks.

“Don’t get too flattered,” Natsu remarks as he reaches over to take a piece. “Igneel used to be a chef back in the day. He can make anything.”

That doesn’t make her feel any better, but Lucy expresses her gratitude by making sure her plate is nearly licked clean. She almost does because the casserole is that good.

In the midst of eating, Lucy observes Natsu as he speaks to his family. This is a whole new side to him. While she knows about seven days’ worth of his life, he updates Igneel and Grandeeny on the past five months.

She learns about his new work uniform, a new restaurant tried out and loved it, the pain in his shoulder from high school still exists, and now he has a cat to take care of. For some reason, Lucy’s heart swells at how alive Natsu is as he tells these stories.

“Are you still thinking of leaving central Magnolia for a place with more activity?” Grandeeny asks.

Natsu hesitates, which causes Lucy to wonder if there’s more to what he reveals.

“I’m just waiting until I have more options,” he answers.

As the sun sinks further beneath the horizon and the air starts to become chilly, the family takes that as a sign to go inside. Lucy reaches over to stack the plates and carry them inside.

“Natsu and I will handle the dishes,” she assures.

Igneel and Grandeeny don’t argue, showing their ages as they yawn.

“Well, we’re going to put the kids to their rooms and head to bed. What are your plans for tomorrow?” Igneel asks.

Natsu shrugs and casts a look at Lucy. “We don’t really have anything to do.”

“Why don’t you go explore the beach?” Grandeeny suggests. “They’ve done some renovations to the pier.”

“Then, it sounds like we’re doing that,” he replies easily. “Goodnight, you two.”

With a shared shrug, Igneel and Grandeeny take the sleepy toddlers into their rooms upstairs. Lucy has only touched one plate when Natsu takes it from her hands.

“Hey, let me help,” she insists while trying to take it back.

He shakes his head. “Nope, you’re a guest here. Guests aren’t allowed to help.”

Lucy purses her lips, leaning over to take another plate. Natsu blocks her by sticking his hips out and bumping into her. She giggles and pokes his side to make him to jump. Their laughs blend with the sound of dishes clinking against one another.

Clearly not getting the chance to help, Lucy lets out a sigh in defeat.

“You can get ready for bed,” he tells her. “I’ll be up there soon.”

Lucy has no choice but to return upstairs. After finding the bathroom, she decides to wash her face and slip into more comfortable clothes. She can feel a butterfly or two swirling in her tummy; their time here has already felt too good to be true.

However, she stops in her tracks when she enters the bedroom. Natsu is taking a few pillows and blankets to toss them on the floor.

“What are you doing?” she questions.

“I wasn’t sure how you felt sharing a bed with me,” he responds.

“It’s fine,” she guarantees with a wave of her hand. “We can sleep together.”

The words come out suggestive, which causes Lucy’s cheeks to warm up. Before he notices, she helps him put back the blankets and pillows. After that, she looks into her backpack.

“It’s only eight o’clock,” Natsu sighs out. “What are we supposed to do—”

He doesn’t finish his question as his eyes land on the deck of cards that Lucy holds up.

“Since you said you normally win any game you play,” she says while shuffling the deck. “I wanted to see how much you’d win tonight.”

“You’re on,” he challenges her.

Sitting crisscrossed on the bed, they play all types of card games until the middle of the night. Oftentimes, the card stack falls over because of the cushioned surface. It isn’t long until Natsu and Lucy migrate to the floor instead.

There are moments when they accidentally raise their voice or laugh too loud. In response, they quickly press a hand to their mouth and listen for one of the toddler’s cries. When enough time has passed, they resume the game.

It isn’t until Lucy has won her third game in a row when Natsu falls back on the floor and sprawls out his body.

“Unbelievable,” he sighs out. “Not even Gray has beat me this many times.”

“What can I say?” Lucy shrugs with a smug look. She catches a glimpse of the alarm clock and gapes at the time. “Natsu! It’s almost three in the morning.”

“We should probably go to sleep,” he admits with a yawn. “Igneel and Grandeeny have to take the kids to school before they go to work, so we’re on our own tomorrow.”

“Sounds like a plan.” She stands up to return the deck of cards to her backpack.

They’re silent as Lucy lifts the covers and snuggles beneath them. Natsu waits until she’s comfortable and then leans over to turn off the lamp. As darkness overcomes them, she holds her breath as he joins her under the covers.

Suddenly, the bed feels a lot smaller than when they were sitting on top of it. She can feel his body heat radiating next to her.

“I sometimes get overheated when I sleep,” he admits, his voice disappearing into the darkness. “Sorry if it gets too hot.”

“You’re okay,” she responds softly. She’s not ready for them to go to sleep yet. “Hey, I meant to ask you earlier. When did you get those trophies?”

“My eating competition ones?” he asks.

Lucy nods, forgetting that he can’t see her. The sound of her hair pressing against the pillow is enough for her nod to become audible.

“It’s sort of embarrassing, so don’t make fun of me,” he tells her. “In high school, we used to have eating competitions.”

“You competed in all of them, didn’t you?” she lightly laughs out.

“Every single one of them,” he replies proudly. “I was the top eater in my grade.”

