#idk im just feeling self love right now. i dont always feel this easy love and acknowledgement to myself

[shayberri789]

Thinking back on it and... even though I didnt have the words or vocab to adequately explain my fears or how I felt, I'm really really proud of younger me for identifying those experiences and fears and trying to voice them anyway, and I'm proud of younger me for not changing in face of those differences

[xxconnection]

What’s the hardest thing about living on womyn's land

ok i gotta come clean. my instinct was to lie and say the hardest thing is like, the amount of manual labor or idk, staying warm in the winter. but this an easy question. we've asked this question at other wimmins lands and their answer is usually the same as ours: getting along. ive only been on tumbler a couple of weeks and i already see that this problem is here on radblr too.

here on the land right now we're really really lucky because we residents get along. we have our disagreements and bad moments but we love each other and enjoy spending time together. that wasnt always the case here! this used to be a place wimmin didnt even want to visit because it was so unfriendly. now after much hard work, we have more visitors than ever. and the vast majority of our visitors are kind and reasonable wimmin who come here to enjoy the land and socialize with other wimmin. but nobody is perfect yall. kind and reasonable wimmin also do and say rude and unreasonable little things. these kinds of little things can turn into feuds if the wimmin involved dont have the conflict resolution skills to handle it. also, not all wimmin are kind and reasonable! some wimmin are totally unlikable! some wimmin come here with no intention of getting along at all! some wimmin come here to get drunk and throw things! some wimmin attend events just to start arguments! and all of those wimmin still deserve female only space.

so how do we deal with difficult wimmin? how do we deal with difficult moments? we do our best but sometimes there's nothing we can do. sometimes we make it worse. and sometimes we are the difficult ones. me, i have chronic pain and was raised with a "eat or be eaten" mindset. being difficult comes plenty natural to me! but puttin in the extra effort to have compassion even when u feel like being mean is worth it. and so we try and we try again.

we have a great little community here. i really believe that every womon who comes here wants the best for the land. but we all show it in different ways, and some wimmin are perhaps more passionate than others. some have more self control than others. some have more hurt than others. and some had never once been in a space where they could express themselves freely until they came here. even the most calm and collected womon can fall apart if she finds herself in a safe enough space. it's important for wimmin to have space to be ugly and difficult. it's hard to hold that space, but not as hard as not having that space at all.

anyways, thank you for your excellent question. i guess what im trying to say is that being nice can be really hard, but it's important to try. we can practice on each other!

[zirobitches]

One Piece: Soulmate AU

Always in this twilight - Crocodile x GN!Reader

Summary: Soulmates are incapable of hurting each other. As a pirate, this leads to some tragic moments midst battles. You thought you were prepared for when it might happen to you, but damn you were wrong.

Gn! Reader, Angst no comfort, no beta we die like Roger, Reader is Croc's First Mate and a former Roger pirate (Shanks/Buggy's age) but it doesnt really matter, also former slave background, congrats you are now in the place of my self insert OC, no promises on not being cringe this is literally a /reader fic, also had to make a fake crew bc we dont know enough crocs backstory HAND IT OVER ODA

Word count: 4500+

Also first fic on tumblr, idk what im doing here, lmk ur opinions. It is now 2:03am and i have class at 10:30. Might have to skip lmao

EDITS: grammar check lol. also cross posted it on ao3 - same name as my blog

-----------

Soulmates weren't as common as you'd might assume when you first hear about it. There's an easy way to prove someone is your soulmate, but when that method is to harm them, well, it doesn't make it easy to find that person. And society gets a bit weird when you know your soulmate is out there.

you've known that some people carry around little needles to poke into strangers hoping to find the one. But that was in decent society; among pirates you more often heard tales of bullets suddenly dropping to the ground after they hit their target, or swords stopping on someone's skin as though it just hit steel. A battlefield is a hell of a place to meet the person fate had decided for you, but for pirates it had become a norm.

Not that long ago, some genius named Vegapunk did a study on how many people meet their soulmate - 1 in a 100. And that's just how many people find them. It never accounts for how many actually happily end up together. You had chosen to live your life as a pirate, so a happy ending with your supposed soulmate wasn't something you foresaw in your future.

You were always grateful most of your current crew felt the same. There was a small group among pirates that were always on the lookout to find their soulmate and then immediately retire. Your crew however like to joke that if they found them in battle, they would move out of the way so someone else could finish them off. It was a grim reality, but it was your reality.

However, on nights like these where you drank the night away, some romantic always had to bring it up.

"C'mon, did old Roger really make you so cold hearted that you don't believe in true love?"

"Pfft, you're fucking joking right?" You scoffed back. You always argued with Tink about this, but you understood your young navigator still had hope. Too bad you were the pessimist of the crew.

"It's not that I don't believe in true love," you continued. "Soulmates are real, I don't really see another explanation for not being able to harm only one other person in the world. But why limit yourself to waiting for a person you might never meet? So many are denying themselves to fall in love with someone else and then end up dying alone because they never found their soulmate."

Tink pouted in front of you. This was a tired conversation, one that was repeated every few weeks much to the chagrin of your other crewmates. But a controversial topic was always a great topic for a group such as yourselves.

"I'm not denying myself the chance to fall in love! I'm denying ever feeling heartbroken over someone who doesn't matter!" Tink tried to argue back, but you just groaned in response.

"And if you never meet the one? You'll just live and die without ever letting yourself even get a taste of what it is you're chasing." Tink glared, knowing it was futile to keep going, but the pink of her cheeks told you that the grog in her system was trying to get her to keep fighting.

It was then that a familiar tall figure caught your eye. There was your beloved captain Crocodile, trying to sneak behind everyone's back to grab another bottle for himself.

Crocodile was never much one for festivities, at least not one 'undeserved' as he might put it. While there was no battle won to celebrate, the night sky was clear and the waters calm; in the Grand Line, shouldn't that be enough to be happy about?

However tonight you weren't going to let him sneak booze and hide from the crew.

"Cap'n!" Apparently the grog was getting to you as well. "Come over here and help me crush Tink's dream of a soulmate!" You laughed as Tink gasped at your audacity. The rest of your company seemed more or less happy with how the night was going, but your captain was still less than enthused to join.

"If this is the same soulmate debate you've been going on about for the past 3 years, I will pass again. You already know my feelings on the matter." Crocodile's deep voice reverberated across the deck of the ship. Even if he wasn't giving orders, he still commanded the attention of everyone within earshot.

He gave a long drag of the bottle in his hand, and then turned to walk away. However you felt it was your duty as first mate to pester your captain into spending casual time with his crew.

"I may know your opinion, but would you be so kind and gracious to remind the rest of the crew? Perhaps?" You called out to the dark coat trying to run from the party, and saw him pause, then turn to walk back.

You could see some of the newer additions to the crew cower. You didn't blame them, Crocodile was an imposing figure, and was developing a infamous reputation as a pirate on the Grand Line. But he was your captain, and he would never hurt his crew, this you knew.

"If I ever met my soulmate," Crocodile began, "I assume it would be when I attempt to kill them." He took another sip from his bottle. This was one of the rare moments he was not puffing a cigar you suddenly realize. It made his face look younger, as though he was actually a man in his 20s as he claimed he was.

As though he knew you were thinking of him, Crocodile made eye contact with you. "When I realize I can't kill them, I'll call out for you." You felt your heart skip a beat. "Then you can finish them for me."

It was purely the grog's fault for making your face warm. The lack of a sea breeze was also suddenly apparent. But you couldn't be flustered, not when you were the one who asked for this answer.

You smiled, doing your best to brush off the tension. You were still maintaining eye contact with him after all. "Well there you have it. Not exactly the opinion I remember, but I hope I can live up to your expectations, Cap'n."

Crocodile nodded, then told you all to start to sober up or get to bed. "I don't need a crew of drunks on the Grand Line, or else we will never make it to the New World."

Your crew began to disperse and you went below deck to your cabin. You really hadn't had much to drink that night, yet your chest felt tight.

You thought you had learned your lesson, but no. Even after promising yourself you wouldn't, you became attached to your crew. Even after your last one fell apart. Even after you watched your first captain, your savior, be executed, you fucked up and dove straight into a different crew expecting it to be different.

You laid down in your bed, staring at the ceiling, the world slightly spinning. Suddenly all you can think about is when you met Croc.

-

It was little more than 3 years ago now, wasn't it? A whole 3 years since Roger died. The weight is still heavy in your chest, but not nearly as devastating as it was in Logue Town that day. You were a wreck, physically and emotionally.

After watching the execution, you were too heartbroken to join the others in pursuit of the One Piece. Your world has just officially ended, the crew was technically already disbanded, but now there was no hope of getting it back.

You ended up in some local bar. No one recognized you, and in the haze of all the excitement following Roger's death, why would they? You had just been some nobody apprentice who happened to stick on his ship after Roger saved your life.

But your sorrow did catch someone's eye.

You sat at the counter of this dive bar in Logue Town, mindlessly stirring whatever number drink sat in front of you now. You had run out of tears, and sat stuck in some frozen state of grief.

However, this sad portrait of yourself did not seem to deter someone from sitting next to you.

You paid them no mind, just staring into empty space, not enough energy to even remember you were still alive.

"You were a member of the Pirate King's crew weren't you?"

A deep voice rattled from the stranger, but it was his words that really caught your attention.

"How'd you figure?" You had paused your stirring at first, but now focused on your drink to avoid eye contact. You were a mess, you could feel your puffy eyes, and were still sniffling every so often.

"There's no reason anyone in this town should be sad that someone like him died. So, you must have known him, right?" The deep voice continued, and you could feel their eyes staring, but didn't have the strength to meet them.

"Well, you caught me. Going to take me in and see if you can get a reward? I'm afraid you won't find any posters of me though. I tended to get lost in the crowd, you could say." After that statement you finally grasped the glass in front of you and decided to knock back what was left. If this was the end of your little pirating career, so be it. It can die with Roger.

"Will you join my crew?"

Your head snapped up at that, and you finally looked up at the stranger.

Long black hair was slicked back to show all the sharp features of the man's face. A strong square jaw, a prominent, perfect nose, and pale, piercing eyes, hooded by thin black eyebrows. Undoubtedly, even in your drunken haze, you were sure sober you would agree the man was handsome.

After a moment to take in this stranger all you could manage was a "Excuse me?"

He smiled - no, smirked - and pulled a cigar out from his coat. "I could use someone with your experience on my crew." He carried on, as if you were discussing the weather outside. He lit the cigar with a lighter you hadn't noticed him pull out. Perhaps it was the booze, but looking at this guy, he almost seemed… fuzzy, around the edges.

"Having someone who once worked for the Pirate King should help me become the next Pirate King."

