#she said she thinks i do have adhd and since i already take adhd meds (off label for treatment resistant depression) she said that it would

[ofmdee]

🍒

[deezneezz]

Leona & ADD

I got a few ppl (on twitter) wanting me to elaborate on Leona and ADD, so I figured I will share my thoughts here as well, please be nice it's just a personal hc. You don't have to agree at all!! Since it contains some personal experiences I ask of people to please be kind about it!

Anyway, Leona and ADD.

I think a lot of people usually agree on Floyd and Kalim having ADHD, but Leona actually shows a lot of lesser talked about traits of ADHD. Namely Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), sensitivity to clothing/textures (he doesn't like restrictive clothes).

He also has the more commonly talked about traits of course, executive dysfunction being a big one. And his depression definitely exacerbates these traits, when i was undiagnosed and depressed i used to sleep my entire days away. I wasn't getting anything done anyway.

Not to mention not sleeping properly, so I was desperate to find moments to sleep during the day. I've slept on floors, on toilets, in an abandoned corner in uni instead of going to class. I was just *so* tired all the time I didn't want to sit in class, I wanted to sleep.

I was lucky I passed classes without studying, cause i would've never gotten through uni otherwise. I still took longer than necessary. The moment my support system (Ruggie, anyone?) graduated and left I had no one taking care of my basic needs, and I certainly didn't.

I had a dorm mate who cooked for me, made sure I had even an ounce of self-care, and also looked at my room and said "hmm, Deniz, maybe it's time to clean up a little" and then I very reluctantly admitted that it may have gotten a little out of hand.

She would just sit in my room sometimes chilling around while I cleaned cuz that was one of the few ways I cleaned at all (this is a real thing for ADHD, called body doubling. It works). Ruggie arriving at NRC and Leona suddenly performing tons better in school is no coincidence.

Coming back to RSD.. I mean I don't really have to explain it do I.. book 2, Lilia's scathing remarks, the shame of disappointing his dorm, etc. I know a lot of ppl call book 2 an 'overreaction' but like, this is genuinely what it feels like internally when RSD triggers

book 6 too, Jamil's over-protectiveness is clearly (to the audience) smth that's mostly Jamil's own habits and trauma doing. But to Leona it's a rejection/insult to his ability to take care of himself, his skill, etc. This was genuinely smth that set me off too.

"How dare you try to explain to me smth I already know, do you think I'm stupid?" "You're not like me." The unwillingness to admit that someone may be relatable in any way because making any comparison to yourself makes you vulnerable to what you haven't achieved for yourself.

"I would ace these classes too if I wasted my time and life studying as much as they did, but I actually love myself." <- guy who was jealous and did not know he was coping and didn't study cause of executive dysfunction and concentration issues.

Leona clearly knows a lot about the things he genuinely cares about, Ancient spell language, chess, magishift, so its kind of funny to see him so low effort in classes. Though honestly i know the game also says that "Leona already knows all this stuff" so.. who knows really...

Now I'm more chill but I used to legitimately go off the handle a little cuz RSD doesn't really care about whether the shit u feel is proportional to the offence it physically hurts in your chest and you just wanna burn down the world at that exact time and... IS THAT NOT LEONA...

TLDR: give Leona therapy and meds, lol.

[lady-harrowhark]

How's your jaw?

Ahhh hi!!!! It's doing okay! It's been a little over two weeks since I did the injections and he said that it takes about two weeks for it to fully kick in. I think I'm clenching less overall, but by the end of the day I still usually have some degree of muscle pain in my face. I think I do a lot of like, habitual constant clenching (almost like "in the background") and then have shorter bursts of more intense clenching interspersed that tend to be more related to focus/immediate stress/etc - it seems like I have less of the background clenching and I'm better able to catch myself in the moment with the more intense episodes.

Stress, caffeine, and my ADHD meds definitely make the clenching worse in general, so like usually I try to take fewer/lower doses and lay off the caffeine when I have less on my plate BUT I'm currently working on some of the last revisions for my thesis (I'm so close to being done with this thing forever and I'm ready to dropkick it into the sun) so the stress+caffeine+no med breaks is kind of inevitable right now. So actually it's pretty impressive that I'm noticing any difference at all even WITH those factors at play.

It's been really interesting that my masseter muscles already feel slightly smaller and definitely a lot.... softer? Like when I bite down and touch them, it feels more like a ball of stiff clay rather than a golf ball lol, like I can push into them a bit with my fingertips which I definitely could not do before. I genuinely did not realize how overdeveloped they were before this - I was talking to a friend about how the dentist had said I had "the Arnold Schwarzenegger of masseters" and I had commented that I don't really know how mine compare to other people's since I don't exactly go around feeling people's faces and she had me feel hers and uhhhhhhhhh WOW. I was genuinely shocked at how minimal hers felt in comparison. Apparently it is NOT normal for your masseter muscles to feel like actual golf balls under your skin, who knew!!!!

The injections themselves were pretty painless, most of them less painful than like a flu shot. I got a lot of uncomfortable pressure in my ears almost immediately, but I suspect that has more to do with how I had to spend quite a bit of time clenching/biting down hard for him to examine the muscles and place the injections. I've had a lot of chronic ear issues over the years and some Eustachian tube dysfunction type stuff, which tbh may very well be related to TMJ dysfunction. The ear pressure dissipated after two or three days, and it could be a placebo but it seems like they've felt less full since then. Other than the ear pressure, I did feel kind of generally achy and vaguely yucky the first two days afterwards, almost like I was getting the flu. Apparently that's not unheard of but some Tylenol took care of most of it.

Importantly, I haven't had any other bits of bone poking through my gums! Time will tell in that regard, since there was about five months in between the two times it happened. The area of my gums where the one piece of bone came out feels a lot smoother/flatter than it did before this whole debacle, which makes me wonder if there wasn't some general inflammation or soft tissue build up around it. The other side of my mouth does have a bump that seems to come to a point and my regular dentist said it does feel kind of sharp beneath the gum tissue, so I wouldn't be surprised if it eventually pushes through but at least if that happens I'll know what's going on.

I go back in two-ish weeks for follow up and he said I'll probably need more injections then but that it likely won't be as many as before. The first round he did 60 units but I don't really have an estimate as to how many it might be for the second round. As long as it helps, I don't particularly care how much they inject, although less is definitely better for my wallet. I haven't heard back on whether or not insurance will cover it. They probably won't since it's an off label use and teeth are considered optional by insurance companies, but the clinic said they would at least try to get it covered, which I appreciate.

