#idk i get shit for everything people tell me im selfish for this because of course Everyone wants to live how they want but they cant

[butnotbubblegum]

using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, don’t read them if you’re having a bad day, they’ll probably not help in the slightest.

[restinslices]

Heyyy omg first i wanted to say how much i love the things you write!! Thanks for giving me for free teehee ;p Second... sorry i always feel so awkward when i ask someone to write something that i dream of, like, i'm demanding or being selfish lmaooo im sorry for rambling... SORRY I NEED TO ASK ONLY YOU CAN DO IIITTTTT: So, i was watching Avatar: the legend of aang and there is this part when the group goes to a theater and Katara (the protagonist love interest) sits and then one of the group sits beside her and the protagonist is like "hey can you let me sit there?" its so cute like... SO SORRY, But do you think would be nice a fic, headcanon or anything when the reader is very liked by Kung Lao, Johnny and Kenshi (or any character you like) and they kind fight each other to stay closer to the reader or spend more time with them... Sorry for my bad english i had to let this out...

Idk why my brain was struggling to figure out how to write this but there we are. I hope you like it!

You were waiting for this particular movie for a long time and although you told them that coming with you wasn't necessary and you didn't wanna be a bother, they decided to join anyway 

To you it looks like “wow, my friends are so nice”. To them it's “I can't wait to spend more time- y'all are coming too?!”

The fighting to stay near you begins early on

You ask to ride shotgun and obviously they say yes. Now they're fighting over who drives 

Kung Lao says he can drive because he'll get you there quicker 

Johnny says he can drive because he's the better driver and won't get you arrested (Kung Lao tends to speed)

Kenshi… well… he knows to sit this one out 

None of them get their way though because Raiden ends up driving 

Which annoys all of them because Raiden is the only one who doesn't like you 

Childhood best friends who could only see each other as siblings type of shit. It pisses all of them off because that means Raiden is always near you 

You go to a store to get snacks because who actually buys snacks at the movie theater? 

And they are latched to you

You say to spread out and get whatever candy or snacks they want and they all magically want whatever snacks are in the aisle you're in 

It's pathetic 

Little problem though. You have two sides and it's three of them

There's behind you but it's not the same. It doesn't feel like they're apart of a conversation 

“Everyone thinks I'm blind so to avoid suspicion, I should hold onto you”

Kenshi’s resourceful (I still don't know if he can see now or just in combat) 

That guarantees him a spot by your side 

Now the two most conceded people gotta fight for that next spot 

Johnny immediately slides next to you but Kung Lao squeezes in and pretends he sees candy he really likes 

He actually hates Sweet Tarts but it worked at least 

These two are giving each other funny looks the whole time in the store 

That's pretty much all they do the whole time you're in the store. Just sliding in between each other 

Then you get back in the car and Raiden drives again, which still bothers them 

You get to the theater, get your tickets and get to your room or whatever it's called. Last movie I saw in theaters was Black Widow-

You like sitting in the outer seat though so that means only one person can sit by you 

Raiden goes to sit by you and at this point, they think it's on purpose 

Johnny shoves $20 in his hand and has him sit somewhere else 

So now the other two are mentally booing 

Johnny goes to use the bathroom and Kung Lao sits in his seat, even though you say Johnny is gonna want his spot back 

And of course Johnny comes back and wants Kung Lao to move, which causes a whisper argument and you have to take matters into your own hands and tell them both to move and for Kenshi to sit by you since they wanna be childish 

They legit wanna kill each other now 

“Everything was going fine. Why'd you take my spot?!” “You moved!” “I hate you” “Hate your debt” “Weren't you rejected as the champion?” “Weren't you?”

Kenshi is feeling great though. You guys are whispering and laughing the whole time 

He definitely feels better than the other two 

He makes sure to hold his bladder. Y'all are not finna fuck him over 

The other two are side eyeing him the whole time

They use passing snacks as a way to still chat but you’re like “bro there’s a movie on”

The movie ends and you guys leave and they don't even protest about Raiden driving because they know it is what it is 

They drop you off first and once you're inside, the yelling starts 

Multiple things are revealed 

A) Raiden knew what he was doing. He finds it funny. 

B) Kung Lao and Johnny are now enemies for life 

C) Kenshi believes he has a better chance with you now 

More events will be planned and this will happen all over again so good luck 

Y’all I made a library run and I’m so hype for these books. Y’all don’t understand. I was riding my bike back home with a smile on my face

[blamemma]

what you said about maxiel fanfics with endgame lest4ppen, yes, I agree. someone mentioned this before, but maxiel is slowly dying on ao3 while it seems to be thriving more and more on tumblr.

for me it's 50/50 because I don't mind where I'm reading, but here we have more one-shots and pieces of WIPs (which is good because it means authors don't feel the pressure to turn everything into a 50k story, so they can just post their ideas even if it's incomplete), but I personally LOVE longer stories, so I would love to read more and more about every single one of them.

and personally I just don't like lest4ppen at all. I understand the need to tag maxiel because daniel is the bad guy and the "shitty boyfriend" or whatever, but I just don't like seeing those stories 😬

will always preface asks like this by saying people can like what they like and find joy in whatever, i ain't gunna turn my nose up at anyone or anything, lestappen just doesn't make sense to meeee personally, but honestly whatever butters ur bread!!!

as someone who has dabbled here and there in this writing lark, for me there is a distinct difference in ao3 posting and tumblr posting....ao3 to me is formal, ur presenting something perfect, a fully-fledged story, a beginning a middle and an end (not in all cases but i just mean in general). most stuff i read on ao3 is fully-fledged nuanced ideas that the author has obviously spent hours of time crafting and experimenting with.

tumblr fic is inherently fun and blase and easier to throw out there into the ether and forget about really. tumblr fic doesn't need to follow grammatical rules or structure etc etc....it can just be a fun prompt game response or a quick lil fic that you had fun writing and wanna share with ur people?? both have purposes and both are enjoyable to write imo, just depends on what ur feeling and how much u want to expand on said idea??

when it comes to the maxiel of it all....idk how rude or pointed i can get here without getting into shit....so i'll try and word this gently....you have to keep the eco-system alive....i think comments and kudos are GREAT but honestly, if someone reblogs my fic with a fun few tags, i love that more, because in a selfish way, i might get 1 or 2 more readers from that because its going out to an even wider audience?? but its more than that!! engage with ur writers, message them on here and shout at them about their ideas, send them prompts, recommend their fic to ur friends...but i will stand by i think one of the best things you can do, if they make a fun lil post or graphic for their fic...reblog it...ur not only spreading the maxiel gospel, but ur also supporting that writer?? too many times on here i see people's fic graphics flop yet big blogs are leaving them comments on ao3 and look, EACH TO THEIR OWN and also i can sometimes be a bad reblogger dont get me wrong, but LIKE, there are some wildly talented authors on here who just need to be pushed into the limelight a little bit more??? idk if im wording this correctly, but sometimes there are fics that fall through the cracks because no one engages with them, and if ur an author who has put blood sweat and tears into that fic, ur not exactly going to be motivated to post another maxiel fic if u dont think ur going to get engagement from it (again, fic writing isn't necessarily about engagement or response, but let me tell u when i get a fun little comment or someone messages me about a fic i published, it inspires me to write more????)

maxiel is definitely alive and kicking, i follow some stunningly good maxiel authors, but at the same time, its about pushing forward those smaller writers as well and not thinking ur too cool for them???????????????

and so with that, this flufftober, kinktober, spooktober or whatever tober u are a part of, reblog the fic, talk about the fic and enjoy the fic

[shamelessobjectglitter]

vent

sometimes i wish someone would beat the shit out of me so i would actually feel something other than these pathetic little emotions that dont amount to anything

sure im happy in the moment but as soon as the moment passes im thinking it over in my head and looking at every detail, finding a reason to hurt myself and prove that they all hate me, i want to slit my wrists and die but im too much of a pussy, theres been a stash of meds that could kill me in the bottom of my bag for months, but could isnt good enough i need to know for certain and its not a certainty yet. i feel so selfish for feeling this way, everyone thinks im doing better, though my mum probably knows im not, she always does, but she doesn't do anything and i cant blame her, I've caused her so much pain just for being born.

i cant do anything right, i abandoned my sisters because i couldn't take the manipulation and stalking anymore, i cant be an adult by myself, we couldn't even open a bank account in my name because i have no paperwork in my name, we might lose our benefits just because i want to go to uni, idk how im going to get a job when i cant even handle change, open a bank account, get a 'real' id or live by myself. if i die all my loans go away so my mum won't have to pay them, so it'll be fine if i kill myself during uni.

i can't even listening to shouting without having a panic attack, if theres abuse of any kind i almost pass out and relapse into everything just to numb everything, i cant fucking do anything and i only saw and heard what was happening, maybe he did hit me, its not like i would remember, i can't remember 90% of my childhood and it fucking sucks, but maybe im being dramatic and everyone forgets, im not special and i never will be to anyone, im too fucked up for love , the closest I've ever gotten to a relationship is sending nudes and cutting photos/videos to a pedo who i still talk to because im too attached to let go and he doesn't care im 18 now, its my own fault i even started talking to him, i sought out the abuse at 15 because i wanted something people couldn't disregard, but its not real abuse, he doesn't pressure me to send shit, he just asks and i think about it and cave eventually because i dont want him to leave me, he left me once and i got so much worse, then i got angry at him and said a bunch of stupid shit, turns out his account got deleted and all i needed to do was message him on insta. i could've left it there but im talking to him again now, desperately clinging to the only person who has ever found me attractive, if only because i showed him my underage body and hurt myself for him. It doesn't even count as abuse because i looked for people that'd abuse me and found one, if it was anyone else then I'd tell them it wasn't their fault, because it wouldn't be, but it was mine, i caused this, i cause everything bad that ever happens to me so i don't deserve to complain

[takeru-tenkuuji]

Please do tell us more about your ocs Ikki and Ace bc I too have brainrot about them 👀👀👀 (only if you want to of course) -🟡

anon im so sorry about what im going to subject you and many people to (if they read this (or the attempted version 2 that i tried to recall from memory due to me losing this draft originally, neither of which is advised)

