#i'm going through some stressful stuff and it's helping my mental health to be back in this beloved game

[mysterious-dark-shadow]

I sometimes re-read posts from "The Before Times": from before the Sewage Flood of '22, before we discovered the Slow Methane Leak that had been gassing the house for YEARS, before Felix was officially diagnosed with HOLE IN THE BRAIN.

This specific post was during a time when we were desperately trying to figure out why things were getting better in some ways and so much worse in others. Felix especially was dealing with mental and physical issues that should have gotten better after he quit his super stressful job.

The information we have now doesn't invalidate the conclusions Felix came to in the original post: his hormones were all over the place & his diet needed changing. And responding to those issues helped eliminate some symptoms that were specifically related to those problems. The changes helped him have a clearer head a year later when I ended up going crazy* from methane overexposure.

The fact that we had been working with doctors for several years actually helped us out a lot when it came to Felix's migraines. When we finally got to a neurologist, he could see that we weren't chasing painkillers. He ordered the MRI for Felix's head that we had been trying to get for soo long. And fought insurance to give us the prescription that actually made a difference in the severity of the migraines Felix suffers from.

And today we have a much better handle on our physical and mental health. We learned how to talk to each other about what's going on in our heads. We learned so much about how to help each other physically. We know what it looks like when one/both of us are suffering from methane exposure, and how to get the gas out of our living environment, so we can actually unpack boxes of stuff that we haven't touched since early 2022.

We are literally getting our past back. There are art projects that Felix was in the middle of that were boxed up alongside the reference books that were sitting on the same table. Trinkets and keepsakes that were on the shelves of bookcases and cabinets from our adventures, separately & together, are finding new spaces in our apartment. Our dried boutonnieres from our wedding day were briefly on display and then quickly put in a cabinet because our cats are rose-eating monsters.

Sometimes I wish I could reach back in time to 2020-2021 us, but I don't know what I'd say. What we went through in 2022 was horrific. We are still picking up the pieces. What kind of warning could prepare past-us for what was to come?

And then I remember a strange encounter we had early in 2021. We were in the beginning stages of our channeling experiments. I was the channeler for a specific entity that had previously given us advice that had turned out to be prophetic, so Felix at some point asked them, "What is the most important thing we should know for our future?" The entity made a painful grimace that made my face ache for a few hours afterwards, then said, "Keep going. No matter what happens, just... Keep. Going." They refused to elaborate, and Felix dismissed the entity soon afterwards. We were puzzled by the cryptic nature of the message and the swirling mass of negative emotions - anguish, fear, anger, regret - that my body felt at the moment the entity grimaced. But we followed the advice, reminding each other that we should "keep going" when times were difficult and situations seemed impossible to overcome.

I now realize that I don't have to reach back in time to warn anyone. Someone else already did. And now I pass on that advice to you in hopes that it helps you as it has helped us so many times:

Keep going. No matter what happens, just... Keep. Going. _____________

*I'm not using that phrase lightly. I completely lost touch with reality and ended up in a hospital psych ward for 12 hours. The hospital didn't handle me well (symptoms hand-waved as "THC overdose" with no tests confirming that diagnosis...), but the event did shock me back into reconnecting with reality again.

Having Mental Illness

It’s hard to talk about my experience with mental illness sometimes because I’m not diagnosed by a professional for “everything I have.” For instance, in my household we all know that I have depression and anxiety, but it’s not really nailed down on my medical chart whether I have Generalized Anxiety or Major Depression. I’ve talked to my doctor about my anxiety, my “moods” as it is usually termed in the doctor’s office, and had my spouse at my side during the discussions, and been prescribed Zoloft for my symptoms even, and the takeaway has been:

My doctor doesn’t want to diagnose me with a mental illness, because no one wants to figure out what the insurance will do. Or what the protocols for it are. Or what the exact diagnosis should be. My therapist had further insight there: finding someone who can make the right diagnosis for me is one thing. But there could be several different diagnoses for what I could have, depending on what treatment plan they wanted to bill for, or what my insurance covers, WHICH CAN CHANGE.

And all this time, we’re just trying to live this and figure out how to do right by me and the body and brain I have.

It’s why I keep thinking I need to explain myself here. There’s no catch-all term for whatever it is that I have. There’s a lot of medical interactions between my hormones, my mood, my sleep cycle, and my information processing ability. Sometimes at 2AM I decide it’s time to read a paranormal encyclopedia, and that’s just because my body is not going to be good at doing anything else at that time, because that’s what the chemicals in my body say to do.

So, I mentioned my hormones–one reason I’ve been quiet is because I don’t want people to think that transitioning will cause you harm or that transitioning people are “crazy.” But I’ve had some severe mental health effects from my hormones being way off-balance at times, and I’m finally able to talk about it. One reason I’m able to talk about it again? I’m finally GETTING my hormones.

Last year when I switched to topical rub-on testosterone instead of intramuscular injection, it was because I was unable to do the shots anymore. My needle fears ramped up and I had to switch over. Well, turns out the absorption was never working right for me because I was getting allergy injections in the same area as I was rubbing the cream on, and apparently the testosterone got into my bloodstream instead of the lymph system, and made my levels seem incorrect? Gods it was nuts. Anyway my insurance cancelled rub-on hormones on January 1 with no warning anyway, so it’s a good thing I was planning to switch to subcutaneous injection. Which I did yesterday after being without my rub-on hormones for 3 days.

My body feels like a submarine that goes up to get air and down to dive below at times completely dependent on my hormone levels and nothing else, and my hormone levels basically all last year were bonkers. It destroyed my sense of time right as I and everyone else were all locked in our homes. My stress has ramped with the news cycles, making me unable to sleep some nights until my body finally exits hypervigilance.

There’s not a cure for this, or any single diagnosis, or a treatment other than to take care of myself and keep going.

I’ll keep going.

I want to open up more about my mental illness experience, and what it does and how I get through it, but I’m going to warn you that my mental illness doesn’t follow the discourse. It fucks the discourse. I’m a person who has decided to stop driving because I don’t like how I might react to the unexpected behind the wheel, and I still vote, I make big financial decisions, heck I make winning investment picks. Sometimes I can’t walk out my front door, and it’s not for any logical reason, and I even know logically with my brain at the time that nothing bad will happen if I go outside. Still, sometimes I can’t walk out my front door, and in those times I realize that I don’t actually have to. Because last year we as a household realized that I could no longer do the things I’d done all the previous years before, that something in my mind and body had drawn a line and said I couldn’t go ignore those boundaries anymore.

I can’t watch TV like a “normal person.” Ads really mess with me and so I often avoid commercial television, for instance. But I also have trouble sitting down and absorbing something on a screen, I’ll often have to walk around, or I’ll need to watch the show out of order, or see it “filtered” through commentary or memes, because that’s how my brain decided I was processing that day. But the conversation I have with my spouse about the subject at the end of the day is still rich and fulfilling, because I’m still having an experience of the subject, be it a show or a video game or a news event. I just take it in in a very particular way, and sometimes that way changes depending on my mood and a bunch of other factors.

Heck, my diet changes how much I can focus and think. We’re still figuring out what does what. There’s a lot of rabbit holes to chase down. At some point we discuss what’s worth putting up with versus what actually needs treatment, because when things aren’t very clear-cut you need to prioritize. Also, having a lot of different medical issues at once means that you sometimes get overwhelmed and don’t know what order to address it all in.

I communicate in GIF and youtube format on here sometimes because I don’t really have a way to articulate the feeling or thought I have other than to show something that seems to encompass it all in an abstract or more psyche-oriented way. I really enjoy being able to do that here, and to get out the things I really want to express in an environment where people let me experiment with communication. Thanks to all of you for that. Except the bots. You’re not sentient, and that’s kind of weird.

