#idk gonna talk to my therapist
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are you ever like. what if i'm faking it. what if it's all bullshit and i'm just. not enough. like. what if my diagnosis is wrong. what if the reason i can't concentrate and feel frustrated all the time is because i just suck as a person. not because i'm neurodivergent. what if i'm just a bad person and i can't fix or work around this. what if i just suck as a person. what if i'm just a shitty human being who is really, really bad at being a person. what if i'm faking it just so i can feel sorry for myself or something.
#got my neurodivergent certificate#idk gonna talk to my therapist#i feel so fucking anxious i wanna eat everything in my fridge and throw up and cry and get black out drunk#because like. what if it's a misdiagnose and everyone is just like this and i'm just bad at existing#what if the reason is just. i'm bad. i suck. as a person#i might need to make a vent tag#emo talks#vent post#might delet later if i remember idk
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im sorryyyyy i dont wanna be a mean bitch but genuinely i feel like im the one of only ppl who are actually alone bc i keep seeing all of these ppl complain abt how alone they are then they post a bunch of pics with their friend groups and they go on trips and celebrate their birthdays with friends and im like 😦?????????? im ngl i lowkey feel betrayed bc like yes sure we can relate on "feeling lonely" but ig at the end of they day im so sorry im not saying this to gatekeep loneliness or whatever but like u just cannot relate to what it feels like to not only feel lonely but also be alone and not even have people who want to spend moments with u. and feel and be like on your birthday you're alone. on your insta you're alone. irl u dont have ppl who even want to make plans with u. i know i know that everyone's loneliness is valid and you can still have partners and friends and feel lonely and that is valid i really do think so. idk i just feel so fkn alienated from everyone, including people who say theyre lonely - bc they still have ppl to talk to and ppl to be with and ppl who wants to be with them and consider them their friend lol.... i dont have anyone to take pics with or have groupchats with or go to concerts with or go for walks with and i dont have anyone to message abt stupid things or blah lahblahblah it doesnt even matter atp
#and like i am really really lucky that i have one person i talk to on a regular basis and have been for almost two years#and that he stills wanna be friend even if hes seen my insane person rants abt him on here#like genuinely i'd prob slowly wither and die without having had experienced talking to him#ig its not even only other ppl it is my avpd#if i just send a message thats like casual everyday talk between friends#im first freaking out abt it for hours bc i obviously deserve to DIE for even bothering them with a message#so even if i long for certain things its like well yeah i cant do that bc i deserve to die and im worthless useless and a bother and burden#and why would i force someone to waste time on me when they have ppl out there who are actually worth their time#i dont know#i just feel sad bc i checked insta and someone who talks abt being alone often posted pics of them celebrating their bday with friends 😭#and ofc everyone are valid to feel what they feel!!!! i know that!!!!!! it just hurts selfishly lmaooo#bc i am lonely but i will spend my bday crying in my room alone#like i have been for the past years#not even my own family wants to spend it with me#i talk a little abt plans w my mom and she acts like im holding her hostage 😭😭😭#so idk she'll prob agree but it wont feel great bc i know she doesnt really wanna spend time w me#anyway...... we're all alone as i get to hear all thw time#its just that most ppl who are alone also have partners and friends and family members or even a therapist haha 👍#i dont care tho its all good ^-^#also one of my old bully friends is marrid and just got her baby and she messaged me like hii how are u?#like what do u even want me to say.... cool... u have traveled the world u have found love u have made a ton of new friends#while still having your old friend group (that i got dumped by) and u even have your own kid#i am a fkn loser who should just die tbh#so yeah im doing great hahahha just gonna kms real quick 😸🙌🏻#but idc tho 😁
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i might've fucked up -.-
