#idk why I’m so hard on myself
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~ made another magic au Kirby drawing this is mostly about Sword and Blade :D🌊💎🔥I also wanted to draw the GSA members again xD🌟like the GSA members, Sword and Blade have magic too but they receive theirs at a certain temples of some sorts while the GSA members learnt theirs on their own ^^
💫Sword Knight has water magic and can create magic water wings like Sir Dragato’s. Unlike Dragato, Sword can turn himself invisible with his water magic while Dragato can’t. He’s more calm than Blade Knight and takes stuff more seriously than him, he’s the one who avoids getting himself into trouble.
🌟Blade Knight has fire magic and create fiery wings just like Sir Falspar’s. His hair can sometime change color depending on his feelings. Blade is a bit sassy he can tease Sword for absolutely no reason it’s funny xD sometimes he gets himself into trouble. He and Mace Knight sometimes even hoard hide food in the battleship Halberd all for themselves and this makes Captain Vul mad xD
#my art#sydney’s art#kirby#kirby fanart#meta knight#digital art#artists on tumblr#art#sir arthur kirby#sir nonsurat#sir dragato#sir falspar#sword knight#blade knight#hoshii no kaabii#kirby kirby kirby#kirby right back at ya#krbay#i try headcanon arts and that makes me happy but I don’t feel happy I feel like my art is a mistake and shouldn’t exist#idk why I’m so hard on myself#i don’t think i’m okay#i try to make myself happy I can’t my art is always a flop maybe my art style is the problem
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friend wanted to see my tumblr, and when i told him i can’t show it to him bc it’s basically my personal diary he went “oh so I can’t see it but a bunch of strangers on tumblr can??” he literally does not get me. no one will get me like the people in my phone get me
#It’s just so different#even though it’s public it still feels secret and safe. i feel comfy sharing a lot more on here than I do in my actual day to day life lol#in my head I’m also just speaking to myself 90% of the time which helps#if a friend off tumblr saw my thoughts I’d feel so weird ab it#esp bc they might get the vagueposting about certain situations and tell mutual friends#no thank u. this is for me. I’m not about to start censoring my thoughts bc someone I know knows my tumblr#u guys literally saw me have LIVE BREAKDOWNS#meanwhile I’ll have the worst fucking day in history and tell no one about it. I’m already cripplingly private but way more so in real life#this is basically a low stress journaling outlet for me. it’s so important for me to maintain the separation#like this is actually my diary & has been so handy for letting out emotions / articulating thoughts / staying on track !!#& I’ve met so many kind people on here who actually get me. which is so hard to find irl bc I’m surrounded by pre-med gunners/overachievers#who are by standard not very good w emotion & can be competitive/judgmental. or at least it’s hard for me to be vulnerable in front of them#and I’m part of that crowd so I reserve my emotions only to a handful of very close friends#it’s nice to hop on here and express negative emotions!! or positive emotions!! just whatever I want and it’s low stress and people get me#I don’t have to worry about judgment or competitiveness etc etc#like everyone on here is so kind & nice & understanding. & just a breath of fresh air from the types I run w. it’s just nice to have this#so idk that’s why I think I’ll always be strict about keeping the worlds separate. it just works#p
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tough pill i have to swallow is realizing that “getting better” doesn’t mean “getting to do more things,” getting better for me means taking better initiative in protecting myself. and THAT means making sure i do LESS things
#sounds kinda obvious but i only just realized it lmao#feels like i have to grieve a lot of my goals now but no one said the healing process would be easy#danbles#and for anyone else that has a disability that prevents them from doing smth#or trauma that makes certain triggers limit their opportunities#or neurotypes that make it harder for them to love smth like they used to#or whatever else#i don’t want to make it sound like you have to give up on the things that make you happy#I’M certainly not going to#but a huge value of mine has always been experiencing everything life had to offer#and everytime that backfires (whether it’s burnout; triggering a flashback; triggering an episode; putting strain on my body; etc)#i always just thought to myself ‘it was bad timing’ or ‘i haven’t gotten better yet’ bc the endgoal was to always get to that point where#i could experience it. i want to try new things all the time. i want to feel normal and be included in everything#but if smth keeps Making Me Feel Bad then maybe there isn’t a version of myself that can take it on#it’s not resilience to put yourself in harm’s way#idk how well i’ll be able to put this into practice tbh. i rly rly like exploring different experiences#even negative ones are valuable to me#but the least i can do for myself is recognize that i might not always be the problem#maybe i’ve already hit the limit on all the self-work i can do. maybe it’s the environment or situation itself that’s the problem#fuuck guys i feel like i’m going thru a stage of grief here why is this shit so hard 💀