She can’t help but continue to laugh, Natsu promptly joining her. Their laughs sound like lullabies as sleepiness begins to settle. They’re quiet again, which allows their eyes to slowly flutter close. Lucy is hardly awake when she hears his voice.

“Today was really fun with you, Luce.”

“No one has ever called me that before.”

“I just did.”

“I like it.”

“I thought you would.”

Neither of them can fight their eyelids anymore. Natsu wasn’t lying when he said his body overheats, but Lucy finds it oddly comforting. This entire trip so far has been just that—so pleasant that it makes her feel like everything will be okay.

With a warm blanket pulled up to her chin, she allows herself to enter her sweet dreams and imagine what tomorrow will hold.

[cy-fi-theansweris42]

The Good, the Bad, and the IDK How To Feel About That of: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows (2016) (Part 2)

(Continuing from where we left off)

Good: THE ENTIRE BIT WITH CASEY V. SPLINTER! How you see Raph and Mikey look at each other with mischief in their eyes before trying to look serious, how Leo laughs for just a moment before trying to be the serious leader again and trying to get them to stop, and then how they all just look on in amusement when Casey charges Splinter, it’s all wonderful! Plus with Splinter’s “giant rat one, new guy zero” YOU KNOW he heard them and played along. I love it all.

Bad: Casey only ever saw the truck from the front, so how would he recognize the Tartaruga Brothers logo?

Good: Just give me an entire movie of Donnie doing science stuff, it’s all I need in life.

Good: Leo’s head shake and smile when Donnie’s rambling about science stuff (I’m ignoring the initial eye roll)

Good: AUGH, HOW DONNIE INSTANTLY STOPS BEING EXCITED ABOUT THE POSSIBILITY OF BECOMING HUMAN, COMING UP WITH REASONS WHY WHAT LEO’S SAYING MAKES SENSE, IT HURTS MY HEART SO GOOD JOB MESSING WITH MY EMOTIONS

Good: Leo’s sword training is AWESOME (I’m jealous, high-key jealous)

IDK: You guys haven’t finished that Christmas album yet? It’s been a year, lol

Good: I really like how instead of just charging in, yelling about how Leo didn’t tell them about the ooze, Raph leads up to it, talking about honor which he knows is important to all of them.

Good: THE LOOK ON RAPH’S FACE, LOOKING AT LEO LIKE “Did you really think we wouldn’t find out”

Good: YOU CAN SEE THE EXACT MOMENT LEO REALIZED WHAT RAPH IS TALKING ABOUT AND IT JUST SCREAMS “oh shit” THIS BOY KNOWS HE DONE MESSED UP

Bad: You tell people about this stuff Leo

Bad: You did not consult with Donnie, you told him what to do

Bad: “There’s only one vote that counts in this family, mine.” LEO NO

Good: Donnie nerding out about the museum, same

Good: Donnie rambling on about science, his mind whirling at a mile a minute while he figures out what’s going on, freaking heck they did so well with Donnie in this movie

Good: Knowing that portals work both ways (it’s like Hawkeye from Avengers all over again)

Good: April knowing something is up with Raph and Mikey doing stuff without Leo and Donnie, but rolling with it

** “Who you calling chicken, turtle?” Oooooh, sick comeback Jones (not)

Good: I feel like all the comments about Casey not being buff or anything is them joking about Amell’s role in Arrow, because at this point the shows been going on for like…4 years, and he’s freaking jacked in that show, plus I’ve seen this guy run through an American Ninja Warrior obstacle course like it’s nothing. If this is them making jabs at that, then that’s hilarious.

Good: I love Raph and Mikey trying to get through police headquarters by themselves, like A for effort you guys, you’re doing so well.

Good: ‘Heroes in a half-shell’ jingle again and Donnie sounding happy that Mikey’s calling him and then instantly going into big brother mode and telling Mikey that they’re on their way.

IDK: THEY’RE NOT MONSTERS AND I KNOW THIS IS JUST HAMMERING HOME THE WHOLE ‘they wouldn’t be accepted’ THING WHICH IS WHY I’M NOT MARKING THIS AS BAD BUT HOLY FREAKING HECK AM I PISSED AT THAT COP!!!

Good: Mikey’s soft “we’re not monsters” SOMEONE GIVE THIS RAY OF SUNSHINE A HUG, HE DOESN’T DESERVE THIS

IDK: I really don’t know how to feel about Leo’s reaction to Mikey feeling hurt by what the cop said. I really don’t.

Good: Mikey sounding genuinely happy for Bebop and Rocksteady “achieving the power of flight”, lol, pure bean.

IDK: Is Raph only afraid of jumping because of the lack of things to grab on to or something, he jumps around New York and off of buildings no problem.

Good: DONNIE JUST CASUALLY WALKING OUT OF THE PLANE

Good: All of their reactions to Donnie just jumping, lol

Good: “Prepare for the ouch!” AND THEN THEY ACTUALLY SAY OUCH WHEN THEY HIT THE PLANE, LOL XD

Good: Mikey’s reaction to seeing a giant warthog and rhinoceros that he knows they’re going to have to fight is just the single “HEH” awkward laugh, I love it

Good: Donnie just holding onto the part of the Arc Capacitor and telling everyone who’s fighting around him to watch it, lol

Good: IF YOU LOOK IN THE BACKGROUND AFTER ROCKSTEADY FIRES THE TANK, YOU CAN SEE LEO JUST GIVING HIM THIS LOOK AND THEN HE JUST RAISES HIS ARMS LIKE “are you serious right now”

Good: Donnie’s “I’m doing awesome”, yeets the control stick away, lol

**Bebop, don’t tell me you’re thinking you can outswim a turtle, please

Bad: I hate how much wire was used to run the camera feed to the box, it’s so inefficient and an absolute waste of wire.

