#like a lot of what I dedicated myself towards and sacrificed things for might actually be a trap

[rawliverandgoronspice]

the incredibly delicate tension between: we need art to feed us and connect us and make us feel like things have a purpose, and: art is slowly but surely making us more complacent and cowardly

[aois-amaterasu-painting]

DOGMA book: member interview translations

Interviewer: The keywords associated with "PROJECT: DARK AGE" and "THE OMINOUS YEAR," leading up to the release of "DOGMA," have all been gloomy, exuding a sense of despair rather than hope. Does this mean that the GazettE has been dwelling in darkness for a while?

Ruki: Rather than darkness...how should I put it? By the time the flow of time associated with our previous work "BEAUTIFUL DEFORMITY" had ended, we became aware of our standing and began thinking about what to do next. We weren't in the mood to create happy music (laughs), but we also weren't feeling gloomy. It was more like a sense of anger—a bundle of frustration. We are genuinely rebellious at heart, yet there were circumstances where we couldn't rebel, living as cogs in society.

Interviewer: You mean the absurdity of knowing that something is wrong but still having to comply with it?

Ruki: Exactly. As we continued our band activities, we encountered various people's thoughts—those of other bands and people from record companies. This made us reflect on how we should live. For instance, to achieve various successes, I had countless responsibilities and no time for leisure. My focus shifted more towards cramming in various tasks rather than having fun. But then, I'd wonder, "How does everyone else manage?" and consider if others might be neglecting such details. This made me realize that our meticulousness might actually be one of our strengths.

Interviewer: Even at the cost of sacrificing your own time?

Ruki: Instead of living a wealthy life with lots of money, it's more important for us to see how much we can dedicate to the band. Of course, this applies to when we are performing live as well, but it's crucial to show that we are betting everything on this lifestyle. I hate doing things half-heartedly. Even if we were a popular band performing in large stadiums, I'd still want to maintain an aggressive stance. Although I can't speak for the feelings of bands in that situation.

Interviewer: The opposite of aggressive is defensive. Do you have a sense of crisis about becoming complacent in your activities as your career progresses?

Ruki: There's a part of me that thinks we might eventually become more relaxed about these aspects. In that sense, I try not to think of myself as absolute. However, I do everything to feel that "we're the best!" and I don't want to spare any effort to achieve that. I don't know how others perceive it, but the image of the GazettE has grown significantly in my mind, and I have been thinking a lot about how to shape it in the future. Having time to think about it was very significant.

Interviewer: Indeed. In 2014, you were busy with a tour themed "redefinition," without releasing any new material.

Ruki: Having a whole year without a release was unusual. We were always moving forward and didn't have much time to look back. But during that tour, we could think about many things. There was a sense that when we released our next work, we had to come back changed. Therefore, we needed to think carefully about what we wanted to do and how we should be. Eventually, I realized that our core lies in live performances. The essence of our live shows is built upon something unique to us. While searching for that answer, I felt like we were seeking something akin to religiosity—not resembling any specific religion but perhaps related to the fervor of our fan unity.

Interviewer: Do you mean the degree of empathy and collective feeling beyond normal bounds?

Ruki: There might be some of that, but I also want to delve deeper into it. I wanted to redefine and present it anew. Even the sight of the audience during "Kantou Dogeza Kumiai" was extraordinary and special. So, instead of expanding into a gray zone or appealing to a broader general audience, we wanted to be unbeatable within our niche. But we don't intend to remain confined within the existing visual kei boundaries; we aim to elevate everything beyond that. That's one of our conclusions. We don't want to be lax about anything and strive to do everything thoroughly.

Interviewer: In other words, you want to be absolute and definitive.

Ruki: Yes. Rather than creating a religious-like world, we want an absolute feeling that also resonates with religious undertones. We have an absolute worldview that we believe in, and it involves attitudes and ideologies rather than just songs. We then present and share everything with our fans. That overlaps significantly with the word "dogma."

Interviewer: In the dictionary, it means doctrine or creed.

Ruki: I don't particularly love the word "dogma" itself. It's been used in many places before. But instead of being the first band to use the term, we wanted to be the band that expressed "dogma" most profoundly.

Interviewer: Using words like religion and doctrine requires a certain determination, doesn't it? If it were a real religion, the proponents would need to be gods or prophets, presenting something absolute for followers to believe in.

Ruki: We actually tried to create that. So, we're very confident in ourselves. Of course, we've always been confident, but this is more about a comprehensive confidence. The title "DOGMA" is very symbolic. And the pursuit of what we think "DOGMA" should be is not limited to just one CD. We planned to take our time to carry out various things associated with this album. At the same time, regarding the album's composition, we used to aim for a balanced inclusion of various elements, like "let's include this type of song" or "we need a song like this," but we decided to stop that. Previously, each album had at least one "good song," but for an album named "DOGMA," we decided not to include anything that didn't fit. Of course, it's not that there are no melodic or catchy elements at all...

Ruki: We have included songs with depth, but it's more like we deliberately set a 'rigidness' to it.

Interviewer: So, instead of maintaining balance within the work, you focused on thoroughly expressing the core element?

Ruki: Yes. There's always a balance in our live performances, like having a song come in at a certain point, or placing a specific type of song before another. We started by breaking away from that.

Interviewer: And when it came to embodying "this is what the GazettE is," anger and darkness were indeed essential elements?

Ruki: In reality, part of the reason we started doing this was because we were drawn to emotions like anger. Somehow, I don't have the option in myself to turn happy things or enjoyable things into songs. Of course, if something makes me happy, my heart moves, but it's not a deep emotional movement, you know? You don't stay joyful for days over one thing. Instead, anger, fear of the current world, and anxiety tend to root themselves deeply and linger. As these emotions amplify, they naturally emerge in the music, not because I consciously decided to push them to the forefront, but because it just naturally turned out that way.

Interviewer: There are tragic incidents and accidents occurring daily. Some of your lyrics seem inspired by such realities.

Ruki: Yes. For example, juvenile crime. Apparently, juvenile crime itself is relatively declining. However, regardless of that, there's a part of me that can't help but be concerned about things like the relationship between victims and perpetrators, or the incidents where family members are affected afterwards... Even though such aspects aren't often highlighted on TV, they catch my attention. Even in cases where there should absolutely be severe punishment, there are perpetrators who manage to evade responsibility, or there are systems in society that allow such things to happen... Such contradictions and hidden aspects move me emotionally because there are likely feelings involved that I can't even imagine.

Interviewer: Because you can't imagine them, you want to understand them?

Ruki: Yes. I want to express that depth of emotion through sound and words. It's not about the incident or the emotion itself, but the depth of it. Therefore, I'm not singing about specific incidents directly. While I can't understand the sadness faced by those affected, imagining it happening to me makes me want to express that depth of emotion and translate it into music.

Interviewer: And the fact that such incidents don't stop means it could happen to anyone, including yourself.

Ruki: Exactly. It can happen to anyone. Everyone must think, "It would be great if these things didn't happen, but they don't stop."

Interviewer: Indeed, those lingering feelings are easier to use as a starting point for expression compared to joy or pleasure.

Ruki: We rarely feel joy so intense it's hard to imagine in our lives. Such feelings are often momentarily released and don't go beyond that. On the opposite, anger and sadness that can't be directed anywhere are feelings everyone tries to hide. You can't burst into tears on the spot, and crying doesn't necessarily make you feel better.

Interviewer: Similarly, even if you harbor feelings of intense anger, you can't go around breaking things or shouting loudly.

Ruki: That's right. The anger towards the perpetrator or the criminal is not something trivial. For example, if my son were killed by a juvenile, I can't even imagine what kind of feelings I'd have.

I think there would be a feeling of needing to kill the perpetrator myself to feel satisfied. Even if that meant breaking the law, the feeling of needing to take matters into my own hands. However, while I might desperately want to kill the criminal in my heart, that's not something allowed for a human. Therefore, these dark feelings have to be hidden and can't be shared with anyone. Unless they're expressed through a song.

In short, that's what it is. For example, I don't think it's appropriate to write about such feelings on Twitter. I'm not trying to share those feelings with others; instead, from my position, I wanted to express those dark feelings through lyrics and sound. And by doing so, I can also expel the murkiness within myself. It's similar to how someone who writes novels might feel. For instance, I have my own thoughts on politics, but I'm not deeply knowledgeable about it, so I don't think it would be right to write about it half-heartedly on Twitter or a blog. Rather, I have a lot of things I want to say that wouldn't fit in such places.

Interviewer: RUKI-san's lyrics aren't explicitly advocating any particular ideology; sometimes it's about the world of imagery. However, that's where those emotions are being expelled, right?

Ruki: That's right. However, it depends on the theme as well. For example, if the theme of a song's lyrics is love. But love isn't tangible. When you try to write about it, it inevitably becomes abstract. If it's limited to the feeling of liking someone, it might become a bit more concrete, but I feel like there's nothing for me to write about such intangible things. As for anger, it's better not to have such feelings. I don't want to evoke a chain of negative events, and I don't wish for such things to happen around me. But anger doesn't go away, and I find myself feeling it more and more each year.

Interviewer: As a result, fans who listen to your music might find some form of healing through those expressions.

Ruki: I wonder about that. Many of our fans are quite enthusiastic. At our live shows, some don't even look at the stage and just headbang (laughs). That's fine. I'm not the type to shout, "Look at us!" during live performances. Rather, I prefer for the atmosphere to be filled with our worldview. For example, if someone releases their stress by going wild at our concerts, that's fine with me. Of course, I have things I want to convey too. But each fan has their own story. We don't know what emotions they bring with them to our concerts. But I think there's something in my emotions that resonates with each of them. I've only recently started thinking this way. Until a while ago, I thought it was enough to just keep the anger and such feelings within myself. As long as I felt my thinking wasn't wrong, that was enough.

Interviewer: It's not about being right by societal standards, but understanding that they are not wrong as your own feelings, right?

Ruki: Exactly. It might not be correct if you take a majority vote, but these are my feelings. So putting those feelings into lyrics is actually quite a forceful imposition.

Interviewer: It's not a question of "Isn't it like this?" It's more of a definitive statement, like words in a sacred text.

Ruki: That's right. It's because it's absolute. So it's not about "There are various ways of thinking." For me, this is the definitive answer. I'm not saying, "You should feel the same," but rather, "This is how it is for me."

Interviewer: So it's a one-way expression. But if it gathers enough empathy, it could even form a kind of religion.

Ruki: Yes, that's right.

Interviewer: So I'd like to ask again, in the end, what is the most important thing for the GazettE to be the GazettE?

Ruki: That's... it's really difficult to answer clearly... For example, right now, I don't find many bands that I think are cool. I don't mean that in a bad way. Of course, there are many people I respect. But the ideal band I envision, which includes not just the music but also things like the quality of the visuals and the way they dress, those elements combined, that's what I wanted to pursue, which led to the "PROJECT: DARK AGE" approach.

Interviewer: You don't want to idealize someone from the past, you have to create your own ideal form.

Ruki: That's right. I don't want to seek ideals in the past, and I want to focus on what visual kei really means. Visual kei isn't just about looks; it's about the mindset. When I first discovered LUNA SEA, I was drawn to those aspects and felt the "now" of that era in their band style. Moreover, they definitely expressed darkness. That impression was vivid for me, and that's what visual kei means to me. But I don't think we should cling to those past ideals in 2015. Honestly, until recently, I was probably trapped by that. I was trying to preserve the old-school visual kei within myself.

Interviewer: To inherit, deepen, and pass it on to the next generation?

Ruki: Yes. But I felt that I had to devour the visual kei of the past in order to be satisfied within myself. Therefore, I had a strong feeling of embodying the world view and pursuing quality that I hadn't been able to fully realize before. As a result, if you ask whether what we created falls within the bounds of visual kei, it might not. But by embodying those ideals and becoming such a presence ourselves, I felt we might find a unique position. Thinking about why so many people come to see us, I felt the answer was there. There's a traditional idea of what visual kei is supposed to be. For me, that's also the standard. When you think of visual kei, there's an image. But we can't remain kids chasing that image forever. This realization hit me while we were on the "Redefinition" tour.

Interviewer: So the pursuit of ideals so far was based on the classic model of the past. But now, you have to create your own ideal path and present yourselves to the generations who don't know your past. You can't stay in an old, balanced, or vague state.

Ruki: That's right. And it's not about wanting to be popular with younger audiences. We want to emphasize "now" in our own way and proceed with everything based on that. I think that's what we should be doing. We don't want to stop evolving. We're not trying to revitalize the visual kei industry. It's not about that; we want to be individuals. We want to maintain a stance of not blending in. We want to continue evolving without forgetting the respect we have for those who influenced us. Only by being like that can we be a truly current band. The goal is not to uplift this genre of music for the world. Instead, we want to become an indispensable and absolute presence for those who need us.

Interviewer: The GazettE might still be visual kei, but the motivation for being visual kei has changed.

Ruki: For me, it has. My feelings have changed. We're not focusing on continuing as visual kei. Ultimately, it started from wanting to be cool. Looking around, I don't see any bands that I think are cool, so it would be strange to try to blend in. So, we decided to seek our ideals as individuals. Also, when our fans show someone our music and say they like visual kei, I don't want the reaction to be "Wow." Are they still doing this in this era?" For example, and it's an extreme example, but if you compare us to Taylor Swift, I don't want there to be an obvious gap.

Our English lyrics are done by someone in London, and they say that over there, bands need to be unique to be recognized. If the quality and message of a band aren't apparent, there's no place for them. If it's clearly felt that our level is lower, everything will be dismissed as inferior. So we decided to go all out with "PROJECT: DARK AGE," creating something we could be confident in.

Interviewer: So you wanted to present a team that could compete with the world?

Ruki: Yes. Over there, each individual stands out. In Japan, mastering engineers are seen as behind-the-scenes, but in America, names like Ted Jensen are well-known. We work surrounded by people who are on par with them, and we want to show that. Whether we're the best intermediary for that is uncertain, but that's what we wanted to convey.

Interviewer: On the other hand, even if you have a reliable team, if the work itself is mediocre or vague, it means nothing. So, creating something absolute and pushing yourselves to the limit was crucial.

Ruki: Yes. As a result, it became our strength. When a band tries to move forward, obstacles sometimes come from unrelated places. But each time that happened, our rebellious spirit grew, making us want to speed up even more. We need to reach a place where those obstacles are no longer a concern.

Interviewer: The title of your work "DOGMA" is quite striking. How did you feel when you first heard it?

Uruha: I simply thought it was cool. First of all, the sound of the word is good. Simple and impactful words have mostly already been used, right? Although the word "dogma" itself has already been used in many places, we hadn't used it before. The sound of this word links well with musical expression. If we use this title, the work inevitably has a darker tone. That aligns with our strengths. So, from the start, I thought it was a great idea.

Interviewer: It's a word that means creed, doctrine, or principle. Having it as a title implies that the work embodies your essence or what you've always had, rather than exploring unknown music.

Uruha: Yes. The darkness typical of visual kei that we've always pursued is part of it, but expressing the creation of a new religion is something we hadn't tackled before. So, it seemed interesting. Combining religious elements with visual kei. For example, there are quite a few visual kei bands that use Christian imagery as a motif. Instead of an existing religion, creating a brand-new one ourselves has a certain freedom. There are no constraints. If we were to be conscious of an existing religion, there would be limitations and difficulties, but if we create it ourselves, nothing gets in the way.

Interviewer: Indeed. When you describe a work as having a "religious feel," people might think of pipe organ sounds or hymn-like elements. But that's not the case here. Rather, it's an album that redefines what the GazettE is all about.

Uruha: Yes. It's like looking at ourselves from a bird's eye view. It's like, "Yeah, this is who we are." Even at our live shows, there are elements that seem religious. All the fans moving in unison with the music. Sometimes we feel, "You don't have to move like that," or "You could be more free." We feel a bit conflicted about it, but ultimately, we have to accept that this is our way. We think, "Let's present it in a cool way." So, choosing a "religious" presentation was one of the options to make it really cool.

Interviewer: Do you personally follow any religion?

Uruha: No, I don't.

Interviewer: For people who are overly devoted to religion, it can sometimes seem dangerous. We all remember incidents related to new religious movements. For the followers, it's sacred and worship-worthy, but for others, it can appear strange or dirty. Didn't you feel any danger in presenting things in a religious manner?

Uruha: Rather than those real aspects, it’s more about my own perspective since I don't really know much about religion. For example, "Why do so many people gather for this?" It's the pulling power of the sect or the leader. That power to attract people is something we want to have and show during our live performances. Without it, any band would be hopeless.

Interviewer: So, the idea was to create your own religion to strengthen that attraction?

Uruha: Yes. No matter how seriously you pursue music, it's essentially the same thing. It's establishing a religious group and seeing how many people follow it. Even starting a fan club is similar. Recruiting members is like a religion. The only difference is whether music is at the core.

Interviewer: So, there's no need to overreact to the word "religion"?

Uruha: Exactly. We're not trying to present any doctrines or teachings (laughs). If there's anything close to that, it would be something like, "You should vent your daily life stress at our live performances!" (laughs). That's really all there is to it. So, the interpretation of the album is up to the listeners. How they perceive each song is up to them. What's more important is the tour. We’ll be touring with this concept, and the key is how many people we can attract and how much we can entertain them. That's everything.

Interviewer: It also means drawing people in more deeply, right?

Uruha: Yes. Just like followers of a religion go through what they call training, producing adrenaline in the process. In a different form, but fundamentally similar. So, when people are going wild at our shows, it might look like training from an outsider's perspective.

Interviewer: I see. It feels like this work and concept will be crucial for the band to aim higher and continue for a long time. What do you think is the most important thing the band must not lose?

Uruha: The things we mustn't lose... there are many. Too many to count. The most important would be the parts that drive us. If we lose our passion, it would be like having our engine taken out of a car. Trust and relationships with those around us are also crucial. If our connection with the fans breaks, that would be really bad. So, there are many things we must not lose.

Interviewer: What do you think is necessary for the GazettE to continue being the GazettE?

Uruha: What could it be? Probably freedom. The freedom to come up with ideas and pursue different concepts is because of the environment we have. Without that environment, we wouldn’t be able to do anything. So, the most important thing might be freedom.

Interviewer: It's interesting that having an environment where you can think freely allowed you to create something very focused.

Uruha: Yes. Because we have that freedom, we could create this. Trying to do everything at once wouldn't work. Freedom allowed us to create a tightly focused world.

Uruha: But this way of thinking has only recently come about. During the previous album, the freedom we had was more in the ordinary sense. Our use of freedom was different. Realizing that change is part of the flow from the last work to this one.

Interviewer: "DOGMA" isn't a balanced album in the usual sense. It's not a collection of diverse songs with a good balance. Instead, you could say that every song is intense and dark from start to finish. Why were you able to create something like this without hesitation?

Uruha: That's probably because our ideals have changed. When we made the previous album, our ideal was to create a well-balanced work with various elements. But after doing that, we realized that it left an empty space. Noticing that gap led to the next ideal. Ideals aren't singular. If you only have one ideal, you'll end up doing the same thing repeatedly.

Interviewer: Continuously refining the same thing can be beautiful...

Uruha: Yes, if that's truly their ideal. But for the GazettE, I don't think that's the case. We're always looking for gaps, something missing. So, after finishing one thing, we always come up with the next thing we want to do. This momentum and constant change is what drives the band.

Interviewer: So, if people were to say, "How was the new album?" and the answer is, "It's the same as before," that would be a crisis.

Uruha: That would be quite bad. However, it's fine for other bands to stay the same. I don't demand change from bands I like. I want them to stay the same. But we don’t want to keep doing the same thing ourselves (laughs).

Interviewer: That’s quite contrary (laughs). As a listener, you listen to what you want to hear. But as a creator, it’s different.

Uruha: Yes. There's definitely a difference between my creator self and listener self. It may seem contradictory, but both coexist within me. Just creating what my listener self wants to hear doesn’t satisfy my creator self.

Interviewer: You mentioned changing ideals. It makes sense that reactions and reflections on the previous work lead to changes. So, after "DOGMA," will you find another gap?

Uruha: Probably. With "PROJECT: DARK AGE," we’ve put in an unprecedented amount of effort, so the reaction might be significant (laughs). I'm sure there will be moments when we think, "I don't want to do intense songs anymore." I can already see that reaction coming. And since we will continue with this concept for a while, we’ll likely feel fed up with it and be thorough to the point of exhaustion (laughs).

Interviewer: I don’t completely understand your future plans yet, but it seems like it won’t just be one album and a tour. You’re planning to take more time and be thorough.

Interviewer: What led you to this idea?

Uruha: As I said earlier, we’re seeking an attraction. We felt that we needed to have the momentum to turn everyone into believers. Looking back, we thought our previous works had a weak pull. We realized that if the work itself didn’t draw people in, it was pointless. We needed to attract our core audience more deeply. And even though we call them the core audience, we wondered if they all truly felt as passionately as we thought. That’s why we felt the need to draw them in thoroughly, at least once. To do that, we needed a concept that could captivate even ourselves. The word “dogma” had the power to do that. It had something that stirred the heart, which was crucial.

Interviewer: So, the word "dogma" didn't just pop up suddenly, but it came about naturally because you wanted to increase your attraction and become a definitive presence?

Uruha: Exactly. It’s a word with a sound we like and we thought the fans would like it too. We were searching for a word that could reach those sensitive spots, and we came across this word. It wasn’t just a word we liked; it also pointed to something we needed at the time. Everyone who likes visual kei gathered because of that. The band members, the fans, there’s a commonality among us. With “DOGMA,” we want to pull those who gather around the GazettE even deeper. We want to draw them in even more intensely than just within the circle of the GazettE. We want them to get to the core.

Interviewer: Does that mean that music alone isn’t enough to achieve this?

Uruha: Of course, music is the foundation. It must be compelling enough to draw people in on its own. Even before the artwork and accompanying elements were decided, the idea of releasing an album called "DOGMA," which seemed intense, already excited me. At that point, I had already cleared my own hurdle. So, I had high expectations. If it’s something I can look forward to, I’m sure the fans will follow. We have to believe in that. If it’s not accepted, then our tastes must be different...

Interviewer: Yes. it would be disappointing, wouldn't it?

Uruha: Yes. But I think it’s good to clarify any ambiguity. By reaffirming what our music is about, the fans will understand the band better. I believe that will be the result.

Interviewer: You want to deepen the relationship with the fans to the point where it could almost be called religious.

Uruha: Yes. To put it simply, I want to make them unable to escape. Not just strengthening the bond.

Interviewer: And as you mentioned earlier, this is definitely at the core of the GazettE in 2015, however, this doesn't mean it will continue like this musically forever.

Uruha: I think so. It depends on the reaction we get after this album is released and after the tour. It will depend on the reaction within ourselves during that time too. It will determine where we go next. Right now, it's still too early to say.

Uruha: I don't really want to think about it. Right now, I’m focusing completely on this, and when I’m entirely focused, the next reaction should naturally emerge. In the past, I thought I had to see several years into the future. But that can make the present feel insubstantial. While the future is important, I want to focus on the amazing concept in front of us now. We can't go back to who we were at that time. For example, a work is like a child; if I had a child, their early years would never come again. That’s why I want to be fully present at that moment. I think it’s the same thing.

Interviewer: Thinking about the future doesn’t necessarily open the path ahead.

Uruha: I think there's a way to move forward like that, of course. However, I've come to think that focusing on the present will connect to the future better.

Interviewer: Even if you try to think about the future...

Uruha: It doesn’t go as planned (laughs).

Interviewer: Even if you make a plan, it doesn’t go accordingly. But the reason you tried to plan was because of anxiety, right?

Uruha: That might be part of it. I was thinking about how to keep going. Like, since we came this far, what’s next, or considering the state of the world. But looking back, those events don’t end up being that meaningful. Taking that stance can make time pass by unremarkably. I think it’s more important to create something big and focus on it. To tackle each moment as it comes.

Interviewer: And by focusing on the present, some kind of reaction is always born, revealing the next step. It seems that now you can focus on the present because you've gained a solid sense of identity and the anxiety has disappeared.

Uruha: Yes. Simply put, it’s because “I’m interested in this now.” The flow of time up to this point has been important. The “redefinition” tour had a huge impact. That year was significant. From the outside, people might have wondered about it.

Interviewer: Like, “Are you on hiatus?”

Uruha: That was one reaction. People also probably said, “Release a CD!” But having a year without releases was important. At that time, we were convinced that we needed a break.

Interviewer: If you’re stuck in the routine of releasing an album and touring every year, the band might burn out. Taking time off can reveal things you hadn’t seen before. Through the “redefinition” process, you re-experienced your past chronologically and confirmed that your history was a series of reactions.

