#i'm allowed to not talk about it because this is Fun time for me not talk about the bits i hate time
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Note
Anna baby we got new stills!! I am very curious why so many of Buck's outfits have been brown. The flannel he's wearing in the loft??? Blue and red and brown??? I'm thinking they tell Buck Maddie is pregnant, and it gets Buck thinking about a family (adding to his already immense longing), add in the pictures on his fridge and he is so close to understanding what he wants! But anyway! What is with the brown????
Hello baby!! So, the brown. I was talking about the brown with @stagefoureddiediaz literally yesterday lol. But current theory is that they are playing with both the stability and growth attached to the color when put in a positive light and the sense of isolation when we put it in a negative light. Buck doesn't wear brown a lot pre-season 7, his neutral color is grey, but ever since he came out he has been in a grey/sepia scale. The only instances me and Kym could come up with at the top of our heads was when Chim kicks Buck out and he has to move back with Maddie and the grocery store fight.
It plays into movements in Buck's life he needs to figure out alone, in a sense. Only Buck can break his own patterns and using a color that's attached to both stability and growth, like who he is for Eddie in 710, and loneliness, the grocery store, is fun because only Buck can allow himself to grow, he needs to do this for himself
Brown was also very attached to Tommy, Buck hasn't worn any brighter colors, like he would do his blues and red in previous seasons, this season yet, except for his costume, and I think it also plays into the way Buck forces himself to be what his partner wants and fails to consider what chipping away pieces of himself will do to him, like the way Tommy doesn't know he doesn't like basketball or the way Buck never complained about the "Evan" thing or the way Buck didn't know Tommy is gay or was engaged before or all the tiny ways they showed us Buck and Tommy didn't really know each other. And that plays into the way Buck was dimming himself while trying to find himself in the relationship, while trying to make dating Tommy something transformative, especially because while doing that, he was negating parts of who he is.
The brown hoodie is the first time we are seeing Buck in plain brown too, he's usually in a pattern or a textured fabric, and the mopping around and the very obvious stress-baking on "faded" colors with Jee in a literal rainbow, probably leading Buck to talk to Maddie and Chim in the red and blue will be interesting if that's the correct sequence of events. Because it will allow Buck to start bringing that color back to his life.
He's back in his self-discovery blue and that red with Buck is attached to emotions, trying to get in the right direction when it comes to his feelings, like trying to let go of Abby, his speech about love, a few moments in 208, Buck, actually as a whole works for Buck to try and figure out his own feelings.
But he's not in the true red, so, as pointed out to me by Kym, it's almost as if he's locking himself. He's not ready to have the revelation yet, But he will be back in blue, that's a good step, he will probably work his way back to his blue, being in it when he's ready for Eddie.
I will taglist this one (interact with this post if you wanna get tagged)
@sparkedblaze @caw-salem @dreamofsomepiphany @100ceruleaneyes @linus-lucy @chaosqueery @gina-spike @chimchiminie98 @elvensorceress @singitforthegirls @dangerpronebuddie @182daysof @steadfastsaturnsrings @sparklespiff @inell @miles--to--go @jesuisici33 @wolfdeans @lunarsolar1 @joshwritesfics @glasscities @kejfeblintz @stagefoureddiediaz @mosaicstardust @eddiedisasterdiaz @hermioneindisguise @queerprincesseddiediaz @lookforanewangle @becausebuckley @lemotmo @thenainitaldisaster
@dingdongfries @angelcamael
87 notes
·
View notes
Text
To be deleted, Just venting. I'm sick of behavioral issues in schools. I'm sick of kids throwing shit around, screaming, showing defiance towards basic expectations and then complaining about it afterwards when there are consequences. Genuinely, why the fuck are they like this. Idk if this is the result of ipad kids or the new generation of parents but I'm so fed up. I'm so fucking exhausted dealing with kids who know how to make the biggest mess imaginable crying and whining about having to clean it up after. What in the absolute flying FUCK did you think was going to happen. The attitude that follows and the refusal to follow instructions?
Let's not even start on the apathy kids have towards learning. They can recite shit from tiktok word for word, God forbid you ask them to spell something, that's too much and hurts them emotionally. "UhM, wE'rE jUsT kIdS, wE sHoUlD bE aLloWeD tO tAlK" These words were actually said to me while the kid was complaining about another teacher. Who just asked them not to talk during lessons. And this was the response. That they're just kids, obviously they don't know better so they should be allowed to talk. NOT WHEN THE TEACHER IS TEACHING YOU DUMB FUCK.
Sorry.
Last week I had another kid try to stab multiple people for fun with the Remembrance day poppies. Then that thing spat soda everywhere. Slapped a few kids. Stole their hats. Their persuasive essay topic was why school should be shorter. Because they need time to rest and play and complete their homework. This is from the child who never does it. Their parent believes their sports games are more important anyway so this kid gives 0 fucks about school.
I actually can't tell if I want to quit yet or not. Teaching has changed so much over the last few years and I don't think I can do it when this is the direction it's going in. IDK what else I can do with my degree but I'm about to start researching because I cannot take it.
54 notes
·
View notes
Note
Sooo, I have a thought from an ask i saw about yandere beasts towards the ancients...
What if the Beasts became yandere towards YOU instead?
Although, the Ancients have the same feeling too, which may lead to high tensions in the air.
What would YOU in that scenario?
-A Self-Aware/Yandere lover Anon
Wait, me? Me specifically? Merchant? The person answering this ask? That's certainly an interesting thought...
If the Beasts became yanderes towards me, then I would fucking panic lol. I don't condone this kind of behavior irl, it's fun to write fictional crazy people but nobody wants to endure ACTUAL crazy people. Stalkers are sick and dangerous and need to be put away, and it's a damn shame it's not taken seriously by law enforcement anywhere (not until it escalates to violence, anyway, unfortunately)
With that said, let's terrorize Merchant for a little bit
IF THE BEASTS ARE STILL JUST COOKIES:
Step on them immediately, they're like 3 inches tall wait, would that work? They have powers and are crazy strong. What can they actually do against humans? Would stepping on them just break my fucking foot?
