#idk I'm just saying stuff
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Whether it's platonic or romantic, I definitely think (know) it's clear that Gaara loves Naruto.
#once again feeling tempted to rewrite my lil ramble about the two into an essay of sorts#ludo.txt#it probably gets even more obvious later on but just from the kazekage rescue mission it's obvious#and it's also kinda obvious that naruto cares deeply about/loves gaara#platonic or romantic? It's up to you but it's clear their bond goes beyond just “heyyy ur my bestie aha”#does this make sense#idk I'm just saying stuff
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Manifesting Mia Goth being the queen of the Met Gala this year
#or Anya Taylor-Joy?#or both turning up being v boring#or neither one being there at all#Florence Pugh wearing something provocative?#Timothee in full Karl cosplay#idk I'm just saying stuff
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we were sitting on the floor and i was cutting out tiny pictures to make a collage for a friend's birthday. you were on your phone and you laughed about something, and i was still in love with you then, so i asked what had you giggling.
"sorry. i was just..." you took a moment and went back to texting. "i was telling someone about how you're afraid of the dark."
i'm afraid of the dark because something bad happened. "oh." i felt a little slinky of shame crawl down my throat.
you glanced up, and maybe it showed on my face, because you rolled your eyes and held the phone to the side casually so i could see the group chat. "what? was it a secret?"
i looked down to the scissors in my hand. "i just..." no, it's not a secret. it just felt like something private, something serious. saying why would you tell someone that just feels like an accusation. it's unfair. i honestly am not even ashamed of it, it's just a fact about my person that i don't usually share.
what a strange experience. is this a human thing or a generational thing? for our grandparents: did they need to worry about how quickly someone can just... share your personal information? again, i didn't even really have a true objection. what could i say? i want any person in my life to feel they can be honest with their friends. it's not like i said don't tell anyone this.
i cut out another letter to complete the rainbow happy birthday, started hunting for the exclamation mark. i heard you sigh dramatically.
"don't make a big deal about this," you said.
this entire conversation was a pattern for us, and this was when we got to my least favorite part of the pattern. i would get my feelings hurt in some oblique not-technically-terrible way, and then it would be making a big deal about something. you'd get frustrated for me for being soft, but i was born soft. you knew i was soft when you pierced me. it's one of the things that made controlling me so easy.
"i'm not," i felt my voice crack. the question came without my wanting. "why are you guys talking about me?" and why are you saying that thing? why not like - i'm telling them how you're generous and kind and pretty.
you let out this low, tragic groan. "oh my god." you tossed the phone away from your body. "there, see? i just won't talk to them if you don't like it."
the rest of the hour went the way it always went, between us: i said i don't actually mind if you talk to your friends but -, you found a way to call my minor expression of discomfort "being dramatic." you got upset that i had been offended. i ended up apologizing, even though i hadn't actually done anything.
afterwards, you picked up the phone again. after texting for a little bit, you snorted. "okay," you said, "but it is kind of funny you're afraid of the dark. i mean, when you think about it."
#spilled ink#writeblr#i'm trying to write about this really specific and wierd new experience#that i think is specific to the internet generation#where people you trust can just... say whatever??? and while most people are trustworthy#sometimes they'll just like... put ur shit out there????#and the thing is that sometimes it's GOOD - i want you to tell ppl if ur partner is being cruel!!!!!#i want u to be like ''hey is it normal if xyz happens'' ... but stuff like ''she's afraid of the dark''#PARTICULARLY when it's CLEARLY making fun of me....#what is the point of that.#this is huge and complicated and happens outside of romantic relationships too btw#like someone u thought of as a friend will be like . oh did u know she's scared of heights and it's like.#girl why are u fuckin doing that tho?#it's not a SECRET i just ...???????????????????????#and i think that gross feeling of like -- ''i can't REALLY be upset bc there's not a TRUE RULE about this....''#it's just not something talked about. bc it's so specific and yet so complex#bc how could i say like '' this is a violation of trust'' when it... technically I GUESS isn't????????????#idk maybe im just like super sensitive but please tell me in the comments/tags/etc if this is#something u have experienced (a trusted person like spreading ur shit) and if u were cool with it
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isn't it weird how if you get up at 7 or 8, do your work all day, then have free time and go to bed at 11 that's absolutely fine
but if i said i get up at 10, do fun stuff in the morning then work in the evening and go to bed late, i could be called lazy, nevermind that i'm getting just as much or MORE work done as i would in a traditional work day
#ramble#idk if this is a me problem or not#i've tried to do the early rise early bed thing again and again and it just does not work for me doing freelance right now#maybe it's bc i used to work at a bar so i'm more comfortable being active in the evening#i love working at night because there's less going on to distract me#what used to happen is i would get up early then fight executive dysfunction all day saying i couldn't do fun stuff until i did my work#then my will to work would hit at 10pm and i'd be up till 2am anyway#right now my routine is waking up later and playing a game or knitting for an hour or so and then working in the afternoon and evening#something something capitalism and 9-5 and adhd don't go together#this sounds like i'm just making excuses but it works and i'm actually getting shit done and sleeping enough so i don't see the problem#i just figured i'm probably going to sit and do nothing for a few hours in the morning anyway so i might as well give myself permission to