Uruha: Yes. We needed to review what the GazettE is and take time to think. Everyone has times when they need a break. Continuing in the same cycle indefinitely isn't normal. It was important for people to understand that we’re human.

Interviewer: This ties into whether music alone is enough. Will the band continue to be visual kei in the future?

Uruha: I think so (laughs). Not because we’re bound by it, but because we like it. We don’t see ourselves as fitting into a category; we just like visual kei and it’s ingrained in us. We use visual kei methods and nuances to realize our ideals. After being in visual kei for so long, we don’t even think of ourselves as playing visual kei music anymore. It doesn’t matter. We do things that don’t seem visual kei naturally. We initially sought that when we started the band, but over time, we’ve experimented with different genres. How people categorize us doesn’t matter anymore.

Interviewer: The ideal stance is that categories don’t matter and aren’t necessary. The band isn’t trying to be visual kei; rather, when the GazettE does what it does best, visual elements and methods are indispensable, right?

Uruha: Yes. So, when people say, “You have visual kei elements,” I don’t deny it. “Oh, really? That shows?” (laughs). But we’re not doing visual kei. There’s no resistance to it, but that’s not the point. I want people to understand that we’re not trying to compete within that framework.

Interviewer: That sentiment must be reflected in this work, too.

Uruha: Yes. What we should create and wanted to create is exactly this. But it doesn’t mean we’ll stay the same forever. While we may not have infinite time, we’ll decide together on the next direction and run towards it. And it feels really freeing.

Interviewer: It’s because of that freedom that you can go deeper. It’s not that this was the only thing you could create, but you chose this among infinite possibilities. That’s important.

Uruha: That’s crucial. No doubt.

Interviewer: The birth of the title “DOGMA” was inevitable, and without it, this work wouldn’t exist.

Uruha: Yes. In reality, it’s about fitting the word and concept to what we wanted to do. It’s not that we had a theme first and created around it, but rather what we wanted to do came first. Then we thought, “What word expresses this?” and that’s how we arrived at the title.

Interviewer: Even if you had thought of the word “dogma” between the previous albums, you were in a period of wanting to create new music and try unknown methods. So, it wouldn’t have been the title then.

Uruha: Yes. If we had finished the previous album and come up with this word, we might have chosen it. But if it had come up before making the previous album, it would’ve been rejected. It really appeared at the right time. I think everything had that kind of inevitability.

Interviewer: It’s often said that a name represents its essence, and I think the same can be said about the album "DOGMA." What kind of image did you have of this title, Aoi-san?

Aoi: You mean as a word, right? At first, I wondered, “What is 'dogma'?” The word itself didn’t feel very real to me. It wasn’t completely disconnected from the band’s image, but it also wasn’t straightforward. It didn’t quite fit comfortably anywhere. Also, while the word was new to us, it had been used in many contexts before.

Interviewer: It's been quite commonly used in the visual kei scene, hasn't it?

Aoi: Yes, exactly. So, initially, I didn’t have a great impression of it. I wondered, “Why use this word now?” There was that feeling. In our past works, we've often embraced somewhat impersonal or coined terms, and this word "dogma" appeared suddenly, with a worldview that seemed too fixed. At first, it was difficult to grasp how to approach it.

Interviewer: The previous two albums had a clear concept in terms of how the music was made, right? But with the word “dogma,” it’s hard to see a specific method or theme.

Aoi: It’s paradoxical. It’s both too clear and too elusive at the same time.

Interviewer: The word has a grandiose feel. Did it feel strange to use such a religious-sounding word now?

Aoi: Yes, but in our discussions, it became clear that it represented an absolute thing for us, something fundamental to the GazettE. Once we understood that, it started to feel doable. Simply creating songs that respond to the word “dogma” wouldn’t have worked. But if it’s about our absolute essence, then we could work with that.

Interviewer: Your own absolute essence. That wouldn’t mean creating completely different music, but rather, focusing on what you’re best at, right?

Aoi: Yes. When we thought of it that way, we started to see the final form of the album. It felt more intense, like there weren’t many sweet elements. We’re not sure how it will affect listeners, but if we believe in it absolutely, then that result is fine. In the past, we might have thought we needed a ballad or a more familiar song. But for this, we didn’t worry about that.

Interviewer: Usually, when striving for an ideal album, you tend to think about the balance of the songs.

Aoi: If we had focused on that balance, it wouldn’t have turned out this way. In that sense, it’s not a balanced album. But making it as “DOGMA” naturally led to this. We couldn’t imagine it any other way. We created many songs and carefully selected from them, which led to this result. This is what we wanted to showcase, with absolute confidence.

Interviewer: That’s an interesting point. Normally, when selecting from many songs, you avoid ones that overlap in impression. But in this case, all the songs feel dark, like they’re all black in color. It’s hard to describe each track individually because many are expressed in similar terms.

Aoi: Exactly. There were times when it felt a bit scary. But if you don’t believe in yourselves, it can’t become something absolute. Making an album without worrying about balance is inherently scary. We want to be liked rather than disliked, naturally. There was a fear that it wouldn’t be accepted, but as a work, it’s better not to have regrets. If we had added pop songs or ballads for balance, we might have regretted it.

Interviewer: So, if you had aimed to write universally good or heart-touching songs, it wouldn’t have turned out this way. But perhaps that’s why it’s good.

Aoi: Yes, the starting point wasn’t to write universally acclaimed songs. It was simply about what we wanted people to hear. Even if it’s not accepted, we have no regrets. Otherwise, we couldn’t have titled it “DOGMA.” It’s a risky title because it asserts our doctrine. If something isn’t included here, it’s not part of the GazettE’s core path.

Interviewer: It’s true. This title indicates that what’s included here is essential to the band. If it’s not included, it suggests it’s not part of the GazettE’s core.

Aoi: Exactly. But right now, this is what we wanted to release. We don’t have more to show for “DOGMA” at this moment. There’s more to come in the future, but for the first release in this series, this form is the only one we could think of.

Interviewer: What led you to the decision to focus on your core essence so thoroughly here?

Aoi: It’s hard to say. It’s a flow from the previous two works. There’s a part of us testing ourselves within that flow. It felt like a challenge to see how far we could go with the GazettE. If we were going to go that far, it made sense to establish our absolutes. That’s my interpretation. Others in the band might have different thoughts, maybe they just thought “dogma” sounded cool (laughs). But that’s how I took it.

Interviewer: In the past, you’ve deliberately tried different approaches, even in the last two albums. You’ll probably continue exploring new areas in the future. But it seems you needed to reaffirm and shape your core essence now.

Aoi: I think so too. The band has been around for over ten years, and to continue working together in the future, this was a necessary step.

Aoi: If it’s not intense, I can’t feel a reason to do it. But, I think that after we create something like “DOGMA,” then when we think about creating something in the future, our vision will become clearer.

Interviewer: So to put it bluntly, it’s like creating a noun again, it becomes a work that says "this is the kind of band we are," right?

Aoi: Yeah. Ultimately, over these 13 years, there were times when I didn’t quite understand RUKI's symbolic part of the band, but reaching this point now feels significant. For example, in past interviews, I’ve said things like, “I don’t really understand this music.” During that time, I tried to understand the songs more deeply. That’s probably why we were able to create this album.

Interviewer: Even if a song didn’t align with your own tastes, you believed it would add value to the whole, or it was necessary for where you were heading in the future, right?

Aoi: Yes, that's right. So... RUKI doesn't really explain everything, so we have to find answers ourselves... Whether those answers are correct or not is uncertain, but we need to show a proactive stance. If we don’t, we might not really be a band anymore. We do get asked, “What do you want to do?” and we have to maintain a sense of being a band.

Interviewer: What it means to be a band can differ. It’s not necessarily about everyone always having intense communication and unified intentions. In the case of this band, there are a lot of elements like the band’s worldview and aesthetics that RUKI transmits, right? And the chemistry that happens around that defines your band’s essence.

Aoi: I want to believe that too. Honestly, there were times when I felt like it was just about his opinions. That was just my perspective. At such times, the members don’t talk more than necessary to each other, but if you try to understand, the other person responds. It's that kind of feeling. Such a flow comes around, and that’s how we got here.

Interviewer: I also feel that "DOGMA" will become a standard to measure various things against in the future.

Aoi: Indeed. Saying that might be interpreted as a return to roots, but it’s completely different. It’s not about going back to our roots. It’s still about the present and, probably the future too. RUKI remains the core of the GazettE. But no one really understands what’s in RUKI's head (laughs), and I honestly don’t know how we’ll progress from here. However, if we can branch out from that core, that’s the essence of the GazettE. Our way of creating works might change. But no matter what happens, it will still be the GazettE. That’s what I believe now. In a good sense, of course.

Interviewer: When you say “it will still be the GazettE,” it could be taken as meaning that you can’t become anything else, but that’s not the case. It means that no matter how things turn, it will still be the GazettE, right?

Aoi: Yes. That’s how I feel about it.

Interviewer: So, what do you think are the essential elements for the GazettE to continue being the GazettE? I’m sure it’s not just one or two things.

Aoi: Hmm. There was a time when I was quite self-deprecating (laughs), but that period is essential to my current self. Ultimately, it’s about these five members, no matter what. Even if one person seems outstanding and I feel envious of that, or if there used to be such feelings. Even though there were times when I saw someone standing out who wasn’t very visible from the outside, there must have been a part that was always sought after, and yet at that time, I didn't try to see that reality. So, after all, it’s important to keep in mind that "this person doesn't really want to do it solo, do they?" and that it's really the GazettE with these five people, and it’s important for mutual trust to exist, or it just won’t work. Otherwise, I don’t think we can make anything decent. Even now, in this situation, when we were making "DOGMA," we talked a lot. Yes, it's no good if there’s someone who's a bit self-deprecating (laughs). But I think if there hadn’t been such a time, I wouldn’t have been able to think the way I do now.

Interviewer: Everyone experiences different degrees of self-deprecation, and whether it’s visible or not, it’s something that’s always there. After more than 10 years as a band, it’s natural to have such phases. Those “valleys” allow you to climb the next “mountains,” so to speak.

Aoi: You’re absolutely right (laughs). That’s something we shouldn’t lose. It’s about not giving up. Even if it doesn’t feel right for you personally, you push through until the final moment of fixing it. Without that mindset, it’s disrespectful to the other members. That’s what we’re working on now. It’s important not to give up.

Interviewer: Not giving up. Essentially believing in yourselves but being wary of overconfidence?

Aoi: Yes, exactly.

Interviewer: Moreover, while believing in yourselves, your band is not completely closed off to outside influences. The existence of “PROJECT: DARK AGE” symbolizes that.

Aoi: Exactly. While we take the initiative in creating our works, especially regarding sound, it’s not something we do alone. It becomes a project for everyone involved. We need people who can resonate with that. That’s what makes a work complete. Only with people who can elevate each other can we create something meaningful. However, with “PROJECT: DARK AGE,” I did feel like we gathered a bunch of strong personalities (laughs).

Interviewer: Another essential element for the band’s existence and continuity is the fans. What do you want from them? Just your current thoughts.

Aoi: What is it? I don’t want them to take everything we present as absolute. Even though we’re putting out something we consider absolute, I don’t want them to have a one-track interpretation.

Aoi: Even if they don’t take everything we put out as absolute, that might actually be a good thing. I think it’s fine if our fans also check out other bands, and view us with a flexible mindset. For example, even if they think, “What are these guys doing now?” I just want them to enjoy it. It’s not like we’re saying, “We’re presenting this, so you must accept it in a certain way.”

Interviewer: "DOGMA" is a sacred text, an absolute thing. It has a somewhat religious aspect. In that sense, it could be seen as the band being the leaders and the fans being followers. However, you want to leave the interpretation of that sacred text up to the fans, right?

Aoi: Exactly. Personally, I see it as a set of principles for me to continue being part of the GazettE. That’s how I interpret it, and it feels right to me. I think it’s great if everyone listens, watches, and engages with it in their own way and develops their own interpretation of the GazettE. So, it’s not like we’re saying, “This is the answer from the five of us to you.”

Interviewer: It’s more like a set of conditions, rather than an answer.

Aoi: Yes, and it’s not like if you don’t meet these conditions, you can’t be a fan of the GazettE. At least, that’s not my perspective.

Interviewer: But, like a devoted follower memorizing a sacred text, it would be ideal if fans get deeply engrossed in this album and try to fully understand it.

Aoi: Of course. Personally, I consider it my absolute truth. It’s very gratifying if there are people who feel the same way. In that sense, it is somewhat religious. Even though I am not religious at all.

Interviewer: What is your image of religion?

Aoi: There are those who show something, and there are those who accept it... It's that kind of thing, isn't it? Certainly, I think there are similarities to the relationship between this band and its fans. However, what one believes in is up to the individual. I don’t see anything wrong with people finding solace in something religious. What we’re doing isn’t much different. There are people who pay to take in what we put out. However, we probably can’t really save anyone.

Interviewer: You don’t think so? I believe you do.

Aoi: Well, I'm not sure. There might be people out there who feel like they've been saved in some way (laughs). But, we’re not doing this with the grand purpose of saving someone. There are creators who send out something, and there are people who receive it or resonate with it. The more people resonate with it, the bigger it becomes. That feels very natural for a band.

Interviewer: Yes. Each person’s interpretation doesn’t need to be exactly the same, but it is like asking, “How will you receive the absolute aspect of the GazettE?”

Aoi: Yes, I think that’s a good place to leave it. I don’t want to go as far as limiting interpretations.

Interviewer: I also wanted to ask a bit about the visual kei approach. Previously, you all mentioned not wanting to go down the predictable path of becoming more natural as you gain experience. Has that mindset changed?

Aoi: Not really. I think, “If we’re not like this, who would want it?” It’s not something I can just stop or continue on my own will. The GazettE needs to be this way to be necessary. Honestly, continuing this way is a hassle, time-consuming, and tough. But if it’s what’s desired… I can’t just say, “I don’t want to do makeup anymore, I’ll go natural.” Aoi from the GazettE is undeniably me, but it’s not just about me anymore. The same goes for RUKI and the other members. It’s not something I can change based on my own feelings, stopping it forcefully would just be selfish and unnecessary ego.

Interviewer: I see. Indeed, music alone doesn’t define a band or a work. There are many surrounding elements like artwork, videos, and costumes. Some may say, “We are purely about the music, everything else doesn’t matter,” and that might seem like the correct stance for musicians. However, for your band, while music is fundamental, all visual elements are essential too. Without them, it wouldn’t be complete.

Aoi: Exactly. It's hard to put into words, but while music is absolutely central, it’s also just the starting point. What we create isn’t just simple music; it’s a comprehensive form. Our genre and the way we make music are about completing this holistic form. Sound is crucial, but it’s not just about sound. We want everything the audience interacts with to be perfect. That includes the visuals and makeup, if it’s necessary for what’s desired. We’re not just about one aspect.

Interviewer: Of course, hearing someone say, “I like the photos but not the music” would be disappointing. But you believe all these elements are essential for the work to be complete, right? Ideally, the aesthetic and sensibility behind the music should resonate as well.

Aoi: Absolutely. We’re definitely not ordinary, from our looks to everything else. But if you see us as a whole, you’ll realize how all the elements match perfectly. That’s enough for me. Sure, it’s tricky for summer outdoor festivals and it’s hard to maintain (laughs).

Interviewer: Your costumes have become more elaborate too.

Aoi: It does make it harder to move like a typical rock band, heavier in a way. But we still go to festivals like this (laughs). Even if it’s physically demanding, I want to keep moving lightly in spirit. This kind of intense worldview is something you can’t achieve otherwise. As long as it feels justified, it’s meaningful for us. For us, it’s all natural. Everything naturally accompanies the music.

Interviewer: Yes, I understand. For people who initially pick up your work because of the music, noticing these elements is valuable.

Aoi: Indeed. If it leads to new discoveries for them, that’s wonderful and exactly what we hope for.

Interviewer: When you put out a title like "DOGMA", it’s inevitable that people will wonder, "What is the GazettE?" It makes you imagine that this work delves deeply into that question. Is that the correct way to perceive it?

Reita: Yes, I think that's right.

Interviewer: What led you to the idea of creating such an album?

Reita: Up until now, we've made albums that embody a certain worldview, but it's never been this clear. We've tried to shape things based on themes like the colors of the five of us or the essence of the GazettE. However, this time, with the theme of "DOGMA," the very sound of the word stimulates imagination and suggests a specific concept. We've never created an album with such a defined theme before. As we delved into it, it became more interesting and we didn’t want to do anything halfway. That’s how it progressed.

Interviewer: Even without knowing the meaning of the word, I think everyone will get a sense of a creepy, heavy atmosphere. And in reality, it means doctrine or scripture. So, if this band were a religion, would this album be its scripture?

Reita: The relationship between this band and its fans is quite similar to that, isn’t it? We wanted to clearly present that quasi-religious atmosphere. At the same time, we also feel like, "Are we the only ones left in visual kei?" If that’s the case, then it’s only natural for us to create our own religion.

Interviewer: Are you saying, "We are the only gods"?

Reita: I wouldn’t go that far, but yes, something like that (laughs).

Interviewer: There are various bands within the visual kei scene with different musical directions. Instead of asserting that "we're different from others," you’re saying it’s more like, "It's okay with just us"?

Reita: Yes, we feel that if we do this, we won't lose to anyone, and other bands aren’t necessary. That's how we feel.

Interviewer: Now, you've turned everyone into your enemies (laughs).

Reita: Hahaha! Given the diversity in visual kei today, there aren't many others we resonate with... To be honest, death metal seems more visual kei to me these days. It made me reconsider what visual kei really is.

Interviewer: That interpretation can differ by generation. Nowadays, the mainstream in that category might be characterized by a cute, sparkling look with an anything-goes musical approach.

Reita: Yeah. But for us, this is what visual kei is, and it's kind of our origin. It's how we felt when we first learned about visual kei... That might be close to what's packed into "DOGMA."

Interviewer: Death metal often accompanies an aesthetic sense, religious sublimity, and strictness.

Reita: Exactly. The clarity of that worldview, the fact that it's not just anything goes, is close to our idea of visual kei. Nowadays, there are many who do anything goes, but to me, that feels a bit off.

Interviewer: So, you were fed up with the mainstream trend of doing anything goes?

Reita: Yeah. Well, we started the band with a close-to-no-concept approach, but as we continued, the feeling of "this is who we are" emerged. That answer is what we have now. We are different from others, and we’re doing things that others can’t or wouldn’t want to do in this era. Moreover, it's not something that has a hint of the underground but rather something that has gained a certain level of acceptance. The scale and scope are important. By presenting such a worldview, I honestly believe we can’t be beaten.

Interviewer: When people aim to expand and grow, they mostly try to throw something that anyone can easily like, right? But you’re doing the exact opposite. By throwing something extremely pinpointed and extreme, you’re trying to highlight your own existence.

Reita: Exactly. So, people who like it will love it, and it’s meant to keep those who like us from ever leaving. This album isn’t something that everyone will like. I myself understand that.

Interviewer: You say that so definitively.

Reita: Yes. (laughs)

Interviewer: You want to ensure that those who like you will never leave. So, it’s not enough if someone listens to this album and thinks, "the GazettE is my third favorite band"?

Reita: "What's that?" That's the feeling (laughs). We don’t need such words. I know not everyone will like it, and if they hate it, that’s fine, as long as they come to their own conclusion. If someone dislikes it, that’s unavoidable. What’s most frightening is "not being known." Seeing but not liking, listening but hating, is not a problem for me.

Interviewer: Although, if too many people felt that way, it would be a problem.

Reita: True (laughs). But it helps to have people come to their own conclusions. They often say the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. That’s exactly what I think. We started this band and have been doing our best... if people are indifferent, that’s unfulfilling. It means our existence doesn’t matter to them.

Interviewer: So even if the response is negative, being recognized is more important than being unknown?

Reita: Yes, I have no problem with it. That’s why I want to perform at festivals. Because there, a diverse crowd will judge if they like us or not. Of course, it’s risky. The scariest thing is people going to eat during our set. (laughs) If they listen to one song and then leave because they felt nothing, there's nothing you can do.

Interviewer: Didn't you consider the risk that pursuing this path might result in losing something?

Reita: No. If what we think is cool makes people think "that's.. different" then the GazettE doesn’t need to be in their world. That’s the answer. I don’t think we lose anything there.

Interviewer: But what if the majority ends up thinking "that's different"?

Reita: Yes, that might happen. But it won’t lead to despair. Because we believe what we’re doing is cool. To those who say they hate it, I’d just think, "If you hate it, that’s fine, but you don’t get it."

Reita: There aren't many bands like us, right? That's what I think. It might sound conceited (laughs), but that's how I feel.

Interviewer: And at the same time, you're confident that those who have liked the GazettE up until now will like you even more with this release, right?

Reita: Yes. Because I myself like bands like this. So, in the end, it's just my assumption. But it's hard to do something based on the idea, "I don't like it, but maybe everyone else will?" That just feels a bit forced. In the end, you have to run with the belief that what you like, everyone else will like too.

Interviewer: In other words, you're aiming at people out there who share the same sensibilities and values as you do.

Reita: Yes. I believe there are definitely people who will resonate with us. Through our 13 years of activity, I've come to understand that there are quite a few of those people out there.

Interviewer: Do you think that this confidence, backed by your past achievements, has pushed you to take bold actions, like making this album?

Reita: Yes. Above all, the fans who have supported us all along have given us the confidence. So even if that leads to us going a bit overboard, it’s the fans' fault for encouraging us. (laughs)

Interviewer: "It's your fault for getting us all fired up," right?

Reita: Exactly. (laughs) But, whether you call it overboard or not, we have a sense of "this is what you’re expecting from us, right?" So even if people think, "No, this isn’t it," we can say, "Too bad, but this is what the GazettE is now." We're not going to change just because of that.

Interviewer: You mentioned "the current GazettE." While it's clear that "DOGMA" represents the core of the band, you’re not saying you'll always do the same thing.

Reita: Of course. You never know what’s ahead. After we release this album, tour with it, and finish the final show, then maybe we'll understand what this album means to us. So, I can only say it's the current GazettE.

Interviewer: This time, it seems like the period you'll spend on this theme will be longer than usual.

Reita: We wanted to delay finding the answer a bit longer. Usually, after releasing an album, we start touring about a week later, finish it in two months, and reach the tour final. In such a typical flow, you end up having to find the answer within about three months from the album release. But making an album takes way longer than three months. If we have to find the answer in that short time, we have to move quickly. I feel that this is one reason why bands don't last long. We need to enjoy one album for a longer time. Otherwise, I feel like we might come to a stop.

Interviewer: For instance, the previous two albums were made in a relatively short span and were battles against time. Trying to keep up such a cycle might wear you down, right?

Reita: Definitely. You get worn out, and the band’s lifespan gets shorter. That's not desirable for us at all. We want to keep doing the band, that's why we work hard. So, we need to think more about the way we spend time on each album. Japan is small, so even a national tour ends quickly. But in other countries, the tours for one album last much longer. They keep searching for answers during that time. Compared to that, I feel like we’re rushing too much.

Interviewer: Your evolution and growth might be fast, but aging might progress quickly too.

Reita: Exactly. That’s scary, and not what we want at all.

Interviewer: Do you feel like you want to do a tour for "DOGMA" for 2-3 years, like bands in the West do?

Reita: Yes. I want to spend more time and enjoy it more. I want to do it until I feel like I can't do it anymore. I want to get to the point where I can play the songs in my sleep. (laughs) Until it sticks with me that much.

Interviewer: Maybe you won't see what you want to do next until you go all out like that.

Reita: I think so too.

Interviewer: When thinking about keeping the band going for a long time, what do you think is important aside from how you use your time?

Reita: When I say I want to keep the band going for a long time, I don’t just mean continuing the band's activities. The position we’re in is very important. I want to continue for a long time while being at the top.

Interviewer: You don’t just want to be a long-lived band?

Reita: Right. Like I said before, "there’s no one else in visual kei but us," and I don’t want those words to become embarrassing. If we say something like that and then disappear quickly, it would be like, "Oh? There's no one left." So, to continue for a long time means we want to stay at the forefront.

Interviewer: To always be at the forefront and continue until you really can't anymore. What do you think is necessary for that?

Reita: This might sound contradictory, but I think it’s living in the present. If you only want to continue for a long time, you could take it easy. Musically too. If we keep doing only intense songs, it's like, "What is there left to do in the future?" (laughs). But I think by living in the present, we can continue for a long time. That’s what keeps us at the forefront. If we start thinking about making songs that we can play even as old men, it’s like we’re already preparing to step back. So, always being cool in the present is important. That accumulation is the answer, I think. It might sound contradictory though.