Send my dog after them no wait, I don't want them to hurt my dog. I love my dog very much. I don't know what I'd do if something happened to him. I'd never forgive myself if I let him try to eat them and he just got turned into flour or something
Pour milk on them ONE OF THEM IS MADE OF MILK ALREADY GODDAMN IT
Hide the box of cookies I like to get from the store, because they probably wouldn't appreciate the fact that I love to eat cookies (they're just like this 🍪 but still)
Try to trap them in the fridge momentarily, hope they don't destroy my nice fridge
Make a deal where they are allowed to live in and explore my house provided they damage nothing and hurt no one
Give them head scratches (especially Spice, his head looks Very Scratchable)
Give them tiny little kisses if they behave themselves (however, if I give one a kiss, I have to give them ALL kisses, or else the other 4 will retaliate against me out of jealousy)
I will also allow them to sit on my shoulders if they behave themselves and don't try to yank on my hair or my ears or something
Wait, do cookies know what sex is? Are they capable of sexual feelings? If so, how do they deal with them? Do they have the... equipment for that? WHAT IF THEY TRY TO HUMP MY FINGERS OR SOMETHING OH GOD-
Contact federal authorities and hope that they believe me when I say superpowered talking cookies are in my house, so they can come take them away and perhaps experiment on them
Probably never sleep again because there's a batch of little satanic cookies in my house that all want to fuck me for some reason (I'm ugly and a normie, wtf did I do to deserve this 💀)
IF THE BEASTS ARE HUMAN:
immediate death
panic x10000000000
I hc Spice as being at least 6'5''/198cm and 200+/90+ lbs/kg so I'm cooked 7 ways to Sunday just with him
Seriously I'm just a short nerd irl. Assuming they still have their powers, my life is literally over
Do everything in my power to convince them all my loved ones are dead so they don't go harm them out of jealousy (ESPECIALLY my SO, God have mercy, I'll probably have to tell him to go hide in his home country for a while)
Try to barricade myself in a church, hope that the "demons cannot set foot on hallowed ground/in God's house" rule applies to them, beg God to save my sorry ass while they try to break in and drag me back out
Can't call the cops because A) stalking and harassment are not taken seriously by police, B) they won't believe me when I say that 5 supervillains are trying to kidnap and marry me, C) by the time they realize I'm telling the truth, they will already have been hanged/put into a coma/beheaded/turned to flour/cut up into salt cubes
I actually only like men irl so I am in deep trouble with Flour and Sugar especially
Try to flee the country (probably won't work but I'll try anyway and hope they don't get too mad about it), hide out in the Yukon or some bumfuck nowhere village in Russia, I'd rather face a polar bear than these guys
Probably still be forced to let them live in my house in exchange for peace and obedience
...I don't know if tiny head scratches and kisses would cover it this time
Hope that they're all possessive enough to only harass me one at a time, instead of... more than one at a time, because that counts as sharing and yanderes don't really like doing that
Try to pit them against each other constantly. If they're too focused on arguing about who I belong to or whatever, then they can't focus on tormenting me
Would like to try to stab or shoot them but idk if conventional weaponry works on them at all
If I HAD TO pick one to say yes to, it would be Burning Spice. He is sexy af. Then, hopefully, I can weaponize this and get him to defend me from the others
IF THE ANCIENTS LIKED ME TOO, BUT WERE NORMAL:
Yay, sanity. I'll tell them to PLEASE get the Beasts away from me. They can sort out whatever they feel towards me later, we've got a bigger problem on our hands than that
COOKIES: I will keep them safe in my house under the same conditions as the Beasts: behave and do not harm anyone or anything
HUMANS: Look, can I just... send them back? How did any of these guys get here, anyway? Can I please just shove them back through the portal or whatever they used to get here? Even if I wasn't taken, I don't think I'd have the strength or patience to put up with anyone's shit. Can we just be friends? I'd love to be friends. I need a mom friend like Hollyberry in my life
If necessary, I am picking Dark Cacao. Seriously, I love my big, strong men. Merchant is a basic bitch at heart lol
IF THE ANCIENTS WERE YANDERES TOO:
Are you fucking kidding me
Am still picking Cacao, fuck all of you
#cookie run kingdom#burning spice cookie#golden cheese cookie#shadow milk cookie#silent salt cookie#hollyberry cookie#dark cacao cookie#mystic flour cookie#eternal sugar cookie#white lily cookie#pure vanilla cookie#yandere beasts
55 notes
·
View notes
Text
vent post
#and before anyone who hates my shit says “yeah because you ARE a loser way to have self awareness for once”#i promise you this would be me with or without the LO fandom LMAO#anxiety is a hell of a thing#and as much as i internally guilt myself into thinking it would be better if i just shut up and hid away forever#i also know that's the trauma speaking because the adults around me always told me to shut up#and even as an adult i still encounter people who talk over me and make me feel like i'm not allowed to be outspoken#but the pen is mightier than the sword and all those years i've spent being spoken over i've been honing my penmanship#i have fun talking about the things i talk about and i don't have any less right than anyone else to do it#i am cringe and i am free#self post#vent post#altho on another note i do wanna make time this week to go find new series to read#too many of my favorites have turned to shit and it's taken its toll#i KNOW there are better comics out there that are genuinely well made#i already have a few that i'm reading that i love but i need to balance out the good with the bad more lol#i just need to take the time to go find good stuff instead of pouring so much of my attention into the bullshit that doesn't deserve my tim#i think both things can be true#i can have a lot of fun dissecting and writing about series i don't like#while also nourishing myself with good works that restore my faith in this medium#“perfectly balanced as all things should be”
278 notes
·
View notes
Note
I wanna know ur Fontaine msq criticisms 👁️👁️👂I’m all ears
I'm not sure if you wanted me to talk about this secretly or publicly but! Here I go!
The TLDR: Fontaine MSQ aestheticised prison, poverty, child abuse, the justice system/court and didn't properly address any of it.
More:
Focalors/Furina has way too much of a sympathetic angle for a dictator who's lets people drown with her inaction.