The stranger took a long drag from his cigar, then exhaled over the counter. You didn't know where the barkeep was now, but at the moment, it felt like you and him were the only people in the building.

You should be mad. Enraged at the audacity of someone to come up to you on the worst day of your life, and to ask you to work for them. But you felt nothing.

No. That wasn't right. You did feel something.

You chuckled. Giggled even. A small laugh that built up till you were laughing, nearly hysterically. You hadn't felt like this sort of light headed elation in a long time, and it was nice.

After taking a moment to catch your breath you finally looked back at the stranger. He didn't look upset at your reaction. He just kept smoking his cigar, waiting for an answer.

"I'm afraid I didn't catch your name."

"I am Sir Crocodile, captain of the Neverland Pirates."

"Hmmm. Well, Sir Crocodile, I can tell you now that you have no chance of being Pirate King." You smirked back at him, propping your head up on your hand as you leaned against the counter.

This response still didn't bother the man. If anything, you swore he almost seemed… satisfied by your answer. Perhaps he knows what's coming next.

"I can help you out on the Grand Line and maybe help you get to the New World, but I promise," you leaned in towards this captain, staring him down. "You will never be the man Roger was. No one will."

Yet Crocodile was unperturbed.

"So you'll join my crew?"

You leaned back and reassessed your empty glass. You cast a quick glance at the bar and then back at the other pirate.

"Sure. I don't have anything better to do anyways."

-

You thought back in Logue Town you could never feel the same way about Crocodile's crew that you felt with Roger's, but you were always the fool. Now you are attached.

Now you need a reason to leave.

You couldn't waste your time or your heart with them. You had already died once with Roger, and if you stayed any longer you know you could never leave alive. You got up from bed - still plenty tipsy you swayed over - to your dresser.

Middle drawer, back left, underneath some no longer worn t-shirts was a small box. You opened it.

There were several small scraps of paper. Vivre cards.

As a child on Roger's boat, you were ecstatic to learn about vivre cards. A simple way to know the people you loved were alive and safe, and be able to find their exact location? It was too good to be true.

When you remember the feeling of Roger's paper burning in your hands at his execution, you knew the reality of vivre cards.

Your fingertips gently sorted through the papers you had made for some of Roger's crew. Each had a tiny name written in a corner. Shanks, Buggy, Ray, Gaban, Oden, and a few others of people who had been most important to you.

Maybe you could leave this crew and seek out the others. Rayleigh had always said he would retire at Sabaody, and your crew was bound to get there soon, hopefully in a couple months. The ache in your chest; you missed your old family. This could be the excuse you needed.

With a heavy sigh you closed the box and hid it away again. Sleeping on it would be good. Sleeping away the booze would also be nice.

Maybe then the tears would stop silently slipping down your face.

-

It turns out the excuse of seeing your old crew was unneeded. The news coo was kind enough to drop a reason to leave directly in your lap.

You stared at the newspaper for a long moment. The sinking feeling in your gut still did not go away.

You walked up to the bow where Crocodile was standing. He stared at the horizon as you approached the next island, Water 7.

"Captain."

Crocodile turned to look at you, face neutral, signature cigar in his mouth.

"Morning. The news any good?"

"They want to make you a Warlord."

Your own feelings were swept under the rug as your crewmates overheard. Instantly the deck was buzzing, the news spreading and making the once sleepy, slightly hungover crew come back to life.

"This is perfect!" The helmsman Diat yelled, a grin wide on his face. "Not only do we get the Marines off our back, it's recognition that we are some of the strongest pirates on the Grand Line!"

You would have laughed at him if not for the ice in your chest. Similar celebratory remarks were made all around you, but you didn't have the strength to pretend this was good news to you.

All you could feel was an icy feeling on your back, right where you had a large scar that tore up a long faded tattoo. But time could not get rid of the mark you could never forget about, no matter how much you wanted to.

Amid the spontaneous party you finally turned back to Crocodile. Amidst it all, he was still only looking at you.

Your words were quiet compared to the raucous around you, but your captain heard you just fine.

"If you become a Warlord I'm leaving the crew."

A couple of nearby crew gasped, heads whipped in your direction and murmurs quickly took place of all the yells.

Instantly protests, people yelling your name, yelling their arguments, but it all fell on deaf ears as you stared down your captain.

Tink of all people knew it was futile to argue with you, and turned to the man of the hour. "Captain! You can't just let your first mate leave!"

Before she could continue, Crocodile interjected. "You never planned on making me King of the Pirates, right? So you never planned on staying on this ship anyways."

This evoked even more protests from the crowd. Many of them weren't sure what you two were talking about, and some had begun to yell again.

The sounds were starting to be overwhelming, and this was not a conversation that required the whole crew anyways.

"That's enough from everyone!" You yelled over the cacophony. The crew went quiet. "This is a conversation for me and the captain, the rest of you need to beat it! Do something useful, we will make a port soon."

The crowd was not placated in the least, but it was true the ship would be docked soon, and there were things that needed to be prepared beforehand.

"You heard them. Get back to work." Crocodile finished your command, and the crowd dispersed. You knew they would still be listening, but it didn't stop you.

"I refuse to be part of a crew that works alongside the Marines. If you become a Warlord you automatically become their dog - then you may as well be a dog of the celestial dragons." Your tongue burned even at the mention of the world nobles.

Crocodile took a long drag of his cigar. He looked away from you and sighed an exhale of smoke, then dragged his line of sight back to you.

"I haven't decided yet."

You bristled at this. "Are you suggesting they already offered this to you? And I had to find out through a newspaper?"

Crocodile took yet another drag, and you lost your patience with his nicotine addiction. "Answer me Crocodile."

Your captain sighed through his nose this time, some of the smoke reaching you, a familiar smell after all these years. It once may have been a nice fragrance, knowing your captain was near, but now it blinded you and stoked your anger.

"We are almost to Water 7. Let's save it for there."

-

Tensions were high, especially between you and Crocodile, when your mood worsened when he disappeared while you oversaw the docking. But you docked. You got the crew into a hotel. During this time the crew began splitting into sides, which was not something you had anticipated. But you ignored it all until finally, Crocodile returned and you cornered him into in a room alone with you.

He had no cigar, and you had no drink in hand. It was a painfully sober room.

Crocodile sighed and slumped into an armchair. He dragged his eyes across the room till they met yours. You refused to look away this time, jaw set with determination to stand your ground.

"I don't want to be the Marine's dog," Croc began. "But they offered me a deal."

"The deal that our crimes are excused? Big whoop, as long as we don't get caught it's almost the same."

"No," he sighed, a large ring covered hand dragging down his face in exasperation. "A deal to help take down Whitebeard."

That got you silent. For a moment, as you recalled every time you saw Roger and Whitebeard exchange blows and fight for days on end.

"You? Take down Whitebeard?" You laughed, but it was a dry and bitter thing. "Your bounty is $81 million berries. Your devil fruit is great and all, but it is by no means fight and beat Whitebeard good. Even if Newgate was without his crew, our entire crew would be wiped off the map. You've lost it if you truly believe that this is achieveable."

Crocodile glared from across the room. Not his usual, perpetual glare, but a genuine, freeze you in your tracks ice cold glare.

He stood up, all 8 feet imposing over you as he stalked across the room. "I have let you say plenty of cruel things to me, but this may cross the line."

But you were his first mate and you couldn't fear him if you were supposed to talk sense into him. "Cross the line? I'm not the one who is making deals with the Navy so I can sail us to our deaths at the hands of Whitebeard!" You were yelling now, no, roaring at your foolish headstrong captain.

"If you take that ship and that crew as it is now to the New World to fight Whitebeard and his sons, no one will come back alive!" Your heart was on fire with rage and frozen in fear. Rage at your captain, who is very much overestimating his abilities. Fear for your crewmates who have no idea what sort of danger their captain was going to put them in.

Crocodile was now truly enraged on the same level as you. He sneered down at you as he suddenly grabbed you by the neck - much to your shock. "I wanted you there to see me become the next Pirate King. But if you can't support me for this, one of the biggest moments in my life since I've been a pirate, then I have no need for you anymore."

With his free hand he opened the door that was behind you. A group of Marines walked in with cuffs ready. "To sweeten the deal, what better than to give a former Roger pirate to the Navy?"

You felt all the blood drain from your face, as fear for your own well being finally pierced your heart. You looked up at Crocodile, and you could feel tears begin to creep at the corner of your eyes. "You never fail to surprise me, Captain."

"Well done Sir Crocodile." One of the Marines spoke, and you could tell from their uniform it was a Vice Admiral, though you didn't recognize them.

"A public execution of a Roger's pirate should be a grand way to ring in your instatement as Warlord."

You felt the world slow down around you and felt Crocodile's grip on your neck slip at the Marine's sentencing.

Crocodile began to speak, "That was not what we agreed on," But your ears had begun to ring.

Growing up on the Oro Jackson, you had picked up some neat tricks. You found out you were hopeless with the color of observation haki, but had a special knack for color of arms. Perfect against those darn logia fruit users.

In a blink of an eye you ripped Crocodile's arm away from your neck and you made a mad dash past him. And jumped straight through a window, glass and all.

You could vaguely hear a commotion behind you as Marines ran after you, but it was lost with the ringing in your ears.

You could hear and feel your heartbeat, pounding throughout your body as you ran through the endless alleys and canals of Water 7. You could feel tears pierce through the wind rushing past your face as you ran, desperately with no objective.

All you could think about was the way the heat of Crocodile's hand felt on your neck, the cold metal of the rings that had pressed against your pulse.

Have you ever really touched Crocodile before?

…

You missed him. You didn't understand why. He had just betrayed you - fucking hell, he was just handing you over to the Navy as part of his deal to become a warlord, but god. You wanted to be with him anyways. You're not sure how long you've been in love with him; his sharp eyes, the smell of his cigars, the rings on his hands, but gods above.

You had fallen in love with Crocodile.

In your realization you slowed down. Your legs and lungs burned, you were gasping for air and not just because you had been running.

Has it always been this dark? When did the day leave you behind?

You now stood in some nondescript alley, dimly lit a golden hue by windows that lined it. It was a long alley, each end blocked by canals. How you arrived there you weren't certain. But you weren't alone.

At one end sand had appeared. And from it stepped your dear, awful captain Crocodile. You both stared at each other, both of you panting for breath.

"I didn't want it to be like this." Crocodile's voice cuts through the air to you. You knew you should run. But for some reason you couldn't find the strength.

"I didn't know they would execute you. I imagined they would send you to Impel Down." Crocodile continued to speak. You just stood there and listened as he walked towards you.

As you watched him, there was a strange look on his face. You've seen it before but still didn't know what it meant.

He stopped walking ten feet in front of you. The light was still too dim to see him clearly, but it was fine. You knew his face well enough.