Interviewer: If you don't give it your all each time, you can't keep going, right? Considering your age, physical strength, and preferences five years from now while facing the present is impossible. If you think like that, you might just become the person you imagine. Assuming you’ll decline and then changing things because of that. It’s important not to decline.

Reita: Exactly. The GazettE has been around for over 13 years now, and there are many bands that have been around for more than 10 years. But...

Reita: Honestly, I think there are some bands out there that are just continuing because they had no other choice..

Celebrating anniversaries and such can sometimes feel like an insider thing. Sure, there are those who have been supporting us since the beginning and might find it deeply moving, but there are also fans who just started liking us a month ago. For them, it might not matter if we say it’s our anniversary. For instance, having an anniversary concert is fine. But what’s important is to make people think, “Wow, they are at their best right now!” If we just play a lot of nostalgic songs, it might feel like an anniversary concert, but I wonder if it really shows who we are now. As a service, it might not be bad, but if that’s all there is, it might be better to just watch a DVD. An anniversary concert should be about showing who we are now, not just celebrating the past.

Interviewer: I see. Indeed, if you think you’re going to decline in the future, you might subconsciously start preparing for it, and thinking that way means you’re aware you’ve passed your peak. If you thought the last album was the peak, you might try to repeat the same thing. But for the GazettE, you always want now to be the peak, and you want to keep updating it, right?

Reita: Exactly. I think it’s about momentum. When you start liking a band, it’s not a settled band, but a band with a lot of momentum. If you only go for that, you’ll always be interested in the younger ones. But I think it’s possible to keep that momentum even after many years. It’s about how you present yourselves and your mindset. Instead of thinking, “We’ve been doing this for 13 years, maybe it’s time to…” we should have the same or even more energy than in the first year.

Interviewer: Continuing as a visual kei band is particularly difficult. There’s the risk of getting stuck trying to maintain the fans’ image of you, which could result in becoming a deteriorated copy of your past selves. You want to keep your momentum and not fall into that trap, right?

Reita: Of course. I think bands like us should transcend borders, religions, and even age. From the fact that we’ve been together for 13 years, people can guess our ages, but if we don’t mention it, they wouldn’t know. We shouldn’t be bound by the idea of acting our age.

Interviewer: So the concept of acting your age doesn’t apply to this band?

Reita: Exactly. I don’t even know what acting our age means. We don’t want to just get younger, but we want more momentum. More than before. We always want to be seen as having the most momentum right now.

Interviewer: To some people, seasoned bands trying to seek momentum might look like older folks desperately flailing.

Reita: I understand, but it’s different. It’s like our eyes aren’t dead. We want people to think, “These guys are still going to do amazing things.” I personally like bands that give you that feeling. I want the GazettE to be that kind of band. In the past, our momentum might have just been reckless, but being reckless alone reveals a lack of depth. Even now, we might still be a bit reckless, but we’ve gained a lot of experience that serves as a stronger base now. Before, we just jumped with leg strength, but now we use that base to jump even higher. We want to be the ones who always jump higher than anyone else, using both our heads and our experience.

Interviewer: When the band strives to be like that, how do you want the fans to be?

Reita: I think fans will often feel like they’re being dragged along by us, but I believe that’s natural. Fans don’t create the band. We want to keep swinging them around, and we want to cherish those who hold on. On the other hand, if the band gets swung around by the fans, it’s no good. We create something first, and people empathize with that and enjoy it fully.

Interviewer: In that sense, “DOGMA” is like a set of rules for the GazettE, but it’s the band that presents them, not the audience.

Reita: It’s like religion. Believers don’t change the rules. We should present them clearly, and if we do, it will be clear who likes and dislikes it, and those who like it will like it even more. It’s okay if people start liking us halfway through. Even if they don’t like it now, they might listen to “DOGMA” again next year and really like it. I want them to clearly decide if it’s a hit or miss for them.

Interviewer: That’s like religion too. You either believe everything or nothing. No one deeply believes in multiple religions equally.

Reita: Right. Religion has general laws and then additional laws for a limited group. It means you lose more freedom, but the people in it feel happy. It’s fascinating. I often wonder what religion really is. It’s about enjoying a restricted world in your own way. The GazettE also has things we shouldn’t do or can’t do as the GazettE. That might limit our freedom, but it also keeps us sharp. So if fans like this band, they should understand what the GazettE is and come to our concerts with that understanding.

Interviewer: “DOGMA” is a guide for the fans to understand what this band is all about.

Reita: I think so. I’ve been saying some pretty bold things, but we need strong words like this to match the album.

Interviewer: Looking back at the recording process, how does it compare to the completion of previous albums?

Kai: The sense of accomplishment is entirely different. It's not that this time is particularly significant, but rather that it feels like it's not quite finished yet. Honestly, it doesn't feel like a definitive "Ah, it's done!" moment at all. It feels like only a part of the process has been completed. To use a human body as a metaphor, it's like we've only just completed the torso. So, it's like we're finished, yet not finished. I was aware that I would feel this way from the start, and that’s how we’ve been progressing.

Interviewer: What do you mean by that? This time, there are many additional elements like the book, photo album, and DVD. The artwork is also very elaborate. Does this mean it won't feel complete until everything is released?

Kai: That's part of it, but even when everything is ready, I don’t think it will feel like a complete closure. The album "DOGMA" itself will be complete, but the "PROJECT: DARK AGE," is still just starting. The flow of time is different this time. It's not like before, where we released an album, toured, and then it was done.

Interviewer: The tour seems far from over, as it’s not just confined to Japan. It looks like the "OMINOUS YEAR" will continue.

Kai: Yes, and we still don’t know what our mindset will be after the album and tour. I feel like we won't have fully processed everything by then. Sometimes, right after finishing an album, you want to start creating the next one. But I can't see what we’ll create after digesting this one. I predict that we'll be running for a long time from now. This feeling will probably grow stronger as we move forward, which is a wonderful thing.

Interviewer: Did you aim to create this album as a starting point for a slow and thorough process leading to the next phase?

Kai: Yes, we intended to create something like that. This work was being done while we pondered deeply about what "the GazettE" means. This reflection has been especially strong this time. The process of questioning myself about the band's essence will continue as long as the GazettE exists. This time, we’ve delved into our true essence. Regardless of what we do in the future, I think this core part will remain unshaken.

Interviewer: Fans, used to interpreting your words deeply, might have expected this album to define the GazettE's doctrine, given its title "DOGMA."

Kai: That might be true. One of the reasons we reached this point is due to our history. Timing also plays a part.

Interviewer: Was there a sense of resetting involved?

Kai: Maybe. We toured under the theme of "redefinition" in 2014, performing mostly live shows and not releasing much. Live shows are where we feel the most like ourselves and gain various insights. I felt that it was a necessary time to thoroughly reflect on our journey, something we hadn’t done before.

Interviewer: The tour followed the release order of your albums, allowing you to relive your history in chronological order.

Kai: Exactly. It was a year of constantly facing our past. We were able to look at the GazettE and ourselves more closely than ever before. This is why we’ve reached the point we are in now.

Interviewer: This might sound rude, but didn’t you discover anything you’d rather not admit, like thinking you hadn’t progressed as much as you’d hoped or that your earlier work was better?

Kai: (Laughs) Fortunately, not at all.

Interviewer: That’s good to hear (laughs).

Kai: As we performed more tours following the order of our albums, we realized we had consistently improved and climbed our own ladder. Now, we're here, and naturally, we start thinking about what ladder to climb next. But to move forward, we need a solid foundation. This led us to question, "What is the GazettE?" and create an album around that concept.

Interviewer: I see. Did you discuss this among the five of you?

Kai: Yes, we frequently discussed it. Initially, everyone was cautious, but we talked things over each time. The word "dogma" had already come up, so we naturally envisioned an album that reaffirms the essence of the GazettE. Through discussions, we gradually identified the elements we wanted to highlight. One of the most significant keywords for me was "dogma." It resonated with me and seemed to define the album's character.

Interviewer: That makes sense. However, when it comes to embodying that in music, wasn't it challenging to figure out what to do?

Kai: Not really. Ultimately, it's about fully expressing ourselves and presenting the GazettE as we are. We’ve always done that, so it felt natural to us.

Interviewer: True, but the word “dogma” also has a somewhat religious connotation, doesn’t it?

Kai: Maybe, but I don’t feel that much. Perhaps because I didn’t know the word well. (laughs) Sure, the relationship between a band and its fans can seem a bit like a religion. But for me, it wasn’t about doing something religious; it was more about “dogma of the GazettE.” That strong link in interpretation led me naturally to this project.

Interviewer: I see. What does “the GazettE” mean to you?

Kai: Well... It might not be a direct answer, but I feel that we are not suited to “throwing things out there.” We need to “smash it down” instead. That’s who we are.

Interviewer: Indeed, that’s how it should be.

Kai: Right? (laughs). Instead of asking, “How do you feel?” it’s about showing it blatantly. That’s the spirit, the stance that defines the GazettE. It links strongly with the concept of “dogma.” It’s not about asking fans to follow us; it’s about demanding they come along. That’s the type the GazettE is. So, we must lead with that strength. Sure, it might link with the religious aspect, but every band has its way. That’s ours.

Interviewer: Rather than “throwing it out,” you “smash down.” And what you smash down must be overwhelming or absolute, right?

Kai: Yes, it must be something we have absolute confidence and conviction in.

Interviewer: In today’s world, there seem to be more bands and artists that “throw things out there.” Don’t you think that makes you want to perfect the “smashing down” approach even more?

Kai: Yes, there’s that contrarian streak in our band. We don’t try to follow the trends or do the same as others. If it’s our truth, it doesn’t matter if it’s mainstream or not. Even if criticized, it’s like, “So what?”

Interviewer: I suppose the GazettE’s “doctrine” includes the phrase, “Rock is not about throwing out; it’s about smashing down.” What’s the one thing you most want to smash down to your listeners?

Kai: That It’s not just us. It’s about the feeling that “You, the fans, are also part of the band!” It’s about smashing down the sense that “It’s not just us.” The band must be absolute, but...

Interviewer: You mean it’s up to the fans to take it in, right?

Kai: Yes, everything depends on you. What spreads and deepens also relies on you. Speaking practically, if we throw down something confident, but no one follows, we can’t do anything. Our activities will falter, and the band might cease to exist. But if we have supporters, what we can do grows and deepens, making the band unique.

Interviewer: So the band’s value is decided by the fans too.

Kai: Yes, in part. It’s not just “thanks to you all.”

Interviewer: Like, “That band is amazing, and so are their fans,” right? Ultimately, you want fans to evolve with the band, which makes you want to smash down this “doctrine.”

Kai: Exactly. I want core fans to become even more core. So dedicated that they don't even have room in their profile to mention other bands (laughs). Just the GazettE. Saying they can’t live without us. We need to be that kind of band. That’s the ultimate relationship with fans.

Interviewer: Right. Having fans that deeply dedicated depends on the band’s charm, right?

Kai: Yes, we need to be a band so compelling that fans have no interest in others. Only then can we be truly unique. It’s not about doing something different from others but being compelling in our way.

Interviewer: Otherwise, it’s just a narrow niche.

Kai: Haha! Exactly. Instead of a narrow niche, we should aim to blow everything away. It’s very rock n roll to not follow others, but if we can do it, why hesitate?

Interviewer: The ones who do it best get recognized, not necessarily the first one to do it.

Kai: Right. In the big picture, we are niche, but we’re making our mark there.

Interviewer: Fans are surely attracted to that aspect. But it’s not just about prioritizing the demands of what you could call the "core of the core" fans. You must also aim to make an impact on those outside that core.

Kai: Yeah. But it’s not about trying to make those on the outside listen to us; it’s preferable if it resonates with them naturally. That’s the ideal, and I believe we need to achieve that. We strike hard at our core fans, but just throwing it out to everyone else would be strange (laughs). We don't want our stance to have a gradient based on the audience. We always want to be either black or white.

Interviewer: In the song commentary included in this book, you mentioned that the title track "DOGMA" felt like "opening a heavy and large door." When I heard that, I thought you must have felt that at some point, you had to reach out to that door. In other words, you thought you had to make an album like this eventually, right?

Kai: I think we were waiting for the right timing ourselves. Now that we’ve made it, I feel that way. It’s a kind of return to our roots. We’re not going back to the starting point, but we approached something we always wanted to create with full readiness. As a result, a heavy door that we couldn’t open no matter how hard we pushed before has now opened. Maybe it’s because we’ve gained strength, or maybe it was just the right time to make this.

Interviewer: It was probably a bit of both. And after opening that door, the current the GazettE isn’t necessarily trying to head to a completely different place than before.

Kai: Not at all. It’s more about making the dark parts even darker, so to speak. It’s about eliminating ambiguous parts and striving for something more definitive as the GazettE, while still being the GazettE.

Interviewer: Of course, that’s what you aimed for this time as well. But I think there must have been a lot of pressure to create a truly definitive piece that surpasses your previous ideals.

Kai: Yes... there was. Honestly, it was quite a long period of struggle. We worked on it while thinking about various things since the time of the "redefinition" tour. This was the first time for our band to continuously work toward something over such a long period. Well, I’m confident that the result is something good. We’ve definitely made a piece that we can proudly say, "This is the GazettE!" I believe this will be a great strength for us moving forward. Even in the stage of selecting songs, we had quite a bit of inner conflict. For instance, thinking, "In this flow, it would be nice to have at least one melodic song here." According to our previous standards or way of thinking, we would tend to include something like that, but we deliberately didn’t, deciding instead to push more on the aggressive side. This approach was something we originally had within us, but we had never gone this far in that direction before, so in that sense, it was also a challenge. We’ve never made something with this kind of balance. This is both a challenge and a way to firmly showcase our strengths.

Interviewer: The term "perfect balance" is often used in everyday life, but in the end, it’s just a balance that suits the preferences of the receiver. The way balance is sought depends on the nature of the work itself.

Kai: That’s right. So, to put it bluntly, this might not be a well-balanced album. If you consider it from the ideal of a certain period of ourselves. But the album "DOGMA" couldn’t have been balanced in any other way... it had to be like this.

Interviewer: In other words, it wouldn’t have been "DOGMA" if it wasn’t for this kind of balance?

Kai: Exactly. Also, we don’t create albums by comparing them to our past works. We don’t think, "We made this kind of album before, so let’s try making this kind now." As I mentioned earlier, there were times when we felt the need to add a melodic song after a series of intense tracks, thinking it might be necessary. That’s due to past habits or ingrained sense of balance. But this time, we completely ignored that. We focused most on making "DOGMA" as "DOGMA" as possible.

Interviewer: And as a result, you’ve completed an album that truly fits its title.

Kai: Yes. Even I feel that we really pushed the limits. But we’ve truly created something that lives up to the title, and I’m glad we had the word “dogma” from the beginning.

Interviewer: Of course, there may be parts within this work that you might want to revise in the future. But a “canon” isn’t something that can be repeatedly revised, and it’s meant to last forever in its current form.

Kai: Yes, I think so too. That’s why I’m really satisfied right now. For fans, this album is "an album they’ve been waiting for for two years." We’re confident that it’s something that won’t betray their high expectations, something that even surpasses them. Moreover, as I mentioned at the beginning, it’s an album with plenty of room for further exploration on our part. That’s why releasing a work doesn’t mean it’s complete.

Interviewer: Ofcourse. This flow of time will continue for quite a while.

Kai: The full scope will become clear moving forward, but this "ominous year" will involve various developments with "DOGMA" at its core. So, just like everyone will be breaking down "DOGMA," we’ll also spend a long time digesting this album and communicating about it. "DOGMA" is an album that reflects our essence more than anything, and I believe that part will remain unshaken. Of course, our music will continue to evolve, but no matter how much its form changes, the essence won’t change, and we won’t lose this part. If at some point, we decide that we need to change fundamentally, then we’ll have to present a new "doctrine" again.

Interviewer: But surely, if that ever happens, it will be far in the future.

Kai: Yes. Right now, the most important thing is to keep this mindset we have, continue creating works with the same passion and energy, and give our all. Otherwise, there is no future for the GazettE. We don’t want to release anything half-baked.

...

.......

...

Part 1 of the Dogma Book translations (members comments about each song)

Once again, all the scans are from the archive (rad-is-more) All translations are ChatGPT, edited by me. I added the book text pages themselves because I often read interviews and want to look more deeply into a certain passage but people never provide the source of the translation so it's impossible to do. This might not be the most aesthetic way to do an interview post but it's the most convenient for me personally. Also, I've noticed all the pieces like photos, art and interviews are very scattered on this site. Fragmentation only leads to misunderstanding and I am trying to piece everything together as much as possible, even though it leads to very long posts.

[marmarparadoxa]

I always read opinions about hanji post time skip and ch 132 they say her decision to sacrifice herself was the decision of a suicidal person because of how inadequate she felt as a commander and unable to live up to erwin’s legacy or things like yams ruined Hanji’s character and was treated by him as unimportant character useless weak or gave up easily and was just there until armin grow up to be commander. As a hanji fan I feel so disappointed in hanji's treatment. What do you think?

Hi! I’m sorry to hear you feel like that as an Hange fan, and I’m aware that you’re not the only one who sees it that way. However, I felt very disoriented at first, when I started reading these opinions, because my experience about Hange’s character in reading the manga was very different from yours. Although I also have my complaints, I actually think that Hange had their time to shine in the last arcs, and moments and scenes and speeches for which I think I came to understand them better, and loved them and all the more felt proud of them, so I can’t say I feel disappointed by their treatment.

For one thing, I don’t think their decision to sacrifice themselves was the decision of a suicidal person. Hange never manifested any sort of suicidal ideation to begin with (as for instance, obviously Reiner did, and somewhat Armin - when he said, in reference to the serum bowl, that it wasn’t him, the one whom they should have revived), and overall, they never gave me the impression of someone willing to throw their life away. It’s true that they didn’t feel worthy of Erwin’s legacy, and blamed themselves for not having been able to show Eren alternative solutions. You can see, in certain moments, how much these thoughts made them doubt their value as commander. However, Hange was not the type of person who would let themselves be led astray by these thoughts, nor shy away from their responsibilities, to cry over themselves - and back to chapter 71, we can see what was their opinion of people who’d do that, in their reaction at Keith Shadis’ story.

Shadis shirked from his role as commander, because he wasn’t “special”, because he didn’t feel equal to his role. In learning that, Hange, for once, was not very sympathetic, but reacted very harshly, and labeled Shadis’ motivations as “childish reasons” and “inferiority complex”. And I think it was not only because they used to admire and have a crush for him once that they felt so outraged at that point, but mostly because of the kind of person Hange had always been. They were an incredibly strong-willed, resilient and self-denying person, who fiercely believed in the ideal they decided to dedicate their life to, and thus felt offended in learning about Shadis’ petty self-concern. And this is how Hange concluded their tirade against the poor Shadis that day: “Isn’t that what it means to cast away your own life and dedicate your heart to the greater good?”. And this leads to a further important point.

Being suicidal, or more or less actively seeking your own death for the sake of your own death, is a different thing from being prepared to altruistically give up on your own life, for the better good. And in view of the above, I’m convinced that Hange’s sacrifice falls under the second sort. In their very last moment, Hange was not thinking about their own misfortunes, but was still looking for the plan to take off, because they wanted to make sure that they could save their friends, and with them, the last chance for salvation for humanity.

So I didn’t like the briskness of the chapter, and I had a hard time suspending my disbelief at Floch having survived Gabi’s shot, and throughout the whole trip of the ship. That was not good-writing, and obviously Isayama wanted to kill off Hange, for whatever reason. But their readiness to take up their responsibilities, and sacrificing their life, was nonetheless consistent with the kind of person Hange has always been. When I think about their sacrifice, their speech to pastor Nick, on top of the walls, in chapter 34 always comes to my mind: “Do you know what exactly we in the Survey Corps have spilled our blood for? To take back the freedom the titans stole from us. For that cause...our lives were a small price to pay.” The Survey Corps required its members to devote their lives, their flesh, their hearts to its cause, and Hange was aware of that.

And when it comes down to it, what exactly could have Hange done to avoid their sacrifice? They couldn’t send any precious titan shifters (to Reiner’s chagrin) and of course they wouldn’t have sent any of the remaining kids (Mikasa, Jean or Connie), to go sacrifice themselves, instead of taking responsibility for their decisions. Levi, at that time, could barely stand up straight. So it had to be them.

I think that Hange was even more courageous, and their sacrifice was all the more admirable (and more painful for me) if you consider that Hange, though willing to take their responsibilities, and committed to their purpose, didn’t actually want to die. Their leaving the kids was so swift, rushed, and they didn’t show how scared they were. But it became manifest when they were asking Levi to let them go, and when he put his fist above their heart, and told them to dedicate their heart, their lips curved downward, and then they laughed it off, and flew away. They downplayed their feelings and rushed, so to be able to leave Levi and the kids - the people they loved - behind. Death, for them, didn’t come as a release from sufference or a crushing burden, but they accepted and went toward it nonetheless.

Then, if we want to address Hange’s character general treatment post time-skip, I think it’d be better to first briefly observe what was Isayama’s general treatment of all Paradis characters, post time-skip. My general impression is that, having come into play all those new different characters from Marley, which asked for narrative space and development, and the plot which had to keep going on, somehow there wasn’t space and time to a proper treatment of the old cast, so that its members, more or less, became rather static and passive.

However, I didn’t perceive Hange’s character as being “unimportant, useless, weak, or giving up easily, who was just there until Armin grew up to be commander”, as you said. In those four years, Hange had a most important role - they were the one who directed their first encounters with Marleyans ships, and talked to their members, and initiated their alliance. Among all Paradis’ political figures, together with Pixis Hange was the one who most took part in negotiations and diplomacy, and worked hard to give Paradis a future. They were shown happily getting excited over Marleyans’ inventions, overcoming  Marleyans’ hostilities. And then there’s that beautiful scene, when they restored hope for the kids, proposing the trip to Marley, and then expressing the Survey Corps’ ideal.  Later on, when Eren betrayed them in Liberio, when in the dungeon he threatened them, and then when the Jeagerists organized and Floch sequestered them, of course Hange felt let down, disheartened, and powerless, and doubted their value. However, given the circumstances, I wonder how these reactions would spoil Hange’s character, where in fact they are most understandable, and human. It made me sad to see Hange suffer that way (the scene where they were shooting at those SC soldiers and crying, and then seeing how Sannes’ words were still haunting them was painful to see), but it was also interesting to see more of their vulnerable side. And so, it was even more remarkable to see what they were able to do, despite the seemingly hopeless conditions, after Eren initiated the Rumbling - Hange didn’t give up easily at all. It was them who gathered the Alliance. They spoke with Magath, and Pieck, and thus persuaded previous enemies to join forces. Then they went and found Mikasa and Jean, and asked them to help them. And, in the morally wavering atmosphere after the start of the Rumbling, the scene of “I’m not accepting genocide!! You’re not getting me to agree with any reason to support this!!”, and their following speech was so powerful, meaningful, and important.

In conclusion, Hange kept on being Hange till the end, I think - they were still the playful, optimist crazy titan scientist (I mean, they asked Pieck’s Cart titan if she ever brushed her teeth in her titan form XD), and, in the bleakest moment, they didn’t lose hope (“It might not work out today...but maybe someday”), they were still keeping on looking to the future.

And I want to add one more thing, in regards to the “afterlife” scene. I imagine that a lot of people (myself included) felt let down when Isayama stated that it was only a “revolving lantern”. But now I think that it doesn’t really matter whether that's just something Hange’s mind created, or an actual afterlife plane. It was an unexpected act of kindness from Isayama, which completed Hange’s arc in a somehow uplifting note. Hange got reunited with their friends, and saw the plane, flying above them (so they knew their sacrifice was not in vain). And then Erwin told them “You did well”. That’s the message Isayama wanted to give us about Hange, and, if nothing else, I feel grateful for that.

[tundrainafrica]

that moment when you realize levi's last memory of hanji was her laughing - her last laugh. oh and levi would never have a body to bury. Also, I was wondering if you have done an analysis of the solute that levi did - you know keeping his hand over her heart. I personally headcannon that levi meant hanji to give her heart to him, to be his and that's why he kept his fist over her heart. (sorry if it sounds cheesy lmao)

OKAY SO WE’RE ON THE TOPIC OF CH. 132 AGAIN. So imma assume you guys really wanna hurt yourselves more so allow me to drop this really amazing animation of 132 which really captures Hange and Levi’s facial expressions well along with a lot of symbolisms about Hange so please, even if you’re not gonna read the whole meta I have down under. Please watch it. You won’t regret it. It’s beautiful. Here’s the link (The lyrics are good too, so I’d recommend you check the English translation out, the second verse all the way to the chorus, it really fits.)

that moment when you realize levi's last memory of hanji was her laughing - her last laugh. oh and levi would never have a body to bury. 