#idk what's wrong with me#god im so tired of being stressed all the time and im tired of it#just being fully my fault ugh why do i keep fucking up this entire uni thing#im just so stressed i freeze and i don't do the things i have to do i dont send documentation#i didnt sign up for ANY class yet because i just couldnt get myself to look at them and i think i fucked everything up and its going to#be a whole thing#idk i would just rather stay at home and do nothing but i cant so i gotta go#but i feel sick at the thought ugh#i dont feel any energy to do any assignments of even go to class already and im not even there im still at home#ughhhhhhhhhhhhh#im so tiredd i cant do this#i have to pack and i cant get myself to do it either#vent#sorry sorry sorry#i need to talk about it i cant talk to anyone here cause ill just get yelled at or something my fam doesnt get it it just makes me#feel worse ughhhh#idk if i should even go#i feel like im wasting people's time and money and my own sanity just to underachieve and feel like shit all the time but the one thing#that therapist told me was that i shouldn't drop out because it's gonna solidify my views that im constantly failing at everything so this#has been one of the main reasons im still trying idk maybe itll do something one day#but heyy if i keep at it maybe next month my uni will give me money so i can go to a psych appointment or something#tho tbh the more i think about it the worse i feel about THAT like yeah i feel like shit but i feel like if just was better and stronger an#less lazy i could do it all easily
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🍒
#mine#ts4#sims 4#the sims 4#simblr#sims#ofmd#ed#ofmd sims#i had an appointment w my psychiatrist 2day and it went rly well and im feelin rly good about it and myself rn 😂#she said she thinks i do have adhd and since i already take adhd meds (off label for treatment resistant depression) she said that it would#be a good idea to talk to my therapist abt this too#and we can adjust some therapy stuff to be more suitable#got a zoloft prescription for during ovulation because i guess that is supposed to help w/ pms#and she's gonna try and get my insurance to cover dyanavel so i can try that too#good things good things!#like. idk i feel like im on the cusp of something good and i NEVER feel this way lol#but this could maybe be part of the puzzle and one step closer to figuring myself out
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the imposter syndrome i feel every time i even slightly think i might be autistic is insane, specially for a person who highly relates to the lived experiences of people who are professionally diagnosed.
Like I was just watching this one youtuber, and she was talking about very specific examples in her life and childhood where she saw autistic traits that made her realize she was autistic and then seek a diagnosis and then get one, and everything she was saying was like she was describing my life! But yeah no, I can't be autistic tho
#and one thing that has been filling me with dread (as if it was relevant lol) is the idea of seeking a diagnosis and#either not geting it because it's already so hard to find a diagnosis for '''''''women''''''' (afabs)#and that will make me doubt myself even more! but most importantly those around me who already don't believe me#but also i'm very scared about this one thing in particular which is the talking to your parents portion of the diagnosis#where the therapist will want to talk to people who knew me as a child... and that person will have to be my mom#and i'm pretty sure she will dismiss most signs. like she would either not bring them up because ''they're normal''#or play them as less important than they were#or maybe she didn't even notice them! because most of my struggles are internal!#things like being bullied or having no friends or liking a routine#idk if she'll be able to talk about all those#because my bullying wasn't violent it was mostly dismissive#my ''friends'' weren't really friends like i didn't CARE for them as maybe someone would have#and also they would leave me for no reason at all out of the blue... so i don't think even THEY considered ME a friend#and liking routine i guess she could say i prefered it but she doesn't know to the extent i hated going off it#i'm sure she forgot about the time i cried (as a 10 year old so not THAT young) because they made us change classroom#and i didn't know that was gonna happen... it was added to the anxiety that i thought my mother wouldn't be able to find me#but like the unknown classroom traumatized me (to this day i get anxious just thinking about that)#like... all those things i don't think she would bring up (if she could even) and i fear that will make me not get a diagnosis#not that this is a thing that's gonna happen cause as i established i cannot afford a therapist nor i'll ever get a diagnosis i don't think#so like it's not relevant#but i am anxious about it nonetheless#angel talks#personal#idk what's my point with this post btw i'm just venting and creaming to the void#dkfjhgdfg
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#tw suicide#idk i feel like i am probably gonna kms after TIT#i would do it sooner but i asked one of my friends to come with me and it would suck if i made him go alone#and it is something to look forward to which is helping me hang on i guess#but ughhhh once uni starts again in september i know everything is gonna fall apart.#i already got an extension on my thesis due to being a useless shell of a person who can't motivate themselves to do anything atm#but i was supposed to get some work done over the summer and have so far done nothing#hence why i want to kms before i have to talk to my fucking supervisors again and admit yet again that i simply cannot do this 😭#and it's not just this. my executive dysfunction has been so bad over the past couple of years and it's only getting worse#to the point where i can't imagine being able to work at all. and if i can't work i can't get out of my parents house#and then what the fuck is the point.