#i'm not only afraid of someone breaking into my place at any given time. i am also afraid of the deeply corrupt justice system

[haarute]

just now, someone broke into my very next door (our buildings are connected) neighbor's place as they were away on a trip. they noticed over security cam livestream footage and contacted everyone. a bunch of cops with rifles and shotguns then showed up right in front of my bedroom window, broke into their house, and took away this singular unarmed woman who had snuck in and was hiding inside of their trailer in the garage.

the sergeant told my mom not to worry because they took several items (like a fire extinguisher) from my neighbor's place and were going to straight up lie about why she was being brought up to the precinct by saying that she was stealing/using said items so they can detain her for longer.

i'm feeling a lot of things right now

[kanmom51]

Are you sure? Announcement

Ok, so waking up to this little surprise kind of made my day.

With this following:

The two of them in a nutshell. 🤣

And this is how it looks on the Big Hit IG account.

Curious how their names are actually placed next to the other, so that JK's name is next to JM and JM's name is next to JK's.

Curious is what I am going to say.

But back to that little surprise we got.

And before I get into it I want to stress, and this is a given by now, but I will say it once again: these are my observations and opinions. Opinions being the key word here.

Just before we begin on this little surprise clip we got, can someone explain why it's titled 'Are you sure?!' Announcement (from USA) when it actually looks like this was filmed when they were in Jeju?🤔

I'm sorry, but we afraid of watering down, were we?

They couldn't even edit out the gay from a 1:23 min. announcement...

And this is them trying really hard to be on their best behavior for less than a couple of minutes on camera with a script to follow. 🤣

What will we be getting when they are in a relaxed natural setting???

With so much stand alone Jikook content, no amount of editing will be able to hide their dynamics, what they are to each other, what they mean to each other.

I cannot wait!!!

I've already mentioned this in the reblog of JM's Muse numbers, but I am bringing this up again the 1:23!!!

Intentional. A choice. Not a coincidence.

Not when this just keeps to happen again and again and again and again and again... countless times.

What can I tell you? They just melt my heart.

The way I just know that this ended with shits and giggles.

You can see JK breaking into laughter as the camera cuts. That little bob of his Adam's apple, snickering away.

This wasn't an easy one for them to shoot. JK looked tired (end or start of a day filled with activity?), JM looked I don't want to say flustered at times, because that is a big word, but at the same time I don't know what word to use to describe him being a little off his game. JK did his stimming and a little of his swaying, and as much as they clearly had a script to follow (I will get to that), it felt like it was still a hard one to keep a straight face to (JM was the one that mainly faltered on that part). I guess that was also him finding it hard to stay stoic when JK is being adorable, and even harder to do when you have to read out a script describing something that as is has you a little anxious, and you are JM and think that every single thing that JK does is adorable.

🤣

This announcement was all about them and only them. We know how they are with these announcements with the other 5 around to buffer them. Not only was there none of that here, but this was about them, their show, their travels, their Tokyo (notice how very unalike themselves they were while talking about the Tokyo trip? Trying to be unemotional? Like reading out of a text - which they basically were). This show is not a big deal for them. It's a huge deal. And it's not about 'coming out' or not. This is the first time we are being allowed into their world, just them. Not a few minutes of interaction. A whole show seeing them in what JM described ups and downs (I am very curious to see what that's about). We have seen them in relaxed situations in the past. We had BV and ITS. But that has 7 members with interactions and dynamics amongst the lot. This is just JM and JK the whole time. And even with a shit ton of editing that will surely be going on, we are going to be getting a peek into THEM, and this is something that is a huge deal for them, even more so JM.

This is JM talking about the show, their moments that they will be sharing with us. And think that this is JM talking before Sapporo (not to mention Tokyo which looks like we aren't going to be getting any of in this show - shock - not really).

If there was an unscripted moment in this clip, I tend to think this might have been it. Other than that, I think that the two were pretty much on script.

Now let's address that one for a second shall we?

I do believe this announcement recording was scripted. They weren't doing bullet points. This was too hard for them to come up with off the top of their heads. Situation too charged. So there was a script, that could have even been written by themselves. There were things that needed to be said, points to keep to, especially if it was them having this all squeezed into a neat 1:23 minute clip. And just winging it, even more so on this specific subject matter was not an option (btw, most of their announcements are scripted, we see that, we know that, and this in that sense is no different, although again, this one was, in my opinion, way harder for them).

This clip we got to see today is them being on camera scripted for 1:23 minutes.

And this is them on camera without a script for basically the same amount of time (even less in the one frame).

This, my friends, is a good example as to why they needed not only dot points but an actual script to follow here, lol.

So, you understand now why this HAD to be scripted. Same reason why JM kept denying JK of his wish to have a live together.

Before continuing, just wanted to mention this as well:

The way JK is holding on to his hand (there was absolutely nothing wrong with it, this was just him holding himself back). That was the first thing I thought of when this clip started and JK was standing that way holding his hand. But then I looked again and what did I see? Nothing too significant, just the two mirroring each other in they way they are placing their hands, left hand over right. Not a biggie, just a cutie. At the start of the clip, as seen above. And towards the end of it, as seen below.

Cuties.

Back to the scripting... sorry for getting off track. It's not me it's them.🤣

And then you will say: "well, what's the difference between that (as in the announcement clip) and the show?" and to that I will reply:

"Everything".

The show is them being them, travelling, having fun doing different activities, relaxing, at times forgetting the cameras are even there. They get to be themselves without holding back. Because they know that if they are themselves too much then they have the editing to fall back on. Not to mention the difference between an announcement or a live where the full attention is on the audience, that's us (and if they don't have a script they tend to lose focus on us and focus on each other instead - same reason JM told us in the past why he didn't have JK over for his live - he would be paying attention to him instead of us), and the travel show where the attention is on them and their interactions. In that capacity they are supposed to forget the cameras are there. The cameras are there to document them being themselves, natural, with genuine interactions, which they will be, and we, my friends, are going to enjoy every single second of it.

Back to our announcement clip.

The amount of cuts and probably re-takes they needed here. And even with this obviously scripted message it was hard for them to stay grounded (yes, for both of them).

I see where Bunny is going with this and that cut does feel a heck a lot sus. And it is very possible that JK did say something that flustered JM. Although I do still believe that his "I'm not even sure it's ok to release this" isn't meant for something JK might have said while recording this clip (which had multiple cuts to it as they knew it would), but more so to what was referenced by them as "you'll see us as we are".

And yes, it appears like JM is pulling JK back into frame, but if you watch the full video you see that they were both kind of going in and out of it without JM bothering too much. So why here? First off, I think that JK was a little more jittery at this point, he was stimming more and doing a little of his swaying, which JM calms with a touch at times. Perhaps because this was the 'revealing' part? The one they get into a bit of the nitty gritty of the show? Idk.

But I don't think that was the only reason either. I think JM needed the touch at that moment as well. See how he moves from JK's arm to his nape holding on as he says "I'm not even sure it's ok to release this"... like he needed that reassurance himself as well at that moment.

Idk, to me it felt like JM hand placement was done not only to comfort JK but also himself.

And cut/edit, JM is not holding on to JK anymore...

I guess what I'm trying to convey is that we are used to JM being the one to calm JK, ground him. And although I do think that was the correct assumption in the past, I do think that since 2021 that has changed and JK is to JM as JM is to JK the person who calms or grounds them. JM told us as much in Letter.

We also got to see the two with one single hoop in their left ear.

Was this the same day, or did they just wear the hoops like that their whole Jeju getaway? JK in the photos from their meet up with Tae seems to have another earring in his right ear, so possibly not same day.

And will leave you with this as well to do with as you wish.

Ok, not going to talk your ears off, pun intended.

Just one more little secret to tell you, if I already have you here:

Shh...

Don't tell anybody else, this is between me and you...

These two...

They're in love.

Shh...

You didn't here it from me.

[otogariado]

only halfway thru the new frieren episode i was almost tearing up because the theme of protecting each other and caring about life more importantly than winning is so poignant. not all the characters are human in species but once again the humanity is blossoming in frieren's story. i was so afraid they'd actually get killed last ep but i mean it's so funny now what was i even thinking. this is frieren. they won't kill unless it was really necessary.

the reveal that richter raised the platform not to make his fight with lawline and kanne easier but actually to protect them from denken's attacks was so good. the "magic is nothing if you cannot imagine it" line is so wonderful because i'm a big fan of magic systems that revolve around that logical "science-y" aspect of like. understanding how it will work in order to do it. (same reason why i love the magic in "world's greatest assassin".) laufen getting caught by frieren even though she knows it's a trap just bc she didn't want denken to get hurt was also so good. the reveal that denken didn't have a grander motive to be a first class mage beyond "i wanna go back to my hometown and visit the cementary there but only first class mages are allowed to enter" was so painfully human and so reflective of real life. it also strikes you because he was introduced as a high-profile, politically influential mage.

i love what denken says about not going out without a fight. i love that the episode ends in a fistfight for him. i love it when media uses fistfights and punching in such an emotionally-charged human way, beyond the violence, instead depicting it as some sort of catharsis really. because sometimes all you need is a good rough n tumble. in denken's case, it's his way of not giving up without a fight. i like that. i also like that this was foreshadowed by denken telling laufen to cut the tree down instead of trying to cut the restraint. "we don't have any mana" "neither do they". sometimes all it takes is to find a differently way to approach your problems and sometimes the solution is simpler than you think.

i'm a big fan of frieren breaking the barrier because she thought it was unfair to cut kanna (and by extension lawline) out of her source of magic, giving her an unfair disadvantage and honestly a handicap. it's a short part of the episode but it's so important, because it shows that if people are given the right tools and the accessibility, they can do for themselves what they want and need to do. i love that frieren is like "can you imagine winning against a water manipulating mage with water around? i can't."

i'm a fan of how the "basic" combat and defensive magic are depicted and treated as in this show. yes, people more on from traditions, but traditions are there in the first place. richter's explanation of magic history in their world provides an insight to how modern magic evolved from the foundations. but the foundations were still foundations for a reason. they made it a point with fern saying "frieren doesn't restrict me from spells" (even tho it was the setup for a small joke) that the point isn't to pick a side between tradition vs modern, but rather to learn from both and decide for yourself what you want to apply to yourself. the depiction of fern and frieren winning with traditional magic and richter and kanne overwhelming each other with modern magic makes it clear that the show isn't trying to preach to either side.

i also like the theme of "pursuing magic out for the sake of magic is enough". it's nice to hear that denken shares this mindset with frieren, because again he was introduced as someone influential and you'd think he thinks like he could use magic as a source of power. and that's the impression i got of him too from previous episodes, but a lot of first impressions of mine were proven wrong later and i'm so happy for that bc these characters have so much depth packed into them in so little time.

what else have i missed...

[fortheb0ys]

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTLYeA8Kt/

Okay okay okay

Pet play with Jeff vs Graves would be soo fun to see

Jeff only really gets rough if provoked, feels awful after usually unless it's sex. Then he's probably pretty satisfied, but even then he's really not that rough. Really gotta work him up to being rough, let him blow some steam in a safe environment where he won't be afraid to be "bad."

He has his moments, overwhelmed and probably panicked, especially after Shauna and her "book club." But he's not inherently a bad dog. He's a good boy, just needy and clingy, probably a bit insecure and wary around people.

That biting issue isn't awful after being with him for awhile, probably actually able to train him over Shauna. But sometimes he'll bite if something feels too good or he's frightened, but I can't imagine putting him in his kennel again over it. They're accidents, lost in his head like last time and everyone's learning from it

Graves?

Rough and mean for the hell of it. Is not satisfied by slow sappy shit unless you really work him in, or his day was genuinely terrible. But usually? Graves is wrestling and probably straight up sparring with you for dominance that he doesn't want.

Bites bites bites all the time. You look like you were thrown to the wolves after leaving a session with Graves, cannot train this out of him. It's his god given right as a puppy. Fuck him with a dildo with a knot? It's soo over for him. Eyes rolled back and drooling everywhere. 0 thoughts in this pups brain, literally none at all as he's shooting blanks over and over again.

He's bratty, mouthy. Loves to tease and be pampered. Stressed at work? Scratch behind his ears and coo at him and he's melting away, itching for that weight of a collar around his neck.

Anyways 😭 idk if any of that makes sense but you get to have my rambles anyways!

-🥭

AHHHH I WANNA DIG A HOLE IN YOUR SKULL TO LIVE IN YOUR BRAIN AND EAT YOUR THOUGHTS!! THIS SO PERFECT😭 This is fucking perfect! I'm so sorry if none of this makes sense.

Jeff is gentle natured. Only ever violent when really pushed in a corner or someone's threatening people dear to him. He's definitely not in control of his mouth when he experiences any overwhelming emotions. He would bite his lip, the inside of his mouth or tongue and not realize. He'd start panicing or whine when he taste blood.

He just doesn't like to be treated rough at all. Rough means punishment. He needs reassurance that he's not a bad boy and that no one's mad at him.

I feel like Jeff gets let off the handle more than he should. Don't want to push him and break his trust. He's, for the most part, well behaved. If he does something wrong he's most likely going to beg for forgiveness before he could get reprimanded.

His kennel isn't really for punishment. It's more of a safe space for him. Just plushies and throw blanket. It's only ever punishment if the cage is closed.

He likes everything soft and sweet, especially nicknames. Cute one like buddy, puppy, pumpkin, etc. He loves to be spoiled. Kisses and praises more the material things.

Shauna lets him stay at your place some weekends and as much as he loves spending time with you Jeff questions why Shauna doesn't love him anymore. He definitely soooooo fucking clingy. The type of dog to wait outside the bathroom door.

Shauna probably wouldn't have much patience with training him. Would give up quickly or scold him a little too hard. Gentleness is key in reinforcing Jeff's good behavior.

Graves gives the vibe of one of those pitbulls named 'Cupcake' or 'Princess'. He can be sweet but violence is in his nature. I think he reacts violently because that's how he was treated. He's violent with both play and sex. He'll violent rip apart toys and goes through them so easily. Old wounds can never heal properly cause he just bites over them (I have a fic talking about this actually).

Graves thinks if he does his mission he'll get rewarded but is let down constantly by Shepherd. He'll finish his mission and all Shepherd gives him is a cold pat on the back and his paycheck.

Yes, Graves loves the money but he craves to be praised both cause of his ego and his deep need to be wanted. If someone wants him, they pay.

Shepherd calls him a dog with a bone. He'd somehow learn of Graves' puppy play. Use it against him and for sometime Graves let him. He's loyal to the ones he's close with and it took alot to break that trust. But seeing his men, the ones he views as a pack, die made him snap.

So now with a new 'handler' he's never going to be fully trusting. He gave it away and it backfired.

I think Graves bite more so to show ownership. Yes, he has violent tendencies but he like to see markings. It's way of him keeping some level of control. Plus he just genuinely like to do it.

Graves accept no punishment. If boundaries are crossed or his actions too severe, just go quiet for a few days to scare him. He'll think he'll be abandon and will crawl back. It's a bit cruel but it's the only thing that works.

He has money so spoiling him with gifts isn't going to win any favor. He just wants someone to 'play' with. Honestly he'd probably pay. Of course, most of the paycheck is hush money.

Graves requires a lot of energy burning activity aka sex when in his head space. He's a busy man and doesn't get to relax often. I can imagine his has those heavy chain collar. Chain him somewhere and get him to fuck himself on a knotted dildo while trying to finish work than fuck him for hours after.

[marimeeko]

Unnamed Fix-it fic: Chapter 2! (Post 431, Angst, hurt/eventual comfort, mutual pining and idiocy, BAKUDEKU)

Alright, I'm sending this one. I have had a bit of a war with myself over the sequence of events, but I think I have it figured out. I will continue to be anxious about it though. Lol.

Also I estimate this will be about 5 to 6 chapters. I think. I will try not to get carried away, lmao.

This chapter is admittedly cheesy-sweet but like...whatever, it's fun. 🥲

//Chapter 1//Chapter 2//

"With that, let's take our break for lunch!" Izuku clapped his hands together, cheerfully dismissing his class of first years. The classroom began to buzz, students beginning to sweep all of their worksheets and study materials away into their bags.

"Oh, it's a bit early," Izuku corrected himself, finally checking his watch. The time usually escaped him when he did his lectures, but today it had gone at a stellar pace. "So, does anyone have any last questions before we are all packed up?"

No one thought to raise their hands , so Izuku carried on with erasing the board behind him.

Someone next to the window looked at Izuku and raised their hand and asked,

"Midoriya-sensei, DynaMight hasn't crashed our class to bring you lunch in a while! What's going on?"

"What? DynaMight?" Izuku laughed, thoroughly not expecting that question at all. "Well, he's really busy, and he's working on his own agency now, so I imagine he's off taking care of that!"

The classroom then started to whisper, excitedly, about the prospect of DynaMight having his own agency. Izuku smiled to himself as he got back to erasing the board, thinking fondly about Katsuki having become a favorite of his students. Most kids their age, and even the kids in his class, tended to like more...agreeable, or charismatic heroes, as well as ones higher than Katsuki on the ranking list. Mirio, of course, was quite popular, not just for his power and his record of saving, but for that honest, goofy personality and golden retriever energy.

Katsuki had his audience, for sure, but they skewed typically towards young adult males who liked his powerful quirk and take no prisoners attitude in battle.

However, the students in Izukus orbit seemed to have taken a shine to the bombastic hero. Not that Izuku could blame them...Kacchan was still amazing...

"Midoriya-sensei! Does that mean you're going to go work for his agency??" Kota shouted this time. The classroom went quiet quickly, everyone anticipating the answer.

Izuku froze, hand still raised, eraser pressed to the board.

He had already shown his students the suit that now allowed him to do hero work, and given them a rousing demonstration of how the suit replicated his former powers, and it had honestly been one of his funnest days teaching to have his students try to catch him in it. The kids were inspired to see their legendary teacher back in action, so it was only natural, he supposed, for the kids to have questions on how he intended to do his hero work going forward.

But the question still caught him off guard somehow.

The eraser in his hand finished it's streak as Izuku turned back around.

"Well...I'm a teacher, so my place is with you guys!" Izuku cheerfully explained. "I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to do both..."

That drew mixed reactions from the class.

"You can't just stay in here," Kota suddenly rebuffed. "You're too good, Deku, and you have the suit now! Think of how many people you could save!"

