#i've been trying to phrase it as delicately as possible

[couldtransitionsaveher]

Archetype Exploration: Perfect Soldiers

(Hey, please look at this blog's pinned post before reading this post; it gives a lot of context for the lens I'm looking at these characters through, k thx. also, shoutout to @finalgirl-nihilbliss for guessing the archetype)

CW: Abuse, Projection, Surface-Level Media Analysis

If your comfort character exhibits any of the following symptoms:

constant brooding

face frozen in a perpetual scowl

possession of a "dark past" they don't like to talk about

frequent blank stares into the middle distance

constantly trains for something uncertain

You may have just found yourself in the presence of a Perfect Soldier.

Perfect soldiers are characters who were groomed, often from birth, for the sole purpose of inflicting harm on their fellow man. These characters are efficient, tactically-minded, and above all else, violent. Perfect soldiers will often excel at combat and strategy, but struggle with emotional sensitivity.

Note that just because these characters are violent and closed off now doesn't mean that this is their natural temperament. Often, perfect soldiers have some kind of natural compassion that was stomped out through years of abuse training. This can come in the form of a sole loved one who tragically died, but more often than not, it simply manifests as a soft side sanded away.

If the Perfect Soldier doesn't start that way, who is to blame for their transformation? In sci-fi and fantasy, this transformation is usually caused by a morally corrupt institution built to churn out perfect soldiers (the Jedi Academy, the Galalunan Military Academy, the Space Marine Legions, etc.). Other times, perfect soldiers are groomed raised by a cruel and abusive father figure (Endeavor, Bro Strider, Belos, etc.). Some settings even blend the two by having an institution with a twisted general (think Shadow Weaver from She-Ra).

Typically, if a perfect soldier has a character arc, it's usually one of healing and letting go of their anger. This almost always contains at least two of these three steps in the order of your choosing:

The perfect soldier leaves the institution of their torment, either by circumstance or by excommunication. Once on the outside, they'll typically find that their raw might is irrelevant to their survival, and they'll instead need to rely on their lacking social skills. This exit from the comfort zone will prompt the soldier to learn a lot of people skills, typically leading to a "softening up" of sorts. Note that this doesn't have to be a literal escape from a physical place. Rather, it could just be a character being outside their guardian's zone of influence.

The perfect soldier discovers some imperfection with their guardian/institution. Perhaps there's some kind of inconsistency in its moral values. Other times, the soldier finds a secret the guardian/institution has been covering up. Whatever it is, this will prompt the soldier to question their leaders' infallibility.

The perfect soldier meets a person who shows concern for them in spite of the soldier's outward hostility. This outside party will likely witness or hear about the perfect soldier's tumultuous upbringing and take pity on them. This will likely prompt an attempt to reach out to the soldier, something which may or may not be rejected. Whatever the case, this act compassion will likely stick with the soldier, and prompt them to think about their own worth.

An arc like this usually resolves with a direct confrontation with the abusive mentor(s) who turned them into a weapon of war. If the soldier is a member of the supporting cast, this may come in the form of some heroic self-sacrifice, usually to protect the aforementioned outside party. Alternatively, if the soldier is a protagonist, their confrontation will likely be much more active, and may even be a proper fight. The soldier tends to win this fight either with the power of friendship or compassion but this isn't a strict requirement. If the writers really want to get spicy with it, they might even spare their tormentor, really leaning into the idea of abandoning violence (note that this runs the risk of coming off as a "forgive your abusers" narrative).

Alternatively, the lack of a grand confrontation can be a form of narrative resolution in and of itself. Living well is the best revenge, after all, and showing that our former perfect soldier has moved on to a happier, more peaceful life can be a far stronger statement of growth than a glitzy fight to the death.

(This is the part where I tie this whole thing back into the gimmick of the account. If you just wanted a Trope Talk style summary of the archetype, you've seen all there is to see. Thanks for reading, and don't forget to do your daily clicks.)

Why do you keep submitting this?

So, out of all the characters that I've seen submitted, this is easily the most prolific character archetype. At the time of writing, somewhere between 40-50 characters that have been posted roughly fit this archetype, and that's not including any of the characters I haven't posted yet.

Why do submitters connect this particular trope with trans women so damn much?

Firstly, it's important to consider that in most western fiction, the soldier is an inherently masculine archetype. From the classical epics of the Odyssey and the Iliad, to the superheroes and action stars of modern-day blockbusters, there's a very real conflation between a character's manhood and a character's capacity to do violence. A lot of mainstream military propaganda does the same, suggesting that men who enlist are more "authentically masculine" than those who don't. This archetype serves as a critique of that idea; it shows us that this masculine ideal can be, and often is, a soul-crushing experience. In a sense, the idea of transitioning serves as an escape from this image.

Furthermore, it's important to consider what this character arc is actually about: a miserable character discovering that a better life is possible, and making steps to achieve personal peace. Often, these characters are fiercely loyal to the institutions that take advantage of them. These characters are often fine with it because they can't conceive of a better world. Once that's presented to them, that's when they start to leave. Frankly, given that a lot of people still don't end up knowing about trans folks until they're adults, I'm surprised more trans people don't connect to characters like this.

Finally, this arc gets back to the core question at the center of this blog: could transition have saved her? The archetype, in its construction necessitates a level of misery, ergo it implies that the character needs saving. It's no wonder these characters tend to garner a lot of Hurt/Comfort fanfic (Anakin Skywalker alone has more Hurt/Comfort fic than some of my favorite fandoms period). There's an inherent desire for these characters have better lives, and maybe some estrogen could do it.

This is my best guess, anyway. If you have thoughts, feel free to share them.

[choerypetal]

Changing room / Sam Winchester

summary: Whenever you and Sam are out together, your curious eyes don't go unnoticed. This often leads to playful teasing, whether it's directed at others in your company or when you're apart. (Sam is 30 while you're in your mid-twenties.)

Author's note: I've noticed many fanfics to this prompt featuring Dean, but as a Sam’s girlie, I couldn't help but write one. xo

ps: english isn't my first language, so i apologize for any grammar errors.

enjoy! xo'

Sam didn't mind the age gap difference between you two. In fact, he relished the idea of women his age or slightly older showing interest in him. Or when he would see men your age doing the same. Today, the two of you were shopping for new summer clothes, with the focus on you. You vaguely recalled the conversation, when you knew Sam would be the lone male in the store, anticipating the possibility of playful interactions with other women. After all, who could resist his charm?

The woman, who seemed to be of your mother's generation, exuded a familiar flirtatiousness, particularly noticeable from her interactions with the kind of flirtation the Winchesters were used to. It didn't catch you off guard; rather, it made you smirk inwardly as you started to try on the skirt Sam had been eager for you to test. "What brings such a handsome man here?" she quipped.

Sam, ever the polite gentleman, nervously shifted on the cushioned seat as he awaited your return. His anxiety was palpable as he clutched the clothes you had selected for purchase, a gesture not lost on you. "For a friend?" She had inquired, her fingers idly playing with a lock of hair. Though hesitant to directly oppose her assumption, Sam simply nodded, a faint smile playing on his lips, as it shifts off to his usual cocky smirk. Anticipated your emergence from the dressing room, at any moment, eager to hear your thoughts on the skirt. 

You had been biding your time, patiently waiting for the right moment. It came when you learned of her single status, a fact she seemed to emphasize even more pointedly when her fingers "accidentally" grazed his thighs. It was as if Dean himself had possessed her, with the mirroring gestures and familiar phrases she effortlessly employed.

As you spun one last time, the delicate lace of the fabric caressing your skin, the woman's presence slipped from your mind entirely. Upon drawing back the curtain, you found Sam's unwavering gaze fixed upon you. His eyes traced the contours of your silhouette, from head to toe, betraying a desire both intense and restrained, a hunger he struggled to conceal. 

"Thoughts?" you chimed, a broad smile gracing your lips as your hips swayed playfully. Your fingers toyed with the hem of your skirt, a subtle maneuver intended to leave Sam weak-kneed and flush-cheeked. "I told you so," he quipped, his smirk mirroring yours. However, when his gaze shifted to the woman beside him, her expression shifted. Disgust mingled with shock as she comprehended what she had witnessed.

As Sam rose from his seat, a soft chuckle escaped his lips. You leaned in to peck his cheek, only to find his smirk growing slyer. His fingers grazed your skin as he discreetly adjusted your skirt, ensuring your modesty remained intact. It was a silent gesture of possession, a reminder that you belonged to him alone. "Wouldn't want to make the lady uncomfortable," he murmured, loud enough for the woman nearby to overhear. You feigned innocence, but her audible gasp betrayed her annoyance before she promptly rose and left the area. 

As you moved to retreat back into the changing booth, Sam's grip on your arm tightened slightly. Turning to face him, you couldn't help but pout in defense. "Such a pity," his voice was husky, his gaze lingering on your skirt as his fingers trailed from your waist to lightly grasp your hip, drawing you closer to his chest. "Can't I have a moment to admire it? After all, I'm the one who’s buying it." 

"No, not now," you shook your head, quickly brushing your finger against his bottom lip, a hint of desperation in your pout as you hoped to avoid catching the attention of any store employees. You were aware of Sam's desire for a moment of intimacy, even willing to whisk you back to the changing booth for a private rendezvous. But meeting his gaze with a smirk, you proposed, "Let's finish up here first, then we can head to Baby's." Sam understood your aversion to public displays of affection. Though he had been careful not to push boundaries, he didn't want to make you uncomfortable. With a nod, he released his grip, allowing you to proceed with your task.

"Sounds good, babe," his reply was so convincing that he couldn't resist adding, "How about we warm up in Baby's, huh?" He edged closer, as if beckoning you towards the booth, but you teasingly pushed him away with a chuckle. "But what if Dean—?"

“Screw Dean,

I want you.” 

[triflesandparsnips]

So I was, as per normal, thinking again about Stede just collapsing into the cabin-kiss, and like-- we talk a lot about how Stede had just killed a guy, he was maybe not in the best headspace for sexy times, but--

in looking around for a kiss gif (AS PER NORMAL), I saw this one too:

...and I've been wondering and wondering about that face, right? Stede's face. A bit silly, kind of the embodiment of "smiling helplessly", a phrase that sounds bad out of context but usually appears when someone is just absolutely delighted by the existence of something-- or someone-- doing something ridiculous and amazing...

And it occurred to me that: Stede went to hide in his room so he could freak out, right? He's used to hiding, or trying to hide, how he feels when it comes to the childhood trauma stuff. And he's used to literally hiding in his cabin unless/until someone approaches that he has to mask back up for-- we see that all the way back in the very first episode of season 1.

But that night? The person who approached was Ed.

And not there asking him to be 'the captain'. Not telling him to 'man up' about the killing thing. Not even asking him to be the Romantic Lead or the Lost Love Return'd, roles Stede had been eager and wanting to play but just. not right now.

It could've gone wrong. Stede didn't say "come in"-- he didn't say anything at all, just opened the door, maybe expecting-- god, what he's gotten before, every single other time his entire life--

And Ed... changes the script.

He doesn't step in, doesn't break Stede's boundary, doesn't ask for anything from Stede. He just wants to see if Stede's okay. And more than that: By providing his own feelings about killing his dad, he's letting Stede know that, for the record? Stede doesn't have to be okay.

So... so for maybe the first time that Stede can remember-- or at least maybe the first time we see on-screen-- Stede is hurting, and. And someone comes to comfort him.

No ulterior motives. No quid pro quo. No requirement that he feel one way or another, be this or that kind of person.

Someone-- no, not just someone, Ed, who knows Stede, who's seen him and understood him and could ask so much from Stede if he wanted to-- just sees that he's hurting, and wants to help.

And like-- have you ever felt that kind of kindness? It's heady enough when it's a stranger. But when it's someone you know, someone you care about, someone you trust (hope, pray that you can trust) to hold the delicate, vulnerable heart of you--

Fuck, okay, that face, that silly face, that face that says nothing but looks like it's about to cry and to laugh and it's heartbreak for the past that never felt that kind of comfort and wonder for the person who made it possible in the present and it all adds up to just smiling helplessly--

Listen.

They say that in musicals, songs happen when a character's feelings are too strong for mere dialogue to contain.