Good: Once again ‘heroes in a half-shell’ jingle being used because the job was successful, I love how much Donnie uses this little ring tone for things.

Good: I hate conflict but it’s very well done right here and I just want them to stop fighting, so bravo making me feel emotions again.

Good: Donnie instantly jumping to Mikey’s defense with a “how could you!”

Good: The Chief just says “well-played” in response to Casey having picked her pocket to steal her phone, big mood

IDK: I want to know how Donnie hacked the Technodrome, like is it just one giant Wi-Fi hotspot, how did he even connect to it?

IDK: How does he know the atmosphere is toxic, just give me a little explanation, please

**I want to know how that ooze works, full injection causes full permanent mutation, drops of slightly re-engineered version causes very temporary changes lasting only a few seconds, and apparently one sip changes external appearance but not internal systems. Does it have to physically enter the body via injection or ingestion in order to make permanent changes? (assuming it would permanently change their appearance, that could also be temporary, but if it was then wouldn’t Donnie say that?) Why would it start externally and work inwards when it would first make contact with internal systems? (so many questions, I just want to know how it works, I love science stuff)

IDK: And Raph just made the decision for everyone without asking…just like Leo did

Bad: PUT DOWN THOSE GUNS I SWEAR

Bad: EVEN AFTER SHE SAYS TO HOLD THEIR FIRE THERE’S STILL COPS POINTING THEIR GUNS, STOP IT

Good: I LOVE THEIR LITTLE TEAM UP THING ACKNOWLEDING EACH OF THEIR DIFFERENCES!

**A footnote in the history of the Foot clan, ba-dum tss

Good: “When something bad happens, you want to be with the turtles!” Lol, Vern’s got it figured out

Bad: Why is Shredder surprised about being betrayed by Krang when he just betrayed Stockman?

Good: I’m pretty sure in the area where Krang puts Shredder, you can see a Triceraton and I love the reference.

Good: I love Casey’s “well do you wanna switch?”, he sounds so done

Good: “chewed up piece of gum with a face” is the best description of Krang that I’ve ever heard

Bad: The way Vern jumps down on that Foot ninja, like come on, the dude saw him and still didn’t do anything!

Good: “He is literally re-arming” Lol, very true

Good: Excellent use of momentum when Leo nearly gets thrown off the Technodrome and just swings back around, I love it

Good: When Donnie finds the beacon, just slowly realizing that it’s way out of reach, lol

**I’m so sorry, more science rambling: Would removing the beacon from its spot instantly start messing with the construction of the Technodrome, like are each of the pieces set to assemble in a certain order at certain distances from the beacon, meaning that once assembly has begun and the beacon gets moved, the pieces would suddenly try to readjust? Or is it a more general signal and the pieces know where they’re supposed to connect with room for error, which is why the signal needs to be outside the Technodrome in order for assembly to stop? (I just want to know how it works 😭)

Good: I LOVE how instantly they’re all each going after Krang the moment he has Mikey, saying how nobody messes with Mikey, and I swear, there’s a little bit of extra sass with how they move their weapons after taking Krang down, like a “that’s what you freaking get”. Like, at the end of the day, they’re protective of their baby brother and heaven help anyone that tries to hurt him.

Good: THEY GET KEYS TO THE CITY

Bad: “I think you should give people more credit, they’ll accept you now.” SAYS THE PERSON THAT WAS INITIALLY CALLING THEM MONSTERS WHILE HER OFFICERS POINTED GUNS AT THEM. “You could live a normal life, like the rest of us.” YOU KNOW HOW PEOPLE ARE, STOP GIVING THEM FALSE HOPE!  

Alright, that’s the entire movie. Honestly, I love it a lot more than the first, there’s so much good stuff in this movie, you can see how they’re teenagers, so much more Donnie (after a severe lack in the first one…I’m also very biased since he’s my favorite, lol), and the sibling relationships between the turtles is great. Time for a tally.

Good: 69.90% (72 goods) Bad: 20.39% (21 bads) IDK: 9.71% (10 IDKs)

(I hear there’s plans for another one…I can’t wait to see how that turns out, lol)

[zdbztumble]

Penultima Raving (KH III Spoilers)

No, I haven’t finished the game yet.

I must be near the end, as I’ve ended up in the crazy windmill world from the opening sequence, but as there was quite a bit that happened in the short span of story progress I made today, I decided against waiting ‘til the finale to do another write-up.

Where I left off last time was Sora piecing himself together - literally - and then proceeding to rescue everyone but Kairi in the various Disney worlds. That Kairi didn’t need rescuing, but was in fact keeping Sora from fading away, and was there to guide him back to the realm of light, was a great idea. The line “you’re safe with me” was wonderful, and a good start to a pay-off on her promise to be the one to keep Sora safe this time. But a great sequence in isolation can’t achieve its full potential impact when the character arc that it’s a part of is so neglected prior to that point. And as for the follow-up to that moment...well, let’s come back to that.