Izuku was floored, but immediately waved away the praise in a panic.

"Kota, wait, hold on, it's not that easy-- and I'm hardly at the level I was back then," Izuku inwardly flinched at how much he sounded like the awkward teenager he used to be, as he turned bright red and his hands waved in front of him. "Kacc--DynaMight and I--"

"You can't deny, though, that you two made an incredible team!" A girl from the other side of the class spoke up, her glowing eyes piercing right through Izuku. "We've all seen the footage from the war, Midoriya-sensei! Y'all were unstoppable against All for One and your chemistry's insane!"

A chorus of students agreed in time with her.

Izuku scratched at the back of his head frantically, "Guys, that was 8 years ago, and we..."

And we have different lives now; he wanted to say, but somehow, the words stuck in his throat.

"Sensei... did you and DynaMight... break up?" Another student with animated hair who always visually reminded him of Burnin piped up.

A very heavy silence seized the classroom, and 20 sets of eyes rounded on Izuku. Izuku could have heard a pin drop, and suddenly realized that even his breath had stopped dead in its tracks. The implication, the words hung uncomfortably in the air.

"I-we...wait... what??" Izuku stammered, trying to inhale again. Green eyes looked around at his students, utterly confused. "You guys, that's not what happened," he tried to laugh, but it came out as sheer panic.

"It would explain why he hasn't shown up to bug you for like, a week..." Kota scoffed with his arms crossed. "He's always acted like a huge jerk."

"Yeah, but not with Midoriya-sensei," another girl countered, whirling around to face Kota. "You've known them the longest, there's no way you can't see how different he acts in our classroom, Kota-kun!"

"DynaMight was here just last week for that communication demonstration!" Came a differing perspective from the elected class president, a stern girl who reminded Izuku so much of Tenya. "Anyway, it really isn't our place to assume about Sensei's personal life, I think this has gone far enough, don't you all?"

"T-thank you, Arisa-San," Izuku thanked the girl, with a deep sigh that was punctuated by the tone of the dismissal bell.

As deeply pulled in to the sudden drama as the students had been, their switch was immediate. Having already packed away, they all got to their feet in a hurry and the clamoring for lunch began. Voices rang past Izuku as they gave their departing thanks for the lesson, and well wishes for lunch, and even a few of them commenting,

"I hope he shows up today, Midoriya-sensei!" "Don't worry, Sensei, it'll work out!"

And the class rep herself stopped on the way out, bowing deeply and apologizing on behalf of her classmates for intruding.

Izuku could do little else than stand there, where his feet had been rooted in shock, waving his beloved students off to their break, bowing his own thanks to the girl. She really was like Iida, he couldn't help but smile.

The noise and chaos filtered slowly out of the room, and Izuku's held breath escaped him in a rushing sigh.

"Where on Earth did that come from?" He weakly mused, melting down into his chair.

It had been almost 2 weeks exactly since he saw Katsuki at the reunion and the subject of the agency had first been broached. True enough that Katsuki had shown up to UA to do that presentation on communication, and it had gone perfect, but had remained mostly business. But the kids were right, and he somehow hadn't realized until now that Katsuki hadn't shown up unannounced with an extra Bento during his lunch hour for several days.

He hadn't realized that it had become such a habit that even his kids were counting on it happening frequently. Somehow, they had noticed the absence of Katsuki barging in their unlocked window, and he hadn't.

Izuku's gaze shifted from the stack of papers he was sorting, to the window in question. All he could see outside of the glass was a perfectly blue sky.

He pushed his chair back and approached the window, and slid it open. It was unlocked, as usual. Katsuki had perfect enough timing somehow that he rarely ever actually interrupted any of his lessons. It's like he waited for the bell.

Izuku pressed his hands into the sill and leaned out, looking out on the city far away from the secluded location of UA. As if he was hoping to spot a far away figure growing closer and louder on his way. He honestly wondered sometimes if Nezu and the security team were aware of Katsuki exploding himself onto campus just to see him. If they were, they hadn't said anything.

Izuku pulled himself back inside, and slid the window gently shut. He found himself missing Katsuki's presence, and now mourning the several days that the absence had gone unnoticed.

But he didn't demand or ask questions of Katsuki. He enjoyed his company on lunch breaks, and the meals he cooked were delicious. He couldn't ask for more from his childhood friend and rival, couldn't be greedy with his attention. If Katsuki had to spend time elsewhere, doing other things, Izuku was far from argument.

Scarred hands lingered on the glass and the pristine frame. Izuku's softened green eyes pointed downward, seeing the image of Katsuki sliding it open, not hard enough to damage, but definitely enough to make an entrance. Sticking one boot in first, the other knee folded up to his chest, face mask pulled back over his forehead, and often smeared in a layer of soot. Izuku could see clearly, the mental image of Katsuki carrying his two Bento, leaning against the frame of the window, with a rough, teasing "OI, Sensei," and a smirk.

Izuku ran his fingers along the frame.

Suddenly, a sadness panged in his chest, because there was no mark of Katsuki being there...he always made sure to clean the frame after lunch... and no sign of him showing up.

Today it would be like the other days, Izuku would head down to the UA cafeteria, a pile of papers in his hands to pour over until the next class would begin. That's just how it was.

"Different lives," Izuku murmured to himself. Then tore his gaze away from the window to get going.

That's all it was...right?

As he passed his desk, he grabbed his Suit Case with the bold, green and black "18" on it, the decal being a memento that had been included when All Might and Katsuki had given it to him. He never went anywhere without it these days.

The metal in his hands, the heft of the technology within, gave him an idea. After all, he had a small window of time later, if he hurried...

--

It was just past sunset when Katsuki finally stopped on the ledge of a building, echoes of his explosions hanging in the air and smoking out of his gauntlets. Breathing only a bit heavy from the workout of flying over the tops of buildings, crimson eyes settled on the streets below.

The afternoon had settled down quite a bit and the evening promised to be calm, at least, from where he stood, mid patrol.

He checked the time, it was a perfect point to stake out the area and take a breather.

As the lights turned on throughout the city, Katsuki crouched into a squat position, and felt the tension ease out of his calves. A lot of running around and responding to incidents earlier had left him feeling the physical strain of the day etching slowly into his muscles.

His stomach grumbled lowly. It had also apparently been a while since his last meal.

He grimaced, he was exceedingly aware that he had forgone taking his lunch hour at UA. In fact it weighed heavy on his mind lately.

There was guilt about it nagging him, he didn't really like avoiding Izuku. But there was also a feeling of necessity, as if he was protecting his peace, as some therapist might tell him.

Or maybe it was Izuku's peace he was protecting. Letting him have that space to do what was special to him...even if it included being away from Katsuki.

He shook his head, blonde spikes flapping around and bangs batting his face, before burying a gloved hand into his hair. What was he even thinking? Protecting Izuku's peace?

It was bullshit and he knew it. He just didn't want to feel hurt when looking at his most important person. But if he was so important, why would he ignore him like this? It was stupid. He knew it was stupid.

He could just hear his father's lectures in his head, telling him there was no reason to think that Izuku and his relationship had to change, just because Izuku told him no. Then his mother chiming in with telling him he was being overdramatic, and most likely an asshole.

Yeah, he probably was, he thought with a puff of a sigh.

But, at the same time, Izuku hadn't really reached out to him much, either. And that made him so much moodier.

A grimace almost overtook his face, before he suddenly heard something behind him-- sounds of footsteps, nimble, but deep, as if they were iron clad. They leapt across unseen rooftops, and punctuated with the sounds of blasting air.

Wait-- he knew those sounds...he knew exactly what made those sounds.

Katsuki turned to look over his shoulder, and sure enough, there was Izuku, bounding gracefully closer, clearing the last gap to the rooftop Katsuki was perched on with a perfectly timed blast of the One For All replica suit. Izuku landed with another "clomp-clomp" of his boots, and jogged across the roof, a huge smile obvious on his face, even through the darkness.

"Kacchan!" He called out excitedly, thrusting a hand up to wave. In his other hand, a dangling plastic bag, Katsuki had to surmise it was from a convenience store.

"Kacchan, so glad I found you!" Izuku panted as he came even with Katsuki, who suddenly found himself on his feet.

"Hey," Katsuki greeted, somehow surprised to see Izuku there. "You took a patrol tonight?"

"Not exactly," Izuku said with one last deep in hale and exhale to catch his breath. "I have plans with Uraraka in a bit, but I wanted to find you, first..." Izuku explained, and then reached for the bag that was swinging on his arm.

Katsuki shoved down the feelings spiking through his heart at the mention of Uraraka.

"I um...I know it's not much, it certainly doesn't beat your cooking! ...and I would try to do better, maybe get some good takeout or something if I had more time, but--" Izuku pulled out a package, clear plastic, containing a trio of rice balls, and held it out to Katsuki. "But I-- I didn't see you at lunch today, or really, in a few days, and I just wanted to make sure..." Izuku was rambling, and he knew it.

Katsuki's wide eyes jumped from Izuku's face, to the offering and back to Izuku, but somehow couldn't find the words. The way the colorful lights from the cityscape played across his freckles, his scar, and his bright green eyes didn't help the feeling that he wanted to lean in...

"I just wanted to make sure that, you know...you got a good meal in?" Izuku finished, voice trailing off as if he was becoming more embarrassed by the second. When Katsuki took a moment to respond, Izuku's cheeks heated up and his confidence wavered.

"I mean...if you have, that's good too, you don't have to take it. You probably had something good earl--"

"Oi, quit muttering, you're gonna drive me insane," Katsuki retorted, but Izuku's heart lightened to hear a subtle fondness behind the commonplace demand. Izuku felt Katsuki's hand weigh down his as he took the offered food, the plastic creaking as it changed hands.

"Actually, I haven't eaten in hours," Katsuki smirked, holding on to the meal as he took a seat on the ledge of the roof, boots dangling down the side of the building. Izuku didn't hesitate to sit down beside him.

Katsuki wasted no time in grabbing the first rice ball and taking a large bite. Izuku watched him with a smile, seeing the hunger Katsuki felt clearly melting away. He then turned and looked out on the city with Katsuki.

For a moment, traffic several stories below dominated the quiet between them.

"It seems quiet tonight," Izuku mused. Katsuki nodded.

"Yeah, or we're just waiting for the other shoe to drop," Katsuki added, around a mouthful of food, his eyes, obscured by his pitch black mask, narrowed suspiciously at the easy shift he had had that day. "Too bad you have a date or whatever with Round Face, something fun usually happens around 8 or 9 when the weirdos come out, you could get some real Hero Work in," Katsuki ribbed, starting in on the second rice ball.

"Oh, I really couldn't, right after that I have to get some coffee and get through a bunch of essays! We have a really busy unit, right now, and it's almost finals!" Izuku cheerfully declared. "But, um...next week....I think I might have a few free blocks of time?"

Katsuki rounded on the final rice ball, and considered his words carefully before saying anything.

"Whatever works, Sensei," he settled on earnest support. "And don't you dare get addicted to caffeine like an idiot. If I catch you with a bunch of 5-Hour Energy garbage drinks like that dumbass Kaminari, it's on sight, Izuku."

Izuku laughed, and smiled so warmly at Katsuki, the blonde thought he might melt. So he looked away as he chewed, feeling his face getting obnoxiously hotter.

"I really did miss you at lunch, Kacchan." Izuku sighed after the fond laughter. "So did the kids, believe it or not! They uh...they actually thought we had broken up. Does that sound like they thought we were dating??"

Katsuki choked on the food in his mouth.

"They what??" Katsuki strained around a couple of coughs. Izuku blushed deeply and looked away.

"Yeah, I uh...they caught me off guard, too." Izuku nervously said. Then he had some realization and looked back at Katsuki with a hint of panic in his eyes. "Oh wait... please, don't let that stop you from coming in, I really do want to see you more, and the kids love you, they mean well, but..."

"Izuku it's fine." Katsuki said, a little harsher than he meant to. He was still so floored. "Let the brats think what they want, I guess. If it bothers you, tell 'em to shut up, be a mean teacher for once."

"Sorry," Izuku whimpered, fingers fidgeting in his lap. "I dont want you to be upset with them, I think I shouldn't have said anything..."

"I'm not upset with them," Katsuki growled. Then sighed, trying not to sound like the angry asshole he knew he could be. He closed his crimson eyes and took a deep breath. Time to try for a little honesty.

"You're important to me, Izuku. So I guess...it's like a compliment," He opened his eyes and stared down at his hands, clutching the empty plastic container, feeling the comfort of his now full stomach. "It means they can see how much I care for you."

"Kacchan," Izuku smiled the warmest smile yet, city lights dancing on his blushing face. "I hope if that's the case, then they can see the same in how I care about you!"

He said it so easily, so innocently, that it killed Katsuki on the inside...but in the warmest, most enticing way.

"And...I do want to work with you more, I promise," Izuku added. "When my schedule opens up, let's coordinate! I'll be able to take a few shifts here and there!"

The offer is still open...Katsuki wanted to say. Please, take it, be my partner, and then go out with me for real. The words pounded on the inside of his head as if they were caged, and demanded to be spoken.

"Literally any time, Izuku." Katsuki said softly. He hoped, selfishly, that there was enough heart and meaning inflected in his words that even Izuku would catch it. If he could just beam it into the skull under all of those green curls, he would.

For a moment, their gazes connected, and that was all Katsuki needed, to see those expressive doe eyes focused on him, and him alone. Izuku, even at 25 years old, had no idea how beautiful he was, and was anyone going to tell him?

Would Uraraka tell him?

Abruptly, the moment ended, and Izuku pulled out his phone, eyes widening immediately.

"Kacchan, I do have to go, though, sorry," Izuku apologized, and jumped to his feet. Katsuki followed after, ready to see him off, despite the disappointment. Truth be told, he had been in one spot too long himself and needed to move his patrol along.

"Don't go for any of the crap in the cafeteria tomorrow, nerd," Katsuki ordered Izuku gruffly as the quirkless hero knelt in a few stretches before him. He held out the plastic container from the rice balls, and Izuku accepted it into the bag he still held, promising wordlessly to dispose of the trash. "I'll pay you back for the food today and then some."

Izuku lit up the rooftop with one final smile.

"I got it, Kacchan!" He chirped, and turned with a flip of his yellow cape, and started heading off with a final wave over his shoulder. "I look forward to it!"

Katsuki watched as Izuku took off, teal lights from the suit streaking off into the dark and once again bounding across rooftops and alleyways.

He grabbed the back of his neck with a hand, and warmed up his hand just a bit, enough to swallow some of the tension in the muscles. Turning back towards his city watch, he thought to himself that maybe his dad was right...he could still be with Izuku even if it wasn't quite what he had imagined.

With a figurative and literal leap of faith and confidence, Katsuki took a step and plunged off the roof, igniting his quirk with loud, popping explosions and shooting off into the night.

---

(To be continued)

* I also realize that I initially wrote this with the wrong timeline in mind; so correction: when Katsuki said that it had been a week since he'd given Izuku the suit, it had actually been a month according to 431 itself. This is currently about 2 weeks after the reunion dinner. Izuku at this point has had the suit for about a month and a half, then. Sorry for the mistake!(I had started writing a bit before the translations started becoming reliable)

* in another vein, I am going to address the convo in the car and the whole sidekick/partner thing, just kind of with my own interpretation how it went and how it was MEANT to be received by izuku, bc that is the biggest gripe i have about 431 as we all know. But that conflict is for next chapter.

*at the risk of this chapter being too cheesy, I included like, half of a silly idea I had in a previous post of mine where all the kids hear that izuku has a date planned, and they assume that it's with Dynamight. So when they hear that it's with uravity instead, they are shocked and immediately think that the worst has happened and Bakudeku broke up, despite Izuku telling them that they weren't a couple.

*cheesy or not, though, the fluff is a nice reprieve from all the angst 🥲

***hope you enjoy! Next chapter whenever I can manage it!

[rougepearl]

Chapter 1: Don't Fall,

❝𝘼 𝙣𝙚𝙬 𝙡𝙞𝙛𝙚 𝙬𝙞𝙡𝙡 𝙗𝙚 𝙖𝙩 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙘𝙤𝙨𝙩 𝙤𝙛 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙤𝙡𝙙 𝙤𝙣𝙚. 𝘽𝙪𝙩 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙡𝙡𝙮 𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙙𝙮 𝙩𝙤 𝙜𝙞𝙫𝙚 𝙖𝙡𝙡 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙪𝙥?❞

Obsessive Behavior, Manipulation, Foreshadowing, Dark Content, Alcohol, References to Drugs, Misunderstandings, Out of Character, Kissing, House Party, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Relationship Issues, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat

𝐍𝐢𝐤𝐨𝐥𝐚𝐢 𝐱 𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ Wordcount: 15,795

“Hi this is Katy Reeves, and today police still have not given us an update on identifying said body that was just found yesterday in a gruesome attack in an empty alleyway.”

“Reports say that the body was first found on the ground around two in the morning, when a group of young high school skaters were on their way back home after being late out at night.” 

“But an anonymous witness that reported soon later after seeing our first broadcast, sent police a photo of what seems to be the body pinned onto this same concrete wall, with knives deep into their shoulders holding the body up against the wall.

 With smeared writing from the same victim reading the words ‘For’ abbreviated in the number 4 and the letter ‘U.’ 

Allegedly this victim was a close friend. What police are trying to understand is that when arriving at the scene after reports from the boys, there were no traces of blood on the wall nor any weapons found. 

But the same wounds… still in place.”

”Lets go over to Harold, to see a closer view of the current scene and what the skater boys have to say. Harold we’ll go over to you-“

You turn the TV off, you don't want to remember what the place even looks like. 

Currently, you were staying over at your other friend's house.  You're too scared to go back to your old apartment. Afraid that if the psychopath found out who you were, you'd be a danger too…

Looking over at the clock you see the time. It reads a quarter before three. “Shit…” You had almost forgotten that you had a meeting with a police detective today, even though they did tell you to try coming in early. 

Grabbing a black coat you had hanging on the edge of your bed, in an attempt to keep your identity hidden. ’Who knows who could be out there…’

Once you had arrived at the station, you made sure to check around to see if anyone had seemed suspicious. 