Oh yeah. Mental illness and its interaction with hormones. Are completely ruining my ability to plan things and have been for like half a year now. So thank. For your pati. Ence.

[only-by-the-stars]

more little NL vs NH thoughts because I can't stop playing NL again and apparently can't shut up about it (it is so important to me okay?)

-villager dialogue is just so much better in NL. I've heard people complain about the villagers not being mean anymore in that game like in older ones, and I have little opinion on that, but whew can I ever see the downgrade between NL and NH. the regular dialogue is so bland, and there's fewer options for when they have something to ask you for. in NH, it's:

wanna come over/can I visit your house RIGHT NOW? I had a fight with [other villager], can you deliver this gift? I'm trying to sell stuff, will you buy this from me?/here's a random item (this always happens when I'm digging up clams and need empty pockets...) can you catch this bug/fish for me? (very rarely) want to play a treasure hunt game?

whereas with NL it's:

wanna come over/can I visit your house RIGHT NOW? wanna come over/can I visit your house later? can you take this gift to [other villager]? I'm trying to sell stuff, will you buy this/can I trade you for item in your pockets? can you catch this bug/fish for me? wanna play hide and seek? can you bury/dig up this time capsule for me? can you bring me a piece of fruit? I need to speak to [other villager] but can't leave my house, can you bring them here?

I'm probably forgetting something, but you can see the disparity anyway. regular dialogue was generally more interesting too. I also like that you had to bring a sick animal medicine for *three* days instead of just one, it felt like nursing a sick friend back to health instead of one and done and was more rewarding.

-speaking of more rewarding... SHOP UPGRADES, MY BELOVED <333 my file has T&T Emporium, and it is SO NICE, OMG. ;w; I loved the process of working towards the shop upgrades and seeing it become gradually bigger and with a better item selection. ALSO I MISS YOU, GRACIE. </3 the fact that NH has the nerve to try and sell me ridiculously expensive furniture without the GracieGrace brand attached, smh.

-it was the Bug Off today! if I'd realized, I would've prepared last night, but oh well. I still got to get a couple cute furniture pieces and I think I'll place first, so that was fun.

-doing item customization yourself is more convenient (because you can see what things will look like without using a guide) and faster, but... I actually still like using Cyrus? I know he's at the co-op on Harv's island if you shell out enough cash, but that's so expensive and his prices have gone up. customization kits aren't cheap either! in NL you paid less, and had to wait a half hour for an individual item to be ready, but I like that. I like going a bit slower. NL in general is slower and so much more relaxed and relaxing, I like walking at a normal pace and getting to soak in the atmosphere and music.

-as much as I appreciate getting to hear Blathers blather about the donated stuff, I also like the convenience of getting to look at the info in the museum itself without having to bring him another one. it's part of what makes going to the museum soothing, despite that there's no wow factor in the design of the exhibits.

-Main Street in general is just so nice to have, and it makes the actual town feel bigger. I do like being able to decorate outside, but... at the same time I like the simpler feel here and the PWPs that we had. and remodeling town hall and the train station was so neat!!! why can't we do that in NH???

-GOD I MISS THE LEGEND OF ZELDA ITEMS AND VILLAGERS SO MUCH.

-the music. again, the music. NL remains one of my favorite video game soundtracks ever. when it hit 7 PM last night and The Song started playing... oh man... ;w; will we ever have that level of music quality again?

-cannot stress enough how much I miss Tortimer Island. the minigames! the easy access to summer bugs and fishing! AAAAAHHHH

-I... forgot what the Aquarius Urn looked like in this game and now I'm annoyed all over again at the blandification of the Zodiac series in NH. IT WAS BLUE AND FILLED WITH WATER. I COULD'VE. IT WOULD'VE LOOKED SO GOOD AS PART OF MY ZORA-THEMED AREAS. AAARGH!!!

-odd little discrepancy, but why is it when you talk to Gulliver to try and wake him up in NH you have to put away any tool you're carrying, but not so in NL? weird.

-I like the hyacinths and windflowers, but I also miss the violets and carnations. the purple roses were also a LOT prettier in NL.

-also, for all that NH offers more freedom in some aspects, it really took a big step backwards in house customization??? you can't even GET a different exterior until you have ALL the rooms, and you have NO CONTROL over the room size??? and the exterior options are all SO BLAND. you could be way more creative and aesthetic in NL by choosing which rooms to have, how big they were, and you had way more and more interesting exterior options.

-sure were more events and generally things to do in NL. :< the only part of winter I liked was playing snowman bingo and trying to make the different snow people for various rewards! and they took THAT away too! there was more charm, too, I loved the coziness of the "small forested village" that I got in NL, and I prefer taking the train to flying everywhere, and the post office was so cool, and I liked the reliability of taking Dr. Shrunk fruit to learn new reactions. I really hope the next game is a return to form and not more of the same problems that still plague NH...

[neverendingford]

.

[jasperxkuromi]

Regressors that are (bodily) older, please interact!

Later 20s, 30s, maybe even older? I would love to hear from you and maybe even your stories if you don't mind sharing!

I want to meet more people like me and also show others that age regression doesn't just suddenly "stop" at a certain age

Some of us:

Didn't discover regressing/didn't understand their involuntary regression until they were older

Wasn't in a safe space mentally and/or physically to be able to regress the way we want to

Didnt "grow out" of regressing. I think a lot of people outside the community assume we will all grow out of wanting to regress at some point. Maybe some of us will, but some of us won't. Regressing can be a safe and healthy coping mechanism, no matter your bodily age!

And probably many other reasons I can't think of at the moment lol

I would love to get to talk to older regressors, or if there are any groups/discords, I would like to know those too :3

I'm gonna talk about my story a little under the cut, but I don't exactly recommend reading it if you are little right now! I am going to be talking about s3xualization of agere and children's media unfortunately.

I started age dreamer/involuntarily regressing when I was in high school without really knowing what it was. I was really into MLP FiM during its height popularity. I watched the show, collected and played with the toys, did coloring books, took my MLP blanket to school ever day. You get the idea.

I discovered regression here in Tumblr, but this was yeeeeaaars ago, like back when nsfw was still allowed. The line between ddlg and agere wasn't as solid as it is now. Or maybe it was just because I was a kid and couldn't understand better? Either way ... i ended up getting wrong ideas of what agere had to be and ended up scaring myself off. I also had adult roleplayers leaving really inappropriate comments on my posts that made me feel icky. I thought agere had to be s3xual and scared myself off.

We also unfortunately probably know the uhhh .. types of fan art that was popular of MLP. And it just ended up making me lose interest in the series. The stuff was everywhere and it was hard to avoid even if you were vigilant.

I never got a real chance to understand what healthy, voluntary regression was. I still was an age dreamer, but most times when I involuntarily regress it is out of extreme stress and it isn't fun or pretty.

I had a lot of bad things that happened to me last year and in turn I am having more health issues. Chronic conditions I already had getting worse, and new ones popping up. My mom (the one who birthed me) has been helping me a bit, but it has still been a lot of playing adult. Making phone calls back and forth, filling out paperwork, figuring out disability leave, paying bills, etc etc. I started age dreaming more and more often to cope with the stress. Like I randomly one day bought a DVD player and sets of Winnie the Pooh and Scooby Doo DVDs lmfao.

I also never stopped collecting stuffed animals and came back to collecting dolls again last year. It helps that I have friends IRL who I don't think are regressors, but still enjoy collecting with me. (my friends don't know yet, but I think they would be accepting if I told them, or they might already assume I regress tbh)

I have kinda had age regression on the back of my mind for several months, but was scared to look back into it. I was scared of going through the same thing I did back in high school. But also denying I am a regressor and that I still need to heal my childhood wounds was getting heavier and heavier on me. I am sooooo thankful I finally felt safe to begin exploring regression again ♥️😁

Side note: while I absolutely don't care if people do ddlg and similar stuff as a kink/fetish, I am thankful that the distinction between that and agere is more distinct now. It is important we protect minors and other vulnerable people from having the same sorts of things that happened to me (or worse) from happening to them.

