#ideally more than that. but even helping one person makes the post worth it so

[demifiendcruithne]

just a heads up to all my uk fibromyalgia people

given that fibro got that study about autoimmune roots, that Should (in theory) make us eligible for free flu jabs under the nhs site's guidelines without having to jump through hoops talking to doctors about it, under the long-term health condition: weakened immunity reason

i know i haven't been 100% certain i could get it free previously even asking a pharmacist who had them available (and i got a minor learning disability on top of the fibro even), but hopefully with this we might be able to get somewhere?

i definitely will see for myself if i can get it with that justification, i just got to. uh. recover from maybe-a-cold-maybe-the-flu first, ironically enough. (side note, anyone got any idea how we're meant to tell the difference? 'flu makes you feel exhausted and unable to carry on as normal' like bruh i'm always exhausted. if an ablebodied person dealt with what we do on a regular basis THEY would be unable to carry on as normal that isn't a good benchline. all i know is it's not covid because i'm actually able to write comprehensibly unlike Last Time

)

[toothtalk]

a neurodivergent spoonie's guide to having teeth

LEGAL DISCLAIMER: This blog is for educational and informational purposes only. This does not constitute providing medical advice or professional services. Information on this blog should NOT be used for diagnostics or treating a health problem. Always seek the advice of your doctor or other qualified dental health provider regarding diagnosis and treatment of a dental condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this blog.

this is as close to a comprehensive guide to dental care as i can make. i'm autistic/adhd/ocd/chronically ill and i've worked in dentistry for several years. i want to use my knowledge to help other spoonies struggling with dental care. i know it can be really hard, but dental health is so important and we deserve healthy mouths just as much as NT/abled folks!!

being neurodivergent and/or chronically ill can make personal care tasks incredibly difficult. so many of us struggle with washing our hair, getting dressed, and cleaning up. but remember: hair will grow back if it's damaged, clothes can be washed when they smell bad, and a dirty house can be made clean again, but we only have one set of teeth to last our whole lives. those pearly whites are worth taking care of!

these tips are based on feedback/questions i've gotten from ND folks on tumblr and facebook, patients at the practices i've worked in, and my own experience. standard disclaimer that this information will not be applicable to every single person, just take what works for you and pass the rest on to the next person. i am also a resource for further information. this is going to be pretty rapidfire, so if you want me to elaborate on anything or have a question about something i didn't address in this post, my askbox is open and anon is enabled. i love talking about teeth and i would love to help my fellow spoonies take care of theirs!

without further ado:

on homecare:

any dental professional will tell you that having good oral health starts at home. taking care of our teeth can be incredibly difficult when our spoons are low, so i've made a list of strategies to make it easier.

best practice is to brush twice per day and floss once per day. this may not be realistic for those of us who struggle with habits and/or executive dysfunction. if you can only remember to brush once per day, brushing at night is the most important.

the ideal order of operations is floss, tongue scrape, mouthwash, then brush. but flossing and brushing are the most important steps in the routine.

brushing your teeth in the shower is perfectly acceptable! personally, i keep one toothbrush in the shower and one on the sink to maximize my opportunities to brush.

if you don't have the energy to floss, a toothbrush with fine bristles like this one is a good compromise.

you should replace your toothbrush or electric brush head every three months. the bristles get worn down and become less effective over time. set a recurring event on your phone calendar to keep track!

if you find it difficult to brush your teeth at all, use a washcloth to gently scrub your teeth until you feel that you've gotten the film off, then use a fluoride mouthwash. they also make single-use waterless toothbrushes like these. i like to keep them on my nightstand for really bad days when i can't even get myself to the bathroom to brush.

this is an excellent guide on proper brushing technique.

an electric toothbrush is an excellent investment. even a cheap one at the grocery store is a huge step above a manual toothbrush. personally, i love quip because they're more affordable than brands like sonicare, and they send you replacement brush heads on a regular basis.

be careful not to brush too aggressively; your brush should glide gently over the surface of your teeth. if you feel a lot of friction, lighten your pressure. brushing too hard can wear away your enamel and damage your gums.

if the mint flavor in toothpaste triggers sensory discomfort, try kids' toothpaste! it has less fluoride than adult toothpaste, but it's still miles better than not brushing at all.

mouthwash is used to neutralize bacteria on soft tissues. use an antibacterial or fluoride mouthwash for healthy gums and strong enamel. listerine original is the best, but they have lots of varieties including gum health, alcohol-free, and many more.

whenever possible, use a straw to drink soda or coffee so it doesn't touch your teeth, and rinse with water after you drink it. try to not sip sugary drinks throughout the day. switching to sugar-free beverages will make a huge difference in cavity prevention.

if you have any gaps between teeth, an interdental brush will help you keep the areas between those teeth clean and prevent decay.

i like to keep a package of floss picks in the living room so that i can floss while i watch tv. the best time to floss is right before you brush your teeth, but there is no bad time to floss.

this video shows proper flossing technique. this video shows proper technique when using floss picks.

dry mouth is a lesser-known cause of cavities. saliva protects your teeth from decay, so when you don't produce enough of it, you're at higher risk. dry mouth rinses like this one are a great defense against this!

remember, something is always better than nothing. brushing once a day is better than not brushing at all. flossing once a week is better than not flossing at all. be gentle with yourself.

on finding a dental provider:

finding a new provider and making an appointment can be confusing and overwhelming when we have low executive function. there are some ways to make it just a bit easier.

if you have insurance, they likely have a tool on their website to find providers in your network. you can usually find this information on your insurance card. this should narrow down your options considerably.

the absolute best thing you can do is find a supportive provider who you can open up to about your struggles with dental care. look up your options on google reviews and ctrl+f "anxiety". if these anxious patients have a good experience, it's more likely you will too.

you can ask for recommendations in your local community's facebook group or subreddit, both of which offer anonymity. specify your needs in your post. chances are, other people in your community have similar needs, and can help you find the right people to meet those needs.

a few people expressed that they avoid the dentist because of a family history of poor dental health, and the fear of having the same problems. i want to assure you that, while dental health does have a genetic component, it is far from the only factor. the most effective thing you can do to prevent dental issues is to go in for regular maintenance. prevention is the gold standard in dentistry.

a lot of us struggle with making phone calls. luckily, it's becoming increasingly common for practices to allow online booking and communication via email. look for these options on a practice's website!

if fear or executive dysfunction is getting in your way, phone a friend for help. sometimes things that are hard for us aren't as difficult for others. maybe your roommate can call the office for you. maybe your sister can drive you to your appointment. don't be afraid to lean on your village.

in the dental office:

a big issue with dental offices is that they are basically a sensory nightmare. while it's never going to be fully comfortable, there are some things you can do to make your experience more tolerable.

be open and honest with your dental providers. if you smoke, tell them (this includes cannabis; they cannot report you for cannabis use even if you're not in a legal state). if you've never flossed before, tell them. their job is to help you, not shame you. if a provider makes you feel ashamed, stop seeing them.

so many people have mentioned they're embarrassed about their anxiety and sensory struggles in the dental office. let me assure you that your providers see so many anxious patients every single day. they're used to it, and they're not going to be judging you. to help illustrate this, i'm going to cite some examples of patients from my practice and the ways we help them manage their anxiety and sensory struggles.

probably the most common concern among patients in our practice is a fear of the numbing injection. i have a pretty severe phobia of needles myself. our dental assistants are well-trained to manage this fear. they distract patients during the shot, and help them breathe through the anxiety before and after. this training is part of the dental assistant certification process, so it should be relatively universal.

you can bring a comfort item with you. be it a stuffed animal, a video game, a book, even a comforting person who can sit with you.

you know that lead vest that they lay on you when they take xrays? you can ask to wear that during your whole visit. it acts like a weighted blanket and it feels so nice and comforting. we have a few patients who do this at my practice.

headphones or earplugs are a lifesaver to drown out all the horrible sounds. i literally refuse to get a cleaning without them. there's even a hygienist at my practice that wears earplugs while she's working because the sound of the cavitron bothers her. there's no shame in it whatsoever.

if your practice offers it, nitrous oxide is a great option for anxiety. most people know it as laughing gas. it puts you in a dreamlike state so you're more or less unaware of what's going on. no joke, this stuff had me so relaxed i fully fell asleep while getting a root canal. you can even get it when you get your cleanings!

a lot of our patients request a specific doctor, dental assistant, and hygienist for their appointments. this is incredibly common. if you find someone that makes you feel safe, let the scheduling staff know that you'd like to see that person each time you come in.

dress comfy. there's no dress code for the dental office; show up in sweatpants if you want.

remember at the end of the day, your dental providers are not there to judge you if you don't have perfect homecare. their ultimate goal is to get your mouth healthy no matter your starting place. i can't speak for every dentist obviously, but the dentists at my practice are incredibly patient and sympathetic and have nothing but their patients' best interests in mind.

again: if you feel disrespected or shamed by your provider, find a new one who will be compassionate with you. you don't owe any provider loyalty, even if you've been going there since you were a toddler.

on recovery:

one of the hardest things to do is build healthy habits when you're starting from an unhealthy place. if you're dealing with poor dental health, getting your mouth healthy again can seem impossibly daunting. i'm here to tell you it is possible, but it takes work.

it starts in the dental chair. your provider should communicate what treatment is the highest priority, and they will start there. rather than overwhelming yourself with the big picture, focus your attention on the next step.

things like root canals, crowns, and periodontal treatment can be very expensive. unfortunately, in the united states at least, dental insurance is quite lacking across the board. if expenses are a concern, dental schools are a great option for having treatment done at a low cost. keep in mind that treatment will often take significantly longer due to the dentists being supervised students.

my job in the practice is treatment coordinator. this means that i work one-on-one with my patients to help them understand their treatment plans and make the process as easy and comfortable as possible for them. ask your practice if they have a treatment coordinator. if they don't, suggest that they create the role, and reach out to me here. my dream is to be able to help people manage their oral health. i will be a resource to anyone that doesn't have a treatment coordinator available to help you navigate your course of treatment.

any restorative work (fillings, crowns, etc.) that you have done has to be cared for, just like virgin teeth. cavities can still form underneath fillings and crowns. make sure you are keeping your regular hygiene appointments, and use the above strategies to effectively care for your restorations at home.

if you have a lot of treatment to work through, it may take a long time. we have patients that have spent 2-3 years working through their treatment plans with us. this can feel daunting and depressing. but remember, it's not forever. the majority of these patients who continue to see us for regular visits only have 1-2 new cavities at a time, if anything, once we finish their initial work.

there are very few dental problems that cannot be fixed. cavities can be filled, crowns placed, root canals done to save teeth that are severely decayed. gum disease cannot be cured, but it can be very effectively managed. i see patients all the time that come in expecting to lose all their teeth and need dentures, only to be relieved when we tell them only a few teeth are truly not restorable.

my job revolves around patient education, and it's always shocking to me how little we are taught about caring for our teeth. please be kind to yourselves; it is NOT your fault for not knowing or having the resources to take care of them yourself. once again, my askbox is open and anon is enabled if you have more questions after reading this guide.