Walking inside you see the amount of people waiting around in the main lobby, knowing you were probably gonna be here a long time. In search for an open seat you hear someone call out your name 

“Y/n?” Turning your head over, you see a man in a dark brown suit right behind a guarded door. “Ah, there you are… I need you to come with me.” He motions his hand asking you to come along, while he holds the door open.

You walk inside, going through many rooms only to end up in a hallway with many doors. 

“-Please I'm begging you. You need to find out what happened to my son!!” The voice of an elderly woman can be heard from across. She catches your attention, holding a picture in her frail hands as she pleads to a trio of officers. 

She seemed on the verge of completely breaking down and crying. 

Slowly, you walk away but not taking big strides in your steps. “Joe, go unlock that room. Take her to room #12 and write down what she has to say.” One officer is seen telling another. as he pats his shoulder.

As you're walking, you try to get a glimpse of her ‘son’ in the photo. Almost breaking your neck in an attempt to see at least the face… “Y/n, over here!!” Cut off by another voice, the man you were supposed to follow directs you to enter the investigation room. 

He sits down in his chair, adjusting himself. ”Have a seat… Care for a water?” Shaking your head, you reject politely. “No, thank you.” You take a seat down in the chair in front of the small desk, scooting away a bit as the sun hits your face. 

“Detective Adam Freeman by the way.” He takes his hands and shakes it, kind of feeling awkward. 

“Do you know why you're here today Y/n, L/n?” He says as he's seen pulling out a small yellow paper lined notebook and a pen.

“Uhm… It's about the photo I sent the other day.” 

“Correct. Now, my team needs you to try to remember all the details possible as this might help with another case we have going on. So any information helps” He rests his arm on his desk waiting for you to speak, the pen in his other hand. Ready to jot down anything

“Oh uhm… I guess I have some things…” He nods, ready to hear anything and everything “Good. But first, what were you doing before this incident?”   You pause for a moment, staring right into nothingness.

“Well, I had gone to the grocery store earlier. Got stuff like fruits, needed a lighter for a candle and I-“ He picks up the pen and begins to write something on the paper. Shit did you say something wrong? “And…I left the store with just those things…” 

“What time did you arrive back home?” “Around 9 o'clock.” 

“Was there anything weird on your way back home?” You shake your head. 

“What about…any weird things happening before all of this?” 

Your eyes slowly jart up to meet his. “Bingo!” 

“Tell me about it Y/n… This is the place for you.” 

You swallow a bit before speaking…Knowing he would still hear the nervousness in your voice either way. “Well, I would see strange things around my apartment. Like… I would leave my laptop open but sometimes returning back it would be closed and in a different place”

“…Chores around the house mostly. My plants would be freshly watered, dishes would be clean, stuff like that.” 

His gaze on you continued, waiting for more to pour more out. But the way his contact with you… seemed heavy. And made you more curious as to whom this information could be referred to. 

“You know…This thing that keeps me up at night… I had a feeling someone would enter my house and leave before I would wake up in the middle of the night.”

“I always used to find small scraps of paper notes around, I have a feeling someone actually might be. I always try to reassure myself that isn't the case but- I just can't anymore.” 

He begins to jot down some more stuff on the paper, only hearing the smooth sound of the pen sliding across the paper. “Any bruises?” You shake your head. “Diagnosed medical conditions?” “No” 

“Where do you currently reside?” “I'm with another friend right now.” ”Any description of the man regarding your friend's death?” A slow nod 

He picks up his pen again, eager to hear more about your story. ”Whenever you're ready.”     

“He looked tall… I saw him wear all black clothing…I know it's not very helpful but it's all I know.” 

“Hm… I'm not really seeing any pattern here then…”

He sighs a bit before he crosses his arms and leans back on his chair.

”That’s okay though. I'll just set your report as a separate case. “

He rips the paper out of the notebook and begins to tidy up a bit. Handing you the white paper copy that was underneath the yellow one. “Don't lose that alright. Now… give me just a second.” 

From below he pulls out a bunch of stuff from underneath his desk alongside a grey silver folder. 

He places a medium sized box on top of the desk and takes a quick look. Making sure it's the right one.  

As he opens the inside of the grey folder, you notice the dozens if not  tens of polaroids, including a bunch of written documents that all seem to all have a small white square box on the top right corner with the fingerprints of certain people.. 

Heating the ruffling sound of the bags, he pulls out three specific bags. Eyes widening when you catch a glimpse of what's inside one of them.. 

“Alrighty’…Here we got these.”

He sets them down in a coordinated order, making sure they can be seen without being opened

“Please be aware any material cannot be taken out of this room, or even spoken of. In an attempt to do so, this room is being recorded and so is this conversation. This is also for the sake of our public's safety” His voice lowers down “… and your safety.” 

You nod, and he begins to go from left to right with the contents.

Still turning your head around the room trying to figure out where the recording device may be…

“Okay, do you recognize this?”

  “It's just a common pen with blue ink leaking everywhere?” He turns the bag to the side to further examine “Anything else?” 

”Theres- theres a jagged piece right there.”

“And this! This was found in the small pocket of their shirt. Right on top of their heart.” He says as he motions with his hands a stabbing object right into his chest, not helping much.

That must mean the death wasn't directly from injury, but maybe toxic chemicals from a pen?

He sets that one aside and brings out the one on the far right side of the desk “We’ll ignore that one for now, I'm assuming this one concerns you the most.”  He chokes out the last part out

”Yeah-Yeah, because it's mine.” “This retractable knife?” He grabs the bag from the sides bringing it up to you, waiting for an answer. 

”Yeah it's mine. They said they needed one because they were going to be late out at night in the downtown region.” Shaking your head relentlessly trying to deny any suspicions of you. 

He eyed you oddly, implicating something in his mind. Making you slam your hands on the desk and raise your posture “I would never attempt to murder my own friend, I gave it to them for their safety!” 

A voice crack can be heard. As you deeply try to get rid of that image from your head, but it only seems to replay, especially right now. 

Senses coming back to you, you sit down anguished. Darting your eyes to the side to avoid contact.

“Oh god… I'm a horrible person for letting this happen.” “Y/n, No- No you're not…” He places his hand on top of yours as he says that.

Fixing your glance to see him with tear filled eyes, He takes a deep breath, feeling pitiful for you. 

“Well catch this guy.” 

“Don't worry, we will” 

_____ 

After what had been like hours, you were finally able to leave the station. Currently you were heading to your workplace. 

Although your boss had told you to take a paid break from work, you didn't want to sit around and be constantly reminded of what had happened. 

Luckily the same button shirt you had on, could be used as a uniform.

The pants were apart of the dress code, maybe if the shoes were a darker shade of brown too, but you doubt your boss would mind.

Walking through the cold air with your head down, holding down onto your coat trying to not let any of the breeze enter through your sleeves. 

You wouldn't want to be sniffling around clients' plates.

As you arrive at the small but spacious place, you take a deep breath, preparing yourself for the rush that's about to come. 

Entering an alleyway, you walk over to a metal door, knocking on it.

Not too far away from an enormous empty bin that's waiting to be filled by the end of today.  

As the door opens you greet your co-worker as he allows you in. 

Just taking a step inside, you immediately hear a familiar voice.

“L/n, Catch!!” A bowtie is thrown in your direction falling onto the floor since you didn't react quick enough. Picking it up from the floor you adjust it onto your neck, and turn your attention back to the girl who threw it over in the first place.

“Do I look good? No flyaways, nothing?” 

“Yes, yes you do! Now hurry, those plates over there need to go to table 5 by the windows.” 

Nodding in response you head over to the counter and grab the three plates, placing them on a tray. 

Walking past the kitchen doors you instantly take in all the people seated who are laughing or doing some chitter chatter. 

That was one thing you always noticed around here. 

That there was always a huge difference in the rich and in the poor. Behind the kitchen doors, was the majority of society. 

Working ass, in hopes to make a living. 

And to the opposite was stress-free. Those that came in would have reservations ready. Sit at a table, and have a fool working at their pleasure. 

Noticing some of your co-workers coming to work tired. 

Barely alive to the point where they could stay awake.

By the time the hours shift was done, everyone would go home dreadful. 

It is also why you never picked the daytime or bar time schedule. 

It was the best if not maybe better schedule than the other two shifts available.

After giving people their plates, you head back to the main entrance of the restaurant , awaiting for new guests to seat them. 

Even if there was just an hour or two before you could leave…even if you didn't want to-

“L/n, Jen clocked out early, she had to take care of something, go take over that table by the window in the corner.” 

“But I'm still serving plates-“ “I don't see them? Now go.” You sighed in annoyance at your bosses request. Going back inside to the dining room itself, not even caring to look for the table. As it catches your attention by the young gentlemen looking around. 

“Weird…” Muttering, you walk over with a pen and a small notebook in your hand. 

”Good Evening, my apologies but I'll be serving you now, your old one had to take an early out.”  His eyes are the only thing you can pick up slightly as he is looking across the menu, almost covering his entire face

“So anything to drink for now?”

He lowers the menu down and places it on the table flat. He stares at you for a little before he looks down. With his finger he points to the corner of the menu 

“Thursday's Special please.” 

“Got that, anything else?” “No that’ll be all.” 

“Gotcha’ I'll be back in a few minutes.” You grab the small menu from the table and walk back over to the kitchen. 

As you made it back over, you and a couple others around noticed one of the main chefs going on break early. In a rush to head outside with their phone on a call. 

You looked around and saw others doing the same, wondering what was probably going on.

”Think it's an emergency?” “Probably… She usually never goes on break early.”

”I'll get on the dishes then in the meantime.”

”Ay, I need a special.” “Add an extra plate as well.” You shouted across the kitchen hoping the ones tending to the food would hear. 

“Got it.” 

Either way, no matter what you did, those around seemed to always ask why you would still show for work. 

But a work friend was always there to stop rumors from spreading

“Stop being so nosy.” 

“Y/n, you don't have to tell us anything.” He times a small pat on your shoulder before he tells you the food is ready. 

Grabbing the plate and going back out into the dining room. Instantly locking eyes with the man in the corner as you head over to his table.

“Here ya’ go. Anything else I could serve you with sir?” 

“I'm good, thank you. “ But before leaving to go and attend other tables he begins to speak again. “Your names Y/n? Right?” 

A tedious feeling overcomes you and to your stomach for a bit, as you’ve never met this man ever in your life before. But trying to keep your cool and respond with a smile on your face. 

“I've heard about you… From a friend.” He says as he grabs the spoon from the table and begins to eat his meal  ”Hah…hah… really now?” 

“Yeah… I didnt think you would work here! How splendid, I might just come here more often.” 

The smile on your face can't be contained any longer a bit, you had to find an excuse. ”Yeah… Sorry but I have to go to other tables if you could please excuse me-.” 

Just as you're about to leave his voice is heard again “Sit down, I insist.”

‘Ugh, just let me go freak.’

”Oh I wish I could but I’d get in trouble sir and I-“ “Trust me you wont…” He reaches into his inside pockets of his coat and pulls out a small folded amount of money wrapped in a rubber band.  “This should cover it right?” 

Staring at the folded money and taking a closer look without leaning in too much, you see the wrapped band to be in hundreds. 

“I guess so… But let me talk to my boss first.” He grabs onto your arm again. “Don't worry I already did. Please sit!” 

Seeing how no excuse could get you out of this, you finally decide to pull the other chair out and sit down. 

This was awkward, you were getting stares from people around who noticed the situation going on. How unfortunate 

His hand slides the rolled and wrapped band over to you, before speaking again. “From the roll, keep 400 to yourself, don't let anyone know. The rest split it evenly amongst your little work friends.”

“But isn't this too much?”

He smirks as he places his spoon down on the charger plate, creating a loud ring to be heard before looking back at you “Trust me Y/n…” 

“You'll need it…” 

____

What a creep!

As the shift ended, you began to pack your bag alongside the other workers.  As the bar shift employees started to slowly roll in through the kitchen door as the clock kept getting nearer to the twenty third hour.

Normally you'd be glad that your six your shift would be over, but all your mind could keep replaying was that man and his words. 

He made you sit with him for a whole two hours, and all he would talk about is classicals, literature, before going on a rampage about how he truly has no friends.

His whole idea of friends was using acquaintances to get his needs, and to get out alive. 

And if you thought he’d be quiet about it, you'd be wrong. He was talking loudly, making sure those around who wanted a good eavesdropping would hear. 

By the time he decided to leave, you ran back to the kitchen and everyone had been asking what happened…

But he kept you wondering what he meant by you being in ‘others hand.’

“So? Tell us!” Head out of the clouds you turn back over to the three people packing up for the night who were eager to know what happened. 

“I…-I don't know, actually.”

”Oooo I think someone has a crush!!” “God please don't say that.” 

Almost done packing your work clothes inside your bag, you almost forgot what he had told you to do.

You pull out the stash of money he had given you, handing it over to one of your peers “Here, he told me to share this amongst you guys.”  

Looking up from your hand, you see their awestruck faces “Is something wrong?”

”…We were already given 500 each for the night, I think that's meant for you… I'm not sure but keep it hidden from the others. Or else they'll fight you over it”

“Yeah… Just keep it, think of it as a 800 dollar tip!”

”You know what,,, yeah you're right.” Sighing, you place it at the bottom of your tote bag. 

“I'll be leaving then, see you guys next week” “Bye!” “Bye bye”

Grabbing your bag and placing it over your shoulder, you head out into the dark city once again.

The sky that is supposedly filled with stars that you couldn't see due to your city's light pollution. 

The hours when danger would lurk around the most.

But is it really dangerous if you knew everything and have been living here your whole life?

Thankfully the rail system in your city ran as late until past midnight. So you'd usually just wait at a stop and hop on. 

Walking alone at night wasn't that bad, it gave you time to relax and actually take a walk. 

Wander through your thoughts about life, freedom, and dignity. 

But you do have to thank your boss as well, as he knew the dangers at night. 

Which is why you and the others were provided with the dark hoodies, black masks, and any sort of garment that could cover anything specific. 

Especially since there's been recent reports of missing people.

Violence in crime rates had only increased since the last two years. 

Although nothing ever happened.

That never meant you were a hundred percent safe.

At some point,

You were always able to hear the faint footsteps of someone behind you. They always seemed to be around 20 feet away from you all the time. 

At some point you tried believing it was someone ‘protecting’ you. But one would be in delusion if they actually thought that. 

Although, you vividly remember this one night. 

You haven't ate anything and your boss gave you a small wrapped sandwich from the leftover ingredients. Eating it on your way to the station you remember encountering a stray man who kept yelling at you. 

Demanding to give your sandwich to him. 

Due to your clothes you came off as a man.

Resulting in getting a whopping ‘light’ punch on the bottom lip.

This is why you could never be left alone, because then you'd get lost in thought and lose reality for a second and later be some victim of some attack; Verbal or physical. 

Especially when it comes to people, judging their habits. Whether they were good or bad. It always led you to the same conclusion that not all people were born corrupt, but some maybe just had a bad experience that led them to that fraction in life…

But if bad experiences lead them to that demise, why are you the way you are? Should you be like the rest, or should they be more like you? 

You thought you knew a lot about people, but you couldn’t be sure. You never wanted to speak up on what your feelings were. Or ever ask any questions regarding these same feelings. 

Some days you would just ignore it. Ignore the feeling of nostalgia from doing something relatively similar years and years ago. 

It was a tender yet bittersweet thing. 

To be able to remember the past, but still enjoy the things that would soon come to the current ‘future’ you had dreamed of before. 

It was so weird, how so many years of living still wouldn't be able to dismiss the body’s soul on the inside 

Arriving at your friend's apartment, you drag your body over to the couch and take some time to finally relax. “God… today was so tiring and weird and- ugh…” 

Whilst laying down on the couch, you realized how distant you’ve been with your friend lately. She was probably asleep in her room by now. And if she wasn't it was probably because she went over to her boyfriends instead. She was always out of the house for your own comfort.

Since she wants to make sure you have your “own little place” to hang around safely for now, until you can find another apartment. Cause there was no way you were going back to your old one…

Finally turning your head over to look at the ground, contemplating on whether you should clean or not, with further inspection you see scraps of paper and dust around the center 

Maybe your friend stopped by.

Upon cleaning up with a broom and a dustpan picked up from nearby, throwing the mess away in the trash can inside one of the kitchen counters.

God your legs were sore from too much walking. 

Right now… all you wanted was rest.

Peace and quiet.

_____

Attempting to stay awake early in the morning on a Sunday isn't easy. After all, it was your fault. While your friend was about to head out, she asked if you wanted to tag along. 

But instead you decided to schedule a meet with Adam at this open cafe nearby, having the desire to talk with him about something urgent from memories from a last couple of nights 

Entering the cafe looking around, you don't see him anywhere. Still you proceed to go ahead and form in line. 

Stepping to the front of the small line you are greeted by a young girl who seems to be wearing a cute kind of hairstyle with all sorts of hair accessories.

”Hi what can I get ya’?” Looking up at the menu, the majority of it is just the same kind of coffee with extra add-ons. 

It was a cafe after all, but the fruity drinks are what mostly caught your attention. “Just a strawberry smoothie please.” 

“Gotcha, will that be all?” Nodding in response you grab the money from the back of your phone case. “Total will come out to 6 25…”

Handing her a large bill, you notice her cheerful smile turn into an awkward one.

”Oh…I'm so sorry I don't have any change right now. Do you have a smaller bill?”

“Uhm… Let me check, hold on!!” 

As you're turning a bit to the side you check your pockets, you hear the bell of the door ring a couple of times, signaling more customers coming in and standing right behind you. 

You even checked your phone case again, in hopes something might appear. 

‘Fuck’

Tough luck… Seemed like you wont be getting anything today. 

Looking back at the young girl who just stood there waiting, you sigh before uttering slowly

“…I'm sorry I don't seem to have anything-“

A man in all black steps up to the front, catching your attention

”I got you, charge mine. Make sure to add a black coffee there too.”

Not seeing anything but the back of a tall man with his phone out near the reader. 

“Thank you! Your orders will be ready in a bit!” She goes to the back and in no time starts preparing the drinks.

The mysterious man walks away from the front of the store and makes his way to the few tables and chairs. 

“Hey!” He stops in his steps, not turning around yet. 

Just as he stops, you feel a weird gut feeling about him for a second, but you still went ahead and continued on. “I just want to say thanks for paying for my drink, I don't know what I would’ve done there.” 

