#idk i dont feel like i can tell them everything
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i am. severely depressed lol.
#ghost talk#dont rb#sigh#i knew this was coming. ive felt the lead up for awhile but to be honest.#i havent had anyone to talk to i guess#i feel. very lonely.#like dont get me wrong i love my partner#and my sister is alright#but i cant only talk to two people ever who have their own shit going on and#never talk about whats going on with me#because i never talk about it. not really.#idk i dont feel like i can tell them everything#at least not yet#and i honestly dont trust my sister on some things anyway#but. that leaves my partner#and. idk i feel like im not. ready. to tall to them.#but then who do i talk to? certainly not the other members of my family.#definitely not my coworkers. my friends hardly talk to me as is so trauma dumping is a no there.#i currently dont even have health insurance so i cant get a therapist#i dont feel comfortable talking about this with a stranger anyway.#so what? im left with the issues burning my soul to be worked through. alone?#i just wish people. especially my friends. would ever talk to me.#do you know how tired i am. for 12 goddamn years ive had to intiate conversations first or else go without talking to anyone.#its exhausting#and yet i still try to be a good friend. check up on people. see how theyre doing. if i can help.#is it even worth it? they never check on me. does it even matter?#not that anyone will see this. no one ever looks at my posts. but. i dont know if ill make it to next year.#2025. if i live to see you. please be kind.
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’hikaru’ & yoshiki but theyre nennetti
cishet boy best friends behavior nothing to see here 🙈
#tshd#the summer hikaru died#hikaru ga shinda natsu#yoshiki tsujinaka#hikaru indou#yoshiki x hikaru#sardigna#idk if i should translate it#i feel like itd ruin the joke#oh well !#‘yo bro you lowkey stink like shit’ ‘what the fuck r u talking abt’ ‘yes dude u smell like u havent washed in ages’#‘oh gtfo. like what can i do abt that now ?’ ‘idk. btw not to be like gay or anything but ur literally cool (handsome) af bro’#this made me realize how many concepts n phrases can be reduced to a single word in sardinian. damn#btw. ‘nenni’ r like. the gangster wannabes of sardinia or wtvr. specifically of cagliari#idk how to translate ‘cess’ its like ��jeez’ i guess but not really. most of these words cant really be translated accurately#im gnna try 2 translate them#oja = hey / ouch / ow / aw; nenno = i said it earlier but also technically it just means dude / bro; fraghi = you stink (frago = stink);#tagazzu ses narendi = what the fuck are you saying; eja = yes; lillo = nenno slang for dude / bro; caddozzo = someone whos unclean / unkept#bairindi = get out; intzà = various meanings but generally its ‘and now ?’ or ‘so what ?’; abboh = a variation of ‘boh’ so it means ‘idk’;#cess = cant really be translated ? most similar to jeez but not really ? variation of ‘cessu’ which is the exclamation ‘jesus !’;#‘caghinery’ = 🚬 /🚬gotry ; togo = cool / handsome & its mostly used for guys but also js in general for things#also keep in mind that i dont rlly speak a singular dialect due to my family n friends but i think everythings in cagliaritan dialect here#also bairindi can be used as a variation of ‘wtf r u saying’ n ‘go fuck urself’ ig#and eja is also just in general an affirmation. like someone could tell u ‘im gonna go now’ and u could reply ‘eja’ to mean ‘got it’
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sometimes people who struggle like to make jokes or find positives about their condition that causes them to struggle so they can escape the constant negative and struggle. sometimes autistic people will say things like "the 'tism" or use the "autism creature" or say their autism helped them have a *positive trait* to feel better about their struggles. because living your life only focusing on the struggles and negatives is depressing and makes it hard to want to live, even if those struggle take up 100% of your life and you can't actually escape them. sometimes any little seemingly positive thing can help a lot.
but there's so many other autistic people that hate when we do that and call it "reducing autism to a cute trendy thing" and say it takes away from *their* struggles and is bad and shouldn't be used. maybe *you* want to only focus on your struggles, but some people can't live in constant negative and need some positive or to find ways to make their condition more positive so they can feel better about living with their struggles. life is hard. I take anything I can get.
