#idk it all just really fucking sucks. this year hasn't been good for me

[skitskatdacat63]

I was gonna post something about dreading how shit this week is going to be. But then I realized it's probably going to be shit until late January, so. Please pray for my blood pressure and health 😭

[permanentreverie]

Would like to respectfully throw my uterus into the sun

[theoxenfree]

i'm feeling pretty good rn after a quiet workout at the hospital gym and running two miles, so just talking about realizations since confronting my brother last month. y'all are free to interact, would encourage it tbh. dl:

after I went absolutely nuclear on my brother and basically threatened to ruin his life and everyone else in my entire family's lives (go big or go home to get ppl out of your life, mate 🤝🏻), I didn't really feel much of anything.

not relief. not happiness. not sadness. a little guilt bc that's just me as a person. but, I did receive clarity from the entire ordeal (and also quickly learning that man clamped his jaws tight and hasn't said a daaaaamn word about it to anyone else in the family)

and that's since my armor and all of the defense and excuses I've built up over 25+ years were stripped away, I've really had to confront some of the uglier aspects of myself

I'm not a very good friend irl insofar as being present, being available, being emotionally available, and being an active participant bc I don't know how to be. and I never bothered to try

I'm tremendously self-centered, but that, I fear, probably won't change much since I'm not willing to change any aspect of my life to accommodate someone else (e.g. a partner, marriage, kids, having roommates again)

I've never been particularly willing to work hard or deal with difficult things for long. this is complex bc I won't bash myself by saying that I don't work hard and I haven't had to claw my fucking way out of hell and struggle through endless obstacles to get to where I am now

but,

I haven't wanted to work hard to just... be better. overall. as a person. as a friend. for myself. for my health. for my future

because it's hard. and I'm tired. and I'd rather lie in bed and do the hard things later. but, the problem is that later never comes. an ideal scenario never presents itself and it never will

and, I think, I've started to have a breakthrough and genuine understanding of that

because I want to start working harder. not, like, at my job. but, I want to go back to school even though juggling a full-time job with full-time work is going to be hell

I want to take better care of myself because I'm tired of being expected that I'm just going to deteriorate and crumble now that I'm in my 30s. and, like, guys, working out sucks but you feel SO good afterwards.

like, I skipped back to my car earlier. cmon.

I'm having a harder time accepting that I'm not... the best person out there. that I've probably, always been a bit of a shitty friend and daughter without really realizing it bc I hid behind the guise of "I'm not bothering anyone"

isolating and withdrawing do harm to the people you care about as much as it does yourselves.

and, I don't know. I don't know what I need to do there to be a better person. I do things on a community level. personal level is different tho

anyway, writing is included in that, but now I need to decide just where the importance of it stands next to everything else, y'know?

I feel like I'm meant to keep writing. idk if it's just bc writing is a security blanket for me bc it's the only thing I know how to do well, or if it's my calling—but I think I'm meant to keep going

I just don't know to what capacity, y'know?

I also need to decide how much it matters to me in the end to stay consistent with it instead of "just writing when I feel like it".

I need to build discipline as well as have the patience with myself to keep trying even if I fumble. it's the same process I'm facing with getting into working out again

anyway

there isn't a point to this, I'm just word vomiting bc I don't have any irl outlets. so, yeah

tonight is good. it's good.

[tenthcrowley]

BINDER

Bucky Barnes x Trans!Reader (he/they)

Request: None.

Fandom: MCU.

Genre: Little angst but fluff at the end.

Words: 1370

Summary: You haven't been feeling great lately, you haven't been feeling any positive at all. After a rough day at work someone finally notice your mood.

TW: Faking happiness, intense crying (just the noise of throwing things and groans), old binder not binding enough now, reader's looks like a MESS, and just fluff? idk

This was just awful. Since you woke up you knew the day will suck. You didn't have motivation for anything and you were just sick of feeling like this. You sighed now laying down on the couch of the living room in the Avengers building. You remember the first time you entered hhere, it was like a kid with a bunch of brand new toys. Just that the kid didn't had to fight constantly.

"You okay?" You didn't realize when you had closed your eyes, wow you must be really exhausted. You open them and look up at Steve who had a concerning look in his face.

"Yeah, yeah, just... very tired." You try to smile at him but it's most like a disgusted face. He chuckled. He knows you, he knows you're stubborn and never admit you're dying to have some rest. You remind him of his younger self. Younger in like before he was frozen, but technically he hasn't changed because, again, technically he's still a young man. Never mind, he thinks you look like him when he was trying to join the war, strong, insistent, brave and a little (much) stubborn.

"Go on. Get a shower and sleep. Some rest will do you well."

You roll your eyes as you got up from the couch.

"Yes, dad." He laughs while you're leaving to your room.

You were really good at faking, lying. Everyone would think you're living the best moment of your life while you're internally dying. You're so good to put a fake smile on your face and hide all of your pain. Pain. God, when will you stop feeling pain? When will you feel free, happy.

Steve looked at your way still when you had left. Bucky placed a hand on his shoulder to get him off of his trance.

"You okay?"

Rogers nod. "I am. He's not. They say they're okay but it's just not true. I don't know why he cannot trust me yet." He's sad. Because he really loves you, you're like kind of a little brother to take care of and seeing you this way, seeing you in pain but not telling, faking, hiding it, not trusting him. It hurt his heart a lot. "They will tell you, tho." That's true. (Y/N) is always honest to Bucky. When (Y/N) opens to him, they ask him to remain silence about it. He does. But Steve wasn't born yesterday, he knew they tell each other almost everything. Didn't know what exactly but that's not of his business and he gets it.

"Uh, I can't try." The black haired man left his friend alone in the living and made his way to your room. He wasn't gonna show it, but he was very worried about you. You are really important to him, you take a big place in his heart and viceversa.

Before he can knock, he hears groans and sobs with violently punches to things, not things that can break tho. Bucky sighs and finally knocks, instantly the noise stops.

"It's me."

The door immediately opens and (Y/N)'s hand reaches him to pull him inside the room and closing the door again. When Bucky turns, your eyes are red and swollen from crying, dried tears on your cheeks being replaced by new ones, your hair is all messed up like you just got out of a street fight, but what caught his attention the most was that you were shirtless, scratching your arms without causing any injuries but leaving your skin red and burning, you were in just your binder, in your old and worn binder. Now he knows why you were all shut the entire day, you were having dysphoria the whole fucking day. He understood, being around cisgender men all day could be tough for you, he didn't know you feel, but he understood. Plus you haven't bought a binder in like a year so it's stretched out and old, which means it doesn't tightness like it used to.

