#i've been playing like daily for the past few weeks ! i think

[noxtivagus]

i've been listening to more of arknights' ost n i love it so much

[vettelsvee]

AFTERGLOW | Mick Schumacher

f1 masterlist | wattpad | ao3 | instagram

mick schumacher x vettel!reader

summary: mick's girlfriend knows that something's wrong with him. after talking to her dad and her stepmother, she decides to face her boyfriend.

word count: 2956

warnings: angst. bad language. mick being aggressive. use of y/n.

you can send your one shots requests here! feedback, as well as comments and reblogs, are truly appreciated!

If Sebastian's retirement announcement had hurt you, the way you boyfriend had been acting towards you, for no apparent reason, hurt even more. 

You were on you father's terrace, with your legs stretched out on a chair in front of you and the sun shining on your face as you watched the latest news about Taylor Swift. Beside you, Hanna was tending to her baby, who was in her arms playing with a small plush toy you bought her that surprisingly become her favorite. Sebastian appeared out of nowhere carrying a tray full of snacks and drinks, which he carefully placed on the table before immediately caressing the heads of the women in his life. The German sat beside his wife facing you, his eldest daughter.

As much as you enjoyed visiting your family for no reason, today's visit had a reason with a name and surname: Mick Schumacher. Since both of you had finally decided to start a romantic relationship, everything had been a bed of roses. However, the past few weeks have been hell. The boy's behavior towards you had changed radically. What used to be a daily routine filled with laughter, gratitude and support had turned into distance and avoidance, as if they you college students living together during the school year because they had no other choice.

Before starting to speak, you poured yourself some lemonade that Vettel had made hours earlier with her, and took a slight sip despite being really thirsty. You felt nervous as you began to initiate the conversation, but the warm looks you father and stepmother were giving you helped you relax.

"I need to share something with you," you began, "because if I don't tell someone, I feel like I'm going to end everything I've fought for all this time. Plus, I feel like you're the ones who can help me the most in this regard," you added.

The couple exchanged curious looks, not knowing what you were referring to. Any idea passed through Hanna's mind, while the Aston Martin driver could only think of the possibility that his little one might be pregnant. Hanna could see the panic in her husband's face; she simply placed her free hand on the German's thigh and gently caressed it, trying to calm him down. They shouldn't jump to conclusions too quickly, and that seemed to be what his wife was telling him as she gave Sebastian a glance.

"I've noticed that Mick has been behaving very strangely lately," you began to explain. "I don't know what's going on in his head, but we hardly talk, we don't usually go out of the house like we used to and... well, let's say we don't show as much affection to each other anymore," you said apologetically, trying not to get angry at the laughter your father was making. "I feel like the Mick I've known all this time has been just a mirage, and I don't know what to do about it."

Sebastian and Hanna exchanged knowing looks, and the woman let him speak first.

"Y/N, I understand what you mean, but you have to know the pressure Mick faces daily," the blonde explained lovingly. "Formula 1 is like that: it doesn't just drag you, but also those you love the most. Your boyfriend has many eyes on him, and as if that weren't enough, he bears the responsibility of carrying on his father's legacy."

The older blonde agreed with her husband. She passed the little one to Seb, got up quickly and sat next to you,now cry out of frustration, and started to caress your hair lovingly as a comfort.

"Your father is right, Y/N, and I have to agree with him because I've been with him for almost twenty years," Hanna commented. "Every person has a completely different way of dealing with stress. Sebastian used to yell at me every time he breathed, and look," she pointed at him, "here we are. Some people open up to anyone they meet, and others shut themselves off to avoid worrying those they love the most," she stated. "Just because Mick isn't like he was a few weeks ago doesn't mean his feelings towards you have changed. Sometimes, they just need space and a little time to silence the demons in their heads."

You nodded, taking a sip from the glass you held in your hands to calm your nerves. You let out a sigh you had been holding in for quite some time, worried about the possible reaction the two in front of you might have. They continued to talk about more trivial matters, and that conversation, although short, had been very meaningful, was set aside, although not for the girl, who continued to torture herself wondering what she could do to make Mick feel better while listening to talk about baby care and nurseries.

"Thank you, dad. Thank you, Hanna," you replied, getting up from your seat and looking at the adults. "I guess I needed the advice of someone who might have gone through the same thing as I am right now," you objected. "I promise I'll do my best not to despair anymore. I'll let you know when I know more."

The couple got up shortly after you, already heading towards the door, possibly to return to the apartment you shared with Schumacher. Sebastian, still holding the baby, opened the door, unable to say anything else. Hanna, on the other hand, smiled warmly at you and gave you a hug.

"Remember, we're here for you, sweetheart," your father's wife said kindly. "Communication is key in any relationship. If you see that Mick is still not ready to talk about it, give him space, but don't forget to remind him that you're there for whatever he needs."

You nodded and left the residence, leaving the driver and his wife somewhat worried about what could happen between you two.

You opened the door to your home with trembling hands, feeling a pressure in your chest from the concern about the scene your eyes would encounter as soon as you entered.

The first thing that greeted you was the sound of hooves scratching the parquet floor, which soon grew louder as Angie approached rapidly to welcome you home again. You bent down, leaving your belongings aside, and took some time to caress your furry friend, whom you had grown fond of since the moment her owner introduced her to you. While admiring the way the animal's tail moved, you began to hear the running water from the shower, a sign that Mick was home, as you had hoped.

Sitting on the couch and staring at the TV, whose screen was filled with deceptive advertisements for food and clothing, you heard a door open and steps that seemed to be approaching you. You took a deep breath and prepared yourself for what was about to come when you saw her boyfriend walk past you, wearing only a towel wrapped around his waist, drying his hair with another smaller towel.

You decided that things couldn't go on like this, so you approached the boy more angrily than you thought, who was preparing dinner, obviously, just for himself.

"Yes, love, I had a great time with Seb and Hanna. Thanks for asking how my day went!" you shouted sarcastically.

Schumacher turned around, leaving the wooden spoon on the bowl in which his salad was being prepared. Your face was fully red, and your aggressive demeanor reminded him of Sebastian's moments of fury at Red Bull. The German looked at you coldly, and you only felt his blue eyes radiating hatred, something you had never seen in the boy before.

If you weren't up for games that night, neither was Mick.

"I don't care how your day went," the blue-eyed one responded disdainfully, "but if you had such a great time with your perfect family, maybe you should consider moving in with them."

The driver’s statement hurt you more than if you had been stabbed in the stomach. You couldn't believe the words coming out of the mouth of the one you considered the love of your life. When you opened your mouth to reply and yell a thousand worse things at him, the words got stuck in your throat. Schumacher made a move to leave, but you reluctantly took his hand to keep talking to him. For you, things weren't going to stay like this. 

"After everything we've been through to get here, is this how you're paying me back?!" you exploded, releasing all the anger you had accumulated. "Is this the way you planned to treat me from the beginning?"

The driver turned to you, his jaw tense. His arms were crossed, and he was squeezing his clenched fists tighter and tighter.

"I don't know what you're talking about, blondie," he spat with disdain. "If you feel so bad, maybe you should reconsider what this relationship means to you."

You approached him with fury, and began to hit him in the chest with your hands. You were tired of, at any point in your life, the people she loved the most ending up hurting her.

"You have no idea what you mean to me!" you got closer and closer to Mick, who seemed to feel small compared to you. "You became my everything when I had nothing, but now you've become a stranger with whom it would seem ridiculous to say that I've shared traumas from my life that no one knows."

"You have no right to judge me, Y/N!" roared the boy with a voice filled with aggression. "You don't know what I have to face every day: criticism, expectations, my father, you, the team..." He raised his hands in the air as he spoke. "Do you think it's easy being in this messed up world?"

"It's not just about you, Mick!" you exclaimed, tears starting to blur your vision. "It's about us and everything we've been through together!"

Words continued to fly in the room, laden with pain and anger, exchanged between the couple as if in a tennis match. You had reached a point where the argument wasn't focused on trying to resolve whatever was happening between you, but on hurting each other with hurtful comments, fighting to see who could inflict more damage.

"This makes no sense, Y/N," Mick shouted in frustration. His gaze was filled with panic and accumulated anger. He felt it increasingly difficult, at that point in the argument, to contain his rage.

"Love, please, calm down," your voice trembled. "We're not getting anywhere, just giving the neighbors a free show that we'll regret later," you pleaded.

Schumacher didn't relent. He felt a wave of helplessness washing over his body. He reached out his muscular arm and grabbed the first object he could find, a frame with a picture of him with you and Angie on a day you spent in the mountains, and threw it against the wall mercilessly. The sound of impact and shattering glass echoed throughout the room, accompanied by the sobs and gasps of air from the young woman.

You couldn't help but step back, feeling increasing pressure in your chest and filled with fear. You knew the boy was losing control of the situation, and you were afraid it would escalate to physical violence against you. You had experienced that kind of abuse with your mother, and you didn't want to relive it with the same person who once told you that love didn't hurt.

"Mick, stop, this isn't you!" you cried out in anguish. "What's wrong with you?"

The German clenched his fists tighter.

"I've already told you, Y/N: you don't understand! You can't possibly understand. The pressure, the expectations... it's all overwhelming," he sighed anxiously, "and I feel like it's going to break me at any moment."

You approached him slowly, but at a safe distance, in an attempt to calm him down that you hoped wouldn't be in vain.

"We're in this together, sweetheart. Why don't you confide in me instead of shouting at me like a madman in an asylum?"

"Because I don't want you involved in this," Mick looked at you with a mix of anger and pain. "You've had enough worries in your life already."

You went cold, speechless in response. The blonde seemed to have calmed down. Now, his gaze begged you to keep speaking because, if not, he would go crazy at any moment.

"Mick, I love you," you continued as best you could, "and that means I want to be there for you, even in the toughest moments. You can't expect me to walk away when you need me the most."

"It's not that simple, Y/N," the driver paced back and forth, seeking a way to remedy everything he had caused during those weeks of tormenting Gunther. "The pressure is overwhelming, and the comparisons with my father are becoming less bearable," he confessed. "People don't care how hard I try. They always end up making me feel like I’m not good enough."

The blonde took a deep breath, struggling to keep calm while seeing that the root of the problem was surfacing:

"And how do you expect our relationship to work if you shut yourself off? I can't guess what's going on in your head if you don't tell me," you said in a barely audible whisper.

"Because I don't want to be a burden to you!" he retorted. "I don't want you to see me as a failure."

Determined to end all the fuss, you took a step forward and, despite the boy's protests, ended up taking his hands and directing his gaze to yours.

"Mick, you're not a failure: you're human," you said. "Making more or fewer mistakes is completely normal, and I'm here to support you and make you see that," you expressed sincerely. "I don't care what people think or say about you. To me, you'll always be the best at what you do, and there won't be a comment that will change my mind."

He looked at you. Angie had clumsily approached the boy's leg, stroking him and causing him some tickles with her fur, something that made you laugh in that moment of tension.

"What do you want me to do, Y/N? How can I move forward with all this?",

Feeling her resistance beginning to dissipate, you rushed to give him a hug, something the boy didn't reject. You both had missed each other, and the gentle caresses you shared in that brief moment were proof of that.

"Start by trusting me. Share what worries you and what you're afraid of. You don't have to fight alone: you know I'm here for whatever you need."

Mick, with his eyes full of tears threatening to fall, held you tightly to his chest, trying not to hurt you.

"I'm sorry, Y/N," he whispered with a trembling voice, "for everything. My contract with Haas... it's over. Gunther doesn't trust me for next year."

You quickly pulled away from Mick. You had been left in suspense, and your boyfriend's pale face had already given you many clues, such as why he had told you before the cooling of your relationship that he didn't want to continue racing, or how Seb's retirement didn't affect him as much as you had thought it would.

Mick had faced very painful and traumatic experiences, such as his father's accident. However, although his dismissal might seem less significant than the former, for his girlfriend, it was more serious because there was nothing worse than someone compromising your mental health, and that was exactly what Gunther Steiner had been doing to her guy.

You approached him with slow steps and hugged him once again.

"Darling..." you whispered, trying to sound as understanding as possible. "It's okay, alright? Gunther doesn't deserve you. Besides, I'm sure that when something bad ends, something better begins."

