#she said she thinks i do have adhd and since i already take adhd meds (off label for treatment resistant depression) she said that it would

[deezneezz]

Leona & ADD

I got a few ppl (on twitter) wanting me to elaborate on Leona and ADD, so I figured I will share my thoughts here as well, please be nice it's just a personal hc. You don't have to agree at all!! Since it contains some personal experiences I ask of people to please be kind about it!

Anyway, Leona and ADD.

I think a lot of people usually agree on Floyd and Kalim having ADHD, but Leona actually shows a lot of lesser talked about traits of ADHD. Namely Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), sensitivity to clothing/textures (he doesn't like restrictive clothes).

He also has the more commonly talked about traits of course, executive dysfunction being a big one. And his depression definitely exacerbates these traits, when i was undiagnosed and depressed i used to sleep my entire days away. I wasn't getting anything done anyway.

Not to mention not sleeping properly, so I was desperate to find moments to sleep during the day. I've slept on floors, on toilets, in an abandoned corner in uni instead of going to class. I was just *so* tired all the time I didn't want to sit in class, I wanted to sleep.

I was lucky I passed classes without studying, cause i would've never gotten through uni otherwise. I still took longer than necessary. The moment my support system (Ruggie, anyone?) graduated and left I had no one taking care of my basic needs, and I certainly didn't.

I had a dorm mate who cooked for me, made sure I had even an ounce of self-care, and also looked at my room and said "hmm, Deniz, maybe it's time to clean up a little" and then I very reluctantly admitted that it may have gotten a little out of hand.

She would just sit in my room sometimes chilling around while I cleaned cuz that was one of the few ways I cleaned at all (this is a real thing for ADHD, called body doubling. It works). Ruggie arriving at NRC and Leona suddenly performing tons better in school is no coincidence.

Coming back to RSD.. I mean I don't really have to explain it do I.. book 2, Lilia's scathing remarks, the shame of disappointing his dorm, etc. I know a lot of ppl call book 2 an 'overreaction' but like, this is genuinely what it feels like internally when RSD triggers

book 6 too, Jamil's over-protectiveness is clearly (to the audience) smth that's mostly Jamil's own habits and trauma doing. But to Leona it's a rejection/insult to his ability to take care of himself, his skill, etc. This was genuinely smth that set me off too.

"How dare you try to explain to me smth I already know, do you think I'm stupid?" "You're not like me." The unwillingness to admit that someone may be relatable in any way because making any comparison to yourself makes you vulnerable to what you haven't achieved for yourself.

"I would ace these classes too if I wasted my time and life studying as much as they did, but I actually love myself." <- guy who was jealous and did not know he was coping and didn't study cause of executive dysfunction and concentration issues.

Leona clearly knows a lot about the things he genuinely cares about, Ancient spell language, chess, magishift, so its kind of funny to see him so low effort in classes. Though honestly i know the game also says that "Leona already knows all this stuff" so.. who knows really...

Now I'm more chill but I used to legitimately go off the handle a little cuz RSD doesn't really care about whether the shit u feel is proportional to the offence it physically hurts in your chest and you just wanna burn down the world at that exact time and... IS THAT NOT LEONA...

TLDR: give Leona therapy and meds, lol.

[raqi-marr]

this isn't really a hdgpost so much as a reverse-hdgpost: when thinking about the issues inherent in the affini as a universal caretaker race and the way it centres the role of disabled people as basically 'to be taken care of', it got me thinking that like: if there was ever to be a "Human Domestication Guide 2" - not as in a HDG 2 set in the compact universe, but like, another setting that appealed to autistic disabled trans people - i think i'd like it to be more about how disabled people can help each-other and what they can do to survive in an ableist environment

like, i have a polycule now and i got said polycule because of the HDG community, and everyone in it is disabled in some way shape or form (also 4/5 of us are trans), so i naturally end up drawing comparisons between hdg. the thing is, i actually don't find that much representation for our group dynamic in hdg, because the whole thing is that our polycule has been us basically fighting the entire capitalist system to try and eke out both survival and happiness in circumstances where we're severely disadvantaged to do so. i get why it is that hdg doesn't represent us: hdg is about the wish fulfillment of "what if you didn't have to do all that shit." and that's fine! i don't mind that! what im saying is: i just wish there was kind of a 'HDG 2' that dealt with "ok but you do have to do that, here's a setting about trying to find some sort of meaning in that struggle"

personally i've found it incredibly life-giving and joyous, the way that a lot of us happen to have skills and resources that compliment the needs of other people. the one non-trans commune member is the stereotypical Guy In The Polycule Who Works, but he's also lonely and depressed and we function as basically his entire friend group, so for him, we're helping him out by providing very important companionship, and like, giving him something to live for other than wage slavery and a grind

meanwhile my beloved @dumtranskitty-3 who is the only other person i will namedrop since i talk about her plenty on here already has single-handedly made me so much less depressed and worn down since we started going out. my role in the commune is basically to run and organise the whole thing (mfw im a fucking manager) and the main challenge of that is not unaliving myself from anxiety to do with having to write multi-thousand word documents planning where we will flee to if X country descends into fascism and starts putting trans people in camps. i have the least executive dysfunction of everyone and make sure people take their adhd meds on time/remember to actually eat meals and not starve, but i will die of depression if left alone; which is where she comes in, in making me way less miserable

basically, i think the fact that a single affini can just Do Everything is kind of boring, and it's more fun to have a setting that explores the fact that like, you need different people for different things. irl no one can be an affini, no one can actually just do everything, every person has their own strengths and weaknesses, needs and resources; even disabled people

[bomberqueen17]

smorkles

So anyway. I don't remember when I last posted about anything and I'm not going to go look it up.

I don't start back at the farm until May 13th. My cabin has no electricity currently but there is apparently a trench being dug, and it will contain both a real electrical line (not a duct-taped extension cord!) and a water line??? of some kind??? with actual potable water??? sounds fake but ok.

but I am going to, not quite the farm, this week, leaving tomorrow. And i am going to stay with my middle-little sister. Because her housemate moved out, and her house needs some renovations, and now she's thinking she needs to sell that house and downsize to a smaller one, and that's all fine but like the main thing she needs to do is to get rid of like 3/4 of the objects she owns, and i say this from a place of I also have to get rid of like 3/4 of the objects I own and I dont' know how to do it or how to make her do it either and hate the entire concept of the process. But hey. There it is.

I am bringing her a kitchen table and a whole-ass tree that was rescued from dude's work office but is too tall for our ceilings. she has higher ceilings. we'll see how this goes.

i feel like i should be sort of retrospecting on what i did this off-season. right? like my life is in two annual chunks: farm work season, and not farm work season. Farm work season is usually April-ish through the beginning of December. And then since the beginning of December I've been doing Not Farm Work and I have no idea if I've achieved any of those goals. Did I set goals? IDK.

