#while i am terrified for my life every moment that i spend living here. i can also see the skinny young woman surrounded by guns

[haarute]

just now, someone broke into my very next door (our buildings are connected) neighbor's place as they were away on a trip. they noticed over security cam livestream footage and contacted everyone. a bunch of cops with rifles and shotguns then showed up right in front of my bedroom window, broke into their house, and took away this singular unarmed woman who had snuck in and was hiding inside of their trailer in the garage.

the sergeant told my mom not to worry because they took several items (like a fire extinguisher) from my neighbor's place and were going to straight up lie about why she was being brought up to the precinct by saying that she was stealing/using said items so they can detain her for longer.

i'm feeling a lot of things right now

[edenmemes]

baldur's gate 3 starters (part 1)

part 1 / ? .

❝ a less trusting person might think this all sounds very suspicious. ❞ ❝ you say all the right words, but i’m not sure you mean the right things. ❞ ❝ i know somewhere quiet. somewhere intimate. somewhere we can…indulge in each other. ❞ ❝ eugh, don’t be nice to me. it makes me want to be nice back. ❞ ❝ we needn’t be enemies. there’s plenty of those to go around already. ❞ ❝ there’s a steeliness to you, an unwavering tenacity in the face of, to be frank, quite dire odds. ❞ ❝ even the waves of fate can break upon the shores of will. ❞ ❝ i appreciate anyone that opens a conversation with threats of bodily harm. ❞ ❝ oh, you know me - ever the optimist. i’m trying to focus on the positives. ❞ ❝ i’m not easily impressed by people, but you’re stronger than i gave you credit for. ❞ ❝ there’s an air about you. something alien. ❞ ❝ loosen the grip on your pride for one blasted moment, won’t you? ❞ ❝ it’s been a long time since someone stuck their neck out for me like that. ❞ ❝ there’s something odd about this village. people skulk around like they’ve something to hide. ❞ ❝ you know, if you want to spend time with me, you only have to say so. ❞ ❝ i want to know what the world sees when it looks at me. what you see. ❞ ❝ what’s better than a devil you don’t know? a devil you do. ❞ ❝ you must know that you’re…that you’re very special to me. ❞ ❝ the gods are nothing if not vindictive in their vengeance. ❞ ❝ stay with me a while, will you? day will come all too soon. ❞ ❝ here’s my little treat with their cheeks all flushed. ❞ ❝ i am terrified. i will not claim otherwise. ❞ ❝ my apologies. i’m not quite myself yet. i had the strangest dream last night. ❞ ❝ we didn’t die today. tomorrow, perhaps. but not today. ❞ ❝ leader’s need to make tough decisions. we do what we must. ❞ ❝ i think that unknowable powers come with unknowable consequences. ❞ ❝ i’ve had a lifetime’s fill of watching little men puff themselves up with grand titles. ❞ ❝ in these times, all we can trust are the blades in our hands. ❞ ❝ it’s not easy to turn away from one you once loved. ❞ ❝ much has been promised to you, hasn’t it? but what has been taken from you? ❞ ❝ damn it all. i can do nothing right - not a damn thing. ❞ ❝ every instinct i have tells me that nothing’s changed. that i’m still just a means to an end. ❞ ❝ do not speak of a story you only know the half of. ❞ ❝ i dreamt every night that you’d come back to me. that somehow it was all a nightmare dawn would undo. ❞ ❝ when the time comes to strike, you must take it. for there may be only one chance. ❞ ❝ your eyes. there is pain, endless and deep. but also devotion - blazing like the sun. ❞ ❝ you’re adorable even when you’re teasing me. ❞ ❝ i don’t need your help, and i don’t need your pity. ❞ ❝ i’m more than what i was. and i’m not afraid of anything any more. ❞ ❝ i said exactly what i meant: i love you. you should never, never doubt that. ❞ ❝ this is all like some sort of terrible dream. but it’s real, isn’t it? ❞ ❝ there is no redemption. can’t you see? it is too late. ❞ ❝ i don’t know that it was brave. i just know that it was right. ❞ ❝ you took those bastards down like it was nothing. it…was amazing. ❞ ❝ they underestimated me. so they paid the price. ❞ ❝ we fight, we die, and we just hope that when our time comes, there is someone else to take our place. ❞ ❝ unfortunately for me, you’re my friend. rescuing you from mortal peril is my right. ❞ ❝ what did you think i was going to say? 'oh, come here, i'll kiss you better'? ❞ ❝ flowers are so overrated. they're bright, gaudy, and almost never make good poisons. ❞ ❝ i’ve been lied to, my whole life. and i was gullible enough to just believe it. ❞ ❝ you know, i never pictured myself as a hero. never thought i'd be the one they toast for saving so many lives. and now that i'm here…i hate it. ❞ ❝ you know, i feel a connection between us. like we're two souls walking the same path. ❞ ❝ the forgiving sort, are you? you should be careful. plenty would take advantage of that. ❞

❝ it’s as if god made you just to ruin me. ❞ ❝ perish the thought. every word i said was nothing less than true. ❞ ❝ you have a manner of irresistible desperation about you. i like it. ❞ ❝ i got my eye on you. you got the look of a troublemaker. ❞ ❝ i’m starting to think you’re my guardian angel. ❞ ❝ it seems you know me better than i know myself. ❞ ❝ you…you have no idea what you’ve done. ❞ ❝ they say madness and genius are separated by but a hair’s breadth. perhaps the same is true of madness and stupidity. ❞ ❝ oh, it’s you. don’t you get tired of telling people how to live their lives? ❞ ❝ good morning! thank you for not killing me the other night. ❞ ❝ when the time comes to strike, you must take it. for there may be only one chance. ❞ ❝ it is good to savour the moment of victory - but pace bg3 syourself. our fight is just beginning. ❞ ❝ i was too hasty to judge you. i thought you were witless, gutless, unimpressivably bland… ❞ ❝ yours is the first happy face i’ve seen in a good while. ❞ ❝ when hope has been whittled down to the very marrow of despair – that’s when you’ll come knocking on my door. ❞ ❝ thank you, my friend. maybe we’ll meet again, in another life. ❞ ❝ you’ll regret sticking your nose in my business. ❞

[yuurivoice]

We've hit the stage of Echoes of Evalas' creation that I'm spending a lot of my quiet time with scenes and characters, including time that is usually occupied by...well, nothing creative. At least, it hasn't been creative time in a long while.

Some of the dearest and most important moments of my young creative daydreaming was before bed. If I might overshare, it was specifically as I lay in bed and tried to drown out unpleasantness I'd hear from other rooms of the house. I'll spare you the details.

I didn't even have music at the time, though in later years as I became a depressed teen, I'd throw some music on my computer to fantasize and fall asleep to.

Oftentimes, these stories and characters I'd contemplate were favorites from various things I enjoyed. In time they'd adapt and evolve into something of my own, in worlds and stories of my own making.

Sometimes it wasn't so grand. There were no sweeping narratives or adventures. Just some self insert character being comforted by a friend or a lover.

Recent nights, I've thrown on my EoE playlist and let my mind wander. I haven't really done that in a long time. Haven't had the need to these days. I'm not running from much. Life is quiet. But as I start to turn over more stones and find what's beneath some of the characters and themes I'm exploring, I've found myself here again.

I don't know if anyone will love what I am making, and I never have. Every person who has let my characters and stories into their hearts means a whole lot to me, though. I've not forgotten when all of this was nothing more than a comfort to myself to soothe away all my fear and loneliness.

As it all starts to come together I'm seeing a stark difference between where I am at as a writer and creative in general in comparison to BitterSweet Chapter 1, as I've revisited it recently.

The pieces were there but it's so clear to me that I didn't have the conviction that I do now. I didn't have the comfort or security of knowing that I can take chances and be bold. I thought I had to color within the lines, and lacked the confidence to really let it rip.

So as much as I've been looking forward, I've also looked back. Further back than I typically like to.

When Charlie said he never thought he'd be this old, that was real shit man. I was a morbid kid. I have a crystal clear memory of being on a school bus in Washington state. Blink 182 just dropped an album. I hate Blink 182, but I listened with a friend whose face I can barely remember. As the high schoolers got on the bus I remember thinking...damn, I'll never be that old.

Not sure what could possess a child to feel that way. Or how that feeling could linger for years. It took a long time to find enough faith in myself to live. Now that I've got it, I think I'm encouraged to give breath to those lost dreams and wandering fantasies. Echoes of Evalas is an exploration of that.

I can't even grasp what that really means yet.

Things like faith, anger, insecurity, and longing for change. I've rattled a lot of locked doors while digging up this story and putting it together.

I am uneasy. That's probably how I've ended up writing this essay in bed, and boy is it a rambling one.

There was a point somewhere. I am excited for what's to come, but uneasy. Not out of fear that anyone will like it or content brained thinking like that. More like...a reverence for this magical thing I've found. Storytelling is magical for me. And that's not me waxing poetic, I think there's something terrifying and beautiful about it. It is the thing I was made to do, and the actual experience of crafting a story like this isn't just fun. I'm removing chains from my soul.

If that ain't magic, I don't know what is.

Anywho, I need to sleep. If you read all that, thank you for putting up with my yapping. 💖

[ch4nb4ng]

The Pompous Lawyer II

Pairing: Changbin x afab!reader

Word count: 13.7k (WOOPS FR THIS TIME)

Genre: enemies to lovers

Warnings: 18+ explicit minors do not interact. Choking, kissing, arguing, mentiosn of naked body, handjob (m receiving), penetration, orgasm, dirty talk.

Tag list: @seo--changbin @j-0ne25 @cb97whoree

@kpopsstuffs

Note: HEY guys, its been a while. This took me a long time to write i am very much sorry :(((( I hope you enjoy and i hope everyone is doing well. I also appreciate all the support that I have received in my absence as well <3 Inspo is (here) (also psa thats literally visual porn you have been warned!!)

Summary: The case had not progressed, seeing as the two of you chose to spend the time together doing something else. But going back to the bickering enemies you were before may be harder than it seems.

The smirk on Felix’s face was apparent when he saw you walk into the break room, ready for another day of work. At this point in time, it was best for you to ignore his presence, you wanting to at least enjoy one sip of coffee before being berated.. It was also your luck that he was enjoying a light hearted chat (or so you thought) with your rookie, Hyunjin, out of all people, before they both went silent, waiting for you to take up the empty seat at their chair. Your best friend’s mouth was already open before your elbows could even relax on the table.

“Did you do it or not?”

A hand came to your chest as you rapidly placed your cup on the empty table, leaning forward as the liquid barely had time to swallow before choking, hard, the coffee going every pathway except your throat.. 

“That’s the first thing you ask at your grown up age?”

He shrugged, unbothered by your criticism as he continued looking, waiting for an answer to his ludicrous question. You had two options; lie and tell Felix that it was just a brief consultation, leaving him with no further questions and him continuously being suspicious, or tell him the truth and live a life of never ending embarrassment. 

“Just answer Y/n.”

Hyunjin had never received a death glare so terrifying in his life. 

“Is that how you talk to your T.O?”

“Stop deflecting,” Felix whined, hitting you on the knee, “did you do it or not?”

“No,” you laughed, the exaggeration of your chuckle making it obvious that you were lying, “it was just a brief consultation and beginning of preparation for the trial seeing as it’s next week.”

“Sure it was,” the rookie smirked, tongue poking the inside of his cheek before you stormed out of the room; being ganged up on wasn’t something that you wanted to deal with right now. Sitting at your desk and recording a stack of torturous paperwork was somehow much better than your best friend and rookie prying into your personal life,, together. 

It did not take long for them to follow, forgetting the convenience being that your desks were right next to each other. You decided to ignore them, letting your fingertips type away on the raised keys in front of you. It was only a matter of time before you knew that there would most certainly be a time where you had to face the consequences of your actions. Did you regret it? The logical part of you was saying a little. This had to be some sort of conflict of interest, any kind of vocabulary that could be applied to this situation was being applied. Mixing business and pleasure was probably not the greatest idea. Wanting to take back what happened yesterday evening would be the right thing to do; but being smart was tiring. Letting your brain shut off for a brief moment to enjoy the pleasures of life that was physical gratification from your enemy really wasn’t so bad, right? It was nice for now, mainly because it was all you had roaming around in your mind. 

That was, of course, until you saw the wide doors of the precinct open, and saw the pompous lawyer, with his ridiculously priced suit, compromising shirt that showcased way too much, and that stupid briefcase that had the gold plating on the exterior seams. God, it was so fucking annoying. The way you knew that your eyes would immediately dart to his handsome features. His sharp eyebrows, slicked back hair, his lips. Fuck. His lips were something you already noticed prior to your rendezvous, but now it was a whole different story, with a whole new meaning behind it. His walk was elegant, like all of a sudden he changed the way he strutted, still like he owned the place, but for some reason it wasn’t as annoying. You were kidding yourself if you were unaware of why your perception had changed so suddenly. Your eyes quickly darted back to the computer screen. It was better to ignore him at the station. All the officers had spoken before, and you would rather truly die than for it to come out here, from him, or you in the heat of the moment, out of all places. It was also just less of a mindfuck. Not having Changbin in your sight was not going to leave your mind trailing to what might be. 

“Y/n quick Changbin is here!”

“Fuck,” you mumbled under your breath, “if he asks tell him I’m not here.”

Your fall to the floor was sudden, hitting the top of your head in the process. The thud could be heard from a mile away, the painful groan following as well. It wasn’t a coincidence that you were under the huddle of your desk, and the name of the pompous lawyer had been mentioned. When you were back on your knees, visible to your coworkers, cussing them out seemed like the perfect option.

“Are you guys fucking serious-”

“Y/n?”

The anxiety in your stomach rose when you heard Changbin’s voice. The pompous lawyer was standing right there, and boy, did he catch you red handed. You were facing him, eyes at length with his own as you looked up at him. That smirk. That used to be the evil fucking smirk that now makes the hairs on your arms raise straight up in stature. The spiral was immense, immediate as soon as your eyes were on him. From the time you left his office last night, to when you drove home, ate your dinner, slept, woke up, and came to work. It was easy to be in denial. Easy to never come to the realization of ‘holy fuck I slept with someone I hate.”

But when the situation, AKA, Changbin, was staring you in the face, the feeling of denial was practically non-existent. All the memories of him flooded back in an instant. A heavy gulp swallowed in your throat, eyes wide as he continued to ponder down at you, and you hated that your mind immediately went to the gutter, mouth watering at the implication of being on your knees in front of this man. You could even see the pompous lawyer clench his jaw for a brief moment, another immediate shift in his demeanor as his eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

“Are you hiding under the table?”

“What? No I,” you huffed, not protecting your head and hitting it, again, one hand holding the base of your head, the other leaning on your desk to help you rise back to your feet. God this was fucking embarrassing, and your two cowokers snickering behind you was not helping the embarrassment at all.

“I just dropped my pen.”

The pompous lawyer crouched down, bending his knees all the way as his eyes scanned the indoor concrete flooring, not a pen in sight. His devil coated smirk covered his face as soon as his knees came back 180 degrees. Fuck your life. That fucking smirk! Before, it was the bain of your existence. The sole reason behind your anger and overall frustration with arrogant lawyers, district attorneys; basically anyone that you had to work with that wasn’t police or innocent civilians. But now, that smirk carried so many connotations. The flashbacks were immediate as you tried so hard to suppress and deny the ideas flooding your brain like a dam wall when there is a rain storm. Your heart rate accelerated, and the temperature of the precinct suddenly felt a little too hot. All you could do was stand there, looking at him wide eyed, knowing exactly what he was going to say.

“I didn’t see any pens there.”

“Hello Changbin,” Felix chimed in, a rather unusual grin when looking at the pompous lawyer, “how’s the trial prep going?”

The smirk on his face dropped immediately. The color drained from his face, the complexion of a ghost-like complexion covering his skin. He was now panicking, bad. There had been no time to get your stories straight. Did Felix know? Did he not? Changbin had way too much pride to tell a stranger, let alone someone he knew was your close friend, to him, about his private life. One that involved colleagues and criminal justice moreso. He also found it strange. Strange that Felix firstly used his name without mumbling it under his breath, and secondly, actually asking a question, inquiring about something that had nothing to do with him. The look of stress was a sigh of relief, knowing that the pompous lawyer completely forgot that he had caught you out.