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It's been said before, it will be said again, but it's still worth saying: the fact that art centering on straight romance is allowed to just be bad, but art with queer romance in it always has to be indicative of A Serious Problem With the Way We Tell Queer Stories makes being a queer person making queer art deeply stressful
#just saw smthing about red white and royal blue#and like i never watched/read that one so maybe everything ppl say about it is true#and i never watched heartbreaker or love simon so maybe those ones are also genuinely a sign of a serious problem#but idk. the fact that this happens every damn time makes me think that maybe queer stories are being held to different standards#and it's exhausting writing stuff while having a chorus of voices in the back of my head saying i'm misrepresenting my own identities and#making the whole community look bad by writing mediorcre romance#and knowing that even though i'm neither straight nor a girl there WILL be ppl calling me a straight girl fetishizing queer relationships#lgbt#queer community#writer stuff#idk what else to tag this#asexual#bisexual#nonbinary#venttag
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Well someone has to give it its driver updates, Gabriel
#driver design and development ft. gabriel#why do i keep making gabriel look like a tech nerd?#idk don't ask me#but come on they're robots they don't need just blood right???#ramble time#i don't know what i am doing about that rendering and that's all i'm gonna say about this topic#i don't really play ultrakill anymore#apex + d2 take most of my playing time i simply don't play any other games#their idea list was never empty tho#i like their contrast i guess#they can have a lot of argument#that tends to make coming up dialogues easy#yeah#i don't know why i ramble this much#maybe just because i don't really have the chance per se#but i really seldom do ultrakill stuff now#ultrakill followers best time to unfollow starts now#ultrakill#ultrakill v1#ultrakill gabriel#my art
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One of my first digital pieces (2010) versus one of my recent ones (2024)
We all start somewhere!
#picked these cause they're in a similar pose lol. i mean not at all. but sort of... more than my other art at least...#oh fuck im so tired im saving this to drafts and coming back later#my anxiety meds wipe me the fuck out so im trying not to take them in the day#and they're like legit borderline a sleeping med for me. i take one and in 30 mins im OUT.#so I'm. i mean i was already only taking 1-2 in the day and then 2-3 at night#anyways it makes me sad when people say they dont have an artistic bone in their body#and especially when they say they could never draw like me :(#dont put yourself down to lift me up! i don't want my art to be used for you to be mean to yourself!!!#lots of experiences of people comparing themselves to me and being mean to themself...#feels bad. it's okay if you're slow it's okay to be learning it's okay!!!#I'm me and you're you and we're here to learn from each other. i just wanna hang out..#y'know what I'm just gonna post without saying anything i WILL forget I made a draft#i have so many things i intend to post and then forget#it's a wonder I post anything#i only do it when i get bored. and run out of stuff to scroll through#like whelp. guess if i want a post I have to make one myself.#also the second one is really good idc that it's a study i still drew it#art growth#this was in 2010 btw#i started highschool in 2011#I've grown a lot and you can too.#also I've never really been one to dislike my old art. like idk I was trying... if it's bad I just won't look at it whatever#like i wouldn't be mean to someone else who made that so i don't get a free pass to be mean just cause it's to me#man my thoughts are bungled. okay sleep time#if my phone made typos you didn't see it
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thinking about saiura
#my art#saiki k#tdlosk#saiki no psi nan#the disastrous life of saiki k#saiki kusuo#aiura mikoto#mikosai#saiura#i like them as friends more often but...an impulse came over me idk what happened . ..#i got an anon a couple days ago saying they liked my mikosai arts even tho i . didnt mean for those 2 be ship arts#so this one goes out to you#usually i dont like it when ppl tag my stuff as ship but i had a change of heart#(btw those other arts are still intended as platonic/ friendship stuff but i'm making an exception just this once)#anyway. no one probably wanted to listen 2 all that but yeagh#more recent art but not really. i really tried to do like have a bunch of arts on queue type deal but it didnt work . like at all.#anyway peace and love
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thinking about not only the specific people lucanis pulls in to represent the 'locks' in his psyche, but the storytelling that happens in the structure/order of them. the underlying ideas are presented something like:
the lucanis who went into the ossuary never came back out again; he died down there (the boy caterina raised is gone forever) -> you're putting yourself in danger doing this (by being close to me), you should leave because I can't bear it if you get hurt because of me -> it doesn't matter even if we do try this, it won't work anyway (again because of me) ('you know what he's like, you can open the door but he won't walk through it' :'( oofie doofie) -> what if the real secret is that there was never anything but the monster in here from the beginning. you should leave, there was never anything here worth saving in the first place. (implicitly: what if I deserved what happened, all along.)