[thedudeplayinggalaga2]

See You In The Morning?

Kate Bishop x GN Reader

3K Words

Warnings: Mentions of injury, Angst, Language, Questionable punctuation, I think that's it?

A/N: This is the very first full fic I've ever written and Grammer/Punctuation has never been a strength of mine. I also have no idea if this story makes any sense but I had a good time writing.

You had forgotten to take your ADHD meds this morning, and now you were really paying for it. As you sat at your desk stopping and staring and stopping a multitude of different tasks without actually finishing any of them. 

It was Kate's fault really, she had completely thrown off your routine as she had a tendency to do. It was a rather chaotic routine but it still got you out the door in enough time to grab breakfast and make sure you took your stimulant before getting to work. 

But last night Kate hadn't come home, she had sent you a quick text telling you not to wait up. This happened fairly often since you'd moved in, and she would usually come home at 3 or 4am. But she hadn't made it home till this morning when you'd already been up and getting ready for work. 

You grimaced to yourself thinking about the conversation you'd had with her. 

"How's your other lover?" You'd asked

"Listen I know that's a joke but it's not a very funny one! I'm so sorry, I really am! But this mission I've been working for weeks finally had a big break and I needed to follow this lead! I'm so close to catching this guy!" 

"It was a joke, and I'm glad you made some headway on your mission, but I did feel sad and concerned when I woke up this morning and you still weren't home." You said this to her with your back turned as you made lucky his breakfast. 

You heard Kate get up and walk over to you, she put a hand on your shoulder. You turned to face her and had gotten the first good look at her face since she'd gotten home. You gasped "Kate, that's a pretty nasty cut above your eye! What the hell happened!?"

"I... Well.. you see there was a guy with a bat and.." 

You didn't give her time to finish cause honestly you didn't think you wanted to know the rest. So you'd pulled her into the bathroom and started cleaning and patching up her various wounds before having to rush out the door so you would only be slightly late to work. 

And now here you are, having a highly unproductive day and also worrying about Kate. She had been having way more late nights than normal recently, and pretty much always came home a little beat up. She definitely wasn't getting anywhere near enough sleep, you assumed this was probably why she had been super distant as of late. And last week she had forgotten about Lucky's vet appointment which was probably the most concerning thing of all. 

You've been with Kate long enough to know and understand that this is just what dating a superhero can be like sometimes. But this time it was really starting to effect your relationship for some reason. Things where so inconsistent between the two of you, partly because you never saw each other and partly because when you did Kate didn't talk much about anything of substance. 

As Kate had grown more distant you'd started to get shorter with her, finding less and less patience which you normally had a bottomless amount of for her. You'd also stopped planning dates with her, stopped waiting up for her even if she said she wasn't going to be too late, and you'd been regrettablely a little too harsh with her when she forgot Lucky's appointment and you'd hauled ass across town to take him. 

Sitting at your desk, switching between the same three programs over and over again you started to tear up. You didn't like this, you didn't like feeling so disconnected from her. You hated how you two seemed to be living completely different lives. Because goddamit you loved Kate Bishop so much! You loved being her partner. Kate was absolutely wonderful! She was passionate, brave, and very caring. She used her skills and talents to help other people, something you admired very much about her. She made you feel seen in a way nobody had ever really seen you before. But most of all Kate made you feel safe, not just physically but emotionally too. She had always felt like home. 

----

The subway commute home was never your favorite, it was always so busy this time of day and wildly overstimulating. But you tried to spend the ride figuring out your game plan for when you got home. You wanted to talk to Kate, if she was even home, but you didn't want to create conflict especially if she was going to be leaving again tonight. 

As you walked into your apartment Lucky nearly knocked you to the ground, absolutely showering you in kisses. 

"Ok! Ok! Lucky I love you too! But we talked about this buddy, you can't just jump somebody at the door!" You said pushing him off before giving him a scratch behind the ears. 

You checked that Lucky had water and decided to let him outside as you assumed he'd been inside all day. Then you went to search for Kate. 

You found her passed out in your bed on top of the blankets letting you know she'd falled asleep as soon as she laid down. You smiled though as you noticed she was wearing one of your hoodies and probably your sweatpants too. 

You bent down the kiss the top of her head before settling down next to her in the bed. Stroking some hair out of her face you couldn't help but smile at your beautiful girlfriend and her slightly battered face. 

"What time is it" Kate mumbled so quietly you could barely hear what she said. 

"It's about 4:30 my love." 

"You're home early." 

"Yeah.... I was having a really bad brain day so my manager told me to just go home." You hoped she wouldn't press any further, but that was wishful thinking. 

Kate finally opened her eyes to look at you, worry evident in them. "Must have been a real bad brain day for Stark Industries to suddenly prioritize mental health over productivity." 

You let out a soft laugh, "Well I definitely wasn't being productive so more likely it just seemed like a waste of company time for me to be there." 

Kate sat up against the headboard next to you, looking even more worried, she tapped your forehead softly with her finger "What's goin on up in there?" 

You gave her a half hearted smile, "Well I forgot to take my meds this morning which isn't the end of the world but it definitely didn't help, there's also no way I've had enough protein today, and ...." You trailed off trying to decide if now was really the best time to tell her that you were also very worried about her and about your relationship. You decided against it because honestly you couldn't remember the last time you'd just sat in bed with her and you wanted to keep those vibes goin.

"Yeah, that's pretty much it."

"Hope you weren't trying for an Oscar with that performance, because I definitely didn't buy it!" Kate said teasingly. 

You groaned looking up at the ceiling "Sorry Kate, I just feel a little overwhelmed right now." Which was entirely true, you did feel very overwhelmed and your brain was going about 200 miles an hour. 

"That's okay, how about we get some food and take Lucky for a walk?" She said suppressing a yawn. 

"Are you sure? I know you're probably exhausted! You can rest more before you have to go to work." 

Kate put her hand on your face stroking your cheek with her thumb. "Yes I'm sure baby, you're having a bad brain day, so let's get some food in you and take a little walk. Also..... I've missed you." 

You leaned your head into her hand a little. "I've really missed you to my love."

----

Kate treated you to your favorite restaurant that had some outdoor pet friendly seating so Lucky could join. And now you were walking through central parking doing your best to keep Lucky from trying to chase squirrels. 