Schumacher collapsed into your arms, tears finally escaping from his eyes. The mask he had been wearing for all the previous weeks had finally shattered, revealing a vulnerable version of himself that he didn't want you to discover.

"I feel like a failure," the blonde sobbed with a choked tone due to the tears. "I've fought so hard, I've given everything I have even when I couldn't anymore... and it seems like it's never enough."

You hugged him tighter, tenderly, hearing the boy's quick heartbeats loud and clear.

"You're not a failure, Mick," you revealed to him. "You have so much talent and you can do great things, it's just that you started your career in a crappy team with even crappier treatment," the boy laughed, music to your ears. "This is just a bump in the road, and you and I are going to get through it together."

"I don't know what I'd do without you, love," Mick looked at you tenderly, mentally regretting his behavior over the past few weeks.

"I'll always be here for you, truly," you continued, gently stroking his cheek. "You're so much more than race results, and I won't stop telling you until you believe it, even when you get tired of hearing me say it so much!"

You ended up laughing heartily, initiated by Mick. Maybe you weren't the perfect duo in the eyes of others, but you were for yourselves and those who knew you best.

If the invisible string theory was real, you and Mick were proof of it. You could even say the same about the multiverse hypothesis: in this one, and in millions more, a stubborn blonde couple, no matter the problems you had to face, would end up together, whatever it took.

[so-long-soldier-writes]

Playing with fire's only gonna get you burned. Unless you're, like, into that kinda thing.

kai parker x reader

summary: things have been disappearing from your room lately, but never would you think kai is the one to blame.

tags: 1994 prison world, friends to lovers, snooping (it's very 'fuck around and find out'), mild argument, sexual tension, touch starved, kissing, touching, playful sex, teasing, fingering, vaginal sex, relatively mild smut, overstimulation, cuddling

word count: 5.5k

a/n: this fic is sponsored by wellbutrin... kidding. but that's the only reason i've actually been able to sit down and focus / write lately. this was requested eons ago, and with the greatest guilt, i'm just now posting it. also, i wrote it in a day. as in, today. i hope it's okay. <3

It started out innocently. A curious snoop in a big, almost-empty mansion, inhabited by two abandoned people left here by their families. 

He hadn’t expected her to go digging around in his stuff, and she didn’t think he’d come home early. Both were wrong. And as the thin material slips from beneath her fingertips in shock, he gives her an indescribable look. His nails rap on the wood of the doorframe and she stands, speechless. 

“Uh…”

“Hey, princess. Like what you see?”

-------------------------------------------------

The Salvatore Boarding House is where you found him. You wandered for some time before running into him and finding his company relieving. 

Of course, getting to trust Kai took some time. You found common ground in the fact that you both were hated by the Gemini Coven. Both had been sent here by them; Kai, sixteen years ago, you, only one, and both had been frowned upon by their families. But while you shared the same enemy, you were afraid for a while that Kai would be an enemy, too, considering what he did to be sent to the prison world. Apparently, as reported by his own tongue and the daily paper, he had slaughtered four of his siblings in an attempt to kill the youngest two. He didn’t feel much sorrow, nor regret, over his actions, and explained his methods of killing with a rather monotone voice. When asked if he’d kill you, he shrugged. 

“No point in doing that, really. It’s not like you can die, anyway.”

And that was that. 

For weeks, you feared him, but he got better as the days passed. Kai’s actually pretty funny and can cook well. And though you’ve never said it out loud, he’s pretty cute, too. Over time, your companionship turns into a friendship. You swap stories about your past and come to understand each other better. As cold as life has made him, you don’t think he wasn’t always that way. The more you grow to trust him, you start to see a side you’re not sure he’s even seen in himself for years. Sometimes you forget you’re all alone in a prison together, save for the fact you’re the only ones there. Sometimes, it doesn’t feel like a sentence for a punishment you both may or may not deserve. 

But lately, something’s been off.

It’s not that anything’s changed about Kai, but more so that it just feels… different. The young witch is the same playful, unserious boy you’ve known for months, but a few times, you’ve caught a glimmer in his eye you can’t quite decipher. He’s a troublemaker for sure, and though you’ve never seen malicious behavior, your head is filling with questions if he’s capable of some other kind of behavior you haven’t considered. 

Basically, things have been disappearing from your closet. Your favorite bracelets, a few lip balms, and clothes, even some you know you threw in the laundry bin. For a bit of time, you blame it on the same-day repeating thing. Maybe the gloss you stole from the department store has just been returned to its original spot to be sold. Maybe yesterday’s pair of underwear went back to the bottom of your drawer. Maybe the shirt you wore when you entered the prison world got swept through some portal back to the real world, because you hadn’t worn it here yet, so it must not be able to exist. 

One morning, ruminating thoughts swirl in your mind as you try to mentally explain the disappearances. It’s a rather new thing - within the last few weeks - and nothing like this had happened in the first couple months you were still roaming the empty earth. 

At the kitchen counter, you must seem lost in thought, because Kai shuffles a pancake off his spatula and onto your plate then nods. “What’s up?”

“My clothes are disappearing.”

“What?”

“Have you ever had that happen to you?”

“What do you mean?”

“Out of my room. I’ll toss a shirt in my hamper, and it’s gone. My favorite chapstick isn’t in my nightstand drawer anymore.”

“Weird.”

“You’ve never lost anything?”

“I mean… misplaced things, yeah. But I know I just put them somewhere where I can’t remember where I put them, y’know? Maybe that’s it.”

“Maybe.” You take a bite of the food and smile up at him. “Ooh, perfect! Thank you.”

He returns the smile with a wink that makes you shyly look down. You eat in a comfortable silence, omit the CD player beside you being just barely audible; Billie Joe Armstrong whispers uncharacteristically rather than shouting into your ear at nine in the morning. 

He starts to speak again while gathering the dishes. “Hey, I need to take a quick trip to the store today, want to come?”

“Wait, why? We just went?” You ask, frowning. 

“That house down the street had a cookbook I’m borrowing-” you chuckle at the word choice, “-and I’m gonna try one of the recipes in it, but we need, like, half the things in it.”

You think about it. Going grocery shopping with him is always an entertaining experience, but you were planning on flipping your room inside out to look for your stuff instead. The most recent thing to disappear was one of your favorite underwear sets, and if you don’t find it, it’ll drive you crazy. Explaining this, though, sounds ridiculous, so you make an excuse. With a shrug, “don’t really feel like being cold today.” Despite no one around to operate it, Bell’s refrigerator section stays cold. 

“You have a jacket. Or you can borrow one.”

“You always take, like, ten years in there, and the cold seeps through eventually.”

He gives you a sassy look, but it’s true, so he knows he can’t really argue. “Alright.”

“Plus if you’re trying a new recipe, it’s going to take even longer for you to find everything you need. And then the recipe won’t have enough detail, so you’ll sit there for five minutes, debating if you should use brown sugar or light brown sugar.”

“Okay, you’ve made your point!” You smile in satisfaction. “I’ll go by myself. Won’t take more than an hour.”

“Two, maybe.”

He glares at you, but you only laugh. Kai, by now, is harmless to you. You can poke and prod him all you want and know he won’t hurt you. Maybe if his family put a little trust in him, they would’ve known that, too. 

“I’m leaving in ten.”

“Okay. Be safe from any vortexes that could contain aliens coming to invade our planet.”