"I won't let the Navy kill you. Not after what the nobles did to you, it feels wrong." You had never told Crocodile what the scar on your back was. It didn't feel like it mattered anymore.

"I think I'll feel better about this if I'm the one who kills you."

You knew this was coming. The second you saw him at the end of the alley. But you agreed with him. If you had to die at someone's hands, you would pick Crocodile over anyone else. Even if it meant he didn't feel the same about you, it didn't matter anymore. You were so tired.

It would be nice to see Roger again.

But then Rayleigh's face flashed in your mind. You still had to pay him a visit. You still had to visit Wano to see Oden. You wanted to see Shanks and Buggy find the One Piece.

You couldn't see Roger just yet.

So, in a sudden scramble, you turned around and ran.

The ground where you had been standing suddenly crumbled. You felt a gasp finally escape your lungs as you realized you almost gave up. But not yet. You had to save your crew too.

Then you finally ran out of luck. The dim light hid a hole in the cobblestones and you fell to the alley ground. You quickly twisted your body just in time to see Crocodile's scythe of sand arc straight towards you.

It hits you right in the chest, and crumbles to dust.

Confused, you run your hands through the sand that has landed on your lap. You're not cut in half - instead you just have sand all over you.

Crocodile change his mind? He was letting you go? Thoughts and heart still racing, you looked up at him.

Oh.

Oh no.

The horror on his face was plain to see - that was supposed to be a killing blow.

But he didn't hurt you.

Your hand jumped to your neck from when he grabbed you earlier. But in retrospect, you had just been shocked by the action, he hadn't harmed you.

Crocodile didn't hurt you.

No.

Crocodile couldn't hurt you.

Because he was your soulmate.

It was the look on his face that hurt you the most. The disgust, anger, horror - this man did not want a soulmate. He did not want you. So why bother sticking around?

You scrambled back to your feet. Even if he couldn't hurt you, the Marines still could.

So, with blurry eyes and a heavy heart, you ran away.

Faintly, you heard a painfully familiar voice call your name, but then all that was left was the wind as you ran.

pt. 2 (if you want, but this might be better as a one shot)

[bookish-soup]

waht does one do whdn they feel Not Good

ohoho. dont like. stress eat. but do make sure to nourish yourself and also drink fourteen glasses of water. i usually do chores and stuff like the dishwasher idk i find the monotonous task usually helps me to enter a headspace and play out scenarios. if Scenarios are your problem then 1. get Tea or mocha/hot chocolate or literally anything and 2. find good book with pyjamas. it is late enough in the day to excuse that. if you dont want to relax then run i guess and fall into self hatred because Im Not Fit Enough for thiiiiiiiis. do it to best of queen. or really anything you enjoy screaming to but it has to be a classic. i like sorting stuff out (like my room, not the problem) but im weird so maybe thats just me. puzzles also. maybe journal. watch something like bridget jones also weirdly disney channel things work for me it must be the style of the hair or something its the early 2010s. watch vines because i love them with all of my heart social media is awful now what even happened. if you just feel kind of ill or gross have a shower and turn it to icy cold right at the end so you dont get that horrible after shower warmth feeling because i hate it and the resr of the world is the wrong temperature ....you could always write me a letter :3 WAIT THATS ANOTHER ONE YES. GET CREATIVE WITH CUTE THINGS. focus on a task and stuff. cuddle with relatives i know you kind of hate them a little bit right now but sometimes it just helps idk. if your family are the problem and you just need to get out then go stay at your grandparents for a night? idk its easy for me to do that because my granny is the most hospitable person on earth and i love her to bits but maybe you arent able to do that :/. no doom scrolling. if you must then long form media which is pOSITIVE. bake. maybe study a little but make it cutesy and enjoyable because there's no need to stress out before school starts. leave that to your mutuals :333333

[kkami-writes]

I am aliveeeee

and holy crap im so glad your back

honestly as an artist I really relate to your writing experience right now, every time I sit down with my art tablet like “WE HAVE A VISUALLY INTERESTING AND COOL IDEA, WE ARE GOING TO DO IT BY THE END OF THE NIGHT” I just sit there staring at my screen or just blatantly hating the drawing that jm making to the point that I just quit

sometimes you need to change up your medium, try writing on paper by hand!

for me, I've REALLY gotten back into traditional art, and colouring, while I love digital art I've grown burnt out from it (I started at the beginning of 2020😭 and have been non-stop for 4 years now)

I also lost like 150+ drawings when my tablet software crashed and I had to reset everything, that wasn't very good for motivation 💀 I was in mourning for like 3 weeks cause whole years' worth of drawings was gone just like that

I guess my brain likes traditional art more right now since it can't be lost as easy

your experience may differ completely so my advice may not work at all, but changing perspective really does help

when you're an artist of any kind and you start viewing your projects and art as “work” and “mandatory” It creates a big unwillingness to do the things that once made you happy

expression of self turns to guilt of not doing enough faster, guilt to resentment for when you do have (aka force yourself ) to do it etc

at the end of the day remember this isn't a job, you are blessing us with your writing FOR FREE, just because you feel inspired to do so

dont pressure yourself you're doing great

you are human, you are not a machine. 💕

I agree!! fun fact about me is that i'm a stationery whore and I collect journals/stickers/washi tape and stuff so I actually have a notebook filled with plots and ideas and it's actually how I prefer to plot or keep ideas down. of course I have a shit ton of google docs and notes on my phone but I tend to end up writing them down physically bc it's h how I retain shit half the time. and idk there's something nice about kinda just writing physically just streams of consciousness. it's why I also like to journal and stuff (i say as it's been a month since i've journaled) but anyway yeah!! also that sucks and i'm sorry you lost a lot of your shit TT that would be so devastating. I think it's always good to have backup hobbies or like you said switching from traditional to digital and vice versa when burnout occurs. I wish you luck!! <3

[threetangerines]

hey, ryen!! how are you, love?

i was catching up with the blog just now and read the 📖 anon ask, and oh my god. i wanted to say a few things and you know i talk a lot, but bear with me, i promise this ask is gonna be a mess

i find it absolutely incredible and heartwarming how much 3tan is expanding. just the fact that you felt the necessity to create a separate blog to filter our craziness, or how each day we get to know more anons and how we recently learned that your writing speaks to and reaches men too. i feel so glad that you're receiving so much love and more recognition in each step of the way!

also, i love to hear how 3tan moved other readers. i love to hear about your inclusivity having an impact, about your caution whenever writing a character makes you write something that's relatable even if from a different background than yours.

urgh. you truly are such a great author, and i want so damn much to have a physical copy of 3tan once is over (if it'll ever be aksjak).

anyways, all this bc i wanted to share a bit of how your writing touched me too

when i had my 3tan journey, i was in a very bad place (that i wont detail bc i dont wanna trigger anyone or expose myself lol) and that's why i read all of it in one weekend.

i found shelter in your words in a way that i can't possibility explain. your story helped me to elaborate my feelings, and shed light on a lot of stuff i felt, but didn't understand. del sagno was a slap on the face for me, it was a wake up call in so many ways and i actually started therapy not long after it and i finally just worte my first fic and so much of it was fueled by you. like, whenever i listen to bts' songs i feel like you're promoting the same messages and you help me to go through my own healing process.

what 3tan means to me is... well. more than you know, and that's why i wanted to write you that forfeit analysis, i wanted to try and give back in some way.

anyway, it's three in the morning here, and im kinda emotional (as i always seem to be), so i just wanna say one last thing.

in flutter, reader talks about finding a home in a person, and i think it speaks to most of us who found home in bts and army. but i feel like you've proven to me that one can also find home in books, bc although i've always heard ppl talking about it, i've never felt it. 3tan tho? 3tan is easy to love bc it's real, 3tan is the easiest thing to love bc it feels like home.

hi, lua! i'm doing well<3 and idk if you meant to message this blog or kithtaehyung but omg 📖 is incredible, right??

i'm really excited that 3tan is expanding, as well (and i'm happy this blog now exists so that we can have our own little nook!) the recognition is cool but i'm truly just glad that people are finding themselves in this series and learning from it, just as i have.

there are so many people that love bangtan, and by extension, read bangtan fics. this is why i wanna be sure anyone can be comfortable reading mine and know that they are understood and seen<33 we shall see if there are physical copies! you are way too kind and i am so happy to have you here.

oh, love... i will say this: therapy is huge. proud of you for seeking that out and following through because talking out what's been on your mind and getting it sorted is crucial to feeling better, thinking better. to be able to lead you into something helpful like that? i feel so much in my chest idek what else to say..

self-love and forgiveness is what i want us to all have. if my stuff resonates with you as much as the boys' songs do, then i can retire peacefully and with no regrets. i've never received a compliment or comment like that.. kinda just sitting here and staring at your message. :')) wow.

your forfeit/3tanalysis (whoa, another word we can use!) is mind-blowing and i wanna print it and keep it forever i'm so serious. i felt like an actual author in that moment and it was surreal getting to read it. i love you.

3tan will always be there for you when you need it. it's home for me, too, and i'm super glad you've found comfort in it, as well. this was all wonderful to hear. thank you for saying these things but i wanna fight you bc i'm just one big pile of mush now T^T

[namelessvoid]

This is just a long post of me venting/ranting since it should be save to do now that i got rid of those 2

Do not get mad if u choose to read this urself, if u read this only to get angry do not take it out on ne

────── ⋆⋅🍁⋅⋆ ──────

Links to other stuff I related to=

i feel like if i ask for help again ill just...

Screenshot that is kinda relatable

you know what its fucking hard trying to get help

Broken mask comic thing

Raccoon meme

────── ⋆⋅🍁⋅⋆ ──────

sorry about this vent but I need to get things out of my mind

Does anyone ever regret even trying to get medical help bc what if ur just an attention seeker?

Like somedays i want to completely disappear where no one knows me & completely get off the internet so i cant be attention seeker or even be 💀 bc i wouldn't be able to be an attention seeker (or would ppl still see me as that? Would they think that i did to get attention?)

i honestly think about cancelling my appointments completely...

i know making this post makes me attention seeker but i just needed to vent

────── ⋆⋅🍁⋅⋆ ──────

But at the same time...