#every time i see someone on here talking about bonding with their parents over dnp I'm like damn what's it like#to have parents who actually want to talk to you DSFGJJKL i know they let me live in their house at my big age#but that's only bc id literally be homeless otherwise and they're not like evil. they just don't love me#also went through a deeply embarrassing breakup recently#tl;dr ive been in love with this person for over a decade and i thought they were the dan to my phil or vice versa.#then after 10 years they left me and i'll spare the details but it has me wondering if they ever loved me#i thought it was a “let's live together and get a cat one day” relationship#but now i feel like for them. it was just a “sex and video games” type situation#i am trying soooo hard to at least be creative bc that makes me happy sometimes but it's hard to not be overly critical of myself#and now im getting to a point where i can barely even find any joy in this space any more. for a bunch of reasons#most of which revolve around me being extremely sensitive. and this is like my last bastion of dopamine so that fucking sucks#idk i don't see the point in my life any more. a social worker actually told me recently that i should consider euthanasia so.#it's just completely over for me i fear#this is not even mentioning all the damn migraines. and all the other ways in which my body simply doesn't work properly#sorry for this weird ass vent I'm not in therapy any more bc i couldn't find a therapist willing to treat me+all my diagnoses at this point#and im scared my friends will stop wanting to talk to me if i talk to them about this. several of them already have#the 2 friends i have left anyway. that's a whole other thing. when they said it's hard for autistic ppl to make friends i took that persona#so uh at this point it's vent here or develop a substance abuse problem. and im already halfway to having a substance abuse problem#anyway dan and phil for the love of god please fucking post something tonight. unfortunately you are my only hope
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there r fics that make u insane (so amazingly good it’s removed ur sanity) and then there’s fics that make u insane (you need to fistfight the author for how they did a specific thing that caused u to rant for hours)
#i know i just posted that other thing but ffs that is NOT how u handle someone in that situation everyone involved made everything 10x worse#yet it’s being treated like the right thing to do (which again ofc they’re cops they don’t understand harm reduction but still) like#seriously everything’s so forceful like u seriously think forcing ur friend to talk to u or forcing a patient to talk to a therapist under#the threat of being admitted to a psychiatric hospital is gonna make her feel comfortable talking to u? or anyone? she’s just gonna trust u#less and get better at hiding it and speaking of which the taking away all sharp objects thing makes sense in theory but like think abt it#for a minute she confirmed she isn’t suicidal and this is her only way of coping so do not just forcibly take away all her coping mechanism#like yes she is hurting herself but it’s a COPING MECHANISM. she’s coping with something. help her with that don’t just take away her penci#sharpers or whatever (which btw since she’s an adult she could easily buy more stuff and yk learn to hide it better) which again has to be#voluntary it isn’t gonna work if u force someone to do smthn they don’t want to like as ur friend u could’ve made it clear u care abt her#and wouldn’t judge her for anything and r here if she wants to talk don’t just say “you have to talk to me” and casually threaten#hospitalisation when she isn’t ready in the moment like seriously if this wasn’t a badly written fanfic she would completely stop trusting#bcz given that this wasn’t even done out of panic i would like ffs u are NOT doing any of this right#oops sorry ranted abt the bad fic in my tags-#it’s not where the author’ll see it and know it’s about them i don’t feel bad abt it#this was my first time even looking at stuff for this fandom so#cw self harm in tags#idk if i need to tag anything else for that 😭#fanfic#ao3#ryan shut the fuck up
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like i could get a therapist but like, how am i supposed to be a tortured artist if i'm not... yknow... tortured
#this is sarcasm i hope y'all know#the issue is i'm extremely picky about therapy#which like isn't a bad thing#i just don't really want a therapist that i don't click with firstly#secondly i don't want someone that is going to try and tell me what to do off bucks#i want it to be 75% listening 25% like them suggesting stuff to me#i mostly want someone to vent to and to help me work out my emotions and then be like yeah btw what you're doing? dumb#but idk about opening up to a random person now that i'm more secure in my identity and shit#and also i'm just worried that someone is gonna think my problems are trivial#idk#i'd rather try to therapist myself than rely on someone else to do it#rip#talking
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Ask Polly - 'I Hate Myself and I'm Miserable Every Day!'