How are you so sure that Hange’s last memory was her smiling and laughing?

I actually like to entertain the possibility that Hange and Levi made an extremely conscious effort to avoid looking at each other, especially in the eyes. Why is that?

Maybe, the scene in 126 was that much of a profound scene relationship wise that they couldn’t look at each other after that? But I can’t help but think the Levi and Hange’s dynamics were particularly distant in 132? Especially if you compare it to just a few chapters ago where Hange couldn’t even leave him right? Like she was always next to him on his sleeping bag. 

That’s why I really hc-ed that maybe when she was changing his bandages, particularly removing the ones covering his mouth, they had a conversation. And I wrote out my take on it in this fic.

There are just way too many panels about them talking about so many deep things and in all of them they’re looking away from each other.

You can say, towards the last panels, of course he’s not looking at her, he knows she’s going to sacrifice herself, why put her to the pain?

And even the dedicate your heart scene right? He wasn’t looking at her. 

So the point is, do you really think his last memory of her was her smile? 

And was it really her laugh? Personally, when I see people smile, I don’t look at their mouths, I look at their eyes. I’m an eyes person. I think eyes talk more than someone’s mouth. 

And Hange wasn’t smiling at all, look at those eyes.

And do we really count a ‘haha’ as a laugh :’). Do you think Levi... who has seen Hange laugh so many times before, and had seen that same wonder in her eyes before and how she constantly smiles with both her eyes and her mouth, do you think Levi would have counted that as a laugh?

Anyway, I like to headcanon the last clear vivid memory Levi had of her was when she was changing his bandages back in the ship. They were avoiding each othe rtoo much, Levi was really avoiding looking at her this whole chapter and I really suspect there was a deleted scene, a conversation in the ship which changed their whole dynamic in that chapter before Hange chose to sacrifice herself. 

Anyway, moving on to the next question:  

Also, I was wondering if you have done an analysis of the salute that levi did - you know keeping his hand over her heart. I personally headcannon that levi meant hanji to give her heart to him, to be his and that's why he kept his fist over her heart. (sorry if it sounds cheesy lmao)

Omg, that is such a cute headcanon I didn’t think about. Thank you for sharing that <3 I’ll add that to my own personal list of headcanons that I’ll be sharing below. 

Before I move on to sharing it, I just have to say: 

I love the original Japanese translation.

For most western languages, you have to mention the “your” in Dedicate your heart because it just doesn’t flow well to say “dedicate heart” nor would it be consistent with Erwin’s iconic statement being constantly translated to “Dedicate your heart” suddenly being translated to “Dedicate heart” which is wrong grammar anyway. 

With 心臓を捧げよう, we only know there is an unspecified number of hearts which are to be dedicated. 

So Levi’s message could be translated to either “Dedicate your heart.” or even “Let’s dedicate our hearts”

So as a Levihan shipper I could headcanon this in so many ways. 

1. I’ll drop the vanilla one first.  “Dedicate your heart” okay Hange while sacrificing yourself, make sure to dedicate your heart okay, fight to your heart’s content, which is the most conventional interpretation. 

2. The next one is: Let’s dedicate our hearts. This could mean that he feels the war is reaching it’s climax and if she’s ready to die, Levi is willing to join her soon and he will dedicate his heart the same way. Since Japanese tenses in relation to time aren’t specified and future tense doesn’t exist in Japanese, it makes it vague enough to even foreshadow Levi’s own intentions to really dedicate his heart like his own comrades did. And the fact that Levi said see you later Hange? That only supports this headcanon. 

3. Another head canon I have is Levi figuratively left his heart with her with that salute and in that moment, maybe he was talking to himself when he decided to dedicate his heart to her. With that dedication and with Hange’s impending sacrifice, Levi showed his readiness to lose his heart and have it die with her. 

4. This is actually an analysis I read a while back from a Japanese website I’ll leave the link below and it’s definitely one of my favorites for this scene. 

So to summarize the analysis, the Japanese fans see it as a symbolism of unity for Hange and Levi. 

Remember Hange was betrayed by the Jaegerists a few chapters back probably less than a few days ago manga time. Hange is one of the few people who have this idea that what Eren is doing is wrong, the violence, the rumbling. And with Zeke, Flock and Yelena all explicitly disagreeing with her, she was living with this idea that she was doing things wrong especially since only recently a majority of the survey corps actually betrayed her. Yet Hange still continued to hold on to her idea that their ideas are all wrong, there must be a more peaceful way to end all this. Also, remember even do Hange had such an idealistic way on how she wanted it to end, no one explicitly agreed with her. 

Thus, she was lonely. And with that ‘dedicate your heart’ scene, Levi recognizes that loneliness and by saying “let’s dedicate our hearts” he’s telling her he is dedicating his heart to that same cause she is fighting for. And even if no one agrees with it, he agrees with her cause. 

He’s empathizing with it, he’s affirming it and he’s telling her what she’s fighting for isn’t wrong and he wants to clear her of any doubts in her final moments so she can fight till her hearts content. 

And I think that’s beautiful. I got the analysis  here.  

The “dedicate your heart” could mean one of all the things above but it can also mean all the things above at once. I like to hurt myself by thinking, Hange and Levi talk more with gestures than words and maybe Levi meant to say everything up there. 

And maybe with this face Hange gave we can see... 

She might have gotten all five messages before she sacrificed herself. 

Anyway, thanks for reading!

[painted-crow]

hi there :) I've been struggling between bird and snake primary, and occasionally, also lion and badger (but I've been constantly trying to remind myself why I'm NOT a badger primary, at least it isn't my.. main primary. I'm way too selfish and unconcerned about the opinions of larger groups to be one, unless it's my family and it hurts them too much or something in a way that I can agree and accept). and as a person who.. might only have ever identified, confidently, as a hat stall before(pt 1)

Hello anon! You've sent in a very detailed ask so I'll offer up reactions as I'm reading this one, and then summarize/think it over more at the end. ^^

I'm way too selfish and unconcerned about the opinions of larger groups to be [a Badger primary], unless it's my family

This is your second sentence and you've already called yourself selfish :c immediate impression is that you might have picked up a toxic Badger model--maybe from your family, since you do care what they think? But that's a shot in the dark. Let's keep going.

and as a person who.. might only have ever identified, confidently, as a hat stall before discovering SHC, I have a feeling that it isn't gonna be easy for me to figure it out alone.

Fortunately, SHC is pretty tangential to the canon houses.

now, all this might sound very bird, but that's because I've recently been heavily considering bird primary instead of snake primary.

No, what sounds Bird is that you consider your identity this malleable. If reframing your beliefs about yourself affects your behavior so much that you're worried it'll bias my perceptions of you toward Bird... that, itself, is an incredibly Birdy thing to worry about.

Bird primaries identify hard with our systems, and not-insubstantial parts of our systems can just... change, including our self-perception. Having your identity be this flexible isn't very common. The other primaries tend to be more rooted in themselves or their people.

Of course, it's possible you just have a very strong model or something. But you're already arguing with yourself (or rather, arguing with an imaginary version of me), which is very Socratic and very much a Bird writing/thinking style. It's loud.

I started off getting snake or lion primary in the SHC quiz at first, and I was like, yeah. I'm pretty stubborn, and I like things going my way. I can be selfish and self-interested, and put myself first.

Do you see selfishness as a negative attribute? Because if so, this is a lot of negative self-talk, and there's more in the next few sentences. You call yourself hedonistic for your priorities, which you list out--

thing is, I put myself, my wants and needs AND my goals AND my people first.

--and that's a pretty broad range of priorities, without even getting into the specifics of what your goals actually are. What priorities would you consider not hedonistic?? Are you under the impression that you have to dedicate your life to world peace in order to feel justified in pursuing your goals?

2 points to toxic Badger model, is all I'm saying.

I don't mind sacrificing myself for my best friends, sometimes friends if they have best friend potential or [insert other reason], S/O, for the reason that I like them a lot, and family because I love them and/or because I believe I owe them things (idk if it's just.. a belief to put my family first that I adopted from my mom or something, though, but I believe in working hard and providing for them anyway long before that since.. they did that for me man).

And yet you call yourself selfish. Whoof.

"Sacrificing" is an interesting word to use here. Can't tell if this is Snake yet, or if it's the toxic Badger model, and yeah... I think my hunch about you picking that up from your folks might've been on point.

You know how burned Badgers can end up looking like Snakes?

...You know one of your Houses can be both burned and exploded at the same time?

.....You know this applies to models too?

........You know how I said Birds identify a lot with their systems???

Look, I'm not judging--I am, unfortunately, the right person to ask about this, because I've done something pretty darn similar ^^;

Like I said, too early to tell if you have a genuine Snake model or if this is the burned/exploded Badger you've either modeled or woven into your system. If it's Snake, it's not very healthy Snake.

One thing though; the speed at which you're willing to accept new people as someone you might "owe" (including people with "best friend potential") seems more like a Badger impulse than Snake. Snakes usually take a while choosing their people.

I've.. been through putting an S/O before me for a long period of time, and tbh I didn't think they were a burden though they kept thinking they were, helping your closest ones is.. a given. relationships.. are the reward, to me.

You have some Loyalist to you, either baked into a Bird system or as a primary/model, but it seems very tired and sad.

it was only then I think I realised how much they affected me, how horrible and negative it was, and how I needed to take care of myself.. however, only until RECENTLY have I started to change in my perspective that I probably need to put myself first, instead of finding someone Right to put before me.

Anyone can change their mind, of course, but this sounds specifically like a Birdpri system change. You're talking about a specific piece of your worldview that you decided to change after processing new data.

and that's.. hard to swallow, and Idek if I will even care about this thought for long, if I'll integrate it into my life or find it too hard to do or if it resonates with me enough for it to stay. blergh sorry about that.

You don't sound happy. You don't sound like a happy Bird; you don't trust yourself to stick to your new system. You don't sound like a happy Snake either. You definitely aren't a happy Badger.

It's worth pointing out, your melancholy ambivalence here is about "will I stick to my new ideal? I don't like giving up the old one :(" and not "shit, is a healthy connection with other individuals not possible???" which is what a stressed out Snake would focus on.

You've been talking about Lion, but this doesn't quite read as Lion. This reads as tired Bird. I can't entirely verbalize why yet.

I also get lion primary as my SHC test result, and I think it's because I choose things that resonate with my gut/heart a lot of the time, whether or not it was practical (I wanted to be a vet because the thought made me feel Good, and I didn't even consider how I'm fearful of seeing blood until my mom pointed it out,, I REALLY wanted to be a counselour/therapist because studying mental illnesses interested me a lot and I guess it looks good (it might make me look smart and all that) until my family members were against it and thought I wouldn't be able to deal with it) because I FELT like it in the moment. I can change later if it doesn't fit, but at the time, I'm just like, it fits. shh. and because I haven't found a career option that I LOVE (with my heart not my head) that my family is agreeable to, it makes me kinda.. sad as heck, lol.

I think you're a Lion secondary, actually, not primary.

Which makes it... doubly not great that your folks don't seem to support or accept you all that much, even though you really care about pleasing them. I wouldn't be surprised if your Lion sec is damaged, which would make it harder to tell that it's a secondary and not your primary.

(I hope it's not rude to say... sometimes when people fall into toxic relationships, it's partly because their family wasn't exactly a great model for what healthy relationships look like.)

No wonder you're having trouble figuring out your Sorting. You haven't been allowed to exist as yourself for... who knows how long.

but I feel like, one day, I'll just make my own decisions anyway (even if it's.. years down the road) and no one can stop me.

I sure hope so! Good luck 🍀

however, I feel like my morals and values are usually or sometimes built.. over time

Bird!

but I also speculate about things before believing in them strongly anyways

BIRD.

if you tell me something that might affect my worldview, as long as it doesn't touch my "treestalk" of like "does this hurt someone", I might consider it.

BIRRRRRRRRD.

With a hell of a toxic burned/exploded Badger model, and probably a (partly burned?) Lion secondary too.

From your ask it sounds like you're around/approaching college age and are going/planning to go. Colleges in the US (probably elsewhere too?) basically always have free therapy through the student health center. This is a good resource for when you need to pick apart stuff your family taught you, because your family's ideals are always going to seem like they're the normal default thing to you even if they're kinda fucked up (sorry).

You don't have to let go of your Loyalist streak entirely, but if you can swap it for a healthier version and maybe surround yourself with nicer people (want a link to the SHC Discord?), you'll be a lot happier. Your family aren't the only people whose opinions will ever matter to you, and you deserve supportive friends who will care for you as much as you care for them, without asking you to burn yourself out in the name of selflessness or self-sacrifice.

Quit being so mean to yourself. You seem like a genuinely kind person but it sounds like you have a super negative self image. Living your life isn't selfish, caring about things you care about isn't hedonistic, and your interests are worth pursuing even if you end up changing your mind later. (Just get the psych degree. Or General Studies, if your school has it. The right degree is the one you can finish--a lot of jobs will be more open to you just for having a degree, any degree. Yes, it's a classist system, but that's a separate rant.)

no judgement, only internet hugs! You're not the first one to deal with any of this, and it's possible to get through ^^

good luck, we're rooting for you!

-- Paint

[sammysdewysensitiveeyes]

Marauders #22

I absolutely hated this issue, so be warned that’s a lot of salt here, and my usual whining, so skip this post if you’re not in the mood for that.  Also spoilers below.

First impression - what absolute, self-indulgent horseshit.  I hesitate to use “fanfic” in a derogatory way, but a lot of Marauders has read as being very “fanfic” in terms of self-indulgence, and greatly favoring certain characters while denigrating others.  I actually don’t think that’s a bad thing in fanfic.  It can be annoying to read if that’s not what you’re looking for (or it can be wonderful, if it IS what you’re looking for), but ultimately, fanfic is all about self-indulgence.  It’s about writing what you want to see in a story, and if Duggan’s Marauders was someone’s actual fanfic, I wouldn’t have anything bad to say about it.  I might dislike the characterization, and probably wouldn’t read it, but it ultimately wouldn’t matter because it’s fanfic.  Frankly, I’m just as bad about constantly centering everything around Pyro (and finding ways to work him into stories where he doesn’t even belong), because I’m writing just for myself, so I can be self-indulgent.  But I’d expect much better from a professional writer.  I’d expect much better from someone being paid to write a team book.  I’d expect a god-damn balanced book that actually pays attention to the whole cast and gives a thoughtful interpretation to ALL the characters, even the villains, rather than a book dedicated to shining a spotlight on two already well-established characters, and treating them like queens who step all over the rest of the cast. 

So, we ignore almost everything set up at the Gala, including the attack on Christian and the Marauder (the ship) being set ablaze.  Why aren’t the characters handling that, Duggan?  Is that really being saved for another month?  We don’t even know if Christian is dead or not, you can’t even spare a panel for Iceman reacting to this?  Instead, we tell a flashback story that eventually reveals that Lourdes Chantel is still alive, and Emma helped her fake her own death to escape from an abusive Sebastian.

What exactly is the point of this story, in terms of the overall Marauders arc?  Will Lourdes show up later to play a role?  Is this meant to further push Sebastian along some kind of path to redemption (recognizing that he drove Lourdes away with his actions).  Because so far, Duggan doesn’t seem the slightest bit interested in rehabilitating Sebastian.  This seems like yet another story establishing Emma GOOD, Sebastian BAD, the same message that’s been getting pounded into the readers’ heads for 22 issues.  Like, we KNOW, Duggan.  We know that you think the sun shines out of Emma’s ass, you’ve already well-established that you think she’s a brilliant, wonderful, compassionate, badass queen, through 22 issues of centering the entire series around her, at the expense of EVERY other fucking character in the book (even sometimes Kate, the other obvious favorite).  It’s gotten beyond tiresome at this point.  Like, I feel like even people who love Emma and hate Sebastian are getting bored by now, because it’s not even good storytelling to have a strawman villain who is no real threat just getting repeatedly knocked down.

So, Duggan has taken both Sebastian and Emma, and further removed any kind of complexity or nuance from them.  Sebastian can’t have a kind or tender side, he can’t ever be shown in a positive light.  His relationship was Lourdes was previously part of his tragic origins, pushing him to be a worse person than he’d been in a past, but no, lets retcon him to be a controlling abuser, whom Lourdes is desperate to escape.  Because it makes Sebastian look bad and Emma look good.  Honestly, it would have been more interesting and powerful to have Lourdes come back from the dead, and be disgusted by the person Sebastian has become.  That would actually have an impact.

And by the way, why did Lourdes need Emma’s help in establishing her new identity?  She was already part of the Hellfire Club, she’s the one who brought Sebastian in, she’s rich as fuck.  Lourdes should be well capable of getting away from Sebastian on her own.  She might need Emma’s help for faking her own death, but the rest of it?  Emma should just do a little hacking to access Lourdes’ personal fortune and transfer it into a new account, and then she’s good to go.  But no, Lourdes has to be treated like a little lost lamb, a helpless battered woman for Emma to rescue.  And Emma’s deal with the Kingpin further exonerates Emma for her past crimes, because obviously, she’s just working off the debt she incurred helping poor, innocent Lourdes!  It can’t be that Emma did bad things in the past because she was ambitious, cruel, vain, and power-hungry, she has to be a woke queen who was always there to help other women.

I think Duggan thinks he’s being feminist with all this, with the “women help each other,” message, and either ignoring or villifying all the male characters.  But he’s not.  It’s not feminist to take a very complex, interesting, powerful woman like Emma Frost and completely remove all responsibility and agency for her past crimes by turning her into an abuse victim and repeatedly retconning her to be better than she actually was.  (To be fair, Duggan is just continuing a trend already started by other writers).  Emma is ambitious, power-hungry, cruel, callous, self-absorbed, vain and snobby.  But she is also brave, intelligent, compassionate, kind, protective, heroic, and self-sacrificing.  All of those things are part of Emma.  She is a teacher who loved her students, and the love for those students is part of what sent Emma on her long, difficult path towards redemption.  Yes, she’s a badass queen, but she is also a flawed individual, who has worked to overcome those flaws and become a better person.  And constantly re-writing the past to make her an “always good” abuse victim who only ever committed crimes because the big bad men forced her into it cheapens that redemption.

Speaking of cheap redemption -     

The Wilhelmina subplot: Wow, Duggan really will prioritize ANY character over Bishop, Iceman and Pyro, won’t he?  I know this is me throwing a tantrum, because “Wah, Duggan is writing someone other than my favorites!” but after 22 issues I feel justified in this whining.  Iceman, Bishop and Pyro are supposed to be regular cast members, and so far Duggan has given more serious development and emotional scenes to Callisto, Forge, Dolores (the human contact at the X-Desk), Masque, Jumbo Carnation, Magneto, the Cuckoos, and now Wilhelmina.  I don’t mind the development for many of those characters, I like Callisto and Forge and Jumbo (although I’m a little annoyed at the Magneto stuff, since he’s already front and center in the Krakoa era, and about to star in a mini-series, does he really need more time in the spotlight?).  But honestly?  Fuck Wilhelmina.  I was never that interested in the Hellfire brats, and I’m not the slightest bit interested in watching the retcon redemption of a character that murders animals for fun.  Why does she get a spotlight story while the three dudes on the team STILL haven’t gotten anything more than vague background hints of character arcs.  I mean, compare the very emotional flashback and Wilhelmina’s breakdown to the half-assed, mostly taking place off- panel “redemption” that Duggan has given Pyro.  Just a single line of “maybe this crew is bringing out the best in me,” with no lead-up, no further reflection, no hints about Pyro changing his ideas before then.  Why did you even put Iceman, Bishop and Pyro on the team if you’re not going to use them, Duggan?  Because you’ve made it quite clear that you’d rather write ANY character other than them.  I can’t even look forward to Tempo and Banshee joining the cast next issue, even though I like them (and I really want to see more development of Tempo), because I know they will be yet more characters that get pushed into the foreground, while Iceman, Bishop and Pyro remain the underdeveloped background clown trio.    

Also, it seems kind of offensive to have a cruel, murderous female character, and then say that her cruelty is entirely due to sexual abuse?  What kind of message does that send to sexual abuse victims?  That it will turn you into a monster?  Why do female villains keep getting sexual abuse as part of their backstory?  Why can’t they just be bad?  Or have something else going on?  So the Cuckoos flip a switch in Wilhelmina and she’s magically “fixed,” or at least on her way to better?  Again, I think Duggan thinks he’s being feminist with this, but he’s not. 

At least Wllhelmina has been a recurring villain in this series, so I can kinda see how her potential redemption may move the plot along, but Duggan is still introducing new plot threads, while leaving so many others dangling.  What about Christian?  What about Shinobi and Fenris?  Will Bobby and Christian ever even speak to each other again?  Will the supposed main cast members of Iceman, Bishop and Pyro ever, EVER get a proper character arc?

Or will we get an entire issue of Emma, Kate and the Cuckoos giving Wilhelmina a redemptive make-over, because girl power, amiright?

[echo-three-one]

Chapter 44

The Road so Far

Lay your weary head to rest

Don't you cry no more...

The TWO of us, together

Alex

Hotel Lustig, Prague, Czech Republic

"Thank you, Kid." Alex saw Jack's mouth move as their eyes met. His eyes which were once filled with determination and optimism were now screaming for help and desperation. He felt like Jack didn't have any other choice. He had to do what needed to be done.

"Nooo!" Alex forced himself to get up as his possible last words weren't the ones he wanted to hear. Not here. Not now. He wanted to see him carrying a possible child. He wanted to still be a part of his life.

Alex had been assigned under Jack's supervision since he was moved to the CIA. It was Jack's optimism and dedication to responsibility that made him who he was today. He was a great mentor and Alex almost considered him as a father figure.

Even in the most inhumane situations, Alex had thrived to succeed in his missions and he owes it all to Jack. The man was a treasure trove of skills and knowledge and Alex was one of the lucky few whom he had imparted it with. He remembered how Jack saved them both in Brazil, buying them more time evading capture.

But there was one thing that Jack would have regretted before going. It was to meet his son. He'd probably be 20 by now but he was afraid to ever show up out of the blue. His divorce with his ex-wife was quite tragic. Because he had to do it just to keep them safe. That's why Jack was always reluctant about him and Samantha. He would never want the same thing to happen to him.

So in the absence of a son, he channeled his fatherly attitude towards Alex, and Alex admittedly hated it when he's being called a kid despite his age. But as time went by and they kept on being assigned together, he had grown accustomed to it and it kinda grew on him.

In a split second, Alex remembered all the times they've been together. All the almost impossible missions they finished, all the times they thought they were goners but somehow they escaped it. All those things were soon to become memories to tell the people who will miss him.

A tear fell on Alex's eyes as he forced himself to get up and catch up on the two as they dove down three flights, ignoring the searing pain from the helicopter blast. He grabbed on to the ledge as he saw Jack and Nero, huddled together, followed by a burst of light with a loud booming sound just before they hit the ground.

A black burnmark was the only thing left on the ground as the place was blotched with a mix of debris and blood. Pieces of both of their clothes were everywhere as the smoke from the explosion dissipated.

The war was over, with Nero gone, his troops will surely retreat. But it cost one important person. A soul for a soul.

Alex couldn't feel himself as his whole body froze while looking at the aftermath of the explosion. He was trained to withstand any feeling but this was too much for him. He hadn't realized how loss hurts until he was able to see for it himself. It was devastating.

"Didn't realize it'd end this way." Price said.

"We were too caught up with Nero, we didn't realize the possibility of him being alive." he added.

"No." Alex finally said, it was hard for him to say as he could feel his heart on his throat.

"His eyes. It looked hopeless. It was the only way…" He said to them, frowning.

"What do you mean?" Roach said, extending an arm on his back for emotional support.

"He's the hopeful type. If he sees a good way out, you could see it in his eyes. What he did was the only choice he could think of." Alex sighed as the resistance team started to signal their victory. The city was cleared from Nero.

"He sacrificed his life because he had no other choice." He breathed, standing up and looking at the sky.

"I'll never forget you, Jack. Thanks for everything." he whispered, honoring his mentor and father figure.

The aftermath of Nero wasn't on the news. It was all just a story on how Prague was free from the militia groups that invaded their city as Alex turned it off and closed his eyes.

"How are you holding up?" Samantha plopped down beside him, leaning on his shoulders. Alex inhaled and looked for her hand, wrapping it against his and kissing it.

"Still devastated." He whispered as Samantha turned to him and looked at him straight in the eye.

"Jack wouldn't want to see you like that, you know." Her eyes were watery, but she was trying her best not to cry.

"You too…" he attempted to make her smile but they both ended up hugging each other for emotional support.

"Maybe he'll accept this every once in a while. The man would want to feel missed too." he whispered as they both curled up and let their emotions out.