***basically i found this draft lost in god knows where?? its the same but it..sounded more coherent than the other one and i just think itd be silly if i just had both left out there...lol..the only thing updated is that i added an extra doodle. everything else is untouched)

um something something heed suspension of disbelief. like ive warned, this is basically something totally made up in my head to the point that it deviates severely from the work's original intentions and such

but siiiiiiince you aaaaasked (cry) and i am currently sick with the flu so literally sick in the head i will do this until i think oh god, i have to be put down and never come back to the internet because i put my shitty yaoi au in here so in detail

we'll start with adjustments to revice's general plot (lol)

so this is an au where for me, george rly goes for the "make the ultimate kamen rider" guy. his father stays forever an asshole dedicated to finding shit about science, and would only create shit like the weekend to clean up his mess, but not because he feels genuine remorse. this (imo) gives george more reason to continue on hating his dad(?), and thinking he's creating something to surpass him.

george's obsession is created by his father neglecting him in his childhood and leaving him with just kamen rider to watch and play with while he worked. george grows up with a growing vengeance to beat his father at his own game i guess. feeds into a potential narrative parallel with olteca? idk

so george sets his sights on potential candidates: igarashi daiji, and kadota hiromi. both seek some sort of..justice or strength, proving one's worth, (till it all goes horribly wrong via canonical events). and of course, the inheritor of revice, ikki comes into play. george gambles on this.

in this version, they also find that ikki is not just a descendant of giff thanks to his father's genes, but giff's target human vessel. the only reason vail hates vice's guts besides wanting to kill genta's family, because he's protected under giff's will.

giff creates a demon, vice, to inherit all of ikki's memories (at least, the painful ones he doesn't want to remember, but it eventually becomes just, everything lol). vice gets a consciouness, ikki's humanity that wants to protect ikki, but ikki wants to throw away his humanity and becomes an empty kind of guy. vice inherits the desires to be boisterous and selfish, instead of somehow put together and reliable, but instead it makes ikki wonder what the hell he wanted to begin with, and desperately fills in the hole by trying to help people via nosiness, etc. hence the whole volcano form convo i think. idr. LOL

so fast forward to the sorta endish of the season, they destroy giffs body, which is perfect so he can be released from his physical form and move on to vice/ikki. george knows all of this information, and decides it's the perfect setup to test ikki's will to become a kamen rider through the wildest hardship or whatever. so george goes and tells everyone that the igarashis are descendants of giff and spreads fear that even though giff is destroyed, this family exists. shit happens.

of course, happy spa's small but passionate loyal clients try to protect the family and such, but then vice becomes a conduit to transferring giff's consciousness into ikki once he loses all his memories, he transforms into his own demon and starts attacking everyone.

(i tried lol) (sneaking in a new image)

giff has a good hold over ikki till- uh oh. huh. the demon you put all of the human memories is goin a lil crazy. vice, fueled by ikki's memories and intense emotions, alongside giff's uncontrollable power, ends up destroying giff (yay) but takes over ikki's psyche as an absolutely uncontrollable beast.

george, seeing this as a failed experiment, uses his backup plan to be the ultimate kr himself as juuga to defeat ikki, becoming a hero for the public watching and cheering him on. just like kamen rider!

except of course, igarashi family, everyone known through the season, the weekend kids, hiromi try to get through to ikki revisiting their beloved memories with him (gl daiji) while the happy spa friends try to hold back the angry mobs.

ikki begins to regain consciousness and wonder if he really was that kind of guy before

ikki's family is the last to speak to him and of course it's like. fond memories, bad memories, things that they like and hate about him, things that make him him, etc, and give that big ol berserker man a hug.

vice finally speaks up with his piece, revisiting his own individual memories with ikki as his demon, etc.

george is perplexed and livid, but he's not sure why. this would count as a success in his experiment, but not in the way that he thought it would be. the cliches of kr fulfilled(?). and the crowd no longer cheers him on.

ikki regains revice form, no vice because vice has uh. merge merged with him now. fights george, last busybody guy to hit. woooooo ahhh (coughing hacking)

and here comes my oc, post season vice LMFAO. which is just the hbdvd design bc i believe in giving maeda the chance to be just a liddle goth and have a little dangly earring

post canon vice is pretty much a preservation and a box holding ikki's memories, if ikki fights and forgets, he reminds him. but due to inheriting these memories and merging with ikki's messed up post canon soul, he ends up a lot more subdued as ikki no longer gives a shit about being a loud boy and breaking free. he just doesn't want to be alone. LOL (and in caption note, it's preservation vice and destruction ikki ty sorry. ikki in my brain wants to destroy memories, vice preserves them for him) yay. he switches in as easily as kagerou does with daiji, but doesn't like to make much conversation outside.

and FINALLY this is where my other oc (jkjk) ace comes in.

the weird ass movie, revice and geats battle royale whatever, ace uses a desire wish on ikki for him to remember all the battles he's had in place of ikki potentially wishing vice back. (i guess in this au, it'd just be in place of him wishing literally anything better for himself. also vice would absolutely hate that (ace)).

in terms of au material in geats, i believe in evil parents..or more like...morally.....wack ass parents....... like you can't be the goddess of creation that was abused for a silly future man game and not go a little crazy... so to me, the mother that ace seeks is long gone, and when he finds her again before she dies, she tells him they should just fuck up the world (thumbs up) for everything it's done to them. ace is faced with 1) contemplating the human side of him that craved what he believed was family (through keiwa and his sister, the complicated relationship between neon and her family, as well as ikki's) 2) whether he wanted to do anything with his power towards the world because of his mom, what his mom put him through, what the world put them through (hence the tarot card, judgement. the power and the perspective to judge the world?)

i love the ninetailed fox theme sorry so not only is he a white haired anime boy in god form, BUT A FURRY

so in this perspective, ikki and ace represent opposite sides of like..the demon and angel shared blood with human spectrum, and how they go about the world that way. how they see each other is a weird balance that clashes and also completes each other(?)

anyway that's my spiel because im losing brain as we speak and starting to feel the effects of oh god, who the hell is going to read this. if you made it here, im sorry. uhhhhh i love yaoi............

[iwannabeastarstarrockmann]

I was delusional to think this year would be different. TW:SH/ED

why are moms so toxic? i cant remember one birthday in which everything went smoothly ansd i truly felt loved by her. she has always made it clear to me that im not enough, she has sacrificed too much for me, im a waste of space, im a lazy sack of shit and she wished she never had me or my sister.

I just woke up a couple hours ago really excited because she stayed out late last night so I didn't get a chance to talk with her (we were starting to get along weirdly) and my birthday is tomorrow so I wanted to hear what her plans were and instead she yelled at me for not getting up earlier, for not having a job yet, (even though I had to quit my last one because of her and I've been applying for jobs ever since) she said I should stop using being autistic as an excuse because I'm "not really autistic", I'm "completely normal, I'm just a giant asshole"

why would she say that??! and then to make matters worse, a family friend is planning to make me food for tomorrow and so my mom said the least I could do to earn such a gift that I don't deserve, I should go swimming with her in her pool, although I cannot because I recently relapsed heavily and have sh scars all over my arms and legs and I would rather politely decline a swim rather than worrying everyone I know and love. so anyway, I couldn't tell my mom why I couldn't swim so I just said I'm really not feeling up to it and she replied with "okay well then, you're dead to me" and strangely as punishment forbid me from using her shower ever again?? I have a shower, but it's infested with mold, and we didn't find that out until I passed out after a shower, so I think that means I really am dead to her?? ouch!

I'm really sad though, more so because we just bought groceries and now, I may be wasting food because I'm fasting. how can I be a good anorexic though when my fear of wasting food overpowers my fear of gaining?? idk maybe I'll just cook for everyone else on my bday, that is, if I knew anyone to cook for. I also feel bad for not swimming with our friend especially because she is cooking a whole feast for me! something my mother would never be caught dead doing. a lot of my issues with food come from having no structure nor comfort in my household growing up, i went from eating too much to never eating enough. i love it though when i see family friends and they are always telling me that ive gotten too skinny and i need to eat more, and as a result always cook food for me and lecture my mom for not paying attention to me, not that shes obligated to, as im almost 20, but as long as im stuck with her due to finances and just a tad bit of codependency, she should be a little nicer to me right??

am I crazy for thinking that regardless of my age or life situation, when I'm home it should feel like home?? if I were going to college no one would question me for still being here, I'm just trying to save up some money but every time I do, my mom demands to borrow it and then threatens me that she won't pay me back if I don't do this or that for her. did I mention that she always plays the victim too?

she genuinely believes that the world owes her something. she thinks because of her disability, people should bow down to her and cater to her every need! that is so immature! its every man for themselves, if you can't hold yourself accountable, how do you expect your life to improve? doing the same thing over and over with no result gets you nowhere! that's insanity, its naive. I don't want to waste my life catering to her when I spent the first 19 years of my life being the adult and her being the child. I deserved better.

now I just want her to see how terrible of a job she did by rotting away. I don't care anymore, I know that's selfish but I just don't care about anything anymore, I want to starve, I don't want to eat anymore. I know better than to starve myself, but it feels so damn validating when I'm losing weight.