No words needed for when he opens his arms and you ran to hug him. He squeezes you and puts his nose on the top of your head. You love that. His hugs are different than the rest. Despite his metal arm, his hugs are comfy and warm, it brings you back to Earth instantly, they make you feel safe and like home. Minutes passed and you just hug. He never let you go making you the one to break the wrap when you feel it's been enough. So he just stays, smelling your hair knowing you just showered and maybe that's another reason why you're like this, since your binder it's not wet you didn't wore it to get showered. Finally you pull out the hug now calmed.

"Do you want to explain it me? If not, that's okay, I understand." He smiles at you, looking directly at your eyes.

You feel your heart warm and you sigh. You've been in the Avengers for like a year now and it's been impossible to not fall for Bucky. You avoided him, all the time! But that bastard always found a way to come back to your life. Until one day you stopped fighting and just gave up to the idea of having him around almost all the time, making you fall really hard. And stuff like this, this situation right now, everytime he comes and calms you down, he gives you a kiss on the forehead, when he hugs you, when you compliments you, stuff like this makes you confuse and it's like playing with your emotions. You know Bucky doesn't realize that so at least you can be obvious about your feelings for him and he will just never know.

"I need a new binder." Being honest? That's the only thing you could say right now. You wanted to explain to him but... you couldn't. It's like if you say how you feel, all the calmness he gave you would fly away like a feather in a rough wind. Simple as that.

"Okay. We can get you one." He smiled again and you felt melting. You adore the way he smiles. He stepped closer and gave you a kiss on your forehead but staying inches from your face.

You looked at him. You wanted to kiss him so bad. So so bad. So you did, excepting that could say all your words can't. For your surprise he responded the kiss with the same sweetness and caring. You both blushed because you understood each other. This kiss speaks more than a million words and you get it. It feels like you both needed it, you both needed to let out all the sentiment you've been keeping and couldn't express. Your hands were at the sides of your body and so his. You didn't want to touch each other, at least not yet. The kiss finally broke and you could look at each other's eyes, another thing you understood.

"So you...?" He said.

"Yes." You answered fast. "You?"

"Yeah." You both giggled and finally looked at each other. You saw his blue eyes that were like a sky in a plenty summer, clear, shining and beautiful. There was love in his eyes you could tell. You smiled for real for the first time in days. You felt happy after so long. You wanted to cry of happiness, not just because Bucky feels the same way about you but because you're finally feeling good, at least for a moment.

"Go on, put a shirt on and we will go out to buy you a new binder." He said giving you a kiss on the forehead and then walking to your bedroom door.

"Really?" You said trying to hide your excitement.

He looked at you and nod smiling before leaving.

You smile got even bigger as you grabbed any t-shirt you liked to put it on then fix your hair to finally come out. You're being happy. Even if Bucky was already there for you before, somehow, now it feels even better, have him by your side like more than a friend it felt different. You felt different. Different good.

[sol-draws-sometimes]

Okay I know WTNV is haha absurdism humor but it is still a dystopian and it still comes up. Anyway, every time Cecil calls himself a good journalist I shrivel up and die cause he’s NOT objective(not that 100% neutral bias is possible and if anyone claims that, they’re wrong, but also Cecil is far from “objective” in a professional journalistic standpoint if you get me), and Cecil has very much drunken the Kool-Aid. I’d need to relisten to the early ep where he almost gets attacked by the secret police since it’s been over a year since I’ve listened to that ep, but besides that, I can't think of many instances where he hasn't been pro-screte police. There have been a handful of times where I thought he was being discrete, but I'm not so sure now, tho I AM NOT the best a picking up sarcasm so I could be off. Anyway, tell me why now this man is all of a sudden okay with questioning the gov when he wants to see his boyfriend. CECIL! MY DUDE! MY BROOO! PLEASE YOU'RE SO CLOSE! Not that is OOC, or bad writing or anything, but like, CECILLLL PLEASE!

I understand that you don't question certain things around you until it affects you personally, but also that really fucking sucks man. Also, yah yah, Strex Corp probably made him more open to questioning the structural powers around him, and during the Strex Corp Liveshow, he does actively call Night Vale a terrible town, so he, I hope he understands they're not the best, but also according to Steve, Cecil hates him cause Steve speaks out about the shitty government.

anyway, I'm on ep 66 at timestamp 13:21 on apple podcast, so I need to finish but I just had to get this out. I don't know, I get a real cognitive dissonance when listening to this show that I quite can't put into words. I will say, Cecil has become a more fleshed out character, like, I notice that they've been giving him more emotion??? Idk if that makes sense. Like, ever since Strex Corp, I think he's shown more sides to himself. Fascinating character to think about. He’s endlessly so charming and frustrating at the same time.

[penroseparticle]

Penrose Song Of The Day Day 40: Hell of a Year by William Bolton

Happy Birthday, Me.

Whew. We are all kind of going through it aren't we? I don't think anyone has had an idyllic, easy year this year. Or any year. More and more I'm realizing that all we can be is kind, because, good or ill, better or worse, we keep being in situations and they keep going to shit. So like. Shouldn't I do what I can to make things a little less bad? Even if that kindness isn't deserved?

One story that really stuck with me posted on here was the story about volunteering at a soup kitchen. I'll see if I can track the post down. But they had to keep cleaning the bathroom because it kept getting trashed. An important lesson was learned by the OP of the post- The homeless people who went to that soup kitchen had precious little they could control. The bathroom was being trashed because it was one of the few places in their life where they could exert their will- even if it made things worse for everyone, even themselves. In distress, you will cause damage. But the thing I learned is that. I don't know. Would being mean to them help? Would I not clean the bathroom after a certain point? They made the mess, they "deserve it" right?

And obviously not. It wouldn't make volunteering for them more pleasant, it wouldn't make their situation different, and it likely wouldn't even feel good. The only thing that helps is the slow, arduous, unlikeable truth that the way to make things better is to help, and do right, and work with someone going through it, even if they are not fun to be around. It might not be "just", but it might just be the thing that works.