The next day, it was back to usual at 141 except things were a little bit formal. With everyone in their black funeral attire, they gathered by the small park to honor a hero's sacrifice.

Alex stood by the podium and looked at the notable few people who attended. They were all familiar as Jack was always keen to introduce him to anyone he knows albeit professionally or casually.

"When I met Jack, my first impression of him was a stereotypical angry old man. Some of you may have thought of it like this toward Captain Price, no offense" he said as the crowd laughed a little, looking at the British captain.

"But once you get to know him, he's actually one of the best persons you'll ever meet. Every day felt like a school day. He might not point it out, but every move he made was a lesson in life. The man knew a lot of things that were vital for surviving this world. I once referred to him as a treasure trove of information." Everyone muttered their thoughts and nodded in agreement.

"He taught me how to stay positive even in the most trying times and how every decision is vital. He taught me how to think outside the box and utilize every resource you have, something that I admittedly didn't master but I'm always trying and he kept on telling me that there was no harm in trying. That's when I realized how lucky I was to be with him as my Commanding Officer."

"The man saved me multiple times and I owe him a lot for that. I'm actually blaming myself for his loss but the way he looked at me before he jumped was telling me that I shouldn't blame myself and neither should anyone. He told me once that when he goes, he doesn't want anyone to worry about him, as he'd probably be swimming in the clouds drinking unlimited liquor. And that's what he was looking forward to." Another chuckle from the crowd.

"So, for us who would not accept his death. He would want us to think that wherever he is right now, he's having a blast and we shouldn't be worrying about him." He smiled at the crowd as he stepped out of the podium and went back to the seat beside Samantha, hugging her before they both sat down. The ceremony continued with a few more words from Jack's closest friend.

Later that afternoon, Alex preferred to stay with Jack one last time before going home. He still had a few more moments to relive, and the rest of the squad, including the girls, were more than okay to join him.

"Hey guys. Thanks for waiting for me." Alex muttered as Samantha quickly joined him, locking her arm on his. It looked like everyone was also doing it with their partners.

"You guys should wear suits more often. But I'm not wishing for another funeral, okay?" Maxine said as the group chuckled.

"I used to wear these all the time. I look good at it, right France?" Soap nudged his girlfriend, making France blush uncontrollably.

"Yeah fine. You do." She replied nonchalantly. But everyone knows she's more than smitten.

"Now that this is over, what's next for us?" Roach asked the group, as they collectively shot an 'I don't know' look.

"Well. It's obviously an R and R for us." France said, proudly citing one of 141's rules.

"R and R?" Maxine asked.

"It means Rest and Recreation." Roach was quick to reply.

Alex looked at Samantha with a smile. R and R

sounded perfect.

"I'm actually finishing my psych exam tomorrow." France stated.

"I'll go with her for a check up as well. That nasty fall still bothered me." Soap added, holding on to France's waist and pulling it close to him.

"Well, looks like everyone's got plans." Roach grinned, looking at Maxine, suggesting that they had something for themselves as well.

Next Chapter : Epilogue - ONE's Sacrifice

Notification Squad my Beloved

@enderio @smokeywhalee @samatedeansbroccoli @ricinbach @bumblingbee1 @whimsywispsblog

[wellfine]

Hey so I rambled for like a million words on Sanji’s and Zoro’s and a little bit of Luffy’s characterisation re: living for the sake of other people vs. yourself inspired by @eastdemons recent very good character analysis so I tucked it behind a read-more to spare you all

(WCI spoilers)

realised/remembered that Sanji as a child went seamlessly from being born to exist for the sake of others (his biological family), to wanting desperately to exist for the sake of others but being rejected and treated as though his very existence were a nuisance no matter how hard he tried, to finally finding a sort of unspoken crude acceptance with the Baratie and Zeff which was conditional (in his own mind) on him existing for their sake instead, that he finally had a target to project his rejected desire to be useful onto, to finally have a reason to exist and a tangible benefit he could point to - “if I weren’t here, then the Baratie wouldn’t run as smoothly, cook so nicely, defend itself so strongly”

and sure, tethering himself to that one floating restaurant meant he could never actually go out and achieve his own dreams but he was used to that, he had already accepted from childhood that his life never belonged to him, that he existed for the sake of others and self-sacrifice was naturally a part of that to the point he didn’t even consider it “sacrifice” any more but rather just the natural order of his birth. Like how you know to queue at the supermarket because that’s what your parents taught you. I don’t know if he ever even would’ve registered on a conscious level that that’s how he thought of himself? You could argue that a lot of the Straw Hats (maybe even all of them, in their own way) believe that sacrificing yourself is "natural” to do when your convictions are on the line, like Luffy’s acceptance of his fate at Loguetown, but Sanji’s is different. The Straw Hats might say, “it’s only natural to risk yourself for what you believe in,” but Sanji believes “it’s only natural that I would sacrifice myself for others.” The others all may have a sort of “put your money where your mouth is” attitude towards self-preservation (even Usopp and Nami), but moreso than any others I think Sanji says “no, the rest of you, sit down. None of you get to sacrifice yourselves, that’s foolish. Only I may die for the drama of it all”

So even at age 19 it’s not until Sanji meets the Straw Hats that he even considers the choice of living his life for himself, based on what he wants, and not what others want or need from him. Like obviously he cared about Zeff and the Baratie and he did genuinely want to see it succeed, but it wasn’t his life’s goal. He was trying to make it his life’s goal but you could see the look on his face when he talked about All Blue and traveling for his own sake. And then a bunch of smelly weird pirates crash into their restaurant and confront him with the idea that “hey, you know, your life belongs to you, and you actually have, you know, CHOICES you can make, and it’s okay for you to prioritise your own goals and live your life the way YOU want to”

You could argue that this is a recurring theme with all the Straw Hats - “personal freedom” is probably one of, if not the most prominent theme in One Piece - where most of the crew has felt like they’ve been held back from living the life they want to lead before joining the Straw Hats. Some were held back by external influences (Nami with the Arlong Pirates and Marines, Robin with the Marines again, Brook by Hogback), some by personal obstacles (Usopp’s struggles with his own cowardice, and fear of leaving the comfort of his seemingly safe village for the risk but allure of the sea). There were other members who were held back by a sense of social obligation, too - Chopper to Dr. Kureha and his memories of Hiluluk, Franky to Galley-La in general, the Franky Family, and his memories of Puffing Tom - but those were also slightly different. Chopper, who was still just a kid, all things considered, needed “permission” from his parental figure to leave home, and Franky, conversely, needed to be sure that his adoptive family-figures would be fine on their own. Sanji and Zeff obviously have a father-son relationship but Sanji didn’t need Zeff’s specific permission or approval, nor did he need reassurance that the Baratie would be okay without him - because he already KNEW he had both those things. Zeff is implied to have been trying to get Sanji to leave for a long time. What Sanji really needed was someone to tell him that he would be okay. That he could exist outside of the construct by which he defined his existence (his usefulness to Zeff and the Baratie). That this was a thing he was allowed to do. That God wouldn’t smite him where he stood if he dared to get out of bed in the morning for his own sake, and not someone else’s. And that came from meeting the Straw Hats - all of them, but Zoro a little bit more, and Luffy most of all.

Of course he still struggles with that even after joining the Straw Hats LMAO and the poor dude has a self-sacrificial streak longer than his legs. But now I’m gonna pivot into talking about how Zoro and Sanji contrast against each other in this exact regard

Of all the Straw Hats, Zoro (and I’m still not 100% up to date with the current Wano happenings so maybe we have more insight into why Zoro is the way he is but I still don’t think it could totally disrupt anything I’m about to say) is the person who is least able to identify with where Sanji is coming from but also somehow, the most?? Because Zoro is a paradox of both living fully and wholly for himself in the moment but also being someone who has dedicated his entire life to living out someone else’s dream. Like, yeah, it’s his dream, too, but it’s been made clear throughout the series that the force behind his terrifying drive is his oath to Kuina, not just his own desire to be the strongest swordsman.

But I’m not sure Zoro sees a distinction there? And I’m not sure it’s even relevant to make the distinction in the first place? Kuina has passed away, so Zoro’s own interpretation of what her dream would’ve been, how to fulfil it, and what their promise to each other means is, essentially, his own free will. Often times in fiction when you see a character living in another character’s memory they basically model themselves around what they think the other person would’ve done, but not Zoro. He doesn’t model his fighting style after Kuina’s (quite the opposite). He doesn’t train how he thinks she would’ve trained. He even went ahead and defined the parameters of their “dream” all on his own - defeating Mihawk (is that how Kuina would’ve defined “becoming the strongest swords[wo]man”?). He is, undeniably, living life however it naturally occurs to him and pursuing whatever he wants to pursue.

But Kuina is still also undeniably a fixture in his life. He still wields her sword (fingers crossed for Wano). He still thinks of her and is still driven by the bond and oath they shared when they were younger, and he still considers her father to be his mentor. He would say that he wants to become the strongest swordsman because it is his dream and also because he’s doing it for Kuina, and they would both be independently true.

And so all of this culminates into Zoro not understanding Sanji’s perspective one tiny little bit, lmao. You’d think he would because on the surface they both live for another person’s sake but when you get deeper into it they’re opposites, as is usually the way with those two. Sanji is someone who presents himself as a “lone wolf”, sort of - the strong, cool, independent “Mr. Prince” who is often separated from the other characters, working on his own. But he’s not. He defines his entire existence by his utility to others and the capacity for his sacrifice to them. That’s why he keeps TRYING to sacrifice himself for others even when it’s pretty unnecessary lmao. And Zoro is someone who readily claims to be living his life for the sake of another person, but then doesn’t give a second thought to how that person might have lived their life. He can live his own life while also living FOR someone else. That’s not a contradiction at all in his mind. Zoro has made it no secret that he would leave the Straw Hats if he had to in order to pursue his own dreams and I genuinely still think he would, as loyal as he is to Luffy (which, btw, Luffy would unequivocably support).

And so it’s why Sanji can’t understand why Zoro would fight against Mihawk knowing that he would lose, because in that moment Zoro was living blisteringly for his own sake and nothing else, because throwing yourself into a fight you KNOW you will lose simply because it’s what you WANT is the culmination of “living your own life”. To Sanji, that makes no sense, because Zoro could still live and be useful to others. Sanji completely understands dying to protect others and so thinks dying because of your own resolutions would be a “waste”. And it’s why Sanji left so easily in WCI, and why Zoro couldn’t/can’t understand that, because to Sanji it made sense in what he still believed to be true in his mind - that he ultimately only existed to be useful to others, and that his brief sojourn with the Straw Hats had been fun, but that leaving them would be inevitable, because it was too “selfish” on his part to dare to live life for himself and that the universe would correct itself eventually. He still thought that it was wrong of him to live his own life. He still, on some level, thought that his life belonged to someone else. And at least, like this, he could save the people he actually cared about (the Straw Hats) along the way, making the best of a foregone conclusion, in his mind. I genuinely think even after everything the SHs went through together it wasn’t until he saw Luffy still waiting for him that it finally clicked in Sanji’s mind that he was the sole owner of his own life and that he had a choice in what he dedicated it to.

Speaking of Luffy, I think he 100% lives his own life for himself only, even more than Zoro - he sacrifices himself for others, but only because he wants to because he personally likes those people, not because he thinks it’s the “right” thing to do - but I also think he deeply understands and appreciates Sanji’s mentality in a way that Zoro doesn’t/can’t. I think Luffy learned from Shanks that the way you act/the things you do have a broader impact on the world around you, and so living life “for yourself” is something you have to do mindfully and consciously of how that will affect other people. And I think he learned about the idea of being expected to live for the purpose of others from Sabo and Ace, and the subsequent rejection of that idea. So he fully embraces the notion of living your life for yourself only, but he does so being aware of the implications that has for the other people in your life.

I don’t know if this makes any sense or if it’s still coherent at this point I have written (checks) almost 2000 words about one piece and I’m a litte embarrassed but you know what I'm just gonna hit ‘publish’ without proof reading thanks for coming to my TED Talk i’m sorry if any of these paragraphs just stopped mid-sentence as I hopped to finish off some other sentence

[anotherbeingsworld]

Bounded by the words.

Pairing: Bryce Lahela x F!MC (Casey Valentine)

Summary: A momento from a patient lead to a new hobby for Casey, as it records the moment of their relationship. 

A/N: It was an impulsive reaction, but.. I wanted to post something and this has been in my drafts for months. I actually have submitted this before, and I am posting this again since it is edited much better than before. Today is the 25th and, honestly... it is a hard date for me in a way. So, I am coping it with fics unfortunately, but... I wanted to post it for a while now and I had shown it to @bratzlahela​ before she went on hiatus; and nikka, this is for you and i miss you soo much ! This is a love letter AU which had been in my drafts for months now. I am also dedicating this fic to @mrs-raleighcarrera​ as a thanks for everything,  <3 I have something planned later, I hope I manage to start it but... enjoy. 💜     (I noticed... my love for letters can be shown.. I am so sorry ;;) 

Tags:  @bitchloveskcbaseball​ , @storyofmychoices​ @jaxsmutsuo​ , @mvalentine​ , @princess-geek​ , @lahellacute​ ,  @this-person-is-busy​ , @annekebbphotography​ , @mrsbhandari​ , @dcbbw​ , @choicessa​ , @choices-confessions​ ,@fantasyoverreality98​ , @baltersome​ , @ofpixelsandscribbles​ , @thundergom​  @starrystarrytrouble​,  @kelseaaa​  ,@bratzlahela​ , @choicesficwriterscreations​  , @lalizah​ , @drethanramslay​ , @arcticlumineer​ , @choicesstan1​ , @aveeiro​ , @eleanorbloom​ , @openheartfanfics , @brycesgirl​  , @rookitcarrera​ (if you want to be removed or added, let me know 💜)

MY MASTERLIST

Casey is assigned to take care of 19-year old, Brianna who is diagnosed with a Gastroenteritis. As she walks in the room, Brianna was burying herself into a book. She smiled at the sight, as she tries to remember the last time she gets a chance to read a book herself. The title on the book caught her attention, with the minimalistic cover that certainly calms her eyes. ‘Bounded by The Words.’ The title says.

“Bounded by the words?” Casey said to capture her attention.

Brianna startled, as she drops the book down to her lap. Her eyes widen as she saw Casey there grinning at her.

“You scared me!” Brianna stated as she places her hands over her beating heart whilst Casey walks towards her.

“I’m sorry Bri, you looked like you were drowning in the book. I had to save you somehow.” She winks at her, as a smile appear on Brianna’s face.

“Ha ha ha, very funny doc.”

“So, what is the story about making you drowned in the pages?” Casey asked as she checks on her vitals.

“It’s a story of two lovers..”

“Typical.”

“Hey, I am talking here!”

“Alright, alright my lady.” Casey bows as she lets herself have fun with her.

“As I was saying, it is a story of two lovers who was bounded by a series of letters. They never really got a chance to see each other face-to-face as the man is apart of the world war before. Their communication only relies on letters, handwritten letters that caused their love to grow each day. Unfortunately, neither of them got their happy ending as the man sacrificed himself into the war leaving her a thousand letters behind as a reminder that he will always be there for her…” Brianna wipes a tear as she describe the book.

“Oh wow… that is really sad.” Casey felt her heart break a little from hearing Brianna talk about it.

“Yes, it is. I ended up crying every time I read it and this time is any different.”

“Can I take a look at it?” Casey asks her as she immediately pass the book to her.

“Maybe you should hold onto it, as a momento for taking care of me and keeping me company.” Brianna said with a small smile plastered on her face.

Casey’s eyes widen,

“It’s your favourite book Bri…”

“Don’t worry, I have a few more copies of it at home! You should keep it and maybe try read it at your free time. I know doctors don’t have much time to rest, so consider it as a self-care gift from your favourite patient, which is yours truly to you.” Brianna insists before Casey could return the book in her hands.

“My favourite patient? How did you guess?” Casey asked with amount of sarcasm in her voice causing both of them to break into laughter.

Both of them ended up talking for a little while, exchanging stories, a few hugs and a signature from Brianna aswell. Patients like Brianna, really reminds herself why she wanted to be a doctor in the first place. She loved helping people, saving lives, but she is also interested in knowing the stories of her patients. During her time at Edenbrook, she had met a lot of people with various backgrounds; a surfer, a lawyer who is living this world as she is. She always felt pleasure in knowing her patients, and Brianna is one of those patients that gives her the sign that she loves her job.

After finishing up her shift, Casey makes her way back to Bryce’s apartment as they often have sleepovers with one another. She makes her way to the apartment, where she was met with Keiki who was furiously typing on her (Bryce’s) computer as her brows furrowed in frustration. Casey immediately took off her coat and make her way to the couch, as Keiki perks her head up at her presence.

“What do you got there?” Keiki eyes the book she was holding as she sat down.

“It’s a gift from a patient, I think I am gonna absorb myself in some literary entertainment after those long shifts.” Casey said as she gets herself comfortable on the couch, she starts to read the book. After felt like an hour, she already had surpassed the 100th page.

The door opening pulled her out from the zone, as Bryce finally arrived from the hospital. Casey turn her head to the sound, and smiled as she saw him. Casey stands and give him a kiss on the cheek, guiding him to the couch where Keiki is still on the computer looking more ease than before.

“So, what did you guys do today?” Bryce asked as he placed an arm around Casey pulling her close to him.

“I am trying to finish up this darn assignment, and its just so hard! Why did I take computer science?” Keiki whined as Bryce lets out a small laugh.

“What did you do today Cas?” Bryce turns his gaze to her, as both of their eyes meet.

Casey smiled as she shows the book to Bryce.

“Bounded by the words? It sounds like a cliché rom-com if you ask me.” Bryce said as his eyes are on the book.

“Hey, I am a hopeless romantic and this book managed to play with my heartstrings!” Casey protested as she held the book like her life depends on it.

“Okay, okay…Enlighten me, tell me what is the interesting scenario you have come across in the book?” Bryce challenge her with a wink.

“Their entire love story consists of letters, and they never met yet they still love one another…” Casey felt herself gaze as she placed a dreamy look on her face as Bryce just shook his head.

“Whatever makes you sleep at night Cas.” He says as he placed a kiss to bring her back towards reality.

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Casey suddenly felt herself to be inspired from the book, as she felt her heart hold on to the concept of writing love letters. It is midnight, as Casey felt herself feeling awake. She slowly makes her way out of Bryce’s hold as he was sleeping peacefully. She puts on one of Bryce’s shirts and heads out to the living room. She sat down on the floor, with a box full of stuff contains, coloured paper and a huge amount of pens. She smiles, as she proceeds.

My dearest Anastasia,

The darkened days had now befallen us, the roared of the enemy unmistakable. Where it’d be my last sacrifice in the name of thy country. The time has come for me to filled in my word, as I would let myself be pained from the death that followed me every day. Regrets washed over me, as this letter would be the final reminder, where life with you made it very much better. The warmth of your touch can still be felt, as our farewell was playing in my mind for the longest time, a needed farewell that kept me awake on one of these days, longing to be in your touch again. But, even in the depths of the darkest roads, you will always be in thy heart. Forever, and always.

Love,

Roland.

The one that started it all, the final letter of Roland Rosio to his long last love, Anastasia Luvielle as their love continues to grow even after the death of Rosio during the final battle. The inspiration that started it all.

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Dear Bryce,

It is our first date together despite the hundreds of times we went and spend our nights at Donahue. It is when we are, something. Something beautiful, as one would say it. The 21st night of September, was a date to remember; our first night out as something more. As a kid, I always imagined myself going to the ball with my very own Prince, as we dance the night away.

But, in this case… they were no prince, a dress, a castle, a glass slipper, heck there aren’t any pumpkins involved in the beginning of our story. It was a story of clumsiness, fairy lights and a whole platter of fries. An interesting combination one might say, as it started with grace and ended with a bag of loaded fries from a small vendor.

It was unique, as you told me your jokes as I would find myself getting red, as the sight of your sweet and smiley face. The way we danced around the circle, as the fairy lights were hanging above us, has been a permanent attachment in my mind.

Lights, Fries and Bryce? A perfect combination.

Love,

Casey.

The first of many has been recorded, as she slips it into a box. A small box which is going to be playing a huge role in her life moving forward. Bryce stops himself in his tracks, admiring the smile on her face before moving towards the living room. The memory of their days together, playing in his mind.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Bryce,

I don’t know where to start, I miss you. I miss everything about you and, I don’t know how long I can do this anymore . I always wondered why couples would fight over the littlest things and, I hoped that the fate won’t fall down to us, but…I was wrong. It felt like a downfall, and I regret yelling those words at you. You were never a burden, you were the light and I don’t know how I haven’t met you before. My life had changed with you, and it has change again, and… I miss you. I miss everything about you, your hugs, your silly jokes, the way you’d talk at the movies despite being shush away by the audience, especially you. I miss being able to hug you when I was happy, and…I am going to make this right.

Love, Casey.

The first fight, as there were words left unspoken. One of many that made were stained with her tears, as the sadness took over. Her life was different with Bryce, and she didn’t give up. She tried and tried, and tried and try again until one day, she did it right. Neither did he.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Bryce,

I can’t believe our time has come, we are finally getting married tomorrow! It is a common feeling of excitement to be a bride, and I am very excited for our adventure next. I always felt like you were the one with the huge benefit in doubt in myself, the day we meet in that locker room at Edenbrook. The first time I laid my eyes on you, it felt like I was going to meet a stereotypical male from a rom-com, but… you are different. A good type of different, you have been there for me since the very beginning.

You have seen through it all, and I am very lucky to be apart of your life. You have always been my number one support through the highs and the lows, and I am always going to be grateful for everything we have been through that lead us to this very moment. I am excited for our new beginning, I will see you soon.

Love,

Casey.

The day they become as one, where Casey Valentine and Bryce Lahela finally tied the knot after all these years. A new adventure awaits them, as a whole new life is looking them with a wide-smile. The ceremony was intimate, as all of their close friends and family members were invited. They got married at one of his favourite places, the beach. As they finally got their happily ever after.

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Dear Bryce,

I did it. WE DID IT! After all these years, we did it. I am finally pregnant, after all the negatives. We did it, and you are going to be a dad! I remember those days, you were telling me about teaching our  kid surfing, and silently hoping they will follow your footsteps. Our dreams have been granted, and I am truly ecstatic! The feeling of being a parent had lingered on my mind since early on, and… I am beyond grateful to be on this journey with you.

Baby Lahela is 3 months strong, mommy and daddy can’t wait to see you soon. I can’t wait for all of the new memories we are going to make together. We love you daddy!

Love,

Casey.

After a few years of marriage, and trying… they finally did it. Both of them starting a new adventure with their little bundle of joy, the first adventure with the little Lahela. And, they were very excited for it.

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‘Dad, what is these letters?’ Louis asked in fascination, as he finished reading one of Casey’s letters after all these years.

A smile appeared on his face, remembering the memories from years ago. The day Casey starts to become obsessed over a piece of literature that changed their lives one way or another.

‘Mom loves to write letters, and these is all of hers. She writes it every time we are happy, sad, angry and everything in between. I never understood the purpose of it all, and your mother tends to get emotional over the littlest things and, she still managed to blow me away every time…’ He lets out a sigh, rereading the final letter in the pile. It was written a few days ago.

Dear Bryce,

We have been through it all, am I right? It has been 25 or maybe more years, since our first meeting and I can’t believe it has been that long. We have done an amazing job together, and I am very very proud of what we had achieved all these years. You have been an amazing dad to our little ones, who is not so little anymore. Our little Louis, is our astronomer now, I still remember the first time we were giving him a bath, he was a quiet baby but with a lot of determination and a gold heart, just like his father. Our little girls Kailani and Alexandra, has managed to follow in our footsteps, even though we warned them about the stress and pressure of med school along with warnings from our dear friends, and I can’t believe they did it. They were always so smart, and I can’t say how proud of I am of our little angels. Bryce, you have been my rock, my best friend, my lover, my partner and… I will always cherish you in my heart. You are the first person who never gave up on me, and… life with you, has been the best chapter in my life. You have made me a better person, you have seen me in my lowest and you didn’t left. You were there through thick and thin, and I love you for it. I will never forget the day where we said, the three words. The day where our life started to change every day. You have given me unconditional love and care, you have made my life the way it is today. My mom, always wondered how I came across someone like you before, and I would laugh; fate brought us together and Edenbrook was the start of it all.

Unfortunately, some stories would come to an end. And, the end of mine is coming very soon; take care of the kids, and tell them that mom is very proud of them. My love, you had made me the happiest and… even in the depths of the darkest roads, you will always be in thy heart. Forever, and always.  

Yours,

Casey Lahela.

