#idek i just wanna do this shit
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i’m bout to quit my job 😂😂😂😂😂😂
#like tell me why my manager texted me to come in -_-#didnt even give me an hour notice just asked me to come rn#like ?????#bitch u rlly thought#i even told them that i couldnt come this weekend cs i’ll be busy#but do they ever listen ???#no absolutely tf not 🙃#im so over this shit#they literally work me like a dog and expect me to do everytjhinf#it pisses me off#i js wanna die#like i can’t this anymore#i’d rather kms than deal w this toxic ass shit#i need money but like is it even worth it bruh#plus im too lazy to find a new one#sooo….#idek what to do anymore :/
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I don’t want to go anywhere else I like it here. I like yall it’s so rare to feel any sense of community in fandom. I just always feel like I’m fucking up whenever I’m in discord it’s so overwhelming and I feel like I never say the right thing. My impulse is always the wrong one etc etc
#but that’s where everyone is now#like. I feel like I’ll get left behind otherwise#the pace is so fast#I’m having fun guys I promise#and I’m like. having such a crappy time at work#its not you guys it’s the medium. I get so overwhelmed#it’s just making things worse in my brain#and I know I invented the clone torment nexus but also sometimes things get Too Torment Nexus but I feel like such an ASSHOLE when I get#precious about the clones. like they exist to be tormented and they’re a community exercise but I feel. confused#it’s like always fun to see when ppl are playing dolls w something that’s partially to do with me but. I feel like I’m just#I’m just There#idek#jan.txt#the problem is I. like. I feel like if I vent to any of you guys abt this one on one that’s shit talking and I don’t wanna do that#but I also can’t talk to my irl friends abt this bc they’re so weird abt me liking Starbreaker
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What’s your favorite Poe costume?
hi bb 🥰 thank you for sending this, i very much enjoyed looking at all the pics lmao 🤤
10000000% my choice is the slutty dinosaur wrangler look from rise of skywalker
there's just....so much going on between the gloves and shirt and the pants and boots and that stupid fucking scarf hnnnnnnnnnnnnng.
i think i fall in love with him a little more every time i see him in this outfit tbh. it's very, um, inspiring, let's say 🤭
(honorable mention below the cut)
also adore him in his flight suit, tbh. who knew an ugly, orange onesie could also be sexy? 🙃
(tho, lbr, it might just be that oscar makes it sexy lmaooo)
#so many thots#first one is pulling that stupid scarf and kissing the shit out of him#(then maybe using it to tie him up later idk idk)#those GLOVES i'm fs;ldfkdlgk#i wanna suck n his fingers while he's wearing them is that weird#there's something so hot about them idek#and that stupid fucking shirt with that slutty ass collar and the sleeves rolled up to the elbows#asdl;ksfl;dkfg#i am#a puddle#and those pants legit like fit him so perfectly#i....i am LOOKING mmk#and that stupid thigh holster is doing ~things~ to me too fml#ya know what this reminds me of actually#and i can't believe i just now realized this#brendan fraser in the mummy#rick fucking o'connell#it's no longer a surprise that this is my favorite look lmaooo a;lsdksl;dfk#poe dameron#ivy tag
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ok let's catch up quickly
#so i went on a few dates w this guy. long hair beautiful face kinda looked like a girl (good) said yes ma'am when i told him to do smth#(also good) film student great at photography including candids. made a sheath of leather for a sword pin i have . et cetera.#he asked to cuddle and i was like iggg and then i felt Nothing and i was like ohhh yh ok ok yep lesbian#like he meets almost all my criteria but. yeahhh no . also at the end of that date he had some weird takes. anyway broke up w him and told#him actually im p sure im a lesbian (again) and he was like yk thats the second time this has happened to me this week but its ok bc ive#fallen for this girl from berlin. and then we cooked together. anyway . met a beautiful butch lowk in love w her. weve been on (1) date.#have two exams in a few days havent studied enough going to like end it all basically. my research partner kicked me off our research#(expected(it was always skinda sketchy)) which was devastating + it happened in a lidl 15 hours into a journey from bordeaux#to go back to the UK. my friends were kinda busy paying for baguettes but also they heard this whole exchange and are kinda mad at him#my friend of 10+ years is coming over in a few days. my evil ex situationship person that i decided to stay friends w because i kept#insisting they are a good friend and not evil and also extremely beautiful? turns out shockingly enough they were evil. tried to fix them#and then i realised due to their entire friendship group being ppl like me (Every Single One of their friends are ppl they met on dating#apps then led on then dumped and