I feel torn here, because there’s quite a bit in this section of the game that’s brilliant in concept and beautiful to look at. If the execution weren’t so spotty, then this post would be much shorter, and much more of a SQUEE! in text form.

Going point by point:

- The cutscene when you enter the Keyblade Graveyard the second time, opening in the same way as the first, was a bit confusing but not a bad idea. But having Terra defend his friends against Terranort was. If I’m just starting to get the hang of how the Xehanort Horcruxes and Sora’s “host to three hearts” business all work, I still can’t figure out how Terra’s heart relates to his possessed body. More importantly - after Sora goes through the hard work of rescuing everyone and turning the clock back, having another character rush in to claim the Hero Moment leaves him feeling like a bystander in his own story. This isn’t a new problem in this level; Sora was a glorified bystander in the two Disney fairy tale worlds. Other characters pointing out how special and important Sora is throughout the game, besides being annoying and actually undermining Sora’s special qualities, make it all the more obvious when he gets left out of important action.

- Surfing the Keyblade stream is fun, but it’d be more fun if the combat didn’t just amount to hitting a single button in rapid succession, and if it wasn’t made confusing as hell with a random shout-out to the mobile game.

- The multiple Demon Towers surrounding all our heroes made for a very dramatic visual and a formidable sense of menace. It’s a shame I never got a chance to see how challenging they actually were, because this entire sequence is left as a cutscene. I imagine there are serious technical challenges to putting together a battle where Mickey, Riku, Aqua, Ven, Kairi, and Axel are all battle partners to you along with Donald and Goofy, but this just makes me think again that a toggling system that let you battle as members of various parties would be a great solution.

On the other hand, this sequence gave us Master Yen Sid casting his Fantasia magic all over the place, and that was a truly unexpected pleasure. I don’t care much for him being a Keyblade Master on top of being a wizard, but seeing him be a wizard was amazing. Now all we need is a Sword in the Stone world where Merlin can cut loose.

- Splitting the party up and leaving Sora to find them in a maze is a great idea, as is pairing enemies that were formidable bosses in their own right together to face him. I didn’t find any of them that much of a challenge, but I think I’m overleveled (spent a bit too much time having fun with the ship battles in the Caribbean, I think.) The bigger problem with these battles was the pacing, with cutscenes interrupting the gameplay entirely too often. Each of the villains is given an almost-identical death sequence, and with pretty much none of them being likable (or even memorable in some cases), the efforts at giving these moments some pathos, and the attempts to create moments between the dying and Sora, all fall flat.

- Did I miss something about there being two Replikus? I have been so confused about this ever since the Big Hero 6 level. The one running around being an evil Organizer was confusing enough, but another one living inside Riku? And being able to spontaneously emerge from his body to neutralize the evil one and leave behind an empty replica for Namine, who is also in this game by the way? The fuck?

- This whole sequence serves as a great illustration of the problems that come with having too big a cast. Terra gets his Hero Moment back in the Graveyard (and virtually the same one in the maze), but he gets written out of the action pretty quick. Aqua and Ven do too, as do Axel, Mickey, Riku, Kairi (still not back to her yet); all the Keyblade Wielders of Light get shoved out of the way rather unceremoniously unless the time for their one brief flash of brilliance (if they even get one), while the bulk of the story is driven by the antagonists. But as I said, the members of Organization XIII are still not very interesting, and there are too many of them for any one to stand out.

- What the fuck is Xion doing back here? She barely made sense as a character in 358/2 Days, but her death was one of the very last to have any sense of permanence, and to give the concept any meaning in this world. That’s now undermined even worse than it already was. On top of that, it seems obvious to me now that all those conversations between Ansem and “Ansem” that I thought might be alluding to Kairi’s part were actually about this blank slate of a character.

- And now we’re back to Kairi.

Xehanort cutting her down didn’t surprise me. I’ve been expecting something like this to happen from early on in the game, though I wasn’t sure whether it would be Sora or Kairi who was killed. In part, this is because I stumbled on some sad fan art that, though lacking any description or anything to tell me that it was a moment from the actual game, was tagged “spoilers” and made me nervous. A bigger tell for me was the fact that most of the Disney movies used have a moment of sacrifice for a loved one. Meg shoves Hercules aside, and Herc in turn offers his life for Meg’s; Eugene gives up his chance to be healed to free Rapunzel from Mother Gothel; Anna rushes forward to take a blow for Elsa; and Tadashi and Baymax both sacrifice themselves in Big Hero 6. At World’s End also sees the lovers Will and Elizabeth cruelly separated by Will’s death, with Jack sacrificing his chance of immortality to give them some measure of happiness.