Neuvillette feels Bad for sentencing some people to death/prison, but that's it. He's one of the most powerful people in Fontaine. If he felt like there are systemic injustices, I.E sending an abused Child to prison, he should be the first person to DO something about it, not just cry and be sad so the audience can be like aw, that's complex character writing isn't it? No it's not! And guilt doesn't absolve you!!!!!!! (These are stuff we deal with in OTCOJ read my fic now /j)
Meropide has children in it, both Sentenced there (Wriothesley) and BORN THERE (Lanoire), and this is just a quirk of the place. Not only that, Meropide accepts prisoners of all genders and crimes. There are abusers and abuse victims in one place. Do you know how bad that is? How much potential for crimes to happen in a place like that— oh wait, Meropide isn't under Fontaine's jurisdiction. If you are assaulted as an inmate it literally means nothing to the court.
Wriothesley had no qualifications when he took over. Depending on how long he lived on the streets, how old he was when he killed his parents, how old he was when he was first taken in by the orphanage, etc, the man might never have more than 4–5 years of formal education. Sigewinne probably had to teach him how to write reports. And do Meropide's spreadsheets. Edit because I forgot to elaborate on this one: This isn't a point brought up anywhere, which is bad, because when poverty and incarceration robs you of a proper education (and the rights to vote in many places too, too, by the way), it reduces your prospects for jobs, reduces many people's ability to get a home etc etc. Wriothesley was just, narratively, Given his position.
Meropide is an industrialized prison, and they portray this as a good thing. Prisoners are paid in coupons for their labour, and this is also portrayed as a good thing.
The One-Meal-A-Day reform was something Paimon gushed about being so great of a perk, that people might want to go to jail for food (could be interesting and reflective of systemic poverty if MHY had brains, but they don't, so I was just Pissed because essentially all Paimon wanted to say was "Prison isn't so bad, but still don't go to prison guys! Prison labour is really hard!"). By the way, in most real-world prisons they are obligated to feed you three meals a day. Because that's how much food a human needs. MHY went with one meal just so they can say "if you want to eat more, you have to work." And then the welfare meal is a goddamn gacha. So imagine you're a starving child who's too weak to work in the fucking robot assembly line, and you wander up for your first meal in 24 hours, only to luck in with a shit one. I'd kill myself.
They wrote Wriothesley, who's a victim of the system, into a guy who's say shit like "I'm the Duke I can do whatever I want" for a cool moment where he choke-slams an inmate (I know he was a bad guy. But also, in copaganda when cops are violent/disregarding protocols, they are always only portrayed to do that against bad guys, so what does our critical thinking tells us about this one?) They wrote Wriothesley, who was an inmate of a prison so bad, so notorious that it is the literal boogeyman of Fontaine, that has a legal (???) fighting pit, with an administrator who abuses his position to be unreasonable, to willingly stay in the place and become an Administrator who would choke-slam an inmate while saying a cool line about how he has the power to do whatever he wants. They wrote him, the guy who had to be fed on the streets by melusines, to think one-meal-a-day was a good enough reform (while he spends god-knows how much on his boat). This wasn't a victim-turns-into-abuser narrative either, they want all this to be seen as positive character growth.
And then, the final kicker is, they gloss over his entire abuse. You can only read about these shit in his profile, which most people don't because they don't Have Him or doesn't care to unlock it/read it online, and they jammed his entire backstory into a flaccid info-dump at the end of his character story quest. This man isn't Allowed to feel abused and neglected and show any reaction to it within the narrative of Fontaine itself, because if they actually Gave Weight to what happened to him, they'd have to confront THE FUCKING JUSTICE SYSTEM they had NO PLANS on criticising. I don't think they ever explicitly said the fucking Crime-Theatre nonsense was Bad either.
I could go on, but this is already so long. But yeah, I hope this gave you an idea.
#and then. and im putting my most controversial opinion in the tags bc im scared lmao. but like... then... you have the fans..... doing......#the same fucking thing.#the amount of times I have seen Wriothesley used as just a side prop for Neuvillette to feel bad about shit. While Wriothesley is just.....#portrayed as having the inner peace and acceptance of a fucking monk. I was shocked when I read some fics I swear#they really said this man has no trauma at all! the stuff in his past? he's over it!#i hate that passivity when writing victims. like ok if One is written like that#sure. but MHY write all their victims like this#I mean look at fucking Lanoire#and Neuvillette sentenced him to prison after he killed his parents who were never confronted by the law. That's canon.#that's more canon than WRLT itself.#why weren't they confronted? did wriothesley try to talk to someone about it? why did he feel like killing them is his only option ?????#at least have there be some sort of conflict and friction there. How does Wriothesley feel about the court and Neuvillette when#this is the literal system that allowed all that shit to happen to him in the first place???#are you Sure he won't be at least a little wary? the fact that some people think he's Grateful to Neuvillette or even idolises him is crazy#because the man literally subjected him to prison. and if you want to portray his prison life as easy breezy and trauma free#you undermine his entire shitty little 'prison reform' narrative#and if you think he'd be completely 100% accepting of the justice system. Then why the fuck would he kill his parents himself#don't you see that the whole 'I'll accept whatever sentence in order to kill my parents' thing in itself is an act of defying the system#and I Hate#this idea. about being some of the most powerful men in the nation. and yet they can't fucking TRY to set up a better system or smth#i can't believe I read a fic where leaving starving street kids croissants is the most they (the characters and the writer) want to do#like. what the fuck. the whole point of that scene is just to make neuvillette feel bad and be like aw......... poor people exist.... OK???#this is literally how MHY would portray him though.... tbf..... This is what ppl would argue as 'in character'#I just think the character they're in is bad.#I will say I'm giving the fic a lot of grief. there's more to the scene than that. and. ultimately.....#fanfic is (saying this through gritted teeth) ........ recreational....................and free........... in the end.................#i dont think this is reflective of the writer. I do think it is reflective of the way the canon material (genshin impact)#presents in the audience who consumes it. most fans only want these guys to fuck anyway. not think about systemic injustices#canon doesn't make it about the systemic injustices either so why should we. the aesthetic of slums and prisons are just there for fun guys#IM JUST CRAZY OK. I SHOULDNT EVEN BE HERE THIS IS NOT FOR ME . I DONT CARE THAT MUCH FOR PEOPLE FUCKING AND I CARE TOO MUCH