He stares at you, then gives a playful roll of his eyes. You laugh. 

~~~~~~~~~~

It doesn’t make sense. You’ve flipped your room about a thousand times in the last hour and nothing, not a single one of your lost items have appeared. It’s actually driving you insane. On second thought, you might be going insane. You know internally that stuff doesn’t just disappear in this world. Some things might return to the way they were before - the Dookie album annoyingly starts at “Burnout” every morning that Kai presses play; the grocery store is always fully stocked, no matter how many bags of chips you take in a single day - but things don’t just get lost. The prison world has structure, in its own extremely aggravating way. If something’s missing, you lost it. 

But you’ve flipped your room three times to no avail. If something’s missing, it must not be in your room at all. You sigh, sitting in the middle of your now-messy room, and think. It is possible that they got mixed up in the laundry with Kai’s stuff and neither of you noticed. Of course, that doesn’t account for your two missing chapsticks, but maybe those were in pockets that ended up in the laundry, too. You crinkle your nose at the thought. If that’s the case, that chapstick and the hoodie it’s in are definitely ruined. 

With the new idea in your mind, you head to the laundry room to check it out. It’s a rather long walk down the hall and to your left, making you wonder, again, whose house - sorry, mansion - this is in the present day, and could they be living here now, in the real world? You and Kai have talked about it before, made bets on the residents’ identities and personalities. Kai thinks it’s the mayor’s, and that he’s some oldish rich guy with a trophy wife, who needed to live far away from his “village” to exude “dominance,” as if this were the middle ages. That, or a thousand year old witch who moved out here to never be bothered. You swear it’s vampires, but he always shakes his head, “that’s not a thing.” You think otherwise.

But regardless of who lives in the house, you can both agree it’s an insane amount of house for anyone. Though, neither can complain about the dungeon in the basement. It’s a nice touch. In fact, every house should have one. 

The laundry room checks out to be clean. There’s not a single sign of anything missing or out of place, and by this point, you just feel like giving up. Maybe the laundry ate them in the way it always seems to eat one sock. Oh well, because the constant search is only stressing you out. You stand there bored for a moment while trying to think of something to do. You could read; the library downstairs must have a thousand different books. Or, you could snoop the mansion. Kai’s shown you tons of stuff he’s found over the years: diaries, letters, secrets. Whoever lived here has quite the story to tell, but those things aren’t always easily found. The letters had been hidden in books, and between closely stacked books, and the most telling diary he’s found was in the floorboard of the furthest room on the right. Surely there’s more that Kai hasn’t discovered yet. 

You decide, then, that the best entertainment will be to snoop around the old Victorian home, because… why not? You can’t settle down enough to read, and when has anyone not had fun digging into other people’s business? After all, that’s what got you sent to the prison world in the first place. 

A part of you is most curious about the dungeon, so you decide to start there when something in the corner of your eye makes you pause. A lock, uncharacteristically on Kai’s bedroom door. It’s odd, considering the openness between you two; you’ve never felt the need to hide things from each other, and you’re not sure when he started feeling differently. You stare at it, curious and a bit hurt, before inserting your nail into the hole on the bottom. Again, you ended up here by pissing off one Parker, what’s stopping you from egging on another? And what would Kai possibly do to you that would hurt you? Like you told yourself earlier, towards you, he’s completely harmless. 

In a couple minutes’ time, you finally free the lock of its duty and push the door open. Inside, it looks normal. He’s always been clean and his room is no exception. You’ve seen it before, when he didn’t feel the need to put a suspicious lock on it, and it looks the same then as it does now. Still… that little weasel is hiding something, and you’ll be damned if you don’t at least peek. You step further inside, leaving the door wide open so you can hear if he comes back. 

To your displeasure, a five minute search yields no secrets. You’ve looked under his bed, in his drawers, and everywhere else that’s definitely invading his privacy, but hey, you were under the impression that there was no privacy in the prison world. You start your way back to the door, but then open the closet you had previously ignored, just in case. It checks as normal, but then… up high, in the corner, sits a little box out of reach. And by out of reach, you mean even for Kai, who’s rather tall, meaning even he would need a stool to retrieve it. Curiosity quickly gets the better of you and you fetch the nearest stool to grab it. Something this well hidden must be fun. And who knows, maybe it’s the residents’ mystery box, and Kai doesn’t even know it’s there? At least, that’s what you tell yourself to excuse your nosiness. 

Though, immediately upon opening it, that’s proven to definitely not be the case. 

A whiff of perfume floods your nose the moment you take off the lid. It’s familiar, and warm, and quickly, you realize it’s yours. Then, your heart drops at the first thing inside - something he should not have, and frankly, shouldn’t even exist -  which is a polaroid of you. Specifically, of you on your side, asleep, bare chested, with your comforter just barely covering your hips. Your spine is the main focus of the shot, but a little bit of your exposed breast shows. You drop it with a gasp. It flutters down and lands in a different place than where you had picked it up, revealing more. Each polaroid in the stack shows more and more of your body in every shot. Sometimes, your breasts are covered by a thin, lacy piece, but more often than not, your top is completely bare. Your comforter, luckily, stays at your hips, and the one or two times it slips further, you’re covered in your favorite floral set, but then you pause. That particular set disappeared a while ago, and now, you think you know why. 

Dropping the polaroid, you remove all the photos from the box to reveal what’s hidden underneath, and oh, does it shock you. Instantly, you eye your favorite set, causing you to swallow hard. Your perfume’s also in the box, alongside all your missing items: your chapsticks, bracelets, and three more pieces of your clothes. That rat. He’s been taking your things the whole time! Then giving no more than a shrug when you bring it up. Kai has been sneaking into your room at night, taking pictures of you and stealing your things, then acting none the wiser in the day. You try to feel angry, but you’re more shocked than anything. 

Hesitantly, you pick up a pair of your underwear, inspecting it as if you can’t believe it’s really there. You roll your eyes in disbelief as it slips off your finger, back down into the incriminating box. 

A knock raps on the doorframe. You freeze; you hadn’t heard anyone come in.

“Hey, princess,” Kai says, standing there, “like what you see?”

Your mouth falls open, a thousand words rising up your throat, but none of them coming out. You were shocked before, but then his sudden entrance and his laidback reaction makes you angry, and when he stands there, waiting for your response, you only find yourself shocked again. Surprised, that he’s found you digging through your stuff, yet doesn’t seem to care. 

That is, unless, the anger is bubbling underneath his fond smile. You know that Kai has an unpredictable edge to him. Sometimes, he’s quiet in his anger and lets it stew before exploding. You’ve only been on the receiving end of it once, ages ago, when you were still getting used to each others’ routines and you got too much in his way. You’ve seen it since then, but not directed at you: his father, mostly; his lack of magic; his misguidance about the world. But sometimes, oftentimes, he’s short in patience and snappy in reaction. He responds to disruption the same way his father does: suddenly, mercilessly. It’s all he knows, after all. 

But the Kai standing in front of you now, watching you, is neither of those things. He doesn’t seem angry or agitated. Caught off guard, certainly, but while that look is interpreted through his eyes, a small smile counters it. You stare a bit longer. Amused is more like it. He’s amused by your reaction. By you finding your clothes in his room and having no idea how to react to it. Initially, his posture held some indignation, probably because you were going through his stuff and had picked the quite secure lock to do so, but any ill feeling dissipates at the look on your face you’re sure is amusing to him. 

You try to replace your shocked look with a stern one. He only laughs. 

“Want to tell me why my stuff is in a box in your room, which was locked, by the way, not sure if you’re aware. Since when do we lock our rooms, Kai?”

He looks surprised by your sudden snap. Good. Unfortunately, he recovers quickly. 

“Want to tell me why you’re going through my stuff in the first place?”

You scoff. “I think the more pressing matter is the fact that you’ve been stealing my clothes! And- and- not only stealing, but look at this-” you toss a polaroid at him as if he hasn’t seen, taken, them himself- “how long have you been lurking in my room while I’m asleep?! Taking pictures of me sleeping? Not caring if I’m literally nude in half of them?!”

“I’d argue the nude ones are the best ones,” he says with a shrug. 

You scoff again. “What would possess you to do this? Why are you taking my stuff?”

“Y’know, princess… What’s funny to me is that your questions are just questions.”

“What the hell does that mean?”

“You’re asking questions simply to know the answers. A playful curiosity. There’s no anger in your tone, no spite in your words.”

“Oh, I’m angry, Kai. I’m pretty fucking pissed off right now.”

He only chuckles. “Still not hearing it. See, I know anger. Anger’s my father, who has a harsh bark but a nastier bite. You, my angel,” he crouches down in front of you now, “have no bite.”

“Fuck you.” You push his shoulder. He barely sways, but you were kind of hoping to knock him over. You wait a moment, then try again. 

Kai, though, easily predicts your actions and grabs your wrist as soon as it comes within his reach. He holds on with a tight grip and you almost lose your balance. 

“Let go,” you grumble, raising your other fist. It only makes it halfway before he grabs that one, too. “Kai.” You struggle in his hands. “What the fuck? Let go of me.”

“Ah, ah.” He tilts his head to the side, a look that means nothing but trouble. “You were a bad girl to go through my stuff.”

“It’s my stuff, actually.”

“It became mine the minute it crossed the threshold of this house. You became mine.”

“What the fuck does that mean? This isn’t even your house!”

“But it is my prison world. Built for me when I committed a crime so heinous, they felt the need to lock me up. But you… what are you in here for? Stealing a book?”

“It was a grimoire, you fuck. Your father’s. So clearly my crime was equally heinous and they sent me here, too. The moment I got dropped here, this no longer became just your world.”

“You raise a good point. But still, I was here first. And I’m the oldest of my siblings, so I can tell you what to do.”

“You have a twin,” you counter, “who’s probably older than you by now, considering neither of us have aged, and you’ve been here sixteen years already. She’s probably… thirty-eight by now? Probably married, has some kids, a nice house.”

“Stop talking,” he snaps, tightening his grip on your wrists. They burn, but it doesn’t bother you. Egging him on is more fun. The tight cord of his control is breaking. 

“I’m just saying. Oh, and your younger twins, the two you didn’t get to kill. They’re, uh, twenty, now, I think. I saw them, actually, when I broke into your father’s house. They’re both blonde, wherever that gene came from.”

“Y/N-”

“Jo wasn’t there. Not sure where she went. Probably does have a house somewhere. Somewhere far, far, away from fucking Portland. Good for her, that place is a shithole.”

His grip tightens, his body almost shaking with anger now. “Stop. Talking.”

“Or what? Are you gonna attack me?” You put on your best puppy eyes. “Show me your bite’s worse than your bark? Because I’m just proving to you that I can bite. Don’t like it, do you? Yeah, well, I didn’t like finding my lingerie in a box in your room, but I guess we all can’t get what we want.”

Whether it was your words or the sass in your tone, he finally breaks. With a sudden force, Kai pushes your fists into your own chest, knocking you to the floor. You gasp a little as your head hits the wood, but you have no time to dwell on it as he climbs on top of you, pinning your fists now over your head. 

“You want to see me bite, is that it? Don’t think I have it in me because you’ve never seen it for yourself? I can be ruthless, Y/N, I can make you regret-” he pauses, jaw dropping as he realizes you’re giggling. 

“Regret what?” You urge. “Were you saying something?”

“You’re playing with fire, Y/N.” His eyes are dark, but not in a way that scares you. Instead, his pupils are dilated so much they look dark. He stares into you desperately, gaze fighting between your lips and your neck, as if unsure where to attack first. 

“And yet I’m just a girl, laying under a boy, asking to get burned.”

He doesn’t get the quote. It’s after his time. But the message is clear: you’re under him and you’re not fighting to get up; you provoked him enough just to send him off the edge; you were never really that mad about the pictures or the clothes. 

He pauses. Okay, maybe you were a little mad about it. He did go out of his own way to creep across your boundaries. But still… had he not, you would’ve never ended up in this position. You should probably thank him for that. 

You swallow, with difficulty because of the way you’re laying, and his eyes drop to the bob in your throat. He snaps out of a daze. 

It happens before you know it, his lips on yours. He starts soft, waiting for you to reciprocate, and the moment you do, he gets rougher, more confident, as if this is something he’s always wanted, but he’s so unfamiliar with being able to touch, that he holds back at first. 

You’re much less hesitant, though. You offer kindness to him through your words, but you’ve never touched him much, knowing how foreign it is to him. You’ve wanted to give in, to hug and hold him and kiss his cheek before you go to bed, but you were never sure how to bring it up. He’s guarded in his emotions. They’re there, but they’re locked away with a key you haven’t been able to pick. But this, maybe, is the first step. 

You’re not sure when you stood up, or if he picked you up, but in a second, you’re off the wood and plopped down on his bed. The pillow beneath you smells like your perfume and you raise an eyebrow at him. He tilts his head again - no comment. He’s kissing you again before you can say anything, effectively distracting you from the whole thing. One hand props himself up over you, while the other lightly grasps your neck. Both of your hands are tangled in his hair, scratching and pulling gently. You break the kiss, out of breath, and he trails his lips down your neck instead. Your back arches instinctively, and a giggle escapes your throat at a sweet spot. In a matter of seconds, he sucks a bruise into your skin before moving down further. Your shirt, very much in the way, is pulled up and off, followed by your shorts. You copy the action, pulling his own off him and immediately letting your hands explore his chest. It’s only fair, you think, considering all the times he’s welcomed himself to the sight of your body. 

Distracted, you miss him pulling off your underwear until they’re dangling on one finger in your face. You tilt her own head in confusion, then feel your jaw drop as he throws them in the box. 

“Mine.” He winks.

“No! Kai-”

You’re cut off by your own moan, provoked by the feeling of his touch on your bare body. He smiles, clearly pleased with himself, and touches again. 

“Those are mine,” you try to argue. 

“Are they?”

With a new bite, you lunge forward and surprise him, bringing him pause. You take control for thirty seconds, unbuckling his belt and sliding off his jeans and boxers. A gasp escapes his throat, the cold air hitting his cold, now exposed body, in addition to you seeing him for the first time. 

“These are mine then.” You toss his jeans on the floor, but keep his boxers like a prize in your hands. 

His look is unimpressed. “You wish.” He tackles you easily, prying the material out of your hands to ball up and throw, laying you back down, crawling over your body, licking his lips, eyeing you like prey. It happens too fast for you to react, and before you know it, you’re forced back into submission, him dominating easily. 

“Y’know, for someone not used to touch,” you pant, relishing in the feeling of his lips around your nipple, “you sure seem to know what you’re doing.”

“Instinct, baby.” 

“Oh, really?” 

He shuts up any further remark by meeting his body to yours, erect cock rubbing against your clit in a way that turns your brain to mush. “Yeah, really.” You don’t fight back this time. “So easy to please,” he mutters, his fingers moving to your clit at the feeling of precum rising up. 

“Stop teasing,” you whine, growing desperate. 

“Not teasing, princess. Just getting you ready.”

Pressure builds like a coil low in your stomach. You squirm, arching your back and shivering in pleasure, at the same time you mutter, “don’t stop.”

“Don’t move, then, baby.”

You try your hardest to listen, but it’s almost impossible with the way he’s touching you. The long fingers you’ve always admired rubbing in perfect circles. The lust in his eyes as he draws you closer and closer. The wetness on your thigh where his aching cock drips with its own need. 

“Kai-” you cry for a second as he stops. He spits on your clit, then laps it up with his tongue, sucking now, while his fingers open you up below. “Fuck.”

“You okay, princess?”

“Mhm,” you nod weakly. 

The coil’s so close to snapping. You won’t survive much longer, not with the way his tongue works so beautifully against the sensitive spot, and especially not when he looks up at you from his position, eyes still dark with lust, yet focused, as if this is the most important thing in the world. 

“Kai-”

“Mhm?” He asks without detaching. The vibration that it causes is what finally breaks you. With an eager moan, you finally come, the force of it shaking your legs and core. Kai sucks you through it and only lets up when you start begging, “please, please, please, I can’t-”

He ceases, and immediately crashes his lips onto yours, letting you taste yourself in his mouth. 

“You okay?” He asks between wet, open-mouthed kisses.

“Mhm.”

“Alright, good girl. Ready?”

“Please.” 

Of course he can’t deny you when you ask so politely. 

With a deep kiss, he distracts you enough to push in. You take him well until you’re almost full, gasping into his mouth and sinking into the mattress. You squirm a bit more, body reacting to the sudden intrusion, but settle around him soon enough. 

“We’re good?”

“Good.”

“Let me know if you need to stop.”

He starts slowly, pulling out a little ways and pushing back in, kissing you sweetly as he does. But then as your body adjusts and clenches around him, he picks up the pace to an even speed. His mouth drops from your lips to your neck, sucking more bruises into your delicate skin. You keep your hands tangled in his hair, pulling, grasping, moaning more as the pressure starts to build again. 

“Y’know,” you stutter, trying to speak as he thrusts. “Making me come once isn’t going to make up for you stealing my underwear.”

You can feel his smile grow against your skin. “Oh really?” He presses a kiss to your neck. “How about twice? Three times? Four?”

The color drains from your face at the thought of coming four times in one day. You really need to learn to stop challenging him. “I-”

“Yeah, four sounds good. Let’s try for that.”

He has slowed down a little to make conversation, but as soon as his mind is made, he picks his pace back up. His troublemaking smirk stares into you, waiting to see if you’ll challenge him again, then falls back on your neck once he sees he’s won. 

In the end, Kai holds true to his promise and coaxes three more orgasms out of you before his hips stutter. He pulls out and releases on your stomach, panting hard. You lay beside each other, completely exhausted and overstimulated, until he finally drags you up and into the bathroom. In a way, you do win, because he dresses you in his own clothes - boxers and a hoodie - before pulling you downstairs with him. You’re still determined to get your clothes back somehow, but as your eyes flutter sleepily still, you decide to table that for another day. 

That evening, when you settle down for your usual nightly movie, you find yourself laying against his chest with his arm around your waist. He seems more relaxed than you’ve ever seen him, and the noticeable difference makes you smile. 

“If you wanted to touch me, you could’ve just asked,” you half-tease. 

“Hm.”

“I like you, too, y’know.” He finally looks away from the tv, eyes dropping to you instead. “Way before all of this. I’ve had a crush on you for ages.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Fear of losing you?” You shrug. “Not only are we the only people here, but… you’re also the only person I’ve felt ever close to in my life. I didn’t want to do something that would make you uncomfortable, or make you hate me.”

“I could never hate you,” he admits. He presses a gentle kiss to your lips. “And I think I’m the one who crossed the ‘uncomfortable’ boundary.”

You laugh. “Yeah, you did. You crossed a very big boundary.” You tilt your head and run your tongue across your lips. “But… it doesn’t make me uncomfortable with you. Nor angry. Maybe in the moment, but certainly not now. Actually… it’s kinda hot, now that I think about it.”

Despite his passing nervousness, he can’t help but laugh. “I did say you’d be playing with fire.”

“Guess I should’ve headed the warning.”

You curl closer into him, adoring the way he responds so quickly, running a hand through your hair and dancing his fingers on your skin. It’s easier than ever to relax around him. Right now, this prison world feels like anything but a prison. 

