#i'm gonna sleep now it's like two am
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Also I quit my job of what would in about a month or two have been 10 years, and perhaps now I will get to actually be a human being again.
#honestly? honestly?#last week i told the two (2) godawful egomaniac lab head Man In Academia bosses i quit and that we need to formalise it asap and i just#felt like a little feather about to float away on a breeze#maybe now i can do normal people things like eat and sleep and have a routine of some sort idk#i have been slowly losing it for at least 3-4 years now#i took a screenshot and last year i had no fewer than 14 fucking travel orders fulfilled#most of which consisted of like 12+ hour days on ships and docks#i'm just so tired man#not for reblogging obviously#i don't really wanna vent anymore or ponder them and the entire godforsaken institution but like#good riddance tbh#which is really really sad when you think about it! but here we are#it was just... no trace of future anywhere to be seen! entirely a Void!!#gonna post a beefy lesbian paladin real quick to push this post down lmao#but i felt like sharing because i know there's good and concerned people who follow me here and i both appreciate and miss you all#and lord knows some of you have been listening to me vent and whine for ages#am i going to miss some great people and the research community of my field? of course but also it was all just completely unsustainable
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#mega swampert#NOW they're angry! what about? i dunno‚ but they're gonna tell you!#this mega is definitely *cool*—it actually introduces a significant difference. turns swampert into a big tank guy#which i think is badass‚ even if i wouldn't really take it over regular swampert‚ personally. it really changes the look and vibe#and i'm a bigger fan of the more lanky regular swampert‚ honestly#i'm running on three and a half hours of sleep i'm Desperately trying to come up with something interesting to say here#my bedroom has two big-ass windows in it that let in sunlight so it always wakes me up at like 9 AM sharp#and i went to bed at like 5 PM last night. didn't even fall asleep until like 6. so i'm a little bit wrecked this morning but y'know#this isn't the place to talk about that. this is a place to talk about mega swampert. and here that is!!!
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*looking at my history notes*
"Okay so this is 4.7k words long, I usually can read at least 40/50k words of fanfiction a day so I should be able to..."
#steel rambles#I can't do this anymore chat#I am very tired and I don't remember a thing#these last 2 months have already radicalized me#the next two are gonna determine the beginning of my villain era because what the fuck Italian school system#what the actual fuck#I am disappointed because i feel like I'm doing too little but burnt out because I'm also doing too much#but also the wrong things#and I have to see where I'm gonna live/do in September while I'm hitting my head against *checks noted* ah yes russian revolution#anyway since getting an ao3 account I've started measuring things in word count. which is hell.#it's like measuring the worth of things over 10 cents goleadors but now they cost 20 cents and my system has been broken by inflation#that's silly tho#I'm gonna pull another allnighter#i wouldn't sleep either way
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About to hand weave this man a potion carrying pouch in his character colors. I was already thinking about it. And then was like no. It's too early. I'll just give him a bit of the yarn my pouch is woven out of that I hypothetically would use as one of the components as a favor to wear for the tournament. I will be normal. So normal.
AND THEN HE GAVE ME A HANDMADE POTION CARRYING POUCH IN HIS BLUE THIS MAN MATCHED MY FREAK AND I TEMPORARILY SCALED BACK
gonna stay at 100% freak going forward
#faer personal files#i am about to get so so sappy in the tags#i am typing this bc i started setting up my loom and then i was like wait i need sleep#i literally have dnd in the morning#augh#it is immune to boyfriend curse bc 1. he did not request it 2. it is a surprise and 3. i am weaving not knitting 4. im not a girl#oh 5 he's not even technically my boyfriend yet#i also want to flex. like even when he is at events i am not at i want people envying his custom hand woven pouch and him to be like thanks#my partner made it for me <3#man cannot hand me a mace and a cool heraldic item and expect me to not want everyone to know he is loved#he's gonna have to get used to it. not saying i love you yet you know what i mean.#idk. i like him so much. i like who he is i like how he is and i like that he actually has room for me in his head#i like being looked at without feeling sliced in two. even i can't always do that when i look in the mirror.#i like when he smiles. i like when he looks a little surprised about how delighted i am by him but i'm gonna like it even more when#the surprise settles down bc he feels secure in how much i like him#i wanna make him worse i want to give him an ego i want to make him better i want him to love himself so much#i love getting 3 am goodnight texts bc he was working on his art i love sending those i was in an art hole text now i must sleep texts#a good 6 hours earlier lol and having him be just as hyped i love talking to him i love his smile so much#i am putting in the work to get chill with reciprocation bc i am not used to it and wow. wow. this is. very nice.#my knight
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I loved your addition to the Richard and Paul post about friends mimicking and mirroring certain habits. Quite interesting from a psychological point of you, so thank you for bringing that up 😊
Aw! You're welcome! <3 I love reading about psychology. I had that as my first pick and had Archaeology as a 2nd pick. But of course I didn't have enough points/good enough grades to get into a year of psychology. But it's fun to read as a hobby anyway!