If u seek me out after i blocked ur accounts just to call me names u being a drama llama isn't my fault

If u urself read my vent post & then get mad that isn't my fault

I have the exact same right to vent in the internet just as anyone else who vents in the internet

I should be allowed to reach out for help without feeling horrible about it

But at the same time i cant help but blame myself for everything

All this anxiety & stress with depression is making me numb. My physical health makes life harder. I dont have the energy to react so i just close myself & go numb. I just lie in my bed all day tired questioning my worth

Im never claim to be a good person bc of what i did in 2020(about), hell maybe i do deserve all of this. Maybe this is what karma is? But those ppl are no better than me, did the same exact shit that i did

────── ⋆⋅🍁⋅⋆ ──────

The quilt of not being like others

I grew up around ppl who like gaming, old stuff, series, movies, going outside, social/got along with ppl, loves christmas & Likes vehicles I have been listening ppl liking movies, series, eating sweets, who celebrate holidays, ppl who play games & know who they are & love music

Im nothing like that & it makes me feel so wrong I do not like sweets or gaming, i'm not the biggest fan of holidays. I prefer to be alone inside, I have mixed feelings about music. Not overly interested in vehicles & I have been questioning my identy since 2019

The quilt of being different & the self hate

────── ⋆⋅🍁⋅⋆ ──────

Why are ppl like this?

Like I can eat some sweets little bit but not all (cant eat cake, muffins, specific type of candys, chocolate & so on) but the biggest reason is that I just dont like it or the texture (yes, my stomach starts hurting easily when I eat stuff like this but its not even bad, its just more uncomfortable than full on painful) I just do not like Sweets/sugary stuff but its like ppl cant just take the no but now that i exaggerate it suddenly ppl just take the no?

Why do ppl always react like this when u say no to something like this?

Not even gonna start about how some ppl react when i say i cant eat something, like im soooo sorry for having health issues, sensory issues, having different likes/dislikes than u, for being a Picky eater like im soooo sorry /j /neg

────── ⋆⋅🍁⋅⋆ ──────

Im tired & idk what to do

Im way too (insert word here) to leave the house & get to school in time. I am autistic with, anxiety & chronical pain & idk what to do. Its all too much but asking for help isn't easy either but i am an adult, this is what everyone expect me to be able to do & when I cant do it, it feels like everyone is mad so its hard to even admit it out loud how much school I have already missed. I honestly dont know what to do

The concept of leaving the house in pain, traveling trough the sensory nightmare in pain trying to get there in time, spends all the time there & them make my way back home in pain & over whelmed/simulated its just too much for me & so i dont even wanna leave the house but i need to bc thats what im expect to be doing

I am trying to get medical help but that hasnt really been working out that well. Maybe i do need to drop out but i need to stay in school for medical help.... idk what to do

Having to ask for accommodatioms(?) In school Is terrifying bc then i would have to admit the situation & feel like im letting everyone down but what else i can do?

────── ⋆⋅🍁⋅⋆ ──────

Me= hey heres me boundaries

Specifically my parents= not gonna listen, respect or remember that got it!

—▪︎—

Parents= u want tv?

Me more than once= no

Parents= still gives me tv bc listening & taking me seriously is apparently too much

Me= gives it back not long after that christmas knowing they will probably never actually listen me

—▪︎—

Me last year=I do not want gifts, thats my boundary. Bc of my childhood i feel uncomfortable with gifts so these gifts for my 19 bday should remain the last from my family, gonna let my relatives know later on if they send anything (they did so I told them)

Christmas 2023= family= heres gifts even after u said no

Grandma oct 2024 but got it today= I know u dont want gifts but I still decided to send u this hopefully u dont offended

—▪︎—

Me now= i mean it would be nice if my boundaries were respect but ok i quess u do u

The problem is thay if u let them push the small boundaries after everything its still too much

────── ⋆⋅🍁⋅⋆ ──────

────── ⋆⋅🍁⋅⋆ ──────

[deyanirahayes]

idk man this is the only social media that i have no ties to anyone on and i just need to vent/rant/ whatever bc the unsent project only allows 100 characters and i have so many emotions that i will get lectured at if i post somewhere ppl will see it.

i am fine. not happy. not good. just fine.

i miss a life that i never had. something i have learned over the years ive been alone is how much i love to run. anytime anything in my life gets hard i do whatever i can to run away from it. ill change my name, hair, style, house, friends, ANYTHING to forget that version of myself and that time of my life. i have never had a strong sense of self, i dont know who i am or what i stand for. its funny, my mother may have been wrong about so much but she was right about that.

i have done horrible things. everyday when theres a pause in the chaos i remember. i hate it. no matter what i change, the memories remain.

ive gotten better at taking accountability. ive gotten better at just making the right decisions in the first place. what might be the easy choice is rarely ever the right answer. my brain is sick, but other people shouldnt have to suffer because of it.

i started taking my meds regularly again. its not easy and i feel empty but if thats what keeps the people i love safe then ill do it over and over again. i still remember the last message he ever sent me. he really was trying even after everything.

i catch myself missing him often. its not fair; its actually incredibly selfish. things were not good. we were awful together because of me. i wonder if we had met later on, maybe things wouldve been different.

i doubt it. he was my first true love. if it wasnt with him it wouldve been someone else. thats how i know deep down i was the issue all along.

overall im fine. there is nothing special about me. anyone on the street wouldnt give me a second glance. i no longer feel pride in being "brutally honest". ive learned thats nothing but an excuse for being mean. i just dont see the world like i used to. i am not better than anyone else. i dont need to be.

im glad that im working on being better. im just sorry it happened too late. i couldve been so much more.

nostalgia is a funny thing. i am in love with my past. maybe its because in the end ill always be more comfortable in chaos. maybe its because im scared ill forget the things ive truly loved.

i still write about him. not music. its more poetry. music is alive. everything about him is dead now. like ink on parchment.

in the end, i really want him to know he was what changed me. im glad i no longer cringe away from mirrors. im glad i dont see her in my reflection anymore. he always did feel obligated to fix what was broken. i just wish my brokenness didnt cut into him as deep as it did.

i dont love him. i dont hate him. i just want to be free of who i was when i was with him. but thats the price of destruction.

[chirpsloth]

its been like 17 minutes since i told myself id do homework i need to do it but i just spent all that time reading through all my tumblr post...

god i hate myself

not bc of the homework thing ill get it done but because of just reading the posts

not really i dont think

i just hate myself

but not actually

just a little

maybe i feel bad for myself...

no self pity is lame

god do i hate myself?

when i read the posts i know edxactly what ii was refering to at the time... but i dont think i make my psots easy to decipher all the time

like when i saw the posts that said "im so nervous" and "nervous nancy" followed by the psot a few hours later saying wtf why do i actully have rizz" and then "wtf is wrong with me" im like: oh my god!! i know why i was posting that at the time!! like wowowowow thats how i was feeling thats wild!

i really do feel for myself.. why am i this way???? everyone probably pities themself sometimes.

idk i didnt deserve that... and i shouldnt do that.. wouldnt trade it for anything though. i wont stop though

im not evil im just human

im just learning

im scared for when i reach the age where i cant say that anymore...

is everything gonna be okay?

everything IS okay. i get GREAT grades, i have a good home life, i have 2 close friends, i get to walk and listen to music all the time...

i think that part of it is jealousy but theres always a wishing to get worse you know?

i don't think i'll ever be fejwlfjew but i think thats okay... im happy. i think. edcept for when i think about things too much

i pity myself

i guess i pray to the future me. you know? i wonder if i typed all my old posts knowing that the future me would read them and be like a therapist from another time...telling msyelf not to worry. i think i just did it because i need to say things and i dont have anyone that i call spew all my dumb stuff to without annoying them or making them think im mentally ill which i am not.

plus i need a place to be self centered. i guess this is that... some place hwere i only talk about me. im okay with no one listening irl because i dont want to portray myself as insane. there are some things that can only be written too. i wouldnt want to talk to my therapist about a lot of things because i dont want him thinking im insane. i know thats a therapists job but im saying like theres stuff that i really shouldnt say.. scared maybe. i wanna educate myself on law or soemhitng so i know what my therapist can tell my mother or can get me admitted for.

do i even want help? i seriously dont think so. the better i get the worse i want to get. right now im in a good middle ground. im happy, i dont cause conflict in the house too much, im not exhausting myself, i get things done, life is pretty okay. sometimes i will participate in some efwljfkwel activities though. maybe thats just my way to cope. its not harming anyone,, and i really dont believe its harming the present me too much.

maybe itll harm the future me like how my past decisions currently hurt me. not out of regret but out of pity. it just hurts that i did that... you know?

i really should do my homework but i have time (Not really)

im thinking of doing the bare minimum rn and waking up extra early to finish everytihng up. probably what i wanna do.

i know its only been a week of school since the weekend (weird way to phrase it??) but i need a break. im fine with school its not tiring or anything but god i need a break from life. not like life life but i mean hanging out with people, having things i need to do, etc. i need a week where im all alone. i love my friends but god i need alone time. i always feel so guilty when i dont hang out with them though because i dont wanna be lonely or lose friendships so i find myself hanging out with my friends mainly to "maintain friendships". i love them so much but please i need time.

this post is making me sound so mentally unwell but im doing so fine i promise (who am i promising?)

god

why is my heart rate so fast

lemme count it rq

okay its actually pretty normal its 80-ish bpm but it feels fast

i feel so shaky

i wonder if its the sugar i had earlier... i know some foods or larger amounts of fodos always make my heart feel fast and make me shaky but i havent really discovered what foods those are.

im always so nervous posting on here because what if i say something that makes this all tracable to me. i dont wanna lose opportunities beause of some dumb tumblr posts.

i know i should use like my journal or something but its comforting knowing that this can be viewed by someone for some reason. i mean id be mortified if someone told me they read all my posts but idk. maybe also its nice because i can always lose a physical notebook or lose the passord to my google docs but tumblr is public and i can always look at this tomfoolery from another account. plus this feels less formal. in my actual physical journal im very messy and i get sucked in when i write but its so messy its unreadable, it cramps my hand, and sometimes feels inconvenient. on my actual online journal i established it as something more formal... for life and mental updates for myself. im scared

i dont know why but im so scared

im so so so scared

god why did i just feel like i was about to cry

i want to curl up and cry so loudly in my moms lap while she tells me its okay but i cant i cant i cant. if i did she would think im mentally unwell which im not and id be such an inconvience to her.

last time i cried in her arms she told me that i gotta "say everything" to my therapist and that he can help me. help me with what?? she said that i deserve someone good that can help me? i told her that im normal.. she told me that she didnt want a normal daughter she wanted a happy daughter. i am happy. i just repeated that im normal because i know she sees me as different in some way. i see her as different in soem way too. i think i'd see my sister different than everyone else if i didn't judge her so much. i feel so insensitive but i always invalidate my sisters issues/struggles because i feel like i had it worse and that she has it so well. i konw its so bad and i need to remind myself that... she is a human being, she will struggle, and i should be happy that what i was so used to makes her suffer... im glad she's not used to badness like i was. that makes me sound so emo but you know. i just invalidate her so much.