“Uh good,” he quickly acknowledged, giving Felix his attention for all of 10 seconds, before turning to you again, “I actually came here to talk to you about that.”

“Oh,” you nodded, nothing remotely close to a smile, “can we talk later today? I just have a lot of paperwork that I need to get done by patrol time which is in,” you paused, taking a quick glance at the digital watch on your wrist, “1 hour.”

Changbin let out a nervous laugh.

“You can’t talk now?”

“No,” you huffed, “I just said that. Surely there is another reason you’re at the precinct?”

He shook his head, biting down on his bottom lip. Fuck it really shouldnt turn you on as much as it just did.

“What,” you chuckled, “haven’t got any clients in detention right now?”

“Uh-uh,” he smiled again, “I just came to talk to you quickly and then I have a meeting in the building next door.”

Your heart rate increased rapidly at his words; and that smile. God that fucking smile. It was too nice to look at, his lips making yours turn up in unison, eyes glued to the floor as it was much too intimidating to maintain eye contact with him at this moment. The tension felt thick, and the room suddenly felt like everyone else had disappeared, the two of you only existing in this space. A small giggle erupted from your lips, yet another reminder of what happened that last time only the two of you shared a space. The space solely between the two of you felt like it was getting smaller itself. 

“Ah-ahem.”

The sweet little moment was interrupted by the burning craters that were 2 pairs of eyeballs burning the left side of your face. You turned to them, a smile wiped off your face the moment you saw their grins. You tucked your hair behind your eyes, snapping back into reality mode. An immediate spark of anger rushed through your body, for two different reasons. One was that everything you told yourself in the morning, to deny and suppress. Secondly, the fact that you had been caught out, and humiliated in front of the two people that you interacted with the most during work hours. Now it would be even harder to deny.

“Ok so I’ll talk to you later?”

“What time?”

“I should be done patrol at like 3.”

“Okay well I’m busy after 3 so can I just talk to you now?”

“No,” you snapped, frustration increasing from Changbin not listening to you, “I just said that I can’t.”

“It’s going to take 10 minutes. Surely you can spare that?”

“Why? Because my work is not as important as yours?”

“No,” he scoffed, scratching his face out of his own frustration, “because I need to tell you before the end of the day.”

“Okay well I don’t know what you want me to tell you.”

The sound of the precinct was softening, the sounds of other conversations coming to a halt, the only one that could be heard was the two of you with your in character bickering. People were starting to look, but you would not let Changbin get the last word out of you; this was always the case. He said nothing, jaw clenching at your non-compliance.

“Can’t you just tell me now, at this desk?”

“No,” he mumbled, “it’s kind of private.”

“Just say it now I’m sure it’s not that bad.”

“What part of it’s private do you not understand?”

“Changbin if it’s about the case you can say it, everyone knows who he is.”

The pompous lawyer panicked, trying to say anything to keep your attention that he was so desperate for.

“So you,” he sighed, hesitating before he spoke again, “ so you want me to tell everyone that he said you’re a bad cop and he knew from the day he became your T.O?”

The look on your face was unexplainable.You were speechless. An immediate pang, which felt like a gunshot, shot straight to your heart. It should have made you more angry. Fuming that he would say something like that. But really, it just made you sad. It was genuinely hurtful, even though he was a criminal, to hear someone that you were so close to and looked up to speak ill of you. The hundreds of times he had said to your face how proud they were. It was all a lie.Suddenly the air felt thick, making it hard for you to catch your breath, gasp, breathe for air, the walls were closing in, and there was nowhere to escape. 

He, Changbin, could read it on your face. He couldn’t quite put a finger on what it was, but he knew that something wasn’t right. It was an emotion he had never seen on your face before. You were speechless, he was also speechless. The guilt hit him like a truck, twisting in his gut like the actions of a murderer with a knife. He stepped forward, a hand coming to your shoulder, but it was too late, your back was turned, and the closest free interrogation room felt like the right place to be as you locked the door behind you. A tear threatened to spill from your duct, finger immediately wiping any possible remnant of clear liquid before it could make a mark as you sat in the chair nearby as thought after thought after thought ruminated in your stress riddled mind. 

It wasn’t a surprise to hear a knock on the door. It was a surprise, however, that when your eyes peeked through the small glass window that covered the center of the door, it was the pompous lawyer that had come to your rescue. You quickly ducked down, praying that he didn’t see you. 

You shouldn’t be mad at him, but he really was the last person you wanted to see at that moment. It was too late though, the click of the door easily audible and now it was him, in the same room, looking at you, huddled up on the floor. The list of things to be embarrassed about was becoming easier to identify.

“Hey,” he mumbled, the volume of his voice lowering, practically non-existent at the last letter of the greeting. You quickly stood, humiliated that it was not the first time this day he had found you like this. You said nothing, a quick sniffle escaping your nose as you stood to face him.

“Look, Y/n, I-”

“Did he really say that?”

Changbin let out a heavy sigh as he averted your gaze, “I don’t think he meant it.”

Your eyebrows furrowed, genuine confusion expressed over your facial features. You began to pace back and forth, index finger in your mouth as your brain began to rewire itself. Trying to think of every single moment you shared with your T.O. Were there times on the job that he was doing dirty things behind your back? How did he do it? There was no doubt in your mind he was guilty, but the situation never failed to play games with your mind. It was a vicious cycle. Wanting to help him, but remembering he did everything you stood against, questioning why, how, trying to convince yourself he was a good person, and repeat. It was in fact where your mind was right now, and he could see it. It was written all over your face. Although you were ‘special’ as he said, you were not the first person to testify for a client of his that had a reaction like this. 

“Why would he say that though? It makes no sense.”

You continued to pace, making him worried very much so. Although he hated your guts, seeing you in this kind of anxiety, it made him feel for you. He stepped forward, attempting to prevent you from pacing back and forth, but it was no use. You were much too deep in thought.

“Y/n.” 

Nothing

“Y/n.”

His tone increased in volume the more you ignored him.

“Y/n,” he sighed again, “y/n?”

Fuck he did not enjoy being the lack of being acknowledged in the slightest. The blight on his ego was simply too big. 

“That’s it.”

He huffed, pacing over and perfectly timing his attack so that he could nip at your wrists, pushing your body weight backwards and against the door, hands above your head, just like last night. The look in the pompous lawyer's eyes, however, was slightly different. Not close to being as gentle or placid at the last time your proximity was so close. It took your mind out of that toxic loop instantly, the only noise you could make was a gasp. Maybe you blanked. Maybe you just completely dissociated, because you really had no idea how you ended up here, again, pinned against a hard surface, Changbin the one pinning you down. Brows still furrowed, a frustration was rising on your chest. No matter how hard you pushed, he would not budge. He was simply too strong for you. The thought made your heart race. Your chest was heaving up and down, breathing heavily as your body tried to make up for the pacing that was most definitely a workout for some, and you as well apparently.

“What are you doing?”

You tried again, a soft groan of pain escaping your lips as your elbow hit the wooden door. 

“Stop trying to escape, and listen.”

“Why should I listen to you?”’

It was now the pompous lawyer’s turn for his facial expressions to change. He was biting down on his bottom lip, jaw clenched as he just waited, simply waiting for you to, for once, not be as stubborn as usual.

“Because I’m trying to help you.”

“How are you helping me,” your tone was angry, the tremble in your voice was small, but it was definitely there, “ever since you’ve made me a part of the case, you’ve done nothing but hurt me. You’re doing it right now.”

His immediate reaction was to let go. The thought, to him, of genuinely hurting you in any way killed him on the inside. Before, it was a minute detail in his day; well, that was how it started for him. Day by day, it became the thing he looked forward to. Sure, his clients were important, but the moment Changbin saw your look of distaste from the moment your eyes met, there was a satisfaction. A gratification. If he went to the precinct and you weren’t there, he got stuck on it. He would never admit this, but arguing with you tends to be the highlight of his day. 

Hearing you say such words now; the impact was different this time.

“I’m sorry, I,” he hesitated, knowing you were in a vulnerable state, “I didn’t mean to.”

His voice was quiet, but it didn’t matter to you. The anger that was bubbling at the peak of your chest was making you too blind to see his genuine regret he had in the moment.

“You’re not helping me. You just embarrassed me in front of the precinct, again.”

“I didn’t mean to,” he hissed, starting to get annoyed by your antics, “I wanted to tell you in private, but you insisted on me telling you in the moment.”

The eye roll from you was immense.

“You have got to be fucking kidding me.”

“What,” you asked, unsure why he was reacting the way he did.

“Don’t fucking roll your eyes at me, I’m trying to fucking help you.”

“How have you helped me, huh?”

You took a step closer to him, then another, the pompous lawyer refusing to back down from your attempted intimidation. The two of you knew better than to participate in a subtle, yet strenuous tension in the form of a face off. Before it never led to anything, but with the events of yesterday already adding another layer of tension to the complication of your relationship, things were about to take another turn. Maybe it’s what you wanted. Maybe he too also wanted that. But you could list a bunch of other unsatisfactory tasks you would rather do than admit it. The space between the two of you was closing in an immediate time frame, the silent tension of the room deafened slightly by the footsteps that were your boots. Changbin’s heel on his obnoxiously luxurious dress shoes clicked backwards with each step he took. It was now his turn to be backed into a corner, wide shoulder hitting the back wall, opposite to the door. If anything happened now, anyone would be able to see through the window of the door. 

Your care for that was irrelevant as your back faced it, the thought not even coming into your mind.

“Why are you so silent now?”

“Because,” he gritted his teeth, “I did fucking help you.”

An exacerbated laugh fell from your lips, “You talk the talk, but you can never walk the walk Mr. Seo.”

It was his turn to smirk, his left hand dared to snake around your waist, fingertips traveling your midline, stepping at the edge of your neck. His thumb and index finger split ways, the pad of your digit giving your neck a gentle squeeze. Your eyelids fluttered involuntary, hating that your body craved him once the pompous lawyer's touch became existent. He could feel you, you were tense. Even the way your head slouched, shoulders decompressing, and then he squeezed again. God you should have fucking hated this. Swiped his hands away and punched him. How dare a man think he could just do that. 

But Changbin was only doing what you said. Proving that he could do the talk and the walk; all of a sudden the pompous lawyer was speaking a thousand words with two simple maneuvers of his finger tips. An unexplainable moan left your lips, the texture of his fingers feeling almost too perfect to gain your own skin.

“Ringing any bells now?”

You couldn't say nothing, the combination of your circulation being impacted and the secondary fact being that you would never admit when you were wrong. Although morally questionable, he did help you in his own way. Your lips began to tingle, unsure if it was from his grip on your throat, or the unexplainable feeling that could be equated to the dopamine high of the texture that was Changbin’s lips, but one thing was for sure. The longer he had you like that, the stronger the intensity to need him right here, right now became. 

When your eyelids fluttered open again, you couldn’t help but smile, now partly embarrassed of how easy it was for him to persuade you. Remind you of how good he could make you feel. The pompous lawyer, in his own way, was helping you get through this. 

“Fuck, I’m gonna regret this.”

You gave him no time to respond, walking backwards, dragging him by the hand around your neck as his backside landed on the edge of the table once more, your own legs atop of his as you now sit on his lap, lips lunging forward and connecting with him immediately. It was completely forgotten the environment you were in the moment the two of you connected. Everything felt so much clearer, like there was a pathway out of all of this. The pompous lawyer withdrew his hand from your throat, instead, snaking both to hold your ass in place. A deep groan escaped his lips as soon as he got his hands on your flesh. He was subtle with his touch here, a light rhythm of massage forming as the kiss deepend further and further, all of your senses focused on the texture, sound, smell of the pompous lawyer.

“Fuck,” you mumbled inbetween each kiss, “this is so unprofessional of me.”

He chuckled, the vibration easily felt against your lips as they left yours, covering the outer edge of your jaw, teeth gently biting down on your lobe, but that was it. It should be illegal how good his teeth felt fucking biting down on your like that. The pompous lawyer smirked, able to elicit the exact response he wanted.. He knew that you definitely were remembering how he was helping you.

“You never answered me,” he growled, voice laced with deep lust, the wanton need for you was eating him alive.

“You didn't ask a ques-”

“They’re fucking crazy.”

The voice through the speaker of the interrogation room took you out of the lust filled dimension that had engulfed you and brought you back to reality. The pompous lawyer knew he had been caught in a compromising position. He was much too experienced to know what that sound meant. The interrogation rooms at the precinct had a one sided mirror, allowing detectives to watch perpetrators when being interviewed, as well as if they needed to communicate with personnel during. Not for officers to be snooping on personal matters.

“Hyunjin what the fuck? Turn the one-sided reflection off and show me what you're doing right now.”

He did what he was told, the glass showing the sheepish, mischievous duo that was Hyunjin and Felix. Had they been there the whole time? Fuck. This is quite literally the worst thing that has ever happened to you in your life. The world was flashing before your eyes, and you knew damn well that there was no possible way that you could ever live this down. They also looked just as shocked, assuming they thought they were too slick to be caught. Changbin stood up immediately, bringing his hands to either side of his suit jacket in an attempt to straighten himself up. He checked his phone, pretending that he had a missed call from ‘someone important.’

“Oh uh, I have to go, I missed a call from a client.”

“Oh yeah sure,” you nodded, “you should probably take that.”

He nodded, eyes glued to the ground because quite frankly, he'd rather get hit by a bus than even having a chance of making eye contact with the two male officers standing in front of them. He went to walk out, meeting the two officers he wished to avoid outside of the room with you, the two of them watching your every movement. He looked at you once more, giving you a smile without lips or teeth, kind of like when you pass a stranger in the street and want to be nice.

“I have room tonight if you want to uh, discuss more about what we have been talking about.”

“For the case right?”

“Yes,” he yelled, way too loud and a poor strive of trying to come off as cool, calm and collected, the opposite of how someone should be after they have been caught making out with their sworn enemy. He coughed, adjusting his tone, “Yes of course, I’ll text you the time.”

“Yeah great okay bye.”

The pompous lawyer sped walk into the opposite direction. A sigh of relief escaped your chest the moment he was out of everyone’s sight. It was now time for your two best friends to cop the biggest grilling of their life. But later, you were honestly way too annoyed that Changbin riled you up and they interrupted such a hot, arousing moment. It was killing you the way that they didn’t even look apologetic. If anything, they looked like they were about to burst at the seams with laughter. There definitely was an “I told you so” bubbling at the brim of their lips.

“I don’t want to hear a fucking peep out of either of you for the rest of the day.”

The walk from the room to the seat was painful, the snickers and giggles erupting behind you only adding to your frustration. Even the moment you sat back down at your desk, they were burning holes into the side of your face with their eyes. You could only take so much. But at the same time it was impacting you from getting your work done, and that was where you drew the line. 

“How much did you hear?”

The two of them looked at each other, then back at you, a guilty expression written on their faces.

“Do you really want to know?”

“Would I ask if I didn’t?”

“We kind of followed Changbin for about 30 seconds after he went to look for you so he wouldn’t see us.”

A heavy sigh escaped your chest at their unfortunate confession.

“Ok,” you huffed, turning to face them. You really wished you weren't going to ask this, but it was better, you thought, to get it out in the open now, rather than being the elephant in the room.

 “I will let you both ask one question each and after that we never speak of it again. Deal?”

They both nodded, thank fuck.

“Okay, who is going to go first?”

“Me me me please,” Felix whined, kicking his feet up and down like a literal child throwing a tantrum.

“Okay go ahead.”

He smirked before opening that big mouth of his again, “what did he mean when he said,” he paused, adjusting his voice to imitate the pompous lawyer, tucking his chin in and lowering his head, thinking that would help achieve the sound he wanted.

“I did fucking help you.”

Your head was buried in your hands immediately. There was just no way you could answer. It would be opening a can of worms. You knew there would be no way that the two of them would be able to limit themselves.

“With the case. T.O is apparently saying a lot of bad stuff about me.” 