You'd been walking in silence for a few moments when you finally broke it. "Kate, I was also having a hard time at work today because I was worried about you. And well, also about us...."

Kate slowed down and turned to look at you with a frown on her face "Worried because I was hurt this morning? Because really it was nothing! I appreciate you patching me up, you do a better job than me, but really I'm okay! It looks way worse than it is!" She rambled. 

"Well obviously I don't like it when you come home hurt, but it's more to do with how distant you've been. I know how important what you do is, and I would never ask you not to do it! But... You haven't been home much recently, and when you are you seem so distant...." You trailed off realizing you didn't know where this was going. 

Kate was quiet for what felt like forever but than she said "This guy I'm trying to catch, he's like really really bad, like I would tell you how bad he is but I really don't want to burden you with that knowledge. It's really hard for me not to think about it when I'm home I guess." She was just staring at the ground now as you walked, and the way her demeanor changed you could tell that this was really weighing on her. 

Before you could respond she continued, "But, what did you mean that you're also worried about us?" Her voice getting quieter, almost nervous. 

"Well.... I guess I just feel like we are living two completely different lives, passing like ships in the night hardly ever seeing each other. And when we do it's like you're not actually there, or I'm being grumpy with you. This is the first time in weeks we've actually had dinner together. Kate I love you so so much! But I'm getting worried because I want to support you, but I can't do that if I'm always being shut out."

You sat down on a bench taking Kate's hand in yours as she sat next to you. You studied her face trying to figure out what she was thinking. 

"I don't like shutting you out.... I just want you to be safe and to not have to deal with the things I do." 

"And I do appreciate you leaving out the gruesome details truly, you don't have to tell me everything, but it would be nice if I could at least know what you are feeling sometimes. Because otherwise I have to just try and guess."

Kate nodded her head looking out into the park thoughtfully. "Well right now I'm feeling like I'm absolutely failing at everything! I spent all night tracking that son of a bitch for nothing! I've really dropped the ball on my relationship with you, like I caused a whole ass bad brain day for you! And last week I forgot about Lucky's vet appointment!" 

You opened your mouth to something but Kate quickly cut you off "I swear the god Y/N if you say anything about the vet appointment I'm emailing Pepper Pots to tell her you steal all your really good ideas from your intern!" 

You gasped dramatically clutching your chest for emphasis "Okay! Uncalled for! But Pepper would know you were lying because my intern, bless his heart, couldn't tell you the difference between a PDF and a JPEG with a gun to his head." 

"Okay! So a bad threat but I hope I made my point clear." 

"Yes, I swear to never speak or the vet incident again. And I also will apologize for being so harsh on you about it too." You said more soflty "I definitely could have handled that better, I made it a bigger deal than it needed to be and you didn't deserve that. What I was going to say is thank you for telling me how you're feeling, it helps me understand where you're heads at a bit better." 

You were going to say more but Kate leaned her head on your shoulder and started playing with your fingers causing your brain to short circuit for a half second. 

"Do you think I'm failing?" Kate asked in a whisper. 

You stared at her hand intertwined with yours for a minute before responding. "No Kate, I don't think you're failing, I know this bad dude is giving you a run for your money, but he doesn't know who he's up against! Kate Bishop, the world's greatest archer! You're gonna get him, you always figure it out." 

Kate sat up and gave you another small smile, she looked down at lucky who was now sitting at her feet enthralled with a stick he had found. "What about us? Am I failing at this relationship?" 

"My love, the fact that we are sitting here having this conversation is proof that neither of us are failing." You truly did believe that, and also kind of said it to reassure yourself too because recently you'd been wondering the same thing. "I knew what I was getting into when I agreed to be your partner. I knew there would be nights spent without you, secrets I couldn't know, and the occasional missed vet appointment...." 

"Y/N!" Kate said warningly

"Last time I swear!" You said quickly putting your hands up. "But recently you haven't been talking to me about.... Well... Pretty much anything. And I miss you Kate, it feels like you've been gone for weeks and I miss you." 

Kate looked at you with tears in her eyes "God I've missed you too Y/N. I do want to talk to you about how I'm feeling and what I'm doing. I just don't want you to get caught up in all this. I don't want you to get hurt." 

"Well right now it's hurting me to not know anything that's going on with you." 

She nodded "Yeah, I understand, I feel like I don't know what's going on with you right now either, like I don't even know what your current hyper fixation food is and I always know that."

"Well right now it's those little babybel cheeses, but last week it was BBQ chicken pizza from that place down the street from us." 

"I bet Lucky enjoyed that one." Kate leaned down to take Lucky's stick before he shredded it more than he already had. 

"Oh he very much did! Everyday I come home without it he looks at me as if it's the greatest betrayal he's ever experienced." 

Kate stood offering you her had so you could continue your walk. "Y/N I promise that as soon as I catch that bastard my first priority will be making sure we get some quality time together okay? And in the meantime I will be better at communicating." 

"Okay, I love you Kate, and I know you're gonna get him!" 

--- 

You had gotten back home a few minutes ago and you were getting Lucky his dinner. You expected Kate was in your room putting her suit on assuming she would probably be heading out soon. So you were surprised when she walked into the kitchen wearing her signature purple sweatshirt and your sweatpants. 

"I do need to go back out tonight but I thought it'd be nice for both of us if we maybe watched a movie or something before you go to bed?" She asked hopefully. 

This made light up instantly, but then you frowned at the prospect of having to try and pay attention to any entire feature length film. "I would love that, but seeing as I didn't complete even one task at work today I just don't think I'm gonna be able to watch a movie." 

Kate looked thoughtful "Good point, should have thought of that. Okay.... How about we watch TikToks together with New Girl playing in the background?" 

"And that Bishop is possible the best idea you've ever had!" 

So you and Kate spent the rest of the evening cuddled up on the couch doing exactly that. 

---

You and Lucky had just gotten into bed for the night and Kate was getting ready to head out. She came and sat on the edge of the bed leaning in to give you a kiss. "Y/N if I don't get this guy tonight I don't know what else I'm gonna do." 

"Well, have you asked Clint for advice?" 

"No, he's on vacation with his family and I don't want to bother him."

You nodded, being sure that while Clint loved Kate and was always helping her out, he probably wouldn't appreciate his family vacation being interrupted by whatever it was Kate was doing. "Okay, fair, well I'm here for whatever happens. I might not be a superhero but I do work for a very powerful company and Jerry from the biotech department owes me about 20 favors. And I'll be her to patch you up, just try not to break anything cause then I really will have to insist on taking you to the ER." 