anways. i think that seeing someone so closely..knowing them almost better than you know yourself will make you see them as less normal. or something. i dont know. i know my mom sees me as different. i doubt she sees my sister as so different than society. maybe its because im socially a little odd. she thinks i try to push people away/unsettle them. i dont. im just awkward around a lot of people. i like telling myself that im not everyones cup of tea. maybe thats just a way to excuse my social stupidity. my best freind always asks me how can i find myself socially stupid if im friends with like everyone. maybe shes right, but i dont think os. im not friends with anyone. weve just been conditioned to be nice to everyone and people are nice to me. yes people trust me, yes i have inside jokes/ get alogn with a lot of people... but do you seriously think i hang out with them outside of school? we use the word freind too loosely. if i never text someone, we only talk in school, and never hang out outside of school... no matter how much we know about each other, no matter if we've seen each other cry, no matter how long we've been "friends," we are NOT friends and thats okay. i try to be agreeable. people think im funny at least.

i need my mom to hug me and let me cry into her arms but i dont want her judging me or worrying about me i just need my mom. god im about to cry. why do i make myself feel this way? this was just supposed to be a post about not doing my homework.. now im writing like a multiparagraph essay. i need to say things. i guess i need to organize my thoughts. speak to the void.

you know i think i write in this because i know that future me will read it... emaning that future me will be alive. meanign that i'll be alive in the future. meaning that everything will be okay. if future me is alive, it means she overcame things, and shes now smarter, and as she's reading these paragraphs, she remembers how she used to feel, and pities her old self once again. and then maybe writes more to the future future me. and the cycle continues. until im dead i guess. maybe someone else.. a child? will work as a future future future x1000 me.. i doubt it. i dont think someone will ever care about me as a person so much as to read everyting ive thought. im currently pretty much just writing my thougts. nothing is organized. im just rambling. i would film a video but i dont have space in my camera roll, and even if i did, i would never want a video of myself saying stuff. some things are better kept written. anwyays. hello future me. and the future me after that. etc. i wonder if im laughing at this in the future. probably... in some time in the future. i bet ill laugh while also pitying my current self. self pity is so lame.

speaking of children. honestly.

door is opening. my moms home. ive been writing for like an hour. homework for tomorrow i guess. ill maintain a convorsation with her while i write. actually maybe ill close my laptop and return to this later. i mean i could use the excuse that this is homework...

[kashimos-hajime]

ABT TO CRY I GET SO SWAMPED UP WITH MY FINALS I FORGET MY COMFORT GETO FIC EXISTS 💔

FIRST OF ALL??? HELP I MISSED SM. GETO ASKS YN OUT, THEY CONFESS TO EACH OTHER AND ARE NOW DATING??? OBVIOUSLY JUST THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG BUT PULLING MY HAIR OUT OVER HERE HOLY CRAP.

okay okay can i just say that out of all the updates you have uploaded by far, the written chapter a few days is just my absolute favourite ever??? it is so amazingly written and paced so well and it left me wanting to tear my hair out (in a good way ofc). the tension, the ‘baby’ (not new) and ‘flower’ (very new and rly rly cute), the way u write yn watching geto dance, aND JUST EVERYTHI NG HELLO???? DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE WALTZ(?) THE KISS THE CONFESSION ASVDHSV MY HEART. and then my ‘things are going too well 🤨’ instinct kicked in and then:

‘He already knows what he’s decided: he can’t tell you. He can’t tell you the truth. Not after this.’

THIS IS GONNA KICK THEM IN THE ASS SO BAD I ALREADY FEEL BAD FOR YN 😭 i rly hope we get to see either (or both) maki and shoko beat satosugu’s asses coz ngl its kinda deserved. also BOOO SUKUNA JAILTIME IDK IF HE DID IT FOR A REASON YN MY BABYGIRL MY LITTLE MEOW MEOW MY BELOVED DESERVED BETTER

and gosh its so nice to see them together now but i can’t even relax because i’m so prepared for geto’s poorly hidden secret to get revealed girl plz go easy on us readers my heart can only take so much :,)

also username kashimos-hajime u write so beautifully i swear once school gives me a break im binging every single thing u’ve ever written i admire whatever time, skill and effort it took to complete such a masterpiece and i would like and reblog every single update a million times if i could.

this is so long i’m so sorry i wanna say more but it doesn’t seem right 😭 thank you for three amazing updates and i hope u are having ur favourite meal rn <333

ur literally the cutest human omg. first off! i hope your finals went well!!! glad you enjoyed getting caught up :)

i really loved writing the written chapter too bc i was like FINALLY they're together 😭😭😭 i wanted them to get it together and the timing just worked out and yeah!! i think because they are so emotionally... immature (is the best way i can put it) neither of them would have the guts to be like "we are going on a date at a restaurant and getting to know each other" LOOOL

(everything every character does in this fic has a reason that isn't just they're a dickhead and mean, including sukuna ;) so we'll see)

and yeah :((( i feel like every day suguru just digs himself into a deeper hole because he finally has someone who understands him really well because yn has a better understanding what the loss of one's own self can do to someone. yn is understanding and fundamentally kind, but she also has a hubris of self-preservation, so the instant getou's truth is revealed, it won't be pretty.

thank you so much for this wonderful ask!! as always, your reviews really brighten up my day and your enthusiasm is really inspiring. thank you!!

[celestialjupe]

Girlblogging: 1/11/23 20:46

Today was weird but chill? i woke up violently hungover, which was surprising. I went to the bar with my dad last night, i had a lemon drop martini and a shot of fireball, from the bar we went to kroger and i got a six pack of these twisted tea things. When i got home i realized they were only 4% so naturally, i drank four as quickly as possible....that was my mistake. It was overall a pretty chill hangover though, i threw up twice and slept my day away. also got my period..slay.

After i woke up i joined a livestream with some of my friends and after a bit decided to take a shower. I have a friend I'm not talking to currently, and today is her birthday and i wrote a message out to send but decided that might be a bad idea. I mean, it's kind of selfish to send a message to someone on their birthday when yall arent talking, right? idk the night is young and i don't want to throw her off by sending a message, i do feel shitty though, about the whole situation, mainly because im so confused lmao. Overall, i figured if she wanted me to say something then we would probably still be talking right? Plus, all i could think of was everytime a friend of mine gets a message from someone they aren't talking to on their birthday, and they never feel good about the message, regardless if the gesture was genuine. So overall it seems like something you do when you just want to make yourself feel good, but there's a lack of self awareness in taking that sort of action i think. It does suck though, but I'm okay with that, i just hope she enjoys her birthday and idk i hope it's the best one yet because she deserves the best.

Anyways, i think the playlist i put together for january is actually so good. I always like my monthly playlists obviously, but this one is really matching my mood so far. I've listened to it all the way through a few times already, which i usually never really do, at least not in one day. I'm going to catch up tonight and do my laundry and clean my bathroom. my room is still clean, but i could organize it a bit more. I'm a lot happier since i've stopped transiting my 8-12 houses, right now im transiting through my first house so thats been nice and i feel like i am finding a lot out about myself. I'm also so so happy that the holidays are finally over. It's nice to have alone time again, i always feel completely strung out by thanksgiving, and then comes christmas. It's torture! i dont get it! I did have a good christmas this year though, i think im starting to understand my extended family on a new level and thats so cool. Regardless, i think I'd rather chill alone, but i feel guilty about that obviously , because i do love and care for my family, especially as i get older. Memories soften, ya know? Thanksgiving was hard though, november in general was hard. And seeing everyone just really highlighted this rejection wound which kind of sucks because you sit there and you wonder why you're so different from all of your family, and you wonder why that difference makes it hard for them to talk to you, and then you wonder how they knew about that difference before you did. THEN you have to realize that no one is talking to you because you're the one being quiet, sitting there overanalyzing everything, when its supposed to be easy. Talking to your family is supposed to happen naturally and smoothly, and you're the one with the problem because for you it doesn't come naturally. Tough, girthy pill to swallow but i think i finally got it down this thanksgiving, because christmas came with ease. So, I'm thankful for that.

I also think the amount that i think is rotting my brain. Like shhhhh...shh...shh stop talking to yourself and start doing actual things. Actual things are fun, sitting in the same spot for hours and reminiscing on every negative experience you've ever had is not fun. I also heard something the other day thats maybe kind of silly, but it put a lot into perspective for me. Someone said that the way you spend your day to day is the way you live your life. first of all, duh. second of all thats literally the most profound discovery and i can't believe i haven't thought of that! what the fuck? So, I've really been putting in an effort to be more mindful and present instead of living in my head because im getting nothing done with that. I'm thinking of sobering up too, at least with alcohol. The hangovers are not worth it, and i just feel like it's not as fun as it used to be, plus i think i have a bad handle on my limitations. I don't get extremely white girl wasted or anything, but theres been a few times where i start to pass out and i worry that i might have given myself alcohol poisoning and my dad is gonna find me dead and drunk and that would be terrible i would be dead but i would still feel so bad if my dad had to find me, like fucking idiot!!! anyways yeah, plus being drunk is like, the opposite of being mindful and present. So it seems i have more reasons to sober up than to not sober up, drinking doesn't really serve me. Just like psychedelics always drag me down a bit, at least acid does really really drag me down. Acid is confusing because the entire time you're on it you're just like, jesus christ why did i do this? SIX MORE HOURS? oh god what if it never ends, what if this is just my life now? and then you still take it again, i don't get what that's all about. I haven't done acid since july, and that trip was cool but it also kind of sucked. It made me really self-concious and reclusive afterwards. Then i did shrooms a few times and stopped in august. My shroom trips are usually pretty cool, shroom trips are just like: YOU HAVe A LIFE!!! YOU FUCK!!! A LIIIIFEEE!!!!!!! The last time i did them, it hit me in the shower, and i knew i had done too much, but the good thing about shrooms is you can just watch fantasia and then its pretty much over, so thats what i did. I sat in my bed and just focused on fantasia, which is one of my favorite movies now, it's impossible to have a bad trip to fantasia. After fantasia i had this realization that i spend a lot of my time being miserable, so i just decided to not be miserable anymore. It's not quite that easy, especially when you're insane, but it did help! I think i might watch fantasia tonight actually, im overdue for a rewatch.

That's all i have for today. Thank you if you took the time to read! please eat well, stay hydrated, and focus on what you love!!