proposed staying friends w) and are collectively extremely attracted to them and not over them they#keep validating the most diabolical shit they say/do to hace a chance w them. they broke up w their ex and the way they keep leading#this poor girl on and making her heartbeeak worse and saying that they want more power over her and want her to beg for them back etc...MY#JAW HAD DROPPED esp bc i didnt even know the ex was in the picture BECAUSE ME AND ONE OF OUR FRIENDS (that they also dated) HAD JUSR SLEPT#NAKED TOGETHER IN THEIR BED W THEM. GIRL. anyway that is the least of the diabolical stuff they said but no we are moving onnn#this was b4 the beautiful butch btw. anyways . i have a mitski concert tmrw i think?? idek anymore#i used to have a crush on this guy very briefly and then it disappeared and then i realised if he fundementally changed everything abt#himself then maybe id like him but ofc i didnt tell him that but i still think abt it sometimes but anyway thats irrelevant now bc 99% sure#even if he did id still not find him attractive (lesbianism). please recommend good overnight moisturisers btw i have super dry skin#right. the friend of 10 yrs. we had a hard convo abt why she essentially bullied me in year 8 and it made me highly bitter but i also love#her and ik things are diff now its been like . Many Years . and shes going to stay a while I HAVE TWO EXAMS I DONT HAVE TIME but i love her#its fine. i think i might just switch into medicine and do the whole become a neurosurgeon thing (which was my plan B) bc plan A is looking#kinda impossible rn. I WANNA TALK MORE ABT WHAT THE EX SITUATIONSHIP PERSON SAID but i wont bc i dont wanna be too mean but also . MY GOD#i had a conversation w a philosopher friend about whether i have a moral responsibility to try to fix them bc unleashing this on society#feels wrong and he said 'probably but...run' so yeah im not talking to them atm. second date w beautiful butch on monday btw IDK WHAT TO#WEAR. she said she likes fems. im just gonna wear the shortest ralph lauren skirt i have w the cute leg warmers and hope 4 the best#its 1:15 AM im abt to drink coffee and start studying bc what the FUCK man. also almost finished watching the boys its very good#one of my best friends is struggling rn it is breaking my heart i want to take the burden from her i miss her very much
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WALLY WEST JEREMY KNOX AND DICK GRAYSON JEAN MOREAU,
ROY HARPER ANDREW AND JASON TODD ANDREW MINYARD
I WILL DEFEND THIS IF I HAVE TO,
THANK YOU FOR COMING TO MY TED TALK :)
NOOO IM GOING THROUGH MY INBOXES NOW AND THIS WAS WAY DOWN THERE BUT I WANT YOU TO SPEAK YOUR TRUTH BC I NEED A REASON TO LET DC CONSUME ME!!! i only know the wally west x dick grayson dynamic through the young justice show bc i watched the first two seasons with my friend ((which btw broke me and i was so sad i think i only watched s3 and then never even watched s4 😭 need to go rewatch it again actually)
#kevinsdsy’s inbox#anyway if you’re still out there and want to speak your truth PLEASE do#idek roy harper lore#wanna get into dc for jason todd so badly tho bc i keep seeing clips of different shows and films and he just breaks my heart like#if anyone just wants to talk their shit about dc and update me where best to start please do <3333
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ive actually put myself in so many situations and seem to come out doing socially well, youd think at some point i could get it in my head im not irredeemably bad
#that post about dysphoria like ‘u feel like ur covered in slime and people will eventually see the rot’ rly truly hits it#idek if its dysphoria or autism or what at this point#maybe its everything#but shit#ive stayed at hostels and hung out with and chatted w complete strangers#i went back to my hs reunion this week and actually hung out w people i thought didnt fw me anymore#my coworkers generally seem to like me- its felt rare when one didnt which is a shocking percentage#ive maintained friendships with my core group of friends despite living w them for over a year (u know how that can go) and not#being able to participate in like half the activities they do (sex parties i dont wanna attend or im busy at work)#made internet friends. believe it or not there was a time as a teen i thought id never be able to do that!#shit bitch even the guy i like who i constantly worry secretly hates me#and i constantly worry only puts up with me etc#yeah he doesnt always seem to let me in much but he barely lets anyone in?#comparatively he does seem to let me in a lot#i really have to remember to put things in perspective sometimes#just bc im not in my holmes/watson era or facetiming someone all day doesnt mean im a lonely loser……. smh#there was once a time i had no irl friends. I CHANGED THAT. I DID THAT. i can do anything
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hmmmm..... i think I'm gonna be a little more strict on my followers/following rules mayhaps. just a little. I did update them by the way... just a bit.