I cant get jobs. I can't make and keep friends. I can't get help and support for doing "normal" things so sometimes I go weeks without being able to shower and without eating more than a bowl of cereal a day. most times can't even do things I like. struggle to communicate. have meltdowns. i'll never be able to live independently. I struggle a lot. but instead of sitting here always depressed and having no motivation to live, i'd rather try to joke about "my 'tism is acting up again" when i'm struggling (just an example. don't think I ever actually used the 'tism thing but i saw others use it) or say "i'm just being a creature" when I need to stay in my dark room because everything is too much and I personally find it cute to be a little creature meant in a positive way. i'm not actually downplaying mine or anyone else's struggles. I still acknowledge them and that silly jokes dont make them go away. i'm not trying to be trendy. i'm not doing any of the things people say we do by making silly little jokes. i'm using the silly little jokes to convince myself life can be a little more than pointless, painful garbage all the time.
(continue in tags)
#dont know why continuing in tags but here is more#sometimes we need to ask “why” and not just get mad about how we feel personally. because other people feel differently#yes im guilty of only thinking my feelings and situation and how it relates too and forgetting other peoples. i also need to learn#and everyone's feelings should be valid. just because something might “hurt” you it might be important for someone else#everyones feelings are valid. but we cant protect everyones feeling. so idk the solution#but stopping someone from having a small positive among a sea of nevgative seems a little mean to me#youre not being empathetic to their side. and i can turn it around and be not empathetic to your side and say stop being upset#and get over it and let people have fun. but i wont. i hear you. but at the same time maybe hear us too.#not everyone wants to live only negatively. youre allowed to but dont expect others to.#and yes i GET IT these things can make the allistics and neurotypicals be even worse towards us. but what do we do?#throw out any positivity we can find and grovel in our struggles because the allistics wont take us seriously?#DO THEY TAKE US SERIOUSLY WITHOUT THOSE SILLY TRENDY THINGS? NO! THEY NEVER HAVE#like i said i dont know the solution and everything still be used against us by those people anyway so might as well have fun?#if we focus on struggles they baby us and dont let us do things and block us from living life#if we focus on positive they dismiss our struggles and try to make us do what we cant and dont help us#we cant win! so its not “the 'tism” or whatever other things people made up that cause them to act this way#they already act that way and wont stop unless we figure out how to teach them! but i dont know how! im just a useless little creature#this is probably controversial and someone will get because i dont agree with their perspective despite respecting it#someome will comment to lecture me even though i get it. i do. but two things can exist at the same time!! idk what to tell you!#autistic#autism#actually autistic#lee rambles#words are hard so dont know if i worded it well or not. probably not#also why take away fun things because another group used it for bad? make them stop the bad not stop the good!#i also might be missing more context. i think is about tiktok using these for bad. tiktok is just bad in general and i refuse to use it#why tiktok dictate and ruin our lives now in general? tiktok is really bad 😂 but that another conversation#no one yell at me and say i dismiss struggles of struggling autistics. maybe you dismiss me needing negative thing to have positive?#not in mood for negative response. will probably cry fhhddhsjdjdjkd#today is real struggle day but if i be little creature i feel better
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#UAUHGG im havung oc thoughts. plaguing myBRAIN. i can feel my heartrate spiking holy shit#ok so. i rly wanna touch up presto and shuffles story without scaring myself out of it by overthinking it. esp the implications of#them having animal features and what they would eat. as well as worldbuilding character dynamics setting background characters ugghh.#constantly have to tell myself its just for fun. basically theyre rival magicians who keep their identities secret and fuck it up in#the funniest way possible LMAO. they rent the same apartment and the landlady accidentally gives it to both of them without them knowing#so they end up walking in on each other out of costume and have this weird tension around not revealing each others identities despite thei#borderline malicious rivalry. blackmail may or may not be involved i havent decided yet#they DO consider backing out of tenancy but they decide not to so they can make sure they dont reveal each others identities#thats the idea but its really abstract bc i dont have a direction or writing in mind. they just rattle in my head like spare change#other stuff i have rn is. they both consider each other a copycat and they have the same skill level of magic#but they