[im-so-normal-iswear]

Hi!! I love your writing!! Would it be possible for your thoughts on Ford/stan with a girlfriend who is a therapist or psychiatrist? (I’m studying psychology so this is a totally self indulgent ask!) thank you!! 🫶🏼

A/n: Ok! I'm sorry these took long

Stan/Ford pines x therapist!reader

Ford Pines:

Ford is instantly intrigued by your profession. He’s always been interested in how the human brain works, and having a girlfriend who understands the mind on such a deep level excites his curiosity.

He loves asking you questions about psychology, sometimes treating your discussions like he’s learning from a textbook.

“So, if someone were to experience prolonged exposure to isolation, how do you think that would affect their psyche?”

Ford absolutely loves to hear your insights on everything from mental health to obscure psychological theories, often adding his own knowledge of psychology.

Ford greatly values your calming presence. As someone who has gone through trauma from his interdimensional travels, Ford finds comfort in how you can guide him through his anxieties and ground him during his moments of overthinking. It’s not that he’s asking for therapy, but the way you talk and listen to him brings him a lot of peace.

Sometimes Ford gets lost in his head, overanalyzing everything or diving too deep into his research, and you’re the one who pulls him back. You know just how to approach his worries without invalidating them, and he’s beyond grateful for that.

“You always know exactly what to say to bring me back to reality. How do you do it?”

He’s particularly interested in your take on the psychological impact of interdimensional travel or exposure to anomalous phenomena.

He’ll often turn to you for discussions about the mind’s adaptability and resilience. You’ve become his go-to person for talking about the human condition in the context of the strange.

Ford is also incredibly supportive of your career and education. If you’re studying or need quiet time to work, he’ll make sure you have the perfect environment to focus. He’s always ready to offer encouragement when you’re feeling stressed.

“I know it’s a lot, but if anyone can do this, it’s you. I’ve never seen someone so dedicated to understanding the complexities of the mind.”

Ford loves sharing intellectual moments with you, like reading papers or discussing recent psychological studies. Sometimes, he even helps you with your work by giving you unique perspectives from his travels, and in turn, you help him manage the more stressful parts of his past.

Stan Pines:

Stan doesn’t fully get what a therapist or psychiatrist does at first (he’s used to handling things by “toughing it out”) but he quickly comes to appreciate how insightful you are.

“So, you talk to people about their problems? Gotta hand it to ya, you’ve got a lot of patience. I can barely deal with the customers.”

Stan is amazed at how you can listen to other people’s issues all day and still come home well. He’s constantly in awe of how much you care for others and how you help people through their darkest moments.

“You’ve gotta be some kinda saint to listen to people’s problems all day and not go crazy yourself.”

He loves that you don’t push him to talk, but when he does, you listen attentively. You’ve taught him that it’s okay to share his feelings without making him feel weak. Sometimes he’s caught off guard by how much better he feels after talking to you.

“Huh, I guess it’s not so bad… all this feelings stuff. You really know how to make a guy feel better.”

Stan appreciates your ability to see through his tough-guy act. You can read him like a book, and while it’s a little intimidating, it’s also a relief. You pick up on the small things, like when he’s more stressed than usual or when something’s bothering him.

“How do you always know what’s goin’ on in my head? It’s like you’re a mind reader or somethin’. Say how bout we put that to use in the shack? I'm joking, unless you want to.”

He loves to brag about your career, even if he doesn’t always understand it.

“Yeah, my girl’s a therapist. Helps people sort out their problems. She’s smart as hell. I dunno how she does it, but it’s pretty impressive.”

If you’re ever feeling overwhelmed by your work, Stan is the first to encourage you to take a break. He might not know all the details of your job, but he knows how important it is for you to recharge. He’ll pull you away from your books or laptop and suggest watching a movie or doing something fun together.

“You’ve been workin’ hard all day. Come on, let’s kick back and relax. You deserve it.”

He’s a little protective of you, especially if you’ve had a rough day. If you come home stressed after dealing with a difficult client, Stan will be there to comfort you in his own way, whether that’s making you laugh, cooking a simple meal, or just sitting beside you.

Stan will occasionally ask for advice, though he’ll frame it casually. “So, let’s say someone I know has a lotta stuff from their past they don’t like talkin’ about. What’d you say to help ‘em out?” He trusts you more than he’ll admit and values your wisdom, even if he’s not always ready to face his own feelings head-on.

A/n: you give them therapy they need, the end ^^

[haveateadude]

bleak horizons iii.

summary *. ⋆ ⋆·˚ opening up it's not easy, isn't it?

warnings *. ⋆ ⋆·˚ depression, self-harm mention, and disordered eating (not explicitly mentioned but you can clearly see it's there)

author notes *. ⋆ ⋆·˚ helloooo welcome to part 3!!!!!! i think this might be the last part (if u have an idea on how this can continue feel free to tell me. u can send a request or just leave the idea in the comments). also just saying, this stuff is based on MY issues and experiences with mental health, so this might not be truthful to everyone. my insta is @/starsfinder_ if anyone wants to vent or just talk :))

remember you're not alone if you're going through a shitty moment, trust me!! ik everyone says to ask for help, and even if that's soo fucking true i know some people are not listened (even if that's literally a fucking RIGHT). so, as i said, you can dm me <33 take care of yourselves pleaseee. can't stress enough how much i want y'all to know you're not alone. hi. hello. i care!!!!!!!! and i'm here!!!!!! so please listen to me when i say everything's going to be alright :)) i love youuuuuu

also, sorry for any mistakes. i'm sooo tired rn lmao

pt1 — pt2 — pt3

I told you a lie, désolé, mon amour

I'm trying my best, don't know what's in store

The next week, I stepped out of therapy crying. I got into the car, slamming the door.

“Hey,” Ellie says softly, looking at me with her hands resting on the wheel, her gaze full of worry. “You okay?”

“Drive.”

“But—”

“Just drive.”

“Okay.”

Ellie starts driving. I wipe my tears, feeling overwhelmed. My mother had called yesterday and made me feel like shit. I wasn't doing my best at school. Ellie and I hadn't gone out since Christmas. So basically, everything was shit. I've also had urges to relapse, and they're just not going away.

I cry. Ellie drives. This is okay. It's okay. Except that it's not, and I haven't told my therapist anything about myself yet. My mother hasn't spoken to me in weeks, and my father sent a cat video on WhatsApp this morning. And Ellie’s knuckles are turning white from how hard she’s gripping the wheel, which makes my heart ache because I know she cares. It makes me want to tell her everything, but the words are stuck in my throat, and I can't seem to get them out.

We arrive at the apartment a couple of minutes later. Ellie doesn’t immediately open the doors, and I've calmed down enough to answer when she asks, “Baby? Are you feeling okay?”

I nod, looking away. The people that I see walking around look sad.

“I’m fine.”

“It’s okay if you’re not, though,” she says. I stay quiet, doubting it. Ellie nudges me with her elbow, looking for an answer. “Hey.”

“Yeah,” I say. “I know.”

Ellie pats me on the thigh before getting out of the car. I get out, too. I don't bother eating dinner that night; I just go straight to bed and fall asleep.

The next few days felt monotonous. I've fallen back into my sadness, the type that isn't bitter but sweet. It doesn't make me want to relapse. It makes me want to stay in bed more hours than I'd like, takes my appetite away, and leaves me feeling nothing but numbness.

I wake up, go to work, study, attend uni, come home, and sleep. The cycle repeats and repeats, and I'm so, so very tired.

Today, I took the day off. I knew I was too tired to do anything, so I planned to rot in bed. Ellie knocks on the door, but I don't answer. I hear the door creak open and the light from the living room creeping in.