Felix knew as soon as your eyes darted away from him that you were definitely not telling the truth.

“You’re lying.”

You gasped, “No I’m not! How dare you even accuse me of that?”

Hyunjin smirked, “Y/n I’m sorry I know you’re my T.O and im 100% going to be stepping over the line here. But do you really expect us to believe that was the first time you have made out with that man?”

Your jaw dropped in disbelief. What were you even supposed to say to that? It was embarrassing because he hit the nail bang on the head. It took you back to last night, in his office, his length, his body that you saw always straining against that insufferable fabric, his hands, his fingers. The images of his hands on your core flashed through your mind for a brief moment, making you feel a little dizzy.

Hyunjin raised his hands towards you as he spoke again, “It looked like he really knew what he was doing with you.”

“Okay fine! You got me okay! It’s not the first time.”

“So when was the first time?”

“Last night,” you mumbled, turning away from them completely so the chance of them seeing what you said was zero to none.

“What?”

“You heard me.”

“Uh no,” Felix replied sarcastically, “I actually didn’t.”

“It was last night. At his office.”

The two of them said nothing, instead, Hyunjin reached into his desk drawer, pulling out a 10 dollar note and a pack of mini m&ms from the vending machine. 

“I fucking told you!” Felix yelled, causing half the precinct to stare. The three of you shriveled into your desks, whispering now seeming like the appropriate way to continue the conversation.

“Okay,” Hynunjin’s tone in a whisper was harsh, “you have to tell us the sequence of events.” “No I don’t? That’s so personal.”

“Oh yes you do,” your best friend interjects, whirling around in his chair to get closer to the two of you in the desk triangle, closing you in with nowhere to escape.

“Fine. You know I went there with innocent intentions. To talk about the case and that’s it.”

They nodded, but you huffed, knowing that you were about to sound so predictable and ridiculous to them.

“But, fuck man, he just makes me so angry. Like he says stuff to just piss me off on purpose because I say one little thing. Fuck he’s such a fucking dick! Like everybody, whether you like me or not, knows that this is a fucking hard situation for me. I was already so nervous going into it because the questions would be difficult. He just knows how to push my buttons.”

You closed your eyes, recalling the dialogue from last night in its entirety. For some reason you were anxious telling them. It had nothing to do with them judging you. They were simply just not like that. Maybe it was the fact that as you retold, you could feel his warmth, the touch that you mentioned you craved so much one it reappeared, running through your body. A dull ache formed under the top layer of your skin. Someone that you angrily hooked up with once, now twice, shouldn't have had this much of an impact on you. The context was vulnerable, you were sensitive, and he was just being there for you in sincerity, well that’s what you would like to think. Once your eyes opened, you were expecting a look of concern, but you were surprised, Hyunjin and Felix looking at each other with a brow raised before looking at you. They said nothing.

“What?”

“If I’m being honest,” Felix continued to whisper, “it kind of sounds like you were wanting to push his buttons.”

The rookie's eyes widened, clicking his fingers and nodding in agreement, “That’s what I was thinking!”

“Literally how did you derive that?”

“Y/n you know I’m honest. I feel like, and I can't believe I say a nice thing about that guy, but he was just being professional, asking the questions he needed, until you started rushing him, making comments out of the side of your mouth about him loving money.”

Felix paused, taking a deep breath, “I want to ask you, and don’t get angry with me.”

“Anything.”

“Did you go there, hoping that something would happen?”

You should have been offended by his question. What the fuck was he implying. But then you took yourself back to yesterday afternoon, and that feeling was back. That feeling that you couldn’t put your finger on, but you liked it. God did you fucking like it. The mystery of the unknown was enticing. But your best friend didn’t need to know that. 

“No,” you gulped, “I was just nervous to talk about the case, seeing as I blocked the core of it out of my mind.”

“We still don’t know what happened after he said, and I quote ‘I want to make sure you’re okay and you don’t get caught in the crossfire.’”

Felix giggled at Hyunjins dramatic recall. Your hand came to your face in the form of a facepalm, knowing what you were going to say next was so cliche. 

“Fuck my life, I said, ‘so rather than criticizing me, help me. Help me get through this how you would if you were me’ and one thing leads to another and.”

“And what, you guys kissed?”

Your lips escaped into your mouth, nodding, really not wanting to elaborate.

“Bit more than that?”

“Oh my god you guys fucked that’s crazy.”

The punch into Felix’s shoulder was warranted. You winced at the vulgarity of his words. However, it felt like a giant weight lifted off of your shoulders. 

“You didn’t have to say it like that, but yeah, we did and now its lowkey fucking with me head.”

The shrill of the desk phone almost knocked the three out of your seats. After your semi-heart attack has passed, you check the tiny phone screen, an unknown number popping up on the screen. You answered, sternly, “Hello, you're speaking with Officer Y/l/n.”

“Y/n hey, it’s Changbin.”

Your eyes bulged out of your head when you heard his name. You really should not be that excited at the sound of his voice. 

“Oh hey Changbin, what’s up?”

The two boys next to you were quick to swivel past, their ears resting against each of yours, waiting to get every single detail from a simple phone call they could.

“I was so flustered earlier, you know, getting caught I uhm.”

He paused.

“Can you cut to the chase please? We are very busy at the station here.”

Hyunjin nudged you, mouthing ‘that’s rude’ when you turned to look at him. He was right, it came off a little hush. Maybe you were just nervous, having an absent mind as to the reasons why he was actually calling.

“Oh uh sorry,” he coughed in between his words, “I realize I didn’t actually have your number. To contact you about our next appointment, nothing else of course.”

“Oh yeah,” you chuckled nervously, “sure for the case. It’s (y/p/n).”

“Great,” you could hear his smile through the phone, “I have some stuff at my apartment that I can’t bring to the office due to confidentiality. Would you be okay meeting at my apartment instead?”

“Uh, yeah okay sure.”

“Great, I’ll text you my address and the time.”

“Okay bye.”

Without warning, the phone was hung up back on the station. A pang of excitement streaked through your body, but vanished quickly, seeing your two best friends smacking each other silly. The moment you cut them with your eyes, they stopped, pretending to go back to work. They should not be this excited, and this time you were going to ensure that it was business only. You go, contribute to your testimony and leave. It did not matter that the setting would be informal, a couch, kitchen, a bed. The thought was irrelevant. It should have stopped there. But that would be too simple. One thought led to the flood of your brain, waves of cognitions of 30 minutes ago, his finger pads on your neck, lips on your jaw, which only naturally led to the lines of your ass tingling, reminiscing on the cool texture of the brown marble that was the edge of his desk. You could feel the perspiration excreting across your forehead at this moment. You brought your hand to your forehead, feeling an intense warmth at the touch. You were not getting just any fever from the cold weather. This fever only had the ability to be caused by one person. Him. The pompous lawyer, and it was fucking terrifying. It wasn’t even him as a person. Really you could care less about him personally.

The ding of your phone took you out of your thought monsoon, taking it out of your pocket immediately to see you had received a message from a number that had not been saved yet.

[12:42 pm]

*unknown* : Here is my address. I finish work at 7pm tonight. Does 7:30 work for you?

A sudden flow of panic swept through your body. Why did you feel so wrong, so guilty? It felt like a blight on your job, like it was going against everything you stood for. You also tended to have a flair for the dramatic. All you could do was stare at your phone. Unsure if you should even reply. If you didn’t, then you could save yourself from accidentally making this mistake. But then again, the longer you dragged this out, the longer you would have to work with him. Maybe it was just better to get it out of the way. Your thumbs began to hover over the screen, tapping the appropriate letters in order to reply. 

[12:53 pm]

Y/n: I finish patrol at 7 so 7:30 should be fine :)

[12:55 pm]

Changbin: No worries. C u then.

“He texted you, didn’t he?”

“He did,” you replied to Felix, “I’m going to his tonight after work.”

Hyunjin smirked, “To his huh?”

“Shut up,” you whined, “I’m just going to talk about the case, nothing else.”

“That’s what you said last time.”

Yeah, sure you were.

**

The day went surprisingly quickly. Patrol was quiet, just a couple of parking tickets. No chases thank goodness. The clock striked seven, and you were quick to clock out, giving you as much time as possible to get home, shower, fix your hair, chuck on some makeup, get a house warming gift and still be punctual.

You decided to go pretty low maintenance. Just a quick brush of your hair, subtle makeup, simple clothes being a pair of black flare leggings and a basic tee. It was already 7:15 by the time you were ready, and checking the maps, it was going to take another 10 minutes to get there. There was no choice for you but to leave now. Looking up at the mirror just before the front door, you had one last glance, noticing everything was in place before grabbing your car keys and speed walking to your car.

The drive was nerve wracking, eyes focused on the road while also trying to listen to the maps was fucking difficult. The time you estimated was correct, arriving 5 minutes early before getting out of the car. You locked the car with the button on your keys, placing them into your bag before taking in what was the pompous lawyers house. A basic white picket fence, however, his house was nothing short of grand. An iron carved black gate in front of the front door, well groomed hedges and flowers, tulips, roses, hydrangea, you name it. It was there. The statue of a large black fox, so sleek, tapered water out of its mouth running at the same time as the sprinklers covering the grass that made up the rest of the front lawn. Once you heard the doorbell similar to a grand opera, you knew this was a mistake. Changbin had to have been lying. The only reason he invited you to his house was once again just a flex. A brag to show how much money he made defending the scum of the earth. 

The front door opened, a much different person that was definitely not Changbin opening the door. You panicked for a brief moment, thinking that the pompous lawyer would do something as selfish as giving you the wrong address.

“Hello and welcome to the Seo manner. How can I help you?”

“Is this the right address? I’m here to see Changbin,” you shook your head, “Mr. Seo. I have an appointment.”

“Ah, you must be y/n. I am Seungmin, Changbin’s personal assistant.” 

Seungmin opened the iron clad door for you, allowing you to walk inside and once again, take in the inside of his house. The first thing you noticed was the staircase. It was in a circular motion, rounding all the way until it reached the second floor, appearing to be only one room there. The first floor had marble floors, similar to the desk of his office, very much open spaces. Interesting artwork however, seeming to be sketches of very much naked women around the house. Ugh. 

The pompous lawyer's personal assistant, who you did not know ever existed by the way, reached a hand out, inviting you to shake it. You accepted. Sheepishly, still taken aback by how annoyingly nice his house was. 

“Changbin is just in his home office. I’ll take you there now.”

You simply nodded, walking behind the new stranger.

“So how long have you been Changbin- Mr.Seo’s assistant for?”

“For a few years.”

“But we have never met before?”

“Yes well,” he chuckled, “I don’t really take part in his business life. More home and personal events.”

“Ah I understand,” you smiled. The walk was short. Two large wooden doors obstruct you from seeing his office.

“You know Mr. Seo talks about you alot?”

There it was again. He was now the second person to say that. It doesn’t matter, it’s not like it meant anything. You weren’t sure what to say, interrupted by the grand opening, seeing a much more relaxed Changbin. His hair was down, a much stronger wave to it. He was not wearing a suit either. The pompous lawyer was wearing a pair of black sweats, a white t-shirt that was of course way too small for his figure, and a navy jacket, accompanied by a collar. The thing that took you off guard the most was the glasses. This was also a new fact that you had learnt about this subject. That he needed glasses. They were cute the way they sat on his face, much too big for the shape of his features. You could feel the heat creep onto your cheeks as soon as his eyes landed on you. His smile was warm for the briefest second you could count, returning right back to stoic expression before getting out of his chair, walking up to greet you.

“Y/n,” he smirked, a quick glance up and down before his hand came out for a shake, “good evening.”

Your brow furrowed, constantly confused by Changbin’s demeanor. It was constantly changing, and you really did not know what to expect. The toxic part of you longed for it when it was simple, which was only a day ago. Nothing but arguing and bickering. Instead, it was this half witted, sarcastic charm, showing off his ‘professionalism’ in front of his assistant. If only he knew what happened at the office. You took his hand, giving him an unsure shake before pulling away, following the gesture of his other hand towards the small couch in the corner of his far from humble office. He took the edge on the opposite side of you, adjusting himself before he gazed at you again.

“How was the rest of your day?”

“Fine,” you nodded politely, “how was yours?”

“Uh great.”

There was some awkwardness, yet simultaneously, there was a tension that lingered. The two of you would be stupid to be ignorant of it. Too many things had happened in the past 48 hours to act like everything was fine. Maybe for him it was. Part of the pompous layers job was to act nonchalant, mysterious if you will. He could never show his emotions in court, especially when he was losing. He knew how to keep things cool, calm and collected.

But everything changed when it came to you. Even before yesterday, no matter what you did, it always got a rise out of him, and he could not help but lash out. There was no self control when it came to you. But similar to yourself, he would rather stay in denial than admit that care about what you think of him. Your opinion of him.

Your chest felt like it was going to burst. The guilt traveled over your body. He was trying to be nice, accommodating. He didn’t half come to find you after you begged him to tell you the hurtful stuff you T.O said. An apology was sitting at the tip of your tongue, but you were not sure how to say it.

“Did you want to get start-”

“I’m really sorry.”

“Oh,” he chucked, “what are you sorry for?”

You scooched closer, wanting to be genuine in your sincerity, “For today at the precinct. That was really unprofessional of me and I will make sure that my two fellow officers apologize the next time they see you.”

The pompous lawyer said nothing, instead, throwing his head back, just laughing at your apology. How fucking dare he? Give someone an inch, and they'll take a mile. It already annoyed you in general when someone laughed at your sincerity, but the fact that it was him; the level of anger was a whole new one. 

“Why are you laughing?”

“Oh,” you attempted to contain yourself, placing a hand on his chest, “why are you apologizing? I started it.”

“Oh.”

Your body suddenly relaxed, realizing that he was laughing with you, rather than at you. His laugh was somewhat infectious, causing you to follow suit.

“If anything I should be apologizing, I started it.”

“Oh well, are you going to?”

His laughing ceased quickly.

“No, I can't apologize for something I’m not sorry for.”

“Oh my god,” you huffed, immediately fanning your face to disrupt the heat that was coming to it. The smile on your face was impossible to wipe off. He noticed it too, but instead of embarrassing you, he got up, grabbing a folder of what you assumed to be classified documents off his desk and onto the table in front of you. 

“Okay so, we need to really get into the nooks and crannies of your daily routines with your T.O.”

The mention of your former supervisor killed the lighthearted mood of the room. Even though you knew that was the purpose of this meeting, it still was a sensitive topic. You nodded, gulping intensely in preparation for what he would ask you. 

“Right,” you sighed, gritting your teeth to stay on guard, “that’s what we are here for.”

“Yessss,” he hissed, extending his words, “well since this was an inside police operation, what would you do when he would communicate with witnesses that were part of the syndicate?”

“Uhh,” you puff your cheeks, eyes looking at the ground as you recall your memory, “I usually would wait outside because they would get me to coordinate and communicate with the backup officers.”

Changbin clenched his jaw as he concentrated on his notepad, legs spread wide as he focused the thin paper on one knee, forearm clenching back and forth to write down every intricate detail of what you said. 

“Okay, and so then what if it was a minor crime?”

“I’m not sure what you mean?”

“When the crime was not large enough, and there was no backup required. What did he do then?”

“Oh I see,” you gasped, understanding the question, “usually I would just stand behind. If it was a home visit, he usually got me to look around while he asked the questions.”

So you were not present during questioning ever?”

“Not really, unless it was like pulling a car over. I usually did that.”

“Right, okay.”

As he wrote down what you said, your brain, unforgivingly, started to tick. It felt odd that your T.O wanted you as a character witness, yet they kept saying bad things about you to Changbin. 

“Changbin, can I ask you a question?”

“Sure.”

The pompous lawyer is unable to look up, still concentrating on finishing what you said on the notepad.

“Why would they want me as a character witness? Why do they keep saying bad things about me to you?”

His pen froze immediately.

“Uh,” he scrunched his nose, scratching his head in a feigning innocence, “I’m not sure. You do bring up a good point. Did you want a coffee? I also have tea.”

That was strange, but you chose to brush it off, blaming it on your nerves about the case being the reason for your perception. Changbin got up immediately, not even waiting for you to answer. You grabbed the bottle out next to your bag, making sure he could see what you were holding. He chuckled, “we actually have to do some work first.”