[slowcatsisland]

Trafalgar D. Water Law; Ideal Type Deep Dive

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

The first thing that comes to my mind is that audio - “ I need to find my darling husband!” “What do you see in that guy?” “He makes me laugh.”

Law absolutely needs to be with someone who can make him laugh.

Throughout the post time skip arcs, it has been shown that Law -

Has a fear surrounding accepting and giving love

Believes that there must be a reason for earning love/giving love to someone

Law’s character had the most development in Dressrosa and Wano that could propel him towards healing with the defeat of Doflamingo, the revenge of Corazon’s death, and the closure statement that Sengoku says to him: “Don’t try to find a reason for someone’s love.”

Law has to heal first, or have a partner that will help him heal. To me, Law wouldn’t even think of committing to a relationship until the end of Dressrosa/Wano.

Law surrounds himself with goofy people, so it makes sense for him to fall for a goofy person.

This person would probably be on his crew as his trust issues wouldn’t allow for him falling for someone that has other loyalties that could easily be prioritized over him and end up betraying him.

Law is strict about subordinate dynamics, which is why you being on his crew may also hinder him from wanting to pursue something with you because he’s supposed to be your boss essentially.

Law would want someone that is smart, textbook smart like he is, but I also see this not being important if he truly runs into the ‘one’ that brings him the most peace.

I mean by that if you can’t hold and add to a conversation about idk the anatomy of the human body and the effects of a certain ailment, you’re not totally disqualified from his radar.

Someone who could hold emotional conversations with him is good. Even if he probably wouldn’t want the conversation. He’s kinda icky with feelings. Someone that could tell him how he feels, how they feel, and how that changes the context of whatever situation they are in. He needs someone like that.

I used to be opposed to the thought, but I believe Law needs someone truly soft. That means you could still fight if needed, but would rather not yk. It’s okay if you’re not out here swinging a machete trying to bloody the streets with your foes. That aspect of humanity that you have is something Law needs more prevalently in his life.

I remember reading an analysis of Law’s type and the creator said something similar to “Law needs someone who wouldn’t pull the trigger, just like Corazon didn’t.” I don’t know how much I agree with it but I think it’s worth mentioning.

Someone patient, but stubborn. Someone who is willing to wait for him to be ready to accept his feelings and won’t leave him when he makes a mistake (trust me he will make many mistakes in a relationship). Someone who also won’t be an idle figure in situations, you have an opinion and will voice it even if it doesn’t agree with Law’s perspective. You think the crew should help him on something rather than wait on the submarine and him go off alone? Tell him and make him listen, even if he shuts you down.

Law needs someone positive that can look at things with a glass half full mindset. Someone who looks at the rain and thinks about how the plants are getting water, someone who watches the snow fall but are commenting about how Penguin and Sachi are making snow angles and Bepo is really comfortable in the temperature. You even out his pessimism and bring light.

You’d have to get along with the other crew mates, especially Bepo too. Bepo is so important to Law, and if Bepo didn’t like you it already taints Law’s image of you.

After reading some of the Law Novel, preferably someone with a goal in life. It doesn’t have to be a huge driving factor that you live day by day by. It could be something small that fluctuates daily or weekly or wtv. Someone that can strive towards a goal they set for themselves and gets a glint of determination in their eye. But it’s also okay if you’re not like this because this won’t deter him fully if you aren’t a driven person.

You were always kind to him. Even before he invited you onto his crew, he identified your nature and could make a note about how you’re different from the majority of people he’s met.

Preferably, you’d be goofy, but not too loud. I feel like Law gets uncomfortable around those that are crazy extroverted- kinda like Luffy. Sometimes it reminds him too much of the Donquixote Pirates with all their flamboyance. That doesn’t mean if you have this quality you’d be off the list, he would just need it in smaller chunks or around the crew to be acclimated to it.

Grr, someone that ends up reminding him of Rosinante. Someone that Law knows is just a good person, regardless of their past.

If he asked you “why do you love me?” And you couldn’t give him an answer, you’re perfect.

He needs someone to be his safe space. Someone that could sit in his office while he works, content in the shared silence. Someone that he could ramble about his coin collection to without the worry of being judged. Someone that he could let touch his chest and have them run their fingers through his hair without worry that he’ll be harmed. Someone that will soothe him after he has a nightmare or read out loud to him until he falls asleep.

Someone that cares for him- this loops back to the stubbornness. Someone that tries to make him go to sleep, to make him eat, to make him take breaks from working. To make him live happily, something that he’s starved himself of truly ever since he was 10. He prolly won’t act like it, but you showing you care for him makes his heart bleed suffocatingly.

Someone that can show him how to love again and what it feels like to love again omg. The destruction of Flevance and the manipulation of the Donquixote Pirates so cruelly changed his perception of love.

Law wouldn’t want you to be a big shot in canon. If your bounty was rather substantial compared to his crew and him, or you had a crazy ability- it would make him worry awfully. He’d probably try to keep you out of harms way even more than he does with the rest of his crew.

Someone he can tell everything to and trust that they’ll keep it a secret.

Someone that likes the cold, likes the ocean. Living on a submarine as a pirate kinda requires this lol.

Omg imagine you’re from the North Blue too. He picks you up around the same time he does Penguin, Sachi, and Bepo. You’re one of the original members. The connection I feel like he would have with you would make him more willing to fall for you…

I feel like Law would like someone with longer hair. If he could watch them brush it, curl it around his finger, watch them create a hairstyle for the day. Small acts of domesticity in life.

Someone with large, doe eyes. He can see so much emotion through them, they hold so much weight. It reminds him of Bepo. (lol)

Someone aware of their own emotions and are in tune with their wants and needs.

I feel like he would fluster really easily if you had a gummy smile. Yk those big, pure smiles where the gums showed. When your eyes crinkly and your teeth are bared so naturally and without malice. It’s so beautiful to see.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

He’s so broken

Mwah 😽

[taffywabbit]

"why not just make your own website?"

with the announcement of cohost's death and amidst all the other tumultuous shit currently going on with social media as a concept (i am AMAZED twitter has survived this long given the circumstances), one suggestion that i've been hearing a lot is "we should just go back to the good old days of personal websites. let's all just make neocities pages!!"

(this is gonna be a long one sorry)

and like. idk! it's certainly something i've considered, i think it would be a fun thing to have, but it also feels like the equivalent of "capitalism sucks so let's all just run off into the woods and live in a cabin outside of society" to me. like it would be nice, it would be fun, but it doesn't ultimately solve the actual problems that are present with the modern internet, it just evades them. more importantly in my case and many others, it does not really help people who rely on the modern internet and the connections they're able to make there for their income. sure i can make a website and host my art and blog posts there, but who's going to see it? i can't build a consistent audience and make a living off of random passersby who peek at my website once, say "huh, neat!" and MAYBE add it to an RSS feed or whatever if they really like it. there's minimal potential for meeting and impressing new people outside my existing circles if i don't ALSO still have some manner of social media platform to promote the website on.

a lot of the "solutions" i see people proposing for the slow, painful decline of social media as a user experience keep coming back to old-fashioned, more isolated/insular systems. we miss forums, we miss personal webpages, we miss newsletters, etc etc. but like... those things were ideal in the "old web" because the old web was more about sharing hobbies and interests with whoever happened to pass by and check them out, and even just USING the internet was a niche hobby in and of itself for a lot of people. if you wanna be kinda cynical about it (and not unjustifiably so), web 2.0 is much more blatantly business-oriented, and its algorithms and carefully crafted UX's are primarily meant to funnel you towards viewing ads and spending money on products. looking at it that way, it sure does suck and Everything Was Better Before! but the modern web is ALSO more powerful than anything before it for just like. connecting people. spreading information and news. showing your art/music/writing/thoughts/etc to strangers who never knew you existed an hour ago. putting the tools to reach out to someone and tell them you think they're cool right there on the same website where their art is hosted, just a comment or a message away.

if you're able to avoid patterns of engagement-bait and obsessing over follower counts as a measure of self-worth (a big "if", i realize, but i view it like installing an adblocker - it's just kind of a basic prerequisite for modern internet safety and survival), a lot of these systems can genuinely be really positive and life-changing in ways that were simply not possible 20 years ago! almost all of my current closest friends are people I met through sharing our art on platforms like Twitter who were complete strangers at the time. all of the art clients that regularly pay my bills and support my work came from places like that too! the "social" part of "social media" is really what makes it ultimately worth keeping around in any form, and makes the pursuit of a Good social media platform still valuable.

there's a lot to love about the old web - its aesthetics, simplicity and freedom for personal expression - but every time someone says "just delete your socials and make a personal website" i am forced to confront the fact that i could never do what i currently do or be the person i am on the old web. if i was stuck hanging out in my own little space and only ever interacting with people who openly and loudly share my interests, i couldn't support myself with art full-time, i probably would never have met the kind and quiet strangers who are now my best friends and have made me who i am, and i'd just generally get a lot less insight into the vast range of experiences and perspectives that exist outside of my own. my life would be on a fundamentally different trajectory in countless ways without the advent of web 2.0.

and that's not to say "well twitter and facebook and tumblr all suck but you kinda still have to hand it to them" cuz you don't, obviously. they're corporations, and their job is to take the personalities and thoughts and art of the people who use their products and try to scrunch it all into something uninform and marketable that generates profit and pleases their shareholders. but like, you CAN still make a good thing out of them! these websites are tools just as much as geocities or myspace or IRC used to be. and the one thing these newer tools are pretty much all REALLY good at is discoverability. if you're just a hobbyist at the things you wanna share on the internet, then you likely don't have a lot of use for those tools, and perhaps you WOULD genuinely be happier just keeping a personal blog site or hanging out in private groupchats or sticking to specialized federated Mastodon instances or whatever. it just isn't feasible for me, and there are a LOT of people in my same situation. my entire industry of online freelance artists barely existed 20 years ago, and the web culture of that era is largely incompatible with my continued survival in the mid-2020s. i would LOVE to run off and live in the woods in concept, but all my survival skills are adapted for city living and i would just eat the wrong berry and die out there. i want- i NEED people to try and improve the spaces we're in, and support better forms of social media (like what cohost was trying and largely succeeding to do!) instead of just complaining that it all sucks, everything was better when we were kids, and digging ourselves little holes to hide in. much like all the other problems and frustrations and systemic issues of the world we live in, the modern web isn't going to go away if you just ignore it, so we may as well try to make it better for everyone.