I did want to get my ADHD shit sorted out. So I started seeing a therapist. And she's admitted she's like, for short-term stuff, and needs to get me passed along to more of a specialist type person maybe. IDK. I've been told to form habits, told to buy a notebook to turn my life around with, and in other doses been fed things that i have largely seen before because i have been living like this for like, 40 years.

anyway. and also i tried all the basic meds, everything's "here try this and see what it does" dosages have given me negative side effects and no good effects, so if I want to continue trying to medicate myself I need to actually have a psychiatrist who I can ask questions of and get a response faster than two weeks. (That's how long it took to hear back on whether I could stop taking atomoxetine when it started giving me really bad anhedonia. Thankfully i had already figured that out on my own twelve days before, because i could not have lived like that for those twelve additional days, it was really bad. also he was like "and discontinue wellbutrin" my friend i discontinued wellbutrin in 2014 so i'm not sure who this was addressed to.)

but. yesterday's conversation, the therapist was going on about different things-- I had been given a rundown by a friend about the different types of behavioral therapy that existed, and how some of those might be more useful in trying to make concrete improvements in one's life, and my person was like "the thing is most of those are just fancy names for stuff you've largely already encountered so there is not going to be a magic technique that fixes you" and it's like

the thing is when have i ever said "find magic technique/drug that fixes me" is a therapy goal? That's not my goal. My goal is explicitly "figure out better coping mechanisms than what I have because brute-forcing normality for as long as I can and then feeling real shitty when I can't anymore isn't very sustainable", and no, I don't think that ACT or DBT is going to magically fix me, but if I can find more tools through a coordinated approach, wouldn't that be good?

What i can say is that so far using a lot of CBT-lite language and making lists has actually given me a borderline-pathological avoidance of my Special Notebook, in which i can no longer write but i do still carry it everywhere like a talisman (it's very useful. not), so I'm writing essays on discarded envelopes because I can't even use The Good Scrap Paper for this, when I tell you I've scarred myself trying to figure out how to make a fucking to-do list I'm not exaggerating.

So I have an essay written on an envelope from which i'm trying to extract, like, a thematic through-line to guide me in what to do next, and then a bunch of witterings in a discord convo, and I wrote a list of things I want to bring, and I did go move some furniture just now so I can get that table out of my house at some point.

Anyway, though, mid-conversation, the therapist was like, "have you ever heard of smorkles?" and i was like "i'm -- what? smorkles?" and she was excited and was like "oh this one will be so good for you!" and i was like "Sporkles? Smorkles? I'm not sure i"m hearing you, can you spell that" and she proceeded to spell out the word "smart" which

yes I do know about SMART goals actually, they are a management technique from the 80s that my dude uses extensively in his job as a staff engineer (which is like management but not quite) in his very corporate job at a very large software company, and he had laid out the criteria for me very earnestly once on a walk. so i do in fact know about them but not how to really apply that to my own life, and would need to figure out how to break that down, and i need a lot more steps than 'find a pen' and 'buy The Notebook That's Gonna Turn Your Life Around' to make that work.

but anyway.

i've decided now that smorkles are my new technique. and yes also smart goals but I think I'm going to call it "smorkles" because then I can make memes about my commitment to smorkle motion etc.

i need to figure out what SMORKLE is an anagram for. er, not anagram. the other thing.

[lady-harrowhark]

How's your jaw?

Ahhh hi!!!! It's doing okay! It's been a little over two weeks since I did the injections and he said that it takes about two weeks for it to fully kick in. I think I'm clenching less overall, but by the end of the day I still usually have some degree of muscle pain in my face. I think I do a lot of like, habitual constant clenching (almost like "in the background") and then have shorter bursts of more intense clenching interspersed that tend to be more related to focus/immediate stress/etc - it seems like I have less of the background clenching and I'm better able to catch myself in the moment with the more intense episodes.

Stress, caffeine, and my ADHD meds definitely make the clenching worse in general, so like usually I try to take fewer/lower doses and lay off the caffeine when I have less on my plate BUT I'm currently working on some of the last revisions for my thesis (I'm so close to being done with this thing forever and I'm ready to dropkick it into the sun) so the stress+caffeine+no med breaks is kind of inevitable right now. So actually it's pretty impressive that I'm noticing any difference at all even WITH those factors at play.

It's been really interesting that my masseter muscles already feel slightly smaller and definitely a lot.... softer? Like when I bite down and touch them, it feels more like a ball of stiff clay rather than a golf ball lol, like I can push into them a bit with my fingertips which I definitely could not do before. I genuinely did not realize how overdeveloped they were before this - I was talking to a friend about how the dentist had said I had "the Arnold Schwarzenegger of masseters" and I had commented that I don't really know how mine compare to other people's since I don't exactly go around feeling people's faces and she had me feel hers and uhhhhhhhhh WOW. I was genuinely shocked at how minimal hers felt in comparison. Apparently it is NOT normal for your masseter muscles to feel like actual golf balls under your skin, who knew!!!!

The injections themselves were pretty painless, most of them less painful than like a flu shot. I got a lot of uncomfortable pressure in my ears almost immediately, but I suspect that has more to do with how I had to spend quite a bit of time clenching/biting down hard for him to examine the muscles and place the injections. I've had a lot of chronic ear issues over the years and some Eustachian tube dysfunction type stuff, which tbh may very well be related to TMJ dysfunction. The ear pressure dissipated after two or three days, and it could be a placebo but it seems like they've felt less full since then. Other than the ear pressure, I did feel kind of generally achy and vaguely yucky the first two days afterwards, almost like I was getting the flu. Apparently that's not unheard of but some Tylenol took care of most of it.

Importantly, I haven't had any other bits of bone poking through my gums! Time will tell in that regard, since there was about five months in between the two times it happened. The area of my gums where the one piece of bone came out feels a lot smoother/flatter than it did before this whole debacle, which makes me wonder if there wasn't some general inflammation or soft tissue build up around it. The other side of my mouth does have a bump that seems to come to a point and my regular dentist said it does feel kind of sharp beneath the gum tissue, so I wouldn't be surprised if it eventually pushes through but at least if that happens I'll know what's going on.

I go back in two-ish weeks for follow up and he said I'll probably need more injections then but that it likely won't be as many as before. The first round he did 60 units but I don't really have an estimate as to how many it might be for the second round. As long as it helps, I don't particularly care how much they inject, although less is definitely better for my wallet. I haven't heard back on whether or not insurance will cover it. They probably won't since it's an off label use and teeth are considered optional by insurance companies, but the clinic said they would at least try to get it covered, which I appreciate.

