#idk. maybe i can just use it on socials for now
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i've been thinking a lot abt going back to using my birth name but changing how it's spelled since that's what i don't love abt it...............
#i don't think the quebec government would allow a name change for no reason but#idk. maybe i can just use it on socials for now#for ref my birth name is hailey but i think i want to spell it haley????? maybe hayley. hm#haley.txt
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im sorry i think people are weirder about tone tags than they need to be it does not take rocket science to figure them out most people will tell you if asked i literally JUST googled a few and the meaning was right there easily google-able. IDK LIKE you're welcome to not like them but i feel like the million posts about them not making sense is disingenuous and this ALWAYS HAPPENS when people try to make accessibility things. just say u dont like them and move on!!!! there is no need to be weird to autistic people who work differently from you!!
#IDK maybe im frustrated cause like!#tone tags wouldve been rly helpful if they existed that time i was treated awfully and kicked out of a server#because people kept misreading my tone in conversation and would like#randomly accuse me of being cold/condescending when i JUST spoke clinically bc of my autism#or would misunderstand social cues and get confused by what people meant#and everyone told me ''well you can just be more clear''/''just stop talking like that''#which is PRETTY ABLEIST.#BUT I WAS SEEN AS THE CRAZY ONE FOR- AT THE TIME- ASKING IF THEY COULD JUST ASK ME WHAT I MEANT#OR WHAT MY TONE WAS#BC I DIDNT HAVE A WAY TO COMMUNICATE THATT#and now ive been like#cringed out of using tone tags. which r for people with this exact problem#because a few people on the internet think theyre dumb#man whatever#meow.txt
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🙄🫠
#yk when i said i'm back to being active on tumblr well yeah 😅#i had to write a seminar paper for uni and it hasn't been going well because i got sick and didn't get much done#well i got an extension luckily but it still was a struggle the topic was just rly difficult to write about#i'm almost done now at least some 300 words i still have to write and then proofread and work on better formulating but yay#i should get it done today but yeah i'll manage so i'll be back when i'm done the latest tmrw#but seminar papers are for real my least favorite part of uni 😅 it's so time consuming and can be a real struggle ugh#i rather write an exam lmao#but anyway i needed to rant ://#my money got stolen 🙃😫#sometimes life just throws some shit at you ugh#like having to write this paper and not having a social life anymore isn't enougj#i don't know how it happened? i mean i don't know for sure but i can't explain it another way#like the money was in my wallet the day before yesterday and yesterday the whole day i didn't use my wallet qnd then it was gone??#maybe while i was at uni football but that's crazy it was not some public place but in a school gym lockerroom??#or maybe someone stole it from my backpack on the street idk?? but i didn't notice#but that was money i got for my birthday from my dad and aunts 😪#and i wanted to buy something nice with it and ig i will anyway but it sucks :((#it was not a little no i had 150€ in my wallet 😭 at least my credit cards are still there ig#but i realize now how stupid that probably was to carry so much money with but i thought it was safe fr#like i have lived in austria all my life and this never happened to me 😫 and it was not like i was walking around with my wallet openly#i mean i will be fine it would be a lot worse if that happened to someone who is just barely getting by but i'm still upset#and my mom told me that apparently it happened to a friend of her as well when she was in my city but like i never heard that before...#from any of my friends ... or maybe it really is that more dangerous with thieves in my uni city but like i wasn't aware#bc i mean in general austria is like a very safe country comparatively and feels like it never was on my mind#maybe it's horrible bad luck but in the future I will be careful to carry any cash with me 🙃
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oooh chat I'm so dumb
#****** came from london for a social night with the choir. karaoke at a pub#he got drunk. I was slightly tipsy#at some point he got jealous about some other guy from the choir talking to me i think#then he was like half sitting in my lap. we were holding hands#I said “****** what are we doing. you've moved to london”#he was like apologising and i was like “we can be friends”#and he was giving me a sad face and I was like “DONT MAKE THAT KICKED PUPPY FACE”#anyway we talked. I was like “it just wouldn't work. but I like hanging out with you”#and he was like “yeah me too”#so we can still hang out. as friends#we have concluded#I like him i do. but idk if I like him THAT way#or if I even want to get in a relationship right now so#and that's before considering the long distance. it's a no go#but we can do friends. apparently#also he told a friend in the choir about “us” apparently#or rather she asked him about it? seemed to think we could be a thing?#would like us to be a thing. apparently.#so she asked him about us tonight lol. and he was like “yeah that's not happening she made that clear”#anyway I'm dumb. I was like “when you asked me if I was seeing anyone i thought maybe”#“you were just making conversation”#and he was like “no OBVIOUSLY i asked for a reason”#lol. well!#at least we talked. I guess.#//#personal