anyways tl;dr i probably WILL make a neocities at some point. it could be fun, even if it doesn't help my career stability or whatever. but i do also need ALL THE SOCIAL PLATFORMS I USE FOR MY JOB TO STOP EXPLODING PRETTY PLEASE, and failing that, some actual half-decent alternatives that aren't going to fizzle out in a month would also be great thanks ✌

[astrobiscuits]

Astro observations part 8

[LONG EDITION] - taken from my phone's notes (also, i was too lazy to edit it so here's a nice chunk of info)

🍂 Sun conjunct Saturn individuals inherit mindsets from the father, grandparents or great-grandparents. They might never fully act like their Sun sign (aka "shine"), since they've been conditioned from a young age to listen to parents, teachers, and later on bosses. They are the type to never divorce, no matter how toxic their marriage is. If these peeps deal well with their Saturn Return, they might become "THE BOSS" (aka the person everyone looks up to due to how accomplished, disciplined and rich they are, they've literally got their shit together and deserve a round of applause, "it wasn't easy to get to the top, but it was worth it" - you might hear them say this). They are also more prone to ingrain stoic principles in their lifestyle

🍂 Mars square Neptune gives off major cult leader vibes. They're the type to fool you with false promises until you sign up for their "camp" but then you realize it's actually an evil cult where all they wanna do is put you to work (and maybe later even kill you lol). These individuals become very scary when angry (you don't wanna see them angry, trust me). If they ever commit suicide, it'll be by drowning, alcohol or drugs

🍂 Mars trine Neptune is one of the best aspects for those who make a living off their talents. The talent depends on the element the trine is in:

If it's in Earth signs - ideal for those who work in the "money handling sector" in advertising, becoming an entrepeneur, holistic care (if Virgo is involved), cooks, those who work in interior design, seamstresses, embroidery/lace makers, models, event planners If it's in Air signs - ideal for those who work in sales (their negotiation skills are ✨chef's kiss👌🏻✨), becoming a spiritual/religious teacher or an art/music/any other creative pursuit teacher (lmao, i can't even speak💀💀), writers, musicians, magicians and astrologers (for the last two - if Aquarius is involved) If it's in Fire signs - ideal for dancers, theater/movie actors, hairstylists, circus performers, photographers (only if Leo is involved) If it's in Water signs - ideal for make-up artists, painters, tarot readers

🍂 Moon sextile Uranus individuals have got the ability to create a positive parasocial relationship with their followers. Since these people often use their devices to validate their emotions, i wouldn't be surprised if most of y'all also have atleast one active profile where you post quite frequently

PRO TIP: Whenever Transit Jupiter is trining/conjuncting your Natal Uranus (to a less extent also the sextile), you'll get a sudden boost in your followers count

🍂 This is a theory of mine that i've come up with and i'd love to hear your thoughts on it. When it comes to intergenerational astrology, i do believe that we inherit all of our personal planets placements from our parents and ancestors. But then you might say "But i don't act like my mother at all! This is bullshit!". I'm not saying we're all carbon copies of our family members. What makes us unique and distinguishes us from our parents and grandparents (or even great-grandparents) are the way the planets aspect each other in our birth charts and the planetary configurations between them. Basically we start from the same ground, but we all use our traits differently, whether for the better or the worst expression of them. Let's not forget that we also tend to go through different life experiences than our parents and grandparents; we might be blessed with different opportunities that might enhance our best traits and help us achieve what our ancestors always wanted to but weren't able to

Hope you enjoyed today's post, loves!💗💗💗 I've been wanting to post for a while now but my inspiration has been wandering alone in the Sahara Desert I can't promise that i'll start posting again more frequently (the new uni year is starting soon for me + i enrolled in a local astrology school 2 weeks ago🥳🥳 ya girl can't wait to officially become an astrologer) but my inbox will be open again for further questions! I must also thank you for helping me hit 500 followers!!! I'm probably gonna do another ask game once i hit 600 followers, as i'm too busy right now. As always, don't forget to drink water and take care of yourselves! Hope to see you soon! ˚₊‧꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

[starry-bi-sky]

For the Danyal Al Ghul AU: How would Danyal react to other canon events like when Sam wishes she never met Danny, Tucker wishes for powers, the christmas episode, or other DP canon events?

(Also, I assume Danyal's cover is blown by the reality Gaunlet event.)

Ohooho I love this question. So im only gonna respond to the episodes you mentioned, since it's been a while since i actually watched the show and I don't remember all the episodes. And also since I don't remember them fully, I'm gonna get details wrong. I am fine with that, it still gets the gist down lol. I've got the tvtropes recap page pulled up, so i'll be using that to try and hit the major points it mentions.

So, Memory Blank! Man I've thought about that one, and its the one I'm frankly most excited to answer because it gets to show just how much of a positive impact being friends with Sam and Tucker had on Danyal. So where to start? Their fight goes differently than in canon, but I'm going to start from after Sam makes her wish.

Firstly; she and Tucker are friends, but the two of them are not friends with Danny. He's on his own. In this au, the three of them became friends when they were 11 and Danny's been in Amity Park for about a year.

They met in the beginning with Sam trying to befriend him at first because she realized that they shared similar ideals on environmentalism, but he rebuffed her pretty harshly due to a combination of grief over leaving his home, trying to process the fact that he can never return and will never see his brother again or meet his father, and just plain League arrogance lmao. He really hated being in Amity Park just in general because it wasn't his home and it was the city too.

So he was really rather unapproachable in the beginning. People kept a pretty wide berth of him due to Fenton association and his own vibes.

But Danny's still a kid, and they want socialization with their peers. At 11 he didn't have any friends, and was frankly quite lonely. He decided to approach Sam and Tucker after deeming them "acceptable allies", although Sam wasn't really interested at first up until he did the equivalent of apologizing. Tucker warmed up first afterwards, but Sam really wasn't too far behind.

So thats how they became friends, post-wish though? Lets say that Sam didn't accept the apology and rebuffed Danny, and kinda intimidated Tucker into doing the thing. Danyal closed down, backed off, and then never approached them again because he decided right then and there he wasn't going to chase it. Wasn't worth his effort or time.

Then he just. never approached another person after that because he didn't want to get rebuffed again (he wouldn't admit that it hurt a bit), and he could already tell his efforts wouldn't work. He turned his attention to other stuff. In this timeline it wasn't too difficult to find him at events dedicated to combatting climate change, deforestation, light pollution, animal cruelty, etc. the LOA is an environmentalist group, after all. They just also happen to be eco-fascist assassins-for-hire.

In summary, Sam and Tucker helped Danyal realize the flaws in some of the League's beliefs (the fascism) to the point where he could deconstruct it on his own. Being friends with them made him realize that, frankly, genocide was not the answer to environmental equilibrium, and that the people outside of the League had lives worth living. They also helped quell his arrogance, and just in general influenced him to become kinder even if it doesn't look like that all the time to other people. Sam and Tucker make him laugh, and smile, and just happy.

OG Danyal: wears pretty casual teen clothes. More punky-aesthetic. Has multiple ear piercings. These were self-done. Will have a lip piercing by the time he reunites with Damian, mark my words. Can and will wear muscle tees. Makes puns, jokes, is generally sassy with his friends. Can, will, and has climbed shit he shouldn't be because he enjoys the challenge of scaling a building. It's also very funny seeing Tucker and Sam reenact the "Gregory! HOW DID YOU GET UP THERE?!" meme. Still has a questionable moral compass, but like, he's not an eco-fascist.

This Timeline Danyal: dresses much more sophisticated; dark academia vibe. Closed off, cold. Is 2x more likely to kill someone than OG Danyal, who was frankly, pr kosher with murder already but only if he deemed it extremely necessary. Still an eco-fascist.

Danyal without Sam and Tucker? Still believes in the teachings of the League because he has not been really challenged on them. In fact, he has doubled down on it, actually. Living in the city, growing up estranged and ostracized by his peers, has only strengthened his resolve that all of humanity minus the league (and the Fentons) deserves to be wiped out. He is disgusted by the people around him and desperately wants to go home, even more than the last timeline. The only reason he hasn't is for Damian's sake, but he's been checking in with mother whenever she visits and asking to find a way to come home. She's been steadily wearing down on it; her child is miserable here.

This version of Danyal should not have powers, and is, essentially on the fast track of rejoining the league -- doubly so when he hears Damian is living with father. Clearly it's safe enough for him to be with father, if mother allowed it, and father has become safe enough for Damian to live there. Good. With the threat of two heirs being in the League gone, Danny can return with Mother's permission. And. he probably takes Jazz (and the Fenton parents) with him. Forcibly if he has to.

So Sam has her work cut out for her here, a lot more than in canon, because even when she does tell him that they used to be friends in another timeline, and he believes it, he is not going to give a shit. Clearly they were not as good of friends as she thought they were, if she had wished they never met in the first place. Good riddance, then. This Danny is cold, incredibly hurt, and very closed off.

He is a cave wall in comparison to the Danny Sam knew, and talking to him feels like walking into one. Because he is looking at her with just utter disgust and disdain, keeping a distance like he is revolted by her presence and allergic to her and everyone else's touch.

Which really, really fucking hurts when she knows that in their last timeline, he would actively seek out her and Tucker's company and affection. Sam could read her best friend like an open book, and now its like she's trying to read one in another language she barely speaks. This boy used to smile at her, he used to laugh at Tucker's jokes, and he was so passionate about the things he enjoyed. Now he looks at her like he wants nothing more than for her to drop dead on the spot.

It hurts even more knowing that her last words to her Danny were the words, 'some days i wish we never met'; the way he looked at her afterwards haunts her. For a split second, he looked completely crushed and heartbroken, before his entire body language and expression shut off and he totally closed down on her.

Because by this point in his friendship with her and Tucker, he's told them, he has told them, in a very intimate moment of vulnerability, that they are one of the best things that's happened in his life -- right there alongside the day he first met his baby brother. They are very important to him, and he has finally felt comfortable enough with telling them. There's not a day that goes by that he isn't grateful for their friendship.

So to hear Sam say that some days she wishes they never met? well. That breaks his heart. Just- just a little bit. Sam regrets it the moment it leaves her mouth, and she immediately tries to apologize, but Danny immediately spits back; "Well. I hope you get your wish." and then stalks off.