"Hey," Ellie says, her voice coming from behind me. "Mind if I lay next to you?"

"It's fine," I say with a hoarse voice. I feel the bed sink at my side, and then Ellie is behind me, wrapping her arm around my torso and nuzzling her face into my neck, leaving a kiss right there. I feel cozy and comfortable. I don't know if this will last. I hope it does because it's a feeling I've never experienced before—someone comforting me? That has never happened.

"Do you want to talk about what's going on?" she asks. I stay quiet. "I care about you. I'm worried."

I do want to talk about it, but at the same time, I don't.

"I'm fine."

"You always say that… You haven't gotten out of bed since you came from work, and the frozen lasagna you were going to make for yourself last weekend has been in the fridge since then." She stays quiet for a second, her fingertips caressing my arm. "You're not doing fine, baby."

Millions of thoughts go through my head. Thoughts I don't say. I don't want her to leave; I don't want her to see how I feel.

"I'm trying, though." It's easy to say since Ellie isn't looking at my face directly. Tears threaten to spill from my eyes. I blink them away; I blink, blink, and blink again. Fast.

Ellie stays quiet, her breath tickling my neck. She kisses the back of my head again, her hand holding mine. I hold it to my chest. "I know. But you don't have to be alone in this."

That hits me like a truck. I wasn't expecting to be held by her, let alone her saying I don't have to be alone. A tear falls from my eye, landing on the pillow. I sniff, and Ellie holds me tighter, not saying anything. She tucks a strand of hair behind my ear with her free hand and kisses my temple.

"I'm sorry," I say, in a moment of pathetic weakness. She hugs me even closer.

"Hey, no. Don't apologize. C'mon, turn around."

I let go of her hand, turning around. Her left hand cups my face and she kisses my cheek, then my forehead, and then she kisses the tears that fall on my cheeks. When she pulls away, she gives me a small smile, "You're going to be okay."

She doesn't want you. She's your friend; she doesn't want you. She will fall in love with you, not your brain nor your scars, and when she finds out about the way you think, she'll leave.

I wake up on Ellie's chest, it feels good to be comforted, I've found. Her phone is on the nightstand, so I just reach it and look at the time. It's eight o'clock. I've fallen asleep for two hours. I try to make myself more comfortable on her chest, attempting not to wake her, but my movements fail and she stirs.

"Hey," she says, her voice still laced with sleep. "What time is it?"

"It's still night," I say, closing my eyes. "We slept for two hours.'

"Feeling better?" I feel comfortable enough to shake my head. "Do you want to talk about it? I told you, I'm worried. And don't bullshit me with the whole 'I'm fine' shit, yeah?"

I stay quiet as her thumb caresses my back, "Did I tell you why I'm going to therapy?" Ellie shakes her head. "Well—back home I had some… issues. Mental health stuff related. I kept going back to depressive episodes. And one day I just asked for help from my mom, because I—I just couldn't stop self harming."

"Baby," Ellie says, hugging me tighter and kissing the top of my head. "What happened? Did your mother react well?"

"Yeah. Surprisingly. I got help. Got better. Sometimes it comes back, and I still get urges sometimes, but I can control it. It isn't as bad as it was before. But lately, it's just—yeah."

"You don't do that anymore, do you?" She asks, worried.

"No," I shake my head. "Not anymore."

"And what about the urges, do you still get them?" I nod, slowly. Ellie plays with my hair. "And therapy? Is it helping?"

"I haven't told her anything, yet. I—I don't know, I can't talk about it."

"What if I go to the next session? If you're okay with that, of course. If you still don't feel comfortable we can look for another therapist or another way to get you help."

I hide my face in her chest when she says the last word. I don't know why I've been refusing to get help. I don't know why I don't like that word. I sigh as Ellie stops playing with my hair and begins rubbing my back.

"I think—I think I would like it if you go with me."

"Okay. Okay, then. I'll go." The room falls to silence again for a few seconds. I feel ashamed for telling her. "I'm sorry you have to go through this… I wish I could do more."

"You're doing more than enough," I assure her. It's my time to hug her tighter. "You’re the first person I’ve talked to about this."

"Yeah?" She seems surprised. "I'm glad you talked to me. I'm here for you if you need anything—I mean it. You just have to tell me, I will listen… You could've told me sooner."

"I'm sorry."

"Hey, don't apologize. I’m just saying, I'm here for you. I've been there for you, always. And… is there something I can do to help?"

"Just be there," I say. "That's enough."

"Mhm, I'll stay."

I think she wants you, a little voice in my head says. I think she loves you, and I don't think she'll ever leave.

Maybe I'll be okay, after all.

[ixiot-ghostrebel]

Sagau touched starved reader but you know got trauma so not comfortable with being touched. Like staring like a cat for affection but terrified of being hugged back or things like that

You got it, Anon! Though, I will warn you a little: I'm not going to go too deep into detail with the trauma stuff. It'll be very brief.

Touch Starved! Reader Wanting Hugs From Zhongli, Diluc, and Al-Haitham...With A Twist.

Zhongli

The moment he realizes that you are touched-starved, this old man isn't exactly sure what to do. After all, you got some extreme PTSD going on after the whole "imposter-creator" fiasco.

He does try to approach it as a topic, but since you're weary of (quite literally) everyone and find suspicion in every action, you kind of catch on to his intentions. And Zhongli notices this, but he's still going to take it slow.

"I assure you, Your Grace, I will not push your boundaries lest you are uncomfortable." He's sincere and means every word. To him, this is like signing a contract. He's the God of Contracts, so this is especially important to him. What he says is solid as stone—his dedication to prove that is clear as day.

This man is also very keen—he sees how you look like a touch-starved cat when you want affection, but are too scared to approach and ask. It kind of breaks him, but he doesn't show it because he wants to prove that he's not helping out of pity, but understanding.

In the end, Zhongli will probably be able to be near you, and get in a few (with consent) head peats that you are very well aware of. It's going to take time for you to warm up to him before this guy gets to hug you.

Diluc

This guy probably understands your intense cat-staring the most. He sometimes feels like that after his father passed. He's very unsure and awkward of what to do, if I'm being honest.

After a little while, of course, Diluc feels like he should place the offer out. He feels too awkward and guilty for just noticing you like this and not doing anything about it.

"Your Grace...I hope I'm not crossing any boundaries, but please know that I am willing to offer you any assistance you need." It's only later does he realize you wanted hugs and were too scared to ask for it.

Yeah...he's not exactly that open with his emotions either, so it will definitely be awkward, but he is willing to give it a few tries. Diluc will also be the first to pull back and apologize if he realizes you are in any discomfort.

To say it took a while is only putting it in the simplest form.

Alhaitham

Oho...if you though Diluc was awkward, consider this man. He's more "thinking machine that feels" than like his roommate ("feeling machine that thinks"), so he definitely does not understand the "social cue" that is your cat-stare.

He has done research (aka read books way back in the days and remembered the contents) and understands the mental turmoil you've gone through, so he has gone through the steps of trying to get out of your way, and also try and link you to a therapist. This, of course, kind of fails.

"Your Grace...please get some therapy. It's beneficial for your mental health." Quite literally might drag Tighnari or someone else into this if he can't convince you. This is quite literally out of his expertise.

The entire "I want a hug" cue flies completely over his head, and had it not been for Kaveh (and/or Nahida), he probably wouldn't have realized his mistake.

...Yes, it took what felt like 3 eternities just for him to try and give you affection. Must I say anything else?

Ghost Rebel Side Notes: AND HERE WE ARE! Anon, I am so sorry for taking 30 years to do this, but I have finished it! Boy, I was so tired and stressed these days, but I'm kinda glad I finished this!

For anyone waiting for The Lost Shining God of Celestia Pt. 2, please have some patience—I currently do not have much motivation to work on that series. Instead, feel free to dump requests in my mailbox!