“Honestly it almost seems like you're an angel here to save my life.” You hear chuckling coming from the man, he turns to face you and instantly you strucken back. Eyes widening slightly at seeing him.

“It was no problem Y/n.” 

You try to awkwardly laugh it off but the small light bulb of realizations hits you… “Haha…Wait, how do you know my name?” Asking him as you point his finger at him.

‘Hm? Oh you don't know?” 

Shaking your head he chuckles lowly. Something feels off, but you arent sure. Maybe its just the idea of meeting a new person, yeah. But someone who knows your name before you even say something…?

“You submitted that photo to that news agency didn't you?” After saying that he notices the  visible uncomfort on your face. 

Lowering his voice to a much calmer one.

”News reporters found out who you were, they were just talking about you earlier this morning.” 

“Don't tell me you didn't notice people looking at you today did you?” He crosses his arms ”No not really.”  “Hm”

”One black coffee and a smoothie!” Can be heard yelled out from the front of the store.

”Here uhm, find us a seat and I'll tell you everything about it. I'll grab our drinks. Got it?” 

He assures you and walks off 

“...Mm, yeah sure.” You say under your breath as he leaves for a second.

Walking over to a small little table right by the window that shows a view of the street and the city, you can only wonder how its even legal in any way for them to have posted your name without you even knowing…

Who knows what else was shown… God this was not going to go well was it…

Just as you ponder in thought, your phone chimes. 

Seeing the message from Adam, saying he won't be able to make it, at least not today.

”Hm…” 

Swiping and beginning to type a response, trying to keep professional l with him. If only you were able to see the distressed look on your face

’Something wrong? Boyfriend issues or what?” Looking up from your phone you see the man with his drink and yours. Placing your phone down instantly trying to deny any assumptions.  “No, no. Not at all. Just a friend.” 

“Ah, just a friend? Those never go well. Just the way you were looking at your phone and stuff.”

”Oh no no no. I don't have one, at least not yet…” 

“Wow, I'm surprised. You seem like the type to have guys fawning over ya’ ”

You could only gawk at his statement, trying to not seem uneasy around him. 

“The name is Nikolai by the way.” 

“Y/n… but it seems you already know that.” You smile at him, and all he can do is only reciprocate. 

“So… Nikolai, right?” Hearing a small mhm from his lips. You proceed to continue 

“Where did you even hear about what you were telling me earlier?” 

“Oh right, I was walking downtown in some store I was at earlier had it playing”

He becomes aware of how you're hearing him closely. Not really moving your attention elsewhere.

“They were recapping stuff that had happened before. Trying to shine light on it. Then youre name and face were shown.” 

“Did they show that photo again?... You know the one with the-"   "It was censored but your name and photo id weren’t!” 

He seemed way too joyous towards the end of saying that. 

“But I've seen worse.- Uhm, not like that. I just happen to live in those lofts near. Police had shown up and said we couldn’t host anymore parties, saying it may disrupt the hunt…” 

“-Wait wait wait, the big buildings? You're that rich enough for a loft but you get coffee from here?” You speak as he grabs his cup and takes a huge sip.

“Well, the coffee is good here isn't it?” He smirks as he licks the corner of his mouth a bit. You try to ignore that part and wonder more about what this man possibly has.

“Places change, people change. I like stuff that keep true to themselves.” 

Silence fills the air for a little, while he takes another sip of his coffee and your hands are fiddling with the straw inside the plastic cup. 

Nikolai decided to break that silence by asking another question, regarding information about the situation you were going through.

”About your problem by the way, I could help you. I know some people around these areas that are well into this kind of stuff.” He spoke as his finger poked your shoulder. 

“I'm not sure… I just kind of want to do my own thing. I'm afraid they might find my new place…” 

“New place?”

”It's not actually mine, it's a friend she's uh- shes uhm how do I say this… She’s basically letting me stay there until I get this solved out. But she's usually almost never home.” 

His eyes widened a bit, looking surprised. “Really? How come?” 

“She's letting me stay like … Like an air bnb sort of thing.” 

Quick to respond he tilts his head a bit to the side “Where does she go then?”  “Usually with her boyfriend. He has an apartment and she says I'm also doing her a favor as well, since she's also been trying to move in with him as well.” You look down at your drink. Continuing to swirl it around.

You could feel his gaze upon you, but you don't mind. He sighs, proceeding to look at the window staring at the ambience ahead. But eventually his face brightens up, almost as if he had an idea. 

“Hey I got a solution for you. “ “Hm?” 

“See I don't just own one loft but I own a couple in this one place. I could maybe find a reasonable deal and get you moved in! How does that sound?” He grins, his face close to yours but you don't really notice as the thought lingers in your head. 

Leaning back just a bit though. 

“I wish, but I dont think even a ‘ reasonable price ‘ would be available in my pockets.” You joke around, letting out a small chuckle. 

Soon enough, you see Nikolai beginning to look around the place. Looking back at you trying to hint something at you. 

“Place is starting to get packed, want to go on a walk or something?” You say, looking up at him. He only smiles

While you two are walking down the sidewalks, admiring the taller buildings, suddenly you're both getting stopped by a man who seems to be in a rush. 

“Excuse me, sorry, but do you know where this place is?” 

The man shows his phone to you, with a message showing an address. 

“Oh yeah it's-.” Getting cut off, Nikolai redirects the man the other way.  “Go down the street, make a left, it's the blue restaurant.” 

“Thank you!” He says as he begins to head over in a hurry

Nikolai continues walking, almost leaving you behind. But you catch up to him and begin to walk at his pace. ”How did you know?” 

“Hm?”

”How did you know where that was at?” ”Oh that place? I have a friend that likes that place. Why something the matter?” 

He looks down slightly grinning at you, “No I was just wondering, because I work there that's why?” 

“Oh really, what are you like the cook? Bartender? Ooo owner?” He laughs towards the end, only making you laugh too 

“I wish, I'm just a waitress, a host whatever you wanna call it. Nothing special.” 

A confused look sets on his face

“...Hm, that doesn't make sense…”   “Huh? What doesn't?” 

”Last time I went I saw everyone’s face but yours? Don't tell me you're trying to impress me by saying you work at that fancy place?” 

“What! No, no… I do work there! I'm just on paid leave until you know… my situation calms down. But I do go once in a while, just to get my mind off things!” 

He hums before he speaks again, this time seeming more genuine. “ Y/n…Do you even know where we're going?” 

Looking up at him responding “No, I don't actually.”   “Great! Cause neither do I.” 

You laugh at his remark and you continue to clutch your hands around your body since it was a pretty chilly day, the sun isn't out, it was rather cloudy with the sky being a soft shade of light grey. 

But it wasn’t that cold, still you didn't bring a jacket so you were shivering like a little cold bird in the winter.

While he was talking about something specific, you weren't paying attention but much rather wondering how you’ve never met Nikolai before, like in a run-in. Or by coincidence.

Usually you're better with faces than with names. But like he said, he lives on the high roofs while you have your little tiny apartment.

Makes you wonder what he does for a living…

Maybe he could fill you in on that too

As you both continued walking, he asked if you wanted to sit down somewhere and you agreed by that one small little center in the middle of the city, where the view of most buildings were nice.

Once he had found a spot to sit at and talk about random stuff, you couldn't get this one question out of your head regarding himself.

”Hey Nikolai… Don't take this personal but what's up with the uhm…” Motioning your finger around your eyes, he took it as a shock, almost like he forgot what he even looks like. 

“Oh my eyes?” A sigh comes from his mouth, soon to be followed by a joyful smile. “Everyone asks about them. I actually don't know either. “ 

“And what about the scar-” ”Long story.” 

“Huh? You're not gonna tell a dramatic story?” 

“Nope.” He emphasizes a popping sound at the end “And ‘ dramatic? ‘ It was anything but dramatic.” 

He rolls his eyes a bit in a playful manner.

Bringing your head up, you point your finger to his head. “And the hair?… Did you dye it?” 

“What is this an interrogation?” He laughs at you before continuing  “Short story actually, it was an accident. “ 

“Accident?” 

“In my earlier years someone tried dying my hair a lavender color as a prank, which didn't work out.

”Oh… It never grew out? “ “Nope.”

Silence fills the air again, the birds chirping and the leaves swaying could be heard, until he decides to bring out a question as well

“And you? Why’s your hair like that?” 

That came out of nowhere.

“Huh? What do you mean?” Placing your hand over your head touching your hair. “It's all messy, is it a new look I'm not aware of?” 

You instantly started to pat your hair down with your hands out of embarrassment “No I just- no what!” 

Catching you off guard again, he pats your shoulder

“I'm just messing with you!” 

His laugh dies down eventually, and takes a deep breath of the cold air and breathes it out. Still giggling a little. 

While he does that you take a chance to really take a close look at him.

His eyes were really deep, you can hint that out from the side. But you can also see his nice lashes that he has. The way they compliment his mismatched eyes. 

”Not gonna say anything? What’s got you starring?” Your face becomes heated as if you didn't think he would actually notice. “I'm sorry I didn't mean to…” 

“That's why I'm laughing! God you're fun to mess with.”

The teasing only continued until you decided it was way too cold outside, and wanted to go home now. 

He heard of this and in result gave you his black coat he had on, and then asked if you wanted a ride home 

You told him it was fine, that you would walk alone. It wasn't that far away

But Nikolai insisted on taking you home

“So this is your old spot?” 

“Yeah, it's a really small place but I find it comforting…” You two gaze above at the small apartment complexes. 

“Hey it's better than nothing, at least yours doesn't have music playing twenty four-seven.” 

He begins to pick up his pace leaving you behind for a little. 

“Huh? Hey wait!” You run a bit to catch up to him 

Continuing on your way to your current place, you two talk endlessly about how different each other's lives were. 

Nikolai would always bring up how it's almost never quiet where he lives. He mentions that the people below him are always getting ‘turned on’ whatever that means. 

Until he specified in a party-like way. 

He would talk about these lavish parties that only invited people could enter, but how after one they allow anyone in with as long as they had something to contribute.  

“It wouldn't be your kind of thing honestly.” He says, as he continues to ramble on.

Especially about how he lived. 

Though it was fascinating to hear. Realizing how differently a person could live from another even being from the same place.

You did catch one thing about him though. He never once mentioned ever taking a day to go to work.  

He just decides to go to places if he feels like it . 

But he's also a man with genuine feelings. “You know, in my free time I tend to take care for these two plants I have.” 

“But they're not in my home, rather in a separate place to really preserve them.” 

“Really? What kind?” 

He ignored your question, swerving around it

“Just some special ones of some sort”

It was almost like he didn't want to talk about himself, so he would ask questions about you. 

Little questions that would soon unfold into deeper questions that you didn't even know he was playing at. 

You were glad that by the time he would ask more personal questions, you were already at your current stay. 

You had even made him let you go just 10 feet away from the entrance lobby. 

But still waited for you to get inside safely. 

“I'm home!” Not a word from your friend was ever heard. 

So you assumed she was probably staying with her boyfriend again, since she only usually updates you on certain stuff. 

As evening set upon, you had kept chatting with this ‘new’ guy you had met just before Nikolai.

From months of knowing him he seemed to be sweet. 

Though he did have a bit of an ego towards you. 

But if you remember correctly he was most likely trying to start an attorney business, of some sort…or something along those lines. 

You have gone out with him a couple times before. Most of the time it was events that happen on those nice streets, like the markets, pop ups, and just hanging around each other. But really just as friends. 

However, one time he seemed nervous around you, and that was because he was stuttering to ask you if you could be his plus one, again.

’To what?’ You remember asking him, and he had mentioned some gathering that he was invited to. 

Of course you told him yes! Even if you hated them, you just wanted to be around him more often. 

So for the next two days, you were wanting for the first of December to come by already. 

Though you were still concerned about Nikolai, what would you do with him? 

There was something about him that made him hold a special place amongst your other friends. You couldn’t pinpoint it but he was there somewhere. 

Still you wanted to keep him close. 

Maybe because you'd accidently bump into each other often, walking in and out of coffee shops or bars. 

“Need a ride home?” 

Is what he would always say whenever he would see you around at night. 

And you'd hear him rambling about how too many cars pick up ‘pretty’ girls late at night. Those talks were fun though. 

But sadly enough, those times came to an end when Adam had been calling you in more recently, including today.

Now you were here, in his office again, sitting down as he scattered through some file work. 

”Well, I got good news and bad news. Which would you like to hear first?”

”The good news first.” “Alrighty…” He sat down in his chair after grabbing a folder and opened it, laying it flat out on the table for you. “See this right here” He pointed his finger to a picture in the corner, then dragged his finger across to another in the bottom left. 

“This right here is evidence!” He seemed joyous saying that. 

But your eyes kept jotting from corner to corner trying to figure out what he meant by that.

“Evidence of what?” 

“Okay see this, it's a stitch in one of the victims clothing, and this one right here, is also a sewed stitch…” 

He points his finger more closely, directly to where he wants you to see

Looking at the two pictures again, you do notice a slight difference 

“They’re… not the same…” “Exactly! This one is a little lighter, meaning it could be nylon, and this one-“ 

“The color looks darker.”

”Right, we found this hidden inside one of the city's garbage bins just around… maybe 20 feet away from the incident. And from checking surveillance cameras around, we were able to be sure that his jacket was indeed his.” 

You take a closer look at the photo, and could see that the lighter stitch seems to be around the chest pocket of the jacket. 

“That’s amazing, oh my god. I- I can't believe it!” 

Come upon, there was a hint of joy in your eyes. “That means- So you know who did all of this now right?” 

His eyebrows grew worried, a look of concern on his face. He looked down at the photo again, grabbing it out of the clear folder pocket.  “About that; The bad news… we can't identify who.” 

“Look, we checked any cameras around including those that aren't from the city… Seems our culprit had found a blind spot.” 

“What about after? Please tell me you found something!” He ignores you for a quick second and glances over to the side and reaches to turn on the small tv beside him. 

“Look, give me a second, let me get the tape. I need to show you this.”

He pulls out a small tape from his drawer and inserts it inside the bottom line of the television, and makes sure it faces the two of you. 

”Okay look right there… There!”

Covering your mouth, you continue to look intently at the screen, watching everything unfold right before your eyes, 

His hands over his chest, as he walks over to the big wall right behind him. Seeing how the figure breathes heavily, and hearing the distorted groans in the background. 

How he was basically hurting even in an attempt to walk straight. He decides to rest and sit down by the wall. Still holding his hand over his chest, until he coughs and his own fluids are being tossed out from his mouth. 

“Agh-A- Im… S-sorry ugh…”  

“…Please, dont - l-leave!” His voice can be heard becoming deeper as he looks over to his left side. Soon enough a large cry is heard, screaming with all his pain out the window. 

Clutching onto his shirt even more, he rolls onto the wall with his back against it. As the piercing cry for help just echoes.

A few more demands are heard, his begging and pleading only becoming more frantic as the tape goes on longer. Tears streamed down his cheeks. Causing a trail of dampness on the collar of his shirt. 

One last line could be heard, every word spoken only becoming quieter.

“Don't leave… me…” His voice was heard, 

one last time. 

The tape comes to an end, and you're left sitting there looking at the screen without any display of emotion. 

Just sitting there. 

Adam can see the stoic look on your face, the look of defeat that you couldn’t be there to help. 

He runs the tape a little back, and you look down at your folded hands, pressing your lips together. 

“Y/n, look here” 

A black hood can be shown in the footage before it cuts out.  

”After that none of the cameras functioned well. Once they begin to work properly we can see your ‘friend’…laying there.” 

His eyes avert to you for a second, only to see your glare at the screen as the tape continues. 

Thought filled your mind. 

Wondering who this could be… What if it was someone from work? Maybe the other waiter they fired back when you started working. The creepy driver that sometimes parks outside the apartments late at night… Or your psycho ex you had broken contact with years ago. 

“Miss Y/n?” 

Your eyes start to become tear filled

“Sorry I just- I need some time to think all of this…I- I don't know why this is all happening to me…”  

Why did it have to be you?

What was so wrong in your past life that you now have to carry this burden on your shoulder. 

”It'll work out fine dont worry come here.” Immediately as he says that, you go and hug him.

Trying not to get his collared shirt wet from your tear stained cheek, he brushes your hand and pats your shoulder. Resulting in only crying more. 

His taller structure and older features, he felt like a parental figure. 

Sometimes you wonder if maybe the reason you trusted Adam so much was because you weren’t really open with your own parents growing up. 

Maybe he did have all of this under control. 

All you wanted was pure genuine affection, even if it came from a stranger. 

_______

The evening sunset had finally gone down. It's been about an hour or two since you left the station. Adam continued to talk about the mystery person. 

He had seemed to have made a drawback to when he had noticed a similar pattern somewhere else but couldn’t remember it, thus ending the conversation in disappointment again. 

But at least you were closer to finding out who it was. Right? 

Just as you were about to head to a sidewalk and call for an Uber, you remembered that there wasn't any food at home. 

“Fuck… Where’s a nearby open market…” 

Muttering lowly as you continue to look around for an open one.

”There's one on 6th Street near the Art Walk.” A passerby yelled just before passing you. “Oh- Thanks.” 

It was already late but you needed some produce to make something later in the morning. 

”Fuck Im so tired…” Upon arriving, your legs were already sore from walking. You took a deep breath first before entering the store. 

First look and you realize… This is the wrong kind of market… 

God, no wonder it was still open…that guy gave you directions to a bodega market, not an actual market market where they sell fruits and vegetables…

Though, the guy working behind the counter kept a close eye on you. 

Probably thinking you would steal something then run out. So you stayed a little bit. 

Wandering around the little store, you picked up some frozen grapes and dish soap…. Since you did remember there was almost none back home. 

And the grapes, probably would keep you filled until tomorrow morning, and maybe you'll go to the produce market early morning, 

even if it means waking up early…

“How much?” You placed the small box of grapes and the dish soap on the counter As he counted up the price you kept looking at the window, not paying much attention to the clerk. 

You felt this strange feeling…   -nine.” 

“Huh, pardon?” Seven twenty nine.” 

You reached into our pockets and pulled up some cash, handing it over to him.  

He looked at you oddly before grabbing your grapes and the bottle of soap and placing them inside a little bag. 

Just as you were about to leave you heard the man's voice again. 