I'm warring with myself here trying to decide whether or not this new timeline Danyal is at a "point of no return", where nothing Sam says is going to make him attempt to reignite that friendship. Clearly that will end badly anyways, if this is the result of that friendship. He's cut all ties from these people; he feels no prerogative to fix things she broke.

Like, the version of Danyal I'm thinking of here has no close bonds with anyone in the city sans Jazz -- and she? has her own life outside of Danny. She is not his keeper, not his caretaker, and certainly not his therapist. (which i have beef about too, considering how she gets boiled down to 'therapist with no life of her own' but im not going into that.) She has some influence on him, but frankly not enough to really make him challenge his beliefs. Danny cares about her that, if he returns to the league, she is coming with him. Or at the very least, will be spared from the League's goals.

Mmmm. I can't make it a total point of no return though. Sam's very stubborn, and she knows Danny. And while this Danny is still very different, he is still Danny. She'll try and befriend him insistently in a way that might annoy him, but at least not push him away further.

(Tucker, meanwhile, is just soo confused about Sam's very random, very abrupt switch up. Cuz girl he thought you hated this guy? Why are you suddenly trying to get all buddy-buddy with the terrifying Fenton kid. Have you been possessed? Is this some kind of crisis?)

(Sam drags Tucker into befriending Danny because he is the only person she knows that can get him to belly laugh. Tucker is mildly terrified but going along with it.)

Anyways this does end with Sam befriending Danny, or at least getting him to like her long enough that he'll pick up a ghost weapon and face off against Desiree. There's no way in hell he's walking into that portal, that last timeline might have been a 1/billionth chance of it happening and he's not dying for the chance to get powers. And frankly with his training -- which he's probably kept up with even more than the old timeline because he had no one to spend his time with -- he doesn't really need them to be good at fighting them. Just show him how to ghost proof a weapon and he'll handle the rest from there.

But Sam does end up undoing the wish and getting back to her own original timeline in the end. It's the morning after her fight, and the literal first thing she does that morning is get her shoes on and fucking sprriiint to the fenton house. Bursts into tears when she sees Danny and apologizes over and over again. She swears she didn't mean any of it, and to please believe her, and Desiree's still loose and they need to stop her, and she's had the worst time.

She does tell him about the other timeline she just went through, and she hopes that, if it still exists, that that Danyal manages to find friends in the Sam and Tucker there after this. And if not them, then anyone.

Danny's still pretty hurt by what she said, it cut really deep, but he forgives her.

-----

Tucker getting his powers! Frankly things gooo... relatively the same as canon, I think? Actually, no. Danny probably figures out the whole Genie "i wish you would go back into your lamp" thing faster than canon danny since he's not a C student lmao. TV.Tropes doesn't give me too much specifics for a recap on the plot, so we're gonna wing it. For the plot I'm going to say that Tucker gets his powers before Danny figures out the "i wish" thing, which happens relatively quickly.

Danny tries to be... rather supportive of his friend getting powers? Especially since, in comparison to Danny, it was rather painless. However, he's also very suspicious. He doesn't trust the source of Tucker's powers, and warns him to be careful and to let Danny know if he feels off in anyway.

Tucker does end up helping Danny a few times, but the quick progression of his powers and Tucker's willingness to use them more often than not worries him. He reminds him a handful of times that Tucker shouldn't rely on his powers to help -- not even Danny does that. He prefers to use his weapons and martial arts to fight instead. Tucker doesn't listen.

And they end up fighting anyways. Things get resolved, everything turns out okay!

------

Christmas episode straight up just. doesn't happen. Danyal doesn't care enough about the Fenton arguing or about Christmas to be upset about said arguing. He thinks its really childish, but he's not a grinch about all of it.

--------

Okay it wasn't explicitly mentioned but i have thought about TUE. And I'm trying to think how that would go because it's the result of Danny getting his hands on the math answers and cheating. Which Danyal would not do.

And someone mentioned in the comments on my ao3 under the oneshots there that TUE might just straight up not happen. Which makes sense, Danyal is so different from canon that things don't have to always happen like it did in canon. So that's something I need to chew about, cuz if it does happen, then I'm going to figure out a different way for it to.

[skyemagica]

Skye's DIY HRT survival guide

After making a comment about DIY HRT on another post I've been helping a lot of people with supplying (and if you need help with that, shoot me a message!), while also pointing them in the direction of the DIY HRT Directory for other important info/tips, but I thought it would be nice to have the information readily available on Tumblr. (Especially considering the increased need I expect in the next four years. Stay safe.)

I can only speak from personal experience on transfem dosing, effects, etc., but I've tried my best to make this guide thorough for transmasc and transfem people!

How should I dose? Ultimately, it's up to you, but there are some helpful pointers as to where to start. Starting with testosterone, a low, medium and high dose of gel and injections:

And for estrogen - many girls going the legitimate route get started on an extremely low dose of estrogen (such as 1mg a day), but I can say that I started sublingually on 6mg, haven't had any nasty side effects and after only 4 months am having both visible and psychological/emotional changes. However, there is the rare but real possibility of your body having a negative reaction to your method of application, so going slow even for just a day or two might be worth your while. I got 6mg from the DIY HRT Directory, assuming you're also taking an anti-androgen. (More on those later.) As for injections:

What do I dose with? Again, it's up to you, though there are considerably more estrogen options than testosterone. Testosterone is typically available in injection and gel form, while you can get estrogen in pill, spray, gel, patch, or injection form. The reason injections are often recommended for estrogen is because of their affordability versus other methods, plus the ability to do monotherapy and not need an anti-androgen. (Anti-androgens are pills that block testosterone - extra cost, extra potential side effects. It is theoretical to reach monotherapy with other forms, but you should be aware of what a higher dose of E does to your body before attempting it.)

This does not mean you have to do injections for an effective transition. Thousands of trans people have met the goals you have in your head without injections - it is possible. We have technology! Er...pills, rather.

If you are in an unsafe environment, or even if any little thing makes you doubt your safety - lock up your medicine. Whether you have to hide it inside a sock, stuffed animal, or can afford an actual safe/lockbox, no one else has the right to interfere with your medicine. Life unfortunately doesn't always follow the linear patterns in our heads of wanting to be safe before we can start HRT - sometimes the noise in your brain gets so loud you run out of other options and have to take the risk.

If you think that your safety or shelter could be put at risk by starting HRT, look into resources in your area for queer and unhoused people. Have a go bag ready with your necessities. Set aside some extra money on an "emergency" prepaid debit card, especially if anyone who affects your safety also has access to your money.

Blood tests are ideal, but not required. I would be a hypocrite to encourage them too much, as I'm unable to get any right now without raising suspicion. Unfortunately, a lot of trans people are going to be in this same boat, or similar boats due to cost, inability to purchase in their area, etc. If this is an option for you, Private MD Labs, LabsMD, and Walk-In Lab provide private blood tests in the US without having to go through a doctor.

There are still visible ways to see that your dosage is working - they may not all be immediately recognizable, but within a few months you should have several signs. In my transfem experience, random erections were the first thing to go away, followed by a sudden emotional change (why am I crying at The Lion King for the first time when I've seen it many times?) and the starting of breast development. Transmasc individuals might notice some stubble growing, their voice getting lower, an increase in acne, increased appetite and sex drive, etc.

Where do I want my levels? Generally, you'll want your levels in the expected area for an adult cis male or female.

Transmasc: Total testosterone (T) 300-1000 ng/dL, estradiol (E2) lower than 50 pg/ml

Transfem: Total testosterone (T) below 50 ng/dL, estradiol (E2) above 100pg/mL

Rome wasn't built in a day. Neither are beards and boobs. It's very easy to get impatient with the results of HRT, but much like your first puberty, it's a process that takes several years. DIY does give you the advantage of adjusting your own dosage at your will, but if you don't have blood tests easily available, you're taking a shot in the dark. Here are some charts that give an estimate of the time range you should expect the changes of T and E, but everyone's body is different!

Can HRT make you gay? You may have heard of the phenomenon of people suddenly becoming attracted to men, women, or both when they start their hormone therapy, even if they weren't before. (There's not a real scientific backing for this, but it's documented enough to be listed as a side effect in some places.) And no, the HRT didn't make them gay - but it can change your sexual urges, and as you become more in tune with your true self, you may be more willing to notice or just accept things that you hadn't in the past.

I'm sure I'm missing things so there may be a part 2 later, but for any pressing questions just reply or shoot me a message! (This is how I've decided to try to help others through the upcoming unprecedented hell, for now. And if no one's told you this recently - you're not a burden, thank you for being you, and thank you fur trusting me to help!)

(Of course, don't just listen to me, I'm a dodo. I highly recommend reading through everything on the DIY HRT Directory when you have the chance! It is the main source for the info here, as well as my own personal experience, /r/TransDIY and GenderGP.)

[laundryandtaxes]

@fetusdeletustotalus I actually happened to take pictures the most recent time I made beef burgundy, which is very handy here. What I usually make is basically an extremely simplified, totally stove-top version of the dish. I don't necessarily reference a specific recipe, but ATK has a version called Modern Beef Burgundy that's similar, though theirs is much more complex and probably, resultingly, better. I find that using fairly few ingredients works perfectly well for me, and allows me to cook this routinely without any fuss and without needing a special trip to the grocery store for anything other than a shallot if I'm out or some fresh thyme. I rely on method to build flavor, and it works for me.

Basically, for one pot:

1 lb or more of chunks of high connective tissue beef- I usually just buy what is labelled "stew beef" by the grocery store

As many carrots as I want (about twice the amount pictured), half cut into circles and half cut into quartered chunks

One onion, half cut into big chunks and half diced

A tablespoonish of butter

1 shallot, half quartered and half sliced

As much garlic as I'd like

As many potatoes as I'd like, cut to roughly similar sizes and then submerged in cold water to keep them fresh in the fridhe while everything else works. This recent batch featured maybe too many potatoes even for me, an extreme lover of potatoes

1 bay leaf

A few sprigs of thyme

3ish cups of chicken broth (not beef broth, because the storebought stuff just isn't good ime, though I've been meaning to experiment with better than bouillon beef since the chicken is so good)

3ish cups of red wine, ideally something drinkable and robust

Corn starch dissolved into a little bit of cold water- more than I, at least, initially guessed I would need

S&P

Prep all your items, and you can spend almost no time touching anything after the first few minutes.