I say that in this moment, Stede's actions aren't because he's addled from the kill, but because his feelings-- what love can mean beyond "romance", what it does, what it gives, what it allows, what it makes possible-- rise up and over and wash his hands against Ed's jacket and twist them both to the wall, and then, and then--

just collapse him into that warm embrace, where all the hundred thousand words he could try to find to explain what this love feels like can, for a short while at least, be transmuted into a form that can say them all at once.

[angelic-dew]

Hi!! I don't mean to be a bother, but could I possibly request rengoku and tengen (without wives and separately done!) smut hcs please? I understand if you don't do it! stay healthy 🤍

# smut headcannons !

✧༉‧₊˚୨ 💌 ୧・author's note :: sure anon! I hope these are okay, I'm not the best smut writer qnq also! sorry for the huge delay, I've been lacking motivation lately. when I get tengen's part done, I'll update it here!

✧༉‧₊˚୨ 🍫 ୧・pairing :: Uzui T. x afab reader [not completed yet.] ⁞⁞ Kyojuro R. x afab reader — {you/your pronouns | separately done}

✧༉‧₊˚୨ ✖ ୧・trigger warnings :: mentions of female and male genitals. dirty talk. daddy kink. praise kink. size kink. biting. hickeys. slight mentions of rough sex. semi-public sex. fingering. raw dogging. spanking. ⁞⁞ 18+ content, children dni please. proofread.

𝐊��𝐎𝐉𝐔𝐑𝐎 𝐑𝐄𝐍𝐆𝐎𝐊𝐔.

꒰🔥꒱. I see Rengoku being into praising his precious lover in bed {consciously and subconsciously he does it}, he is a cinnamon roll after all, and a total sweetheart as a whole. Our beloved Umai King would also be extremely cautious with what he says; always taking into consideration your every action and signals with how you're feeling in bed. This time is precious to him and he takes it very seriously, always muttering phrases and short words of adoration and encouragement for your full enjoyment. Whispering ever so softly in your ear, always singing your praises to his heart's content.

꒰🔥꒱. Back in the Era Demon Slayer does take place in {1912-1926 || Taisho Era}, condoms did in fact exist, however, I believe Kyojuro prefers to go in fully raw for maximum pleasure as your walls tighten around him. That can translate to him wanting to prepare you a bit to take his entire length properly and with ease. He takes pride in prepping you, taking his time and lubing his fingers with some oil to make the process much easier.

꒰🔥꒱. He begins slow and gentle, soft to the touch; always treating you like some sort of dainty, delicate piece of porcelain throughout the process. Checking up on you at every moment as lewd cries of contentment escape from underneath your lips.

꒰🔥꒱. The flame Hashira does have a somewhat "rowdy" side to him. The thought of being able to do the deed with someone he loves ever so much really gets the blood flowing, to certain areas of course. So even though he's such a gentle sweetheart, he can still be rough in some subtle ways at times.

꒰🔥꒱. These can include bite marks along your body — hickeys and even light bruises peppering your breasts and neck; a few sprinkled along your collarbone area as well, as a finishing touch. It depends on what exactly is being done, but, he does tend to leave a few playful bite marks along your inner thigh area while giving you oral.

꒰🔥꒱. Because, let's face it, you know he's eating you out like there is no tomorrow. Rengoku is the Umai King after all, it's no surprise he can take that same talent of eating sweet potatoes and do the same to you, instead this time, he's eating out something that's definitely better than any food. He would ultimately prefer to give oral rather than receive, your needs come before his, always!

꒰🔥꒱. Rengoku is definitely an ass guy, don't try changing my mind. I see him loving to hold it within his palms gently, something about it just feels so enthralling that he can't even begin to come to his correct senses when he sees you in doggy style. That alone will make him pounce on you with little to no hesitation. Regardless of the size as well, he doesn't really care how big it is, once there's enough for him to grip and drool over as he pleases, it'll be a true treasure.

꒰🔥꒱. Kyojuro seems like the type to have a liking towards things smaller than him, so those rules will definitely apply to his lover as well. Especially if you're a bit shorter than the average person, bonus points to you right there, it only makes his size kink worsen each time. He simply adores the fact you're so tiny compared to him, yet so strong and able to take each, individual inch of his meaty cock every time; it makes him feel a sense of endearment per se. His little person's ability to feel all of him, honestly, makes him melt for you.

꒰🔥꒱. An alternative take on his size kink would also be a size kink, but you're bigger than him. He would have just as much adoration and love for you even if you were taller than him in just height alone. The cream of the crop that really gets him going has to be when he actually enters your warm hole. He practically dotes at the sight of your expressions as you tremble under his soft, loving touch. Despite your size difference, you're still extremely tight and sensitive to the touch — the Hashira is indeed fond of that.

꒰🔥꒱. He would most likely have a huge daddy kink as well. Of course, he wouldn't exactly mention it upfront, he would be a bit embarrassed to do so. I don't think he knows he has one until you call him it while he's ramming himself into one time. When you called him that, it almost made him feel a sense of power, but moreover, if he were to be frank, he could've felt himself get harder inside you from that word alone. Rengoku would definitely want you to say it more often; I firmly believe he would even imply it in his words as well while whispering sweet nothings into your ear.

꒰🔥꒱. Sex position-wise, I see him having a preference for wanting to have a view of your angelic face while also being able to please you to the fullest, of course, there are a few exceptions like doggy style, but here's some in line with his preferred liking. So, mating press, missionary, cowgirl {reverse cowgirl at certain times}, g-whiz and the seashell, to name a few. Ideally, Kyojuro would like to do it in a place of privacy so he can focus on you and you primarily, always putting your needs first. However, if there ever came a time when you wanted him urgently, he wouldn't hesitate to take a risk. Whether that be behind a large building or a bathroom stall for a brief moment to have a quickie.

꒰🔥꒱. As I stated directly before, he has a particular fondness for ass, specifically yours, rather than anything else. So out of impulse he would spank you or leave slight bruising along your waistline as he holds onto you.

꒰🔥꒱. He doesn't spank you hard, it's usually a simple small slap, but from the moment you start asking/begging for more, just keep in mind, his normal sweet demeanour will change to something otherworldly; trust me, he will not hesitate to give you what you want by any means. Whether that being you want him to be rougher, harder or even leave more marks on you, he will make sure you're satisfied down to the last touch.

© yandere-smoothie :: please don't re-claim or translate my works without permission! <3

[ghoulphile]

I absolutely love ur fics!! And I want to write fics of my own soon (not for fallout yet..) can u give me any advice/tips? How do u try to write down the characters as accurate as possible?

Aww thank you so much!!

That's awesome, I'm glad you're getting into writing ❤️

I'm more than happy to talk about what works for me; however, no two writers are alike so some things might resonate and some might not.

Take what does, and leave what doesn't.

Read - a lot. Published works, fanfic, poetry, novellas, series, oneshots, longfic; read it all. Explore different genres and storylines. Find what you like about them, and what you dislike. What makes them good or bad in your opinion. Play around with what you'd do differently if it was your story. All of this will help you figure out a few things: one being what you personally like in storytelling, and two the basic structure of storytelling/what makes it compelling.

Find your voice. We all have a unique tone when telling a story, verbally or otherwise. Figuring out what your personal voice is will help you write authentically but also I can guarantee you're going to be 10,000x more happy with what you come up with.

Showing vs telling is a delicate balance. Sometimes things need to be written out plainly, and other times it works better if you add more meat to the sentence. An example would be: she's angry vs her heart rate pulsed in her temples, her fists shaking at her sides as a wave of heat rolled through her body. While they both convey the same thing, one can be more engaging to read over another.

Sometimes you have to write the boring bits - and write them plainly - to further the plot.

Most people are not a walking thesaurus, and using big fancy words like you're writing a dissertation can be very off putting. Absolutely use stronger words if you can, but you don't need to be using furfuraceous to replace scaly.

Additionally, forward momentum: one action should always lead into another which leads into another and so on.

A first draft is never pretty (if you decide to do multiple drafts) and that's okay.

If you get stuck, go back several sentences. Sometimes we write ourselves into a corner without realizing. OR add what you want in brackets and move on if you're getting hung up on certain parts. An example being something like: He was [find word for mix of angry and sad] but had to stiffen his upper lip and move about his day as if [insert phrase mentioning what happened earlier]. Worse case, put it down for a day or so and come back to it later with fresh eyes.

As mad as it makes me, and as hilarious as it is... writing in Comic Sans helps. RIP.

Saying your sentence out loud can help you figure out if something is off, and saying your dialogue out loud can help determine if it's something an actual person would say.

Taking your time and being patient is the best thing you can do for your creativity otherwise you might burn yourself out.

I find music helpful so I create playlists for every fic I write that matches the vibe I'm going for. Additionally, I have pre-writing rituals that help me get into the headspace.

Yes, cryofreeze your darlings - put them somewhere safe for later. You can use those sentences for something else, they don't need to be completely deleted.

As for keeping characters... well, in character, it depends. Watching/listening to/reading whatever media they're in and paying close attention to the words they say + how they say them + if they have any specific phrases, the way they move + their actions + how they react to things helps a lot. Personally, I keep little lists of things I've noticed that I can refer to if I need them. And sometimes, you just have to suspend your disbelief a little and determine how someone might react to the particular situation you've put the character in. When it comes to that, I tend to think back on when I've been in similar situations or have felt the way they should in that scene, and use how I've reacted as a touchstone.

Write what YOU'D want to read.

And most importantly, HAVE FUN.

I hope this helped, nonnie~!!

Happy writing, you've got this 🥰

[acourtofthought]

Hey there! I've been thinking about something lately and I'd love to have your opinion on it as someone who usually has great takes about this series..

In ACOWAR we have Feyre saying this to Lucien: "You fit into the Spring Court as little as I did Lucien. You enjoyed its pleasures and diversions. But don't pretend you weren't made for something more than that."

I get that this was foreshadowing of what we would discover later on about Lucien's heritage. A sign that maybe Lucien's future indeed will be in a different court (Day Court) and not in the Spring Court. And even though I would love to see Lucien living happily in the DC this worries me a bit considering that we also have this:

"Her sister's delicate scent of jasmine and honey lingered in the red-stoned hall like a promise of spring."

"But Elain...The Spring Court had been made for someone like her."

"He made this one for Elain. Since it was winter and she missed the flowers."

All the spring and flower imagery associated with Elain, and specially the 2nd quote, lead me to believe that her future will be somehow heavily connected to the Spring Court, who knows if SJM doesn't make her the next High Lady of the SC even (you know.. all that talk about the HL title being able to go to someone outside the bloodline).

We have a Lucien whose future doesn't seem to be in the SC (in a forever sense) and an Elain whose future seems to be in the SC. As an Elucien I don't really like that 😅 What do you think?

Hello!! I do see the point you're making except Sarah turned it all around again. Lucien was always meant for more and it's clear to see he was the one who kept things running in the SC more often than not. We're told that the people of Spring looked to Lucien first to set the example which means there was no higher position for him within the court, nobody else he could work for since he already worked for the HL in what was the most important position after Tamlinsomewhere. So Feyre thinking he was meant for more than what he was doing in the Spring would almost have to be followed with something along the lines of "You enjoyed its pleasures and diversions. But don't pretend you weren't made for something more than that" because what else could she have said? "You should have been HL of Spring!" Sarah is never that direct. Just as the Suriel said "stay with the High Lord and live to see everything righted" and we all assumed it meant Tamlin though in truth he was referring to Rhys. It wouldn't make sense for Feyre to think Lucien could ever become HL of Spring so I believe her phrasing had more to do with the author hinting that Lucien should have always been a ruler somewhere rather than following the rule of another. I think it's important to remember that Feyre is also not the expert on Lucien and his history with Spring. She'd known him all of what, a year? Her only experience with Lucien in Spring was during Amarantha's reign and then after UTM when they were all struggling to find their footing. She was not there to see what Lucien's life had been like the first century, two centuries, (three centuries?) that he had lived there which means it's not really for her to say whether Lucien should be in Spring or not. The part where Sarah turned that around though is what we're told after this conversation between Feyre and Lucien, how he did miss the Spring Court and though working for Tamlin didn't work out the way he imagined, he had hoped for it being something different. To me means there is still the possibility for Lucien and Elain to turn it into what he'd always imagined because if anyone could the Spring Court into something special it would be them. He has shown how much he does care for the court through all he's done for it, for the fact that he continues trying to help it's High Lord through his depression (which would benefit it's people), for the fact that he allows the NC to station him there though he knows he's not really being embraced. It was what, long ago, he'd once thought life at Tamlin's court would be." An ache like a blow to the chest went through him. "I do not belong in the Autumn Court. And I'm willing to be I'm no longer welcome at h-the Spring Court." Home, he had almost said. "I don't have anywhere else to go. You ruined any chance I have of going back to Spring. Not to Tamlin, but ot the court beyond his house. Everyone either still believes the lies you spun or they believe me complicity in your deceit." To me that indicates that Lucien has unfinished business in Spring, that he does feel sadness over not living there no matter Feyre's thoughts on it. It's not that Sarah doesn't speak through other characters at times but in this case I think it's safe to say that Feyre's words should be taken with a grain of salt consider it's not but a few paragraphs later that she thinks, "I'd do it mostly to keep Elain from ever going to the Spring Court." Feyre is not impartial enough in regards to the Spring Court for me to believe that she knows best when it comes to Lucien. There's also the possibility that Elain and Lucien will spend time in Spring helping to turn the court around (which means the hints for her and Spring would still be valid) but their end destination is Day. There's a lot of possible clues to work with and a lot of directions that Sarah could take them both but whatever she does, she's clearly set them up to be together while doing so.