29 notes
·
View notes
Text
Every once in a while I think about the ship I've been obsessed over for close to two years now and feel like I'm ascending to another plane of reality. Like sometimes you just encounter a ship that hits every single mark and is perfect in every regard and you're left stunned how something like that can even exist
#Anyways I'mma put the actual inane ramblings in the tags#Medic and Engie make me so ill every time I think about them for a while I feel like tearing into things and biting people and throwing up#How something like that can exist completely defies me#I don't know how something that perfect can exist#I'm typically a multi-shipper and while I still kinda am I honest to god don't really care to write other ships#Not cause they ain't good (they are pretty damn good) but because Engiemedic is just on another level#Like dammnnn!! that's why I've spent so long writing a fic about them!#I can't fathom it honestly how characters like that can exist#They're like a slightly warped reflection of themselves#They're both intelligent mentally ill lunatics with no morals whatsoever#The only thing is that Engie is marginally better at hiding it#If you go into headcanon territory than WHOO!! OHH DAMNNN#Like what gets me the most about Engiemedic is how they're so similar#They think and exist on the same wavelength#In tune with each other. Their neurons braided like wires#If I start talking about how the machine and the flesh are not opposites but rather one in the same we gonna be here all day#I just can't...believe the ship exists#Like man how does this happen#You want humour? Goofy wacky experiments and silliness of them violating several conventions#You want angst? Hell yeah they've got plenty of it#Fluff? Buddy I start wailing and sobbing if they accidentally brush hands while working on stuff#I could write about them for ages and not get bored they can fit in every circumstance#They make me SICK they make me CRAZY I love them so so much#They would do anything for each other#I look at what they have and I can feel like I understand what love is#I need to write more oneshots and minifics about them they're so flexiable and fun#Can't wait to do parallels with them in these upcoming chapters#Either way GODDDDD I love these two so much I could go on for hours about them#especially if I'm allowed to talk about headcanons#sp-rambles
22 notes
·
View notes
Text
very weird to frame your abuse apologia as being aware that the writers intended to illustrate a mutually harmful dynamic and not an abusive one. when the writers in question also wrote the line 'once you put it out there, they [the audience] decide what it is' because nothing you ever create has any innate definition. when the writers in question decided to racebend major characters and then showcase them being harmed by white or nonblack characters in a repeatedly racialized pattern when they Did Not Have To Do That and then genuinely or disingenuously decide to dialogue about their directly or indirectly illustrated racialized dynamic of intimate partner violence within and outside the narrative. like to be quite honest it does not matter what they intended because this is what they made and this is how it Looks to a notably large amount of people. who just happen to be interpreting it wrong? according to what metric? the very metric they say Doesn't Work in their own fictional creation? ok
#j watches interview with the vampire#i keep saying i'm tired of talking about this but i'm not#iwtv is SO enjoyable to me when i Don't make excuses for obviously shitty people#cannot comprehend the level of mental gymnastics. well actually i can lol#like i'm not trying to suck the fun out of a fictional show of fun fucked up dynamics#it's fun and fucked up Because. they let it be fucked up#let it be fucked up!#so many people seem to have such an aversion to the idea that lestat ever abused anyone but especially louis#when we know even if he didn't abuse louis he definitely abused claudia. often IN very misogynistic and racist ways btw#which people conveniently ignore#let alone that he does similar things to louis even when he at the same time would never Want to abuse louis#like both are true. i think. like#it's good that we as a society have tried to be better about cutting off abusers at the heels to compensate for it not happening Enough#but we have to stop pretending they aren't human people and that abuse is a Human act and that their humanity#and our ability to understand them with Our humanity just Disappears the second they do something monstrous#like no. both are true. all of it's true#pretending lestat was never abusive does nothing for no one#and i really truly feel like it takes the bite Out of such a compelling story to view it that way#let it bite my friends i promise you will survive it#imo seeing lestat's abuse for what it is =/= Cancel Him NOW like. i still enjoy him for what he is as long as he's Allowed to be what he is#which the finale. um. appeared to backpedal lol which is why it immediately sucked to me#realizing i am Because Of Woke-ing lestat but like people are afraid to call him abusive because they like him and they feel like#they can't continue to like him if they admit he was ever abusive. Because of Woke HFKSDJF
13 notes
·
View notes
Text
Tried to write a fun little fic about why Daniel unfollowed on Instagram Zak, Michael, Fernando, and Nicki, the most random quartet possible, only to end up with this lol
Daniel finally answers a call at just gone 4.30am, Max's time. It's 5.30am, Daniel's time, which admittedly is only marginally better, but maybe the hospital he's in has some crazy Get-Up-And-Seize-The-Day sort of ethos. Although from what Christian has told him, Daniel might not be seizing anything, metaphorically or otherwise, for some time.
"Daniel," Max says as soon as he hears the line clicking through. "How are you? How do you feel? Is your wrist alright? Do the doctors and nurses take care of you, do they speak English, or did Red Bull send a Spanish translator and I hope I have not woken you up and-"
He cuts himself off. There's a sort of stunned silence on the other side of the line. Sometimes, Max thinks his need for Daniel is a bottomless pit, something that has hollowed him out and leaves an ache echoing through him.
"Max?" Daniel says, incredulous. High, drugged up, gone on pain medication. "How did you get into my phone?!"
Max squeezes his eyes shut. His mouth is twisted, making some shape. A smile, a frown? He doesn't know, nobody can see him in his old childhood bedroom.
He wants to be with Daniel. He wants to brush a hand through his curls and run his fingertips along the lines of his faded tattoos like how a child would first begin to trace letters and numbers.
I miss you, he wants to say
I want you
I need you
"I'm not in your phone," he says instead, tone light and soft. "I called you. I am in the Netherlands."
"Oh," Daniel says, as if the fact Max had not been magically transformed into his phone is mildly disappointing. "What are you doing there?"
"We had a race, remember?" Max says. He's stretched out on his old bed. His feet dangle just slightly off the edge, and each year, he's promised a new one, bigger and larger and finally a grown-up bed. But it never materialises and Max has stopped bringing it up now.