#( ooc )#( tbd )#i don't wanna be a negative nelly or a complainer or anything but if you're following me please do try to interact. no sense in following a#all in that case if you have no intention of doing so / aren't actually interested (?) yk yk#I always come back to tumblr then I always dip because the community is just SO quiet and keeps to themselves and it can be so isolating#and I feel as though many (if not most) people do experience that as well and its ! such a shame honestly#not to be like 'baCK IN MY DAY' but dang bro back in my day we just capslocked and yelled and keysmashed to our hearts content if we were#mutuals on like anything and everything#fuck it lets bring back giant gifs while we're at it why are yall so shy !!#if I'm following you and you're following me!! I wanna interact with you!! I wanna write and chat and talk characters and world build with#you!! I know I'm not exactly the best example of Activity(tm) in the rpc but WOOF baby what the fucky wucky is goin on here#all that being said if im following you I absolutely will comment and like and interact with your shit and I'm both so not sorry and sorry#if thats ?? excessive ? god idek anymore bro how does one tumblr correctly
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I have neither the will or patience to draw a comic at the moment so writing it is (*^▽^*)
#like...I have it all layed out about how I want it to go#I even drew some *very* rough art to go with it#idek if imma finish this damn thing and not just scrap it all together#at most ill prolly just post it here on tumblr and be done with it#but for now pls have this#anyone wanna be my beta reader w/e I do finish it lmao#ALSO I HAVEN'T WRITTEN ANYTHING SINCE THE LAST TIME I DID IN 2021 SO THIS SHIT FINNA BE ROUGH 😭
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ugghhh wintertime sucks!! I'm sad and tired and sad all the time.. I need a nap.. and f/o cuddles.. and another nap..
#ash rambles 💚#negative#part of it is definitely the weather#it's so dark and dreary and i never wanna leave my bed#but also just. my mood akdjajs I'm kinda down in the dumps today#im recovering from being sick which always fucks me up#and i just cant shake this feeling of anxiety..? and i feel kinda a lot like my f/os wouldnt like me or would fall out of love or never see#me as more than a friend and other stuff like that#i.. actually got broken up with yesterday irl!#it wasnt messy. he said that this isnt what he wanted and it was fine and we're back to being pals. i wasnt sad at all in the moment and#i dont think i am now..? it's weird. we were laughing like always literal minutes after having the chat. when we got together we said that#if things domt work out we wanna keep being friends. and we're doing just that. honestly i saw it coming and idek if i LOVE him anymore#what even does love feel like..? regardless I'm not upset or sad at my breakup since i saw it coming and I'm honestly happy he just. Talked#to me about it. we communicated and then three minutes later went back to talking about x.enoblade LMAAOO it was fun!#but it is ridiculous for me to expect to feel NOTHING at no longer being in a relationship. i cant just feel nothing. i dont feel sad per s#just... in my thoughts i guess? I don't think the feeling of my f/os not liking me stems from me being dumped though. i think thats just me#being me sjdjaksj I'm very insecure a lot of the time. i dont think being dumped helpd very much though LMAAAOO#I'm doing okay i promise. and I'll be alright. theres just both a lot and nothing going on at the same time and i feel... idk what i feel.#i hope my f/os love me 😭 i hope that a lot#and honestly i know this community is ass and I'm more than happy in my own corner with my couple of followers but. ngl I've really felt as#though I'm not valued here and all that junk as of late. yeah just.. i think everything is happening at the same time and I'm tired and#i feel like I'm a confused kiddo who doesnt know anything anymore BAHAHAHA#holy shit it just sounds like i need a shower and a nap huh- I'll be alright I'm just. dealing with stuff akdjsks but i also hate to always#bring the mood down like this! i always try my best to be haha silly and all that shit. I'm just gonna try to daydream about f/o cuddles#(and try to convince myself they dont hate me ofc)#oh and. i know i mentioned this but. i hate the weather. so much. I'm sad all the time. November is actually my least favorite month too 😭#I've gotta study a lot today and I'll try to sneak in some k.urohyou and hopefully start watching monster too but yeah i apolgize if#I'm acting off these days ajdjajs I'm very stuck in my own mind these days. not exactly the most fun place to be 😭#delete later#i mean akdjajs i literally started crying the other day because my friend said that my husband (k.yohei) loves me ajdkahdb come on ash..