~~~~~~~~~~

In the night, you sneak into his room, polaroid in hand. It’s rather easy, the lock is gone now and his door is cracked open, practically inviting you in. You tiptoe up to his bed, focusing the camera on Kai’s shirtless form and snap a quick photo, snickering to yourself. But then, as the old machine whirrs in action, your target opens an eye. You back up, glancing between the boy in the bed and the door. He groans, laughing on the tail end of the tired sound. 

“Whatcha doing?”

“Karma, baby.”

“Mhm, good try.” He eyes you in a way that sends a shiver up your spine. “Y’know… the way I got so many of you is because I was quiet.” 

“Uh-” You look at the door again - big mistake. The moment your eyes are off him, his arms around your waist. “Ah, Kai!” You screech, head hitting his pillow for the second time that day. 

He positions himself on top of you, practically sitting on you, and takes the camera from your hands. “Tip number one, snap the picture and leave before the camera starts to sputter.” He sets it on the nightstand. “Tip number two, stalk someone who’s a little less obsessed with you. That way, they might not be able to hear your every move.” Before you can reply, he’s kissing you again, with as much passion as he had only hours ago. 

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA if I broke up with my girlfriend for not taking her meds?

My (24M) girlfriend (28F) has bipolar and BPD. We've been together coming up on 3 years now. For the last half a year we were together it was pretty rough and turbulent, she was unmedicated and was having suicidal breakdowns almost every day, ended up in hospital several times, threatened and got into physical altercations with other girls who spoke to me or she thought were flirting with me, and I was spending almost every single day of my life having to take hours to talk her down from suicide or self-harm. It was emotionally exhausting and as someone who's also had suicide attempts in the past it was also incredibly triggering and damaging to my own mental health.

For additional context as to why I feel the way I do, my last girlfriend also had diagnosed BPD and NPD and when she stopped taking her medication she became fully abusive both physically and verbally and it took me a year of being absolutely beaten down to finally snap and leave her.

(Obvious note: I'm not saying everyone with bipolar, BPD, or NPD is abusive or that these illnesses inherently make you abusive. They were an abuser who just happened to have those things, and that played into how they acted and thought/felt.)

Current girlfriend eventually got medication and has been doing much better for most of the time since then. When she's on her meds she's a wonderful and generally pretty healthy partner - she's supportive, understanding of my boundaries, checks in with me, she's a year clean from self-harm, hasn't displayed any kind of self-destructive behaviour. She's gotten a job and managed to hold it down (got fired from several jobs in the past because of her daily meltdowns meaning she wasn't attending work), she's started exercising and going to the gym, she's picked up new hobbies, made new friends, she's just been doing great in general.

For about the past month though, she started going days without taking her medication and when I reminded her she would say she didn't want to, that she hated taking it, that she doesn't like the way it makes her feel etc. This is something my last girlfriend said too, and I know it's really common for people with BPD (and maybe bipolar too?) to stop taking their medication because they feel emotionally flat in comparison to how they feel off of the meds. I pretty much said that I couldn't handle going back to how she acts when she's off of the medication again and that if she was going to stop taking them then I didn't think our relationship would last through that kind of period again because last time it completely destroyed my mental health, my sleep, my life and several of my relationships due to how much energy and time I was having to put into her vs. myself and everything else. I suggested asking her doctor/psychiatrist/etc. for another dosage change or meds switch again to see if that would work better (though up until recently they have seemed to be working great so I'm not sure how good of an idea switching it up again would be).

She agreed at the time but I was kind of concerned about whether she'd been keeping up with it or not because over the last few weeks I've already noticed things devolving again - her screaming at me out of nowhere and having mood swings, intense jealousy and possessiveness, impulsive behaviour, even a couple of breakdowns again and having to talk her out of self-harm for the first time in over a year. True enough, today I found out she's been pretending to take her medication and throwing them out. When I confronted her about it she admitted she hasn't taken her medication for weeks.

I pretty much withdrew after that and didn't say anything at that moment but after a while she asked me why I was being so quiet and I basically repeated what I'd said to her in the last conversation, that I was honestly rethinking whether or not the relationship would work because I can't handle that kind of emotional exhaustion and constant sacrifice all over again. I don't mind some emotional support and some labour of love in a relationship because of course I'm going to need to look out for her mental health and reassure and comfort sometimes, that's the reality of loving someone who struggles, but I can't do it 24/7 again. I can't once again put talking her down for hours every day and weathering screaming and violent lashing out all the time at the expense of even my own basic needs and my own mental health struggles (for example my c-PTSD from my last relationship).

When I said that she got very very upset and basically said I was forcing her to choose between me and freedom or being able to live a normal/unmedicated life (which I mean, I guess I can't argue with because in a way I am making her choose between me and stopping her meds), and that I couldn't control her like that. I told her I wasn't doing it to control her and that if she's really determined to go off of them she could, but that I would have to make my own personal choice to walk away as a result of it for my own sake.

She said she'd think about it but ever since that conversation I've been going back and forth in my head on how much of a dick move it would be to flat out just do a black-and-white "Either you stay on your meds and regulate your behaviour or I leave"

TL;DR Girlfriend wants to go off of her medication, but when she's off her meds she has almost daily suicidal breakdowns and lashes out at me physically and verbally. WIBTA if I broke up with her if she goes ahead with stopping?

What are these acronyms?

[bitbybitwrites]

Well . . hellloooooooo out there folks!

Thanks again for the following folks who have tagged me for Six/Seven/Several Sentence Sunday and WIP Weds these past few weeks:

@nocoastposts, @iboatedhere, @porcelainmortal, @forabeatofadrum, @sophie1973

@blueeyedgrlwrites, @alasse9, @daisyishedwig, @tinyarmedtrex, @onthewaytosomewhere

@henrysfox, @caramelcoffeeaddict, @tailsbeth-writes, @caterpills, @littlemisskittentoes

(and if I've forgotten anyone, I apologize!!!!)

Let's see . . did a bit of writing lately I was able to crank out the following:

Smutsgiving 2024- Klaine/Glee

Smutsgiving 2024 - FirstPrince/RWRB

The latest chapter of Puppy Love (FirstPrince/RWRB Fic)

I'm working still on finishing up my Klaine fic, If I Can Make Your Heart My Home. About 2,500 words in on the next chapter.

Here's an excerpt below the cut: ( cc @datshitrandom)

******** “I swear, I was clear from the beginning, Kurt.  I told him I wasn’t interested in him.  I told him it wasn’t a date that night.  I just agreed to go with him only because he said he’d donate a lot to the charity if I did.  I didn’t think anything of it.  I thought it was . .” “Nothing?” Blaine’s shoulders sagged.  “Yeah, “ he whispered.  “I thought it was.”  He scooted up the bed, so he could lean back against the headboard. “God, I’m so stupid . . “ he muttered as he closed his eyes. A weight settled in his lap, causing him to look up and see Kurt there, straddling him.  Blaine could see the concern in those blue eyes. “You’re not stupid.” “But . .” “Blaine, listen to me.  You’re not stupid.”  Kurt leaned forward to cup Blaine’s face in between his hands.  “Sebastian is a conniving, manipulative son-of-a-bitch and at this moment I’d like to heave his sorry ass and his smarmy meerkat face into the East River.” Kurt spat. Blaine’s hands tightened around Kurt’s waist.  This must have been what Cooper had described when he witnessed Kurt confront their father -  this unfettered protectiveness of Blaine.  He only had Cooper and Nan been so passionately in his corner before. Now he had Kurt . . and that . . that feeling was overwhelming. "You’re not going to bludgeon him with a rolling pin when you go into the tea salon next, will you?” Blaine said with a weak smile, pulling Kurt closer and trying to calm him down with a little gallows humor. “Don’t tempt me,”  growled Kurt.  “If I could, I’d set Chef Sue on him.  Then he’d really know what its like to fear for his life on a daily minute by minute basis.” “So. . . you love me enough to commit murder for me. . . I’m touched,” Blaine murmured quietly. “I love you. Period.” Kurt said, making sure Blaine could see in his eyes that he was telling the truth.   “Now, would I defile my baking equipment to beat a man to death to uphold your honor?  You fucking bet I would.” Kurt said, his mouth set into a grim line. *****

I know the holidays are upon us and these next two weeks there will probably be less writing for me and more running around like crazy taking are of holiday responsibilities. But yes folks, have no fear, I'm still very slowly ( as I do) working on my WIPs :)

Uh and I might have signed up for the Klaine secret santa writing thing - because I'm a masochist. 😂

Dear Secret Santa, please be patient with me! Its coming - I did start it!

Hope you all have a wonderful holiday season . . .

Tagging. . .for those who want to play . . . besides the lovely folks already tagged above . . if you want to share what they've been working on lately :

@special-bc-ur-part-of-it, @little-escapist, @wowbright, @gleefulpoppet, @hkvoyage

@myheartalivewrites, @14carrotghoul , @kirakiwiwrites, @thesleepyskipper, @kirakiwiwrites

@madas-ahatters-world, @spaceorphan18 @firstprincehornyramblings , @rockitmans, @sparklepocalypse

@cryscendo @justgleekout @sarkyblueeyes @esilher @mynonah

[merrybloomwrites]

Little Things (Chapter 3)

Summary: You finally feel comfortable enough to slip into your little headspace. It's scary at first, but Harry and Louis are there to care for you, no matter what age you are.

Word Count: 3.8K

CW: mentions of past abuse, dom/sub au dynamics, littlespace, non sexual age-regression

Previous chapters: one ; two

AN: This chapter focuses on reader slipping into little headspace, and really is what I've been waiting to write and share for months. I woke up this morning and sat to write the entire thing basically in one go, which never happens for me. I hope you all enjoy it!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Your first few weeks living with Harry and Louis are wonderful. You had never let yourself imagine what it would be like to live in a loving home. Not when you never had hope that you’d escape the nightmare you’d grown up in.