have different styles and techniques theyre just too focused on outperforming each other to notice#presto likes to make people laugh so they probably include gags and impossible feats. shuffle is more elegant and focuses on#smooth movements and dangerous stunts. i want to make that reflect in their costumes but its hard bc stage magician costumes tend to stick#to suits and capes.. so idk. then maybe side characters like the landlady and other tenants but i havent given em much thought orz#i really should practice with concepts because i have a bad habit of making everything similar to the first try so its frustrating#and i suck at writing characters. but im doing this for fun so im trying not to get hung up on whether its generic or not#yapping#stares at the floor. maybe i should make a carrd for my ocs#oc talk#presto#shuffle
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We are coming into the year of the dragon and this is wonderful for every single yugioh fan, except me, who is the only person in the entire world apparently who doesn't like dragons 🥲
#i just dont get it !!!#like they're just mid !!!#theyre like... alright at best ??#and i hate that i am the ONLY person to feel this way#i feel like i have to defend myself soo hard because it feels so controversial to ever admit#like i feel actual GUILT and SHAME over this#i fear people will unfollow me for this#even though it's literally just a preference for what animal i like or dont like#like if someone just isnt into horses you dont get a mob of people booing them and trying to tell them why theyre wrong#but i feel like ive had that with dragons ??#idk its like when someone says theyre lesbian and your family are like hey have you met Derek derek is amazing you've not met a derek before#people be like og you dont like dragons have you just tried X francise ? youll love it trust#like NO!! i just want to be respected for what is apparently the weirdest and least common thing in tue whole world to not fuck with#i feel very invalid if im honest#especially as a ygo fan where so mych of everything is dragons#i dont even like the duels im literally here for the characters#im not a monster girlie 😭#i have said ky oeace im sorry for the vent#happy year of the dragon to those who celebrate but i will be mourning the year of the rabbit for the next 11 years#whew vent over yall can hate me and unfollow me now 😔😥#im so sorry
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You mentioned how actually endearing and compelling Justine/Verity and John/Shaun's bond is, and BOY I so agree with you. I don't see people talk about them often sadly, but I genuinely think it's one of the strongest parts of the game and its narrative (in particular John's character development itself, despite that he appeared pretty late in the story, his involvement in the final sequence was really tasty. "If I kill someone for revenge I'll end hurting people dear to me, so it all will be pointless" hmmm if there isn't a certain samurai guy in another game who needed to learn this as well... but I digress)
Prosecutor's Gambit's parent/child theme is a pretty heavy handed topic, but it's not like there aren't some really amazing parts in this whole deal! I kinda don't even care about the mastermind as much as I care about John (and Kate Hall for this matter)
THEY ARE SO IMPORTANT TO ME!!!!!! I think much of their appeal comes from Justine's shift in personality after her connection to John is revealed (like her joking about smashing Edgeworth's evidence with her gavel), but also every interaction of theirs is so sweet and lovely.
I love how protective they both are of each other, and it makes all the more sense when you take into consideration that Justine wasn't much older than a child herself when she decided to adopt him. I love how they take care to show that, yes, to an extent, they both do look after each other, but Justine is still very much his mother, and she does her job well. The scenes where she's strict with him are so deeply important to me. You know she studied parenting books and did everything she could to prepare herself for this life. And yeah, John is such a great kid!! Genuinely one of the best parent-child relationships in the series to me.
I found it kind of funny how every other relationship in AAI2 involved a dad HAHA It was so much, but I get it. They really wanted to make sure you got what they were going for, and hey, most people seem to like it. I really liked Gregory's segments, which was a welcomed surprise. I didn't expect to love him as much as I did. And, yeah, the mastermind stuff did not work for me. It's probably because I didn't trust Simeon from the moment I met him (their heavy handedness worked against them in his case for me. They were pushing the idea of him being meek and unassuming too hard; I clocked it immediately as a red herring); but even the overall reveal and final confrontation were, like... eh. okay, then. HAHA The best parts of the game for me were those character interactions with the side character. Wasn't really paying attention to whatever was going on with Simeon and the president, but John, Justine, Sebastian, Katherine, Gregory, and Raymond? My actual world.