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Nami WIP + some chibi doodles heheeee
#chia draws#one piece#nami one piece#cat burglar nami#Nami#i love women#this piece is kicking my ass tho#like I’m trying to find my style but it’s all#confusing#like what do I want to achieve with my drawings? what do I want to focus on?#in other news I am now cooking as a way to procrastinate#thank you dunmeshi and the bear#I made bread and fresh pasta and carbonara and lemon curd#I love cooking man#idk why but my butter cookies always end up too hard#I’m gonna make some tangerine dishes so I can pretend I’m cooking for Nami#that way I trick myself into self care#anywayyyys#I love Nami so muchhhh#and idk how people have such cute tumblr layouts I don’t really get httml#I’m a STEM girlie but coding? not my forte#lately I’ve been thinking about one piece from a biotech standpoint#like tf do you mean nobody knows what DNA is besides judge and Vegapunk#they know some diseases are congenital but don’t know about DNA#huuuuuhhhh?#anyways I’m writing a fic about an OC funding a science journal in OP#it’s a lot of fun#art wip#unfinished
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it kind of baffles me how little sympathy eurylochus gets :( everyone is so mean to him…
#idk i could on and on for hours about him#and maybe it’s just the spaces i find myself in within the fandom#why is he reduced to his mistakes and not his every attempt of redemption?#why is he reduced to a choice made at his breaking point?#i think. i’m going to get my period soon becuase im crying over eurylochus#he’s my babygirl#and he tried so hard to do the right thing#and he trusted odysseus until he died. the deep trust that survives the lowest points of your friendship#the trust that kept him coming back to odysseus. until he died.#he looked odysseus in the eyes as he was sentenced to death and still loved him#he doesn’t argue#or plead#he states the facts he confirms that odysseus understands#they’re in love they’re in love#doesn’t matter what kind#platonic or romantic or whatever#eurylochus loved him waaaah <- words of a delusional man
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I’m gonna be out most of the day bc I’ll be helping my dad with a big shopping trip plus being out after, so I’m going to be super duper exhausted
I don’t do well in crowded or loud places in the slightest, I get woozy and tired and I feel miserable or like I’m gonna pass out, and if the shopping isn’t gonna make me wanna cry, the outing after will bc it’s gonna be packed with lots of noise and people
I don’t say this because I want to complain, I just wanna give a super quick warning that I might not be active tomorrow as well as today bc when I get exhausted, my mental health tends to decline as well ;-;
so- a bit of a warning that I may poof a bit (sorry! 😣)
#But yeah :)#hopefully I’ll be able to sleep it off tonight but since school is tomorrow might end up still tired and stressed (ᵕ—ᴗ—)#lol I’m trying not to complain or make a stink about it whilst still being informative—#Edit: uh so I don’t know what’s wrong with me this morning#But it’s already starting to go to crap unfortunately#Hgnhh I wanna talk but I keep telling myself it’s selfish to talk about how I feel#Idk I’m just messed up man#Feel like crap#eating earlier didn’t help it just made me feel worse#I don’t wanna go shopping or to the outing :(#But my dad said he needs help#And I don’t think I have a choice for the outing#And school tmrw :(#I don’t wanna do this I really font#I think I’m breaking down#Yeah I’m breaking down#<- that’s dramatic I’m sorry#Edit 2: if I trigger myself so badly that I have a really quick and strong breakdown will that make me fine for the rest of the day#Bc omg I have things I need to do! I can’t mope around and be dramatic all day!#I hate this! I don’t want it! Literally any other day would have been doable!#I can’t just ask my dad to stay home from the outing either because then that would entail me explaining why I don’t wanna go and I’d cry-#-in front of him and I don’t wanna cry in front of people#I hate this so much#i wish I could just poof into nonexistence#🌾#<- atp it’s a vent#Edit 3: I’m trying really hard ace but petting my dog isn’t working
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Oh my god, just work on your art, Fae. Just work on your fucking art. You have so many things ready to edit and they’re not even that difficult, literally just sit on your ass and work on it. Work on the art, Fae. Do it! Work on the fucking ART! JUUUST!!! DO IT!!!