The end of the letter, the one line that started it all, as a small smiled appear on his face despite the tears falling down on his cheeks. Alexandra and Keilani made their way as they pulled Bryce into a deep hug, letting their sorrows take over breaking every façade that they had. Louis joins in too, as they stood there together, as a family. Her memories were playing in his mind, a recording of every sense from their little time together made it into the highlight as, the letters felt like a metaphor, a feeling somehow she is there with them, looking down with a huge smile. A smile of satisfaction, as a chance to finally let herself go.

‘I will always love you Casey. Forever and always.’ He whispered slowly, as their life story was flashed through his eyes which is the best moments of his life.

THE END.

[ice-cream-nekogirl]

1-800-273-8255 (Class 1-A X Reader)

Major Trigger Warnings: This story contains attempted suicide, mention of suicide and mention of intrusive thoughts, including some inspired by my own, if any of this triggers you, I strongly apologize.

I wrote this a week ago... and at first I couldn’t bring myself to post it because... well I wasn’t sure if I should but... National Suicide Prevention Month is coming up in September so and then school is starting and... sometimes that can be enough to stress anyone out and trigger  feelings of anxiety and even depression so... I’m finally posting it for those reasons... 

There is a LOT of triggers in this story, I can’t stress that enough it was hard to just write this but... I felt like I had to...

Inspired by feelings I’ve experienced before and sometimes still experience when my intrusive thoughts come back to haunt me.. I also wanted to dedicate this to anyone else who might have felt suicidal, or even just had intrusive thoughts like me, or anyone else who has thought about suicide. You are not alone and you ARE loved.

Again, there’s a lot of triggers in this story so... reader discretion is advised...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cycUHgg0zzU

I've been on the low I been taking my time I feel like I'm out of my mind It feel like my life ain't mine Who can relate? I've been on the low I been taking my time I feel like I'm out of my mind It feel like my life ain't mine...

To be a hero, means being someone who can save people with a smile on their face.

But what if the smile isn’t real? What if it’s forced to try and make people believe that you’re okay and that you can do anything for them?

That was your life. You wanted so desperately to be a hero and to save people with a smile on your face. But none of your smiles were real, and they haven’t been in a very long time. You couldn’t even remember the last time you actually gave a true, authentic smile.

Yet here you were, in UA, the famed school for young heroes in training; the same school you sacrificed sleep, food and time to study for and prepare for just to get in. It’s a pressure you’ve been putting on yourself since the beginning, constantly trying your best to fulfill your expectations, for you, for your family, for other things you wanted to do good in.

And it was stressing you out, and every single time you tried something, you felt inadequate, especially to your classmates. Their smiles were real and you kind of hated them for it, and then you went back to hating yourself for thinking like that.

You loved your friends. You especially loved your best friends Izuku, and Ochako, Iida, Tsuyu, Todoroki, Kirishima… all of them, and your classmates each had a special place in your heart. Maybe not Mineta that much, but it’s not like you wished ill on the guy, he just seriously needed to take some hardcore classes on how to respect women.

Still, your classmates were amazing, and your new classmate Shinsou, you didn’t even know him until he got transferred into the class and you were so proud of him. He was doing something you knew you would never do, take a step closer to becoming a fantastic hero.

You couldn’t ever be a good hero. You couldn’t ever be a good person…

Everyone knew you for your smile though, but no one knew that your smiles weren’t real. None of them, not even your best friends. Which relieved you, you didn’t want to tell anyone about your problems at all, not even your teacher.

“(L/N).”

He called you right before classes were dismissed as your other classmates were already going out. Despite the anxiety swelling in your chest and threatening to pop, you turned to face him with your trademark smile, “Yes sir?”

You could see what looked like a hint of concern in his dark eyes, focused entirely on you as if trying to see even the smallest hint of trouble from you. This wasn’t the first time you’ve had someone try and look into your soul, but you had become painfully good at burying your emotions down so that way no one could see anything.

I don't wanna be alive I don't wanna be alive I just wanna die today I just wanna die...

“Have you been all right? Your grades are still decent, but it seems like they’ve been slowly slipping. Your performances in sparring have also been somewhat lacking. Is there… perhaps something wrong?” Aizawa wasn’t criticizing you or judging you, he was just making observations. You were thankful for his lack of judgment though since you haven’t been doing the best lately with all the stress starting to crush you from the inside out.

“Yeah! I just get a little nervous sometimes before a test… I’m… well sir I’m not sure if you’ve noticed but I’m a perfectionist, I just… I always want to be perfect and as a result I’m always afraid of screwing it up. So… sometimes I don’t always take the risks… and I kinda doubt myself in the heat of the moment…” As Aizawa intently stared at you and listened to your explanation, you smiled and blinked back whatever moisture wanted to gather in your eyes. Keeping your voice as level as possible and ignored the misery clawing and tightening around your throat as you swallowed it down.

It hurt… it hurt so much…

“I see.” You had a feeling Aizawa didn’t entirely believe you, but he wasn’t going to pry because for the most part, he believed most of your words since you had shared some of the honest truths with him, especially about your own perfectionism. But he had no idea what was truly going on with you, and you couldn’t be more thankful for that…

“If you need any help, I can offer you some tutoring. It’s my job to help you after all, whether it’s related to class or anything else you might feel comfortable sharing.” He said to you in a rare soft tone you didn’t hear him use often.

Never in your life have you felt so guilty for lying to your teacher, “Thank you sir. I might have to take up that offer on tutoring… I just need a little bit of help that’s all, I think from then on out I can get better and be less of a worry-wart.” You admitted sheepishly with a more bashful smile, which was enough to ease Aizawa just a little bit. “Very well then. Have a good night (L/N).”

He brought most of it, and even though he kept an eye on you as you bowed and left the classroom; he couldn’t see everything you were hiding…

“(Y/N)!”

Izuku had called you when he saw you walking towards Heights Alliance, he was standing at the front with Ochaco, Iida, Tsuyu and Todoroki, “Welcome back!” The brunette was waving to you as you looked over at them, but you were silent for a moment.

At least until you remembered to keep on smiling as you gave them a wave and made your way over to them, “It’s not like I went anywhere sillies…” You said playfully to your little group of friends, “We know! We’re just happy to see you.” The girl said to you kindly, smiling at you and you felt like you were just ready to cry right then and there.

I don't wanna be alive I don't wanna be alive I just wanna die And let me tell you why...

But you were an expert at holding it all back, so you kept your smile on. “Heh, you’re so easily amused…”

“What did Mr. Aizawa want to talk to you about (Y/N)? Is… everything all right?” Izuku sounded concerned though because he saw and heard your teacher call for you before you could leave with everyone else. Resisting the urge to gasp or even widen your eyes, you chuckled a bit.

“Ah, he was just offering some tutoring for me. You know I’m not the best test-taker and I’m just… a BIT nervous…” You let out a small laugh as you shrugged that off, but you didn’t and couldn’t tell that it just worried your dear friend.

“I can also offer you some of my own help if you feel you need it (L/N).” Iida was kind enough to offer his support to you and you perked up a bit. You always knew Iida was a noble kinda guy, so noble it was annoying sometimes but you appreciated it. And you appreciated it SO much right now…

“Really? Wow… thanks Iida… yeah, I’ll let you know I promise cuz… I’ll take what I can get… Haha…” As you gave another one of your fake laughs, you didn’t see a pensive look from Todoroki neither as he looked right at you.

Still, neither of them wanted to be rude and dig into your private life so they took what you were giving them, “Don’t worry, you’re a hard worker (Y/N), you’ve only been getting stronger and you’ve already got your hero license.” Izuku didn’t shy away from praising you, and it nearly sent you over the edge when he gave you that smile…

“I believe in you.”

It took every ounce of your remaining willpower to hold it all together as your fake smile grew despite the swirl of emotions thrashing inside your chest, “Oh Izuku… thanks… that’s so sweet…” Unable to help yourself, you threw your arms around him and pulled him into the tightest hug, earning a rather high-pitched squeak from your friend as he blushed a bright shade of red.

That was the first time in a long time you actually giggled a true giggle as you saw how flustered he was, “Hee~. You earned it you cutie…” Smiling you couldn’t help but snicker again when Izuku’s face somehow turned even redder as he looked away shyly, “A-Ahh y-y-you’re… y-you’re welcome…”

Hiding his face rather bashfully, you gave him your first true smile before you opened the doors for them to go inside, and you didn’t see the somewhat uncomfortable look on Ochaco’s face after you hugged him like that. But you did see Todoroki glancing at you with those intense grey and cyan eyes. For a moment you thought he caught on, but you just waved and smiled at him.

He wanted to talk to you, but at the same time he wasn’t sure if he would even be good at talking to you about personal things since he wasn’t like Izuku after all. And he didn’t want to bother you so he let you be. He knew what it was like to want to keep your personal things to yourself, so he wouldn’t bother you.

And as soon you ran to your dorm-room, falling to your knees as the tears quickly streamed down your face as you threw your hands to your mouth and quelled your sobs as you quietly cried to yourself again. Every day you’ve returned to your room crying, there was little you could do to stop this endless disappointment you felt in yourself and you couldn’t stand it.

You couldn’t handle the way you felt like you were letting everyone down. It felt like you were going crazy, and right now, you just wanted to die.

Eventually, you were able to prop yourself back up from your floor, stumbling as you made your way over to your desk. Writing something that wasn’t your homework…

THE NEXT DAY…

I've been on the low I been taking my time I feel like I'm out of my mind It feel like my life ain't mine Who can relate? I've been on the low I been taking my time I feel like I'm out of my mind It feel like my life ain't mine...

It was another day in class, everything was normal, and everyone was smiling as always and cracking some jokes despite the upcoming tests that you were not prepared for. “Hey (Y/N)! We’re thinking about getting together for another study session with Yaoyorozu this weekend, wanna join us?” Kirishima sweetly asked you with that smile.

God you wished you could smile like that…

Instead you selfishly gave him your fake one, “Sure! I’d love that, I could definitely use a lot of studying.” You giggled a little bit as your friend beamed at you, “Great! We’ll get it all done together! Help each other out. Hey I’ll even ask Bakugou to help you out if you want.”

“Word? Oh that’d be awesome…” You were amazed that Kirishima was actually going to try and get Bakugou to help you out. Bakugou! You’ve known the guy since childhood with Izuku, and he wasn’t the nicest guy in the world at all but… he was brilliant so you’d take his help if he actually gave some of it.

“Bakugou~. Hope you don’t mind if Kiri and I ask for some help…” You kinda timidly asked your irritable classmate as he scowled at you, “FINE! But you’d better not waste my time!”

Bakugou was as crass as always, and it both annoyed and amused you as you just gave him one of your smiles, “Thanks dude! Relax I won’t… I know better than that.” You covered your mouth to quell fake giggles, and pretended to be oblivious to the look Bakugou was giving you.

At least until Kirishima and Kaminari started asking him questions and teasing him about having a ‘soft spot’ for you and that made the flustered, explosive teen quite literally explode at them in response.

I want you to be alive I want you to be alive You don't gotta die today You don’t gotta die...

There was so much life in Bakugou and Kirishima’s eyes. And in Mina’s, Kaminari’s and Sero’s, and yet no one could see the listlessness in yours.

You didn’t feel like a human being at all.

You wouldn’t let them know though; you would keep your fake face on ss you shared a few insincere laughs with your friends they all got up to get ready to leave as Aizawa dismissed the classes. But you had to wait for him to leave too.

Because you were also getting ready to leave.

“Hey Iida! Leave all the cleaning to me!” You waved to the class representative when he came to the room with the cleaning supplies, “Really?”

“Yeah totally! I haven’t done it in a while.” You said smiling, but Iida seemed to contemplate on leaving you to do such a task all by yourself. So he shook his head, “Please (L/N) allow me to help you, it’s a large class and you shouldn’t have to do this all by yourself.”

Damn his chivalry…

I want you to be alive I want you to be alive You don't gotta die Now lemme tell you why

“I’ve cleaned rooms before though, it’s not that bad, besides like I said I haven’t done it in a while so… please let me help out with this. And… I didn’t want to tell you this but I overhead Mineta saying that he was going to try and hide under the stairs to take photos up the girl’s skirts… I feel bad for narc-ing but…I thought you deserved to know.” You had to lie, you hated that you were doing it but you had to…

Iida’s eyes went wide as the thought of his depraved classmate doing such a vile thing, “That Mineta! Thanks for telling me (L/N)! I will stop him as soon as I see him! And thank you for offering to clean the classroom I will have to owe you something in return for this! I will see you in the dorms!” He exclaimed to you gratefully before he rather quickly dashed out to go and reprimand his classmate for something he surprisingly wasn’t going to do, you hoped…

With that your friend was gone. Leaving you alone, and you couldn’t be happier as you looked around the empty classroom. It felt strange without all the faces and bright personalities that colored the room beautifully. The silence numbing your being as you made sure that Mr. Aizawa wasn’t here and that no one else could see or hear anything.

Carefully, you set the cleaning rags on the desk as you opened the window to see the skies one more time. Faint, bell-like chirps tingled in your ears when you heard birds flapping by and then flying outwards to the sky.

How you wished you could be one of those birds, free to fly in whatever direction they wanted and as high as they wished…

Bottom lip quivering you inhaled and exhaled deeply as you removed your UA blazer and tie; symbols of the hero school you knew you didn’t belong in. And you pulled out your hero costume from your bag and placed over your desk. (H/N) was going to be a fantastic hero, but in the end, (H/N) was just another goal you couldn’t complete because you couldn’t do any of the hero work right.

Failure.

That’s all (H/N) was.

You don’t deserve to be here; you don’t deserve to be anywhere…

Nothing would change if you just disappeared. No one might even realize if you disappeared, and it’s the best for everyone, and for yourself.

Everything fell silent in the classroom for a moment as you walked away from the window, staring outside one last time before your legs started to move with your eyes glued to the skies. You took a step onto the ledge before allowing yourself to plummet downwards as gravity pushed you…

Down…

Down...

Glimpses of brightly lit memories flashed before your eyes as you thought briefly of your loved ones one last time as you fell.

Izuku.

Katsuki.

Tsuyu.

Ochaco.

Tenya.

Shoto.

Eijirou.

All of them…

CRASH!

As your body impacted with the hard ground, everything suddenly went blurry as you didn’t see that you landed on your back. An intense, unforgiving wave of agony crashed over your form as you felt something warm leaving in several orifices under your body. Your arm… your legs… you couldn’t move them…

There was nothing you could hear other than the sound of a high-pitched ringing that screamed in your ears and blocked out the piercing, bloodcurdling shrieks coming from your friends and other students. You couldn’t hear them, and you couldn’t see the horrified and tearful looks on their faces. You couldn’t see Izuku, Ochaco, Iida and Todoroki trembling as they registered their dear classmate having fallen.

You couldn’t see the looks of shock and horror on Bakugou, Kirishima, Kaminari, Mina or Sero…

You couldn’t see anyone…

You couldn’t see Mr. Aizawa rushing forth desperately as he made his way over to your trembling body as he checked frantically for a pulse as you choked and felt the carmine spilling out the corners of your mouth. It was cold, why was it so cold…?

“SOMEONE CALL AN AMBULANCE!!”

ONE DAY LATER…

Guys… I’m so sorry.

I’ve been struggling a lot lately with personal issues, with myself, with the person I am and I’m not at all happy with the direction I’m going in. I feel like I’m constantly letting everyone down and disappointing everyone I know and love.

Every morning I wake up and feel like a failure because I wake up from nightmares about me just failing and failing over and over again. I can’t escape the dark place I’m in, and I don’t feel like I deserve to be here with all of you guys.

I haven’t felt like a human being in a long time, and I don’t want to be alive anymore, I just want to die. I know I shouldn’t want that, but I can’t escape this thing that’s constantly plaguing my mind no matter how hard I try.

You guys are the only light I have ever known, which is why I can’t be here anymore, it feels like the darkness has me and I’ve tried so hard to get away from it, but I feel like I can’t fight it. I can’t be the hero I want to be, I try so hard, but nothing I do is good enough. The only good thing in my life right now are you guys, I know you’re all going to be the most fantastic heroes of our generation, so please, keep being Plus Ultra.

I love you all. All of you.

P.S: Please tell Mr. Aizawa that I love him too. And Mr. Yamada, and All-Might too.

(L/N) (Y/N).

Izuku was in tears when he found your suicide note on your bed in your room, an immense surge of so many emotions of shock, grief and remorse crashing over him and his friends as they all heard their classmate read their friends’ note. Each of them all looking distraught and confused as many of them teared up and started sobbing with every word Izuku choked out when he read it. 

And when he read your name, he broke down in heavy sobs as his tears dripped onto the paper that had remnants of your own tears prior to the day before you wrote it. After your suicide attempt you had been admitted into the hospital, but you were comatose and suffered some bad injuries. Recovery Girl did the best she could and healed the broken bones, but she couldn’t only heal so much, the internal bleeding was what worried everyone because currently you were in the very fragile and thin line between life and death. 

No one in 1-A was in a good place.Their classmate tried to commit suicide and very nearly succeeded and possibly succeeded and it terrified them and made them all break down together...

Izuku in particular was nearly inconsolable as he wept in the common room with everyone else. The only form of comfort all he had was the fact that his closest friends were crying along with him as they each sat with him on the couch. Aoyama holding onto him with his head in his shoulder and Iida on his opposite side with his arm around the two smaller boys.

“I-I can’t believe it…” Ochaco managed to speak as she and Tsuyu hugged each other to comfort each other, “S-She... she seemed like she was fine yesterday…” Tsuyu didn’t want to believe it, but the more she thought about it, the more tears came to her eyes as Ochaco held her hand tightly. The two girls thought you had acted kind of odd, but your smiles were so bright that they both guessed that it blinded them from the pain hidden underneath the light you made sure to constantly radiate.

“I knew… something was wrong…” Todoroki hid his face with his hands as he wiped his tears away, “I thought she was acting strange… but I didn’t ask her…” Guilt etched over his tear-stained face as he buried his face back into his hands, unable to help the ice creeping onto his right side. He had never felt this feeling before, not since his mother was taken away…

But the thought of actually losing a friend, even the very possibility, it was almost too much for him to bear, and he did nothing to stop it…

“It’s my fault… she was in pain…” He sniffled as he shook his head in disappointment, and anger at himself as he punched the side of the couch in frustration. He should have helped you; he knew what it was like to bottle up emotions and yet he didn’t do anything to help you…

“I-It isn’t y-your fault… T-Todoroki… I… I also knew that… s-she was acting different b-but I… I couldn’t… I didn’t even… t-think of asking her… I-I had no idea s-she was even in… s-so much pain…” Izuku couldn’t even finish his sentence as he sobbed a little bit louder as the guilt was eating away at him. He’s been your friend since childhood, how in the world did he not see how much pain you were in?

But before he could beat himself up any further, he felt Iida’s arm tightening around him to try and comfort the boy despite his own mourning. “W-We couldn’t have known… s-she always seemed so… happy… but I… I didn’t even… I-I… I let her smiles convince me that… e-everything was okay… I-I… I failed her… s-she was… in pain and I… m-myself didn’t even…” Iida’s voice cracked as he choked on a sob. He felt just as guilty as his friends did, because it was his job to make sure all of his classmates and friends were all doing good and following the rules. But up until now, he didn’t even think about asking if you or anyone else were feeling okay. And now he realizes that he should have been doing that, especially when had been acting kind of odd. You just seemed so happy he thought you were okay…

“All the time I’ve known her…” Shinsou kept his head turned away as he sat beside himself, not wanting to show his tears as he inhaled and exhaled deeply, “She was always smiling… she even smiled at me… she smiled so much I… thought something didn’t seem right… but I… I pushed her away…” He didn’t know you as well as he wished he did, but you were kind to him at the Sports Festival, even before he got transferred into this course. But he just had to act like the cold, tough guy and push you away even when you were still kind to him…

Never in his life has he ever wished he could go back in time to reverse that…

“O-Oui but… it’s… s-sometimes the ones who smile most… a-are the ones suffering I… I can understand that… I… I should have… talked to her more…” Aoyama knew what it was like to hide behind a smile, and he had a feeling that you were also hiding your true emotions with a smile but he couldn’t find it in him to actually have a heart-to-heart with you. And he had never felt so bad about anything else in his life…

You were his friend; you were their friend. Not just them, you were Class 1-A’s friend.

As Izuku and his friends grieved and cried for you, the rest of your classmates were all doing the same and crying together, fearing for you and praying that you were still with them. Nobody could stop thinking about how they saw your body, and the suicide note that Izuku had shown them all. All of them were missing you terribly, and were scared as hell and full of remorse because neither of them knew just how much you were going through all by yourself…

“(Y-Y/N)… please be okay… Oh G-God… I-I can’t believe she… I-I can’t believe I d-d-didn’t…” Kirishima couldn’t hold back his sobs as he sat on the floor, hands covering his eyes as he tried to stop the tears, but he just couldn’t. He just talked to you yesterday and the entire time he didn’t even notice how you used your smiles to shield your real feelings. He felt so stupid and like the most worthless friend ever but he refused to pity himself, all he would think about was you and he just hoped that you were still with them so they could all help you recover physically and emotionally.

Sitting beside him were Kaminari and Sero, who were both crying together as Sero had buried his face in Kaminari’s neck, the two boys hugging each other. “I-I didn’t even know she was going through anything…” Kaminari had hit on you a few times, and you always, always smiled at him even when he thought he looked so dumb in front of you. And god he loved those smiles because it made him feel like less of an idiot.

But now that he knew that they were fake, he felt even more like an idiot and absolutely horrible because he felt like he was too dumb to see that you were hiding your pain. “N-None of us did… like Iida said... w-we couldn’t have... known...” Sero gently reminded him, even though he felt so bad because he was just as unaware of your pain as well.

“I-I… I really hope she makes it… I-I want to just… tell her how much I love her…” Mina hugged Yaoyorozu and Jirou tightly as the three girls cried together. “M-Me too… I want to… I want to hug her and… (Y/N) was… my friend… I wish I just… c-could have… b-been there for her more… a-and maybe she… w-wouldn’t have…” Yaoyorozu couldn’t hold back her tears as Jirou rubbed her back gently.

“I-It’s… it’s okay… we… really couldn’t have known but… I… wish I could have done something too…” She expressed her own regret as she felt Hagakure hug the girls and cry, for once the cheerful girl had nothing to say. Every time she tried she would just cry, just like everyone else.

Not even the calm, collected ones such as Ojiro, Satou, Kouda, Tokoyami or Shouji could hold back their tears as they had quietly cried together, with Shouji even carrying Mineta who was just as sad as the others and crying for you. They were almost hiding from the others but not hiding their grief. However, the only person that was hiding their grief was none other than their belligerent classmate Bakugou.

He stood all alone in his room, sitting on his bed with his hands curling in his disheveled hair, grunting in anger as he willed himself to not cry but his body refused as tears rapidly streamed down his tightly shut eyes.

“Dammit… (Y/N)…” He wanted to be angry, he was angry, but he was also miserable, depressed and horrified. He’d never tell it to anyone, but he did care about you. Even if you were still close to stupid Deku, he grew up with you too, it was hard to not have some sentiment especially since you always found someway to tag along with them or have at least one class with him.

All the years Bakugou had known you he always thought you were annoying because you were smiling all the time. He wasn’t blind or stupid, he knew whenever you acted kind of weird, and ever since the two of you got into UA along with Deku he noticed your smiles seemed off. They were as radiant as ever and you always seemed to beam with this stupid energy that he couldn’t stand half the time, but he knew that they couldn’t possibly be real.

And now he knew that they definitely weren’t real. Now that Deku read your letter, he almost felt horrible for not doing shit to prevent that from happening. He might have found you annoying but you were his good friend once upon a time…

Maybe he shouldn’t have pushed you away the same way he did to Deku. He always did like you better than him…

Bakugou might have been alone, but he was grieving just like the rest of his classmates for you. And they just prayed that you would survive. You were still in the hospital and all they could do was hope and they each told themselves that if you came out of this alive that they would do everything they could to let you know that they love you.

ONE WEEK LATER…

“SOMEBODY CALL AN AMBULANCE!!”

“(Y/N)!!”

“OH MY GOD!!”

“SOMEBODY CALL AN AMBULANCE!!”

“IS SHE BREATHING?!

“WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?!”

“SOMEBODY CALL AN AMBULANCE!!”

“OH GOD! OH MY GOD SOMEONE HELP HER!!”

“NO (Y/N)!! OH GOD NO!!”

“SOMEBODY CALL AN AMBULANCE!!”

The screams murmured in your ears even as you slowly regained some vision, but not all of it. Everything felt fuzzy, like you were floating on air and for a moment you felt like you were finally able to fly. But why couldn’t you move or glide away? What was going on…?

