#not having a good time but at least i got my meds
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For SpiderGirl Y/N, how would they react to her being injured or dead. I wanna see them suffer. Only if you are ok with it. Love all your stuff, btw.
If you being injured:
The mission had been brutal, the enemy relentless, and the stakes higher than ever. But somehow, they made it through. Barely. And now, there you were—injured but alive, laying on the med bay table like the biggest diva Gotham had ever seen.
“Oh, God, I’m dying,” you groaned, clutching your side dramatically. Your hand was caked in blood, but it was far from life-threatening. Still, that didn’t stop you from milking it for all it was worth.
“You’re not dying, Y/N,” Dick said, crouching beside you with a worried expression. “The wound isn’t even that deep.”
You shot him a glare, your lips curling into a pout. “Easy for you to say, Golden Boy. You’re not the one bleeding out.”
Jason snorted from where he leaned against the wall, arms crossed over his chest. “She’s got a scratch, and now she thinks she’s in a soap opera.”
“Shut up, Jason,” you snapped, though the bite was lessened by your theatrics. “I’m injured! I could have bled out on the battlefield. The least you could do is pretend to care.”
Jason rolled his eyes but walked over anyway, leaning down to inspect the wound. “You’re fine, princess,” he said with a smirk, ruffling your hair.
“I’m not fine!” you whined, slapping his hand away. “I need love and attention. Lots of it.”
Dick’s Turn
Dick was always the softie, and you knew exactly how to play him. You reached out with a trembling hand, your eyes wide and watery. “Nightwing,” you murmured weakly, “I don’t think I’ll make it. Hold me.”
He hesitated for a moment before sighing and sitting on the edge of the table. Carefully, he pulled you into his arms, cradling you against his chest.
“There, there,” he said softly, stroking your hair. “You’re gonna be okay, Y/N.”
You sighed dramatically, leaning into him. “You smell nice,” you muttered, nuzzling into his neck.
Dick blushed furiously, but he didn’t pull away. Jason, on the other hand, gagged audibly.
“God, get a room,” Jason muttered, clearly annoyed.
Jason’s Turn
You turned your big, watery eyes on Jason next. “Jay… my favorite outlaw… my knight in shining armor… can you carry me? Please?”
Jason raised an eyebrow. “Carry you? To where? The couch is like ten feet away.”
You pouted, batting your eyelashes. “But I’m injured! And it’s your fault for being so handsome that I got distracted during the fight.”
Jason stared at you for a long moment before groaning. “Fine. But only because I don’t want to listen to you whining all night.”
He scooped you up effortlessly, and you wasted no time wrapping your arms around his neck. “You’re so strong,” you murmured, resting your head against his chest.
Jason’s ears turned red, but he kept his expression neutral. “Yeah, yeah. Don’t get used to it.”
Tim’s Turn
When Tim walked in with a first aid kit, you immediately perked up. “Timmy! My hero!”
He sighed, kneeling beside the table to inspect your wound. “Let me patch you up.”
You let him work for about two minutes before you got bored. Then, with a sly smile, you reached out and pulled his head into your lap.
“Y/N, what are you—” Tim stammered, his face turning bright red.
“I need comfort,” you said innocently, running your fingers through his hair. “You’re such a good boy, Timmy.”
Tim froze, his brain short-circuiting as you hummed softly, clearly enjoying his embarrassment.
Damian’s Turn
Damian stormed into the room, clearly irritated. “Why are you whining like an infant?” he snapped, crossing his arms.
“Because I’m injured, you little gremlin,” you shot back. “Now come here and give me a hug.”
Damian scoffed. “Absolutely not.”
But when you held out your arms, looking pitiful and teary-eyed, he hesitated. Finally, with a huff, he walked over and awkwardly patted your head.
“There. Are you happy now?”
You grinned, pulling him into a tight hug. “Aww, you do care, baby bird.”
Damian squawked indignantly, struggling to escape, but you held on tight. “Let me go, you lunatic!”
Bruce’s Turn
Bruce entered the med bay last, his expression as stern as ever. “What’s going on here?”
“She’s being dramatic,” Jason said, gesturing to you.
“She’s injured,” Dick corrected.
Bruce sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Y/N, stop harassing them and let me see the wound.”
You pouted but let him approach. As he carefully inspected the cut, you leaned your head against his arm. “Daddy Bats, you’re so gentle,” you teased.
Bruce froze, giving you a pointed look. “Do you want me to help or not?”
You grinned. “I do. But a kiss on the forehead would speed up my recovery.”
Bruce groaned, clearly regretting every decision that led to this moment. “You’re impossible.”
By the end of the night, you were bandaged up, pampered, and thoroughly satisfied with the attention you’d received. And while the boys all pretended to be annoyed, they couldn’t hide the fact that they cared.
If you die:
The night was eerily silent, as though the city itself knew it was about to lose its spark. Gotham was cold and unforgiving, but it had always been alive because of you—chaotic, unrelenting, and fearless. And now? Now, you were gone.
It wasn’t supposed to end like this.
Dick (Nightwing)
Dick was the first to find you. Blood pooled beneath your broken body, your mask torn to reveal your face—pale and eerily peaceful. For the first time, he saw you. He saw the girl who was tired, scared, and brave all at once.
“Y/N!” he screamed, sliding to his knees beside you. His hands shook as he cradled your head, desperately searching for a pulse. “No, no, no! Stay with me, okay? You’re gonna be fine!”
But you weren’t fine. You’d fought until the very end, trading jokes for grit, determination, and a ferocity none of them had truly appreciated before. And now? Dick was left holding your lifeless body, sobbing into your blood-soaked suit.
“This isn’t fair,” he whispered, his tears falling onto your face. “You were supposed to be invincible, dammit.”