[thekhoei]

i just realized that john is the only one i put as a human, while other 3 were varies as natural inherent characters sort of. it doesnt mean the other 3 are less human than john bc i didnt put any meaning like that on the writing, but rather the way i view him. this is more like sharing my perspective of each members of the beatles, but the special episode belongs to john as he is an interesting charismatic almost impenetrable mindset serpentine behavior deceitful craft bewildering inmost spirit and soul to me (i honestly do not know if the terms and the concepts of spirit and soul are distinguish or not.) i also put many big words as partly english is my second language and i dont fully understand all those words, partly i try to find any words that can virtually touch on the way i see him, and partly is because i dont think any word are enough to help me describe him, or im just not good at english. i mean john is a thought provoking case study for me i didnt not think of him that much just to write this long ass paragraph. i personally have a lot of specific feelings towards him that i havent shared.

anyway. pretty sum up how passionate if not obsessed i am about this dead man that is years older than my grandparents. i hate how this fandom is what im most enthusiast in. now we go onto the real subject. i have seen so many interpretations (now im questioning if im using the right word or not) of each member of the beatles/objects that you guys tagged them with, and i cannot say im not enjoying it. to see many perspectives of one through many lens of experience. thats what making me sharing this vision of mine. i havent changed a slightly bit of the way i see them in the previous post, but id love to grow it like a seed to a tree. i still havent got any idea to explain it properly because its a vague piece of mind in my head rn but i will give it a try. tbh i feel like john is the most human among them all. and again it isnt like the others are less human than him. we always have an image of an approachable down to earth ringo, a merely one and only george harrison who is, to an asian, very much easy to get a grip on his spiritualism bc most of us follow that belief, even though i am sort of like agnostic. or paul. he shows us many sides of him that like, idk how to put it into words, but the kind of "pr man" like him isnt that hard to understand him/view him similar/close to us. its not like who is more complicated competition but, we all can agree john is the one who was misunderstood the most. even now i still see bullshit hot takes about a dead man from 44 years ago that isnt like already wellknown among the fans. and that is what make him the most human. i feel like i can touch his soul idk maybe im just delusional. the behavior, the thinking, the way he showed off, everything is purely instinctive and full of sentience that people like us who have been learning of how to control our behavior and act with common sense, self awareness and cognitive thinking would find it strange abnormal unusual. and we cant deny that some of us can admit to find it embarrassing to be so different, yet so close to the root of human. during the late half of his life before the death's knock on his door, we usually see a john lennon without self-control, a john lennon with crazy mind, head is always in the clouds and high on drugs. until now some if not so many people still hold that kind of grudge and hatred towards him that they did not bother to understand him. like its fine im not asking you to but life would be more gentle if one actually use love to know a person so 🤷 anw that is what makes me see johnny as an astronaut, yearning to understand the others and himself, and desiring to be acknowledged his depth inside by the universe. i love how he said yoko is like him but an opposite gender. its already tell how much he wanted to be understood. his previous relationships tell that also. even cynthia knows. he is just floating around without self-control, a real nowhere man. im not the only one who point this out. to see john as an astronaut, who lost him ship due to an explode, knowing hes only got a few time remaining alive yet he would just thrive not knowing where to go instinctively, is the closest i could get. he alone the only human in-between the complex of his friends, who still get us to explore about their depth of soul after like 60 years until their deathbeds. he tryna learn about that enormous nature around him, yet he knows he cant touch the end, and he didnt even know what to do. now idk what point am i getting to lmao.

like everyone else if i get a chance i would hug him the tightest hug, i would let him know how much i love him, i would take care of him and do everything to make him feel loved. but if not for what happened, would we still have today? i wouldnt know

man idk what get me into yapping this much perhaps migraine or sort of i hate myself sometiems yknow. pardon my grammar mistae bc i didnt check i just write what im thinking now im sleep like john in that one pic mimimimimi

my interpretation of beatles and the concept of universe: while paul and geo is the sun and the moon, john to me is an astronaut who is floating in the universe. he feels the apocalypse of his life has come near, yet he doesn't care that much. he only wants to explore the emptiness of a rich of so many void. he is lonely, but at the same time he feels the warm of that loneliness in that vast field of stars and he suddenly doesnt feel alone anymore. while starr is literally named starr, he should be a star right? but to me he is the ocean. the last piece of the band who gets along the same line with the other, like how similar is the sea to the universe. we all know the universe is so infinite and mysterious. while whenever thinking of going to the beach, to the seaside, swimming in the ocean, we only think about fun. like how starr is potrayed as the band's clown and all. but the sea also have its depth and enigmatic charisma, and human also yearn to learn about the darkness inside that big void like how they want to touch the moon. starr is that little starfish who dreams to belong to the sky, and at the end he is. john wants to be the sun, but he is just a nowhere man. paul desires to follow the sun, he is the fool on the hill yearning to be one. "the quiet beatles" the shining moon with soulful notions. and the fresh wave in a summer day and night, the one and only star (no pun intended lmao 😔)

[cinefairy]

AFFIRMATIONS FOR EVERYTHING YOU COULD EVER ASK FOR

DESIRED FACE

• i manifest my desired face so quickly

• i literally look like (df)

• wait hold tf up! i look so beautiful now that i have my desired face

• im such a master at manifesting- look at me! i literally manifested my df.

• can we please talk about how i look like a model rn?

• people stop on the street whilst walking cus they’re so mesmerised by my beautiful face

• people say i look like (df) so much. they wont leave me alone !!!

• i literally manifested my df so quickly and easily also effortlessly

• how did i manifest my df so quickly? oh wait ik cus i am smart, sexy and beautiful.

• i am my own version of a dream persona

• i just love the way i look. i look so beautiful. i always stop and stare at myself in the mirror, i mean why wouldnt i? im so hot.

DESIRED BODY

• i am the exact replica of my desired body

• i always admire my body in the mirror

• my body is so beautiful.

• i love every inch of my body

• my body looks so good in every angle

• it was soo easy for me to manifest my desired body

• i am so proud of myself for manifesting my desired body! look how great i look.

• people keep telling me how my ass looks good in these jeans..like idk ! im just perfect

• i have such a perfect body- like i have the same body as those girls on instagram but BETTER obviously.

• i manifested my desired body so effortlessly..and it paid off!

• i cant believe how great my body looks. in every aspect, from my boobs down to my toes.

DESIRED AURA

• i have my desired aura

• people say i give off this lily rose depp vibe

• i successfully manifested my ideal aura

• i give off this early adriana lima vibes

• people say im a nepotism baby. im like yeah! i am.

• i exlude rich and wealth

• i give off this sexy feminine vibe

• people say i remind them of early 2000s models

SELF CONCEPT

• i have the best self concept in the world

• im always confident in all my manifestations

• everything in life is so easy for me

• every aspect in life feels like a dream

• i love my life

• everyone who talks to me is blessed

• people talk to me with such kindness and grace

• when people meet me, they instantly think i am so kind

• i am wealthy, pretty, sexy and smart (obviously)

• its so crazy how everything i think of comes to me so quickly, i really am a magician or some shit like

• my mind is so powerful.

• i am so powerful.

• literally all i could ever ask for, I HAVE.

• my life is so amazing

• people have me on their pinterest boards because they’re so inspired to be me

• i inspire myself everyday

• i become prettier and prettier every single time i breathe

• i am becoming a powerful divine human being

• my manifestation is inevitable no matter what

• i never doubt because i dont need to

SPECIFIC PERSON

• me and sp are together

• sp is always in my dms, wanting to talk to me

• i have the best relationship with my sp

• my sp treats me with the kindness i deserve

• my sp loves me and treats me right

• my sp spoils me and buys me everything i desire

• i love how me and my sp get along so well

• me and my sp are dream goals

• me and my sp never argue, we always get along healthily and well.

• my sp is madly in love with me

• me and my sp have an amazing relationship

• my sp only has eyes for me

• my sp and i have such an amazing bond

• my sp always gives me cuddles

• we have such a strong relationship

• my sp loves and accepts me in every way

• my sp and i have the best sex life and always keep it interesting

• my sp and i have a toxic free relationship

PERFECT SCHOOL LIFE

• i have the most perfect school life

• i have an amazing friendship group in and out of school

• all of my teachers love me

• i get the best grades in school

• i get straight A’s

• i never fail. i cant.

• i never get pushed in the hallway

• im always on time for classes

• i do online classes (optional)

• i am free from bullying or any toxicity in school

• i romanticize how i study, like blair waldorf!

• i literally love school- im so smart

• my school uniform fits me perfectly and it looks so nice on me

• im in my desired classes and i excel at them

• i always get praise whether thats from my parents or from my teachers

• i dont stress cus of school, i dont have to. i complete my homework and always meet the deadlines.

BEAUTY

• i feel so beautiful and i AM beautiful

• i am extremely beautiful

• i am goddess level beautiful

• i am so lucky to be this goregous

• i am nothing but beauty and brains ofc

• literally i am the prettiest person you’ll ever meet

• you’re stunned when you see me

• my beauty is out of this world

• i have pretty privilege

• i am so grateful that i am blessed with good looks

• its crazy how i am even real. i look like a goddess

• i look amazing in every outfit i wear even the “ugly outfits”

• i walk like im a model because I AM A MODEL

PERFECT FAMILY

• my family is so perfect

• everyone in my family treats me with the upmost respect

• me and my family never argue

• my family is there to always cheer me on, even on my bad days

• i have such a positive family

• me ans my family get a long so well

• me and family never fight, or do anything to harm each other

• me and family support one another, no matter our differences.

• my family accepts me for who i am

• my family loves to buy expensive things for me.

• my parents always give me praise

• my family makes me so happy, im so glad to be apart of this wonderful family

• i love how toxic free my family is

• im grateful for how my family have matured and evolved into better people

MONEY

• i am so wealthy

• i never have any struggles when it comes to money

• the bills are ALWAYS PAID

• i am motherfucking rich

• i am always rich, it never goes

• i always spend money, without even thinking

• im so glad to be so rich and pretty

• i am MILLION DOLLAR RICH.

• i can never stop making money

• i get £100 everyday without even doing anything

• im so grateful that im rich asf like yaay i can buy anything i want now

• its amazing how fucking rich i am, like im so sorry for being this stupid rich

• im as rich as chanel oberlin.