Also—feel free to dump any HSR requests into my mailbox! I want to give them a try :)

✦ Check out The Ghost Rebel’s Blog Description & Info Page to See if Their Mailbox is Open! ✦

[ghostsandfools]

The psychology behind Lumini

Would Lunar and Gemini be a healthy couple? I don't fucking know, I've never read or consumed anything to do with psychology in my life, I have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about here, I genuinely don't know shit about mental health, BUT I'M GONNA TRY ANYWAYS! So if my takes here suck then sorry.

Lunar:

Lunar idolizes Gemini WAY too much. And that's absolutely going to set their relationship back. It's good to admire your romantic partner, but you need to realize they aren't perfect. YOU aren't perfect, so if you view your partner as a perfect person, you're going to end up feeling like you'll never be enough for them.

You have to realize that you and your partner both have flaws, and recognize that you can work through them together as a team. Gemini, despite how much I love them, has flaws. Lunar is going to have to realize that eventually, but I don't think that'll completely get rid of the issue.

Lunar is just a guy. He got thrown into all this star power stuff randomly. and Gemini is his TEACHER. It's okay, because they're both adults so it's not creepy, but even then, you should never EVER be in a relationship with your boss/educator. Gemini's job is to make sure he's progressing steadily with his star power abilities. And since the astrals are so impatient, they kinda have to hurry him along with his learning. Having your partner teaching you something is stressful, because you want to impress them and do well for their sake. It's even worse because for Lunar and Gemini, it's not "I have a hobby i think you'd enjoy, how about I teach you?" For them it's "You NEED to learn this quickly and without struggling or else my brother is going to fucking KILL YOU." Star power is a life or death thing. Lunar having feelings for Gemini is definitely going to make learning harder for him, not because he'll be distracted by them instead of learning. but because Star power is his entire life purpose now and if he doesn't learn how to control it, the consequences could be very grave for him.

On top of that, he doesn't know Gemini very well. Which is fine, people get crushes of course, but they'll need to take things slow with each other if they want to get to know each other better and work through their other issues.

Gemini:

Gemini needs to be more understanding of Lunar's emotions. It's clear that they care for Lunar, but they're very tough on him, and I don't think they understand the mental effects of that.

Gemini feels things differently than any regular earthling. Their feelings are clearly more rooted in logic. They can feel angry and sad and happy, but it's different than how we would. For example, when they rejected Lunar, they gave him a logical explanation as to why they didn't want to pursue a relationship with him, then didn't understand why he was so sad. They thought explaining it logically would help him feel better, but that's not how feelings work. Sometimes people feel sad or happy or scared or angry for no reason, and that's okay. You don't have to justify your feelings or have a logical reason behind them for them to be valid, but I don't think Gemini understands that, and that's okay, but it's something they'll need to work on. Right now, they seem to think Lunar is immature or over emotional, but that's not true. He's been through a lot, and they really need to begin to understand that.

Now. The elephant in the room. When Lunar killed Eclipse, Gemini got pretty mad at him. Which is reasonable, he did kill a guy. I don't really think either of them were in the wrong in that situation though. I've seen some people say Gemini was downright abusive in their reaction, and I've seen some people say that they should've been harder on Lunar, but I wanna see things from both of their points of view. When Lunar saw Eclipse, he was scared. Seeing an abuser again is terrifying, I don't know what I would've done in his shoes. With the way Lunar's mind works, he could've just lost control of himself, he could've regressed from the stress of the situation and not known what to do, and with the way Eclipse was taunting and threatening him, it makes sense that he'd have a violent reaction. It doesn't justify what he did, but it does explain it. Gemini had every right to lash out at him though, because they trusted him and they spent a lot of time training him so he wouldn't do something like that again and he still did. And maybe, for the first time in a while, maybe they couldn't control their emotions either. Maybe they let their anger get the better of them.

Now, I think it actually shows how strong they are, because they were able to recover from what happened. Lunar apologized for what he did, and they've started to rekindle their friendship and build up trust again, and that's good! Because it shows that they can have arguments and still get over it. I've just got one issue with how their arc is going. I wish Gemini apologized too. I know Lunar did kill a man, but they really, REALLY hurt him. I wish they said sorry. But generally speaking, I'm glad that they're becoming friends again.

Another thing about Gemini is their upbringing. They don't talk about the other astrals very much, and I wonder what their life has been like so far. The other astrals seem more like coworkers to them than siblings, and I wonder if anyone other than Lunar has shown them affection before. Did Aries ever play games with them? Did Libra ever comfort them when they were feeling sad? Did Taurus ever show them how to use their powers? Or did they have to learn everything on their own? Sadly, we don't know. But based on how they talk about the other astrals, I'd wager not. And if that's the case, being in a relationship might be a challenge for them. They don't know how to respond to affection, they don't know HOW to be in a relationship. And in all fairness, neither does Lunar. They would be each other's first lovers, which is even more stressful, because neither of them know what the hell they're doing. If they want their relationship to last, they'd have to be perseverant as HELL.

Anyways. I just spent 45 minutes writing that....

Again, I'm not a psychologist! I'm just some random person! I have never studied mental health in my LIFE! Not to mention, I was gaslit A LOT as a kid. I have some pretty sucky parents, so I don't know what a healthy relationship really looks like either! That being said, if I said anything so unbelievably, ungodly incorrect, please correct me! I need to learn more about mental health so maybe then I can ALSO start feeling better.

I have been shipping Lumini since the episode where they went to Paris together, and I was NOT expecting the shows to actually explore the possibility further. I would LOVE for them to get together in canon, because they both need some love and affection. I think it's good that they have these flaws, because they can grow together and progress as characters, and I'm glad they aren't just some cookie cutter automatically healthy no issues whatsoever relationship. I really do hope things end up working out for them.

[kittytamasings]

Seeking help with $300 payment to grandpa by the 15th to keep peace under our roof

TL;DR I'm seeking $300 by the 15th to pay my grandpa so we can appease him and keep him off our backs while mom is away from home recovering from health issues. It's urgently needed so he won't call mom's phone to torture her over the payment. I want to make our burdens a little lighter with your help. More details below.

Life has turned upside down since last month. Mom experienced a mini stroke which led to her hospitalization. She did pull through and is now recovering her physical strength in the skilled nursing facility in preparation to come home, but she's had a host of various issues going on which contributed to her health issues.

She survived, but if she wasn't hospitalized when she was, she would have died that next morning. With much of my adult life being centered on caregiving for mom basically full-time, I've had to adjust my own lifestyle in the meantime which has been quite a challenge.

It's been a very stressful month navigating home life without her here. I'm not sure when exactly she's coming back home, but mom has been making amazing progress.

Meanwhile, poppy continues to be horrible to us. He says rude things, he makes passive aggressive moves at us in the form of leaving profanity-riddled handwritten notes on the door of his wardrobe in his bedroom or being passive aggressive things aren't clean enough to his standards. The usual. He hasn't been any nicer to us even knowing mom has been recovering and he even called up to the hospital to torment her a few times too. Sure, sometimes he'd be decent but there's almost always a catch with him when he's trying to butter people up.

To say I'm mentally drained is an understatement. But right now, while we are still figuring out moving stuff, it's taken a bit of a backseat to Mom's sudden stroke and other health issues. We'll be starting from basically the ground up when she comes home in terms of getting adjusted to home life once more with her back. I'm aiming for the $300 poppy needs for monthly payment stuff by the 15th. This will prevent him from being any worse to us as we try to take things day by day here awaiting mom's return home. I'm just trying to keep some peace under this roof and this is the big way to do that even if he's super critical and rude all the time.