Jason (Red Hood)
Jason was next, drawn by Dick’s anguished cries. The moment he saw you, his heart stopped. You, who somehow made him laugh even on his darkest days—you were gone.
He didn’t cry, not at first. He couldn’t. Instead, he fell silent, his fists clenched so tightly his knuckles turned white. “Who did this?” he growled, his voice trembling with rage.
When no one answered, he turned to Dick, his eyes wild. “WHO DID THIS?!”
Jason’s fury was all-consuming, but beneath it was a grief so raw it threatened to break him. He knelt beside you, brushing the hair from your face with a gentleness that contrasted sharply with his shaking hands.
“You weren’t supposed to go out like this,” he muttered. “You were supposed to annoy us forever, you hear me? Forever, Y/N.”
Tim (Red Robin)
Tim didn’t want to believe it. He stood frozen, his mind racing to find a way—any way—to fix this. You couldn’t be dead. You were the one who called him “good boy,” who smothered him with affection, who always seemed untouchable despite your reckless behavior.
“This… this isn’t real,” he stammered, his voice breaking. “She’s faking it. She’s… she’s messing with us.”
But you weren’t. And when Tim finally accepted the truth, he collapsed. He crawled to your side, his hands trembling as he reached for yours. “You can’t leave us,” he whispered, tears streaming down his face. “I need you. We all do.”
Damian (Robin)
Damian didn’t cry. He didn’t scream. He simply stood there, staring at your body as though willing you to get up. You always did when he told you to. Always.
“Get up,” he demanded, his voice cold and sharp. “You’re not allowed to die.”
When you didn’t move, his composure cracked. “Y/N, I’m serious. Get up! Stop… stop playing around!”
And then, for the first time, Damian fell to his knees. He clenched his fists, his nails digging into his palms so hard they drew blood. “You’re a coward,” he spat through gritted teeth, his voice thick with emotion. “You left me. You promised you wouldn’t.”
Bruce (Batman)
Bruce arrived last, his face as stoic as ever—until he saw you. His shoulders sagged, and for a moment, he wasn’t Batman. He wasn’t the Dark Knight. He was just a man who had failed someone he loved.
He knelt beside you, his gloved hand brushing against your cheek. “You were just a kid,” he murmured, his voice barely audible. “You deserved more time.”
Bruce had seen death before, but this? This was different. You weren’t just another casualty. You were family. And he had failed you.
“I should have stopped you,” he said, his voice cracking. “I should have protected you.”
Alfred’s Grief
Alfred was the one who had always known how to handle you, from the moment you spat in Bruce’s face as a child to the day you showed up in a spider suit, smugly proclaiming yourself Gotham’s best hero. You were incorrigible, maddening, and unapologetically yourself, and Alfred adored you for it.
When he heard the news, Alfred didn’t cry. Not at first. He simply closed his eyes, placed the tea tray he’d been preparing on the counter, and leaned against the sink. His hands trembled as he clutched the edge, the weight of your loss sinking into his bones.
“She was just a child,” he murmured to no one, his voice thick with grief. “My child.”
That night, Alfred cleaned your suit. He worked silently, meticulously wiping away the blood and patching up the tears as if you might walk through the door and demand it back at any moment. When he finished, he folded it neatly and placed it in the Batcave beside the others, his hands lingering on the fabric.
“She would have wanted it spotless,” he whispered, his voice breaking.
The Manor felt colder without you. He found himself pausing at the sound of laughter, only to realize it wasn’t yours. He missed the way you teased him, calling him “Alfie” and sneaking cookies from the kitchen. Most of all, he missed the way you brought life into a house filled with so much darkness.
The Funeral
The Manor was silent in the days following your death. No one spoke unless absolutely necessary, and even then, it was barely above a whisper. Your absence was a gaping wound none of them knew how to heal.
Jason stayed in his room, punching walls until his knuckles bled. Tim buried himself in work, desperate to distract himself. Damian trained until he collapsed, refusing to let anyone see him cry. And Dick couldn’t even look at your room without breaking down.
Bruce tried to hold them all together, but even he struggled. At your funeral, he gave a speech, his voice steady but his eyes filled with sorrow.
The Aftermath
They all dealt with your death in their own way, but one thing was constant—they would never stop missing you. Every quip, every smile, every moment of chaos you brought into their lives was etched into their memories forever.
Jason would often find himself staring at the night sky, muttering, “You’d probably call me a softie for this.”
Tim would keep a photo of you on his desk, a constant reminder of the person who always believed in him.
Damian would visit your grave, silently promising to make you proud.
And Dick? Dick would tell stories about you to anyone who’d listen, keeping your memory alive.
As for Bruce? He’d sit in the Batcave late at night, staring at your suit and wondering what he could have done differently.
You may have been gone, but you would never be forgotten. You were their light. And the hole you left in their lives would never be filled.
ʀᴏᴛᴛᴇɴꜰʏʀᴇ: ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ᴄᴏᴘʏ, ᴛʀᴀɴꜱʟᴀᴛᴇ ᴏʀ ᴜꜱᴇ ᴀɴʏ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ᴡᴏʀᴋꜱ ʜᴇʀᴇ ᴏʀ ᴀɴʏ ᴏᴛʜᴇʀ ᴡᴇʙꜱɪᴛᴇꜱ.