WORK ON THE FUCKING ART, FAE!
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
#i just#motivation has been kinda low#bc I’ve worked so hard on Fae as a whole but so few people give a fuck#and i see other people’s personas have so much adoration and notoriety#and i just feel like a poser or unwanted#i see myself and Fae in other characters that are kinda rough assholes with soft hearts and I’m like#why don’t others see what i see in me#which sounds extremely conceited but idk#there’s just good in me and humor in me that i wanna share#but lately no one seems to want to hear it besides close friends#which i adore!!!#but i want a little more#is that so bad?#fae deserves a spotlight#i wanna be loved#i want fae to be loved especially#i wanna be a part of meaningless controversies#and have connections in medium places#ugh#rant i guess
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this is a test
#i’m bored i just wanna see how many words i can put in the tags like will it just keep going on forever or will they stop me like i know th#the tag limit is 30 ok so the iindividual tag limit is 140 characters that’s actually so rude i wanted to keep going forever and see how lo#g this could be but i guess we can do this 30 times ok what the flip should i talk about hm i was playing the guitar today but i rage quit#ause the song was hard and hurting my fingers! ermmmmm it was sunny ok this is boring let’s think of more exciting things to type hmmm acco#ding to all known laws of aviation- jk i’m not doing the bee movie script but can you imagine i think that would be funny hmmmmm words i lo#e podcasts so bad that’s a fact no one has ever know before my blog definitely isn’t all about audio dramas the people are definitely not a#ready aware of this jesus christ this is only the seventh one of these this is actually quite a lot of space i underestimated how much i ha#e to type btw there’s probably spelling mistakes in here somewhere or autocorrect has been annoying but i cba to retype anything so i don’t#care lolllllllllllll how do you feel about oscar malevolent i feel a normal amount actually (lie) yk what i really miss sam and colin alrea#y like i’m actually not okay i really hope we hear from sam again in s2 and also colin ngl i hope ur in the computers soz or not dead miss#im like a bastard my paranoid it king ok erm im running out of things to say um heartstopper s3 was crazy good i cried lmao i love gay peop#e so much it’s crazy i hope it gets renewed for s4 i need to reread the comics lowkey and the books they’re all so talented for being so yo#ng it scares me ngl !!!!!! the tmagp hiatus is getting to me slightly like february in reality is soon and not that far away for how podcas#ts go but seriously how am i supposed to live until then without knowing what happened. please colin be alive. ive only just realised i can#use fills stops. sorry that’s made everything a bit messy. i should’ve been doing this before. whoops. anyways. hi mutuals i love you all s#much i hope you enjoy my rambles and shitposts cause i enjoy yours very much! never think you’re being annoying i literally don’t care be a#annoying as you want posts as much as you want i am ur biggest fan <3 im getting a bit fatigued from typing like my mind is blank basically#now it’s just turned into a. stream of consciousness but i don’t really have any thoughts to put here idk if we’re halfway ermmmm omg it’s#lmost halloween how crazy is that time is flying by i kinda forgot it was october lmao. it’s wild how it’s basically almost christmas. like#what. that’s illegal. how is it wintertime again. what