[mad-j-j]

Chose the best time to order my ADHD prescription in a pharmacy last minute it seems, since there's a shortage of the meds. I now have to go fetch it an hour away from where i usually pick it up where they still have one in stock - which I am more than ready to do so my brain doesn't turn into a depressive/confused/overstimulated/understimulated mush for a month.

But it just hit me that when the pharmacist triple checked that I would pick up the meds, and that she said "because otherwise people who really need it wouldn't have it", my first go to, in my brain, was "Ah yes, I am being selfish taking this for myself, she is calling me out." Not, yknow, "But I'm one of the people who really needs it!"

I find myself barely functionning WITH the meds, and I am already thinking of the nightmare being without would be, but I am still putting my needs last and pushing myself down. Getting tired of having to advocate for myself against my own gaslighting.

[frogofalltime]

22.02.2024

today started off well despite having only 6 hours of sleep overnight, because i actually turned up to my morning class and it was about sharks and fish !! i am a huge fan of sharks so it made me really happy.

i held some shark eggs and my lecturer also brought a fresh dead fish to show us its anatomy lol. i took pictures and videos to share with @etherealspacejelly because it is even more autistic about sharks than i am :)

then i went to the library to study, but on the way i stopped to look at this beautiful tree

then when i got to the library my day became Bad™️. there is some coursework that i thought was due next monday, but when i opened up the instructions to make a start on it, i found out it was actually due tomorrow, and i did not have the time or energy to get it done. i panicked and didn't know what to do.

i asked robin for some help, assuming he had already done this work because usually i'm the more disorganised one. but they had not started it either and they were struggling a lot. there was a Situation which i misunderstood, and that made them upset.

we had a lecture after that and it was hard to concentrate. then as we walked out of the lecture theatre a girl i lived with for 2 months in 2020 and have not seen since somehow recognised me, called out my deadname (and mispronounced it too), and tried to talk to me, which i was not prepared for, so i kind of freaked out and ran away. i did not get on with her at all when we lived together, and i know we have both definitely grown up a lot in the last few years, but i was already stressed enough, so i couldn't deal with her just then.

i caught up with robin and another friend who had kept walking without me. neither of them seemed in the mood to talk much, which is understandable because of stress / illness / autism etc. we went back to the house to eat and work on our assignments.

then i had mentoring to help me with autism and adhd related issues. i told my mentor that i stopped taking adhd meds and i am so tired, i keep falling asleep in the day, and i'm extremely stressed about my assignments, so she helped me to get an extension on my deadlines. that helped a lot.

she had also brought her service dog in to work and he was the loveliest thing i have ever seen. stroking him really calmed me down too, although i always get a bit of a moral dilemma when i interact with dogs because muslims say your prayers won't be accepted if dog saliva gets on you, but i don't know if i believe that.

there was one more lecture which was pretty boring and felt like a waste of time. i almost fell asleep with my head on the desk. then finally i could go home.

when i got home i sat down to decompress. robin messaged me to apologise for what happened earlier, i said i was sorry too, and we sorted it out. i did get rather upset, but it was okay, i think i needed to cry to get out all the stress anyway.

finally i ate, got ready for bed, and fell asleep almost immediately. i had very weird dreams. i think i slept for around 10 hours, which i definitely needed.

also my extension request was approved, so i can take my time with all that coursework, which is really helpful :)

[thislittlekumquat]

Would it be too intrusive to ask what your doctors solution to pmdd related woes was? I have the same woes currently and cant help but be curious what worked for you (totally understand if you'd rather not get into it, dw!)

Oh, not at all! So mileage will def vary with this one, but since my cycle is pretty regular, and since I got pretty sick the last couple of times I tried to do hormonal pills (I'm in my early 30s so I've gone through a lot of different attempts at fixing various ailments), my doctor actually has me taking prozac for two weeks out of every month (I start two weeks after I start bleeding, and stop when I start bleeding again). Basically there are certain SSRIs (I think my options were prozac, zoloft, and lexapro) that if you take for short bursts, you don't necessarily deal with withdrawal symptoms when you stop. I was not on any other psych meds, and I have taken prozac in the past, so we tried that one first. I'm sure each month will still be its own adventure, but last month instead of spending 10 days feeling like everyone hated me and like I'd rather waste away in bed than do literally anything else, going to bed at 8pm every night due to sheer misery, etc, I had a day or two of moderately worsened anxiety right before bleeding and that was it.

I also have a cocktail of ocd/adhd/tourette's that I think is already valid enough reason to try an ssri. So like I said, your mileage may vary, but if you have a good primary care doctor or an obgyn you trust, definitely ask them about it! If they don't know, there's def literature about it, because my doctor talked through two different methods she had clearly been refreshing herself on before my appointment. (And apologies if you're not USAmerican, those drugs might have other names where you live, but I think google and wikipedia are good at sorting that out!)

[nei-ning]

So, I met therapist today. She was okay old lady but I was still so anxious that I kept shaking while visiting her - and she noticed it.

I wrote her a list of all symptoms which are common to ADHD and autism but she said we can't focus on those yet because of my depression and anxiety (um, ADHD and autism both actually cause depression and anxiety).

She asked about my eating and I told the truth: body wants food but still I don't desire anything. Like people usually want to eat certain food in certain days, I don't. I eat chocolate since that keeps me alive mostly. I eat to stay alive, not to enjoy food. She then asked do I ever go in the local restaurant called Old Fox and buy food there with me. I said I know the place but have never been there. Again she asked would I buy food from there. I said no because I rather buy ready foods from market but STILL she asked the same question, adding that I could get food from them with -50% discount at evenings. At this moment I was thinking doesn't this lady know how much restaurant dishes costs?! Even with discount. I still said I rather buy ready food from market. I get more food from there.

We chatted a bit more when she finally said she would give me 6 weeks sick leave but since my application to social support has been granted at the end of next month, sick leave now would mess it all up so she will give me sick leave later in May.

She also sent me in blood test to test vitamins. Of course I didn't know about this so I drank a bit of pear juice at the morning. I told about this to the nurse who took my blood. She stayed she would write little note down about that.

Therapist also gave me new meds. She told me to stop taking my current one today, be without meds for 3 days to see how it all will effect in my sleep (because, so far, all depression meds have cause me horrible nights with little bit of sleep). On Friday I take this new pill which SHOULD give me energy. However, she told me if I get horrible symptoms from it, I can quit taking them right away.

Lastly, she told me she will send / escorts me forward in this little local hospital which is more specialized in severe cases what I am. She said I should go there next week already and go there weekly (in some kind of rehab) to get over my anxiety and become more social - or so I understood. Heck, didn't all that freak me out! My anxiety instantly flew to the sky (even now too). I told her weekly visits are too much, once or twice a month would be more better since I KNOW I'll freak out every time, I KNOW those visits will exhaust me. Not to mention I don't know is it like 1h visit or 4h visit.

