#i'm quite sad about it honestly
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i bought a swedish translation of red, white, and royal blue by casey mcquiston a week or so ago and i just got it in the mail. is it maybe a bit too complex considering i've barely studied swedish? yeah, definitely. ✨i don't care though✨
#also my hyperfixation with learning swedish is mellowing out#i'm quite sad about it honestly#however#i'm still interested in learning swedish so#i'm not giving up#update#swedish#language learning#langblr
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Hazbin & Helluva Vs. Aromanticism
(Aka: I have a problem with the Spindlehorse team about this, not shippers.)
(Also this is mainly about Alastor but can go for Octavia and Mammon too.)
Alright, so I've cleaned up this uh... rant, to make things a little more clear hopefully. But to summarize here, this is about the team's lack of commitment when every other character is allowed full confirmation of their orientations but these (potentially) aromantic characters aren't.
While I have no beef with shippers (I think you can ship whoever with whoever you want, I ship Alastor too on occasion), there is some conversation about how the fandom might be a bit of a reason WHY they "can't" be confirmed as aro. But again, my main problem is more with the showrunners than the fandom at this point about this.
I'll also be getting into why it's "important" and the double standards against characters being aromantic.
This is not an attack, ship however way you wish (again, I do it myself). My intent isn't really to stop the shipping, that would be ridiculous. But more so to give my thoughts on why it's BS characters like Alastor can't be confirmed as aromantic when other characters are allowed confirmed orientations.
I will start off by saying I don't mind the shipping of Alastor. While it's NOBODY'S business but mine, I suppose it's important to clarify that I'm someone who does currently identify as aroace. I might be wrong but who cares, it's how I think of myself now at least to some degree (I do after all still have fictional crushes. Real-life romance is not an interest for me though, don't like 'em).
I'm gonna get what I don't think people talk about enough on both sides of being for and against shipping Alastor, and then I'll talk about the shippers as they're (I realized) not my main issue at this point.
A little history: So Alastor has been long time confirmed as an ace character. He hasn't been confirmed as being sex-repulsed or anything, but I can personally say I don't mind either flavor of him being repulsed or favorable (though I imagine the series will lean towards the former to counter everyone else's sex-favorable attitude and for jokes). This statement was initially taken VERY poorly by fans who, at the time, were shipping radiodust and radiobelle/charlastor, one more than the other. Care to take a guess which? The answer will not surprise you.
But then people realized "Oh, asexual doesn't mean he COULDN'T get with someone" and people even went further to "Being asexual doesn't mean he CAN'T have sex", both very true statements. So shipping was back on the menus boys! And his asexual was certainly blurred a bit (to the point where it wasn't even him being sex-favorable asexual as much as just not asexual, something that still happens but certainly not as bad). But overall, people were taking his canonicity as asexual with as much grace as a duck.
So here's where MY problem comes in. While I have some gripes with shippers, I had an epiphany that "Oh. It's not really the shippers I have a problem with. It's the people WRITING THE DAMN CHARACTER". Which, might I just say, is so much worst.
The shippers, while they got annoying at some points and certainly can be still, are just having fun. Because shipping just happens to be the way most people like to interact with characters in the media they're into. Hell, I am no different. I just have the misfortune of only really getting into rarepairs most of the time (curse you my bizarre tastes). I've even shipped with Alastor, I like AngelicSmile/radiojoy quite a bit.
Back on track. Now, what do I mean by my main problem being with the writers more than the fans with this? Well, queue this darling of a clip about the topic (this is the only clip I've found of the live stream, feel free to watch the whole video but just wanted the clip here).
This. Single. Clip. Infuriates me.
Vivzi, while I'm sure not meant to, pretty much implied "Alastor being aromantic and 'non-shippable' would ruin people's fun". I'm sure she meant it as a way to keep others from policing shippers (which didn't work, it still happens), it really just reads as "a character being aromantic is not a fun character". Like there's something wrong with being aro.
Not to mention some other things that would contradict this statement:
Viv in the past said "fans are allowed to ship outside character orientations", so... what makes that so different here with confirming Alastor as aromantic?
It being confirmed is not relevant to the plot. Great, so is every other orientation not relevant. Why can't Alastor be confirmed as aromantic but Vaggie can be confirmed as a lesbian or Vox bi? What does Vox being bisexual have to do with the plot? Neither is relevant to the plot, but one can be confirmed but not the other?
People were gonna ship him ANYWAY. Like, there's really no point in pretending. They were going to anyway because of the first point I already mentioned, but also people ship against canon orientations ALL THE TIME. It's just gonna happen and there's nothing wrong with that in of itself.
You've kind of just implied it's canon by not wanting to say specifically him being aromantic is canon or not. If Viv had just said "I don't wanna confirm his romantic orientation because...", then this statement would be fine and fair I suppose. But she had to call out him being aromantic specifically. And I mean, he COULD be something else (he was slated to be a couple with Mimzy originally after all), but the context doesn't seem like that would be the case. Plus, would she really feel the need to hold back from saying "Alastor is homoromantic" or biromantic or heteroroman- actually yes for that last one probably.