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why oh why can't you delete asks after you send them
#star says#did an oopsie and let my ask complete with social anxiety not yet edited into appropriate format through into someone's inbox#going into hiding now now#on an unrelated note posting writing feels very different to posting art#maybe bc I'm more used to it?#idk I'm just more anxious about it#even though I think that I can write to a higher standard then I can draw
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thinking about nora again
#fallout#okay first of all her full maiden name is lenore dubrovhsky#she's somehow related to the russian diplomat who is the grandfather of natalia dubrovhsky#maybe his niece? idk but she immigrated to the us after meeting nate during his tour because she claimed she was IN LOVE#i imagine she was in her late teens and nate was in his early 20s#and she falls for him and he promises he'll help her with going to college in the US and they'll have an equal marriage yadda yadda#so they get married and nora becomes a lawyer#so they've been married around seven years and she's doing her training as a legal secretary when oops! she becomes pregnant#(nate sabotaged her birth control but shhh she doesn't know that)#so nate persuades her into putting her career on hold just for a little while until they can start putting their son in daycare#(shaun takes heavily after nora's side of the family to the point nate jokes about whether his DNA had any say at all)#(he also later joins the army and dies in action)#so nora's being kept at home all the time. taking care of the kid. cooking all the meals. cleaning the house. barely any time for herself#and she gets so frazzled she gets into a minor car accident while taking shaun home from the doctor#nate freaks out and confiscates her car keys so now she can barely get out of the house without him on her arm#barely any adult social interaction and any family she could have had keeping her company was all the way over in russia#so she has a quickie with a door-to-door salesman and when her next kid pops out with red hair#the lack of resemblance to nate stops being funny#he agrees not to leave her but says he can't trust her at home alone anymore so he gets her a job at shaun's elementary school as a teacher#this happened around when shaun was 11 and he's harbored a hatred for his mom and his sister ever since#nate promised to raise the girl like his own but he's distant with her which rubbed off on shaun#so the girl. i'm calling her annabelle. TOTAL mommy's girl. wants to be just like her#so when shaun's seventeen he fakes his enlistment papers so he can be enlisted early and dies in combat#i imagine nora misses the baby boy she raised and is utterly upset he turned out this way#and by 'this way' i mean i imagine him as a patriotic misogynist and nora does not hold kind feelings towards the US for various reasons#nate was proud of his son for dying for a cause he believed in#so when annabelle's six nora gets pregnant again and that's when i imagine the bombs drop#the school nora works for is a really privileged private school (nate comes from old money) and that's where the cryo pods come in!#i imagine it would be like a 'saving america's youth for a brighter tomorrow' thing idk#also the day the bombs dropped nora killed nate before heading off to work. woulda been totally caught had the bombs not dropped HEYOOOO
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i was trying to use that age post to try an gauge how old an alter is but due to not being a literal child in the meat world shes kinda contradictory. the youngest on that post is 4 anyway where they can understand language but she cant. so idk. she has very limited speech but i dont think its linked to her age i think thats just a limitation she has but she also cant understand language most of the time either. so idk. anyways thats my late night tjoughts