Kate gave you a massive grin as she said "You're my superhero though." 

"Okay! That was so cheesy it was physically painful to hear! Imma need you to go now!" 

Kate responded with the first genuine laugh you had heard from her in weeks before leaning in to give you another kiss. 

As she left the room she turned to look at you and Lucky all tucked into bed. "I love you both, I'll see you in the morning?" 

"We love you too! Ummm... If it's not too much to ask, do you think you could bring me breakfast in the morning? I have to do two days worth of work tomorrow and it would help a lot!" 

[scarefox]

That false diagnosis is triggering and disappointing me so hard. It literally just proves that this therapist already coined me since day 1 and didn't budge and rather saw all my attempts to deny her idea as prove that she's right.

I told her so much of my worries, fears, potential adhd & autism symptoms, why I am cautious with other people out of fear of very realistic dangers, all the shit why I am in burnout, intrusive thoughts, depressive thoughts, selfharm thoughts I had during my lowest times, that I am even afraid to fall back into that spiral, all my physical anxiety symptoms

Just for her to basically diagnose me with: doesn't want to work, judgemental and envious of others, complains about too much work when it's normal workload, passive aggressive, unjustified complains of feeling misunderstood and mistreated, hates authorieties, tries to find excuses to not hold deadlines or manipulates work

How do you even defend yourself against that, when defending and complaining is part of the criteria to not take you serious???

I already lost trust to that therapist halfway through the clinic stay but ... this wow. I don't know how to look at her next Thursday when I have to go to her again to get my meds.... I will try to tell her that I disagree with that diagnosis. But I doubt she will change it. Fellow therapy mate got the diagnosis for borderline in the beginning but at the end the therapist said she's not seeing it anymore but won't change it because her coworkers would think she's a bad therapist for taking that back.

I would understand a diagnosis for avoidance personality disorder for me BUT NOT basically passive aggressive lowkey narcissistic simulant who's not as nice as they pretend to be wtf?? (despite this diagnosis being outdated and can't be diagnosed during depression!)

Why is she so obsessed with making us victims (not just me but others in my therapy group) into perpetrators and slacker??

Like every time one reported about feeling shit and overwhelmed, she came with "but have you thought about how your partner feels when you act like that?"

Or me literally diagnosed with social anxiety and with bullying experience got "actually when you are scared of people you are judging them before knowing them, you make them into perpetrators before they ever harmed you".

I mean I get the point of that mental image, but I feel like she actually believes that anxious people are all resentful haters under a nice mask. Yes I told her that I wear a mask in public but to hide my fears, depression and social confusion not my secret hate and spite I have for everyone!

[frogofalltime]

22.02.2024

today started off well despite having only 6 hours of sleep overnight, because i actually turned up to my morning class and it was about sharks and fish !! i am a huge fan of sharks so it made me really happy.

i held some shark eggs and my lecturer also brought a fresh dead fish to show us its anatomy lol. i took pictures and videos to share with @etherealspacejelly because it is even more autistic about sharks than i am :)

then i went to the library to study, but on the way i stopped to look at this beautiful tree

then when i got to the library my day became Bad™️. there is some coursework that i thought was due next monday, but when i opened up the instructions to make a start on it, i found out it was actually due tomorrow, and i did not have the time or energy to get it done. i panicked and didn't know what to do.

i asked robin for some help, assuming he had already done this work because usually i'm the more disorganised one. but they had not started it either and they were struggling a lot. there was a Situation which i misunderstood, and that made them upset.

we had a lecture after that and it was hard to concentrate. then as we walked out of the lecture theatre a girl i lived with for 2 months in 2020 and have not seen since somehow recognised me, called out my deadname (and mispronounced it too), and tried to talk to me, which i was not prepared for, so i kind of freaked out and ran away. i did not get on with her at all when we lived together, and i know we have both definitely grown up a lot in the last few years, but i was already stressed enough, so i couldn't deal with her just then.

i caught up with robin and another friend who had kept walking without me. neither of them seemed in the mood to talk much, which is understandable because of stress / illness / autism etc. we went back to the house to eat and work on our assignments.

then i had mentoring to help me with autism and adhd related issues. i told my mentor that i stopped taking adhd meds and i am so tired, i keep falling asleep in the day, and i'm extremely stressed about my assignments, so she helped me to get an extension on my deadlines. that helped a lot.

she had also brought her service dog in to work and he was the loveliest thing i have ever seen. stroking him really calmed me down too, although i always get a bit of a moral dilemma when i interact with dogs because muslims say your prayers won't be accepted if dog saliva gets on you, but i don't know if i believe that.

there was one more lecture which was pretty boring and felt like a waste of time. i almost fell asleep with my head on the desk. then finally i could go home.

when i got home i sat down to decompress. robin messaged me to apologise for what happened earlier, i said i was sorry too, and we sorted it out. i did get rather upset, but it was okay, i think i needed to cry to get out all the stress anyway.

finally i ate, got ready for bed, and fell asleep almost immediately. i had very weird dreams. i think i slept for around 10 hours, which i definitely needed.

also my extension request was approved, so i can take my time with all that coursework, which is really helpful :)

[bandedbulbussnarfblat]