[patchwork-crow-writes]

(Resend because i got the order wrong aldjfakfj)

Hey there! So you know the official art of Ralsei titled "Floralsei" where he's surrounded by flowers? I've been interested in the possible symbolisms behind these flowers and wanted to share a bit of my analysis with you haha. (I know there's a chance that merch isn't canon, but we also get "Weird Route" foreshadowing through the Line Stickers, so who knows? ¯_(ツ)_/¯)

In the picture, I think we can identify several flowers such as 1. "Red Roses", 2. "Lily of the Valley", 3. "African Violet" , 4. "Hibiscus",5. "Snapdragons" and 6. "Forget-Me-Nots". (link to pic: https://imgur.com/a/NXAs1jv) I'll try to list the symbolism of each one here…

"Red Roses": These flowers are placed prominently in the center, forming Ralsei's scarf and adorning his hat. While they appear as dark pink in the artwork, I interpret them as representing red, especially considering Ralsei's default scarf is called the Red Scarf. Red roses are traditionally associated with romantic love, which aligns with Ralsei's one-sided affection towards Kris.

"Lily of the Valley": This flower symbolizes purity, happiness, and sweetness. It carries diverse symbolism and is often used in various settings, such as weddings and religious ceremonies, to convey messages of hope, purity, and the joy of new beginnings.

"African Violet": (I'm not entirely certain about this, but the shape seems to resemble the flower in the pic…) This flower signifies loyalty, devotion, and faithfulness. In addition to representing faithfulness and fidelity, African Violets can also convey admiration and respect, especially when given as a token of high esteem.

"Hibiscus": Often associated with beauty, femininity, and delicate charm, the hibiscus is known for its stunning appearance and vibrant colors. It symbolizes delicate beauty, youthfulness, and a sense of joy.

"Snapdragons": These flowers embody both deception and gracefulness. According to legends, their unique appearance with "dragon mouth" shapes can represent deception, while others view them as symbols of grace and openness. (Deception seems particularly fitting considering Ralsei's mysterious nature and the secrets he keeps from Kris and the others.)

"Forget-Me-Nots": These flowers serve as a clear reminder of the phrase "Don't Forget." (It reminds me of Ralsei's Line Sticker where he's depicted singing "Don't Forget.")

Let me know if I made any mistakes, and I would greatly appreciate any feedback you have!

Oh, I didn't actually know about this! Some Ralsei fan I am, lol :P It's very pretty though, I've just seen that it's a print on a T-shirt, which I'm now sorely tempted to purchase because of how good it looks! Thanks for bringing this to my attention, it's appreciated :)

Moving on to your analysis of the different types of flowers... there's not too much I can really add here I feel - flowers and their meanings are sadly not my forte. However, a lot of the meanings you transcribed here do definitely relate to Ralsei and his character. Of particular note is the Snapdragon and its allusion to "deception" - as you rightly state, our favourite fluffy boy is definitely withholding crucial information from everyone, both about the plot at large and his own character.

You know what else caught my eye, actually? I'm just checked because I wasn't sure if I was misremembering, but Lily of the Valley is actually poisonous, and can cause skin irritation if touched directly, and its berries can cause serious harm or even death if ingested. It's a stretch, but applying this to Floralsei (what a name, by the way!) you could perhaps posit that whatever secret he's keeping, it's so dangerous it might cause irreparable damage if it were to ever come out. Or perhaps it's a warning - he may be pretty, but get too close and you'll get hurt.

With that said, however, I don't actually think Ralsei is secretly malicious or anything like that. My current theory is that he's not telling us stuff for two reasons - one is that he's directly serving the narrative by revealing pieces of vital information at critical moments in the story, as evidenced by the dramatic reveal of the Roaring and the Titans JUST before Berdly creates a new dark fountain in the cyber world; and the other is that he is trying to protect his friends from information that they might find distressing, and/or won't be relevant to them unless the worst case scenario happens (which it's obviously gonna... but I digress).

I'm sorry I couldn't really add any more to this discussion, because it is quite fascinating! I'd be quite interested to see what others think, if any further insight can be provided on this topic!

[thefuchsianeko]

More voice claims, and more characters this time around

I was gonna try to do all my Olivia characters I have so far, but a handful of them were proving difficult to figure out, so I decided to go with what I already had. If I can figure out the rest, I'll have a part two for this one.

Voice notes under the cut, copy-pasted from the video link:

(sorry if some are a lot shorter than the others, I have more to say about some of them than the rest... just know I stand by my choices for the most part lol)

Olivia Wolfgang - Tara Strong (Unikitty - UniKitty!): This was another one that in my mind was "specific yet vague" (still don't know if that phrase makes sense but), but I kind of figured it out? The thing with Olivia's voice is that I don't want it to be too annoying, but it still has to be the right amount of childish/excited. A lot of possible voices were either too high or babyish, or not childish enough. Since one of my biggest inspirations for her as a character was Spongebob (who is voiced by Tom Kenny), I supposed that a voice done by someone like Tara Strong could probably work, and I've found that her voice for Unikitty is the best example so far. However, one thing I need to mention is that I do imagine Olivia having a slight lisp. (Another one of her biggest inspirations is Larry the Cucumber from Veggie Tales, who has a lisp-- and if I were to direct someone voice-acting for Olivia, I'd probably tell them "like Larry the Cucumber but more girly," lol.)

Kevin Hyenadae - Dana Carvey (Garth Algar - Wayne's World): Garth has always been the voice I imagine for Kevin, again since Garth was a big inspiration for him. A very specific, awkward kind of voice. He sounds exactly like this tbh.

Dusty Carol - Tara Strong (Raven - Teen Titans): Another instance where I've always heard an OC this way (though I don't think Raven is much of an inspiration for Dusty's character beyond "both of these characters are goth-girls with purple in their colour-schemes."). A good balance of uninterested-goth who can still show positive emotions (there are plenty of examples of "goth-girl" voices that are way too monotone for my liking, at least in reference to my character.) Also don't get distracted by the fact that the examples I've used for both Olivia and Dusty are the same voice actress (Tara Strong), these are merely examples, rather than, "this is exactly the people I would cast if this was a cartoon with full voice-acting." It is kind of funny that they're the same actress here, though.

Audrey Hyenadae - Fryda Wolff (Penny Crygor - Warioware: Get It Together!): She should sound confident, maybe TOO confident. Very determined, too, and a little rough perhaps? But still young (she's 12c LOL.) I also considered Pepper Anne's voice for her, but I thought it sounded a little too old.

Parfait Brulee - Toni Barry (Snork Maiden - Moomin): Parfait's voice should be very light and delicate, kind of feminine and very nice. Not much else to say!

Laramie Lemon ("Lemon") - Melissa Altro (Pippi Longstocking - Pippi Longstocking (1998)): I'll be honest, I had a lot of trouble finding Lemon's voice claim. I knew she should sound real friendly, with an air of confidence. A real go-getter! But eventually I thought Pippi Longstocking's voice fit well enough. (Don't be surprised if one day I come back and change this one LMAO)

Tami Kachiyama - Michaela Dietz (Amethyst - Steven Universe): Kind of rough sounding, kind of rude but not too much. I think I've always imagined her sounding like Amethyst.

Ellie Gibson - Olivia Olson (Marceline - Adventure Time): She should sound really cool, and pretty chill. She knows what she's doing! Another one where I've always imagined her with this specific voice! I did consider Wendy's voice from Gravity Falls, but I found that it wasn't chill enough. (btw I could've included a snippet for singing, since Ellie is a musician who sings, but I decided I wanted more attention for a regular talking voice. You can look up any Marceline song from Adventure Time if you want an example.)

Conner Oakley - Rickie Sorensen (Arthur - The Sword In The Stone): Another one that was harder to figure out. But, I knew he should sound a little friendly and very kind, maybe a little awkward. There were a couple of voices I considered, but found they were a little too loud, or rough, etc. But I thought Arthur from Sword In The Stone was a pretty good fit! The only thing is that he should have a southern accent, too... But it's surprisingly difficult to find voices with American-Southern accents that aren't girls, rude-sounding, or fully-grown men lol. (I'll also tell you it was a bit hard to compile the voice lines for this one because Arthur has like three different voice actors in that movie lol, but I think I found lines from just the one va.)

Sally O'Dylan-Gaterson - Jo Firestone (Annie Fantasy - Teenage Euthanasia): Nerdy, nice, shy-sounding, with a bit of a lisp (though I don't have a preference on the severity of said lisp.) I also considered Gretchen from Disney's Recess, but she sounded too smart/sophisticated? Sally is nerdy, but not that much academically speaking.

Danny Squiggles - Arin Hanson (Max - Game Grumps' Sam & Max playthrough): Ok uhhhh this one's kind of funny. The idea for his voice was originally inspired by Jon Lovitz's Tommy Flanagan character from SNL (I know very niche lol), especially since he was partially inspired by that character. But, I thought that, while it would be EXTREMELY funny, I thought Danny should sound less like a fully-grown adult. Surprisingly, when I was casually watching Game Grumps' let's-play of Sam & Max, I found that the voice Arin did for Max let's play would fit pretty well. I also considered Meowth's voice, but he just sounds too much like a cat, yknow?

Margot Nodarobutte - Stephanie Anne Mills (Lindsay - Total Drama Island): Margot should sound like a girly-teenager. Kind of air-headed, too. But not too much? And not like a valley-girl. I thought Lindsay's voice fit those parameters well.

Chloe Lovebird - Colleen O'Shaughnessey (Crystal Flowers Snagrash - Psychonauts): Somehow it was hard to figure out Chloe's voice, but I got it eventually lol. She's gotta have a high voice, and she should sound pretty annoying. I mean, her annoyance-factor should rival Olivia's, lol. Very excitable. She's a parrot after all, lol.

Debbie Xander - Brittney Karbowski (Black Star - Soul Eater): Debbie is LOUD and ABRASIVE. She tends to yell. Very in-your-face, but not exactly mean. Also, I think she might sound a bit androgynous? Idk how many people would consider this particular voice androgynous-sounding, but eh.

Cammie Kharma - Lara Jill Miller (Libby Stein-Torres - The Ghost And Molly McGee): Cammie was another hard one, though I thought she should sound kind of nerdy and a bit upbeat. Also a slightly nasally voice would probably fit, what with her little horn-nose 'n all, lol. My first idea for the voice was actually Juniper Lee, but looking up the voice actress I found this role she did in The Ghost and Molly Mcgee, and thought the attitude of Libby's voice was a better fit.

Edward Tennyson - Todd Haberkorn (Death The Kid - Soul Eater): Ed's got that anime-type voice yknow. He takes everything too seriously and is pretty sophisticated. My first consideration for his voice was actually Haku from Spirited Away, but I thought that sounded TOO serious (though a very deadpan kind of voice could be pretty funny if executed right.) So I remembered Death the Kid from Soul Eater and thought that could work pretty well, though I might want him to sound a tiny-bit less goofy.