“Hey, be careful out there. Lot of people been going missing recently.” 

Turning around you face him again, just before going through the door.

“Oh, thank you sir!” 

Heading out the door, instantly the cold breeze of late November hit your face. 

Getting a strong grip of the black plastic bag you made sure your hood was on, and tried not to show your face too much as you began to walk down the streets. 

Every crosswalk and intersection you came across, you had made sure to look and glance at every place around you possible. 

You felt safe for a moment

But either way if something were to happen…

Basically no one, no one could help you right now. 

Even if your life was on the line. 

Peeping around you saw that almost all the cars around were empty. 

All except for 

…one? 

Squinting your eyes to dim the bright streetlights around your peripheral vision, you saw a tall dressed figure in all black close the trunk to their car.

They remained standing still for a second, until they opened the car doors to the back seats. 

Remarkably you were able to see a few familiar strands of hair. 

It looked like a pale yellow under the far away light that was dimming the place…

Unsure of the figure, you approached slowly. 

Walking at a normal pace but not really paying attention over to the figure just in case.

Once you got a glimpse of the face, you finally were able to recognize…

… “Nikolai?” 

Seeing them frantically turning their head around, once stopping as soon as they saw you across the sidewalk.

”Y/n?” 

‘That voice…It was him! But, why the black mask? ‘ 

”…Y/n? Why are you out here?” 

Walking over to him he stumbled over to the other side of the car, leaning on the back doors. 

He pulled his hood off and then pulled his mask down. Questioning you why you were right where you were standing 

“-I had to get something real quick I didn't have- Wait, why are ‘you’ here?” 

“I had to take my trash out because the ones by my place were too full.” He crossed his arms, his face seemingly more pale. 

You repeated his action and then tilted your head to the side, looking behind him “In there?” You said as you pointed your finger to the small garbage bin that was inside an alleyway.

He held eye contact for long, not moving a single muscle on his face. 

His eyes would advert to the sides of your face, that is until he bursted out laughing. 

Catching you off guard, you take a step back.

His arms holding his stomach as he continues to laugh in your face. 

‘Is this the same Nikolai I met the other day?’ 

“Sorry, I couldn't help myself. You just had such a serious face, what else could I do?” 

He calmed himself down before speaking again, you weren’t sure what to really do in this situation so you stood there… 

”My bad… Inside here I have some tools. Gardening tools actually.” 

“I figured why not have it in the back already so I don't have to wake up extra early.” 

“Mhm.” 

Arms still crossed, he took a quick look at you again before asking another question

“So, about your-”  “So can I get a ride? I rather not walk today.” 

Showing your hands clasped together, you look up at him hoping for an answer that'll satisfy.

Without responding, he walks over to his car and opens the passenger seat door and faces your standing body again.

“So? Prefer walking?”

During the car ride home, it seemed all he could talk about was his wonderings for you being this late out even though you had already told him why. 

. 

At every stop he would constantly look over to you and take quick glances that you did notice. 

You weren’t sure why but as much as you tried to relax your body, you really couldn't due to how stiff you were from trying not to be awkward around him.

Though it seemed like you weren't alone either, noticing how fidgety Nikolai was in his seat.  

But it looked like he was nervous about something else. 

You had asked if he had something on his mind.

There was silence for a bit, until Nikolai had asked what made you think that. 

Contemplating a bit before responding back…you kept your head forward but kept looking at him through your side view.

You noticed his eyes kept darting from the road to the streetlights to the sidewalks to the pedestrians walking by.

”…I don't know, you just seem anxious…” 

“Me? Don't worry about me!” His head gestured to look at you for a bit before turning back and continuing  

“I just had a little fight with someone earlier. “

”A fight? As in… physical?“ 

“No, no. Verbally, although…” His chest inflamed up, taking a big deep breath before exhaling it long out through his lips “Although, I was hit in the process of it. Not badly, but still got hit.” 

“Wait really where?!” 

His eyes kept on the road, but he turned his head down and leaned towards you a bit. Raising his eyebrows quite a bit

In a quick glance you were able to see the small pinkish purple bruise just near his eyebrow bone. 

Your hand went to your open mouth as you just stared there with open eyes. 

You hadn’t even noticed it when you came up to him, 

”Yeah it was a bad blow… But we ended it off in…” His eyes darted down to his hands that were on the steering wheel. 

“ I would say okay terms.” 

“What did you two even fight about?” “Oh that, just some personal hobby I like to do…” 

He stopped the car in the middle of the two-way turn lane of the road. He kept one hand on the wheel whilst the other leaned against the car seat. 

”But it's okay, they’re not my problem anymore. I finally got them out of my life now.”    ”Huh?” A confused look came upon your face

”Do you mean… you cut contact with them off?” 

“Something like that, yeah. You know, sometimes you have to get rid of those toxic people in your life before they grow on you. 

Before they cause harm to your wellbeing.” 

“Sometimes… they do more damage than good to you.” 

“Yeah, I guess you're right…” 

Turning your head over to look around the car, it just came to you where he had stopped the car. “Oh shit! We’re here already?”

”Stay there, I'll get it.” 

“Such a gentleman!” Giggling toward the end 

“I know huh?” 

Ever since last night, that's all you were able to think about. 

And the idea of starting to develop feelings kept being shuttered away by your own mind  

But you think you were starting to like him… Even if it meant he probably only sees you as a friend.

And as much as you tried not to remember him, the music that was playing out of someone's earphones nearby kept reminding you of him whether you wanted to be reminded or not. 

The older man sitting across from where you were seated on his way to work, his attire resembles his quite a bit. 

. 

Almost everything reminded him of you. And you wanted to avoid that, you wanted to deny these feelings. 

Your head said one thing, but your heart thought differently.

As the train came to a stop, you grabbed your small bag that you brought with you and got up, leaving to exit. 

It was a bit earlier than your usual morning wake up time, so a lot of people coming in and out of the big station were mostly people rushing to go to work. 

Or some crying and screaming as they latch onto people waiting outside. Assuming maybe a friend or relative who hasn’t seen the other in a long time. 

Made you wish you had someone to depend on that much. 

But as you continued to venture outside, you kept looking out for more things that were happening around. 

The small circular mini park where events happen and musicians or talented groups come together to showcase their performing arts. How they were already setting up the lamp posts with colorful ribbons and decorations. 

While the big circular kiosk in the center had small little lanterns and faux icicles alongside with snowflakes dangling from the sides. 

In this area, it almost never snows. 

Though the temperatures do drop drastically and constant rain pours, there's never snow. 

But it does make it better, because then you can walk around wherever you wish freely without any trouble. Just as you were doing so right now. 

Recently this place by a little local street has been popping up everywhere for supposedly having the best food. 

A restaurant blowing up on social media, that's normal. But being debated as having one of the best foods available? 

You just had to try this place out for yourself. 

The thing that had caught your attention was this particular dish you remember seeing someone post. 

But by the way the waiting line looked, it seemed like you weren’t going to get an open spot soon. 

Looking at the patio tables that were outside, noticing that almost if not all the tables had the same tag standing with the word ‘Reserved.’

”Fuck I should’ve done that…” You muttered as you crossed your arms in an attempt to not lose balance from how tired your legs were starting to get. 

“Y/n?” 

“Huh?” 

Looking around you couldn’t see who it was that said your name until you finally took a second look back. 

One of your co-workers! 

“Brandon? What are you doing here?” 

”I came here to get some stuff but I decided to come early to get something to eat as well… And it looks like you are too!” 

He looks up at the restaurant's sign and back at you in a playful way. 

“Yeah I-.Im just waiting around you know…” 

He proceeds to lean in closer to where you're standing, and places a hand over to the side of his mouth as he loudly whispers “Come on, I know a better spot than this…Trust.” 

“You sure?” 

He nods his head in response 

Looking back and forth, you were contemplating on whether you should leave your spot… 

“You know what, fuck it, yeah show me.” 

You got out of line, and began to laugh a little with Brandon as you two walked away. “Don't get lost now~” 

Going further down the crowded street, he took you to this one place that had a white and red color scheme. 

As you both got closer to the place, he kept rambling on about how this was his go to spot, 

That no restaurant around here could top this one.

“Trust me, this place is ten times better than the one you were going to, More authentic too.”

A smirk laid upon your face, trying to be smug towards him

“If you say so, I'll be the judge myself~” 

As you two walked in, finally, you both were instantly seated towards the front of the place; Since there was an open table there.

A young woman came over and began to take your order. “Welcome to Noche Buena, what can I get started for you guys today?” 

“I'll get that one, the one that's in the photo.”     

“Hm, I'll get the same as him.” 

She began to write it down, before looking at the kitchen staff that were nearby and turning back to you two. ”We also have a couple special, free refresher. Would you like to add that too?” 

You swore you almost choked on your own spit when you heard that. Turning over to Brandon, he gave you a slight nod. 

“Uh sorry but n-“ You cut off shortly when you felt a jab on your ankle “Sorry but no yeah!” His cheeky smile appears as he repeats it back to the waitress. 

She dismisses you guys after taking your order. Immediately hurrying to the kitchen. You on the other hand just kept glaring at Brandon.

“What? It was free drinks. How could you say no?” 

You sighed before slowly starting to grin “You know what, yeah you're right.” 

”I wonder how many people do this at our workplace.” He spoke, as he checked phone for a quick second. 

“Too many, it's so obvious!”

While you two were laughing about hilarious stuff that has happened at work while you've been gone, you took it as a chance to glance around the area real quick.

Without doubt, the place wasn't all so bad.

It was clean, the tables were shiny, and the seating wasn't worse than some places... 

Lost in thought. 

The waiter came back with a tray of the stuff you guys ordered “Here you guys go” including…”And here's the drink too!” 

She placed down the singular drink that had two straws in the center. You and Brandon just kept looking at each other and back at the drink. 

”You screwed up Y/n… Next time Im doing the talking.”    “As if, I think this is just how it is.” 

“Well… it is better than no drink…” He looked down at the cup in the center, with sad little eyes before taking a sip out of it

Rolling your eyes at his childish behavior, this was his doing all along anyways.

“Oh come on, don't be such a baby. It's no different than when everyone at work shares a strawberry refresher throughout our shift.” 

“You're right. Let's just dig in!” 

____________

By the time you both finished eating, you had decided to go walking around the area more. 

That was until Brandon remembered what he came for in the first place. 

You didn't know how heavy cleaning supplies and house decorations would end up being so heavy once it's in a bag. 

Picking the stuff up at the stores did not at all seem heavy, not until its dangling side to side from your hands in a black plastic baggie.

“Is that it?” You said, groaning at him. He looked at his long checklist he had on his phone before turning to face you again ”Yep that's practically it!” 

”Finally, thank god…”  You say as you slouch your back a bit and finally release the bags softly onto the floor.

”Hey be gentle, they could break.” 

You let this be a reminder that the next time he needs help with a few errands to give a white lie and decline. 

“Oh for god's sake Brandon, how would a plastic bottle of window cleaner break?”

”Dont tell me you came on the train too, Ill actually kill myself if I have to walk another step over there.” 

Groaning in annoyance, he began to chuckle at your voice

“I came by car today, if you want I could give you a ride home.” 

“Yes please! “ 

The entirety of the car ride was just him explaining to you a new hook up between two employees. 

And how everyone around has been placing bets on who would say something first. 

Once you had heard the entire story, you joked to him saying you'll place five dollars on the guy.

Resulting in him rolling his eyes at you before laughing with you. Man it was almost like being drunk with him, without actually drinking. 

“Watch, I'll be right”   “I wanna see that.”

You laughed a bit, before ending the conversation and almost leaving the car  “-I guess I'll see you later someday at work then!- “

“Oh about that-“ A smile grew on his face again while you were stopped in your tracks.

“Boss told me and a few others that if we were to see you we’d tell you to come in tomorrow for your paycheck, and if we didn't see you then your friend would just text you about it tomorrow morning.” 

Raising your eyebrow “But I can come in whenever I want?” 

“No duh. Now go before I make you carry more of my shit.” 

Flipping him off, you grabbed your bag from the floor of the car and left. Upon entering past the lobby doors, he instantly left. 

“What a blabber mouth…” You muttered

Walking up the stairs, once you’ve arrived at your apartment door, you notice the shit pile of mail that was just sitting in your little mail cabinet that you ordered weeks ago for your door. 

Looking through them, you find a pink envelope, opening it to see its content inside. 

As you were opening the door to your apartment by pressing the handle, you continued to unfold the envelope, it seemed to be a piece of folded paper inside. 

Like a letter! 

The letter seemed to be handwritten, and smelled of a strong vanilla peachy scent as if it were sprayed with perfume. 

Closing the door behind you, with all the other mail being held in your other arm you went to the kitchen and sat at the island counters. 

’ I’d be lying if you didnt fill the void in my heart. No matter where I am, all I can do is just think about you. 

Whether you consider yourself a star or not, to me you're the whole sun. 

You bring light and peace to my world. 

All I wish for, is if we could be more than just best friends…

Enjoy the flowers, I know begonias are your favorite. - XoXo ‘

You stared at the letters content, reading it over and over again. 

”Hm? What flow-…-ers…” Looking up from where you were seated, you just finally notice the bouquet laying down on the counter, while behind the flowers was a small white teddy bear. 

“What the hell…” Muttering as you picked up the teddy, examining it closely. 

All you wondered was how did this even get inside…? Maybe your friend had something to do with this.

Thinking of her, your regards to her whereabouts still concern you. 

You usually don't see her that often now…Hopefully she's okay with her boyfriend, all you wanted was at least a text or something to know she's okay.

Looking down at your hands, you see a little paper tag that was dangling from the teddy's bum. You opened it and saw a heart with a letter K next to it. “Who's K?...” 

“Oh god…” 

Realization finally hit that dense skull of yours. ”I forgot, I have to see him tomorrow…” 

Facepalming your head as you place the teddy down standing right side up, you immediately go to your room. 

Heading to your closet, you begin to find something you might be able to wear for the event that an old friend had invited you to. 

But there's no way he could've had feelings?

He never seemed like the type to… He was always just so, friendly. 

Nothing more

Nothing less.

None of this would've came to your mind 

Not with how he acts around you

Nurturing, that's what he was; Maybe that's why?

…God this was a shocker.

_____________

Evening has arrived, it was already the first of a new month. The coldest most rain pouring month of the calendar for you. 

Every place you went to earlier in the morning would just be filled with holiday bells. Warm nostalgic music playing at every department store. 

Even though it was the first day of the month, people had already begun to dress the style of the cold winter seasons. 

It was almost as if everyone just collectively decided to begin wearing a puffer jacket today…Including you as well…

“Hey!~” You barged through the back door of the kitchen. Immediately hearing pots and pans fall onto counters and floors.

Startling everyone and having someone drop an actual plate. 

After they realized it was you they began to curse you out for scaring the shit out of them. “Sorry… I uhm.” You stuttered a bit. “Brandon told me he'd give me my paycheck… He's said holding it around for me here somewhere?” 

A voice from behind the counter shouts to you “Oh him? He didn't show up today.” 

“Really? He said he'd be here?” 

“Well we told him not to go scuba diving in the beginning of winter… Maybe he's out sick.” 

That crazy man…

“Huh!?”

Who in their right mind thinks it's a good idea to go in the water right when the chills are about to come. 

You didn't even try to act surprised, matter of fact, this was something usual that happens all the time.    But really? Scuba diving? 

Sighing, you lean on one of the kitchen island counters seeing everyone around work, but you catch someone going to the back and unlock his locker. 

The young girl comes back and hands you an envelope that has your name in red pen. Staring down at the envelope as she gives it to you she speaks softly “Here, just take it.” 

Just as you were about to leave she grabs the wrist of your shirt and tugs you at her, leaning her hand and lips to your ear. 

“I also advise you to leave now, earlier some crazy customer walked in and asked to see you, saying he had a message to pass onto you-” 

“What!” She instantly puts her hand over your mouth trying to shush you down. Bringing her finger close to her mouth she makes a quiet “Shh!” 

She whispers to you, hoping none else hears her. 

“...I think you've served him before, he had black hair I think…We were discussing about it earlier, but the rest didn't want to say anything to you to freak you out.”

“Go now, and be careful out there.” 

She finally let go of your shirt and went back to her station and proceeded to wash the dishes that were dirty. 

All you could do was just gaze profoundly. 

Hurrying up the door, as soon as you reach to press down on the handle you turn around to see her staring at you again, nodding once at you telling you to leave.

Rushing back home, you instantly walked through your apartment door then closed it shut. 

Going to your bedroom, in order to change into a 

pretty evening dress you had. 

You were going to be a plus one for some party event that a friend had told you about.

Although you did remember them telling you to wear something nice, they had also told you not too overdressed. 

In order to really match the ‘said theme,’ you wore a thigh length dress, a flowy one. 

Until your phone rings, he was calling. Your “date” 

Picking up your phone, you begin to talk in a nervous tone

“Oh shit…Hello? Yes, yes just give me two more minutes… Okay I'll see you down there, bye.” 

Hanging up, you place your phone back onto the night stand from where you picked it up. 

Sighing as you look back into the mirror. ‘What am I to do’

The entirety of the ride to get there with him was a bit awkward, how were you supposed to talk to him normally after what he had just done. 

He barely calls you, and when he does it's usually when we need someone to be there with him for something, or usually for some kind of outing. 

This was all confusing, you weren’t really sure how to react or respond to his advances he was making towards you by leaving flowers. 

Matter of fact, you didn't even know how to bring the topic up, so you kept silent. 

Only listening to him talk about his future and his business. That the day his company blows he’ll have a reserved spot for you to work there, saying you wouldn't have to work at that grubby restaurant people call ‘fancy’ nowadays. 

You weren’t sure how to really describe his character, he was a bipolar mess in his mind. 

Sometimes he would be nice the next he would ignore you for saying something even the slightest opposite of his opinion. 

Maybe if you didn't respond back to his idea of you tagging along, this wouldn't be happening…

Once at the event, you were left alone. Tens and tens of floors up high off the ground in some nice banquet-like place. 

You were sitting by the nice couch, watching the people around you chat while they chuckled every so and so. 

Not even drinking from the glasses of champagne they were served. 

Yours was probably almost finished, just a sip or two and it would’ve been all gone by now. 

Being here made you wonder why you even accepted his request at being his plus one.