#posts#i dont talk about her much bc it feel like. weird kind of. shes just a little kid so i dont wanna talk abt basically her personal life#esp since its not really possible for her to have input due to communication issues and bc she is Not going to be using social media. lol#but for now i will talk abt her bc i feel like it idk. she split off when we went back to the mental hospital after Escaping. she has the-#-same birthday as me actuallt#at first she could write and undertsand feelings directed at her i guess? and could ostensibly speak but maybe not idk. bottom line is she-#-could do language for the first few days and then we got covid#and ever since then the only thing she can say or write is ''you have covid.'' which is what was said to us when our test thing came back#<- duh#so thats her name as well. but we call her co for short#shes contradictory in that she kind of Appears older than 4 like i might put her at 6 idk im not the best at visualizing age#but she has those massive restrictions on speech but at the same time can copy letters okay like her hand is more steady than expected#<- ive always assumed thats muscle memory at work but idrk#and also she likes specifically ada rook and stomach book's music. just in addition to everything else that was randomly aded to her existe#she also likes those like. aesthetic organization/snack cart restocking tiktoks. and civil court shows. and bluey#and baby yoda and frank sinatra nmovies
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yall this old lady craft group is the best thing ever and i want to cry thinking abt how grateful i am to have it fjfkdl i think this might be the one group that i feel wholly welcomed into and actually a real part of for the first time in my life ;-; ♡
the group leader always seems to want me to sit next to her and her daughter is always interested in seeing what im working on when she comes at the end and she also tells me abt different crochet patterns she's seen on fb marketplace or she brings in old patterns for me to look through and take what i want, and then the card maker lady is offering to give me this big old crocheted clown doll that her mum made her years ago and she immediately offered to give me a ride home without me even saying anything (so that i wouldnt have to try take it home on the bus fjdkdl), and they were all super excited for me when i told them I was able to fix my accordion, and they just... treat me like an equal and a human person and fjdksl man ... it's so nice
AND IM JUST 😭💗 about it all !!!! it all feels so foreign to me !!!! i do not know when I've ever felt so fully part of a group and an equal to everyone there !!!
#and theyre always so happy to see me when i arrive fjfkdl#I've had coworkers be happy to see me but thats always been bc i was like... useful and made them feel good LMAO#its so easy to have coworkers enjoy ur presence if u do ur job well and compliment them when they do things well#or even just like. hey i like ur shoes. just simple things go a long way#so ppl have been happy to see me in the past but its only been bc i was useful to them ;-;#BUT THIS !!! this is just me being part of a group !!! i am an equal !!! its such a wild feeling !!!#im like... a full person !! its crazy !!#now granted. idk if they'd treat me the same if they knew that im queer and like. very mentally ill but DHDJDLL#thats okay idk i can live with not sharing those aspect of me bc it doesnt feel important in that setting#AUGGHHH it is just such a good feeling idk fjfldl i wish i could express it better#when u have been lesser ur entire life it is so incredible and wonderful to be treated as an equal#i did not realize how EASY it could be to socialize and feel safe with ppl if they'd just ... treat u like a human and an equal#like idk if I've ever felt so safe in my life around other ppl before fjfkdl this is crazy#ANYWAYS IM GETTING TOO DEEP ABT IT MAYBE SORRY FJFKDL im just soooo in awe that i get to experience this#and i wanted to share this bit of joy djfkdld#dandy.cmd
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My 1 take I can give on current bfdi/tpot "criticism" (which I don't see much of but It Exists) is that from what I've seen is that a good chunk of it can be boiled down to "It's not pre split bfb"
#i try not to post opinions like these a lot cuz#1. i rather have these discussions with my friends if anything#2. I don't use social media as much anymore so I see less discourse#but its like#it kinda baffles me how when i DO see criticism towards the show a lot is just#'its not charcter/story driven and doesnt have/finish arcs'#which. may i remind you#in pre split bfb they didnt finish or halfass them either#it was so ambitious. too much for its own good imo#and sure itd be cool if we had that but#thats just not what the show is#for the majority of its run#i feel like ppl are too postsplit poisoned idk#thats its own can of worms#maybe now that bfdia is continuing ppl See what i mean that when i say#tpot is rly just More of that era bfdi again#sorry but if you want smth more character and story driven you may just want a Different Show#cuz tpot isnt bad for that. It's just not what you want#anyway i think the show is the best it could probably be rn and im having fun#if i want smth more srs i look at other things
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A silly thing to randomly say maybe but I was thinking about it again. Yall are always free to take silly inspiration from my artstyle/the way I draw. I feel like trying to imitate cool things you see others do in art is a big part of the process in learning how you like to create and do things. So ye, if you ever feel bad for taking some light inspo off of my art aesthetics, don't! As long as you're not outright tracing or reposting, I really don't mind!