She will contact this special little hospital and will call me later - or they send me a text from that hospital. Uuggh, anyway, things are going forward but at the same time I'm, once again, so anxious I feel sick, my guts are twisting, I feel my throat growing tighter, I feel like I'm shitting in my pants and so on.

[visionof-lumen]

us when during our intake appointment our new psychiatrist hears of our 5 billion "hobbies" and immediately responds by giving us a rundown of bipolar symptoms and asks "do any of these apply to you?" :: 🤯🤯

uh . Fuck Yeah they applied. she said she wont diagnose us just yet but if our symptoms continue for another few months she'd definitely put it in our file ^^ yippe???

she also questioned why we're on the max dose of a popular med to help treat bipolar and have been on that med for a few years . despite it obvs not getting rid of the hypomanic symptoms. which we had no answer other than "well. [we] didnt even know it was for bipolar , so..."

it feels so WEIRD to be validated by having bipolar [ type 2 !! ] even though our mom has said since we were 13 that we probably have bipolar, since she has type 1 ... we dont feel like we have bipolar but then we look at the symptoms and go "ohhh . oh yeah. yeah that makes sense" . so its really funny that we doubted ourselves on it while our new psychiatrist sees that shit day one...

even our friends [ online ] said they knew that we had bipolar already when we told them what happened DX .. everyone knows but us!!!

also one of our friends just said they thought we were already diagnosed w adhd which is fucking hilarious because i dont think we've Ever brought that up & we have it NOWHERE in our files as far as i know????

[ of course this isnt taking into account the fact that Everyone We Know could be wrong . but i feel like thats a little unlikely?? ]

[frogofalltime]

day 8

today started off pretty good, i got up as soon as my alarm rang, had breakfast, got ready, took my meds etc

today my dosage was increased which is a bit scary but i can't say for certain if it's made anything better or worse

around midday i walked to the students union to meet my friends and on the way there i suddenly felt a sharp pain in my left side underneath my ribs. i have had some pain there since the weekend, it was hurting when i coughed, but this new pain was constant and much worse. it made it hard to walk but i didn't have much further to go so it was okay

we held some beautiful creatures at the students union !!! i never imagined that i would one day have a skunk asleep curled up on my lap but here we are. i was so happy that i forgot about the pain for a while.

afterwards i walked home because we had an online statistics exam at 1pm. however the pain got worse and worse and it was really hard to keep walking. i felt like i was going to throw up.

when i got home i procrastinated for a while before finally starting the exam. i was in a lot of pain which made it really hard to focus. luckily i get extra time and rest breaks in exams, because of disability accommodations, so i was able to take breaks to move around, go to the bathroom, eat lunch, etc.

i finished the exam, it took me around 2 and a half hours. i think i did well but i am not sure because the pain was so bad and it was distracting me a lot. i didn't want to take painkillers because i'm already on two medications and i feel like i have enough weird stuff in my bloodstream

i was going to go to a local protest for palestine with @wiggles-mcgee but it hurt too much to move so i had to stay home, unfortunately. i felt quite upset about this and i felt like i was stuck.

my mother called me and i told her what happened and she says i probably pulled a muscle at the weekend from coughing too violently and then it was triggered today when i was walking ?? idk. she told me to rest as much as possible and not leave the house until it feels better.

after she put the phone down i procrastinated for a few hours because i was going to study and then cook dinner but i didn't have the energy to do either of those things (because i had socialised then sat an exam and then talked on the phone, all of which take a lot of energy from me)

then i got a message from @etherealspacejelly saying they were feeling really bad side effects of the meds and had to go to hospital. so of course that made me panic a lot, especially since i couldn't go with him because i live 10 minutes away and i literally can't walk

i had a pretty bad meltdown. it lasted quite a while. when that finally subsided i was feeling far too sick to cook or eat. and i was also still very worried and constantly checking my phone. i couldn't do anything else because of anxiety.

also i found out you're not supposed to take adhd medication if you're on antidepressants or have mental illnesses ?? but my doctor prescribed it to me anyway even though i have all those things ??

i talked to robin for a while and they realised that i hadn't eaten and encouraged me to get some food. so i had some soup and toast and nuts at around 2am. which is a weird time to eat a meal, i know, but it had been over 12 hours since lunch and i couldn't sleep anyway so it made sense

now i'm procrastinating washing my dishes. robin is finally home from the hospital after many hours. the doctor said it's okay and the meds should settle down in a few weeks ?? which kind of sucks because why would you have to keep taking medications that make you ill ?

i'm going to wash my dishes and then i think i will shower before i go to bed because i feel very weird and my head hurts and my eyes are all puffy so maybe it will help. it's literally 4am. yeehaw

honestly i was very unproductive today but that's because i went to meet the animals in the morning, had an exam in the afternoon and i was in so much pain, and then the hospital situation happened, so i definitely have an excuse. also i am worried about having a similar reaction to the medication as robin, because he is feeling very unwell from it, and i don't want that to happen to me as well :/

so yea stay tuned for more updates i really hope the pain in my left side goes away soon so i don't have to visit the hospital too

[homiro]

Today is being wildly eventful and I'm just high enough to spill on here

So

- Woke up at 4am after going to sleep at 2 and couldn't fall asleep again because stress and lack of meds and also sperm donor being an egotistical ungrateful piece of shit

- A friend paid for my meds so I went to the city to get them

- Got an email from shitty prof saying we have classes tomorrow but I can't fucking go especially since it's not even a real fucking class and I don't have money to come to the damn city again

- For some reason ADHD meds are hard to get without ordering them and it was sold out or something in 6 different pharmacies. Save for one who miraculously had one bottle

- I was crying by then and had to walk a lot

- Decided to go to a church to feel the energy maybe shake off the goddamn evil luck

- Unsure if that worked

- Walked to get the meds and had to keep focused all the way because everything was overwhelming

- Got meds, then went to sit and have some tea

- While having tea a guy and a girl sat down at the table in front of me and started talking about the wildest stuff while the meds hit for me. She looked and by the sound of it was some sort of mini IG model and he looked like he was part of a podcast. She was wearing foundation two shades lighter than her skin (she was white, mind) and it was absolutely caked and I don't mind saying that because she randomly started slut shaming other women while the guy just laughed awkwardly. Then they started talking about jail and torture. I think they both had ofs because they kept talking about taking pictures and "doing things for money" before the random jail talk

- I wasn't hungry at all so all I had was a cup of caramel coffee and a cookie from Subway

- Decided to take the bus because it was cheaper than the Uber and I was in no condition to walk more especially considering that I still have to walk home (on the train rn)

- At the bus stop I stood up to let this old lady sit and she was very grateful

- Lady didn't know my gender and said like 'oh thank you sweet girl or boy I can't tell but you look lovely'. Made this miserable week feel less shit. Yes it's only Tuesday. Pray for my ass I guess lol

- Went to get some drawing paper for my brother. Some old man at the shop was asking the clerk for glue and she pointed him towards the glue but apparently he wanted dentures glue lmao and was trying to get it from irl AliExpress

And that's all for now, let's hope the rest of the week is mostly uneventful because I'm losing my mind already

My phone also said: gender.