[wjsns]

and u know what im ready to make my full statement on MENG MEI QI too. the situation is so crazy to me, basically now in 2023 some ujung wont even type out her name because 1. cheating scandal (WHERE SHE WAS THE 3RD PARTY, WASNT EVEN THE PERSON TO CHEAT ON SOMEONE) and 2. doesnt mention wjsn ever and to me that is literally HILARIOUS like, god its just soooo funny to watch everyone pile in with the loudest most popular opinion and not do personal critical thinking, or hey, maybe they did and what mmq did really WAS too much for them to still support her but in that case i raise an eyebrow because idk… a lottt of yall are the same people who will get online and write about loving evil women and letting girls be shitty etc etc and she literally gives you what you asked for on a silver PLATTER, like doing nothing cancellable just giving us a good wholesome woman being evil and selfish and obsessed w herself and everyone turns on her!!!! sorry shes not fucking chuu lmao!? (ilu chuu no hate but there is space for good AND evil girls in my heart😇) im sorry im SO unbothered by her being the other woman in a cheating scandal like i cant imagine something mattering less to me and it actually made me super happy to confirm she fucks even tho the guy was ugly😇 but i said kinda most of this already so SECOND OF ALL about her not mentioning wjsn and shit… another thing i literally have NO problem with?? again, like…… no one was more distraught than me at what happened to ot13 but these are REAL PEOOLEEEEEEEEEE?!????!??? i’ve said this before too but i think its worth mentioning, i think my perspective on WJSN has always been a certain way because i grew up playing soccer on a team of the same ~18 girls for over 8 years and im very familiar with, idk, “team dynamics” in groups of girls growing up together? so i understand what its like to be in a larger group dedicated towards this ultimate, performance based goal together and while not everyone out of those 18 girls is one-to-one best friends and lots of people have pretty significant differences, none of that matters “on the field” or when you’re “working”, and its actually lowkey beautiful hiw such different people can unite together to make their dream happen AND develop really long lasting strong relationships w each other when they would otherwise might not have. so ive never had illusions that wjsn as a group has this monolithic motivator or reason for being in wjsn or being an idol, they are all super different personalities and have different interest areas like acting, musicals, song production, MCing etc! so its really impossible for me to feel upset or bothered in any way when i hear complaints about mmq’s behavior in this area because im like ? she obviously has/had this solo career (that i have to believe she had way more control and stylistic direction over than with wjsn) in her home country where she gets to embrace her personal style and concepts instead of matching wjsns, shes clearly separating from that past image and going in a different direction w her career! it does make me bummed that shes not getting 13 stars tattooed like xiao did but again what am i gonna do, be mad that this artist who i really care abt as a person is going off on their own path and direction? cujung is a ROCK of this fanbase its not like a mmq wjsn mention is going to create millions more ujung and album sales? just never added up to me, IM not gonna feel some type of way about it because stan twit fucking tells me to, like how it feels a lot of ujungs react to everything! that one thing going around that was like “wjsn are coworkers not friends” was sooooo funny for me to watch ujung actually get mad about because like,,, they ARE coworkers? AND FRIENDS?! there are 13 of them? each person has a unique individual and complex relationship with each other person? ah idk why i even bother with these essays the avg kpop stans iq is literally 65 yall love being spoonfed parasocial relationships simulated for ur consumption so much u completely block out ​the fact they are real people

[rosyandraw]

Nena! I have too much to say I'm actually embarrassed to send you this long ask. I hope you don't mind..... 🥺

Well first Hihi your berry anon here 🫐🍒

How've you been doing? How's life treating you?

I honestly got super excited and happy the other day when I saw your post on my fyp so I sent that all over the place and I didn't even ask how you were.... So rude of me. 🫣

Now going into a deep discussion about nmfy... I need to tell you that I missed your writing you are so talented it always blows my mind. So it was a treat reading your fic again.

This chapter fuuuck you made me feel every single emotion Laurent had ... His love and his anger felt so real 😭 and August... Well I'm going to be 100% honest usually I don't care too much about characters that our narrator doesn't care much about (damen) even more if they are never there. Yet I really like your August, I liked him even more because fics often write him like a perfect person and to me he doesn't feel real. I get that to Lauren, who was a kid with a 10 years older brother, August was/is perfect but reading him like that doesn't feel real. So kudos to your August to be real, to have flaws, feeling beside loving Laurent etc.

About him and Damen..... I'm always with whoever tells the story so in this case Laurent and I'm with him I would also feel jealous as fuck and like I'm the second option. And I keep imagining what would happen if both needed Damen at the same time who would he choose what would happen. 🧐🧐🧐

I think Damen's reaction to laurent and Bastian was so good and in character for a Scorpio. Those assholes I love them and I hate them (my dad and my two best friends are 🦂♏)

I read your answer about him being an Scorpio and I agree completely but something funny to me is that if I didn't headcanon Vere/Akielos as Europe and they were from my side of the world Damen would be a Taurus and Laurent an Scorpio and that make sense to me too. Haha I hc them like you but I think it is funny that they still work the other way around.

Also I don't know how you feel about this but...... August is definitely an Aries... Hear me out he's a natural leader, a good fighter (the best Laurent has seen) willing to die for what he believes/loves. Impulsive with a chaotic maybe even obsessed personality while also makes him lose interest very fast. Aries and Scorpio (damen) are an amazing good/bad relationship because both are very intense. I think an Aries would def kill someone like August did very messy and passionately impulsive irrational and they would 100% call their Scorpio best friend a more dark strategist who won't panic because they are capable of killing too. But he would also be great at planning how to get rid of the evidence. They (we haha im an Aries too) are also kinda selfish which I feel August is like he thinks Damen hates him for mixing him in his secrets yet he keeps calling. But I'm suree you have you hc for him so please tell me everything even if you think he is a idk a cancer soo please tell me everything.

And to finish this crazy thing I saw what you did with Ancel and Berenguer and I loved it and I need moree. ... Pleaseeee I'm begging you 🙏🏼🙏🏼 just lil spoiler just a lil moment of them interacting 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

Ps. I still remember all the kinky shit we used to talk for Damen and Laurent so for now Im gonna sit and enjoy the angst but please know that I'll come back with the evidence if we eventually don't get some of it for them hahahaha jkjk fk as you please with your fic you are such an amazing writer that I trust you.

Kisses kisses, thank you for sharing this update. Have a lovely weekend. 💕💜💕💜💕

B🫐

Omg I absolutely do not mind, this is the BEST. It’s so unbelievable that you care enough so please don’t apologise! 💕

I’m good thank you lovely, life has been good! New job, engaged, all that fun stuff haha. How’s life for you?

Gonna put the rest under a cut because teeny spoiler near the end and also so people don't have to scroll haha.

Noooo, you’re never rude my dear!!

Aww I’m so glad you love Auguste, I wanted to do something a bit different with him and I LOVE him personally, he feels very personal to me. I love flawed characters, all of my characters are a mess because people are messy you know?

Haha I know what you mean! I think Laurent’s insecurity is pretty huge. I think if Auguste and Laurent called at the same time Auguste would have to wait haha tbh. Damen would either call someone to go get Auguste or he’d go get Laurent and then they’d go get Auguste.

Damen is… well let’s just say we haven’t necessarily had Damen’s full reaction just yet. Or Laurent’s for that matter. Whoops!

Omg my dad is a scorpio too and so is my stepmother haha

Oooo that’s fun! They do work the other way around for sure. And don’t I love Auguste Aries! I didn’t’ go as in depth for Auguste’s tbh, the only real placement I put down for him was Scorpio Moon, not just as a counterpoint to Damen but because Scorpio is a pretty volatile moon sign imo. But Aries sun I absolutely vibe with 100%, everything you said is perfect and works well with Damen’s character too.

Haha I do have another little glimpse of Berenger/Ancel in the next part, idk if Berenger will ever make an actual appearance in this fic, but you will get a little more about what’s going on with him and Ancel! I promise!!

OMGGG stay tuned because I accidentally wrote something kinky and it wasn’t meant to be there but they just started talking and before I knew it I’d written a 2k kinky scene so. Erm. that is that!!! I would LOVE to hear your thoughts on it when I eventually edit the crap out of it and post haha

(Also Ancel/Berenger is a side pairing in my next fic too, it’s like 15k one shot but they are there and I thought of you when I wrote them in haha)

Thank you my lovely, I always love to hear from you 💕💕

[burnt-pencil]

I am not a good person, and I say that as a perfectly correct thing to say.

I have been repeating this to myself for half an hour now. I am not a good person, I am not a good daughter, I am not a good sister, I am not a good student, I am not a good friend.

I am not a good daughter — I resent my parents despite their best efforts to give me a good life. I focus on those times they didn't hug me, they didn't reach out. The last resentment I added to the list was when they told me next time I came home they would buy me some stuff from a bakery that recently opened in our town. I've come home five times since then and they have completely forgotten. They simply got too much on their minds, and I cannot blame them, but it still itches for some reason.

I am not a good sister — Yes I love my little brother very much. Yes I would do anything in the world for him! And yet, and yet, I recognize I cannot look at him without being envious. He has our parents' complete support. They have always been by his side when he needed it, and he needed it a lot. He's got a disability so of course he is going to need more support than me!

And yet, and yet... It kinda sucks. Actually, it fucking sucks a lot. I have always dealt with my problems alone, because I didn't want to burden my parents. I always take my emotions and put them in a box where they won't be in the way. Everybody around me told me and my parents I was a gifted child. So I continued being a gifted child while my brother was a disabled kid. One of us needed support, and the other one could do everything she put her heart into! She could absolutely achieve everything she wanted!

So where the fuck did that child go and why am I crying in her bed.

I am not a good student — I was a gifted kid yeah I get it. A pleasure to have in class. Always got good marks. Always writing the best essays, always making the best project, always giving it her all.

I did not fucking care about school one bit. I'm skipping class today, in fact, because I cannot keep it together anymore and if I gotta feel like shit, better feel like shit when I'm not surrounded by other people that could not care less about me.

All I did in school was so I could feel recognized. Teachers liked me and I was taught that was the greatest achievement a student could strive for. My parents were happy when I got good grades! Wasn't that great? Wasn't that all I needed?

Seems like it fucking wasn't because two days ago my mother told me to go congratule my brother for writing a two paragraph text. Of course I was happy for him! That's a big achievement for him! I just kinda wish my mother would have put the same energy into rasing *me* up! I am selfish and Im coming to terms with it. I remember once, in highschool, I got an 8 instead of a 9 or a 10. It was still a good mark, I tell myself years down the line. But at that moment my mother seemed disappointed, so I practiced and studied more and more everyday, til I finally got a 10 in that subject.

She was happy, because it was a good mark, but that was all. It was not bad, but. I wish she could have recornized how much effort I put into it, at least.

I am not a good friend — I am writing this in my room while my roommate and one of my greatest friends since six years ago is in the living room with her boyfriend-not-boyfriend. I am getting annoyed by her laugh. I used to like it, but these past months it sounds too high pitched, too irritating. I may just be in the wrong headspace, but she just feels different. I may still just be resentful after yesterday, when she insisted I go with her and her classroom friends to have lunch, and she did not even talk to me a single time. A completely unkown to me friend of hers talked more to me than she did. And I am not particularly outgoing and comfortable with strangers, and she has known this for a long time, so idk. Maybe I'm just trying to find reasons to get angry at her. At my friend. At one of my best friends who each day I feel more separated from.