So riddle me this, with these points, why the FUCK would it be so wrong to confirm Alastor as a canonically aromantic icon and help get MORE REP for this very very very VERY underrepresented orientation? And I've thought of a few reasons to this, one of which being to avoid the same backlash that they got for Alastor being ace. Which, DID HAPPEN WHEN THE VOICE ACTOR AND SOMEONE ELSE ON THE SHOW CONFIRMED ALASTOR AS AROMANTIC BUT BACKTRACKED ON THE STATEMENT.
To which, fine. THAT'S on the fans (especially as no one would've complained if he was confirmed as homoromantic, which is a double standard VERY PRESENT in this fandom, but also many others quite honestly). But I can see another reason is to avoid others policing shippers about it.
Which, if that's the case, shit luck it's happening anyway.
To cower away from this orientation because of fans being upset says a lot, both about the fans and the creators. There is a whisper of "Alastor isn't allowed to be aromantic". That "being aro isn't allowed or appreciated".
We live in a world that at this point has a lot more lgbtq+ characters than ever before. At this point, there's just a lot of gay/lesbian and bi characters, and that's wonderful. But, there's barely a handful of aroace characters. And when they are, nobody wants to pay attention to that part of the character. So why can't the deer man be aromantic? I would imagine it would honestly make things a little better ship wise because ship wars wouldn't occur seeing as, well, there's no ship to be fought for. None of them could be canon.
So you might see where I'm leading into this, but I can only really think of one real reason Alastor being aromantic just "can't be confirmed" where as everyone else's orientations can be.
His popularity. Like, that's weird but walk with me here. Alastor is the most popular character in the fandom. There's honestly no denying it, he just is. And what do people do with the most popular character?
THEY SHIP THEM OFF IN A LOVEBOAT.
But wait, if he's aromantic, he can't be on a love boat. THIS IS BS-
And then... the outcry. And we HAVE seen this happen. I mentioned before, he was stated to be aromantic on two occasions by two people who work on the show, one of which is his voice actor (which I'll be fair, I personally don't think VAs always know the characters they play the best, that's the writers). But they had to backpedal because people DID complain. People WERE upset. So it's kind of shown just aromantism isn't really welcomed, at the very least not for a character like Alastor.
And that's the key: "Not for a character like Alastor". But if it were say, Niffty or Mimzy who are either overlooked or just not very popular, THEN it's probably more than okay for a character to be aromantic. Because no one wants to ship with them much, so they can be aromantic all they want.
AKA. The aro community is allowed the scraps but not the dinner.
At this point, you've probably noticed I switched gears from the creators to the fans because I DO think they could be a reason why Alastor "can't" be confirmed as Aromantic. I'll give credit, I'm pretty sure it's mainly on twitter and wouldn't be surprised if it was a "loud minority" thing going on, but the people have spoken. They vehemently cannot STAND the idea of Alastor being aromantic.
But I don't have a problem with these people quite honestly- I mean I kinda do, but my main issue is the lack of commitment when the other characters are allowed confirmed orientations. Why can't aromantic people get confirmed rep? Because "it'll ruin people's fun?" That's such a crappy reason because it's just saying being aro is bad on some level or isn't okay. Why can't the aromantic community get the dinner this ONE TIME? It's one character in a pool of many others that are canonically gay or bi, so why can't the aro community have this ONE popular character?
I'm not even asking for people to stop shipping him, I think that's perfectly FINE. It wouldn't change the canon. I'd appreciate more LOVE given to the aromantic identity (and I'm talking about the far end of it, so absolutely NO interest in romance as many have used aro Alastor but it still comes off as just normal shipping, but that's just me). There's such a double standard to the treatment of aromantic characters to the other characters in these shows (because Octavia and Mammon are in the same boat here), and the reasons given are so crappy that they sound more like off-hand excuses.
Again, I don't MIND people shipping Alastor, or Octavia, or Mammon who is randomly shipped with Adam the most. Let me repeat:
YOU. ARE. ALLOWED. TO. SHIP. THESE. CHARACTER.
But what I have a problem with is that these characters aren't allowed to be OFFICIALLY aromantic. How would it feel if this was a gay character? That they didn't want to confirm it but there's been indications with past statements and even in-universe stuff indicating so? I WANT Viv and her team to STICK with what route they were gonna go with.
And some might argue "what's so bad with nothing being confirmed?" Other than the fact every other character's orientations are allowed confirmation and Viv's crappy way of putting it in not confirming anything. There's, by all technicalities, nothing wrong.
However, if I may pose a counter, why is it fair for people to demand or ask for gay representation or confirmation but not aromantic? Because it's "not ruining anything"? If that's the case, I'm inclined to say that may be a bit aphobic. Because how is it that a character being aromantic can "ruin" the character or something, but a character being gay DOESN'T "ruin" the character. It's a double standard that I don't think most people realize or want to say because you don't want to be dissing on gay stuff.