Steps post prep:

Sear beef over medium high heat in a generousish amount of oil, just enough to get sufficient color on all chunks. I salt in the pan, and cook in batches. The reason I do this is to prevent crowding the dutch oven/steaming the meat rather than frying it. Once a chunk is ready, set it aside on a plate, etc, working in batches. You will need to monitor heat, and likely lower it at some point in this process to prevent oil smoking or anything burning. This is the only step that's trickyish.

Lower heat to medium low. Add a tablespoonish of butter. I do this for yumminess reasons and because it helps to prevent the oil/beef fat in the pan from burning. Add in the roughly chopped half of the carrots and alliums. S&P in pan. Cook until everything has some light charring. Then, add in chicken stock, wine, the bay leaf, and maybe 2 sprigs of fresh thyme. Salt again. The reason that I do this is basically to make a richer beef stock- the flavor from these carrots and onions is part of the stock, and these will eventually become mush. These are not to be eaten as pieces.

Bring to a low/moderate boil and let it reduce a little. I let it reduce until I no longer really strongly smell wine. At that point, add in beef chunks, submerging them as much as possible in liquid. Reduce to a simmer. Walk away and forget the stew for a minimum of 2 hours.

Pull beef chunks, set aside. Pour the stew liquid into a bowl through a strainer. You will be left with very mushy vegetables and your herbs in the strainer, and basically finished stew stock in the bowl. Toss the bay leaf and thyme. I personally mash the vegetables up as much as possible, then add them to the stew and stir as much as possible. If I were being sophisticated, I might immersion blend the veggies in for texture uniformity. But it's stew, and I don't have an immersion blender and this sure isn't worth using a standard blender for me. The only reason I don't just mash the vegetables in the dutch oven is that I use a potato masher and don't like using metal in my dutch oven. Otherwise, I'd just mash it in the pan directly after removing the beef.

Put everything back into the pot, and add your more nicely cut carrots, onions, and potatoes. Simmer for another 30 minutes minimum.

Prep corn starch. Once added to the stew, bring it to a boil for a minute minimum to allow the corn starch to set up.

Profit

Basically, once the veg is cut and the meat is seared, you're doing very little. This is definitely not the most classic or involved beef burgundy, it's just how I personally choose to make beef stew when I make it. Some people like to remove the fat from the broth, and there is a special measuring cup sort of device you can purchase cheaply for that purpose, or you can use an ice and ladle trick that I've heard works well. Or you can do what I do and just leave it.

[system-of-a-feather]

there's a solid chance you've talked about this before and I just missed it, so I'm super sorry if thats the case, but if you feel comfortable discussing it: what are your thoughts on the whole tulpamancy cultural-appropriation debate? i feel like the debate is populated by a disproportionate amount of non-buddhists, so I'd love to hear your thoughts on it as someone who is actually part of the affected group.

have a good one!!

-ray (@rayssyscourse)

Oh I have talked about it A LOT cause its one of the topics I like to think about and examine from different perspectives (and debate within our parts a lot) but I absolutely don't mind being asked about it. Tbh I welcome any like specific questions cause it's a very complex topic imo that I really honestly couldn't do justice in a single post if I wanted to, particularly since my opinions are pretty complicated. I'll link some of the more recent-ish posts we've made on the topic cause it's easier than going into each of them. I often talk about it whenever I have a Thought On The Matter that I feel is worth sharing AND I have the energy to do so.

The short answer is that I honestly think its way too complicated than any straight forward "side" or answer I could simply summarize in anything less than maybe five paragraphs and even then I'd probably do my opinion disservice.

I do take pride in being one of the main runners who started the first relatively recent wave of Tulpacourse like in 2021 or 2022 I think? At that point I hadn't gotten too into Buddhism beyond a cursory ankle dip into it since I found that when I went into it earlier, as much as it was helpful, it fucked with our dissociation a lot so a lot of my views then were built on a reverence but superficial skin deep understanding of Buddhism (which is still much deeper than the average person's understanding of it since even on a skin deep level there is a lot of misunderstandings due to the western mysticism of Buddhism) and mainly charged from my experiences as a POC interacting with white people.

Generally, I do stand slightly on the "if I have to pick a side" opinion of "it is cultural appropriation and people should probably not use it" as I feel a lot of people that want to use the term don't acknowledge and want to consider the complications, history or any of the details to it and with the community as it stands, I don't think there is enough genuine and honest respect to the history of the term "tulpa" and the harm its done and the relationship it has to orientalism / cultural appropriation and what not. So generally speaking, if you made me say "which side to I stand with", I'd probably lean on the "yeah its cultural appropriation and shouldn't be continued" but that's really only on the conditional that - for whatever reason - talking about it and discussing the nuances, intersectionality, history, and present issues / aspects of the term is off the table.

Ideally, I'd honestly really just like to be able to have a not-heated no-judgement no-name-calling no-winning/loosing discussion with people in the tulpamancy community about a number of things and compared and contrast experiences, practices, values, etc of the tulpamancy community against that of Buddhists and ALSO talk about the complicated and problematic history it has and what can be done to better respect the history.

I don't (anymore) think that people HAVE to not use the "tulpa" term and I really don't think its productive to try to make someone not use a term just by saying "stop its bad" or "stop its racist". I think its much more productive to hold a discussion and talk about it and develop a much more developed understanding of the term and it's history and its relation to complex topics.

I do think there is a large racism issue in the tulpamancy community though, but I don't think its fair to dunk an entire practice, concept, and community based on the bad apples, even if the bad apples may be the majority and/or the loudest bunch.

I've been meaning to continue a conversation on the topic with @discourse-by-candlelight but the two of us are awfully cursed with the "we actually find this topic really interesting and important and so we want to be able to dedicate our full attention and mental space to genuinely considering the information provided and responding with my thoughts and thus RARELY have that ideal perfect mental place to reply"

But honestly, I think there's a lot more benfit to talking about the many intersecting and complex topics within tulpacourse than just simply regurgitating and parroting the not-wrong but also not-right "tulpamancy is cultural appropriation". I also think its especially not helpful when people parrot that in a context that is not it's original intent or use it to push an agenda that is not inline with the original values and intent in statement

(that being, the core issue with that statement is that tulpamancy is bad because its built upon orientalism, eastern mysticism, and just white people taking advantage of eastern cultures; therefore people who actively state other things that ALSO harm AAPI / eastern cultures should not be pretending to be an ally to AAPI; for more on this read the third linked post below)

But genuinely its something I have a lot of thoughts on and if you got any specific questions feel free to ask, cause honestly I like talking about this stuff and navigating the complexities of it and I'd really like to see a more nuanced and conversational discussion on the topic of tulpacourse.

Here's a bit of a directory of some recent-ish posts on it from us:

Nuanced Perspectives and Aspects to Consider in the Tulpamancy-Is-Appropriation Debate and My Thoughts

Anon Asking About the Term Thoughtforms

People who say "tulpamancy is cultural appropriation" but then state that plurality is inherently clinical / disordered / only due to trauma are honestly acting more annoyingly white / western than people who do engage and use the term tulpa / tulpamancy (also known as me being a clown and making "one" post about tulpamancy, spoiler it was way more than one post)

General Reflections on Buddhism, Plurality, Final Fusion / Functional Multiplicity

[themorphine]

eloise is my bitch and here is why

never thought i would do this- but here is a very lengthy post on why eloise is actually an AMAZING CHARACTER (notice how i said character, not person !!)

ok i understand the criticisms that come with eloise, i get it. she's naive, a bit self-centered, and tends to not be open to opinions that contradict her own. she was not the best of friends to penelope, pushing her own ideals unto her, and admonishing her for having dreams that

were not her own. she is not a girls girl, as she does not see activities/hobbies that are traditionally more "feminine" as valid interests but as a symbol of oppression. she judges too harshly on people who don't think like her, immediately thinking that they don't possess the

same level of intellect as her. BUT honestly, i think her character is more nuanced than this, and is not as flat as people make her out to be. eloise is the perfect example of a girl sick of the oppression women face IN THIS TIME PERIOD. you see that? in THIS TIME PERIOD.

for a 17 rich girl, its not surprising that she thinks this way, especially living IN HER TIME PERIOD. in this time period "feminine" hobbies are forced upon women, not a choice. while a craft like embroidery is certainly commendable and amazing, we must understand that at least

for eloise, these activities have been forced on her, ones that will help her find a husband. eloise does not view this activity as something that liberates her, but giving into it oppresses her even further. to be honest, in this time period, why else would the women engage in

these activities if not for being a more suitable marriage candidate? for eloise, participating in this activity or any "womanly" activities is perceived in her eyes as giving into societal pressures. so i don't think eloise is necessarily putting down more seemingly "feminine"

activities/hobbies, but is rather befuddled as to how someone could enjoy it, as it is only seen as something to help women in the marriage market. how could someone enjoy an activity that women have been *told* to like, when that is the essence of what eloise fights against?

to be honest, i feel like the comments against eloise are spoken in a modern context, in a context where we know now that embroidery and fiber arts are commendable professions. and if this context is taken of course eloise's actions are seen as unjust.

and to be honest, her reaction IS annoying. as a fiber artist, its always annoying to have my passion dumbed down, to something that does not demonstrate the true power of it. but still, would we really expect eloise, a 17 year old rich white girl who has never read books beyond

her home, to be able to have the opinion that we have? of course not. in her time period her opinions make sense, and i feel like its unfair to judge her character in the context of modern thinking. eloise doesn't know better, and while it is not an excuse, i argue that it makes

her an even better character, one that has so much more room to grow, so much more room to change. i feel like we must remember that she is only 17, a girl is still figuring the world, especially in a time period when women only hold worth in the heirs they produce. of course her

opinion is shallow and lacks depth, SHE'S 17!!!! why wouldn't she be insufferable? i feel like in tv today we always want characters to have no faults, or at least not faults that may make them look like a bad person. this takes away the journey the character may encounter,

that gives more depth to a character and shows us why they think that way, why are like this. nobody likes a women who voices her opinion without regard to what others might think, and to be honest i think that that's one of the biggest reasons people don't like eloise. now i'm

not saying that i support eloise's actions, or that i think she is a "good" person. but i do think she is a phenomenal character and very accurately depicts what a girl with her background may end up being. she has so much room for growth, and is, if you couldn't tell, my fav <3

so stop hating on her because she's not a "girl's girl," because honestly why would she be based on her upbringing and the TIME PERIOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she's a 17 year old girl guys calm tf down

[bellshazes]

i am very curious about your academic history! uni or informal or personal interest or otherwise. i've seen you mention a number of disciplines from time to time, v cool to see medieval studies be among them. always awe-inspiring to see someone use their wealth of lit knowledge to help create incredibly provocative posts about minecraft youtubers. your experience with philosophy is one i'd love to know more about.