Liz Lawrence - Brigette Lundy-Paine (Billie Logan - Bill & Ted Face The Music): This was another hard voice to find, though I still had a good idea of what I wanted her to sound like. I wanted to find a Pauly Shore kind of voice, yknow? (I guess you'd call it a "stoner-type-of-voice" but that seems wrong to say about a 14-year-old LOL) Though most of those kinds of voices you find are boys. Some voices I found were just really chill, TOO chill and cool in fact. While thinking of Bill & Ted I remembered Face The Music and the fact that their kids in that movie were basically copies of them lol, and I thought Billie was a very good fit.

Vic Kilgore - Nathan Sharp (Damien LaVey - Monster Prom): Ok so my idea for Vic's voice was just, "like Nathan Explosion but a kid." Rough, and like... metal, I guess. But he's still an annoying kid. Thought Damien LaVey fit, although I think Vic wouldn't be so loud. (as a bonus, when Vic grows up he sounds more like Nathan Explosion lol)

[mathmusic8]

The Bad Batch Season 2 Episodes 7 & 8

Le gasp--it's Star Wars Wednesday and I almost forgot! And we have two episodes today?? Must be good!

Is that a Pantoran on the thumbnail for episode 7? Are we finally going to see our beloved Senator Chuchi like the trailer promised???

Very excited to find out!

(spoilers under the cut)

79s!!

...this feels significantly less lively than usual

Slip, Cade--clone names

Ohh Cade honey, I get where you're coming from, but this won't end well

...is that Crosshair?

Mm, I feel like Crosshair wouldn't have missed 

...I don't want to make light of this moment, but those were the fastest pulse checks I've ever seen in my life

Seriously? They blamed losing Kamino on a storm?? 

Yeee Bail!!!

CHUCHI!!! CLONE RIGHTS!!!!!! (this is so much fan service--I love it <333)

Rampart, put your long pointy nose back in the slimey corner where it belongs

You go, Bail <3

Wow, Mas Amedda actually had more than 2 lines of dialogue

Chuchi canonically goes to 79s <3

Wait--waIT WAIT WAIT IS THAT DOGMA

Y'ALL

Y'ALL

DOGMA IS HERE

THAT IS KRIFFING DOGMA

AANDHSUSNABCIANSBDHAUAKNFUDIASBAHAHAHDBHDHAHASBHS

...I think?

It's possible that this guy just has really similarly placed scars...

And okay, his voice doesn't sound quite right for Dogma...

...eh, I can headcanon whatever I want

Chuchi giving them the "you'll still have a life after war" talk T.T so much fan service

Is it just me or are clones in this episode either clean shaven or have exactly one style of beard that looks like Gregor's? Must be a fad XD

Slip is CT-0409 (aw, that's only a digit off from Echo T.T)

She's meeting with Rampart right after that?? Riyo, are you crazy?

Oh? Who's Slip calling? Money's on Rex, but it would be fun if it was someone else

Riyooooo be caaarefullllll!!

HE KNOWS THAT SHE KNOWS

RIYO WHY DID YOU DO THAT

The memorial features quite a lot in this series. Not that I mind <3

Hmm, I spy a blue R2 unit who is not our Artoo

Riyo understands binary <3

Yeeee Organa poking at the stupid, stupid logic of Kamino being destroyed by a storm!

...I'm so torn about this sniper y'all. He has some of Crosshair's mannerisms, but then why to vocoder?

Eaaasy Slip

Oh good

Slip is smart--I like him

Aaaaand there goes Slip. Dangit y'all

Riyo's guard is a good shot

...was a good shot. Oh he's still alive. Mm, not for long.

"I'll be right behind you." Sorry, boyo, no one believes that

Dramatic face reveal of.... REX YAY

He's not in armor anymore? Eh, poncho looks better this way anyway

Second dramatic face reveal of... not Crosshair! Hah, called it!!!

Not a trooper? What do you mean, Rex?

Oh YES WE GET TO QUESTION HIM

Aw, it's Rafa and Trace's garage

"a believer"...? uh, okay. In what? Order 66?

Oh yikes dangit boy why you gotta do that

-- Episode 8 --

Omega's meditating :D

"You wanna try?" Cute <3

"I had enough of solitude." Awww, Echo

Noooooooo Hunter used "ask" as a noun T.T I know it's a common turn of phrase these days, but my poor little grammar heart just about imploded 

Ah, so Rex is sending them to get data from the ship. ...does he not know the Bad Batch were literally there

Ahh, right, they're deserters. At least they called it out

Okay, but that log would've been wiped--oh right it's a backup log. ...still don't think that would've worked, but fine

Omega's going with Riyo? Okay

So. Much. Fan. Service. Just look at that Star Wars poncho as a disguise <3

Admiral Rampart's nearly aggressive "Senator Chuchi" XD

...Rampart what're you planning

Bail and Riyo constantly glancing back at Omega XD

Ahh, so the ex-Kaminoan senator is still around

Ohhhhhh craaaaaap she's gonna recognize Omega

Omega nooooo this is a delicate situation, you can't just say things like that--

...oh, so it wasn't a catastrophic mistake? Okay

These close-up shots of the kaminoan's head and neck are kinda unsettling haha

Awww Echo want to help Rex so much

Was that a tiny background massiff I saw? <3

Hanging onto a shuttle while in flight--Noice. Not the most practical, but noice

Rex: "He's still not better with heights?" Echo: "This is him better." XD

Course it couldn't be easy. I guess otherwise it wouldn't be fun :D

"New plan! 14, 5, 86" "All of them?" "YES" XD

See, that's why the Bad Batch actually succeeds half the time--they don't go in without a plan because they're unprepared. They have plenty of plans and implement them as needed

Rampart looks a tiny bit out of his depth in this senate session XD

Organa to save the day <3

I reallllllly hope they actually looked at the data first to confirm it's what they're looking for--oh look, it's fine

So... how does this not solve everything again?

Oh. That's why. The emperor's here.

Ah. Palpatine turned against Rampart. Sleemo

NO

PALPY DON'T YOU KRIFFING DARE TURN THIS ON THE CLONES

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

YOU DISGUSTING BALL OF SLIME

The music really makes this moment appropriately sinister

Welp. We knew it wasn't going to end well

AHHAHAVFHSJWBDUDVEUSBSUEJE OH MY HEART ECHO'S STAYING WITH REX T.T 

BUT POOR OMEGA TEARS EVERYWHERE

They better hug--oh good they do

Gah my heart

Alrighty, that's the episode! So much happened here!! So much fan service! Possible Dogma cameo! Two whole episodes of Riyo and clones rights content! Echo leaving the Bad Batch! T.T

Wonder what Crosshair's up to...

[bonesandthebees]

Making an analyasis even tho im so bad at them:)

When Ranboo was talking to Techno, even with how it was phrased it sounds as more a spying way, i feel it stared that way and ended up something more.

is it possible jack is also a "spy" i dont think so cause they have a different relationship than phil an wil, and when would he find the time to report? hes with wilbur all the time?

Ye wilbur is definetly gonna be staying on Zephys IV i just can feel it in my bones

Again, the "spying" isnt in a bad way and im feeling like its just grown into more than that, when Phil starts calling wil "little bird" it passed the line of manipulation on his part, phil gets a distant look in his eye because he knows he has gone too far for his original plan to work. Also, fuck you phil i want my happy sand duo, also fuck you wilbur i want my happy sand duo.

Techno is both a really simple character and a really fucking complicated one. He has something he is doing, and he is really straightforward on the path and about what he is doing. He is the character who would say "yes i was spying on you" and phil would try to make it seem better.

I looked a bit back on the chapters trying to figure out exactly when the spying started and i think it was around chapter 10, when ranboo really started getting the info, it was likely even earlier but thats when they started going for that.

hey, at least crimeboys realized they're both fuckin idiots "maybe we could have been communicating like this the whole time" WELL DUH! /hj so that makes up for some of the heart shattering

with wilburs whole drowning symbolizes my mental state, i want to point out that Philza is the "Ice King" which is frozen water, i feel like that really shows how phil is teaching him how to walk over the water in a metaphorical way, it just shows exactly why wilbur is drowning in the recent chapter, the ice that was so delicate but strong enought to walk on has broken, and thats exactly how the trust is. its so fragile and easily broken, but one revelation has just shattered it.

Phil has shown wilbur a new side of him (like him flying for the first time?) and while he may have started as trying to manipulate him, he got dragged in too deep.'

Can you tell i like the water metaphors? hehehehehhehe

one thing i wish i could see was more of the crimeboys mom, i just feel like there is something else there? i wish i could delve into her backstory cause i can feel the little bits of relevance in there. You keep bringing her up for seemingly no reason, and i just think its something you are gonna us to bring in more backstory.

Amazing as always and while my heart is shattered and broken and the trust i have in you has broken just like wilburs, i loved it so much. I hated it too tho /j

now im scared tho:)

-👑

a lot of this stuff is theorizing so I can't comment on it, but very interesting analysis for sure!! also, yes, techno is both very simple but really complicated at the same time. he doesn't play the manipulation game the way phil might, but that doesn't mean he's an open book either. it's a careful balance to strike and it's why he's so hard to predict

ranboo was instructed to start trying to befriend the brothers to get information out of them pretty soon after the first time he met them. I'd say the first time I wrote his dialogue with the intent that there was something more to what he was saying was around chapter 8? so yeah, you can start casting a more critical eye to everything he says right around then.

oooo that's a really interesting way to view the ice vs water metaphors!!!

also I've mentioned this in a few asks in the past, but I don't want to bring up more about crimeboys mom than I have to because I don't like including full fledged ocs in fics. I only bring her up because her role is necessary to explain a lot of why the brothers are the way they are (especially wilbur) and if this wasn't a fanfic I would definitely have her as more of a character, but she's just an oc for this and I don't want to shove that in my readers faces when they came here for fic, not original content, so you're not going to get much more backstory on her than what we already have.

i'm so glad you enjoyed!!!

[pipperoni32-blog]

A Northern Light in Provence

by Elizabeth Birkelund / 4 stars

I did wonder a few times as I was reading this one if I would finish it. It's very much a love letter to a language I don't understand, so there was a sense of missing out over French phrases or passages.

There are authors I've really enjoyed that have been translated to English, and while a part of me understands the undertaking this must be, I've never stopped to consider what the life of a translator might be like. Ilse's love for a language not her own leads her to want to stay true to the original work, to try and lose as little of the author's intention as possible. A translator friend of hers disagrees - she thinks that the translator must make themselves known, not hide behind the original words.

When Ilse's dream of visiting France comes true, at first she worries if she's too unrefined for the experience. A girl left behind by the death of her brother, who has spent her life amongst the harshest of elements in Greenland, who seems to take up too much space for the delicate landscape.

She wasn't expecting her connection with the Poet, who's work she is translating. Not his way of seeing the world, of poetry, and her.

I found myself drawn in by Ilse's transformation but was eager for her to return home. Her experience in Provence was a beautiful dream, and the life she left behind is demanding. Strong willed people, brutal weather and a harsh landscape, there was beauty in her home as well. I felt she would have forever been missing a part of herself if she stayed in Provence, though the pull to that place was very strong as well.

I often think of myself as a character driven reader. It's rare for me to find a place that provides just as strong a character as the people that live in it.

Thank you to NetGalley and the publishers at Random House for the ARC!

[brokenmusicboxwolfe]

People do the same to me

I've been called autistic as a reason even though I'm not diagnosed. But also even if I was, what difference does it make. Why would it be a bad thing?

As I get older I try to be more tactful but it's not my nature I am just very blunt. I don't mean it in a bad way but people think I'm doing it deliberately to cause trouble or am rude hence the autism classification as apparently this is a feature of autism to be so. I just keep quiet now and try not to engage in discourse or debate because people just feel alienated. It's always me at fault even if they're airing opinions that are disgusting like racist stuff. But just average discussion ends with me upsetting someone most of the time. As a teen and young woman it wasn't too bad but people get older more intolerant.

Sorry to be replying to this so late. I had intended to answer the next morning, but life had other plans.

Yeah, I agree, why would it be a bad thing? I have been diagnosed with anything, but I certainly am wired oddly. I figure the label for it doesn’t matter. I’m just going to be me either way, and as long as that isn’t hurting anyone it shouldn’t be a problem.

How you describe yourself sounds a lot like my mother. My father used to try to remind her to use a bit of tact, because it would never occur to her. She was never trying to upset someone. She wouldn’t do chitchat, and would just say what she thought. Conversation was for exchanging information or ideas, and all the fiddly stuff around judging the individual, the mood, and so forth so you can phrase things “right” was blind spot to her.