But WAKE UP SHEEPLE. The gay stuff has PLENTY of things by this point. Whether through fan works or official media, it is growing and it is growing rapidly. And we should be HAPPY about that. But alternatively, Aromantic (and asexual) rep BARELY gets any attention in either fan works or official media. People would be UPSET if a ship like Angel Dust X Vaggie or Stolas X Verosika got into one of the top most popular ships. But Alastor? Nah, it's fine.
Again, while I don't mind the shipping itself, hopefully, you can understand how it might feel to see one of the most popular ships involve a character that goes against their orientation and it's YOUR orientation. It doesn't. Feel. Great.
And not everyone who ships Alastor even would LIKE him to end up with who they ship. Some people just like it staying in fanon. I have met SO MANY nice people who ship Alastor with characters that I personally don't really like him shipped with. But it's clear that I don't think THEY'D mind if he was confirmed aromantic because it doesn't change their life. They'll still keep shipping him because that's fun for them and that's FINE. People explore themselves through characters with confirmed orientations and they don't always line up with canon, and that's FINE. I don't think people should be policed on shipping with the deer man, they're just having fun. Would I appreciate a little more love for the aro identity? Sure (I mean just look at Alastor's ship weeks activeness vs. his aro week activeness), but if that's not how people have fun they shouldn't be forced to do stuff with it.
But Alastor being seemingly "not allowed" to be confirmed as aro has set a precedent that there's something wrong with being aromantic. And personally, it makes me feel a tad unwelcomed sometimes.
It's the precedents. Again, why is every other character's orientation allowed to be confirmed but Alastor's isn't? What is so wrong with him being aromantic? Hell, he might not even BE aromantic. But at least I'd KNOW instead of floundering around hoping upon a star for some aromantic representation.
It's okay to be gay but- WHOA HOLD YOUR HORSES THERE. WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO PUT A PAUSE IN THAT ARO BUSINESS YOU GOT THERE.
A character's worth is in how shippable they are. And if they're aromantic, they're not shippable. And unfortunately, there are just enough people to throw a hissy fit about it that Viv doesn't want to confirm it.
Because apparently being aromantic would "ruin" things.
#Celtrist#cel rambles#I do hope people understand where I'm coming from with this though#I get people wanting Alastor to have THEIR orientation it's not like I don't But can aro peeps maybe not get the scraps this one time?#Let's be real this ain't gonna be changing anything though :/#Like I don't care about it changing the fandom at this point (and I don't need it to)#But there's more than likely never gonna be confirmation on these characters being aromantic And that makes me sad :c#But I will have to live with it. I mean wouldn't really change the fandom space about it anyay so... They'll just be aromantic in my heart#My cold decrepit heart#But seriously we're begging for a dead serial killer to be rep for us from a quite honestly lukewarm show We're clearly scrapping for botto#rant#hazbin rant#alastor hazbin hotel#hazbin hotel alastor#hazbin alastor#alastor the radio demon#octavia goetia#octavia helluva boss#helluva boss octavia#helluva octavia#helluva boss mammon#helluva mammon#mammon helluva boss#radioapple#radiodust#radiostatic#radiobelle#charlastor#radiorose#hellaverse
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Also I quit my job of what would in about a month or two have been 10 years, and perhaps now I will get to actually be a human being again.
#honestly? honestly?#last week i told the two (2) godawful egomaniac lab head Man In Academia bosses i quit and that we need to formalise it asap and i just#felt like a little feather about to float away on a breeze#maybe now i can do normal people things like eat and sleep and have a routine of some sort idk#i have been slowly losing it for at least 3-4 years now#i took a screenshot and last year i had no fewer than 14 fucking travel orders fulfilled#most of which consisted of like 12+ hour days on ships and docks#i'm just so tired man#not for reblogging obviously#i don't really wanna vent anymore or ponder them and the entire godforsaken institution but like#good riddance tbh#which is really really sad when you think about it! but here we are#it was just... no trace of future anywhere to be seen! entirely a Void!!#gonna post a beefy lesbian paladin real quick to push this post down lmao#but i felt like sharing because i know there's good and concerned people who follow me here and i both appreciate and miss you all#and lord knows some of you have been listening to me vent and whine for ages#am i going to miss some great people and the research community of my field? of course but also it was all just completely unsustainable
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one last thing I will say on that topic. Americans getting upset about you calling out Zionism. When you're not talking about Judaism or in fact, about religion at all. When you're talking about a national military funded by a country that has been dropping bombs on the middle east since the 1980s. But then I suppose when people who are so so so comfortable with equating a whole religion, or further a whole entire group of multiple ethnicities, with simply 'terrorism', are criticised on any aspect of their wrongdoings of course they must think we're talking about their whole religion. Literally every word is a projection.