it runs pretty cleanly from outward-oriented attachment anxiety ('caterina won't even want me back like this, she won't recognize me (the same way I no longer recognize myself)) and gradually deeper inwards until we reach self-image and self worth. or you know, the harrowing basic lack of it lol.
"careful -- they'll know we're not right," spite says in one of their first scenes... but clearly, some very deep part of lucanis has feared or suspected for much longer than that that there's something inherently not right at the core of him, way before any demon entered the picture. and the voice he gives those lines to is the person who should know him better than anyone in the world, who he has loved more than anyone in the world -- and who deliberately chose to hurt him so horrifically anyway. 'It's better if I'm just a monster and deserved what happened than it is to allow for the idea that the brother I love doesn't really exist and maybe never did'. it's better if he's fundamentally flawed in some way that needed fixing to help him survive, and that's why caterina chose to hurt him again and again -- out of love. (this one I think he might have a very sad wakeup call on one day if he ever ends up with the responsibility and care of a child of his own in some way and realizes just how alien the idea of ever intentionally hurting them for any reason is to him. oh buddy. also interesting that he keeps caterina as the outermost lock -- there IS a distance he keeps there that he hasn't with illario. he doesn't resent her 'anymore' he says, but he also keeps her carefully further away from his deepest self.)
as far as I could tell the only note in the mind prison that's fully hidden and needs to be uncovered is the sad painful helpless stupid little truth that even after all this, even knowing what happened... he still loves his brother. is there anything illario could ever do that would make lucanis completely stop loving him, do you think? sometimes the trouble with unconditional love is that it is, well. unconditional, even when some terms and conditions probably would have been in order haha.
that's the pattern you see there again and again; he would rather destroy and abandon and imprison himself at every turn than let go of love, even when it's just scraps, even when there's only ever enough of it to hurt him. it's only when rook shows up and as it were takes his hand and walks along with him that he can entertain the idea of changing the story of what walking out the door might mean in the end.
#tl;dr the demon is a metaphor about dissociation and trauma and it's doing its job thematically fucking pitch perfectly that way the end#dragon age#dragon age: the veilguard#dragon age: the veilguard spoilers#dragon age spoilers#lucanis dellamorte#dragon age meta#this mission is like ds9 the wire in terms of episodes you really can examine from a thousand different angles#and find something new and soulcrushingly sad every time. exactly my kind of episode in other words#whenever people say there's nothing to him but coffee and spite jokes some small part of me goes 'oh I'm so incredibly sorry!#it must be really hard and so impractical to go through life without being able to read :'( get better soon'#is that very nice of me. perhaps not. is the writing here *perfect*? of course not. but some people are also dedicated to being#wilfully blind (presumably b/c they would have preferred to see something else?? idk man)#lucanis' reaction to taash going 'I'm sorry I'm such a bad crow :'('... he could NEVER do what caterina did with him no matter what#you just can't use him like that. he needs the clean family/enemy/contract distinction or you just break him!!!#caterina literally what are you thinking. every day I ask myself this. (probably 'the only other option that keeps the seat in the family#is illario. so that's right out of course' lmao)#god forbid it happen anytime soon if it should happen b/c there's Stuff that needs working through first lol but he'd be such a soft dad
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WAIT WAIT WAIT I DIDN'T THINK THIS WAS REALLY APART OF THE GAME!! I had seen someone post it but I thought it was edited??? AND THEN?? SUDDENLY??? I GET THIS REACTION??? I've played this game so many times (major comfort game) AND I'M STILL FINDING NEW LINES??
AHHHH edit:
This is the other line I got for the first time in this playthrough? And I got it after Baxter first visited and was flirting with you? And I said I didn't mind and Cove was like... :eyes: So yeah, if you're trying to get that line that's all I can give you for right now! I hope y'all get Cove canonly calling your horny on your playthroughs!