(if you're comfortable with sharing it! otherwise, feel free to ignore this ask :P)

this is a very lovely ask and i don't mind to share at all because it's really just... a hodgepodge. it took me twelve years to graduate college. i flunked out my junior year and tried in fits to go back and chip away at my last requirements only when i got reimbursement through my job. i concentrated my courses on medieval culture/literature, french, and general linguistics (these often overlapped). i didn't study any actual theory in my courses until i took my final 2 humanities ones. which in fact i took and blogged through right here.

taking that theater of the absurd class (as Last Life happened!) connected me to academic game studies, which was easy pickings since i spent about a decade teaching arkham horror (and occasional other pinch hits for e.g. catan) at game conventions. so i have a lot of friends from those cons who enjoy and have the vocabulary to dissect games' mechanics and feel and the social dynamics of them. i love rehashing the difference between game mastering a co-op board game vs. an official strategy tournament vs. casual improv games vs. casual competitive vs. asymmetric, and then rehashing the player pov of each of those and more, and people who can argue back.

i'm very lucky to have friends who also think of philosophy not as being walled off from daily life but a practice of examining the world and our relationships within it. we sit and argue for the sake of tearing a concept apart, like "what differentiates art from craft?" or "does the platonic ideal suck or is it romantic?" or "what are you most afraid of?". do this for at least 5 years and you'll end up with complex opinions and perspectives. in my early 20s, biking from my restaurant job to free museums and writing about local art history kept me alive.i'm lucky my very bizarre career path since has led me to jobs where taxonomical flexibility and philosophy are necessary skills.

i think everything is worth taking seriously, even the most unserious parts of life, and i think you can take play seriously while also remaining playful in your examination. i think all your experiences build on themselves by virtue of aging, if you allow yourself to play with them. i think that there are a thousand silver threads between each thing and every every every other thing in the world and universe and imagination and drawing those lines of juxtaposition illuminate the edges of a negative space that is dynamic as it pulls and is pushed by all of its interrelationships, even the most obscure thinnest threads. i wouldn't have worked all that out without talking with the same people again and again.

at a work conference last year i was introduced to gregory bateson, whose ecology of mind makes me feel like i just stepped off the tallest rollercoaster in the world. i'm still not sure that i've got a good enough understanding of pedagogy of the oppressed (which i discovered via um les mis fanfic?) but i reread the second chapter even more often than i revisit quine's the ways of paradox. for good advice on how to be an amateur, tampopo lays it out the best. i lead with being a college dropout because i want to emphasize i'm no master of anything, just a lover of many, but that i think a critical amateurism, a love that drives learning and development and communion with others is just about the best most life-giving thing there is.

[felixcloud6288]

PMMM: Rewind Recap

Before I watch the final two episodes of PMMM, I decided to skim through the previous 10 episodes again. I figured I might be able to get some new information after the big revelations in episode 10.

Mostly, I focused on Homura to see what hints and foreshadowing exists, but there are a few other things I noticed on a second watch.

And before I talk about Homura, I want to talk about Mami. Despite dying so early in the series, Mami ended up having a long-term effect on the story. In particular, I'd say she's responsible for several of Sayaka's personal issues.

Mami presents herself as this ideal hero fighting to protect others and do good. But in truth, she's lonely and hates what she's doing. And while she's nice to people who she can call her juniors, she doesn't get along at all with someone who doesn't adhere to her authority.

Madoka and Sayaka both have a burning need to help others. Madoka tries to help others because she feels like she's worthless if she's not. Meanwhile Sayaka tries to help others because she wants to be the ideal, selfless hero she thinks Mami is. In fact, Sayaka's magical girl form reflects this as it has aspects similar to a knight or super hero.

In episode 3, Mami opened up to Madoka about her doubts and fears. She let Madoka see that being a magical girl isn't as glamorous as it appears and discourages Madoka from becoming a magical girl out of some belief that she can help others.

Sayaka never saw this side of Mami. Maybe if she'd seen that her idol wasn't the perfect beacon of heroism, Sayaka would have been dissuaded from becoming a magical girl. Or at least she wouldn't have become so self-destructive in her attempts to be that ideal hero.

The dance machine Kyouko was using in episode 6 is called Dog Drug Reinforcement (DDR).

In my episode 9 post, I asked about all the chairs in Madoka's room and I think I have an answer to that.

Symbolism!!!

Madoka wants to be useful to others and has the kind of personality that will sacrifice her own desires and interests for the greater good. During her conversation with Kyubey, Kyubey tells her that condemning herself to become a witch will ultimately help humanity and the universe.

All the chairs are facing Madoka. There is an audience watching her choose to not do what Kyubey says is the best option for all. But the chairs are empty. No one is actually watching her. No one is actually blaming her for doing what she wants and is best for her rather than what is "best" for everyone. And no one will actually notice if she does give up everything to do what is "right".

Now moving onto Homura. The story doesn't go beating us over the head with symbolism or foreshadowing that Homura is a time traveler. But it does give us some light indications that she's more knowledgeable than she ought to be. First hint is she knew Madoka was the class health officer and where to find the nurse's office back in episode 1. Another subtle hint was she knew Kyouko's name in episode 6.

Kyubey started connecting the dots in that same episode, but the show didn't really try to make viewers figure out Homura's power. On a second rewatch, there's not really anything hinting that Homura is a time traveler but there is plenty of stuff you could speculate over if you watched the show knowing that she's one.

One particular moment that is worth mentioning is how Homura said she's seen enough people die like Mami that she stopped counting. You could just say that it's the consequences of being a veteran magical girl UNTIL you remember that these are young girls. What she's actually referring to is that she's seen Madoka, Sayaka, Mami, and Kyouko die over and over in the timeloops.

"You keep fighting for the wish you made for yourself. Even if no one notices, even if no one remembers you at all, that's just how it is." In context, Homura appears to be talking about how no one will know Mami died fighting witches. But really, Homura is talking about herself. She's tried to save Madoka from becoming a witch and Madoka never remembers her when Homura loops. When Madoka said she'll never forget Homura, Homura clenched her fist.

Episode 1 opens with Homura fighting the Walpurgis Night. It is the end of episode 10. Just as episode 10 ends with the opening theme, episode 1 opens with the ending theme.

And finally, I want to go over Homura's introduction in episode 1 vs the first time she ever met Madoka back in episode 10.

The most important difference between those scenes is the walk to the nurse's office. We get almost all the shots except for who is the one leading the walk.

And also, when they talk about Homura's name. In episode 10, Madoka tells Homura that she has a wonderful name and should try to be cooler to match it. And Homura did. All of her "cool girl" antics are because Madoka said she should try being a cooler person. And in response, Homura told Madoka to stay the same person in episode 1.

Everything about Homura is all an act. She's just trying to be that cool girl that Madoka wants her to be and is trying to save Madoka at the cost of everything.

Madoka acts selfless but secretly only does it because she ties it to her self-worth. Homura acts selfish but secretly is desperate to save her friend's life.

Madoka is ultimately selfish at heart. If she were to die fighting witches, she would probably want everyone to mourn her death and praise all the good she's done. But Homura is ultimately selfless at heart. She has been willing to give up everything to save one person and is even willing to lose the friendship she desperately wants if it means saving Madoka from her fate.

back

[not-poignant]

Hi Pia

Your previous post regarding burnout really resonates with me as I'm currently struggling through a mountain's worth of uni assignments.

I hopeyou're being compassionate to yourself where you can. I know you rely on your writing for income but ould cutting down to working on only 2 or 3 fics instead be a viable solution?

Because longterm I don't think that even your insanely impressive skills can hold up to that kind of pressure.

Maybe if you cut back a little you'll be able to enjoy your hobbies again and rest a little more.

I know that I'm not the only reader that wants you to take care of yourself x

Hi anon,

Firstly, good luck with all those assignments! I do not miss the grind of uni when all the assignments suddenly seem due at the same time and it's like 'oh fuck' and it just...is truly exhausting. Remember to take a break after if you can!

I am trying to be compassionate where I can. Working on expanding my capacity / juice left in the tank is actually a big priority with both therapists this year, and it's something I'm actively chipping away at.

Unfortunately cutting down fics is not really something I can do because it would personally stress me out more to put a lot of things on hiatus like that. Underline the Red is already on hiatus, and The Nascent Diplomat on my end is finished, and I'll take a few months off after that before starting the next installment.

Ideally I will be finishing out some fics that will clear my calendar a bit more over time. For example, A Stain that Won't Dissolve won't last forever, and isn't going to be replaced by anything new (Palmarosa will likely slot into that space and I'll be able to work on it more). Underline the Black will be replaced by Underline the Red, and Blue and Gold will be replaced by Underline the Silver.

Eventually, ideally, I'll be working on a smaller and smaller load until I'm at about 2-4 projects (which is how I used to work). Also quite a few of my projects only update once a month or every few months, and that helps a lot. It's just that I have too many fics where I'm on a more regular schedule (Stain, Palm, Black) and normally I only have one or two fics that are on a more regular schedule, so yeah, I am looking forward to that slowing down!

But putting something on hiatus just makes me feel more burdened and overwhelmed than knowing I'm getting closer and closer to wrapping something up. It's just how my brain works! I am a finisher, and while that's really good for not abandoning projects (which is extremely rare for me and tends to only be very short projects or PWPs which I will turn away from), it's less good when I have too many projects lmao. I've gotten better at holding back (there's three fics I'm dying to write right now, which is an Efnisien/Kadek fic that I've already started but not posted anything of, Silver, and Red).

So yeah, I will be cutting back. I've already started. The Nascent Diplomat is no longer on my schedule, which means for the next 3 months while it's still posting, I don't have to write anything for it. That's lovely because I can still share in that world with no extra labour (it's edited and everything). Likewise, Stain and Black are both in their last act/s now. That's still a lot of chapters for both, but it feels good for me to know that both will likely be finished out this year.