Flipwise and reversed though, I have issues with foresight- I do not think things through and I don't always get my just desserts for that. I think I am afforded a lot of latitude and grace for meaning well, which is great if a bit guilt inducing. But that's kind of what I believe everyone deserves, right? Aren't I part of everyone? Shouldn't people be kind to me too? If I think everyone deserves kindness, even when they're not "deserving", I'm part of everyone. I'm a person. I get that same grace.

And isn't grace always unearned? "Deserving is fake" and well, kind of in some of the most important ways it is. Maybe someone "deserves" the bad things coming to them, but in the ways I care about, the ways I'm trying to be, I can't let that be the end. That's not how the story is going to go, not when I'm writing it. And I am writing the story of my own life. Joint authorship with the world, but I'm first author. Pick up the pen!

I often have to remind myself that feeling guilty is a start, not a state, and that I am thankful and grateful I get to fuck it up all over again. It sucks. I have an overdeveloped sense of guilt, in that I think. And I need to pay it forward and walk the walk. Be kind if nothing else.

So instead let's look back at all the shit that's gone down and say WOW! That was wack, huh. And maybe steer next year a little differently this time. Every day is a new day, a new iteration of what I am. Who I am. So I'm gonna try and be a little kinder. Be the change. Gandhi that shit. idk.

This is me telling you to let it go, by the way. Guilt is cancerous, it only grows, and it weighs you down. Let's give ourselves that little bit of grace too, if we can.

Anyways, it's been a hell of a year, hasn't it? Back on track, I found this song years ago. A little bit of a chill, easy pop song. Some cutesy ornamentation, a simple drum loop, and a smooth delivery. I have my good friend Al to thank for this (The Algorithm), he gifted me this song on my Recommended for You playlist on spotify. I like it. It was a nice gift.

It's a little melancholy but it's not all doom and gloom. It's sort of quietly hopeful? Some bad things happened, yeah, it's also a bit of a triumph- he conquered his fears! He traveled the world! The time is now, make some memories! Live your life. Incremental progress.

There's been some bad things, and some good things, but it's your life baby. You gotta live it. I still haven't made it but I'm not that far. What a year.

See you next one.

And hey, as always. You could be dead right now. Go listen to something you love.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

hey sex witch, so i really like the idea of having sex but the very few times i ever got close to actually having it, i panicked. like couldn’t even do it. and i really, REALLY want to lose my virginity (i’ll be 26 this year ffs) but as much as i like masturbating and fantasizing about sex, the reality of it scares the shit outta me.

i should also tell you i’m a bisexual cis woman who has some SERIOUS body image and self-esteem issues. i’m what one could consider fat and i believe in fat liberation but at the same time as many fat activists i follow on insta or whatever i can’t help but feel disgusting about my weight. and whenever someone is explicitly sexually attracted to me i can’t help but wonder if i’m their fetish.

i also have a best friend who is really sweet and supportive of me but when i hear her stories about having sex on prom night and having multiple orgasms with her girlfriend i can’t help but feel inadequate. why didn’t i have sex on prom night, you know? why am i missing out on all of this??

hell, it’s not even just that i’m a virgin- i’ve never even been kissed!!! and i’m going to stop soon because i’m just making myself upset but like…wtf happened??? shouldn’t i have gotten my first kiss in middle school and had sex in high school or college like everyone else??? i know i’m overthinking it but at this point it’s hard not to…

idk this is a lot to put on you so if you don’t even want to answer this i understand. i don’t want to make you uncomfortable. thank you anyway!

hi anon,

so the thing is that I need you, pretty immediately, to stop comparing yourself to other people. it very well may help with your self-image issues, but my concern is first and foremost that it will help deal with this massive inferiority complex you're rocking in regards to sexual experience.

you seem to be under the impression that it's abnormal to be a 26 year old who hasn't had sex or kissed anyone, and I guess I'm wondering why the fuck that matters when it sounds like sex is an extremely scary prospect for you. like idk babe, let's maybe focus on getting to a point where having sex doesn't make you panic before we worry about actually doing it, you know? at the moment, it sounds like sex would just be setting you up for a boatload of trauma.

having said that I guess I'd say that I can't tell you why you've missed out on all of this because, by your own description, you've panicked and been unable to go through with it any time you've gotten to close to having sex. that's probably, sincerely, a good thing; I'm not sure if you're under the impression that just sucking it up and forcing yourself to have sex would have improved your relationship with your sexuality, but I've found generally that's not the case.

(more often, it ends with people struggling to figure out how to regain literally any sense of ownership over their sexuality.)

so idk, let's do some self-reflection here. it sounds like you've opted out any time sex has been an option. why was that? were the partners unsuitable? was the situation not right? or was the idea of sex in and of itself just unbearable? in your mind, what would the ideal sexual encounter actually look like? is there one?

I'm deeply sorry if this sounds unsympathetic, but here's the thing: when someone tells me sex scares the shit out of them, I don't want that person to be having sex! there's no reason to put yourself through that kind of stress! what the fuck!

look: sexual development doesn't happen on any kind of age-related timeline. partnered sex is a thing that should happen when it's something you feel excited for, when you have someone that you like and trust to partner with. if those conditions haven't been met, there's no reason to be having sex. focus on literally anything that is in your control, like finding the things that help you feel more at ease with your body. you know the saying about how no one can love you until you love yourself? often misinterpreted and/or grossly oversimplified, but it seems dubious that you're going to want to actually let anyone have sex with you until your body isn't something you find disgusting, so it does apply.

[fantasticcloudcreation]

I'm just rambling, trying to kill time until bossman says I can leave lol

It's almost 8, I only have to be here for another 2-3 hours, I haven't had to do a single iota of work and I'm getting a full day's pay just for being here which is so silly but I think I can hold out. I'm in my hammock and it's fine. I've been smoking too many cigs and drinking too much water, I have to pee again but it's such a pain climbing out from under this silly stage so I'm trying to wait as long as possible. The pyro makes me jump every time it goes off.

I have a margarita waiting for me in the hotel fridge, I think we're out of weed but maybe I can scrounge up a bowl or something from the leftovers.

Yesterday was a really good skinny day, laying around the hotel naked with L feeling the best I've felt about my body in a long time despite eating way too much the past couple days.