I know people that years later are STILL offended by something she said, and it’s exasperating. It wasn’t what she said but how she said, as you say, bluntly. When people say to you over and over “Your mother once said to me…” it’s tiring. But that the things they find so horrible aren’t horrible at all, and that the only difference between what she said and what I have said to the person is wording it gets upsetting.

Suppose someone said a very blue sky was green, Mom would say “No, it’s blue” while I would say “It’s interesting how everyone’s eyes see things differently. It looks very blue to me.” The person would be upset with Mom and not me, yet we would both be saying the sky is blue.

I get why you try to avoid discussions with the possibility of turning contentious. I get very uncomfortable myself. I may not be blunt like Mom, but I’m honest. People hate honesty if you don’t wrap it up with so much wool they can’t even see it. And if you hide the truth of what you are saying too much, then doesn’t it stop being the truth?

Well, the “good” news is that if you get old enough people will just shrug off your bluntness as being “an old woman”. The bad news is, people tend to write off anyone they perceive as an “old woman”. Mom said said she could be a great spy because people didn’t see her at all once she was past a certain age. Of course, her bluntness would totally have been I liability!

I wish human emotions weren’t so delicate, not delicate like glass but delicate like trying to tap dance through a mine field.

[wjforever]

Shatter me again. Chapter 83

Adam's strike sobers me up a bit and brings me back to the harsh reality. I started to weaken my defenses too early. I shouldn't do this at all.

"Give me a towel and something cold, damn it," roars Kenji and grabs his nose. He's too wounded to get to the bathroom by himself.

Adam is in no hurry to help him, and neither am I. I softened not because of Kenji, but because of myself. But I still don't like this person at all. I didn't like him when he was just a voice. I don't like him now either.

While Kenji continues to resent and presses the hem of his/Adam's T-shirt to his nose, Adam takes my hand and pulls me into James' bedroom. With a sharp movement, he slams the door shut and turns to me.

"Tell me something." He says and looks at the ceiling, sighs heavily. "Tell me anything."

I'm trying to calm him down, grab his hands so that he looks at me again. My touches are gentle, delicate. I think they have to tell him a lot. Because touching is still something very important to me. Almost intimate. I think it will always be this way.

"Adam. I know you wanted us to run away. But Kenji can bring a tail not only because of the tracker. He was bleeding. Even if all his words are true, it's unknown where and what traces he could have left. And we can't just go nowhere right now and try to get to the place you were talking about, hoping we can do it. We can't prepare properly, stop to take more needed things, try to build temporary housing. It's too dangerous to make a nest when kites are hunting over our heads. We can't just take James and go nowhere."

"And what do you suggest?" He speaks roughly. "What should we do then? I can't take that risk. Kenji could be lying, it might be a trap… I've always tried to shield James from all this shit…"

I don't know what to say to him. Pain boils in his eyes. He tries to say something else, to find words, but seems to change his mind, and then he tries again. "I didn't even tell him about our father."

I think this is the first time Adam has decided to talk to me about this. He had always avoided this conversation before. And this is very important to me. Although I'm afraid I won't be able to find the right words to show him how much it matters to me.

"He doesn't know him?"

"I don't think he remembers him. Father almost completely disappeared from our lives before James grew up. And in those rare moments when he was around, I tried to keep James away from him. Sent him somewhere. I never wanted him to go through that. I made up stories for him. I wanted him to have a chance to be normal. I didn't want anyone to touch him. I don't want to screw him up. God, I can't let this happen."

I understand what he doesn't say. He doesn't want his brother to go through the same thing as he himself. And what I was so afraid of is happening to me. I can't find the words. If I had been given a piece of paper and a pen, I would probably write many, many words and phrases and sentences. Maybe a little messy and understandable only to me, but still… But talking to a person, looking at his face, and not with a blank sheet of paper, these is completely different thing.

"I feel like I'm losing. No matter what I do, it's never enough," his voice becomes a whisper. "Because there is chaos around him, he is surrounded by cruel people. He encounters things everyday that I can't control, and I haven't even been around him for so long. I couldn't explain anything to him, comfort him, protect him. How to protect him from all the horrors of our world? From all these people… dead… So many people, Juliette… are dead"

If it were possible to carry words in a backpack and get them out as needed… But I don't have any stock. I don't know what to say or do in such a situation. So I just touch his face. He takes my hand in his palm, kisses my fingers. Honest, kind, modest, sincere, open. And he's so confused.

"I don't know what to do," he says, and it's like a confession that costs him so much more than I can understand. Control is slipping through his fingers and he’s desperate to hold on. "Tell me what to do."

I'm looking at his long eyelashes. I think I'm just now noticing how long they are. Like a reed framing a deep lake with the most serene waters. I'm swimming in this lake, I want to swim in it endlessly, but I need to float to the surface, in the cold, cruel air. I need to say something to him because he needs me more than ever before. Now he needs me, and I have to repay him.

"We don't have many options. If we just go nowhere, then there is a risk that we will be caught in the end, because we are in plain sight and it's not at all a fact that we will be able to hide quickly. But what's worse is that we may just freeze, it will be difficult for us to find food.… As for Kenji… What's the point of him leading us to who knows where? If he wanted to turn us over to Warner, then all these additional steps would be completely unnecessary… Do you trust him? I mean before, did you trust him?"

"We didn't have that much contact. And you?"

"I don't think he's lying about knowing a place we can go."

"I'm not sure that's a good idea…"

"Why not?"

"What if the people he's going to take us to are even worse than Warner?"

I get cold just thinking about it. It makes sense, but still…

"What other options do we have?"

"I would like to be only with you."

"I know. But we should at least try. To see where it might lead us. Look, you trusted him before, remember? At least once. He knew you were in my room, even though it was forbidden. But he didn't tell Warner anything."

"God knows it's not out of the kindness of his heart and not out of loyalty."

"What other reasons could he have?" I ask.

"Oh, that's simple. Do you know what they say, Juliette? Let sleeping dogs lie. No one wants to mess with Warner without reason. If he found out that one of his personal soldiers was breaking the rules, everyone would pay for it. Everyone would be checked and the one who handed over the culprit in the first place. The Reestablishment loves those who rat out their enemies, but doesn't like those who try to find more benefits for themselves. They are careful about it. And those who are smarter understand this perfectly well. So he did this not for us, but for himself. After all, he understood me because he also wanted to be in my place."

My face is twisted in a grimace of disbelief.

"I don't think it's such a great place to work, guarding a person who can kill with a touch."

"Oh, you don't even guess. It would be much better for Kenji than most of our assignments. It's enough for him that you're female. As well as for the majority of soldiers."

These words of Adam make me uncomfortable.

"It's disgusting."

"Yes, it is."

I frown, but I'm trying to look at things more mundane. Maybe I don't need to always look for noble motives in everything? It's high time to understand that sometimes people just pursue their own goals, sometimes quite dirty and base.

"In any case, what he can offer us now is the best option. We ran away from Warner, didn't we? What's to stop us from running away from a new place if we don't like something?"

Adam smiles softly. And then he lets out a sad laugh.

"There's another problem."

"What is it?"

"I might kill him before we even get there…"

"Then the problem of choice will cease by itself, and we will improvise on the fly." Adam chuckles, and I give him a sad but encouraging smile. "We will try to find another option if we get the opportunity. When we get the opportunity. In the meantime, we just need a place to wait out the storm."

"Yeah, maybe you're right. Okay, let's do it then."

"Hey, what the hell are you doing there?" Kenji shouts, and then knocks twice on the door with his fist. "You are not alone here, have at least a little decency. Besides, it's not the best time to get naked, guys. It's not that I'm against nudity, it's always cool. But if you don't want to be killed while you're naked, get your asses over here."

"Can I kill him right now?" Adam asks me.

"I can do it myself." I laugh, feeling myself blush at Kenji's words. I want to hide my face and Adam is the best place. So I stand on my toes, take his face in my hands and kiss him softly. "I love you."

"Yeah?" he says in a low, hoarse whisper.

"Absolutely."

"Shall we go then?"

"Mgm."

We leave the room and Kenji looks at us suspiciously. 

"Oh, can you walk by yourself already?" Adam says mockingly and Kenji rolls his eyes.

"You've never carried me, even though you could. Bridal style would look so romantic."

"Jerk."

"But the charming one."

Their bickering never stops. Meanwhile, the three of us are trying to pack up. More precisely, rather Adam is trying pack things that haven't yet been packed. I just ask if I should take a first aid kit from the bathroom with us and when Adam answers in the affirmative, I occupy myself with this little task. 

I can see how hard it is for Adam to pack his brother's stuff. Because we can't take much, but every trifle could be important to James. All this, a reminder of home.

Even I find it hard to leave this place. This could be our home. It looked as close to it as possible. And I can't imagine how hard it must be for Adam to leave this modest space. He put so much effort into creating a cozy nest for his younger brother. My heart breaks just looking at his desperate face.

Kenji is the complete opposite of Adam. He examines his body, assessing the newly acquired bruises and abrasions, looks around in a lively rush. He's oddly resilient and upbeat. It really amazes me, almost scares. I'm used to seeing much more tense, angry people around. But nothing, it seems, could hurt Kenji. I don't know any other person, not that I know many, who would be so happy about a bullet in his leg and possibly broken ribs. It seems to me that nothing can discourage him, and I can't help but admire his determination. I would like to be able to react to difficulties in the same way.

The only thing that really pisses me off about him is that he won't stop staring at me.

My task couldn't take me much time, no matter how slowly I tried to complete it. And while Adam is busy, Kenji turns his full attention back to me.

"So how come you can touch our sullen friend?"

"I have no idea."

"Oh, come on," Kenji snorts, and I shrug. "But at least did you touch him first or did he touch you? Which one of you couldn't resist? Or was it some sick experiment or some shit like that?"

I don't want to share with Kenji such details that seem very personal to me. In fact, I could easily tell him that it was all just an accident. Because that's the way it was. But I want to keep this for myself. And I don't want him to ask any more additional questions.

"Tell me more about the place where you're going to take us."

"Why are you changing the subject? Maybe we could try it too, huh? Don't you want to touch me as well?"

I refuse to look at Kenji. I'm playing arrogance, but I'm actually terribly ashamed. I already wanted to believe earlier that maybe one of the soldiers would turn out to be like Adam, but this didn't happen. And I would never risk touching Kenji.

"You don't want me to touch you."

"Maybe I do?" I can hear from his voice that he's smiling.

"Get off her if you don't want to have no legs without a bullet hole."

"Hey, why so rude? You guys should take a some sedative or something. Why shouldn't I, a lonely person, try my luck and make a move? The girl definitely likes it, and it may be interesting to me. Let the lady speak for herself, come on."

"I'm not interested," I quickly intervene.

"Take your time, that's all," he points to his face again, "is not permanent, so take your time with the answer."

I see Adam running his hand through his hair. His usual gesture. He's agitated, annoyed, maybe even disappointed. I wouldn't mind him interfering again, but he doesn't.

"I said I'm not interested. Not now, not ever later."

I would like Adam to clarify the situation, so that he tells Kenji that we're together. But he doesn't, and I can't say it first myself. 

What if he doesn't think so? Maybe our confessions don't mean anything and don't mean that we are only available to each other. Maybe he doesn't want anyone to know that we're a thing, that we're a couple. Couple. I don't even know what it is. How do people behave after they confessed their love to each other?

Kenji doesn't back down. He continues to say something about his face, about his incredible beauty, which, of course, will again be available to all mankind. That life turned out to be unfair to him at the most inopportune moment, when he really needs his face.

Eventually Adam breaks down, and at first I think he's angry, but instead he laughs dryly.

"Hey, buddy, do you have something against my face?" Kenji asks with feigned resentment.

"I have something against you."

"But we were cool, why got you a bug up your butt?"

"I can't even remember why I interacted with you at all. And why do I continue to tolerate you now."

"Maybe because a strong male friendship and trust can't be broken by anything?"

"Rather because I trust her."

Kenji abruptly turns his head to me and tries to smile with his battered face.

"Wow, so you trust me? I knew it would work out for us. Rejection at the beginning, then trust, there are just a couple of steps to the ardent passion. It sounds like the beginning of some amazing romance novel."

"I can add a little drama and shoot you," I say irritably.

"Sounds tempting." He plays with his eyebrows. "You know, I like it when you threaten me. I don't even know why myself."