But we are getting there! So yeah the view is to cut down on projects, but organically (by finishing out stories and not replacing every single one with new titles, only some of them) rather than forcefully via hiatuses. I mean obviously if I get too sick I will have to go on hiatus and I've done that before, but so far it's looking like I've written enough chapters ahead (most of May is written) that I can take about 2 weeks off from writing in April, and that will help a great deal as well. :)

Anyway, take care with your assignments too! I do not miss that part of uni at all

[tavyliasin]

Fandom Essay - Body Positivity and Validation

Good timezone darlings~ Lia is back at it again with some examination of BG3 Fandom and some more of the wonderful things we can find within it. This time we are talking about representation of different physical features. If you feel this might be a little much for you, either in regards to your relationship to your body or any potential dysphoria, please feel free to skip it. Second disclaimer that I will be mentioning trans and nonbinary people here from the perspective of a Cis person - this is absolutely not my right to speak for or over anyone so I thoroughly welcome the voices of those with lived experiences to join in the comments with their input, but I also did not want to leave the topic out of the discussion and you may just see why as we get into it~ So on with today's long title:

How FanWorks Can Be Important To Self Acceptance And Body Positivity - The Next "Callout Essay" from TavyliaSin (Who is calling herself out with these too) ((there are reasons it feels targeted I know where to aim)) (((but honestly it's fine it's all positive I promise)))

Today we will be discussing: body types, disability representation (only a little though, this one may need a full post of its own), body size, gender (and gender euphoria), scars and "imperfections", visible ageing. This will be through the lens of both the canon inclusion and everything we see in mods, edits, and fan creations of all kinds. As usual I will use sub headers and encourage anyone to skip what makes them uncomfortable, as well as to join the discussion~ so let's begin, shall we?

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What Does Body Positivity Mean?

Let's start off with the simple one. Body positivity doesn't mean promoting any one body type as the ideal or as better than any others, it is about being positive about the mortal flesh vessels we inhabit and all of their features. A lot of people can find this difficult, to love oneself or even just accept oneself, especially in a highly critical society. But that is where representation and even fan creations can step in - by being vocal and loud about appreciating features that people may feel negative about in themselves, we can help build up confidence and self worth, as well as reminding all of us that we do not have to look a certain way to be desirable and desired~

How Does This Relate To Baldur's Gate 3?

On the surface, we do have a lot of characters with more conventionally accepted body types in the main cast and romance characters, though it is worth noting that the base models were updated to be less "Hollywood muscles" on a couple of characters, which made more sense to the character stats and backstories (unless Gale was working out every day in his tower, he's not that much like a bodybuilder physique).

But aside from this, when you look closer, there's also an awful lot to appreciate in the standard character designs. A lot of these are things which fans pick up on and adore, despite how they may be features that people are actively bullied for or that are seen as undesirable by beauty standards. Those "beauty standards" can get in the trash too, but I'll use it here to point out the things we are shining a positive light on in the face of those societal values~ Karlach - Our tall queen, strong and muscular and not particularly feminine with her tattoos, piercings, and hairstyle. But she is adored for all of those things, even her broken horn is an important feature, alongside the glowing heart and fire that have some in the game view her as monstrous until they look closer and know her. Astarion - His laugh lines. Gods don't we love those? The wrinkles in his face are experience, and of course he has those signs of exhaustion in his eyes that make him so much more relatable to many of us. Lae'zel - This might feel like cheating as she's not human, and is less human-like than most of the other characters, but in a way that is also an important one. She's still desirable and treated as such in the romances, as well as very much adored by the fans. Gale - The little signs of ageing and stress mark Gale's face, and even the hints of greying in his hair are picked up on and chewed on by those who love him most. Wyll - More on him later but honestly is he not the poster boy for physical acceptance? Not only do we have his initial appearance with the stone eye but with one choice his entire body is completely changed and part of his story is arguably learning to live with this and how his new look is likely going to be seen as everything he ever feared. Halsin - Are we cheating with BIG TALL MUSCLE MOUNTAIN because many people find this attractive to start with? Maybe, but again he has clear signs of ageing, as well as very obvious facial scarring. His look might easily be described as fearsome, and yet his personality couldn't be further from it. Raphael - Hello there lovers of older men, who look at each one of those wrinkles and his brow lines and start sweating a bit more. I'm with you, he's gorgeous because of those signs of aging, not despite them. Abdirak - Our real poster boy for scars and visible wounds. Features which have long been given only to villainous characters in fiction (particularly that aimed at younger audiences) and yes he is one of the most violent characters, but he is also immediately deeply sympathetic to the player. So we are no longer equating scars/visual difference with pure evil. In general we have a lot of features that are not overly smoothed out or homogenised to fit certain standards. We have different nose shapes, visible pores, scars, acne marks, wrinkles, greying hair, moles, freckles, body hair, and a lot of variety across face shapes and features. It makes the characters feel more real, more relatable, and seeing features closer to our own can be comforting and validating in a lot of ways. Of course there are more examples, and far more we could say about each one of these and all the things that make them unique that we love about them, but we would be here all day and there are other topics to cover!

What About The Player Characters?

So we do have a range of fantasy races, many of which arguably don't represent real humans at all, and we do also lack variation in body types in the standard game. But we also have player characters with shorter statures with the dwarves, halflings and gnomes. Beyond just being part of the lore and story, there is some representation here for similar body types in real life. I can't say a lot on this as I neither have personal experience nor do I personally know anyone who could speak on how they feel about these races in comparison to lived experiences, but it would be equally unfair to leave the point out of the conversation - please do add something in the comments if you have the knowledge and emotional bandwidth to spare, I would love to hear about your experiences and opinions! Aside from this we have a wide range of skin tones (though my own is too close to plain paper to be able to tell you if this is anywhere near adequate so please feel free to weigh in with lived experience here) as well as scars and other features in the character creation. There's also vitiligo pigmentation, which is not only representing the condition but also normalising it to those who aren't familiar and making some rather beautiful options for our characters in my opinion. Even in the hair styles there are a couple of options featuring thinner hair or baldness patterns. There are less options for textured hairstyles and the facial features are equally limited, but there are some truly gorgeous mods out there which I'll mention later.

Player Characters And Gender

Another caveat to please weigh in with your lived experiences, but this one is one that I've seen friends enjoy and it was really wonderful to see that delight. Being able to select pronouns, genitals, body type, and voice all independently of each other is something which is so vastly meaningful to a lot of players. To some it might just be "oh cool I get to choose what my character looks like naked", but to a nonbinary friend of mine... Well, they were sending me happy, joyful, and what can only be described as "delightfully shouty" messages when they were in character creation. To paraphrase, and to tone it down just a little, it went something like this:

"Wait you mean I can have a character look and exist the way I want to be? I can actually have myself represented on screen, and nobody will misgender me, and nobody will decline a romance based on any of this?!"

Maybe it seems silly but I got tearful to see them just absolutely losing it over having these options. They've been stuck with binary options in most fantasy RPGs for so long... Of course there's still things that could be improved, there always will be, but that joy? Priceless. It meant something in that moment and I hope it will continue to mean something to a lot more people in many moments to come. Of course there are still flaws - the faces and bodies are still gender matched, and it isn't possible for people to refine the size and shape of player character chests. In some ways really what we have is the bare minimum, a start that needs to go further, but seeing as there have been precious few games in the genre to even reach this low bar it is good to recognise it, to say "this brought people joy and is worth the effort to make it happen", and to say "please go further because there is genuine interest."

What About Mods?

This is where we can see a lot more of that positivity flourishing. There are countless options, from having more hairstyles and hair types, to face shapes and features, all the way to body types and adding in top surgery scars. Giving the game the ability to be modded, and potentially even encouraging and supporting it, means we can see so much more of that body positivity and representation. Having a hero who shares your features, seeing romances play out where the characters are valued in every way just as they are. Being able to mod softer and wider body types to the Origin characters too, taking the form away from the bodybuilder/model physique and far closer to more average - and undeniably still devastatingly attractive - body types. Seeing the trans-Origin character headcanons portrayed too, that's just so utterly divine~ (There is a lot to be said about parallels to LGBTQIA+ experiences in the Origin storylines, too, so feel free to comment on those at the end if you would like to) To all of you out there making mods, and sharing the characters you've created using other peoples' mods - thank you! I adore seeing all of these, as well as people's happiness in sharing and using them too~

I don't even use mods, honestly darlings I'm not the best with tech at times and as I'm spending vastly more hours writing than playing it's likely not as worth it for me - especially when people share the modded content for us all to enjoy in videos and screenshots. But I love how many there are, that they exist, and all the ways they give people joy and euphoria to see their own body types and/or body types they find to be desirable~

But Wasn't This Post About Fandom and Fan Creations?

It was - and is! Because after all of the content you can get in the base game and in the modded version, what comes after is where the fans go with it from there.

That's truly where we get the most body positivity and joy. Headcanons leave the head and pour onto the page. We see characters reimagined a hundred times, each with their own twist, their own enthusiasm both from the creator and from fans just eating up every piece that comes out. There's so much variety there seems to be almost anything you could wish for with almost any character, and I can guarantee you that if there's something you'd like to see and aren't seeing out there, there will be an artist willing to work on the idea (most likely on commission basis, we do prefer to ensure our artists can eat after all, but there may be some willing to just adopt ideas to draw as their own too). This even extends to cosplay, with gender-swapped characters, as well as the one thing I will always be vocal about in cosplay - everyone should be allowed to wear the character costumes they love regardless of body types or how well their body/face matches the original character. Though this does come with the caveat that skin should never be darkened to match a character's look (if that character has a natural type skin tone, obviously green etc is not an issue) - just be your own version of the character if you adore them enough to put the costume together.

And your work?...

Thank you for asking Lia, let me answer that one for you. Of course, take it away, Lia! Ahem silliness aside, there is something you might or might not have noticed in my writing. I don't do a lot of body-type description. You can imagine whatever you like as you read - Gale with a soft tummy to snuggle? Yes please! Or you can imagine him with sculped abs, or a more slender frame - whatever brings you the most joy to read. This is especially true for anything I do with gender neutral character fics (usually "character x Reader"/2nd person pieces) - I try to stay away from any specific gendered features and focus on actions and sensations which can be common to any body.

How Does This All Add Up To Body Positivity?

Simple, love - by sharing and making all of these works we are saying "these features are beautiful, we love them, we want to see more of them as we fall head over heels time and time again". It might not seem like a lot, but the mind is both powerful and very easily open to suggestion. If a person keeps seeing negative things about a feature they have (eg, as a mild example body hair on women/feminine people) they will internalise that and wish to change themselves (eg, waxing/shaving/etc). In the case of a bit of body hair that might not seem drastic, but it still changes how someone feels about themselves. At the end of the day, the more we love ourselves the easier it is to look after ourselves and be happy in the mortal flesh vessels we pilot around this terribly strange universe~ For my part, I have seen my body shape which I had struggled with shown time and time again as "wow look at this character who looks this way, they are amazing! I love this feature, and that feature, and the way the artist made sure to include this particular thing-" Every time I see that, every time I see parts of myself I struggle with being applauded and appreciated, I feel a little brighter. A little more comfortable. A little more like I am allowed to dress it up nicely and spend time and care to feel good about it. I also feel less shame for old scars, for every part of myself that has made me look at the mirror with unkind eyes. Confidence is not a single brick, it's many that need to be built carefully with the right cement. If it is chipped away at too many times, even by little self-deprecating "jokes", it will erode. It will crack. It will wear away piece by piece instead of building up. And before anyone decides to try equating weight and health, darling this is not the place. If you truly care about someone's wellbeing, leave their health to the private discussions they have with their doctors, and remember that looking after oneself is far easier from a place of loving oneself. If you care about a thing, you want to look after it. If you see a thing as already broken, you're less likely to be cautious in how you handle it.