Less than a week til we leave here, I'll miss hanging out with him but I'm so ready for this gig to be over. Not sure if I'm gonna go to the next one based on how this one has gone but it's also hard to turn down work, we'll see how it goes.

I'm just tired of existing. Bad moods don't last forever, stop clinging to it, just be here with L and enjoy his presence bc I know I'll miss him after this. Not really sure how this relationship is gonna unfold in the future but it's been nice being here with him. I feel bad for being in a bad mood so many days in a row but he's been really sweet about it.

Grateful that I can just lay in my hammock right now but frustrated and bored of this gig.

How to get over a bad mood? Gratitude normally helps. Grateful for this stupid job and all its ups and downs. I've barely done any work since I've been here and I'm gonna walk away with like $2+ at the end of it. 14,3 in the bank rn but I still have to pay my credit card. Grateful for L and his sweet presence and all our little moments together.

Bad feelings are creeping in: not good enough, not interesting or pleasant to be around, what's the point of me being here, no one would notice or care if I disappeared... Not good enough, not good at anything, not good enough to be working here, not good enough to have friends, not good enough to interact with people in general. Just a black hole of toxic energy.

How to overcome the bad feelings? Idk. I don't even feel like it right now, I feel like wallowing in my negative energy.

Realistically nothing matters and I just have to make it thru this gig. Go visit family after this, hug my parents. Maybe tomorrow will have a magically better mood. Maybe I'll just blow up my life again and start over. Maybe it never really gets better. Maybe it's really not that bad. Nothing fucking matters.

Maybe I'll go walk up and down the stairs at catering just to get some cardio or something. Maybe I'll do some calisthenics with the scaff under the stage. Maybe I'll just sit here and zone out for the next 2 hours.

Margaritas waiting for me at the hotel. L will sit outside with me all night and hold me if I ask him to. I was thinking I needed to sleep alone tonight but I just want to be held. I'm such a weak bitch. I feel like I'm not even good enough for him even though he's the sweetest most reassuring man I've ever met. I just feel like these bad moods get in the way of everything I want in life.

Peace love joy beauty freedom. Even though this hasn't been the best gig, the next one might be better. This gig sucked last year too and I thought about quitting the industry and here we are again! Maybe I'll skip this one next year and get a seasonal spot at a ski resort. (I said that last year.) No expectations, I'm just here, everything is fine. Load out will be quick and easy and I can get through it.

I'm literally just sitting here watching the minutes pass until I can get out of here. But you know what? People are having fun out there and I'm glad for them. The stage looks amazing even though I can't bring myself to stand out there and watch it lol.

This DJ is playing a remix of a song but someone earlier in the day also played a remix of this same song on this same stage and I think that's hilarious (unless it was this guys soundcheck that I heard earlier?idek)

Sorry for being such a whiny bitch rn. I'm calming down. I got real dark earlier and now I'm just surrendering to the feelings and it's less intense. I can just sit here and do nothing and get paid for it. This isn't my vibe here and I don't have to force myself to have fun if I don't want to. Going forward, I should seek out more opportunities that match my vibe + skills, but it's fine. One step at a time. The journey continues. This is just like, a swampy part of the trail, it's real muddy and mushy, but the trail will continue and there will be more pleasant scenic spots along the way. More mud, too, it's inevitable, it's all part of the journey, just try to enjoy the ride. I'm fine. I'm going to survive. I'm allowed to have bad moods. This gig is cursed and everyone is having their own reaction to it. Next year I'll skip it and I'll diversify my work opportunities so I can do something that actually feels fulfilling.

My phone is down to 46% and it's 8:40 so I'm gonna go pee and try to relax and it's all gonna be ok, we're almost done here, I can do it. No one cares if I'm in a bad mood just stop being so toxic about it. Relax and let people love you. L is gonna hug me so good later and I'm gonna let him. Everything is fine.

[justsomeoneunordinary]

i am getting so tired by all these "oh no poor boys and men" posts i am seeing on my dash - far more about men's issues and oh how much they suffer than i see about women nowadays and that's just sooo....

full fucking offense but women worldwide still earn less than their male co-workers do for the exact same job. in some places it's better than others but it's still a universal problem

women still have to work more to climb the career ladder and get a leader job than their male co-workers do. in some places it's better than others but it's still a universal problem

there are still, now in 2kfucking24, two countries left where women still can't vote

women and girls, especially immigrants, are the majority victims of sex trafficking!!! this is still happening!!!!! sex trafficking hasn't stopped!!!

every. single. woman i know - every single one!!! - has been sexually harassed by a man at least once! it even happened to me and i never thought it'd happen to bc i am someone considered rather unattractive - have even been said so, directly to my face, by men, which is a form of harassment in itself - and i have never heard of a woman who hasn't ever been sexually harassed even once. and hey, isn't it fucking nuts that this is something you just have to expect at a certain point as a woman? that this simply WILL happen one day that a man will come up to you and be a fucking creep or even worse???

women are still being told by men what they should and shouldn't wear. now, this year of 2kfucking24 the women's volleyball team was fucking finally allowed to cover their full body at the olympics instead of wearing their tiny bikinis!! and what happened on social media first things first was creeps talking about how disappointed they are now! because they couldn't leer at the ladies anymore!!

but you come on tumblr and people reblog posts about how oppressive it is for men that they can't show their feelings or they will be called weak and unmanly boohoo :( sure, that fucking sucks. i'm sorry you have such terrible friends, dude, and i really hope you find better ones - but that's not fucking misandry, you're not being oppressed for being a man, you're not being oppressed at all!!! this is people being mean to you, this is bullying at most! but misandry?! shut the fuck upppp

some time ago i saw a post abt how women should stop being afraid of going out in the dark and how it's fucked up to think of every man they meet at night outside to be a rapist. and i get that! i do somewhat agree with that! but a neighbor of my friend's had recently been followed in the evening on her way back home by a bunch of guys til her home, calling her a bitch and saying they'll kill her (she didn't even know them) and they even got into the house complex bc some idiot let them in. they only ran away once she called the police. back in my highschool days it not only happened once but twice that a girl from my school was followed home after her afternoon classes and was raped. recently, in my living area, two women were stalked at night and killed shortly before they managed to arrive home. and that's just what happened in my general area!!!! not to mention what happens in so many places all over the world!!!! and yeah, i don't think being afraid of going out at night now is going to do me any good, but i totally get why some women are afraid!!!! idk, maybe men should just stop creeping on women, rape them and/or kill them? so that women would not have to fear going out at night alone anymore? just a random thought but hey maybe i'm just hysterical :)

but no. let us talk abt "misandry" instead and how oppressed these poor guys are for *check's notes* women sometimes being unreasonable assholes to them

enough!!!