I had to ask my mom for money today. And ask my brother if we can transfer all the bills to his name, bc my mind feels like swiss cheese, and I just don't think I can manage it rn. We usually go halfsies on bills, but it's my bank account everything is under. So I was constantly having to put cash in the bank, then go online to pay bills, and I just can't. I can't handle it. I go back to my psychiatrist tomorrow, not that it fucking matters. I've been seeing her over a decade and I'm still fucked up. She prescribed me meds that made me worse. Like, the side effects were awful. And I've had to stop taking other meds before bc of the side effects. it all just feels so hopeless. i thought i was getting better for awhile, but that didn't last. I thought the TMS was gonna fix me, but now instead of sad I just fell scared all the time and that's so much worse. I can handle sad. I've been dealing with it my whole life. I was a sad, lonely kid. Then I made friends and it helped, but I was still depressed as a teenager. I was suicidal by 16; I literally only stayed alive through high school and college bc I had people that loved me who would feel bad if I was gone. Then there kept being reasons to put off, like my bff getting married and wanting me to be the maid of honor, and how I couldn't do it during her honeymoon bc that would kill the mood. And then my other best friend got married, then pregnant, and I couldn't do it then, bc what if the shock triggered a miscarriage or something? I've lived the first 25 years of my life just waiting to die. And the anxiety has always, always been there. The adhd too, and sometimes i hate my parents for not getting me the help i needed, just bc one doctor said i didn't have it after the school suggested testing. There was no actual testing, he dismissed it out of hand as my behavior just 'kids being kids'. He probably didn't believe adhd existed, bc he was old af and set in his ways. And kept prescribing meds that were no longer being made, bc the FDA found them unsafe. so i've always been fucked up. since i was a kid i felt like there was this wall of glass between me and the rest of the world. i could look inside and I could see it and hear it, but I never felt part of it. Like I was something else, this other thing that couldn't connect. And it's never went away. I still don't understand all of these unspoken rules everyone picks up on. I've spent so long, trying to contort myself into something not normal, but acceptable. Something people could love. So I default to being polite, and using the 'right' answers to get by. And keeping everyone at an arm's length. Bc the social anxiety I get from just having to talk to another person who isn't one of my people is so bad that I'll start shaking while talking to them, and become more and more uncomfortable until it's finally over and I go in the bathroom and cry. I don't know how to be vulnerable around people unless they already know and love me, or I'm on the internet where there's no connection to my government name, and no one i know irl will ever see it.

[thislittlekumquat]

Would it be too intrusive to ask what your doctors solution to pmdd related woes was? I have the same woes currently and cant help but be curious what worked for you (totally understand if you'd rather not get into it, dw!)

Oh, not at all! So mileage will def vary with this one, but since my cycle is pretty regular, and since I got pretty sick the last couple of times I tried to do hormonal pills (I'm in my early 30s so I've gone through a lot of different attempts at fixing various ailments), my doctor actually has me taking prozac for two weeks out of every month (I start two weeks after I start bleeding, and stop when I start bleeding again). Basically there are certain SSRIs (I think my options were prozac, zoloft, and lexapro) that if you take for short bursts, you don't necessarily deal with withdrawal symptoms when you stop. I was not on any other psych meds, and I have taken prozac in the past, so we tried that one first. I'm sure each month will still be its own adventure, but last month instead of spending 10 days feeling like everyone hated me and like I'd rather waste away in bed than do literally anything else, going to bed at 8pm every night due to sheer misery, etc, I had a day or two of moderately worsened anxiety right before bleeding and that was it.

I also have a cocktail of ocd/adhd/tourette's that I think is already valid enough reason to try an ssri. So like I said, your mileage may vary, but if you have a good primary care doctor or an obgyn you trust, definitely ask them about it! If they don't know, there's def literature about it, because my doctor talked through two different methods she had clearly been refreshing herself on before my appointment. (And apologies if you're not USAmerican, those drugs might have other names where you live, but I think google and wikipedia are good at sorting that out!)

[thatspookyautymn]

I’m so bogged down with homework, I’ve barely had time to do anything with either of my YouTube’s, my Etsy (which I’m now painting all different types of Scenequeens, Emo, Spooky, cute art. I have a bunch of paintings done, but haven’t gotten to list them yet, and same w/my Depop. I have so many stupid projects due, I would seriously rather sit down and write a 9 page paper. UGH. I’ve been at this since 8am. I studied for the wrong exam, but even if I flunk/miss the time slot where it’s due, I WILL have a chance to make it up. Next semester Im telling them I have ADHD. Im diagnosed w/it, but I should have submitted proof bc I don’t take medication for it. It helps A LOT. BUT I also have horrible anxiety/panic disorder so the meds amp that up and I end up feeling freaked out but hyper fixated all day. It’s a bad combo.

I think it’s time for new hair colooorrr I already bought the colors and extensions, and I wanted to this weekend but couldn’t 😤 I did manage to cut my hair bc it was getting too long on top, and I love high scene hair kthxbyyyyee 💖🖤💖xoxo

PS-this girl came up to me in school while I was in line at Starbucks and she said “we have the same Cinnamoroll hoodie!” Instant bff’s. Lol

[whitchygaythem]

Sometimes you just gotta chew on things to focus

"Ceceeee" Rowan said in a sing-song tone. 

"I know that tone Row, and in a minute." Celia replied flatly, not looking up from her computer or moving from her spot on Rowan's knee. Rowan scoffed in mock injury.

"How could you possibly know what I was going to say, my dear Cece?" 

Celia looked up at Rowan and rolled her eyes. 

"Row, I have known you since middle school, and you are incredibly easy to read. You haven't typed a word in ten minutes, and you've been fidgeting nonstop." 

Rowan cringed. They thought they had been hiding that so well…

"And I noticed that your ADHD meds ran out."

Rowan cringed again.

"Soooo, how about it?" Rowan tilted their head and grinned down at Celia, who looked unamused. 

"I get to take my phone in right? Most of my photos on my blog on in there and all my followers think it's just a set."

Rowan's grin widened.

"So that's a yes?"

Celia tossed her laptop off her lap and onto the bed and slowly backed away from Rowan's grabby hands. 

"Ah, ah, ah, I get- woah! I get to bring my phone right?"

"Yeah sure, whatever" Rowan had already grabbed Celia and was hastily tossing her into their mouth. Celia flailed for a moment, before getting herself adjusted. Rowan kept their mouth open and their jaw loose so Celia could move her "photo set" to her comfort. Rowan stood very still as she felt Celia pause for a picture, the shift into another pose before pausing again. Rowan's fingers began to tap idly on their knee, trying to distract themself, fighting the urge to flip Celia over, to taste her-

"Ok Row, I'm done. You can do your… thing" 

Rowan pressed Celia to the roof of their mouth with their tongue, swallowing all the collected spit with a swallow. They rolled Celia around in their maw, tasting, savoring every inch of their best friend. They decided to stop messing around with Cece and actually get to work. They looked down at the laptop that had long shut off and got back to their paper. To focus they gently chewed Celia's thigh. Not enough to really hurt or draw blood, it was so Rowan could do some kind of constant action so they could focus and Celia could have some kind of constant sensation to help her relax and soothe her fibromyalgia. The first time it happened, Celia had only agreed to do this because she said it was "mutually beneficial" and because she was tired of Rowan acting like "a fidgety giraffe" (whatever that meant). But after about a month, Celia had warmed up to it. She even asked Rowan to chew her arm! Once. A while ago. Even if she did ask Rowan would be grateful. They felt Celia's body tense up and then relax, practically melting on their tongue as Rowan chewed out a sore spot on Celia's leg. Rowan smiled and returned to their paper, their friend's weight on their tongue letting them focus. 