It is a lot to ask for in a matter of four days, but think of it this way: if two people sent along $150, I'd hit my goal fairly quick. Or if three people donated $100. Regardless, any amount helps and gets me much much closer to my goal of being able to pay poppy so he can chill out and not be so awful to us while we're stuck living under his roof a while longer and adjusting to life. Please boost with reposts and such, I'm working really hard on things but I need to lean on others in these hard times. It's urgently needed by the 15th. This will also take stress off mom's shoulders because she's away from home still and poppy WILL call her cell phone to harass her if we don't appease him. You couldn't begin to understand if you don't live in this situation, all I ask for is compassion. Thank you for reading all this. Times have been scary and challenging but I'm trying my best to take them a day at a time.

[idontplaytrack]

hii um idrk how this works (milenial core) anyway I'd like to request a fic w Janis bc she's actually the love of my life. I'm at like a really low point in my mental health so I need some comfort with fictional people. So maybe you could do like reader is just really exhausted and just needs like comfort and Janis isn't good at it but tries her best?! idk I'm just yapping. Also I love your work!💕

✧ Where you lead, I will follow

Janis ‘Imi’ike x fem! reader

Warnings: coarse language, stress, anxiety, low moods, fluff

“All you have to do is call my name, and I'll be there on the next train”

— Where You Lead, Carole King

“Hey, darling. What’s up?” Janis held her phone between her ear and shoulder, busy putting away her paintbrushes and other art supplies after working on a painting for the last two hours.

“Um…” You hesitated, “Nothing, it’s fine.”

Janis heard something in your voice that instantly worried her. “Babe, not nothing. Please, you can talk to me about anything.” Janis fought the urge to sigh, fingertips tapping her thigh anxiously.

“Are— are you at home?”

“Yes.”

“Okay.”

She heard the dial tone. You had hung up. She texts you to ask if you were okay and if you wanted her to pick you up. You didn’t respond. But a couple minutes later, Janis hears a hurried string of knocks on her garage door. She runs over to open it and you entered immediately. “Hey, hey. Breathe. It’s okay.” Janis soothed, placing a tentative hand on your shoulder. “Breathe, in and out, y/n. Please? Can you do that for me?”

Slowly, you began to follow her breathing exercise which gradually helped your breathing even out.

You walked past her and sat on her bed, “Can I stay here tonight, please? I don’t want to be at home because my mom and dad are fighting and they’ve been doing that all week. And I’m just so tired of hearing their yelling, having to mediate their arguments…I’m— I just want one night of peace and quiet so I can actually rest instead of stair at my ceiling hoping neither of them will smash something or yell again.”

She plops down beside you, somewhat looking at the floor. You knew it was hard for her to comfort anyone, but she always tried her best. She always did. Even her presence was enough to comfort you and make you feel at ease.

Janis replied, “You can stay for as long as you want to stay, I love having you here. I’m glad…you feel safe here. That’s what I’m here for, I’m here for you, I’m here to help you, protect you, y/n. Because I love you, babe.”

She held her hand out, it was hovering over your back. Janis wasn’t great with showing affection because she had her own…stuff she was dealing with— thanks to a specific incident in middle school involving the one and only Regina George. Her trouble with showing affection was only one of the results of that whole bullying that took place at the time. When she shared that with you, you were appalled by what the blonde did. Not to mention absolutely furious. A few seconds later, you did feel her palm on your upper back, rubbing soothing circles over an area of it.

“Get some sleep, kay?”

You nodded, crawling upwards to the head of the bed and under the covers, “Thanks.”

“Have you had anything to eat?” She asked, moving up a little to join you.

“No, not hungry.”

“Babe.” She sighs. “You need to eat something, come on.”

Well, you were a little hungry. Lunch was no doubt chaotic. So you abandoned your meal halfway through and just cooped yourself up in your room until you couldn’t take it and came over here to Janis’.

“I’ll go make you something to eat. You just stay here and rest.” Janis patted your knee and got up out of bed.

Like she had told you to, you just laid there and shut your eyes. You managed to get some shut-eye until you felt her shake you awake, gently.

“Here, I made you a sandwich and a camomile tea.” She says, handing you the plate and leaving the mug on her nightstand.

“Thanks.” You told her softly. She’d made you your favourite sandwich. That was nice.

Janis smiles, patting your knee before her hand settled on it, caressing your thigh comfortingly. “Wanna watch some TV while you eat?”

“Okay.” You agreed.

She sat with you while you finished up your food. It was silent apart from the sounds from the TV, but comfortable. You absolutely did not mind it. You put the plate down on the nightstand after eating and just laid down. “Good night, babe.” Janis rubs your back briefly then leaned down to press a kiss to your head.

“I love you.” You told her before you drifted off to sleep.

Seconds later, causing you to be pleasantly surprised, Janis replies, “I love you too.”

🏷️ Tag list:

@ashecampos @auliisflower @cheesysoup-arlo @frogs00 @ludoesartandstuff @pda128

💭A/N:

Thank you so much for the request, hun. Sending you all the good vibes & the biggest hug <3 sorry it was a little short.

[alluringlittledeath]

QUICK PSA

I have found myself the victim of my own hubris, spreading myself a wee bit too thin across my blogs. It's causing me some stress, some insecurity issues, and a little bit of anxiety, and the events of the past week in my country have not helped any.

All of this plus some irl stuff has been making it a struggle for me to write and writing is the one hobby I have aside from gaming that keeps me sane and sober. I need to protect my mental health and sobriety above everything else.

So, I'm gonna be putting a couple of my blogs on low activity/priority in order to keep my sanity and desire to write from fading away. This means I might not be on them for weeks at a time, and my focus on threads will be with mains/plotting/shipping partners. This is kind of becoming true already for these blogs, so this is just an official announcement.

Blogs going on low activity/priority:

@bluebardofhappiness

@bladexandxfiend

If you want to drop things with me on those blogs, that's fine and I totally understand. We can always start things back up when the muses become strong again. Muses fluctuate for me, and right now Tryck and Wyll are just a struggle for me to write.

I've been drawn more and more towards writing the darker/dead dove muses and the darker themed writing is where I feel I'm thriving right now. So as far as BG3 muses go, you'll find me on @alluringlittledeath and @rhapsodyandwoe a lot more frequently.

I also have my DA:TV muses, @ahandfullofrooks, that I really want to get off the ground with more interactions because my hyperfixation is on that game at the moment. They all can easily be thrown into BG3 verses.

This'll likely only be through the next month or two with holidays coming up, but we'll see how things go.

[ambrossart]

I’m so sorry to clog up your notifications, but for some reason, Tumblr is refusing to let me comment 🙄 Think of this as a continuation of my comment from a few minutes ago 🤦‍♀️

About the boxes: right?! I’ve donated/given away/thrown away way too many things for there to still be this much stuff.

By the way, you should be so proud of yourself for going through all this moving with agoraphobia. I’ve only moved once and it’s caused a major strain. Going from Rhode Island to Tennessee is not an easy feat. If it helps to write out what’s going on, please keep us updated! Again, I’m sending soooo much rest your way!

I'm writing this from Tennessee!

Oh my god, that was the most stressful move of my life. My husband accidentally went through a moving broker and we 100% got scammed. They severely underquoted us (a common tactic), so when the movers showed up, the cost was more than double what was quoted. We were backed into a corner. Our options were to pay the extra cost or throw away all of our furniture. Thankfully, my parents loaned us some money, so we got our furniture loaded onto the truck (minus our dining room table, which we had already sacrificed), but now we have no idea when we're getting our furniture delivered—or if we're getting our furniture delivered. I hate moving so much. I wanna cry, but I'm too exhausted.

But my new apartment is gorgeous. Apart from the leaky sink (which should be fixed today) and the lack of furniture, it's incredible. Everything is brand new. There's so much space. The community is up in the hills, so it's got this quiet, woodsy vibe. Once we're settled, I know I'm gonna be really happy here.