If all you were going to do was just show as his ‘date,’ look pretty beside him, and then run off and tell you to stay put somewhere. 

Almost everyone in this room knew each other, it seemed like they were all acquaintances of some sort. Like they knew each other from connections. 

So of course you felt out of place. 

You kept turning your head over to the glass windows on the right side of where you were seated, seeing as the sun sets, going lower and lower. Each hour that passes by, turning the sky into a dark shade of nocturnal blue.

Every now and then you would turn your phone on and text some of your co worker friends messages while they were on their break, asking how everything’s doing. 

Just something to get out of this boredom

Feeling a tap on the left shoulder, you turn around and get startled by his face near yours. 

“Oh god Kyrie, you have to stop doing that…” 

He leans back to his standing position, still holding a completely filled glass of champagne in his left right “I'm done with my stuff, I saw you from across the room and saw ya’ look bored.” 

“How could I not, I know no one here… And you just left-“ 

“Sh’shhh… C’mon get up, I know a much more fun place than this.” Before you could stand up, he grabs the side of your arm and almost forces you to stand up.

You two begin to head over to the door, but his walk continues to be slow, as he dismisses every colleague he knows before actually leaving. 

Once back in the car, he starts the engine of the car and begins to head over to the heart of the city again. 

You rest your head on the window looking outside, until you feel a slight touch on your leg. His arm rests lowly on your thigh, but you're too tired of his bullshit to even say anything, so you let it be…

Upon arriving, you get out of his car, and look around. Seeing how high the building was. Making you wonder if he was going to take you to another event party for his benefit. 

”Follow me.” He's already walking, and you, like a dog, follow from behind. 

The entire time with him was mainly quiet. He kept checking his phone, often texting some group chat. In the lobby, in the elevator, and outside the few doors that were in front of him. 

“Give me a second… Okay there, come on stand near me or they won't allow us in.” 

You hurried by his side, and he proceeded to walk in front of this one nice door that had faint music playing. 

Fuck, it was probably another one of his friends parties. 

God… well be ready to be sitting down somewhere again- “Hello?” 

The door opens and instantly music blasts from inside the room. He opens the door and the guy sees you standing next to him, instantly changing his tone 

“Oh my bad, come on in.” 

He opens the door wider, allowing the both of you in. 

Your eyes… Instantly widen at the sight. 

House music playing at an extreme volume, flashes of white and colored lights going around, confetti being thrown everywhere, splashes being sprayed from popping bottles around. 

Continuing to walk inside, as you kept looking around. 

“I knew this would be your kind of fun, maybe mine too…” 

He says as he drags you further to the center of the beautiful room you were standing in. 

Looking back straight ahead, your eyes catch a glimpse of someone tall, someone… familiar… 

You speed walk over to them, leaving Kyrie behind.  “Huh? Hey wait!” Hearing him in the distance, trying to catch up with you, -you get further away, almost running to the crowd.

Raising your neck to look over people's heads, you catch a glimpse of mismatched eyes. “Nikolai!” 

You see him look back and turn his head again, only to turn to look at you again. Wondering if that really was you… “Y/n!” 

Smiling at him, he begins to dismiss the crowd, having them scatter to different places, until he can come forward to you. 

He cups your cheeks, feeling your face making sure you were real and not just a delusion of his 

“H-how… What… How did you find-“  

“Y/n, who's this?” 

You hear his voice in the background. 

Nikolai stops holding your face and looks up from you to see another man standing right behind. 

Turning your head as well, at a loss for speech. ‘Shit’ 

He begins to ask questions regarding about Nikolai,

“Do you know this man? Who is he-“ 

“I'm a friend of hers, and you are?” A sly smile forms on his face while he looks at him, and talks with a much rather, softer voice. 

Not loud but clear enough to have himself heard over the loud music playing.

Kyrie tilts his head back, feeling intimidated by Nikolai’s height as he almost tries to lean over him.

Looking back and forth at the two men standing right in front of each other, you immediately put an end to this.

Dismissing Nikolai and accompanying your ‘date’ like you were supposed to 

He pulls you away from Nikolai, dragging you to where most of the drinks were being made. 

You turn your head back and look at Nikolai “Im sorry…” mouthing to him, as his arms stay crossed only glaring hard at you as you get dragged away from him.

While you were being pulled by the arm, you felt the grip let go. Turning your head back to wherever you were being directed to, -you saw yourself standing in front of a kitchen counter with many options of alcohol. 

Small bottles, big ones, tall ones, all the varieties you could think of were right there.

“Want one?” Your attention is drawn to a much older woman. 

“Here let me serve ya’ up quick!” In an attempt to refuse, she already hands you a cup filled with whatever liquid she poured into it. 

As much as you refused to accept the cup, you feel a pair of hands on your shoulders grab you harshly, slightly shaking your body.

 You flinch and tense up turning to the side to see who it was. “Give it a try, go on.” Hesitating a bit at your ‘friends’ request, he tries to pressure you into taking a few sips. “…I don't-“ 

“Just try some you'll like it~” He grabs the cup and places it near to your lips. 

The other woman, just staring with a mischievous grin on her face as she uses her hand to rest her head on the counter. 

Looking down at the filled cup and then at his eyes. He nods his head persuading you to give in.

In an instant you take the cup out of his hand with an annoyed look on your face.

“Fine, just one.” And swallow it whole without second thought.

Once it finally hits the back of your throat, your face automatically makes a sour look, sticking your tongue out coughing trying to get the taste out your mouth.

“Atta girl!” 

Hearing Kyrie say that, you turn around and face back towards the one who served you the drink.

“God what was in that thing.” 

She could only giggle and begin to talk about the look on your face once you had chugged it.

Laughing right in your face.

Nikolai, on the other hand, was resting his upper body on the balcony of the second floor of the loft. 

Where all the monochromic decorations that were scattered around the first floor kept flying up to his level from being kicked and tossed around. 

His hands were crossed, watching as ‘he’ kept trying to force another drink or two down your throat 

He had known about him, way before you had even gotten to meet him for the first time. He was trying to build his status as an entrepreneur, and recently bought a building for his new ‘upcoming company’ as a rip-off of the infamous playboy. 

Explaining all those fancy events he goes to, but he needed a plus one to prove the fact that he did have a ‘face’ already for his new upcoming, you. 

But you didn't know that, All you thought of it were to be exquisite gatherings of him and his friends.

It was a way to drag you with him, without you knowing a clue of it.

It was obvious to him from the very start

How he treated others. How he was treating you. 

Roughly about an hour had passed by already, 

He had kept his eye on you long enough, to see that by the time you weren’t being pushed from group to group, you already had far too many drinks. 

He didn't stop you though, since he wanted to see how you would respond to most of these interactions. He hadn't seen you like this 

But that was the only time Kyrie was there to stop you from doing something dumb. 

His hands were on your shoulders, yours on his arms.

“Hey! You okay? You should be glad I'm here.”

He hugged your body closely to him.

His breath reeked of alcohol. His eyebrows kept raising high at every sniffle he gave. Most importantly the way he kept touching your face trying to ‘reassure’ you.

That sorrowful look on your face, he leaned away and cupped your cheeks hurriedly. “What’s wrong…?”  He said, whispering his breath onto you. 

Your eyes began to tear up, swell every second along with the frown that you were trying not to show “…You left me behind, I- I was so scared…” 

Placing your arms on his shoulders, you grip onto his shirt hard.

”Dont…” 

“Don't what?” 

“…Don't touch- me, -get a-away” A hiccup could be heard. 

You tried shoving him away, his hands leaving you for a second, but he rapidly grabbed your face, making you look up to him. 

“I can't… I need you. Please!” His eyes were darting from you left and right, to your lips and up again.  “S-Stop, get off!” 

He was already drunk, and out of his mind. Now that his thoughts were being spoken out to you instead of his usual tone.

He forces himself onto you, latching his hands onto your waist and body, pushing you to get you on the nearest wall by the hallway. ”You're all I want, Please!” He grunts, as his hands dont stop. 

He had lured you slowly into an almost empty hallway leading to where closed doors were. 

From where he had you stopped, he pressed himself against you on a wall right beside a door. 

You wanted to break free, but you couldn’t… You were far too gone to push him off of you. 

No amount of strength could stop him off. 

With the loud music playing mostly in the main room, this place, you could hear every word he had spoken to you. “Sh sh sh. I'm not gonna hurt ya’  “

No matter how hard you tried to get him away, he suddenly gripped on your wrists holding you back from trying to resist him anymore. 

He whispered into your ear, things you didn't want to hear. And slowly his head leaned closer… and closer. 

Your side of the face pressed against the wall; eyes shut. Trying to prevent making contact with him.  

But he had no control. His breathless voice against your skin, inching closer to your face. 

He stopped for a second, taking a quick look at your face; before you feel his lips peck your cheek getting closer to your lips. 

Suddenly all the weight on you… 

Feels like it's gone. 

No more touchy hands, the elbow trying to squeeze you in. 

You could actually finally breathe.

Opening your eyes you see him scrambled across the wooden floors.

Holding his hand right above his lip. Not long before you can see a faint trail of blood following down to his chin as he tries to retain more blood from following out. 

He looked angered, brows furrowed, he was fuming. 

Not at you,  but at the person he was staring at right in front of him. 

“Get out of here.” A firm voice was heard from the hallway, but you couldn't see much as the flashing lights messed with your vision. 

Seeing Kyrie scoff at you and leave with wobbled steps, the figure in the beginning of the hallway comes closer. 

There he was. 

“Nikolai!” You turn to him in an instant.

Immediately wrapping your hands around him. 

He flinches at your reaction, but then wraps his arms around you as well. With one hand stroking your hair, and the other not too below your waist. 

He tells something to you, but you don't catch it and ignore it and continue to hug him close. 

He breaks contact and looks down at you. Holding softly both of your hands. “Let's get out of here, I know a spot just above here.” 

Nodding in agreement, you hold onto him closely by his arm, as he leads you outside the room again. 

He sighs before he takes your hand and drags you along with him, before realizing how flushed his face must be. 

Looking up at him you ask him a question regarding where he's taking you ”Where are we going?” 

“You'll see, come.”

Immediately stepping out the elevator you notice a huge change in the hallway. It's shinier, more decorations around, including plants. 

Like an actual place where people might seem to live in.

He reaches into his pocket and grabs a key, opening the door to one of the few that were in front of you. 

As he unlocks the door you're still glancing around at the atmosphere outside. Almost forgetting the whole point of why he got you outta there 

“Come in.” You hear his voice heard from inside the room. 

Trailing right behind him. 

You enter into the new place he took you, and instantly. your jaw hangs open.

The place was dazzling.

Nicely interiored, sparkling from cleanliness.

”What-…. The hell.” 

Soft music can be heard playing on vinyl nearby.

Full tall wall windows on both sides, a staircase leading to what looked like his bedroom. 

Nicely polished light wooden floors with ambient lighting all around the walls, giving the place a euphoric atmosphere. 

Gazing around, you turn to him as he's right by the kitchen prepping you a glass of water. “Was this the place you were telling me about days ago?”

He laughs a bit, coming back and handing you the water ”Something like that.” 

You're left standing there in the middle of it all, as he walks over to the staircase, telling you to come along. 

Once at the top floor which was his room, you couldn't help but look at all the nice things he had kept around. 

Touching the nice trinkets he had on his nightstand.

“ Think that's cool? Look over here.”

He rushes over to the curtains on the side wall of his bed, he opens them and and your eyes widen at the cities landscape 

“Ta~da~” He says as he makes a waving gesture with his hands

You step closer, allowing yourself to fully see it from up close. Not realizing how close you were actually next to Nikolai as well. 

His eyes looking at you, while you kept your gaze on the outside.

While looking down at all the streets, Nikolai seems to notice that faint expression on you. “ Got something on your mind? '' 

”He…He was my ride. How will I get home?”

Looking up to meet his eyes, he immediately darts, looking away and stops and ‘thinks for a quick moment,’ placing his finger on his chin.

He gets up from his little seated position and makes his way to the bed, sitting down on it. 

“I could give you this room, I'll wait until after the party, and crash the other place downstairs. “ 

He pats his hand down right beside him, almost in a way of telling you to come next to him. 

Going over and sitting there with him in silence for a bit, you let your head fall onto his shoulder.

He begins to caress your hair, holding you close, until he can hear the softness of your voice again. “Thank you…for being there earlier…” 

You raise your body up and away from his body. Then proceed to lean into his cheek. 

Giving him a small peck on the side of his face. 

“I shouldn't fall in love with you…” 

He says, but you let your arms wrap around his shoulders, looking at his eyes and at his lips.

He can't help but reciprocate your actions. 

Slowly going in, he gently begins to kiss you. Taking most of the control as his hands cup your cheeks, pulling your hair away from your face. 

You lose balance and lay flat on the bed, his face still close to yours, as his body hovers you. 

Hands on each side of you, his eyes looking everywhere. 

His face slowly inches closer to yours, as he breathes heavily. He looks as if he's going feral inside his mind.

Just as he's centimeters away from your lips, he stops

To think he was leaning in again to take it a step further, you were wrong.

Instead, leaving a small peck on the side of your lips before whispering softly “Night.” 

And proceeds to get up, as you lay there slightly curled into your own body.

Just as he's about to leave, you pull on his long black shirt… Looking up at him again with your eyes. “P-please, can you stay…Just a while” 

He’s glancing at you, for a moment it looks like he's contemplating something. 

You notice and immediately a ‘Nevermind’ comes out of your mouth.

But he hops right into the bed with you before you can say anything… He’s on his side, looking straight at you. 

“…Go to sleep now then” Kissing your forehead, you wrap your arms around him again, hugging him close, with your head just right beside his chest.

It didn't even come to your mind how close you two were.

Nodding your head, you take one last look at him before shutting your eyes closed “…Goodnight Nikolai-“  “-Kolya” 

He interrupts you, correcting you on ‘his name’ 

He continues to caress his fingers through your hair, pushing it back a little.

“Just call me Kolya.” 

[timidxtempted]

Why shouldn't I be able to ignore my sub? They're an adult.

That was an ask that I just saw on someone else's blog, and I am not willing to add to that post. But I also can't just let it go.

I am too fucking angry. And that's gotta go somewhere.

I'm just going to start by saying that my personal experience came before I ever identified as a submissive, and the relationship I was in was not in any way a dynamic.

I was ignored. Daily. For much longer than I would like to admit to before I finally got the fuck out. I mean ignored in any way that you would care to define the word.

Wanna know what that did to me, a fully adult person?

Here are a few of the highlights:

By the end, I felt less valuable than the furniture in my house. My self esteem was so shot that it took my best friend moving in with me and constantly reminding me that I was, in fact, a human person worthy of far more than the most basic of respects to even make a dent in the gaping hole where my self worth used to be.

I stopped speaking. I don't mean I stopped trying to be noticed. I mean I stopped speaking. My words didn't matter. So I stopped using them.

I became convinced that the reason he ignored me was that I really was too much. Too needy. Too clingy. I talked too much. I felt too much. Everything about me was literally too much. And as such, I worked daily to reduce myself to the nothing I felt I was.

Do you have any idea how much work has gone into reversing that damage in the ensuing years?

Fast forward to now.

I am submisive. Knowing that about myself, and living through what I did...

I can not even imagine the added damage that being ignored would do in the context of of a dynamic. To entrust myself to someone that could do that? It breaks my heart to think that anyone would be treated like that in any relationship, let alone one that by it's very nature requires consistent, open communication and connection, along with the safe space to express yourself in all your vulnerable fucking glory.

But here's the thing that I am so fucking angry about now, in this moment right here.

I still fight it.

I still fucking have to fight it.

And that is not fucking fair. Sure, it's not fair to me... but more than that it's not fucking fair for my partner, my dominant, that I still have to fight those feelings. He has not given me any fucking reason to have them. And I am so fucking mad that he has to deal with the fallout at times for issues he not only did not create, but has been helping to heal.

I should never have had to be scared to be who I am, even if who I am can be too much at times.

I should never have had to be scared to open my mouth and speak, even if what I say is too emotional or needy.

And I should never have had to be so afraid of quiet that I spin out.

I'm fucking proud of being able to help myself through the feelings, and for trying to better recognize them for what they are, even if I can't always knock them back fully.

And I am very fucking proud of myself for doing, or talking about, or asking for help with the things that I'm scared of, even if I should never have had to be scared of them in the first place.

So to any of you wanna-be d-types out there thinking like the anonymous question asker...

No.

You can't just ignore your sub.

Because you don't fucking deserve one.

Post script...

...Because this hurt and I'm going to end this on a positive note. For me.

I am learning the difference between quiet and silence. Turns out quiet can be pretty fucking fun.

[whocaresaboutdecent]

Written for the Ineffable Prompt-A-Thon by @ineffablyruined Week 4: Closed Door

Locked Out

Rated: General Audiences | Angst | Read on Ao3

After Armageddon't, Crowley feels they’re lingering on the threshold of something. Something complicated, something impossible to name, but something that has a pull too strong to ignore. Yet, there’s still this door standing between them, this door Crowley has been hovering near for … someone knows how many years. It’s a weathered, wooden door, once secured with locks that have slowly, one by one, given way over the past millennia.

The keys to unlocking them had been found in shared moments—the playful bickering over coin tosses, crêpes in Paris, a satchel of books passing between their hands, late lunches turning into wine-heavy conversations that stretched deep into the night.

And if Crowley, in his longing to bask in Aziraphale’s company, occasionally forgot to secure those locks again after their meetings—well, that wasn’t entirely his responsibility, was it?

Now, the pull from behind the door is stronger than ever. When Crowley presses his hands flat against the worn wood, an intense feeling of warmth and belonging tingles his palms. He’s no stranger to crossing lines, but even now, with all that promise just beyond, he can’t bring himself to step over the threshold, too aware of the devastating consequences a careless step beyond a boundary can have.

Instead, all Crowley dares to do is inch the door open, just a crack, offering a silent invitation, hoping for Aziraphale to accept it. Crowley is too afraid to swing the door wide open, limiting himself to reassure Aziraphale that it isn’t locked from his side – it never has been, and it never will be. He lingers there, hand resting on the doorframe, waiting for any sign that Aziraphale might be ready to step through. 

But the angel doesn’t even dare to look at what might lie beyond.

