#i’ve never lost a day in my life
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yall…. so these scene are going to be with a reintegrated mark
#i’ve never lost a day in my life#severance spoilers#markhelly#mark x helly#helly r#helena eagan#mark s#mark scout#adam scott#britt lower
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There’s days when I really feel like a failure/ disappointment because I think everyone had pretty high expectations of me growing up and I feel like I’ve done nothing with my life
#i feel like it’s always just been assumed I’ll do well in life#because I did pretty well in school early on#but that was always just because i had to#it just felt like my duty to do well so I did#doing bad in school was not really an option#i was also called ambitious when i was young#but I never felt ambitious#again I just did what i had to do in my eyes#to be ambitious i think you need to work towards something#and I never knew what I wanted to do#i think I’ve always been sort of lost#and i see people I grew up with that seem to be doing so much better#and it makes me feel very inadequate and mediocre#I think it’s mostly bad brain bc idk these people anymore idk how their lives are for real#i always feel like i have to do more and what I do is not enough#but like half of last year all i had energy for was surviving day to day#idek what i’m supposed to be doing really#maybe I’m just a boring mediocre person and it is what it is at the end of the day#this is too long but whatever#tbd likely
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#I don’t know who’s up but I’m in the vet ER with my#dog#my parents took her on a walk and she hate some presuably marajuana#she’s not severe but also not mild#they’re now giving her lipids because she isn’t imroving#I’ve never seen her so scared and miserable and I’m in a fucking new country and everything has been stressful as fuck#and string broke during our first concert#and I’ve lost two things in the last three days I’ve never lost before#and I’m just sitting here at 2 am crying because I was trying to give her a better life here and this can’t be the end can it?#please god no
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oh. OH. I have POTS (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome). I definitely fucking have POTS. jesus.
#almost lost consciousness behind the wheel of my car today because i had a random bout of the symptoms being REALLY bad#I’ve never experienced it to that degree before and it was terrifying#and then I’ve been having symptoms ALL DAY.#another thing I’ve never experienced before in my life#it’s been fucking terrifying#and then my roommate said everything I’m describing sounds like POTS#and i finally read the symptoms for it#and everything lines up with what I’ve been experiencing today down to a T.#I guess i just never had too many problems when i was younger because i was always in a position that required physical activity#so my heart’s been pretty healthy#but these past couple years I’ve been SERIOUSLY sedentary#and more and more I’ve been experiencing POTS symptoms#goddammit#deep thoughts by z
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my cat got out and i literally want to throw myself off a cliff, vomit, and sob all at the same time. hes the love of my life
#it’s been three days#I’ve cried on an off all three days#idk what to do#hes still a baby I hope he’s ok#I’ve literally never lost a pet before I’m my life this is the most heartbreaking things wtf
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wonder if now that mark knows that gemma is “alive” and milchick told mark that his innie found love, he thinks its going to be with ms casey
#bro you’re so fucked LMFAOOOO#severance#markhelly#mark x helly#helena eagan#helly r#mark scout#mark s#helly riggs#he’s going to have to watch himself be utterly indifferent to her#and completely in love with hellyna#i’ve never lost a day in my life
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August… time to get spooky.
#dadbots.txt#this has been in my draft for... almost a month. Yikes.#I’ve been dissociating hella hard these past months or something. swear I don’t remember time moving this fast. maybe it’s just me tbh.#idk what to say about July other than… boring? not much happened and I don’t really remember it if I’m honest. just. mm. shrugs.#best way to describe it LOL#been sleeping a LOT lately and I think it’s fatigue again. was it like anything before? no. not at that rate (yet) but just.#where you wanna sleep and sleep and sleep type of fatigue. you never feel rested and just gotta sleep it off kinda.#just one of those moments yknow.#it sucks. all I’m doing is letting the days pass me by and ‘missing out’ on living life when I could be enjoying it. but I lost interest -#- in doing so for months - years now due to personal health matters. And whaddya know - it came back again. after months of healing.#I'm pretty pissed as it does feel like a slap in the face. but you win some - you lose some. Gonna try and fight through it.#I wrote something at the beginning of august but that got deleted. Had a breakdown and thought huh. what a great way to start the month -#and now it's almost september. Just like that. What a month it's been. Stuck on what else to say but that really.#don't want to keep talking about depressing stuff as that's what i used to do and realized hey. maybe you should stop doing that so often#and not use it so casually in humor and/or stuff. Even though I reblog vents here n' all. but yknow.#maybe it is hypocritical. but that's not the point. Just want to reflect and see if i've changed since coming back to the web after a year.#not like it's going bad. just wished this year was a bit more optimistic. Last year was rough & i'm afraid this year will be another repeat#though I did come out to a family member this month and that was like a punch to the gut. Considering my status with them and all.#won't get into that. for now let's just say i'm not too close with them. An impulsive choice on my end but hey. it went well.#and that's what matters tbh. My younger self would've thought i was actually insane. like to even DO that? really?#shocking. I'm still not over that moment. Probably one of my biggest achievements this year.#I'll update this if anything else comes to mind. none of this make sense and that's ok. clearing my mind right now.#let's see what september has in store for me. Hopefully it'll get better as things slow down w/ winter on its way.#hope y'all enjoyed your summer. 🖤🤘🏽