Between that, and all the taunting by Organization XIII, there was a sense of foreboding early on in my play-through that something was going to happen to Sora and/or Kairi, and for all the missteps in the handling of their relationship over the years, those kids are still cute as hell, so I was emotionally invested. But then, in each of the worlds where a death or sacrifice happens, no connection was made by Sora, or any other character, to him and his bond with Kairi. In previous games, moments of much less importance would set him or someone else off, but not here. In some cases, that makes sense (Sora wouldn’t even be aware of the sacrifices in Big Hero 6) but for those moments that he literally bares witness to, it seemed very strange. While that was something of a relief, as it made any potential death seem less likely, it was also annoying, as I’d given the game credit for selecting worlds with the same thematic idea as a neat bit of foreshadowing that seemed destined to be an unfulfilled coincidence.

Then, when Kairi leads Sora back to the realm of light, Sora has a brief flash of Eugene and Anna’s sacrifices, and the connection was finally made. (Will’s death gets left out of the count for some reason.) It was very little, very late in the game, but it was something, and I started expecting a death again. But this was after the neglect of Kairi’s character and of her relationship with Sora became apparent, and the emotional investment did not return - at least not in full force.

It is rather cliche, killing the heroine (or letting her die) to motivate the hero, but that’s not a reason not to do it if it can serve the story and be executed effectively. Given how important Sora and Kairi are to each other, it’s the ultimate extreme that you can take with their arc. So I can’t object to the idea out of hand. And had Kairi been kept a prominent presence throughout the game and her training as a Keyblade Wielder made apparent and meaningful, her being cut down after demonstrating skill and bravery would have made for an extremely powerful moment.

That’s not what we got.

What we got was everything I objected to in my last post about Kairi, with a vengeance, in this entire section of the game. While I didn’t have the same experience of her being an incompetent battle partner that others have (she even pulled off a quick heal in a pivotal moment), she (and Axel) could have been removed and I wouldn’t have had any more trouble with those bosses. Of all the Seven Lights, Kairi’s consistently the one with the least screen time and the least to do in the cutscenes. The way Xemnas and Xehanort handle her, she’s reduced to a prop, a passive object. And when the moment of slaying comes, it lacks the dramatic flare and emphasis that was given to the deaths of literally every single member of Organization XIII, or to the revivals of Terra and Xion. This - the death of our supposed tritagonist, who is the prime motivating force for our hero and who plays a vital role within this fictional universe as a Princess of Light - is quickly tossed out and moved past.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; this is not about Kairi being a favorite character of mine (until she’s developed more, I can’t call her that.) This is a character who is supposed to be important. Not just important, but central. You can’t maintain the credibility of that idea if you leave this character sidelined for game after game after game, and only ever trot her out for when the plot requires something to happen to her. Again, the moment where Kairi tells Sora “you’re safe with me” is a good moment. Sora’s cry of “why her?” is striking; the implication is, basically, “out of all my friends that you could have killed, she was the one I would choose to save,” and that is a powerful moment. But moments can’t cut it on an arc this important, not after three games disregarded it and this one spent nearly all its time on the convoluted mess of the villains’ scheming.

That no one in the development process of KH III (to say nothing of the games between it and II) ever realized this, or recognized the problems that it would cause at the climax of this, the culmination of the entire series up to this point, is truly baffling, and I can’t imagine that there’s any way that the story can dig itself out of this mess in the short time remaining on the game.

[phantomphangphucker]

One Lonely Star

Chapter 1 - Star Fall Down

Chapter 2 - Just A Little Lost

Chapter 3 - An Apple For The Fairest 

Chapter 4 - The Day The Stars Ate My Heart

Summary: Melting Down Hope 

Mother brought me something today. It’s a core connector prod. I can tell it was meant to hurt ghosts, everything with her is like that. But I see the potential immediately. It can convert internal core energy into a massive explosion of external energy. This, connected to what I’ve already built might do something. My core is strong, very strong, the energy burst I could make would be unrivalled. I do not know if my ice could combat the lighting and explosions of the stars but, maybe just maybe, this could work. Even if it only worked on one, or could only damage it a little; it would be progress. 

With that I tinker away, giving her a curt nod in thanks. She shakes her head at the thanks and puts her head down, body stiff and fists clenched. It’s the pose of a child pleading for forgiveness. But it’s unneeded, I forgave her before she ever did anything that needed forgiveness. I simply pat her arm to let her know that, a soft smile playing across my face. She just stares at me in shock and walks away, shaking tears from her eyes. I know my pat was not enough, she wants me to be angry, to yell. I know that’s what she would do if the roles were reversed and she knows it too. That doesn’t matter though, I’m not mad, I’m not even disappointed; I expected it. I knew it would happen someday, I accepted that fact a long time ago. So I’d rather she not worry about it, all is forgiven. But even with her new view of this half of me, things can’t change; it’s too late. I, no we, ran out of time for a heart-to-heart, for complete openness, ages ago. At one time I could have told her, maybe I should have, but I didn’t. I kept my secret to keep her and many others safe, that’s my job. So I’m still not going to tell her, it would break her and honestly; her son has been gone for a long time. Lost to the role of a hero. A role chosen, given, created, needed. Did he ever really have a choice?

That’s the thing with life, with this kind of life. It just happens, it’s random. Some random kid in some random town living some random life. A call comes and things change. Everything changes, it always does. Imagine if it didn’t? Where would we all be now? Because my call, it both damned me and saved me; in so many ways. It’s done the same for so many others as well.