the flip. i miss summer already take me backkkkkkk. i hope my phone doesn’t crash or#smth cause i’ve not saved this as a draft and i cba to do any of this again. maybe i should save it. ok i will when i reach the next tag bc#ok it stopped me but i’ve saved it and holy jesus it’s a lot of text im just sat here giggling there’s really no point to any of this other#than me being bored sooooooooooooooooo (imagine if i just did the letter o for every character wouldn’t that be crazy) so wait there’s 140#haracters and 30 tags so what’s 30 x 140. someone hurry. i haven’t done maths lessons in two and a half years i’ve forgotten everything wai#let me get the calculator app ok im back it said 4100 characters so. i dont know how many words that roughly is but its. a decent amount. o#what the flip why am i wasting tag space with maths. i hate maths. my screen time has been actually soooooooooo bad recently like damn some#one put my phone in a block of ice please joshua gillespie style. my mind is running out of things to say. do i talk about myself. im james#im 18 which is weird cause wdym im an adult go away. ive run out of facts. i love podcasts and procedural dramas that stupid firefighter sh#w is my life unfortunately. i think chappell roan should be the queen of england instead of king charles. i dont like having a king cause#ho needs men in power not me. ok um this is the last tag equal rights for all. yolo. the time will pass anyways! thank u boredom ok bye gn:
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Would you (could you) grant us the honor and privilege of a pic of your wondrously angelic smile?
#the urge to post an old selfie is so strong#but have 2 that I took today#that I somewhat like#idk why but lately it’s been so hard to take selfies/pics of myself#buuuut I showered and I put my hair in cute lil braids#and I’m all comfy cozyyyy#so wanted to show you guys 😌#ask#thanks for the ask lovely 🥰#me#rosicheeks#also I forgot to say…. wondrously angelic smile???!#you are WAY too sweet to me 🥺💖
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i lost the post but i saw someone talking about how some of y’all act like being weird is a choice and like. YEAHHHHHHH.
that’s fine, it might be for you. but i just live like this and don’t know any other way. like yeah i’ve worked customer service, i can do innocuous small talk, but anything beyond that, i don’t understand what i’m missing. and it’s frustrating to see the tonal disconnect especially from people who are like “uwu embrace weirdness!!” where they’re like. dressing quirky and talking about bugs and listening to obscure music and eschewing small talk to ask Deep Questions on the first date and unlearning their tendency to not infodump. and generally have an idea of what Weirdness is supposed to look like. idk man some of us wake up and get out of bed and can’t figure out why the rest of their coworkers chitchat with each other but when they join the conversation it dies.
weirdness is value neutral. let’s stop trying to turn it into a badge because quite frankly, it’s not a choice for everyone. it’s fucking exhausting to never be on the same wavelength as other people and they’re going to react the way they do and label you the way they will without any conscious actions on your end. it’s difficult to talk about this without feeling like you’ll be dismissed as immature, a teenager whining “no one understands me” but the thing is. sometimes you don’t grow out of feeling alone and different, and there’s no good way to talk about it without feeling like people will think you’re just fishing for pity.