• all my stresses are out the door and the money keeps piling in

• im keeping up with this rihanna rich lifestyle

[weirdmageddon]

five years too late let’s analyze this. the commentary has gotten me back into gravity falls reigniting thoughts and insights i came to years ago

i love everything about this commentary in general it hits the points of humor, genuine analysis of the characters, but most of all im so glad hirsch addressed that the droid not detecting any fear from dipper here doesnt make any scientific sense because that was a massive CinemaSins moment for me

IDK the fact that dipper can fucking stand after an airship crash because theres a bigger threat at hand is literally one of the defining capabilities owed to adrenaline lol...... IM SORRY im a biopsychology student if i dont point that out iwill seethe and die because that was just . its a grudge ive held for a long time about this episode but didnt rant about because it was something so minor and i’m sure nobody would care.

i was 13 when this episode came out and i’m almost 19 now, i had a special interest in biology and i still do but now i’m actually having college classes in biopsychology so i can give my arguments more oomph now. and i have to say, now that i know more about the brain and autonomic nervous system the more this scene bugs me, if that was even possible. and it says a lot of dipper and ford’s relationship.

if dipper clearly wasnt calm before, why would he be now just because he’s put up an outwardly confident facade? before he was in the flight but now hes in the fight. my boy just rode on top of a spaceship by nothing but a magnet gun that could detach at any time if it failed and then the ship crashed, he sustained injuries, is in emotional turmoil because he thinks his uncle is Fucking Dead and the threat of a security droid that detects adrenaline is on his tail and produces a Big Fucking Gun in response to dipper saying “i hAvE a MaGNeT gUn” and hes screaming and has his teeth clenched but sure there’s no adrenaline coursing through his body in that moment i can totally believe that

when dipper asks what happened, ford says “the orb didn’t detect any chemical signs of fear, it assumed the threat was neutralized and self-disassembled” but i don’t think measuring someone’s heartbeat alone is particularly relevant in detecting ... chemical signs of fear?? they dont really tell you this shit but noradrenaline (and maybe adrenaline too if the acetylcholine from sympathetic outflow always activates the adrenal medulla??, theres two pathways) is always active in small quantities to make sure your parasympathetic nervous system doesnt slow your heart to dangerous levels on its own, regardless of your emotions. it’s just a homeostatic mechanism. your sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems are CONSTANTLY modulating control of your organs on a see-saw, literally with every breath you take. simply standing upright causes specialized mechanoreceptor neurons in blood vessels to signal your brain to project signals to release catecholamines via the sympathetic nervous system to constrict your blood vessels so that blood is able to reach your brain and not pool in your legs. i have a deficiency in my body’s ability to adapt to this which is why i know so much about it. if i stand up my heart races to compensate. i’m not feeling fear, my body is just adjusting—albeit grossly and incompetently lol.

but what im saying here is that the security system is flawed. it’s a cool idea to have security droids detect fear, but in practice by detecting adrenaline, and not even directly by detecting the molecule itself—it’s done in a roundabout way by reading the heartbeat, could be a recipe for false alarms. like what if someone’s on beta-blockers. that’s not really an adequate way to measure “fear”; there’s so many variables that could interfere with the measurement the farther you abstract from what you’re really trying to detect. and besides, adrenaline is NOT just a sign of fear, it’s just for preparing the body for action. i know the sympathetic nervous system and adrenaline is constantly linked with the “fight-or-flight” reaponse to a stressor, but 99.9% of the time the sympathetic nervous system is used in your life is to balance out your parasympathetic nervous system to maintain homeostatic equilibrium for mundane things.

i think detecting amygdalar activation would be more efficient in detecting fear. the amygdala sends projections to the hypothalamus which then in turn modulates the autonomic nervous systems. but the amygdala is intensely activated specifically in response to a fear-inducing stimulus (it does activate in response to other emotions but they’re mostly negative and is most activated by startle and fear), and wouldnt be highly activated by many other confounding variables like measurement of the heartbeat could be. the amygala is one of the first stops directly from external stimuli.

to show you how integrated the amygdala is as the first step in registering fear after receiving input from sensory stimuli let’s look at the auditory-amygdala connection for example

see how the auditory thalamus projects to the primary auditory cortex and auditory association cortex? the cortex is where conscious awareness of what the stimuli is comes from. this is the “high road”. it goes sensing -> perception -> emotional response. but sometimes you can be startled without even processing what it is you’re sensing, like the startle response of an alarm or a phone ringing in a quiet house before you even register what it is. this goes sensing -> emotional response, without perception happening until after you’ve already felt the startle. that’s when it takes the “low road”. here’s a simplified version:

even if that were the case with these droids though it’s obvious dipper is still fearful on some level here. his body language, voice, expressions all give it away. for the amygdala, aggression isnt too off from fear so it would be detected equally.

the reason this is so important is because ford uses this as evidence for why dipper is special, “i did it?” “you did it. this is what i was talking about, how many 12 year olds do you think are capable of doing what you’ve just done?”

but like....did he really? i’m not saying this to shoot dipper down or make him out to be more of a wuss, he was incredibly strong-willed here and i dont want to take that away from him because it WAS growth on his part. but the underlying psychophysiological reactions of aggression and fear shouldn’t be that different and this was a total asspull. maybe the droid was so old that it fucked up. maybe dipper being covered in grime and dirt made it harder for the droid to measure the correct heart rate through photoplethysmography (im assuming since they use a camera and are non-contact).

and in all honesty everything i just said brings into question the interpersonal healthiness of ford’s judgements, what he thinks, his expectations, and how he communicates that. in this video alex already talks about how ford is projecting onto dipper. and i think ford may be projecting his expectations for himself onto people who are not him, and the fact that it’s on dipper here makes it far more unfortunate. you realize how much this boy idolizes ford, right? how much impressions matter? dipper even tells himself before he leaves in this same episode, “all right dipper, this is your first big mission with great uncle ford. don’t mess this up.”

even though it’s unstated, the implicit message dipper is perceiving from ford based on their dynamic is: “do you have what it takes for me to be proud of you?” and to accomplish this he must be like ford, even though he’s clearly not and he knows this. he says “i don’t think have what it takes. i was tricked by bill, i was wrong about stan’s portal, heck, i can’t even operate this magnet gun right.” then, by simple chance without even knowing what he did, he activates the magnet gun and pulls out the adhesive, which immediately takes the focus away from what dipper was telling ford about his feelings of inadequacy to ford saying, “yes! dipper, you found the adhesive!”

these thoughts of dipper’s hang in the air without resolve or comment from ford. we don’t know what ford would have said. but it then becomes painfully self-evident in the scene immediately after when the droids emerge and ford tells dipper, “they’re security droids and they detect adrenaline. you simply have to not feel any fear and they won’t see you”, to which dipper replies with an exasperated (and rightful) “WHAT?”

dipper goes in a panic trying to indirectly tell his uncle that this isn’t something he can do. and he is completely right and valid to be freaked out by that full stop. that IS crazy. you can’t control your fear. you can control how you interpret that fear in your higher brain regions but the physiological changes will stick around for longer than it takes to cognitively calm down. it’s easy for me to detach from my emotions to analyze them, but being able to do this does not come naturally for everyone. even i have an irrational fear of wasps and i can’t control it by detaching myself, my body is just automatically primed to get the fuck out of there. i know it’s stupid and i know it’s irrational and isn’t helpful to get myself worked up but i literally can’t stop how my body reacts no matter how i cognitively think about it. expecting composure from dipper in a situation like this when he’s being made to consciously be aware of his anxiety is absolutely fucking insane. look what you did, placing these cruel expectations on him, now he’s afraid of being afraid! this isn’t a case where two wrongs cancel out, they just stack on top of each other.

there’s a good reason these scenes were put side by side but it seems up until now it had remained unanalyzed.

what dipper fears from ford is disappointment. not living up to his uncle’s (quite frankly badly placed) expectations for a twelve year old with anxiety. not once did ford say or subliminally communicate “i don’t expect you to be able to do what i can since you are not as experienced as i am and that’s perfectly okay, no judgements”. you don’t put a child on bike before training wheels. you don’t throw a kid into a swimming pool without giving them swimming lessons. the way ford is doing it, there’s no room for trial and error or mistakes that are an opportunity to grow and learn; instead, it’s life or death. he only seems to pride dipper on what he can do while ignoring the underlying struggles that plague him and never making it known it’s okay for dipper to fail in front of his hero and that he won’t think anything less of him for it.

and that’s why i found the ending scene for dipper and ford’s adventure in this episode to feel so.. wrong. on a scientific and social level. because by the sound of it ford focused more on what dipper had done to dismantle the droid (the droid not detecting any fear) instead of how dipper displayed love and protection for him even if he was truly afraid. what if the science was accurate and the droid detected adrenaline while dipper was confidently standing up for his uncle. would ford still be proud of him regardless?

[the-official-account]

[ID: Above, the meme image "I know this and I love you" edited to say "I see this and I love you, but hush.

Below, an image reading "filter that makes me not long winded" flipped upside down, to illustrate the succinct version is above.]

(this commentary for sure contains spoilers, just SO many)

This post is an oversimplification because it is a joke, but wheeeeew do i have thoughts as someone who is currently on rough, terms with a friend for similar reasons to Anya, and who read The Vanishing Half and who is both capable of loving actual assholes characters but doesn't actually think spar's a jerk just because he acts like an ass sometimes

Like. There's so many layers here. Especially knowing how altered people were treated before the war? I can't help but wonder if, if spar's parents were still around, they would have been able to warn him:

"These institutions try to define greatness and then make themselves the only paths to reach it but the true definition of greatness is closer to a precise, intentional subversion that can never be achieved to the full love and approval of your oppressors and i promise that, eventually, knowing this will stop hurting"

But you know. sometimes people learn that shit the hard way. and thats okay #and i understand where anya is coming from but it hurts me that her first thought was

"He hates us now, he hates me"

and not

"Spar dont you see these people sre poisoning everything you admire about yourself?"

and of course anya is more than just a supporter to spar but idk! it can mean a lot to hear "im still here. I don't like where you're at right now but i'll always be here because one day you'll start to question if this is the only way towards a future where you are loved: if the only way is to be someone other than yourself.

"And when everyone is telling you that's true it takes a nigh-insurmountable amount of strength and knowledge, to believe in something better: your own inherent worth but it easier when there's someone around to remind you you aren't crazy....in any way that invalidates your expirience, at least."

ANYWAYS GHOSTPOSTING THIS @ MY FRIEND <3<3<3 SIGH. but you get the idea. Or, if not, the idea is that I'm SO biased here and my assessment of ''the right way all obstacles ignored'' might be wrong! I'm down to see

But PWIs, fantasy-ones or no, can function like a...weird distortion of a cult. depending on how you navigate them, and i can see how spar would be SO vulnerable to that as someone with a legacy to live up to. that shit makes you SO easy to manipulate.

So ultimately, I feel that the right question is "hey why are you isolating like this are you ok??" (Knowing that self-isolating can take MANY forms and one that is actually very common is acting like an asshole to push people away on purpose they're less likely to notice its an isolating behavior at all #caineveThings) and not "do you not like me anymore?"

But there's ABSOLUTELY no way one could expect anya to know that. Especially not with her dad being the way he in (in fact the way in which he's extreme could've actively shaped Anya's assessment and her willingness to write Soar off as a loss she'll keep mourning forever rather than ...well) and her overeliance on her ability just makes her more convinced of her initial assessment.

Its so sticky. It's a really sticky situation. And I'm really, really loving it.

Anyways I'm tagging @threeheartscast and @citrusandsalt because this seems like the kinda post y'all would like but don't tell me if I'm hot or cold! I wanna find out!