My existence didn’t cause the fall, I know that. I’d take the blame if asked though, and I have. But if I wasn’t exactly as I am now, I would be dead. Maybe there’d be someone else to do the tinkering, to bare burdens, to be the hero. But I’d rather not take that chance. Especially considering I haven’t seen nor heard of anyone else doing what I am. Sure the only other ever like me tried, but it was rooted in selfishness not heroism; and he failed in a very permanent way. So it’s just me, which is why I can’t stop, can’t wait, can’t change. I must keep working, always. Even if there’s no one left to save. I hope that never comes to pass. But if it does, if I’m all that’s left, I’ll just keep going. I have to, it’s all I know, and maybe someday new life would come. I’d make sure to be there to protect that new life, even if every second I existed caused me nothing but pain. I’d watch over every single damn one. I’d scream and shout for them to grow strong, for them to fight for survival, for them to just live. No matter what I had to give to do it.

With so much in mind I tinker away, pulling things here, putting things there. I know I look like something crazed, the way I feverishly tinker. In some way I think my parents would be proud, me being a little inventor. Sometimes I used to bother with names, but names get you attached to things. I can’t afford that, if it doesn’t work I have to disassemble and try something new. Attachment makes doing that hard, while I’m willing to bare any hardship; I’d prefer to not place completely avoidable ones on myself. I sure there’s only so much weight I can carry before everything just gives out. I worry, as I come to a finish with my tinkering, that I’m already starting to give out. I always overestimate my own power. Which I shouldn’t do but I have to truly believe I can take it all. Otherwise, I might avoid taking some; and I can’t do that. Plus I hear belief is a powerful thing, it can change everything. If I believe strongly enough that I can bare it all, that I can save it all, that I can be the hero; then eventually, I will. I have to. And if every part of me breaks in the process then that’s ok.

Staring down at the trinket, which I’ve done all I know I can to. I choose to rise. It looks dangerous and cruel attached to my chest, but to me it looks like hope. Like an apple. The others notice my stand but they also notice my damaged body. They move to help me walk to where we all know I’m going. But I don’t need the help, I don’t need the protection, I don’t need to be saved; not yet. So I stand as firm as I can and make sure I look even firmer. I wave them off and shake my head. A couple look at me with awe, some with pity, and others with reverence. But through all the looks I can see the underlining mixture of sadness and determination. Here I am faced with a group who won’t lie down, they’ll keep going and I know that even if I fail; they’ll try to survive on. They’ll drag me back and push me to try again, and if I can’t they’ll wait for me till I can. I refuse the idea that my possible inability to continue my work will ever be permanent. I will violate and destroy every natural law if I have to, why not? I’ve already violated at least one. And being in an ongoing state of being both dead and alive has to be the biggest break to natural laws out there. So the rest can’t be too hard.

And now with the new updated trinket, I look out to the surface land; filled with stars of death. These people all know what I’m trying to do now. They’re every look screams “Be the hero”. They show it with body language too, as they each in turn place a hand on my shoulder piece; right on the words. They wish me silent luck and wish the world silent luck through these permanently inked words. I turn my back on the on looking humans, those I must protect, as I walk with defiance towards this, the biggest star. With every step I scream inside my mind, I will keep trying! I won’t stop working! Can or can’t be damned! Possible or impossible be damned! I may love the stars but these stars need to be destroyed.

Activating the trinket I know it’s doing something. What? I don’t know, not yet, but it’s something. All I can do is hope it’s good. The temperature plummets and I can tell the natural moisture in the air near me has turned to ice. I always found it beautiful, the ice, all the forms it can take and how the light passes through it. My core has always been dear to me because of this, with it I can create beauty. Beauty makes people feel happy and safe, no matter where or who they are. So I don’t mind when my core makes itself known, I didn’t mind back then and I don’t mind now. As the blue glow of my core grows stronger than ever and pulses out over my skin, it’s power reverberates in the air when suddenly I see a grand collision of pure energy.

Barriers swirl and clash, two worlds melding into each other in grand fashion. I feel terrified for the years of work that will have to be put into achieving unity between the two sides. I can see the hate writhing on both ends, while I exist in the middle. I bring a light hand to my chest and close my eyes, if only for a second. With myself tapped so truly into my core I can feel it all, all of both sides. The hurt and the pain the fall has caused, is still causing. All the loss. It’s so very much. But I’ll take it, I’ll take all of it, give it to me.

I open my eyes to the sight before me, for the first time I truly see, fully see. The waves, maps, sparks and flames that tie my two worlds to each other. Though I am raked by pain, grief and weakness; I feel overwhelming love and protection. These feelings aren’t for myself but rather every creature, everyone gone, everyone still here, and everyone yet to come. Humans. Ghosts. And everything in between.

I look to these “stars”, these poisons I once loved; the idea of them I still do love, but not in this form. These stars are tainting everything, destroying it with their vaporizing lightning and poisoned fire.

And so for the first time in a long time I just stand and I truly look around, sense and feel. Every spark, wave and flame of both my worlds. The interconnectedness of it all and how it’s still so separate. I sense my core within me, every part of my damaged body, and finally, my very being. I understand now. I get how this will go, how it will work. And it will work. It has to and I have to do it. I promised I’d always be the hero. I promised I belonged to them, to everyone else. I promised I’d grin and bare it. I promised I would keep working till it was done. I promised I’d find a way. I promised my everything. And here, now, that’s what I’ll damn well give. I never break a promise. Not then, not now, not ever. I would say not in the future, but that’s not applicable anymore.