But now here you are. Living in a beautiful house, the adopted submissive of two dominants who love not only each other, but you as well. They show how much they care for you every day. They made routines and rules that aren’t overwhelming but still cater to your submissive nature. 

They were even gentle the one time so far when you’d broken a rule. It was three weeks in, and part of you needed to test them, to see if their love really is unconditional. You needed to make sure that they wanted you even when you acted out. So you’d broken a rule, then had an attitude when they asked you about it. 

As your punishment they gave you a gentle spanking, just three swats each over your clothes, then had you write lines. They made sure to give you aftercare, then served dinner and tucked you in that night, same as always. The whole incident made you feel ever more secure in your situation, now knowing that they’re willing to keep you even if you’re not perfect. 

You’ve been living with them for about five weeks now, and still haven’t slipped into your little headspace. There have definitely been a couple of times when you started to get fuzzy, a telltale sign that your mind wanted to regress, but you just weren’t ready yet, so you fought that off and managed to stay up. 

Louis and Harry were doing everything they can to help you be comfortable with slipping. You’ve all had a few conversations where you explain your past, and therefore, your hesitancy with trusting anyone when you’re not fully able to take care of yourself. 

Harry had suggested a pretend little day, where they’d do everything they would have to do when you regress, but while you’re still fully up. That way you would know exactly what they would do even when you aren’t fully present mentally. You hadn’t agreed right away, but last week you’d finally caved. 

The need to drop is weighing on you, and it’s only a matter of time until you succumb to your nature. So you’d spent a day pretending you were in little space, specifically that of a four year old. They’d help you eat, played with you and did crafts, and bathed you that night before bed. It had been odd letting these men help you with these things, but the day had done its job. You were no longer scared to drop with them. You knew they’d be gentle and loving and would take good care of you. 

You’re thinking about this one morning while you finish washing the breakfast dishes. It’s one of your daily tasks. Harry makes breakfast and you clean up. You love being able to help out in this way, and it always starts your day on a positive note.

Just as you’re putting the last dish in the washer, Harry says, “Mitch and Sarah asked if we could watch the kids for a bit so they can go Christmas shopping. Would you be up for that? If not I’ll just go and you and Louis can stay home.”

You think about it for a second before saying, “That sounds fun. I’d like to go.”

“Great, it’ll be a family outing then,” he replies. It makes you feel warm inside, the way he refers to you as family. You’re not sure you’ll ever get over how good that feels to hear. “Once you’re finished here, go get ready and then wait in the living room. We’ll be leaving in half an hour.” With that, he places a kiss on your head and walks out of the room. Those are other things you love, the little shows of fatherly affection as well as clearly stating what you’re meant to do when there are any routine changes. 

You’re excited to spend some time at Mitch and Sarah’s. You’d met them a couple of times and they’re always so kind to you. Plus they have two adorable sons, Rory, who is almost four and Theo who is only a couple months old. And you don’t really want to be away from Harry right now. For some reason you feel a deep need to be close to both of them at the moment, and the thought of one of them leaving the house makes you anxious. 

A short while later you all arrive at Mitch and Sarah’s and the couple heads out to run their errands. This leaves the three of you to watch over the two young boys. You get to feed Theo a bottle and help Louis put him down for a nap, and then you play with Rory while Harry and Louis watch. 

But as time goes on, you start to feel kind of out of it, more shy and quiet, so you head to the living room for a couple minutes. Louis finds you there and says, “You alright, love?”

You smile and say, “I’m okay. Just wanted to sit for a couple of minutes.”

“Okay, if you need anything tell us, okay?”

“I will,” you reply. Just then, sounds come through the monitor alerting Louis that Theo has woken up. Everyone ends up together in the living room and you spend the next hour watching Louis and Harry play with Rory and Theo. You watch how sweet and gentle they are, and you realize that’s how they’ll be with you when you slip. And you start to crave that. You want to be coddled, and held, and cared for. 

The fuzziness starts to get overwhelming, but you do your best not to slip yet. Not while you’re still out. You want to be home with just the two of them.

You’re grateful when Mitch and Sarah return and it’s time to head back to your place. You do your best to act normal when saying goodbye, but it’s clear the others pick up that something is bothering you. 

You struggle with the car door, needing to try twice to get the right grip to open it. The same thing happens with your seatbelt, Harry eventually coming to sit beside you and click it in. He stays with you as Louis drives home, and he asks you what’s going on.

“I’m slipping,” you quietly explain. Both men hear, and are filled with a mixture of excitement and nervousness. They love everything about you, and can’t wait to meet and learn about the younger versions of you. And yet they know how big of a deal this is, and they need to be careful right now to make sure this is a good experience for you. 

Harry reaches out and holds your hand, helping you stay grounded for the rest of the drive. Once at home, the three of you head to the living room. It’s become your favorite spot in the house, and you love sitting on the couch with Harry on one side and Louis on the other. It’s where you want to be when you finally enter headspace. 

The two men cuddle up next to you, giving you the support and comfort you need to allow yourself to slip. It’s noticeable when you finally do. Tension leaves your body and when you open your eyes there’s a glimmer of childlike wonder there. 

“Hello there, little one,” Louis says.

“I’m not little!” you reply, but not in your normal way. “I’m six! That makes me a big kid.”

“Ah, well yes of course you’re a big kid!” Harry says. He won’t admit it, but he’s slightly relieved that you didn’t slip all the way, and you’re still old enough to clearly communicate. 

“And what would our girl like to do today?” Louis asks. 

“Hmmm,”  you say, putting on a big show of thinking. “Can we play dress up?”

“I think we can make that work,” Harry answers. Half an hour later finds the three of you in Harry and Louis' large bathroom. You and Harry are in big dresses, pretending to be princes, while Louis is in an outfit similar to that of a prince. You’re doing Harry’s hair and makeup, bright colors splashed on his cheeks and eyelids. You look at your masterpiece with pride, and don’t notice the proud look Harry and Louis share as well while they watch you. 

The three of you spend the afternoon playing prince and princesses, then coloring, then making a pillow fort. Dinner is a simple meal, and you discover they’ve been hiding mac and cheese in the house this whole time! After dinner you all get into comfy pajamas and watch a disney movie together. You start to nod off during it, and Harry carries you up to bed with Louis following. They tuck you in as always, but this time they stay and sing until you’ve fallen asleep.

The next morning you wake up and you’re no longer in headspace. You're nervous to go downstairs, not sure what to expect.

“Good morning, love,” Louis says in greeting. “How are you feeling today?”

“I’m good. Not in headspace anymore,” you reply, nerves clear in your voice and you sit next to him at the table.

“And that’s completely fine, Y/N,” he says, reaching out a hand to hold yours. 

“You’re not disappointed that I’m already big again?”

“Not at all!”

“And you didn’t think it was weird yesterday when I was?”

“No sweetheart. We’ve told you before, we love you, every version of you. It doesn’t matter what age you’re at, we love you just as you are.” 

Tears fill your eyes at this, and you look to Harry who is nodding along to show he agrees with everything Louis just said. You’re speechless as they both hold you. It’s hard for you to believe that just months ago you were still living in a house of horrors, afraid to slip even a little bit, and now here you are. Safe, loved, and looking forward to entering littlespace again. 

It happens a week later, but under much different circumstances. You’d felt just fine getting into bed, but halfway through the night you have a terrible dream. You’re stuck in it for what feels like forever before you finally wake up crying, yelling out for your Daddy and Papa.

Harry and Louis hear commotion and quickly run to your room. They’re shocked to see you sobbing and reaching out for Harry while saying daddy repeatedly. He picks you up and you wrap your limbs around him, holding on tight. He feels dampness where your waist rests, and realizes that you’ve wet the bed. 

Louis is rubbing your back when Harry tells him this, and he walks away to feel the sheets. The wetness there confirms Harry’s theory and Louis quickly begins to strip the bed and clean it up. But you notice his absence and start crying out again, this time for papa. 

It becomes clear in that moment that little you has chosen names for both Harry and Louis, but they can’t focus on that right now. Getting you changed and calm is their only priority. 

“Papa’s here, baby,” Louis says and he comes over to rub your back once again. “I’m just cleaning up your bed honey. Can you let daddy clean you up as well and then we’ll all go cuddle? How does that sound?”

“Okay,” you finally say between gasps of breath. Harry stands and rocks you for another moment, whispering calming words like, “Daddy’s here”, and “you’re safe,” and “Papa and I have you now”.

His soothing finally works and your sobbing turns into an occasional tear. Harry places you on the changing table and cleans you up, getting you into a new outfit, a pullup going on in place of underwear just to be safe. 

When he’s finished he goes to lay you down in your bed but you fuss once more and say, “No, daddy! Wanna stay with you and papa!” 

“Okay honey, you can stay with us tonight,” he says. Louis grabs your favorite stuffed animal and the three of you make your way to their bedroom. Harry places you down and Louis quickly lays next to you, knowing you’ll be upset when Harry steps away to change his dirty clothes. 

As predicted you start to ask for daddy again just Louis reassures you that he’ll be right back. Finally, all three of you are cuddled together in bed. You’ve forgotten all about your bad dream and are quickly lulled to sleep, surrounded by the warmth of your Daddy and Papa.

The next day you’re still in the headspace of a three year old, but this time a happy one. It’s a day filled with play and giggles, ending with a bubble bath and time in the rocking chair with your daddy as you drift off to sleep.

Once again you're slightly unsure how to feel when you wake up out of headspace. You know they’ve said they love you at any age, but this time they had to bathe you, help you with using the toilet. That has to change the way they see you, right?

You know they’re watching you through the monitor so you say, “I’m not in headspace anymore,” just to let them know. You get up and do your normal routine, and when you get downstairs you see they’re going along with a normal day as well. Nothing has changed, and they still act the same as usual. You’re once again reassured by this, and you’re really starting to believe them when they say that no part of you regressing bothers them. 

Time passes and you slip into headspace more and more, typically for just a day at a time, and always somewhere in the four to seven year age range. 

But now it’s almost the anniversary of the day you were rescued and brought to the shelter. This has you thinking more and more about your home and all the abuse and neglect you experienced there. Your anxiety has been rising for days, and your brain needs to shut down. It needs rest, and an escape. It needs to slip even further than you have yet while living with Harry and Louis.

You just don’t know how to tell them that. It’s scarier than all the other times you’ve slipped. You know that you’ll be fully dependent on them if you allow yourself to do what your mind needs. 

For days you keep it to yourself, hiding the fuzziness you’re feeling and doing everything in your power to stay out of headspace. 

Louis has to head out of town for a couple of nights in order to get prep work done for a few festivals he has coming up. This adds to your anxiety, since you’ve never been separated from either of them for more than a few hours. 

He leaves Monday morning, and you’re good. You’re managing. Tuesday is harder, and most of your energy goes into fighting off the need to slip. 

By that evening you’re exhausted. You’re cranky, and scared, and that causes you to act out, throwing a tantrum unlike one Harry has ever seen. 

He goes to reprimand you and that tips you over the edge. You start to cry, big tears rolling down your cheeks. You fall into Harry, no longer able to support yourself. He carries you over to the couch and places you in his lap, rocking and shushing to soothe you. 

When you’ve finally calmed down you look up at him, your wide eyes red and glimmering from your tears. 

It isn’t until you start calling Harry “Dada”, that he realizes what’s going on. You’ve gone into headspace, and you’re younger than he’s ever seen you before. He doesn’t know what to do, but when he sees your eyelids droop, he decides the first order of business is to get you ready for bed. He starts with a warm bath, then brings you to your room. He opens a drawer they’ve never used before, the one with nappies and onesies. He gets you dressed and cozy and then sits with you on the rocking chair. After singing you to sleep he gently places you in your bed and raises the rails on the sides to ensure you won’t fall out. 

Finally he turns on the monitor so he can watch you and then goes back to the kitchen. He makes himself a cup of tea, and calls Louis.

“Hi love!” Louis says cheerfully as he answers the phone. “How’s it going? How’s our girl?”

“It’s uhm. She’s-” Harry stutters out.

“What’s wrong?” Louis asks, immediately picking up on Harry’s tone. 

“It’s Y/N. She’s in headspace.”