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YALL A GIRL BOUGHT ME A DRINK YESTERDAY AND I GOT HER NUMBER!!!!
#oni talks#thoughts#idek what else to tag this as but like#raaahhhhbim so excited and happy!!! we swapped Spotifies too and she even asked my sign#also we’re getting together again this Friday! also I’m technically supposed to find other stuff for us to do but im indecisive/unsure what#All she’d like yet?? also I wore like 6inch heels and barely came up to her height#she was so nice and cool!!! and we’re in the same/similar situation!!#also she actually takes some level of initiative which like idk if yall have noticed but that’s lowkey RARE AS FUCK#my one regret that night (aside from the man that broke my purse) is that I forgot what artist she asked me about#it’s funny I was originally gonna leave early but then she appeared!!!#I don’t wanna be TOO hopeful bc it’s early but like!!! I have so many activity ideas!!#also this is really hammering in that I desperately need to clean and organize my place omfg#coz how tf am I gonna invite her over for shit if it’s like this aahhh#also I hope she likes the music I sent/is on my account aahh#she texted me as soon as she left that she wanted to hug me and I just AAAAHHHHHH
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are there rlly people that can like.. make a plan to do their work and then… actually do their work??
bc i would literally give anything (firstborn, kidney, soul, etc etc) to experience that just once ;-;
#like shit if i could actually just do work when i wanted to i’d be so powerful#got the drive just not the execution#i wanna do stuff (ie write a paper or do a project) SO BAD#like it’s not even that i don’t want to or am consciously putting it off#i just literally can’t start until i get a random spark of extra motivation here and there#yes yes i have adhd#i take meds but it’s prob a bit below what i need#it’s just that anything higher starts to make me jittery and worsens other problems#so then here i am at 3 in the morning trying to keep myself up for if i happen to gather up enough motivation#i’m so sleep deprived idek what i’m saying anymore#whole ass rant in the tags#adhd#procrastination#i’m tired#relateable#? maybe#less and less coherent by the second#i also didn’t sleep last night either#neurodivergent
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lowkey. Not over my ex at all
#It’s been months man#And yet I still feel the ever lasting effects#Am k cruel? Manipulative? I don’t think I am but he said I was and I so badly want to believe it#Cuz maybe I’ll actually fix what’s wrong with me and people will actually love me#also s very love sick in the sense that I need someone to be in love with me#But going t4t hasn’t worked out that well for me (cough cough my ex..)#N I don’t wanna fuck up coming out to any cis guys#Which idek if I truly like them or if I’m just so desperate I’ll fall in love with anyone as long as they treat me right#I think one of th things keeping me from getting over him is the fact that he was so affectionate??? And I had gotten so used to that#Constant feeling cuz I never really had it before and now that I don’t have it anymore I don’t know what to do with myself#Not to mention I’m too scared to do all that again because he always wanted more despite my protests#I fucking hate this. How can I be touch starved and repulsed at the same time#I can’t do this shit anymore man. Fuck.#Vent#There r certain people o wish could see this but none of them use tumblr fuck fuck fuck#Me when one had mild crushes on cis guys )okay maybe just one that I don’t even think saw me as a real friend in the one semester k had wit#Him…) but we’re so different and I think he hates me and he’s friends with my friends and ijhhhhwj#I hate hate hate love#Hate being in love. Hate that I can’t be in love. Hate that nobody loves me#I actually cannot take this shit anymore it’s one of the only things that truly ever gets to me anymore
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Writing an essay in swedish when the course literature is in english has me really fucked up like idk if I should use the swedish spellings/variants of names of people/gods/places/concepts etc or if I should use the form of the words that's in the books I'm referencing. Cause it feels weird to write the form of the words used in english in a swedish text but it also feels weird to use different terms than the ones in my source?