#I lost all respect for that person honestly. I used to think they were quite cool. I put up with a lot of blatantly horrendous shit thinking#'surely it's only a defensive thing. Surely they're only talking about the sadness within their community rather than actively supporting#the mass killings of thousands of people. Surely they're a teacher they've got to have that empathy with kids being murdered'#No! The fucking full clownshow. And now I've been feeling like an idiot all day— like why did I go 'let it slide' x 100#why should *they* walk away feeling like they've got some sort of moral superiority here and why should I feel like I've been struck down?#Why am I the idiot that didn't block them four months ago#Anyway sorry to everyone who's had to watch me spam about one (1) negative interaction *all day long* it will subside soon#I'm just stinging from the fucking. Utter blindness.#We've always said someone's comfort doesn't override someone else's right to survival#as a literal genderqueer person they KNEW that. They'd uttered the same fucking sentence#but alas the pinkwashing that makes me so frustrated with Americans sometimes. It magically doesn't apply where racism is concerned ✨😃#The US really is bombs dropped by rainbow-painted aircrafts; that meme should not be this accurate#anyway I'm glad that person is not in my life anymore. I'm glad my dash has one less abomination to repeatedly show up on it#and I have every right to be angry and I will be. I just won't bother you lovely folks with it
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a few Big Al and Sweet Ann headcanons cause i'm fixated on the original early versions of these two goobers
Big Al is an undead reincarnation of an Elvis impersonator, and Sweet Ann is the who brought him back from the grave. the man Big Al used to be was somebody Ann was infatuated with, and when faced with the news of his tragic and untimely death, she was absolutely devastated. she couldn't bare to lost the one she loved, so she Frankenstein'd him back to life and gave him another chance with a new identity and show persona.
the reason Big Al's english and singing can sound a bit rough is because he's a reanimated corpse who's kinda relearning how to be a human. undead monsters, depending on how long they had been dead before their reincarnation, typically forget a lot of their previous lives beyond basic human instincts, and thus, when they are reincarnated, they need to learn how to act like the humans around them again. luckily, Ann dug him up pretty quickly after his death, so he still has partial recollection of who he was before his death. his body had been stuck in a casket for a while before his reincarnation, cut him some slack! XD
Sweet Ann is an undead monster like Al, although she seems to be much better at mimicking human behaviours than Al is, as he was only recently reincarnated. she was reincarnated close to a century ago, and in that time, she has built up an impressive career for herself as a singer. almost everything about her background before entering the spotlight is unknown to the public, apart from documentation of a human who looks strikingly similar to Ann who went by the name of "Jodie". Sweet Ann holds many secrets behind that smile that only Al knows.
Ronnie (Big Al's development name) was Al's previous name when he was alive, and it's a pet name Ann calls him. he finds it adorable and endearing.
most of Sweet Ann and Big Al's old demos have a backstory and chronology to them. Sweet Ann's 'How Could I Forget You' VOCALOID 1 demo is a song written from her perspective of Ann having to relearn and try to remember the ones she once loved when she was alive, very shortly after she was reincarnated as a monster. 'Amazing Grace' is what she sung after successfully bringing Big Al back to life, and it was the very first thing he'd heard when he woke up. Sweet Ann and Big Al's 'Make Me Feel' demos take place shortly after Big Al was reincarnated by Ann, with Big Al learning how to feel again and how to sing again. they kinda playing a mellodrama with each other that's partially born out of Sweet Ann's own feelings towards Al. Big Al's 'I Feel Good' demo was recorded when he was drunk lolllol
#big al#big al vocaloid#sweet ann#sweet ann vocaloid#vocaloid 2#vocaloid2#frankenstein's big al my beloved <3#i honestly really love the idea of these two being undead singing monsters#we already have a bunch of android-inspired vocaloids i think we should throw in a few undeads in the mix too#also while writing this i just watched the kitto vs sweet ann video and it is so fucking funny lmaooo go watch it#sweet ann and unreleased big al are two of my favourite vocaloids atm#they're so underrated and i'm so sad michael king's version of big al wasn't released#if only they had just waited for michael king to get back from touring.....#it makes me quite sad to think about what we could have had with big al#i do really like his released voicebank and all don't get me wrong but it just doesn't hit the same as the unreleased big al#released big al feels less unique than his unreleased incarnation#also i feel like i should mention that there was another cancelled version of big al with his development name (ronie)#but to my knowledge there are no demos of his voice anywhere#anyway yeah i love giving a backstory to characters who don't necessarily have one heeheehoohoo#also bonus headcanon that big al's puppet-like mouth is a side effect of his recent reincarnation and being put back together#and it's something that heals over time#sweet ann used to have a similar condition to al's but it healed as she got used to her undead body#sorry to get off track again but big al's 'i feel good' demo is so fucking funny#''wOOOOOOWWW!!!! i fEel goOd'' - big al after too many drinks#headcanons#my headcanons#obscure media#obscure vocaloids
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Thank god that for both of the bands I'm abnormal about there's a yearly event that I can look forward to each year. Where would I be without you, Sparkstember and They Might Be Playing They Might Be Giants, 12 hours of TMBG on the radio by global request