If I told any of those people now that I am not a good person they would inmediately refute me. I have always been a good person, good daughter, good sister, good student, good friend. How date I suggest otherwise.

And yet I'm kind of curious about how they would react if I told them I want to ruin my life. I want to throw out the window everything good I have ever been and I want to burn everything good I have ever done. I want to ruin my life and spit on the dust and rubble and become a messy ugly crying and sobbing and screaming thing. I want to see if they would confort me then. Would they still say that they love me?

[squashsquashed]

trauma dump because im losing my mind and no one’s listening

idk if im manic definitely feeling a bit psychotic rn . everyone in this house treats me like a fuckinh nanny cleaning and shit just cause i’m homeless . the dishes have been in the dish washer for 2 days clean and everyone has been home except me . i hate the.bitch i live with because she’s a fucking spoiled brat that does coke all day and drinks and never cleans after her self. she even curses at her parents that pay for her college and car and gas and food . mY FUCKING MOTHER MADE ME BUY FOOD FOR HER AND PAY FOR GROCERIES my mom would beat me if i even tried to curse at her . im only here because my families house is an episode of hoarders and i was being woken up everyday asked for money . my money was getting taken out of my bank account cause my mother expects me to take care of her . i have no one . i have no parents or friends im on my last fucking shit rn i have so much trauma i relive everyday . i can’t even go back to my moms because she took my room and ruined it to the point u can’t even see the floor . my sister sleeps on the couch there . there’s cat pee all over the floors and majority of the food is expired . and my mom acts like im supposed to be there struggling with them all. i don’t know whether to kill myslef or killevrryome else that has fucked up my life .

i have no car , no money , and everything that i have feels like it’s just gonna get taken away from me like it always has

i grew up as a kid praying every night to some fake ass god to not take our house away and praying my mom would win the lottery so we can live in. a clean nice home with food . what ever fucking god the rich prays to is NOT my god .

my mom has a warrant out for her arrest because she bounced a check trying to buy us food when i was 8. i vividly remember her screaming crying on the phone in the car outside the grocery store to the people . i can’t go through anything else .

crying everynight after we got evicted from our last house after i watched my mom have an affair on the only person keeping the family financially stable because her selfish ass . and she thinks that it was good i went through all this . she grew up perfect in a perfect family with a big house and they always went on vacation. and she thinks nothing i went through should effect me

fuckinh sleeping on the floor for months because i didn’t want to share a bed with her . begging for a therapist for years only for her to put it off

getting told i was the reason she wanted to kill herself when i was 14 . getting called a bum and useless when i was 15 just cause i was depressed . her knowing i was attempting for years and not doing anything except telling me if i did die we couldn’t afford a funeral. is this shit not supposed to fuck me up .

so much more . i don’t have family i don’t know my dad i hate living in general and i really don’t feel the need to keep going .

all the fucked up people that have ruined my life have never said sorry . while i apologize for existing everyday

[slutt4ellie]

Fated Hearts Start With Fire

PT5 - Holidays Hearts

masterslist

PART 1 // PART 2 // PART 3 // PART 4 // PART 6 // PART 7

Moving to a new city is tough, but it’s even harder when your roommate is a dick.

Summery - After you invite Ellie to travel back with you to your home town she immediately denies. But after a bit of convincing everything works well.

- - (It goes straight from part 4 so re-read if you gotta)

Warnings -> Miscommunication (Mia & Reader) / Readers in a relationship / Reader definitely self sabotages 🗣️ / JEALOUSLY / TENSION / Loser!Ellie if you squint? / Readers dad is weird idk? /Kissing / Cheating 😬 / Eventual smut / (Lmk if I missed anything)

WC: 5.6k

(Not proofread!)

“No!”

Ellie all but laughs in your face. Going to your hometown? Literally alone with nothing but your family and friends.

Yeah no fucking way.

She all much rather stay all alone in your shared apartment, beats introducing herself to a fuck ton of new people.

Yet her reply from your point of view has you confused? Because why not come? It 100% beats staying home alone in your shared apartment. She’s just being stubborn at this point??

“Ellie come on!” You say putting your hands in a praying position, trying to emphasize you really do want her to come.

“No dude!” Ellie again immediately denies shaking her head. She’s not going to fold under pressure. At least she’ll try not to!

“Why??” You say a whining tone leaking.

The foundation Ellie just put up. The one where she’s not going to fold? That’s definitely breaking as soon as that tone leaked.

But she regains and starts adding more support, she just shakes her head while not breaking eye contact with you? Trying to prove that stupid fucking tone didn’t affect her.

“Because!- just invite your girlfriend??” Ellie says.

That sentence does actually bring you back to reality. Fuck you haven’t even asked Mia yet, yet you’re practically begging for Ellie to join you. Hands cuffed in a prayer and all.

“I-I will! But Mia probably has plans with her family? So why don’t you come?” You say looking as her a pout now apparent on your bottom lip.

Ellie groans, her hand sliding down her face.

No, no, no.

“No..” Ellie sighs.

“Im not intruding on your family shit because mine aren’t available.” Ellie again shakes her head. Despite the fact your words are actually getting to her. She’s a adamant on denying, at least for as long as she can.

“Yeah but you’re not intruding? My parents hardly care? They’d probably be happy to see a friend i’ve made here! I think they think i’m lying” You laugh trying to ease Ellie’s discomfort about the whole situation. Trying to prove to her that you really want her to come.

You can tell the whole family situation is definitely rough. Because she’s told you a lot about herself but she’s pretty prominent about not mentioning that.

A clear example is when you guys you first started actually being friends, you almost instantly told her about your family, trying to make a perfect opening for her to share insight on hers. But instead she just shook it off.

She basically stopped talking and didn’t continue to press further into the conversation.

“Thank you- but no thank you.” Ellie again denies this time waving her hand. Making a valid point she doesn’t want to.

“I’m okay staying here and just chilling.” Ellie smiles at you.

You frown.

“Ellie.” You talk.

“Yeah?” Ellie says.

“Please.” You again beg. Now the desperate act is coming out.

You don’t even know why you want her to come so bad. Well sorta..

The main thing which is actively pushing you to invite Ellie, is no other than Mia.

It’s selfish. 100%.

But you literally don’t want to face her anymore. It’s to awkward and maybe if Ellie comes it’s going to push her away? Make her go enjoy Christmas with her family.

At least that’s what you’ll hope.

“Why do you want me to come so bad?” Ellie single handily rips the words from your train of thought.

And now you’re derailed.

You feel like the train just crashed into a dead end because you have almost nothing to defend with.

You’re not leading with the fact you’re avoiding your girlfriend. But it’s also weird why you’re so alluded with Ellie coming back to your hometown to spend Christmas with you and your family.

“Fine-don’t worry about it..“ You just groan, a clear annoyed tone as you begin to walk away. Which Ellie picked up immediately.

You know it was 100% pity and weird you relied on full guilt tripping, but you’re helping out Ellie at the end of the day..! Just giving her a light push.

You lightly close your eyes as you walk down the hall.. You didn’t know if it would work but then again you never know…

It was a solid two steps before there was a light grip on your wrist.

As you turn your eyes are met with green ones. Ellie’s looking at you, and just by the way her eyes are scanning through yours and no longer have a presence of unsureness. You know she 100% folded.

“O-okay i’ll come-“ Ellie sighs looking down, hand still on your wrist.

“Yeah??” You say with an excited tone. “You’re not just saying that.” You decide to clarify. I mean you hope she’s not just saying it.

“No..no- I just don’t wanna like intrude.” Ellie’s close to you.

Close enough to the point it’s falling into territory none of you are used to, but you both seem to be to distracted on a different fact right now. The one that has Ellie coming to your hometown.

“You’re not?” You smile at her to which she nods, slowing sighing.

“You did that on purpose.” Ellie tilts her head and smiles.

“I have zero clue what you’re talking about??” You say looking at Ellie. You know what she’s talking about? I mean you 100% guilt tripped her, having her feel a sense of guilt. But you’re avoiding that!

Ellie dramatically turns around and huffs. “Fine!”

You laugh and grab her wrist now mimicking Ellie’s actions. A perfect mirror of what just happened.

Ellie also laughs now that your mimicking her. “You’re so dramatic??”

You shake your head. “Am not!”

Ellie laughs “You fucking huffed then walked down the hall!”

Ellie points with her opposite hand to avoid the possibility of her forcefully making you let go of her wrist. Something she’s doing on purpose.

“You were being annoying-!” You say pushing you finger in the middle of her collar bone.

“Ellie please come with me!” Ellie says mocking you, which means her voice strained into a whining one that unfortunately appeared as a weird fucking whimper..

Her smile fades when her brain trails into a thought process allowing her to actually dwell on what she said.

So now her face is turning red and the laugh she was just previously ensuing on was dying into an uncomfortable awkward silence.

“Huh!?” You whisper yell straight in Ellie’s directions. A silent understanding that Mia’s still currently asleep in your bed, having you want to do anything you really can not to wake her up right now.

“I-I didn’t even mean it like that freak?” Ellie groans, a desperate attempt to hide how embarrassed she is.

“When did I ever even fucking say ‘Please come with me Ellie!’” Your tone again now leaking with a whine.

Ellie actually needs to go to bed.

Because maybe it’s the fact she’s tired, and honestly a little sleep deprived.

Or that your hand is still looped around her wrist.

But those 5 whiny words shouldn’t have caused an ache in the middle of her legs she couldn’t ignore.

Fuck.

“Whatever i’m going to bed..!” Ellie says now being the first to take your grip away from her wrist. Something she tried to avoid a mere minutes ago.

“Alright, alright.” You smile.

“Goodnight..!” You add on a few seconds later.

Ellie practically rushes to her room. Because it’s extremely fucking evident the little back and forth banter between you two had did not have the same affect on you which it had on her..!

Ellie needs to get fucking sleep. Get her mind to stop racing..

You two are just friends, she knows that.

The last thing she wants is to have yet another Cat situation.

✧☾༻✩༺☽✧

When you woke up and an arm was still presently draped over you, your mind raced.