The room is unchanged. Around him, the faces of former racing legends watch him, tapped to his wall. Above, stars look down, stuck to his ceiling in haphazard patterns. The day his father got to play God and created universes and cosmos splayed above his head.
"Of course," Daniel huffs good naturedly. "You won, Maxy."
"I know," Max replies softly.
"It was your ninth consecutive win," Daniel continues, his tone strong and proud, as if it's Daniel who has achieved it. Maybe he's so high on meds he thinks it is, that him and Max are some sort of Jeckyl and Hyde being, two sides of the same life. Max doesn't know. A headache is building behind his eyes. He hasn't really slept since Friday, three days previous.
"You're now equalling Sebastian Vettle. If you win the next race, you'll beat the record." Daniel continues before pausing, as if realisation is only just dawning. "I don't think I'll be there."
"No," Max murmurs. "I don't think you will be either."
"My wrist is really fucked," Daniel goes back to his jubilant tone, like a child with the best show and tell in school. "I have a metal plate in it, isn't that neat?"
He laughs. Max closes his eyes, just listening to the sound. "Imagine if it goes off at every airport security, Maxy? How annoying with that be?" He laughs again, the prospect sounding delightful to him in that very moment.
Max hums softly, and then shifts on the bed, turning away from the stars his father hung up for him. Instead, he moves to his side, facing a giant poster of Micheal Schumacher celebrating one of his championships. At the bottom, Max, to great things! MS. He was six. It was one of the best Christmas presents his dad had ever gotten him.
"How do you feel?" He asks. Daniel is humming a tune under his breath, the theme song to some gameshome Max barely recognises. He stops at Max's question.
"Good," he says happily. "I have gained deep clarity."
That shocks a laugh out of Max, as only Daniel, even doped, drugged Daniel, can do. The longing feels physical, the hole never ending in his chest. He closes his eyes, blocking out the stars and racing legends whose shine has faded and whose records he's now beating.
In another life, he thinks, he would be there. He'd be the first face Daniel would see, the first hand he'd get to hold, the first for nearly everything, just like Daniel had been for Max.
But instead they're a time zone apart and Daniel is alone in a country where he can't even speak the language and Max is in his childhood bedroom, surrounded by his family who are fast sleep and utterly oblivious to the fact he's gay, let alone in a relationship with Daniel Ricciardo.
"Clarity," Max forces his mind back on track. "How so?"
"Oh you know," Daniel says with ease. "Cleared my mental space."
Max huffs another laugh. His chest aches, empty. He wonders does Daniel know how hollowed out he is without him.
"Go on."
"Well, I deleted a shit ton of apps. That wellness app you made me download last year? Sorry Maxy, but that went," Daniel makes a popping noise. "And the fertility tracking app Scotty downloaded at his bachelor's party."
"Presumably he just got his and your phones mixed up, right?"
"No Maxy, it was a prank because I -" Daniel breaks away, finally understanding, laughing as if Max has made the funniest joke possible.
"Okay so you cleared up some space on your phone," Max prompts him.
"Oh yes, and then deleted twitter and went to WhatsApp and left about a billion groups and then I went to Instagram, and went through who I followed, and unfollowed tons of people."
"Oh? Did I make the cut?"
Daniel tutts as if Max is being purposefully dense.
"Naturally Maxy. In fact, I sort of debated unfollowing everyone except you, but then figured you might've been pissed at me."
Max can't tell if Daniel is joking or not. He doesn't know which he wants it to be.
"So firstly I unfollowed a bunch of people I had met years ago at business deals and stuff, and then Craig and Rebecca from school because I never really liked them anyway and they definitely never liked me and then Zak because the vibes were Not It and then my high-school teacher who I definitely only ended up following on a dare and -"
"Zak," Max says, picking out the familiar name in the sea of chatter. "As in Zak Brown?"
Daniel hums. "Yeah, the vibes were Not It. And then I also unfollowed Fernando -"
"Alonso?" Max splutters out another laugh of disbelief. "What on earth did he do to you?"
"I don't like how he acts around you."
"Me?!" Max voice goes up an octave. "What? But he's always nice to me Daniel. I like him."
"I know Max, that's the point," Daniel says, and before Max can even begin to comprehend what he means, he's continuing. "And then also Richard, from McLaren because I swear he used to tell Zak everything I did and then Michael, and then Sam, this old hookup, and -"
"Michael," Max cuts in, sure he's mistaken, "as in ..."
"Yeah," Daniel says after a beat. "That Michael."
Max swallows. Michael has been a constant strain on their relationship, the fly in the otherwise smooth ointment. Max had told Daniel he wasn't good for him, he wasn't looking after him. That friendship and business rarely mixed, and that in this case, it had congealed into something of neither, a strange, interdependent relationship which drained them both.
Daniel had said Max hadn't understood it, hadn't gotten how much Michael helped him, how good it was to have a physico who was also his mate. Max replied by saying that as far as he was concerned, Michael was proving himself to be neither.
Jealousy. That was what Daniel had pinned to him, had washed all rationality away with. Max was jealous.
He remembers feeling like he had been slapped. Jealousy. Fucking jealousy.
He never mentioned Michael again.
"But," Max begins slowly, mind whirling. "You had lunch with him last week." Even though you never mentioned it, even though I had to find out through fans' blurry photos.
"Yeah," Daniel draws the syllable out. "But... the vibes were not immaculate."
"Right," Max says, hating how terse the single word sounds. And the vibes were fine when he encouraged you to do that fucked up intermittent fasting? When he recommended yoga and gym sessions instead of therapy?
"And then I unfollowed Nicky Latifi, because unfortunately, he's going to do a masters in London, and following him online will simply remind me of all the missed possibilities I had in the academic world," he goes on.
"Daniel," Max says, trying to force his mind to move on, Daniel has unfollowed Michael Daniel has unfollowed Michael. "You dropped out of school when you were seventeen. In the most loving of ways, I would hardly call you an up and coming scholar."
"Details, Maxy," he says, but then goes quiet, and so does Max. He opens his eyes. His room is painted in shadows, sunrise still distant. The trophies he won as a child are carefully displayed in neat rows, their plaques opaque with dust, now thick and heavy. He remembers winning them, young and already starving for more, remembers the weight of plastic, the way sugary pop soda dried sticky on his skin.