- Adding because it's still going. Someone on the train is becoming the joker over a cancelled appointment very eloquently calling out incompetence absolutely spitting bars still going slam poetry who barely even stuttering goddamn power to this person. And someone was singing the Homer Simpson Spider-Pig song and is rooting for this person.

-Update: Made it home. But not before more wacky stuff. Saw this old lady who had some cats and was doing crochet in her van and said my sperm donor should die while saying she hoped god blessed me my brother and my mother and also my uncle and showed me this religious pamphlet thing. Then right after I saw a man training some sort of bird to be outside. After that I saw a man with his goats and finally I got in the house intact somehow.

Nobody cares but look at the goats. Yes I'm very rural and my phone's quality is pretty bad. Adds to the charm. All the goats had bells.

[dagasinfilo]

couple years back i went to a new doc by recommendation of my then psychiatrist. she was young and seemed empathetic even if a bit cold so i got myself full of illusion. i talked about my arthritis diagnosis, how i was never properly informed about it, how i don’t know it’s specificities, how it was at best semi-formal (even if initially we did get a second opinion, who agreed with the diagnosis, even though by all means the whole thing was a form of manipulation from my parents. long story). i talked about other symptoms i couldn’t correlate to the arthritis. i talked about my mental health. i talked about my in/ability to function and how it was impacted in both fronts, and how each affects the other.

she talked about differential diagnosis. she talked about a process that would start with basic bloodwork+testing for arthritis (i assume autoantibodies). she talked about several steps. she told me to exercise and stop smoking. i was elated. i’m being listened? considered? believed?

i went and got the bloodwork done. a couple months go by.

i go get my t shot (same hospital, only public hospital in my town). i talk about the whole experience, by request of the social worker that’s usually there.

“you don’t have arthritis”

… huh?

“the results came back,” the doctor that provides me hrt, who’s also a general practitioner, gesturing smugly towards a computer screen. “they’re here: you don’t have arthritis”

… huh.

by this point i was already going through one of my absolutely worst years mental health wise, for reasons completely unrelated.

i didn’t make a new appointment.

until last may. i had gotten my adhd assessment and diagnosis and had been on meds for it since january. and man! i didn’t feel perfect but i felt confident enough. and i figured, hell, better take care of this other thing before the snowball gets too big, ya feel?

and so i went back.

“why are you here”

a coldness runs down my spine.

uh. i- um. i’m, well, you know, i uh sorry i took so long! i was having problems, but um you know how last time we did some tests, and you said you were gonna order more to s-

“all tests came back fine. have you been exercising?”

ah yeah i mean well kinda, i-

“you need to get some exercise. and stop smoking” she then spends an amount of time talking rapidly about how there were so many ways in which i could die if i didn’t stop smoking, and how she wasn’t gonna tell me about them so i don’t freak out. i think. i was overstimulated from sensory hell in the waiting room and was already struggling when i came in. by this point i was barely processing anything.

“get some exercise and i promise that will fix everything”

i meekly agree. my mind is blank. id been on complete autopilot since some minutes back.

i walk the same 40 minutes back home that i walked to get there, at the same briskish pace i usually walk when alone, which is the fastest, and the slowest pace my short legs and hyperactive brain will allow respectively, as usual disregarding any pain or soreness or weakness, which is what growing up disabled, raised by a disabled mom who’s terrified of looking disabled, and by extension terrified of you looking disabled, will do to you.

it’s almost august and i still get little glimpses, windows that open as suddenly as they then close, of memories, understanding, feelings from that ~25 minute appointment. things i didn’t remember, things i then promptly forget again. things i dont, that then stay with me.

thinking about anything related makes me jittery and nauseous. it makes me feel like i need to peel all the skin from my back and shoulders. it makes me confused and hopeless and extremely alert

this is not new to me. i had felt that before, for different reasons. thats the brand of feeling that consumed most of my late teens and early 20s that i ended up getting a ptsd diagnosis for.

and i guess that’s why i haven’t gone to the er for the rib thing nor the sudden struggling with balance and muscle weakness that’s barely letting me walk of late

[appreciatingtokrev]

that's true, i just keep reminding myself that nothing last forever but i am a bit sad about the ending. do you normally go to an art museum? ah, i suppose life is full of surprises, you never know what is around the corner. that's great, it's better to see things as the cup half full than empty.

i think gi will still be the company's most successful game. do you just stick to PC games then? isn't hsr the only one whose have a voice for the MC? i'm always phone based so i'm lost with the letters lol. wait, you can play it in class? 👀

don't worry, quite a few people retake a year no matter what country they are in so you're not the only one and i understand retaking a year more than once can be a bit demotivating but you can get through this.

just try not to beat yourself up about it, you are trying your best. yes, extra time to re-evaluate some options, would you like to goes into the STEMs? or another field?

i can imagine lmao, some kpop fans are too extreme though where they end up becoming saesangs. which kpop group did she introduce you to? i am an ex-kpop fan so i no longer know about the current groups.

those earrings would stand out wherever you would go especially since they are gold coloured lol. i have actually seen some shorts on YouTube of users styling their wigs and it's look like a profession because of how hard it look 💀 i'm wondering you might find a 15th february person? who know lmao but birthday twin would be most exciting. our time zone difference seem to be one hour apart so we should be able to wish each other on our days? i'll probably come off anon when it happen 🙂

you can take another shirt that fit you properly and ask them to use the shirt for guidance or get proper measurements. i just scrolled up the sleeves for mine lol. it is only the sleeves and nothing too complex so i can't imagine it will be expensive.

yeah, of course. i feel the same whenever any of my friendships or relationships or whatever end bc at the end there was still a lot of love and care involved. i love going to art museums <3 i generally love art and museums lol. i visit a bunch of museums every year, usually with my father, my godmother or said friend i mentioned. so yeah ig i usually visit them?