“I'll give you a lift, anywhere you want to go.”

“You go too fast for me, Crowley.”

Bang. 

Crowley yanks his hand back just in time before his fingers are jammed between the door and the frame as Aziraphale shuts the door in his face, clearly overwhelmed by what he had glimpsed behind it.

“We can go off together.”

“I don’t even like you.”

Bang.

Each time Aziraphale dares to peek through after the failed apocalypse, however, the door seems to close a little softer and more reluctantly on Crowley.

“You can stay at my place, if you like.”

“I don't think my side would like that.”

Thunk.

“I could hunker down in your place, slither over and watch you eat cake.”

“I'm afraid that would be breaking all the rules.”

A very, very reluctant click.

Yet, there are moments when Crowley feels like he's the only one standing there, staring at that door, desperate to know what's behind it, while Aziraphale remains safe on his own side.

Until, one day, the door stays ajar, until it is Aziraphale who even opens it a little wider – our car, we both get plenty of use out of it, maybe you can tell me while we dance. Crowley can almost see the Welcome-doormat rolled out just for him.

They are on the verge of stepping through, so close to finally, finally taking that leap, when Aziraphale turns away again and nothing Crowley says can lure him through.

“I would like to spend …”

“Then there’s nothing more to say.”

The door swings shut with finality, keys turning in locks that haven’t been touched in years. Crowley stands there, disbelieving, unable to take it once again.

Crash.

He is through the door before he even realises it, wood splinters as he bursts through. There are no words this time, only desperate lips and trembling fingers gripping Aziraphale by the lapels. Crowley holds on tight, trying to pull Aziraphale through, pleading without speaking. Don’t let me rush through this door alone, not after everything, please angel, don’t …

But Aziraphale holds his ground, pushing Crowley back over the threshold, resolutely staying on his own side.

“I forgive you.”

The shattered door disappears, replaced by cold, unyielding elevator doors. The hydraulic hiss as they slide shut between them echoes in Crowley’s ears, and he stares at his own distorted reflection in the metal surface, helpless. This is a door he cannot force open, no matter how hard he tries. This something he has hoped for slips away, leaving him on the wrong side of the door. 

Alone.

[catasoph]

Nightmare-Daydream

Newt x gn!reader

Summary: After the gladors survived the maze reader thinks they will never see their beloved Newt again, but fate and a good friend help them to get reunited.

Words: 1.7k

Warnings: Nightmares, mentions of near-death experience, guns, violence

My lungs were on fire. Expanding to the maximum to get enough air. I ran for my life. Crossing and turning. Following the screams of someone I knew better than anyone. But the path never ended, the screams didn't get any closer, instead the walls closed in around me. Until I was in another room. Everything was dark, a single light showed a boy with blood running down his forehead. Behind him stood two men with huge guns. I couldn't see their faces. It was covered in black. They had no real presence. They were demons. They lurked until the inevitable would happen. They took a step, slowly. Desperate, I cried out, pushing myself forward, wanting to run to the boy they were holding hostage. But my feet were sunk into the ground. A black liquid held them in place, leaving me nothing but my voice. Screaming pleas to hurt me, not him. But they took more steps forward, narrowing the distance between them. Why weren't they listening? Why weren't they looking? Why didn't they slow down? They pointed their guns at his head. My scream mingled with the gunshots that bore holes where his eyes once were.

"(Y/N)! (Y/N), wake up!" I startled with a gasp and suddenly found myself in another dark room with two concerned eyes watching me intensely. A sob broke out of my throat, accompanying the tears falling without limit out of my eyes. "It's alright. You're fine. Everything is fine." He slung his strong arms around my trembling body. Telling me he was there, I wasn't alone. He didn't care about my violent crying staining his shirt, that I woke him out of his sleep, or that I babbled nonsense. He was just there. "Do you want to talk about it?" He was still holding me, gently rocking so I calmed down enough until my sobs turned to hiccups and they evened out. "I lost him." I only whispered it, but I knew he heard it with the way his body stiffened and he clung to me tighter. "I lost him again." "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He whispered, afraid if he spoke louder, not only his voice but also the world around him would break again. For too long, those simple words became his mantra. Chanting them at any given time to see if they would let us heal.

"Gally," I said, separating our upper bodies so I could look at him, "It wasn't your fault." He nodded, but couldn't keep his eyes on mine, instead squeezing my arms to signal me, he acknowledged my words, but they brought little comfort. He cupped my cheeks looking in my eyes with seriousness. He seemed different now. As if he had seen a war and was ready to march into another one.

"(Y/N),I promise you, if they are still alive, I will find them and bring him back to you." I tried to smile. My eyes still glistening from too many tears shed for what I had lost, I couldn't see what I still had.

After we escaped the maze, everyone was hopeful. Until Ava Paige told us about the scorch and the flare. What cruel god would do such a thing? Make us prisoners only to let us out to die. Suddenly Gally came in with a gun in his hand, blaming Thomas for everything. Saying we belonged to the maze. And maybe we did. Maybe we still do. For there was no greener place with the warmest sun. There is no place feeling more like home than the grass enclosed by gray walls.

But after I pushed Thomas out of the way and the bullet hit me, I was okay with dying. I was okay with knowing my family and the boy I loved would survive. Because I would still belong to the maze and there would be a time when we would all meet there again.

But I survived and had to live with the knowledge of never seeing the love of my life again.

Even after that night, the sun rose again, as it usually did, and with it a new day. With each passing day, I was able to forgive Gally a bit more for not being a demon, but being hunted by them. And when I woke up the next day from my latest nightmare, I saw Gally and knew I would be standing by his side until the end. Because despite everything, he still cared for me and protected me. He was the only one who kept me sane.

"Wake up already! It's breakfast time!" Came a deep, serious voice from the doorway of my room.

"Five more minutes, Gally."

"Fucking hell. No, stand up." Heavy footsteps walked toward my bed until rough hands slid under my body and lifted me up, only to set me back down on my own feet a second later. Less than five minutes later, were we downstairs sitting at a table and eating our breakfast, while everyone around us chattered.

Occasionally I would be greeted or smiled at, which Gally found bothersome.

"How do you do it?"

"Do what?" I mumble with a mouthful of food.

"Gain everybody's attention. First in the Glade and now here. All of them try to get in your pants." He rolled his eyes, taking a huge bite of his bread.

"I don't know. It's not my fault." A snort left the man in front of me while an amused smile crept onto his lips.

"It's definitely your fault, (N/N). Always blinking your eyes seductively while giving some morons attention."

"I don't!" I exclaimed, offended.

He didn't reply, just smirked at me while putting his dishes on his tablet to bring them away.

"Anyway, Casanova, I have to go on patrol. Enjoy your attention."

"I hate you!" I smiled pleased as the conversation ended when he came around to hug me goodbye.

"Don't put yourself in danger, okay?" I asked softly. He didn't answer. He didn't need to. I knew he couldn't promise me but I always hoped it made him realize how desperately I needed him.

After he left for patrol, I got myself ready to look after the injured and sick. It was a tough job, not made for everyone, but what job was easy in the world we lived in. At least I didn't have to fight anymore. I didn't have to kill anyone and look at their eyes turn cold. I remember all the boys we had to bury or the one's we didn't even find anymore. I was not much of a fighter. What was the point if we were all going to die in the end anyway? But I understood that we had to fight. It was our last option, other than letting fate take the wheel.

Weeks passed with the same routine. Gally went on patrol while I tended to the wounded, but we always saw each other and ate together. Sometimes, though, we just sat together in silence. Until one day, the routine broke.

It was lunchtime when shots and screams rang out from the outskirts of the city. Where people fought day and night for their survival, to secure a place in the only city left.

Gunshots and screams were nothing unusual anymore but it was Gally`s time for patrol. This made it more horrifying. My heart sank and every possible scenario raced through my head. I was going to lose him. I was going to lose everything again. If not today with these guns, then tomorrow or the day after. One day he will not be coming back. "Don`t worry, kid. He will be fine." The man with a gray beard smiled at me but his eyes told a different story. These eyes had seen too many disasters. So much hatred. How long has he been saying to himself everything is going to be fine? And how many times did he get disappointed? It felt like ages until the familiar noises from the motor of the van and his voice could be heard through the base. "We`re all on the same side here!" I sprinted down from the hospital wing. I had to see him to be sure he was alive. I had to thank him for coming back to me because I could never survive without him. He pulled his helmet from his head and I crashed into him. "I was worried sick, you shank:" In my voice was nothing angry or intimidating, just pure relief bubbling out of it. "I`m sorry, (N/N). But look who I found." My arms left Gally`s body, to turn around. In front of me was my home. The gladors who escaped with us. Not all of them were there. Winston and Chuck were nowhere to be found. My eyes zeroed in on the only boy who ever had my heart. Newt. Standing there with his eyes open and his mouth unable to form words. "We saw you die. Both of you. He shot you." Those were the first words out of it. Reminding himself this horrible day was not his imagination. "No, you left us to die", Gally spat back. Still hurt about how easily they left us behind. Before someone else could answer I took it upon myself. "They found us before it was too late. They took us in and cared for us. That's the only reason we survived." I gestured lazily toward the other guards who were watching this interaction with curious eyes. Everything stayed silent for a few seconds until Newts eyes which before held confusion, now shone with hope. He took a few slow steps towards me his eyes never leaving mine as if asking permission to come close to me. But my only answer where my own small steps toward him. "I thought I lost you." His voice was a whisper. As if the wind would pick up our secret and bring it right back to WCKED. "Me too." His hands cupped my cheeks. His brown eyes fixated on mine, searching for answers he wouldn't find in them. "Are you two together?" My gaze wanders down, not ready to be seen after a long time. Fearing rejection when everything in me lusted for love. "No, there was only ever one boy I loved." My eyes found him again. His head moved forward, pressing his lips on mine and kissing me again after all our lost time. New life was breathed into me while he held me and everything finally felt perfect. I knew now we would be alright. We would survive.

[save-the-villainous-cat]

Hero with Phoenix powers, die and comes back every time- and villain, someone who killed him once, now cares deeply for him and hates everytime he has to "clean up the mess" of hero when he comes back. (Taking care of him as he slowly heals)

U amazing, I feel scared to send a ask sometimes because I feel like I'm annoying so I hope I'm not annoying-

Undoubtedly, the worst part was the burnt skin. Regenerating took time and it was a messy process. But what the villain loathed the most was the burnt skin that healed and needed over a week to thread itself back into an acceptable state.

It was so bad, in fact, that the hero could only lie in bed in agony. Touching the bedsheets was painful and not even cold clothes could help them.

Talking was difficult for the hero, so the villain didn't force them. At first, it had been an uncomfortable silence but after the third death, the villain wasn't bothered by it anymore and the hero didn't seem to be either.

And now the villain was staring at the great hero, gasping for air as their back rose and fell with every breath being taken in. The skin on their back was red, partially burnt, partially open and no matter how much time the villain put into research, no treatment was helping.

"It's a natural process," the hero had said once. "No matter how many times you google 'burnt skin treatment,' it will never give you the result on how to fix me."

But that wasn't really what the villain wanted, now was it? They wanted to make it easier. The hero didn't need repairment. Not at all.

It was the first time that they were at the villain's place. Usually, they managed to get home in time but last week had been anything but pretty. It had been a violent death. Slow and bloody. A cut throat.

The villain didn't want to think about their limp body in their arms. They'd spent hours trying to wash the blood out of their and the hero's clothes.

"Do you need anything?" the villain asked quietly, too afraid to raise their voice. As if by doing that alone, they could hurt the hero's fragile body.

The hero didn't answer and the villain didn't hold it against them. Existing was probably too painful for them right now anyway and the villain already regretted that they had asked.

So, instead of bothering the hero any more, the villain decided to make lunch. Despite the state of their body, the hero had to eat something.

The villain turned around and took a second to collect themselves. However, when they finally felt ready to leave the hero to themselves, the hero moaned their name.

It sounded raw and forced and at first, the villain doubted that they had heard anything at all.

"What?" they asked gently, turning around.

And then, again, the hero mumbled their name, their actual name which had been given to them by their mother. They had never mentioned it, had never revealed it to the hero.

"Hey, relax," the villain said. They knelt beside their bed. "Don't..."

"My first death..." The hero turned around, made a grimace out of pain and finally faced the villain. They shared a gaze and the villain didn't quite know where to place themselves within the deep abyss of the hero's irises. "Car crash."

"You don't have to tell me this, please just rest," the villain said. Sometimes, the guilt would come back up. But the villain tried to make up for that with their actions, tried to help the hero as best as they could.

But really, how could you ever apologise for killing someone?

"A car crash," the hero said again. "I was alone. I died alone."

They took in a deep and painful breath.

"Being a hero...I..." The villain didn't know what they wanted to say. "It's hard..."

"I know, I know. Maybe you should take a break for a while. You need your rest and this isn't helping you. You need a vacation. You need time for yourself, even after you've healed."

"No, I...I was so alone. After a while I wanted..."

"Hey, relax, it's okay, you-"

"I wanted to kill myself," the hero confessed. And for the split of a second, the villain's world crumbled and fell into insane chaos. They forgot how to breathe, forgot how to think properly. They were there physically but not with their head and somehow they got extremely mad at the hero.

"What are you talking about?" They tried to clear their head but that was impossible.

"I...I couldn't die, so I...tried everything. I'm sorry, I didn't want to, I couldn't live like this, I couldn't be so ugly-"

"Oh god," the villain whispered and they were sure they were going to break down any second. "You dumb hero, are you out of your mind?!"

"I have you now," the hero whispered. "I want to get better, I swear."

"You're not leaving this house for a long time," the villain said. Their hands were shaking.

"Please," the hero said. "Don't be upset."

But how could the villain not be upset when they were the one falling for the hero?

[ramblings-of-lola]

I've been thinking about how I want to change my reading. Most of these goals are ones I try to have in the back of my mind anyway but I'm awful at sticking to them. I'm hoping by posting this, it'll be a way to mentally keep me accountable about following them.

I might post a follow up on my wrap ups about how I'm meeting the goals (or how I'm not) if I feel like it or people are curious.

Reading goals:

Read more books I own. I have a tendency to buy or receive books and not read them for years.

Regularly go through Goodreads list to remove books. My Goodreads list often fills up with books that I lose interest in so I want to stay on top of it.

Keep up with reviews for wrap ups. For my monthly wrap ups, I'll sometimes wait until the end of the month before writing my thoughts and can't remember much about the book or why I rated it a certain way.

Finish series, but also take breaks as needed. There's quite a few series I've picked up the first book, took a break, and never picked up the next book again. It's been years for some of these and I want to complete them.

Don't be afraid to DNF. I do okay at this, but I definitely could be better at quitting books I'm not enjoying.

Read more science fiction. This is a genre I think is interesting but I've only read a few books from and I want to get more into it (recommendations would be appreciated).

Read more non-fiction. I don't really read any and I want to because there's so many interesting historical periods, people, and places that I'd love to learn more about.

Less scrolling, more reading. This goal I'm starting to take more seriously lately. I logged out of social media and deleted apps on my phone to help. I'm trying to have scheduled time in my day to read.

Read more children's fiction. This is another way to broaden my reading taste. I love middle-grade and definitely don't read enough of it.

Try poetry. I've never given poetry a shot because I didn't understand it. I've read a few books told in verse and liked them so I want to actually try a book of poems (recommendations for this would also be appreciated).

Try reading random books. Since I discovered the bookish side of the internet, I've basically let it dictate what I read. I almost never read a book anymore unless it's a recommendation from someone online. There's nothing wrong about that, but I'd like to read more obscure books. And there's a certain joy that comes from finding and reading a book you've never heard of.

Try to read more classics. A lot of my favorite movies are based on classics I haven't tried reading. Also, some of my favorite books, like Lord of the Rings and Dune, are classics so I want to try to read more.

Read more historical fiction. I used to read of lot of this genre and now I hardly read it. I still like the genre and I want to try to get back into it.

[my-castles-crumbling]

hi cas!! okay im just gonna pray to the lord that this wouldnt come out racist. week ago my little sister asked me “ people get upset when they draw black people white, so why dont they get upset when they draw white people black??” i honestly never give that much thoughts before so this question really threw me off guard. bc of that i cant give a proper answer to her and shes been asking the same question since then. i was kind of afraid people will saw it as racism so i was hoping that you would understand it and if its not a bother i hooe you can give me an answer to this

loveed the new chap of clandestine btw!! your jegulus makes me feel single in the best way posiible!! hope you had a good day

Ooo okay so please keep in mind that I'm white, so the things I'm saying are based off of what I've learned from research. Please please if someone sees something that is wrong, correct me!

First, I think it's important to listen to what POC have said on this subject. Here is a link to a youtube video I just watched by a POC creator and artist that does an amazing job of breaking down why this is an issue and how to correct it- even going into techniques for drawing darker skin. At time mark 4:25, he answers your specific question. This is, hands down, the best place to get your answer.

Basically, society has a history of whitewashing. For centuries, POC have been erased- taken out of history, not been given proper/literally any rights or voices, literally killed and hunted down. Both their achievements and the way they have been targeted have been purposely not discussed or reported on, and please be aware that even though people disagree, this is still a constant problem. It's not going away.

Society whitewashes in so many ways it's impossible to count them all- giving white people credit for the work of POC; casting white people for the roles of POC characters; basing healthcare rules on research conducted only on white people; teachers taking points from students if they don't use 'Standard' American English and instead speak using AAVE or HVE terms even if they still get answers completely correct; schools only teaching the history of historically white countries and populations; the list goes on and on and on.

Keep in mind too that for years, diversity in literature and media was close to nonexistent in most places. Why? Because any literature created by POC or about POC is not taught or as widely distributed. Think about the books you were/are given in school. Any books from years ago don't have racially diverse characters, and if they do, they either are a caricature of their race, or are solely written about based on the 'struggle of being their race.' They are not given the 'luxury' of personality traits outside their race. It is only recently, as POC have spoken out about this issue and are being given the chance to publish their own work with characters that reflect them, that main characters can both be black AND solve a murder mystery- amazing! (/sarcasm). So now that we are starting to see more diversity in media, it is vital not to take that away.

So, with that knowledge about the history behind whitewashing and lack of racial diversity in media, you now know the context. So when a person chooses to draw a black character as white, they are taking with them all of that history and context. And in a moment, by drawing that character white, they are bringing back that context, and taking away the diversity that is so needed in literature.