#🕊️.ask#🕊️. dc comics#ㅤㅤ⠀ㅤ 𓇼ㅤ ㅤ𓂂ㅤㅤ ˚ㅤㅤ ◌ㅤ ͏͏͏ ͏͏͏ ͏͏͏ ͏͏͏ ͏͏͏ ͏͏͏ ͏͏͏ ͏͏͏ ͏͏͏ ͏͏͏ ͏͏͏ㅤ ͏͏͏ ͏͏͏ ͏͏͏ ͏͏͏ ͏͏͏ ͏͏͏ ͏͏͏ ͏͏#bruce wayne x reader#bruce wayne x you#bruce wayne#yandere bruce wayne#yandere batman x reader#yandere batfam x reader#yandere batfam#dick grayson x reader#dick grayson#yandere dick grayson#yandere dick grayson x reader#nightwing x y/n#yandere nightwing#nightwing x reader#nightwing x you#yandere jason todd x reader#yandere jason todd#jason todd x reader#red hood x fem!reader#yandere red hood#red hood x reader#tim drake x fem!reader#tim drake x reader#red robin x reader#damian wayne x reader#damian wayne x female reader#batfam x fem reader
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New year, same bullshit. I’m sorry I’ve been so MIA, friends, but I hope you accept this drabble as an explanation of sorts. Love you all ❤️
“Should I be worried?”
Grantaire’s eyes flicker up to Enjolras’s, his cereal spoon halfway to his mouth. “Do you mean, like, in general?” he asks. “Because I mean, like, it’s 2025. And we’re all fucked. So.”
He sticks his spoon in his mouth and shrugs. Enjolras doesn’t smile. “That’s on me for not being more specific, I guess,” he says, scrubbing a hand across his mouth before crossing his arms in front of his chest. “You’re not painting.”
Grantaire swallows. “Well, no,” he allows, “mainly because I’m eating breakfast at the moment.”
“Be serious.”
Grantaire’s lips twitch. “It’s somewhat less funny when you know it’s coming.”
Enjolras arches an eyebrow. “And yet that’s never stopped you before.”
“Fair.” Grantaire twirls his spoon between his fingers before pronouncing, like the well-worn, inside joke it had become, “I am wild.”
Almost certainly despite himself, Enjolras smiles, just slightly. “Yeah, you are,” he agrees. “But you’re also not painting.”
Grantaire’s answering smile fades. “Could be,” he says, a little sullenly. “It’s not like you’re around enough to know.”
It’s a low blow and he knows it, but Enjolras doesn’t flinch. “Maybe not but we live in a late capitalist surveillance state so I have my ways of finding out.”
“Well, well, well, typical white man, complaining about the system except for when it directly benefits you.”
“Yep,” Enjolras says. “Are you going to keep deflecting? Because I can do this all day.”
For a moment, Grantaire’s tempted to take him up on it, to see just how long he’ll actually allow this to drag on. It’d almost certainly be good fun, and it isn’t like Grantaire’s got anything better to do.
But he can also see that Enjolras is genuinely worried, can see it in the tightness of his shoulders and the lines at the corners of his eyes that he tries to claim aren’t crow’s feet because he’s not old enough to have crow’s feet. And considering Grantaire’s previous point about all of the other things that are almost certainly more worth Enjolras’s worry, he supposes he owes him at least a semblance of the truth.
“Yes, I haven’t been painting,” he says, dipping his spoon in his bowl of cereal and stirring it, mostly to give himself something to do with his hands. “No, you shouldn’t be worried.”
Enjolras nods like he didn’t really expect a different answer. “Are you depressed again?”
Enjolras’s bluntness, characteristic though it may be, still startles a laugh from Grantaire. He sighs and looks down at his cereal bowl. “There’s not really a way to say this that won’t worry you.”
When he sneaks a glance at him, Enjolras meets his eyes evenly. “Try me.”
Grantaire jerks a shrug. “I’ve never really not been depressed,” he admits, which isn’t really a dirty secret so he’s not entirely sure why he’s saying it like it is.
Maybe because he really doesn’t want Enjolras to worry. They don’t talk about this, really, other than for Enjolras to reiterate more times than Grantaire can count that he’s always there to listen if ever Grantaire wants or needs to talk.
He knows that Grantaire’s in therapy, and takes meds, and had some very low lows previously, but Grantaire’s never felt the need to fill him in on the specifics.
It was depressing enough living it the first time.
He made that joke, such as it was, to his therapist, who didn’t laugh. “Do you frequently feel like you’re a burden to your loved ones?” she asked in response.
Of course Grantaire does, but again, he won’t tell Enjolras that.
Enjolras taps his fingers on the table, the way he does when he’s deciding on the best plan of attack or how to most effectively dismantle whatever asinine argument Grantaire’s brought up. “I thought you were doing better,” he says hesitantly after a moment.
He doesn’t pitch it as a question but Grantaire still nods. “I was.”
“What happened?” Enjolras asks, before pausing and asking, “Did something happen?”
Grantaire sighs and crosses his arms in front of his chest. “It doesn’t always work that way,” he says. “It’s not always triggered by something happening.”
Enjolras’s brow furrows. “Right,” he says shortly, something like disappointment flitting across his expression.
It took Grantaire a very long time when they got together to realize that this kind of disappointment isn’t aimed at him, but at a problem Enjolras can’t fix, an enemy he can’t fight.
At least, not directly.
He clears his throat. “But in this case, I think probably everything over the past few months played at least a contributory role, shall we say.”
True though it is, he mostly says it for Enjolras’s sake. Enjolras just nods slowly. “Are you not painting because your depression is bad again?”
Grantaire exhales sharply. “I’ve painted a lot while depressed.”
Enjolras’s expression doesn’t shift. “Another excellent deflection.”
Grantaire barks a laugh and scrubs both hands across his face. “You know me too fucking well.”
“Or just well enough.”
Grantaire lowers his hands and sighs again. He doesn’t quite meet Enjolras’s eyes as he says, “Every time I go try to paint…it’s like I can’t see it anymore, you know?” Enjolras almost certainly doesn’t know, but he’s struggling to put it into words in a way he can understand. “Like I can’t picture it in my mind, how I want it to look, or how to get there. It’s– it’s like trying to paint in fog.”