“Is she alright?”

“Yea it’s just- She’s young Louis. Like, I think infant young. I got her in bed but, Lou, I don’t know what to do! I don’t want to mess this up.”

Louis is quiet for a second, thinking of the best way to reply, and finally says, “Harry, listen to me. You absolutely know what to do. I trust you completely with her care. But, I’m going to talk to Oli so I can come home right away. Not because I don’t think you can handle this on your own, but because you shouldn’t have to. We’re a team, and we always work together. Hopefully I’ll be home in a couple of hours but if she wakes up, you know what to do. Change her, soothe her, feed her. Those will be her main needs right now. If she’s as young as you think she is then we have those meal replacements in the pantry to make her a bottle.You can do this.”

It’s Harry’s turn to take a pause before he says a quiet, “Thank you, Louis. I feel like I should have seen this coming. She was off all afternoon and then just exploded on me and the next thing I knew she was in my arms calling me dada. It just scared me. But I helped her calm down and then gave her a bath. She’s in bed now.”

“It’s completely understandable to be scared. But it sounds like you did all the right things. You should get some rest in case she wakes up in the middle of the night before I get back,” Louis says.

“Yea, I think I’ll do that. I love you, Lou.”

“I love you too, Harry. I’ll be there soon, definitely by morning but hopefully earlier.”

“Be safe,” Harry implores and Louis assures him that he will be. After saying goodbye, they hang up and Harry listens to Louis’ advice. He gets ready for bed, and goes to lie down, but he’s too worried about you to sleep. He instead goes back to your room, settling in on the rocking chair so he’s close by in case you need anything. 

Harry doesn’t know when he falls asleep, but he’s woken up by sounds in the room. He’s confused when he sees two people in the bed, until he pieces together that Louis is home. Louis is home and sitting in your bed, holding you in his lap and feeding you a bottle. Harry watches for a moment before getting up and moving closer.

“Hi, sun,” Louis says, smiling up at Harry. 

“Hi,” Harry replies sleepily. “Is she alright?” 

“Started fussing a few minutes after I got home. Gave her a change and figured she might be a little hungry. Why don’t you head to bed and I’ll settle her back down?”

“Are you sure? You just spend hours on the road.”

“Ah, well, I spent hours sleeping in the car while Oli drove. So I’m good for a bit. Go get some rest.”

“Okay,” Harry says. He leans down to press a kiss to Louis’ lips, then one to your head, and then heads to bed.

Louis stays with you until you’ve finished eating. He lays you down and makes sure you’re asleep before leaving the room as well.

After a quick bathroom break, Louis climbs into bed next to Harry, who is still awake. 

“How is she?” Harry asks.

“She’s perfect. Peacefully asleep, and well cared for. You did a good job, Harry. You don’t need to worry. I’ve got the monitor going, we’ll hear her if she needs something. Let’s get some more rest.”

Finally they both fall asleep, and the house is peaceful.

For the next two days, you remain deep in littlespace. Louis and Harry diligently care for you, ensuring you’re clean, fed, and happy. They do start to worry and call Emily from the shelter who reassures them that this is normal. She explains that it’s a good thing. It shows how much you trust the two men. And it’s giving your mind a much needed rest.

You finally come up a little at a time. It’s hard for you to readjust to being big again. You’re unsteady on your feet after a couple days of not using them, and Harry and Louis support you to make sure you don’t fall. They give you soft foods at first, scared that you’ll choke on anything else. You have an accident that night while you sleep, and Louis helps you clean up. You’re surprised to find that this no longer embarrasses you. It’s a form of intimacy you never thought you’d have, but you trust him and Harry so much that it doesn’t feel weird. It feels right, letting them in and allowing them to see all of you, both physically and mentally. 

The next night after they tuck you into bed, you think back to one year ago. At that time you never could have imagined this. Having a home full of love where you’re wanted and protected. You can’t help but get back out of bed to find Harry and Louis one more time before you go to sleep. They’re in the kitchen, worried when they see you out of bed, but you smile at them to tell them nothing is wrong. 

“Thank you,” you say. “Thank you for taking such good care of me. I love you, daddy, I love you, papa.” You give each of them a kiss on the head and they give you one in return. 

From then on you’re never afraid to slip into headspace again. You know that Louis and Harry will always be there for you, and that’s all you need.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

AN: Thank you for reading! I have a couple more ideas for this dynamic but I'm not sure when I'll do those. If there's anything you want to see let me know!

[yawnderu]

TW: Mentions of suicidal thoughts and mental health, depression.

Hi! I'm sorry I haven't been active here, I've been struggling for a few months now and everything was building up to a breaking point so these past 2 weeks have been just awful.

Thank you so much to everyone who wished me a happy birthday! I really really appreciate it, and I'm very thankful for every single person who has interacted with me and my blog. ^^

I don't know if I'll keep writing or if I'll use this blog/Tumblr much, quite honestly I got into writing when I was pretty motivated and had a serotonin surge after getting out of an abusive relationship and I was pretty much the happiest I've ever been despite struggling with my mental health since middle school.

Sadly, that didn't last long and it came crashing down harder than ever. Don't worry, I'm not going to kill or harm myself, I simply wanted to apologize for not being active, not replying to dms and comments much, and generally just being way less active than what I used to be.

Thank you to all of you, I made really awesome friends here and just know that if you ever interacted with my content, I see you, and I appreciate you more than you could ever think. This blog is what kept me going for a very long time, so thank you a lot for that as well!<3

Now this isn't a farewell, just an explanation. It's likely I'll come here to leave posts every once in a while once I'm doing a bit better, and I'm active daily on Discord in case any of my mutuals want to add me there.

I play MW3 quite a lot too, so if any of my followers would like to play, we can do that as well!<3

[corgitation]

how I use xTiles to help me study

For the past few weeks, I've been using a new app to help me study and I think it's been really useful! I used to use Notion as an online dashboard, but trying to make an effective template would overwhelm me. This app is similar, but simpler. This is my current setup:

pomodoro timer: I love the flocus app, and they've made a widget that you can embed directly onto xTiles! I switch it between home mode and focus mode when I'm working on my studies

stopwatch: this is another embedded site, and I use this one to time my activities. It's simple and does exactly what it needs to: start, pause, clear. This way I can track the individual actions to log into lingotrack

youtube video: I love to study to video game music, so I've picked one that I like and I can play the video directly from my dashboard. I switch this out as needed

dailies links: I've linked all of the sites that I use daily for studying: wanikani for vocab and kanji, bunpro for grammar, this blog for study logs, lingotrack for time tracking, and natively for tracking immersion progress (although lingotrack has a feature for this as well, so I may switch to that)

fun pictures: just for the good vibes :)

[kaile-hultner]

GoFundMe Update, 8/12/2024

Hey y'all! it's been about a week since the last GoFundMe update. We've hit a pretty predictable slow period in this fundraiser, a kind of doldrums, but I also got super busy over the last seven days, so it's all good there. So what's been going on in the past week?

To start with, as I mentioned last week I'm down to just one installment loan. This in itself has already made a massive difference just even in terms of how I'm feeling. It no longer feels like I'm being crushed by this massive weight on my shoulders or chest. I know I've mentioned this a lot, but it's such a weird feeling after experiencing the opposite for most of my adult life.

With that, things are already starting to change rapidly: my credit score has gone up 23 points in a week and a half, for example. I hate that this is even something we should have to pay attention to, but I can't help but feel relieved when number go up instead of down. The number of phone calls I'm getting per day, in the evenings, on the weekends - all the debt collection calls - has dropped dramatically. Now it's mostly just spam and companies trying to get me to take out more loans with them. I've experienced a burst of creative energy that has gotten me back in the game-playing-and-reviewing saddle - I just wrote a piece about "A Short Hike" as a donor request fulfillment exercise. (You can check that out here.) I was able to get through an entire weekend of work at my side-gig with no issues or delays—something I haven't been able to say for a few months. And when I finished that work? You'll never believe it, but I didn't feel stressed out or exhausted! I felt normal!

This doesn't automatically catapult me into 24/7 comfortable living, and now I really have to focus on the hard and dirty work of living within my means, building a budget and being an adult when it comes to daily choices, but I always knew that. This GFM has never been the magic bullet that would solve all of my problems - and I've never wanted it to be. However, it's helped assuage such a significant portion of my problems that I can focus on other things for once, and navigating that for the first time has been a pretty significant experience! This comes after months of having to transfer my paycheck from my bank to my Apple Pay account and a litany of other sketchy shit just to make sure it didn't all get swallowed up by various debt repayments and years of sometimes paying rent in parts instead of all at once. With most of that gone and cleared out, I no longer have to do all that! I don't feel like I'm constantly between a rock and a hard place, and that's… honestly pretty significant.

So what's next? Why am I still moving forward with the GFM towards $8000 and eventually $10000+?

Well, as I've said in prior updates, it's still pretty unbelievable that we reached $6500+ and I genuinely have no expectations about getting even a cent more. If nobody else donates, I think I would be pretty pleased with what this GFM was able to accomplish. But I don't think I'm totally out of the woods yet. Thanks to your help, I've upgraded from "basically completely underwater" to "balancing precariously on the edge of the dock," and there's a WORLD of difference between those two states. But that doesn't mean I don't ever again have to worry about the possibility of almost drowning.

Goal 4 would help me pay off my remaining installment loan, and with that close the book on that chapter of my life altogether. I've got these two annoying (paid monthly) loans in the background, but paying $40 and $78 a month respectively for them isn't really all that bad. It's not moving the needle the way these installment loans (paid every two weeks on my payday) were. I'd like to get rid of this final installment loan pretty quickly if possible. I'm currently just a bit under $1400 away from that goal, and I think it's pretty attainable.

Goal 5, $10,000, and Goal 6, $10,000+, are maybe my vaguest goals, so I want to flesh those out a bit. For those goals, I'm thinking of my long-term future more than anything immediate. If I can get anything past $8K, great! That will be money I put into a savings account and start adding to on my own. The reason I'm putting these goals at the end of this GFM is because in a little bit less than a year, I'm looking at the end of a pretty long arrangement I've had at the place I'm living, and the situation is that either rent is going to raise pretty significantly or (more likely) I'm going to be finding a new place to live. Having some money in savings is going to help me out with this in two ways: first, being able to pay a deposit on an apartment or absorb some of the cost of raised rent. Second, being able to put down a down payment on a car. My (smaller) worry is that, even with the radical erasure of my most immediate and crushing debts that this GFM has already afforded me, I may not have enough time to save this kind of money on my own, and/or that my credit score won't heal fast enough to qualify me for cheaper car payments, apartment deposits that aren't an arm and a leg, and so on. For context, I live in Oklahoma, which has a relatively cheap cost of living, but it's practically impossible to get around without a car as OKC's transit system is bootycheeks.

Finally (and least importantly), I promised when I set this GFM up that it would be the last time I asked for money from the Internet for this or any reason, outside of like a medical emergency. I set $10k up as a moonshot goal, something I didn't think it was possible to achieve - and yet here it is, barely $3400 away. If we make it to the end, that's gonna feel like a wild achievement! I'd finally be able to rest easy.

Here's a bad car metaphor I just thought of: you know how when you jump a car, you don't just plug up the jumper cables from one car to another and call it good when the car in need of jumping starts? You have to give it a little bit of extra juice in order for the car to restart its own charging capacity? That's kind of what this GFM is. I'm the car being jumped. The fundraiser is the other car revving its engine and giving me a bit of extra juice after I was able to start my own engine again.

See? told you it was bad.

Anyway, as always, I cannot thank those of you who have already donated enough. None of this would be possible if it wasn't for you, and my inbox is always open if you want to suggest cursed internet artifacts for me to look at. Someone suggested the entire series of Eyewitness children's science documentaries to me. I have no clue if I'll be able to find them. I've been vibing on the theme song for days tho. The only thing I would ask of you at this point is to share this GFM on social media, maybe link back to this update directly, and let's see if we can't find some extra wind for these sails to get us closer to that final goal. If you can't donate, please don't feel pressured to donate! Just reblogging it is more than enough help.