"I think you were right," Daniel says softly. Max nods, face pressed against his pillow.
"I mean about him. Michael."
"I know who you meant," Max murmurs.
"Okay good, because you're definitely not write about my academic prowess, I was one hundred percent on track to be this world's Stephen Hawkens."
Max laughs softly. "It's Hawking not Hawken."
"Once again Maxy, details."
There's another exhale of quiet between them, and outside Max hears the world beginning to rise. Birds waking, their whistles winding their way through the crack in his window.
"I miss you," he says softly, as if the words are barely permitted to be spoken aloud.
"I love you too Maxy," Daniel replies with ease. Then - "you should come. I think it would be nice. If you were here too."
"I think so too," Max says. The longing grows. The trophies are dusty on his shelf, forgotten. His feet hang off his childhood bed. Birds begin to sing.
"So will you?" Daniel persists. Max squeezes his eyes shut.
"I don't know. I do not think you would be saying this if you weren't off your head on pain meds," he tries to joke. His chest aches. Hollowed out, always wanting more than he's allowed.
"Of course I would," Daniel says confidently, even though he ends it with a yawn. "I anyways want you around."
Max keeps his eyes still tightly shut. He tucks his knees up, bringing them to his chest. When he was very young and his parents were still together, he'd do this. Curl up on the bed with his eyes squeezed closed. The door shut, their shouts muffled; as distant as the bird song is to him now.
"Maxy?"
His sister said the same. Maxy? Climbing on his bed, tugging at his arms. What are they talking about? Nothing, nothing, it doesn't matter.
"How's your wrist?" Max asks. He opens his eyes - the room has grown lighter, dawn finally creeping in.
"Good," Daniel says, already forgotten what he said. Like a butterfly, moving onto the next topic, nothing permanent. "Sore. I'm on some strong shit though." He laughs. It sounds so near.
Max imagines it. He could do it. Book the ticket to Spain. It wouldn't even be that bad. People know him and Daniel are mates, and mates visit each other in hospital. And that's if it even comes out, which it might not. Nobody has to know.
"I love you," he blurts out, cheeks warm. Daniel laughs again, soft and delighted.
"Good, because my right hand is currently out of action, so I might need help over the next few weeks with a few particular things."
Max laughs, cheeks warm. He's not being quiet any more. His family can probably hear him through the walls, just like he could hear his parents all those years ago.
He can imagine his sister asking him, echoing their childhood as she questions him on words she's grasped through walls. This time, though, he thinks he will tell her the truth.
"I've heard Spain is very beautiful at the end of August," he says.
Daniel hums, "I've heard something similar, Maxy."
Outside, birds sing. The dawn continues on, filling the emptiness of night.
#shhhh nobody mention the fact the time zones are back to front please#i only realised while editing and I'm too tired to try and fix it#big thanks to Isabel and Lily for talking all about Maxiel longing with me!#lotsa longing here#believe it or not this was meant to be a fun fluffy piece#but apparently I am incapable of not writing angst#parallels!#max unable to differentiate longing for a stable upbringing with longing for Daniel#and so the merging of childhood trauma is occurring with the loving of Daniel#indistinguishable and Max can't figure out which longing is good and which is bad#because as a child he wasn't allowed to want more from his parents#and not Daniel had so much more to give him#but Max had to accept the fact he's allowed to want it before he can have it#jealous dan lol#my fic#my writing
106 notes
·
View notes
Text
grief is like a really ugly couch
I think grief is like a really ugly couch. It never goes away. You can decorate around it; you can slap a doily on top of it; you can push it to the corner of the room—but eventually, you learn to live with it. ― Jodi Picoult, Leaving Time
#the mentalist#quotes#patrick jane#i would say web weaving but there's not a lot of web weaving happening#initially I also had a bit of an essay accompanying this but it disappeared because of a tumblr glitch + my own stupidity#and i'm too tired to write it prettily but i still wanna write it so it'll be in the tags#a cute little fun surprise for whoever cares about and reads tags#so i made a different post talking about jane's grief but i was upset i didn't have enough space for the couch (pun unintended)#and i was thinking this morning about this quote and jane's couch and how it could be interpreted as a physical manifestation of his grief#as well as his willingness to open up to people#1. i love grief; grief is important to me. grief is permanent and i have been aware of grief in a form of another (in my own personal life)#for a very very very long time. so to see it in this show is...significant to me. i cherish this#now onto the actual analyzing. of course they never intended the couch to be a symbol for grief; but it becomes so.#he leans on the couch when he opens the Red John files; for support most likely - and it's a beginning of the process of dealing with grief#he is the only one who uses the couch. everyone knows it as jane's couch#in S4E23 Cho uses it briefly to rest and Rigsby asks him if Jane knows he's using his couch#Erica tries briefly (also in S4) to sit on the couch but he doesn't allow her the space#in fact the only two people we see that use the couch are Teresa Lisbon and Dennis Abbott#and this is the part about emotional availability. he only shares the couch with people whom he trusts#With Lisbon twice even#the couch is grief and the couch is love; the couch is support#there's nostalgia for the CBI times but there's also more to it#and that quote makes me go absolutely feral because#'eventually you learn to live with it' 😭 eventually you learn to live with grief and eventually you learn to accept it as part from yself#andand he is happy to see the couch; he missed the couch#-> you are not free from your grief but in healing you learn that it's okay; you cherish your grief; it was there with you and for you#yea anyways i will never not go mad about grief and trauma and how it's portrayed and handled.#and i already have 2 more sorta-proper essays that i want to write on the topic asdgfhdhjk. yea i'm literally not gonna stop
209 notes
·
View notes
Text
Lumity is very cute but it seems like the kind of ship that would have a fandom so toxic it'd make you dislike the ship in time and I think that's sad.