[nei-ning]

So, I met therapist today. She was okay old lady but I was still so anxious that I kept shaking while visiting her - and she noticed it.

I wrote her a list of all symptoms which are common to ADHD and autism but she said we can't focus on those yet because of my depression and anxiety (um, ADHD and autism both actually cause depression and anxiety).

She asked about my eating and I told the truth: body wants food but still I don't desire anything. Like people usually want to eat certain food in certain days, I don't. I eat chocolate since that keeps me alive mostly. I eat to stay alive, not to enjoy food. She then asked do I ever go in the local restaurant called Old Fox and buy food there with me. I said I know the place but have never been there. Again she asked would I buy food from there. I said no because I rather buy ready foods from market but STILL she asked the same question, adding that I could get food from them with -50% discount at evenings. At this moment I was thinking doesn't this lady know how much restaurant dishes costs?! Even with discount. I still said I rather buy ready food from market. I get more food from there.

We chatted a bit more when she finally said she would give me 6 weeks sick leave but since my application to social support has been granted at the end of next month, sick leave now would mess it all up so she will give me sick leave later in May.

She also sent me in blood test to test vitamins. Of course I didn't know about this so I drank a bit of pear juice at the morning. I told about this to the nurse who took my blood. She stayed she would write little note down about that.

Therapist also gave me new meds. She told me to stop taking my current one today, be without meds for 3 days to see how it all will effect in my sleep (because, so far, all depression meds have cause me horrible nights with little bit of sleep). On Friday I take this new pill which SHOULD give me energy. However, she told me if I get horrible symptoms from it, I can quit taking them right away.

Lastly, she told me she will send / escorts me forward in this little local hospital which is more specialized in severe cases what I am. She said I should go there next week already and go there weekly (in some kind of rehab) to get over my anxiety and become more social - or so I understood. Heck, didn't all that freak me out! My anxiety instantly flew to the sky (even now too). I told her weekly visits are too much, once or twice a month would be more better since I KNOW I'll freak out every time, I KNOW those visits will exhaust me. Not to mention I don't know is it like 1h visit or 4h visit.

She will contact this special little hospital and will call me later - or they send me a text from that hospital. Uuggh, anyway, things are going forward but at the same time I'm, once again, so anxious I feel sick, my guts are twisting, I feel my throat growing tighter, I feel like I'm shitting in my pants and so on.

[fitgothgirl]

Just had my 2nd therapy appointment. I really like my therapist. 😭 Since it wasn’t our first introductory appointment, I was talking more about how the last couple weeks have been in particular, and was getting into how I just can’t do shit even when I know what I want or need, i.e. executive dysfunction and then overwhelm-shutdown. She already said last time she was able to diagnose me with ADHD and could easily see I have it, and today she reiterated that and that she’s resolute about getting me on ADHD meds. She’s having the telehealth service reach to to me to schedule for that, which they were supposed to do after my first appointment and never did. She said if I get any pushback (always depends on the psychiatrist and their attitude toward ADHD) to just let her know and to not worry, she’ll fight for me and she’s in my corner, etc. I think it’s finally going to happen... 😩 

And besides that, she’s just so down to earth and nice and seems really knowledgeable. She says that she likes the way I think and that I “have a cool brain” lol. I’ve been really transparent with her too so that always helps. We’ve been talking about depression and weed and ADHD and self/body image all together and taking baby steps. (It was only the 2nd appointment after all.) I feel really comfortable with her.

I only have appointments every other week but I’m kinda wanting to bump it up to weekly, at least for now... We’ll see. I missed my appointment by accident last week so it was rescheduled to today, so my next appointment is already just over a week away, so at least I don’t have to wait for the next one.

[cakesexuality]

Psychiatrist appointment kept getting rebooked on both our ends and was cutting close to the 6-month mark (when I'd be officially considered discharged if I didn't come back) but it finally happened yesterday

Last time I saw him, he said my main problem was psychosis, which is true and that probably was my biggest problem at that point

This time, he said he doesn't think I have psychosis at all

I asked if we could try a depot, because I'm having issues taking my meds as part of my relapse and a depot would make it a little bit easier

He says he can't do that because I don't have a diagnosis for something an antipsychotic would be used for

I have a diagnosis for something that an antipsychotic would be used for and have had this diagnosis for the last 9 years

I ask why I need a diagnosis of something specific in order to receive a depot

He tells me "I need to tell them why you're taking it"

Who the fuck is "them"?

He wants to increase my Seroquel to 100mg

Even 75mg of Seroquel is too much for me to take on a daily basis and I have to cycle my dose throughout the week between 75mg and 50mg

He wants to change my antidepressant from Wellbutrin to Prozac

I give him the heads-up that Wellbutrin doesn't do anything for my MDD but works for my ADHD, so taking me off it would leave my ADHD unmedicated, but this doesn't seem to bother him

I've taken other antidepressants similar to Prozac in the past and they didn't do anything for my anxiety, sometimes made my anxiety worse, usually didn't do anything for my depression, and were not worth the stuff that would happen to me like hair loss, hallucinations, rapid mood swings, dissociation, etc., but this is fine to him

He wants to give me the liquid form of Prozac because it's easier to control the dose, but oral suspensions have been the hardest medications for me to take right now and I'd fare better with a pill

I just finished taking 28 doses of a liquid medication in 7 days, please give me time to breathe before starting a new one

He wants to change my antidepressant because I'm in a bit of a relapse and one of the potential side effects of Wellbutrin is reduced appetite

One of the potential side effects of Prozac is reduced appetite

The increased hunger caused by my Seroquel outweighs any possible reduced hunger from my Wellbutrin

He says my main issue right now is anxiety and that's another reason why he wants me on Prozac

I ask him what had led him to say anxiety is my main problem so I can clear up any possible misunderstandings, since I don't feel like that's my main issue at the moment and I don't know what I've said or done to make him believe that

He says "Because that's my opinion"

I ask if it's my body language, my tone of voice, my word choices, etc. leading him to that conclusion

He says "None of those things"

I ask, if not one of the things I listed, what else could it be?