“Damn,” you sighed, smacking your knee playfully, “if only we didn’t need to do any work.”

“Yeah,” he replied, biting down on his bottom lip, “if only there were other things we could do.”

The tension in the room had come back, the intensity stronger than before. You knew he could be a douchebag, but not in a way that would turn you on a little bit. The pompous lawyer had never been so forward, putting it out on the table. It made you giggle, feeling like an innocent woman who had been corrupted by the devil that was the main in front of you. 

Your giggle was cut short, however, hearing your ringtone permeating through the room. Unzipping your bag next to you, you grabbed your phone, confused as to when you saw an unknown number. You still answered, as you normally did.

“Officer y/n, who is calling?”

“Y/n.”

Your heart sank immediately,knowing exactly whose voice was on the other side.

“Why are you calling me?”

“Hey y/n, how are you though?”

“How am I?,” you paused, taking your phone off your ear and putting it on speaker, “what the fuck do you think?”

“Y/n,” they sighed, “I know I fucked up, I’m sorry I-”

“Why did you try to throw me under the bus to Changbin?”

As soon as you answered the call, the pompous lawyer turned his back to you. He did not want any part of this. That was until he heard your last question. His actions were immediate, jumping to your side as he anticipated his client’s response. He was desperate to hear what your T.O was saying, but it was impossible, seeing as your phone was glued to your ear.

“What? I never said anything bad about you to him. You were my most respected rookie.”

“How am I supposed to believe anything you say?”

“Look, y/n, I know I have fucked up bad, but I truly never said that. Changbin told me to call you.”

“What?”

The look on your face was contorted, truly confused about what to believe. The pompous lawyer's eyes widened, hands hovering over yours as he attempted to take your phone, thumb reaching for the red button, attempting to hang up. He should have known better than to try and take something off of a police officer. Your hands were nimble, however, it was your foot that came in clutch, sweeping at his ankle before he fell to the floor, pinning him down, hovering over his body, keeping your phone on the floor above his head. 

“He told me to call you, ask you to help me in the case, by my character witness.”

“Oh,” you gritted, practically death glaring at the man underneath you, “did he?”

He tried to become free of your hold, but there was simply no chance. The anger that was beginning to bubble at Changbin’s deception was pooling into your hands, finger pads slowly digging into the bulge that was his forearm muscles.

“Yeah I-”

“Look, I gotta go. If you need something from me, you can contact me through your lawyer. Bye.”

You were quick to hang up the phone, simultaneously deciding to surrender your domineering position on top of him. Your chest was bubbling with vexation, hurt. Why would he do all of this? To embarrass you. To get back at what happened last night? How do you even address that?

The pompous lawyer said nothing, standing up and straightening his shirt before taking a seat in his home office chair. He opened his laptop, completing forgetting that you were there, to see him, for an appointment, to talk about this fucking case that he completely manipulated you into being a part of. You walked over to his desk, standing over him as you stared him down, refusing to give your stance. You waved your hands, knowing damn well that he would be able to see it in his peripheral view. He did nothing, instead, opening his emails and pretending to scan the screen, refreshing multiple times and most likely praying that he could get out of admitting to his fault by replying to a new message. 

“You have got to be fucking kidding me right now?”

Nothing.

“Changbin? Are you serious right now?”

Nothing.

“What happened to helping like you said?”

He said nothing for a third time, but in your book, three strikes, you're out. Grabbing the papers that laid on his desk, you picked them up, thawing them on the floor. It took the physical motion of the papers dropping to the inferior surface is how you got something out of him. He turned to face you, still in his chair, jaw dropped to the floor.

“What do you think you’re doing?”

Your head falls back in a laugh, amazed at the audacity of his question.

“Did I get your fucking attention? Do these papers being messed up disadvantage you in any way? Will this mess up your pretty little house?”

You pouted, as fake in sincerity as they come. 

“Do you think that’s an appropriate way to behave?”

“God,” you sighed, “I knew this was a mistake coming here.”

Rather than arguing, it was easier for you to say nothing, grabbing your bag and heading for the door. Changbin watched you walk, but he didn't want you to leave. Of course he felt bad, but it was Chagbin. The pompous lawyer didn’t have the name for no reason. He scurried to the door, pushing it against your pull to shut it. Changbin stood in front, hands blocking the hinges to prevent your exit in any way. 

“Let me explain.”

Your gaze remained anywhere but on him, refusing to give the pompous lawyer that satisfaction.

“Start talking.”

“They were telling the truth.”

Your heart sank, again. You walked back to the couch, taking a seat in order to listen to the bullshit this man in front of you was about to say. 

“I did tell them to call you, but that was before I even mentioned the case to you. It wasn’t until yesterday when I spoke to your Sargeant that I should not have mentioned that. Which is why I was going to bring it up organically with you.”

“Right,” you replied in a blunt tone, “Did Sergeant tell you to lie and keep details from me as well?”

The pompous lawyer looked away, not wanting to fess up. The lack of answer made you shake your head, a laugh of frustration leaving your lips. Your hands were in the air. 

“You know what? This is my fault,” you yelled, voice growing louder with each word, “I shouldn’t have expected anything more from you.”

“What?” 

His eyes were squinted, completely taken aback by your bold statement. His eyes were blazing holes into your face, desperate to hear how on earth you would back up what you just said. 

“You heard me. God I feel like a fucking idiot myself. Expecting more from you, to actually treat me with care and respect. But of course you lied, and acted like the pompous lawyer I knew you were to be. You brought me here to show me once again, how rich you are and that you think you’re better than everyone else.”  

Changbin laughed, a smirk appearing on his face at your words, his own anger bubbling at the base of his throat. Like you said, his ego, pride was a large construct. The tumultuous amounts of time the two of you had squabble at the precinct, in front of others, being told off by the Sergeant, it was endless. But everytime you insulted him, directly attacked his character, it was like a stab wound right to the middle of the chest. 

“I’m a pompous lawyer? You’re the most fucking uptight officer I have ever seen. Do every single thing by the fucking book.”

He took a step closer as he continued his speech.

“Everything. I took the fucking stick out of your ass last night and what? For you to turn around and say I’m not helping you? I’m a pompous lawyer, yet I took the time to bring you to my office. I followed you to the interrogation room today. And you’re angry?”

“Yes,” you bit back, viciously, “I’m fucking angry, you lied!”

The pompous lawyer chuckled, again, taking another stride closer to you. You hated so many things at that moment. The smug expression on his face, the way his chest was puffing heavily when he finished yelling back. But what you really hated the most, truly, was how turned on you were. Impressed that someone in your life actually had the balls to give back the same energy you gave him. His aura was angry, but it was not being translated that way. If anything, maybe because your senses were being blinded by your arousal, but the scent that permeated from the pompous lawyer was one that you could feel yourself getting pulled in, and you hated it. Really, really hated it. Trying to maintain your composure was getting difficult.

“You’re not angry,” he chuckled, again, “look at you.”

“Are you joking,” you laughed nervously, “you have no idea how angry I am right now.”

“Show me,” Changbin huffed, closing the distance between the two of you to, at this night, at all time close proximity. You could feel the perspiration on your skin linger, causing the palm of your hands to clam up. What was his idea? What were you expecting? 

“What?”

The pompous lawyer’s tone decreased in sound the closer he got to you. His eyes however, did not move, pupils like superglue stuck to your own, every now and then hovering to your lips.

“I love when you're angry at me.”

“Why the fuck would you like that?” 

“Because,” he paused, gently slipping his arms out of his jacket, before he continued, “it makes me want to fuck the anger out of you.”

A gasp escaped from your lips, completely taken aback by the vulgarity of his language, again. Out of all the things he could have possibly said, that was the last thing you expected. But deep down, you knew there was much truth to his words, and therefore, maybe that was the reason why the two of you fought so much. You would be lying if you said that you hadn't thought about it. Maybe it was because of your love life, after being in a relationship for a long time, followed by a long period of being by yourself. You were content, happy with spending time with yourself, family friends. But there were moments where you needed some passion. Sure, police patrol at times was crazy work, but it didn’t feel personal. Sometimes it crept into your mind how nice it would be to have a man rip your clothes off, treat you harshly and not apologize for it.

Your pursed lips turned into a smirk as you took a step closer, wrapping your arms around his neck. You were stubborn, so was he. Making the first move, with your lips, was not a viable option. Changbin still looked mad, his face never changing as his own arms wrapped around your lower back. 

“Yeah?” you questioned, biting down your bottom lip, “I’m really fucking angry.”

This was not right. You forgot that the pompous lawyer had just lied to your face. But the feeling of his fingertips digging into your backside, palms crawling underneath the fabric that obstructed him from getting a feel of your skin, the real you, fingernails accidentally dragging across the faceless hairs on your back, the texture changing as a shiver shot down your spine, straight through the center of your back. A large gasp gritted through your teeth, the sound resembling one of giving up and into his touch. 

Changbin got closer, lips barely an inch away, his bottom lip accidentally touching your chin as he brought them to yours, dragging it out as long as possible before the gentlest kiss known to man. A small peck was all it took before hebecause after that, things reached a boiling point within a matter of seconds. 

Hands were flying around each other's bodies, tongues racing for dominance as the pompous’ lawyers strength walked you backwards, legs giving way as the back of your knees hit the edge of the sofa, falling backwards, lying across said sofa. Changbin chuckled as the two of you got pulled away from gravity, but he was quick to follow. The pompous lawyer’s reached out his hand to life you off of the couch, swapping positions so that he was now sitting on the sofa, spreading his legs wide as he used his left hand to point at you, middle and index finger suggesting you to sit a top of him, right hand undoing the buckle on his belt. Your jaw dropped at how simple he could multitask, and boy was it enough for you to accept the invitation. Each leg sitting on the opposite side of his, core begging to ache as the dense fabric of your bottoms gently brushed against his groin. The feeling that you have been chasing, the one you felt last night was coming back. 

“Mmm,” he mumbled, wrapping his digits around the back of your neck as he pulled you in again, hips setting a gentle pace as your lips and hips moved back and forth. It took everything in you to not let out the most gut wrenching moan. The two of you were doing the bare minimum, and admitting to Changbin, the pompous lawyer, that you were getting great satisfaction out of such a simple action was just something you refused to do. Instead he did it for you, the bellow of his groan sending a vibration into your lips, past your throat, and into the pit of your stomach. Your hands began to snake around, left hand snaking up and underneath his t-shirt, the other attempting to wip the belt out of its holding. The man below you pulled away for a brief moment, shadowing the dorsal side of your hands as he whipped his own belt out of each hole, pulling and pushing it away as the two of you reconnected. The pompous lawyer kicked the pool that was his pants off his ankles, your right hand continuing its mission,right to his throbbing length. The pompous lawyer accidentally bit down on your bottom lip, pulling away again to let out a deep moan as he felt the callousness of your feelers wrapping around him. A sigh of relief, followed by a lustful smile played on your lips as you kept your hand in the same spot, watching the pompous lawyer drag his hips in desperation. God, Changbin was already on cloud 9. You having his hand on his cock was all he truly could think about since last night. Even the brief moment, the fact that last night, he spent most of his time trying to pleasure you, the few moments you spent pleasuring him were all he could think about. He knew it was selfish, because watching you contort and give into him, even after all of the meanings she he has said about you in the past should have been good enough to imprint in his brain; and by all means, they were. But as soon as your hands were on him again, quite literally, his memories were only replaying that. Although you sitting on his lap was blocking his full ability for you to feel all of him, he did not care. Any touch that was yours was good enough for him.

You scooted back, allowing Changbin to lift his hips and swipe his pants off in one swift motion, dropping the fabric to his ankles. His expose now gave you free rain, pulling away as you tried to catch your breath as both of your hands wrapped around the base of his pulsating cock, the pompous lawyer's hips bucking involuntarily, lips shaking as his throat let out a deep groan at the contact. “Jesus,” he hissed.

“What,” you pouted, attempting to mock him in his vulnerable state, “can’t handle it?”

“You’re so annoying when your smug,” he groaned, fingers trickling across the hem of your shirt, arms leaving him for a brief moment as he lifted your obstructing garment over your chest, eyes almost watering as soon as it was off, two fingers hanging around your back and there it was, bra clipped off instantly. Your automatic reaction was to cover up, how ironic. It wasn’t something that he had not seen before, but this felt a little different. The longer he kept his eyes on your chest, the moreheated your cheeks became. His eyes softened, almost like he was watching you in awe. It made you freeze, part of you feeling rude if you moved. His hand came to your wrists, gently pulling on the flesh to prevent you from hiding, and as soon as he did, the man became a fiend. 

Chanbgin’s lips attacked the soft flesh immediately, fingertips quick to assist as they gripped the mound, tongue flicking across your left nipple. Your head was throwing back, your own hands running through the pompous lawyer’s usually slicked back hair. His teeth came into the mix, the roughness of his mouth truly felt like heaven. It was in some kind of way a metaphor of your relationship. Rough around the edges. The roughness being the constant bickering, the continuous back and forth, but nonetheless, it still felt good. So good. The pompous lawyer was unforgiving with his mouth, tongue leaving your nippes, still stuck out however, leaving a trail down your stomach. The cool sensation of his saliva felt like ice to your heated skin, back arching the closer he got to where you needed him the most. Your eyes opened as soon as his digits reached the waistband of your pants. Luckily the bottoms you chose to wear did not have any buttons or a zipper, because Changbin was able to swing them off of your hips, desperalty kicking your legs to take them off, along with your panties simultaneously. Desperate time calls for desperate measures. If anything, it added to the fun of it all. Made it feel like it was something you weren’t supposed to be doing. The whole point of this was to come here and work on the case. The testimony was only a week away and to be prepared was the most important thing. 

But as soon as you were in close proximity to Changbin, which usually boiled your bones, your brain conspired, a lust filling fluid encompassing the matter. It was going to become a real problem, because your cognitions began to change and associate with the lewd acts you did every time you saw him. 

But that seemed like a minute detail in the current moment as the pompous lawyer gripped himself, a few pumps as a small uncontrollable moan left his lips over and over. You lifted your hips off his lap, wanting to help him as he lined his cock up with your pulsating entrance. My god, were you throbbing. This had been the longest time that anyone had not touched you prior to penetration. Usually you needed it, the men you had been with before never did enough to prepare you in that way. But your pussy was quivering with anticipation, dripping with arousal for him. Changbin used his free hand, index finger briefly swiping through your folds, your hips jolting immediately at the unexpected friction. The movement was quick, bringing his digits to his lips and smearing your arousal across the pink flesh, tips entering the hole that was his mouth. Your eyebrows furrowed as your lips fell open, ocre throbbing even harder at how attractive the pompous lawyer looked, underneath you, tasting your slick. Fuck, if you knew this is what would happen everytime the tow of you disagreed, this would have occurred alot sooner. Every second that he wasn't inside of you, it was a second of more torture. 

“Hurry up,” you mumbled, giggling as your hips were fatigued, resting and letting your core land across his cock. Your clit barely brushed his tip, another nervous chuckle escaping your lips at the bare second of pleasure that flooded your veins at every little friction, every little touch. His smirk disappeared, tongue hanging outside of his mouth, eyebrows chiseled in a form that helped him to concentrate. But boy were you making it hard for him. You were such a distraction. There was a tumultuous amount of ways he wanted to pleasure you that were ticking on his brain, much more intensely before. Now, his brain was fried, your body combined with your horny daze was enough to drive him crazy. 

Changbin’s tip was prodding at your entrance, and enough was enough. You lifted your hips again, this time ready as his cock plunged into your entrance, a universal moan of relief from the two of you as he allowed his length to chrome buried in the depth of your pussy. Changbin brought you close, wrapping his around your back immediately, face hidden in your tits. You thought, once you were well adjusted to his girth, that you should move. And so you did, ankles lying on either side of his thighs as your knees chipped away at the sofa, hips slowly beginning to rise, and fall. Rise and fall. Over and over again. 