It’s like you fully forgot the events of last night.

The ones with Mia..

And shamefully you wished it stayed that way.

The worst part is you don’t even know why?

Mia is fucking great, you’ve had almost zero reason to want to avidly push her away. She’s never done anything remotely mean and last night she was perfect.

Saying the right things, making sure you were comfortable and putting herself last. Making sure you enjoyed yourself first before she was even a fucking thought..?

So why do you wish you were waking up in a bed which is just full of you. Empty is something you prayed you’d never feel yet right now it’s all you’re praying for to happen.

And why?

Not even you know?

That’s something that keeps ending with dead ends.

Mia hums against your neck as her parted lips stay on them. She’s awake which isn’t a surprise, you’re little ruffles you made as you awakened probably had her eyes fall open not to long after.

“Hi..” She says, sighing, her eyes finally opening, and for the first time since last night her ocean blue eyes are rested on your face. Gaze refusing to break.

“Hey..” You smile. It’s fake, but it’s the best you can do as of now.

She leans in and gives you a light kiss on your cheek.

“Sleep okay?” Mia ask as she observes your face. Making sure you’re not lying or something.

“Mhm.? All good- what about you” You say trying to change the subject, trying to get her eyes off you even if it’s just for a second.

Because regardless of you lying or not her gaze is something you’re not enjoying right now?

“Yeah. It was good, last night was really nice. You were really nice.” Mia smiles kissing your cheek once again..!

“It was!” You say a fake excited tone accidentally making an appearance, luckily for you, Mia must have been to focused on kissing you, because now it’s going to your jaw, then neck.

Last night felt like boundary both of you overstepped. Because instead of literally just a week prior, Mia isn’t hesitating to kiss your neck. She’s assuming your okay with it.

And it’s not like it’s making you uncomfortable and you want her off of you, it’s just something that you wish maybe wasn’t happening right now. So you talk.

“M-mia can we talk..? Just quickly.” You say as you voice cracks..

It’s about time you give her insight on the fact you fucking invited Ellie instead of her to your parents, that being said though it’s not like she’s unwelcome to come.

She’s completely allowed. It’s just the probably odd you didn’t hesitate to invite your fucking roommate…

“Uh-oh?” Mia chuckles pulling back from your neck. She assumes you just being funny or something? That fades quick. Because when she sees you replied with a nervous smile, she takes your outlook, now becoming openly nervous..

“Fuck what’s wrong?” Mia says looking at you.

“Just Ellie and I-“ You try to think of how to word it properly. But currently nothings coming to your head. It feels like a broken electrical circuit no longer getting responses.

Mias smile fades when she hears the mention of Ellie. Because why the fuck did you say it like you and Ellie are some ‘thing’. Or even like you did something?

Mia would never suspect you of cheating- she doesn’t think you cheated. It’s just the sentence ‘Just Ellie and I” Could have a shit ton of add ons? That’s what she didn’t like.

“I-I invited Ellie to go back to my hometown for Christmas..and i’m sorry- because I know I should have asked you first. And-“ You shove your head in your hands embarrassed at the fact you feel like you could cry. You know if you continue you will cry.

Yet don’t get anything twisted, Mia felt a strong pang of jealously- but you and her have been dating for a solid month, she didn’t except you to ask her to come to your literal home town for Christmas, at the end of the day she knew you actually didn’t owe her anything. So even though she’s not to fond of the fact you’ll be going back to your hometown with Ellie, she knows you two are friends.

And that offers comfort.

“Hey-hey it’s fine..” Mia softly chuckles bringing your hands down from your face and kissing them lightly. “I have plans with my family- I assumed we weren’t gonna go head first into plans with family’s.”

“Oh..” Now you feel stupid because you were about to bawl over something that definitely wasn’t that deep. “I just-“ You start but Mia waves her hand dismissively.

“It’s fine. I swear.” Mia smiles kissing the corner of your lips..

“Plus, we have so many future Christmas’ and shit. This is just one out of many.” Mia says.

“Right?” You say in a breathless sigh now starting to calm down. “Now I feel stupid!” You chuckle and Mia shakes her head.

“No don’t!” Mia kisses you, you respond by slotting your lips right back on hers enveloping in a passionate kiss.

And that’s how you and Mia left it. Obviously you texted a lot but now it was time to go to your home town and you sorta just wanted to disconnect.

Because not only were you going with Ellie but you’re finally going to be able to see your family after a few months so you were beyond fucking excited. With a twinge of jealousy!

You and Ellie got on the plane no problem but now sitting down you can see Ellie’s hands fidget with plane seat buckle. A common sign she was nervous.

Learning Ellie’s nervous ticks was easy, because she has three she’ll always do.

Number one fidgeting with something close by.

If not that then number two. Playing with her index and middle.

And finally biting her bottom lip.

You see her top teeth slowly sit on her bottom lip.

She was nervous but you knew why.

One thing Ellie strongly emphasized that she fucking hated flights, she hated heights since she was a kid and that being said she was completely okay with the fact she’s never been on a plane.

“I don’t get how you can be scared of flights but you wanna go to space..?” You tease looking at her.

“Fuck you.” Ellie groans. Unlike her joking tone this does come out as more cold? Which you know why, she’s trying to hide that she’s extremely nervous.

“Wow! I feel like I just got flashbacks..!” You smile nudging her.

“Fuck off man.” Ellie smiles, now she’s looking at you trying to avoid the fact they’re taking off in a few minutes.

Her eyes just trail back and forth for a solid 20 seconds before looks down and clears her throat.

“And spaceships are different.” Ellie says.

“Mhm?” You say looking at her.

“Then imagine we’re on a spaceship?” You add and Ellie laughs.

“It’d be a pretty shitty spaceship.” Ellie sighs and then the intercom comes on announcing the plane is ready for take off.

“Fuck.” Ellie sits up.

You hold out your hand not thinking much about it before it happens. Because you’re just being a fucking good friend! Nothing deep, nor something to look into!

Ellie also doesn’t think much, because it didn’t take long before she sat her hand open on yours intertwining her fingers. She hates how fucking fast her nerves relaxed after you and her were holding fucking hands.

Because just like that her heart stopped racing and the feeling of taking off was the last thing on her mind.

It felt like a blacked out room with a spotlight shined on just you two.

Ellie knows she’s being weird, she thinks it’s the fact that since your roommates you’ll always be in a close proximity, so when building a bond the friendship lines get foggy.

Something that happened with Cat, and something which is happening with you.

The biggest factor on the plan which was weird was the fact you and Ellie held hands for a solid 30 minutes after the plane took off.

And you don’t really know why? It just happened. Everything with you two just seems to mistakenly happen.

It’s not like you were doing it purposefully, it was just after the 10 minutes it was a bit hard to let go of her hand smoothly so you two just watched movies holding hands a bit after the plane took off.

There was an underlining of comfort as well? When both of you are together there’s something you can’t really avoid?

You’re just good friends in that sense.

Nothing weird about that?..

Plus after you two got off the plane and through security it felt stupid to mention!

Talking about it would have just been more awkward and unnecessary!

So that’s what you two both purposefully did? Not mention it.

You and Ellie both just shuffled your things in the trunk of taxi before you guys get into the back seat..

When you tell the taxi driver the location and your gaze is completely focused on him, Ellie finally looks at you.

The moment on the plane was weird, and Ellie didn’t fully understand.

The last thing she wants to be is a home wrecker.

But maybe you two were being friendly, she’s seen a shit ton of friends hold hands, you guys might just be shifting into a physical friendship and nothing is wrong with that!

At least she rather come up with that solution instead of maybe expanding on the fact she might be falling for yet another roommate which at this point is getting fucking old.

The Cat situation should have ruined that possibility yet here she fucking is.

You finally turn your gaze to the back seat no longer focused on the man and quickly noticed how Ellie’s gaze was straight on you.

She tried to smoothly clear her throat and look away but you just chuckled, again not taking it as serious as she was.

“You good.” You ask.

“Just nervous I guess?” Ellie wasn’t lying but it was also a smooth excuse to hide the fact she was just hardcore staring at you.

“My parents are nice- promise” You look at her offering a smile to ease Ellie’s nerves.

Ellie feels like she should ask, like she needs to ask.

Because after what happened with her parents she just rather avoid it if she can.

“You’re out to them right? Or like no.” Ellie ask her voice cracking which she clears once again.

“Oh yeah! I literally came out at like 10 because I wouldn’t shut up about how hot the Elizabeth girl from Pirates of the Caribbean was?” You laugh which also makes Ellie laugh along.

Well at least Ellie doesn’t have to lie to your parents or some shit. “K-yeah cool.” Ellie nods.

“You good?” You ask looking at Ellie.

“Mhm- i’m good” Ellie says looking at you.

“Okay” You tilt your head before looking out the window.

Seeing your old town has put you into the realization that nothings really changed. The shops stayed the same, with the exception of a few new ones you hadn’t noticed before.

You can tell somethings prioritizing Ellie’s mind but you rather not push or question it? She seems to be an overall private person and practically forcing her out of her comfort zone seems rude.

You just decided to get comfortable in your seat for a few minutes before you arrive.

Which really didn’t take long, because soon you’re pulling into the house you called home for so many years, and instead of walking in alone, or with Alex and Jess. This time it’s you and Ellie.

You just grab your suitcase exiting the car.

“I can grab that?” Ellie points to your suitcase as her left hand grips hers.

“It’s fine- if anything I should be carrying yours.” You chuckle at her request.

“You’ll be hugging your family and shit? I’ll just grab it weirdo” Ellie fully takes it into her own hand reaching her right hand forward to grab your suitcase.

“All right, all right- thank you.” You say walking up to the front door.

And even though it’s your family your mind is racing about whatever the fuck is going to transfer. You just hope it’s positive.

But before you can open the door, your mom does.

Her eyes are excited and she immediately lunged forward to hug no other than you..!

“You’re home!!” You’re mom says while hugging and kissing all over your cheeks earning a stupid chuckle from Ellie which she “smoothly” covered with a cough.

“Yeah!” You say, you barley hid the fact you’re extremely embarrassed because it was super apparent in your tone and pink cheeks.

You mom then pulls back from you and smiles. “Who’s this!”