It’s not an exact metaphor, but it’ll do.
Enjolras nods slowly. “But I don’t need to be worried.”
“No,” Grantaire says, before wrinkling his nose. “Yes? I never know what the correct response is.” Enjolras just gives him a look, and Grantaire tells him, “No, you don’t need to be worried.” He pauses, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth before telling Enjolras with an almost tired conviction, “It’ll come back. It always has.”
“And if it doesn’t?” Enjolras asks.
Grantaire cracks a smile. “Then you can worry.”
Enjolras takes a deep breath. “Ok,” he says simply.
Grantaire eyes him resignedly. “You’re going to worry anyway, aren’t you?”
A smile twitches at the corners of Enjolras’s mouth. “Newsflash, asshole, I’ve been worried this whole time,” he says dryly, and Grantaire’s smile widens at the quote.
“I’m sorry,” he says, and Enjolras’s smile disappears.
“What? Why?”
Grantaire shakes his head, mostly because he knows Enjolras won’t like his explanation. “Because you shouldn’t have to—”
Sure enough, Enjolras cuts him off with a scowl, though his voice is gentle as he tells him, “That ship I’m pretty sure sailed when I fell in love with you. Or, frankly, probably a good deal sooner than that.”
There are so many things that Grantaire wants to say that, but he can’t bring himself to. Instead, he stretches his hand across the table and tells Enjolras, sincerely, “I love you.”
Enjolras takes his hand, lacing their fingers together. “I know,” he says softly. “I love you, too.” He squeezes Grantaire’s hand before adding, “I hope it comes back soon.”
“Yeah,” Grantaire agrees. “So do I.”
#exr#enjolras#grantaire#enjolras x grantaire#enjoltaire#fanfiction#modern au#Les Miserables#established relationship#depression cw#mental illness#drabble#ficlet
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artkita family stimboard when ^^??
-🫀 anon ^_^
artkita family stimboard
im SO happy to finally get to do this… this has been in my drafts. okay listen, i think artyom would hate his family and abuse his malewife as much as the next guy… but i am so incredibly depressed i need to imagine them as a happy couple with children.
also for my headcanons just pretend that artyom and nikita got better, moved to america, and became a happy gay couple…❤️
(im actually writing a fanfic similar to this.)
artyom definitely works as a doctor so theyre a little more well off and he likes to spoil their kid(s) with nice little trips or things here and there. he also likes to spoil nikita with nice things.
because hes a doctor hes not home all the time which leaves nikita to do a lot of the work. i feel like he would be a stay at home dad since he has poor mental health and is working on himself #selfloveking but he takes care of the kid(s) nicely.
artyom is the dad they go to for all the advice and logical stuff while nikita is the dad they go to for comfort and help. artyom never got very good at comforting and nikita never got very good at giving advice, so it works out.
they also go to artyom for any kind of medical things. anytime their kid(s) get sick hes the one to help with it and he’ll also help when they get hurt/cut… he will clean the wound and put a bandaid on it just for them. hehehe.
nikita is usually the one to put their kid(s) to bed because artyom is always so busy working/not home and i think theyd make it into a whole production. nice shower/baths and then he would tuck them into bed, but he would always get stuck there telling them stories and such… he ends up falling asleep with them.
i dont care what anyone says about this, but they need to own cats. at least two of them. it would be so cute.
their kids have definitely seem pictures and videos of them from when they were teenagers/kids and they think they looked so cool. one time they even convinced artyom to grow his hair back out which he did a little bit, so then they played with his hair and styled it.
nikita had also introduced them to purgen and gave them his old hoodie which they wear all the time. the band really grew on them and now they listen to the music together all the time.
nikita and artyom have both pushed their kid(s) to pursue music in some way. artyom has definitely taught their kid(s) how to play guitar while nikita taught them how to use certain music equipment and sound things.
they for sure both taught their kid(s) how to speak russian and they use it frequently in their household. they switch between using english and russian all the time in their sentences.
on that note, their kid(s) also grew up watching and reading russian kids shows and stories.
when the kid(s) are having a bad day and are cuddled up with nikita he will run his fingers through their hair or rub their back while he hums the tunes to some of the old songs he used to sing.
when artyom has off and they have someone to watch the kid(s) then him and nikita will go on little dates and trips to have time for themselves. it doesnt matter where, they just enjoy the break.
artyom and nikita definitely had to go through a lot of therapy and work to even get to where they are now. they both got over their issues and artyom cares for nikita a lot. i think nikita would have to take meds for things and would struggle to even get up a lot, so artyom will remind him to take his pills and stuff. when nikita is absolutely stuck in bed artyom will gladly take care of everything around the house.
artyom has an office at home that he works from sometimes, but when hes working in there a lot of the time their kid(s) will interrupt him and try to bother him as much as possible so nikita always has to come and get them out.
at night though when nikita puts the kids to bed and artyoms still working in his office he will go in there and be with him. it starts with him leaning on the desk, then sitting on the arm of the chair, before sitting in his lap and watching him work. its only a matter of time before hew completely distracted and theyre flirting/loving up on each other.