"Maybe because you're an idiot?"

He shakes his head. "Nah, it's something about you. Your voice. Do you know that you have a very sexy voice? And you make everything sound naughty."

Adam flies up to Kenji in the blink of an eye and Kenji tries to back away from him, although it's pretty difficult for him. 

"Quiet, doggy, quiet. Good boy." He looks at me. "Don't you have some bone to throw to the doggy?"

I see Adam's furious expression and purse my lips. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but it makes me laugh. This whole situation is really ridiculous. But I also understand that Kenji with his idiotic remarks makes me feel more relaxed and calm. He behaves so undignified and defiant that it automatically makes everything he says seem frivolous. And for some reason my rudeness and arrogance don't bother him at all and don't offend him. I realize that I'm starting to like this game. I like the confidence it gives me.

Kenji stands behind me to prevent Adam from getting to him, and crosses his arms over his chest.

"Kent, calm down already. I'm just messing with you, that's all. I like seeing psycho chick get all intense." I turn my head at him, raise my eyebrows and threaten to step aside with a barely noticeable movement. "Hey, it's a compliment, of course. All this psycho kind of works for you, you know?"

Kenji gives me a sly smile and winks. But Adam is not soothed or amused by his words. It drives him crazy.

"What's wrong with you?" He says, clenching his fists.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" For the first time I hear annoyance in Kenji's voice, and it seems curious to me. "Everyone is so uptight in here, one can go mad."

Adam starts pacing around the room without any specific purpose, sighs, squeezes the gun in his hand.

"If it's all because of your brother, then relax. The guy will be home soon. And he'll be fine. The kids even love things like that."

"I'm not worried about my brother, I'm trying to decide whether to shoot you here or taking you outside first."

"You still need me," Kenji says, yawning slightly and falling onto the sofa. His face immediately distorts from another wave of pain. "Oh, fuck, I shouldn't have gone so far." He grunts, and then looks at Adam again. "You still need me, remember? The painkillers you have is kind of real crap, you know. Is there anything stronger?"

Adam doesn't have time to answer. We hear the front door open. 

James returns home.

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[beomeli]

That Invisible || C.BG

Warning: none

Genre: angst, wingwoman, unrequited love, heartbreak

Non-idol!Beomgyu x fem!Reader

~Requested~

•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•

A quiet sigh escaped your lips. Your delicate finger slightly tapping on the wooden table impatiently. Listening intently to the loud chatting inside the warm and cozy café. The once warm coffee was now cold, the cup half empty.

Suddenly, the bell rang indicating that someone opened the door. You turned your head towards it, seeing a panting Beomgyu. His eyes scanning the entire café before seeing you, a small smile forming on his lips along with concerning eyes. quickly he made his way towards the table, taking a seat across from you.

"I am so, so sorry!" He said as he continued panting, it was obvious he was stressed. Even his red cheeks indicated it.

"Seriously, again?" You said, visibly upset by his action. You had waited for almost an hour, contemplated on leaving multiple times, but you knew you couldn't.

"I woke up late and the bus driver was so slow due to the weather-" he kept going on a long rant about his misfortunate morning.

"Next time just, give me a call.. okay?" You said, trying to calm him down. You knew he was sincerely sorry, Beomgyu has always been a very sensitive and sincere person. But the annoyance was still there, knowing that he could commit the worst crime possible, and you'll still love him.

He let out a loud sigh,

"It won't happen again, I promise" his soft, warm hand was now on top of yours, giving you a reassuring and familiar touch. His long fingers stroking yours.

You looked up at him and gave him a nod, along with a sweet smile.

"Okay.." was all that needed to be said.

——

Exiting the café, the two of you made your way towards your school. First period was around 30 minutes away and the walk at hand was about 20 minutes. Which gave you time to talk even more.

"Oh no, I forgot about Mr. Lim's assignment!" Beomgyu suddenly blurted out, you scoffed at his forgetful manner.

"Why are you acting like this has never happened before? You always forget assignments!" You said teasingly as you lightly pushed his shoulder.

"Ah shut up." he shot back, along with a chuckle. His smile was sweet, showing of those cute faint dimples of his. You couldn't help but stare at him, Giving him a big smile back. He was always making your heart flutter, especially when you were all alone. But it was just a mere crush, nothing that would be noticed, or answered. You knew him from the back of your hand, and you knew he never saw anything more than a friend in you. All his past relationships, crushes and girl talk proved it. And all you could do was pretend, neglecting the fact that you had strong feelings for him, and supporting him even though it tore you open. It made you mad and hurt on the inside. But you couldn't be mad at him, he was all too sweet and loving for you to be mad. You were only mad at yourself for being so stupid and idiotic. Falling for someone you had zero chance with is the definition of stupidity, and still you fell into that pit.

"Sure sure..." was all you could say as you looked into the pavement, crossing your arms.

It was quiet for a bit, comfortable silence. Since it was still considered late morning, cars and people were walking around, either to their jobs, maybe they had lunch time. But still it felt like there was only you two alone. All you could hear was your own soft heartbeat, along with his quiet hums. It was this aura that you always felt around Beomgyu. His warm and soft smiles along with his sweet demeanor. You wished to stay like this forever.

But the feeling got cut short when he started a sentence you most definitely didn't want to hear.

"By the way, you know this girl I've been talking about right?" With those words, the whole world became a loud mess, and the comfortable aura that you had created quickly turned to uneasiness. you knew that this conversation was bound to happen.

He had mentioned her before, saying how beautiful and nice she was. And when you realized who it actually was, your world fell even more. The girl he was talking about was your friend. well, kind of. And to his credit he was right. She wasn't the stereotypical mean girl, but the total opposite. Being very friendly and sincere. And as much as you hated to admit it, she perfectly reflected Beomgyu’s type. You wished you had the priveledge of hating her, wished that she was mean and unworthy. But she wasn't. She was your friend, and she was perfect for him, everything you weren't. Of course this didn't mean you exactly supported her in this situation. but you knew that you had to support Beomgyu. That's what true best friends are for.

“Yeah, what about her..?”

You pretended to sound interested, but you knew what was coming, you’d had this conversation too often.

“Aah.. this is a bit embarrassing..”

He scratched the back of his head a bit, looking down at the pavement, he was evidently embarrassed.

“Come one, what is it?”

“I know I ask you this all the time, so don’t get angry at me!”

Here it comes,

“Could you maybe help me out? You know, to get together with her?”

There you had it, at this point you weren’t even surprised. You were used to that phrase. Expecting it almost every time a conversation erupted.

“I mean I really like her so..” he trailed off, slightly swaying back and forward, anticipating your response.

You sighed, you did this towards yourself. And now you knew that there wasn’t anything to help you out if this situation.

“Sure! I’ll help you two get together..” your tone fell as each words passed, your eyes averting towards the ground, trying to avoid anymore eye contact. Beomgyu on the other hand, didn’t notice the sudden shift in behavior. His happiness occupying his mind too much.

“Thank you so much Y/N! You’re the best!” He jumped in excitement before giving you a tight hug of appreciation. His arms softly curling around your waist and his strength lifting you up lightly above the ground. If this was any other hug, you would gladly embrace yourself in his touch and gladly lean onto him. But this wasn’t like any other hug, not after you just had the worst conversation there is.

You knew that being a people-pleaser would lead to situations like these. And sadly, these situations came all too often. It seemed like Beomgyu loved finding new girls that he seemed to be “so in love with..” and then date them for a couple of months before moving on. Almost asking for help every single time. You were tired of the same pattern repeating itself everytime, and even though you were used to his begging for help, it never got easier to handle it. You've tried moving in multiple times, first boyfriends, then small dating and even hook-ups. Everything trying to fill your desires, but it never worked,

All you had in your mind was Beomgyu.

•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•

"Miss Y/L/N, I want to talk to you please." Mr Lim said as he leaned over his table slightly, signaling for you to come up to him. You watched as all the students left the classroom, before you took your books and walked towards his table.

"Yes Mr Lim.." you said, slightly shaking in your voice. You knew this was bad news, the look in his eyes said it all.

"Recently, things hasn't gone so well for you, you flunked your two past tests." He started, before placing your two latest tests onto the table. Both being marked with a big red F. It was almost cringeworthy seeing the heartbreaking results.

"You've always been our top student, what is the reasoning behind this?" He asked, his tone a bit harsh.

You thought for a moment, trying to find your words. In reality, work had been a real pain. And it didn't help that your mentality was at breaking point thanks to Beomgyu. He has been wandering your mind endlessly due to all the help you’d given him.

"I've just had a lot going on recently." You answered, knowing that the answer at hand was far from what he wanted to hear. He let out a dissatisfied sigh before leaning back against his chair.

"Well this isn't acceptable.." he looked at the papers once more before crossing his arms, it was obvious he was thinking about what to say next. And your heart quickened, fearing the worst.

"You’ll have to do better in the next test! Or else your grade will drop dramatically which I assume you would be very displeased with.”

“Study well for the next test, You may leave." Quickly you nodded before exiting the classroom in a panicked state. You were a bit relieved that he let you off the hook, but still disappointed about the fact that your grades had been dropping dramatically. You cursed yourself once more.

You tried easing of your mind as you made your way towards your locker. Students were chatting, laughing and walking around. Suddenly you felt a soft touch on you back, you turned around and there he was. The reason for your downfall.

"Hey!" As soon as you heard his voice and saw that beautiful smile you couldn't help but smile back.

"What did Mr Lim say?" He asked, leaning against the lockers next to yours. Quickly you opened your locker, taking out your books for the next class.

"To be honest, I don't know how to tell you this.." you were obviously embarrassed about your dropping grades, you've always, as Mr Lim said, been in top of your class. And these news would be the start of endless and endless teasing from not only Beomgyu, but everyone.

"Come on... tell me, tell me!" He begged as he leaned closer to you. Playfully you pushed him back giving off an sarcastic eye roll. He let out a small chuckle before continuing to bother you.

“It’s nothing.” You turned to your locker, digging out the book for your next class. As a thought came to your mind. You glanced back at Beomgyu who was still leaning onto the locker, a small pout on his lips as he was visibly dissatisfied with your answer. You hesitated a bit, but decided to go with the decision.

“Actually.. could you maybe help me study a bit?” He turned his head quickly towards you, a bit surprised by the sudden question for help.

“To the physics tests you mean?”

“Yep..” you shrugged a bit, trying to sound confident.

He hesitated a bit, not really knowing that to say. You figured he was surprised that the supposed A-student suddenly needed his help. Sure, he wasn’t doing bad at school, you just did better.

He lightly and slowly nodded his head.

“Well.. I guess I could, Friday?”

“That would be great!” You gave him a appreciated smile, which he gladly reciprocated.

“Alright, that’s settled then.”

You were happy, you’d actually get to spend more time with Beomgyu, all the while you got your homework and studying done. It was perfect. You’d look forward to Fridays more than usual.

"Alright then, well I got to go, I'll text you later!" Was all he said before he jokingly pushed your shoulder and walked off towards his classroom. A small sigh escaped your lips, and you found yourself watching Beomgyu walking away. Like many times before.

However, your smile faltered when you noticed that you weren’t the only one eyeing him. A couple of lockers away, stood the girl that Beomgyu had fallen for. Watching him walk away intently and having the same loving gaze as you. Not even hiding the smile plastered on her face as she saw his figure disappear. Clenching her books harder around her chest as if she was holding her breath, like the tiniest sound would alert him and make him turn to look at her. You’d found yourself in that situation many times before, The only difference was that, he chose to appreciate her love. Not yours.

•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•

Before you knew it, questions and approval was all you heard from Beomgyu. Him constantly asking what to say and how to charm his lover. It was weird, you’d helped him so many times before, so why couldn’t he remember the former suggestions you’d given him. It was like his mind went on a total reset each time. He wasn’t dumb... for the most part. So why did you always have to be his wingwoman? it was exhausting. It felt like your entire friendship was built up due to his love concerns, even though that wasn’t entirely true. You knew he viewed you as a good friend. But your anxiety and sadness didn’t come to an end. It felt like an endless loop. And even though you wanted to get out, even though you knew this was unhealthy and absolutely tearing you apart. You couldn’t pull yourself to leave Beomgyu. He was your precious best friend, and you loved him so much. How could you just leave him? That would hurt you more. You just couldn’t.