“Jesus fucking christ,” you spat, hips riding back and forth, the pompous lawyer’s cock hitting all the right spots inside. Changbin’s tongue found its way back to your nipples, the extra sensation leaving you unable to stay quiet. Every thrust was a new level of pleasure. Your digits came to the man below you’s face, leaning down to engulf him in a deep kiss, wanting Changbin to feel the moans in his throat. The pompous lawyer reciprocated, the combinations of noises spilling out of your mouth in unison creating a heavenly vibration across your lips. He chuckled as he broke away, head falling back against the back of the sofa as his hands were simply too desperate to not roam, finger tips gravitating towards the mound that was your ass. He smacked each cheek a few times, following by grabbing in an attempt to smooth over.

“Can’t believe that fat ass is bouncing on my cock again,” he grunted, smiling as he bit down on his bottom lip, “so desperate for me.”

“Don’t get ahead of yourself,” you whimpered, increasing the pace of your rhythm, “always cocky you are.”

“Yeah, and you fucking love it,” he chuckled, “this pussy belongs to me you know?”

Changin’s words made you moan, his possessiveness something that you didn’t know why, but really turned you on. His words always had an effect on you, no matter what. Positive or negative, the pompous lawyer’s words always had an impact that would be deemed much more significant than the average person should be by their mortal enemy. Then again, most people wouldn’t have sex with their mortal enemy, more than once. Changbin’s hands, the selfish things, began to roam again, slightly huffed at your lack of acknowledgement to his question. They somehow landed right where you wanted them, where they were earlier in the day, at the precinct. 

“Ohhh,” you moaned, wrapping your hands at the bat of his right wrist as they were at your neck, Changbin’s digits fondly wrapping around the fragile skin, the most subtle of pressure being applied. Your face was in a dazed awe, unable to concentrate on your hips moving in a syncopated style. Instead, he removed his hands off of you for a brief moment, standing on his knees on the sofa as he waited for you to do the same in front of him. Bending over, Changbin was quick to make work, using both of his hands to spread your ass, leaning forward and pressing a gentle kiss to your pussy, followed by a stingy few kitten licks, the friction making your knees buckle. You brought your hand to your throat, trying to recreate the exact feeling that you needed from him. But it wasn’t the same. It was after he pushed his oscillating cock back into your hole, did he notice your hand there. The pompous lawyer chuckled, in awe at how desperate you were for his touch. The two of you stood, bodies pressed against each other so Changbin could reach your throat. He did it with ease, mouth resting against your right shoulder as he bit down gently, the rough friction gratifying by every means. 

“So so good,” you mumbled, unable to form a coherent sentence, “don’t stop.”

“Such a fucking dirty girl,” he grunted, pulsating in his pressure against your throat, “imagine if anyone at the precinct saw you like this.”

You could only moan in response. His pace was cold, harsh, unforgiving. It made your whole body jolt in unison. He was right. The side you gave him privy to here in your personal time was something that not one of your work colleagues expected. Yes, you told Hyunjin and Felix information from time to time, but you were known as a stickler for the rules. A good cop that would never dare to do anything against the law. If police officers competed for employee of the month, you would be the employees that would have their face printed consecutively. Sometimes, it was hard for you to even believe that you were capable of showing, no. Letting someone see you in such a vulnerable, lust hazed state of consciousness. 

“You belong to me, don't you?”

“Mhm,” was all you could manage to say.

“Say it, say your pussy belongs to me.”

“My pussy,” you paused, feeling yourself coming to an all time high, “b-belongs to you.”

“Fuck,” he grunted, using his free hand to smack your ass once more, “you’re so hot when you’re obedient.”

He continued to fuck you, the pompous lawyer becoming more desperate with each thrust. The noise of Changbin’s skin slapping so loud it was sure to be echoing through the house, something Seungmin would definitely hear. His hips were beginning to lose their synchronicity, thrusts becoming slower yet harder. You weren’t sure how much more you could take. The pit in your lower abdomen was getting together and tighter, the sensation that was Changbin reaching an all time high at any moment. 

“Mmmmm Changbin,” you whined, unable to control the pitch of your voice, “Changbin fuck.”

“You ok baby?”

“I’m. I’m so close.”

“It's okay princess,” he cooed, the new nickname taking you by surprise, “me too. You need to cum?”

“Yes please.”

“Yeah you wanna cum for me?”

“Yes Changbin,” you cried, “it’s too much.”

“That okay baby,” Changbin whispered, “cum for me baby.”

His words smacked you into an orgasm, the sensation of the high rolling over every single nerve in your body at an intensity never felt by you before. You could feel the way your walls clenched around him uncontrollably, Changbin chuckling at how it felt around his cock. 

“Such a good girl,” he hummed, deeply, decreasing the power of his thrusts, “that pussy feels so good tweaking against me like that.”

The pompous lawyer did not last much longer after, quickly pulling out as he came on your back, hips jerking as he jerked himself to full completion. Your eyelids were dazed over, unable to calculate the time it took for Changbin to leave the room, grab a warm cloth, and clean your backside. He helped you off of your knees, grabbing a blanket that was under his desk before laying underneath you. He thought it would be a decent thing to do, cover you up as if he didn’t just see you completely naked. The two of you sat there for a while, a comfortable silence falling over the room as you stared at the ceiling wall.

“This is crazy, you know?”

You turned to look at the pompous lawyer, met with his perfect side profile. It made you smile for some reason.

“Yeah. I don’t know what happens but-”

“Do you regret it?”

The question made you rise from his side, leaning over to face him. 

“No. No part of me regrets it so far, as much as I should?”

“As much as you should?”

“Yeah,” you laughed, “you know, because we ‘hate’ each other?’”

“Oh,” Changbin smirked, “yeah, right. Listen, I don’t want to put a label on this right now. Our first focus should be the case.”

“I agree,” you smiled, pressing a quick peck to his lips.

“Awesome. I’m really sorry about lying to you as well. I felt like if I didn’t say those things, you wouldn’t have jumped on board with the case.”

“Look I get it, but please just don’t lie to me again. I always prefer honesty, and value it, now more than ever”

“Got it. I have one more thing I wanted to bring up.”

“God you talk a lot,” you whined in a joking manner, “what is it now.”

“At the precinct, we should keep things the way you are.”

“What do you mean? Like continue to argue in front of everyone like we normally do?”

“Yeah,” he paused, unsure if you were on the same page, “just so people don’t become suspicious. I personally am a very private person when it comes to my personal life. I’m sorry if that offends-”

“I am on the same page. Felix and Hyunjin already interrogated me about today. I don’t need that from everybody else.”

“Great. Should we work on the case now?”

“Totally.”

You smiled, getting up from the sofa as you found your clothes in a messy pile on the floor, simultaneously watching the pompous lawyer’s muscles bulge and flex as he also put his clothes back on. It shouldn’t have hurt your feelings, but there was a gentle pang at the bottom of your heart that he wanted to keep things casual. It didn’t matter anyway though, because once the case was over, the two of you would go back to normal. 

Barely seeing each other and bickering when you did, right?

[forgot-how-catflap-works]

Hot take: Sisyphys got a sweet deal

We must imagine Sisyphus happy, according to existentialist philosopher Albert Camus. It’s one of his hottest and most widely known takes. The idea that when confronted with the meaninglessness of his existence, condemned for all eternity to push a boulder up a mountain only for it to roll back down, dear old Sisyphus may find contentment. What other choice does he have after all? 

(Showing my age here with the rage face meme and will not apologise #MillenialPride)

The assertion is that we mortals are faced with a similar conundrum. Life is unpredictable, chaotic, and frequently terrifying. With nothing but the infinite void to look forward to, how are we to spend our days? Either we embrace religion and pray for eternal salvation, skip the queue to the void by killing ourselves because it doesn’t make any difference in the end, or laugh at the absurdity of it all and find joy in the simple act of being here. It is up to us to create our own meaning. 

On my good days this notion provides me a lot of comfort, and links in nicely with the zen buddhist idea that this moment is the only thing we truly have. So the take home is to embrace it, and live fully for the moment. It’s all very Dead Poets Society or, if you’re like me and have never seen that film, the B plot in Season 1, Episode 3 of Community.  In the immortal words of Professor Whitman, “Seize the day Jeff, for real. Go running naked in a hailstorm, kiss a girl in the middle of the day, fly a kite but do it for yourself! Or you wot just fail my class, you’ll fail life.” 

On my bad days however, I’m just salty about it. Suddenly the pressure to create my own meaning in the limited time I have becomes crippling to the point of paralysis. Every moment not spent living my best life is a moment wasted. I move steadily towards the grave, the years ahead steadily becoming fewer than those behind. What have I achieved with these dwindling hours, these precious days in which I am burdened to create my own meaning? I’ll tell you what I’ve done; play RuneScape and be depressed.

The problem with transferring this thinking from Sisyphus to a human living under late stage capitalism in the 21st century, is that Sisyphys didn’t have to go to a fucking job everyday. All he had to do was push a boulder! All day! Piece of piss mate. 

What I wouldn’t give to just push a boulder all day. No laundry, no dishes, no reletenlessly targeted advertising and no more fucking work emails or meetings. I bet Sisyphys never once had a melon-related panic attack in the fruit aisle of Aldi. On top of that, pushing a massive boulder to the top of a mountain is an incredible workout. Right now I have to drive nearly 30 minutes to go and sweat in a leisure centre while strangers grunt in my periphery. Give me the boulder any day. I want that head empty, no thoughts, brain scampled egg life baby. Release me from the curse of my own self-awareness. 

Okay, I get it that Albert Camu grew up in poverty, survived tuberculosis, and lived through the Second World War. I readily admit that my “melon crisis” doesn’t stack up in comparison.  All I’m saying is, it’s pretty easy to imagine someone happy when they are free from the mountains of bullshit that besiege us every single day. I am completely overwhelmed by the mere act of existing under capitalism. The sheer number of decisions I have to make every single day just to get from one end to the next breaks my autistic brain. I can’t handle it, didn’t ask for it, and I certainly don’t want it. But surely we could do literally anything else? 

I know it’s sort of laughable to say, “Let’s all go back to a simple, agrarian existence where we live off the land and chill by a waterfall smoking phat blunts.” Like, obviously that sounds a thousand times better than what we’re doing now, but short of a catastrophic societal collapse and then thousands of years of recovery, that’s not going to happen. Did you know it (sort of) takes six months and over $1,500 dollars to make a single chicken sandwich from scratch? Sustaining a single human life requires an incredible amount of work. 

There are so many of us, and we’re so connected and interdependent on each other as a species. No organism on the planet comes close to what we have built for ourselves and it is an amazing feat by every conceivable metric. But what is it all for? Have we ever once as a civilisation stopped and asked ourselves why we’re doing any of this? 

For whatever reason, we are apparently limited in our conception of all that remains possible. A civilisation disjointed and misaligned, adrift on this rock hurtling through space at mind boggling speeds, confronted with the meaninglessness of it all and refusing to collectively acknowledge it for even a moment. 

It’s like we’re still locked in that primordial stage of evolution, where we must accrue resources to survive the harsh winter and outlive our rivals. When we predominantly existed as smaller bands or tribes, that made a lot of sense. But now we are a single connected superorganism, our sense of competition is squarely in opposition to our sense of collaboration. 

We broadly recognise the need to collaborate in tackling existential threats like climate change, yet our primal competitiveness sees us knee jerking our way back towards fascism. It’s like we’ve gone to the doctor about a backache and they prescribed a dozen hungry tigers to be administered immediately. We’re still acting as though there is not enough to go around, when there is in fact plenty; it has just been misallocated. I am left always wondering why? What do we have to gain from eating ourselves alive?

I cannot help but think it comes from a petulant refusal to collectively acknowledge the void. We struggle desperately for meaning, to leave a legacy, but forget that it is impossible. Even those who live on in infamy after their death will one day perish from the collective consciousness. Our sun will die, all heat will fade from the universe until it is nothing but a barren, lifeless waste. No tower you build or lineage you foster will outlast that. Yet we sit watching helplessly as oligarchs and plutocrats rail against their own mortality to catastrophic and destructive consequences for the rest of us. I suppose in the long run, that doesn’t really matter though does it? 

We have made a home for ourselves in the belly of a vast, insatiable beast. A beast so hungry for our blood and labour that it stifles anything that cannot be effectively comodified. How are we to find happiness and peace under such conditions? It is simply not a priority. 

To quote folk punk band AJJ: 

This is no exaggeration, we're living in a death machine

And no, it's not just your imagination

You've been living in a death machine

Some of us are passengers, and some of us are driving

Almost everybody's getting bled to death to keep the motor running

Sisyhus at least is free from its roiling guts, and in that freedom it is not difficult to imagine him happy. For the rest of us, it takes a little more effort and a lot more work. 

[iced-cofi]

I kinda just wanna write game reviews here sometimes. *Ahem*

It's pretty damn rare that you find a piece of media like this throughout the course of your life.

One that elegantly, carefully, and lovingly traverses infinite despair in an infinitely more hopeful way. One that shows you that no true problem can be solved in a single day. One that teaches of the compassion in our hearts, for those around us and the world we all live in.

And, for me, one that teaches that in the face of despair, fear, and sadness, beauty can also be found, and that no matter how pointless it can seem, fighting, trying, and persistence is how we can push through the end of the world. And now matter how all encompassing it may seem, the end is never truly the end. It's just a new beginning.

I am, of course, referring to...

Before I continue, I must clarify, as I did in my ACT review, this will feature spoilers, and moreso than almost any other game I've played, you simply must play this blind if you can.

Ok, a brief, completely spoiler free review. *Ahem again*

Outer Wilds is a beautiful, relaxing yet occasionally stressful first person space exploration game, in which the only currency you collect through the game is knowledge. The solar system is your own journey through the puzzle box the devs made. The music is beautiful and touching, the visuals are distinct yet simple, and the story is like nothing else. The only genuine 10/10 I can give. It's brilliant.

Ok, I will now put a funny picture, this is your opportunity to leave spoiler free.

3

2

1

Ok now time for the real gamers to chat.

This game. This fucking game. It reaches deep to the innermost part of my mind and soul and shows me a more accurate depiction of the human experience than any other game, and it don't even got humans.

It is the absolute definition of existential optimism, and I think it's refreshing, and borderline spiritual.

And this fact is helped because the way you get to the end is entirely up to you. Every single person who plays this game will play it differently. Everyone follows what they find amazing and interesting, and everyone finds what they think is, and they fly and crash and die and laugh and love every moment they spend in this dark, enrapturing galaxy.

The combination of nostalgic foresty landscapes, crumbling planets, shoddy craftsmanship, and banjo laden melancholy music make for a uniquely sentimental game, which allows you to connect with what theyve done.

I mean fuck some of the coolest ideas for planets and worlds I've ever seen.

Brittle Hollow and it's crumbling deadly surface, and infinitely heavy black hole at the center

Dark Bramble, always enshrouded in fog and mystery, endlessly repeating dangerous, vine coated voids filled with the most terrifying creatures in the known universe

The Hourglass Twins, the most clearly time based astral body of all, as two planets pirouette through the sky, trading impossible amounts of sand due to a shift in gravity

And of course, the Quantum Moon, a blend of all other planets with an ethereal, eternally shifting vibe layered thickly on top.

It's brilliant, and scary, and add layers and layers to your story.

And the characters and all so clearly defined, with interests and dreams and hopes. Reibeck hates space but is obsessed with the Nomai technology and history, so he can't help but explore. Feldspar and his sporadic attitude and wealth of courage allowing him to explore anywhere, as long as it's got beasties. And of course, the one, the only, the best o Outer Wilds character, Gabbro!

This chill as mother fucker got trapped in the same time loope as you, and is simply to chill and content to give a single fucking shit, while still helping where he can with advice and knowledge. It's awesome, and he also teaches you how to speed up your death with meditation, so that's... Cool.

And of fucking course I gotta talk about the music.

It's hypnotic. It permeates your body and makes you happy and sad and lonely and any other thing you can imagine, while still fitting the game, and any individual story moment. It's brilliant.

Like, listen to this shit.

And what about this???

And how about this, which is from the dlc, which i will write about in another review when I'm not exhausted!!