Was this a mistake?

It had to have been a mistake…

You just wanted a way out…

I've been on the low I been taking my time I feel like I'm out of my mind It feel like my life ain't mine Who can relate? I've been on the low I been taking my time I feel like I'm out of my mind It feel like my life ain't mine 

  As your (E/C) eyes slowly opened, you blinked to see an unfamiliar room and then the sounds of beeping became more apparent to you. But you winced as soon as you tried to move as you saw casts on your arm and legs, it hurt just to even move. It hurt so fucking much…

This was a hospital room…

You remember now…

You jumped out the window of your classmate, thinking that the story fall would kill you, almost hoping it would kill you. But it didn’t…

Because your teacher and classmates were there in time to make sure it didn’t…

Your classmates…

Your teacher…

The thought made a fresh wave of tears glisten your eyes as they streamed down your face. A strangled gasp coming from your throat as you thought shamefully of what they might think now, there’s no way you could see them again now after this. Maybe they won’t even know you’re gone… you almost prayed they wouldn’t…

However, after a few moments of being alone in this white room, you had no idea how long it truly had been until you saw the doctor gently calling your name. “Hello… are you there with me…?”

You could see them, and you could hear them too as you gave a weak nod of acknowledgement, “It’s okay sweetie…” It was a woman, and she was giving you such sad eyes, sympathetic as if she were trying to keep her tears at bay, and you could hear her saying that your parents had been called and so were your classmates and teachers.

Oh God…

Not your parents, not your classmates…

Part of you was relieved, but also scared as hell…

You knew they were coming, all of them. And you couldn’t bear to face them, you just couldn’t. So you closed your eyes, trying to pretend that you were somewhere else, that none of this happened and that you weren’t even here. Yet, the sounds of rushing feet were enough to break any delusion you attempted to create as your body violently tremored the second the door open…

There they all were, all of your classmates all rushing in as the doctor understood that they all desperately wanted to see their classmate. Several eyes met your wide (E/C) eyes which made you increasingly anxious as your heart pounded in your chest and you broke out in a cold sweat as you inhaled sharply and exhaled shakily.

You could see Izuku, Bakugou, Todoroki, Iida, Ochaco, Tsuyu and Kirishima, and Shinsou and Yaoyorozu, Jirou, Ashido, Sero, Aoyama, Tokoyami, Kaminari, Shoji, Satou, Ojiro, Koda, Hagakure (sort of because she’s invisible) and even Mineta…

All of them.

I finally wanna be alive I finally wanna be alive I don't wanna die today  I don't wanna die

Tears immediately springing to their eyes when they saw that your eyes were still open, and that you were still alive. And Izuku, Ochaco, Iida and Tsuyu were the first ones to rush over to you to gently hug you as they all burst into tears.

“(Y/N)!!” They each shouted as they went over to your bed, relieved as Ochaco held your good hand and Izuku was the first to gently hug you. You couldn’t hold back anymore as you let the tears fall as you buried your face into your dear friend’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry…”

You said to every one of them, and you could only hear everyone suddenly burst into tears as they all began to talk and say that no one was upset with you, that nothing was your fault and that it was all okay, that everything would be okay because they were here for you now.

“(Y-Y/N) I’m sorry… I’m sorry I c-couldn’t…” Izuku however, wanted to apologize as he tearfully held onto you, having felt horrible that he couldn’t tell that you were in this much pain.

“Izuku… no… I… don’t be…” You shook your head, pressing your forehead against his to comfort him as his cries quieted a little bit. Slowly, you peered up to see Iida and Todoroki looking right at you. Iida wiping his eyes as he tried to smile in relief but he was just as guilty as Izuku was. “I am sorry (Y/N)! As class representative and as your friend I should have paid more attention to the well-being of all my classmates!”

You wanted to chuckle, but it came out rueful, “You guys… can’t apologize for this… I mean… it’s not easy to open up about… I didn’t want you guys to know that I was dealing with a lot of things… I didn’t think any of you could understand but… I am sorry… I’m sorry for… all of this…” Reassuring your classmates, stray tears slowly rolled down your face as you saw Todoroki wiping his own tears away, only for more to well in his eyes.

“It’s not your fault… we can’t help the things we feel…” He sympathized with you, knowing full well what it’s like to keep everything inside only for it to bubble until it spills over and suddenly lose control. You couldn’t help but smile at this, of course Todoroki understood that…

However, your smile instantly fell as soon as you saw Bakugou’s fierce glare, except there was more fear and anger swirling in those eyes with lingering fury that you could clearly see. “Katsuki…” You were terrified of his reaction the most, which is why you were shocked the second you closed your eyes and found his arms coming around you gently as Izuku pulled away.

“K-Katsuki… I…”

“Shut up… just… shut up…” His voice cracked a little bit as you could feel his tears dripping into your neck. “Look (Y/N)… I don’t know what it is you’re going through… but… I’ll help you through it… so don’t even think about arguing with me about it… there’s no way I’m leaving you alone in this...” Bakugou was as firm as ever, and yet he was also weirdly gentle as he looked at you with a rare, soft gaze that just made more of your tears fall as you gave a quiet, breathless chuckle.

“We all will.” Izuku heard his other childhood friend talking, and for once Bakugou agreed with him.

“We’ll all help you (Y/N)! That’s a promise! Y-You don’t have to feel alone in this…” Kirishima spoke up, going over closer so he could hug you, which you happily took in with a small smile.

“I know we can’t make it all go away… but we can at least be there for you, give you endless support…” You looked over at Yaoyorozu, who was tearing up as she talked. And you understood what she meant, no doubt that you were going to have to see a doctor and go to therapy even and be on suicide watch for a while.

You nodded though. It wasn’t away yet, but seeing all of your friends here surrounding you and giving you their love just to make you feel better, secure and loved was enough to make it feel like it went away for just a little bit.

“(L/N)…”

But then you heard Aizawa’s low voice, and that prompted everyone to perk up and gasp as they let their teacher in. You were amazed at how he looked somehow even more exhausted than normal, like he hadn’t slept in days as he wiped his eyes once he looked at you.

“Mr. Aizawa… I’m sorry…”

“Stop that. Stop saying you’re sorry.” He quickly reprimanded you, but his voice was tender even when he started telling you what the doctors had told him. You were definitely going to the psychiatric unit for a little bit and speak to some doctors about everything that happened, and they also suggested some group therapy from the suicide hotline and professionals. Which made you sigh as you nodded, knowing that you would have to do all of that for your own sake and better your own health, physical and mental.

I finally wanna be alive  I finally wanna be alive I don't wanna die I don't wanna die

“Don’t worry (Y/N)… you won’t be alone in this anymore. We’ll be there with you all the way…” Izuku saw how pensive you seemed and he smiled at you, gently holding your good hand. Touched, you gave him a small but happy smile as your cheeks warmed a little bit.

“And that’s a promise. We’re here for you (Y/N).” Iida was quick to follow Izuku’s lead, although tearful he couldn’t have sounded more determined as you saw all of your emotional classmates giving you nods and soft little smiles as they all said your name and swore to help you and be there for you. It was almost overwhelming as your heart swelled up with all of these wild emotions and you bit down on your bottom lip in an attempt to hold back any more cries. But it was impossible to stop your flooding tears from spilling down your cheeks as you broke down in heartfelt sobs.

“T-Thank you… e-everyone… thank you… s-so much…”

For once, you were happy to be alive, happy to be among people that made you remember something.

You truly are important, and that you truly do matter.

I don't wanna cry anymore I wanna feel alive I don't even wanna die anymore Oh I don't wanna I don't wanna I don't even wanna die anymore...

If you have any suicidal thoughts, or have had suicidal thoughts or even just need someone to talk to about intrusive thoughts or just need to talk to someone about anything don’t hesitate to call 1-800-273-6255, the Suicide Hotline.

And remember that your life is important and that your life matters. YOU matter.  

[spiritmoony]

The Loyalists, Enneagram Type Six 

Positives: committed, security-oriented, engaging, responsible, reliable, hard-working, responsible, trustworthy, excellent "troubleshooters," foresee problems, foster cooperation, internally stable, self-reliant, courageously championing themselves and others, dutiful

Negatives: anxious, suspicious, defensive, evasive, complaining while stressed, cautious, indecisive, reactive, defiant, rebellious, problems with self-doubt and suspicion, fearful, pessimistic

Basic Fear: being without support and guidance

Basic Desire: security and support

Enneagram Six with a Five-Wing: "The Defender"

Enneagram Six with a Seven-Wing: "The Buddy" 

Key Motivations: security, support by others, certitude, reassurance, test attitudes of others toward them, fight against anxiety and insecurity 

Direction of Disintegration (stress): suddenly competitive and arrogant at Three 

Direction of Integration (growth): more relaxed and optimistic, like healthy Nine 

Of all the personality types, Sixes are the most loyal to their friends and to their beliefs. They will “go down with the ship” and hang on to relationships of all kinds far longer than most. Sixes are also loyal to ideas, systems, and beliefs—even to the belief that all ideas or authorities should be questioned or defied. Their beliefs may be rebellious and anti-authoritarian, even revolutionary. In any case, they will typically fight for their beliefs more fiercely than they will fight for themselves, and they will defend their community or family more tenaciously than they will defend themselves.

They are so loyal because they do not want to be abandoned and left without support—their Basic Fear. Thus, the central issue for type Six is a failure of self-confidence. Sixes come to believe that they do not possess the internal resources to handle life’s challenges and vagaries alone, and so increasingly rely on structures, allies, beliefs, and supports outside themselves for guidance to survive. If suitable structures do not exist, they will help create and maintain them. 

Sixes have the most trouble contacting their own inner guidance. As a result, they do not have confidence in their own minds and judgments. 

This does not mean that they do not think. On the contrary, they think—and worry—a lot! They also tend to fear making important decisions, although at the same time, they resist having anyone else make decisions for them. They want to avoid being controlled, but are also afraid of taking responsibility in a way that might put them “in the line of fire.” (The old Japanese adage that says, “The blade of grass that grows too high gets chopped off” relates to this idea.) 

If Sixes feel that they have sufficient back up, they can move forward with some degree of confidence. But if that crumbles, they become anxious and self-doubting, reawakening their Basic Fear. (“I’m on my own! What am I going to do now?”) A good question for Sixes might therefore be: “When will I know that I have enough security?” Or, to get right to the heart of it, “What is security?” Without Essential inner guidance and the deep sense of support that it brings, Sixes are constantly struggling to find firm ground. 

Sixes attempt to build a network of trust over a background of unsteadiness and fear. They are often filled with a nameless anxiety and then try to find or create reasons why. Wanting to feel that there is something solid and clear-cut in their lives, they can become attached to explanations or positions that seem to explain their situation. Because “belief” (trust, faith, convictions, positions) is difficult for Sixes to achieve, and because it is so important to their sense of stability, once they establish a trustworthy belief, they do not easily question it, nor do they want others to do so. The same is true for individuals in a Six’s life: once Sixes feel they can trust someone, they go to great lengths to maintain connections with the person who acts as a sounding board, a mentor, or a regulator for the Six’s emotional reactions and behavior. They therefore do everything in their power to keep their affiliations going. (“If I don’t trust myself, then I have to find something in this world I can trust.”) 

"About nearly every decision would involve a council of my friends. Please make up my mind for me! Recently, I’ve narrowed my authorities to just one or two trusted friends, and on occasion, I’ve actually made up my own mind!"

Until they can get in touch with their own inner guidance, Sixes are like a ping-pong ball that is constantly shuttling back and forth between whatever influence is hitting the hardest in any given moment. Because of this reactivity, no matter what we say about Sixes, the opposite is often also as true. They are both strong and weak, fearful and courageous, trusting and distrusting, defenders and provokers, sweet and sour, aggressive and passive, bullies and weaklings, on the defensive and on the offensive, thinkers and doers, group people and soloists, believers and doubters, cooperative and obstructionistic, tender and mean, generous and petty—and on and on. It is the contradictory picture that is the characteristic “fingerprint” of Sixes, the fact that they are a bundle of opposites. 

The biggest problem for Sixes is that they try to build safety in the environment without resolving their own emotional insecurities. When they learn to face their anxieties, however, Sixes understand that although the world is always changing and is, by nature uncertain, they can be serene and courageous in any circumstance. And they can attain the greatest gift of all, a sense of peace with themselves despite the uncertainties of life. 

Levels of Development

Healthy:

Level 1 (At Their Best): self-affirming, trusting of self and others, independent yet symbiotically interdependent, cooperative, belief in self, courage, positive thinking, leadership, rich self-expression

Level 2: able to elicit strong emotional responses from others, very appealing, endearing, lovable, affectionate, trust, bonding with others, forming permanent relationships and alliances

Level 3: dedicated to individuals and movements they deeply believe in, community builder, responsible, reliable, trustworthy, hard-working, persevering, sacrificing for others, create stability and security in their world, bring a cooperative spirit

Average:

Level 4: investing their time/energy into whatever they believe will be safe/stable, organizing, structuring, look to alliances and authorities for security and continuity, constantly vigilant, anticipating problems

Level 5: resist having more demands made on them, react against others passive-aggressively, evasive, indecisive, cautious, procrastinating, ambivalent, highly reactive, anxious, negative, giving contradictory "mixed signals," internal confusion, react unpredictably

Level 6: compensate for insecurities by being sarcastic and belligerent, blaming others for their problems, taking a tough stance toward "outsiders," highly reactive and defensive, dividing people into friends and enemies, looking for threats to their own security, authoritarian while fearful of authority, highly suspicious, conspiratorial, fear-instilling to silence their own fears

Unhealthy:

Level 7: fearing they ruined their security, panicky, volatile, self-disparaging, acute inferiority feelings, see themselves as defenseless, seek out a stronger authority or belief to resolve all problems, highly divisive, disparaging, berating others

Level 8: feeling persecuted, others are "out to get them," lash-out, act irrationally, fanaticism, violence

Level 9: hysterical, seeking to escape punishment, self-destructive, suicidal, alcoholism, drug overdoses, self-abasing behavior, corresponds to the Passive-Aggressive and Paranoid personality disorders

Addictions: rigidity in diet causes nutritional imbalances, working excessively, caffeine and amphetamines for stamina, alcohol and depressants to deaden anxiety, higher susceptibility to alcoholism than many types

Personal Growth Recommendations

Be more present to your anxiety, explore it, and come to terms with it. Work creatively with your tensions without turning to excessive amounts of alcohol (or other drugs) to allay them. In fact, if you are present and breathing fully, anxiety can be energizing, a kind of tonic that can help make you more productive and aware of what you are doing. 

You tend to get edgy and testy when you are upset or angry, and can even turn on others and blame them for things you have done or brought on yourself. Be aware of your pessimism: it causes you dark moods and negative thought patterns that you tend to project on reality. When you succumb to this self-doubt, you can become your own worst enemy and may harm yourself more than anyone else does. 

Tend to overreact when they are under stress and feeling anxious. Identify what makes you overreact. Realize that almost none of the things you have feared so much has actually come true. Even if things are as bad as you think, your fearful thoughts weaken you and your ability to change things for the better. You cannot always manage external events, but you can manage your own thoughts. 

Become more trusting. There are doubtless several people in your life you can turn to who care about you and who are trustworthy. If not, go out of your way to find someone trustworthy, and allow yourself to get close to that person. This will mean risking rejection and stirring up some of your deepest fears, but the risk is worth taking. You have a gift for getting people to like you, but you are unsure of yourself and may be afraid of making a commitment to them. Therefore, come down clearly on one side or the other of the fence in your relationships. Let people know how you feel about them. 

Others probably think better of you than you realize, and few people are really out to get you. In fact, your fears tell you more about your attitudes toward others than they indicate about others' attitudes toward you.

[ghostmartyr]

I am so sad and mad about how Isayama ruined Historia's and Ymir's story arcs and their characterizations. Two girls who have been hated just for being born and existing decide to live for themselves and for each other.... but then the other one decides that she should die and the other one decides to become a baby making machine?! That makes no sense! What happened to that promise about living for themselves? Why would Ymir suddenly decide to die?

I’m going to answer several of these in the same post. I don’t know if they’re all from you, but they are all of a similar vein, and I think having them together might help some.

So first of all, this is exactly why I have to believe there’s more to it. Because you have the two characters who are defined by their fights against fate bowing to it. Before I left the fandom, comments about the inevitability of both of their storylines were fairly common.

That is partially why they make no sense, and disregarding that is disregarding an essential theme of both characters.

The fact that it seems inevitable that Historia is doomed to have children to continue her line (even before this latest stuff, that was one of the most common criticisms of her having the happy ending of marrying Ymir), and inevitable that saving Reiner and Bertolt for two months would cost Ymir her life–

That’s what both of them are trying to fight.

“Evennow… There’s no way the three of us can make it back safely, is there?!”“There is.”

Ymir is the one who looks at impossible situations, and through the power of fuck you, gets herself and the people who matter to her out of them.

Marley stones her and will kill and rape the girl she loves. Her decision to help Reiner and Bertolt gives them an extra weapon to help that along. She calls Reiner and Bertolt small fry. They have very little influence. Helping them achieves nothing for her and gives people who began her personal nightmare a present. With how things are in Marley, it’s very unlikely that Reiner and Bertolt’s failure would have led to either of them losing their Titans; they’re too well trained.

Ymir’s sacrifice, as written, is meaningless and empty, and stands in opposition to everything about her character that has been established.

Something being “inevitable” for these two is a sign of something for them to fight, not something for them to endure.

Then we have Historia.

           I am really confused about the direction Historia’s character arc has gone. Ymir inspired Historia to live a life she’s proud of and to live for herself….only for Historia to become a tool, a baby factory???            

I have said previously that I have no issue with her agreeing to take on the Beast Titan. Jumping at sacrifice is pretty well ingrained, even with her knowing that maybe she shouldn’t. She’s brave, and willing.

She also doesn’t think.

Kristoria has zero intention of killing Daz. She still comes very close to killing him because she’s so caught up in her own personal drama of depression and death that she misses the way out. When she realizes that, she’s horrified.

Historia condemning any child to eating its mother and dying thirteen years later is bullshit. I’m not saying it couldn’t be done, but the way it’s written as of the moment, Historia gets zero thought bubbles. She is not given any agency; she’s the damsel in distress.

She’s the one who has the best understanding of what doing this to children would mean. She’s lived that life.

She is given no material about how profoundly she’s rejected exactly this in the past before it appears to happen. She’s just caught in the crossfire of inevitability. Of a new cycle of sacrifice. A figure for everyone to look at and say oh, how sad, but what did you expect.

It is a complete destruction of everything we know about her character, and it is done with no attention to how it would impact her or her emotions. She is thrust into the position of bystander in her own life.

I don’t talk about this stuff very often anymore, because I can’t talk about it without losing my temper. I can’t talk about it without remembering how deeply I hate this fandom. I can’t talk about it without remembering how fucking pissed I am about all of it.

So when I respond to this and the rest of these, I don’t want to come off as patronizing. I get it. I get it better than I want to. I get wanting to light every volume of the manga on fire, because with where the story is, it feels like everything that’s come before it is a colossal waste, and if the author isn’t going to honor his story’s internal consistency, why the fuck should I even care.

And that’s why I don’t think things are as they look.

The idea that both characters have been abandoned this thoroughly is very easy to jump to, because on the surface, that’s what’s going on. Their characters are introduced and established solely to be brought to their utter ruin.

That is not the story that’s been told so far.

It takes something like sixty chapters for us to find out how Grisha and Keith know each other. After one throwaway line. Annie and her crystal disappear outside of flashbacks for around seventy chapters.

Ymir proposing to Historia is one of the most popular gags, and it happens once. In the first chapter of the second volume. Eighty chapters later, it’s referenced.

RAB have a ton of panels dedicated to establishing their shadiness that went largely unnoticed until the reveal.

Historia’s bond with Ymir is what breaks a century of her family’s bloodstained traditions.

The chapter named after Ymir is the one where she shouts about how marching into death is fucking cowardly.

I will agree, wholeheartedly, that Ymir and Historia look to have been screwed over by the story worse than anyone else in the entire series. For all the bad things that have happened, few of them can claim to be an active regression and denial of everything the characters are as people. By which I mean none of them are.

Except, arguably, Eren’s arc and current characterization.

Which receives constant critical attention within canon itself.

Ymir and Historia’s arcs have not yet received such a spotlight.

The only thing contributing to the idea that things are not how they look–is that this story has never been told this way before. It kills people off before it betrays their character.

Historia reads Ymir’s letter and asks if that’s it.

Galliard’s introduction in human form is him being confused by Ymir volunteering to give Jaws back.

This is not a story unaware of what it is doing. Questionable material is not called out just to have a lampshade thrown on it and call it good enough. If something questionable is happening, it has always been recognized as such within the actual canon.

Ymir and Historia included.

Vaguely. With not nearly as many highlighted points as they deserve. But it has not gone unnoticed.

They’ve both, very specifically, been given a script that runs exactly counter to their themes.

Either the story’s crap and it pays no attention to itself, something that the rest of the manga argues strongly against, or something is up.

I want to believe something’s up. The alternative really is a story that doesn’t care about itself, and that has never been this story. The thought of it falling that low makes me really sad.

There’s an entire manga surrounding Ymir and Historia that says it hasn’t. This is not over yet, and until it is over, I’m going to hold out hope.

Because yeah, the writing as it is makes zero sense. It’s borderline impossible for the writing to have failed itself this badly. So:

“How often have I said to you that when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth?”

I get why that’s not a popular perspective. What’s going on with Ymir and Historia is rage-inducing. The fact that there might be a reprieve months down the line, and that being the most positive thing I can say to keep people’s hopes up… yeah. Despair and anger comes a lot easier when things are this fucked.

But I really, really don’t think that’s all there is to it.

           If Historia isn’t truly pregnant, then why does she look so miserable? I myself also hope that her pregnancy is fake, because I can’t understand why Historia would agree on becoming a labor machine and inherit the Beast Titan, when she previously refused her father’s plans about becoming a Titan. Why would she now be okay with it? Also, what about Ymir’s words to Historia about living her life with pride? Why would Historia suddenly not live her life with pride?             

Same thing, right? This backtracks on all the characterization we know, and without even a properly paced bridge showing how minds were theoretically changed. So pretty much all of the above.

As for the misery, though, one of my theories is that the house is being watched. The government is not that friendly towards the Queen. If the plan is for them to believe that Historia’s pregnant, she has to put on that skit. If the people watching believe that it’s a scheme to save Zeke’s hide/step one of the breeding program, she has no reason to look happy.

And she probably isn’t. Even if everything else was okay, Sasha just died. One of her closest friends is dead, and she doesn’t get to go to the funeral.

One of her other closest friends is off massacring people, ruining her country’s public image even further (which how the fuck, it was already terrible), and her role in this. Her mission. Is to stay on a farm, alone, helping none of them.

Historia’s always left behind, these days. She can’t go to Shiganshina. She can’t go to Marley. She can’t even go out in public or help around the farm, since she has to be gentle with her body and care for the “baby.”

She has a million reasons to feel miserable, and no one close to her seems to even give a damn. It’s implied heavily by Hange that sacrificing Historia is moved forward on the agenda thanks to Eren’s actions. Eren doesn’t appear to give a fuck. Not a single one of her friends even mentions her.

The only people talking about Historia are drunk MPs, basically calling her a slut, and bitching about the inconvenience of that; Kaya, who brings her up as a distant figure responsible for good orphan policies; and Hange, who uses her to try and spark a conversation with Eren.

As far as the plot has cared to reveal, no one alive could possibly care less about Historia and her problems.

Even if the pregnancy’s fake, that takes a toll. She’s fighting her battle, whatever it is, entirely alone. Unless we count NPC Farmer Guy. Who she constantly looks moments away from skewering with her eyes.

Of course she’s miserable.

           It’s a pity as Isayama continues to exclude Historia from the narrative as if it were nothing although I must say that this manga has a horrible tendency to the fanatical women of guys who “marked” it until Yelena is a fangirl of shit when I thought I was going to be a great character though What do you think about that? Personally I never had faith in the Yumihisu, not because of its plot, but because the Japanese mangakas always have the tendency that they all fall in love with the protagonist            

Yelena has always been a fanatical devotee of Titans. I can understand why that characterization isn’t as fun as the badass helpful one who shoots people, but Yelena’s backstory is all about looking up at Zeke (possible sociopath, routine mass-murderer) and seeing God.

This is… about the fallout I’d expect from that. She wants the person who currently wields the power of god to embrace its full glory and etc. etc. There’s a lot about that that alarms me, and I do greatly prefer Yelena as the person who’s bright, calm, and helpful over the desperate devotee, but. She follows Zeke. She views power and morality in some pretty terrifying ways. That coming across palatably is up to individual preference.