And- why? Why do people insist on drawing canonically black characters as white? There is no good reason. People can say "oh, I think she'd be better as white" but that's just racism, plain and simple. If an artist doesn't know how to draw dark skin, they can look up a video.

In contrast, drawing a canonically white character as a different race doesn't take anything from them. It doesn't bring up a history or context with centuries of racism behind it. The only thing it does is add diversity to a fandom and allow people to see characters that look like themselves in media where they might not have.

I hope this makes sense and I hope I've done the topic justice! Please know that any racist or hateful comments on this ask will be deleted, but if someone has anything to add or any corrections to make, please let me know!

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #245

What do you hope you grow out of? Being so reliant on my mom, for one. Once she passes away, that dependence could ruin my life. I WISH I could stop being so afraid of driving, but I very much don't think that will happen. I think it's better for everyone I don't drive.

What is the healthiest and unhealthiest thing you do on a regular basis? Regular basis... uh... I can't even answer that for "healthiest," because I have a very hard time DOING healthy things regularly. Unhealthiest, probably drinking soda. I have one generally two or three times a week.

When looking for a SO, what three things are most important (besides looks)? Understanding, patience, kindness.

How much do you judge a person by their appearance? This is something I deeply try to avoid. Especially as someone who struggles with self-care, who the hell am *I* to judge someone for how they look?

What movie made you cry the most? There's honestly no telling, I cry so easily.

What’s the TLDR description of your last relationship? Two very broken people breaking each other further while trying to hold the other up.

Are you a fan of musicals? If you are, what ones have you seen live and which ones would you like to see? I'm not.

Are you someone who needs to have time alone? I need a lot of alone time.

What’s your favourite type of fast food? Is it something you eat a lot or do you try and limit it? Burgers and fries. We don't eat out a lot.

If you want (or don’t want) kids, is this something you’ve always known or have you changed your mind as you’ve grown up? I've changed my mind a lot.

What’s your opinion on places like SeaWorld? Do you think keeping whales and dolphins in such small enclosures is cruel or a necessary evil? SeaWorld is profoundly evil. You cannot keep animals like whales and dolphins in captivity, and I think that's been proven time and time again. Animals literally kill themselves.

Have your parents traveled to any countries that you have not been to? No.

What’s your favorite type of gemstone? Probably opals of various kinds. I like rubies, too.

Do you prefer sleeping in total darkness, or do you like to have a little bit of light? I like a faint amount of light. It's why I have my moon lamp on.

Would you rather take a class in fencing or archery? Archery.

Has a significant other ever given you the silent treatment during a fight? I think Sara has.

What is something you took for granted when you were younger? Childish energy.

How many bathrooms does your house have? Two.

What are your favorite condiments to put on a burger? Ketchup and mustard. I'm fine with a light amount of mayo, too. Not a whole bunch, though.

Would you have sex with the last person you sent a message to? Yes.

Do you break things when you are mad? No, these people REALLY scare me.

How many different people of the opposite sex have you cried over? Three, but only two were romantic involvements.

Is the person you last texted single? My mom is single.

Have you ever gotten into an accident with your parents’ car? No, but I haven't driven in years and honestly didn't drive that long.

Name a band/artist you like that isn’t that popular. Ngl, I have NO idea who is and isn't popular.

Can you lift your significant other (your best friend if you’re single)? No. He's a normal weight for his height, but I still couldn't do it because I am VERY weak.

What was the worst job you’ve ever had? I think I struggled most when I was in the deli for literally less than two hours. I was VERY much dumped in, and the other ladies that worked there clearly were under the impression I came in knowing what I was doing, when I knew NOTHING. One wasn't very friendly, but at least she softened up when she realized I was struggling. Another wasn't very patient with me. I was not suit for that job at all. I wasn't suited for any job I've ever tried.

Pick one: laundry, dishes, or vacuuming? Vacuuming.

Have you ever moved and had to change schools growing up? No.

Name the most meaningful thing a non-relative has done for you. Let me live with her while we were technically homeless. Colleen was... not a good person, she *really* wasn't, but she was capable of doing kind things. I won't forget that she did this, even if we haven't spoken in years.

You’re going to be a mom/dad; what do you think/do? Abort immediately.

Would you rather have a huge cat or a tiny dog? Huge cat.

Name one difficult lesson you’ve learned. People can say all kinds of things about being there for you and stuff and then basically hate you come tomorrow. People's opinions change fast.

Name one thing you look forward to as you get older. "So many people say that you eventually stop caring so much about what other people think, so I'm really looking forward to that possibility. I'm such a prisoner of other peoples' opinions." <<<< THIS RIGHT HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do you use your hands when you talk to emphasize what you are saying? Yes, I'm a hand-talker.

You own a huge business; what is it? There ain't no way in hell I'm owning a huge business.

Should adopted kids be allowed to find their birth parents if they want to? Only if the birth parent is fine with it. What if the child was adopted out because of rape? What if the parent doesn't want that reminder? I think that's entirely fair.

Name somebody you think died before their time. Steve Irwin, no doubt.

Will you usually admit it when you’ve made a mistake? Usually.

Do you enjoy cooking? Nope.

Do you wish you could go back and change anything about your childhood? I wish I lived in a safer place. I wish my dad wasn't an alcoholic. I wish my parents got along better.

Have you ever been overseas? No.

Who’s your favorite rapper? I guess Eminem, he's the only one with multiple songs I know and like.

Have you ever kissed someone of the same sex? Yes.

Have you ever been caught sneaking out? I've never even tried sneaking out.

Do you have any gift cards in your wallet? No.

What fictional character/s remind you of yourself? Clearsight from Wings of Fire is the one that always comes to mind first. Her extreme overthinking, while trying to be a good person.

What was your college major? If applicable. It changed A LOT... Game design, art, animal biology, photography... maybe even another.

What are you a geek about? Meerkats, tarantulas, Rammstein, Silent Hill.

Are you happy with your weight? Hell no, I think I make that abundantly clear.

How many cats do you have? Just one. Oftentimes I want one more, but I should hold back on that; if Girt and I ever do move in together, he also has a cat, and I think two cats is enough.

How many dogs do you have? One.

How many other pets do you have? One snake! A champagne ball python morph.

How old were you when you got your driver’s license? I'm 28 and still don't have it.

How many of your grandparents are still alive? Zero.

How many apartments have you lived in? Between zero and two, depending on what you count. I've technically "lived" in two, but I wasn't an official resident there.

Who is the best doctor you’ve ever had? My old psychiatrist that I lost because of change in insurance. I was fucking devastated, it played a major role in ending me in the psych hospital again because I was so scared of being without him. I miss him deeply.

Do you have a lot of people blocked on Facebook? I wouldn't say "a lot," but a decent amount. There are people I've blocked because *I* have a bad relationship with them, people my mom has asked me to block so they can't check in on us as a family, and even stupid AI "art" accounts since those are big now. I don't want to see any of your computer-vomit shit.

Are you afraid of spiders? No, I actually love spiders. Don't get me wrong, they can spook me if they just pop up when I'm not expecting it, but in general, I really like spiders.

Are you afraid of snakes? I like snakes even more than most spiders, I have no fear of snakes. I literally have one in my bedroom lmao.

Does everyone in your family know your sexual orientation? No. I'm open about it, but I'm sure not everyone knows.

What is one thing you find offensive? Misuse of the word "retarded"/using it as an insult. You fucking disgust me.

Do you often post about politics on social media? Ha, yes. I don't post my own stuff, just share things I agree with. Politics matter. Young me would never believe I'm saying that.

Would you ever want to go back to school? I already sometimes want to, but it's not realistic. I've dropped out of college three times already.

What do you have handy at your bedside? Whatever book I'm currently reading, the remote to my color-changing moon lamp, and at bedtime, my glasses and phone, but only if I'm charging it. If it doesn't need charging, I just slip it under Girt's pillow. Easier to reach.

Have you ever broken into a public place, like a high school, after it was late and secluded? No.

Would you be interested in going scuba-diving? Sure.

Have you ever been in a cave? No. :(

Do you actually know anyone named ‘Bill’ or ‘Bob’? I have an uncle Bill.

Who were you last in a hot tub with? Jason, Jacob, and Amanda.

Can you knit? Nope.

Can you do the splits? Sure can't, never could, even when I was fit and doing dance.

Would you be satisfied growing up to be like your parents? I love my parents, but no.

How many pictures do you take of yourself in a week? Dude I don't even photograph myself once a month.

Have you ever found a member of the same sex attractive? Well yes, that's kinda part of my sexuality.

Do you count calories? I don't.

Does your sibling have a significant other? All my siblings are either married or engaged now.

Have you ever cried at a real wedding? Yes, but only because it was really triggering trauma. This was in the wake of my break-up.

What do your flip flops look like? They're black Rainbows.

Are there any gadgets of yours that need charging right now? My iPod, it's been dead for like over a month. Mom's old car used to be able to charge it, but now I have to use my computer and I can't be bothered. I've been using my phone for music lately.

Have you ever been called a skank/slut because of the way you dress? No.

Are you a fan of acrylic nails? They can look fine on people, but I'd be driven insane.

[gladstones-corner]

Something Strange

A couple of weeks ago, my wife and I took a trip out of the country with my side of the family. It was really nice, a much needed vacation after two years of working without a real break.

Back at my folks' place, I went to get my Kindle out of the guest room. To do that, I had to pass the laundry room.

Yep. Big mistake.

Now, I've always suspected their home is haunted--though we are the first to live in it since it was built.

Come to think of it, every place I've lived in has been haunted by something. Ugh, something else to think about.

At any rate, I had to pass the laundry room. My parents keep a couple chairs in there that we break out for large gatherings.

I swear to you that I saw someone. A tall, shadowy figure sat in one of the chairs. It had perfect posture. Its hands sat folded in its lap. As I walked by, it swiveled its head to look directly at me.

Listen, I'm no stranger to seeing weird things. I have a psychosis that sometimes causes mild hallucinations. But nothing, and I do mean nothing, that comes from my psychosis gives me the chills like that thing did.

It was real. And it was angry.

My chest tightened and my head swam as I tried to focus on it, but it dissolved before I could really look at it.

It's taken a couple of weeks to process it, but after some meditation and dream work, I believe that what I saw might not have been non-local. I think it was my Shadow.

I won't go into it, but it checks the boxes given my history and what I remember from the last time I met my Shadow.

But that leaves me with a question--what now? Where does one even start with shadow work?

I was too afraid to take the plunge last time, but this time around it seems like it's going to only get worse until I do something about it.

[lonethetraveler]

Oh man, I'm going to go into some Fontaine 4.2 spoilers in a sec, but Furina has been catapulted into my second favorite character slot (that she's now sharing with Baizhu). Don't get me wrong, I liked her before, but after the AQ, she just. Gosh I love her. (Discussion and spoilers under the cut)

First to clarify: when I say Furina, I mean Furina and Focalors together (sort-of) since they're very much different characters, but also closely linked.

I really like the introduction we get to Furina. I love that she's over-the-top and dramatic, claiming herself to just "know such things, as a God does" about the Traveler visiting (oh and how her sending out informants across Teyvat was actually explained as to why she did that). The citizens talking about her as a 'mascot' and just, her having an air of putting on a show to make herself seem more grand. It comes across as vain, or at the very least, grossly overconfident. However, as the plot unfolds, we get to see cracks in the facade she puts on. But what does it mean? Is she actually weak? Does she actually have a deep disregard for her people? By the time we're going to bring her to trial, it kind of seems that way. It seems like she's been slacking off all this time while everyone else in Fontaine has been devising a plan to save the nation.

Then we learn the truth.

The way everything falls into place once Focalors reveals her master plan is so deliciously tragic. Of course Furina is afraid of fighting or facing off against the Knave. She's just a human, one without any vision or combat experience. And her dismissive, aloof, grandiose act is all her somewhat naive idea of how people might see an Archon. It's not even the first persona she tries! When being humble doesn't work, she resorts to an image of someone for whom mere mortals are beneath because it will keep people from questioning her. Really the order she was given was so incredibly tall: convince the nation that you're a God without performing any divine acts. Or even weilding Hydro. But she does it.

Every day she carries out this persona because she knows that, if she fails, everyone will die. Their blood will be on her hands, so she keeps it up, even when she's passed her breaking point. She doesn't even know if her other hall's plan will actually work, has no concrete way to reassure her people because she's been told nothing other than her duties. The fact that she chose not to let down her guard at her lowest, even when she felt convinced by the Traveler is wild. Her resolve is insane, especially considering that she couldn't confide in anyone.

I love the way we get to experience her inner world on the matter as well. That we're placed in a big empty opera house, constantly on a stage with spotlights, hearing voices with no faces. And the music backing off in that section to highlight the feeling of isolation. Not to mention getting to take control of her character so everything that's happening js directed at YOU, I think that was an excellent use of the video game medium.

And just when I thought her character couldn't get any more tragic, it does because she basically gets to witness the prophecy come true. She wasn't present for the conversation between Neuvillette and Focalors, so from all she can tell, Neuvillette and Traveler disappear with her alone in the opera house, witnessing it fill with water as she most likely thinks SHE is responsible for it.

When the water recedes and she comes out, probably expecting abandoned devastation, only for her pace to quicken as she realizes that everyone is still there. The prophecy didn't come to pass. She didn't fail. Man, that got me to cry more than just about anything else in Fontaine.

I just really love Furina, ok. I love the tragedy of her story, and her resolve, and how even the game audience is fooled by her performance. Considering everything, she did such a good job given the hand she was dealt. It makes me so happy that she's finally free of this burden and gets a chance to heal and find the peace and happiness that she's been denied for so long. That her story, her life, won't just end in tragedy.

[determinedwriter]

Whumptober 2023: Day 30: Borrowed Clothing/Bridal Carry

Whumptober 2023: Day 30: Borrowed Clothing

(Continuation of yesterday’s part 2/2)

Tony

“I’m on my way. If anything changes, you call me. Understand?” I urge Peter over the phone.

“Yeah, of course.” He replies.

“If things take a turn and I’m not there, you swing out of there in all your spider glory and take her to the hospital, alright?” I continue. “I’m not losing her. Not tonight. Not ever.”

“You’ve got it, sir.” He says. “Don’t worry. I’ll keep her safe. I promise.”

I pause before hanging up, not wanting leave things like this. “Kid?”

“Yeah?” He replies. “I'm still here.”

I gulp. “Don’t leave her side. P-Please.”

“I won’t, Mr. Stark. Not for a second.” Peter reassures me.

“Good.” I mumble. “If she wakes up, tell her I’m coming.”

“I will.” He says.

I finally hang up after that, speeding to the Parker residence in my suit as soon as possible. Peter called me on his phone before calling me on Ro’s, likely knowing I’d pick up the second time.

I would’ve answered his call if I had known it was serious. I’m kicking myself for wasting any time at all. Ro needs me.

Someone tried to seriously harm her tonight and I wasn’t there. I have to be there for her now. It’s important that I’m by her side.

Which is why I’ve practically begged Peter not to leave her. If I can’t be there immediately, someone has to. Someone. If not me, then Peter’s not a bad candidate. He cares a lot about her. Maybe even loves her.

I’ve always seen that in him. The way he looks at her. It’s pretty obvious he likes her. At least to me it is. I’d like to think I’ve got a keen eye for these things.

I arrive at the apartment in no time at all, rushing to the elevator and hurrying to his floor. I pound on the door, not caring about how late it is or how loud I am. Ro is the only thing on my mind.

May opens the door. “She’s in Peter’s room. Nothing’s changed since you called.”

I push past her with a small, muttered greeting and open Peter’s door without knocking. He’s sitting on the end of the bed, watching Ro as she lies there with his blanket over her.

“Mr. Stark.” Peter says. “I’m glad you’re here…”

I move towards Ro, a terrible fear enveloping me. She looks so fragile that I’m afraid to move too fast or breathe too hard, as if it’ll break her.

She’s not wearing her own clothes, an oversized shirt and sweatpants covering her. “You changed her clothes?”

“May did.” He replies. “Her old ones were…torn.”

“Torn?” I question.

He gulps. “Yeah. Those guys, they…they were so…eager to hurt her.”

My heart shatters. “Oh.”

“Ro…” I mumble. “Ro, it’s Dad. I’m here now.

I’m sorry if I took too long. I came as quickly as I could, baby. I promise.”

She doesn’t move, which scares me. “I’m bringing her to the compound. The medbay can help her.”

Peter nods. “Okay.”

I hoist her in my arms and fly right to the facility, calling in Dr. Cho to take a look at her. She’d better be alright. I can hardly hear her breathing. That alone is enough to cause me to panic.

When I get there, Dr. Cho and Dr. Banner are already waiting to help. Thank God. “She was drugged.” I explain. “Attempted rape. Spider kid was with her and he doesn’t know what the hell happened. All I know is he didn’t have anything to do with it. He beat the asses of the ones that did though.”

“As he should.” Dr. Cho comments.

Bruce takes Ro from my arms and places her on an exam bed, taking her vitals when suddenly her eyes open.

She looks very out of it, opening her mouth to say something when she starts to vomit, too weak to turn herself over to not choke.

The two doctors immediately turn her on her side and I grab her hand. “You’re alright. You’re okay. I don’t know how much you can hear me right now, but you’re safe now. It’s Dad. You’re safe and everything’s alright.”

Ro is soon passed out again, Bruce taking a blood sample to test for drugs. She’s definitely not sober, but I wouldn’t be able to say what she’s been given.

I’ve done a lot of partying in my day, but I don’t particularly recognize any of Ro’s symptoms.love you, kid. Keep breathing. That’s all you’ve gotta do. I’m not leaving you.”

He places an oxygen mask over her face. “There you go, kid. In and out.”

After enough time and close monitoring, Ro wakes up disoriented and afraid, gasping softly. “H-Hmm…?”

“You’re safe, you’re alright.” I reassure her quickly. “It’s me.”

Tears cascade down her cheeks in an instant and she starts to whimper. “D-D-Dad?”

“Yeah, it’s me.” I reply. “I’m here and you’re okay. I’ve got you.”

She squeezes my hand. “L-Love you.”

“Love you tons.” I tell her.

It’s a long road, but I’m going to be here for her.

I’ll never leave her.