Your mom knows who the fuck it is, because you told her Ellie’s coming as soon as you got okay.

“H-hi!” Ellie spits out nervously, she puts down your suit case to hold out her hand. An invitation for your mom to shake it.

Ellie’s super fucking nervous. Because after her relationship with her parents came down with a big tumble, opening up to other people’s seemed off.?

Like she couldn’t properly function, it almost felt like she was constantly on thin ice.

Plus Ellie doesn’t really know if you told your mom about the shitty roommate. Which would be horrible because she’s the fucking shitty roommate?! She wouldn’t even be shocked if you did? Fuck she was horrible.

“Ah we don’t need handshakes!” Your mom fully takes Ellie by the shoulder and hugs her tightly. Having Ellie drop the other suitcase to her feet.

Ellie doesn’t know what to do other then reciprocate it, so that’s all she does, just wraps her arms around your mom?

“It was Ellie right.?” Your mom says her gaze not leaving Ellie’s.

Ellie just nervously nods. She’s never had someone be extremely nice without even knowing her.

Which she’s now starting to understand where you got it.

Because even on the day when you first moved in, you weren’t automatically mean, even though Ellie was rude for the whole first day, you managed to put up with it before finally snapping back on the second day.

“Yeah..!” Ellie smiles awkwardly stepping back.

“It’s nice to meet you-” Ellie signals to you about to continue the conversation.

Then your dad walks out. He’s a stocky man, a bit scary looking, with permanent furrowed eyebrows.

You’d like to say it’s all some facade and he’s a real softie under the rough skin.

But no.

He’s always will silently judge, somethings he’s done your whole life, giving his thoughts despite not really asking for it, he’ll always supply it.

“Hey kid.” You’re dad nods a head to you. He’s not a hugger. A drastic change from someone like your mother. You don’t really know how they ended up together.

“Hey dad..!” You smile and look at him.

Your dad doesn’t reply after that, he turns his attention to Ellie.

“This the girlfriend?” He says his eyes trailing up and down her, you can tell he again is fucking judging.

Yet Ellie’s not even your girlfriend! So he’s judging her for no reason?..

“N-no that’s Mia- this is Ellie.” You say directed to your dad despite you looking at Ellie, her face is now red and she seems embarrassed.

Fuck this is awkward.

“I-It’s nice to meet you.” Ellie smiles awkwardly at your dad. She feels she should shake his hand yet his gaze has her fall nervous. So she doesn’t. She just occupies both hands with the suitcases

“Quite young for a tattoo hm?” You dad says clearing his throat, slowly turning his attention to Ellie’s tattoo.

You never understood why your dad says or does some things? But either way he does and you can’t really change it, this conversation between him and Ellie, it’s one of the ones where you don’t understand why the fuck he’s doing it.

“Oh uh-“ Ellie’s cut off by your words.

“We should really settle in. The flight was long..!” You chuckle a desperate attempt to clear the awkwardness which is looming.

Ellie nods and looks at your parents. “It was really nice to meet you both.” Ellie nods towards them before the everyone starts to head inside.

After you showed Ellie the spare bedroom it didn’t take long till there was a light knock on your bedroom who you can only assume is her.

She did tell you once she was done unpacking she’ll come to your room.

“Come in?” Your voice echos through the bedroom as you sit on your queen bed.

As you guess Ellie’s auburn hair and green eyes come poking through the door.

“Oh i’m the fucking nerd?” Ellie immediately says with a sarcastic chuckle.

She starts walking into your room before sitting on your bed a decent amount of distance between you and her. Her eyes trail throughout your room and she scouts the many different movie posters, books, journals scattered throughout your bedroom.

“Fuck off..!” You chuckle looking back at Ellie.

“No- you fucking bullied me for my space shit” Ellie says laughing. “I get to bully you!” Ellie says pointing right at you.

“Because that’s objectively nerdy! You like space! I just like reading and writing.” You try to defend yourself.

“Yeah, yeah nerd.” Ellie scoffs which earns a little smile from you despite you actually wanting to laugh. “Whatever makes you sleep at night.!”

You roll your eyes and look at Ellie. “Im gonna kick you out?”

Ellie chuckles and shakes her head. “Okay i’m sorry!”

It’s a bit of silence before you finally speak again.

“Get settled in okay?” You ask looking at her.

She bites her lip, looking down before shortly nodding. “Oh yeah, all good.” Ellie offers you a smile to try and distract you from any red flags that she might be uncomfortable.

Yet it didn’t really help or work, you noticed right away.

“You alright?” You ask looking at her.

“Yeah- no good. I’m happy you invited me.” Ellie wasn’t lying at the last part. She was super happy she decided to come with you, it’s just-

“My dad?” You question looking at Ellie. You basically finished her thoughts.

“I-Did I say something wrong- because people- he just seemed-“ As soon as you questioned it Ellie’s mouth wasn’t going to stop. She was ranting.

So you took it into your own hands and looked at her.

“Ellie I swear he’s just weird and like that with everyone. Like i’m his daughter and you saw how weird he is with me!” You say looking at her. Despite not being even the single bit religious you prayed her words offered comfort.

Ellie let’s out a show sigh of relief. “Fuck okay good! I thought I said something” Ellie laughs lightly.

“Like the tattoo comment was-“ Ellie starts.

“Fucking dumb!” You tilt your head.

“Your tattoo is cool.” You add on chuckling.

It took about ten seconds before your hand started making its way to travel over the different intricate details.

“Yeah?” Ellie ask going a tad bit closer. Both your shoulders now touching as her arm is hovered above both of your thighs.

“Mhm?” You say looking at her, she slowly mirrors your movements.

And in that moment you know if either of you decide to even lean in just a little further your noses would touch.

You start to think what’d you do, something you’ve purposefully deterred your mind from going. Blocking off those openings before they could even get through. But now they were flowing and you couldn’t stop it?

Like if she leaned in would you do the same...?Would you kiss Ellie bac-

What the fuck, you have a fucking girlfriend.

And you couldn’t sworn Ellie’s eyes were fluttering shut, a sign to back the fuck up. And that’s what you did.

“Uh- dinners probably like basically ready.” You stand up awkwardly rolling your hands down your clothes an attempt for them to appear more straight.

While also making an effort to avoid her gaze without making it look more forceful?

Ellie also stands up, the main bit of her head being filled with confusion- because why did it seem like you wanted to kiss her two seconds ago, and now you can barley look at her.

“Right..cool.” Ellie sounded just the slightest bit immature but in her defence you made her feel stupid? Like was she interpreting that whole situation wrong.

“What..?” You ask, almost like she’s crazy for feeling embarrassed.

“Didn’t say anything” Ellie gives a fake smile before opening your bedroom door.

When she opens the door you walk through first and you hear her trailing after you.

You and Ellie hardly talked through dinner, little chip ins from both of you, but when you did the conversation was usually to other people.

So if you were talking i’d be to your parents, avoiding Ellie, and vice versa.

The main reason is because it just so happens both of your minds are occupied from the fact you two almost kissed.

It was like that for at least a little. Till your dad decided to talk.

“So Ellie? What’s your family doing for Christmas.” His mouth is still in the middle of chewing food, his hand reaches for his glass and he tilts it back swallowing back a large swig of wine.

Ellie finishes what’s in her mouth before talking. “Not really sure?”

She says it casually. Like not knowing what your family’s up to is the normal, yet for her it is?

“Why’s that..?” He says rubbing the back of his hand on his outer lips, getting any excess droplets of wine or even food.

“Honey.?” Your eyes shift from Ellie’s uncomfortable gaze to your moms. She’s clearly trying to get him to back off from the conversation, yet he keeps going.

“What- were taking a kid in for Christmas so I’m just overall interested what her parents are doing? You know as in why she’s joining us?” He shrugs, It’s like the fact he’s opening up his home gives some moral right to know?

And for that reason you can tell your dad won’t back off.

Not till her gets an answer that is.

“Dad?..” You say looking at him shaking your head.

Now Ellie’s uncomfortable, because at least in her mind she feels everyone wants to know a little sob story as to why she isn’t with her parents right now.

In stead she’s with her roommates parents.

Ellie just clears her throat. Her eyes are noticeably getting glossy and that’s her cue to leave.

“Sorry excuse me..” Ellie wipes the napkin down her lips and silently pulls back from the pulled in chair. She makes her exit b-lining straight for the bathroom.

Once Ellie’s gone you groan at your dad. “Seriously?” You clearly annoyed and he picks it up. But instead he just shrugs?

“What did I say? I simply asked a question” He says.

“Which she didn’t want to answer!” You’re now always pulling back your chair making an open exit for you. “Fuck.”

He tsk silently. “Language.”

“I’m gonna go check on her.” You sigh starting to walk down the open hallway.

You quickly turn back to your mom. “Thanks for dinner.”

She nods in response while muttering something to your dad. You hope it’s putting him in his fucking place.

You don’t know if that man just doesn’t have social cues but fuck sometimes he needs to read a room..

It didn’t take long to find Ellie, she only knew where one of the 2 bathrooms were so once you heard distance sniffling in the one planted beside your bedroom you knock on the door.

“Mhm?” Ellie’s voice try’s to come out as full and clear but it’s sounded more desperate and sad.

“Can I come in?” You ask.

“I’m okay..? Trust me?” Ellie says clearing her throat.

You can tell she’s not okay. But mentioning that didn’t seem important, so you just nodded in understanding before talking.

“Okay well can we talk, even if your okay..?” You ask.

A little sigh comes out then a click of the lock comes through.

You open the door and you see Ellie’s eyes are red.

After seeing that sight you hugged her.

Ellie wraps her arms under your arms which are looping around her neck. She hesitantly put her chin on your shoulder as you did the same.

“I’m okay..” Ellie sighs in your shoulder.

“Mhm..” You just nod against her shoulder.

“Sorry my dads a dick.” You say.

“Mine probably worse?” Ellie let’s out a chuckle, it’s dry and forced.

You pull back and look at her eyes.

You can feel her arms trail down your back finding a resting spot on your waist.

“I swear I don’t cry a lot.” Ellie chuckles once more. This time sounding a bit more real.

“That’s becoming hard to believe.?” You say tilting your head, Your hands come from around her neck and sit on her cheeks wiping any left over tears.