[quff]

stuff blew up with my mom yesterday and I may no longer be able to live at my current apartment. it was bound to happen eventually.

our agreement year 1 of apartment: "I'll pay your rent until you graduate in 3 years." (she chose a fucking 1,900$ a month apartment because it's right next to the college. I would of been fine with cheaper and farther away. Nonetheless I'm extremely thankful for her help. She told me it was okay to rely on her since she's my mom and that she loves me.)

In our first year we had more than 3 floods. We couldn't move because of the leasing agreement + mom wouldn't let us.

our agreement year 2 of apartment: "You're not graduating fast enough!!! you should of been out by now!!!" (She'd call to tell me this almost every single day until I had to tell her to call me only on Sunday due to her calling during classes way too often. At some point we're made to pay for electricity and other apartment stuff except the rent. Sucks, but tolerable. I was only still a junior in college and have multiple mental disabilities that make certain subjects more difficult but I was still trucking along. I don't have the ability to drive due to these disabilities btw.)

We had to deal with even more floods this year, on top of bottom-floor apartment tier german cockroaches infesting everything warm and electric. At some point there was a crack found in the tub that flooded into the closet that ruined a lot of our clothes. It took management over 6 months to fix this leak, and all they did was roll some rubber cement over it once they finally showed up.

our agreement year 3 of apartment, I become old enough to not be on my parents insurance anymore so Miranda went from paying only 60 a month to 200 a month on health insurance. I have to take pills for prior health conditions: "since you haven't graduated fast enough–(not my fault because there wasn't a professor available for the classes i needed at a specific time, I ONLY HAVE 6 CLASSES LEFT.)–"We're going to ask for 500 a month. No you may not move to a cheaper apartment. The cheaper apartment you found is in a 'bad neighborhood' and I'm only looking out for you..." (she wouldn't hear us when we offered cheaper places to stay so we'd both get to pay less. She was also in the process of selling her current giant house for a smaller house that she paid to have BUILT for her)

Yesterday when she called while I was at Miranda's moms house, we were struggling even more and Miranda is forced to look for a second job while I also looked for work. I didn't even ask for help, only a sympathetic shoulder to cry on because I didn't know how we're gonna survive this: "How old are you to still need your moms help? How dare you?"

Why the fuck would you offer help in the first place...?

Mom hasn't worked since her 30's. She's been a stay at home type ever since I was 12. She wasn't even good at being a stay at home mom because I learned absolutely nothing from her other than how to have an eating disorder, and that everyone is trying to kill me(they're not, she just used to make me watch 1000 Ways to Die for 'educational reasons').

She found a really rich husband. He died and she inherited all his money. She then found an even richer husband (one that has a brother who has a patent on storage locker doors so he made BIG bank). And now every time she calls she's on another vacation. Vacation from what? idk.

[lostandbackagain]

here's my running list of things I'd like to see in the color of revenge:

roxane being like an actual actual witch. idk if cornelia is still using the word bufana but that's my #1. can sing so beautifully she makes the rocks cry? can make anything grow in her shitty soil? indescribably beautiful? her kids being really really good at everything?? (not to take away from jehan's dedication to his craft but there's no way there's not smth supernatural going on with him) I think I'd prefer dustfinger and the prince knowing (and dustfinger being like "....yeah jehan knows witches bc of roxane lol" leans into this imo) and getting to watch the kids have a crisis over whether they're human or something else, getting pissed at the adults for keeping it from them, but I will also take roxane having kept this a secret from everyone. I will likely cry blood if this doesn't come true at all but it's fine I'm normal and well-adjusted about roxane it's fine!

the bracelet stays. I'm on my knees begging

I think cornelia said she's got a queer in the book?? forming a prayer circle that's it's brianna but I'll take anyone (new or established) as long as they're written well. several queer characters would rock though would love that 4 me

fenoglio dies. badly.

farid and jehan having that adhd and autistic solidarity where they're best friends but also each other's worst nightmare

jehan dealing with a lot of (valid) frustration and jealously wrt farid and dustfinger. I'm almost definitely reading too far into it but the part where he's like "dustfinger promised he won't try to replace my birth father but he totally can bc I don't remember him lmao" is like. he's so glad to have a father again but farid's been out and about for so long that jehan hasn't really seen the extent to which dustfinger can be a father to a kid who isn't his biologically, and it was honestly very ugly watching jehan panic trying to take care of dustfinger during his mental breakdown but the second the prince says farid is fine, dustfinger calms down? like you have another son right there who needs you so badly, douchebag. anyway while this is not the fault of either kid I want jehan to be Pissed.

unwrite the part where it says roxane is pale because No She's Not 💗

DRAGON LORE¡¡¡¡¡¡ the laughing prince was said to have hunted dragons and I've been going crazy for 15 years over the way that was just said in passing?? I don't think living/awake dragons match the mood of this series but FUCK I could see nyame and the witch girl stumbling onto a graveyard or something and she'd get her stereotypical tiefling rant about how humans suck for killing beautiful creatures for their own gain and I would be cheering her on because I'm a whore for dragons

I sorta want dustfinger to have to give up his ability to speak to fire to bring everyone back. it's very fullmetal alchemist-stan of me but my f a v o r i t e type of sacrifice is the surrender of power

I'm already heads over heels in love with nyame but I want to be feral over him the entire time I want to be in his head I want to be in his past and his future and I want to see him brought to his knees and tempted with the power to bring about the change he so desperately craves and i want him to know in his heart and with metaphorical blood pouring from his eyes that replacing one reign of tyranny with another is not the solution he wants but hell does he want it and I want him to have the most beautiful conclusion any character has ever had and still get to make the world a better place on a large scale because he's the only one who consistently cares!! and hes so fucking tired.I love him so fucking much. nyame

would enjoy nettle showing up just to call dustfinger a bitch and leave. want that to be a running gag

loved the discussion about religion coming in and criminalizing reproductive healthcare. I feel like that was not the most appropriate time to have been having that conversation but I want it to stay and contribute to the theme of autonomy and agency that have always been at the heart of the inkworld.