But back to the Paulchard case; It's very cute to see that they are taking from each other's gestures, especially when they are telling stories. Who do you think started it all? I have a feeling it might have been Paul, since I remember seeing some Feeling B interviews with him and Flake and baby Paul would always gesture his hands all around, up and down, left and right (even back then), while Flake would most likely be still. Meanwhile I haven't seen Richard do it so much in the past. He seemed rather shy in the 90's with Rammstein (unless if he was really high on drugs while performing on stage, to the point where he didn't seem to be "there" mentally, which I am so happy he got out of/quit! He seems so much healthier and aware now! Good for him!) With time, I think Richard gradually adapted/mimicked Paul's outgoing personality, first as a way for Paul to find something in common with him/like him, as what I explained in my addition, until this outgoing persona rubbed off onto Richard so much, that it became a part of him to.
So NOW it's like they are having this cute "competition" about who can be the most charming/outgoing person in interviews, and the cutest part of it all; is that they are probably not even AWARE of themselves that they have this little, wholesome "competition" to win the smiles of the fans! <3 Their mind is probably just doing it now because they subconsciously want to be "the most likable among all the guys". I don't think there is any harm in this though! It's not like one of them think he is so much better than the other, intentionally, that he would try to put the other man down/ make him seen as less valuable/weaker tham himself". At this point I think it is, and has always been a very wholesome (and highly unintenionally!), cute little "competition" to try and win over the most fans! <3 I'm glad you liked my little add on this! ^ ^ I thought it would be a boring read xD
#aw! not only did you notice and like it ..you even got out of your way to add this as a little “ask”! Wow thank you so much! <3#I am on my computer so I am afraid there is a lack of cute emojis#my phone battery is dead and I am too lazy to charge it right now#I'm gonna go and sleep anyway but I just couldn't pass that cute compilations of gestures wihtout adding my two scents of things/my thought#the viking gets...appreciated? I guess?#snålt!#så snålt!#ps; snålt means cute in MY Norwegian dialect but it doesn't mean that in Oslo-Norwegian that you learn at Duolingo xD#Norwegian is weird like that with all the different dialects!#love from a mutual#Tusen millioner takk..a Thousand million thanks! I really appreciate that you actually appreciated something about me...if that makes sense#meaning that in the end I appreciate you!..Thank you so much for brighten up my mood <3 I needed this! Thank you! <3
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Today's Sanlu art is probably gonna be late btw I meant to get a head start on it last night when I got home but I was so EEPY. So I took a nap instead LMAO
#Shima speaks#Ofc that bit me in the ass later bc when it was actually time to sleep I could NOT#I tossed and turned all night. Just bc I already went snork mimimimi for like two hours.#Shakes my fists#Anyway I'm gonna try to work on it when I get home but no promises ;)))#I'm exhausted tbh work has been running me ragged and my boss was just in town so#IT'LL GET DONE. Just probably not today. Esp since I gotta ummm. Design some stuff. ;)#Also it is SO fucking hot in my office right now I am DYINGGGG#IT'S ROASTY TOASTY PRINCESS SHIMA HOURS. I'M ON FIRE
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I snapped today at work, and by snapped I mean I politely commented on a help desk ticket by summing up an mess of an (type of) issue that's come up for at least the fourth time in the 2+ months I've been managing user accounts, and asked the person responsible to fix it (himself for once) because last time I fixed his mess-up it took me two whole days to work out the details with at least four other colleagues from different departments and I really don't want to do it again. there's other shit that needs doing, I've been working 10+ hour days for most of this week already, so I need to cut down not add on more.