agreed lol, i mean hi3rd was already big before genshin but genshin topped it off still. omg my phone literally only has 16gb of storage so i can’t play any games on there ajdkffjskaj meaning i very much stick to my laptop. hi3rd doesn’t have a mc the way gi/hsr do and kiana does have a voice plus gi’s mc is occasionally voiced (only during cutscenes i think?). the mc in hsr is definitley voiced a lot more tho. i mean... i shouldn’t be playing any video games in class..... but always work on our devices anyways....... and i’d much rather play hi3rd than do french in class... ajdkfjdjsk (i’m not a good example of a student ajdkgkksj)

aa ty :) i’m doing great in school rn bc it’s all topics i’ve had before at a different school haha and i hope it’ll stay like this for a while, but let’s see. i’m also in the process of getting meds for my adhd so hopefully i’ll be able to study easier sometime in the future. honestly idk what i wanna do later rn... psychology or biology, specifically marine biology maybe? i’d love to be a marine biologist, but i get sea sick :/ though at the moment i’m mostly leaning towards studying medicine so i can work in forensic medicine. but luckily i still have at least a year to decide.

yeah, the kpop fans... she mostly introduced me to stray kids. i’m not like a big kpop fan, but i do have a playlist with kpop songs i like bc of her lol.

aren’t they silver colored tho? i made mine in silver at least ajdkfkks. but yeah, agreed. yeah, wig styling does look difficult tbh 💀 but. i believe in myself. if i believe enough it’s got to work...

maybe, who knows. ohh no more anon z next february 16th :0 hehe, i’ll gladly wait until then :3

ahh i have no long-sleeved shirts that correctly fit me ajfjfjhsk the only ones i’ve got left are from when my parents made me buy them bc i dislike them and prefer oversized hoodies and stuff by a lot lol. thanks for the tip though

[thedudeplayinggalaga2]

See You In The Morning?

Kate Bishop x GN Reader

3K Words

Warnings: Mentions of injury, Angst, Language, Questionable punctuation, I think that's it?

A/N: This is the very first full fic I've ever written and Grammer/Punctuation has never been a strength of mine. I also have no idea if this story makes any sense but I had a good time writing.

You had forgotten to take your ADHD meds this morning, and now you were really paying for it. As you sat at your desk stopping and staring and stopping a multitude of different tasks without actually finishing any of them. 

It was Kate's fault really, she had completely thrown off your routine as she had a tendency to do. It was a rather chaotic routine but it still got you out the door in enough time to grab breakfast and make sure you took your stimulant before getting to work. 

But last night Kate hadn't come home, she had sent you a quick text telling you not to wait up. This happened fairly often since you'd moved in, and she would usually come home at 3 or 4am. But she hadn't made it home till this morning when you'd already been up and getting ready for work. 

You grimaced to yourself thinking about the conversation you'd had with her. 

"How's your other lover?" You'd asked

"Listen I know that's a joke but it's not a very funny one! I'm so sorry, I really am! But this mission I've been working for weeks finally had a big break and I needed to follow this lead! I'm so close to catching this guy!" 

"It was a joke, and I'm glad you made some headway on your mission, but I did feel sad and concerned when I woke up this morning and you still weren't home." You said this to her with your back turned as you made lucky his breakfast. 

You heard Kate get up and walk over to you, she put a hand on your shoulder. You turned to face her and had gotten the first good look at her face since she'd gotten home. You gasped "Kate, that's a pretty nasty cut above your eye! What the hell happened!?"

"I... Well.. you see there was a guy with a bat and.." 

You didn't give her time to finish cause honestly you didn't think you wanted to know the rest. So you'd pulled her into the bathroom and started cleaning and patching up her various wounds before having to rush out the door so you would only be slightly late to work. 

And now here you are, having a highly unproductive day and also worrying about Kate. She had been having way more late nights than normal recently, and pretty much always came home a little beat up. She definitely wasn't getting anywhere near enough sleep, you assumed this was probably why she had been super distant as of late. And last week she had forgotten about Lucky's vet appointment which was probably the most concerning thing of all. 

You've been with Kate long enough to know and understand that this is just what dating a superhero can be like sometimes. But this time it was really starting to effect your relationship for some reason. Things where so inconsistent between the two of you, partly because you never saw each other and partly because when you did Kate didn't talk much about anything of substance. 

As Kate had grown more distant you'd started to get shorter with her, finding less and less patience which you normally had a bottomless amount of for her. You'd also stopped planning dates with her, stopped waiting up for her even if she said she wasn't going to be too late, and you'd been regrettablely a little too harsh with her when she forgot Lucky's appointment and you'd hauled ass across town to take him. 

Sitting at your desk, switching between the same three programs over and over again you started to tear up. You didn't like this, you didn't like feeling so disconnected from her. You hated how you two seemed to be living completely different lives. Because goddamit you loved Kate Bishop so much! You loved being her partner. Kate was absolutely wonderful! She was passionate, brave, and very caring. She used her skills and talents to help other people, something you admired very much about her. She made you feel seen in a way nobody had ever really seen you before. But most of all Kate made you feel safe, not just physically but emotionally too. She had always felt like home. 

----

The subway commute home was never your favorite, it was always so busy this time of day and wildly overstimulating. But you tried to spend the ride figuring out your game plan for when you got home. You wanted to talk to Kate, if she was even home, but you didn't want to create conflict especially if she was going to be leaving again tonight. 

As you walked into your apartment Lucky nearly knocked you to the ground, absolutely showering you in kisses. 

"Ok! Ok! Lucky I love you too! But we talked about this buddy, you can't just jump somebody at the door!" You said pushing him off before giving him a scratch behind the ears. 

You checked that Lucky had water and decided to let him outside as you assumed he'd been inside all day. Then you went to search for Kate. 

You found her passed out in your bed on top of the blankets letting you know she'd falled asleep as soon as she laid down. You smiled though as you noticed she was wearing one of your hoodies and probably your sweatpants too. 

You bent down the kiss the top of her head before settling down next to her in the bed. Stroking some hair out of her face you couldn't help but smile at your beautiful girlfriend and her slightly battered face. 

"What time is it" Kate mumbled so quietly you could barely hear what she said. 

"It's about 4:30 my love." 

"You're home early." 

"Yeah.... I was having a really bad brain day so my manager told me to just go home." You hoped she wouldn't press any further, but that was wishful thinking. 

Kate finally opened her eyes to look at you, worry evident in them. "Must have been a real bad brain day for Stark Industries to suddenly prioritize mental health over productivity." 

You let out a soft laugh, "Well I definitely wasn't being productive so more likely it just seemed like a waste of company time for me to be there." 

Kate sat up against the headboard next to you, looking even more worried, she tapped your forehead softly with her finger "What's goin on up in there?" 

You gave her a half hearted smile, "Well I forgot to take my meds this morning which isn't the end of the world but it definitely didn't help, there's also no way I've had enough protein today, and ...." You trailed off trying to decide if now was really the best time to tell her that you were also very worried about her and about your relationship. You decided against it because honestly you couldn't remember the last time you'd just sat in bed with her and you wanted to keep those vibes goin.

"Yeah, that's pretty much it."