I gotta say, this isn't a review in the way I'd like it to be, cause I'm tired, but fuck me play this game it's amazing and the music and visuals and every piece is just... Oh my God.

I hope you enjoyed reading this delirious mish mash of words I wanted to say about a game I really love.

No joke, 10/10

Would crash into the sun again.

Thanks!!

[queerprayers]

beloved, I want to take the time to thank you for your honesty and vulnerability, all the time on your blog really, but especially now. I am going through, what I am sure is going to be the most rock bottom situation I will ever have to go through, I have met despair and found hell, and am looking up towards the living and am tired just from looking at the climb. and your posts have given me strength. what Do you do when you just want to pray for death, and yet holy week tells us that death has been defeated? it helps me tremendously to know that we are not alone in feeling this way. sending you so much love <3

My heart is with you, beloved. Thank you so much for this message. You are not alone and never have been. I am so honored and grateful that you've found meaning in my words.

"Looking up towards the living" is such a beautiful way to describe this weekend, and you're right, it's exhausting. Today we remember that Jesus made that climb for us. He entered into our pain and did not escape it. He met despair and found hell, and sweat blood in a midnight garden just thinking about it.

I think of the difference between death as an ending of life on Earth vs. capital-D Death as a destruction of love. I think of St. Francis calling death Sister. I think of the promised future resurrection--whatever I believe that means at the moment I think of it. I think of the icons of Jesus pulling Adam and Eve bodily from the grave. I think of my grandfather's death, when his body fundamentally altered its state of being.

I genuinely believe in an Easter, in Jesus clawing his way out of hell, breaking the bonds of where suffering leads. I believe that changed the way our universe works, for God to die. I don't know what you believe, but the living that you look toward does exist, and the climb is not one you have to make without a God who has done it, does it again every year, and every moment that you have to.

I'm aware that knowing that doesn't change the pain and exhaustion--at least not for me. He defeated Death, but he did not take away our relationship with it, and this has always intrigued me. Death is still something we can know, and fall into, and be terrified of. Hell is still something we can find. I won't pretend to understand that truth, and I won't pretend that hope in a future resurrection fixes our rock bottoms. 

But your rock bottom is the solid foundation you will build a life out of. The act of looking up is exhausting right now, but you're doing it. That's often the hardest part, to see what you want to hope for. Don't force the hope right now, just know it is there. If this is the darkest it will ever get for you, you're in good company on this day of crucifixion.

I often refer to parts of my life as my Holy Saturday seasons—times where I've been stuck in that space between death and life, where I know deep down there's hope but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I think of the disciples spending Passover without their beloved. I think of my namesake Joanna putting together spices with which to adorn the body of one she saw die. Of course they knew the prophecies, or perhaps just desperately hoped—but you hurt first. I don't think the prophecy can come true unless you really genuinely feel the brokenness before it does. 

Praying for death is something I know too well—but know that what you're praying for is rest, the end of what is defeating you. God brings us to death when it is our time (and I won't pretend to understand that) but Death, what defeats us, faces its destruction. You face despair, but Love has won. This is Holy Week. What you do when you want to pray for death is call her Sister, and seek out rest on earth while you're here. Know that the destruction in her was stamped out, and love is the only thing left. Pain remains, rock bottom remains, but separation from God does not.

What you do when you want to pray for death but know Death has been defeated is you trust God knows what you mean. And you look at Life for as long as you can stand it, and do it a little more the next day. It burns like the sun—don't mistake that for hellfire. (Or perhaps formulate a theology in which it is, in the purifying sense. I don't make the rules.)

It's Good Friday. You can exist there. Jesus did not force optimism on the cross. He did not say "Well, it'll all be okay soon." He said, "My God, why have you forsaken me?" And he probably wished for death all morning. You don't have to force optimism when Easter comes, either. Jesus wasn't partying—he was seeking out love. He was dealing with the complicated emotions of his friends. Just look at the joy, for now, try to see it. Holy Saturday is a season sometimes. It bleeds into our celebrations. But it does not take away God's presence. Your despair does not prevent Jesus from rising—it just means embodying resurrection may perhaps be still ahead of you.

May God bless you and keep you, in rock bottom and as you climb. May he make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you, and may you feel his gaze even when you're not looking up. May he look upon you with favor and give you peace as you seek rest. 

<3 Johanna

[withwritersblock]

To Love Someone

~To Love Someone by Benson Boone~

Author's Note: just pure fluff Summary: Alex and Y/N spend their first afternoon together in their new apartment in Montreal Warnings: meh like a sentence that implies smut Word Count: 1308 Alex Newhook x fm!reader

It was a long conversation that led to longer and even more conversations. Alex was traded to Montreal Canadiens over the summer from the Colorado Avalanche. It wasn’t a shock, Alex was given a heads up that he was most likely going to be traded. He had no idea where until he received the call. Y/N sat beside him as he spoke on the phone and found out he was heading back to Canada. In his mind it was probably the most perfect option.

It was a shorter plane ride to have his family come watch his games or to visit home during breaks. The team was young, he could fit in really well. He hated that he had to leave the team he won a Stanley Cup with. His best friend, who he won the cup with their rookie year. It was hard. One of the hardest things he’s ever done.

The next hardest thing was seeing if his long-term girlfriend wanted to move with him or go long distance.

They had been together for two years, it was the awkward time frame where either could’ve been the best option. Or ending the relationship to avoid future issues.

Y/N wanted to go with him. Of course she did. Except it terrified her. It meant that she was one hundred percent in the relationship. She was starting a life with him instead of just living their lives together.

Alex needed her to go with him. He needed one constant from his life. He wasn’t going to beg for her to come with him. He needed her to want to come with him. The conversations they had eventually led them to this moment. 

Y/N was holding the keys to their new apartment. Their apartment together in the heart of Montreal. He carried a bag of take out food with a wide smile on his face. She slowly opened it and pushed the door wide. The apartment was filled with boxes the movers dropped off the day before. 

“It looked smaller in the pictures,” she let out as she stepped inside admiring the modern interior. She never truly liked the modern aesthetic as she preferred the farmhouse style. In this moment it was everything she ever wanted with the only person she’s ever truly wanted. 

There were huge windows overlooking the city of Montreal. It was later in the afternoon and the sun was starting to set, creating a hue of orange mixed in with the blue of the sky. There were clouds in the sky that looked like cotton candy. “Wow,” she mumbled as she placed the keys on the kitchen counter before she walked through the maze of their boxes towards the large windows. 

Alex delicately placed the takeout on the counter beside the keys as he followed Y/N towards the windows. She stood still staring out of the window as Alex walked towards her and wrapped his arms around her waist. He looked towards the sky that was becoming more orange within the minutes of them standing inside their new home.

“You have no idea how happy I am you’re here,” he mumbled as he delicately pressed his lips against her shoulder. She smiled as she tilted her head back to meet his gaze.

“Are you nervous?” she asked him while she turned around, wrapping her arms around his neck. He tilted his head to the side, while shaking his head nonchalantly.

“Not my first time changing teams. Done the whole move across the country thing a few times now,” he explained while looking into her eyes. Her eyes squinted as she began running her fingers through the ends of his hair.

“You didn’t win the Stanley Cup with them,” she countered teasingly. He took a sharp breath while nodding.

“I’m going to miss the guys and Colorado. I loved every moment I had there but the Habs-” he paused while shaking his head. A small smile formed to his lips as his eyes began to light up. 

“The Habs want me, Y/N. I mean you see the social media stuff I have to do tomorrow. They’re excited to have me,” he explained. 

“And they should be. You’re an amazing person and a great player,” she said with a wide smile.

“And what else?” he asked, raising his eyebrows as he guided her hips backwards.

“You’re handsome,” she began and he hummed in response, “Funny, smart, and kind, and I’m done boosting your already high ego,” he slowly began biting his lip as he let out a chuckle. She rolled her eyes as she leaned towards him and kissed him softly. 

She pulled away as she met his dark brown eyes. “Come on, our poutine is getting cold,”  he said with a wide smile before he began to maneuver through the boxes towards the kitchen. Y/N let out a huff of air before dramatically rolling her eyes.

“I cannot believe you convinced me to get that,” she let out while scrunching her features together.

“Oh come on, Baby. You live in Quebec now, you have no choice but to love it,” he said while unpacking the takeout containers. She rolled her eyes as she leaned against the white granit countertop.

“I’ll try it but I won’t enjoy it,” she said as she opened up her own box staring at the fries completely covered in gravy and cheese curds.

Alex handed Y/N her own plastic fork before he instantly smashed his fork into the fries and brought it to his mouth. He took a large bite as a dramatic moan left his lips. Y/N laughed as she hesistantly took some of it on her own fork.

“Baby, just try it,” he said with a mouthful.

She ate it and surprisingly it was a lot better than she thought. She still would prefer cheese fries instead of having gravy. “Not horrible,” she mumbled as she reached for another bite. 

“See I told you,” he mumbled. She smiled towards him before she took another bite. “I love you, you know that?” he let out.

“I love you more,” she mumbled. She swallowed her bite as she shook her head, “But Canada needs to get better food.”

His eyes widened dramatically as he fought off a smile forming to his lips. “Oh and American food is so great?” he teased.