Where does this essay end?

Well, I believe that would be here. With the endless gratitude for every creator out there bringing us mods, images, fiction, art, cosplay, content of all of these wonderful characters in every incredible variation that we can think of. I encourage those of you who are feeling lower in confidence about yourselves to really look at the fan responses to these creations - the excitement and desire for every body type, every feature, everything that we might see of ourselves and dislike there are so many people out there seeing those exact same features we have and feeling nothing but attraction, desire, love, adoration, and praise~ We are often our own worst critics, but not one of those characters would ever reject us, neither are we rejecting any of our favourites when we see them on the screen. I certainly hope to see more games bringing us this variety, and going further too. There is power in fiction and fan-works, and it is helpful to recognise it too.

Apologies if this one felt too long, rambling, or like I lost my point - it was done over 3 days and I'm rather tired~ I have other essays coming in the next few weeks too, and I really would love to hear your opinions on any of them~

As a final note - please do add your own views and experiences on the topic! I can only offer my own as a disabled white cisgender asexual/bisexual/panromantic woman with too much time on her hands~ I neither wish to ignore experiences outside of my own nor speak over them. All I can offer is what I see, what I hear, and of course my endless love to all of you~ That, my very dear darlings, is never in doubt. I love you just the way you are, because of who you are, and will see the beauty in everything that makes up the sum of your wonderful selves~

[bredforloyalty]

could you possibly elaborate more on how you found that ao3 fic that was previously deleted? i’ve lost soo many memorable ones over the years & if there is a way to find them via backup it would be such a game changer

of course!!! i don't know how you are with computers, i feel like tumblr users in general are pretty good at tech stuff or whatever and people in my circles are within the age range that uses computers or learned how in school so,, forgive me if there are too many details and you feel like i'm talking to you like to a toddler hdsgxy ((my sister, who's only a little younger than me, for example is very very online but not on her laptop and the lessons at her high school weren't very helpful, so she's just not very good at computer. so i tried to be thorough and make this friendly to someone who doesn't torrent, doesn't use excel, etc) <3

first, if you still have the link to the deleted fic (like, say, from a fic rec post or a forum), you can try searching on the wayback machine, but you probably tried that already! or you don't have a link! i just didn't want to leave it out ^^

so what actually helped me is there's this post, that uh i got this from, take a look at it, it might seem long or intimidating but i promise it's not complicated! BUT in case this helps, i'll also write down roughly what you need to know here (and then you can maybe read or skim that post looking for this info if you want): there is an archive of text files from ao3; the zip files of many many fics come with two sqlite files of metadata, basically databases that you can download and view/search with the appropriate program (db browser for sqlite is what op recommends and that worked just fine for me). and what you will be able to see, if you download the metadata, is whether the particular fic you're looking for is in the archive at all + where exactly you can find it in the zip files (so,, which batch of files has the file you want)

then op says that once you know which zip you need, you can download that and extract only the fic(s) you want. but this isn't always necessary actually, more on that in a second, it's just the general idea. i mean the idea is: get sqlite browser → download one of the sqlite files (takes time) → open it in the browser (file → open read only) → filter for whichever column you want to find what you're looking for (you can do the author or the exact title or a relationship and just browse too, ofc) → look at the first column that shows the path, this is where you can find the fic → download that zip (takes more time) → use winrar or another compression program/extractor to get that file and voilà

ok so, when you click on "show all files" on the internet archive, you'll be able to see that 'ao3_old_files' is 6.5 gigabytes, while 'ao3_current' is 18.3. if you're looking for a newer fic, it should be somewhere within the latter batch of zip files, which is hmm not ideal because it took me a while to download just 6.5 gb lmao so i don't know how much time 18 would take.. however !! if you look in the replies, you'll see op (and others?) helping whoever doesn't have the storage space or the stable internet or the time or patience to download bigger files. it's definitely worth a shot to ask them personally to look for what you want (unless it's vague, bc then it might be too much digging to ask a stranger to do but yeah otherwise op seems to have ao3_current.sqlite3)!

and if you want to look in 'ao3_old_files', i have that so obviously i'll check for you! and let's say i check and i find the fic you want. then i can do this

so the zip file (a bunch of excess data) doesn't even have to be downloaded. it just opened the fic in plain text for me 👍 unfortunately i don't know if there's a way to skip steps with the zip files that are queues, as in the ones that contain current fics and mainly epubs.... sorry </3

i hope you can find what you're looking for!! let me know if i can help with anything

[the-crimson]

Ok so after writing my observations yesterday on q!bbh’s delusions about the egg photos and reading this post by the wonderful @kadextra I started thinking about the relationship between q!bbh’s self harm and his delusions.

Both are coping methods for the immense pain of losing the eggs and q!bbh’s failure to protect them. Gonna put an early cut cuz I’m gonna be talking about self harm and suicide idealization so if these are triggering topics, take care of urself and read at ur own pace.

There are hundreds of different reasons (often subconscious) why people commit acts of self harm but some of the more common ones are cries for help, externalizing internal pain, and punishing oneself. I think bbh’s self harming tendencies steam from all three, in addition to a general lack of self worth but that is nothing new to mr I popped 25 totems no big deal.

The eggs are bbh’s world and he failed them. When he first fed himself to the vultures, it was only a couple days after the eggs had vanished. Long enough for the hope that they’d return to fade and for the reality of the situation to sink in. They are gone. He failed them.

Bad may have justified it to himself that he was continuing Dapper’s work but deep down he was punishing himself for failing by physically destroying his body in addition to externalizing his internal pain. Now what do I mean by that? Internal/emotional pain can feel irrational and helpless because it’s all inside. Physically hurting oneself gives a person an element of control over their pain and a justification for why everything hurts. It makes it easier to manage even tho this is incredibly dangerous and unhealthy. When life or emotions feel out of control, self harm can feel revolutionary and like you are taking your agency back. Brains are weird.

Bad fed himself to the soul vultures for two weeks before he stopped. At first, he was in their spawning area seemingly collecting soul hearts - even though there was no need because Dapper collected over a stack of them. Then, he moved to Ron’s cell where he allowed the vultures to eat him while Ron watched/listened. In both instances, bbh has a “logical” reason for doing what he’s doing but the moment you think about it for two seconds his reasoning falls apart because the true purpose is self harm. Dapper already collected a bunch of the hearts and there are a million different ways bbh could psychologically torture Ron besides actively hurting himself as well.

All of this is also a desperate cry for help. Bad doesn’t hide the wounds the vultures left and even after he stopped letting them eat him, the wounds continue to get worse. Whatever the vultures did to him/bad did to himself has left a very visible indication that he is deteriorating quickly. Everyone has told him there is something wrong and he doesn’t try to hide it or cover up what has them worried. Bad doesn’t notice because he can’t, because he doesn’t care, because he doesn’t matter. But it is a clear indication to others that something is deeply wrong and he needs help even if he’d be kicking and screaming trying to resist.

Another common reason for self harm occurs when someone has severe depression. Depression isn’t just “I’m sad”. Depression is “I feel nothing”. My mom once described it as literally the world loses its color. When Foolish lit bbh on fire and Bad said something along the lines of thanks I can feel something - it was played as a joke but that is a legit thing. Some people commit acts of self harm just so they feel something. Feeling something is better than nothing. At least then you know ur alive. I can also see this being a factor in bbh’s self harming practices.

What interests me the most is when Bad stops letting the vultures eat him: when he starts indulging in his delusions about the eggs in the photos. He trades one coping method for another.

Instead of externalizing the pain and punishing himself, he enters a fantasy where the pain doesn’t exist because the eggs are right here. He gives himself a moment of respite from the pain so that he has the strength to continue carrying it. But as we saw, this eroded his ability to tell reality from fiction and lead to a full blown dissociative mental break down.

Then what happens a couple days after his break down? We see him once again allowing a vulture to attack him. He’s leading it around like a pet in broad daylight. Yesterday was incredibly triggering for bbh because he was forced to face the dead eggs as well as his eggs that are missing/may wind up dead any moment. If Aypierre hadn’t accidentally triggered bbh’s break a few days ago I definitely think this would have triggered it. Not only talking to the dead eggs but being faced with the possibility that Bad might be digging seven more graves soon would be more than enough to break him.

Bad’s self harm in this instance was a grounding method. To keep him here, in the present. Who knows how long he spent on the church roof preparing himself for visiting the dead eggs. He was literally sitting there trying to stop himself from dissociating because he knew how important it was to keep the egg’s memory alive. He knew how much it meant to Dapper.

The fact that bbh risked everyone finding out about Dapper’s soul vultures just so he could keep himself present enough to visit the eggs is insane. His priorities are so incredibly skewed and we see this in everything he does. He is both completely blind to the consequences of his actions while intensely aware of the spiderweb he’s weaving across the island. He doesn’t care if anything happens to him and fully expects himself to die at some point. He doesn’t care about potentially spilling Dapper’s soul vulture secret because he’s already let the cat out of the bag on scanners. He doesn’t care if Dapper hates him for revealing their secrets. All he cares about is Dapper coming back safe and sound - with or without Bad.

I honestly think a part of Bad wants to die. This whole experience has hurt him so much that I don’t think he thinks there is a way back. Even if the eggs return, his failure remains and all the drastic measures he’s taken can’t be erased. Tragedy follows bbh everywhere he goes. He has painted history with blood. Maybe he thinks dying to save the kids will redeem him in some way. I doubt bbh will actually die or die permanently but the character definitely plans on sacrificing and potentially dying one way or another. All he needs to do is hold out long enough for his plan to come to fruition which means employing what ever coping methods he can to survive his grief, but once it’s done… idk and I don’t think bbh knows either.

Now we’ll just have to see what bbh does next. If he continues self harming with the vultures or indulging in delusions or tries something new and more desperate/dangerous. I trust at the end of all this cc!bbh will give us a happy ending but it’s always darkest before the dawn and I feel like we’ve got a lot of night left.