#text post#just rambling#sometime thoughts come to my brain and I wanna shout it into the void lmao#so here I am#I FEEL like I've said this before on my blog but it was ages ago during my sun and moon phase#just before my little social media crisis lmao#but ye#you see something I do in art and go “man that looks cool maybe I can do that too” I say go for it#Cause I learned the same way. Still do. I see an artist do something that makes their work pop and I'm like#“hmmm can I soak this into the style I already have to further build onto it?”#I understand not all artists are comfy with their work being taken inspo from. Cause some people get rattled when a style looks identical#when it can be hard to tell the two artists apart#I get that; that specifically isn't super fun to deal with. I admit I've never had to deal with it? But idk.#I personally think its fun the few times I've had people take a little quirk from my art style and starts using it too#but thats just me!!! I'm not everyone#okay ill shut up now
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having a "former gifted kid" type mental spiral
#i say this because the spiral is actually about how much i hate the word and the general culture around giftedness#mostly because its incredibly inconsistent between schools so people often mean different things when they say it#but also because in my specific case its certainly not a gift but like. what am i supposed to call it.#its literally a neurodivergence in my case that has had many effect postive and negative on my life. but its also a school club.#and its also nothing! before the advent of like modern standardized public education i wouldve just been a curious kid#Without modern public education im not sure i wouldve even been different from other kids. maybe a little socially awkward still but idk#and like. Am i really different from other kids? am I now as an adult different from my peers? Occasionally i will get told as such#how the fuck am i suppose to talk about how much being seperated from my peers and held to higher standards sucked#when the name of the reason why this happened might as well be 'gods specialist little boy'#none of the things that make people think im smarter are really all that useful day to day. and most non-gifted people are like. still smar#i happen to be good at memorizing the kind of facts schools test you on as children#but is that just because i was told as a kid to be good at school and so i tried hard to do that?#even if I am uniquely good at that#does that really make me more intelligent than the high school dropouts who can fix cars like its nothing?#in fact i would say they are at least wiser than me for picking something practical to be smart at#at my school being gifted usually implied you were a little neurodivergent and bad at socializing#often our gifted kids were actually failing classes because they were smart enough to realize they didnt matter#(not me but still)#but at some schools being gifted just means you were an avid reader or were pressured by your parents to maintain perfect As at all times#so if i say. wanted to talk about how being 'gifted' has often made some aspects of academia like hating emails and having time blindness#and not having a good friend network and having many unadressed issues around not really knowing how to make friends#if i wanted to talk about that. and i say 'I was gifted growing up and this sucked'#the person on the other end might hear 'oh woe is me im so smart and this makes my life so hard'#AND FURTHER STILL#on tumblr especially 'former gifted kid' has kindve become parlance for 'guy whining about nothing'#or even 'person who they were told was smart but is actually kinda dumb'#which... yeah! theres a reason many former gifted kids are like that! thats kindve my issue with the program in the first place!#it takes otherwise relatively normal if well achieving kids and tells them they are gods specialist little children.#THIS CANNOT BE HELPFUL TO ANYONE? like whatever chance the kids had at seeming normal has been stripped away#and they now also think they are the smartest person in the room in every situation
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currently having a queer identity crisis on this accursed holiday
#but actually. i’ve realized that like. 95% or more of my attraction to men has been comphet#i thought it wasn’t because i’ve been more or less identifying as bi since i was 11#so like. i figured if i didn’t like men at all i would’ve figured it out sooner?#it wasn’t until a couple years ago that i resolved to stop dating straight & masculine guys because i feel like i’m performing for them#and my current partner of 2.5 years is amab and socially perceived as a man but he’s bi and sees himself as ‘void of gender’#which is also the way i see him but not the way most people see him#he does get mistaken for a woman a fair ammount though. which brings us both a lot of joy lol#but anyway. my crisis is that i’ve been feeling more and more detached from the bi label because i feel like it implies attraction to men#and i’ve known for a little while now that i’m almost exclusively attracted to femininity and androgyny#and primarily attracted to women in general#like if i weren’t with my partner i would 100% be out there dating women and maybe? identifying as a lesbian#but i feel like i have no claim to that label especially with my current partner who is not a woman and is much more androgynous than fem#idk. do i keep calling myself bi? it feels like i’ve slipped away from it#i’ve been using queer a lot more lately because umbrella terms are the only thing that seem to make sense to me anymore#i know labels can be super complicated and unhelpful in some cases but i also want to know where my place is in the community ya know?#i feel so confused without a solid label and it’s causing me a lot more stress than it should#(also my partner is such a blessing and said he’d be supportive if i ever felt i needed to leave him to be with women)#(like he said ‘i’d be sad for a while but i’d still be your best friend) and i was just 🥺#this may be even longer than my last tag novel lmao i just hate the idea of putting this stuff in the body of the post#anyway if any pals/mutuals read all that and have any insight or advice i’d be curious to hear#reena.txt