“I never said that. America is really good at stealing other countries' food,” she explained. He shook his head as he chuckled.

~~~

It was a couple hours later and they were laying on the blow up mattress, her head laying on his chest. She ran her fingers up and down his chest as his hand loosely played with the hem of her tank top.

“This thing will go flat in like two hours,” she muttered as she lifted her gaze towards his features. His lips curled upward as he shifted his gaze downward to meet her eye. He pressed his lips against her forehead.

“Of course, the one thing they didn’t drop off was the mattress,” he muttered as she sat up slightly. She looked down towards him. Her hand landed on his cheek as she slowly ran her thumb across his cheek. Tracing the stubble on his skin. He took a hold of her hand and pressed his lips to her knuckles. “I love you,” 

“I love you too,” she mumbled as she leaned down and kissed him delicately. “I’m happy I came with you. I don’t think I could handle you being so far away,” she explained as she continued running her thumb along his skin.

His hand climbed up her back, beneath her tank top. Her skin arose in goosebumps. “Roadies were already hard enough,” he mumbled before she leaned down and kissed him a little more urgently this time.

[haeigoo]

Compass (SJH)

ღ pairing: lifeguard!johnny x fem!reader (less beach stuff, i got carried away lol)

ღ description: nearing graduation, (y/n) spends the weekend at the local pool to unwind the stresses of school, when she meets Johnny Suh, who will be the change of perspective she needs before stepping into the next chapter in her life.

ღ word count: 2,015

ღ genre: ANGST, fluff

ღ warnings: YN HAS LOW SELF-ESTEEM FROM THE START (like self-blame, sorry), slight swearing, nothing sexual & i focused on the friendship more

ღ playlist: hate myself by dodie, heaven by maude latour, & karera by bini

ღ author's note: happy one year to me, for posting my first au here (coincidentally). this is personal to me & i’m very proud of putting it out there! <3

DON'T LIKE? DON'T READ!

“(y/n), we just finished our exams,” Mei playfully whined as she nudged your shoulder. “Let’s go out!”

“Where? I wanna stay in the city.” You chuckled.

“The local pool!” Mei rose up from her seat. “You miss swimming.”

“I wouldn’t know anyone there, except you.” You looked up at Mei and smiled.

“That’s exactly why we’re going!” Mei brimmed with anticipation.

While packing for the weekend, you were busy ruminating. Am I 100% sure?

You’ve kept quiet about your vices because you didn’t wanna be a problem for anyone to solve. The possibility of pivoting away from years of dedication to a craft, terrified you and if anyone, god forbid, were to find out, you wouldn’t know how to live with yourself. You indulged in the consequences in great detail, making you sweat profusely as your mind catered to every thought.

Hanging on the wall was your self-portrait from when you were young. Rough squiggly lines from a set of crayons your grandmother got you for Christmas. You had large oblong-shaped eyes and a rectangular smile on the piece of paper.

Imperfect but, you continued. She didn’t have a care in the world, you wondered.

The weekend finally comes when you hear a knock on the door, followed by a sweet tone which called out for you, it was Mei. Who else knows your address? you snickered. She dragged her small luggage inside and charged at you, with a snuggly hug. It just felt right for a moment.

“You look drowsy,” Mei, to her surprise, stepped away. “Was I too early?”

Your eyes widened as you took a deep gulp. If there’s one person worth telling, it’s her, right? you thought.

“Just amped up. Shall we?” You grabbed her hand and plastered a smile. After minutes without a bench in sight, you both arrive at the gate. Awfully spacious, you purse your lips.

“You sure it’s open? Looks like a cemetery.” You let out a laugh.

“Peace and quiet?” Mei giggled.

“Mhm, I do like the sound of that,” You continued. “I’ll just look around.” You left the resting hut.

Again, you were all alone but the fresh breeze did help you soothe your nerves. Walking slowly made you notice how poignant the red and white striped pool lanes were. The heat outside striked the surface of your skin as you brush your hair back. You couldn’t put into words why the constant stream of water keeps colliding.

Your thoughts were interrupted by a loud thud inside the restroom. The sink had sachets scattered messily around and a stack of kickboards were on the ground. Unbeknownst to you that taking one step would make you fall flat on the floor. The impact it had on your bottom was so painful, you couldn’t get up nor think clearly. You were greeted by a six-foot man looking down on the mess that is you.

“Shit, sorry! You okay?” The man hastily asks as he reaches out his hand for you.

“You think?” You said with gritted teeth. “My butt’s sore!”

“I’m Johnny, by the way,” Johnny hesitated for a moment before meeting your gaze. “What’s yours?”

“(y/n). But I’ve to go.” You slowly get up off the ground, with zero intent of letting him utter another word.

You were about to leave when Johnny tapped your shoulder. Something about his energy drew you in, so you indulge with what he has to say.

“A lifeguard’s not usually like this,” He continued as he scratched the back of his head. “Lemme make it up to you.”

“You’d like that, wouldn’t you?” You brushed past him.

Before turning behind your back, Johnny was left standing there, stunned. Curiosity grew deeper and you knew you had to bump into him again.

Practically limping from your swollen bottom, Mei saw you from a far and quickly ran towards your direction. She sits you down at the resting hut with a towel on her back.

“(y/n), who did this?” Mei hands you a cup of water, voice trembling.

“I slipped on the pavement!” You humour her after taking a few sips. Mei lifted a brow in response.

“Just a clumsy lifeguard.” You winced. “But I’m okay!” You look into her eyes intently.

“Doesn’t look like that.” Mei’s voice dropped, avoiding eye contact with you.

“What’re you getting at?” You tilt your head sideways, eyes bulged.

“Just tell me, (y/n).” Her nostrils flare up, voice low.

You took a deep breath as you closed your eyes. You started to mumble, at first, but you kept going. You told her how you endured studying at such a prestigious university because of her and opened up about skipping graduation altogether.

“I brushed it all off because I had you,” Your hands fidgeted. “Now, I’m not so sure.”

“So you’re saying, it’s my fault?” Mei pursed her lips. “You lied to me.” She crossed her arms.

“No, because I’d lose you if I did!” You raised your voice before covering your mouth.

“You know what,” Mei tensed up. “Talk to me when you’ve come back to your senses.” She brushed her forehead with a puzzled look.

Mei dragged her luggage, left the hut without looking back. Shocked to your core, you knew begging was useless. Letting the person you trust the most to pull away was a guttural feeling. You cried yourself to sleep that evening.

You abruptly wake up as the sun hits the surface of your skin. You hear children laughing at the pool when you are interrupted by a familiar voice.

“Sleepyhead.” A glint of light shines from Johnny.

“I don’t recall nicknames.” You retort back, getting up as you rub your eyelids.

“What’s mine, then?” He exchanged.

“Stalker.” A chuckle broke out between the space the two of you shared.

“What’re you doing, aside from spying on me?” You questioned.

“If you must know, I work here,” Johnny said. “Pool’s full today and I need an extra pair of hands. Job’s yours if you want!” He offered.

“I don’t have experience,” Before you could finish, Johnny eyed you up. It was different from the day you first met him. He wasn’t clumsy, but incredulous and had you high on a new feeling.

“Relax, I got you.” Johnny reassured you as he placed both his hands on your shoulders.

Your cheeks turned a shade of red and you knew, he had noticed as before he shook his head. You rolled your eyes at him and nodded.

Your job began by preparing kickboards near the pool. Johnny left you to man the desk for a few minutes, you didn’t expect today to be packed. You took notice of a collision of waves splashing against each other. Opposites, you tell yourself. A different life you could’ve been living if you were honest with yourself versus the one you have today. You’ve dug yourself a grave deeper than your fingers deep into the kickboard you were holding, tightening the grip when it suddenly snaps. And it was your fault. A bunch of kids with dagger eyes, gossiping about you. Tears start to form and blur your vision from what’s ahead when Johnny catches up behind you.

“Let’s go.” Johnny breathed.

“I’m fine.” You said, reluctant to take his help. “Don’t you have a job to do?���

“Technically, you do too.” Johnny laughed. “C’mon, who doesn’t take breaks?” He pulls you up to take you inside.

As you walked through the door, silence welcomed you, but in a good way. Johnny gestured to you to sit at his chair before offering you a cup of water. As you take a sip, you let out a scoff, visibly coughing as your emotions start to burst. Feelings of overwhelm lapped you like ocean waves when you lay everything down.

“I stayed in a program because it’d be too disappointing to throw away years of sweat and tears down the drain,” Your voice low, head in hands. “Now, I lost my best friend.”

You glanced up to see Johnny quiet and for once, you actually felt safe. As you were about to continue, he stood up from leaning against the desk.

“I dropped out years ago.” Johnny said, jerked his head to the side.

Your assumptions of him were disproved, all at once. Nonetheless, your mind grew curious and wanted answers to why.

Johnny opened up about dropping out to pursue a myriad of jobs, eventually landing himself more experiences than anyone you could think of. It wasn’t easy, of course. People in his life developed grudges because there wasn’t any certainty in his path.

“Must’ve been hard,” Your eyes narrowed.

“But, I got me.” Johnny shrugged. “(y/n), you have so much time on your hands. Just gotta learn how to use it.”

“What should I do?” You asked with an empty look.

“You know what you have to do, (y/n).” Johnny grinned.

It was sundown and with residents leaving, it was just the two of you again. You’ve overstayed your welcome and couldn’t bear facing another day without Mei. You thought it was ludicrous to write to a stranger.

Thanks for everything, Johnny.

Don’t be a stranger, I’ll be at 29 St. C.U.P. id Auditorium @ 5PM tomorrow.

The morning of your graduation comes and needless to say, you should’ve been at the venue, but there you were, standing outside of Mei’s door. With a simple knock, you hear the twist of the knob turn, taking a deep gulp before opening your eyes was all that seemed certain.

“Spare me five minutes?” You asked.

Mei nods her head, still arms crossed and not uttering a word.

“I’m sorry,” You continued. “Just the program itself, but I was never lying to you about who I was.”

If it weren’t for the weekend, you would’ve never gained the strength to apologize to her. But you had arrived here, feeling a lot more secure of yourself.

“C’mere.” Mei pulls you into a tight embrace, arms wrapped around every inch of you as tears cascade down. “You’re gonna figure this out.” She said reassuringly.

After some time, you went home to prepare and as you were getting dressed, your mind wandered off to that weekend. You’d hope he’d show but brushed it off immediately. He’s probably busy, you say to yourself.

The auditorium was a street away and as soon as you stepped inside, it was a different atmosphere. A widely packed audience filled with people’s emotions gushing uncontrollably. Fellow batchmates called for your attention. This isn’t so bad, you thought.

You found your seat by the end of the row as the event began. The crowd grew loud with the heartfelt speeches that the professors and students gave. The time came to line up before the stage and you were growing uneasy.

“Next, (y/n) (l/n)!” The speaker exclaimed.

Your lips start to curl downward, eyeing the diploma. The dean shook your hand and pulled the other to slip the paper in. Unreal. The photographer was gesturing in front of you when your eyes veered from across the crowd, Mei smiling with her thumbs up close to her face.

And with a flash, you’re a fresh graduate. Still feels like pretend except you have the gown and diploma to prove it.

The ceremony ended with tearful goodbyes as trenchers were thrown up into the sky. You rose from your seat when a bouquet of flowers found its way into your arms.

“Excuse me,” Johnny continued. “I think you dropped this!” All dressed in his most comfortable sweater and slacks, accentuating his physique.

No longer fighting away tears, you accept what’s in front of you. “I’m glad you came.” You sniffled.

“No tardies.” Johnny snickered. “But, I’m really proud of you.” He leaned closer, meeting your gaze.

Johnny placed both his hands on your waist and you were expecting a hug, when he picked you up and spun you around. Giggles escape between the two of you.

You weren’t known for taking risks, but you probably wouldn’t be here without it. You start the next chapter of your life with a fresh take in mind.

[falsettos-tight-knit-family]

30 Falsettos Challenge in 2 Days (Part 2)

16) A Character You'd Want To Date: Whizzer. No questions asked. Next-

17) A Character You Want To Get To Know Better: As I said before, I'd love to know more about Charlotte as a character because I love the lesbians and I feel like even Cordelia got more fleshing out than she did.

18) Best Decision Someone Made In The Musical: Jason choosing to have his Bar Mitzvah in Whizzer's hospital room is something that still emotionally pains me every time I hear that song tbh

19) One Character You'd Want To Sing With: I'd take either part in any Whizzvin duet, especially if we're talking about Christian and Andrew's versions, they both have such good voices to harmonize with.

20) Favorite Cast Member: Andrew Rannells. I became immediately obsessed with other stuff he's done (I want to watch Black Monday and The New Normal so bad, but my family doesn't have Amazon Prime). Only when I watched the Thanksgiving side by side did I realize that the entire cast is incredibly chaotic in the best of ways and has such good chemistry together.

21) To Try To Convince Someone To Watch Falsettos, What Would You Show Them? I've already done this twice with my friends, the first thing I show them is a very specific compilation on youtube (Falsettos Act 1 Moments That Make Me Scream), because it's the same way I got into Falsettos to begin with

22) Which Act Did You Prefer? In terms of just music, probably Act 1 because I always lean towards more upbeat songs and it has less of a chance to make me burst out crying while watching/listening to it. But in terms of which I'd rather watch, I'd for sure say Act 2. The lesbians are there, you get to see Marvin and Whizzer get back together along with all of his and everyone else's character development, the story is absolutely heartbreaking, and I could go on-

23) Something That Makes You Passionately Rant: There's so many details between Unlikely Lovers through the end of What Would I Do that I feel the need to rant about. This is all stream of consciousness written at 2 am, so fair warning and I hope it all makes some kind of sense. So I talked briefly about Unlikely Lovers in another question, but ever since I saw someone point out how one of the reasons Whizzer probably wanted Marvin to go home was because he didn't want Marvin to have to wake up next to him if he died in his sleep, which I believe is true and the implication that he would rather spend what is hypothetically his last night alone, than for Marvin to have to go through that hurts me so bad- I already talked about the Cordelia part, but I will bring it up again because it is literally the first time we see her sad and it needs to be acknowledged more often. Jason praying to God and asking him for something for what appears to be the first time ("I don't think we've ever really spoken"). He doesn't know if God exists, but he's praying and hoping that if He does, He can somehow help Whizzer. In the Something Bad Reprise, when Charlotte says the line about AIDS being infectious, it feels like there's hardly a reaction on Marvin's end. As if he's already lost so much in the few weeks since learning Whizzer had it, that he's either numb/not surprised anymore or just doesn't care as much if he lives or dies if Whizzer will be gone by then anyway. I don't think there's much to be pointed out about You Gotta Die Sometime, but I do want to bring up how the end of that song immediately transitions into Jason's Bar Mitzvah. Whizzer finally let himself feel scared and just had an emotional breakdown over accepting the fact that he's about to die. He was sobbing by the time the transition happened and it's still noticeable as Jason starts singing. He's terrified that he's going to die, and now everyone he cares about is suddenly here. In his hospital room. All together here to celebrate one of the most important days in Jason's life, with Whizzer, who just two years ago was only known as Marvin's male lover. The one who broke up the family. Now he was part of the family, the one bringing them all together. Again, What Would I Do is just depressing even on surface level. I know everyone says they cry over "We're just gonna skip that stage" and i understand that, I'm much more emotionally damaged by Marvin's "I'd do it again. I'd like to believe that I'd do it again and again and again" which aside from showing how much he's grown since the beginning, he's not only saying he'd go through all that drama and heartache just to be with Whizzer every single time, but he also knows at this point that he is also most likely going to die directly because he was involved with Whizzer. And still, he'd do it all again for him (As I write this I am not okay-). Oh and also, in Days Like This, right before the song starts, Marvin very clearly puts on a fake smile to try and make Whizzer feel better and it really does need to be appreciated more-

24) A Character From Another Musical You'd Like To See In Falsettos: After that essay of pure sadness, I'm gonna go for the funny route and say Elder Price, not for anything story or even character related (because idk enough about the story or characters of BoM), but purely because it's Andrew Rannells² and I think the reactions to someone who looks just like Whizzer would be funny

25) A Character You Can Identify With: As much as I'd love to say Whizzer (and I do identify with him to an extent), it has to be Cordelia. Her general aura of happiness and energy, being the only one entertained by Marvin during The Baseball Game, and awkwardly laughing at Mendel's bad jokes, all are things I heavily relate to-

26) Favorite Non-Romantic Relationship: Whizzer and Jason's stepfather-son bond. I love them so so much, I wholeheartedly think that he was Jason's best dad of the 3. He came to his baseball game, despite being broken up with his father for 2 years and even when not part of the family, made it clear to everyone that he loves Jason ("I love baseball. I love Jason" "I love Jason, but this is not his venue"). He was the one who stood up and taught him how to swing the bat correctly and supported him fully, even though he knew as well as anyone that Jason wasn't great at the game. I will never be over this

--- 27) Favorite Quote/One Part Of A Song: Well the "kill your mother" line is taken from earlier so I'll say during Everyone Tells Jason To See a Psychiatrist, from when they introduced Whizzer like a Heather and through to the end of the song. The dramatic entrance, the head flick, Whizzer’s excited smile when Jason says he’ll go, Marvin mocking Trina’s hand movements during “they don’t make house calls” it’s all great

28) Something A Character Did That Pissed You Off: Marvin hitting Trina would be too obvious and the Chess Game was a metaphor, but Marvin in This Had Better Come to a Stop when he says Whizzer should "Always be here, making dinner, set to screw" and just being generally hypocritical (ex. "Whizzer screws too much to see what a joy's monogamy" sir you cheated on your wife and want to have both her and Whizzer at the same time. Idc if it's not sexual, it sure as hell isn't traditional monogamy)

29) A Photo/Edit/Manip That Makes You Happy: Here’s a couple of many behind the scenes pictures that make me smile (yes one is technically a gif)

Can you tell I love Andrew Rannells?

30) Something Else About The Musical You Want To Add (Wildcard): You know what I'm gonna simp in the wildcard- The way Andrew says a couple of his lines, specifically in the proshot, are randomly very attractive to me. I specifically mean "Hang up your clothes Marvin, breeding shows, Marvin" in TTOFL and "Sex and games in New York City" in A Day In Falsettoland. Also, idk if this is simp worthy or not, but the higher harmonies Christian hits in some of the songs (ex. Unlikely Lovers) are so pretty and super satisfying to listen to

[heretherebedork]

I'm just here to scream with you about Star Struck. Those boys are wrecking me. And your analysis is what I looked for as soon as I finished the episode. And as I read it, I sounded like a crazy person, cause I'm just saying "EXACTLY!" out loud to my computer several times in a row.

They're both in their own heads and not really communicating, and it hurts me to watch. The fear is ever present in both of them. And the chocolate box scene was so good. There was so much meaning in that small gesture.  I didn't know if I should cry or smile.

And I'm so afraid of that kiss. I'm afraid YooJae went for that kiss just for fear of being abandoned again and didn't think it through. There are only 2 episodes left and I think there's more hurt to come. 

I need hope for them. I need smiles and happy endings.

Anyway, always appreciate your episode analysis.  (thanks for the space)

That kiss is terrifying but also has to be so freeing.

Oh, the way YooJae was staring at HanJoon when he said he hadn't figured out his feelings yet? The way he said he wouldn't let him abandon him again? Every little bit of jealousy and this desperate need to matter to him beyond anything he'd ever had?

I think YooJae realized he loved HanJoon but still fears that love, fears a relationship like his parents but also fears that he will be left again, that he will be alone and he cannot handle that.

(HanJoon loves YooJae but he lived five months and chose not to contact him while YooJae waited and it was YooJae who reached out in the end because he can't stay away, because he needs him and he can't exist without him in any way.)

It's about how HanJoon was willing to end their friendship and still is but YooJae doesn't know how to exist without him, needs him, saw a life without him and regretted every moment.

They love each other but that love has actually left them distrustful of each other. Because HanJoon's love was a big gift that YooJae turned down (for HanJoon's good, because he didn't want his friend spending his money on him instead of taking care of himself, because he wants to be able to take care of him instead) and now YooJae's love is in a gift that was rejected as well, a birthday present that HanJoon wouldn't take (but he did take the party, didn't he? he did accept what everyone else does for him, it's just YooJae) and that's the most painful part of the show.