[academicazura]

22 / 250 days of productivity • June 18th (yeees, i took a selfie using my laptop as a reflective surface, do NOT judge me)

hi! i've been dead to the world for the past couple of weeks basically. i'm okay! been super depresso so i'm not great, but i'm definitely okay!

so i wanted to come back, first to thank you all (whatever reason you guys had) for getting this blog to 200 followers! i very much appreciate that even my chaotic content has found its viewers 🩵

and i also wanted to make a comeback for other reasons. i may not be feeling great but i get these flashes of good feelings, like fleeting moments of happiness, and i just think there must be something to document even if i feel mostly bad... so i hope y'all are here for it (it being me desperately trying to see the good in myself and the world)

today i

kind of blew my mom off because i've been a ball of rage since saturday, so i just stayed home alone

jammed a bit on my guitar and tried to be okay with my strained voice

wrote down a couple of pages of study notes

went for a long walk (i took the longer route to avoid a bridge full of teenagers, so yeah...)

played Dreamlight Valley because i hate the game but i'm absolutely addicted to visiting it daily

and as you can see i've been making some digital notes on the Kant-book i read a while back, cause i thought, hey why not use time on this... at least i have sufficient simple notes if i ever end up actually interested in this freak

SRY about the chaos, i will be normal at some point. not now but like in october maybe? hang around and let's find out!

📺: Terese i Kassan, omg i've been enjoying swedish tv so much recently. found out about this show, saw Emma Peters, who i LOVED on På Spåret and i was hooooked. it doesn't have a great rating and i can understand it - the humor isn't for everyone but i've definitely grown fond of this show after a few episodes and i can't wait to watch more

🎧Golden Hour, YORK, Au/Ra -- i accidentally played this today on my walk and i gotta say this paired with my mood and the sunshine was a great vibe. don't you give up!

[alicenpai]

taking a break from merch!

been feeling incredibly burnt out, so here are some thoughts on merch and events and shop stuff this year 🤔 LONGGG ass ramblings below

im going to be posting maybe like 1 or 2 merch posts daily for the next week-ish, just as a heads up!

i apologize in advance bc i feel like sometimes people just do not care about merch posts as opposed to regular ol' drawings (yes i know the psychology is that people dont like to be advertised to)... but i think the launch of my shop opening was pretty poorly timed 😬

the canada post strike (making canadians averse to purchases online, although i do not use canada post, i think a lot of people are under the assumption that most businesses use canpost) + combined with the EU product safety scare + maybe with tons of black friday competition + posting on the weekend has mixed results ..

i'm reconsidering the decision to reopen the store in dec, as i won't have any new items. additionally, this has been long overdue - i'm going to take a break from merch (besides the few events i already have coming up in dec+jan) to focus on what i really want from art. another thing that i gotta bring up is - this is the first year where i started doing more events past the summer, and well into the winter. i usually make a huge batch of new designs in late spring (for my biggest event, anime north), and a smaller batch in late summer (otakuthon). but, now i've been making new designs year round, which really is not something i'm used to, and contributed to the burnout. i've often been questioning myself, "does this need to be made?", "is this good art?" and it leads me to spiral more than necessary.

similarly, i should be working on my portfolio instead, as a lot of my portfolio works are from art school T__T i keep postponing it, i tell myself "oh just one more event, just one more event" bc i have trouble dividing my attention. how did i even do personal art + buttload of homework during animation school? HAHAHA. not to be harsh but like. what am i doing honestly 😭... i love making personal art, but i WISH i had MORE to show for my career. i want to go back into visual development. once im ready, i'll go back to drawing illustrations. in the meantime, i'll do a lot of reflection and chatting with friends, playing games, etc. getting in touch with the things i missed while i was busy crunching... --- also compiling a list of products that i have thoughts on - charms: - right off the bat, as i mentioned before, i think i've exhausted all i can from this lineless/borderless charm style! chibis for me are not artistically that interesting to draw hahaha... i don't think i'll make any more of charms in this style (unless i get a really good idea?). - i've been thinking of either stopping charms altogether, or lessening charm designs in the future. if i still... want to make charms after my break... i might opt to draw in a bust style instead. i'm really inspired by these one piece designs by my friend avenoirn..!! and these rdr wood charms by searift are so good!! but otherwise my current plan is to just focus on prints and stickers. they are infinitely easier to store too AHAHAHA.

- above: furthermore, this style does not suit all series unfortunately, examples above where i think the design is a bit weak... and i think that's where my weakness lies T__T i make things to satiate my curiosity for a short while HAHAHA but there are so many times where i'm just not proud of, or i feel indifferent, to the merch i make months down the road. - unfortunately charms are a huge seller at conventions, because of their small nature and cute quality i guess they make good gifts? i find that for me my charms didn't sell well in the past, until i switched over to this new style in 2023. i think along the way i started prioritizing charms more, and just making things that didn't work in the style like above. in reality, my heart wanted to make illustrative stuff like prints and sticker sheets, even though these products take infinitely longer to create, due to the amount of drafting and research i put into each piece. (funnily enough charms dont sell as well online + people buy stickers more) - it's getting infinitely more and more expensive to import charms from asia. first of all, shipping costs have increased, and secondly... government customs fees are truly the icing on top. it's been hard for small businesses since covid, and how heavily chinese packages have been taxed. - to be transparent, here are my suppliers: - i used vograce from 2015-2022, but over time felt that their quality declined so i stopped using them. - i use juno consistently, but also opt for kuien if i need a rush order done (~within a week, but also gotta pay premium for that rush service!!). - i have tried wooacry and can attest that their quality is good! to me it's not much different than juno's quality, besides small colour nuance and there (since wooacry's printers have the ability to print from RGB), however my designs tend to be on the simpler side.

- above, wooacry: although, it's hard to keep sizes consistent between designs (but i am a fool in this regard because i didn't check the digital mockup that precisely), so i probably won't use wooacry for huge character lineups unless i am 100% sure my charm designs are all the same size. - also geez... i didn't know people felt so hostile towards charms. (the entire disk horse on twitter if you've seen it. the original poster made a 2nd post that clarified their intent, which was, honestly?? incredibly well thought and nuanced. but the first post opened a whole can of worms, that didn't need to be that explosive from the get go, exposing myself and many other artists who make charms to other people's aggressive viewpoints). - at the same time, i understand that the scope of "anime fan merch" is very much "lowbrow art", but to act superior because one doesn't make acrylic products is a bit discouraging to say the least. i have already wanted to stop or slow down on charm designs for a long time, but this is the final blow for me. like damn. okay. ---

stickers: - importing stickers from US suppliers into canada has also similarly become more expensive with taxes TT to be transparent, i use stickerbunnies and i personally love them, however with taxes and slow response times, i cannot vouch for them all too much if you don't live in the US. however i think they would be okay if you didn't have a deadline (e.g. off peak con season) - currently i'm looking into local canadian manufacturers with affordable pricing, as well as the ability to commit to rather large orders (a few hundred)... unfortunately i'm rather picky with vinyl quality. my biggest character flaw. i used jukebox for a few designs, however they are pricey if there is no current sale. --- specialty: - also this is something ive been thinking for a while, but i'm likely going to discontinue "specialty" merch in the future..

- above: anything that's not prints, stickers, regular charms... - it's ironic bc as artists grow bigger they want to branch out into new unique types of merch.. i just don't find that they sell that well for me >< i'm a bit sad at the marcille pudding, i honestly thought it would sell better. still fawkin love it though. - they cost an arm and leg to boot = higher price = harder to sell? or maybe my design sense is just bad!!!!! - the only specialty stuff i have ideas for right now are some baccano coins + poker chips... wooacry posed a potential interest for them so im. rubbing my hands greedily like a fly. -- wood: - whoa i was really negative above LMAO. one thing i DO want to try out more are layered wood pins!!

- i really enjoyed working on the wooden layton pins i have... they don't sell that well online anymore i guess bc all of my followers have seen it a million times already LMAO but they sell quite well in person!! - thankfully wood is not that pricey and i can stick to small batches for them (like 10 quantity each?) - inspiration: i LOVE these wooden dunmeshi pins seirui made. i cant wait for mine to arrive...!! also love the backing pins, they add so much character!! general - oftentimes when i make a set of products, i find that main characters sell better than supporting characters. after a while of promoting them as last chance items online + bargain bin items at cons, they just don't sell and i'm left with a ton of unwanted merch T__T what do i do with the rest of the characters that don't sell? i do have to admit i'm concerned about waste, and there are no good resources on recycling old merch. - what i did in the past was - for buttons specifically - tear them apart AHAHAHAHA. buttons are made out of metal + paper + plastic and the former two can be recycled in my area. i'm not sure if it helps but i tried to do it as per my area's recycling rules... - acrylic charms are another matter altogether. i try to gift them as much as i can... - prints are great however because i can just use them as scrap paper or recycle them if unwanted!! - i got a little carried away making merch this year. i think i'll have to go back to my old method, which was making merch in small quantities, and only sell a small number that i can confidently rely on (~10 or less).

[crazylittlejester]

DAILY BRAINROT

I got jump scared by a pedestrian on my way to get groceries because I was thinking about this, and I don't have a good excuse because I am also a pedestrian.

Adding a "half out of control ADHD" disclaimer on this one.

I have been seized by the brainrot, and it is holding me hostage until I finish writing out Legend and Wild meeting for the first time in the vigilante AU, and that's why the next chapter of poor Hyrule's fic hasn't been touched today.

Legend gets to be happy in this AU because I think he's earned it. He's been around for like... basically forever, so he gets to have all the friends he wants. I am aggressively improving his quality of life here. I went to the effort of finding him a sandwich recipe (and honestly might try it myself because it looks tasty).

Back to the point, which is that I was thinking about what powers everyone would have in this AU when I was going to get groceries. It's a very tough question, and the fact that my area of expertise in high school was Marvel is not helping because there are too many options to pick from. So I only managed to work out the abilities for two of the boys so far, which is half the reason why I'm making Wild and Legend play nice with each other today.

Long story short, I decided Wild should actually get a copy-and-paste ability AND I HAVE A GOOD REASON, OK. I love love love the idea that the Shrine of Resurrection's Sheikah Juice stuff is actually liquid information and since I can, I figured why not just replace his blood with it or something?? It's fanfiction I can do what I want. So now Wild has blue Shrine Juice blood and is sort of partly like a computer I guess, which means he has the ability to copy "files" and store them in his "system memory." Which... actually kind of explains the amnesia, I guess. Had to delete a few "files" (memories) to make space for the new "files" (abilities/powers). Obviously I've got to put a limit on him otherwise he'd be WAY TOO POWERFUL, so I'm thinking that each "file" either has a cool-down period of 1x every 24 hours or he has to pick 1 power to use for each 24-hour period. This explains how the Champions' gifts and the abilities from TotK work, and it makes me feel Very Smart.

Legend is actually pretty boring in comparison. I didn't really want to have to pick between his numerous items, so I gave him a very basic enhancement ability with an emphasis on speed and agility in the legs so he can run around on top of buildings and do parkour. His power isn't anything special, it's how he uses it that's actually interesting because he's had to make up for being Very Vanilla. It DOES let him keep up with most people, though, with few exceptions. And I like this because I think it kind of does reflect on how he's not really a special person by himself and that his being interesting comes from his experience and knowledge and inventory. He's the guy who's been everywhere, done everything, and knows everyone, and that's where a surprisingly large amount of his flavor comes from.

I have a rough idea for Sky, but I'm not completely sold on anything for him, yet (because of the whole deal with Demise and all). I'm extremely tempted to make him think he's a normal guy when he just uses his Terrifying Prophetic Abilities in his sleep. Like, he thinks he probably sleepwalks so he tells Twilight and Warriors when he moves in and the first week goes okay, but then for the second week he is walking in his sleep and doing Crazy Shit while spitting out Creepy Prophecies about stuff. It's concerning, and they're trying to figure out how to tell Sky to go to therapy because he is An Absolute Ray of Sunshine during the day. (Maybe he just has remlit powers?)

Legend gets to be happy in this AU because I think he's earned it <- OBSESSED WITH THIS.

COPY AND PASTE ABILITY. I LOVE IT.