Also taking this opportunity to share all the screenshots I took of John and Justine <3 :
#i feel like some people have misinterpreted what i meant by 'telling' in the original post. i didnt mean to imply the father relationships#were badly written just that i resonate more with mum and child relationships whdisgdk#asks for the notebook#thank you for the ask!! idk what to say about justine and john because like. everything about them is wonderful. just look at them. how can#you not adore them. they're everything.#i feel like aai2 kind of tries to do too much personally. im not big on the twist villain who was planning everything from behind the scene#this whole time they come across very cartoon character to me (and simeon is definitely like that. i dont find him interesting or menacing#at all he kind of bored me sorry simeon fans) and i think it would have benefitted from having fewer characters or threads they were trying#to follow. i think the point was to feel like everyone and every interaction was importnat but it felt more like they would bring up whoeve#was convenient to bring up when the situation called for it to me. but i still really enjoyed my time with it. the writing for the side#characters was very fun i had a good time <3#freya talks aai2#justine courtney#john marsh#verity gavelle#shaun fenn#<- tagging so i can find my screenshots#long post
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dropping everything to look up zodiac compatibilities. for fictional characters. for fanfiction purposes.
#goood lord. i really am tired. i remembered caters aquarius but i had to look up trey#I KNOW TREYS SCORPIO. HE AND THE TWEELS SHARE W/ME I KNOW THAT ONE OUGHHHH ok anyway#since cater's best class is listed as astrology and he says it's fun to look at horoscopes or w/e i feel like i NEED to incorporate that#into the treycay im writing#i. dont know what im gonna do w/it but jfklsdjlfje#but omg:#'Scorpios tend to be more focused on emotional connections and intimacy' +#'Aquarius values their personal space and independence' hello thats so Them...#[scrolling down] 'scorpios can become possessive and jealous' that is NOT so them 😑#however i can still use that lol#i want to have a scene of cater and trey lookin at their horoscopes or something#actually doesnt trey or maybe cater specifically have a line somewhere#about cater sometimes doing the fortune telling for trey for fun or practice?? am i making that up????#i swear 2 god i thought trey had a line about it somewhere#but i have NO idea what context he'd be bringing it up 🤔#or maybe cater said it idk#i know cater does bring up horoscopes in his own broomquet story w/floyd#HMMMM well i got distracted from this cosplay anyway bye#god why is it already 4:30pm i hate everything im so tired LOL
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Really struggling with trying to figure out what's me. Like what I enjoy and what ideas/traits/desires are actually my own. I think it's beautiful that people influence each other and grow together, but I'm left feeling lost right now and wondering what's actually me.
#idk ive been thinking about it a lot and really struggling#hard also to tell what's the depression and whats actually something i don't care about#i feel like i can say that playing world of warcraft was something that came from me.#but it started feeling like a chore in Dragonflight so i stopped playing.#and now everything feels tainted by other's influence and i dont know whats me anymore.#although i do need to remember that i did start playing Dragon Age on my own but it only feels like it was influenced by others because#i discovered my one irl friend used to love the games and then i got my other irl friend playing them#but i dont know how much of going into physics was my own choice or just following the path i saw before me#although i loved physics when i started doing mechanics in calculus and thought it was so cool#then i found accelerator science and detectors and nuclear physics to be so cool when i did an internship at a national lab#and then i took the most direct route to get into doing research at that lab#but things have gotten so lost and tangled up with all the horrible stuff that grad school puts you through#and the horrible stuff from this collaboration in particular#that it feels like all thats left is shame and fear and none of the wonder or curiosity#everything i do or write or whatever feels like an opportunity to 'get found out' as a fake or just fill me with shame#i thought that getting a job offer would fix me and help me get through the bullishit but the pressure is makikg things worse#and with this job im wondering if im just doing what im told and being influenced by other's suggestions and wants.#(dont go to grad school. its literally the worst thing you can do for your mental health)#vent#okay this actually kind of helped so im glad I made this post#feel free to reblog if you relate
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i think a big problem with cw shows is how stilted and unnatural (lol) shit feels. was watching a few s14 episodes and this is like a prime example of exactly what im talking about
sam walks into jacks room and jack is sitting alone upright against his headboard looking at the wall. even if ur stuck in ur thoughts like jack is in this scene, why be in such an unnatural pose on a bed. thats not comfortable. jack also was sparring in these clothes in the last scene he was in, supposedly really stuggling and extering himself yet his clothes have no sweat on them and look newly washed and ironed. hes wearing shoes on the bed. pure virginal white shoes that look like theyve never been worn before, let alone worn during exercise like they supposedly are. there is no element of this that feels lived in. it doesnt feel real. this happens a LOT in mid to late seasons of supernatural and i think a lot of cw shows from the same era also struggle with this.