#ask polly#words#note to self#when sad#i REALLY needed this right now#i feel so much shame and self hatred it's eating me alive#i need to find a therapist just like polly recommends the person in her reply bc idk how to forgive myself on my own#if only it wasn't so difficult to get an appointment/find a good therapist but i think i'm gonna try again#i genuinely need help and someone to talk to it's gotten so bad again and i've kept so many things bottled up for years#☁️
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I hope you're not too down on your luck & that all things work out for you.
(not sure about you, but I am not really ne that likes to be hugged when feeling negative & wanted to be sure for you to! So head pats)
Thank you Moon head pats will do just nicely ;; <3
This whole week has just felt iffy and off to me, the latter half of today felt worse. Idk if its depression(cuz it sure has been a while since i felt that) or my trouble with sleeping or if I'm just dissociating again but i do feel like im having some sort of emotional disconnect with a lot of stuff lately. It's just been all so blehhhhh ＼(;´□｀)/
#the cryptid talks#im trying to fix my sleeping to see if it helps#idk#maybe ive just been cooped up in this house for too fcking long and its really taking a toll on my mental state#it just kinda feels like a spark in me is dimming down a bit#and the need to interact with people is lessening by the day#man i kinda wish vera was my therapist#wouldnt that be something#not gonna lie your message did make me tear up a lil bit#i appreciate you ;w;#who knows maybe by next week i'll feel just a smidge better#im going out with my fam tomorrow to see the new kung fu panda movie so maybe thatll also help
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a little moody, irritable, quick to anger, tired, sad out of nowhere, unable to force myself to things i don't want to do. unrelated but i do think hrt is going well and the hormones definitely aren't doing anything abnormal to me 👍🏽
#7#it's all mild and manageable but it was funny to me#talking my therapist like 'idk nothings really changed but i'm feeling all these things and struggling with it' &#him having to be like 'you are quite literally changing before my eyes.' like alright. you have a point#gonna take a nap or jack off n then feel better abt it later bc that's life now ����🏽
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🕸🎀˚.⁺⊹
#so i have an appt. to the psychiatric department for personality disorders tmrw...#and like i tried sending a self referral to them last year lmao#and they only said that heyyy you're doing amazing sweetie you are high functioning 🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻#then i've ben to the health care center and since they think they cant treat me bc it's too severe they've sent referrals to other places#which have all declined me... so they also sent one to the psychiatric who sent a referral to this pd department#who that time also said that they can't accept me#so the therapist at the health care center like idk exactly but she sent a report on how they didnt handl my case properly#which made them call on me for an evalutation appt.#but i have 0 hopes. i honestly think the entire psych care is fucking lame and bullshit#i highly doubt they're even equipped to treat personality disorders#& even if they are theire budgetis getting cut bc ppl love having rightists ruling the government .... which means no funds for healthcare#anyway. PLUS it's a man.... -_- which reducuses my chances of being taken seriously even more...#i also hate talking to male therapists/psychiatrists... no fucking thanks. but i have to </3#i just really dont wanna go. like im gonna have to put energy into trying to argue for my right for treatment. w ppl who should inferstand#UNDERSTAND* i hate typing on my ipad ffs. they should understand my personality disorders..#bit health care proffessionals are horrible ppl and dont give a fuck abt their patients lol. so they're only condescending and rude 🤢🤮#i hate being in these environments bc everyone treats u like shit. the receptionists are so fkn rude and almost outright mean and insulting#the doctors and therapists and psychiatrists are all bullies who look down on u and make u feel small and worthless#so im really dreading it... but im also at my wit's end. i am missing out on my entire life. im desperate for help#even if i wholeheartedly believe that these worthless wastes of space wont give me any treatment i'll still need to go and try#then ig i'll just have to keep pestering the healthcare system. i might wventually even have to start going to the psych. ER so they put#that on my records and like idk. that costs money tho. plus from everyone i've heard from...#being at a psych ER esp when your situation isnt dire is awful and hell#my cousin who had been ther after a sui attempt had said that it 'scared him straight'#and that it was so terrible that he did everything to get back home as soon as possible and do whatever to never end up there again#so yuh... i'd rather not!#i was supposed to (my own decision) to write a list with ALL my symptoms and bring and be like LOOK MONGREL!!!#but since i suffer from avpd...... i havent. i procrastinated and now it's too late whoopsie. i'll just have to wing it fuckkkk 🥴#ofc it also has to be 8.45 .. so early in the morning for me im so mad ahhhhh i dont wanna go i am throwing up and screaming#but atp i'd have to pay $35 myself for not going so that will motivate me enough to force myself to go