#in a perfect world there would be a 12 hour radio marathon of just sparks once a year#and a whole month dedicated to celebrating the output of tmbg by their fans#honestly i've been thinking about the latter quite often over the past month lol. that one could be done most certainly#but anyway. most likely won't be listening to tmbptmbg this year because of the date it falls on :(#breaks my heart a bit but since i won't be able to hear it because of seeing tmbg live actually i can't be that sad about it you know#and i'm assuming that it will be archived once again so maybe i can just catch up later#and honestly i'm not exaggerating that the one in 2022 changed my life for the better. such a time#best day of the year if i'm being honest#goosepost
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i'm overwhelmed by the amount of positive comments i got on my latest fic! my heart goes out to all the survivors of sexual abuse, and i'm glad my fic has helped many of you process your own trauma. <3
#personal#i honestly wrote it bc i was feeling quite Bad abt very Old Wounds haha as i am sometimes wont to do#bc of a person/event that reminded me of my abuser#i thought it may resonate with like one or two people but i mainly wrote it for myself#and i am so surprised that so many people have messaged me about it#also kinda sad bc that means they've Not Had A Good Time#however i'm very glad my fiction can provide some sort of relief/catharsis#it's an isolating experience to have very ambivalent feelings abt your own abuse#and to become aware of your own patterns of seeking to repeat it/seeking toxic dynamics that remind you of it#about 6 years have passed since i was last abused in such a way#and while i do get randomly sad about it and while it has affected my psyche in a very significant way#and while i still do get the occasional flashback albeit it is much more rare nowadays#and still do react to certain things quite disproportionately#i have to say it DOES get better#esp if you make a tangible effort to heal#you will get there#and while it is a part of you it is not who you are#and you are capable of living a fulfilled and satisfying life#sexually and otherwise#i used to be so upset about not being a Good Victim#but the best thing i've done is that i have given myself grace and stopped policing/moralising my own experience#(that does not mean allowing myself to engage in repeated self-abuse)#(even if i have slipped a couple of times bc i am human)#i have allowed the space for my toxic fantasies instead of trying to banish them#but i have sought to fill my life with other positive experiences#while not forgetting or erasing the negatives#and while my abuse will always be a part of me it will not prevent me from being happy#also kink has helped a lot as well as writing#but i advise ppl to tread VERY carefully with kink as esp as abuse survivors#it is a slippery slope and it can be dangerous in many ways
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Bad time of it, all things considered (Patreon)
#Doodles#SCII#Damned#ZEX#Blood#Just a bit but y'know - Enough#It honestly made me So sad that it took until his canonmates saw it happen that someone /finally/ acknowledged his spontaneous cuts D:#Like I get it it's dark and it's hard to see but his skin just opened up and he made a noise about it! The possible danger!!#And then by that point he's just so used to everyone ignoring it that their concern for him is barely even a factor weh ZEX ;;#Plus it's just a cool effect haha - sudden blood from nothing! Very rich mental movement#At least Max had someone concerned for him about it <3 Not that he could do anything about it but even just the validation of seeing it!#He has enough cuts on him :( Poor tenderized flesh#He gets all crabby from being sore from healing constantly haha :'D Of course he would!#One thing I found very interesting was the scar sidedness :0 Most of the examples in the gallery have his scar and missing eye opposite#But that's not necessarily the case! I actually scoured mid-read and there /are/ a couple instances of matching side!#They're very tiny so I overlooked them upon first viewing hehe ♪ But they're there! It's very interesting to me!#I like the aesthetics of the opposite - probably because I'm more used to it lol - but I can see the appeal and reasoning for the other way#I do honestly enjoy how much is open to interpretation and allowance uwu♪ And what's consistent! Like how it's always his right eye :D#That tracks hehe ♫#Haha his meeting with his delightfully inept counselor - I'm pretty sure I was actually more angry about his supposed injury than he was#He chilled out pretty quickly while I was just - A Scratched Cornea??? The disrespect!!#So happy with his eyebrow expression on that one as well ah <3#It really does make me curious for how the staff is kept there - they don't /seem/ malicious during the day! But they're also unaware#It's interesting where the lines of reality are between everyone :D Very interesting ♪#Capping off with another song my playlist is looking quite healthy now hehe#Flagpole Sitta is one of those songs that only comes up for me every half dozen years or so but when it Does - phewph#It is /such/ a ZEX song to me now hehe <3 The flirtiness and exasperation - the defeatism even! So many killer lines#I think my favourite is ''I'm not sick but I'm not well'' ask me to read into that I will I'm gonna I'll do it even if you don't ask me lol#So fun to draw those lapses in control the poor dear ♥#The digital reconstruction there was a lot of fun as well actually :D I think I nailed it :3 Pulled around from all over the page! Pleased ♪
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literally can't stop thinking about mafia!bernard and police informant!tim
it got too long for the tags
bear's in the mafia for whatever reason
and tim is part of a police team called idfk the bats
anyway bear's mafia is getting too big and they need sm1 on the inside. enter tim.