I know now and with that knowledge I look to the faces, all the faces that exist on each side. A man of clocks watches through a portal crying as he looks to the soon coming future. A crowned Yeti bows his head, leading his people to follow suit. A mother’s eyes wide with shock and horror, underneath it lies regret. A bearded man squeezes his robotic arm tight. A sister, glowing brightly, looks on with pride.

And finally, I look to my own self. My core glowing so bright it envelops all of me in soft blue. My green eyes fierce and unwilling to bend. My smile is a mixture of happiness, sadness and pride. And with that last look to any sentient being I loft my head high and blast my cores energy across everything. Bathing the world in a wash of glowing blues and greens, as a mixture of crimson red and acid green bleeds through every pore and hole of my mortal body. Forming a grand pool beneath my floating form. Core energy, cold fire, consuming everything. Pieces of flesh fall away, turned to smoke and mist in the air. Eyes bubble and drip down my face, sliding over liquefying bone and fading away flesh. Bones and organs drip down, thickening the messy pool. But that too is billowing mist and being consumed into my energy. Chunks of hair fall off, turning black as they do before they too are consumed. All the while I smile, through it all I smile. Every kind of pain is mixed together in one brutal mass. Shocking, burning, crushing, breaking, drowning, choking, cutting, boiling; I smile. As a hero I will go, maybe a saviour too. I look back with unseeing eyes, with that soft smile playing across melting discarded bones and teeth. I’m numb to my senses know, so I know not how any onlookers feel. I hope I am not causing them pain and that is why I smile back. Because it’s ok, this is ok, it’s always been ok. My smile serves to let them know that. And with that, I feel myself go.

Slowly, as the great all-encompassing blue energy fades, a small ball of green light forms where there had once been a star of cruel white and a boy who was always the hero. A massive beam of green light shoots from the ground, through the sky and into empty space. Leaving behind only silence and darkness, as every single star burns out.

[aefintyr]

what's one thing u want people to know or remember about ur muses?

Uhhhhhhhhhhh, this is an unexpected question lmao I literally had to sit here for a few minutes and just like, think about it. Because I’m like, terrible at headcanons. I usually keep that shit in my brain or I vomit it at friends lol

LETA PYRITES

As much as Leta is justified in their actions, it doesn’t excuse what they’ve done and they know it. Yes, their role is mainly as a spy and blackmailing others but they have witnessed many, many deaths, been complicit in the deaths of many Muggles and Muggleborns, and have actively killed when they’ve had to. They’ve never wanted to and don’t enjoy it, but they know it doesn’t matter in the eyes of their victims or their victims’ loved ones. In their eyes, they’re just another Death Eater, another Pureblood, another monster. Their reasons don’t matter. And Leta has learned to live with this.

ÉTIENNETTE WILKES

My sweetest, softest, rose-tinted girl. She isn’t the serpent hiding underneath the flower, she is the flower. But that doesn’t mean she’s innocent. She compromises her morals until they become basically irrelevant because she chooses her friends over morality, over what is right. She surrounds herself with monsters, cares for monsters, and willingly works for the biggest monster of them all. Part of it is being inadvertently conditioned over the years by her friends to disregard her morals, but a lot of it is by choice.

MARY MACDONALD

Her Catholic upbringing had a big effect on how she views the world, regardless of whether or not she still believes in God but especially when she stops. It affected her disillusionment and subsequent distrust of Dumbledore, and it affected her own morality when it had been so absolute. Thou shalt not kill. Her faith and belief in God was one of the foundations of who she was, and that gets absolutely shattered after Mulciber nearly kills her. Through the haze of depression and emptiness that follows, she eventually comes to two startling conclusions: either God isn’t real and could have never saved her or God is real and didn’t bother to. She takes a sharp left turn into morally ambiguous territory, and as they say - the rest is history.

PANDORA LOVEGOOD

The fact that she is a Malfoy is so, so important to her character, y’all, like I’m not even fucking with you. It gives context to how she interacts with others, her relationship with blood purity and Death Eaters, the subsequent rejection of those things because she doesn’t have time for that and just why Pandora treats the world a particular way in reference to how she’s always been treated throughout her life.

ALECTO CARROW

Alecto has numerous ugly scars on her back inflicted upon her through dark magic by her father. Her back is honestly a mess of horrendous scar tissue and have never properly healed due to the nature of cursed wounds, and she has always been self-conscious of it. Her father made sure it was on a place that generally others wouldn’t notice. When she attends pureblood events and parties, she never wears backless dresses and is very particular when she has sex with others. They’re a permanent reminder of what she has to live up to, of her father’s expectations and punishments when she fails to. She hates him for it that she imagines killing him countless times and hopes to run away. She loves him enough that she continues to try and fail to be good enough for him.