#tcc fandom#tcc tumblr#tccblr#tcctwt#tee cee cee#tccblur#teeceecee#anoufrievboy stims#nikita and artyom#artyom anoufriev#artkita#nikita lytkin#dismembered pugachova#academy maniacs#🫀 anon ; father t
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Today is being wildly eventful and I'm just high enough to spill on here
So
- Woke up at 4am after going to sleep at 2 and couldn't fall asleep again because stress and lack of meds and also sperm donor being an egotistical ungrateful piece of shit
- A friend paid for my meds so I went to the city to get them
- Got an email from shitty prof saying we have classes tomorrow but I can't fucking go especially since it's not even a real fucking class and I don't have money to come to the damn city again
- For some reason ADHD meds are hard to get without ordering them and it was sold out or something in 6 different pharmacies. Save for one who miraculously had one bottle
- I was crying by then and had to walk a lot
- Decided to go to a church to feel the energy maybe shake off the goddamn evil luck
- Unsure if that worked
- Walked to get the meds and had to keep focused all the way because everything was overwhelming
- Got meds, then went to sit and have some tea
- While having tea a guy and a girl sat down at the table in front of me and started talking about the wildest stuff while the meds hit for me. She looked and by the sound of it was some sort of mini IG model and he looked like he was part of a podcast. She was wearing foundation two shades lighter than her skin (she was white, mind) and it was absolutely caked and I don't mind saying that because she randomly started slut shaming other women while the guy just laughed awkwardly. Then they started talking about jail and torture. I think they both had ofs because they kept talking about taking pictures and "doing things for money" before the random jail talk
- I wasn't hungry at all so all I had was a cup of caramel coffee and a cookie from Subway
- Decided to take the bus because it was cheaper than the Uber and I was in no condition to walk more especially considering that I still have to walk home (on the train rn)
- At the bus stop I stood up to let this old lady sit and she was very grateful
- Lady didn't know my gender and said like 'oh thank you sweet girl or boy I can't tell but you look lovely'. Made this miserable week feel less shit. Yes it's only Tuesday. Pray for my ass I guess lol
- Went to get some drawing paper for my brother. Some old man at the shop was asking the clerk for glue and she pointed him towards the glue but apparently he wanted dentures glue lmao and was trying to get it from irl AliExpress
And that's all for now, let's hope the rest of the week is mostly uneventful because I'm losing my mind already
My phone also said: gender.
- Adding because it's still going. Someone on the train is becoming the joker over a cancelled appointment very eloquently calling out incompetence absolutely spitting bars still going slam poetry who barely even stuttering goddamn power to this person. And someone was singing the Homer Simpson Spider-Pig song and is rooting for this person.
-Update: Made it home. But not before more wacky stuff. Saw this old lady who had some cats and was doing crochet in her van and said my sperm donor should die while saying she hoped god blessed me my brother and my mother and also my uncle and showed me this religious pamphlet thing. Then right after I saw a man training some sort of bird to be outside. After that I saw a man with his goats and finally I got in the house intact somehow.
Nobody cares but look at the goats. Yes I'm very rural and my phone's quality is pretty bad. Adds to the charm. All the goats had bells.
#homiro said some shit#random shit idk#not having a good time but at least i got my meds#but i swear my days can never be normal and this week is feeling like a lifetime#long post#queer#intersex#androgynous#personal
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Do you have anything you've been thinking on but just haven't made a post about it yet? Also I'm really enjoying your fic!
I have a few things but it's likely mostly headcanons that I consider somewhat disconnected from my analysis.
Curly's parents had him old, only child, died shortly after he graduated and got the pony express position. It was the last big thing they saw him do which is a reason he stayed for so long.
Doesn't admit how much their death affected him
Jimmy has a largish family. One of the cases of too many kids to keep tract of, parent never really noticed any of them nor their behaviors
Anya lived in a lot of houses growing up, regular supportive family that just struggled to support themselves.
Became a nurse largely to avoid their financial struggles but mostly because she felt too many people weren't being cared for and advocated for in the world properly
Swansea likes high top sneakers most. Likes how snug they fit and how they shield his ankles at work
Curly has a bit of a caffeine problem since he can’t sleep. Can occasionally be found wandering the ship at “night” when he had some too late or just couldn’t sleep.
Daisuke knows a little about a lot of things. Starts conversations with “did you know” a lot but please don’t ask him deeper questions
Curly has known Jimmy longer but has worked with Anya and Swansea longer, met them during his middle years, met Jimmy shortly before college.
Swansea rents a house, Daisuke’s family lives in a big nice apartment, Curly has a condo, Anya live in a small one bedroom apartment and Jimmy has a studio.
Curly's home is very disconcerting. It's too normal to a like uncanny degree.
Anya is ambidextrous but prefers her left.
Anya and Curly are both not native English speakers so occasionally they forget words and bond over the mutual mocking they get from the rest of the crew. Daisuke knows some Japanese but is still learning, never picked it up as a kid
Only Swansea and Daisuke know how to drive, Earth in my mind is very post capitalist so only older people and like the extremely wealthy can afford cars.
It's also like walkable just due to how many businesses are in your face. Probably strict living vs shopping districts
I have more but the way that I headcanon about them is like too long.