#if u say the things im pointing out arent actually weird its just that jacks weird - i dont agree#bc theres little things like this thru the whole show that make things feel so unnatural and weird. like everything is weirdly perfect#and its not just jack#and if its perfectly in character for jack to be sitting like this with his shoes on while sitting up in bed then maybe it SHOULDNT be.#maybe it should be acknowledged that this looks weird like sam should be like can you take ur damn shoes off the bed maybe#look at me begging for them to have written sam shaming his autistic son for his weird boy behavior. I MEAN IT THO#also sidenote same episode had a guy mention he got attacked by a monster in pheonix while maggie is like tending to his giant open wound#so ur telling me this man drove all the way from pheonix to lebanon (~17 hour drive) to recieve medical attention for this GIANT wound?#like there was no one closer? how did he not bleed out.#idk it just felt weird. it felt thoughtless. i miss early seasons where every line had a significance you could look into
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i want to make gifs but i dont have a gifmakers soul or patience so im just like
#like i know How to make them and think i make fairly nice ones#but getting the footage.... wrestling with photoshop..... aOUGH#i want to do those oc sets with a bunch of different gifs with the class stats romance and all that but getting footage....#how do you guys know when to record 😭#i also dont know how people get 'multiple' gifs in one image but i can figure that out#i think its smart objects which i just discovered bc of the new gif action i started using but idk how they work ive never used them#.txt#i just feel like talking today idk#ignoring the demons telling me that everything i say is stupid its fine
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it sounds so obvious now, but im pretty sure my physical problems rn can all be traced back to the fact that my brain and body has been in a constant hypervigilance and cortisol overload for 3 months straight. the dizziness, the blackouts, the acne, the constant nausea, the giant eyebags and sudden crows feet ?? Like yeah, no shit thats what happens when ur every waking hour is the equivalent of that camille preaker crying gif
#i know the fact that i faint every couple of days and go a little blind sometimes should be priority here#but it REALLY pisses me off how much and how quickly this (?) stress is aging me#id still like to look good even if i feel like shit. sorry#the worst thing is that im doing everything in my power to do all the right things#but since i dont actually KNOW why having sex affected me in such a weird way. I cant really take the proper steps to get over it#like.. i can treat the symptoms best i can but as far as the root of it all. i have no idea whats actually wrong or how to fix it#in some senses it seems pretty cut and dry- i cant remember my childhood. i was neglected. i have a bunch of issues#i have sex for the first time. i stop functioning. i go into a depressive episode. i cant sleep.eat.be around people#i feel paralyzed by fear at the most random of times and have to hide in a small space to feel safe again. i cry so much i pop an eye vesse#like CLEARLY something is wrong. and just in an objective sense it sounds like something bad happened a long time ago associated with sex#however ! life is more complicated than that and i think its unhelpful to make assumptions (yes im aware i might also be in denial lol)#i already know i have trauma so its not weird for me to exhibit trauma responses. and maybe that was triggered bc i wasnt ready to have sex#it doesnt have to have a sinister explanation. it might just be as simple as me not vibing with the guy and regretting it later#idk. obviously my reaction to it is violently out of proportion. but i might just be a sensitive person !#does that sound silly or reasonable? reading it back i still kinda wonder if its just the denial speaking but idk!#i really really wish i just knew what was wrong so that i could actually start to move on#i know im bumming u guys out talking about it but i cant exactly talk to my family and im trying to not unload everything onto my friends :#bc as supportive and wonderful as they are i can tell they feel bad and have no idea what to say#which is fair enough bc its a really weird situation! so i dont want to burden them more than what i have to for my own sanity#tw#?#diary entries
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≽^•༚• ྀི≼
#i try to be fine and just accept reality#and to think abt other things and just practice letting go#but omg sometimes i get these intense waves of longing#and missing him so so bad. & it hurts in a way where i feel so anxious and almost panicky#bc he's like alive and out there but i still cant tell him i miss him even#and even if i dont want to lose him in the way i am it is out of my hands completely#but him as a person and everything he is hurts sm to miss out on and lose#idk .. those waves of missing him just hit me smack in the face#even after a day of me being like im ok it's fine i will just go on it is what it is#but it is crazy bc there is not a second of the day i dont think abt him...#idk what to do i know it's insane but?????#i've tried to think abt it but like actually i dont understand.....#why is it all i can think abt constantly?????? :(((((#it esp suck when i cannot actually take these feelings anywhere but have to try to find a way to kill them#ughhh this has taken over my life... like actually from the first convo we had...#since then i haven been able to go a few hours without thinking abt him#and clearly theres smth wrong w me bc who does this??????#but idk what to do :((( it just hurts and sucks and im trying to do all the things youre supposed to#but yah like now i just suddenly freaked out bc im like omg wtf how am i supposed to live without him in my life at all???????#hes the most amazing person and even if i dont get to know him the way i wanna.. dont i get to know him at all anymore???? bc i csnt take i
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my thoughts on ddd basically boil down to "great game! kill the story with fire and sticks." which i think is about the coldest take ever. do not get me started on how nobodies having hearts is a dumbfuck plot twist i am so full of rage over that.