REMLIT POWERS ALSKDKDKD

dude oh my GOD i fucking love all your au’s so much, the insane amount of detail you put in em???? I eat it up every goddamn time. thank you for bestowing upon me your brainrot every day 🙏

[cbk1000]

Hey, so kind of a general writing/not been on tumblr much update (because apparently I'm so perpetually online people will ask me if I'm ok after a few days of me not posting as much lmao): I have been having some health issues. I haven’t really mentioned them aside from updating a couple people I talk to daily on why I've been so quiet because a.) I felt too poorly to do anything other than marathon sitcoms I've seen a bazillion times, and b.) I didn't know what was going on.

The tl; dr is that, after getting diagnosed with strep throat a few weeks ago, and feeling mostly normal aside from some minor irritation in my throat, I started feeling horribly weak and overall just fucking terrible, and I was having bad tachycardia. Like a heart rate in the high 130s just standing, and a sitting heart rate of like 110 (my normal resting heart rate is in the low 70s). Three trips to the ER later, a bunch of normal labs and cardiac tests, and my boss (ER nurse for 20 years) pushing for an echo, and I finally got a diagnosis of pericarditis, which is inflammation of the sac around your heart. It's most commonly caused by viruses. The ER doc suspects my strep throat was misdiagnosed and I had a virus that caused the inflammation of my heart, although I think bacterial infections can sometimes cause it as well. I've been put on high dose ibuprofen and some acid reflux meds to protect my stomach while I'm on such a high dose of ibuprofen, and I have to take it easy for at least the next week and then be careful and play it by ear. I have been too weak to even sit up much for the past several days and cannot stand for very long, which is infuriating as someone who does one-armed push-ups for funsies.

Anyway, all this is to say, I'm still alive, the next chapter of Book of Merthur (for any of you following it) was coming along just fine but for obvious reasons is a bit postponed now. I'll probably be off work all next week again and hopefully will feel strong enough to get in a bit of writing. (And for any readers about to say, 'Oh my God, don't worry about that, take care of yourself!!' I am literally gnashing my teeth to go back to writing and am furious that my last week or so has consisted of me being too exhausted even to read. I've been marathoning sitcoms I've seen a bazillion times, I'm not even much of a TV watcher, and I'm going crazy. Yesterday I lifted two books to get to the one I wanted underneath them, and was so exhausted I went straight back to bed. THEY WERE PAPERBACKS. AND NOT WAR AND PEACE PAPERBACKS.)

[ros3ybabe]

Do you have any study tips for people who find it hard to concentrate for long periods of time, or just struggle to even sit down and focus?

Hi! I'm so sorry for the late answer, I've been busy with classwork, curating my schedule for the next few weeks, and just life in general.

I myself struggle to sit down and focus and have trouble concentrating for long periods of time. Everyone works differently and some things may not be helpful to everyone, just a disclaimer!

Something I do that really helps me is to have a set "ritual" I do every time I need to or at least know I need to do school work or productive things that I personally want to do.

My current "ritual" includes the following, in order:

Make a cup of my preferred drink (currently iced coffee with one sweet n low and French vanilla creamer) + grab a glass or bottle of water

Set out all my necessary materiales (studying ex: textbooks, stationary, technology, planner, etc)

Take a deep breath

Write out a todo list that is managable for what I want/need to accomplish

Flick on my desk lamp

Begin the first step for the first talk (open textbook, go to website, write out note title, etc)

My brain got into the habit of "lamp flicks on, sip of coffee, time to work" and it became very automated.

Lately, I've tried to spread out my necessary tasks out throughout a week (within necessary due dates) with daily planning for flexibility of my schedule and whatever things pop up. I believe being flexible with scheduling tasks helps a lot because sometimes I have more energy on some days than others, and other times, I need to allocate energy to other priorities.

For concentrating for long periods of time, I try to figure out my limits, and do whatever I can to work with myself and not against myself. I have severe unmedicated ADHD (as well as other things mentally) and I've learned to listen to my brain and body as best I can.

I can not concentrate if my phone is not near me or within eyesight when I study. I will be too preoccupied thinking about my phone and any missed notifications if I can't see my phone. Answering texts and calls while doing homework does not interfere with my productivity as it takes me a few seconds to type out a message and hit send or answer a call and listen/explain that I'm busy. (it's usually my dad who calls me, and I have no problem stopping my work to talk to my dad).

I need caffiene to give me that push to start. Once I taste my coffee, I know it's time to crack down on my assignments and start focusing on my work.

Background noise!! Very rarely can I listen to music when working at home, so I usually have a comfort show or some youtube video playing in the background while I do work. When I'm on campus, I listen to a specific playlist while doing schoolwork, usually more mellow music like Lana Del Ray, The Neighborhood, Chase Atlantic, MARINA, Mitski, Arctic Monkeys, Mother Mother, Cigarettes After Sex, beebadoobee, Taylor Swift etc. I normally listen to K-pop, but my favorite songs are too upbeat for getting work done.

I try not to watch the clock or set a timer because I never really know how long some assignments will take and if I'm watching the time pass I tend to get anxious and then my mind will wander from the task at hand.

Water!! I have to remind myself all the time, but having water at my desk or study area keeps me hydrated, which keeps me focused and awake.

I try not to eat big meals right before I do work. If I do eat something substantial before I need to work, I always wait 30 to 60 minutes so I can perk back up and properly focus on my work.

Never push past my physical energy limits. If I'm falling asleep at my desk, if I'm yawning uncontrollably, if my body feels heavy with fatigue, I will not push myself past exhaustion as that is no longer healthily productive.

Sleep is a priority!! If I'm sleepy and tired and groggy, I can't work properly. When I'm low on sleep, I also tend to over do the caffiene and overeat, which makes me both uncontrollably anxious and shaky while also making me more lethargic, thus inhibiting my work ability.

Listening to my body and learning how I work best has been the most helpful in my concentration and productivity abilities. I know when I'm feeling off, how to determine what I need in order to feel more regulated and functional. Good, healthy habits and a little self intuition go a long way for me.

I hope this was helpful in some way. I didn't want to give generic or basic tips because this is not a one size fits all topic. I'm open to any other questions!!

Til next time, lovelies!! 🩷

[babyyae]

Oblivious

I slowly opened my eyes, looking at the dark wooden ceiling above me, an overwhelming tornado of memories reminded me where I was and what happened. The stabbing pain in my hip helped with it as well, as I noticed the injury wrapped in a bandage, crimson color changing its color from white. I sat on the couch I previously layed on, pulling the blanket off me and my boots hit the ground softly. I looked around the room, the safehouse we were in was in much worse condition than the previous ones we've been to. My eyes then glanced on the ground, and there I saw them, my two squadmates. A wave of comfort washed over me as I looked at one of the person who was in a way responsible for my injury, I didn't think before I jumped straight in front of him, taking the bullet for him.. He shouldn't have brought me comfort, but he did. This is probably the first time I've seen him sleeping in a very long time. He never slept, and when he did, I was there with him.. or so I used to. His mask covering his entire face, I could only make out the soft and relaxed expression on his face despite the circumstances. He breathed softly, and before I knew it, I slightly leaned closer, hoping to catch a glance at his always well hidden and covered face. I saw his chin slightly peeking from under the mask, which I took as a victory, because as much as I hated to admit it, the fact that I still saw his flesh brought odd comforting feeling in me. What I hated to admit the most is that this wouldn't be a victory for me a few weeks ago, as I've seen his face on daily basis. But we're no longer in the past, we're here. Just here.

I used to hate the feeling I had everytime he scolded me for something small, what made him worry for my safety, but right now I'd very much welcome it back. But it was too late now. Too late. I still think of that night where you insisted on leaving me, not because you were sick of having me around, having to pretend like we're not a thing, no.. You left cause you said you're not the right person for me, like you don't deserve me.. And it might be the little anger I feel inside that's telling me, what stopped you for trying to deserve me, then? What stopped you for accepting the fact that you truly deserve love and happiness..? But my paranoid part also thinks that it was all an act.. That you didn't actually love me, that I was just a game and you felt guilty about having to play it by your rules. But, you know.. I'd adjust, for you. Like I always did. And you always told me it's not necessary, that I'm good the way I am, that I am perfect the way I am.. And I believed you. I did, I really felt accepted for the first time in my life. That's why my heart shatters just at the thought of it potentially being an act.. But you were never the person to hurt a close one, right..? Or maybe you didn't realise you hurt people, because you no longer had anyone you cared about. I don't know what it was, but I still blame myself. I should've tried harder, I should've done something.. But also, why me? Haven't I done enough for you? Haven't I helped you enough..? Maybe you really are what you said you are, a cold, mean monster. How come you're out there, saving lives and then you're here, ruining mine..? Despite all of this, I truly loved you. And I still do. Why..? Cause it's you. You made me feel things I never imagined I thought I could feel. You made me realise that there are reasons to fight. You made me addicted to you, to your presence, your voice..

..or maybe you decided it's better to leave because it will all end soon anyway, all of this.. You said it yourself, you never know when is the last breath you will take. Maybe this was an escapism, for the both of us. Maybe the problem was that I forgot to take my rose- colored glasses off, or maybe the problem was the fact that you were the one who gave them to me in the first place.. Maybe it was because you tried to make me happy, to make me believe all the fairytales were real, even if it was just for a bit..

But after a while, I came to realise that all you tried to do, was to make me believe that not everything was lost, that not everything was wrong as it seemed.. Only later I came to the realisation that you made me forget, that we're all just two broken pieces, in a shattered world.

[theworldvsyoshiko]

Although that does remind me, I've been meaning to post about it for a while now, and I've got some free time and energy tonight, so...

I think it's not going to be surprising to anyone if I say that The Dancing Flock is effectively over at this point. The big issue, which I kinda mentioned: some of the mods updated, and they busted some stuff in the process. I actually played several sessions past my last update, but they were all in a separate save file while I messed around with mods trying to get it stable again. I never quite managed that.

But, even before that point, I'd been thinking about cutting it short, for several reasons:

By that point I'd been playing Rimworld daily and documenting it for 3 months, and I'd kinda gotten my fill of the game for the time being.

Like I said before, the win condition was... problematic. Even after gifting the colony's huge hoard of silver and befriending a pile of factions overnight, I was only a bit past halfway through my goal of world peace by allying with everyone.

And related, once the colony was stable, the moment-to-moment gameplay was... kinda dull. I couldn't do much to work toward peace; I basically had to wait for people to attack and then capture them. Building the giant lavish compound was a good long-term project, since it required a ton of resources. Once it was built, though, there was only so much I could upgrade that felt actually meaningful. Like, sure, I could've bartered for weeks to get enough gold to put a golden statue in every bedroom, but it wouldn't have changed anything or been particularly satisfying. The Hospitality stuff lent some variety now and then, but most Hospitality guests just kinda wandered in, claimed a bedroom, and then spent a few days hanging around and smoking joints.

And yet, at the same time that they were too comfortable and well-established, the colony was also uselessly inept at fighting. Remember the bear incident? I never actually finished that, because my well-established, fortified, late-game colony couldn't actually handle 7-8 angry bears. Nonlethal weapons just do not scale to late game well, especially if you're committed to the 'nonlethal' part and thus also not building traps or anything. I had the enemy spawn rates turned way down by the end, and it was still iffy at times. This also undermined the group's commitment to taking in everybody who came by looking for help, because every single fight was a gigantic slog toward the end.

Related to #3, once the colony was well-established, there wasn't much to talk about compared to Yoshiko and Umeko. The pacifist bent also rules out a lot of sidequests that involve going out into the world, because a lot of them give pacifists huge mood penalties even if you don't kill anyone. I was avoiding fights on top of that because of the tedious nature of nonlethal combat. Josefin bravely helped with this issue by being a pathetic little lizard creature, but she can only do so much. I had a couple of sessions where I'd play for two hours and come away with nothing much to report, because everyone had spent that time mass-producing hats and sculptures in between hanging out in the hot tub. Which seems like a great way to spend time, but isn't necessarily eventful.

So, I guess they're gonna settle into a long and peaceful life of giving each other blowjobs on the floor of their personal dance club, but offscreen.

Once the Anomaly DLC has been out for long enough to have really robust mod support, I'll probably grab it and start messing around with it, so there are good odds that'll lead to something new.