(good thing tho - at least we managed to fix the issue where the dataset of a newer employee got mixed up with another one of the same name and therefore wasn't able to apply for any of the access/accounts she needed. technically not entirely my area but it does impact us not being allowed to create an account for her so I figured I might as well track that issue down. took three days and at least three other people, but hey - it should all work out now. yay for that)
#been feeling anxious af ever since bc it's the first time I've been this firm in a reply and idk how they'll take it#there's underlying issues in inter-departmental communication that need fixing that cause these issues to happen again and again#but my boss is on parental leave and his substitute is sick not that she cares or is up for doing her job where communication is concerned#so there's no real sense in addressing that rn esp by me who's only been there since June. but it does frustrate me a lot#anyway. I'm sure I'll get over this too. but yeah.. ppl not thinking things through for the two mins it takes to create an account#or the twenty seconds it takes to check if one already exists before creating a new one#or the minute it takes to check if folks still have an active contract past their time working in your department before deleting an accoun#just jfc. put in a smidge of effort and five mins total and save the rest of us from spending half a day to fix your mistake#oh well. if I get a pissy response I'll just blame it on being new as an intern and being too motivated and idealistic I guess#god forbid I expect people to do their jobs thoroughly or with at least a singular thought..#anyway. I feel like I'm allowed to be grumpy abt this since we are the folks who end up having to fix this shit#and by we I mean pretty much mostly me at this point bc one colleague is sick atm. my boss barely has time for this and is on leave#and my other colleague only works half time so I'm the one who's been handling most of these over the past month or so#which.. is still insane considering how I'm a goddamn intern who shouldn't even have admin rights tbh#but without them I couldn't do anything at all lol so here I am. nice that they trust and believe in me I suppose#that's why I try to do my best. (who am I kidding that's always the case anyway)#but yeah. definitely a 50% staff support job and only 50% of the other important things that need doing rn it's more like 90/10#and it's funny how I still dread my two hours of hotline. but every time the line is too busy I still jump in#we are also only 6 people atm out of 10 and three of us are still in training. and one of the trained folks had to come back in mid time of#next week we'll likely be 4#depending on if our substitute boss lady is back.. not that I'd look forward to it. she's a mess and she's been horrible to deal with latel#sure. she's stressed. but she's either snapping at me when I ask abt shit I can't know yet or she's ignoring me. great basis for team work.#so honestly I'd rather she not return on Monday. esp not if she's gonna spread her germs everywhere#but now sleep. sorry for the rant. it's certainly been quite the month since I returned from my own wisdom tooth rated sick leave..#gotta be up again in 6.5 hrs so I can be at work at 6 to let the electrician in. I'm gonna sleep so hard over the weekend I stg#a day in the life of..
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SYD YOU DO NOT GO OUTSIDE TO TWO FIGHTING GANGS WITHOUT BACKUP THE BEEF IS ALREADY SHORT HANDED
oh thank heaven backup thank you tina and gary
i think tina could take on everyone here. she's got scary mom energy, i love it
"now we're all in various states of knowing each other" she really is improv-ing this isn't she. i love you dearly syd please have a plan
gun in the front richie??? if you blow your balls off carmy is never gonna let you live it down and you'll deserve it
the power of sandwiches to solve conflict! XD it's pretty much the only thing they had as leverage, but 1) the Beef really doesn't have the money for free sandwiches for gangsters every week for the rest of forever and 2) oh boy is this gonna send richie off the deep end. he already feels irrelevant b/c of his [redacted] ex-wife and carmy taking over the Beef, and the episode and the one before it has reminded us he's not doing well
"where you gonna go, Richie?" he's still grieving Mikey, and he doesn't have him anymore. lost his best friend, his wife, thinks he's losing his kid, losing the restaurant, losing the institutions he's so familiar with? things are not going well for richie and it's gonna come to a head
carmy offering an apology to syd here is technically unneeded, but very sweet, and he asks if she's okay just like sugar wanted him to ask her! they're very not subtle with that -- he learns a lesson, he applies it to his relationship with sydney, rinse, repeat. who carmy's deepest relationship with at this point is probably a mix of richie and sugar, but the relationship he puts the most effort into by far is his relationship with sydney. inchresting.