tim is a police legacy. his dad was a policeman and so was his father's father and on it goes
and he might've made it onto captain wayne's team but he's desperate to prove to the force that he's not a fuckin nepo baby
so he takes the job. enter bernard who only meets tim after he's been on the mission for a year now.
bear quickly takes a liking to this new recruit who's efficient and smart and has the tiniest waist he's ever seen.
and tim goes along with this liking cause hey information from the top will be more valuable right?
and they fall into this fuckbuddies relationship that quickly becomes way more. because like fuck bear looks at tim like he's worth smth
like he's more than what his parents have set out for him. like he's somebody. like he loves tim for tim. and not for what tim can do for him.
and fuck he loves bear and his smiles. the way his eyes crinkle and his gums show. he loves the way bear looks with a gun in his hands and he knows that's fucked up but the first time he saw bear with a gun in his hands and blood splattered across his face he had to actively stop himself from jumping bear in front of the mafia. and no matter how rough bear is when he's on the field he always caresses tim's cheeks with a softness tim didn't know was possible
and fuck his dick is massive and it's really not helping tim's feelings. and he knows he's compromised and fuck cpt. wayne probs knows too
but shit bear holds him like he's precious. bear looks at him like he loves him. bear twines their bodies together like he'll die if they part
bear whispers sweet nothings into his ears as they fall asleep and it'll break him when he has to give bear up but he's always been selfish
he'll keep this for as long as he can. (please lord let him have this.)
and on bear's end he really only becomes interested in this new recruit when he watches the boy deliver 10 backhanded compliments in a row
and nobody pick up on it. it takes 3 months before bear figures out that tim's a spy and still he keeps seeing him
bc it doesn't matter that tim'll be his downfall. it doesnt matter that tim doesnt really love him or care about him. that it's only a mission for tim bc tim is the best thing bear's life.
he is the sun to bear's moon. the first word on his lips when he wakes up and the last when he goes to sleep.
and he loves every version of tim -- when he's caustic and biting, when he's blissed out in bed covered in the marks bernard left, when he's laughing, when he's crying
every version on tim is a version he likes. and one of these days, his pretty bird is going to have to leave their nest but at least bear can hold tim until then
at least bear can press promises into his thighs. at least he can whisper his devotion into the crook of tim's neck. at least he can leave marks on tim -- lovebites on his neck, handprints on his thighs and hips -- a tapestry that says "i was here. and i loved him. i love him and i am here."
but until that day comes, bear will work on quitting smoking and turning his favorite safehouse into a home for them.
(please lord, just let him have this. just let him have tim.)
#honestly if i was to sum up this au in one sentence it'd be#'dick so good you'd let them commit war crimes'#he quits smoking cause his baby has no spleen. tim nearly cries when he hears that#bear always kisses tim before he leaves in 3s. one to the forehead. one to both cheeks. and one to his lips.#the first time tim says 'welcome home!' to bear he has to take 3 business days to recover#the first time bear comes over to money-laundering coffee shop front tim's been assigned to with a bouquet of flowers tim spends the rest#week giggling to himself. also tim and bear get relentlessly teased by their coworkers.#and when all is said and done and the mission comes to an end and tim has to arrest bear he does it with a tremble in his hands and tears#in his eyes. and bear's eyes are so sad almost mournful with the way they look at him in his police uniform#'hey pretty baby. here to lock me up at last?' bear asks#'you knew?' tim whispers. bear nods slowly like doing it any faster will spook tim off. the hand holding his gun trembles.#'then why-'#'why do you think tim?' bear responds quietly 'i love you.'#tim chokes on his sob. 'i did too y'know. i do too.'#bear smiles sadly 'but the job comes first right?'#and tim has nothing to say to that. tim loves bear and bear loves tim and it's not enough. maybe it was never enough.#anyway#how yall doin#i'm so normal about them i swear#bernard dowd#tim drake#timbern#timber#dc
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the incredibly delicate tension between: we need art to feed us and connect us and make us feel like things have a purpose, and: art is slowly but surely making us more complacent and cowardly
#thoughts#don't mind me I'm just having very complicated thoughts about artists and how art is being weaponized by power#I have zero good answer about that because quite frankly I don't have the mental health to walk that line right now#but yeah I can't help but think I'm just Not being helpful in any way#like a lot of what I dedicated myself towards and sacrificed things for might actually be a trap#not only for me but for community and connexion#I don't think it's true in every context btw. but I think it's starting to be true in 2024#that we are spending a lot of time cosplaying at good praxis and Correct Emotions through art without challenging stuff#at the same time I cannot blame anyone and it would be hypocritical of me to do so#this world is being made purposefully overwhelming and lonely and art is soothing and feels warmer#I do think art is good for the soul and for our humanity. I do think that truly.#but yeah I don't know how we manage to breach past art and use it as a resource for actual meaningful actions.#again perhaps it's just The Mental Illness speaking --though I don't think it's entirely that#but yeah I just... I'm just really wondering about that balance of existing beyond art#while not rejecting art as full on bourgeois distraction which imo is also reductive and reactionnary#I don't know. I'm just kind of really sad about a lot of things honestly.