GRISHA MCLAGGEN

Will I ever stop saying her relationship with Tom/Voldemort? Probably not. I mean, you can’t blame me when it’s kind of the center point of the fan film. He’s a crux component of her identity and the discovery of her heritage, and how she grew into herself during Hogwarts. Grisha holds herself responsible for not stopping him when she had the chance, when she had many chances to. For not seeing the red flags for what they truly are, for seeing them and turning away because she wanted to see him as the brilliant boy she fell in love with, as her best friend she was going to change the world with, as the hero who saved Hogwarts at the cost of a poor girl’s life and a sweet boy she knew. Grisha bought into the illusion and the person because she wanted to, because she couldn’t face the reality of who this boy she’s known all these years really was. Then she became an Auror as a result but it was already too late to save him from himself. And then she was too late to save her friends from him.

BELLATRIX LESTRANGE

Bella is a monster, plain and simple. She is a horrible, terrible human being and is a villain for a reason. I don’t see how you could ever forget this but don’t think I forgot this, because I definitely haven’t. She’s a powerful, deadly monster; delighting and an expert in killing people. But this doesn’t negate how important her relationship with her sisters is to her character and to me. To her, they are, or were, her soulmates; her flesh and blood, meant to be hers and meant to be by her side forever. She is not who she is without them. Her loyalty to them is fiercer, more absolute than her loyalty to her own parents - or so she thought. Andromeda’s betrayal entirely fractures her identity and how she saw herself and the world around her. She stops letting people in almost entirely, her distrust skyrockets, and she double downs on everything awful about herself while simultaneously becoming obsessive over those she cares about that she has left. 

ALICE LONGBOTTOM

I don’t believe I’ve ever stated this on the blog yet or have it mentioned on Alice’s profile yet, but Alice was a fucking magical genius. She was a poster child prodigy born into the limelight because of her Quidditch superstar dad and Sacred 28 mum, constantly compared to and pitted against her Squib twin sister and she hated it. But she also worked hard to live up to her own expectations, and in some ways the expectations of her parents and the public. She is brilliant and good, applying herself to anything and everything - partially so her sister doesn’t miss out on all the sorts of magic Hogwarts has to offer. I believe Dumbledore would’ve recruited her regardless of whether or not she was an Auror, that was only a bonus. Basically, out of all my muses, she’s the only one who would actually be a threat to Bellatrix and the Lestrange brothers.

MAFALDA PREWETT

Okay, I often joke about how awful Mafalda is; how she likes to show off, is an attention seeker and is hungry for validation, sarcastic and bitchy and rude, and has a tendency to be nosy and eavesdrop and gossip about others. But like, she’s a match for Hermione in terms of intellectual and academic prowess. And she isn’t afraid to work hard for it, to make up for the years where she was left in the dark by her parents in order to catch up to her peers and be better than them. Like she genuinely enjoys learning and is very, very gifted and studious. She’s a tad bit too arrogant, sure, but there’s a genuine reason for her arrogance.

CHARITY BURBAGE

Charity is still very materialistic. It’s not a surprise, honestly, for a girl raised by purebloods and swathed in wealth. She enjoys and savours expensive clothing, fine wine and food, lavish trips to beautiful cities. There’s a certain image she projects after rejecting her real name and using ‘Burbage’ instead, with long sweaters, and cups of tea, and dog-eared pages in worn copies of Hamlet. But yeah, she still keeps a small fortune of galleons around before she self-exiled herself, and the apartment she bought is in a far more expensive area of Muggle London. But at the same time, she was willing to give up her comforts and material wealth and luxuries for the sake of her independence and bettering herself away from the influence of her family. 

LILY EVANS

My Lily is, purposefully, not like Fanon!Lily, or at least I’m trying to consciously not make her like that; whether or not I achieve it is another story altogether. There’s a lot of pent up resentment, and she was very willing to break the rules that she often made others uphold. She wasn’t friends with the Marauders at all during most of Hogwarts, only starting to befriend them when she began dating James in her seventh year and absolutely abhorred the boy until she ended her friendship with Snape. She had her own group of girls she was very close with, including Mary Macdonald, her best friend, and had dated a few people before James, with one very serious relationship with a girl ending by Sixth year. She was very willing to seriously hurt Mulciber (and even kill him) when she heard what he did to Mary, and after Dumbledore said that Mulciber wouldn’t be expelled for his actions. 

KATIE BELL

She REALLY likes girls, that’s all. Okay, but seriously her friendship with the girls around her - Angelina, Alicia, Leanne, Hermione - is so important to her, and important to me too. It’s as intrinsic to her character as Quidditch is, as the terrifying moment when she got cursed by the opal necklace. Although they are a part of her realisation that she’s attracted to girls, she really loves them a lot and would do anything for them. 

DORCAS MEADOWES

She never wanted this life. Dorcas has been running away from this for so long, trying so hard to untangle herself from all of it, because this isn’t who she is, who she wants to be. She rejected magic, she rejected the Wizarding World, she rejected her place in the war. Being special, being different from everyone around her, fucking frightened her. She was content with the life she already had - being normal, as normal as a Jewish-Indian girl can be living in Wales with two dads. Her moral compass is the choke chain that holds her in place, that drove her to join the Order after much convincing from Alastor Moody, that had her agreeing to become a double agent within the Death Eaters’ ranks. There’s a lot of self-loathing and reluctance when it comes to her character and her involvement as a Double Agent.