#im still trying to figure out voiceclaims like I think Curly is the most generic lost his accent his accent like swedish or eastern european#guy cause he was raised by old immigrants and anya never had a thick accent but she talks with the cadence of one shes like slavic and east#asian to me. Swansea at most is like irish or italian but just an old white guy and Jimmy just has a bit of olivish skin like hes just whit#i think people should make them all weirder too like I think Anya loves showing the fucked up diagrams and pictures from premed and everyon#has to nod and act super supportive and not horrified cause Anya thats a guy with his leg broken in seven places it is not facinating to th#rest of the crew but she loves it cause fyi to go to med school you have to pass pre-med she has a BA if not a BS in nursing or bio atleast#Swansea randomly talks about shoe politics and its like hes talking about regular politics. Curly doesn't sleep walk but he pauses at weird#times or places and will just stand leave and not tell anyone anything cause even he forgot#Jimmy is himself ig and Daisuke always has some media drama they are too old for to get invested in and teach them about youth slang Anya#kinda gets it#also i think people make Curly and Jimmy way too old? Like In my mind Curly is sorta his late 20s- early 30s like he's in the settling#part of his life hence the fear about settling here anya is likel mid 20s to 30 cause she at least finished college we dont have the years#of how long shes been working and maybe Jimmy is just a bit older and feels weird envy about missing that introspection Curly is having.#Daisuke is like 19-22 in my mind like hes an adult but a kid by their standards#like Curly was recruited and its much easier to get younger people plus getting someone young is a good investment like they either got him#right after school and its like all he's known and it scares him#mouthwashing#mouthwashing game#anya mouthwashing#curly mouthwashing#jimmy mouthwashing#swansea mouthwashing#daisuke mouthwashing#ask#anon
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skyglow:
(alternative title: photo dump of a midnight desert run)
#photography#Ford's Art#color says shit#it was either go on a twelve mile run or re-download grindr and get absolutely blasted so I went with the more responsible option.#b because damn I'm feeling it tonight. or at least I was before the run. I need to shower and then I'll cook dinner and go to bed satiated.#I did also jerk off under the bridge and then piss on someone's flowers on the way home. gotta get those animal instincts out somehow right?#anyway I've successfully vented most of my manic energy and a cold shower will finish it off and then we're good.#the mood meds have been helping a lot. last time I got hit with this kind of a mood I came out of it with huge bite marks and chlamydia.#and I haven't been feeling it nearly as bad this time so that's nice. more like a restless dog and less like a caged wolf thirsty for blood.#yes I'm making references to Call of the Wild again deal with it.#anyway sorry to anyone who sees this from the tags and not because you follow me. you didn't sign up for this lmao.#also. this is why I can't be a binary trans woman. this night photography shit is the most gay-man thing ever and I enjoy it.#I was doing it before my last boyfriend but he got me even more into it.#anyway bye I'm gonna go shower and then eat food. I've been hungrier more recently.#between the meds and the hrt my appetite is bigger and I'm gaining weight with the hrt fat redistribution which is cool and good.#I want to be a healthy weight and maybe even a lil chonky? we'll see we'll see.
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#well I just submitted my essay for my history class so I'm finally done with finals#I wish I felt happier or relieved or something but I don't. I feel awful. my body hurts from the incredible amount of tension/anxiety I had#trying to finish it before 11:59. I submitted it at 11:55. I have never come that close before and I hate it#the amount of anxiety I had you'd think the deadline was hunting me for sport#and what's worse is I felt all this anxiety and put all this work into it and I'm not even happy about it#I spent two days trying to figure out what he wanted us to write about because apparently he just seems to be really bad at instructions#like I thought maybe it was just me overthinking but I spent two hours talking to my mom about it and in the end even she couldn't figure i#so then I had only two days to gather notes make an outline write an essay. while burnt out and barely able to focus.#and while not knowing exactly what I was doing like is this what he wants. is it not. who knows I literally don't have time left#to figure it out I just need to write something and hope it works#but I hate being unsure it makes everything harder#especially because I really wanted to make a good grade. this was the class where I made a 78 on my midterm#which brought my class grade to a B but I'd been able to get it back to an A and I'd be able to keep it if I got like an 80ish on the final#the essay turned out okay idk if it's what he wanted but whatever at least I got the other requirements like word count and sources#but the CITATIONS...we had to use chicago which I'd never used before and let me just say. mla is the love of my life after this.#actually chicago might not be that bad if I got used to it I think my violence should be directed toward every word processor#that links footnotes. it is so STUPID that there isn't an easier way to make them different#if it hadn't been for trying to figure out footnotes on google docs I could've submitted it like ten minutes earlier#and with phenomenally less stress#I eventually had to make a choice as to what I'd give up: (1) submitting it on time (2) perfect citations or (3) word doc#which is what he wanted it submitted as#except when I tried that thank goodness I looked at the preview before I submitted it because I saw that it'd messed up the citations#I ended up submitting it as a pdf. on time. with perfect (maybe) (I didn't have time to double check) citations. but not as a word doc.#is it the end of the world? idk probably not but not meeting a professor's requirements is like. anathema.#all of that is to say that I'm going to cry and then let it go and get to bed and just. idk. I've reached that point where#I'm so tired and numb that it feels like I'll never feel better#anyway#maybe I hurt because of my meds and the side effects decided to kick in now because the grace of God held them back long enough#for me to finish#earl crow ramblings
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#medical in tags#so it's been. a day.#avoided an ER trip <3#bp was 117/91 resting. so a bit high on the diastolic (120/80 is the standard). also narrow pulse pressure.#(not enough space in between the numbers)#which on its own? whatever. usual POTS weirdness. I'm always a bit narrow (but usually much lower).#but ALSO my heart rate was resting at about 90 and I was shaky and having nosebleeds#which. kind of elevates the situation a bit. lol.#I got better after a beta blocker and intense hydrating but I had to call my mom once the nosebleed hit.#I get them randomly all the time but in conjunction with the other symptoms it was worrying.#and I got better- or at least my symptoms subsided after a beta blocker- but it's Not Good when your EMT mother is worried!#she has seen All The Things. she knows when something's an emergency and when it's just otc meds worthy.#so to hear her giving me clear orders of what to do in her EMT voice over the phone was... not good :)#anyways. doing better now but still kind of spooked.#i've been watching too much house md. i need to stop for a bit lol it makes my own medical anxiety so much worse#BUT IT'S INTERESTINGGGGGGG. on s3. i need tritter dead.