aaaaaand richie called the cops. really, really hoping there aren't consequences for that and it's just illustrating how disconnected he is, because The Beef cannot handle more repair bills, truly
#the bear#liveblogging#it's well into the am gotta shower and sleep but tomorrow should be the last two episodes of s1 and i'm terrified and excited#by my count chekov's guns that have yet to be fired: the risotto and ribs syd gave to the customer; the debate over the to-go system#marcus' lack of focus slash time spent on his doughnuts; richie feeling abandoned; mikey's debt; marcus and copenhagen#mikey and mrs berzatto's impact on the family slash family trauma; carmy's reoccuring fire incidents#i think that's it as far as i can tell? maybe a health scare with syd's dad he has all those pill bottles#oh and unfortunately the tension between sydney and carmy right now with her impatience#i have a feeling that's gonna bite in the finale#i don't know if all of these will fire before the end of the season -- some i doubt like copenhagen and family trauma#but some are definitely gonna go off
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why do i finally feel like living at 7:50pm on a work night
#i'm blaming the alcohol i swore i wasn't gonna drink#fuck! i think i got a problem#i spent most of this day just like miserably tired and exhausted and mildly upset at one point#but now here i am loving life and wanting to just like. do everything#but if i want to try to get a good nights sleep i gotta go to bed in like two hours#less than#i don't know what to do with myself#and yeah i tried to write this all in an actual diary lol but i don't want my alan wake journal to get sullied with my personal problems#more than it has already#i also do NOT want to go to work tomorrow#or ever again really
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im ngl i had a lil breakdown before my shower (which i took just before i went to bed to chill and watch the new eps) abt some thought-id-already-worked-all-thru-it irl stuff that resurfaced on me like trauma tends to and i just
it made everything in the show so. I don't know how to say it right. but i feel seen and understood and emotionally overwhelmed in a safe yet weird way, just like i did with a lot of s1 and I am Feeling So Much akdnfkgb (i cannot stress enough that this is a Good Thing and I'm absolutely thrilled and happy with the new eps and like. Going to be fine mentally I just gotta wrangle this like i have the times before.)
#text post#god i need a therapist that specialises in PTSD when i can afford therapy again#in the meantime recognition of the self thru the admired other while im in this state weirdly helps#makes me feel like im gonna burst out of my skin and I'm blasting metal in my ear buds to deal with that for now#gonna sleep eventually#i think lmao#im fine honestly bc like. this is not my first breakdown by any means but just. the fucking timing could not have been better#that said i both need a hug and absolutely could not handle being touched rn so that's something#no one's gonna read this far so im gonna just let myself have one little extra messy vent in that#my stupid fucking dad triggered part of this last one and I'm so mad abt it#he doesn't give two fucks abt me now (but he'd pretend to if he saw me in person bc jason LOVES keeping up appearances)#and he would just do a little nod and smile and talk over me telling him all that's happened this last year#i moved across the fucking country with help from friends so i wouldn't wind up dead in ND#and that's the thing i keep surviving and I dont understand why when I'm so often stressed and struggling to want to live#that and more has been sitting weighing and i just. want to tell him all of this and for him to be proud of me#he'll never be proud of me the way i want bc even my mum hasn't pulled that off#where they're proud of me as I am with no caveats or hiding parts of myself#if u think this is bad pls know i deleted a maximum tags tag essay/trauma dump just before this on this post lmao#i am In The Soup rn but it's gonna be fine#gonna rewatch s2 eps and be slightly but safely triggered by bits of ed and izzys stuff and get stoned and try to. process feelings#find some ptsd therapy worksheets online like dr. blohm suggested i try#forgive me the long tags and scroll by it fast if u want/need friends ill try to contain my current mess to this post & few others
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Me, blasting Valse di Fantastica and vibing to that 3/4 time signature:
Me:
Me: HOLY SHIT.........DO YOU THINK NOCTIS HAS BALLROOM TRAINING.................