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i had been hyped for the mannequin pussy album from the second they released the first single but the ai thing put me off so bad that now that the album comes out in 2 days i almost couldnt care less
#its so sad they were/are? my favourite band#if they just went ''oh shit we didnt know it was this unethical'' or something#and said sorry#but no they went ''see you in the real world'' and didnt look back#theyve been fully ignoring the criticism except for a few instagram replies#its honestly quite pathetic for a band who claims to b e political#and i get you become very defensive when you've always had to defend your band and maybe they couldn't see criticism from hate#but still most of their most loyal fans (which includes me) are very upset and the fact that not even we are being listened to sucks#i even thought about cancelling my preorder of their album but i couldnt get myself to#its too late to cancel now i'm sure they will ship today or tomorrow let me not inconvenience the ppl working at the label
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Not to mention Kpop on main but...
Man, I'm genuinely sad at what happened/is happening with Seunghan, he literally did not deserve any of this. I genuinely hope he and the other members of Riize make it out okay because what the fuck.
#If he debuts solo I'm going all in honestly fuck everyone who participated in subjecting him and the rest of the members to this#Generally I focus on the music and don't pay attention to fandom bullshit/or the actual members tbh#(IE why despite being into MCR for nigh on 10 years I only know 2 band members names and would only be able to recognize Gerard on sight)#I completely understand his decision to quit after being subjected to so much bullying and death threats#But this is genuinely so sad for him and the other members of Riize who wanted him back#He literally did NOTHING wrong at all#But also I have a hard time believing that any effort or planning went into his return to protect him#SM disintegrated like wet toilet paper#Fuck the “fans” and fuck the companies that enable this bullshit#My energy is the same for anyone who's getting insane backlash for just being human holy hell but since this is about a specific situation#Anyway personally I support Seunghan in whatever he wants to do#As well as the other members themselves#The company who failed to handle this well at all and the so called fans who sent death threats and funeral wreaths can all choke#I wish Seunghan all the best#As well as Shotaro - Eunseok - Sungchan - Wonbin - Sohee and Anton#Like the only reason I was going to check out Riize's music was because he was coming back#but now I won't which sucks because the other members did nothing wrong but I can't in good conscious you know
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i don't think i'll ever get over how people treat kids that aren't good in school as worthless no matter what. "oh it can't be that bad" my guy idk how to tell you this but the last time i went to a normal high school the principal called me into his office to brag about how he failed me in all of my classes before the semester was even finished & i should quit while i'm ahead cuz i'm too stupid ("officially" diagnosed as such by a school counselor & a psychiatrist!!) to succeed. & this is considered normal
#''poor teachers!!'' yeah well at least they can fucking quit & go work somewhere else#''okay but times are different than when you went to school in the 1970's'' this was 2016 my guy. shut the fuck up#''well maybe you were a violent & severely misbehaving kid!'' i wasn't. i have ADHD & severe anxiety disorder & depression#my biggest crime was being too exhausted & dopamine deprived to do my homework#my dad talks about how he was treated in school & i'm like damn dude i went through the same exact shit#how is it that a majority of teachers & principals are still abusive power-tripping pieces of shit 60 years later#why haven't things changed#well actually the answer is simple & it's because they want disabled people to disappear#& if abled students that simply disagree with the way things are done get caught in the crossfire then that is acceptable#because anyone not fit to make billionaires a billion more dollars should just die!#anyways here are my original tags from that gravity falls post i just reblogged:#I know this is supposed to be an appreciation post but like. ''for being the ''dumb one'' he's surprisingly rational.'' seriously??#as ''the dumb'' but ''surprisingly rational'' one of my family this is THEE biggest misunderstanding & it drives me up the fucking wall#just because a person struggles in one area doesn't mean they're stupid & should be an irrational dumb dumb idiot baby holy fuckkk#sorry to OP but even when people try to ''appreciate'' stuff like this they can't help but throw in insults#simply because they genuinely believe that ''even though you're stupid you SURPRISINGLY act competent sometimes'' is a compliment#I'm less mad about this & more sad that this kind of shit is still so prevalent in 2024#both Stanley & Stanford are smart & competent & rational#they just show it in different ways & exceed in different (sometimes overlapping) subjects#this is normal for human beings but the big societal scam is that if you don't do it in the way Ford does then you're stupid & a failure#& being surprised that Stan is also smart & competent in his own ways is the biggest sing that you fucking fell for it dude#btw before i get @ ed for this. i WAS that kid#i was so much that kid the school actually diagnosed me with stupid & spiteful & i was told to quit while i was ahead (they failed me befor#obviously this is very personal for me but also i don't think people realize the language they use is on purpose & it's used specifically t#& it's still happening right now & that just. makes me wanna cry honestly#like why are people still surprised that people can specialize in something despite bad grades in school#you know. the thing we all know is literally rigged to either put you in jail or in a factory to make billionaires more money.#man sorry for the rant the original spirit of the post is super correct but like fuck HS grade-centric judging of people's entire character#Stan being able to defeat Bill is just not at all surprising if you were him or knew/know someone like him#or really paid any attention at all to the show while watching it
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I get Jack you're repressed and depressed now quit your job and stop being a dick.