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went on instagram for five minutes and i hate my life so much 👍 awesome
#i miss my friends i hate my life i need my license why did i waste so much time so many years on so much nothingness#it’s terrible and no one has time anymore and everyone’s half lost their minds and i feel honestly like everything could have been different#and i could have saved them all to some extent if i had just been more present. i miss them and it’s terrible how i’ve robbed both myself#and them of what could have been. things should be so different. and it’s my fault. like i’ve failed so much already#but this is just the way things are. i guess we can’t give up. i guess maybe one day surely things must change#urgh. as if no one or nothing can reach me. as if i just cannot let anything in. not all the way. never wholly.#i have an inaccessible soul. or something for some reason#u_u#i’m just so tired. but my world is too small. bouncing around the walls of my cage
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#i just like‚ don’t want to do anythin anmore lol#im so tired and have no sense of time i never know what day it is or what time it is i feel so lost#maybe i’ll just rot away in my room#i need to cry but the tears never come i always cry when i dont want to#let me fucking cry argrhrhggg#rotting away in my room forever probably gonna spiral but its fine i whatever i have water so peace and love i guess#im just so deeply sad and i’ve been just unhealthily scrolling on social media i need to stop instagram is so stupid for making reels#never going on instagram reels actually just say no#ugh im literally so sad and dont want to do anything i keep seeing nature and its just so beautiful and i think about a life i could have#i think and think about it and want to cry because it’s the most ideal life i could ever hope for but its just a silly fantasy#i know i’ll never actually have a life i want#i just want to live in a cottage and paint and be good at it and go for morning walks when the sun rises and afternoon walks when its rains#and pick flowers and go home and make soup and have a nice room to get all comfy and why am i even saying this lol#with the way the worlds turning out with everything unfortunately revolving around money i’ll never have an ideal life#it just feels like my whole life is just crumbling down around me#anyways im like totally fine by the way im literally so silly all of the time
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one thing I’ve learned is that as long as you’re alive it’s always gonna be something
#my biggest takeaway from reading the subtle art of not giving a fuck is that life is just a constant series of problems#and we basically need to decide what problems are worth solving#I think I’m always annoyed when something goes wrong and I’m like if things just happened slightly differently everything would be perfect#but thats not life snd that’s not living#thoughts#even like when I look at my dating woes sometimes I’m like if I never entertained that man I wouldn’t have went through that heartbreak#and wish I could go back knowing what I know now#but honestly they shaped me into who I am#if I didn’t experience those things I would have just made those mistakes later on in another situation#but now I know better#and i feel like a much better version of myself#like when I look back I was so needy and really wasn’t taking care of myself and just always focused on impressing someone else#and i feel so much relief just putting my energy on myself snd not worrying about making someone like me or proving my worth#and like literally my hair and skin are thriving I’ve been tryna take up more hobbies learn new languages got a 2nd income#if those relationships worked out i would have 100% lost myself in them so I’m almost grateful I didn’t get that chance#so i think the beauty of living is getting better at it with not in spite of what happens to us but because of it#though goddd does it suck at the time lol#anyways rant of the day 😚#i really need to get back into writing I think that’s why I love posting on here so much writing was my first love 😝
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i’ve lost so much in the past year and have had to endure so much shit and there really is no end in sight i am so…. tired. and scared. and tired of being scared. i just want to rest
#personal#literaly in the middle of an eviction trying to find another place#bc the rent money went towards trying to save my cat’s life#and i lost him the next day anyway#i’ve never been so devastated#and i’m so anxious and scared about my family’s survival these next four years#my family relies entirely on federal aid if they lose medicaid my mom with cerebral palsy will straight up just die#i have voted against this motherfucker in every election since 2016 when i was freshly 18#do any other americans feel insane rn like what the fuck do we do
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guys so this scene is going to be with reintegrated mark AND helly
#i’ve never lost a day in my life#severance#markhelly#mark x helly#helly r#mark scout#helena eagan#severance spoilers#helena is going to be rewatch this over and over and crying#helly riggs#mark s
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“What God Expects From Us” The Prophet’s Pulpit: Commentaries on the State of Islam Vol iii