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like if therapy and meds help you that’s so cool but it drives me insane how people treat those as some magical cure all that EVERYONE needs to seek out even though the psych industry is fucked and biased and not affordable and if trying to find a good therapist or find the right meds is doing nothing but causing you even more stress and anxiety even after you’ve been trying to get help for years than maybe it’s not worth it at that point
#do people just like forget that every med has a shit load of potential side affects??#that can make your mental health and even physical health WORSE??#like no one in my family has actually had meds work for them#they just kind of. didn’t do anything for me and my#brother is cursed with getting the Bad side effects of any medication he takes#so like#and when you have mental health conditions that entail#having an incredibly difficult time opening up emotionally or even talking about vulnerable topics#what’s the fucking point#I’d go thousands of dollars into debt before a therapist would ever get me to open up#and that’s IF I was lucky enough to find one that worked for me#also no psych is gonna solve the housing and economy crisis lol#they can’t do anything for me being depressed cause I’m stuck living in a tiny apartment crammed with other people!#even therapists and psychs have straight up told me I don’t seem to benefit from their services#idk just like. if you see that a mentally ill person isn’t on therapy or on meds by choice#consider there’s a reason for that and mind your own fucking business lol
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i've been considering recently that i might have ocd, but i'm like. not sure it's even possible to have both ocd and adhd? i've tried doing a bit of research on it but i can't find anything definitive - just that they have almost exact opposite patterns of brain activity. like, there's definitely something going on with me but i definitely, absolutely have adhd, so if it's not possible to have that and ocd then this must not be ocd??? idk
#like i was talking abt it with my friend who has ocd#and they were like idk man that sounds like ocd.#and i've thought before that it might be but then brushed it off bc i thought it ''wasn't bad enough''#but now i'm starting to seriously consider it and i'm like. idk if it's even possible to have both#and i was reading abt kids with ocd being misdiagnosed as adhd and i'm like no i for sure have adhd#and honestly these things i'm noticing now didn't start until i was older#whereas the adhd stuff has been as long as i can remember#i'm working on getting in contact with a therapist/psychiatrist abt it (and also for other mental health stuff)#but idk if i'm gonna look like an idiot going in being like hey i might have ocd?? and they're like that's just physically not possible#rey rambles#ocd#adhd
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yknow when my therapist closed last week's session with a "so next week is the election please talk to me before considering dying" talk I kinda brushed it off but now it's two days away and there it is, that funny feeling once again.
#my diary#(feeling the need for a trip to inpatient amirite)#nah I'm fine I just wasn't expecting to dread it this much this time around#the amount of cognitive dissonance required to survive american politics is truly incomprehensible#the closest I've ever coming to understanding eldritch horror#there's a post that goes around here periodically that talks about how americans don't really have a cool kaiju like japan has godzilla#and I'm not really into kaiju media much but my friends are so I've been seeing more of it#and idk that post got its hooks into my brain and I got to wondering how a kaiju would manifest here#like what would that look like#but brother I think the kaiju is us#the american empire is the kaiju being inflicted on the rest of the world#and we're in-the-hills-in-the-cities-style bound to this unstoppable empirical monstrosity that's consuming and destroying the whole planet#and at this point in my life I feel like I woke up from the matrix but am still stuck and plugged into the battery pod#too weak to break free but you can't un-awaken (at least not entirely)#so you're just....... stuck in the pod and forced to occasionally re-enter delusion land to cast a ballot#like the ballot is going to affect the giant squid robots back in the real world somehow#this metaphor is getting away from me which means I'm ruminating so I'm gonna go play splatoon now#all this to say I hope kamala harris wins#and ha ha hee hee hoo hoo my therapist was right I'd get weird about the election even though I thought I'd be normal and fine
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I forgot how much being sad just sucks ass
#mine#I haven't felt this miserable since before I could say ass#my check in w the psych is next month and I thought surely I'd just wait and see if my depression was Really That Bad but damn#it might be Really That Bad now#idk I'm gonna talk w my therapist in two weeks#fml for scheduling everything so far apart
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