You were at least excited over the studying sessions he’d promised. You appreciated his help. And you were mostly excited over spending more time with him.

You sat in the library, waiting for Beomgyu to arrive anytime soon. For the 10th time that minute, you checked your phone. The time was at '08:54' so you were a bit earlier than the planned time. This was of course nothing you held against since you needed more time to prepare for his arrival.

The clocked kept ticking, eventually hitting 9:15. You figured that maybe he was just running late again, you’ve been so used to that situation. Although something in the back of your head said that it might’ve been a different case this time. But you couldn’t leave, like many times before in the cafe. You never could pull yourself to leave. You always had hope for him to arrive. ‘just 10 more minutes.’ You always thought.

After about 30 minutes more you decided to take a leave. Class was about to start and you couldn’t just sit there to wait for him. He obviously wasn’t coming. You were disappointed to say the least. But what could you really do? Quickly you whipped up your phone one last time, when suddenly a text message from Beomgyu was finally received. You smiled as a small droplet of hope was evident. He was just running late, right? Well as soon as you read his message, disappointment overcame once again.

'Hey Y/N, ik it's pretty late but I'm going to have to cancel. I forgot to tell you that I planned to have breakfast with Suejin today! I'm sorry hope you haven't waited for too long, I promise I'll make it up to you!'

Your expectations were shattered, his promise was broken. And you were sad and angry at him for being so ignorant towards you. Why make a promise if you can’t keep it? You always helped him out when he needed it, but he couldn’t do the same. You felt so pathetic standing there alone and waiting for someone that never even intended to come. It was humiliating.

A part of you knew something like this would happen. You knew he didn’t prioritize you like you did to him. You were just a friend. Sure he cared about you to a certain extent, but never like he did to those girls. He knew that no matter what he did, you’d never leave him. Always fall into the same pattern of being used. You were angry to say the least, both at him, but mostly yourself. Because it was true, you would always go back to him no matter what he did. You knew that there was no end to it. You’d gotten so many signs to just leave him, to search for new friends. Every time you think ‘this is the day’.., the same thing always happen. You see those beautiful eyes and smile and you just fall right back.

This is pathetic.

•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•

Flopping onto your bed with a tired sigh, you turned towards the clock.

"It's almost midnight, dammit.." you said to yourself as you turned your head back towards the ceiling. 

Your boss had decided that today was a good day for you to overwork, and overwork you did. Supposedly, some rich costumers at the fancy bar you were working at was dining and being chatty, which led to you staying there 2 hours longer than usual, having to serve them and handling the bar. This eventually led to you missing the train, having to walk home a 1 hour walk. Finally arriving home at around 11:30 PM, which in hindsight wasn't that bad, but still you wanted to catch up on homework due to Mr. Lim's threatening talk earlier. Figuring that doing your homework no longer were and option, you tiredly moped towards your shower and thus you're now laying on your bed absolutely exhausted.

Fortunately for today though, it was a Saturday. Meaning that tomorrow you didn't have to worry about not getting enough sleep. You smiled at yourself as you laid comfortably in your warm and soft bed.

"I wonder if Beomgyu is already asleep.." you whispered to yourself, your mind wandering off. Imagining Beomgyu sleeping peacefully in his big, fancy bed. Him being all calm and cute. Probably wearing a pajamas and snuggling with a pillow like he always does.

You chuckled a bit to yourself as that image came to your head. After all this time, he still came to your mind, and you couldn’t help but have a sweet imagery of him even though he hurt you repeatedly. you’re still so awestruck by him, what did it have to take to just forget about him for once.

Your mind was brought back to reality when your phone suddenly started ringing, you checked the name on the screen.

“I guess he’s still awake..” you shrugged before answering,

“Hi” his voice sounded a bit tired, a hint of grogginess, like he’s being trying to sleep but couldn’t.

“Hey..”

“Were you sleeping?” He hesitated on his words, like he knew you were angry at him, but you didn’t dismiss him too quickly.

“Nope, I just got home from work.”

“Okay good, so I actually called to apologize.” You lifted an eyebrow at that, which you knew he wasn’t able to see.

“Oh, why?”

He paused for a bit, trying to find the right words.

“Well.. I felt really bad for leading you on with the studying and bailing on you like that. I knew you needed my help and I promised..” he sounded so genuine and precious. Your heart melted.

“So, I’m sorry for what I did.. I understand if you’re mad at me, but I get it. I just wanted to at least apologize.”

“It’s fine, I’m not mad at you or anything.. I was disappointed sure, but it’s whatever.” You couldn’t be mad at him, it was pathetic to say the least. You felt stupid, but you just loved him too much. It was actually ridiculous, that much you knew.

“Are you sure?”

“I’m sure.. it’s okay. Don’t worry.” You softened your tone, trying to sound genuine, which made him sigh in relief.

“Thank you.. You’re so sweet, you know that..” that was surprisingly flattering, Beomgyu has given you compliments before but, you still became surprised at his sudden sweet words. You couldn’t hold yourself from smiling at his words.

It was quiet for a bit, and slight shuffling could be heard from his end, but soon enough he spoke up again.

“So.. I have to tell you something.” He started, sounding very excited over what to say next.

“Sure, what is it?” You answered, smiling over the phone.

“Okay so.. Suejin actually broke up with me.” Your eyes widened at that, they broke up already? That was the shortest relationship Beomgyu has ever had, maybe he had finally realized... that..

“What? Oh- I’m so sorry.” Obviously you really weren’t sorry, instead you were happy that the conversation was through the phone because you knew you couldn’t hide the smile plastered on your face. But he didn’t need to know that.

“Well, it’s okay because the same day I got a message from Soo-ah and she asked me if I wanted to go to the movies with her!” Your smile faltered as soon as he said those words. What did you expect? That he’d confess? You felt embarrassed for even thinking that.

“Oh...” you couldn’t even hide your disappointment anymore, and you were sure that Beomgyu noticed. But he didn’t care.

Instead he continued,

“So, I told her yes! I was actually a bit sad over Suejin but Soo-ah is so much more pretty and funnier!” You could hear him chuckle a bit over the phone, you on the other hand held in your tears.

“Yeah, you’re totally right.” You tried sounding enthusiastic and happy for him, but as each words passed it ended in a flat tone and a quiet sigh.

“Since we’re going to the movies, do you have any tips on what i should wear and how to make a move?” As said, you never felt surprised anymore when he asked for your help. You had just accepted that that’s all you’re good for. You were nothing but his wingwoman.

As you looked down onto your phone, a droplet lightly hit the screen. Giving off a small sound of impact. Before you knew it, one more hit the phone again. And then one more. You felt your cheeks heat up as tears continuously fell down. Forming a streak that wouldn’t end anytime soon. Tiny sobbing escaped your lips as you tried holding yourself back, you didn’t want him to hear.

You were so disappointed at yourself for falling into the same cycle again. But you knew that leaving Beomgyu was not an option, you loved him too much. Whether you liked it or not. In the end, you just had to accept that your feelings for him would never get reciprocated, that his oblivious matter would stay the same. You were just a friend to him, nothing more, nothing less.

You were just that invisible.

•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•

A/N:

Hellooo! Em here, hope you liked this ff haha. God I write sooo much angst and unrequited love this is embarrassing :,)

I actually rewrote this like 3 times, since it’s my first request I figured that I would try to make it reach the person in questions expectations. I hope I did haha.

Also I were suppose to post Yeonjun first but I finished this one quicker.

Sorry for taking so long, senior year is harder than I thought.

I’ll see you later, bye🥰

This work belongs to @Beomeli on tumblr. Please do not trace or copy my work ©

[i-dreamed-i-had-a-son]

Can I just say Bones does not get nearly enough credit for how well he reads people?? Like, we all forget that he is not only a doctor, he's a psychiatrist as well. And not only is he insanely good at reading Jim, we also see him read and understand Spock (who is his opposite and with whom he frequently disagrees) and push him when it's necessary. It's Bones' words that make some of the most powerful exchanges out of all the 79 original episodes. Here is proof (and there's a lot of it):

Balance of Terror

Jim's doubting himself and is dealing with a lot of stress because of all his responsibilities and the burden of making decisions, and asks Bones, "What if I'm wrong?" This is an incredibly vulnerable moment for Jim, who always has to be strong, and when Bones starts to answer, Jim gets up and says "I wasn't really expecting an answer."

Bones immediately puts his hand on his shoulder, stops him, and says, "Well, I've got one." Completely unexpected by Jim. Bones starts off by saying "This isn't something I'd usually tell a customer," then gives the speech we all probably know, about how there are millions of possible earth-like planets, "but in all of that, and possibly more, only one of each of us. Don't destroy the one named Kirk."

Let's break down why this is so good. First, Bones lets Jim know that he sees how vulnerable Jim is being and that he's talking to Jim as a friend. He recognizes that Jim's identity is fundamentally tied to his role as a captain, and also acknowledges how deep Jim's doubts are going, and at the same time reminds Jim that he is the one in control of himself (something very grounding for Jim) and he is not alone (because Bones is supporting him). Most of all, he doesn't dwell on the vulnerability Jim's expressing, but encourages him to take action, which is Jim's natural bent. He perfectly adapts to how Jim functions and knows what to say to get him back into a place where he can do what he does best: lead.

The Ultimate Computer

Jim has been been feeling insecure and threatened this entire episode, because a computer may take away his role as captain. Twice he seeks out Bones for comfort. First, he tells him that he has concerns about the computer, but worries about his motives. "You have my psychological profiles; am I afraid? Of losing my job? ...Daystrom's right, I could do a lot of other things. Am I afraid of losing the power, the prestige? Am I that petty?"

Bones replies, "Jim, if you're self-aware enough to ask that question, you don't need me to answer it for you. Why don't you ask James T. Kirk? He's a pretty honest guy."

Breakdown: Bones responds beautifully by once again reminding Jim that he knows himself and is in control. That sense of confidence is all Jim is after. He also establishes earlier in the conversation that what Jim is feeling is not unusual and can be understood. Brilliant.

The second time Jim reaches out to Bones (this episode is my favorite for a reason), he's doubting his role even more intensely, having just been blatantly insulted and called useless (affirming his insecurities). He left the bridge, silently, by himself, and even Spock didn't follow him out. Bones knew he needed help and went to him, with some drinks (Jim initially responds that he's not interested in eating--coping by losing interest in food) and a joke and light-hearted attitude, so that Jim can feel comfortable expressing himself. Jim puts on an air of not caring (shutting himself off from his emotions) and says he's never felt so useless, and makes a cynical joke as a toast, "To Captain Dunsel" (the insult from earlier, meaning "unnecessary").

Bones stops him, looks him in the eye, and says "To James Kirk, Captain of the Enterprise." Jim says softly, "Thank you, Doctor," and when he downs his glass, Bones follows suit.

There's just so much good about this. Bones seeks him out even when he was trying to isolate himself because he knew Jim tends to distract himself and unhealthily repress things. And he doesn't let Jim get away with being blasé about how he's been hurt, but he doesn't force him to be honest either; instead, he lets Jim know he sees how he's feeling and how deeply he's hurt, and also reaffirms that Bones still cares about, respects, and most of all, believes in him. When Jim starts talking after the drink, Bones just listens and lets him talk, and when Jim responds to the call to the bridge, he follows him out. Back in action, and another job well done.

The Trouble With Tribbles

Just a brief point with this: Spock is just being silent here, which is typical for him. But Bones asks him "What's the matter, Spock?" seemingly out of the blue. Spock responds with, "There's something disquieting about these creatures," which means that he was feeling off, and Bones picked up on it. Bones then makes a joke ("Don't tell me you've got a feeling!") which lets Spock know that Bones sees what he's saying but isn't treating it as unusual (since the joking between them is their normal behavior). And when Spock continues talking, he hears him out (although it eventually degenerates into their typical spat).

All Our Yesterdays

Spock has begun degenerating into a pre-reformed-Vulcan version of himself. He gives up on trying to get back to their proper time and becomes irritable. Bones notices that something's wrong almost immediately.

He starts by asking about Jim (because he knows how deeply Spock cares for him), and Spock responds apathetically. This clearly shocks Bones, who then says "I don't believe it, Spock. It's just not like you to give up trying." When Spock doesn't acknowledge something's off, Bones presses him: "I understand. I never thought I'd see it, but I understand. You want to stay here. In fact, you're highly motivated to stay in this forsaken waste!" Spock deflects again, and Bones keeps pressing, which leads to Spock grabbing him by the neck and saying angrily, "I don't like that. I don't think I ever did, and now I'm sure." Bones simply looks him in the eye and asks calmly, "What's happening to you, Spock?"