And yeah, my mental health has definitely taken a hit with all this moving. My agoraphobia is triggered by major changes in environment. Actually, even minor changes will trigger it. During the drive here, for example, I was having mini panic attacks at every rest stop because I was scared I was gonna get lost on my way to the restroom (I know that sounds silly, but 🤷‍♀️). I have to Google every new place I visit so that I can see pictures of the inside and outside. If I could download a map, I would.

But you wouldn't know I'm struggling if you saw me. I go through great effort to hide it.

My lowest point was in college. My freshman year was fine because I had a roommate and would go out with her, but my sophomore year I was by myself, and I didn't leave my dorm for months, except to go to class (and I barely ever went to class either, but luckily I had very understanding professors who made accommodations for me). I also developed a slight ED during this time. I was too scared to go get food, so I wouldn't eat, except for like a candy bar out of the vending machine or something. I was like a little gremlin. I would come out at night, raid the vending machine, and then scurry back into my room before anyone could see me. That’s really embarrassing to admit, but it’s true. And I was losing weight! I was losing so much weight, and I was happy because I had always struggled with my weight, so… win-win, right? I didn’t have to face the terrifying world and I was finally skinny. What could possibly go wrong?

Well, one night I fainted in the shower, fell hard, slammed my head on the bathroom floor, lost conciousness, came to, saw my RA hovering over me, and finally realized I had a major problem.

Yeah, I was a hot mess in my late teens/early twenties.

I’m still a hot mess, but I’m doing a lot better. 😂

[disdaidal]

I don't think I've ever put this much effort into composing a more 'professional-looking' CV, but here we are.

I'm so glad I got help with this though. I've got my own 'social worker'/personal trainer now. He helped me narrow down some choices today, and what to put in my application/resume, and I'm feeling so much better already.

I'm a typical Finn: I don't know how to fucking compliment myself or 'sell' my talents, so it gave me a lot of stress.

In fact, I was stressing about this meeting all weekend. I had heartburn for two nights, a splitting headache yesterday, and an upset stomach this morning. I kept worrying about how to support myself the next month, too. But I got some advice and tips and consolation today, so when I got back home, I instantly got to work and started filling out some applications etc. etc., so I feel like a heavy weight has been lifted off of my shoulders (for a while now, at least).

This shouldn't stress me too much, though. We're primarily searching me a place to train (ofc actual employment would be grand) and the focus is on my health (both mental and physical). If one place doesn't work out, I can try another place. I have my own assistant, a nurse, a physiotherapist, a doctor and so on, so I should expect to work with professionals here.

I've been depressed as fuck since the beginning of this year after my last school/training went down the drain. I have attention deficit issues, mood swings, memory problems, problems with arranging and envisioning stuff and so on. I'm prone to stress and I have experienced a burn-out more than once.

I also have hypermobility in my joints and again had serious back/hip pains last week which prevented me from doing many things actually, including going to that group therapy course thing. So, you might guess why this isn't exactly ideal in the current work environment and culture, and why I've had problems employing myself successfully, or for longer periods.

I also temporarily moved to another apartment 14km away from my home because the bathroom renovations started in my apartment last week. The moving was undeniably stressful (one of my stepbros helped me, though <3), but living here for a little over a week now hasn't been so bad. My neighbors aren't noisy, and I got a great view of a small lake from where I sit now, so things could be worse.

The only not-so-great-thing is that I'm going to have to go downstairs and share a shower with one of my neighbors who so happens to be a man, but thankfully I haven't even met him yet, so let's hope nothing awkward will happen there (lol).

But my landlord texted me today to ask me 'how are you doing, is everything alright there in your temporary apartment, and oh they said they should be done with renovations about halfway through next month, no water damage fortunately'

So yeah, that's pretty good news, too.

[sailorsenshishitposter]

Until it finds my dreams have disappeared

I've been debating about whether or not to post this for a while. Mostly because I use my tumblr to post dumb stuff or act as a distraction from stress. I'm getting kind of tired with people though. This isn't something exclusive to the Metal Gear franchise (far from it) but it's something I've noticed happening quite frequently. Metal Gear has many characters with horrible backgrounds that suffer from PTSD/CPTSD and many mental health issues. I can't help but notice that there's a trend in the younger crowd (isn't mgs exclusive) that whenever there's a heavily traumatized character (I've only seen it happen with male characters but I assume the opposite does happen) that they considere attractive, they will simp for them and post things unironically.

It's like they see someone who they think is attractive and start actually going "NO I CAN FIX THEM! THEY'RE JUST SAD LITTLE MEOW MEOWS". Like it's fine to make jokes but when you see posts that resemble those weird celebrity fan pages bordering on obsession I think it's time to take a step back. I get some people identify with characters which is fine but they'll completely ignore said characters actions and be like "sure they killed all those people but I'd totally let them cut me up if I had the chance to smash" when the person in question isn't even real. Or there will be a character that's traumatized so badly that they think that if you just cuddle a person like that and baby them then you can fix them. I guess I'm mostly just mad because I feel like usually these are young kids who still have a chance for a good life but they're very ignorant about how people affected by trauma can be.

It's not some cute, quirky thing. It changes your whole world and your beliefs, especially when it starts in childhood. You can technically put this for any character that meets the criteria but personally for me I would have to choose Monsoon from Metal Gear Rising. He grew up with no choice but to kill to survive and witnessed the Cambodian genocide along with working for the mafia and nearly dying from that. I don't really care if someone has a crush on a fictional character, personally that's none of my business. What I'm tired of is seeing frequent posts that range from "uwu my soft cinnamon roll baby" to all the graphic smut on here depicting tortue.

I can't speak for everyone but personally I find it demeaning when being coddled by others. Yes, I went through things but please don't treat me like a child. It feels insulting. I also have no problems with BDSM but I can only take seeing so many posts that basically allude to someone drawing a character about to be raped for their own personal enjoyment. It's especially bad when people make stuff of that for characters who have already been held hostage or enslaved (I'm looking at Vergil x Mundus shippers specifically).

Trauma is not something that you can help someone overcome. It consumes them and becomes your entire world regardless of how it came to be. In fact trauma is often passed down through genes. Though you may not have someone else's memories you will have the same reactions to traumatic situations that those before you did or your body will adapt to that kind of environment. Hypervigilance can be passed down through epigenic changes in DNA.

This is where things get personal for me. Though I've never met them, I know I come down from genocide survivors. I'm either third or fourth generation. I'm not exactly sure what they saw but from what I've read it was common to see various forms of torture. One method was to stick babies in the sand and then trample over their heads with horses... Based on the family I could find and knowing their location, they must have survived the death marches and I'm unsure if they were at the final killing fields or not. That's not even mentioning everything they had being taken away from them and seeing everyone they knew suffer horrible fates. To this day bone fragments will still rise from the ground, the bodies of the dead never having been put properly to rest.

I'm unable to travel there but if I could, I couldn't help but feel like I'm being swallowed by death. Why am I here but so many perished. Then on to my father. I don't know much about him and he passed away when I was a child. All I really know about his background was that he came from a wealthy family. It was common for his friends families to have guards outside their children's bedroom doors. We lived in a western country where it was "safe" (he wasnt originally from where I Iive) but I remember he wouldn't sleep at night and would seem like he was looking for something during the day. Sometimes he just stared like he was waiting for something to happen but nothing ever came. I don't want to say that he was an intentionally cruel person, just that I don't think he had the capabilities to act like a normal human being. I was raised with a mindset of being better than others. That is to say that I wasn't supposed to have weakness. It makes sense looking back. He survived having his body messed up and I was told he survived assisnation attemps (corruption is huge down there so it's not like police could do anything). Nothing was said after so I assumed he killed whoever was after him before they could kill him. Pretty much a kill or be killed mindset.