#possibly because it's so ''pure'' like#the spiciest thing that happened between them was Amity being rude for like 1/3 of s1 maybe?#and a lot of baby puritans online like to cling to these ''unproblematic'' ships to feel super morally superior and whatnot#tbh while watching toh I was thinking ''mmmm how could a fanfic make lumity MORE dramatic? what situations could make them WORSE''#my conclussion is that more internalized homophobia would really make it shine#for me specifically. to appeal to my own personal tastes#tbh the lack of conflict became a bit boring after a while like there were times i wanted amity to throw luz out the window#that girl is a compulsive liar she can't ever say things straight even when there's no reason to lie 😭 and i love flawed characters#and i understand amity being tremendously loving and forgiving and understanding is a valid character trait#but like girl 😭 not even one fight? i wouldn't have that patience 😭😭😭 sometimes fights are good#i see so many people celebrating it's ''healthiness'' (if that's a word) and i just feel like. is that what appeals to you?#is that what you find fun and exciting? is that what keeps you at the edge of your seat?#personally i need amity to get psychologically abused by her mom soooo bad it destroys her relationship with luz. like with willow but worse#MORE misunderstandings MORE heartbreak MORE abuse MORE drama#and if you could add some self-loathing and SHAME there it'd be beautiful#i'm not talking about the show. the show is fine. i'm talking about the fanfic i'm gonna spend the next two hours looking for on ao3#btw this is just me talking about my personal tastes and everyone is allowed to like whatever they like. if you like less drama that's cool#like i don't know you and my opinions on your tastes are actually zero
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
that period of time between south park post covid being announced in 2021 to summer 2022 when everyone got obsessed with truffula flu was moderately heavenly
#i'm going through all my chronological memory hoarding playlists from late 2013 to now#taken all day but i'm currently on around june 2022 and it's so nostalgic#but like that entire time was unreal#never forget south park post covid announcement literally curing me of like 2 years worth of on and off depression#i was like still weakly crawling out of the abyss and then adult scientist philanthropist kenny jsut yanked me out of there so easily#no warning#and then i was fine. it was so funny to me like i was in the middle of my eateot induced existential crisis where i couldn't sleep and then#everything was just normal? literally whatever episode of my life i was in had ended and everything reset for the next episode#which was such a good episode as well. and then the tflu era??#reading every existing camp entre blog within a month#and then the swag and bitter archives. literally the summer of all time#not just for that i mean it was just a good summer anyway#the only logical direction for life to go in after that was down bc i'd literally peaked for about 8 months#but it was a good time while it lasted#this was meant to be a happy ''remember the good times'' post but how come i'm only allowed to be happy for like a year at most#but i'm allowed to be in the abyss for 2 years#hopefully not longer bc i'm only now just getting over the cursed half of 2022 that doesn't exist to me (sep-dec)#but like. 2015 and first part of 2016 good. 2016-2018 bad#end of 2018 and most of 2019 good. end of 2019-summer 2021 bad#end of 2021-summer 2022 good. end of 2022-now bad#the maths does not add up#anyway shoutout november 2021-july 2022 i love you soooooooo much you were so sexy <3#(apart from the agoraphobia but that was part of the fun)#(like i'd be out in public and i'd see a pic of entre on my phone and i guess too much serotonin would be released in my brain and i'd get#anxiety and have to go home and i couldn't eat in public and i basically couldn't leave the house)#(because i was too obsessed with tflu)#(that wasn't the main reason it was mostly a wild fear of food poisoning from anything. but tflu didn't help and that is so cool of it)#(truly an iconic time. okay stop talking)#ramble
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
I'm gonna be a little quiet on here until after I start playing Dragon Age. I don't want to be spoiled and the urge to click on posts that have DA tags blacklisted is mounting. And just like with Inquisition, I want to go in totally blind.
#[static]#I can't wait to see what my friends and mutuals think. it's always so much fun to watch folks play new games together#I've seen a few reviews. but I ultimately want to decide for myself#I've already seen people bickering about really inane stuff just to have something to be negative about#and while there are incredibly valid criticisms of EA among other things ... the stuff I'm seeing -#- is typical fandom stuff that I don't want to touch with a 10 foot pole#it's kind of funny how much people can rattle on about a game that isn't out just because they want something new to complain about#and people are 100% allowed to have their opinions and feelings on if they thought a game was good or not but the stuff im talking about is#- like being mad at folks getting invested in characters or talking about how bad they know it's going to be even though they havent played#i think i just hate when people talk with such conviction about how other people should enjoy things that it pisses me off real bad#i saw a take on my for you page about how it's wrong of people to be writing fics about things that havent happened yet#because what if they're wrong and then theyve wasted their time and are gonna be ruinously upset. instant block lol#i thankfully dont see any of this on my dash ... usually just in the dragon age tags or on the for you page which I rarely frequent#just let people enjoy something without getting wound up about it not being the right way. it's just drama for drama's sake#but also feel free to hate it and hate it loudly! so long as you understand it's also ok for others to have a different opinion#it's just the super-online 'everyone is wrong but me' takes that leave me reeling
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
chibnall era fans as a group are the wet paper towels of era fans and it’s not annoying, it’s Depressing. When was the last time anybody saw any rtd or moffat era fans say in Every positive post ‘it isn’t perfect’ despite how very Not perfect those eras were? What made everybody think you have to compromise your way into saying you like something? If somebody reads your post and they believe you saying you like the era is you saying you like Every single choice made, every story decision, every behind the scenes decision and word uttered from the cast and crew, and every second of screen time was utter perfection then They’re a moron and/or acting in bad faith and aren’t worth anybody’s time beyond a cursory block button hit.
it upsets me on peoples behalf at this point. We’ve ended up the personification of the 10 crying in the pouring rain.gif. You don’t have to bargain with people who dislike it to express a single positive feeling about it, you don’t need to shove a disclaimer on every post, there is no need to be Guilty (or at least, no need to be any more guilty than people who like the Other eras should) and that people have been such dicks about the era that it’s gotten this far is truly absurd (it’s also Doubly sad because a great deal of these people who actively engage are just showing their own biases, being rude as shit, and offering no good faith analysis. They are Not worth conceding anything to. The polite ones worth conversing and debating with you will hear nothing from because they’re not, you know, rude).
no, i don’t think it was perfect, but if anybody assumes i think it was because i say it’s my favourite era they’re engaging in bad faith performative outrage because they hate that somebody likes something they don’t, and that’s literally the end of it.