Me: haha spar is kinda awful! I love learning how he reacts under pressure I wonder how else he's an ass

Anya in tempest and the teapot:

Me:

[kaissauce]

okay, phucker, do it

ok let's do this @rolli-zolli @ninikins

Horrortale: technically an alternate timeline instead of au. after a neutral run where undyne's queen the core malfunctions and food becomes scarce and people resort to eating humans because sans suggested it. Aliza is the protag. latest thing that happened in the ongoing comic was Aliza agreeing to go with Papyrus to solve his last puzzle. as for the appearance of sans he has a HUGE hole on his head and a red eye. he got the hole from undyne when she got his magic eye which was going to be used to power the core. sans didnt die tho and killed the guards holding him down and just took whatever eye was on the ground and used it as a replacement for his magic eye that's powering the core. i quote first words he said after putting the eye in his socket "who the fuck took my phone?". then the magic eye went apeshit and broke the core again. oh and also he made alphys braindead by quite literally scrambling her brain. yeah this au is rough sans hasn't really eaten anything since the core was destroyed since he decided not to eat any humans.

Dusttale: i think this was originally a korean au? basic rundown: too many genocide runs sans goes apeshit and tries to get his Lv up by killing monsters himself man went fuckin insane kills his brother blah blah blah edgy angsty au the ghost of papyrus haunts him n stuff. sans literally just looks the same except he has his hood on and sometimes artists draw him with papyrus's scarf. the cool artists draw him with his hood on and has the hood completely cover his face so u can only see his glowing pupils. although people call him dust sans he's actually named murder sans

Killer: so frickin similar to dusttale except sans goes apeshit because of the human being like "join me lmao". three different outcomes come from this. i think it was 1 sans joins human 2 sans joins human kills human later on 3 kills human or something. friends with color sans who is basically his impulse control. pretty sure his soul's fucked up and Color sans tries to make his soul un-fucked but Nightmare comes in and fucks up the progress. he has white shorts, his eye sockets are constantly pitch black and leaking tar or something also has a weird target thingy on his chest. OH YEAH ALSO HE HAS BEEF WITH UNDERSWAP SANS ALMOST FORGOT. basically swap sans tried to make killer good and then they had a fight, swap sans lost and was on the verge of dying thankfully swap papyrus was able to save him in time i think

Dreamtale: Dream isn't in the drawing but his brother, Nightmare is. Sooo he used to not look all goooy and have tentacles n stuff but then he ate a couple hundred apples and yeah. he's six years old apparently. Nightmare and Dream are supposed to be guardians of a tree that has 500 golden apples and 500 black n goopy apples. the golden aples are positive and the goop ones are negative. you're not supposed to eat either of them cus bad shit happens. Dream and Nightmare live in a village and for whatever reason they're all dicks to Nightmare because ooughh he's the guardian of negativity that's not baller. he also goes apeshit (do u see a pattern here) and eats a goopy apple n then becomes the goop man he is today. he fuckin eats 999 apples jesus christ. and the last one is eaten by Dream because if u eat all 1000 apples u become unstoppable and immortal. so that would be a bad thing if nightmare got the last one. wop wop wop these dude aren't sanses they only have the body of one if that makes sanse.

Error: manlet. he's literally an error and that's why he's like that. also he's technically not a sans now, the redesign for him was so that he could be in the creator's webcomic named Lucidia. Error sans, aka the destroyer of aus, finds aus to be mistakes so he tries to get rid of them. his process of doing this is simple: get the human soul to the void so that they can't reset, destroy the au. he primarily attacks using his strings which can wrap around one's soul and control them. he like some aus like outertale because of how open and empty it is. he likes to be alone and has haphephobia. if u touch him he'll glitch out and possibly crash. he crashes whenever gets overwhelmed. said crashing causes him to shut down and reboot and he's powerless while doing so. he's actually pretty easy to beat if you know how to push his buttons the right way. in the og ask error blog made by his creator Loverofpiggies he kidnaps Swap sans who tries to help Error become a better person. this ends horribly as error leaves Swap sans in the void who then becomes an error aswell due to being alone in the void too long. Error actually regrets doing that to swap sans

Aftertale: OK FUN FACT THE SANS OF THIS AU, WHO'S NICKNAMED "Geno" IS ERROR. aftertale is a comic made by LoverofPiggies it's been SOOOO long since i last read it so i cant really give a good summary. but anyways Geno is trapped in the loading screen with the human and will die if he leaves the loading screen. eventually from being in the loading screen for too long after the events of aftertale he becomes Error.

OOF WOWIE THERE'S SO MUCH TO GO

Underfresh: he's not even a sans either. "Fresh" is a parasite inhabiting a skeleton. his birthday is on 4/20 which is ironic cus he doesn't like drugs. he censors swears. he speaks 90's lingo and dresses like a neon sign. for some reason he has eyebrows and a gold tooth. the glasses he has can change text but normally defaults to "YOLO". he can't feel anything since he has no soul of his own and just latches onto the host's. instead he learns how to act from the people around him. not being able to feel actually bothers him a LOT

Echotale: Aka Gaster sans. uhhh this one was also a comic if i remember correctly. basically Frisk and G!Sans are the only ones in the au and they're trying to find the core to fix the fucked up timeline that they're in but the core keeps changing positions so that sucks.

Swapfell: originally made by Khhoppang who left social media. Started out as an Alphys x Undyne au so only those two were designed but Kh was planning to design more of the characters. before they could people had a field day with the idea of mashing two aus together and SO many people came up with their own designs for sans and papyrus. Khhoppang left social media because they got overwhelmed with all the art reposters and stuff, pretty sad. the appearance of the sans in that au is the purple one with a scythe (i dont think he has a scythe in the og design).

Swapfell Red: so basically this is the swapfell made by people that isn't Khhoppang. community made per se. Sans's appearance changes constantly because as said before many people made many different designs. typically he just looks like Swap sans but with red high heel boots and his color scheme fits underfell

Fellswap (gold): Au made by blackggggum. so swapfell is underswap turned fell, fell swap is underfell swapped it takes a bit to understand that. his appearance is somewhat similar to Swapfell red. He's kind to his friends but if ur his enemy he'll fucking deck you. he's blind in his left eye, the leader of the royal guard, and secretly into dressmaking. fun fact in this au Papyrus has autism

Xtale: uuuuhhhh so Cross is a complicated one. he's part of the royal guard along with papyrus. has beef with xgaster. responsible for the downfall of his au and then Underverse happens and Ink is all "oh cool someone to mess with" and they became friends for a bit then shit hit the fan

Underfell: OOOOO YES UNIRONICALLY ONE OF MY FAVORITES. So Underfell sans is actually a very powerful mf and constantly has his magic eye activated because he has so much magic. This au is also technically an alternate timeline where monsters "lost their humanity" as the creator put it. so basically trust in the underground is scarce. Sans and papyrus, contrary to many interpretations i fucking hate, are actually on good terms (and no sans doesn't call papyrus "boss" the creator said if he does he'd do it ironically and papyrus would hate it). Fun facts he pays Grillby in socks (grillby accepts the socks as payment and wears them), if u make grillby laugh he gives u a jacket that looks like his and it's heavily implied that sans made him laugh because their jackets are similar

Underswap: ah yes another classic that i love as well. originally made by PopcornPr1nce who fled social media because they hated how the majority fandom treated Underswap (Blueberry and Carrot were popular names for the fanon swap papyrus and sans). Swap sans is constantly infantilized by the community which sucks and i hate it so i draw my own very super cool version of him whom i kin because i am also very super cool.

Outertale: mainly an aesthetic au pretty sure there's no comic of it. basically, instead of underground they in space. outer sans dies in underverse after like minutes of screentime lmao

Epictale: a comic made by Yugogeer. the og comic was retconned and the creator loathes the original version and made a reboot that's much better. Sans actually dies very early in it because Yugo hates how Sans is almost always focused on in aus. also the creator hates how meme-y their sans has become (like him saying bruh every single sentence, using a rubber chicken as a weapon, cookies, etc.) he's friends with Cross but not in canon. He has a purple magic eye that makes him immortal and i think only epic gaster could remove it which is how sans was able to be killed when he fought gaster.

Temmietale: it's undertale but everyone is temmie, don't question it

Trainertale: it's undertale but it's Pokemon, don't question it

Dancetale: it's undertale but you dance instead of fight, don't

Mobtale/Mafiatale: im unsure if mobtale and mafiatale are separate or not but they are very similar. basically undertale but mafia it's self explanatory

Undertale: no clue which au is this one, nope not at all/j

Bittytale or whatever idk: so take sans, make him small. boom. never understood this au

THAT BASTARD INK: HOOO BOY SAVED THE WORST FOR LAST. FUCK THIS GUY/j. THIS DUDE. IS THE REASON IM STILL INTO UNDERTALE AUS. I LOVE EM SO MUCH. also technically not a sans. He comes from an unfinished au and ripped his own soul to escape said au and became an outcode. for so long he was just a soulless husk until someone drew him and he got splashed with paint which let him feel. soon he learned to keep the paint in vials so that he can be able to feel 24/7. And then he learned how to create things with a paintbrush and the paint and spent time alone drawing up his own world until a portal appeared and took him to the multiverse. now he encourages artists to keep creating aus. he's the protector of aus in the sense that he keeps other outcodes from disrupting the script of the au, so if it's pacifist and an outcode tries to kill people he'd stop them, if it's genocide and an outcode tried to help them he'd stop them. no matter what he wants the au to stay on script. fun fact the creator of ink and the creator of error never had them interact with each other in canon, that was all the fandom's doing. Contrary to popular belief he's not really considered "good" his alignment is officially "Chaotic neutral". I personally interpret him a lot more chaotic than in canon because it's fun but he's a pretty chill guy actually. he can just be a bit of an ass sometimes. According to the creator of Ink (who is Comyet) his interpretation in Underverse is not canon compliant. one of the biggest canon things that underverse contradicts is Ink deliberately not taking his vials. if he were to do that in canon he'd become a husk again which is the equivalent of him "dying". he was described as a walking corpse by Comyet, without the vials he can't function anymore. Like Error he's pretty easy to beat if you know his weaknesses. also he has fears of empty spaces and being alone

off topic kinda but i very much love how Error and Ink are opposites yet parallel even though they were completely written without the other in mind. Error believes getting rid of aus is getting rid of anomalies. Ink believes people interfering with aus are anomalies. Error loves emptiness, Ink hates emptiness. list goes on it's funky fresh.

also uhhh sanses missing from that drawing that i can name from the top of my head

Seraphim sans, Insans, Dusttrust, He who shall not be named because he's from an 18+ au, Swapswap (yes. that exists), Storyshift, Inverted Fate (very good au i suggest checking it out), Negatale, Oceantale, Template, Pale, Mafiafell, Farmtale

my phone is at 9% y'all are spared from me going on