Growing up I realized he was hard on us not to hurt us but because he thought it would make things easier for us in the future. I know it must have been even worse for him if he thought that this was being kind. Anyway he passed away when I was a child and long story short but for whatever reason my family couldn't get in contact with us so I never received my inheritance but that's for the best. I don't know how well I would have handled it at nine if I knew there was a possibility of being kidnapped or killed for the money or because someone had a grudge against my father.

I guess I always knew I was different but his death really solidified that. I was used to having to be tougher but it seems like my older sister and mother couldn't handle it. They already cried one time when we couldn't see him (which was often) and once the news broke I just remember everyone sobbing and screaming in agony. I didn't feel anything though. I realize now that it was dissociation but no tears would fall and I understood what was happening but it felt like I couldn't emotionally process it. At some point I have no memories up until a certain point. Whenever I have some sort of traumatic situation happen I suffer from dissociative amnesia. I'm not sure for how long, I just know that there are large gaps in my memory.

Right before my memories vanished I can remember not wanting to exist anymore. The day after I was surrounded by all the sobbing and knew that I couldn't let myself die. If I did I would just be trying to escape from my pain and would place it on my family. So for the last two decades I haven't really had a dream or anything to look forward to. I've just had a goal of trying not to die. There are many more traumatic things that followed which I won't get into but I dislike telling people my life story since they just give me looks of pity or seem like they want to ask how I haven't killed myself yet.

Unfortunately the kill or be killed mindset has been passed on. While I've never harmed anyone, I have recovered memories involving someone I trusted keeping me against my will and unspeakable things happening many times. I've had frequent nightmares since then and didn't know that my situation wasn't normal. By the time I was a teenager I found out that I didnt have to live my life in fear and allow abuse to keep happening. I've decided since then that I'll do whatever I can should I be faced with a similar situation in the future. I can only fight back to stop such a thing from happening again. It will most likely never occur again but it still affects my life everyday. I can't go out in public without someone I trust and even then I still scan the whole area and look for an escape route. I shouldn't have to feel like everyone around me is a possible threat to my safety and freedom.

I don't think people realize just how calming the rain can actually be. Not just the light stuff but heavy rain. It acts as a soothing white noise that drowns out your thoughts and feeling it hit your body also distracts you. I won't say when since it could reveal my location but within the last few years I was outside during a very bad storm that had frequent wet microbursts. It destroyed all the trees in the area and I almost died but I felt oddly calm. It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. There was so much wind and rain that it resembled blowing snow and there was so much water hitting the ground that it would form waves that would zoom so fast and then crash only to repeat the process over and over.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm annoyed by all the sexualization of people with mental health issues. With the way some people act towards characters that don't exist, it worries me how they could treat real people going through similar situations. And on the other hand please see trauma survivors as real people. Many of us had to survive on our own and you thinking someone being terrified is just a shy/cute trait that makes them adorable is infuriating. I can't tell you how much I hate the latter. I'm so sick of people thinking that I need someone to spoil me with affection and protect me to the point where I feel like I'm being treated as a baby. It just makes me feel more weak and pathetic.

[happiestplacehq]

Hey everyone !!

I hope we're all doing okay. I know life is kicking everyone's butt right now. I'm putting out the good vibes!

So, I'm finally on summer holiday and other than having studying to do for my ballet qualification, I actually genuinely have some free time on my hands at the moment. As you can probably all tell, the last few months have not been great for me keeping the main up to date and pushing things out, and keeping on top of everyone else's activity has been hard when I haven't been as active myself. Long story short, my mental health has absolutely tanked the last few months (understandable, given how many things have been thrown at me in a year and a half on top of work stress and studying) and I couldn't in good conscience hound anyone to be active when I was hiding myself.

For now, I feel rested and I'm pushing through the brain fog. I'm committing to being a better mod!

ANYWAY, all this is to say is that I'm planning a small revamp/ reboot of the RP, with the hopes that this motivates all of our players to make a slow and steady return to the dash.

This revamp will include some plot updates, a massive push for the plot moving forward, and an event to welcome the new "era" of the RP. (Trust me besties, I'm excited for the idea I have and I'm already writing things inside my mind!!)

I might change up the graphics and change some bios around here and there too if my mum's laptop agrees with photoshop. I'm not promising new bios just yet (as that is a hurdle unto itself).

The main thing to note going into this revamp is this:

There will be updates to the activity rules. Sadly, being as lenient as I have been has meant that activity has fizzled, which is understandable but not great if we're wanting to keep the RP moving forward, keep everyone feeling included and welcome new writers. (I know the dash has been moving better lately, but sometimes there are points where nothing is posted for a long time.)

I haven't decided on what the new rules will be yet, so am open to feedback and suggestions, but there will be changes to both activity and interaction rules. I will also be messaging each individual character account to ask your plans for the character going forward, or if you would like to drop the character at some point too. (If you're stuck with a character, this is a great time to reboot them.) These rules will not come into effect until the revamp is complete so there's still some time to message me or have a think about what you would like to do going forward.

As always, please send in a hiatus request if you think you will be away for over 2 weeks just so I can keep things as updated as possible.

To help me in this revamp, the RP/ Main will technically be on a semi-hiatus - RP and in character interactions will continue as normal, the main will just be quieter to help me make changes and keep track of everything. As such, I won't be promoting the RP until I'm happy with the revamp, and applications for new characters will be closed for a short while. You can still message me to change character FCs, request hiatuses and all the other usual stuff.

I'm giving myself until mid-August to get as much of this done as I can. I will be away in London for training from the 15th to the 23rd August, so if I put my mind to it we'll have something by then, OR the week I come back. I'll put a poll out nearer the time when we would like the grand-reopening to be!

Like I said, interactions are still to go ahead as normal! The game itself isn't on hiatus, just the main while I change things around and give everything a fresh coat of paint. Thank you to everyone who has stuck around thus far! I can't wait to see what this revamp sparks in everyone ✨

Please give this post a like once you have read it!

[meditating-dog-lover]

Healing this year

I really want to dedicate this year to healing. And I am getting better, but not 100% there.

I'm gaining more energy and my skin is getting better. I have antibiotic and antifungal ointments as well as petroleum jelly and gentle skin care to use until I get better and less inflamed. My hands have been itchy and dry with cuts, but again I haven't used steroids this week. So I don't expect them to look not inflamed for that reason, and also based on the fact that I am recovering.

I know I'll be benefiting through my anti-inflammatory diet. I've been eating this way for over a month and love it. I am still making some adjustments like how to eat out, find snacks and condiments. I'm finding a balance. I'm still going to support my hormone and gut health. I'm at least happy that I'm supporting my hormones by quitting fasting, getting support from my mom which relieves stress, and taking cortisol-reducing adaptogens (doing this temporarily). Gut-wise I'm happy my h pylori test came back negative. It won't hurt to do this test annually with bloodwork. I just don't want to experience reinfection. I'm going to work on stress relief and yogs/relaxing workouts to further help my hormones, and ask about enzymes and stomach acid during my mineral scan. This will be the LAST doctor appointment I make in private. Everything else afterwards, I will never hide from my mom anymore. I'm a hypochondriac yet I hate hiding health stuff from the person who heals me the most. I cannot do it anymore because I feel bad and need her help. 1 more visit and *that's it* no exceptions.

I need a lot of mental health support. I have trauma, and possible autism, and this has been a touch year and I've considered seeking psychiatric help because I need serious help. My mom is going to help me with this, and I'm going to the dentist with her, another area of my health heavily tied with childhood trauma I haven't healed from yet. The physical and mental health trauma hasn't healed and cuts deeper and deeper. I can't take it anymore, I don't want to be sick.

If I do recover and heal, then I'll be able to make it to next year focusing on socializing and intimacy, 2 areas I am scared of. I know I'm talking with someone already, but I know I need to establish truly healthy relationships to the point where I can trust others as a vulnerable and traumatized person and stop fearing intimacy. I'm worried of something bad happening which will psychologically scar me, and I don't need any more scarring.