He says "Because that's the impression I get"

I ask why he gets that impression

He says "I just do"

I can see that he apparently gives prescriptions based on vibes rather than actual symptoms

After going around in that conversational loop at least 5 times, I say "Okay" and disconnect the video call

I talk to a social worker at CMHA who doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about when he says I need a diagnosis to get a depot and she convinces me to reconsider whether I want to give up on this doctor already

I call his receptionist the next day and she says that he meant he would need to tell my diagnosis to the drug manufacturer

The receptionist also says I'm already officially discharged less than 24 hours after speaking to him, so I guess the decision of whether to go back has already been made for me

I talk to a nurse at CMHA, a pharmacist at my pharmacy, and a receptionist at my GP's office, and none of them know why he would have to tell my diagnosis to the manufacturer

[frogofalltime]

day 8

today started off pretty good, i got up as soon as my alarm rang, had breakfast, got ready, took my meds etc

today my dosage was increased which is a bit scary but i can't say for certain if it's made anything better or worse

around midday i walked to the students union to meet my friends and on the way there i suddenly felt a sharp pain in my left side underneath my ribs. i have had some pain there since the weekend, it was hurting when i coughed, but this new pain was constant and much worse. it made it hard to walk but i didn't have much further to go so it was okay

we held some beautiful creatures at the students union !!! i never imagined that i would one day have a skunk asleep curled up on my lap but here we are. i was so happy that i forgot about the pain for a while.

afterwards i walked home because we had an online statistics exam at 1pm. however the pain got worse and worse and it was really hard to keep walking. i felt like i was going to throw up.

when i got home i procrastinated for a while before finally starting the exam. i was in a lot of pain which made it really hard to focus. luckily i get extra time and rest breaks in exams, because of disability accommodations, so i was able to take breaks to move around, go to the bathroom, eat lunch, etc.

i finished the exam, it took me around 2 and a half hours. i think i did well but i am not sure because the pain was so bad and it was distracting me a lot. i didn't want to take painkillers because i'm already on two medications and i feel like i have enough weird stuff in my bloodstream

i was going to go to a local protest for palestine with @wiggles-mcgee but it hurt too much to move so i had to stay home, unfortunately. i felt quite upset about this and i felt like i was stuck.

my mother called me and i told her what happened and she says i probably pulled a muscle at the weekend from coughing too violently and then it was triggered today when i was walking ?? idk. she told me to rest as much as possible and not leave the house until it feels better.

after she put the phone down i procrastinated for a few hours because i was going to study and then cook dinner but i didn't have the energy to do either of those things (because i had socialised then sat an exam and then talked on the phone, all of which take a lot of energy from me)

then i got a message from @etherealspacejelly saying they were feeling really bad side effects of the meds and had to go to hospital. so of course that made me panic a lot, especially since i couldn't go with him because i live 10 minutes away and i literally can't walk

i had a pretty bad meltdown. it lasted quite a while. when that finally subsided i was feeling far too sick to cook or eat. and i was also still very worried and constantly checking my phone. i couldn't do anything else because of anxiety.

also i found out you're not supposed to take adhd medication if you're on antidepressants or have mental illnesses ?? but my doctor prescribed it to me anyway even though i have all those things ??

i talked to robin for a while and they realised that i hadn't eaten and encouraged me to get some food. so i had some soup and toast and nuts at around 2am. which is a weird time to eat a meal, i know, but it had been over 12 hours since lunch and i couldn't sleep anyway so it made sense

now i'm procrastinating washing my dishes. robin is finally home from the hospital after many hours. the doctor said it's okay and the meds should settle down in a few weeks ?? which kind of sucks because why would you have to keep taking medications that make you ill ?

i'm going to wash my dishes and then i think i will shower before i go to bed because i feel very weird and my head hurts and my eyes are all puffy so maybe it will help. it's literally 4am. yeehaw

honestly i was very unproductive today but that's because i went to meet the animals in the morning, had an exam in the afternoon and i was in so much pain, and then the hospital situation happened, so i definitely have an excuse. also i am worried about having a similar reaction to the medication as robin, because he is feeling very unwell from it, and i don't want that to happen to me as well :/

so yea stay tuned for more updates i really hope the pain in my left side goes away soon so i don't have to visit the hospital too

[frequentrandomboners]

I CAN'T STOP RUINING MY LIFE

Therapy is too expensive and it's hard to find a good therapist. I've been through 5.

I have ADHD and do not take any meds for it since age of 12. I refuse to take meds because when I was 12-14 my parents made me take Concerta and that rewired my head and slowed me down permanently. I cannot talk fast. I cannot think fast. It can sometimes take me multiple days to mentally process what the F just happened.

When I meet people I really want to be friends with, when I meet people I want to date, my anxiety kicks in. I can't talk right. I say stupid things that can sometimes make zero sense. I'll answer questions with stupid answers that don't make sense.

And then sometime later I'll realize I should have said this, or should have done that. This has happened to me my entire life. I cannot seem to make this problem go away.

It's ruining my relationships. It's ruining my friendships. I'm not fast enough. I over think too much. I also don't think enough, or don't think ahead.

...

Today, I wrote a letter to a friend and I am now just realizing late at night that I had one particular wording / sentence in the three pages of writing, that she probably might take offensive even though I don't mean any offense by it. She could easily take it the wrong way. And we're not extremely good friends or anything.

This is not the first time I've messed up either. I mess up first impressions all the time. It's made me very insecure. And when you're insecure, people run away from you. I'm my own worst enemy but why should I believe in myself when I have zero accomplishments. The only thing I'm good at is messing things up without even trying. I'm really good at offending people and bothering them when I'm trying to be nice, or when I'm trying to make friends.

It's been this way forever. I cannot find a good therapist. I can't afford therapy anyways. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? I'm tired of being strong. I'm tired of surviving. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired to ruining everything over and over again.

And now it's like what's the point in trying? I'll get a new girl friend and ruin that relationship without even trying just like all the last times. Or I'll get a new band and get kicked out just like all the last times. Or I'll get a new job and get fired just like all the last times.

The only people in my life who love me are my parents. And they're getting older and older. Soon they'll be gone. And I'll be all alone. Just like I already am now. LIke I've always been.

...

I need as much self improvement ideas as possible. I work out. I eat healthy. I smoke cannabis to relax and subdue anxiety. I say hi to at least one girl every single day. I go to the mall once or twice per week. Nobody ever contacts me on dating apps ever in my life so that's been a total scam and waste of money/time.

I've even been traveling by myself. I meet all kinds of strangers. The number one thing that keeps repeating itself is I'll say something stupid, or internally start panicking and sabotage everything. I can't stop sabotaging everything good in my life.