#like if the book mentions aesir can I really call them asar without explaining that it's the swedish form of aesir and citing a source?#because to me names like that don't feel as straightforward as just translating any other sentence?#like it's more complex#I know I should just ask the teacher but I don't wanna.#so far I've stuck to names used in the source but it feels weird when I know what the swedish forms are#I just don't know if that would be considered common knowledge or if I'd need a source#since I wouldn't actually be using the terminology from the text I'm citing#idek if the teacher would give a shit either way. I'm probably overthinking it#but like. surely the teacher can't say I did something wrong if I use the version of a gods name written in the course literature?#I mean it's not really 'correct' in swedish but it can't be wrong either right?#it feels safer to do that maybe?#or should I mention in the text that I'm using the version of names used in the sources instead of the swedish forms?#or is that just unnecessary?#😭
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GAAHAHHHHH
#venting in the tags#maybe its just past darkness and the Bad Thoughts which i shouldnt listen to are clouding my brain too much#but i feel so fucking weird and inadequate over everything rn#im unable to work on drawings as i usually would have and its kinda plaguing everything which it should like yeah i love drawing but#i cant let just one aspect of me ruin everything. right? the fact that i havent been able to draw as well as i usually can should make me#feel sick to the stomach and unsure about everything i do but it happening and i hate it.#plus i got the ipad id saved up from the comms to buy and its fun and nice and all and maybe i just need more practice with it but i feel#like im not able to draw on it even more? and i spent the whole day trying to get used to it but its just not as good?? and then when i went#back to the no screen wacom i couldnt get a hang of it becuase idek its just not happening#and also the fucking art block wants me dead i swear i want to draw so bad and i have so many ideas but the moment i start anything its just#crumbles down into nothingness and i hate everything i do and gods fuck i want to cry but i can because there are people at home and#usually im a big 'crybaby' when im at home but i dont fucjing wanna be like that anymore like i can handly my shit myself im fine.#i dont need to just fuckinf cry abiut it becuase thats not gonna fox anything but also i feel like crying might just make me feel better#but then id have to hear shit from my family and i know theyre just teasing in a /pos way but i dont wanna fucking deal with that#plus my brother iust talking to him os annoying sometimes like he talks about things so condescendingly and fucking hel dude shut#the fuck up i dont need you telling me that my art is something people can 'just do' and the fact that i was able to get the ipad#'basically for free since i got that money from the little drawings i make' as if they dont fucking mean anything to you like#shut the fucking fuck up dude i worked hard on those and even though i dont like my own shit sometimes i still fucking work hard on those#fuck you you bitch#i think a lot of things are just piling up and i need to sleep#tomorrow will be a new dawn and a fresh start and maybe ill hate myself less#ps. note to anyone reading the tags#im fine i just needed to yell out and express my frustration a bit. some sleep will help surely.
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i may or may not be questioning a whole new ahh religion like how are poeple this dumb but like not dumb because human survival instincts i just dont feel human as a whole but like not in a nonhuman way i just cant explain the major crowd herding happening right now and nobody noticing exept me
idk man its hard for me to put it into words
anyways have a lil speculative dude meant for changing gravity lolol
#goofy goof#doodle#i know this is just my insane declining mental health but#it just feels so real to me#and makes so much sense#i dont want to say too much#i cant even say too much because of the lack of english human words#im just 14 man why do i know this#im supposed to like lisa frank and gossip in highschool and shit#not lay in bed for hours at a time left alone with the horrors my mind comes up with#i like speculative evolution guy#hes cool#idek how i made him#i just thought#like#different things#i wanna go back in time#earth is so small#life is so small to me#i want bigger#but i know i will never get that#no human will ever get the exitement of discovering a new animal#because we have discovered it all already#our space rock is too small for me#i want to go out and see things the human mind and eyes cant even comprehend#im so tired of animal parts#i need more#so much more#never ending more
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i wanna talk to my friends, but when i'm in the situation of actually getting the opportunity to talk to them, i kinda just ... fucking dissociate from them and the conversation, slip back into my own little world and lament on how lonely i am
i appreciate them, i really do, but for some reason i spectate more than i engage in the convo
#💢 kairi rants#(kinda)#like i love making friends#but i'm so shit at conversations#i kinda feel like i have to fake it sometimes or force myself to be social#and i always get mad at myself for it#i wanna change but yk#a habit is very hard to kill#that's not the saying but yk#i love all my friends#i just dunno if they love me or remember i exist#and even if they do#idek if i make a significant contribution to our friend group#i am kind of a bad person huh
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