"Hope you weren't trying for an Oscar with that performance, because I definitely didn't buy it!" Kate said teasingly. 

You groaned looking up at the ceiling "Sorry Kate, I just feel a little overwhelmed right now." Which was entirely true, you did feel very overwhelmed and your brain was going about 200 miles an hour. 

"That's okay, how about we get some food and take Lucky for a walk?" She said suppressing a yawn. 

"Are you sure? I know you're probably exhausted! You can rest more before you have to go to work." 

Kate put her hand on your face stroking your cheek with her thumb. "Yes I'm sure baby, you're having a bad brain day, so let's get some food in you and take a little walk. Also..... I've missed you." 

You leaned your head into her hand a little. "I've really missed you to my love."

----

Kate treated you to your favorite restaurant that had some outdoor pet friendly seating so Lucky could join. And now you were walking through central parking doing your best to keep Lucky from trying to chase squirrels. 

You'd been walking in silence for a few moments when you finally broke it. "Kate, I was also having a hard time at work today because I was worried about you. And well, also about us...."

Kate slowed down and turned to look at you with a frown on her face "Worried because I was hurt this morning? Because really it was nothing! I appreciate you patching me up, you do a better job than me, but really I'm okay! It looks way worse than it is!" She rambled. 

"Well obviously I don't like it when you come home hurt, but it's more to do with how distant you've been. I know how important what you do is, and I would never ask you not to do it! But... You haven't been home much recently, and when you are you seem so distant...." You trailed off realizing you didn't know where this was going. 

Kate was quiet for what felt like forever but than she said "This guy I'm trying to catch, he's like really really bad, like I would tell you how bad he is but I really don't want to burden you with that knowledge. It's really hard for me not to think about it when I'm home I guess." She was just staring at the ground now as you walked, and the way her demeanor changed you could tell that this was really weighing on her. 

Before you could respond she continued, "But, what did you mean that you're also worried about us?" Her voice getting quieter, almost nervous. 

"Well.... I guess I just feel like we are living two completely different lives, passing like ships in the night hardly ever seeing each other. And when we do it's like you're not actually there, or I'm being grumpy with you. This is the first time in weeks we've actually had dinner together. Kate I love you so so much! But I'm getting worried because I want to support you, but I can't do that if I'm always being shut out."

You sat down on a bench taking Kate's hand in yours as she sat next to you. You studied her face trying to figure out what she was thinking. 

"I don't like shutting you out.... I just want you to be safe and to not have to deal with the things I do." 

"And I do appreciate you leaving out the gruesome details truly, you don't have to tell me everything, but it would be nice if I could at least know what you are feeling sometimes. Because otherwise I have to just try and guess."

Kate nodded her head looking out into the park thoughtfully. "Well right now I'm feeling like I'm absolutely failing at everything! I spent all night tracking that son of a bitch for nothing! I've really dropped the ball on my relationship with you, like I caused a whole ass bad brain day for you! And last week I forgot about Lucky's vet appointment!" 

You opened your mouth to something but Kate quickly cut you off "I swear the god Y/N if you say anything about the vet appointment I'm emailing Pepper Pots to tell her you steal all your really good ideas from your intern!" 

You gasped dramatically clutching your chest for emphasis "Okay! Uncalled for! But Pepper would know you were lying because my intern, bless his heart, couldn't tell you the difference between a PDF and a JPEG with a gun to his head." 

"Okay! So a bad threat but I hope I made my point clear." 

"Yes, I swear to never speak or the vet incident again. And I also will apologize for being so harsh on you about it too." You said more soflty "I definitely could have handled that better, I made it a bigger deal than it needed to be and you didn't deserve that. What I was going to say is thank you for telling me how you're feeling, it helps me understand where you're heads at a bit better." 

You were going to say more but Kate leaned her head on your shoulder and started playing with your fingers causing your brain to short circuit for a half second. 

"Do you think I'm failing?" Kate asked in a whisper. 

You stared at her hand intertwined with yours for a minute before responding. "No Kate, I don't think you're failing, I know this bad dude is giving you a run for your money, but he doesn't know who he's up against! Kate Bishop, the world's greatest archer! You're gonna get him, you always figure it out." 

Kate sat up and gave you another small smile, she looked down at lucky who was now sitting at her feet enthralled with a stick he had found. "What about us? Am I failing at this relationship?" 

"My love, the fact that we are sitting here having this conversation is proof that neither of us are failing." You truly did believe that, and also kind of said it to reassure yourself too because recently you'd been wondering the same thing. "I knew what I was getting into when I agreed to be your partner. I knew there would be nights spent without you, secrets I couldn't know, and the occasional missed vet appointment...." 

"Y/N!" Kate said warningly

"Last time I swear!" You said quickly putting your hands up. "But recently you haven't been talking to me about.... Well... Pretty much anything. And I miss you Kate, it feels like you've been gone for weeks and I miss you." 

Kate looked at you with tears in her eyes "God I've missed you too Y/N. I do want to talk to you about how I'm feeling and what I'm doing. I just don't want you to get caught up in all this. I don't want you to get hurt." 

"Well right now it's hurting me to not know anything that's going on with you." 

She nodded "Yeah, I understand, I feel like I don't know what's going on with you right now either, like I don't even know what your current hyper fixation food is and I always know that."

"Well right now it's those little babybel cheeses, but last week it was BBQ chicken pizza from that place down the street from us." 

"I bet Lucky enjoyed that one." Kate leaned down to take Lucky's stick before he shredded it more than he already had. 

"Oh he very much did! Everyday I come home without it he looks at me as if it's the greatest betrayal he's ever experienced." 

Kate stood offering you her had so you could continue your walk. "Y/N I promise that as soon as I catch that bastard my first priority will be making sure we get some quality time together okay? And in the meantime I will be better at communicating." 

"Okay, I love you Kate, and I know you're gonna get him!" 

--- 

You had gotten back home a few minutes ago and you were getting Lucky his dinner. You expected Kate was in your room putting her suit on assuming she would probably be heading out soon. So you were surprised when she walked into the kitchen wearing her signature purple sweatshirt and your sweatpants. 

"I do need to go back out tonight but I thought it'd be nice for both of us if we maybe watched a movie or something before you go to bed?" She asked hopefully. 

This made light up instantly, but then you frowned at the prospect of having to try and pay attention to any entire feature length film. "I would love that, but seeing as I didn't complete even one task at work today I just don't think I'm gonna be able to watch a movie." 

Kate looked thoughtful "Good point, should have thought of that. Okay.... How about we watch TikToks together with New Girl playing in the background?" 

"And that Bishop is possible the best idea you've ever had!" 

So you and Kate spent the rest of the evening cuddled up on the couch doing exactly that. 