#sad repressed bi boy keeps being being mean to his pacients#renfield is my baby and any attack to him is personal#victorian prick#jack seward#he is my favorite characther? hell no#but I'm studying him like he does reinfield#because he is unwell and interesting as heck and also a disaster and is fun#except he is being an ableist dick and i'm a casual media analyst#dracula#also is amazing how seward almost almost gets to theorizing about sazonal depression a real thing that they didn't really knew at the time#he almost almost gets it and instead goes to magic sun and more ableistic bs#also jack is genuinally a good general practicioner and surgeon specially for his time#but instead he is fucking people up and honestly also ruining his own mental health at an asylum#he could be saving numerous lifes and instead he is making everyone's lifes around his work place including his worse#please seward just fucking quit#he is a shit neurologist a shittier psychiatrist and I don't even consider him a psychologist just quit man please go do surgeries and exams
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my hot take is that if you knowingly fuck someone else's boyfriend you shouldn't be allowed to have a private instagram
#all of your social media should be public#i mean thank god her instagram isn't public for my own mental health lol#but like.#she was so proud about it at the time so idk why she's shy all of a sudden#sorry idk why sometimes i just think about it and get sad again#i really need to see a therapist because no amount of telling myself i'm over it will make me be over it#and this week has been fucking hard with all the discussion about joever and ttpd#and i KNOW the album is going to be fucking torture to listen to quite honestly
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//ableism mention tw
ok just gonna say something really quick: i absolutely hate Abe's characterisation in the reboot of Clone High because it is nothing like how he acted in season 1 and it just. isn't funny. they've turned this good-intentioned but flawed loser kid who just wants to be like the original Abraham Lincoln but doesn't know how to, into a self-centered and arrogant asshole who literally almost said a horrible ableist slur twice in the first episode. like. i'm being serious, he almost says the R-slur twice in the same minute and i dunno about you but i really don't find it very funny when a) the only "joke" behind it is "oh look at how bad Abe is compared to the more progressive sensitivities of the new generation of clones, isn't he just terrible", and b) they felt the need to completely rewrite a pre-existing character that fans are already attached to to do something against his own morals for the sake of a shitty joke, and c) TOPHER WAS RIGHT THERE!!! isn't he supposed to be the asshole or am i missing something?? like...
i'm not saying you can't have "edgy" or "dark" comedy or whatever, but personally, i don't find it very funny when a character that actually means quite a lot to me and is one of my favourites is twisted and rewritten into an arrogant asshole in an apparent attempt to appeal to the people who hate Abe for his flaws in the original show. especially when he's rewritten to be someone who would say a slur that's literally been used against my fellow disabled peers, myself included. it just feels... wrong. it actually hurts a lot to see a character i once loved and found to be one of the funniest and most important characters in the show be turned into an arrogant dick, with barely any thought or meaning put into him. i don't like what they did with the rest of the OG cast as well (such as Joan making a complete 180 in her entire character, JFK's character assassination, the removal of Gandhi, Cleo barely being in it etc.), but to me, they did Abe the dirtiest in this season and i'm really disappointed that one of my favourite shows had to continue like this :(
#clone high#abe lincoln#rant#sorry this post is a little heavier than what i usually post on here but i just felt like i really needed to say this#abe from clone high is actually quite an important character to me and i'm still upset that he's been written so poorly in season 2#like he's a silly parody of a teen drama protag but honestly i think his struggles in the original series are actually really meaningful#like he's a little shy and doesn't exactly know how to express his ideas in the best way but wants to help and i just think that's so real#especially as someone who struggles with that myself#he has so much pressure to live up to the OG abraham lincoln and he really wants to be like him and tries but doesn't get it#i mean he even says something like that in episode 2 when joan and gandhi come to see him in his room and that's really relatable#so to see him so horribly misinterpreted as a selfish asshole really hurts me.#they've essentially done the thing where a fandom will tear apart the neurodivergent coded character#and write them off as selfish and arrogant and completely misinterpret everything about them#not saying that Abe is written to be neurodivergent but you get my point#it's kinda like that#he's relatable to me as an autistic person and a lot of his struggles are similar to what the autistic community experiences#also i'm sad that gandhi had to get removed because he's important to me too#he's actually one of my favourite ADHD reps on tv i've seen and he's just really funny#i know he was removed because people in India got offended and they probably don't wanna cause another incident like that again#but still it's such a shame he couldn't be included because he was a great character#also slightly unrelated but i think turning characters into a moral debate it stupid and often results in stuff like this happening#ableism mention#tw ableism mention
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