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ofc ive always had adhd, but personally what really fucked up my attention span is agar.io (and being depressed enough to play it for hours every day. people whose lives are ok dont do that shit)
#like im financially stable but really really really really lonely and it was covid when i started + body image problems etc#im already taking all the meds i can this is more of a skill issue#lets break down why my life is so bad: im rude to people and end up randomly (accidentally?) upsetting them often#so its hard to maintain friendships#im on social media for friends instead of irl bc messing up irl is scarrier but combined with agario its messing with my attention span#(it didnt use to. how i use social media just changed. i used to watch long videos and fine tune my tumblr feed)#+ lets be honest the world is kinda scary and difficult for everyone#also its hard to find true communist queer autistic polish people who dont drink AND are not on tiktok#but still i should really get out there#i should sleep more eat better excersize more and idk maybe i would have more energy. idk how much of it is incurable chronic fatigue#but i need energy to get out there. i have time just not the energy#and maybe not the confidence. admittedly my confidence is very fake and fragile and i can talk to people but when i fail i crumble#crumble is such a cool word. crumble bumble doo be di doo. i have a little red present for you#i like rhyming with scatting. you can just say whatever. one of my fav cartoon gags is when you can kinda tell what the character will rhym#like 'crumble bumble doo be di dosis my mother has come down with osteoporosis'#ok going to sleep now goodnigth
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Lmao okay okay white cishet social manager has now been added to the DEI Pride planning meetings which frankly is important to ensure shit is done right I’m attending as the multi-tool queer of the division and comms administrator/quartermaster who’s main role is holding the comms team accountable (my supervisors/head of comms words not mine) so my goal of making sure our Pride and LGBTQIA+ history month campaigns aren’t reductive capitalist rainbow washed nonsense is still a go
#the head of marketing is a cis gay man who i respect highly and like but he's very much into rainbow washing and capitalist pride#as someone who came out much later in life and has been cut off from his community (i can only assume he does not make an effort to connect)#which is a point of frustration with me i am one of four (?) openly lgbtqia+ members of our divisions not counting students#and its two cis gay men#a she/they lesbian mom who i love but barely work with#and me the grey ace bisexual transmasc nonbinary person aka the multi-tool queer#the two cisgay men don't really register my experiences or queerness as legitimate or on par with their own i'm rarely included in convo#one does at times but only to complain about cishet nonsense or to discuss new shows to watch but our tastes don't line up a ton#the head of marketing does not regard me as an equal in the queer community at all and while i do not deny his input for pride whatsoever#i worry that his social manager will use him being gay as an excuse to be lazy and reductive and only show the cisgay rainbow washed pov#hence me stepping in last year/being brought in by our old social manager (i miss you cody) and comms team last year#because they knew this was a risk and they are all cishet#i feel like this is potentially going to be the breaking point in my polite friendship with her#like we're friendly when its not about work but theres always been something off and i don't like her work/approach#and i just feel like something is going to go wrong her need to interrupt this morning with I MADE A HEADER just felt wrong idk#head of comms chose me for our divisions dei committee as well so i could be part of these internal conversations so again idk#maybe im just on edge because of -gestures at usa right now- and i have absolutely no patience for us fuckin up something out of laziness
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woo gardening
the dish in the middle is for bees. im gonna put blue marbles in it and then fill it with water. the water is so they dont die of thirst (which is apparently a common thing to happen to bees?) and the marbles are so they dont drown
i have extra marigolds along with some seeds and bulbs that i didnt get to fit in there (its also bcus i had an odd number of each type of marigold and i for some reason felt the need to make this somewhat symmetrical)
i didnt get to use any of my bachelors buttons seeds. of which i have a shit ton. hopefully my mom figures out a good spot for me to plant everything else bcus i want to plant the fucking bachelors buttons
#i tried to use a shovel at first but then just gave up and used my hands to dig#also these all came from nurseries (i think thats the term im looking for?) near where i live#no lowes or home depot here folks!#…ok so the dirt came from either lowes or home depot (i forgor 💀) but the plants are from actual nurseries#anyways uh planting shit is fun bcus you get to act like a creature but in a socially acceptable way#also. just remembered. massive fucking bug bumped into me while i was digging#i didnt get to see what kind it was but it felt soft? for some reason? so maybe a bumblebee since theyre fuzzy#can yall tell that i like marigolds#if only i had alliums but everyone in my family except me doesnt like them#well. except me and my sister (middle not youngest) but she has decided that if i like something she likes it so she doesnt count#eh chives are alliums and my mom always plants herbs so i guess well end up with some eventually#man half of this post is in the fucking tags#i like plants ok#uh#idk if i should actually tag this#fuck it i want the world to see my wheelbarrow#i. i thought it was spelled wheel-BARREL. its. its not spelled wheelbarrel oh my fucking god im a dumbass#in my defense ive never seen the word written until now#gardening#flowers#plants#idk what else to tag#uh yea bye
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SHE WAS A MAN ? YOURE TELLING ME THEY WERE GOING TO BREAK THE QUIET AUTISTIC COUPLE AWARD REGARDLES???