Ellie’s grip on your waist tightens just a little, she doesn’t want you to pull back but she knows what she’s doing right now, what she wants to happen, She knows it isn’t right.

Either way she can’t control her eyes from glancing at your lips..

She looked at them for a few seconds before glancing back at your eyes.

She sees how your eyes are now glancing back and forth between her eyes and lips..

Without thinking she presses a soft kiss to your lips holding your cheek..

A/N -> BOOOOOO CHEATER 👎🏽👎🏽👎🏽👎🏽

I actually don’t know what the fuck to write for the AN! But I really did enjoy writing this chapter, and i have so much planned for the next one 😋

i promise i won’t take as long 🙏🙏🙏 (maybe)

I’m just so fucking busy with school and work, so this happens to always be the last thing on my mind.

I’ll try to be consistent with summer but then again i’m insanely busy in that time period too?

Other then that I’m gonna start working on hearts over hierarchy

happy pride month btw!!

and that’s all, hope you enjoyed reading this 😈

(Like and reblogs are so appreciated!)

Taglist - @a-little-bit-of-everybody @bready101 @shiimer @boobdrug @amberputh @macaroni676 @soupycloud @seraphicsentences @eringranola @mikellie

[werewolf-femboy-maid]

I rarely feel this alone its probably because I didn't eat anything all day and because I didn't drink water all day and because my bf yelled at me again this morning for complaining o r not listening or something and because I have bpd and because I felt ostracized at my university and because I failed my classes and because I don't wanna be part of that bs propaganda statistic that weed enjoyers do not do well in college and drop out because that is only part of the problem weed can make people distracted and "lazy" for sure but that applies with pretty much any other legal "drug" or other form of entertainment, and I also feel alone because I did bad at school because I live in like two different places and still don't have a car or drivers license IN TEXAS and also because I am constantly scared all the time of everything and also because everything is exhausting and also because I have been needing to do my laundry for months now and also because I have adhd and have been undiagnosed my entire life until like 2 years ago and also because I feel like everyone hates me and no one will ever like me for the dysfunctional angry abusive disgusting incompetent useless and stupid person I really am and I am a literal burden to everyone that has ever interacted with me and also because I hate everyone and also because I want to be perfect and amazing all the time and solve everyone's problems so we can all be friends and no one ever thinks im weird or yells at me or hates me or tells me to do shit ever ever ever again and also because I am living in America and also because there is an entire population of people being erased and its happening in front of our eyes and all the awareness is great but im really scared nothings helping I guess I should donate after this or at least spread some more awareness idk

I hate that I havre so much to complain about when im literally living some peoples dream. I cant believe these opportunities were wasted on me. it should've been someone else that went to school and got the degree instead of dissapointing everyone and being an awkward outcast in the classroom.

im literally making this about myself I don't know how I can be so selfish. my bf gives me shit all the time about how I complain too much and look for problems instead of solutions, which I understand but he seemed very skeptical when I say that conflict is an addiction in some cases especially traumatized kids (me)

im so hurting guys im in so much pain ive been in pain a lot of my life, like not a lot a lot but a fair amount for sure

ive been running on between 15% ~ 5% battery for the past 6+ years I don't know how much time I have left

and don't even get me started on the health concerns I be smoking and vaping (vaping isn't nearly as often tho) and omg I just saw that kurzegazxt (idk how to spell them) video about smoking lmfao

I feel like according to everyone ive ever interacted with, I am either trying too hard (stressing about overly specific schedules) or not trying hard enough (snapping and or having a meltdown "on purpose")

everyone wants something from me and even when they don't want anything I am suffocated by my thoughts telling me Im not doing enough for them I am so exhausted and scared and sad this world is such an evil and rotten place sometimes I am so scared for the fate of humanity we are so screwed and hopeless (ok not really but this is my mindset rn and its MY MENTAL EPISODE I GET TO CHOSE THE RANT LYRICS)

oucccchhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ouuuuuuuccccccchhhhhhhhh

chat, is it ethical to ask someone to "just stop" having symptoms of emotional irregulation? omg Imma make a poll lmfao

just everything is bad rn im really going through it my life is falling apart and I keep ruining everything and its all my fault because I am not disciplined enough I hate

om,g that funny moment when your dad doesn't let you take meds when you actually wanted to try them and then you try weed and its cool but it does not help with school because work hates you, and so you try to get back into meds when you're in school and you never prepare enough for each semester and there wasn't time to adjust to new meds before the semester and then I ended up doing weed again because I cant just do the entire semesters unmedicated. ME??? MY ADHD ASSS????? TRYING NOT TO DIE AT UNIVERSITY????????

WITHOUT SUBSTANCES???????????

Oh goodness

Anyway but yeah that paragraph is basically just saying I wish I coulve had meds before I tried za. that way my chances of graduating without going to the psyche ward twice wouldve been probably been at least a little higher

and now guess who's giving me shit and probably hates me to death because im abusing their son/grandson and im not taking meds yet because I haven't had time to look for an in person psychiatrisist because im still looking for a job because I haven't cleaned my room yet because of the stupid internet sucking me into an infinite abyss of capitalized attention spans. yep that's right, my potential in laws. im sure they cant stand me anymore. his grandma literally told me to "take care of him if you know what's good for you" and I know that cleaning the house and not being verbally abusive is a great way to ensure our future family doesn't get sick.

im gonna kms guys ok not really but I think about it a lot sometimes I really cant stand this anymore

HOOOOOOOW DO YOU ACCEPT CONTSTRUCTIVE CRITICIMS NORMALLY>???????????????? HOW DO YOU JUST NOT BE SCARED BECAYSE YOU CAN'T TELL IF THEIR BEHAVIOR TOWARDS YOU IS JUSTIFIED OR IF YOU NEED TO SPEAK UP FOR YOURSELF??????????????

HOOOOOOOWWWWWW???????????????

OH AND ASO because my brother hates me and has gone no contact with me for the past few months and he just doesn't talk to me ever and also I want to die so bad and my cat

oh my cat

wang ja my beloved

*starts tearing up* ooough my caaaaaat..

my cat oh my beloved cat is almost in his 30s in cat years and I feel so horrible because he had to live with my parents for most of his 20s and late teens while I spent a lot of time with my bf because he was my safe space once, and now I see he's getting older even if only slightly and my house is so boring and the food is so shitty I want to give him fresh food from the farm and give him lots of fresh air and exercise and we just cant have those nice things rn because we live in a society. :"(((((((((

omg please someone just stab me i cant take this

[tapatiopickle]

4224 stupid shit idk

“i believe your self-conscious is trying to tell you you simply can not fathom proper intimacy, but also crave it as well.” - moxxie, blitzos bad trip (helluva boss)

as i listen to disorder by joy division, i write this. i know all of my problems. i know i have attachment issues and daddy issues. those are the root causes of most of my problems. i get attached too easily to people, become obsessed even. but once they get close, i push them away out of fear they are going to leave me, like my father did. i do not know how to control this. i just feel the urge to keep them away so im not disappointed when they leave because its ME who did it, not them.

i used to pride myself on never having been broken up with, but now i think it is more of a defeat. i got so scared everytime. the most prominent one was 8th grade, going on to high school. i broke up with him because i thought he would find someone better in high school, that he would leave quickly the moment he got a chance. i ended up finding out that he loved me even after the fact. he never stopped, and neither did i. i no longer love him anymore (due to my other muse, who i dread leaving. i hope he never leaves, truly), yet we still remain friends.

speaking of my new muse, i find myself pushing him away at times too. i have to try to not do this, to tell myself that it isnt right. i end up overthinking all the things he does; why he turned off his activity status, why he leaves me on delivered for so long, why he refuses to be in a relationship with me. i dont blame him for any of these things, really. i wouldnt date me either, not with these physical and emotional scars. im too much baggage, as michael once said (fuck you, if you are reading this michael).

being told im selfish and only care about myself is quite painful. i love people, i want nothing but the best for them, even if they have harmed me (yes, even you michael). i want nothing but peace and love and i do not understand why people must fight. i love more than i am capable of. maybe that is why i am afraid of loving, afraid of not receiving the same treatment. but am i truly loving if im worried about how one will reciprocate it? perhaps, perhaps not.

anyways.

i have problems when it comes to intimacy. im scared of saying no because they might leave me, scared to upset or hurt them in anyway cause they might leave me, scared of everything possible. even if i have done nothing, i am scared. always on edge. waiting.

which is why i seem to take it upon myself to leave first, so they have no chance to.

haha, they cant hurt me because i hurt them first, i laugh to myself.

god, i could use a cigarette right now.

or a hug.

or both.

oh, anon, such is the woe and tragedy of an 18 year old girl with mental problems. i will be crying myself to sleep as i fight the urge to cut myself. goodnight, anon, and may you sleep well too.