---

You and Lucky had just gotten into bed for the night and Kate was getting ready to head out. She came and sat on the edge of the bed leaning in to give you a kiss. "Y/N if I don't get this guy tonight I don't know what else I'm gonna do." 

"Well, have you asked Clint for advice?" 

"No, he's on vacation with his family and I don't want to bother him."

You nodded, being sure that while Clint loved Kate and was always helping her out, he probably wouldn't appreciate his family vacation being interrupted by whatever it was Kate was doing. "Okay, fair, well I'm here for whatever happens. I might not be a superhero but I do work for a very powerful company and Jerry from the biotech department owes me about 20 favors. And I'll be her to patch you up, just try not to break anything cause then I really will have to insist on taking you to the ER." 

Kate gave you a massive grin as she said "You're my superhero though." 

"Okay! That was so cheesy it was physically painful to hear! Imma need you to go now!" 

Kate responded with the first genuine laugh you had heard from her in weeks before leaning in to give you another kiss. 

As she left the room she turned to look at you and Lucky all tucked into bed. "I love you both, I'll see you in the morning?" 

"We love you too! Ummm... If it's not too much to ask, do you think you could bring me breakfast in the morning? I have to do two days worth of work tomorrow and it would help a lot!" 

[whitchygaythem]

Sometimes you just gotta chew on things to focus

"Ceceeee" Rowan said in a sing-song tone. 

"I know that tone Row, and in a minute." Celia replied flatly, not looking up from her computer or moving from her spot on Rowan's knee. Rowan scoffed in mock injury.

"How could you possibly know what I was going to say, my dear Cece?" 

Celia looked up at Rowan and rolled her eyes. 

"Row, I have known you since middle school, and you are incredibly easy to read. You haven't typed a word in ten minutes, and you've been fidgeting nonstop." 

Rowan cringed. They thought they had been hiding that so well…

"And I noticed that your ADHD meds ran out."

Rowan cringed again.

"Soooo, how about it?" Rowan tilted their head and grinned down at Celia, who looked unamused. 

"I get to take my phone in right? Most of my photos on my blog on in there and all my followers think it's just a set."

Rowan's grin widened.

"So that's a yes?"

Celia tossed her laptop off her lap and onto the bed and slowly backed away from Rowan's grabby hands. 

"Ah, ah, ah, I get- woah! I get to bring my phone right?"

"Yeah sure, whatever" Rowan had already grabbed Celia and was hastily tossing her into their mouth. Celia flailed for a moment, before getting herself adjusted. Rowan kept their mouth open and their jaw loose so Celia could move her "photo set" to her comfort. Rowan stood very still as she felt Celia pause for a picture, the shift into another pose before pausing again. Rowan's fingers began to tap idly on their knee, trying to distract themself, fighting the urge to flip Celia over, to taste her-

"Ok Row, I'm done. You can do your… thing" 

Rowan pressed Celia to the roof of their mouth with their tongue, swallowing all the collected spit with a swallow. They rolled Celia around in their maw, tasting, savoring every inch of their best friend. They decided to stop messing around with Cece and actually get to work. They looked down at the laptop that had long shut off and got back to their paper. To focus they gently chewed Celia's thigh. Not enough to really hurt or draw blood, it was so Rowan could do some kind of constant action so they could focus and Celia could have some kind of constant sensation to help her relax and soothe her fibromyalgia. The first time it happened, Celia had only agreed to do this because she said it was "mutually beneficial" and because she was tired of Rowan acting like "a fidgety giraffe" (whatever that meant). But after about a month, Celia had warmed up to it. She even asked Rowan to chew her arm! Once. A while ago. Even if she did ask Rowan would be grateful. They felt Celia's body tense up and then relax, practically melting on their tongue as Rowan chewed out a sore spot on Celia's leg. Rowan smiled and returned to their paper, their friend's weight on their tongue letting them focus. 

[weebsinstash]

I think it is time to cute her out sweetling. She sounds like a narcissist, and from what you just trauma dumped it sounds like she likes being the victim. You shouldn't put up with that.

There is nothing you can do to help her right now or possibly ever and that burden should never have fallen to you. It's sweet you want to see her get better, but you are burning yourself to keep her happy. This isn't a situation that has a case where everyone wins.

Protect yourself first, heal yourself, and maybe someday things with her will change. But her choices aren't your problem, it's not your job to fix them, and it's not your job to give up your own health to make others happy; family or not.

Yes your sister is going through a lot and I understand wanting to help, but as someone with most of the mental health problems you mentioned (bpd, ptsd, depression, bipolar) I can with confidence say it doesn't excuse her behavior to you and your mother.

I have pitty for her, she's so blinded by her self made excuses that she can't see the wonderful sister she has.

I just can't help but think, like, mom and I wonder if there's something undiagnosed? She says ever since my sister was a child she would always need things repeated and would ask "what do you mean" and there was an age where everyone thought she behaved really strangely? And I wonder if she has undiagnosed ADHD because that can affect your focus, your mood regulation, things like that, and I hear ADHD can also explain excessive sleep which has a a lifelong issue for my sister. Its uh, it's also worth mentioning that apparently vyvanse/Adderall is one of the things she's occasionally using recreationally/buying off the street

But. I also. I also keep clinging to that possibility because its less painful to consider "maybe she just has some sort of disability and she literally can't help being this way" over "theres nothing we can do, she has to choose for herself what to do and she doesn't want to"

I just. I think I'll take the route of maybe sending her a message every now and again like once a week but im going to have to lower my expectations for hearing back from her. I just... I can't completely cut her off because she already feels so alone and thinks we don't care. What if me doing something to cut her off drove her to... I dont even want to think about whatever she might do. If she even cares about me that much.

It's just. She's been through so much. I can understand how that damages someone. There are times I let my depression get extremely bad and I had to hit the bottom before I get better or try to start taking meds again and I hope the same can happen for her but. She has. A lifetime of these bad decisions. I feel like I'm watching her self destruct. I literally feel like I need to get into contact with our father and have him talk to her about this as a former addict/alcoholic, and I haven't spoken to that man in years. Like. Im desperate.

My mom is heartbroken too. She's 57 and she's worried about how my sister and I will take care of ourselves after she's gone. She even said during the visit "you'd think your sister would show some sort of concern that I'm getting older". Like she has had to completely shut herself down after this visit or else she'd be constantly sobbing. I've seen my mom cry more in this last week than when her own mother died. She's terrified that she has to try and fix this before mt sister gets any worse and my mom isn't here to help her

I'm just so sad. I'm sad and I'm angry and I'm disappointed and I feel so so SO guilty and. Yeah.

God fucking damn it i was just thinking about trying to force myself to get back into writing too, because that's something fun for me, that's an outlet for me, something thats productive and makes me feel better, and now that's becoming associated with this pain. Fuck. Fuck. It just keeps getting better.