I think Yelena is still allowed to exist as her own person, though. Extreme worship can be an uncomfortable thing, especially when it’s a woman looking at a role currently fulfilled by men. Blah blah blah misogyny and not letting female characters develop unless a guy’s involved, blah blah blah media is The Worst.

Like, I won’t try to argue that’s not a thing, so it’s usually worth looking at those trappings with a healthy degree of caution.

But Yelena worships the power. She wants Eren to develop his own mind over how to use it. She looks up at these gods, and she wants to watch.

That is not an empty, sexy lampshade characterization. To be honest, it’s kind of terrifying. She’s the most pragmatic about murder among the Anti-Marleyan Volunteers. She’s aggressively against anything that might show even a hint of loyalty to Marley, even people she has close ties to.

She shoots people without flinching. She hates Marley. She’s on Eldia’s side, and what’s coming out makes it look like she’s on Eldia’s side because she sees Titans as a blessing while everyone else in the history of the planet, even Eren’s damn cult, sees devils.

You’ll find unfortunate implications in most things if you stop to look, but unfortunate implications are not the sum total of a character and a character’s arc unless things have really gone off the rails. Yelena being a fanatical devotee of gods that happen to be possessed by men does have its worrying elements, but she’s also a fleshed out character with her own agency and motivation built in. Tropes are where the story begins. If they also end there, yeah, that’s a problem. In Yelena’s case, it’s very firmly only a beginning.

As for Ymir and Historia…

We do not live in a world where trusting authors to handle femslash in mainstream media goes well. You’ll have your gems, but like. One of my favorite ships of all time, where the writers got it, where it had the best writing and best slow burn and best everything–still has one half dying the episode after they’re reunited after a season-long separation.

There are reasons for that, and I do not blame the writers for how they distributed their resources or story’s pacing (I still very much like the story, and enthusiastically dig what was done with the death).

That’s still how it went down. A great story, told brilliantly, and oh look she’s dead.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

The fact of the matter is, a story could roll out the red carpet for every single insulting trope that faces queer pairings, and check each one off the list intentionally, making it as offensive as possible, and the collective fandom consciousness would probably nod and say yeah, that sounds about right.

We have not been conditioned to trust queer ships. We probably have been conditioned to distrust their writers. It’s what makes those fandoms… kind of high-strung. I say that with as much respect as I can, because I’m definitely not above any of that, but yeah. The fandom environment for this stuff tends to be rabid hope followed by burning all concept of hope to the ground, because hope is a worthless daydream that doesn’t actually exist.

Usually because even authors who do genuinely care do not get why people are so damn cagey about this. Not getting it leads to things that feel like pretty basic, conventional tragic writing that audiences eat up, but are in fact the harbingers of fandom apocalypse.

Ymir and Historia are a beautiful story. Maybe it’ll turn out that they’ll be as screwed up as everyone’s been shouting about since 93, but everything in canon has always been respectful of how much they mean to each other.

I understand why so many people are upset and unwilling to hold out for things to be less. this. This sucks. This really, really sucks, and even if it all turns out okay, that’s months away. Optimistically.

I don’t blame anyone for being bitter, or not wanting to stick that through. I am well beyond bitter, and regularly wish I cared a little less so I could just check in once the series is over and not go through this chaos of uncertainty.

However, I do still believe that there’s room for the story that means so much to us to be respected. I do still believe that it’s not over, even if the actual ending still isn’t as happy as we want it to be.

When the writing is this explicitly destructive of everything that’s come before, there’s a story to that, and this series’ stories have always been good ones.

Told with the grace of a month-old puppy, which is what we’re experiencing now, but still ultimately worth experiencing.

The active pursuit of doom and gloom in the manga has always been used to kick off an arc. So far, light has always shone through in the end.

Nothing’s broken beyond repair yet, even if it feels that way.

[peachyjie]

Half Past Three - Pt.2 || Zhu Xing Jie

|| Part 1 ||

Warning : you may suffer and be miserable when reading the part 1, I’m telling you bc I myself cried when I wrote it. No jokes, and go to Ashes when you’re done n love zzt. Pls.

A/N : No, I did not plan to update this last part this long. It’s been in my drafts since the Part 1 was posted *sorry Huba* and basically I’ve been busy with requests. So here we are peeps, the part 2! And happy 200 *that alr passed like 5 days ago???* Just enjoy :>

Requested : No, but a lot had asked about the existence of it so here it is ya’ll!

Pairing : Zhu Xing Jie - Reader

Genre : angst + slight!fluff

Summary : The feeling of losing someone will always hurt the most, but what about the feeling of seeing the one you lost suddenly came back?

————•———— 

He flicks his phone off for the fifth time, a soft sighs left in between his lips. He stared at the now darken screen, hesitant. “Just make the call”, Xingjie whipped his head towards the voice. Wang Lin Kai

5 months

The same sad gaze the younger always give him after the tragic break up. He remembers when he told them about his decisions, all 3 pairs of eyes give out the same reactions.

Pain, sadness and disappointment

He remembers the voice that echoes in his mind, everyday haunting him. He tried everything to forget. He hope he did the right thing.

He tried to make new works but are all the same, they ended up in the bin.Everything is killing his light. He was pressured, he lost it. He spent months coped up in his own studio, away from any interactions. It was so bad until the point Linkai and Yankai had to dragged him out.

He almost gave up. Almost

He remembers seeing Linkai slamming a paper on the table, staring at the older male. “Ge, let’s go. From square one. You, me, Yanchen-ge and Yankai”.

And here he is now, close yet so far from his spotlight. 4 months ago, he told the younger that the furthest he would probably survive till the 2nd elimination. But here he is now, standing tall and lean, walking to his own hope.

Maybe you are right, maybe this is his time.

Xingjie grabs his jacket and ran out out to the breezing night sky. He yelled out, trying to get the heavy sick feeling out of him. He’s weak, fragile and vulnerable.

Selfish

He’s really selfish. From the pin point of sacrificing his dreams, to losing every hope he has in his career. It ended up making him breaking the string with you, thinking everything will go smoothly.

He didn’t trust you, your words. It was too imaginative thinking one day he will achieve it. Driving him to the edge of giving up, on hope and on his dreams. Yet here he is now, a step closer to acknowledgements. 

He was the one who promised he would stay by your side, supporting each other. But he was the one who ended the us, yet he is selfish enough to want you back in his life.

He stared at the midnight sky, empty. The last night before the Final, and he was desperate. He needed this chance, his last one. He needed you

Drawing random lines on the window pane, you expect nothing. You had it the worst. When he broke it off with you, your life drastically change. Your energy depleted, you lost your own appetite, your mind would always wonder to god knows where and your heart kept aching for him.

Odd, you could say to yourself. It was amazing how a certain feeling could change so fast. One day both of you are really in love with another to even think about breaking up. Then the next day the nightmare happen, yelling and excessive tones thrown to one another resolving to the string being cut off.

Hence, you could never forget about it. You chose to stay on your spot and let time heal it. But it seems like time was also playing with you. 5 months and you felt nothing change. You only felt yourself weaken, being miserable.

Until your phone rang, and it’s from him

Silence, none of you tried to speak out. Afraid, too scared both of you might even break by opening a mouth. Both of you can hear each other’s heavy breathing, the lumps coming in stopping any words from coming out.

“It’s half past three, why aren’t you in bed?”, he started first. You almost choked hearing his voice after so long, the soft tone laced in concern. You wished you could laugh but you knew this was already enough to break you.

“I could say the same to you”, you said back almost in a whisper. He chuckled weakly, breaking a small smile even if you can’t see it. He sighed.

“Come to my Finals tomorrow”, he said. You stayed silent, unable to think of an answer. Xingjie probably noticed this, but he wasn’t ready to give up. He’s desperate, he needs this. He needs you to be there

“We miss you. Linkai, Yanchen, Yankai and me.”, Xingjie choked out. He knows you can feel his desperation through the line, but he didn’t care. “Come to my Finals tomorrow. Please”

You were sobbing, tears a little by a little slowly falling down your face. Trimming lines that shines by the moonlight’s light. “I miss you”, he said as a final. Waiting for your answer, the heavy feeling in his heart.

And the bullet hits him too hard. “I’m sorry, Jie. I can’t”

He didn’t know what kept him hoping, what made him think you’re playing a sick joke just to surprise him. He thinks you’re playing with him.

Because in every stage he performed in the large stage, he would search. Even until the time he stood waiting for the Final’s announcement, he searched. He didn’t care how impossible it was to find you in that many sea of people. He still searched.

Until the end of the show, he didn’t find you. He didn’t see the familiar pair of eyes that belongs to you, you never came.

He felt sick downs itself in him, he felt like a sore loser. Because once again, his light went off. He didn’t make it. He lost his chance again.

It didn’t take long for him to lose his light, but it didn’t take too long for the light to come back. People started acknowledging him, see him in a bigger perspective. As if a new gate opens up for him, his life changed.

People started to know who he was, what he really does. Things are actually going well. His music are known and it pushes him to do better. He felt a new glint of light passing in his dark road.

But that wasn’t enough. Xingjie is an idiot, an idiot filled with regret. He felt lost and empty, there’s still a hollow in his heart. He started to feel the intensity of the torture more and more. He should’ve trusted you

But was it too late?

You couldn’t help but smile at his success. You knew he can do it and he finally did. He may think you didn’t even care, but you still supported him even after the breakup. Knowing he went to another show to start from one again, you tried your best on helping him.

Seeing him going up each day sent you flying. You’re proud of him, he finally did it. He got to grasp to his dream, he found his light to lighten up his own road.

You couldn’t even ask for anything more.

Xingjie was laughing with the other trainees as they were practicing for the event later on. He felt loose and content everyone is getting the light they deserved on to. Yanchen took a bottle of water and gave one to him, Xingjie accepted it and nodded as a thank you.

“Make the call”, Yanchen said of out the blue. Xingjie just screw the cap and put the bottle beside him and sighed. “It’s no use, it’ll be just like last time”, he stood up trying to proceed on practicing again.

It wasn’t until Yanchen grabs his hand, staring at his Ge with a slight glint in his eyes. “You never know if you don’t try”, and lets the older one go.

And there he was, standing once again on stage. He felt the pride slowly hugging his figure, the content smile on his face. How much had he longed to stand on it, performing. He had his fun, he made it all last.

Trying his best to sustain the longest memory on stage before going back, to another pause wondering if there is another one after this. He longed for it

Microphone on his hand, he smiled at the sea of people who are staring at him in adoration. He smiled wider. The shine in his eyes was back, he felt content wanting this moment to last.

Then that’s when he saw, he met the pair of eyes that’s so familiar to him. The same eyes that would crinkled in his own dumb jokes, the eyes that always stares at him in adoration, but also the eyes that’s staring at him full of pride and love right now.

You

You came. Xingjie didn’t know anymore, he was frozen. Then he was laughing, trying to compose himself but he felt like he’s losing it. He didn’t care, you actually came.

You locked eyes with him, a banner covering half of your face. Your eyes crinkled as you smiled too wide noticing his own laugh. You see him staring at you again, those eyes that you always love. He stared, soon a wide smile is on him again. Mouthing the words he sees on your banner, he laughed a little again.

I knew you could do it, I love you

The same glimmer and light on him never once faded, he just shines brighter than ever. Once again he made a song you knew that was dedicated to you. He locked his eyes to you once more, he mouthed.

Thank you

You smiled, the feeling never changed. Both of you got separated but yet like a magnet was drawn back to one another. He thought he lost you forever, but who knew you came back to him anyways.

When you went back home ready to wash up and go to bed, before your phone rang. You smiled, the same time like last time. You slide to answer, your heart swelling.

“It’s half past three, why aren’t you in bed?”, you laughed. Loud and in content, no aching heart this time. He chuckled, adoration and love in him.

“Come back to me now, Y/N”

[melinaariane]

I hope I’m doing the right thing...

In everything that I put my mind to, I work my ass off. This last year I’ve devoted my time to my husband, my family, my house and my life. I’m one to see the positives of things, but that wasn’t always the case. I use to dwell only on the negatives and see things only my way. Thank God for the earth shattering process towards becoming an understanding human being. This year I’ve sacrificed, but I’ve also gained a lot. So in this rant I will state things that I feel could be negatives, but have turned to be positives and green lights.

(-)I stopped working- gave up having my own money (which for an independent woman that is your world). I love having my own. I dislike depending on others. I hate asking for anything. When I speak, I’m putting my heart out there and boy do I hate putting my heart on the line. (+) I’ve been able to give my husband unconditional attention. When I was working 40+ hour weeks I pushed his feelings to the side because I had to make that money , work mode never turned off. I’ve focused on being more money conscious- how to save, how to coupon and find items on sale, not making frivolous purchases new clothes, makeup necessities, eating out, adventures. I found that I can depend on my husband. He gives me everything that I need and a whole lot more. It’s taught us how to share and be selfless. In the past I’ve been called “an ungrateful bitch” which if anyone knows me is untrue, but that phrase still replays in my head. I understand the time, effort and care of money, gifts and time. I know how hard my husband works to support us, I understand what he puts up with at his work place, I know he’s tired and exhausted, I know some days he doesn’t want to get out of bed. Which leads me to trying to stay positive and ensure my moods not are in check, telling him “I love him” during the day, remembering items he can forget, making sure I’m not the one lagging in the morning, cooking his breakfast, lunches and dinners, preparing a menu, trying to figure out his favorite foods,making sure the windows are open so the house isn’t hot, taking out the trash, having the gate open for him befor he gets home, washing dishes, washing clothes and the list goes on and on. I try my best to make sure his days at home aren’t as stress as his days at work. I try my best to make sure our home is place he wants to be. We could be out and partying it up: raging spending our money on overpriced alcohol, arcade games, packed concerts, & everything for social media’s sake. But this year has brought us quality time, conversation, deep appreciation for our circumstances, intimacy and true happiness.

(-)I’ve given the leadership role to my husband. I hate people telling me what to do. I like the control of leadership. I like to know what’s happening and have the details laid out on everything. (+) him being the leader allows him to make smart choices for the both of us. Not saying I’m not giving my input or my opinion, but he makes most of the calls. If I feel like it’s too much for his plate- I’ll call it off. Giving Him the leadership means more spontaneity and less anxiety (which I use to call “control”). He’s not telling me what to do, but encourages me to be more adventurous in hobbies, recipes and life choices. We’ve come up with boundaries and ensuring safety in our family. I know he’ll be able to make the right choices for himself, for me and my family.

(-)communication on topics that are uncomfortable suck. It’s not always easy to speak up. It’s hard to keep my cool in a heated conversation. I want to scream and make the other person feel how I feel. (+) talking about uncomfortable topics help you avoid dealing with those issues in the future. Preventative measures. I’m one for blowing up and exploding because I feel unheard. I swear I ask in normal ways 3-4 times, but after being unheard it will get rough. Normally I turn into an irrational crying mess(I still have my days), but recently I tried to skip to the solution seeking aspect of it all. Save the exhaustion of crying and feeling like shit for some one who has time for it. As women we get the question “what do you want?” and we don’t always know what we want, but throwing the emotions aside to figure it out gets the problem solved. Do you acknowledge how you feel? Fuck yeah you do. Feel that shit man! Save the crying bullshit part for yourself and come up with a plan and ask for input.There is nothing more gratifying than having your partner help you solve your problem. To come up with an implemented plan that actually works is success!

(-)I’m married=same penis forever. What if’s, might have beens, am I making the right decision? (+) getting married was the best decision I’ve ever made: security, love, direction and hope for a better future. I never had any doubts about my marriage, only the possible outcomes of how it would change my family life. It was difficult adjusting at first, but we’re getting there. You think about your ex’s, your possible flings or what could’ve been and know that nothing could be better than what you have now. I look at my husband and see how much he’s grown, how hard he works, his self control, his persistence, his drive and dedication and I know I can’t find it anywhere else. Why would I want anybody else? I’ve seen my peers and thank god I am where I am. As for same penis forever, I’m glad I got the best of the best. He’s mine. Sex is incredible being married. No worries, understanding one another’s bodies, loud sex, knowing that your body is not only yours, but his as well, the most intimate you’ll ever get, and the excitement of wanting eachother more and more each day. Call it “old fashioned” I’m seeking to grow old in this orderly fashion full of passion.

Am I doing the right thing? Yes, I am. I know I am because I feel good about myself. Am I working my ass off? Fuck yeah, but boy is it worth it. I am proud to see my husband the most successful he’s ever been and I know new paths are just around the corner. I know that I’m working towards a greater purpose. It’s not just about me anymore, it’s about US. And I love who we’re becoming and what we’re representing. A Healthy, efficient relationship constantly seeking to improve towards future endeavors.

[extradan]

fun fact: my family is white and i used to think our food was good, but never really learned how to cook for myself until i made friends who actually seasoned food when they made it, and i realized my families food is not that great, and now my family is BAFFLED by the concept oF SALT AND PEPPER

Thats really great! good job for taking cooking to your hands! food is so very important as we must consume it every day, and the quality and preparation of the food can really affect our diet and the health of your body, and im not even talking about obesity, as food can really effect how you feel mentally and physically, you can still be a skinny ass bitch and still be pale af and feel like a rotting garbage bag.

despite my resources and current finance, I have grown having high standards of preparing and making foods, I am not some wicked chef but I have my terms

I am truly disgusted but how my family purchases their ingredients and meat and how they prepare and cook it and I cant believe i have been sustaining off their dishes for the longest time in my life as a kid and a teenager, no wonder I was feeling sick and weak all the time, I mean the Ritalin i have been taking took part of it too, but yeah ya get me, niether my body was great and I was pale as a vampire.My family barely season their chicken, stake or meat, but ..coat them.. with mayo... most of the time.. potatoes with mayo.. stakes coated with mayo... everything.. with mayo... I take food very seriously and unfortunately its not a common thing here in my area since its populated mostly out of white people, especially most sections of super markets that serve meat are white people and a lot of them have really low standarts

I have actually been scolded loudly by an employee two hours before closing when i saw they had a pack of imported chicken breast that has had the same expiration day of when I inspected it, I remember it as the date I was shopping for chicken was april 30, and the chicken expired on april 30, I had to explain politely and nicely to the person standing behind the meat that it has expired today and that they cannot serve it to people, especially that disabled or old people might not be able to read or suspect the expiration date and blindly cook and consume the chicken and get sick, and boy was I yelled loudly for mentioning it.

I have had called the supermarket brand over the phone and explained them that they cannot serve expired or nearly expiring chicken (since they do it so often, like really, its so bad) as there are unexperienced people, disabled people, old people or mothers that are unable to have the time or the ability to inspect the date of the chicken, and i have been told that according to their policy, even if the chicken was expiring today (today as back on april 30) its still “considirated fresh”.

I really want to shop from their market but like, I visit there every once twice a week, even three times to hunt for fresh meat, and they always have meat with the expiration date of one day to two, but when it was same day expiration day, it was really the last straw! they cant keep doing that!! 

So I shop my meat fresh from either the other supermarket below or from butcher shop, I have been purchasing my meat from the other market for a while since they were giving non-antibiotic fresh 3-4 day lasting fresh chicken solutions, but I have recently been giving the butcher shop below a chance and I am still tasting their chicken, so far I have had good experience with their wings, and according to their information, the chicken are being imported from farms in the far and not from factories, I dont know how relieable it is as they tell me that my fresh chicken can last for “weeks” or even “months” but the taste is a bit better so I am still inspecting it.While im not vegan, they lives of animals have a big value to me and I always appreciate buying chicken or meat that are coming from places where those same animals were living under “better” conditions and were fed more than just seed and corn, I support the health of the animals I consume and I hate wasting, I hate wasting so much, Iwill not eat expired food, but I will do what I must to prevent wasting fresh meet, you can offer me free food and I will be like UHH idk i had plans cooking this chicken tonight.. 

Raw meat and chicken come from animals who have their lives sacrificed toward our consumption (not out of choice by of course) and the least we can do for them is not let their bodies go into waste, every meat and chicken should be respected .

So yeah, please care for your food and cook it with love, dedication,with accuracy and precision. love yourself and the food you are preparing as youre making it!

Also consider having more tools if you are capable of affording it to amp up the quality of your food, its not a necessity, but you must care for yourself as a person, and food is not a luxury, but necessity that you and your body operate of.

Never go cheap on your food, and always train, dont give up and always try new challenges, you will suck for a while but you will succeed, dont worry, I suck myself, I cant make nice fried chicken yet despite my attempts that I believe have been perfect. 

[dmtrtyping]

here i am again. tomorrow is officially the last day of 2020. this grueling year is finally coming to an end. does it mean that we’ll start the new year with a fresh start ? i hope so. although i have to be completely honest, it hasn’t really settled in me yet that 2021 basically starts this friday. 

i’m somewhat floating in this space where time and reality does not exist. some part of me believes that it’s because i am overwhelmed with the year coming to an end and yet there are so many things i haven’t done or finished. it’s also probably because of the amount of school work i have these days and the fact that i have literal classes on a saturday, on the 2nd of january ??? baffling i know. 

but well, this is the literal implication of life goes on. there are classes i have to attend, assignments to submit, the pandemic is showing no signs of stopping anytime soon, and people are still careless and stupid enough to hangout without masks, you know, the usual thing. nothing out of the ordinary for this new year moment.

now before i get in too deep into my rants about how much thing i have to do while i’m here basically finding excuses to procrastinate and avoid doing the actual work that i needed to do- what was it that i wanted to talk about ?

ah, yes.

something about the past 12 months and my wishes for the upcoming ones. 

2020 has been tough. we all know that, we all felt it. we had so many losses, from friends, to families, to loved ones. some might even lose their jobs from the worsening economics. some their houses, their belongings, and some probably lost their passion or positivity.  

i’m not going to sugarcoat things and say that at least there are things that we could be thankful for. because for some, there’s just nothing to be thankful or grateful for. and it’s okay to feel that way. it’s okay to feel sadness, anger and to give up on certain things that you need to let go. 

we know that every decision comes with consequences, every action comes with an aftermath. if you want to keep dwelling in what you loss, knowing what it’s going to do to you in the future, go on, it is your life. but if you want to make a change, if you want to rise up and you might need some help, don’t hesitate to ask the people you trust. 

life is about making choices. it doesn’t necessarily have to be right, because even the wrong choices are great for a learning process. make a choice, and face the consequences. know that it is not failure until you give up, otherwise it’s just a learning process. 

so with those battle scars from 2020, the ones that tore you down, and broke you apart, the ones that made you a stronger person, start your 2021 with confidence and passion. the year might broke you, but you pulled yourself out of it, and you are now stronger and better than that person you were at the beginning of 2020. 

the year truly gave me a lot of things to think about when the nights couldn’t lull me to sleep. things i’ve achieved, goals i’ve yet to achieve, things i’ve lost, memories worth holding onto, and lessons i’ve learned. from the rivers staining my pillow, to the series of laughter hurting my facial muscles. from the infinite happiness found in simple things, to the process of becoming a better human being. 

of course as a human being, i too make mistakes. i hoped i had apologized and fixed all of them, so i won’t have to take this year’s mistakes into the new year. to everyone i had offended, to anyone i had hurt, please accept my apology for hurting or offending you. i will make sure to learn my lessons and not make the same mistakes twice. 

and a short message to myself before stepping into the new year, please be strong. the year has a lot in store for you. so many significant events will take place. so many challenges awaits to be conquered. so much room for you to grow wiser. please believe in yourself, be strong, and never back down because each day you are one step closer towards your dreams. every small step is a progress, never be discouraged. you can do this, six year old you is proud that you’ve hold on so far. 

still, i would like to express my gratitude that i still get to be healthy, that my family is doing well, that they are safe and healthy. and even if we’re currently seeing our worst days, we are lucky for still getting by. i couldn’t really ask for anything else in regards to the current situation we’re in.

and of course to all the healthcare workers and everyone who has dedicated their time and effort, saving lives during the pandemic. to all the fallen angels, sacrificing not only their time but also their lives for the safety and well-being of others. you are a hero, the greatest one the world has ever seen, and we would never be able to thank you enough for what you've done.

dear 2020 whom we have a love-hate relationship with, 

thank you for the lessons and memories, i hate you for being such a mean year to us all, please become a history that will never repeats itself ever again.

dear 2021 whom we are hopeful for and yet scared of,

please treat us well, because we all desperately need a break from the year-long joke that is the year 2020. although if you turn out like how 2020 did, we would definitely be disappointed but not surprised. like i said, we are hopeful, but at the same time we are tired of hoping because we don’t know what to expect anymore.

sincerely, 

someone who has a shit ton of things to do, but decided that for sentimentality sake, writing this is a priority. 

dmtr.