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Should make a pain killer that actually kills (or even touches) pain
#not that I have access to ultra hardcore stuff#but even when I had... pretty sure it was vicodine for my wisdom teeth; it didn't do a thing for me#cbd based stuff seems like it maybe helps; certainly does more than nsaids which do nothing for pain (great for inflammation though)#but I just... I'd really like something that actually makes my muscles and joints feel like... good; unpain#I'm sure it would be classified as addictive whatever it was but like... fuck man... I just want to not hurt#I can't tell if I have chronic pain cause... I kinda forget to pay attention when I'm hurting a lot of the time#I'll just... kinda realize I've been hurting bad all day and just not really focusing on it#and I also don't know how often it happens; if it's once a day or once a month or what; not great at noting that stuff down#but man... I don't even like most meds; so many meds either do nothing for me or make me feel like shit#like... benedril? however you spell it; someone gave me some once said it would help me sleep... help me be awake feeling like ass more lik#but like... love to see if muscle relaxants actually like... relaxed my muscles; but you get it; you get why I'll never be able to try it#though honestly I think therapeutic massage might help me a lot#but my doc says that really only gets authorized by physical therapy and... well for me physical therapy is useless#cause I forget to do the exercise; like it's me failing a physical therapy; not a probably with physical therapy#if I ever think I can keep up with it I'd love to try physical therapy for my back again; but I don't want to waste all my chances at it#not when... I descriptively didn't do it when I was in it before; I'd never remember to do any of the exercises#anyway; bonus story from when I was in urgent care when the infection came back (that's still never been solved)#I tell the doc 'last time it tore open a drainage hole it was the worst pain I've ever felt'... cause it was#I said 'I'll need something a bit stronger than an nsaid cause the nsaid did nothing but cut inflammation last time'#she's like 'don't worry; I got you'... wanna guess what she gave me? a newer nsaid#it didn't do shit; I was just lucky and it wasn't as painful... maybe the old drainage hole tore open easier this time#but I didn't even take the nsaid she prescribed; so I'm gonna say it wasn't that med helping#like I get it; you don't want to give opioids... and would it shock you to know that wasn't what I was looking for either#there's gotta be something between nsaid and fentynol man#...well... maybe the cdb has almost got my muscles... hurting less at least; only taken all this time I've been writing#they still hurt for sure... I don't know... get tired; you know?#mm tag so i can find things later
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This just in, local struggler severely overestimates how much they can eat yet again. Left with half a bowl of ramen and a sad, sad heart
#speculation nation#it's homemade at least so im not wasting money on fancy ramen#but i Hate this man it sucks 😭😭😭😭#i keep losing weight bc i can never eat enough#and i was like 'ok lets make a ramen thats a good sized meal' but then i cant FINISH it#forced myself to finish all the eggs at least and now im just picking at the peas. ugh.#at this rate im gonna have to start drinking ensures more regularly again#bc i havent gotten to the underweight phase yet but if it keeps going like this then i will#like it was. excuse me talking about my weight for a bit but im a tad bit concerned about it#but back before i started adderall back in uhh. september?? i think?? or october???#fuck if i remember. been a few months tho. but also not That long.#anyways i was at like. 140lbs at the doctor and like 137lbs at home (relevant bc clothes weight. rest of this will be at home weights)#and ive had such shit appetite that ive been watching it go down and down. like at least a pound a week. sometimes two pounds.#and now im at 123lbs. which is a solid almost 15 lbs lost in like 3 ish months. which is kind of a lot when ur small to begin with.#also a little alarming when u see this happen like a pound lower between every shower. bc i tend to check before i shower.#& i often shower every 4 days or so. when im in the Rotting Era and all. aka i dont rly go outside much.#and like 123lbs still isnt bad for 5'3“ but i think 107lbs is the cutoff for underweight. and im halfway there.#and now see i was about this weight a few years back so in one respect it's nice to fit into some of my older pants again#but at the same time..thats too quick!!! thats not healthy!!!! but when i try to eat more i Cant!!! it makes me nauseous!!!!!#so back in early 2020 when i was dipping under 110lbs bc of meds stuff i got onto ensure and it did help. so maybe i need to again.#just..blegh. i just kinda feel empty all the time. like stomach-wise. but not Hungry. it's a problem.#gotta come up with ways to eat that dont rely on my stomach to tell me when to eat. bc it's definitely not doing a good job at that.#weight mention/#and like see ive been eating 2 meals a day on average but i was doing that before too!!!!!!#but i think it's bc i cant Finish my meals half the time that's really causing problems.#staring at my half eaten bowl of ramen very grumpily. it has now been long enough that it's kind of gross.#and my arms hurt. just bc my bone aches have decided to flare up again. very grumpy.#negative/#i guess lol
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"I will go to bed early because I feel like shit"
*ambulance outside flashing light into my windows for twenty minutes*
*neighbors stomping around just as I start to fall asleep*
"Wait shit I'm hungry."
Not only is it no longer "early" it's now "late" congratulations, everyone. Terrible job.