Because the show is about how much they love each other but how much that very act keeps hurting them because they can't seem to express it in a way that helps them understand each other.

I am so worried but also so excited for the finale next week.

[learningfromlosing]

We live in a small motel right now. It is cheap for the amount we pay every month. It harbors drug dealers. And we have to pay them a higher fee than we would online, just because it's what they say. It's just a room with a bathroom. There are roaches and bed bugs, and there's a literal hole in the wall. We didn't get a microwave. They do not offer the laundry services they put on the website. They do not bring us new sheets or towels, even when we ask for them. We've been terrified every week about not being able to afford the room longer. We have taped down the window cover because the cats would keep going into the window, showing that we have more animals than is allowed in here.

And yet, they do not bother us. They no longer knock on the door on Fridays asking if we're staying over, and when we're going to pay. They wait for us. They know we're going to pay. And they've made exceptions for us because we're kind.

It's been a struggle keeping such a small space clean with all of the animals. Sometimes we can't pay for new food, or new litter right away. But while we all wait, we keep each other company. I am reminded by their love for one another that it's what's important. I am reminded every time I see a stray animal I wish I could take home, how lucky Lady Luck was to come across us when she was pregnant. It was winter and the snow could have killed them all. They would have had to spend the entire winter struggling, losing each other along the way. They would have become hard from the stress of being a stray, if they survived. And when I see them all laying together, cuddling, cleaning each other. Warm. I am reminded that it could have been very different for them.

I struggle with feeling like this is all my fault. I struggle with feeling like I'm making wrong decisions. That I'm choosing my heart too much. That I'm choosing justice too much. And not choosing it enough. That I'm saying what I think is right too much, and it's too dangerous. That it makes me lose things.

And yet, when I look around at the things I've lost. It feels like things I could afford to lose. It feels like things may never be right, but they'll never be all that bad.

We cannot use our truck right now, and we're still waiting for the stars to align on a day we have all of our papers and our money ready to be able to get it fixed and be able to use it again. Although it is a struggle, it is a goal. And we get closer and closer to that goal.

We cannot pay to get our clothes cleaned in a shop yet, we cannot get our things out of the storage locker that feels impossible to pay every month. I've lost my lifelong stuffed animal.

And yet, we continue. I've taken a bucket that I've used to store things and I've cleaned it out. I've put our dirty clothes into it and I've cleaned them by hand with shampoo. I've hung them up on the Halloween streamers to dry above the air conditioner. And when they're dry they might not be professionally cleaned, but god damn is it better than nothing. Damn is it better than wearing the same sweaty stinky fucking clothes everyday.

Sometimes, it's hard to feel like I deserve to live. It's hard to remember that my life is still worth it. It's hard to remember that I didn't ruin my fiances life. It's hard to remember we matter.

And yet, we do. I do. Because multiple things can be true at once. It can be true that I might not make the best decisions all the time, but it's still true that I'm trying as much as I can. It can be true that I'm a disappointment to my parents, but it's still true that they're a disappointment to me as well. It can be true that I should just get up and do it, as much as it's true that I do not deserve to die because I cannot find the energy at that moment. It's true that I might be someone you look down on, as true as it is that no matter how many people do, I carry on.

This fucked up, cruel, beautiful world is still my home. And I will live in it how I choose to. I will survive. How I choose to.

[here-sean-once-was]

My name is Baraa Al-Shorfa, I am 15 years old. We are a family of 6, my mother, father and 4 children, my youngest brother is 8 years old, since October 7, 2023, we have been suffering from a brutal war that has destroyed our dreams and hopes, and has gone beyond the limits of human comprehension. During this brutal war, we have endured hardships that mountains cannot bear. We suffer from severe water shortages, and we often walk about a kilometer to get one gallon of water, which is equivalent to about 16 liters, barely enough for five family members. We also suffer from severe food and nutrition shortages due to the blockade imposed on northern Gaza for 10 months, which prevents the entry of basic materials such as meat, vegetables and fruits. This situation has forced us to eat animal feed such as barley, which has caused us to lose weight, suffer from multiple diseases, and greatly weaken our immune systems. As a result of the war, our home and agricultural land that provided us with our daily sustenance were completely destroyed and bulldozed. We also suffered from repeated displacement, moving from one place to another and from one area to another due to the horrific and brutal bombing. We also suffer from fear and terror due to the heavy bombing, fire belts and explosives, the sound of tanks was very terrifying. In addition, we were deprived of education and the opportunity to build a future. My younger brothers suffer from skin diseases, but the hospitals, which are the lifeline for every patient and needy, were also destroyed. We face a shortage of medicines and vaccines while diseases are increasing and spreading among us, with no solution in sight as there are no hospitals or medical supplies available here in Gaza. We live in constant fear for my younger brothers because they have not received their general vaccinations, especially after the spread of polio due to the lack of cleaning supplies and the massive accumulation of waste in the streets. I also should have been vaccinated against Tetanus and Typhoid fever, but I did not receive them due to the lack of vaccinations, and sewage water flooded the streets, posing a serious threat to our children. We suffered from jaundice, where we struggled for about two weeks with fatigue, dizziness and other symptoms. It is a deadly disease, my brothers' little bodies became full of red pimples and as I mentioned before there is no treatment available due to the destruction of hospitals and health centers.

We also suffer from the absence of cooking gas, which forces us to use wood and plastic to light fires, which can lead to poisoning. We have been without electricity since October 7th, spending days in the dark, causing immense fear for my little brothers. This has also made it very difficult to charge our phones and night light batteries. We had to travel kilometers from our home to find places with electricity, which costs us a lot to charge our phones and batteries.

Moreover, we have not had a steady income since the beginning of the war.

This is our goal to achieve with your help.

I appeal to you to help my family so that we can live a better life.

https://www.gofundme.com/f/uybndx-alhrob-mn-alhrb?utm_campaign=٨p_nacp+share-sheet&utm_medium=copy_link&utm_source=customer

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/u/0/d/e/2PACX-1vTKQYInYewFiGUX4afdHK-rANJDT4dgOC4IV6elKYNvYI2HvOTf_6IsTqt5m2KXcr_pGxcqR8AvsAJi/pubhtml#

VETTED BY BUTTERFLY 🦋NU 911

Hi!  I will help in any way I can! As im not able to donate at the moment I will share your campaign!

For anyone who is able to donate this is the direct link to the gofundme

[webbedfoet]

August 25th, 2024. 4:40 AM

I mourn all of the small moments.

Holding your hand at graduation. Moving in together. Coming home to you after a long day. Telling each other goodnight. Congratulating the wins and comforting the losses. Sharing stupid memes on our stupid phones. Driving around town just to get out of the house for a little while. Waking up on a Sunday morning just to lay there next to you. Feeling your heartbeat next to mine. Feeling safe. Feeling okay.

Every time I see something that reminds me of you, I mourn all over again. A lifetime of memories I will never have flashes in my eyes and I am overwhelmed with nothing but grief for a life unlived. I think of how much I loved you. I think of how much I still love you.

I think of every time I begged you not to leave. I think of the pain of grief and loss and visceral panic I felt every time you said we were incompatible. The weight of all of my lifetime of grief piled on top of me in those moments. I thought about my brother. And my best friend. And everyone in my life who has gone. And I would mentally start trying to add you to the tally but the thought of it was so terrifying I froze in fear every time. I grieved you in those moments, but I grieved every life I had lost before you, too.

I always kept trying harder. and harder. and harder. Desperately trying to prevent more death and more grief and more loss from entering my life yet again, swallowing me whole. I cursed myself with every new argument we had. I lived in the fear of your anger for quite some time. I questioned why I could never seem to do enough to prevent the threats from coming up again. I tried so hard. I tried so very hard.

And then you drifted away, no matter what I did. And I watched it happen. I saw it from afar. I knew what was happening. I knew it was too late. I had lost you. We just hadn't called it that yet.

For about 6 months, I grieved. I mourned. I desperately tried to regain your love and affection. I cried so much that semester. I could feel it all slipping away. I know I should have just talked to you before it got that bad. I was afraid to. I was afraid you'd finally force the end for good. I was terrified of losing yet another person I had fought so hard to not lose. I was terrified of being alone again. I was terrified of what it said about me that I can never seem to prevent the loss. That I always, always end up alone in the end.

Even when I know it was doomed to end this way, I still blame myself. If I was skinnier and more attractive, maybe you wouldn't have lost interest. Maybe I could have prevented it if I just suffocated all of my needs and wishes. Maybe if I could have just been happy without having any boundaries for myself. Maybe I was just a nagging bitch. I don't deserve anything. I should be grateful anyone even looked my way. I don't deserve anything.

So I sit here. And I mourn and I cry and I hold back the urge to go running and pleading to the one person who can make the pain stop for just a moment. To my comfort person. My safety blanket. My love. And I know I can't do that. I know it will drive a larger wedge. I know it will be incredibly unhealthy for the both of us. So instead I just sit in my bathroom and grieve the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life pouring my love into, and I wonder where I went wrong, and I wonder if it was the right decision, and I curse myself for all of my decisions regardless, and I wish you would love me again, and I wish I had never met you, and I wish I could turn back time so that I could start over and build it back up healthily this time, and I wish I didn't care whether or not you love me, and I wish I still didn't love you so deeply, and I wish I loved you enough to have made it work out, and I wish you did too.

Maybe someday I'll send this to you. Maybe we can cry over it together. I hope I can hug you again. And hold your hand again. I can't hug anyone else I've lost. Those ones are a little more permanent. I saw a really cute video today and wanted to send it to you. I shouldn't miss you so much but I do. My worst nightmare has come true entirely of my own volition and I knew it would hurt, but not like this. I didn't know just how haunted I would feel by the ghosts of the future. I don't want reality to be real right now. I want a hug. I want anything to take the pain away. I love you too much. I wish love was all we needed. But unfortunately love is not enough.

[thatmorningfix]

The Art of Chasing Dreams: Balancing Ambition and Chill

"I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later."

When I stumbled upon this quote by the legendary Mitch Hedberg, I couldn't help but burst into laughter. It's the kind of witty remark that hits close to home, challenging our relentless pursuit of success with a dose of humor and irreverence. But as much as I laughed, it also got me thinking—am I too uptight in my approach to achieving my dreams? Could a laid-back attitude actually be the secret ingredient to success? Join me as we embark on a lighthearted exploration of balancing ambition with chill.

Embracing the Quirkiness:

First things first, let's give credit where credit is due—Mitch Hedberg had a knack for turning mundane observations into comedic gold. His quirky take on life reminds us not to take ourselves too seriously and to find humor in the absurdity of it all. So, before we delve into the deeper questions about ambition and success, let's take a moment to appreciate the sheer brilliance of his wit.

The Struggle with Structure:

As someone who thrives on structure and organization, the idea of "hooking up with my dreams later" feels both liberating and terrifying. On one hand, it's a refreshing departure from my meticulously planned approach to life. On the other hand, the mere thought of relinquishing control sends shivers down my spine. But what if we took a cue from the quote and simply went with the flow? By relinquishing the need to control every aspect of our lives, we open ourselves up to new opportunities and experiences that we may have never imagined. So, let's embrace the unknown, trust in the journey, and see where life takes us.

Finding Balance:

As much as I'd love to channel my inner free spirit and embrace a more laid-back approach to life, the truth is, balance is key. While structure and ambition are essential for setting goals and working towards success, so too is flexibility and spontaneity.  Sometimes, the most memorable experiences happen when we least expect them. Perhaps it's not about completely abandoning one mindset in favor of the other, but rather finding harmony between the two.  Instead of obsessing over the destination, let's enjoy the ride and be open to unexpected opportunities along the way.

Embracing Failure with Humor:

Let's face it—life doesn't always go according to plan, and that's okay! Instead of viewing failure as a setback, why not embrace it with a sense of humor? After all, some of the best stories come from our most epic failures. So, the next time things don't go quite as planned, let's laugh it off, learn from the experience, and move forward with renewed determination and resilience.

Missing Out vs. Making Space:

The fear of missing out on opportunities can be paralyzing, leading us to overcommit and exhaust ourselves in pursuit of success. But what if, instead of frantically chasing after every opportunity that comes our way, we made space for serendipity? Whether it's enjoying a leisurely stroll in the park, indulging in our favorite hobbies, or simply spending time with loved ones, there's beauty to be found in the little moments of life. What if we allowed ourselves to step back, breathe, and trust that the right opportunities will present themselves in due time?  By shifting our focus from the future to the present, we can cultivate a sense of contentment and fulfillment right here, right now.

In Conclusion:

As we navigate the winding road of chasing our dreams, let's remember to inject a healthy dose of humor and spontaneity into the journey. While ambition and structure are important, so too is embracing the unexpected twists and turns along the way. So, here's to finding a balance between ambition and chill, and connecting with your dreams.  Take a moment to step back, breathe, and ask yourself: where are my dreams going? And perhaps, just perhaps, you'll find that they've been waiting for you all along, ready to take you on the adventure of a lifetime. Read the full article

[aboatwithlegs]

An Objectively Correct Rewrite of The Arthur Finale

'Sup nerds and nerdinos, I have a problem with Arthur.

No, not Arthur Koestler (though no one with CBE after their name escapes my wrath on principle alone). I'm talking about Arthur Read, the autistic aardvark who dresses like an 8 year old Mr. Rogers and somehow still has more friends than you.

But my problem isn't with the twerp's fashion sence, it's with Season 25, Episode 4b: All Grown Up, aka Arthur's final episode. The very moment it released in 2022 the ground quaked, the oceans roared, the angels wept as the sky tore asunder and God Themself¹ decended to personsally task me with rewriting it. I said I'd get around to it.

Babies and mentlegen, that day is today because I have nothing better to do.

TW: SA, drugs, death, TERFs, student loans

The Correct Futures

The only thing you need to know about the old version is that they got old, cuz we're scrapping all of it aside from that. The adult versions of each characters was so far removed from the actual futures of these characters that I am personally insulted and have filed with my lawyer to see everyone responsible for it given a restraining order. So we gotta fix that. This episode here is gonna be a feature-length anthology film. Every character gets a 5-10 minute sequence where we see how the next 20 years of their life unfold. I'm gonna put them in alphabetical order because the only one who can tell me what to do is my talking cat. Oh, and remember: Habrá Examen, Langosta Perezosa! ***~~~*** ***~~~***

Alan "Brain" Powers: Goes to MIT and finds that, after being "The Brain" for so many years, he is suddenly just average. It's such a shock to his ego that he begins to instinctively lash out at everything he finds unfamiliar, eventually dropping out and becoming a moderately successful right-wing podcaster and youtuber.

Arthur Read: Our boy grows up to be a perpetual grad student (English major, of course). He pays the rent as a TA and is so terrified of the world outside of academia that he finds comfort spending quiet evenings in, grading papers from the comfort of his dingy bachelor apartment. He lives off instant ramen and spends most of his free time escaping into his books. He sometimes daydreams of getting a "real job", owning a house, and raising a family like his parents did, but dismisses it as too idealistic.

Buster Baxter: Eventually gets Diagnosed with ADHD and an Adderall prescription changes his life. He starts excelling in school and fixates on a dream of becoming an indie film director. At age 14 he is diagnosed with a brain tumor, and a few weeks after his 17th birthday his dying wish is fulfilled when his ashes are sent to space². Every year that passes his friends take a little longer to remember his name.

D.W. Read: Develops symptoms of BPD and a coke addiction. At age 16 she uses a fake I.D. to get a job as a stripper until her cousin Ryder recognises her mid-lap dance. She spends a year in juvie and drops out of high school. She drops by the Read household every few months to ask for money, but the rest of the time no one knows where she is.

Fern & George Walters: Fern and George marry when they are both 18, he takes her last name. She is a stay-at-home mother raising their two young children, writing BDSM-fueled erotic fiction while the kids are at school. George keeps the bills paid with a steady office job as a software engineer and maintains a healthy work-life balance to ensure he's present for his family. They've never left Elwood and wouldn't have it any other way.

Frank Frensky: Frank (still going by "Francine") goes through an extended period of identifying as a butch lesbian before finally coming out as trans-masc. When he finally transitions it involves cutting off his family and moving out of state to start fresh. He plays drums in an underground queercore collective and self-publishes a zine featuring semi-biographical comics about a young boy growing up in Elwood.

Jenna Morgan: Disappears under mysterious circumstances. No one notices for 7 years, which then sparks a city-wide furvor as everyone tries to investigate the disappearance at once. Later found to have not actually gone anywhere.

Muffy Crosswire: Dates Frank ("Francine") for most of high school. Muffy ends the relationship when Frank comes out as trans and gets deep into TERF circles. After graduating Yale and getting her LLM in constitutional law she enters state-level politics as an openly queer Republican. She uses LGBTQ+ and Feminist talking points to advance a far-right cryptofascist agenda and is generally considered to be "one of the good ones" by both parties.

Prunella Deegan: A naturopathic wellness-coach with extensive collections of both healing crystals and cats. Her entire segment is an extended anti-vax rant with hippy aphorisms sprinkled throughout. Enthusiastically voted for Muffy.

Shelley "Binky" Barnes: His mother begins an extended affair with Pickles the Clown, leading the already-distant Mr. Barnes to file for divorce. Binky is left in his mother's care, but she soon finds him too much to handle, especially with how little he seems to respect his new step-father. He is passed around various aunts and uncles for most of his adolescent life and begins to act out at school as a result, earning him a reputation as a troublemaker. When he's sixteen he attends a house party and finds Sue Ellen alone in a room with the dead body of a boy from their class. She frantically explains that he was trying to assault her and hit his head on something after she pushed him off. Binky opts to take the fall for her, stating to police that he punched the boy in jealousy. He is sentenced to 10 years in prison for aggravated assault and 3rd degree murder. Even while in prison he maintains a close friendship - bordering on romance - with Sue Ellen, but he insists that she not wait for him because he wants her to be happy and loved. A week after his release he is arrested for armed robbery. Officers report that the suspect seemed relieved when they arrived, and said something to the effect of "I'm going home".

Sue Ellen Armstrong: Sue Ellen becomes an ardent activist in middle school and is a regular face at demonstrations and community support orgs alike all throughout high school. When she's 16 a boy tries to force himself on her at a house party and she fights him off, accidentally snapping his neck and killing him instantly. Binky perjurs himself in order to take the fall for her. As the years pass, Sue Ellen gets burned out as an activist and instead works as a graphic designer for NPOs. She continues to visit Binky in prison and considers him her one true love, though he insists they can never be because she deserves someone who can be there for her. Sue Ellen never commits to a serious relationship, but does occasionally entertain casual encounters with older, often married, men. Occasionally speedruns Virtual Goose: Unleashed on Twitch.

Third Grade Male Rat #1: Killed in an altercation after sexually assaulting Sue Ellen. Is mourned by no one.

No one.

So yeah, I think that's pretty much it. Make it hand-drawn, black-and-white, and have it on my desk in an hour kthxbi