#it ruins roxas' entire character i swear#also sidenote soras evidence for nobodies having hearts is. hilarious#his examples are xion; namine; roxas; and axel#xion isnt even a nobody#namine is only considered a nobody on a technicality#roxas is generally an exception to a lot of nobody rules. also him having emotions and that being an abnormality is like. a plot point#and axel generally doesnt have emotions! he only ever has them relating to sora or roxas and he is genuinely shocked the first time he-#-realizes that he can feel something because of them#he literally dies saying '[roxas] made me feel like i had a heart... its funny- you make me feel the same way'#that weird ability they have to make axel feel things is a big part of why he cares so much about roxas and sora#and to say that 'he actually had a heart' is just a bad misinterpreting of what was already there#and if i didnt know any better i would assume there was a different writer for this game#its poorly thought out and directly contradicted on multiple occasions#plus you cant tell me xemnas really tricked all these people into thinking they didnt have hearts. like. at the very least VEXEN would have#also if they always felt things and xemnas gaslighted them into thinking it wasnt real#then why would axel notice anything special about sora and roxas at all. wouldnt he just treat emotions caused by them like everything else#-and talk himself into thinking they werent real? like its just not thought out#also to me it makes xemnas a less interesting villain. i dont mind his big secret plot i think its fine honestly.#but i much prefer the option of xemnas taking advantage of people who were desperate to him gaslighting and lying#its more personal taste but like. idk#also literally do not get me started on how this twist sucks for roxas' character. its just plain bad for him.#he fought tooth and nail and fucking died saying he deserved to exist whether or not he had a heart#and to look at him and go 'dont worry you get one now' is just bad! and i hate it!!#anyways. i fucking despise this games story#kingdom hearts#doodles#sora#roxas#riku#lea
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man im having a wanting to die kinda night again :(((((((((
im trying so fucking hard to make friends but i guess i just cant and just gotta die instead
#like if people dont wanna be my fucking friend just say it instead of letting me continue to humiliate myself !!!!!!!!!!!!!#its not like i can just magically KNOW which people do and dont want to be near me unless its super duper obvious#and i hate the fucking games of people acting like they really like me and then#NOTHING#just absolute jack shit#its this constant back and forth of making me feel good and happy and like maybe they like me#and then distance and Nothing#it sucks man#i just feel like im broken but i keep on trying EVERYTHING to fix it but idk what it is#because pretty much all my relationships or attempted ones go sour and like#if it was only a few thats one thing#but its all of them so its clearly my own fault#i just cant fix it if i dont know what im doing wrong#i guess i could just be with people that hurt me and drain me since at least they tend to stick around and are interested in me#pretty sure the universe is telling me that i dont and never will deserve any better#that i should just be happy being with people that make me feel like shit or hurt me#or just be completely alone instead
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Suddenly realizing I've had seizures before :0 but this was just the first one where someone who knew what it was was there to witness it (my girlfriend)
That's so cool and definitely not terrifying /s
#for context i dont spasm uncontrollably like people imagine seizures#i think from the outside it probably just looks like im having a bunch of tics and staring intently and being unresponsive#but then afterwards i end up being really confused and disoriented and forgetful#so its been very easy to forget about the seizures i had in the past because i didnt remember them#until just recently when i was like 'huh that felt familiar-'#from my perspective though its like uh idk its really weird#its a bit different every time but just in general#i tend to be unresponsive even if i can tell whats happening around me#i cant talk or control what my body is doing but i know what part is moving (usually jerkinv my head or arms)#my muscles feel either really rigid or really lax#and then my vision gets so weird#everything is sparkly like colorful static and the edges of my vision gets really dark#and there's intermittent flashes of lights or floating shadows#it feels like im extremely focused and very spaced out at the same time#i keep describing it like my brain is smashing all the buttons at once cause thats what it feels like#its also kinda similar to the feeling of being electrocuted? but i dont think many of you will know what that feels like#hopefully you wont at least#i just happen to#its like a weird buzzing just under your skin that doesnt exactly hurt but doesnt exactly not hurt either#it would be like the pain of a constantly tightened muscle- not painful at first but like strenuous to endure ?