There is a difference between critical analysis that ends in a negative place and just plain not liking an episode or a choice and voicing that dislike casually and like... a dog rolling on it’s belly in submission to people? I, and everybody else, have as much a right to like this era best as rtd and moffat lovers have to their own favourites and i’m not going to act all submissive about it when they don’t about their favourites. And I don’t expect fans of any other show runner to shove a disclaimer in every one of their positive posts, either, it’s absurd. And i’m not mad that those eras were their favourites, I like things about all the eras and have different critiques about them all as well.
This is absolutely a rant, but... It’s coming from a place of??? People shouldn’t have to do that. It’s not fair. This happened because people were utterly awful. It’s a rant in defence. With everybody else tearing into us with bad faith, unchecked and proud bigotry, and sometimes just plain entitled fan whining, the last thing we need is to tear ourselves down for them.
#dw shit#like no some things i hate about it#it's just#i'm allowed to not talk about it because this is Fun time for me not talk about the bits i hate time#that's not fun#oft times the parts i never talk about are the bits i dlslike and you can work it out if you narrow it down#sometimes i Do say what i dislike and give reasons#but If i want to and feel like it#i don't require big fans of the other eras to consistently slam their own likes. I can just acknowledge them in good faith instead.#and assume they don't like Everything but overall like it a lot.#it's not that hard.#this one has been fighting to get out for a Long time#Everybody seems to do it. And i know people are at times just trying to head off assholes. But it's spread to worrying levels and now it's#just upsetting
42 notes
·
View notes
Text
If they keep the “reds aren’t allowed to be friends with yellows/greens” rule on Limited Life I am going to start biting
#Me Talking#StopLife series#limited life smp#Greens and yellows have already been allowed to be friends and green/yellow this time around isn't functionally different from yellow/red#I had trust issues in the beginning of limited life; I couldn't let myself get attached to any group#because I remembered last life where almost none of the first-session factions survived together#and this time it's been different! Inter-faction boogeys haven't been happening and everyone's been being a team#and now I'm invested in the Clockers and the TIES and the Bad Boys and all the factions as FACTIONS#(which side note I think was a big part about why we all went insane about third life)#(and why I didn't enjoy Last Life as much and then enjoyed Double Life with its built-in factions more)#(and was initially worried about limited life because of the bogey mechanic coming back even though the bogey mechanic is cool and fun)#And factions can fall apart in the endgame. Betrayals can happen. That's fun and cool (and both of those happened in third life)#but breaking up a faction because one of the members went red just kinda feels bad#I get why they did it in last life. I get that in third life reds being able to be part of factions changed how being red worked/felt#and everyone on a faction with a red being able to kill made reds vulnerable rather than dangerous#but on limited life reds aren't as vulnerable. They have like 7 more deaths left. And reds also aren't the only ones allowed to do violence#so come on. Let the TIES keep their team. Don't break up the Clocker family. Let the finale keep the factions we're invested in
15 notes
·
View notes
Text
a super fun thing that my brain is really good at is hearing a random fact and remembering it forever. but only if it's bad :)
#the reason I'm thinking about that right now: I wish I had never read that having a crease on your earlobe means you're more likely to have#heart disease.#scared me so much that I read a whole paper about it#but it's been years now so I don't remember the details#just that that's a thing apparently#and guess what my brain does with that information? oh yeah of course I have to obsessively look at the ears of everyone now! does that#do anything helpful? nope! just makes me very very anxious :)#it's just like when I was a kid and I got nightmares about scurvy every time I didn't eat a potato for a week.#like. wow I could be so smart and everything if my brain wasn't constantly focused on random bullshit that is completely irrelevant 😭#also this thing specifically: I've always been weirdly fascinated by ears and this made that a million times worse and also very scary.#like ooh that's a nice ear :) oh no death exists and this person is going to die and#yeah it sucks.#specifically choosing not to mention any names in this context because my god this shit is on my mind all the time already I really don't#need to say it where anyone can see#it's embarrassing enough#though anyone who has looked at my blog in the past month already knows who I'm talking about.#like. I really shouldn't allow myself to like anyone over the age of like. idk 45.#it's so unbelievably exhausting.#but annnyway I'm totally normal and fine :)#oh yeah I also have creases on my earlobes lol so that definitely added to the scariness (and THEN my mother randomly mentioned recently#that EVERYONE on her side of the family had/has heart disease. bitch WHAT the fuck. anyway so yeah guess we know what's gonna kill me#haha isn't that fun :) )#ALSO the fact that my memory is very very bad means that I remember absolutely none of the details about shit like this. so it could very#well be completely irrelevant and harmless but i wouldn't remember that part.#and I think even if I found out more it wouldn't help. it's been an obsession for so long. I've never had one go away that I've had for#this long. so. guess I'm just fucked.#personal
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
Me - ''I want to get better about writing shorter stuff and just putting it out there without thinking too much about it. So I'm just gonna write a short little OrangeHook drabble about Hook being a cuddlebug. It'll be a couple hundred words at most, just a cute little thing, it doesn't have to be a whole fic or tell a complete story or anything like that. Just fluff!''
Me - *writes 1.5k words and is still not done, thinks way too hard about it, feelings are now involved and discussed at some length, there's multiple asides and unnecessary details, silly moments abound and of course, there's age jokes*
Why.
#What is wrong with you Sam you should not be allowed to write#Seriously. I wanted to write something short and sweet but NOPE#Hopefully it's still sweet at least#Don't know how good any of it is but it's been fun mostly because I'm still obsessed with this pairing#And I have so many headcanons both about these two separately *and* as a couple so whenever I write OrangeHook it's just like -#''Here's this detail I want to mention and oh! I want to include this headcanon too!''#''And what if I explored this aspect of their relationship a little bit? That could be fun!''#And OC *needs* to call Hook ''kid'' bare minimum of five times each fic those are the rules apparently#I feel like I need to introduce some parity there and have Hook call OC ''old man'' more often in my fics#For some reason I have decided that is very important#Real talk though I'm just glad that I can actually write stuff again after going through yet another slump last month#Still not convinced what I'm able to write is all that good but whatevs that never stopped me before LOL
6 notes
·
View notes