#most of it is stuff i can’t help like!!!#coworkers and i don’t share a lot of interests so i’m always like. yes i’ve heard of that show but haven’t seen it. no idk that band sorry#and they’ll like. talk shit abt other people who share my interests without realizing that i also like those things#so i just have to sit there and take it#i feel like i don’t have a lot in common with my friends even. a few shared interests but very different lives#in my experience the conscious choice has been to try to keep up with what’s popular but it’s just. not interesting to me#i got bored and forgot to finish s2 of stranger things and never picked it back up#even alt subcultures have gone kinda mainstream and i never quite slot in#let’s not even touch the gay culture ‘flags’ that are extremely online and unrelatablr#and the most frustrating thing. every time i try to talk about myself and my interests i feel people shutting down#one person i know. open mouth sighs in exasperation when i open my mouth#i don’t know why you’re making it my problem that we’re different#i know there is supposed to be a niche out there for everyone but some of that feels like#those niches are falling prey to marketability. if you’re too far out of the mainstream. too out of touch. it can’t be helped#a lot of messaging online is like. embrace weirdness but only if it’s subversive in a very specific way#too normal to hang out with self-proclaimed proud weirdos. too weird to hang out with normies#like i thought the thing was to disavow performativity. i’m sorry i don’t find the same things interesting#i don’t care about the office and you don’t care about the hundred years’ war. that’s fine. why is that seen as a personal fault of mine#i feel like some of the reaction i get might be bc it comes across as hipster shit. idk#i’m literally just oblivious and looking for any kind of indicator for social interaction#but so often it feels like the onus of finding common ground is on me. i have to listen abt things idk but no one cares what i have to say#i think what makes it more frustrating is this reaction from people who claim to not care. do their own thing#and then get annoyed when i do mine and it’s. different#instead of being like ‘fuck the mainstream! conformity is bullshit! be yourself!’ it’s like#‘fuck the mainstream because it doesn’t appeal to me personally and i’ve made my own club!’#and this is not going to come out right because i’m just at my limit and venting and don’t know how to say things the right way#so people don’t misunderstand me#i just happen to never like the Right Things and know the Right Things and act the Right Way and idk how else to say it other than#can we be more normal about weird people#idk it’s hard to talk abt this without sounding like i’m just complaining but i’m more bewildered and trying to state things as i see them
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🫠
#like ok I know I’m being self centered and borderline self obsessive and narcissistic for taking so much time to dwell on this but#what is it about ME that makes people so crazy like I know of other accts w more followers than I have and afaik theirs aren’t as rab#*rabid as mine are lmfaooooooo#like I know that so many of you are so incredibly kind and so lovely and honestly that’s why I’m still here#but there is just a very tiny but extremely loud minority who are vicious and fucking relentless#I won’t go into detail but yeah it even bleeds into my life irl and them making a point to intimidate me#in the real physical 3D world not online like my daily actual life#and I just don’t know what it is like idk why idk what it is that I do or have done#(not to be problématique but) it’s not even like I post thirst traps or pics of myself at ALL#IIRC I haven’t for like over 4 yrs now lmao. it’s not an issue of me intentionally drawing attn it’s just me Existing on here???#idk I just am so upset by it if I think too hard about it. idk.
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#idk i’m quite anxious i should sleep more and see how i feel#why is that always so hard#it’s like i’m sleep deprivation torturing myself i’m my own worst enemy
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Okay so, I went ahead and bought an iPad to try digital art for the first time, and my first attempt was shit. I went too far outside my comfort zone and fucked it up BUT!!! I am happy to report I've finished my first official piece! Not sure if any of you have seen those racing au wolfstar/jegulus TikTok’s, but I was inspired to give it a go and did Remus as a street racer (I was only thinking about Ronan lynch the entire time)
For the love of GOD do not look at his helmet or clothes
#help digital art is so hard#in watercolor you just make shit blurry and cover the details in abstract paint drops😭😭😭#idk wtf I’m doing at alllll#anyways here’s my boy#!#Remus lupin the man that you are#I’m also in the midst of reading TCOPTP and it’s soooo fucking good!! why did no one tell me#it’s like that meme that’s like so was anyone going to tell me that TCOPTP is on par with atyd and one of the best long marauders fits ever#or was I just supposed to overcome my fear of the word count and figure it out myself#no but fr I’m enjoying it so fucking much it’s so good I want to kiss it#remus lupin#marauders#remus lupin fanart#wolfstar#marauders fanart#artfolio#my rat