I'm not even trying to sabotage anything. I just end up doing it. And then I try to fix everything and just make things worse.

...

It can't JUST be social anxiety. The behavior patterns are too much. I used to be a winner. I've met myself strong. I've seen myself on top before, only to ruin everything and hit bottom, and see the cycle repeat again and again. It's like I'm sisyphus!

For a while, especially when I was younger, It was like no matter how I threw the ball, it was going in no matter what. But today, for whatever reason, it's like I'm broken; as if no matter what I do, I can't do anything right.

And the more I try to fix anything, I just end up making it worse. I'm losing hope. Like what's the point in getting another relationship if I'm just going to mess it up like all the other times, without even trying to mess it up, while actually trying to be a good partner.

...

What's the point in joining or starting another band If I'm just going to mess that one up too like al lthe other times.

The only thing I'm good at is ruining my life and ruining everything. Like I'm a walking disease, unintentionally hurting anything/everything I come in contact with. Idk what to do

And then I go outside, and see all the happy people living their perfect lives. It's not fair

No matter how many times I get back up and tell myself it's okay, it always ends the same way. From 12 to 30s, I've accomplished nothing but destruction

...

And to be clear, I don't think this is just "social anxiety" or "anxiousness".  I'm not certain that my problem is specifically catastrophizing pre-meditatively, but rather just I keep making bad decision after bad decision like Sisyphus.

The minute I get a girl friend, I lose her. The minute I join/start a band, I'm kicked out. The minute I get a new job, I get fired or piss a customer or co-worker off, or ruin a relationship. The minute I make a new friend, I lose them. And now I'm like, why should I even bother anymore

...

I don't want to blame others for my problems. I accept total responsibility accountability for myself and outcomes. I wish I was a smooth talker. I wish I was a faster active listener. But I'm not.

I mentally process everything too slow. I try to think ahead but I don't think about the right things only to realize after the act, that I could/should have done things differently. Woe is me.

It can't JUST be a self fulfilling prophecy. I've developed some bad long term mental and physical behavioral habits/cycles and I don't know how to break them.

...

I worry that Concerta messed me up premanently forever. Anyone who researches it can learn how brain damaging Conerta is. And it did exactly what it was supposed to do. It slowed me down mentally. I can't think fast enough, I don't make smart decisions, I make terrible ones.

Get a new girl friend, lose her immediately. Join or start a band, immediately get kicked out. Get a new job, quickly say or do something wrong and piss off a coworker. I don't mean to be mean. I'm not trying to be a jerk. I just don't think ahead. I'm deliberately inconsiderate. I'm not deliberately a screw up. I just am and I can't stop no matter how hard I try.

It's been this way forever. Now I'm in my 30s and it might be getting worse. I have no friends. I have no family. And why should I keep trying? Every time I get back up, it'll just be the same. I keep moving forward just to re-experience the same self sabotaging BS to no end. I am sisyphus

...

I am NOT a victim . . . I am a monster. I create victims. And I don’t know how to stop hurting people because I’m a hurting person.

...

Some good Music I've had on repeat lately that expresses this fairly well...

Linkin Park - Hybrid Theory Album.

Crossfade - "Cold"

Poppy - "Sick of the Sun"

Linkin Park - "Somewhere I Belong"

Staind - "Excess Baggage"

Notorious B.I.G. - "$uicidal thoughts"

$uicide Boy$ - "To Those I love, Thanks For Sticking Around..."

Nirvana - "All Apologies"

Pat The Bunny - "I'm Not A Good Person"

The Smiths - "Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now"

.

.

.

.

.

[homiro]

Today is being wildly eventful and I'm just high enough to spill on here

So

- Woke up at 4am after going to sleep at 2 and couldn't fall asleep again because stress and lack of meds and also sperm donor being an egotistical ungrateful piece of shit

- A friend paid for my meds so I went to the city to get them

- Got an email from shitty prof saying we have classes tomorrow but I can't fucking go especially since it's not even a real fucking class and I don't have money to come to the damn city again

- For some reason ADHD meds are hard to get without ordering them and it was sold out or something in 6 different pharmacies. Save for one who miraculously had one bottle

- I was crying by then and had to walk a lot

- Decided to go to a church to feel the energy maybe shake off the goddamn evil luck

- Unsure if that worked

- Walked to get the meds and had to keep focused all the way because everything was overwhelming

- Got meds, then went to sit and have some tea

- While having tea a guy and a girl sat down at the table in front of me and started talking about the wildest stuff while the meds hit for me. She looked and by the sound of it was some sort of mini IG model and he looked like he was part of a podcast. She was wearing foundation two shades lighter than her skin (she was white, mind) and it was absolutely caked and I don't mind saying that because she randomly started slut shaming other women while the guy just laughed awkwardly. Then they started talking about jail and torture. I think they both had ofs because they kept talking about taking pictures and "doing things for money" before the random jail talk

- I wasn't hungry at all so all I had was a cup of caramel coffee and a cookie from Subway

- Decided to take the bus because it was cheaper than the Uber and I was in no condition to walk more especially considering that I still have to walk home (on the train rn)

- At the bus stop I stood up to let this old lady sit and she was very grateful

- Lady didn't know my gender and said like 'oh thank you sweet girl or boy I can't tell but you look lovely'. Made this miserable week feel less shit. Yes it's only Tuesday. Pray for my ass I guess lol

- Went to get some drawing paper for my brother. Some old man at the shop was asking the clerk for glue and she pointed him towards the glue but apparently he wanted dentures glue lmao and was trying to get it from irl AliExpress

And that's all for now, let's hope the rest of the week is mostly uneventful because I'm losing my mind already

My phone also said: gender.

- Adding because it's still going. Someone on the train is becoming the joker over a cancelled appointment very eloquently calling out incompetence absolutely spitting bars still going slam poetry who barely even stuttering goddamn power to this person. And someone was singing the Homer Simpson Spider-Pig song and is rooting for this person.

-Update: Made it home. But not before more wacky stuff. Saw this old lady who had some cats and was doing crochet in her van and said my sperm donor should die while saying she hoped god blessed me my brother and my mother and also my uncle and showed me this religious pamphlet thing. Then right after I saw a man training some sort of bird to be outside. After that I saw a man with his goats and finally I got in the house intact somehow.

Nobody cares but look at the goats. Yes I'm very rural and my phone's quality is pretty bad. Adds to the charm. All the goats had bells.