#he strikes me as a “two left feet” kinda guy bUT DO YOU THINK HE HAD TO LEARN.#BC OF LIKE ROYAL BULLSHIT#DO YOU THINK. HE COULD DANCE WITH ONE OF YOUR MUSES.#I'M NORMAL HOLY SHIIIIIIIIT#i told myself i was gonna sleep after updating my interest checker. that was an hour and a half ago.#i am forcing myself to go to bed now GOODNIGHTDKJFHLDKFJG#❛ headcanon: noctis.
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handed in my essay within my extension time 😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎 <- has slept less than 5 hours since waking up on tuesday
#.txt#i swear it to god i'm gonna get some sleep and then start on my next two essays. i swear it will be done#never again will i do this to myself. the horrors. they are too much for me!!#i always forget the pain of not lying down for too long? like any pressure on my upper back hurts now#is that bc of my posture or just bc i'm tired or both... who knows and now who cares. i am going to be horizontal for quite some time :^)#anyway. still feeling haggard!! g_g <- i'm gonna make that a thing. that's legit how i look rn
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🥹
#4 am and it only took me four days to write this scene... >.>#but it's done and now this fic is close to done but the denouement#or... maybe one more chapter and then the denouement#it's late it's not like my brain's working properly anymore but it's nearly done now#and then i can be freeeeee of this that's been plaguing my brain since february :'D#and move on to the next brain plague! which is already starting to push this one aside#and now i'm gonna go use the sleeps and let the two ideas i have for the next brain plague duel it out#and then i guess i'll write whichever one wins the fistfight :'D#well nighty night y'all
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My insomnia is killing me. Why can't I just be tired when it's time for bed?
#Am I gonna have to start doing real shit like not using my pc and phone two hours before bed because I don't think that would help either#I've had insomnia basically my entire life. I have memories before I started school where I'd stay up all night with my dad#But I still woke up early in the morning#I think when I was around 6 or 7 I stayed up 5 days straight. I've never gone that long without sleep since but man that's insane#Probably why I'm so stupid now#my posts
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hmmm made a big money decision i'm not sure about. but i clicked and paid, so there we go !
#3615 my life#not sure about because i always feel guilty when i buy some kind of things#when they're over a certain price mark#like it's not worth it or else#here the price is good actually ! good sale ! but i'm not sure about if i will like it or not#it's more like... an investissment#i am interested in parts of it but not everything i like#and generally when i'm not 100% gung ho about something i will Always Doubt i made The Right Choice#it helps when i think of gamers and all the money that can be put in this hobby#with the consoles and games and stuff#it's not the same repartition but it make me go 'hey it's ok to spend money. it will help you go to the road that sparks joy'#and if it doesn't well you'll know ! and you'll find a way to resell or something#i'm also a little bit reassured by the fact that i can keep things for yeaaarss and not touch them#and then i finally use them and it's cool#not for everything but hey#i was regretting my choice even before i clicked on validating the buying#but i still went ahead because i've not bought two others things because Reason and i was appealed by the 20% sale#and so it is done ! it is done. we will ride the things that will come as it comes. i will find ways to find joy !#now i'm gonna eat my rice and go the fuck to sleep
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.
#i've been in a manic state for over a month#haven't slept in my own bed for 30 days#was barely eating/sleeping the first half and now i'm eating/sleeping too much#i was even off twitter for two weeks which is so hilariously unlike me#said i was taking a gif hiatus because my brain was so unhealthy#then turned around and started making/posting MASS amounts of gifsets (published and drafted) for very little payoff#like. More often than i usually do to the point where i feel like it's overwhelming or annoying or looks desperate but hey maybe i am#for the serotonin#except nobody reblogs shit which. Well you know how that goes#it is what it is but it's also making me feel so so so low#but i can't stop either because it's the only thing keeping my brain off of everything#i also recorded that voiceover video of my gif process but i don't think i'm gonna post it because i hate my voice and my overall Being rn#and publishing something like that would be inviting literally anyone to have a negative thought or opinion of my voice or my personality#which is a big No Thank You atm#even tho i have nice followers i also have total dickwads waiting to jump me lately for the stupidest shit lol#so the timing is just bad bc everything else is bad my mental health is bad my self esteem is bad#my gifs and the engagement on them is pretty bad without me reblogging them 50 times myself but we ball#it's all just!!!! it all feels Bad i just want to feel sane lol
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