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I feel such joy to know ppl & hear them share things with me. Looooove having friends and picking their brains, I really should do it more often than I do now tbh
#I do think I need to get back on trying to keep up with all my friends#like there are areas of my life I wish I’d put more effort into bc I want to keep cultivating my dnd friendships#bc those are so so so so special to me and I really should do more to like grow those friendships#bc any relationship takes time and love and tending and I do that but I’d like to do more#but there’s a lot of areas in my life I wish I’d improve#I’m getting there tho I don’t wish to come as mean to myself rn#bc I feel very good I just got done playing dnd and that’s always such a fun time#I love seeing my friends it really boosts my will to live and makes me feel like a person again#idk we are going through it and I know why but also I don’t know why and idk how to explain#we’ll see if I can do something in therapy but also I need this insurance shit to get mailed to me so I can stop#stressing about everything#life is so hard I’m so proud of every person on this planet except for the billionaires and shit#bc we are all out here in the trenches in wjatever form that takes and Christ it aucks#but I can still take your hand or message u online and we can have a little laugh
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one of the worst feelings ever is wanting to write but your hands hurt too much or the words just don’t want to work so you just sit there staring at a half finished doc with tears in your eyes bc you want to write and you need to write but everything is telling you that you can’t
#and that you’re a terrible writer and that no one cares aaaaaaand imposter syndrome kicks in and you just feel like crap#bc all your friends have been wriying recejtky so why can’t you??? cause they’re bETTER THAN YOU#lol idk why my head is so bad today#the feelings of inferiority and emptiness and idk worthlessness are strong and i hate it but i can’t stop it#i just wanna write!!! and like what i write!!!#but i Can’t and i haven’t liked anything i’ve written in Months and ugh i hate not being able to d something i wanna do#oh and now i’m crying??? why the frick am i cRYING litetally why is typing this making me Worse#sorry guys needed to rant#the inadequacy was strong today#something something students keep telling me how much they dislike me or how i’m whiny for asking them to be respectful and like#i Know i shouldn’t compare myself to my friends but gosh it’s hard when they’re all like. so much better than me.#and i don’t have a lot of time to be on tumblr bc of work so i just feel like i’m watching everything from afar and it’s no one’s fault but#my brain’s like no one is Doing anything it’s just my brain being dumb and i can’t stand it and I want to stop feeling empty and like i’m#missing a part of myself and like the words i write don’t matter gOD why can’t i just feel happy with where i am and not care what the kids#who hate me say or realize that no one cares that i’m not on much like i’m still Here and trying to interact it’s not like everyone hates me#for being busy or for liking side characters more than the main characters and just—#sorry#that felt good actually#idk what came over me#imma just. imma shower. then maybe delete my tags#sorry if anyone got this far aT ALL grace is either asleep or trying to sleep so i don’t wanna bother them since they slept poorly last nigh#okay done now for real sorry delete tags later sorry if you saw this and how freaking messed up ky freaking brain is
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can my history teacher please shut the fuck up i get it’s a college class!! i get that! you don’t need to keep telling me i’m gonna fail!!
#the same thing happened when i took ap world except that teacher ended up actually being really good#this guy just won’t shut up about how i’m gonna be ‘put on academic probation no matter what college i attend’#like okay? your class is only relevant if i’m gonna stay in new york#idk i think that’s how these credits work#i’m so gonna end up nkt okay this year jus preparing y’all now#we got two college history college spanish college physics and the rest of my core claaaes are all honors#and i’m taking two art classes and choir every other day because that’s the only way that fit in my schedule#with no lunch or study hall save for every other day for the latter#and if i do get to eat it’s gonna be at 7 in the morning every other day#yippee!!#i did this to myself i have no right to be bitching#idk i’m not gonna take the deep dive into why i did this to myself#least ill have enough creds to graduate lmfao#also science counts as an elective for me since in ny you only need 3 science creds to graduate and i have all 3#idk why i’m doing this#the outsiders will be my reward#for getting through a month and a half of this shit#i have no right to be complaining that isn’t that hard of a schedule#anyway!#alaska’s bitching#it just bugs me when he says i’m gonna be out on academic probation like yes colleges will see i got a b in college history in my junior#<year and crucify me on campus#totally logical#regents
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