#at least the thing making me feel like shit seems to have calmed down#I *really* should get that eye twitch looked at#but it's still liminal time so idk when it's gonna come up before my next psych med appointment#relevant in that it's got a good chance of being A Side Effect#so for now I'm just lowing my dose Again#anyway maybe if I lay down again I can sleep this time#little alien life shit
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there’s so much i wanna do this week/month/etc but i’m just too sick, i have no energy, i can’t sleep, i’m constantly nauseous and headachey and on the verge of a migraine, i’m stressed and irritable and impatient and panicky…….how tf did i survive nearly 5 years of high school untreated if i can’t even manage this when i don’t have any major obligations rn
#at least i finally got my meds so hopefully i feel a little better soon#although i’m now on 20 pills per day which is Just Great#whenever i’m in remission it’s nice to just. forget sometimes that this can happen at any time#kinda wish i had the typical kinda chronic illness that people talk about with ‘flares’#or at least triggers that i can plan around#the other times have all had an easily identifiable stressor tho tbf. idk what caused this one#the first time was whooping cough and the next few were all very major life stressors like my cat dying right after i started uni#and i think also towards the end of my honours thesis?#but this…….there’s no major stress right now. nothing wildly beyond normal#i’m a little concerned about my joints tho. they’ve been so much worse than normal the last few months#so i’m kinda worried i’m developing rheumatoid arthritis (also an autoimmune disease and it runs in the family specifically)#so if that’s happening then it could set my thyroid off? probably should get to the doctor at some point#obv i’m seeing my endo for thyroid stuff. but i should see my gp and get her to run all the autoimmune blood tests again#i’ve done that before but it’s been a few years and my ankles and knees are so painful i can’t even walk properly a lot of the time#BUT I JUST WANNA DO THINGS I ENJOY AND I CANT AND I WILL CONTINUE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT IT#‘oh you’re so lucky you don’t have as many obligations because you’re chronically ill’ ha ha ha please swap lives with me immediately#personal#but seriously. i wasn’t diagnosed until i was nearly 17 and we can trace it back to whooping cough when i was 12#so it was the last half of year 6 and then all of years 7-10 and the start of year 11 of just being. uh. ‘very lazy and complaining a lot’#and TEACHERS joking about me and my sister (who was dealing with an arguably more severe undiagnosed disease) missing so many classes#wow so funny pdhpe teacher who’s supposed to be teaching is about health#and the thing with being a mentally ill teenager is that hyperthyroidism can just look like a very severe anxiety disorder#so i didn’t go to the dr until i was too sick to go to school at all. and luckily had a good dr who did a blood test#i’m just rambling now because i can’t sleep and i don’t wanna lie here doing nothing#might go play pvz or something. that’s been keeping me entertained
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i wish my mum would ever take my word before anyone elses
#“you're not struggling you always got good grades!”#“you must be misremembering it”#and then we look at the grades and my lowest was a 1 cause you cant get a 0#i'd just barely scraped by in everything or failed#maybe a couple 8's in specific subjects at most#who's misremembering it now?#“i dont want to put you on adhd meds because they could cause depression”#ive BEEN depressed with 0 support#at least this time we could be ready#man idk im just sad ig#i wish she would believe me ever#“oh miss ****** said” what about me? what about what /i/ have to say?#do i not know myself better that someone who taught me the subject im best at for 1 year#who i never ever talked to about anything personal?#how would she know?#but no#of course everyone else knows best#alex says shit#vent
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yeah I really need preventative migraine meds to improve my overall quality of life. I cant really sustainably work even close to full time right now especially not while also taking care of myself and my living space. Yeah of course thats what i look forward to most and not like, being able to play hollow knight again haha that would be ridiculous
#jokes aside i really do need the meds. i have a migraine on average 2 days out of 3#and probably even more frequently as of late due to my summer job boiling me alive#and also not being able to play your favourite video game really does fucking suck#im so photosensitive that the flashes of focus and especially crystal heart can trigger a migraine if im already teetering on the edge#(which i basically always am)#i have triptans and my doctor hoped theyd end the cycle of stress on my body but they havent really decreased the amount of time i have a -#- migraine attack overall just shortened the individual attacks#before i got them the attacks would last at least 3 days but now they usually pass with rest medicine food and a good nights sleep#but i still dont get long between the attacks#z talks
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Sighs. Am trying to make dinner (on one foot, mid migraine, in a horrible flare up) which my sister said she'd help with. She did a few things (washed the carrots, cut up the beets which were supposed to be whole) and then said i clearly had it under control and went back to the computer. Still have tons left to do. Have no energy and am not even hungry.
#feels like the more help i need the more literally everyone is like. hm. good luck with that. and then they leave#especially doctors but also my sister as well#i know she's not my caretaker ! am well aware !#just kind of dont understand the lack of reciprocity. i take care of her whenever she's sick#asked her to pick up my last couple meds from the pharmacy#which is attached to the store she was going to anyway and was like 'dont bother if theres a line but if there isnt one could you ?'#after she just saw me struggle massively on my crutches when we got coffee this morning#and she said it wasnt good timing and she didnt know if people can even pick up meds for each other#they definitely fucking can bc ive picked up her meds plenty#anyway am out of my migraine meds entirely and really have zero hope of getting them for the next while#at least until i can walk on my right foot i guess#just feel. what's the words. frustrated and abandoned and alone. and too fucking disabled.#chronic illness#complaining
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man this has been a fuckingggg week
#so much shit at work...i had a day off yesterday and in the time i was out someone made a crazy mess in my lab and didnt clean up and my#boss had to do it but it left permanent bright yellow stains bc there was iron chloride involved lmfao its fucking everywhere#and no one will own up to it which is the real dickhead move like idc if u make mess but CLEAN UP & TELL ME OR MY BOSS BC ITS NOT UR LAB#we'll figure out who it is anyway bc we can check the stock records next week. and the work buses have been fucking me overrr#and so many asshole interactions this week ive had it up to here w other ppl#but also its been nice to start working properly w my friend in the lab. and he gave me brownies at lunch today :^)#and got a lot of life shit done that ive been putting off doing + my boss shared some rly nice feedback ppl have given to her abt me 🥹#i got kfc on the way home n my roomie is bringing me fried chicken from the good chicken place in our old city cuz she was there today#and ive been in a lot of pain again but at least ive talked to my dr and have a plan for the next few months n new meds to try#trying to focus on the good things. im sooooo so so tired tho#early bedtime tn i think. got nice stuff planned for the weekend tho <3#struggling thru it but we'll get there#.diaries
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