"they got rid of the best male character in the series"
ok?? die mad about it. they just invented the cuntiest woman in the series. move on
#BRO WHEN I THOUGHT CHANGED THE STORY I DIDNT THINK GENDRSWAP#LIKE TELLING ME FRANCESCA AND STERLING PROBABLY ARENT GONNA LAST IS BAD ENOUGH#BUT TELLING ME THAT STORY WASNT ONLY GOING TO HAPPEN REGARDLESS#BUT THAT IT WAS MEANT TO BE STRAIGHT??? RUBBING SALT INTO THE FUCKING WOUND WHAT#YOURE TELLING ME THEY ORIGINALLY BROKE APART THE QUIET AUTISTIC COUPLE FOR A MAN#LIKE AT LEAST NOW IT FEELS LIKE A SEXUALITY DISCOVER WDYM THEY WERE GONNA GROW APART REGARDLESS THE HELL HAPPENED IN THE BOOKS#MAN#AT LEAST ITS GAY NOW IG THEY BROKE IT APART FOR YURI THIS TIME NOT. SOME MAN.#i am so sorry for ever complaining about the fact that Francesca was the one into the cousin and not Eloise#i just didnt want to choose between the gay love and the quiet autism love and wanted both to happen#BUT TO HEAR THEY TOOK THAT AWAY BECAUSE OF A. ANOTHER STRAIGHT SHIP.?#bro its like everything i hated about this decision in s3 but without the positives of the power of queerness#at least i assume the quiet autistic couple is gonna get torn because i am working on putting together tumblr posts#like im trying to build an entire ass dinasour diaciver using digged up bones#idc how endearing he was STERLING AND FRANCESCA WERE NEVER MEANT TO LAST?#at least theres yuri now (<-copium)#i love me a good yuri (<- but where can i find a quiet autism x quiet autism couple i need more please)#CMON THOUGH THIS IS ONLY PROVING LADY BRIDGERTON RIGHT IN THAT WHOLE LOVE HAS TO BE MESSY AND DRAMATIC THING#LIKE THAT SPEECH AVOUT LOVE CAN BE SLOW GENTLE AND QUIET AND STILL HAVE THAG BE TRUE LOVE#THAT PEOPLE CAN BE IN THE SLOW GENTLE AND QUIET AND HAVE THAG LOVE STILL BE REAL AND TRUE#how no one not one of you have to feel the need to be extroverted just to be valid of true love of acceptance of understanding and having#that understanding be RIGHT like pairing francesca up with what seems like an extrovert#or at least someone who Socializes and seemingly shines in it seems to undermine all that#LIKE THE THEMESSSSS#IDK IDK THE BOOK PLOT MAYBE THE THEMES ARENT TRAMPLED OVER MAYBE#I JUST#TELL ME#TELL ME IT ENDS WELL#doctor i know the reading comprehension in this site sucks so please note i am a yuri lover i love yuri scroll down my blog and you will see#i fell asleep near three am yesterday in a yuri frenzelled haze just stalk me <3
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