[imagintheworldaway]

Florida

A/N idk with this one, i just could't stop myself.

Warnings: Drugs, memory loss

Requests: Open

Life hasn't been easy. We both got dealt shitty hands, abusive childhoods, absent parents, people only ever caring when the fame and money followed. But that wasn’t for years. We were both broke kids trying to figure it out, only having each other as a comfort blanket. It's so shitty to think about, we were both just kids, two kids who were never given a real chance. That's where it started. At Least that's my theory. What do you expect, kids learn from the adults that raise them, and when the adults are shitty there is no question that the kid will more than likely also turn out to be shitty. Deep down, somewhere in my soul, I knew I had good in me, but what's the point of being good and decent and nice when the world and everyone in it had only thrown it all back in your face? 

I don't really remember the first time I met Frank. I remember we were kids, well teenagers, we ran in similar crowds, and he always had this smile, this cheeky smile which you just couldn’t say no to. And those eyes. Those emerald green eyes, the way the sunset shone in them when we were lying on top of a building, no cares, no one to answer to, just ourselves. Maybe the silence in knowing that we were both doomed was what comforted me. Maybe it was the fact he was tall and handsome, or maybe because he could do things to me that made my knees weak and screams echo through the city. 

When he suggested, well when he told me he was moving to LA there was no doubt I would follow him. There was nothing holding me down, so why not follow a boy to LA and see how it goes. I think that's when everything truly clicked for the first time. Being homeless, couch surfing, working dodgy jobs just to buy liquor and cigarettes was how we got by. That sunset, nothing really beat the LA sunset, the warm hues and bright rays that glistened in his eyes, illuminating his face reassured me that this was all worth it. 

But LA changed us. Like it does everyone else who gets sucked into the black pit which is the city. As we grew we were able to scrape together some pennies for an apartment. That's when the bug changed. My Frankie was now the sexy Nikki Sixx and I gained the nickname of Florida, or Flo. why? Well I was still as carefree as when I had arrived here. I didn't care where, when or what we did, and everyone we met said I was like a ray of sunshine, meaning I was like Florida. I was also majorly sedated most of the time which only added to the birth of the nickname. Nikki said he always saw Florida as the much more chiller younger cousin to LA, he always wanted to go to Florida, maybe it was the child in him that missed out on such a core memory that so many other kids got to have. So I became his Florida.

We had our own funny little rituals to get by. I would pray for snow and Nikki would produce the white powder that sent shivers down my spine but always brought me a great warmth. Our house was an apartment but our home was on the borderline. We would work these stupid jobs, meet our dealer, then climb on the roof. Heads frazzled in white powder but the same comforting silence that we had as tennagers still there, reassuring us that this was right. 

Sometimes Nikki would hold me so close I could swear that I could hear his thoughts. His hand was always squeezing mine, comforting me, knowing we were at the same place. But bliss cant last forever. 

I was happy that Nikki was finally in a band that made sense. Tommy was such a goofball and always knew the right thing to say, Mick was quiet, but we had a silent understanding, we looked after each other and then there was Vince, he was gorgeous, and always knew how to make my heart flutter and my cheeks red. They would practise and write songs as I would cut the lines. I never got involved with their business and they left me to mine. It was good. So fucking good. Until it wasn’t. 

The more popular the boys got the more money i got a hold of and the more lines, spliffs, pills, tabs and alcohol i consumed. I became the girl always at the show, dancing along on the side, supporting her boys. The music used to create colours, streams of vibrant vibrations would cloud my vision as I swayed and moved to the beat. I couldn’t care about the other girls. Why would i? He always came back to me, no matter what. I was the one in the pictures who he had his arm around, i was the one he brought to the parties, i was the only who kept his supply safe. 

It never stopped. I was the new guy everyone went to. You wanted something, you went and talked to Flo to get it. It was like my own dirty little secret that few people were in on. It was never my intent but it was easy. I kept the gear, he kept me satisfied. What I once thought was love I think was deeper. Nikki and I were the same person, and people knew that, you can't find Nikki? He's with Flo. Need some gear? Florida will be in Nikkis' room. A package deal, two of a kind, dare I say soulmates. 

All good things must come to an end. That's what our first dealer had said to us. How did he know that all the way back then? I don't know, I don't care to know. He always did warn us though. He always said how I was stupid for following a boy because I was in love. Love was only an emotion, so why did I care so much about a silly little feeling? Maybe because, as fucked up as whatever this thing we had was, it was the only form of love either of us had ever felt. 

I was a good girl. The perfect girlfriend, anything he could ever want, but i wasn't enough, i would never be enough. Florida was pretty, Florida was fun, but Florida wasn’t without its demons, it's blotches on its happy go lucky outlook on life, I truly was becoming the worst parts of it all. I took a second to think. When was the last time someone had called me by my real name? What even was my real name?  ‘Hold out your hand’ someone said, easily distracting me from my thoughts. Who was that? I was alone, wasn't i? Maybe not. I felt a light pressure on the back of my head, forcing it down. So that my nose met the white powder that had been lazily sprawled across the side of my hand. I took in the sensation of the powder I had felt so many times before. Don't forget to smile Florida, this is as good as it gets. 

[fyodior]

Hi my favorite low-ironed sluts. It's me 🪱 again! did you miss me? probably not. Hotel? trivago. I personally love Fyodor. I wanna hold his cold pretty hands 💕( i also want him to choke me while he fucks me until nothing but his name is in my head). He's so cute! Anyways what time is it? time for more headcanons because what else is better to do on a Wednesday night? (be sucking fyodors dick) idk but I think this is a good use of my time. But wait! there's a catch I'm adding dazai headcanons ( i want to be stuffed with his children)

Fyodor has not one, not two but three gold rings that say "ASS" and ''TITS'' there those really flashy ones yk?

Fyodor as a kid used to think squirrels were ducks???

Fyodor has irreparable trauma

Fyodor once drank half of a bottle of Henesey and proceeded to burp the abc's backward while half-naked on the corner of wall street with two NYC hotdogs in hand.

Fyodor can not draw for shit. Not even Bob ross can say what he draws is a happy mistake. and most psychologists suggests he seeks professional help.

Fyodor wears crocs unironically. he has seven pairs

Fyodor may or may not have broken a priceless piece of pottery in the Louver...he is banned from France.