[forestryfae]

and its like. neat. those guys are friends. these people get along. theyll invite eachother. theyll add eachother on this and that specifically so they can talk to eachother in dms when theyre not in the same room. why the fuck cant i have that. noones talking to me cus they just fucking forget i exist and they dont want to remember.

like i know obviously and logically that people have their own lives and shit they do and work and chores and other friends and appointments and shit they gotta do but even the fucking people who are SUPPOSED to love me and make an effort cant do that and ive been taught im a nuisance at best so i cant even try to reach out to people.

like the other patients here cab just?? call or talk to or send messages to the people eorking here if somethings wrong?? i wasnt told i could do that. i didnt know that was even a thing. but everyone else has been doing that. meanwhile i get to sit in my room being sad as shit and knowing that its for stupid selfish reasons and i have no real reason to be upset and im just being selfish and expecting the world to revolve around me. as if i havent had to act like that for like two decades cus noone else is willing to spare a fucking milligram of sympathy for me. and i cant even send a text to say i sad cus i know noones gonna talk to me. i literally have to scream and get angry for people to take me seriously when im upset cus nothing is ever serious enough or worth being upset over.

and even then its my own fucking fault for being upset and i need to fix it cus i cant have feelings if its uncomfortable for other people. and theres nothing anyone else needs to do to rectify the situation, i just need to stop being angry at them and then we never have to alk about it again and im not allowed to bring it up and also i shouldve known automatically exactly who to talk to in order to fix this and its my fault for not knowing or doing that even though ive reached out in other ways.

oh noo im angry because someone did something wrong again. but its not ok that im screaming cus that hurts other peoples feelings and makes them uncomfortable, even tho my feelings very clearly were hurting more and much much deeper than just slight inconvenience or discomfort. and its a recurring issue. doesnt fucking matter how i feel or what would actually help here.

like. again. am not unfamiliar w the concept of different needs meaning you sometimes have to do something differently for different people. but itd be really nice if that extended to me as well. like i get the whole This One Person Needs A Little Extra Of A Certain Type Of Help. but i dont get why there are rules and specific ways of doing things and they can easily be bent to help other people but every fucking time i have a problem i need to adjust and fix myself. i cant have people who just do this one thing slightly different to make me not feel like im existing wrong and noone gives a shit about me, thats too hard for people, i need to stop being sad and make myself less fragile and i need to find a way to fix this without being upset or involving other people or needing any kind of validation or help. i always do everything wrong, why didnt i reach out despite that being the single worst thing you can do whenever something is wrong, its your own fault you didnt get help. as if it wouldve fucking mattered if id reached out, i absolutely wouldve just wound up being dismissed and ignored and told its my own fault eitherway.

like. idk. it kinda makes sense that im trying really hard to become independent and capable of taking care of shit on my own considering how little help i get in general and how much of a struggle it is just to be allowed to say im sad or i want to do something that will make me happy. esp w how i always want people to tell me whether im doing the correct choice. just for fucking dyeing my hair or trying to find new hobbies.

like idk i probably need to talk to a tgerapist but gid knows how long its gonna take to actually get one or get to talk to one. i dont get to talk to my primary either cus shes not here 24/7 and she has others shes supposed to be helping too. and even if i could talk to the other people working here its VERY hit or miss cus some dont get it and some just dont have the training and sometimes ill have to talk about the thing twice and thats. so hard. or ill have to explain what i mean cus apparently its not enough to just say whats wrong, i aldo have to explain why it makes me sad cus noone fucking gets it and then i have to justify it and still risk being dismissed.

but yeah no im totally valued and people totally like me. as if the people i work with gives a shit about me beyond how helpful or fast i am when i work, or the other patients give a shit beyond being bored and just barely tolerating me, or my family gives a shit outside of the three phonecalls i get every year and the one visit that isnt just them dropping me off. even when i make actual friends it does not take long for them to stop talking to me or start thinking im annoying, and its not like i can just try to keep contact either. if they dont wanna talk itd be selfish and awful to try to keep being friends, they might not want that anymore.

[iwannabeastarstarrockmann]

i dont fucking know if my thoughts are my own or if ive just been so emotionally and verbally abused each day that im starting to internalize someone elses idea of me. idk what to think lately. im so fucking depressed and anxious and sad like every single day, it hurtsso much, and it fucking sucks that there are people in my life who just view me as a sad sack of shit with no aspirations or value. i never get more than a day to get better from anything before someone in my life is pressuring me to get off my ass and do something productive. dont you know tht there is something seriously wrong with me. idk why i cant do things, i just cant. i wan to be so productive and social, i just cant bring myself to do it right now. i feel so trapped and overwhelmed. do you realize how exhausting it is to wake up everyday with a mind attacking itself, with a body that aches, with a hope that this will be your last day of suffering, with no sense of what it is you need in order for the suffering to stop. i want to scream but i have no energy to. i want to die one minute and then hope to save my own life the next, contradicting every word or thought with an action that is not my own. theres days where my health anxiety is practically non existant and then something will happen, it could be something so nonsensical and somehow ill get triggered or worried and there i go absolutely obsessed with some strange pain or weird tension, or god forbid i actually get infected with something. thats all i could focus on 24/7 until i find some way to make it better, but the worry from the thing that im feeling and wondering about my health, this shit brain decides its so stressful and scary that i should just starve myself, cause if i were skinny, these prooblems wouldnt feel so big, or maybe id be able to go to the doctor if im 2 sizes smaller. that doesnt make any sense. i know it doesnt so why do i do what i do. and then theres the cutting that i feel i have to do or else i wont learn from my mistakes but if i cut myself whenever i impulsively feel like it, then that makes my immune system too weak to fight off whatever i think i have this week so im trying to recover from that as its only making everything more complicated, but its all i can think about, especially in this self loathing state im in now. im such an idiot, im just a sick fuck who cant stop thinking to herself that maybe im faking all this and im actually okay. i think its all my fault for being this way, i dont remember what started all these unhealthy coping mechanisms but it has to have started with a thought right? i feel so ashamed for being this way, it was stupid of me to ever adopt such habits restriction makes me more confident but the constant exercise makes me too weak to go anywhere to show that confidence, and great! now i actually am sick, and my immune system is shit, and my emotional state and self hatred is making it worse, and im too overwhelmed to see anyone in my life who thinks they love me, because i dont want them to see me like this. they wouldnt believe me if i tried to explain that im struggling and need help. ive tried. they dont listen. they dont realize whats important. i know i put em through hell, im selfish, im self centered and dramatic and lazy and gross and undeserving of any love they think they have for me. i dont trust it. dont tell me you love me, you barely know me, the real me, the one i keep locked behind a closed door each night, to contemplate what im going to do about this shit life ive curated for myself. im so tired, im so fucking tired all of the time. i dont know how to keep going. i dont know how to do anything for that matter. im not even going to revise this shit post, im too tired, i just need to announce somewhere, somehow, that im so fucking lost that i dont even know if my thoughts are my own, or what it means to be a person. everyday with this bullshit, now im getting into existential dread territory, im just so sick of my own shit! im sick of myself. why cant i function like everyone else???

i want it to be over, i wish my problems could just be solved without any external help. i just want to wake up tomorrow and for everything to just be okay. i want to feel okay again. i dont need anything fancy, please let me wake up tomorrow with hope of brighter days. its so hard to see the beauty in my life when im being suffocated and pinned down by something invisible. i dont have the capacity to love or care for anyone or anything, and no one can see that i just need a break?? how can you not see me? no one can see, ill show them and they still wont see! they refuse, simply because, they cannot see inside my head and dont care enough to want to. they think they do. i tried to tell them time and time again but i think its just that when i am feeling okay, they dont like the choices i make. when im okay, i make sure i make the most of that time by prioritizing my own happiness over everyone elses, and that really pisses people off! to the point where they want to tear me down and take that light away from me. i didnt ask to be here, now, with all this pressure on my shoulders to be more than what i am. im simply existing. i can feel it. tomorrows gonna be so shit. i can always sense the storm before it comes, i wish i could prevent it, or ease my pain in some way. these substances are nice in the moment but eventually the buzz will wear off and ill just be me again, with nothing to offer. i dont have anything to offer. life is too hard, i gave up so long ago and didnt even realize that is what was happening at the time. i just go through it day by day without fully processing that ill have to wake up the next day. i wish my life was a dream i could wake up from. my brain isnt working right. i dont recognize myself. i hate how alone we all are. every sensation, thought, visual, sound, and taste. you are completely isolated from everyone around you.

[rippeds0cks]

5/27/2023

Im falling apart at the seams physically. My body cant keep up with all the pressure, stress, and work im putting it through. Its to the point where im taking ludicrous amounts of meds to keep it together. My body hurts so fucking bad from my muscles to my tendons to my bones im in pain all day. If i lose focus on whatever motor function im doing (using stairs, walking, running, fighting) i just collapse. Ive been dropping things cause the nerve damage in my hands is progressively getting worse. I deserve it though not only for being a piece of shit and failing those around me but just for my existence. My pops always told me growing up that “guys like us arent supposed to do well or live long” and i guess he was right cause im barely keeping myself in one piece. It’s ok tho cause im living for absolutely nothing right now. If i drop dead a couple people here n there will be sad but theyll soon forget and move on. I dont contribute anything to anyones life so its not like anything crumbles in my absence. Anyways every little detail ive ever known of my ex flooded back into my mind today in the gym and it left me fighting back tears and choking up while working out. Everything from how her old fursona back when she was a furry was a dutch angel dragon, how beautiful she looked everytime i saw her and her face lit up, the one time we were standing in the park at night and she kissed me and said “feels familiar”, how she always wanted to play apex or valorant, and most importantly as for now, how she used to make music. For shits and giggles i decided to go see if her music page was still up and it was. I decided to listen for old times sake and it reminded me of how i never told her how good i thought she was. I went straight to criticism and telling her how to improve it. Idk why im like that. Maybe cause its the way my parents were to me anytime i did anything i dont know. Its no excuse though. Dont get me wrong she still did rookie things like fill syllables with unnecessary curse words or make her vocals too low in the mixing process but its genuinely good music and ive been listening all day. Listening to the lyrics has made me realize how much i failed her. She placed a lot of emphasis and faith on me to help her or value her and i failed. And while my therapist would say something along the lines of “its not your responsibility to carry the burden of her happiness” i dont believe that to be the case at all. I think its something she placed in my hands trusting me and i failed. And that doesnt negate the insane way things ended between us. Her mother is still batshit fucking insane for the next level mental manipulation she did to my ex to make her mental state even more volatile than before. Idk. Maybe its my fault for leaving in the first place. Ive failed her every other way i cant not think i failed her by leaving and making those the only people she spent time around. Back when we first got together shes agree when her mother would say insane shit or treat her bad or her sister would bully her but by the end of it she flat out didnt think those things were happening. I just hope she got therapy like i begged her to so many times. Her ex best friend is a piece of shit though. Texting your best friends ex of almost 5 years the week after they have a nuclear break up confessing your unhealthy obsession from almost 6 years ago is disgusting. I was nice and all in my response because i thought my ex and her were doing it together as like a test of my character but i later found out it was just her disgusting ex best friend. And her reasoning as to why my ex shouldnt have gotten mad was “ive known you longer” no you dumb bitch youve known OF me longer. I didnt speak to you for 5 years you let this middle school crush go to your fucking head. I shared everything, heart and soul, with my ex for four almost 5 years and your disgusting selfish ass thinks you know me better cause we were locker mates in the 8th grade? Truly disgusting insane gross behavior. Anyways heres my exes music