#and thdn painful if it stays like that or gets worse#i feel like im not allowed to say i had a seizure because i cant go to doctors about it so i cant get diagnosed >_<#but the thing is not bei g diagnosed isnt gonna stop me from having them#yay denial /j#im hoping theyre just dissociative seizures because god i cannot deal with epilepsy on top of everything else rn#and also because i cant see doctors right now sooo#god im exhausted and scared but i feel like those words dont even measure up to how im doing right now#i dont know. im just enduring#thats all i can really do i think#but i hope i dont have to much longer...
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to be like frank here, redemption is an ever going cycle. when youve been the problem, the toxic ex, the abuser, you have to know you will have to apologize for that for the rest of your life. you will always have to live with the guilt and conscience of knowing how you hurt that person, or mutliple people. and you have to constantly CHOOSE to not repeat that behavior, and its not easy.
when you meet a new friend the topic of who you used to be will come up eventually, and if you have changed youll be honest with who you were. you cant run from it. you cant try to round the corners and make it seem like the other persons fault, or like it wasnt as bad as it was. its really really scary. because everytime you open up about it, its not just the wound of guilt but its also the fear that theyre going to look inside and not like what theyll see.
but you have to keep moving on and you have to keep being honest. and you have to remember that everyone is applicaple for redemption, you just have to work for it and admitting you were wrong with no buts is the first step.
#anyways cna u tell im kinda going thru it LOL#ive always been a toxic person thats why ive sort of secluded myself from society i avoid human contact w non household members as much as#possible bcuz i feel honestly like im a ticking time bomb that just hurts everything i touch#i dont think its fair to have to have someone deal w my shit when its such an emotional turmoil so even though i want friends im making my#peace w the fact that i like honestl dont really deserve rhem? ik this seems MOPEY but its like this is my geniune non like baiting thoughts#i was an abuser in high school and in an abusive relationship where for the first half i was the perpetrator. i hit my ex and u know i dont#even have anything to add to it other than it was fucked up. i was selfish in bed and sex addicted and sometimes did anything for my fix.#i will and cannot lie about my past as being a shitty person. its scary to say and post but i have to be honest thats who i was that IS a#part of my history as much as i wish i could i cannot erase.#i dont rly even know what to add here honestly. just watching mias vid got me thinking u know#there is more to this story ofc the same ex i was abusive to was also abusive to me it was just split into segments. like i was the problem#for the first year and a half then it switched to them but its not rly rhe best place 2 share that story when im talking about my mistakes#im not trying to detract here i just want 2 get this shit off my chest again. ive talked about it before but not since remaking a few times#anyways i dont have any excuses well i mean i can pull a bunch out but im not going to cuz at the end of the day i shouldve known better#than to be a bitch when i knew i was being a bitch u know?#being the bad guy is a constant struggle where u will have to really really fucking fight yourself tooth and nail to change and i want to be#that person. i want to be someone who can be 100% honest about how shit i was to myself and others (which i do already do to my friends)#hopefully this makes sense idk anyways if ur struggling with being abusive or toxic im here for u. u can get through this and you can be a#good person it is within ur hands i promise u#ok love u goodnight#personal
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