#cove james holden YOU CAN'T JUST SAY THAT#I CAN'T EVEN HANDLE THIS#I think it happened because I kept teasing him and stuff but we weren't together yet until the end of step 3????#idk what I did differently AHHHHH#holy crap I'm dying what the FYCUK#our life#our life beginnings and always#cove holden#olba#our life cove#olba cove
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quick nosebleed seb doodle 😗😗
#i actually really dislike this but i'm conquering perfectionism right now!!#i really just want to get back to sharing stuff with y'all because it's become the highlight of my day when i do 🥺#idk if that's weird to say but hahah i've been so busy and exhausted it really has#i love interacting with the fandom sm 🥲💜#also sebastian definitely hit himself with his bludger after getting distracted by ravenclaw's seeker 😏#as a friend of milena's he'd be happy for her win but be so fkn sour as well because a win for her means a win for mousey LOL#oh and i've been so obsessed with quidditch champions too. after playing it i've gone down the rabbit hole of quidditch history TEHEE#okok i'll stop my yapping#hogwarts legacy#hogwarts legacy fanart#hogwarts legacy art#sebastian sallow#quidditch#quidditch champions#sparxyvdoodles
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Tbh if they're really gonna put off ever adding any of the mobs that lose I'd just rather they never hold a vote bcs it really sucks to keep hearing about all these cool ideas and know that they're just gonna scrap most of them. Knowing that they could have added Copper Golems and Mooblooms and Penguins and apparently aren't ever going to now just like....idk it's just a bummer! If they're never gonna add them then I just don't even want to know they could have been added in the first place :/
#okay this is the last thing I'm saying about this#bcs I really do love minecraft and they seem to be adding cool stuff#but this just...idk it just sucks every single time#and it clearly just exists to generate drama#I'd rather they focus on getting people to talk about the game by releasing cool updates#getting everyone to fight once a year just...idk it sucks and it's lazy and I dont like it#minecraft live#mob vote#stop the mob vote
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So the wildest thing happened where @mactheactor decided to dub over (if that's even the correct terminology) the Chaos Sonic animation I made!!!!
I'm still in utter awe about this like, hands down the coolest thing ever I've been thinking about this non-stop. Hope y'all enjoy it as much as I do!!
#starrway art#sonic prime#chaos sonic#okay now that the nice text for the post is done AHHHHHHHH!!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!#I've been screaming about this for the last 24 hours and the shock of it has worn down just enough for me to post this#NEVER WOULD HAVE GUESSED THIS WOULD HAPPEN IN A MILLION YEARS????#Sonic Prime is what got me on this long hyperfixation in the first place and I've met so many cool people in the fandom#and generally having a blast making art and it's been such a great time#so to then have Deven Mack come in and think that my stuff is awesome is such an insanely cool thing#it means a whole lot is what I'm trying to say haha#I do have to like microdose on this video because it makes me so incredibly happy that I get very overwhelmed by it#In a very good way though it makes me want to run laps outside#thanks to everyone I've met/interacted with so far being some of kindest people y'all are awesome#idk if this post is even like coherent I've been writing it in my mind for the past day because I have no idea how to even go about this#ok good night hehehe
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Finally got around to drawing the other two silly sea creatures!!! (+some wacky interactions with Laura)
#my art#my art stuff#kinito art#kinito au#kinitopet#kinito#sam the sea anemone#jade the jellyfish#laura#original character#shitpost#shenanigans#why did sam do that?#man idk#he's just wacky like that#jade is more nice tbh#also that last part in spanish says he's stupid and a junkie#it sounds mean#but look#all I'm saying is that there's probably a good ass reason his house is so fucked up in the game 😭😭😭#hshshshs
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I guess it's my turn to contribute something to the @starwars-arttrade-2023
A lesson on meditation for @stealingpotatoes because world needs more of Luke's New Jedi Academy, it's a pleasant night, the burning wood crackles nicely and the Force fills them with good vibes (✿◡‿◡) So yea I've decided to do the 'Make them comfy' prompt a liiiiitttleeee differently and, well, that's what came out!
#star wars art trade 2023#artists on tumblr#pixel art#star wars#ahsoka tano#grogu#star wars aliens#I'd die for Zheff tbh he's so cute#and holy heck I haven't done pixelart in ages#idk this is very much experimental and I low-key don't know what I'm doing but ALAS#just a fun little thingy#we need more Luke's jedi academy stuff tbh and you my dear Potato are doing the gods' work#idk what else to say have some free serotonin#everyone deserves some free serotonin
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Mark me as a fake Jane Austen fan because despite knowing Henry Crawford is an absolute rake and definitely the bad guy I was more interested in him and Fanny's relationship than her and Edmund's.
#idk if it's just how the movie did the story or whatever but edmund... bored me. ngl.#not that fanny dosen't deserve better than some Rake she cannot trust or tell is sincere and definitely is NOT sincere.#but idk. it was more interesting to me at least.#i'm saying stuff#mansfield park
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