Instead of hassling Spock about why he isn't doing more, he focuses on what's wrong with Spock himself, and he clearly has a deep understanding of who Spock really is. He starts by trying to get a feel for Spock's emotional state by going to ground 0: Jim. And he doesn't back down when Spock tries to blow him off.

Seeing that he's getting nowhere, Bones bides his time, and then starts something with Zarabeth, knowing Spock will jump to her defense.

When Spock pins him against the wall, Bones calmly says, "Are you trying to kill me, Spock? Is that what you really want? Think! What are you feeling? Rage, jealousy--have you ever had those feelings before?" Spock is clearly affected by this, and says it's impossible, since he's a Vulcan. Bones sees his opening, saying "The Vulcan you knew won't exist for another 5000 years! Think, man! What's happening on your planet right now, at this very moment?" Spock answers with the facts, and Bones tells him flat-out what's going on: he's reverting. Spock falls quiet, and says, "I've lost myself. I do not know who I am."

Bones is specifically structuring his responses (both here and earlier) to cause Spock to evaluate himself--to think, which has always has grounded Spock. Bones indirectly (so that Spock doesn't feel as threatened by the accusation) indicates that Spock's being too emotional. He wants Spock to see for himself that something's wrong, so Bones asks questions or makes open-ended statements so that Spock will have to respond. He also provides enough evidence (pointing out the emotions Spock is feeling) to prove he has a point and guide Spock towards a conclusion. He's talking Spock through it, using reason and logic, which Spock has always responded to. Bones' questions are also phrased so that the answers are objective facts--he's bringing Spock back to the verifiable, Spock's comfort zone. Finally, he does the analysis for Spock, telling him what's undeniably happening, but leaves the course of action open to Spock, so that he can regain control of himself by deciding how to proceed. Bones smoothly and logically guided Spock to the delicate realization he needed to have.

Of Bread and Circuses

Then of course we have this iconic exchange. Jim's been separated from the both of them and they are all in danger. Spock is pulling at the bars although he knows it will be futile.

Bones calls him out on this, and then thanks him for saving his life. When Spock brushes him off and keeps his walls up, Bones says, "I know why you're not afraid to die, Spock. You're more afraid of living. Every day you stay alive is just one more day you might slip--and let your human half peek out." Spock is silent and looks away, and Bones continues, now smiling slightly: "That's it, isn't it? Insecurity. Why, you wouldn't know what to do with a genuine, warm, decent feeling." His face makes it clear he's gently baiting Spock, who then looks back at Bones and says, "Really, Doctor?" Bones replies softly, "I know. I'm worried about Jim, too."

First thing: Spock's theme starts playing when Bones corners him. So we're supposed to get that Bones is really laying him bare. But starting from the beginning of the scene, Bones recognizes Spock's anxiety through his illogical behavior. He takes the time to thank Spock for saving his life, in an effort to remind Spock that he is competent and in control--basically, trying to calm Spock down and reassure him. When Spock refuses to deal with his emotions productively, Bones is having none of it, and shows Spock just how much he knows. He can tell Spock isn't worried for himself ("you're not afraid to die") but also is well aware of Spock's actual fears (which are coloring his current behavior towards Bones). Basically, Bones is saying, "this facade of yours can't keep me out. You're understood. You're not alone." Saying it in those terms, though, would just make Spock feel weak for unsuccessfully trying to mask his behavior, so Bones frames it as a gentle challenge. When Spock looks away, he can tell he's hit the nail on the head, and he smiles because he's getting through to him. His face as he says "you wouldn't know what to do with a genuine, warm, decent feeling" telegraphs to the audience that he's not actually serious, but is looking for a response. And he gets it--Spock acknowledges, as Bones had intended, that he is currently dealing with emotions. And that's where Bones wanted to get him, because now that he's admitted it, he can move forward; but Bones doesn't want this admission to go unrewarded, and definitely doesn't want Spock to go on believing that Bones meant what he'd said about not knowing what to do with feelings, so he again tells Spock that he understands what's really going on, but without challenge this time. He just accepts it and reassures Spock that he's not alone: "I know. I'm worried about Jim too." They're in it together, and now that Spock is a little more vulnerable, he's able to see that Bones is right beside him.

So that was a lot, but there is definitely even more. Basically, give Bones the appreciation he deserves, because his emotional intuition is off the charts. (After all, as he is so fond of reminding us, he is a doctor!)

[lalaangeldust]

[ 𝚝𝚛𝚒𝚐𝚐𝚎𝚛 𝚠𝚊𝚛𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐 !!! ] [ 𝚜𝚏𝚠 // 𝚑𝚞𝚛𝚝 𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚝 ]

𝐠𝐧!𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫 𝐱 𝐭𝐨𝐝𝐨𝐫𝐨𝐤𝐢 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐭𝐨

[ 𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧 𝐚𝐬𝐤𝐞𝐝 ] : HI! I loved your Sero fic sm!!! I've sorta had a really bad week, and was wondering if i could request a fic where the reader who self harmed had been clean for good while but relapsed and just broke down in front of todo or bakugou and it was just a lot of comfort cuddles and fluff or smth??? I understand that this can be a triggering topic so i completely understand if you don't want to!!

[ 𝗺𝘆𝗸𝗶𝗲'𝘀 𝗻𝗼𝘁𝗲 ] : I'm so glad you enjoyed my Sero fic, dear reader <3 I hope this finds you well and I'd love nothing more than to try to brighten your day and ease some stress a lil w/ some Todo comfort. I hope you like this as well~ :) <3

[ 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 ] : ʀᴇɢʀᴇꜱꜱɪᴏɴ // ᴘᴀɴɪᴄ ᴀᴛᴛᴀᴄᴋ // ʜᴀʀᴍꜰᴜʟ ᴛʜᴏᴜɢʜᴛꜱ

[ 𝐝𝐢𝐚𝐥𝐨𝐠𝐮𝐞 ] :

ʏᴏᴜ // ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ - ʙʟᴜᴇ

ᴛᴏᴅᴏʀᴏᴋɪ - ʀᴇᴅ

ʜᴏᴘᴇ ʏᴏᴜ ᴇɴᴊᴏʏ, ʟᴏᴠᴇ <3

·̩̩̥͙＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊·̩̩̥͙＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊·̩̩̥͙

┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊

┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ˚✩ ⋆｡˚ ✩

┊ ┊ ┊ ✫

┊ ┊ ☪⋆

┊ ⊹ ┊-

✯ ⋆ ┊ . ˚

˚✩

You stand in front of your dorm's bathroom mirror, your knuckles drained of color as you hold onto the edge of your sink in desperation to keep you grounded from your descending thoughts. Your head is pounding and the room feels like it's spinning around you so violently that you're convinced if you so much as loosen your grip, you'll collapse onto the hard tile beneath you.

Looking at yourself in the mirror, tear stains marking the side of your cheeks, eyes hazy and dull from the aftershock of the violent sobbing you had just finished moments ago. You don't know how or when you got here, nor do you recall exactly what had triggered you. The last thing surfacing to your memory is you sitting on your bed scrolling through your social medias.

With a deep and shaky breath, you bow your head down to your knuckles, your jaw clenching over and over causing your teeth to grind together as you try to calm yourself.

in

and out

Like how your therapist told you to...

But it's not helping. Those awful, terrible thoughts keep creeping into your mind and you don't know how much longer you can keep them at bay. With a silent scream you slam your fist hard on the sink, causing a loud bang to echo throughout your bathroom. Before you can do anything more, you hear the door next to you swing open. Incredibly startled, you shoot upwards and whip your head to the side.

Your met by the all too familiar gaze of the person in the doorway. Shoto is frozen in his spot, unsure of what to do or say at the sight of your blood shot eyes. The desolate expression on your face causing his chest to clench.

"I- I came in to check on you but I heard a loud noise and thought you might be in distress..." he says, looking at you intently, "Are you okay, y/n?"

That's it. That's what breaks you. The final string of control snaps within you as you collapse into the boy's arms, large tears pouring down the sides of your cheeks as you hide into Todoroki's chest, muffled sobs falling out your lips once again. You were not okay, not even in the slightest. Although Todoroki has never been the best at picking up other's emotions and cues, he can very clearly see that something was wrong. He goes to gingerly place his hand on your head in an attempt to comfort you before retracting, unsure of your boundaries.

"Is it ok if I touch you?" his voice low and soothing.

You nod fast against him and you immediately feel his strong arms wrap around you, gently squeezing you in close.

"If you want to talk about what you're feeling... I would like to listen and maybe... help you if I can... Though I'm not very good at it," he murmurs, stroking the back of your head in between each word.

Todoroki may not know what you're going through in the moment but he does understand how vulnerable you may be feeling, mentally, physically and emotionally. He's all too familiar with spontaneous melt downs.

You sniffle as you lift your head off of Todoroki's shoulder and you try to wipe your tears away. Shaky, inconsistent breaths and hiccups falling out of you despite your pitiful attempts to calm down. You look up at Todoroki, your mouth opening to say something, anything but the words simply never come out. Everything clogged underneath the awful lump in your throat. He gives you a sad look, not one of pity but one of concern. Genuine concern for your well being and what he could possibly do to comfort you.

Todoroki lets go of you and cups your face in both of his hands, rubbing your eyes with his thumbs to wipe away your tears.

"Don't strain yourself, y/n. I didn't say you had to talk to me, I was simply saying the option is open when you feel ready..." He reassures you, kindness reflecting in his eyes.

You place one of your hands on top of his, pressing it closer to your cheek as you nod into his palm. Your breaths finally slowing down as you melt into Shoto's delicate touch.

"Would you care to move to your bed?" he inquires, "I don't mind carrying you if you feel too weak to move,"

You lip quivers, tears threatening to burst out of your eyes again but for a very different reason. Your heart warms at Shoto's kindness and willingness to care for you. Completely unsure how to react, this kind of attention completely foreign to you, all you manage to do is nod with a painfully sad whimper. You wrap your arms around his neck and Todoroki takes that as an invitation to scoop you up in his arms. With him now holding you bridal style, he makes his way out of the bathroom and to your bed.

He gently lowers you on the soft surface and kneels near the edge of your bed. You look down at him, murmuring a hoarse "thank you". Todoroki gives you a kind and reassuring smile before hoisting himself back up. He turns around to leave, assuming you don't need him anymore but he halts as he feels your hand grip his wrist, urging him to say.

"Ple- please stay..." You say, "I don't want to be alone right now..." you say shyly, averting your gaze to your legs but not letting go of him.

"Of course. Um.. Do you- can I- uh," Shoto stumbles on his words, getting mildly flustered with how he can't figure out how to phrase what he wants to say.

You let out a quiet laugh under your breath, amused by his unusually flustered demeanor.

"I- I would like for you to come in the bed with me," you say, heat blooming on your cheeks from your request.

"That is er- o-only if you're comfortable... with it," You start to trail off with your last words, thinking you probably sound ridiculous.

Wordlessly, Todoroki lifts up the covers and slips himself underneath them and settles right next to you. You now facing each other, the dimly lit room barely illuminating your faces you shuffle a little closer to him.

"Is there anything else you'd like me to do?" he asks. His voice is soft and quiet, making you finally start to feel at peace.

"Is it ok if you hold me...?" you say, your voice hardly above a whisper.

Silently, Shoto wraps his arm around you and guides you to turn around. Your back now facing him, he pulls you into his chest and his face settles right above your head. With his arm wrapped firmly around your torso, you place your hand on his arm and you let out a deep sigh of relief. Feeling so safe, so warm in his strong arms, your worries and harmful thoughts gradually start dwindling away.

"Is this okay?"

"Yes, this is perfect... thank you," you reply, sleep tugging at your lids, the amount of energy you drained earlier that night catching up to you.

The rise and fall of todoroki's chest behind you, the thumping of his steady heartbeat and the sound of his even breaths sooths you endlessly. No longer able you fight off sleep, you give in as you're lulled into a deep sleep.

"Good night y/n..." Todoroki murmurs into you right before you completely drift off into the best sleep you've had in a long time.

.・゜゜・・゜゜・．.・゜゜・・゜゜

𝒇𝒊𝒏 . ✩