Fyodor actually fought a Koyal in Australia and got chlamydia.

Fyodor has pants that have "THICC" bedazzled across his ass.

Fyodor one time wrote a 800k fanfic about the mascots of Jack in The Box and Mc Donalds, it was a slow burn, enemies to lovers, jock x weird kid and it currently has 2k likes. it's still ongoing but since he's been so busy he hasn't been able to update it as consistently. Also whenever he does update his author note is always crazy. it will say "Hey guys sorry for not updating in a while! currently in a maximum security prison and I'm communicating via secret code. I also got sentenced to 100 years to life. ANNNND my ''cellmate'' is the one that stole my kidney that one time and sold me a Honda civic. I'll try to be more frequent with update love you all! smut in this chapter <3"

Fyodor actual ghost produced adele's 25 album and now has a grammy

Fyodor is the type of guy to somehow convince you to take E or acid for a "ReLiGiOus ExPeRieNcE" nothing about it is religious except for when he passes out from anemia.

Fyodor thinks clam chowder is the reason life is still worth living, and honestly, I don't blame him

Fyodor owns three Starbucks.

Dazai may or may not read Fyodor's fanfic. he is currently waiting for more updates, so now he has to figure out how to make sure the ADA doesn't literally implode and keep up with this fic.

Dazai got so drunk one time he threw up on Fukuzawa and called him mommy.

Dazai was originally uncircumcised until he went to Kentucky and now he is! yeah...he now also has one middle toe??

Dazai sold atushi on the black market and then stole him from the kidnapper because he didn't have enough money to pay for his Netflix subscription.

Dazai can't spell gorgeous, he's a genius but just can't spell the word correctly

Dazai has a mug that says "Best ex-mafia boss now turned crime-fighting yet somehow still morally grey nihilistic detective!"

Dazai has also been banned from France but only because the Prime minister of Belgium (dazai's ex discord daddy) talked to the prime minister of France about the break up.

Dazai Stole the Declaration of Independence and spilled Sake on it and then returned it.

Dazai accidentally made a bomb while he was in a meeting.

Dazai one time after finishing said out loud "post nut clarity is so crazy. Like man I just remembered how I got away with three counts of manslaughter in 2010" he giggled and fist-bumped his hook up then used up the rest of their moisturizer.

Dazai like Fyodor decided to watch Everything, Everywhere, all at once thinking it wouldn't be as sad as everyone said it was. After the movie was over he stared blankly at the screen for a good three hours until someone literally had to escort him out

Dazai once drank an entire bottle of soy sauce because he was drunk. don't worry he didn't puke but he is now banned from Scottland.

Dazai stole a badger from Italy and now has a badger named pasta that is currently running a rodent gang that is freeing rodents all over the city from traps. They currently have 300 members and are expanding. Poe's Raccoon is a part of the gang, and he is their intel guy. Dazai also has to buy 100 lbs of food for this animal gang. Dazai is their mascot for some reason, and he's also their like mother? iidk

Alright well, that's all for now, as always take your time replying!

Sincerely your one and only badger gang leader in Dazi's small-ass apartment.

-🪱

i’ve been goin through it recently but this literally had me cackling thank u so much 💀💀💀💀

[elliekillsu]

hi! so im 14, and so is my gf (im trans male, shes a trans girl). i have literally searched like a million things for trans girl experiences and ur blog came up so i was wondering how do i make her feel better abt herself? because recently she posted about not feeling femme enough and stuff and she keepssending rlly sad messages then being like "oh i was js dysphoric ignore me" or wtv.

i want to make her happy but idk how bc ive never liked being a girl (obv) so idk what to say to make her feel more like the girl she is. she is post social transition, only my parents, her parents, and our best friend know, so she isnt able to go oout in things w/o feeling insecure and stuff

i let her wear some of my old clothes (dresses and skirts and crop tops and stuff) but idk how much its rlly doing for her

sry if this was long u dont have to answer lol

have a good day/night! <33

Hii! I'm always happy to help someone out, I wanna start with like the 'bad news' just to get it out of the way, you've both found out you're trans around the same time I did which is great I'm proud of you both, but that being said you're both young, I know it's said a lot and it sucks to hear but you have so much time left, I found out about my own identity pre covid and didn't start presenting until end of 2022, and didn't fully socially transition with my family until last year, my point being it is a long stressful journey and it may take time and it will be hard but it's absolutely nothing compared to how long you'll live as yourself. Now I don't know any way to make her feel less dysphoric overall, its something we're stuck with but the obvious can help, routine shaving even just facially really works well, but I would definitely say maybe try do her makeup for her, teach her how or even just buy/give her some stuff to use if she hasn't been trying that already, even a few moments for the first time can help so much. If you can afford it trying out thrift stores or charity shops to find a low cost variety of clothing for her to keep away for herself.

There's no necessarily perfect way to fix dysphoria forever, god knows I still suffer but here i sit titless, unshaven and built and I'm still the happiest I've been in years, it does get better, you hear it over and over it loses its meaning but it will get better I can promise you both that, if I could see myself now when I was your age I would be so fucking happy and I still cant believe any of this is happening, I can promise she'll have the best days of her life but also the worst, its a long journey she's just begun, she isn't alone as long as you're there, along with me and every other one of our siblings. We are all one and we love you <3

I hope this has helped even a little

[gyll-yee-haw]

It's not really question, its more just unloading I guess lol

I recently read heartbreakingly yours and first off, it's amazing! You're seriously an amazing writer!

Secondly, I'm old (ish) and I probably should be past this whole reading fanfics and all but this one really broke me in a way.

Sorry to bore you with my life story but, I'm currently in a relationship. Been together for 4 years, he's a much older guy. There's a 12 year difference between us but what attracted me to him was how much he cared in the beginning.

That sense of protection that I got from him really drew me in. How he showed me off to the world and how much he cared about my emotions and effort he made to make me feel like I'm the only one in his world. I loved all of that about him. But of course that did not last. There's been infidelity on his part now for the 4th time it seems and as pathetic as I sound, I was the one fighting for this relationship. I fought, day and night, begged him to change. Begged him to see my worthiness but he hasn't change not one bit. I recently found out yet another affair with a coworker of his. I gave up so much in my life to be able to support him financially and emotionally. 4 years of fighting for something that's is one sided. It sucks to say the least.