#saw this on ig the other day#it made me cry#I’m not a Muslim#but this year it was Muslims and it was their principles their steadfastness and their unity as Muslims#regardless of variation of practice#that showed me what it means to be principled and fight for justice#and when I felt lost in my ‘settler void’ I believe I know why that is now#and I do not respect the dogmatic atheism of the west#I do not respect spiritual voids#this year after everything I’ve witnessed even as a settler in the imperialist core I’ve realized what real justice and real unity means#when I see the resistance axis and the devout Muslims and know their Al Thawabet#I know for certain now that everything I’ve been borne from here in the settler state of US is what is demonic#and all the Islamophobia is an intentional evil#and a few months ago I heard ‘a voice’ of a higher power for the very first time#and I never felt that before in my life#I had a thought then that I could never pray for someone without taking action#and I had no idea that this was a principle in Islam#people have said that a theologians natural conclusion is Islam#I’m not a Muslim but they have my respect for life
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#ignore this im complaining about my life what else is new#i feel like i’m annoying everyone and that i should be grateful for the ones who still are talking to me#i’ve been in pain all summer and have had little to no relief from it#being in pain has made me angry and on a short fuse#i’m overly sensitive and the smallest things are setting me off#i’ve cried more this summer than i have in the year prior#i feel annoying because i’m constantly complaining about the pain#it’s all consuming it’s all i feel from the moment i wake up to the moment i go to sleep#pain management i’ve tried has worked once and never again and i am basically giving up on it#i still don’t have an answer for anything and won’t get one until wednesday#if i get one at all#i’m sick of being sick of it#i’m tired of being tired#i’m done with being done#it doesn’t help that i keep getting mad about bad men in my life#that i keep making myself feel guilty for trying to protect myself#i nearly cried before work and then again at work and then i cried after work#then i nearly lost my shit because it’s been a bad day and i’ve been looking forward to having burgers and corn on the cob#the fire alarm kept going off the apartment was full of smoke from the burgers#the burgers were too charred for me to enjoy and i basically just ate the corn on the cob#i’m fucking done and i cant die because my friends and family would miss me and bean would be so distraught without me#i’m just so fucking exhausted that i haven’t had a moment of peace this whole year#i want it to end
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I used to work for my bfs family business but stopped in early January. Because they’re all insane, and impossible to work with. He called me on his lunch break today and after explaining his work day (stupid) I reminded him I had made them a spreadsheet for this exact situation. He had forgotten about it (ofc he did) and theres 0 chance either of his parents remembered. I highly doubt they could even find the paper (in a ziplock bag full of other random “paperwork” they gave me) where I had written down the email info I had made specifically to store spreadsheets and other helpful information. This made me laugh a LOT because I knew I could find the information for him in 5 minutes tops if I hadn’t quit. It was the one big change we had tried to initiate before they doubled down and I left. So… I charged him for the hour to log into my old email and send him the spreadsheet I saved in google sheets lolllll
I have never felt more vindicated in my life than I was hearing his “oh wow. omg this is so helpful” yeah mf I know!!! Thats why I made it!!!
#calling screaming swearing at each other#i have NEVER seen a family behave this way#I’ve seen and been in fights sure#but the disrespect between them is WILD#his dad fired us literally every day for a week once#and then 10 minutes after being fired he’d call back like so can you go to xyz and do this#like hello?? you fired me!#the most unorganized mess I have ever seen in my life#what do you mean you bought a house without going inside???#what do you MEAN you lost 3k because it FELL OUT OF YOUR POCKET AND YOU RAN IT OVER WITH A LAWN MOWER#I hate them I stg#he I love to bits but his family ooough#that’s a cool $19 his mom owes me lmfao
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man… the silence is almost demotivating me from making more stories…
#gayashawol#cw // rant below#cw // mental health#i miss back then when my wattpad notifications were flooded with people screaming#now i just get a simple reblog and the occasional dm saying that i made their day#i’m not unappreciative i just never realised how much comments impacted me so much back then until i don’t get them#it’s even the same on wattpad ever since they removed direct messaging it’s just dry af#the only notifications i get are just people’s wall boards and story updates#stories that i’m not even reading#i wish i had active followers#a part of me wants to make a sfw shinee blog and see if i get any followers from that#active followers to say the least#idk i just want some sort of interaction#idk how to feel rn#i just feel so lonely#and there’s nobody there for me#nearly a week ago i posted to 3-4 different apps that i wanted someone to talk to and nobody replied#depression was worse that day and to have nobody answering your cries my mama’s phone going to voicemail etc fucked me up badly#ughhhhh i just want to post my actual stories now so i can gain followers#but i lost the motivation to do so#it started with my story being taken down on wattpad and now the audience is not audiencing even though i’m doing my best#i legitimately hate this year in terms of post performance wise#on the bright side i made some shawols irl and they are so sweet compared to what i’ve seen online#never been so social in my life lol
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