I haven't been on tumblr for a very long time but l was scrolling and I happened to cross your page and I read your story and it made me very sad. I miss that feeling of being heard and being seen like if you were to walk away or simply not exist anymore, they would not be able to breathe on this earth that you were no longer walking on. I miss feeling like I'm worth the fight. That I'm not just a dime of dozen. That im not the only one putting in heart and soul to one another.

Idk maybe im rambling but reading it made me very sad. I miss the honeymoon stage. I wish I felt the butterflies in my stomach again, I miss the flirtatious moments and the intimacy of it all. I miss not having to worry all the time of what they are doing behind your back; that sense of peace. I miss my tranquility.

Your story has the happy ending that I'll never get.

But reading it gave a little comfort and distraction from my reality. Thank you. I may sound weird or lame but yeah, just wanted to share that haha.

Hi, honey! Sorry it took a while to reply, I haven't been here much

First of all, there's absolutely no need to apologize for opening up, you're really brave for doing so. Second of all, don't worry because there's no such thing as being too old for fanfics, you only have one life and you should spend it doing things you enjoy!

I'm really really touched by your story. I can't express how extremely sorry I am to hear all of this. I don't know you, but I know you don't deserve to feel the way you do.

As for my story making you sad... well, you shouldn't be. I am a very strong believer that good men only exist in fiction. We use fiction exactly because real life kinda sucks... I am honoured when my stories touch people and resonate with them.

I've been where you are. Years fighting for someone while that someone fucked another someone, among other terrible forms of abuse I've been submitted to. You are not alone and this is a safe space for you to escape reality, okay?

I need you to know that none of this is your fault, okay? And don't talk badly about yourself because no one is stupid for loving, it's very clear to me that the stupid one is always the one who doesn't appreciate the love they receive.

I really hope things get better for you, from the bottom of my heart. I can't give you much, but I know it helps to open up!

Stay safe <3

[picusviridis]

helloooo you rbd the "ask me about my ocs" post from me so i am here to ask you abt them (even if you said youre not good at answering them. 😔🤝😔)

i would like to know... anything! about ur ocs :] but i know from experience vauge questions r hard to answer so maybe some trivia? like, howd you choose their names or designs. thatd be cool doesnt have to be the sol ones either !! or i think ur sol ones are also repurposed ones? so their original forms would be cool too. either way i would find it interesting :D

you are so nice to me

AND YOU KNOW ACTUALLY? NAMES & DESIGNS I WAS THINKING TO MYSELF JUST NOW "OH THEY AREN'T THAT INTERESTING" THEN I REMEMBERED NO? THEY BOTH HAVE NAME-AND-DESIGN STORIES? that I find funny anyway........

also i realise how long this is IM PUTTING IT UNDER A READ MORE.

the readmore fucking MOVED?

& ONLY cassius was repurposed . though like before SoL he was . essentially nothing . rotting in my beloveds toyhouse-folder w TWO images (NOW HE'S GOT THE MOST IN MY TH AT... 40...) because I didnt know what to do with him (and it's like... i don't wanna move him out D:) & then i made him in SoL and i think a neuron fired or something idk what happend . the moment I drew him w short hair it all went downhill i think . Anyway, so original cassius, he's named after (coughs) Cassius by Foals . I SAY THIS EVERY OTHER DAY I FEEL "LISTEN TO CASSIUS BY FOALS" (LINKED, THIS TIME.) BUT HE CAME ABOUT COS I SAW A TEMPT6T VIDEO WITH UHH

SOMEONE AS THE GEN 4 GUITARIST. AND FOR DAYS I WAS IN A STATE OF LIKE... ILLNESS? "I NEED TO NAME SOME OC CASSIUS" (....) "I WANNA MAKE THAT GUY AN OC" (....) oh mon dieu now there's a blonde guy in my brain . what the fuck . what the hell? who let him in dude dude dude dude what the hell . tangent but he even was in a band. at first. cos of course he was . a band, fun fact, based on AN OLD POKEMON BAND I HAD . WHICH I HADN'T TOUCHED IN YEARS . BUT cassius was based (i say based loosely) on a shiny minccinno/cincinno named "S I N" so that's fun & the bassist (i.e.) the only other one i . sketched (half-finished?) . i wanna say "oh haha he looks like alfie but with glasses on" but he doesn't . not at all ??? he would have had the same colour hair though. so that's like... the exact same character then

see. him? i wanted to put him here he hasn't seen the light of day in months . ok . where was i . oh yeah this was dropped pretty quickly cos i didnt know what to do with them LOL. now long-haired cassius has been repurposed AGAIN to be cassius' older brother in........the loathingverse! which is cool :-)

& even like i tried so hard to make him fit with the song back when but it NEVER worked and then he gets LOATHING'D AND NOW HE FITS? what the hell man

.

also alfie. alfie oh my god alfie can i say? can i start? do not look at me strangely for this but

this was who he was based on. alfie from fucking blue y . i dont know how i found him nor why i wanted to make a character named alfie because of it but i did AND i needed a name for my achievement hunter (which i portmanteaued, horribly, into his last name) save file(s). So alfie achivunter it was.......... and AND THIS IS WHY HE'S LIKE. THE "DOG GUY". and thats why he looked like THIS at one point :

but i was making his ref & i was like. dear lord this looks atrocious . so im pretty sure i colourpicked from like . ron inside job or something (i distinctly remember being like "this sucks" "what if i made him look like ron instead" & i did) instead and now he looks NORMAL except NOW HE LOOKS LIKE CONNOR SCP CONTAINMENT AND RON INSIDE JOB???? like okay i feel mental every time i say this but like come ON . COME ON?

the Exact Same Man. ok???? i feel like a detective gone mental pointing to a board with red threads and photos like DON'T YOU SEE? IT'S ALL CONNECTED!!! THEY LOOK THE FUCKING SAME!!!!!!! THESE THREE LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh and fun fact alfie is short for alfred he really cannot win . have i said this before? i probably have

& one last thing I guess

these little dots beneath the eyes . it basically means he's got a little evil in him OR really, IMPOSSIBLE TO GET FORESHADOWING. unless you .... know...... the cosmosdex??? yeah. i thought itd fit AND right beneath ALL OF MY OTHER INSANITY. WITH AN ACTUAL LITTLE TRIVIA POINT? HUUUUM. OKAY?